#i think that these diets are a form of disordered eating tbh

[thefrenchwordforegg]

what is with middle aged women and dieting culture. no carbs or sugar for 21 days. atkins diet. whole thirty. betting money on weight loss. 5 snacks a day instead of meals. i eat the essencr of a raspberry so im not hungry. i cannot eat fruit its too much sugar. if i injest this worm he’ll eat my carb receptors. have you any joy. are you happy? are you okay

[imustbenuts]

Seadall, localization, food, EABS culture, and discussion of Eating Disorder. Trigger Warning.

tl;dr: Seadall is pandering to an East Asian Beauty Standard, technically does not have eating disorder, but is bordering on Disordered Eating, and both the writers and localizers know it.

Our first official male dancer of FE has a bit of a obsession over controlling his diet to a concerning degree. But is it actually an Eating Disorder? No, I don't think so. From my pov, this has everything to do with his job, a Dancer and the dreaded East Asian Beauty Standard (EABS).

EABS idealizes the fair skinned (asian colorism rAAAAGH), the lean and thin. Any level of fats or flaps are no good and is considered undesirable, or worse, a sign of one's gluttonous and even slothful character. IRL, that sentiment has become less pervasive, less judgemental and less awful than 10 years ago, but it's still around. Hell, it's in our Fire Emblems! Average out the body shapes of all dancers or even characters in FE and you'll see what I mean.

(are you in hell yet.)

This EABS is especially prevalent in 1 genre of media that comes pouring out of Japan and Korea... The Pop Idol scene. In Japan, the idol industry can be traced back to the 1960s, and though it has propped up the EABS, this standard's roots goes FURTHER back to even pre-colonialism era, to China and the Tang Dynasty where willowy female bodies were ideal. (That's 618-907AD.)

And when I say EABS, I will include the surrounding countries outside of Japan too. Similarities in culture and all that. Hence East Asian. (Don't be mistaken though. South East and South Asia also has to deal with this shit.)

But hey. I'm still talking about female EABS, right? Where does Seadall fall into this?

Uhhhh. Jumpscare. Surprise K-pop.

(ps i dont know k-pop as well so idk who these ppl are im sorry waaaaug)

Dancers and the Idol Industry

It's easier to see on the female side, but uh, that specific body shape is often achieved through extreme dieting. The body fat % is so low that the dancer's lower ribcage can be seen. Before shooting the dance or a performance, these idol's agencies will notify them to slim down to a certain goal, like say drop 2kg (4.4 lbs) or 4kg (8.8 lbs) in x time, and this is typical. Guys here are no exception.

Weight is manufactured. Looks to some extent (plastic... surgery....). The clothes too, are intentionally picked. Exposing the belly is common since it's the quickest indicator of skinniness.

But hey, I actually lied about the dieting part. It's not really dieting as it's actually straight up starvation, tbh. To lose that weight, the dancers/idols will often eat as little as some protein shake, a few fruits and maybe potato for fiber. Yes, it's as hellish as it sounds, and no, these people are unable to fully function with a calorie intake like this. Source for this claim will be in a video at the bottom of the post by youtuber chaebin n out, titled "How K-POP Destroys Your Body". So.

W̵͓͍̏͝e̴͉̾ḽ̷͈͐ĉ̶̠̝͋ö̶̤́m̷̲̒ê̶̬ ̶̧̅ṭ̷̘͑͑ö̵͇́ ̸̛͖̑h̵̳̿͝ė̶͕͉l̵̜͖̇͗ḻ̶̑!̴̪͊̉

Ok, but that's K-pop. What about J-pop?

Japan, where FE rolls out from, have J-pop, which is slightly different. J-pop idols also suffer from EABS but afaik it's not as extreme. Many contemporary J-pop idol groups like Atarashii Gakko!(left) and Babymetal(right) also Do Not make thinness a major selling point with their costuming. This is usually done through hiding the midriff, where belly fat most easily forms. (EABS is still in effect though, don't be mistaken! There could be just as extreme cases out there I'm not aware of ;_;)

So it seems like people kind of agree that obsessing about weight and developing body image issue is messed up.

Hopefully now I've established what is going on irl for Seadall's influences, and what is considered normal or extreme. Relatively anyway. (I hate EABS so much hhggr)

Let's detour to...

Food! Staples! What's normal?

An average meal in Japan consists of a variety of veggies, tofu and a serving of protein, which results in lower fat intake. Also, RICE is a major staple in these meals, so assuming the writers are approaching it with the best intentions, and how Engage's normal might appear to native Japanese audiences, JP Seadall's worry only seems to be on oily food intake and is not overly concerning to me.

In fact, here is an example of a staple set meal (teishoku) I ate over there last December. Yum yum:

Overall a very lean meal. So it's likely Seadall eats something similar-ish and not just greens.

Another important point is that in (East) Asia/Japan, oily food is seen as unhealthy and contributes greatly to cholesterol. This aversion to oily food is driven somewhat by EABS and... Health. I also promise most people are actually chill about this. ...Most people! Meat is yummy! Gyukaku and Ikinari Steak is popular and popping! That's why Seadall likes it after all.

So this is where Seadall's writing starts to contrast. For the most part in the EN version, he only worries about meat. In JP, it's technically oily food, which meat falls under, and he's worried about putting on weight.

Why the extreme worry tho...?

The logic for why all these matters so much to him is this: if a dancer is surrounded by other dancers who are reinforcing this EABS (mirroring the standards of the real world), then their only choice to stay relevant and keep their job is to commit to the same dietary choice and uphold the same EABS, or even have a EABS outperforming the standard.

Because a Dancer's job, or rather, Seadall's job is to pander to people's ideals of beauty. Hence his supports where hair and skin and food becomes a topic.

If he fails the standard, according to the J-pop and K-pop industry, he kind of fails at his job. Is it fair? Fuck no, but no matter what opinion we may think of the standard as outsiders, it remains that there is a LOT of social conditioning and manufacturing going on leading to... all of that. I scream too. I scream a lot, internally.

So what does Seadall look like to someone in this East Asian sphere...?

To the writers credit, they do push for Seadall to indulge more food that makes him happy for at least his mental well-being through the other characters.

This also happens to fall in line with Engage's low key theme of cherishing the moment.

With all I've explained, Seadall might come across as warning to those who over-worry about oily food consumption and trying to pander to an EABS to... chill the fuck out. That it's ok to just go eat some delicious yakiniku if you want to! Go off! If a female character who is concerned with this comes across as too vain, then let's have a guy do it and hope the point lands for the (potentially female) players.

And with all these missing context, it's very easy for one who isn't clued into this sphere assume that Seadall has some eating disorder or that the writers are advocating it. I don't think that's happening here at all. The localizers likely are aware of this missing context and have toned it down several levels for EN release. Wise move, tbh.

(progressiveness can be relative btw. something to keep in mind @_@)

So, is Seadall coming close to some kind of Disordered Eating? Possible. From what I see I think the writers are trying to push Seadall away from it, and trying to stop it from becoming a full blown Eating Disorder. Personally, again, I don't think he has an Eating Disorder.

However! Your Mileage May Vary. I only hope for my opinion and understanding to help inform others, not override it. What's normal for me isn't for everyone, and vice versa, but it's important to remember where Fire Emblem originates from.

And here's the last thing I promised: the video essay if you really want to dive into it:

And that's about it.

Hope this was interesting! Thanks for reading. 😄

EDIT: the Chinese net sphere is the exception to all of this, EABS is especially bad there

[powerfulblob]

Nimona and Fatphobia

OK so for those of you who don’t know, they’re making Nimona significantly thinner in the movie version...

When she’s canonically plus-sized.

The original comic does a pretty good job with this, and avoids many commont ropes.

Still, I have some criticisms about size representation in the series as a whole, and I’ll get to those too.

Spoilers ahead.

Alos, tw for misogyny, fatphobia, racism, ableism, classism, eating disorders,

Before we start, a quick disclaimer:

I’m plus-sized, in the sense that this is the label that I think describes my size the best, and I have to get “oversized” clothes at Garage and my parents tried to get me to diet, so this was a big deal for me.

First...

First and most importantly: Size is not Nimona’s primary character trait.

She’s the main character of the series.

And this is something that’s such a big deal.

ND Stevenson himself said it in his earlier cartoon: The action comic industry is not so big on size representation.

In this comic, Stevenson critiques the way in which merchandise, posters, and the general culture of comics is very much misogynistic and portraying a very universally thin model.

The gendered sizing stereotypes and objectification come hand-in-hand. It’s the idea that women can only be seen as thin, busty objects of men’s consumption.

In any case, it’s the big deal that Nimona’s the main character.

She’s on the front cover of the book, the series is named after her, she’s the main character with arguably the most important role...

In any case, like this is the first thing I wanted to mention. While size representation is getting better, it’s usually a side character or two. But she’s the main character. I can talk about this alone for hours honestly.

2. Food

When I was reading Nimona again, I was worried because of the food tropes. I realized there was a running joke about pizza, and I was about to groan thinking of all the fatphobic comments that could come out of this.

But after actually reading this:

The joke isn’t about Nimona wanting food, it’s about her boss, Ballister, having nothing to eat in his fridge and having trashy taste.

He, dead-pan, says, “There are some genetically altered anchovies” Like what the hell is up with that?!

I actually think this is really awesome, as someone who struggled with eating disorders for a while.

I didn’t want another “The Whale” situation where the fatness was portrayed as a thing to be ashamed of, and directly caused by “junk food.” 

Nimona sips soda without caring for calories, has cravings that’s treated as something to familiarize her with the audience, and it’s overall a good job.

3. Power

This isn’t Shazam, in which thinness is considered synonymous with power.

She’s always portrayed as lively, and strong, regardless of her weight. If she needs to transform, it’s never to do with weight, but to do with form and function. Which is honestly a lot more than I was expecting.

Criticisms:

Amount There really aren’t that any other main characters that are plus-sized. Like, there are a few minor ones with less than 10 speaking lines, but nothing too major. But the one character that is important is treated with respect that I wish more plus-sized characters have in media today.

Still, there are a few worth mentioning. This includes Tabitha, the apple-seller, and Tabitha’s friend (again, extremely minor character but better than nothing). Like, I thought it was nice to see too sorta-thick characters getting together and chatting. You know, just living life. I thought that was nice. Sometimes normalcy is a good way to go when we have trash like The Whale out there.

Also, there was this random person with two speaking lines (not loving the ableist and classist stuff, tbh though)

Of course, there’s also my favorite character in the series, Dr. Blitzmeyer, but I’m still angry that she was menat to be thicker in the sketches so I’m not including her :(

Look at that! She was thicc af before

There were a few more plus-sized folks in the book, but no one who’s actually major.

In all:

I wish there were more plus-sized characters in the original comics, but that doesn’t remove the fact that Nimona was handled extremely well, especially for a comic.

[nelly-wants-to-b-skinny]

I've been wanting to do this but I'll just do it all together :)

1. weight- 185, chest- 41.2, waist-34.0, hips-44.0, thighs- 28.0

2. 5'5, yes im totally okay with my height tbh

3. we have a very similar body type so i feel like it's the most realistic for me

4. tbh just losing my dd boobs that's it.

5. im tired of being the big and ugly friend, i owe it to my young chubby self to finally be pretty.

6. define binge lol. to me if I eat normally i define that as binge. but tbh I don't think I actually binge idk.

7. yes they do, however they don't know how far I'm willing to go. but they don't. they're actually happy I am.

8. i would do cardio 3 times a week, and then do core 2 times a week, but now im doing chloe ting workouts so :))

9. 100% all the time, I've hears it ever since grade school tbh, and it's literally ruined who I am and my relationship with food.

10. i guess my love for baking, it's been really hard baking for my friends and family and not having the opportunity to have these things yk.

11. lol i don't have one hahaha.

12. hmm that's a good question, i usually stick to fruits i try to stay away from meat and dairy, however it's not always easy. but for a good day, I'll have my black coffee in the morning and then like a garden salad in the afternoon.

13. definitely unhealthy lmao, I will starve myself until I lose as much weight as I can.

14. 120lbs, it used to be 140 but that's how much my sis weighs and I wanna be smaller than her

15. I'm neither but I seriously am considering going vegetarian bc I didn't eat meat for 3 days and lost literally 7lbs so I just might.

16. I've always tried to lose weight, yk go on a diet, work out, however this year I realized I was going to go on vacation and I needed to look pretty for my pictures so I decided to go back to my old habits and I triggered my ed, it took some time like 2 months until eventually in the end of March I started thinking the same way once again. I would starve and calculate calories.

17. im not sure. I don't want to say yes since I'm not diagnosed, but I will say I have disordered eating 100%.

18. cheese. ik ppl are gonna scream, but I love it so much lol.

19. hmm actually a while back I think like a couple weeks ago maybe I month.

20. ballerina diet ahhh or maybe the iu diet.

21. triggered. lol I'm usually a L/XL for jeans I'm a 14. bra size is 38DD.

22. damn idk bruh, I remember when I used to be 160, that's the lowest number I can remember, that's when I started weighing myself and it ruined me. I don't remember gaining weight tbh, I think it was when I was recovering.

23. absolutely. growing up I watched eugenia a lot and i loved kpop in ms so I would always wonder what it would be like to be skinny like them.

24. uh i don't like them, but that's me personal. I'm not someone to encourage this illness to someone else.

25. yes. I've done it multiple times. my first time was at a party actually. I had eaten 3 slices of pizza and my stomach hurt rlly bad I had told my friend and she told me she'd find me laxatives or smth I told her no. so I hard searched up what to do and I found a reddit form about purging I did exactly that and threw up as much as I could. it was so bad I was crying bc I felt to bad but my stomach felt better. I think that's when I realized I could enjoy my food but also not consume calories.

26. CLOTHES. finally getting to wear what I want and look pretty no matter what. ugh I can't wait.

27. i try to slip into a mentality of like food isn't fuel it's trash, and it's gonna make you rot.

28. I'd love to, i want to lose as much thigh fat as possible I don't think i could think bc of my family genes

29. anything but me. I don't think beauty can be defined. to me beauty is a subjective what is beautiful to me is not beautiful to you.

30. im hispanic. i have curly hair. im bi. i have a gf. i like to bake. i can't swim. i have insomnia. i have social anxiety. i love kpop. coffee is my bsf.

[hestiasroom]

last day being 30 before my birthday tomorrow.

general thoughts:

i actually really liked being 30 once I got over the "my 20s are over mini crisis". early 30s seems great tbh?

i really need adult companionship. it's just very clear to me that i will need this in order to be happy long-term. now finding that is an entirely different story.

i'm glad i (finally) started to combat my extreme tendency toward self-isolation mainly due to what i unofficially diagnose as low self esteem and social anxiety.

i am still horrible in social situations, am constantly thinking about how bad i look/how awkward i must be, but i've said "yes" to every single opportunity to socialize that has come my way this year (not many, but still. i have to start somewhere) and just pushed through the fear. i'm glad i did. still hasn't borne any fruit and i'm still extremely lonely overall but maybe in another 2-3 years i'll see a change? hopefully?

it's hard to be this age and have such a clear picture of all of your flaws, yet very minimal insight into what if anything makes you an appealing person. i still don't find much if anything about myself that i like, and i think that is sad. meanwhile, i am beginning to understand the weight and impact of my many flaws and how they negatively affect me, and it's a lot to bear without the balancing influence of the good.

i still hate being fat and think it's unhealthy and think it will kill me. i also think it makes me really unattractive and it's one of the things that's made it so damn hard for me to socialize. i literally prefer to hide than deal with the shame of being seen this way. but i still also hate diet culture, hate the idea of policing my body any more than i do, still have not been convinced that there is any form of calorie restriction that can be maintained long-term, because it invovles you fighting a primal instinct for the rest of your life (hunger) which i do not believe is attainable for non-eating disordered people, i hate the person i was when i was still actively eating disordered, and have no real way of reconciling me getting thin with me being mentally healthy. so i continue to stay in limbo.

and yeah i really need real, romantic, intimate companionship. but i don't think that is possible with me looking the way that i do. maybe this reveals me as a horribly immature person, but that is my true thought pattern.

i would also really really like to be a mother. another feat that feels impossible but is nonetheless on my heart constantly. but do i really think i can be someone's mother? i don't know. i want to, though.

anyway even with all of that being said, and more that could be said but i won't, i will still really miss being 30. i just liked it here you know?

[yikesharringrove]

I dont know if I'm the only person who does this, whenever I have a fic or a headcanon I always have very small details about things that dont make it in just cause of how obscure they are, I was wondering if you had any of these for Steve with an ED? I know you cover most of it in your ballet au (I dont know how to spell the name-) But do u have any other thoughts on it?:)

I’m gonna put it under the little cut bc it got super long and it’s just a lot about eating disorders

So, I’ll do one for La Sylphide, and another just like, headcanons abt Steve with an ED

So, for La Sylphide, I actually have a deleted scene from Christmas break where Billy and Steve run into Tommy and he starts saying shit to and about Steve and getting really mean and aggressive, I mentioned Steve being bullied in high school and I wanted to bring this in and have that trigger Steve purging. Billy was gonna fight Tommy.

In that story, a lot of Steve’s dysmorphia and dysphoria go hand in hand. Because they’re gender non conforming and later come out as nonbinary, they have trouble identifying their dysphoria. They don’t have the vocabulary for it and it translates into this desire to do anything to be perfect. I mention in the fic that they take it to extremes because they are so lost in what “perfect” would be for them, they rely on the idea of the perfect ballerina.

Growing up in ballet, I knew a lot of people with eating disorders. Like, I had three really close dance friends all growing up, two of them struggled with an ED. I have one that I refuse to admit pls don’t look at me so this was based on that. Most professional ballerinas tend not to suffer from this, because they work out so much, and usually, they are just lucky genetically, but lemme tell ya, ballerinas going through puberty? Developing hips and cellulite and breasts? That can throw everything for a loop.

I think that when Steve reached this junction, going from growth spurt lankiness to developing muscle, broadening out, thickening up, that’s when the body issues began. They were finding a more adult body, one that is naturally thicker, but also they were finding a more “masculine” body and that was a real issue for them that they didn’t realize until they further understood their gender identity.

I think the eating disorder set in with the bullying, as well as the neglect and general abuse from their parents. They aren’t getting love, and they can’t figure out why, and since they already have an issue with their own body and weight, they decide that must be the issue.

In the fic, I kinda pictured them just eating enough to not pass out during a rigorous class, and then purging after class. But their bulimia is also super reactionary. Whenever something bad happens, typically with their parents, or with the whole Alex situation, their first instinct is to purge. This is linked to where it all came from, they are trying to figure out why they’re not getting the love they so desperately want.

There’s also such a vision in ballet of the perfect body, that when you don’t fit that, it can be detrimental. Steve saw themself as not fitting that mold, but knew that ballet was it for them, that’s all they ever wanted to do, and would do anything to get it. It all kinda blend together.

-

Now for regular Steve ED headcanons:

I have something halfway written, don’t know if I’ll finish it tbh, about Steve finding diet pills in his mom’s vanity. It kind of focuses on him slowly going through different forms of EDs, and it all centers around his mother calling him beautiful and saying “all we have is our looks”, kinda projecting onto him bc a lot of moms do that :/ and people in his life telling him stuff like “well, you’re lucky you’re pretty” so he has it ingrained in him that he’s a pretty face and that’s it, so he begins to hyper analyze his body, and the more he thinks about it, the more he spirals.

It goes into him talking about his body, and how beautiful he thinks it is, like he’s reached his final form, and he's like, emaciated. He talks about how elegant his collarbone looks sticking out, like that kinda thing. So it derives from this high society, from this everything is perfect, and I’m perfect, and my life is perfect aren’t I wonderful, as well as the pressure around him to be The Best, to be King Steve, to be this shining model of everything one should want, and his dad putting high expectations on him and then, losing his shit when Steve doesn’t reach them.

In either scenario, it comes from his parents, this one it’s just mostly his mother projecting her issues onto him until he collapses under them.

Here’s a snippet of the ficlet:

Billy wouldn’t understand. “Why are you doing this?”

Because of a mother that always said our looks are all we have and Steven, must you eat like such a piglet? and a father that would say if you were a girl I’d tell you to marry well and people respect you if you’ve got money and looks. Don’t be an idiot and lose them.

“It’s what I want.”

“It’s killing you.”

[firesfelt]

afternoon, all ! finally getting my last ( for now... i already have Temptations ) intro up, and hopefully without a rushed ending because i suddenly have to do something lmao. while i’m not Wild about my intro graphics in general ( why does this one lowkey look stretched, for a start... ) but the fact that that ‘o’ is perfectly circling amanda’s eye ? an absolutely accident but *chef’s kiss* nonetheless. i’m writing this up while saving rp icons, so let’s see if i can multitask !!

( amanda seyfried, 30, cis woman, she/her ) AISLING O’CONNOR was seen listening to HAPPY BY LEONA LEWIS on their way to DIETICIAN. AISLING is known to be OPEN-MINDED & UNFORIGVING.

➜ so first thing’s first, aisling is pronounced ‘ash-ling’ ( or ash-lin depending on your accent/whether you drop your ‘g’s or not ) and although it would make my life so much easier when it comes to typing if she did, she really doesn’t take well to anybody calling her ‘ash’ ( i’m up for the challenge though ! give me someone in her life who can finally get away with shortening her name !! she doesn’t tolerate nicknames at all but can we change her ? let’s see ! )

➜ and with a name like aisling o’connor, i’m sure y’all really don’t need three guesses as to where she’s from. she was born in belfast, and is the oldest of six sisters -- all of them blonde, and all of them beautiful ( would it be obnoxious to submit wc’s for all of them ? possibly... will i do it anyway ? perhaps... ) she comes from a very family orientated family, so when her parents wanted to move the family out of ireland due to the conflict at the time, it wasn’t surprising that aisling’s aunt, uncle, and cousins came too, as well as her darling nanna. 

➜ aisling landed in huntsville at the age of six, but you best believe her accent is still just as prominent now as it was while running around belfast. as the oldest sister, she took on a lot of responsibility within the household, helping to raise the little ones with a roll of her eyes a each request, but also while being easily ignored. her parents were in no way neglectful, but with five smaller children to look after, their focus simply wasn’t on aisling.

➜ this meant that aisling fell through the cracks a little, and issues that began to surface as a teenager went unnoticed. while she never actually had a problem with her weight, teenagers can be wildly cruel and the societal pressures of looking a certain way can lead to young minds being warped, so aisling was very aware that she looked different to her peers. she was more... thicc/curvy/buxom, as a way to put it. 

➜ attention might not have been drawn to her body as much if her interests were different. aisling spent her childhood and teenage years in dance classes, drama workshops, and singing lessons, all with the goal of training in musical theatre and going on to become an actress. there was a certain body type that surrounded her, and it wasn’t one she possessed, herself. 

➜ it never became a problem, though, until she did go to college for musical theatre. her parents wanted all six of their girls to go to university, and they promised they’d pay what they could towards it as long as they went. they’d support any course, any major, just please go to university. however, aisling dropped out after two years. teachers, professors, agents, casting teams, they all  had something to say, something to critique, something to jab at, and it lead to aisling’s self-image crumbling to the point of severe unhappiness, and developing an unhealthy relationship with food. constantly being told to drop ten pounds, as one can imagine, had a pretty gnarly effect on her. 

➜ while she knew it would be possible to make it anyway, to prove the industry wrong, to make change, to represent different body types so young girls in the future don’t have to doubt themselves like she did, aisling decided her own mental health was both too fragile to do that, and more valuable than doing that. 

➜ i feel like i’m going on about this a bit too much lmao, so i’m gonna wrap it up a bit: she was able to recover from the disorded eating that formed as a result, and discovered a newfound passion about nutrition, and was able to care about it without obsessing. she really wanted to form new habits around food and body image, and realised that her perspective and beliefs actually went way back to childhood, and it then extended into wanting to help other people. eventually, aisling went back to school and studied to become a dietician, which she now is. she has a special interest in helping young woman recover from disorded eating patterns and develop a healthy relationship with food and their body, and stomping all over diet culture, but she sees all kinds of clients in general. 

➜ so life has obviously taken a very different turn for her, but she’s really kind of,,, okay with that at this point ? it is what it is, and that pathway really didn’t suit her. she didn’t have the skin for the industry --- or maybe the industry shouldn’t require her to have such thick skin, but it’s in the past now.

➜ also, p.s, i really don’t want it to come off like i think that there’s no place for women in theatre that don’t have sutton foster’s body, y’know ? that ain’t it !!!! it’s more,,, the absolutely ridiculousness of the pressure actresses have to look a certain way, esp. in theatre where if you’re not really slim, but you’re not big enough for roles like madame thernadier/tracy turnblad/nadia mcconell/martha dunstock/etc, there’s no place for you ? or people act like there’s no place. also don’t want it to come off bad in that,,, obviously at the end of the day, aisling is a thin woman that’s a bit,,, curvy ? like oh poor thin white woman ? that ain’t it, that isn’t what i’m trying to do jshsbss. d’you get me ? tryin to comment on how the industry can be a bit Shit, without making it out like little white cis women are the ones discriminated against. hopefully y’all get me sjhnbssbs

➜ also, when i was Creating aisling, i was originally going to make her older, and was gonna use keri russell, which is a Fun Time. i absolutely love keri though so don’t be surprise if i pop up with a keri fc later on down the line, lmao. 

➜ in terms of personality, i feel like the two traits i picked for her app are a little, like, contradictory in a way ? but i love characters with conflicting personality traits. she’s very open-minded, easy to talk to, very accepting, etc ( she’s kinda like a therapist in that when you talk to her, she’ll just kind of nod and not show any kind of,, Reaction either way, she’s just Observing until it’s her turn to speak. she’s just taking everything in and Receiving without judgement for the most part ) but when she’s personally hurt, in a way that directly impacts her ( usually related to her family, tbh ) there is,,, no forgiving. she’ll hear you out, and maybe be able to move on from it, but forgiveness for the big, big things is r a r e. 

➜ like how gwen is always sort of,, Faking happiness, i feel like aisling is always sort of chasing happiness ? she always wants to do what’s best for herself, and loves and respects herself deeply, so she’s always making the choices that are more likely to lead to long-term happiness, even if it bloody well hurts in the meantime ---- like giving up acting. 

➜ i feel like while emika is just a loner in general who can’t handle more than fwb situations and one night stands, and gwen doesn’t have the time to form proper relationships with people due to her shift work, aisling is just really, really unlucky in love. like, for whatever reason, things just don’t work out, or turn sour, or just... fall apart. there’s a long line of exes and flings, people she took home to her parents and people she thought it best not to, all of which ending in tears. 

➜ at least she has her bunny rabbits, though. they’ll never let her down. their names are sondheim & shwartz, and they are her pride and joy. 

➜ her family play a massive role in her life, and she doesn’t know any differently and wouldn’t want to. her nanna is, as you can imagine, really quite old at this point, and deteriorating health-wise, but the whole family band together to keep her well and try and keep her mind active.

➜ in terms of connections and plotting, again, i’m really open. i’m willing to give absolutely anything a go and try and work stuff out. i’m also always open to hearing ideas for plots people really want and seeing if any of my characters fit. but for loose ideas for now: failed relationships & exes ( there’s lots of room there ), clients ( definitely don’t have to have issues with food necessarily ! she also sees people for things like dietary restrictions due to allergy or recently diagnosed illness like diabetes or pcos or w/e, pregnancy, folks who just want to create a meal plan that makes their body feel its best, picky eating in kids, etc ! ) people she went to school with, other theatre-y folks to bond with, honestly absolutely anything. 

[lovingonrepeat]

CW / TW ; ED, diets, food etc etc etc

Unfortunately, I work in an industry where appearance is very important, and even more specifically, the way my body looks is constantly scrutinized.

It was decided that cuz of it I need to put on a fat loss eating plan "to become my best self" and on a workout plan, and decided to limit and monitor all the calories, carbs, protein and fat I eat. Not only that, I was put specifically on a low carb diet where the protein number is damn near impossible to reach and the carb number is impossible to not go over. I'm supposed to be eating 1,600 calories and I'm barely hitting 1,300 cuz I can't go over the other numbers. I've been hungry and tired since Wednesday and every time I try to say something I'm just told that hunger is in the mind and that I'm not eating strategically and should remove food I like in favor of food I hate just to meet the numbers that are being thrust upon me.

Whenever I try to complain or say I don't want to do it I'm basically being told to suck it up and how I'm undisciplined and how it's all in my mind and even when I got emotional earlier and started crying cuz I'm fucking hungry I was scolded for it and told how I'm impossible to talk to when I won't accept help and am emotional.

I've had image struggles regarding my weight and eating for years and I almost developed an eating disorder when I was younger but I knew enough to know that not only would it not help, but I would never be able to get away with not eating or any other form of eating disorder in my family. But with this diet my self image is worse than ever when I keep hearing how I have to lose weight and fat and tone up and keep getting scolded every day for not eating the way it's been deemed that I should, and I'm really just feeling like I'm being pushed towards an eating disorder and that the delicate relationship I've worked carefully to build with myself and with food is being sledgehammered for no reason whatsoever. But I don't even feel like I can share that because it'll just be used against me or I'll be told to suck it up or get scolded for feeling that way and I can't deal with that right now tbh.

This week has just felt like I have zero control over my own life, and now even the food I put into my own fucking body, and I think I'm feeling the worst I've felt in years cuz of it. I finally had to basically beg to get things changed and was only able to get a little bit of give but I still have so much that has just been decided for me is off limits without my consent. I don't know but I'm so emotionally, physically and mentally and exhausted, and I'm just really really really over everything and over feeling helpless.

[dingletragedy]

multiples of 5 xx

oh u little shit x

5. something you enjoyed about lockdown?

ok probably a little crazy if an answer buuut being at work. despite it being the toughest time ever, i will always treasure it. getting to work with children i never had before, facing new challenges, and probably, most importantly, having that little bit of normality for 7 hours a day!

10. favourite lockdown activity?

drunk zoom calls and quizzes for friends birthdays etc!

20. have you been able to go on holiday this year?

yes i have! and i know how lucky i am to have done so. in february, when covid was just something we heard about once a week on the news, me and my brother went to alicante in spain. i now treasure that holiday so soooo much!!!

25. favourite online shop?

i’m not a massive fan of online shopping and never have been, but this year i’ve brought a lot from deciem for skincare and Etsy for lots of wall prints etc!

30. what did you only start to appreciate because lockdown took it from you?

oh god, so much!!!! but mostly travel, i think? despite us living all over the country, i used to see my uni friends all the time. we’d randomly hop on trains and have days out and always meet up in sheffield again. but not it’s so difficult to even say each other in a park for the day etc. never take it for granted again.

ALSO gigs!!!!! football!!!!! oh my GOD i will never complain about watching derby v barnsley on a cold wednesday night again.

35. favourite series that was released this year?

normal people for SURE

40. favourite album that was released this year?

zero’s- declan mckenna

45. what did you do to prevent yourself from from going insane during lockdown?

i went insane :) jokes teaching myself sign language / makaton - especially in the form of harry styles songs

50. did you buy Disney+?

no i did not

55. books or audio books?

books, definitely!!!

60. most used social media this year?

tumblr, obviously

65. did you panic buy anything?

no lol i didn’t get the the shops in time

70. any weird coping techniques you developed during lockdown?

yes .... harry styles

75. favourite memory of the year?

oh god so many? securing myself a permanent job, weekend in liverpool with my best mate, hiking with a friend, christmas day, spending weeks with my little brothers, a lovely meal with my grandparents ...

80. did you get into a new relationship this year?

definitely not

85. did you drastically change your diet this year?

i’m recovering from an eating disorder my diet drastically changed every week lmao

90. been abroad this year?

yes back in feb when life was sweet :(

95. how are you going to spend NYE?

probably getting drunk on zoom

100. was this ask meme better or worse than 2020?

better x 100 tbh

[butchprincecharming]

CW: disordered eating thoughts

After WEEKS of fucking up my diet- a single week where I fucked up even worse, making awful decisions because my medication increase making me not care (excuses, I know) I thought I’d weigh, to see how bad I’d messed up my loss and how much it would take to recover. I thought about what I ate yesterday and was confident I must be bloated out of my mind. So how have I lost 5 pounds??? I’m. So lost. I thought my scale might be broken because I got on it and it said I’d lost /a/ pound, so I reset it, and now, consistently, no matter how much I reset it it says I’ve lost about five. Like what the fuck. I was having trouble losing when I stopped weighing. How much must I have lost if I’ve eaten the awful things and amounts I have the past few days- in the past day, that I can still feel weighing me down- and the scale still shows five pounds?

Tbh I was having. Unhealthy thoughts. I had an intension of how to fix what I’d been doing and weighing was the first step. I figured weighing would give me the motivation to do it. And I still want to eat vegan, and on top of that healthier vegan than I’ve been- that was an unfortunate lapse of judgment based on a variety of excuses- and the thoughts of what I wanted to do hasn’t exactly magically gone away, but... what the hell. Seeing I’ve averaged actually /losing/ weight, however much more slowly, without looking at the scale, definitely makes me stop and pause. Like, I know my opinion of what I’m doing shouldn’t be entirely based on weight, and the health and moral reasons definitely have been what kept me on so hard for 3.5 months before I messed up. But if free form vegan eating, even with my many health mess ups and few recent veganism mess ups, still averaged to loss- I actually feel like I’m being shown how returning to that obsessive approach, might fuck me up. Like- rationally I know that the things I did to lose weight before I went vegan and mostly wfpb were obsessive, and usually resulted in maybe five pounds of loss, followed by binging and 15 pounds of gain, a cycle that went on so long I got to my high weight of 365. But part of me was like- now that you cook healthy things and eat vegan even when you’re unhealthy, maybe you could just. Go back to some of the “method” changes you wanted to do, and moderate yourself, get yourself back on track. Some of them aren’t that bad, like how I want to slow down my eating and be more mindful- that change was never that obsessive. But others definitely made my therapist side eye me, and I’m sure struggle not to outright tell me to stop, for months. So this kinda slapped me and made me be like- oh, maybe I really /shouldn’t/ go back to that extreme approach.

I don’t know. Anyway, I’m going to do better from here on out- my meds are in my system and I can actually think again, which helps a lot. Basically living my life in a fog, on my period, having to go into further debt to pay over a thousand dollars to get my car back running- things just stacked up, and though I still shouldn’t treat that as “okay,” i can’t get off track every time things in my life go bad, I know I’m still relatively new and I’m trying to be nice to myself.

On positive notes- I got some vegan cookies in the mail, I bought some tasty vegan food yesterday, received some cookbooks for Christmas, and have the ingredients to make me what will hopefully be a good wfpb soup for my dinners for the week. Time to dig back in

[mcribel]

( ella purnell + 18 + muse 05 ) isn’t that maribel sawyer over there? i heard SHE joined faction one after they got back to west ham. it’s funny, ‘cause they were only on the service trip to do something kind. hopefully they fit in there – they’re TENDERHEARTED, but also BIDDABLE. oh, i’m sure they’ll be fine. ( james, she/they, 20, EST )

hello it’s me again !! i have really bad uuuhhhh self control so i brought in this sweetie !!

TW: PAST EATING DISORDER (MENTIONS ONLY), MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES.

a e s t h e t i c s

handwritten letters and ink-stained hands, vintage magnifying glasses and worn oxfords, knee-high socks and scraped knees, ribbons in hair and turtlenecks underneath dresses, dried flowers and locked up diaries, suede skirts and oversized cardigans, hot tea and cold coffee, flinching at loud noises, loud voices, record scratches and stumbles, stuttering words and beet-red faces, bitten nails and awkward stances, blankets laid out in the sun and the smell of newspapers.

general info !!

full name: maribel ottoline sawyer

nickname(s): mari, bell, lottie b/c middle name, etc. etc. just sawyer sometimes idk

b.o.d. - june 1st, 18 yrs old

label(s): the marionette, the demure, the obsequious, the allegiant, etc.

height: like 5′3″

hometown: duluth, minnesota

sexuality: ??? ??? ?????

stats TBD but her pinterest is HERE !

biography !!

born the middle child to a man in the air force and a woman whose passions laid among writing diet cookbooks and recording cooking DVDs, maribel was never anything extraordinary.

after all, her elder sister had a voice made for broadway, and her younger brother was writing sonnets before he’d hit middle school. and maribel was just maribel, another girl with middle child syndrome

her household was typical, conservative all-american, strict no matter where they moved. curfew before 9pm and family dinner every sunday, mandatory; better not miss out on those vegetables or you’ll be sitting there for hours. grounded for grades below their expected. the usual.

there wasn’t anything particularly interesting in her life for the longest time. she was just another shy girl who moved to school to school, quiet and seated in the very back of class, as if that’d allow her the coverage to remain unseen.

she couldn’t color in the lines, or follow the lines, or draw a straight line, the kind of gal who opened her mouth at the wrong time, whose voice got washed away by another’s interrupting. she got picked on at most schools, due to her size and her stumbling words, and she’d let it happen for the most part. always the wannabe, trying to be who she wasn’t.

it hadn’t helped that her mother was some sort of ... health food guru, a woman obsessed with image and the epitome of health - her practices were often forced upon maribel, especially, beginning in a long, difficult relationship with food.

by the time she was a freshmen in high school, her parents had divorced and, for a brief moment, mari thought she could finally settle down somewhere and become a normal teenager. this was until, of course, her mother enrolled her in a boarding school in nevada.

with her sister graduated and her brother still in middle school, mari was left alone in a strange school; the only constant being the cliques that surrounded herself and the money they waved around, as if it were nothing.

the only time she was ever really approached was because of her knack with forgery, a talent picked up after hours of mimicking others’ handwriting, an attempt to change every single part of her into someone likable.

often stayed in the computer labs during lunch and free periods, firstly because she’d never been allowed to have a computer at home (rots yr brain!) and secondly because she’d gotten into programming, and it was something she could actually ... see herself doing, potentially.

was alone in this until her sophomore year, when the next new kid found their way into the computer lab; the loser zone, the land of outcasts. this individual, despite their quirks and oddities, became maribel’s first genuine friend. they were a little too into conspiracies and mysteries, but that was alright.

soon enough, it started to rub off onto maribel, as well, who’d always been observant but not the kind of gal to put it to use. they became a tiny pair of investigators, p.i.’s without the certification, investigating petty school drama that was usually written on the inside of a bathroom stall.

essentially a less impressive nancy drew / scooby doo gang / veronica mars duo.

surprisingly ! beginning junior year, maribel got involved with the weed and underaged drinking and whatnot b/c her like, very best friend was doing it and she wanted to be...impressive, i guess?

so then they became stoner detectives. about halfway thru their junior year is when things got uuhh ... complicated.

one night they were just, y’know, getting high and other typical teenager things. and then someone started talking about aliens, and then area 51, and then they both became increasingly aware that they were living in nevada and Not Too Far from the airbase.

long story short, they attempted to break into area 51. they got caught, got charged with trespassing and had to be bailed out of county jail, maribel’s dad almost lost his job, and her best friend disappeared without a trace almost immediately afterwards. spooky shit !

this is when her mother packed up and moved them to west ham, kansas ! it was for a ~fresh start~ but really was just a way to keep her eye on maribel.

i mean, god, for the rest of her junior year maribel was miserable. she was a student at west ham high but like ... god, she hardly spoke to anyone. drug tested every week, essentially on some sort of form of house arrest.

wasn’t really allowed to get a job during this either ! so she made money by anonymously creating and selling fake I.D.’s b/c like ... yolo, y’know? why not?

her mental health deteriorated during this and by the summer before her senior year she was getting help for an eating disorder. she was essentially gone the entire summer, but like ... doubt anybody noticed tbh !

by the time senior year rolled around, maribel was in a better place and was like ... determined not to fall into a bad headspace again. her anxiety’s still pretty strong but ! she’s trying !

uuh started working for the school newspaper as a help column under a fake name b/c ! this was her way of branching out and getting to know students w/o actually doing it lmao.

took a few of her classes online so she could leave school earlier, just b/c it was a major source of anxiety for her and like ... she couldn’t eat alone in the bathroom again. her mom was a little less ... restrictive, so maribel got a job.

or well ... she got a lot of jobs. maribel, being maribel, can hardly keep a job b/c she usually ends up fucking up real badly in an almost comical manner and getting fired.

on the otherhand, she had earned herself a partial scholarship and was debating over majoring in computer science or investigative journalism (her parents were very disapproving of her doing computer science, however, so she was likely to be forced into journalism) ... until the trip.

she went as a simple act of kindness, y’know, to give back to the community that she hardly knew.

and now here we are !! joining faction one b/c she knows of everybody there and they’re all her age and like ... she can’t be on her own or she’d actually die lmao so !

personality !!

god ... she’s awkward. like just, straight up awkward. she’s real bad at talking to others.

always tripping and stumbling over her words, and occasionally her own two feet. she’s constantly jittery and just like ... fidgety b/c she’s usually nervous. touch her hand. it’s shaking. why? she doesn’t know !

however maribel is like ... very very very nice. tries really hard to be kind to everybody and tries really hard 2 be a good pal to whoever makes their way into her life.

sorta kinda like ... adjusts her personality 2 match whoever she’s talking to b/c she wants to be likable. oh, you smoke marlboros? me too ! proceeds to cough a lung after inhaling one (1) cigarette. that sort of shit.

used to smoke a lot of weed but ! didn’t really do it that much in recent months. might increase now that her mom isn’t around but you never know. uuhh the rare times that she does drink it’s like ... a complete flip in her personality. becomes ms. extrovert, a flirt of flirts. but that’s very rare.

very hesitant with befriending people even tho she ! desperately wants friends ! she’s just a little untrusting ... a little worrisome ... believes she’s cursed to be a friendless loser for the rest of her life. so she’s definitely like .. a try hard too.

i mean like i don’t think ‘no’ is in her vocabulary ! she’ll do anything if u ask and like .. sound like u really want it. really just is seeking approval whenever possible.

squeaks like a mouse :/

rambles ! when she’s nervous ! and apologizes a lot.

she’s just like ... insecure and doesn’t expect anybody 2 remember her from anything jskdfg

easily bends to other’s will, easily manipulative / easy 2 step on / etc. etc.

she does smile and like ... laughs a lot tho ! b/c she tries rly hard to come off as like happy and optimistic and like ... not having deep-rooted issues with herself. 

she’s a good kid, just a lil plain jane. can’t talk for shit but has given good written advice b4. is good w/ math n numbers but not much anything else.

she is really observant !! doesn’t rly use it to her advantage tho :/ she just makes mental notes ... writes shit in her diary b/c she 100% keeps n writes in her diary daily. 

sort of lies abt herself too ! like it’s nothing serious but like ... she doesn’t rly want others to know how lame she is sdifkg

can be ... ditzy , lacking common sense, a little naive ... just wants everything to be okay :(

loves vintage stuff ! owns p much only vintage stuff ! also listens 2 like ... records exclusively like the dork she is. like soft indie pop and other shit.

has probably cried 2 mitski but like ... who hasn’t :/

literally only turned 18 like ... a few days ago ... she’s baby ...

wanted connections !!

god okay ... so like obv i would like some friends for her ... varying degrees of closeness.

idk somebody she has crushed on before / is crushing on currently .. but like, from afar, like she’d never talk to them but she can look !! and dream !! and write their names together in her diary

somebody use her b/c she’s so naive n like ... usable. idk what for but ! anything ! get her to steal shit ! get her to wreck shit or to lie for you or whatever !

like ... fake friends ... ppl who’ll throw her away once her purpose is done

alternately !! something pure n wholesome.

ALTERNATELY srsly though. wreck her shit. convince her you care for her n then betray her !!

conspiracy pals ... for the rare times she gets high ...

someone she flirted with once while drunk at like a party and now she’s embarrassed and avoids them :/

an ex-tutor b/c ... don’t think school’s in session anymore ...

ppl who genuinely want the best for her and like ... care for her as a living person.

someone who just cant stand ! that she’s so weak minded and malleable ! and rather than use her they just ... clash with her. cause arguments even tho maribel doesn’t rly... do that.

like someone just yell at her sdikfg

someone has to get her out of a sticky situation and they’re like ... Annoyed. might not wanna admit it but ! and she just feels bad

ppl who she’s definitely given a fake I.D. to

ppl who literally forgot she existed dkfmghg

someone for her to follow around like a lil puppy and sidekick !! b/c she doesn’t have a single independent thought !! someone she’s just rly trying to impress

someone found her diary and oh no ! it’s embarrassing !

c o r r u p t  h e r. idk how ! seduce her ! make her look at the world differently ! ruin her ! DESTROY HER !

literally ... anything ...pleathe ... i’ll give u a penny. 

[katsuki-king-of-twinks]

trigger warning: body image, weight, diet/food, eating disorder, nudity mention

...BUT ALSO!!! body positivity! self love and acceptance! good vibes, good feelings!

>> if you wanna skip past the negative stuff, just start @ the blue text block like this one below the cut <<

I "have" an eating disorder.

((I'm in that weird space where I wanna say I "used to" have or "used to" struggle with an eating disorder, because I haven't been, like... "practicing," I guess??? (i.e. fasting/starving, restricting/calorie counting, over-exercising, etc.), in a long time. But it really is an illness of the mind, not the body, and it is very much a frame of mind that I am still living in and trying to grapple with all the time. So it wouldn't be entirely truthful to say that I "used to" have an eating disorder, because I definitely still do; I just haven't allowed it to control or overpower me to the point of physically effecting me in a long long while.))

And I am currently, technically and objectively speaking, in the worst shape of my life. I weigh more than I ever have, I am paying ZERO attention to what and how much I eat, and I am getting a minimal amount of exercise.

>> all the negative stuff is over now; but there is still the mention of nudity and some slight nsfw implications from here down <<

... and yet, I was getting changed just now, and I looked at myself --mostly naked-- in the mirror, and thought,

"damn, I'm fucking hot.."

... and like.. !!?! that's a really. big. fucking! deal! for me! like, what the fuck?! I'm still a little bit in shock, tbh, that I,, fucking evidently,, believed that sentiment enough for my brain to form an intelligible and staunchly affirmative statement asserting it. like, that declaration came into my head entirely unbidden. and it is entirely contrary to the way I generally look at and think of myself; I am rarely so generous, kind, and accepting towards myself as I always strive to be with others. And this is especially true when I look at myself without clothes on, so the fact that this happened under those exact circumstances is fucking... unprecedented and inconceivable..

so yeah, I'm just kind of reeling over here, I guess! what the hell, man!? this feels good! there are several ways in which my appearance no longer fits inside the parameters of what our culture considers "healthy," "pretty," or "desirable;" but in spite of this, and in spite of the frankly caustic and critical lens through which I see myself,, It seems *I* still think I'm goddamn sexy, and I am still capable of being kind and gentle to myself.

fucking wild, man. who knew?

[harcules]

Personal update¯\_(ツ)_/¯

This is just a chance for me to talk about a couple of things I’ve been thinking about lately.

Firstly since I’ve graduated in September I’ve been in this really weird place. Mentally. Mostly bc I never thought I would get here. That’s the thing about mental illnesses; they rob you of your future. I thought I would be dead by now so I never mentally prepared for the future. This is uncharted territory and I feel lost. I think that’s why I’m so apprehensive about taking the next step. I feel like I’m so far out of my comfort zone bc this was never even an option for me and yet here I am

Also to tie into that. I should be looking at jobs within my field. Architecture internships. But I’ve moved back home and have been living off my savings. To apply for jobs I need a portfolio of my work and tbh all in all it’s like 3 weeks work max but I’ve been putting it off. It terrifies me bc once I done it’s like I’m only as good as that portfolio. That’s how I’ll be viewed professionally. But I’ve been doing little bits here and there trying not to freak myself out about it. I need to just suck it up and do the thing y’know?

I’ve spoken a little about the volunteering opportunity I applied for and got. I appplied bc it related to my degree. Which is exciting but terrifying. I found out the other day that I got the 8 week program in Fiji. I’ll be helping to design and rebuild a local village that was destroyed by typhoons. I’ve to fundraise a lot so I’ll probably do something on here where I’ll draw people’s display pictures in order for a donation or something. Idk yet

Mentally I’m doing better. I figured out that I need to do some form of exercise daily or otherwise my depressive mindset can really take hold and I revert to my old ways. Exercise is my natural antidepressant. It doesn’t make me happy but it returns me to base level and I can handle stress and shit much better. It really quietens my anxiety too.

Health wise I’m doing well. I’ve been going to the gym 4/5x per week and focusing on progression. So just getting stronger, fitter and more flexible. I’ve actually lost 15lbs since the end of December and I haven’t spoken about it on here bc I don’t want to be congratulated for that. I’m not focusing on my appearance any more and that weightloss is a side effect of becoming more active. It is what it is.

My diet is good. I haven’t struggled with any eating disorder behaviours this year. The thoughts are always there and my self image is so so so unstable but I’ve just been trying to focus on food that makes me feel good and it seems to be working. Tbh I have been calorie tracking here and there but not strictly. I do weigh myself every morning which is questionable but it’s more so to see how my diet is affecting me and I haven’t gotten upset when the number goes up yet so I think it’s okay for now?

I think that’s everything I wanna talk about rn 🌚

[kaizykat]

just before i write this, i want to say that i'm okay right now. i don't have any plans to do anything nor the means to do anything.

i typically don’t dwell too much on this, but i need an outlet today.

that being said: TW for suicidal ideation, near death experience, ocd, and eating disorder stuff

if you don’t know, i have ocd. i’ve had the signs and symptoms since i was a little kid. it’s just gotten more intense over the years.

mine manifests itself as a fear of becoming ill. like, sick to my stomach ill. (all other forms of illness are bearable)

for whatever reason, my body decided to be like “fuck it” one day in 2013 and stopped processing food right. just like, out of the blue. no rhyme or reason. i was tested for stuff and got an IBS diagnosis which means fuck all, tbh.

so since then, i’ve worked my diet all the way down to one or two items of food. right now i’m living on rice crackers, ensure, and xanax.

physically, i’m more healthy now than i was last year, where i was hospitalized three different times for probably some of the strangest drug overdoses the hospital has ever seen (don’t let your ocd creep into your medications is all i have to say).

the last time, last august, i got wiped out hard. i just randomly collapsed and choked and my mom called the paramedics and yeah. it’s like running into a brick wall. i woke up and had no idea what was going on. i couldn’t even tell what month of the year it was.

i still can’t remember what happened in the hours preceding the event. for a time period there was just blank space in my head for weeks afterward.

and most people i’ve read about or spoken with have such a peace after having a near-death experience. like, “i now know what truly matters and am a happier person who takes each day as a gift.”

meanwhile, i’m over here fucking resentful as hell because i never experienced that. like, every day i’d wake up and think “ugh why did i have to survive?” and i’m still resentful, just not as much.

i just want to own a body that would tolerate food. that’s all i want. if it’d just accept food i’d be fine. i’d still have stupid little fears, but that’s the big all-consuming one.

i really want a cup of coffee.

who knows. maybe some of the tests they do on me this time around will show something.

[diary-of-a-former-fat-kid]

The Beginning

When I was born I was 8 lbs 1 oz - that made me the heaviest of my mother's children. I am the youngest of the family. As a baby, being chunky was cute and adorable - I mean who doesn't think chubby little baby legs are cute? As a kid in school, it got you picked on, especially when you add the awkwardness that I never really got out of the oral stage of Freud's Stages of Development and I sucked my thumb until well in middle school, but that's a different confessional blog.

Although following on the oral stage of development, that's commonplace for addicts or those who might have a binge eating disorder (Food Addiction isn't actually in the DSM-V, but is currently being studied by various sources). If I were to diagnose myself, I would say I have a food addiction, because I do crave it no matter if I'm really hungry or not. It has been something that has been a form of comfort since I could remember. On top of remembering the cravings of food and the comfort in them, I also remember my check-up before 5th grade weighing 199 lbs (90.26 kg). Ever since then I've dealt with weight loss and weight issues.

The problem for me, anyway, with the weight issue included a lifetime of self-esteem issues, depression, and self-harm (I think the self-esteem issues along with some other issues going on at the time really prompted that, but different story for a different time/blog). I have tried starving, purging, counting calories, cutting carbs, and a various of other options to lose weight. This constant failure prompted me to get weight loss surgery.

I chose the method called Biliopancreatic Diversion and Duodenal Switch (DS or Switch for short). With the DS procedure a part of the stomach is removed and the surgeon leaves the pylorus intact. The pylorus is the valve that controls food drainage from the stomach. The remaining part of the stomach is connected to the lower portion of the small intestine. Basically that means part of my stomach was cut out (similar to the sleeve) removed and then the part remaining is connected to the lower part of my small intestine. I chose this method because, while risky, it also has the highest success rate.

I had this surgery on December 23rd - the Monday before Christmas. At the point of surgery I weighed 313 lbs (141.98 kg). Today when I weighed I was 285.3 lbs (129.41 kg). While I'm not where I want to be; however, I am on the track to where I want to be. I don't remember the last time I was under 300 lbs, tbh. I think it was after my divorce. So being under 300 lbs has definitely made me happy.

The biggest change for me in the past 3 weeks and 4 days has been not being able to eat bread, drink sweet tea, or pasta. I also have been getting full faster so I'm not eating as big of meals, and that has also been a mind blown moment because I can feel like I can eat horse, but end up eating 3 bites of whatever is on my plate. I also am currently on a plastic fork tender diet, which means things like chicken salad, soup, hamburger, and scrambled eggs. I'm learning in what ways I can get protein my food so I don't have to rely on protein shakes (1 1/2 weeks of those prepaid shakes are disgusting.)

That's the start of my journey. More to come in the coming weeks.