#i think the worst thing is ive been telling my dad for months that i didnt think i'd be mentally ready to go to this appointment

[victorborkowski]

do you know how fucking stupid it is to be terrified out of your mind over leaving the house and being in a car for ~40 minutes tomorrow. do you know how fucking stupid it is to overhear your mom on the phone with your dad as they bicker over what could possibly be so scary about going to a doctors appointment tomorrow. do you know how fucking stupid it is to get so anxious just Thinking about tomorrow that you start shaking and have to force-feed yourself your favorite chicken gnocchi soup while you literally try to not vomit from the sheer amount of anxiety you are feeling. do you Know how Stupid it is.

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

The horrors* are endless

[python333]

HAI! i rlly like your platonic 141 fics and I'm wondering if we could get some more dad price and/or brother gaz sleepy cuddles? :3

stretched too thin — python333

— — — —

synopsis gaz notices you overworking yourself one night and decides to step in before you end up pulling an all-nighter.

relationships platonic!gaz & gn!reader.

characters gaz.

word count 2.05k

warnings 2nd person pov [you/yours/yourself], usage of pet names [love, darling], usage of c/n [code name/call sign].

note oh my god im so sorry i disappeared for like. a month. ill try my best to not be gone for more than a week at a time, but with all of my schoolwork and just over all stress ive been experiencing lately, i dont know if ill be able to get fics out every week :< ill try my best though! please accept this fic as an apology—its another big bro gaz one!! special shoutout to everyone else who has an older sibling thats very distant with them, you and me are in the same boat fr!! also, last thing—im thinking about making a discord server where i announce when fics are being written and published and stuff, but i dunno if yall would join or anything, so if u would pls lmk!!

You haven’t left your office in five hours. 

Recently—just about two days ago—you finished up an assignment fairly quickly and, as a result, had to write a detailed report of said assignment. It went over the mission you’d gone on, and listed off every major detail you could think of, though because you just can’t give yourself a break you were constantly thinking of other details you might’ve missed even though there was little chance you’d missed anything.

The mission wasn’t anything too important, honestly. It was originally going to be a week-long camp-out reconnaissance by an enemy task force’s base, obtaining information on their schedule and what they did throughout the day and whatnot. However, only a day into the mission, the small squad of soldiers that had accompanied you saw another small military group observing the same group you’d been observing.

So, naturally, you observed them as well. Aren’t you just the best multi-tasker?

The task force eventually found out about the other group, just a day later, while your squad was still in the clear to continue your observations. So, your mission had quickly come to a close—but, because of the circumstances under which the mission had come to a close, you were required to write an extremely detailed report on the other group and the group you’d been observing.

It would be an understatement to say you were tired. You’re exhausted.

Between the non-stop writing, the coffee sitting on your desk that’s been microwaved five times and has been refilled thrice, and the uncomfortable chair you’ve sat in that you have yet to replace, you’re extremely exhausted. Your movements are sluggish, your fingers aren’t as swift on the keyboard of your computer as they usually are, and worst of all—you still have more to write. 

Your eyes stung and felt dry, your hands felt like they were going to stop working completely at any moment, and you were overall just exhausted. 

You look over at the clock on your desk, and it reads 02:28 AM, indicating that you would only have about four hours to sleep if you went to bed now. I’m too far into this report to stop now, You tell yourself, sighing as you blink slowly at your computer screen, If only my vision didn’t keep getting blurry… 

Suddenly, you hear a knock at the door. Your eyebrows furrow together in confusion, and for a second you think you’re hallucinating until the knock sounds once more. 

Reluctantly, with a voice raspy from not using it almost all day, you call out, “Come in!” 

Your voice is softer and quieter than you’d like it to be, but it doesn’t matter too much to you at this moment—at least, not in your foggy mind that still begs you for sleep, even when you have far more of your report to finish. 

The door opens with a creak, and in walks Gaz. 

“Sarg,” He greets you, not bothering to close the door behind him as he walks up to your desk, “Pleasure to see you for the first time in, what… three days?” 

“Two days and eighteen hours,” You correct him, taking a moment to crack your stiff knuckles, not taking your eyes off of your monitor, “And you know you don’t have to call me ‘sarg’ or ‘sergeant’ or anything. We’re the same rank.” 

Gaz promptly ignores you, “Right, well, anything over a day is way too long for me to go without seeing you. Why’re you all cooped up in here on your computer?”

“‘Cause I need to write a report on my assignment,” You briefly explain, before lightly goading Gaz, “Not all of us need a shit ton of attention every day like you do.” 

“Ehh,” Gaz theatrically makes a thinking face, before shrugging, “Not sure what you mean by ‘us’, but alright.” 

“By ‘us’, I mean everyone but you.” 

“Surely that doesn’t include you, right?” 

“It does.” 

Gaz gasps quietly at your reply, before dramatically responding, “Oh, you can’t be serious.”

“I absolutely can,” You hum, finally taking your eyes off of your computer screen to look up at Gaz, “Is it so hard for you to believe that I don’t need to talk to you every waking hour?” 

“It is, actually,” Gaz scoffs, “Because I know that you do need to talk to me every waking hour.” 

“Uh, no I don’t,” You childishly argue, raising an eyebrow at Gaz.

“Uh, yes you do,” Gaz immaturely argues back, crossing his arms, “Look me in the eyes and tell me that the past two days and eighteen hours haven’t been shit because I haven’t given you any attention.”

You open your mouth to form a response but quickly close it, realizing that yeah, actually, I kind of do crave his attention. 

Fuck.

“You’re not the only person that gives me attention,” You point out, hoping to find some way to change the subject.

“Sure, but you like the attention I give you the most,” Gaz hums, leaning forward to rest his crossed arms on your desk opposite of where you sit.

“You don’t know that.”

“Then tell me that I’m wrong,” Gaz challenges you.

You narrow your eyes at him, glaring at him for a moment before sighing, “You suck.”

“Maybe I suck, but you look like you haven’t slept for the past week,” Gaz points out, “You look exhausted, by the way. And dehydrated. Actually, you just look like the human embodiment of a headache.” 

“What the fuck?” 

“I mean that in the most loving, non-offensive way possible.”

“You come into my office, accuse me of needing attention from you, then you insult me by calling me the human version of a headache?”

“It wasn’t an insult!” Gaz raises his hands in surrender, before sighing, “I’m being serious. You look dead, [c/n]. You need sleep.” 

“What I need is to finish this report,” You huff out, beginning to turn your attention back to your computer, before Gaz’s hand is quickly placed on your chin and forces you to look back at him. 

“No, what you need is some rest,” Gaz argues, more serious this time, taking his hand off of your chin—something you shouldn’t miss nearly as much as you do, the warmth of his hand fading far too quickly from your face—and bringing it back to rest on the desk. 

“Maybe you need rest, Gaz.”

“Sure I do,” He shrugs, “But I’m only going to sleep if you do.” 

You raise an eyebrow at him, “Really? You’re pulling that card?”

“I am.” 

You stare at him for a moment, mentally weighing your options, before sighing and bringing your elbows up to the table so that you can place your forehead in your hands.

On one hand, if you stay in your office you can finish up your report before four and then go to sleep, and hope that you magically feel active even with just an hour or two of sleep in the morning. On the other hand, if you go to sleep now, so does Gaz, and then you both get more than just two hours of sleep. 

After another moment of consideration, you huff out a frustrated breath and mutter, “Fine.” 

Gaz smiles down at you and walks around your desk to your side of it, holding out a hand for you to grab to help yourself up from your chair and using his free hand to save your report and power off your monitor. 

You take his hand and stand up, your legs a little weak and balance iffy from sitting down for so long, but within the next few minutes you’re sure you’ll be able to properly walk. You let go of his hand once you’re positive you won’t fall over, and once he sees that you’re able to walk, Gaz silently walks towards the door of your office. Just as quietly, you follow him. 

He turns off the lights for you and lets you walk out of the office first, locking the door from the inside and closing it once you’re out. Once he’s done, he takes the lead again and you follow him down to his sleeping quarters. It’s not too long of a walk there, only two minutes at most.

Once you’re there, Gaz opens the door and lets you walk in first. Once you’re inside and Gaz has closed the door, you shrug off your camouflage patterned jacket and toe off your already loosened tan boots, leaving you in just your camouflage cargo pants and army green undershirt.

You look down at your pants with a frown, knowing from experience that sleeping in them was incredibly uncomfortable and left you regretting your whole existence the morning after, but before you could even look over at Gaz to tell him of your situation, you felt something being thrown at you. 

You immediately turn your attention to the item that had been hurled at you—the item in question being a pair of gray sweatpants, some that would probably be a little bit looser than you’d prefer on your figure—and then look over at Gaz with a questioning look. 

“Figured you wouldn’t wanna sleep in that,” Gaz shrugs, nodding to your cargo pants in response to your nonverbal confusion. 

You hum in appreciation, not wanting to talk too much at the moment, instead waiting for Gaz to look away before slipping off your pants and replacing them with the sweatpants Gaz had thrown at you. The fit isn’t as uncomfortable as you thought they’d be—they’re loose and hang low on your hips, just like you thought they would, of course, but they don’t feel nearly as weird as you thought they would.

Once you’ve tightened the strings on the waist of the pants, you get into Gaz’s bed, pulling the covers up and over yourself. Gaz quickly settles into the bed next to you, quickly getting himself comfortable under the sheets, and pulling the covers up and over his shoulders in one swift movement.

He gets closer to you, so close that his chest presses against your back and you can feel the tip of his nose ghosting over the top of your head. He wraps one arm over your body to pull you impossibly closer to him, and his other arm snakes underneath the side of your body so that both of his arms are wrapped around you.

He hums contently and his thumb rubs small circles into your clothed stomach, the action—despite being small—causing your stomach to warm up almost immediately. 

“Comfortable, darling?” Gaz asks quietly, pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head. 

“Very,” You mumble back, trying to subtly lean your head back against Gaz in hopes of getting at least one more kiss. Noticing your efforts, he huffs out a small laugh and presses another gentle kiss right at the edge of your hairline before pressing one last one to your forehead. 

Even with the comforting atmosphere, you can’t find it within yourself to fully relax, your body still tense and stiff underneath the blanket. Gaz, just like he did with your “subtle” movements, notices and frowns. 

“Just sleep,” Gaz tiredly mumbles into the top of your head, “You have to get up in three hours. The sooner you sleep, the more sleep you get.” 

You don’t respond, instead simply sighing and forcing your eyes closed. You do have to admit, it’s nice being able to actually close your eyes for something other than blinking, and closing your eyes for longer than half a second has made you realize that they were even drier than you thought they were. 

Exhausted and ready to finally sleep, you eventually get to a point where you no longer need to force your eyes shut, and as a result, your whole body relaxes for the first time in almost six hours. 

“G’night, love,” Gaz murmurs, feeling your body relax next to his. You hum in acknowledgment of his words, not finding the energy within yourself to properly respond, instead finding yourself drifting off into a deep sleep. 

And if four hours later, Gaz wakes up and simply lies there, not waking you and instead letting you get some more sleep despite you having to be up soon, nobody has to know.

[kiyomitakada]

L for the ask game

YAY i was hoping someone would ask me this for him ive been slowly going insane about this guy for a month now

favorite thing about them: varies by day but today his drastic mood swings captivate me.

[monotone] i was just sulking earlier

least favorite thing about them: i do not have one. i love when he cares so much he starts shaking when he tells aizawa not to go after ukita's dead body and i love when he cares so little that he suggests letting matsuda die to confirm that yotsuba is kira and i love when he is the worst person alive and the greatest detective alive also. walking contradiction of a moral code. i hate him. my actual least favorite thing about him is that i didn't get to kill him before light did

favorite line:

manga: "because the good guys always win :)" his smile here always kills me. it was the exact moment i was like ohhhh he's a LIAR

anime: "it'll be lonely, won't it"

musical: from the japanese version of the way things are: いいだろう死神認めよう　だが神が命を裁かない　生きるか死ぬかに意味を持たすのは人間だ. which going half by this translation is "fine then, i'll accept gods of death / but it's not god who judges your life / humans are the ones who give meaning to whether you live or die" i can't explain why i like this one so much. i just do. it is honestly more of a near sentiment than an L sentiment but something about the way he has to do an entire song to accept that shinigami are real delights me

brOTP: i already said L & misa in her post so i will provide another one. L & soichiro are fascinating to me. i like the bit where L suggests putting cameras in his house and soichiro responds with "if you're going to do it you'd better cover the whole house" i think the tension there is so interesting. soichiro has to live with the fact that L suspects light no matter what and yet keeps giving L the benefit of the doubt and even argues to aizawa that L Probably Isn't Financially Pressuring You, I'm Sure There's A Good Reason! and L has to live with the fact that he's made the father he's never had shoot his son in the head. which i don't think L feels bad for necessarily but the mechanics of that decision keep circling in my head like. why not get someone else? isn't light's dad objectively the least believable choice for mock execution purposes? why him, specifically? what buried violence does L see in that man that makes him think he is capable (and he's right!)

also L keeps using him as his moral compass which is hilarious

OTP: do i really have to say this

lawlight is actually so much harder to ship when you're manga-based sometimes i get jealous of how blatant the yaoi is in the anime. however i think the act of showing your face to the outside world for the first time for the sake of making your prime suspect possibly (not even definitely) slip up for once and inviting him to mind meld tennis while thinking about how perfect he is is definitely homosexual

…actually while i'm on this why not just lay out my manifesto right here. okay. i think a lot of people focus on light->L but take L->light for granted because of things like the foot scene which is [banging head on table] NOT IN THE MANGA BECAUSE THE WRITERS HATE ME but it's a fun challenge trying to reconstruct what L thinks of light anyway

this is subject to change but right now i think the appeal to L is that like. he's L. he's an anonymous letter. he lives in a padded empty room and/or everchanging hotel rooms. he almost always solves cases remotely. he doesn't trust people even when he says he does. and then here comes along a serial killer and for the first time in ages L is forced to actually talk to other people and physically inhabit the world and he keeps thinking about going back into seclusion but he keeps choosing to stay because he wants to observe light in person. light is his anchor to the world. a murderer is his anchor to humanity. and for some reason L is obsessed with him.

i think this kind of scares him, though not in a way that a normal person would recognize as fear. he's L. his entire life has been balancing human life as a numerical value and to do so he has to recognize when he has biases. he says out loud that he might just be going after light because he has no other suspects. he has to Understand Himself in order to understand the world around him, he has to know exactly how he is compromised

and for the first time he doesn't.

anyway this is why i think "i wanted you to be kira" was basically a confessi[i am dragged off stage]

nOTP: law/tsuda isn't exactly a notp because i can see the vision but the vast majority of content for them is fluff when what i really want is toxic sludge

random headcanon: he is transfem any-pronouns to meeee to meeeeee. the white shirt + jeans combination is due to the autism but also due to the gender dysphoria (the shirt is noted to be loose in movie side-material canon). he has not yet realized it is dysphoria. possibly he doesn't even realize it's autism i think watari just clocked him as having Unique L Condition and gave him everything he wanted accordingly

unpopular opinion: i'm going to just copy-paste a draft for this one

in my head L is 25 because that's the htr age and it makes sense considering how well established he is with interpol etc. in my heart L is 21 because i think that lets his personality and the dynamics he has with everyone else make vastly more sense and also it is the reasonable age for the teaching assistant you have a parasocial crush on to be. in my soul L is 19, lies about his age all the time, and never makes it to 20 #in my soul-of-souls he's one day older than light and internally holds this over light's head constantly #he says things like ''when i was 17…'' (<- is still 17) #but also L being 21 means you can make blackjack references and that is important to me #the house always wins or whatever

song i associate with them: man of stone is literally him to a T

I had to give it to you I was always acting cuckoo Thinking there was something That I'd actually be kinda scared-a But I will be a man of stone

favorite picture of them: picking one is absolutely impossible so i'll take this as "one of your favorites"

i like when he looks like a cryptid

[djtommotomlinson]

last november i was in china when my little brother called me and told me to come home. over summer my nan, my mums mum, had passed away before i had managed to get back to see her and my mum, my best friend in the world, had a heart attack soon after. i was with her then. we went to the funeral. she got better. we saw robbie williams live. we went out drinking and to the beach and watched coyote ugly and la la land together, our fave movies.

when my brother called me to tell me mum had cancer i knew it was bad. i lost my best friend to cancer when we were just 16 years old. thats never a good word. but its my mum. and to quote her days after her own mums death 'i always knew one day my mum would die but i never knew she would, like, actually die'.

i knew in the back of my head why i was going home but i didnt believe it. i watched spiderverse for like the third time on the plane. i went to grab my suitcase and laughed when i realised i was at the wrong shanghai - gatwick conveyor belt. who knew there were two at almost the same time.

then my brother, my baby brother, who is 30 next year but was 28 and always our baby brother, called me and my life is never ever going to be the same. i knew the moment he called. and i sat on the floor at gatwick airport shaking and people kept coming over to ask if i was okay and finally my sister and my aunties, my mums sisters, arrived and they were let into the baggage area when they explained and picked me off the floor.

i dont think this is a grief that has settled yet. i was meant to see louis that night. i havent listened to a song by him since despite his music getting me through some of my hardest times. my denial, she'll walk through the door and say this was all a joke, phase went on for months after we planned and executed a funeral and wake on the beach in malta. i made a great playlist, i wrote a great eulogy. i did that but it didnt properly sink in why.

i still, almost a full year on, wake up and think about messaging her to tell her how im feeling and check in on her.

my mum used to send me one direction news she found on facebook every day. harrys got a new album emmy did you know? and i was like no mum wow thank you (of course i already knew). she loved niall and we were going to see him live together. she wasnt a big fan of louis' music but ached for what he'd been through. i woke up the day after hearing about liam expecting a text from her checking in because she got me 1d tickets in 2014 for my 23rd birthday and she brought me merch and the dvd of the movie -

my mum who hated the beatles because they were too mainstream but loved what i loved because i loved it and was passionate about it. god she would have been crushed for me today. she would have been heart broken.

and i think this has hit me like a train not only because everyone who knows me knows how much i loved liam as if he was my own friend, but also because this past year has been so full of grief i dont always know how to get out of bed. my dads mum passed a few months ago. my family are wrecked with it. this past year has been a nightmare we can't get out of.

i always related to liam as someone who was bullied at school and as someone who suffers from mental illness and has suffered from alcoholism, thankfully, for me, something ive managed to come back from and im sober and i always hoped for that for him. its such a hard fucking mountain to climb and i didn't have to deal with the fame side of it and this whole other thing he had to carry. i always wanted him to get better but in the back of my head i had this feeling, i had this fear that i would one day log into tumblr and see the worst.

i still cant, and im sure for a long time won't, believe this real. thats one of my boys. we were very much meant to get old together. i wanted to see him get better. i cant begin to comprehend the fact he wont have that chance. this still doesnt feel real to me man. thats my boy.

just a few days ago I was in a convenience store and they were playing heart meets break and i was jamming and excited to hear my boy in a store. i keep remembering its happened, and i look at the photo on my bedside of me and my mum at the robbie williams concert and i could really do with her right now. a link to a facebook article and her over use of emojis - a shocked and crying face and a broken heart. because what else can express this?

i know i didnt know him but i always had the comfort of knowing of him, of listening to his music and watching his videos and feeling less alone in a cruel and lonely world.

its okay to be a fucking mess, if you can take time out please do. i wish this world allowed more of that. after my mum everyone had to go back to jobs and life and it still blows my mind that i was walking down the street then and today and everything was the same. the world should pause but it doesn't.

at the end of all of this, one day this might settle and make sense but right now it doesnt at all and thats how these things work. i love you all, this is not something i thought we would have to face until we had all grown old and spent all of our money on reunion tickets and seen our boys grow old and live their lives.

give people you love a hug, tell people you love that you care about them, work out problems and differences if you can and make the most of it. you never know how much time you have.

[our-queer-experience]

I'm in a somewhat bad place and I'd really appreciate some advice. Any advice, really. This is kind of a vent too, I'm anxious so sorry for sny writing mistakes.

I have a somewhat partner. I'm Aromantic and Assexual, I "used" to be romance repulsed, still am but to a less intense degree. This partner and me started some type of relationship because they were jealous I had a QPR with an online friend of mine.

Long story short, I feel like I was pressed in this relationship even thought It never crossed my mind to break up or say no to them. Our relationship is in no way physical. They get jealous if I hug or lay my head on my friend's shoulder. They used to send me pictures of SH till I threathned to tell their dad and they started going to therapy. And tbh I didn't thought there was anything wrong. I'd receive messages from tem and get extremely anxious, but the moment I was with them I'd be fine. I told them I'd never love them in the conditional way, but I cared for them. They said they felt the same.

Some of my friends realized I was acting avoidsnt od them, and actually I didn't realize till they confronted me in private. I ended up blurting everything out to 2-3 frends of mine, and they keep saying that It's Deteriorating me ans bringing more good than bad. And I can't say I disagree

Remember how I said that they told me they would never love me and how I'm kinda romance repulsed? Well, turns out for the last 6 months out of the 11 we've been together They've been lying to me. I don't know why. I don't know what they get out of this relationship. When I try to push them away and get Myself a bit of space they keep coming back.

If I say I don't want touches they get visibly sad. If I don't see them for a while sometimes they pop on my doorstep. I have phobia of insects and put up with it because it's their special interest, even if I feel like I'm on thr verge of a panick attack, yet when it's for my interests they just tune me out.

And the worst part is I genuinely don't think they are a bad person, They're not doing anything out of ill intent and technically is my fault for not expressing boundaries more clearly.

I don't know what to do. Logically I should break with them but we've known each other for years and They've supported me financially a lot, and a mutial friend of ours warned me that it'd be a hard break up because They're a bit narcissistic and won't take it wrll, but it's the best I could do to Myself.

They're already too deep rooted in mg life I think. I don't know how to cut them out. The fact that I want to cut them out and not just distance Myself maybe it's the scariest part.

I'm on here because this whole situation was already bad, but it spiraled down once I knew They've been lying to me about their attraction and it tiee directly with my Aromanticism. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I should do.

I feel like I'm suffocating.

it sounds like your friend kinda fucking sucks. ive har a lot like that, unfortunately, and unless you see it changing… the only thing yoh can do is cut them off or enforce some strong boundaries. i know its hard, but its better than things staying awful

[firelord-frowny]

tbh the single most illuminating thing that has come from ~going to therapy~ is the clinical diagnosis of ptsd.

like. i know and understand every single thing that's ever been wrong with me, and I've known and understood the causes of all of those things, but I did NOT have any clue whatsoever that all of those things together are in alignment with the criteria for ptsd.

it's validating in the most heartbreaking way.

somehow it was easier to stomach certain parts of my past when I believed that it only hurt me so bad because i was too sensitive, too much of a wimp, blah blah. and coming to understand that the shit ive been subject to is kinda just Objectively Awful just makes me super sad. :( the saddest bit being that i have to look certain people who are supposed to care about me in the eyes and know that they've been straight up psychologically abusive to me for almost 3 decades. anyway, he's there dumb thought i was thinking that caused me to make this post.

i have aaaaaaaaalllllllllllways been somebody who balks at the idea of ~engagement rings.~ I have always felt that i would be so annoyed if some dude dropped a fuckton of money on a Special Ring for me when he could have instead used to for something more fun.

but now i can't even imagine being important enough to anyone for them to want to shell out money on something pretty for me Just Because. i can't imagine someone feeling like it's worth it for them to save up their paychecks for months on end just to give me a gift.

you know what happened a few weeks ago? i'll tell you what happened a few weeks ago. it's very much Not A Big Deal. certainly not in isolation. it's a non-issue. it's not even a blip on the radar of cruel things a person can do to another person.

my dad went grocery shopping. spent like 200 bucks total on the usual shit. he got everything that everyone in the household put on the list.

except for the juice i like.*

because it was ~too expensive.~ 🙃

four dollars and twenty something cents.

too expensive.

he is not poor.

*ok to be totally fair, he often does get the juice i like. but when stacked up next to all the other "you're not important" signals my family has heaped on me over the years, it fucking stings in the worst way.

[another-trans-puppygirl]

I have been out for 4 years and never gave myself the space to express myself properly so i am making it for myself today

(first vent post so apologies for messiness lol)

tw// r*pe, transphobia, parental trauma, not sure what else but idk its heavy for me so just heads up

since i came out my life has changed insurmountably and it has all been terribly overwhelming. ive never really been one to use social media aside from horrifically embarrassing teenage shitposting, so ive just sort of let it all mount up and carried it around. i have a couple of transmasc house mates who i am terribly grateful for and consider them to be family but it has ultimately been terribly lonely not being aroud or talking to other transfems.

i will almost definitely talk about it in more detail on here at some point, but to keep things simple for now, i had very little control over how i came out to my family. it just sort of got revealed to my mum who insisted that my dad and brother (who didn't live with me, messy divorce) would never accept me and otherwise she was very unreactive initially. she feigned support whilst keeping it a secret from everyone in our immediate family but told lots of her friends for about 3 months but had expressed very negative views of trans women before so it felt very false to me. in january 2021 she decided she didnt support my "decision", as well as shouting at me for not telling her i had been r*ped and blamed everything on my dad. i didnt feel safe in her house anymore, so even though it was the middle of a covid-19 lockdown in the uk i had to take all of my belongings with me across almost the whole of england to get myself back to my uni campus. it was easily the worst day of my life and the hardest thing i ever had to do and i havent spoken to her since. i broke my collar bone as a young teenager and carrying all my stuff like that has made it hurt all the time, and i find it so hard not to think about it all whenever the pain is really bad. i was at university for animation, something i had always wanted to do my entire life. i could not bring myself to go to classes for the entire year so i deferred to the next. then i still couldnt bring myself to come in for most of the year. for some reason they didnt kick me out despite my attendance so i tried again the second year, and it went better but i was still really disappointed in myself. in my third year, things got complicated. i started to try really hard and believe i might be getting somewhere. i was the only person in my whole course that was doing traditional animation, my course was advertised as supporting traditional animation but i was not given a tutor so i was totally alone to try and fit my assignments to my limited skillset and resources. i had some ideas for projects i was really passionate about and started to develop and then it happened again and i got overwhelmed and decided i really couldnt do it anymore so i stopped going entirely. during this time i have also wrestled with the fact that i knew deep down that i am a lesbian. recently i have given up fighting it and have accepted that i am a lesbian, i think being on estrogen for one month as of today has played a big part in that, as it has rekindled my emotions and i just cannot fight that feeling anymore. but it has also brought on a terrible loneliness that i think i was suppressing beforehand too, and it has just made me feel incredibly lost. i am really happy somewhere in there about it, but it is overshadowed by a terrible sadness that i have let myself hide away this whole time. it has filled my heart to the brim with love and i feel like i have nowhere to put it and i just want to scream. i have been so scared to say any of this anywhere to anyone for fear of burdening people but i cant keep it inside anymore so i want to shout about it here because i have nowhere else to do it. so if youre reading this i am sorry for taking your time, just know it means the world that anyone even knows any of this and that bending your hypothetical ear will hopefully ease the load even if just for a moment.

[dmi11229013]

20 years?

As a father I'm sad you never got to grow up all I have of you is memorials and memories in old pics of which a lot ain't even mine. My memory is fading as time moves on and some things also lose there importance to me. What's it matter is something that comes up often it's just how you remember it and with you I remember it very clear like it just happened. November 15 2004 plays rent free in my head as a father it was my highest and lowest time all wrapped up into one. I met both my oldest sons that day and one had to go back to the government while the other became my best friend and reason for everything I did after. Due to an amazing friend I had in Trinida after I wandered around Trinidad for an hour she found me and housed me and took care of me. I owe her for ever no matter what. it all stands out to me. Today though we discuss another day that stands out I can still smell the dryer running at my mom's house in my basement. I had called into college cause I had the worst headache. So as i sat in the dark with my big brother your uncle and we played DND as he played video games and I tried to forget my head wanted to explode. I remember her voice as she called my name so clear it shock me like something was really really wrong. My sister had many tones but when she sounded scared it put me in a different mind frame. I got to my mom's front door and I knew something was wrong they never send a cop and a social worker for nothing I figured I had done something or said something wrong and was in deep water. I remember stepping out on my porch and my son's mom just cried and all she could say was sorry. I was so confused sorry for what? I hugged her and the cop and social worker seemed so confused the officer explained it to me as I hugged her while she hugged my sons teething toy i still have and the reality of it dawned on me the accident I had seen on the news a few hours earlier effected me and it was mine they had come to tell me about. I remember being so confused. How does a baby die? How do two baby's in one family in one car die? I had experienced it once other than this just eight or nine months prior. A friend had lost her son...later that week I friends og mine has lost another child. Ive never been more confused in my life. I remember holding your brother differently after, and all kids cause it just shocked me so bad. Why a baby? How? 4 in a year? It all stands out to me now. Just as it did then. 20 years later this laid the ground work. I was a terrible dad to Jason I was so jealous and hateful it was always about one upping his mom. Hate fueled so much of it. I remember just thinking had I been more flexible and more of a dad I wanted maybe he's here now. Maybe he's with me instead of in the car right? The truth is we both was so hateful this was not our reality. 20 years later though I can say I'm a better dad because of my lessons and loss. His mom's gone now but I forgave her too a long time ago I just wish it was sooner I wish she was here to. It taught me to have better relationships it taught me to be a better dad but it was not the cost id like to pay for the lesson. 20 years later it highlights so much in my life. It reminds me every day anyone at any time can leave and you have to do your best to remember they loved you as long as they was allowed to. Ive grieved I've hated and I've forgiven some times I have to reply it as a reminder nothing in this world is worth the venom you spew and the price you pay for it. My son deserved so much better than I had to give at that time and I hope where he sits now he just knows I love him the same as I do all my kids. He maybe my forever baby but I never forgot what he gave me the light the joy and loss commingle at times. 20 years later rest easy my son and thank you for all the time we did have limited or not it reminded me to be a better father, and to be the father  I needed as a kid.Rest easy my son

Love Dad

[hyuuukais]

lakey!! literally the past two fridays have been shit for me!! but!! today i wanna tell you my ✨ happy thing ✨

today i am happy because i got all of my work for the week done early (everyone cheered 🥳) so for the most part,, i don’t have to worry about The Tasks today or tomorrow 👍

what are U happy for today 😋

also i’m gonna give u two bonus happy things bc of the ones i missed 😖

bonus:

+ i have the best friends ever?????? i mean ive pretty much known this for a while but esp recently every day i am reminded of this fact nd literally every single one of my friends (including u 🫵) are just Awesome and i think i must have really good taste in human beings 💅 (past experiences may prove otherwise but they 👏 don’t 👏 count 👏)

+ i have read 4(+?) lgbtqia+ books so far this month for my lil pride month reading marathon! i’m so excited about that because i have been in a reading slump for the longest time and this has been like a lil personal challenge for me that is going really well! (i have like 10 more i want to get through for the lil challenge but i do not know if that is feasible since we’re halfway through the month ☝️)

i love that for u!! now u can take time to relax and enjoy some time to yourself :) and !! give me book recs 🤲 or just tell me abt the ones you've read so far if u want, bad or good !!

my happy thing is getting to see my bff later today! i'll be staying over until monday. obviously i'm just going to see her cats 🤭 (/j but also i am so excited to pet a cat) i got her dad smthn for father's day since he's kind of like a second dad for me, and i hope he likes it :33 wolfchan is coming with me!

it was also payday for me today so that's always good 😋 i got a raise recently, so i'll add that as a bonus happy thing bc i forgot to send them before 😭 and one more bonus happy thing, hmm...

reading club w rain!! we're rereading the cruel prince. i'm trying to read 10 chapters a week and am currently at chapter 5 lol... but i'm gonna get to 10 today hopefully !! i've been in the worst reading slump for months and i want out.

yay for happy things!! ILY!!

[hamausagi]

YES IT IS LIKE THAT AND NOW I WANT ALL OF THEM FOR YOU TOO I AM EYES EMOJING U SO HARD RN

YAYAYAY I AM EYES EMOJING YOU TOO

What is your nickname?

i don't really have one these days, but i suppose jake or august are still two of my favorite names i go by ^^

When is your birthday?

10/21/03 <3

What was your longest relationship?

1 year and 2 months (ended) (thank god)

What is your favorite book?

six of crows - leigh bardugo !

What is something you're insecure about?

the way i speak LMAO i cringe so much hearing my own voice or hearing the things i say. i feel like im so socially awkward and i hate it so bad 😭😭😭

5 Male celebrity crushes

uhhhhhh i dont rlly keep up with celebs like at all anymore but i used to be literally head over heels for chris pine when i was younger HELP

5 Female celebrity crushes

ZENDAYA and maybe saorise ronan ???? (help me i dont rlly care abt celebs)

What is your dream job?

concept/character artist for a game company !!!! (and to make my own games) (which i am currently working on)

What do you consider your biggest accomplishment?

finding out about my dream college last september after literally never knowing about it prior (besides a friend making an offhand comment abt it in like. 2017 that i forgot abt), finishing a portfolio in less than 2 months, and getting accepted LMAO

What is a fact about you that nobody would believe?

i used to play indoor and outdoor soccer year round, my indoor team competed in a lot of big brackets for the state (i now play no sports and i can barely go up more than 2 flights of stairs or run more than a few meters without dying) (thank you asthma and anemia 💪)

What were your highs and lows for this last month?

highs: FINSHED MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE WAHOOOO passed all my classes 🔥 made some new friends :D (and regained some old)

lows: uhhhhh mental health struggles mostly

Where is somewhere you'd like to visit?

i reeeeeaaalllyyyy really wanna go to japan so bad. im literally japanese and ive never been there, and i have family there ive never met that i want to see

How do you de-stress?

sleeping, drawing, playing some games, bothering the bf, gams with friends (unless its helldivers) (then i am stressed more)

What are your favorite apps besides tumblr?

pinterest my beloved <3

Describe yourself in one sentence.

good intentions, but poor execution

What do you think makes you attractive?

uhhhhh i have big eyes, smallish waist ???? i really try and prioritize other people (help i rlly dont know how to answer this)

What is something you're really good at?

drawing :3

What is something you're really bad at?

cooking LOL (im trying to get better)

A time that you told a lie.

telling the kid in my prj group that it was okay after he apologized for being literally the worst group member i have ever worked with (he literally did NOTHING and almost cost us the project several times)

What's a totally random and useless fact that you know?

bearded dragons can puff their eyes out along with puffing their chins when they get scared or feel threatened (thanks to ron for scaring the absolute shit out of me one day) (i thought he was dying)

Who knows you the best?

either my bf or my irl best friend :3

What is your most prized possession?

a wooden box my dad mae me a really really long time ago. that or this little sterling silver flip flop necklace my grandpa gave me a few years before he died when i was a kid

What is your longest friendship?

with my irl bsf, been friends 13 years now

When did you first feel like an adult?

either when my dad finally started actually swearing when talking to me or when i changed my car's oil myself for the first time

Do you/ Have you played any sports?

played soccer for like 11 years and did archery for 5 :3

How are you feeling right now?

im really tired and my cramps are killing me 👍 but im chillin

Are you an early bird or a night owl?

night owl even tho i rlly wish i was an early bird so bad. no matter when i go to bed or how many hrs of sleep i get its so hard to wake up before 9 am bro

Do you believe in love at first sight?

for ocs? yes. irl? absolutely not

Favorite song lyrics right now?

literally loving all the lyrics in a feeling - whxami but more specifically i am thinking abt waiting room - phoebe bridgers "if you were a teacher, i would fail your class take it over and over til you noticed me if you were a waiting room, i would never see a doctor i would sit there with my first aid kit and bleed"

also saw a robin edit to espresso - sabrina carpenter and now my brain is IM WORKING LAAAAATEEEE CAUSE IM A SINGERRRRRRR

What does self care look like for you?

taking showers and making myself food. i hate actually taking showers but the post shower untainted clean feeling is so unmatched bro its the best

Describe yourself with 3 singers.

RONEN, wave to earth, and two door cinema club

What makes you nervous?

meeting friends of friends (meeting new people is fine but its scarier if someone i know is introducing me), going to people's houses that i don't know very well

What’s a pet peeve you have?

trying to talk to someone but getting dry ass responses or no response at all

What will always make you cry?

bro. those tiktoks that are like. "if you know yourself which one are you picking". oh my god. those destroy me so bad

What kind of first impression do you think you make on people?

i honestly have zero idea bro 😭😭 if im meeting people at school im probably a little overwhelming (im loud asf at school) but if like. im meeting my friends parents or my bfs friends. i am a ghost

[anything-viva]

sorry i just need to rant about this bc i've fucking had it. here's the big lies she's told me off the top of my head, kinda tmi but idc.

like she said she got pneumonia when she was nine and her parents refused to take her to the hospital, nearly killing her. funny thing, whenever i complained abt my cramps she'd bring up how hers used to put her in the hospital. (way to center the conversation on yourself, btw!) she wouldn't be old enough to drive when she first started getting them, so who took her to the hospital? i went to school with her, i live five minutes away from her, never saw ambulances that often! curious!

that's also part of the reason why i didn't get my shit checked out for so long! "oh, it's not as bad as rachel's so it's no big deal. i should just shut up and bear it." i can hardly stand up for ten minutes without pain now. THANKS! I CAME TO MY BEST FRIEND FOR ADVICE AND YOU LIED TO ME <3

btw her periods aren't even that bad. she gave me the thinnest fucking pad that would hardly last me three hours on a bad day like that. SHE CLAIMED IT WOULD LAST TWELVE! FUCKING LMAO! she didn't belive me when i laughed and told her it wouldn't last. if your parents refused to take you to the hospital when you nearly died, why would they take you if your periods are that light? like if your outer signs are so minimal, they wouldn't take you!!

said her dad took the lock off her door and creeped on her. HER DOOR HAS A LOCK, THERE IS NO DAMAGE ON THE DOOR!!! also the way she described it sounded exactly like an anime trope. shes a MASSIVE weeb, so i think she got it from some shitty anime she saw.

she said she's saving up to move out of her abusive household yet she splurges money like crazy. her room is full of anime figurines and unused wiccan shit. i really don't think she's actually a wiccan, she would've used those candles but they showed NO signs of use! as soon as we get together she starts talking abt buying lingerie and stuff from spencer's. aren't you saving up???

she says she can hear demons when her ears start ringing- babe, you have tinnitus.

and the constant constant "how do you think i feel?" she says i can tell her anything, but whenever i complain it's almost always "hOw Do YoU tHiNk I fEel" unless im on the verge of a fucking breakdown

said to my face "i haven't gotten fast food in months!" I WAS IN THE CAR WITH HER WHEN SHE GOT THEM? LIKE LMFAO? i wouldn't really care how she eats, but the audacity to lie to my face about something I SAW?!

she lies about getting commissions CONSTANTLY. made some fucking ridiculous lie up abt getting a comm from some rich lady who owns property at the tip of florida, supposedly over 100 manatees live there! No the fuck they don't!!!!!!! do you think i'm stupid?!

most recent example happened tonight. she hung up some of her paintings today at the gallery and claimed afterwards she got two offers on them? no the fuck she didn't, they were some of her worst paintings. i was there most of the time, i likely would've heard it!

i think that last bit is bc i got more attention than her. we were seated at the same booth. i talked a LOT to the people who were interested in my art because i can hold a conversation!

that's why she started making up shit abt commissions and getting jumped. OH MY FUCKIGN GOD

SHES BEEN DOING THIS AS LONG AS IVE KNOWN HER AND I ONLY JUST REALIZED

EDIT I FORGOT ABT THAT ONE TIME THIS SUMMER SHE SAID HER DAD TOOK A THIUSAND DOLLARS FROM HER BANK ACCOUNT. GOOD GOD I FORGOT ABT THAT. MY MOM AND BROTHER WERE THERE.

[noshirtnoblouse]

i feel like i posted this when it happened, but idk

my mom has had metastatic breast cancer for the last 3 years. It's been manageable and not impeded her day-to-day life with oral medication and some radiation.

however in the last two months something has drastically changed. she's developed gastritis and has been experiencing horrible acid reflux. in the last week she's also lost the ability to swallow and had to go to the ER to get an IV to keep her hydrated. her doctor wants to start chemo and start it soon.

i'm feeling a lot of very conflicting emotions. I haven't always had the best relationship with my mom and even as her cancer progresses I'm trying hard to remember good memories but I can't. my mind keeps running through all of the things that have made me resent her throughout my life. but even so, I'm scared for her. I'm sad she's in pain, I'm sad she has to go through this. I'm not ready for her to leave, I'm not ready for my dad to be alone. I can't keep my mind from thinking about the worst outcomes.

It's hard to think of anything else. I haven't told anyone in my life about her either, because she was fine up until now.

her and my dad had literally planned a two week trip to Peru because she was fine!!! and now she's in the hospital waiting for test results to tell her when she can start chemo.

[onemillionbuttholes]

to you (part 1 (part 2 will be to me))

i'm having a hard time getting over the things you've said. the things we've talked about.

I know you were mad, and i know you've tried to take things back that you've said. but its just not the first, or second, or third time you lash out when angry, when upset, when sad.

this, is the easiest it will ever be for us. and this, is already too much for me. marriage, morgages, and children will only complicate every single thing. we have to have a mutual respect and compassionate communication, and we don't.

i can name a thousand things that we do well. its the comfort i always come back to, because i think that's where we've really needed each other and shown up for each other.

the comfort is amazing, this is what is so hard. because you're my guy, you're my day to day. but it's the long term that's gotten fuzzy. it's not as clear as it used to be, and it was never fully clear at all for me. i've always been unsure, unable to give you an all in. and since xmas, it's gotten worse.

but mutual respect. compassion.

i cannot judge you for how you act when you're triggered, but once you start calling me names, it becomes my problem.

its the calling me selfish, and calling me embarrassing, and that you hate how i've changed. i can't get over those. you said those in angry moments only to shrug them off that you did'nt even mean them. i don't want to be with someone who calls names just to hurt me. you cant even fucking stand by what you thought was so embarrassing, you just apologize once i tell you it actually hurt my feelings.

that's normal for you! and when we started dating, i said you can never fight with me how you fight with your family. and i see you trying, i see you struggling to contain yourself sometimes. i don't want it to be this fucking hard. i don't want to be worried to tell you things i want to do bc i don't always know what your reactions gonna be.

but i'm not a selfish person. i love how i've changed. and that's a shitty thing to be embarrassed of your girlfriend. you don't tell me that shit, you tell that to your friends when i'm not around. but you told me that to try and stop me, like your opinion of me is mine to control.

i've said it before, i think we bring out the worst in each other. i think you bring out the worst in me. i am fucking rude to you sometimes, and i don't do that with anyone else. that's unacceptable.

i don't know where we're going now. we're not getting engaged this year bc we're so up and down. but it's been up and down.

you've said i'm too liberal, too left. i'm not sure what you even meant by that, you probably meant progressive? i'm not even convinced anymore we have the same core values.

unwillingness to work on your anger in a way that will FOR SURE impact our kids and our future. i'm literally going to therapy to avoid becoming my dad, and he didnt do half the shit yours did.

I can't get over what the man i love said to me, about me, at me. you hurt me so badly i couldn't get myself back together properly. ive been crying for 3 months and im realizing now ive been grieving. since that last fight, i know i couldn't live with that. I knew i would never forget that. i don't want to build a life with someone who can get that upset over something as simple as a week vacation.

i keep crying bc i fucking love you. i love you! and this isn't working. if we were younger maybe we'd get more time, but we're too old to be playing around. i know what i want and i'm not getting it here.

you deserve someone that's not half in half out. its not me

certainty is subjective, felt by the beholder. what i want is cold, hard proof. action is confirmation, patterns can be tracked.

[phcenixforce]

important for therapy / tw death /thanatophobia and overall complaining this is easier for me than journaling

i do not know what is wrong with me genuinely ive been consumed by the fear of dying and people around me dying. i cant make a joke about killing myself (which i need to stop doing) and i start freaking out with anxiety about me dying either brutally or actually killing myself and how painful it is. i think about my grandad dying and every other day its anxiety im going to get a phone call that he died or when i visit hes going to die. its my dads depression and being scared hes going to blow his brains out with a shot gun. its my moms lupus. its her husbands car crash. its my brothers allergies. its my boyfriend any time he leaves the house. i dont know what is wrong with my brain but its so agonizing to think about and feels paralyzing. scared to travel because of plane crashes.

its not related to my friend dying when i was so young because ive come to terms with the death but also i cant help but to think about how anxious i was / am about wounds being clean and infections and i want the people i love to be okay and feeling this anxiety is horrible its the worst and wouldnt wish it on anyone

my anxiety about leaving the house has been so bad im touching on being an agoraphobe because i dont want to leave the house because im scared of dying and being injured in a car accident but i also have been trying to not spend money because i havent found a job yet and its been about a month and i feel like a failure. im waiting to hear back about a job but its taking ages. im seeing my boyfriend in two weeks and im anxious about flying there because i have 4 flights total where my brain is telling me i have 4 chances to die or be injured and its so miserable same thing going to portland i have three chances to die or be injured because of that stupid clown in office and no air traffic controllers

[kindlyfunkn]

in other news though this past month or so has been maybe the worst of my life, was already feeling down about everything but now my cars fucked up again. power steering pump is shot, terrified me driving to the garage the other day (for just an inspection, an inspection no repairs, so i can get my car re-registered. ffs.) bc it started blowing smoke out of the hood and the wheel suddenly locked up.

couldnt get a hold of anyone but idk none of my friends either have cars or are free during school/work hours this was maybe around 11. my first instinct was to call my mom but she was unavailable, shes been travelling bc of my cousins wedding in alberta and mightve still been on a plane maybe idk. but she would've probably called my dad anyway bc hes the one who could actually help me, i called him right after my mom didnt pick up.

he lives 2 hours away though, i was within walking distance to my house so i just called to ask what i should do. the switch in his voice from neutral to worried was funny, especially bc ive been giving him sort of the silent treatment since we got in a petty fight. he contemplated if he could come out to town to have a look but remembered his friend craig and told me to stay where i was to. his friend is someone ive met before and had look at my car before too, and he lives out in town.

so craig was really nice, got some power steering fluid for me, drove my car for me (bc he's used to driving junk) to the garage and spoke to the mechanic for me, vehemently denied my attempts to pay for the fluid and cab fees. he told me its really funny how similar i am to my dad when we need help. he said that he told me: "you're shy like him, you stutter like him, you're nervous like him... uh no offense."

anyway so the garage wasnt able to do anything for my car bc if they didnt have the parts to fix my steering then they couldnt complete the inspection, but he didnt charge me anything so that was cool.

gotta make another appointment at a different garage.

also, speaking to my mom last night i told her how awful thingsve been. headache almost every day, i cant sleep (other night only got to sleep after 7 am, then the next night only got 3 hours, as example), how when i got up i just started crying full waterworks and i wasnt even thinking about anything. didnt tell her how i keep wanting to get drunk at night bc my thoughts just run rampant, done it a few times now. the headaches come with or without a hangover though, i grind my teeth at night. my guard was missing for a while but recently ive found it i just havent been wearing it though i should.

i didnt mean to unload anything on her just give her an update how ive been feeling bc i havent had anyone to talk to really. dont really like to vent really seriously to my (twin) sister, and my older sister (whom i live with) doesnt ever really seem to care—i feel like i cant really be upset when im around her bc she always has something happening at work or whatever. plus she keeps saying things that make me feel worse or more worried and she doesnt realize how awful ive been feeling, a few times when expressing that my head or back hurts she offers nothing except "do you want to try my meds?" NO i dont want your prescription meds!! i did take one of her migraine meds once bc they wouldnt work for her so the last pill in the bottle she offered to me and i remarked that it worked a charm, but the new meds she has now are different and strong enough that apparently they are sometimes given post surgery. sure ibuprofen/naproxen and tylenol dont work more than half the time for me but im not going right into strong meds when im taking other things. my sister doesnt take any meds other than the migraine stuff, i do take meds, i dont want any interactions.

but anyway i got sidetracked, i'll tag with the sister vent tag too. anyway i kept what i said to my mom short and simple, didnt think much of it bc sure ive been stressed out and demotivated (what else is new) and just needed to get off my chest. hate complaining to my friends i feel i do it too much. mom gave me support words of encouragement stuff like that, but told me she'll look into therapy options for me if i want since im still under her and my step moms insurance while im a student (which i technically am, exams and classes are done but still need a workterm and we're only considered fully graduates until we complete a workterm). baffled me. i used to see a counsellor (not by choice to start and i got put in dbt which sucked but i could cancel so i did bc it wasnt going anywhere. dbt mightve helped but it was on a webcam and i leaned out of frame to grab my pencil once which dropped to the floor and i was scolded so i thought this sucks im dropping this lol) but it never did much for me, but i didnt expect my mom to bring up therapy outright. we dont really do/see stuff like that in our family.

but yknow a therapist may help me right now bc everythings going south and im not that smart with adult things yet so much that i think its detrimental, so i think i said yes. if it turns out i dont need it then i can just drop it, but i think somebody unbiased who knows how things work would be able to help me a lot. its just for figuring my life out.

woof this js a huge post. did not mean to write so much and meant to keep this simple and to the point, but yknow im incapable of being concise its a curse. wasnt even gonna talk about my car initially but just started rambling. anyway thats my shitty life update