#i think my body is beginning to adapt to my tendency to stay awake for 50+ hours at a time

[kayzero]

you know what i think i need? for zwg motivation? i need an Empassioned Discussion about some aspect of The 45 Years. i need someone who is passionate and excited about the timeloop that Sigma gets trapped in—that he traps himself in, and honestly, isn’t the whole thing a fucking bootstrap paradox?—i need someone who is excited about the three years he spends with Diana and how that’s apparently impactful enough that he builds a gynoid in her image and then programs her to love him? SigDi is bad and so are its consequences and implications, the only good thing that comes out of SigDi is Luna, who is Best Girl.

but like. i need to talk to someone about those 45 years. i need an outside opinion on the decades Sigma spends in total isolation, his only point of contact being Akane, who is Very Busy with earthbound Brother stuff and also maybe stalking Junpei? was that hc of mine based in any sort of fact or do i just like writing the most toxic junepei possible

i wanna talk to someone about some fuckin logistics. like, CLEARLY Sigma learned Biomed first in the three years he has with Diana, but what comes after that? does he start studying terraforming and agriculture so he can make a garden so beautiful Diana could enjoy it from the afterlife? does ztd show us that Diana is similarly enthralled with plant life as Luna? is Luna’s love for the B Garden organic or a result of how Sigma thinks Diana would react to his efforts?

YOU KNOW WHAT

SPEAKING OF LUNA

I Need To Talk To Someone About How Luna Is Diana-Model-Number-Sixteen.

i’m still reeling from that realization and i DMed Miss Beta with this exact same thought

uh. checking. — on July Eleventh.

and i am STILL REELING. a MONTH AND A HALF LATER.

so yeah, i’m a Vibes Vampire, i feed off of other people’s excitement and use that to fuel my imagination and thus my motivation for creative pieces.

i need to feed off of someone’s love for vlr. i need a Sigma Enjoyer.

[covahno]

You - Part 2

[NSFW ART]

by COVAHtk

Description: A girl (you) with an overpowered cursed technique but plagued by her *cough* slut tendencies and impulsiveness attempts to become a powerful sorcerer, but will her behavior hinder that?

Status: Ongoing

Other: Yuji Itadori x fem/reader, story contains smut, fight scenes, dark humor, smau.

The next day, your training intensifies as Gojo pushes you all to your limits. Each session is designed to test your skills, endurance, and ability to adapt under pressure. You find yourself growing more comfortable with your curse technique, but there is still much to learn. During a break, you find yourself chatting with Megumi Fushiguro. His calm and composed demeanor contrasts sharply with the intensity of the training. "How are you holding up, Y/N?" Megumi asks, his tone gentle but probing. "It's challenging," you admit, "but I feel like I'm improving. Everyone here is so skilled; it's inspiring." Megumi nods, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth. "You'll get there. Just remember, it's not just about raw power. Control and strategy are just as important." His words resonate with you, and you find yourself reflecting on them during the next training session. Gojo pairs you up with Nobara Kugisaki for some hand-to-hand combat practice. Nobara's fiery personality make her a intimidating opponent, and you quickly realize that you'll need to think on your feet to keep the fight fair and seem equal to avoid contempt.

"Don't go easy on me," Nobara warns with a smirk as you both take your positions. "I wouldn't dream of it," you reply, a smile on your face. The sparring match is fast, with Nobara launching a flurry of attacks that keep you on your toes. You dodge and counter, your movements becoming more fluid and precise.

As the match progresses, you begin to notice patterns in Nobara's attacks. Using the advice you gained from Megumi, you start to anticipate her moves without letting your technique do all the work, dodging and countering with increasing confidence but my technique still fighting against my small mistakes causing my style to look un natural. The match ends in a draw, both of you panting and smiling as you shake hands. "Not bad, Y/N," Nobara says, her eyes sparkling with approval. "You've got potential." "Thanks, Nobara," you reply, feeling a surge of pride. "You were amazing." The camaraderie and mutual respect among the students make the rigorous training sessions more bearable. Each day, you feel yourself growing stronger, not just in terms of your curse technique, but also in your confidence and sense of belonging. As the sun sets on another day of training, Gojo gathers everyone for a team meeting. His demeanor is unusually serious, and you can sense that something important is about to happen.

"Tomorrow, we're going on a special mission," Gojo announces, his gaze sweeping across the group. "This will be a real test of your abilities. You'll need to work together and stay focused. Remember, the goal is not just to defeat the curse, but to come back safely." You feel excitement and apprehension at his words. This will be your first real mission, and you know it will be a crucial test of everything you've learned so far. As you head back to your quarters, you can't help but feel a sense of nervousness building within you. That night, you lie awake, your mind racing with thoughts of the upcoming mission. You wonder what challenges you'll face and whether you'll be able to rise to the occasion. As sleep finally claims you, a dreams claims your mind. Your bedroom door opens and a conjured up version of yuji itadori walks in your room. you feel the out side temperature rush within the room and hit your backside causing to full turn your body in his direction. He slowly walks toward you as you ask what's he doing during this hour. As he grows closer you see the an angry expression on his face. "You like embarrassing me in front of all my friends and my sensei don't you?" "Of course n-" "You like making me look weak? You think your better then me?" "Yuji i-" "You know just because your a girl doesn't mean i cant be rough with you right?" "What's that supposed to even mean yuji?" I asked in genuine confusion. Yuji finally reaches the end of my bed and yells aggressively for me to get up. I subconsciously do as i'm told and quickly get out from under the covers and feel the rooms cold temperature punch my skin. Before I can say anything yuji grabs the collar of my shirt and pushes me against the bed. I catch my self with my hands and before im fully settled he pushes my body facing the wall. His demands are forceful and scary but I don't want him to stop. He grabs my sweatpants waist band and jerks them down to my knees exposing me. I feel his hands caress my ass and immediately grow goose bumps all over. I look back at him when I hear his zipper undo.

"he's really about to do it, he's really going to fuck me right here and right now in the middle of the night" Yuji slides my panties to the side and spits on his hands. He begins to rub my clit and the rest of my pussy sending immediate flush of ecstasy throughout my entire body. I feel his dick slap against me and all around my pussy. "Please don't tease me like that" I whisper quietly. He then puts his thick tip at the entrance and fights some natural friction before sliding right in at full force. I feel so full and I get wetter and warmer for each stroke. The clapping and moans reverberate off my small wooden walls. He grabs and yanks my hair pulling my head backward. A strong pain rushes through my body propelling me forward out of my bed. "ah man" I grunt disappointingly.

I stare out the window into the river for a few seconds gathering what I just dreamt before I remember I have a mission to get to first thing in the morning.

I throw myself out of bed, quickly put on my attire and rush out of my cabin while slightly adjusting my hair.

As you run to the dojo, you find the other students already gathered, their expressions a mix of determination and anticipation.

Gojo is there, his usual relaxed demeanor replaced with a more serious tone. He briefs the team on the details of the mission, emphasizing the importance of teamwork and caution. The mission is to exorcise a particularly dangerous curse that has been terrorizing a nearby town. It's a high-level threat, and everyone will need to be at their best to succeed.

As you gear up, Yuji approaches you, his face serious but kind. "Hey, Y/N, you ready for this?"

You nod, feeling a surge of confidence. "Yeah, I think so. Thanks, Yuji."

He smiles, giving you a reassuring pat on the shoulder. "We'll get through this together. Just remember what we've learned."

The team sets out, the journey to the town filled with a tense silence. Each step brings you closer to the confrontation, and you can feel the adrenaline coursing through your veins. As you approach the town, Gojo stops the group, his gaze intense.

"Remember, stay together and watch each other's backs," he says, his voice firm. "This curse is dangerous, but we've trained for this. Trust in your abilities and in each other."

You take a deep breath, steeling yourself for the battle ahead. As you enter the town, the air feels thick with malevolent energy. The streets are eerily quiet, the usual bustle of daily life replaced with an oppressive silence.

Suddenly, the curse appears, its form grotesque and menacing. It lets out a chilling roar, its eyes locking onto your group with a predatory gaze. Gojo takes the lead, his presence commanding as he issues orders.

"Yuji, Megumi, Nobara, take the left flank. Y/N, you're with me on the right. Let's move!"

You follow Gojo's lead, your heart pounding in your chest. The curse lunges towards you, and you react instinctively, your curse technique activating. Your body moves with a fluid grace, dodging the curse's attacks and countering with your own. Gojo is a whirlwind of power beside you, his techniques dazzling in their effectiveness. Together, you push the curse back, but it's clear that this is no ordinary foe. Its strength and resilience are formidable, and you know that this will be a tough battle. As the fight rages on, you notice Yuji, Megumi, and Nobara holding their own on the other side. Their teamwork is seamless, each move coordinated with precision. You feel a sense of pride and determination, knowing that you are part of such a skilled and dedicated team. The battle is fierce, each moment a test of your abilities and resolve. You can feel the strain, but you push through, driven by the knowledge that the safety of the town depends on your success. With Gojo's guidance and your team's support, you manage to land a series of powerful blows on the curse, weakening it. Finally, with one last coordinated effort, the curse is defeated. It lets out a final, agonized scream before dissipating into nothingness. You stand there, breathing heavily, a sense of relief washing over you. Gojo turns to the group, a proud smile on his face. "Well done, everyone. That was a tough one, but we handled it. Let's head back and debrief." As you make your way back to the dojo, the adrenaline begins to fade, replaced with a sense of accomplishment. This mission has tested you in ways you hadn't anticipated, but you've come through stronger and more confident. Back at the dojo, Gojo gathers everyone for a debriefing. He praises the team's efforts and provides feedback on areas for improvement. As he speaks, you feel a deep sense of gratitude for the opportunity to learn and grow under his guidance. That night, as you lay in bed, your mind replays the events of the day. The thrill of battle, the camaraderie of your teammates, and the satisfaction of overcoming a formidable foe. You know that this is just the beginning of your journey as a Jujutsu sorcerer, and you are ready for whatever challenges lie ahead.

 The following day, the dojo is buzzing with excitement. Word of your team’s successful mission has spread, and the students are eager to hear the details. You find yourself the center of attention, your fellow trainees looking to you for inspiration and guidance. Yuji approaches you during breakfast, his eyes shining with pride. "You were amazing yesterday, Y/N. Everyone's talking about how you held your own against that curse." You smile, feeling a warm glow of satisfaction. "Thanks, Yuji. I couldn't have done it without all the training and support from everyone here." As the day progresses, you continue with your training, your confidence growing with each passing moment. Gojo's lessons become more advanced, pushing you to refine your techniques and develop your own unique style. The camaraderie among the students strengthens, and you find yourself forming close bonds with Yuji, Megumi, Nobara, and the others. One afternoon, as you practice a particularly challenging technique, Gojo approaches you, his expression thoughtful. "Y/N, you've made incredible progress. Your curse technique is truly unique, and I believe you have the potential to become one of the greatest sorcerers of our time."

His words take you by surprise, and you feel a rush of emotions—pride, determination, and a hint of anxiety. "Thank you, Gojo-sensei. I'll do my best to live up to your expectations." He smiles, placing a hand on your shoulder. "I have no doubt you will. Just remember, strength alone isn't enough. You must also be wise and compassionate. Balance is key." You nod, absorbing his advice. The path of a Jujutsu sorcerer is challenging, but you are determined to walk it with honor and integrity. As the weeks pass, you continue to grow and learn, your bond with Yuji deepening. You spend more time together, both in and out of training. One evening, after a particularly grueling session, the two of you decide to take a walk through the nearby forest to unwind. The forest is serene, the moonlight casting a gentle glow on the trees and the path ahead. You walk side by side, the silence between you comfortable and soothing. After a while, Yuji breaks the silence, his voice soft and sincere. "Y/N, I've been meaning to tell you something. Since you came to the dojo, you've inspired me in ways I can't even describe. Your strength, your determination...it's incredible. I feel like I can achieve anything when I'm with you." His words touch your heart, and you feel a warmth spreading through you. "Yuji, I feel the same way. You've been such a great friend and partner. I couldn't have come this far without you." He stops walking, turning to face you. In the moonlight, his eyes shine with a mix of emotions—admiration, respect, and something deeper. "Y/N, I think...I think I might be falling for you." The confession takes you by surprise, and for a moment, you're at a loss for words. But as you look into Yuji's eyes, you realize that you've been feeling the same way. "Yuji, I...I feel the same. I didn't realize it until now, but I think I'm falling for you too." The moment is electric, the air between you charged with unspoken feelings. Slowly, hesitantly, Yuji reaches out and takes your hand, his touch gentle and reassuring. "I'm glad," he says softly. "Let's take this one step at a time. Together." You nod, your heart pounding with excitement and hope. As you continue your walk, hand in hand, you know that this is just the beginning of a new chapter in your lives. Together, you and Yuji will face whatever challenges come your way, united by your growing bond and shared determination.

[jjksmut]

You - Part 2

by COVAHtk

Description: A girl (you) with an overpowered cursed technique but plagued by her *cough* slut tendencies and impulsiveness attempts to be become a powerful sorcerer, but will her behavior hinder that?

Status: Ongoing

Other: Yuji Itadori x fem/reader, story contains smut, fight scenes, dark humor, smau. 

 The next day, your training intensifies as Gojo pushes you all to your limits. Each session is designed to test your skills, endurance, and ability to adapt under pressure. You find yourself growing more comfortable with your curse technique, but there is still much to learn. During a break, you find yourself chatting with Megumi Fushiguro. His calm and composed demeanor contrasts sharply with the intensity of the training. "How are you holding up, Y/N?" Megumi asks, his tone gentle but probing. "It's challenging," you admit, "but I feel like I'm improving. Everyone here is so skilled; it's inspiring." Megumi nods, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth. "You'll get there. Just remember, it's not just about raw power. Control and strategy are just as important." His words resonate with you, and you find yourself reflecting on them during the next training session. Gojo pairs you up with Nobara Kugisaki for some hand-to-hand combat practice. Nobara's fiery personality make her a intimidating opponent, and you quickly realize that you'll need to think on your feet to keep the fight fair and seem equal to avoid contempt.

"Don't go easy on me," Nobara warns with a smirk as you both take your positions. "I wouldn't dream of it," you reply, a smile on your face. The sparring match is fast, with Nobara launching a flurry of attacks that keep you on your toes. You dodge and counter, your movements becoming more fluid and precise.

As the match progresses, you begin to notice patterns in Nobara's attacks. Using the advice you gained from Megumi, you start to anticipate her moves without letting your technique do all the work, dodging and countering with increasing confidence but my technique still fighting against my small mistakes causing my style to look un natural. The match ends in a draw, both of you panting and smiling as you shake hands. "Not bad, Y/N," Nobara says, her eyes sparkling with approval. "You've got potential." "Thanks, Nobara," you reply, feeling a surge of pride. "You were amazing." The camaraderie and mutual respect among the students make the rigorous training sessions more bearable. Each day, you feel yourself growing stronger, not just in terms of your curse technique, but also in your confidence and sense of belonging. As the sun sets on another day of training, Gojo gathers everyone for a team meeting. His demeanor is unusually serious, and you can sense that something important is about to happen. "Tomorrow, we're going on a special mission," Gojo announces, his gaze sweeping across the group. "This will be a real test of your abilities. You'll need to work together and stay focused. Remember, the goal is not just to defeat the curse, but to come back safely." You feel excitement and apprehension at his words. This will be your first real mission, and you know it will be a crucial test of everything you've learned so far. As you head back to your quarters, you can't help but feel a sense of nervousness building within you. That night, you lie awake, your mind racing with thoughts of the upcoming mission. You wonder what challenges you'll face and whether you'll be able to rise to the occasion. As sleep finally claims you, a dreams claims your mind. Your bedroom door opens and a conjured up version of yuji itadori walks in your room. you feel the out side temperature rush within the room and hit your backside causing to full turn your body in his direction. He slowly walks toward you as you ask what's he doing during this hour. As he grows closer you see the an angry expression on his face. "You like embarrassing me in front of all my friends and my sensei don't you?" "Of course n-" "You like making me look weak? You think your better then me?" "Yuji i-" "You know just because your a girl doesn't mean i cant be rough with you right?" "What's that supposed to even mean yuji?" I asked in genuine confusion. Yuji finally reaches the end of my bed and yells aggressively for me to get up. I subconsciously do as i'm told and quickly get out from under the covers and feel the rooms cold temperature punch my skin. Before I can say anything yuji grabs the collar of my shirt and pushes me against the bed. I catch my self with my hands and before im fully settled he pushes my body facing the wall. His demands are forceful and scary but I don't want him to stop. He grabs my sweatpants waist band and jerks them down to my knees exposing me. I feel his hands caress my ass and immediately grow goose bumps all over. I look back at him when I hear his zipper undo.

"he's really about to do it, he's really going to fuck me right here and right now in the middle of the night" Yuji slides my panties to the side and spits on his hands. He begins to rub my clit and the rest of my pussy sending immediate flush of ecstasy throughout my entire body. I feel his dick slap against me and all around my pussy. "Please don't tease me like that" I whisper quietly. He then puts his thick tip at the entrance and fights some natural friction before sliding right in at full force. I feel so full and I get wetter and warmer for each stroke. The clapping and moans reverberate off my small wooden walls. He grabs and yanks my hair pulling my head backward. A strong pain rushes through my body propelling me forward out of my bed. "ah man" I grunt disappointingly. I stare out the window into the river for a few seconds gathering what I just dreamt before I remember I have a mission to get to first thing in the morning. I throw myself out of bed, quickly put on my attire and rush out of my cabin while slightly adjusting my hair. As you run to the dojo, you find the other students already gathered, their expressions a mix of determination and anticipation. Gojo is there, his usual relaxed demeanor replaced with a more serious tone. He briefs the team on the details of the mission, emphasizing the importance of teamwork and caution. The mission is to exorcise a particularly dangerous curse that has been terrorizing a nearby town. It's a high-level threat, and everyone will need to be at their best to succeed. As you gear up, Yuji approaches you, his face serious but kind. "Hey, Y/N, you ready for this?" You nod, feeling a surge of confidence. "Yeah, I think so. Thanks, Yuji." He smiles, giving you a reassuring pat on the shoulder. "We'll get through this together. Just remember what we've learned." The team sets out, the journey to the town filled with a tense silence. Each step brings you closer to the confrontation, and you can feel the adrenaline coursing through your veins. As you approach the town, Gojo stops the group, his gaze intense. "Remember, stay together and watch each other's backs," he says, his voice firm. "This curse is dangerous, but we've trained for this. Trust in your abilities and in each other." You take a deep breath, steeling yourself for the battle ahead. As you enter the town, the air feels thick with malevolent energy. The streets are eerily quiet, the usual bustle of daily life replaced with an oppressive silence. Suddenly, the curse appears, its form grotesque and menacing. It lets out a chilling roar, its eyes locking onto your group with a predatory gaze. Gojo takes the lead, his presence commanding as he issues orders. "Yuji, Megumi, Nobara, take the left flank. Y/N, you're with me on the right. Let's move!"

 You follow Gojo's lead, your heart pounding in your chest. The curse lunges towards you, and you react instinctively, your curse technique activating. Your body moves with a fluid grace, dodging the curse's attacks and countering with your own. Gojo is a whirlwind of power beside you, his techniques dazzling in their effectiveness. Together, you push the curse back, but it's clear that this is no ordinary foe. Its strength and resilience are formidable, and you know that this will be a tough battle. As the fight rages on, you notice Yuji, Megumi, and Nobara holding their own on the other side. Their teamwork is seamless, each move coordinated with precision. You feel a sense of pride and determination, knowing that you are part of such a skilled and dedicated team. The battle is fierce, each moment a test of your abilities and resolve. You can feel the strain, but you push through, driven by the knowledge that the safety of the town depends on your success. With Gojo's guidance and your team's support, you manage to land a series of powerful blows on the curse, weakening it. Finally, with one last coordinated effort, the curse is defeated. It lets out a final, agonized scream before dissipating into nothingness. You stand there, breathing heavily, a sense of relief washing over you. Gojo turns to the group, a proud smile on his face. "Well done, everyone. That was a tough one, but we handled it. Let's head back and debrief." As you make your way back to the dojo, the adrenaline begins to fade, replaced with a sense of accomplishment. This mission has tested you in ways you hadn't anticipated, but you've come through stronger and more confident. Back at the dojo, Gojo gathers everyone for a debriefing. He praises the team's efforts and provides feedback on areas for improvement. As he speaks, you feel a deep sense of gratitude for the opportunity to learn and grow under his guidance. That night, as you lay in bed, your mind replays the events of the day. The thrill of battle, the camaraderie of your teammates, and the satisfaction of overcoming a formidable foe. You know that this is just the beginning of your journey as a Jujutsu sorcerer, and you are ready for whatever challenges lie ahead.

 The following day, the dojo is buzzing with excitement. Word of your team’s successful mission has spread, and the students are eager to hear the details. You find yourself the center of attention, your fellow trainees looking to you for inspiration and guidance. Yuji approaches you during breakfast, his eyes shining with pride. "You were amazing yesterday, Y/N. Everyone's talking about how you held your own against that curse." You smile, feeling a warm glow of satisfaction. "Thanks, Yuji. I couldn't have done it without all the training and support from everyone here." As the day progresses, you continue with your training, your confidence growing with each passing moment. Gojo's lessons become more advanced, pushing you to refine your techniques and develop your own unique style. The camaraderie among the students strengthens, and you find yourself forming close bonds with Yuji, Megumi, Nobara, and the others. One afternoon, as you practice a particularly challenging technique, Gojo approaches you, his expression thoughtful. "Y/N, you've made incredible progress. Your curse technique is truly unique, and I believe you have the potential to become one of the greatest sorcerers of our time." His words take you by surprise, and you feel a rush of emotions—pride, determination, and a hint of anxiety. "Thank you, Gojo-sensei. I'll do my best to live up to your expectations." He smiles, placing a hand on your shoulder. "I have no doubt you will. Just remember, strength alone isn't enough. You must also be wise and compassionate. Balance is key." You nod, absorbing his advice. The path of a Jujutsu sorcerer is challenging, but you are determined to walk it with honor and integrity. As the weeks pass, you continue to grow and learn, your bond with Yuji deepening. You spend more time together, both in and out of training. One evening, after a particularly grueling session, the two of you decide to take a walk through the nearby forest to unwind. The forest is serene, the moonlight casting a gentle glow on the trees and the path ahead. You walk side by side, the silence between you comfortable and soothing. After a while, Yuji breaks the silence, his voice soft and sincere. "Y/N, I've been meaning to tell you something. Since you came to the dojo, you've inspired me in ways I can't even describe. Your strength, your determination...it's incredible. I feel like I can achieve anything when I'm with you." His words touch your heart, and you feel a warmth spreading through you. "Yuji, I feel the same way. You've been such a great friend and partner. I couldn't have come this far without you." He stops walking, turning to face you. In the moonlight, his eyes shine with a mix of emotions—admiration, respect, and something deeper. "Y/N, I think...I think I might be falling for you." The confession takes you by surprise, and for a moment, you're at a loss for words. But as you look into Yuji's eyes, you realize that you've been feeling the same way. "Yuji, I...I feel the same. I didn't realize it until now, but I think I'm falling for you too." The moment is electric, the air between you charged with unspoken feelings. Slowly, hesitantly, Yuji reaches out and takes your hand, his touch gentle and reassuring. "I'm glad," he says softly. "Let's take this one step at a time. Together." You nod, your heart pounding with excitement and hope. As you continue your walk, hand in hand, you know that this is just the beginning of a new chapter in your lives. Together, you and Yuji will face whatever challenges come your way, united by your growing bond and shared determination.

[merrumeru]

Let me cheer you up even more: Graham!90 x reader

Words: 1870

Warning: nope, zero

The room was dark. The only light that could enter the room was the glow of the stars and of the tiny moon in the night sky. I was surrounded by silence as the last song on the vinyl record ended twenty minutes early. I had no desire or humor to get out of bed and change it. I focused on my slow and deep breathing. It was supposed to help me calm down, but it didn't work for me. My eyes were fixed on a distant point in the sky. I felt as if I was sinking into my anxiety. But I couldn't understand why. My life was going in quiet rhythm, I had a roof over my head and someone who cared for me. However, the thought of the future made me panic. Looking at friends who knew what they wanted to do in life, at Graham and his thriving career…I was stalled. I couldn't find a place for myself or this one thing that would be my passion. Graham always said that everything is fine with me, that I will somehow put my life in order. That he, my age, was also feeling lost. Still, the thought of working or continuing my studies scared my in the deep of heart. If I can't see my future myself, so does it even exist? I covered myself with the duvet. From head to toe, as if I was going to disappear. I promised Graham I would wait for him tonight. We'll watch a movie and eat something good. But suddenly I lost my desire for anything. I wanted to fall asleep and wake up in a much better mood. I suspected it was almost 10pm and Graham would be back from the band rehearsal soon. 

I heard the key in the door twist. The hit of his backpack on the ground and the sound of shoes being taken off. „Love I’m back”. The mellow voice of Graham sounded so happy. But I was about to ruin it all. On the one hand, I wanted to tell him how hopeless I felt, on the other hand, I preferred not to put stress on him at home. I didn't want to be a sad part of his life, I was supposed to help and encourage him. Graham was more delicate than I was and much more concerned about everything. I didn’t want the negative emotions and stress which he felt through a lack of privacy and high expectations soaking into his heart also in our home. So I pretended to be asleep.

I heard him slowly approaching the bed. He probably didn't expect to find me sleeping. I heard his soft laugh. „Y/N why you always decide to miss the best fun. Okay. I'll put the food in the fridge and lie down too.” 

„I’m awake”. I turned to face him. It was dark enough in the room that I could only see his silhouette.  

„Did something happened?” I heard his voice suddenly turn serious. I knew that he suddenly felt tensed, as if I was about to say that some kind of disaster had happened. I was silent for a moment, not knowing what to say. „You are sick? Did something unpleasant happen to you at university? Sorry to be late, but you didn't call so I thought everything …”

„No! No Graham, everything is ok. I’m just tired” I stopped in the middle of a sentence, a lump that appeared in my throat blocked all words. „You will be angry if we put our romantic evening in another evening, or day, or  whatever?”

„Hey, who do you think I am. Of course it's not a problem baby.” I felt the bed on his side slowly bend under the weight of his body. Graham put his hand on my head and lightly stroked my hair. „I'm just worried. You've been sad for a while and I don't know how to help you.” I stretched my hand toward him and squeezed his hands tightly. „Your voice is so weak, yet your grip is still hard”.The moonlight illuminated his face and a shy smile. His thumb gently caressed the back of my hand.

„Nothing happens. I've just had bad days lately. You know, life is too much to handle for me sometimes.” 

„You can always tell me about anything Y/N. I don't want you to feel lonely in difficult times.” Graham released my hand. He took off his hoodie and tossed it next to the bed. After a moment, he was lying next to me, pressing me tightly to his chest. „God, why are you so emotionally unavailable. Will you ever stop being a mystery to me?” He placed a few kisses on my hair. I put one leg on his hip and gripped his T-shirt tighter. I wanted to blend in with his skin.

„I love you so much Graham. I don't know how to express it all.” His heart was beating fast. He radiated a warmth that I missed so much. I could wear a hundred sweaters, be surrounded by several heaters while sitting on one of the sunny beaches, and nothing would warm my heart and hands more than his inner warmth. 

„You don't have to show it or look for ways to express it. Just trust me and let me understand you.” His hand rested on my bare thigh, which I got on his hip.He used his finger to paint little circles. I brought my mouth close to his and kissed him softly. One sloppy stroke of the lips, but right after that a second time, much deeper and passionately.

He pulled me towards him so that I was suddenly on top of him. Our lips hardly detached.I felt hotter and hotter, as if all the accumulated emotions had suddenly burst forth and like a wave and found their way out. I felt dizzy, all my bad thoughts disappeared like clouds after the storm. Graham's hands got under my shirt and rested on my bare back. I opened my eyes and broke off the kiss. I straightened up, staring deeply into his eyes. Graham lowered his hands to my hips and gripped them tightly.

„You have such a handsome face, bastard. We both started laughing. „Handsome, talented… you are made to be star.” I pinched his cheek that he grimaced slightly, small lines forming on his nose.„And these crowds of female fans undressing you with their eyes.”

„I'm just looking for the eyes of one girl in this crowd. And I don't have to undress her with my sight. She does it by herself when we are at our home.” Graham straightened his glasses and rose to his elbows.”I just hope that she listen carefully to my words and will follow them. After all, with me, she doesn't have to be afraid of anything.”

He tucked a few locks of hair behind my ear and placed a hand against my cheek. My head rested on it. „Y/N just take it all easy. You are good enough at what you do right now. Life is not only about challenges. Sometimes there are occasions that come by themselves. Whatever it may be, I will try to be always by your side.” I wanted to cry and didn’t know if it was more of sadness or pure happiness and peace that overwhelmed me. 

“When did you get so mature? Two years ago, you wouldn't have been giving me such deep advice, just trying to make me laugh or whatever. Where's my baby boy gone?”  I smiled at the memories of the beginning of our relationship.  Even though Graham is three years older than me, I have always had the tendency to mother him. His delicacy combined with shyness and frequent confusion made me place my whole heart in his hands. I loved watching him do what he loves and his hard work was paying off.

“You have a great influence on me. I doubt if I could mentally handle this without you.” Graham's eyes were on me as I got up from the bed.”Where are you going love?”

“You don't even know how much I feel like having tea.” I stretched gently because my whole body was asleep and put on his hoodie that was lying on the floor. ”I'll do one for you too. You can easily go take a shower. When I'll come back, let's stay in bed, we've been doing it much too rarely lately”. 

Graham chuckled and get up without one word. Before I left the room,I looked out of the corner of my eye as he took off his shirt. I bit my lower lip. His body was lean, not very muscular. It pained me that he couldn't see how handsome he was. His broad-shouldered silhouette, bathed in the darkness of the night, made me want to approach him, hug him tightly and kiss his back. Graham turned to face me and tossed the shirt in his hand at me. „Don’t peek! You were supposed to make tea hmmm?”

„Oh c’mon mr.She Coxon. I won't give you back this shirt.” 

„Just like my hoodie?” I saw him shift the weight from one leg to the other and cross his arms over his chest. 

„What is this slander towards me, Coxon?” I stuck my tongue out at him and, without waiting for an answer, disappeared into the darkness of the hall.

When I returned with two cups, Graham was waiting for me. The room was lit now by a single lamp in the corner of the room. His hair was still wet, he was wearing sweatpants but still no shirt. The towel hung loosely around his neck.  Graham flicked through the vinyl records, humming some tunes. Eventually he settled on one and put it in the adapter. I put the tea on the bedside table and lay down, trying to guess what music was about to start playing.

Graham positioned himself between my legs so that his head rested on my stomach.I gently stroked his thick, still wet hair. "God, I don't know how I'll survive these two months without you Y / N”. His hands wrapped around my torso.”Fucking hell”.

“You can always lie like this with Damon.” Graham turned his head abruptly, his chin gently digging into my stomach.

“This is a bloody bad idea. Where do you get such strange ideas from”

“I am not the one who has a deep male friendship. Straight fact, baby. I watched a program once about people in the jungle and they did weird things ...” I ran my finger down his nose.

“What the fuck, I won't be in jungle, in fact we even won't be in village. We're not going to a survival camp.” 

“You never know Graham. What if the plane will stuck on a desert island, or the bus will be unable to leave the forest?”

“Maybe let's not go that far. Let's go back to why I'm going to miss you, your body, your words and just being here.” Graham pulled himself to meet my lips.

“But the the-...”

“It won't get the legs and come out by itself. Let me cheer you up even more.”

[freakscircus]

thinking about my top 10 stephen king books... because he is my favorite author and it was his birthday recently. i’m putting them under the cut here:

this list is by no means exhaustive, there’s a lot by king i haven’t read. for example, i haven’t read the dark tower which a lot of people consider one of his best. so this is just a top 10 of books i’ve read by him:

10. Misery Plot: a famous author gets into a car accident, and is found and nursed back to health by his biggest fan. however, she quickly becomes controlling and violent as she makes bigger and bigger demands of her favorite author, who is totally dependent on her in his injured state. - i appreciate this book but it is not something i would ever read again. the sympathy i felt for paul was just too great. the themes and mood of this book are just so bizarre, i absolutely love it. 

9. The Mist Plot: an otherworldly mist engulfs a little vacation town after a violent storm. a group of people are trapped in a supermarket and must decide what they can do, as going into the mist almost ensures certain death - i definitely liked the mist, it’s a novella so it is short, but it’s very interesting and quite stressful to read! but i suppose that makes a good book. i can’t really say why i find this book so interesting without spoiling it though, so pick it up for yourself!

8. The Shining plot: jack torrance becomes the winter caretaker of an old and majestic hotel, bringing his family with him. however, this hotel has a horrific past that continues to haunt it into the present. alone and snowed in, jack begins to lose his sanity and becomes obsessed with the overlook hotel, with his family trapped and forced to stay despite the deterioration of jack’s sanity and the violence and horror that ensues - i really enjoyed this one, but i honestly think it fell flat compared to the movie. i would have enjoyed this had i not watched the adaptation, but i think it loses out for sure. i absolutely adore the themes and setting though... isolation, cabin fever, haunting, and a horrific and large empty hotel. it reminds me of the isolation and horror of the hotel in silent hill as well. i really like the motif that king uses of the main character discovering the rotten interior of their surroundings, despite a pristine veneer. however in this case instead of overcoming, the main character rots along with it. i would really push you to read this book first if you’ve never watched the movie so you have nothing to compare it against.

7. The Talisman plot: a young boy has to save his sick mother, who has isolated herself in a desolate seaside hotel and has accepted her impending death. however, he discovers that there is a parallel universe to his own, where each person has a twin whose fate is directly intertwined with their original selves. jack must weave between worlds and travel a great distance to foil an evil plot in order to save his mother’s life - i like this one... it’s not horror fiction at all. if you like king for horror classics like carrie and misery, i don’t know if you’ll like this one. it’s pure fantasy, including magic powers and an otherworldly realm that is similar to medieval england. but i really enjoyed it, it’s a really satisfying adventure book.

6. Christine plot: an awkward and straightlaced teenager is inexplicably drawn to an extremely old and dilapidated red plymouth fury. after becoming the owner of the fury, his personality changes into a combative and obsessive version of himself that is almost unrecognizable to his childhood best friend. strange things begin to happen to anyone who goes against him, as they are inexplicably killed one by one in violent hit and run accidents.  - i really didn’t think i would like this one. anyone i explain the plot to thinks it’s super hokey and probably really campy and bad. however i really liked it! it’s super nuanced even though the antagonist is literally a car. i could not put this book down, the progression of arnie’s transformation is just so fascinating.  5. Dolores Claiborne plot: a woman’s firsthand account of how she did not murder her employer leads to a horrific telling of her life, and the choices that she has made. dolores chose to marry young and her regret and resentment over her husband is paired with a life full of poverty and difficult choices. - this was the book that introduced me to stephen king and i fell in love immediately. it’s a bit hard to get into this one, the narrative style is a bit odd. but once you do, it is incredible. the themes remind me a lot of v.c. andrews, so you get a very gothic horror feel from this one.

4. The Stand plot: a government created superflu virus wipes out almost the entire population of earth. a small percentage of people born with a rare immunity to the superflu survive, but they must decide what to do now that everyone they know has died right in front of them. large cities are full of dead bodies and horror, and options seem slim. two parallel settlements begin to arise, but tensions run high when one plots to destroy the other. - god i love this book. i fell in love with almost every single character, and it felt like i really bonded with each of the protagonists. i read this book over a very leisurely and enjoyable summer full of reading time and finished right in september, so it was very bittersweet to say goodbye to this one. it’s not purely horror, but it’s very stephen king. because of this book one of my potential girls names for a future daughter is nadine, which is funny when you read the book and realize who nadine is. anyway... absolutely love this one and i believe this is king’s most challenging book to read, but the most satisfying.

3. Dead Zone plot: johnny smith, a young man with a very normal life is suddenly involved in an almost lethal car accident. he is in a coma for years, losing over a decade of his life. however when he awakes, he realizes he has psychic powers. this story runs parallel to the story of the american election at the time, where a dangerous wild card candidate has risen to primacy. johnny’s newfound powers allow him to foresee that if this man gets elected, it is possible he will lead the world to nuclear destruction. - i love this one too! it seems so relevant in this political time. john smith is so loveable, and he is such a perfect protagonist. this is an easy read that you can finish in a week if you have the time.

2. Carrie plot: an awkward and socially stunted highschool girl is mercilessly bullied by her peers and isolated from everybody. her mother is overly religious and controlling to the point of abuse. one day, she discovers that she has psychic powers that act up when she becomes enraged. as she is pushed to the brink from the abuse of her peers and mother, her psychic powers begin to turn violent. - i truly cannot believe this is king’s very first novel. it is so perfect. the themes, the imagery, the plot is just incredible. this is a short read, i read it on a flight from rio de janeiro to sao paulo. if you don’t know where to start with king, or you’re not a huge reader, i would recommend carrie. i would say this is on par with the original movie, which does a very good job at adapting the book.

1. It plot: a demon emerges every 27 years to feed on the misery and rot of a seemingly idyllic small town in maine. the facade of a wholesome and beautiful town masks the racism, homophobia, and abusive tendencies of many of its residents. fate brings together a number of troubled or abused children who are the only ones who are able to take on the demon, which manifests itself as a clown. however as the children bond and come of age together, they struggle personally through the misery and abuse that color their lives. their struggles bring them together, cementing their friendship and strength through overcoming their own personal demons to fight the one that is preying on the horror and sickness of derry. - i love it. this book is sick and disturbing at times where i can still remember scenes that i will probably have to skip on a second read. however, there are many themes in this book i do enjoy. if you really loved either it movie, i’d recommend picking this book up. i found neither adaptation really did it justice, but how can they? this book is over a thousand pages of character development, backstories, growth, and coming of age. the horror is not only pennywise, but what these kids have to endure that steals their innocence and bonds them together. this is just artful writing, and i would recommend reading it over a very hot and slow summer. my highest recommended book out of all of them, but it is a tough read. it’s long and complex with multiple parallel stories running all at once. it’s impossible to grasp every detail on just your first read.

[asplashofblarn]

Preface

I was born in 1997 and my given name is Justin Taylor English, one and all will address me by what is mine. With you all and here soon enough to be a lucky student of the internet as the 2000's age rounded the corner, but shot far too soon to be given equal rights and liberty; as promised to a child growing up in this modern country that is grounded in the North American continent and known as the United States of America. A country where we are protected under one flag that is held by our one true God; the same phrase we use to those who we so diligently give our money to. Since Gods, Kings and the reinforced Queens all fall under me, one may assume that it would only be right for one such as he who bares the name that I have since been given and laid claim unto as mine, brings forth the initiation to claim the land in which he is promised. Just before the rug is pulled and we all fall under the cataclysm that is pulling energy from the children of the world to feed the egos of those who wish to live but not to partake in the world that they have chosen to siphon life from. How was I to know as a child looking forward to what my planet was offering that I was entering a gated education system that will only give to those who are willing to pay and hand over their future earnings to promote the same system? This system, which is used to build people in order to survive during life, is also one that is built to collect just enough information on them to relax tendency and help set the table to lay the other lambs on the table alongside some cabbage. Without pressing the point of consciousness or the reason as to why I have to be monitored in order to display something that would be far too easy to understand if only one gave up the appeal of living forever and came to address the point that the gifts we have been given are ours to take and not receive. What a person does with their things is of a personal matter you would say if another would try to touch the things that you play with, because you are in the right. That works until you’re wrong and what’s yours now falls under the control of another who will instruct you on what is right and wrong. My time spent here isn’t to introduce me, Justin Taylor English, to life or for you to learn about myself in terms of who I am, who I want to be or how I see myself when I awake, because we all awaken to our true face, until we peer into a mirror and see a reflection that may require surgery or even worse bring ridicule and give to a displeasing experience of life unto us; you wouldn’t care. It’s so you can come to terms with the information that yours will soon be ending and as you look around, these are the people who helped shape it. Honor them. The children of the future relayed unto me; Improve my quality of life, fore I am born with the concept.

“And the peaches and the mangos you could sell for me.”  - Frank Ocean

When the flame dawned upon man I’m certain there was a brightly set confusion all around the table that still has the spark to reach to us today. With that spark brings a perpetual assimilation of what I predict is the conversation they had with each other in the language they spoke at the time, probably relayed something like “What the hell is going on?” Bursts of confusion are exciting and scary and amazing, they are what lead to many new ideas and have brought forth the room you are sitting in today; a bunch of confused, amazing collection of cells learning to live, create, love and eventually die together. A beautiful display, that we have silently reveled in for a very long time and all of our children know, or should know; that feeling of the flame that each person and animal carries inside of them. Yet the mystery of the moment is as to why we can’t feel the heat of our consciousness; even as the two lay pressed together the only sustained flow is one of another and never true adaptation of the reflected soul. This can lead to many things, the most important of which is called power. Power to change the way people see and behave just by appealing or pushing them away from things with what may be ill intentions or one’s that only the shepherd can decide for the herd; at least the wolves are at bay for now. A flock of birds rests upon the beach and the waves dare not disturb their beautiful rest for they are not moved. Watching such sights can bring emotional value to some of us and other may never see it, that doesn’t matter; the point is that it happens. With such sights a plenty we can only wonder as to why the stars that light our sky, or the sun whom gives us heat just aren’t enough for some and these people desire more. There is a need of all living things to stay alive, it is a prime directive and one that is not lost no matter how complex a system may grow to the point of the fact that nothing really ever dies, it’s actually killed; every time. Now that we have escaped our revolution around the cycle that requires us to consume, grow, and pass. We can finally begin to form a place that has been dreamed of since the first collection of texts was read. Yet the desire to do so is met the with the present reality that the heat and water that supplies your castle and that land at the park your kids play on is paid for by the gods who sit at home after a long day’s work and watch the television, rather than giving those kids running amuck an actual chance to a future that doesn’t involve store bought beer.

Me, myself, I’m still a child as I’ve been called to those who chose to look down on me past the fear of their guarded territory, just as their parents and their government has done to them. It hurts to see these kids, your children who would call for you when they were young, laughed at by society and by the ones who brought them into this place we call life or better yet to the dirt of our Earth that we share together. Nobody wants to lose, but one day that light will go out and we need to do something about it, so why are you a concern still? Where do unions stand in a capitalist society? From the way that I hear it, here in the year 2020, they make others such as African Americans and homosexuals sound more like a business then anything that has to put up with the stones they are thrown forever. Many people will live a life, but to all those who stand in line I would like it to be known that no tears should fall from your eyes; as for the reason? You didn’t try. Giving up is not a solution or excuse, it’s just something I hope more people do, that way progress can be made rather than an attempt to halt someone from doing their jobs. Is it the police or the government you are angry about or your own parents in an anger that will be pushed further down to create a solid ground for those who wish to walk this land. Since I’m sure you have no concern over what those children think about when out running amuck without guidance or purpose allow me to explain it to you. It’s a collection of the same ideas that pass through your mind every time you begin to think. Some people in our world will grow up and become strong and productive members of society, some of us aren’t allowed to because others still need to bleed in order to reinforce the bank account of a man who your only mission is to please, that way you can be reminded every time you hear a tune on the radio or watch a movie that this is your life. The one we made together, discomfort is normal as that hand is pressed upon yours, but you’ll leave soon so I wouldn’t be concerned if I was you. Understand that the people of our world would like to hear from me, but refuse, I, Justin Taylor English, a proper education that is needed to form new ideas rather than paddle like a dog that still enjoys the swamp water because the rich blue has been denied from you. Please don’t feel sorry for anyone but yourself as I have too taken those tax dollars from you to promote a healthy realization of the education that has given you the power to rest instead of being a parent or a guiding member of the community, which we share. Forgive me so that once more us both can feel the comforting solace that comes with night, until the sun rises.

Anger can be bought, yet jealousy is earned. Would you like to be dazzled by the display of our universe or the hands of the creators that have helped to shape the society in which we live in? So would I. And the reason as to why that opportunity to open my mind, an ability that we haven’t learned to do ourselves and is still the lords blessing of virginity hasn’t been reached by men because we refuse to work hard and instead like to contest every change that happens to bring the reality that we can stay put and live in fear. As the cancer eats away at our bodies we can only explain to those children, who will soon be killed, that God has a different plan for them; only for the reality that it is your genetics that committed the murder with a smile upon your face as you allowed a train to depart with no tracks laid just a mile forward. The desire for those who are alive now to take life away from others bewilders me; the dead are food not predators. You on the other hand are an alien and can fire when ready. May the saints of the falling stripes bless the bed that you lay upon so that you can continue to monitor your mundane life as it appears you have no plans of stepping outside of your comfort zone and choose to instead bring others down into a somber place where you can lay them to rest. There are evils in this world and things that need to change, suicide, a route in which I wish more people who fit this description hope to take and maybe next time we will be ready for them as long as you leave a sticker by the door telling us what your life was and we should be ready for you. The willing force of people to fain sorrow or understanding, but with the statement of life at their teeth is not a pleasing one to see in people that grown old with it intertwined. A creature who has been blinded for an entire life, only leads to the relief that death will carry for it as I can see vividly even as a child who does not understand that there isn’t much for you to learn from here or that you may ever learn in our world. Maybe you just need to take a look at the other things that live, breathe and think just like you and are beside you and on your plate to understand how much you don’t matter. It is you, the sin, in which my life was forsaken for; please die.

Love,

Justin Taylor English