#i think last time i looked i remember seeing a sold listing for like 150 bucks but i didnt see it this time so either ebay just clears those

[parasitoidism]

how fucking lucky did i get to pick that up for 50 bucks.

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Marvel Super Heroes Secret Wars #1-3

May, 1984

THE WAR BEGINS

Oof, here we go.

Just gotta replicate the pace that let me do the Hawkeye miniseries in one go, three times in a row.

This is probably too much effort considering its Secret Wars (or more accurately Marvel Super Heroes Secret Wars) and maybe there’s not going to be a lot of big changes from this in the Avengers book to really justify it.

But we’re getting Jim Shooter writing the Avengers and his non-consecutive runs were a lot better than I had remembered. And it continues the theme he had from the Avengers book.

It just makes sense in a nonsense way to cover this story.

Last relevant time in Avengers! Acting Completely Normal Vision warned the Avengers about some weird, possibly hostile energy surges right in time for an energy surge to surge energetically in Central Park.

When the Avengers went to investigate, they found a weird structure that looked like a techy coliseum maybe. When some of the Avengers wandered into it (apparently the most bankable Avengers? Sucks to be Vision and Wanda, shrug) they vanished.

In the next issue, after several days, these heroes returned, speaking of a secret war they fought. Weird stuff like She-Hulk taking the Thing’s place on the Fantastic Four happened. In other books, Spidey got a cool new suit.

Would you know more?

After being raptured in their various books, the missing superheroes all end up on one of those distinctive structures like the one that appeared in Central Park, except IN SPACE.

Its cool that the Avengers will have some company.

We’ve got a terrific 3/4ths of the Fantastic Four, the X-Men (including Lockheed but not including Kitty Pryde for some reason), the Avengers, Iron Man, Spider-Man, the totally Articulate Hulk, and hilariously Magneto is also here.

Maybe Secret Wars is just setting up the most awkward moment in the universe, as a prank show.

I think I’d enjoy a big event that turned out to be a prank show at the last minute. The fan discontent. Imagine.

Everyone introduces themselves to each other but mostly the audience and Ben Grimm claims his new codename as the Easter Bunny.

Checking, marvel wiki doesn’t have Easter Bunny listed as one of Ben’s known aliases. Cowards.

Looking up into space, Captain America spots another one of the totally cool constructs and Professor X scans that it contains EEEEEEEVIL.

Specifically Amora the Enchantress, Ultron, the Wrecking Crew, the Absorbing Man, the Lizard, VICTOR VON DOOOOOM, Kang the Conqueror, Doctor Octopus, and Molecule Man. Also, hilariously, Galactus is there.

I’m more convinced than ever that this is a prank show.

You know what would be more hilarious? If Punisher ended up on this construct.

The distribution of villains is kind of odd though. Galactus and Doctor Doom map to the FF. Doctor Octopus and the Lizard to Spider-Man. Ultron, Molecule Man, and Kang are Avengers foes. The Absorbing Man and the Wrecking Crew can go a couple ways but started off as Thor villains. And Amora is usually a Thor villain but supposedly has chilled out around this time or at least is less of a pain than her horny sister.

No X-Men villains. Because Magneto is chilling with them in the generally heroic pod.

Also, all the heroes were raptured from Earth while the villains were grabbed from Earth, from space, from Asgard, resurrected just to be here, or from the FUTURE.

I know marketing is wagging the dog but be consistent, secret organizer who we don’t know yet.

The Thing points out that Magnet is off-sides, re: being in the hero construct, and Magneto is like ‘hey, chill out dudes’ and denies specifically doing murders.

Magneto: “I know not what power transported me here from my secret lair, nor why I was placed among you -- but I find it more appropriate to ask why such as you were judged fit to be placed in my presence!”

Oof.

Burn.

Then the conversation is put on halt on account of the wildest shit any of them have ever seen.

An entire galaxy vanishes but probably not due to a wave of anti-matter.

Thor: “It’s gone! Gone -- ! Swept away like dust before some unseen, giant hand!”

And then around that last star left unswept, various chunks merge together to form some sort of world, perhaps for battle.

A nice touch for later is that you can definitely see that one of the chunks is a stray chunk of city.

Some of the villains start squabbling because close quarters, ego, etc.

But Ultron goes hey we’re allowed to fight? I’m the best at that.

Ultron: “I am Ultron! I do not understand the events transpiring! I do not understand how I came to be resurrected... nor how I came to be here! Nothing computes... Insignificant! I am Ultron! My purpose is to slay that which lives. You are all living things, ergo -- Ultron must destroy you!”

With the benefit of having read all the Avengers up to now, I feel that Ultron got up on the wrong side of the resurrection a little.

He’s not not like this but he’s not usually this turned on?

(Then again, maybe he just came back cranky)

DOOM grabs and shakes Molecule Man to do something about this because given enough time even the mighty DOOM might fall before Ultron.

Ultron is famously annoying to defeat, what with that adamantium.

But Molecule Man is in therapy after the Avengers kicked his shit and Tigra yelled at him for being a punk. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone.

So Doom with all his brilliant genius tells MM a cool way to help out that won’t hurt anyone. Directly.

Using his Molecule Man power over molecules to lightly toss Ultron into Galactus.

So that Galactus goes ‘who the fuck scuffed my boots’ and rips out all the energy in Ultron’s Ultron.

He can do that.

Why wouldn’t he? If he can do that to a planet, he can do it to a pissbaby robot. Even one apparently containing more power than an atom bomb.

Then, because this is one of those plots where things are always thenning, a rift opens in the nothingness of space and a heavenly esque light shines out. A warbly voice commands the action figures beat each other up.

I mean. Its more like

The Beyonder: “I am from beyond! Slay your enemies and all you desire shall be yours! Nothing you dream of is impossible for me to accomplish!”

But you have to admire that this toy commercial of a comic book is being honest and upfront about being a story where action figures bonk off of each other.

Galactus just hears ‘i can finally shake off these persistent forever munchies’ and flies off to demand prepayment for action figure bonking, with DOOM following behind him.

The Beyonder speaks up warning Galactus that hey, personal space. And that a guy that can effortlessly wipe out a galaxy is gonna have a sweet barrier but Galactus wants the hunger pangs gone and does not listen.

DOOM recognizes a bad idea when he sees one once in a while and hangs back but still gets blown out of space by the force of Galactus bonking off the Beyonder’s barriers.

Captain America: “They were swatted back like flies!”

Professor X: “To the Beyonder, even Galactus is less than a fly, Captain!”

Interruption dealt with, the Beyonder gets the show on the road and sends the two constructs to different parts of the patchwork planet.

The Marvel Super Heroes And Magneto land on some hill and quickly make sure that there are no villains excepting Magneto around.

With Magneto around, the non-X-Men raise an objection to Magneto being around.

He sank a Russian submarine with all hands back in X-Men #150 but he insists that it was self-defense and also they started it.

The X-Men’s position is ‘hey he’s a jerk but he’s our jerk plus we could use his help? The bad guys get GALACTUS, how is that fair?’

Well, they don’t say it but they’re probably thinking it.

And Hawkeye decides to be a little racist today.

Hawkeye: “You mutants stick together, huh? Well, sticking to a blood-soaked maniac like him doesn’t speak well of you, pal!”

Dude, Clint. Your dear old friend is Wanda.

Wait, why ISN’T Wanda here? Did the toy people really not want her? Fools. Her husband is toyetic as all get out.

Also, point of order, Wolverine? If anyone qualifies as ‘hey he’s a jerk but he’s our jerk!’ here its you.

Johnny “good life choices” Storm decides he’ll just kick Magneto’s ass and end the debate but yeah. Yeah, no. Magneto makes a fool of him.

And then Magneto decides eff this noise and flies off.

With Magneto alienated (good job, guys), Professor X decides this group needs some dang leadership and throws a nomination to Reed Richards. Reed defers since he’s thinking of Sue, left at home and not able to participate in the event.

Wasp, the cool leader of the Avengers, nominates instead Captain America.

Wasp: “We’re off in a strange land, up to our ears in a little secret war that may decide the fate of the universe! Some people don’t know me well! They might have doubts... and there’s no room for that!”

I’m baffled that there’s people here who don’t know Wasp who has been heroing since the 60s but sure. Cap(tain America) probably gets more crossovers and whatever.

I mean, heck, we’re talking a group of heroes consisting of the Avengers (who she already leads), the Fantastic Three (who she’s well acquainted with), and the X-Men (who I’m sure she’s met, although awkwardly its going to later be revealed that Wasp is in the Hellfire Club, but only the sex parts).

And I guess Wolverine’s extensive backstory with Cap doesn’t exist yet because Wolverine isn’t keen on him being the leader, describing him as the least of the assembled heroes. When Hawkeye is right there!

I kid because I love.

Meanwhile, DOOM wakes up adjacent to Galactus ankle and heads to a nearby fortress which he correctly assumes is where the villains have ended up.

Wait, the heroes get beamed down to a random hill while the villains get sent to an advanced fortress with weaponry and we later learn vehicles sold separately?

Kinda stacking the deck, the Beyonder.

You gave the villains GALACTUS and A FORTRESS PLAYSET right out of the gate.

The other villains tell Doom that they’ve (mostly) decided that he should be their leader. But Doom has bigger fish to fry than the prizes that the Beyonder is offering.

In typical Doomesque fashion, he wants the whole kettle. But the other villains what with their petty concerns think he’s too afraid to fight.

So he ditches.

He goes to steal-borrow a spaceship and even though he hates the thought, takes off to go talk to Richards. And then Kang shoots him out of the sky with a GIANT GUN THAT THE VILLAIN FORTRESS ALSO HAS? to stop him from allying with the heroes.

Said (marvel super) heroes see the distant explosion and fly as a group in the most hilarious way possible to check it out.

God, I have always loved this image. Its squished down into the bottom third of the page but its a delight.

They find Doom sprawled in the crash site, rambling that he’ll only speak to RICHARRRRRDS and about the Beyonder’s power. But Cap offends Doom mightily but offering him a hand up and because Doom sees pity in Cap and RICHARRRRRRDS eyes.

So he blasts the heroes and fucks off.

How very Bakugou of him.

And right as the heroes recover from that, a bunch of villains arrive to get this secret war started.

I have a fondness for this particular issue. For a long while, issue 1 was the only issue of Secret Wars I could find. So I just had the start of this story with all these non-Spider-Man non-X-Men heroes I barely knew cliffhangering into an attack by villains I really didn’t recognize except for Doc Ock and the Lizard.

It was a window into another side of the Marvel Universe. And for child me, this first issue worked perfectly to intrigue me. All these characters, the very straightforward conflict, all the complications that immediately pop up like Magneto, Galactus, and Doom. Alas, small child resources.

June, 1984

PRISONERS of War!

The heroes react slowly to the sudden villain attack but thankfully, the villains aren’t working together well. Unthankfully, half of the heroes were already knocked out by the first attack.

Meanwhile, over at Doctor Doom’s side of the plot, he flies back over to where Galactus just in time to see him finally rouse from being slapped down by the Beyonder.

Galactus floats to his feet and wanders off.

Doom: “He ignored me! As though I were a gnat buzzing at his feet! And so I am... Just as all of us, even Galactus himself, are but insects to the all-powerful Beyonder! Thus, the others have chosen to play the Beyonder’s simple game -- thereby, in effect, paying homage to him. Should I, too, pay homage? Should I worship at the feet of this god-like being -- or chose another path... one only Doom would dare!”

I think anyone that knows Doom knows which option he’s gonna choose.

He heads back to the villain fortress and finds Ultron’s deactivated body and decides Doom can use this.

Meanwhile, back at the first secret battle of the secret war, the heroes rally and start fighting back under Cap(tain America)’s leadership.

She-Hulk even gets a designated girl fight with the only female villain on the villain team.

I’d complain, I would. But at least She-Hulk isn’t the only heroine on the hero side.

She-Hulk: “Hiya! I’m the She-Hulk! You must be the Enchantress! Gee, I’ve heard so much about you -- ! You’re a not-nice lady!”

Enchantress: “A green woman? Is there no end to the varieties of mortals?”

The Enchantress magic slaps She-Hulk away and comments that she could crush She-Hulk physically but its beneath her.

Yeah, all Asgardians have some level of super strength, that’s right. Even the squishy wizards.

But all She-Hulk heard was, ‘someone I can really punch!’

She-Hulk: “I don’t often duke it out with someone solid enough to really unload on -- and slow enough to let me! Oh, wow! That was, like tubular, you know -- to the max!”

Uh. Jen, are you okay? Did you have a stroke? You don’t usually talk so much in Mario World secret world levels.

I think maybe Jim Shooter didn’t have a good grasp on her. I don’t think he’s ever written for her. And the other heroes mostly don’t vary too much from generic hero speaking patterns. Add some smart for smart characters, add some rude to Wolverine, and so on.

The battle wraps up with Kang, the Enchantress, and the Wrecking Crew captured and the rest of the villains fleeing when the battle didn’t go their way.

Cap sends Storm off to scout for a cool playset that they can use as shelter and she does so, noting that the winds on Battleworld are super easy to control. Like Battleworld was created to create ideal fighting conditions for everyone. Pretty neat, the Beyonder.

Storm finds a particularly rad fortress (”Bigger than fifty-four and a half Pentagons, I’d estimate!” Wow!) and the heroes move in.

I unironically enjoy how toyetic this story is with the fortresses and the vehicles and the weapons. Because I’m almost positive that Mattel barely capitalized on it.

There were only two playsets. Pitiful.

Over in their new headquarters, Reed stashes the captured villains in some form of psychostasis which “works by controlling aggression through brainwave modulation!”

He also sticks Enchantress in a healing pod to address that nasty case of being She-Hulked right in the face. Nothing will salve her ego though.

Captain America: “It’s no wonder that the name Mister Fantastic is renowned for compassion as well as courage! You give added meaning to the word hero, Richards!”

Whenever someone loudly announces that Reed is super compassionate, it makes me feel like they’re overcompensating.

Nobody ever makes note of, say, Captain America’s compassion.

With the prisoners (of war? Is that the whole reason for the title?) accommodated, Cap calls everyone for a meeting in a cool meeting dome he found which has a small waterfall for aesthetic and so everyone has to yell to be heard.

Wolverine yells that they should mop up the rest of the villains and get this over with.

Not mentioning that in order to “win it” they’d have to kill the villains, which none of the heroes have shown any interest in doing so far.

Cap(tain America) replies that A) planet big and they have no idea where the villains got to. And B) the remaining villains slash antagonists are Galactus, Doctor Doom, Molecule Man, Doctor Octopus, the Wrecker, the Absorbing Man, and Magneto. Not really people you mop up.

In a fun logistics bit, Cap sends out a patrol to make sure the area is secure but he also sends out two additional groups to find  if there are any places in this fortress they can sleep and whether there's any... food.

Makes me imagine a Secret Survival War where the sides have to wrestle over limited resources.

Hours later, the villains that escaped the fracas arrive back at their fortress.

I’m sort of confused here.

Maybe it took so long because they had to make sure they weren’t followed. Or maybe because they didn’t have the sweet tripod vehicle anymore. But think about the flow of events of: everyone beamed down to Battleworld > Doom ditches the villains and gets shot down > heroes investigate and Doom ditches > villains show up for cliffhanger fight.

The villain fortress should be pretty close to where that fight took place. And then the heroes find a nearby fortress of their own so their fortress should be pretty close to the villain fortress. Maybe not in the same neighborhood but surely the same zip code.

Anyway, they find that while they were gone, Doom swanned in and renamed the place the Doombase.

If they have problems with it, they can talk to his Ultron.

Which I’m surprised he didn’t rename Doomtron.

Doom also tells them that he’s in charge now.

Absorbing Man: “Aw! Who gives a hoot! I need a meal an’ sleep! You wanna be in charge, Doom? Okay by me!”

If you think about it, this is just some steps added what the villains wanted all along.

They wanted Doom to be their leader but he told them he had bigger fish to fry and fucked off. Now he’s fucked back on and told them all that he’s their leader. They initially object before reconsidering due to Doomtron but, yeah, its all gone full circle.

Doom is a lot more cordial to Molecule Man though.

Doom: “Molecule Man... uh, Mr. Reece, I believe it is? I trust you were not inconvenienced.”

Molecule Man: “Well, being absolute master of molecules I can just assimilate molecules when I want, so I never have to be hungry, and I can just shoo away dirt molecules, so I’m always nice and clean -- but I am tired!”

Doom: “I have prepared a special chamber for you! I hope you like it!”

Molecule Man: “If not, I can always reconstruct the molecules -- !”

Heh.

Nice to see Jim Shooter able to follow up on the trajectory he sent Molecule Man on.

The rest of the villains head off but Doctor Octopus, the only other brain cell in this group, hangs back to talk to DOOM.

He wants to know what he plans to do about Galactus and then shows Doom on the biggest screen TV that Galactus is standing on a mountain glowing with an awesome power.

Doom just retorts that his plans are for his forces to triumph.

Doctor Octopus: Something tells me he’s got ambitions that dwarf merely triumphing in the Beyonder’s little contest! The question is whether he will destroy us in trying to achieve them -- or immediately after fulfilling them?!

Like I said, the only other brain cell in this group.

Meanwhile, while Magneto secretly sneaks into the hero fortress for Reasons, the heroes have a quiet moment that lets this Secret Wars biz really sink in.

Wasp: “I’d be having tea in my studio now, Jenny... And lunch on my patio tomorrow... This... um... situation we’re in... is kind of... much, you know? I feel there’s just a little thin wall inside me holding back a flood of despair!”

Its a nice touch, if intentional, that Wasp only admits this kind of thing now that she’s passed off the leadership responsibilities to Captain America. Its been a recurring character beat that she’s been keeping these sorts of worries to herself as chairwoman.

Over in another part of the fortress, Cyclops complains that he was right in the middle of his dang honeymoon when he was yanked into this event.

Cyclops: “I don’t know about you, Richards, but more than angry or afraid, I feel cheated! I -- I was on the verge of real happiness...”

Oof. This really sets the tone for his marriage with Madelyne Pryor.

Spider-Man and the Human Torch even have a little conversation.

Spider-Man: “You mean it doesn’t shake you, Torch, being here? What if we don’t get home?”

Human Torch: “The Fantastic Four have been off on space missions a couple of times, Spider-Man! We’ll get back! Believe me!”

I like when they’re friends.

So, I’m not sure what Magneto’s plan actually was. He was going to sabotage the fortress’ fusion generator as a distraction but Spider-Man’s Spider-Sense Spider-Alerts him to shenanigans afoot and he runs off to the power plant while Johnny Storm goes to get the other heroes.

Magneto decides to abandon whatever his plan was and captures Wasp as a consolation prize.

Gasp, another prisoner of war!

The Thing tries to give chase but inexplicably turns back to normal, smooth skinned Ben Grimm.

Also, Magneto escapes with the Wasp.

It’s like the aardvark says, you can get what you want and still not be happy.

Captain Marvel is holding the randomly anti-mutant ball for Hawkeye here and comments that none of the X-Men showed up to help stop Magneto.

Cap(tain America) tells her to belay that.

Captain America: “Let’s keep our minds on solving problems, not creating more!”

And they can’t even go after Magneto or rescue the Wasp right now because they have bigger problems: Galactus glowing with an awesome power and a massive storm that’s forming on Battleworld.

July, 1984

TEMPEST WITHOUT, CRISIS WITHIN!

The Beyonder has thrown in a nice stage hazard to keep things fresh in the form of a massive storm raging on Battleworld, with lighting that shatters mountains and winds that could tear someone’s limbs clean off.

Or perhaps its the unintentional result of just slapping a planet together out of random stuff you have lying around. The climate must be shot to shit.

I like it either way. Secret Wars has a lot of very toyetic collisions between groups of characters so its nice when Battleworld itself manages to be an obstacle.

Over in his giant U-shaped fortress, Magneto finally unwraps Wasp from the ball of random metal crap he has her in.

He lets her wander around until she finds him so that he can be all casual and eating a space scone.

Magneto: “Do not bother trying to attack me, my dear! My person is magnetically shielded!”

Wasp: “Well, la-de-da!”

Wasp: -blows up his space scone- “You think I have to strike at you directly to hurt you, monster?”

Hilarious spite, thy name is Janet van Dyne.

She also makes the point that magnetic shielding or no, she could bring this whole room down. Her being able to knock over a small house with her pew pew hasn’t stopped being true.

Magneto hastens to ask her not to do that because neither of them want to be out in the storm outside.

Besides, he just wants to talk! And flirt!

Magneto: “You are obviously a woman of intelligence and understanding as well as great beauty -- and I am not the monster you believe I am -- which is precisely what I wish to discuss!”

Wasp: “Oh? My intelligence, understanding and beauty or your non-monsterhood?”

Magneto: “Why... both!”

Back at the hero base (which is apparently ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF CHICAGO?? I want that playset), the storm has almost completely flooded the area, leaving just the top dome and such poking above the water.

The storm keeps dropping chunks of mountain at the base but Thor is standing on top, protecting it while grinning like a loon.

Captain Marvel even speculates that Thor could calm the storm but is whipping it up into a greater frenzy instead. Those storm gods, amirite?

Hawkeye is also standing by, with his explosive arrow, thinking to himself that if Thor fails, Hawkeye will totally save the day.

I don’t know whether that’s sad or endearing.

Mostly though he’s trying to distract himself from thinking about the new wife he left behind.

Cap, Reed, and Hulk are watching the villain base because apparently they do know where it is. The storm is keeping the villains in too but Cap figures they’ll pull one desperate attack as soon as the storm breaks.

They’ve already lost four of their dudes. Plus, Galactus isn’t a team player.

Spider-Man is just swinging around, enjoying how good for swinging the random technological pipes and tubes and whatsits are when he stumbles upon the X-Men having a secret meeting.

Professor X has decided, possibly on the basis of two (2) rude comments from Hawkeye and Captain Marvel, that the X-Men just don’t belong here and that they’d be better off going and teaming up with Magneto.

This... sure is a take.

Rogue comments that the Avengers don’t trust her because of that time she kicked their asses collectively. Which, hey, very possibly. They haven’t really had a thing to say about you though. They’ve mostly been grouchy about Magneto.

Which is kinda born out by the way he tried to blow up their base and definitely kidnapped the Wasp?? And is even now aggressively eating scones at her?

That’s the Magneto you guys want to go join because he’s more your people than the Fantastic Avengers and friends are?

You know, there’s a pattern I sometimes see with the X-Men where they loudly insist that the other superheroes don’t help them and don’t care about mutant stuff while at the same time doing shit like this.

“Should we get Reed Richards, smartest dick in the world to help with the legacy virus or the techno-organic virus Stryfe shot into Xavier? NAHHHH Beast can handle it.”

“Should we stick with the other superheroes or go hang with Magneto instead in a cool mutants only U-shaped fortress? Well, U is the coolest letter that isn’t X...”

If you squint, you can definitely see Krakoa all the way in the future.

Anyway, Spider-Man overheard all of this and goes ‘I’M TELLING!’

Wolverine tries to tell him that snitches get stitches but the thing is?

Spider-Man is ridiculous. He’s a ridiculously good combination of skills and powers which lets him make chumps out of entire groups at a time.

He’s embarrassed the Fantastic Four, the Avengers, and now he’s about to embarrass the X-Men.

After making them all feel foolish, Spider-Man gets away and goes to tell Reed what that doody-head Xavier said when Xavier uses his psychic powers to just wipe the entire encounter out of Spider-Man’s memory.

Yeah, it’s to cover their imminent blowing off but also? I don’t think he wants anyone else to find out how badly his X-Men just got stomped.

Psychics are too OP, I tell you what.

In fairness IN FAIRNESS, the X-Men kind of have the right to fuck right off if they wish. I don’t even know what it had to be in secret. In fact, doing it in secret is a massive dick move of its own for reasons.

What would the Fantastic Avengers have done if the X-Men had just said ‘hey we’re heading out’? Would they have put them in stasis tube jail? I doubt it.

Professor X made the decision to handle this the stupidest way for whatever reason. That scamp.

Speaking of Magneto, he’s over at the U-Lair turning down a partnership offer from DOOM. So, hey, he has standards.

Wasp has become less ‘i’ll blow up this room and your breakfast’ about him over the course of whatever the hell they discussed in their offscreen chat.

Magneto even starts to make out with her and Wasp is like ehhhhhhhhhh what the fuck why not.

Why is this happening?

I guess he has a...................... magnetic personality?

Eh? Eh??

No, but seriously, I do have a theory that I heard someplace but it’ll have to wait.

What’s weird is that there’s a Marvel What If about some spinoff babies that come about if the heroes and villains got stuck on Battleworld and never managed to leave.

Wasp has a son with Human Torch. Which is pretty weird and comes from nowhere. I guess a lot can happen during a massive time skip. My point being though, its weird that they didn’t have a Wasp/Magneto baby instead given the weird chemistry they have here.

Meanwhile, over at DOOMBASE, DOOM has some women in giant tubes.

That’s So Doom.

Doctor Doom: “All is ready -- ! This alien technology, so rich, so subtle... so easily harnessed to serve my purpose... Energy, tapped from the raging tempest... And two mortal subjects who dare to gamble for power -- knowing that to lose is death, for truly, here I shall test the limits of power a human body can contain! With the throwing of a switch... so -- the die is cast! Hear me -- ! Power must be seized -- ! Crave it! Welcome it! Drink it in, despite the pain... or it will destroy you.”

And thus are Volcana and Titania created!

Talk about lasting effects of Secret Wars! Titania is going to be around forever! Mostly annoying She-Hulk!

Where did Doom find two random women to give superpowers?

Denver, Colorado.

No, seriously.

That city chunk we saw as Battleworld formed? That’s Denver, Colorado, USA, EARTH.

Why isn’t there a miniseries or one-shot about a normal ass civilian from Denver having to deal with OH MY GOD WHERE DID EARTH GO?

I actually read an interesting thing re: this scene. It exists because Mattel asked Marvel to introduce some new female characters so Shooter wrote in these two and a third who I’ll get to when I do.

Mattel then promptly used none of these characters for the associated toyline.

The toyline, in fact, used none female characters at all. It made toys of characters who weren’t in the story but did not have a single female character.

So its very weird that they asked Marvel to introduce some but I’m not going to knock the results.

Doom introduces these two new characters to the other villains.

Hilariously, Absorbing Man guesses that Doctor Doom just made women from scratch. Because doesn’t it sound like something he could do?

Volcana and Molecule Man immediately hit it off, her being attracted to his sensitivity and him being attracted to... positive attention at all, I guess?

He muses that he could easily stop the storm outside, because molecules, but his therapist told him to let nature take its course. “Unless Doom asks me to!”

And Titania and Absorbing Man. They don’t hit it off. She either wants to hit him or hit that and its not clear and it might be both.

(Spoilers: Its both)

Titania: “You! Absorbing Man! You look like the toughest man here! Get up!”

Absorbing Man: “Whatcha got in mind?”

Titania: “I’m going to do anything I want to you! Everything I always wanted to do to everybody who used to be bigger and stronger than me! Maybe I’ll just play with you... or maybe I’ll make you eat dirt... or maybe...”

Absorbing Man: “Woman, if you got somethin’ to prove, prove it tomorrow against the guys we’re fightin’!”

Titania: “You’re backing down?”

Absorbing Man: “Nope! I just ain’t getting up! I got nothin’ to prove... to a dame!”

Would you believe that they become one of the healthiest and most stable romantic relationships in Marvel?

Speaking of weird relationships, back over at hero base, Thor goes and pops the lid on Enchanteress’ healing tube because he’s bored and wants to talk to a peer. A god peer.

Enchantress is at first more characteristically worried about what her face looks like after being She-Hulked.

But she then creates a portal so she and Thor can go have a chat.

Later, it’s morning and Hulk has been too busy stressing over losing his Banner smarts to actually keep watch or wake up Cap for watch like he was supposed to.

So when the villains ram an airship into the hero base, the heroes are not at all prepared.

Titania hurls a giant slab of wall through the room the Terrific Three are sharing, breaking Johnny Torch’s arm and ribs and knocking out the other two. He manages to get himself and co out of danger by melting through the floor.

Meanwhile, She-Hulk is carrying a big heavy as she’s been doing since the previous night and is caught unaware by Volcana who blasts her off her feet and then collapses the room on top of her.

Doctor Octopus knocks out Captain Marvel who is in the hot springs dome but gets chased away by Hawkeye, claiming that long-range firepower is his weakness.

I’m stunned at the implication that Doc Ock is one of Spider-Man’s most dangerous foes but could be scared off by Hawkeye while Spider-Man could pretty easily drop Clint’s ass. There’s some rock-paper-scissors nonsense at play here.

Spider-Man and Iron Man are also taken unawares by Ultron but manage to hide under some rubble.

Hulk leaps into the fray at Molecule Man and Doom but Cap convinces him to fall back to a defensible position.

The villains reconvene with all the captured villains freed except Enchantress (since she fucked off to have a chat with Thor) and the heroes scattered and buried under various rubbles. How the fortunes of Secret War turn.

Sure would have been nice if the X-Men had been around to help or if they mentioned they wouldn’t be. Sure would have been.

Doom: “We have accomplished much here today! And to finish it, we shall level this place so that no stone remains on stone!”

No wonder Mattel didn’t make a playset of this base! Dammit Doom, you’re ruining the merchandising!

Follow @essential-avengers​ for more of Secret Wars! At this same pace! Its sustainable! This is fine! Like and reblog too!

[thecandywrites]

Jewel Of The North Part 2

So in case you missed it Part 1. Again, many thanks to @monstersandmaw​ for sharing the concept of ice orcs with me and letting me run WILD with it. I’m having so much fun with this. 

Ok, so Zara Kingsley, top left, top right- Doug Kizzo and just under him is supposedly “Wolf Eye” which is a brand of whiskey I made up just for this story. Fun fact- there is actually a high end brand of whiskey called “Wolves” and they sell whiskey the way designer limited edition sneaker/tennis shoes are sold ($150 a bottle and you have to “register” to even get on a list before they’ll send you a bottle, *sigh* rich people, but I am not a rich person in real life which would explain why in every fantasy story I write, I can change that about my character) anyway, I didn’t know was even a thing until after I wrote this and as a point of curiosity, I double checked to see if Wolf Eye whiskey was a thing so I didn’t have to worry about copyright (Which is why names are Like That in this story) And that beautiful plate of seafood is what I envisioned a “king’s platter” would look like vs. A fisherman’s stew which is the picture right above the little girl who I’ve chosen to represent Sakura in this story and we have the lovely Taylor in the bottom left. 

Now let’s go shall we? Off to the Arctic Tundra!

Jewel of the North 

Part 2 

You woke up earlier than you thought you would, mostly because you were still in your Great Lakes time zone. So what was 10am to your body, it was 7am there. You crept out of bed and snuck into the bathroom to brush your teeth and your hair and put a bra on under your pajamas and then as quietly as you could, unpacked your gifts for Taylor and her family and arranged everything on the table as you quickly made a pot of coffee and some toast for your pre-breakfast and the smell of coffee was what roused Taylor and Greg at about 8:30.

“Good morning.” You greeted them warmly as they were both still obviously groggy but both happily shuffled over to the coffee pot to drink their coffee.  

“What’s all this?” Greg asked as he looked at his table which was almost overflowing. 

“Presents, Taylor told me to bring seeds.” You answered. 

“Did you...like...clean out a greenhouse?” Greg chuckled as he looked at the sheer amount and variety you brought. 

“Mmm...more like 5 but that’s not important besides I got to a lot of them just as they were closing out for the season so I got a bunch of it for mere pennies on the dollar and it was just a matter of being in the right place at the right time with money in your pocket.” You giggled with a dismissive wave of your hand. “I don’t do anything small or by half.” You shrugged before you handed him a wrapped present. 

“Oof, that’s heavy.” He realized as he took it from you. “You didn’t have to get me anything...oh my gods, you got me Kraken!” He practically squealed when he opened it and pretended to cry as he hugged the gallon jug. 

“My precious.”  He impersonated Gollum as he pet it which cracked you and Taylor up before you handed her- her own gift as she gasped and tried not to squeal too loudly as she unwrapped a bottle of raspberry peach Grand Marnier. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” She practically bounced in her spot, hugging the jug too before she leaned over and hugged you too. 

“Alcohol is so stinking expensive up here it’s ridiculous, thank you so much for bringing this.” Taylor thanked you. 

“Yes, it’s very generous of you, thank you.” Greg mirrored. 

“You’re welcome.” You beamed. 

“You know, we really shouldn’t keep all these seeds for ourselves. We should gift these at the festival. That way all the clans can benefit from this.” Greg realized. 

“I was thinking the exact same thing, I told her that last night when she told me about them.” Taylor nodded in agreement. 

“You got a box we can put it all in for now?” You asked before Taylor grabbed the biggest box she had and the three of you packed the seeds away before you grabbed your other crate that had all the seasonings in it. 

“There’s more?” Greg laughed. 

“Well yeah, Taylor said the local grocery stores are pretty limited on spices so I brought enough of everything that it should last you until we see each other again.” You shrugged. 

“It’s like you brought a spice store with you.” Taylor swooned as she opened some of them and sniffed them before Greg did the same, both of them grinning at the scents in their noses. 

“French toast for breakfast?” You suggested. 

“Hell yeah,” Greg immediately agreed before you and Taylor began to make breakfast before the scents of breakfast woke the kids up. 

“Good morning guys!” You greeted them cheerfully as they stopped and stared at the stranger in the kitchen. 

“This is Zara, she’s a friend of ours so you can call her Auntie Zara and she’s going to be staying with us for about a week.” Taylor introduced you. 

“And I’m really grateful you guys opened your home up so I could stay with you, so I brought you guys presents.” You told them which made all of them gasp in excitement. 

“So, you must be Katie, the sensible older sister.” You asked as you pulled out the presents that had their names on them. 

“Lovely to make your acquaintance Katie,” you greeted her formally as you handed her the wrapped gift. Because tweens always loved it when you treated them like little adults. 

“And you must be Matthew.” You deduced as you handed Taylor’s son his gift before you got on your knees so you could be eye to eye with the toddler. 

“Is your name Jamie?” You asked as Jamie hid his face behind his mother’s leg as Greg and Taylor laughed at his bashfulness. 

“Do you think you could take this gift from me Jamie?” You asked as you held it out to him before he took it and ran away. 

“You got me a race car!” Matthew exclaimed and promptly high fived you as Katie’s jaw dropped at her present. 

“Your mom said it was ok to give you girl pampering stuff, so there’s a few face masks, some nail polish. Fancy hand lotion, a few bath bombs and stuff.” You explained as you pointed everything out before Katie happily enveloped you in a hug. 

“Thank you so much.” Katie thanked you gratefully. 

“You’re welcome sweetie.” You grinned just as Jaimie squealed in delight at his new toy and came running in and nearly knocked you over giving you a hug which got you to cackle laughing so you were left to sit on the kitchen floor while Jamie hugged you before he left to go play with his toy as Matt was already racing his car around the house before the family finally got to sit down to breakfast as the kids got to know you better by asking questions about you and your family and where you lived as you showed them pictures of your own kids and how you were a widow now and what you did for living and your horses and pets and things as Jamie happily ate his breakfast from your lap and stared at you adoringly and practically inhaled half your breakfast which you didn’t mind one bit.  As long as babies ate well, they should thrive and you remembered how your own son Xander was practically a bottomless pit. 

Then the calls started to come in on Greg’s and Taylor’s cell phones, all asking if you were there yet. 

“Yup, Noah flew her in yesterday.” You heard them both say as their phones then started to blow up from texts. 

“Uh, babe…” Taylor looked at her husband in a meaningful look that bordered on concern because word had spread like wildfire as they showed each other their screens, the same people texting both of them, but mostly Taylor because they were hoping she would give better answers than simple yes or no’s that Greg was giving. Except to his brother Doug, who Greg was giving him just about everything that you were sharing with his kids as Doug was already claiming “dibs” to the others. 

“Want to go out to dinner?” Greg offered. 

“Sure.” You nodded. 

“In town there’s really only a few restaurants, Eska’s which is a mom and pop- grandma’s food in a tavern, the bar- Kesuk’s.” Taylor began to list off. 

“Is it the place that has the ‘kitchen sink nachos’?” You asked. 

“Yes.” Taylor beamed. “And it’s not a “dive bar” but it is very much the local watering hole. Now there is a “dive bar” and that is Goose’s. I wouldn’t go to the bathroom there but we will get takeout from there because they make the best double cheeseburger while White’s has the best wings.” Taylor explained. 

“But Swanson’s has the best steaks, but it’s a bit pricey, it’s right next to Gold Horn’s which is the biggest and nicest fishing and hunting retreat around.” Greg explained. 

“And one of the nicest butcher shops because most of the hunters can’t take all that meat home.” Taylor added. 

“Anyway, the locals around here will go to Swanson’s for weddings, anniversaries, birthdays and stuff, pretty special occasions.” Greg continued before they continued to list off all the places around to eat before you decided on Eska’s because it sounded like the ‘safest’ option and spent the afternoon getting ready while you happily walk Katie through your ‘routine’ of getting ready as you, with Taylor and Greg’s permission helped her get dressed up too and put some simple makeup on her as her new ‘auntie’ and by dinner your nerves were already a little frayed because Taylor told you that you were meeting ‘the family’ meaning not only hers but Greg’s too and you had picked up on the hint of Greg talking about his brother and his accomplishments and such and you gave Taylor a meaningful look to which she looked back apologetically. 

If you were honest, you were used to it. If your friend’s mates had failed trying to flirt with you or whatever, often you were ‘introduced’ to so many brothers, friends and especially brother in laws. 

You got to dinner and the ‘family’ was already there, waiting for the table to get ready while ‘Doug’ was running late getting ready and there had to be 20 people there, all of them there to meet which you didn’t mind as you did your best to meet and greet everyone before the table was ready and Taylor had you sit at the end of the table as Greg and Taylor made sure that the seat across from you was Doug’s seat and you asked Katie to sit next to you so you wouldn’t be all alone since there was an empty seat next to Doug’s seat because he liked to “stretch out” as you met Greg’s parents and Taylor’s parents and got got catch up because Glenda, Taylor’s mom had missed your mom and to see pictures of your mom on her horse with your kids made them all happy as they got to know you a little as you kept an eye on the door, waiting for ‘Doug’ before an older woman came in with the cutest little girl you had ever seen in your life then a familiar face came in behind them. 

Noah. 

You instantly blew out a breath of relief at seeing him before a relieved and happy smile plastered itself on your face and you noticed they were walking by you and Noah seemed to see you shortly after you saw him as he soon mirrored your smile as he seemed equally excited to see you. 

“Hey Stranger.” You greeted. 

“Hey, fancy meeting you here, this is my daughter Sakura, this is my mom, Summer.” He introduced. 

“But you can call me Nana Hun.” She warmly smiled at you as you shook her hand. 

“Lovely to meet you Nana, and it’s so lovely to meet you Miss Sakura.” You excitedly greeted them as you crouched down to take a knee so you could be eye level with Sakura, she couldn't be much older than 5 and your heart ached at the thought of her losing her mom so, so young and how hard that must have been for her but you didn't want to bring it up because you didn't want that to be upsetting. 

“You should be really proud of your Daddy, he did such a great job flying me here yesterday.” You praised to Sakura.  

“He’s the best pilot ever!” She agreed which got you and Summer to laugh as Noah chuckled bashfully at the praise. Goodness was she precious. 

“I agree!” You confirmed with a very exaggerated head nod. 

“So you’re Paradise?” She asked in awed wonder as she stared at you. 

“Uh...oh, are you talking about how I look like a paradise orc?” You asked as you ran your hand over your skin of your exposed arm and she nodded before you nodded in confirmation. 

“My Grandma’s tea leaves told her that my daddy would be meeting Paradise yesterday.” She proudly informed you as you could see Noah turn a deep sapphire as his smile turned slightly nervous as he gave his mother the side eye. 

“Your Grandma reads tea leaves? Mine does too! Only the way my Grandma does it, I think she reads them wrong because they tell her things like my son was ‘a ball’, which, to be honest when I was pregnant with him, I looked like I swallowed a ball and when he was six months old he was almost as wide as he was tall and very, very round because he was a fantastic eater and he’s still practically a bottomless pit but he’s turned out pretty normal so far, he doesn’t ‘bounce’ too much.” You shrugged with an easy grin which got Sakura to giggle at the joke which got you to laugh as Noah and Summer chuckled too. 

“But that was really cool that your Grandma’s tea leaves told her that I was coming,” You nodded solemnly. “Did they tell her anything else?” You whispered as you leaned forward as she smiled and giggled and nodded. 

“Can you tell me?” You asked hopefully as she looked up to Nana for permission before Nana nodded her permission as well- completely ignoring Noah who looked particularly terrified at the notion and was shaking his head subtly to his mother and his daughter ‘no’ but it was like they couldn’t see him before she came up and put her hands over your ear. 

“They said that you were the best mom ever.” Sakura whispered and your heart melted and you almost wanted to cry. 

“Well I try, really hard, every day- to be the best one I can be so that’s true.” You confirmed. “And you know what? I tend to adopt every kid that’s around me, so if you see me and if you need or want anything at all, you just let me know ok? And I’m not offering that just to be nice, I mean it. I don’t offer anything unless I’m prepared to be taken up on it. I’m only here for like a week and a half but while I’m here if I’m needed somewhere to either help your dad on the plane or help watch you, I’ll happily do it ok?” You generously offered because you just instantly adored this child and could tell she was just a sweetheart and you just...loved her. The way your love surged for your children when you got to hold them for the first time, that same love was surging for her. Something about her found every heart string you had and pulled on them and made them into a bow and you would happily wrap yourself around her little delicate fingers as you just stayed there smiling at each other before Doug cleared his throat which made you turn your head away to see Greg next to what you assumed was his brother who was dressed really nicely as they both smiled expectantly at you. 

“Hi, be with you in a minute.” You greeted them with a polite smile before you turned back to Sakura. 

“Now, you go enjoy your dinner ok Sakura?” You urged her before she launched herself into your arms before you gladly caught her and hugged her, grateful you had taken a knee so you weren’t knocked backwards. 

“How did you know I loved hugs?” You cooed as you hugged her tight and rubbed her back and just held her until she let go first because you knew that some kids just needed a good long hug and you didn’t care if you were making Greg and Doug and everyone else wait, all that mattered was Sakura and the poor baby just needed a hug. 

When Sakura finally pulled away she was smiling and her eyes were just a little glassy from unshed tears before you reached into your purse and got her a tissue and your business card. 

“This is my cell phone number. You call this, and if I’m working when you call, just leave a message and I’ll call you back as fast as I can and if I’m not working when you call, I’ll pick up ok? I’ll always pick up.” You offered and it only felt odd as an afterthought that you just met this child and you were kicked so hard and so high into mom gear that you would already go to the moon and back and bend over backwards for her but it felt like the right thing to do and the best thing you could do for her. 

“Thank you.” She thanked you graciously. 

“You’re welcome Sweetheart.” You cooed to her as you squeezed her little hands in yours before you reluctantly let them go because Greg cleared his throat again before Noah took the hint and ushered his family to sit in the booth directly behind where you would be sitting. Which was nice that they were so close as you stood to your full height. 

“Thank you so much for your patience. I’m Zara Kingsley, the LMT from the Great Lakes.” You introduced yourself to the man who had a familial resemblance to Greg as you politely shook his hand from across the table. He was handsome, that usual olive green skin, gold amber eyes, jet black hair, he was obviously younger by the way he styled his hair and his hipster- black t-shirt, black blazer, skinny jean look and the way he proudly carried himself, his chest puffed out all proud, like a peacock showing off his plumage. You could tell he knew he was one of the most handsome men in the room and his ego was too big for the place. You knew from Greg that he was practically a decade younger than you too. His ex wife had been one of the prettiest women in the Arctic Tundra but they divorced after five years and two kids because they both were having affairs. 

“Does every kid treat you like a visiting Disney Princess?” He asked pleasantly which got you to chuckle. 

“Yes, very much so, which I don’t mind at all.” You shrugged. 

“Well it’s understandable, with a name like Kingsley, it’s kind of a given you should be treated like royalty everywhere you go.” Doug flattered and you heard Noah cough a ‘damn’ behind you like he had just gotten hit in the gut and even you had to admit that was a pretty smooth line. Although it wasn’t the first time you heard that. 

“Thanks,” you nodded. Oh gods. This was going to be the longest dinner ever. He was just going to spit game at you all night and you just wanted to turn around and invite yourself to dinner with Sakura and her family as you slipped back into your seat because you were not about wait for Doug here to come around the table to pull out your chair because you were pretty sure he’d try to sneak a peek into your cleavage as he would try to too. The game was on and you were in no mood to be chased by Doug. 

Noah though, no he could chase you like the silver fox he was because he was just barely getting a few gray hairs on the sides of his head  and it made him all kinds of distinguished and made you all hot and bothered and you could already fantasize his head between your legs, with your thighs resting on his broad shoulders- your powerful thighs clamping around his ears as his tongue…

Oh, that’s right, Doug was talking to you. Damn it. 

“I’m sorry what was that?” You asked as you tried hard to refocus on Doug and what he was saying, thankfully the restaurant had gotten louder since Doug sat down directly across from you and started talking and it was kind of hard to hear him anyway. 

“I asked how you’re liking the Frozen Tundra.” He repeated. 

“Oh it’s wonderful. It’s gorgeous and the people are lovely, very kind and generous and welcoming.” You grinned politely as the waitress came over. 

“What can I get you to drink?” She asked you. 

“Anything sweet and fruity?” You asked hopefully. 

“Lethal too or just light?” She questioned. 

“Ooh, lethal.” You couldn’t help but giggle because you would need it to persevere Doug’s advances as Doug started to grin a little wolfishly. Ha! Like he had a chance of scoring with you tonight. 

“For sweet and fruity and lethal you have two choices, cloud berry punch or purple peach punch.” 

“Purple peach.” You ordered. 

“Half or full?” She asked. 

“What’s the difference?” You asked curiously. 

“A half is served in a tumbler. A full is served in a mason jar and has an order limit of three.” She answered. 

“Oh yeah, my kind of drink, a full please and thank you.” You ordered gleefully. 

“Do you want your usual Doug?” She asked moving onto him. 

“Actually could I get a glass of Wolf Eye?” He asked and you nearly snorted a laugh and covered it up with a cough. May the gods grant you patience to deal with this pretentious asshole. While Wolf Eye was a decent whiskey, it was only popular because celebrities thought it was awesome and the bottle was *couture*. Just like any other designer name brand. 

“Do you like whisky?” He asked. 

“I do.” You nodded. 

“Could I also get her a glass too?” He asked. 

“Sure.” She nodded before she got everyone else’s drink order. 

“Wolf Eye is one of the better whiskies.” You appraised. 

“Have you ever had it before?” He asked. 

“Yes I have. My sister Blossom is a whiskey geek/ whiskey snob, my sister Blossom’s husband is a whiskey geek/snob too and my own parents and my brother are all beer snobs while my baby sister Anya is a bartender and she gave me a shot of it once. Usually it’s too rich for my blood to order it though.” You confessed. Even though you had three bottles of it at home from your wealthier clients. 

“What about you? Is there any kind of alcohol you’re really into?” He asked.

“It doesn’t really compare to Wolf Eye.” You answered as you realized you probably looked bashful, when really, you were dreading being judged. 

Every guy- without fail who got you a glass of Wolf Eye were trying to show you how fancy and couture they were- thinking that because you were jewel orc- you somehow should have very refined, expensive tastes. When in reality, you didn’t. Honestly once those guys heard what you loved- they thought less of you. Or the guys who found out what you liked and weren’t pretentious assholes somehow felt that because you didn’t have “refined” tastes in wine or other booze, that that spilled over into your taste of men which couldn’t be farther from the truth. You were picky as hell when it came to men. 

Although if you were honest, you loved your clichés- the bubble gum pop music, sweet fruity wine and cocktails and peppermint mochas and sappy romance novels and romantic comedy movies and you would preferably have all of those at the same time while in the comfort of a bathtub with a bath bomb fizzing away. But that was a world away from this. 

“Oh don’t feel bad, you like what you like.” He reassured you but you laughed that laugh that said ‘oh you don’t know what you’re really asking’. 

“No I insist, I promise not to judge you based on your answer.” He vowed and you didn’t believe him one bit. 

“Ok. So, honestly, in my family- food wise, I’m the queen because I love to cook and I cook really well and my brand of hospitality is you are not allowed to leave my house hungry but drink wise, I’m like the black sheep of the family because I love flavored alcohol, the kind of liquor that’s low on the proof and mostly flavoring, so flavored moonshines and flavored rums and vodkas and especially liqueurs and things like that. The cheap ones that you just pour into some juice and it’s instantly a fruity cocktail. That’s my speed. Sweet and fruity.” You shrugged as the waitress came back and gave you your drinks as you graciously took the glass that had whiskey in it and sniffed it and swished it around the way your sisters always did before you took a tentative sip. 

Yup. It was whiskey. Could you tell the difference between a scotch, a whiskey or a bourbon? Nope. Could you tell the difference between a $20 bottle of whiskey or a $70 whiskey, hell to the nope. The only thing you noticed was if it burned or was smooth or not. You knew that all scotches were whiskeys but not all whiskeys were scotches and that was the extent of your knowledge. Honestly if this glass was full of peach whiskey you’d probably like it better. But you knew how to be a gracious recipient of a gift. And you had your manners to keep. 

“Very good.” You praised, pretending you knew what the fuck you were drinking as he took a sip and practically moaned and for some reason, that noise coming from him was making you want to gag and one look at Katie who frowned at him was nearly causing you to burst into laughter. Even she could smell his bullshit, which to you was hilarious and part of the reason you wanted her close. Having someone like a niece or a sister or the best ones - a mother or a grandmother, or someone close to whoever you were paired with tended to keep whoever it was- in line- and would keep them from asking inappropriate questions or delving into inappropriate topics of conversation. It was a strategy you learned to employ often in these circumstances. 

“So Greg told me that you’re divorced.” You put to him. 

“I am divorced and I have two kids, two boys, Doug Jr. who we just call Jr. and Kent, Jr is 5 and Kent is three.” He answered. 

“Aw, they must be adorable, where are they?” You asked. 

“They’re with their mom tonight.” He answered. 

“Oh, well I would have loved to meet them, I love kids, I also have two of my own, Xander and Skylar, but they’re a bit older, Xander is 9 and Skylar is 7.” You answered before you pulled out your phone and showed him as he showed you his kids. 

“And Greg said you have joint custody of your boys?” You asked. 

“Yup, they get to spend the week with their mom and the weekend with me.” He answered. “And their mother is about to remarry so the bitch won’t bleed me dry with alimony and child support for too much longer now.” He groused and you took a measured deep breath in to keep your face neutral as you heard Summer murmur into her drink. ‘Lucky woman’ and somehow you got the distinct impression that his ex-wife was lucky to have divorced him and to have gotten alimony and child support and just seeing Doug and after knowing him for a whole 2 seconds- you could agree with that sentiment. You could just sense that he was a narcissistic asshole. And your late husband had been one of those and there was no way in hell you were ever doing that again. 

“But I understand you don’t have that problem because you’re a widow. Obviously a young one.” He returned as you could tell he was trying to age you. 

“Yup, that’s true, my late husband Andrew was in an accident at work about two years ago, but I’m not that young. I’m 35.” You answered and he paused. Greg had told him early thirties, you were mid thirties. You looked great for mid thirties but that was practically middle aged and you only had what- another 5 years of child bearing age left in you? Not that long. But you were supposed to be a rich widow who worked in some kind of spa and had married into a rich family and drop dead gorgeous, he could work with that. 

“Wow you really good for your thirties. How long have you been dating since then?” He asked. 

“I haven’t really been dating much or for very long, just in the last couple of months actually. I wanted to give myself and the rest of my family time to grieve properly and not rush into anything that not only I wasn’t ready for but that my kids weren’t ready for and it wasn’t until a couple of months ago that they let me know that they were ok with me trying to date again because they are the most important people in my life and I’m really picky about who I let around my kids too. So I can understand why you didn’t want to bring your kids to meet me.” You answered as Greg was kicking himself for not bringing his kids because obviously you connected to kids and if his kids would behave long enough and well enough you could have bonded to his kids and made him a shoe in and this could have been a done deal already. 

“So, Greg told me that you work in the fishing industry.” You prompted him. 

“I do, I’m a sales executive for First Star, which ships all kinds of seafood all over the world.” He answered proudly. “And the pay is really good and there’s always sales incentives and I get bonuses often.” He grinned smugly as he fingered his heavy gold chain necklace around his neck and he put on way too much cologne. It was almost burning your nose and making your eyes water a little.  

“Wow, do you have a business card?” You nodded, pretending to be impressed before he very proudly pulled out his wallet and you could see from his billfold that he must have had at least a thousand dollars on him. He was flexing for your benefit and judging by his gold rings and gold banded tusks and just the general decked out nature of his attire. He was definitely showing off for you as he handed you a brand new business card. It was fancy but...not as fancy or as nice as yours. 

“Very nice. Remind me to call you before I leave so I can buy a case or two of crab and ship it home and have my mom put it in my deep freeze freezer.” You urged him. 

“Oh, you won’t have to buy them, I’ll happily gift you whatever you want.” He generously offered. 

“Aw, that’s very generous of you. Thank you.” You thanked him even though the way he said that you were pretty sure he had another "payment" in mind but this was polite company and Katie was right next to you and you didn't want to expose her to what you assumed was that particular side of her uncle just yet but if he exposed himself that was on him. 

“So being a sales rep does your income base itself on how good the fishermen’s catches are or is it pretty stable, like no matter what they catch, you’re bringing home a salary?” You questioned thoughtfully. 

“Oh it’s a salaried position and it’s all year long, unlike the fisherman who only run on the boats for a fishing season, like the different kinds of crab have their seasons and the different kinds of seafood all have their own seasons.” He answered. “Or even the pilots who only fly during the spring summer and fall, which is only like a three month window up here and have to live off of that all year long.” He answered as he cast a look past you to see Noah who was pretending to enjoy his own beer instead of eavesdropping. 

Oh this son of a bitch had to go for the low blow of putting others down to build himself up. Ok. Honestly you were grateful he was telling on himself like that. 

“So are we ready to order?” The waitress asked as she came over, after having gotten Noah’s order already and you were following along with the menu and you already decided that you wanted the same thing because it sounded amazing. 

“Yes can I have the King’s platter?” Doug ordered. 

“It’s a huge platter, we could share it.” Doug offered to you. 

“Oh, no thanks, can I just get the fisherman’s special with the seafood stew?” You requested sweetly. 

“Sure thing.” She nodded as she wrote that down and continued to get everyone’s meal. 

“So I understand you’re a masseuse?” He asked excitedly once the waitress left. 

“No. I’m a licensed massage therapist, LMT for short.” You gently corrected. 

“What’s the difference?” He frowned. 

“A masseuse uses “massage” as their cover for being a prostitute, which honestly if you’re going to be in the oldest profession, just be honest about it and don’t call it massage. Which, again, if you chose to do that,  I don’t judge, I have strippers as clients because they take self care to a whole new level and everything they get from me is a tax write off for them so it’s a win win. However, a licensed massage therapist actually went to massage school and has a license to practice massage just like a doctor has a license to practice medicine and we are held accountable to a board or in my case- to the state medical board just like any other nurse and doctor and an LMT never gives happy endings or has sex with clients in any way shape or form.” You answered with a proud smile. 

“Oh,” Doug nodded and even you could see he was trying to hide his disappointment. 

“So, are you able to make any kind of real money off of massage or is this just a hobby for you?” He asked and you were ready to dump this overpriced whiskey in his face, but that would be alcohol abuse and an insult to the whiskey itself. 

“Well massage has been a passion of mine since I was a kid, so you could call it a hobby that turned into a career. But I’m more interested in what constitutes as “real money” in your opinion.” You posed curiously. 

“Anything more than forty or fifty thousand a year.” He patronized. 

“I take it you make more than 50 thousand a year then.” You deduced as you overheard Noah whisper to his mother. ‘I barely make ‘real money’ then.’ 

“Oh I make a few times that. I make about two hundred thousand a year.” He bragged. 

“Yeah I can see you’re wearing most of it.” You appraised and Noah snorted his beer and nearly choked on it trying to cover up his laugh because your unimpressed tone was giving him life as you heard a hissed ‘yes’ from Noah. 

“You’re one of the lucky ones then. I make about the same. A little over 200 thousand a year actually.” You answered evenly like it was no big deal. 

“What? H-how?” Doug frowned in shock.

“Well I have four businesses, all four of them are solely in my name and I own all four outright and none of them have any debt while each of them have their own assets, so my massage business which makes me about a hundred- to a hundred and twenty five thousand dollars a year, my esthetician business which makes me another fifty to sixty thousand dollars a year and then the sales of my massage products, essential oils and esthetician products, skin care line, makeup, all that goods stuff to round it out with another thirty five to fifty thousand dollars a year and the fourth business is the shareholder for all three businesses and I only have to work about thirty to thirty five hours a week in total to do it too and I only work about 9 to 10 months a year.” You beamed proudly as Doug’s eyebrows practically went up into his hairline as you heard Noah murmur a ‘damn’ which you imagined was muffled because he must have said it into his fist behind you. 

“W-why?” Doug stuttered as he struggled to wrap his head around all that.  

“Well,  when my husband was alive, he made about a hundred and twenty five thousand dollars a year and when he died, I turned all four of those businesses which at the time were the side businesses I had to earn my own spending money into my full time career to replace his income when he died because you see I specialize in…” You began as you brought out your business card and listed everything off from the back and added to the additional certifications that weren’t on the card.  

“Not bad for a “hobby” huh?” You asked with a smug grin as you heard Noah practically whistle lowly behind you and clap ever so softly and you would have given anything for a mirror to see his face, hoping he was at least impressed. 

“Uh, nope, not bad at all.” Doug had to admit. 

“So if you got remarried and the man you married could provide you with his income that would either equal or surpass your own would you still continue to work or would you scale back? Retire?” Doug asked thoughtfully. 

“It depends.” You answered simply.  

“On?” Doug prodded. 

“It would depend on the circumstances and the person.” You specified. 

“Such as?” 

“Well, I’ve been very lucky in that I have the four thriving businesses and because I have a very good and very expansive client base where I live and I fill a niche that very few others can fill in my area and because I live just 20 to 30 minutes outside of few major cities because I’m centrally located in the country in between all of them and I work out of my own private space at my home and the home I work out of is my dream home, it’s a home that my late husband and myself designed together and it’s awesome and the only way I’m moving is if I find a home that’s even better than the one I have and that criteria is pretty extensive plus I’m very well supported and well known and have a reputation that I regularly bank on every year and speaking of support, I have my parents who live right next door and my in-laws live only 15 minutes away and all of them are very involved in my children’s lives. So honestly, I’m not gonna move unless I find circumstances even better than the ones I already have and the person I would be moving for can give me things that I don’t already have which is basically at this point- unconditional love, respect, recognition, dignity, sympathy, empathy, kindness, understanding and freedom to keep my independence that I already have so that if I so choose I could basically start my businesses over again in a new area.” You specified. 

“So...what is your criteria for a potential mate?” Doug asked, hoping that you would list off things that he could try to shoot for. 

“Well, whoever I choose to marry- he can’t drink to excess, he can’t do drugs, he can’t have a bad temper, he can not yell or scream at me or my children, he can’t be abusive in any way shape or form or I will kick him to the curb faster than lightning strikes but he doesn’t have to make as much as I do or make more than me or whatever. If he had a job that he was passionate about and he loved it as much as breathing which, for me, that’s what my career represents to me, I do what I do because I love it, it’s what I was put on this planet to do and I’m really good at it and to a degree, it’s a skill I can practice anywhere as long as I have a pool of clientele to pull from so there’s some flexibility there.” You mused and you saw Doug nod along with your train of thought so at least it was making sense to him. 

“But for me to give it all up for someone and be absolutely dependent on my partner for everything- probably isn’t going to happen because there is inherently a power dynamic that I’ve been on the losing side of in my past marriage. Because my husband had a great job with fantastic health insurance and other benefits and shouldered all the financial responsibility of the family which had its perks because that freed up my time to pursue what I wanted to and he could afford to send me to school to get all these licenses and certifications. But because he made all the money, he felt he had the right to demand whatever he wanted in return and he had a say so on how I spent the money he gave me to care for- as he put it- “his house” and “his vehicles” and such because he’s the one that paid for it all and he was a controlling narcissist. Now, was he all bad? No, he was a fantastic father and he was decent enough as a husband in that he didn’t beat me, didn’t drink to excess, didn’t smoke, didn’t gamble, didn’t do drugs, didn’t cheat on me and didn’t scream at me or cuss me out in front of the kids but I couldn’t get a credit card in my name without him knowing and he tracked me on my phone everywhere I went and if I wanted anything “extra” I had to “earn it”, like a child earns extra screen time for doing their chores kind of thing. It was all about a power dynamic and if I didn’t support him in everything he said, he got after me for not being “a good submissive wife” or “a team player”. And after 13 years of that, I’m done. I’ve had more than enough of that and I will be damned if I ever let that happen to me again. I’m not interested in that dynamic at all. No matter what side of it I find myself on.” You specified as Doug just stared at you, a bit guiltily as he was rather speechless and blushing profusely like you had just pulled his pants down and exposed him and you didn’t feel any guilt for it either and the look on Katie’s face told you that you hit the nail on the head and were preaching truth and her smile of adoration and awe was priceless.  

“I have clients that easily double, triple, quadruple even- my own salary because they’re doctors or surgeons or executives or whatever. But they’re the kind of men who feel emasculated when a woman they’re with earns anything because their income is what they base their own masculinity on which is a very dangerous and stupid thing to do in my opinion. And while these men may be really good at earning an income, that’s all they’re good at. Otherwise they’re shitty husbands and fathers. They feel that because they earn so much money that they don’t have to help out at all around their own homes. Heaven forbid they change poopy diapers, do any dishes or laundry or especially scrub a toilet and if they do any of those things, by the gods they will piss and moan and gripe and complain forever and feel “owed” that they did more than their “share”, which is bullshit. They would rather hire someone else to do any or all of that because they feel that’s beneath them as manly, masculine men and feel that a wife’s only job is to stay in their home, raise their kids and clean their house and look flawless while doing so and feel that the only support they need to give her is financial. Which, in my opinion is complete and utter fucking bullshit.”  You explained as you watched Doug’s frown get deeper and deeper the more you talked as you heard Noah hum in agreement to that sentiment. 

“So... you’re basically just looking for a Mr. Mom?” Doug asked and you could tell by his tone he was offended and incensed just saying those words. 

“To a degree, yes. But what I’m really looking for- is a partner who will view and treat me as an equal instead of a lesser or a supporting cast member while they’re the star of the show. Right now I do everything all by myself because I have to and I will continue to do so for as long as I need to because my children need me to be their everything. If I’m going to enter into any kind of romantic relationship, I would look for someone who’s willing to put in work. Someone who will happily and willingly pick up slack and support me as much as I support them. Someone who will work to gain not just my respect and admiration but my children’s respect and admiration as well and it doesn’t matter how much I like or even love a guy, if my kids are uncomfortable around him or just plain don’t like him. I’m not going to force the relationship onto them. Now there have been a couple of guys who my children really clicked with but I didn’t because they were either immature or had other issues and I’m pretty sure the only reason why my kids liked them is because these guys never told them ‘no’ and bought them whatever they asked for which is no way to raise children. There’s ways of telling them no and explaining your reasons why you’re telling them no without belittling them, hurting their feelings, implying they’re stupid or annoying for asking.” You explained as you heard Noah murmur an ‘Amen’ from behind you and instantly you saw all the hope and lust in Doug’s eyes die because he realized that this wasn’t going to work out for him just as dinner came. 

Conversation dissolved into idle chit chat while he practically wolfed his food down as quickly as he could and drank his whiskey and excused himself and quickly paid the waitress for his meal and only his meal and begrudgingly- your wolf eye whiskey too, saying he had work to do at home and you were so grateful when he left and so relieved when you peeked over your shoulder to see Noah still there, finishing up his dinner as Katie got up to go to the bathroom, leaving you alone at the end of the table as Sakura and Summer went to the bathroom too. 

“Do you like whiskey?” You asked him hopefully as you leaned backward in your chair towards him. 

“Yeah,” he confirmed. 

“You ok drinking after me?” You put to him. 

“Yup.” He nodded before you took your glass of Wolf Eye and put in on his table. 

“The whiskey’s good, I just can’t enjoy it knowing a pretentious asshole bought it for me, but I don’t think you’ll have that issue enjoying it yourself. Enjoy.” You beamed at him which got him to laugh. 

“Cheers.” He offered before you got your own drink and clinked it with his. 

“Cheers.” You mirrored. Even though dinner didn’t go as planned, you got to share a drink with Noah and that was more than you hoped for before Sakura and Summer came back. 

“Nana, I forgot my bow.” Sakura realized as she reached up to find that the bow she had been wearing in her hair was gone. 

“I can go back to the bathroom and help you look for it.” You happily offered before she took your hand and led you back to the bathroom as you grabbed your purse too. 

“Are you going to date Mr. Kizzo?” She asked you as you went into each stall, looking for her bow. 

“No, absolutely not, he is not the man for me.” You shook your head adamantly. 

“Oh good, his boys are mean.” She pouted. 

“Have they been mean to you?” You asked as your protective urges surged again. 

“They play really rough and they knocked me down and they didn’t even say sorry!” She complained and you gasped in horror. 

“No! How rude! Well if we ever go anywhere together and they’re there, point them out to me and I’ll protect you.” You insisted before you found her bow sitting on top of the toilet paper dispenser in the last stall before you quickly sprayed some sanitizer on it before you had her take a seat in one of the chairs in the bathroom so you could brush her hair and get it looking gorgeous again because you kept a little brush in your purse. 

“My Daddy likes you.” She blurted as you brushed her hair out. 

“Aw, I like your Daddy too, he’s a really good guy, he’s sweet and caring and protective and I can tell he loves you a lot and he works really hard to take care of you.” You praised as you smiled happily at her in the mirror. 

“He cries a lot.” She revealed. 

“Well I cry a lot too,” you nodded. 

“He cries because he misses my mama,” she added.

“Well, I can understand that because your Daddy and I both lost our marriage mates and we miss them sometimes and the happier we were with them and the more we loved them, the more we miss them and the more it hurts to lose them. Do you cry a lot too because you miss your mama?” You asked gently as she nodded. 

“I’m so sorry you lost your mama sweetie, I can’t imagine how much that must hurt.” You sympathized with her before she got out of the chair and reached her arms up before you readily picked her up and held her tight as she started crying before you took the seat in the chair and just held her as she cried on your shoulder and you just held her and rocked her gently and comforted her before Nana came into the bathroom. 

“What happened?” Nana asked. 

“I was brushing her hair and she told me her daddy cries because he misses her mama and I completely sympathize.” You told her as you did your best to keep your composure but you were failing spectacularly because you were an empath, her pain felt like your own as Summer pulled up another chair from the nursing mother’s area as she shot Noah a quick text just as Taylor came in looking for you and seeing how Sakura was crying in your arms, she instantly knew what was going on. 

“Noah and Anarra, or ‘Neena’ as she was better known as- were basically Frozen Tundra’s sweethearts. Neena still is greatly missed, she took care of a lot of the older ones whose kids have moved away or are on the coast making their money on the fishing vessels and when she got sick, everyone rallied around her but...by the time she started showing signs she was sick- it was too late. None of us have been the same since she passed away. Noah puts on a pretty strong face but he’s probably the most fragile.” Nana revealed as you nodded in understanding as Taylor nodded along too. 

Taylor had told you about “Neena” because Taylor and Neena were best friends and you didn’t put it together until just now that Anarra and Neena were one and the same which would explain why you and her had gotten so close so quickly because you had bonded over your losses as Sakura’s cries turned into whimpers and sniffles as you just held her and pet her head and her hair and held her and rocked her as she curled up in your lap and happily soaked up all your affections as you kissed the crown of her head affectionately as she clung to you as Nana and Taylor filled you in on the situation. 

“Neena had brain cancer. One day she was fine, the next, she had such strange symptoms and doctors around here are rare and expensive and by the time we found it, it was too late, there wasn’t anything we could do. She barely had enough time to make some videos for Sakura. She died holding her.” Taylor said as she nodded towards Sakura in your arms as you wrapped your arms tighter around Sakura as your heart effectively broke in your chest. 

“Her last words were how much she loved her and Noah.” Nena added as you passed around your thing of tissues because you were crying your makeup off. 

“My husband’s last words to me were a ‘honey do’ list, which was- ‘do the dishes, do the laundry, clean the bathroom and to brush my damn cats’ who he hated and I’m so grateful they outlived him, I know that sounds awful but they love me more than he ever did and he wasn’t dead a week before I went to the local shelter and adopted a dog for each member of my family and another cat so that there’s three cats and three dogs and we were renting from his parents at the time and before it was only because I bore them their only grandchildren that I got the ‘privilege’ of having the two cats before. And they didn’t dare argue with a new angry widow about ‘protection’ dogs for their only grandkids and didn’t want me moving away into a new place just to get them animals while we waited for our house to be built.” You revealed. 

“Did he at least have life insurance?” Nana asked which made you nod emphatically. 

“Yeah Andy wasn’t an idiot or heartless, he had a life insurance policy through work and a private one as well and because it was an accidental death at work, it paid out even more and his parents had a life insurance policy on him too that they handed over to me because they had the good sense to have life insurance policies on me and him so that if anything ever happened to the both of us, they could raise our kids comfortably and at the time, I was working for another outfit and even I had my own life insurance policy on him so we’re all set, the house is paid off, all debt is paid off, all the vehicles are paid off, I own everything outright. Other than utilities and of course food and insurance, which I can easily take care of myself, we’re ok.” You answered. 

“Did Neena have any kind of life insurance?” You asked and Taylor and Nana both shook their heads no. 

“No, Noah barely had enough money at the time to cover the funeral. When she died in the fall, at least he didn’t have to work and could stay home with Sakura and he already knew how to take care of himself and her because Neena was always caring for others, which he was very proud of her for doing and he supported that. He was always helping her to help others because so many ice orc men have moved away chasing “better lives” anywhere other than here and ice orc women are left to either do the same or stay behind and have to deal with the others who come up here, either looking for gold or fish or lumber or other resources and it used to be every summer solstice that all the tribes would get together and alliances were maintained and marriages made but all the young people are rejecting those practices because they feel they don’t have a place in the modern world. Our ways are dying, our languages are dying and Neena was one of the few women who embraced the old ways and was teaching all the kids the native languages. And when she died, a lot of the same older ones reached out to Noah and helped him with what they could and unfortunately after Neena died, some of the older ones she took care of followed, but they left Sakura everything because Neena was like a daughter to them and because she took care of them, all they could do is leave her what they could leave behind and when Neena died, that left Sakura as heir in her mother’s place, but she’s a child. She’s had so many men come back to claim what they felt was their birthright, which is mostly land at this point but thankfully the courts upheld Sakura’s rights as heir since their parent’s had the good sense to get it writing with the local lawyer who fights for the clan’s rights.” Nana explained. 

“That’s...that’s a coincidence, I know exactly how that feels.” You nodded. 

“How?” Nana asked as she tilted her head. 

“When Andy died, I was really close to several older clients as well, I got to work on them when they were at retirement age and came into my work and when their health declined, I stayed with them because they were close friends and I wanted their last moments to be in peace and as pain free as possible. They didn’t have any family to take care of them either and I endeared myself to them enough so that when I lost Andy, they all individually entailed everything they had to me too because I was their favorite person and they wanted to make sure I wouldn’t financially suffer because of my husband dying. Within six months of losing Andy, I lost almost all of them within a span of only three months. So the nine months that followed Andy’s death were just...the worst. But then to meet with dozens of lawyers and get check after check, after check, and deeds and titles and property and vehicles, I was so...numb. It didn’t mean anything to me, but man did I sure learn a lot very quickly about how to handle my newfound fortune. But the worst of it was the vultures circling because it felt like the minute I inherited all that money and property myself, suddenly every vulture of a guy somehow found me and circled me like wolves. Cause I was this “hot young desperate lonely widow” who didn’t know how to handle that much fortune and here were all these ‘knights in shining armor’ coming to “help me out” and “be there for me”. It was ridiculous, as if I couldn’t see right through them and what made it even worse was the way Andy died at work, it was a freak accident that killed not just him but five others. So the company he worked for sued the company who built the crystal grower because this was a known and very well documented issue. And the company used my picture because I was ‘the prettiest of the widows’ in the news and in the courts and they won and I got the lion’s share of the settlement because I was the one who was the public face of it and because I was the public face of it, I had organization after organization reach out to me to try to help me out too and by that point I had 5 very good lawyers and a private investigator in my pocket who were more than eager to be at my disposal. So I know exactly what it’s like to be an unwitting heiress. It’s really, really hard, thank the gods my in-laws are so great with money because they’ve been helping me structure it and organize it and keep it all and make it work for me.” You revealed lowly. 

“Could you teach Noah and Sakura any of those lessons?” Nana asked hopefully. 

“I would be more than happy to, I feel I need to at this point.” You admitted. 

“Because no one else around here knows what to do or how to help. Even now Noah’s dad Ukluk works as guide at Gold Horn and pilots his own bush plane for the hunters but it doesn’t pay as well as others, Noah’s brother Nago works for the postal service but he and his family are in June Neau. And now even Neena’s parents are no spring chickens. I know they would really appreciate it if they knew you could protect Sakura and Noah with what you know.” Nana insisted. 

“Consider it done,” you agreed. 

“So are you ever gonna get married again?” Sakura finally spoke up. 

“I would like to.” You answered honestly. 

“What are you looking for?” She asked. 

“I just want to be with someone who makes me happy and loves me for me and loves my kids as their own too who won’t hurt us but will protect us.” You answered. 

“What if they already have kids?” She asked. 

“Then I would hope that their kids would like me too, I do love being a mom, it’s the best job on the planet in my opinion and if those kids would let me love them as much as I love my own- even better and if my kids and those kids could get along, oh man, I’d be so so so happy. You see it doesn’t matter he’s rich or poor or whatever, money doesn’t matter to me. Who and what kind of person they are and how they treat others- that’s all that matters to me.” 

“And if they happen to be well endowed enough so that when...” Taylor double clicked her teeth. “Happens, you can’t walk straight after...” She hinted which made Nana raspberry her laugh. 

“That’s a bonus.” You readily agreed which made you start to laugh through your tears which made them do the same. 

“Well Noah’s you know,” Taylor implied as she clicked her teeth and winked which got you and Nana to start busting out laughing. 

“He’s what aunt Tay-tay?” Sakura asked as she turned to look at Taylor.

“Handsome, he’s very handsome.” You quickly supplied which earned you a solemn nod and an appreciate grin from Nana. 

“Ok, no more tears, let’s get cleaned up.” Nana insisted which prompted you to gently get Sakura off your lap so you could rinse the rest of your makeup off in the sink before all four of you left the bathroom to see Noah looking particularly worried. 

“Everything ok Pumpkin?” He asked his daughter. 

“Yup, we were telling Paradise about Mama.” Sakura told him. Every trace of sadness now gone as a happy smile plastered itself on her face. 

“And she brushed my hair and braided my hair and held me and comforted me and everything, can she come over to our house to watch me?” She asked. 

“If she wants to.” Noah answered. 

“I would love to, just give me the address, I’ll be there any day you need me there, free of charge.” You immediately offered. 

“Work an extra long day tomorrow Daddy, I want to watch my movies with her.” Sakura insisted which got Nana to snicker a laugh. 

“Uh,” Noah stuttered. 

“I can do tomorrow.” You immediately agreed. 

“You could have Taylor and her kids come too, because usually Taylor watches her on Tuesdays.” Nana added. 

“We’d love to.” Taylor immediately agreed as well. 

“So it’s a date. What time should I be over?” 

“He leaves early, like six in the morning.” Nana informed you. 

“Won’t be a problem. I’ll be there at like 5:30 then.” You insisted. 

“I won’t be there that early, I’m going to sleep in until a decent hour and come by later but we’ll drive by and show you where Noah lives and you could walk there if you wanted to because he’s like a ten minute walk away, five if you run because normally, she spends the night so that I don’t have to get up that early.” Taylor added. 

“But my body is still on Great Lakes Time Zone so 5:30 am here is only 8:30 am to me which is a normal time for me to wake up. So it’s not a problem at all.” You reassured Nana and Noah. 

“Ok, thank you, very much.” Noah nodded as he avoided Nana’s smug grin that screamed ‘I told you so’. 

“Well good night then, sweet dreams guys, I’ll see you in the morning.” You offered as Taylor tugged on your arm as Katie peeked her head back into the restaurant and gestured for you and her mom to hurry up. 

“What about my bill?” You asked her. 

“He got it.” Taylor answered as he gestured to Noah. 

“Aw, thank you for dinner!” You thanked him as she had to take your hand and pull you out of the restaurant.

“I really love Paradise.” Sakura said dreamily as she watched you go. 

“Well she is lovely.” Noah admitted as he got his box of leftovers and got out of the booth. 

“She likes you back, she told me so.” Sakura informed her Dad as she took his hand in one of hers and continued to hold your business card like a beloved photograph. 

“Oh yeah?” Noah returned, pleasantly surprised to hear that. 

“And she’s an heiress like me and she promised that she would teach me what she knows about it.” Sakura revealed. 

“Really?” Noah turned to look at his mom to either confirm or deny that. 

“Oh yeah, she knows how to deal with not just foxes but wolves and vultures too. The gods sent us the perfect person to help. And I have a feeling she won’t leave until everything is well taken care of and we will be hearing from her and seeing her very often from now on.” Nana predicted. 

“How?” Noah asked. 

“Just wait and see.” Nana simply grinned. 

[thefloatingstone]

overlordraax replied to your post: Not feeling much better after waking up. Somebody...

List your top fave fanfics. List your top fave tropes in fanfic.

Oh noooooo this is a really good one too sdjkjdhfsh

I was actually thinking of doing a fanfic Rec list tbh!! I hope you don’t mind that they’re all Undertale fics! I think I’ve read more fanfiction for this fandom than I’ve read for any other fandom I’ve ever been in. (Including MLP which is a friggen miracle if you stop to think about it)

BUT ANYWAY! Please check out these fics by some incredibly talented individuals (some of these I’ve put in lists before but w/e here it is again!)

(in literally no particular order at all)

Postcards from Waterfall

Rating: Explicit (Fic as a whole is T but occasionally has specific smut scenes which are marked for easy skipping)

Ship?: Sansby

Setting: Classic timeline

Word Count: 353 763

Ongoing

After an unremembered Genocide timeline, Sans is struggling with lingering feelings of dread. On top of this, coming to terms with his own childhood, and dealing with a lifelong recovery from a massive accident in his youth. However, things seem to slowly improve as he unexpectedly grows closer to Grillby, and feelings turn towards the romantic. But there are still things lurking in the Underground that would do them harm.

(the fic mostly focuses on Sans’ childhood trauma dealing with a apathetic Gaster, an mysterious “Accident” he can barely remember in his near-childhood, his developing feeling for Grillby, and their awkward relationship developing and reacting to situations around them. the plot is paced slowly, but I wouldn’t call it a slice-of-life story as there are larger things at play and get slowly revealed as things move forward)

Thunderstruck

Rating: T

Ship?: Reader / Underfell Papyrus

Setting: Classic Timeline with Underfell Sans and Papyrus

Word Count: 263 284

Ongoing

It’s the classic timeline, and monsters have been on the surface for almost 2 years already. In the Skeleton household though, Sans and Papyrus have acquired two tag-alongs in the form of Underfell Sans (Red) and Underfell Papyrus (Edge) who have come from a much more violent and desperate timeline with no way of going back. This wouldn’t be so bad, but a lifetime of being on constant alert and being intimidating and scary to everyone, where it once had Edge be the most respected of monsters as Captain of the Royal Guard, now sees him severely emotionally and socially crippled. Unable to make friends due to his learned behaviour of being scary and permanently angry, unable to find work because most monsters AND humans find him too hard to handle, and struggling to find his place in his own family unit, with his relationship with his own brother awkward after so many years of pretending to be “boss and henchman”, a strained relationship with Sans who does not trust him (for admittedly good reason) and with the only person he seems on good terms with being Papyrus (who also represents everything Edge could have been but have no hope of achieving).

Things change when caught in a pretty bad thunderstorm, Reader (you) finds him hiding in an alley outside your apartment. And lucky for him, you’re crazy enough to let a terrified stranger into your home until the weather improves, and even crazier, as you decide once he starts yelling, that you’d like to stay in contact with him.

The story is a slowburn Reader-insert romance, but it’s almost much more than that. Told from Edge’s perspective, it’s a recovery fic more than anything. Recovering from a lifetime of trauma, violence, learned survival behaviours, mending relationships with family, learning to fit into a world that at first seems completely incompatible with you, and finding a place in life. Lots of self reflection, sometimes self loathing, pining, confusion, frustration, brief arguments over stupid petty things, arguments over really IMPORTANT things, and a lot of tenderness, even if you’re not someone to go for Reader-insert stories, I highly recommend this one if only for the characterisation and emotional and psychological exploration, especially for Edge and his relationship to to his brother and the world at large. It definitely sold me on his character in a way I’ve never really considered.

Panic Room

Rating: M (note cw on fic)

Ship?: Nothing yet but working towards Reader/Papyrus Reader/Sans (no f//ntcest)

Setting: Swapfell

Word Count: 150 548

Ongoing

It’s been years since monsters broke the barrier, stormed into Ebott, and forcefully took over, place Toriel as the monarch and cutting the city off from the outside world. Ebott has become a dystopian dictatorship, where humans are second class citizens who can have incredible luxury depending on how useful and accommodating they are to their new monster rules, or simply be exterminated if stepping out of line. Reader (you) have been imprisoned for almost a year, living in torturous conditions, scarred from beatings and with no hope or future to even think of. But due to your spirit of Perseverance, you continue to live, to not give in to despair. One day, Swapfell Papyrus (Rus) wanders into the prison, looking to “buy” himself a human (for reasons unknown to you) and, for whatever reason, picks you.

He brings you home, has you cleaned up, healed up to the best of his ability, and then has the hurdle of trying to present you to Swapfell Sans; the Lieutenant of the Royal Guard and Alphys’ right hand man. On the verge of throwing you out, Sans allows you to stay and work as the maid in his meticulous home. A hard job, but you accept, unwilling to try your luck on the streets of Ebott. And so your new life begins with the brothers, and the longer you work there, the more you learn. You learn more about the very touchy but at his core good-hearted Rus, you learn more about the terrifying and ruthless Sans, and the sadness and desire to show kindness behind his mask, and you learn more about Ebott. About the constant servailence, the propaganda machine, the injustice, the violence, the broken system ruled by the blind and terrible queen.

You don’t know what sort of life or future is in store for you now, but it’s better than the prison (ANYTHING is better than the prison) and just at the edges of reality, where you can’t even see or notice them yet, a change is coming. Invisible and far in the distance, but slowly approaching.

Dirty Laundry

Rating: T

Ship?: Reader/Papyrus Reader/Sans (poly relationship, no f//ntcest)

Setting: Swapfell

Word Count: 49 369

Ongoing

Reader (you) have recently moved to Ebott for a change in life (it being monster central may or may not have something to do with that). It’s been a few months since monsters were freed, and many are integrating with society slowly but surely. One day, while at the laundromat, you find yourself watched by a scary but ultimately nervous and “I don’t know how to laundry!” Swapfell Papyrus.

In time, a friendship forms. He’s a really sweet guy, anxious but eager to please. It would all be very cute if not for the fact that his asshole brother doesn’t seem very pleased with you (or anybody?) “worming their way” into his baby brother’s life. Nevermind that their therapist said they needed time apart! Nevermind that Papyrus has asked him for some space! He’s going to make sure his little brother is safe! Just as he always had.

Besides... if he doesn’t, what else is there for him to do? Leave Papyrus alone? Leave both of you alone? Accept that Papyrus doesn’t need him any more? May not even want him any more?

...would that make him happier?

Fired Up and Bone Weary (Series)

Rating: G - T

Ship?: Sansby

Setting: Classic Timeline

Word Count: various

Complete

A collection of short stories and oneshots, documenting the everyday life and events in Sans, Grillby and Papyrus’ lives, starting underground and early dating, and working its way to surface life and marriage. Mostly just fluffy, slice of life settings, only now and then undercut by misfortune or drama. Dealing with Grillby’s complicated family, trying to manage Sans’ fluctuating depression, and Papyrus’ role and desire for a family. Most of it is just small, everyday happiness though. And the fear that at any moment all of it could disappear with a reset is (most of the time) not thought about.

(I haven’t finished the series myself just yet. I got stuck on the third last story in the series, the one with the most chapters, due to personal reasons. I do plan to finish it at a later date, but at this point in time it hit a little too close to home. I still recommend all of it whole-heartedly, as I doubt other people will react to it the way I did.)

There are also a few oneshots as well as fics I’ve mentioned before (like SSLL for instance which I STILL love and you guys should STILL read!!) but these are the main ones I’m reading/have read at the moment!

If you guys want I can make a list of oneshots too. Just let me know 8′D I also didn’t include people’s tumblr names just in case they didn’t want it spread around for any particular reason, and I didn’t include more than one fanfic per author, I may add some of their other work in another post at some point. But I wanted to give each author equal exposure in this post.

Anyway! Hopefully you guys consider any (although you really should read ALL) of these fics! And give the authors comments and kudos!

[yasbxxgie]

Song that will live for ever more because of Boney M On the 40th anniversary of the disco stars' record that became a festive classic, lead singer Liz Mitchell recalls struggles that led to the magical success of Mary's Boy Child

By late November 1978 Boney M had established themselves as one of the giants of disco. With their gold lamé suits and leopardskin posing pouches the quartet had scored Top 10 hits with songs such as Daddy Cool, Brown Girl In The Ring and Rasputin - but the best was yet to come. The track they released for that year's Christmas became the UK's fastest-selling single and to this day is the 11th bestselling song of all time with sales of 3 million. It was, of course, Mary's Boy Child.

As the yuletide classic celebrates its 40th anniversary the group's original lead singer reveals how it took punishing vocal sessions in the studio to propel it to global success.

Liz Mitchell, 66, admits she still struggles to believe just how successful the track has become. "Some people play the lottery all their life and never win a penny," she says.

"Others play once and hit the jackpot and that's how it felt with Mary's Boy Child.

"I was in the right place at the right time. It was only decided to record it at the last minute and although singing a track in the studio more than 50 times in one session - including lead, backing vocals, harmonies and all the oohs and aahs - was very hard work, we created something very special which has endured over the past four decades.

"Every year people of all ages come up and tell how much the song reminds them of precious family time together at Christmas. It's truly magical."

Mary's Boy Child was originally recorded by the "King of Calypso" Harry Belafonte in 1956 and first became the UK's festive No 1 in 1957.

The Boney M version - full title Mary's Boy Child/Oh My Lord, after producer Frank Farian added a new section - was recorded seven weeks before Christmas 1978, being rushed out to shops 40 years ago this week before going to top the charts for four weeks, making it the 1978 Christmas No 1 and staying in the top spot for the first weeks of 1979.

Two music videos were produced to promote the single, both featuring the band in white furry coats.

While they looked cosy and warm Liz discovered just how unsuitable they were for winter weather when they received an invitation soon after to perform in Russia.

"Our record company's pressing plant in West Germany couldn't keep up with demand for our records so they asked for help from a pressing plant in East Berlin and then another in Poland - both behind the Iron Curtain.

"Word spread about us in what was then the Soviet Union and we received an invite from President Brezhnev to perform there, which no other Western act had previously done.

"We played ten packed-out shows at the Kremlin in just seven days and only discovered later that everyone in the crowd for the first three nights was a politician.

They had all come from the nine Soviet time zones just to see us.

"We then had to perform in Red Square in front of St Basil's Cathedral in our white, furry Mary's Boy Child video outfits, which looked cosy but were actually paper thin, meaning we had no protection from the minus 30C temperatures.

So the locals washed our hands in vodka, telling us it would keep out the cold, while advising that drinking it would keep us warm on the inside.

"We were introduced to President Brezhnev but to me he was just one of the endless list of dignitaries we had to shake hands with and my great memory of that time is that we had expensive caviar laid out for every meal.

"Moscow then was a very dark place compared with today where the neon lights make it probably the brightest city in the world."

It was a remarkable experience for a young woman who grew up in Harlesden, London, after arriving from Jamaica with her family in 1964.

She vividly remembers her first impression of England: "Everything was grey, foggy and wet."

Three years later she auditioned for a part in the counter-culture musical Hair.

At that first audition Liz - then aged 15 - was considered too young but the casting agent kept her in mind and three years later gave her a part in the German production.

Liz duly moved to Germany to replace her friend and fellow future pop star Donna Summer in the cast.

She went on to join local group the Les Humphries Singers but at the age of 22 decided to play it safe and return to London to attend secretarial college.

"I was worried my chance of show business success had come and gone and that it was time to go back to London and find a proper job," she explains. "But back home I received a call asking me to return to Germany to perform and after a show in Berlin one night I met Frank Farian, who was putting together a new studio group.

Their early recordings were so successful that Boney M went on to challenge Abba for the title of biggest pop group on the planet in the late 1970s.

Apart from Mary's Boy Child, the group had massive international hits such as Daddy Cool, Ma Baker, Sunny, Rasputin, Rivers Of Babylon and Brown Girl In The Ring.

The sound on the records was entirely the work of Liz, second singer Marcia Barrett and producer Frank, and it was a winning formula which helped Boney M sell more than 150 million records worldwide before splitting in 1986.

Although Boney M was a four-piece act, Liz was the only member of the group who can be heard on all the hits.

"Frank is a wonderful producer and he was very special to me," she says.

"He was the one who found the magic and recognised what my voice could do. And I'll always be grateful. Marcia is also a wonderful person and we were the ones in the studio singing multiple lead and backing vocals for hours on end.

"There has not been enough clarity over the years in terms of who did what in Boney M but fortunately Frank Farian has since stated that all members of the group could have been replaced except for me. And I like to think that when it comes to the music Liz Mitchell is the sound of Boney M."

Liz married her manager Thomas in 1979 and the couple, who live in Berkshire, have three children: two sons Aaron and Twan and daughter Adero.

And she still tours as The Legends Of Disco - Liz Mitchell and this Christmas will be performing in South Africa and Canada.

She says: "The fans have always stayed incredibly loyal, encouraging me to continue. I am so grateful to them."

Liz adds: "Wherever we play around the world we are always sold-out with fans of all ages many of whom were not even born when we having hits in the 1970s. And in 2018 it's wonderful to be celebrating the music of 40 years ago.

"I've been truly blessed to have had the voice that God gave me, which has given me such a wonderful life."

[nach0]

So my fic title list got to over 150 titles without me realising

in honour of that.. have all of them

Fic titles

A scar upon their perfect skin (perfect to only them)

Close your frightened eyes (hide behind my love for you)

How dare you love me like you’ve never known fear

Remember the pact of our youth

There may not be meaning (so find one and seize it)

The dark doesn't frighten me (I chose to close my eyes)

But no one gave up a rib for me and mine

My spine may be bent (my binding may be spent)

Stretching the truth out of shape

So much that I want to say (before the moment slips away)

Can you hear the drumming? (There’s a revolution coming)

Promises to keep (miles to go before I sleep)

Everyone’s got a line to walk (we gotta keep from looking down)

Hollow from the inside out

And all the kids cried out (please stop you’re scaring me)

These secrets inside me (my mind’s like a deadly disease)

Colder than this home

Meaner than my demons

Couldn’t stand the person inside me (turned all the mirrors around)

I've grown familiar with villains that live in my head

The devil will want you back

Shut your eyes (so you'll see I'm there)

You don’t make me a good person

Felt real to me (until the morning)

Hide all the chains (so you aren’t afraid)

Kick me out I’m not phased (I’m on another plane)

Can never find a refuge (always had a sweet tooth)

Disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed

The devil that you forgot

When you think of love do you think of pain

Trapped inside a moving coffin

Pay the devil twice as much to keep your soul

Back when you least expect it (hell’s coming with me)

The ghosts that inhabit this place are more alive than you’ll ever be

The secrets we’re hiding (the violence we’re stifling)

Raise your shield and cry for help (but no one is coming)

Walk through fire (straight into hell)

Betrayal breeds revenge

Do you want to be a hero? (Die like one)

Crimson fate

Leaving home (love was never good to me)

The only storm I’ve ever known

Keeps me silent when I try to speak

Blood cold as ice

Heading straight for the castle (they want to make me their queen)

The enemy has made it’s claim (but darkness cannot take my name)

Views of death and bitter cold

You can take all you want (but not who I am)

Left me vacant (and all alone)

What the hell are morals?

Like second nature

Making amends

Karma’s gonna come collect her debt

Count my blessings (look to the rising sun)

I knew you once

Dig your grave and enjoy the view from the bottom

Would anyone listen to this (the ramblings of a lunatic)

Stop me diving deeply into my internal being

Emotional suppression (my coping mechanism)

All my friends are dying (some faster than the others)

Does it suck that I’m not so predictable?

Bury me six feet in snow

Wasting our chances for the last time

Always clearing my throat (like I ever have something to say)

Can’t break the cycle

Falling down like dominos

Don’t you find it strange (only thing we share is one last name)

Coal to diamonds (sold to fools)

Is it my fault we stay divided? (I got too much pride)

Buried with our past

Don’t listen to a word I say (the screams all sound the same)

Familiar as you shook my hand (what was it you meant to do)

I am all the things they might have said to you

Never had the chance to lose you

Let’s take a vote

Do I annoy the worst of you

You never were a friend to lose

Defended you until the curtains fell down

It’s all about fun and games (until I hurt somebody)

Nothing to lose (except your voice)

These monsters I hold (I’m bringing them home)

You’ve seen my demons (but you weren’t really supposed to)

You set yourself on fire just to light up the room

The sky might fall (You might lose it all)

More than kin and less than kind

i hate you for what you did (and i miss you like a little kid)

he’s got my past frozen behind glass

what died didn’t stay dead (you’re alive in my head)

does she know how proud i am she was created? (with the courage to unlearn all of their hatred)

Just let me go (we’ll meet again soon)

I’ll see you when I fall asleep

I think I’m dying (hold up I’m invincible)

See how bright the fire inside of us burns

All good devils masquerade in the light

Nothing feels like home

Comparing our suffering only compounds it

The story in every star

Cannot be undone

A tune never resolved into a melody

Forgetting which side you’re on

Give myself away (Only to get it given back)

Abandon your pride (‘cause you’ve dug your own grave)

Call for my demise

It was always too late

Revenge only delays

Karma’s what you make

Seeing me the way I couldn’t see myself

Pay the price and some more

Think of what you still have left

Death doesn’t discriminate

The future’s blurry (but the past is a trap)

Nothing Beside Remains

Run wild, run free (the sky beneath our feet)

Together we sang (I’m ready now)

Ticks and tocks from broken clocks can’t hurt me anymore

It’ll break your heart (how very much alike we are)

Every witch was someone’s princess (in some other once upon a time)

This road was made for two

There’s blood on your lies

You might be lord of half the world (you’ll not own me as well)

Life’s for the living so live it (or you’re better off dead)

Look out at the morning sun (no escape from the things I’ve done)

I will choose what I believe

Life is a risk (but I will take it)

You may be the bigger person (but I’m louder)

At the mercy of the singing crows

Can’t love something you own

A glimmer of betrayal changes my mind

The smile no one ever saw

mind on the brink of going supernova

The hands around my throat don’t want me to be honest

Won’t admit that I’m hurting (push it on you till you’re burning)

Can’t process my feelings (made them circle the drain)

Forget the cage (we know how to make the key)

These hands could hold the world (but it’ll never be enough)

The sharpest words wanna cut me down (send a flood to drown them out)

You don’t need everyone to love you (just a few good people)

Let this promise in me start

An anthem in my heart

More bitter than sweet

Looking at the world through crimson sunglasses

I name you my enemy

Sharing nothing but stolen genes

Believe me darling (the stars were made for falling)

It feels like flying (but maybe we’re dying)

A line in any final song

Only those that really care will ever really worry

Falling’s half the fun

Do not forget what we cannot forgive

Don’t need anything (apart from distance)

A ticking time bomb (in need of assistance)

Used to being alone (so I guess this is goodbye)

Make your mark (concur what you fear)

We’re not flawless (we’re a work in progress)

You can’t have a nightmare if you never dream

Don’t know if you love me (or want me dead)

Feel free to use any of these for whatever you want

mostly song lyrics but a few good quotes and random stuff in there too

[dontshootmespence]

Fulfilling Wishes

A/N: Day 14 of the 25 Days of BAU Christmas is a Spencer x Reader. In this piece, Spencer and the Reader go out to do “Santa” shopping for their two kids. It’s close to the holidays and they have to search everywhere! After a long day, they come home to see the kids in bed (babysat by reader’s parents) and once they are alone in the living room, they start dancing in front of the tree and it starts to snow.

“What are we going to do?” Spencer asked, turning towards his wife in a wide-eyed panic. “It’s not here. It’s not anywhere!”

At home were 6-year-old Spencer Jr. and 3-year-old Scarlett, currently being babysat by Y/N’s parents. While their little girl had wanted basic simple things like a ride-on toy horse, a Barbie doll playing soccer (she was very specific that Santa should bring the one with the black and white ball), puzzles, books, and a fire truck, their little boy was growing up fast.

The veteran parents had tempered their son’s expectations by saying that Santa had a lot of people to take care of so he probably wouldn’t get every single thing he wanted, but that didn’t make them feel less panicked. There were two things he’d written down on his Christmas list that he wanted more than the others: a hot wheels criss cross toy set, and a trampoline.

“Well, we already have the hot wheels set, so that’s good. Right?” She asked, her hair flipping into her face as she turned to face Spencer.

Spencer dipped his head and got into the car, leaning back with a heaving, disappointed sigh as Y/N got in and buckled her seatbelt. “He’s been talking about a trampoline since last Christmas.”

“I know,” she said dejectedly. “But we also can’t buy those super duper expensive ones and apparently neither can anyone else because the only one we can afford is sold out fucking everywhere!” 

They’d already been to two stores right by their home and were now headed to the third. “Okay,” Spencer breathed, as he pulled out of the parking lot. “What are we willing to spend as a top price for a trampoline?”

“If the kids are going to get use out of it for a few years and it has to grow with them as they age, then I would say between $150 and $175? Does that sound okay? They have the super duper ones for like $200-$300, but we can’t pull that right now unless they are getting nothing else.”

Spencer drove down the road toward the third super store in less than five miles. “I think I’m comfortable with that.” When he pulled into the parking lot, he took a deep breath, praying to anyone that might listen to please let an affordable trampoline come their way. “Now,” he said as he got out of the car, “to find one in our price range.”

Between the next two stores, Spencer and Y/N had found everything else they’d wanted to buy for the kids. Each of them got a healthy supply of books, because in the Reid household that was the one thing they never said no to. On top of their books, they’d found everything on Scarlett’s list and almost everything on Junior’s, except for the fucking trampoline. 

“We’re never going to be able to find this damn thing,” Spencer said as his head fell into Y/N’s shoulder. There were three more stores within a 20 minute ride and the next two had nothing either.

This was their last stop. The trampolines they’d found so far had been either sold out of way too expensive. Y/N grabbed Spencer’s hand and screamed at the sky, making her husband laugh. “Please God let this store have a trampoline for our son! PLEASE!” 

Neither of them bothered to look at anything else in the store. Spencer asked one of the employees where the trampolines were and then bolted with Y/N following closely behind. “Too expensive, too expensive, sold out, too expensive, sold out, wait-” She stopped in place and pointed to Spencer, moving her finger toward the corner of the store. “There.”

In the corner were two trampolines - 10 feet across with a netted enclosure. “It’s $160.”

Spencer put his one hand on the box and then pulled his phone out with the other. “Let me check the reviews on it.” She gave him an impatient look. “What? It needs to be safe enough for Junior or I’d rather him not have one.”

“I know,” she whined. “But we’re so close.”

As he searched the web, Y/N had to fend off two other pairs of parents. “Just waiting for an employee to help. This one is ours.”

“Not yet,” Spencer whispered.

Y/N snapped softly. “Yes it is, until we decide we don’t want it. Just roll with me for fuck’s sake.”

Spencer giggled and put the phone back in his pocket. “It has great reviews and I even found a coupon for $10 off.”

“Sweet! I’ll stay here and fend off everyone,” she said, smiling at her husband. “Go get an employee.” Y/N snorted as Spencer sped off quicker than she’d ever seen him run before. He returned two minutes later and the trampoline was theirs. 

“I’m so glad that’s over.”

“Me too,” he laughed, as they closed the trunk to their SUV. “I’m tired now.”

Running around looking for the perfect gifts all day was exhausting. Plus, it was time to relieve her parents of babysitting duty. 

Spencer and Y/N had been shopping for hours. After grabbing a quick bite to eat, they headed home. Traffic was heavy so they didn’t make it home until about 9 PM. “Hey mom,” Y/N greeted. “Hey dad. How were the kids?”

“Just got Junior into bed,” her father replied. 

“And Scarlett’s already asleep,” her mother laughed. “You find everything?” She added, making sure to whisper just in case either of the kids could hear them. 

“After hours and hours, yes,” Y/N sighed. 

Her mother chuckled and gave Spencer a hug before walking over and embracing her daughter as well. “Now you know how we felt every year. We’ll see you in a couple of days for dinner, right?”

Spencer nodded, saying that he was very excited for his mother in law’s meatballs and brown gravy. 

Once the in laws were gone for the night, Spencer turned towards the tree, lights shining bright and casting mystical orbs across the back walls. Today had been tiring, but it was all worth it. He wanted to postpone the end of the day. “Dance with me?”

“Can you hold me up?” She laughed.

“Always.”

Smiling softly, Y/N walked into Spencer’s arms and they started to sway back and forth in front of the tree, talking idly about needing to wrap presents, and get some cooking done. They were both ecstatic about watching the kids during Christmas this year. At 3 and 6, they were both finally at fun ages for presents and festivities. 

Outside, neighbors’ lights were turning on and casting sparkles in the newly falling snow. “Look, Spence,” Y/N yawned. “It’s snowing out.” 

“I’m so glad that the snow waited until we got home,” he whispered into her hair. “Maybe tomorrow we’ll wake up to a blizzard and we can have fun with the kids. Build some snowmen and have a snowball fight.”

“Only if you don’t get so competitive with them,” Y/N laughed. “Last year, Junior almost got a snowball to the face.”

Spencer grimaced, closing his eyes and laughing into his wife’s hair. “Yea, I didn’t mean that. I’ll try.”

“Let’s go to bed then,” she said, leaning up to give him a kiss. “We have a lot to do before Christmas Day.”

@unstoppableangel8 @coveofmemories @iammostdefinitelyonfire26 @jamiemelyn @sexualemobitch @rmmalta @lukeassmanalvez @reddie-for-mileven @hogwarts-konoha @original-criminal-fanfics @lookwhatyoumademequeue @rt8815 @amarislestrange @sarahkay-19 @bagelsofdoom @xxfeelmylovexx @psychoticantisepticeye @matthwgraygublr @dsgirl4987 @captainreid @teatimewithtiya @queenanneslace4 @the-awesome-one-with-pigtails @tippy06 @ultrarebelheart @static-001 @remember-me-forever-silent-angel

[knockoffcollector]

Eco’s Monster Castle: One Kid's Trash. A Grown-Up Man's Treasure...

If Speclatron’s Dethlor is the holy grail figure of MotU-KOs, then one particular playset is its castle. Eco’s Monster Castle! Probably the ultimate, and most delicate Castle Grayskull knock-off that you will find. Every MotU-KOllector knows what it is, but only a few have ever seen one in the flesh. Fewer have ever touched one, and only the fewest can call an Eco Monster Castle playset their own. From all MotU-KO playsets that verifiably exist, this one is the rarest, and most expensive one. 

Boxed Monster Castle sample, courtesy of fellow KOllector Mario “Spida” Garay.

I can remember the time when I bought my first Monster Castle (MC) as a collector about six years ago, for around 40 Euro. Shipped! I thougt 40 Euro was relatively expensive for what I got. I can also remember how I passed on a boxed sample at the Grayskull Convention in Germany one year later, in 2012. The seller was asking 100 Euro, which I thought was overpriced. I had no clue what was coming next! Three years ago, you could pick up a complete castle for 150 to 250 Euro, loose. Nowadays you need deeper pockets. 400 Euro for a loose, complete one can be considered a “steal”. I’ve seen loose ones selling for 700 and more. Boxed ones almost never show up. But the last one I know of sold for 1.200 USD in the Knock-Off Collectors Trading Outpost group on Facebook. It’s crazy what people are willing to pay for the “German” interpretation of Castle Grayskull. 

Wait, did I just say “German”? Yes! MC was manufactured by Eberlein & Co., abbreviated Eco, in Nuremberg, West-Germany. Not China, or Hong Kong, as you would probably think. The company was founded in 1938, and focused on plastic thermoforming in the 60s. They produced all kinds of plasticly things you need or don’t need in life. Store displays (!), blister packs, roof luggage racks, and also toys. Other famous items among KOllectors are their Moon, and Volcano Plates. Eberlein & Co. still exist, but they seem to have moved out of the toy business years ago. 

MC is often considered the official Sungold Galaxy Warriors playset. Mostly because the castle was advertised along with Galaxy Warriors figures on the original box it came in. I was actually trying to get more background info on this subject from Eco. But for some reason they’re not answering my emails. Probably because they’ve been flooded with inquiries from nerds like me already, ha! (“Ach! Schon wieder einer von diesen Spinnern!” *delete message*.) Anyway, let’s assume the obvious. Very likely Eco showed Sungold figures on their packaging because they needed a safe way to advertise MC as a 5.5" fantasy action figure compatible playset, and as a cheap alternative to the MotU originals. Simple as that! Other than Mattel, Sungold were unlikely to give Eco any trouble regarding copyright. Using MotU knock-off figures on their packaging was a safe alternative to the “real thing”! Maybe Eco even had a deal with Sungold. Maybe it was sort of an “official” third-party playset for the Galaxy Warriors line. We’ll probably never know for sure.

Monster Castle with unassembled hand, from my private KOllection.

Both Monster Castle versions (regular to the left, lite-up version to the right), on display with Eco’s Volcano Plates. From my private collection.

If you look close at the MC box, where the Galaxy Warriors figures are pictured, there’s one particularly striking detail. One figure (Ygg) is holding the hellbard from the Castle Grayskull playset in its hand. How did it get there? Like John Coats has mentioned on his Galaxy Warriors blog, a possible explanation is that Eco (or whoever designed MC, and snapped the promo pic) had purchased a Grayskull for inspirational reasons. Its weapon lot eventually got mixed up with the bunch of Galaxy Warriors. 

I’ve also been wondering where Eco got the inspiration for that distinctive giant monster hand from. Also that nightmarish lovedoll-face keeps fascinating me. The combination is just too brilliant. What instantly came to my mind were classic 60s toys from Japan and Hong Kong, like the Creeping Crawling Hand, Frankenstein’s Hand, or the Coffin Bank. 

“Frankenstein’s Hand” coin bank, made by Normura Toys (Japan) in the 1960s. Pic courtesy of http://vintageToyz.com.

The Coffin Bank, first made by Yonezawa Toys (Japan) in the 1950s. Pic courtesy of http://horrorpedia.com.

And that MC face? Well, a couple of months back I watched some classic Japanese kaiju flicks from my bucket list, and there it was! Daimajin, the Monster of Terror! A  trilogy of Japanese cult movies from the 1960s, about a giant stone samurai monster, “protecting” a small village and its residents against an evil warlord. Daimajin’s face bears alot of resemblance to the MC face indeed. Also the colors are similar. I assume the blinking eye and o-shaped mouth were added for two reasons. 1.) to add the popular image of the hungry ghost, and 2.) to conceal the obvious. It’s quite possible that the designer of Monster Castle was intentionally mimicking Daimajin, but didn’t want it to look exactly the same, to once more avoid copyright issues for Eco. I don’t think that the designer was German by the way. The fabrication of the castle took place in Germany, yes. But the true creator must have been from Asia. Not directly from Japan, but from a neighboring culture area that was more familiar with the concept of Japanese horror toys, and the Daimajin movies. I’d say the design of Monster Castle originated in the same area where those numerous Coffin Bank knock-offs and bootlegs were coming from. Hong Kong, the knock-off Mekka!

A MotU-KO playset, designed by some cheap hired artist in Hong Kong, and eventually produced in Germany, that’s definitely uncommon. But despite the design’s possible origin, MC was distributed within the German market and its neighboring countries only. It was never released overseas. This also explains the playset’s rarity. Besides its limited, local distribution, the castle’s fragility is another explanation. Simply not many units have survived the 80s. Not to speak of boxed ones. To be honest with you guys that have never seen, and don’t own a Monster Castle in the flesh, it’s actually the thinnest piece of plastic junk that you can imagine. Sad but true, the quality of this gem is complete shit! It looks, and feels like a vacuum pulled store display, but certainly not like a real 5.5 playset. But think about it, maybe it was intended as a third-party store display in the beginning, to promote Galaxy Warriors and other 5.5 action figures in toy stores! Probably designed, and sculpted by the same guy(s) in Hong Kong who also had created Sungold’s Galaxy Warriors! Then Eco decided to give it a real packaging, and turn it into a buyable consumer product. 

My first Monster Castle, purchased back in 2011, insta-buy on eBay for 40€ shipped!

Well, a thin piece of vacuumed plastic “Made in West-Germany” seems to be one thing. A playable alternative to Castle Grayskull made in the same country is another. Monster Castle is what it is, because the costs of a real 5.5 playset “Made in Germany” would have been way too high. It seems like in this case the much praised German quality did not prevail!

Both Monster Castle versions on display with Underworld Warriors and Combo figures. Pic from my private collection.

Due to its poor quality, and strange look, I can imagine that back in the 80s Eco’s Monster Castle wasn’t a hit at all. Which might explain why the even rarer lite-up eye version of the castle exists. Eco were simply trying to pimp up a bad selling product with as less effort as possible. There’s also rumors that some castles came with a movable monster hand. A hand that’s not just hanging there, but that could be moved from the back. None of the castles that I’ve owned (it’s  been four so far), and none of the ones that I’ve seen had this gadget, though. Even not the boxed ones. 

As much as I’m digging the design and concept of Eco’s creation, its quality is just disappointing. But only if you see it as what it not really is, a playset. If you look at it as what it really looks and feels like, a rare and fragile store display, it’s actually cool. Extremely cool. This still doesn’t justify the crazy prices it’s going for, but hey - that’s just my opinion, dude. Eco’s Monster Castle looks sick, super weird, and otherworldish. It’s a great addition to every MotU-KOllection, and every MotU-KOllector wants, and should have one. The only problem is that it’s extremely hard to find. I’d say even harder than all Speclatron figures combined. In a situation like this it’s worth every penny that KOllectors are willing to pay for it. Period. 

But still, if Eco would just answer my emails, and see what the market is like today. Oh boy! They wouldn’t believe how one kid’s trash from 30 years ago can turn into a grown-up man’s treasure.

[marketingcomcaio]

Is SEO Dead? (A Data-Driven Answer)

SEO has been changing drastically over the years.

In 2010, Google made 516 algorithm changes. That number increased to 1,653 in 2016 and to 3,234 in 2018. We don’t have data for the last couple of years, but still, you can bet that the number is continually going up.

With over 9 algorithm changes a day, it’s safe to say that it is no longer easy to manipulate or game Google.

So, is SEO dead?

Well, let’s look at the data and from there I’ll show you what you should do.

Is SEO dead?

Do you know how many searches take place on Google each day?

Roughly 5.6 billion searches per day.

That’s roughly 2 trillion searches each year.

Although that’s a lot of searches, there is also a lot of content being created.

There are roughly a billion blogs on the web.

There are so many blogs that you can find an excessive amount of content on most topics out there.

For example, if you look at the long-tail phrase, “what is digital marketing”, there are only 11,300 global searches a month but a whopping 665,000 pieces of content trying to answer that question.

In other words, the supply is much greater than the demand.

You’ll see even more of this for head terms. Just look at the phrase “banana”:

640,300 global searches seem like a high number but there are 880,000,000 million results. Sure, some of those results may not be on the food, banana, but still, that’s a lot of content compared to the search volume.

You can still find search phrases where there is more search volume than content but the trend is continually increasing in which content production is exceeding search demand.

On top of that, Google is turning into an answer engine in which they are answering people’s questions without them having to go to a website.

According to Dejan SEO, they saw CTRs drastically decrease once Google started answering questions. Just look at this weather search query:

Their clicks from weather-related queries went from 46% all the way down to 7%.

This trend has become so common that the percentage of traffic that Google drives to organic listings (SEO results) has been decreasing over time.

So, does this mean SEO is dead?

It’s actually the opposite.

SEO is not dead

With all of the data, how can that be the case?

First off, all marketing channels become statured over time. It’s just a question of when.

You can say the same thing about Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and even email marketing.

Heck, just look at the image below. It was the first banner ad on the Internet.

Can you guess what company created that banner ad? It was ATT.

Of the people who saw it, 44% of them clicked on it. Now banner ads generate an average click-through rate of 0.5%.

That’s an enormous drop.

And, as I mentioned above, it’s with all channels. Just look at Instagram engagement rates:

It doesn’t matter if it is a sponsored post or an organic post, the trend on Instagram is that engagement is going down.

That’s why you are seeing people like Gary Vaynerchuk and Grant Cardone promoting their phone numbers all over Instagram.

That way they can communicate with their fans directly without having to deal with algorithms or platforms decreasing their engagement.

But even with those decreasing numbers, you are seeing sponsored posts on Instagram surging by 150%.

In other words, people are still spending money because they are seeing an ROI or generating enough value in their eyes.

And the same is happening with digital ad spending.

The numbers are on the rise because companies are generating an ROI.

So, how is SEO still not dead?

As I explained above, just because the metrics aren’t going in your favor doesn’t mean that a channel is dead.

Just look at my search traffic on NeilPatel.com.

Not only do I have to deal with Google’s algorithm like you, but my competition includes other marketers who know what I know… yet I am still able to grow my search traffic even with Google’s decreasing CTRs.

When you look at search as a whole (and I am not only talking about on Bing and Google as people also search on other sites and platforms as well) Google still dominates market share with a whopping 94%.

People still use Google and prefer them as their method of search. But what’s changed is how Google is being used.

It used to be where you would use platforms like Instagram for discovery and Google for commerce (purchasing).

The trend has switched over the years in which Instagram is being heavily used for commerce and Google is mainly used as a discovery engine.

Just look at this case study by Olay.

Olay sells products related to skincare. One of their products happens to reduce darkness under your eyes.

So, they used to push heavily on ads that sold their products directly.

But the moment they changed their ads to focus on education by teaching people how to reduce dark circles under their eyes instead of forcing people to buy their products, their ROI went through the roof.

By sending people to educational-based content first (and then selling through the content), they were able to increase click-throughs by 87%, decrease their cost per click by 30%, and increase conversions by 100%.

This is a prime example of how more people are using Google as a discovery engine first instead of a commerce engine.

SEO isn’t dying it is just changing

Now that you know that Google is shifting to a discovery engine (for both paid and organic listings), there are a few other things you need to know if you want to dominate the organic listings.

1: Google wants to rank sites you want to see

Their algorithm core focus isn’t backlinks or keyword density, or a specific SEO metric… the focus is on the user experience.

If a site has millions of backlinks but users hate it, the site won’t rank well in the long run.

Look at this case study of the “best grilled steaks.”

Rand Fishkin had all of his social followers do the following:

Within 70 minutes, the listing jumped to the top spot.

This is what I mean by user signals. You, the end-user, control how Google adjusts rankings.

2. People don’t just use Google. Google gathers data from everywhere.

Google knows you spend hours a day on your mobile device and hours on other sites and applications that aren’t controlled or owned by Google.

So, when they are figuring out what to rank and where to rank it, they aren’t just looking at their own dataset.

They crawl things like social media and use social signals to help them better improve their results.

For example, here is a case study on how Google is using social media for search discovery.

Even if you hate the social web, you need to use it more. Not only can it help with your site’s indexing but it can also help with brand building, which indirectly will help boost your rankings as well.

Here are some articles to follow to help boost your social media presence:

How to Gain 1,260 Instagram Followers per Week

16 Powerful Facebook Marketing Tips That Actually Work

The Complete Guide to Using Twitter to Grow Your Business

9 LinkedIn Marketing Tips

How to Hack YouTube

The Ultimate Guide to Pinterest Marketing

4 Principles of Successful Snapchat Marketing

3. Google loves brands

If you don’t believe me, just look at these quotes from Google’s ex-CEO and ex-head of webspam.

They both believe in brands.

As your brand grows, you’ll find that your rankings will climb as well.

You saw my search traffic stats earlier in the post, but here’s a breakdown of how many people found my site by searching for my name in the last 7 days.

And that number doesn’t even include the misspellings. You would be shocked at how many people spell my name as “niel” instead of “neil.”

Google loves brands. Heck, when you type in “men’s running shoes,” they even have Nike, Adidas, and Asics there.

Branded search volume is more correlated with rankings than links or domain authority.

If you want to build a brand, focus on the social media articles I linked to above and follow the brand building articles below:

How to Dominate Google

How to Increase Rankings Through Brand Mentions

How to Use SEO to Build Your Brand

The Future of SEO

If you are still struggling to build a brand, talk to one of my team members about our Digital PR.

4. Focus on a niche

Do you remember the old-school site About.com?

Over time, About.com tanked in terms of their Google rankings and the business was dying. There were a few reasons why:

The site didn’t focus on a single niche… it was about everything

The content was mediocre. They didn’t go in-depth but instead just kept things surface level.

They had too much content that no one cared to read.

They decided to rebrand as Dotdash and start niching down. So they took the content on About.com and split it into six specific vertical sites.

When doing this they found that a lot of the content didn’t fit into those 6 verticals or wasn’t up to their new quality standard. This caused them them delete roughly 900,000 articles.

From the data, you can see that they got much more traffic by splitting up their content into niched-down sites.

It was so successful that they took one of their new vertical sites and broke it down further into three niche sites. Here were the results:

This helped them grow their revenue by 140%.

If you want to do well in today’s world of SEO, focus on one niche. Google prefers topic-specific sites because that’s what you and everyone else loves.

Just think of it this way… would you rather read medical advice from About.com or WebMD?

WebMD of course.

Another thing they did

5. Future is personalization

Have you noticed that when you search on Google the results you see are different than the results of your friends?

It’s because Google is trying to personalize the results to you.

Not just on Google search but anywhere you use a Google device… from a smartphone to Google Home to even their autonomous cars.

With all of the data they are gathering, they are better suited to understand your preferences and then modify the results to that.

Just think of it this way: Every time you visit a place and you are carrying your mobile phone (especially if it is an Android device), Google may be able to potentially use that information to tailor results to you.

With your website, don’t try and show everyone the same message. If you personalize your experience to each and every user, you will be able to rank better in the long run as it will improve your user metrics.

A good example of this is on my blog.

Right when you land there, I let you pick the type of content you want to see and then the page adapts to your interest.

It’s actually the most clicked area on the blog, believe it or not.

Conclusion

SEO is not dead, it’s just changing.

Sure, click-through rates are going down and Google keeps adjusting its algorithm but that’s to be expected.

Google has made it so you can easily target your ideal customer through SEO or paid ads.

It used to be much more difficult before they came along. That’s why they are able to generate over 100 billion dollars a year in advertising revenue.

Don’t worry about things that aren’t in your control. Instead, start adapting or your traffic and business will be dead.

What do you think about the changing SEO landscape?

The post Is SEO Dead? (A Data-Driven Answer) appeared first on Neil Patel.

Is SEO Dead? (A Data-Driven Answer) Publicado primeiro em https://neilpatel.com

[jjpocketbook]

Is SEO Dead? (A Data-Driven Answer)

SEO has been changing drastically over the years.

In 2010, Google made 516 algorithm changes. That number increased to 1,653 in 2016 and to 3,234 in 2018. We don’t have data for the last couple of years, but still, you can bet that the number is continually going up.

With over 9 algorithm changes a day, it’s safe to say that it is no longer easy to manipulate or game Google.

So, is SEO dead?

Well, let’s look at the data and from there I’ll show you what you should do.

Is SEO dead?

Do you know how many searches take place on Google each day?

Roughly 5.6 billion searches per day.

That’s roughly 2 trillion searches each year.

Although that’s a lot of searches, there is also a lot of content being created.

There are roughly a billion blogs on the web.

There are so many blogs that you can find an excessive amount of content on most topics out there.

For example, if you look at the long-tail phrase, “what is digital marketing”, there are only 11,300 global searches a month but a whopping 665,000 pieces of content trying to answer that question.

In other words, the supply is much greater than the demand.

You’ll see even more of this for head terms. Just look at the phrase “banana”:

640,300 global searches seem like a high number but there are 880,000,000 million results. Sure, some of those results may not be on the food, banana, but still, that’s a lot of content compared to the search volume.

You can still find search phrases where there is more search volume than content but the trend is continually increasing in which content production is exceeding search demand.

On top of that, Google is turning into an answer engine in which they are answering people’s questions without them having to go to a website.

According to Dejan SEO, they saw CTRs drastically decrease once Google started answering questions. Just look at this weather search query:

Their clicks from weather-related queries went from 46% all the way down to 7%.

This trend has become so common that the percentage of traffic that Google drives to organic listings (SEO results) has been decreasing over time.

So, does this mean SEO is dead?

It’s actually the opposite.

SEO is not dead

With all of the data, how can that be the case?

First off, all marketing channels become statured over time. It’s just a question of when.

You can say the same thing about Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and even email marketing.

Heck, just look at the image below. It was the first banner ad on the Internet.

Can you guess what company created that banner ad? It was ATT.

Of the people who saw it, 44% of them clicked on it. Now banner ads generate an average click-through rate of 0.5%.

That’s an enormous drop.

And, as I mentioned above, it’s with all channels. Just look at Instagram engagement rates:

It doesn’t matter if it is a sponsored post or an organic post, the trend on Instagram is that engagement is going down.

That’s why you are seeing people like Gary Vaynerchuk and Grant Cardone promoting their phone numbers all over Instagram.

That way they can communicate with their fans directly without having to deal with algorithms or platforms decreasing their engagement.

But even with those decreasing numbers, you are seeing sponsored posts on Instagram surging by 150%.

In other words, people are still spending money because they are seeing an ROI or generating enough value in their eyes.

And the same is happening with digital ad spending.

The numbers are on the rise because companies are generating an ROI.

So, how is SEO still not dead?

As I explained above, just because the metrics aren’t going in your favor doesn’t mean that a channel is dead.

Just look at my search traffic on NeilPatel.com.

Not only do I have to deal with Google’s algorithm like you, but my competition includes other marketers who know what I know… yet I am still able to grow my search traffic even with Google’s decreasing CTRs.

When you look at search as a whole (and I am not only talking about on Bing and Google as people also search on other sites and platforms as well) Google still dominates market share with a whopping 94%.

People still use Google and prefer them as their method of search. But what’s changed is how Google is being used.

It used to be where you would use platforms like Instagram for discovery and Google for commerce (purchasing).

The trend has switched over the years in which Instagram is being heavily used for commerce and Google is mainly used as a discovery engine.

Just look at this case study by Olay.

Olay sells products related to skincare. One of their products happens to reduce darkness under your eyes.

So, they used to push heavily on ads that sold their products directly.

But the moment they changed their ads to focus on education by teaching people how to reduce dark circles under their eyes instead of forcing people to buy their products, their ROI went through the roof.

By sending people to educational-based content first (and then selling through the content), they were able to increase click-throughs by 87%, decrease their cost per click by 30%, and increase conversions by 100%.

This is a prime example of how more people are using Google as a discovery engine first instead of a commerce engine.

SEO isn’t dying it is just changing

Now that you know that Google is shifting to a discovery engine (for both paid and organic listings), there are a few other things you need to know if you want to dominate the organic listings.

1: Google wants to rank sites you want to see

Their algorithm core focus isn’t backlinks or keyword density, or a specific SEO metric… the focus is on the user experience.

If a site has millions of backlinks but users hate it, the site won’t rank well in the long run.

Look at this case study of the “best grilled steaks.”

Rand Fishkin had all of his social followers do the following:

Within 70 minutes, the listing jumped to the top spot.

This is what I mean by user signals. You, the end-user, control how Google adjusts rankings.

2. People don’t just use Google. Google gathers data from everywhere.

Google knows you spend hours a day on your mobile device and hours on other sites and applications that aren’t controlled or owned by Google.

So, when they are figuring out what to rank and where to rank it, they aren’t just looking at their own dataset.

They crawl things like social media and use social signals to help them better improve their results.

For example, here is a case study on how Google is using social media for search discovery.

Even if you hate the social web, you need to use it more. Not only can it help with your site’s indexing but it can also help with brand building, which indirectly will help boost your rankings as well.

Here are some articles to follow to help boost your social media presence:

How to Gain 1,260 Instagram Followers per Week

16 Powerful Facebook Marketing Tips That Actually Work

The Complete Guide to Using Twitter to Grow Your Business

9 LinkedIn Marketing Tips

How to Hack YouTube

The Ultimate Guide to Pinterest Marketing

4 Principles of Successful Snapchat Marketing

3. Google loves brands

If you don’t believe me, just look at these quotes from Google’s ex-CEO and ex-head of webspam.

They both believe in brands.

As your brand grows, you’ll find that your rankings will climb as well.

You saw my search traffic stats earlier in the post, but here’s a breakdown of how many people found my site by searching for my name in the last 7 days.

And that number doesn’t even include the misspellings. You would be shocked at how many people spell my name as “niel” instead of “neil.”

Google loves brands. Heck, when you type in “men’s running shoes,” they even have Nike, Adidas, and Asics there.

Branded search volume is more correlated with rankings than links or domain authority.

If you want to build a brand, focus on the social media articles I linked to above and follow the brand building articles below:

How to Dominate Google

How to Increase Rankings Through Brand Mentions

How to Use SEO to Build Your Brand

The Future of SEO

If you are still struggling to build a brand, talk to one of my team members about our Digital PR.

4. Focus on a niche

Do you remember the old-school site About.com?

Over time, About.com tanked in terms of their Google rankings and the business was dying. There were a few reasons why:

The site didn’t focus on a single niche… it was about everything

The content was mediocre. They didn’t go in-depth but instead just kept things surface level.

They had too much content that no one cared to read.

They decided to rebrand as Dotdash and start niching down. So they took the content on About.com and split it into six specific vertical sites.

When doing this they found that a lot of the content didn’t fit into those 6 verticals or wasn’t up to their new quality standard. This caused them them delete roughly 900,000 articles.

From the data, you can see that they got much more traffic by splitting up their content into niched-down sites.

It was so successful that they took one of their new vertical sites and broke it down further into three niche sites. Here were the results:

This helped them grow their revenue by 140%.

If you want to do well in today’s world of SEO, focus on one niche. Google prefers topic-specific sites because that’s what you and everyone else loves.

Just think of it this way… would you rather read medical advice from About.com or WebMD?

WebMD of course.

Another thing they did

5. Future is personalization

Have you noticed that when you search on Google the results you see are different than the results of your friends?

It’s because Google is trying to personalize the results to you.

Not just on Google search but anywhere you use a Google device… from a smartphone to Google Home to even their autonomous cars.

With all of the data they are gathering, they are better suited to understand your preferences and then modify the results to that.

Just think of it this way: Every time you visit a place and you are carrying your mobile phone (especially if it is an Android device), Google may be able to potentially use that information to tailor results to you.

With your website, don’t try and show everyone the same message. If you personalize your experience to each and every user, you will be able to rank better in the long run as it will improve your user metrics.

A good example of this is on my blog.

Right when you land there, I let you pick the type of content you want to see and then the page adapts to your interest.

It’s actually the most clicked area on the blog, believe it or not.

Conclusion

SEO is not dead, it’s just changing.

Sure, click-through rates are going down and Google keeps adjusting its algorithm but that’s to be expected.

Google has made it so you can easily target your ideal customer through SEO or paid ads.

It used to be much more difficult before they came along. That’s why they are able to generate over 100 billion dollars a year in advertising revenue.

Don’t worry about things that aren’t in your control. Instead, start adapting or your traffic and business will be dead.

What do you think about the changing SEO landscape?

The post Is SEO Dead? (A Data-Driven Answer) appeared first on Neil Patel.

Original content source: https://neilpatel.com/blog/seo-dead/ via https://neilpatel.com

The original post, Is SEO Dead? (A Data-Driven Answer), has been shared from https://imtrainingparadise.wordpress.com/2020/01/21/is-seo-dead-a-data-driven-answer/ via https://imtrainingparadise.wordpress.com

[jimmyjohnsmnm]

Is SEO Dead? (A Data-Driven Answer)

SEO has been changing drastically over the years.

In 2010, Google made 516 algorithm changes. That number increased to 1,653 in 2016 and to 3,234 in 2018. We don’t have data for the last couple of years, but still, you can bet that the number is continually going up.

With over 9 algorithm changes a day, it’s safe to say that it is no longer easy to manipulate or game Google.

So, is SEO dead?

Well, let’s look at the data and from there I’ll show you what you should do.

Is SEO dead?

Do you know how many searches take place on Google each day?

Roughly 5.6 billion searches per day.

That’s roughly 2 trillion searches each year.

Although that’s a lot of searches, there is also a lot of content being created.

There are roughly a billion blogs on the web.

There are so many blogs that you can find an excessive amount of content on most topics out there.

For example, if you look at the long-tail phrase, “what is digital marketing”, there are only 11,300 global searches a month but a whopping 665,000 pieces of content trying to answer that question.

In other words, the supply is much greater than the demand.

You’ll see even more of this for head terms. Just look at the phrase “banana”:

640,300 global searches seem like a high number but there are 880,000,000 million results. Sure, some of those results may not be on the food, banana, but still, that’s a lot of content compared to the search volume.

You can still find search phrases where there is more search volume than content but the trend is continually increasing in which content production is exceeding search demand.

On top of that, Google is turning into an answer engine in which they are answering people’s questions without them having to go to a website.

According to Dejan SEO, they saw CTRs drastically decrease once Google started answering questions. Just look at this weather search query:

Their clicks from weather-related queries went from 46% all the way down to 7%.

This trend has become so common that the percentage of traffic that Google drives to organic listings (SEO results) has been decreasing over time.

So, does this mean SEO is dead?

It’s actually the opposite.

SEO is not dead

With all of the data, how can that be the case?

First off, all marketing channels become statured over time. It’s just a question of when.

You can say the same thing about Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and even email marketing.

Heck, just look at the image below. It was the first banner ad on the Internet.

Can you guess what company created that banner ad? It was ATT.

Of the people who saw it, 44% of them clicked on it. Now banner ads generate an average click-through rate of 0.5%.

That’s an enormous drop.

And, as I mentioned above, it’s with all channels. Just look at Instagram engagement rates:

It doesn’t matter if it is a sponsored post or an organic post, the trend on Instagram is that engagement is going down.

That’s why you are seeing people like Gary Vaynerchuk and Grant Cardone promoting their phone numbers all over Instagram.

That way they can communicate with their fans directly without having to deal with algorithms or platforms decreasing their engagement.

But even with those decreasing numbers, you are seeing sponsored posts on Instagram surging by 150%.

In other words, people are still spending money because they are seeing an ROI or generating enough value in their eyes.

And the same is happening with digital ad spending.

The numbers are on the rise because companies are generating an ROI.

So, how is SEO still not dead?

As I explained above, just because the metrics aren’t going in your favor doesn’t mean that a channel is dead.

Just look at my search traffic on NeilPatel.com.

Not only do I have to deal with Google’s algorithm like you, but my competition includes other marketers who know what I know… yet I am still able to grow my search traffic even with Google’s decreasing CTRs.

When you look at search as a whole (and I am not only talking about on Bing and Google as people also search on other sites and platforms as well) Google still dominates market share with a whopping 94%.

People still use Google and prefer them as their method of search. But what’s changed is how Google is being used.

It used to be where you would use platforms like Instagram for discovery and Google for commerce (purchasing).

The trend has switched over the years in which Instagram is being heavily used for commerce and Google is mainly used as a discovery engine.

Just look at this case study by Olay.

Olay sells products related to skincare. One of their products happens to reduce darkness under your eyes.

So, they used to push heavily on ads that sold their products directly.

But the moment they changed their ads to focus on education by teaching people how to reduce dark circles under their eyes instead of forcing people to buy their products, their ROI went through the roof.

By sending people to educational-based content first (and then selling through the content), they were able to increase click-throughs by 87%, decrease their cost per click by 30%, and increase conversions by 100%.

This is a prime example of how more people are using Google as a discovery engine first instead of a commerce engine.

SEO isn’t dying it is just changing

Now that you know that Google is shifting to a discovery engine (for both paid and organic listings), there are a few other things you need to know if you want to dominate the organic listings.

1: Google wants to rank sites you want to see

Their algorithm core focus isn’t backlinks or keyword density, or a specific SEO metric… the focus is on the user experience.

If a site has millions of backlinks but users hate it, the site won’t rank well in the long run.

Look at this case study of the “best grilled steaks.”

Rand Fishkin had all of his social followers do the following:

Within 70 minutes, the listing jumped to the top spot.

This is what I mean by user signals. You, the end-user, control how Google adjusts rankings.

2. People don’t just use Google. Google gathers data from everywhere.

Google knows you spend hours a day on your mobile device and hours on other sites and applications that aren’t controlled or owned by Google.

So, when they are figuring out what to rank and where to rank it, they aren’t just looking at their own dataset.

They crawl things like social media and use social signals to help them better improve their results.

For example, here is a case study on how Google is using social media for search discovery.

Even if you hate the social web, you need to use it more. Not only can it help with your site’s indexing but it can also help with brand building, which indirectly will help boost your rankings as well.

Here are some articles to follow to help boost your social media presence:

How to Gain 1,260 Instagram Followers per Week

16 Powerful Facebook Marketing Tips That Actually Work

The Complete Guide to Using Twitter to Grow Your Business

9 LinkedIn Marketing Tips

How to Hack YouTube

The Ultimate Guide to Pinterest Marketing

4 Principles of Successful Snapchat Marketing

3. Google loves brands

If you don’t believe me, just look at these quotes from Google’s ex-CEO and ex-head of webspam.

They both believe in brands.

As your brand grows, you’ll find that your rankings will climb as well.

You saw my search traffic stats earlier in the post, but here’s a breakdown of how many people found my site by searching for my name in the last 7 days.

And that number doesn’t even include the misspellings. You would be shocked at how many people spell my name as “niel” instead of “neil.”

Google loves brands. Heck, when you type in “men’s running shoes,” they even have Nike, Adidas, and Asics there.

Branded search volume is more correlated with rankings than links or domain authority.

If you want to build a brand, focus on the social media articles I linked to above and follow the brand building articles below:

How to Dominate Google

How to Increase Rankings Through Brand Mentions

How to Use SEO to Build Your Brand

The Future of SEO

If you are still struggling to build a brand, talk to one of my team members about our Digital PR.

4. Focus on a niche

Do you remember the old-school site About.com?

Over time, About.com tanked in terms of their Google rankings and the business was dying. There were a few reasons why:

The site didn’t focus on a single niche… it was about everything

The content was mediocre. They didn’t go in-depth but instead just kept things surface level.

They had too much content that no one cared to read.

They decided to rebrand as Dotdash and start niching down. So they took the content on About.com and split it into six specific vertical sites.

When doing this they found that a lot of the content didn’t fit into those 6 verticals or wasn’t up to their new quality standard. This caused them them delete roughly 900,000 articles.

From the data, you can see that they got much more traffic by splitting up their content into niched-down sites.

It was so successful that they took one of their new vertical sites and broke it down further into three niche sites. Here were the results:

This helped them grow their revenue by 140%.

If you want to do well in today’s world of SEO, focus on one niche. Google prefers topic-specific sites because that’s what you and everyone else loves.

Just think of it this way… would you rather read medical advice from About.com or WebMD?

WebMD of course.

Another thing they did

5. Future is personalization

Have you noticed that when you search on Google the results you see are different than the results of your friends?

It’s because Google is trying to personalize the results to you.

Not just on Google search but anywhere you use a Google device… from a smartphone to Google Home to even their autonomous cars.

With all of the data they are gathering, they are better suited to understand your preferences and then modify the results to that.

Just think of it this way: Every time you visit a place and you are carrying your mobile phone (especially if it is an Android device), Google may be able to potentially use that information to tailor results to you.

With your website, don’t try and show everyone the same message. If you personalize your experience to each and every user, you will be able to rank better in the long run as it will improve your user metrics.

A good example of this is on my blog.

Right when you land there, I let you pick the type of content you want to see and then the page adapts to your interest.

It’s actually the most clicked area on the blog, believe it or not.

Conclusion

SEO is not dead, it’s just changing.

Sure, click-through rates are going down and Google keeps adjusting its algorithm but that’s to be expected.

Google has made it so you can easily target your ideal customer through SEO or paid ads.

It used to be much more difficult before they came along. That’s why they are able to generate over 100 billion dollars a year in advertising revenue.

Don’t worry about things that aren’t in your control. Instead, start adapting or your traffic and business will be dead.

What do you think about the changing SEO landscape?

The post Is SEO Dead? (A Data-Driven Answer) appeared first on Neil Patel.

Original content source: https://ift.tt/2qdL8ni via https://neilpatel.com The post, Is SEO Dead? (A Data-Driven Answer), has been shared from https://ift.tt/2G8TKBz via https://ift.tt/2r0Go64

[preciousmetals0]

TSLA Closer to $4,000 Stock: 3 Reasons to Think Like a Tesla Investor

TSLA Closer to $4,000 Stock: 3 Reasons to Think Like a Tesla Investor:

If you want to make money in the stock market, you need to think like a Tesla investor.

You see, looking at the history of car companies, you’d think that a person would have to be out of their mind to run one.

In fact, Wikipedia has compiled a list of defunct U.S. auto manufacturers. I didn’t count exactly how many are on the list, but my guess is there are more than 1,000.

These are all companies that failed to make it, almost all within the past 150 years.

But here’s one that isn’t going to make that list: Tesla.

Ever since Tesla released its first car, the 2008 Roadster, people have been dying to mark it off as a failure.

But Tesla can’t be stopped.

In fact, the company is on track to meet Paul Mampilly’s prediction that TSLA is going to be a $4,000 stock.

That’s big news for investors in the stock. So today, I’ll tell you how to make big money in stocks by thinking like a Tesla investor.

There are three big reasons why Tesla will become the future of transportation and make investors rich in the process.

No. 1: It’s Extremely Efficient

A lot of people love to hate Elon Musk for making bold predictions.

But at Bold Profits, that’s what we’re all about!

And although Musk has a somewhat spotty history of delivering promises on time, it’s impossible to argue that Tesla hasn’t become one of the most breakthrough companies in our lifetime.

First, when you consider the magnitude of disrupting the auto industry, Tesla’s done it in a relatively short period of time.

The company has only been consistently selling cars since 2013 (the 2008 Roadster was short-lived, as only 2,500 were sold). That year, about 95,000 electric cars were sold in the United States … and about 23,000 were Teslas.

Then, in 2017, the company released its first mass-produced car, the Model 3. That production got ramped up significantly in 2018. And from last January through September 2019, Tesla had already sold over 250,000.

It’s become by far the most popular electric car in the United States, making up about 41% of total sales of all electric vehicles.

And keep in mind, this has all been accomplished through only two “Gigafactories,” which are Tesla’s production facilities.

Five years ago, these Gigafactories didn’t even exist. And now, Tesla recently began making cars in a third facility in China and is building a fourth Gigafactory in Germany, which means the company will have easier access to sell its cars all over the world.

No. 2: Electric Cars Are Cheaper to Make

One of the biggest advantages that Tesla has over its competition is that it’s a pure-play electric vehicle maker.

All of its manufacturing sites, tools and components are geared toward one thing: creating electric cars.

Meanwhile, competitors such as Ford and General Motors are scrambling to get into this business. This means they have to completely restructure their businesses. That takes a lot of time and money, and since most auto companies were late to start, they’ve fallen behind by years and billions of dollars.

Since cars were first mass-produced, they’ve run on internal combustion engines. The drivetrains of these cars have over 2,000 moving parts. And anyone who’s driven for any length of time can attest that it doesn’t take much for things to break down.

In fact, the top 10 most common car repairs are all related to the drivetrain, and they’re not cheap:

On the other hand, electric vehicles have about 20 moving parts in their drivetrains. This means there’s a lot less that can become damaged or dysfunctional, and a lot less money involved in the process of making the cars.

Over the past year, Tesla has achieved a higher gross margin than some of the biggest car companies in the world.

Gross margin is the best statistic to look at when you want to see if a company is properly scaling its business. For example, if you sell something for $20 that costs you $19 to make, you only have $1 left over, and that means your gross margin is 5%.

As companies begin to mass-produce larger numbers of items, the cost to make each item will usually drop. This is exactly the case for Tesla, and the company still has a long way to go.

So, as Tesla keeps ramping up production, it’ll become even more profitable and extend its lead over the competition.

No 3: No Shortage of Investors

On paper, you can make a strong case that any car company will go out of business. As I mentioned earlier, there are a lot of expenses associated with manufacturing cars. If you bet against every car company that’s existed, you’d be rich.

But Tesla is different, and that’s clear by the patience and persistence of its investors.

Back in 2017, Tesla did the unthinkable and asked investors to buy bonds in the company. Bonds are another word for debt, meaning Tesla was planning on adding debt to the company.

If you’d listened to Wall Street, this was a horrible idea and a sure sign of bankruptcy. After all, who would want to invest in Tesla’s debt?

However, Tesla ended up selling all its anticipated debt ($1.5 billion), plus an additional $300 million. Clearly, investors had a lot more trust in the company than was being portrayed on TV.

Then, this past May, the company did it again. Tesla had planned on selling another $1.35 billion in bonds. But investor demand was extremely strong once again, and it ended up increasing that to $1.6 billion.

The Bottom Line: Think Like a Tesla Investor

Bankruptcy is a plague that’s killed just about ever car company that’s ever existed.

Yet, Tesla is beating the odds time and time again. It continues to prove the media wrong, as it’s not only surviving, but winning handily in the electric vehicle race.

Tesla is the best example of new-world companies disrupting the old, creating what Paul calls “America 2.0.”

When this disruption happens to any stock, it doesn’t follow a straight line to the top. There will be ups and downs. Which is why it requires strong hands.

If you hold your own, you stand to reap the rewards. Just think about it. A small investment in Tesla could explode higher once Tesla’s stock hits $4,000.

And that’s exactly what Paul and I predict for the company.

For more of our 2020 forecasts — including what the new year has in store for Tesla — take a look at this video.

And remember to keep strong hands and think like a Tesla investor for massive 2020 gains.

[embedded content]

Regards,

Ian Dyer

Editor, Rebound Profit Trader

[goldira01]

If you want to make money in the stock market, you need to think like a Tesla investor.

You see, looking at the history of car companies, you’d think that a person would have to be out of their mind to run one.

In fact, Wikipedia has compiled a list of defunct U.S. auto manufacturers. I didn’t count exactly how many are on the list, but my guess is there are more than 1,000.

These are all companies that failed to make it, almost all within the past 150 years.

But here’s one that isn’t going to make that list: Tesla.

Ever since Tesla released its first car, the 2008 Roadster, people have been dying to mark it off as a failure.

But Tesla can’t be stopped.

In fact, the company is on track to meet Paul Mampilly’s prediction that TSLA is going to be a $4,000 stock.

That’s big news for investors in the stock. So today, I’ll tell you how to make big money in stocks by thinking like a Tesla investor.

There are three big reasons why Tesla will become the future of transportation and make investors rich in the process.

No. 1: It’s Extremely Efficient

A lot of people love to hate Elon Musk for making bold predictions.

But at Bold Profits, that’s what we’re all about!

And although Musk has a somewhat spotty history of delivering promises on time, it’s impossible to argue that Tesla hasn’t become one of the most breakthrough companies in our lifetime.

First, when you consider the magnitude of disrupting the auto industry, Tesla’s done it in a relatively short period of time.

The company has only been consistently selling cars since 2013 (the 2008 Roadster was short-lived, as only 2,500 were sold). That year, about 95,000 electric cars were sold in the United States … and about 23,000 were Teslas.

Then, in 2017, the company released its first mass-produced car, the Model 3. That production got ramped up significantly in 2018. And from last January through September 2019, Tesla had already sold over 250,000.

It’s become by far the most popular electric car in the United States, making up about 41% of total sales of all electric vehicles.

And keep in mind, this has all been accomplished through only two “Gigafactories,” which are Tesla’s production facilities.

Five years ago, these Gigafactories didn’t even exist. And now, Tesla recently began making cars in a third facility in China and is building a fourth Gigafactory in Germany, which means the company will have easier access to sell its cars all over the world.

No. 2: Electric Cars Are Cheaper to Make

One of the biggest advantages that Tesla has over its competition is that it’s a pure-play electric vehicle maker.

All of its manufacturing sites, tools and components are geared toward one thing: creating electric cars.

Meanwhile, competitors such as Ford and General Motors are scrambling to get into this business. This means they have to completely restructure their businesses. That takes a lot of time and money, and since most auto companies were late to start, they’ve fallen behind by years and billions of dollars.

Since cars were first mass-produced, they’ve run on internal combustion engines. The drivetrains of these cars have over 2,000 moving parts. And anyone who’s driven for any length of time can attest that it doesn’t take much for things to break down.

In fact, the top 10 most common car repairs are all related to the drivetrain, and they’re not cheap:

On the other hand, electric vehicles have about 20 moving parts in their drivetrains. This means there’s a lot less that can become damaged or dysfunctional, and a lot less money involved in the process of making the cars.

Over the past year, Tesla has achieved a higher gross margin than some of the biggest car companies in the world.

Gross margin is the best statistic to look at when you want to see if a company is properly scaling its business. For example, if you sell something for $20 that costs you $19 to make, you only have $1 left over, and that means your gross margin is 5%.

As companies begin to mass-produce larger numbers of items, the cost to make each item will usually drop. This is exactly the case for Tesla, and the company still has a long way to go.

So, as Tesla keeps ramping up production, it’ll become even more profitable and extend its lead over the competition.

No 3: No Shortage of Investors

On paper, you can make a strong case that any car company will go out of business. As I mentioned earlier, there are a lot of expenses associated with manufacturing cars. If you bet against every car company that’s existed, you’d be rich.

But Tesla is different, and that’s clear by the patience and persistence of its investors.

Back in 2017, Tesla did the unthinkable and asked investors to buy bonds in the company. Bonds are another word for debt, meaning Tesla was planning on adding debt to the company.

If you’d listened to Wall Street, this was a horrible idea and a sure sign of bankruptcy. After all, who would want to invest in Tesla’s debt?

However, Tesla ended up selling all its anticipated debt ($1.5 billion), plus an additional $300 million. Clearly, investors had a lot more trust in the company than was being portrayed on TV.

Then, this past May, the company did it again. Tesla had planned on selling another $1.35 billion in bonds. But investor demand was extremely strong once again, and it ended up increasing that to $1.6 billion.

The Bottom Line: Think Like a Tesla Investor

Bankruptcy is a plague that’s killed just about ever car company that’s ever existed.

Yet, Tesla is beating the odds time and time again. It continues to prove the media wrong, as it’s not only surviving, but winning handily in the electric vehicle race.

Tesla is the best example of new-world companies disrupting the old, creating what Paul calls “America 2.0.”

When this disruption happens to any stock, it doesn’t follow a straight line to the top. There will be ups and downs. Which is why it requires strong hands.

If you hold your own, you stand to reap the rewards. Just think about it. A small investment in Tesla could explode higher once Tesla’s stock hits $4,000.

And that’s exactly what Paul and I predict for the company.

For more of our 2020 forecasts — including what the new year has in store for Tesla — take a look at this video.

And remember to keep strong hands and think like a Tesla investor for massive 2020 gains.

[embedded content]

Regards,

Ian Dyer

Editor, Rebound Profit Trader

[kissnovel46-blog]

Peanut Butter Kitchen Sink Cookies Caramel, Pretzels, M&Ms, and More

Oh yes, these peanut butter kitchen sink cookies (as in, there’s EVERYTHING but the kitchen sink in them) are amazing! Soft, crunchy, caramelly, delicious!

Weeks ago I asked for your help on Instagram (here’s the plea) to name this over-the-top loaded cookie. And wow, did you ever come through! To the tune of 400+ responses! Even more of you chimed in on this Friday Thoughts post with last minute name suggestions. I have loved each and every one of them (I’ll highlight a few of my favorites below) – and laughed out loud at more than one. You guys are funny. 

But in the end, it seemed appropriate to go with the name that sums it all up in one broad, sweeping title (and by far, the most popular name suggested): almighty peanut butter kitchen sink cookies. 

Soft, chewy, crunchy, sweet, salty, caramelly – this cookie has it all. 

When visiting Montana this summer, my sister-in-law, Erin, made these cookies for us two days in a row (because our greedy hands couldn’t get enough), and I knew immediately my blog wouldn’t be the same until I had a recipe like this on my site. Since then, I’ve made these cookies myself four or five times (including making and serving 150 of them at my cousin’s wedding dinner a few weeks ago), and they have skyrocketed to favorite cookie status. I mean, just look at them! The wow factor is huge.

When I was probably about 10 years old, we lived in Houston, Texas, and my mom had a church responsibility to follow up with the young 19-something missionaries serving in our area. One day she went over there to visit with them (and mostly check to see if their often-neglected apartment was getting cleaned), and they proudly told her they had made cookies and sent them to their families!

Because they had a very sparsely furnished kitchen, she was quite surprised. She politely asked them what kind of cookies they had made. Chocolate Chip. Then she kindly and somewhat gently asked what they had used to make them (they literally only had a couple cereal bowls, plates, and a few utensils). Unabashed, they announced that without the use of a large mixing bowl, they had the brilliant idea to use their kitchen sink to mix the dough! (And then borrow baking sheets from a neighbor.) A few more probing questions from my slightly aghast mom revealed that no, no indeed, the rather grimy kitchen sink hadn’t been scrubbed cleaned before the cookie making endeavor. 

I remember my mom coming home and telling us about this kitchen sink cookie experience and with a furrowed brow wondering out loud if she should somehow alert the families that might be on the receiving end of these cookies?? I have no idea if those cookies ever made it to their destination and what the result was, but I’ve always had a bit of a gag reflex thinking of those kitchen sink cookies from the 1980’s

Thankfully these peanut butter kitchen sink cookies I’m sharing with you today are not literal in anyway (no kitchen sinks were used or harmed in the making of these cookies). They are 100% delicious and totally food safe, I promise. 🙂

If you want to see a whole list of name suggestions, here you go. My 12-year old lovingly compiled this list after reading through the hundreds of Instagram responses. So many great cookie name ideas! I just love you guys. 

Here are a few notable/clever favorites: 

–G.O.A.T. (greatest of all time) cookies -Whatcha-Mel-Callsit cookies (hahaha) -What You Find Under the Carseat Cookie (slightly gross but super funny) -Spanx Busters -Pantry Cleanout or Pantry Raid Cookie -Pretzel Monster Cookies -Mary Poppins Cookie (because Mary Poppins is Practically Perfect in Every Way) 🙂

Other than adding in a bazillion extra ingredients, these peanut butter kitchen sink cookies aren’t any more difficult to whip up than your average, every day drop cookie. 

The soft peanut butter cookie dough base is mixed together (in a stand mixer or using an electric hand mixer) with the flour just barely getting incorporated before adding in all those glorious extras.

Why not?? Here’s what’s going on in these cookies so far:

-toasted pecans (I’m normally a don’t-put-nuts-in-my-cookie kind of gal, but they are super tasty in these cookies! Use them!) -peanut butter chips -chocolate chips -caramel balls (I’m talking about the Kraft brand of unwrapped caramel bits similar in size to large chocolate chips; when I’ve been out, I unwrapped soft Kraft or Trader Joe’s caramels and cut them into pieces with my bench knife aff. link…a labor of love that is totally and completely worth it) -M&Ms (I’ve used regular M&Ms, dark chocolate M&Ms, and caramel M&Ms)

I think you could play with the add-ins to your hearts content. What about:

-other chopped up candy bars (the sky is the limit) -pretzels IN the dough vs just pressed on the outside -other types of chopped nuts -coconut

Once the cookie dough is mixed, roll the dough into balls. Because of all the add-ins, the dough balls won’t be perfectly round. That’s ok. All those lumps and bumps just mean extra yumminess. 

Press the top of the cookie dough into the coarsely chopped pretzels and then turn over and lightly press the pretzels into the soft cookie dough so they stick. Again, we aren’t going for perfection here! These cookies have a rustic porcupine-spiked vibe going on, and I love them all the more for it. 

Of course you can eliminate the pretzels from the cookie lineup, but they really do add that salty crunch that is awesome (and they don’t get soft/soggy after baking). 

These cookies will spread just like other drop cookies…but probably not quite as much thanks to all the bulky add-ins. They are meant to be super soft and slightly puffy.

I’ve given some notes in the last step of the recipe directions about how to end up with a flatter cookie if you want (or, conversely, what to do if your cookies are flattening too much). 

Since these cookies have also affectionately been dubbed “clean out the pantry cookies” – I can’t wait to see what other variations you come up with! You clever and adventurous bakers never cease to amaze me. 

Just in case you end up with more cookies than you deem safe for your self-control OR you need to make a bunch in advance, these baked and cooled cookies freeze great (yep, even with the pretzels). I stack the cookies in between sheets of wax paper in a large tupperware and then take them out of the freezer several hours before I want to serve them. Tasty as the day they were made!

After all this talk about PB kitchen sink cookies, looks like I better go grab a couple out of the freezer just to remind myself how delicious they really are. 

One Year Ago: Monterey BBQ Chicken Pasta One Pot Dinner! Two Years Ago: Fresh Zucchini and Tomato Linguine 30-Minute Meal Three Years Ago: Tender Grilled Pork Chops Four Years Ago: Triple Chocolate Zucchini Cookies Five Years Ago: Good Morning Power Muffins Full of Whole Grains and Superfoods! Six Years Ago: Ebelskivers: Puffy Danish Pancakes Seven Years Ago: Cheesy Zucchini Rice Eight Years Ago: Oreo Cheesecake Bites

Yield: 4-5 dozen

Prep Time: 40 minutes

Cook Time: 10 minutes

Total Time: 50 minutes

Ingredients

1 cup (8 ounces, 16 tablespoons) butter, softened (I use salted)

1 cup (9 ounces) creamy peanut butter (I use Skippy or Jiffy)

1 cup (7.5 ounces) granulated sugar

1 cup (7.5 ounces) packed light or dark brown sugar

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

3/4 teaspoon salt

2 large eggs

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

2 1/2 cups (12.5 ounces) all-purpose flour

1 cup (6 ounces) chocolate chips (I use semisweet)

1 cup (6 ounces) peanut butter chips

1 cup (7 ounces) caramel balls (see note) or chopped soft caramels

1 cup (7 ounces) M&Ms (regular, caramel, etc)

1 cup (4 ounces) chopped, toasted pecans

2 cups coarsely chopped pretzels

Instructions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F and line a couple baking sheets with parchment paper.

In the bowl of an electric stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment or in a large bowl using a handheld electric mixer, mix together the butter, peanut butter, granulated sugar, brown sugar, baking powder, baking soda and salt until well-combined and super creamy, 2-3 minutes, scraping down the sides of the bowl as needed.

Add the eggs and vanilla and mix well, 1-2 minutes.

Add the flour and mix briefly until the flour is partly combined. Add the chocolate chips, peanut butter chips, caramel, M&Ms, and pecans. Stir with a wooden spoon or spatula (or mix very slowly with the electric mixer) until evenly combined.

Scoop out several tablespoons of cookie dough (I use a #40 cookie scoop) and roll into balls. They won't be perfectly round as all those add-ins will create some bumps. Don't stress. Press the top of each cookie ball into the chopped pretzels (and then lightly press the pretzels into the cookie dough to stick) and place the cookie dough balls several inches apart on the prepared baking sheets.

Bake for 9-11 minutes. These cookies stay fairly puffy (thanks to all the add-ins); for slightly flatter cookies, press them lightly into more of a disc-shape before baking or bake at 325 degrees F. If, for some reason, your cookies are flattening too much, try increasing the baking temperature to 375 degrees F.

Notes

The caramel balls I'm talking about in this recipe are the unwrapped soft caramel bits about the size of large chocolate chips sold by Kraft (usually in the baking aisle). When I haven't been able to find those, I unwrap soft caramels (either Kraft or Trader Joe's) and cut into pieces with a bench knife. It's a labor of love, but so worth it for these cookies!

Recommended Products

As an Amazon Associate and member of other affiliate programs, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Recipe Source: from Mel’s Kitchen Cafe (inspired from a recipe my sister-in-law, Erin, made for us in Montana this summer)

Disclaimer: I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

Posted on July 30, 2019 by Mel

Source: https://www.melskitchencafe.com/peanut-butter-kitchen-sink-cookies/

[additionallysad]

#131: The Surprising Side Effects Of Going TV Free http://bit.ly/2BAoHNd

We were both pretty shocked about the results of going completely without television for a while – especially Sherry. So today we’re sharing what we learned, what was hard, and the side effects that even we didn’t see coming. Not to mention the big question of how it will impact our viewing habits moving forward. We also tried a new paint picking method to see if it could solve a wall color conundrum at the beach house. Plus, Sherry updates you on her “tooth jail” sentence and I bask in the nerdy glory of pairing paint with geography.

You can download this episode from Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, TuneIn Radio, and Spotify – or listen to it below! Note: If you’re reading in a feed reader, you may have to click through to the post to see the player.

What’s New

There are some of the pink swatches we tested for the beach house living room (sorry the shot’s not great – it was a quick phone picture on a cloudy day). Those removable vinyl paint color decals above are from Clare and we got them for free using a discount code they were running on Twitter. They’re usually $2 each, but as of typing this I noticed there’s a “5 for $5 & free shipping” code at the top of their site.

Our original discussion of Clare Paint is in Episode #109 from last summer if you want to hear more about why it piqued our interest.

The three colors we got were Wing It, Baby Soft, and Rosé Season. And honestly, looking at the photos again I’m tempted to think they were better than we remember… but alas, it was pretty immediately clear in person that they weren’t 100% right.

And below is a picture of the package we got a few weeks ago from Backdrop, their competitor in the online paint space.

The four decal samples we bought (also $2 a piece) were Harajuku Morning, Rose Quartz, Modern Love (below) and Not So Delicate (above).

I didn’t get pictures of all of the swatches on the wall (we didn’t even put one of them up because it was clearly too dark) but this one view gives you a sense of how we’re trying to balance what works with the undertones of the chimney (and the gray trim) – so it’s kind of a tall order.

We haven’t gotten a good shot of our new couch in the beach house living room yet, but we’ll share a picture soon. It’s the Mellow Sofa from our furniture line, which is currently sold out (thank you guys!!) but we’re working on getting it back in stock.

We also used some “DIY” paint sample decals to pick the color at the duplex a while back. We talk about it more in this post, but here are the decals we used. You have to buy your paint samples separately and paint two coats onto the decals yourself – so it’s not a faster or cheaper process, but it’s great for choosing a color with confidence.

Lastly, if you’ve missed Sherry’s other Invasalign updates (rants?), here’s where you can catch up:

Getting them back in 2016 in Episode #20

Adding elastics to the fun in 2017 in Episode #62

Her “tooth jail” sentence getting extended well into 2018 in Episode #84

State Your Colors Quiz

Here’s where you can find all of the State Your Colors paint trios that Sherwin Williams puts together:

And it turns out my suggestion of Chesapeake for Virginia is actually an exterior stain color and Sherry’s “made up” Dogwood White isn’t that far off – there’s a White Dogwood (that’s actually pink)!

TV Free Week

If you missed the original mention of a TV free experiment, it came up during our Joshua Becker interview in Episode #128.

Sherry also mentioned this Happy Salmon game we’ve been playing with our kids a lot this past week. We’ve also been hitting up Life Jr. and Tenzi.

You also may want to check out our post about cutting the cable (aka: ditching cable TV). In addition to saving us lots of money each year (around $1000!), it led to a lot of positive impacts on our viewing habits because not all of our regular shows were available in our new streaming package, so it was an opportunity to realize we didn’t really miss all of the TV we had been watching.

We’re Digging

Our furniture is on sale at Joss & Main this week (!!!) so if you’ve had your eye on anything in our line, this is a great time to snag it.

And if nothing else, it’s just been fun to see the random names Joss & Main gave everything. Liverman? Singita?? PREGLO?!?!

White Dining Chairs | Trestle Table

Diamond Chest | Arm Chair

And here’s the Radium Girls book that I read during our TV free week. I forgot to mention that the enraging part of the story is that these women were actually told radium was good for them when they were dipping it in their mouths.

And if you want to enjoy flossing like Sherry (she lives life on the edge, what can I say?), these are the floss picks she’s been weirdly into.

If you’re looking for something we’ve dug in a past episode, but don’t remember which show notes to click into, here’s a master list of everything we’ve been digging from all of our past episodes. You can also see all the books we’ve recommended on our Book Club page.

And lastly, a big thank you to Agility Bed for sponsoring this episode. During their Presidents’ Day sale, enter the code PRESIDENT at AgilityBed.com to get $150 off any size mattress plus a free pair of Therapedic TruCool Memory Foam Pillows!

Thanks for listening, guys!

*This post contains affiliate links*

The post #131: The Surprising Side Effects Of Going TV Free appeared first on Young House Love.

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#131: The Surprising Side Effects Of Going TV Free

We were both pretty shocked about the results of going completely without television for a while – especially Sherry. So today we’re sharing what we learned, what was hard, and the side effects that even we didn’t see coming. Not to mention the big question of how it will impact our viewing habits moving forward. We also tried a new paint picking method to see if it could solve a wall color conundrum at the beach house. Plus, Sherry updates you on her “tooth jail” sentence and I bask in the nerdy glory of pairing paint with geography.

You can download this episode from Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, TuneIn Radio, and Spotify – or listen to it below! Note: If you’re reading in a feed reader, you may have to click through to the post to see the player.

What’s New

There are some of the pink swatches we tested for the beach house living room (sorry the shot’s not great – it was a quick phone picture on a cloudy day). Those removable vinyl paint color decals above are from Clare and we got them for free using a discount code they were running on Twitter. They’re usually $2 each, but as of typing this I noticed there’s a “5 for $5 & free shipping” code at the top of their site.

Our original discussion of Clare Paint is in Episode #109 from last summer if you want to hear more about why it piqued our interest.

The three colors we got were Wing It, Baby Soft, and Rosé Season. And honestly, looking at the photos again I’m tempted to think they were better than we remember… but alas, it was pretty immediately clear in person that they weren’t 100% right.

And below is a picture of the package we got a few weeks ago from Backdrop, their competitor in the online paint space.

The four decal samples we bought (also $2 a piece) were Harajuku Morning, Rose Quartz, Modern Love (below) and Not So Delicate (above).

I didn’t get pictures of all of the swatches on the wall (we didn’t even put one of them up because it was clearly too dark) but this one view gives you a sense of how we’re trying to balance what works with the undertones of the chimney (and the gray trim) – so it’s kind of a tall order.

We haven’t gotten a good shot of our new couch in the beach house living room yet, but we’ll share a picture soon. It’s the Mellow Sofa from our furniture line, which is currently sold out (thank you guys!!) but we’re working on getting it back in stock.

We also used some “DIY” paint sample decals to pick the color at the duplex a while back. We talk about it more in this post, but here are the decals we used. You have to buy your paint samples separately and paint two coats onto the decals yourself – so it’s not a faster or cheaper process, but it’s great for choosing a color with confidence.

Lastly, if you’ve missed Sherry’s other Invasalign updates (rants?), here’s where you can catch up:

Getting them back in 2016 in Episode #20

Adding elastics to the fun in 2017 in Episode #62

Her “tooth jail” sentence getting extended well into 2018 in Episode #84

State Your Colors Quiz

Here’s where you can find all of the State Your Colors paint trios that Sherwin Williams puts together:

And it turns out my suggestion of Chesapeake for Virginia is actually an exterior stain color and Sherry’s “made up” Dogwood White isn’t that far off – there’s a White Dogwood (that’s actually pink)!

TV Free Week

If you missed the original mention of a TV free experiment, it came up during our Joshua Becker interview in Episode #128.

Sherry also mentioned this Happy Salmon game we’ve been playing with our kids a lot this past week. We’ve also been hitting up Life Jr. and Tenzi.

You also may want to check out our post about cutting the cable (aka: ditching cable TV). In addition to saving us lots of money each year (around $1000!), it led to a lot of positive impacts on our viewing habits because not all of our regular shows were available in our new streaming package, so it was an opportunity to realize we didn’t really miss all of the TV we had been watching.

We’re Digging

Our furniture is on sale at Joss & Main this week (!!!) so if you’ve had your eye on anything in our line, this is a great time to snag it.

And if nothing else, it’s just been fun to see the random names Joss & Main gave everything. Liverman? Singita?? PREGLO?!?!

White Dining Chairs | Trestle Table

Diamond Chest | Arm Chair

And here’s the Radium Girls book that I read during our TV free week. I forgot to mention that the enraging part of the story is that these women were actually told radium was good for them when they were dipping it in their mouths.

And if you want to enjoy flossing like Sherry (she lives life on the edge, what can I say?), these are the floss picks she’s been weirdly into.

If you’re looking for something we’ve dug in a past episode, but don’t remember which show notes to click into, here’s a master list of everything we’ve been digging from all of our past episodes. You can also see all the books we’ve recommended on our Book Club page.

And lastly, a big thank you to Agility Bed for sponsoring this episode. During their Presidents’ Day sale, enter the code PRESIDENT at AgilityBed.com to get $150 off any size mattress plus a free pair of Therapedic TruCool Memory Foam Pillows!

Thanks for listening, guys!

*This post contains affiliate links*

The post #131: The Surprising Side Effects Of Going TV Free appeared first on Young House Love.

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