#i think my mom or someone else started collecting something i dont remember what

[gothteddiesdotcom]

if there’s one thing I remember about the early 2000’s it’s that one girl and her mom going viral for the prom dress made out of starburst wrappers that her mother made and every single mom that year trying to convince their daughters to pick some sort of trash or wrapper for them to start collecting and turn into a dress so they too could get their 15 minutes of fame

[cherryonigiri]

S/O that thirsts over anime/game guys

reposted bc wasn’t showing up in the tags + I want to keep nsfw under the cut

@nononononojustno asked: Okay so could you write a headcanon where 2 random boys (can you pick then? I love all of boys from hq) and Ushi-kun where they walk on their gfs fangirling or thirsting over another anime/game character?And she was talking how hot he is? How they would react?👀😂 have a great day/night and dont forget to eat and get rest, love you💕

A/N: hahahahaha i laughed while writing this. FYI these are all based on legit crushes i had on anime/game characters at some point in my life - see if you’ve watched the shows i’ve watched :) ILY I PROMISE I’M DOING MY BEST TO EAT THREE MEALS A DAY AND GET ADEQUATE SLEEP MWAH. also i went overboard and added an extra boy bc why not. These are a little shorter since there were 4 characters but I hope you enjoy!

Content warning: implied nsfw for Atsumu + slight nsfw hcs for Matsukawa (both are under the cut)

PS: If anyone wants a spicy sequel/one shot for matsukawa i’m open to the idea 👀👀 let me know in my inbox!

Ushijima Wakatoshi

Ushijima definitely knows you’re into anime + games

Having visited your dorm room on multiple occasions he’s seen your extensive collection of manga, anime posters and you always seem to be playing on your switch whenever you have free time

Of course, he notices a significant portion of your collection is centered on male characters

And you’ve definitely mentioned a few games to him - Ikemen Sengoku, Code:Realize, Hakuouki (wow i’m really out here exposing myself) etc.

He doesn’t really mind though? Like - at the end of the day these are 2D men, whereas he is a very real boyfriend

At least he thinks he doesn’t mind

Recently, he notices that you seem to be on your phone a lot, and you seem to be texting the same group chat very often

He asks why and you laugh - it’s not actual text messages you’re just trying out a new otome/simulation game called Mystic Messenger. He finds the name silly but he just brushes it off he’s definitely J E A L O U S

Until one day he walks into your room while you’re calling one of your friends to freak out about that specific game

You sound kind of teary from outside the door “Oh MY GOD OH MY GOD I GOT THE GOOD ENDING WITH JUMIN!” and “[friend name] I THINK I CAN DIE HAPPY I’M MARRIED TO JUMIN HAN WHAT MORE DO I NEED IN LIFE” and “HE’S SO FREAKING ATTRACTIVE UGH I AM BLESSED”

He’s like who TF is Jumin and immediately bursts into your room looking pissed off

Poor babie is all like “you’re married?” and “if you had someone else you were interested in you should have told me.” “Who is this Jumin Han???” 🧐

Oh my god you start cackling, but you manage to tell him that NO you are not married and that Jumin Han is a fictional character from the game you’re playing

Ushijima looks confused after you explain - why would you find fictional men attractive when you’re already dating him?

Tendou almost dies laughing the next day when Ushijima tells him about what happened

Oikawa Tooru

Since practice finishes pretty late he usually goes to see you at your house at night, but tonight things wrapped up earlier - he’s excited to spend more time with you

You’ve finished up most of your homework so you’ve just been rewatching Attack on Titan since you’re super excited for the new season

You’re kinda distracted/have headphones on so you don’t hear your boyfriend knock on the front door. Your mom answers it and lets him in and he climbs the stairs

He can hear your fangirling (freaking out) over something as he walks towards your room

You jump in surprise when he opens the door, because you thought he would be a bit later but immediately release your pent up excitement

“Tooru just LOOK at him he’s such a bad ass like oh my gosh he literally has swords and he’s still running around slaying the MPs who have guns. God whenever he gets angry he looks so hot,” etc. etc.

You’re shoving your laptop in his face, showing him gifs and video of attack on titan, specifically the captain of the survey corps that you are obsessed with

Tooru gets it - for him its space, shitty alien films and astronomy. For you it’s video games and anime - or more specifically, handsome characters from said franchises

Even though he understand that it’s something you’re passionate about he still makes a whole show about whining how you’re in love with Levi Ackerman (lmao i still thirst over our favorite captain) instead of him

“y/n i’m taller than him! And more handsome! He has blood on him all the time! And he’s super annoying because he’s obsessed with cleaning.” *cue pouty Tooru*

You probably shouldn’t tell him that you are an avid follower of the levi x reader tag on tumblr

Tooru still somehow finds out you’re also reading reader insert fanfic and goes BERSERK with his pouting and whining - literally everyone and their mothers have heard his sob story about how “his darling y/n is leaving me for a short germaphobic asshole”

The rest of the team finds it hilarious - the end up pranking him by posting pictures of Levi in his school locker or texting them in the volleyball groupchat (Oikawa is Suffering™)

Makki and Mattsun get him a Levi keychain for his birthday and cackle when he chucks it violently into the nearest trash can

Miya Atsumu

Doesn’t really know you’re into anime/gaming at first

I don’t think that’s on purpose - Atsumu just has such a one track mind when it comes to volleyball and he’s always busy with practice

so he just kinda doesn’t really give all the anime merch in your room a second glance even though it’s a dead giveaway

I bet Atsumu secretly watches some superhero anime - probably shounen stuff like My Hero Academia, one punch man etc.

He probably starts to notice you’re into anime/games because you’ll play games on your phone/gaming device all the time

One day he notices you’re giggling + blushing while looking at your screen. He’s curious to he heads over to you when coach says they can have a break

Peeks over your shoulder because he wants to know what you’re playing - but instead he’s greeted by some 2D samurai guy called Harada Sanosuke asking you to marry him

“Huh, I didn’t know you were into this kinda stuff y/n” tries to sound playful but internally he is screaming / ?????? WOT I DIDN’T KNOW MY S/O WAS INTO OTOME GAMES

Atsumus pretty chill about it at first, he probably teases you a lot about playing the game but isn’t really bugged about it

“Maybe you should thirst over your boyfriend instead of a fictional character babe~”

I mean - he knows he’s attractive and why be jealous? You only really play the game when he’s busy and you don’t really let the game play seep into your dates/hangouts

But one time he walks in on you reading some ~spicy~ hakuouki x reader fanfic and he’s like are u serious

Like you were lowkey quiet screaming to yourself and muttering “omg omg omg” when he walked in and you definitely tried to close your laptop so he couldn’t see what was open in your browser

Too bad Atsumu has mad reflexes and manages to prevent you from making your computer go to sleep

Briefly skims whatever it was that you were reading and smirks at you

“Hey, if you really want something like this, why don’t you let your real boyfriend deliver” before kissing you

Matsukawa Issei

Look, Issei just wants a chill movie/tv show night where the two of you can bundle up on the couch and binge whatever anime you feel like

Has everything set up - this man is ready to go: snacks? he has all of your favorites, couch? filled with soft pillows + multiple pillows. Attire? Comfy sweatpants shirtless 🥵

Last time he chose the series for your binge sleepover so he let you choose what the two of you were gonna watch this time

Turns out you decided to watch Psycho-Pass - it seemed like a pretty cool show, he was down with the whole dystopia/psychological concept

Starts out pretty normal, is appreciating the action + mystery elements and is glad that you chose that show

About halfway through the anime you two decide to take a break - he goes to the kitchen to refill your snacks, leaving to stretch you back.

When he comes back with more food, he notices that you’re hunched over your phone, typing something

He sneaks up behind you after he puts the food down, “Whatcha reading there babe?” You squeak and try to hide your phone, but not before he sees the words kougami x reader typed into your tumblr search bar

Lit-rally exCuSE me what - he’s not mad (more amused than anything else) but he also kind wants to tease you (bc Mattsun is a little shit)

“Is that the reason you wanted to watch this show?” he asks playfully. “He’s pretty hot tho, I kinda agree with you there babe.”

Now that he’s released the floodgate, he can’t stop your occasional comments like “omg how does he look so GOOD when he’s punching someone” or “he could shoot me with his dominator and i’d still say thank you”

The thirst comments are kinda getting to him, so he decides to take things in a different direction

“Let me what I can show you with my dominator~” L M A O I’M SORRY THIS EXISTS

Suddenly you’re being pulled onto his lap, and pressed against his bare chest, Issei barely gives you time to adjust before he’s kissing you roughly, tongue plunging into your mouth

His hands wrap around your hips pressing your core closer to his own, and you can feel his hard-on pressing into your stomach

He’ll be sure to suck a dark hickey onto the side of your neck and his hands travel under your shirt, just to remind you who your real boyfriend is

Needless to say, you won’t remember a single thing about the second half of the show after the night is over couch sex? Couch sex 😏

[nolongerironicteenwrites]

three years pt 2

read it here or on my Ao3 https://archiveofourown.org/users/nolongerironicteen/works or read my other works too 

You put your car in park and sighed. Finally, you were home after longer than you wanted to admit. But you were happy nonetheless. Which meant you were finally going to address the elephant in the room with Neji. Instead of texting till three am you could finally discuss what you were. You looked at your parents' house in front of you as you got out of the car.

    “(Y/N)!” your mom called from the open kitchen window.

You smiled wide and you trekked up the driveway. The house was quiet save your mom’s washing in the kitchen. You found your way in there and gave her a huge hug.

    “Where’s dad?”

    “In the backyard, he’s doing some gardening and collecting the vegetables for me. You can go see.”

You figured unpacking your car can wait for later. You wanted to go see your dad. You kissed your mom on the cheek before going outside. You were thrown through a loop to not see your dad, but see your friends all there.

    “Welcome home!” they shouted.

You doubled back smiling before rushing to hug them all. You were overwhelmed. You might have only seen them like two weeks ago you were happy to be home. Even if it was only a little while.

    “We missed you.” Naruto laughed pulling you in for another hug.

    “We saw her like a week ago?” Sai replied, confused.

You ruffled Sai’s hair when a set of arms wrapped around your middle. You tensed up before smelling the familiar smell of cigarettes.

    “Traitor.”

    “For?” Shikamaru asked.

    “Dating my keyboard player. Smoking. Or where you spending time with Azuma seeing your godchild?”

    “The latter.”

You rolled your eyes and he let you go but not without rubbing his cheek to yours and pulling away. You huffed and backed away. You didn’t get far before bumping into something cold. A set of hands-on the back of your elbows.

    “You got a tattoo?”

Neji.

You spun around and checked out the inside of your elbow blushing.

    “I uh yeah. I have four actually.”

He looked impressed. Not deterred, he grabbed your arm and saw the grl pwr tattoo on the inside of your elbow. You and Temari have matching ones since you two were two women who basically front a band. You have three others. You have a paper airplane on the back of your shoulder, a galaxy piece on your side, and on your thigh, there was a storm cloud that under a UV or blacklight made the lighting bolt shine. Neji smiled at you. You heard someone gag behind you. You had the vaguest feeling it was Kiba. You turned around and pulled your eye and stuck your tongue at him. He hugged you and you laughed.

You spent the afternoon with your friends and parents until you were nearly falling asleep where you sat. You didn’t realize how tired you were until you let yourself relax against Neji. The night grew colder and the party moved inside. It quickly became a quiet night after that, movies and drinks and crashing on the couch. Well you crashed on the couch everyone else went home to Shikamaru’s to get their car or ride home. Neji once everyone was ready to go brought you to your bedroom and kissed you goodnight before leaving.

    “Are you going to ask her?” Lee asked.

    “Ask her what?” Sai asked guiding Ino to Shikamaru’s.

     “Ask (Y/N) out properly.”

Neji glared at Lee and pulled his jacket closed. He ignored the question which Shikamaru didn’t like. He imposed himself over Neji but Neji was just slightly, only slightly taller. Shikamaru crossed his arms and glared. Which in itself is nerve-inducing.

    “Well, Neji what are your plans with my best friend?”

    “If you must know, I like her. Clearly. So I wish to ask her out.”

    “Hurt her and your ass is mine.”

    “I don’t like you like that at all but I would never, I’m not Koma.”

Shikamaru gave one glare and then nodded. Neji waisted until he looked away to silently release his breath.

    “There’s your answer Lee. Be safe getting back you guys text the group when you all make it back home.” Shikamaru waved before going inside.

Neji gathered Hinata, Naruto, Lee, and TenTen and headed to everyone’s respective homes. He and Lee lived together, Hinata and Naruto lived together, and TenTen lived in the same building at Neji and Lee. Neji didn’t let anyone talk on the car ride back. He didn’t wish to speak about his love life with anyone anymore. Once in the comfort of his own apartment he let his hair down and groaned.

    “Neji- I’m sorry. You guys were just so cozy.”

    “Lee I’m not upset with you. I mean you were just speaking about what you saw.” Neji replied while pulling off his jacket. “She’s back for a year while some of her bandmates finish school. I have time but no time when I can’t even talk to her about my feelings!” Neji flopped onto the sofa neglecting to take off his shoes.

    “You could talk maybe Guy and Kakashi-sensei.” Lee sat by him.

Neji didn’t hate that idea. It would have been better than talking to his own father. Not that he didn’t want to, but he didn’t think his dad could help. His mom made the first move on his dad. But with Guy-sensei it was an accident with him and Kakashi but probably better advice than his father so maybe Lee was onto something there.

       menace to sobriety

the boulder

    Neji and I are home.

tippy

    As am I.

eyes

    Naruto and me too.

glasses

    Kiba is drunk on the floor of his house crying to Akimaru about the boy in facepaint?

fur culture

    traitor!

pencil ****

    Ino and Sakura are trying to dye their hair.

*eye roll*

    They’re getting along?

pencil ***

    sauske isn’t here to fight over. i'm on watch duty..

omnipotent friend

    dont let them make bad choices they’ll regret in like 5 minutes.

*eye roll*

     or you could.

omnipotent friend

    ill remove you

*eye roll*

    not ur chat

        fur culture changed the admin to omnipotent friend

*eye roll*

    im in danger

The chat died down after that and you fell back asleep. Neji laughed. This chat has bounced admin to admin and the nicknames change often enough to keep anyone entertained. Neji himself got ready for bed. Rock Lee stayed up a bit longer than him to do some work for his up-and-coming school week. He was student teaching this week.

The next morning everyone woke to a few changes in the group chat. You changed a few nicknames and the title

       the void calls me forth

gremlin

    (y/n)! how dare you call me a gremlin.

void keeper

    bc im not kiba and you will not bully me

pretty boy

    im pretty?

sai-duck

    i like this more.

fur culture

    I deserve this honestly. All though these were good changes. neji is pretty, sai clever pun and shikamaru deserved it. you should have been this admin from the start

whoji

    we told you that from the start, and two she came up with half the original nicknames

the boulder

    teenagers scare me.

You snorted and walked down the stairs. Kiba just accepted his fate. It was almost perfect. Your mom left you a note about her plans for the day. Your father was there for the day but he was engrossed in work. You ate something quickly and popped your head in to say hello to him. He waved at you and went about your day.

n. hyuuga

    Good morning. Can you meet me at The Blossom for coffee?

you

    sure. totally. see you in ten?

n. hyuuga

    Yes. Of course. Cannot wait.

You smiled to yourself walking down the stairs. Your mom was gone for the day. You could hear the television on. You popped your head in to see your dad watching a show about rocks. You smiled while he just read in his rocker the noise in the background. You leaned on the frame waiting for him to notice you. It takes him a moment before he looks up from his book and he smiles.

    “What’s up buttercup?”

    “I’m going to get coffee, do you need anything while I’m out?”

He shakes his head no.

    “Go have fun. I’ll see you later.”

You smiled and blew him a kiss. Walking into the kitchen you grabbed your jacket and purse off the coat rack. You slipped your phone into your jacket pocket and started on your walk. The great thing is The Blossom was a five-minute walk from your house. The walk, while short, gave you time to reflect. You thought about Neji. You probably always liked him, it went through phases where you liked him more than a friend, but then Koma happened. That six months of your life where Neji didn’t cross your mind. But now it all seems to be falling into place.

As you approached the cafe, Neji was already there. He looked beautifully aloof. You quietly walked up to him while he scrolled on his phone. His light skin contrasting against his dark hair and the bright red t-shirt and checkered pants to match. You honestly were a mixture of both impressed and intimidated by him. He always looked like he had his life together. You looked down at yourself and how you were dressed. You layered tights under overalls with a baggy sweater on top. You felt like you weren’t dressed well enough to compete with him. He looked up at you and smiled. He gently pulled you to him and kissed your forehead. You weren’t sure what you two were but you were content.

    “This is my treat, come on.”  He smiled opening the door for you, “I picked this place because no one would come here or neither do I think our friends care enough to find us. This place has chai lattes and oat milk which I know are your favorites.”

You smiled, cheeks becoming redder.

    “You remembered?”

    “Of course,” he responded. It’s because I love you. But he didn’t let her know that.

You held onto the crook of his elbow whilst he ordered. He ended up ordering for both of you while you had a small smile on your features. He ordered the chai latte for you and a simple London fog drink. You weren’t expecting that. As if he read your mind.

    “I had a small cup of coffee before I decided to ask you out. Do you want anything else?” he asked.

    “Do you want to split a coffee cake?”

Neji nodded. His eyes lit up like you hung the stars in the sky. You felt very on par with Neji, finally. You and he walked over to a table situated in the corner by the window. It was a kind of chilly morning for how early in September that it was. You rested your head on your hand looking between him and the window before you asked.

    “Don’t you work on Monday? Like a new startup position at a family-owned accounting firm?” You asked, smirking.

Neji smiled at your question crossing his legs and leaning over to rest his head on his hands, thinking for a moment to formulate an answer for you.

    “Yes but technically no. My days got changed because I’m going back to school for my masters so my uncle has me working sparingly.”

    “Your masters? That’s great!” you smiled excitedly.

He looked very bemusingly at you. He offered a hand to you to hold across the table. The two of you shared the cake and drinks in silence. No need to talk currently. The two of you spoke sparingly and worked on individual projects. You worked on songs and he worked on some classwork.

    “Neji. What are we?” you asked.

The keyboard clicking stopped. You felt your body tense. Had you pushed a boundary? He was hesitating and you were getting progressively more anxious. He started wringing his hands, but you quietly waited for him to answer you. Seconds felt like hours to you waiting.

    “I-I knew this was coming but I-” He sighed softly, “I was just trying to feel out how you felt before I spoke to you about me.” Neji explained, “(Y/N) I have liked you probably since I was fifteen. But our lives never seemed to line up. Call it destiny if you will always seem to escape me. I dated, you dated. I got scared of my feelings for you but not anymore I can’t. I don’t want to. I- I want to take care of you, and be with you and support you.” He ended up just muttering to himself.

Your heart clenched watching him. You smiled that he was being honest with you. Even though he was avoiding your eye contact. You reached out to grab his hand to get his attention. He slowly let you coax his hand into yours while you figured out how to respond.

    “Thank you, Neji for being honest with me. I know how you feel. You bore your feelings to me for how you feel. I accept your feelings.” you replied, smiling. “And I- I would love nothing more than this to work out. It would need work. Between music and you being in school again it won’t be easy, and I’m sorry for that. I wish I can be more for you.”

    “You’re perfect enough.” He brought your hand to his lips to kiss. “You are worth the work.”

Kiba was passing by when he stopped and did a double-take. He was convinced that he saw you and Neji but he wasn’t sure.

       the void calls me forth

fur culture

    r (y/n) and neji on a date?

ino-yeet-chi

    why would that be ur concern if they were kiba?

fur culture

    b/c im not being left out of this revelation once it happens like i was when lee came out. also i see them..

Kiba was squinting at the frosted glass window. Neither you nor Neji knew what was going on in that chat; both of you had your phones picked up. Kiba needed to know so he quietly snuck into the cafe and to a booth on the other side of the store from you two. Not that you would have noticed, either way, you and Neji were in your own little world. It looked like a date to Kiba.

       the void calls me forth

ino-yeet-chi

    KIBA NO. LEAVE THEM ALONE. SHINO GET YOUR BOY

        glasses has left the chat

Neji laughed to himself at something you said. He then leaned in to grasp your chin to press a soft kiss to your mouth. Not wanting to push you. Kiba could hardly believe it. He got up and slipped into the bathroom.

       the void calls me forth

fur culture

    Holy- DUDE

You felt your phone vibrate and Neji felt his too. You both grabbed your phones and checked the messages. His eyes shot up and scanned for Kiba keenly aware. You were confused. You also looked over the messages and glared.

    “He’s here somewhere.” you groaned.

Neji pinched the bridge of his nose and looked at you almost apologetically.

    “I’m sorry.”

You shook your head. You grabbed his back and yours and pulled him from the cafe.

    “Don’t be sorry. I know where we can go where no one will find us.”

You and Neji dipped through the streets. He allowed himself to be pulled by you while you brought him to a home. He didn’t recognize this house. You explained it was your grandfather’s home, but he wasn’t home. You had a treehouse in the backyard that you wanted to show him. He was surprised to see this.

    “Whoa.”

    “I know.”

You climbed up the rope ladder and Neji followed closely as you went up. Inside the treehouse, it looked older but sometimes you still come up to be alone or to play music. Neji stood hunched because it was made for you who had never been very tall. He looked around and smiled.

    “Finally.” he groaned.

He grabbed your face softly and kissed you properly. You gasped quietly and he kept one hand on your face and the other on your waist to make sure this was real. You both needed air eventually and he actually started to giggle. You laughed and the two of you spent the afternoon in the early fall air laughing, stealing kisses, and being in each other's presence.

[smallestclowninthecircus]

Tma season 2 notes baybeee

I made myself take several breaks so I could give my frie d who is listening to it at the same time as me a chance to catch up. Honestly just posting them so I have them saved somewhere but whatever.

ep 41: real graham wrote keep watching before he was replaced. Jon feels like he's being watched. But they werent replaced by things related to the eye. It's the web that's on the box that replaces them. Endless hallways and doors to nowhere. I bet nicholas will have ideas what entity this relates to. If it even does. They're like the tunnels in the one with the builder guy. Tunnels closing in etc. Also like the cave diving one. He's assuming it's just one

ep 42: so 100 gecs? (IM SORRY I LIKE 100 GECS BUT LMAO) so there's some entity related to music right? There's the piper episode and the 27 w/ the calliope. Ah yes, this season is gonna be the season of Paranoid!Jon

ep 43: section 31? fucking books. god no. smashed lights? cult lady did that. covered the lights too. she mentioned a spooky clown doll. thats not random.

ep 44: is this that same circus that got mentioned before? it is! the pipe organ! pop off organ! pipe off! mouth on the stomach! yes! mouths in unusual places my beloved!

ep 45: antiques! like that one ep!

ep 46: every time books get mentioned i sigh. hhh sus smells. it got brighter. I get the vibes occasionally that the dark and the eye are sorta at odds with eachother. GRRR BARK BARK LEITNER. ayyy ex altiora. entity go brr. which entity do we thing it is? my guess is The Dark. The book buyer's name is Mike. He has scars? Electricity? The childhood friend of the guy who got it later on perhaps? The Vast? its formatted like an entity idk. This happened before the other one. He got trapped in the wood carving. a win for the web lol spiders go brr

ep 47: did i hear spiral? ITS THE NOT THING FROM THE EPISODE WITH NOT GRAHAM "it didnt move, it shifted" is like the exact same sentence as before. ay john's starting to remember. the laughing woah thats weird. is "michael" one of the entities? "you make it seem like theres a war" supports my theory that theres a struggle between a couple of the entities. I said i thought it was the eye and the dark i believe but im not sure. its whatever entity michael is vs the worms? what did nicholas say the worms were again? The Corruption? still dont know which one michael is tho.

Had to take a break after that episode. smth about the quality of michael's voice makes me feel like im gonna slip into one of those states where it feels like nothing is real, so i got a nice cold glass of water.

ep 48: jesus ok this one's kidna corny. you're telling me love made the crowd go away come on now. Ur losing it big J. also shouldnt it be more sus that "sasha" is so unaffected by the worm incident/ finding of gertrude's body

ep 49: haven't we heard hector's name before? oh is he the crime guy? fucking jared... so it's a throat? chompa chompa. (it's just a little bit hot) the good part about these episodes is that we know whoever's telling the story isn't gonna die. even if it's a close call, they're not dead. hotworth? ok not jared keay. it bothers me how theres so many repeated names, can they not come up with other names? "sasha"'s computer is breaking... sus. Elias our favorite weed man! jon ur so paranoid lmao

ep 50: robert smirk, at it again. this is like that one episode with the old dude who locked his door. who said idle beforehand? was it smirk? fingertips. thats so weird lmao. bahahah tim

ep 51: simon fairchild. im sure jon will mention the name at the end i cant remember where we've heard it. this is just like the cavediving episode. a hand? there was a hand in the last one right? the scalpel! and an eye thing. she's trying to throw them off.

ep 52: thats the guy from before! with the hearts! god i hate this guy writing the statement hh. lights blowing, and brackish water. we know how this ends but its still tense. rainer? reigner? rain man. we've seen him before

ep 53: pls not a leitner. oh boy mans scratched out his eyes. rip skelly. why would gertrude have had this statement off the books? jon stabbed himself?? bruh im? big man are you okay

ep 54: cockney boys! ayy its our favorite delivery men. she cut out their eyes. she knew that the eye was a thing?

ep 55: oily residue like the retirement home!

ep 56: worms? no. spiders?? bruhh. aaah yelling :(( aww martin anyways yeah i called it about paranoid!jon he needs to take a nap and drink some hot chocolate and calm down for once please

ep 57: just remembered, i think theres an entity called The Lonely?? This feels pretty lonely idk. fairchild, lukas/ lucas, some spooky place in norway idk. "sasha" knew he was recordinig hmm suspicious cmon jon figure it out. Sasha and tom. hm sus. for records sake i feel liek i should note here that I did have it spoiled to me simply that that's not sasha, but thats really all. i assumed it was like the thing that happened to graham in S1

ep 58: i feel like i recognize the name eustice (?) wick. someone please tell me im not just watching jon's descent into madness over the course of this podcast. im hoping it isnt so but, (and pardon the dsmp reference) im getting real wilbur vibes from this one.

ep 59: oh dear ok account from the fielding house. swirling designs? Spiral time? oh boyy. oh wait! 6 inch hole in the middle! is it not a spiderweb type design on the table? thats what i had assumed but that description sounds more like a spiral thing. cobwebs is a Web thing. ayy nicholas was right! the box goes in the table! the place that she kissed him was burning. Raymond is an avatar of The Web and agnes is the burning one. Lightless Flame! Why did she save him? i guess she was against this guy eating ppl or wtvr but why was she at the halfway house then? I think she's like michael.

ep 60: the eye go brr

ep 61: breacon and hope once again. tom. sasha's boyfriend. vampires sleep in coffins. the guy just walking in seems similar to the mind control of the vampires

ep 62: bones! its that one leitner. is this mother keay? the mom of gerard? this is what happened to her right? her skin was found on hooks? oh yeah thats what i thought the pages are made of skin. yeesh. The End!! sounds like an entity. phrased like one, and i think i remember it. are the people trapped in the pages? or... kept?

ep 63: eaten by the darkness! cavediving episode! (just like eaten by the sky) did my brain make up one called The Vast? it feels like it should be one, and all these episodes have some similar description about their feelings when they do whatever chosen hobby they have. ok now this one kinda feels like the dark. lights going out and all that. ok so not really a The Vast thing, its more of a Dark thing. feckin smirk gah.

ep 64: dice! the death guy! the death game thing! the person tricked somebody else into becoming death and then they were immortal? but if the egyptians wanted to kill him or punish him or whatever couldnt they just kill him? it worked in the end when he had the person giving the statement stab him, that did the job and actually killed him

ep 65: finally jon is actually acknowledging something is wrong.

So we know Mary Keay was revived most likely with the book by gerard.

Gertrude was way more aware of the entities than Jon. mary keay referenced The End openly and she cut the eyes out of her magazines and all that which makes me think she was aware of The Eye

ep 66: please not buried alive pleeaase not buried alive. lukas of the tundra? didnt we hear the name lukas before? she wanted it to be difficult to find important files because that way bad people couldnt find them?

ep 67: agnes... the girl in the hilltop house? agnes poppin off!! he's really not gonna question how she knew where he lived?? oh no D: the tree. were they the ones working on the house? aww they kissi- OH DEAR. why did she kiss him? it seemed like she cared about him? also she could kiss that other dude on the cheek and he was fine, but maybe it was cuz she was younger? lightless flame go brrrrr.

ep 68: oh god books. yup its bitchboy leitner. mans said "this seems supernatural, its a werd book!" bruuh.

ep 69: heh nice. aw cmon jon listen to martin. gahhh spiders. is that the class we heard about in the other doctor one with the teeth apple? some kind of psych class? oh dear. fucking spiders. aaaah. web do be goin brr. it's like the girl in the homeless shelter! who made the guy leave and she took his bed.

ep 70: is this gonna be the book that mary keay had? Most likely a leitner no matter what. Oh boy latin. Why did it start in latin then become old English? I'm guessing people put them in the book? He cant burn it. Phrophecies go brr. He says eh it's a decade in the future it's fine. Its gonna have changed. Ayy called it. Just accept it, it's a magic book. His death is getting closer. Leitner didnt make them but just collected them? Gertrude burned the book! She burned them down there so no one would know.

ep 71: oh boy tunnels. Our favorite thing /s. is The Buried a thing? Idk this seems pretty buried. Oh dear he's trapped here isnt he. "Not enough space to move, never enough to breathe" is that from the computer episode? With the guy who uploaded his consciousness? Somebody living down there. Hmmmm. Guesses: tom, sasha's boyfriend. Gertrude herself? (Though I doubt it)

ep 72: sweeney todd moment. Meat. The slaughter? Idk we'll see what the supernatural part is. Meat is meat. Similar to the slaughterhouse episode. Is it fucking Jared I swear to God it better not be. Hooligan teenagers, you know how it is. Meat is me lmao. Is the kid gonna be in the freezer. Ok that's good. OWW. Oddly textured candles. Made from people? Human fat or smth? Tom from the meat processing plant!

ep 73: outer bay shipping. Bet it's a subset of breacon and hope delivery. The Dark go brrr. Uh oh mans is gonna die. Leo or whatever. Cult ppl go brr. The people's church of the divine host. Who is the divine host? Is it reigner or whatever his name is? I dont think Jon can quit tbh. Probably an anonymous tip but from who?? One of the entities?

ep 74: fucking teeth hhh. I dont know which entity is related to teeth. Spiral. Isnt the spiral an entity. It feels like it could be related to many things idk. Yeah this sounds like the spiral. Heart attack at 29? Jesus... michael! That's kinda what I was thinking. Sasha goin in the tunnels. Hmm sus. They move the floor. Wack. Bet its tom.

ep 75: Man with a lightning scar. Has one of the leitner books. The childhood friend of the one who first introduced us to leitner. Oh my god that sounds terrifying. Michael crew.

ep 76: scalpel? Hmm spooky. NotSasha... think jon think.

ep 77: another double! NotThem, The Stranger. Not related to the table?

ep 78: what was that at the beginning? Question mark?? Oh boy more NotThem. Decker... what is the deal with the table. Does it contain the creature? Fucking Michael. Bitchboi himself.

ep 79: yes pop off martin. Ugh fucking Michael just leave man. I hate that dude. New person. Hmm. No idea who it is.

ep 80: shitener himself! Ok sir tell us the entities. Ayy The Spiral. Ok we know what that one is. The Eye is the beholding! Oooh. The Stranger. Did elias just kill leitner? Popping off honestly.

[crimeronan]

ik youre not a therapist and i dont want like therapy or anything but im 17 and ive known i was bipolar for 3 years now and i dont know how im supposed to live the rest of my life like this. im so fucking tired. how do you stay alive

you sent this a couple days ago & i’m posting at a weird time so i’m not sure if you’ll see it but.  

i’ve been looking at this message trying to decide how to respond

because i don’t know your situation, your symptoms, how you’re feeling, whether you’ve had positive or negative experiences with medication, psychiatrists, therapists, hospitals, all that related shit

the bipolar life advice i give to people is vastly different depending on the individual. it’s not a one size fits all thing.  and there’s never even a guarantee that my advice will be the right choice

so since i don’t know about your situation or experiences or what you want, i’m not gonna tell you what to do.  i’m gonna focus on the “how do you stay alive” question and try to pen down some personal feelings. and if they help then great, and if they don’t then... this is the most honest i can be

(you can always ask another question to get a better answer. my inbox is a coin slot and i am a vending machine of varied-degrees-of-helpfulness replies offered at varied-inconvenient-too-long-intervals)

-

how do i stay alive

it’s a 2-parter, actually.  i pondered how to condense my thoughts/feelings, and it came down to these two things

1. love 2. spite

-

1. love

the spite is easier to write about than the love.  love is hard to reach when i feel like shit.

spite is where i go when i want to die.  love is where i go when i want to want to live.

maybe i don’t want to be alive.  but maybe i wish i did.  spite doesn’t help me much there.  spite keeps me afloat, but it doesn’t make the floating pleasurable.  there’s more to life than outlasting everything that ever hurt me.  i need a reason to continue when there’s no enemy to fight

so. love

i almost wrote about the spite alone because that’s rawer, realer, more visceral.  that’s the shit that CONNECTS when everything feels hopeless.  but it would be a lie of omission.  spite is only one of the major food groups, you’ll waste away from malnutrition if you eat it for every meal. or at least, i will.

“so you’ve got a bunch of people you love,” you say, “and you stick around for them.  cry on them.  support each other.  like each other.  fine.”  you’ve heard this story before

nah.

i mean - yes.  i have people i love.  i live with two partners, i’ve got a third girlfriend, i’ve got a long-distance platonic life partner.  i have a support net, i have a family i’ve forged, i have confidence that i’m not alone.  i have, in a bare-bones checklist sort of way, fulfilled my physiological human need for connection

but i could live without every single one of them.  i’m not dependent upon any of them for my survival.  i’m not dependent upon them for love, given or received.  (this isn’t a callous cruelty, it won’t hurt them if/when they read this.  i’ve told them all this, they know.  they’re glad of it.)

so.  what the fuck does “love” mean, then?

the short explanation is that it’s my love of life, of things in the world.  it’s all the little connections i’ve made.  every time i love something, a hook tethers to the universe.  hook enough tethers, and i no longer feel the need to float away.  no dissolution of self today, sir

the rest of this section is some of the things i love. partially it’s to show how i connect to little things and ascribe magic to the mundane.  partially it’s because i like thinking about things i love, i like typing them out, and i like that i could keep going for thousands and thousands of words.

i am laying in bed at 7:30 AM with the lights off and the shades drawn.  blue  light comes through the slats because it’s the better time of year, the one where i finally get vitamin D, the one where the birds chirp at 4AM, the one where the sky isn’t impenetrably black til 10PM.

there’s a weighted blanket tucked around my legs.  my partner rafi bought it for us to share because it’s soothing and heavy and comforting and helps with my physical pain.  right now it’s soft on my skin and if i get too emotional as i write, i can pull it over me like a cloak until i’m settled.

the apartment’s walls are blank because we’ve spent eight months intending to put art up and keep forgetting.  but there’s a newly-unearthed dining area in the kitchen because i finally shifted around the unpacked boxes that were dominating the space.  it’s new and it surprises me every time i walk out there.  it’s open and inviting and bright and it’s a sign that we’re making this place home.

we’ll put a cheap IKEA table by the window and we’ll probably never eat family dinners there - why would we sit in hard chairs and make stiff conversation when we could all cuddle on the couch - but my partner dev will create a place to do their art and the surface will be constantly littered with drying watercolor experiments.

we’ll hang our art one of these days, too, when our collective adhd offers a miraculous combo of remembering + having time + having motivation + having inspiration.  rafi has the most art because they’ve been collecting it for years.  i have to start smaller.  i’m not used to keeping physical objects.  dev has a few pieces thrifted or bought at local artist events or painted themselves

so we’ll put art up in the living room, my single “you are magic” flower print alongside a naked monster lady that dev fell in love with when we browsed art at a yuletide event months ago, alongside rafi’s monster girls and comic characters and book characters and literature art and quotes and abstract pieces and whatever else they have hiding in boxes.

my head protests that naked monster ladies do not belong in the living room, although the picture isn’t overtly sexual.  but then i remember that they do, actually, because it’s our space and we can do whatever we want with it as long as the lease isn’t broken.  there isn’t anyone in the local social circles who’d be perturbed by the decor, as far as i know.  i don’t have to hide anything from my parents because i live 3600 miles from them, and even though i miss my mom, the distance is good for me

there are two exquisite chairs on the porch.  they fold and recline from thrones to nearly-horizontal beds.  there are pillows and cupholders and trays and specific spaces for both a book and a phone.  i can sit there while the morning sun rises and read or play word games or browse tumblr, cup of coffee beside me, trees shielding my eyes from stabby sunbeams

there are remnants of the last tenant’s garden in one corner of the yard.  we’ve done fuckall for yardwork but plants struggle through anyway.  some seem to have sprouted by accident.  mushroom clusters populate the edges of the fence.  the apartment squirrel (there are probably several, but i like to think it’s a single energetic creature) runs back and forth along the fence & i always lose my train of thought & then laugh my ASS off at the “SQUIRREL! XD” adhd moment.  birds kick up leaf litter and play on the ground looking for insects to eat, they wiggle their tail feathers and flap their wings and sometimes they disappear and then return with friends

a little more than eleven months ago, i packed all of dev’s and my shit into a uhaul and drove and drove and drove to get to this city i’d never been in before to live with a partner i’d never cohabitated with.  we were homeless for more than a month, we weathered some financial disasters, we met some great people and some shitty ones

on the drive i fell in love with the sky.  i didn’t know how big it can get - actually, that’s a lie.  i’d FORGOTTEN how big it can get.  i’ve loved the sky thirty miles out to sea, no land in sight in any direction, just blue water and blue space above.  i’ve loved the vastness and the yawning beneath me and the knowledge that everything is BIGGER than i can fathom.  the depth of the sea doesn’t frighten me, it’s home. i don’t want to die, but if i had to, the ocean makes a soothing grave

in north dakota i discovered that i’ve been partially blind my whole life, which is a different tale that showed me i’ll never stop learning myself.  in montana we struggled up thousands of feet of mountains with the car huffing and puffing at the trailer’s weight, and when we finally coasted downward, it felt like sudden freefall.  we ended up in the pitch darkness of night on sheer winding interstates with midnight construction projects forcing detours.  the mountains felt hungry, they had teeth.  mountain cliffs are much scarier to me than the ocean depths

i bought a red bull and poured a little out the driver’s side door as an offering to hermes, because i’m not particularly religious but i’ll take help where i can get it.  slammed that back in a few gulps and shook to bright-eyed alertness and ended up behind a slow-driving red pickup truck that guided us over about a hundred miles of mountain terrain

i thought, that’s just some construction worker driving between sites.  the roads are empty at this time of night, but it’s an interstate.  of course we’d end up behind someone.  this isn’t divine intervention.  this isn’t the benevolence of a god

i thought, but it can be a little magic.  if i want it to be.  

and it was.  it stays with me.

god help me but i’ve been writing this stream of consciousness for more than 30 minutes and i’ve said nothing.  i haven’t talked about the city, the parks, the people, the conversations, the books, the tv shows, the movies, the communities, the library, the animals, writing, reading, singing, acting, swimming, analyzing, creating, supporting, building.  and i can keep going.  i can come up with hundreds and hundreds of things i love and i can write paragraphs about all of them

so i’ll stop here.  you get the picture.  love is the life i’ve made for myself, the surroundings i’ve built, the quiet moments i can capture, the inspiration i pin, the magic i commit to memory.

i had to work so damn hard for every single bit of this.

i’ll be fucking damned if i let it go because my brain tried to trick me into thinking death is better.

-

2. spite

there are people who want me to die.

i don’t mean that i have a giant entourage of personalized enemies who curse my name and plan my individual demise.  although there have been plenty of people who have not liked me much.  probably some of them would enjoy my death.  i don’t give a shit about that

there are people who want me dead because i am a dot on a grid they dislike.  a faceless anonymous enemy who meets too many bad criteria with numbers and percentages and shrinking majorities and shifting public opinion

because i’m gay.  because i’m bipolar.  because i’m autistic.  because i’m a dropout.  because i grew up poor.  because my spine curves and my shoulders ache.  because i squandered my potential, because i didn’t have enough potential, because i didn’t love god enough, because i love the wrong gods, because i don’t worship, because i worship wrong, because i didn’t seek a husband, because i never wanted one, because i talk too much, because i can’t be controlled, because i chose to leave the fold when i realized it was suffocating me, because i’m ugly, because i’m gorgeous, because my body belongs to me

pick your poison.

this bothered me growing up, a lot. i knew i did not deserve to die. but if enough people tell you that you should, a little part of you will wonder if they’re right.  that little part might become bigger the closer they get and the louder they shout and the longer they wear you down

we know the rough shape of this story, i don’t need to tell it.  mine was messy and not triumphant and i survived more by chance than premeditation.

i’m older now.  by and large i’m still young as shit - i’m 24 - but GOD i am LEAGUES away from 15, 16, 17. i know who i am. i know what i want. i know how to get it. and when i don’t know that, i find out. i tell the truth.  i ask for what i want.  i use my time how i want.  i do what i want.

there are days that i can’t access the “love” side of the equation.  no finding poetry in birdsong or sugared coffee for me, thank you, i feel like shit and the world is awful and everything is too big and fast and cruel and everything wants me to die and it wants everything i love to die, too.  everyone i love.  it’s all garbage. the good doesn’t touch me

trauma is difficult to describe.  the difficulty is compounded by the fact that my trauma is influenced by my various neurodivergences, bipolar included.  i never know if i’m feeling what other people do.  i don’t know if i’m voicing unpalatable feelings others are afraid to express - or if i’m just othering myself, admitting i’m not as human as everyone else.

there is something malevolent and monstrous inside me.  i don’t touch it all the time.  but i don’t pretend it isn’t there.  it sits in my chest and molders or radiates or oozes.  it presses at my throat.  it curdles in my stomach.  it hurts what it touches, whether that’s me or someone i love or someone i hate.  it sets things aflame with no regard for the precious or the fragile.  it tears down walls and razes shelters and begs for apocalyptic rain.

i can give this thing names, clinical descriptors.  i know what it is on a diagnostic chart, in a ponderous article, in an academic debate, in a fiction novel, in a war movie, in a memoir.  there are a thousand ways to describe this thing.  the descriptors aren’t important.  what is important is this - i have learned that most people do not walk side-by-side with a tornado-hurricane-hellfire-weaponized-open-nuclear-reactor.  this is not a “normal” expression of human emotion, this is not me trying to ascribe power to “bad bipolar feelings.”  this thing lives in me and i know why it’s there and it is not designed to be held/silenced/muzzled/controlled by my body.

it does not help to pretend this thing does not exist.  it does not help to try to reason it away or ignore it or tell it to stop.  it wants what it wants, it does what it does.  possibly if i was better at therapy or stubbornness then i wouldn’t resign myself to that

but it is fucking EXHAUSTING to try to fight something that’s part of me.  to try to reshape it, rename it, pare it down, make it consumable for the masses.  it’s a war i have never won and it’s a war that i will lose if i keep fighting it.  i cannot fight with myself.  i cannot beat my monster into submission.  if we’re gonna battle like that, head to head, me trying to cut it down, me trying to be the hero, it rearing back like a fire-breathing dragon,

then it’s stronger.  it’s always stronger.

so i surrender.

but that’s not where i stop.

can’t fight it.  can’t kill it.  can’t muzzle it.  can’t reshape it, can’t disarm it, can’t contain it.  

alright.  

so what now.

if the surrender was a full giving-up, this is where i’d passively accept that i’m doomed to hurt and destroy everything precious to me.  can’t fix it.  will lose everything, will never experience or deserve happiness, will make the world worse simply by existing.

that sure does sound like impending-doom rhetoric.  hop skip and a jump from some dire-ass conclusions.  

so fuck that, i say. 

here’s a better question.

if it has to get out, then what happens if i control where it goes?

here’s the thing.

the monster doesn’t care what it kills or destroys or hurts.  

“have a conscience, care about things, remember love, stop yourself, don’t do this don’t do this don’t do this.” 

 losing battle.  lost war.

 it’s not the monster’s fault.  the monster doesn’t have complex motivations or hates or fears.  it exists to protect me through scorched earth.  a remnant of a chemical imbalance, maladaptive coping mechanism, bipolar crazy, traumatized injury.  it doesn’t know that its job is obsolete.

i can’t change the monster.

but my mind is a separate thing.  my mind knows what matters, what my priorities are, what i find precious, what i want to protect.  my mind remembers all the things the monster doesn’t.  

my mind has learned things the monster can’t.

when i fight it head-on, the malevolence is stronger than me.  but as i am, walking with it, sitting in my bed writing this while examining the void and the consciousness, describing it, quantifying it,

that’s when i’m stronger.

and with my mind as the stronger force, i can decide where the monster goes.  what it touches.  what it destroys.  what it burns.  where the ashes land.

i do not want to be a destructive person.  i want to be someone who builds, repairs, changes.  i want to make the world better for kids like me.  i want to stop pouring more gasoline onto a fire that’s been burning since long before i was born.  i want to believe - i do believe - that positive change is better than negative.  i do my best to plant good things and enact that positive change instead of becoming a beacon of wrath.

but there are a lot of kids surrounded by people who want them to die, and not all of them have a protective monster.

so it’s good.

when i’m depressed, my mind loses its battles.  my cognizance slips.  i forget why i care.  i forget what i want.  i forget how happiness feels, how to find pleasure in quiet moments.  

i don’t get depressed as often as i used to since my meds are adjusted correctly now.  but it still happens.  it will keep happening for the rest of my life.

my mind weakens and curls up and stops fighting, and the monster is always there.

it’s a very powerful thing when it wants to be.

it wants to survive.

the thing is, it knows there are people that want me/us/whatever dead.  it’s been fighting them forever.  die like they want?  my mind says, sure, what does it matter.

the monster says, nah.  our work isn’t done.  and fuck them, anyway.

so we get up.

-

so that’s how i stay alive.

i typed this for 90 minutes and after editing i’d spent two hours on this post.  i don’t know if anyone will read it all.  i don’t know if it’ll mean anything.  i don’t know if these thoughts even make sense, much less if i’ve conveyed the feelings i have.

i love being alive.  and when i don’t, i love being a monster.  it’s good.  all of it is good.  i’ve reconciled my uglier pieces.  it’s not one or the other, love or spite.  it’s symbiosis.  i need both, i love both.

no guarantees that this is helpful, but based purely on my own life experience, these are my tips for survival:

you’ll have to find your own roots.  i can’t give them to you.  

but it’s possible to dig them in and spread them far enough that one uprooted peg doesn’t shift your whole equilibrium.  

and when you’re tired, rest, and let yourself be tired, and find the reason why you’re staying in the world. 

 i’m positive there’s at least one.

figure out why you’re losing your battles and then change the game.

if you can’t win one setup, don’t try to beat the system.  adjust your strategy.

you’ll be surprised by what you can love when you stop fighting the disparate pieces of you, and instead figure out how to use them.

[twoidiotwriters1]

Pure Blood 9 (Sirius Black x F!Oc)

A/n: Maybe the longest chapter I've written ... for now. 

Words: 3,298

Masterlist

Chapter 8  // Chapter 10

Chapter 9: Lies

"Jenna, please wait," I say, taking her arm. She stops and turns to me.

"What do you want?"

"Sorry, seriously, forgive me for being so abrupt with you the other day, it was not my intention,” She raises an eyebrow waiting for more. I sigh, "Sorry for being a bad friend.”

I pout and try with my best puppy eyes.

“You'll tell me what happened with Lupin?"

Oh, that.

"It's no big deal on its own…" I bite my lip. "He agreed with Evans to be the best in every class, a stupid plan to make me fail my classes. I found out and talked to Slughorn."

She looks at me in confusion and analyzes my pathetic excuse, but seems satisfied.

"Idiots, nobody can compete with the Slytherin princess,” I smile and she imitates me. That was close.

"That's me. We’re fine, then?"

"We are," She locks her arm with mine, "Let's go to Hogsmeade"

“Wait, you’re not going with someone else? It seemed like you had a plan-” I suddenly realize what’s going on, “You knew I was going to beg your forgiveness, right?"

She lets out a laugh.

"I know you very well P," I should have guessed.

We both walked to the carriages and arrived in Hogsmeade in no time. At this time, it was already starting to get cold, it wouldn’t be long before it began to snow. Hogwarts is beautiful when it’s covered in white.

I’m wearing my usual jeans, boots, light sweater and a small scarf, while full Jenn wore boots, gray socks, a pink skirt and a cream sweater. Her blond hair is in a cute ponytail, several boys sent flirtatious smiles and she ignores them all the same.

“D'you know what would be great?"

"Eat?" I answer when I feel my stomach roar. She laughs.

“Yeah, but just before you came to your knees to apologize,” I growl. “A senior boy invited me out. I said no because I didn't feel like it. I want to start studying, I have a herbology test soon.”

"And?" She sighs.

“It's something I had to tell you before but I was angry. The thing is, I don't see anything fun in dating guys anymore”

“Maybe you’ll find someone during our vacations”

"I wish- ah, yes!" She says, shaking me, "I talked to Regulus the other day, will you stop ignoring the poor puppy?"

“Don't call him that, and yes. We're fine, I'll talk to him later,” We arrive at the three broomsticks and sit at a table near a window. A waiter took our order and left.

Jenna updated me with all the gossip at school after being a couple of days apart. When did so many things happen? I have no idea. I’d never been aware of anything, Jenna and Regulus took care of that, even if I didn't ask for it.

"Evans rejected Potter again, but this time he made a whole scene, some say he took all that out of a muggle book, Juliet and-"

"Romeo and Juliet- Shakespeare,” I interrupt her and she seems surprised.

"How do you know that?" I feel my cheeks burn and I shrink in my place.

"I heard it once,” Vile lie, the other night Remus and I talked about the popular Muggles books. He told me the plot and read some lines.

"Anyway, the plan did not work and Evans rejected him, it was fun," In that we heard the bell of the entrance and a group of girls come laughing. They sit a couple of tables away from us. "Talking about the devil…”

Lily Evans was with her friends: Marlene Mckinnon, Alice Longbottom and Elsa Smith. They haven’t noticed our presence.

"Just ignore them," I say without thinking. Jenna looks at me confused.

"That's what I usually say, because you, my dear friend, are the first to get her claws out, especially with Evans." She says raising an eyebrow. I shrug.

"I'm not in the mood to fight,” The waiter brings our butterbeers and our food.

"Wait, I didn't ask for food-“ I raise my head to call the waiter, but Jenna doesn't let me.

"I asked, I know you haven’t eaten well and that should stop.” I grimace. "Now eat, it's just a chocolate croissant, you love chocolate!”

"You play dirty,” She laughs.

The conversation continues smoothly, but something’s changed, I could see Jenna looking at the table where Lily was. She watched, sighed and turned to me with an absent expression.

"You're good? Is the table over there more interesting than my super story about how I plan to be the best Auror ever? ” She is startled.

"Everything is fine, just-" She laughs nervously, "One of the girls has a beautiful blouse, I would like to know where she got it," she says… blushing?

Wait. What?

"You should ask them, they are not far" I say finishing my plate. She shares her head.

"I know you wouldn't be comfortable if I asked, besides, I don't want to bother.” I frown.

At what time has Jenna stopped doing things to avoid making me angry?

“Come on, I know you want to go there, don't worry about me. You're just going to ask them something”

“Sure?”

“You don't have to ask me for permission, Jenn. Just go.” She nods, happier than I thought. She gets up and goes to the table.

She interrupts the conversation, but something catches my attention: they receive her as another one of their group, make a place at the table.

I may be clueless, but I thought she was not welcome in that group either. I remember that Evans also treated her like me. This is odd, but I decide not to intervene and I only watch while I drink my beer, I surely look crazy, but I don't care.

They talk and laugh, Jenna seems in her element, when did they become such friends? I think I should pay more attention, will she ever tell me?

No, I dont think so. I finish my beer and the waiter arrives to collect everything, I pay him.

I think it's my time to go, I don't want to be watching all the time.

I get up and approach the table only to say goodbye to her, but on the way I realize something.

Marlene Mckinnon and Jenna share looks and complicit smiles, both are sitting facing each other and it seems they’re not really paying attention to Alice's story. 

I frown, but it all makes sense before my friend's actions. She takes Marlene's hand under the table and holds it affectionately, then they both laugh, Jenna places a strand of her hair behind her ear and at last, approaches Marlene to whisper something. She laughs.

This can’t be.

This cannot be.

That is the technique she uses to flirt! Actually, she has several, but with Marlene she has put them all together.

Jenna likes Marlene!

“Do you need something, Singh?" At that moment I notice that I’m right in front of your table, just watching and probably with my mouth open.

I shake my head.

"Sorry I just-" I don't know what to say, Jenna looks at me, maybe wondering if I saw her technique and of course I saw her. I share a look with her and bite my lip. "I... I was leaving and-"

I say, and they all just looked at me confused. Jenna gets up and takes me by the shoulders. I thought the surprises were ending, but no. A small glow catches my attention. I look at Marlene's hand and let out a gasp. Jenna quickly covers my mouth and surrounds me with her free arm.

"Well girls, we're leaving," She says as I try to talk about her hand causing only stifled noises. I move to get out of her grip, but it doesn't work.

Jenna drags me through the place until we get out of it, walks to a small alley and forces me to be against the wall without removing her hand from my mouth.

"Persephone!"

"You never call me that!" It's what I wanted to say, but only muffle noises keep coming.

"Stop moving!”

I can't with this. I pass my tongue over her hand and she screams.

”Persephone! That's gross!”

"Yes, good. You should wash your hands more often,” I complain and fix my clothes, “What the fuck was that?” She grimaces.

"What are you talking about?" I'm too tense for this.

"She has your bloody ring, Jenna!" I scream no matter who could happen to hear us, she doesn't try to shut me up, "Marlene Mckinnon! She has the ring that you never take off, the one you don't let me touch, the ring your mom gave you since you were little! Why the fuck does that mudblood-?”

No wait. That’s wrong. Jenna looks down for a moment and when it looks up my heart is shattered into a thousand pieces

"No, I mean-“ I clear my throat "Why does she have it... why?" Yes, better.

This is what I call progress. Her eyes tear up and she fidgets.

“Sorry, I didn't want to call her that. Sorry…” I say hugging her.

She cries a little on my shoulder and then returns the hug.

"What's going on, Jenna?" I say as we part, she waves a hand near her face.

"I didn't want you to know,"She sobs

"Wait, all that speech that you were fed up with all the boys here, was because you wanted to date girls?”

"Something like that,” We’re silent for a few seconds.

"I'm stupid."

"Persephone, I know what you think and maybe that's why I didn't tell you, but I think... I really like her, I don't care if we're girls or Muggles-“

"Stop there,” I say raising my hand "I am processing this.”

“P-"

"All this time, you haven't dated anyone since we came here, and I just told you that you would find another idiot out of Hogwarts?”

"Yes?" She replies.

"I'm stupid. How did I not realize before?" I hit my forehead, "Sure, because you could only be with a boy- ugh,” I growl. "There are also girls-“

I look at her.

"Of course you can be with one of them- well you're with one-“

"Wait, I don't understand. Are you upset that you didn't realize?" It seems like a joke, but yes. I sigh.

"Sorry for not being aware of all this, Jenna" I hold her hands, "I feel like I've been very selfish for many years…”

"Hey, honey," She takes my chin and laughs. "It's okay!”

"No, it isn't" I let go of her grip, "I just thought about my problems and I didn't realize many things -with Regulus or with you- I feel like crap.”

She laughs again.

"What are you laughing at, idiot? I'm having a moment,” Now she laughs louder.

"P, I can't believe it," She says, trying to calm herself down. "I was scared that you might get mad because I like a girl or because she is Muggles' daughter, but it bothers you that you didn’t know."

"I don’t see whah’s so funny,” I pout.

"Quiet, P. Everything’s fine,” She smiles shyly.

"Do you really like her?" I venture and she nods. Suddenly I scream, "My best friend is in love!”

She tries to cover my mouth again, but now I stop her, we both fight as we laugh.

"Don't say that strong word!” I let out a laugh.

"Strong word your ass,” At some point, my leg fail and I fall to the ground, Jenna just laughs.

“It's a pleasure to be your clown, seriously. I live for that,” I say sitting up. I rub my back.

"You're an idiot.”

"You too. An idiot in loooove,” I tease and she blushes “Oh, are you shy now?”

"No, it's just weird to hear you say it," She says, helping me to get up.

“It’s not bad to say it or be it. Besides, you are in love, why would you give her your ring if not? ”

I say brushing off the dirt from my clothes.

"Well, I had to give her something, after being together for so long,” I frown.

"How long have you been dating, Jenna?" She is surprised and realizes what she’d said. “Jenna?”

How is it that a few minutes ago we were laughing and now I'm afraid of what she could say?

"Two years…” she whispers, but I can hear her perfectly.

"What!?" She steps back.

"I can explain it-“

"I hear you…” I step back a little and cross my arms. She opens and closes her mouth several times. "You have been dating her for two years. And you didn't deign to tell me?"

"I didn't know how to tell you!” The tears are coming back.

“When were you going to do it? When we leave school? While living together or would you also hide it? While one of you were expecting a baby!?” I exploded.

“No- I…” I can't do this, I don't want to see her crying, but I can't just say ‘Oh, okay, it was only two years that you lied to me.’

“After the scene you did before coming here because I hid something from you and you had the biggest secret of all…” Now I’m tearing up. "You know? It hurts that you couldn't tell me, I thought we were friends.”

"We are, but... you don't understand” I let out a dry laugh.

“I don’t, you're right- For two years…”

I’ve had enough. I leave the alley and walk through the streets of Hogsmeade.

I may be exaggerating, maybe she really didn't know how to tell me, was she that afraid of me? She thought I was going to be angry about her blood status or her sexuality? How bad have I been? She was wrong not to tell me, but I was worse at creating that insecurity.

My vision is clouded by tears, I don’t see where I’m going until I collide with a man, I step back a little and clean my eyes.

"I'm so sorry, I didn’t know where I was going-“

"My intention was to come to you, sweetie." I look up to meet a tall man, he’s got dark hair and eyes. His face is covered with freckles and a kind smile.

"Alphard?" I say with a smile.

He opens his arms and smiles. I don't wait any longer and hug him as hard as I can.

“This is a good hug, not like Sirius's. That boy is shy for everything,” I laugh in his chest. We break apart.

"Why were you crying, my love?" He says touching my cheek.

"Oh, it's nothing" He stares at me.

"You know you can't lie to me,” I huff.

“I argued with my best friend…”

"Tell Uncle Alphard everything.”

________________________

"Did you talk to Sirius?" The man nods, eating his candy. After going to Honeydukes we sat on a bench near a small bush.

"Yes, he seemed very upset, he told me about the great news of marriage," I shudder, "How do you feel about it, honey?” I sigh.

"Being honest- I'm angry, I didn't think they were going to do it, but at the same time I'm not surprised they did it,” I take a bite of my chocolate frog.

He nods.

“I understand you both. I think the strange thing was that they prepared it so soon, for me they did it at the beginning of my seventh year.”

"But you were never married, Uncle Alphard-“ He laughs.

"Maybe, but that didn't stop them from trying to arrange a marriage for convenience," I look surprised.

"How did you get out of that?"

"Oh, you have the same look as Sirius, but I'm sorry, it's not like I got out of that responsibility, sweetie," I grimace.

"So?"

He sighs.

“I had a girlfriend when I was about to finish school, of course she was pure blood. Not that it was a requirement for me, since I was young I did not share the same beliefs as my family, but I suppose I was lucky to find Endora,” He smiles nostalgic, “she was sweet and affectionate, it was also pure luck that her parents had a Good job in the ministry. We were in love, and we planned to get married. I was willing to leave a lot of broken hearts.” He jokes and I hit his shoulder. We both laugh.

"What happened?" His smile is erased.

“She… she got sick. Shortly after she died- I was devastated, my parents felt sorry for me, they also loved Endora- so they didn't pressure me to get married”

I see the man sitting next to me, looking at the floor, maybe remembering those good moments.

I always thought of Alphard Black as the best uncle anyone could have. He’s funny, affectionate, always helped us with mischief or covered us when we planned something. He made fun of the other adults and didn't take things seriously, he was our best accomplice, the best partner.

"If Sirius dies, I may have a chance," I said half-joking.

“I don't believe it, sweetie. My sister can be hell, I don't think she is as compassionate as our parents,” He says.

We both laugh. He looks at me and puts a lock of my hair away.

“You look as beautiful as ever, I don't understand why Sirius and you aren’t together…” At that moment I feel a knot in my stomach and I groan, causing a laugh from him.

"Don't even joke about it”

“Oh, young people… so stupid. They don't realize anything-”

"Shut up, old man.”

"Do you remember when we stole Walburga's birthday cake?" He says excitedly, like a little boy. I nod laughing.

“You distracted the adults while we stole it. But Regulus was very small and clumsy, the cake fell down getting everyone's attention.”

“The best thing was that we ate it anyway!”

This was what I liked most about Alphard, he always makes the pain in my stomach go away.

"Uncle, I thought you were gone…” The four marauders come to our side.

I settle in my place, uncomfortable because of their presence. Remus gives me a smile and I return it for a brief second.

“Can't I enjoy a day in Hogsmeade with a beautiful young lady, nephew?”

"You can, just that you're missing the beautiful lady.” James and Sirius laugh like idiots and I roll my eyes.

“Don't be a jealous child, Sirius. Behave.” I look at the man. Sirius stops laughing and clears his throat. The only adult he listens to is his uncle.

“It's a pleasure to see you, Mr. Black,” adds Remus, always so polite.

"Yes, it’s cool. Sirius was very selfish in not telling us that you would come,” Potter teases, hitting his friend.

"I had to talk to him about important issues," Sirius mumbles, looking at me.

“I'm glad to see you guys too. But I think I must go…” I can't help pouting, watching his movements, “Come on, sweetie. I promise to have another meeting with you” I nod while Sirius lets out a snort.

Alphard gets up and gives me a hug.

“You know you can write to me whenever you want, Persephone.”

“Okay…” He kisses my forehead and moves away a little. He waves goodbye to the others and puts a hand on Sirius's shoulder.

“I hope our conversations has served you, guys. Although, I forgot to mention something…” He smiles, “You should ask for help from your friends, you’d be surprised of how many unions can be ruined by a good plan”

Everyone sees the man in utter confusion. Everyone, but one person, that understood clearly what he’d meant.

Taglist: 

@treestarrrrrrrr @siriuslysirius1107 @thagreenmoonblack @madmaiden2890 @bloodorangemoonlight​   @ren-ela​   @avipshamitra​  @auroraaawrites   @findzelda

[bishiglomper]

I had a dark, creepy inception dream.

Very FFXII inspired. There were supernatural stuff as far as how the laws of nature worked.

First bit of the dream I had little plushies I would pick out to be my "children"? I would pick out a little funko pop sized one, love on it and it would sit and incubate somewhere until it was ready. But i kept forgetting about then and like a year later I'd check on it like "omg I'm so sorry, are you alive, do you still love me??" And the stuffie would slowly start moving like blinking to life and it would seem to forgive me and then I had these live plush things. That I called my children. There were some figure ones that worked like those sponges you put in water and when it was done and you wiped off the water-saturated goo, you'd have a baby. 😂 I stuck with the stuffie version.

For some reason my uncle drove a huge yellow school bus. Just to get these like, 8 teens every day. Mom and i were always there. I fuckin' hated it. He drove too fast and people were always diving out of the way to not be killed. I was always freaking out waiting for the inevital bump of going over a body. Somehow it never did. I always sat in the back looking out the windows. One day i had enough and said out loud "I CANNOT STAND THIS DAMN BUS!" And people were like "huh" and "why" and mom was like "shhh your uncles driving it"

Once again i was just like "I CANNOT STAND THIS GODDAMN BUS" knowing my conservative christian uncle would be annoyed. He told me to basically shut up and sit down. I was in a very "fuck you" mood and stormed off though. I was just relieved to be off it. It made me so anxious and angry. I dunno what all that was about.

Another part; I made friends with this fey child thing. She was kind of a bitch, as far as children go and there was a grumpy talking (light grey Persian) cat. Dunno wtf these were but they were of the monster variety.

I wanted to abandon my life and go with the monster girl. One of the things i learned was in the tilled field next to us, below lived some sort of huge scary monster. Like spiders? But they were kind but would put you to work mucking out their tunnels. Gross but interesting. Also carried the fey risk of never being allowed to return, but if one wanted to run away and live with the monsters, it wasn't the worst one could do. There was another option that involved running a gauntlet in a river. I watched someones attempt, and there was magic involved and they were about to not make it, and drown... But some creature came to their aid and what it did was speed them up as they were swept down the river in the wake of something's tail. They sped up because to make it out and over the falls they had to go supersonic or something. So the fish? Hummingbird? Creature saved them and they passed. Definitely not worth risking.

Then the dream shifted into more plotty things and there was a big mansion. This is the inception part because i think i was thinking up a story but at the same time, was involved in it. Or it mirrored my situation.

The monster girl had her mom and i told her I was coming with her. But that we needed to leave as soon as possible because there was danger from another monster. She was like yeah, and told me to wait. I waited by the cat. I later found out the kid abandoned me to go to bed. But she said we'd leave during the night. So I tried sleeping for a few hours.

Well. The monster matriarch caring for the house/people wasn't going to let me go. It was like a momma wanting to keep her babies home. She'd sooner eat me than let me leave.

I guess we tried to drug her into sleeping deeper so we could flee easier but something went wrong and this monster mom slowly started stalking after us. I woke the girl up, found out her mom had been sucked dry and was just a husk. We grabbed what half-packed bags we could with me literally flinging shirts and jeans into a bag as I ran to the window. We were gonna hoof it until she just straight up threw her shit in a nearby truck and got in the driver's seat. She looked 8. I think i was little too. Btw she was moving in an urgent sort of way, but was otherwise unfazed by the events. Like she knew how to handle it. I however was scared shitless.

After we were on the road, someone else was driving while we tried to get some rest. This is when i thought i had been plotting so I thought i would share what setting i had with her. To talk about something else.

Basically the plot was..

Main character gets drafted but shortly dies. (Directly stolen from the beginning of FFXII LOL) and he leaves behind a brother and friends in this small town though he lived at the big mansion. That was cared for by a matriarch thing. This matriarch was a monster and had a certain influence over the place. I mean, people were content enough but definitely had an unnerved sort of vibe about them.

I remember there was a younger brother shrouded in this same contentedness but eventually started to realize things were off. So he wanted to escape. But they had an even younger brother, who was sickly and often snuggled down with... Not the matriarch, but some of the people who were definitely doing her bidding. One of the things they did was reward and keep the kid's interest by giving him special marbles they said looked like planets. Like the kid didnt know anything about planets and was completely fascinated in collecting and learning about as many as he could. He'd only have a handfull of marbles at a time but they were treated like special magic stones. He was completely saturated by this influence. (Since its FFXII inspired, lets call it Mist)

So the middle brother tried to enlist the help of his uncle who could be trusted and wanted to help. (He had some political power at the house but in one of those.. "The bad guys obviously dont like or trust him" sort of ways) And i guess the middle kid was training to be a doctor because they used it as an excuse to be handling certain things. I think they were trying to get closer to the sick kid. Also find proof that something wrong was going on.

The guy tried to involve a handfull of his friends. Some were his older brothers friends. There was one that had gone into a drunken depression at his death and was on a bad path. (A sherrif like guy was worried about him, having promised the dead brother he'd watch over him but..) One guy had a small motorcycle he loved but was the cautious friend with the sense of reason. Kind of the leader. Dunno much about the others.

At some point, they have to flee. They're all on crotch rockets and trying to evade the cops which are under the matriarch monsters influence. They hop a barbed wire fence and escape past some curly haired cow calves in a stable. They just managed to get away.

I think the drunk guy was gonna turn his nose up at the friends and tell them to fuck off when they ask him to help, but he meets up with them later out of a sense of duty.

I dont remember much more that i can organize into linear thoughts. But the whole vibe was dark and so creepy..

[nisaadventures]

I’m turning 30 in 10 days... yikes.

The last year of my life has sucked... lol. Okay, it wasn’t all bad. I’m exaggerating... but I’m also not. I know there were plenty of nice moments in the last year... but when I think about the last year of my life, its just full of so many firsts... awful firsts... 

First time celebrating their birthdays without them...

First holiday season without them... anyone else miss mom’s turkey? Most people don’t like traditional thanksgiving dinner because the turkey is more often dry... mom’s was never dry... Okay the key people.. Don’t actually cook your stuffing in the turkey. Its just going to suck all the juice life out of your bird... I mean come on. Trick #1 stuff the turkey with fresh cut oranges and yes, you can leave the skin on... #2 do majority of the oven time in an oven bag to keep the moisture in. #3 cook breasts down. Its the part thats usually most dry, so duh... keep it in the juicy, buttery goodness of the pan. I never made the entire meal, I usually just helped mom with everything. These are just some things I’ve taken away in my observations. 

Halloween trip to Disneyland without them... Disney is always a good time, but I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t feel heavy in some way... and that is saying something because Disneyland is my happy place lol. 

Looking forward to 2020... Hoping that it had so much better in store for us. 

Dear lord... what a joke. 

Going to Hawaii for our “family trip” without them...

A pandemic without them... I mean yes, I’m thankful they aren’t out there with COVID on the rise... I’m glad they’re not stuck at home because COVID. Mom and Michael are both too much of busy bees to be cooped up in the house for too long. 

Not going to lie... picking up where they left has been hard. All of moms plants... The dogs.. Taking care of the backyard, where Michael usually would. Mom would definitely do too much at once. She’d be out in the yard planting something and pulling out something else in her damn UGG boots! wth mom?! Those are expensive! lol. “Oh its fine.. I’ll wash them.” Omg lol. Either that, or she’d be over here trying to move heavy a$$ pots by herself and I’d have to stop her before she hurt her back. Ayiyi. 

Keanu and Aria’s birthdays without them... seeing my babies sad and missing their grandma, grandpa, and aunties has been hard. It will be out of nowhere sometimes... and all the nights of Aria waking up in the middle of the night crying. I feel you baby girl... I get it. I miss them too... Its okay to be sad... Mantras... 

You were her little rays of sunshine. Grandpa and grandma loved you SOOOO much. 

Mom would babysit the kids on Saturday mornings, while Kuya, Vaness, and I went to workout. They’d go get breakfast, pancakes and eggs, at UJs. She’d take them to Target, the dollar store, Walmart, etc. just so they could look and maybe get something to play with together. She always crafted with them. 

Living in this house... especially with COVID... has been hard. I miss just sitting at the dinner table, eating sho mi, and talking about work. Mom and Michael getting all worked up over some crazy manager, or something going down with the union.. yup, that’s where I get it from... advocacy and leadership skills FTW.  One thing they could always talk about for HOURS was work lol. 

I remember when I was a little girl, Mom would let me play in the bathtub until I was all wrinkled. She would let me bring all my toys into the tub. At one point I even had a care bear doll that she, for some reason, let me take in the bath lol. She’d throw it in the dryer for me after I was done. 

I remember going to the grocery store with mom and leaving with two full a$$ grocery carts because we had a full house at all times. I mean it was Kuya, my cousin Jojo, my brother Derric, my cousin John, Bubba, my cousin Jay, me and whoever else was over the house lol. When Kuya was in high school, it was all of his buddies partying at our house and crashing on the floor in the living room, dining room, and all the couches. She was the #1 host for sure.

“Are you hungry? Did you eat yet?” 

Thats love. 

All of Kuya’s high school friends called her Mom. My friends called her Mama Fern. She loved that. 

I remember playing hide n go seek in the dark in our tiny town house.. Later in the bigger house on Glenbriar... where mom actually tripped and broke her arm... But she laughed so hard she peed her pants, so she was a good sport? lol. Needless to say, we sort of stopped playing after that.

I remember making dim sum with mom for the first time. Such a hot mess, flour and food everywhere, but so fun. We definitely didn’t do that again until there were more adults around to help lol. Mom knew how to run through a kitchen like a tornado. Hot mess! but the best cook. 

Mom was always careful. She always wanted to make sure we were safe, that I was safe. I couldn’t go outside unless one of the boys was with me. When I would swim she would get nervous, even though I learned how to swim at a young age thanks to Kuya. One day, we were having a bbq, lots of family over, I was playing in the jacuzzi (drawing on the wall of the jacuzzi with a piece of chlorine... don’t play with chemicals kids lol) and she thought I was drowning? So she jumps her a$$ in there fully clothed and yanks my a$$ out. I was shocked as hell, so I naturally started crying hella hard and complaining about the fact that she scratched me when she yanked me up out of the water lol.

Keep in mind that that was not the first time one of the twins jumped into the pool fully clothed to “save” someone hahaha. 

 Speaking of fully clothed in the pool... The time auntie tripped and fell slo-mo style (that questionable, are you going to catch your balance, speed) into the pool LOL. Mom was dead laughing at her. Most hilarious video. 

Those twins lol. 

Jeeze.. speaking of the twins. They had this crazy connection. Tell me why when mom got sick with suspected viral meningitis and had to be hospitalized... Auntie straight up followed her right into the ICU with viral meningitis... 

Who remembers their 50th birthday? Talk about doing it BIG. So much fun. All the performances. Lani was there... KMA performances and kuya and John getting down for Maglalatik. Who doesn’t like seeing some half naked, buff dudes, bang coconuts together? haha. The twins getting down with their hula performance. Cute!

I remember when Mom and pops were going through their divorce and she would text me after midnight. I was going to Sac State and of course I was team NO sleep at the time. I would be in the AIRC studying. I’d comfort as best as I could from a distance... and then come home on weekends to be there with her when I could. 

She found her footing again. Started going to the gym with Kuya more... Started running all the time... all of her half marathons and finally she did the Nike Women’s Marathon. 

Hiking Half Dome with her. What.a.badass. 

That is really how I see her. She was so badass. When she was my age she had my 9 year old Kuya and I was on the way... She was working and supporting us and then eventually decided to make a better life for us, and went back to school... NURSING SCHOOL. wth. I can’t even imagine doing that right now, but reminding myself of where she has been and how much she PUT IN WORK... That keeps me grounded in the fact that we are responsible for our lives. If you want something, you have to work for it. You can’t just hope for better... you make better happen. 

I guess its that reminder... her strength... her and Michael’s love and hard work... That keeps me going. 

Being mindful... being thankful... acknowledging my own strength... 

But with that said... August has been increasingly hard. I don’t like to think about my birthday. I don’t even want to plan anything. They’re not here... I can’t celebrate with all my loved ones and friends. Thank you COVID... 

We’re just getting closer and closer to the anniversary? Nah.. lets not call it that... anniversary sounds like something nice... something to celebrate... This is NOT that. The day your loved ones are taken is not something to celebrate... I mean honestly, if I had to pinpoint the worst day of my life, that was it.... When I think about that day I can’t breathe. Terrible memories... so many sleepless nights. I’ve come so far. Its still hard, but I’ve come a long way. 

Anyway... this post is sort of random and nostalgic. Things I hold onto. Things that make me happy cry... Things that weigh heavy on my heart. 

Here’s my playlist for grief... reminders of them... collected over the last year:

Aloha for now -Kaleo Vai & Passion 

One day at a time -Jennifer Chung

In the end - Gabe Bondoc, Melissa Polinar, Passion

Round and around -Kolohe Kai

Fade Away -Rebelution

Alive -The Green

New Day -Kimie’

Angels above me -Stick Figure

Memories -Maroon 5

Wish you pain -Andy Grammer

100 -Katchafire

Everyday life -Coldplay

Out of the darkness -Isla vista worship, Bre Reed

Amen -Andra Day

Grateful -13 Crowns feat. Poo Bear

Rainbow Connection -Gwen Stefani

Be okay -ZOE worship 

With you -Eryn Allen Kane

Dont worry -Mesto feat. Aloe Blacc

Just livin’ -Sensi trails, Kbong

Remember me -Miguel, Natalia Lafourcade

Even more -Major

Let it be -Xav A.

Give Thanks -Iya terra, Stick figure

Mr. Sun -Sammy Johnson

Rest easy -Thrive, Nico of Tribal Theory

Sunny Days- Allen Stone

Today’s a new day -Common Kings

Mother’s Love -Jonah Jaxon, Micah G

The bones -Maren Morris, Hozier

Give you blue -Allen Stone

And we remain -Johnnyswim

Yellow -Kina Grannis

Streetcar -Daniel Caesar

Meant to be -Bebe Rexha, Florida georgia line

All you need to know -Gryffin, slander, Calle Lehmann

Like I’m gonna lose you -Jasmine Thompson

[sun-kissed-star]

Could u write albert/race (platonic or romantic) w adhd!race (btw i l o v e ur fics)

thank u love, just for you here’s a fic of me projecting on race, ft. an asshole date and albert being a sweetheart

trigger warning: ableist language

~~~~~~~

“Come to the park with me on my date, he said,” Albert muttered to himself, swatting a branch out of his face. “It’ll be fun, he said.”

In any given situation, Albert would rather stab out his left eyeball with a spork than be a third-wheel on a date. It made him anxious and turned him from calm and collected to a shy, awkward mess in a matter of seconds. 

Apparently, all those things went out the window when Race was involved. Albert guessed it was fair, anyway. Race had met a cute boy named Kevin at a party, been asked out on a date, and proceeded to beg Albert to come with him. He’d barely talked to the boy and he was “too young and pretty to be murdered on a first date.” (Race’s words, not Albert’s.)

Besides, it wasn’t really third-wheeling. Not when Albert was crouched in a tree, watching Kevin slip his hand into Race’s. It was technically called stalking. 

“You having fun?” Kevin said to Race. They were sitting on a bench directly under Albert’s tree, and frankly, he considered it a miracle Kevin hadn’t looked up yet. 

“Yeah,” Race said, grinning at their linked hands. His cheeks and ears were tinged pink. “I love this park. When I was seven, my mom, my biological one, took me and my best friend Albert here. I don’t live with her anymore, I doubt she remembers it, but I broke my arm. I don’t even remember how. I mean, that wasn’t the last time I was here, that’s the only time I’ve ever broken something. My brother says it’s a miracle I haven’t cracked my head open from all the idiot stuff I do. He shouldn’t be talking, right? He’s usually the reason I do stupid stuff. Me and him went to this park a few weeks ago. Oh, his name’s Jack, I’ve got two brothers and a sister, all adopted, our poor mom. Have you met him? He was at that party we met at, but he was probably passed out on the couch.”

Race took a breath and looked at Kevin expectantly. Albert had followed the entire conversation, more than used to Race when he started rambling, but Kevin didn’t have the same expertise. He looked like a deer in headlights, scrambling to find an endpoint to Race’s story. 

“Um… you’re a foster kid?” he finally settled on saying. “Or, um, you’re adopted?”

Albert didn’t approve. 

“Yeah,” Race said. “Adopted when I was eleven. Did I mention that? Shit, sorry, didn’t mean to unload on you.”

“Um, it’s okay, you didn’t,” Kevin said. “So… what happened with your brother?” Race raised an eyebrow, and Kevin elaborated. “A few weeks ago? When you were here with him?”“Oh!” Race said, and he launched back into his story like he’d never taken a pause. “So, we dragged a trampoline to the base of a tree, and he dared me to jump off a branch and land on the trampoline. We didn’t have a helmet so we just used a pillow. Honestly, that was one of the times where I thought I’d break somethin’ else, but it was just that one time when I was seven. I had a huge scratch on my leg for a couple weeks and I’ve got a scar, but it’s not that bad.”Kevin laughed awkwardly and tucked his hands under his thighs. It was then Albert noticed that Race had pulled their hands apart and was gesturing grandly with one. The other was resting on Kevin’s knee. Race was a tactile guy, and Albert was surprised the hand hadn’t made its way to Kevin’s face. 

“You talk a lot,” Kevin said. 

Race smiled. “Ain’t the first time someone’s told me that, trust me,” he said. “You should talk to my teachers. They’d probably go on tangents longer than mine about me. My math teacher doesn’t like me ‘cause I always get the answer right, but not the way I’m supposed to get it, which is fuckin’ unfa-”

“Let’s get ice cream,” Kevin cut in, standing up suddenly and grabbing Race’s sleeve to tug him up with him.

Race smiled sheepishly as his hand moved to grab Kevin’s again. Kevin stuffed his hands in his pockets pointedly. “Okay, cool. Sorry. Just let me know if I start rambling like that and I’m bein’ annoying. I’m kind of an idiot.”

“It’s fine,” Kevin said with a grin so fake it hurt to look at. The kid was getting a solid two out of ten on Albert’s scale of “People That Deserve To Hang Out With My Friends.”

“Hey, I don’t have my wallet with me,” Race said, patting his pockets. “But I can pay you back for the ice cream. It’d be the gentleman thing to do, right?” He winked, sidling up to Kevin’s side to lean on him, and Albert forced a laugh back down his throat. 

Kevin didn’t think it was funny. When Race’s elbow raised to rest on his shoulder, he moved away. “You didn’t bring your wallet?” he said, frowning. “But I didn’t bring mine. We agreed to get ice cream a couple days ago, when I asked you out, and you said you’d pay. Remember?”

Race’s face fell when Kevin stepped back. “Oh… oh,” he said, realization dawning over his face. “Fuckin’ shit. I’m sorry, Kevin,” he said, running a hand through his hair. Albert wanted to jump down and give him a hug, but that might have had something to do with the fact that his back was permanently cramped from hunching over in the tree for so long. 

Instead of forcing a smile and saying “It’s fine,” which Albert had been expecting, the frown didn’t waver on Kevin’s face. “What’s your problem, man?” he said. “Like, I don’t wanna be rude, but you’ve spent this entire time talking about yourself and you forgot about something we agreed on two days ago.”

“I… dude, I didn’t mean to,” Race tried. “Sorry if I’m being obnoxious. I have ADHD and I’ve been out of meds since last week. I forgot to tell my mom, but she’s picking them up today.”

If anything, Kevin’s scowl deepened, which just made the situation worse. Albert could read Race’s stiff shoulders and fleeting eyes like a book. “That’s not an excuse, dude. I get that you’ve got memory problems or whatever, but we’ve all got our issues. Can’t you just… I don’t know, try harder?” 

“I -”

“Forget it,” Kevin muttered. “I’m not really in the mood for ice cream, I think I’m just gonna go home. I’ll text you or something.” He clapped a hand on Race’s shoulder. “See you later, Tony.”

From the look on his face as he walked off, hands still stuffed deep in his pockets, Albert had a feeling he wouldn’t be texting. 

He waited until Kevin had completely disappeared around the corner. He’d pulled out his phone as soon as he left Race alone, thumps tapping wildly on the screen. Albert could only pray there wouldn’t be rumors about “the weird, freckled kid that never shuts up” at school on Monday. 

He jumped down from his tree, a lot less gracefully than he would’ve prefered. Race jumped a foot in the air and whipped around as Albert sweared loudly, clutching his foot. 

“Shit, I forgot you were up there,” Race said. His shoulders slumped, and he looked more like a kicked puppy than a dejected teenage boy. “Sorry you had to listen to all that. Like, me rambling and then gettin’ ditched by Kevin and whatever.”

“Shut up,” Albert said. Hearing himself out loud, he quickly backtracked, “I-I mean, you can talk as much as you want. I just don’t want you to… you’ve said sorry too much today, Racer. It’s not your fault.”He stared intently at the hole in the toe of his Converse as he was talking, and when he looked up, Race’s eyes were red. He wasn’t quite crying, but his voice cracked when he spoke.

“Yes it is.” It sounded like he’d tried to sound angry with himself, to snap out his words like a rubber band against raw skin, but he just sounded sad. “Don’t play dumb, Albie. Kevin’s right. I talked about myself too much, and I forgot about somethin’ so fuckin’ simple, and I chased him away. Did you see his face?” he demanded. “He looked at me like I was a fuckin’ alien from Area 51, and then he left.”

As much as Albert wanted to say “Good riddance to him, then,” he didn’t think it would be appreciated. He stepped forward, Race sunk his head into his shoulder.

“I’m such an idiot,” he said, words muffled in Albert’s shirt. “And I kind of wanted that ice cream, babe, not gonna lie.” 

Albert gripped the back of Race’s neck wordlessly, knowing the pressure was grounding and comforting from how often Race did it to him. “Lucky for you,” he mumbled in Race’s ear, “I always come prepared. C’mon, dude, my brother gave me twenty bucks and I’m spending all of it before I step foot in my house.”

Race smiled against his shoulder. “What would I do without you? Seriously, would I be dead? I think I’d be dead.”

“No, you just wouldn’t have stories to tell about breaking your arm with me to asshole dates.”

“He wasn’t an as-”

“Race. You told him you had ADHD, and he told you to try harder and get over it.”

“I should’ve told him before so he’d know how much work I can b-”“If I told someone I had autism and they told me to suck it up and stop whining, would you deck them or not?”

Race lifted his head, silently pursing his lips together. “Okay,” he admitted. “He was kind of an asshole.”

Albert nodded solemnly. “The asshole to end all assholes,” he said. He was just trying to make Race laugh and they both knew it, but in his defense, it was working. “C’mon,” he said, grabbing Race’s collar and ushering him towards the sidewalk. “Chocolate or vanilla?”“Both. Extra sprinkles.”

“Damn. You know I’m paying, right? Maybe you’re the asshole.”

Race laughed again, throwing his head back and an arm around Albert’s shoulders, and for the first time in an hour, all was right with Albert’s world. 

TAG LIST

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[doctorguilty]

sys talk this got sadder than intended but ............ it be like that sometimes 

i feel like I should have put this together a lot sooner but I FIGURED SOMETHING OUT about Fear that’s really good

so basically how my system seems to work is that media interests/likes/etc are mostly overlapping for everyone, but for some system mates it’s their SI so it’ll be their favorite thing or theyre most passionate about it, when theyre awake they’ll reach for that

i’m an absolute idiot for not putting together the correlation of fear being awake for near the whole month of january so far (cause of ptsd stuff like thats unrelated) and having a sudden urge to talk about sonic games, its been like every other night or MORE that I’ll be feeling very Upset in bed trying to sleep so I’ll play snapcube sonic videos on my phone and literally fall asleep to them to calm down dskjfdsgsd and it only occurred to me after drawing that art and thinking about that song and thinking about living with my mom and the hundreds of hours spend playing my sonic adventure collection sdjfhsjghdsg FUCK 

like you know who would have been around a HUGE amount of time back then???? the part that literally split as a survival mechanism in my abusive home???? that we lived in for 18 years??????? adhsadgasfhdsgjasg 

and I fucking REMEMBER now holy shit, it came flooding back, I mean I remembered being really into the sonic series as an SI but holy hell other people in school bullied me about it, including my own friends, and omg I remember......... everything I ever collected i had like, plushes of a bunch of the characters, they all must have been thrown out cause I have no recent recollection of ever seeing them again 

but fear would have been so involved in all that, I know it used to be a very very VERY frequent fronter when we were like, surviving all that, and that was defs before any other EP’s existed in the group I am aware of now, in fact I’m not 100% sure Doc existed back then??? more information needed??? but it woulda just been me and fear...........which makes sense, because of the way it seems to only connect to me in the system and not really any one else................... 

god oh fuck everything makes so much sense I’m having like, flashbacks about it............ it’s no wonder its so upset, imagine being an entity protecting yourself and someone you might consider a sibling or twin in an abstract sense, taking the flack of child abuse, and then when you grow up your twins like, hey thanks for making it so i dont have to think about that a lot anymore you can do that for me, also fuck you for being a psychopath, ,, and no therapist or anything will help you, and everyone on the outside hates you because you only get to express yourself when you take over and explode on people, and no one gets it because no one knows any better, they see you as a sickness, rather than a victim of it like if YOU were a virus or parasitic infection. 

but you’re not you were just an abused kid, who grew up into an abused adult with no friends, no support system, nothing personally valuable to you, and you started becoming abusive yourself because you’re scared and no one can SEE that you’re just scared and not a single soul ever taught you differently, you have NO frame of reference for what love looks like other than violence 

and it’s weird being a system, because in an overall sense, what happened to me was fucked  up and not fair for sure, just like, me as a person, as an individual human being, and all my system mates deal with the repercussions of that. but then there’s this one specific piece who absorbed the MOST of it, became the sickest, and all I ever did was blame that piece for making my life hard and shut it out. and that’s not fair.. and I didn’t know any better and no one helped me and in fact, I received a lot of uniformed, bad advice that shutting Fear out was the correct way to handle things, but i still hold myself accountable 

I’m glad I know better now because I’ve only seen an exponential amount of progress from the day I started going in a different direction and hearing out that EP wanting to build a better relationship... 

whack. anyway i got off track and emotional and started crying at one point while writing sdhfdjgdfshk it wasnt supposed to be that intense its just like, hey I figured out what Fear likes but .............. discovering anything about it comes with some weight and you can see why.. there’s a lot to unpack even in the smallest things because.. everything has just been sitting in the back of my brain like.untouched. for 20+ years 

[luv4fandoms]

You belong to me (Pennywise x oc) CH 2

Chapter 2 is here! I'll try to get chapter 3 out as soon as I can, typing on my phone kinda makes my carpal tunnel act up sadly. But let me know what you think! And If you'd like to see more, there will be more Pennywise in the next chapter.

CH 1

Word count: 2,655

Warnings: Cussing

The drive to Derry was long, a two day trip finally coming to an end as the small town came into view. The town was something out of a Hallmark Christmas movie, but in the middle of summer. Mom and Pop shops lined downtown streets that held maybe half of the small population of residents, all of whom stared at me as I drove past.

"Welcoming little town aren't you?" I muttered to myself while glancing at the paper in my hand.

"2235 Kansas St. At the corner where Kansas St meets Route 2...Now where is that?" Sighing I knew I would have to ask for directions, though I wasn't sure if anyone would actually give them to me. I decided to try one of the stores rather than just rolling my window down and shouting to one of the residents, I was already being given dirty looks, no need to make it worse. Parking in front of what looked like a pharmacy, I proceeded to get out, just barely getting to the front of my car and out of the way of a pickup that almost ran me over, the passenger, a teenage boy, glaring at me as they past.

"Starting to see why mom hates this place" I huffed and straightened out my long black skirt, I guess I should have expected the looks, I'm guessing this town didn't get many visitors, much less ones that could be quickly labeled goth. Making my way to the building I smiled and nodded at two elderly men sitting out front, but again just received blank stares, what the fuck was everyone's problem? Opening the door I was greeted with the default bell jingle that every small shop in America seem to have, as well as the overpowering smell of...I'm not entirely sure, you would think a pharmacy would smell like clearer or something, but this just smelled dirty.

'Remind me not to buy anything'

I looked around but didn't see a soul in the building, despite all the elderly people I had passed on the way. Slowly, I made my way to the back, looking around at the small building that seemed to have not moved past the 80's, and following a popping sound that seemed to grow louder the further back I went.

"You're new here" a female voice spoke, my eyes met those of a woman in her mid to late 30's, curly blonde hair, and an expression that said she would rather be anywhere else. The popping sound, I soon discovered, was her bubblegum.

"Yeah... yeah I'm just a bit lost, can you tell me how to get to" I started while I fished the paper out of my purse, having already forgotten the address.

"The corner of Kansas St and Route 2?" She popped her bubble again, and with a sigh, stated.

"The street behind this place is Maine St, follow that" she paused and looked at me dully.

"Left, at the end you'll come to Route 2, take a right, eventually you'll come across Kansas St" she finished, popping her bubble once more.

"Thanks, I appreciate it" I nodded with a small smile, ready to leave this place already.

"No problem" she replied with the fakest smile I had ever seen

"Welcome to Derry" and just like that her expression was back to being so done with everything. Taking my leave I exited the pharmacy, not paying any mind to the two men outside this time as I just quickly got into my car.

"I guess it's true, hospitality is only in the south" I grumbled as I drove down the street, quickly finding a way to Main St, and began following that. The woman was right, as soon as I got into Route 2 it didn't take long for me to reach the corner of Kansas St, and the house. There weren't any houses nearby, and it seemed like the lot went on for a bit, I wondered just how much land Grandma actually owned here. The house was in good condition, the beige walls going well with the dark brown trim of the three story building, I remember Grandma saying that Grandpa and his brothers had built this house by hand back in the day. Parking my car I stared at the house for a moment, so this is where mom grew up? The sides of the house were blocked off by thick trees, and the remnants of a rope hung from a branch, seeming to have been from an old tire swing, why didn't she want to come back? It seemed like a nice enough house. Stepping out of my car I made my way up to the small iron gate, the lock a little rusty, but working nonetheless, pushing it open I walked up the short path to the front door, cobwebs had already begun to collect around the old wood. I grabbed the key from my purse and unlocked the door, pushing it as it gave an eerily creaking noise while opening. Mom had said that the power would still be on thankfully, so I reached to find the switch, clicking it on once located. The warm glow it gave illuminated the Victorian style furniture that my grandmother loved so much, the inside was in pristine condition, as if someone had just cleaned, or maybe that was just how grandma kept it. I closed the door and began looking around, pictures of my mother when she was a child sat atop the fireplace, along with bottles filled with random herbs and things, in fact, bottles sat everywhere, not in a cluttered sort of way...As if each of them were placed there for a purpose, some even hung by strings on the curtain rods.

"Grandma was into witchy stuff" I jokingly stated as I examined one of the bottles, almost dropping it when the grandfather clock began to chime.

"Get ahold of yourself Liz, geeze you write scary stories for a living after all" placing the bottle back down I turned to head for the stairs, the walls up to the second floor were lined with more pictures of my mom, my grandmother and grandfather, aunts and uncles, nieces, nephews, and cousins. Most I had never met, but had heard mom and grandma talk about. Like my grandfather and his two brothers, all of whom served in the army, and died in the Vietnam war. My Grandmother had never remarried, saying that we are only truly destined for one person in our whole lives, and for her, it was my grandfather. 

"This was a big house for just you grandma" I stated as I reached the second floor, feeling even more guilty that I had never visited. The second floor held three rooms, now turned into a storage room, a sewing room, and a guest bedroom.  The third floor held two rooms, the master bedroom which still held all of my grandmother's belongings, and another guest bedroom. I noticed though, a door at the end of the hall.

"Wonder where that leads" I spoke as I made my way to the door, opening it revealed a small narrow staircase, four steps led to another door and I already knew just where this led.

"Your attic better not be haunted grandma" I grabbed the handle and turned it, but it didn't budge. Grabbing the house key I tried, but it was nowhere near the same size as the lock.

"Locked attic door...yup, something out of one of my stories" I stated while going back down the stairs.

"Just gonna close that and I'll come back to it another time" I walked back to my grandma's bedroom, taking the time to look around at her stuff, knowing full well it would only be a matter of time before my aunt and uncles came and took what they wanted, no doubt angry that she left me the house. I smiled as I picked up her perfume, the familiar scent reaching my nose.

"Grandma! Grandma! Look what I made!" I exclaimed, tiny hands holding up the very lopsided stuffed rabbit, my first finished sewing project since she had taught me.

"Why I have never seen anything more beautiful in my whole life! You are a natural! Soon you'll be making gowns for celebrities, the first lady, even the queen of England herself!" She smiled, picking me up and sitting me on her lap to examine the rabbit. I giggled at her words, the thought filled me with pride.

"Do you really think I could?"

"I know you could, you're destined for great things Lizzie, things that only you can do"

I placed the perfume back and walked over to the small glass cabinet, more bottles filled the shelves, along with a few crystals.

"Another nightmare sweety?" My grandmother asked as I cried into her nightgown, I nodded weakly while she stroked my hair.

"The same one?" Again I nodded.

"You know, I used to have bad dreams all the time too" she stated after a moment, I sniffled and looked up at her, tiny hands wiping the tears from my eyes.

"What did you do to make them stop?" 

"I started wearing this" she smiled, showing me a small white stone that hung from her neck, the light grey markings on it almost looking like spiderwebs.

"What's that?" 

"It's a crystal, it's called Howlite, and it makes bad dreams go away" she smiled before standing up and going to her jewelry box, she returned and clipped a small chain around my neck, a white stone just like hers now laid against my chest.

"And now this one will keep yours away too" she smiled.

"Heh...Guess you were kind of a witch huh grandma?" I smiled, reaching up to play with the Howlite that still hung around my neck. I looked around the room some more, stopping once I noticed my name written on an envelope atop a chest in the corner. Opening it I quickly read the letter.

"Dear Lizzie

I know right now you are probably feeling guilty for not keeping in contact more, don't try to deny it, I know you sweety. Dont. Don't feel guilty, I knew the day I left how these things would play out. Everything in life happens for a reason,we all have a purpose, a destiny, something we must do. My role was to be in your life physically, for as long as I was. You grew into such an amazing woman Lizzie, and I'm so proud to be your grandmother. But now it's time for you to walk your destined path, this chest contains as much as you'll need, the recipe is in the attic if you choose to make more. I love you dear, with everything I am and was

Love,Grandma"

I wiped the tears away as I stared at the letter.

"You always seemed to have all the answers" I sniffled while I put the letter back in the envelope, I turned to the chest and opened it, two brown bottles sat inside, and upon examination I realized they were filled with the same pills I had taken my whole life.

'this chest contains as much as you'll need, the recipe is in the attic if you choose to make more'

"As much as I need? Wait...the recipe is in the locked attic? Really grandma?" I sighed, putting the bottle back and closing the chest. 

"I need some air" I shook my head and headed back downstairs, locking the door on my way out. I drove back into town, the sun setting as my stomach alerted me to the fact that I had not eaten anything besides a quick McDonalds breakfast this morning, and it was currently almost six.

"Guess dinner is in order" I told my stomach while looking around the town, I spotted a chinese restaurant and the idea of orange chicken made my stomach go into overdrive. Pulling over I hopped out of my car, noticing far less residents out.

'Guess they turn in super early'

The sign read "Jade of the Orient" and upon entering the building I was met with smells that made my stomach growl even more. The line to be seated though, was a bit long, and looking around I could see that the restaurant was quite packed.

'So they don't turn in early, everyone was just here' I sighed as I sat down on one of the benches, smiling at the man who seemed to be around the same age as the girl in the pharmacy, he smiled back before furrowing his brows.

"Excuse me, sorry to bother you I've just, never seen you around" he stated.

"Oh no it's ok, I just got here today" I told him

"Well I'm Mike, Mike Hanlon. It's nice to meet you Miss…"

"Elizabeth Mills, but please, just call me Liz" I smiled and shook his hand.

"So what brings you to Derry Liz?" He asked as we watched a couple get called for a table.

"Actually, my grandmother just passed...she willed me her house" I stated

"I'm so sorry" he spoke, before questioning

"Are you Diana's granddaughter?" 

"You knew my grandmother?" I asked, though I shouldn't have been surprised, what with how small this town was.

"She was pretty much everyone's grandmother" he laughed

"That sounds like grandma" I smiled

"She would visit me at work a lot too, always had something new to teach" he smiled, seemingly remembering spending time with her.

"Where do you work?" I asked

"The library" he replied, before adding

"Not that glamorous"

"I write scary stories for a living, working at a library sounds fun" I laughed 

"Hanlon" the woman at the front called, causing Mike to stand up, he turned towards me and asked.

"Would you like to join me? I'm sure we each have stories to tell about your grandmother, only if you want of course" My stomach growling answered before I could and caused us both to laugh.

"You know what, I think I'll take you up on that" 

That night I learned about how my grandmother often read to children at the library, or made herbal remedies for people in town, or was just there as a listening ear or words of wisdom for anyone who needed it.

"It's good to know she was the same even here" I smiled as we walked out of the restaurant.

"You're a lot like her" he stated

"Oh I don't know about all that" I laughed

"No you are, she would be proud," he told me as we reached our cars.

"Well, thank you, and thank you for dinner, I was fully willing to pay" I laughed

"It's no problem at all, think of it as a welcome to Derry" 

"Well thank you, and I will be taking you up on that offer of the library visit" I smiled.

"I'll see you then, have a good night Liz" he stated as he walked to his car.

"You too Mike" I waved as I watched him drive away, turning to my car but stopping when I felt like I was being watched, the hairs on my neck standing on ends as I quickly scanned my surroundings, sighing when I didn't see anyone. Ghost I could deal with, dangerous people were more frightening. Getting into my car, I cranked it before looking around once more, stopping when my eyes caught sight of something that simply didn't belong, a single red balloon that slightly floated in front of an alleyway beside the restaurant.

"What the hell?" I watched as it floated up a tiny bit more before suddenly popping.

"You know what, I don't even want to know" I stated as I drove back to the house, still feeling like I was being watched until I was far from the restaurant.

To be continued

Let me know what you think! Hope you enjoyed it :)

[cherryonigiri]

Okay so could you write a headcanon where 2 random boys (can you pick then? I love all of boys from hq) and Ushi-kun where they walk on their gfs fangirling or thirsting over another anime/game character?And she was talking how hot he is? How they would react?👀😂 have a great day/night and dont forget to eat and get rest, love you💕

A/N: hahahahaha i laughed while writing this. FYI these are all based on legit crushes i had on anime/game characters at some point in my life - see if you’ve watched the shows i’ve watched :) ILY I PROMISE I’M DOING MY BEST TO EAT THREE MEALS A DAY AND GET ADEQUATE SLEEP MWAH. also i went overboard and added an extra boy bc why not. These are a little shorter since there were 4 characters but I hope you enjoy!

Content warning: implied nsfw for Atsumu + slight nsfw hcs for Matsukawa (Matukawa’s hcs are below the cut - UPDATE TUMBLR IS NOT LETTING ME PUT THE CUT WHERE I WANT IT SO JUST LETTING YOU KNOW THAT THERE IS IMPLIED/SLIGHT NSFW FOR THE LAST 2 CHARACTERS

PS: If anyone wants a spicy sequel/one shot for matsukawa i’m open to the idea 👀👀 let me know in my inbox!

Ushijima Wakatoshi 

Ushijima definitely knows you’re into anime + games

Having visited your dorm room on multiple occasions he’s seen your extensive collection of manga, anime posters and you always seem to be playing on your switch whenever you have free time

Of course, he notices a significant portion of your collection is centered on male characters 

And you’ve definitely mentioned a few games to him - Ikemen Sengoku, Code:Realize, Hakuouki (wow i’m really out here exposing myself) etc. 

He doesn’t really mind though? Like - at the end of the day these are 2D men, whereas he is a very real boyfriend 

At least he thinks he doesn’t mind

Recently, he notices that you seem to be on your phone a lot, and you seem to be texting the same group chat very often

He asks why and you laugh - it’s not actual text messages you’re just trying out a new otome/simulation game called Mystic Messenger. He finds the name silly but he just brushes it off he’s definitely J E A L O U S

Until one day he walks into your room while you’re calling one of your friends to freak out about that specific game

You sound kind of teary from outside the door “Oh MY GOD OH MY GOD I GOT THE GOOD ENDING WITH JUMIN!” and “[friend name] I THINK I CAN DIE HAPPY I’M MARRIED TO JUMIN HAN WHAT MORE DO I NEED IN LIFE” and “HE’S SO FREAKING ATTRACTIVE UGH I AM BLESSED”

He’s like who TF is Jumin and immediately bursts into your room looking pissed off

Poor babie is all like “you’re married?” and “if you had someone else you were interested in you should have told me.” “Who is this Jumin Han???” 🧐

Oh my god you start cackling, but you manage to tell him that NO you are not married and that Jumin Han is a fictional character from the game you’re playing

Ushijima looks confused after you explain - why would you find fictional men attractive when you’re already dating him? 

Tendou almost dies laughing the next day when Ushijima tells him about what happened

Oikawa Tooru

Since practice finishes pretty late he usually goes to see you at your house at night, but tonight things wrapped up earlier - he’s excited to spend more time with you

You’ve finished up most of your homework so you’ve just been rewatching Attack on Titan since you’re super excited for the new season 

You’re kinda distracted/have headphones on so you don’t hear your boyfriend knock on the front door. Your mom answers it and lets him in and he climbs the stairs

He can hear your fangirling (freaking out) over something as he walks towards your room

You jump in surprise when he opens the door, because you thought he would be a bit later but immediately release your pent up excitement

“Tooru just LOOK at him he’s such a bad ass like oh my gosh he literally has swords and he’s still running around slaying the MPs who have guns. God whenever he gets angry he looks so hot,” etc. etc. 

You’re shoving your laptop in his face, showing him gifs and video of attack on titan, specifically the captain of the survey corps that you are obsessed with

Tooru gets it - for him its space, shitty alien films and astronomy. For you it’s video games and anime - or more specifically, handsome characters from said franchises

Even though he understand that it’s something you’re passionate about he still makes a whole show about whining how you’re in love with Levi Ackerman (lmao i still thirst over our favorite captain) instead of him

“y/n i’m taller than him! And more handsome! He has blood on him all the time! And he’s super annoying because he’s obsessed with cleaning.” *cue pouty Tooru*

You probably shouldn’t tell him that you are an avid follower of the levi x reader tag on tumblr 

Tooru still somehow finds out you’re also reading reader insert fanfic and goes BERSERK with his pouting and whining - literally everyone and their mothers have heard his sob story about how “his darling y/n is leaving me for a short germaphobic asshole” 

The rest of the team finds it hilarious - the end up pranking him by posting pictures of Levi in his school locker or texting them in the volleyball groupchat (Oikawa is Suffering™)

Makki and Mattsun get him a Levi keychain for his birthday and cackle when he chucks it violently into the nearest trash can 

Miya Atsumu

Doesn’t really know you’re into anime/gaming at first

I don’t think that’s on purpose - Atsumu just has such a one track mind when it comes to volleyball and he’s always busy with practice

so he just kinda doesn’t really give all the anime merch in your room a second glance even though it’s a dead giveaway

I bet Atsumu secretly watches some superhero anime - probably shounen stuff like My Hero Academia, one punch man etc. 

He probably starts to notice you’re into anime/games because you’ll play games on your phone/gaming device all the time 

One day he notices you’re giggling + blushing while looking at your screen. He’s curious to he heads over to you when coach says they can have a break

Peeks over your shoulder because he wants to know what you’re playing - but instead he’s greeted by some 2D samurai guy called Harada Sanosuke asking you to marry him 

“Huh, I didn’t know you were into this kinda stuff y/n” tries to sound playful but internally he is screaming / ?????? WOT I DIDN’T KNOW MY S/O WAS INTO OTOME GAMES

Atsumus pretty chill about it at first, he probably teases you a lot about playing the game but isn’t really bugged about it

“Maybe you should thirst over your boyfriend instead of a fictional character babe~”

I mean - he knows he’s attractive and why be jealous? You only really play the game when he’s busy and you don’t really let the game play seep into your dates/hangouts

But one time he walks in on you reading some ~spicy~ hakuouki x reader fanfic and he’s like are u serious

Like you were lowkey quiet screaming to yourself and muttering “omg omg omg” when he walked in and you definitely tried to close your laptop so he couldn’t see what was open in your browser

Too bad Atsumu has mad reflexes and manages to prevent you from making your computer go to sleep

Briefly skims whatever it was that you were reading and smirks at you 

“Hey, if you really want something like this, why don’t you let your real boyfriend deliver” before kissing you

Matsukawa Issei

Look, Issei just wants a chill movie/tv show night where the two of you can bundle up on the couch and binge whatever anime you feel like

Has everything set up - this man is ready to go: snacks? he has all of your favorites, couch? filled with soft pillows + multiple pillows. Attire? Comfy sweatpants shirtless 🥵

Last time he chose the series for your binge sleepover so he let you choose what the two of you were gonna watch this time 

Turns out you decided to watch Psycho-Pass - it seemed like a pretty cool show, he was down with the whole dystopia/psychological concept

Starts out pretty normal, is appreciating the action + mystery elements and is glad that you chose that show 

About halfway through the anime you two decide to take a break - he goes to the kitchen to refill your snacks, leaving to stretch you back.

When he comes back with more food, he notices that you’re hunched over your phone, typing something

He sneaks up behind you after he puts the food down, “Whatcha reading there babe?” You squeak and try to hide your phone, but not before he sees the words kougami x reader typed into your tumblr search bar

Lit-rally exCuSE me what - he’s not mad (more amused than anything else) but he also kind wants to tease you (bc Mattsun is a little shit) 

“Is that the reason you wanted to watch this show?” he asks playfully. “He’s pretty hot tho, I kinda agree with you there babe.” 

Now that he’s released the floodgate, he can’t stop your occasional comments like “omg how does he look so GOOD when he’s punching someone” or “he could shoot me with his dominator and i’d still say thank you” 

The thirst comments are kinda getting to him, so he decides to take things in a different direction

“Let me what I can show you with my dominator~” L M A O I’M SORRY THIS EXISTS

Suddenly you’re being pulled onto his lap, and pressed against his bare chest, Issei barely gives you time to adjust before he’s kissing you roughly, tongue plunging into your mouth

His hands wrap around your hips pressing your core closer to his own, and you can feel his hard-on pressing into your stomach 

He’ll be sure to suck a dark hickey onto the side of your neck and his hands travel under your shirt, just to remind you who your real boyfriend is 

Needless to say, you won’t remember a single thing about the second half of the show after the night is over couch sex? Couch sex 😏

general taglist: @bokutokoutaroo @sneezefiction

[rosenburg-lia]

What Does One Even Do?

WHAT? —  Lia has Vanessa over to discuss her situation.

WHEN? —   saturday night, april 4th

TRIGGERS? —  pregnancy

FEATURING —  Vanessa Montgomery ( @thevmontgomery ) mentions of Drew Torres and Tori Santamaria

lia: I cant be a mom, I barely even know how to take care of myself. One of the thoughts that swirled through Lias brain over the last hour. Still sat on the side of the bathtub, the pregnancy test laid on the sink. Her elbow resting on her knee as her focused trained on a specific spot on the floor. Her only move since she had seen the test was to grab her phone and text Vanessa. How the fuck does one even begin to take care of a kid? Taking a deep breath as she stood on shaky legs, collecting the test and her phone as she walked out of the bathroom. She couldnt even grab her usual vices to deal with the anxiety raking her body. Her body felt almost empty, her mind filled to the brim, but as she sat on the couch, wrapping herself in a ball, her hands instinctively fell to her stomach.

Vanessa: It was like her mind got a jump start reading Lia's message. Most of her messages went unnoticed, read, but unnoticed. There wasn't any reason she felt the need to see or speak to everyone all things considering, but Vanessa couldn't leave Lia at a time like this. Vanessa remembered going through all this alone. She remembered staring at the test, having no idea who to call and sitting in a dark room for days by herself. Vanessa wasn't going to let Lia go through that. As soon as she reached Luke and Lia's apartment, she moved straight through the house, finding Lia immediately and wrapping her arms around the girl. Was it for her comfort or the other girl's? It didn't matter, they both needed someone right now.

lia: she allowed herself to be engulfed by vanessa. the tears already falling from her eyes as she felt her arms around her. "I fucked up V," She choked out, "I cant be a mom," She spoke, glancing up to meet her gaze. She was grateful she had Vanessa in her life, even in whatever drama she was going through that made her leave town, she was still there when Lia needed her. But it would take some time for Lia, nothing was processing just feeling like facts floating through the air.

Vanessa: "you didn't fuck up, Lia," vanessa replied softly. it was all flushing back to her remembering this moment for herself. distraught on the floor feeling time collapsing. vanessa rubbed her friend's back, trying to provide whatever comfort she could bring. "we're going to get through this okay? together, i'm not going to let you do this alone."

liaa: "yea i did," She mumbled, her mind flashing through the memories of what shed done. Her night with Drew, telling Tori and subsequently losing her for now, and now this. "I cant let you say that without knowing the whole story," She sighed running her fingers through her hair. "The father is Drew," She spoke softly, "And I dont know what the fuck to do.."

Vanessa: it took everything in vanessa to pull herself together. she took a deep breath, "look, drew is an idiot, but he's gone through this before and i promise you he's going to do the right thing when you tell him, but i'm telling you you're going to have to tell him. you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't." she paused, feeling a little choked up about her own situation. vanessa stood up, and grabbing her friend's hand to sit on the tub rail. "we're going to go to the doctor and confirm how far along you are, but listen no impulsive thinking, no drinking, no smoking, no sleeping around, /nothing/."

liaa: her brows scrunched together at vanessas words, "What do you mean hes been through this before?" A sigh as she listened to her words, "I know, I plan on telling him. I will tell him," She paused before mumbling out, "eventually," Her eyes meeting vanessas as she spoke, nodding with her words, "I know, Im really sad too because I picked up a nice eighth," She chuckled, "Kidding...sort of," She sighed, "Im not sleeping around V, I never really have. Im taking this seriously, gonna read all the books and articles. Figure out my choices,"

liaa: "I dont even want to think about how Ill look pregnant, let alone if I have a kid," She spoke, "But I need to know everything, ya know?"

Vanessa: looked down, knowing she had to tell Lia eventually, after all that was the whole reason she came here. "At the end of Freshman year, I found out I was pregnant. He was there for me like with everything. He drove me to all my doctors appointments, let me stay over his place whenever my father got too much, even went on 2 am runs for me to get chinese and crap. And god, did that boy love my son with all his heart," she paused, her voice growing a little weak, but forcing some strength once she looked back to Lia. "He did right by me and he didn't even have to. With you, he's gonna give you and that baby the world if you let him," Vanessa explained. "We don't have to worry about any of that right now. What we need to worry about is you."

liaa: Her eyes widened, but she stayed silent, her brain did not however. The dots connecting in her head when Drew would disappear at times, realizing it was to go visit vanessa, to support her. A fond smile coming to her face as she thought about the boy, even as a best friend, he had been in dad mode from the jump. A part of her feeling warm knowing he wouldnt shove her away, or at least she hoped. "Im scared. Not worried, or nervous. But scared," She spoke, "Its terrifying to know that this has been growing in me, that someone is in there. Not just my organs anymore. I cant just go buckwild when I want because I want. My whole life is getting twisted V,"

Vanessa: "Come on, Li," Vanessa spoke softly. She wasn't going to let her friend be down on herself. She offered her hand out, "I'm gonna do for you what I wish someone would have done for me." Vanessa walked slowly, leading the girl back towards Lia's room and guiding her towards her bed. "Get in. Right now it's the size of a lima-bean at best. All this worrying is going to hurt you more than worrying will hurt the bean."

liaa: She smiled softly, taking her hand, following her through the apartment to her room. "V, its not my place, but did everyone know about your pregnancy? Or just drew?" She asked, "I dont think I want everybody, even the close ones, knowing," pulling the covers of her bed up, curling into them as she laid in the bed. "Ive grown up on worry, I think I can survive,"

Vanessa: pulled out her phone, her home screen showing a photo of Rocky and Vanessa sitting by a Christmas tree with matching smiles that took up their whole faces. "Drew's the only person who knew he was my son for a really long time, like almost three years now. Everyone else just assumed he was my little brother," she explained. "You only have to tell who you want to. I didn't even tell the father until a few months ago. Everyone isn't entitled to your life," she added. Vanessa laid in bed besides her friend, hoping that she was somehow helping. "You've gotta more than survive now."

liaa: Lia smiled as she saw the photo, "Hes adorable V," Listening as Vanessa spoke, her heart warming at the thought of Drew and Rocky interacting. "Im sure youre a great mom," She spoke softly, "Is Dallas the dad? Or did timelines overlap?" She asked, raising a brow, her tone void of all judgment and just interested in the part of her best friend she didnt know. "Why did it have to be Drew? Why couldnt it be Owen or Luke? Did God just wanna send a big fuck you my way? Want to ruin my relationship with Tori?" She sighed, "Or was it karma for not being honest with T from the gun? About everything.."

Vanessa: 's head dropped. She wasn't going to worry Lia about everything going her tragic motherhood. She wasn't a great mother, but that wasn't something she wanted to get into now. "Overlap," Vanessa said lowly. "Hence, me not telling the father until just a while ago." She knew it was wrong and saying it out loud made it all sound ghetto and fucked up, but that was her life. "Drew is not the worst person to have as your baby's father. Luke and Owen are not promised to step up, Drew will," Vanessa explained. "Have you told Tor he's the father yet?"

liaa: She nodded, "Thats fair, and at least you didnt have to lie to someone and or tell them you were wrong or something," She shrugged, "I didnt say he was, thats the issue. Hes perfect, the type to step up and actually support your decisions," She scoffed lightly, "She didnt even hear me out about sleeping with him, I dont think i can ever tell her im pregnant V," Looking at her friend with sad eyes, "It was like she was looking through me after I said it. I dont ever wanna see that look from her again,"

Vanessa: "I don't really wanna talk about Rocky's father if that's okay with you," Vanessa replied, not going too much into the subject. Her son was a sore spot for Vanessa, but the father situation was a whole different kind of pain. "Lia... You don't have to have this baby, you know that right?" Vanessa replied, her words slow so they could actually sink in. "I'm not on anyone's side! But you did sleep with her ex, you couldn't have expected her to just be calm and take that news like a champ. There's very few exes she cares about and you knew Drew was one of them..."

liaa: "Not a problem," She spoke with a nod. She knew better than to try and push Vanessa to talk about whats going on in her head. Turning towards her, a small smile, "I know. Im planning on looking at all options, even the ones that not everyone agrees with," A small shrug following her words, before she went silent. Listening to V speak, knowing she was more than correct in her words. "Its not that I expected her to be calm, but at least hear me out. She just defensive and harsh, which is fair, but i did expect some conversation about it," A small sigh as she ran her fingers through her hair, "its not like I meant to sleep with him V. I didnt hang out with him that night intending to see what his dick looked like, it just happened," Shaking her head lightly, "And I know its not an excuse, but its the truth. It wasnt planned, it wasnt like we ever intended on doing it. The plan was to be friends. Nothing more, nothing less, and now here we are,

Vanessa: "When have you ever known Tori to be much of a talker?" Vanessa replied playfully, shaking her head. "Okay ew! He's my best friend. I really really don't wanna talk about his dick! Whatever reason you had for hanging out with him is your business, but you've got to know that something was going to come from it. Drew too, but look we're not going to worry about that right now. Right now you need to get some sleep. All this worrying and back and forth isn't going to make this easier on you or really anyone involved."

liaa: "We've always been friends V, chaos comes to both of us, its enjoyable together," She shrugged, "I had never planned on being anything with him /after/ he got with Tori," She spoke, "All I know how to do is worry, especially when everything seems to be falling apart at the seams," It was true, everything she had known, was crumbling around her. Leaving her by herself in the storm, hanging onto Vanessa for dear life. "I just want it to be easier, but it wont be. And I know that,"

Vanessa: "You just gotta give her time, but you've also gotta be okay with the fact that she might never forgive you either," Vanessa explained, as much as she didn't want to think it would happen––Vanessa knew her best friend. "Whatever you decide to do, you know I'm gonna be by your side," Vanessa replied, interlocking her had with Lia's. "I wish I could tell you things are going to be easier, I really wish I could," she added softly. She'd be lying to saying anything about it, Vanessa knew /not/ knowing was always the easiest part. "It won't get better, you'll get better."

liaa: "I know, and I accept that. As much as it hurts, I know that she has that right. I betrayed her trust," She shrugged, "But shes always been there, i hate thinking about her not being here," A smile as she felt Vs hand in hers, "I appreciate you so much. For not judging more, or at least expressing it, and for being here. I know youve gone through something recently, and we dont got to talk about it. But it means something to me that your here right now," She spoke, an honest tone in her voice. "But youd be lying," She nodded, "Ive been told that for a while now. Seems like false hope,"

Vanessa: "Don't beat on yourself too much. We both know our girl can be a little dramatic," Vanessa explained. The last thing she wanted to do was be in the middle of this with all her closest friends involved, but Vanessa knew that everyone would be at each other's throats if she didn't stick her nose in it. "Lia, I got pregnant at 14 and became a teen mom at 15, I'm the last person who is ever going to judge you," Vanessa said softly, brushing a strand of hair out of Lia's face. "You know I'd be here for you baby, *but* if you do this dumb shit with Dallas I will put nair in your shampoo," Vanessa teased, wanting to lighten the situation. "You know I got you, pumpkin," she added, resting besides Lia.

liaa: "We all can be, and thats the real issue," She joked, "we all are dramatic bitches and most of the time it works for us," She knew that calling V automatically put her in the middle. It wasnt her intention, she genuinely just needed the girl. "I hope you know I understand if you decide being a part of all this drama is to much. I wouldnt be mad," She spoke, a small shrug at the end of her words, "Youre a strong person V. I know a lot of people dont tell you that, or praise you on other things. But going through what you did at that age, its tough for me now, i cant imagine three years ago," A small smile at Vanessas touch, "I would never with Dallas, hes like a big brother," She chuckled, "Can I admit something to you?" Her eyes turning to find Vanessa in the small light her side lamp gave off.

Vanessa: "I'm not dramatic! I'm just use to a certain lifestyle and anything outside that will be met with outing and tears," Vanessa joked back. She was going to be involved whether Lia called or not. "If you hadn't had called me, one of them would have." Drew would have called or even Tori. Somehow Vanessa always found out. Her head dropped somewhat, a long breath following before looking back to Lia. She didn't feel all too strong, the compliment falling somewhat on deaf ears. "Yeah, what is it?"

liaa: "Yea, not dramatic at all," She spoke sarcastically shaking her head lightly. "You arent wrong," She shrugged lightly, before her hand came up to play with my necklace. "Remember that guy i was into before tori and drew got together?" She questioned, turning slightly to look at V.

Vanessa: "Luke?" Vanessa asked raising an eyebrow. "Or does this have to do with those nice little Tiffany's necklaces you have for each day of the week?"

liaa: She chuckled lightly, "Ive always been into Luke, but its more of a sexual attraction than romantic i think," A small shrug, "And the necklaces are a whole different story for a different time," She rolled her eyes teasingly, "But seriously, again, youre the first person im admitting this to," She spoke before a deep sigh, "The guy was Drew, I had feelings for Drew. But then he got with Tori, and I distanced myself. Allowing the feelings to leave so they could be happy,"

Vanessa: "Plus Fiona would have your head if you tried anything that resembled a serious relationship," Vanessa teased. Her mouth dropped open wide, shockingly surprised at Lia's confession, though if Vanessa was using all her brain cells she could have known. "Amelia Jane Rosenburg!"

liaa: "Bitch I can take Fiona Coyne, shes not as big and bad as she pretends," She chuckled lightly, but knew that there was truth lingered within her words. No one that ends up with Luke or Fiona will compare to them for each other, and Lia wasnt gonna compete with that. "I know I know! But I did the right thing! I wasnt a bitch about it!"

Vanessa: "She will literally /buy/ you! Shit, I'd let her buy me if it weren't for her brother being the hotter Coyne," Vanessa joked. "Plus you can't fight people like Fiona Coyne, they press charges and then run to their men acting like you beat them or something then Luke's just gonna end up mad at you." She would never understand the girl's desire with the eldest Baker, but then again Vanessa's conquests never made sense either. "Did he know?"

liaa: "Yea yea yea, ive been told," She rolled her eyes, "I want to fight her. Ive wanted to for a while, not even because of whatever the fuck the relationship between me and Luke is. Shes just not a good person to me," She shrugged, "I dont think he did considering he tried to console me when it was brought up one day,"

Vanessa: "You're not fighting anyone," Vanessa replied, rolling her eyes playfully. "Do you want to be with him still? Like forget the bean in your belly and Tori, do you actually want to be with Drew?"

liaa: "I want to fight someone, but i can not right now," She spoke, a small shrug. Her eyes looking at the ceiling a she thought over vanessas question. "Yes," She answered, "Hes amazing V, in every sense. Sure hes made some dumb choices, we all have, but god that kid has a heart of gold," A sense of honesty in her tone as she spoke, "He makes the hard seem easy just by coexisting with me if I need him. Hes always willing to distract me or talk shit out with me. When weve gone out hes fought dudes for me because they cant take no," She chuckled lightly, "I want it V, i really really want it,"

Vanessa: "Then you know what you need to do," Vanessa nodded. She knew this was going to be a ride if they were to actually get together, but if Lia was happy Tori would have to come around at some point right? "My mama use to say everything's going to be okay in the end, if it's not okay.. it's not the end."

liaa: "I need to run to alaska and change my name," She spoke with an affirming head nod. Smiling at her words, "Your mom seems like a smart lady. My mom is a cunt," She shrugged with a small chuckle, "Can we just cuddle and sleep? Im done thinking about this,"

[toshis-puppycat]

Dreamscape Part One

Masterlist

It was a new day, your father was driving you to your campus. You were starting a new semester at college. Correction, you were starting a new semester at a university. And your dad agreed to have you move out and get your own space on campus, so long as your grades didnt drop and visited when you weren't busy studying. You jumped at the opportunity leaving the house, you loved your dad but it was difficult to grow and flourish like your peers did while living with him. Your father parked the car at the apartment complex you'd finally be moving into that day.

"Now honey, remember to call" your father sighed, looking at you fondly. "I guess you dont have to remember to call now, you're gonna be living here!" Your dad said, you could hear the twinge of sadness in his tone. You knew it was hard on your father.

"Papa it's not like I'm gonna forget you and mama." You stated, your voice cracking. You loved your dad, seeing him worry like this made you worry for him too. He sighed and looked forward to your building. 

"Just be safe, alright? I I don't want my daughter getting hurt trying to make a living for herself." He says.

"I wont papa, remember I'll fight anyone." You joked, although it wasn't too truthful. You would in fact fuck up anyone who messed with you, but you didn't know anything past the simple defense training that your father was able to teach you when you were younger. 

"I haven't said this much, but sweetheart. Im very proud of you." Your father said, he turned towards you tears in his eyes. You felt yourself tear up too.

"Thank you papa." You choked out. You two had a good cry after that, then you were finally able to move your things into the apartment your father got for you. He said he didn't want you worrying too much for renting and that he'd cover all those expenses for you as long as you were smart about everything else. He said he wouldn't worry too much about where he lived and you believed him. He was always smart with money and you knew he saved up so much money for you to be able to have a good life, especially after your mom passed away. You sighed, you missed her so much. You couldn't remember a lot of your mother, but your father was so in love with her and he was heartbroken when she passed away only bringing himself together for you to have a good life. You'd always be grateful for him. You looked at your apartment, finally furnished and looked proud. You moved out of your childhood home and into your own apartment (even if your dad was paying for it, he told you to be proud of it anyways because you still moved out and you had great grades. "You deserve it!" he said). 'I could definitely get used to this' you thought, falling into the couch and staring at the ceiling, feeling your body start to relax and your eyes began to droop. You passed out without a second thought. 

"Stanley!" You shouted, running through the village, a boy clutching your hand. He was laughing and pulling you the open meadow just outside of the area. 

"Y/n, I have to tell you something!" He yelled excitedly.

"Okay! Tell me then!" You giggled, looking at him.

"Mother and father said they'd talk to your father about me marrying you!" He yelled out, falling onto the ground, smiling up at you. You felt yourself smile back, dropping next to him. "We have to collect flowers! So you can hold them for the wedding y/n!" He said, looking over at you, adoration in his eyes. He always looked like this towards you, ever since you could walk he'd be doting over you and when you started talking it was even more so. You'd met him when you were just a babe, he was 5 years older than you but he was smitten when he'd laid eyes on you for the first time proclaiming he would marry you when the time was right. You never minded, Stanley was the sweetest boy you had ever met in your life. It wasn't like the other village boys had a chance to have your hand in the first place. 

"Okay, Stanley." You laughed out, you were happy. Laying out in a field, laughing with your best friend, what a wonderful life. 

You woke up, suddenly and shaking. You forgot to eat and your body had quite literally told you to get the fuck up. You carefully stood up and looked at your phone, 10pm. Youd eaten very little throughout the day, and now you were starving. Thank god there was a pizza place just down the block. You left without even a passing thought of the dream youd just had. 

Richard was tired, Stan was brooding too much for his tastes. Getting too pissed off and getting too ready to beat the shit out of him. He'd already had a black eye, he didn't want two. Leaving to get food was the best thing to do for all of them. There were many things he missed as the years passed by, but the suffering wasn't one of them! God the things humanity came up with! Pizza was one of his favorites that they came up with. 'Took fuckin forever for them to make it though' he angrily thought as he walked into the building 'Slice of Heaven Pizzeria'. He suddenly smelled something delicious, and it wasn't the pizza. He looked around the brightly lit area, his eyes falling on the frame of a cute girl. He could see you debating on what you actually wanted in the place and to be fair he felt the same, he liked changing it up sometimes and they put together new things all the time. But jesus, you smelled like heaven. He could practically hear the blood pumping through your veins despite him not being a fledgling anymore. He felt his fangs coming out and he felt himself hold back, something he hadn't done in centuries, since he was a fucking fledgling. You were dangerous, he could feel himself smirk. A challenge he could do for himself to prove he wasn't someone who'd just attack whoever smelled good. And damn, you smelled good. "Wow toots, you're gorgeous." He said, smiling at you as you looked at him startled. You scowled.

"Ugh, dont call me that you fuckin creep." You said, surprising yourself. You never swore at new people, especially fucking guys. He laughed.

"Alright, alright I'll admit that probably sounded fucking creepy. But like the complement was genuine." He said, he looked more sincere this time around, so you let it slide. 

"Dont be a fuckin weirdo. Girls don't like that shit. Just compliment them like a normal person." God he liked you. You were feisty.

"I'm Richie, sorry I was being creepy. Im just naturally calling people that ya know?" He said, holding his hand out to you. 

"Y/n." You said, shaking his hand. "And yeah, I get it." You replied. You probably just made a new friend, you thought smiling to yourself. Seeing Richie trip over nothing walking to the counter made you think it was a dumbass friend though. 

Two weeks later you found yourself thinking the same thing. Richie really was a giant dumbass, but he was a funny dumbass. 

"I can't believe you did that!" You yelled at him.

"You should have seen his face! He was so shocked!" He laughed out, this was a great idea, it want nearly as hard as it was the first time he'd seen you to deal with your scent. 

"Oh fuck! I completely forgot, Rich." You got serious but you had I light in your eye that he liked. "I was formally invited to a Halloween party and I would like to add you as my plus one for Saturday night." You said, in an exaggerated British accent you loved mocking him for. "You can even bring your friends, I'm sure you have more than me ya know." You finish, back the laughing mess you were before you asked him anything.

"Aw shit doll, on such short notice? Whatever will I do for a costume?" He asked, mockingly and happily. You were a great friend, he hoped the others liked you too since you wanted to meet them so bad. Unfortunately Richie did what he usually did. He fucking forgot to tell them how he reacted when he first met you.

——

A/N: Wow two whole parts out. I hope everyone enjoys, and please send whatever criticism you have or whatever you predict, who knows I might take it into consideration 😉 Thanks for reading!

[starryace]

my personal introduction to vav

so i have a few friends who’ve been wanting to get into vav but dunno where to start so... i’ll just do this lil thing. obviously there’s gonna be my own opinions so don’t take everything i say to heart but like... here we go

vav (very awesome voice -- pronounced vee-ay-vee but i say vav bc im lazy) debuted in 2015, but when they debuted they had a different lineup. zehan, xiao, and gyeoul all left to pursue other activities. ziu, lou, and ayno joined the group in 2017! the fandom is called vampz because of the groups original concept but we don’t talk about that

title tracks/mvs: *under the moonlight | *brotherhood | *no doubt | *here i am | venus (dance with me) | flower (you) | abc (middle of the night) | she’s mine | spotlight | gorgeous | give it to me | senorita | **so in love | **thrilla killa | **i’m sorry | give me more

* = pre-line up switch! | ** = without jacob (due to his participation in a chinese program)

more about the members under the cut!

st van (lee geumhyuk)

note: during updating i ended up having to redo this entire section bc my computer deleted it all... sigh.

everyone’s dad

kinda gives off party vibes, like a cool club dad, you know?

super duper soft :(( he laughs at everything and he loves gentle things and he may be the oldest but he’s babie

gets really embarrassed really easily and blushes and laughs it off

oh! he also laughs with like... his entire body ekhrbgj

tattoos! on his shoulder and right arm

full sleeve completed

self composed the track “im sorry” off of the thrilla killa album

he lived in china for 13+ years and can speak fluent (if not, almost fluent) chinese

he’s super good cook and he wanted to be a chef before becoming an idol

loves jacob :(( with all his heart

weird but he can drink a lot of water really quickly, that’s his special talent

got a dog with the group! her name is cash and she’s super cute

im sure there’s more but i got mad after my computer deleted everything so i’ll get back to updating this part when things dawn on me

baron (choi chunghyeop)

dancer extraordinaire! he actually used to be in a dance team before vav

smiley boy ;;;; literally he has the prettiest smile and the nicest teeth

he can play the piano and a lil guitar im p sure!

he’s honestly a lil shit but we love him anyway

he’s very mom like, and loves taking care of the members, but i spy with my lil eye someone a lil more mom-like but that comes later

he choreographed a cover of shape of you!

unfortunately, his mom passed away early this year (may she rest in peace).

his nickname is baby prince (from his mom) and it was because of his mom that he was able to become and idol

baron singing??? yes,,, yeS!! his voice is godsent istg

he loves loves loves music and dance

wont shut up about millennium dance studio

was the pizza delivery boy in minx’s why did you come to my home

has a very intensive skin care routine

he!! loves!! food!! constantly nomming

ace (jang wooyoung)

remember how i said how i thought there was someone more mom like? meet ace.

literally babies everyone

eSPECIALLY ayno + ziu (sometimes lou, when lou will let him)

sassy, diva, can also be a lil shit -- esp with baron... 92 line is just lil shit line

lil fucking tease, too--

he has an oral fixation-- licks his lips a lot no bueno for me

teal hair? god tier. senorita? also god tier. everything about him? god tier.

plays the guitar... see senorita

“you’re doing wonderful sweetie” but like... a living version of that

abs... abs for days..........

works out with jacob

dimples!! but it’s more prominent on the right cheek.

god he’s??? literally ethereal. like i can’t put into words how pretty he is

he ;;;; has the purest, most sweetest heart

they need to start letting ace have more lines bc omg his voice ;;;;;

really good with kids ;;;;; they love him

he’s a BIG flirt, it’s like when he opens his mouth the only thing he thinks to do is say “i love you” or “you’re mine” or smthn

Prince Wooyoung™

ayno (noh yoonho)

was on no.mercy -- still kinda keeps in contact with monsta x now (hims was lil babie minhyuk)

yknow how baron is dancer? so is ayno -- aYNO IS GOD TIER DANCER ok he ;;;;; ugh he’s literally so talented

he raps too! also god tier

hims a soundcloud rapper -- dropped zero coke (mixtape) and god that boy is talented

self composed their song touch you (aka one of my fave vav songs)

ace’s baby... really, he’s vav’s baby, but still

fake maknae to the max. it still baffles me that he’s older than the others ima list

hims also pretty shy, but it’s real cute ;;;;

lou has such a big fat crush on him and he’s always embarrassed by it

he zones out a lot and is very mellow & quiet until something inside him switches and then he’s like BAM loud and crackhead

ziu.... brings out... the crackhead in him lbr

former happyface ent trainee w/ ziu

puppy!

also really good with kids!! prolly bc he is a big kid himself erhbjeg

often writes his own raps for songs

jacob (zhang peng)

resting bitch face to the max

800% done with everyone’s shit

chinese member!

he was performing in a chinese show called all for one -- his team got eliminated (sad) but that means he’ll be returning to the group (happy!)

that’s why he wasn’t in so in love/thrilla killa/im sorry

hims loves his st van

he also eats... a lot.

ok but like... he works out with ace, right? boy has such chiseled and nicely defined abs, it pains me

he’s a happy lil sunshine boy

savage as fuck

his smile literally adds 5 years to your lifespan

all of the members miss him so much ;;;; its honestly super wholesome and every once in a while they’ll be like “omg cobi would love this” or “jacob....... we miss you”

but then you have shithead lou being like “i mean... its nice having the room to myself” wrehbjehg

he dance too! idk what type of dancing it is but he does it!!!

he was in the chinese movie “the dreamer on the catwalk”

BRING HIM BACK ATEAM PLS I MISS HIMS

HE HAS RETURNED AND HE’S STRONGER THAN EVER

lou (kim hosung)

my #1, my one and only, my precious sweetheart

tall as fUCK

has a deep ass motherfucking voice

grew up in georgia as a kid (can speak fluent english) and then the philippines when he was a teen!

kinda the more quiet & reserved member

but dont let that fool you......

he too is a lil shit

AND A CHAOTIC GAY -- ziu bothers him a lot but he has a big ol’ crush on ayno and he never shuts up about how pretty he is and how much he loves him

he can be a grouchy lil bitch too tho hkerbjeg

in this interview baron and st van were being cute and he’s just in the corner like “youuuu shouuuld daaaate” -- gay. in the same interview thats one instance where he wouldn’t shut up about ayno

hims a rapper too!! he often writes his own raps for songs (much like ayno)

his own mixtape (goodnight) literally is so nice i listen to it all the time

he has a vlive thing he does called lou-dio and it’s real cute

big ears = the cutest thing ever ehkrbgjeh

he collects a bunch of stuff!! like pop figures and toys, like souvenirs from everywhere they go

he was in the youtube webdrama “lemon car video” (eps 1, 3, 7, and 8)

his stage name is lou (pronounced “low” but i refuse to say that) because his voice is so low

ziu (park heejun)

chaotic. just chaotic. chaotic gay, chaotic maknae, chaotic man.

he’s the real maknae tho... doesn’t look it, huh?

manly af

literally so charismatic and funny as hell

wants kisses + love + attention from everyone

goes in for a kiss -- everyone else usually backs away but he’s always disappointed that no one gives into him

kisses kisses kisses

did i mention kisses?

he makes a lot of random ass noises all the time

screm... lots of screm. like you know opossums?? think that kinda screm.

his vocals ;;;;; his singing voice is so, so nice ;;; i adore it.

his room is dirty af i could NEVER

he does some really questionable things sometimes... see here.

like i said, i cannot express this enough... he’s so charismatic. so charming. so handsome.

also!! super hyper fluff ball. hims cute.

aegyo up the wazoo too

former happyface ent trainee with ayno

was in the fri.sat.sun teasers by dalshabet

can get p loud & annoying but that doesnt change how much we love him

idk if any of that made sense... but there you go! there’s so much more to vav and everything they do and who they are, so i hope this just kinda gets more people to look into them? it’s a stepping stone, not everything possible to learn.

+ keep in mind, a lot of this stuff comes from both kprofiles, what i’ve seen in videos, and my own personal opinions & inputs. so... yeah. don’t use what i say as truth/fact unless you see stuff to back it up (or you adopt it as your own opinion idk).

thank you for taking your time to read this!!

[horansqueen]

BabyGirl 10.0

NOTES:

♥ this is based on a concept i received a few weeks ago and ppl asked that i made a story with it. ♥ i planned 3-4 long parts but i think it’ll be 8-10 short parts okay more like 15 parts? lol ♥ 3.4k. fluff. ♥ there may be smut but i doubt it and IF it happens it wont be as explicit as my other smut works. ♥ i didn’t proofread and if you read my stuff you know i never do because im a lazy ass. ♥ I wrote the thing about socks without even thinking about Niall’s socks obsession (just because one of my daughters used to love socks sooo much) and then I remembered so I added something about it haha!  ♥ im so sorry it took so long, really. i will try to update quicker next time! ♥ if you have any questions please dont hesitate.

♥ PART 1  // PART 2 // PART 3  // PART 4 // PART 5 // PART 6 // PART 7 // PART 8 // PART 9

                                 10.0 SHOPPING & PRINCESS THINGS

HIM

I felt a bit disoriented when I woke up. The sun peaked through the living room windows and I could hear the tv in the background. I groaned low, sensing it was way too early to even think of getting up, but finally sighed and opened my eyes slowly. I felt someone move against me and gripped her tighter, pulling her closer to me. She let out a low whimper and it made me smile fondly. I turned my head to look at her sleeping, her mouth slightly open and her hair a mess, and it made my heart twist. A bunch of memories rushed through my mind and I brought my hand to move her hair out of her face. I could keep pretending I didn't love her, but I would just be lying to myself, and I was pretty much the only person who still believed my lies.

I let the tip of my finger slide on her jaw until her chin and it made the left corner of her lips move up. She moved her shoulder closer to her face and whimpered again, her eyes fluttering open slowly. They met mine and I smiled more as she did the same.

"Morning." she breathed, licking her lips.

"Morning." I replied just as low. "Slept well?"

She smiled more and stretched herself and for some reason, I felt suddenly endeared by the way she woke up, stretching her arms up and squirming slightly the rest of her body as a low groan escaped her lips. But It's only when she turned on the side and her arm wrapped around my chest that my heart jumped in my chest.

"Surprisingly, yes." she pointed out, looking up at me. "Your couch is amazing."

She was so close and my eyes roamed on her face, letting thoughts and memories invade me the way I never let them before. For once, I was making the choice I wanted, and not the one I knew I needed to make. I was allowing myself to go against what I thought everyone else wanted to do something I desperately needed and I was sure I wouldn't regret it for a second. I bent down slightly, brushing my lips against hers. They immediately curled and I chuckled, pressing my lips firmly on hers.

"Mommy, I'm hungry."

The voice made both of us jump and I instantly remembered the sound of the television playing when I woke up. It should have been a hint that Chelsea was awake but it simply didn't come to mind at that moment.

Her mom sat up and I did the same as she tried to comb her hair with her fingers. I was nervous, not really sure of what our daughter had heard or seen, and I cursed at myself mentally. Just yesterday, we had decided to start again but not tell Chelsea to be sure not to hurt her and the first thing we did was going against that, even if it wasn't intentional.

"Mommy!" she repeated in a whiny voice, making me raise my eyebrows.

"Chelsea." I replied without thinking. "Mommy just woke up, so give her some time okay?"

The confidence in my tone surprised everyone in the room, especially me, and I held my breath, a bit scared I would be told to mind my own business. They both stared at me, blinking a few times, and my daughter finally sighed, turning back to the television.

"Okay uncle Niall."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and turned to my girlfriend (the thought made my heart jump in my chest) who was sending me a fond smile that I quickly returned. She brought her hand to my cheek  and I felt a shiver cross my whole body when her fingertips brushed on my jaw.

"You're gonna be good at this." she whispered before getting up and walking to the kitchen.

We made toasts and eggs in silence, just moving together in my kitchen like we were used to cook together all the time. It was easy to be around her, just like it felt natural for the three of us to be under the same roof, and when we all sat at the table to eat, I started wondering when was the last time I felt that degree of happiness in my life.

Of course, there was always the shows, and the fans, and the recording, but feeling this happy in my own personal life was definitely on a different level.

"So Chelsea, you remember we're going at the mall today to buy you new clothes?"

Her face illuminated and it made me grin. I always thought kids hated shopping, especially for clothes. Clearly, it depended of the kid, and I had to stop being surprised at how special Chelsea was. I was way past thinking it was just my biased ass who imagined that she was unique. She had done nothing but surprise and endear me since day one.

"I will be able to pick dresses?" she asked in a high tone full of hope.

"Yes, of course."

"And and and hats?" she kept going. "AND SOCKS?"

The last word made me chuckle and I turned to her mother, my eyebrows raised up.

"Socks?" I mouthed, making her smile more as she nodded. "She likes socks?"

The thought of my own socks collection made my lips curl even more and i shook my head. I enjoyed discovering that we had things in common even if I didn't see her grow up. I guess it was a way for me to feel closer to her in a sense.

"But first, we have to go back home to get changed." she pointed out, taking me out of my thoughts. "We shouldn't stay in yesterday's clothes."

Chelsea nodded a bit exaggeratedly and jumped down the chair. I watched them leave to the bathroom to clean and I decided to go change too.

My room was almost cold, making a shiver run up my spine. I was happy she fell asleep in my arms on the couch and that thought made me smile. I quickly emptied my pockets, placing everything on my bedside table but held my breath when I noticed the silver heart again. I stared at it for a few seconds, swallowing the lump in my throat as the memory of it came back to my head. It was a gift for our anniversary and I made the vow to surprise her with every gift. This time, though, it was cheesy and I knew it, but I preferred to see it as romantic. I noticed she was not wearing the key that made a pair with the heart anymore and I couldn't hide that it was hurting me a bit but at the same time, I couldn't blame her for trying to forget. I put new pants on but slipped the heart in my pocket again, wondering if I should bring it up or not. I didn't have much time to think when I heard them get out of the bathroom and search for their coats.

We made a quick stop at their place and I waited for them in the car, slightly nervous about how the afternoon would go. I hadn't had a girlfriend in so long I could barely remember what it was like. That thought hit me hard and reminded me of that conversation I had with Louis, when he was looking for my watch. I meant almost everything I told him on that day, except when I said I had never been in love, but now that I had decided to try with her again, I felt completely different. It's crazy how only a few days can change everything. Or perhaps it was my daughter that changed me. Either way, I felt new, and It was a permanent change.

"Okay Chelsea, where do you want to start?"

My daughter looked around, her eyes roaming on all the stores and she pressed her lips together, moving them quickly from left to right as she pondered in silence.

"Dresses. I want to start with dresses." she affirmed with conviction, making me smile.

I was not really surprised as she seemed to have a keen interest in princess dresses and we made our way to a specific store I was not even aware existed before today. My eyebrows raised when I noticed all the pink and I slipped my hands in my pockets, playing with the small silver heart hidden in the right one. I felt out of place and I was not sure why but I simply followed them until a very specific section. Chelsea chose a few dresses to try on and when they got closer to the dressing rooms, she turned around and looked up at me.

"I want you to help me."

My girlfriend let out of a chuckle and bent down to her level to look at her.

"I don't think Niall's at ease yet." she explained kindly. "I'll help you and you can show him all the dresses you picked, is that okay?"

She stared in her mom's eyes and simply nodded before turning to me again. "I'll show you all of them!"

She rushed in a room and I let out a chuckle again at how endearing and incredible she was. They both disappeared behind the door and I waited a few minutes for them to get out. Chelsea walked out first and turned on herself as soon as she stepped out, making the bottom of her dress dance around her. It was pink with some white sparkles and my smile grew again. It only left when she turned to the mirror and I noticed the necklace she was wearing. A simple key with a purple gem laying nicely around her neck could be clearly seen on her reflection and I held my breath. I thought my girlfriend had gotten rid of it when we weren't together but she actually kept it to give it to our daughter and the gesture made me emotional. I swallowed the feelings threatening to burst out but it still invaded my whole body, bringing an unknown until now sensation inside me. I didn't know if it was love, endearment, gratitude or happiness but it felt like a mix of all of those.

"I love your necklace, Chelsea." I finally managed to let out after clearing my throat.

My girlfriend stopped moving and looked up at me in the mirror, her reflection staring at me. I couldn't quite decipher her expression but I didn't want her to feel bad about it and I sent her a fond smile. It took her a few seconds but her traits eventually softened and she smiled back at me with a relieved sigh.

"Thank you!" Chelsea answered, making my gaze move down. "It's from my daddy!"

My heart twisted in my chest and I swallowed an emotional lump for the second time. Knowing my girlfriend told our daughter about me, even without telling her who I was, made me happier than I thought it would.

After half an hour, she had picked the dress she wanted and I watched as my girlfriend took her card from her purse. I grabbed her wrist gently and her eyes met mine.

"Please, let me."

We looked intensely at each other for a while without even blinking and she nodded slowly, licking her lips. I knew that was not what she brought me here for but I wanted to do something more for my daughter, and also for her mother. I didn't know if she struggled a lot or not, but I knew it hadn't been easy on her and I was ready to do my part and help in any way I could.

My girlfriend bent down and told Chelsea something but her voice was too low for me to hear. When we walked out, my daughter turned to me with a huge smile.

"Thank you uncle Niall!" she let out a bit too loud. "I will think about you every time I wear it!"

At that point, what really hit me was not how polite she was, or how grateful she seemed to be that I paid for her dress. What hit me was how bad I wanted her to call me 'daddy" instead of 'uncle'. I wanted her to know I was her father, and that I was sorry for being absent all those years. I wanted to tell her that I loved her even if I didn't know her, or even that she was alive. I wanted her to see me like a daughter sees her father. I didn't just want her to know that she had a father that loved her, I wanted her to know it was me, and that in only a fraction of second, she had became my world and would be forever my priority from now on.

I swallowed an other lump of emotions and simply grinned.

"You're welcome, princess." I bowed down low enough. "I'm honored."

HER

Watching them interact was more amazing every time. There was a bond forming between them and seeing it tighten in front of me was incredible. I almost felt like I didn't belong and although I loved spending time alone with Niall, being the three of us together brought me a kind of happiness I hadn't felt before.

We kept following Chelsea through the mall, checking the stores she was interested in and refusing to buy every single thing she asked me whenever we entered a new place. The dress was a gift but she really needed new pants and t-shirts. It took a long time to pick tops and bottoms that actually matched when we finally left the last store, Niall and I were not only exhausted but also a bit annoyed by all the shopping we had made. On the other hand, Chelsea still had a lot of energy. We stopped for fast food and when we were about to walk out of the restaurant, Niall stopped by a small vending machine. Chelsea and I stopped too and walked back to him as I frowned. He put a few coins in it and turned the handle. We watched as something fell and he bent down to grab it, opening it quickly and handing it to our daughter.

Her face seemed to illuminate and he got down on one knee, smiling to her. I couldn't help but feel endeared by the scene in front of me. I knew what kind of boyfriend Niall was, but I didn't know what kind of father he could be. I now realized that he was just as adorable.

"A princess deserves a pretty ring, don't you think?"

She smiled and nodded as he took the plastic ring and grabbed her hand, slipping it on her middle finger. The ring was slightly too loose but it didn't seem to bother Chelsea at all. Her lips curled as much as they physically could and she finally threw herself into Niall's arms. He seemed surprised at first but he took her into a warm embrace and closed his eyes.

"Thank you."

Her voice was low, almost a whisper, and it was surprising I even heard it. Niall smiled more, his eyes still closed, and at that exact moment, I realized something. I always thought Chelsea needed a father. It was in the way she asked me about him, and how it seemed to be something missing in her life. But as I watched Niall interact with her and giving her all the love she deserved, I realized that he needed her just as much as she needed him. Maybe more, even.

"You're welcome my princess."

The fact that I denied him four years of this made me feel even more guilty and I held my breath, trying to calm the erratic beatings of my heart. If only I could go back in time...

It kept bothering me through the whole day, and the feeling of culpability became harsher by the minute. It had never really left me since the day we saw Niall again but now that I was completely aware of all the wrongs I did and pain I caused, it was even worse. I kept both of them from so much love and happiness with each other through these years and I clearly would never forgive myself for it. I knew Niall would never forgive me either and It took me all my strength not to start crying. Would Chelsea ever forgive me? She probably wouldn't be mad at me when she'll find out but in a few years, she'll be able to understand exactly what I did and thinking about my own daughter hating me was something that scared me more than I thought it would.

I kept quite until we were sitting in Niall's kitchen once again. I played with my food, not feeling hungry at all, while Niall and Chelsea were having a discussion. He was telling her about his socks collection and she excitedly asked to see it. I stopped listening to them, lost in my thoughts, and jumped slightly when I heard my name.

"Are you okay, love?"

Chelsea laughed and I looked up, watching as Niall's eyes moved to her.

"What makes you laugh, Chels?"

"You called her 'love'" she pointed out, making a small smile form on my lips. "That means you love her."

She was still young and didn't really understand it was a simple nickname and that Niall used it with many people. The nuances were not as obvious for her as they were for us. I chuckled low but remained silent, curious to find out how Niall would get out of this one. I knew he was very good at twisting things around to be sure he wouldn't have to answer a question he didn't like. I leaned my elbow on the table, placing my chin in my hand, and stared at him.

"Maybe I do, Chelsea." he simply said. "In fact, I do love her."

I held my breath, my heart now beating so hard against my rib cage I felt like it was going to just fly out. My brain had a hard time processing his words and my lips parted slightly in shock.

"And I also love you, Chelsea."

I blinked a few times, trying to get back to my senses and inhaled deeply, turning to look at my daughter who was smiling.

"I love you too, uncle Niall."

He brought his hand to her cheek and caressed it gently before raising his eyebrows and pointing her plate with his chin.

"Are you done?"

She nodded slowly and yawned, rubbing her eyes with a sigh. It took me all my strength to move but I finally got up and turned Chelsea's chair my way.

"Bed time, we had a long day."

"Nooooo! I want to watch a movie!" she whined.

It would normally make me smile but I was too startled to be completely normal. I knew it would take me a few minutes to let everything that just happened sink in and I was barely aware of what I was doing.

"It's late. You can watch a movie tomorrow." I pointed out. "Do you want to sleep here again tonight?"

Chelsea seemed to think and finally nodded just as Niall got up too, his chair making an annoying noise.

"I'll put her to bed if you want."

Our daughter rushed to him and threw herself in his arms, making him laugh. I looked up and our eyes met. He sent me a fond smile and I felt my heart melt and my lips curl. I had so many questions that needed immediate answers, so many thoughts I wanted to share, and so many memories that rushed back to my brain.

"Yea, thank you."

He winked at me and I smiled more. I remained motionless, standing in the middle of the kitchen, a bit overwhelmed by everything that had happened in the past few days. I kept wondering if he meant what he had said a few minutes earlier and if he did, what exactly did it imply? In the end, I just shook my head. Niall loved me, that's what he said. And I loved him, I never stopped. There was nothing to process or comprehend. I let the truth flood my insides and swallowed hard as tears invaded my eyes. Even in my wildest dreams, I hadn't allowed my imagination to go that far.