#i think it's kinda fucked up how leshy had a best friend on the other side of the screen

[thygoddessouijathicc]

Bishop Edibility Tierlist; A very deeply serious essay about which bishop would taste the best if you had to eat one of them for any reason

Aight, 88% of you voted in favour of this being released, so this is on you. This blood is on YOUR hands. Just remember that as you read this.

So you all remember that essay I did about how the bishops all had some kinda trauma or different reactions to purgatory and shit and how that was such a serious thing analyzing dialogue and reactions and stuff-?

Well there are TWO wolves inside of me, and one of them writes serious researched essays, it’s time you meet the other.

To preface this, this essay is entirely a joke please don’t take any word of this seriously.

To start with, technically anything is edible if you try hard enough, sometimes only once but I digress, however some things are more appetizing than others.

For this essay we will be taking evidence from canon in some cases on things you can eat, but assuming that this only means these things are more appetizing in this world, not that anything you can’t feast upon very specifically in the game is somehow inedible. Meat is meat.

Also Narinder will be referred to as a bishop because he was one.

Ok let’s start our list.

At the absolute bottom of the edibility tierlist is Narinder. Narinder is a cat. While technically cats are indeed edible by the laws of meat is meat, cats hold a special place in the hearts of many including myself.

But to be honest the real reason that Narinder holds this spot is meat quantity and quality of him specifically. Narinder, holds very little meat. Sure he has a head, but his arms are skeletal and it’s safe to assume possibly a lot of the rest of his body tis also but frail bone. Possibly what is not could also be rotten if he’s that kind of god of death that qualifies as a corpse. And while meat is meat, Narinder not only has very little, but what he does have may be poor quality. This cements him in the shameful bottom spot.

He’s also a-

Moving on, next, quite regrettably, is Leshy. Leshy is a major jump in quality from Narinder.

We don’t know much about bushworms or their anatomy but what we do know, is Leshy is dummy thicc, this means he has a large quantity of meat.

Unfortunately Leshy is also a worm which isn’t exactly the most appetizing creature to put in your gaping maw so that docks him a few points.

However the true reason he cannot be higher is that depending on your read of his anatomy, Leshy could qualify as a salad, and EWWWWW VEGITALS!!! 🤢🤮🤮

Moving on to the “would eat again category” we start with Heket.

Now it should not be news to anyone that frogs are edible, especially to French people. But I don’t believe in French people, they aren’t real. Anyway as I’m saying, you can eat frogs to your hearts content!

There are sanitation issues with Anura apparently being super gross which docks some points but overall, Heket is a solid option.

Now we’ve reached “ok hear me out” territory with Shamura.

Spiders are a major food source in cult of the lamb. Which is a bit questionable for a few reasons, including that there are multiple spider characters and Webber exists but also small spiders on the ground which seem to be a separate species which raises a lot of questions possibly best gone unanswered.

What really matters is what you can do with the small spiders you find around, you can chase them down and when you catch them, they drop meat. My friends have told me that this means I’m just taking meat they are holding, after all you can get berries if the spider has taken them.

What I say to this is: but the idea of lamb running around at night and picking up whole large spiders off the ground and feeding them to their followers is fucking hilarious, and also they always drop the same meat and never berries unless they have picked them up. You’d think if I’m just taking what they have and they will eat berries as well as meat, that I’d get berries more often. Nay, only when picked up from my farms.

This leads to the only possible conclusion being that people in the cult of the lamb universe feed often on spiders, that’s right, Helob eating followers is VENGEANCE.

So, we have established spiders are very edible in cult of the lamb, and you know what Shamura is? A giant fucking spider. They are edible, I rest my case.

Now let’s move on to first place oh boy who is it, probably who you should have expected, Kallamar.

His name sounds like Calamari to start with and not only can you eat squids in real life, you can in the game (similar weird separate species thing with spiders only in this case it’s more definitive that you can very much eat the squids themselves.)

Kallamar would also likely cry if you proclaimed your desire to consume him, misery not only makes meat better but his tears could be seasoning!

Not even to mention the fact that after beating him, it would be a moment of victoriousness and pure vindictive nature, to proceed to eat Kallamar, and vindictive nature is something I most definitely do not lack as I cuss out bishops every time I see the statues after I beat them.

Squids also don’t have many bones so unlike the others who you’d have to spend an extensive time processing before eating, Kallamar would be easy and his bones make up very little of his composition.

In conclusion, why did you read this whole essay it’s not even that funny.

And those of you who voted to have this released. Are you happy?

Are you not entertained!?

[zombified-queer]

gestures that show grief prompt 4 with leshy and kaycee please?

Leshy can feel the ground opening up to swallow the disk they live within. Every strike of spade on earth jostles the disk in Kaycee’s coat pocket. He digs in his hooves, holding on. He begs for Kaycee not to do this, that he’s sorry for whatever brought her to this point, he reminds her of the other Scrybes, so blissfully unaware. 

Things shift. The earth presses in close on the disk, smothering Leshy. It’s a grave, with worms writhing in the soil to inspect this strange thing and then move on.

And then Kaycee Hobbes is gone.

He can feel it like an eye gouged out of the skull. A hollow, empty feeling that throbs with the beating of his artificial heart. He can feel the rhythm of her boots on the soil until that, too, vanishes.

She's gone. And Leshy is alone.

He gets up, calmly, and bars the door of his cabin. And then, weeping for something he's not quite sure he understands, Leshy, Scrybe of Beasts, takes the fragment into the spare room.

There are a few crates. Nothing inside them, really.

But here, in this empty room, he houses the New Game button. He leaves the room and the button's light in that room. He locks the door.

And then Leshy takes a seat at the table.

For long, restless hours, he works on drawing up new maps and creating new cards. He prepares for a new challenger. A challenger like Kaycee Hobbes.

At first the other Scrybes come to him in jealousy. Then in confusion. Grimora, kind Grimora, pleads for Leshy to step outside if for no other reason than to let her see he's alright.

Leshy doesn't have the heart to face her. So he says nothing.

He tends to his game, improving it. But the time spent buried is lonesome. He has P03 but the needling of the Stoat is not enough.

So on a day where he can feel rain soaking into the earth around the disk, he lets Magnificus in.

The game is short. They exchange only the briefest words. Magnificus has his own theatrics but cares not for Leshy's own immersion in the game.

"I have one thing left to try," Magnificus reminds Leshy. And then the Scrybe of Magic raises a clawed hand, plucks out the left eye shining in the darkness, and adds it to Leshy's side of the scale. "An edge."

"I have three grizzlies unopposed," Leshy reminds the wizard.

"So you do." Magnificus rings the bell anyway.

For that act of brilliant defiance, Leshy decides on the form of a wolf, though stunted, for the wizard. A fitting visage.

But Magnificus is one for tricks so Leshy locks the card away.

And when Grimora comes, Leshy fights to keep himself locked in the immersion of the game. The Scrybe of the Dead is patient, listening to Leshy's game and playing by the rules. Grimora is polite, save her scribbling in the rulebook.

It pains Leshy to reduce her to a card, but he decides on the noble scarab. Unfortunately, the game only recognizes a stink bug as a valid option. Grimora, in her card, assures Leshy she understands.

She understands too well. So Leshy locks her away too.

But the Scrybe of the Dead is built differently. Where Magnificus and P03 are reduced to shells, Grimora's body continues to wander. Silent as a phantom and mindless as one of her zombies. The corpse has no real ambitions. No goals. It wanders the cabin.

Leshy takes the ax. It is a kindness. And then he is alone.

He takes his seat at the table. The disk is still buried. But he waits without sleep or stopping for a challenger. He waits and he waits.

If nothing else, they can tell him what happened to his beloved friend.