#i think its a deep (sometimes repressed) memory for a lot of people and thats why i thought it'd make the perfect pfp for this blog

[generation-fucked-nostalgia]

Even as a kid I knew there was something just wrong about A Bad Case of Stripes

It gave me a weird feeling as a kid too, and I think it's a combination of the illustration style and the subject matter.

David Shannon has such a particular, oil painting esque style. Most of his illustrations are very cartoony, like his iconic No David books:

Like look at that! The features and proportions are exaggerated! Full of bright colors! Reminiscent of something a kid might draw.

But then there's A Bad Case of Stripes. In this book Shannon seems to lean much more into the realm of surrealism, and the result is...

...uncanny. I mean look at those faces!!! Nothing like the caricature bulbous head of little David. These guys look like they crawled out of a Renaissance painting! Look at the shading!!! It looks like you could reach out and touch those little fuzzy blue pompoms! Which brings me to my next point...

A Bad Case of Stripes is just... kid-friendly body horror. There's no gore in it, but what this girl goes through is something straight out of a fever induced nightmare.

Just like those creepy realistic renders of what Patrick Star or Homer Simpson would look like in real life (remember those?) It's the realism, the 3d look, the impeccable shading that makes Stripes so damn creepy. In a more cartoonish style, Stripes probably would've been a wacky little kids book. But because of how realistic the illustrations are...

...We wound up with the suppressed birthplace of body horror phobias for generations to come.

[nordidia]

Regardless of how much attention they got, what are three things you've written or drawn that you're most proud of?

oh i love this question...

so i think what i get most proud of are my long comics,, despite the drawings being simple, i think i put alot more effort into just finishing them than i do like. coloured pieces etc... doing full pieces is more leisure than struggling to finish a long ass comic yknow. especially if its mental health related, i put alot of effort into them

so i think the one im most proud of is the sunset duo comic about PTSD flashbacks the way i experience them.,. i never really saw people talk about how they are for me so i decided to do it myself

alot of people find comfort in it because they also have been longing for someone to talk about those kinds of flashbacks, where its not really pictures or specific memories, but more the feelings you felt during it. alot of people who have repressed memories have flashbacks this way it was very... cathargic. its the first thing that pops into my head when people ask about my emotion-comics. i think its my favorite

another one i really like is this one.

its my first deep comic like that, and it kinda kicked off something in me, knowing what i wanted to create. its kinda old now, and my art has evolved somewhat, ive been thinking of re-doing it sometime

alot of my comics that are like this are based on my own struggles, and i make them to deal with my own, hoping that posting them will make others feel less alone. i also base leo on my irl bff like 98% of the time, and this was one of them.

i think that it marks kind of "the first" of stuff that i've gotten feedback on that it has helped others, and looking back on it gives me alot of motivation to continue doing art

hmm third one i really love is this one, with april

i had this huge idea of going into detail about things, my own take on things. and i held that idea until i started drawing, and as i got to the end i realised: "wait.. i dont want to think about this. i dont want to have a take on someone's pointless suffering. i dont want him to have to remember it either. why do all comics have to elaborate on the struggling and then everything being okay? thats not how it works" and ended up completely re-writing it. i think it made it alot more in character too

at the time, i was in therapy. and we would often talk about what i do in my daily life and i would talk about the comics i make. and this was one she really liked hearing about, and she had a lot of praise for the way i ended it when i told her about my trail of thought

i hope this is comprehensible jdajkgfdsjk !!

i thinik. i like my art that includes leo .. is some of my favorite... i like writing him. he's very kind. he loves and respects raph alot, and i think he understands raph on a deeper level in some way. i cant explain it but. yueah!!! if i could have a fourth favorite it would be this one

[troddensodden]

what i immediately think of you based on your favorite fallout 4 companion:

or maybe a better title would have been what i think based on the companion you relate to the most? im not sure that just doesnt have a good ring to it

anyway

- cait: you come across as a violent, or generally brash person, but are good at heart. your violence or harsh tendencies likely have a reason behind them. you probably had something in your past where people who you trusted ended up betraying you, or someone you idolized turned out to be someone completely different. and this had an impact on you, causing you to protect yourself in the easiest way you know—pushing people away. because if you don't have anyone important to you, then you can't go through the same thing again. (or you just like her accent. valid.) just remember, even if some people have hurt you, not everyone will. there are people who care. just let them in. don't be afraid to be vulnerable, that shows that you're truly strong.

- codsworth: you're a pretty sentimental person and struggle to leave the past behind. which, while sweet, may get in your way sometimes. but generally you are a nice person. you like to help people out, but the main source of pleasure you gain from that is the satisfaction of knowing you helped someone, rather than the happiness of just knowing that person was helped. your sentimentality likely originates from some sort of loss, whether big or small. remember, you have people in your corner. you can rely on them.

- curie: either you're into science or philosophy, or you like accents. but most likely you're a pretty sweet person. you like to help people, but it probably ends up being self-sacrificial quite often even if you don't realize it. take care of yourself!! you're important too, the satisfaction of helping other people wont be enough to help you in the long run, and you need to acknowledge that. you probably help people and use that as a scapegoat for someone you weren't able to help well enough, whether that person is you or someone else, and end up overlooking your own needs. prioritize yourself first, allow yourself to be the most important person in your life.

- paladin danse: either you like the military, or you only played the brotherhood storyline so you could have him. also, you probably have some deep-rooted insecurity based in everyone seeing you as different and judging you for it, but you don't do anything to counter it and end up avoiding people as a whole because of it. you may think of other people as too much effort, or too confusing, or generally just not worth it when there are more important things to be done. you look up to those stronger than you, and look down on those weaker than you, and use that to shape yourself. you end up leaving the real you behind, so that maybe other people will think you're just as strong as the people you admire. but you don't have to be strong all the time. its okay.

- deacon: you're secretive. not because you necessarily have anything to hide, but to protect yourself. you may have opened up to someone in the past and then lost them, or been betrayed, and now find it difficult to be honest about yourself. opening up about yourself to anyone is a sign of great trust, and something that doesn't happen often, so you have a hard time doing it at all, but especially after being hurt because of it. you keep your heart close to your chest, and hide it behind humor and lies, because at least you don't have to be honest when you're cracking jokes. a lot of these jokes are probably pretty self-deprecating, a way of venting your struggle without having to truly bare yourself to anybody. but you don't have to lie to keep people around. people will love you just as much if you're true to yourself.

- dogmeat: you're a bit of a lone wolf. whether it's for a serious reason or just a dislike for people, you find it much simpler to be by yourself. you may have trouble trusting people, or even just issues working with people because of conflict. but as much as it may seem easier to just avoid people as a whole, you cant do that forever. if you let people in, and you trust them, they'll trust you too. it will help you out in the long run. (or hey! maybe you just like dogs. thats valid.)

- hancock: you're a very accepting person. you let people open up to you, make yourself a safe space for anyone who might need it. but you don't open yourself up to others, out of fear that maybe they'll see your flaws and leave you. as accepting as you are, you struggle to accept parts of yourself, and assume others wont be able to either. you struggle to think you're good enough, and so instead you make yourself a blank slate in a way, for people to interpret however they want. you disregard yourself, your personality, your past, and try to start anew without actually resolving any of your history. which may work fine for a while, but eventually it will stack up. it never left, you just tucked it away. you need to confront your past before working on the future. accept yourself and others will too.

- maccready: you're also quite a sentimental person, but in another way. you can't leave the past behind, because it changed you. you want things to go back to the way they were, so you can maybe change the way things went, change the things you did, but you can't. furthermore, you find the world immensely unfair, and it is. and as much as you may wish things were different, they arent, and theres nothing you can do now to fix it. whether you want to forget or not, the memories stick with you, and continuously remind you what you "could have done," even if you couldn't truly have changed the outcome. forgive yourself. its okay to remember, but it's not okay to dwell on the past and keep hurting yourself over it. the past happened, but the future is still being built. live your life.

- nick valentine: you're a very giving person, and enjoy helping people. however, you can hold a grudge. whether you or someone important to you was wronged, you won't forget about it until it has been resolved. depending on the severity, a well-done apology can satiate you, but if they did something serious, you won't rest until they get what you think they deserve. not necessarily in a violent sense, but in a general manner. you recognize that the world is corrupt and unfair, and see it as your role to try to bring about some fairness in the world, but sometimes end up stretching yourself too thin. be careful. it's good to care so much about others, but be sure to care for yourself too.

- piper: you likely had to grow up too fast, because of something that happened in your past. because of that, you struggle to truly let loose. you refuse to rely on other people and insist on being self-sufficient, but you also insist on trying to take care of others too, which builds up a lot of stress that you never really learned how to relieve. so instead of taking care of your stress, you absorb yourself in work. additionally, you're very headstrong, and while being persistent is a good thing, it comes back to bite you once in a while. so make sure to be cautious. you need to protect yourself, but you don't need to always be on guard. relax, let loose. you're still young and have life ahead of you.

- preston: you've been at the lowest point in your life and back up again. this low point, though, changed you. the way you thought, the way you acted, the way you cared for people. it changed you, positively and negatively. you've seen and experienced a lot of struggle, and that made you stronger, but it also made you afraid. not afraid of getting hurt, but afraid of not being able to protect those you care about from the strife that you've seen cause the downfall of so many people. you see it as your role to protect people, as something that brings you purpose. you've probably felt that way for a long time though. someone you admired may have gotten hurt and you weren't able to protect them, and you try to make up for it by protecting everyone else. but it's not your responsibility to protect everyone. it's not your fault if you can't. protect yourself first, and find self-worth outside of your work. focus out the present, and everything else will fall into place. its okay to take a break.

- strong: you prioritize yourself over others, to the point where you may end up disregarding other peoples thoughts or feelings because you think yours are more "important." because of this, you are generally a bit judgmental and only think something is worthwhile if it will benefit you. this may originate from some sort of neglect or similar treatment in the past, where you were forces to be self-sufficient. but it is important to be able to prioritize yourself while still being kind to other people. you look down on people who you think are weak, because you were forced to be strong enough to protect yourself. but you should allow yourself to listen to other people, because they'll care about you if you care too. relationships are valuable and important, even if you have only a few of them. be more open to other people, it won't hurt you.

- x6-88: similarly, you may feel a sense of superiority over some people. however, this is likely because you were frequently admired and praised for not showing vulnerability, whether in a physical or emotional sense. you may tend to repress your emotions, out of convenience or fear of having them used against you, which ends up affecting you negatively in the long run for a variety of reasons. for one, emotions will build up, causing stress and general struggle. but also, refusing to open up can harm interpersonal relationships, causing issues with trust, honesty, and more. you may feel relationships aren't worth it, but having people in your corner in a way that's mutually beneficial is very important. vulnerability is a sign of strength, but you were likely taught the opposite, and it's hard to shake something so deeply ingrained. it's a process, but it's worth it. allow yourself to be vulnerable, allow yourself to be protected. you won't disappoint people, it's alright.

[cloneslugs]

yayoi + shinada + saejima

saejima i did forever ago just bc ik if i answered yours firsy w all 3 this would be ill but it still got too long bc im a sicko but anyway thank you this made me smile to write (:

Lady Dojima 

Sexuality Headcanon: bisexual 

Gender Headcanon: 🙈 lady . this actually fluctuates depending on how indulgent i wanna be but usually i just go cis woman -_- just bc that's my mom who would love and support me 

A ship I have with said character: erm.. *blushes* kashiwagi >_>

A BROTP I have with said character: kashiwagi as well :) that's her best friend thats her buddy, she has a really good relationship w kiryu too but it's different it's like a different tier entirely it's more familial in a sense but it isnt but it is, i also would like to explore her relationship w nishiki (apart from kiryu) but that is just (:, her and haruka would be cute too just bc <3 extended family 

A NOTP I have with said character: sera just bc the theories around it get on my nerves, any other man people pair her w tbh besides my beloved <3

A random headcanon: shes kind of a weird girl outside of professional settings i think the blunt way she talks is kind of offputting outside of those and also she just doesnt censor herself not that shes crude but she wont stop herself from saying weird or mean things, she has a really sarcastic sense of humor she delivers everything really dryly so it's hard to tell if shes serious or not also she doesnt laugh a lot you'll probably only make her laugh if you are close w her and even then she is just ._., daigo picks up a lot of his mannerisms from her if you see them next to each other in the same situation they are very very close and similar, she likes strawberry shortcake but shes very particular about it her like former bff ran a bakery and it feels homey and nice to her so <3 fond memories but now shes particular, her favorite flower bouquets are roses + hydrangeas but she doesn't really like roses on their own, she likes cats, she doesnt like cooking but she isnt bad at it, shes very meticulous about how she presents/looks, she has a similar academic bg w daigo, shes self taught w a katana mostly + she practices w it to destress, shes not social but shes kind of chatty if you catch her at the right time but she mostly just asks a lot of questions and doesnt engage in convo well, she likes dresses/skirts but mostly dresses <3, very close w daigo i think he really was one of those kids who was like "my mommy is my best friend <3" but they're very close that's her baby shes very proud of him and they are still close now, shes otherwise not very good w kids i think kind of awkward daigo was her exception everyone else she is just kind of … … …, she likes to sing/hum (: but only when alone/doing menial tasks

General Opinion over said character: i looooove her shes my everything i just care so deeply about her i cant even call her my friend i respect her too much shes a little bit above me but <3 hi lady dojima ik ive said this before and its so embarrassing but i get like >///< *blushes irl* if i think about calling her yayoi or god forbid a milf or anything it feels too disrespectful im so >_> anyway hiii i love you 

Shinada

Sexuality Headcanon: homosexual but hes so so repressed but he loves men 

Gender Headcanon: trans guy (: 

A ship I have with said character: 😏 daigo 

A BROTP I have with said character: not including daigo um akiyama (: the whole 5 party really saejima likes to look out for him and kiryu is also there and hed be a cute big bro to haruka 

A NOTP I have with said character: mine but its almost allowed bc of how laughable and mockable and ridiculous it is also any polyam ships that involve well.  you know.. 

A random headcanon: autism (: baseball special interest that started when he was like 7 and never went dormant ever, hes bad w time and remembering things he just loses track of everything, he sleeps a lot and can sleep anywhere but if hes not sleeping he has to be doing something like anything, he likes to paint his nails mostly green but sometimes he lets daigo do black, bad at math but he likes writing a lot just in general sometimes he writes little notes/poems/thoughts/stories on his scrap paper when hes procrastinating work they're nothing special so he doesnt even really acknowledge that he likes writing he usually just scraps them or forgets about them it's just for fun, he likes to impress people if someone mentions being into something he tries to get into it too i think hes just a people pleaser, he likes to sing (: also just for fun he doesnt care about being good he'll do it when walking around or when doing literally anything he doesnt care about being loud/obnoxious in public if hes in a good/energetic mood, he cant cook mostly bc he has trouble paying attention to things for a while he gets bored and forgets about stuff, he forgets to cut his hair a lot so it gets long sometimes and he just ties it up until he actually gets around to doing something about it, very friendly he says hi to everyone and is the kind of person to not disclude people ever hes just very kind, he doesnt hold his alcohol well he gets sick pretty fast, hes very good at talking baseball/batting specifically but not very good at teaching or hes not very practical about it at least hes actually better at giving pitching tips, he has weird volume control i think its actually the opposite of daigos, hes a hugger (:, kind of really bad w social cues hes really social but can be awkward he tends to talk too much, he procrastinates a lot but hes also just a "drop everything to come and help" kind of guy maybe he doesnt prioritize well but he just cares about people like he is kind of finicky for money but hes also the type to give up his jacket if someone needs it or lend things out when he can, hes not good at picking up hobbies sometimes girls/friends get him stuff like a plant or some kind of craft kir or something and it's not like he doesnt take care of it/do anything w it he just cant hold an interest he wanted to get into music/instruments once though but it's expensive and then he eventually stopped caring/forgot, he shares his food w street animals when he can, he can either sit through movies or he can't it's either like "if im idle too long ill die" or just intense focus, he smiles a lot it's like his default face but he also smiles/laughs when hes nervous, he takes lots of pictures hes the kind of person to just message out of the blue w a pic saying it reminded him if you even if you dont make the connection and maybe it's just bc he thinks about people when walking around and he'll see something pretty/nice/cute or that just makes him smile so he needs to share it w whoever was on his mind he does it w the rgg5 crew and akiyama doesnt get it but hell send like a thumbs up or some blingee bedazzled stupid pic back + kiryu usually ignores him but deep down he thinks its sweet and maybe says "thanks." but feels too awkward to send a pic of the kids or the beach back + saejima usually sends a cat picture back or just says "okay" or ignores it + haruka always sends something back and kind of does the same thing w shinada now where she'll send him things if she thinks of him bc he started it

General Opinion over said character: he makes me so happy i love him so much hes just sweet and <3 i love you you make my heart feel <3 nice and sweet and kind i love you you mean the world to me you make me so emo i wahhhh i love you <3

[tayegi]

i have so many theories right now...what if the guys are just trying to win a bet set on the oc? or maybe jk just doesn’t realize he likes the oc and mistakes his own actions as platonic ones? also, as readers, we see the story through the oc’s eyes so we focus on that angst part at the end of chap9, but then again, the oc has stated multiple times to hoseok and so many people that her and jk would never be more. whatever she went trough there, jk could have been trough the same a million times.

ahhhh you guys are the best!!! srsly i am so honored to have so many thoughtful, lovely, incredible asks theorizing about the plot and what jk’s intentions are!!! i would love to respond to each and every one of them, but unfortunately, i am unable to confirm or deny anything!

But i think these are super interesting and i’ve read all of them, and i’d love it if other ppl did as well! MORE ASKS UNDER THE CUT: 

Anonymous said:I know Hoseok wasn’t in this chapter but I feel like Hoseok is gonna play her like jk did and she’s gonna be left in the dust with no one and resort to being even more icy. Jungkook has a lot of problems and it’s really evident that he likes her in that way. Fuckbois are really something else man. They get scared of affection yet lead girls on and make them scared of it. It’s like a constant cycle of insecurity. Damn I wish she was with jimin. He would’ve provided all the love and affection

Anonymous said:lmao why is everyone assuming jk will never change and that he’s going to be an Evil Fuckboi™️ forever. like, we can see how the oc changed throughout the story, so why y’all thinking jk can’t do the same. the story isn’t over, there is more to learn, and the oc and jk have more development to go through. anyway, deep in my heart I’m hoping they’ll get a happy ending 💜

Anonymous said:Why do I get the feeling that Jungkook has slight romantic feelings towards the oc but his fear of not wanting to get hurt outweighs those thoughts. I don’t know though I might be completely off😫Thank you for the update!

Anonymous said:I tried reading the story in JK's POV and I cant help but feel as if he isnt the one at fault for making OC cry. Yes, he rejected her but he's known as a fkboy. He stated clearly that he didn't want a relationship, he thought OC knew that clearly. Thus he thought they were just friends. All the things he said was misinterpreted into a romantic way cause people kept forcing OC to view their relationship romantically. I felt that if ppl didnt do that, OC wldnt have developed feelings for him.

carlyangel123 said:Ok everyone is saying that Jungkook hasn't changed at all and I'm not saying like oh yall wrong or anything😂. But I think, based on Jungkook's showcase of clinginess and affectionate actions through the past chapters, that he HAS fallen for the OC. However, bc of his past (not wanting to go through another possible heartbreak), his assumption the OC would never like him, and just maybe insecurities that he's denying it and forcing himself to be indifferent like the OC did in the beginning.🤔🤔

Anonymous said:Nah nah nah nah lu i refuse to believe that everything jungkook did was all platonic but through oc’s eyes we saw as romantic. Im trying to remember everything he’s done for her and trying to see it from a platonic pov but i cant. So here’s my conclusion: jk likes oc but during the car ride and seeing his hand in hers he had a realization and became fearful of being hurt like he was before. Thats why he put his barriers up again CUZ LIKE HOW COULD THAT BE THE SAME JK I JUST ALDJSKAHALA

Anonymous said:Jin was an ass who only wanted sex, cheated on y/n and didn't care for her, many people think that Jk may've gone through something similar with his ex, but I think JK's ex was totally different, she was in fact... the opposite. Possessive, wanted to be with jk all the time, didn't let him breath, etc... That's why he doesn't want a relationship, he suffered the opposite extreme of what the oc suffered with jin, also this would mean the oc is the complete opposite to jk's ex aka why he likes her

Anonymous said:i’m analyzing NR again and just a theory of my own: jk’s relationship with his ex girlfriend started as a fwb type and jk was the one to develop feelings first, and at first it was good and then severely went downhill? this theory is probably far from correct, but i was just piecing together the fact that he hates hookup culture, but is able to engage in it with OC, maybe jk just wanted the physical emotion or OC reminds jk of his ex? anyways i’m enjoying the story so so much! best wishes lu 💜

Anonymous said:Wait so like OC got reminded of Jin when she met JK, so I thought that maybe JK saw himself in OC? Bc sometimes they REALLY think alike.. Idk man I just had this idea.. I LOVE YOU SO DAMN MUCH LU HAVE A NICE DAYYYY–❄️🐰

Anonymous said:I've been thinking about oc's relationship with seokjin and jk's with his ex gf. We don't know anything about her except two things: the oc reminded jk of her (as jk reminded her of seokjin) and the "don't leave me like she did" he said while drunk. If seokjin helped oc build who she is and what she wants in a relationship, we could say that maybe jk wants something that lacked in his previous relationship, like emotional support or a caring hand. It matches oc's Ice Queen reputation a bit to me

Anonymous said:Omg jks roues are definitely along the lines of “dont fall for anyone”

Anonymous said:so like, i feel as tho hyejin plays a more important role than we’re realizing. why does she seem so obsessed with jk if everyone knows he’s a fuckboy who doesn’t do relationships? why does she think she’s different? why does she think she has a chance? unless they already have a history we don’t know about...?? 🤔

Anonymous said:Personally, I wasn‘t that surprised about Jungkook not feeling the same way as OC. I don‘t blame him, he was honest from the very beginning with her. At the same time, I cannot blame OC either for feeling the way she does. Hookup culture leads you to believe that the person you‘re sleeping with should not care for you. I assume that OC interpreted the signals from JK in the wrong way, and thought he might love her when, in reality, he does care about her, but not in the way she wants. (1) ☀️

Anonymous said:JK has found smn he can talk to, and share smth else beyond sex. At the very end, I think OC might be the one who will push him outside his shell but not necessarily be the one he will fall in love with. (2)☀️

Anonymous said:I feel like oc and Jungkook might be on the same wavelength but because Jungkook clearly hasn’t gotten over his ex and whatever happened he might be pushing oc away. Plus the fact he even wants to stay friends with her is quite sweet in itself. It shows he genuinely cares about her, but probably isn’t ready to have any sort of relationship. You haven’t mentioned him having any female friends either so all of that skinship he does with oc might just be his way of being friendly??

Anonymous said:I feel like Jungkook is not over his ex and maybe he will end up with her, maybe he really does like the OC for the sex and the friendship. That's all.

Anonymous said:What if JK still likes his ex? :O

Anonymous said:Hummm sometimes I feel like in the end they're just going to be experiences for each other. I mean the OC and JK, maybe they will have none relationship at all, not friendship nor fuck buddies nor bf and gf...

dodoesdidwill said:Hyejin's line "You are really good at skating. I'm amazed" what? No way he was practicing after OC took him to skate, right? There must be something we don't know yet...

Anonymous said:Ok, if "New Rules" has taught me anything, it's to NOT judge a book by its covers. I judged Mijoo too harshly & things weren't as they seemed. Not repeating the same mistake with Kook. He was obviously hurt by someone in the past, just like the OC. Sooo... Maybe OC is not the only one with new rules? Maybe Kook was so hurt, one of his rules is to not fall in love again, or to ever put himself in a vulnerable position to be hurt again? Idk but I don't think he's that much of a dickwad

Anonymous said:Okay, so you said that we've been seeing JK through the OC's perspective and that we need to sort through the facts and her assumptions. What the anon who talked about JK having FWBs for the intimacy said really made sense to me and I thought about the fact that, if my memory serves me correctly, we've only seen JK with the OC. We have no way of knowing how he's acted in other FWB relationships. Maybe this is how he's been with all of them??? I dunno.

Anonymous said:i think new rules! jk likes OC too. this thing going on between them isn't just platonic. but the problem is, he really doesn't want to invest in a relationship, as some sort of defense mechanism (kind of like repression maybe?) i can't wait to find out more about his past and see exactly how it's correlating with his actions rn. I'm super hooked in your story lu! you never fail to deliver as always 💜

Anonymous said:I think jk is just as scared of what he feels for oc as oc is scared of what she feels for jk. Like I think oc already went through a ‘I need to protect myself from my feelings for him’ phase and I think jk is going through that now after their time at the hotel. I think he realized that he likes her a lot more than he realized and after coming back he’s trying to shut his feelings so he doesn’t go through whatever happened with his ex again

Anonymous said:JK said he hated hookup culture yet he partakes in it. My theory is that he might've done the same as OC has now done. Maybe had a sort of fwb relationship with his ex and subsequently fell for them, and they broke his heart. But again, idk if that's enough for someone to want to abstain from romantic relationships forever, though it does depend on the person. I'm probably wayyyy off but it's worth a shot :')

[aitian]

5:43 am 12/29/2020

end of year.

feels right to revisit how i looked this yr on photobooth. most ppl only knew me through my webcam. i dont have many thoughts abt who i am or what im doing these days. mostly playing video games with alice. we smoked together a few days ago & i still feel like im in deadtime. like maybe i cant remember the important things im supposed to from the past. & rly existential lately. the panic is just in my throat, thinking abt how fast time is going & how there is no way back. i think there is a carceral logic behind the entrapment that all us depressed & anxious kids feel.. like the inadequacy of being alive, the failure to feel like a beautiful future is unfolding. im not sure anyone feels that way these days, & maybe thats why they r all holding on so desperately. all empires fall. im so grateful to be able to feel moms body & be her child these days. i just wanna lay my head on someones chest & feel good, warm, soft, coarse fabrics. also feeling anxious abt my classes, turning in the same essay that isnt rly an essay to all of my profs. oops. it was rly the best i could manage. vestigial body... i will finish writing smth i feel proud abt one day, & it will be written to myself. like this. 

idk when the last time i wrote was, but maybe i wanna talk abt my relationships. feels like i got a hard reset on my brain by smoking with alice. oh god. anyway i havent been talking to sherry & adele recently bc i just dont feel right around them. in november remembering again what it felt like to feel so unwelcome all the time, feel that energy & those manners replicated by them toward me.. ik i should just talk to people frankly abt the things im uncomfortable with at home now that i have so much practice doing it but i just dont want to. somehow it feels like they should all just know, that they are living alongside me all this time in various ways even if i am not saying things to them, & our actions that connect us in relationship are felt by them too. & there is some part of refusal to see the relationship for what it is. im not begging for some trans pity or for commitment.. those kinds of relationship arent real. what is real is wanting to spend time with me, wanting to experience some sort of exchange between bodies, wanting to walk toward near horizons. feels like everyone who listens & agrees when i speak just does it to be amicable. there are only so many ways i can reassure myself that ppl understand me for who i am, even when they are constantly being led astray to hurt me. like alice saying its good for doctors to have objective views of their patients, outside of any other relationship. mom saying that she trusted our teachers to teach us what we needed. getting weirdly gendered messages from friends at home, & never asked in good faith about how i feel. its rly so shitty that even questions like how was the day or what ru thinking rn or whats on the horizon r things they want me to ask, then dont want to answer, & make fun of bc they feel awkward saying anything. so stupid. its this kind of shit that holds me back from letting my desires be known, these rituals of repression & shame. & i always wanna hear ppls desires & then immediately regret asking to know that our relationship is in direct conflict with their utopias. so stupid.

today after dinner, which was in the late evening, mom & alice & i did some short yoga stuff & then we did silly lion dancing. im still sore. i stretched out everything that felt sort afterward. anyway, felt good to be goofy & sweat & breathe hard. 

what im feeling abt this year: - vestigial body x1000 --> dark room, heart beating fast, waiting & squeezing. theres that episode of midnight gospel when the dying dog/reindeer lady talks abt giving birth & dying, like squeezing & tensing & on no this moment will never end & then releasing & coming to rest & then all over again. & that is what i think abt every time i feel in panic now, or in a deep place of fear. there r some pains that cant be escaped, & they dont need to be. they r felt all the same.  - i made a new friend through q&a who is a kid im supposed to b mentoring. it just means that all relationships are reciprocal (i dont like that word either, but they r never simply one way or transactional) & we met every thursday during the school yr. i prepared short stories for us to read & writing prompts, & we wrote abt stuff.  - i just cant remember. all i remember abt this summer was going to stone valley with mom, feeling the sunlight & my tiredness (in an enveloping selse, toward my body & my spirit), playing games w sherry, playing some piano, & working on that fire emblem romhack. feels like the year went by so quickly. like i just had my birthday a few days ago, & now the new year means it is coming again soon. sometimes whole lives are vestigial. what is gruesome & magnificent abt that is that those vestigial bodies are hard to kill without clear intentions & collective effort. what sucks is the entrapment. i have been feeling this cant remember feeling in a bigger way, toward what my life was like before college, toward who i was in college now that i am so removed, & even more toward the kid whose world blossomed into smth they desperately desired & felt afraid of. middle school me would be horrified. maybe an even younger me would be proud, feel in awe or struck by the rightness of home. - i want to remember mom. the way she walks around with her hands in her pockets. 帅吗。:). how we skip/gallop sideways to avoid the wind on our walks, & she bounces when she walks like a silly kid. i love her. unruly gender, stubbornness of feelings, failure failure failure is why we r hurt but also why we r rly still allowed to be here. thinking abt moms essay, moving away from her grandma, thinking she would live together again someday. thinking abt how im home this yr, in a way i thought maybe i would never be ever again. its so cruel to leave love behind for the sake of a ritualized life i could never participate in. i wont do it. i just wont.

some feelings abt the coming year - i want to meet someone like myself & fall in love. deeply, with myself, in relationship. i wanna have sex too, & feel held in my being alive. i wanna be allowed to enjoy my body in even more regards like wearing short sleeves & feeling the sun on my arms free from dysphoria, existing in public not noticeably & feeling the evaporation of racial tension, waking up with that feeling of possibility, like i want to be alive & eat food & go outside & do those things in my body that remind me that i am a part of how the rest of this world is growing. i wanna be held in that knowing, together, of wellness & movement toward everything that means we matter to each other.  - playing video games has been so important to this vestige & i dont want it to remain that way. i wanna collect stuff & grow stuff in real life, & grow myself & my relationships too. its not living when its the mourning of the freedom i should have always had & should have every moment i am continuing to life unfreely. - i wanna do some stuff to express gratitude to the ppl i have continued some sort of relationship with. feel bad abt how no one has emailed me back in more than a month now. maybe wanna do a q&a chapbook or yearbook. complex feelings bc i am so not in relationship with the ppl i wanna care abt. it sucks. part of that is letting go of guilt too, & being real with myself abt how much responsibility is on the other body to make me feel okay in our relationships. its rly not my fault that, u kno.. everyone is used to making someone like me feel like shit. sad that my most continuous relationships this yr r with professors. those dumb feelings of obligation r killer. i guess im grateful to be legible in some ways, while feeling the intensely awkward unwillingness to be real abt our positions relative to each other. i think lots more happening in this regard in the coming months w classes, blk atlantic ecologies, maybe smth w prof lee. & sometimes thinking abt what grad school would mean. - i wanna feel slow, i wanna feel like myself, i wanna feel free. some feelings r sitting in the garden on my own in the spring, planting some stuff. thinking abt what it might grow into, coming back again & again. the sun ducks behind clouds & comes back out, & the world feels so light & passing by. & time feels forever, like i have so much patience to dream & breathe & observe. this is one of my early memories, watching shadows on the concrete/sidewalks at preschool, feeling warmer then colder then warmer again. i also wanna feel the kind of collectivity that makes me know we all insist on home. i want it to branch beyond this home that i know. & also mean that i will not throw this away. im thinking abt how to exist intimately with more than one person at once. it is smth i will learn as it comes into my life.

[jjarcc]

Brokeback Mountain and Brandon Teena

i think for me, growing up where i grew up was both good and bad. i spent a large portion of my childhood lonely, i felt isolated from other people no matter if they where adults or children. where i live its what i’ll call “the most souther” part of the midwest, we have the poverty and ideology of small-town southern america even deep into the city, and so i often find myself relating more to LGBT characters from movies set in the south rather than the cities in the north/east.

for me, Brokeback mouton really spoke to my heart. the large about of terror both men had for loving each other, the way the wives reacted when they realized their husbands where in love with one another, the movie in its whole.

the movie goes deeper than two repressed gay men having a beer and fuck once a year, the movies dives deeper into showing us the fear these men had. jacks pain and longing to be with ennis, while ennis was so scared of the idea of loving him openly that his emotions where completely shut off and absent throughout their relationship.

when ennis was young, his father had showed him some horrible shit- a gay man from their town bloody, mutilated and dead. jack never knew of this, but i believe that was the root of Dennis’s fear. he didn’t want that to be jack; or himself.

he had probably known, and likely his father too, and thats why they decided to add that into the movie. that particular scene was one of the most striking and powerful for me.

jacks family, however emotionless they where, where not like ennis’s. however, he had a lot of internalized turmoil. the turmoil turning to great frustration as time went on.

over the 20 years in their relationship, there was a lot of lying, tension, and even agony. all because of what? their fear of judgement? or, their fear of the worst; death.

when jack was found dead and ennis found out, i felt my heart stop. i felt that pain in that moment, that crushing pain that ennis felt. all his fears had come true. in a frantic frenzy to find out what happened, he called his lovers widow, and she then (as i assume) knew why her husband was always so joyful to go on those fishing trips.

the whole movie is powerful- and painful. it shows our terror to be ourselves, and shows how we often are treated.

another movie that i find myself relating to the most would be Boys Don’t cry, which is a film about Brandon Teena, a trans man who was murdered based on his identity.

(TW for some of what i talk about coming after this, there will be specific TW for when violence is mentioned)

brandon teena was born in lincoln Nebraska, which i don’t live 3 hours away from, so this one scared my pants off.

he had had quite a troubled childhood; his father died 8 months before he was born, and he spent the first few years of his childhood living with his grandmother, then eventually his mother. (TW) when he was young, he was sexually abused by his uncle, and eventually sought counseling for this.

in 1993, after some legal trouble, he moved to falls city nebraska where he first started identifying as a man openly, and then met Lana Tisdel, and some convicts by the names of John Lotter and Marvin Nissen.

in late december 1993 brandon was arrested for forging checks, and Lana ended up paying his bail. he was thrown into a woman jail, and his girlfriend of course questioned him on it, to which he said he was a Hermaphrodite working towards a sex change, and they continued dating.

Brandon’s arrest was put in the papers, and so he was outted. now, heres the fucked up part; his murder.

now, i couldn’t make myself watch this far into the actual movie, so I’m going off of a wikipedia article now, but i know it was bad. so TW for this part.

this is copied from wikipedia but ill edit it some:

During a Christmas Eve party, Nissen and Lotter grabbed Teena and forced him to remove his pants, proving to Tisdel that Teena was anatomically female. Tisdel said nothing and looked only when they forced her. Lotter and Nissen later assaulted Teena, and forced him into a car. They drove to an area by a meat-packing plant in Richardson County, where they assaulted and gang raped him. They then returned to Nissen's home where Teena was ordered to take a shower. Teena escaped from Nissen's bathroom by climbing out the window, and went to Tisdel's house. He was convinced by Tisdel to file a police report, though Nissen and Lotter had warned Teena not to tell the police about the gang rape or they would "silence him permanently". Teena also went to the emergency room where a standard rape kit was assembled, but later lost. Sheriff Charles B. Laux questioned Teena about the rape; reportedly, he seemed especially interested in Teena's transsexuality, to the point that Teena found his questions rude and unnecessary, and refused to answer. Nissen and Lotter learned of the report, and they began to search for Teena. They did not find him, and three days later, the police questioned them. The sheriff declined to have them arrested due to lack of evidence.

Around 1:00 a.m. on December 31, 1993, Nissen and Lotter drove to Lambert's house and broke in. They found Lambert in bed and demanded to know where Teena was. Lambert refused to tell them. Nissen searched and found Teena under the bed. The men asked Lambert if there was anyone else in the house, and she replied that Phillip DeVine, who at the time was dating Tisdel's sister, was staying with her. They then shot and killed DeVine, Lambert and Teena in front of Lambert's toddler. Nissen later testified in court that he noticed that Teena was twitching, and asked Lotter for a knife, with which Nissen stabbed Teena in the chest, to ensure that he was dead. Nissen and Lotter then left, later being arrested and charged with murder.

one of the real kickers for me, is that brandon’s grave is written as “Daughter, Sister, And friend”.

Because Teena had neither commenced hormone replacement therapy nor had sex reassignment surgery, he has sometimes been identified as a lesbian by media reporters. However, some reported that Teena had stated that he planned to have sex reassignment surgery.

JoAnn Brandon sued Richardson County and Sheriff Laux for failing to prevent Brandon's death, as well as being an indirect cause. She won the case, which was heard in September 1999 in Falls City, and was awarded $80,000. District court judge Orville Coady reduced the amount by 85 percent based on the responsibility of Nissen and Lotter, and by one percent for Brandon's alleged contributory negligence. This led to a remaining judgment of responsibility against Richardson County and Laux of $17,360.97. In 2001, the Nebraska Supreme Court reversed the reductions of the earlier award reinstating the full $80,000 award for "mental suffering", plus $6,223.20 for funeral costs. In October 2001, the same judge awarded the plaintiff an additional $12,000: $5,000 for wrongful death, and $7,000 for the intentional infliction of emotional distress. Laux was also criticized after the murder for his attitude toward Teena – at one point, Laux referred to Brandon as "it". After the case was over, Laux served as commissioner of Richardson County and later as part of his community's council before retiring as a school bus driver. He has refused to this day to speak about his actions in the case and swore at one reporter who contacted him for a story on the murder's twentieth anniversary.

In 1999, Brandon became the subject of a biographical film entitled Boys Don't Cry, directed by Kimberly Peirce and starring Hilary Swank as Teena and Chloë Sevigny as Tisdel. For their performances, Swank won and Sevigny was nominated for an Academy Award. Tisdel sued the producers of the film for unauthorized use of her name and likeness before the film's release. She claimed the film depicted her as "lazy, white trash, and a skanky snake". Tisdel also claimed that the film falsely portrayed that she continued the relationship with Teena after she discovered that Teena was transgender. She eventually settled her lawsuit against the movie's distributor for an undisclosed sum.[14][15]

JoAnn Brandon publicly objected to the media referring to her child as "he" and "Brandon". Following Hilary Swank's Oscar acceptance speech, JoAnn Brandon took offence at Swank for thanking "Brandon Teena" and for referring to him as a man. "That set me off", said JoAnn Brandon. "She should not stand up there and thank my child. I get tired of people taking credit for what they don't know. However, in 2013, JoAnn told a reporter that she accepted Teena being referred to as transgender in the media. Although she was unhappy with the way Boys Don't Cry portrayed the situation, she said about the film, "It gave them [gay and transgender advocates] a platform to voice their opinions, and I'm glad of that. There were a lot of people who didn't understand what it was she (Teena) was going through. We've come a long way". When asked to how the murder affects her life today, JoAnn replied, "I wonder about how my life would be different if she was still here with me. She would be such a joy to have around. She was always such a happy kid. I imagine her being a happy adult. And if being happy meant Teena living as a man, I would be fine with that."

Brandon, an interactive web artwork created in 1998 by Shu Lea Cheang, was named for Brandon Teena. The artwork was commissioned by the Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum. Much of the site's content relates to Brandon's story.[36]

The British duo Pet Shop Boys released a song called "Girls Don't Cry" (a bonus track on U.K. issue of I'm with Stupid) about Teena in 2006. Vancouver-based pop-punk band JPNSGRLS released the song "Brandon", off their debut 2014 album Circulation, in memory of Brandon Teena.

boys dont cry was very hard for me to watch because i felt a sense of attachment to brandon, both in personality and feeling. i felt like i really understood, and it scared me.

both brockback mountain and Boys Dont Cry are amazing movies, if you can, check them out. they deserve all the appreciation they can get. 

[justarturo]

Farewell to the first man I truly loved.

Sometime ago, 5 years or so, I started an internship in the HR deparment in a globally known toothpaste company. It was my first job ever and as an anxious person it was really challenging for me to adapt and evolve at the begining of this trip. However I was blessed with 3 wonderful people. People who I love so much until today.

My boss, an estoic, serious, but loving man; his best friend, a fierce, powerful, stubborn woman who craved love and understanding from others, and their other best friend. A childish, kind of goofy, confident man. They were 47, 48 and 33 years old respectively, I was 20. Huge age gap, however we became truly good friends.

My boss, who I will refer as J, was my role model, we clicked on immediately and worked as perfect as any of those swiss clocks they mention in movies. We were an odd pairing. I was a hardworking, anxious, emotionally vulnerable young man, he was an emotionally distant, kind of lax and lazy adult, however as the only members of our team, we delivered some of the best results the area had gotten in years. We were truly a team, and thats how we became friends, and in some way our relationship evolved in work father-work son.

My female friend, who I will refer as Y. Was my confident and ally inside the HR department. She was the administrative assistant and I, as the HR intern, had to work very close to her. We shared secrets, gossip, defend each other in the line of duty and gave each other strength. And up to today, I can tell you with certainty we still do.

My other friend, whose name is V, was introduced to me by the other two people mentioned. At first he didn’t belong to HR but to Supply Chain, however he welcomed me to the company as if he had already known each other for years. I was dazzled by him. His personality, although a little childish, was confident and secure and that truly did a number in me. I decided We should become friends, no, best friends, no, the best of best friends. He was not shy, he was not quiet, he was everything I was not. As he wasn’t in the HR department, it took me a little longer to get to know him better, but after a couple of months, we started to become best buds. And with the company of Y and J, I felt as if I had belonged, not only to the company, but to the group since forever. Truly one of the happiest times of my life.

When I was with V, we laughed, helped each other, we cried, we talked honestly (or so I thought) we shared meals, even when we kind of argue, we would shake it off in no time. Now i know I loved him, I still do, at least the first facet of him I knew.

At the time I had not even came to terms with mt sexual orientation, and I did not consider myself a gay man. Buried deep inside my unconscious I knew I liked men, however this had been a personal struggle I had chosen to repress since I was 17. But when I was with V I did not even had to try to come to terms I was just happy to be close to this awesome man i admire so much and be good friends to each other. I was so happy when he told me his wife was pregnant. I truly was excited, he desired so much to become a father that when that wish started to become reality I was so happy for him. I met his wife at his birthday and loved her, I even remember thinking! OMG she is so nice and smart, we have so many thins in common. Now I dont know if thats good or not. U decide.

For almost two years I was the happiest and most hardworking boy inside the company, but then my worst nightmare came to life, I was moved from HR to Customer Development (Sales) deparment. I was crushed. I missed being J’s right hand, my job, my tasks, my projects, etc. J, Y and V were still my friends but I felts as if something had been ripped from my heart. I got depressed and anxious, I had at least one Panic attack per day, followed by several deppresion episodes, in which I would cry inside a meeting room, hidden frim everyone else. J and Y were so supportive and understanding, they even cried with me. But V was not. He could not empathize with couldn’t or wouldn’t. He claimed that everything was fine and I should be thankful and shake those concerns of mine off of me. He tried to make me happy with presents and meals, but I was truly truly sad. The thing that upset me the most was that a few days before my “promotion” he attended my college graduation with Y. He was so happy for me, he hugged me so hard and I remember hugging him so hard too. I felt so safe. He even bought me an Apple Watch as graduation present. He spent at least 10 Thousand mexican pesos, which is not cheap, to buy me that present. To be fair, his family is loaded, but still, its a lot, he could have simply bought me dinner or some clothes, but he decided to buy me the recently announced Apple Watch. I still have it btw, I treasure it as the last piece of our relationship.

After I was promted everything went spyralling, and we kinda grew apart. He tried to make me happy but failed to acknowledge my pain, I refused to let him try to make me forget and move on, and failed to acknowledge his attempts of helping me. We started to argue more and more often about stupid shit. Truly. We are both, prideful stubborn guys. And that really started to mess up our friendship. At the time I started to notice this very attractive lad in the Marketing deparment named F. I was truly infatuated by his appereance. He was truly a 9 in the hotness meter, and decided to get closer to him. Opened up about my orientation to two other friends outside the company, but decided to keep it hidden from J, Y and V, and truly anyone else. I asked this guy out even tho I knew he was in a relatonship at the time. Luckily for me, he was an asshole, so I just moved on. Soon I decided to quit the company as I was truly and deeply depressed. J and Y although sad, were supportive, but V was truly not. He got mad, we argued several days in a row, he said I was being stupid and a lot more shit. The week before my departure, we had came to terms, or so it seemed and chatting it slipped that I liked the F dude and that I had asked him out. Shockingly for me, he was TRULY supportive, he said that it was ok, that There was not anything wrong with me and he was glad I’d told him. It shocked me because he came from a very traditional catholic family, who usually mock gay, women, etc. You know.... catholics.... anyway. I thought this would help us to still be close or even closer after I left the company. However it did not change the fact we grew apart

After I left V started to avoid long whatsapp conversations, long phonecalls, dinner plans with Y, J and me, and if he accepted to attend, he would usually be quite passive agressive and throwing shade to my decisions and current life outside the company. As I was depressed I did not even fight against or for him. I just let it go until One day In a casual conversation he said “i was sad, but now I’m over you”. It hit me like a bomb. First this comment made me realize how much I loved him, truly, and discover how much I craved him in my life. Not only as my friend, but as a man in my life. Second it deeply saddened me to discover this as he hAd discovered he was no longer interested in having a deep connection with me. It was then I knew we were like a couple. An emotionally built couple. We had built a relationship between him and me that was as intense and meaningful as any of my other friends with their respective partners. There was nothing sexual about it, at least not consciously, but we loved each other. Sadly, it was not an authentic love, it was a possesive selfish kind of love.

Nowadays we talk twice a year top. Sometimes I miss him more, some other times I’m able just to remember to what once was and what could have been without hurting much, as I have evolved now to a more mature and empowered paychologist with a clear pad for my personal and professional life. I do not regret leaving the company, I only regret that we could never speak up and open up and letting him now I wasn’t quitting on him. Maybe it could have been different if I had. Nowadays, I’m somewhat afraid to let people in and to try to build and seek for a relationship with other man, because it truly hurts looking back. And hopefully writing about this will help me give closure to the V & A never happened relationship and ruined friendship.

I loved him. I think I still do, but I love myself more.

Ps. Forget my spelling and grammar as the post advances, My eyes were a little watery when I got deeper into my memories.

[mckoriginals-blog]

Chapter 1: It was a long road that brought him here. And like most stories of true love, it all began with a girl. But we'll get to that later. First... The boy. Clark had endured pain. Physical first. For years. What a 2 year old toddler could do to provoke years of anger... Clark still couldn't say. He only remembered that his concept of love was directly connected to deep mistrust and a sincere wish to please the people around him. Sometimes he found the way quickly. He gave his father what he needed and the beating stopped. Sometimes, there was no reason behind it. So the beating didn't stop. Bruises became choke marks. Black eyes became swollen. Cuts became stitches. Lies became commonplace. There was a "happy family narrative." In fact, the entire family could have lost everything if certain people knew. So the burden fell upon the boy, to keep up the lies, to suffer in silence, and to endure the nightmares. All of this shaped how he loved. All of this is important. From age 2 to age 7, Clark was hurt in ways that still affect him today. He remembers those years, especially at night. First, he couldn't sleep. His father would pass the room, see Clark's eyes open, and his imposing shadow moved closer as he entered the room. The door would close. And merciless violence was his punishment. For being awake. Not loud, not even talking. He was not out of bed. He was in bed, as asked, falling to rest... Just not fast enough. The next week he hid under his bed. He knew he wasnt asleep yet. He knew his Dad would see him. If he hid, he couldn't find him. Or maybe he'd see the fear he instilled in his only son and feel shame. The beating that night was one of the worse he had ever received. He learned to fake sleeping. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes not. Sometimes hearing, "Clark. Are you awake?" Was enough to make him shake in fear. This answered the question. His emotions betrayed him. His father knew. He was rewarded with pain. Between 2 and 7, Clark learned something. A fail-safe. The way to stop the physical abuse. He had to cry. Everytime he did, it brought his father out of it. His father would stop. He'd apologize, begging his confused son for forgiveness. What child would refuse their Dad that? But... The sentiment.... "It will never happen again, Clark. I promise, I'll never hit you again." That was a lie. So he knew promises were not for him. And he stopped crying. The abuse got worse. As the rage built within him, desperate to see tears and fear in the eyes of his son, Clark's father was instead met with stoicism. A cold resolve. Emotionless eyes from his son. The beatings would go on for years, but Clark never cried again for his father. Eventually, Clark's mother left his father. His sisters were staying with her. Clark was old enough to make the choice. He still remembers this moment. "My Dad is staying. My mother and sisters are moving. My Dad will be alone. I don't want him to be alone. I choose Dad." Clark's mother cried. How do you explain to your 7 year old son that his empathy was going to be met with abuse? He didn't know it was wrong. He didnt know other sons were loved, not hit. The family never taught him the difference because if he knew, his father's career would have ended. Somehow, his mother convinced Clark that his father would be ok and his little sisters needed him more. And at age 7, Clark moved into a house of kindness, compassion, and patience. And he forgot the abuse. Repressed it. For many years. People asked why Clark didn't make eye contact. Some asked him directly. Guessing correctly. "Were you ever hit, son?" And Clark smiled. "Of course not." And he thought it was the truth. Chapter 2: Clark was popular. He wasn't the best athlete. He did ok. He wasn't the most confident kid. He fought insecurities often. But he was a few other things. He was smart. He devoured books. Watched the news. Thought and asked questions beyond his years. He was nice. His heart was big and he wore it on both sleeves. He was funny. He made kids laugh, adults chuckle, and his sarcastic nature made him see optimism and positivity in the darkest of times. And because of this, people liked him. And Clark liked being liked. Then, Clark felt a new emotion. You may disbelieve it. And the intensity of it can be doubted and debated. But Clark found love at a young age. And it became his everything. This powerful force suddenly became his main focus. Everything in life was in the pursuit of it. He wrote and spoke passionately. He charmed. He wooed. He found all his strengths could be used to win the hearts of the girls he fell for. Jokes made him funny. Poems made him romantic. Kindness made him sensitive. Intelligence made him interesting. But love is complex. And betrayal... Painful. Love was innocent at 7. Losing it was hard at 10. And finding his girlfriends cheating at 13, well. That was devastating. 13. The year his mother and father fought. Thats the year the nightmares started again. Thats the year he remembered. This is where Clark became broken. But... he did survive. And two years later, he met the girl who made him whole. Layla. Chapter 3: Sitting in base housing, Clark listened to the most heinous things being said about his mother. Insults, for no reason. It was too much. His father was mad at her. So he sat his three children down and told them every disgusting nasty thing he thought about her. They went home in tears. Clark felt them welling up, but did not let them fall. He was good at holding back tears. "Mom? Dad said this. And this. It's not true, right?" Then she repeated his infraction. She told her teenage son and daughters about how terrible their father is. Clark ignored it all. He was a cheater. A sex addict. A deviant. Whatever... Clark thought to himself. As though his mother could read his mind, she turned to Clark. "Plus, dont forget all the things he did to you." Clark felt something in the back of his mind. A wall. Cracking. "The bruises. The scars." The wall was shaking, struggling to keep something back. "He used to beat you, Clark." The wall collapsed. "No, he didnt..." Clark said. Then he yelled it. Then he cried. Then he ran. But he was starting to remember. And he would never forget again. The nightmares came. But they were memories. He knew, because he asked each time. "Did he give me a bloody nose?" "Yes." "Did he make me lie at the base picnic?" "...Yes." "Did he come into my room?" "Almost every night..." "AND YOU LET HIM? FOR HOW LONG?" He didn't like the answer. His popularity took a hit. He withdrew. He battled depression. He had trouble socializing. Clark's entire fucking world fell apart. And things were about to get worse. Chapter 4: Its interesting. When you have a strong sense of justice and someone in your family breaks the law. It can disillusion you and make you question your entire perspective. It can drive you away from your family. It can make you leave. Clark left his mother's house and moved in with his father. Clarks father tried to explain the past. "Your Mom tricked me. She said she was on birth control." Gee. I was an accident. Im so sorry. Thanks Dad. I understand now. But there was one thing about his father he knew. His father followed the law. So he stayed. The internet, messaging... It was just becoming a thing. Clark loved computers. He loved the internet. He read. Wrote a lot. And he played Checkers. Online. And he met Barry. A Canadian. They talked about video games. Barry told him about a Romanian born classmate, Alex. Alex started playing Checkers too. He was a computer whiz. In a few days, he taught Clark how to read HTML, make webpages, send documents, download songs, and even IM. It was innocuous the day. Clark logged into MSN messenger. Alex greeted him. Clark was doing homework. Barry joined the room. Then Gabe. Clark was getting overwhelmed. Remembering what his Dad did took away his extroverted side. He was completely shy. Nervous. Doubtful. He didn't know Gabe well. Clark was thinking of an excuse to leave... "Hey, Clark. There's one more person who wants to join. Is that ok?" Alex asked. Clark wanted to say no. To this day, he can't tell you why he didn't. He was a people pleaser. Maybe that's why. "Yeah. Of course." *Layla has joined the chat room*