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unklarity · 5 years ago

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Critical Role: Beau

“Click “keep reading” for more photos and a description of my Beau magic box! :)

Over the course of CR2, I was totally blindsided by how much I grew to love Beau, so I was both excited and nervous to make a box for her. I actually made the whole box on paper first (which I have never done before). I think that on some level, I was procrastinating because if I never started, I couldn’t screw it up. After having numerous Beau conversations with some amazing people (special thank you to @alemongrenade, who helped me to turn my Beau feelings into real words), I was able to pin down some themes for her, but it took a while to flesh them out and really get to a point where I was comfortable with them. I ended up focusing on the difference between Beau’s perception of herself and how others perceive her, the way that perception influences her actions, and how that perception was developed.

I have a bad habit where I always feel the need to one-up myself, especially since I’m always learning new techniques and ways to do things, so I tend to want to incorporate all the things I learn into everything. With Beau, though, I wanted to keep it simple. “I’m a simple girl, simple needs,” to quote her introduction. I think Beau is very simple, on the outside, and I wanted the physical box to reflect that veneer of simplicity. Everyone always underestimates her, thinks there isn’t much more to her than a girl who has a problem with authority. So the box is plain, only decorated on the outside with the Cobalt Soul symbol, and yet the contents are varied and complex. (I love a good extended metaphor haha)

One of the reasons I struggled with Beau was her lack of concrete imagery at the beginning of the campaign. While I appreciated her simplicity from a fan standpoint, it was tough to come up with motifs to fit the box. I really wanted to reference her frustration with not being able to see in the dark and how much of a game-changer her Goggles of Night were. My first thought was a glow-in-the-dark message since I was having a hard time finding something more concrete, and even though I eventually did find a perfect pair of miniature silver goggles, I still wanted to include a glow-in-the-dark element, which ended up meshing perfectly with her jade All-Seeing Eye tattoo.

I painted the tattoo in the inside lid and added a clear, matte glow-in-the-dark paint over the top. You can see in the photo below how it looks in the light and in the dark! It’s one of my favorite parts of the box :)

Stones:

I wanted to stick to the Cobalt Soul color scheme of blues and greys as much as possible, so I wanted to use as many blue stones as I could. For a focus stone, I picked a gorgeous electric blue apatite tower. Apatite clears away guilt, confusion, apathy or negativity and helps expand one’s intellect and desire for knowledge and truth. It also represents positive use of personal power to achieve goals, encouraging you to accept yourself as you really are, and to gain greater self confidence. What I thought was interesting about this stone is that the meaning of the word Apatite relates to the Greek word 'apatao', which means 'to deceive'. Now, that’s probably due to the stone being mistaken for other minerals, but I thought it fit well with Beau not being easy to read, people thinking she’s shifty or lying even when she’s being honest, and her troubles with outwardly showing genuine emotions.

I also included a tiny Jade owl to represent wisdom, balance, perspective, and learning to be comfortable with showing your true self (and because I, too, wish Professor Thaddeus could have been Beau’s awesome owl sidekick).

The rest of the stones in the box are:

Fluorite- focus, intelligence, aids in meditation and helps with finding peace with oneself

Labradorite- transformation, becoming, being more true to who you are, help banishing fears/insecurities while enhancing faith and reliance in oneself;

Aquamarine - courage, freedom, and communication

Honey Calcite- clarity of insight/action, confidence, intellectual power

Rose quartz - forgiving oneself, learning to accept love, alleviating fear and sorrow/resentment

Blue aventurine - moving past trauma/letting go of emotional baggage, endurance, help saying what you mean, inner strength, passion/determination, gaining control of anger and emotion, using it to help you

Hematite- grounding, cooperation (fighting in cooperation with spellcasters), fighting up close and personal (associated with martial artists), help talking your way out of situations

Tourmalated Quartz- hardness/tough exterior, help when feeling trapped/cornered. provides security when there is fear of failure, courage and self-acceptance in the learning process. Help with self sabotaging. Good for discipline and meditation. Help dealing with anger/self loathing/bitterness

Sodalite-help being less critical of oneself and help calming internal conflict

Celestite- clarity, intuition, and openness to things out of your comfort zone (also divine energy as a reference to Caduceus’ Holy Weapon spell)

And that’s it for stones!

Potions:

There are 6 potions, each labeled with a number on the bottom. The first three are in the photo below, in order from left to right:

The first potion is centered around Beau’s perception of herself, and how that’s been influenced by her interactions with others. Inside the bottle are lemon balm and basil for self hatred, peony for shame and anger, yellow carnation for disdain, heather for solitude and only being able to rely on herself/carry burdens herself, marigold for feeling like she has to constantly fight to prove herself worthy of love (“love you have to fight for”), nettle for insecurity and perceived insincerity, pine for low self worth, lotus for rebelling against authority, purple hyacinth for guilt/feeling like she has to apologize for being herself, and yellow hyacinth for comparing yourself to others/not thinking you’re special. Sealed with silver wax and a lotus flower stamp with blue pigment.

The second potion is a direct contrast to the first, dealing with other people’s perception of Beau and how she really is. There’s acorn for wisdom despite youth, sunflower for wisdom/loyalty, nutmeg for intelligence/wit, cedar for resilience and strength, pansy for thoughtfulness, thyme for loyalty, affection, attracting the good opinion of others, and courage in the face of adversity, gladiolus for strength of character, faithfulness, and honor, and dogwood for deep devotion and keeping confidence. Sealed with silver wax and a sunflower stamp with blue pigment.

The third potion represents the Cobalt Soul and what it means to Beau at different points in the campaign. At the beginning, the Soul is just another cage, someone else trying to impose their will on Beau, but as the story goes on, her goals and theirs start to line up. Dairon is the first authority figure we see give Beau a real chance while also managing to earn her respect, making the Cobalt Soul something that Beau can be a part of instead of something she’s trying to run from. In this potion we have tarragon for struggling to regain independence, chamomile for shedding outside influence, anise for using knowledge as power/to protect yourself/to get what you want, gum arabic for meditation, lilac for wisdom/memory/unlocking potential, rosemary for mental alertness/perception, violet for guarding against deception, lily for freedom and no longer feeling trapped, green tourmaline for calming the mind and increasing abilities/confidence, chrysocolla chips for empowerment and adaptability, and jasmine for appreciation, calming, and developing confidence. Sealed with silver wax and a Cobalt Soul stamp with blue pigment.

The next photo shows potions four through six, in order from left to right.:

Potion number four represents Beau’s past and how it affects her life currently. Before meeting the Mighty Nein, Beau grew up with parents who constantly tried to make her into something she wasn’t; her criminal background was a direct result of Beau rebelling against that control, and we see throughout the campaign that her intense distrust of authority figures still follows her wherever she goes. As time goes on, she does do a lot of growing up and letting go, and yet the way she was treated in the past still informs many of her present decisions and actions. In this potion, there’s lavender for ingrained distrust and problems between parent & child, dandelion for overcoming hardship, sage & cypress for grief and loss, amaranth for help recovering from trauma, black salt for being controlled/told what to be, yellow rose for betrayal, yarrow for regaining agency, mint for trying to atone for the past (Specifically, her guilt and criminal background vs. adopting Molly’s philosophy of leaving places better than you find them after his death), and barberry for freeing oneself from the power/control of another. Sealed with silver wax and a rosemary with blue pigment.

The fifth potion centers around Beau’s fears and struggles (fear of people leaving her, of not being good enough, struggle with being friendly/charismatic, being soft, struggle with presentation). There’s rue for regrets and obsessing over past mistakes, poppy for carrying a traumatic period in your life with you and letting it affect your actions, hydrangea for apparent aggression and being “bad at people,” cinquefoil for desire to be eloquent/wise/self confident, snapdragon for feeling like she has to lie because that would be better than being herself, gardenia for difficulty trusting others/letting people in, violet for importance of outward appearance (being in control of your own presentation and aesthetic and how important that is for Beau), amethyst for fear of being abandoned, garnet for help shedding guilt/sharing burdens, redeeming oneself, and struggling with responsibility (taking so many of the M9’s failures as her own personal responsibility). Sealed with silver wax and a fists stamp with blue pigment.

The sixth and final potion deals with the people around Beau and how she grows by learning lessons from others, both members of the Mighty Nein and the people they cross paths with. Just as in all the rest of the M9 boxes I’ve done so far, there are cloves for camaraderie and being improved by friends, one for each member of the group. There’s also red carnation and basil for brother-sister bonds with Caleb and Fjord, skullcap for willful commitment (found family), zinnia for remembering absent friends (Molly), sweet pea for chaos and adventure (in particular the Jester-Nott-Beau “chaos crew”), magnolia for loyalty, rose quartz for learning to accept love, and bluebell for friendship and slowly growing to be comfortable with being more truthful/open with people. Sealed with silver wax and a rosemary stamp with blue pigment.

That’s it for the potions! Next are the rest of the box’s miscellaneous contents:

So before I even got a box for Beau, I knew there had to be ball bearings in it. There are about a hundred, minus any that managed to escape while I took this picture :)

In the tiny blue pouch, there are gold coins for Beau’s role initial role as group treasurer, along with aforementioned ball bearings, a worn out old Circus flyer, and a set of 21 miniature Major Arcana tarot cards - the 22nd card, the Moon, is in my Jester box. Attached to the tie of the pouch are a silver pair of goggles with purple lenses to represent her Goggles of Night.

Also in the box are Beau’s staff, and her super secret book of important monk notes. Tucked into the book’s closure is a tiny hand-stamped coin with one of my favorite serious Beau quotes, “I don’t want us to drive each other away.”

Below are some close ups of the wax seals so you can see them better:

Thanks so much for reading! That’s it for Beau. Below are some close ups of the whole box at different angles, plus the quote I engraved on the bottom: “You are a good friend to have and a terrible enemy to make.”

I really had a great time working on Beau and I hope you love her as much as I do!

You can check my “magic boxes” tag to see the rest of my M9 boxes, or you can see them on my website at unklarity (dot) com!

#magic boxes #critical role #beauregard lionett #mighty nein #critical role art #magic box

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pocket-bunney · 5 years ago

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Educational | An Overwatch story

‘Gabriel, Gabriel, Gabriel’ - Moira said, each word rolling off with more delight from her tongue ‘You have really outdone yourself this time.’

She picked up the tablet from the table and a wide smile spread across her face. Unintentionally, she let out a strange little chuckle of excitement, one she usually reserved for significant scientific breakthroughs.

‘We must bring him here at once so we can start our research.’ she said, her voice matter-of-fact with a dash of that lingering delight.

‘Tomorrow evening at 2200. I heard you two know each other?’ Gabriel growled and turned around and headed to the exit ‘Spare me the whole story. Just be ready. I heard he is unstable, our best bet is that he will react favorably to a familiar face.’

Moira looked at him leave but did not say anything. Then she carefully lifted up the tablet again, looking thoughtfully on the profile picture of a man in his sixties.

‘Siebren… you’ve really done it this time, old fool’ she muttered, then discarded the tablet and turned around to make preparations.

***

It seemed like a lifetime ago when she first met him, even though it must have only been 15 years or so, but her life had taken quite many turns since then.

Back then she was still working on her paper about DNA alteration, but skill, knowledge and diligence - as she had to find out - did not bring progress after a certain point in the scientific community. You needed connections, mentors and sponsors, the more influential, the better.

Moira in her younger years was never quite good at socializing. There were a few peers she could tolerate from her long years of studies, but that network only got her so far. Her funding, and hence her research, was halted for good without some influential backers.

Therefore, albeit unwillingly but she started reaching out to other colleagues across the globe and got to attending some science conferences. These were mostly bland and boring, bound by the shackles of ethics, not a true innovator among any of the people she met. Even worse, all that socializing, small talk and fruitless network-building were making her sick to the stomach.

She was in Rotterdam now at a conference where the overarching theme was gravity. Physics were normally not in her field of interest, but she was quite intrigued by the biological findings of the Horizon Lunar Colony, and anyway, the event was just a short plane-trip away.

‘I should be up there’ she thought to herself annoyed, standing in one of the lobbies by one of those tall, skinny tables and taking yet another piece of dry salty pastry form a bowl while glancing up at the sky with the pale moon up. ‘I should be up there, making actual, daring research, not those pansies with breeding monkeys and hamsters.’

‘Excuse me, madam’ someone said, stepping into her line of sight. She looked up unamused - it was a surprisingly tall man about a decade older than her. He had muscular, broad shoulders and a friendly expression on his face ‘I saw you were here all by yourself so I thought you could use some company. Please let me introduce myself, I am Dr. Siebren De Kuiper, astrophysicist.’

‘‘Dr. Moira O’Deorain, genetic engineering.’ Moira offered restrained and held out her hand. Dr. De Kuiper had a nice handshake - Finally someone, Moira thought - not too aggressive, not too limp. She was not a short one herself but she found she needed to tilt her head up if she wanted to look into his eyes.

‘So, Dr. O’Deorain, what brings you to this conference, if I may ask? Surely not the awful break-time snacks.’ he said, taking a piece from the bowl.

Moira snickered, but instantly checked herself.

‘I mainly came for the session about the Lunar base and to hear the findings about the genetic level influences of low- and zero gravity.’ she offered in a measured tone ‘But I don’t want to bore you with the details. Surely, an astrophysicist has a broader interest here than me.’

‘Oh, good Doctor, but that is the thing! The theme of the conference is Gravity. Such an overarching power, so many fields influenced... From the very stem cells we all come from, until the super-massive black holes at the center our our Galaxy… Gravity is everywhere, governing our existence, our very fate!’ his blue eyes sparkled with enthusiasm as he was talking and gesturing ‘Such a force to be reckoned with, uniting so many people… I must admit, it makes me quite happy colleagues from other fields also find interest in this event today. But-- forgive me, I am rambling. Dr. O’Deorain, do tell more about your research.’

Moira took a slight breath and gave her elevator-pitch on her current research about custom genetic programs. She had several of these speeches perfected out for each type of listener - one for patrons who knew little of science, one for scientists from other fields and the most elaborate of course, for genetic engineers. She thought the pleasantries would end after her short speech, but to her surprise de Kuiper was very inquiring and before long they struck up quite the conversation. He was a strange person: wise and thoughtful, yet also eccentric and quite jovial - and above all, very polite and thoughtful.

Moira felt intrigued and, after the last year or so full of long and tedious of forced networking, she found herself enjoying the conversation about their researches just for the sake of it.

A bell rang somewhere and Siebren perked up, then quickly apologized and told Moira to come to his seminar that was the last one of the day.

‘I really hope you will come. I’ll do my best to make it interesting’ he added with a smile, and Moira caught herself smiling back and nodding.

Once he was out of sight, she angrily bit the long nail of her thumb, contemplating why the hell she agreed to go. It was not like she had to gain anything from this connection.

Why would she even be interested in something else than her own agenda?

And still - some time later, there she sat in the seminar room with the rest of the crowd. Just to observe him, she told herself. There was something to learn from this elderly man.

Siebren was commanding the small stage with his posture, gestures and charismatic but friendly voice. He sometimes stammered just a bit, looking for exactly the right words, like a teenager confessing his love, and wanting to get the feelings across just right. He had a simple, old-school whiteboard behind him and scribbled some equations Moira did not grasp at all, and now and then used some impressive holographs to prove a point. Amidst all the gravity-related puns (of which there were more than what Moira was comfortable with as a geneticists) Moira couldn’t help but think how the power of harnessing a black hole’s energy was quite as exhilarating and a morally grey area like her own research of DNA alteration on the cell level.

If one could create black holes at will… maybe even use the immense power of gravity to shield oneself and to assault enemies… Surely it could be done, with the right circumstances. But the issue of stability…. well that was agreeably the greatest risk of this hypothesis.

Moira found herself feverishly noting down some raw ideas, mixed with observations she made from Siebren’s presentation. He was captivating everyone’s attention in the room with his words, tone and gesture - and she wanted to possess such a power as well.

There was a roaring applause once the Dutchman finished and several members from the audience went down to shake his hand and speak a few words with him. Moira lazily scribbled in her notebook as the line in front of Siebren just got longer and longer.

She stretched and let her thoughts run wild in her head - not quite sure how much of these she could actually include in her current research, but it was a refreshing change to be considering new possibilities after being bogged down in her laboratory for such a long time. She found she was not tired at all, and was not in the mood to return to her dull hotel room just yet.

At one point a strange chill struck her, and she looked up, seeing Siebren staring directly at her from the podium with a wide smile.

‘How did you like it?’ he asked cheerfully. They were the last two people in the enormous hall.

‘It was… educational’ Moira said teasingly as she gathered her notebook and slowly walked down the flight of stairs next to him.

‘Educational?’ he seemed a bit disappointed ‘O mijn God, even my completely stoned students have stronger opinions than that, Doctor. Was it that bad?’ he asked, stepping next to the whiteboard and wiping it off with a concerned look.

Moira stepped next to him and picked up a whiteboard marker.

‘It actually made me think of a few new things.’

Siebren’s face instantly lit up. ‘Happy to hear that!’ he exclaimed ‘Do you wish to discuss?’ he asked eagerly, gesturing towards the whiteboard.

‘Before we do, Dr. De Kuiper…’ Moira started in a silken voice ‘I am quite inclined to ask you about your views on ethics. Both you and I seem to be exploring quite the moral grey zone, wouldn’t you agree?’

‘Hmmm’ the man replied at first with a light smile as he looked thoughtfully into the heterochromic eyes ‘I can of course give my opinion… Under one condition.’

‘Yes?’ Moira frowned. She did not like conditions.

‘Let’s be on a first name basis, Dr. O’Deorain. Such conversations are more suited with closer acquaintances’ he said with a warm smile, and she smiled back at him.

‘Very well... Siebren. So, your views?’

‘Well, Moira, twenty years ago everyone thought me for a fool for even mentioning harnessing black holes’ Siebren chuckled and sat down on the table on top of the podium ‘It took some convincing, some funding and a lot of work to change how people perceived it. Let me put it this way - gravity and ethics both keep something together. Only the latter is not absolute, it is not a rule of the universe. You can slowly chip away at it. Two hundred years ago women in science were unheard of. And now, here you are. Ethics change. We are the ones changing them, Moira.’

They talked for hours, discussing hypotheses about utilizing black holes and gravitational force on a cellular level. There was no topic too daring, no idea too unethical for their conversation. He even promised to get her in touch with some important people.

Around 2 a.m. he called a taxi for her, holding out an umbrella until she got into the car.

The contacts he introduced her to ended up being the founders of Oasis, which, after the fall of Blackwatch provided to be a stable means to fund her research.

Later they emailed each other a few more times, but never quite managed to meet up again. She occasionally read articles about him, but in the last few years, all but forgot about him - until today.

***

The facility was unassuming on the outside, but a fortress on the inside - but it all mattered not with Gabriel’s planning and Talon’s sheer force.

‘Daaaamn, this security is top-notch’ Sombra pouted ‘Just sayin, I ain’t goin’ in there to see granpa if this is the level of security he gets.’

‘Just get this thing open and disable the alarms’ Moira snapped at her ‘I’ll take care of the rest.’

‘Be sure you do, Doctor…’ Sombra replied, giving out a little snicker.

The door to the cell was a huge one, protected not only by electric locks but also a huge mechanical valve. After the screeching alarms went down, Akande tore off the whole door and flung it to the side as if it was made out of paper, then glanced into the small room beyond it, padded from floor to ceiling.

‘Not going in?’ Sombra teased him.

‘Doctor, this is your specialty’ Akande gestured towards the room, but as Moira passed him, he grabbed her arm and whispered into her ear - ‘I want you and him BOTH in one piece and in a usable form.’ The woman removed her arm from his grip and brushed it off with an annoyed expression. Then, with a sharp inhale, she stepped into the confinement room.

It took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the dimly lit room, but once they did, she saw a figure standing in one of the corners, hunched and muttering something inaudible. The silhouette she recognized but it has changed, the broad shoulders and confident stance broken and shaking. He looked like he was on the verge of imploding on himself.

‘Siebren.’ she called out softly. The figure twitched but did not turn her way.

‘It’s all the same! Life, death… it doesn’t matter!’ he suddenly said, then fell abruptly silent.

Moira took a step closer. Suddenly, the floor gave away beneath her and the air was instantly pressed out from her lungs. She slowly fell to her knees - the floor was still there, but the sinking feeling in her stomach just kept getting worse. She was panting, trying to fight this invisible force, somehow.

So this is his power, she thought to herself. She needed to get closer, within reaching distance… but it was impossible to stand, so she resorted to crawl towards him inch by inch - she would have felt immensely humiliated if she wasn’t completely oxygen deprived and fighting for each and every breath.

‘It’s me Siebren... Moira… Dr. Moira O’Deorain. You need to calm down for me… Siebren, can you hear me? Do you remember me?’

‘I don’t remember what went wrong’ Siebren muttered ‘My calculations… my life… everything was coming down to that moment…’

A bullet swished through the air, abruptly stopping right before Siebren’s head, then it bounced right back where it came from with a loud PANG. Moira couldn’t decide if she felt relieved that this ragtag group of idiots were looking out for her or disappointed that their efforts were worth absolutely nothing.

‘THAT MELODY, I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE, WHAT IS IT?!’ Siebren suddenly yelled out. Moira felt her body rise uncontrollably and then be abruptly smashed back into the floor. She growled; every inch of hers hurt like hell, her head was spinning and she was on the verge of throwing up, passing out, or worse enough, both. She needed to end this, now.

With her last bit of strength she hoistered herself up onto her forearms and saw De Kuiper collapsing a few feet away from her. He was completely silent now, just slightly twitching and staring up at the ceiling, never blinking.

Moira slowly crawled next to him and felt the pressure on her lungs lift with every passing second. Gently, she held out her left hand above his head and released a tiny amount of healing biotic energy. Then, she placed her hand on Siebren’s forehead.

‘I’m here’ she said in the gentlest tone she could muster. He twitched a couple more times, then slowly closed his eyes.

‘Doctor O’Deorain’ he muttered, only half opening his eyes, his gaze unfocused. ‘May I ask, what brings you to this conference? Surely not the awful break-time snacks.’

After her initial shock, Moira forced a smile on her face and while whispering a reply, carefully reached into her pocket for the tranquilizer she’s stashed away.

‘I came to see your seminar on gravity, Siebren. I heard it was quite the event.’

‘Someone once said it was... educational’ Siebren chuckled to himself, then tensed a bit as Moira pressed the tranquilizing shot onto his neck.

‘Well, we can’t all be great astrophysicists like you’ Moira said lightheartedly, leaning back a bit.

‘I have a great experiment lined up…’he said, dozing off, then twitched, and looked at her sharply ‘Help… m-’ then another twitch ‘So nice you ca…’ and then he closed his eyes and remained still.

Moira felt her hand weighing down on his forehead heavily, as if bound by a tiny but powerful gravity field.

#overwatch #sigma #moira #fanfiction #siebren de kuiper #moira o'deorain #sigmoira

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sleemo · 7 years ago

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New Order

In The Last Jedi, Rey teams up with Luke Skywalker – but he’s not the man we remember. And that’s not the only shock. Total Film talks to the key players about the Star Wars movie that changes everything.

— Total Film Magazine

“Luke Skywalker has vanished,” announced the opening crawl to Star Wars: The Force Awakens. And vanished he remained, for pretty much the entire running time of the seventh instalment in the space saga.

Sure, his presence hung heavily over that film, the first Star Wars movie in a decade, and the first to follow on from the events of 1983’s Return Of The Jedi. Luke ended that particular film a pretty well-balanced Jedi Knight, having helped destroy the evil Empire while resolving some of his daddy issues with Darth Vader. He was last spotted at a victory celebration on Endor, watched over by the Force ghosts of Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Vader/Anakin. What could go wrong?

Cut to 30 years later and the events of The Force Awakens, and Luke is nowhere to be seen – save for a brief flashback – until the final moment when he’s handed his trusty lightsaber by Rey (Daisy Ridley), a young scavenger from the desert planet Jakku who has recently discovered Force sensitivities of her own. The long hair and grey beard can’t disguise the tormented scowl of the galaxy’s original golden boy.

This is not the Luke we remember. As Mark Hamill himself puts it to TF, “It’s shocking to hear Luke say, ‘I know only one truth: it’s time for the Jedi to end’ – the last time we saw him, he was the most optimistic character. He was sort of at the peak of his powers, and you would imagine that he’d then become a Jedi master and train other people and so forth. What has happened to him that has so traumatised him into where he is now?”

That is the question that drives The Last Jedi, aka Episode VIII. In 2015, J.J. Abrams’ The Force Awakens was a critical and commercial smash, putting Star Wars back on top (after the plastic prequels squandered fan goodwill), scoring more than $2bn at the global box office and an overwhelmingly positive response.

Last year’s standalone ‘Story’ Rogue One was also a hit to the tune of $1bn, proving that the world was ready for adventures outside the core episodic structure. But now we’re back to the narrative throughline of Rey, Kylo Ren, Finn, Poe... and of course, Leia and Luke. (The journey of the former, who we’ve seen go from orphan to princess to spy to senator to general of the Resistance during the franchise, is apparently unaltered in The Last Jedi, despite Carrie Fisher’s death meaning this will be her last Star Wars movie.)

“Watching the film, there’s going to be a very emotional reaction to what she does in this movie,” says TLJ director Rian Johnson. The indie auteur behind Brick, The Brothers Bloom and Looper, he’s something of a Padawan when it comes to blockbuster filmmaking on this scale.

Johnson’s the only person besides George Lucas to have a solo writer-director credit on a Star Wars movie, and it seems he used that autonomy to make some pretty bold choices, even in a series celebrated for its twists.

Hamill even famously told Johnson, “‘I pretty much fundamentally disagree with every choice you’ve made for [Luke],” before he came round to Johnson’s way of thinking (and he’s now hoping the audience will have the same reaction). Daisy Ridley was similarly surprised when she first read the Episode VIII script. “I had certain [expectations] of what I thought would happen [in the story] and then I was taken aback by what did happen,” she explains.

“I went and talked to Rian about it and then you’re like, ‘Oh, OK.’ Hearing the thing from the person as to what it is that they are picturing made it all seem great instead of nerve-wracking.”

To speak to Johnson himself, it’s hard to imagine he could ever cause shock or worry in an actor, given his politeness and warmth. And despite the fact he’s taken the characters from The Force Awakens and pulled them out of their comfort zone, he admits to being driven by his own intense Star Wars fandom.

He also asserts that the film will very much be a continuation of The Force Awakens: narratively, stylistically, tonally. “As much as I could I was trying to [maintain the tone], because it’s a continuous story,” he says. “And in fact, you know, some of the things we do get a little heavier in this movie, but I was very conscious of trying to continue the tone from the last movie... It was delightful. It was a blast. And I didn’t want to lose that. I didn’t want to descend into heaviosity with this movie.”

All that said, The Last Jedi will be anything but a repeat of TFA. “The second chapter has a much different function than the first chapter, and I knew there were going to be things that were different about it – just the same way that there are things that are different about Empire from A New Hope.”

LUKE WHO’S TALKING

For all the impact of Luke’s appearance at the end of The Force Awakens, something significant was missing. Dialogue. In person, Hamill couldn’t be further from the sombre, taciturn Luke of the current movies. Garrulous and generous to a fault, an innocuous question leads to an anecdote avalanche – littered with spot-on impersonations of George Lucas, Harrison Ford and Alec Guinness – and our allotted time disappears faster than the Millennium Falcon on the Kessel Run.

When we meet in London’s Rosewood Hotel, Hamill launches into a story about his original Star Wars audition process, totally unprompted. “And by the way, it got down to two sets of one Han, Luke and Leia, and another Han, Luke and Leia,” he says. “They never mixed and matched. It was either Carrie, Harrison and me, or the three other people. Marcia Lucas [Star Wars editor and George’s ex-wife] took credit for urging him, because he couldn’t decide. So I always like to give her a shout-out, because it changed my life in so many wonderful ways.”

While Luke Skywalker would become a role that would define his life, Hamill still felt some hesitance about returning to the franchise – something that chimes with Luke’s own withdrawal from the world. “Well, it’s the fear of the unknown,” considers Hamill of his own reluctance. “Because I thought we had a beginning, middle and an end. What if we don’t catch lightning in the bottle again? Fans can be so judgemental. They were hypercritical of some of the prequels. A lot of it, I think, was because it didn’t go the way that they wanted it to go. And they became very possessive of this series.”

In terms of relating to Luke’s position, Hamill admits, “You always try to make some kind of a connection, even in a fantasy, to something in your own life... and maybe it’s that failure to change the world the way I wanted it to be, that I could relate to as Luke not being able to accomplish what he wanted to accomplish.”

For Johnson, writing for Luke and pals was something of a childhood dream realised. “You type ‘Luke Skywalker’ into your screenplay program and then start typing dialogue, and you get chills,” laughs Johnson. “Or Leia, you know? But also, I’ll tell you the truth. As much as growing up with Star Wars, and that I was looking forward to working with Mark and Carrie, the thing that really hooked me – and I think hooked so many of the folks that are into these movies – is the new characters from The Force Awakens.”

Much as audiences and Star Wars devotees were excited to see Han Solo, General Leia and Luke Skywalker return to the fold for another Episode, they were always set to be key supporting characters, rather than the leads. The new trilogy would have run out of steam pretty quickly if there weren’t any new characters worth investing in.

That’s where Abrams struck gold, particularly with Rey, played by genuine overnight sensation Ridley. An orphaned scavenger, she found a family of sorts with Han Solo, Chewie and liberated stormtrooper turned Resistance fighter Finn. At the end of TFA, a lightsaber duel with Han’s estranged son (and murderer) Kylo Ren began to unlock some of Rey’s Force skills, and she would later head to Ahch-To to hand Luke his trusty ’saber. In a break from tradition, The Last Jedi will be the first Star Wars movie to pick up precisely where the last one finished.

NO JEDI IS AN ISLAND

That direct continuation meant yomping back to Skellig Michael, the Irish island that stood in for Ahch-To. Filming there before principal photography began in earnest, it meant that Johnson had “a couple of ‘first’ days, weirdly.”

A precarious location, it presented a number of challenges for Ridley. “Going to the toilet at the top of that island, I swear to God, that path was this big,” she gestures, making not the most reassuring indication of its width. “And there was no railing. So you’d be walking, thinking, ‘Why am I going to the toilet on the top of a cliff? And if I take a step to my right, will I fall to my death? And is this worth it?’ So that was really, really surreal. And then it was sort of amazing actually because I think I remember [thinking], ‘This is the most amazing view ever.’”

What little we know of the plot to TLJ suggests Luke will train up Rey as a Jedi. “Actors want to fall into the characters they’re playing,” is all Hamill offers when we ask him if the mentor/trainee relationship was reflected off-screen. For Ridley, this film brought a shedload of new stunts to tackle that would push her to her limits, including a mysterious underwater sequence.

“The dive for me was probably the most scary and the most thrilling thing,” she says. “The lightsaber stuff was great because I felt like I got a lot stronger and I could push myself a lot further than I thought I could the first time around... It sort of worked story-wise too, because as I was getting stronger with it, you would think in the story that was happening too. But the dive was my favourite thing. It was frickin’ awesome.”

Not that this new-found strength necessarily meant Ridley felt more confident going into the sequel after the overwhelmingly positive response to TFA. “I found it much more scary, honestly,” she gasps. “I felt way more neurotic the whole way through. Because with the first one, I was lost in the whole journey of it, and on this one, I was much more aware of what was going on every day. Like, it felt more visceral. The first one felt like a dream the whole time.” And when audiences massively embrace your character, that only heightens the weight of expectations. “There’s a responsibility and a sort of feeling to uphold that people have connected to. So I actually found it a lot more scary, but also very rewarding.”

With Johnson thrusting the characters in unexpected directions, Rey is split from Finn, her fellow stowaway in TFA, as the story demands that she share the screen with Luke. Boyega’s Finn – who was left comatose at the close of the last film – will return to action in a mission that will take him away from Rey and towards the bright lights of obscenely wealthy casino planet Canto Bight. “Finn got a back injury and the Resistance is at its lowest point it’s ever been and they are very, very weak at the moment,” Boyega explains. “And so, for him, he has chosen to do this crazy mission.”

NEW BLOOD

Finn’s mission allies him with a couple of the galaxy’s fresh arrivals, including Resistance member Rose, played by newcomer Kelly Marie Tran. Pausing to consider what she can actually tell us about Rose, Tran offers, “She works in maintenance, and she is really good at what she does...” She pauses. “I keep saying she is not cool. I don’t want people to misinterpret that. By that, I mean she is not like this muscly superhero that you can never be. She’s this everywoman character. Like, what would you do as a normal human being if you got pulled into this?”

Finn and Rose end up having to form a cautious alliance with the film’s mysterious ‘DJ’ (Benicio Del Toro), a ‘slicer’ (read: hacker), whose particular set of skills the pair find themselves in need of. A quick Google search will reveal the meaning behind Del Toro’s initialled moniker, but we’ll leave that out for now for the spoiler-averse. Suffice to say, he’s probably not entirely trustworthy. He’s one of a handful of fresh faces introduced in TLJ.

In terms of the new characters, Tran is particularly stoked for audiences to see DJ and Laura Dern’s Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo (see Q&A, opposite). “I think they bring a lot of cool, different energy into a franchise like this,” she says.

Also to watch out for in this instalment are new creatures, such as the already beloved porgs (see boxout p61), an insanely cute birdlike species that resides on Ahch-To. We’ll also see close-up glimpses of the First Order’s Supreme Leader Snoke (Andy Serkis), no longer hiding behind a hologram. Captain Phasma will return to clash with Finn. And if the final trailer is anything to go by, the parallels between Rey and Kylo Ren (a former apprentice of Luke’s gone rogue, remember) will become even more apparent.

“From the script [of The Force Awakens], to seeing the film for the first time, I felt like the dynamic between those two is fascinating and complicated and had a lot of potential,” grins Johnson. “That was one of the things I was really excited to figure out ways to get into, on this one.” The gasp- inducing sign-off to the trailer suggests Rey reaches out to Kylo to “show me my place in all of this”, although Johnson assures us that if you’ve seen the trailer, you shouldn’t think you know it all. “We all love the trailer because we look at it and we say, ‘God, it looks like it sells the cow, but it doesn’t.’ Not because it’s tricky or it’s misleading you, but because there’s just a lot more... It doesn’t give you answers, it gives you questions, which is terrific.”

END GAME

Johnson also jokes that making the middle chapter is “so much easier”.

“I just found it really fun, having had a great setup with these characters, and to then delve into each of them, and then to leave it in a place similar to what I felt on The Force Awakens... You’re excited for what comes next.” Not that you should expect anything ‘middling’ about The Last Jedi. “I did want the audience to feel like they’ve had a full meal, and they’re excited a few years from now for what comes next.”

Perhaps the biggest shock relating to the whole production was the fact the film itself was completely finished almost three whole months ahead of its release date, pretty much unheard of in this age of blockbusters being subjected to tweaks and adjustments right up to the 11th hour.

Johnson’s longtime producing partner Ram Bergman expresses no surprise that Johnson has smashed it. “Rian is very specific,” Bergman says. “It makes preparation so much easier. It’s efficient.” The jury will soon be in on where Johnson’s effort rates in the canon, but for now he has the bittersweet experience of handing back the reins to J.J. Abrams, who is returning to the saga to direct Episode IX after Colin Trevorrow departed due to creative differences with Lucasfilm.

“J.J.’s seen several cuts of the movie, and he read a few drafts of the script,” says Johnson. “He’s been a great cheerleader through the whole process, and with very helpful notes. But that was all in context of just wanting his opinion as a filmmaker. That was before he was doing IX. We’ve had a couple of very small conversations, but nothing substantive about IX. But the truth is, I’m not really going to be involved at all.”

With the picture locked, Johnson will effectively step back from the franchise, and resume following it as a fan. “It’s very similar to the handoff between VII and VIII. I kind of took it to a place, and now I’m going to hand the baton off and step back.”

Johnson calls this “a complicated thing”, but can’t hide his glee when it comes to putting him back in the position of a punter once more, excited for what the future of the franchise holds. “I’m psyched,” he grins. “I can’t wait to sit back and just be an audience member again, and I’m really excited to see how J.J. finishes all this off.”

Star Wars: The Last Jedi opens on 14 December.

— Total Film Magazine

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bluesrrgents · 7 years ago

Note

Hi!! I was just wondering - do you have any good andreil fic recommendations?? I ADORE lessons in cartography and wanted something like that. I'm sorry to bother you if you don't read FICS!!

i haven’t yet read lessons in cartography i’m sorry :( i’ve been told there aren’t any other fics quite like it but i’m still willing to make a list of andreil fics to recommend!! thanks to all my friends who gave me more recs

* a star just means i haven’t read it but it’s been recommended to me

sky blue sky by jaylocked

Neil collects the cup a moment later, almost absently, as he thinks back to the nightmare that had started his day. He takes a sip, planning to turn away, and is almost assaulted by the sheer quantity of sugar in his drink. Who knew coffee could taste that sweet? It’s disgusting.

Neil looks back to Andrew, who is once more leveling a blank gaze at him, hazel eyes deeply unimpressed. Neil quirks an eyebrow, confused. It’s definitely not worth it to say anything. After all, it’s been engrained in him not to draw attention to himself, to order whatever is blandest and least interesting, to get in and out best he can.

He can feel the weight of Andrew’s gaze on his back as he leaves the cafe, but he tries to ignore it.

this one is 2 parts, about 3k each but it’s cute

*light fires at night (to push back the void by inthesea

The first time Andrew realizes he wants to hear the words, Neil isn’t even doing anything. He’s just sitting there, staring at the horizon with that stupidly dramatic faraway expression of his, and letting the cigarette burn down between his fingers all the way to the filter — an outrageous waste of good nicotine, if you asked Andrew.

(Or: 20+ times Andrew and Neil say I love you, and one time they say it out loud.) (61k)

this one seems to be the most similar to lessons that can be found so i put it at the top :) the rest are ordered based on word count

*your crown of thorns holds roses by quensty

Three days after he signs his death sentence to Palmetto State, five after Andrew Minyard sends him flying breathless to the ground, Neil’s gaze snaps to the locker room mirror and stares, frozen, at the word threat scrawled along his spinal cord in terrifying, heavy bold.

All in all, he isn’t thrilled about the situation this puts him in, but, based off the negative connotation, it isn’t one-sided either. On the bright side, at least this means his soulmate doesn’t harbor any grandeur delusions about him. (4.4k)

*missed call by badacts

There was one thing Nathan had always stood by, his personal code – if you were going to go after someone, you went after them. Not their dog, not their parents, and definitely not their partner. He might not have managed to teach that to his henchmen, but he clearly succeeded with his son.

That, and ‘a head for an eye’. (5.7k)

*now i’m covered in the colors by alaynes

Nathaniel Wesninski is six years old when his first soulmate mark comes in. (9.7k)

*be neither fish nor fowl by Saul

They found it in the locked room of a Royal Navy’s vessel, The Fox waiting to take her crew and their new spoils across the deep blue.

It was beautiful. It was rarer than any diamond.

“A mermaid,” Dan laughed, taking a step back and sweeping her hat off her head to hold to her chest. “They were transporting a mermaid.”

It was going to make them rich.

( wherein the Foxes are pirates, Neil has gills, and no one quite trusts the magic.) (26k)

this fic has three parts!!

*latchkey child by Saul

The segment’s title declared EXY’S DARLINGS - WHERE WILL THEY GO FROM HERE? in a yellow banner along the television screen’s bottom. It was a spotlight feature on where Kevin Day and Riko Moriyama were planning to go after their high school graduation. Of course they were expected to join the best, but a few reporters speculated on favoritism from the Raven’s coach if they signed on at Edgar Allan, and if that’d impact the Exy prodigies’ relationships with their potential teammates.

Usually his mother would box his ears for looking at anything Exy-related, but he changed the channel long before her shower finished, the black ink on a younger Day’s cheekbone haunting him worse than the date in the corner.

( Neil wakes up seven years younger, and, slowly, takes matters into his own hands. ) (31k)

*and in a flash, it’s gone. by Idnis

‘I wouldn’t associate with Andrew anymore, nor with any of the others. You can’t trust foxes after all.’The man’s fist connected precisely where his head wound was, and then Neil Josten was gone.

Neil loses his memory and has to somehow make sense of the pieces of his past and present. And Andrew. (36k)

*die young by moonix

Ever since the violent death of his mother Neil has withdrawn completely from the outside world. He lives with his Uncle Stuart and barely ever leaves the house. In order to help him overcome his anxiety, Stuart hires his favourite waiter, Nicky, to befriend him. With Nicky come the rest of the Foxes, and Neil finds himself being reluctantly adopted into a much bigger family, reconnecting with an old friend, and developing a crush… (41k)

*dangerous magics by SashaSea

“What if evil doesn’t really exist? What if evil is something dreamed up by man, and there is nothing to struggle against except out own limitations? The constant battle between our will, our desires, and our choices?” -Libba Bray, Rebel Angels

(urban fantasy/Celtic legend AU) (52k)

on the impossibility of reality by defractum (nyargles)

“Inception,” says Ichirou Moriyama.

‘You’re crazy,’ Neil does not say, but it’s a close thing. “It can’t be done,” he says instead, after a too long pause.

An Inception AU. Kevin is the best extractor in the game, Neil spends too much time pretending to be other people, and Andrew? Well, Andrew knows all about inception. (56k)

*grey zone by maydaykevin

Neil’s frown deepened as he stared at the card he was holding.

'Camp Half-Blood, Half-Blood Hill, Farm Road 3.141Long Island, New York 11954’

“You’re telling me this is my only chance at survival?”

“The only one you’ve got left kid.”

A Percy Jackson/Foxhole Court AU (57k)

*to know a man by moonix

In which the Foxes all work at a coffee shop run by Wymack, Neil is their newest recruit with a dark past, Andrew is obvious, Neil is oblivious, and everyone ships it apart from Aaron, who just wants to study in peace. With guest appearance by a stuffed jellyfish called Josephine. (58k)

*claw marks by flybbfly

The Foxes are an underground resistance group in a dystopian near-future. Neil is the shady new recruit.

Part 1984, part “The Lottery,” part “The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas,” part V for Vendetta. (70k)

fear in a handful of dust by flybbfly

“I need to talk to Minyard,” Neil says, sipping at a soda. “How do I make that happen?”

Kevin chokes on his whiskey. “You don’t.”

In which Neil doesn’t have Kevin Day to convince him to play, so he becomes a sports journalist; Andrew is a keeper in more ways than one; and Quidditch is the sport du jour. Featuring a frankensteined team, eternal roommate Matt, and hawkish sports section editor Dan. Oh, and Andrew has a shady past (present? future?) that Neil can’t quite figure out. But that’s nothing new for Neil, who is constantly hiding everything about himself anyway—this time with magical abilities greasing the way. (104k)

*armies by nekojita

Upon Mary Hatford’s death, Nathaniel Wesninski makes the call to his uncle Stuart rather than continuing on the run and ending up in Milport, Nevada.Upon graduating university, Andrew Minyard turns down all offers of a professional Exy career and muddles through a 'normal’ life, until the boredom and inanity of it all wears him down and he accepts an offer of a break to spend some time with his cousin Nicky in Stuttgart, Germany.There he meets Abram Hatford, a handsome and broken young man who has more in common with Andrew than he suspects, and nothing’s normal anymore. (341k)

WIPS

sickeningly sweet (like honey) by broship_addict

Andrew Doe is twelve years old when he walks into Fox’s Sweets Shop. Somehow, he leaves with three friends and all of them are Exy-obsessed losers.

Also known as the kid AU in which the Foxes are happy children and Andrew has a crush. (22k)

*the bodyguard by bourbon

“Hello, you’ve reached the homosexual agenda, how may I help you?”

“Nicky.”, Andrew growled.

“Oh, my favorite cousin! I would ask you to join our cause but it seems you already did.”

Or where Neil hires Andrew as a bodyguard but ends up (fake) dating him instead. (43k)

*dog in the manger by Saul

It’s 1922, and rumor had it Wesninski’s son wasn’t so dead after all. A sudden upheaval crumbled the Butcher’s empire almost over-night; in his place, a scarred and terrifying man threatened to set Baltimore alight.

Four years later, Aaron Minyard receives a call from a brother he hasn’t spoken to in a decade, sweeping him into a whirlwind of corruption, homicide, and exhausted, tremulous trust. (52k)

*a hole in the world by lscar123

An accomplished FBI agent. A young runaway who is more than he appears to be. A serial killer that’s haunted both of them for years.

The City of Angels just got a lot more interesting. (132k)

doe & josten: deductionists by SpangleBangle

Andrew Doe, rude but brilliant consulting detective, thought he had no need of a partner as he worked slowly away at dismantling the largest crime family in the country, helping out with other cases on the side to relieve the tedium. That was, until a scruffy runaway with a stupid amount of secrets stumbled into his life. Or, more accurately, broke into his kitchen. (152k)

ok i’ll stop myself, i hope you find some you love!!

#andreil #fic #fic rec #aftg fic #aftg fic rec #andrew minyard #neil josten #all for the game #the foxhole court #masterpost #zoe.txt #ask #tfc #tfc fic #tfc fic rec

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setabane · 4 years ago

Text

THE QUEER YOUTH OF BOTSWANA AND THEIR SUBVERSION OF HETERONORMATIVE SOCIETAL CULTURE

Words: Cassim Cassim

Over the past decades, queer people had to bridge themselves to the real world by elevating themselves to be seen. Steadily, what once was unprecedented becomes the new norm, the introduction and awareness of sexualities, gender, pronouns and everything in between becomes the new norm, and with the help of GenZ, centennials in Botswana become advocates and instigators for what needs to be, and subvert what is imbedded in the minds of Batswana. SETABANE had the privilege to interview 8 centennials that are challenging Botswana’s society and taking it by storm.

As an Editor, it brings immense satisfaction and jubilation to realize that behind the old generation follows a generation that will carry a legacy that will have every entity equal and seen. The decision to publish this campaign comes after the chain of discern that GenZ carries most of the societal standards and culture Botswana obeys. These are the people who will lead this country into equality and queer pride.

Thebe 17, he/him, queer How do you contribute towards dismantling traditions and views against being queer in Botswana?

In Botswana, I honestly feel we have a huge problem with following what had been the norm for ages and I believe that I put great interest into expressing myself regardless of my gender, background etc. I normally present this through the art of acting, it’s my greatest passion.

Tell me your views on fem-phobia within the queer community in Botswana?

It’s a tragedy that even within our own community we bring down our own, I feel that it’s a thing of retrospecting what we have and can achieve as a community united rather than discriminating against each other. It could take us very far.

What do you think about Botswana’s gay culture?

I still think that we’re growing but what we have is beautiful and will surely blossom into something more beautiful, we’re very unique and i can’t wait till everyone in Botswana can see who exactly we are.

Leilani 16, she/her, bisexual

How is it navigating yourself as a young bisexual woman?

As a young bisexual women navigating myself as an individual is difficult because I have been told that i am confused because society is fixed on life only being one way, which therefore puts me in a situation whereby i think i’m confused or “going through a phase”. Being Bisexual has taught me to enjoy the best of both worlds and taught me to balance two different worlds.

What are your thoughts on the fetishization of bisexuality in women?

It needs to stop because being bisexual should not make you think we are your objects and you can toy around with us. The way media portrays bisexual women as confused or that we are not taken seriously but being bisexual is real and we are not toys. One thing that I personally think people lack education about Bisexuality.

What do you think Botswana’s youth has in common?

Botswana’s youth has somewhat a sense of acceptance to an extent and are free to do whatever makes them feel happy and not caring what so and so has to say.

What is your advice for a young Queer Motswana reading this? My advice to young/old queer Motswana is take your time when finding your sexuality, don’t be afraid to experiment but at the same time don’t use us as objects. If you are afraid, there is a whole community of people who have their arms open to support you and take your time.

Peaches 18, she/her, pansexual

How has your sexuality affected your way of living?

I have tried to come out to my parents before but it did not go well. My parents were considering kicking me out of the house because they wanted a "normal daughter". I had to tell them I was lying in order to keep a roof over my head. I can only be myself when I'm at school, because there, no one really cares what you do. But with my family, I have to hide who I am.

What are some of the glories and hardships being a Queer woman in Botswana?

I have not had a lot of glories but one I can mention is finally figuring out who I am, where I'm from, and where I'm headed, and coming to terms with it. Accepting myself. I feel this is the most important step, loving yourself. No one is gonna do it for you so do what makes you happy. The hardest thing for me to do was to hide my sexuality from my family. It's very scary to fear what other people think and then also have to deal with judgements from your own family. It hurts how I have to smile like I'm okay even when I'm not. For some reason, queers think they need the validation and acceptance of society in order to live freely but the truth is we don't. We submit ourselves to opinions of people we do not even need. Why? Do you think Botswana will be a battleground or a safe haven for queer people in the future? I personally think Botswana will forever be a battleground for queer people. I say this because we hate against each other within the queer community, so why would we expect outsiders to accept us if we can't do the same with each other? Also, we are forever told how "wrong" or "lost" we are for being who we are. Everyone will always be entitled to their opinion, it's either you listen to it and be miserable or just don't care and do you. Be You Do You For You

Son 17, they/them, polysexual

How does being queer and in love feel in Botswana

On one hand it can feel a bit scary as Botswana is still a bit behind on the progression towards accepting queer folk. We can never be sure that the people around us will be natural and calm rather than be queer-phobic and violent. it doesn’t always feel safe to physically express this love in public. However, when we are in a safe space, expressing our love for each-other comes easily.

What are your experiences living outside of the Binary?

Honestly, hardly any different from when I thought I did fit into the binary. I do not feel any connection to the binary in regards to my gender identity, and never have, so putting a label on what I feel didn't really change much aside from allowing myself to achieve deeper self understanding. The way the people around me perceived me barely changed either. I'm used to people making assumptions about my gender identity based on my gender presentation, and while I'm glad I haven't encountered any blatant transphobes, people’s assumptions do sometimes make me feel uncomfortable.

Who are some of your inspirations and role models?

BTS, artists who are unafraid to talk about social issues, equality, injustice and self love, Amandla Stenberg, who played a huge role in the discovery of my gender identity, and a poet I came across recently who goes by the pen name tireless_hope, whose work i’m simply in love with. They’re all young artists who have achieved so much but still show so much humanness within them. They don't try to appeal to what people expect of them but rather what they want for themselves, and consuming these people’s art always fills me with a zeal for life

What do you think about the erasure of non-binary people?

In a way it hurts, to exist in a society that treats us like we are invisible and refuses to let us voice out on matters regarding our identities and trans identities in general because we are supposedly non-existent. It’s upsetting that identities that have always been around are getting passed off as “strange”, “new” and even “non-existent” by cis-het people, and even some LGBTQ+ folk. It’s especially upsetting to me when POC take part in non-binary erasure because it is based heavily in eurocentrism and only benefits the oppressor. Hopefully with the spread of knowledge people will open their minds and educate themselves to prevent this from happening.

Bynx 17, he/they, panromantic grey-asexual

What are your thoughts on the gender binary?

Personally, I think a strict gender binary isn't really necessary. I can understand when people say it's needed in terms of the medical field - but again, that's not much help when women constantly go without getting adequate medical treatment because of gender discrimination but that's a whole other can of worms to open. i feel like a lot of people forget the gender binary was only really brought on after colonialism. there's a lot of sources that confirm that many African tribes as well as Native American ones believed in other-gender and two-spirit people, and its sad to see when people from these cultures talk about going back to their roots or preserving culture yet they want to erase the existence of queer people. even when people hear things being said like 'gender is a social construct', they think we're just trying to push an agenda - but do they really understand what a social construct is? not too long ago, i saw this post from Tumblr user biggest-gaudiest-patronuses where they talked about how a social construct really just means it's something that the big people in charge can move around and change to suit their own preferences and beliefs and ignore the communities that these constructs are actively causing problems for. people are just scared of change when it comes to things like this, they see it as a threat to their comfort but with our change and without moving out of your comfort zone, how will you ever achieve growth? People who live outside the binary just want to be their authentic selves and be accepted and people shouldn't be threatened by that.

What is your experience being a trans-masc person in Botswana?

So far I haven't really encountered any problems bringing a trans-masc person in Botswana and I think that's mostly related to how accepting the people immediately closest to me are as well as how comfortable I am in my own identity. i get misgendered quite frequently but being misgendered by strangers doesn't bother me at all because i know how they perceive me doesn't matter because they don't know me. i notice when people close to me misgender me but it's not something that'll bother me because i know it's still a learning process for them and they're always considerate enough to correct themselves afterwards, it's also not something that bothers me because i know that they're aware of my identity and they'll respect it. it can become a bit of a tough spot when it comes to people that im not close to but acquainted with because i don't really care much for their personal opinions since they aren't closely related to my life but it still flares up some gender dysphoria when they continue to use my deadname or refer to me as she/her - which is usually pronouns im only really comfortable with close people calling me by - and i guess it bothers me because they're aware of who i am and they've directly asked people close to me about my name and such yet they continue to misgender me and i feel really disrespected by it. i'm not very concerned with passing since i already know who i am but sometimes the fear of being outed does worry me in terms of my actual physical safety because i know there's people who react violently to trans people - on the opposite side of the coin, there are days i do wish i was passing and it's usually when im out in public and it's just my partner and i and we have to take things like public transport because my biggest fear is always putting my partner in danger because there's usually no avoiding being perceived as an lgbtqia+ couple which can end up putting a target on us. i will admit though that i wish Botswana did allow medical transitioning here because then it'd make a lot of things accessible to many trans people in the country as they wouldn't have to go elsewhere for hrt and surgery - like currently i have to save upward of P100 000 just for top surgery alone without including travel costs, hrt and doctor appointments fees which is a major obstacle for not only me but other people who don't have the type of income to support that either.

Who are some of the queer trans artists you look up to?

i'll be honest, i don't really know a lot of queer/trans artists since i don't consume a lot of big media 💀 i might know and admire some but since i don't really consume a lot of their content, i can't really confidently say im a huge fan. though there are very few that i do look up to they're mostly YouTubers since that's where i spend a lot of my time. in terms of queer actors though, id say Sir Ian McKellen is probably my biggest inspiration not only because of the big roles he's played while being an openly gay man but also because of the actions he's taken to support the queer and theater communities (theater being something else that im very passionate about). with trans YouTubers; Jammidodger(transguy), Ash Hardell(trans-enby) and Samantha Lux(transgirl) have been a huge help in my personal journey in finding out more about my identity and myself as well as just being really fun YouTubers to watch. i really liked hearing out their experiences as trans/enby people and seeing the advice they had to give to other people in terms of not only surgery and hrt but with things like dressing and tips on coming out. i hope to share my experience and help other genderqueer people out the same way they did for me. one more person i look up to is someone id be bold enough to call my friend. they're an lgbtqia+ and trans rights activist in Botswana and they usually go my Phio or Blu for the time period ive known them and they've probably been one of the biggest helps in my personal journey. they were the first trans/genderqueer person id ever met back when i first started questioning my identity and i talked a lot with them about how i was feeling and trying to get comfortable with myself and they've always been there to listen, even helping me out with getting my first chest binder and they even give me tips about buying guys clothes and offering help for recommended places to go when i start transitioning. i even remember a time when they were a guest speaker on one of our local radio stations and while i couldn't tune in because i had drama practice, i remember being so excited because i felt that finally the voices of queer people were getting more recognized. I’m really glad that i have the opportunity to know them and talk to them and all the support they've extended to me is something i hope to be able to give to other queer youth that will flower after me.

Do you think Botswana is going to be led by pioneers such as yourself soon into a better future soon?

i'm not too well-versed on things like current affairs so i won't say much on this but a lot of change and acceptance has to happen in terms of the older generation and things like following tradition but i do believe that we might see a lot of change in the future. while it might take us a while to get to the point of queer people being elected into government positions, i believe our voices are starting to be heard. Just because decriminalization has happened doesn't mean it's time for us to relax, it's time for us to push for more change, we'll make strides together as a community.

What is your advice for a young queer Motswana reading this?

honestly guys, don't rush yourselves. take things one step at a time. it's okay to not know your identity, it's okay for it to change, it's okay to question who you are. even if you don't manage to figure out what your identity is, it's still okay. just love whoever you want to love and love how you want to live. as long as it's not hurting you or others, it's all valid. keep your chin up. I know it can be tough. but believe me, there's always gonna be people out there that love you for who you are and that's all that really matters.

Wapula 17, she/they, pansexual

Do you think Batswana are more inclusive of pansexuality?

I guess people aren’t as educated about pansexuality as much, there are so many misconceptions about being pansexual.

“Do pansexuals feel sexually attracted to animals”

“Are pansexuals normally in polygamous marriages” & so much more, I guess these questions come from the fact that as a pansexual we’re more attracted to the person, not their gender or sexuality, so people would instantly think we prefer to be in polygamous marriages, you know?

How do you navigate your life as a pansexual person in Botswana?

It’s extremely rare to find a pansexual in Botswana, so I wound by say it’s a lifestyle you know, I’ve always been one person that’s open about my sexuality & I’ve never felt the need to “come out”, of course there’s a lot of homophobia but it doesn’t affect me as much as it affects other queer individuals & that’s simply because I’ve just always been open about it you know?

Do you believe in gender?

I just think gender is a mindset, the thought of having to separate humanity based on our biological features is just stupid to me, the creation of “gender” is what leads to so many problems that we face as humanity today... being sexism & GBV & so many issues. People confuse gender & sexuality. Sexuality is broad, gender is just a mindset that is used to separate us based on our biological features.

Loago 16, she/her, demisexual

When did you first embrace the concept of demisexuality? And is it inclusive to anyone?

I first embraced the concept of demisexuality after seeing my best friends being able to grow out of their shell and be comfortable with their true self, with no fear of being judged. It was an inspiring thing for me because I don’t talk about my sexuality as much and I’ve received comments from straight guys that my sexuality is simply me trying to fit in with the crowd...most people confuse demisexuality for being bisexual but there’s a difference...I only see someone and I mean in the spiritual and emotional sense if i have an emotional connection with them, I don’t find people attractive unless i get a glimpse of their inner self and i connect with them on that level. I also do feel that maybe the trauma I’ve experienced has influenced this because it made me realize the importance of knowing and seeing someone behind all the masks they portray to the outside world and connecting with them spiritually when pursuing a relationship with them...

What do you think about the love scenes in Botswana’s youth scene?

I think majority of youth is lost when it comes to the perception of love I also blame tradition because the sad truth is that most of us come from dysfunctional or rather ‘special’ families and this is where we see a lot of abuse be it coming from the man or woman and especially in this country we have normalized this vicious cycle of ‘special’ families and it’s contributed to how a lot of us perceive love, we tell ourselves that in order for us to believe that we are loved or we love someone we must’ve put them through something or they must’ve put us through something because the impression most of us have , having seen our parents or relatives do this... and unfortunately unlike now in today’s world back in the day it was some what a taboo to end your marriage or ‘break’ your family that you’ve built with someone and hence why most marriages even despite the abuse still exist. I believe this is what influences the youth love scenes in Botswana, to undo this I believe we need to stop we need to stop cheating I love marriage sexuality as a taboo in this country, parents need to start having conversations with their children to help them understand what genuine love is and that love between heterosexual people and queer people is no different and we are all deserving of genuine love.

Kago 19, he/they, bisexual

What’s one thing your generation has in common?

I really believe my generation right now is a very liberated one and connected one. We really are about community and uplifting each other. We are together in these safe spaces, uplifting each other and respecting each other for who we really are uno.

Do you attach your sexuality to what you love doing?

Not actively, but when I get to working I'd like to think I work out of a unique place where my identity comes out as a product of that. So my sexuality does subconsciously become a part of my work.

How do you feel about bi-erasure and pan-erasure in men?

It's a frustrating struggle to be continuously fighting. Especially when the erasure comes from within the LGBTQ+ community. You start to ask yourself where you can feel safe if not in your own community uno.

Do you think you fully express your sexuality to others?

Fully? Not yet. Well probably not actively, but I know surely you must know my sexuality after a few conversations with me. It's a part of me that can not escape me so it is at the front line of my social interactions.

What contributed to helping you understand your sexuality?

Growing up around very open-minded people. This gave me the freedom to, once i started realizing i was bisexual, be comfortable to ask questions about it and be as curious as i needed until i realized that hell yeah i am bisexual uno.

Credits:

Editor: @cxsside

Art Director: @cxsside & @bbypumpkiiiin_

Models : @thebes.world @[email protected] @[email protected]@wapsworldwide @archhangel

Stylists + Wardrobe:@archhangel @_glotto @unearthlygofaone @bluuu.rraine_

Photographers:@vandeaarde @vandeaarde.gallery@wenz_hd

#BotswanaQueerYouth

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anneapocalypse · 7 years ago

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On the Slow Collapse of Season 15′s Narrative

or, Anne’s Big Fat RvB15 Meta Post

Strap in, pals, this is gonna be a long one.

Let’s get the disclaimers out of the way first! These are, as always, my personal and subjective opinions. Some of these opinions are critical. If you are not interested in hearing any criticism of Red vs. Blue, you should probably just stop reading here. If you loved season 15 and feel it was without flaw, I am happy for you and I’m not trying to ruin your day. If you think this is going to upset you, this is your chance to be on your way. That said, I’m always up for friendly discussion and you are welcome to disagree with me as long as you’re civil and come prepared to defend your assertions.

Needless to say, this post contains spoilers for the entire season.

I also need to give the biggest shout-out to @tuckerfuckingdidit--it is impossible to quantify how much meta we’ve shot back and forth during the season, how many concepts I’ve talked through with her and how much those conversations have fed my inspiration and my desire to actually get this beast completed, so my hugest thanks to red for going deep into RvB with me and generally being an awesome pal. <3

Red vs. Blue’s season 15 starts off very strong. In fact, in my opinion the first five episodes are the strongest in the season, and with that setup, I found myself taking a very optimistic view of the season even as the cracks in the writing began to show later on. I still enjoyed watching, and withheld an overall judgment until the season was complete. Now that it is, I’ve had the chance to rewatch it start to finish and think about the progression of this season as a whole, as a complete narrative arc.

What I want to explore here is this: where, why, and how does season 15 go off the rails? Why is the writing so much weaker in the back half, where does the narrative fall apart, and perhaps most importantly to me as a writer, how could some of these problems have been avoided?

Season 15’s narrative has some problems. One thing that’s interesting to me is that they’re different problems than we’ve seen before with this series, particularly in the last two major arcs, the Chorus Trilogy and Project Freelancer. Both of those arcs suffer from pacing issues in their first season that put a tremendous amount of pressure on their ending season to hammer through necessary plot points and tie up loose ends. In Freelancer, this is a problem of putting all the focus on animated fight sequences and putting almost no exposition in season 9, making season 10 a messy and rushed string of poorly-planted payoffs and numerous continuity issues. In the Chorus Trilogy, the plot effectively doesn’t arrive until the end of the first season, which results in a third season that could easily be two, and ends up dropping some compelling plot threads without resolution. I would put forth that the closing season of both arcs is technically the strongest, but mostly because there’s no time left to meander and the plot has no choice but to move.

By contrast, season 15 starts out extremely well-paced, which gave me high hopes for what it would deliver later. What could be considered the first act of season 15, the first five episodes, are very tightly-written, and it’s not until the second act that the cracks start to show. You could easily argue that this is simply because season 15 is a one-season arc; there’s no time for a meandering first act, so the season needs to open strong, and that may well be true. But this doesn’t explain why the narrative begins to weaken in the second act, why certain plot points feel a bit forced, and why the climax itself lacks tension.

Hitting the Ground Running

I love episode 1. I love it. As a cold open to a brand new story arc with brand new characters, it’s fantastic. The dialogue is quick, witty, and engaging. Characters with under two minutes of screentime capture my heart instantly. The theme of “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction” is introduced through an apparently-insignificant piece of dialogue. Our villains are introduced, shrouded in mystery, their disparate weapons subtly highlighted for the audience to begin unpacking immediately. Though we do not yet know whether we’ve seen our Reds and Blues, they are a constant topic of conversation, reassuring viewers that this story is very much centered around our old favorites.

Dylan Andrews’ reporting serves as a vehicle for exposition that doesn’t feel shoehorned; her conversation with Carlos is also informative as well as highly entertaining. Her creative thinking and tenacity for a story make her an instant favorite.

Honestly, it’s a near-flawless premier. Tightly-written, surprising, engaging, with a balance of humor and drama, it sets the tone for a very promising story.

Dylan herself is a strong character. She’s highly motivated--just enough to be flawed, not enough to be unsympathetic. She serves as a very effective audience proxy, hunting down the plot and letting us see it unfold through her eyes, while at the same time getting a solid amount of characterization in her own right. “The Chronicle” shows her professionalism but also her low tolerance for bullshit and occasionally short temper; “Mother of Destruction” establishes her adeptness in combat situations; “Chorus Lessons” shows that her tenacity for a story may turn unscrupulous in a pinch.

The next three episodes follow Dylan as she attempts to track down the Reds and Blues, and the fifth relates their adventures between the end of the Chorus trilogy and the present day. I wrote early on about these episodes being good television, in that each one functions well as a mini-arc in which our POV character has a problem to solve, and solves it via some creative solution, leading into the next episode’s problem, all of which chain together effectively to further the main arc. Everything I said in that post is still true and I stand behind it. Those episodes are tightly-written, well-paced, and compelling. Each small reveal is really Dylan giving voice to what the audience is already figuring out, and that makes the audience feel both engaged and satisfied.

“Previously On” isn’t a perfect episode, but in terms of character writing, it contains some of my favorite in this season, biases fully acknowledged--I love the development Carolina gets as she’s finally allowed to interact directly with the Reds and Blues and show that she’s a part of the family, rather than just saying so. “Reacts,” the episode that follows, stays relatively strong as well, with a serious twist of character development for Grif and solid relationship development for Wash and Tucker.

This is as good a point as any to mention that this season hasn’t been without its share of cringey jokes, and those early episodes are no exception (“bi phase,” the whole Temple of Procreation business, and the Grimmons, oh the Grimmons, we’ll get to you eventually), but as they’ve all been pretty thoroughly discussed and deconstructed during the season, I’m not going to focus heavily on them here. That’s not to say they don’t matter. But for the purposes of this post, I’m primarily concerned with the structural issues of season 15--the things that really can only be examined effectively in big-picture mode.

Those early episode aren’t without hiccups in character writing either--Andersmith’s writing in “Chorus Lessons” is more baffling than anything, and the goofiness of his lines would make much more sense coming from a character like Palomo. But that scene is only a cameo, and as such, it doesn’t ramify very far and it doesn’t distract from the simply flawless execution of Dr. Grey or the pleasure of seeing Kimball in her new role as President.

Plot-wise, the single major flaw in these first five episodes is the introduction of the red herring that comes to a head in episode 7.

The Red Herring

The pattern of tightly self-contained episodes continues through episode 7, “Nightmare on Planet Evil.” It’s tonally a bit different from the rest of the season, but it works well enough.

There’s good character writing here. Caboose’s faith in Church’s eventual return, Simmons’ fixating on Grif while trying not to, Tucker’s protectiveness of his friends, Sarge’s paranoia.

Then we get… this guy.

Things that were completely unnecessary in Season 15:

Spencer Porkinsenson

This character was introduced five episodes ago. His presence has been looming for a solid quarter of the season.

And he means nothing.

I can come up with better “You’ve been served,” jokes that don’t exist solely to reflect poorly on Tucker, but it seems pointless because there’s no reason for Spencer to exist at all. There’s no need to mirror Locus’s looming presence in season 11 just for a fakeout. There’s no need to have him save Dylan and Jax in “Mother of Destruction”--we know Dylan is no stranger to working in combat zones, let her figure out a clever way to sneak them back to the ship. Jax can just as easily serve as the sounding board for Dylan’s explanation as to why the Blues and Reds are imposters. “Planet Evil” could instead expand on the hint dropped with Sarge and his ominous “reflection” in the window, suggesting that the Reds and Blues are being tailed by their doppelgangers.

There’s plenty of ways this could’ve gone. But Spencer is a wasted build of tension that doesn’t pay off for the plot. He doesn’t even have any follow-up appearances in this season, making him a completely meaningless misdirection.

This is the first sign of the plot shooting itself in the foot. In hindsight, it really is the beginning of the downturn.

A Fistful of Retcons

Episode 8 is where the main plot starts to fall apart.

The Blues and Reds (henceforth, B&R) being carbon copies of the Reds and Blues, then later turning out to be a prototype of sorts, really doesn’t hold up to much scrutiny. And it could have held up better, with a few small changes. Surge shouldn’t be a Colonel. Lorenzo shouldn’t exist, since the robot kit was a nonstandard issue given to Blood Gulch specifically because Alpha was there.

I won’t say this conceit could’ve been done perfectly--it still changes the context of a big part of the show’s history in a way that is incredibly risky for a new writer to attempt. But it could’ve been done better. More thought could’ve been put into what a prototype for Blood Gulch’s personality archetypes would actually look like, taking into account that not every event in the Blood Gulch Chronicles could’ve been predicted by the Counselor’s profiling. The death of Captain Flowers, the destruction of Church’s initial body by Caboose, Caboose’s brain damage from Omega, these and arguably other events are potential wildcards that change the course of these characters’ development. The pre-existing relationship between Temple and Biff, too, would’ve been impossible to replicate in Blood Gulch since Temple has no true analog, and that relationship is arguably a big reason for the ongoing stalemate between the outposts. Captain Flowers has no analog and his very presence is therefore an unaccounted-for variable (unless he is actually the analog for Temple, which I thought would’ve been fascinating but was not explored). What would a prototype simulation outpost actually look like if you were to reverse-engineer it from Blood Gulch, taking into account all these variables?

When a concept like this is used as a one-off gag, Rule of Funny can trump logic and internal consistency without doing too much damage. As a season-long conceit, though, the logic needs to hold up, and it simply doesn’t.

I think on some level Joe realized this, because he doesn’t let the Red and Blues actually converse with their mirrors for very long before throwing them into combat, as if to distract both us and our heroes from asking too many questions. But even the fight scene raises further questions. Surge is a Colonel but we don’t know how or why and it’s never explained. He’s taking orders from a Blue he outranks, and this too is never explained.

That Yorkalina Washlina Yorkalina Thing

Anyway here’s Wonderwall Wash and Carolina holding hands on a beach.

Okay, let me back up. (Also, warning for a critical view of canon York/Carolina in this section.)

Illinois is an interesting addition to the cast. One thing I really like about this season is the way it cracks the Freelancer Program open a bit wider than seasons 9 and 10 managed to do, showing us that there were lower-level agents, other squads, etc. That I appreciate, because it helps to rectify the claustrophobic feeling of what we know in theory was a larger program but which onscreen never showed us much more than the ten characters who were already named. I like it. Y’know. Better late than never.

However. This is nitpicky, but putting Illinois in a photograph full of other top squad agents feels shoehorned. What would work much better is to see Carolina and York surrounded by several other unfamiliar agents. Thus, it would feel less like inserting a character into this group who clearly was not there before, and more like showing us a different group altogether, with some overlap. Hell, it would even work to just put York in the picture, since Illinois is said to have been his drinking buddy, while Carolina admits to not having known him well and seems unlikely to have been palling around with agents not on her level.

But then we couldn’t have an anecdote about York invading Carolina’s personal space that we’re supposed to find cute, now could we.

Which brings me to… this conversation.

As a Carolina fan who’s long had an interest in her relationship with Wash, I’ve been waiting for them to have an actual talk since season 10 ended, and by the end of season 13, I’d just resigned myself to the fact that it was never going to happen--that a cooperative fight scene was about the best I could hope for. So when I saw Carolina and Wash alone on that beach, you better believe I perked up.

To say that this scene sent viewers some… mixed signals is an understatement. The opening motif of “Carolina in the Morning” immediately evokes memories of her relationship with York; later, the scene lingers on the image of Carolina and Wash holding hands while staring into the sunrise, right after Wash prevents her from throwing York’s lighter into the water. Followed by a gag in which Wash seemingly-obliviously asks Carolina to take her armor off so that he can reactivate her Recovery beacon.

(Nitpick: by all established canon, the Recovery beacons don’t activate unless an agent is dead or dying. That’s why nobody catches up with the rogue agents like the Dakotas and York and Tex until they start dying. Further nitpick: if they do allow for the tracking of an uninjured agent, then the idea that Carolina needed Wash to deactivate her beacon is pretty silly, given that she was missing and presumably in hiding for years such that Wash himself, a Recovery agent, believed she was dead. She would have had to find a way to deactivate her own beacon not long after her disappearance simply to stay hidden.)

I genuinely have no idea what Joe was trying to convey with the hand-holding. If it didn’t mean anything in particular, he sure did slam the panic button in the fandom for nothing. My feelings about Washlina are irrelevant here--I have no issue with the ship, and in fact enjoy many fan portrayals of it. But we certainly could’ve lived without the explosion of ship hate and pained discourse it sparked in the fandom, and I know some shippers who can say the same. Rarely do I have any desire to see my RvB ships made canon, including my most beloved ones; given the criticisms I do have of some existing canon ships, I would much rather be left to the freedom of my imagination than saddled with a portrayal that will then color every fan interpretation, for better or for worse.

And in hindsight, this mixed message feels like another red herring, a distraction from the more compelling questions about the direction of the plot at this critical midseason point.

But what I am really interested in unpacking is the content of their conversation.

Things that were completely unnecessary in Season 15:

Spencer Porkinsenson

A conversation about York

Shipping biases fully acknowledged, what purpose did the subject of York, specifically, serve to a) the plot, b) Carolina or Wash’s relationship development, or c) their characterization individually?

As far as I can see it served no purpose to the plot. Nothing from this point forward has anything to do with York. Nor does it particularly serve Wash and Carolina’s relationship development, since their brief moment of closeness is dropped and never raised again. The idea of fresh starts is raised, first by Illinois’ seemingly idyllic post-Project life, and subsequently by Carolina’s regrets about York, which, fine--but as I wrote after this episode aired, it seems very late in Carolina’s story arc for her to be questioning her the prospect of starting over when she’s already done that. In season 13, she calls the Reds and Blues her family, and in episode 5 she certainly behaves like she’s come to believe that. So to question whether a fresh start is possible seems completely out of place in the timeline here, when she’s very clearly already had one, and has finally begun to truly embrace it.

The sole point that conversation raises that has any later relevance is Carolina’s desire for non-lethality. And that’s… well, let’s put a pin in that. What’s noteworthy for now is that this still has nothing specifically to do with York, only with Carolina’s self-image, past and present.

You know who would’ve been a very compelling topic of conversation for Carolina and Wash--relevant to the plot, to their relationship, to each of them individually?

Epsilon. You know, Church? Carolina’s brother figure whom she lost less than a year ago and is still mourning? With whom Wash has a painful and complicated history that they have never talked about despite Carolina teaming up with him for the entirety of the Chorus trilogy? The thing that just spurred them all to action in the first place?

Carolina and Wash are years overdue for a talk about Epsilon. It practically writes itself. And instead we get a conversation about York, who in terms of this season is relevant to basically nothing.

This is one of those scenes that I can only guess was written not for plot relevance, not for character development, but for maximum Feels™, and as such, it not only feels out of place, but misses the opportunity for much more pertinent conversation.

This is not the only instance of For the Feels™ writing this season, nor is it the most egregious, cheap, or manipulative, so put a pin in that, too.

The Game Was Rigged From the Start

Instead of debating whether or not Tucker’s writing was out of character this season (you can make a strong argument either way), let me ask instead: how much more interesting would our villain be if Tucker’s trust was harder-won? How much more interesting would Tucker be this season if we didn’t have to come up with reasons why he is behaving so impulsively, why he is so susceptible to a stranger’s flattery? Other fans have raised the point of Tucker’s experiences on Chorus, but I’ll even go back further: Tucker was stranded alone in the desert for months fending off Fake CT and his goons, probably after initially believing Fake CT’s story about who he was. Felix was by no means Tucker’s first lesson in not trusting strangers. Yes, Tucker is grieving. Yes, he is vulnerable. But what if we got to see his vulnerability manifest differently--in pulling close to his remaining little family and distrusting outsiders who presume to know him and what he’s been through? How much more interesting does that make this season and his whole arc within it?

The problem is, that can’t happen, because The Plot won’t let it--and not just for Tucker.

The Reds and Blues are very scattered during this season. Their behavior while at Temple’s base is such a far cry from the unified front they displayed at the end of season 13. Again, you can come up with reasons for this: the doppelgangers have them rattled, they all got sick of each other on the moon due to boredom, etc. But these people are no stranger to living in close proximity, to standing around talking. The moon seems to have provided a lot more entertainment than some of their quieter times in Blood Gulch or Valhalla, and in fact they do seem to be having fun in a lot of those flashbacks--the rock band, for example, and the water park before its untimely demise--so I’m not sure that argument really holds up.

Grif’s decision to break with the group works because it’s sold well--because it makes use of what we already know of Grif’s character, and it plants compelling tension between him and the others, especially Simmons. Doc’s loyalty to the B&R could work, but it lacks follow-up when he switches side so easily at the end. Sarge’s turn is propped up by his need for a fight, but it’s a weak premise when he clearly has a fight on his hands either way.

And it’s only because Sarge and Doc side with Temple that Tucker and his remaining companions are outnumbered and forced to flee rather than fight. They then spend the next two episodes sitting in a cell, waiting for someone else to come rescue them.

Why does this happen? Why shouldn’t they hold their own against the Blues and Reds? Tucker is right on that account: these enemies are no match for them. They fought much deadlier enemies on Chorus. They survived what could have been a devastating last stand on Hargrove’s ship, and they did so with total unit integrity, so what is this?

Their team cohesion really doesn’t return until episode 20, when they finally begin to function like the team we’ve seen before, because The Plot is finally allowing them to do so.

And that’s just the problem: too many things this season happen just because the writer wants them to. There is a checklist of events that need to happen, so the characters are written to make them happen. And in a character-driven universe like RvB, when the characters aren’t driving the plot, but the reverse, we notice. This happened in Freelancer, too, particularly in season 10. Events happen just because they have to, not because they’re consistent with what spotty development we’ve been given for these characters.

It's not that these actions can't be explained. You can come up with an in-world explanation for just about anything if you're creative. The problem isn’t that the any of these characters are blatantly and obviously out of character. The problem is that the plot is driving the characters’ actions rather than the other way around. Tucker and the Reds and Blues are not allowed to demonstrate the full range of strengths their thirteen years of character development have given them, because their enemy is just not that smart or creative, and his team is just not as strong as the Reds and Blues should be.

Your villain has to be a match for your hero in order for the story to be interesting. And the problem with Temple is, he’s not. He’s the kind of villain who might’ve been a match for the Reds and Blues pre-Chorus, but not now. They’ve just been through so much that he and his team haven’t--which is, again, a big part of why the doppelganger conceit feels so off at this point in the timeline. B&R shouldn’t be so like the Reds and Blues, they shouldn’t be on their level unless they’ve been put through their own crucible comparable to what the Reds and Blues have experienced. But we just don’t have any evidence that they have.

So Tucker’s competence and cleverness has to be dialed back, the Reds and Blues have to splinter with no real explanation. Like season 12 allowing Felix to stab Carolina in the leg, this feels like a nerfing, only more subtle, and an emotional one instead of a physical one.

Tucker and Caboose, in particular, appear highly motivated when they first spring into action upon hearing Church’s message, but once they find the B&R, too much time goes by in which Temple is clearly stalling them, and yet they do not press for more information or for quicker action. Tucker is only allowed to entertain a hint of skepticism at Dylan’s prompting, so that she can move the plot forward. His motivation, and that of the Reds and Blues as a whole, wanes because the plot needs it to, and with it goes the tension. Our core characters are not driving the plot, but being driven by it, and that weakens both the characters and the story.

Which brings us to…

The Accidental Protagonist and the POV Problem

So, this is where we come back to Dylan’s role as audience proxy, and where it starts doing the story more harm than good.

Dylan is a compelling character this season not just because she has good dialogue or because she is sympathetic, but because she is highly motivated and her motivation largely drives the story, to the point that I would argue really, she’s the protagonist. Most of this wouldn’t even have happened if Dylan hadn’t hunted down the Reds and Blues on their vacation moon and dragged them kicking and screaming into the plot. And it’s her investigation into Temple that creates the tension to move us forward to endgame once Carolina and Wash are trapped in armor lock. This is lampshaded by Jax making a comment about driving the plot forward.

But Jax shouldn’t be the one driving the plot forward, and neither should Dylan at this point. It should be the Reds and Blues. This should be their story. But it isn’t. It’s not framed that way.

If Dylan is the audience proxy, then Jax is the author proxy, literally Joe’s voice in his own story. As such, Jax’s constant fourth-wall breaking allows Joe to lampshade the weaknesses of his own writing without actually fixing them. There’s only so many times this technique is cute. (Twice is probably the upper limit.) I actually like a lot of fourth-wall breaking jokes in and of themselves--there’s a long tradition of that sort of thing in RvB (“We’re out of parts because we overused that joke!”) and it’s one I’m rather fond of, though your mileage may vary. Cumulatively, though, this constant lampshading doesn’t so much weaken the narrative as highlight its existing weaknesses, which I think is why so many fans so quickly grew annoyed with Jax. While I like him as a character in-world, I certainly understand why many don’t.

Initially, Dylan’s role works very effectively. She needs to know more than our heroes in the beginning, because her role in the plot is to deliver them their quest. This changes once the Reds and Blues reclaim their active, onscreen role in the story. Dylan and Jax take a backseat for a bit, and rightly so. But in the two-episode flashback “Blue vs. Red,” Dylan reassumes her role as the POV character, and unlike before, this now creates a glaring problem that is never solved or even addressed.

Temple monologues his Tragic Backstory at Dylan and Jax only. Right away, this is a problem. It’s clear that Temple wants to be heard, wants his grievances aired, but generally, villains like this want the people they’re hurting to know why they’re being hurt. And yet Temple doesn’t tell Carolina and Wash, only commenting on how he feared she would recognize him. Of course, Joe doesn’t want to reveal Temple’s true identity in episode 10; he wants to keep something back to create tension, but there are other ways Temple’s monologue could’ve been addressed to the people it was actually for.

As it stands, our reporters are the only people who ever heard Temple’s story… because Dylan is the protagonist of this season, and the resolution to it is Dylan getting her story, not Carolina and Wash understanding why they were put through this hell. The season ends with Carolina presumably never knowing what Temple’s grudge against her even was. We get a satisfactory conclusion for Dylan, but not for the core characters we love, and this is a massive oversight.

There’s another problem with Temple’s Tragic Backstory as told to Dylan, and that’s the problem of whose point-of-view is framing the story as we see it. It should be Temple, and thus we should only see what Temple would himself have seen and known about… except the two opening scenes in episode 13 are impossible for Temple to have seen. I hate to say they shouldn’t be there at all, because in truth they are my favorite parts of the flashback and I think the most effective. The sim base fight itself is critically lacking in the animation department, the dialogue is much more hackneyed at points. Most importantly, the reminder of the Director’s manipulation and the intense pressure Carolina is under offers some context for her actions.

But the fight scene itself almost requires the assumption of an unreliable narrator to smooth over some of its more noticeable, uh, gaffs (to say nothing of the music gag, and the absence of these characters’ well-established fighting styles, which other fans have broken down better than I can). Carolina’s aggressive and hypercompetitive attitude, in and of itself, is not necessarily out of character for her at this canon point. It’s her over-the-top callousness at Biff’s gruesome death that really doesn’t sit right with a lot of fans. This on top of the fact that the death itself makes no sense--not Tex’s decision to throw the flag when all she had to do was hang onto it to win, nor whatever outrageous concept of physics allows a wooden pole to penetrate the armor’s breastplate, even at a weak point.

Oh, It’s You

Things that were completely unnecessary in Season 15:

Spencer Porkinsenson

A conversation about York

Locus

I have no objection to Locus having a cameo in and of itself. In fact, I’d be sort of disappointed if he didn’t show up again sooner or later, given the way his Chorus arc ended.

My problem with Locus being in this season isn’t that he’s here, it’s that this kind of cameo should feel necessary. Everything Locus did could’ve been done by someone else. There’s no reason he needs to be the intermediary who stumbles across Lopez and then seeks out Grif; Lopez could’ve crash-landed back on the moon himself, and in fact it would’ve been a great opportunity to give Grif’s newfound Spanish skills a practical application. Grif can’t undertake a rescue mission all by himself? Why not reunite him with his sister now, and let some wacky Grif sibling hijinks ensue?

What about Wash being rushed to the hospital? Gosh, who do we know with a fast prowler, knowledge of the location of the nearest hospital, and the press credentials to get past the First Fleet blockade surrounding Chorus? I can’t quite think of it, but I’m sure it’ll come to me.

The worst thing about Locus’s part in this season is it ends up being most of the reason that Tucker can’t be suspicious, that the Reds and Blues can’t stand together against their enemies. They have to crumble and be overpowered so they can sit around waiting for Locus to come save them.

This should be their story. But again… it’s not.

As for Locus freeing Wash and Carolina from the armor lock, that was one of the most disappointing non-payoffs of the season for me. Caboose’s immunity to armor lock is well-established and even planted by Temple dropping the number 8.11 (the episode in which Caboose’s special helmet is mentioned). It is unfathomable to me that this setup was wasted, instead delivered in a scene where it wasn’t allowed to actually change anything and thus had no payoff. Again, this writes itself.

Okay, but how does it write itself, Anne?

I’m so glad you asked. So. You can actually fix the Caboose Problem and the Monologue Problem in one fell swoop. For this concept we need Freckles to still be a rifle, which doesn’t really mess up anything else this season so let’s roll with it. Caboose is looking for the bathroom and wanders down into the basement, finds Carolina and Wash. Cue joke about Caboose thinking they’re playing a game. Since Tucker really should be in this scene too, let’s have him be snooping around for more information (because he’s suspicious!) and follow Caboose down. Unlike Caboose, Tucker actually recognizes this situation as Bad News Bears, but before he can figure out how to release the Freelancers, Temple catches him. Temple hits his armor lock button, thinking he’s locked them both.

Here, you put Temple’s lines about how they’re doing the right thing, and the Reds and Blues should be on his side. Then he monologues, letting all of Blue Team hear his Tragic Backstory, minus the parts he wouldn’t have actually seen. When he’s finished, Caboose tells him he loses the Quiet Game, revealing that he’s been unlocked the whole time and was only keeping still because he thought it was a game. Thinking quickly, Temple tries to convince Caboose to join him.

Caboose is uncertain and maybe expresses sympathy for Temple losing his best friend, because he understands that concept, but he does not think that is a good reason to be mean to other people. At which point Wash speaks up, weakly: “Caboose… listen to me very carefully. I want you to help him. You should help him.”

“Okay, Agent Washington!” says Caboose cheerfully, and helps Temple in the manner to which he is accustomed: he shoots him. Recognizing Temple as a hostile target, Freckles fires actual bullets, and Temple goes down.

Meanwhile, you can have Red Team getting up to some shenanigans with the rest of B&R upstairs. Maybe Sarge pushes the rank question with Surge, maybe Simmons gets fed up with Gene and they get into a fight that escalates, maybe Cronut lets something slip to Donut in his zest for philosophical discourse. Your pick, really.

Later, when Carolina and Wash have a moment to breathe, that’s when Wash asks, hesitantly, “So, that story… did that really happen?”

Carolina’s silent for a moment, then replies, “It wasn’t like that. I mean, it was, but…” And now we get the framing through Carolina’s eyes. The flashback to the bridge, the dropship with Niner. We don’t have to see the whole fight scene again, just a few critical moments that frame the incident differently, toning down the moments of really over-the-top callousness. Temple is framed as an unreliable narrator (something that Joe has, baffling, stated outright was not his intention), and Carolina gets to tell her side of the story.

The Invisible Clock

All that aside, the armor lock was a pretty creative, and gruesome, story device. I think it’s really well-suited to a villain like Temple, who could never hold his own against even one Freelancer in raw combat. It makes sense for him to choose this particular method of execution: luring and trapping, watching them squirm, prolonging their suffering.

Coming in at the season’s midpoint, Carolina and Wash being locked in their armor serves as the second act culmination, introducing the new and dire question of whether they will be rescued before they die. Their lives are now on a ticking clock.

This should be an effective way to build tension in the latter half of the season, now that the earlier questions of the B&R’s identities and whether they can be trusted have been answered.

Problem is… we can’t see the clock. And the show doesn’t cut back to Wash and Carolina again for six episodes, during which the plot barely moves forward--so we don’t get any visible escalation of this new tension, which allows it to drain away.

When we do get to “True Colors,” it almost feels like the plot is tired of itself. At this point, the Reds and Blues have to figure out soon that the Blues and Reds are bad guys, because there’s simply nothing else to do. Carolina and Wash are locked in their armor in the basement. Dylan and Jax have been caught red-handed and are now being held captive. There’s nothing else to do with the plot, except stall.

And stall we do, for a solid five minutes of this thirteen-minute episode, via a conversation with Caboose and Loco, which is cute and plants the time portal concept, at least, and an extended scene of the Reds talking to themselves about their feelings, before Tucker just walks up to Temple and asks him point blank if they’re bad guys. We already know the answer, so there’s very little tension in the confrontation. The real source of tension--Wash and Carolina’s ticking clock--is buried, because we can’t see the clock. We don’t know if they’ve been down there six hours or two days.

And the time question is never answered. By the time Locus rescues them they’re starving and dehydrated, and their armor’s life support has failed. (Why? Shouldn’t Freelancer armor be able to hold up a few days in the field? Wouldn’t that mean they don’t have oxygen inside their helmets? And how was Locus able to unlock them in the first place without Temple’s remote control?) So we can guess that it’s been maybe three days, but we don’t know. And we’re never told. I have an uncomfortable suspicion even Joe doesn't know; the question was raised in a Reddit AMA with Joe and Miles about a month ago, and was never answered, not even with a vague handwave. I don’t think Joe actually nailed down a concrete timeline for this season, and I think this aspect of the story suffers for it.

Bang Bang, My Baby Shot Me Down

All right, let’s get this over with.

Things that were completely unnecessary in Season 15:

Spencer Porkinsenson

A conversation about York

Locus

Wash getting shot in the neck

Wash getting shot served no purpose to the plot. None. It changes nothing that happens in the last few episodes except that Wash isn’t there. (He wouldn’t have been able to do much anyway, considering that Carolina is barely staying upright.) It adds nothing to his characterization, because he’s nothing but loopy and babbling from the moment he’s out of armor lock.

Carolina is at least lucid, and her continued screentime post-rescue very much does serve her characterization. We get to see her refuse to sit out the fight, and struggle to muster the strength to go on; we get to see her fight briefly and collapse, and we get to see her frustrated but still willing to ask Tucker for help. All of these are great character moments. Imagine what we could have if she and Wash muddled through the final sequence together, leaning on each other, fighting to keep going just a little longer, reassuring each other it’ll all be over soon.

I don’t accept for a minute that contriving for Wash to get injured and hustled offscreen was the best use of his character at this point.

And it is absolutely contrived, because you can justify Tucker’s impulsiveness early in the season all you want but he has had plenty of time to steady up and realize they need a plan and have we forgotten that Tucker himself is actually… pretty good at planning? That it was Tucker who engineered the plan to entrap Felix at the end of season 12, in a high-stakes, high-stress situation where failure meant that he and very likely his friends old and new would be dead? That’s what present-day Tucker has lived through. That’s who he is.

There’s no good reason for Tucker to rush out into battle half-cocked. There’s no good reason for Wash to have wandered past everyone without anyone noticing. If Carolina were slumped against the wall, barely able to move, I could buy it from her, but she’s fully upright and mobile a second later, and there’s just no reason for it. There’s no reason for any of this to have happened except that the writer decided it needed to.

But why did it need to? What did it accomplish, besides shoving Wash offscreen, getting rid of Locus, and riling up the fans up for a week?

And it’s that last bit that really frosts me, honestly, more than anything else in this season. I don’t expect flawless narrative structure from RvB. I know what kind of show I’m watching. I can point out its plot weaknesses and still be entertained, and for much of this season, I was. But this is where you lost me, Joe.

Wash is exactly who you would pick if you asked yourself, “Which character can I grievously injure and cliffhanger for Maximum Fan Feels™?

Yeah, there’s that fuckin’ pin.

Some of you may be thinking, “But Anne, Carolina got a near-death cliffhanger in season 13!” Yes she did. It came at the end of a protracted confrontation as an important piece of her personal side plot about confronting her past and moving on. Carolina’s near-death cliffhanger was meaningful, and while it wasn’t handled perfectly (actually seeing her get rescued by her team would’ve been swell for establishing that whole “family” thing), it was part of a larger arc giving her character development that was sorely needed at that canon point. Also, Wash got his own year-long cliffhanger at the end of season 11 that was both heavily plot-relevant and drove a ton of character development for Tucker in particular.

This, though? This was cynical, calculated angst bait and nothing more.

What Are The Stakes Again?

Once it’s confirmed that Wash is alive and probably isn’t going to die offscreen, we have to go find the plot again. Where will we find it? On Earth. Yeah. Earth. The UNSC Headquarters. Where are they again? Do we know anyone there? Are our heroes in any particular danger if they don’t hightail it to Earth immediately? Given that they’ve figured out exactly where Temple is planning to attack, is there any reason they can’t just… you know, call? Sure, the UNSC won’t take their word at the moment, but how about the award-winning investigative reporter who’s literally on a phone call to Earth right now, couldn’t she--

Nope, saddle up kids, we’re going to Earth. We have to go save the… UNSC. You know, the real actual military. We have to save them. We definitely have to do that.

See, this is another problem with Wash getting shot. The audience just got done having their emotions jerked around over the fate of a character that a lot of people are really fucking invested in. Coming down from that, it’s a hard sell to make the endgame stakes a place we’ve never seen full of people we don’t know.

Tucker’s speech is pretty much forced to acknowledge that their only stake in this is revenge. “We do this for Wash! We do this for Church! We do this because fuck those assholes!” And while revenge can be a powerful motivator, we need more than that to build tension for the season’s climax. We need stakes. We need to know it matters if they fail to stop Temple, and on a personal level, it doesn’t--Wash is alive, Church is dead, and nothing they do from here will change either of those things.

So of course the machine turns out to be a doomsday device. It has to, because we have to get back that tension the plot keeps bleeding out. It’s not even a very good doomsday device, from what we can tell--it’s not going to destroy the very fabric of spacetime, just the one planet--and yes, destroying Earth is a big deal, but again, the Reds and Blues are safe as long as they’re not on Earth and in the time it takes for interstellar travel, they could just contact the actual military on Earth who could get there faster. Dylan is already on the phone with someone from Earth, a scientist who has confirmed for her that the device if activated will destroy the planet, and his response is… telling literally anyone important about this? No, he’s going to go get shitfaced.

Yeah, this end sequence has a stakes problem.

No Killing, Unless We Have To Or We Feel Like It Or Whatever

I actually find the idea of Carolina trying to practice non-lethality post-season 10 very compelling. It’s an idea I’ve seen explored very effectively in fic. There’s precedent for it in canon too, from her decision not to kill the Director herself, to her attempts to spare Sharkface in season 13. Notably, there is a context to Carolina’s choices not to kill, and also an understanding that sometimes it is necessary. And I think this whole idea could be explored very effectively in the right context, with the right follow-up.

This is… not that.

For one thing, the only person Carolina implores anyone not to kill is Temple, the worst and most malicious of their present enemies, and that’s such a lazy application of “don’t kill unless you have to.” It’s the kind of thing you see in video games where, after cutting down hundreds of nameless goons, you’re left with the choice to spare the leader--the one who actually masterminded the Evil Plot--because Mercy or Forgiveness or Being the Bigger Person or whatever.

Locus, by contrast, is at least given some consistency in his vow not to kill (setting aside the whole Batman logic that a GSW isn’t lethal as long as it’s not in the head) but it mostly just contributes to prolonging the fight that ends up getting Wash injured, since Locus won’t take a headshot on the machine gunner. And Locus is gone one episode later anyway, so there’s really no opportunity for the differences in their principles to play off one another.

Once we get to Earth, the zealots guarding the perimeter are mowed down with extreme prejudice and no qualms from anyone, and to lampshade that, Joe uses the laziest possible shorthand to demonstrate that they deserved to die. It’s almost an inversion of the scene in episode 1, which uses the opening dialogue to show you why the soldiers at the supply depot don’t deserve to die--except that was effective and well-written shorthand, and this just feels cheap and phoned-in.

It might even be funny, except that we’re still supposed to agree that Temple should live.

That Grimmons Thing

I never expected Grif/Simmons to be canon. Let’s get that out of the way first. Queerbaiting is not “I wanted my ship to become canon and it didn’t.” Prior to season 15, there’s really nothing in the text of the show itself (extracanonical comments from the creators, etc. notwithstanding) that I would consider queerbaiting. To give a counterexample: Carolina gently touching Kimball on the shoulder makes for great shipping fodder! But that in and of itself doesn’t make it queerbaiting.

In “Previously On,” there’s a joke that strongly suggests Grif and Simmons had some kind of sexual encounter in a closet during the Temple of Procreation activation. Notably, it’s something they are embarrassed about and will angrily refuse to discuss. It never comes up again, except indirectly when Jax butts in on their reunion conversation in hopes of catching them kissing on camera. The shot then cuts to Jax knocked out on the floor.

Take out those two jokes and the entire case for queerbaiting is gone. That’s it. That’s the problem. Why is it a problem? Because it teases the idea their relationship could have become sexual, but does so as a joke (which allows it be dismissed as such and not really canon) and in such a way that shows them both being uncomfortable with it afterwards and reacting with hostility to anyone else who brings it up. Neither of them ever brings it up again, and there is certainly no confirmation of romantic feelings that might make a certain portion of the fanbase uncomfortable in a serious context.

Queerbaiting rests on deliberately teasing a romantic/sexual relationship between same-sex characters, while also deliberately maintaining a plausible “no homo” to avoid alienating anyone in the audience that might think that’s icky. That’s what it is; that’s why this counts.

And it’s a shame for that letdown to overshadow all the truly great relationship development between Grif and Simmons that does exist in this season. From Simmons looking on in stunned silence as Grif leaves and seemingly fixating on him during their travels, to Grif’s loneliness and his rehearsed apologies, to the callback to their “Why are we here?” exchange in season one--there is some fantastic material here. It’s so gratifying to see them acknowledge out loud that they are friends, that they truly care about each other, and to see Grif so eager to return to his team.

With all the development their relationship got this season, it wouldn’t have a stretch from there to make it clear that they do have feelings for each other beyond friendship. But if you’re unwilling to pull the trigger on that, then don’t cock it. Give us the friendship development, let it stand on its own, and don’t tease us. Trust the actual queer folks in your audience, when we say: we’ve seen this before, and it’s not nearly as cute as you think it is.

Closing the Goddamn Door

The loss of Church has been woven throughout this season, primarily as a motivator to spur the Reds and Blues back into action, but also as an open wound from season 13 for which several of our characters still need closure. I like this thread. I like it a lot, and in fact would’ve liked to see it used more, as I mentioned above with the missed opportunity between Carolina and Wash. Grief is a powerful vehicle in fiction not only for character development, but for relationship development between characters.

Blue Team has a hole in it. Tucker and Caboose have lost a friend. Carolina has lost a brother. And Wash is probably left with a lot of complicated feelings about his own history with Epsilon and the fact that everyone else on his team loves him… which of course could have been explored for some fascinating tension, but hasn’t been touched on since season 11.

As of episode 6, it’s clear enough that Carolina, Tucker, and Caboose are all deeply affected by their loss. But as the season goes on, it’s really mostly Caboose’s need for closure on which the story actually follows through. It’s fair that Caboose’s view of death is complicated by Church’s repeated “resurrections.” Nevertheless, the fact that the time door seems only designed to offer closure to Caboose, when Tucker and Carolina could probably use some too… well, it feels like a dropped thread.

The time door in general is awkward and unsatisfying to me anyway, given that Alpha isn’t the same Church they recently lost, and to top it all it’s Alpha from the very beginning of Blood Gulch who has no regard for Caboose to speak of and certainly not the affection for him that Epsilon came to have. Caboose’s goodbye simply crams a weird and contextless experience into Church’s life, which he will, of course, never think about or bring up again.

Tucker and Caboose’s conversation in the jail cell about Church being really gone felt much more poignant and emotionally satisfying, because… well, that’s the thing about death. You don’t always get to say goodbye the way you wish you could have. And sometimes it takes a long time after to process those feelings, and the comfort of your friends means a lot during that time. A conversation that included Carolina would’ve been nice, maybe a mention of the messages Epsilon left for them all.

It might not be as flashy as a time machine, but given that by the end this season desperately needs some team cohesion and found family moments, maybe flash isn’t the way to go here.

To VICtory

VIC’s whole… subplot this season has a major, major tone problem. And this is a show that vacillates wildly between drama and comedy, and often very effectively, but... boy howdy does this subplot have a tone problem.

VIC’s suicidality being played for laughs is going to land badly for a lot of viewers from the start. There’s no way to make that not uncomfortable. But when it’s set up as such an obvious parallel to Epsilon’s dramatic and noble sacrifice in season 13… it falls particularly flat.

As a sidenote, while Epsilon is undeniably suicidal early in his life, I see no indication that he wants to die in season 13 or the Chorus trilogy generally. I won’t say he couldn’t have been, but I don’t think there’s canon evidence for it. His death is explicitly framed as a sacrifice, a choice made to protect the people he loves. A choice he is sorry to make, the outcome of which he regrets that he won’t get to see.

The impact Epsilon’s life has had on so many other characters is deeply felt in his final message.

VIC’s gleeful self-immolation, by contrast, leaves us with not much more than a vague distaste. That’s the danger of callbacks, especially to highly emotionally-charged moments. If your callback moment isn’t equally compelling, you run the risk of simply reminding your audience that they could be watching another, better story.

Conclusions

I enjoyed so much of this season, even beyond the strong first act and despite the issues in the second and third, and I think a big part of the reason I enjoyed it so much is that it has some really great moments. There are moments throughout the season when the characters are allowed to move unimpeded by The Plot, and in those moments they really shine. Everything I praised about the first act is still true. Most of episode 5 is gold. Tucker and Wash’s moment in “Reacts,” Grif’s arc, Niner’s flashback cameo, Tucker getting creative in the absence of his sword and punching a tank to death, the Grif sibling reunion--all of these moments and more tell me that Joe absolutely can write these characters, and can do so in both humorous and emotionally-powerful ways. I don’t doubt his abilities on that front.

Where there are cracks in the character writing, where the story drags and becomes unsatisfying, is when the characters aren’t allowed to drive the story, but are forced to act in such a way as will facilitate the plot even when it just doesn’t feel quite right.

I’ll close here with the same thing I said at the end of season 10, five years ago: Red vs. Blue is a character-driven universe at its heart. That doesn’t mean we don’t love plot! It doesn’t mean we don’t love mystery and intrigue and dramatic twists and big reveals. We do! But don’t forget that you hooked us with a bunch of people standing around talking. Characters are the heart of this show, and they will always be what matters the most.

I’m interested to see what Joe learns from this season, and how he grows from the experience, and if he stays on board for season 16 then I’ll look forward to seeing more of his work.

#rvb critical #rvb15 #red vs blue #avian dentistry #joe nicolosi

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jessicaj27-blog · 6 years ago

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Chicago Med Vs. New Amsterdam: the battle of the Psychiatrists

The other day, while watching an episode from Dick Wolf’s ‘Chicago Med (2015-present)’, a medical television drama, I was thinking to myself when character Dr. Daniel Charles, played by Oliver Platt (IMDb 2019), appeared on screen…

(Image Source: Chicago Med cast) Oliver Platt is pictured at the back, second from the right in a suit

“I not sure which psychiatrist I like better, the one from Chicago Med or the one from New Amsterdam”

And then, there was a light bulb moment!

Chicago Med (2015) and New Amsterdam (2018) are both current medical television dramas. Each episode always makes an efforts to include Dr. Charles (Chicago Med) and Dr. Iggy Fromes (New Amsterdam), played by Tyler Labine (IMDb 2019), in every single episode. This reinforces the concept of mental health into living rooms as a discussion point.

(Image source: New Amsterdam Cast) Tyler Labine is pictured fourth from the Left

This is an incredible change in medical dramas and current society to have mental health being a very real and influential factor that affects health. I’m not going to lie I am a former and current fan of watching other medical dramas such as House (2004), Grey’s Anatomy (2005) and The Resident (2018). House and Grey’s Anatomy are probably more of the outdated medical dramas because they have been on television for years and rarely discuss the importance of mental health. The Resident is a more current, however, mostly discusses alcohol and drug addiction, not such much as issues relating to mental health, stemming from social media.

(image source GIPHY)

By shows such as Chicago Med and New Amsterdam dealing with mental health issues including, bullying, suicide, depression, anxiety and social media affecting self confidence, leading to self judgement. All of these topics surrounding mental health has opened the door for people to discuss these types of issue in their own homes, via online forums, or even with Twitter hashtags during the shows air time.

(image source GIPHY)

Anthony McCosker, an Associate Professor who works closely with mental health organisations such as Beyond Blue in Australia. Delivered a seminar about ‘Champions, influencers & mentors in online forums’, McCosker (McCosker 2019) pointed out that people are

“more likely than ever to engage with health services and organisations ‘online’” and that “Health and illness are becoming increasingly connected through social media, and are ‘public’ in new ways”.

That people are turning to social media more and more for health and illness support and advice; this could include Facebook Groups for specific mental health conditions.

McCosker also outlined the idea of social media connecting people who need “safe zones for talking about suicide thoughts” (McCosker 2019), and that technology helps breaks down barriers for people who are seeking support. Social media and online platforms allow people to confide in others for support and advice, anonymously, this aspect is especially important. According to the World Health Organisation, “one in four people in the world will be affected by mental or neurological disorders… but nearly two- thirds of people with a known mental disorder never seek help from a health professional” (WHO 2001), due to the stigma and discrimination surrounding mental health.

Society has started to breakdown the stigma surrounding mental health, by introducing these topics of anxiety, depression and suicide via social media, new movies, new television shows, and even with new music; Imagine Dragons song “Demons” was about lead singer, Dan Reynold’s struggle with depression (Sciarretto 2014).

References:

IMDb 2019, Chicago Med (2015-) Full Cast & Crew, IMDb, viewed 14 May 2019, < https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4655480/fullcredits>.

IMDb 2019, New Amsterdam (2018-) Full Cast & Crew, IMDb, viewed 14 May 2019, < https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7817340/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1>.

McCosker, A 2019, ‘Champions, influencers & mentors in online forums’, MDA20009 Digital Communities, CANVAS, Swinburne University, 7 May, viewed 7 May 2019.

Sciarretto, A 2014, Imagine dragons, ‘Demons’ – Song Meaning, Pop Crush, 15 January, viewed on 14 May 2019, < http://popcrush.com/imagine-dragons-demons-song-meaning/>.

WHO 2001, ‘Mental disorders affects one in four people’, World Health Organisation, viewed 14 May 2019, < https://www.who.int/whr/2001/media_centre/press_release/en/>.

#chicago med #new amsterdam #mental health #mental health online #social media mental health

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motherboxing · 8 years ago

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I was thinking about why I just cannot bring myself to like Jughead on Riverdale at all - I don’t think it’s totally my disdain for the actor, or his hamfisted delivery, or my dislike of the character in the classic comics (the coded homophobia of his initial characterization as an effete, ineffectual, lazy, self-absorbed guy whose awful treatment of women is presented as the explicit evidence that he’s not into girls and whose obsession with food replaces what is, in his peers, an obsession with women) or my mistrust of his handling in nu-Archie comics stuff (where that homophobic characterization is justified by writers labeling him as asexual, rather than actually changing the character in a fundamental way so that he’s no longer that sort of caricature). Obviously all of that is part of it but what is also part of it is like, why do writers always write men and boys in pain the same way! Why the Manpain(tm)!

Like, there is a difference between a dude character who is having a hard time, or is traumatized, or is depressed, or angry, or grieving, or whatever, and expresses those emotions in complex ways that feel real and organic to the character... and a dude character with Manpain(tm). You know?

Owen Hunt on Grey’s Anatomy has Manpain(tm). He growls and punches people and takes his misery out on his girlfriend but we’re all supposed to be sympathetic because he’s hurting and it’s just so complicated. Alex Karev has SOMETIMES been written in a more thoughtful way than this but most of the time he also has Manpain(tm), especially when he was with Izzie. Benedict Cumberbatch’s Sherlock Holmes has Manpain(tm); actually a LOT of modern versions of Sherlock Holmes have Manpain(tm), including Dr. House. Manpain(tm) makes you insufferable. Manpain(tm) is uncommunicative, frustrated, sometimes violent, always surly. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS MANPAIN(TM)! Women, especially, can not understand; only men feel Manpain(tm). The only people a man with Manpain(tm) can relate to are like, their best bro, and dudes who are soldiers returning from a war zone, because that is the standard for Manpain(tm), I guess, because war is about Men, it’s where men go to be traumatized because that is the only legitimate way to be traumatized. (There are never any people who are not men in war zones, in these stories, or if they are, they come back miraculously untraumatized.) Manpain(tm) tells you that you cannot POSSIBLY relate to this character; it is alienating to watch, especially if you are not a man. Sometimes men with Manpain(tm) lecture women characters about how they can never understand them. When this happens it is understood that the women characters deserve this and should feel bad and stupid and understand that their concerns are trivial.

A character who just kind of happens to be a dude with some sort of emotional turmoil or pain is, like... Finn from TFA. Finn is struggling. He’s trying to get a handle on his shit. He’s terrified and hopeful and bleak and nervous and angry and sad and excited, sometimes by turns and sometimes all at once - he has a range of human emotions. He’s scared and brave and vulnerable and determined. He doesn’t really know how to say everything he wants or needs to say all the time - you can tell by the way he has visible difficulty when he tells Rey goodbye, before he comes back for her; this is NOT represented by stony silence, or macho posturing, or whatever, it’s just him, looking at this person he cares about and trying to find the right words to say what he wants to convey and ultimately failing. Through Finn’s turmoil, we get a sense of who he is, what he really wants, what he might do in the future; we get to know this character in a way that feels cohesive and somewhat intimate, and that makes us more invested in the story, which never presumes to tell us that we can’t relate to what he’s going through, because obviously no one watching TFA has ever ACTUALLY been a Stormtrooper - Stormtroopers aren’t real - but lots of people have felt dehumanized, lost, scared, lots of people have wanted to make people think they were someone else, etc (and that’s not even getting into like, Space Oppression Allegories).

Anyway I hope this clears up what I mean when I talk about Manpain as like, a narrative tool or whatever.

#tv makes me a modern girl #archie comics tw

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sinangoral2017-blog · 8 years ago

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[05.31.17] admittedly, securing sites to visit and enter legally has become much more frustrating than i had originally anticipated. one homeowner had to reschedule, one cancelled on me, and the last (which i knew i likely wouldn’t be able to visit since they typically require reservations for tours three to four months in advance) just completely fell through. though i recognize that these things happen, you might imagine i was still disappointed.

regardless, i decided to spend my first architectural exploration day in los angeles by immersing myself for the whole day in balboa heights - a site that i almost mistakenly included in my itinerary, but which ultimately proved itself as one of the most eye opening parts of this trip so far.

balboa heights was made famous in the late 1960s by josef eichler, an incredible developer and architect who was in complete awe of the effect that frank lloyd wright’s modernism had on its inhabitants. eichler’s contribution to modernism, at least on an urbanism scale, was far different. he focused this neighborhood's 108 midcentury, single-family homes towards middle class families. eichler’s work served as an important precedent for postwar housing at a neighborhood scale, aiming to provide comfortable and familial housing solutions. just as with most case study houses, sliding glass door entrances erased the fine line between indoor and outdoor regions. a choice to adopt and implement economic materials and open floor plans only heightened the impact that this urbanist strategy had on coloring american midcentury modernism. any other background information on this neighborhood can be found here; i found it to be very helpful when i was curating this trip several weeks ago.

balboa heights, simply put, had an incredible impact on me. i thought i was going to see several cookie cutter style homes, and i certainly did. but their attention to detail, as well as their specific integration into and consideration of their contextual landscapes made balboa heights an extremely memorable place for me.

four predominant housing typologies emerge, which are most easily characterized by their roof designs. most common, as you can see, is the ‘a-frame,’ which was also my favorite. at first glance, it echoes the basic archetype that we all so quickly associate ‘home’ with - a pitched roof. upon further inspection, however, i saw so many other affordances of this organizational design. programmatically, for example, the whole house wraps around this central core, giving purpose to the area under the roof as a main entrance into the home. its often open and airy nature allows for natural ventilation - it’s no surprise that so many homeowners use the zones under their pitched roofs not as carparks, but as greenhouses and miniature gardens.

the overall maintenance of the region was also impressive - not only in the fact that everything was kept up well, but also in that most homes were ‘preserved’ even in the inevitable threat of modernization. electric cars were charging from cables and devices installed on the homes. natural vegetation crept inside the units without clear boundaries. some homes had upgraded, renovated glazing - but without destroying the material and color sensibilities of the original designs. all in all, from a preservationist’s perspective, balboa heights could be viewed as a neighborhood frozen in time, which still accommodates for present day, as appropriate. though this is a seemingly simple idea, it is very difficult to find successful instances of, in my opinion. simply put, balboa heights captured the charm of ‘then’ and smartly integrated it with ‘now.’

above all, however, i was amazed by the color palettes of the homes. most of the images i’ve curated attempt to demonstrate this. all of the homes have muted, pastel colors, which echo the large scale vegetation of the neighborhood and mountainous contexts the homes reside in. the tans of the concrete paving slabs take a nod at the far-away rocky landscapes, while the dulled greys, greens, and blues consider the vegetation of the region. any accent colors relate to the local vegetation inherent to that specific house. this motif is in almost every house, and is still upheld, today. bright orange mailboxes and colorful front doors actually make contextual sense when looking at the natural details of the residing contexts. that no residents, for example, have altered their vegetation, is incredible to me. everyone seems in tune to the spirit of their own home, as well as the overall ethos of the neighborhood. the housing strategies prevail in several scales and contexts. how impressive and wonderful to see!

all in all, balboa heights is definitely something i’d like to revisit several years later to chart if it has been able to progress without changing.

tomorrow, i’ll be visiting another case study house, which happens to be for sale. too bad that the realtor denied any requests for me to see the house... i think i’ll just have to go and see what i can do, in person. later in the morning, i’ll be visiting the famous eames house. i’ve been told that i cannot make public any photographs that i take, so i’ll have to come up with a clever way to talk about what i observe. it might be time to whip out the sketchbook and get back to some serious drawing.

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ificouldflytotheclouds · 6 years ago

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Ranking 5 Seconds of Summer by Album - Sounds Good Feels Good (Deluxe Edition)

Long story short, when this album first came out I was pressured by my friend not to listen or buy it. I download the 'She's Kinda Hot Extended Play.' Besides SKH I really enjoyed the songs. At one point or another, I tried to listen to the album but could not get past the first three songs; If only I had known the shell was hiding a gem.

Present day: I keep thinking that the content of the album would've been good for me, but maybe not. Around the time the album came out I was emerging from my state of being depressed. I was trying to figure out my own life again and One Direction's last album was distracting enough.

I listened to the album in its entirety and fell in love with Sounds Good Feels Good this year. While I was late on the game, I believe this album knocked on my door at a time I was welcome to let it in and hear what it had to say. I started listening to SGFG in February. I remember being more excited to go to the gym because I could zone out and listen to this beautiful masterpiece. I can't pinpoint the date I started listening to the album, but I believe it was before Want You Back came out because it helped me see that they were coming out with a new song. But I could also be mixing that up, but I do remember seeing promo for the song and merch before the song dropped. Anyways onto my review (tl;dr: I haven't had as much time with the majority of these songs compared to other fans so the songs ranking and meaning may still shift but honestly that is the case for any album there are songs you can’t relate to at one time but may years down the line).

I love this album, deciding on an order will be difficult, and for that reason, I will be listening to this album on shuffle.

Hey Everybody!

This is one of the first three songs that I just was not impressed with upon first listen. Now I have heard it enough, I jam to this song, not my fav, but I’m not mad at it.

If you are not listening, this song sounds like money, and I may or may not confuse it with money because they talk a lot about money lol.

I can really relate to this song at the moment because I just graduated college. It is important to me that I pay off my loans as soon as possible and for that reason, I am taking a gap year before I go to do my masters to help reduce the financial burden. The issue is I currently do not have a job. I did a temp job the week after graduation, so I’ve only had one week not working, which I am actually very grateful to have gotten the opportunity to do because there are not many times in one's life where they are able to do so. Worse comes to worse I’ll go back to my old job but I want to look for other things first. One of the reasons I didn’t go back to my old job is because I wasn’t feeling fulfilled, I have been with this organization for 5 years, and I think I need to change it up. At the same time I know sometimes a job just needs to be a job. While I am hoping to earn money before I go back to school I am also making sure to focus on me and letting myself live. I am so excited for the 5sos concert this fall, I have a Harry concert in less than a month, and I am traveling to Chicago with my friend to see Niall on the 3 year anniversary of seeing 1d in concert for the first time. Additionally, I am hoping to go vegan and spend my free time doing things that I love such as singing, writing, doing yoga… things that I didn’t give myself enough time to do during college.

Ranking: 1 of 1

Permanent Vacation

Sonically I am so in love with this album. WOw. This song has so many meanings (not that this post was supposed to be me analyzing the lyrics). This is 5sos. They didn’t go the typical route and now they’re on a permanent vacation. I can relate to the prechorus when you just don’t have any motivation for anything and it gets really frustrating, I can relate this to bad mental health days (in which I literally went on a vacation to 2 other countries and I came back and I remember being so happy and content in my daily living, a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time) but also I’ve jammed to this while doing homework, I was so over it. They have us in the system, go to school, go to some more, get a job cubical job, it’s a cycle, but I don’t want that to be my life. I want it to be something more. And I feel like that’s what the songs about.

Ranking: 1 of 2 over Hey Everybody!

Fly Away

I always forget how hard this song goes because the chorus is softer than the verse. Just based on these three songs you can tell how the album ties away, going away from the normal, living your life to it’s fullest and not wasting your time mulling over things you don’t find fulfilling. This is a reminder that you can create your own future. It’s all up to you.

When I think of SGFG this song doesn’t stick out to me. I think money and hey everybody makes a bigger punch. With that said...

Ranking: 2 of 3 over Hey Everybody!

Airplanes

Michael Michael. He is so underappreciated. I love all of their voices and I hope Ash gets more solos/parts in Youngblood. I feel like people don’t talk about Michael’s singing enough. Have you listened to live performances when he killed the harmonies? Focusing on when he leads: I think his voice is sooo important to bringing together 5sos’ sound especially when it comes to new broken scene. This song is so adorable, someone coming into your life and suddenly your life has meaning. They way that they describe their life, suddenly bursting to colors. But it’s not that straightforward, the individual isn’t getting better for the new person in their life, this person brings the light, the purpose of the individual doing things for themselves.

The second verse kills me emotionally because this is many of us when we struggle with xyz, our ego gets in the way, we think we can deal with it ourselves, but at one point or another, we recognize that it is larger than ourselves and we think we should’ve sought help. But the thing is, it’s never too late to get help. Even when you’ve found someone who brings neon lights to your life, getting a little extra help from someone never hurt anybody.

Lyrically I like this song better than permanent vacation but permanent vacation is such a bop.

Ranking: 2 of 4 over Fly Away

Broken Home

This song is. So. Good. It’s heartbreaking. While I am adopted and have had some rough times at home I can’t say I can relate to the chorus. This song makes me cry none the less and I can’t imagine how much this song must mean to those who have or are currently dealing with divorce or something similar. My heart breaks for you, my heart breaks for your family. While a dream may be lost hopefully the individuals who once made a couple can find their own happiness and be treated the way that they deserve (not saying that one person is intentionally hurting another, but even neglect, intentional or not isn’t giving the other partner what they may need). Sending you all the love.

Ranking: 1 of 5 over Permanent Vacation

Invisible

This song is so pretty and it’s a song totally up my alley. But when it comes to ranking I know it’s going to be towards the bottom. It’s not a standout song, sonically or lyrically. For me personally, I think that this has to do with life stages, it’s not to say that I don’t have times that I feel invisible at 22, but I think this relates to my time in middle school and high school where was forming my identity. It’s funny going through time and going through friends because sometimes you feel like you aren’t understood, you blend into the background. When you find your people when you truly find your people you burst into light similar to airplanes. That’s not to say that with amazing people surrounding you that you don’t feel invisible, misunderstood....

I don’t know. I find this song difficult to relate to when I don’t currently feel this way. And the times of feeling invisible don’t stand out, in my life as much as it may for other, such that my state of being depressed was persistent for around 2 years. (This song can easily relate to depression/states of being depressed, but I don’t personally feel the connection)

I don’t question that this and the last song are things that 5sos has dealt with but these are also songs that are specifically dedicated to the fans.

Ranking: 5 of 6 over Hey Everybody!

Jet Black Heart

This is 5sos’ anthem. This. Song. Is. Everything. While the last song I couldn’t relate to my own state of being depressed (I say this rather than depression because I was not clinically diagnosed but it was the emotional state of being depressed). There are no words. I want to scream these words on a rooftop for everyone to hear. This song is so vulnerable, which they do an excellent job of conveying in the music video, and just them as artists. We don’t need to know their life stories, but they have given us a glimpse at some of the most difficult things that they have had to deal with in their life.

‘As we burst into color, returning to life’ recently is one of my favorite line because I can relate it from going to dark days to living in a consistent state of grey to having a period in my life where I found AMAZING people and I was So. So. SO. happy every single day.

Ranking: 1 of 7 over Broken Home

San Francisco

Aka the cutest song ever. This is happiness in a song. It is a sand out because it’s lightness and emotional state. “We don’t gotta say anything, don’t say anything at all” sums up the song. It’s about those magical moments that you don’t want to end and you want to last forever.

This is when the ranking is going to get difficult bc broken home was my number one at one point, it no longer is, but that just shows how amazing this album is.

Ranking: 2 of 8 over Broken Home

Waste the Night

I have less and less to say about my favs because I have no words. Also because this song doesn’t have too many lyrics, it’s fairly straightforward, it’s the music that tells the story in this song.

This is one of those songs that makes you so emo in concert because youre standing there living your best life feeling love all around you. (Also when I went to the concert I should’ve been writing in a paper due the next day, ended up turning it a day late. I think it would’ve been crap even if I didn’t go to the concert bc I would've been distracted by the fact that it was going on, it’s not till the next day did inspiration and motivation hit me. I got lucky got a very small reduction and an A in the class)

Ranking: 1 of 9 over Jet Black Heart

Money

So this is the song I had to jump over to properly enjoy this album but this is a BOP. I was so turned off on my first listen it took a while to appreciate the song. Hey Everybody! makes me think of Money but whenever I listen to money it stands out on its own. It another one of those lets fall in love and run away from this town songs. It’s surprisingly cute.

Ranking: 7 of 10 over fly away (this might win over airplanes but I’m going to let it fly)

Outerspace/Carry On

I can’t separate this beauty.

ugh. The feels. They hit hard. This is...a masterpiece and will be on the top of 5sos accolades. “Nothing like the rain when youre in outerspace.” I have no words. And then Carry On ending the album I want to cry. It’s like life can beat you up, you’ll go all over the place, but all you need to know is it’ll get better.

I feel like this song transcends everything else on the album, but at the same time it’s not my #1 you feel?

ugh now I’m questioning all of my rankings should jet black heart go bf san fran and outer space after jet black heart?? I think I am going to go with

Ranking: 2 of 11 over San Fransisco.

Catch Fire

A certified BOP. This makes me think of the line in JBH (but from a bright and beautiful viewpoint). I love when an artist makes references to their others songs within songs. The big thing while listening to Catch Fire is, will it rank above or below castaway bc those are both WOWWOW.

Ranking 6 of 12 over Permanent Vacation

Castaway

This song goes hard it’s so goood. But I’m feeling

right now. So catch fire wins over castaway. Ugh this is the point where the ranking gets hard.

Ranking: 7 of 13 over Permanent Vacation

The Girl Who Cried Wolf

This and saftey pin are second tier songs to me. Like you have top songs that you will die over, second tier is your good, your amazing, but I wouldn’tdie over you. It could be because I’ve been with these two songs longer than other songs on the album. For both songs, the chorus is the best. This is a good song to cry to in the rain (it’s an experience) while walking down an empty street.

Ranking: 8 of 14 over Permanent Vacation

She’s Kinda Hot

I was not a huge fan of this song when it first came out, I viewed it as a bit sexist and just ehh. Over time I realized I was missing the point. Especially by the end of the song, it feels like a different song. There is a reason why they chose this song as their lead single, they were introducing the new broken scene. The title is a bit misleading but I also think that brings a different intrigue to the song. The message of the song empowering...

Ranking: 8 of 15 over The Girl Who Cried Wolf

Saftey Pin

The bridge of this song is everything. I don’t have much to say about the song. It’s solid. This is another one of those songs where you are like this. this. is a 5sos song. Michael said the new album would still have the feeling of running away and being free in the new album and I am excited to hear it on Friday.

Ranking: 8 of 16 over She’s Kinda Hot

Vapor

When we end with the best song. I could see some people seeing this song as nothing special as it is a song that is repeative. Also I do not promote vaping. Don’t do drugs boys and girls. This song is just so pretty and the repeative nature of the song feeds into the softness of the song. Contrasted with the more agressive singing in the chorus, showing how much this individual means to them. Or at least how they dream it to be. I feel like it’s a good compliment to Lie to Me. Vapor = falling for the girl before they’re together, even though she’s not into him. Lie to Me = Heart Break over a girl who destroyed him and he cant get her out of his body.

Ranking: 1 of 17 over Waste the Night

Sounds Good Feels Good Ranking

Vapor

Waste the Night

Outerspace/Carry On

San Fransico

Jet Black Heart

Broken Home

Catch Fire

Castaway

Saftey Pin

She’s Kinda Hot

Girl Who Cried Wolf

Permanent Vacation

Airplanes

Money

Fly Away

Invisible

Hey Everybody

Album Review/Ranking Masterlist

#lol at trying to make this relatable #that wasnt my aim in the first place #im just sharing a lot more than i expected #ugh i need to stop writing with gender pronouns im sorry #this took me forever to do #i should've had it done earlier but *shrug*#all but the last three songs discussed were written yesterday #5 seconds of summer #5sos #ashton irwin #calum hood #luke hemmings #michael clifford #mikey #sounds good feels good #sgfg #album ranking

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sanrosa · 4 years ago

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4:11 am

despite having such a stressful week, i’m still here. and here i am, listening to The Anxiety - an album by Willow and Tyler Cole [Believe That is one of the best songs out here]. either way, i’m taking this moment to seriously talk to myself. because, listen, being in your very own zone and thoughts for a reeeally long time can mess with your brain sometimes and your soul then starts to feel weird and sad, you know. you start noticing so many things about the world and about yourself, both beautiful and tragic. these are scary times man, thank you Lord God that i am still good, because i have been feeling pretty weak (emotionally, not physically) and very melancholic, just 2 hours ago i was crying. and honestly, these tears did not feel too much like tears of just sadness, or anger, or sorrow or tiredness. they were tears of all this sadness, anger, sorrow and heavy tiredness infused together to built up this just really heavy emotion i could not and cannot explain. to be truly honest, it felt or feels like i am fighting this battle with myself which has been going on through out my teen years. the last time i feel like i was pretty happy and really, really, actually did not care much was 2015, 14 years and blooming. thereafter, boys came into the mix, school and education became something to be serious about, family issues are really coming clear and i’m realizing how messed up a lot of things are. but hey, smoke a blunt and forget all about that shit right? yeah man. i guess the only thing (besides a joint) that i could say would save me is music. honestly, music has been such a cure for my sometimes confused soul for the longest time, it is pretty crazy. the only thing that allowed my soul to feel some sort of relation to this world [because hey, i can really feel like i am not from this planet sometimes] - is m.u.s.i.c. the work of art that connects to a soul like no other.

well, i could go on and on about this and how i’ve been feeling. but really, i am trying to get to the aftermath; what i have gathered from this fuzzy, messy phase i have been experiencing.

side-note: i’d just like to thank my sister for opening my eyes to many things - an angel this one ❤️

But basically, the idea that ‘I’m bad at loving’ or ‘I don’t know how to love’ could not just simply lie with my astrological placements, my numerological numbers, nor just my upbringing throughout childhood. Sure, they play a bit of a part here and there. Well technically a large part. Howeverrrr, this idea is also up to me and my soul; how it feels connected to love. How do I feel about love? How do I take it? How do I think perhaps I should take it? How do I think perhaps I should give it? How do I feel about the love I have for myself?

These are questions I’ve never really asked myself. And thus, I cannot tell how I actually am in love. Love is still some conceptual factor, an imaginable feeling that I’m still trying to pinpoint as to what it is about, while trying to make scenarios of it from how other people sweetly present it to be. But, well, as long as I feel that way about it, that is how it will feel about me, I guess. As long as I’m not sure of it and stay scared of it, it will stay scared of me and won’t be sure of me - and that’s actually where it all lies. Not even just in relationships, though they are playing a large into why I am even contemplating this - but for myself. Just myself. Loving myself. The endless self-doubt, judging, uncertainty, nitpicking and deep self-pity, 🙄😞 However, one thing I can believe is that it attacks us all. These thoughts and feelings of ourselves hit all of us at some point, and hey, there is nothing wrong with it. Actually, one grows from that. And I guess... I guess this is my growth. For sure it feels like craappp, especially when it becomes so deep, wooh.. But it’s also pretty cool to think; this is part of the experience. I will grow from this one day. In fact, right now, I’m growing out of it. My plan for this blog post was to write something positive about myself, I didn’t think of what it will be exactly, but just something to really put some light & warmth into a place that I am in that feels really dark and cold. It may not seem much, but also, I don’t want to make it seem irrelevant, it’s a big step towards a whole lot of self love, self appreciation, self gratitude and just being a best friend to myself again rather than the battle I’ve been encountering. A lifelong friendship that consists of nothing but pure love and respect. So; here goes day one of these little letters:

Hey sweet-love.

As much as we’ve kinda said everything we’re sort of feeling, I feel I need to share this with you.

Well, yes, at times it feels easier to express cynical, dark thoughts, and you’re prone to feeling doubtful about tons of things in your daily existence, especially right now, who knows maybe the moon is in Capricorn (we’re not checking). however, I’m not sure you realize this, but your mind is quite a beautiful place. period. it’s just beautiful, filled with pleasant, funny, quirky thoughts and wild imaginations, i get it, man. and that alone just makes it so fucking amazing. but, it does not stop there, you know that? there are things you have never thought of, like ever, in this world. but if you were to, those thoughts would still say kind-hearted and sometimes hilarious and amazing because you are the same person who knows to think in a beautiful and funny way. in all the time you’ve had your brain thinking, 99,999999% of those thoughts come from a place that tries to bring beauty, light-heartedness and ‘harmony’, whatever the case. and also, 99,999999% of the time, you have made it through all the horrible events that were supposed to bring you down. because your mind knows eeasily how to get back to that place of just beauty, light-heartedness and harmony. but okay, what i am also trying to bring into light now, is that sure you like light-hearted, chilled vibe, and that is good, it’s pretty awesome man (you’re needed in this life). but for the love part. the love. love, love, love. awe, you also like/want the light-hearted vibe huh? alright that is cool, you know. but to have an actually deeper, heavier feeling of love for yourself is so, so, so important i cannot stress it enough. many, many, many things will try to bring you down in this life. from unexpected events, and cloggy situations, to pesty, puny, invalid thoughts of people who feel entitled and hurtful incidences caused by matters of racism, sexism, ageism, etc. and bit by bit, all these things can stress you out because lol as much as you may seem non-caring, some stories to stick with you because ‘you love with a passion or hate a passion’, no grey areas. but, leaving all those external factors, all of them, you come to realize that sometimes, when you sit alone in the dark, you can feel lonely , and find it hard to feel whole. so okay, to realize that and become conscious of it - first step. now, actually taking the time to dig deep, deep, deep within and enter this place that has you thinking of love as some distant feeling, this cold-ish place that really has needed warmth for the longest time now. this place, it’s in you, it needs and demands your attention. you keep closing it and brushing it off cause hey, you’re still living right? no worries, right? nope, the time has come. winter has come and it, is, cold. cold as hell that place that is now about to light up and become so warm, so affectionate, it’s not afraid of love no more, it doesn’t find it cheesy. it’s letting these things be, while opening the throat chakra to when a certain aspect is not making you comfortable or making you feel right, you speak about it, you’re true to yourself now, because you’ve finally upped the bar for the love you have for yourself. the love is so much now, that you’re not afraid to share it with others too, without any sort of feeling of anxiousness or something similar. the main focus now is on screwing those pipes properly that line up with your heart and mind. the agenda has always been soul and mind expression, no heart. but now, now the heart is taking a stand to say ‘hey, it’s become rather chilly in here, heat it up and let me illuminate’ lol, okay yeah you get the point.

Sandy, your heart is lovely and it is filled with so much love. Don’t just give to people, light-heartedly. Give it to yourself, deeply, whole-heartedly, with every ounce you have let it ooze affection. Allow to surround you while making you a warm, softer person who’s no longer afraid of love, but appreciates it, acknowledges it, accepts it as this pure feeling that makes everything beautiful out of a warm transpiration

I love you. ❤️

- Sandy of June 18th 2020.

[played The Anxiety - Entertain while writing this] 6:07 am

#strawberry mint series

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jessicakehoe · 5 years ago

Text

Annie Murphy on Life After Schitt’s Creek, Her “Biggest Heartbreak” and Dan and Eugene Levy

There isn’t much that’s similar between Annie Murphy and Alexis Rose, the spoiled yet lovable little sister that the Ottawa-born actress plays on CBC’s Schitt’s Creek, particularly in the wardrobe department. Murphy describes her style as “bag lady chic,” whereas Alexis’s wardrobe is just chic. And expensive. But I think I’ve discovered the one piece that could be the sartorial bridge between the two: a pair of grey cashmere sweatpants.

Murphy spots them on a rainy afternoon at Courage My Love, a vintage store in Toronto’s Kensington Market—a place it’s safe to say Alexis would not set one high-heeled foot in—and holds them up with an “Ooh.” The pants in question, soft and slouchy, fit perfectly with Murphy’s relaxed style, but they’re also something Alexis could very well be spotted lounging in at the Rosebud Motel. (They’re cashmere, after all.)

Photography by Carlyle Routh. Styling by Eliza Grossman. Creative Direction by George Antonopoulos. Hair, Sarah Amson for P1M.ca/Bang Salon. Makeup, Ronnie Tremblay for P1M.ca/Marc Jacobs Beauty. Manicure, Shirley Truong for P1M.ca/Tips Nail Bar. Fashion assistant, Ashley Galang. Photography assistants, Mark Luciani and Stacy Spivak. Props by The Props/theprops.ca.

Over beer and guacamole at El Rey Mezcal Bar, Murphy confesses to not having much of an eye for fashion, but after six seasons of working alongside Dan Levy (who plays her brother, David, on the show), she couldn’t help but pick up a few things. “I’ve learned that fashion is something I really do love and appreciate; it’s art,” she says.

“I’ve learned that fashion is something I really do love and appreciate; it’s art.”

“Taking care and pride in how you present to the world and deciding what that’s going to look like—I find that all so fascinating. And it’s amazing to see how it changes the way you carry yourself. But I also find it incredibly daunting. I would love to be super-fashionable, but there are so many options and so many combinations of things, so I just resort to my comfy everyday look.”

Today, that look involves an oversized black-and-white floral maxi-dress with a denim jacket draped over her shoulders and well-worn Chuck Taylors. Her hair is swept up in a messy topknot, her crimson nails are chipped and her face is devoid of any trace of makeup aside from a few swipes of mascara. It’s a contrast to Alexis, who blow-dries and styles her hair every day, thank you very much, whose nails are always glossy and perfect and who never lets her surroundings or schedule dictate the kind of clothes she feels like wearing that day. (A fully-sequined silver mini-dress with thigh-high socks for the first day of community college? Why not?)

That said, the openness, radiant friendliness and candour you see in Alexis are clearly evident in Murphy, too. This may be the mark of an actor who is still fairly unaccustomed to talking endlessly about herself, but for every five questions I ask her, she asks me one about myself: what I’m bingeing on these days, what my favourite restaurants are in the city and what my theories are on the fox in Fleabag (which she recently downed on a plane and was blown away by). It’s as if no one told her that the standard rules of social engagement no longer apply now that she’s on a beloved television show.

“I remember being quite young and having this feeling of panic that you’ve only got one life.”

Much has been written about Schitt’s Creek, which has been nominated for multiple Emmys and served as Murphy’s big break. The show belongs in the same camp as Parks and Recreation and Brooklyn Nine-Nine (which is to say it’s nice); its humour never comes at anyone’s expense. Yes, there’s narcissism, selfishness and ludicrous behaviour aplenty (not to mention avant-garde designer threads), but there’s also warmth. The town of Schitt’s Creek is a no-judgment zone.

In particular, David’s pansexuality and the matter-of-fact way in which his romantic relationships are depicted onscreen are a breath of fresh air. Fans from all around the world have sent letters and tweets about how the show has changed their lives. It has encouraged people to open up about their sexuality; gotten others through rough patches in their lives; helped families understand one another better; and generally provided a joyful place to escape to at a time when kindness, love and empathy seem to be in short supply. So while everyone is bingeing on Schitt’s Creek to preserve their sanity, what does Murphy turn to?

Lately, she’s been watching Broad City, but The Office is her “go-to safety blanket and has been for a long, long time.” The books she has been reading, however, are anything but cheery. She just finished The Goldfinch, Donna Tartt’s epic story about a young boy who loses his mother in a terrorist attack; Rohinton Mistry’s A Fine Balance, about the violent period in India’s history known as The Emergency, is one of her favourite books; and she just started Hanya Yanagihara’s A Little Life, a book filled with such anguish that anyone who has ever read it will offer words of caution to others about to embark on the same sorrowful journey (as I do with Murphy). “I’ve just started it, but from all accounts it’s literally going to get exponentially worse every chapter I read,” she says. “I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself, but I’ve got The Office to balance me out.”

“She’s not a bad person; she’s actually quite a good and kind and selfless person. But it was all really deep down and had to be mined out.”

Books, incidentally, are what got Murphy interested in acting in the first place. Her parents, who still live in Ottawa, were both teachers, and her father read to her a lot when she was a child. “I remember being quite young and having this feeling of panic that you’ve only got one life. I think books are the first step to kind of overcoming that, because you can be a different person and live different lives in different places and have different experiences all through books. And then acting is an extension of that—being able to be another person for a while.”

Murphy fell in love with acting in high school and subsequently enrolled at Queen’s University in Kingston, Ont., which she abandoned a year later in favour of a better theatre program at Concordia in Montreal. She loved the experience and the city, but work opportunities were slim, with auditions for roles as juicy as “hot werewolf with no lines” coming her way once every couple of months. So after six years in Montreal, she moved to Toronto, where she starred in The Plateaus, a 2015 web series about four insufferable musicians, which she also co-created. “That was kind of the scene I was living in at that point,” she says. “My husband was in a band, so I was constantly surrounded by band dudes and band stories and that whole scene. It’s all so easy to laugh at, especially when people are taking themselves too seriously, which is often the case.”

“My house had just burned down, I hadn’t booked a job in two years, I had $400 in my bank account and I’d absolutely shat the bed on my very first screen test out in L.A.”

Finding the humanity and relatability in difficult people is clearly a Murphy specialty. “On paper, Alexis is a bit of a handful and incredibly selfish, and she could be taken as a ditzy blond. But it was really important to me to not have her be unlikable because I think so much of who she is is based on her surroundings and her environment,” she explains. “She’s not a bad person; she’s actually quite a good and kind and selfless person. But it was all really deep down and had to be mined out.”

“I think a lot of my idea for Alexis was formed when I met Annie and when I saw her take on the character,” says Dan, who co-created the show and also shares wardrobe duty with costume designer Debra Hanson. “As soon as I saw her, I knew we were going down a path of high-end, easy French design, like the Isabels and the A.P.C.s and the Chloés, you know—softer pieces from those collections.”

“To be able to wear these absolutely outrageous outfits every day was such a treat,” says Murphy, who kept a chunky Isabel Marant sweater and snakeskin Gucci sandals from Alexis’s wardrobe when the series wrapped after its sixth season (which is set to premiere on CBC in January 2020).

“It was a serious lesson in losing things, but it was an even bigger lesson that things are just things and can be replaced in one way or another.”

Twyla Sands, the Café Tropical waitress played by Sarah Levy (yes, she’s Dan’s sister), may be the eternal optimist on the show, but Alexis also has a way of always looking for a silver lining, which is evident in Murphy as well. “I think our similarities lie in our desire to find the good in a situation and to try and spin things toward the positive instead of the negative,” she says. It’s what helped Murphy get through the “very, very bleak” period right before her Schitt’s Creek audition.

“My house had just burned down, I hadn’t booked a job in two years, I had $400 in my bank account and I’d absolutely shat the bed on my very first screen test out in L.A.,” she explains. Although she and her husband were out of town when it happened, that fire was a learning experience, but it took its toll. “When my place burned down, it was a serious lesson in losing things, but it was an even bigger lesson that things are just things and can be replaced in one way or another,” she says.

“I realized that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel; you just don’t quite know when you’ll be bathed in it.”

“That said, my biggest heartbreak was losing my teddy bear named Worthington that had been my buddy since I was born. We’d seen some shit together, so he was a tough one to lose.” She was all set to throw in the towel and give up on acting but serendipitously got a call to audition for Alexis two days later. “I realized that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel; you just don’t quite know when you’ll be bathed in it.”

Now, after nearly six years in a life-changing job, it’s time for Murphy to go back to the drawing board. “A different drawing board,” she concedes, but a daunting one nonetheless. A drawing board that’s got “co-starred with Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara” tacked to it, though, isn’t a shabby place to be, and Murphy is quick to point out how invaluable the experience was.

“They’re people I admire as professionals and as human beings. I really want to try and model myself after them as much as possible.”

“It was a schooling every single day from two of the best comedic actors in the world,” she says. “I hope that I took something away with me through osmosis. They’ve been working together for 45 years, and they’re absolute professionals, but they have so much fun—they’re so playful and so kind to everybody and so respectful of everybody. They’re people I admire as professionals and as human beings. I really want to try and model myself after them as much as possible.”

O’Hara, who plays Murphy’s mother on the show, is equally effusive in her own praise. “Annie is truly funny, on and off set. She’s quick-witted and has a great sense of humour, not just about the world around her, but about herself. Annie has made Alexis a naturally funny, sweet, vulnerable, unique character, so that no matter what her scenes require, she is always hilarious and touching and totally believable. She really makes me laugh.”

While she looks for her next project, Murphy is using the free time she has to do a bit of writing (she hopes to write something of her own—“a show or a play or a short”—soon) as well as reading (obviously), taking long walks and…eavesdropping. “It’s one of my very favourite things to do,” she says. “At a bar or a café, I put one earphone in, pretend to read and just listen to the conversations around me. I have a long list of notes on my phone. Ideas, things I heard, stories I heard, collected from people who didn’t know I was listening…so stolen, really.”

The victims of her theft likely wouldn’t be too offended. Over the course of my afternoon with her, at least four sets of people came up to us to politely—but effusively—tell her how much they love the show. It’s something she says she’s still trying to get used to. But it’s a helpful reminder that the show’s message of love and kindness resonates with people around the world. For Murphy, it’s reinforcing something she has long known and practised. “I love being nice,” she laughs. “It’s one of my favourite things.” There’s even an homage to it tattooed on her body—a silhouette of Jimmy Stewart with his arm around his imaginary friend/rabbit from the heartwarming 1950 film Harvey.

It’s a reminder, she says, that people should be free to believe in whomever and whatever they like, as long as it isn’t hurting anybody, and to always lead with kindness and empathy.

youtube

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Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek for FASHION Magazine

Top, $2,495, Sportmax, pants, $630, Beaufille, and shoes, price upon request, Burberry.

2/9

Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek for FASHION Magazine

Dress, $9,100, Hermès. Earrings, $125, Jenny Bird.

3/9

Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek for FASHION Magazine

Dress, price upon request, and belt, $350, JW Anderson. Boots, $2,500, Hermès.

4/9

Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek for FASHION Magazine

Top, $1,050, Chloé at Holt Renfrew. Jacket, $2,590, Max Mara, and pants, $1,435, Kwaidan Editions, at The Room. Necklaces, from $110, Cuchara. Shoes, price upon request, Burberry.

5/9

Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek for FASHION Magazine

Jacket, price upon request, top, $1,055, and pants, $1,190, Sies Marjan. Earrings, $125, Cuchara. Boots, $2,500, Hermès.

6/9

Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek for FASHION Magazine

Jacket, price upon request, and pants, $1,190, Sies Marjan.

7/9

Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek for FASHION Magazine

Dress, $4,640, Prada. Belt, $350, JW Anderson. Bracelet (worn as necklace), $9,500, Tiffany & Co. Sunglasses, $500, Sportmax.

8/9

Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek for FASHION Magazine

Coat, $4,090, jacket, $2,990, top, $1,720, and skirt, $2,490, Burberry. Bracelet (worn as necklace), $9,500, Tiffany & Co.

9/9

Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek for FASHION Magazine

Jacket, $5,900, Dior. Top, $995, Roksanda at The Room. Pants, $1,190, Sies Marjan. Ring, $125, Jenny Bird.

The post Annie Murphy on Life After <em>Schitt’s Creek</em>, Her “Biggest Heartbreak” and Dan and Eugene Levy appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

Annie Murphy on Life After Schitt’s Creek, Her “Biggest Heartbreak” and Dan and Eugene Levy published first on https://borboletabags.tumblr.com/

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mi15017jamesscurr · 7 years ago

Text

My Struggle_Part 1

For my Animation performance assignment I have decided as my struggle to which I will literally force uphill and topple over a cliff is a fear I’ve dealt with more recently, only because I am now aware of what it is and how its secretly being destroying my life. Criticism, for me especially criticism from anyone can take any part of me that is wrong and blow it up to inhuman proportions to the point where I have been called, ‘Monstrous’, ‘Grotesque’ and ‘Hideous’ (and other profanities that I do not wish to get into here) purely on my appearance with no-one willing to defend me or even compliment my appearance. This happened on the now defunct, ‘Candid’ app which you can speak anonymously and be as honest as you like with the only limitations being that if you say anything relatively extreme you will be removed.

Now this did start me thinking more and more about how on face value I was presenting myself, I was in a suit and tie with hair combed back and sprayed. No real blackheads or the like, broad shoulders and a pleasant ‘Poker face’ expression that meant I was very ‘mature’ as it were. Not in much in the way of aggression as supposed to looking quite stern. What I learned from this is that no matter who you are and especially in whatever environment, on face value you will be judged as almost nothing out of the ordinary because our society, specifically Newcastle upon-Tyne in 2017 we have been brought up to simply accept and expect that we will come into contact in one way or another with multiple classes, in all shapes and sizes to which silently we will all criticise either with friends or within’ our collective sub-conscious. This act of stereotyping can also be amplified to a more in-depth exposure to people who behaviour of that certain, ‘class’ that we may have seen on Television or on social media. But with ought any actual in-depth knowledge or context of a person we may see in the street or anyone we see on the internet for example we cannot differentiate between the two and have a very clear view, almost if you like seeing in black and white of that person.

So people and I know that their are hundreds like me who indeed suffer with low self-confidence over what people might say about who they are because on face value they are deemed inferior and are immediately rejected from a collective sub-culture or group of close people who are sceptical of outsiders. this for me especially starting university life was and is still a massive problem, because during my final year in 6th form a lot of confidence was brought out of me through my improved work ethic, my work across my subjects and overall my social interactions have allowed me to, (In spite of my Autism) come out of my shell and believe for the first time in my life that I had people to interact with daily and feel like I was apart of something regardless of who I was or where I came from or who my family were. Sadly and all to quickly as well once I left 6th form all my mates either went down south, or moved on with their own lives and I was nothing more than an afterthought. Or worse, people would rather not acknowledge any record of being involved with me or would talk to me. This isn’t necessary the first time I’ve been abandoned by people I used to call my, ‘friends’ but it made me realise that this was suddenly going to become the natural order of things in my life.

I would come into a new institution completely on my own.

Months would roll by and nothing would come out instead of inward misery.

I gain confidence because I was bored of being miserable.

Make friends.

Watch as I’m left alone again.

Rinse,wash,repeat.

During this last year in desperate attempts to find intermediate patches of success and acceptance to believe I can achieve more with people who believe in me has met with failure after failure. Often being screamed at, kicked out and threatened because I dared to stand up for myself because I didn’t like the way I have been treated.

I started to indulge in some self-criticism and ask what was wrong with me. I was perfectly average with weight, plus I’ve seen much larger people have dozens of friends and relationships who must have been twice my weight so that couldn’t have been it. I have often been complimented for being mature and well mannered when talking to most people so as far as I was concerned that did not have to change. Then I became more inclined to believe that in-spite of proving that I did not have to change one bit of my personality to change from my last year of 6th form. The whole world is insistent that I had to change to meet their specific expectations and that their needs out-weighed mine no matter how much I disagreed. This is even more problematic as it becomes more and more to clear that those people who criticise me know absolutely nothing about me and could not care less about knowing anything more aside from, who I was, where do I live, what I have achieved, what I am going to achieve and where I am going. Almost as if God is looking down on his creations through black and white glasses cutting out colour or any shade of grey. I call this Arrogance that people have such a hate filled opinion with ought getting to know me, judging me completely on face value and no-one making an effort to leave their comfort zones to care for people like me who have such a hard time standing up for themselves. And yet forcing this uphill like tortured Sysipus would and can only result in failure as no one man on earth can possibly topple or abolish a human emotion or a human instinct to be afraid of those they cannot relate to irregardless of context.

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jessicakehoe · 5 years ago

Text

Annie Murphy on Life After Schitt’s Creek, Her “Biggest Heartbreak” and Dan and Eugene Levy

“I’ve learned that fashion is something I really do love and appreciate; it’s art.”

“I remember being quite young and having this feeling of panic that you’ve only got one life.”

“She’s not a bad person; she’s actually quite a good and kind and selfless person. But it was all really deep down and had to be mined out.”

Books, incidentally, are what got Murphy interested in acting in the first place. Her parents, who still live in Ottawa, were both teachers, and her father read to her a lot when she was a child. “I remember being quiteyoung and having this feeling of panic that you’ve only got one life. I think books are the first step to kind of overcoming that, because you can be a different person and live different lives in different places and have different experiences all through books. And then acting is an extension of that—being able to be another person for a while.”

“My house had just burned down, I hadn’t booked a job in two years, I had $400 in my bank account and I’d absolutely shat the bed on my very first screen test out in L.A.”

“It was a serious lesson in losing things, but it was an even bigger lesson that things are just things and can be replaced in one way or another.”

“I realized that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel; you just don’t quite know when you’ll be bathed in it.”

“They’re people I admire as professionals and as human beings. I really want to try and model myself after them as much as possible.”

It’s a reminder, she says, that people should be free to believe in whomever and whatever they like, as long as it isn’t hurting anybody, and to always lead with kindness and empathy.

1/9

Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek for FASHION Magazine

Top, $2,495, Sportmax, pants, $630, Beaufille, and shoes, price upon request, Burberry.

2/9

Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek for FASHION Magazine

Dress, $9,100, Hermès. Earrings, $125, Jenny Bird.

3/9

Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek for FASHION Magazine

Dress, price upon request, and belt, $350, JW Anderson. Boots, $2,500, Hermès.

4/9

Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek for FASHION Magazine

Top, $1,050, Chloé at Holt Renfrew. Jacket, $2,590, Max Mara, and pants, $1,435, Kwaidan Editions, at The Room. Necklaces, from $110, Cuchara. Shoes, price upon request, Burberry.

5/9

Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek for FASHION Magazine

Jacket, price upon request, top, $1,055, and pants, $1,190, Sies Marjan. Earrings, $125, Cuchara. Boots, $2,500, Hermès.

6/9

Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek for FASHION Magazine

Jacket, price upon request, and pants, $1,190, Sies Marjan.

7/9

Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek for FASHION Magazine

Dress, $4,640, Prada. Belt, $350, JW Anderson. Bracelet (worn as necklace), $9,500, Tiffany & Co. Sunglasses, $500, Sportmax.

8/9

Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek for FASHION Magazine

Coat, $4,090, jacket, $2,990, top, $1,720, and skirt, $2,490, Burberry. Bracelet (worn as necklace), $9,500, Tiffany & Co.

9/9

Annie Murphy of Schitt’s Creek for FASHION Magazine

Jacket, $5,900, Dior. Top, $995, Roksanda at The Room. Pants, $1,190, Sies Marjan. Ring, $125, Jenny Bird.

The post Annie Murphy on Life After <em>Schitt’s Creek</em>, Her “Biggest Heartbreak” and Dan and Eugene Levy appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

Annie Murphy on Life After Schitt’s Creek, Her “Biggest Heartbreak” and Dan and Eugene Levy published first on https://borboletabags.tumblr.com/

0 notes