#i think that might be one of the things hindering my writing.

[s-awturn]

Other Plans || F1 Grid

cw: babies being cute, still a little anguish, overcoming, deliverance (hehehehe) and I don't know what else to say. Spanish, French, and some poorly translated Dutch, blame Google.

starring: LH44, CS55, CL16, LN4, OP81, MV1,

a/n: I rarely get requests for part 2, so don't judge me if I'm excited here. I loved writing the first part and I hope to make the second part just as good.

f i r s t p a r t

LEWIS HAMILTON.

You never regretted leaving.

As you might have guessed, Lewis never called or cared and even though you knew he wouldn't call, it didn't hurt any less. You had hopes that he would care, that he would come around, but he never took a step towards you and you wouldn't make the first move. You and the baby — a healthy, restless girl —didn’t need him.

The first few months were not easy, by God, dealing with all the changes of pregnancy, the demands of work, as well as cleaning and organizing your home was the hardest thing in the world.

But it was all worth it when you held your little girl in your arms for the first time. Bree was beautiful and had powerful lungs, because she cried so loudly when you laughed with happiness at having her. Not even the fact that she had the same eyes as Lewis shook his happiness. She was yours, and nothing in the world would change that.

You, your mother and Bree were walking down one of the streets of London looking for Christmas decorations, Bree was on your lap, looking at everything curiously, you hadn't taken her to London yet, both because you wanted her to get used to the climate and the quiet life in Naples and because of fear, you still didn't feel ready to face Lewis, because you knew he was always in England, mainly in the capital.

“Mamma, look!” she pointed to the store across the street, with the Christmas decorations you were looking for. You gave a proud smile and kissed her cheek.

“Good job, little bee, let’s go get our colorful balls from Santa Claus” you crossed the street and due to carelessness, you ended up tripping over someone. “Oops, sorry, I didn’t y-...” you started to say, however your voice trailed off as you recognized fucking Lewis Hamilton.

“Y/N?” His eyes, identical to Bree’s, widened as he recognized you and the baby in your arms. You straightened up, hugging Bree against you.

“Lewis, how are you?” you said cordially, but there was no sympathy in your voice.

“Mhmm, Well, I'm fine... And you?”

“Wonderfully,” you remained impassive. “Well, Merry Christmas, Lewis,” you said, walking past him until your name was called by the pilot.

“I thought you would give me news...” he hesitated for a few seconds “news about her” Lewis’ eyes fell on Bree, who was looking at him with the same curiosity.

“And why should I, Lewis? You said you didn’t want to have a baby, that it would hinder your career.” You hit a nerve with Lewis, because since your departure, he couldn't help but wonder if he had done the right thing. “I had no obligation and have no obligation to give you news about my daughter.”

He came closer and you kept Bree away from him, you accepted and healed from the pain Lewis caused you, but you wouldn't allow him to do the same to your sweet little girl. Bree didn't deserve to be hurt by Lewis's selfishness.

“She’s mine too, Y/N, you can’t stop me from seeing her” he said and you finally lost your patience, so you asked your mother to take Bree to the store, you would meet them in a few minutes.

“Don’t use that horrible argument with me, Lewis Hamilton!” you pointed your finger in his face. “You made it clear that you didn’t want her! You never called to find out about her, not for me or my mother, so don’t come with ‘she’s mine too’ because I won’t fall for that! You didn't even think twice before saying you didn't want her! And now you want to demand your rights? What the fuck rights do you think you have?”

He took a step back, Lewis didn't expect you to have such an intense outburst of anger.

“Y/N, I-I wanted to turn things around, go after you,” he bit his lip, thinking about how to continue, “but I was embarrassed... But now I'm willing-...”

“But I’m not willing, Bree doesn’t need you, I don’t.” you said emphatically “My daughter doesn’t need you, your regret or anything that comes from you!”

He tried to articulate some sentence, but no sound came out of his mouth.

“Oh, that is if you have any shame, of course. But don’t worry, when Bree grows up, I’ll tell her about you and she’ll decide whether she wants you in her life or not.” You assured “Until then, continue being the ghost you have been for these two years”

And without giving him a chance to respond, you follow your mother and Bree into the store, trying to ignore the panic that was ravaging your entire body, you felt like you were about to faint. But hearing Bree's spontaneous, sweet laugh was like feeling a cool breeze on a hot day; you didn't know how, but you were sure that Lewis would stay away.

And you didn't lie, Bree didn't need him, and neither did you. Your job was more than enough to maintain and take care of all of Bree's needs, you didn't lie when you said he wasn't needed, in nothing.

Finally you could sleep peacefully knowing that Lewis was what he wanted to be in your lives, a shadow.

On the sidewalk, Lewis saw you enter the store and through the window, he could see you and Bree together, it was clear how much the little girl was loved and well cared for. Lewis tried to imagine what the two years he had lost of his life, of the life of the daughter whose name he didn't even know, had been like. He thought of all the little moments he had missed.

There were few things Lewis truly regretted in his life, and letting you go and not being able to see Bree grow up was, without a doubt, the biggest regret he carried.

CARLOS SAINZ.

Sometimes you wondered how you had the courage to consider the idea of giving your twins up for adoption. You weren't lying when you said that the twins were the best part of your life. At five years old, the identical twins made your days in the French capital — the city you moved to after breaking up with Carlos — much happier and more joyful.

You didn't even care if the two of them were little carbon copies of the Carlos; Santiago, the older twin, seemed to have inherited much of Carlos' personality, he was a little reserved and even shy and loved board games, preferred books to any electronic game and loved football, while Martín had a lot of you in him, expansive and restless, your youngest son loves logic games like Rubik's cube and puzzles and was completely addicted to any kind of racing.

And they were little fanatical Atlético de Madrid fans, which you found sweet irony.

And it was this love for the Spanish club that convinced you to take them to Spain, so that the two could watch the Madrid Derby at the Cívitas Metropolitano, Atlético's official stadium in the city of Madrid. Thanks to your work as a digital influencer, you could give your twins the experience of watching the game directly from the stadium's box.

“C'est le meilleur cadeau d'anniversaire au monde! Merci maman!” (This is the best birthday present in the world! Thanks mommy!) Martín said, hugging you before running to the fence and seeing the field, where the players were warming up.

“Tu es la meilleure au monde, maman” (You are the best in the world, mommy) Santiago said before joining his brother at the railing. You sat down next to Andie.

“I didn’t think you were serious when you said you were going to bring them to Madrid just to watch the game,” her best friend said, also keeping her eyes on the twins.

“It’s their birthday and I had to come to Madrid anyway for work, so I thought I could combine business with pleasure... And I don’t plan on stopping my boys from having good experiences because of Carlos.”

In five years, you never received a text or call from Carlos to see how the twins were doing, or to see how you were handling things. Since their birth, it had been you, the twins, and Andie —she moved to Paris as well. You weren't lying, the first few months were horrible, you truly believed that you wouldn't be a good mother or be able to take care of two babies at the same time.

But Andie was an angel to you and your boys, helping you through the best and worst times. So much so that before long, Carlos was just an old and unwanted memory in your life.

When the game went into halftime, you and Andie took the boys to the snack bar in the box to get something to eat. You hadn't noticed that you were being watched since you entered the diner, Carlos had seen you, Andie and the boys entering. The pilot didn't expect to find you there, especially with two boys who looked like they were five years old.

Without thinking twice, he approached, keeping his eyes on the boys who wore Atlético shirts and their names on the back.

Santiago and Martín.

“Y/N?” he said fearfully, catching her attention. Carlos saw surprise flash in her eyes, but as quickly as it appeared, it was replaced by icy indifference. "How long"

“That’s right, it’s been a long time.” You placed your hands on the boys’ shoulders, aware that they were both shocked.

“C'est Carlos Sainz” Martín spoke softly to Santiago with wide eyes, not that Carlos was his favorite pilot, but the boy didn't expect you to know the pilot.

“These are Martín and Santiago, my sons.” You said, introducing the boys, watching the astonishment appear on Sainz’s face.

“What’s up guys? Enjoying the game?” he said, after a few seconds of shock. You knew what was going on in his head, Carlos was doing the math.

“We don’t talk to Real Madrid fans,” Santiago said with indifference and pulled Martín away from Carlos. You were so surprised that you laughed out loud, watching Carlos’ discomfort grow even more.

“I’m going after the brats and… And I think you guys need to talk,” Andie said, following the twins back to the to their seats.

You turned completely to Carlos, for a long time you missed him, especially when you wanted him to see the boys' first steps or when they spoke for the first time. You wanted him to see how special and good your children were, but he never cared.

It took a while, but eventually it stopped hurting.

Since then, all you felt was pity, because Martín and Santiago were absurdly adorable, loving and incredible children, anyone who could have them in their lives was lucky as hell.

“I didn't think I would go through with the pregnancy" he said and you sighed.

“And I wasn’t going to, but everything changed when I held them in my arms for the first time... I knew I could never leave them” you said and a smile appeared on your face.

“My parents would love to meet you... I would like to-” He starts to say but you interrupt him, already tired of that conversation.

“You wouldn’t like anything, Carlos, you have nothing to offer my boys but abandonment and cowardice,” you replied harshly.

He swallowed hard, Carlos looked embarrassed and regretful, but you didn't care, just like he didn't care about leaving you alone in that hospital.

“Y/N please understand, I wasn’t ready and-”

“I wasn’t either, Carlos,” you interrupted him, having no patience for his excuses. “I was simply thrown alone, in the middle of the hurricane, so if that’s your excuse, improve it.”

Your gaze towards him was hard, there really was nothing that could justify abandoning him.

“If it weren’t for Andie, I don’t even know where I would be right now! Maybe they’d both be in an orphanage or something, living on the streets.” Your voice was forceful, punishing, and accurate. “I almost, almost acted like a coward with them too, but I remembered that they had already lost their father, they couldn't be without their mother too.”

Carlos hunched over slightly, like you had just hit him in the face and damn, he wished you had.

“I will tell them about you, everything they want to know and if they want to look for you, I will not stop them, but until then, do not think that your presence near them will be welcome”

And you went back to where Andie and the boys were, you were surprised to notice that Martín hadn't taken his eyes off you for a moment. Your protective little boy...

You swallowed a painful sigh and stopped the tears from welling up in your eyes.

“Est-ce qu'il t'a fait du mal, maman?” (Did he hurt you, mommy?) He asked as soon as you sat down, you gave a calm smile and denied.

“It’s okay, honey, don’t worry.” you assured, sliding your fingers through his hair, Martín kept his eyes on you. “Are you enjoying the game?”

“Damn!” he said excitedly and you narrowed your eyes.

“What language is that, young man?” you asked, and he smiled as if he had been caught red-handed.

“It was an accident, mommy... Don't be mad, please,” he asked, making the same lost puppy face that Carlos had. My God, you thought it was impossible for them to look so much alike, but the twins were in fact carbon copies of Carlos.

“Go watch the game, I’m watching you” he nodded and ran to Santiago’s side, you sighed and saw Andie sit next to you. “I thought it would be worse”

“Me too... But you did well, to be honest, I thought you were going to throw the chair at him” Andie confessed and you laughed.

“Almost... I'll tell them the truth when we get back to Paris... And I'll let them decide whether they want to approach him or not.” you said, trying to keep your nervousness from setting in ahead of schedule. You would deal with the consequences when they came, that moment was just about the boys, would not spoil it with anxious thoughts and nervousness.

On the other side of the box, Carlos couldn't pay attention to the game, his mind was divided between the game and you and the twins. Carlos thought about how selfish he had been, he thought about how he would like to go back in time and change everything, to be able to live every little moment with you and the boys.

Carlos would like to be less stupid, but there was no way anymore.

CHARLES LECLERC.

After almost seven years, you were back in France, your parents were asking — or demanding, depending on your point of view — that you and Vivienne spend Mother's Day in the south of France. It was the first time since Vivienne was born that you had returned to Europe and although you loved the feeling of being home again, you couldn't help but be apprehensive, after all you didn't know if you were prepared for the possibility of meeting Charles. But you didn't let those thoughts ruin Vivienne's experience, the girl looked like she was going to explode at any moment with so much happiness.

The two of you took the train from Paris to Bordeaux, and Vivienne couldn't tear herself away from the window, enchanted by the romantic landscape of the French countryside, she commented on every little thing, unable to contain the excitement that made her shine.

“Let’s go to the dining car, amour, You need to eat.” You called her, trying to attract the girl’s attention, who seemed much more interested in the castle that disappeared through the train window.

“Will there be croissants, maman?” Vivienne finally turned away from the window.

“Of course, amour. Let’s go before they eat it all, shall we?” you led her out into the hallway, Vivienne chattered on and on, listing the things she had liked the most so far, that's why she still made a point of greeting the other passengers.

“It’s more beautiful here than Montreal, Mom...”

“Would you like to live here?”

She stopped in the hallway for a few seconds before turning to you, the indecision was clear on her little face “I don’t think so, I would miss home... And my friends, but we can come on vacation?”

“We can come to France whenever possible, amour.” you assured her.

The dining car was half full, but that wasn't what caught his attention, but rather coming across such familiar crystal-clear eyes. You knew the chances of meeting Charles in France were 50-50, but you didn't expect it to happen so quickly; suddenly you remembered why you spent so long away from your homeland. You saw Charles' smile disappear and his gaze fall on the girl in front of him, who, although she didn't look exactly like him, carried many of Leclerc's features in her own features.

“Let's sit at the table by the window, okay maman?” Vivienne asked, skipping over to the empty table, she didn’t even look to the side as she passed Charles.

"Of course, papillon, (butterfly) we can sit wherever you want.” You said, thankful that your voice came out steady, without showing the mess that was inside you.

You made Vivienne sit with her back to Charles, listening to the girl talk excitedly about the fields full of vineyards and the lavender plantations. Vivienne knew from the age of five because it was just you and her, you didn't want to wait too long to tell her the truth behind why just you were the one who went to the Father's Day presentations at her school. You remembered the pain tearing through your chest as you comforted your little girl who went to sleep crying for weeks on end, or all the times she asked why her father didn't like her. You wouldn't let anything bring that pain to Vivienne again, even if you had to throw Charles Leclerc out the train window.

“You’re not the waiter.” Vivienne’s inquisitive voice snapped you out of your reverie and you looked up to find Charles standing next to your table. Panic spread through you like wildfire. Vivienne knew that the man standing next to the table was her father, you didn't do much to hide it. “If you’re not the waiter, why did you come?”

“You have your mother’s sharp tongue,” he said, and you noticed the shadow of a smile on his face. “I’m Charles—”

“Leclerc, I know, I watch TV” she said, crossing her fingers on the table, you blinked a little dazed and took control of the situation, Vivienne didn't need to face a situation like that, not with you around to protect her, as you had been doing since her birth.

“What do you want, Charles?” you questioned seriously, the seven years away from him made you create a strong shield against the pilot's charm. He swallowed the lump in his throat and looked at you, there was no anger or contempt in his gaze, it had taken you the same seven years to understand that it had all been a huge failure in communication, however, that did not allow this to cause any more harm to Vivienne.

“I...” he stuttered, his gaze going from you to Vivienne without stopping “I came to greet you and...” he left the sentence hanging in the air, waiting for you or your daughter to reveal her name.

“You don’t need to know my name,” Vivienne said and your eyes widened.

You saw Charles' mouth open in pure astonishment, if you weren't expecting an answer like that, imagine him.

“What do you want, Charles? I don’t remember inviting you to join us,” you teased, enjoying his discomfort. You could forgive what had happened years ago, after all it wasn't anyone's fault he didn't want kids, but you fucking couldn't forget how it destroyed Vivienne for weeks. “Your girlfriend is waiting for you, and you are disturbing us.”

“Y/N I wanted to say that I'm sorry that all of this happened and...” his voice becomes a weak and distant thread, you just shake your head and raise your hand.

“There is nothing to be forgiven, Charles. That's in the past, there's no reason to bring it up again," you said sincerely, letting out a tired sigh. You wanted it to end soon, you wanted to get to Bordeaux soon. “Forget about it, leave everything in the past and go back to your girlfriend, we've been fine the last seven years without you, the next seven will be even easier, don't waste time worrying about us, we don't need you.”

He hadn't meant to be cruel or rude, but he wouldn't allow a sliver of it to reach Vivienne. Charles just nodded and walked away, you looked at Vivienne, who had tears in her eyes.

“Ma princesse,” you grabbed her hand, watching the little girl swallow her tears and give a weak smile.

“It’s okay, mom, I have you, it’s okay,” she said and went back to looking at the landscape through the window. You noticed that Charles had left. “I don’t need a father who didn’t want me”

You left the chair you were in and went to hug Vivienne, letting the girl feel how much she was loved, how much she didn't need Charles ���I'm so proud of you, darling, so proud”

Outside, Charles was hyperventilating, he hadn't expected it to end like this, nor had he expected it to feel like a punch to his stomach. Suddenly, he questioned whether the choices he had made over the past seven years were good. But it didn't matter anymore, he had lost you and any chance of having... Having a family he never wanted.

It was already too late.

LANDO NORRIS.

Jordan looked at the cupcake with bright eyes, you wanted to cry when you saw the smile on your little boy's face. It was late afternoon and you wanted Jordan to be able to celebrate his first birthday on the beach, creating sand castles and playing with water.

“Happy birthday, my baby, I wish you to be blessed with happiness and love throughout your life.” you whispered, helping him blow out the candle. Jordan chuckled, grabbing the icing, smearing the blue sweetness all over his face. You let Jordan play in the sand and thought about everything that led them to that little beach in Spain.

After breaking up with Lando and receiving a court order that he didn't want to be related to you or the baby, you didn't know what to do with your life, I had a college degree, good internship experiences, but no one would hire a pregnant woman. With limited options and no support network, you've relied on the most unstable form of work: the internet. Your life wasn't the most glamorous or adventurous in the world, but people enjoyed watching you. You didn't care about fame or being known in places, you just wanted to make sure you could take care of the baby, make sure he always had a roof over his head and food on the table. No matter what shit you would do to make sure Jordan lacked for nothing.

Anything but crawling after Lando, begging for help or whatever the hell he could give.

You let Jordan play until he got tired, and only when the boy was almost asleep in the sand, you picked him up and decided to go back to the hotel. You balanced Jordan on your lap as you searched for your room key when you heard your name being called. You didn't expect to find Lando Norris in the lobby of the hotel you were staying at.

Not even by a miracle.

“What do you want here, Norris?” you asked, but you didn’t give him time to answer, you just continued on your way to the elevator. You heard him follow you and kept Jordan out of his sight.

“I want to talk to you,” he said tentatively. You stood in the opposite corner of the elevator, as far away from Lando as possible. “Is it his birthday?”

“And why does that matter to you, Norris? You’re nothing to him,” you said dryly, giving him a hard look.

He didn't even know what to answer, you couldn't understand what he was doing there, not after a year and seven months, not after that damn letter. What did he want there? Guarantee you wouldn't ask him for money? Ridiculous.

“If you want to know if I need your money, don’t worry, we don’t need anything from you”

Lando exhaled, you wouldn't give him a step, leaving him frustrated.

“I didn’t come for this... I know you’re... You’re dealing with everything well, I wanted...”

“What do you want, Norris? To see if I'm trying to scam someone to support my son? Being a gold digger?”

“Y/N I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, been...”

“What do you regret? Saying that I got pregnant so you could support me? That I wanted to pull the pregnancy scam on you? Or have you come to give me another court notice to deny your parentage with Jordan? If that's the case, don't worry, if it's up to me, your name will never be on Jordan's birth certificate.”

If shame had a portrait, it would be Lando's face.

“Please understand my side...”

“Your side, Norris? I was pregnant and you sent me away!!” you growled, trying not to wake Jordan in your arms. “I didn’t want money, I wanted support! I wanted you!”

You scoffed at the tears in his eyes, none of them made up for the times you cried alone, scared of the uncertain future you could have. If he thought you would be moved by his crying, he couldn't be more wrong. The elevator doors opened and you walked out, not caring about him following you.

“I’m sorry, I was scared!”

“I was too!” you lost your patience and heard Jordan’s whimpers. “Were you scared? Don’t be a hypocrite, Lando.”

“Let me... Let me apologize, let me take care of you two.”

“You can swallow your apologies, they’re worth nothing to me or Jordan, and as for your care…” you laughed “I won’t tell you what to do with it out of respect for my son.”

And with that, you slammed the door in his face. Hoping that Lando would go back to the same place he had come from.

MAX VERSTAPPEN.

Just as nothing hurt you more than Max's distrust, Annelise's birth healed you in immeasurable ways. The little girl became the little Sun in your world, illuminating corners you thought you would no longer visit after the breakup with Max.

When you left his house in Monaco, you spent a few days on standby, thinking about what to do, you had no one else to support you. You didn't know how, but before you knew it, you were standing on Sophie's doorstep in Belgium, you didn't expect to have the support of your ex-mother-in-law, but Sophie welcomed you with open arms, outraged by Max's attitude.

Sophie welcomed you as if you were her own daughter, helped you choose an apartment in Brussels — even though she wanted you to stay with her for as long as it took, she helped you in the first few months after Annelise was born.

Now, two years later, Annelise was spending so much time at her grandmother's house that Sophie had set up a room for her.

“Sophie, for God’s sake, don’t spoil Anne like that,” you scolded her, seeing the woman click her tongue and shrug, you knew your sermons would do no good, Sophie would continue buying gifts for Annelise.

“Nah, it’s nothing big and you know I’m not stopping any time soon,” she admitted, bouncing the little girl on her lap, Annelise was very entertained by the new teddy bear Sophie had brought. “How was the job interview? Did you get the job?”

You had applied for a job at the health center near your home, the hours were great, the pay was worth it, you just needed to find someone to look after Sophie.

“I was selected, but I need to find a good nanny to take care of Anne...”

“Y/N don’t be silly, you know I will take care of Anne with the greatest pleasure, I love taking care of her.”

“Sophie, I don’t want to give you any trouble...” you started to try to argue.

“Mom! I’m home... Y/N?” you saw Max standing in the middle of the room, staring at you in surprise, then looking at Annelise on Sophie’s lap.

“Max, you didn’t tell me you were coming, come in, I made your favorite cake, go get it from the kitchen, dear” Sophie said, she knew you weren’t ready to talk to Max yet, but the Dutchman had different plans.

You held your arms out to Annelise, who didn't think twice before jumping into your lap, you did your best to avoid Max's gaze.

“We’re going, Sophie... I’ll let you know when we get home,” you said in a whisper and crossed the room towards the exit, but Max grabbed your bicep, stopping you from leaving.

“We need to talk, Y/N... Just five minutes, please,” he said quietly, as soothingly as he could.

“We have nothing to talk about, Max.”

“Please, just five minutes,” he begged, giving Annelise a quick glance in his lap.

“Five minutes, no more.” You said, releasing your arm from his grip. “Sophie, can you take Anne please?”

“Of course, it’s no sacrifice for me, is it, mon bebé?”

Finally you and Max were alone, you were uncomfortable to the point that your skin felt itchy.

“I didn’t expect to see you here… I thought you would stay in Monaco”

“I had nothing to keep me in Monaco, I saw no reason to stay there, and Sophie welcomed me as if I were her daughter,” you said, putting your hands in your coat pockets. “Get to the point, Max, I have to go...”

He licked his lips nervously. “I wanted to talk about our daughter.”

“No, no, calm down, you don’t have a daughter, at least not with me, Annelise is my daughter and mine alone, your participation in her conception was purely accidental.” You said it without any emotion.

“I know I said stupid things that night, Y/N, but I want to make up for every single one of them, with you and with the girl” he said and you scoffed.

“Oh really? And what makes you think you have any right to her?”

“Y/N I’m her father” he said patiently, as he always was with you, until that night at least.

“Unless you request a DNA test, there is nothing to prove your paternity over Annelise,” you determined, taking a step towards him, “and don’t think I’m an idiot, Max, you always knew I was in Brussels with your mother, Sophie told you that the same day I arrived, because I highly doubt she didn't give you the biggest lecture of your life that night.”

He looked away, proving his point “and yet you never cared, you didn’t come to her birthday, or call when she had pneumonia, you didn’t even know her name until today, So please don't lie to me saying that you regret it or that you want to be a part of her life.”

You pressed your fingers to your temples, already feeling the pains of the inevitable migraine.

“Annelise will eventually find out about you, but until then, don't go near her, I won't allow you to be cruel to my daughter the way you were to me.” That was your final sentence before you went to get Annelise with Sophie. You didn't want to have to share oxygen with him any more than necessary. Max belonged to a past you didn't want to revisit.

He stood still in place, watching you leave with the girl, without giving you another look.

“There are stupid people, and then there’s you, Max,” Sophie said, approaching her son. “I find it absurd how you inherited Jos’s worst traits...”

He couldn't help but agree, Max was fucking dumb.

taglist: @spngi, @monacosprince, @camelliaflow3r, @simbaaas-stuff, @bsammy, @sabrinaselina55, @irenkaproszepana , @avni-sarai, @itsapurrfectstorm, @janeh22, @taliya8346282844eliviahdgdajs, @llvstrous099, @gotthemilk-69, @ladscarlett, @daemyratwst, @anewpersonthatexists, @loohs-world, @sarcastic-nerd

Some who requested to be tagged on the taglist unfortunately could not be located, if I forgot someone, please complain on ask, thank you, management.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED TO S-AWTURN™ 🪐. I do not allow copying or republication. Any unauthorized publication will be reported.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

[lale-txt]

✱ confessing to you w/ Gojo, Nanami, Higuruma & gn!reader

@snailor-bee asked: LALEEEEE!!! (o゜▽゜)o♥ WHAT'S THIS I HEAR?? REQUESTS ARE OPEN?? FOR MORE FANDOMS?? You just know I just gotta... May I please request Gojo, Higuruma, and Nanami trying to confess to reader? (*/ω＼*) Like headcanons/drabbles whichever. I just think it's real cute. And you're real cute. It just works out perfectly, hehe. Hoping you're doing well!! ;3; Sending you hugs and kisses!!

a/n: BEE my sweet (´⌣`ʃƪ) it feels like forever since i for around writing something for you, so i was super excited when you sent something in for me! i had a lot of fun writing these small drabbles, i hope they're to your liking! ps: i think YOU are super cute love you ok bye

➸ 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝟐: Geto, Toji & Shiu

❦ 𝐆𝐎𝐉𝐎

Gojo is used to being fawned on. He has the good looks and he knows. Keeps running his mouth without any consequences because there simply are none when you’re Gojo Satoru. The strongest. The balance of the world depends on him. He’s untouchable.

And then there’s you, who is tearing his whole act down with such ease, it makes his heart stop.

You don’t fuss over him and you don’t bow before him. His name doesn’t fall out of your mouth as if he was a deity, someone holy; and still it’s the sweetest sound he has ever heard. When you call out for him, Gojo wants to be there in an instant. There’s this unknown calmth whenever he’s with you, his heart feeling lightweight somehow. He’s drawn to you like the tide to the moon.

For someone as grand as Gojo, he loves so quietly. 

He can’t bring himself to say those words out loud, as if they carried a weight that threatened what you two have. Still, he doesn’t know what to do with all this love; he never learned where to put it down. You can handle it, can you? The burden and the curse of being loved? You wouldn’t be scared to love him back, right?

So Gojo makes sure to show you his love in the most mundane things, so there’s no room for doubt just how tight he holds you in his heart. Midnight strolls to the candy aisle at the supermarket. I love you. A hand on the small of your back when you’re moving through a large crowd. I love you. Your fingertips brushing over his long white lashes while he rests his weary head in your lap under the cherry blossoms. I love you. 

It’s only when you kiss him one night, in the middle of the parking lot, that those big words get caught in his throat. Six eyes aren’t enough to comprehend the feeling in his chest when his big hands cup your face, as if he wants to hinder you from ever pulling away from him. It would be so easy to mumble his confession against your lips, but you already know. So instead he simply kisses you back, sweeping you off your feet when you lose your balance from being on your tiptoes. 

He smiles when you shush him with another kiss. He doesn’t need to say it out loud; you know, you’ve always known.

❦ 𝐍𝐀𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐈

Nanami’s confession is apologetic.

The words have been weighing on his heart until one night, they just fall out of his mouth. Maybe he had one drink too many, not enough to be drunk, but enough to loosen his tongue. His thumb rubbing over the rim of his glass, his shirt slightly unbuttoned, his tie not so accurate anymore. He isn’t looking at you; it’s easier if his gaze doesn’t catch yours, if his eyes can’t wander to your lips. Your hands are next to each other on the bar counter, almost touching. He could close the distance so easily, but he’s aware that he wouldn’t be able to let go of your hand anymore.

“I’m in love with you.”

His voice is low, whisky-raspy. The silence that follows isn’t uncomfortable; it’s a warmth that’s surrounding you like a veil. At this moment, it’s just you and him. In another life, this could have been so easy, couldn’t it? In a life where he doesn't have to worry about fighting curses, and the horrors humans are capable of, and about the day he might not come back home to you from work. He wouldn’t have to break your heart like that.

“So deeply, utterly in love with you.”

In another life, you could have had it all. The shared books on the nightstand, the matching rings on your fingers, the messy blankets in the morning. Maybe he was being greedy, yearning for this. He couldn’t help himself when you tugged on his heartstrings like that. He tried to fight it, this attraction to you; but the more he tried to keep his distance, the more he yearned for a glimpse of your attention. Your bright smile from the other side of the room–it should have been enough. And still…

“I hope you can forgive me.”

Was it really greed that made him cradle your face in his palms, gazing into your eyes before leaning in for a kiss? No… no. But he knows he can never let go of you now, not when he tasted the sweetness of your lips. Not when you kiss him back with such hunger, years of yearning unraveling in this very moment. Not when forgiveness lies on the tip of your tongue, asking to be devoured. All he can do is hope that when his time comes, you’ll let him pick up the pieces of your broken heart and that the light of your love will guide him somewhere south; back to the warmth the two of you feel in this very moment with his lips on yours. 

❦ 𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐔𝐑𝐔𝐌𝐀

Higuruma has no doubt in his heart regarding his feelings for you. They’re clear as day to him. His heart leaps in his chest when you enter a room and your laughter washes away all of his exhaustion for a bit. 

He studied you from afar for a long time; he can read all of your small gestures and expressions like a language only you and him know. The way your tongue pokes out between your lips when you’re in deep focus, reading over a file from a case you’re working on with him. Your fingertips picking up a tiny piece of lint from his suit before you enter the courtroom together and the small smile playing on your lips when he looks over his shoulder to catch what you’re doing. That one strand of hair that seems to be loose no matter how often you try to tuck it away, much to your annoyance and his adoration. 

“I’d like to ask you out.”

His words are as clear as his intentions. Higuruma is a straightforward man, not brash but gentle in his own way. With him, you don’t have to wonder what's between you two, he’ll tell you what’s on his mind and he’ll expect the same from you. Never pushy, but longing for connection, for mutual understanding. He sees no point in hiding his feelings and he knows you’re clever, you’ve probably had them figured out anyway. 

Higuruma and you have to face them daily, the abysses of the human mind. It’s easy to let your heart go cold over them, to lose a bit of your own humanity. And yet, when your eyes meet, it’s all forgotten. It’s like he can see the essence of your soul and you can see his and it’s all golden; so golden.

You don’t pull away when his fingers weave between yours one night when you leave the office together. He feels a sense of relief wash over him in this moment, not because he was afraid that you wouldn’t reciprocate his feelings, but because his world got a bit brighter in this moment, a bit warmer. He missed this for much longer than he’d admit.

To Higuruma, loving you comes easy. It feels as natural as breathing. It calms him, as if you’re the eye of a storm. And so he doesn’t even hesitate to say those words out loud, almost stating them like a matter of fact, and sealing them with a kiss. Guilty of loving you.

[mikajunie]

rediscovering shame and giving yourself compassion (how to deal with shame as someone with ADHD)

this is directed towards my fellow ADHDers who have trouble with reoccuring shame while leads to hindered productivity.

signs that your productivity is hindered by shame (compiled by my own experiences):

you feel negative physical symptoms when you think about your responsibilities

you find ways to avoid the responsibilities

every time you make progress, you feel like you don't ever wanna touch it again

when you present your progress, you feel ashamed of yourself because it's not finished (on time & according to ur standards).

you feel like you are a constant failure. you never win, despite achieving good things here and there.

you are a walking ball of anxiety

you have a fear of being perceived

there's probably more, but eh those are just from my own experiences

below i will write down what y'all should remember, what you can do to help yourself, etc. this is compiled from dr k, my own journaling time, and my firsthand experience from having shame 24/7

some things u gotta remember

shame is what exists in the gap between your ideal self and where you are currently.

your ideal self doesn't have to be unrealistic, it can be yourself when you were at your peak or someone who is very similar to you.

shame brings negative thoughts, because it makes you see progress as a negative thing.

instead of being happy that u made progress, u grumble to urself and ask "why didnt i just do it sooner? im so stupid". it's a reminder of your failures, so u avoid progress altogether.

shame can become a part of you, to the point where you feel uneasy or vulnerable if you dont feel ashamed at yourself

shame doesn't do anything to ADHDers in the long run except self-loathing and hindered productivity.

what should u do?

basically self-therapy, but instead of stopping at why, i try to solve my shame one-by-one.

examine past moments where you felt a LOT of shame. this can go back to elementary. the stronger the emotions, the better. now, write them down. you're probably cringing, but that is good. feel all the cringiness running through ur veins.

why did you feel shame? why did it happen? what did you feel?

reframe your thoughts. instead of immediately running away from it, accept it and justify it. give it compassion. give it a hug. was it your 7 year old self? hug yourself. it's okay to fuck up and do silly things sometimes, and it's okay to have ADHD. it's not our fault.

remember that ADHD is a lifelong nerudivergency, you can't just push it away. coping mechanisms and tools help, but give yourself some grace when you screw up. it's our first time living anyway.

calm your body down. make sure your physical body is doing okay.

now... think of one thing you want to do but can't because of shame and do these steps carefully. think of the reasons why you might be ashamed, and reframe your thoughts.

WARNING!! TAKE IT ONE PRESENT ACTION AT A TIME. don't do this for every action you want to take, let your body slowly learn that it's okay to make progress despite the shame you feel, and you are allowed to feel compassion for yourself.

train your body to accept compassion slowly. life is tough with ADHD but it's even tougher knowing that shame will get in your way. give yourself a break, it's fine to fuck up, we all go through different things anyway. even if it's not fine, you will learn and make those mistakes a lil bit lesser in the future.

ok hope this helps.

[frogchiro]

Been thinking about Chris in the college AU…

I think he’s a fuckboy, but at his core he has trad sensibilities (because he’s an asshole). So he fucks around with girls at college, but his ultimate goal is to find a nice girl to marry who can stay in his house and raise his kids so she never has to use that pretty little college degree.

Maybe he’s a sophomore now, so he’s still looking to chase tail, not quite ready to find his wife, so he’s not looking very hard.

But then Leon keeps talking about you. And poor Leon… he has no idea that him talking about his crush on you and all of the things he likes about you is like dropping bleeding prey in a shark tank. If Leon had kept his crush a secret, you might never have been noticed by any of them! But now it seems like every guy in his frat wants a piece of you!

And Chris sees you occasionally around campus, in class, almost never at any parties. You’re a good student, well dressed (mostly modest!), with great hips and a great rack (childbearing!!). And one day he sees you sitting with Ashley for coffee, and you take a napkin to wipe some whipped cream from her mouth for her, and Chris has to run back to the house to take a cold shower because he can so easily imagine you doing the same thing to his babies when you have them. What?

You’re almost never at the frat parties, cause you’re a good girl. And when you are, he never sees you go off with any guys, never lets them feel you up, you never get sloppy and drunk like that other sluts that come to these things. You just delicately sip from your cup, smiling and laughing with your little group of friends. You wear such nice jewelry— his ring on your finger would fit so perfectly with your look. What?

And the way you brush off Krauser and Leon when they’re being sleazy and quite frankly, desperate. He might’ve fallen for you at the exact same moment as Krauser. And Chris has such a superiority complex about his attraction to you. Leon just has a stupid little boy crush, Krauser wants to dick you down stupid, and to be honest… he’s not entirely certain what Luis is angling for, but he knows it’s probably not anything virtuous. But Chris wants to make an honest woman outta you 💖 so in his mind, he’s the only one pursuing you for the “right” reasons.

And if you’re friends with Clair, he’s totally taking advantage of that. Fishing for information about you, asking if you maybe have somewhere to go during holiday break…

-🐱

Yeah tbh that sums Chris really well up ;; Also I apologize for not answering sooner I just had a lot going on with uni work and it really hindered my writing attempts </3

And yes, Chris is definitely that type of guy that will fuck any girl that is willing but they are the sluts!! They are the hoes who don't respect themselves and are only after the dick!!1 And he is the nice guy who will fuck them and throw them out afterwards bc he 'doesn't do feelings' or shit like that.

Chris is here only for a good time and ofc experience! Like you said, despite being an asshole and a obnoxious party and fuckboy, he has weirdly traditional values at heart; white picked fence, a sweet stay at home wife with a baby on her hip for who he will gladly provide for as the loving and caring husband and will need all the sexual experience to make his wifey feel good...But he still has time! He is in college for 'all the experiences' more than the education itself and he's not the sharpest tool in the shed with how reckless he is but that's fine!

...Until it isn't

It was all fine and dandy until Leon started to bring you up, some girl he met in class and was gushing over you. Okay, weird enough since Leon wasn't really the gushing type but fair enough, nothing to worry over. But then it started to escalate and Chris started to wonder what is going on with his friend. Leon stopped going on those casual dates, stopped hooking up, never even glanced at another girl and his whining about you got even worse.

The final straw for Chris was when he caught Leon jacking off and filming himself while whining something about 'please respond I send you a cumshot video, now you have to send me a pussy pic, please even a tit pic please-' and Chris knew he had to get to know this girl that made Leon so pussy whipped without even seeing it as far as he knows!

And yeah Chris probably saw you for the first time during that one party where you and your little friend rejected Krauser's advances and Chris almost snorted his drink out and spat on the girl he was flirting with; suits that blonde asshole right, and you're...You're honestly incredible in Chris's eyes. So assertive and composed...Your clothes on the more revealing side, your tits almost spilling out of that dress, fuck...But still nowhere slutty like other girls!

Chris definitely has a weird superiority complex; despite the fact that he's arguably the worst hypocrite out of the group he still believes that his love for you is the only 'real' one; Leon is a dumb horny rich boy with a middle school crush, Krauser will sleaze over pretty girls all the time and Luis is a certified ladies man, he refers to himself in that way for fucks sake! And then there is Chris who wants to wife you up! Isn't he charming?? Just please ignore those girls who complain about the hookups he had with them, they are probably just bitter that he threw them out <3

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

This thoughts still cooking, so it might not make sense, but I think Thomas (Tomas?) Astruc is a very good case study on how being too attached to your own ideas can hinder your story telling.

I don't mean this in a "Thomas's original idea for the series was bad", but rather that he seems so attached to this concept that he can't stand other people having a differing view from him.

Chloe's the titular example here. Some people thought she deserved a redemption arc, and instead of just saying "nah, I don't think so" and continuing to write her the same way he had been, he had to prove them wrong, prove that his idea was the only correct one, and so turned her into the spawn of Satan and let her rule over Paris for some reason.

Instead of making Marinette less stalker-y, he wrote an entire episode poorly justifying it. And, imao, somewhat diminishing what PTSD actually is and does to people.

I'm not saying he has to make any change (though I think making Marinette less stalker-y would be a good change), but instead of 1.) sticking to his resolve or 2.) taking the criticism, he clung dearly onto this perception of his characters and his writing suffered because of how much he had to twist things to "prove" that his original assertions were right. And also that everyone who disagreed with him was wrong and didn't understand

idk if that makes sense, but the concepts been lingering in my head recently

It makes perfect sense! I've had similar thoughts. It's hard to say for sure, but Miraculous may be a case study in "kill your darlings". I'm not deep into the behind-the-scenes lore and I was not here in the early fandom, but I do know that, at some point, a much darker version of the show was pitched. That's why these exist (image source):

[Image description: two sketches styled like comic book covers. Both have the title "The Mini Menace Ladybug". The left cover shows Marinette's silhouette in a doorway. The door's glass and the glass of a nearby window are broken. In the foreground lies a hand holding a ladybug charm. The hand is limp and surrounded by blood, implying that someone is injured or dead. The right cover is Ladybug doing a spinning kick while looking angry.]

We also have this evidence of the darker original concept:

Jeremy Zag then proposed another project... which he was unable to sell to broadcasters... the project was called "Ladybug". No one was interested, as the project was aimed more at an adult audience... Sébastien had to make sure that the project could be broadcast on Disney and TF1.... Thomas wanted to make a series for adults, but at the time, it was very complicated to make a cartoon for adults. What's more, they didn't have enough money to take on such a project. Sébastien finally agreed, but there were some changes to be made, which Thomas accepted... In the end, Thomas Astruc's entire project was discarded, leaving only the love story between the two heroes and the city of Paris, where the story was to take place.

I've been aware of this darker origin story for a while due to Tumblr and, because of this knowledge, I have often had the thought, "are the writers trying to sneak elements from this darker version into canon?" Because that's the most likely explanation for what's going on here.

If I'm right, then I think that was a terrible move on their parts. They needed to let go of the story that they couldn't sell and embrace the story that they're being allowed to tell. It's why "kill you darlings" is such good advice. Many good stories have been ruined by writers clinging to an idea that ultimately doesn't work for some reason.

It's why the sitcom How I Met Your Mother has such a universally hated ending. The show was originally supposed to go for two seasons and so they wrote an ending that would fit the second season. The show ended up running for nine seasons and, by then, the ending didn't fit, but the writers kept it and left everyone with a bad taste in their mouths, which is not what any writer wants. That's why you have to do what's best for the story even if it means abandoning something that you really love.

This early version of canon may also be why the writers are so obsessed with Marinette. My understanding is that this concept had her mainly acting as a solo hero and, oh look! What is one of canon's biggest problems? Marinette being treated like a solo hero even though she has a partner and, later on, a team!

Not saying that this theory has to be true, just saying that it would explain some things. And if they're poisoning canon by trying to include elements from their darker original? Then it makes sense to assume that they're also doing it for smaller stuff. Like I'm pretty sure I've read that the head writer wanted Chat Blanc to be a lot darker originally, but no one would green light it, so we got an incredibly lackluster episode that spat in the face of the genres Miraculous' is trying to be part of while also falling to have the sort of impact we'd expect from an episode like that. It's a good example of a darling that really should have been killed. It just doesn't fit.

(Totally unrelated sidenote, but is your blog name from Tangled? Because that's what I immediately thought of and it made me smile!)

[sunkissedchldrecon]

𝐏𝐈𝐂𝐊 𝐀 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃

𝒎𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒂𝒈𝒆𝒔 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒊𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒓 𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒍𝒅

the piles go from left to right. therefore, pile one is the nintendo ds, pile two is the panasonic, and so on and so forth.

take your time to use your intuition to choose the pile that will best resonate with you. lastly, please don’t be afraid to say if the message resonated or not. it helps me in determining if my interpretations are correct or not, and i appreciate any sort of feedback - even if it’s “bad”.

good luck to you, reader 🌐

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈

Shufflemancy:

"The Gospel Truth I / Main Titles" from Hercules

"I Want It All" from High School Musical 3

"Lip Gloss" by Lil Mama

"Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani

"Breakthrough" from Lemonade Mouth

Cards: 

Three of Wands, Six of Cups, The Hermit (Rx), The Empress, The Magician, Knight of Coins, Ten of Swords, The Chariot, Eight of Wands

Reading:

Those who chose this pile might've really liked the movie "Hercules" as a kid; I told your inner child I'd never seen the movie, and they were offended 😭. Little you might've had really big ambitions and dreams but maybe felt like things and/or people held them back. My internet randomly went out when writing, so I feel like that was a sign of how your inner child felt or could even feel at this time. 

You could be someone who has to rely a ton on self-motivation rather than being able to depend on others; you may feel like you always had to take "the long way around" in order to accomplish things you really wanted to do. Your inner child can tell you still have to do that and actually admires that you're willing and able to rely on yourself rather than others; it's like they see it as a thread connecting you to them - like you never left each other or changed all that much. As much as they admire this connection, they also can tell you're still lonely and feel rejected by society; they might even feel this way themselves. 

Your inner child wants you to connect more to the energy of The Empress. For some of you, they want you to literally comfort them and listen to them like a mother would. They want you to tap into your emotions and recognize what all you feel, consciously and subconsciously. More than anything, they want you to stand up for yourself and ask for what it is you need. If you need someone other than yourself to rely on, they want you to turn to people in your life and ask them to help you or share with them things you've been hiding out of fear. If you need obstacles to be removed more easily, they want you to ask your guides and the universe to help remove them; they might even want you to confront the people or objects hindering you personally. If you need a figurative breakthrough, they want you to ask for it. 

With The Magician, your inner child recognizes you have the potential to accomplish whatever it is you want to, and that ambition and hard work you've always relied on gets you through a ton, but things could potentially be a lot easier if you ask for the help you're wanting. Some of you may be feeling very bitter about having to do things all on your own; some of you may even be averse to asking others for help, but your inner child is asking that you try anyway. They want you to embark on this journey with them even if you think nothing will come of it. With Eight of Wands at the bottom of the deck, things may actually work out better than you think. 

Overall, your inner child wants you to ask for the help you need. If you never ask for help directly, then you'll never receive it. Of course, some people will be stubborn and not help, but there is also likely a group of people who are willing to do so but never knew you were struggling in the first place. With the cards in this pile, you do have control over your situation pile one; it may not feel that way, but you can achieve more than you think - even if it takes forever and a day to do so.

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐈

Shufflemancy:

"Year 3000" by the Jonas Brothers

"Fruit Salad" by The Wiggles

"The Naked Mole Rat" from Kim Possible

"Brand New Day" from Camp Rock 2

"Naturally" by Selena Gomez

Cards: 

Six of Cups, Page of Cups, The Magician, Five of Swords, Four of Coins, Four of Cups, Three of Swords, Five of Cups, Two of Wands, Queen of Swords, Five of Coins, Six of Coins

Reading:

With the "Year 3000" coming out first, I feel like this pile might have people who were super into science-fiction as kids! You could've loved movies like Meet the Robinsons and Minutemen. You might've been a quiet kid who, when they were finally comfortable with someone, ended up talking a ton; I found this really endearing, so if you still do that or feel an urge to - don't shy away from that!

Your inner child is another one that's open to the idea of nostalgia and may feel like there's a clear connection to the current you and them. You could have youthful features or a youthful way of thinking; maybe you're very optimistic and sensitive, and you might even be very intuitive. You could be highly perceptive to things relating to the spiritual realm; with that, you may find that things like magic, manifestation, etc. come easy for you. Despite this, you may not share those gifts, or you may feel ashamed of these traits connected to you. 

You could've been bullied as a child or always felt as if you had to submit to other people rather than being who you truly are. Maybe you were shamed for being too sensitive; people might've said you were too optimistic or in your head and not being realistic. Because of this, you might've decided to close yourself off from others - emotionally and in other ways. You may have evaluated what people said about you and took it to heart, deciding to become who they wanted you to be versus existing as you were/are. You might've felt like you were in a situation where you act how people want you to, or you don't survive - even if it hurt you a ton. 

It seems like your inner child is heartbroken by your choice to close yourself off - when you decided to do it and also now as you continue to engage in that behavior. I also accidentally wrote your future child, so there could be a worry that you take the advice you were given as a kid and impose it on your future child which would only make the pain generational. To an extent, they feel as if you're harming yourself and staying stuck in the same place you were a kid when you decide to close yourself off to others. Some of you may be in the same hometown or around the same people that caused you to become this warped, unrealistic version of yourself. I heard, "I just want you back". 

Your inner child wants you to leave the area you're in completely - this could be the physical space your in and/or the mental space you're in where you've cut yourself off from being your true self. Your inner child wants you to use the knowledge and experience you've gained along with the optimism and sensitivity you had as a child. That power I was talking of earlier in terms of connection to spirituality and intuition still exists; the "unrealistic" things you want are still possible. It's okay to daydream a little while also including some realism; you don't have to be "the stuffy adult they told you that you have to be". 

For this pile, this acceptance of all the things about yourself that you were told to shun would do you good. Your inner child would be happier, but it could also lighten a load on your current self. Instead of feeling isolated and not like yourself, you could be your authentic self and find that people are now more accepting and similar to you than they once were. It's also important to note that often you as an individual are not the issue, but the environment you're placed in can be. Don't be afraid to express the parts of yourself you hid for so long; it's important to be true to yourself over anyone else. 

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐈𝐈

Shufflemancy:

"Lovebug" by the Jonas Brothers

"Be Prepared" from the Lion King

"Un Poco Loco" from Coco

"Don't Run Away" from Let It Shine

"Suite Life of Zack & Cody Theme" from the Suite Life of Zack and Cody

Cards: 

The Sun, Nine of Wands, King of Swords, Justice, Ten of Wands, Ace of Coins, The Tower, The Devil (Rx), The World, Six of Coins, Six of Wands

Reading:

For those who chose this pile, you might've been chronically sad as a child. You could've started out with a sunny, positive disposition, but it seems that happiness might've been destroyed early on in your life. Some of you might have been the type of kid that sympathized with the villains because you understood why they did what they did. Others of you might have loved love as a child, but the idea of love you had became warped - maybe because your parents mirrored bad love habits or you were left heartbroken early in your life; I get the feeling you and your inner child still love love though!

You might've understood the rough or undesirable circumstances you grew up in very early and learned how to persevere through them. You're the type of person that understands how to keep going when it seems like everything and everyone is wanting you to give up or wither down. Your experiences with a lack of happiness may lead you to take on a leadership type of role in your current position. You could be the type of person to build up relationships slowly, you could have a strong sense of what justice is and what's "good" and "wrong". 

Your inner child feels as if you always had to be more adult than they wanted to be. This could've doubled as a blessing and a curse because taking control and being more mature led you to more security and knowledge, but it also meant you never truly experienced a childhood in a sense. It seems like this upsets your inner child a lot; it gives them a lot of anxiety because it's like they were a child for a short period of time, and then all of sudden they were left behind, and you just magically became an adult. 

This pile's inner child wants you to go back and look at your foundations - to re-evaluate why you had to become an adult so fast. They want to be able to release all the anger they have towards the fact they couldn't be the kid they were. Overall, your inner child wants to be happy again - like they were when they could still be the young child they were. Your inner child wants to talk; for some of you, they want counseling and/or therapy. For some of you, they want you to take care of them like you took care of others your whole life. 

Along with self-reflection and possible therapy, I'd also recommend engaging in activities you liked as a child and/or activities your inner child might like pile three. You don't have to do this all the time, but I think your inner child would like it if you integrated them with your current self more; I said this earlier, but they very much feel as if you abandoned them almost? Overall, they're saying they want some type of closure, but inner children never really leave you know? It's important to foster them just as much as you foster and take care of your current self, so maybe look into how you can cater to them more and in turn cater to the present you.

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐕

Shufflemancy:

"Ev'rybody Wants To Be A Cat" from the Aristocats

"Call Me, Beep Me" from Kim Possible

"It's My Turn Now" From Jump In

"I See The Light" from Tangled

"The Fairly Oddparents Theme" from The Fairly Oddparents

Cards: 

The World, Page of Cups (Rx), Nine of Cups, The Empress, Three of Wands (Rx), Knight of Cups (Rx), King of Wands, Four of Wands, Four of Coins, Two of Cups (Rx), Judgment, The Star

Reading:

For those who chose this pile, your inner child seems really happy with you overall! Something could be coming in for you soon that makes them very excited, and/or you're doing things in your life that makes them so proud of you. It's like a "I knew you could make it" attitude from them. Despite childhood problems and other things trying to knock you off your path, you've always pulled through and made things work for you and given yourself a ton of life fulfillment as a result. The second verse from "It's My Turn" explains your current energy very well according to your inner child. 

Your inner child wants to talk about the way you interact with your emotions, nature, and the way you view your accomplishments. Although your inner child sees you as succeeding, it seems your current self does not see things the same way. You could feel as if things are delayed, and as a result you're frustrated. Your inner child sees this as you being petty and moody; almost like you're throwing a tantrum for some of you. You could think luck isn't on your side, and therefore you feel immense anxiety and internal imbalance. Some of you are trying to rush things when there's nothing to rush - it's a matter of patience and resilience as you wait for things to come in. 

With the King of Wands, this pile does have a lot of inner strength, and your inner child wants you to hone in on that skill. They want you to be bold in your decisions and self-expression; for them, being loud and open about who they are and what it is they want to do is important. They want everyone to know you're going to all these events and aspire to be whatever profession you want because they know you (and as a result, they) can do anything it is you/they want. They don't want you to be "stingy with information”. 

To an extent, your inner child feels disconnected from you. They could feel as if you don't talk to them enough, and/or they feel as if you don't come to them for advice even though they have good ideas too! They can be helpful too! Your inner child has a lot of ideas and ambitions that they feel you're shutting out or forgetting about, but they know they can achieve them if you let them. 

Overall, this pile's inner child wants them to recognize how much it is you're achieving - even if it doesn't feel like it. They want you to listen to them because they have great ideas that can lead you to achieve goals you and they have. Overall, they want you to have hope because good things are coming in, and you're gonna be so happy soon; they want to be able to enjoy that merriment with you, but you have to be willing to let them. Your inner child wants your mentality to match with your reality and their mentality; they want you to shed your anxiety and instead think of what all you have accomplished because they're ready to go for more.

[jester089]

Not a peep

Sorry to all my unfinished requests sitting in my inbox. I will do them eventually. But their's so many character type requests and those take the most out of me because I need to really think. So I'm taking an intermission to write what I want to write. TADC Crew x Eerily Silent Reader

Caine

You never talking or making any kind of noise intrigues Caine. He has never met a human that never talks, non the less never makes any noise at all. He will most likely try to get you to say something or set up scenarios where you trip and knock something over. But they never work. You either notice them before hand. Or are able to think fast enough to stop any noise. Once he's over the initial want to disrupt your constant silence he doesn't really think of you differently. You're unique sure but you're still human.

Gangle

You freak Gangle tf out. The fact that you kind of just appear without her knowing. Or you could have been standing near her for minutes her not knowing. It makes her think you're going to do something bad to her like Jax. You never talk, or emote. Your face always unchanging. After enough time of you doing nothing good nor bad to her she starts to get used to you. You still make her uncomfortable but the fact that you haven't done anything makes her not as worried. She still isn't ok with the fact that you kind of just are around her and she doesn't know. But with enough time she will react less strongly to it. It'll never not scare her. But it can be lessened.

Zooble

Zooble appreciates you. You don't do anything to help or hinder her. You don't annoy her or try to talk to her. You are the only person she will willingly let into her room. And she stays true to that. Because when you are with her you don't touch things and don't make noise. You just exist near her. She doesn't like people. But you give her some much needed connection and attachment without pushing her like everyone else. She will secretly try and make you talk, but she never goes as far as a lot of the others. It's most just a "Hey, you feel like getting something to eat?" Just basic questions thinking you might slip up one of these times.

Kinger

Kinger surprisingly doesn't dislike you. You'd think with how jumpy he is with normal people he would really hate your quiet nature but he doesn't. Sure you scare him more often then not but he knows you are never trying to. You just exist in a way that works for you and that leads to everyone getting jump scared every other hour. You seem really mentally stable compared to everyone and not surprisingly are a very good listener. So he enjoys being around you. In moderation. It's hard to keep up conversation without any responses or even reactions from the person you're talking to. It's like talking to a living breathing inanimate object that moves. He's genuinely debating on if you're a robot or not. But your chest rises and falls just like his, you eat, drink, sleep (despite not having to), and move in a very human way.

Ragatha

At first like many others you, freak her out. She feels like you're planning something bad with how you never talk or interact. You just observe. She feels like you're gathering information to better mess with/kill everyone. It makes her sweat and get all stiff when you're so much as in the same room as her. It takes her a whole lot of time to realize you aren't hostile. You aren't really friendly either. You're just there. She appreciates you not being bad. But also you're unnerving to her and everyone else. You know when you scare someone and they "jump"? Well when you just appear next to her she jumps, literally. One time she was already on edge then you appeared next to her, she got a good foot off the ground that time.

Jax

Naturally once meeting you Jax does everything he physically can to make you talk, or react, or make any kind of sound. He always fails no matter how good his "prank" was. It annoys him. One time you got hit in the face with a full paint bucket and you didn't react or cry out in pain. You took the hit straight in the nose then hit the floor. Despite that and your nose being caved in you didn't react in the slightest and you didn't make even the smallest sound. Now he avoids you. He's scared that if he keeps pushing you're going to snap and kill him. And I don't know about you but I wouldn't mess with someone who can take a full paint bucket to the face, get their nose broken and not react at all.

Pomni

You initially freaked out Pomni but she's actually learned to really appreciate you. You still make her slightly uncomfortable but she isn't afraid of you like she used to be. You are an amazing listener, you are surprisingly strong considering how you look, you keep Jax away from her, and you help her look for an exit. Well help is a strong word. You just exist around her and every now and again when she asks for your help with something you do. She really wonders if you are just like that or getting put into the digital realm messed with your head somehow. But she can't worry about that now. Right now she needs to find a way out of here.

(You can kinda tell when I am or am-n't writing for myself. Personal stuff is usually shorter and worse quality. I go above and beyond with requests because I want people to enjoy them. But that does make me get burned out quicker.)

xoxo, Jester

[whore-4-drewstarkey]

Lips of An Angel- Drew Starkey x Fem!Reader

summary: based on the song Lips Of An Angel by Hinder. (take a listen! i recommend it!!) Y/N drunkenly calls up her ex boyfriend drew, to confess her love she still has for him and all her regrets from their past relationship.

warnings: odessa…., alcohol consumption, emotional cheating (if you even call it that), angst, a tad of fluff if you squint, slight mentions of physical/mental/emotional abuse (not from drew), lmk if i forgot anything bc i’m sure i did lol.

a/n: for starters…. i’ve been waiting to write this one and i was gonna do it for rafe first but it just felt more right to do drew lol. also please don’t come at me for the way i put odessa in this. (personal opinion: i don’t think they’re really a thing irl but whatever). for the sake of this fic i had to put her in it to work as she’s the only prominent female in his life besides his sisters so bare with me please. (personally not a fan of her for my own reasons and things i’ve read) hope you all enjoy this one!

revised and edited by the one and only @slut4drudy ilyyyyy

as drew had just put the last of the champagne glasses into the sink from his and odessa’s small get together with friends, he could hear his phone ringing that all too familiar ringtone… the ringtone he had set for only her. he thought to himself… how strange it’d be for her to call him at such an absurd hour after not talking to one another in two years.

him and Y/N had began to date their senior year of college at western carolina university, and just like every college couple, they eventually broke it off a few years later. it had been a mutual agreement when he got cast on netflix’s show, outer banks, as she didn’t want to hold him back any longer from achieving all the goals she knew he would. the two however kept in contact regularly until none at all just two years ago when she’d started dating her now boyfriend maverick. and from what Y/N seen drew had also moved on… to his costar odessa.

“hey, uh drew your phone is ringing. do you want me to get it?” odessa asked drew as he finished washing the champagne flutes, drying his hands hurriedly with the towel next to the sink.

“uh, nah, um i’ll go answer it. it might be my mom. you know her and not being able to sleep and missing her kids. i’m just gonna go in the reading room and take the call. i’ll be back out in twenty. sound good?” he asked warily.

“yeah yeah take your time. tell her i said hi for me” she smiled as his towering figure walked past her frame and into the living room, picking his phone up. his large thumb moved nimbly against his phones screen to answer the call from Y/N as he entered the reading room, plopping on the couch.

“h-honey, why you callin me so late? it’s kinda hard to talk right now” he stuttered out her pet name he hadn’t called her in years. all he received in return were her soft sobs from the other line. those little soft sobs shattered his heart. the last time he’d heard them was because of him. because he had spoke the idea of maybe they should break up. because he didn’t know if he could do the long distance relationship, and Y/N had just agreed. no hesitation because she wanted whatever would make him happy. and if that meant breaking up with her and breaking her heart, then so be it. she wanted what was best for him because she loved him.

“honey, why are you crying? is everything okay?” drew whispered out through the phone to his broken ex in an uneasy tone, as his jaw clenched. he hated the idea of her being sad. he always had.

“w-why are you whispering?” she sighed as more tears streamed down her face.

drew bit his lip, exhaling a huff of hot air he hadn’t known he was holding before speaking, “i gotta whisper because i can’t be too loud.”

“why? i-im sorry. i shouldn’t have called. this was so fucking stupid” Y/N slurred out into her end of the phone, catching drew’s attention.

“oh, well, my girls in the next room” he spoke as he paused to let her speak.

“like i-i said… this was st-stupid of me” she slurred out again before continuing, “you’re moved on. i get it”

“honey, Y/N, it’s not like that. i swear. s-shes not even my girlfriend” he tried to elaborate before she cut him off.

“then why’d you call her your girl?”she challenged.

“baby, you’re drunk. i can tell by the way you’re slurring your words. what’s wrong? why’d you call?” drew tried to deflect the question and ask the more important questions; why she’d called and why she’d been crying.

“answer my questions first please” she hiccuped through her phone and into his ear.

“we haven’t put a label on it. in all seriousness i don’t even know what i want. i don’t even think she knows what she wants. it’s more of a friends with benefits kind of deal” he sighed out as his left index finger and thumb pinched the bridge of his nose as he sighed once more, contemplating to speak what he’d been thinking for awhile now. “but honey, if i’m being serious, sometimes i wish she was you”

“i wish i was her too” Y/N whimpered out as she took a gulp of the vodka from the bottle she’d been coddling in her arms, sitting on the bathroom floor, hiding from maverick.

“i guess we never really moved on… did we?” he chuckled out, causing Y/N to smile at the sweet sound of his chuckle. it was bliss to her ears. she’d missed that sound so much in the last two years.

“now answer my question honey, what’s wrong? why’re you calling so later? isn’t it like after 1am there back home in charlotte. right?” he asked Y/N in a concerned tone, face scrunching up in worry as well, though she couldn’t see it.

“u-um. drew it doesn’t matter. forget i called you. okay?” Y/N tried to deflect his concerning questions he’d been shooting her way since the call had started.

“Y/N, honey. i’m not hanging up until you tell me what’s got you so bent out of shape that you’re drunk off your ass, drunk calling me at 1 am your time all while sobbing. i just won’t” he huffed out, losing his patience in the girl on the other line.

“joseph” she began to slur, sternly, “i said it doesn’t matter. go back to your girl or whatever the fuck she is to you” she hiccuped yet again.

“fuck, i cant believe i’m about to say this right now, but it’s really good to hear your voice sayin’ my name. it sounds so sweet” drew smiled to himself as he softly giggled. maybe it was from the champagne he’d had earlier or maybe it was the blissfulness from just hearing Y/N oh so sweet voice saying his name again.

“i love you” Y/N slurred out once more as she started to cry again. “i’ve never stopped” she continued. “i thought i could and would move on but i cant and it hurts me that we aren’t a thing anymore” she continued to weep.

“honey don’t say that. please” he frowned as his heart cracked yet again over his ex girlfriend and her words. more like over her admittance of missing him so much still even after all these years.

“why not, drew? it’s the truth” she sniffled as she wiped her runny nose with the sleeve of his old college sweatshirt she’d still kept after all these year even after their breakup. she picked the bottle of vodka back up and took another swig of it.

“those words…. fuck. they’re coming from the lips of an angel baby. and hearing those words, it’s makes me so fucking weak. because as much as i want to be with you… i cant” he sighed as a single tear streamed down his stubbled cheek, not even bothering to wipe it away. he soon continued, “i never want to say goodbye, honey. and it’s so fucking hard to admit that. but, girl, you make it hard to be faithful with the lips of an angel” he dryly chuckled as the memories of their kisses ran through his brain. it still felt so real. the longing to be near her was still there. and the butterflies. and the desire to make her happy. and the want to make her feel safe and loved.

“drew, you’re the one who just said you guys aren’t even a thing so why would you even say that?” Y/N croaked out as she wiped more of her tears away.

“it’s complicated honey. i feel obligated to be faithful even if her and i aren’t really officially a thing. now please for the love of god, baby, why are you crying? what’s wrong? what happened?” drew exerted his concern as his eyebrows scrunched together in worry.

“i- uh, drew you cant do anything about it, so it doesn’t matter” she whimpered in a whisper, reaching for the bathroom door knob to make sure it was in fact locked. she squeezed her eyes shut as soon as she heard mavericks yells from their kitchen.

“you know, it’s funny that you called me tonight, Y/N/N, because we had some friends over and the whole time i was just thinking of you and how you’ve been. i haven’t heard from you in two years, hunny” drew whispered, his voice strained from the way his heart clenched in pain at the lack of communication between the two when they had both promised to keep in contact.

“maybe that’s why i dream of you. you know what they say, if you dream of someone that means they’re thinking of you. do you dream of me too?” she spoke shakily, as her jaw began to quiver, biting back yet another sob.

“what about maverick? and yes i’ve dreamt of you too, love. i do often” he confessed as he thought back to his dream he had of her from the other night. the two of them had gone on a picnic in the mountains back in their home state of north carolina, enjoying the scenery and all it had to offer, that was until he was awoken by odessa’s loud alarm blaring throughout his bedroom. drew’s lips parted once more as he spoke again, “and does he know you’re talking to me? will it start a fight?”

“th-that’s why i-i uh called. he… uh he got mad again and s-started to throw some things around the kitchen. h-he said some things which isn’t out of the ordinary with him” her frail voice cracked as she finally admitted to him why she had called him so late in the first place. tears once again started pouring out of her once bright eyes which have now been filled with void. “he drinks… a lot. and when he does… he gets kinda aggressive. he will do things to me and say horrible things as well. i-i called you tonight because i’m drunk and i miss you and i know you’d never do this shit to me and because you listen. so well. you always have” she began to cry again for what felt like the twelfth time that night.

“honey, what are you talking about? has he hit you? do you have a place to go?” drew shot up at the mention of mavericks behavior coming from Y/N. he was on high alert and wanted nothing more than to protect her at that instant.

“i shouldn’t have even called. does odessa even know you’re on the phone with me? i don’t want her to get mad at you. i shouldn’t have even called” Y/N stumbled over her words due to the excessive amounts of alcohol she’d been drinking and maybe even a mix of anxiety.

“no, i don’t think she has a clue. i told her it was probably my mom, but, i knew it was you. i still have your number saved to my phone… with your ringtone too. couldn’t get myself to delete it, even after all these years” he confessed as he ran a hand through his shaggy hair. he bit his lip in frustration before speaking sternly this time around, “Y/N, honey, tell me…. has he fucking hit you?”

“y-yes. but he didn’t mean to” she tried to excuse her boyfriends actions, though deep down she knew it was a lie. “and yeah if i have to i can go to my brothers but i don’t need anyone’s fucking help or pity” she blurted a little loud.

“fuck, Y/N” he sighed as fresh tears broke his waterline of his azul eyes, his jaw clenched tight.

“it’s okay, drew, i promise. i’m not your problem anymore. i haven’t been for four years now.” she expressed as she drank the last bit of the vodka that was left in the bottle.

“Y/N can you do one thing for m-“ drew was cut off by a soft knock on the reading rooms door, notifying him that someone ,odessa, was on the other side.

“hey, uh you almost done? it’s getting late and i wanna go to bed” she complained to drew as he’d pulled his phone away from his attentive ears.

“u-uh yeah. let me tell my mom goodnight real quick” he stuttered nervously, worried she’d been ease dropping on part of the private conversation he’d been having on the phone with Y/N. and with that odessa nodded her head as she left the room, shutting the door as she went.

“what is it that you want me to promise you?” Y/N sniffled.

“call me if it gets bad again. i’ll fly out there immediately”

“i promise.”

“i never wanna say goodbye” he admitted to her after her promise.

“i don’t either, but you have to” she spoke flatly as she’d just heard Odessa moments before. she opened her mouth, speaking one last line, “i love you drew”

“i-i love you too honey” drew spoke the words he’d been bottling up since the day the two broke up, as fresh tears streamed down his stubbled cheeks. during the moment he spoke those words all he could hear were mavericks yells and bangs onto the bathroom door through his phone, before the call ended all together.

taglist: @slut4drudy @runningfrom2am @maybankslover

[doe-prince]

I love Golden Shrike! I've had my own comic idea for about a decade now, but I'm wondering, for you, how long did it take you to be confident enough with your art to start your comics? had you attempted panels and backgrounds earlier and didn't put them out because you weren't happy with them yet? I'm almost done with my characters and writing but I'm worried I'm not good enough to actually start doing panels

(these are just my views and experiences! there's as many approaches as there's artists)

I was BAD when I started comics, but then I again I was a kid who didn't care if my bunny-cat-digimon comics weren't good enough, it was just fun to do. Which is what it should still be, fun and a fulfillment to you. I think the happiest an artisit can be is when they can draw like they have no audience.

My comics stopped in my teenhood when I actually wanted to make something good. I made so much groundwork but VERY rarely got to the actual page production because I thought everything should be perfect, but we all know there's no such thing. When I noticed all my attempts were doomed, I stopped making them for like ten years until I was zapped with Fuck It We Ball-mentality. And it's the best thing that has happened to me. Childhood whimsy. Make your own toys.

Did I make test pages for Golden Shrike before starting production? Well, the first page of the comic is a test page. And the second page. And the whole first chapter. I just never stopped. Not smart but it's what works for me. Starting these 'test pages' has kickstarted two bigger comics for me, Golden Shrike and Jet and Harley.

Sure I made couple of style tests for GS even though I had a clear visual vision from the start, but Jet and Harley I just started to draw without any real practice pieces, just based on couple of CSP brushes I wanted to use. This isn't very smart as you'll likely find out later that MAN, this style takes too much effort, but if you're unlike me and don't care so much for consistency, you can always simplify it on the fly. And even I've had to change it: I stopped shading after chapter 5, briefly used 3D assets in upcoming pages, now I'm gonna shrink the font a little. They're teeny tiny things for readers, but huge for me.

There's many comic authors who like to plan every little detail before getting to work, but it doesn't work for me so I can't say much about it. I have a skeleton to follow, but I fully flesh out each chapter one by one when I reach them with pages, because I like to revisit my old visions with fresh brains. When you actually get to work, you might realize some scenes aren't needed, or they'd be better changed. Don't be scared to crack some ribs off your story skeleton. Being too loyal to your old vision can often hinder you.

Starting production is the biggest monster in comic making, but after the first step you'll mow over it leaving it in your dust and create a baby you can be so proud of. I wish you, and everyone else on the cusp of their projects GOOD LUCK, HAVE FUN, LOVE YOUR WORK.

[junk-story]

Atsushi and Me – Tanaka Junichi, Director - Ongaku to Hito Special Edition

This interview is on pages 68-69 of the magazine. Footnotes can be found at the bottom of the text.

At the time we first met, the areas where he was immature as a vocalist were numerous. However, he had a unique worldview. For so-called rock vocalists, sexy vocalizations and a husky voice is becoming characteristic, but Sakurai-kun’s voice wasn’t those things, and it had popular-music-like elements to it. There were some who said his voice rivaled The Checkers.1

But, when I met him for the first time at a yakiniku shop in Harajuku, Sakurai-kun said that he liked Peter Murphy (of Bauhaus). So I think he wanted to combine the best parts of Japanese music with bands like Bauhaus and The Cure’s English dark wave to make a style of music not seen before in Japan. That was the sort of conversation we had. Maybe at that time, he thought what he wanted to do could take shape.

The realization of that was “TABOO”, but after that, a change came about in Sakurai-kun’s self-expression. The apex of that was “Kurutta Taiyou”. BUCK-TICK began to function as a place where Sakurai-kun could vent the love and hate and regrets he was holding about his home and his mother. After that, the color of Sakurai-kun became stronger, and what came from within him, the lust for life and desire for death, things like that became his themes, and their music was also influenced by that. At the time, they often heard the opinion at Victor that “it would be better to write things that are easier to understand”, and if they had, they might have been a bigger hit, maybe even hitting the million-seller mark, but, I suppose it’s because he wasn’t hindered in expressing himself that they were able to continue until now. In the first place, they weren’t even looking for that. And his songs, which came to have these themes at their core, had refined his expressiveness, and he was able to develop himself.

I worked for about 36 years recording Sakurai-kun’s songs, but he left all of it to me.2 “I’m doomed to my fate3, so I’ll sing a number of takes in my best form, and afterward, please use your favorite”, he’d say. I almost never had any requests about the take I chose. This is really an incredible thing. Most singers give me detailed requests, but he didn’t. I guess he realized that other people saw things differently than he did, and if he thought they did, I think he thought it was best to elevate that different expression atop the stage. Also, I think he was considerate about not making others feel bad.

Yes, he was a considerate and kind person. For example, when he was traveling to a big city studio, he was coming by car and got stuck in traffic, so he was also late. At times like that, although many musicians would have come in unashamed, Sakurai-kun was prostrate. “Everyone, truly, I’m so sorry…”, he’d say, and he’d bow his head to everyone all the way down to the studio’s assistant. He was someone who understood general thinking. And, he wasn’t that conscious of his commercial success. He also had no desire for fame. For that kind of person to continue being in a band, and think they want to make a career of it, that’s an extremely curious thing. Well...more than the music, more than the band, I suppose the important thing was that he was doing it with the other members. That’s why he was slow to start things outside of that, and he’d find it bothersome. (laughs) There were also things like that, and his solo album, “Ai no Wakusei”, was outsourced by me to various people, and Sakurai-kun only did the singing for it. Because when he’d communicate directly, he’d start to think about what to say, get nervous, and end up thinking about various things. (laughs)

Even after the band separated from Victor, behind the scenes, I did the recording for a number of songs. This is presumptuous of me to say, but I think I was the only one they could leave to doing it for them. However, what I think now...he would sing five takes, and he wanted to hear from me which of the takes was really the best one. Although I can’t confirm that now...but I’d like to think...that he knew the take that I thought was the best, was the best take for BUCK-TICK.

However, from the start, there were also times where he wasn’t the kind of person who could do that. (laughs) The time from “darker than darkness – style 93 – ” to “Six/Nine” was quite tumultuous. He wouldn’t show up to do vocal recordings. (laughs) This was an era without cell phones, so all we could do was wait, and after 10 hours passed, he finally came. (laughs) When we finished recording the vocals, I was listening and heard they’d driven to Mount Fuji. (laughs) There was everything with his mother, and I imagine he was pushed to a breaking point mentally. But from that, the “death” part of love and death came to expand significantly.

At that time, he was experiencing the chaos of the adult world, and I wonder if he didn’t come to have a hard time knowing what was real. So he wanted to run away from everything; his work and private life were both a mess. He drank alcohol like a drunk, like he was trying to forget reality. To put It nicely, he was pure. He wasn’t a person who could get along well in this world. However, he’d tasted that life, so the lyrics of that time had that reality in them. It may just be what I imagine, but “darker than darkness – style 93 – ” is all real. It’s not something that was made.4 I want everyone to listen to it again like that. And it’s also because of that experience that his love, hope, and kindness of not wanting to die emerged after that. And he started expressing his feelings more honestly.

Therefore, his love for family was incredible. Especially for the daughters. He had something he needed to protect, so he started to want to live. Sakurai Atsushi didn’t abandon himself to despair. I wanted to listen to more songs like that from him. If he had, then maybe a chapter where we met again would have begun. With a man who aged well.

Other than that, what I remember is nothing but stuff when we were drinking. (laughs) Because it was incredible, in any case. The live would end, and from about 11 PM we’d take off. After that, it was typical to spend time at Roppongi’s BOO!WHO?WOO!, and the shop has a small window that you can see the outside from, so you know when dawn is breaking. Nevertheless, Sakurai-kun was lively. Meanwhile, “Waratte ii tomo!”5 starts on the television. And then it got dark outside again. We were drinking that entire time. How much alcohol can a person go on drinking? I remember wondering.

Also, he was a person who was loved by everyone. By that I mean falling in love. When we were returning from London and at the airport counter checking in, the attendant saw Sakurai-kun, got heart eyes, and gave us a seat upgrade, and we were able to have an elegant return trip home because of it. (laughs)

1 Band from the same era (worth checking out!) 2 He allowed Tanaka to call the shots. 3 This turn of phrase didn’t really work well in any way I translated it...but sort of like, “there’s nothing to be done for it” – here he is, all he can do is his best! Like that. 4 Just in case this isn’t clear – he means this wasn’t constructed or fake in any way – this is truly where Sakurai was mentally at the time. 5 A long running variety TV show that was hosted by Tamori. It started at noon, to give you a reference of the time he’s talking about here.

[celestie0]

hello, my lil smut for ch 10 enthusiasts!

i know most of you are here for porn without plot, with little to no care about the plot, but let me get something very straight to you: ellie has mentioned before that kickoff is a slow-burn, it’s in tags too (cue: go check them out).

you might be wondering what a slow burn is (i fully believe you have slow comprehension skills, it’s fine, i myself am dyslexic), but for your ease here’s a number of definitions of slow burn from google:

A slow burn is when the romantic attraction between characters builds slowly over the course of a novel or series.

— bookriot.com

If something is a slow burn, or if it happens on a slow burn, it develops slowly.

— collinsdictionary.com

The slow-burn genre in movies is typically characterized by deliberate pacing, restrained storytelling, and a gradual buildup of tension and suspense.

— collider.com

Slow burn love is a love that goes beyond the initial spark of attraction — it is, as the name suggests, a kind of love that requires time and attention, but that can also last.

— slice.ca

next time, i would suggest you all should use google to search for terms you do not understand the meaning of, or better yet when you do understand something (which i am sure you do), you must always consider it and the feelings of the writer before you send insensitive asks to them.

moving on, you all are in fact very horny and need to get laid instead of asking ellie or anyone to write you smut. ellie had specified multiple time that kickoff chapter 10 will not have any amount of smut in it. if you want to read smut jjk fandom is very horny there are at least 2000 smuts of gojo satoru on tumblr and ao3 alone, you should read those. very easy to find them.

anyways, here are the reasons why smut in chapter 10 of kickoff is bad idea:

reader is an introvert, she’s not weak, not insecure, she is an introvert. i am not saying introverts don’t hook up because they do so. but reader is not the kind to hook up the first chance she gets.

reader and gojo are not just two people who are lusting after one another, their feelings are both emotionally and sexually very strong for each other and they respect one another a little too much to jump in to fucking each other and ruining their relationship before it even begins. why will it be ruined? because they both have not bonded as much as you all would like to pretend they have.

it is one thing to have sex with a stranger or a friend you find attractive and not let it interfere with your relationship with a person than doing the same with someone you are interested in. when you like someone, there are emotions involved. there is a lot more that satoru and reader need to sort out before they should consider sex.

they want a long lasting relationship with each other, rushing into sex will hinder that, because when you rush into things you do not let them develop with the ease and smoothness that they would have had had unnecessary stress not influenced the they. for a relationship to be successful, the foundation needs to be strong. you do not build a foundation by fucking each other’s brains out but rather by doing other mature stuff like bonding through conversations and emotional and significant gestures.

remember when reader walked out of that washroom leaving satoru with blue balls? remember when satoru refused to touch her when reader when asked him to? yes, you are invalidating their entire personalities by asking them to fuck each other already.

they each have a personality, and neither falls in the bracket of fucking the person they want to spend their lives with without letting the relationship marinate enough to last.

they began fresh in chapter 9, where reader made it very clear that satoru needs to reassure her of his feelings. you are not reading the same fic that most readers are if you think they have been together for a long time now, because trust me the last 4 chapters have been anything but smooth sailing between them. if that is your definition of “been together for a long time”, maybe reconsider the relationships you have in your present lives because it requires revaluation.

when they established starting afresh, it meant they will rebuild their bond, which means that they will need to go back to square one and start to focus on one another in order to strengthen their bond and state their feelings in a more tangible manner.

when ellie wrote this fic, she created an outline of the plot, the events that would take place and their sequence; you expressing your disappointment will do nothing but demotivate her and it will definitely not make her write that smut for you.

this is ellie’s fic, and the plot in her fic does not allow her to write smut in chapter 10. done.

a bonus:

if you’re asking reader to make gojo jealous maybe consider the fact that they have indeed established semi-exclusivity, and in order to build the foundation of a relationship you need to act petty like pulling cheap stunts to make the other person jealous.

i need you to realise that kickoff is a rather realistic, non-toxic piece of fiction where two people who are into each other are not going to fuck before reassuring the other of their feelings.

wait patiently, and the good will come to you. if you can’t do so and would prefer to send ellie hate, send in passive aggressive messages to make her characters have sex, or give her backhanded compliments disguising your demand for the couple to fuck, you should:

use your creativity, your knowledge of english and write a smutty fic.

go ahead and read one of thousands of other gojo smut.

stay quiet and keep your opinion to yourself, kickoff is free for you. ellie is not your provider, she is sharing the fic with you. if you want her to do something that desperately, negotiate a commission.

anyways, kickoff has healed me.

some of you loudmouthed ones may not care about plot, just the smut, but most of us are here for the plot. we like the plot, we like knowing what’s going on in the lives of the characters. we enjoy their lives, we grieve their loses. let the experience be fun for us and ellie, and leave if you cannot behave in a civil manner.

the only things that’s acceptable of you readers are constructive criticism and love. if you don’t have either of it to give, kindly quieten yourself and close the tab. leaving the fic would be easier than being frustrated over it.

apologies for the mistakes, the ask was written and sent in absolute rage over a small fraction of you very insensitive people.

💌🫶🏼

flowie, i could cry. seriously idk how you manage to know my own story more than i do LOOOL but i swear every time that you reflect so deeply on kickoff, it has me in awe and in tears because i just feel so seen by you. and thank you SO much for standing up n making these points, because they are points that i've really wanted to make but was just too scared to, and i feel so safe to see that you've written this out for me in my defense 😭😭😭

those definitions of slow burn had me tearing up so bad idk why sdfkjdshfklj i think because they take slow burn as more than just "oh two characters wait long time to fuck" and make it into something more, and honestly even i needed to have that put into perspective for me! thank you so much :'')

your understanding for my characters 😭😭 i just i canttskfksjdf. i totally agree 100% w all your points, and they completely align w the creative direction i want to take w my story. i KNOW that sex can be spontaneous, and doesn't always need to be goody goody and within the confines of a relationship. i have enjoyed so many stories where sex is wild n toxic n crazy, because i just think it fits the VIBE of that specific story.

but i've tried to show time n time again w kickoff characters specifically that they aren't as inclined to act on their libidos, at least not when they truly care about someone else AND when they're trying to look out for themselves (like the examples you brought up, w reader putting her foot down during the bathroom sex scene. or when gojo refused to touch reader in the hotel room bc he knew that she would regret it in the morning)

i knowww that readers have different perspectives on these scenes, and i LOVE that. there's absolutely no right or wrong way to interpret a scene, because stories are inherently subjective and are meant to be enjoyed that way. i have interpreted scenes in my own favorite stories very differently from maybe what the author had in mind, or what other readers had in mind. but what i find really upsetting about people expecting me to include smut prematurely is that it makes me feel like you're not really reading my story for what is is, and rather you want me to make it into something that YOU want, disregarding all of my other attempts to really try n show my readers who these characters are. if reader was spontaneous or if gojo was careless, and these traits were shown in the story, then maybe i could understand certain expectations, but i've tried to put thought into showing their personalities, and for certain readers to entirely gloss over it and move straight to "SEXSEXSEX" is really disheartening, n yes demotivating for me as well.

there's a difference between "oh my god it would've been so hot if they fucked in that bathroom, but i guess it makes sense why they didn't...can't wait for them to slut each other out eventually tho!!" and sending me a direct ask that just says "i am so disappointed you're not gonna make them fuck in the next chapter, even though you've spent the past two months working on it and it's 80 pgs long and you haven't even released it yet but i'm still going to be passive aggressive n find fault w it because! me want sex!! me want sex!!"

i think deeply about my stories because they are personal to me. it's like journaling essentially LOL. i've mentioned before that kickoff is an ode to a painful situationship i had my first year of college, and i've also mentioned that reader is based off of a very close friend of mine who i love very dearly n i feel so bad that she doesn't believe in herself at times, and i wanted to show her how much i'm rooting for her through my story. i figured, well if i'm going to write a story, might as well share it w others and i'm a horny bitch so of fucking course there's gonna be smut.

like it's a win win situation for everyone i think?? i get to write what i want, i get to share what i want, n i get to entertain my lovely lil readers, n we all get to interact w eachother n make cute lil headcanons n talk about our days, n then we move on w our lives until next time?? why can't it just be like this, lol. i think if some people just really toned down their entitlement, then the writing community as a whole would thrive.

ANWYASY sorry flowie i didn't really direclty respond to your words, kinda went on a rant here, but tbh i think you said everything i wanted to say :'') so thanks bb <33 LOVE YOU SO MUCH

[sunkissedchld]

𝐏𝐈𝐂𝐊 𝐀 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃

𝒎𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒂𝒈𝒆𝒔 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒊𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒓 𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒍𝒅

the piles go from left to right. therefore, pile one is the nintendo ds, pile two is the panasonic, and so on and so forth.

take your time to use your intuition to choose the pile that will best resonate with you. lastly, please don’t be afraid to say if the message resonated or not. it helps me in determining if my interpretations are correct or not, and i appreciate any sort of feedback - even if it’s “bad”.

good luck to you, reader 🌐

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈

Shufflemancy:

"The Gospel Truth I / Main Titles" from Hercules

"I Want It All" from High School Musical 3

"Lip Gloss" by Lil Mama

"Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani

"Breakthrough" from Lemonade Mouth

Cards:

Three of Wands, Six of Cups, The Hermit (Rx), The Empress, The Magician, Knight of Coins, Ten of Swords, The Chariot, Eight of Wands

Reading:

Those who chose this pile might've really liked the movie "Hercules" as a kid; I told your inner child I'd never seen the movie, and they were offended 😭. Little you might've had really big ambitions and dreams but maybe felt like things and/or people held them back. My internet randomly went out when writing, so I feel like that was a sign of how your inner child felt or could even feel at this time. 

You could be someone who has to rely a ton on self-motivation rather than being able to depend on others; you may feel like you always had to take "the long way around" in order to accomplish things you really wanted to do. Your inner child can tell you still have to do that and actually admires that you're willing and able to rely on yourself rather than others; it's like they see it as a thread connecting you to them - like you never left each other or changed all that much. As much as they admire this connection, they also can tell you're still lonely and feel rejected by society; they might even feel this way themselves. 

Your inner child wants you to connect more to the energy of The Empress. For some of you, they want you to literally comfort them and listen to them like a mother would. They want you to tap into your emotions and recognize what all you feel, consciously and subconsciously. More than anything, they want you to stand up for yourself and ask for what it is you need. If you need someone other than yourself to rely on, they want you to turn to people in your life and ask them to help you or share with them things you've been hiding out of fear. If you need obstacles to be removed more easily, they want you to ask your guides and the universe to help remove them; they might even want you to confront the people or objects hindering you personally. If you need a figurative breakthrough, they want you to ask for it. 

With The Magician, your inner child recognizes you have the potential to accomplish whatever it is you want to, and that ambition and hard work you've always relied on gets you through a ton, but things could potentially be a lot easier if you ask for the help you're wanting. Some of you may be feeling very bitter about having to do things all on your own; some of you may even be averse to asking others for help, but your inner child is asking that you try anyway. They want you to embark on this journey with them even if you think nothing will come of it. With Eight of Wands at the bottom of the deck, things may actually work out better than you think. 

Overall, your inner child wants you to ask for the help you need. If you never ask for help directly, then you'll never receive it. Of course, some people will be stubborn and not help, but there is also likely a group of people who are willing to do so but never knew you were struggling in the first place. With the cards in this pile, you do have control over your situation pile one; it may not feel that way, but you can achieve more than you think - even if it takes forever and a day to do so.

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐈

Shufflemancy:

"Year 3000" by the Jonas Brothers

"Fruit Salad" by The Wiggles

"The Naked Mole Rat" from Kim Possible

"Brand New Day" from Camp Rock 2

"Naturally" by Selena Gomez

Cards:

Six of Cups, Page of Cups, The Magician, Five of Swords, Four of Coins, Four of Cups, Three of Swords, Five of Cups, Two of Wands, Queen of Swords, Five of Coins, Six of Coins

Reading:

With the "Year 3000" coming out first, I feel like this pile might have people who were super into science-fiction as kids! You could've loved movies like Meet the Robinsons and Minutemen. You might've been a quiet kid who, when they were finally comfortable with someone, ended up talking a ton; I found this really endearing, so if you still do that or feel an urge to - don't shy away from that!

Your inner child is another one that's open to the idea of nostalgia and may feel like there's a clear connection to the current you and them. You could have youthful features or a youthful way of thinking; maybe you're very optimistic and sensitive, and you might even be very intuitive. You could be highly perceptive to things relating to the spiritual realm; with that, you may find that things like magic, manifestation, etc. come easy for you. Despite this, you may not share those gifts, or you may feel ashamed of these traits connected to you. 

You could've been bullied as a child or always felt as if you had to submit to other people rather than being who you truly are. Maybe you were shamed for being too sensitive; people might've said you were too optimistic or in your head and not being realistic. Because of this, you might've decided to close yourself off from others - emotionally and in other ways. You may have evaluated what people said about you and took it to heart, deciding to become who they wanted you to be versus existing as you were/are. You might've felt like you were in a situation where you act how people want you to, or you don't survive - even if it hurt you a ton. 

It seems like your inner child is heartbroken by your choice to close yourself off - when you decided to do it and also now as you continue to engage in that behavior. I also accidentally wrote your future child, so there could be a worry that you take the advice you were given as a kid and impose it on your future child which would only make the pain generational. To an extent, they feel as if you're harming yourself and staying stuck in the same place you were a kid when you decide to close yourself off to others. Some of you may be in the same hometown or around the same people that caused you to become this warped, unrealistic version of yourself. I heard, "I just want you back". 

Your inner child wants you to leave the area you're in completely - this could be the physical space your in and/or the mental space you're in where you've cut yourself off from being your true self. Your inner child wants you to use the knowledge and experience you've gained along with the optimism and sensitivity you had as a child. That power I was talking of earlier in terms of connection to spirituality and intuition still exists; the "unrealistic" things you want are still possible. It's okay to daydream a little while also including some realism; you don't have to be "the stuffy adult they told you that you have to be". 

For this pile, this acceptance of all the things about yourself that you were told to shun would do you good. Your inner child would be happier, but it could also lighten a load on your current self. Instead of feeling isolated and not like yourself, you could be your authentic self and find that people are now more accepting and similar to you than they once were. It's also important to note that often you as an individual are not the issue, but the environment you're placed in can be. Don't be afraid to express the parts of yourself you hid for so long; it's important to be true to yourself over anyone else. 

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐈𝐈

Shufflemancy:

"Lovebug" by the Jonas Brothers

"Be Prepared" from the Lion King

"Un Poco Loco" from Coco

"Don't Run Away" from Let It Shine

"Suite Life of Zack & Cody Theme" from the Suite Life of Zack and Cody

Cards:

The Sun, Nine of Wands, King of Swords, Justice, Ten of Wands, Ace of Coins, The Tower, The Devil (Rx), The World, Six of Coins, Six of Wands

Reading:

For those who chose this pile, you might've been chronically sad as a child. You could've started out with a sunny, positive disposition, but it seems that happiness might've been destroyed early on in your life. Some of you might have been the type of kid that sympathized with the villains because you understood why they did what they did. Others of you might have loved love as a child, but the idea of love you had became warped - maybe because your parents mirrored bad love habits or you were left heartbroken early in your life; I get the feeling you and your inner child still love love though!

You might've understood the rough or undesirable circumstances you grew up in very early and learned how to persevere through them. You're the type of person that understands how to keep going when it seems like everything and everyone is wanting you to give up or wither down. Your experiences with a lack of happiness may lead you to take on a leadership type of role in your current position. You could be the type of person to build up relationships slowly, you could have a strong sense of what justice is and what's "good" and "wrong". 

Your inner child feels as if you always had to be more adult than they wanted to be. This could've doubled as a blessing and a curse because taking control and being more mature led you to more security and knowledge, but it also meant you never truly experienced a childhood in a sense. It seems like this upsets your inner child a lot; it gives them a lot of anxiety because it's like they were a child for a short period of time, and then all of sudden they were left behind, and you just magically became an adult. 

This pile's inner child wants you to go back and look at your foundations - to re-evaluate why you had to become an adult so fast. They want to be able to release all the anger they have towards the fact they couldn't be the kid they were. Overall, your inner child wants to be happy again - like they were when they could still be the young child they were. Your inner child wants to talk; for some of you, they want counseling and/or therapy. For some of you, they want you to take care of them like you took care of others your whole life. 

Along with self-reflection and possible therapy, I'd also recommend engaging in activities you liked as a child and/or activities your inner child might like pile three. You don't have to do this all the time, but I think your inner child would like it if you integrated them with your current self more; I said this earlier, but they very much feel as if you abandoned them almost? Overall, they're saying they want some type of closure, but inner children never really leave you know? It's important to foster them just as much as you foster and take care of your current self, so maybe look into how you can cater to them more and in turn cater to the present you.

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐕

Shufflemancy:

"Ev'rybody Wants To Be A Cat" from the Aristocats

"Call Me, Beep Me" from Kim Possible

"It's My Turn Now" From Jump In

"I See The Light" from Tangled

"The Fairly Oddparents Theme" from The Fairly Oddparents

Cards:

The World, Page of Cups (Rx), Nine of Cups, The Empress, Three of Wands (Rx), Knight of Cups (Rx), King of Wands, Four of Wands, Four of Coins, Two of Cups (Rx), Judgment, The Star

Reading:

For those who chose this pile, your inner child seems really happy with you overall! Something could be coming in for you soon that makes them very excited, and/or you're doing things in your life that makes them so proud of you. It's like a "I knew you could make it" attitude from them. Despite childhood problems and other things trying to knock you off your path, you've always pulled through and made things work for you and given yourself a ton of life fulfillment as a result. The second verse from "It's My Turn" explains your current energy very well according to your inner child. 

Your inner child wants to talk about the way you interact with your emotions, nature, and the way you view your accomplishments. Although your inner child sees you as succeeding, it seems your current self does not see things the same way. You could feel as if things are delayed, and as a result you're frustrated. Your inner child sees this as you being petty and moody; almost like you're throwing a tantrum for some of you. You could think luck isn't on your side, and therefore you feel immense anxiety and internal imbalance. Some of you are trying to rush things when there's nothing to rush - it's a matter of patience and resilience as you wait for things to come in. 

With the King of Wands, this pile does have a lot of inner strength, and your inner child wants you to hone in on that skill. They want you to be bold in your decisions and self-expression; for them, being loud and open about who they are and what it is they want to do is important. They want everyone to know you're going to all these events and aspire to be whatever profession you want because they know you (and as a result, they) can do anything it is you/they want. They don't want you to be "stingy with information”. 

To an extent, your inner child feels disconnected from you. They could feel as if you don't talk to them enough, and/or they feel as if you don't come to them for advice even though they have good ideas too! They can be helpful too! Your inner child has a lot of ideas and ambitions that they feel you're shutting out or forgetting about, but they know they can achieve them if you let them. 

Overall, this pile's inner child wants them to recognize how much it is you're achieving - even if it doesn't feel like it. They want you to listen to them because they have great ideas that can lead you to achieve goals you and they have. Overall, they want you to have hope because good things are coming in, and you're gonna be so happy soon; they want to be able to enjoy that merriment with you, but you have to be willing to let them. Your inner child wants your mentality to match with your reality and their mentality; they want you to shed your anxiety and instead think of what all you have accomplished because they're ready to go for more.

[iliadicjasontodd]

:D talk to me abt Shelia! Love your posts and I'd love to hear abt your thoughts!

Hi! Thank you :)) SO.

My thoughts on Sheila Haywood are not 100% stable, and there were times in the past where I would often waver on whether I believed she was even actually Jason's biological mother-- there is some compelling tragedy to that idea, isn't there? He dies chasing a woman he never finds, dies for someone who was not who he believed she was at all... but nowadays I mostly apply Occam's razor here. I also am not a huge fan of the idea of Lady Shiva being Jason's biological mother because I like Jason not coming from some larger-than-life bloodline/inheritance besides the ones he is adopted into; it feels very close to the idea that Jason was "doomed from the start" to me (obligatory disclaimer that I have seen it done interestingly but. yeah anyway a lot of that goes into my feelings on Cass which is not the question here so I digress).

I find Sheila's life fascinating in the sense that she is, when we meet her, obviously a shitty person but shitty in a way that feels very real to me. She is often flattened or villanised in a way that I wouldn't say isn't fair to her but I would say is rather boring, and rather easy and one-note, anyway. I am not convinced, for instance, that Sheila was just born a heinous bitch or something; I'm fairly certain that she became opportunistic and ruthless out of self-preservation over time, to the point that I don't think it would be ludicrous to say she gave up Jason partly for Jason's sake as much as because she could not stomach being hindered by a baby. Also, on a different note, it is interesting to me that she didn't abort him (until he was 15, anyway). Maybe it was out of fear, sure, considering what happened at her hands, but maybe part of her did want to have him. I do not think there is a world in which she would have been the best mother to Jason, but I do think there are many where she was a mother of some kind-- and by some kind, I mean a very, very common kind. Women are not inherently maternal, or warm, or emotionally intelligent, and Sheila is not really any of these things and probably knew it, but I do believe she would have at least effectively gotten Jason to adulthood had they ended up in a world where he was her responsibility in a way she acknowledged made him her responsibility. A lot of my views on this are admittedly influenced by convos in dms, but yeah-- I don't think Jason, empathetic and sensitive and emotional as he is, could have ever gotten along with Sheila, but she is his mother. To Jason, who died trying to save her despite everything, that mattered; and, to Sheila, that mattered at the end, too, just far, far too late. I don't think Jason would mind having been buried near her-- actually, I think if Bruce knew exactly what went down it would bother him more to have buried Jay there than it would Jay, probably. I agree with that post that I think I reblogged recently that says if Sheila ever came back to life Jason would want her in his life. I agree with it so thoroughly I might write it myself one day.

And also she was really hot.

If we're going into constructed headcanon territory I do like the idea that Sheila is one of those Latina middle-aged women that bleach their hair that one specific shade of blonde when they hit 30 or so. Latines know which. But usually, tbh, when I'm feeling specific, I ascribe to the idea that Jason is half-Mexican on Willis' side, Willis who he thoroughly resembles, Sheila being white. I'm not married to any idea about her ethnic background or anything though.

Anyway, I could afford to have more thoughts about Sheila, tbh. I admittedly spend far more time thinking about Willis. I hope this was at least a bit interesting, anon :))

[toomuchracket]

the birthday party

(yo. first fic! a lil friends to lovers for the "write what you want week" trope night, hosted by @imightgetbetter! probably too long, probably a bit shit, but we move. the pic of matty below is what he looks like in my mind for this fic lol. enjoy!)

your heels crack off the concrete ground like peals of thunder as you run up the steps at the train station. the restaurant is just up the street, the strings of fairy lights in its window an oasis in the darkness of the february evening. you pause for a beat, shifting the strap of your bag further onto your shoulder and tightening your grip around the bouquet of yellow and orange tulips in your left hand, then continue your sprint towards the twinkling windows.

a red light at a pedestrian crossing hinders you for a few aching minutes. you slip your phone from your coat pocket and scan the screen to pass the time. your friends have replied to the message you sent to the groupchat berating your delayed train; it's cool, don't worry, these things happen, we'll order you a drink for you getting here. after heart-reacting as many messages as your freezing fingers will allow, you send another. off train, will be there in 2 mins x

green again. still clutching both your phone and the flowers, you run the final stretch of pavement, slowing as you near your finish line. the birthday girl is waiting at the door of the restaurant, her bare arms folded against her sequinned chest. her lips arch into a smile as you approach, panting slightly, and she opens her arms for a hug. you manoeuvre into it as best you can with your own upper limbs preoccupied, and speak into her shoulder: "thank you for coming out to meet me. i'm so sorry i'm late." you pull away from her hold, offering her the flowers. "happy birthday, bitch."

birthday girl's smile grows even wider, radiant, genuinely touched. "thanks, angel, you really shouldn't have," she says, taking the bouquet from you and inhaling the scent. "and don't worry at all about being late - we're all just happy you could make it. some more than others, i think."

her smile shifts slightly with the last sentence, into something more... knowing. you raise an eyebrow. "what's your point, exactly?"

"oh, nothing," she shrugs. before you can protest, she smoothes a bit of hair on the side of your head and interlinks her arm with your own. "you look beautiful, by the way. let's head in."

you let her lead the way through the semi-crowded restaurant to the table of your friends. a cheer goes up as they spot you, which makes you blush. birthday girl's fiance stands up to hug you and take your coat. "we saved you a seat up the end there," he says, with a slight incline of his head to the other end of the long table.  "next to-"

matty.

you turn to the birthday girl, who simply smiles saccharinely at you, before she nudges you to the end of the table and a set of sparkly brown eyes. one of them closes in a wink as you approach, while the man they belong to slowly rises from his seat. your heart flutters involuntarily, and your greeting comes out as a whisper. "hiya."

"hi, darlin'," comes the reply, as he pulls you into a quick hug. you quickly inhale his scent, a strong mix of tobacco and aftershave, undercut with a hint of the weed he enjoys smoking so much; a scent so sorely him that even the slightest hint of it makes your knees tremble and heart race. here, now, breathing it in in its purest form, you think you might pass out if he wasn't holding you. "it's good to see you again. s'been too long."

"yeah," you inhale softly. you break the embrace, and trail your hands gently down to hold his own larger ones, calloused from years of guitar playing. he rubs his thumbs softly over the back of your hands as you take in his lithe, black-suited body and the mop of dark curls atop his (perfect) head. "you look lovely. really well."

matty's cheeks flush slightly, lifting into a smile uncharacteristically bashful for a rockstar of his calibre. "you flatter me too much, sweetheart. and you look beautiful."

you can feel your cheeks redden as you giggle awkwardly. "the birthday girl said the same thing."

"and for once in her life, she's right," matty replies, placing a hand on the small of your back - a gesture that makes your stomach muscles twitch into tension - and guiding you into the seat next to his. he keeps one of his hands on yours, though, even as you both sit down. "not like the time she got really into french new wave shit and tried to convince us all that cycling across paris on a saturday in july was a good idea."

the memory makes you chuckle. "no, the two of us were right that day. find a quiet restaurant, sit outside drinking for five straight hours, and laugh when everyone else shows up grumpy and sore."

"that was my favourite day of the whole holiday," matty says, almost dreamily, resting his elbow on the table and his face on his hand. "you and i weren't close until then, not really. was nice to just sit and open up to each other. i love doing that with you."

"i know exactly what you mean," you reply, glowing at his words. "getting little glimpses into your brain is my favourite thing."

matty's face changes slightly as you finish talking, the expression something you can't quite describe. the air in the room feels heavier now, as if your honest words are lingering and weighing it down; you try to blow them away by continuing to speak. "and that wine we had was fucking wonderful, too!"

the brown eyes fixed on your own restart their twinkling, as matty slides a stemless glass of burgundy liquid to you. it's identical to the one in front of him, albeit fuller. "speaking of..."

you gasp. "no fucking way."

matty winks at you, smirking - a deadly combination to your heart - clearly proud of himself. as he clinks his glass against yours in a silent cheers, though, his bravado disappears, replaced by something almost resembling tenderness. "i remember you saying it was the best drink you'd ever had. every wine list i read, i look for it. here's the first place outside of paris that they've actually had it."

jesus.

you take a sip of the wine first, to taste, then go back in for a longer drink. it's good, better than you remember, so good that your eyes close involuntarily in pleasure as the fruity smoothness makes its way further down your body, leaving a trail of warmth behind. when you reopen them, matty is still looking at you softly, pretty lips curved into a slight smile. it's the most tender moment you've experienced in a long time, and you don't want to ruin it by talking.

instead, you put down your glass and shuffle your chair as close as you can to his, pointedly ignoring the shiver that dances across your skin as your thigh meets his own, and pull him into another hug. this one is longer, slower, closer - your arms rest on his shoulders, his settle around your waist. with your face in such close proximity to his neck, his scent - already ruinous to you - is inescapable; it consumes you, fills your airwaves and clouds your brain until all you can think is matty, matty, matty. before you lose all sense of coherent thought to him, you murmur a "thank you" into his shoulder, and you swear his arms tighten slightly around you. you stay entwined for a bit longer, neither of you willing to be the one to break the hold. it's only when you hear an "oi! lovebirds! can we order now, please?" from further down the table that you both reluctantly pull apart, smiling sweetly at each other.

the dinner passes without incident, aside from the birthday girl breaking a lightbulb as she over-enthusiastically opens a bottle of champagne. you talk to matty, about his music and your writing and your families and new hobbies and the shit tv you've been watching, and also to the rest of your friends. it's a lovely night, so lovely that nobody really wants to go home after the plates have been cleared and the bill has been paid - when someone suggests continuing the evening in a bar down the street, the response is a unanimous "yes".

so you go, you continue your conversations and your drinking, although the bar doesn't have the french wine you and matty drank a bottle of together earlier, much to your disappointment. you even dance, with your girls, to the overly-bass-heavy songs blasting through speakers hidden everywhere in the dimly lit room. it's fun, absolutely, but you find yourself distracted, eyes constantly flicking to matty. he's so beautiful, standing at the bar laughing with the boys and absent-mindedly toying with his hair, that it makes your heart ache. when he pulls a lighter out of his pocket and makes a beeline for the back door, you're compelled by some supernatural force to follow him, shouting excuses about wanting fresh air across the music to your friends.

a quiet curse leaves your lips as you step coatless into the crisp winter night. at the noise, matty looks up from his phone with a furrowed brow, cigarette between his lips. when he sees it's you walking towards him, he takes the cig between his fingers and exhales the smoke far more attractively than should be allowed. "y'alright, darlin'?"

"mm-hmm," you reply, leaning opposite him against the wall. "just needed some air, is all. but i'll gladly bum a cig off you, if you're offering."

matty rolls his eyes. "not this shit again, sweetheart. s'not good for you. i don't want you adopting my bad habits, do i?"

you pout sweetly and bat your lashes. "please? just one?"

matty looks at you for a second, taking a long drag of the cig as if to taunt you, before he sighs. "listen," he starts. "if you're that desperate for a nicotine hit, i'll shotgun you. just this once, yeah? don't need you ruining your pretty lungs with these things."

"deal."

matty sighs again, but takes another long drag and leans down to your level, placing his hands on the wall beside your head. "open up, then."

ignoring the way your stomach jumps at his command, you part your lips as he exhales, taking all the smoke leaving his mouth into your own. neither of you move once it's done, though; you still lean casually against the brick wall, flanked by matty's hands, both of you breathing heavily, lips mere inches apart. matty's gaze flicks to your lips and back to your eyes, and then it happens.

you're kissing.

it starts sweetly, lips on lips and nothing more, but the wine from earlier emboldens you - daringly, you swipe the tip of your tongue oh so gently over matty's bottom lip. his breath hitches, and something within him just shifts. the cigarette is flung to the ground, forgotten, and his hands come up to hold your jaw as his tongue finds its way into your mouth. as you continue to make out, your hands clutch at the lapels of his suit jacket - whether to hold yourself upright or just to keep him close to you, you have no idea. all you know is that you're finally kissing matty, and you don't want it to stop.

eventually, though, the human requirement for oxygen means that it must. it's matty who pulls away from you first, although he looks physically pained to be doing so. his hands remain on your jaw, thumbs gently caressing your cheeks as he breathes heavily, adoration in those sparkling brown eyes of his. "you have no idea how long i've wanted to do that," he pants, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead. "fucking hell, sweetheart."

panting just as much as matty, you smooth down his lapels and smile sweetly at him. "well, for me, it's been... wait, how many years has it been since we first drank that wine in paris?"

matty's eyes widen slightly. he giggles - the sweetest sound you think you've ever heard - and pulls you in for another kiss; still as passionate, but more tender than the first, with an underlying gravitas that makes your heart feel funny. this time, when he pulls away, he looks... nervous. "look, this might be too forward, and you can absolutely say no and it'll be fine. but i wanna ask you" he begins, his hands trailing down your sides and coming to rest on your hips, eyes boring into your own. "would you like to come home with me tonight? i would love it if you do."

you've never been more sure of an affirmative decision in your life.

[thevagueambition]

A lot of the writing advice I received or read online as a child and teenager ended up really hindering my writing because it made me so worried that I wasn't "doing things right" that I couldn't really write anything. I'd keep stopping to edit to make it more like how people said it should be or getting frustrated trying to write in a way I didn't enjoy

Sensory writing is for sure one of those and it's probably the advice I care least about at this point. I get the intent of the whole "including all the senses" idea but that's not how i move through the world, it's not how I think and so it's not how I write

To me, if a character takes notice of how a place smells or sounds, that's because that smell or sound is disruptive, out of the ordinary and relevant to the mental state of the character. Ie it makes sense to describe all the sounds that's stressing someone out on a busy street

I understand that the point of doing sensory descriptions even outside that context is to better immerse the reader in the story and the places within it, but I just.... don't care about that stuff lol. I rarely find it interesting as a reader and i don't like writing it. If that means I'm doing things "wrong" so be it. But if I don't care about it I'm sure I'm not alone in that lol

Anyway it's probably ultimately just one of those pieces of advice that get over generalised, like eg "show don't tell". And imo it's also one of those things that are aimed at producing a kind of fiction that suits certain contemporary tastes and standards rather than actually being any sort of universal

There is of course also something to be said for knowing the rules so you're able to break them, but idk that all the writing I might have done as a teen if I'd worried less about all the advice floating around wouldn't have made up for that

[hard-core-super-star]

deep blue, you painted me golden [H.Steinfeld]

pairing: hailee steinfeld x reader

summary: the ups and downs that come with secretly dating under the watchful eye of the media prove to be too much for you and hailee...so you decide to come up with a solution yourselves instead of giving in to the chaos.

warnings: an overwhelming amount of fluff; mentions of anxiety + panic attacks but nothing super detailed; protective hailee; petnames for days; secret relationship; rude paparazzi's and ruder interviewers

wordcount: 2.1k

a/n: this request was sent in via pm and it was an absolute delight to write. thank you everyone for the continued support and lovely requests. hope you enjoy <3

* * * * * * *

You’re not sure if you’re too optimistic or a complete fool but either way, you’ve found yourself in a situation you were promised wouldn’t end up in. If you were anyone else, you might be mad but you’re far too overwhelmed to think like that.

“y/n! Hailee! Over here!”

You flinch as another camera flash hinders your vision. Right now is not the best time to be thinking about anything except getting the hell away from everyone.

Everyone except the one person keeping you safe amidst the chaos.

“It’s alright, baby,” Hailee mumbles, no doubt picking up on your rising anxiety. “We’re almost there. Just hang on, okay?”

All you can do is nod in response as her grip on your waist tightens. She pulls you closer to her side, the subtle action filled with all the love and protection she always exudes so easily.

You’re not the only one who notices the affectionate gesture considering the amount of camera clicks that go off the next second. You’re more worried about finally reaching the safety of your home than the number of headlines those pictures will create.

The brunette leads you inside, doing her best not to lose her temper at the paparazzi yelling at you to smile. They’re just doing their job. A job she strictly told her team she didn’t want to be a part of.

You breathe out a sigh of relief once you’re back in the familiar walls of your apartment. It’s not until you move to take your jacket off that you notice how fast your heart is beating and how shaky your hands are. A second longer and you surely would have had an anxiety attack.

Hailee comes to the same conclusion as you once she reaches your side again. “I'm sorry,” she says while her hands find your waist again.

“It's not your fault,” you reply, not so subtly reaching up to wipe away the few tears that blur your vision.

Hailee’s frown deepens and she gently pulls your hand down before taking your face in her hands, her thumbs wiping away the wetness that starts to streak your cheeks. “I should've known they would call the paps on us. They always do this.”

“I get it, it’s your job.”

“My job and my life are two separate things, love. This shouldn’t have happened.”

“Lee, it’s fine.” You both know you’re lying but you’re far too tired to have this conversation all over again. The problem wasn’t whether to go public with your relationship or not, the problem was the number of people involved in the decision. A decision that ultimately wasn't yours to make.

“Okay,” she relents. “Let me make it up to you, though.”

She attempts to move away, probably to put on a movie so the two of you can cuddle up on the couch and forget all the unnecessarily complicated details that make up your relationship. You stop her before she can get too far, though, and instead pull her into the embrace you so desperately need.

Her chest rumbles with the affectionate chuckle she can’t hold back. Her arms go around your body in an instant as you rest your head against her shoulder. “I’ve got you, y/n. I promise.”

You don’t doubt her words for a second and yet you don’t understand the full extent of them until much later.

To no one’s surprise, the paparazzi pictures end up going viral leading to countless articles speculating what exactly you and Hailee are to each other. Neither of you cares much but of course, that doesn’t stop everyone who knows the truth about your relationship from freaking out.

You’re given the usual advice you’re used to hearing from both your friends and your girlfriend’s PR team. Advice that just boils down to people who have no business butting into your relationship telling you to break up or, at the very least, put some distance between you until everything cools down.

It’s not something either of you plan on doing but you agree to tone down your affectionate displays for a while. It hurts more than you’re willing to admit but you know Hailee’s not doing it to be malicious, she’s just trying to keep you safe from the constant criticism that looms over your head nowadays.

Criticism that doesn’t bother you…until it does.

Somehow, Hailee manages to convince you to join her for an interview a few weeks after the paparazzi incident. There’s no real reason for you to go with her other than she wants you there and well, how can you say no to her puppy dog eyes?

You’re sitting a few feet away from where your girlfriend and the interviewer are set up, your eyes focused on the brunette’s radiant beauty more than anything else.

“So, you’ve been pretty hush-hush about where the inspiration for these songs has come from,” the interviewer says.

Hailee chuckles, her eyes drifting toward you for a split second before she focuses again. “Yeah, well, being cryptic is part of my charm. Why spoil the fun, right?”

“The rumors don’t bother you?” The question seems simple enough but you know by now these situations are never what they seem.

“Which ones?” She jokes.

“The ones that say you wrote Coast after having a fun time with y/n down by the beach.”

The implications of the words and the tone aren’t lost on you and you suddenly regret agreeing to come along. There’s a high chance this section will be edited out of the interview clip but you still can’t believe she genuinely said that.

Hailee does a good job of not letting her anger show on her face but the way she’s gripping her chair gives her away. “Let’s leave y/n out of it. Rumors are just rumors but they’re still uncomfortable to listen to.”

“Right, right,” she says with a nod, acting like she’s going to change the subject. “But I mean, rumors are nothing compared to knowing you’re being used.”

The mask falls and even from this distance, you notice the way her eyes narrow and her jaw clenches. “Excuse me?”

“I don’t think someone like that is dating you just for fun. You’re not exactly being subtle and I’m sure all the attention must feel great.”

The words feel like a punch to the gut.

You’d been spending less time on social media to avoid reading all the theories about your relationship but this…this was insane. Did people really think you were with Hailee for the attention? Were you being made out to be a golddigger and nothing else despite how careful the two of you have been so far?

You tried to tell yourself over and over you didn’t care what anyone said yet your mind seemed to disagree with you. You couldn’t get a single rational thought into your brain.

Whatever Hailee replies to the interviewer doesn’t reach your ears.

Nothing seems to register until you feel her loving touch against your skin. “Come on, darling, let’s get out of here.”

She helps you onto your feet and you instantly lean into her, looking for something to ground you before you get lost in your overwhelmingly loud thoughts. Her arm goes around your waist to pull you close and you focus on the tiny circles her thumb draws against your side. No words are spoken as you start to make your way out of the building.

Even before you reach the doors you can hear the bustling of people gathered outside, no doubt waiting to catch a glimpse of Hailee. The noise makes you groan and your girlfriend is quick to ease your worries.

“It’ll be okay, y/n.” She presses her lips to your temple for a sweet kiss. “Don’t think about them, just focus on me. I’ve got you, remember?”

That night in your apartment seems like a lifetime ago but Hailee’s never broken a promise to you. And you don’t think she’s about to start right now.

“I know,” you reply in a quiet voice. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” You can hear the smile she’s wearing through her words.

She gives you a loving squeeze before resuming the journey away from all the prying eyes that watch you closely. It’s a struggle to get outside even with the security team that opens a path for the two of you.

Everywhere you look there’s a camera or someone demanding answers for questions you can’t even hear over all the noise. Hailee’s grip on you doesn’t waver for a second, her focus entirely on you and making sure you don’t fall prey to your growing anxiety.

You can hear her mumbling words of encouragement against the side of your head. You can’t make out what she’s saying but the soft tone of her voice is more than enough to keep you calm…or as calm as you can manage to be considering the situation.

It feels like hours pass before you finally catch sight of your car. Hailee hands her keys to one of her security guards once you reach the vehicle and she quickly helps you climb inside.

The second the car door is closed, you seek out the warm safety of her embrace. She knows exactly what you need and she guides your face into the crook of her neck. Her arms wrap around you as you cling to her shirt, ignoring the shouts and camera clicks that still fill your ears.

“It’s alright, you’re safe,” she mumbles, her hand running through your slightly disheveled hair. “Everything’s okay.”

You can’t bring yourself to reply just yet and Hailee doesn’t push you. A tense silence hangs over the both of you while the car begins to move. It lingers until you’re finally able to catch your breath and relax your shoulders.

“There we go,” your girlfriend says once she notices the change in your breathing. “Better?”

“Yeah,” you reply. “Thank you, babe.”

“That’s what I’m here for.”

You let out a soft hum before you ask the question that’s been on your mind this whole time. “Is that really what everyone thinks? That I’m using you?”

“y/n, it doesn’t matter what they think. We’re what matters.”

“It matters a little,” you mutter.

A beat of silence goes by until the brunette speaks up again. “Baby, can you look at me? Please?”

There’s no way you can deny her anything when she uses that tone on you.

You shift a little, making sure your body is still pressed tightly against hers, before lifting your head out of the safety of her neck. You look into her eyes, feeling vulnerable and safe at the same time.

“My love, is it the rumors that bother you or the fact that we have to hide?” She asks, her eyes shifting to find the answer in your features.

“I don’t know.” You hesitate for a second and then tell her the truth. “I get why we’re keeping everything a secret but…I don’t know, I just…I don’t want to hide how I feel for you. I don’t want to worry every time we step outside if we’re standing too close together or looking at each other too long. I just want to be with you…all the time. Does that make sense?”

The little grin on her face is enough of an answer but she goes the extra mile by leaning in and giving you a quick, reassuring kiss. The remaining tension leaves your shoulders the second her lips meet yours. You may have hundreds of ways of showing your support for one another but this one might be your favorite one.

She pulls away from you but rests her forehead against yours. The close proximity allows you to notice the specks of gold hidden in her warm brown eyes. “It makes perfect sense, baby. I want that too.”

“Are you sure?" You find yourself asking. "I know it’s a big step. And a risk.”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything.”

The car comes to a stop right after those loving words leave her lips. She gives you one more quick kiss before climbing out and leading you inside her home.

You’re greeted by Martini and Brando who distract both of you enough to leave your conversation on the backburner for now. It feels good to be able to relax and spend time together without anything getting in the way and you both take advantage of it.

You’re curled up in bed together when she asks a question that makes your heart stop in the best of ways. “What if we just…come out right now? We can post a picture of us and let everyone figure it out if they want to.“

The answer is as obvious as your love for her. "Okay…but I get to choose the picture."

She laughs, the sound reminding you of all the reasons why no one else compares to your girlfriend. "You've got yourself a deal, love."