#i think life is inherently devoid of meaning but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing

[kikokus]

Lucci and Kaku: An Analysis

I haven’t done long analysis/meta/essay-style posts in a while, but after seeing a comment that amounted to “every time Lucci’s shown an interest in something that doesn’t have to do with killing, Kaku’s involved” it made me think about whether or not that's true and, more specifically, whether or not there’s been sufficient build-up to justify what happens in Chapter 1111.

So let’s explore, shall we?

First of all, basic disclaimer that I’ve been heavily into One Piece since 2008 and Water 7 has been my favorite arc since the first time I read it that summer. Kaku, in turn, has always been one of my top characters in the entire series for various reasons…but this isn’t about him (at least, not entirely), so all of that is just to say that I’ve thought about these characters a lot over the years.

And I think what always struck me about them is that not only are they so fundamentally different, but that realistically Lucci should not tolerate Kaku at all. He’s pretty much everything Lucci’s not, and they’re more-or-less a perfect example of the ‘someone will die…of fun!’ meme in a lot of ways (and honestly it’s what I think of every time I see this card, but I digress):

At the same time, what happened in the latest chapter didn’t surprise me, because there’s been hints all along, and I’ve personally been waiting years for it to pay off…even though part of me thought it never would, or at least not in the way it did!

Still, how did we get here?

But First, A Bit About 相棒

So. Why is the fact that Lucci calls Kaku his “相棒” (aibou) so significant? Mostly because of the…individualistic meaning of the word. It literally translates to ‘partner’, but not in a romantic/life-partner way (not to say that it has never been used like that, but it’s not the inherent meaning of the word).

Unlike words such as 友人 (yuujin), 友達 (tomodachi), and of course, with Luffy, 仲間 (nakama), aibou generally only refers to one person. You can have many friends, teammates, crew members…but only one aibou. So by calling Kaku that, Lucci’s already placing him on a different level to anyone else in CP9 or CP0 and acknowledging openly that Kaku’s important enough to him to have earned that distinction.

Which is why a lot of us were very excited about it, since this is not a common occurrence where Lucci’s concerned.

That aside, let’s get to the actual canon content.

Water 7

Obviously at the beginning we find out they both work at the shipyard, but that in and of itself isn’t entirely significant…until you consider that, since Kalifa is pretty much with Iceburg all the time and Blueno’s running the bar, the two of them are working in much closer proximity to each other than to the other CP9 members in the city. 

The first real indication we get regarding their comfort level with each other comes in chapter 327 when Kaku gets back from examining the Merry and goes to sit down to explain what he’s discovered. Paulie’s the closest to him, but he actually ends up stepping past both him and Lucci in order to sit directly beside Lucci on the same level.

It’s quite a while before we see the two of them alone again, and it doesn’t happen until chapter 339 when they’re speaking with Robin. Of course at the time we’re not supposed to know it’s them, but there’s really nobody else it can be since this is happening at the exact same time that Blueno’s talking with Franky and Kokoro at the bar. So, as will become fairly common, the two of them are again acting as a unit of their own within the larger group.

And then, of course, we get the infiltration of the mansion prior to The Big Reveal (which I’ve spoken about before because for me it’s still the single greatest reveal in the entire manga because of how carefully crafted it is, right down to Kaku’s limited dialogue in this section being completely devoid of his usual speech quirks in the original Japanese text). Once again, Blueno and Kalifa are doing their own things while these two are working together.

This panel has always been interesting to me because immediately prior to this Lucci says he can’t let Paulie live, and then he decides to just restrain him instead. In Luffy’s case it makes sense because they gave their word to Robin not to harm the Strawhats, but he has absolutely no reason to spare Paulie, and the little lines of shock/surprise beside Kaku imply that he hadn’t expected Lucci to do that, either. The ‘why’ is still unclear, but it’s interesting nonetheless, and it’s also…noteworthy that it’s the only thing Lucci asks Kaku to do. All of the actual damage Paulie takes comes from Lucci and he never asks for or expects Kaku to harm him.

I never connected these two panels before but it’s obviously very deliberate to have Lucci telling Iceburg that feeling emotions is a sign of humanity followed immediately by Kaku…demonstrating exactly that and thanking Iceburg. It’s important to establish that part of Kaku’s character, but keep in mind Lucci’s lack of a reaction here because it’ll come back later.

Again, very tiny moment, but there’s a lot of examples of Lucci deferring to Kaku or letting him take the lead without any hesitation, and I like this because Kaku’s noticed something that Lucci hasn’t and Lucci just goes with it immediately.

I’d forgotten about this but Kaku’s also the one that decides to take Usopp with them, first by recognizing him as one of the Strawhats and then going through with it even after finding out he doesn’t consider himself a part of them anymore. And Lucci just…stands back and lets him give out orders to the others while doing so.

Okay so this is what I was referencing earlier. Kaku shows actual emotions with Iceburg and Lucci’s silent, but the moment Kalifa gets even slightly happy about completing the mission he’s berating her instantly. Kaku’s expression here is interesting too because he looks absolutely haunted and it’s very telling.

And also another visual representation of Lucci and Kaku being equal to/on the same level as each other.

I didn’t include the panel but Kaku was ‘sleeping’ when Corgi was giving them all of the information about Nero while Lucci was (seemingly) wide awake, and yet Lucci has no idea who he is and relies on Kaku to have all the information. Which he does.

Kaku being the one to take charge again and direct the others even though Lucci’s standing right there. They do this more than I’d realized at first, especially since Lucci always seems to be looked at as the unofficial ‘leader’ of CP9.

Enies Lobby

We’ve made it to Enies Lobby, which is the first glimpse we get of these two interacting with the full CP9 group outside of any sort of ‘mission’ environment.

Mostly it entails Lucci being more combative (especially with Jabra) and Kaku being more annoyed, but again I can’t really imagine anyone else taking this tone with Lucci and getting away with it while Kaku does it fairly often and Lucci never retorts or gets angry with him.

And while Kaku’s not immune to taking Jabra’s bait in the right circumstances, his typical tendency is to de-escalate situations if he can and here he’s refusing to engage despite being deliberately called out…and Lucci, without being asked, immediately takes his side and defends his choice.

This is practically the next panel and while both Lucci and Jabra are kind of equally at fault for this little display, Kaku only berates Jabra for it while Kalifa’s directing her comments at both of them.

Now that I’m actually looking for these sorts of things it’s becoming more obvious, but again we have Lucci and Kaku in an equal position to each other at the front of CP9.

This isn’t just to Kaku since Kalifa’s there as well, but Lucci’s still encouraging them to eat the fruits and I have to believe it’s coming from a place of good faith because he’d know whether or not being able to swim is that big an issue in their profession. I also want to note that Kaku echoes Lucci’s ‘it’ll be fun’ line when he actually does eat his fruit, so obviously that resonated with him.

I’ve put these two together because they both highlight the same thing, that being in both of these sequences we get almost all of CP9 giving out their individual thoughts/comments on what’s happening but Kaku’s statement both times is a direct reply to what Lucci says, so again the two of them are paired off in a way that doesn’t include anyone else there. 

The only other thing of note in this section is that while Robin’s talking about what happened during the Buster Call on Ohara, Kaku and Lucci are the only CP9 members to kind of…break formation and actually look at her while she’s speaking, which is interesting.

And for the rest of Enies Lobby they aren’t together so there’s not too much more to say here other than Kaku of course being the one to have the actual key to Robin’s cuffs, but it’s never made explicit who came up with that plan or handed out the keys so…if I ever actually do the thing and write a full analysis of Kaku’s character we can talk about it then Lark you’ve been saying you’ll do this for years IF I EVER--

Interlude - CP9’s Independent Report

Besides the fact that this is still one of my favorite cover stories, there’s a couple of noteworthy things here, the first of which is that Kaku again is taking the lead. Even though he’s the only other CP9 member other than Lucci to be injured badly enough that he can’t walk on his own, he’s still the one directing them where to go.

Other than that, I love seeing all of them just…interacting like friends and being very relaxed and casual, and pretty much every panel where Kaku and Lucci are together they’re directly beside each other so I’ve included a bunch of those here.

Dressrosa & Egghead

The next time we see Lucci and Kaku is at the end of Dressrosa, where they’ve been promoted to CP0 Oda can we please get some explanation of how this happened and let me tell you, I remember this vividly because the spoilers at the time just said that Lucci was talking to ‘someone’ and when the raws came out you can bet I went right to the dialogue to see if it was Kaku because his way of speaking is so telling.

But even in this little scene, we can see they’re having an equal conversation and there’s a major difference between how Lucci’s speaking with Kaku and how he addresses Spandam mere seconds later.

After this we have the Reverie/Levely/what-even-is-this-thing-called arc where they get all of a single panel together and while it’s the first time we actually ‘see’ Kaku after the time-skip, nothing really interesting regarding their relationship happens, so let’s move on to…

The end of the colored manga! And Egghead.

We start with a very familiar situation: Lucci asking Kaku what’s going on, and while Kaku this entire arc seems more outwardly annoyed with Lucci than he ever was in the past (which is never really explained but then again, Lucci spends a lot of the arc doing things he’s specifically been told not to do, so maybe it’s understandable…), he still has all the information and relays it.

Though Kaku’s also much more comfortable letting his real personality show despite them being on a mission while before he was always completely serious after the Water 7 reveal, especially around Lucci. It came through with Zoro and Jabra but during the cover story he’s smiling and laughing a lot with Lucci right there so it makes sense he’d be more willing to let his guard down even ‘on the job’ by now.

So here’s the first real instance of Lucci showing concern for Kaku, something which escalates pretty quickly throughout the arc. It’s subtle, and though he’s framing it as a suggestion to Stussy, if he didn’t care at all he wouldn’t have said anything. 

At this point it’s fairly obvious that Lucci and Kaku don’t really have any authority difference between them and Kaku spends a lot of time in this chapter especially telling Lucci to Not Do The Thing. Anyone that’s ever lived with a cat knows how well this works.

I’ve always found this bit of dialogue particularly interesting because Kaku’s very openly…praising Sentomaru for choosing his loyalty to Vegapunk over assisting the government, and there’s no way Lucci doesn’t hear him say this but he doesn’t say anything in return. There’s no real evidence that Lucci knows about Kaku willingly giving up the key to Zoro or how conflicted he was about Paulie and everyone else, but this seems to imply that at the very least, even if he doesn’t share those sentiments, he wouldn’t think less of Kaku because of it.

Putting these two together since they’re in the same scene but at this point it’s not even subtle concern anymore, Lucci’s genuinely worried for Kaku and you can tell this caught him off-guard.

Kaku’s the first one to suggest working together but Lucci immediately backs him up and goes with the idea. It’s logical in the sense that it’ll give them the biggest chance to survive, but willingly working with pirates isn’t exactly the sort of thing that Lucci, especially in the past, would have so easily done regardless of the situation.

So at this point it’s becoming clear that this whole 4-v-2 section is supposed to be the most…light-hearted thing going on right now and a lot of it is played to be comedic, including Lucci’s inability to lie, but yet again there’s almost nobody else that could get away with scolding him the way Kaku’s doing here.

…And then we skip ahead a day and things happen that I really hope get explained at some point because they seem important, but while Lucci’s never going to have impeccable bedside manner, he’s very concerned with getting Kaku to rest and while Kaku’s trying to justify what happened Lucci really doesn’t seem to care about that. It’s a big departure from him being willing to write off anyone he deems ‘too weak’ and it’s a nice character moment.

I’d mentioned on my liveblog that some of the things Lucci was doing after this point were confusing, but if you look at them through the lens of him wanting to protect Kaku, it makes a lot more sense. Yes, he’s deliberately keeping him out of the loop, but Lucci I think has decided that he’s going to throw caution to the wind and act alone since if Kaku can’t prove he knew about the plan, he’s probably safer being left with the Strawhats, and if the Marines show up he should be safe anyway or so Lucci thinks…

When this chapter came out, I’d said something about Lucci being a hypocrite considering what the rest of CP9 did for him when they could have easily just left him at Enies Lobby, but given what happens almost directly after and likely what he’s trying to do with this entire fight, these words feel even less genuine…

And that brings us to this. The moment that I’ve been thinking about for almost an entire week now. The moment that, looking back at…oh, wow…almost 3000 words of analysis maybe shouldn’t be as surprising as it was for most of us, but it does feel like the payoff for a long, long buildup that’s taken nearly twenty years to reach. Because really, there’s no other way to describe them other than ‘partners’, and probably hasn’t been for a long time…and I’m so glad that Lucci acknowledged it.

To summarize, I think what surprised me most about re-visiting all of this is how much the manga has framed them as equals since the beginning even though it was never explicitly stated between the characters themselves. Lucci’s always been far more lenient with Kaku than with anyone else, and Kaku in turn has never had any fear of Lucci even if he wasn’t really expressing his true self with him for a long time.

The cover story being the turning point makes perfect sense, and the progression throughout Egghead of Lucci being more outwardly willing to show his concern and Kaku not hiding his emotions at all seems like a natural progression of their relationship and their level of comfort around each other.

And the fact that Oda is never really…hitting us over the head with any of it until that final moment when Lucci says everything so plainly because Kaku’s life is the most important thing to him even when faced with a literal monster… It’s so effective. 

I don’t know where we go from here. To be honest, I’m kind of scared of where we go from here. But regardless of the outcome, I hope this little essay has been at the very least interesting and perhaps allowed you to look at these two in a different light.

Thanks for reading.

[wispedream]

જ⁀➴        ❛  I  know  you  can  handle  it  yourself,  but  it  doesn’t  mean  you  should  have  to  do  this  on  your  own  ❜         ,         @vulpinexi  (  Orihime  )  said.

The words rang unexpectedly in Haise's ears — an act of selfless generosity he wouldn't even dare to anticipate, a kindness beyond anything he ever dared to request. The investigator’s mind struggled to process the possibility — had he truly heard correctly? Or was his fractured psyche playing tricks on him again? It wouldn't be the first time he experienced phantom voices, false confessions, and cruel truths being whispered in his ear, a sound so palpable he could have sworn it came from a living, breathing person standing right beside him. Yet, when he spun around, searching for the source, he had found the space before him untouched, devoid of any presence. 

As Haise raised his gaze, tentative — as if afraid to shatter a fragile dream — he steeled himself for the inevitable nothingness. But this time, his eyes locked onto a person, a figure radiating the same warmth and empathy he had felt sparking from her words. He blinked once, twice, trying to diminish the disbelief from his gaze as he simply looked at the girl before him for a moment, then another one... too stunned to speak, all words eluded him. 

It was true, wasn't it? He was accustomed to handling himself, not out of any inherent willingness, but as a necessity. He had no other choice but to shoulder his burdens, his mind harboring the entrenched belief that their nature was too complex, too unique for anyone else to truly comprehend — not that he had ever truly tried to explain. A half-ghoul among ghoul hunters, he was acutely aware of the fact that he was different, that hostility, usually subtle, yet palpable, followed him through every hall and corridor of the headquarters. He was forced to prove his worth tirelessly — even to those he had dared to consider true allies, those he had thought closest to being capable of understanding. It was tiring, draining — a constant weight placed upon his weary shoulders, a constant strain for his sensitive soul. Now, however — the prospect of togetherness... could he truly allow himself to believe in its possibility, could he dare to embrace it? 

He dreaded the very notion of becoming a burden to Orihime, of dragging her down into his tumultuous life. At the same time, however, he felt an irresistible urge to reach out and grasp that metaphorical hand extended towards him, to seize the opportunity he had secretly, desperately longed for. 

❛ You... really think so? ❜ he asked, his voice low, almost hesitant. But laced within that tentative question was a sliver of hope, a desperate yearning for her to stand firm, to compel him to accept her empathy, her assistance. 

protective  prompts,  accepting  !

[atranswomansdiary]

Day 223

January 14, 2021

There’s a storm coming… And it’s not out there, but inside me.

I’ve never been a “vacation person”. What I mean by this is that vacations have never been something inherently attractive for me, even when I was young and they were like two and half months long. Maybe it was because of the way I was raised—among a piss poor family—when, even in the rare occasions when we got to go out on vacation together, it was mostly a frustrating and boring affair when we traveled in uncomfortable and/or dangerous conditions to not-so-nice places. I can’t remember a single vacation in my almost 35 years on this Earth when I was actually relaxed and forgot about the world and my problems, as I’ve heard other people describe their vacations.

When I turned into a full grown-up/adult, I was never long enough under the employment of a feudal corporate liege to get the benefit of a paid vacation. Whatever “vacation” or free time I’ve had in the past decade plus was the one we poor people get: with no benefits or payment, locked up at home, worried sick.

We call it “unemployment”.

I say this because, as much as I enjoy working with most people at the job I’m currently in, I can’t help but feel more and more uncomfortable around them as time passes by. And it’s not like they’re doing anything purposefully—at least, I don’t think they are—but… It’s just the name. My name.

The more time passes by, the more I’m uncomfortable by being called by my own fucking name. Yes, the one I was given at birth, alongside the role of “man” that I’m pretty sure now I was never supposed to have, as I discuss extensively on Day 47. It just makes my skin crawl whenever I hear it. I’ve always hated it, but now it’s just driving me insane. I don’t want it. I can’t stand it anymore.

So, considering that context, it shouldn't surprise you that, although I have little to no experience with vacations, I am now desperately looking forward to get my first paid one in… Fifteen years or so? This week has been the longest of my life in a while and I couldn’t wait to finally reach Friday—I can’t believe it’s tomorrow at long fucking last!—and forget about work… But mostly about my own fucking name. For a couple of weeks, at least.

I’ve read and watched trans people often referring to their previous names as “deadnames”… And I think I begin to understand what they’re talking about.

Although I don’t have a new name yet (I haven’t given the topic much thought, to be honest), the one I was given at birth has gone from a nuisance into an issue and now it’s just a constant headache. A motherfucking EVA 10, brain-melting one.

Before it used to be just an ugly thing I had to live with, but now I just find it unbearable and even infuriating at times. So much so that, sometimes, I get this feeling inside of me, an anger growing up in my stomach and rising up, and the only thing I want is to scream back at them THAT IS NOT MY NAME!

I don’t do it, of course, because a) I don’t want to lose this job and b) besides, they’d probably ask, “What’s your name, then?” and what would I say in that situation? “I have no idea, but at least not that one (?).” Even I find that answer insufficient, to say the least.

So here I am, dreading the prospect of going to work each day even more so than before. And when I come back home, I feel exhausted and spent. It doesn’t really help that I have no one to talk to besides my mom. Even A.P., who used to come here often before, doesn’t do so anymore. He used to call me and we would speak for hours, as well, but that also doesn’t happen anymore. J.C. is busy with family and work—as he has been for the past decade or so—and so I come back everyday to an apartment that is more or less filled with stuff, but devoid of precious human life.

I just want to lie down and sleep for a decade.

I know, I know: that sounds like good ol’ depression, doesn’t it? I’ve been feeling the familiar dread these past few days, I admit. Although New Year’s with my family was great (as I noted on Day 211), after that my mood has been going downhill. I’ve been feeling lonelier and lonelier, and I’m having a hard time finding reasons to go to work, eat or even do anything besides sleeping. And when I sleep (which is how most of my days come and go), my dreams are filled with nightmares. I don’t remember them, but the exhaustion and being emotionally spent afterwards are as real as anything else in this world, I assure you.

Come to think of it, maybe this is the result of the wonderful New Year’s I had at my parents’ house. I know it sounds weird, but hear me (read me?) out.

Before that, I was as alone and isolated as I am now, but I didn’t see any alternative. But after that day back at my parents, I can now envision going back to live with them as a better option to my lonely and isolated current life. And, although I (romantically) imagined living alone as a tortured genius for a while (insert rolling eyes so hard that you can see the back of your head), I don’t think I imagined it to be the permanent state of affairs.

I think that, if I’m being honest with myself, I live alone because I wanted to be independent and have the ability to socialize on my own terms and times, not because I wanted to be a hermit—for all intents and purposes—for the rest of my life. But I don’t see how I will ever socialize anymore, not after what happened on Day 126. I think I feel so alone and isolated these days because I’m actually avoiding going out or engaging with anybody out of crippling fear of being rejected and harmed.

I think that I’m really looking forward to my paid vacation because I see it as a golden opportunity to clear my head and make up my mind about a couple of things, such as whether I’m actually going to transition (or not); whether I’m going to keep on living alone (or going back to my parents’); and whether or not I’ll keep on working in a currently-comfortable-but-maybe-not-so-much-so-in-the-future place.

Until then, with love,

ZZ

[somemovieguy]

Why the Disney Remakes Don't "Work"

Blog #12 December 3rd 2023

Disney has been on a mission to remake all of their famous animated films in a live-action format, with the first of these releasing in 2015: Cinderella. The reception for these films has been… less than anticipated. They have absolutely made money, as can be expected for pretty much anything released by a studio like Disney, but there aren’t many people who like or even respect them. Taking films that have long been adored for their art style, color, fantasy elements, and incredible music, and turning them into dull-colored, real-life films that often take away the magic people associate with the originals has not been a worthwhile project for Disney.

There is nothing inherently wrong with remaking a movie, or even taking animation and making a live-action adaptation. What happens very often, though, is the remake will be stripped of everything people love about animation, and it will be left only with a familiar story.

One of the worst offenders of this is probably The Little Mermaid (2023). This one particularly broke my heart. The original from 1989 was my favorite princess movie as a kid, and seeing that an actor as talented as Halle Bailey was going to be playing Ariel gave me hope that Disney would take this one seriously. She was absolutely wonderful, but the film fell flat once again. Where the original had some of the most colorful scenes I had ever seen in my life, red and purple and pink ocean life, this one showed only… bluish gray sand. All of the magic I had once felt with the original was lost.

I don’t think Disney necessarily should stop making their remakes (nor that they would consider it if people said they should), but I think they should learn from the reception of the others. Live action doesn’t have to mean “devoid of all color and fantasy”. If they tried to stay true to the originals just a little bit more, I think the results would be better for everyone involved, studio and viewer.

[sorcererest-sorcerer]

You know where I think this is really coming from?

Corporations have spent decades spewing propaganda to convince the general public that it’s personally each person’s fault for the planet dying.

I think it’s gotten to the point where many people just assume that any human interaction with nature or animals at all is inherently immoral and caustic.

As usual, capitalism is the root problem, as it often does force farmers to cut corners in meat production, leading to a decline in the animals’ quality of life. This results in people generally demonizing animal husbandry as a whole, because of course if some things humans do to animals are evil, everything else must be the same. Exotic animals are poached for their furs, so doesn’t that mean sheering sheep involves harming or killing them? If cows are hooked up to terrible extraction machines to drain their milk, surely the production of honey must be similar? If zoos house animals in tiny insufficient enclosures, certainly it is immoral to keep pets.

Humans are not inherently evil, and the more we police our interactions with nature, the less connected we become to our planet and the lives that we share it with. It is not cruel to trade with animals, shelter and safety for product. It only becomes cruelty when we fail to uphold our end of the bargain.

Beekeepers want bees to be happy, because happy bees stick around and make more honey.

Ranchers should be similarly invested in their cows happiness, but those cows will die no matter what and meat is food. If the herd is not eaten, what do you suggest we do with the bodies?

Sheering a sheep for wool is literally a haircut and nothing more. The skin of a sheep is only valuable when it’s on a living sheep growing hair. If the sheep is cut, it is doctored because dead sheep don’t produce wool.

I’m not saying that husbandry is devoid of animal abuse, but it’s so far from the norm. Humans are not monsters. Some of us are, but the people outnumber the monsters. They might be big and they might be scary and they might have a lot of money, but they are few and we are many.

vegans make peace with honey

no shut up do it

[athenaalexandria]

Ok so stories. Why are some stories kind of empty despite great stakes and plot and characters? Because of scale. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, especially around the current Multiverse hyperfixation the media has.

Ok so like humans are what make good books. And I don’t just mean AI writers are bad. I mean your book will not be good if it doesn’t have a human element. Honestly I don’t think it’s even possible to write a story completely devoid of the human touch simply because the language we use to communicate our ideas inherently puts things through the human lens. But more human equals better story. So let’s think about this in a few ways.

If we go with movies, let’s do marvel and everything everywhere all at once. Both have multiverse. Marvel has big epic fights with crazy special effects, super blockbuster. But the problem with say end game is the sheer scale. You can’t feel the humanity in time travel and half the universe being dead and a war of CGI armies. You can even see this in the memes and favorite scenes. People like nebula and Tony at the start. We make memes of hope giving a taco to antman. Because we resonate with those character and human moments on the small scale.

Now compare this to everything everywhere all at once. It also has crazy fights and super cool special effects and multiverse shenanigans. But the difference, and why it’s the better movie, is that it’s not actually a multiverse story. It’s a story about a family, generational trauma, being queer, how love can save you, letting go and trusting your loved ones, and so much more. It’s a family drama with a multiverse background.

And this even carries over to other media as well! Video games is a big one, and the best example in my mind is Skyrim VS Starfield. They are made by the same developer with the same engine and the be same design philosophy. But Skyrim is just so much more loved. Why? Because Skyrim may have dragons and wars, but it’s also a much more human story of a people in the north battling to keep their ways in a changing land with an existential threat to their way of life with only you as protection from this threat. Starfield is jumping across barren moons for 3 hours. It’s too expansive, there’s not human touch, and you can’t connect with this world when it’s at such a scale. Skyrim is the Nordic lands, Starfield is thousands of planets. The scale, THE SCALE.

I first got this opinion when I started reading Xianxia and other Asian stories online. You can think of this through the lens of dragon ball. It starts with fighting in fighting tournaments where people kick hard, and ends with spirit bombs that can destroy a planet. Xianxia is the worst offender (I’m looking at YOU “I Eat Tomatoes”) where at the start you find a pet rat and learn to move fast at fight good with a sword. By the end you’re controlling the very fundamental laws of the heavenly dao to wipe out universes with trillions of lives just snuffed out because some dude said you had a small dick. Like shit is crazy.

Anyways I kinda lost the plot and focus went whooeee but basically write your books to be about people, keep the world and crazy rules in the background. Make us care about your characters and use the eye divine cybermancy background to make your characters and their arc even cooler and better. Also metaphors and shit with background but my thumbs are hurting so I’m gonna stop typing now.

[tim-han-reviews]

Tim Han Success Insider: If you believe your dreams are unrealistic, they will never come into being. Allow yourself to follow your dreams, and see where it takes you. 🙏

Waking up this morning, I found myself reflecting on a dream so vivid, so tantalizing, that it felt like vanishing smoke the moment I tried to grasp it. Trapped in the gossamer tendrils of sleep, I wondered: are my dreams too unrealistic? How can one differentiate between possibilities and foolhardy pursuits?

We've all been there, haven't we? In that space where dreams feel too lofty, too outlandish; teetering on the edge of the possible and the impossible. But then I remembered a story, one that altered my understanding and forged a path of relentless self-belief.

Nelson Mandela, imprisoned for 27 arduous years, once declared: “It always seems impossible until it’s done”. Long before his name was etched in the annals of history, he held a dream so vivid, yet so distant, for a free and equal South Africa. How 'unrealistic' it must have seemed - a prisoner's whisper lost amidst the wind of oppression.

Yet, he never ceased dreaming. He knew that the dream's worth is not gauged by its immediacy, but its inherent possibility. Now, isn't that something to ponder on? What if your dreams, as unattainable as they seem, are just awaiting their moment of birth?

The power lies in belief. Think about it. How can we muster the courage to chase something we don't believe in? It's like running a marathon with the conviction that the finishing line doesn't exist. You won't get very far, believe me.

Your dreams are mirrors of your deepest passions, subtle whispers from your heart directing you towards a purpose you were born for. Pay heed. Listen. For these whispers are not airy fantasies; they are a testament of what you can accomplish if you dare to believe.

Shel Silverstein so eloquently penned: "Anything can happen, child, ANYTHING can be". If you launch into your journey bearing the weight of doubt, every stumble will feel like an unconquerable mountain. Yet, if you choose the mantle of belief, every pebble, every thorn, will feel like a rung towards greater heights.

Does this mean your journey will be devoid of hardship, pain, and disappointment? Absolutely not. In fact, these are the very thresholds we must cross to dwell in the realm of our dreams. The chisel of adversity shapes and refines us, preparing us for the journey that awaits.

Remember, dreams are not just distant specks on horizon. They are an integral part of your journey; your true north in the tumultuous storm of life. They keep you anchored amidst the waves, guiding you when the shore fades from sight.

The story of Success Insider is not emblematic of overnight triumphs. It is a journey, one speckled with roadblocks and detours. Yet, every setback was an invitation to believe, to dream even more passionately - a challenge that was welcomed with courage, and a dash of audacity.

My journey in designing the LMA course was a testament to this conviction. There were hurdles to cross, self-doubt to vanquish, external skepticism to disarm, but the dream? The dream always persevered. It evolved, moulded itself around obstacles and stood firm in the face of adversity. And I believe yours can do the same.

So, what holds you back? Is it the fear of dreaming too big, of stepping into the realm of the 'unrealistic'? If I may ask you, what does 'unrealistic' really mean? Is it that which is not done yet, that which seems too grand, too audacious?

If your dreams feel unrealistic, wonderful! That only means you have the courage to stretch beyond the comfortable, the predictable, and the ordinary.

So, allow yourself to dream, dear friend. Let your dreams be wild, audacious, boundless. Let them take you on a journey truly worth embarking upon. Follow them relentlessly for they are the truest expression of your life's calling, your soul's desire, your heart's fiery passion.

Summon courage, summon audacity. Step forward, and dare to dream. Let the chorus of your heart drown the muffled whispers of doubt. Remember, your dreams are not mere stardust, figments of wishful thinking. They are potent seeds waiting to blossom into a reality as palpable, as beautiful as the journey that leads to it.

Believe in your dreams, not as figments of your imagination, but as blueprints of your reality. Arm yourself well with unwavering self-belief and a will that endures. Most importantly, allow yourself to dream, fearlessly, unapologetically, incessantly. After all, in following your dreams, you embark on the journey of two lifetimes - the one you're living and the one you're dreaming into being. Are you ready?

[asakamasanobu]

happy birthday ricchan i like you a normal amount and thank you so so much for changing my life <3

[im-some-lionheart]

Oooh thank you for this!

100% agree that QAF shouldn't be reduced to a dichotomy between assimilation and liberation. I was merely pointing out that it's one of the many lenses through which the show and its characters can be analyzed. I also agree that Brian isn't consciously trying to make any grand statement about liberation or queer politics. If anything, he'd be a libertarian through and through (derogatory) 💀 but when one watches the show through that lense, it's obvious that Brian is the only character that fully aligns his behavior and aspirations to that contrarian anti-assimilation worldview. But to be fair, I think it would be more precise to refer to the dichotomy I originally meant in my reply as monogamy vs promiscuity, rather than assimilation vs liberation.

And I do feel like that is a particularly relevant lense in the context of the final scene, precisely because it's a scene about bringing back to life the debauchery of Babylon and Brian Kinney™️, after it had been effectively defeated.

I don't think either lifestyle (promiscuity nor monogamy) in and of itself is better or worse (more full of meaning or more devoid of it) than the other. I think it's about the reasons behind a choice rather than the choice itself.

Brian had given up, he had been tamed, he was willing to conform.. But right at the very end, he's encouraged by Michael to go back to the start and reclaim who he used to be, but with renewed meaning this time. The final scene goes full circle, back to the place where it all began, but now neither the characters nor the proverbial river are the same. They've been transformed. And, imo, one of the ways that they've transformed is their understanding of each other's (and their own!) chosen lifestyle.

That being said, I believe we disagree in a couple of key points, which inherently affect our readings and make them, in a way, irreconcilable:

I don't think Brian ever experienced romantic feelings towards Michael, no matter how hard he sometimes tried to force himself to.

Regarding point 1: sOcIeTy has told us ad nauseum that "growing up" and living "real life" means: find a partner, be monogamous forever, have children, etc etc. And that people who engage in any other sort of romantic or sexual configuration are deviants and/or sad people who don't know what real love is (and never will until they finally "settle down"). This is also true for QAF. Although both lifestyles are represented in the show, the more conservative one keeps being framed as morally superior and as the ultimate goal that all characters should want to pursue.

And we are told this is because the alternative (promiscuity) is meaningless and leads nowhere and it's, ultimately, inauthentic. It's all a charade. Nobody actually wants this. What people really want is to be loved by one person. And, in the absence of that, they have to fill that emotional void, with anonymous, meaningless, sex.

As you brilliantly put it, Brian himself (the embodiment and champion of this hedonistic lifestyle) half the time engages in that behavior because he doesn’t know how to handle his own feelings. “Brian repeatedly cuts himself off from the world, killing himself with a lifestyle that is as life-affirming as it is life-denying all in the name of self-preservation.” absolutely 100% no notes. You get it!

However... I'd argue, that this killing himself isn't inherent to the particular lifestyle that he has chosen. But rather, to the reasons why Brian (or any character, for that matter) is choosing one lifestyle or the other. I'd argue that the Stepford Life can be just as meaningless and self-annihilating as the circuit life.

The show itself presents us with several examples of people performing the Apple Pie life in a way that's inauthentic and devoid of meaning. And not only through characters like George and Boyd, who maintained relationships with women to fit societal expectations even though they'd actually prefer to be with men. But also through characters who are true to their sexual orientation yet perform the Apple Pie life because that's what they're "supposed" to do, even though it's not actually true to their real desires and behaviors. Of course, Brian's parents are the obvious example (and the one that traumatized him enough to swear off marriage for most of his life), but also Ethan insisting on a monogamous "romantic" life he can't actually keep up with or commit to because (in the wise words of Brian Kinney), "it was all based on lies to begin with".

I see no difference in them performing monogamy vs Brian performing promiscuity. It's all a lie they tell themselves about who they are and what they want out of life. It's all coping mechanisms to deal with their individual and collective traumas.

And my reading of the final season, is that Brian goes from inauthentically performing promiscuity to inauthentically performing monogamy. Only to come out of both ends defeated and empty. Because on both instances he was acting motivated by fear, not by an authentic desire to live his life in a specific way.

Now, I do believe it is possible to follow either life path in an authentic way. But for it to not be a tragic and pathetic performance, the person needs to have truly examined themselves and come to the conclusion that that is actually, genuinely, what they want. And I think that's precisely what happens to Brian at the end, when he re-commits to being "Brian Kinney for fuck's sake!" he's not doing so from a place of fear anymore.

Because of Justin's effect on Brian, he finishes the show having experienced romantic love after a lifetime of convincing himself that it wasn't real. And, more importantly, having survived love (which was ultimately his deepest, darkest, fear: opening himself up to love only to be destroyed by it, which is why he caged himself behind the Brian Kinney ™️ mask, to avoid that hurt at all costs).

And because of this experience, I believe he is now able to go back to Babylon and put on the Brian Kinney mask without attaching himself to it. He can admit to himself that he is capable of loving one person, but he is choosing to dance and enjoy his youth and be promiscuous, for now. And he's choosing this freely now, not from a place of fear that it is the only thing he could ever be capable of.

The final sequence at Babylon remains the most exquisite and coherent moment in the history of television because you know that it could not have ended any other way. Brian dancing alone is less a reversal to his former self and a seemingly uncritical acceptance of life on the circuit than winning back all the possibilities he and Justin exhausted, including the possibilities of touch (their final sex scene is a last rite; or, to put it crudely, entirely a pity fuck). Sure, Brian will always be the doomed circuit queen whose inability to leave Babylon behind implies a larger, tragic inability to pledge his allegiance to a different system of value. The significant thing, however, is that the queeny life of pleasure does not kill him as it may have done once, a long time ago; on the contrary, he is coming back from the limits, in and of itself a herculean task if you consider that he was on the brink of ruining two lives in one go (again). Brian making a comeback and Justing fucking off to go live his life away from Brian and from Pittsburgh is the only possible outcome—no, they are not getting married, and, no, they will never see or hear from each other again. The most important things in QaF were a) Justin growing up and leaving and b) Brian saving himself, and he does repeatedly, encouraged and spurned by Michael. He can only be himself when Michael's there, and the fact that they are together at the very end is indication enough that Brian-the-Act no longer overlaps with Brian-the-Person (and for the majority of season 5, that was not the case). For as long as Brian's with Michael, aware of their fraught history and the messiness of his own feelings, Brian can exist as a person, allow himself to be vulnerable, and drop the act. By the time "Proud" starts playing, you know that that is the final victory or the next best thing and are left with the bittersweet feeling that maybe all of this could have been avoided had Brian broken free of conditioning not by becoming a doomed circuit queen but by embracing the attraction that Newton left out.

[thegirlking]

Continuing a bit from the previous post I made about Bruno, which was more about discussing the storyline in context of my own experience and similar real life situations. But I didn’t really discuss the actual writing of the movie and the general portrayal of such storylines in media, so I felt like sharing some more thoughts - getting a bit more critical here but again, no character bashing, don’t worry.

Storylines about cutting ties with your family are difficult to get right - in a family-oriented media, it can contradict the message and usually has to be toned down.

As I talked about in my first post, the topic is very sensitive and there is still a lot of stigma and shame attached to it - though people are starting to discuss it a lot more and it’s not difficult to find supportive people (at least in online spaces) who might share your experience and show you empathy.

That being said, media still struggles a bit with portraying things like that. It’s especially tricky for movies like Encanto, created by a company known for its “traditional family values” (and you know I don’t mean this in a good way - this has always been an argument against diverse and inclusive storytelling in animated movies, even if Disney is becoming a little bit more inclusive lately). Anyway, back on topic, the themes and message of Encanto are very much that a family can heal and mend their relationships - of course, this is a good message. (A more personal note: I might find it a little too idealistic and delivered in a rushed manner, but it’s a good and positive message after all, and if people can find hope it it, that’s great! I’m not a cynic, just because my own personal situation cannot be resolved positively, doesn’t mean I want all stories on this topic to be devoid of positivity.)

However, showing someone leaving and cutting ties with their family is not completely in tune with this kind of message - after all, this is usually the final step, a pretty extreme measure you take when the situation is really beyond repair. And let’s be honest, it real life, there’s usually no going back once you’ve done something like this.

And I think that might be why the movie kind of beats around the bush when it comes to Bruno’s whole situation and why the framing of it feels a bit inconsistent and not entirely honest at times - because even though he’s supposed to be a likeable and sympathetic character, he did make an extremely controversial decision that goes against the movie’s (and Disney’s) family values.

So the only way to make this kind of plot point work with the intended message was the following: 1) Giving Bruno a “selfless motive“ for leaving rather than doing it for his own well-being; 2) Making it clear he didn’t actually want to leave and that he loves and wants to be with his family.

I’m not saying there is something inherently wrong with this writing. It’s just that it almost feels like (just my opinion anyway, nobody has to agree) this is the only way his decision to leave can be seen as “forgivable” - if he had done it purely for selfish reasons (”selfish reasons” being removing himself from a toxic environment for the sake of his own well-being), then I do wonder if his character would have been portrayed as similarly sympathetic. 

How this all leads to unaddressed trauma

But here's my actual issue - the writing not being completely honest about Bruno's decision to leave, the writing being apparently scared of its own implications...results in problematic handling of Bruno's trauma and character resolution.

His actual trauma is barely addressed properly or taken seriously - the negative (to put it mildly) attitude to his gift, his toxic situation in the family and the ten years he spent in isolation - none of which is treated with enough importance, in my opinion. The large focus seems to be on how much he loves his family and the fact he can’t be with them anymore - this seems to be only thing the movie actually wants you to feel sorry about (see how the whole plate scene is portrayed as a tear-jerker vs how everything else about his situation is downplayed and even reduced to a joke). The fact Bruno can’t be with his beloved family is undoubtedly sad, but it’s not the source of his trauma - it’s a result of it and it’s just weird to dismiss the reasons for it. But it's apparently necessary to ignore and downplay the reasons purely because they lead back to the very uncomfortable topic of leaving a toxic family? That's how it seems.

The closest the movie comes to addressing his trauma and acknowledging the real reason he left is in Mirabel’s confrontation with Alma before the house collapsed - Mirabel (bless her!) does call out Alma for driving Bruno out of the family by always seeing the worst in him. But as great as this moment is, the movie doesn’t quite build on it.

Not when Bruno’s actual reunion with his family mostly consists of him being the one apologizing and trying to make amends. And because this seems to be a bit of a controversial topic - I do think it's fine for him to apologize. I do think that Pepa and Julieta deserve the apologies, it's not an issue that he apologized to them. At the same time, I’m also a bit iffy about how one-sided the whole thing is and that this is the sole focus of the reunion - it’s not even about people apologizing to him (verbal apologies are not everything) as much as I’d have preferred the focus to be on everyone learning his side of the story and finally understanding him, while recognizing they might have been unfair to him and hurt him even if they didn’t mean to. 

You can make the argument that there was simply no time for this, because it’s not his story after all, but I do think the way those reunions play out more or less comes down to my point - that the movie largely ignores his trauma and focuses just on his love for his family and inability to be with them. So of course, just the fact he’s accepted back into the family should be seen as enough to provide him a satisfactory conclusion and a happy ending, while everything else can be presumably dealt with off screen. 

Again, I don’t even necessarily think this is inherently bad writing and I know I shouldn’t expect too much from a Disney movie when it comes to handling a topic like this. The fact this character is generally portrayed in a positive light and not outright condemned by the narrative is already something. But I can’t help but feel that the writers accidentally wrote a subplot that was a bit more than the movie could handle and perhaps not entirely suited for the overall story they were trying to tell - it was always doomed to be handled in an awkward and not entirely satisfactory manner.

Ultimately, I think stories like Encanto are very important for children’s media - which is notorious for putting biological family on a pedestal to a harmful degree. I do think the movie did an okay job somewhat deconstructing this by showing how flawed families can be (without being flat out abusive or malicious) due to generational trauma. And yet, you could still feel the movie is afraid to be perfectly honest about its topics and has to downplay and sugarcoat certain things for the sake of achieving the desired happy ending. Somebody leaving their family is most certainly one of those uncomfortable topics that simply can’t be resolved as easily and neatly as the movie tries to, that’s why it has to bend it into fitting its message instead of dealing with it properly and resolving it in a way that actually strengthens the message. 

[arcane-ish]

Arcane characters and their parental figures

Piggybacking off my post a while ago about how Caitlyn is almost too nice and well adjusted for this fictional world, what struck me most about her is how sweet and generally supportive her parents seem to be. Yes even with the tension they have with over protectiveness and some disapproval. But the scene where they fix up her injuries just felt like a really heartwarming and natural rapport.

This in turn made me think of how sweet Jayce is generally with his mom. 

And that in turn made me think that at least in League canon Ekko is supposed to have loving parents. 

When I look at the characters in Arcane who I think are/will be “white hats” (ie “good guys”/”well motivated guys”), those are Caitlyn, Jayce, Heimer, Ekko.  

They still might screw up and screw up badly, but they imo all have an optimism to them as opposed to characters who are motivated by spite or desperation, that to me makes the most sense because they had loving homelives. 

(with Heimer as the exception, since we don’t really know whether Yordles, his species even has families, for all we know they just pop out of thin air, but generally the place where he comes from, Bandle City, seems super idyllic [watch Arcane contradict me and add a flashback with him having disapproving yordle parents who never wanted him to travel the world or something] [but I doubt it]) 

On the other hand we have Jinx who has a very dysfunctional father figure and with Viktor it is really striking how he doesn’t seem to have any family and siblings. He is mostly hiding his efforts to heal himself and is going through it completely alone, again as a stark contrast to Jayce who we see with his mother, running some things past her.  

If Viktor has parents, they probably weren’t great due to this line that nobody ever believed in him, so he believes in himself. 

Then we have imo the group of Vi, Mel and Sevika. Sevika mentions her father in passing and it sounds complicated, but not completely hostile. As a character, we do see her be mean spirited (ie telling Jinx hurtful things) but we also see traces of loyalty. 

Then we have Vi, who had a pretty traumatic childhood with a lot of loss. We see her struggle with her temper and with dejection. But her big theme is how she has a good heart despite her upbringing (and of course a positive parental figure at least for a while in Vander). 

A really interesting one to me is Mel. We don’t know where exactly her character will end up and 100% of what her motives are. In Act 3, it did seem like she was motivated by idealism (ie defending the Piltover way of life against Noxus), but there might be other motives as well (like getting to the top of Piltover’s society, making a name for herself). 

In the flashback where her mother forces her to watch somebody murdered in front of her, I would say clearly qualifies as bad parentage and it’s interesting that she displays “a good heart” even back then. This makes me wonder, are we supposed to get from this that we was inherently good despite her dark circumstances? Or did she get it from somebody after all, like maybe her father is nice or she had a loving nanny? I also wonder whether her relationship with her mother will end up being more layered than it might seem (again killing people in front of Mel, forcing her into making horrible choices, calling her weak, sending her away), maybe with a dose of “she loves her daughter in her own way”. 

BTW the more I think of it, the more odd it feels that in a show that is so heavily about family including parents and children (again showing us parents that aren’t essential to the plot at all for Jayce and Caitlyn, having even side characters like Sevika or Signed talk about parentage) , Viktor is the main character is who completely devoid of any parental/familial presence. 

(okay Ekko and Heimer also don’t have a parently presence in the show, I’m just infering that they have/had positive childhoods) 

(now I kind of want a fic where Ekko’s mom or dad tries to appraoch Silco to find out what happened to Poweder because they can tell how distressed Ekko is about Powder) 

[williamofwestworld]

William’s Darkness. Spoilers ahead. Do not reblog. I feel the need to talk about this topic today because I feel like it is something that is completely misunderstood by many people, even by myself, since last the season. This darkness that he is referring to is not evilness, but emptiness, the absence of anything, essentially a void. A black hole. Whatever you would like to call it, it’s not evil per say, it is the absence of anything meaningful. 

William, since the beginning, and I am referring to younger William here, has felt like he doesn’t belong to this world. He has been looking for a place to belong because the world that Westworld has created is devoid of any meaning. Programs, such as Rehoboam, has decided many many many things for people until their very existence has felt fake. So he started reading books to find meaning in them. Stories about heroes and villains and knights. He read up on Philosophy to a point where he could quote philosophers to find meaning to his own life and he never found that.

Dolores gave him meaning, though, and that woke him up to a bigger reality... actually realizing how fake everything was and how unhappy he truly was just going through the motions of every day life.

This is depression. All of it. William is severely depressed because everything seems and feels so artificial.

William found meaning in Dolores. He found what he was truly capable of because of her. He had been stepped on by people his entire life and suddenly he was capable of fighting back and getting the things that he wanted and he liked that he finally had some control over his own life and how it could turn out... Dolores was like a mirror for him because he realized that was a part of himself that had been there all along and she made him realize that.

Having her die and not remember him did break him in many many many ways. Suddenly there was this void of meaning inside of himself again. There was no more light there. It was dark again. He had been given light and then it was taken away again.

Now, after all of this, this void could have been filled with some meaning that he had been looking for. He kept going back to Dolores in hope that she may come back to him, but she never did... and he gave up. He went back to what he would consider a meaningless life. Going through the motions again and again, all the while looking at humanity and seeing how terrible they treated each other. How selfish, terrible, and fake everything seemed to be.

Depression can make things seem worse than they really are and that can breed anger and hatred, which William let out in the park. So, while the darkness, the void, the depression isn’t inherently bad, he truly did become a black hole that sucked in everything, even light, all around him and Emily and Juliet suffered because of it. Did he purposely do it? No. He tried to keep it from them, thinking that his darkness was inherently evil and only let it out in the park... but that’s the thing... someone’s mood can spread to those around them, even if it is unintentional. 

We all know that William has an extremely dark view of the world from season 3 during his little therapy session where he compared humanity to bacteria. The host version of himself even admitted to trying to find meaning in the hosts before killing Bernard. Westworld felt like those stories that he had been reading about since he was a kid and so he felt like he could finally live in one of those stories that had meaning, rather than the meaningless existence that the world the show creators had made where every decision was made for you. Westworld let you be free from that for a while and he really quite enjoyed that to a point where he felt like he belonged to one of those stories and wanted to stay there.

Isn’t it weird though, how a supposedly fake world that Ford created was more free and real than the real world? William sort of lived in this delusion until he killed Emily, which woke him up to the fact that not everything going on around him was just a game. The stakes were real now, just as he had always wanted and when he finally got that, he realized he didn’t want it anymore. It wasn’t what he had hoped that it would be.

He realized that both systems, the Hosts and the humans were broken (because they were mirrors, reflections of the people who built them) and there was no hope in saving any of it by the end of season 4, so he was basically like, in his own William fashion, “fuck it, let’s start over.” The human world is fake, evil, broken, and devoid of any meaning and the hosts were just as broken as the people who created them (in William’s eyes), so he decided to pull the plug on all of it. The darkness, while it didn’t start out as evil, it became evil because that’s how the chips fell, because of everything with Dolores, and everything after.

[utterlyinevitable]

The Conference (Part 9)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 

Paring: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Rebecca Lao) Word Count: 3.7k Rating: T+ Warning: Some cursing Summary: It’s the evening after the keynote and they go out for a civil dinner date.

A/N: shout out to ruby @starrystarrytrouble for reminding me people actually like reading this mess 💕

________________________________________

After we finished up the panel I stuck around the conference hall to network whilst Ethan had ditched the crowd at the first opportunity he got, heading back to our hotel room and venturing away from the pecking vultures. To be honest, I didn’t really blame him. Everyone wanted a piece of the poor, well-endowed man. 

A couple hours later, I shuffled back into our apartment. My aching feet somehow prevailed without causing me to collapse on the odd geometric carpet floor, or ditching my heels along the way and walking barefoot like some uncultured frosh stumbling home at 3AM. Once through the heavy metal plated door, I headed straight to my room, not throwing a single pleasantry towards Ethan in the seating area. From what I could tell he was typing furiously on his laptop after nursing a scotch - the empty crystal tumbler on the table was a dead giveaway. 

The anxiety and delirium inducing stress of the day lifted the second my kinda-sweaty body collapsed onto the private armchair in my room, clutching its aqua-colored arms and sinking into the velvet cushion. Staring out at the familiar skyline my mind started to replay the happenings of the day; every little thing that happened - from the confidence I felt during our speech, to the way that asshole called me out, and how Ethan stood up for me every step of the way. How proud he was even if he relayed the sentiment in such small words. 

We survived today. We haven’t strangled each other nor suffered any little deaths. All that’s left for this trip is the tour we have tomorrow morning, and then we’ll be on our way back to Edenbrook. Back to the way things were… 

Somehow my tired and self destructive brain decided it wanted to revel in the memories of the last few days. Thinking about all the non-work things that happened this trip. Thinking of all the words shared, and the blast from the past. And the revelation that little adventure birthed. 

Fuck me...

Things are weird. Like, so weird. I don’t know what I’m doing or why I’m even thinking this… but I miss him. Today showed me how great we are together! Professionally and as friends. We’re the dynamic duo: Ramsey and his Rookie. His. I - 

I need to stop thinking that. 

I belong to myself. I do what I want when I want and with whom I want. 

And so does he. And that’s why I walked away. I’m- 

I’m still getting over him. 

While simultaneously trying to get under him… 

Thoughts wandered back to Ryan and how long it took me to get over the detrimental ‘what if’s of him. If I held on tighter and longer and didn’t get in the way of myself back then - if one thing was different - everything could be different. 

A small, revelatory gasp escaped me. 

I didn’t want things to be different. 

After eight fucking years I finally understood. 

If I didn’t love and lose Ryan I never would have found my way to Boston. To Ethan. And here - knowing what I do and having all the experiences of the last few months - I couldn’t continue a life without knowing Ethan Ramsey. 

I’m going to do whatever I can to repair our friendship. 

I changed my clothes into something not requiring heels - black skinny jeans, a blouse and my trusty Chelsea boots - and my hair pulled back into a bun. Simple, sleek, and completely me. No pomp and circumstance, or hiding behind anything. Just me, making an effort.  

With all the determination I could muster I sauntered into the living room where I assumed Ethan would still be. 

I was right; he hadn’t changed positions at all. Sitting there on the couch, his feet up on the gaudy footstool with his laptop perched on his lap, tortoise-patterned glasses framing his face, and furiously typing on the keyboard. 

“So...” I trailed awkwardly to break the tension surrounding him, leaning against the wall with my hands stuffed in my armpits. “What do you want to do for dinner?” 

“Oh,” He planted his feet on the floor and turned to face me fully, moving his laptop off of him and folding his arms in his lap. “Uh, well-”

Quickly I added, “If you’d rather eat alone it’s fine by me. I was thinking of grabbing pizza at John’s.” 

Ethan nodded in response, saying, “Sounds good.”

“Cool,” I nodded back. “You ready or…?”

“Let me grab my things,” he stood, collected his things and headed to his room.

Less than two minutes later we headed out of the apartment together, walking side by side. Though this time wasn’t like earlier. There wasn’t the blind determination and need to impress like this morning. Right now we were two people who used to know one another going out to dinner in a spectacular converted synagogue.  

***

For anyone who doesn’t know John’s, it’s a local family-style pizza joint. There’s three restaurants around the city and the Times Square location is by far the best. Every time I have a hot minute to spare I try to go - the stained glass and craftsmanship of the building is everything! But you don’t want to hear about that… and neither did Ethan when I tried to fill the silence during our walk with all the reasons to love this place. For some reason he preferred to barge and weave in silence. 

Whatever. 

Lucky enough he was more chatty once we were seated. 

Our table was in the mezzanine with not much of a view besides the stone staircase in the corner and the large dome towering above. The dim lighting complimented the deep wooden table and beige upholstered seating. 

We ordered. And without the menu to keep our attention, I tried my hand at conversation once more.  

“Be honest, how did we do?”

Looking me in the eyes, ones that mirrored mine, showed such confidence and pride as he said his next words;

“You handled it well, Becca.” There was a tug at the corners of his mouth that pulled at my own. I was about to get a rare Ramsey smile - one I’ve been devoid of for far too long. 

“Dare I even say, like a natural.” 

I got to revel in the small compliment for a few moments as the server brought over our food - garlic knots, small veggie pizza, and a chef’s side salad. 

“I didn’t stutter too much or come off too young?” I couldn’t help but ask when it was just us two again. His opinion matters more than anyone else’s when it comes to my career. 

“You did.” 

“But you -” 

He cut me off, a slight shake of his big head, “You are young and this was your first keynote.” he clarified. And once more he said pridefully, “You did well.” 

After what felt like ages we shared a private smile. How he was able to bring me back into myself with a few words and stop fussing over imposter syndrome is a wonder.  

“Now eat some pizza and be happy.” 

My smile grew to a goofy one by the way he was looking at me, bemused. I refrained from sticking my tongue out and dug into a little slice of heaven. “Don’t have to tell me twice.”

We dug in. Letting the flavors dance over my taste buds and make me only as happy as a New York slice could make me. No amount of fantastic sex could compare to pizza. Everything kind of disappeared - time stopped while the first bites settled in my tummy. Even Ethan looked to be enjoying it even though it’s not fancy smancy and artery clogging. 

Eventually I broke our companioned silence;

“How was lunch with Chief Fredericks?” I asked as I reached for a scrumptious ball of garlicy dough. 

The response left his lips so swiftly he didn’t even bother to look up from his plate; 

“Informative.”

I scoffed at the non-answer answer. 

My little grumble pulled him out of his bubble and he looked over at me - those damn baby blues challenging my thoughtfully indecent outburst. I just gave him a look right back. 

Ethan rolled his eyes and reached for another slice. Cutting it up with a fork and knife like an absolute weirdo.  

“He heard about the state budget cuts. Wanted to know what I think and if I’d be open to consult every so often.” 

“And?” I probed. 

“And what? You know how I feel about the future of Edenbrook.” 

“Yes. But if it goes under, what do you think you’ll do? I mean, everyone’s going to be throwing themselves at you.” 

I shoved some greenery in my gob to keep from adding the jarring truth. 

Everyone throws themselves at you. 

But who he gives his attention to is another story.  

Ethan shrugged ever so nonchalantly, “I haven’t thought about it.” 

The cavalier way he was speaking of his life after Edenbrook had thrown me off. Ethan was never this laid-back. It just wasn’t in his nature. There’s always something for this man to stress over. And Edenbrook’s closing should be his anxiety numero uno. 

But here he was, ever so calm. 

Hmm... 

“Are you in denial?” I said through a bite, fully anticipating another non-answer.  

“Maybe.” 

The way he said it took me aback. It was inherently honest and soft. All of his jagged features were rounded and there was a dulled little twinkle in his eye. 

Yeah, something’s going on here he’s not telling me.  

“Ethan -” 

And of course he deflects by turning the conversation on me; “What are you going to do?” 

Keeping from rolling my eyes at his obvious deflection from roaming into his feelings deeper, I replied, “Transfer my residency.” 

“Where?” 

“I…” - dammit - “don’t know.”

I haven’t really dwelled on what happens when the hospital closes. Obviously I need to finish residency if I want to be an actual practicing doctor. But the matching process can go screw itself. I don’t never ever want to do that again - all I cared about was matching with the best. And I did. So who’s the second best now? 

Is it wherever he goes?  

There’s just so much to think about, and I’d really rather not. Not until the last few nails are lined up against the coffin. 

“See,” he said with a hint of a lopsided grin, “Neither of us are ready to leave Edenbrook behind.” 

He was right. Of course he’s right. You didn’t need to be a diagnostician or even a doctor to see that we’re holding out hope of a buyout. 

I’ve just gotten to Edenbrook - only a few months into my dream career with my dream boss - and now, what? It’s all over before it even really began? No. I can’t accept that. 

There was a beat of silence as we both reached for the salad tongs, our hands brushing on accident. Both our eyes shot to bear witness to the contact, pulling us out of whatever ran wild through our thoughts and into this new, secluded moment. Everything around us dulled in the distance; the sounds swirling in the air muted and like a faint breeze. The warm lighting dimmed further, yet there was a spotlight on the salad bowl. The greens and reds and purples of the ruffage illuminated like it was the only thing that mattered. Like right now the earth was spinning just for this moment of closeness. 

Surprisingly, neither of us made a motion to move. His large hand overlapping my dainty fingers, the metal underneath the pads of my fingers warming up instantly. Electricity still coursed through me like the very first time. Except now it carried the memories of all the other times and places he set me aflame. 

I had to be the one to pull back. 

Almost, like it needed time to comprehend why the moment was intentionally ruined, the atmosphere around us began to revert back slightly. I could hear the idle chatter of those around us now. I could see the full picture of Ethan sitting across from me and all the individuals pattering around behind him. What couldn’t pretend to go back and hung off kilter was the beating in my chest - I could feel the electricity coursing through my veins and putting my heart through the ringer. 

Ethan made up for it by serving me. 

Does he know he still has such an effect on me?  

Quick! I needed to divert my thoughts off of the creeping flush and want from taking hold. So I went back to talking about work, our safe topic. 

“If you could work anywhere else in the world where would it be?” I asked.  

Ethan took a moment to think as he served himself some salad. He looked like he was actually thinking of an answer, maybe, for the first time he’s digested the hospital’s fate. 

“I think the next logical step would be the Mayo Clinic. They’re the best diagnostics in the world.” His eyes diverted back down to his plate and, after a beat, he added, “I also wouldn’t mind spending more time on missions with The WHO.”

My eyes searched his as they looked anywhere but where I was seated across from him, trying to find any sort of fault in his features. Something, anything, that I could hold onto. Nothing. Just stupid sincerity. The first fucking time in weeks he actually lets us talk about his time in the Amazon I can’t be mad at him.  

“You really enjoyed your time there, huh?” 

“It…” he hesitated, choosing his words carefully. 

We’ve wandered into emotional territory and we both needed to tread carefully. I need to remember that he was never mine, as much as I felt like his from our first kiss. Need to recall that back then everything was drawn out in plain sight. Our end was always just that - an end. I Need to forgive. And try to remember that at one point he did try to fight for me, in his round-a-bout noncommittal way, and I was the one to end things officially. 

We both need to forgive. Especially if these are the last few months we have working together. 

“Was important work and I got to make a difference in the lives of thousands of indigenous people.” Ethan took another small pause for breath. When he continued, his deep baritone voice was lower, “Even if my intentions for going were skewed, it was an opportunity of a lifetime.” 

The simplest thing to do would be to nod, or eat - distract myself - or even change the subject. To try not to dwell on the implications of the statement. But I couldn’t. My body tensed and the warmth from moments before fled completely. 

We were silent. The brutal truth of why he left stinging just as much as it did the day I found out. 

Minutes, many many minutes passed with me finding solace in sweet savory carbs and Ethan pushing things around on his plate. 

Eager to change the subject there was one other topic of the day I was endlessly curious to know more about; 

“So, what’s the deal with Dr. Schwab?” 

“Don’t.” He dismissed, his authoritative voice seeping through just a tad. Though I’d like to think he’s smart enough not to use it with me outside of Edenbrook.  

“If you don’t tell me I’ll be forced to fabricate my own. I’m feeling a one-night stand gone wrong.” 

He looked back down at his food. 

“Oh my god, I’m right.” The smile that erupted literally took over my entire face. I could not hide it even if I tried.  

“Rebecca,” he tried to scold. 

“Now you have to tell me.” 

Just like earlier he turned the conversation back on me; “What’s with the frat boy?” 

“Ryan was never in a fraternity,” I responded, not hiding the grin that formed by putting Ethan in his place. “He’s a jock though.” 

He expelled a dry laugh, “I don’t think that’s any better.” He took a bite of his salad. Something radiated off of Ethan I couldn’t quite place. 

“We were close in high school,” I added for reasons I’m not quite sure why. Like that explained who Ryan was and why he came back into my life now, of all times.  

Ethan made a condescending, “mhm”. 

I rolled my eyes; “We had a thing for a while, okay.” I conceded. “We grew apart senior year, and then I went off to college. Last night was the first time we’ve spoken in, like, eight years.” 

Ethan made absolutely no reactions to the statement. Not even a stupid wiggle of his dumb perfect eyebrow. 

Is he even paying attention? 

“Now tell me about Schwab - sorry, Hilary,” I coaxed.  

Ethan’s hand flew to the bridge of his nose and up to carefully rub his eyes. 

This has gotta be good. 

I waited patiently and eagerly for this story. She couldn’t have been Ethan’s type and yet… What happened!? 

Eyes still shut tight, he grumbled, “What’s there to tell?” 

“Obviously something happened,” I couldn’t help but mock, “You slept together!” 

“Yes, and it’s something I do not like to dwell on.” 

“Sorry, buddy, but it looks like she does.” 

He groaned. Then shifted in his chair. Ethan took a long drag of his drink. And just when I figured he was going to wait this out until one of us changed the subject, he spoke; 

“A moment of weakness a few years back. And she was…” 

Ah! It’s actually happening! Ethan’s telling a salacious story! 

Shifting in my seat and placing my head in my hands to give him my full attention; My brows and smile grew as I finished the sentence for him, “Eager?” 

He scowled. 

“Jesus Christ, Ethan, just tell me what happened!” 

“I will not go into details.” 

“Fine.” I made a motion with my hand for him to continue without the juicy details. 

“Harper and I had just ended things for good not long before…” 

We ended up going back and forth for a while - Ethan not wanting to give anything up and me pulling as much as I could out of him. Long story short, Ethan was in a weird mental state after breaking up with Harper for the hundredth and final time in their six year relationship. He took up a conference opportunity to get away for two nights. Knowing how much he loves people, Ethan spent most of his time drowning his senses at the hotel bar. And low and behold, enter Hillary. 

From the sounds of it she was agreeable and very very forward. And Ethan was so lost in liquor that her voice didn’t irritate him as much as it did the next morning, and every single time they were in close proximity thereafter. Hillary had been going through a separation with her husband and needed a distraction just as bad. Really, who could blame her? Toting Ethan around would be the best revenge. 

The first night of his stay was fine - apparently the sex was satisfactory and she didn’t do anything remarkably memorable. Or so he says. I still think she looks like a squawker. He didn’t linger around long after before retreating to his hotel room. Then the next afternoon he was bored and weak and agreed to lunch. And lunch turned into drinks which turned into round two. In his room. And she didn’t leave. She wasn’t leaving. So Ethan bought an earlier plane ticket, and shook her awake before checking out. 

And every conference since she seems to want to entertain a rematch. 

“Oh my god, you’re horrible!” I exclaimed ever delightfully. This was hilarious! 

“I shouldn’t really be surprised. You flew to another continent after we slept together.” Shaking my head, a stupid little smirk on my lips I asked, “Have you ever had a one night stand before?” 

“Wha - of course I have!” 

“One’s that didn’t end up with you getting on a plane?” 

He leaned back and folded his arms across his chest. “If you must know, I’ve had my fair share in undergrad.” 

Now it was my turn to send a condescending “mhm” his way. 

We spoke longer and polished off our plates - not a single crumb remained. This was nice. Really nice getting to be close to him again and just being friends. Telling stories and exchanging playful jabs here and there. It’s how I fell for the idiot in the first place. 

Baby steps.     

-

Two hours after we arrived the server came over with the bill. 

She was friendly and lovely the whole meal. The best part about her style of service is that she let us just exist and didn’t check up all that often. When she did I could tell she overheard someone of the crap Ethan and I were spewing. She had one of those knowing smiles, like she was in on our jokes the entire time. 

“Can I just say, you guys are adorable,” she relayed with the brightest of smiles after setting the padfolio on the table, her hands clapping together excitedly. She looked like a child who had just met Santa Claus for the first time. 

L O L she thinks we’re together.  

At that I actually laughed out loud before informing, “We’re colleagues. In town for a conference.” 

The horror on the girl's face said it all. 

“Oh! My mistake, sorry. I can split the bill for you.” She reached for the pad where it sat in front of Ethan. 

He grabbed the black leather at the same time I spoke;  

"Nope, dinner’s on him.” I cupped a hand over my mouth and pointed a not-at-all discreet thumb towards him, “He'll get reimbursed," I laughed more to myself than anything. 

She smiles, a little relieved by my warmth, then turns to look at Ethan - silently asking permission or if it’s okay that he pays. Generally looking for some sort of direction from the old man.    

He shoots the server a look. Then forks over his credit card. 

As she saunters off, I smile at him sweetly, “Thank you.” 

Of course he rolls his eyes. But that rise in the corners of his mouth says so much more. 

________________________________________

A/N: sorry it’s shit. thank you for sticking with this series 💕 we’ve just got one chapter left! 

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[alexbraindump]

Night in the Woods & Optimistic Nihilism, Pt. 1: Constellations

“So I believe in a universe that doesn’t care and people who do.”

Night in the Woods manages to create one of the most realistic narratives I’ve ever seen crafted in a video game. And that’s a bold statement, one that shouldn’t be tossed around lightly. Yet I feel entirely concrete in saying it. It’s quite the diverse game, dealing with a range of topics so wide that it’d be hard to cover all of them in one single post. I hope to cover more of them someday, but today I’ll be narrowing in on one specific point that resonated especially well with me personally: finding purpose in an existence that is inherently devoid of it.

And it’s here that I’m going to say that, to anyone who hasn’t played NITW yet, stop reading this right now and go pick it up. It’s only $20 and with it comes an experience that remains consistently enjoyable and impactful throughout its entire runtime. I won’t be holding back from relevant spoilers for the rest of this post, so now’s your only chance. Go away. But come back once you’ve played the game. That’d be pretty cool I think.

~~~~~~~~~~~MILD SPOILER TERRITORY BELOW~~~~~~~~~~~

Now that the uninitiated are gone, it’s finally time to wrap back around to that quote at the beginning of this post. A universe that doesn’t care, and people who do. It perfectly aligns with the definition of optimistic nihilism, a term seemingly dubbed by a youtube channel in 2017. For those who are unaware, optimistic nihilism is exactly what it says on the tin. It’s the philosophy that the universe is inherently uncaring, that there’s no concrete meaning to life that we can grasp onto, yet we as human beings are uniquely capable of creating our own meaning without requiring some higher power or order to do it for us. We can choose to pursue what we wish for out of our lives, free to choose our own individualized path through the blank slate that is existence and draw whatever patterns we may choose from it.

As you read through that brief summary you may have already begun to understand exactly why I consider Night in the Woods to align particularly well with optimistic nihilism. The game is not exactly lacking in the theme of finding meaning within things that may be meaningless in the most literal sense. It’s been there since the very beginning, with NITW’s first supplemental game Longest Night. It’s a simple little game featuring Mae, Bea, Gregg and Angus identifying various constellations and making characteristically entertaining quips about each of them. Despite the game’s relative simplicity it acts as an early (over 3 years before NITW itself released!) establishment of NITW’s ever-present theme of establishing meaning in things that don’t have meaning by themselves by using one simple thing: constellations.

Constellations are a perfect medium to establish the philosophy of optimistic nihilism and it is evident that Infinite Fall were acutely aware of that from a very early point in the development of NITW. All constellations really are just patterns of stars we may see in the sky at night that people have assigned their own patterns and meanings to. Most stars sit so far away from the Earth that the human brain struggles to even comprehend how far away they truly are beyond a simple “Wow! That’s pretty far!” They’re balls of gas, unable to care about or even recognize whatever we humans see within them. Most of them have existed for longer than we have and will continue to persist long after we die. Yet the human race has taken it upon themselves to assign patterns to them and continue recognizing said patterns long after we’ve obtained knowledge about what the stars that form them truly are. In nature they hold no inherent meaning and have no rhyme nor reason to their locations relative to each other from our perspective, yet we have used our minds to instill meaning into them and draw patterns that can only be drawn from where we stand. The universe did not care about how it put them there nor how any living being may interpret them, but people cared enough to give them meaning.

Years after the release of Longest Night, Night in the Woods proper came out. And in it the usage of stars was far from ditched. Their function as being one of the elements perpetuating NITW’s optimistic nihilism was only expanded. Every two days in the game you are offered the opportunity to choose to hunt for dusk stars with a character named Mr. Chazokov. The interactions with him themselves don’t offer much in the ways of adding upon the pre-established theme of finding meaning within none, though their mere inclusion does help cement the theme as an important part of the game. The true point in which the theme is finally brought front and center is when the player can choose to go ghost hunting with Angus at Possum Jump. After some uneventful ghost hunting, Mae and Angus decide to rest at the top of a hill and do some stargazing. At this point the game essentially retraces (literally and figuratively) all the ground covered in Longest Night. Mae connects constellations together and Angus names them and gives a brief explanation for each of them. It’s a charming little moment that eventually evolves into Angus explaining the abuse he endured throughout his childhood to Mae. But what’s relevant to this specific analysis is Angus’s attitude throughout. He continually stays true to and loops back upon the fact that, while the stars themselves are very real and the stories given to them do very much exist, the stars really don’t mean anything by themselves. It all culminates with Angus explaining his tragic childhood to Mae. But what’s important to the overall narrative of this essay is Angus��s response when Mae asks him if he believes in anything.

It’s at this point that the game gives its most obvious addressal to its philosophy of optimistic nihilism. It’s like the pot finally boils over and it says “alright, time to finally talk about this.” As a response to being prompted about his beliefs, Angus explains his thoughts by using the constellations recently outlined as a convenient example. It’s here that the quote that spurred this whole essay on shows its head. “So I believe in a universe that doesn’t care and people who do,” is the final quote summarizing Angus’s philosophy on meaning in the universe. And if that isn’t the clearest possible representation of optimistic nihilism in NITW then I don’t know what is. It’s a simple little quote, yet it manages to single handedly encapsulate what optimistic nihilism is. Of course, it’s framed as the view of one character in the game, and a character thinking something doesn’t immediately mean that the entire work subscribes to that philosophy, but as you think about NITW and its various elements more and more it becomes increasingly apparent that it is indeed representative of the philosophy of optimistic nihilism.

And with that vague statement I’ll be leaving off the first part of this little mini-project for the time being. I do intend to come back to it at some point in the (hopefully near) future, as I feel that there’s a lot more that could be said about the themes of finding meaning in Night in the Woods. Currently I’m planning on writing about why I enjoy Mae Borowski as a character so much and see her as one of my favorite video game protagonists, so that’ll probably be done before any other parts to this essay come out. Keep an eye out if you enjoy what I’m posting and want to see more, and don’t be afraid to offer any feedback you may have. There’s a contact section on my profile if you’d like the most effective ways to get in touch.

[thebluelemontree]

We know Sansa has a connection to the Seven through her wishes, but do you think the same could be said of the Old Gods? Also, do you see magic in her future storyline like the rest of her siblings? Thank you!

Of course, she has a connection to the Old Gods too. GRRM confirmed all the Stark children are wargs, even if Sansa’s abilities didn’t have the chance to manifest at the same time as her siblings since she lost Lady so quickly. Skin changing was already inherently in her and still is. It’s just that the ability is dormant for the most part. The connection between Sansa and Lady never weakened either. I already wrote about this here a while back, and it may have to do with Lady’s bones and hide being interred in Winterfell. She still longs for her, dreams of her, and even feels her direwolf’s presence close by sometimes. I don’t think she’s aged-out (if that’s possible) of ever skin changing an animal since she’s still younger than Robb and Jon when they received their direwolf pups. 

Sansa was also bonding with the old blind dog on the Fingers, but their time together was also cut short. Dogs are the easiest to skin change according the Varamyr prologue, so in theory Sansa could have started to have “dog dreams” if she’d stayed in physical contact with the dog. Her time in the Vale has had her separated from animals, but that doesn’t mean it will always be so. There’s always the possibility of skin changing a bird like a falcon perhaps.  

And ya know, she does have a greenseer little brother that she was always close to that might be able to help her grow her magical side. Maybe even break in an animal for her to make it easier to slip into perhaps? That’s a thing.  

Slipping into Summer's skin had become as easy for him as slipping on a pair of breeches once had been, before his back was broken. Changing his own skin for a raven's night-black feathers had been harder, but not as hard as he had feared, not with these ravens. "A wild stallion will buck and kick when a man tries to mount him, and try to bite the hand that slips the bit between his teeth," Lord Brynden said, "but a horse that has known one rider will accept another. Young or old, these birds have all been ridden. Choose one now, and fly." -- Bran III, ADWD.

I don’t see any evidence that the door is permanently shut on her skin changing something eventually. 

But if you mean does she have a connection to the Old Gods through prayer, the answer is yes too.

The night the bird had come from Winterfell, Eddard Stark had taken the girls to the castle godswood, an acre of elm and alder and black cottonwood overlooking the river. The heart tree there was a great oak, its ancient limbs overgrown with smokeberry vines; they knelt before it to offer their thanksgiving, as if it had been a weirwood. Sansa drifted to sleep as the moon rose, Arya several hours later, curling up in the grass under Ned's cloak. All through the dark hours he kept his vigil alone. When dawn broke over the city, the dark red blooms of dragon's breath surrounded the girls where they lay. "I dreamed of Bran," Sansa had whispered to him. "I saw him smiling." -- Eddard V, AGOT.

It might be something that Sansa dreams of her greenseer brother in the godswood after they’ve received word of Bran awakening from the coma where his own third-eye was opened by the three-eyed crow. If this scene isn’t a glimpse of the future in ADOS, I’ll eat my hat. 

Sansa is a person of faith who observes both her religions, albeit for a time she favored the aesthetics of her mother’s faith more than her father’s.  

She prayed in both the sept and the godswood for her father, unfortunately to no avail on that one. In the crisis of her captivity, she makes more space for the Old Gods in her religiosity.   

By the time she reached the godswood, the noises had faded to a faint rattle of steel and a distant shouting. Sansa pulled her cloak tighter. The air was rich with the smells of earth and leaf. Lady would have liked this place, she thought. There was something wild about a godswood; even here, in the heart of the castle at the heart of the city, you could feel the old gods watching with a thousand unseen eyes.

Sansa had favored her mother's gods over her father's. She loved the statues, the pictures in leaded glass, the fragrance of burning incense, the septons with their robes and crystals, the magical play of the rainbows over altars inlaid with mother-of-pearl and onyx and lapis lazuli. Yet she could not deny that the godswood had a certain power too. Especially by night. Help me, she prayed, send me a friend, a true knight to champion me . . . -- Sansa II, ACOK.

I don’t think Sansa ever really turns away from her belief in the Seven to embrace the Old Gods as much as some claim. It’s the Seven she prays to during the Blackwater and the Mother she invokes when she sings for Sandor Clegane. She wants to light candles in the sept to ask the gods to protect Margaery and Loras. It’s more that she’s disillusioned with some of the earthly institutions and that causes a momentary flash of anger at the gods for (in her mind) never hearing her prayers. 

When she’s in the Eyrie, a place devoid of spiritual connection or comfort, Sansa feels the pain of loss of both her religions.

It was the old days she hungered for. Prayed for. But who could she pray to? The garden had been meant for a godswood once, she knew, but the soil was too thin and stony for a weirwood to take root. A godswood without gods, as empty as me. -- Sansa VII, ASOS.

Even the gods were silent. The Eyrie boasted a sept, but no septon; a godswood, but no heart tree. No prayers are answered here, she often thought, though some days she felt so lonely she had to try. -- Sansa II, AFFC.   

During this period of time, Sansa’s faith has taken a real beating from being manipulated and coerced into being a part of Littlefinger’s crimes. Cynicism and corruption appear to be winning for the time being as Littlefinger rises and succeeds in the Vale. The presence of spirituality in her inner dialogue has grown ever more faint and weary; however, as I’ve shown above, a restoration of faith is likely as she progresses toward Winterfell and reuniting with her siblings. Does that mean she will begin to embrace the Old Gods (and magic) and to let go of the Faith of the Seven? Maybe, we have to wait and see. Or it’s possible she expands her consciousness to accept more of both in her life. 

Martin is a lapsed Catholic and atheist himself, but he never treats Catelyn or Sansa’s religiosity with the Seven as a joke or as less than religions that have demonstrable magic attached to them. I think it helps to keep in mind GRRM’s position on the nature of the relationship between characters, religion, and magic:

“Well, the readers are certainly free to wonder about the validity of these religions, the truth of these religions, and the teachings of these religions. I'm a little leery of the word "true" — whether any of these religions are more true than others. I mean, look at the analogue of our real world. We have many religions too. Are some of them more true than others? I don't think any gods are likely to be showing up in Westeros, any more than they already do. We're not going to have one appearing, deus ex machina, to affect the outcomes of things, no matter how hard anyone prays. So the relation between the religions and the various magics that some people have here is something that the reader can try to puzzle out.”

[wickwrites]

Burning as a Motif for Humanity in Violet Evergarden

I think, when watching Violet Evergarden, most of us picked up on fire as a motif for Violet’s trauma – the violence and destruction she witnessed in the war, and the violence and destruction she engendered with her own hands. I’m not going to go into this too much because it’s all pretty self-explanatory, if not trite, but here are some quick examples of fire as a motif for her trauma just to lay the groundwork for the rest of the essay:

In frame 1 (episode 8), Violet draws first blood on the battlefield, and the once contained fire from the felled soldiers’ lanterns spread quickly through the forest, a symbol for how one small act of violence can cascade into large scale destruction. In frame 2, Gilbert stares at the carnage in front of him, horrified. In frame 3, the major is shot, and all we get to see is a screen of flames. In frame 4 (episode 12), Merkulov stares into a fire as he schemes about re-kindling the war.

I want to follow this (well trodden) opinion up with a more encompassing statement. That is, fire, in Violet Evergarden, is not limited to representing the destructive power of violence and trauma. Instead, it is a motif for humanity itself – an embodiment of the full range of experiences and emotions that make us human.  

To show this, I’m going to start off at the beginning of Violet’s journey, focusing on how her disconnect (from herself as well as others) is illustrated in episode one. For instance, her initial struggle to move her now mechanical arms as she sits in her hospital bed in the opening sequence is an excellent embodiment of her dissociation from her own body and lack of agency. I want to, however, focus on two scenes that are particularly relevant for our discussion:

First, the scene where Violet spills tea on her hand:

And second, the scene where Hodgins insists that Violet is burning:

These scenes are similar: in both, someone asserts that Violet must be in pain, specifically due to burning, and in both, Violet rejects that statement. In the first, however, that burning is physical. And in the second, that burning is emotional. Regardless, Violet is so removed from her own body that she is incapable of feeling either. Her mechanical hand is therefore an embodiment of her inhumanity (ie. her “dollness” or “weapon-ness”). Like her, it is cold, mechanical, insensitive, without life or agency. After all, up until now, all she’s been doing is killing on command, without the ability to think for herself, experience her own pain, or sympathize with her victims’ pain.

When the screen shows that Hodgins is indeed correct, that Violet is literally on fire (frame 1), that fire is depicted with restraint. Flames engulfs Violet’s body, but those flames are from a streetlamp enclosed in glass. It is controlled and distant. This encapsulates Violet’s current state; she is literally on fire, but that fire is so compartmentalized and suppressed, and she is so far removed from her own experience, that she is incapable of feeling it.

In frame 2, we are viewing Violet in a flashback, from Hodgin’s point of view. Although we’re offered a close up shot of her bloodied hands, we see, about two cuts later, that Hodgin is actually observing Violet from afar (frame 2.5). This distance demonstrates that he cannot bring himself to reach out to her, something that Hodgin confesses he feels guilty about literally 5 seconds later. They were, at that point in time, and perhaps even now, unable to connect.

In frames 3 and 4, Hodgin is speaking again. We get this super far shot of Violet’s body. The camera is straight on, objective, and unfeeling. This unsympathetic framing has two functions. First, it distances us from Violet. Our inability to see the details on her face and her relatively neutral body language gives us, the audience, no real way inidication her thoughts. Second, it distances Violet from herself. As someone who experiences dissociative symptoms from PTSD, this is a very poignant way of framing what it feels like to be removed from your own experience. Hodgin’s line, “You’ll understand what I’m saying one day. And, for the first time, you’ll notice all your burn scars,” further drives home the sense that Violet is completely estranged from herself. It almost feels like we are looking at her, from her own detached point of view.

We’re going to move on now, but we’ll get back to these frames later in the analysis, so hold onto them.

Throughout Violet’s journey, fire comes up again and again. Specifically, it shows up in moments of emotional intimacy, connection, and healing. Let’s see what I mean by this:

I have here a collection of moments that all occur at the same narrative point in their respective mini-stories: the moment where one character reaches out to another, sympathizes with them, and literally pulls them of their darkness. For example, frame 1 (episode 3) shows Violet bringing a letter from Luculia to her brother. It expresses Luculia’s gratitude and love for him, and ultimately mends their relationship. In frame 2 (episode 4), Violet and Iris share a moment of emotional intimacy and connection, which is the beginning of Iris’ story’s resolution. In frame 3 (episode 9), Violet’s suicidal despondency is interrupted by the mailman, bringing her a heartwarming letter from all her friends. In frame 4 (episode 11), Violet comforts a dying solder by a fireplace.

It’s not that other modes of lighting do not exist – modern looking lamps show up repeatedly in the show. Even Iris’ rural family has them, so I can reasonably assume that, no, the above moments do not all coincidentally use lamps because that’s all there is in this universe; the usage of fire during moments of catharsis is deliberate, and establishes that fire can also bring hope, kindness, and love.

Now that we’ve explored the dual nature of fire as both destructive/constructive, painful/cathartic, let’s go onto the thesis of my essay. Why do I say that being on fire is to be human? Let’s go back to the scene where Hodgin tells Violet she’s on fire (episode 1, on the left), and compare it to the scene where Violet finally realizes that Hodgin was right and that she is on fire (episode 7, on the right):

In these sequences, there is a notable shift in framing and perspective. In frame 1b, we finally get to see Violet’s blood-stained hands from her point of view, as opposed to from Hodgin’s point of view in 1a. Violet becomes aware of her past as an actual agent choosing to kill, shown through the first-person point of view. Similarly, the medium, straight on shot of Violet looking down at her hands (frame 2a) is replaced with an intimate first-person, close-up view (frame 2b). In shots 3a and 3b, the difference in framing is most pronounced. In 3a, we get this straight on, long shot. In frame 3b, the camera’s detachment is replaced by a claustrophobic closeness. While this framing does an excellent job at conveying the panicked feeling of “everything crashing down all at once”, it also demonstrates Violet’s new-found awareness of herself. While before, the camera was used to alienate, now it is used to create a sense of painful awareness and intimacy.

These series of shots are the first in the entire show, I believe, of Violet's body from her own point of view. Their co-incidence with her awakening self-awareness characterizes the state of “being in one’s body” as a precondition to self-connection, or more specifically, to Violet’s understanding of herself as neither a weapon nor a doll, but as a human. Correspondingly, this pivotal moment serves as a catalyst for her subsequent emotional development. From this episode on towards the finale, we’re launched into a heart wrenching sequence of events: Violet’s desperate grieving for Gilbert’s apparent death, her attempted suicide driven by newfound grief, and most importantly, Violet receiving her first written letter, an act that is strongly representative of genuine human connection. Following these events, Violet’s emotional connection to both herself and others only continues to grow; during her two final jobs of the story, she breaks down crying in response to the suffering of her clients, demonstrating a level of compassion—if not empathy—that she seems to have never been able to tap into before.

At the same time, Violet acquires a new sense of agency, making plot-driving decisions that no longer require other characters’ validations. Most poignantly, in episode 12, she chooses to stay on the train to fight Merkulov, explicitly going against Dietfried’s order for her to leave. Her reason?

She doesn’t want anyone to die anymore.

And it’s this moment, for me, that consolidated her as a character with true agency. Up until now, all her major decisions have been framed in relation to Gilbert: she killed in the war because Gilbert ordered her to, and she became an Auto Memories Doll because she wanted to understand Gilbert’s enigmatic “I love you”. Now, however, her motivation is purely her own—she fights, simply because she doesn’t want anyone else to die. It’s a line implies an intimate knowledge of loss. It’s a sentiment motivated by compassion. It’s a raw and extraordinarily human thing to say.

When Violet embarks on her journey to decipher Gilbert’s love, she is devoid of many traits we consider inherent and possibly even unique to being human—suffering, compassion, altruism, love, agency, and the interplay between them. As an Auto Memories Doll, she learns to live, experiencing all these emotions she had never had the luxury to experience before, and we quickly realize that she cannot know what love is without simultaneously wrestling with her trauma. She learns that yes, sometimes the fire destroys and sometimes it burns, but sometimes it thaws too, and you cannot have one without the other. You cannot choose what the fire does to you; you cannot choose what you want to feel. Thus, to be on fire is to know the anguish of its destruction, but it is also, and more importantly, to know the catharsis of human connection, to be the warm flame that pulls someone else out of the dark, to be pulled out of the dark yourself. To be on fire is to be human.