#i think my maladaptive daydreaming is worsening too. like id rather live there than here
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hm
#i feel. weird#not bad not good not even in the middle#just.something completely separate from all of it#thinking abt people who used to be so close to me and then all of a sudden just stopped talking to me#and seeing social media and stuff where theyre just. Existing and Enjoying their lives despite that#ive always felt really temporary and i think i relied on it too much as a coping mechanism for my depression#like if somethings bad then hey it wont be forever. but if a situation is too good i look back on shit like ex friendships and be like#well this wont last either so dont sweat it!#im truly just ambling through my life believing that no situation that im in will ever be permanent. and i just feel numb from it all#like i want to be happy and i want to go out and have fun but. a lot of this just seems to stack up against me a prove that its all futile#and i just feel so small and lost. i look around at people i know irl and see them out there living fulfilling lives and being happy#and i feel like im not meant to have that kind of existence. because whenever i do the people always leave at their earliest convenience#i think my maladaptive daydreaming is worsening too. like id rather live there than here#and my real life is just so bland and dull that if i could fall asleep and dream forever i would because i can lucid dream#so i could be whoever i want and make everyone happy#ive just felt really numb these past few months. like so much time has passed but it just feels like one continuous day cycle#i suppose im envious. of how much people can commit to their own lives and not feel embarrassed or ashamed#and how people can just talk about their emotions.#but i feel like ive been pigeonholed into being the responsible aloof one#because i dont wear my heart on my sleeve people just assume i get over everything. but i really dont#i either obsess over stupid minute details for literal years or i just shut out the situation if i can convince myself that i cant feel bad#i really hate how my brain works. yet i cant help but pride myself on my pragmatism because i think its the thing thats kept me alive#i suppose i cling to the idea that im aloof because its all i have that defines me that im sure of.#idk what im saying at this point. I just feel weird#oh and you dont need to worry about asking me if im okay or anything. its late at night and im contemplating things is all.#also i commend you if you managed to read this half assed philosophical drivel lmao
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