sanrosa

[sanrosa]

Kind people still exist

spoke to an old man on the phone today, and before he hung up he said "God bless you and your family" 🥺 and honestly, my heart has been full since.

[sanrosa]

2024 will be the Year of the Wood Dragon, Welcome!

Art by Hosio Hirotta

[sanrosa]

It's my 8 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[sanrosa]

love is everywhere

[sanrosa]

A high value woman:

Is always in good spirits

Embraces womanhood

Never chases a man

Has a great mindset

Is simple yet graceful

Has a mature outlook on life

She demands respect

She’s soft yet firm

She knows what she deserves

She’s not available all the time

She enjoys life on her own

She has high standards

She’s clean and polished

She knows how to run a household

She has an incredible work ethic

She has self respect and dignity

She exudes confidence

[sanrosa]

04:40am

i think it's time i be honest and open about this. how i feel in relationships, or any romantic connections. what my love language is. and what i want.

i feel like... the concept of what i want in a relationship has gradually looked liked a far-fetched notion, yet it's so easy to obtain. i don't understand. why are the men i meet just not decent enough and soft and funny and loving and trustworthy and empathetic and patient and consistent and respectful and communicative and then have some emotional intelligence? like these things aren't difficult to be. at all.

but then, i guess... i need to learn myself. to learn to be these things i want kwa mna.

anyways, my love language is words of affirmations. i can't conceal it anymore. words of affirmation is high up there for me to feel love from you. do you know how much just a small meaningful compliment means to me? and do you also know how much a hurtful statement can linger in my mind forever and make me lose respect for you? man, words speak a lot to me. i am sensitive to the things i hear. (almost like i am clairaudient) so what i listen to or hear can alter my feelings for a while.

shit, i know this may make me seem sensitive or naive to what people could say to me. but i'm being very honest right now.

and that's all i want to be right now. honest. i want to be honest that i am tired of the shit i have put up with in the past. men who i have dated or done anything intimate with, they've either never complimented me or they've instead made it worse and criticized me. and even my parents who didn't understand the concept of feeding positivity to your children through words. "hey, are you feeling okay?" "I love you, okay? you don't have to worry" "you are the most beautiful and most precious thing ever. the world doesn't know what's coming for them, a smart, beautiful, talented little girl" "you are brave and powerful person. you need to understand that" "your soul is beautiful, your kindness means a lot to others." etc.

none of this stuff, or anything like it, have i heard during my childhood. none!

i just... was trying to hear these things enough to push me to feeling good and better about myself on days where i felt abnormal and wrong or guilty or weird in a sad way. but to be able to instead embrace the good in me. embrace my good qualities and not have to worry too much.

bc what can i embrace them from now if there's no base? where can my mind gather that i am actually amazing and smart and funny and beautiful person... if i've never heard of that shit ??! where? my subconscious knows nothing about that stuff. and at this point, it's too late, my brain is engraved in this mentality of being basic. or even worse: not worthy. of many things. [and then later down the line it turned into imposter syndrome]. because my god where was i supposed to gather that i should love myself more, love myself enough to be able to say no to stuff and set boundaries, or to push myself when it gets hard or to be okay with being different and going a different route as long as it makes me happy or to just show love to others as well because i know love within too?

i was never told these things.

yes, yes, i know you shouldn't need people to tell you who you are and how you should feel about yourself. spare me the confident talk that should make me feel bad about actually being more empathetic than logical. i can't help that i listen to my emotions more tf. is it so bad to be empathic, yet using my logic when it matters? should i just always listen to the mind and never mind the fact that i am human? i contain a soul as much as i contain a brain. they're both there with their functions. and you know what? i balance both. the world right now on the other hand... logic is just the one thing at the forefront of everything. nevermind being empathetic. nevermind caring about others. oh those are old times that dont exist anymore.

yuck. fuck that is just horrible. a horrible existence. all of us just caring about securing the bag, about getting at the highest point of the hierarchy, about obtaining all these things... that don't matter to our hearts. but just matter to our physical environment. no wonder we're dying of depression. we don't listen to each other's emotions. our emotions even. we barely take time to even do that.

man.

i just want... to feel again, on a beautiful note. i want to feel the beauty of life. i'm tired of looking at the sadness.

[sanrosa]

who's your influence when it comes to your style of music and writing?

Honestly, everyone has their own unique sense of writing and crafting their work. Like, everyone. And so do I. I just think of write and follow whatever my brain comes up with.

But with my style of music, I must say Aaliyah is one of my inspirations. Both her music style and fashion sense. As well as Ariana Grande. I love them both with all my heart.

[sanrosa]

Six Inch Heels

She gonn' slay.

[sanrosa]

[sanrosa]

100005 💫

[sanrosa]

[sanrosa]

10:43pm

A month ago, exactly a month ago, I would not have imagined being in the position I am right now. Because a month ago, I still had uni assignments that were still due, I was still living with my one sister and mom, I had just applied for a learnership which I had hoped and prayed so much for - feeling optimistic because of the responses I gave for the interview, I still had a learner's licence that was about to expire and I was blatantly waiting for it to expire because there was no hope whatsoever anymore that I would get a test before it expires (my punctuality cost me a great amount), I still did not know how I'd really execute my vision of getting into the scenes and finally officially put myself out there as a rapper/artist, I still did not know either how I'd take advantage of the platforms I had initiated but did not carry on with (my blogs, youtube channels, twitter accounts, instagram, etc.) and I still had no full set idea of what I was going to do this year, like exactly what I'm working towards by the end of this unexpected gap year. This was all me, a month ago.

A month later... so much has changed, I'm quite amazed. So... I never quite really finished the assignments on time, and well, in summary: I failed. The hour I spent after reading that email, that hour- in pure shock, is one I will never quite forget. How I had emotions too many, yet none. A state of confusion, shock, heartbreak, deep sadness, then numbness, then acceptance, then happiness, then relief and joy. All in a matter of minutes. At the same time, I was trying not to feel either. I convinced myself that it is not that deep, I am strong and I will get through this. Because in a way, I had also expected it, the way things were going. I could not have expected that I pass with flying colours when the effort I was putting was minimal to none. Literally doing things last minute. So, while I was surprised at failing for the first time in my life academically, I honestly did not have anything or anyone else to blame but myself. The responsibility was completely my own and it is in my doing and way of handling my time that I succumbed to this position (of failure). So, yes, I do know that I am at fault. But fr, it just could not erase the fact that I was in shock hey. But I did move on from that rather quickly. And what I took from that moment were two things... A big lesson, and a big advice. The biggest lesson was (and will continue to be, until I truly learn and master it) - How to take control of my time and manage it efficiently! There will not a lesson as big as this one right here for me. Because it has become my biggest weakness and starting to become my most wounding one, unless I start acting right and learn it. I've been losing too much and too many precious things (opportunities, assets, beautiful moments) to my lack of time management skills. And it hurts! So I have no choice anymore other than to fully commit myself to respecting, cherishing and managing my time the way I'm supposed to, to get to exactly where I want to be. And well, I guess I'd say the advice is actually also in this lesson; Practice, practice, practice! Master the art of doing something when I need to and am able to. There's no better time than now. Anyways, next. Well, just a month ago I thought I'd be living with my sister for the year. But, my aunt and cousin came to visit for a weekend, and my cousin did not have a place to stay yet for his school year (res) so we found out he'll be staying with us. For a month. Jiki-jiki, a month later.. Both my sister and my cousin have left. Gone to their residences and off living their lives. As if I expected that?? I should've, right? No. Because my sister never actually said anything about leaving, and I genuinely thought my cousin was actually going to stay like a bit longer because who starts staying in a place in like the middle of the month, you know? So here I am now, lonely and sad they're both gone and I'm just left with my mother, who besides being a really cool and sweet human, likes to naaagg! about almost anything around the house. from the table not being wiped properly, to the windows, to the curtains, to the food and the way it was cooked, to the. Which, I'm not gonna lie, I understand as she is a black parent. I dislike it (extremely), but I do understand. I mean in any case, she probably has a lot of stress already so this is like her way of taking it out I guess (and lmao that is actually exactly what goes through my mind when she nags. I bounce her energy off, and not let it interfere with my energy, by keeping in mind that she's just trying to air out her 'boiling' thoughts, so i should not let it get to my emotions so that I have a bad vibe because the vibe that's been created. and it works like a charm). At the same time though, I'm not trying to paint a picture of her as an extremely 'complaintive' person lol, it's just i think that i'm not used to this energy anymore. I left the nest last year. Now that I've come back, I'm not sure how the hell I was able to handle such energy... cause it is lame as hell. But anyways, my point actually was how sad I am that my sis and cousin left. So abruptly even. Man. At least my cousin (who actually just left this morning) did leave me with something valuable. A truly valuable gift. He taught me how to make a beat. Just a day ago I didn't know practically anything about making beats. Not even the names of the types of instruments (snares, kicks, hi-hats, melodies). But now, I feel like I've unlocked a whole new world of understanding music. Cause now it feels like I even know exactly what went into the beats that these famous artists (Drake, Kanye, Nicki, PND, Cardi) use for the songs. Of course not exactly what they used, but more or less how they made it. And it looks easier now. My journey on being a rapper now looks more lit up cause bitch I'll even be producing my own hits now. Ah! Lol but okay, honestly, that was fire. And I'm truly and eternally grateful he helped with that. I hope he has a blessed year. Alright... next. (sigh) The learnership. Actually this one kinda still hurts deeply so I won't get too in detail about it, but... I did not get the learnership. Though I genuinely felt like I fit the criteria perfectly when I applied, as well as living very near to the workplace. Heaven only knows why I would be given such an opportunity and have the strength to actually take it, yet the outcome is a complete flop. Like I am honestly trying to understand why I even saw the ad in the first place... At such perfect timing (cause I was not going to be taking a gap year this year anyways)... All to just give me unnecessary hope? Why?? Why break my heart like that??? But ok yeah ... Life and shit. Anyways, the learner's licence. Haha, this one is quite interesting actually. Because to be truly honest, I had almost forgotten that I had a learner's licence. And I think it's because in my mind I had obtained the learner's, took driving lessons and had already planned to take the driver's test in PE, however I was in Gtown for most of last year, so it seemed like something that could not happen until I fully got back to PE, which was December. December came and went with all the fun I had and it completely slipped my mind that I could take lessons and a driver's test during the time. Came beginning of January, I'm preparing for school. Still no 'go book a test' in mind, until the middle/end of January (when it became final that I was not going to school this year) and I thought 'oh damn, this would be the perfect time to actually take lessons and book a test then'. Only to find out I am too darn late; the DLTC is all booked out. Oh, how I regretted wasting my time on idk what. 🙂💔 Fortunately, I was not too bummed out, considering I have another whole year to redo this then. Unfortunately, I stumbled upon a post by one of my favourite artists right now, Saweetie, and found out that she is doing a giveaway (brave of me to enter that world again, I know. I don't know what's my problem really) and well, I decided to enter it. Thing is though, it's a giveaway for a whole Tesla. Yes bitch, a whole entire mthrfking TESLA. And my ass is smart enough to think I would win it lol. Okay, God bless my heart. Anyways, so the catch is.... You need a driver's licence. OBVI! But I don't have one. YET! So, uhm, *cough cough* let me f**king book for learner's as soon as the day it expires!... Okay, done! Now let's go take the test 6 days later!... Okay, done! We passed... Done! Wooh. Now let's book for a driver's test as soon as you get home from writing the test cause we excited asf!... LMAO done! Now let's make sure it's a good date and good time astrologically too (cause that lowkey was the case with you writing the learner's test and boom you passed, even tho you didn't even check).... Done! Okay, we almost there, now go book for lessons at One Way (I'm sure they'll have spots for you cause it's a whole month and 3 days before you take your test lmao).... Done! Yay! I have a whole month to practice. Let's get it! Okay well, that's where I stand so far. Tuesday I'm then going to pay the booking fee and stuff. Then, take lessons from both the driving school and with my mother. Then take the test on Weed Day lmao. So after the test I smoke one up and celebrate victory. 😄 All in due time for the giveaway closing after two days. Wows. Whether I win the giveaway or not though, I'll just be glad that it seriously inspired me this much to finally get a driver's licence. Like, it genuinely pushed me hey. So boom I was able to get a licence this year 😁 Urrrniways... Next. My vision. Oh my dear vision. To be a well known female rapper. Beeeen hiding behind the scenes, you'd never know what I'm up to, whether I'm working, I'm playing, I'm being boring, I'm having a blast... or even having a child, chile (lmao). But one thing's for sure, I am still alive. Okay. And I'm just about to be more alive, and you'll even feel more alive... when my ass starts dropping things. Yasss honeyy, dropping my name, dropping that ass, dropping these beats, dropping this sass. Oh shit, here's the real her. Yes, hi. I been working, and I been playing, now let's get to showinnngg.😁 Lol, okay but on the real. A month ago, I really did not know how to execute my vision. In some parts I still don't really, like the cover for my debut EP (photography-wise), who to really contact for first edition EP-listening, and how much it would completely cost to distribute this whole idea/vision (which I'm actually going to have to start becoming my own professional accountant). But in some parts I now do, including important parts like GETTING THE MIC (😪😁 finally! and guess when it came? March 16th. always a special day for me this one), knowing how to produce my own beats here and there (finally 😁), and how exactly to market to a large number of people (😆more views and stuff), then perhaps less important stuff like the outfit I will wear for my very first performance lmao, and posting my stuff on instagram and tiktok (unexpectedly actually), and actually understanding and lowkey connecting with underrated rappers/singers. It's a pretty dope world to see tbh. Overrall... Babbyy, I see you the see the vision now. It's an exciting time to be in. (Side-note: Lmao I highkey lowkey think the moon being in Gemini just impacted me now. cause suddenly I'm on some other mood within writing this post. lmao shit changed quite drastically than when I began writing). Anyways, next. Last but not least... Taking advantage of these platforms, in conjunction with what exactly I will be doing this year. So, a month ago, I had almost forgotten about my astrology blog. Well, let me actually put it this way... I started to kinda cringe at the thought of my blog because it had been a while since I'd posted, so I wasn't too keen on going on to tumblr again. All the notifs, inboxes and deep cringe from noticing how it's been almost 5 months since I last posted something. Likkke... girl, is you serious or not? Lol, but then... an idea got blessed in my head on the 4th of March (a beautiful idea that will start commencing very soon)... How about I start a small business? :? Selling..... Merch. Based on astrology.😁 It is one heck of a win-win situation for me and the people getting interested in astrology now. But of course... I need an audience to sell to. So, (to the Heavens I thank for the day I randomly posted some astrology thing here on tumblr and it actually blew up and I did not even expect that), now I have some people to at least engage and connect with for this business. And I thank the Heavens even more that my idea somehow got transferred into my mom's head and she popped up a question of "Don't you wanna start selling stuff?" or something like that. And hell to yes, I grabbed that opportunity like no other! (but fr, I was shocked first. like what? you read my mind or sumn?) Lol, and so... Mi lady and I talked business and how she'd invested a K for me to check if I'd really be able to handle it. (Oh and perhaps I might add, my dad also did 'invest' a K for me in terms of my music... cause I was able to buy a mic with the money he gave me. Yes, yes, a whole K went into a mic). So I can only genuinely thank God for the people in my life, and how this path is going for me right now. Like, wow. But yeah. Technically, I haven't received the K from Mi lady yet, but that is good because I'd like to get in touch (and get bigger) with my tumblr astro fam again. Then in a couple of weeks, we officially commence. Just in time for me having a driver's licence. So, things can be easier for me pushing my business. :') Lord God, You are great. The greatest. Otherwise... yeah, then other stuff ke like really building my niche on instagram (posting pics and stuff), starting a music/astrology channel on YouTube (which I released my first video today 😁), and already officiated handles on twitter and insta. I'm not too sure if I care about facebook tbh. but yeah, then all that's left is the website itself and a professional email address. then, digitally, we up!

So yeah man... wooh, what a month passing by. never would've thought of all of these things happening. but I can only thank Lord God because it's none other than His doing that's helping me with all of this. Like I actually cannot explain how grateful I am for how kind and amazing He has been to me. and the fact that I'm able to see and understand why these things are happening. some making me really sad, but it's all just to introducing the next that will make me really happy. I am truly blessed man. wow.

God, I thank you. With all my heart and being. All my existence and soul. I thank you.

[sanrosa]

[sanrosa]

@daphisticated/instagram

[sanrosa]

icy girl

[sanrosa]

6:21 am

biggest lesson this year was to learn to forgive. forgive. forgive myself, forgive my family, forgive my friends, forgive the short-lived people that came and left, forgive my school, forgive this year, forgive the energy that came and formed something that would infuse great pain unto me, but pain that would actually make me stronger, forgive everything that broke me down and made me feel so weak, so saddened and so lost, confused and hurt. forgive it and forgive them all. but most most most importantly though, to forgive myself. I have to honestly be kind enough to myself to forgive myself too, for all the dumb shit I do and have done. forgive myself, because I am human too. I deserve the forgiveness and love I give so much to the world. I deserve all the kindness and respect I give so so much to everyone and everything. I deserve the caring nature I give to people. I deserve that exact same energy for myself too. I cannot keep pouring yet not be feeling fulfilled, because I am honestly draining myself by doing that. I need to allow myself to feel joy, happiness, contentment, peace, appreciation, and love. I need that and I want that. So whether I am giving it to myself or people will start giving it back to me... I am receiving it now. Because I know I deserve it. I have been hurt for way way way too long. I want to dwell in love, joy, peace and so much happiness now. No matter where it comes from, like the little things such as finally drinking this cup of coffee to give me a nice buzz to think, or watching a good episode of Steven Universe, to the big things like graduating or making my first R100k off my business/brand. Just the feeling of enjoyment, happiness, positivity, light and fulfilment. I would like that for myself. I deserve it by now. and it will start... with me. forgiving myself, loving myself, respecting myself and being kind myself... then bouncing that energy off to people who deserve it- who deserve my forgiveness, my love, my respect and my kindness.

[sanrosa]

by Brandon Moreno