#i think it came out during a time (pandemic) when people really needed something fun like this

[alicenpai]

do people still like spy x family? i have a sticker sheet half sketched out from way before anime north but didnt finish, and im wondering if i should complete it? 🤔🤔

i dont watch new anime anymore (sorry.. im a hater..) but at a friend's recommendation, being a long time fan, i started reading the manga instead. i watched a bit of the anime too, but i honestly prefer the manga bc tatsuya endo has such a strong grip on draftsmanship and has such a fun and wonderful art style?? me: who cares about the cute fake family dynamic im here for the the. cold war politics/culture and spy fiction tropes 😩 it's just like reading james bond the manga

[cheeeeep]

I remember things were slowly getting better, two steps forward one step back but always moving forward.

I live in a conservative area so I'm speaking from own experience.

We had pride parade that went through our town. We had family friendly events during the day. Yes drag is considered misogynistic but there was something nice about taking my younger siblings to get their faces painted (rainbows and butterflies stuff like that) by drag queens, then we'd go do art at the art gallery and then get food from a local restaurants food truck. They had fundraisers for LGBTQ youth shelters, and talks about how we are all one community. Even some progressive non denomination Christian churches were there in support. We had musical performances. It was so fun.

Sure at night the bars got wild but those were adult only events.

But then I had to stop taking my siblings because the kink people started coming out during the day. Men in latex dog masks and doms walking around with people on leashes. Weird shit.

And when you brought it up you were met with bullshit about how important sex is to the community and we shouldn't "shame" people.

The following year less people went.

Then there was the infighting about identity and why were white cis voices the head of everything. This pride we will focus on pronouns and non binary identity. Trans people of color and then trans people should lead the march because that's "how pride started". No police at the events (which is like I understand police are not the ally but large events by law need to have a police presence).

No more rainbow washing, corporations just want our spaces to advertise. ( Who is going to pay for all this? And while it is valid ,we do live in a capitalist society so we need companies to be outloud that " yes your money is good here, yes you can get loans here." As opposed to before where there was legal discrimination against LGBTQ people at these institutions).

I had already removed myself from those communities by the time I heard that pride was being cancelled by it's own community.

It never came back how it used to. No parade. Maybe some events in the town square and bars would have pride events. Even after the pandemic, nothing really has come back.

I wonder what all the protesters did because their job was done for them.

And I guess that's why I'll always be bitter and angry about this because it's all regressive.

And before I start rambling I really do think the way things are going will back fire.

We went from "we are just like you we are apart of your wider community" to all this weird stuff and othering of people in their own community.

[letstalkwhump]

Welcome to Let’s Talk Whump, a series of interviews that spotlight the amazing people in our whump community! I’m Malice and I’ll be your host today. 

Here today to talk all things whumpy is the brilliant @whumpcereal!

It’s great to have you here! Let’s start with a fact or two about yourself  like your favorite color or favorite animal? 

My name is Kay, and I’m a high school teacher in my 30’s. Besides whumping unsuspecting gentlemen, my hobbies include reading a lot, belting out showtunes, cooking for people I love, hitting up new bars and restaurants with friends, and traveling. And since you asked–and as a teacher, I hate unanswered questions–I’ve recently realized that orange might be my favorite color, and I love gorillas. 

What does whump mean to you?

 It’s the sort of pressing-on-a-bruise feeling that is wrapped up in watching someone suffer and then be comforted. It’s the need for vulnerability and human connection. It’s watching Prince Philip get chained to a wall and not understanding why you find it so magnetic, but you do, haha! 

How did you find the whump community? What made you want to join? 

I was writing for the Newsies fandom (I know) during the pandemic, and one of my favorite authors tagged her epic work with “whump.” I clicked the tag on tumblr, and I found @lonesome--hunter’s Ezra almost immediately; I fell down the rabbit hole and never came out. After Ezra, I spent a good long time with @ashintheairlikesnow’s Danny and then @galaxywhump’s Wren. I realized that a lot of what I was putting in my own writing could be classified as “whump,” but I wasn’t sure how to join in the fun. I lurked for a while and then beta-ed for @darkthingshappen before I got brave enough to post my own stuff. But part of what motivated me to start posting was just how supportive and welcoming the whole community is. On AO3, you can get tons of hits but almost no real engagement; with whump, that’s totally different. It makes my little dopamine receptors ping. 

The whump community is amazingly supportive! Do you think your view on or the way you consume whump changed since you joined? 

 I am definitely a hurt/comfort gal. I can’t do the hurt without the comfort, and I need my whump to be strongly oriented in the characters’ feelings, whether we’re talking whumpers or whumpees. I struggle when a character is just getting the shit kicked out of them endlessly; I want them to have some relief, even if the relief is bittersweet or painful in its own way. I also find it easier to whump an OC than I do a fandom character, just because if they’re mine, I can build the kind of backstory that makes the whump reasonable. 

And your favourite whump trope?

 I do like noncon. Whump is a genre where I’ve really been able to explore scary things that have happened to me, and when a whumpee has an honest (and not needlessly gratuitous) nonconsensual experience, I gravitate toward it, especially if they’re allowed to explore the aftermath and how it makes them feel. I also love a mute whumpee–probably because I watched The Little Mermaid too many times growing up. Something about the helplessness of being trapped in your own body and at the mercy of others–hey, whumperflies! Captivity whump too, especially anything in the BBU. The BBU was one of my favorite discoveries when I found the community. It provides such rich opportunities! 

Captivity whump is so good! Would you mind sharing a favourite piece you've written? (the following pieces may contain non-explicit nsfw references)

Ooooh. Well, I guess I’ll choose one from each of my series. For Jack, my first and forever whumpee in Behavior Modification, and his caretaker, my wish-fulfillment fake husband, Joe, it’s this piece with their little girl. It’s something that I wrote in basically a single stretch one afternoon last summer, and I’m proud of it because it shows both how far Jack has come in his recovery and how much everything he’s gone through is still affecting him. It also shows how fierce of a protector Joe is, even though Jack’s got strength of his own. Plus, Hallie, their little girl, was super fun to create. She’s a feisty little thing, and I liked the idea of looking at such a dark, violent system through a child’s eyes. 

For The Kennel, it’s this piece which immediately follows my boy Will after his best friend Tommy is forced to assault him. It’s got the aftermath of noncon, plus it includes a lot of world building for my scary whumper, Doc, and his particular set-up. It really sets up the horror of the situation in which Will and Tommy have found themselves and also emphasizes the stories of other whumpees whose stories I’d love to explore (Justin and Tony, I’m looking at you). Plus, it gives Annie–who’s technically the caretaker in this story, even though she’s been abused herself–a chance to think about how she’s been raised and the way her father treats people. My favorite moment is when Will just breaks down completely, because we haven’t seen him do that yet. It’s a human moment, and he’s feeling so much less than human that it’s almost cathartic. 

And then, honorable mention to this piece where I crossover my two stories and let Jack help Will as his post-rescue counselor. I had so much fun with that reveal! 

Oh wow, I love the Kennel piece! You’ve broken my heart with Justin and Will! Would you like to share your writing routine  with us?

 I’ve actually been riding a bit of a block lately, but typically, I am an evening writer. No drinks or snacks, but usually movie scores that match the mood of what I’m writing. On good nights, it’s big blocks; on others, it’s just a sentence here and there (that’s been where I’m at lately). I try to write a little every day, but again, it’s been rough lately. Being a teacher at the end of the year is just as hard as being a student, haha. 

I can only imagine! Are some things easier for you to write? Anything you struggle with writing?

 I have an easier time writing recovery than I do straight whump, which is sometimes a bummer, because the whump community doesn’t seem to like recovery quite as much. So, I’ll pour myself into a recovery piece I have big feelings about, and then it won’t get quite as much traffic and engagement as when I’m roughing up the boys. I am very careful about how I write noncon. I think I do a decent job, but I try to approach it from a place of sensitivity to the person who is suffering versus engaging through violence alone. That can take a lot of time and thought and big feelings. 

And is there anything you're working on at the moment? 

I do have a fantasy crossover miniseries with Jack, Joe, and Ivan and @oddsconverts’ Josh and Felix that I’ve had a really fun time working on. I need to write a little intro before I post it. I need to go back to Jack and his intimacy consultations at WRU, and AU AU Joe and his reaction to the Drip. Poor Will and Tommy are in desperate need of attention; I need to get Will sold away so all the drama can increase. Maybe during summer vacation? 

Do you have a joke or pun you would like to share to spread some smiles today? I am only funny on accident. Just ask my students. ;-) 

Do you have any writing advice you’d like to share?

I’m great at giving advice to others, but absolute shit at following that advice myself. For instance, write for you. Don’t write for hits, likes, reblogs, etc. Just write what you want to read. Write as often as you can. During the pandemic, what got me back into writing after years of thinking about it was trying to write a little every day. Find you some writing friends who will get excited with you when there’s something you can’t wait to write about. 

Finally, would you like to give a mention to some of the amazing people in the whump community?

I already mentioned some of my favorites, but shout outs to @hold-him-down (whom I was lucky enough to eat very expensive risotto with this spring and whose Leo is one of my very favorite whumpees), @peachy-panic (58 Days is one of my VERY favorites), @whump-for-all-and-all-for-whump (whose Wyatt has my whole heart), and @squishablesunbeam (I mean, Jesse? Come on!). My first friends in the whump community were @darkthingshappen (creator of my Benny baby), @oddsconvert (whose series are all so beautifully written that I can’t choose a favorite–she even made me like vampire whump–and who is my wonder twin forever), and @sparrowsage (go check out his new stuff!). 

Thank you so much for joining us, @whumpcereal ! It was a pleasure to have you here! 

And to all you lovely folks at home, have a whump-derful day!

[writingquestionsanswered]

How long is a normal length of time to work on an outline? (Sorry this kinda turned into a ramble) I decided to actually sit down and outline a novel I started in 2018 but dropped, mainly because I had no idea where I was going with it. During the pandemic, I discovered the wonder of actually outlining and sticking to a schedule-ish, and I managed to write a couple of short novels. Now, to myself, I call these "practice novels". They're not that good, but I needed something to practice with so I took really old stories I had discarded and just wrote them down, I had the time and needed something to write. Now, I wrote a short novel in January-March last year that came out really good, maybe the best I've written so far, and in November I started a sequel and finished it a little over a month ago. It also came out really nice. Now, it's normal for me to start thinking of my next project when I'm about to wrap up the one I'm currently working on, and this time I decided I was going to work on this 2018 project. It's also normal for me to take some time off to cool down when I just finished something, reread and revise, and basically get some rest before I get in the mood to write again. Now, a friend of mine has been asking repeatedly why haven't I written in so long and if something had happened. She even recommended me some books to get me inspired again. And honestly? I don't really feel in the mood to write yet, and I feel like my outline is still incomplete. I'm doing research and taking my time to properly develop the characters and the story. I already had a go with this one once and dropped it. This time I want to do it right, I don't want to rush it, I really like the story and the characters and want to make the best I can out of it. I kinda feel pressured by this friend but I also feel like I should just follow my gut and prepare the way I feel best.

Spending a While in the Pre-Write Phase

Every writer is different, and every project is different, so there's no right or wrong amount of time to spend outlining your story or in the pre-write phase in general. The only potential definition of "too long" there is would be spending so long outlining/in pre-write that you never actually write the story.

"Percolating" and Practice Matter

If you're not quite ready to work on this story because you feel the ideas need more time to percolate, that's absolutely fine. You should trust your gut on that and not friends who are pressuring you to write. But if you're not actively engaging in the pre-write phase of this story... for example, outlining, world building, developing characters, etc., it might at least be worth considering doing some writing prompts to exercise your writing brain in the meantime. Writing is a lot like bike riding in that you won't forget how to do it if you don't do it for a long time, but the required muscles lose their strength just a little bit. So things like reading, journaling, and doing writing prompts are some good ways to keep those writing muscles engaged. And you can even do writing prompts related to the story you're outlining, too. The first nine suggestions in Getting Unstuck: Motivation Beyond Mood Boards & Playlists has some story-related prompts you can try out. Getting Excited About Your Story Again has some other story-related prompts that are fun and can help you flesh out your characters and setting in surprising ways.

It's Okay to Politely Tell Writer Friends to Chill

All relationships take work, even relationships with writer friends, and those can be particularly prickly because part of being writer friends is to help motivate one another, but there can be a delicate line between motivating and nagging. Sometimes people don't realize they're crossing that line. So when you feel like a writer friend is putting pressure on you, don't be afraid to say, "Hey, I really appreciate your support and the motivation you give me, but right now I'm focusing on taking a little break to clear my head and let this old story percolate a bit before I start working on it."

I hope that helps! ♥

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

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[yegarts]

I Am YEG Arts series: Donita Large

Donita Large is a Cree singer-songwriter whose powerful stories and beautiful melodies pack an emotional punch. With a passion for singing that started at an early age – having been immersed in Métis, country, and gospel music all her life – Donita started out singing at funerals and weddings in her community of Saddle Lake First Nation, AB. Understanding how music can be a powerful tool in healing, during the pandemic she took the plunge into releasing her own songs. A year and a half later, Donita has released three original songs, hitting number one on the Indigenous Music Countdown, and she shows no signs of slowing down.  

This week’s “I Am YEG Arts” story focuses on Donita Large.  

Tell us a little bit about your connection to Edmonton and what keeps you living and working here. 

I grew up in my community of Saddle Lake First Nation. I finished high school, and I came to the city for post-secondary, like many people do. And once I landed here, I started to get connected with the Indigenous community here. I think once you lay your roots someplace and you start getting involved in community it's harder to leave. I really love the music community in Edmonton. It's very dynamic and there's so many amazing artists, so it's pretty easy to stay. 

What drew you to music as a creative outlet, and what guides or informs the music that you make? 

That is a really big question. I have a very musical family back home in northeastern Alberta – in Saddle Lake, but also Moose Mountain where my mom's side of the family is. I grew up listening to my uncles play fiddle and guitar, and so for me, music was just a part of life. It wasn't like I chose it. I can't imagine having grown up without music.  

When I came to the city, I didn't have those connections right away, and so I started to reach out to different organizations and places. What really got me going was when I started jamming, playing ukulele and just getting together and having some fun, trying out some new things. And it got me writing music as well. I had only written one song at that point, and I don't know how other songwriters are, but I think there's a bit of imposter syndrome. Like, can I really write? Is this something that I can do? and you kind of limit yourself. So, I started to write more music and that inspired me to focus on creating more music.  

And then it became, well, what am I going to write about? What's the focus? What got me writing originals is that I really wanted to write songs that honored my ancestors, and honored the stories that I think people are just starting to hear, and some of the stories that are just starting to be told. Some [songs] have that Indigenous inspired sound and some are specific to things that are in my heart and in my mind around reconciliation and around the stories that I just feel like it's a good time to tell. 

In what ways does your Indigenous heritage influence your art? 

I think it influences everything. It's not something I feel like I can separate in any way. It's just who I am and that's my experience in this world. One of my songs, “Reconciliation Sky” honours residential school survivors; those who went to residential school and didn't come home, and those who went and had the experiences they had at residential school. I have many people in my family who went to residential school, including my father. And so, I felt it was an important story.  

The very first song that I wrote – it's not the first song I released – but the first song I wrote was called “Ancestors in my Bones”. It was just something I felt. I pulled over on the side of the road and wrote these lyrics, and it was something that I felt like I just needed to sing.  

And while jamming with a group of ladies, the song that came out was a song about women's empowerment. Having gone through unhealthy relationships in my past and thinking about that story, I wrote a song called “Going to Walk that Line” about creating healthy boundaries and feeling really good about what I'm going to accept in my life and what I'm not going to accept. All of those pieces are influenced by who I am as an Indigenous person. 

As a storyteller, what narratives or inspiration do you find yourself returning to in your songs? 

Being a mother, I contemplate what messages I want to put out in the world because I know that music and words have power. Knowing that my daughter is going to be singing along and hearing these songs, that impacts the words that I say. But also, as much as I want to tell the stories of our experiences, whether it be hurt or intergenerational trauma, I also want to tell stories of hope or healing.  

One of the songs that I wrote that I haven't released – it'll be a part of what the work that I’ll be doing this year – is called “Sweetgrass”, and it's a really beautiful healing song. It makes people feel good when they hear it, and if I can sing a song that allows people to feel really grounded, connected, and happy in their heart to hear it, that makes me feel good about the music I'm putting out in the world.  

But to balance it, I also wrote a song that has a lot of angst in it. It's a really heavy, hard rock song that hasn't come out yet. I'm kind of all over the map when it comes to genres because I really love all different kinds of sounds. I think that at the end of the day, a lot of it just has to do with my own experiences of wanting to share a story and also do some education through my lyrics.  

Tell us more about your new song “Reconciliation Sky” and your experience working with mentor/producer Chris Birkett. 

I had the privilege of getting to meet Chris [Birkett] when I was looking for a producer to do “Ancestors in my Bones”. When I first wrote the song, I'd been performing it with a drum or a rattle and I was trying to figure out how to get a sound for the recording with more of a “World Rock” feeling to it. I was able to connect with the music publisher Eric Alper and I said, look, this song would be the kind of song that someone like Buffy Sainte-Marie would appreciate. He told me Buffy doesn't produce her stuff anymore; she's at a time in her life where she gets other people to do that work. Then he asked, “would you like to meet her producer?” And I was like, that sounds like a great idea! I was so surprised that I asked a question, and here I was being introduced to Chris.  

We connected on Zoom because he lives in Toronto. He was so humble, and he's got a spiritual, cool vibe and it was so easy to talk to him. And then I sent him my song and he loved it. He did the producing for that first song.  

I was able to get a grant through the Edmonton Arts Council to go to Toronto and be mentored by Chris for a week. And during our time together, we wrote four songs together and “Reconciliation Sky” was one of those songs. 

It was interesting because when you work with somebody where energies connect, things flow really easily. I told Chris that I felt it was really important at this time that I tell this story. I want to find a way to be able to talk about and honour the 215 that started in Kamloops with the unmarked graves, and how that story is continuing across Canada. You know that story hasn't ended. And I think because it's not in the media, I'm not sure how many people are really aware of how many residential schools are still recovering family members. I thought that was an important story to tell.  

Thinking about how to tell that story, Chris and I were talking and he said, “I have this really beautiful lullaby that I used to sing my son that I wrote for him. And I have this melody. Do you want to hear it?” And I said sure. He played it for me, and I was like, that's the sound. The lullaby piece is so fitting because in my second verse I acknowledge the mothers didn't have a chance to sing those lullabies because their children were at residential school. 

What advice would you like to share with emerging artists? 

I think part of it is that you can’t wait for people to make it happen for you. Regardless of what medium you're in, it's important to make connections and to ask those questions and get out there. And know that there's going to be times that you're not going to know what you're doing. There were times when I was trying to figure out how to release music. I was like, this is so beyond me and I had to reach out to people in the industry. I have a cousin who had released music in Saskatchewan and he was doing really well so I reached out to him and I'm like, hey, how do I do this? He gave me tips, and then I started reaching out to a mentor and he would give me tips. The more that I asked questions, the more people were helping. Sometimes people won't help, for whatever reason, and that's OK. But there's lots of people who do want to help, and I think the hard part is to stay on top of it; you’ve got to stay engaged. There's a lot of work involved. It's not something that just magically happens. 

Tell us about what you're currently working on and what you hope to explore next. 

Well, I have some shows booked, I'm doing shows with my guitar player Anthony King. Anthony King is the lead guitar player for Buffy Sainte-Marie, and he happened to move to Edmonton. I'm very grateful he's here. And then also I have a band – Donita Large and the Small Band.  I've done some festivals and different shows and I'm hoping to hit more stages.  

My daughter is also doing a show with us in March. She'll be doing some pow wow dancing/ fancy dancing for the SkirtsAfire Festival, as a part of our show Nikâwiy, meaning ‘my mother’ in Cree. I'm with the Indigenous women's group called Nîpisîy (Nîpisîy meaning ‘willow’ in Cree) along with Sherryl Sewepegaham, Debbie Houle and Cindy Paul.  

And I've decided that I want to finish an album. At this point I've released three singles, and I’ve decided that this is the year that I want to focus on getting an album together and getting that out. I'll be working with Chris Birkett again, and hopefully either going to Toronto or having him come here.  

What excites you most about the Edmonton art scene right now? 

When I think about what exists in Edmonton there's so much dynamic art that is happening in so many different areas. For example, prior to Christmas the Indigenous Artist Market had done shows and I got to sing at three different weekends. Just to walk through and see like 30 Indigenous artist vendors – that didn’t exist before. It used to be harder to find beadwork or mukluks that were made here. To have so much available, to me, that's one way people have come together.  

When it comes to music, you can go find live music – amazing live music – any night of the week. It's really a matter of how much time you have and whether you can make that work. But there's just so many amazing musicians and so many different genres that are represented. And it feels like it's a very welcoming community. I think the opportunities that are presented now, especially for young people if they choose to get into art, there's so much more support and there's so much more opportunity than there ever was before. 

Want more YEG Arts Stories? We’ll be sharing them here and on social media using the hashtag #IamYegArts. Follow along! Click here to learn more about Donita Large.  

About Donita Large 

Donita Large is Cree from Saddle Lake First Nation and is a singer-songwriter and has been mentored as an associate vocal coach. She has an education in social work, addictions and adult education and is a Four Directions Wellness Specialist and a Circle of Safety Women’s Family Violence Facilitator. Performing solo or in groups, Donita has sung in Indigenous women's acapella and drum groups, for special events like in the Indigenous & Black Choir for a Johnny Reid CCMA performance, an Indigenous quintet performance at Carnegie Hall, and on intimate stages like the Pêhonân stage at the Edmonton International Fringe Festival.  In May 2021, Donita created and produced the music for a University of Alberta educational video called “Territorial Acknowledgements: Going Beyond the Script”. 

[bromcommie]

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction? 

🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis?

🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately?

Hi nonnie, thanks for the ask!

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction? 

I've been writing little stories since I was a kid, but when it comes to fic I was always just content to read it and never really thought I'd write any. I only started sometime during the pandemic, I think - I wasn’t really in fandom anymore at that point but I was stuck back at home, I had a lot of time and restless grief on my hands, and I was in desperate need of doing something creative but suffering from a massive block. That was around the time TFATWS was being filmed and in a sudden bout of nostalgia and inspiration I thought, eh, what the hell. So I essentially started by writing a bunch of semi-fix-it ficlets about Sam & Bucky bonding and figuring out their post-Snap 2.0 grief together and lovingly antagonizing each other all over the European continent. (It was a nice mix of pandemic horror projection and escapism, and weirdly enough it kind of helped.) Eventually I ran out of steam and life responsibilties started picking up speed, but flash forward a couple of years later I picked it back up as a post-CATWS fic for reasons I can't really remember right now. That one wasn't really meant to see the light of day either, but here I am🤷🏻‍♀️And it's been a fun, engaging ride so far! Always a nice way to work on my writing, and everyone I've interacted about fic on here has been genuinely very lovely and engaging.

🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis?

🏃🏼⌛️🦅🌤🫂

🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately?

Oh man. The importance of community, I guess has been up there recently. Figuring out ways in which to foster mutual support and understanding and solidarity starting from my own bubble and locale. Finding resources to learn about the history of that and engage with people that came before me.

[fightingwithtruelove]

hi suz! i'm sorry that you got sick, are you feeling better? sending you lots of healing thoughts and vibes if you're still feeling it!

you know...i don't think i've actually seen a fix-it fic for 2x05...that might've been wishful thinking but fic writers who see this 👀 lol

i love hallmark christmas movies tbh. they're just so wholesome and predictable and comforting because of the predictability, you know? i'm glad that made you feel a little less miserable! do you have any favorite hallmark christmas movies? i always watch the one with scott and kristin chenoweth because it's just so cute! but i really unironically love a lot of the hallmark films lol

do you have a favorite piece you've written? i love listening to writers talk about their stories! i also love reading! did you have any new favorite books this year? what are some of your favorite books? ohhhhh i'm a summer girlie as well! it's a super busy time of year for me, but i feel much more like myself when the sun is out! i love chilly and cozy weather, but it's definitely harder for me mentally, so the spring and summer is my favorite time of the year. i love the beach/sea, i find it so relaxing, and i love going to the beach when i can, i feel like it recharges me, you know? i also like watching ballet lol i love dance -- during the height of the pandemic one of the ballet companies in my area put some of their shows on demand for a bit and i watched their production of a midsummer night's dream and it was so beautiful. i don't get to go to the ballet a lot, but that's definitely something i would love to do next year! sfbgkhdsbglhkdsavg you are not pathetic please, plus like at this point 80% of my personality is being a taylor swift fan (i'm literally wearing taylor merch as i write this lol)

nace endgame was definitely one of my favorite things this year! lol something else that i really loved this year was getting to see my best friend in 3 different trips. we've been best friends since we were teenagers, but she went to the other side of the country for college and she's lived on the other coast since so we only get to see each other a few times a year, but this year i got to visit her twice and she visited me once so that was definitely a highlight of the year! i've done a lot of fun stuff this year, and one of the biggest highlights was going to the eras tour! i love reading, so i loved reading new books this year and discovering some new authors and new favorite books. as i mentioned before, i like baking and i learned how to make swiss meringue buttercream -- it actually turned out so good, so i was proud of myself! this year i also fell back in love with one of my biggest passions (i feel like if i say what it was specifically it'll give away who i am, so i'll tell you later lol) and god what a beautiful feeling it was! i don't think i realized how...lost i felt without that passion and i felt so much more connected with myself once that passion came back. sorry, that got a little intense lol i just think it's beautiful how we can fall in and out of love with things, but the things that are apart of who we truly are we always find our way back to.

i'm glad that you enjoy the messages and aren't like "ugh, it's them again!" lol lol lol i love sending messages and talking to people, so 🤷🏻‍♀️ sending you lots of good vibes and i hope that you have a wonderful week! love, your secret sleuth 🧡🔎

Hi! Thank you so much, I still need the healing vibes, I am better but I'm so not at 100% yet, if you know what I mean? It really got me hard, I do not wish it on anyone.

Exactly!! I haven't seen one, and I need it haha.

Omg I unironically love so many of them tbh. Out of the ones I caught this year I've loved The Christmas House, Ghosts of Christmas Always, and just yesterday I watched A Very Merry Bridesmaid which I super enjoyed. But you know how it is, they play different ones all the time and they're so easily forgettable 🙈

My nace fic obviously has a special place in my heart, but if I had to choose a favorite thing I've ever written, I'd have to go back to my og days in the Linstead fandom, so I won't babble about that! Overall, I am trying to feel more confident in my writing, but that's something I struggle with and compare myself to others all the time. Ooof asking the hard questions! My fave books... Definitely Pride and Prejudice is at the top, I have a comfort series I keep going back to, which is Chesapeake Bay saga by Nora Roberts (I love her explorations of found families and how they can be just as important as biological ones). It feels weird to name the HP books, but I grew up with them and they are a part of me. This years... I read Roisin Meaney's Life Before Us this year, and really enjoyed it. I am sad to report I don't read as many books as I'd like lately, and I need to change that! And yeah, I absolutely know what you mean. The sea recharges me like nothing else. Even just listening to it and watching it. It's amazing. Winter is definitely hard on me too, emotionally. Sometimes I feel during the winter I'm just existing, waiting for it to pass. so I can be myself again in the spring. And that sounds amazing! I've never watched Midsummer Night's Dream ballet!

Hahaha we are the same in that! Actually one of the highlights of this year I forgot to mention was getting tickets for the Eras Tour! I'll be seeing her once in Paris with two of my best friends in the world, and then again in August with a friend I've had since childhood, and then again with one of my best friends. So that's something I'm super excited about for next year! My entire year is gonna be TS coded.

Two of my best friends live two far away for me to see them regularly (actually one of them I've never actually met in real life) so I understand how that made you feel and I'm so happy for you!! It's an amazing feeling when you finally got to spend time with them. And you're so lucky you went to the Eras Tour! Okay, since I told you I need to get back into reading, can you recommend me something fun and possibly romancey? You clearly have good taste so... hehe.

Ahhhh I love buttercream, but cannot for the life of me figure out how to make it properly, so I just gave up pretty much. That's so amazing you mastered it!

What you said about our passions was really beautiful and it resonates with me a lot. And you're absolutely right, it's funny how essentially we are just a mix of our favorite things. That's what makes us who we are. (I'm super curious about your passion, I hope you'll share that with me after! And I hope we can continue talking when ss is over, I feel I'll miss these letters otherwise!). I'm in a similar boat, I had a really long and extensive writer's block at the beginning of this year, and I felt lost without it. It made me realize that whether I post or not, I should remember why I love writing despite that and keep doing it. So please don't apologize! I love what you said, and I am so happy that you got your passion back.

Omg never!! Sitting down to reply is one of my fave things lately, and it truly made being sick more bearable, so thank you! I hope you have a very lovely week as well and I am looking forward to your next message! 💛 lots of love to you my secret sleuth!

[kilgorefish]

Blog Prompt Week 1

Hi,

I’m Harper and I use she/her pronouns. I have been at UWM for a while, through the pandemic, during which I took a break because I find online classes challenging due to issues with deadlines, attention to detail, and time management. All these can be embodied by me turning the first blog post of the semester in late because I didn’t check what time it was due and assumed 11:59pm and because I waited until the last day to begin it, leaving no wiggle room. Despite the challenges that I deal with because of my ADHD in a school setting, I very much like being in school. When I took a year and a half off during COVID, I lost a part of my identity and self-confidence because I really value my academic achievements and my zest for learning. I had a hard time coming back due to feeling behind and inadequate, the whole rigamarole. I had to go through two SAP appeals due to dropping out of classes the semester that lockdown happened and the subsequent failing of a calculus class the returning semester. I am now fighting the calculus demons again this semester and I will win this time. During the last two semesters I have proven to myself that I am capable of being successful in an academic setting and I am now back in solid standing with the university. I really like research and I would like to write a book someday; it has always been something I thought about but never considered actually possible. I am currently reading Imperfect: The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown, she is a researcher and writer and a big inspiration to me.

I am thinking about a minor in English because I really enjoy reading, writing, and literary analysis. I feel ok about sharing my work with others but I always have a nagging sense of inferiority in most academic setting with peers. This is something I am working on and is a result of functioning for most of my life with undiagnosed ADHD, which makes you feel constantly behind and struggling to keep up due to deficits in the ability to direct attention, regulate emotions, manage time, and self-motivate. This leads most adults and educators to the conclusion that you are lazy, childish, and just-need-to-apply-yourself-because-you’re-smart-but-wasting-your-potential (a classic). I like sharing feedback with peers because I like helping people and I try my best to choose my wording and tone purposefully, in order to keep critiques impersonal and suggestions supportive.

I live in Riverwest with two roommates and their children: a cat and a parrot. I like painting and drawing and I like reading tarot for people. I am getting back into having hobbies and things I like to do because a lot of my free time is spent on the internet and social media but I am trying to carve out time for more hobbies and limit my time on apps or delete them all together. I did a lot of drawing as a teen and I still have the pieces which I think would be fun to redraw as a modern interpretation of what I made years ago. Some of my best pieces are on the back of old school assignments or syllabuses because I made them in class with different color pens and highlighters. I have been hanging them on the wall of my bedroom to remind myself to make more art and I have slowly been getting back into it. A few months ago, my friends came over and we all followed a Bob Ross painting tutorial which reminded me how much I like painting and creative outlets.

I remember enjoying the English class that you taught in 2019 and I made sure to keep this class in my schedule even though it meant pushing off credits that count towards my major, so it is my intention to participate fully in class to get out everything I can!

[pickledpascal]

Elle, Why Are You Up?

Relationship: Benoit Blanc x Ezra Wayne

Word Count: 1.1k

Summary: Ezra comes home from his last press junket, only to find Elle and Benoit cuddled up while watching one of her favorite movies.

It was one of those days.

Ezra had been hard at work after the severeness of the pandemic died down. Movies were starting to come out more regularly, meaning some projects Ezra worked on years ago were finally coming out after being held back a year. So he had to go on press tours… leaving Elle and Benoit alone for weeks on end. They were fine as far as Ezra could tell. He face-timed them as frequently as possible. It was a little harder when Ezra was in another country and his morning would be their night. Elle and Benoit were getting along great, sometimes Elle would even go to Benoit’s office with him when she was free from college–mostly during the weekends or in the afternoon. 

It was nice to see them bonding, especially with the world starting to open things up again. It was slow–Ezra didn’t mind, he didn’t need to go out so it wasn’t the worst thing not to.

Thankfully, Ezra was going to be home for a little while. His last press junket for a movie titled “Death on the Nile,” a crime-mystery film that he realized was eerily similar to some of Benoit’s cases. Interesting…

“So, you’ve had an amazing career with such range between roles–from being Agent Tequila in Kingsman to playing alongside Lady Gaga as Jack Maine in A Star is Born–so what’s it like bouncing around all these character types?” A question he got a lot, really. It was somewhat tiring hearing the same sorts of questions over and over again but he did want to be an actor. This sort of stuff just came with the job. 

His answer usually went something like, “I think it’s fun. That’s what this job is for me, at least. I don’t get typecast unlike a lot of other actors. Which is great for me because when I started off I worried that I would be typecast in Indie or artsy films of being this depressed trans guy who deeply hated himself. Glad that didn't happen.”

"As far as celebrities go, you are far more mundane in your living. Is there any particular reason for this?" A different question, but a weird one all the same.

So Ezra would answer honestly, "I spend my money when I feel like it, I'm also not averse to spending it just because I can. My house–on the other hand–I don't need a big house. It's just me and my daughter," Somewhat of a lie but no one needed to know about Benoit yet. He wanted to keep him to himself for a little while longer. "I'd rather not have like five extra bedrooms I need to clean."

"So there's been rumors," Oh, this wasn't going to be good. Nor would there be much thought behind it. "About a special person in your life. Have you met someone?" 

Ezra could lie… except people were clamoring over him online. He wasn't one for social media, he had them–apps like Instagram and Twitter–and posted occasionally when he felt like it. Elle was the one to bring "thirst tweets" to his attention. He had to admit some of them were really nicely written. Perhaps it would squash some of them if he revealed he did have a romantic partner of some sort.

"Actually, I do. I won't say their name but I have a… romantic partner I'm currently trying to keep to myself as much as possible." He joked lightly.

Benoit was such a treasure and he didn't even know it. There's just something so special about him. Perhaps it was the way he dressed so nicely for any sort of occasion. Or maybe it's the way he'd come home from a particularly hard case and still joke around and have fun with Elle. Or just… the fact that he knew just how to comfort Ezra when he was feeling sad. A light touch on his thigh and a kiss on the cheek and it was like the brunet was healed. Nothing hurt anymore as long as Benoit was with him. 

"It's okay, darlin', you're alright. Breathe with me, hm?" Benoit would say, a gentle hand brushing through Ezra's hair. 

Ezra might have exuded confidence and strength for the public but, in private, he was just as traumatized as Elle when seeing the death of Duke. It was hard, having to be okay and be a father for her while also dealing with… everything. Benoit made it easier.

As soon as Ezra opened the door to his house, he could hear the faint voices of Mark Ruffalo and Jennifer Garner. Hm, 13 Going on 30. A classic. Seemed like Elle was doing the usual. A rom-com and some pizza. 

Except he could also hear the faint sound of crying. That couldn't be Elle, she saw this movie dozens of times. The end didn't affect her like that anymore. Venturing further into his own home, Ezra could see Elle and Benoit sitting together on the couch. Elle was clearly still munching on some popcorn, bottom of the bucket while Benoit had a few tissues crumpled up next to him as he wiped his eyes. Not to mention the two pizza boxes sitting on the coffee table, open with only a slice or two left in either of them.

"This is such a beautiful movie, just the Razzles and the… it's wonderful." Benoit took a deep breath as he wiped his eyes. Elle let out a laugh in response.

She patted his back slightly and cuddled up next to him. "I know, dad." Elle hummed with a smile.

Benoit could be quite the emotional man. He got attached very easily to things which was not the best in his line of work. Half of his clients were now his best friends.

Ezra let out a light laugh as he made his way to the couch. He sat next to Benoit, pulling him into his shoulder. Elle smiled widely and climbed over Benoit to hug her father which caused both of them to let out a breath. Elle wasn't as light as she used to be when she was a kid. Either way, it was nice to know he was missed. 

Benoit kissed Ezra's cheek as Elle cuddled up to his side, making Ezra wrap an arm around both of them. 

"Missed you." Benoit hummed, burying his face into Ezra's neck. 

Ezra let out a small chuckle, "I don't know, it seems like you two were having a lot of fun before I came home." He teased softly.

"Don't be an asshole to your boyfriend." Elle hissed, crossing her arms as she shook her head. Benoit let out a laugh at her comment.

Yeah, Ezra was missed but it was nice to know they'd survive without him. Benoit and Elle made a nice team. 

[ohimesama]

1.22.23 Sunday

5:57 am

Still,having the windblow trap....There are so much plastics people in the world... People that you think you care but people who are jealous of me and you...

I really just wanna leave the hometown...

Karma begets karma...

8:53 am

I'm gonna unzip something later about the house of Mommy Adnil... It is really scary if you are a negative person...

But "karma begets karma", right?

10:45 am

How to explain things about the "house" of mommy Adnil... I started there 3 weeks ago, since December of last year...

Anid and me, I considered us really FRIENDS! As in friends! This is a moment to do a recap about our fresh friendship! We met just in Nightingale, we talked and she told me she came from Oman and she was a saleslady and every lunch time we ate almost together in the Nightingale classroom lecture of Mr Xela.

For 6 months I didn't remember going out coz I was really on a thrift, coz my mind was and is really to get a job after... I have to economized my expenses...And I have to work,after...

I was on "Tagged" became a friend of Tenaj but older than me I also met in Nightingale classroom of Mr Xela, but Tenaj is really an old-timer caregiver....

So,Tenaj invited me in Tagged, remember where I almost put my heart's content...It is a social media to meet people coming from different walks in life but I thought when the time I met Andy from Canada,I thought he will be the sprint of my life but nah...

Our story Anid and Me:

Then, we texted every now and then me and Anid, saying hi and how are you....What's up? I remember she worked in "POGO" on and off during pandemic....She earned more than a 100k... I know her love story and her heart breaks...She got heartbroken, she trusted the guy...She opened him a business but everything didn't last... But still Anid is a tough girl or woman though shorty but a tough woman...

We keep in touch every now and then... Then, last year we just keep in touch again and I opened-up that hey! What's up! I need money and what are you doing or simply what's up?

She told me that she is working in Mommy Adnil's house for a year and if I need money, I can try to go in coz she is tired and she didn't enjoy the job itself coz it is really hellish for her and I said yeah! Do you think I can be your reliever or substitute? But I'm her superior in a way... Coz even on other big corporation, sometimes the supervisor forgot to do some job task of a particular... But me,I know I experienced managing the bedridden on a mannequin... Mr Xela was able to give us a workshop on handling our bedridden patients.

In reality the job on Mommy Adnil as her caregiver was really difficult coz there will be a shake on your emotion, you have to be aware of everything coz Mommy Adnil has her own tantrums. Mommy Adnil can freeze your mind going to "mental block" coz when she started to shout her nature tantrums you must not compete her coz of the situation of having a butt bedsore and bedridden...

Mommy Adnil still has an awareness and she is the Queen there coz she will shake you... She will walk again step by step.... Mommy Adnil is not a mean person but just a Queen of their family...I won't tell you much... I went there as a FRIEND & without a mask...

11:39 am

The big umbrella is gone again here... Grrr...

12:42 noon

Well, I need money and I need to find a job again... I hope to leave the hometown and oopps... Before that I'm gonna share here some of the high-lights of Mommy Adnil's house or the cat house or the house with full of cats...

In a lil while...

1:07 pm

I was on Mommy Adnil's house, the fun thing it was kinda "finder's keeper's"...

1. There is a green hanger inside the spare room or stock room of different things, I forgot the term of a particular room or space in the house.

There is a green hanger in the extra room but the weird thing is the hanger rack or clothes rack,it trapped the green hanger, meaning you can't get it out from the hanger rack.

2. The stopper someone put it on the stairs last 1.17.23 stopper it is used for doors...

3. There is a hunting toy gun inside the room of Mommy Adnil at the back of her bed, her wooden cabinets there...

4. There is a stopper in the kitchen last 1.18.23

Those are the high-lights...

The house is very interesting with so many cute stuff and symbols such as frog paper post board, frog floor figurine, sunflower paper weight, elephant floor or table figurine, cat figurine, many ilocos figurine inside their bathroom.

And Ms Enaoj the favorite daughter of Mommy Adnil never used a peeler but she got so many knives in their kitchen and 1 sharp knife and so many old knives on the knives holder placed on the kitchen cabinet in the kitchen and it looked like somebody smashed the door cabinet where the knives were placed... It was and is weird for me...But I never asked Ms Enaoj about these things...

The butt pillow someone just intentionally cut it or chop it coz you can wash the butt pillow as a whole but why they chopped it and there are 5 butt pillows and the foam of some were cut or chopped into pieces, meaning after washing or if Mommy Adnil peed on it, you should hang it on the stairs holder just fit it there.When you need to find a new washed butt pillow case of course you need to get a foam for it and you will just look at the stairs coz it is where the butt pillow foam is placed whenever it gets wet by Mommy Adnil.. It looks like a puzzle pieces coz someone chop it, for me it looks like intentionally.... You have to find or pair the chop pieces of their butt pillow for Mommy Adnil...

Hmm... And I think Ms Enaoj is a company doctor in PAL not just a nurse!

2:21 pm

I still need money and thinking of money....Need to find a job somewhere again... Waiting for my agent to find for me...

I still have this left aching sciatica and I want a handsome bf's who can be my friend and assist me... Be with me until I can have a job again or maintain the friendship and make money... Assist me on my social life... Someone who owns a car as well...

I want to have a group...To get bf's...

3:58 pm

For the fucking women out there like on TV on DJ's please get out of my hair... I feel jealous...

Don't fucking interfere on me, don't put a stopper on my maturity...

I wanna get some bf's....I need a bf's to assist me...

6:39 pm

Anid texted me to have a duty on Mommy Adnil but the thing is you have to set some space if you feel that they don't like you... Gets? My point angels...

I care for Mommy Adnil and my friend Mike knew my genuine emotion about it...But planning to compare me on Anid,thing that I don't like... I'm not a kid!

I need consistency on money... I need money...I want big money...

I need a group of handsome men,taller than me with a car having a religious heart to assist me and be my bf's...

Later will post here the step by step of doing your task as caregiver on Mommy Adnil's house...

I want bags and I wanna buy starbucks everyday... I want men's attention, handsome men like the Al-Maktoums!

8:22 pm

I feel fat and ugly... I hate a job without consistency... I need money and I want money... I wanna starbucks everyday.

I feel hurt handsome doesn't like me anymore... I can't meet tall and handsome men that I was able to have their attention before... I need a car who can assist me...

I'm self-pitying...I feel fat and ugly... I wanna leave the hometown...

8:41 pm

I still have the windblow trap cult of ManaloZ... I really feel fat and ugly...

What am I gonna do? Will be 42 this year... I don't wanna be a church of christ anymore....I lost all my chances in life... I can't get a job having a consistency...

I feel intimidated... I just want men's attention having an intellectual mind set and having maturity...

I hate women who treated me a kid, what about me on men? They took away all the attention, handsome and tall doesn't want me anymore and I want with stability...

I need new bf's who can assist me...

I feel fat and ugly... How can I get new bf's just like Cleopatra,angels!

I need a job and beauty... I need money....I wanna stretch my face...

But before that I wanna get my new bf's who are willing to assist me....I wanna progress ... I want money...

[path-of-my-childhood]

Musicians On Musicians: Paul McCartney & Taylor Swift

By: Patrick Doyle for Rolling Stone Date: November 13th 2020

On songwriting secrets, making albums at home, and what they’ve learned during the pandemic.

Taylor Swift arrived early to Paul McCartney’s London office in October, “mask on, brimming with excitement.” “I mostly work from home these days,” she writes about that day, “and today feels like a rare school field trip that you actually want to go on.”

Swift showed up without a team, doing her own hair and makeup. In addition to being two of the most famous pop songwriters in the world, Swift and McCartney have spent the past year on similar journeys. McCartney, isolated at home in the U.K., recorded McCartney III. Like his first solo album, in 1970, he played nearly all of the instruments himself, resulting in some of his most wildly ambitious songs in a long time. Swift also took some new chances, writing over email with the National’s Aaron Dessner and recording the raw Folklore, which abandons arena pop entirely in favor of rich character songs. It’s the bestselling album of 2020.

Swift listened to McCartney III as she prepared for today’s conversation; McCartney delved into Folkore. Before the photo shoot, Swift caught up with his daughters Mary (who would be photographing them) and Stella (who designed Swift’s clothes; the two are close friends). “I’ve met Paul a few times, mostly onstage at parties, but we’ll get to that later,” Swift writes. “Soon he walks in with his wife, Nancy. They’re a sunny and playful pair, and I immediately feel like this will be a good day. During the shoot, Paul dances and takes almost none of it too seriously and sings along to Motown songs playing from the speakers. A few times Mary scolds, ‘Daaad, try to stand still!’ And it feels like a window into a pretty awesome family dynamic. We walk into his office for a chat, and after I make a nervous request, Paul is kind enough to handwrite my favorite lyric of his and sign it. He makes a joke about me selling it, and I laugh because it’s something I know I’ll cherish for the rest of my life. That’s around the time when we start talking about music.”

Taylor Swift: I think it’s important to note that if this year had gone the way that we thought it was going to go, you and I would have played Glastonbury this year, and instead, you and I both made albums in isolation.

Paul McCartney: Yeah!

Swift: And I remember thinking it would have been so much fun because the times that I’ve run into you, I correlate with being some of the most fun nights of my life. I was at a party with you, when everybody just started playing music. And it was Dave Grohl playing, and you...

McCartney: You were playing one of his songs, weren’t you?

Swift: Yes, I was playing his song called “Best of You,” but I was playing it on piano, and he didn’t recognize it until about halfway through. I just remember thinking, “Are you the catalyst for the most fun times ever?” Is it your willingness to get up and play music that makes everyone feel like this is a thing that can happen tonight?

McCartney: I mean, I think it’s a bit of everything, isn’t it? I’ll tell you who was very... Reese Witherspoon was like, “Are you going to sing?” I said “Oh, I don’t know.” She said, “You’ve got to, yeah!” She’s bossing me around. So I said, “Whoa,” so it’s a bit of that.

Swift: I love that person, because the party does not turn musical without that person.

McCartney: Yeah, that’s true.

Swift: If nobody says, “Can you guys play music?” we’re not going to invite ourselves up onstage at whatever living-room party it is.

McCartney: I seem to remember Woody Harrelson got on the piano, and he starts playing “Let It Be,” and I’m thinking, “I can do that better.” So I said, “Come on, move over, Woody.” So we’re both playing it. It was really nice... I love people like Dan Aykroyd, who’s just full of energy and he loves his music so much, but he’s not necessarily a musician, but he just wanders around the room, just saying, “You got to get up, got to get up, do some stuff.”

Swift: I listened to your new record. And I loved a lot of things about it, but it really did feel like kind of a flex to write, produce, and play every instrument on every track. To me, that’s like flexing a muscle and saying, “I can do all this on my own if I have to.”

McCartney: Well, I don’t think like that, I must admit. I just picked up some of these instruments over the years. We had a piano at home that my dad played, so I picked around on that. I wrote the melody to “When I’m 64” when I was, you know, a teenager.

Swift: Wow.

McCartney: When the Beatles went to Hamburg, there were always drum kits knocking around, so when there was a quiet moment, I’d say, “Do you mind if I have a knock around?” So I was able to practice, you know, without practicing. That’s why I play right-handed. Guitar was just the first instrument I got. Guitar turned to bass; it also turned into ukulele, mandolin. Suddenly, it’s like, “Wow,” but it’s really only two or three instruments.

Swift: Well, I think that’s downplaying it a little bit. In my mind, it came with a visual of you being in the country, kind of absorbing the sort of do-it-yourself [quality] that has had to come with the quarantine and this pandemic. I found that I’ve adapted a do-it-yourself mentality to a lot of things in my career that I used to outsource.  I’m just wondering what a day of recording in the pandemic looked like for you.

McCartney: Well, I’m very lucky because I have a studio that’s, like, 20 minutes away from where I live. We were in lockdown on a farm, a sheep farm with my daughter Mary and her four kids and her husband. So I had four of my grandkids, I had Mary, who’s a great cook, so I would just drive myself to the studio. And there were two other guys that could come in and we’d be very careful and distanced and everything: my engineer Steve, and then my equipment guy Keith. So the three of us made the record, and I just started off. I had to do a little bit of film music - I had to do an instrumental for a film thing - so I did that. And I just kept going, and that turned into the opening track on the album. I would just come in, say, “Oh, yeah, what are we gonna do?” [Then] have some sort of idea, and start doing it. Normally, I’d start with the instrument I wrote it on, either piano or guitar, and then probably add some drums and then a bit of bass till it started to sound like a record, and then just gradually layer it all up. It was fun.

Swift: That’s so cool.

McCartney: What about yours? You’re playing guitar and piano on yours.

Swift: Yeah, on some of it, but a lot of it was made with Aaron Dessner, who’s in a band called the National that I really love. And I had met him at a concert a year before, and I had a conversation with him, asking him how he writes. It’s my favorite thing to ask people who I’m a fan of. And he had an interesting answer. He said, “All the band members live in different parts of the world. So I make tracks. And I send them to our lead singer, Matt, and he writes the top line.” I just remember thinking, “That is really efficient.” And I kind of stored it in my brain as a future idea for a project. You know, how you have these ideas... “Maybe one day I’ll do this.” I always had in my head: “Maybe one day I’ll work with Aaron Dessner.”

So when lockdown happened, I was in L.A., and we kind of got stuck there. It’s not a terrible place to be stuck. We were there for four months maybe, and during that time, I sent an email to Aaron Dessner and I said, “Do you think you would want to work during this time? Because my brain is all scrambled, and I need to make something, even if we’re just kind of making songs that we don’t know what will happen...”

McCartney: Yeah, that was the thing. You could do stuff -  you didn’t really worry it was going to turn into anything.

Swift: Yeah, and it turned out he had been writing instrumental tracks to keep from absolutely going crazy during the pandemic as well, so he sends me this file of probably 30 instrumentals, and the first one I opened ended up being a song called “Cardigan,” and it really happened rapid-fire like that. He’d send me a track; he’d make new tracks, add to the folder; I would write the entire top line for a song, and he wouldn’t know what the song would be about, what it was going to be called, where I was going to put the chorus. I had originally thought, “Maybe I’ll make an album in the next year, and put it out in January or something,” but it ended up being done and we put it out in July. And I just thought there are no rules anymore, because I used to put all these parameters on myself, like, “How will this song sound in a stadium? How will this song sound on radio?” If you take away all the parameters, what do you make? And I guess the answer is Folklore.

McCartney: And it’s more music for yourself than music that’s got to go do a job. My thing was similar to that: After having done this little bit of film music, I had a lot of stuff that I had been working on, but I’d said, “I’m just going home now,” and it’d be left half-finished. So I just started saying, “Well, what about that? I never finished that.” So we’d pull it out, and we said, “Oh, well, this could be good.” And because it didn’t have to amount to anything, I would say, “Ah, I really want to do tape loops. I don’t care if they fit on this song, I just want to do some.” So I go and make some tape loops, and put them in the song, just really trying to do stuff that I fancy.

I had no idea it would end up as an album; I may have been a bit less indulgent, but if a track was eight minutes long, to tell you the truth, what I thought was, “I’ll be taking it home tonight, Mary will be cooking, the grandkids will all be there running around, and someone, maybe Simon, Mary’s husband, is going to say, ‘What did you do today?’ And I’m going to go, ‘Oh,’ and then get my phone and play it for them.” So this became the ritual.

Swift: That’s the coziest thing I’ve ever heard.

McCartney: Well, it’s like eight minutes long, and I said, “I hate it when I’m playing someone something and it finishes after three minutes.” I kind of like that it just [continues] on.

Swift: You want to stay in the zone.

McCartney: It just keeps going on. I would just come home, “Well, what did you do today?” “Oh, well, I did this. I’m halfway through this,” or, “We finished this.”

Swift: I was wondering about the numerology element to McCartney III. McCartney I, II, and III have all come out on years with zeroes.

McCartney: Ends of decades.

Swift: Was that important?

McCartney: Yeah, well, this was being done in 2020, and I didn’t really think about it. I think everyone expected great things of 2020. “It’s gonna be great! Look at that number! 2020! Auspicious!” Then suddenly Covid hit, and it was like, “That’s gonna be auspicious all right, but maybe for the wrong reasons.” Someone said to me, “Well, you put out McCartney right after the Beatles broke up, and that was 1970, and then you did McCartney II in 1980.” And I said, “Oh, I’m going to release this in 2020 just for whatever you call it, the numerology...”

Swift: The numerology, the kind of look, the symbolism. I love numbers. Numbers kind of rule my whole world. The numbers 13... 89 is a big one. I have a few others that I find...

McCartney: Thirteen is lucky for some.

Swift: Yeah, it’s lucky for me. It’s my birthday. It’s all these weird coincidences of good things that have happened. Now, when I see it places, I look at it as a sign that things are going the way they’re supposed to. They may not be good now, they could be painful now, but things are on a track. I don’t know, I love the numerology.

McCartney: It’s spooky, Taylor. It’s very spooky. Now wait a minute: Where’d you get 89?

Swift: That’s when I was born, in 1989, and so I see it in different places and I just think it’s...

McCartney: No, it’s good. I like that, where certain things you attach yourself to, and you get a good feeling off them. I think that’s great.

Swift: Yeah, one of my favorite artists, Bon Iver, he has this thing with the number 22. But I was also wondering: You have always kind of seeked out a band or a communal atmosphere with like, you know, the Beatles and Wings, and then Egypt Station. I thought it was interesting when I realized you had made a record with no one else. I just wondered, did that feel natural?

McCartney: It’s one of the things I’ve done. Like with McCartney, because the Beatles had broken up, there was no alternative but to get a drum kit at home, get a guitar, get an amp, get a bass, and just make something for myself. So on that album, which I didn’t really expect to do very well, I don’t think it did. But people sort of say, “I like that. It was a very casual album.” It didn’t really have to mean anything. So I’ve done that, the play-everything-myself thing. And then I discovered synths and stuff, and sequencers, so I had a few of those at home. I just thought I’m going to play around with this and record it, so that became McCartney II. But it’s a thing I do. Certain people can do it. Stevie Wonder can do it. Stevie Winwood, I believe, has done it. So there are certain people quite like that.

When you’re working with someone else, you have to worry about their variances. Whereas your own variance, you kind of know it. It’s just something I’ve grown to like. Once you can do it, it becomes a little bit addictive. I actually made some records under the name the Fireman.

Swift: Love a pseudonym.

McCartney: Yeah, for the fun! But, you know, let’s face it, you crave fame and attention when you’re young. And I just remembered the other day, I was the guy in the Beatles that would write to journalists and say [speaks in a formal voice]: “We are a semiprofessional rock combo, and I’d think you’d like [us]... We’ve written over 100 songs (which was a lie), my friend John and I. If you mention us in your newspaper...” You know, I was always, like, craving the attention.

Swift: The hustle! That’s so great, though.

McCartney: Well, yeah, you need that.

Swift: Yeah, I think, when a pseudonym comes in is when you still have a love for making the work and you don’t want the work to become overshadowed by this thing that’s been built around you, based on what people know about you. And that’s when it’s really fun to create fake names and write under them.

McCartney: Do you ever do that?

Swift: Oh, yeah.

McCartney: Oh, yeah? Oh, well, we didn’t know that! Is that a widely known fact?

Swift: I think it is now, but it wasn’t. I wrote under the name Nils Sjöberg because those are two of the most popular names of Swedish males. I wrote this song called “This Is What You Came For” that Rihanna ended up singing. And nobody knew for a while. I remembered always hearing that when Prince wrote “Manic Monday,” they didn’t reveal it for a couple of months.

McCartney: Yeah, it also proves you can do something without the fame tag. I did something for Peter and Gordon; my girlfriend’s brother and his mate were in a band called Peter and Gordon. And I used to write under the name Bernard Webb.

Swift: [Laughs.] That’s a good one! I love it.

McCartney: As Americans call it, Ber-nard Webb. I did the Fireman thing. I worked with a producer, a guy called Youth, who’s this real cool dude. We got along great. He did a mix for me early on, and we got friendly. I would just go into the studio, and he would say, “Hey, what about this groove?” and he’d just made me have a little groove going. He’d say, “You ought to put some bass on it. Put some drums on it.” I’d just spend the whole day putting stuff on it. And we’d make these tracks, and nobody knew who Fireman was for a while. We must have sold all of 15 copies.

Swift: Thrilling, absolutely thrilling.

McCartney: And we didn’t mind, you know?

Swift: I think it’s so cool that you do projects that are just for you. Because I went with my family to see you in concert in 2010 or 2011, and the thing I took away from the show most was that it was the most selfless set list I had ever seen. It was completely geared toward what it would thrill us to hear. It had new stuff, but it had every hit we wanted to hear, every song we’d ever cried to, every song people had gotten married to, or been brokenhearted to. And I just remembered thinking, “I’ve got to remember that,” that you do that set list for your fans.

McCartney: You do that, do you?

Swift: I do now. I think that learning that lesson from you taught me at a really important stage in my career that if people want to hear “Love Story” and “Shake It Off,” and I’ve played them 300 million times, play them the 300-millionth-and-first time. I think there are times to be selfish in your career, and times to be selfless, and sometimes they line up.

McCartney: I always remembered going to concerts as a kid, completely before the Beatles, and I really hoped they would play the ones I loved. And if they didn’t, it was kind of disappointing. I had no money, and the family wasn’t wealthy. So this would be a big deal for me, to save up for months to afford the concert ticket.

Swift: Yeah, it feels like a bond. It feels like that person on the stage has given something, and it makes you as a crowd want to give even more back, in terms of applause, in terms of dedication. And I just remembered feeling that bond in the crowd, and thinking, “He’s up there playing these Beatles songs, my dad is crying, my mom is trying to figure out how to work her phone because her hands are shaking so much.” Because seeing the excitement course through not only me, but my family and the entire crowd in Nashville, it just was really special. I love learning lessons and not having to learn them the hard way. Like learning nice lessons I really value.

McCartney: Well, that’s great, and I’m glad that set you on that path. I understand people who don’t want to do that, and if you do, they’ll say, “Oh, it’s a jukebox show.” I hear what they’re saying. But I think it’s a bit of a cheat, because the people who come to our shows have spent a lot of money. We can afford to go to a couple of shows and it doesn’t make much difference. But a lot of ordinary working folks... it’s a big event in their life, and so I try and deliver. I also, like you say, try and put in a few weirdos.

Swift: That’s the best. I want to hear current things, too, to update me on where the artist is. I was wondering about lyrics, and where you were lyrically when you were making this record. Because when I was making Folklore, I went lyrically in a total direction of escapism and romanticism. And I wrote songs imagining I was, like, a pioneer woman in a forbidden love affair [laughs]. I was completely...

McCartney: Was this “I want to give you a child”? Is that one of the lines?

Swift: Oh, that’s a song called “Peace.”

McCartney: “Peace,” I like that one.

Swift: “Peace” is actually more rooted in my personal life. I know you have done a really excellent job of this in your personal life: carving out a human life within a public life, and how scary that can be when you do fall in love and you meet someone, especially if you’ve met someone who has a very grounded, normal way of living. I, oftentimes, in my anxieties, can control how I am as a person and how normal I act and rationalize things, but I cannot control if there are 20 photographers outside in the bushes and what they do and if they follow our car and if they interrupt our lives. I can’t control if there’s going to be a fake weird headline about us in the news tomorrow.

McCartney: So how does that go? Does your partner sympathize with that and understand?

Swift: Oh, absolutely.

McCartney: They have to, don’t they?

Swift: But I think that in knowing him and being in the relationship I am in now, I have definitely made decisions that have made my life feel more like a real life and less like just a storyline to be commented on in tabloids. Whether that’s deciding where to live, who to hang out with, when to not take a picture - the idea of privacy feels so strange to try to explain, but it’s really just trying to find bits of normalcy. That’s what that song “Peace” is talking about. Like, would it be enough if I could never fully achieve the normalcy that we both crave? Stella always tells me that she had as normal a childhood as she could ever hope for under the circumstances.

McCartney: Yeah, it was very important to us to try and keep their feet on the ground amongst the craziness.

Swift: She went to a regular school...

McCartney: Yeah, she did.

Swift: And you would go trick-or-treating with them, wearing masks.

McCartney: All of them did, yeah. It was important, but it worked pretty well, because when they kind of reached adulthood, they would meet other kids who might have gone to private schools, who were a little less grounded.

And they could be the budding mothers to [kids]. I remember Mary had a friend, Orlando. Not Bloom. She used to really counsel him. And it’s ’cause she’d gone through that. Obviously, they got made fun of, my kids. They’d come in the classroom and somebody would sing, “Na na na na,” you know, one of the songs. And they’d have to handle that. They’d have to front it out.

Swift: Did that give you a lot of anxiety when you had kids, when you felt like all this pressure that’s been put on me is spilling over onto them, that they didn’t sign up for it? Was that hard for you?

McCartney: Yeah, a little bit, but it wasn’t like it is now. You know, we were just living a kind of semi-hippie life, where we withdrew from a lot of stuff. The kids would be doing all the ordinary things, and their school friends would be coming up to the house and having parties, and it was just great. I remember one lovely evening when it was Stella’s birthday, and she brought a bunch of school kids up. And, you know, they’d all ignore me. It happens very quickly. At first they’re like, “Oh, yeah, he’s like a famous guy,” and then it’s like [yawns]. I like that. I go in the other room and suddenly I hear this music going on. And one of the kids, his name was Luke, and he’s doing break dancing.

Swift: Ohhh!

McCartney: He was a really good break dancer, so all the kids are hanging out. That allowed them to be kind of normal with those kids. The other thing is, I don’t live fancy. I really don’t. Sometimes it’s a little bit of an embarrassment, if I’ve got someone coming to visit me, or who I know…

Swift: Cares about that stuff?

McCartney: Who’s got a nice big house, you know. Quincy Jones came to see me and I’m, like, making him a veggie burger or something. I’m doing some cooking. This was after I’d lost Linda, in between there. But the point I’m making is that I’m very consciously thinking, “Oh, God, Quincy’s got to be thinking, ‘What is this guy on? He hasn’t got big things going on. It’s not a fancy house at all. And we’re eating in the kitchen! He’s not even got the dining room going,’” you know?

Swift: I think that sounds like a perfect day.

McCartney: But that’s me. I’m awkward like that. That’s my kind of thing. Maybe I should have, like, a big stately home. Maybe I should get a staff. But I think I couldn’t do that. I’d be so embarrassed. I’d want to walk around dressed as I want to walk around, or naked, if I wanted to.

Swift: That can’t happen in Downton Abbey.

McCartney: [Laughs.] Exactly.

Swift: I remember what I wanted to know about, which is lyrics. Like, when you’re in this kind of strange, unparalleled time, and you’re making this record, are lyrics first? Or is it when you get a little melodic idea?

McCartney: It was a bit of both. As it kind of always is with me. There’s no fixed way. People used to ask me and John, “Well, who does the words, who does the music?” I used to say, “We both do both.” We used to say we don’t have a formula, and we don’t want one. Because the minute we get a formula, we should rip it up. I will sometimes, as I did with a couple of songs on this album, sit down at the piano and just start noodling around, and I’ll get a little idea and start to fill that out. So the lyrics - for me, it’s following a trail. I’ll start [sings “Find My Way,” a song from “McCartney III”]: “I can find my way. I know my left from right, da da da.” And I’ll just sort of fill it in. Like, we know this song, and I’m trying to remember the lyrics. Sometimes I’ll just be inspired by something. I had a little book which was all about the constellations and the stars and the orbits of Venus and...

Swift: Oh, I know that song - “The Kiss of Venus”?

McCartney: Yeah, “The Kiss of Venus.” And I just thought, “That’s a nice phrase.” So I was actually just taking phrases out of the book, harmonic sounds. And the book is talking about the maths of the universe, and how when things orbit around each other, and if you trace all the patterns, it becomes like a lotus flower.

Swift: Wow.

McCartney: It’s very magical.

Swift: That is magical. I definitely relate to needing to find magical things in this very not-magical time, needing to read more books and learn to sew, and watch movies that take place hundreds of years ago. In a time where, if you look at the news, you just want to have a panic attack - I really relate to the idea that you are thinking about stars and constellations.

McCartney: Did you do that on Folklore?

Swift: Yes. I was reading so much more than I ever did, and watching so many more films.

McCartney: What stuff were you reading?

Swift: I was reading, you know, books like Rebecca, by Daphne du Maurier, which I highly recommend, and books that dealt with times past, a world that doesn’t exist anymore. I was also using words I always wanted to use - kind of bigger, flowerier, prettier words, like “epiphany,” in songs. I always thought, “Well, that’ll never track on pop radio,” but when I was making this record, I thought, “What tracks? Nothing makes sense anymore. If there’s chaos everywhere, why don’t I just use the damn word I want to use in the song?”

McCartney: Exactly. So you’d see the word in a book and think, “I love that word”?

Swift: Yeah, I have favorite words, like “elegies” and “epiphany” and “divorcée,” and just words that I think sound beautiful, and I have lists and lists of them.

McCartney: How about “marzipan”?

Swift: Love “marzipan.”

McCartney: The other day, I was remembering when we wrote “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds”: “kaleidoscope.”

Swift: “Kaleidoscope” is one of mine! I have a song on 1989, a song called “Welcome to New York,” that I put the word “kaleidoscope” in just because I’m obsessed with the word.

McCartney: I think a love of words is a great thing, particularly if you’re going to try to write a lyric, and for me, it’s like, “What is this going to say to that person?” I often feel like I’m writing to someone who is not doing so well. So I’m trying to write songs that might help. Not in a goody-goody, crusading kind of way, but just thinking there have been so many times in my life when I’ve heard a song and felt so much better. I think that’s the angle I want, that inspirational thing.

I remember once, a friend of mine from Liverpool, we were teenagers and we were going to a fairground. He was a schoolmate, and we had these jackets that had a little fleck in the material, which was the cool thing at the time.

Swift: We should have done matching jackets for this photo shoot.

McCartney: Find me a fleck, I’m in. But we went to the fair, and I just remember - this is what happens with songs - there was this girl at the fair. This is just a little Liverpool fair - it was in a place called Sefton Park - and there was this girl, who was so beautiful. She wasn’t a star. She was so beautiful. Everyone was following her, and it’s like, “Wow.” It’s like a magical scene, you know? But all this gave me a headache, so I ended up going back to his house - I didn’t normally get headaches. And we thought, “What can we do?” So we put on the Elvis song “All Shook Up.” By the end of that song, my headache had gone. I thought, you know, “That’s powerful.”

Swift: That really is powerful.

McCartney: I love that, when people stop me in the street and say, “Oh, I was going through an illness and I listened to a lot of your stuff, and I’m better now and it got me through,” or kids will say, “It got me through exams.” You know, they’re studying, they’re going crazy, but they put your music on. I’m sure it happens with a lot of your fans. It inspires them, you know?

Swift: Yeah, I definitely think about that as a goal. There’s so much stress everywhere you turn that I kind of wanted to make an album that felt sort of like a hug, or like your favorite sweater that makes you feel like you want to put it on.

McCartney: What, a “cardigan”?

Swift: Like a good cardigan, a good, worn-in cardigan. Or something that makes you reminisce on your childhood. I think sadness can be cozy. It can obviously be traumatic and stressful, too, but I kind of was trying to lean into sadness that feels like somehow enveloping in not such a scary way - like nostalgia and whimsy incorporated into a feeling like you’re not all right. Because I don’t think anybody was really feeling like they were in their prime this year. Isolation can mean escaping into your imagination in a way that’s kind of nice.

McCartney: I think a lot of people have found that. I would say to people, “I feel a bit guilty about saying I’m actually enjoying this quarantine thing,” and people go, “Yeah, I know, don’t say it to anyone.” A lot of people are really suffering.

Swift: Because there’s a lot in life that’s arbitrary. Completely and totally arbitrary. And [the quarantine] is really shining a light on that, and also a lot of things we have that we outsource that you can actually do yourself.

McCartney: I love that. This is why I said I live simply. That’s, like, at the core of it. With so many things, something goes wrong and you go, “Oh, I’ll get somebody to fix that.” And then it’s like, “No, let me have a look at it...”

Swift: Get a hammer and a nail.

McCartney: “Maybe I can put that picture up.” It’s not rocket science. The period after the Beatles, when we went to live in Scotland on a really - talk about dumpy - little farm. I mean, I see pictures of it now and I’m not ashamed, but I’m almost ashamed. Because it’s like, “God, nobody’s cleaned up around here.”

But it was really a relief. Because when I was with the Beatles, we’d formed Apple Records, and if I wanted a Christmas tree, someone would just buy it. And I thought, after a while, “No, you know what? I really would like to go and buy our Christmas tree. Because that’s what everyone does.” So you go down - “I’ll have that one” - and you carried it back. I mean, it’s little, but it’s huge at the same time.

I needed a table in Scotland and I was looking through a catalog and I thought, “I could make one. I did woodwork in school, so I know what a dovetail joint is.” So I just figured it out. I’m just sitting in the kitchen, and I’m whittling away at this wood and I made this little joint. There was no nail technology - it was glue. And I was scared to put it together. I said, “It’s not going to fit,” but one day, I got my woodwork glue and thought, “There’s no going back.” But it turned out to be a real nice little table I was very proud of. It was that sense of achievement.

The weird thing was, Stella went up to Scotland recently and I said, “Isn’t it there?” and she said, “No.” Anyway, I searched for it. Nobody remembered it. Somebody said, “Well, there’s a pile of wood in the corner of one of the barns, maybe that’s it. Maybe they used it for firewood.” I said, “No, it’s not firewood.” Anyway, we found it, and do you know how joyous that was for me? I was like, “You found my table?!” Somebody might say that’s a bit boring.

Swift: No, it’s cool!

McCartney: But it was a real sort of great thing for me to be able to do stuff for yourself. You were talking about sewing. I mean normally, in your position, you’ve got any amount of tailors.

Swift: Well, there’s been a bit of a baby boom recently; several of my friends have gotten pregnant.

McCartney: Oh, yeah, you’re at the age.

Swift: And I was just thinking, “I really want to spend time with my hands, making something for their children.” So I made this really cool flying-squirrel stuffed animal that I sent to one of my friends. I sent a teddy bear to another one, and I started making these little silk baby blankets with embroidery. It’s gotten pretty fancy. And I’ve been painting a lot.

McCartney: What do you paint? Watercolors?

Swift: Acrylic or oil. Whenever I do watercolor, all I paint is flowers. When I have oil, I really like to do landscapes. I always kind of return to painting a lonely little cottage on a hill.

McCartney: It’s a bit of a romantic dream. I agree with you, though, I think you’ve got to have dreams, particularly this year. You’ve got to have something to escape to. When you say “escapism,” it sounds like a dirty word, but this year, it definitely wasn’t. And in the books you’re reading, you’ve gone into that world. That’s, I think, a great thing. Then you come back out. I normally will read a lot before I go to bed. So I’ll come back out, then I’ll go to sleep, so I think it really is nice to have those dreams that can be fantasies or stuff you want to achieve.

Swift: You’re creating characters. This was the first album where I ever created characters, or wrote about the life of a real-life person. There’s a song called “The Last Great American Dynasty” that’s about this real-life heiress who lived just an absolutely chaotic, hectic...

McCartney: She’s a fantasy character?

Swift: She’s a real person. Who lived in the house that I live in.

McCartney: She’s a real person? I listened to that and I thought, “Who is this?”

Swift: Her name was Rebekah Harkness. And she lived in the house that I ended up buying in Rhode Island. That’s how I learned about her. But she was a woman who was very, very talked about, and everything she did was scandalous. I found a connection in that. But I also was thinking about how you write “Eleanor Rigby” and go into that whole story about what all these people in this town are doing and how their lives intersect, and I hadn’t really done that in a very long time with my music. It had always been so microscope personal.

McCartney: Yeah, ’cause you were writing breakup songs like they were going out of style.

Swift: I was, before my luck changed [laughs]. I still write breakup songs. I love a good breakup song. Because somewhere in the world, I always have a friend going through a breakup, and that will make me write one.

McCartney: Yeah, this goes back to this thing of me and John: When you’ve got a formula, break it. I don’t have a formula. It’s the mood I’m in. So I love the idea of writing a character. And, you know, trying to think, “What am I basing this on?” So “Eleanor Rigby” was based on old ladies I knew as a kid. For some reason or other, I got great relationships with a couple of local old ladies. I was thinking the other day, I don’t know how I met them, it wasn’t like they were family. I’d just run into them, and I’d do their shopping for them.

Swift: That’s amazing.

McCartney: It just felt good to me. I would sit and talk, and they’d have amazing stories. That’s what I liked. They would have stories from the wartime - because I was born actually in the war - and so these old ladies, they were participating in the war. This one lady I used to sort of just hang out with, she had a crystal radio that I found very magical. In the war, a lot of people made their own radios - you’d make them out of crystals [sings “The Twilight Zone” theme].

Swift: How did I not know this? That sounds like something I would have tried to learn about.

McCartney: It’s interesting, because there is a lot of parallels with the virus and lockdowns and wartime. It happened to everyone. Like, this isn’t HIV, or SARS, or Avian flu, which happened to others, generally. This has happened to everyone, all around the world. That’s the defining thing about this particular virus. And, you know, my parents... it happened to everyone in Britain, including the queen and Churchill. War happened. So they were all part of this thing, and they all had to figure out a way through it. So you figured out Folklore. I figured out McCartney III.

Swift: And a lot of people have been baking sourdough bread. Whatever gets you through!

McCartney: Some people used to make radios. And they’d take a crystal - we should look it up, but it actually is a crystal. I thought, “Oh, no, they just called it a crystal radio,” but it’s actually crystals like we know and love.

Swift: Wow.

McCartney: And somehow they get the radio waves - this crystal attracts them - they tune it in, and that’s how they used to get their news. Back to “Eleanor Rigby,” so I would think of her and think of what she’s doing and then just try to get lyrical, just try to bring poetry into it, words you love, just try to get images like “picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been,” and Father McKenzie “is darning his socks in the night.” You know, he’s a religious man, so I could’ve said, you know, “preparing his Bible,” which would have been more obvious. But “darning his socks” kind of says more about him. So you get into this lovely fantasy. And that’s the magic of songs, you know. It’s a black hole, and then you start doing this process, and then there’s this beautiful little flower that you’ve just made. So it is very like embroidery, making something.

Swift: Making a table.

McCartney: Making a table.

Swift: Wow, it would’ve been so fun to play Glastonbury for the 50th anniversary together.

McCartney: It would’ve been great, wouldn’t it? And I was going to be asking you to play with me.

Swift: Were you going to invite me? I was hoping that you would. I was going to ask you.

McCartney: I would’ve done “Shake It Off.”

Swift: Oh, my God, that would have been amazing.

McCartney: I know it, it’s in C!

Swift: One thing I just find so cool about you is that you really do seem to have the joy of it, still, just no matter what. You seem to have the purest sense of joy of playing an instrument and making music, and that’s just the best, I think.

McCartney: Well, we’re just so lucky, aren’t we?

Swift: We’re really lucky.

McCartney: I don’t know if it ever happens to you, but with me, it’s like, “Oh, my god, I’ve ended up as a musician.”

Swift: Yeah, I can’t believe it’s my job.

McCartney: I must tell you a story I told Mary the other day, which is just one of my favorite little sort of Beatles stories. We were in a terrible, big blizzard, going from London to Liverpool, which we always did. We’d be working in London and then drive back in the van, just the four of us with our roadie, who would be driving. And this was a blizzard. You couldn’t see the road. At one point, it slid off and it went down an embankment. So it was “Ahhh,” a bunch of yelling. We ended up at the bottom. It didn’t flip, luckily, but so there we are, and then it’s like, “Oh, how are we going to get back up? We’re in a van. It’s snowing, and there’s no way.” We’re all standing around in a little circle, and thinking, “What are we going to do?” And one of us said, “Well, something will happen.” And I thought that was just the greatest. I love that, that’s a philosophy.

Swift: “Something will happen.”

McCartney: And it did. We sort of went up the bank, we thumbed a lift, we got the lorry driver to take us, and Mal, our roadie, sorted the van and everything. So that was kind of our career. And I suppose that’s like how I ended up being a musician and a songwriter: “Something will happen.”

Swift: That’s the best.

McCartney: It’s so stupid it’s brilliant. It’s great if you’re ever in that sort of panic attack: “Oh, my God,” or, “Ahhh, what am I going to do?”

Swift: “Something will happen.”

McCartney: All right then, thanks for doing this, and this was, you know, a lot of fun.

Swift: You’re the best. This was so awesome. Those were some quality stories!

[effielumiere]

The Companion 4.5

Pairing: Park Jimin x Reader

Genre: Romance, Idol AU, Drama, Comedy (hopefully lol)

Summary: A year after all their world tour was cancelled with the announcement of the pandemic, Jimin goes through a roller coaster of emotions and he can barely his emotions and he's trying so hard to stay happy. Namjoon and Jin suggested to get a puppy when they got drunk but Joon thought a human companion sounded funny to his drunken brain, not knowing that Jimin took his word seriously. When he finally finds the one who's going to be his human emotional companion, he wonders if she's up for it? And most importantly, he wonders how things would play out with him being Park Jimin and her being... well, a fan... an ARMY to be precise.

Warning(s): Sentences in italics are English words translated to Korean (that sounded confusing but I said what I said). UNEDITED!

Word count: 2k

A/N: This one is gonna be a bit short because Jimin's parts are almost in line with Y/n's, and once that happens y'all are gonna be reading from the third person POV. I won't make this series too long we're already 8 chapters in with the prologue included.

Please don't forget to like, reblog and comment on what you think about this below. The reactions I get motivate me, even the tiniest compliments teehee. My ask box is open in case y'all wanna ask stuff or if something in the story is confusing you🙂 ask awayyy

The taglist for this series is open, same goes for my permanent taglist just reply on the masterlist (The Companion) / Permanent taglist (link!) if you wanna be added. 💜Enjoy this chapter

And in honor of Yoongi Month, please check out my latest story called Girl of my dreams. Yes, it's a Min Yoongi / SUGA story, Click here or go to my profile to see my main masterlist. Thank you babes xoxo.

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March 2021

While we had a lot of fun and were excited of what the outcome was gonna be for our preparations for Butter and Permission to Dance, I had quite a bit more on my plate as I enter Bang PD-nim's office with the other members and our managers, on the seat next to him was the new CEO. I knew- we knew what the conversation was going to be about but I still didn't know how to act and was starting to get cold feet about the idea but Namjoon hyung kept reassuring me... they all did. They would tell me that it was all going to be okay and I'll know how to act when she arrives. That's if she says yes. That right, we still haven't tried to contact her and that was why we were called to the office right after rehersal.

"We thought about emailing her using Weverse and it's going to straight up look like a job vacancy," Bang PD started "With the situation going on; the pandemic, getting a job is not that easy especially since social distancing is implemented on work spaces an example is here at the office, most people are working from home everywhere. So, getting a job offer to fly to another country is a bit of a stretch especially since vaccines aren't fully out yet. There's a way could make her come where, but we have a time strain,"

"What's that?" Namjoon asks

"Jimin has to visit a licensed therapist to get a recommendation letter of some sorts that he really does need an emotional companion," Jin reads out the paper handed to him by the CEO, "Is it gonna take long for him to be able to get a letter?" he asks

"Not really," Bang PD says as he sits on the couch next to me "But he has to be consistently present during the session,"

I smile as I look up at them "I've been going to a therapist," I say quietly and they all look at me as if I grew two more heads.

"What?" Yoongi asks "Since when?"

"A month or so after Namjoon hyung came up with the idea," I tell them as I play with the sleeve of my sweater "I thought that maybe something like this would be requested if our reason for hiring her was to be an emotional companion so I immediately went to a therapist and have been going to her every Sunday since."

"JImin-ah," Hobi says chuckling "Smart move, man! You saved a lot of time!"

"Does it help though? Going to therapy?" Jin asks

"Not entirely," I say honestly "I don't entirely feel comfortable especially when I know that my therapist has spoken to other patients with the same issue since the pandemic and my story is just another broken record for her to endure. I sometimes feel like she doesn't make sense too,"

"All the better reason to get an emotional companion" Jungkook mutters smiling.

"If others are able to get here, then she would too," Yoongi points out "Would she have the twelve to fourteen day quarantine?"

"For her, since it's going to be for medical reasons," Bang PD looks at him "I don't think they'll delay her."

"Good," Taehyung states "So, when will the staff contact her?"

"Tonight," Bang PD, the managers and the CEO say together.

"Tonight?" Namjoon asks "That fast?"

"Yeah," my manager nods as he hands the letter that Jin hyung was reading to Namjoon and I "We're just waiting for your signal, Jimin-ah. Just say the word and we'll email it to her."

I read the letter twice, thrice. Biting my lip out of nervousness, I pass the letter to Taehyung and hold my head in my hands as I try to calm myself down and ignore the thoughts that kept telling me to stop doubting what I'm doing. It was already Spring, she would be here right before we film Butter if we got lucky and she says yes.

"What are the steps that will happen if she says yes or no?" I ask in a small voice, not wanting to think about what will happen if she says no.

"Let's start with 'No'," my manager says "if she says no, then it's simple. You find someone else, probably a local, and I'm sorry to be harsh on you, Jimin-ah. But you'll have to forget about her." I look down, disappointed and sad at the idea of not being able to be with Y/n after month of waiting for her. I was about to get another panic attack when Jin hyung spoke "What about if she says 'yes'?"

"IF she says yes, then on the first meeting we'll have Namjoon explain to her what the job really is, because it will say Executive Assistant which just translates close to Personal Assistant. And it is for a personal and a medical reason why she being hired as an emotional companion for Park Jimin," he states "But, we're not going to immediately reveal that it's Jimin she's working for. We need to see first what her reaction is going to be. Privacy reasons" he shrugs and we all nod in understanding.

"So, Jimin-ssi?" the CEO asks "When do we send the email?"

I look at the other members in question if they were sure about what I was about to do and in turn they all nod as if to tell what they've been repeatedly telling me for the past few months 'It's okay, go ahead'. I look at Bang PD and my manager who smile at me through their masks, another reassuring gesture. I look back at the new CEO and nod my head, "Tonight, please" I added making him chuckle and he motions to Sejin-nim who gives him a thumbs up.

"And now we wait?" I ask Namjoon hyung and he nods "And now we wait. Mini wait."

That evening...

"Jimin-ah!" Namjoon yells as he walks towards the living room of the door where we were all sitting and watching a movie. Well, they were watching. I was lost in my thoughts staring at the floor tired after we hurriedly moved all of the furniture I assembled from Jungkook's house to my apartment earlier after our meeting.

"We're here" I call out to him and he walks in hurriedly taking of his face mask, revealing his very wide grin.

"W-what? What?" Hobi asks "What's up?"

"Congratulations, my brother," he smiles at me "She said yes,"

Everything around me seemed to be in slow motion as the other members cheer and start hugging me, congratulating me and I stare at Namjoon in disbelief as he hugs me last. I thank them and hug them back tightly, tears threatning to fall from my eyes. If others were to watch us, they'd probably think we either won the lottery or the Olympics.

April 2021

It has been 2 weeks since we sent her the email and today was the first time I was going to see and hear her but she doesn't know I'm in the room behind the laptop and camera that was pointed at Namjoon. I rub the palm of my hands on my joggers as I wait for Namjoon hyung who was setting up his camera. The laptop on front of me had its built in webcam covered so I wouldn't be accidentally seen by Y/n.

"You ready?" Namjoon asks and I nod, raising my feet up to where I was sitting to hug my legs as a way of comforting myself.

Namjoon hyung dials her and it doesn't take long for the ringing ro stop.

"Oh, hey Namjoon," her happy voice rings through out the room.

Jungkook who was sitting right next to me nudged my arm with his elbow "It's your girl," he whispers smiling and I smile back.

"Hey Y/n," Namjoon greets her back "How did your week go?"

"It went pretty well, just a lot of information overload with the lessons" she chuckles nervously "Good thing that the lessons touch up more on verbal than written. Aside from my handwriting looking like chicken shit, my spelling is horrible."

"What makes you say it looks like chicken shit?" Namjoon grins

"An batchmate of mine from college says so, she's half Korean and she's kinda helping me with learning and all"

Namjoon nods chuckling "At least you've got someone to help you out, it makes things a little easier as long as she doesn't know who you're gonna be associated with here at Hybe"

"Well, I don't even know who my boss is," she chuckles nervously "I only know you, Jungkook and Taehyung, and the dogs"

I raise my eyebrow at Namjoon in question, I wasn't frequently updated of every detail that happened during

the meetings which was why I can't help but feel a bit of jealousy knowing she's spent more time with them and got to know them earlier than I did. I cross my arms and lightly rub my nose in annoyance and look down as I listen to them talk. Jungkook nudges my arm again as if to tell me to pay attention, but all I did was look between the two of them and muttered to Jungkook "I'll be at home, I'm tired," as I got up and left the room quietly, feeling Namjoon and Jungkook's gazes on my back.

Sitting inside the company car as they drive me home, I thought about getting a planner to write down places I want to visit with her, food I want introduce to her, the arts and culture, places I wanted to take her to dance. And as I watch the streetlights that passed by, I wondered if she would like to go to the countryside with me over on a weekend where we could stargaze and wish on the night sky, and fall asleep blanketed by the stars above us.

April 2021

I stand in front of the door to my apartment unlocking it with Namjoon behind me. The security team told me that she arrived a few days prior and that we could go ahead and visit her at my apartment where she was staying at. Swinging the door open, I let Namjoon hyung enter first and he immediately greets her, and when I look up from my spot behind the door after I took off my shoes, I felt my heart skip a few beats. She was standing in the middle of the room with her hair down, white shirt under her dark blue cardigan and jeans. As Namjoon hyung explained everything that was in the backpack I was carrying earlier, I received a phone call from our manager and had to excuse myself.

"Did you just enter the apartment with her in there, alone?"

"No," I answer quietly "I'm with Namjoon hyung, he's explaining the contract to her. How did you know where I was?"

"Security team followed you, probably didn't see Namjoon-ssi with you," he replies

"We'll be back at the dorm within an hour," I reassure him before I hung up, "Don't worry,"

And true to my word we left within an hour, and went back to the dorm. That evening, right before I went to bed I pulled out my two-year planner from my bedside table and highlighted on the things that were done today.

"Are you sure about telling her?" Hobi hyung asked me as he laid on his bed which was on the other side of the room, a moisturizing face mask plastered on his face, his phone on his lap as he looked between me and the planner in my hands. I bought a binder enough to fit 2 one year planners, "I have to, hyung,"

"So, if she asks you the very moment you spend time with her alone" he inquires "you are immediately going to tell her thwo whole truth?"

"Not right away, no," I tell him eyes widening at the idea "She'll run away if I do, she might even think I'm crazy or a lunatic if I tell her,"

"Well," he started "It does sound crazy, when you think about it. But it will make sense at some point."

"It makes sense to us," I sighed "It might not make sense to her, I'll just have to wait until the right moment."

Flipping through the pages, I land on the month of February 2022 where I planned on telling her how I found her and the real truth on why she was here that the other members, our managers, the CEO of Hybe and Bang PD knew about. The real truth on why out of all the people I could find on that app, I chose her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Once again, please don't forget to like, reblog and comment on what you think about this below. Your reactions on this story really keep me motivated🙂

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[charlie-rulerofhell]

For they know exactly what they do

Today there was a pretty long article published in the German newspaper FAZ, written by Julia Schaaf. Since there were quite a few interesting topics raised in it and Måneskin talked about some new aspects (or in more detail), I translated the whole thing (it might also have helped me to procrastinate).

Full interview in English under the cut.

For they know exactly what they do

June 22, 2021

Four young rock musicians from Rome are today's hottest band. Måneskin are enchanting Europe. Why? We met them for an interview.

Every romance needs its founding myth, an anecdote from the beginning, something you can tell later in more difficult times for self-assurance.

In the case of the band Måneskin, who first had Italy and now half of Europe wrapped around their fingers, and who are now trying to conquer the rest of the world with their rock music, there is the story of the shoe box. Rome, around five years ago: Four teenagers who are meeting every day after school in their rehearsal room to make music together, and sometimes they play their songs on the Via del Corso in the city centre in front of a changing audience. One day they want to record their own stuff. They find a studio that they can actually afford and as they go there they bring a shoe box, with the name of the band written on it, 'moonshine' in Danish, the bassist's mother is Danish. In the box: around seven kilogram of coins. The things you get from playing music on the streets. Everyone searching through Instagram for photos from that time can find four hippies with children's faces, three boys in batik, the girl is wearing a straw hat.

As they have to pay [for the recording], frontman Damiano David, 22, says that there was this guy, Angelo, and his bandmate Victoria De Angelis, 21, is interrupting: “No, Andrea, not Angelo”, and all of them have to laugh because a rigid studio manager with the Italian name 'angel' would be even funnier for a founding myth. David continues his story: “The guy was completely dumbfounded. 'We can't do that.' We went: 'Sure we can, that's worth the same even if it's just 20 cent coins, it's still 300 euros.” Thomas Raggi, 20, the guitarist of the band, is gasping for air as he laughs, while drummer Ethan Torchio, 20, is smiling dreamily. David finishes: “And then we snuck off before he was able to count it.” [the German text says 'verdrücken' here which is just a colloquial way of saying 'we left', but it entails some sort of a dramatic exit, so yeah, let your thoughts get creative how they left exactly :D].

Four young musicians on the verge of global fame are sitting on a white interview sofa in Berlin, completely styled, babbling across each other like overeager teenagers.

Ever since the Roman band first won the music festival Sanremo and then also the Eurovision Song Contest, carried by the enthusiasm of European viewers, you could say Måneskin has become a phenomenon. “Rock 'n' Roll never dies!”, Damiano David yelled fueled by the adrenaline of winning, and the insinuation that circulated on social media of the singer snorting during the counting of votes in front of a live camera – including their strict denial followed by a negative drug test result – might have given an additional boost to their public interest, their exploding album, ticket and merch sales, and their outstanding success on Spotify.

“We think it's a shit prejudice against rock music that there always have to be drugs involved. We fully threw ourselves into our participation with the utmost professionalism. We give everything for the music. So of course we don't want people to think that we can only do that because we take drugs.” – Victoria De Angelis

Prior to Eurovision, Måneskin was more of an insider's tip outside of Italy. Handmade rock music, not creating something entirely new but paying homage to the good old times with classic guitar riffs and cracking drum beats, being a lot of fun but also quite fragile and vulnerable at times and, first and foremost, conveying a captivating energy. Finally, on the stage of Rotterdam, live after so many months of isolation and renunciation, this wave of energy spilled straight over into European living rooms. It seemed easy to (mistakenly) interpret the winning song “Zitti e buoni” (Shut up and behave) as a declaration of frustration of our youth in times of a pandemic. In fact, singer Damiano David is singing about the favourite topic of the band: the unrelenting need to, against all odds, be yourself, despite or perhaps because you are different. The message fits their provocative sex appeal, which the band uses to demonstrate their independence of gender norms at any given time. But the core essence of rock music has always been the promise of unlimited freedom.

Thus at the first moment, the meeting with Måneskin is kind of startling. It's Wednesday, we are in the top floor of the new Sony head quarters in Berlin. The four Italians have just started their two-week long promotion tour through Europe. In the afternoon there will be a live concert in a queer club [the SchwuZ, but that's not mentioned here] in Neukölln, which will be streamed via TikTok. Around one million viewers will watch the show, some of them even from Brazil, so people at Sony are pretty excited [for Måneskin to come here]. But at first, these stunningly gorgeous creatures [yes, that's the exact wording :D] are standing surrounded by an entourage of people – their management, PR team, a stylist, a photographer, people who can hold a smartphone or a cigarette if needed [this paragraph is worded a little weirdly, especially taking into account that basically their whole team / 'entourage' is just friends of them, but it seems like the journalist didn't know that or maybe they just wanted to describe their first impression]. They seem like fictional / artificial characters out of a Hollywood movie. Transparent frill blouses with blazers and flared leather trousers, even the platform boots, everything brand-new, the makeup makes their faces look like a glossy magazine cover even in person. The smokey eyes of De Angelis and Raggi make them look smug and bored. Later, on the pictures it will probably look cool.

So of course your first impression might be: This band is under contract to industry giant Sony ever since their success on an Italian casting show [X Factor] in Winter 2017. The music industry must have its hand in the game when a band is photographed half-naked by Oliviero Toscani and styled by Etro. Also, one does not simply rent a villa with a pool in Rome to produce new music there, isolated from the rest of the world. And who else went to London for two whole months, shortly before the winter lockdown, just for inspiration? After the TikTok concert in Berlin – De Angelis and David are now wearing fishnet shirts that sparkle with every move, their bare nipples covered with an X of black tape – the band is posing with a few influencers. In the world of social media you would call that 'producing content'. But what does that mean for a band who are preaching their hosanna of authenticity? How authentic is Måneskin? And is their pointedly casual approach to sexuality and gender cliches in today's pop-cultural spirit more than a marketing strategy?

We're in the interview, the recording device is running for not even five minutes, when Victoria De Angelis says: “Actually, we just try to be ourselves and do what we really want to do.” And really: The more you listen to those four how they speak about the early days of the band in their slurred Roman dialect, about the shoe box and their own experiences with being different, but most importantly about their shared obsession [with music], the more you realise that [De Angelis] is  very serious. Ethan Torchio, who got his first drum kit at the age of six or seven from his father because he was beating everything he could reach, says: “For me, music is like food. I cannot live without it.” The bassist next to him laughs at his pathos. Singer Damiano David applauds the otherwise more reserved friend for his truthfulness [it says 'klarer Punkt', meaning 'for the point he makes', but it makes it seem like Damiano is agreeing with Ethan here, although it doesn't indicate whether he agrees that yes, music is everything for Ethan or that he understands and feels the same].

De Angelis and guitarist Raggi already knew each other from middle school and they were the ones who tried to form a band at the age of only 13, a band that actually took music seriously.

De Angelis: “It's just difficult at that age to find other people who really put everything into music and who truly commit themselves and are willing to invest a lot of their time.”

Raggi: “We set strict rules and scheduled fixed times for the rehearsals, for every day.”

David: “Fever, stomach ache, there was no excuse. Even if you were feeling sick in the rehearsal room. At least you were in the rehearsal room.”

The way the four of them talk across each other, completing each other's sentences, taking turns in talking and sometimes joking about each other, seems intimate and playful. Singer David remembers how at first bassist [De Angelis] was merciless towards him when it came to her first metal band project, as she told him that he wasn't committed enough [to the music]: “Back then I was still playing Basketball. I was one of the people that Vic absolutely didn't want [in her band].” Drummer Torchio was later discovered through Facebook, even though there had already been a drummer, a close friend, but he was not good enough. It seems as if even back then music was everything for them. Even if it meant that only Raggi managed to graduate.

And why rock, why rock music of all things? Because it's great, the four of them say in unison. David adds: “Actually, it's a genre that allows you to do everything you want to do.”

When they played on the street, they were laughed at by their classmates. But not only there. De Angelis explains that she never wanted to be a typical girl: “I was always deterred by those stupid boxes that people put you in, and that are just restricting and constraining you, because something is only regarded as male or female. I always rejected that. Instead, I just wanted to do the things I enjoyed doing, I went skating and played football.” Torchio says: “Friends who are not friends anymore were already telling me at the age of ten that those“ – he grabs his long, silky black hair – “were wrong. Because I'm a boy and boys are meant to have short hair, long hair is only for girls. I was bullied a lot for that.”

“Compared to the past, people in our age became much more open-minded. It gets better.” – Thomas Raggi

Frontman David on the other hand, for whom eye shadow, jingling earrings and nail polish as well as his bare torso with the tattoos have become trademarks by now, says: “I was actually more of the average boy.” De Angelis convinced him to try out some eyeliner, which he describes as a spiritual awakening: “I liked myself much more [with makeup]. I saw myself more as myself. As if it had been a suppressed desire of mine.” On a trip to Copenhagen with the others, when he realised that it really didn't matter what people were thinking about him, he got his first fake fur [coat? the article doesn't specify that] in a second-hand shop and let his clothing style be guided by his own love to experiment: “I realised that my whole life I was just going at half speed.” When it comes to diversity all four of them are becoming almost missionary.

At the same time, their success is not only opening doors for them. Back home in Rome they are barely able to go out on the street due to all the paparazzi. “[You need a] hoodie and huge sunglasses”, David says, “the mask is quite helpful, too.” And still, none of them is complaining, and Torchio explains why: “Even if those experiences right now may have sides that are not so pleasant, we still know that for us a dream is coming true. We experience something that we always had in our minds, so we are willing to face every consequence that this entails.”

So is the band facing difficult times, is Måneskin going to change with all the success? Again, all of them answer at the same time.

David: “I'm not worried about that.”

Raggi: “No way!”

De Angelis: “On the contrary. Everything that happened to us happened because we are who we are, so we want to continue the exact same way and stay ourselves.”

Just a few hours later, they are at the stage in Neukölln, bouncing around like pinballs, hammering at their instruments, flirting with each other. “We are out of our minds, but different from the others”, David sings their winning hymn against conformism, and: “The people talk, unfortunately they talk.” Here on stage, the four paradise birds [a German word describing someone with a flamboyant personality] with their half-nude-glittering outfits are radiating an incredible energy with the utmost sincerity, and you begin to wish there was a live audience instead of the TikTok cameras, absorbing and spreading this energy. Måneskin. A cry for a life after the pandemic, a cry for freedom and a better world.

“We do what we wished for all our lives.” – Ethan Torchio

[nerdzzone]

-More Hearts Than Mine-

Summary: Raising a child is hard. Raising a child with one of Hollywood’s biggest stars is even harder. And raising a child with one of Hollywood’s biggest stars who you’re not actually in a relationship with is even harder still.

Especially when a global pandemic is sweeping the world.

With lockdowns and stay at home orders looming on the horizon, the uncertainty of their situation becomes almost too much for Whitney Taylor to handle. Chris suggests that they quarantine together to avoid any potential separations but, given what happened the last time they spent more than a few brief moments in each other’s company, that could cause more problems than it solves…

Chris Evans x OFC

Sequel to: Once Bitten - Twice Shy

Note: Again, just a reminder that all the information I have about covid restrictions in Massachusetts is from google, not first hand experience, so if something seems wrong please just go with it.

Part Three

______

Part Four

If avoiding difficult conversations was an Olympic sport then it's pretty safe to say that I would have earned myself a gold medal by the end of the following week. It wasn't all that hard to do though as the exhaustion from parenting during a pandemic was hitting us both. Especially because the weather for the first couple of weeks of April was abysmal. It was cold, stormy and raining almost every day and we were all getting quite stir crazy from being inside constantly - especially our lively and spirited child.

So, it was a massive relief when the sun finally came out.

It was also a relief that it lined up with Grayson's third birthday.

He was going to have a very different birthday than previous years - as most people would over the next few months - but we wanted him to have fun and he was quickly tiring of all the indoor activities that we could come up with.

We set the living room up the night before after he'd gone to bed, putting up a birthday banner with several clusters of balloons, and there was quite the mountain of presents in the corner as most of our family members had sent their gifts in advance. I had hoped to wake up before him, but when I woke up to excited cheers and Dodger barking from downstairs, I knew I was too late. A quick glance at my phone told me that it was only six thirty, but clearly the excitement had gotten him up earlier than normal.

"Whoa, Dodger, Grayson, shhhh," I heard Chris warn the pair of them, his voice still raspy from sleep. "You'll wake up the whole neighbourhood."

I smiled and quickly climbed out of bed. Chris wouldn't let him open any presents without me, I knew that, but I didn't want to keep him waiting for too long.

When I got downstairs, a very excited Grayson was bouncing on the couch as Chris sat next to him, watching him closely with a smile on his face.

"Happy birthday!" I cheered, catching his attention.

He sprang off the couch and bolted towards me.

"Thanks, Mama," He shouted, throwing his arms around my legs and looking up at me. "I'm three!"

"You are!" I smiled as I knelt down in front of him and pulled him into a hug. "You're such a big boy now."

He let me squeeze him for another moment or two before wiggling free.

"Can I open presents?"

Chris laughed at his clear priorities, shaking his head as I stood up.

"Let's just wait for Uncle Scott," he suggested before glancing up at me. "He's putting the coffee on."

"Very smart," I nodded. "I think we're all going to need plenty of that today."

Grayson proved my point by grabbing at his balloons and waving them frantically, setting Dodger off barking again.

"Dodge!" Chris scolded. "It's just a balloon, buddy. Chill."

The poor overwhelmed dog hung his head and came over to me for some sympathy. I happily obliged, cooing some comforting words and rubbing his back.

"Gray, leave the balloons, okay?" I requested. "I don't think Dodger likes them."

Grayson frowned, but instantly let go of the balloon in his hand.

"Sorry, Dodger."

"It sounds like we have quite the party in here already," Scott commented as he sauntered into the room. "Shall we see what's in some of these boxes?"

"Yes! Yes!" Grayson cheered, running over to the presents. "What first?"

"Whatever you want," I told him, smiling as I went to sit on the couch next to Chris. "Do you need some help?"

"No, I can do it!" He insisted, making a bee line for the biggest box and quickly ripping the paper off.

We watched as he opened gift after gift, an ear to ear grin on his face the whole time. Just as he was at Christmas, he was incredibly grateful for every present from the Paw Patrol Lookout Tower that was almost as tall as he was to the dinosaur books that were more educational than flashy and fun.

But there was one gift at the bottom of the pile that Chris wasn't particularly impressed by. The one that my brother had sent.

Grayson opened it, pulling out a t-shirt first.

"What does it say?" He asked, holding up the shirt towards us.

Chris' jaw dropped as I stifled my giggles and Scott burst out laughing.

"It says 'Team Iron Man'," I read. "Remember how Uncle Rob was in a movie with Daddy where they had a big fight? Iron Man was Uncle Rob's character and I think Uncle Jack wants you to be on that team."

"Oh," Grayson smiled. "Okay!"

"Okay?!" Chris protested. "You don't want to be on my team?"

Grayson shrugged as he pulled something else out of the box from my brother.

"Look!" He shouted, his excitement clear as he held up a very fancy electronic Iron Man helmet. "I love it!"

I wasn't even sure that he knew what it was as he hadn't seen any of the movies yet, but his enthusiasm compared to Chris' displeasure was killing Scott and I.

"Oh, it's such a shame that your brother wasted his money," Chris said, his words dripping with sarcasm as he had a forced look of pity on his face. "Those things are expensive and Grayson is never going to wear it."

"I'll wear it!"

Grayson's insistence was followed by him putting the helmet on his head and another howl of laughter came from Scott as a look of betrayal crossed Chris' face.

"Your brother is a jerk."

His words were quiet so Grayson wouldn't hear and I smiled.

"What can I say?" I shrugged. "We're an Iron Man family..."

Chris shot me a glare, but turned his attention back to Gray.

"Well, if you don't want to be on my team then I guess I'll just have to find someone else to have the last present that I got for you..."

Chris was teasing, but Grayson whipped off the helmet faster than we could blink. He looked around, a puzzled expression on his face when he couldn't see anymore boxes on the floor and I shared his confusion as I wasn't aware of anymore gifts either. But the Evans brothers exchanged a knowing glance and I knew they were up to something.

"Maybe Miles would like it," Scott suggested. "He loves Captain America."

"Me too!" Grayson insisted, tossing the helmet aside as if it hadn't been his new prized possession moments ago. "He's my favourite!"

"Oh, is he now?" Chris laughed. "Doesn't take much to make you change your mind, does it?"

Grayson shook his head, oblivious to the fact that he was being teased, but Chris didn't torture him for too long.

"Alright, do you want to see what it is?"

"Yes, I do!"

Grayson leapt up, bouncing up and down with excitement, making Chris laugh as he stood up from the couch.

"C'mon then," he told Grayson, nodding his head towards the door. "It's this way."

Grayson scurried after his dad and I followed, my own curiosity piqued as well.

"What is it?" I asked Scott, but he just shot me a smirk.

"You'll see in a second."

I narrowed my eyes at his secrets and paused at the front door where Chris was waiting for us, his hand on the door knob as Grayson practically vibrated with excitement.

"Okay, close your eyes," Chris instructed. "No peeking!"

"I won't, I won't!"

Grayson covered his eyes as an extra assurance and Chris' grin widened even more as he swung open the door. I put my hands on Grayson's shoulders and guided him through it, seeing a shiny blue bike with a big bow on the handlebars. I felt a flash of worry at all the potential ways for Grayson to get hurt riding it, but there was no time to dwell on that as Chris told him to open his eyes and he gasped with excitement.

"A bike!" He squealed with joy, leaping off the doorstep and running towards it.

He circled it for a moment as if he was really trying to take it all in while I looked up at Chris.

"There better be a helmet with this present," I warned him. "I'm already imagining broken bones and missing teeth."

"He'll be fine," Chris assured me with a chuckle. "It has training wheels, but of course I got him a helmet."

I opened my mouth, ready to share some more potential disasters that could come from this - because even with training wheels he could still fall off or lose control and crash into a tree - but Grayson cut me off.

"Help me, Daddy! Help me!"

He was trying to climb onto the seat, but as I took in the sight of him barefoot in his pyjamas standing in the driveway, I stopped Chris as he moved towards him.

"Wait, why don't we have breakfast first?" I suggested. "We have all day to play on your bike, but you're not dressed or even wearing shoes..."

Grayson's face fell and I felt bad being the mean parent, but Chris nodded in agreement.

"Your Ma's right, Gray," he told him. "Let's go get ready and then we can come right back outside, okay?"

Grayson looked sulky, but reluctantly agreed as he walked back over to us.

"Hey now," Scott said, catching his attention. "No pouting on your birthday! We've got some chocolate chip pancakes to make! Unless that sad face means you don't want them anymore?"

His previous smile slid instantly back onto his face at the promise of such a sugary breakfast and the pep returned to his step as he grabbed Scott's hand before dragging him into the house.

-

I had no evidence to prove my theory, but by the time breakfast was over, I was almost certain that it would have been more relaxing to be in the middle of a hurricane. There was pancake batter all over the room and we practically had to pin Grayson to his chair to stop him from sprinting around the room with food in his mouth. It was a miracle that he got through the meal without choking.

It was impossible to be mad though when he was having such a good time. He'd had so much to adjust to lately, seeing him happy on his birthday was all that I wanted and I was willing to put up with a little more chaos than normal if it made that happen. Within reason, of course. I did stop him when he suggested that we put the entire bag of chocolate chips in the pancake batter and I did make him help me clean them up when he dumped them on the floor in protest of my ridiculous restrictions.

Once the breakfast circus was over, Chris whisked him off to get him ready to play outside while I helped Scott clean up the kitchen before going upstairs to shower and get ready myself.

When I came back down almost an hour later, I felt considerably less frazzled, but the sound of excited squeals and giggles echoing from outside told me the energy levels hadn't died down much. It really was a relief that he was having such a nice day though so I braced myself for more chaos and headed out to find them.

The sight that greeted me melted my heart completely.

Chris was running backwards across the driveway as Grayson rode towards him. He shouted encouragement the entire time, reminding him to keep pedaling and to look where he was going and cheering as Grayson rode past him before turning around and circling back.

"Look, Mama!" He shouted to me as he spotted me by the door. "I'm doing it!"

"You are, baby!" I smiled. "Good job!"

I sat on the doorstep and watched him ride in circles, proud of how fast he'd figured it out, but after a few moments, my attention turned to Chris.

There were few times since I'd known him when I'd seen him look as happy as he did in that moment. When Grayson was born, when he took his first steps and when he first said 'Dada' were probably the only comparable moments I could think of. He looked absolutely gleeful as he chased after Grayson, laughing as he passed him before dodging a different way and waiting for Gray to catch up before bolting off again. The sound of their giggles and shouts filled my heart so much that it genuinely felt like it was about to burst out of my chest and a feeling of contentedness hit me so hard that it almost knocked over.

It was a feeling that told me that they were all I ever needed. Those two boys, making each other dizzy as they ran in circles. Their happiness and love was all I could ever hope to have and moments like these were all I ever wanted to see. I wanted us to spend every weekend soaking in this kind of joy. I didn't want to fight and argue and transport Grayson back and forth every other week. I wanted to give Grayson what he deserved, I wanted us to be a family.

But as fast as that clarity hit me, the knots in my stomach were there to remind me that it wasn't just about what I wanted. It wasn't about what would bring us the most moments of delight, it was about what would provide Grayson with the most stability and being a family might do more harm to that goal than good.

It was a constant battle between my heart and my head, but I was starting to realize that my head was losing. I was clinging to my resistance with all I had, but it was slipping away. I knew I needed to talk to Chris, to sort out the fog in my brain, but for the time being, I pushed it out of my mind. This was Grayson's day and we didn't have time for anymore heart-wrenching conversations.

I was snapped out of my thoughts as Scott appeared from the side of the house on roller blades and the unexpected sight pulled a laugh from my lips as he sailed past Chris and Grayson and headed down the driveway.

"Gray, follow me!"

Gray nodded, frantically pedaling to catch up with his uncle as they sped off down the long drive. Chris watched them for a minute before jogging over to me.

"He got it so fast," he puffed as he fought to catch his breath. "He's a natural."

"The training wheels help," I pointed out, shielding my eyes from the sun as I looked up at him. "But it's fine because he'll be keeping those on until he's at least eighteen."

Chris barked out a laugh, shaking his head.

"No way," he smirked. "We'll have them off by next week."

"Not a chance. I need at least six months to get used to that idea."

"How about we meet in the middle and aim for three?"

"Hmm, maybe," I bit back a smile. "We'll have to see how many injuries he gets with the training wheels on first."

"He'll be fine. He's a champ," Chris grinned proudly. "We've got a pretty great kid."

"We do," I patted the step next to me as I made room for Chris to sit down. "I can't believe he's already three."

Chris accepted my silent invitation and sat down next to me.

"I know," he sighed. "It feels like just yesterday that he was born..."

"He was so tiny," I reminisced. "And you had those huge Captain America muscles."

Chris laughed as he nodded at the memory.

"I was so scared to hold him in case I accidentally crushed him."

"I was so scared of everything," I admitted. "It wasn't until he was actually born that it really hit me that we were completely responsible for his well-being and keeping him alive."

"We've done well with that though!"

"We have," I agreed with a smile. "He's alive and thriving."

"We make a good team."

He flashed me a warm smile that made my heart beat stutter and it almost stopped completely when he stretched out a hand and placed it on mine. His touch was gentle and the warmth of his skin flooded through me even more than the sun streaming down on us. It was a simple gesture, but it eased the heaviness that had been hovering between us lately and I was grateful. I carefully flipped my hand over so our palms pressed together and let our fingers interlace. His smile widened as he looked back out at the driveway, his eyes settling on Grayson in the distance who was laughing at something Scott said.

"Thank you," Chris sighed, his voice quiet and filled with genuine appreciation. "I don't think I've ever said it, but thank you for making me a dad."

His words almost brought tears to my eyes, but I shook my head.

"Chris, you don't need to than-"

"I do," he insisted, cutting me off. "He's the best thing that ever happened to me and he wouldn't be here without you."

"I could say the same," I pointed out, trying to ignore the way his thumb was stroking the back of my hand. "He gets most of his good traits from you too. His kind heart, his sensitive little soul, his loyalty."

"His infuriating stubbornness."

"He gets that from both of us," I smiled. "He didn't stand a chance with that one."

"Well, I hope he gets some of your selflessness," Chris informed me, glancing over and looking a tad sheepish. "Because, as much as I disagree with it and I wish you'd be a little selfish, I get that you're trying to look out for him."

I felt my palms start to sweat and I wondered if he could feel it. I resisted the urge to snatch my hand away from his, trying to play it cooler than I felt. He was watching me closely as I mulled over his words until I found the strength to speak.

"I'm not so sure that it's just him that I'm trying to look out for," I admitted, exhaling a breath that I didn't realize I was holding.  "I do think we have more to talk about, Chris, but I don't think this is the right time."

"You're right," he nodded. "I just felt like I owed you an apology after the other night. I let my feelings get the best of me and I came across a little harsh."

I was about to reassure him that he hadn't when the sound of honking interrupted our conversation. Our attention was pulled to the end of the driveway where two cars - belonging to Chris' mom and his sister - were pulling in as Scott moved Grayson and Dodger off to the side to let them past.

"Did you know they were coming?" I asked, surprised by the little motorcade.

"Nah, I had no idea," Chris shrugged. "We'll stay outside though, keep our distance."

I wasn't worried about that really, I knew all of Chris' family were staying very isolated and being smart about staying safe and we were technically allowed to have outdoor gatherings of up to ten people anyway with the current rules in place. I was surprised to see them though as we'd warned Grayson that he would only get to see most of his family over FaceTime. His excitement at that being untrue was clear as he frantically pedaled back up the driveway to greet his guests.

"Mama! Daddy! Look!"

I let Chris' hand fall away from mine as we stood, smiling at Grayson's excitement as everyone started getting out of their cars. They burst into a rousing chorus of 'Happy Birthday' making Gray's grin grow even more.

"Happy birthday, Grayson!" Lisa beamed as Grayson ran towards her full speed. He threw his arms around her legs before we could even remind him to keep his distance, but Lisa seemed unbothered by it. "Have you had a good day so far?"

"Yes!" Gray smiled up at her. "I got a bike!"

"I saw that!" Lisa matched his enthusiasm. "You're a lucky boy!"

Grayson shot her another smile before turning his attention to his cousins.

"Wanna try?"

His older cousins were probably too big, but Stella's hand shot up first and beat them to it anyway.

"That's really nice of you to share," I called over to Grayson. "But share your helmet too, okay?"

He nodded and struggled with the clip for a few minutes before Lisa helped him take it off and placed it on her granddaughter's head.

Once they were all happy, chasing Stella and Dodger around the drive way, the adults moved over towards us. Lisa was the first to speak, a guilty look on her face.

"I hope you don't mind us just showing up like this, but we couldn't stay away on his birthday..."

"It's great!" Chris assured her. "Don't worry about it."

"And Grayson seems thrilled," I added. "It's nice for him to have other kids to run around with for a bit."

We all turned to watch them as they played until Carly let out a laugh.

"Are Grayson's shoes on the wrong feet?"

I hadn't even noticed, but I laughed as well when I realized that she was right.

"Some days just getting him in shoes at all is a victory," Chris defended himself. "And today was one of those days."

"He's like the energizer bunny this morning," Scott joked. "I can't imagine what he'll be like after we get some cake into him."

"Just think how well he'll sleep tonight," Carly pointed out. "He has to crash eventually."

"I hope so," Chris smiled. "He had me up at six o'clock this morning, I need an early night."

That earned a laugh from the group as his siblings teased him about being such an old man, but I felt a pang of sympathy for him, knowing that he'd been up early with Grayson a lot lately. Maybe it was because we were at his house so it was what Gray was used to, but Chris was definitely the favourite for the early morning wake up call.

We stood in our little circle for a while, just catching up as we watched the kids, all of us enjoying conversation with someone other than the people we were locked up with twenty-four hours a day. It was nice for me to have some female company as well even though Lisa was very pleased to hear that her boys were pulling their weight around the house and not just treating me like some kind of live-in maid.

It didn't take long for the kids to get tired of sharing the bike, especially the older boys who were too big for it anyway, and soon they were swarming around us demanding that we all play a game. After being cooped up for so long, it didn't seem like a bad idea to get us all moving around a little so we agreed and set about the daunting task of finding something everyone was willing to play.

Eventually, we settled on capture the flag - girls against boys. Lisa decided she'd make a better referee than a player so the boys team had one extra member, but they had three children to our one so it hardly seemed like the extra person would cause any unbalance. 

The rules of the game were simple: each team had three flags in our 'end zone' at opposite ends of the large grassy part of Chris' yard and the other team had to try to steal those flags. We had to grab it and run it all the way back to our own end zone to score a point, but once it was safely 'captured' it couldn't be stolen back. If someone managed to snatch a flag, but was tagged on their way back to their end zone then they had to give the flag back.

Lisa was very firm in reminding her children that tackling was not allowed as the Evans siblings were fiercely competitive and it had apparently led to trouble over the years. Once the rules were all set, we took our places and started the game.

The teams were fairly evenly matched. The boys had more strength, but we had more agility and were much better at communicating and working together which led to us easily scoring the first point. While Stella distracted Scott, Carly snuck past him to snatch the flag and she tossed it to Shanna who faked a pass to Stella before throwing it to me to get it to the safe zone. It was a beautifully executed play that showed the boys we weren't messing around.

"Oh, it's on now," Chris called out as he sprinted past me.

Shanna bolted after him, but he managed to grab the flag and throw it to Ethan before she caught up. With all the other boys guarding him, he made it all the way back to their end zone without getting tagged.

"I think having a super soldier on your team is an unfair advantage ," Carly huffed, but Chris shook his head with a smirk.

"Nah, because we have Scott too so it balances out."

"Hey!" Scott protested. "I'll switch teams if you're going to be rude!"

Stella jumped for joy at that idea, pleading with him to come onto our side, but the rest of the boys voiced their protests and he decided that, as long as there was no more hurtful comments, he would stick to his team for now. I used their bickering as a distraction though as I snuck closer towards their unguarded flags. I managed to grab one before Scott noticed and called out a warning to the rest of his team, but when I took off running and Grayson charged towards me, I didn't have the heart to out run him on his special day. I slowed down enough that he wouldn't realize I was letting him win and groaned dramatically as he tagged me, making me give up the flag.

"I did it!" He cheered. "Daddy! Did you see? I did it!"

Stella had a disappointed scowl on her face, but everyone else was understanding as they watched Chris scoop him up onto his shoulders, chanting his name as if he'd just won the World Cup while he carried him back to replace the flag.

Their celebration was short-lived though as we managed to steal the flag again almost as soon as Chris and Grayson were far enough away from it. After another perfectly executed play, the score was sitting at 2-1 for us. The pressure was on after that as we only needed one more point to win, it ramped up the competitive spirit.

We were off to a great start in the next round. Shanna got the flag quickly, but Scott had her cornered almost immediately so she tossed it to me. I got about ten steps before Chris was on my heels and I was forced to throw it over to Carly. Chris turned and went to chase after her instead and without even thinking, I leapt on his back to stop him.

"Hey!" He protested, slowing to a stop despite how he was clearly unaffected by my weight. "Is anyone seeing this? This has got to be a foul! She tackled me!"

"I did not tackle you!" I insisted, clinging to his shoulders with my legs wrapped around his waist. "If it was a tackle, you'd be on the ground."

Chris wiggled around, trying to throw me off his back as Carly sauntered into our end zone with the flag.

"The only reason I'm not on the ground is because you're too weak," Chris argued before shouting to his mom. "That doesn't count!

"No, Mama," Grayson joined in, running over to us looking very disapproving. "No cheating!"

I laughed, but slid down from Chris' back.

"Sorry, I'm sorry!" I held my hands up as I apologized. "I can't outrun Captain America, I had no choice!"

"Well, now you lost the point," Chris teased me, shoving me playfully and making me stumble a step away from him. "So, lets keep it fair and stop trying to cheat."

I swatted back at him as I stuck out my tongue while Lisa made the official call that the point didn't count and Scott took the recently captured flag back to the boy's end zone.

Chris had a new twinkle in his eye as the next round started. He hadn't let me get very far away from him and I quickly realized that I'd made a mistake by antagonizing him. I would be useless to my team if he was on my tail the whole time, but he was a tank and incredibly fast so getting away from him was next to impossible. I watched helplessly as Scott and Miles easily took our flag and dashed it back to their end zone to tie the score.

"Chris!" I whined as I tried to get around him like I was a cornered puppy, trying not to get caught. "Get away from me, you big oaf!"

"Oh, wow," Chris chuckled. "Let's not start calling names and being mean."

I tried to dart past him again, but groaned as he blocked my path.

"You're infuriating!"

"It's all part of the game."

The smirk on Chris' face had my competitive side firing up as I could see behind him that Miles had snatched our last flag. Stella was hot on his heels though, so he had no choice, but to pass to Grayson who was coming our way. Was I going to stop my three year old son from scoring the game winning point on his birthday? Probably not. But I had to at least make my attempt genuine so I came up with a plan.

"Is that..." I squinted off into the distance on the other side of the yard. "Is that Dodger chasing a cat?"

My Oscar worthy performance had Chris spinning around to check out what I saw and it gave me enough time to bolt away towards Grayson who wasn't far away from winning the game for his team. I made it an impressive five steps before Chris figured out what I'd done and came after me. Grayson saw what was happening and dodged to the left so I followed, but my change of direction gave Chris an opportunity. The next thing I knew, I felt a crash against my hips before I was lifted from the ground and found myself dangling over Chris' shoulder.

I let out a squeal of surprise as I kicked my legs, trying to get down, but Chris had a tight grip on me and there was no getting away. The ease with which he threw me around wasn't at all distracting and there wasn't a single part of me that was revelling in his strength. Not at all.

"This is absolutely a tackle!" I protested, focusing my mind back onto my predicament. "Put me down!"

"If this was a tackle, you'd be on the ground," he mocked me. "This is payback."

I had a nice view, my head only inches above 'America's ass' so, swept up in the moment of playfulness between us, I reached down and gave it a smack. He yelped and jumped, shaking me as he did.

"Chris! Put me down!"

My demands were weakened by the giggles that I couldn't hold back, but thankfully Scott stepped in to help me regain some dignity.

"Alright, you two," he called over. "Can we get back to the game now or would you like us all to give you some time alone?"

A blush covered my cheeks as I remembered that his entire family was around us and was relieved when he lowered me to the ground.

"Games over," Chris called back. "Grayson scored!"

Grayson jumped up and down happily, but Stella had a scowl on her face.

"Nuh uh! When Whitney tackled you, it didn't count!" She pointed out. "Grayson's point doesn't count too!"

The joy on Grayson's face fell into a look of anger as he stomped his foot at his cousin’s claim.

"It does!" He insisted. "I did it!"

"Now look what you've done," I playfully scolded Chris quietly before shouting to the rest of the group. "I think we're going to have to let them have the point, ladies. I wouldn't have been able to catch up to Grayson even if Chris didn't cheat..."

Stella's jaw dropped in clear shock that I hadn't supported her protests, but to stop the war before it could start, Chris chimed in.

"Grayson didn't need my help to score that point, I shouldn't have interfered," he started. "But why don't we call it a game and go have some cake?!"

The promise of sugar seemed to quash any animosity between the teams as all the kids let out a shriek of approval at that suggestion and took off running back to the house.

"Oh, yes," Carly sighed. "Because what my children clearly need right now is more energy..."

"It's Gray's birthday," Chris shrugged with a smile as we all followed the children at a much more reasonable pace. "We have to have cake!"

"And if it wasn't his birthday then I wouldn't have let you win."

My taunting earned a bark of laughter from Chris.

"Let us win? Yeah, sure, okay. You just keep telling yourself that you're faster and stronger than me," he teased. "Whatever makes you feel better."

I shoved him, but he was braced for it and I ended up more affected by the impact than him which proved his point, putting a smirk on his face.

"Asshole," I muttered as I shook my head, but I couldn't hold back a smile at how nice our affectionate teasing felt.

-

By the end of the day, we were all exhausted. It had been a fun and very special day for Grayson so we were thrilled for him, but exhausted nonetheless. Gray fought his bedtime with all the will power he had, eager for the day to go on just a little bit longer, but we won out in the end and he made it to bed on time. Scott had gone to his own room while we were fighting with him and Chris and I parted ways shortly after to get some much needed quiet time of our own.

I found myself distracted though, when I was finally alone, as the importance of the day had me feeling sentimental. Watching Grayson grow up and hit these milestones was a joy, but it left me feeling a bit reminiscent of the years gone by. Years when he was even smaller than he was now, just starting to figure out the world and how to speak, walk and be a part of it. The time was really flying by and as I began to scroll through old videos of his first year of life, the nostalgia was almost too much to bear.

Eventually, I stumbled on a video that had distinct parallels of today.

It was a video of Grayson's first birthday when we'd given him his own little cake and let him go to town on it. Of course, as many babies do, he'd stared at it for a moment before smashing his face directly into it. It was adorable and tugged on my heart strings considering how comparatively neat his cake consumption was earlier that day. He'd grown so much in such a short time and I felt compelled to share my discovery with Chris so I dragged myself out of bed and crept down to his room.

There was a fluttering of nerves in my stomach as I knocked on his bedroom door, the feeling only growing as he called out an invitation to come inside. I did as he'd asked and let myself in, finding him leaning back against the headboard of his bed - wearing nothing but his pajama pants - with his own phone in his hand.

"Hey," he smiled. "What's up?"

"I found a video," I told him, standing awkwardly near the foot of his bed. "I was feeling a little sad about how fast Gray is growing up so I was looking back, watching old videos and I found one that I thought you might like to see."

Chris’ smile widened and he eagerly patted the bed next to him, encouraging me to sit. I took him up on his offer and settled in as I unlocked my phone and started the video.

"He was so little..."

Chris' observation came as the camera settled on Gray where he sat in his high chair. Chris was right next to him, a grin on his face as he chatted happily to our son despite the nonsense babble that he got in response. I appeared on the screen after a few moments, carrying a tiny cake as everyone started to sing Happy Birthday. Grayson had a look of confusion on his face as he looked around at the crowd, but his eyes widened when the cake was placed in front of him.

"Go on, Gray," I prompted once the singing had stopped. "You can taste it."

He needed no more encouragement and simply face planted right into it, popping up a moment later with blue icing from the tops of his eyebrows to the bottom of his chin. He had a huge, cheeky grin on his face as he looked at us and, just as he did in the video, Chris laughed next to me.

"Oh, man, it kills you, doesn't it?" He questioned before clarifying. "How cute he is."

I hadn't realized that Chris' arm had found its way behind me when he leaned in to watch until I felt his breath on my hair as he spoke and I couldn't resist leaning back, tucking myself under his shoulder. The whole day, the knowledge that my baby was growing up, had me needing some comfort. It was exciting, to see him learn and shift from a baby to a little person, but at the same time, I felt the overwhelming urge for time to stop.

"It does," I agreed, letting my phone fall to the bed beside me. "I can't believe how much he's changed since then."

"In some ways," Chris agreed, looking down at me with a smirk. "In others, he's still that goofy, reckless baby."

"If he's anything like you, he'll probably never grow out of being goofy and reckless."

I felt Chris' shoulders shake as he chuckled at my teasing and I was reminded of the last time we'd been cuddled up, in a similar position to this, in his bed. I felt a flood of warmth run through my body at the memory as I was suddenly aware of how close we were, aware of how good he smelt and how strong his hard muscled arm felt as I leaned against it.

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"I meant it as one," I assured him. "I like that you're goofy. Your recklessness used to give me anxiety sometimes, when you'd always insist that you just had to do your own stunts on Captain America as if you really thought you were a super soldier, but I like that you're willing to take risks."

"Awe, gee, Whitney," he teased, squeezing me closer against him. "It was nice of you to worry about me."

"Of course I worried," I rolled my eyes. "Your muscles are bigger than your brain sometimes."

"Not anymore..." Chris held up the arm that wasn't currently around me and flexed his muscles, showing off a bicep that was still much larger than most even if it wasn't quite up to the Avengers standard. "I'm out of shape."

Against my own best interest, I turned slightly, letting my hand drift up towards his arm as my head fell against his chest. I traced over the bulging muscle and watched as tiny goosebumps rose up on his skin at the sensation. Skin that felt so soft under my touch and I felt his breath shift as he clearly felt the mood between us change the same way that I did. I felt emboldened by how amorous our emotional day had left me as I let my head tip back to find him looking down at me with the same intensity he had a few months ago.

My breath caught in my throat and I couldn't help myself. Despite every alarm bell going off inside my brain, I stretched up just enough to press my lips against his. For a moment, he relaxed. His shoulders dropped as my fingers curled around the arm they were just stroking, but then suddenly his entire body tensed as if he'd been shocked by a bolt of electricity. He jerked away, sliding out from under me and off the bed before I could even realize what was happening.

"No," he said firmly, pointing his finger at me the same way he did to Dodger when he was being naughty. "No, no, we're not doing this again. Not until we talk about it what's going on here."

I felt the sting of rejection so harshly that it almost brought tears to my eyes, but I knew he was right.

"I'm sorry," I squeaked out, my cheeks burning. "You're right. I shouldn't have done that."

My voice was shaking as I scrambled to stand up, the stunned look on Chris' face only adding to my embarrassment. We stood there, staring at each other with the bed between us, but he didn't speak and after a few moments of silence, my shame was overwhelming, kicking my flight instincts into gear.

"I'll go," I mumbled. "Sorry again."

I didn't wait for a response before darting towards the door, but Chris' voice stopped me before I could make my escape.

"Whitney, stop." He didn't shout, but his tone was firm and demanding enough that I froze on the spot. "We need to talk about this. We can't keep going on with it hanging above our heads."

I turned to face him, discovering that he'd moved closer and was standing by the foot of the bed. He was still a few feet away from me, but close enough that it felt almost suffocating and I bit my lip as I stared at his feet, unable to look him in the eye.

"I don't know what to say..."

"I can take it," he insisted, a hint of resignation in voice as he continued. "You've had plenty of time to think it over since our last conversation and you said earlier today that we needed to talk. If you're gonna turn me down, put whatever this is to bed, just do it now and get it over with."

I furrowed my brow in confusion at his words, my heart beating in my chest so fast that I could hear the blood pumping through my ears.

"Turn you down?" I questioned. "Why do you think I'm going to turn you down? I just kissed you."

"That didn't mean much at Christmas."

He had a very valid point and I felt another pang of guilt at how badly I was treating him. I was hot and cold, affectionate and withdrawn, unwavering in my decision one minute and unsteady the next. I hadn't spared much thought to how cruel that was and now that I'd realized, I couldn't hold back the frustrated groan that fell from my lips.

"I don't know what to do, Chris! I think I know what the right decision is. It's what always felt like the safer choice, but then there are times when that's just..." I paused, taking in a deep breath to work up a dash of courage. "It's not what I want."

Chris watched me closely as if choosing his next words very carefully.

"If the safer choice isn't what you want then it sounds like maybe you need to take a risk. You can't live your life making decisions out of fear."

My eyes narrowed. He was over simplifying the situation. That way of thinking might work if it was just the two of us, but with Gray in the middle, things were more complicated.

"It's not that straight forward."

I shook my head as I spoke, but Chris countered with a nod.

"Sure, it is," he shrugged before asking a question that almost stopped my heart. "Do you love me?"

I stared at him, opening my mouth to speak and then closing it again when the words didn't come. I stood there, gaping at him like some kind of ridiculous puffer fish, until I finally got a word out.

"What?"

A smirk slid onto Chris' face at my floundering as he repeated the question.

"Do you love me?" He asked. "And don't say it doesn't matter or it's not important. Just yes or no."

I stared at him for a moment longer as a war between my head and heart raged inside me. Deny, deny, deny was what my head was screaming, but in the end the quiet reminder of now or never from my heart was what won out.

"Yes, I do," I admitted, proud of my voice for not breaking. "I always have."

There was a grin on Chris' face now, but my stomach churned because it didn't mean anything. As I said, I'd loved him all along and yet here we were, no better off.

"That's all that matters then," he insisted. "We can figure out the rest."

"But what if we can't figure it out?" I protested, crossing my arms as if I could somehow fold into myself and disappear completely. "What if it's nice for a while and then it all comes crashing down around us? What about Gray?"

He shrugged again. His whole demeanour miles away from my own. He seemed confident, hopeful, almost excited while I felt nauseous, terrified and paralyzed by fear.

"But what if it doesn't? What if it all works out nicely? Why are you so convinced that we wouldn't last?"

"Because you're you," I reminded him, my tone flat as I stated the obvious. "Hollywood super star, Chris Evans. And I'm me, a boring nobody. You could have pretty much any famous actress you want, the only person who wants to be with me is the creepy maintenance worker in our apartment building."

Chris looked taken aback as his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"What? I've never heard about this guy."

"He's just some weird guy who does the repairs," I shrugged. "He comments on my outfits and looks at me in this way that makes my skin crawl, but he's harmless."

"Doesn't sound harmless to me," Chris argued, crossing his arms as a thunderous look settled on his face. "Does he have access to your place?"

"No!" I assured him, but after my quick answer I realized that I wasn't so sure. "Well, I don't know. He might have a spare key, I guess. If most maintenance people do? They have to give me notice before they enter the apartment anyway."

"Unless he's sneaking in to perv on you."

"Chris! That's gross!" I wrinkled my nose in disgust. "Why would you put that thought in my head?!"

"I told you that you should have let me buy you a house," Chris huffed. "You're moving when all this covid shit is over."

"Oh my god," I groaned having flashbacks to our conversation a few weeks ago about him buying me a car. "All of this is so beside the point! We're talking about how you'd get bored of me and leave me heartbroken for some flashy Hollywood babe, remember?"

"Right," Chris nodded, letting his arms fall to his side. "But that's such a ridiculous idea that I thought it was hardly worth acknowledging."

His dismissal of one of my biggest fears sent a flash of anger through me.

"How is it ridiculous?" I snapped. "It's true!"

"You know me, Whitney," Chris sighed. "You know that my team had to practically force me into doing Captain America because I had one foot out the door of the whole acting gig and I hated the way Hollywood made me feel. Do you really think that I would give up a chance at a having family with you, someone who I really care about, for some wild, short-lived fling?"

His tone conveyed his disbelief, but he hadn't quite accurately interpreted what I meant.

"I think you'd regret it," I clarified. "I think that once the initial excitement wore off, you'd see that I'm nothing special and that I don't fit in your world."

Chris was looking at me as if I'd grown an extra head and I crossed my arms a little tighter around myself.

"We were friends long before Grayson came around and I've always thought that you were something special. Where is all this insecurity coming from, Whitney? Because I just don't get it."

I swallowed hard as I bit my lip. I felt incredibly vulnerable and the urge to run away and continue ignoring all my feelings seemed much preferable to standing here and analyzing them all, but I stayed strong. We were both adults and this was the only way to move forward. Whether it ended how Chris wanted or not, he deserved to know how I felt.

"I spent a long time convincing myself that you didn't care about me as anything more than a friend. I told myself that it was an insane idea because we're in two very different leagues so there was no point getting my hopes up. Then that night happened and I thought that maybe I'd been wrong, that it could be the start of a really good thing, but then you were gone by the time I woke up and you never called."

I barely choked out the last few words as I fought back the tears that were swimming in my eyes. An unmistakable look of guilt flashed onto Chris' face and he opened his mouth to comment, perhaps to defend himself, but I held up a hand to stop him. I needed to get it out or I never would.

"Then three weeks later, I found out I was pregnant," I continued. "I assumed from your silence that you didn't want to be with me and I knew that we were good together as friends so I kept my feelings to myself and spent the last three and a half years beating myself up for thinking for even one second that you would want to be with me."

"I did want to be with you..."

Chris was looking at me with those puppy dog eyes that he'd mastered and I sniffled as a tear slipped down my cheek.

"I know that now, but I can't just turn those thoughts off."

Chris sighed and rubbed his hands over his face before holding out his arms.

"C'mere."

I shook my head, wiping my tears as I worried that I'd fall apart completely if I stepped into his arms, but when he persisted and gestured me over again, I couldn't resist. I took the few steps needed to close the space between us and let my arms slide around his waist. He hugged me close to his body, burying his face in my hair as pressed mine into his muscled chest. We stayed like that for a few moments until Chris broke the silence.

"I'm sorry. I was an idiot," he apologized, his words muffled by my hair. "I should have fought for you. At the very least, I should have stayed until you woke up and I should have called, but I was scared too."

I felt more tears fill my eyes as I choked out a soft "I know".

Another silence fell between us before Chris spoke again, his words making my heart almost stop completely.

"I was going to propose." I pulled back at that confession, my eyes wide as I looked up at him unable to process his words fast enough to speak before he continued. "I called my mom up as soon as you told me you were pregnant. I wanted her to help me pick out a ring, but she talked me out of it. Said you'd think I was doing it for all the wrong reasons."

My heart fluttered back to life at the sincerity in his admission, but I nodded my head.

"Your mom is a smart lady," I told him. "I absolutely would have thought you were only doing it because you felt you had to."

"It wasn't out of obligation though," he insisted. "Maybe I was getting a bit ahead of myself leaping straight to marriage, but I cared about you. It was an opportunity to make it official, make that commitment and be a family. That's what I wanted."

I stayed quiet, resting my head back against his chest as I tried to take in all this new information. It was a lot to process especially when it directly contradicted the belief I had clung to for so long - that Chris and I would never work and for Grayson's sake we were better off apart. That assumption was so deeply embedded in my brain that it was hard to find the courage to take such a risk.

As if Chris could sense my lingering indecision, he continued.

"It's still what I want," he said softly. "Being here these last few weeks with you and Grayson as a family has been a dream come true. I wouldn't give it up for anything or do anything to jeopardize it if you'd just give me a shot."

The word 'okay' was so close to the tip of my tongue that it shocked me.

That was all I had to do, just open my mouth and agree and he would be mine.

My heart was pleading with me to do it, to take that leap and ignore any of the arguments against it that were running through my mind - especially now that those arguments seemed much less sound than they had a few short weeks ago. I was so conflicted that it almost physically pained me to have to make a decision and I couldn't help, but wonder how he could be so certain.

So, I leaned back and tilted my head so my eyes could meet his.

"How can you be so sure?" I questioned. "After how things have been these last few years, how can you be so confident in your feelings?"

"Because I love you," he told me plainly and with unwavering surety. "If you tell me right now that it's not what you want, then I'll accept your decision. But if there's a hint of a chance, then I'll wait as long as I need to. I've been waiting for years, thinking that I didn't even have a shot, I think I can wait a little longer now that I know that I might."

It was another heart wrenchingly honest explanation, another vulnerable admission, and something in the openness with which he spoke made me realize that over the last three years he had done nothing to earn any distrust from me. Even after the fallout from Christmas, he'd put his hurt feelings and pride aside to make things easier for me. He'd been sincere during every discussion we'd had since then and hadn't been cruel or impatient about my indecision. I had no reason at all, other than my own fear and insecurities, to assume that he was going to break my heart and tear apart our family.

He deserved a little bit of trust from me as well and a clarity washed over me as I finally knew what I had to do.

There were words I could have said, probably should have said, but I didn't feel like there was anything that would accurately portray how I was feeling. I settled for a more direct approach as I pressed up onto my toes and let my lips fall against his.

He tensed at first and for a brief, heart stopping moment, I thought he might push me away again, but he didn't. He relaxed, pulling me closer as my hands slid to cup his neck.

It was a soft kiss. A gentle, loving kiss, that I hoped conveyed what I couldn't figure out how to say. But when our lips parted and he leaned down to rest his forehead on mine, there was a concern in his eyes that told me I wasn't going to get away with it that easily.

"What does that mean?"

I bit my lip, staring up past his long eyelashes into his eyes. There was still a tiny voice in my head telling me to run, to stop being so foolish and leave now before I made a mistake, but my heart had found its footing now and wasn't going to back down. Listening to my head all this time hadn't made things any easier, so it was time to try something else.

"It means," I started, taking in a shaky breath. "I don't want to keep you waiting anymore."

Chris let out a breath of relief as a tentative smile slid onto his face.

"Really? You're sure?"

I swallowed hard and nodded my head.

"Yes," I breathed out, my voice thick with all the emotions swirling through me.

He dipped his head a touch lower until our lips were reconnected. It was a deeper kiss, more desperate than the first as his tongue slid against mine and his grip tightened on my waist, my nails scraping against the fuzz of his recently cut hair. I caved into him, clinging to him like he was a lifeboat in a storm until he pulled back to take a breath.

My chest heaved against his, the adrenaline of his touch and what this finally meant, almost too much to handle. I settled back down, flat on my feet and nuzzled my face back into his chest as I fought to calm my racing mind and just enjoy the moment.

"You really mean it?" Chris asked again, the shakiness of his voice filling me with another pang of guilt. "You really want to give this a try?"

"I mean it," I nodded against him. "Doesn't mean my concerns have all vanished in the last five minutes, but I...I think I need to trust you."

"I won't let you down," he murmured into my hair as he pulled me even closer. Another silence fell between us until I broke it with an embarrassingly large yawn and Chris' chest shook as he chuckled. "Do you wanna sleep down here tonight?"

As soon as he'd asked the question, it suddenly hit me how exhausted I was. Even just the thought of walking upstairs seemed like an impossible task when there was such an inviting, comfortable bed only steps away from where I stood. But a thought popped into my head that I couldn't ignore and I turned my head slightly so I wasn't speaking directly into Chris' muscles.

"What about Gray?" I asked. "He always comes to you in the morning..."

"Would it matter?"

His tone wasn't accusing or annoyed, but genuinely curious as sharing a child did add a strange new element to all this. I didn't really know what the best way to handle it was since Grayson didn't really understand our relationship or know how a typical family was set up anyway, but it didn't seem like the best way to introduce him to the idea.

"I think we should talk to him about it instead of just letting him stumble on us in bed together," I suggested. "But I think maybe we should wait a while?"

Chris' face fell as the look of worry returned.

"You want to keep this a secret?"

"I didn't mean it like that," I shook my head. "You can tell whoever you want, but I think we should figure things out, make sure things are stable between us before we try to explain it to Gray."

"Alright, that's fair," Chris agreed before leaning down to place another soft kiss on my lips. "I'll wake you up before he comes down."

"Okay," I nodded as I let my thumb stroke his cheek.

We reluctantly slipped out of each other's arms, but it was a brief separation as we climbed into opposite sides of the bed. Once we'd turned the lights off, we met in the middle and he pulled me back against his chest, letting me hook my leg over his hip as we settled against each other.

Chris ran a hand up and down my spine as he nuzzled in my hair.

"This feels nice..."

"It does," I hummed. With the darkness around us, the quiet that had settled in, I felt encouraged to say something that I'd felt I should have said long ago. "I'm sorry, Chris."

I felt him tense.

"For what?"

"For messing you around so much," I admitted. "Especially at Christmas...that wasn't cool."

"If I had expectations, I should have laid them out before anything happened." His answer sounded rehearsed, as if he'd spent a long time convincing himself of that fact. I wasn't entirely sure it was a fair statement, but he continued before I could question it. "I can understand where you were coming from, but I promise I won't hurt you."

I felt a pang of uncertainty because that wasn't always a promise that could be kept, but the sincerity in his voice gave me hope. I placed a soft kiss against his chest as his hands slid up under the loose shorts I was wearing to cup my bum.

"I love you," I mumbled against his skin.

"I love you too," he replied, making a feeling of warmth flood through me. "Thank you for giving me a chance."

I sighed happily as my exhaustion had my eyes fluttering shut. I wanted to stay awake, to keep this moment before the brightness of the morning could bring any doubts or second guesses, but I was powerless to resist as sleep overtook me.

-

Part Five

Tags:  @maggotzombie @moonlacebeam @mizzzpink @zaylaugh @flowery-mess @flowerjewels @njrronaldo7 @hockeychick10

[arahactually]

if you’re still doing the sleepover: buddie + first ‘i love you’

you know what i’m literally gonna write a little ficlet for you about that😌

it’s a mess, since i wrote this in like one sitting but it’s just for fun and the idea wouldn’t leave me alone🥰

buddie + first ‘i love you’

fluff, established relationship

He was standing in the kitchen by the sink, working his way through the dirty dishes which despite his best efforts kept sneakily piling up during the day. He didn’t understand when or why Christopher picked up the habit of using a new glass each time he wandered into the kitchen to drink during a quick break from playing video games with his friends, this was the fourth one and he literally did the dishes last night. He will have to have a conversation with his son about that. And on top of that, it wasn’t even his turn to do the dishes. Buck volunteered to do them after breakfast and then disappeared without a word, which, rude. It’s been over an hour.

Eddie was considering calling Sophia just to have some company until he’s done with his chore when he heard the front door suddenly open and close with probably a bit too much force. About time, he thought, as he quickly dried his hands with the kitchen cloth, turning around just in time to see Buck enter the kitchen with a wide grin on his face and two cups of coffee in a holder in his hand.

“Well, well, well. He lives! I thought I would have to sick Athena on you,” he said as he folded his arms over his chest, settling against the kitchen counter.

At that Buck stopped, taking in the situation. Eddie saw the exact moment he came to a conclusion after his eyes went from Eddie’s raised eyebrow to the half-done dishes in the sink and his expression turned sheepish.

“Sorry. I had to go and pick up something real quick.’ he said with an apologetic smile. ‘But! I come bearing beverage!” he added as he pulled out one of the takeaway cups from the holder and presented it to him with a bow, his smile turning teasing. This goof. “Black, just like your heathen self likes it,” Well.

“You cannot talk. You drink sugary milk with a tad bit of coffee,” he deadpanned but decided to take the coffee as a peace offering.

“Lies,” Buck replied while taking a sip of his own cup before setting it down on the counter. “Anyways! Let’s move on to more pressing topics! You and Chris are free tomorrow, right?” his boyfriend asked excitedly, eyes sparkling, giving the perfect imitation of a golden retriever puppy wagging it’s tail.

“Uh, yeah. I was thinking maybe we could set up the inflatable pool in the garden. Chris has been pestering me about it and it’s not really a one-man job,” It’s not like he can ever say no to Chris when he wants to try something and they bought the pool in the beginning of the pandemic but never got around to setting it up. The only person who might be even worse at denying Chris’s wishes is Buck so it’s not like they ever really stood a chance. Eddie can’t seem to feel bothered by it though.

“That’s great! But actually I was thinking something else,” Buck grinned, basically vibrating with excitement as he pulled something out from his pocket and trusted it in Eddie’s face who amusedly took one of the three somethings from his boyfriend so he could actually see what it is. And when he did he almost choked on his own spit.

“Are these—?”

“Tickets for the aquarium!” Buck exclaimed, doing a little hop he always does when he is overjoyed. “Chris has been talking about it nonstop saying how several new exhibitions had been added while it was closed for the pandemic. And you said how you wanted to take him to the reopening tomorrow since it’s much safer now but they were sold out of tickets in minutes.” He remembered the heartbroken look on his son face and how much he wanted to do anything to make it go away. “Both of you were so heartbroken about it that I couldn’t let it go and so I had an alert set for the websites people go on to sell their tickets if they decide not to use them. I didn’t have high hopes because the aquarium gave out such a limited amount of tickets but guess what! I managed to buy three tickets so we can all go tomorrow!”

“You did?” he asked softly looking up to take in his boyfriend.

“Yeah, but don’t tell Chris! It has to be a surprise! He deserves it, he’s got an A in most of his classes so this could be the perfect opportunity to celebrate,” Buck said as he began reading the text on the backside of one of the other tickets, starting on the research that inevitably will follow later.

Eddie barely even registered reaching a hand out to cup Buck’s face to turn it up so his boyfriend’s gaze met his, surprise painting his features. And for a second he only stared at him. The need to just pull him into Eddie’s arms and cherish him forever was overwhelming as he leaned in to softly press their lips together. He just stayed there for a moment, breathing in the sweet scent of Buck’s cologne, tasting the sinfully oversweetened coffee on his tongue, just taking it in, all his senses focusing on Buck, Buck, Buck, before he pulled away and leaned back to look the other man in his beautiful, stunnigly blue eyes.

“Gosh, I love you,” he said, sweeping the stray locks off Buck’s forehead, running his eyes over his features as the other man gave off a choked sound. He loved Buck. He thought of how this realisation sneaked up on him slowly, moment by moment as they spent time together. There wasn’t any other possible outcome, they were headed here all along. Every conversation they had where day by day the topics became deeper, every selfless act of service which they did for the other without having to be asked, ever since the beginning, every movie night which forged their little family unit of three.

He was brought out of his thoughts by smooth lips pressing to his and his face being cradled so gently. Seems like somebody caught up as well.

“You love me,” Buck breathed after they pulled away but only barely, their lips still brushing as they formed words. His voice barely a whisper, full of wonder.

“I do,” he said, moving his other hand up to tenderly slide his thumb over his boyfriend’s temple.

“You love me!” Buck said again giddily, sounding more sure now, understanding the words for what they are and letting them settle over him.

“Yes, I’m aware,” Eddie chuckled.

“You said it first.” God, he was such a dork. And Eddie couldn’t do anything but love him all the more for it. He was hopeless, but when he was with Buck that thought didn’t scare him, when he was with Buck he wasn’t filled with dread over being vulnerable because he knew that no matter what came, Buck would catch him.

He felt hands on his face, felt them pulling it backwards so he was forced to look into the eyes of the man he adored and he was met with a blinding smile and a softness in his boyfriend’s eyes that he knew his own reflected perfectly. “I love you too,” Buck said, giving Eddie’s lips a gentle peck, his fingers running through his hair. “So much.”

And they stayed there, holding each other while trading soft kisses and even softer words, as the dishes sat in the sink, long forgotten.

[delicrieux]

Prompt 56 and/or 66 for Corpse perhaps? 💕

･:* ☆ author’s note: dont let the title fool u this fic is actually just angst </3 also it takes place before quarantine i dont condone partying during the pandemic lmao. from the prompt list: 56. “You didn’t call. You didn’t text. Nothing.”

masterlist.｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

He’s worried. Hardly a surprise - he’s always worried about something. Anxiety makes him rigid. It’s hard to breathe, and for a second he thinks he has forgotten how to do that in the first place. It’s the swirling crowd, the bright lights, loud music and perfumed, hot air. Makes his head spin. It’s hard to focus. Maybe that’s why he didn’t stay for long. He never meshed well with people - they rejected him somehow, or perhaps it’s his anxiety that told him that they did. He had wandered around that fucking house for two hours, trying to find a quiet corner to just relax, yet to no avail.

One minute here, maybe two, was all it took for him to become inexplicably overwhelmed.

He came because you asked. Friends do things for other friends and he knew you were looking forward to it - it was the only thing you were talking about the past week. Picking out an outfit, fixing your hair, indulging in something stronger than lemonade or sparkling water. You had taken the time to coordinate your clothes with his. Matching color scheme, the two of you had shown up dressed to the nines. People flocked you instantly. You got swept away in the current too quickly for him to realize he was left to fend on his own. 

You found him a few times after that, dragged him to the dance floor. Your hands were pleasant to the touch, gentle and warm. Your smile was a bit sloppy, eyes twinkling, cheeks flustered from the heat and the drinks and the laughter. It made him smile, too. You had asked him where he disappeared to. Repeated the question seven times because he couldn’t hear you over the music. You leaned in in a last ditch effort to find an answer; your breath tickled the shell of his ear. He had no concrete reply to give you. Just here and there.

More searching. The minute handle seemed stuck in place for him. He couldn’t phantom how you could relish in all this noise. He heard remnants of a conversation and your bell-like laughter and found you in the kitchen. People clustered around you. You seemed engaged in a story about some ski-trip gone bad. He felt a pang in his chest, something stuck between desperation and longing, and wanted to join your side instantly and stay there and maybe wrap his arm around your shoulders or-

His mind insisted that he wasn’t pleasant company. What could he offer to a conversation involving five people?

He left to haunt the halls instead. Ten more minutes of torment, perhaps even less than that, and he went home.

His head is still pounding with a headache, even when he lays in bed, staring at his shadowed ceiling. His heart is racing in his chest, oddly reminiscent of the erratic drum of music he had heard at the party. His phone keeps buzzing with an influx of messages. He wills himself to check it.

(NAME) ♡

↪yo the fuck?? ↪ where are u?? ↪ did u go home??? i cant find u anywhere i checked the bathroom twice ↪ sum1 said they saw u leaving wtf??? ↪ you didn’t think to call?? ↪  or text??? ↪ nothing??? ↪ corpse the hell call me NOW

He doesn’t get a chance to text you back, or do anything else for that matter, because his screen flashes with a call and his finger hoovers over the Decline button. He doesn’t go through with it. A moment later your shrill voice fills his ear.

“You alive?!”

Alive? He’s not sure, so he settles with, “Not dead.”

You audibly sigh; he can’t see it, but your hand is resting on your chest, “Thank God. You seriously scared me.” You chuckle nervously, “You’re home, yeah?”

“...Yes. Sorry for freaking you out, I just...wasn’t feeling well. I didn’t want to ruin your fun.”

“...What? Didn’t want to ruin-- you ruin shit by leaving with me with some assholes. You have any idea how many stories I had to listen to today? Horrible, every single on of them. The party was a bust anyway. I’m gonna be at yours in, like, ten minutes.”

“Wait--” He sits up, “You’re...coming over?”

“That’s what I said, yeah. Unless you don’t want me to, but, uhm, I’m already in my Uber, so--”

“No, no, I don’t mind, I just--uhh--I thought you wanted...to...stay and party?”

“I wanted to party with you.” You stress, “I know you don’t exactly like crowds but when you said yes I got really excited and--and well...Yeah that’s it. I just got excited. Next time we can stay in or go to the movies or something.”

“Shit,” He mutters, “I need to clean my room.”

“Okay, I’ll leave you to it, but next time? Do me a favor and just let me know when you decide to arrivederci. Send a pigeon. Leave graffiti on the walls. Do something, you seriously scared me.”

His smile is back, and he feels as if he hadn’t smiled in years, “Promise. Thanks, (Name).”

“The hell you’re thanking me for? I’m the one that should be thanking you, since I’m inviting myself over.”

“You’re always invited.” He says, a bit breathless, but now for an entirely different reason, “You’re a...” His tongue suddenly feels too big for his mouth. Clearing his throat, he continues, steadily this time, “You’re a great friend.”

Right, friend, friends do things for other friends. You’re just being a good friend, nothing more.

“...Oh. Yeah, you’re a great friend, too.”

So why do you sound so disappointed? It’s a feeling he definitely shares.

“See you in a few.” You mutter before hanging up. 

Fuck, maybe he’s still a bit out of it, because he can’t focus again, his mind persistently trailing back to the word friend. It echoes. For the first time in his life it sounds unpleasant.

No time. He’ll figure it out when you get here. You’ll both figure it out. Or maybe you won’t. That idea halts his movements, makes him reluctant to get out of bed. No time. He doesn’t move. Only when the buzzer indicates your arrival behind his front door does he finally get up.

He feels like he’s still at that stupid party. Confused and anxious and for some reason afraid.

All of that melts promptly when he opens the door and finds you there, smiling at him in the lovely way you do. “...Hi.” You say sweetly, quietly.

His heart thuds in his chest. He dips his head in a wordless greeting and steps aside to let you in.

“I forgot to clean.” He confesses as you take off your shoes.

“Literally don’t care.” You utter, “I was thinking we could watch something on Netflix. Something funny. Or bad. Or funny bad. How does that sound?”

That sounds like not talking. Maybe that’s for the best.

“Yeah, sure.”

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hope you liked it! xx

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