#like they need to realize a point when their child has become as indepedent to the point where they can actually dcide when they wanma see-

[thoughtchasers]

Stop Being a Killjoy

Today, someone I looked up to told me I was selfish and that my world evolved around myself. I listened attentively with open ears and an open heart, ready to make ammends and figure out how I could do better. It was hurtful to hear but I took deep breaths and took it in like a strong independent woman would. Until I broke down sobbing, apologizing through my short shagged breaths- like a strong indepedent woman would. 

My thoughts were reeling as this person explained from their perspective all the ways in which my lack of words came across as disrespectful and hurtful. She mentioned all the times I could have been more kind, generous, or grateful; and specifically illustrated a moment that was interpreted as neglegent and defiant. I was shocked, hurt, and overwhelmed by how sure this picture she painted of me was true in her own eyes. Our conversation got interrupted and had no closure but in a way I was glad for it. My emotions came erupting like a volcano and there was no way she was going to diffuse it. I needed God in that moment. The time we spent shopping together afterwards was unseemingly needed. I got the chance to reflect over everything she said as I strolled through the aisles of Burlington Coat Factory. I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t agree with everything she said but I couldn’t dismiss some of truth the truth in her claims either. To me, that was a huge improvement. 

For most of my life, I believed that I didn’t have a voice and devalued my opinion in any matter. However, I'm beginning to learn the value of taking what others say with a grain of salt and to trust yourself with your own process of growth. I know this for a fact, I wrestle with words. They’re not easy for me to express and I’ve been that way since I was a child. It’s what gravitated me towards short films, videography, and conceptual photography in my teen years. When I saw the power of emotions and storytelling through art, I practically floated into the computer screen. 

I could recall all the moments this woman claimed would have been the perfect time to express gratitude or generousity. I could recall them because I remember the wrestling that went on in my head, where in my mind– it sounds like an argument of two people in which both persons is me. Yet feels like the one who also loses is me, because I beat myself up every time. In the end, I get choked up and unable to say my truth.

Fast forward to present day, it’s now translated as I refuse to offer anything to people because I’m unkind and not generous. Which in reality, my head came to the conclusion that if someone wanted to try something of mine, that they would ask. But enough talk about my insecurities, because it’s really not all that what I want to address (for today...)

What triggered my unending sob in front of this lady, was how strongly confident she was in telling me how selfish I was. You know the times I can remember crying this hard? Was when my mother was yelling at me how selfish, ungrateful, disobedient, and rebellious I was. Wow, triggered right? 

I didn’t realize it until I got home and lied on my pillow, unable to sleep from the diner coffee I drank after our shopping trip. But what I realized more than how triggered I was, was the fact that I still have supressed emotions I haven’t dealt with. I grew very bitter at my mother in the past of all the hurtful and untruthful things she spoke over me. It always made me feel not good enough, incapable, and unloved. I’ve known this though. There’s been this distant knocking on some back door of my heart that some skeletons remain hidden in a closet somewhere, but I haven’t figured out yet how to get there. 

Two week ago, I knew God was calling me out of the 9-5 job to be more attentive to His voice. Turns out God likes to have a say on lots of things, like addressing what life we plan for ourselves. In short, I felt convicted to the core because I had taken back the reins of my life, yet again. It wasn’t so much that the job was a bad thing, but my mind had gone to a place where I depended so much on myself to make my future “happen”. Success was beginning to look like human approval from everyone else and I would be happy making everyone proud of me. I was okay with that idea at first, until God wasn’t, so I wasn’t. So I quit my job. Thus making everyone look at me quite frankly, disappointed, confused, and just plain weird... It was just weird. These last two weeks have been the most UNCOMFORTABLE season I have ever experienced. Trying to explain IT– ME, to anyone else was impossible. I had to realize that I didn’t owe anyone explanation just to please them, and even if I did try it didn’t make me feel any better. I just had to own the journey as my own, and walk it alone. Once I got to that point, things started to get better. 

I’m at a place (on my pillow) where I realize all those wrestling matches in my head are because I’ve allowed the voice of my mother to become my own. My biggest enemy has been me... all these years. For a while I thought I had to forgive my parents (and I did), but I never did leave room for myself to make mistakes. I never extended grace to myself and I put a lot of fears into my own head of failure, by emphasising on my insecurities of never being good enough. 

Someone texted me Monday to pray for healing and I knew it was God responding to my deep cry for help. The word healing has been on my heart since I was a bible student at Summit, it was something I had prayed for and I left that school feeling that somehow God overlooked me. But tonight, God has opened up my eyes to see that the real healing that needs to happen is right here, with my perception of self. It’s affected so badly how I see everything in life: my future, calling, relationships, and even ministry. I’m so glad God sees nme, and even though I don’t know what to pray for, He’s given me a word. And I can’t wait to cling to it and grow from it.

[horsegirl4000]

REAL EYES REALIZE REAL LIES