#i think maybe i should at least try upping the dose on my vyvanse

[knifegremliin]

aghhh man. i've been. doing barely any art lately.

[bomberqueen17]

holding it down

currently am being held down in the chair by Chita, who was waiting patiently next to my recliner while i was in the other room packing up my clean laundry. I'm going back to the farm today, and need to leave sometime before noon to arrive in time for dinner. The only productive thing I really did this week is that last night I made a Vat of Borscht that i'm going to bring to serve for dinner tonight so my sister doesn't have to cook. anyway. Oop Chita just had enough of absorbing my body heat / qi (we joke that's what she's after, absorbing qi by sitting on people) and has transferred herself to the other chair, where she will sleep for six to ten hours without moving much. Her life is hard.

anyway wittering on behind cut

my dreamwidth crossposter broke so i should figure out how to set up an RSS thingy there, idk how to do that though. i think tumblr did something that broke how they do RSS and that's why the crossposter went down.

I'm trying Vyvanse again, a slightly higher dose. One pill a day, I can do. Yesterday I just felt scattered and ran around not getting things done. I did go double grocery shopping with Dude, and there was a Pokemon Go thing going on so I was catching cyndaquils while wandering through the grocery aisles, and i just-- sometimes I can feel that what I am doing is really bad for my attention span, and I could super feel that this was not helping me at all.

"I need to meditate," I said, sweating, on the ride home in the car. (It has been so hot. It was so hot yesterday. It was 87 and so humid and even with the ac in the car I was just sweating. ugh.)

"So meditate," Dude said, but I don't know how.

I probably should start writing in my journal again. I had been using a like day planner thing, and I was doing pretty poorly at it-- i'd write goals but they were never concretely connected to anything, and mostly I was writing down what I did after I did it, but at least that tied me to reality somewhat. So I should at least go back to that, I stopped the last week at the farm when things were so fucking hectic I didn't do anything but work, eat, and sleep.

I don't know if it helps but doing nothing doesn't help either.

And it's a lie to say I did nothing this past week. I was very off my game, but I did consult two different medical professionals for whatever that's worth, and I did manage to get past a huge writing block that's been deviling me for over a year really.

The horrible heat is supposed to break, which is good timing, because there is no climate control at the farm, and the only air-conditioned room is insufficiently conditioned and so is usually warmer than the surrounding spaces. I would have had a miserable week if I'd been there this past week, when it was over 90F most days and wasn't getting below 75F at night. (It was 81F here this morning at 6am, but it is supposed to rain and the day's high will only be 82. So.)

I did get some sewing done this week, though not as much as I wanted. I did a bunch of laundry. I did not clean the house or make any progress organizing any spaces, which were things I had wanted to do. But the writing, I can't describe how important getting that writing done was for me.

I'm having trouble being confident in my writing currently, a couple of scenes I feel are not emotionally true to what I was trying to say. I did rediscover some old notes though, and I think I've figured out what was bugging me in the Geralt/Emhyr scenes, and what I should work on with them. (I think the background information that Pavetta was an unhinged little gremlin monsterfucker and that was what formed Emhyr's id is really important and I have to work out how to incorporate that into everything going forward.)

I also keep finding myself yearning to write some original stuff. So we'll have to see, if I can get through the backlog of ideas in the Witcher stuff and start winding some of that up (??!!?!?!) then maybe there'd be some time to poke those ideas.

Anyway. Cat tax, here is what Chita looked like as I began this post, being a feline seat belt holding me into this chair:

[image description: small gray cat, head turned and eyes closed, is lying on my green-clad lap and has one paw outstretched toward the camera, touching the gray arm of the chair we're sitting in, holding me in position.]

[naamahdarling]

Monday: Try to call my low cost mental health clinic cause I'm feeling rough and think I might need a meds adjustment. I forgot, it's labor day or something, and they don't answer. I don't get a day off from being mentally ill but hey, I still hope they're having a nice time. 👍

Tuesday: Call again, ask to speak to Cool NP. Get appointment for the next day. Okay, cool, I can wait. ✔

Wednesday: Appointment! Cool NP ups my dose and sends it to the Big Lady Doctor who handles ADHD meds. Should be ready tomorrow. ✔

Thursday: Go to clinic to get meds and call to have them brought out. 20 minutes later I am given a bag with my 2 other scrips but not the Vyvanse. ❌ We flag down the pharm tech and politely ask her to go get that rolling, or find out what is going on. 20 minutes later, I get a call. Big Lady Doctor is IN VIRGINIA until the 28th of September. (1,200 miles) ❌ Other Big Doctor, Very Weird Super Old Forgetful Guy Who Is Incredibly Into Wolves, is only in the clinic 3 days a week. I ask if he is there today. Staff has to go see if his wizened carcass has been dragged home yet. It has not! ✔ They give his withered claw a jiggle and Big Doctor VWSOFGWIIIW rubber stamps the scrip. Hallelujah. ✔ They will call when it's ready. I am still in the parking lot. I wait another hour. They call. They can't fill it because the dose increased and they need a prior authorization from Medicaid. ❌ I tell them to send it. I actually CALL MEDICAID and somehow by the grace of god reach their pharmacy desk in one try. I tell them to watch for it and ask about turnaround. They say maybe today, maybe early tomorrow. Very nice but ultimately unhelpful. I drive home after 2 hours spent in the parking lot looking at some trees. It's the most green I have seen all week. I am still feeling terrible. 💀

Friday: Spend an HOUR calling my pharmacy every 15 minutes. They never answer. I escalate to every 5 minutes for half an hour. Then 6 back to back calls. No answer. ❌ Seventh call, they pick up. I ask about my meds. Medicaid has not returned my prior authorization. ❌ I try to call Medicaid with the EXACT same number. The phone tree is different. A mystery. I select the option for "patient". I am rerouted to the "provider" line. The rep seems shocked and flustered, has no idea what to do with me. ❌ I suggest that I might be transferred to or given the right direct phone number or extension for the pharmacy desk. They ask for my provider number. I remind them I am a patient and give them my social. They mumble something about transferring me to the patient line. I get some hold music, some ringing, more hold music, then the line disconnects. ❌ I call again. The same thing happens, sans ever reaching a rep. ❌ I call the pharmacy back and ask them to call when they hear back. They tell me they will try but they close at 2:30. ❌ It is 12:30. Without expecting them to do it, I tell them to call me if they haven't heard back from Medicaid by then as that will still leave me with a couple of hours to work on this from the Medicaid side. I am now feeling significantly worse than I did when this started on Tuesday. I also feel ill, possibly from stress. I just want a break, as I have been trying to solve this myself for two days. At least I am not in a parking lot. I lay down to rest a little. Bad idea. 💀 I sleep through 2:30 by accident. 💀 The pharmacy never called. ❌ It is only 4:30 at this point. Even though it's Friday and they're probably out, I try Medicaid again. I get the phone tree that works! I talk to a helpful rep. The pharmacy never sent the prior authorization. ❌❌❌ I now have to start over with the pharmacy on Monday. They will send the prior authorization, then I will have to call Medicaid to confirm they did, then keep bothering them both until it is returned, guaranteed at least 24 hours later. Then I will have to call the pharmacy, maybe repeatedly, to get them to put 30 pills in a plastic bottle and walk about 30 yards to get it to my car. ❌❌❌💀💀💀

...

I...I don't even know what to say. I would have my social worker handle this, but she's not good at this sort of thing. She doesn't make back to back calls unless I am physically in her presence and probably, at that point, crying. Otherwise she gives people time to do their jobs. But you can't, with these people. You can't. Because they won't. Are they overworked and understaffed? Yes, 100%. But some of this is just inexcusable.

I have a neurological disorder. It makes it very hard to do things. To self-motivate and initiate tasks. I have anxiety, which makes phone calls hard and fighting with pharmacy people and phone reps really hard. I take stress poorly because I am mentally ill. I am currently undermedicated for ADHD, and struggling both with executive function and depression from lack of dopamine, the chemical that lets you feel happy.

I still did all of this, and I did it for nothing. It has cost me quite a bit, reserves-wise. Maybe for a normal person it wouldn't be too bad, I don't know. I'm not normal. I am getting treatment for a reason, I am certified as disabled for a reason. That reason is that I am neuroatypical and seriously mentally ill. All of this is so much harder for me than it is for someone who is not.

I still did it. I should not have to do it!

I kicked down doors, rattled cages, remained polite, made over a dozen phone calls, waited in a goddamn parking lot for two hours, and at every stage I have had to walk people through taking the next step at THEIR JOB, and I should not have to do it.

And this week, from Tuesday to Friday, I did it for nothing.

This is what disabled people get for the crime of being different. I just don't know what to say.

If you're able to do a basic thing like call your doctor and get a refill within 2 days? Congrats. You are immensely fucking lucky.

[fraddit]

My recent experience with depression, anxiety, and ADHD

I figured I would make a post about this, because I know that at least a few of my mutuals are dealing with some or all of these things themselves and might find this helpful.  Who knows?  Very long, very personal, but mostly positive post under the cut.  Like, really, more information than you probably ever wanted to know about me and my problems.  Proceed, if you feel so inclined.

First, a brief history, for context.  Throughout elementary and high school, I consistently scored in the 99th percentile on standardized tests.  Then, I almost flunked out of high school, barely got my diploma, took a year off, and started art school college for an animation English degree.  I was going to write novels.  After a year or two of that, I decided I could write without a degree, so I dropped out.  What followed was a decade of several strangely varied and unrelated jobs and no novel writing. Working a stable corporate gig while not accomplishing (or even pursuing) any of my personal creative goals was DESTROYING MY SOUL.  So, I quit my job to become a full-time student and finish my degree, because at least that was kind of in the same universe as actually being creative.  And now, a year or two later, here I am, 32 and a few semesters away from finally finishing that English degree.  Clearly brains won’t get you everywhere kids.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 7 and was on some form of medication until sometime in high school, when I decided I didn’t want to take it anymore, for reasons I won’t bother getting into.  It never occurred to me to even consider medication again until this semester, when everything fell apart.

ADHD can impact a person in a multitude of ways.  For me, the biggest impact is probably executive function issues.  I can wander through the garden of my ideas all day long.  I cannot make myself sit down and do work, no matter how much I may want to.  For personal goals, that means a literal solid decade of zero accomplishment.  For school, that means procrastinating papers until the night before or morning of or sometimes even two weeks late, on the night before the professor has to turn in their grades.  And the level of personal effort it took to make myself write that two-week-late paper was herculean in measure, when it really should not have been.

I’ve since learned that many professionals suspect this very common procrastination habit of ADHD folks is actually a kind of self-medicating by way of adrenaline via stress response.  Which sounds entirely plausible to me, because every semester since I’ve been back at school, I’ve found myself pushing the risky boundaries of procrastination further and further, like a drug addict needing a higher dose to get a fix.  A very unsustainable and unhappy process all around.

Which brings me to this semester, when the wheels finally fell off the car, and one of the campus psychologists found me crying on a bench outside the counseling center because they were closed for lunch and meetings, and I didn’t know where else to go.  I couldn’t do any of my homework, was crying every day, and having panic attacks.  To put it simply, I was a fucking mess.

I made more appointments at the counseling center, I spoke with my professors about what I was going through (hello more panic attacks), and for the first time in over a decade, I remembered that there are medications I should maybe try, and I made an appointment to see the psychiatrist at the campus medical clinic.  (Also, guys, if any of you are students, look into your campus resources.  There’s support for everything at my school.  There’s even an office that’s only there to help guide students to all the other support options.  Seriously, mental health, child care, food, housing, you name it.  Get the help you need.)

When I explained everything I had been going through, the very nice psychiatrist at the clinic told me, with an unsettling degree of alarm in her voice, that I was “deeply depressed”. Which, I knew, but she really sounded shockingly concerned.  And it’s like, jeeze, I maybe didn’t realize just how bad things had gotten, because I was just living with this shit every day, so it was kind of ‘normal’ for me.

Anyway, she agreed to start me on meds for my ADHD.  The one I’ve been taking is called Vyvanse.  I started on the lowest dose and have been gradually increasing.  A month in, I’m at a dose where I can clearly tell a difference, and it’s having a noticeable impact.  I wrote a meta yesterday.  I was thinking the thoughts, and just sat down and wrote it.  This morning, I got up and wrote some more, just notes for future things to do, but I did it.  Fuck, I’m writing this fucking thing right now.

I thought that maybe I should write this shit out, and it took a little while sitting and getting my momentum going, but now I’ve written 800 1300 1650 words.  And I’m sitting here actually crying as I type this paragraph, because this small little thing is like the biggest fucking thing in my life.

I don’t have any way to accurately explain what a big deal it is for me to have actively decided to write something and then to have actually actively produced content of my own volition and design, that wasn’t assigned to me and didn’t have a due date or a grade attached.  And, that I’ve done it repeatedly now…

OVER TEN YEARS.  Over ten years I went, writing almost nothing. Might as well have been zero words. Guys, I’ve been walking around with a trilogy of speculative fiction novels in my head for over ten years, I’ve been planning another unrelated novel for the last two.  I’ve been planning something like 30 fanfics, across two fandoms, and another 20 metas for the past year.  Part of me probably assumed feared that none of that would ever see the light of day. But now, it suddenly feels like maybe I’ll actually manage to write some of it.  And I’m hoping like fuck that it’s not just a fluke.

Now, the ADHD meds aren’t the only thing I’ve been doing to contribute to this ‘good place’ I’m in currently.  I’ve been going to counseling.  Apparently, I have a lot of negative feelings about myself and my inability to accomplish jack shit for a whole decade.  Who would’ve guessed?  I also have weekly sessions with the disabilities accessibility team at my university to work on external methods for dealing with my executive function issues. (Again, if you’re a student, utilize your university resources.  You’re already paying for them with tuition.)  And, this is obviously not an option for everyone, but even before I started the ADHD meds, I took advantage of the fact that I live in a state where certain botanical products are easily and legally available and found a brand of gummies that really help with my anxiety and panic attacks.  (They’re high cbd, low thc, so calming and don’t make you high.)

So far, the meds aren’t 100% sunshine and rainbows.  With the dose I’m at right now, where I’ve been Getting Things Done, I can actively feel the drug, which is… not the greatest.  I feel jittery, vaguely anxious, like I’ve drank way too much coffee but worse.  And, the decreased appetite is something I really have to be vigilant about, because I don’t have any room to lose weight.  These were both known possible side effects of stimulant meds, so I wasn’t surprised, and perhaps the doctor and I will be able to fine tune the dosing or try another med or something.  But right now, I think I’m really leaning toward, I’ll put up with the side effects, because holy shit, I can finally actually do what I want to do.  Also, I think (and Nice Doctor Lady thinks) the new higher dose is having a positive, stabilizing impact on my mood.

I guess my reason for writing all of this, other than pure catharsis, is to say, if you’re dealing with shit like this, try to be willing to consider all your options.  For whatever reason, I didn’t think about trying medication for my condition.  It wasn’t even like I was anti-meds or something.  I just didn’t even think about it.  Not until a few months back, when I sent a random ask to an ADHD blog on here, asking how they managed to make themselves write, and they responded with I had to get medication.  Suddenly, it was like… why have I not been considering this option?  So, this story is for anyone else out there that maybe also hadn’t thought to consider this option.

And really, not just the medication.  I’m a hide behind walls, overly independent, do things on my own, never ask for help sort of person.  But, I guess I finally reached a level of desperation where I was like, Clearly, doing this by myself, my way, has not gotten me the results I want.  So, fuck it, I’m going to ask for help from every professional available to me.  Which, I’m very lucky, and currently have ready access to multiple resources in a way not everyone does, but being open to getting this much assistance is very new territory for me.

I’m not really sure how best to wrap this up.  If anyone actually read all of this, I’m astonished and… Hi, I guess?  You really know quite a bit about me now.  Hopefully, I haven’t scared anyone off.  And, if anybody has further questions about any of this or you want to talk about your own issues, I’m sincerely available for that. I think the world we live in today makes it too easy to feel completely alone, even when you’re surrounded by people, and I’m here for chats, if you need it.