#i think it is mainly because of my own problems with grief

[sungjinhos]

i love how seventeen encapsuled depression into a mp3 file

[bibibbon]

I don't think a lot of Aizawa stans realize or care about how all-take-and-no-give his relationships with Mic and Midnight are.

I read somewhere that Mic and Oboro were friends longer than either of them had known Aizawa, and Aizawa's over here acting like only he lost him. Mic canonically put his own grief on the back burner to be there for Aizawa, and how is he thanked? By constantly being told to shut up and being belittled.

Midnight (maybe?) gave Aizawa the teaching position at UA to help with his grief. Now, she shouldn't have done that, especially since Aizawa had made it clear that he didn't want to teach, but he could have put his foot down and not taken the position! Instead, he makes an ass of himself to everyone around him - his students in particular. In a setting where common sense exists, this would give Midnight a bad look, but you know Aizawa doesn't care about that. He doesn't even seem to care that Midnight DIED, though that's mostly due to her death being purely for shock value 🙄.

Again, in a setting where common sense exists, Mic and Midnight would have called him out on his bullshit a long time ago and probably would have asked themselves, "why are we still friends with this guy?" It's especially upsetting, since he's compared to Kakashi so much. Kakashi has plenty of his own issues, but he's way more of a genuine friend to Guy than Aizawa supposedly is to Mic and Midnight.

Hi @nutzgunray-lvt 👋

Iam not sure if it is canon that present mic and oboro have been friends for a longer time but if it is thats not a good look on aizawa.

From the little we see of the rooftop squads friendship a lot of it does consist of present mic and midnight giving to aizawa than aizawa giving to either of the two.

For example, present mic was there for Eraserhead after the first war arc and present mic was also there for eraser after the usj arc. Midnight did recommend and nudge aizawa into becoming a teacher at UA and in the vigilantes manga it was thanks to her that oboro, mic and aizawa got an internship at a hero agency.

However, this begs the question what does aizawa do for his friends?

Nothing. (Or well canon doesn't show us that he does anything. Do correct me if Iam wrong of course)

Now sure you can definitely point fingers at horikoshi and say that he simply didn't actively include present mic and midnight in his story and that they were mainly there to prop up or almost be tools for aizawa and his development and to that I do agree but it doesn't change the fact that this is the dynamic that canon seems to establish between these characters.

I suppose you're talking about this scene when aizawa interrupts present mic telling him that midnight died and also present mic expressing his grief.

Now I won't deny that this is incredibly rude on aizawas part and that if aizawa were to listen and offer support it would at least show that he does give back to his friends but I suppose horikoshi thought it would be more important to give us "dadzawa". Personally, I do believe that there could of been a balance that we could of indeed received present mic expressing his feelings and aizawa offering support while having them talk and debrief about the entire situation yet we didn't get that.

I have seen the rebuttal that aizawa only did this because he didn't want to hear that midnight died and that he was also burying his emotions but I do suppose that's up to interpretation. My main problem is that midnight's death doesn't get brought up again after this moment between this duo/trio (if they count kurogiri).

In the end even after kurogiri dies due to bakugo it all feels empty and it's not properly talked about between mic and eraser who witnessed this moment.

I think that the kurogiri/oboro reveal really could of shown us more of all the characters sides. It could of shown us then caring and supporting eachother and also seeking comfort in eachother. There were many moments where we could of seen aizawa comfort or give to his friends but we don't and I really don't think that's supposed to be intentional writing from horikoshi.

[saintsenara]

Do you think there’s any situation in which Sirius/Snape could work as a ship if James Potter was alive/around?

I love both Sirius/Snape and Sirius/James (platonic, romantic and everything in between) as ships so I’d love to see a universe in which the 3 of them have a lovely time together but I dunno if I can picture it. I can mainly see Sirius/Snape working with James and Lily dead and Sirius post Azkaban because it really brings him off his pedestal and leaves that shared grief and longing for that intensity of companionship.

I guess part of the problem is trying to imagine Sirius being able to even remotely care about or prioritise someone else with James in the picture, even if James is only giving platonic on his end. But then doubly so if that person was someone James had a massive rivalry with and doesn’t want near his wife. (Although if he knew Snape wasn’t interested in Lily like that maybe he’d chill out about it? Or would only child syndrome kick in and he’d hate him even more for trying to “steal” Sirius from him because it would be really shocking and maybe low key traumatic for James to have any less than 110% of Sirius’ attention…again even if they were only platonic… 🤔)

If it was going to work I could see it maybe more after Hogwarts when they’ve all grown up a bit and James and Lily are wrapped up in their family and Sirius is a bit adrift at adjusting to not being able to have all of James all of the time.

The closest I’ve seen to making something like it work was a fic where Snape was horribly tortured for killing Peter in front of Voldemort to stop him telling the secret and it left him vegetative for years and the Potters cared for him and eventually Sirius took over so they could go live their married lives. I was really interested in where they were going with it and pretty sold on that being a situation in which it could end up all happy families but unfortunately the fic was kinda preslash and stopped before it explored how things would go romantically for Sirius/Snape after Snape regained his consciousness.

Would love to hear your thoughts on any scenarios in which you think the 3 of them could get along swimmingly!

My other thought was maybe if Sirius had been put in Slytherin and James decided to talk his way into Slytherin to be together, they might eventually adopt Snape into their wider friendship group for his dry wit the way they did Remus. I feel like James was waiting his whole life to have both a best friend and his own gang and would make one wherever he was with the best of what he had available (lbr Peter is hardly a stellar pick), and without the “he’s evil because he’s Slytherin” divide they could potentially find the Dark curses Sev knows fun/useful against whoever else they decide to bully instead, might notice in the shared dorm how poor he is and get a pity thing going like they did for Remus’ werewolf issue (which Snape’s pride would hate but he’d probably milk knowing how he was with Lucius?), and if Snape was gay and as devoted to a crush on Sirius as he was to the canon one on Lily and therefore willing to do some wing maning for James with Lily to keep in James and Sirius good graces, it could really cement his value as a pal….and if Snape had other options for well connected friends who could get him out of Cokeworth (picturing Fleamont setting up summer internships for James’ unfortunate looking poor but impeccably mannered pal at Sleekeasys R and D department 🥹) I’m sure Snape would be happy to not bother with the blood supremacist half of his year who want his childhood best friend dead (unless we think he joined to be in with them as a way to keep Lily safe, but I think that would be more a rationale he’d give himself or her later to justify his behaviour) ……..but anyway even if all of this elaborate scenario could happen so that the 3 of them would be pally, I still can’t picture Sirius being able to love/fancy someone more than James if James is right there, even if it’s only platonic on James’ end.

Unless I guess we take a reading of canon that Sirius was so mean to Snape because he fancied him madly and was furious about it, or because he could sense the queerness in him he hated/was being told by family to squash out in himself. Then maybe they’d have a special type of connection that could be powerful in a way Sirius wouldn’t be able to share with a straight James? Would that be enough though for Sirius never see one without the other Black? 🤔

I do think if that was the friendship group and they made Snape the secret secret keeper instead of Peter James and Lily might have lived! (And Snape might have let himself get killed keeping the secret 🥲) …although that said if Peter had an inkling James Potter might go to Slytherin he probably wouldn’t have fought the hat so hard and would have still been in the gang too!

I’ve really gone on a tangent here but yeah so interested in any scenarios you could see it working, I think about this a lot and I love the way you think about HP things! 👏

thank you very much for the ask, anon!

this is a question which i've wondered about for a while, which i'm going to answer with a tentative... yes.

because i do agree with you that one of the things which makes snack-in-the-90s really work is their shared grief over the loss of james and lily [and their shared guilt and desire to punish themselves for the role they each played in their deaths] and how it contributes to them being one of the series' most interesting narrative mirror pairings.

but it's equally true that they're narrative mirrors even without the grief aspect simply because of their mirrored love - whether you wish to interpret this as platonic or not - for one half of james and lily, and the quiet devastation [even though sirius expresses this very differently to snape] they feel when the two pair off.

and so i do think - in a world in which both james and lily survive [i don't think it can be either/or] - there is the potential for snape and sirius to find themselves drawn together by a grief which is less profound than that caused by james and lily's deaths, but is still transformational in a way that i think is often overlooked in fandom: the grief of realising that the person you love doesn't feel the same way.

because i love platonic prongsfoot and platonic snily as much as the next girl, and i think that the grief i'm describing can apply just as much to platonic love as to romantic love.

but i prefer - and, indeed, i'm on the record as being convinced this is the text's actual intention - to read both snape's love for lily and sirius' love for james as romantic.

and - obviously - the intensity of this feeling prevents either snape or sirius getting a grip while they're in their teens [especially if they're both also grappling with the idea that they're not straight - i'm afraid i've never bought the fanon that the wizarding world is more enlightened when it comes to sexuality]. it makes perfect sense that - as you say - it's impossible for the nineteen-year-old sirius to imagine caring about someone the way he care about james, and to convince himself that the only way he can live his life is to spend decades pining nobly from afar, never letting on how much his heart aches.

but one of the great tragedies of the canonical snape and sirius is that they get stuck in a state of arrested development from their lives - essentially - stopping when they're both twenty-one. there's an inherent pettiness to their interactions in canon - the obsessing over schoolboy experiences, the fact that snape finds himself stuck at school and sirius finds himself stuck in his childhood home - which other characters clearly don't quite understand [dumbledore saying to harry at the end of order of the phoenix that sirius was too sensible to be goaded by snape seems dismissive in the context of what we - the readers - have seen, but it makes perfect sense that - from dumbledore's perspective - a thirty-six-year-old man wouldn't still care about playground beef from twenty years ago.]

in a world where james and lily live, snape and sirius get a chance to act their actual ages - and with that, sirius gets to learn how to accept that his role in james' life will change as his best friend settles into being a husband and father and snape either gets to learn how to stop pining for lily from afar or how to start trying to make amends for his treatment of her.

and james and lily also get to grow up too - to recognise how their priorities towards their friends will change as they form a family of their own and to see their school days [and their behaviour during them] more objectively the further removed from them they become. james at eighteen would rather die than have anything less than 110% of sirius' attention. james at thirty has other things to worry about.

i think that it would only work in a scenario where snape and sirius encountered each other again after having left hogwarts [i like the slytherin!james suggestion - and i'd be interested to see how you'd write it - but i personally think that there's no way on earth james is having snape anywhere near him until he's - for want of a better term - "won" their rivalry over lily]. but i also think it would only work if that scenario was decades after they graduated, rather than years, and that the two don't meet again until they're - at least - in their early forties.

i think you could do something really quite interesting with james in that setting - as he realises, as his children reach adulthood and start to fly the nest, that sirius is chronically single and decides the project he wants for his middle age is to find his friend true love.

never expecting that his friend will bail from a date he arranges with a lovely woman and end up hiding in the leaky cauldron talking to snape - but then being mature enough [after some running around screaming "snape? snape?" at lily] to think that if sirius is happy, then he is.

and on this point, both sirius and snape canonically struggle to be realistic about how they see themselves and their worth - for example, in how they both refuse to believe that they could successfully atone for their roles in causing james and lily's deaths. when this is combined with the fact that sirius grew up in a community which is obsessed with blood and lineage - and how that blood and lineage is continued - and snape grew up with his primary masculine role-model being a violent man who was presumably also a homophobe, i do think that both of them would find it difficult to be open about their sexuality, especially since - in a world where they get to live normally after 1981 - they would be starting to understand themselves as queer during the aids crisis [which i refuse to believe doesn't impact the wizarding world, because i loathe the implication of canon that wizards are resistant to muggle diseases].

i think you can plausibly write them as both still in the closet in the 90s/00s - and for sirius especially to be worried about james' reaction if he found out he was interested in men. [which is a dimension often left out of things which examine sirius as queer and james as straight. lots of queer men worry - sometimes unnecessarily, sometimes, sadly, justifiably - that being open about their sexuality with straight male friends will cause those friends to back off from their platonic relationships due to a homophobic fear that queer men will automatically interpret platonic physical and emotional intimacy as romantic.]

but - whatever else he is - james clearly isn't a bigot. and i think he could once again get over the fact that sirius has shacked up with snape [snape?] in order to be proud that sirius was finally comfortable with who he is.

[and yes, i do genuinely think that sirius and snape's canonical vibe can be read as having some level of sexual attraction in it - they are both just so obsessed with each other that it's giving "why do i have this hyper-intense need to get in this other boy's face oh wait that's why"...]

[menelaiad]

Hi! I know your favorite character is Menelaus (mine too) and I wanted to ask you, what is your opinion about him in Euripides’ Oresteia? And in Euripides’ Helen? Because as I see, the Homeric Menelaus is a little different, and Euripides didn’t despict him as a nice character.

Thank you for your answer in advance! :)

hi, there!

heck yea! fellow menelaus stans unite, let's make jackets or smth.

UHHHHH i spoke about this a lot in my recent MA thesis and it's the foundation for my phd (or at least a big chunk of it) and yes i'm sorry this bitch is going off about her academics again.

so. euripides was athenian and it's fairly safe to say that the athenians altered menelaus characterisation on a HUGE scale and it was mainly euripides as he wrote the most works featuring him. and it's also fairly safe to say that euripides didn't like menelaus OR helen OR hermione simply because they were spartan and given the context of his time, he couldn't really be pro-sparta. so, he used menelaus' family in a myriad of ways to just mock ALL spartans and spartan culture. i won't go into that too much now and i'll focus specifically on the plays you asked about! :)

ORESTES (i assume you meant orestes? aeschylus did the oresteia but euripides just did this one?): so here we see .... menelaus being not very great with his family. but not in a mean way he's just .... useless .. coward like almost? he's a big fence sitter tbh. he doesn't wanna get involved in orestes' shit and that is painfully obvious. again. that's meant to make menelaus look shitty that he doesn't care about his family and his brothers death and his nephew literally having visions of hell BUT. personally? i dont blame him ASDFGHJK. man just got his wife back. got home. dealing with grief and loss and survivors guilt and maybe ptsd and shit .................... and then orestes turns up like 'help me fix my problems' BRO HE GOT HIS OWN DAMN PROBLEMS. and THEN they're like 'ok uncle that's cool. we're gonna kill ur wife and daughter though' LIKE LEAVE THE OLD MAN ALONE. i LOVE menelaus and agamemnon's dynamic. so i'm not saying menelaus didn't care about aga and aga's family. im NOT saying that. but (and i KNOW its my modern perspective) i can see why menelaus couldn't be arsed. and he wasn't even mean about it? he was just nonplussed. AGAIN the ancients would have HATED that, but my modern ass can relate tbh. and lets not forget. he's caught between a rock and a hard place. if he helps orestes, he risks greek wrath. which (in this play anyway) is already strong enough against him cause of helen and troy. so like. euripides has kinda put him in this impossible situation and then makes him the 'stupid funny lazy ass not helpful uncle' guy when he just backs out. which i think is unfair. AND TO TOP IT OFF. APOLLO COMES AND THEN TAKES HIS WIFE. AFTER EVERYTHING HE DID TO GET HER BACK. justice for this old man i s2g.

HELEN: OH HERE WE GO! SO helen is often referred to as a tragi-comedy which i think is very accurate. and euripides is using it to condemn war as a whole (athens had recently suffered a big loss) like if helen wasn't even in troy what was the point of the war? he makes menelaus very .... pathetic, for lack of a better word. and helen seems to take the reigns in their relationship, which would have been a huge no-no to the athenian audience. it would have made helen look domineering and unmanageable and menelaus weak and foolish. he also has menelaus cry a lot. cry and lament his losses as a king. again, the athenians would have hated a man crying. a GREEK HERO crying. but we have our 21st century vision and tbh ................ menelaus is fantastic in this play. he is so. real. he is so human. he is a man who is tired. who is lonely. who is heartbroken. a man who meets his wife who isn't his wife but actually is his wife ... and we're supposed to laugh at him because he's confused? he gets lambasted by so many characters and it's supposed to be funny and i think it is! i do think menelaus in helen is just .... an incredible character. he's so funny. he's so NORMAL. he reacts how you would expect a man to react. you see so many menelaus' in this play. menelaus defeated. menelaus in love. you see a menelaus in action when he comes up with the plan against proteus but also a man who respects his wife and knows when to shut up. i, much like the athenians back then, do have a giggle at menelaus in this play. but i don't hate him. it makes him all the more endearing to me and i love him.

these two menelaus' are (shockingly) two menelaus' that i like! i love helen's menelaus and i'm indifferent to orestes' menelaus tbh. but i think they're fine as portrayals and they make sense to me!

overall, me and euripides have a complicated relationship. some of his menelaus' i cannot tolerate. and some i adore. and i can actually connect his helen menelaus and his iphigenia in aulis menelaus to homeric menelaus. they're not identical by any means, but the way he behaves and his choices and stuff. you can see homeric menelaus in there somewhere, which is why i love them so much.

[ariscats]

Jameson Hawthorne analyze, part 3

The day everyone (including me) thought wouldn’t happen came into life, the day i update my series (that i started months ago) abt analyzing tig characters. Everyone pls give a round of applause to the amazing @x-liv25-jamieswife that remembered me about this and helped me a lot writing this, even writing some of the pharagraphs.

Psychology

“I should not be left to my own devices

They come with prices and vices

I end up in crisis (tale as old as time)

I wake up screaming from dreaming

One day I'll watch as you're leaving

'Cause you got tired of my scheming

(For the last time)” -Anti Hero, T.S.

We are introduced to Jameson when he's drunk and careless. We see him jump off a two-story balcony and act like his grandfather's death “doesn't matter”. And that's mainly what we get from him throughout the first book, a boy that doesn’t care for anything, not even for himself. We get a little more explanation for why he acts like this in the second book of the series, The Hawthorne Legacy, where we find out that his actions and carelessness are a coping mechanism for him. “If you let this be a game, it doesn’t have to hurt” (THL, page 113). Jameson taught himself not to care from a very young age. After all, you can’t get hurt if you don’t let yourself care for anything, and, for a boy raised in the shadow of 3 “more extraordinary” brothers according to his grandfather, it was important for him to learn how to ignore his grandfather's words and actions (and other people’s comments too). Because people cared less for him than for his brothers, he began to move through life without looking where he stepped, without giving a second thought about most things, only letting in a select group of people, people who were with him since he was born (his brother, Emily ☠️ ), but even then he couldn't fully open up. 

To avoid his feelings, he not only takes unnecessary risks that put his life in danger, but he also drinks. Drinking his emotions away allows him to focus on things other than himself. He wants to focus on anything other than himself because of his self-hatred which we will come back to later. People drink to take away the pain which is what Jameson desperately wants to do. Another one of his coping mechanisms is to think of everything as a game. By looking at everything as if it’s a game, he can easily ignore his feelings. For example, when Tobias died, and he didn’t want to think about his death and the impact he had in his life, he began to think solely about the game Tobias had left (it’s important to note that Jameson has a laser focus, which means that when he’s focused in the game, he has the opportunity to think about nothing else, which also contributes to his copying mechanism. In the books, most of the few times where Jameson is actually happy, it’s because he’s focused on a game or riddle, because it’s one of the few times he doesn't think about all the other things happening in his life.) Doing this distracts him from his problems (grief, self-hatred, insecurities). Jameson’s main priority has always been to think of anything but his emotions, and he does everything in his power in order to do so.

When his mother got pregnant, she wasn’t thinking about having a baby. For Skye Hawthorne, being pregnant meant her fathers attention and something to love her the way she wasn’t as a child. She got pregnant with a professional gambler that never cared to show up or be present at all in his life, and, when the pregnancy and the baby stage were over, so were her fathers attention, and, then, she moved on. She left him as she had left his two older brothers. She only appeared from time to time, never staying for long. Because of that, Jameson started to believe that people would naturally leave him, and that he wasn’t worth people’s attention. He thought that him being himself and being vulnerable around people would lead to them leaving him.

This brings us to his self-hatred. With his mother constantly showing up and then leaving throughout his childhood and his grandfather telling him he’s ordinary compared to his brothers, he started to hate himself. If his own family couldn’t love him and accept him, then who could? His self-hatred and his abandonment issues are what keeps him from opening up to others. Because he hates himself, he thinks that others will too if they truly get to know him which is what keeps him from being vulnerable with others. If he keeps himself from opening up to others and letting them in, they won’t learn to hate him like he hates himself and leave him. Being vulnerable also means acknowledging his own feelings which is clearly something he tries to avoid at all costs.

[limbuscompanysituations]

(post canto VI) Some angsty stuff, like Ishmael being upset because Heathcliff acts totally different, all in all mainly missing the deep friendship that has started to form between them, some longing for a feeling she can't quite explain. She wishes to help him but doesn't know how to approach him properly ww

He changed.

It's normal for sinners to experience sudden, drastic changes; be it either in opinions, values or goals. Through the entirety of a bough retrieval mission, they are forced to revisit their own life stories. Their emotions change, their thoughts change, their hearts change. They change.

This change, however, is most unnatural; she would risk calling it unnerving.

He's always at a corner, doing something to his bat. Ishmael thought it would be a matter of waiting a couple days. She decides to leave him to it. Their stay at the Wuthering Heights was confusing, with a lot of it vanishing from their minds. It was clear there was something she missed here.

She's still expecting that the camaraderie that had blossomed between them would lead Heathcliff to tell her what was up. Instead, all she got was a man who was a shadow of himself. Ishmael can't handle it anymore, so she goes ahead and confronts him about it.

He iss still modifying his bat, bowing over it and completely focused on the task at hand.

"What's your problem?" She asks. It takes a minute or so for Heathcliff to slowly raise his head and look at her. It took him another half minute for him to really look at her. It's like he's deep underwater.

"What d'ya want?" He asks back. She frowns.

"So this is how it's gonna be? Hiding at corners, sanding that damned bat over and over and... carving? What happened to you? It's like... some ghost snatched the soul from inside your body."

He flinches at the word "ghost".

"Catherine." He speaks in a barely audible whisper.

"Huh?"

"Yeah, thought so." He sighs and goes back to his task. Ishmael grits her teeth, considering whether or not she'd get scolded for beating the shit out of him then and there.

"The name doesn't ring any bells to you, or anybody, for that matter. That means I still... have much to do." He quietly explains.

"You could start with growing a spine." She growls, "And tell me what the fuck happened to you." The next words she speaks hurt her more than anything, "You used to trust me."

Heathcliff pauses, shut his eyes and presses his lips into a thin line.

"Yeah I... I used to... Think many things before." His voice is weak, cracking and drifting away at the end, "And you're right. My soul was stolen, snatched out of my bones. I'm hollow, pumpkin." He chuckles, "Hollow like... birds' bones, I guess."

And for the first time in weeks, a little bit of that grief started showing through the cracks. Their stay at Wuthering Heights was brief and chaotic, but she remembers one thing clearly: the moment his mind broke, his insanity took over and he became not a friend but a foe; overcome with pain beyond what a human could bear.

"Don't call me that." She replies, "Not when you're like... this."

"Aight, Ishmael. D'ya want anything else?" He doesn't look at her.

"I want you to come back." It doesn't take a heartbeat before she says these words, and then he raises his head to look at her again, "However long it takes. I'm waiting, you stupid piece of shit. Waiting for the moment you want to tell me what the hell happened to you. I'm waiting."

Heathcliff stares at her, wordless and exhausted.

"I'm waiting." She reassures him, and turns her back, ready to walk away.

"Thanks, ginger. I... may not be all right in the head but... that's much appreciated."

Without any other word, she leavwa him be. Whether it worked or not, only time would tell. Ishmael couldn't do anything but to wait. And if it was necessary, she didn't mind having to knock some sense into him either.

[szollibisz]

🦾 for owen? <3

🦾 A disability headcanon

Well there's quite a few, mostly post-fall

I think the major ones is that he has a permanent limp after, his left leg being the weaker one (even though they both hurt) and that he has burns on quite a lot of his body.

I try to make my hcs work with what he does in the show, mainly that he can still fight and run, but I personally attribute that to Chimera's inventions. When Owen said they have a little bit of everything and seeing them pioneer new technologies I got the idea they may also be doing something similar with medical techniques and equipment.

I think the fall and the explosion damaged him severely enough that, without these modern technologies he would be in a lot more pain and be able to do a lot less things. But I can also imagine this essentially makes him an experimental guinea pig to the doctors working at Chimera (Who, due to Owen being Owen and never opening up or dealing with his problems are the only ones who know the extent of his condition)

I think out of all the things he suffered through, the thing that bothers him the most during his new missions, besides the chronic pain is the hearing loss. I think he hates having one of his most important senses weakened, because at least his lessened ability to fight is compensated by being a good shooter.

I think because the burns would've constricted him too much he's also been through quite a bit of skin grafting, but all parts have never been grafted because it's too much surface area to take from other places on his body, and mostly they just wanted to improve his mobility and get his back to work as fast as possible.

Since he's such a proud and independent person I think his dignity suffered a lot having to be taken care of so much. He's been injured in the field before, but nothing that would make him completely rely on other people for an extended amount of time. I think due to his grief and anger he often set back his own progress by wanting to go so fast. Those instances reminded him of Curt a lot and just made him angrier.

Overall I think his mental strain was just as great as his physical, and that made him throw himself right back into work and ignore his issues and neglect caring for himself, especially because he needed it then more than ever. yeahhh i could ramble on for a lot more but I won't. But now I really wanna draw post-fall Owen!!!

[punchdrunkdoc]

Part 3, Chapter 19

Summary: After the events of S3, Matt Murdock is trying to once again balance life as a lawyer and a vigilante. But he’s been scarred by loss and betrayal - will a mysterious new neighbour help him heal? Or will her secrets drag him back into the darkness? Notes: This is a slow burn romance with an original female character, told in 4 parts. There is mystery, intrigue, action/violence and angst - all the good stuff!

Also available on AO3 and Wattpad

Masterlist

Reference pics

————–

PART 3

Chapter 19

Calina slid the vial of blood across the table to Yelena. The other Widow looked at it, looked back at Calina, and raised an eyebrow. “But I didn’t get you anything.”

Calina rolled her eyes. “Very funny. I need you to give this to Melina for testing.”

“Why?”

“Its from a new victim of the pheromone drug. We think the formula has changed.” Calina didn’t want to admit that it was her blood sample, taken the night she’d been dosed. After the bath had warmed her up - and after Matt had warmed her in other ways - she’d asked him to grab the well-stocked first aid kit from his apartment. Then, perched on her couch and clad in nothing but his shirt, she’d drawn a vial of blood from her arm.

She wanted answers.

She needed them.

It was personal now.

Before, she’d been invested in the hunt for whoever was manufacturing this drug mainly because it was so important to Matt. And because she empathised with the victims who’d been stripped of their reason and control by an outside force.

But she more than empathised now. She’d lived through it.

The grief. The pain. The heart wrenching emptiness of losing Matt. 

And the anger of knowing that it was a lie. She’d been manipulated - tortured with falsehoods and fantasies - through a trick of her own neurochemistry.

And that really pissed her off.

But she couldn’t explain all that to Yelena. She was still too…raw. Matt’s death may have been a lie, but her reaction to it had been very real. And just thinking about it threatened to reduce her to tears again.

Yelena nodded. “No problem.” She pocketed the small vial of blood then relaxed into her chair and tipped her head back, closing her eyes to enjoy the slight breeze in the air. They were seated at a small table outside a cafe across from Central Park and it was a beautiful spring day. And Yelena looked so…relaxed. Which was not a word Calina usually associated with her sister.

“Are you used to it yet?” she asked.

“Used to what?” Yelena answered, her eyes still closed.

“Life. Freedom. Getting to decide the course of your day - even if it’s just to grab coffee with a friend.”

“Who says you’re my friend?” Yelena mumbled, the slight curve of her lips giving away the joke.

Calina laughed and kicked the other woman under the table. “Yelena!”

Yelena finally opened her eyes and shrugged. “No. I’m not used to it.”

“Well, its only been 6 weeks. Give it time.”

“It’s not that.” Yelena lowered her voice and turned serious. “There are still Widows out there, Calina, and they still need to be freed. Until every last one is woken up from the serum, I can’t start this new ‘life’.” She made air quotes as she said the last work, her chunky silver rings glinting in the sunlight.

Calina dipped her head and stirred her coffee, the familiar guilt rising. Once again, she’d been selfish - she’d ignored her obligation to her sisters and had lost herself in her relationship with Matt. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have asked how that was going. And I should be helping you.”

Yelena waved her off. “If we’re stuck and need your help, we will call. But we’ve got this.”

“Are you sure?”

She shrugged. “It’s hard sometimes. Tracking them down is becoming more and more challenging, and seeing their reaction when they wake is always difficult…but its worth it. It feels like I’m doing what I’m meant to be doing. And when all of this mess is finally cleared up, then I’ll make a good life for myself.”

“Speaking of clearing up messes, have you heard from Natasha recently? Is she still on the run?”

“Yes,” Yelena growled. “It’s been two years, and still they hunt her across the planet. Calling her a traitor.”

“I’m sorry.”

Yelena shrugged, her eyes downcast as she stirred her coffee. “She calls sometimes, to check in. To let me know she’s okay. But she doesn’t want to risk jeopardising the Widows’ freedom - my freedom - by visiting.”

“I’m sorry,” Calina repeated, knowing the words were inadequate. Natasha meant so much to Yelena, but the two women had barely had a chance to reconnect and mend the rift in their relationship before they were separated again.

Yelena shrugged again. “It is what it is. But enough about that. What about you? Have you figured out what you’re meant to do with this new life of yours?”

“Ugh,” Calina groaned and slid down in her seat. “No. I have no clue.”

“You’ve always liked books, what about being a librarian?”

It was Calina’s turn to shrug. “I thought about it. But I want to do something that helps people more directly - like Matt with his law firm.”

“Become a lawyer, then.”

“No. It’s too…confining, working in that kind of system.”

“What about…self defence trainer. Put your skills to good use teaching others how to fight.”

Calina laughed. “We didn’t exactly learn in the most conventional way - I wouldn’t know how to train someone without using Red Room tactics.”

“And that would get you thrown in jail over here.”

“Exactly.”

At that moment, a dog walker jogged passed the cafe with a pack of dogs surrounding her, all of them strapped to her belt by brightly coloured leashes. Yelena tracked her as she crossed the street to enter the park, a slightly wistful look in her eyes. “Maybe you’re overthinking it,” she said. “Just do what makes you happy.”

“Would that make you happy?” Calina responded. “Looking after a bunch of dogs?”

“Not a bunch of them. Just one.”

“You want a dog. Like, a pet?” Calina could hear the surprise in her voice, but it wasn’t really a shock. She’d always known Yelena was a caretaker - and once she finished taking care of all the Widows across the world, she would need to focus that energy elsewhere.

“Yeah,” Yelena said. “In Ohio, the neighbours next door to us had a German Shepherd. She was big and strong and looked scary, but her name was ‘Princess’ and she was the sweetest thing. Nat and I would play with her in the garden all the time…” She trailed off, looking into the distance as if lost in a memory.

“I always forget that you had a life before the Red Room. I used to be so jealous of that - before they brainwashed those kinds of emotions out of us.”

“It would have been easier if I’d been brought to the Red Room as a baby, like you. At least then I wouldn’t have known what I was missing.”

“Yeah, I remember you being so…angry…all the time. And you would take it out on us during practice.”

Yelena winced. “Yeah. Sorry about that.”

“Don’t be sorry. We were all dealt a shit hand. And fighting you made us all better - it probably kept us alive and in the program. And what you’ve done to free us all - to keep freeing other Widows - it’s amazing, Yelena. I don’t think I ever properly thanked you for that.”

Yelena shrugged. “I was just doing what was right.”

“But not everyone would have. You had your freedom. You were out. And you risked it all, to come back and save us. Even though you had no loyalty to us - not really. We weren’t raised to be loyal, or develop bonds, or friendships. But you still came back. So thank you.”

Yelena squirmed in her chair, looking uncomfortable. “Alright, alright. Enough.”

Calina had never seen this side of her sister before. She was used to Yelena, the no-nonsense leader. She was used to Yelena, the hard-ass fighter. She was even getting used to off-duty Yelena, who painted her nails blue and wore mismatched prints and fur coats. But this awkward and embarrassed Yelena was brand new.

And she couldn’t help but tease her. She reached across the table, took her hand and gave her a sincere, serious look. “You’re a hero, Yelena Belova. An inspiration to all of us.”

Yelena frowned, looking even more discomforted. Then she saw through Calina’s act. She yanked her hand back, and laughed. “Fuck off.”

Calina smiled. “I couldn’t resist. I finally found your one weakness: compliments.”

Yelena laughed again, the deep husky cackle sounding so carefree. “If you tell anyone, I’ll kill you.”

“No you won’t,” Calina grinned. “You love me. Admit it.”

“Never. You’re a pain in the ass, Balashova.”

“And that’s why you love me.”

———

Matt was distracted. Again.

Calina had set up a workspace in the conference room, and had spent the last couple of weeks diligently researching the pheromone case.

Karen liked the new arrangement, as it freed her up to concentrate on investigating some of their paid cases. Foggy liked it for the same reason - and because Calina always volunteered to grab them  food at lunchtime.

Calina was enjoying the sense of purpose it gave her. She’d told him just that the other night at Fogwell’s. “I think I need the structure,” she’d said, dodging his left hook. They’d both been gloved up, and had sparred in the ring for a good half an hour -  neither hitting hard enough to injure, but enjoying the adrenaline rush of the fight anyway.

“I thought that’s what put you off working in the coffee shop - it was too rigid for you,” he’d responded, jumping to avoid her attempted sweep of his ankles.

“It was. I can’t do a 9-to-5 job. But I need something to get me out of the apartment each day. A routine…but one I can control.”

“So you want to be self-employed, basically. Freelance.”

“Yeah.”

Trying to figure out Calina’s future career was a common theme to their conversations these day, and they were gradually whittling down her options. But in the meantime, she wanted to focus her time on solving the pheromone case.

Because she had a real and personal stake in it now.

She’d been doggedly reviewing and cross-referencing the mountain of financial information they’d managed to accrue on their main suspects - the men behind the companies that had purchased the main ingredient of the drug: Arsonium bromide.

Matt understood her drive. And he was grateful for her help. He also liked coming in to work with her each morning, and having lunch with her in the middle of the day.

It was just a tad…distracting.

Her scent was now a constant presence, and it’s intensity just seemed to grow and grow with every moment. It layered every surface and saturated every room…but its effect on him never seemed to dull. It was still the same potent stimulant it had always been - since that very first night he’d scented Calina on their rooftop.

The little sounds she made throughout the day were just as hard to tune out - the rustle of her clothes as she shifted in her seat. The tap of her heeled boots as she walked from the conference room table to the printer near Karen’s office. The gentle scrape of her teeth over her lower lip when she bit it in concentration. The soft sigh as another lead failed to pan out…

He was just too aware of her. Every minute of the day, his senses were conscious of her - even when he was trying to concentrate on his work or speak to a client. A small part of him was always tuned to her frequency. And he didn’t know if it was a side effect of their long separation, or if it would always be like this with her. This perpetual…wanting.

They’d given up on his ridiculous ‘going slow’ idea. Every night was now spent in her bed, and most of those nights were spent touching her and kissing her and making love to her. But it wasn’t enough. It was never enough-

“Matt!”

He jerked his head up at the sound of Karen’s voice. Judging by the volume and degree of irritation, she’d been calling his name for a while.

“Sorry, I spaced out,” he replied. “What’s up?”

“Calina has something.”

Matt pressed pause on the transcript he was failing to listen to, pulled his headphone from his ear, and followed Karen to the conference room. He nodded to Foggy, who was already seated around the table, and he paused for a moment to take in Calina’s non-verbal greeting - one she was probably completely unaware of.

It was a kind of biological acknowledgement of his presence. A combination of a slight spike in her temperature, a jump in her heart rate, and a cocktail of chemicals suddenly rushing through her veins, thick with endorphins and dopamine and a whole host of unknown hormones. It was difficult to describe to himself - let alone someone without his heightened senses - so he’d never mentioned it to Calina. He also didn’t want to make her self-conscious about it.

Because he never wanted it to go away.

It was like being warmed by the rays of the sun on a frosty day. Like the relief of resting your head on a soft pillow at the end of a long, hard night. Comfort and affection and a feeling of coming home, mixed with a subtle undercurrent of desire.

It was intoxicating. Addictive. And a relief to know he wasn’t the only one so physically affected by the other’s presence.

“Hey,” she said, offering him a more traditional greeting.

“Hey,” he replied, taking the seat next to Foggy. “What’ve you found?”

“Our bad guy.”

He sat up straight, shocked. “Are you serious?”

“Really?” Karen said at the same time.

Calina took a deep breath. “I think so. It’ll need confirmation…but I think so.”

“So who is it?” Foggy asked.

“Landon Cross. Founder and CEO of Cross Corp.”

Karen frowned. “I don’t recognise that name from the list of Arsonium bromide purchasers.”

“That’s because it wasn’t on it. But you’ll recognise the name Midworld Industries.”

“Yeah, it rings a bell.” Karen opened her battered notebook and started searching through the scrawled pages. “Here it is - Midworld Industries - an independent pharmaceutical R&D company. They were apparently researching the potential use of Arsonium as a ‘nanocarrier for intracellular oncology therapeutics’, whatever that means. But we eliminated them early on - the papertrail checked out and they actually stopped purchasing the chemical last year.”

Calina nodded. “That’s because they found a way to manufacture a synthetic mimic.”

“How the hell did you work that out?” Foggy asked.

“It was thanks to Melina, the Black Widow chemist. She analysed my- a new sample we recently got hold of.”

Matt winced at Calina’s near slip-up. She didn’t want the team to know about her experience with the pheromone. Part of her was embarrassed that she’d managed to get dosed - even though he’d told her that was ridiculous. She was also sick of being viewed as a victim. Foggy and Karen knew about the way she was raised, the mind control serum, the coma…and she didn’t want them to pity her for yet one more episode of trauma.

Which he also said was ridiculous. His friends thought she was amazing.

“I can’t get over how…normal…she is,” Karen had remarked a few days ago, watching from the window as Calina jogged down the street to collect their lunch order.

“What do you mean?” Matt had asked. He could think of a lot of adjectives to describe Calina, but ‘normal’ was nowhere near the top of his list. She still seemed so new to the world. The smallest things would sometimes trip her up, like not knowing what a 401K was, or how to make a bowl of cereal.

“Just…with everything she’s been through, she seems so unaffected. So…nice. As if she really was just a college grad from Illinois, or whatever her cover story was. If it was me, I’d be so angry at the world.”

“You’ve gone through your fair share of trauma, too.”

“Yeah, and I was angry at the world for a long time. I closed myself off from everyone - right up until I met you guys, really. But Calina…she’s embraced this new life so effortlessly.”

Matt wouldn’t call it effortless - he saw how much she struggled sometimes. With her nightmares. Her guilt about her past. Her doubts about her innate goodness. Her uncertainty over her future. But he’d never share that with his friends. He liked the way they saw her - because it echoed how he saw her:

Strong. Determined.

Miraculous.

He just wished Calina saw herself that way.

“Okay, so this new analysis proves the compound is synthetic,” Foggy said. “What does that have to do with this Landon Cross guy?”

“Melina determined that the only way to synthesise Arsonium Bromide in large enough quantities to be useful was with a carbon framework printer, a piece of cutting edge technology. So I traced the companies that recently purchased one of those devices.”

“Couldn’t have been that many,” Karen commented.

“No. Only three, in fact. And when I looked closer at the financials of one of the companies - EnGene, I saw a name I recognised.”

“Midworld Industries?” Foggy guessed.

“No. Sato Holdings, a conglomerate based in Tokyo.”

“I need diagrams and a slide show to keep track of this.”

Calina smiled at Foggy’s joke. “Okay, I’ll cut to the chase. Midworld and EnGene, through multiple layers of shell corporations, are both owned by Sato Holdings. But Sato holdings doesn’t exist. Its a sham company created by-”

“Landon Cross,” Matt said, putting it together.

“Bingo. It’s a good sham - clever enough to fool US Inland Revenue, but if you can read Japanese, and know where to look, the ruse falls apart.”

“It still seems…tenuous,” Karen remarked.

Calina nodded. “It definitely needs confirmation, but my instincts say it’s him. I know bad guys - I know the way they operate, and how they try to hide. But there’s always a stench that clings to them, and I can smell it on Cross.”

“Okay,” Karen said, collecting her notes and getting to her feet, “I’ll start digging into Cross.”

“And we’ll head to the Courthouse,” Foggy said. “We have that hearing at 4, Matt.”

Matt nodded. “I remember. I’ll just be a minute.” When the other two left, Matt pulled Calina into his arms, and kissed her, a soft brush of his lips against hers. “You’re amazing. Have I told you that today?”

She shrugged. “It was just a bit of research.”

Matt reached out and touched the stack of papers on the table. “Judging by the thickness of this pile, it was more than just a ‘bit’. And how much of this is in Japanese?”

She laughed. “Only about a third.”

He shook his head and kissed her again. “Like I said - amazing.”

“All I did was get us a name - a direction to look. Proving Landon is behind all this, and figuring out how to stop him-”

“Is a problem for tomorrow. Take the win today.”

She cocked her head. “Who are you, and what have you done with the real Matt Murdock?”

“This is the new-and-improved, optimistic version.”

“Hmmm, he might take some getting used to.”

“I guess we’ll have to spend more time together then.”

She laughed. “I’m not sure that’s even possible.”

“I like a challenge.”

She laughed again, soft and low, and leaned into his third kiss.

A kiss that was soon interrupted by a wry voice behind him. “I hate to break up this disgustingly sappy display, but I need a favour.”

“Hello, Jessica,“ Matt replied, turning to face the figure in the doorway. “What do you need?”

“I need to borrow your girlfriend.”

————–

Chapter 20

Tag list: @hollandorks @stilldreaming666 @sio-ina-bottle @tearoseart-blog @acharliecoxedfan @freckledbabyyy @chezagnes

If you’d like to be added - let me know!

[zerohirrotries]

Watched Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3 today!

Spoiler warning!

The movie was amazing, like one of the best mcu movies. I love how instead of treating Peter's grief like how they usually do. Instead they have every single guardian trying to help him. They all understand him and are chill with his drinking problems and grief of loss.

Everyone was so caring for Peter. But mainly Nebula was there for him. She was like another sister almost. She kept being there for him and wanting to help.

Love how Drax takes all the kids because it is how he is. He is and always will be the father. Drax with the kids just broke me, like ahhhh!! Also I love how Nebula is with the kids, wanting to save them from what she had to go through with her father Thanos. Then his relationship with Mantis, Peter kept throwing them to work together and they seem to be annoyed with it. Mantis kept Drax from doing some harsher things, yet she never could fully control him because she seem to trust him still. Mantis and Drax both seem to felt like they did not fully belong with the Guardians, yet they stayed cause they view everyone as a family, something they both love much.

The movie was telling about the backstory of Rocket. Each movie gave hints and he always tried to avoid talking about it. Yet now it had to be out for the guardians to help him. For he was dying in the movie and was out over half it. Yet those flashback we got.... They got to me, I love his friends he had. Lylla and Rocket were so cute, like ahhh!!! Then Teefs and Floor!!

All the four together in the flashbacks at least explains why Rocket was always worried of trying to save everyone. Watching how he lost all three for trying to save them. Even when Teefs and Floor told him to run, he could not leave them. I just could not hold those tears for that....

Groot, oh poor Groot. Through the movie, as Rocket was dying... He kept being worried. I could tell he was worried and more scared thought the movie. He was always listening and never goofing off much. Taking things seriously because it was Rocket's life at their hands.

Love how Cosmo and Kraglin were becoming friends. I love their friendship and how they care about everyone. Cosmo was a strong leader, yet she was playful. Kraglin wanted to be strong, yet he kept doubting himself. When he thinks about Yondu and sees him mentally, that is when he starts to become stronger. He has been slightly grieving over the lost of Yondu silently and no one knew. He was trying so much to not think about it, holding it away. That is when he finally became strong and started to master the arrow.

Love how the ravagers had now Gamora. In the movie, Peter kept talking about his Gamora, saying that she had to be the same as the future version. For they were the same person. Yet, they did my take on future and such, after a long the movie, Peter and Gamora finally come to a stand where they both know that she had her own decisions she could do. She did not need to be the future Gamora, the same person. Yet, maybe at the end it hinted that she started to have a small liking as in at least friendship with Peter now..

With High Evolutionary as the villain, it was a villain that we could not exactly sympathize much. He was actually crazy, like he killed whatever he made if it did a small mistake, he needed things to be perfect. With his creations, Adam and his mother were made. Adam had a mission to save his kind, he had to get Rocket to High Evolutionary. Yet when we see Adam we learn that he is still a kid, learning about the world and his life. Not fully understanding anything, even death fully. Until he found the ravager pet Blup. He found something he cared about, learning about love more. So when he lost his mother to Evolutionary, he still worked for him until Groot saved his life. That is when Adam repaid them and saved Peter's life. Now he is a part of the new Guardians that is lead by Rocket.

Also most people kept saying someone would die, well no Guardians did and no one has left the mcu yet!!! Star-Lord is still around, but back on Earth and trying to fix things with his Grandfather. The new Guardians still has Rocket, Groot, and Kraglin. Nebula, Cosmo, and Drax are staying at Knowhere, which seems to be the home place for the Guardians. Then the only one that I am slightly questioning about what next is Mantis. Mantis does not fully understand herself, like her brother Peter. So she sets off on a journey to understand herself better.

I am just so happy, yet I cried like at least over ten minutes of the movie!! I did not expect it to let me laugh and cry almost at the same time... All you mcu fans should go watch this masterpiece, I loved it so much!!

[kastelpls]

steam visual novel fest sale recs

i like visual novels and there's a vn fest going on, so here's a thread on titles i like:

ELIZA

https://store.steampowered.com/app/716500/Eliza

i recently finished this title and while the topic is certainly relevant, what drew me more was how it depicted the traumas of tech startup culture. whether intentional or not, the dreams and aspirations of tech workers to solve problems become tainted by capital and hubris.

the protagonist is jaded as fuck because she's seen her creation take over the world. but she's not as melodramatic as dr frankenstein; she is still gauging how things are going. her alienated view on the world around is intoxicating and i really found the pov very charming.

the experience of playing this game made me feel like i've returned to my unpaid internship days for better or for worse. it's a story that will forever remain relevant until silicon valley and the tech industry as we know it are over. wonderful title.

SeaBed

https://store.steampowered.com/app/583090/SeaBed/

i have personal stakes in seabed since i'm one of the two non-translators credited to bringing this yuri vn overseas. my bias aside, i think this is one of the most unique video games of all time.

you follow a bunch of adults aimlessly wandering around as the world around them reflects their mental states. things just happen, but everyone takes it in the most matter-of-fact fashion. the writing is intentionally tedious at times because it is in love with the mundane. it's a story all about grief, but it is also about how to approach the ebb and flow of life.

as a friend once said, "it's a mystery where the characters don't realize they're in one." or as i like to put it, "a mystery in search of a mystery".

Christmas Tina

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1049100/_/

set in the notorious bubble era of japan, this may look like a romantic encounter between a chinese dude and a japanese girl at first glance. however, it drops that premise by having them squabble forever and not learn each other's languages.

the game is instead about minorities struggling to survive. the chinese guy left china for various reasons and wanted to make a name for himself while the japanese girl got into a car accident with a person engaged in the sex trade because she was looking for money to pay for her sister's surgery. later on, you'll read about different chinese members, a woman raised by a chinese-japanese couple, and other interesting people that make up japan today.

if there is a game i like to credit for inspiring my interest into connecting with my traumatic chinese history again in my own writing, it's this title. there's a section that surprised me because it was, after all, a title mainly developed in china and it's still very recent history. but i'm glad the developers took the risk and it's an impressive episode.

i'd seriously recommend this game if you haven't tried it. it's seriously a sleeper hit.

Chuusotsu

https://store.steampowered.com/app/630870/Chuusotsu_1st_Graduation_Time_After_Time/

the first of an ongoing series, chuusotsu 1st is about a bunch of middle school graduates who can't graduate into high school for various reasons. stories about their traumas are interlinked with the chaos of japanese social media.

likewise, it's also about trying things that they are scared to try. the protagonist is an anxious girl who wants to do art, but she keeps failing at socializing. she's cute.

The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1158850/The_Great_Ace_Attorney_Chronicles/

since this was featured in the festival, i might as well give it a shout. this is more an adventure game in the Ace Attorney series, but i consider it to be the best game and everyone should play it.

it explores a historical period dear to my heart: the era of meiji japan and victorian england. here are two imperialist nationstates, but the latter is stronger than the former and is secretly dictating how japan should behave.

not only does the game explore this colonial dynamic but it also looks into how racism functions in the british justice system. any pretense of democracy and fairness is ultimately failed when the british jury sees the protagonist and calls him an ape.

i credit the final chapter for changing my dissertation thesis when i was still doing my masters. if i ever do a phd, i'm going to continue studying the history of international students and what it reflects about us as a humanity.

Return to Shironagasu Island

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1156990/Return_to_Shironagasu_Island/

a surprise doujin hit in japan, this visual novel written by an ex-mystery writer is very old-school to a fault. you are exploring one of those MURDER ISLANDS and there's orthodox mystery tricks, but it's well-executed.

the main star is neneko who's a little cringe beast. she's cute.

games i've heard are good but haven't played yet

Bustafellows

Taisho x Alice

The Flowers series

Symphonic Rain

Tangle Tower

Fatal Twelve

Furikake Spacy

A Year of Springs

Narcissu 10th Anniversary Project

2064: Read Only Memories

Analogue: A Hate Story

if you are looking for more recommendations on steam, i have a curation page.

[purgatory-hotel]

SOO, any information about the Seven Deadly Sins in your rewrite you can share?

HIII SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY LOL,, I've been unwell 💔

i don't have a lot of specific info for each individual sin yet other than little tidbits, but I can say that none of the sins are actually properly villainous/outright evil. they've still done bad things of course, but they're not Valentino levels of terrible

Satan is incredibly powerful on Earth. deadly sins can influence people directly, although most of them choose to send workers (like Asmodeus and his concubi) Satan chooses to work with humans directly since he likes to be fully in control. his least favourite sin is Lucifer since humans often get them mixed up. he also sounds like Sam Elliot :3

Beelzebub is a massive activist for hellhound rights. although hellhounds are treated like people rather than pets in my rewrite, they're still discriminated against and there's a huge problem with racism and classism in Hell. since she is so privileged and has a much higher social standing than most other hellhounds, she uses this to her advantage. she runs a shelter for homeless/otherwise disadvantaged hellhounds and makes sure they're all safe and happy. her least favourite sin is Leviathan because she's rude and encourages negative self image.

Belphegor is probably the most understanding sin. since Sloth originally referred to depression/illness in general (dismissing symptoms of a chronic condition as "laziness") she is very knowledgeable on mental health and encourages people to rest when they need to. there's doctors and hospitals in all seven rings, but Sloth is the most popular place for people to get medical help since it's the best for it. although Beelzebub mentions Belphegor having a stash of party drugs, the only recreational drug she has is weed. she produces psychiatric medication, so unless you want to have a lie down and maybe feel a bit peckish, she's probably not the best person to go to for a good time at a rave. her least favourite sin is Satan because he never knows how to chill out.

Leviathan is a girl and doesn't have a surfer aesthetic. she's a bit of an enormous bitch and mainly pushes evil things like stupid beauty standards and "diet tea" that wrecks your toilet. her least favourite sin is Beelzebub because she encourages self love.

Mammon is much less wicked than he is in canon, but he is still incredibly greedy and mainly targets children since they're more impressionable. he's definitely tried to capitalise on Fizzarolli's disabilities at some point, although he feels at least a tiny crumb of guilt as he does care about Fizzarolli, just a bit. he's incredibly flirty but he's never been in a proper relationship due to him believing that relationships have to be sexual (no one tell him that asexual people can have healthy and loving relationships, he has to figure that out on his own). his least favourite sin is Asmodeus because he thinks he's far too sappy.

Asmodeus is very passionate about basically everything; his work, his relationship, even the food he likes. he has a very strong sense of justice, so he hates that so many lust sinners are people like Valentino. His least favourite sin is Mammon because of how he's treated Fizzarolli and because he knows he doesn't like him either.

Lucifer is very similar to how he is in canon, only I want to properly explore his depression. he's spent most of the past few years being incredibly unwell mentally. he's a bit of a shut in and he spends most of his time either in bed or working on making toy ducks. I don't think he has a least favourite sin as he doesn't socialise much.

good grief pardon the yap 😭 also I hope I worded everything okay, especially regarding Lucifer and his mental health

[cinamun]

I’m sorry I know it’s late but this has been brewing with me for awhile and I know imma ruffle some feathers so I apologize in advance. I’m angry…. I’m angry for Hope and Elliot but mainly Elliot. What he did was selfish, cruel and disrespectful towards his friendship with Hope and her family. But as someone who tried to commit suicide I understand it…. I understand the loneliness and the pain of failure and staying there and thinking that’s all you are. Elliot legit had NO ONE other than Hope and her family and without realizing it it was taken from him. Hope had every right to discover herself and follow her own path, but she was the only support Elliot had. He was abandoned by his mother, forced to live out a dream by his father, replaced the love for Hope with Hani which was unfair to her and him and never had the time to figure out who he was and what he wanted. Please no one think this is a defense for Elliot and what he did. All I’m saying is I understand why he figured he had no other choice because at that point he was back to being the abandoned child who was alone watching his father trying to relive a time that was gone. Darren was his father, Indya was his mother and Hope was the love of his life all of who had their own lives to live. Elliot was failed by his parents and I’m angry with Sean for not giving him the live he deserved instead taking it away as punishment for the “life” he was “robbed” of by the “woman” who chose to leave. If I see her ass at the service I’m hopping through the screen and beating her ass myself. Thank you for coming to my red table talk.

You know what time it is anonymous friend, let's get into it:

First off, I'm glad you're still here. The bookclub loves you.

Now, here's the thing; the anger is the biggest piece here, its the 2nd stage of grief. Its valid to be angry at everyone who failed this young man INCLUDING this young man. You're absolutely right about the progression of Elliot's reliance on The Drake Family. It became a safe space for him where there was none.

What I hoped to do, and it looked like it worked out, was show how two kids with vastly different backgrounds and experiences might handle something like love. Basically, I took a play out of the Indya/Darren circa 2017 playbook and applied it to the next generation. This time it was Elliot with a broken home and codependency issues, reliant on the love and support of a healthy Hope with a healthy support system being taught healthy boundaries. What drew Hope and Elliot apart is actually something 2017 Indya/Darren just dealt with and that was disrespect and intimidation (Elliot and the B word on the porch).

But we no longer do that here, so Elliot had to go off and deal with his shit. He did so with blunts, whatever, do you bro.

But now as a young adult and all this pressure to perform, he never addresses this deep rooted anger (see what I did there?). Elliot is angry, he's pissed that Hani isn't Hope, that all he is worth is a contract and a smile (and rushing yards and touchdowns). He's pissed off that Hope ran off to go be happy with some random who "doesn't have the history" they do. And we all know what happens when we do things out of anger; as another bookclub member said, we "make permanent solutions for temporary problems". Elliot never made it past the 2nd stage of grief after losing his world.

Personally, I believe he could have if he tried hard enough. Kinda like how Darren did.

[neveragainfools]

Let’s talk about art since apparently I’m a dumbdumb idiot who knows nothing about it or the internet.

Am I salty? Yes. Let’s get into it. So, you might have seen the Keith Haring AI Unfinished Painting going around with my commentary of disdain, and then a bunch of people reblogging it with commentary on how it’s an obvious troll/bait post and how stupid I and those who chimed in in the same fashion are. Apparently the post made it to trending (though I never saw it there, because I mostly just pay attention to my dashboard.)

Of course it doesn’t feel good to get “got.” I think if someone hadn’t sincerely pulled a similar stunt with the Mona Lisa recently, I would’ve seen it as a troll post. I did actually take a moment to consider that it might be a troll before I reblogged with commentary. But that damn expanded Mona Lisa came to mind, and I thought, “no, there are people out there who absolutely think this is okay” and went on my little rant. Jingle my bells for I’m now the court jester. I took the bait.

Do I still stand by it? Yes, for the most part. One could argue that the troll is a form of art, and I played a part in the performance. Much like Fountain by Duchamp (a piece in which he literally signed a urinal and displayed it as fine art and it nearly burned down the art world), this piece inspires rage, and the rage is the most important part of the conversation. I’ll make no bones about my position on AI art. When the “art” is simply an image generated by an AI tool, that is not art to me. It is a commercial image. The use of an AI tool to “complete” or “expand” an image with the intention to create a vast reaction, and post it in such a manor can be argued as performance art, the same way Fountain is. Machine learning can also be used as a tool in the process to create a piece of art, but a generated image alone is not art.

So then why do I stand by it? A big problem with art types like this is that it’s callous, cold and doesn’t respect the work that it’s “building on” or “elevates.” Whether it’s Warhol’s Campbell’s soup cans, Lichtenstein’s rehashing of comic panels, Duchamp’s Fountain or this AI piece, in all cases, it uses the originator without concern for the content of the art itself. Someone at the toilet company had to design that urinal. Someone at Campbell’s had to design the soup can label. Lichtenstein took panels from real living comic artists and re-rendered them with less skill and care. Those works are never co-credited with the people who did the initial designs. The twitter person who made this mess used a heartbreaking piece about a man’s grief and frustration about his own untimely death due to AIDs, and a lot of people weren’t familiar with it before this viral moment. Sure, it starts a conversation into the nature of art, as do all of these “subversive” pieces. But especially with Haring, who was concerned about computers and their eventual intelligence and would likely hate it, especially because we DO know the original artist, and those who are meant to be angered are familiar with the original piece (mainly lgbtq people), it feels especially rude and poor taste.

Other works wouldn’t cause such a visceral reaction. The personal nature of Unfinished Painting why “finishing it” is so controversial. No one says art has to be respectful. No one says art can’t steal, remix or transform works that came before it to create a new meaning. I’m still allowed to hate it. I’m still allowed to think it spits on Keith’s grave. The choice to do something so disrespectful is integral to the point of the piece, all in the name of showing how reactionary people are to AI generated images. It’s still a shitty thing to do. Perhaps something so visceral that causes such bad reaction is necessary for us to find the boundaries of where AI is or isn’t okay to be used in art. I hope for this twitter person’s sake it is.

There are so many things we could take from this debacle: reactionary nature of the internet, the question of consent and collaboration vs. remix in art, whether artists and their art should always be questioned, the list goes on. I’m happy to continue that conversation.

tldr: Sure, I got "got" by the Keith Haring Unfinished Painting AI "finishing". You could classify the act as art. It stimulated conversation into the relationship between AI images and art. But I think it's still a shitty thing to do.

[aliusfrater]

What's your opinion on the take that Sam is always running away?

to be honest, i've never thought about it and i've never come across this interpretation much before and it's valid but i think it's really shallow and even if i were to consider it as part of my interpretation, i don't think it's a significant part of sam or any of his storylines. the character that comes to mind when thinking about a pattern of running away is ellie in 12.05 and although her introduction could be interpreted as character that exists as a sam foil, i'd say it's more in relation to her storyline of being a descendant of hitler and her blood being a significant part of a plan she wants nothing to do with, more than it is in relation to her actual characterisation. either way, the way her issue is established in regards to the narrative is that she has a hard time confronting things that get too hard for her deal with—she takes a break from medical school, leaves her own wedding and moves to a whole new town, she attempts to run away from sam and dean twice—and the way she copes is that she attempts to ignore the issue all together for as long as she can. but even then, the explicit mentioning of her habit of 'running away' is brought up in dialogue to manipulate her into complacency; this part of her arc also foils a few of sam's own in that a lot of his trauma is brought up in dialogue by another character as an attempt to jumpstart his complacency, but the part about her running away lines up moreso with sam's stubbornness and tunnel visioned habits (that i believe, get better over the course of the show, in that he strengthens his ability to see the forrest rather than the trees post-season four) than it does with any possible instance of him 'running away' mainly because ellie's tendency is backed by her inability to exist outside of her comfort zone to resolve her issues and sam doesn't have that problem at all.

i'm going to assume that running away means to literally, emotionally or narratively remove himself from dean, hunting, or an issue regarding both or one or the other in an attempt to evade some kind of (personal) responsibility or narrative issue at hand and although there are a few instances of sam physically leaving either dean or hunting—that time he was a kid and ran away from home to live on his own with a dog in an abandoned trailer that we learn about in 5.16, his time at stanford, 5.03, post-season seven and post-gadreel—despite them literally being his leaving, in some way, shape or another, i wouldn't classify any of them as having the emotional or narrative significance of an attempt to alleviate or evade responsibility. he ran away from home because he was a child being abused, he went to stanford because he did not want to be a hunter and he had no contact with his family while there because, "if you walk out that door don't you ever come back." his time away from hunting in 5.03, again, wasn't a solution that involved an evading of responsibility: both he and dean did not think that it was safe for him to be hunting for the time being both as a recovering addict who did not trust himself and because the two had very little trust for each other which just did not work if they were going to be hunting together. it also doesn't help that dean literally wanted them to stay apart when sam decided that he needed help confronting lucifer's plans for him. also, narratively, sam's relationship with dean largely coexists with hunting; if sam is unable to hunt with dean then he probably won't hunt at all which leads me into his post-season seven grief era. this is the only instance that i would regard as legitimately being him running away because he's running away from his grief for dean and the life they lived together when he presumes that dean is dead—he's holding onto it yet is unable to fully process it and he specifically confronts how he deals with this in dialogue by saying, "[he] ran." we're coming out of a season during which dean places himself and their relationship at the base of sam's reality (7.02) and sam runs and hides when that reality slips out from underneath him; this is explored pretty explicitly in 8.08, when a psychic quite literally retreats from reality when it begins to slip away from him in his old age because it's easier to deal with that way. i almost didn't include post-gadreel because dean leaves sam but i thought about it and sam does make a point to practice a level of disconnect between hunting and his and dean's relationship but even then, that disconnect doesn't exist for him to run away from any kind of personal responsibility etc.; the disconnect exists because dean is having an issue is realising his disregard for sam's personal and bodily autonomy and sam needs space from the person who chose to violate his physical and metaphysical being.

i've reasoned them out from my perspective and i've come to the conclusion, through my own interpretation of his character and these storylines, that he only does this once, which isn't a pattern and doesn't make it a significant enough part of his character which is probably why i've almost never thought about this before. i mean these instances still him leaving in some way, shape or form but i think the reasons for, the ways in which and the differences in how he leaves are explored so differently that i think it's a really shallow interpretation that glosses over the sheer multidimensionality of the circumstances (as well as just some basics of sam's character). the nazis attempting to manipulate some level of complacency into ellie do this too—they ignore that she's adopted, they ignore that her fiancé was cheating on her and they ignore that this was possibly related to her time off from school to simply take a stab at her and say that 'haha you're running from this too!! we're making this your responsibility so that if you run away from it out of sheer terror, you're proving our point!!'. i feel like this take does this on some level as well. either way, like i said, although it's valid, i think it's just a really shallow take that falls apart if you think about it for more than a few seconds.

[overthinkingtaleblr]

(I haven’t kept up with vt or pie in a while) but I think I remember something about Toast having a alcohol problem? Mainly whiskey if I remember correctly?

What do the others think about it when Toast is drinking or perhaps even drunk? How do they react?

See it’s something I don’t particularly like to think about because it’s so… real? Alcoholism is a very different problem than ghosts and unrealistic drugs, and it’s a problem I can happily say I’ve had no experiences with. The downside is that I’m not entirely certain how it specifically works, and I run the risk of making a serious issue into a joke or overdramaticizing it… all of that being said, I can try to give my own two cents, just know that I barely understand why people drink to begin with outside of social pressure or addiction. So i guess.. trigger warning, everything’s under the cut.

Toast does have an alcohol problem, and I do think whiskey specifically was said to be his drink of choice. By the time most of the videos take place, he does seem to be drinking much more responsibly, but we do hear sometimes about how much of a problem his alcoholism used to be. I do think he is accused of being or seeming drunk in some videos, so there’s a chance he hasn’t fully finished his sobriety journey, but I don’t think we see him go on a ‘bender’ until Kind Of the Retirement Arc… but i do think of him as a very depressing drunk. Like he weeps openly hunched over the bar looking a mess and stuff.

Long story short, Ghost leaving was a catalyst that led Toast to drink excessively again. I say this because we do see Spooker and Colon react to it and they’re a little uncomfortable. Toast does not seem to be capable of drinking copious amounts and still have the ability to help at PIE the next morning. As I remember it, he’s a wreck, completely unable to help and not even trying. Therefore, I don’t think Colon or Spooker would be either comfortable with Toast’s drinking, or even know how to help him. They’d both understand that him consuming the alcohol is out of grief and trying to numb himself… and a lack of coping mechanisms, but neither of them can relate so this experience of his is very alien to them both. So, they only just leave him to his wallowing, putting the company before the founders to ensure lives can continue to be saved.

Colon gives me the vibes of someone who would drape a blanket on him while he’s asleep in an area he shouldn’t be sleeping, clean up bottles he left behind, help him out with hangovers, etc. It’s kind, but he knows it isn’t enough to fix the problem. He doesn’t really talk to Toast when he drinks because he isn’t sure what to say that wouldn’t possibly encourage him to do it more. He’s trying to act as the leader of the team while the bosses are out of commission and it’s really rough when the official leader is a grieving mess.

Unlike Spooker, who is too confused to be really helpful right now. Spooker joined the team while Toast was in jail for arson, I believe, so he’s seen a team function without Toast. He was there when Ghost disappeared for the puppet arc, so he was there to see Toast manage the team without Ghost. Now Ghost is gone again and Toast is… self-medicating? For some reason? He severely underestimated how badly Ghost leaving would affect him, and doesn’t understand what the difference is between then and now. This is also part of the reason why he ignores Ghost’s boundaries and tries to get him to rejoin the team. He thinks Toast’s behavior is sudden, surprising, and uncharacteristic.

Ghost has been with Toast since the problem started, and I imagine he takes it way more seriously than he lets on. I do think Toast’s relationship with alcohol has always been a little. Bad. Toast has had a pretty understandable reason to desire self-medication for a long time. He went through a lot as a kid, left his family, and lost his wife, returned to his family, and lost his best friend multiple times before he was thirty. He’s experienced a lot of death and clearly is better at helping others than himself, and Ghost knows all of that. He’s been with Toast thsi whole time. I think he tried his best to help Toast out after Mary died, and i think he was a good help, but because of Toast’s actions during the puppet arc, i think he thought Toast wouldn’t have a problem if he left the team forever. I think the team was able to get Toast help Before Ghost re-joined, but I also think Ghost gave them some advice.

His siblings are also a bit worried about it. And yeah.

[dkniade]

Rhinedottir, “Dorian” Primordial Albedo, Albedo

Warnings: abusive parent, PTSD / trauma symptoms, neglect, abandonment

My interpretation. Based on information from mainly the version 2.3 event and Albedo’s character stories.

(Vaguely related critique on storytelling & plot, and praise for V2.3 trailer multimedia storytelling at the end.)

.

Starsilver, Dorian, and “Useless” Things

It’s interesting. In Act I, Paimon said,

“some [Starsilver ores] are really bright and shiny, and others just look like regular lumps of rock with a little shiny bit here or there,” and “Anyway. It's all the thief's fault for wasting our time!” and “do you want us to bring all of this ore back? Or did you wanna sort through and get rid of the useless bits first? There's no point bringing the bad ones back if it'll ruin the quality of the paint.”

It’s definitely implied that Rhinedottir did SOMETHING to Dorian if he hears such comments about sorting ores and ultimately respond with,

“Indeed, the sorting process is necessary. Humans are such practical creatures. They only want those things that are good. Once they have learned to distinguish between good and bad, they will never stop comparing things in their minds. Useless things should be disposed of at the outset.”

Obviously a metaphor about himself. Things... People don’t usually compare themselves to useless rocks and “things” that should be immediately thrown away while sorting ores, right…

It’d sound different if Dorian only responded with, “Indeed, the sorting process is necessary. They’re useless things that we should dispose of at the outset.”

And then Dorian even attempts to take Albedo’s identity instead of trying to form his own, as though he feels his own self is not good enough, as though he feels he’s a failure. Albedo certainly did not hesitate in calling him the failure of the project. Albedo’s somewhat like Rhinedottir in that sense, since Rhinedottir did not deem Dorian to be good enough to keep him and let him live.

But in order for me to write Dorian consistently, I have to come up with an idea of exactly what Rhine did/said (that aspect is quite vague in canon) because PTSD symptoms, in this case due to (implied) abuse, can vary based on the trauma, right… I’ve always written it with the background of a verbally & emotionally abusive & neglectful Rhinedottir in mind, since Dorian’s quotes implies he has low self-esteem. She did abandon them both ultimately, after all, in the pursuit of knowledge and life-creation. If I can come up with a solid history of what Rhinedottir did, then how I write Dorian should be much more consistent because to oversimplify it, I guess, trauma symptoms are all cause-and-effect…

Rhinedottir did X, therefore Dorian does Y and has problems with Z. If Dorian does Y and has problems with Z, then he must’ve suffered from X. And then there are other factors like, let’s see, support & basic needs, setting, environment, etc.

Monsters, Albedo, and “Arrogant” Wishes

In Act III, Albedo tells us,

“Monsters mutated with Durin's power and blood are also creatures of Rhinedottir, just like me. You must beware of all such creatures. The only thing is that sometimes, when I think about how mighty the power of alchemy is, I feel so small. As beings who set foot in this world, how arrogant are we in desiring to control our destiny, and in desiring to create? Is creation an arrogant act, Traveler? If not, why do we call the ones that created us and control us, "gods"? If it is, then what qualifies us to call ourselves creators? How far must we take our reverence and respect, and what purpose does it serve?”

And then, when the Traveler asks, “How did you feel when you took out the impostor?” Albedo says “Nothing special. But... Whenever I think about it, I feel a twinge of grief.” And that’s the end of the conversation.

Okay, so here I interpret that Albedo has a mindset of “I’m a dangerous creature like Durin and the Fellflower, so you should stay vigilant. I feel so small, and it’s arrogant of me want control in my own life and create something of my own. How much should I revere and respect my master (mother) who created me?” Now that would imply he’s experienced trauma due to Rhinedottir’s treatment

seems to me like

Rhine: listen to my orders, finish your assignments perfectly, else I’ll abandon you. you’re not in control of your life. do you want to be dangerous like Durin

Young Albedo: I have to listen to her else I’m a failure and I’ll be abandoned and I’ll be a dangerous individual who only brings destruction by existing

That’s basically Dorian’s mindset during the event in a nutshell, I feel.

critique on storytelling & plot, and praise for V2.3 trailer multimedia storytelling utc. (again)

It’s so odd… I’m reading the event’s transcript more closely again and on the surface the plot makes sense (no particular plot holes & everything’s tied up), so it’s easy to think, well, it’s a pretty nice story. BUT I just can’t shake off the feeling of how I got a different interpretation of the plot based on the very well-edited V2.3 trailer, and how vaguely unsatisfied I feel after watching the full playthrough.

See, I really like the event’s trailer section though.

It hinted at the danger of Dragonspine (setting), showed a cute moment of Amber building snowman (contrast for next piece of info), Eula’s suspicion towards the imposters (conflict), Albedo’s missing notes (conflict), an avalanche (conflict, turning point?), and even an “off” Cryo-wielding Albedo as its final scene (climax?). The trailer makes the plot seem like it’s fantasy/thriller. I initially thought Albedo has finally gone rogue (“If one day, I lose control…”) and was pretty excited for the event. Also the music uses the motif associated with the Art of Khemia— it shows up whenever Albedo talks about life & creation & alchemy—which gets beautifully resolved in “Paths Divided” (Albedo’s monologue OST) and there are variations AND THE CRYOBEDO CLIMAX USES A HIGHLY SPED-UP VERSION OF DRAGONSPINE’S MAIN THEME “SNOW-BURIED TALES” along with, as a fellow fan had informed me (thank you) clacking sounds from the Spanish flamenco dance form to symbolize Eula, which also shows up in “Dance of Aphros”

The trailer cut out most of the unnecessary parts in the canon plot, kept the Primordial Human Project a mystery (Albedo vaguely mentions it without context but he’s always observing humans so it’s not suspicious), and utilized a narrative soundtrack so it was very tight✨