#i think its good to sometimes read something that you hate. so you can articulate why you hate it and examine your own moral code

[bananonbinary]

Wait when did you defend simulated child porn?

they're talking about the fact that i am pro- any type of fiction existing. i think that there's many reasons you could want to write about a topic, and any given work could be handled well or poorly. if someone wants to write about something very taboo and fucked up, something that would be obviously harmful and bad in reality, i would judge that work on its own merits instead of assuming its just evilbad because it contains the Bad Thing. (also like...even if it is actually handled poorly....i dont really care that much. there's a lot of bad fiction out there that is just so shitty and offensive. i trust people to read it and go "wow that was really shitty and offensive not gonna read that again." orrrrrr i'll make a rant about why it sucks on tumblr dot net and call it a day lol)

also like. i think fiction about child sexual assault probably would HELP the conversation in the long run, because i hate the concept of "taboo topics." we need to be able to have frank discussions about this crime, the harm it causes, the forms it takes, and harm-reduction, and we can't do that if every fictional thought exercise immediately gets you branded a predator.

[ohnoitstbskyen]

I know it would probably bring a lot of hate comments but I am begging you to roast the hazbin character designs because I'd love to have someone properly articulate why they don't work so I could send it to people who won't believe me when I tell them. 🫠 Understandable if you don't want to get into it though.

I don't think there's that much there to roast, honestly?

Those designs are clearly an extremely specific stylistic choice, and because that style is consistent throughout the show, it ultimately feels coherent with itself.

There are trade-offs being made. Because Hazbin's design style is SO stylized and so heavy on decoration and detailing, because it puts a lot of emphasis on costuming, it isn't as good at communicating specific character storytelling as a more grounded style could be (it's kind of the same tradeoff that stuff like Genshin Impact makes).

Like, why does Sir Pentious' hat have an eye and a mouth on it that makes its own expressions? Apparently not for very much reason at all, except that Pentious has a bit of an eyes-motif going on in his design and it was one more place to put an extra eye. And that's a valid criticism of his design, but also the entire show is designed like that, so frankly it would be weirder and more out of place if his design alone didn't have that kind of overelaborate decoration going on.

It does create a situation where I have a hard time "reading" the character designs sometimes. For example, Vox, Alastor and Pentious all wear a similar style of suit with upwards-turned shoulders, butterflies and pinstripes. Now, am I meant to read that as Vox imitating Alastor due to his crippling need to replace and outdo him, and Pentious imitating the style of powerful Overlords because he thinks that possessing their level of power will finally give him relief from his paranoia and self-loathing?

Or is it just a design fixation of the creator who keeps putting their characters in suits because that's just what they like? I can't really be sure, because sometimes design elements are used to intentionally tell stories about how characters relate to themselves, their world and one another, but plenty of other times designs look the way they do Because Of Vibes.

But again, that lack of clarity is clearly an intentional trade-off - and the benefit of that trade-off is a design style that is extremely varied, wild, expressive and memorable. Hazbin Hotel seems like a very easy show to draw fanart of, and a very fun show to draw fanart of. Those designs (especially the hyper-expressive faces) are begging to be the subjects of traumatic headcanons, unbearably cotton-candy soft fluff fantasies and weird, taboo, homoerotic power dynamics. Slaps roof of character design, this bad boy can express so much vicarious emotional intensity.

It's very exuberant, very excited about itself and very self-indulgent, it's a style that prioritizes visual impact and visual interest over readability (something which the animators of the show navigate with real skill, props to them) and individual aesthetics over worldbuilding.

And I don't blame anyone for being turned off by that (I certainly was the first time I started seeing those designs going around), but I would struggle to call the show's designs "bad" when they are clearly achieving exactly what they want to achieve.

I have some criticisms, especially re: how the show treats skinny bodies as an unquestioned, desirable default, and employs fatness as a means of alienating and abjecting the audience. That sucks very badly, and is a serious disappointment, and one of the few places where the show feels like it is being cowardly in its design philosophy. But I don't have it in me to do some kind of Hazbin Hotel Sucks And Here's Why takedown, its problems are not unique or extreme enough to warrant it, at least not as I currently understand them.

[ewaneneollav]

everyone has multiple different kinds of intelligence in them

i think theres a variety of intelligence that likes to hash everything out in words good & strive for clarity

it has its uses but it is flawed too so it shouldnt be the only one

you can read david hume immanuel kant soren kierkegaard georg hegel jacques lacan if you want to you just dont have to to prove to yourself youre an adult willing to tackle the responsibility of figuring out whats up with reality & stuff you can just want to, if youre hunkering down to be serious dont forget to see it as a specific mode so “true reality” isnt transfigured into smeary black-on-white old type & you live there

so im sitting there trying to write a message

by default i try to write with as much clarity & syntax as i can with certain flairs of deviation that spark something into it that i cant get across otherwise

its by default. its become an unconscious process

but im sitting there trying to write a message & i want to try abating that & not striving for whatever it is i usually do with words. i want to give a different intelligence a chance to have the words as its vehicle

(i dont know the name of the intelligence that encourages me to pick one intelligence over another so that the former has a time to shine. it manages the others)

im struggling & deliberating over how much detail or clarity i should write with

since by default i try to write with detail, it means letting the other intelligence have a voice will consist of coming up with the same words & paring it down

grimly i can feel it; i’m calculating the application of less detail. calculating. i want to know which words should be included, i am scrutinizing which clauses are too much, too freezing & un-for-tun-ate-ly ar-tic-u-la-ting - free-zing

the alternate intelligence i’m trying to let speak is not here. if it was here then it’d just be happening, i’d write its statement

what’s happening is my words-intelligence is trying to approximate the other-intelligence with its words

(i dont know the name of the intelligence that encourages me to pick one over another, but it seems ive fooled it, given it a fake difference instead of a true one thats different in essence. now ive wised up to my own trick. but i dont know where to go now. it might just come when it comes)

​

@aloe-verity :

hi hope your day is going ok.  re: your recent post 775114038474620928 i wanted to say i think that i get it, and changing the medium of the words might help (like writing in a notebook instead or something), and/or changing the conditions of the words’ existence (like how a tumblr post is intended to be viewed by others).  in my experience not all intelligences are immediately comfortable with being seen and privacy can mean a lot.  also, while i certainly recognize and appreciate the ability to use words at all—if words aren’t working out, offering a different intelligence a different medium of expression entirely might also be worth a shot.  from there i have often found that there is more internal understanding afterward.  words might not always be more wanted than actions, etc.  i do also think you’re right that it’ll happen when it happens

hate to be the guy giving strangers advice on the internet + obviously it’s chill if this is not valuable to you and i don’t expect a response or anything, i just really related to the experience of trying to let another voice speak and struggling to disengage the incredibly precise language/filtration/calculation habits. articulation is a gift and sometimes i want the receipt. hope you take care

[crystalelemental]

I've been hitting a mild rut with Pokemon, while simultaneously retreating into familiar comfort games that won't really challenge me much, but I'm also feeling kinda stagnant.  My initial thought was "I should pick up another Etrian Odyssey game!"  And then I didn't.  But while looking for options, I realized...while I'm doing better with the Switch, I really do not branch out at all.

For clarification: the entirety of both my DS and 3DS library of physical games?  Pokemon, Etrian Odyssey, and Fire Emblem.  That is literally all I own, barring like two games.  Even the GBA carts are all just Pokemon Gen 3 and Fire Emblem 7.  I barely owned Wii or WiiU games, with most of them just being Zelda.  I think I have maybe five WiiU games total.

The Switch catalogue has a lot more variety going for it, more than I've probably ever had in my life.  But I still find it hard, sometimes, to branch out.  Part of that is finance, I don't necessarily want to spend on new games.  There was one that the art caught my attention in the news, and when I went to check it out it was fucking $80.  I am not paying that for a game.  It also went on to talk about your male protagonist despite all the box art being female characters, so honestly just fuck that.

With Echoes of Wisdom, I do think I've kind of identified part of the problem as "not wanting to feel stuck."  One streamer I watch talked about how the mobile market and console games competing directly with them has led to a higher rate of instant gratification and people can't sit with discomfort and frustration anymore, and...there may be some truth to that.  Granted, I was never particularly good with it, but I can feel when I'm playing an unfamiliar game and encounter something I don't immediately understand, my instinct is to jump straight for the guide.  I did that around four times with EoW, but there was one situation where I didn't and figured out the puzzle and felt super clever.  It's more rewarding, but it's time consuming, and I am covetous of my time, even if I don't do the most with it.

And what this results in is an aversion to trying out something new.  That's potentially going to eat a lot of time and what if I don't like it?  I wasted my time then, didn't I?  Because that's never happened before.  I certainly didn't have a phase playing and reading stuff I knew I would hate just to get mad at it.  So what's the issue taking a chance on something that might be good?  It is the lack of assurance?  If I know I'll hate it, at least I went in knowing what to expect, I guess.

In another direction, part of the issue is not really knowing what I enjoy.  Genre in games is already hard to define, but it makes it incredibly challenging to know how to articulate what I like, and what might land well.

Like, okay, I like Pokemon.  Maybe other monster catching games are good?  Nexomon was a knockout success (though not entirely because of monster catching), but I didn't care much for Cassette Beasts, and every Digimon game has been a resounding miss for me.  Nexomon was just a fun story, and Pokemon is nostalgia so it succeeds in spite of its horrid flaws.

But hey, that streamer calls Pokemon an adventure game primarily.  Maybe what you need is more adventure games?  Maybe.  But that's Zelda, and modern Zelda I do not like at all.  The open-world approach isn't fun, and I don't actually like tricky or punishing combat systems I have to be good at in real time. I wouldn't know what else to look for, considering my dislike for active systems in most scenarios. Do not test my reaction speed, it is bad.

Well, what about Fire Emblem, then?  Maybe you really like tactics games?  Maybe.  But if it weren't for Unicorn Overlord, I'd say the entire genre outside of FE sucked.  Triangle Strategy was awful in pretty much every direction, and even Tactics Ogre, which I had on good authority is one of the Big Names for strategy, felt so slow and offputting that I put it down after maybe two hours.  I know the ongoing joke is that FE sucks and even its fans hate it, but I legitimately think they're the only tolerable strategy games to me.

So okay, what about Etrian Odyssey?  Maybe you like dungeon crawlers?  This...might actually be the dead ringer, depending on difficulty.  I haven't played many, but I really enjoy EO (games 3 onward, anyway), and the one attempt at another in Class of Heroes did land favorably for CoH2, at least, despite some chatter about how the games don't get tolerable until 3.  I dunno, I thought it had personality.  I'd play 2 again.  I think it's just a question of how difficult others would actually be, because consistently, I hear feedback of "The game is super hard and will kick your ass," and I am admittedly easily intimidated by the prospect of difficulty I can't adjust.

But there are other aspects.  What about the Atelier games, you loved them even if you fell off after Shallie.  Ryza is rare and expensive so I've had some trouble there, but we tried Rune Factory 5 and it was...fine?  More importantly, the structure of these games gets me so obsessed that I'm in an actively worse mood when I am working.  I can basically only play them during breaks, or I am Miserable.

What about Final Fantasy?  Maybe you need more story-centric RPGs?  ...actually, maybe I do need more story-centric RPGs, post cancelled, anyone have Switch recommendations?  Bonus points if it's a female lead.

I think I just.  Struggle.  Sometimes.  To find things that I feel like would be to my taste.  I want to branch out, but I think I am often intimidated out of trying.  I don't really know what I want.

[soft-pine]

I've been watching supernatural for the first time, and recently watched Monster Movie. At first I enjoyed it but found it a bit substanceless. But it kept echoing in my head, and I've changed my mind. I've decided this episode is actually one of the pillars of 'Dean's performance vs genuine self.' Because. Okay at the beginning, Dean and the monster want the same thing, right? Dean says as they drive into town that he wants a simple black-and-white case. The monster wants the simplicity of (classic black and white) film. At the end Dean reiterates that he understands the monster's desire for the simplicity of films.

But. The shifter doesn't get what he wants in the end. He thinks he can change the film's ending, but it hurtles to its foregone conclusion: 'Mina' hates him, he dies. Dean meanwhile—well he does get everything he wants, right? There's no conflict with Sam, the heroes win, Dean's being a hunter and saving people, they're at an October Fest full of attractive people, beer, and food, all of which he has time to engage with, he 'gets the girl'. (His whole arc with Jamie especially stands out, because the way it goes down—he sees an attractive woman, he flirts with her, she responds positively, he prioritizes sex with her over the case, they have sex—he's always claiming that's the normative arc of how he engages with woman, but this is literally the first time in the show it has ever cleanly followed those beats, especially him prioritizing sex over a case). So yeah—in terms of Dean's performace of himself, the desires he claims as his prioritries, this was perfect for him.

And then at the end he just out and says that if he was picking a movie to be in, it wouldn't be that one. He literally flat out was given everything he loudly proclaims that he wants and then said in words 'that's not what I want'.

Hi! thanks for sending in this ask! i think you're picking up on something really interesting here. i love shifter episodes and what they reveal about dean. for example, 1.06 is an example of dean and the shifter wanting the same thing but going about it totally differently. so i'm really interested in the way, as you articulate, this episode is about them both being unhappy with the kind of narrative they're forced to inhabit.

i also really like the point about the contrast between what dean sometimes acts like he wants regarding women and hunting (hero gets the girl etc) versus what he actually does. because yeah! dean never ever leverages his position as savior or w/e in order to pressure someone to have sex and i think that's great!

it also makes me think about what dean talks to jaime about...

JAMIE: That must suck. I mean, you're giving up your life for this terrible... I don't know, responsibility. DEAN: Last few years, I started thinking that way, and, uh, it started sort of weighing on me. Of course, that was before... A little while ago, I had this – let’s call it a near-death experience. Very near. And, uh, when I came to... things were different. My life's been different. I realize that I help people. Not just help them, though. I save them. I guess it's -- it's awesome. It's kind of like a gift... like a mission. Kind of like a... a mission from God.

because this too is about him seeing himself as a role within a narrative? and i think to a large extent season 4 is dean trying to wrestle with his mistrust of angels and god with his trauma from hell and feeling like maybe he's being given a good purpose? (idk how spoilery to get bc you said you're watching for the first time!)

given all of that i think it's interesting that the movie he does talk about wanting to be in is a movie about destroying a KKK chapter via a sort of honeypot scheme. which one can read incredibly deeply into if one wants to (i.e. dean's hate for racists and also his experience playing along in sexualized situations).

i really really like jamie monstermovie and the fic chapter i wrote about this episode delved a little bit into dean's need to keep up that performance and also both dean and jamie being able to decompress (non sexually) from the intensity of that experience together.

sorry this is really a ramble! but it's a very interesting episode i think and i love the thread you've pulled out and identified here!

[lucky-draws]

scholarly article: maria silent hill.

uhhmm i feel like ive got a lot of maria thoughts that have been floating in my head for ages and they need to escape captivity. this isn't structured analysis though this is just me trying to explain why i like her in a rambling and disorganised manner. (and sort of hoping it might help me to do some art or something.)

the obvious thing that makes maria such an interesting character is that she's not Real...she's the product of james' imagination (at least, that's one interpretation..) ...she's an idea, a symbolism, a hallucination, a ghost, whatever. but in born from a wish, you get to play as her, you get to hear her thoughts, you experience her and she feels as "real" as any other playable character, and it's like. its just so so good, because she's a self-aware unalive girl and there's so much to explore regarding her sense of self, and her sense of identity. like.

she has no past, no memories. or does she? does she have mary's memories, or tastes, or habits, or was she "born" as a blank slate? there's so many different ways to think of her, but in the case of her being a product of james' mind as a kind of idealised version of mary/expression of his sexual repression, i like to think that some of james' desires manifest in her, like maybe she has this kind of restless energy, a restless hunger/desire that she can't really control or finds it hard to suppress. idk its hard to articulate. ( listen to sister of night by depeche mode if you like because that is a song that makes me think hoh....this is maria ! )

and the whole thing of her knowing that she only exists in james mind/because of james. she tries to cling on to him, tries to convince him that "i'm always here for you, james!" because she knows that as a figment of his imagination, if he decides he doesn't want her anymore, she will just cease to exist. james is her "creator" basically. she's at his mercy.which is a horrible and tasty dynamic. and i just enjoy the whole thing of can she break free of him; can she break free of her connection to him, to mary, can she develop thoughts and feelings and desires that are entirely her own. could she become a "real" person. does she want to? she knows she's a ghost; but when she decides not to kill herself, is that out of a desire to live or resignation to the fact that she can't die? she's an incredibly lonely character.

(also if you've ever seen tarkovskys solaris or read the book maybe you will understand me when i compare her to the character of hari i.e. an apparition/hallucination who possibly becomes/believes she becomes real. idk. unalive girls who become alive even though its sort of not possible. i just enjoy them. )

i also have a very specific sort of canon-divergence flavour of idea related to the rebirth ending and in a sort of maria x mary way; my vague imagining is that james succeeds in bringing mary back to life, through the ancient Powers of the town or whatever. but there's a catch, so to speak; maybe the town demands that for a life to be reborn, a life has to be taken, and so james um. conveniently for shipping purposes. dies. but mary lives, and so does maria, because the mysterious and tricky town considers her to be inseperable from mary/kind of the same person, so they both end up alive and in silent hill. which opens up so many issues like. how does maria come to terms with looking at someone who is her copy (and vice versa.).

does mary even want to be alive? maybe she isn't "properly" alive; maybe she's just a ghost like maria. maybe james isn't really dead; maybe they're both existing as products of both his imagination and the town's influence; either way, now there's two unalive girls in an empty, monster-filled town. and it's like do they hate each other are they just sad ghosts together do they have gay sex sometimes we just dont know. i wanted/still kind of want to write fic about this idea in some form or other but so far i just haven't really managed to find time or braincells but maybe i still can at some point.

of course, there are other ways of interpreting maria; i've seen the theory that actually, she's the product of mary's desires; she's who mary wants to be, an idealised mary who isn't sick. and maybe she felt some kind of repression or opression being with james. and it certainly fits the "born from a wish" title very well; a wish to be healthy, a wish to be free. who knows. that idea is equally tasty and fascinating, really, but i only have room in my tiny mind for one interpretation so im kind of just leaning for now towards her being born from james' mind intstead . so uhm.

conclusion: she's just so so fascinating to me and she rotates in the back of my mind 24/7. i love sh2 and i looove born from a wish its sooo interesting to be able to play as someone like maria.

also she's sexy .

the end.

[sleepy-vix]

What makes you enjoy literature so much, and do you think it's something important to learn about?

ooh i enjoy literature for many reasons, and i'd love to talk abt the reasons :D i love literature bc:

it's a form of escapism for me. as someone who always feel guilty for being alive, i like to disappear into the life of somebody else so when i come back to reality i can face it with a new perspective and a calmer mind

it's so interesting to me to read so many different types of characters and personalities and mindsets. i'm really interested in psychology but i'm not good at talking to real peoole so i make that up by reading about people (not really "people" since characters are fictional and ofc dont fully reflect irl people, but its interesting nonetheless to see representations of different reactions to certain situations)

i like to find myself amongst characters. as someone who feels constantly alienated from the people immediately around me, i obviously seek understanding and representation- i want to see someone else feel the same way as i do. i know i can probably just "get out into the world" and "talk to more people" if i want to find people who think the way i do, but i find that it's so much easier and more fun to find myself in book characters (it's also definitely way less stressful, and sometimes i get to see my unknown feelings articulated perfectly into a sentence! it's like my own feelings are explained to me sometimes when i find a character who is like me)

i hate the idea that all i will ever be is a cog in the machine of life, in this gigantic universe that never ever seems to end. of course i have accepted my fate, since i'm largely a realist, and i've never been very ambitious (i strive for good grades but i can't envision myself past that), but it's still a thought that makes me want to die. everything seems so hopeless. that's why i like it so much when i can read a book and enter a world where so many things are possible- literally anything is possible. it makes the repetitive lull of real life a little less depressing when i can escape said real life indulge my imagination.

hmm i think thats all for now actually. maybe i'll add to this later. i really loved this ask, thank you :)

i'd love to hear your thoughts too, if you also love literature?

seriously. i rlly want to hear other people's reasons for liking literature. 🙏

[yonemurishiroku]

I think another thing to note is that a lot of the TSATS negativity stems mainly from users on tumblr. I’ve been on twitter & Tik tok and the reaction seems to be overwhelmingly positive. Like the first few days the book came out, seeing tumblr reactions versus other platforms was literally like night and day. I’ve even seen some ppl say they cried a lot or that it’s their fav PJO book! (Which is a surprising but whatever 😭) I have seen some criticisms on the other platforms, sometimes about the writing quality or OOC-ness or being underwhelming, but it still wasn’t all terribly negative. The only place I’ve seen VERY VERY harsh vitriol is on here, and I’m not sure why. personally I thought TSATS was okay and I have my own criticisms, but honestly I have that with every PJO-verse book. Imo some of the takes I’ve seen here are valid, but some are also really really mean and honestly a tad overdramatic, but idk why or what it is about tumblr. I think I’ll stay away from here for a while when chalice comes out.

This ask is from May 18th, I'm so sorry for the delayed replies. 😭😭😭 It got caught in a mess for quite a while aksdkdakj---

Ok. So.

You're saying that most of the negative reviews come from Tumblr whereas TikTok and Twitter give mostly good feedback. I think I can offer a few explanations about this.

Tl,dr:

Tumblr allows long posts, whereas Twitter and TikTok have a length-wise limit to their content.

Tumblr is more fandom-centered, a much more suitable place to rant in a book of a franchise.

Tumblr has a different approach, which enables different types of posts to come across you, unlike Twitter.

(Please keep in mind that I don't use TikTok, so most of this would be assumptions based on my limited knowledge about the platform. I have a Twitter account though)

Now. The first point is quite clear. Tumblr doesn't have any limitations to whatever you post on the site (or at least that limit exceeds normal people's capacity of writing/reading per post ajsdhakjdhak), which enables you to give long, complicated, detailed essays on a certain topic.

Which is the best fit if you want to criticize something.

Because unlike complimenting something, when you criticize it, you'd need to give a reason for how and why it is bad (in your opinion). To compliment something, you might just need to say simple things like "OMG I LOVE IT" "This is so adorable I might cry" etc...

Adding to that: sometimes it's just easier to list what you dislike, you know? 🤣🤣🤣 I mean. When you hate something, you'd find it very easy to focus on its flaws to dissect, which results in many rants. Whereas when you love something, you just... love it. Not mentioning sometimes you can find it hard to articulate said love.

In Twitter's case: Twitter has a character limit, which hinders people's need to rant. This appears unsuitable when you want to rant about st in dissatisfaction. Although, it'd be pretty good if you're overwhelmed with love and want to flood the complimenting post with memes.

Yes, there're people writing a whole long ass thread on Twitter. But again, with Tumblr alr providing a function, it's understandable which one would prefer.

TikTok, in addition to having a length cap on their videos - which acts roughly the same as Twitter's character limit, allows only video format. This is just a hypothesis, but I suspect people might be discouraged by the idea of making, filming, and editing a video about something they don't like - rather than just... writing it down. I find the second choice much easier.

Similar to the above, Tumblr is more fandom-centered. The app is literally advertised as for Fandoms and Creators.

When you want to share an opinion on a certain topic, you'd go for those who at least have a semblance of whatever you're talking about, right?

Tumblr is created for fandoms and has its own tag system. This makes it easier when you're targeting a certain group of enjoyers. I doubt that Twitter and TikTok, while having their own tagging systems, would be more effective than Tumblr. (Ppl on Twt rarely use tags when it comes to fandoms......)

Different approaches.

Tumblr, as far as I know, filters content by tag. Which means that if you look into the The sun and the star tag, you'd see everything related to it. If you like something from it, chances are you'd get recommended another post in said tag, regardless of what it is about. Including conflicting opinions.

On Twitter, on the other hand, if you want to see a certain topic, chances are you'd need to:

1/ Follow someone who's active on said topic. Generally, you would go for someone you like/ share some of your sentiments/ you vibe with to follow right? Hence, chances are they would share the same view as you.

2/ Search for the tag. But I doubt people would use tag for this book.

3/ Search for any other keywords. This runs the risk of missing content, which might or might not include the criticizing post.

Of course: This^^ relies heavily on my predictions and assumptions of your engagement. It might not apply that well.

All in all, it all comes down to whether and where people choose to express themselves. I have a Twitter and a Tumblr, and I choose to deliver most of my PJO content on Tumblr. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ You don't see me criticizing on Twt, but I'm def there.

About Chalice though, I don't think you need to worry lol. TSATS has its problems because it focuses on already controversial topics and is put on a pedestal before release, so people tend to be more extreme. Chalice, on the other hand, afaik, is about another average quest by Percy? It's not that... extreme, I mean, and there's hardly and complicated plot. I think of it more as a side story, really. So maybe you don't have to worry that much? lol i do hope so. 😂😂

[donnerpartyofone]

I'm not going to make any empty threats of deleting or even taking a break, I think at this point it's actually too late for me to ever reach escape velocity, but Tumblr is driving me fucking crazy lately. I keep thinking of different ways of articulating the problem/s and then I don't type them out because they start spiraling out into this convoluted system of caveats and disclaimers, which is actually a big problem in and of itself. There's that Simpsons joke from like the year one where Marge is suggesting baby names and Homer keeps thinking of insulting rhymes that other kids could make, and then *hilariously* he can't think of anything mean that someone might rhyme with "Bart" so that's what they pick; sometimes making a post on Tumblr feels exactly like that, like you have to cycle through every single possible negative reaction or exception someone might come up with--and maybe even if you really don't care, part of your brain is still habituated to waiting for the moment that someone comes up with a really stupid obnoxious misunderstanding of your very clear and/or innocent personal statement, and very often that's exactly what you get. The right choice is to not let this control you, but it can instill this state of frustration and paranoia just the same that makes posting less fun in general. But, as suggested, this is just one of many problems that I am (wisely, I hope) preventing myself from listing in too much detail. Like. It can feel important, nay, obligatory to help circulate urgent political information, and yet Tumblr is pretty much proven to be the worst place to receive and discuss political information; no matter what you do it feels like it's too much, or not enough, or both. Or like, I feel like I'm in a rut and I think that it's time to diversify and follow more different kinds of people, and then I realize I'm starting to feel pissed off and anxious all day because my dash is flooded with stuff that I don't want to see; I make myself stop every time and ask Who is posting this because I should just unfollow them, but then it's like...oh, that person posts nice nature photos 70% of the time, oh I actually like that guy as a person, oh that one is a good source of info on [x] so I just have to be patient with their bullshit...and then it's like, I let all these guys in and I can't figure out how to get rid of them anymore because I myself am making excuses for them. And I mean sometimes the people creating the noise are actually posting interesting and rational arguments about [y] and I theoretically want to read them, but they're contributing to this nightmarishly contentious and fraught atmosphere in my brain and I realize that I'm losing track of what I was ever even doing here in the first place.

For the first several years this was a place I came to hoard media and express myself, mainly for my own amusement, and I also found this little community of people who had some shared interests but who were all individually unique, and it was really fun and cool. And like during those same exact years there was bullshit going on in other parts of Tumblr that I could never care about AND that I didn't even have to know about! For various reasons of mass and volume or whatever it was still possible to really manicure your dash and not constantly be within two degrees of separation from something you hate, posted by someone you wouldn't give the time of day to. And I know I have to take responsibility for what I've done to my own situation here, I'm the one who is in control of who I follow/block/etc, but I guess for me it just became really easy to let this get out of control and I'm not sure how often I'm even enjoying myself anymore. This used to be an escapist activity to distract from IRL tortures, and now it just feels like its own, separate form of torture a lot of the time. I feel constantly bombarded by people screaming out their bad taste, or screaming in each other's faces, or both, and it's just stressing me out. And I don't know if everyone perceives this, but it also feels to me like the personalities are gone, the individual voices are extremely rare; most people all talk the same now, they're all mindlessly repeating the same punchlines and imitating the same cadence and phrasing that worked for some popular user, and I don't even have the same sense of Tumblr being full of freaks and weirdos. Even the trolls all sound the same, there's like this suffocating conformity going on and it seems to be what people aspire to because their main purpose for being here is a fantasy of abject public acceptance.

I mean don't worry, I "touch grass", I literally stop and smell the roses, I ride my bike, I have some friends, I do activities. That's not necessarily the problem. It's just Tumblr, like how did I even let it get like this. I think there's a pretty good chance I'll start a Neocities site, but I'm pretty sure that what will happen is that I'll be cross-posting here, and then I'll still be here checking out interactions and stuff, and nothing will change. But who knows, maybe I'll like co-host or whatever and I'll finally be able to make myself stop complaining. Stay tuned, if you enjoy this sort of thing.

I've asked this before and I'm sure I'll ask it again, but do you/have you used any of the proposed Tumblr alternatives and do you like any of them?

[tottymatsuno]

I just wanna say despite all the jokes about Totty hating me it's 100% canon he is a (male)wife guy and my is equally in love with me.

[mimzalot]

started streaming Golden Wildfire! gonna reflect on the route as it unfolds, courtesy of your resident Claude enthusiast.

CURRENTLY PLAYING: Chapter 4

[document version]

if Three Houses glossed over the sort of wild situation that Claude has to survive every day in Garreg Mach then this route has started with a bang by opening with conflict at the Fodlan-Almyran border. bold move! and I certainly am endlessly curious about this impending intrigue - in fact I have spent the last four years (four years!) since Three Houses musing about Claude’s relationship to his home nations, and the nations’ relationships to one another, and what that conflict means for Claude and everybody else.

do I trust the writers with it? not really. am I gonna try and play it in good faith anyway? evidently. so let’s get into it~ 🏹

right off the bat I can tell there’s stuff in this route that’s gonna make me uncomfortable, sometimes in the fascinating and deliberate way, and sometimes in the “oh I feel like an accomplice to/victim of a hate-crime” way. this is not really a surprise when it comes to Fire Emblem but it deserves a mention regardless, as I think Golden Wildfire’s going to be a rollercoaster that will frustrate me as much as it intrigues me. I’ll have the additional challenge of having to articulate how I feel about it off the dome, as a biracial POC playing to a mixed-bag stream audience. so, in short: occasional yikes are inevitable.

but such is the price I pay for Claude. ahh Claude, my beloved. when first I played Three Houses I was drawn to the game by him, not expecting him to be everything I enjoyed in a character. other than just being generally *chefs kiss* impeccable, he also conveyed some nuanced mixed-race experiences rarely expressed in a lot of media I’ve engaged with. that he sprouted from a game that frequently overshoots its own political intrigue and bungles character resolutions like FE3H surprised me, but I was happy to pluck the fluff and dirt off my darlings and make the best of what had been provided -- a bizarrely relatable, endlessly complex nice young man having a terrible, no good, very bad time.

I already got a whiff of this from playing Scarlet Blaze first, and it’s vindicating to see Three Hopes elaborate on something I’ve been clawing at walls trying to convey since the first game: Claude is light-hearted, but his situation is not. it always blew my mind to hear people say that Claude was the “good vibes house leader” in 3H only to play the game and find a character that would flippantly laugh about threats on his life, occasionally mention that he exists at the hostile junction of two warring nations, and ultimately find himself in the impossible position of an anti-war leader operating during a war. across two nations. both warring. yes, yes, he’s quite a funny guy, but his circumstances are abysmal, and a big part of that agony comes from the role he occupies -- that which he is saddled with, and that which he takes upon himself.

this was not a position easily occupied, and I was delighted to find that Claude was intelligently portrayed as a character whose ideals had to bend to the demands of leadership, resulting in morally-grey decisiveness, diplomatic juggling, and one of my favourite things to explore in fiction: the pragmatic, sometimes paradoxical pursuit of “non-violence” during war, and as a solution to war.

already in Three Hopes (I played SB first) I sense they’re leaning a little harder on showing Claude’s struggle with this, including some hints at the unbearably high bar he sets for himself. he doesn’t wear accountability like Dimitri or Edelgard in 3H - it’s always a little more cavalier, something you have to read between the lines to spot and understand. but this game is a tad more forthright with it, pulling back the disguise of “Master Tactician” to plainly show Claude in a perpetual state of, well... this:

and nothing exacerbates this like the situation they’ve started the game with. it’s dramatic irony that makes the first three chapters really sting: we know by now that Claude is Almyran, and are placed in an uncomfortable position of puttering around the camp listening to the people Claude calls his friends talking at length about the brutish Almyrans invading at Fodlan’s Throat.

this is technically good set-up. Claude is here to fix a problem, and this is our first experience of the problem -- lacking communication and education means that neither side knows who they’re fighting, or why, just that they have to. with the Church of Seiros already positioned as a questionable but overbearing presence in ch. 2 (“Why are we being sent here to fight? Church school said so.”) it begs to reason that showing the consequences of Fodlan’s intensely insulated culture starts with these uncomfortable scenes. they are, after all, born from the fear of not knowing. Claude as an antithesis to ignorance-based conflict makes a habit of overcoming fear by knowing everything.

so there are some pretty ick conversations happening around camp, and that’d honestly be something I’d be fine to reckon with as a narrative choice -- if not for the visceral discomfort and sharp drop in faith that came in the form of Shahid’s introductory scene.

let’s get this out the way: I did not spend four years mopping my tears about all these Lords and Royals to see Shahid and not immediately think “bratty king? I can fix him, and/or make him worse.” especially as a foil to Claude, it’s interesting to see a foolish heir working towards the throne in a way that Khalid, and perhaps even the King of Almyra, would oppose. I’m bracing myself for his justifications, for his humanity, because he occupies an interesting political position and he’s the first family of Claude’s that we’ve seen on screen. and yes, he could just be shallowly evil, but that wouldn’t be anywhere near as fun as it being complicated and ugly, the way all the other Lords and Leaders are afforded.

alas, it is difficult to have faith that GW is gearing up to say something interesting when they introduce such a caricature of the ‘evil desert guy’ that I feel like I’m watching a Disney movie. especially when a scene shows a narrow-eyed, ashy-but-darker-skinned ‘evil’ sibling in contrast with our bright-eyed, lighter-skinned mixed-Fodlanian Claude. it’s these sort of artistic choices that threaten to undercut the same cross-cultural intrigue that this route is constructing.

the Three Hopes sprites are a bit awkward, proportionally (shout out to Margrave Gautier’s bizarrely wide mouth) but it’s a long and yucky history with depicting MENA people that makes this particularly egregious. I’m Samoan so not personally affected by this, but it is nevertheless going to take an active effort to just try to look past the way his character is drawn. I spare a wince of sympathy for my viewers that are more personally affected: it sucks, and it’s such a simple fix that it becomes even more frustrating.

he does look slightly less like a hate crime in the animated cut scenes though. “the only one who can beat me is me!” type rizz.

I actually like that his features might deviate from the typical proportions of most of our main cast, the way Hubert’ or Lorenz’s do. it is a shame to have it pushed just into the realm of caricature when there is something workable there.

nevertheless, 3H optics have betrayed themselves before (shout out, woman-enjoyers). so again, I’m going to try and brute-force past this icky design choice and try and find my bliss, which is thus: sibling drama, please, I beg. I love the garbage mish-mash of family dysfunction and political drama that happens in royal families, and it was high time that we saw a glimpse at what Claude’s other side is going through. I swear the British monarchy convinced people that wild dysfunction is reserved only for the English, but where there is power there is corruption, and where there is hereditary power struggle, by jove do you get problems -- it’s just a matter of flavour.

all that to say: I am hoping that we will be compensated for that abysmal talk-sprite with enough royal family intrigue to write home about. I would like to see Almyran politics that are just as complex as everywhere else, but culturally diverse and interesting without leaning lazily on the same fear-mongering racist rhetoric that Claude’s entire character exists to debunk. that’s my hope. my three hope. ha ha. look I’m not holding out hope for a diamond, I just kinda want a gem-shaped rock that I can polish up myself.

anyway, new spite-induced meow meow aside, let’s get back to Claude. my god! his life fucking sucks!

thinkin about this scene just before the timeskip where Claude expresses his thanks to House Goneril, and apologises for not being of more assistance. it makes my skin crawl knowing that Claude is not just thanking Holst but saying sorry to him after all the micro-and-macro aggressions he’s been weathering, but it makes a lot of sense; Claude is representing House Riegan and his grandfather, not Khalid of Almyra, and not even Claude himself. and what that shows is an important feature of diplomacy: the ability to make connections, and say what needs to be said in order to maintain good relations with his new allies.

better than that, it shows how damn good Claude is at it, despite having every reason in the world not to be. he is, in this moment, House Riegan. and with foresight, this is an interview, and this humble apology operates twofold as a promise, setting the tone for his eventual leadership and securing House Goneril as an ally.

if Claude were more selfish, more proud, more emotional or less wise, he wouldn’t be able to say things like that. it is the humility that makes people underestimate him, but it’s also what makes him so pivotal in creating and maintaining peaceful circumstances. sometimes, peace-keeping means pacifying the people in power. and especially for Claude operating in the alliance, managing expectations is key for a leader. he’s clever, this is strategic, and I’m excited to see Claude juggle the egos and roles of all the nobles around him.

but it’s tough, right? this is a situation that rewards Claude for not behaving like a human ought to. I like to imagine the way his smile falters when the Almyrans are spoken of like barbarians, agitation ticking along in the back of his mind while he forces himself to speak the niceties that will benefit everyone in the long-run. he’s only seventeen. we hear a lot about noble obligation, but there is no greater pragmatic noble obligation in Leicester than managing the other nobles, and Claude has that skill in spades -- hard won, but effective, with an eventual payoff to make all that juggling worthwhile. sometimes. maybe.

speaking of noble obligations, good lord that bit where Lorenz snaps that they must execute Tomas and Claude has to remind him that dead men don’t talk... I’ll inevitably end up talking plenty about Lorenz as the game goes on because he is a fascinating foil, so remind me later to talk about the things that make Lorenz a good noble, bad leader, and eventual good ally later.

and on the topic of fascinating foils...

man. I was not expecting Shez.

for those unaware, my read of Claude in 3H was that he mostly saw Byleth as a curiosity pre-timeskip, then brought them on as a means to an end post-timeskip. room for interpretation about how they develop after that, but generally most of my Byleth and Claude interactions boiled down to this thinly-veiled hostility and how it evolved into apologetic manipulation and mutual care.

Shez is different, right off the bat. I can see Claude working them over, but there’s something very new about the vibes of Claude approaching a peer he finds suspect. it has the same echo of how he treated Byleth, and even Marianne, but there’s a difference that I can’t quite put my finger on, and I suspect it comes from Shez just being a much more talkative character, plus the dramatic irony of vaguely knowing where Shez’s story might be heading. they’re not harbouring the goddess, nor a cursed beast, but a secret third thing :’l (and god I’m so excited to see what’s up with Shez, they’ve been impressing me as a protag since I started this game, I don’t think I’ve liked a FE avatar this much since Robin)

the way I characterised Shez has him coming off a little arrogant and brash, compared to my previous Shez, who seemed mostly daft and down-to-earth and is currently committing girlboss crimes in Adrestia in an alt timeline. I’m so used to overlooking the avatar character that I hardly realised just how much potential Shez holds in this route, as a sellsword brought onto the squad of the guy that wants to avoid bloodshed. honestly I’m pretty astounded by the raw fire of intrigue it’s set alight in my brain. Shez thrived under Edelgard because they always had work. and now they’re struggling under Claude, and we’re seeing just how vile the war machine is that it will make peace an inconvenience to the merc economy.

just before I finished the stream, I played the opening scene of the timeskip: where Shez is struggling to make ends meet by being a mercenary in a peaceful alliance. therein lies the intrigue of this pair-up. Claude wants peace. Shez needs to fight to live. so how do we reconcile this?

already it seems that Claude mmmiiight have just deliberately forced scarcity on Shez in order to easily manipulate them into a) not moving into a different nation when Claude still doesn’t know what’s up with him and b) taking up his first offer of becoming a commander, which is exactly the morally dubious pragmatism that I love to see in my Alliance leader - but who’s to say? it’s not as if it’s the same method he used to flush out Bergliez’s army in the SB route, forcing their hand by starving their troops with hopes they’d choose surrender...

guess we’ll find out next time, eh? but oh, is my spotlight shining on these funny little guys.

and quickfire round: Nader’s still lookin’ handsome, love that Claude’s opinion of Shez rises every time I side-eye the church, and Arval continues to enthrall my entire brain.

and. yeah. that’s a majority of my first impressions of the GW route. not even all of them but this is like an entire essay and I’m only just past the prologue. tl;dr more of the same Claude goodness, something new and tense in Almyra lore, and then something new and unexpected in Shez. and we’ll see where the rest takes us.

thanks for reading, all the best!

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[harcove]

Well, i saw this on someone's else's tumblr and I wanted to see what you think Billy's reaction would be like.

Soulmate stuff, people see only in black and white until they saw their soulmate for the first time. It can be a glimpse, just a little something in the corner of the eye and BOOM! Colors.

The idea: billy saw his soulmate for the first time in the school hallway, lots of people, no idea who it is and he just gets punched in the face by colors and colors.

A/N: okay so I hope you read this because it's important to say I kinda took this in a direction that maybe was less fluff, more angst? Because I really feel Billy would not like the idea of being bound to someone he didn't pick- like another part of his life is controlled. I think there would be a lot of mixed feelings from him. As you'll see in what I wrote. So I hope this is okay! I'm sorry if you wanted some fluff 😔 i got carried away with my characterization of Billy ily anon AND ik u said like u wanted to see how I think he'd react which is what I'm doing I JUST FEEL BAD ITS NOT FLUFFY- ily

Pairing: Billy x soulmate!reader (no interactions)

Length: 1.3k

Warnings: angst, Billy is depressed tbh, Billy has complex contradictory emotions, mentions of abuse, self-hate kind of, no dialogue just text

Not A Soulmate - B.H.

Billy hated the idea of soulmates.

It was stupid, he didn't need a better or more articulate word to describe it because the simple word was good enough, it was exactly what he thought it was. Stupid.

Seeing everything in black and white suited him just fine. Why did it matter if he were to see colour or not? His entire life had been black and white, literally and figuratively. So he never yearned to see colour.

He didn't like the idea that there was something out there, maybe an other wordly being, trying to dictate who he was meant to be with. It was already enough that his own father kept his foot down on him at all times, pushing him around and hurting him, but now even the person he was "meant to be with" was decided for him too?

No one told Billy Hargrove what to do. Not outside of his home. That was when his life was his for a few fleeting hours.

To be frank, he was almost positive that he didn't have a soulmate anyways. He wasn't meant to be with anyone, and God forbid someone was meant to be with him.

It wasn't that he thought himself to be unattractive; he'd had relationships. He'd done things in a night with people that he'd never talk to again about it. But that wasn't love. That wasn't having a soulmate, that was just lust. And that's what he knew about. Lust. Not love.

His father never found a soulmate. Not his mom, not Susan. Maybe there were people who were never bound to find that person. If it was true, he was glad that his father hadn't found a soulmate; he would ruin them with one touch. And maybe he would too if he found one.

It was so glaringly obvious when someone had a soulmate.

People would quite literally glow. It was annoying; the way they smiled and acted like their life before their soulmate had been worthless- as if life before hadn't been actually living till this person came into their life.

And the way they talked about colours? Sometimes forgetting not everyone had a soulmate yet?

God he despised it.

But Billy was fine where he was in life. No attachment to the people he had sex with; black and white walls, black and white everything. Nothing had deeper meaning, and it didn't need to have deeper meaning. This was fine.

He'd die seeing the world in black and white, and that was fine.

It was what he deserved he supposed.

The schools hallways were jam packed. They always were in the morning. And if Billy didn't have to drive his sister also to school next door, then he wouldn't even be here this early.

There had been times where the moment he left with Max, he drove just far enough, kicked her out of the car (she usually didn't react badly- she likely hated being with him just as much as he did) and made her skate while he fucked off somewhere else. Coming to school later.

That happened less often nowadays. His father had been harsher lately. He hoped it might pass.

It never passed.

Billy kept his head down at first when he entered the hellish hall; something inside him beckoned him to look up and scan the halls but he wouldn't do it. Not yet. He didn't want to look around and people he hated, people who wanted to be near him for the status he held. People who were more akin to lost sheep than human beings.

He wanted nothing more than to be away from here. Not just the school, but Hawkins in general.

Billy Hargrove was made for the sun and the ocean- he believed that. He was made for something that wasn't Hawkins. Hawkins fit wrong; like a pair of jeans that were loose. It wanted to be right, but nothing was right. (He couldn't admit that sometimes California fit weirdly too. Maybe he had no where; belonged no where.)

He wouldn't give it a chance, not a real one at least. To him, Hawkins deserved his ire, it deserved not even a single chance to cage him in. To take away the only thing he had left- California.

But it already had, hadn't it? It took the beach, the sun, the friends he actually did have back in California. It took his mother. (His father did that. But California was where he saw her last. It was as close to her as he could get. And now that was gone too.)

If he tried maybe he could grow to like it in Hawkins. But months had gone by, and he was no closer to letting Hawkins try to grow on him.

Billy Hargrove was just angry. Even if he couldn't see colour, California felt colourful. He had no idea what that meant but he felt it. He didn't need a soulmate, he didn't need anyone, he only needed himself. He could only trust himself. And even that was a challenge.

An arm brushes into his own as he pushes down the hall, lost in thought; no, not brushes- it's more like a shove. Likely not on purpose; likely someone in a rush. But he doesn't care.

He's angry. He's always angry. And that's just the thing he needs: something to channel it into.

"Hey, watch where the fuck you're going-" it forces him to look up so he can yell, scanning his eyes for the person in the crowds. Yell at the person who did it.

But he stops. It all stops. Like a ship stranded at sea; no wind to guide its way and make use of the masts. Completely and utterly still.

Colour. Too much colour.

It comes in from the centre of his vision and it spreads like water colour on paper. It's too bright, too colourful- he can't even begin to describe the colours because he never knew what blue looked like, red, green- he doesn't know what they look like. All he knows is black and white.

All he knew was black and white.

It makes his head pound. His stomach churn. He feels like he may actually vomit on the now coloured floor; something that once was grey is now a colour he can't name. It forces him to take a foot back because it feels like someone has quite literally just tried to run him over in a freight.

His heart aches. And his body feels heavy. And now he's just standing there. In the middle of he hall. And no one gets mad at him for blocking the dead centre because he's Billy Hargrove, and right now, he looks scary. Scarier than usual.

This isn't happening.

He repeats it like a mantra in his head. Because this seriously could not be happening.

No. He was only meant to ever see black and white. He had decided that for himself- he wasn't meant to have a soulmate. He was a man doomed to a life alone; finding pleasure in nameless people with forgotten faces. He was the dictator in that part of his life. He could never be someone's soulmate.

He would only ruin them.

So why?

His head whips around. He's looking; navigating the new colours in the world, but he's looking for them. The person who did this to him. The person who took the black and white away; that safety away, and painted it with colour.

The person who had him scared for once in his life away from his father. The person that he... Wanted to find but at the same time he wanted to never see.

His world was off kilter. And he didn't know how to navigate it.

It felt nice. But horrifying all the same. And he was angry, at the unknown person, at himself, at the world. He was a ticking time bomb in that moment and he hated it. He wanted them but he wanted nothing. He was nothing.

For once, Billy Hargrove, was truly, completely, utterly lost.

[coming-of-age-witch]

yooooooooo

i studied today in the morning (sudden motivation ikyk)

the lack of emoji-use in my replies makes it look so thesis-ish but thats good for eye concentration (telling this to myself)

pata h, once i wrote 3 paged answer for a 3 marks literature question (the skill of stopping and ending articulately when required is lacked.) and got 0 because of is length, that was traumatic, that is traumatic (atleast i flaunted my then- recently gained- english skills)

oh i see how your ability to observe people made you go so deep through that guy, that even though he left you could see his potential, his ability to succeed, his lost glory ah, thats wonderfully tragic. broooo i'm bit crooked emotional too, like i just feel bad for anyone that goes through stuffs. and you know the most unfortunate thing is, is when you play news and like 9/10 of the topics are of things done to woman, like thats infuriarating and not just that sometimes just thinking of the pain the family members go through is just- scary.

that guy's incident was just a month ago?? so the wounds are afresh, i really hate when people say that those who take their life are cowards, like they aren't cowards, they battled all so much they could've battled all so more too, they didn't see the string of light or were unable to visualize the end of the tunnel from their depth of darkness (like its so subjective, how can people generalize it to cowardice)

i just hope he becomes a good memory of yours, the sooner it is, the less dreadful will be his passing away

****

I AM GONNA NOTE ALL THOSE TIPS YOU JUST DROPPED, LIKE

YOU ARE MY MENTOR

i mentione dthings that even i didnt bother to notice it, slayyyyy ALSO YOU'RE SO RIGHT sometimes you know it when you see something that the person itself hasn't noticed it, and if you tell that person, depending upon how close you are, there are 2 reactions, them feeling special and acknowledged or.....creeped out. in those complexified murder case dramas and books, one thing i've seen surely is how the criminal has a certain sense of oddity in them, it depends on the eyes that are looking for the criminal and how fast the eyes can latch onto the hints, because there are always hints, always, some so surfacial and some hidden in the bedrocks of the earth (ok i detracted so baaaaad) (ehehehe) (but you know i loooove psychological books) (i literally read them to give myself the thrill and see how different minds (of the detective and the criminal) work, llike its training myself in the basic ethics, although im not growing up to go anywhere in police, if i were to find myself in such a situation- ever-)SO YEAH AL THOSE READING BETWEEN THE LINES THAT OUVE MENTIONED ARE TOP NOTCH , i assume its a perfect part-time hobby isn't it

shhhhhoooould i speak more about the tall guy?? (im gonna start and i wont assure you where it ends) (BECAUSE HE APPEARED IN MY DREAMS.)

ok so you see ive had many crushes before . i have this verrryyyy verrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyy unsaid unspoken untold desire (peepeeepooopooo) to experience teenage love , like not those instagrammified once, i have the simplest desires- holding hands if ever possible and consented and if the other person is okay with it, and idk- honestly- talking ??? (i really dont know what to expect), but brooo ive seen a classmate of mine have a fairytale-ish trope with her crush, basically she liked him first, he dgaf, she made themoves, somehow it worked and they started dating, but it was non-existent , she told me he never replied to her texts, they barely talked, she used to give him cute notes, there were any replies to it, he didnt show any sort of response to her overjoyed giddy self. then. she felt her mom got to know about it (indian parent classic) and scared she was, she told him they can't continue. i think atp bro went through a mental metamorphosis because after this sudden request to break up, he changed, and like he's responsive, they talk alot during recess and afterschool, hold hands, she gives him notes and while he doesnt respond, its a well known fact that he has a keep for them (THE BEST PART IS THEY KEEP IT SO LOWKEY) (like, its just so normal, none of them are bloody possessives or cocky about it) (to me they seem like normal teens enjoying their peek teen love through a little rose tinted glass, while being aware that the glass is rose tinted)

IRDK WHY I TOLD YOU THIS STORY but like, i want something like this, they're so cute, and i wish them all good health. i want something like this, but like it never happens to me, i am not comparing myself but he didnt like her at first and slowly fell??? ajskdhsjks. i've had this one guy , who was my arch academic nemesis in middle school (in one year, he had higher grades than me, and i disliked him so much that i started like him, and NOW ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND EVEN RANDOM PEOPLE KNOW HOW BADLY I LIKE HIM) like i've liked him since 6th grade and now its 9th, that makes it 3 effing years. im tired of liking him, i could care less if he's in my class, but whenver i see him i get a sudden boom of joy and at the end of the day he's like my defaulted crush. but bro, i think ive made it so clear to him i like him (or i didnt idk but there were certainc ircumstances for sure) , this exam he got more marks than me ( :(sed ) . idk ive heard once he liked some girls, but for my own sanity and delusions <3 , never paid much heed to it. also it seems he's recently getting aware of all kinds of crush stuffs BUT THE TALL GUY, he knows it (all his bsfs are into it, well except him)

idk what to do with this crush on the tall guy, i dont want to tell my irl friends for some reason (they alr know how easily i fall for guys, idk why i'm not telling them, perhaps i do know, and perhaps its because i want them to think i no longer have any crush on anyone, for a timebeing that'll feel good) also like i have had 4 proper crushes (the 1st one is that middle school smart guy who i just told about, i interact with him almost daily because well altho he;s not in my section, he comes to my section early morning )

-CRINGE ALERT- -CRINGE ALERT-

, there was another one, this crush, this was the first time the idea of "dating" was put in my head (by a friend of mine) and DO YOU KNOW HOW GULLIBLE I AM??? like for a second i actually had a thought about having a boyfriend?? like i didnt' even like this guy ok (calling him riri from now). this same friend of mine (he's my bestfriend, lets call him sid) sat with riri and sits with riri, and just once i told him riri looks good, and in midst of their whatever convo sid told him that i said he looks good, and then urged him to date me, and during that particular time (this year, middle of may i think) i was crush-less (my crush on that middle school smart kid goes away from time to time, intervals you see) and he urged me to date too, and last year me and sid and riri were in the same sections, me and riri didnt interact much but he didnt seem bad to me. but like after all those urging, one day he said to one of my friends (jokingly or not) something, which was darn ass rudeeee and like i lost all of my wishes then and then (later there came many instance of riri being a jerk ass)

this riri one was so sudden it scared me. basically, i dont think my luck will work out right , because for a second i just felt that gleeful teeny cheeky giddy happiness you know?? it all went down tho. this tall guy is fun okay, ive made my share of observations on him and i'll keep observing him because as i said i dont intend to do anything, i dont want to face a stupid realization again (that i was just goofed up and that the idea is shitty)(like i am balancing my studies well and good, it isn't going terrible, can't i have a little bit of those stuffs?) we have a mutual friend , and one thing ik is that , that guy is good and FUNN and he'll prolly tell me wholesome things about tall guy (but they're almost like bestfriends so erm---) idk what i am expected or what i want even. i am just so confused. he's good in studies, so am i, he gives speeches, so do i, we spent a whole month prepping a project and had so much fun, idk idk idkkkkkkkkk , like its so good for now, idk want to do anything that turns the fun off, but i have the slightest of feeling that (can't put it into words, too cringe, help). those fun adventures of having a crush are creeping on me, pushing me to accept that i like him and like do think about him but ermmmmmm im hesistant, past experiences were just dull)

LOOK I TOLD YOU I WOULDN'T STOP IF I START SPEAKING, SOME DAYS IM JUST A TAD BIT EXTREMLY EMO ABOUT THE STUPIDEEEST STUFF LIKE IT WONT EVEN MATTER TMR WHEN I WOKE UP BUT FOR NOW ILL JUST THINK ABOUT IT , ALSO WHEN I WOKE UP FROM THE DREAM I HAD OF TALL GUY , MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS -IM GONNA TELL BROKOALA- (yes i'll call you brokoala, sounds a fine name to me) andddd look i said to you everything apart from that dream ehehehehehehe

i'll go take a break cause i really infodumped you with the MOST UNNCESSARY shittalks , i am so sorry i went about talking about myself , THIS HAPPENS WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS TAD BIT INTEREST IN TOPICS THAT IM USUALLY RELUCTANT TO SPEAK DIRECTLY ON LIKEEE help. i like having these goody giddy moments sometimes, and i just got hyped up todayyyyy

*****

back from the break like a boogeyman (idk what a boogeyman is) (idk what this means)

you know in that last paragraph where you talked about insecurities, i swear that part where you told about invisibilizing oneself I'LL GET IT NOTED DOWN ( i have a journal with advices i find from wise stranger-turned-friends and thats perfect for it) LIKE ITS SOMETHING I NEEDED TO HEAR, you put it into words so perfectly, i adore you, you're wise, pls share wisdom, ehehehehhe. they're telling you about laugh???? yoooo- laughter, in accordance to my belief, is the prettiest part of a person, so unique so individualistic and so unintended , like you kno you can guess when someones faking their laughter (which is sad because they're attempting to sound themshelves or like to appeal others- but i understand) , laughter adds onto character of a person, I LIKE YOUR PERSONALITY, that stance you took to keep your laugh unfiltered is so stronggg, i admire you for that okayy, like you handled all those comments and stood up for what was and will always be yours??? its brilliantttt. "as long as their annoyance doesnt make sense" like- real so real, some people be complaining for the sake of complaining, its not like your laughter is giving them brain tumor or stuffs. YOU KNOW IM GONNA RE-READ THAT LAST PARAGRAPH OF YOURS SO SO MANY TIMES, because????? every part of it, every effing part of it is so authentic and i just, i cant express how impactful that is. the fact that you told everything we do will effect people r,l & c. and its not selfishness to keep fixed like- that made me think okay, i love youuu

yk i go to school with my hair oiled a day a week or 2 days a week, i really dont care about how i look, but sometimes i do, and a girl last year kept asking why i put oil (like repeatedly, after telling hr so many times she'd keep asking), and while it didn't have an immediate effect on me, i got kinda tired and started getting those -look-wise- concern (now i dont take shit from someone who isnt even my friend but i swear i dislike her so much) since i'll be putting oil either way, might as well focus on making myself look good with it (i wear less oil nowadays tho- aftermath ig) THINKING OF THAT PARAGRAPH MADE ME THINK ABOUT THIS THING I JUST TOLD LIKE WOW, ONLY IF I KNEW IT EARLIER honestly its not late, i loved that adviceeee ahhhh

sidenote : i talked less about that friend of yours because like if you still feel gloomy about him, it'll go gloomier. and i see how you share an emotional depth with him, he's no longer there, so there's no receiver on the other end. this is like a scene when the caller dials up a deadtone. this shattering incident of that guy just enhanced your skill of feeling deeply, like sometimes do you go back to your memories and feel a hollow warmth? i mean with all that you told me about him, and how differently you perceive him, i know you see so much more ,its hauntingly incredible. you can't help him anymore, or your thoughts wont reach him but like maybe among the stars he'd feel good realizing all along someone saw his true uncut self, the potential that perhaps wasn't visible to him, someone willing to help out of what drained and perished him, it'd make him happy and seen. and it'd be good if he soon becomes a healthy comic relief, his presence will still be in around you, in a way thats not gloomy ig

(also , my humor is pretty questionable and troublesome too, no worries , the more you get to know me, the more cricket noises you here in your daily life) (its not a metaphor, its me asserting my presence)

i spoke aloooot ik ik ik

also like, ik that part where i talked about my little floofy wish is cringe, and trust me i dont talk that irl apart from my bestfriends, i physically can't talk about it, its embarassing ik. but online we're all in our unseen selves and idk it takes 1 (one) matchstick to ignite a nice bonfire so like , that part, is a beautiful representation of how dumb i can get, forgive me m'kay, tall guy will prolly go into my list of highschool crushes who gave me entertainment for a time being

i thinkni am attracted to people who have such grandiosity in their range of knowledge and just smart in general, such an admirable trait

[doomednarrative]

So this is a thought that I’ve been mulling over as I keep watching Donbrothers, and after finishing episode 44 it’s one that finally fully formed in my mind, and I think I have the words to articulate it in writing now.

It’s a thought about Taro Momoi. As the Red Sentai Ranger he’s obviously going to impact the story a lot, it’s in his nature to from the moment the series starts. But there’s one specific aspect of his character that keeps catching my focus, and it’s his inherent inability to lie about anything and everything.

The thought that I keep coming back to is that if you chose to watch Donbrothers with a queer reading in mind, that specific characteristic has such a farther reaching impact on both Taro and the narrative as a Whole.

(And before I go any further, I’ll put my little disclaimer here that this is not me saying you Should watch Donbrothers with this reading or anything to that effect. It is after all at its base level a sentai show meant to sell cool toys. You don’t have to give it this depth, it’s fine without it. I however am a queer person and I find it fun to do these kinds of readings as a thought experiment and I like writing about it for others to read.)

But anyhow.

Putting the rest of my thoughts under a read more because it got very long ~

The thing that gets me about Taro and his inability to lie and the fact that he has such an obvious tell for when he Is lying - that being that it literally kills him - is that it Forces Taro to go through his life living as his 100% authentic self. There is no way for him to hide from the rest of the world, no shield of little white lies or even a false persona that he can put on to keep himself from getting hurt. And he’s more than aware that A. His inability to lie Does hurt other people, which in turn hurts him as well, and B. It often puts him at odds with others due to how it can make him come off as ruder or more careless than he might mean to be. But it’s not something that he can change about himself. He’s tried, multiple times, and it’s just not something he’s capable of doing no matter what effort he puts into it.

And this has been a persistent issue for him since early childhood. It’s this very fact about Taro that makes an entire village move away when he’s still a young boy because in his attempts to help people by being honest and upfront with them, he drove them to hate him for his perfectionist streak instead. He couldn’t soften his words or tell them that they were doing just fine but that he wanted to help them, instead everything comes off blunt and matter of fact and over time it drove people away from him, until only he and Jin were left in their little neighborhood.

Taro’s inability to lie is something that the rest of the Donbrothers challenge him on throughout the entire series. It’s something that they actively either try to work to get him to break on, or they bemoan the fact that it’s not something he can fix about himself. Sometimes this is played for laughs, but more than a handful of times it’s also the cause of actual annoyance or even a level of anger from Taro’s teammates directed at him for this thing that he cannot change about himself. Over time Taro has learned a good bit how to at least supplement his blunt honesty with some careful phrasing so that he’s not as rude to people about things, but this still doesn’t change the fact that he cannot lie, and therefore cannot change a core part of himself or use lying as a way to shield himself from things like the others can.

That’s exactly why its such a huge deal to him when Sonoi is the first person to show up in his life, very early in the series, and tell Taro upfront that not only is his honesty a fine trait that he has, but that it’s also something he likes about Taro. Sonoi, before their shock at finding out each others true identities, literally calls Taro his hope and reaffirms when Taro comes to him about this issue more than once that he thinks Taro is fine as he is. This is something that I think ends up being a huge part of why the two of them end up still being close even after all of the fighting and literally killing and reviving each other that goes on through the series. Even after the many shocks and betrayals, the fact that their relationship (whatever you chose to view it as/whatever the narrative might imply it is) started with such openness and honesty makes for a very good foundation for the two of them. There’s already so much out in the open at that point that neither of them can pull back for long. Sonoi’s efforts to do so barely last more than a few episodes, and Taro never stops being anything less than genuine with him in all of their interactions from the first time they meet.

And speaking of Sonoi and his fellow Noto companions...

Sonoi may not have a problem with lying in the literal sense like Taro does, it certainly doesn’t kill him at least and he can lie with his words all he wants with no repercussion physically. But as the series goes on, you start to see that he’s lying to both himself and his teammates about a lot of things, and it slowly stops working and starts becoming something that is an actual roadblock for not just himself but for Sononi and Sonoza as well. And Sononi and Sonoza are also lying to themselves and each other as well, and it’s not working for Any of them! Sonoi has to be called back to the purpose of their work multiple times in the beginning of the series because it becomes clear to the others that whatever fascination he has with Taro is beginning to impede their goal of wiping out the Hitotsuki, and then post the first time he kills Taro, he visibly Wilts and states that he does not like himself for what he’s done. He becomes unable to lie to both himself and to Sononi and Sonoza that he’s happy with this outcome even though he should be. He’s a Noto who just took down Don Momotaro! In any regular circumstance, this would be something that he’d be proud of, no matter the method he used to do so. But because he did so by exploiting Taro’s inability to lie to him, something that he told Taro multiple times he liked about him, his victory rings hollow, and instead becomes something he’s actively upset that he did, even when the others think he did just fine. It’s why he helps to bring Taro back, it’s why they both agree to a fair duel that they won’t regret, it’s a catalyst for so many things later on down the line.

Sonoi’s inability to lie to himself and keep going with his duties as a Noto general without interference is what eventually leads to his realization in episode 44 that he and Sonoza and Sononi are all alike in the fact that they’ve grown attached to or become fond with humanity, and this fact puts a target on all of their heads and makes them enemies to their own people. Sononi got so caught up in the love affairs of Tsubasa and his search to bring the real Natsumi back that she fell for him in the process and took multiple hits to protect him, and it almost kills her! And Sonoza, who only ever wanted to understand human emotions and how they work, ended up as the manga editor to a teenage girl who he genuinely wants to see flourish in her work that brought him such joy and who’s respect he’s earned in the process. All three of them start off the series as very serious in their duties to take out the Hitotsuki (and later the Beastials) and slowly over time it gets so put to the back burner due to the connections they’ve made that even their superiors had to intervene to remind them of who they are and what their purpose is. And in the end even that doesn’t work. Not only can they not lie to themselves after a point, but they can’t lie to Sonoshi either. And he makes it very clear what kind of mark that puts on them and their fates before eventually leaving them to their own devices again.

Sonoi, Sononi, Sonoza and Taro are all alike in the fact that they end up being unable to lie/hide things about themselves to themselves or others for one reason or another about core parts of who they are. And it’s this fact alone that either puts them in direct danger, or makes their attempts at navigating the world around them a lot harder than it might otherwise be if they could just lie and shove things under the rug.

I don’t personally read Sononi or Sonoza as queer themselves, but in the case of Taro and Sonoi specificallty, especially with how the overall narrative hints at things and all of the imagery and implication and even outright textual statements, I think it becomes very easy to see how this can all be viewed in a queer light. It at least rings true for me as someone who went through the struggle of being unable to hide myself and having to pay the price for it by running from my home and the dangers that staying there held for me.

Seeing as I haven’t finished the series yet I have no clue if this is something that the Noto trio will end up doing for themselves, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they had to do so, and that in itself would lend even more weight to the comparison I’m trying to make here. Either way, it’s been an emotional journey to watch all of these characters come to the place that they are now in the narrative and how they’ve grown and are trying to make their way in the world as they are, and it’s certainly not something I’ll be forgetting anytime soon.

[ofmermaidstories]

Ooh im so glad you enjoy any type of comments because im so so so obsessed with something (just like this) but felt the comments i left on ao3 weren’t showing how much i really really liked it! [which is a lot, i live react to my little fanfic gc about it whenever i read/reread 😭 shout out to them for listening☝️]

NO, listen—I’m the same way!!! Writing big, analytical comments doesn’t come naturally to me (which means I appreciate the ones I get even more, because i know exactly how much time and thought they take 😭), so I understand the knee-jerk worry of, oh no, is this enough? But I do think that it’s a disservice to each other to like, have expectations of how to comment on something. 🥺 I don’t believe in rigidly policing how we aught to interact with each other’s art (beyond not being dicks). It’s—disheartening! Disheartening and fucking rude, actually, because it does two things: it treats those beautifully detailed, loving comments that people write of their own excitement as the only valid form of expressing love and it also makes reading fanfiction and interacting with each other a chore! And it shouldn’t be! It’s not! I dunno how many times I need to say this, but fanfiction isn’t homework—and that goes two ways!! You, as a writer, are not enslaved to it. You don’t need to finish to a deadline (unless you want to!). And you as a reader are not obligated to provide an itinerary of the time you spend with someone’s work!!!

It’s not the only way to love something. Like you saying that you live react it to the group chat—I don’t even know how to articulate what that means to me, to hear??? Lmfao. Because it’s so cute and it’s so fun!!! And it’s relatable, because I do the exact same thing with fics I love, to the friends that I love. 🥺 If anything, I find it easier to like, lay out what I love in a fic to a chat, if that makes sense? Because I’m not worried about the author! Like—I’m not worried about impressing them, LOL. Or accidentally hurting their feelings if I’m maybe a little confused about something, or am just extra opinionated that day. I can just say, “OH MY GOD [insert writer here] UPDATED [insert fic here] IM LOSING MYS HIT OH MY GOD ITS SO GOOD OH MY GOD!!!! [insert plot twist here]!!!!!! NOOOOOOO OMG WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS TO ME IM TOO DELICATE FOR THIS I HATE IT HERE” etc etc.

We forget that fanfiction communities are built, in large part, because of readers—readers silently reading things, or privately sharing them. Readers making tiktoks about their favourite fic (and then it blowing up and the fic getting deleted because people are mean to other fics in that same community that share the same tropes LMFAO go on, ask me about attackonfic). There’s one user on AO3 that I adore, literally, they are so precious because I see them so often in the comments of the fics I’m reading and every time it’s the same, short and sweet sentiment of how much they love whatever it is they’ve been reading, and sometimes they’ll add emojis and sometimes it’s capitalised but it gets the point across so well. They’ve commented on surrender before; it now lives in my folder for comments, on my phone, because it made me laugh when I first got it.

I promise you, Anon, if you have commented on SJLT then not only have I read it—I’ve screenshot it and saved it to that folder. Because for all I write, I don’t think I can ever adequately express what any comment means to me. 🥺 The sense of relief and—safety, almost? In being seen. It’s just—it’s there for all of them! Every comment!

If anything, I owe you an apology—I’m not good at replying to things in any timely manner 🥺 It’s never malicious, it just—it takes energy, no matter how big or small the comment (or tumblr ask!), because I want each reply to mean something, to return that sensation of hi, i see you too! It’s not an excuse. But I promise, Anon—I see you, too. And I want you (and everyone!) to know, no matter what you’ve said to me on AO3—whether it was an emoji, one word, a couple of sentences or paragraphs that took half an hour to write—it found me just when I needed it. And it meant so, so much. 🥺 Thank-you for reading, Anon. Thank-you for being here. I hope I can give you a finish story that makes those comments worth it. 🥺🌷📖✨💕

[wistfulrat]

this tiresome genre of Oedipal essay in which they decry the status of contemporary gay writing as being too serious or not serious enough, too sad or too happy, too focused on trauma or too irreverent, too ironic or too sincere, too much about sex or not enough, not realistic about apps and hook ups or too realistic about apps and hook-ups. Contemporary gay fiction is a place where one can arrive and leave satisfied and by satisfied, I mean, with sufficient cause to be annoyed online and in their little Google docs across media. --- when these people are arguing about gay fiction being humorless or gay fiction being too sad, they are not arguing about, like, a genre of gay fiction that includes my work or the work of someone like Bryan Washington or James Hannaham or Saeed Jones or Robert Jones. Jr, even. They are arguing about depictions of white gays. Cis white gays. And they dress it up in concerns re: what is bourgeois or what is not bourgeois enough, etc. Black people. Blackness. Does not figure into their critique or their arguments, because in their minds, the general case is a white case. this Brandon Taylor essay my god. more excerpts of all time under the cut but cc: everyone on this site

"I got into this in the essay on the trauma plot, but people really do seem very suspicious of responding to the brutal urgencies of life with ambivalence, exhaustion, sadness, terror. Like, sometimes it is okay not to laugh at hard things. As a move, that’s actually kind of played out at this point in history. There’s only so much laughing at catastrophe that a person can do before it’s no longer irony and instead it constitutes an emotional imbalance. Which, again, could be funny. But also, some things are just fucked up. And that’s okay. This allergy to sentiment, to meeting sentiment head-on and trying to bear witness to it, to articulate the exact parameters of the brutal shit life threw your way. I don’t know why we got this idea that if something is serious, you laugh at it. And if it’s not, you take it seriously. Like. I understand that we all had the 90s and the 2000s, hysterical realism, irony, etc. But we live in the world. And irony has gone cold on us. We can’t keep trying to counter-intuit our way into some fresh new sensation. We can’t keep trying to jolt ourselves back to life by taking the unexpected play. The unexpected has become the expected. What’s harder to do now is to face up to shit. And not in the cloak and guise of irreverence. But take shit seriously. That’s what makes the best moments of Girls good. Those moments when there’s no way to funny your way out. When there are no more jokes. When it’s just you and your apartment. And a splinter in your ass. And a ruptured ear drum. And all your friends hate you. When you can’t laugh your way out. Why the fuck are you still laughing?

Gay fiction isn’t humorless. It isn’t overly morbid. Or if it is, it’s always kind of been that way. Gay writers have been weird for a long time. And I can see being irritated that the books selling many many many many copies are not your favorite weird Genet derivatives or whatever, and, like, okay. But that is a frustration with commerce, not art, as my friend Garth likes to tell me.

Also, I feel like when people make arguments like this, what they mean is, I did not enjoy my experience reading Garth Greenwell or Ocean Vuong or Hanya Yanagihara, or, perhaps, now, Douglas Stuart. In McAdory’s words:

The mainstream critical success of books like Shuggie Bain, Cleanness, and On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous bespeaks, I think, a discomfort on the part of certain readers with affective complexity. And complexity, or its artful representation, can be a joyful thing.

Like, you’re not annoyed at “gay fiction.” You’re annoyed or disappointed in like, three or four writers, my friend. Maybe you should read more. Or better. Or both. Either way, grow up. I mean that both in the sense of “what a fucking loser” and also in the sense of “mature psychologically, please.” All I feel when I read sentences like this is a discomfort with directness and a discomfort with sentiment. The snappy, snide retreat into irony is such a clear indication of an inability to deal with emotion and feeling in a direct way. And what happens is that a personal discomfort is manufactured into an aesthetic discomfort. That is, your personal problem becomes an aesthetic problem that you project onto everyone else and their work. Because. Well, that’s between you and your therapist."