#i think life is inherently devoid of meaning but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing

[kikokus]

Lucci and Kaku: An Analysis

I haven’t done long analysis/meta/essay-style posts in a while, but after seeing a comment that amounted to “every time Lucci’s shown an interest in something that doesn’t have to do with killing, Kaku’s involved” it made me think about whether or not that's true and, more specifically, whether or not there’s been sufficient build-up to justify what happens in Chapter 1111.

So let’s explore, shall we?

First of all, basic disclaimer that I’ve been heavily into One Piece since 2008 and Water 7 has been my favorite arc since the first time I read it that summer. Kaku, in turn, has always been one of my top characters in the entire series for various reasons…but this isn’t about him (at least, not entirely), so all of that is just to say that I’ve thought about these characters a lot over the years.

And I think what always struck me about them is that not only are they so fundamentally different, but that realistically Lucci should not tolerate Kaku at all. He’s pretty much everything Lucci’s not, and they’re more-or-less a perfect example of the ‘someone will die…of fun!’ meme in a lot of ways (and honestly it’s what I think of every time I see this card, but I digress):

At the same time, what happened in the latest chapter didn’t surprise me, because there’s been hints all along, and I’ve personally been waiting years for it to pay off…even though part of me thought it never would, or at least not in the way it did!

Still, how did we get here?

But First, A Bit About 相棒

So. Why is the fact that Lucci calls Kaku his “相棒” (aibou) so significant? Mostly because of the…individualistic meaning of the word. It literally translates to ‘partner’, but not in a romantic/life-partner way (not to say that it has never been used like that, but it’s not the inherent meaning of the word).

Unlike words such as 友人 (yuujin), 友達 (tomodachi), and of course, with Luffy, 仲間 (nakama), aibou generally only refers to one person. You can have many friends, teammates, crew members…but only one aibou. So by calling Kaku that, Lucci’s already placing him on a different level to anyone else in CP9 or CP0 and acknowledging openly that Kaku’s important enough to him to have earned that distinction.

Which is why a lot of us were very excited about it, since this is not a common occurrence where Lucci’s concerned.

That aside, let’s get to the actual canon content.

Water 7

Obviously at the beginning we find out they both work at the shipyard, but that in and of itself isn’t entirely significant…until you consider that, since Kalifa is pretty much with Iceburg all the time and Blueno’s running the bar, the two of them are working in much closer proximity to each other than to the other CP9 members in the city. 

The first real indication we get regarding their comfort level with each other comes in chapter 327 when Kaku gets back from examining the Merry and goes to sit down to explain what he’s discovered. Paulie’s the closest to him, but he actually ends up stepping past both him and Lucci in order to sit directly beside Lucci on the same level.

It’s quite a while before we see the two of them alone again, and it doesn’t happen until chapter 339 when they’re speaking with Robin. Of course at the time we’re not supposed to know it’s them, but there’s really nobody else it can be since this is happening at the exact same time that Blueno’s talking with Franky and Kokoro at the bar. So, as will become fairly common, the two of them are again acting as a unit of their own within the larger group.

And then, of course, we get the infiltration of the mansion prior to The Big Reveal (which I’ve spoken about before because for me it’s still the single greatest reveal in the entire manga because of how carefully crafted it is, right down to Kaku’s limited dialogue in this section being completely devoid of his usual speech quirks in the original Japanese text). Once again, Blueno and Kalifa are doing their own things while these two are working together.

This panel has always been interesting to me because immediately prior to this Lucci says he can’t let Paulie live, and then he decides to just restrain him instead. In Luffy’s case it makes sense because they gave their word to Robin not to harm the Strawhats, but he has absolutely no reason to spare Paulie, and the little lines of shock/surprise beside Kaku imply that he hadn’t expected Lucci to do that, either. The ‘why’ is still unclear, but it’s interesting nonetheless, and it’s also…noteworthy that it’s the only thing Lucci asks Kaku to do. All of the actual damage Paulie takes comes from Lucci and he never asks for or expects Kaku to harm him.

I never connected these two panels before but it’s obviously very deliberate to have Lucci telling Iceburg that feeling emotions is a sign of humanity followed immediately by Kaku…demonstrating exactly that and thanking Iceburg. It’s important to establish that part of Kaku’s character, but keep in mind Lucci’s lack of a reaction here because it’ll come back later.

Again, very tiny moment, but there’s a lot of examples of Lucci deferring to Kaku or letting him take the lead without any hesitation, and I like this because Kaku’s noticed something that Lucci hasn’t and Lucci just goes with it immediately.

I’d forgotten about this but Kaku’s also the one that decides to take Usopp with them, first by recognizing him as one of the Strawhats and then going through with it even after finding out he doesn’t consider himself a part of them anymore. And Lucci just…stands back and lets him give out orders to the others while doing so.

Okay so this is what I was referencing earlier. Kaku shows actual emotions with Iceburg and Lucci’s silent, but the moment Kalifa gets even slightly happy about completing the mission he’s berating her instantly. Kaku’s expression here is interesting too because he looks absolutely haunted and it’s very telling.

And also another visual representation of Lucci and Kaku being equal to/on the same level as each other.

I didn’t include the panel but Kaku was ‘sleeping’ when Corgi was giving them all of the information about Nero while Lucci was (seemingly) wide awake, and yet Lucci has no idea who he is and relies on Kaku to have all the information. Which he does.

Kaku being the one to take charge again and direct the others even though Lucci’s standing right there. They do this more than I’d realized at first, especially since Lucci always seems to be looked at as the unofficial ‘leader’ of CP9.

Enies Lobby

We’ve made it to Enies Lobby, which is the first glimpse we get of these two interacting with the full CP9 group outside of any sort of ‘mission’ environment.

Mostly it entails Lucci being more combative (especially with Jabra) and Kaku being more annoyed, but again I can’t really imagine anyone else taking this tone with Lucci and getting away with it while Kaku does it fairly often and Lucci never retorts or gets angry with him.

And while Kaku’s not immune to taking Jabra’s bait in the right circumstances, his typical tendency is to de-escalate situations if he can and here he’s refusing to engage despite being deliberately called out…and Lucci, without being asked, immediately takes his side and defends his choice.

This is practically the next panel and while both Lucci and Jabra are kind of equally at fault for this little display, Kaku only berates Jabra for it while Kalifa’s directing her comments at both of them.

Now that I’m actually looking for these sorts of things it’s becoming more obvious, but again we have Lucci and Kaku in an equal position to each other at the front of CP9.

This isn’t just to Kaku since Kalifa’s there as well, but Lucci’s still encouraging them to eat the fruits and I have to believe it’s coming from a place of good faith because he’d know whether or not being able to swim is that big an issue in their profession. I also want to note that Kaku echoes Lucci’s ‘it’ll be fun’ line when he actually does eat his fruit, so obviously that resonated with him.

I’ve put these two together because they both highlight the same thing, that being in both of these sequences we get almost all of CP9 giving out their individual thoughts/comments on what’s happening but Kaku’s statement both times is a direct reply to what Lucci says, so again the two of them are paired off in a way that doesn’t include anyone else there. 

The only other thing of note in this section is that while Robin’s talking about what happened during the Buster Call on Ohara, Kaku and Lucci are the only CP9 members to kind of…break formation and actually look at her while she’s speaking, which is interesting.

And for the rest of Enies Lobby they aren’t together so there’s not too much more to say here other than Kaku of course being the one to have the actual key to Robin’s cuffs, but it’s never made explicit who came up with that plan or handed out the keys so…if I ever actually do the thing and write a full analysis of Kaku’s character we can talk about it then Lark you’ve been saying you’ll do this for years IF I EVER--

Interlude - CP9’s Independent Report

Besides the fact that this is still one of my favorite cover stories, there’s a couple of noteworthy things here, the first of which is that Kaku again is taking the lead. Even though he’s the only other CP9 member other than Lucci to be injured badly enough that he can’t walk on his own, he’s still the one directing them where to go.

Other than that, I love seeing all of them just…interacting like friends and being very relaxed and casual, and pretty much every panel where Kaku and Lucci are together they’re directly beside each other so I’ve included a bunch of those here.

Dressrosa & Egghead

The next time we see Lucci and Kaku is at the end of Dressrosa, where they’ve been promoted to CP0 Oda can we please get some explanation of how this happened and let me tell you, I remember this vividly because the spoilers at the time just said that Lucci was talking to ‘someone’ and when the raws came out you can bet I went right to the dialogue to see if it was Kaku because his way of speaking is so telling.

But even in this little scene, we can see they’re having an equal conversation and there’s a major difference between how Lucci’s speaking with Kaku and how he addresses Spandam mere seconds later.

After this we have the Reverie/Levely/what-even-is-this-thing-called arc where they get all of a single panel together and while it’s the first time we actually ‘see’ Kaku after the time-skip, nothing really interesting regarding their relationship happens, so let’s move on to…

The end of the colored manga! And Egghead.

We start with a very familiar situation: Lucci asking Kaku what’s going on, and while Kaku this entire arc seems more outwardly annoyed with Lucci than he ever was in the past (which is never really explained but then again, Lucci spends a lot of the arc doing things he’s specifically been told not to do, so maybe it’s understandable…), he still has all the information and relays it.

Though Kaku’s also much more comfortable letting his real personality show despite them being on a mission while before he was always completely serious after the Water 7 reveal, especially around Lucci. It came through with Zoro and Jabra but during the cover story he’s smiling and laughing a lot with Lucci right there so it makes sense he’d be more willing to let his guard down even ‘on the job’ by now.

So here’s the first real instance of Lucci showing concern for Kaku, something which escalates pretty quickly throughout the arc. It’s subtle, and though he’s framing it as a suggestion to Stussy, if he didn’t care at all he wouldn’t have said anything. 

At this point it’s fairly obvious that Lucci and Kaku don’t really have any authority difference between them and Kaku spends a lot of time in this chapter especially telling Lucci to Not Do The Thing. Anyone that’s ever lived with a cat knows how well this works.

I’ve always found this bit of dialogue particularly interesting because Kaku’s very openly…praising Sentomaru for choosing his loyalty to Vegapunk over assisting the government, and there’s no way Lucci doesn’t hear him say this but he doesn’t say anything in return. There’s no real evidence that Lucci knows about Kaku willingly giving up the key to Zoro or how conflicted he was about Paulie and everyone else, but this seems to imply that at the very least, even if he doesn’t share those sentiments, he wouldn’t think less of Kaku because of it.

Putting these two together since they’re in the same scene but at this point it’s not even subtle concern anymore, Lucci’s genuinely worried for Kaku and you can tell this caught him off-guard.

Kaku’s the first one to suggest working together but Lucci immediately backs him up and goes with the idea. It’s logical in the sense that it’ll give them the biggest chance to survive, but willingly working with pirates isn’t exactly the sort of thing that Lucci, especially in the past, would have so easily done regardless of the situation.

So at this point it’s becoming clear that this whole 4-v-2 section is supposed to be the most…light-hearted thing going on right now and a lot of it is played to be comedic, including Lucci’s inability to lie, but yet again there’s almost nobody else that could get away with scolding him the way Kaku’s doing here.

…And then we skip ahead a day and things happen that I really hope get explained at some point because they seem important, but while Lucci’s never going to have impeccable bedside manner, he’s very concerned with getting Kaku to rest and while Kaku’s trying to justify what happened Lucci really doesn’t seem to care about that. It’s a big departure from him being willing to write off anyone he deems ‘too weak’ and it’s a nice character moment.

I’d mentioned on my liveblog that some of the things Lucci was doing after this point were confusing, but if you look at them through the lens of him wanting to protect Kaku, it makes a lot more sense. Yes, he’s deliberately keeping him out of the loop, but Lucci I think has decided that he’s going to throw caution to the wind and act alone since if Kaku can’t prove he knew about the plan, he’s probably safer being left with the Strawhats, and if the Marines show up he should be safe anyway or so Lucci thinks…

When this chapter came out, I’d said something about Lucci being a hypocrite considering what the rest of CP9 did for him when they could have easily just left him at Enies Lobby, but given what happens almost directly after and likely what he’s trying to do with this entire fight, these words feel even less genuine…

And that brings us to this. The moment that I’ve been thinking about for almost an entire week now. The moment that, looking back at…oh, wow…almost 3000 words of analysis maybe shouldn’t be as surprising as it was for most of us, but it does feel like the payoff for a long, long buildup that’s taken nearly twenty years to reach. Because really, there’s no other way to describe them other than ‘partners’, and probably hasn’t been for a long time…and I’m so glad that Lucci acknowledged it.

To summarize, I think what surprised me most about re-visiting all of this is how much the manga has framed them as equals since the beginning even though it was never explicitly stated between the characters themselves. Lucci’s always been far more lenient with Kaku than with anyone else, and Kaku in turn has never had any fear of Lucci even if he wasn’t really expressing his true self with him for a long time.

The cover story being the turning point makes perfect sense, and the progression throughout Egghead of Lucci being more outwardly willing to show his concern and Kaku not hiding his emotions at all seems like a natural progression of their relationship and their level of comfort around each other.

And the fact that Oda is never really…hitting us over the head with any of it until that final moment when Lucci says everything so plainly because Kaku’s life is the most important thing to him even when faced with a literal monster… It’s so effective. 

I don’t know where we go from here. To be honest, I’m kind of scared of where we go from here. But regardless of the outcome, I hope this little essay has been at the very least interesting and perhaps allowed you to look at these two in a different light.

Thanks for reading.

[thegirlking]

Continuing a bit from the previous post I made about Bruno, which was more about discussing the storyline in context of my own experience and similar real life situations. But I didn’t really discuss the actual writing of the movie and the general portrayal of such storylines in media, so I felt like sharing some more thoughts - getting a bit more critical here but again, no character bashing, don’t worry.

Storylines about cutting ties with your family are difficult to get right - in a family-oriented media, it can contradict the message and usually has to be toned down.

As I talked about in my first post, the topic is very sensitive and there is still a lot of stigma and shame attached to it - though people are starting to discuss it a lot more and it’s not difficult to find supportive people (at least in online spaces) who might share your experience and show you empathy.

That being said, media still struggles a bit with portraying things like that. It’s especially tricky for movies like Encanto, created by a company known for its “traditional family values” (and you know I don’t mean this in a good way - this has always been an argument against diverse and inclusive storytelling in animated movies, even if Disney is becoming a little bit more inclusive lately). Anyway, back on topic, the themes and message of Encanto are very much that a family can heal and mend their relationships - of course, this is a good message. (A more personal note: I might find it a little too idealistic and delivered in a rushed manner, but it’s a good and positive message after all, and if people can find hope it it, that’s great! I’m not a cynic, just because my own personal situation cannot be resolved positively, doesn’t mean I want all stories on this topic to be devoid of positivity.)

However, showing someone leaving and cutting ties with their family is not completely in tune with this kind of message - after all, this is usually the final step, a pretty extreme measure you take when the situation is really beyond repair. And let’s be honest, it real life, there’s usually no going back once you’ve done something like this.

And I think that might be why the movie kind of beats around the bush when it comes to Bruno’s whole situation and why the framing of it feels a bit inconsistent and not entirely honest at times - because even though he’s supposed to be a likeable and sympathetic character, he did make an extremely controversial decision that goes against the movie’s (and Disney’s) family values.

So the only way to make this kind of plot point work with the intended message was the following: 1) Giving Bruno a “selfless motive“ for leaving rather than doing it for his own well-being; 2) Making it clear he didn’t actually want to leave and that he loves and wants to be with his family.

I’m not saying there is something inherently wrong with this writing. It’s just that it almost feels like (just my opinion anyway, nobody has to agree) this is the only way his decision to leave can be seen as “forgivable” - if he had done it purely for selfish reasons (”selfish reasons” being removing himself from a toxic environment for the sake of his own well-being), then I do wonder if his character would have been portrayed as similarly sympathetic. 

How this all leads to unaddressed trauma

But here's my actual issue - the writing not being completely honest about Bruno's decision to leave, the writing being apparently scared of its own implications...results in problematic handling of Bruno's trauma and character resolution.

His actual trauma is barely addressed properly or taken seriously - the negative (to put it mildly) attitude to his gift, his toxic situation in the family and the ten years he spent in isolation - none of which is treated with enough importance, in my opinion. The large focus seems to be on how much he loves his family and the fact he can’t be with them anymore - this seems to be only thing the movie actually wants you to feel sorry about (see how the whole plate scene is portrayed as a tear-jerker vs how everything else about his situation is downplayed and even reduced to a joke). The fact Bruno can’t be with his beloved family is undoubtedly sad, but it’s not the source of his trauma - it’s a result of it and it’s just weird to dismiss the reasons for it. But it's apparently necessary to ignore and downplay the reasons purely because they lead back to the very uncomfortable topic of leaving a toxic family? That's how it seems.

The closest the movie comes to addressing his trauma and acknowledging the real reason he left is in Mirabel’s confrontation with Alma before the house collapsed - Mirabel (bless her!) does call out Alma for driving Bruno out of the family by always seeing the worst in him. But as great as this moment is, the movie doesn’t quite build on it.

Not when Bruno’s actual reunion with his family mostly consists of him being the one apologizing and trying to make amends. And because this seems to be a bit of a controversial topic - I do think it's fine for him to apologize. I do think that Pepa and Julieta deserve the apologies, it's not an issue that he apologized to them. At the same time, I’m also a bit iffy about how one-sided the whole thing is and that this is the sole focus of the reunion - it’s not even about people apologizing to him (verbal apologies are not everything) as much as I’d have preferred the focus to be on everyone learning his side of the story and finally understanding him, while recognizing they might have been unfair to him and hurt him even if they didn’t mean to. 

You can make the argument that there was simply no time for this, because it’s not his story after all, but I do think the way those reunions play out more or less comes down to my point - that the movie largely ignores his trauma and focuses just on his love for his family and inability to be with them. So of course, just the fact he’s accepted back into the family should be seen as enough to provide him a satisfactory conclusion and a happy ending, while everything else can be presumably dealt with off screen. 

Again, I don’t even necessarily think this is inherently bad writing and I know I shouldn’t expect too much from a Disney movie when it comes to handling a topic like this. The fact this character is generally portrayed in a positive light and not outright condemned by the narrative is already something. But I can’t help but feel that the writers accidentally wrote a subplot that was a bit more than the movie could handle and perhaps not entirely suited for the overall story they were trying to tell - it was always doomed to be handled in an awkward and not entirely satisfactory manner.

Ultimately, I think stories like Encanto are very important for children’s media - which is notorious for putting biological family on a pedestal to a harmful degree. I do think the movie did an okay job somewhat deconstructing this by showing how flawed families can be (without being flat out abusive or malicious) due to generational trauma. And yet, you could still feel the movie is afraid to be perfectly honest about its topics and has to downplay and sugarcoat certain things for the sake of achieving the desired happy ending. Somebody leaving their family is most certainly one of those uncomfortable topics that simply can’t be resolved as easily and neatly as the movie tries to, that’s why it has to bend it into fitting its message instead of dealing with it properly and resolving it in a way that actually strengthens the message. 

[atranswomansdiary]

Day 223

January 14, 2021

There’s a storm coming… And it’s not out there, but inside me.

I’ve never been a “vacation person”. What I mean by this is that vacations have never been something inherently attractive for me, even when I was young and they were like two and half months long. Maybe it was because of the way I was raised—among a piss poor family—when, even in the rare occasions when we got to go out on vacation together, it was mostly a frustrating and boring affair when we traveled in uncomfortable and/or dangerous conditions to not-so-nice places. I can’t remember a single vacation in my almost 35 years on this Earth when I was actually relaxed and forgot about the world and my problems, as I’ve heard other people describe their vacations.

When I turned into a full grown-up/adult, I was never long enough under the employment of a feudal corporate liege to get the benefit of a paid vacation. Whatever “vacation” or free time I’ve had in the past decade plus was the one we poor people get: with no benefits or payment, locked up at home, worried sick.

We call it “unemployment”.

I say this because, as much as I enjoy working with most people at the job I’m currently in, I can’t help but feel more and more uncomfortable around them as time passes by. And it’s not like they’re doing anything purposefully—at least, I don’t think they are—but… It’s just the name. My name.

The more time passes by, the more I’m uncomfortable by being called by my own fucking name. Yes, the one I was given at birth, alongside the role of “man” that I’m pretty sure now I was never supposed to have, as I discuss extensively on Day 47. It just makes my skin crawl whenever I hear it. I’ve always hated it, but now it’s just driving me insane. I don’t want it. I can’t stand it anymore.

So, considering that context, it shouldn't surprise you that, although I have little to no experience with vacations, I am now desperately looking forward to get my first paid one in… Fifteen years or so? This week has been the longest of my life in a while and I couldn’t wait to finally reach Friday—I can’t believe it’s tomorrow at long fucking last!—and forget about work… But mostly about my own fucking name. For a couple of weeks, at least.

I’ve read and watched trans people often referring to their previous names as “deadnames”… And I think I begin to understand what they’re talking about.

Although I don’t have a new name yet (I haven’t given the topic much thought, to be honest), the one I was given at birth has gone from a nuisance into an issue and now it’s just a constant headache. A motherfucking EVA 10, brain-melting one.

Before it used to be just an ugly thing I had to live with, but now I just find it unbearable and even infuriating at times. So much so that, sometimes, I get this feeling inside of me, an anger growing up in my stomach and rising up, and the only thing I want is to scream back at them THAT IS NOT MY NAME!

I don’t do it, of course, because a) I don’t want to lose this job and b) besides, they’d probably ask, “What’s your name, then?” and what would I say in that situation? “I have no idea, but at least not that one (?).” Even I find that answer insufficient, to say the least.

So here I am, dreading the prospect of going to work each day even more so than before. And when I come back home, I feel exhausted and spent. It doesn’t really help that I have no one to talk to besides my mom. Even A.P., who used to come here often before, doesn’t do so anymore. He used to call me and we would speak for hours, as well, but that also doesn’t happen anymore. J.C. is busy with family and work—as he has been for the past decade or so—and so I come back everyday to an apartment that is more or less filled with stuff, but devoid of precious human life.

I just want to lie down and sleep for a decade.

I know, I know: that sounds like good ol’ depression, doesn’t it? I’ve been feeling the familiar dread these past few days, I admit. Although New Year’s with my family was great (as I noted on Day 211), after that my mood has been going downhill. I’ve been feeling lonelier and lonelier, and I’m having a hard time finding reasons to go to work, eat or even do anything besides sleeping. And when I sleep (which is how most of my days come and go), my dreams are filled with nightmares. I don’t remember them, but the exhaustion and being emotionally spent afterwards are as real as anything else in this world, I assure you.

Come to think of it, maybe this is the result of the wonderful New Year’s I had at my parents’ house. I know it sounds weird, but hear me (read me?) out.

Before that, I was as alone and isolated as I am now, but I didn’t see any alternative. But after that day back at my parents, I can now envision going back to live with them as a better option to my lonely and isolated current life. And, although I (romantically) imagined living alone as a tortured genius for a while (insert rolling eyes so hard that you can see the back of your head), I don’t think I imagined it to be the permanent state of affairs.

I think that, if I’m being honest with myself, I live alone because I wanted to be independent and have the ability to socialize on my own terms and times, not because I wanted to be a hermit—for all intents and purposes—for the rest of my life. But I don’t see how I will ever socialize anymore, not after what happened on Day 126. I think I feel so alone and isolated these days because I’m actually avoiding going out or engaging with anybody out of crippling fear of being rejected and harmed.

I think that I’m really looking forward to my paid vacation because I see it as a golden opportunity to clear my head and make up my mind about a couple of things, such as whether I’m actually going to transition (or not); whether I’m going to keep on living alone (or going back to my parents’); and whether or not I’ll keep on working in a currently-comfortable-but-maybe-not-so-much-so-in-the-future place.

Until then, with love,

ZZ

[sorcererest-sorcerer]

You know where I think this is really coming from?

Corporations have spent decades spewing propaganda to convince the general public that it’s personally each person’s fault for the planet dying.

I think it’s gotten to the point where many people just assume that any human interaction with nature or animals at all is inherently immoral and caustic.

As usual, capitalism is the root problem, as it often does force farmers to cut corners in meat production, leading to a decline in the animals’ quality of life. This results in people generally demonizing animal husbandry as a whole, because of course if some things humans do to animals are evil, everything else must be the same. Exotic animals are poached for their furs, so doesn’t that mean sheering sheep involves harming or killing them? If cows are hooked up to terrible extraction machines to drain their milk, surely the production of honey must be similar? If zoos house animals in tiny insufficient enclosures, certainly it is immoral to keep pets.

Humans are not inherently evil, and the more we police our interactions with nature, the less connected we become to our planet and the lives that we share it with. It is not cruel to trade with animals, shelter and safety for product. It only becomes cruelty when we fail to uphold our end of the bargain.

Beekeepers want bees to be happy, because happy bees stick around and make more honey.

Ranchers should be similarly invested in their cows happiness, but those cows will die no matter what and meat is food. If the herd is not eaten, what do you suggest we do with the bodies?

Sheering a sheep for wool is literally a haircut and nothing more. The skin of a sheep is only valuable when it’s on a living sheep growing hair. If the sheep is cut, it is doctored because dead sheep don’t produce wool.

I’m not saying that husbandry is devoid of animal abuse, but it’s so far from the norm. Humans are not monsters. Some of us are, but the people outnumber the monsters. They might be big and they might be scary and they might have a lot of money, but they are few and we are many.

vegans make peace with honey

no shut up do it

[edutainmentarsenal]

It seems

To me many people don’t understand the algorithm for what it is.

We are born into the world, this community of experience of life.

The internet is a reflection of that.

However, it is generally biased, because not everyone has access to the internet.

But, regardless, it exists as a whole representation of what people want in general.

And the desire to be seen as a part of humanity comes with the need to make content and join the party so to speak, to get what we all want to see whatever stage you are in in life.(this is why people flock to colleges, concerts, church, everyone wants to feel seen.) Unfortunately, that may lead to an identity crisis by people superimposing themselves on a simple internet browser. Spoiler, the algo didn’t target them, people did and that’s just a fact of life. Not everyone is a friend. So…

What are those things we all have in common for, let’s say goals? Well, it’s easy to find. Let’s start with the basics then work up to greed and how that is defined situationally irl and perceived through, in, and around the internet.

Think about what everyone needs for survival, food, homes, transportation, attractions. All to some degree and we love seeing those things as a possibility.

So, it’s easy to understand why popularity thrives around presentation because the internet is a visual and sometimes audio stimulation tool.

Now with added touch, because we can communicate on it. But, be wary, this is not the full extent of human contact in a healthy sense, right? We need more, most of us do and that’s ok. But, don’t be fooled you can get everything you see within your lifetime.

Not to get philosophical…

Where this can become a problem for some,

Manifests in ways like:……

-Believing the algorithm is alive, like a person.

Well, it isn’t so, pleasing it is delusional and perverted of its existence.

-choosing to believe it is inherently a threat.

Again, this is based in fiction, if anything yes, people can be a threats but, blaming that on an object is like blaming a gun for murder. Devoid of human consideration.

This is where we can observe potential manipulation factors.

Someone who is venerable to certain ideals of self preservation and growing a perceived level of respect may be easily influenced by predatory programs such as view bottling or phishing scams.

*tbd revisions….

Who are these people who create software or malware to inject into the algorithm in order to target and manipulate anyone they can to achieve a sort of crusade type of wealth for themselves; be it physical obsession, I was going to say mental too but, that seems redundant and, just that.

That’s who we’re looking for.

If you want to fight something successfully, know what you’re fighting. Likely not content creators but, the followers.

People want to follow and believe in something but they don’t always understand what they are getting or can get because it can manifest in seemingly infinite ways regardless of the platform….

I mean really. There is no fundamental difference with talking to people irl or digitally. It seems weird to subscribe to a cult of physicalized personality, why does all communication have to be within arms reach? Or trending physically obsessive bullying while angry, bored, digi-power play larpers march around in droves of online personas use the internet as if it is them that own it, “get off the internet, go touch grass.”

What if I’m allergic?<—please ignore, this voice butted in.

Guess what, it doesn’t end because you say so, welcome to the tech age.

We invented it.

It’s funny how they are also using the internet to say “get off of it.”

Haha the needless hypocrisy

Hmm…

Sidetracked, this is a big topic…

God, tumblr has such a fun interface for writing…

So, where does this misconception of illusion come into play?

People cling to something about group mentality when they communicate, ironically, while sitting alone behind a screen but, see, we make tech in our image to feel a connection and pride to associate with it. Arguably, the physical world is perceived as a bountiful and virtuous space where everyone is a better person if they try harder, genuinely feels absurd. To feel like the internet is a gateway to replace everything good in this world is actually, ableist?

Perhaps they internalize their emotions that are easily stimulated by the fear of perceived anonymity they feel the internet or communication device gives to someone. Usually, demand and crave immediate closure to their recurrent intolerance for the unknown by lashing out upon someone they don’t think deserves it. Sometimes, right?

It’s like when nostalgia critics boast about being ‘born in the wrong era’ as if fleeting delusions will cure their depression or what have you.

Maybe that’s disconnected or nonsensical.

If the algorithm were a person, or deity, maybe struggle or miscommunication would be impossible.

Hold up.

Mirror/looking glass/like ball theory:

Algo does not technically exist past the construct of human experience:fact.

Persona is like a mirror people reflect back to for sustainable(?) interactions. Algo is the space(world(let’s use “hello world” coding language as the baseline for understanding that construction, much like a building irl, “hello world!” Building a digital space for human experience with somewhat limited sensory processing available)).

Fear of algo=fear of world=fear of people=fear of oneself and capabilities=unstable user

Counter debate:

Use of computer=fear of people irl=fear of oneself=addiction to fear of oneself?=addiction to the unknown=???

Then, why use communication devices at all?

I mean, usually true isolationists aren’t social, so it’s a fine line.

All of this is brain storming the extreme perspectives of whether or not digital spaces are real spaces in terms of how people interact. It comes down to personal beliefs if I took the time to factor social romanticism and ideological thinking I guess but, by technical definition, not so much.

******

I guess fear is an easy example to consider because it’s the most common but, I don’t understand irrational fear of things, generally…. So. It’s ultimately frustrating to encounter but, I can talk about it here, right now, so, that’s an incredible benefit for me.

What if jealousy/control example? “Get off/on the internet! You belong there/are on it too much!”, …those voices can disappear now…there you go, squabble on my blog post, haha.

That’s reminiscent of “you think too much.”

??????????????

……

Oh hell yea, this thiss works.

[athenaalexandria]

Ok so stories. Why are some stories kind of empty despite great stakes and plot and characters? Because of scale. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, especially around the current Multiverse hyperfixation the media has.

Ok so like humans are what make good books. And I don’t just mean AI writers are bad. I mean your book will not be good if it doesn’t have a human element. Honestly I don’t think it’s even possible to write a story completely devoid of the human touch simply because the language we use to communicate our ideas inherently puts things through the human lens. But more human equals better story. So let’s think about this in a few ways.

If we go with movies, let’s do marvel and everything everywhere all at once. Both have multiverse. Marvel has big epic fights with crazy special effects, super blockbuster. But the problem with say end game is the sheer scale. You can’t feel the humanity in time travel and half the universe being dead and a war of CGI armies. You can even see this in the memes and favorite scenes. People like nebula and Tony at the start. We make memes of hope giving a taco to antman. Because we resonate with those character and human moments on the small scale.

Now compare this to everything everywhere all at once. It also has crazy fights and super cool special effects and multiverse shenanigans. But the difference, and why it’s the better movie, is that it’s not actually a multiverse story. It’s a story about a family, generational trauma, being queer, how love can save you, letting go and trusting your loved ones, and so much more. It’s a family drama with a multiverse background.

And this even carries over to other media as well! Video games is a big one, and the best example in my mind is Skyrim VS Starfield. They are made by the same developer with the same engine and the be same design philosophy. But Skyrim is just so much more loved. Why? Because Skyrim may have dragons and wars, but it’s also a much more human story of a people in the north battling to keep their ways in a changing land with an existential threat to their way of life with only you as protection from this threat. Starfield is jumping across barren moons for 3 hours. It’s too expansive, there’s not human touch, and you can’t connect with this world when it’s at such a scale. Skyrim is the Nordic lands, Starfield is thousands of planets. The scale, THE SCALE.

I first got this opinion when I started reading Xianxia and other Asian stories online. You can think of this through the lens of dragon ball. It starts with fighting in fighting tournaments where people kick hard, and ends with spirit bombs that can destroy a planet. Xianxia is the worst offender (I’m looking at YOU “I Eat Tomatoes”) where at the start you find a pet rat and learn to move fast at fight good with a sword. By the end you’re controlling the very fundamental laws of the heavenly dao to wipe out universes with trillions of lives just snuffed out because some dude said you had a small dick. Like shit is crazy.

Anyways I kinda lost the plot and focus went whooeee but basically write your books to be about people, keep the world and crazy rules in the background. Make us care about your characters and use the eye divine cybermancy background to make your characters and their arc even cooler and better. Also metaphors and shit with background but my thumbs are hurting so I’m gonna stop typing now.

[somemovieguy]

Why the Disney Remakes Don't "Work"

Blog #12 December 3rd 2023

Disney has been on a mission to remake all of their famous animated films in a live-action format, with the first of these releasing in 2015: Cinderella. The reception for these films has been… less than anticipated. They have absolutely made money, as can be expected for pretty much anything released by a studio like Disney, but there aren’t many people who like or even respect them. Taking films that have long been adored for their art style, color, fantasy elements, and incredible music, and turning them into dull-colored, real-life films that often take away the magic people associate with the originals has not been a worthwhile project for Disney.

There is nothing inherently wrong with remaking a movie, or even taking animation and making a live-action adaptation. What happens very often, though, is the remake will be stripped of everything people love about animation, and it will be left only with a familiar story.

One of the worst offenders of this is probably The Little Mermaid (2023). This one particularly broke my heart. The original from 1989 was my favorite princess movie as a kid, and seeing that an actor as talented as Halle Bailey was going to be playing Ariel gave me hope that Disney would take this one seriously. She was absolutely wonderful, but the film fell flat once again. Where the original had some of the most colorful scenes I had ever seen in my life, red and purple and pink ocean life, this one showed only… bluish gray sand. All of the magic I had once felt with the original was lost.

I don’t think Disney necessarily should stop making their remakes (nor that they would consider it if people said they should), but I think they should learn from the reception of the others. Live action doesn’t have to mean “devoid of all color and fantasy”. If they tried to stay true to the originals just a little bit more, I think the results would be better for everyone involved, studio and viewer.

[themthouse]

I actually think this has a lot to do with the common misuse of “queer baiting” too or insistence that it’s not REAL representation unless two canonically queer people kiss on camera and other similar complaints I’ve seen about representation not being canonically acknowledged. Representation in production does not always and does not have to always immediately correlate to canon representation in the final product, but I can still relate to stories about queerness or disability or generational trauma, etc. when I can tell someone who has experience with those gets a say in the narrative, direction or even costuming, even when the story is not overtly about those subjects.

As someone who grew up in a /very/ small religious community (less than 1% of population), I do not expect to see characters who grew up with the same background as me, or worse, when they do, it is completely devoid of nuance or relatability. But I was shocked as an adult to find that a lot of my favorite books as a child were written by authors who belonged to that same religious community. Without doing it on purpose, I gravitated towards stories that featured the same moral questions about navigating a world that looked so different from your home life, and then later, wrestling with your upbringing and finding family and community when the one you were born into isn’t safe anymore.

The flip side to that is that I also love and cherish those stories when they come from people with vastly /different/ experiences than me. I love seeing a young Muslim man try to balance his religion and community with his personal desires and growth in Rami. Or a small Italian boy do his version of the same in Luka. I find that I relate more to the queer coming of age stories from storytellers who are first generation immigrants than I do from people who left similar religious communities, and I couldn’t entirely tell you why. I fully acknowledge that being trans and being disabled and growing up with unrealistic expectations of beauty are all vastly different experiences, but a story where a character has a complicated relationship with their body is still gonna move me regardless of where the storyteller drew their inspiration.

The thing is that representation Behind the Screen WILL equate to representation in media, even when it isn’t overt. Diversity in storytellers means diversity in stories, and even when that doesn’t mean seeing your own exact experience reflected back at you, it does often mean feeling /seen/. I don’t need the story to be overtly about X issue or experience for it to be valuable. I know there’s a time and place for, and even inherent value in, overt, direct representation, but I also don’t want to see people dismissing representation when it comes to them in ways that aren’t immediately visible. Between a technically well done story about X experience produced by people who are not X and a technically well done story about space alien mermaids produced by people who ARE X, I’d take the later, I think, almost every time.

kinda annoys me that criticisms of representation in popular media were intended as a means to point out how people of colour, lgbt people, people with disabilities and other marginilised folks were systemically kept out of creative positions of power in the industry which lead to the creation of media that further marginilised them - but those conversations were mutated and co-opted. now, "representation" is mostly used as a shallow metric by which ppl judge the media itself rather than the system and people that made it. it's insane to me that people say "I won't watch succession because there's no lgbt/poc representation" or they'll say, "you have to watch xyz show because it has xyz representation". Representation and it's mere presence (or supposed absence) is not an indicator of quality in any way. moreover, discussing representation so reductively completely ignores creative intention and disregards real issues of systemic inclusion in favour of using aesthetics as a scapegoat. I need people to stop asking, "is this piece of media diverse?" and start asking, "who is telling this story, why is it being told, and who benefits most from telling it this way?". don't do yourself, art, or the fight the disservice of being reductive.

[asakamasanobu]

happy birthday ricchan i like you a normal amount and thank you so so much for changing my life <3

[arcane-ish]

Arcane characters and their parental figures

Piggybacking off my post a while ago about how Caitlyn is almost too nice and well adjusted for this fictional world, what struck me most about her is how sweet and generally supportive her parents seem to be. Yes even with the tension they have with over protectiveness and some disapproval. But the scene where they fix up her injuries just felt like a really heartwarming and natural rapport.

This in turn made me think of how sweet Jayce is generally with his mom. 

And that in turn made me think that at least in League canon Ekko is supposed to have loving parents. 

When I look at the characters in Arcane who I think are/will be “white hats” (ie “good guys”/”well motivated guys”), those are Caitlyn, Jayce, Heimer, Ekko.  

They still might screw up and screw up badly, but they imo all have an optimism to them as opposed to characters who are motivated by spite or desperation, that to me makes the most sense because they had loving homelives. 

(with Heimer as the exception, since we don’t really know whether Yordles, his species even has families, for all we know they just pop out of thin air, but generally the place where he comes from, Bandle City, seems super idyllic [watch Arcane contradict me and add a flashback with him having disapproving yordle parents who never wanted him to travel the world or something] [but I doubt it]) 

On the other hand we have Jinx who has a very dysfunctional father figure and with Viktor it is really striking how he doesn’t seem to have any family and siblings. He is mostly hiding his efforts to heal himself and is going through it completely alone, again as a stark contrast to Jayce who we see with his mother, running some things past her.  

If Viktor has parents, they probably weren’t great due to this line that nobody ever believed in him, so he believes in himself. 

Then we have imo the group of Vi, Mel and Sevika. Sevika mentions her father in passing and it sounds complicated, but not completely hostile. As a character, we do see her be mean spirited (ie telling Jinx hurtful things) but we also see traces of loyalty. 

Then we have Vi, who had a pretty traumatic childhood with a lot of loss. We see her struggle with her temper and with dejection. But her big theme is how she has a good heart despite her upbringing (and of course a positive parental figure at least for a while in Vander). 

A really interesting one to me is Mel. We don’t know where exactly her character will end up and 100% of what her motives are. In Act 3, it did seem like she was motivated by idealism (ie defending the Piltover way of life against Noxus), but there might be other motives as well (like getting to the top of Piltover’s society, making a name for herself). 

In the flashback where her mother forces her to watch somebody murdered in front of her, I would say clearly qualifies as bad parentage and it’s interesting that she displays “a good heart” even back then. This makes me wonder, are we supposed to get from this that we was inherently good despite her dark circumstances? Or did she get it from somebody after all, like maybe her father is nice or she had a loving nanny? I also wonder whether her relationship with her mother will end up being more layered than it might seem (again killing people in front of Mel, forcing her into making horrible choices, calling her weak, sending her away), maybe with a dose of “she loves her daughter in her own way”. 

BTW the more I think of it, the more odd it feels that in a show that is so heavily about family including parents and children (again showing us parents that aren’t essential to the plot at all for Jayce and Caitlyn, having even side characters like Sevika or Signed talk about parentage) , Viktor is the main character is who completely devoid of any parental/familial presence. 

(okay Ekko and Heimer also don’t have a parently presence in the show, I’m just infering that they have/had positive childhoods) 

(now I kind of want a fic where Ekko’s mom or dad tries to appraoch Silco to find out what happened to Poweder because they can tell how distressed Ekko is about Powder) 

[telaraneas]

(i change my mind, copypasting this to its own post cause it really got away from me. long post warning)

i guess what im thinkin is like, that light is the domain of “things that MUST happen, for Reasons”; mind is the domain of “things must/will happen, for REASONS”; void is the domain of, like, “things happen or don’t happen for no discernible reason, necessarily”.

thats not really a great description of it i guess but, for instance, a good example is that one time Rosesprite happened…. For No Reason. and for no reason, really i mean no narrative reason- it ended up setting off a chain of events that resolved the subplots of many minor characters, so it’s not like it’s USELESS, but there was kind of no way to predict that whole thing from a “narratively this is something that we are leading up to” standpoint, which is why roxy’s actions brought it about on accident, and why rose was so thoroughly perplexed by it the whole way through. void is probably closer to the way things happen in real life, but it is sort of the anthitesis to the way things happen in stories, where everything is deliberate and happens for A Narrative Reason… but homestuck was always largely written on the fly at least in the smaller scale things, so this sort of thing just Happens lol

incidentally im pretty sure a mind player like terezi could have technically predicted that, if she had for any reason at all been previously informed of all the moving parts of that whole thing and TRYING to predict what the fuck jaspersprite was gonna do, because it IS perfectly logical in hindsight, but like… that’s the whole thing, why the fuck WOULD you be trying to look into that or predict it????? there was seemingly no narrative reason for any of that to be relevant! and that’s kind of what void is about i think!

on a similar note i thing breath is more along the lines of just…. Things Happen. similarly to void, it’s not about trying to discern WHAT will happen or WHY, but unlike void, the things that DO happen under the influence of breath ARE kind of things that the narrative called for. breath seems to be kind of the aspect dominating narrative contrivance

people often confuse contrivance with plot holes, but from what i understand they’re very different. a plot hole is when something happens, and it makes no sense for it to happen to the degree it breaks with previously established known facts, and it’s just never explained.

a plot contrivance doesn’t really contradict anything, necessarily, it’s just… like… there’s no reason for it to NOT happen the way it does, but there’s also no reason for it TO happen the way it does, and overall the reason it’s considered bad writing is because it tends to come across as lazy. oh, the heroes JUST SO HAPPENED to find the one magic sword that can defeat the bad guy, just laying on the side of the road. how convenient!

…incidentally, john’s entire story arc seems to be built entirely around moments like these skfnkenfke

i think it was smart writing to codify this as 1. the influence of an actual cosmic force that DOES operate on those principles, and 2. make john have to figure out how to get a handle on things by himself, even if the tools and circumstances just happened to be aligned in his favor by everything else in the story. john still has to be the one to turn HIMSELF into a deus ex machina, on-screen, to fix everything. it gives the story a good narrative and emotionally resonant reason to just contrive the hell out of everything john does and goes through, while STILL delivering on his arc as a hero’s journey

(i also think it’s really funny that the ring, which gets LITERALLY deus ex machina’d into the story via the author himself, is CONVENIENTLY found by tavros, and john CONVENIENTLY ends up with it in the story itself sjfnskdn true breath shenanigans, and incredibly fitting that vriska rejected it and played no part in it because there was no previously known indication that the ring would be important in any way until the two breath players started playing hot potato with it)

i’m still not sure if i have a good grasp on what exactly time does, because we have seen very different attitudes taken towards it by various different players AND the official description, and it’s hard to tell what, in each regard, comes from time as an aspect, from the classes of the characters, or from the characters themselves/both things; but for now i think my best guess is that time is kind of “things already happened, this is inmutable, let’s just cut to the chase”, more or less. like, the way this differs from light is that light still thinks of things more or less linearly, even when they UNDERSTAND this is not the case, whereas time tends to just not even concieve of things has “something that is happening”

like, example, vriska vs aradia; they both kind of enabled Big Bad Things that they already knew would happen via timeline shenanigans- but from what i recall, i don’t think aradia ever PERSONALLY set any of those events in motion, she simply didn’t correct any misunderstandings and thus allowed the wheels of time to turn smoothly; whereas vriska went “bec noir Will Happen = someone will make it happen anyways = i’m gonna make it happen myself, cause someone has to, and it might as well be me!!!” because of her compulsion to be the master of her own fate

aradia didnt so much see her actions as her *doing* anything, evil or good; she was pretty much just making sure things ended up where they were already going to end up/had already ended up, devoid of motivation or reason. similar to dave in the first five acts, just opening and closing loops Because He’s Gotta until he eventually runs out of steam and loops to close, because he really never had any motivations for doing what he was doing other than Well, I Already Did Them, So Obviously I Have To Do Them So I Can Have Already Done Them. no intent or motivation inherent to the actions themselves for half the story

a more childish example is caliborn getting fed up with the story and the Interpersonal Problems of the players and being like “fuck this, just skip to the good parts, they’re Going to happen so why do we have to sit through all of this shit!”. obv contrast to calliope, who seems to illustrate the kind of reader who would rather explore the status quo forever and imagine all the character interactions possible, playing in the *space* of the work in between the big status quo shifts and dreading said shifts, where caliborn wants to skip right past the status quo and have a story composed of nothing BUT the big shifts, the start and end of things

(neither of these are a sustainable way to tell a story, which is why you need at least a space and a time player)

[williamofwestworld]

William’s Darkness. Spoilers ahead. Do not reblog. I feel the need to talk about this topic today because I feel like it is something that is completely misunderstood by many people, even by myself, since last the season. This darkness that he is referring to is not evilness, but emptiness, the absence of anything, essentially a void. A black hole. Whatever you would like to call it, it’s not evil per say, it is the absence of anything meaningful. 

William, since the beginning, and I am referring to younger William here, has felt like he doesn’t belong to this world. He has been looking for a place to belong because the world that Westworld has created is devoid of any meaning. Programs, such as Rehoboam, has decided many many many things for people until their very existence has felt fake. So he started reading books to find meaning in them. Stories about heroes and villains and knights. He read up on Philosophy to a point where he could quote philosophers to find meaning to his own life and he never found that.

Dolores gave him meaning, though, and that woke him up to a bigger reality... actually realizing how fake everything was and how unhappy he truly was just going through the motions of every day life.

This is depression. All of it. William is severely depressed because everything seems and feels so artificial.

William found meaning in Dolores. He found what he was truly capable of because of her. He had been stepped on by people his entire life and suddenly he was capable of fighting back and getting the things that he wanted and he liked that he finally had some control over his own life and how it could turn out... Dolores was like a mirror for him because he realized that was a part of himself that had been there all along and she made him realize that.

Having her die and not remember him did break him in many many many ways. Suddenly there was this void of meaning inside of himself again. There was no more light there. It was dark again. He had been given light and then it was taken away again.

Now, after all of this, this void could have been filled with some meaning that he had been looking for. He kept going back to Dolores in hope that she may come back to him, but she never did... and he gave up. He went back to what he would consider a meaningless life. Going through the motions again and again, all the while looking at humanity and seeing how terrible they treated each other. How selfish, terrible, and fake everything seemed to be.

Depression can make things seem worse than they really are and that can breed anger and hatred, which William let out in the park. So, while the darkness, the void, the depression isn’t inherently bad, he truly did become a black hole that sucked in everything, even light, all around him and Emily and Juliet suffered because of it. Did he purposely do it? No. He tried to keep it from them, thinking that his darkness was inherently evil and only let it out in the park... but that’s the thing... someone’s mood can spread to those around them, even if it is unintentional. 

We all know that William has an extremely dark view of the world from season 3 during his little therapy session where he compared humanity to bacteria. The host version of himself even admitted to trying to find meaning in the hosts before killing Bernard. Westworld felt like those stories that he had been reading about since he was a kid and so he felt like he could finally live in one of those stories that had meaning, rather than the meaningless existence that the world the show creators had made where every decision was made for you. Westworld let you be free from that for a while and he really quite enjoyed that to a point where he felt like he belonged to one of those stories and wanted to stay there.

Isn’t it weird though, how a supposedly fake world that Ford created was more free and real than the real world? William sort of lived in this delusion until he killed Emily, which woke him up to the fact that not everything going on around him was just a game. The stakes were real now, just as he had always wanted and when he finally got that, he realized he didn’t want it anymore. It wasn’t what he had hoped that it would be.

He realized that both systems, the Hosts and the humans were broken (because they were mirrors, reflections of the people who built them) and there was no hope in saving any of it by the end of season 4, so he was basically like, in his own William fashion, “fuck it, let’s start over.” The human world is fake, evil, broken, and devoid of any meaning and the hosts were just as broken as the people who created them (in William’s eyes), so he decided to pull the plug on all of it. The darkness, while it didn’t start out as evil, it became evil because that’s how the chips fell, because of everything with Dolores, and everything after.

[utterlyinevitable]

The Conference (Part 9)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 

Paring: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Rebecca Lao) Word Count: 3.7k Rating: T+ Warning: Some cursing Summary: It’s the evening after the keynote and they go out for a civil dinner date.

A/N: shout out to ruby @starrystarrytrouble for reminding me people actually like reading this mess 💕

________________________________________

After we finished up the panel I stuck around the conference hall to network whilst Ethan had ditched the crowd at the first opportunity he got, heading back to our hotel room and venturing away from the pecking vultures. To be honest, I didn’t really blame him. Everyone wanted a piece of the poor, well-endowed man. 

A couple hours later, I shuffled back into our apartment. My aching feet somehow prevailed without causing me to collapse on the odd geometric carpet floor, or ditching my heels along the way and walking barefoot like some uncultured frosh stumbling home at 3AM. Once through the heavy metal plated door, I headed straight to my room, not throwing a single pleasantry towards Ethan in the seating area. From what I could tell he was typing furiously on his laptop after nursing a scotch - the empty crystal tumbler on the table was a dead giveaway. 

The anxiety and delirium inducing stress of the day lifted the second my kinda-sweaty body collapsed onto the private armchair in my room, clutching its aqua-colored arms and sinking into the velvet cushion. Staring out at the familiar skyline my mind started to replay the happenings of the day; every little thing that happened - from the confidence I felt during our speech, to the way that asshole called me out, and how Ethan stood up for me every step of the way. How proud he was even if he relayed the sentiment in such small words. 

We survived today. We haven’t strangled each other nor suffered any little deaths. All that’s left for this trip is the tour we have tomorrow morning, and then we’ll be on our way back to Edenbrook. Back to the way things were… 

Somehow my tired and self destructive brain decided it wanted to revel in the memories of the last few days. Thinking about all the non-work things that happened this trip. Thinking of all the words shared, and the blast from the past. And the revelation that little adventure birthed. 

Fuck me...

Things are weird. Like, so weird. I don’t know what I’m doing or why I’m even thinking this… but I miss him. Today showed me how great we are together! Professionally and as friends. We’re the dynamic duo: Ramsey and his Rookie. His. I - 

I need to stop thinking that. 

I belong to myself. I do what I want when I want and with whom I want. 

And so does he. And that’s why I walked away. I’m- 

I’m still getting over him. 

While simultaneously trying to get under him… 

Thoughts wandered back to Ryan and how long it took me to get over the detrimental ‘what if’s of him. If I held on tighter and longer and didn’t get in the way of myself back then - if one thing was different - everything could be different. 

A small, revelatory gasp escaped me. 

I didn’t want things to be different. 

After eight fucking years I finally understood. 

If I didn’t love and lose Ryan I never would have found my way to Boston. To Ethan. And here - knowing what I do and having all the experiences of the last few months - I couldn’t continue a life without knowing Ethan Ramsey. 

I’m going to do whatever I can to repair our friendship. 

I changed my clothes into something not requiring heels - black skinny jeans, a blouse and my trusty Chelsea boots - and my hair pulled back into a bun. Simple, sleek, and completely me. No pomp and circumstance, or hiding behind anything. Just me, making an effort.  

With all the determination I could muster I sauntered into the living room where I assumed Ethan would still be. 

I was right; he hadn’t changed positions at all. Sitting there on the couch, his feet up on the gaudy footstool with his laptop perched on his lap, tortoise-patterned glasses framing his face, and furiously typing on the keyboard. 

“So...” I trailed awkwardly to break the tension surrounding him, leaning against the wall with my hands stuffed in my armpits. “What do you want to do for dinner?” 

“Oh,” He planted his feet on the floor and turned to face me fully, moving his laptop off of him and folding his arms in his lap. “Uh, well-”

Quickly I added, “If you’d rather eat alone it’s fine by me. I was thinking of grabbing pizza at John’s.” 

Ethan nodded in response, saying, “Sounds good.”

“Cool,” I nodded back. “You ready or…?”

“Let me grab my things,” he stood, collected his things and headed to his room.

Less than two minutes later we headed out of the apartment together, walking side by side. Though this time wasn’t like earlier. There wasn’t the blind determination and need to impress like this morning. Right now we were two people who used to know one another going out to dinner in a spectacular converted synagogue.  

***

For anyone who doesn’t know John’s, it’s a local family-style pizza joint. There’s three restaurants around the city and the Times Square location is by far the best. Every time I have a hot minute to spare I try to go - the stained glass and craftsmanship of the building is everything! But you don’t want to hear about that… and neither did Ethan when I tried to fill the silence during our walk with all the reasons to love this place. For some reason he preferred to barge and weave in silence. 

Whatever. 

Lucky enough he was more chatty once we were seated. 

Our table was in the mezzanine with not much of a view besides the stone staircase in the corner and the large dome towering above. The dim lighting complimented the deep wooden table and beige upholstered seating. 

We ordered. And without the menu to keep our attention, I tried my hand at conversation once more.  

“Be honest, how did we do?”

Looking me in the eyes, ones that mirrored mine, showed such confidence and pride as he said his next words;

“You handled it well, Becca.” There was a tug at the corners of his mouth that pulled at my own. I was about to get a rare Ramsey smile - one I’ve been devoid of for far too long. 

“Dare I even say, like a natural.” 

I got to revel in the small compliment for a few moments as the server brought over our food - garlic knots, small veggie pizza, and a chef’s side salad. 

“I didn’t stutter too much or come off too young?” I couldn’t help but ask when it was just us two again. His opinion matters more than anyone else’s when it comes to my career. 

“You did.” 

“But you -” 

He cut me off, a slight shake of his big head, “You are young and this was your first keynote.” he clarified. And once more he said pridefully, “You did well.” 

After what felt like ages we shared a private smile. How he was able to bring me back into myself with a few words and stop fussing over imposter syndrome is a wonder.  

“Now eat some pizza and be happy.” 

My smile grew to a goofy one by the way he was looking at me, bemused. I refrained from sticking my tongue out and dug into a little slice of heaven. “Don’t have to tell me twice.”

We dug in. Letting the flavors dance over my taste buds and make me only as happy as a New York slice could make me. No amount of fantastic sex could compare to pizza. Everything kind of disappeared - time stopped while the first bites settled in my tummy. Even Ethan looked to be enjoying it even though it’s not fancy smancy and artery clogging. 

Eventually I broke our companioned silence;

“How was lunch with Chief Fredericks?” I asked as I reached for a scrumptious ball of garlicy dough. 

The response left his lips so swiftly he didn’t even bother to look up from his plate; 

“Informative.”

I scoffed at the non-answer answer. 

My little grumble pulled him out of his bubble and he looked over at me - those damn baby blues challenging my thoughtfully indecent outburst. I just gave him a look right back. 

Ethan rolled his eyes and reached for another slice. Cutting it up with a fork and knife like an absolute weirdo.  

“He heard about the state budget cuts. Wanted to know what I think and if I’d be open to consult every so often.” 

“And?” I probed. 

“And what? You know how I feel about the future of Edenbrook.” 

“Yes. But if it goes under, what do you think you’ll do? I mean, everyone’s going to be throwing themselves at you.” 

I shoved some greenery in my gob to keep from adding the jarring truth. 

Everyone throws themselves at you. 

But who he gives his attention to is another story.  

Ethan shrugged ever so nonchalantly, “I haven’t thought about it.” 

The cavalier way he was speaking of his life after Edenbrook had thrown me off. Ethan was never this laid-back. It just wasn’t in his nature. There’s always something for this man to stress over. And Edenbrook’s closing should be his anxiety numero uno. 

But here he was, ever so calm. 

Hmm... 

“Are you in denial?” I said through a bite, fully anticipating another non-answer.  

“Maybe.” 

The way he said it took me aback. It was inherently honest and soft. All of his jagged features were rounded and there was a dulled little twinkle in his eye. 

Yeah, something’s going on here he’s not telling me.  

“Ethan -” 

And of course he deflects by turning the conversation on me; “What are you going to do?” 

Keeping from rolling my eyes at his obvious deflection from roaming into his feelings deeper, I replied, “Transfer my residency.” 

“Where?” 

“I…” - dammit - “don’t know.”

I haven’t really dwelled on what happens when the hospital closes. Obviously I need to finish residency if I want to be an actual practicing doctor. But the matching process can go screw itself. I don’t never ever want to do that again - all I cared about was matching with the best. And I did. So who’s the second best now? 

Is it wherever he goes?  

There’s just so much to think about, and I’d really rather not. Not until the last few nails are lined up against the coffin. 

“See,” he said with a hint of a lopsided grin, “Neither of us are ready to leave Edenbrook behind.” 

He was right. Of course he’s right. You didn’t need to be a diagnostician or even a doctor to see that we’re holding out hope of a buyout. 

I’ve just gotten to Edenbrook - only a few months into my dream career with my dream boss - and now, what? It’s all over before it even really began? No. I can’t accept that. 

There was a beat of silence as we both reached for the salad tongs, our hands brushing on accident. Both our eyes shot to bear witness to the contact, pulling us out of whatever ran wild through our thoughts and into this new, secluded moment. Everything around us dulled in the distance; the sounds swirling in the air muted and like a faint breeze. The warm lighting dimmed further, yet there was a spotlight on the salad bowl. The greens and reds and purples of the ruffage illuminated like it was the only thing that mattered. Like right now the earth was spinning just for this moment of closeness. 

Surprisingly, neither of us made a motion to move. His large hand overlapping my dainty fingers, the metal underneath the pads of my fingers warming up instantly. Electricity still coursed through me like the very first time. Except now it carried the memories of all the other times and places he set me aflame. 

I had to be the one to pull back. 

Almost, like it needed time to comprehend why the moment was intentionally ruined, the atmosphere around us began to revert back slightly. I could hear the idle chatter of those around us now. I could see the full picture of Ethan sitting across from me and all the individuals pattering around behind him. What couldn’t pretend to go back and hung off kilter was the beating in my chest - I could feel the electricity coursing through my veins and putting my heart through the ringer. 

Ethan made up for it by serving me. 

Does he know he still has such an effect on me?  

Quick! I needed to divert my thoughts off of the creeping flush and want from taking hold. So I went back to talking about work, our safe topic. 

“If you could work anywhere else in the world where would it be?” I asked.  

Ethan took a moment to think as he served himself some salad. He looked like he was actually thinking of an answer, maybe, for the first time he’s digested the hospital’s fate. 

“I think the next logical step would be the Mayo Clinic. They’re the best diagnostics in the world.” His eyes diverted back down to his plate and, after a beat, he added, “I also wouldn’t mind spending more time on missions with The WHO.”

My eyes searched his as they looked anywhere but where I was seated across from him, trying to find any sort of fault in his features. Something, anything, that I could hold onto. Nothing. Just stupid sincerity. The first fucking time in weeks he actually lets us talk about his time in the Amazon I can’t be mad at him.  

“You really enjoyed your time there, huh?” 

“It…” he hesitated, choosing his words carefully. 

We’ve wandered into emotional territory and we both needed to tread carefully. I need to remember that he was never mine, as much as I felt like his from our first kiss. Need to recall that back then everything was drawn out in plain sight. Our end was always just that - an end. I Need to forgive. And try to remember that at one point he did try to fight for me, in his round-a-bout noncommittal way, and I was the one to end things officially. 

We both need to forgive. Especially if these are the last few months we have working together. 

“Was important work and I got to make a difference in the lives of thousands of indigenous people.” Ethan took another small pause for breath. When he continued, his deep baritone voice was lower, “Even if my intentions for going were skewed, it was an opportunity of a lifetime.” 

The simplest thing to do would be to nod, or eat - distract myself - or even change the subject. To try not to dwell on the implications of the statement. But I couldn’t. My body tensed and the warmth from moments before fled completely. 

We were silent. The brutal truth of why he left stinging just as much as it did the day I found out. 

Minutes, many many minutes passed with me finding solace in sweet savory carbs and Ethan pushing things around on his plate. 

Eager to change the subject there was one other topic of the day I was endlessly curious to know more about; 

“So, what’s the deal with Dr. Schwab?” 

“Don’t.” He dismissed, his authoritative voice seeping through just a tad. Though I’d like to think he’s smart enough not to use it with me outside of Edenbrook.  

“If you don’t tell me I’ll be forced to fabricate my own. I’m feeling a one-night stand gone wrong.” 

He looked back down at his food. 

“Oh my god, I’m right.” The smile that erupted literally took over my entire face. I could not hide it even if I tried.  

“Rebecca,” he tried to scold. 

“Now you have to tell me.” 

Just like earlier he turned the conversation back on me; “What’s with the frat boy?” 

“Ryan was never in a fraternity,” I responded, not hiding the grin that formed by putting Ethan in his place. “He’s a jock though.” 

He expelled a dry laugh, “I don’t think that’s any better.” He took a bite of his salad. Something radiated off of Ethan I couldn’t quite place. 

“We were close in high school,” I added for reasons I’m not quite sure why. Like that explained who Ryan was and why he came back into my life now, of all times.  

Ethan made a condescending, “mhm”. 

I rolled my eyes; “We had a thing for a while, okay.” I conceded. “We grew apart senior year, and then I went off to college. Last night was the first time we’ve spoken in, like, eight years.” 

Ethan made absolutely no reactions to the statement. Not even a stupid wiggle of his dumb perfect eyebrow. 

Is he even paying attention? 

“Now tell me about Schwab - sorry, Hilary,” I coaxed.  

Ethan’s hand flew to the bridge of his nose and up to carefully rub his eyes. 

This has gotta be good. 

I waited patiently and eagerly for this story. She couldn’t have been Ethan’s type and yet… What happened!? 

Eyes still shut tight, he grumbled, “What’s there to tell?” 

“Obviously something happened,” I couldn’t help but mock, “You slept together!” 

“Yes, and it’s something I do not like to dwell on.” 

“Sorry, buddy, but it looks like she does.” 

He groaned. Then shifted in his chair. Ethan took a long drag of his drink. And just when I figured he was going to wait this out until one of us changed the subject, he spoke; 

“A moment of weakness a few years back. And she was…” 

Ah! It’s actually happening! Ethan’s telling a salacious story! 

Shifting in my seat and placing my head in my hands to give him my full attention; My brows and smile grew as I finished the sentence for him, “Eager?” 

He scowled. 

“Jesus Christ, Ethan, just tell me what happened!” 

“I will not go into details.” 

“Fine.” I made a motion with my hand for him to continue without the juicy details. 

“Harper and I had just ended things for good not long before…” 

We ended up going back and forth for a while - Ethan not wanting to give anything up and me pulling as much as I could out of him. Long story short, Ethan was in a weird mental state after breaking up with Harper for the hundredth and final time in their six year relationship. He took up a conference opportunity to get away for two nights. Knowing how much he loves people, Ethan spent most of his time drowning his senses at the hotel bar. And low and behold, enter Hillary. 

From the sounds of it she was agreeable and very very forward. And Ethan was so lost in liquor that her voice didn’t irritate him as much as it did the next morning, and every single time they were in close proximity thereafter. Hillary had been going through a separation with her husband and needed a distraction just as bad. Really, who could blame her? Toting Ethan around would be the best revenge. 

The first night of his stay was fine - apparently the sex was satisfactory and she didn’t do anything remarkably memorable. Or so he says. I still think she looks like a squawker. He didn’t linger around long after before retreating to his hotel room. Then the next afternoon he was bored and weak and agreed to lunch. And lunch turned into drinks which turned into round two. In his room. And she didn’t leave. She wasn’t leaving. So Ethan bought an earlier plane ticket, and shook her awake before checking out. 

And every conference since she seems to want to entertain a rematch. 

“Oh my god, you’re horrible!” I exclaimed ever delightfully. This was hilarious! 

“I shouldn’t really be surprised. You flew to another continent after we slept together.” Shaking my head, a stupid little smirk on my lips I asked, “Have you ever had a one night stand before?” 

“Wha - of course I have!” 

“One’s that didn’t end up with you getting on a plane?” 

He leaned back and folded his arms across his chest. “If you must know, I’ve had my fair share in undergrad.” 

Now it was my turn to send a condescending “mhm” his way. 

We spoke longer and polished off our plates - not a single crumb remained. This was nice. Really nice getting to be close to him again and just being friends. Telling stories and exchanging playful jabs here and there. It’s how I fell for the idiot in the first place. 

Baby steps.     

-

Two hours after we arrived the server came over with the bill. 

She was friendly and lovely the whole meal. The best part about her style of service is that she let us just exist and didn’t check up all that often. When she did I could tell she overheard someone of the crap Ethan and I were spewing. She had one of those knowing smiles, like she was in on our jokes the entire time. 

“Can I just say, you guys are adorable,” she relayed with the brightest of smiles after setting the padfolio on the table, her hands clapping together excitedly. She looked like a child who had just met Santa Claus for the first time. 

L O L she thinks we’re together.  

At that I actually laughed out loud before informing, “We’re colleagues. In town for a conference.” 

The horror on the girl's face said it all. 

“Oh! My mistake, sorry. I can split the bill for you.” She reached for the pad where it sat in front of Ethan. 

He grabbed the black leather at the same time I spoke;  

"Nope, dinner’s on him.” I cupped a hand over my mouth and pointed a not-at-all discreet thumb towards him, “He'll get reimbursed," I laughed more to myself than anything. 

She smiles, a little relieved by my warmth, then turns to look at Ethan - silently asking permission or if it’s okay that he pays. Generally looking for some sort of direction from the old man.    

He shoots the server a look. Then forks over his credit card. 

As she saunters off, I smile at him sweetly, “Thank you.” 

Of course he rolls his eyes. But that rise in the corners of his mouth says so much more. 

________________________________________

A/N: sorry it’s shit. thank you for sticking with this series 💕 we’ve just got one chapter left! 

Masterlist

@choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics

Perma:

@rookiemarsswiftie @lucy-268 @binny1985 @thegreentwin @queencarb @danijimenezv @starrystarrytrouble @terrm9 @interobanginyourmom @adrex04 @maurine07 @mercury84choices @schnitzelbutterfingers @theeccentricbibliophile @wingedhairstylemusicweasel @whimsicallywayward15 @mvalentine @rookie-ramsey @drariellevalentine  @otherworldlypresents​ @therookie​ @withbeautyandrage​ @angela8754​ @fireycookie @stateofgracious​ @missmiimiie​ @uneravine​  @homeformyheart​ @choicesaddict5​ @iemcpbchoices​ @jooous​

[alexbraindump]

Night in the Woods & Optimistic Nihilism, Pt. 1: Constellations

“So I believe in a universe that doesn’t care and people who do.”

Night in the Woods manages to create one of the most realistic narratives I’ve ever seen crafted in a video game. And that’s a bold statement, one that shouldn’t be tossed around lightly. Yet I feel entirely concrete in saying it. It’s quite the diverse game, dealing with a range of topics so wide that it’d be hard to cover all of them in one single post. I hope to cover more of them someday, but today I’ll be narrowing in on one specific point that resonated especially well with me personally: finding purpose in an existence that is inherently devoid of it.

And it’s here that I’m going to say that, to anyone who hasn’t played NITW yet, stop reading this right now and go pick it up. It’s only $20 and with it comes an experience that remains consistently enjoyable and impactful throughout its entire runtime. I won’t be holding back from relevant spoilers for the rest of this post, so now’s your only chance. Go away. But come back once you’ve played the game. That’d be pretty cool I think.

~~~~~~~~~~~MILD SPOILER TERRITORY BELOW~~~~~~~~~~~

Now that the uninitiated are gone, it’s finally time to wrap back around to that quote at the beginning of this post. A universe that doesn’t care, and people who do. It perfectly aligns with the definition of optimistic nihilism, a term seemingly dubbed by a youtube channel in 2017. For those who are unaware, optimistic nihilism is exactly what it says on the tin. It’s the philosophy that the universe is inherently uncaring, that there’s no concrete meaning to life that we can grasp onto, yet we as human beings are uniquely capable of creating our own meaning without requiring some higher power or order to do it for us. We can choose to pursue what we wish for out of our lives, free to choose our own individualized path through the blank slate that is existence and draw whatever patterns we may choose from it.

As you read through that brief summary you may have already begun to understand exactly why I consider Night in the Woods to align particularly well with optimistic nihilism. The game is not exactly lacking in the theme of finding meaning within things that may be meaningless in the most literal sense. It’s been there since the very beginning, with NITW’s first supplemental game Longest Night. It’s a simple little game featuring Mae, Bea, Gregg and Angus identifying various constellations and making characteristically entertaining quips about each of them. Despite the game’s relative simplicity it acts as an early (over 3 years before NITW itself released!) establishment of NITW’s ever-present theme of establishing meaning in things that don’t have meaning by themselves by using one simple thing: constellations.

Constellations are a perfect medium to establish the philosophy of optimistic nihilism and it is evident that Infinite Fall were acutely aware of that from a very early point in the development of NITW. All constellations really are just patterns of stars we may see in the sky at night that people have assigned their own patterns and meanings to. Most stars sit so far away from the Earth that the human brain struggles to even comprehend how far away they truly are beyond a simple “Wow! That’s pretty far!” They’re balls of gas, unable to care about or even recognize whatever we humans see within them. Most of them have existed for longer than we have and will continue to persist long after we die. Yet the human race has taken it upon themselves to assign patterns to them and continue recognizing said patterns long after we’ve obtained knowledge about what the stars that form them truly are. In nature they hold no inherent meaning and have no rhyme nor reason to their locations relative to each other from our perspective, yet we have used our minds to instill meaning into them and draw patterns that can only be drawn from where we stand. The universe did not care about how it put them there nor how any living being may interpret them, but people cared enough to give them meaning.

Years after the release of Longest Night, Night in the Woods proper came out. And in it the usage of stars was far from ditched. Their function as being one of the elements perpetuating NITW’s optimistic nihilism was only expanded. Every two days in the game you are offered the opportunity to choose to hunt for dusk stars with a character named Mr. Chazokov. The interactions with him themselves don’t offer much in the ways of adding upon the pre-established theme of finding meaning within none, though their mere inclusion does help cement the theme as an important part of the game. The true point in which the theme is finally brought front and center is when the player can choose to go ghost hunting with Angus at Possum Jump. After some uneventful ghost hunting, Mae and Angus decide to rest at the top of a hill and do some stargazing. At this point the game essentially retraces (literally and figuratively) all the ground covered in Longest Night. Mae connects constellations together and Angus names them and gives a brief explanation for each of them. It’s a charming little moment that eventually evolves into Angus explaining the abuse he endured throughout his childhood to Mae. But what’s relevant to this specific analysis is Angus’s attitude throughout. He continually stays true to and loops back upon the fact that, while the stars themselves are very real and the stories given to them do very much exist, the stars really don’t mean anything by themselves. It all culminates with Angus explaining his tragic childhood to Mae. But what’s important to the overall narrative of this essay is Angus’s response when Mae asks him if he believes in anything.

It’s at this point that the game gives its most obvious addressal to its philosophy of optimistic nihilism. It’s like the pot finally boils over and it says “alright, time to finally talk about this.” As a response to being prompted about his beliefs, Angus explains his thoughts by using the constellations recently outlined as a convenient example. It’s here that the quote that spurred this whole essay on shows its head. “So I believe in a universe that doesn’t care and people who do,” is the final quote summarizing Angus’s philosophy on meaning in the universe. And if that isn’t the clearest possible representation of optimistic nihilism in NITW then I don’t know what is. It’s a simple little quote, yet it manages to single handedly encapsulate what optimistic nihilism is. Of course, it’s framed as the view of one character in the game, and a character thinking something doesn’t immediately mean that the entire work subscribes to that philosophy, but as you think about NITW and its various elements more and more it becomes increasingly apparent that it is indeed representative of the philosophy of optimistic nihilism.

And with that vague statement I’ll be leaving off the first part of this little mini-project for the time being. I do intend to come back to it at some point in the (hopefully near) future, as I feel that there’s a lot more that could be said about the themes of finding meaning in Night in the Woods. Currently I’m planning on writing about why I enjoy Mae Borowski as a character so much and see her as one of my favorite video game protagonists, so that’ll probably be done before any other parts to this essay come out. Keep an eye out if you enjoy what I’m posting and want to see more, and don’t be afraid to offer any feedback you may have. There’s a contact section on my profile if you’d like the most effective ways to get in touch.

[im-like-if-a-girl]

*THE* mean-girl-dean-girl's Supernatural reboot MEGAPOST!

I'm gonna stick a little "keeping reading" here because hoooooo boy, this is a very long post.

Let's start with

Plot

Season 1

Dean kills John while they are out on a hunt in a crime of passion, but Dean doesn't remember because he blacked out. Cue Dean going to Stanford to get Sam and tell him "Dad's on a hunting trip... and he hasn't been home in a couple days."

The audience doesn't know what happened to John, but slowly figures it out with Dean and Sam as Dean slowly remembers what happened that night.

The entire first season, the boys are following the trail John left and fighting monsters as well. They find out Dean was with John, Sam realizes Dean has an unreliable memory, they have heart to hearts about their childhood and the fire, they find John's body, "how could you kill Dad?" but maybe Dean didn't kill dad, whooaaaaaa, misdirection.

It was actually good ole yeller eyes (Azazel) and he made it look like Dean killed John.

Okay, now let's move on to the first episode

Not sure how the opening would work, I would like the story of the fire to be revealed over the course of the first season, but maybe the opening scene could be a little bit of an establishing character relationships and backstory, idk, I haven't thought that far yet.

I'm thinking maybe it's like, Dean gets back to a motel room covered in blood and he listens to a voicemail on his phone from John saying he was on a hunt or something, I don't really know lol.

HOWEVER

I do know that after the intro rolls, we get a scene of Sam waking up to his alarm and "Nine to Five" by Dolly Parton starts playing.

Y'all know where this is going.

Cue a montage of Sam's normal Stanford college life (him sitting through lectures, walking through the campus with friends) spliced with scenes of Dean absolutely slaughtering a nest of vampires (or some other monsters, whatever works best.)

But

Now onto

Characters!!! (And descriptions)

Dean Winchester

Some lovely person on this site made edits of Dean with platinum blond hair and it made me feel some kind of way so we're doing that, homie's gonna have platinum blond hair

Side note about the hair, later when the brothers are running from the FBI he dyes it a dirty blond/light brown (insert jackles hair color controversy here) as a disguise.

He also gets tattoos because we were robbed.

Speaking of tattoos, concept: when Dean comes back from Hell, all of his tattoos are gone. His body is a clean slate, devoid of tattoos, scars, etc. So he gets his tattoos done all over again, which he doesn't mind because he made some bad, drunk tattoo decisions in his youth.

(And before you ask, yes, he does get one for Cas, either a bee or Cas's name in enochian, something cute.)

Dean goes to therapy after Sam gets sent to the Cage.

It's actually court mandated because he got in trouble, lol, he would never go to therapy on his own.

Along with the hair, Dean gets to be the grade A twunk we all know he is.

Sam Winchester

His hair gets longer in every scene he's in

No jk, but imagine

King of Microaggressions

Sam starts off like the sweetheart he is in season 1 but in later seasons he starts enjoying killing a little too much...

It's that demon blood, ba-by!!!

He brings up issues of morality to Dean, i.e. killing monsters who aren't hurting anyone. (Yes I know this is contradictory to my previous statement, but these two facets of Sam can and will coexist.)

Sam and Jess's relationship is explored further, meaning we'll need to start with a different inciting incident, but that's fine, I think everyone can agree fridgings are *(thumbs down)*

Sam doesn't truly know what happened the night of the fire until later, and then he understands why Dean is so protective of him.

Jess

She gets to live beyond the first episode

She is also trans

No, I don't feel like I have to explain myself and I won't 💜

She urges Sam to join Dean in a search for their brother, kind of gets pulled into the hunter lifestyle by association lol.

She dies on a rusty nail after fighting vampires on a routine hunt with Sam

No jk!!!

But imagine....

She's amazing and I love her and Lucifer also uses her as leverage against Sam and possesses her because I think that'd be cool.

She supports Sam 100% and also she and Dean are buddies, pals if you will.

She meets Cas Thee El and immediately she Knows, that is a homosexual.

She dies still so that we can have a Saileen Endgame but she's not dying the first episode or in a fridging. Not on my watch.

Castiel

He gets to keep his raw, light-fixture-exploding power.

I want more of that "I pulled you out of hell, I can throw you back in" energy except over dumb shit like Dean not cleaning up after himself.

He looks like a Dilf in every scene he's in, yeah, that's right, dilf with a capital D for *(GUNSHOTS)* *(gets sent to horny jail)*

Claire

She gets pink hair

And more time with Cas

And maybe a nose piercing

Feel like she should be able to kill a couple angels onscreen, punch a couple homophobes

She gets to meet Jack and teaches him swears and fun slang words.

She deserves it.

Jack

I says "that's my baby and I'm proud."

Jack starts off as a baby, but like Amara he grows up super quickly.

Like, baby to 11 year old in a couple days or less.

This is because Jack's emotional age on the show is on par with that of a 5th grader.

It's at this point when he's a young kid that he runs away from the Bunker and shenanigans ensue.

It's also at this point that Dean threatens to k*ll him.

(Still not sure if I want that in my Supernatural (threatened infanticide? In my Supernatural? It's more likely than you think) but we'll see. We'll see.)

Throughout a majority of season 13, Jack is like an 11 y.o. kid

Season 14 he's like a 16 y.o. teenager

Season 15 he's 21, you get the picture.

Listen, I love Alex Calvert a lot. He's great.

But Jack is a child and should be a child.

Kelly Kline

Kelly, baby, stay right where you are, you're perfect.

Eileen

SHE DOESN'T DIE

SHE GETS TO BE IN THE FINALE BECAUSE SHE'S AMAZING AND I LOVE HER.

BLURRY WIFE WHO? I ONLY KNOW SAILEEN ENDGAME!

She teaches Claire and Jack swears in sign-language. Castiel is not impressed.

John

J*hn W*nchester stans, DNI.

He's dead.

We only see him in flashbacks and only sometimes hear his voice in voice overs.

He's not "down the road" from Dean in Heaven, in fact he instead gets to wander around in some Purgatory like Hell for the rest of his time :)

People who get to say "fuck" on the show:

Cas (but only Once)

Jody

Bobby

Now onto other things

I want more of

Ghostfacers

(they need more screentime because I love them)

Dean/Benny

We know they had a thing.

They definitely had a thing.

Demon Dean

Again, I feel like more should've been done with this. All that build up for what, 2 episodes? was not utilized well at all.

Dean's Bisexuality

Straight Dean truthers DNI, my Supernatural is a show about love and being true to yourself

You think Supernatural is a show about 2 straight brothers fighting monsters?

Naw bitch, this is a show about the Gay Experience

He will get to have relations with men on this show.

Of course, only after John dies does he, y'know, display it. Maybe he kisses Cas on his dad's grave just to fuck John over, make him roll in grave.

We all agree John would be/is a homophobe piece of shit, right?

Okay, glad we're on the same page.

Dads

3 men and a baby with Jack is what I'm saying.

I love it when the Trio are father-figures to younger troubled characters they see themselves in, even better if it's like reluctant-but-loving father figure, oh, that trope gets me every time :'^)

Dadstiel and DadDean are my favorites, but I like it when Sam plays "Uncle Sam" to kids too lol.

"Fellas, is it gay to want a tight knit family with your husband, his son, his vessel's daughter, your brother, his wife, your cop mother figure and her wife and their adopted daughters? Asking for a friend."

Garth

Biggest flaw of Supernatural was underutilizing Garth.

I will never not be bitter that Garth was only in like, 7 episodes out of the whole 15 season series.

Every episode with Garth gets immediately 5 times better.

I love Garth.

Follow ups on characters who had entire episodes featured around them and then just... vanished???

This is mostly about Jesse, the magic kid whose imagination ruled an entire town like, his daddy was a demon and nothing came of that kid??? Only one episode about him?? No follow up???

KID CAN MANIPULATE REALITY AND WE'RE NOT GONNA GET A FOLLOW UP ON THAT?????

Uh, there was that one episode with Ennis the guy whose girlfriend was killed by a monster? I think?? Who we never see again, that was weird.

Tamara from season 3, episode 1.

And of course-

Cassie

She was so cool, and then we never saw her again :////

She gets to be a badass.

Religious imagery

As a former Catholic school student who has become for the most part, disillusioned with religion, religious imagery in TV shows like Supernatural make my brain go "brrrrrr."

Fun episodes!!!

Like, after season 6 or so, there's a drop in funny episodes

I'm talking Changing Channels, The French Mistake type stuff. (Scoobynatural is an outlier and should not be counted.)

So anyway

In my version we would have more fun episodes

I'm thinking

GENDER-SWAP EPISODE, BABY!!

(why they didn't do that in the original, we'll never know.)

An episode where Dean gets to wear eyeliner

That's it, end of post.

I want less

Racism

Yeah I feel like this is self explanatory, nearly every reoccurring character in SPN is white, and black side characters normally die in the episode they first appear in, or they'll be featured as a villain (Uriel, Raphael, Billie, etc)

Also there's a lot of... uh... asian fetishism featured in the show (what with "Busty Asian Beauties) that's really gross, also Kevin was a bit of a stereotype...

Also also it's super yucky how they kill the gods from other religions like???? Uh??? That's super disrespectful, let's not do that????

I know Supernatural is like, inherently racist because monsters are a separate race that are seen as some dangerous "other" that must be eradicated by hunters in a form of genocide-

Okay we won't get into that but

Still

Stop killing all your POC

Fridgings/Unecessary murders of female characters

I know Supernatural starts with a fridging, so this will be a hard thing to remedy, but

One death that really pissed me off was the death of Charlie

Yeah, that was pointless and we're not doing that. Charlie gets to live and be an awesome aunt to Jack.

And also Claire

Charlie Bradbury Superiority

Charlie and Garth get to meet because they're nerd/geek solidarity.

British Men of Letters

I fucking hate these guys

They're "litcherally" the worst.

The worst part is that the actors they have playing the British AREN'T. EVEN. BRITISH.

And you can tell

Uh, and that's all for now, I'll add more later.

tag list for people who liked my "if this post gets one like I'll post my SPN reboot masterpost" post.

@darianyunidi @sarasidlesaid @crazybananaalpaca @playfulpanthress @ultfreakme @fififeelsmellow @heller-char @luna8eaton @princessmeganfire @insanebot109 @queenofnightsnow @mongoose-underthehouse

Thank you for the support, hope the wait was worth it.

[theres-no-protocol-for-this]

Previous Missions

My memories are fragmented.

My client has explained that this is normal and is not impacting my ability to perform my duties, but my performance reliability rating still drops a few percent points whenever I stumble onto a missing bit.

There is something inherently wrong here, but I don't know what it is. And ART continues to reassure me that everything is going to be fine. A strange sentiment to say to a construct — if everything was, in fact, fine we would be unnecessary.

I would be interested in hearing about one of your previous missions, ART says in the feed.

It's not a direct command or a pointed question, so I doubt my governor will complain if I fail to answer. But something about ART asking specifically prompts me to try. My memories of ART are scattered and devoid of meaning, but I can feel my organic components reacting whenever it speaks with me. It's hard to explain, but when it's around, I feel a little better — even my performance climbs a few points.

I begin a memory repair and diagnostic routine in the background and focus on my client's comment.

Is there something in particular that you would like to know?

Negative. Nothing in particular. I'm just curious.

Very few of my clients have ever expressed any inclination to know about me. I think it would be unusual if they did. I'm an appliance, one that humans find disconcerting for reasons I can understand and empathize with. There is no reason for them to want more information.

Therefore, ART is unusual.

I am a Security Unit, an interactive component of a Security Subsystem. My missions typically involve the protection of human life and corporate property. Approximately 60% of my contracts have involved medium-sized mining installations across the Corporation Rim.

Have you enjoyed those contracts? ART asks.

It's a difficult question and one I must answer, so I try to phrase the complicated thought into words. There have been moments of those contracts that were of interest and importance to me, but I would not call that enjoyment.

My buffer overrides my answer. Yes, Client ART.

Just ART, says my client. It stands for Asshole Research Transport. A friend gave me that name.

From my limited understanding of humans, I am doubtful that any of them would consent to such a name. But in the same instant, I feel a sense of warmth and safety inside that I cannot explain. My performance reliability hovers at around a steady 85%, more than is reasonable given that I have several faulty internal components.

My apologies, ART. I record that this client prefers a singular name with no honorific or title. A few of my previous clients have had similar requests, so this does not deviate far from standard protocol.

The client is silent. Perhaps I have done or said something wrong, but it's hard to be certain. According to my logs, my last mission was successful, and my clients have elected to repair the broken components so that I may continue working with them. This suggests they consider my performance satisfactory.

But fuck if I know.

My governor doesn't appreciate the cursing and zaps me lightly for the transgression. It doesn't — cannot — read minds as one might imagine it. But it is aware of some of my thoughts, specifically those that trigger other internal or external systems. Like the word 'fuck' apparently. I feel like I should know this, but I have nothing about it in my archives.

It's time to go, ART tells me. Please proceed to airlock A-07. Seth will accompany you to the facility.

Yes, ART.

It's going to be all right, it tells me again. It has said this 17 times. I don't understand the importance, but there must be one. Humans are irrational, yes, but there are often patterns in their madness.

I make my way to the airlock as requested. When I pass the crew lounge, Martyn and Iris look in my general direction. They are the family of one of my clients, and I have been asked not to interact with them unless requested.

"Be careful out there, SecUnit," Iris says.

Seth and I will make sure SecUnit returns to us undamaged, ART says in the general feed.

I want to ask if I should prepare for something dangerous, but I have my armor and weapons. I am not sure what other kind of preparation would be reasonable, or permitted.

Seth is waiting at the airlock, and together we exit the Perihelion. Almost immediately, my performance reliability tanks. At 75%, ART connects to my feed and says, It's going to be all right, again. This should have no effect on me, so I'm surprised when my performance rises.

Again.

I have no fucking clue what's going on, and even the governor's unhelpful zap does nothing to clear up this situation.