#i think the less limits u get bc ur parents just...dont care? the more u have to set ur own

[letterstomilen]

i discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)

Childe/Zhongli, Alternate Universe (read part 2 here) When Childe's younger sister tells him about the volunteer at the library, he does not make the connection between that and his new favorite ASMR YouTuber, Rex Lapis.

Childe has a very effective method of getting through college. His little sister, who’s caught him making coffee at three in the morning on more than one occasion the past week alone, would beg to differ. 

“You’re the best older brother,” she starts off, and he’s sure she’s trying to convince herself more than him at this point, “but you need to fix your sleeping habits.” Then, because she’s his little sister, she’d flash him a smile and pat his shoulder reassuringly.

(The comment is not lost on him though. He understands his sleeping situation will eventually wear him down if it hadn’t already, but he believes if he’ll drink a coffee every morning and a Monster every night, he’ll get through three days. By the third day, he’ll hardly be coherent but that doesn’t matter because he’ll conk out for the next twelve hours and then repeat.)

“Don’t worry, Tonia,” he says, trying to sound as reassuring as possible as he contemplates whether it’s worth it or not to swallow a pill of 5-hour energy with his morning coffee. “Once break ends, I’ll get back to normal.”

“You said that six seasons ago.”

Childe frowns, trying to remember if his sleeping schedule was this dysfunctional last year. “Huh?”

“The Walking Dead seasons,” Tonia clarifies, as if she’s not twelve years old and the show is for grown adults. He thinks. He hasn’t checked Commonsensemedia ever since La Signora labeled him as a “helicopter parent” and his Netflix tab has been playing How to Get Away with Murder as background noise for the past few weeks.

Isn’t it a show about zombies though? Tonia’s sheepish smile tells it all, because it’s the same exact guilty look he had when he got caught red-handed as a kid.

(Once he remembers later, Childe promises himself, he’ll check out The Walking Dead.)

“Oh. Well. I have a lot of shows to catch up on, you know. Not to mention a ton of my professors gave me reading for over the break.”

A half lie. They did give him a lot of reading because each professor assumed that their classes were his only one, and with seven days left, he still has a textbook worth of reading to go through. But there are no shows that Childe would sacrifice his precious sleep for. As a matter of fact, he would love to sleep. He’s spent the majority of his classes back in high school sleeping and faking attention, saving his grade at the last minute — it was quite the extreme sport really, if he says so himself.

Whenever he tries to sleep recently, his thoughts run at several hundred miles per hour, and he spends several hours staring at the ceiling before succumbing to the computer at his desk and watching trashy movies. At this point, he must have gone through the entire romance comedy list on Netflix. (Not a proud point in his life but if anybody ever wanted him to give a list of best to worst romance comedy movies, he now has one.)

Tonia, on the other hand, isn’t incredibly convinced.

Admittedly, the excuse was lame. Also, he can’t easily lie to his little sister, who’s far shrewder than he takes her for at times.

“You never start your reading in advance. You like to speed read it right before your class or watch a five-minute video on the chapters while your teachers take attendance. But that’s… uh, ‘a bad work ethic.’” Tonia looks immensely proud of herself as she says this, finishing it off with, “Zhongli told me that.”

“Zhongli?” he repeats, trying to remember if that’s one of her classmates or some stranger that’s hoping to kidnap his sister.

“The guy that volunteers at the library sometimes. He recommended me a loot of good books to read, but he talks like an old man.”

“How old?” Childe can tell she’s enjoying this — talking about her new friend at the library that he’ll probably have to run a background check on.

“Like he’s in his sixties or something. But he looks… actually, he looks your age! And he’s a student too. I told him all about you.”

Well, that doesn’t sound very reassuring coming from the mouth of a twelve-year-old. He’s not sure if that translates to his social security number, his current dilemma, or just that he’s her older brother.

“Like all of the stories you told me when I was a kid. And then when Lumine came to pick me up, she stayed to show him pictures of you too.”

“Of course she did,” he mumbles, ruffling her hair. One of these days he’s going to move without telling his classmates and the twins won’t enter his apartment unannounced. (But Tonia adores their company and the stories they tell her far too much for him to actually do it. But that doesn’t mean he’s above making threats when they tell his little sister about the bet he made about white-out and how it could dye hair. The jury is still out on this one.) “She’s just mad because I get away with it and she doesn’t. But don’t do it yourself. It’s a bad habit,” he adds, remembering that he should at least try to be a good influence on his younger sister when he can.

“Okaaay,” she says unconvincingly, before shaking her hair and running off to her room with lunch he prepared for her.

Watching her close the door and no doubt continue her binge of The Walking Dead, he takes out his phone and texts Lumine.

 Childe

12:35

ur a horrible influence on tonia

 Childe

12:35

and whos this ZHONGLI

 Childe

12:35

also is twd appropriate for 12 y/os

 Twin 1

12:37

a normal person would say hi

 Twin 1

12:37

also 1. me n aether watched it when we were 12 so probably and 2. some guy at the library that also goes to our school

 Well. At least he’s somebody they know. But The Walking Dead?

 Childe

12:38

thats not very convincing

 Childe

12:38

also dont ppl DIE? get BITTEN???? what if she gets nightmares

 Twin 1

12:39

isnt she 12 r u telling me u weren’t watching R rated movies at 12

 Childe

12:42

thats very different from a 10 season long show that is hailed as “one of the greatest horror shows in history” and “paved the way for post-apocalyptic horror”

 Twin 1

12:42

well if she has trouble sleeping she could always watch asmr. that helps me during midterms idk

 Childe

12:42

whats asmr

 Childe

12:43

asking for my sister btw

 Twin 1

12:44

A feeling of well-being combined with a tingling sensation in the scalp and down the back of the neck, as experienced by some people in response to a specific gentle stimulus, often a particular sound.

 Childe

12:45

wtf?

 Twin 1

12:45

people on the internet make random sounds or just talk into a mic n its supposed to be very relaxing. how have u never found out abt this?????

 Childe

12:45

idk the only thing on my youtube recommended r greatest stunts and chapter review videos

 Twin 1

12:47

… makes sense

 Twin 1

12:47

check out rex lapis’ channel he looks like ur type

 Childe

12:48

i thought we were talking about my sister????

 Twin 1

12:50

[message screenshots.jpg]

 Twin 1

12:50

ya she told me everything

 Twin 1

12:50

have fun i need to convince aether to not commit arson bc of his TA

 Childe

12:51

hope he does it

He opens his Youtube app, typing in Rex Lapis and expecting Lumine’s suggestion to be a joke. Despite them being friends for nearly two years now, she’s never made any indication of knowing his type. And he’s sure he’s never been that vocal about it either, only shooting appreciative looks at history majors and paying more attention than necessary to the TA for ‘Tradition of Justice and Law.’ (It’s unfortunate that those short-term crushes never led to anything, but maybe that’s for the better seeing that Childe has never understood the appeal of relationships.)

It is an ASMR channel, judging by the ASMR playlist he finds as he scrolls through the account. The icon shows no face — only a microphone — which leaves him skeptical. Most of the video titles belong in a petrology lecture as well, which makes him even more convinced that it’s a joke. He finds a few readings of ancient literature and decides to pick ‘I discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)’ because that’s exactly what he needs. (Not the very moment — but ten hours later when he’s in the bed memorizing the pattern of his ceiling wondering why he stole from his fifth grade teacher’s candy jar during lunch.)

When Childe opens the video, he damn near gasps.

The man in the video is exactly his type. His eyes are a soft amber color, framed with long lashes, and it’s almost enough for him to lose his dignity and message Lumine a long thank you text about how she is always right and he’ll pay for her coffee for the following week.  He smiles at the screen, albeit a little sheepishly, dark hair framing his face with a long ponytail that Childe can’t see the end of. On his right ear, there are a pair of earrings with a single feather that brush against his neck when he moves his head.

Even before he speaks, Childe is mesmerized, sure he’ll already memorize his features from the curve of his nose to the way he tilts his head, displaying the expanse of his neck.

Really — he reminds him of actors in historical dramas, the way he sits regally, and how he speaks. His voice is low and slow as he adopts a careful manner of speaking, leaning into the mic.

“I’m Rex Lapis, and I’ll be discussing igneous petrology today, which is part one in a three-part petrology series. I apologize in advance, seeing that my knowledge is limited compared to many petrologists out there but my friend Venti said that many of my viewers are here for my voice, so I’m very excited to start today’s video.”

Holy shit.

For the following week, Childe learns less about petrology, the philosophy of economics, and historical revisionism concerning matters of war and more about Rex Lapis, who is not in love with his voice but often finds himself in the middle of long tangents without explanations. His favorite book series is the Legend of the Lone Sword, which he says he’ll look forward to reading out loud for the channel. (Childe replays that part of the video again and again, captivated by his excitement as he mindlessly taps the mic while he speaks, his tangent cutting off mid-word — as it usually does, much to his dismay.)

His guilty obsession is not lost on Tonia, who realizes that instead of drinking Monster every night he’s been engrossed in his phone completely, often not noticing her or when the water starts bubbling. But because his sleeping schedule has been alleviated, she says nothing until Lumine comes over as she always does, not forgetting their weekly schedule of watching trashy movies while leeching off of Childe’s food.

Because he doesn’t trust the twins with the kitchen — even if they can cook — she instead spends her time sitting next to Tonia and spreading more of her anti-Childe propaganda while they wait. This usually involves Tonia occasionally calling out Childe’s name and asking, “Is that true?” or “Did you really do that?”

This time is different though.

Worried that Lumine finally decided to show Tonia a video of last semester’s presentation, he leans over, looking at the computer screen.

And he’s wrong. Unfortunately. Maybe it should’ve been his presentation because even if he botched it and accidentally projected his work process — screaming notes and all — to the class instead of his actual presentation, it would’ve been better than the two of them watching one of Rex Lapis’ videos together.

The ‘I read Erosion: Essays of Undoing to you as it rains outside’ video, to be specific, which is where Rex Lapis is embarrassed by Venti mid video when asked if this was his idea of a date with a lover. (And then it ends with Rex Lapis asking for video suggestions from the commentors, his face still flushed from the previous comments.)

Oh God — oh fuck.

“So he is your type,” Lumine says, her expression a bit too smug for his liking. Tonia looks half awake, scrolling through articles as the video plays, more interested in ‘Top 10 Glenn Rhee Moments’ than Childe’s crush. Her expression is a bit guilty as she does so — she’s biting her lip and avoiding his gaze, but he assumes that it’s just because they went through his YouTube history.

“I can neither confirm nor deny that statement,” he retorts, but the YouTube history she pulls up once Tonia hands the computer over to her says it all. (It’s quite mortifying, really — even Tonia is giving him a look, but it’s not as bad as Lumine’s shit eating grin.)

“Well… he does have a nice voice,” Childe finally says, thinking that perfectly encompasses his most recent obsession. Because he does have a nice voice — it’s soothing and speaks to him without really speaking to him directly. (The good looks are a bonus, he assures himself. A fantastic bonus, but a bonus nonetheless.)

“He does,” Tonia confirms, smiling toothily up at him, and he resists the urge to ruffle her hair with Lumine staring at him so skeptically. “But I don’t understand much of what he’s saying. He — heh — talks like an old man.”

“Don’t worry, Tonia, your brother likes him because he’s attractive,” Lumine informs her, now fast forwarding on one of Rex Lapis’ videos. “Did you know that he lives nearby?”

“Huh?”

The knife he’s holding clatters to the floor, and the two look down and back up at him with— hold on, why does it feel like they’re in on a secret he doesn’t know about?

“Yeah, he’s working on his grad thesis I think… Aether told me it was about something on history,” she muses. “That’s why I recommended his channel to you. He’s a bit of a celebrity in his department.” Childe’s sure his jaw dropped now, trying to maintain his facial expression as he takes out a new knife to chop up the onions.

“Really,” he tries to say as calmly as possible, wondering how he should accompany Aether to his lectures without trying to seem as obvious as possible. His voice is a bit shaky he realizes but he can’t quite make the connection between Rex Lapis and actual graduate student that goes to his university.

“Yeah, actually…” Lumine is definitely pretending to think now, enjoying this far too much. “He—”

“It’s Zhongli!” his little sister yells excitedly, practically jumping up and down at this point as if she won the lottery. “Zhongli runs an ASMR channel and he talks just like that in real life! Right, Lumine?”

“Yeah.”

Childe sighs, holding a hand up to his face. The realization that he’s been obsessed with the same guy that hears about every stupid thing he did secondhand is way too much — and the fact that he’s been listening to his voice every night before he went to bed the past week is way too much. He’s sure his face is redder than before judging by the amused expressions on Lumine’s and Tonia’s faces — really, they’re mirror images of each other right now.

Not for the first time, Childe swears to himself that he’ll never let her into his apartment without signing a contract ever again.

[szivtalan]

character ask: kagami, momoi, alex and himuro 👀👀👀

!!! omg thank u Ceru! u might be one of my favorite mutuals <33 (putting this under a read more just so I can speak at lengths about each individual character)

Why I like Kagami: this is where I sarcastically ask “why DON’T i like him” but that’s literally the next question so; he’s everything i want to be and more. He has the determination and the willpower to make his own dreams come true, he’s gay as shit, he’s tall and buff and well-adjusted, mature enough to live on his own at an annoyingly young age, he’s funny and dumb and a total himbo as well as an excellent advisor bc of how grounded he is.

Why I don’t: I’m... not really good with explosive people. Violent men with loud voices especially scare me, and I’d think I’d flinch around him a lot and that would make me rlly anxious.

Favorite episode: it’s a toss-up between the Seirin fam visiting his place for the first time (is it where Kuroko confesses his love to him and then passes out in his arms? idk), and the onsen episode. I also loved all his plays against Kise and Aomine. AND the training camp w him running a lot in the sand.

Favorite season/movie: season 2 probably because he’s not a jerk anymore, but he’s still on his way to shed off any asshole behavior stuck to him. And I actually liked Last Game?

Favorite line: “There’s no such thing as useless effort.” and “This is our drama and we write the plot.” because he’s so ridiculous.

Favorite outfit: all of his casual fits... comfy but manly is my Jam

OTP: AoKaga....they’re truly soulmates, star-crossed lovers, canonically brought together by fate.

Brotp/otp no. 2: KagaKuro, I love them

Head Canon: I have several collections because I think too much about this boy, but here’s something I think about his family: he doesn’t know what happened to his mom. He never asked, because it wasn’t relevant, and he didn’t want to inconvenience his dad by questioning him. Occasionally, as a kid he felt like he was missing out on something (seeing other kids with their moms, feeling like they’re being treated with much more gentle care because they have moms), but as he grew older he realized that nurturing behavior shouldn’t have been limited to only a mother, and that he was just straight up neglected without any regards to missing a parent in his life.

Unpopular opinion: I never realized this was an unpopular opinion but I’m glad he went back to America at the end of Last Game. Obviously, it’s sad that he had to separate from the others, but I felt like Japanese basketball has always been just a stepping point to him, and now that he’d beat the best of them, it was time to move on. And it also warms my heart that him getting scouted in the US gave Aomine hope to aim big, too. I felt like both of them would’ve felt trapped in Japan with their skill sets.

A wish: I want him to be happy and gay and to confront Himuro and tell him how hurt he was by how he treated him and probably do the same to his dad too

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: ....whatever I’d say Shinsun has probably written it/will write it, but I don’t want him to forget about the GoM just because he becomes a world-famous athlete.

5 words to best describe them: sweet child with anger issues

My nickname for them: not mine (it’s Sypha’s) but “Kags”, Kagami, Tigerboy, Kagababe, Baby

Why I like Momoi: she is SO nurturing and sweet and she cares so much about her boys!! I’m sorry it always turns into “how they remind me of myself” but actually I get feeling like a background character and being the moral/emotional/physical support of those who are more talented or in any way better than you. I feel a strange kind of kinship with her and also,,, feminine girls make my heart stop, and it doesn’t get more feminine than Momoi. Added: Aomine aside, the Touou team wouldn’t worth shit without her skills tbh, and she’s not in any way less than the GoM. Also, I appreciate her being the one person to try to keep their friend group together.

Why I don’t: Analytical People Scare me like!! how do u know stuff people are Unknowable!! I usually am also irked by her pointing out Riko’s breast size but I can just pretend that’s in a gay way (maybe Momoi likes girls with small boobs and she’s just bad at flirting) (also I don’t exactly liked her calling Aomine a “ganguro” but I have too little knowledge on the use of this word to say exactly why)

Favorite episode (scene if movie): uh the one where Aomine made her cry? It really came through how much love she actually has for her friends at that one.

Favorite season/movie: she was great in all of them!!

Favorite line: I can’t remember the exact quote and Google isn’t really helpful either but the one where she made Kuroko promise they’ll always play together or something? Or that they’re gonna beat Aomine?? idk?

Favorite outfit: I like all of them but mostly I just appreciate her wearing so many hoodies, she looks so cute in them

OTP / Brotp: it’s both AoMomo. I feel like the have the most special and strongest bond in the entire series.

Head Canon: She’s never been shown to do, but I feel like she wears Aomine’s clothes a Lot. Also, they definitely have sleepovers To This Day.

Unpopular opinion: Momoi is good at basketball and she loves playing!!! But try being successful in it when ur opponents are Giants and Way More Buff than you are

A wish: I wish people appreciated her more!! Both in fandom and in canon. She’s an amazing person and she has her own skills and strengths that are rarely explored or even mentioned anywhere.

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: her falling out with her boys ;-; I do not want that

5 words to best describe them: strawberry sweetheart to steal ur heart

My nickname for them: Satsuki :> I feel like it’s a little too much to call characters on their first names sometimes but hers is so cute I can’t

Why I like Alex: yet again another woman with an extensive skill set. I love her persistence and again I appreciate getting disillusioned and finding your way back to the thing you love. Also it’s just sweet that she did that by teaching (again, something I can relate to)

Why I don’t: the whole “kissing children” thing rubbed me the wrong way but again, just like Momoi’s obsession with comparing breast sizes, it’s just bad/sexist writing from Fujimaki probably

Favorite episode (scene if movie): adshg any and all where she expressed that Himuro and Kagami are equally important to her <33 that shit makes my heart burst

Favorite season/movie: she only appears towards the end of s2 and in s3 so... I guess s3?

Favorite line: its so Bad that u literally can’t find the iconic quotes of these iconic ladies anywhere but... her story on finding her passion again through teaching kids, and anytime she mentions her fondness of Kagami and Himuro.

Favorite outfit: her iconic olive green coat with the short red shorts... wtf was that I loved it.

OTP: she doesn’t really interact with people her age but I’ve heard she’s shipped with Masako Araki and I’ve seen some seriously good fanarts and like... Yes Good I’d Love To See It

Brotp: I feel like her and Himuro would be that sassy pair that Kagami tries and fails to contain and they get into all sorts of weird, absurd situations asdjs what I’m trying to say is Kagami has to bail them out of jail from time to time

Head Canon: fck me if I’m wrong but she’s the lesbian single mom of the two gay kids she reluctantly adopted from the streets

Unpopular opinion: it’s more like another headcanon, but she can dunk and she taught Kagami how to do it.

A wish: I’d love her to coach the Seirin fam more!! Pls let her be part of her children’s lives (she could also judge streetball games between the goms it would be fun)

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: anything about her being romantically involved with her pupils makes me.................no

5 words to best describe them: Beautiful Beach Blonde Basketball....goddess

My nickname for them: Alex!! sometimes An Icon

Why I like Himuro: em dash Asdgsdj I’m joking, I’m becoming more and more fond of the boy. Once I realized that he shouldn’t have been the “bigger person” in that situation and one year doesn’t really mean much when you’re that young and that hurt, I realized he’s actually a good and hard-working kid and I’m sorry for giving him so much shade. Also I really like his snark and sass, but that might not even be canon at this point tbh

Why I don’t: I’m still sort of irked by him beating down on Kagami because he was envious/mad, but I realized the aspect of that situation that Really got to me was how devoted Kagami still was to him after all that. That devotion was what felt toxic, nothing that Himuro actually did to him.

Favorite episode (scene if movie): the time they met up w Kagami just to exchange a dramatic socially distancing bro fist and a few encouraging words.... gays be Like That

Favorite season/movie: I really didn’t mind s3 Himuro

Favorite line: apparently he’s said some iconic stuff that I don’t remember (and my sources don’t seem really legit) but I’m gonna say “let’s see you become number 1, bro” because again, that’s just so ridiculous and endearing. On one hand he really went from loathing Kagami to rooting for him and wanting him to reach his full potential and on the other, honey ur  like 17 stop speaking like That

Favorite outfit: his knitted V-neck sweaters and the black coat with the white fur.... boy’s got all the fashion sense that’s missing from Kagami

OTP: can I say.....AoHimu asdfh I ship 3/4 of these characters with Aomine what does that say about me

Brotp: KagaHimu. They can be sweet, but I’ve only ever seen Jake write them really well

Head Canon: I’ve been entertaining the idea of....trans Himuro.....

Unpopular opinion: everyone thinks that Kagami is the violent kid and Himuro is the chill, sweet child who’s somehow wound up with this mess of a fiery tiger, but it’s actually Himuro who taught Kagami how to fight and Kagami learned quite a lot of aggression from him

A wish: I feel like Himuro should’ve gotten a separate episode to explore his thoughts, feelings and past. He had so much potential as a character Is2g

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: him quitting basketball would fucking destroy me. I’d be devastated for others too, but it would really pull on my heartstrings if he just dropped the only thing he’s been so passionate about.

5 words to best describe them: gender-non-conforming emo child

My nickname for them: Himu, Tatsuya, Tatsu

[cilliantm-blog]

                   `   𝒆𝒍𝒍𝒐  !!!  its  𝒔𝒐𝒑𝒉𝒊𝒆  here  (  but  u  can  call  me  soph  ...  we’re  all  friends  here  )  ,  a  not  so  proud  gmt-er  ,  who  uses  she/her  pronouns  .  i'm  so  excited  to  get  to  know  u  all  and  ur  beaut  muses  ,  write  up  some  Chaos  &  just  ...  have  a  whale  of  a  time  .  if  you  feel  like  plotting  up  a  storm  ,  give  this  post  a  like  OR  feel  free  to  hmu  on  discord  @ (๑•́‧̫•̀๑)#5013  (  though  i  admittedly  do  check  it  less  often  bc  ...  i  have  0  attention  span  🤡  )

𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠  here  and  do  i  have  the  tea  for  you  .  𝐂𝐈𝐋𝐋𝐈𝐀𝐍   is  back  on  campus  ,  which  is  surprising  considering  the  threatening  note  i  left  them  .  yes  ,  i  know  all  about   𝐇𝐈𝐒  𝐈𝐍𝐕𝐎𝐋𝐕𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓  𝐈𝐍  𝐇𝐈𝐒  𝐁𝐑𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑'𝐒  𝐃𝐑𝐔𝐆  𝐀𝐃𝐃𝐈𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍  because  of  their   𝐆𝐋𝐔𝐓𝐓𝐎𝐍𝐘 .  imagine  the  tabloids  and  how  the   𝐊𝐎𝐖𝐀𝐋𝐒𝐊𝐈  family  would  feel  for  such  information  to  come  out  ,  not  to  mention  the  reputation  of  𝐒𝐈𝐆𝐌𝐀  because  of  their  actions  .  at  this  rate  ,  he  is  better  off  staying  put  in  𝐒𝐀𝐍  𝐉𝐎𝐒𝐄  ,  𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐀  and  living  off  that   𝟔𝟓𝐌  family  net  worth  .  what’s  the  point  in  studying  𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐔𝐓𝐄𝐑  𝐄𝐍𝐆𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆  with  plans  to  𝐁𝐄𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐄  𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐍𝐄𝐗𝐓  𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐕𝐄  𝐉𝐎𝐁𝐒  ,  is  it  worth  it  with  what  i  know  ?  anyways  ,  they  may  want  to  continue  to  be   𝐉𝐎𝐂𝐔𝐋𝐀𝐑  &  𝐄𝐐𝐔𝐀𝐁𝐋𝐄  because  the  𝐅𝐀𝐂𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐔𝐒  &  𝐅𝐈𝐂𝐊𝐋𝐄  attributes  make  me  want  to  spill  .   

𝐅𝐔𝐋𝐋 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄  :  cillian  filip  kowalski  .

𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐄 𝐎𝐅 𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐇  :  22nd  march  .

𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑 / 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐍𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐒  :  cismale  /  he/him  .

𝐒𝐄𝐗𝐔𝐀𝐋 𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍  :  bisexual  .

𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐂 𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍  :  heteroflexible  .

𝐇𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐎𝐖𝐍  :  san  jose  ,  california  .

𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐍𝐈𝐂 𝐎𝐑𝐈��𝐈𝐍  :  polish  ,  irish  .

𝐒𝐏𝐎𝐊𝐄𝐍 𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐔𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐒  :  english  ,  polish  ,  german  .

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃

leon  &  antonia  kowalski  had  only  ever  planned  on  having  one  child  whom  they  would  raise  to  take  over  the  legendary  kowalski  &  co  pharmaceutics  .  their  dream  was  founded  in  the  birth  of  their  son  ,  jeffrey  .  what  they  hadn't  bargained  on  was  antonia  falling  pregnant  a  second  time  ,  almost  three  years  later  .  the  arrival  of  their  second  child  was  therefore  met  with  a  sense  of  indifference  .  there  were  no  great  plans  for  cillian  ;  their  hopes  &  dreams  already  instilled  in  their  first  -  born  .  instead  cillian  was  viewed  as  more  of  a  back  -  up  plan  ,  in  case  their  first  trial  run  was  unsuccessful  .

it's  safe  to  say  that  cillian  grew  up  in  his  brother's  shadow  ;  although  he  was  an  intelligent  kid  ,  he  never  quite  had  the  same  edge  as  his  brother  -  an  arguable  child  genius  .  the  attention  and  affection  he  didn't  gain  from  his  parents  ,  however  ,  was  gained  by  his  peers  .  jeffrey  had  grown  up  under  a  strict  ,  watchful  eye  -  whereas  cillian  had  been  able  to  roam  much  more  freely  .  he  had  the  one  skill  that  jeffrey  lacked  -  charisma  .  

in  a  strange  way  ,  as  the  two  grew  ,  cillian  took  on  the  role  as  the  leader  .  in  their  teens  he'd  help  jeffrey  sneak  out  to  parties  ,  or  slip  some  vodka  into  his  drink  while  their  father's  gaze  was  turned  .  

the  older  he  got,  the  more  cillian  had  to  fight  and  claw  his  way  to  find  a  thrill  .  eventually  he  turned  to  drugs  ,  and  of  course  drug  jeffrey  with  him  .  the  difference  ?  cillian  didn't  grow  to  depend  &  could  leave  the  drugs  at  the  party  ,  whereas  his  brother  would  grow  to  become  extremely  reliant  .  fast  forward  to  present  day  ,  and  jeffrey  is  nowhere  to  be  found  -  along  with  a  hearty  portion  of  the  kowalski  family  fund  &  a  deeply  rooted  drug  dependency  that  cillian  feels  largely  responsible  for  .  

𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

upon  first  meeting  ,  people  often  underestimate  cillian's  intelligence  because  he  gives  off  HUGE  dumbass  energy  .  i  suppose  you  could  say  he's  clever  but  with  limited  common  sense  .  which  isn't  helped  by  his  lack  of  filter  -  the  boy  will  say  anything  that  comes  to  mind  without  so  much  as  a  blink  (  much  to  his  parents'  dismay  )  .  

generally  he's  a  pretty  open  book  ,  and  isn't  completely  emotionally  unattached  (  truly  shocking  for  me  i  LOVE  to  damage  my  muses  )  ,  though  he  isn't  the  most  emotionally  sensitive  of  people  ...  he  can  kinda  be  an  ass  without  meaning  to  ?  has  a  big  heart  but  a  tiny  brain  ?

kind  of  a  fuck  boy  because  we  love  that  !  i'm  gonna  be  Real  and  say  he's  probably  never  had  a  serious  partner  ...  but  a  whole  lot  of  messy  '  wHaT  aRe  We  '  situations  *cue  cillian  running  away*

surprisingly  does  actually  care  about  his  studies  ???  it's  probably  not  expected  of  him  but  he  does  actually  want  to  succeed  n  do  well  ,  and  he  100%  has  the  potential  to  ...  but  can  also  get  a  little  distracted  :/  kinda  like  a  lost  lamb  who  needs  to  be  steered  back  onto  track  

kinda  thinks  hes  the  best  but  also  the  worst  :/  like  he's  not  traumatised  by  his  childhood  or  anything  ,  but  KNOWING  your  parents  dont  really  care  for  your  existence  has  GOT  to  fuck  with  your  mind  at  least  a  little  .  he  doesn't  exactly  push  people  away  or  anything  ,  but  he  does  have  a  sort  of  lone  wolf  mindset  .  of  course  he  has  lots  of  '  friends  '  ,  but  those  he  really  considers  close  are  quite  few  .  

i  don't  know  what  else  to  say  rn  but  i'm  sure  stuff  will  come  to  me  during  plotting  .  i'm  not  gonna  list  wanted  connections  because  i  prefer  to  brainstorm  a  lil  first  but  :)  yes  .  plots  pls  .

[servphims-blog]

this is gonna be a whole MESS bc its 3am but !! i rly wanted to post this now bc im already late and i didnt want to be even MORE late ! ANYWAYS hello my name’s ellie, ur local the boyz stan, 20, and from the cest tz which is … gmt+2 i think ?? this here is my child fei that i may or may not have created specifically for this rp so im still figuring her out :/ pls bear with me ! i don’t have a bio page up yet but i do have her profile right HERE and i’ll try n write some more important things under the cut c: if you’d like to plot, dont hesitate to click the lil heart and i’ll slide into ur ims – you can also find me on discord as rilakkumas#2155 if that works better for you !

OKAY SO feifei was born as the only daughter of a pretty affluent pureblood family in beijing, china. her parents, while initially over the moon because of the pregnancy, had completely different reactions once the child was actually born. while her mother held the baby close to her chest, already in love with the tiny girl, her father turned around and walked straight out the door he’d come through. after all, it was no secret that he wanted a boy – someone who, in his eyes, would be a better fit for the role of his heir

fei grows up without a father, really. he’s almost never home – most of the time he’s out gallivanting with his newest conquest, leaving his wife alone; or if he is home, he just pretends the child doesn’t exist. it hurts at first, she’s not gonna lie. young fei does everything in her power to get his attention. she tries being sweet. then she lashes out and throws tantrums every other day. then she thinks that maybe if she ignores him too, he’ll be the one to crack first. and then – she just gives up. if you asked now, she’d call herself pathetic – though only because she pities the girl who got her hopes up a million times, just to have them shot down just as many

a couple of months after her eleventh birthday, she gets two letters – one marked with the hogwarts crest, and another with the mahoutokoro one. her father insists on sending her to japan. the standard is much better, he says; and they only accept the best of the best. i will not allow my daughter to go and live with those – those – those brutes!!!!

she picks hogwarts almost immediately – if only to spite her father

not that fei doesn’t like hogwarts. quite the opposite really. at first, it’s mainly because of the fact she’s so far away from home and her parents and their controlling regimen. here she has the upper hand. she strips away the last remains of the starry eyed fool she once was, and builds herself anew – a lot more charming, and a lot more persuasive – a person fit to wear the silver-green colors of the house she was sorted in

she can honestly be pretty fake ?? the type of person to make you believe you’re best friends when in reality she couldn’t care less about you. fei learns how to change her entire personality depending on who she’s around, in order to get whatever it is she needs – so she’s almost always around people, but most of the friendships she has are superficial bc of this

horrible at dealing with her own problems/emotions !! 99.9% of the time she will ignore them until they either a) go away or b) escalate into something much worse ( it’s mostly b tbh )

very prone to escapism via anything and everything that will get her mind off her problems :/ she usually has p good self-restraint and knows her limits, but can go overboard at times

can be pretty impulsive, and doesn’t really care about any consequences that may come out of it. she can be pretty responsible i guess – but only when and if she wants to

regularly uses the prefects bathroom even though she’s not one. how? she probably talked someone into giving her all the passwords. she can be pretty manipulative – but if it gets her what she wants, then it’s worth the trouble

im probs gonna make a separate page later on, but as far as plots go ?? would absolutely love some friends for this child – anything from superficial friendships to frenemies to actual best friends ? someone who knows what fei is actually like ? slytherin squad too please and thank u ! enemies would be fun – maybe they found out how fake fei can be, maybe she only used them to get something she wanted and they found out, maybe they just hate each other from the first day in the castle ( the possibilities are endless !! ) someone who actually manipulates her for their own benefit? also fwbs bc she’d have a lot of them, exes (angst????) enemies to lovers ( my fav trope of all times ), old crushes OR current crushes – unrequited ones too ? could be fun to see fei stumble over her words and not know what to do for once. maybe you catch her in the middle of her regular bubble bath in the prefect’s bathroom ( she’s not really supposed to be there, but you won’t tell – right? right?? ), class partner that she just CAN’T seem to get along with because both of them are too stubborn and won’t admit they’re wrong etc. bUT obvi im also open for brainstorming as these are all pretty basic !

uuuuh i think thats about it ?? im on -10 braincells rn so idk if any of this makes sense and there’s probs a LOT more im forgetting BUT this will have to do for now ^v^ ily ❤❤❤

[lebannabell]

now for some dnd asks for you!!!! 5, 8, 11, 15

dnd ask meme!~send me qs!~

5. What is your best dice set? I love All My Dice but my first set (chessix blue-green gemini) are probably my most blessed set, they roll high (mostly [that one time i rolled a 3,2, then 3 to climb a tree is still frustrating]) but also they were my first set and a gift and they always remind me of my first character and when I first started playing - which was a really important thing to me because it was something that brought me a lot of joy in a time i was seriously lacking it;;; anygay this got sentimental but those r probably my Best set (but fr tho i love all my dice so much theyre all Significant to me)

8. What does your dream dice set look like? This is a super hard question bc i dont think theres really One Set that would be like my Ideal set? Theres so many options out there and im very weak for a lot of them ( but gods i wish i could get my hands on those kraken cotton candy dice [im gon buy some kraken dice soon but those were limited edition so i guess ill die]) 

11. Have you ever rolled a natural 1? What happened? i have rolled so many nat 1s……. the dice goes into dice jail and is shamed for its villiany.. i trip and shoot myself in the foot instead of the enemy;; Bad Things Happen

15. What is your characters background story? I have seven characters that I play/have played and i know imma write an wild amount so im gonna put this under a cut!

Wren, elf rogue - Mines of Phandelver Wren was raised a member of the high elf House of Naïlo, but as a young girl grew tired of trying to garner the attention of parents who simply didn’t care about their daughter except as a prop for conversation. At the equivalent human age of 15, she ran away from home and made a new life for herself on the streets of Neverwinter. Wren spent the next several decades making her name as a criminal, and honing her skills in thievery, until she picked up a job at the local tavern that led her to her Biggest Adventure(god im so sentimental abt wren she really derailed shit and was such a dick but she was so fun i love her)

Eldan Caridalas, half elf sorcerer - Storm About To BreakEldan grew up in a small village, and went by his child name of Taryn (meaning thunder, inspired by his Wild Magic). He lived a happy childhood, with admittedly, some strange moments brought on by his unpredictable magic, but he got through any difficulties with his best friend and essentially soulmate, Alcea (played by another player in the group! shoutout to ash for working w me to make these beautiful kids lmao). When Eldan was around 14, he had another surge of wild magic,  but this one was far worse than all the others had been (when i was workshopping this with ash and dint know what exactly it was going to be yet we called it “The Big Bad”) - He had been speaking with alceas mother when all of a sudden an intense bolt of fire sprung from him, melting the skin off his left arm, and fatally wounding alceas mother. Eldan, unable to cope with what his supposed gift had done, fled the village without a word to anyone, and spent the next 14 years travelling the land, searching for a way to try and control his magic, to avoid hurting anyone ever again. Eldan eventually found his way to the entrance to the unexplored east lands where he ran into his childhood friend once again(eldan was such a Good boy im still sad about what happened to him he deserved better give me #justice for my boy)Reckoning, tiefling monk - one shot run by my friend claudio b4 he moved interstateReckoning was abandoned on the steps of a temple as a baby once her parents saw the devilish heritage in her. She was raised by monks in a temple to The Raven Queen, and she was trained and charged to become an assassin that took down those who went against the natural order of death. She was on her way to one such mission when she ran into a group of strangers in the woods and after promptly finding out one of them was (supposedly) claiming to be a false god, and pushing them into the nearby well, was lassooed and pulled down there with them to deal with the Creature within(will i ever make a not extra character? no.)Ari, human druid, fighter, and rogue (i know) - one shot battle royaleI was originally just going to make a level 15 barbarian for this one shot (rip ragna one day u might get played) but then i was like;; i may as well make the messiest multiclass i can Ari grew up with his older brother as his guardian, but then his brother was killed in a gang accident, and ari had to learn to fend for himself on the street. After many years of struggle, and losing a younger boy he had begun to think of as family, ari sought shelter in the forests, and had just started to discover the magic held within, when he was conscripted into a battle royale for the amusement of The Council Of ChickensRisk, dragonborn barbarian - Uni one shots (lower levels)Risk is aptly named - she’s willing to do most things others would blanch at for the right reward, which is how she ended up in a mercenary business. This is straight up all the backstory i have for risk that ive nailed down ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ shes hard to really conceptualise a good backstory for, esp bc i didnt know the world that the uni DMs had createdTrix, aasimar rogue - Uni one shots (higher levels)Trix practically raised herself, and by the guidance of her angelic counterpart, she was often driven to do things that left no time for friendship. Tired of living a life that wasn’t fully her own, she struck out to the wealthy area of the city to join the Planeswalkers guild, and has since become an initiate with her own housing in their extra planar facility, and does takes the odd mercenary work that comes her way from her new homeZiarda Lionheart, aasimar bard - Storm About To Breakafter what happened with eldan, i wanted to make a lighter, happier character - with a lot less emotional baggage, and so Ziarda was born. Ziarda has always been driven to do the right thing, and not just by her own morals - but those of her angelic guide. Ziarda was raised by a single mother, who taught her not only the value of beauty and joy in making the world a greater place, but also the practical application of music - in fact ziardas flute used to be her mothers. Ziarda left home at 19 on the will of her heavenly advisor, and joined a travelling carnival, where she could spread joy through her performances. She travelled with them for a few years before the travelled to the east to do a show for the soldiers guarding the entrance to relatively unexplored lands, where she was guided to join a band of weary adventurers in their efforts to stop a widespread cult from destroying civilisation. A lot of my characters backstories get more fleshed out the more i play them and have a better idea of what things could have shaped them to be the people they become? but this is their current Pre Adventure Lore

Yeehaw congrats if you made it this far ur insane i wrote so much i love my kids a lot heres a reward for reading all that, or i suppose, for scrolling to the bottom

Anyway thank u anya for givin me the chance to ramble abt my OCs i love them sm and i love You so much and everyday im so grateful that you gave me the opportunity to play this incredible game and to do the dumb cult joining, plan breaking stunts i pull

[wannasoftimagine]

imagine being daehwi’s friend on p101 s3

a trainee after his own heart :’)

(( AS REQUESTED! // i love ur writing !! can i get a daehwi scenario where you guys are best friends bc you're also a trainee from brand new music and you participate in pd101 s3 and come in 3rd place like him,, and he confesses to you afterwards bc he's so proud of you ?? as fluffy as possible pls and thank u have a great day/night 💓 ))

u and daehwi have known each other ever since u became a trainee at bnm

altho u were a little intimidated at first, he was always ready to approach u with friendly tips and a smile, so it was only a matter of time before u became best friends

hes the type of friend to hype u up whenever u step on stage

(ure p sure one time he came to a performance w a sign tht said u were the “inventor of rap” lol)

u can both b super extra when ure supporting each other tbh

to u guys, theres nothing too grand or too extreme to express how proud u are of each other

of course when u decide to enter produce 101 for the 3rd season, hes super excited for u

(hes also super nervous but he doesnt want u to know tht)

he gives u constant tips and advice, always guiding u

“be careful of their editing,, evil mnet is no joke”

daehwi sends u so much support tht even when u cant contact each other once the filming starts, u know he’s cheering u on

and listen. the show is STRESSFUL

daehwi already knew how hard it could be so he kinda didnt want u to go on it

but he also wanted u to show off how talented u were?? what a struggle

ur initial performance was with a couple labelmates, some girls u were close with but now super comfortable with

u did a song tht daehwi helped produce bc hes a king of music and u adore everything he makes

anyways

ure proud to say tht u gave it all, and u end up with a b ranking

its not as good as daehwi, but ure still rlly proud of urself

as the days go on, things only get more and more stressful

bc of how well so many of the s2 boys did, this season everything is 1000x as intense bc they want to make sure tht only the most talented people move on

as hard as it is, u step up to the challenge, practicing as much as u can whenever u can

still, sometimes ull see other ppl struggling

even tho theyre not from the same company as u, u have the kind of heart tht makes u want to try and help them even if just a little

at first it was a little awkward for u to offer advice to the other trainees, but with everyone cramped and tired together, its hard not to start to bond

soon enough, word spreads abt how ure one of the sweetest and hardworking trainees in the competition, and it sends a huge boost in ur popularity

it helps tht ure cute as heck and a lot of fans noticed how brightly ur smile was even before the first ep aired

altho ure not super close with any one person in particular, a lot of the girls there are super friendly so its easy for u to drift around to hang out with different groups

mnet seems to love u bc when u watch some episode clips, they show how ure always flitting around and seem like a v popular trainee

plus theyve decided to highlight u as one of the rising stars of the show, editing clips to show off the amount of time u practice and improve, even from ur already-amazing initial performance

ure super lucky and u dont forget it

but ure still pretty sure tht all of daehwis advice from beforehand helped u a lot

u dont get a lot of time to think abt him tho, just bc everything moves so fast in the competition

still, sometimes when ure trying to rest after another long day of practice, u cant help but reminisce on some of ur more playful and relaxed memories with daehwi

somehow, word didnt really get out abt how close u two were until midway thru the season

it wasnt like u were intentionally keeping it a secret, but it didnt rlly come up for awhile

not when u were all busy just trying to get some airtime and become a better idol

anyways

when word gets out, all of the other girls are So Jealous

luckily for u everyones really sweet and only tease u abt it instead of being jerks

still, now a lot of them are asking u for his number

tbh although u and daehwi had never talked abt it, u dont remember him saying tht he ever liked anyone

and honestly, u didnt rlly think abt him dating someone until girls were coming up to u left and right, asking what he was like

with time, everyone calms down a little bit, but ure left trying to focus on practice instead of why the thought of him dating someone else bothers u so much

(its hard bc u know exactly why ure upset, but u dont know what ure going to do abt it)

mOVING ON

u rlly cant talk to daehwi often, but there are some occasions where the p101 staff let u make a phone call

if ure not calling ur family, u always use it to call him

u use the limited time to catch up, and he always showers u in support and compliments, telling u how hes watching every ep when it airs and is cheering u on

even tho u cant see him, u can imagine the way he smiles as he says it, and its enough to make u smile as well

as the days and performances move on u get closer and closer to the final stage

u havent always been at the top of the rankings, but uve still been doing pretty well esp recently w all of the positive attention tht uve been getting

u make it to the finale, and u cant help but hold ur breath the entire time

in this mass of people in the audience, its impossible to make out anyones faces, so u cant recognize if anyone came to support u

u cant help but hope tht somehow daehwi made it, but u know hes been so busy with his own practicing tht he probably doesnt have time

theres a section of past p101 winners somewhere else, but its even further away and harder to see with all of the bright lights

the next couple of hours go by both achingly slow and annoyingly fast

as the names slowly start to get called, u watch with a heavy heart as more and more people are cheered their way on to safety

honestly ure still kinda surprised tht u made it this far, since u started out only hoping to gain experience and a vague fanbase with the show

but now tht ure here, u cant help but hope tht u make it to the end

despite everything u find urself cheering on the other girls whenever theyre announced as a finalist

everyones crying and ure no better tbh

its getting to the top, just before they decide to go back and announce the final member of the group, and ur ranking of 10 last week suddenly seems far too low, esp as 3rd place is about to be announced

then out of nowhere, ur name is called

ur hands are shaking and u keep looking around bc is this rlly happening?? but everyones screaming and hugging u and ure like ??????????

u cant even string together proper thoughts at this point

somehow u make it to the other stage where one of the staff puts a microphone in ur hands and the cameras are all aimed towards u

honestly half the things u say are just random words of gratitude or names tht u can never forget

ur busy telling ur parents, rhymer, all the other girls, ur fans, abt how much u love them, tht for a second somehow u almost forget abt daehwi

thts when ur gaze flickers to a screen in the stadium where the camera is focused on daehwi cheering and tearing up from his spot somewhere w some of the other p101 boys

of course u have to end it with a “lee daehwi!!! i love u too!!!!!!!” bc even if u know most ppl will take it platonically, ure not sure if he’ll see it the same way

(u dont even know if u want him to or not)

u say one last thank u before ure practically skipping over to ur seat and u cant help but think tht ure SO HIGH UP

still, now tht u know where daehwi is, even tho u cant make out his face, u feel ur heart stutter knowing that he’s there cheering for u

the rest of the night goes by in a blur honestly

as soon as ure all let backstage to meet up w ur family/friends, u find urself being tackled by a combination of familiar faces

daehwi is laughing into ur side, arm slung around ur shoulder, as ur parents try to congratulate u thru their tears, and uve never felt happier

after an embarrassingly long time of hugging and crying, daehwi manages to pull u to a slightly less crowded and loud area

n hes like “listen,, y/n,,,, u know im rlly proud of u too right?? like i love u a lot”

and ure not even thinking abt what u said in ur speech, just nodding along happily bc above all else, daehwi is still ur best friend

but he looks at u and he cant rlly stop smiling either, but he grabs u by the shoulders to say “no, i rlly love u a lot”

so ure like “okay??? and??????”

and he keeps staring at u with this stupid grin on his face and then it hits u and ure like “oh. oH. OH!!!!!!”

so ure both just smiling at each other like idiots n ure like “i think i love u too??”

at tht he has this mock-offended face like “u THINK”

but ure both so so happy teasing each other and feeling like ure both on top of the world

tbh u spend so long standing there and giggling tht ur parents eventually drag u away from ur private spot bc “u cant stand there grinning forever” and “ur bf isnt the only one whos proud of u!!!”

ure both embarrassed but its impossible for either of u to wipe the smiles off of ur faces

u all spend the rest of the day celebrating and enjoying each others company and the company of the rest of ur family/friends, and u cant help but think tht this is one of the best moments of ur life

[possibilistfanfiction]

hey jude!!! just read ur last anon abt being nb and wondered if u could talk abt ur own gender experience?

well basically i didnt grow up in a very open household, like rly Zero discussion of gender, so i know i Experienced gender entirely but i played almost exclusively with the boys in my class until probably grade 6 or 7, & at puberty, even tho i was a better athlete than most boys in my class still, i started hanging out with girls more, at recess, etc. i was always into androgyny, even if i had no idea (& i didn’t) what that was—i liked some femme things, absolutely, but i wanted nothing to do w skirts or pretty shoes. i wanted to be in adidas running sneakers 24/7 if i could help it, & i wore a uniform to school w the option of a skirt/pants, & im p sure i always wore pants. at the time this, to me, seemed more functional, & it was, but it was also, as i can understand now, something that made me feel Less like a girl, although not at all like a boy.

when i was older, 12, 13, 14, my parents wanted me to dress nicer, & i was v much into like american eagle shit, although by mid hs i was into some vintage stuff. one rly big odd style influence for me was mia wasikowksa in this weird movie called restless bc it was this v soft femme androgyny & i think for me this kind of gender expression became very important to see & understand. it wasn’t that she didn’t look like a girl, or that she wasn’t a girl, but she also sometimes looked like a boy, or wore boys clothes, but she wasn’t butch. idk this movie sent me for a loop honestly lol. 

& obviously my understanding of gender expression didn’t correlate (& doesn’t correlate!) w so many gender identities, & “passing” is extremely harmful as a notion, etc. but when i was younger my understanding of gender & sexuality was very limited & began to expand when i saw very femme but still andro ppl, even tho i couldn’t articulate it at the time. 

when i was a teenager i knew i didnt want to rly have a single thing to do w any boy, which made me sure i was a lesbian bc thats the only narrative i’d rly known abt queerness, or queer women, or even queer ppl who presented as femme. there werent any out lesbians at my school (no fucking way), & the only out queer kid at all was a white gay guy a year older than me, who was popular in the way white gay boys can be popular in high school. but i read voraciously, was fascinated by the crossdressing in shakespeare (paris in the merchant of venice was a particular fixation of mine?) & anyway. i knew i was queer, i knew i liked girls, & i knew i was outrageously uncomfortable w my body, particularly my breasts. for a long time i thought this was because i was ashamed of my sexuality, when i came to sort of understand that, but ofc now i know abt dysmorphia & dysphoria, so yknow. knowledge.

when i went to college i came out big time, & it became very important to me to both be queer & look sort of queer but not queer enough to be Queer—i wanted ppl to be like ‘maybe into girls, but maybe straight.’ as im sure many of us know, this was a lot of internalized shame abt a lot of things, so that sucks. however, i cut my hair which was like the first comfortable thing i had done for my appearance in a v long time, & also smth which my parents hated & i did anyway. i wore a Lot of rly femme stuff bc they hated it tho? so this was all v confusing for me bc my parents are v homophobic, & here i was in college starting to read queer theory & gender theory & falling in love w like. the most beautiful, brilliant girl, & also spiraling into a mixed episode after i got diagnosed w bipolar I, which sort of put everything else on the backburner for a year. 

eventually tho i sorted that out (as much as u can sort smth like that out) & i started to rly pay attention to androgyny. i went to europe & i think theres a whole bunch of nuances to fashion that exist there that certainly arent here, & i spent a winter in warsaw so there were aspects to fashion & expression there that were entirely abt functionality, which i was v attracted to. in college, as well, & especially after college, gender became smth i was v much invested in bc i was (& absolutely am) a feminist, so my place in the canon & zeitgeist was one as a queer female writer. it was so so central to who i was, & what i was writing abt. every single thing i wrote in college was in some way a balm, some sort of piece abt myself, learning abt trauma & the body. sorting through a lot of hurt. i could write a theory piece abt elizabeth bishop & reading it back now i know it was also abt me, that kinda stuff.

when i went to toronto i rly rly started being invested in looking critically at gender & my experience of it bc being read as a woman was smth that was grating on me, even tho i had identified as woman for so long, & had no desire at all to transition. i know 100% i am not a trans man, so that was confusing for a long time because i sort of knew there was a space between but it was very hard to conceptualize. eventually i sort of came to understand gender is a color wheel where cis boys are blue & cis women are pink & then theres literally a ton of other colors out there, so yknow. lots of different experiences of gender. some days i feel much more strongly like i identify w women (in mostly political situations, it matters to me to be read as “female” sometimes bc rights for ppl w vaginas AND trans women are FUCKED UP in so many places). some days i hate the idea of identifying as a woman. i also never want to identify as a man. so when i was in toronto i rly started to know a LOT of queer ppl w so many different expressions of gender. & we were all young & lovely & open & fucked up & we would get fucked up but we would also go read together in the park & wander around alleys in the snow & like. there’s a Muchness to toronto that i experienced that helped me, personally, understand these intersections between my own sexuality & gender & expression as much more than just a gay woman who isn’t butch & isn’t femme. i was rly lucky to become part of a community that identified as Queer, & so i became v much understanding of these different aspects of my own identity that fell outside of binary—my sexuality, my gender. Queerness is a vital & profound thing to me & i was rly able (& so fortunate) to have a close friend group of mostly queer ppl & then a few of the actual literally most incredible allies i’ve ever known & will ever know. 

so then from there i just rly kinda thought abt things & like i got a binder & stuff in TO but rly started to evaluate my dysmorphia & dysphoria (i had struggled really badly w an eating disorder in/post college) & was able to sort out that so much of it had to do w feeling uncomfortable in the way my body was read in the world. & that will always happen bc i LOVE makeup & i have a “feminine” voice & sometimes i love skirts & i shave my legs bc i like how it feels sometimes & i dont ever want to go on T—none of these things make anyone ANY gender, but ofc theyre coded as “female.” but i’m learning to just yknow educate where i can & take a lot of solace in the community of ppl i have fostered who support & understand my Being. i’ve also allowed myself to be invested in aesthetics & fashion & how much a role that plays bc like. yah fuck Yah i look cool shit bc my friends love it & absolutely i wanna wear the same vans maia mitchell has & i want a melodrama hoodie & i LOVE local toronto designers & their angsty patches abt sad songs & whiskey but i love fashion born out of histories that is connected to smth i can understand, like queer punk movements, or smth my friends & i share, like blundstones (which are gender neutral, which is cool). i’m fascinated in how ppl express their Selves, & we are so unfortunately Finite in our bodies in the sense that that’s rly how the world, in our day to day interactions, processes who & what we are. so i invest in the care of mine by trying to listen to it, trying to make it comfortable—& clothing is a huge thing that can do that. also its fun so anyone who thinks loving (ethical, cool) fashion is vain can eat my ass

anyway lmao now i have a p decent sense, atm at least, of what makes my body its most comfortable (even if that is v far from Comfortable at times). i love my tattoos, & i basically never rly want long hair again i’m p sure, & i love makeup, & if i could wear vans or blundstones every day for the entirety of my life at this point that would be incredible. those are easy things, & i try to allow my body, in its cultural place, to have access to them as much as possible, which is so important to me in a sense of having access to a physical space that matches my mental space of gender identity. politically sometimes i feel v v much a “woman” in terms of my lived experience, & i allow that of myself as well. sometimes when i write it’s important to me that my poetry be read as a queer person but also someone who is culturally coded as a woman, bc those are still always central concerns of my work—the trauma, the power there. but day to day i’m mostly happy spending my time obsessing over other things, like what to call this new genre of music halsey & lorde are making, or why my dog stevie is a Fanatic when it comes to ice cubes. ive come to enough terms w my gender, & my sexuality—& the expression thereof—that unless someone is talking abt gender, or someone asks me a question, it’s not smth that is constantly on my mind, which is. Nice. its so nice lol. 

also i would like to point out that i know my experience being non binary is rly rly white & western in so many ways & i get that. my cultural experience of non binary gender is also v much this like. ive felt frustrated before but never in my life have i felt scared to be non-binary while i was like out & abt in the world, bc i still pass as a cis white woman literally everywhere all the time (which has its pros & cons but like, still, a lot of privilege). so i do try to keep all of that in mind as well when i try to center myself & all that jazz

& who tf knows where all of that will take me. i feel like, bc ive learned to listen to my body & my brain so much better than i did when i was younger—even when they might hate themselves—i am so much better at filling up a space in the world that occupies smth healthy. which is not smth i take lightly, & i’m also so open to changes, as long as they feel good & beneficial & true. which is sort of new for me. who knows man ur mid twenties are a wild ride 

[shslbullrider-blog]

45 qs

oooh my god this is typical ellie “answered too long” there are no short responses but lots of ebull spoilers bc i dont care.

1. Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?

ebull has one big sister!  she and her are obnoxiously close, and have been known to game situations so that they’re both doing similar things at the same time -- just so they can spend as much time together as physically possible.  they’re physically separated most of the time, so they have to make any time they get for each other really count--!

ebull has always been achingly protective over her sis, who, in turn, is a bit more clever and wise than her.  they kind of have always lived in each other’s minds and they really balance each other out!  

2. What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?

loving, but distant.  ebull doesn’t see her mother that much -- mostly for vacations and for the odd week or two out of the year.  she talks to her on the phone often enough, but it’s not quite the same.

most of their face-to-face interaction is based in her mom making up for lost time -- which tends to lead to ebull’s fashion and life choices being prodded at.  lovingly!  but in that completely-serious-tongue-in-cheek way.  theyre a pretty dry but warm family over there in gen, but it does embarrass her a bit. 

 she’s a bit more secretive towards her mom than with her dad -- but doesn’t really find that to be a bad thing!  mostly bc her mom is a bit of a gossip though and it Strains Her Life.  she’s also got an issue with respecting ebull’s privacy and she really hates that.

3. What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

extremely close.  ebull is a bit of a daddy’s girl and it’s kind of obvious -- she spends a lot of time with him, tells him all of her issues, asks him for advice, rags on him -- and he dotes on her like no one’s business.  she could probably get away with murder and have her dad ask her where to hide the body -- he enables a lot of her behaviors in a way her mom refuses to.

he does have a few very hard limits, though.  and ... makes it painful when she crosses them, because he tends to feel rather personally slighted if ebull keeps things from him or goes against direct advice.  they live together most of the time when ebull isn’t at home, so she tries to avoid this whenever possible.

sometimes by drawing in!  oops.  privacy.

he’s a really dry but extremely warm guy in gen tho -- kind of a great person and ebull admires him a lot.

does not fucking get video games though.

4. Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

ummm not really, not counting murder game things.  

sawako’s death fucked her up in a way that she doesn’t like to talk about -- even to people she’s close to -- but well!  that’s private--!

not even michiko knows the extent there and that’s saying something.

5. On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

advil, spare bandannas, potions, sawako’s love/friendship potion (it pokes at her back like constantly), tissues, pens, little scraps of paper, small vials of perfume, essential oils, hand cream, hershey kisses, needle + thread, mini toothpaste/toothbrush, a photo of her sister, gum, about four tubes of lipstick, mascara, her ID, like a single monocoin, sometimes you get a spare pair of clothing in there (plus calvins!), breath freshener, nail polish, nail cutters.

...

her jacket has more pockets than you’d ever fucking know.

6. Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

warmth.  being enveloped in warmth.  sunny days, laying in the grass, swinging a bat with her dad, driving over 100mph and feeling the warmth of the car through her hands.

....

sometimes she dreams of ow characters kissing her too but that’s a whoooole other kind of warmth she wouldn’t admit to.

7. Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

coldness.  dying slowly and alone.  calling out to people to receive no answer.  people she’s close to telling her she’ll be right back and not answering her call thirty minutes later.  various situations of seeing various corpses of cared-for people in increasingly horrifying death poses.

8. Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

nah! why use guns when she’s got THESE GUNS [pretend she flexed]

9. Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?

nah not really!  and if it did change, she didn’t really notice.

10. Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

being honest -- super honest?  more.  a lot more.  jackets and things to cover her neck -- she can’t wear dresses comfortably without pulling tights up or she feels uncomfortable.

but she’s willing to wear the hot ‘skimpy clothing’ to fit in better with her ‘fellow teens’ because that’s what’s attractive, right??  god shes sure this works??  janties are in season right she can bring them back??

stunningly if ebull is comfy w u she tends to wear more clothes in ur presence idk what that says about her.

11. In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?

the first few months in the game, before merge.  it was a constant, waking fear back then.  wake up in cold sweats and close to puking.  character spoilers: she was always worried, anxious, and uncomfortable but u know she’s thriving.

(also, she’s ridiculously good at seeming calm).

there have been high points since merge -- including not getting texts back from tomoka, michiko calling her for help in ch5, and some assorted Other Business (lol) but yeah it’s eased off a little and hasn’t breached that level since.

outside of game i dont know if ebull knows what it’s like to know fear.  she DID have a frighten that she thought was rather substantial in telling her parents she got into hpa for being a gamer but honestly she lived and like most things in her life it went better than she  expected it to.

12. In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

well, she’s really good at SEEMING calm despite alarm bells in her head.  and she actually thrives during high stress situations!  she is deathly composed and very comfortable during raids, and actually has found that trials are kind of becoming comforting, in a sense -- and she feels calm in her accusations.

... thanks.

in general, she does better once she’s used to a rotation.

13. Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?

nah not really!  she’s more squeamish than she seems at first glance, but it doesn’t obstruct her from what ‘has to be done,’ so to speak.  

14. Does your character remember names or faces easier?

names -- comes with the territory (given the fact that she deals primarily with online people).  but she’s super good at both, and very rarely gets a name unattached to a face -- or forgets either.  she finds it inspires bad blood.

15. Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?

kiiiiind of ?  it’s a strange case.  ebull’s used to the finer things in life and has certain standards -- like, if she’s dating someone, she insists on both sentimental and expensive gifts (because the combination ensures that she covers her bases and that they “really” care about her -- it’s proper that way), and if she was denied anything from her current standard of life she... might go through a bit of a culture shock, really.  

money and status has been a huge theme of her life and upbringing -- with two working parents who sacrifice family time for their successes.  so she knows what it’s like to have a lot of it in a rather... passive way.  she has no interest in the excess that her family can get into, but she’s never ever ever had to even think about money in a lasting way -- she gets speeding tickets out the ass and the only concern she has is how her family might bully her, rather than the monetary cost associated with it.

she can afford to not be preoccupied with wealth, is probably the best way to put it.  she gets that this puts her in a pretty good position, and is empathetic to people who struggle, but really wouldn’t know what to do if she couldn’t just pay for shit she breaks without thinking about it.  so like, she’s not out there purposefully decorating her house with useless pieces of shitty expensive art or always after the highest brands, but wouldnt know what to do if the ability to do that was suddenly stripped away.

16. Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

ebull would claim a mix of both -- that competence and fulfillment in other areas help to ensure happiness, etc, but.

if you really put a gun to her head on this one, she’d have to admit to ‘happiness.’  she’s not very ambitious and not competitive in the slightest -- if she’s struggling emotionally and upset all the time, what point is there to her successes?  does success mean anything if it’s not attached to fulfilling work? 

she’d never claim that people have to be happy all the time, but don’t you have to lose to fully appreciate your wins?  it’s a conundrum.

she’s very go-with-the-flow in nature, and finds things escalate fast when people stress over finishing, being right, or attaining perfection.  it’s better to take a walk and let it sit for your health and happiness than push yourself further.

this is probably at least partially due to her overall ‘ahh’ feeling about how much her family works, but she absolutely doesn’t hold it against people who think differently.  kind of admires them, really!  she’s just not built for it.

17. What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?

a stuffed monkey her dad got for her during one of his trips to america.  she keeps it somewhere in her room.

18. Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?

ambition ambition ambition -- though admittedly, ebull has neither trait, in her view.  wisdom is fine and good, but it’s easy to sit and get complacent with it, she finds.  also people who think of themselves as ‘wise’ tend to give her headaches.

she admires cleverness above both but finds it’s not the same as either.

19. What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

jesus christ where do i even fucking start it’s kind of a cyclical mess.

her biggest is most likely how long it typically takes her to get comfortable with people.  ebull finds vulnerability, opening up, and the like... extremely difficult (but v attractive).  she’s extremely adept at turning conversations into what the other person is feeling, and avoids giving any insight about her life in most situations -- even with people she claims to be close to.  she keeps any cards she intends to keep close to her chest, even when it doesn’t make sense to.  she’s understanding to the point of becoming a doormat in some places, and is easy to take advantage of once she’s committed -- but fears getting to that level, and will naturally close off if someone doesn’t read her mind and figure that she’s uneasy.

then she’ll ghost that person for hurting her feelings or just using her.  which happens often, not because someone actually did, but because she thought they did.

she works primarily in the realm of assumed knowledge, and, as a naturally perceptive person, knows that it’s unfair of her to assume people will remember as much about her as she does to them -- but it hurts her feelings anyway if she’s close to (or is crushing on) someone who doesn’t seem to just ‘get her.’  you can’t rush things in too fast, but you also have to be the one to make the first move.  you have to get her but be okay that she will almost never tell you a direct answer.

she keeps her preferences and desires coy and mysterious until she’s comfy and ugh yeah.

like in general this is a self-feeding mess of an issue here and it’s of no surprise that before the game she’d never been in a relationship.

20. In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

usually it’s just to look for improvements to herself.  she very rarely uses other people as a basis as to what she should be doing in an excusatory way -- like ‘if theyre not working, i dont have to be.’  she hates that.

21. If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?

she always -- and i mean always -- blames herself first.  this drives BYE(star)BYE up a wall when theyre playing games because yeah she does this incorrectly a lot.

she usually needs people to let her know when she’s being a bit too hard on herself or over-extending.  but even in these situations she... relies on someone else to take the blame off her directly, rather than believing it entirely herself.

22. What does your character like in other people?

cunning, warmth, a bit of a tongue-in-cheek attitude, bullying, ambition, COMPETENCE, a bit of daredevil attitude, ability to hold her leash, genuine care, passion, ability to admit fault, EMPATHY, work ethic, good-humoredness, effort, something that i can only describe as ‘has the vibe of a ‘’’bad boy’’’ but treats her right,’ the ability to balance her out in any way fucking possible, the ability to make decisions, teamwork, commitment, the ability to just ‘get her,’ caution.

no one person can have all these things which is so upsetting but she lives.  mostly if you balance her out and make her smile... she’s good.

23. What does your character dislike in other people?

brattiness, hypocritical behaviors, blaming others needlessly, saccharine niceness, people who are weirdly friendly, touchiness too soon, obstructing team work, people who think theyre somehow above rules/norms, unwarranted self-importance, people who dont even pretend to try to understand where others are coming from, people who expect other people to do work for them, people who spread gossip too far, no boundaries, people who act as if theyre above bias/other human things/etc, ‘weak’ personalities, people who just escalate her rather than grounding her out a bit, people who take advantage of other people’s feelings, people who intentionally hurt others, sadistic qualities, overt self-flagellation, cattiness over men in women, men who are nasty towards women,  infidelity, lack of loyalty, promise breaking, people who claim to care past a polite level but don’t.

...she can take any of those in doses, and she’s very willing to admit that no one is perfect -- and she’s sure she expresses some of those herself, sometimes.

24. How quick is your character to trust someone else?

weird question for ebull.

trust is a strange thing for this gal.  when ebull uses the word ‘trust,’ she means she has an expectation.  for instance, she trusts someone named “bigdragonfucker42069″ to be kind of unbearable in the team’s groupchat.  she makes these kinds of judgments very quickly, and can be said to ‘trust’ every single member of her class -- such as, she trusts veronica to come into a trial logically and get exasperated by any court theatric, and she trusts masashi to say little in trial but to be marginally sensible when he gives ideas.

most of these expectations do include trust for being alone together with them, sometimes during motives, because she trusts people to not go after one of the clearly athletic people who could phone a friend and have backup in minutes.  shit like that.

this doesn’t mean, however, that she trusts people in a traditional sense -- and it goes in negative ways -- like she trusts that there are maybe two people that, even before the game was revealed as a vr, would give a shit if she died beyond ‘fuck now we lost someone who does shit.’  it doesnt always work to her self image’s favor!  

for a more traditional trust -- like trusting with emotional intimacy... um.

....

that takes.  a long time.

...a very long time.  and you have to pass shittests.

25. How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?

quick to suspect, slow to solidify -- if that makes sense.  she doesn’t put much above just about anyone, but she’s willing to see reason or be proven wrong, and is pretty gracious when this is done.

doesn’t change a damn bit if she’s close to someone, but her um.  reaction.  might be a lil different.

26. How does your character behave around children?

she loves kids so much and is eager to teach them things, show them things, the whole bit.  god.  she loves kids.  easiest way to get her to genuinely smile is to bring a damn toddler around her.

27. How does your character normally deal with confrontation?

eagerly, but levelly.  she doesn’t shy away from much, but she’s more looking to compromise or do whatever suits the group best than whatever interests she might have.

she finds she does get a lil excited at ‘locking horns’ with people, though.  so to speak.

28. How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?

depends entirely on the situation.  usually really slow -- she’s got about three locks on herself, calm down mechanisms, ability to tone down her impulses (and her impulses are RARELY ‘hurt someone’) -- but she does have.  big.  no-nos.

if any of those no-nos are touched she kind of goes blank white and will get violent without warning.  these things don’t really happen in real life though so she’s usually safe.

sucks 2 b in this game tho lol sorry jiji.

29. What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?

she really wanted to be the first female mlb baseball star.  died when she was about nine because it felt really unattainable, and she’d rather... accept her lot in life than try hard for something and fail that badly (oops).  now it’s too late to do anything about it even if she wanted to so she considers this a success in some way.

she isn’t here to make waves or so she says.  she doesn’t talk about this much but she does still love The Sport.

30. What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?

people who use other people’s feelings against them, or abuse the trust other people have in them for their own gain.  people who lie in relationships.  cheaters.  people who could give a shit if they hurt someone they claim to care about.

31. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.

sitting with her family in their country home for their week alone together.  having only a few homework assignments to do, about to go on a walk with her sister so her parents can have time alone.

32. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.

she’s accidentally hurt someone she cares about -- they’re trying to act ok, but she can tell that they’re upset and that their trust in her took a hit.  she has no way to really apologize -- no way to fix it quickly.  she’s alone in her room, trying not to dwell on it but finding it impossible.  it’s cold.

33. In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?

always always always willing to improve.  she takes all crit pretty well and never takes things personally.  maybe to a fault.

34. Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?

not only does she immediately move on to a different method, but she mapped that method out mentally around the middle-mark of her first attempt, making it easier to jump into.  ebull has never seen the point in trying things over and over again in desperation, and is always looking for new ways around something.  she’s adaptable in almost every sense, and doesn’t feel too bad about failure the first dozen of times as long as she eventually settles on an answer.

this sometimes leads to some rather unconventional solutions but you know.

35. How does your character behave around people they like?

ummm this is really dependent on the person, her intentions with the person, and their overall ‘relationship chemistry.’

ebull is extremely adaptable and finds it easy to go along with what other people need or desire in a relationship -- and therefore most of the time, if she likes a person, she tends to turn into some kind of balancing act.  she’ll also seek their company in her own ways!

it diverges a little between her intending for a friendship and her intending for a lover, however.  if ebull wants to have someone as a friend, she tends to spoil them -- to get into their interests a bit and starts to joke around early.  friends also get clued into her feelings and her background almost readily, and she’s more willing to explain herself or get into the things she likes (or even reveal embarrassing tidbits about herself) with people she feels mostly platonic towards.

if ebull intends to try to date someone, she um.

does her best to act absolutely detached from them.  if at all possible.  she shields any information about herself behind seven proxies of coyness.  she tries to turn every conversation into something about what the other person wants or their feelings rather than her own.  she gives little, coy compliments -- winking nudges of her interest -- but absolutely doesn’t invite the chance to get closer.  above all else, she tries to remain mysterious.

...it’s a lot easier to be her friend.  or like.  go from friend=>lover because holy shit is her dating scheme a pain in the ass.

36. How does your character behave around people they dislike?

depends on if this is a business/pleasure relationship.  in business, or for similar things (like a family her parents are trying to impress), ebull is remarkably good at acting at least interested in and polite towards other people.  she’s very willing to be or act compassionate even to people she detests, as she finds that there’s too much emotional energy used up by being mad or trying to behave anti-socially around someone she has to be around.  ebull values group cohesion and effort above most else, and finds that she starts causing issues by gaining attitudes.

if she has to be alone with someone she dislikes, she’ll smile politely, giggle at all their jokes, shrug her shoulders a lot, and move on quickly.  mostly you can tell if she dislikes you if she’s consistently trying to avoid speaking with you, and doesn’t coyly hint at things.

37. Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?

she finds these two are almost irreparably related, and likely couldnt choose between the two.  mostly because she’s more interested in just letting her actions speak for her, rather than get into fights over if she’s a good leader or deserves her position or anything.  it’s counter-productive to focus on either of these.

38. Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?

weirdly enough she will usually just remove herself and her healers, if at all possible.  that, or try to calm the problem/threat or work around it -- rather than remove it entirely.  she’s not afraid of confrontation, but finds being quick to jump doesnt tend to look good.

39. Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?

nope!  ebull doesn’t tend to deal with animals often.

40. How does your character treat people in service jobs?

politely, doesn’t tend to seem entirely bothered by slip ups or the like.  the type of person who notices that something is going wrong in the kitchen or her waiter seems frazzled and responds with “im in no rush, so take your time” or merely steers the dinner conversation away from how hungry people are into something more productive.  tips well.

41. Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

earn it, fullstop.  and this includes things that people don’t traditionally associate with being earned -- like a good partner, for instance.  she detests when people demand or act deserving of things like other people’s respect, time, sympathy, or effort without giving a good reason.  this is partly why she’s not easy to phase even in the game when things go badly, because it’s easy for her to rationalize that she must have done something to disrupt other people’s trust in her -- and therefore lost her standing for their attention.  

she has never, ever assumed that she deserves something just for being there or showing up -- and finds that when things are just given freely, she gets a little anxious.  usually she assumes some ulterior motive.

42. Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?

nah!

43. Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?

um unless you count 12 year olds on youtube who love her tanking videos, no.

44. How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?

if it’s by text to a person she’s friendly with and has no intention of ever dating?  super easy.  “ilyyyyyy” and shit, sometimes cheeky.  she can also use the term ‘love’ very indiscriminately, as one of her more charming speaking tics.

any other circumstance? hoo boy.  she can think of no harder phrase to utter -- and this is coming from a gal who refuses to make first moves or say things in a non-delicate manner.

she finds phrases like ‘i love you’ way too fucking vulnerable to be said lightly -- and has to be absolutely sure before saying it.  because she fears not having her feelings reciprocated over most things, ebull will NEVER say it first, even if that means it takes years to exchange the phrase.  she’s also the type of person who could hear someone else say it in earnest and feel only uncomfortable -- if she doesn’t feel the same way.  rather than fake her feelings and return it, she’d find coy, cute ways to brush it off.  she doesn’t  take this shit lightly and has determined ‘i love you’ to be something said only with absolute certainty.

also if you say it too fast or in a position she thinks is kind of manipulative (such as saying it for the first time to her as you’re attempting to get next stage intimate), she’ll probably get disgusted at you for faking your feelings in an attempt to make her put her guard down and that’s a break up.

so yeah if she says it to you out loud, platonic or romantic?  she means the hell out of it.  also it probably embarrassed her to say and she might be close to crying.

45. What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?

ebull is a buddhist and is therefore ‘covered’ when it comes to the afterlife -- so she doesnt really fear what will happen to her on paper.  off of paper she’s kind of still a bit weirdly superstitious and it’s a meld of traditional worries on top of bizarre concepts like american ghost hunting shows.  she’s kind of superstitious and willing to believe a lot of things -- especially things that can’t be especially disproven -- and can consolidate a world where most people reincarnate but maybe christians or something all turn into ghosts, and--

she also quietly believes in cute sounding myths, or old adages like “what will be will be” which she finds strangely comforting.  most things all point to her still being accounted for in the afterlife.

her big fear associated with death is leaving people she loves behind -- or how they’ll do without her there.  she doesnt want people she loves to dwell on her being gone.

[horsegirl4000]

REAL EYES REALIZE REAL LIES

[lazytacomoon-blog]

How much life insurance should we have on each other at our age?

"How much life insurance should we have on each other at our age?

My husband is 27 turning 28, I am 24 turning 25. We own a home owe roughly 98,000 on it still, have two children. No credit card debt at all. (don't have any cards) Our cars are 2,000 away from being paid off so I don't think that should be figured in at all. I have 100,000 on my husband and 150,000 on me. I took more on me because he has no family here and though my family of course will help him if I passed away but I thought because I stay at home and he would have to find daycare and all he would need more. My sister said I should take out at least 2x my pay off on my house so that I could pay it off and still have 100,000 to cover financial issues until the parent left could settle in to taking care of a house hold alone. Do you agree? Should we increase our policies? I just don't know...it is hard to think of these things but I want to make sure that if one of us pass away my family will be taken care of and not have to worry about money.

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://insureinfo.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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Also what type of insurance does one need for a dollar store?

How much is a ticket for not having car insurance in California?

Freeway Insurance just called me and told me that my insurance was not paid last month and that it got cancelled. I could swear that I did pay and my bank overview says I did pay. This is the second time they call me to tell me that. I think those ****** bastard just want money. So I'm just wondering how much a ticket cost because I'm gathering money to open another policy but with another Insurance company.

Im nearly a 17 year old who wants to know how much insurance will cost..?

hi, with me nearly turning 17 next year and i have been looking at cars i have my eyes on a citroen saxo and was wondering how much will it cost to insurance and not botherd about the price of the car because you can get them for at least 500 pounds, there are ll types of saxos arnt there like the 1.4 and i have been looking aat the saxo vtr but im wondering what saxo is better fo a first car and the insurance thanks zac whalley""

Adding someone to ur insurance?

i know ur insurance goes up but do have to pay the difference between the new and old price? or do u just pay the new price whenever it would normally be time to pay ur insurance?

Estimate for car insurance?

I know there are SO many factors considered. I am considering purchasing my first car (I would get it new, have loved Mazda 3 forever) and curious as to what I would pay a month in insurance or what average is. Bit of details, I live in Ontario, Canada, I will be 23 this year, female, I have a clean driving record (granted I've only had my G2 for a year and a half), my credit history is very good if that matters, I took driver's ed. I have no idea about what is considered average. Thanks!""

Auto Insurance?

A friend of mine just got a quote for insurance of around 2400 per year. She has no driving record, drives a older car, is female, and past 35 years of age. Granted she lives in NJ. This cant be right. We can only come up with 2 possible reasons. First, she's only had a US liscence for a year a now. Second, her husband has a suspended Liscence. Is this normal?""

How much would my insurance cost if self-insured?

im 21, JUST got g2 and live in toronto, ontario my choice of cars is s2k, mazda RX8, and 350z, how much will my insurance be for each? Also, my father works in Apotex, a huge medical company that have insurance packages for employees + their family, how much would my insurance cost if i sign to them?""

Need a group for medical insurance?

Employer offers very skimpy medical insurance. Individual (i.e., non-group) insurance is very expensive. I have heard that groups have been formed so that members will qualify for group rates. Please tell which groups these are, and what you know about them. Many thanks.""

Redlight violation?! Any way to lower the $381 fine and not raise insurance?

Help! This Saturday, I was in Fremont to pick up someone at the Bart station. I was on Mission and Mohave going straight towards the entrance to 880 when the light turned yellow. I started to stop but I felt that if I kept stopping I'd end up in the middle of the intersection so I pressed gas again and went through. I thought I made it on the yellow, but I saw the huge flash meaning the lovely camera took a picture of me. ): The fine is $381 according to http://www.fremontpolice.org/redlight/redlight.html plus a higher insurance, right? I'm freaking out. I'm a 17 year old high school student (I've had my license for over a year already) at a private Catholic school, straight A's in all my classes, super clean record, and I've never gotten a ticket before! I know I have to go to court but is there any way that the fine will be lowered and my insurance won't go up? If I go to traffic school will it be cheaper and keep my insurance down? Help please!""

Car insurance?

how do i get cheap insurance for my son, he has only just passed his test couple of weeks ago. we stay in the UK.""

How much would I expect to pay on insurance on a second hand Clio?

I'm taking my test soon and if I pass, there's a second hand Clio I like the look of. Just wondering, as I have no experience with buying cars, how much I would pay for insurance on an M reg Clio? And any extra costs? Thanks""

Car insurance for young men in the uk... unfair?

I'm a 19 year old guy living in the UK.. and I get SO annoyed at how much more guys have to pay for car insurance. I understand that it's because some guys my age decide to drive like complete a*se holes, but that doesn't mean all guys do?.. and I really resent paying more, just because of the boy racers. Yes, most fast drivers are teenage boys. However, this doesn't mean that most of teenage boys are fast drivers. I drive a Hyundai Getz for crying out loud.. I'm not going to go racing in it! Grr! I simply cannot afford to insure it under my own name at my age. What does everyone else think? Personally, I think it's pretty sexist against young men, and I think there should be a test of some sort which we could take which could prove our innocence and drop the costs.. Does anyone know how much a lie detector test for the question I am a safe driver would cost?""

Why are large engined/big sized second hand cars much cheaper than the small cars with small engines?

I did ask this a minute ago but I got it the wrong way round. Im looking for a car around 3.5k but the cars in that price range are great big hulking cars with huge engines that I cant afford the insurance for. How come smaller cars are more expensive?? I notice that when looking at new cars, the ones with bigger engines and bigger models are more expensive, so why is it the other way round for second hand cars?""

Can I add a motorcycle to my car insurance policy without them rechecking my points?

I want to buy a motorcycle and add it to my insurance but when I got insurance I only had 4 points. Now I unfortunately have 6 points (3 points come off in 10 months) and I probably cannot afford to pay for insurance that high. A few months ago I asked them if I could switch the car I drive now out for a different car and they said that was fine and that they would not recheck my points but would just give me a new, higher rate (since it was a better car) while only including the 4 points. So is it possible to just add a motorcycle to my existing policy while only continuing to pay for 4 points? Thank you very much. (I know I can call and ask the insurance company myself but I can't call them because I will be extremely busy for the next few days so I was hoping to get a quicker answer on here if anyone knows) thank you!! :)""

""What is the average price of health insurance in Queens, New York?""

I am 26 years and turning 27 soon. I would like to know the average price of health insurance in Queens, New York? I tried getting some quotes online and all the prices are coming out to over $1,000 a month. Some of them more close to $2000. I didn't know the health insurance for an individual was this high. In this Case, I don't think any one who makes low starting salary would be able to get health insurance. I used to pay a little more than $100 a month when I had student health insurance. Also, I heard from one of my cousin(who is 50 years old)...that he pays less than $500 a month...Which made me get confused when I got the quotes online. Also, it is really difficult to get quotes online since they ask for personal infos. I do not want to give any of my personal infos. Can anyone please tell me if there are any health insurance plan ranging from $100-$400 a month? Thanks~""

Am I covered on someone else's insurance?

For example: I am a licensed driver first off. My grandma can't drive very well. Sometimes I take her places if I have time using her truck that has insurance on it. If she is with me every time I drive her somewhere, do I have to be insured? (Louisiana)""

Am I paying too much for car insurance?

IM 19 years old, I pay $100 per month with geico, I have not had any speeding tickets, I have not been in any accidents, I had my license for about a 3 - 6 months now, I own a 1997 ford Taurus. Am I paying too much for car insurance?""

Shouldn't Pres. Obama step up to the plate and tell them he just wants affordable insurance for all now?

Tell em to screw the lobbyists, so what if the health care lobbyists payed the House and Senate members over $500 million last year, I mean donated that much to them. They will have to wait, but people are dying now..""

What companies dont have age limit on driving any car with third party car insurance?

I have heard that there are still some companies that give car insurance fully comp and cover you third party on any car without an age limit. I know most are 25 and over but there must be someone out there who knows a company that doesn't have an age limit may have a car restriction but you know...

Car insurance help please!?

I'm 18 and i just finished high school. I dont have a job yet, but i'll be getting one sometime very soon and i really really need to find car insurance. im mostly looking for something that i can pay quarterly. something somewhat cheap too. errr. please help. i only have one car and its a 99 mazda protege.""

Do insurance companies raise premiums based on points or violations?

I have two tickets one for stop sign, and one for speeding. My question is which one should I turn in my traffic school certificate with to erase the point. I know they are both 1 point violations on my dmv record. Will it make a difference to my insurance rates? By the way I have USAA.""

""I live in CA and am about to drive to PA, but I have a lost license card which is also expired, am I insured?""

I lost my drivers license about a week ago, and was just sent a letter from my insurance company which said that it was expired anyway. I would just go get a new one but I am currently living in California and will be moving back to PA in about a week. My husband is in the military so I am allowed to have a out of state license, but I am afraid that because it is expired that my insurance (state farm) may not still cover me. I am driving across the country so I need to make sure I am insured?""

What is the cheapest online car insurance where no deposit is paid? Morethan is no good. (UK)?

What is the cheapest online car insurance where no deposit is paid? Morethan is no good. (UK)?

How much life insurance should we have on each other at our age?

My husband is 27 turning 28, I am 24 turning 25. We own a home owe roughly 98,000 on it still, have two children. No credit card debt at all. (don't have any cards) Our cars are 2,000 away from being paid off so I don't think that should be figured in at all. I have 100,000 on my husband and 150,000 on me. I took more on me because he has no family here and though my family of course will help him if I passed away but I thought because I stay at home and he would have to find daycare and all he would need more. My sister said I should take out at least 2x my pay off on my house so that I could pay it off and still have 100,000 to cover financial issues until the parent left could settle in to taking care of a house hold alone. Do you agree? Should we increase our policies? I just don't know...it is hard to think of these things but I want to make sure that if one of us pass away my family will be taken care of and not have to worry about money.

Health Insurance Policies For Smokers?

How are health insurance policies for smokers differ from that for non smokers?

Am I obligated to keep homeowners insurance?

I filed a theft claim earlier this year. Now my insurance company is telling me that they will not continue my coverage due to the claim. Im going to other insurance companies and gettting quotes, but they are stating that due to the claim, they will not cover me either. So my question is if my finance company will obligate me to find coverage on my home. (1st time homebuyer)""

Who insures a teenage driver when the parents are divorced?

We are getting ready to add my stepson to our auto insurance. He does not have a car yet, but when he does get one it will be in his father's name. His mother as far as I know has no auto insurance. She drives a car that belongs to her parents and I assume they insure it. This is the living situation and what is in place legally at this time. The mother is the primary custodian of the child. However, he resides at our house 85% of the time. My husband has educational gaurdianship so that he can attend school in our district. I have researched this and what I have found is that the parent who has primary custody is the one who adds the child to insurance. Then I also read that the parent with whom the child resides the majority of time carries the child on the insurance. I am just trying to prepare and educate myself before having to deal with the ex-wife. Money is not the issue as the child will be required to work and pay for his own insurance (our house rule). Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this?""

Will my insurance rate go up even though I paid off my parking ticket before court?

I'm 20 years old and I live in Houston,TX and I got pulled over in a town outside Houston called Pearland. I went thirteen miles over 30 and got ticketed by the police officer of the town. Now here in Texas, before you go to the DMV to get a license you have to take a 6 hour driving class which was made into a law dating back to 2010. This is my first speeding ticket I got since I first got my driver's license almost a year ago. If I go to the courthouse and admit that it was my fault for speeding and pay the fine before my court date arrives, will my insurance rate still go up? (Please don't leave negative feedbacks. I'm just trying to get some honest answers)""

Do 'normal' car insurance companies insure exotic cars as well?

I've gone to multiple popular car insurance agencies websites and tried to get a quote for a Lamborghini, but in the drop down menu there is never an option for it. I'm beginning to wonder if they even do insure these kinds of cars?""

Switching car insurance from old to new car?

Forgive me if this is a stupid question.. I currently have insurance coverage on a 2004 car and just purchased a 2013 car. I am going today to switch over my insurance (if possible) and would like to know what to expect before I go. I automatically assumed my insurance would go up because of the year difference, but a friend of mine recently switched her policy over from a 2000 to a 2007 and her policy did not go up, so now i'm questioning if mine would go up and what would cause it to vary. Thanks!""

22yo motorcycle insurance?

I have a 125cc motorcycle and im 22 with my m2 and driver training but the cheapest insurance i could find is $2500 a year!!!!!!!!! Does anyone have anything better for a young guy???

Best Dental Insurance Plan?

Hey Yahoo! Answers Readers, I am 26 years-old and unfortunately have a terrible smile with bad teeth. I am in need of major dental work. [Fillings, crowns, extractions, etc.] Does anyone know of what the best insurance plan would be for me? Please help me find plans that do not require waiting periods, so I can get work done ASAP! I live in Florida. I briefly checked out the new Government Marketplace, but I wasn't sure if any of the dental plans allowed immediate restorative services. Also, from what I briefly read, most of the plans only pay like a Maximum of $1000 per calendar year, which really isn't very much. Dental work costs a lot of money! Thanks for your help guys! -Zach :)""

""Can I get affordable life insurance for 200,000 or more?""

Can I get affordable life insurance for 200,000 or more?""

Which of these cars in cheapest in insurance?

Out of these 6 cars, can you list in number order from most to least expensive in car insurance? 1. Ford Mustang 2. Infiniti G35 3. Dodge Charger 4. Nissan 350Z 5. Cadillac CTS 6. BMW 3 series""

What is the best way a low income student can get health insurance?

Again, low income and can't rely on parents and how could I get retro coverage for an emergency bill a month ago. Currently uninsured, only insurrance is car insurrance.""

17 year old auto insurance? new york?

okay so my parents don't drive...(my bro does tho...except he moved to LA for business for the next year :( ) so my parents want to get me a car...you know so i can chauffeur them places and stuff. thing is i'm 16 and i have a class DJ license (i was able to take the road test because i took drivers ed. ) i'll be 17 pretty soon and i'll have a regular class D license. So i wanted to know even thought my parents don't have licenses and don't drive can they legally buy me a car and auto insurance? please answer! can't find anything online! :)

Need to find affordable health insurance?

My health insurance just went up again. I live in New York any places i can check out? It will be greatly appreciated

Car insurance for new driver age 19?

got my license now all i need is a car and car insurance, would like to know what is or can be the average car insurance cost for 19yr old on the parents insurance and my own insurance..""

Im having a baby.. now i need insurance.. what am i able to do?

Im having a baby.. now i need insurance.. what am i able to do? Shes about a month along, andwe donthave insurance tohelp us have it.. what can i do? Can i still get it or do they see that as priorissue andsayno.. We need help bringing it intobthe world..butwere lostat the moment.""

Which is worse on insurance costs or points a DUI or not haveing insurance?

My insurance company has on record that my husband had a DUI 2 years ago, but he didn't I got the paper work to show that it was a driving without insurance charge but I want to know which is worse to the insurance company.""

Which auto insurance company to choose?

Geico's quote was WAY lower than anybody else's. Several hundred dollars lower, in fact. When I asked an Allstate agent about the difference, he said it was mainly due to Allstate offering more types of insurance, investments, better customer service, and that Geico's quote was low just to get you in the door and that it would go up once I appeared interested. After a 10 minute monologue of him explaining this, he quickly printed my quote and rushed me out of his office. Does anyone have experience with Geico? All I need is auto and maybe renter's insurance. I don't need them to manage my retirement! Are they as underhanded about raising quotes as I was told?""

What is the name of place where I can go to pass some test of driving and get lower prices for car insurance?

What is the name where I can go to pass some test of driving and get lower prices for car insurance? I remember smb told me if I go there and pass test they will provide me documents allowing me to decrease my insurance for car. Currently cause I just got my license and had no any experience of driving, I am paying about $780 for 6 months. How can I go down on that price?""

Where can I get a great health insurance for a student?

Where can I get a great health insurance for a student?

Car insurance for someone driving my car? lil bit complicated =)?

My boyfriend drives my car occasionally and my full-coverage insurance will cover him and my car if he were to get in an accident. However, since I am still a student in college I'm on my parents' car insurance (have to pay them back once I graduate =P ) and they say that they don't want anyone who's not on the insurance policy to get in an accident and raise the family's rates, e.g. he's not allowed to drive the car. Understandable, however they won't add him onto our policy even if he pays his share himself. Now it's their prerogative, I'm not questioning that, but is there ANY way to purchase him automobile insurance that get's tapped FIRST in the event of an accident? ...To backtrack a little I've just researched non-owners policies, but they seem to work only after the initial insurance of the car (in my case my family's insurance) get's used up and the non-owner's insurance is used as a last resort; this still raises my family's insurance rates if there was an accident with him as the driver even if he had his own insurance. Does anybody know of any types of insurance that covers him driving my car without raising my parent's rates in the event of an accident? Thank you in advance! =) Oh and please don't say that he shouldn't be driving my car, etc. It's more of a hypothetical question as he rarely does but I'm getting tired of my parents getting on me when things happen, like getting the stomach flu when we're out and about and having him drive home, telling my mom later when im miserable, and her saying i don't care that you had the stomach flu he can't drive your car without his own insurance. Yay. Thanks, Mom.""

Why is Auto Insurance in Quebec cheaper? And how do I go abouts changing my insurance to Quebec?

I've been told insurance in Quebec is much cheaper. I know a few friends that live there can I change my license address to Quebec then seek insurance over there? Im getting sick of paying 400+ in Ottawa.

Car insurance?

does your physical health affect your car insurance rates?

Non Owners Auto Insurance?

Hello, I'm 18 and I just got my license and I am buying my first car soon. I wanted to know if it's possible if my grandmother could register my car and have the car in her own name, and I buy Non Owners Auto Insurance to cover me while driving? Is this a bad idea, because it seems as though it would be much cheaper for me? Please let me know thanks!""

I just bought a Lamborghini does any 1 now how much insurance costs??/?

I just bought a Lamborghini does any 1 now how much insurance costs??/?

How much should the insurance cover?

I was at an intersection, a 4 way stop. I stopped, and entered the intersection. As I went into the middle of the intersecton, a car approached from the right hand side and he didn't stop at the intersection. He went straight through it and hit the right side of my car, he basically T-boned me. The guy had Geico, they first offered to pay me 70% that was raised to 75%, and after another call it went up to 80%. So I know they have room to wiggle around. If it helps teh other driver got a ticket from a police officer for failing to stop at the stop sign. The damage to my car is on the two doors, they're completely busted. I would think they would be liable to the full extent of the damages, but apparently not. Im in New York state if that helps at all. I got an estimate, and Im living on a college student budget and can't afford to pay 400 for this.""

How much life insurance should we have on each other at our age?

My husband is 27 turning 28, I am 24 turning 25. We own a home owe roughly 98,000 on it still, have two children. No credit card debt at all. (don't have any cards) Our cars are 2,000 away from being paid off so I don't think that should be figured in at all. I have 100,000 on my husband and 150,000 on me. I took more on me because he has no family here and though my family of course will help him if I passed away but I thought because I stay at home and he would have to find daycare and all he would need more. My sister said I should take out at least 2x my pay off on my house so that I could pay it off and still have 100,000 to cover financial issues until the parent left could settle in to taking care of a house hold alone. Do you agree? Should we increase our policies? I just don't know...it is hard to think of these things but I want to make sure that if one of us pass away my family will be taken care of and not have to worry about money.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-much-does-insurance-cost-chimney-sweep-business-eric-holt"