#i think ill be fine i just had a dream that involved one of my main intrusive things :( so i feel gross+bad for now

[monsterbisexual]

my therapist told me something about intrusive* thoughts being like commercials like u might not like it or want them but u just have to sit through them sometimes which can suck. i kinda like this analogy cuz what i struggle with abt those are feeling tons of judgement n shame toward myself over them like im bad + evil etc even though its stuff that actively makes me so uncomfortable n is distressing. but its kinda like a 'well why is it in my mind, where did it come from if it doesnt mean anything abt me tho???' thing i struggle with but im trying to remember its not something im choosing or enjoy n doesnt make me wrong/bad

[aperrywilliams]

Pandora's Box II (Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader)

(Not my gif. Credits to the creator!)

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Author Masterlist / Author Taglist / Part I

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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Summary: Reader doesn't know what to think after the kiss between Spencer and Cat. Insecurities about their marriage surface in both Reader and Spencer. How severe will the consequences of what Cat did be?

Word Count: 4.1k

Warnings: Most of Spencer's traumas are only mentioned (Hankel, Dilaudid, Diana's illness, etc.). Angst and a lot of inner thoughts (I mean it: a lot). But not despair, my friends, happy ending.

A/N: Hello! Here is part two of Pandora's Box. Thanks a lot for all your comments, likes, and reblogs on part I.

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Spencer's POV

Cat did it again. No. Scratch that. I did it again.

I'm still seeing her eyes full of betrayal. God, how did I let this happen? How I was not able to think of something else to do. I'm so stupid!

I thought about running after her to stop her and convince her to go home with me. But I know (Y/N), and it would have been worse to insist when it was clear that she was shocked and hurt.

That leads me to now be in our shared bed, staring at the ceiling as I sink into my own mortification. Emily and JJ called me several times during the night, but I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I just texted them that (Y/N) was fine, but I screwed it up, and she hated me now. I don't know why I thought that would stop the calls. It was the opposite, but I decided to ignore my phone from there. I knew that (Y/N) would not call or text me either. Besides her getting rid of her cell phone, I was the last person she wanted to talk to.

How do I fix this?

The more I thought about it, the more complicated it became. We were not only talking about me kissing Cat Adams. It was more than that. And even if (Y/N) didn't go further saying how bad she was feeling, she slipped a hint. And it hurt. It hurt to know I was hurting her. Maybe Cat was right. I was not made to have a normal life and be loved like that. Perhaps I didn't deserve her.

Spencer, stop it! Don't fall into Cat's game. She wanted this to happen. She wanted to ruin your marriage, I repeated myself.

The funny thing is maybe I ruined it first.

Tossing and turning, I couldn't find a way to fall asleep. That brought me to the months I spent in jail when I barely slept an hour in a row. Endless nights were I missed (Y/N) 's body next to me. Nights where I swore to myself that if I made it out of there, I wouldn't waste another minute without making her my wife. So I did it. The very day I was released from Milburn, I got down on one knee and proposed to her. No ring involved, just a promise to spend the rest of my life with her, loving her and raising a family.

Two years since that, and now I think about the things I promised and what I have fulfilled. I feel terrible realizing that I have failed her.

Tiredness got me at some point, but my brain didn't stop working. I dream about (Y/N). It was a sweet dream that turned into a nightmare when she told me it was over. That ours was over.

I woke up sweating and screaming. 

I couldn't let that happen. I wouldn't let my incompetence makes me lose the best thing that had happened to me in life.

After showering and getting dressed early in the morning, I went to our habitual coffee shop and bought her favorite coffee and donut. I stopped by her dad's and left a bag with the treats and a note. A tiny gesture compared to the mess I had made, but I needed to tell her I was there even if she didn't want to see me.

-

Reader's POV

I couldn't sleep. I just couldn't.

After explaining the previous day's chaos to my dad - partially though, because I didn't want to give in to the embarrassing details - he let me stay in my old bedroom.

Every time I closed my eyes, I could see Spencer kissing that psycho over and over again.

I could see how his hands held her head, his eyes closed, lost in the sensation. Their lips moving in unison. His body pressed against hers.

Has he ever kissed me like that? Yes. He has. That is precisely the way I liked to be kissed.

When we started dating, Spencer was so shy at first, but he freed all the passion within him over time. I always wished to be the only one to see and feel him like that. And I really thought I would be the only one with that privilege. It seems I was wrong.

Why does it hurt so much? I mean, Spencer wouldn't do that to me, much less with that crazy bitch, right? I could bet he did not even want to do it.

Maybe it's the fact that there's a fucking Jiminy Cricket in my ear telling me things between Spencer and I aren't going well, and this shit is another proof that there will always be something interfering between us.

It terrifies me to think this could lead to the end of us, but I can't deny the idea has been on my mind for a while. It's true that we have never talked about it. It's true I have tried to deny that Spencer's absence affects me more than I let on. Has he noticed anyway? I'm afraid to know.

The next morning when I got to the kitchen, I saw my dad making coffee. Over the counter was a paper bag with my name written on it. It's Spencer's. I would recognize that handwriting anywhere.

"You don't have to open it," my dad told me, sensing the internal debate in my head. "I just brought it inside so you can decide if you want to do it or not."

It wasn't the only decision I needed to make, though.

Curiosity got the best of me. Inside the bag was my favorite coffee and donut. Of course Spencer knew it. Tucked in the coffee cup holder was a note.

'My love. Don't think this is me hoping that with just a coffee and a donut, you would forgive me. It is just a way to tell you I'm thinking of you. We have so much to talk about, but I won't push you to do it until you're ready. Please, only remember that I'm here, and I love you. Always yours, SR.'

Tears clouded my vision. I love him. That's not in discussion. But to be with someone is more than to feel love. It's about giving and receiving. It's about comprehending and being comprehended. It's partnership and complicity, things that have been away from us for a while. I will not blame Spencer for that because I have much to do with it. I should have said something. Is it too late now?

I took the lid off and sipped the coffee. I was thinking of him too.

-

Spencer's POV

Three days. The longest days of my life. Am I overstating? I don't think so. Because even if we had been apart for longer than three days, these circumstances made it worse.

The anxiety was killing me. Those days I went to work by inertia, unable to concentrate or be useful in any way. It was hard not to go over the last few months in my head. The signs, the unsaid things. The looks of disappointment when at any moment, the phone rang, and I had to leave.

Prentiss caught me deep in thought that afternoon.

"You okay?"

"Uh - yeah. I just got distracted. Sorry," I apologized. Emily shook her head and sat beside me.

"We both know it is more than that. Do you want to talk about it?"

I sighed, leaning back in the chair. I had the question on the tip of my tongue.

"Do you think fifteen years is a long time?"

Emily raised an eyebrow, trying to decipher the question's implication, but I knew she understood why I was asking.

"Well, I guess it depends on what you compare to," she ventured with a reassuring smile.

"I mean, doing this job. I had spent my whole adult life in the BAU. And don't get me wrong, I love my job-" I trailed off.

"But?"

"I love (Y/N) too, and I'm not good enough conciliating this job with my marriage. I can't make it work as JJ does," I confessed.

"If it is the case, having some time off should work to return some balance, but something tells me it's not the biggest problem," Emily asserted. Of course she did. She knew me better: it was more than the lack of time.

I chuckled bitterly.

"We have been only married for two years, and I feel I have failed her too much already. I mean, I was the one who said I needed to slow down after everything that had happened in Milburn. (Y/N) has been by my side in so many hard times. She was the first one I told about my addiction. She was there after the Anthrax episode. She took care of me when I got shot in Texas. I ran to her when they told me about my mom's Alzheimer's. Then jail happened. What else would she have to put up with? JJ's confession and being kidnapped by a cult. And now Cat again? Fuck, she saw me kissing her! The same woman who framed me for murder. How twisted is it?"

"She loves you too much," Emily pointed, trying to get me out of my rabbit hole.

"And I love her, but I always find a way to show otherwise, uh?" I mocked myself. I really felt like I was screwing up over and over.

"Spencer, none of those things have been your fault."

And maybe Prentiss was right. That didn't exempt me from my blindness, though.

"But it's been enough to have done something about it. Emily, I couldn't bear to lose her."

I could feel the lump forming in my throat.

"Spencer, she knows you love her. She married you for who you are. You just told me she has been with you in the toughest moments. You won't lose her."

How can she be so sure? I knew things never last long. I have seen people leaving me before.

"You know? It breaks my heart when I have to leave every time. (Y/N) always says she understands my job and never has demanded something from me. Still, I know she worries as hell every time I'm in the field, and I know there have been moments when she needed me, and I couldn't be there for her. I'm her husband! I promised to be there for her! Having more time could help, yeah, but I'm tired of this rhythm. I'm tired of being on the tightrope. I'm tired of the Tobias Hankels, the Cat Adams, the Mr. Scratchs-"

I had to stop my rant because I got out of breath.

"Well, if this is the matter, I think fifteen years is a long time then," Emily told me with a knowing look, patting my shoulder.

As a cue, my phone got a text: 'Are you in town? Can we talk?'

-

Reader's POV

Not two minutes had passed since I sent the text, and Spencer had answered, asking me when and where we would meet.

I figured it would be a complicated conversation, so I suggested it be in our apartment after work that day.

It's not like I wanted to torture Spencer for three days before to talk to him, but the events with Cat triggered a series of thoughts I didn't want to admit before. And the truth is, I wasn't sure how to deal with this. In fact, standing in front of the door and about to open it, I'm still not entirely sure what to say, just sure we can't keep putting this conversation off.

"Hi," Spencer said when he saw me. He was still in his work attire; only the tie was missing.

I returned a tight-lipped smile, stepping into the apartment.

I turned after closing the door, and Spencer just stood there, fidgeting with his hands. He was nervous, and so did I.

"Coffee?" He offered. I shook my head.

"No, thank you."

"O-okay," he mumbled, moving to the living room and gesturing to the couch for us to sit on.

Now we were both seated, maintaining a safer distance between us. Someone needed to break the silence. Spencer cleared his throat before speaking.

"About the kiss, (Y/N), I'm so sorry-" I cut him off.

"Spencer, not that yet. You need to start telling me what happened. It still confuses me how we ended in your old apartment with Cat Adams there."

Spencer nodded and recalled the events of that day: since the moment Penelope called him when we were at the coffee shop to him and Cat at the threshold, kissing.

After hearing the whole story, I couldn't understand how someone could set up something so elaborate to annoy someone else. Well, I don't know why I should be surprised; we were talking about Cat Adams, after all.

"Okay. So you thought a family and I were in danger. And she demanded a kiss. And you thought that would help," I filled. Spencer sighed, looking at his hands on his lap.

"Honestly? I didn't think anything. I felt trapped and knew I had no leverage on her. The opposite, actually. She was in control. I let her have me at her mercy," he confessed.

Spencer at Cat's mercy. Well, it wasn't the first time.

"You didn't seem troubled kissing her," I said bitterly. "I know it sounds childish, but you haven't kissed me like that in what? Months? It felt like I was nothing in your life, Spencer. It was like I didn't even exist and was watching a movie."

My voice cracked a bit while saying those words. Even imagining that I might not exist to Spencer made my stomach churn. It was worse to think I had already been losing him for a while or that perhaps he was never mine.

"(Y/N), that's not true. I -" Spencer tried to rebut quickly. I could feel the guilt in him.

"Spencer, it's okay. I can understand you were under pressure. But it was the way I felt. What would you think if your wife made out with the person who made her life a living hell for a long time?" It was a rhetorical question, though, because I would never do that to him.

"I know. And you might not believe me, but I was thinking of you. You were in my mind at that moment. Cat told me to do it as if she were you," he acknowledged. That didn't make me feel better. I let him know that.

"And you complied. That's the thing, Spencer. It's not the kiss itself; it's the fact you did what she told you. Again."

Spencer averted his gaze from me. He was embarrassed, and I hated being responsible for doing that, but he needed to know. I was done keeping things to myself.

"That makes me realize you're still caught up in her twisted game. Cat will never stop tormenting you, and I don't know what else I can do to help you. And it hurts me because I feel I'm not enough, Spencer. I'm not enough to really be by your side and be who you need."

Treacherous tears began to run down my cheeks. That was the admission I didn't want to reveal. After all these years, I thought, at some point, I could be in tune with Spencer's life. That's why I never said anything. I yet harbored the hope of living up to his expectations all this time.

"Don't say that! It's not true!" He argued, scooting closer to me on the couch, no longer afraid of proximity. "You are everything and more that I have ever needed and wanted. God. I love you, (Y/N). If anything, it's me who feels not worthy of your love. And I'm sorry, you are the most important person in my life, and I haven't shown you that."

"Then why do I feel then we are falling apart, Spencer? It's me imagining things?"

Spencer shook his head, a tentative hand reaching mine. I doubted for a second, but I welcomed his touch.

"It's my fault you're feeling this way. Believe me; you didn't do anything wrong."

His fingers stroking my hand resembled the way his touch always comforted me. In other circumstances, I would have believed nothing had changed between us.

"Are you sure? It's like we're becoming a couple of strangers. And I cannot understand if something about me bothers you or if I am simply indifferent to you. You don't trust me the way you used to."

I retracted my hand to protect myself from the pain it would surely follow when Spencer acknowledged I wasn't the person he wanted anymore.

"I know I have been pushing you away, but it's not because I didn't trust you. It's just I have been putting so many of my problems over your shoulders that I didn't want to overwhelm you. I'm sorry for not being honest with you," Spencer said, maintaining eye contact as if he wanted to imprint his apology on me. My lips quivered, and I was doing everything to not cry.

"Spencer, I'm your wife. It is supposed we lean into each other!" I complained. How was it possible he still did not understand he is not a damaged good and deserves understanding and support.

"And you always have been there for me. But what has happened the times that you have needed me? I am away most of the time, which is unfair to you. I'm your husband, and I should have been here."

His voice broke at the end. And it hurt me because that has happened more than once, but I decided not to say anything before.

"Spencer, I knew your job when we married," I reminded him. It was the truth. I knew what I had signed for. Spencer shook his head nevertheless, blinking back tears.

"That doesn't mean I don't do anything about it. I just let it pass. And it was wrong. You were uncomfortable enough to tell me you were worried or disappointed because of my job." 

I looked away as I listened to Spencer describe my behavior over the past few months. It was hard to admit that I feared what it would mean to us if we discussed it. It seemed childish, perhaps, but like a scared child, I didn't want to feel vulnerable, saying it affected me.

"But it's what you do. It's your life. You chose to be a profiler, and you save people every day."

That was far more important, wasn't it?

"But I chose you too. And you are part of my life too." Now he had hunched before me, gently placing his hands on my knees. "Do you remember what I told you when I proposed?" He asked, smiling fondly.

Of course I remembered. After living apart for three months because Spencer was in jail, the moment of our reunion was one of the most emotional things I have experienced.

"Besides telling me you loved and wanted to marry me?" I replied - a blush creeping my face at the memory.

"Yeah, that too. I told you I wanted everything with you. I told you I didn't want to spend another minute without you. You make me whole and feel alive (Y/N). That's far more important than catching monsters and consuming my life for them."

Grabbing one of my hands, he brought it to his lips, planting a loving kiss. His gaze never left mine, and I could feel like my heart skipped a bit.

"What do you mean?" I asked in a whisper. He returned a smile, tucking a hair strand behind my ear.

"That I'm done. Fifteen years is more than enough, and if this job continues cracking the good things in my life, I don't want it."

I wondered if I was listening wrong or if my mind was playing tricks on me. I needed clarification.

"What? Are you saying-" Spencer cut me off, nodding his head.

"There are so many things we dreamed of doing together. Do you recall our plan to stay a whole winter in a cabin in the woods? Or the trip to Greece? The idea of moving to the suburbs?"

"Do you still remember all that?" I asked in disbelief. That seemed a lifetime ago. We had so many plans and ideas, but I thought this would only form part of an unfulfilled desire, of our youthful and innocent desire to achieve something different from what we were used to. I often felt those plans were a way of escaping from our daily life full of pain, ghosts, and fears.

"Of course I do! And it's not because I have an eidetic memory. If I didn't, I would remember it anyway because I still want those things. With you."

Stroking my cheek with his palm, Spencer looked at me intensely as he didn't want to miss any of my microexpressions. I felt bare before him, but it didn't feel odd or wrong. If anything, it felt like he was seeing into my heart and soul. I have missed that.

"Spencer, you don't have to. You are a profiler, and you save lives. Your life has been the BAU," I reminded him. I didn't want him to be doing this just because we were in a rough patch and for it to be something he would regret for the rest of his life.

"It has been, but I don't want it to continue to be. It's a job (Y/N). One that has given me a lot of satisfaction but also a lot of pain and has consumed me. I want that to change. I want us to be able to make plans and stick to them. I want that family we talk about so much. Sure, if it's something you still want," he pointed out carefully. My eyes widened.

"You say, kids?" Spencer nodded eagerly.

"Yes. Kids. Little you's and me's running around in our new house. Whom I want to rock to make them sleep, who I want to teach them things, take them to the park, and play with them," Spencer enthusiastically described. It had been a long time since I had seen him that way. I couldn't stop my lips from forming a smile. "Do you still want that?" His excitement changed to the expectation to know my answer.

"Yes, I do," I acknowledged, my eyes filling with tears at the thought that this could be a reality one day. Spencer beamed.

"Then let's have the rest of our lives like we want them to be," he offered. It was like we were saying our vows, like the day we married.

"Are you sure? Spencer, I don't want you to feel like you have-" Before I could say anything else, Spencer gently placed a finger over my lips.

"Hey. It's been a long time since I was so sure about anything. Baby, I love you. I want us, always. Will you accept this fool man, who is madly in love with you, as your husband again?"

His eyes were full of hope, illuminated by the glow of the lighted lamp in the living room. The man hunched before me was the love of my life. The man I chose to spend the rest of my days with. I could feel the sincerity in his gaze, the transparency of the shared longing that made me fall for him years ago.

"I do," I whispered, leaning down and tenderly cupping his cheeks. "May I kiss the husband?" Spencer chuckled, nodding and leaning forward until our lips met in a passionate kiss. Spencer's hands moved up to hold the back of my head as my arms flew to the back of his neck - our lips molding like they were meant to be. The time stopped, and nothing else mattered. I was there with him, and he was there with me.

That kiss sealed our complicity and love's declaration. A kiss that Cat Adams would never have the privilege of experiencing despite the many Pandora's boxes she tried to open.

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Spencer Reid’s Taglist (some of them don't work): @dreatine​ @nomajdetective @jayyeahthatsme @rosalinasam2 @averyhotchner @tvandfanfic​ @lovelyxtom @princessmiaelicia @pastelbabygirl19  @reidsbookclub @alexxavicry @gspenc @spencerreidisbae123 @calmspencer @thebloomingeagle @pauline5525mgg @maltamurdock @disaster-in-waiting @pebble-has-a-mirgraine @anamiad00msday @chlochlosworld @milivanili99 @laylasbunbunny @miaxx03 @leahblackk @missabsey

Pandora's Box Taglist (some of them don't work): @isisjen @marimorena06 @starlightskiss @wittlewowa @ladyofhellhounds @blogs-imagines-fanctionstories @logibearhockey1 @flowersownme @callsignwidow @regulus-black-223048 @l0v3e1i @lovejules888

[monpalace]

ships .. (skyward sword) link/reader, (linked universe) sky/reader

content .. what sky is like when he's in love, skyloftian culture regarding romance, and how miscommunication is inevitable when the two involved are from two differing cultures.

warnings .. miscommunication, but not in a dramatized way. written with linked universe in mind. they/them pronouns used for reader. i came back to this at different levels of tiredness, so a few thoughts left me and never came back (including the ending). not beta-read. remember the original ramble? ignore that.

notes .. based off this request, but i've never touched skyward sword aside from tauberpa's abridged videos, plus i wrote that original proposal thoughts while sleep deprived, so inaccuracies may or may not be present?? i focused on the romance/relationship culture of skyloft since i'm so unfamiliar with the game

but on the subject of feather proposal i think i got the original idea from cloudninetonine??? i truthfully don't remember because when it was first put in my head it felt like a fever dream

Sky had always been, and will always be, a hopeless romantic.

His Zelda, Sun, had shown him more than enough stories that included romance as they grew up. She had exposed him to just enough that it had molded and cast what he thought the perfect romance would, permeating his dreams with his other half and the blank spaces of his papers with what he could remember they looked like.

(For some time, Sun was all that he coveted. They had spent so much time together, he had felt as though she was The One, but after years of exploring his tastes, he had learned better.)

Loftwings had a large influence on Skyloft. Even someone taking their first step on the sky islands could tell.

Not only were they said to be borne from their rider's soul, destined to carry their Hylian counterpart through the waves of the wind; but they also mated for life, until the flames of their conjoined souls finally diminished.

Of course that would bear heavily on Sky's interpretation of romance (— alongside how a Loftwing's choice in mate more often than not influenced who their rider would choose to spend the rest of their days with, and how divorce between riders was often seen as taboo).

(But who was he to comment on that? He's soundly sure he and his other half would never part.)

On Skyloft, disposing all but one of a Loftwing's shed feathers was to be expected from residents once they hit puberty lest someone pick one up and get the wrong idea. Even those in relationships need to keep the habit to keep away suspicions of adultery.

Sky kept two of Crimson's feathers on his person at all times since he was a child.

One had been plucked from the plume of his head when they had first bonded as a sign that their souls were one and the same. It's always within sight of both himself and others, dangling freely from his left ear with the same amount of pride Crimson has when he soars through the air.

The other had naturally fallen from Crimson's breast not long after they had both matured. He keeps it close to his heart, tucked underneath his layers and layers of clothes, kept overtop his chest where his heart beats strongest by a form-fitting undershirt or a prick of his skin if it's something looser.

Because he's much better at working with wood rather than metal, Sky would always keep his whittling kit on him. It's not as large or extravagant as the one he keeps in his room on Skyloft, but it's small enough to fit alongside his other utilities without issue and he's able to use it just fine without any issue aside from the usual knick or two.

He always keeps the kit and a piece of raw wood on him in the event he meets his other half on his travels. He knows he wouldn't pop the question right after meeting them, but he doesn't want to be ill-prepared in case they ask for something.

Whether it be practical or for aesthetics, he's always willing to deliver the highest quality product.

Upon meeting the one he wants to spend the rest of his days with, Sky is a mess by his standards.

(It takes him weeks to determine whether or not he really wants to dive into the deep end and give his all to someone who may or may not like him— in a non-creepy way, of course. He knows better than to do most of what characters do when pursuing someone.)

He sleeps less, he and his items are constantly in order, and his usual appearance that screams “just got out of bed,” is cleaned up.

He strikes himself with the question of whether or not he should be this out of sorts when in love (no one in the stories he read was), but he accepts it.

If he were to find his dream person in his Hyrule where everyone knows him, it'd be obvious to everyone that he's interested in that certain someone.

If he were to find his dream person outside of his Hyrule with the other Links, it'd still be very obvious he was in love regardless of how long they'd been traveling together.

Prior to his supposed proposal, Sky would court his love interest with at least a gift a day; one every week or so if he's busy. It's always more intricate the longer he takes to finish.

The gifts are never something they have to imply they want. He takes what he hears from the grapevine and from what he's heard his interest said in passing and takes it from there.

On Skyloft, physical affection (both platonic and romantic) is an accepted practice because of how open Loftwings are to giving and receiving it with their riders.

Naturally, it carries on outside of the sky islands.

Sky had always slept closer to others than what was typically deemed acceptable. He gingerly knocks his head against those he considers family, grooms others when they have a leaf in their hair or wipes away a smudge on their cheek, presses kisses to their face when they look like they need it, and covers most of their body with his own when they speak of being cold.

Physical affection comes first nature to Sky, so he wouldn't put it past who he's interested in to think of it as them being good friends only.

The only thing is; he can't help but wonder whether or not he and the one he's been courting can consider each other more than friends.

There was no point in time either Sky or his interest ask to date or whether they were dating.

Eventually, their kisses drifted closer and closer to their lips, their hugs got longer and longer, and they had begun pressing against each other when sleeping to the point where almost melded as one.

When the time came Sky felt it was appropriate to propose, your response was lackluster, in his opinion.

You had said your thanks, held it up to yourself and asked if he thought it looked good on your person, kissed him on the cheek, and then went off to Wind because he usually had a colorful assortment of knick-knacks to decorate with.

Nothing else changes after that.

You still hold each other while asleep, you still walk shoulder-to-shoulder with each other with intertwined hands, you still press kisses to the other without shame, and you still accept any type of affection the other offers.

The only new thing is that, from his perspective, you're engaged and he doesn't know whether to feel giddy (you're engaged!) or anxious (did you even know?).

Whenever the topics of significant others, marriage, proposals, ideal type, and anything else relating to romance, during nights when everyone was tired and curiosity ran rampant, Sky's eyes are consistently drifting to you during the conversation.

When he brings up how riders present the feathers from their Loftwing's breast during one of those nights when the campfire is flickering down and it's hard to make out anyone's facial expressions, he knows something clicks when your eyes lighten and widen before relaxing.

You pull him away when the topic changes to Warriors and his stories of a younger Time (who swears none of them are true).

"You proposed?"

Sky has to lean in when you speak. Your voice is so low as though you were scared of the others hearing even though you were far enough you couldn't hear the belly laughs from the others.

And he returns the same energy.

"Not if you didn't want me to."

"I thought we were dating. Was the feather not supposed to be us making it official?"

"Dating?" It was a foreign concept in Skyloft. Most relationships went from courting to marriage. "Do you want to date?"

When you bite the inside of your cheek and shake your head, Sky watches as you finger the feather that hung loosely from your person. "We're already this far in. I don't see why we have to now; I just have a few questions of my own."

Sky answers all questions to the best of his ability. He's shocked that you aren't mad he swindled himself into a relationship (no less, a relationship), but he'll easily give you confusion.

Most of the other Links are asleep by the time you both return (Sky's halfway there himself) and those who are still awake know better than to say anything when they see the way you both wear your feathers in matching styles.

[ceiling-karasu]

I had a dream about one of the OCs I made a while ago (also murder mystery theater).

I know back in March I was discussing different AUs and OCs I could use for future projects, and I had a few issues with one that made me think I should axe that project, so I kind of put them on the wayside. (And hey, since we have been talking about neglecting certain OCs...)

My first problem was that I had four (fifth route scientist path absolutely not) different directions the AU hedgehog could go, but each way would require the OC to have a different personality and backstory. I wound up calling them Omelas, Yossarian (like Catch-22), POW, and Victorian mystery illness as placeholder names. Actual names would come much later. The other issue is that I later found out someone else had some similar ideas, but the ideas for each are different so I think it should be fine.

Either way, it was just a little too complicated to be viable, I thought.

But I had a dream this week that made me realize I could do all of the backstories and plots, if I split the one hedgehog into four different characters with intertwining stories.

Also, much more Flower Hill corruption than I originally had planned, but works out better.

It is kind of long, and only has basic ideas I want for the plot, so I'll put it under a read more.

Omelas

Some Flower Hill generals (or other high ranking position in the army) secretly invade some villages outside the borders of Flower Hill and abduct hedgehogs to pad their numbers. After all, the weasels will run out of bodies at some point, so they might as well throw some bodies that are not from Flower Hill at them.

Omelas is the child of a Korean/Ainu style village in which children are raised communally (and maybe girls aren’t given names until marriage, that is a regional thing in the past), and the hedgehog in question is just treated as an 'extra burden' since they are female. The area itself speaks a specific language dialect since it has been remote for generations, but the village head has been discouraging that.

The young hedgehogs are taken by the generals and sergeants, who mark them as Flower Hill hedgehogs trying to escape conscription, so no one asks many questions, especially since many of them can't give proper names, so other soldiers think they are lying. The military leaders involved get large bonuses for capturing deserters, as well as for how many conscripts they have under them, so two birds one stone.

Eventually, most of the other non Flower Hill hedgehogs die in battle, while the survivors plan rebellions behind the scenes.

Omelas, possibly as part of a ploy by the group to 'send a message,' causes a scene including destruction and threatening Flower Hill in the other dialect one day, that gets herself in trouble. The military police during the trial finds absolutely no record of her existing in Flower Hill before the army, which backs up the stories that had been going around, uncovering the corruption. The investigation unit that has to come in realizes that they now have an international incident on their hands if anyone finds out, and also if the records have been falsified, then there are an untold number of angry foreign hedgehogs planning a rebellion, and they don't know where they are.

Omelas is sent to work on a farm as punishment for the incident she caused, and also to keep them out of the way while Flower Hill tries to figure out what to do about the abductions (probably nothing, most of them are dead anyway, and it could be easier for the others to be written off as weasel sympathizers and ‘gotten rid of’), especially since the villages no longer consider the missing hedgehogs their own.

I kind of want her to be named after a mushroom. I really like the name Enoki/Enokitake, but that is a Japanese word, and it is Pine Mushrooms (songi beoseot) that are the major delicacy in North Korea, so I have to work on that.

But either way, she hates Flower Hill from the bottom of her heart, but also knows the weasels would kill her, so she has to bide her time and hope the rest of the survivors do their part.

Yossarian:

A young hedgehog from a family where each member has an impressive military career, especially in sniping (almost wondering if she should be related to Wonsi, my other hedgehog OC from a sniper family, but those AU ideas are not connected). When she was young, she found a sick and starving mouse child who had crossed the border and tries to help them, only for a squirrel friend a few years older than her to murder the child for being one of the enemy. Everyone praised the squirrel (possibly because they thought they might be next), who later went on to be a squad leader/general, which makes Yossarian question Flower Hill and why everyone outside needs to die, especially if they are too weak to be an issue. She doesn’t question the war or conscription in general, though, just why she has to do it.

Since she is an excellent sniper during conscription, her term limits keeps getting raised, and she is put in an 'exception' group. Like in Catch-22, this group can only end the conscription if they go on a set amount of missions, but that number keeps getting raised whenever they near the cap.

The leader of the group (I don't know military terms and commander seems to be wrong here) is the squirrel friend, who offers to let her out if she marries him in a televised wedding to show off Flower Hill's unity. At some point he forges paperwork saying that everyone in the unit has decided to stay in the military full time for another two years (have not decided if the 'exception group' explanation was a lie he came up with). Most of the group is happy that they did not have to waste the time filling out the paperwork, but others fall into depression, disrupting the unity of the unit.

Thus, Yossarian feels trapped and resents Flower Hill, while also feeling very protective of the few squad-mates she likes, and starts sniping enemy mice and weasels in the shoulders, in such a way that they can never hold guns again, but can still otherwise work. This earns her a reputation with the Weasel Unit. Killing someone brings no joy, but she finds it disturbing how excited she gets to wound someone, since it means they can finally be free, as she wishes to be.

But what would she even do outside of the army? Be a farmer? That would be disgraceful for the family, but can they really see themselves as being a part of the military or marrying the squirrel forever?

Finally, Yossarian snaps and assaults the commanders themselves when they call her in to send her on a long mission, screaming about the lies and false paperwork, which surprises and confuses them (also the squad mates who thought she was happy), because would have assumed she would be happy to work for Flower Hill in that way (oh, but there are a few like her every now and then, but they usually wash out earlier), but yes, that squirrel should not have done that.

He only gets a slap on the wrist, and Yossarian is 'diagnosed' with combat fatigue and stress due to expectations, but still needs to be punished, and is sentenced to work on a farm.

Meanwhile, a small investigation is started.

POW

A failed squirrel scout who gets captured and is a POW for a while before being rescued. But it is assumed he must have talked or turned, and is sent to a detention/re education facility instead to figure out what information they gave (he gave nothing). The detention facility actually does worse than what the weasels did to him, emotionally at least. Flower Hill was supposed to care about him, but they have completely betrayed him, and are not giving his injuries proper medical attention. Also, he is really afraid to go back out, considering everything he had gone through. Even the friends who are allowed to visit look at him as if they think he is weak and pathetic somehow.

He is not actually supposed to be in the detention facility. His commanding officer was a nepotism hire who accidentally gave him the wrong information, and then forged evidence of him being turning traitor to cover up his mistakes. Or maybe was even bribed by the weasel unit to give him over, and the rescue is a ‘problem’ for whatever deals he has going on if anyone looks too closely at the capture. No one in the facility questions the paperwork, though, and don’t explain anything to the squirrel.

This can go two ways:

POW eventually goes into sepsis from the injuries (maybe appendicitis, although really just humans, monkeys, possums, and rabbits who get that but hey, fiction?), and is only saved by the his old drill Sargent who was brought in to scream about what a disgrace he was, but recognized he was dying. That, or the facility gets raided by the Weasel Unit, and some enemy soldiers recognize him and appear so genuinely concerned about his health that he accidentally confesses and answers all their questions. Maybe both.

Or, he agrees to go back out on another mission so he can leave the facility. The handlers falsify some records to say he is fully retrained and recovered, but upon joining up with the Weasel Unit in disguise, has a panic attack and goes catatonic, which combined with his other health issues, freaks out the mice. The doctors turn out to be his original interrogators, who send him back because his reappearance in such a way actually answers the majority of the questions they had been asking about Flower Hill the first time they captured him, so they have no need of him anymore.

The workers could actually be fired or jailed for what they did to him, so they write it off as him developing sympathies for the enemy and helping them (perhaps albeit under duress) which nets him a labor sentence on a farm (especially if they spin it as he somehow brought the weasel unit to attack the facility and let them in). But his physical injuries linger, making it difficult for him to work, and there may be quite a few mental issues involved, which only gets worse as actual investigations begin and find him at the center of the turmoil. Also the drill Sargent starts asking a lot of questions.

Victorian Mystery Disease.

Basically a hedgehog with a failure to thrive issue. They have been sickly since birth with some sort of fatigue disorder, which everyone assumes is laziness. No matter how hard he tries, he cannot move very far without feeling exhausted and slowing down. Maybe some chronic pain issues as well.

Eventually he gets diagnosed as a malingerer, and as punishment to 'fix him,' he is sent to a farm to labor as punishment.

He is very upset about this, and has been frustrated his entire life with his inability to be 'normal,’ like everyone else.

Honestly, I’m kind of thinking Fibromyalgia. I’d didn’t expect to find this term when looking up symptoms as I was about to post, I was going to leave it open ended or give them regular anemia problems.

Murder Mystery

As I said in the original post, The idea for all of this came from when I was playing The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog the day it came out (those actual playtime segments were really stressful and made my mind jump around), and I did want a train to be involved at some point.

Which serves as a good meeting point for the characters, while they are being transported to the farm. They can't exit the train, so they are mostly allowed to roam free.

So, it could start en media res, which each of the four accidentally getting drunk at different points and bemoaning their problems. (Omelas because her guard suggested she tries a drink because she will never get the chance again, Yossarian to drown the stress and shame, POW to steady his nerves because he saw Weasel Unit soldiers, and Vic because it was an accident).

A bartender has the most horrifying night of his life, making him question his habits of getting strangers drunk to listen to their life stories, and briefly reconsider his alliance to Flower Hill.

A foreign reporter has the most fascinating day of her life.

The Poirot style international detective is very concerned.

Meanwhile, the train tracks have been switched, stranding the train in the snow, while several prominent people on board are murdered one by one, and the four are some of the prime suspects...

The Farm

The original plan was for the farm to be at the ocean. But that would provide too many opportunities to escape (although weasel unit infiltration would be easier). I am actually thinking of making the punishment farm be in Dol Jogagga, the rock carving/sculpting village I made up. After all, the sculptures are important for international relations, so they could use some help with the farms.

And they were roommates.

The four live in one small farmhouse together and farm what they can. They are told that if they can manage a certain amount of harvest several times in a row, then they can go back to the rest of Flower Hill.

They dislike each other either for being foreign or for being weak, but eventually heal and unlearn propaganda, maybe. Which is the opposite of what was supposed to happen.

So, basic farming, recovery, and slice of life in this village. Dol Jogagga is protected with enough sentries that there is almost no way to escape without them noticing. But they are remote enough to not stigmatize the laborers like the rest of Flower Hill. In fact, they are a little suspicious of the commanders, and can feel sympathy for the four, so are relatively nice to them, and try and help the best they can. Also remote enough to have their own dialect as well, which the four sometimes accidentally use, to the amusement of the villagers.

Maybe some enemies to lovers with Omelas and Yossarian. POW and Vic can just vibe as roommates and try and fix/understand their illnesses together.

Omelas learns that life does not have to be a tragedy and starts to relax a bit. Maybe starts growing mushrooms and starts a successful business. Everyone else learns to find farming very relaxing.

The corrupt investigative officers and other officers realize that the four are actually enjoying themselves, and people are asking too many questions, but cannot change the punishments because it turns out they got kickbacks from them in the first place. Plus, changing the punishments would bring even more suspicion upon everyone involved in the corruption plots, so they try and trick them into leaving on occasion.

Corrupt investigative officers/military police keep coming by to try and make the four confess to something since otherwise they know too much. Maybe sometimes Weasel Unit scouts do sneak into the village and shenanigans ensure.

Anyway, thanks to the hurricane, it has been raining for days here, and some parts of my area have been evacuated. I'm uphill, at least.

But it had me dreaming that it was a hazy, pleasantly humid, raining midday afternoon. The type of day when the chores are done, and there is not much to do. The hedgehogs and squirrel are cuddled up at the entrance way of the house, either drinking tea or mushroom soju, sliding door opened. In the distance, one of the nosy and aggressive investigators has arrived to harass them again, but since it was an unsanctioned visit, did not know the exact house, and are falling into muddy fields, getting further and further away.

It was very relaxing.

[redo-of-chii]

ʚ♡ɞ 𝓜𝔂 𝓔𝔁𝓹𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓬𝓮 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓢𝓟 𝓜𝓪𝓷𝓲𝓯𝓮𝓼𝓽𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 & 𝓝𝓪𝓻𝓬𝓲𝓼𝓼𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓲𝓬 𝓣𝓻𝓪𝓾𝓶𝓪 𝓑𝓸𝓷𝓭 ʚ♡ɞ

I think we can all agree that the sad reality of how many of us get into the law, it’s because of trying to manifest SP.��

I was no different. That’s why I really want to share my experience on how manifesting an ex changed my life perspective and ACTUALLY brought me my dream SP and learn about healthier relationships altogether. 

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(TW: Narcissistic abuse, mentions of fatphobia and ableism, mentions of mental illness that might be triggering, mentions of bullying.)

Very long post ahead, but after 3 reviews I think many points of this story were important. I didn't want to cut anything that could be valuable from my experience to other people dealing with similar situations.

Before I knew about the law, I was pretty much an insecure person and I admit that I put any kind gesture on a pedestal since I come from a household full of generational trauma. 

Because of that, I ended up in several relationships where I was involved in trauma bonds with narcissists since one of my parents besides having mental illness, was also a narcissistic person who was very superficial and you had to fight a lot for their love, attention and recognition. No matter what I did, it was never enough. If I rebelled, I got condemned for it and if I did just as told, it wasn’t ever enough anyway. In the end, I always ended up getting into relationships with people where I had to be the one fixing them or helping them then getting condemned if I didn’t follow whatever script they had in their head for me.

Discovering what codependency was and what a trauma bond was. It was a really painful experience at first and I blamed myself a lot for it. Especially because I thought that it was my fault that I got into something like that in the first place because I was starving for the love and attention of someone. I thought at first “maybe I deserve the love bombing in the first place”, but my mindset changed over time with both therapy and the law.

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I was in a LDR relationship for almost 4 years with the SP that triggered all of this, let’s call him Ex!SP. He was someone really insecure, an only child and had gone through something really traumatic that left him really depressed. When we started the relationship, I really helped him and supported him. I decided to try to help him as much as I could to help him through it until I fell ill and that triggered underlying health issues I didn’t know that I had.

From there, things went downhill and he showed his true colors the moment I couldn’t provide what he wanted out of me. He wanted someone to be his enabler and caretaker, he didn’t sign up to be THE ONE DOING THE CARING. It was always asking if there was a way to cure me and me being the person I was before. At first, it looked like concern but then comments about my health and weight were frequent since I gained weight due to not being able to move properly from the illnesses. As soon as things were clear and my issues were confirmed to be chronic, that’s where the verbal treatment was worse but love bombed me whenever I pulled back to get his attention and “physical relief” out of me, so to say. He then escalated to breakup threats so I would do whatever he wanted me to do until one day I was just so tired and I told him “Okay, sure. Let’s breakup.”

From there it was indifference, then celebrating his freedom, then panic contacting me and when I refused to bend to his demands, he would go into bouts of ignoring me then aggressively spam me. He also started manipulating our common friendships to make me feel isolated. But that was fine.

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I got into therapy and discovered the law. One of the common things about trauma bonding is how guilty you feel for standing up for yourself and I really panicked at first, especially because people were after me asking me why did I drop such a long relationship and that I should be the one supporting him emotionally since he’s the one with a lot of trauma.

I was baffled at first but one thing I learned both from therapy and the law, is about victim mentality and what truly a narcissist was. That’s where I discovered he was a covert narcissist and that he made a narrative around his trauma so people would feel sorry for him and give him anything he wanted. Even his own family became enablers of this and whenever he didn’t get whatever he wanted, he would weaponize his trauma. He tried to make me look like the bad guy even though I found out later things like micro-cheating, plots with other people to bully me, provoking reactions out of me on purpose to act like the victim, etc...

Still, because of the “hot & cold” pressure and the memories, I really thought I could manifest him back and change him into a better person. And sure, I could have done that because the law can do ANYTHING. But I really didn’t want that deep inside, it didn’t manifest because this really was not love. It was a trauma bond. It was mostly an addiction because I got too used to him due to being with him for such a long time.

It took me a long time to realize this. I manifested many impossible things and reached so many goals, it was like I was spoiled by some invisible force but this one thing really couldn’t be manifested. Sure, there were some times that Ex!SP showed the way I wanted him to show but as soon as that happened, he returned to his usual self. Then I realized that it was because I didn’t want him back and I sure didn’t want to deal with his family and these friends ever again. 

I manifest so many good things, even my dream job. Why would I even want that back? 

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I was just addicted to cortisol and trauma bonds. And not only I was trauma bonded to him, I was trauma bonded to the whole group of friends that were a gigantic red flag and an echo chamber altogether. So I worked a lot on myself and as soon as I put myself on the pedestal, things changed.

I lost 40 lbs, focused on myself and even with chronic illness, all of the blessings came to me. He even made that friend group go after me, probably out of jealousy since he really let himself waste down while I was thriving and that gave me the determination I needed to continue forward.

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Months later, I met two guys at a party. Let’s call them SP1 and SP2. The two of them really caught my attention, especially SP2. But SP2 did a bunch of jokes about his fave type of girl and that threw me off in the sense of “why bother going after someone if I’m not even their type” kind of thing. Later on he was even interested in one of my friends but I’ll talk later about it since that is another wild story.

SP1 asked me out and I agreed to give it a try since he seemed like a nice guy. He looked like a very kind and hardworking guy at first, but boy… I was so wrong.

SP1 really showered me with gifts and affection, but his words never matched his actions. He was never there for me and in the end, SP2 was the one that was always with me. Bit by bit, SP1 really became a reflection of the things I disliked at both myself and Ex!SP. He was really nervous, insecure, dependent, trying to get my attention and affection at whatever cost like my former self but he was a compulsive liar, irresponsible, tried to put his issues over mine and even tried to sabotage anything that would make stand out more than him yet he love bombed me with words and gifts.

Meanwhile, SP2 was going through something similar with a “friend”. This friend of mine was already in a relationship with someone but toyed with him because this friend is the type of person who dates someone because of status and if she sees someone “better”, she will go after them. She was (and still is) in a relationship with someone that has a good job, comes from a good family and spoils her. But she claimed he was really boring and that SP2 was more exciting and fun. So she began this game of having her dose of attention and excitement out of SP2 without committing to him because she really didn’t want to leave her current relationship because “the guy was too good to leave in stability terms compared to SP2 even though she adored SP2 and was ideal” just because SP2 is a humble person and didn’t fit her social standards.

I didn’t know what to feel and think between my friend and SP1’s actions. Still, I wanted to be there for SP2 as much as I could even if I had lingering feelings for him. I just didn’t want to get myself involved in any more drama or even look like I was being some sort of jealous friend. So I focused on manifesting my career and the focus on me when it came to my career, I was just so done with love drama that I decided that I would break with SP1 and just limit my interactions with SP2 because even if I had feelings and could manifest something about it, I was just so tired of emotional stuff and having my heart being “tucked and pulled” that I was just DONE. 

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Still, something happened. I decided to use subliminals again because I got into a mental break point where I said “I don’t even need love, I need power and probably that power will feed the attention I need and not go after dumb ass men who cannot even be consistent”. So I used a certain subliminal and that changed things for me.

I’ll go into detail about it in another post, but it was actually my first reality shifting experience and it was actually an accident triggered by a subliminal. But for almost 2 months, I shifted to a reality where things worked in another way and I was SP2’s beloved partner and I was treated with love, respect and full-on healthy attention. Through my travels to this reality, I realized what I really wanted in a relationship and I was going to get it.

I wanted to permashift to that reality very badly and I was so sure about it, that whatever SP1 and SP2 did in this reality just didn’t affect me anymore. In fact, I think it was the law, but SP1 started disappearing more and more, lying to me more and just behaving like a manchild that for some reason I always ended up with SP2 alone in places or talking for long hours. While the chemistry was there, I was just so in love with the SP2 in the other reality, that I wasn’t accepting any breadcrumbs. I already had experiences with breadcrumbs that were so painful that I kept saying “Lovely thing I experienced with you SP2, but not enough for me to stay especially if the microcheating friend is going to still be involved with you”. I did indulge in the experiences we had but I really didn’t want to put anyone on the pedestal and just keep having inconsistency. 

I realized with both therapy and the law that even with my flaws, I am wonderful and can get anything I want… So I only deserve the best of someone or just nothing. I am not going to waste my time anymore and I am not afraid to throw people out of my life anymore even if I feel the sudden anxiety and cortisol rush inside me at first. I wanted the SP2 from that other reality or just effing nothing. No less than that. I’m not that joke of a person anymore who would stay with someone putting up with mistreatment out of loneliness and insecurity.

I realized. If narcissists and people who claim that I’m a bad person still go after me, that means that I’m really valuable and they are just making me feel like nothing to use me like a puppet. I’m not a puppet, I’m the master of this reality and I will not tolerate being treated like a peasant when everyone is actually the ones dependent on me. I had the power from the start, as a person and a manifester. 

They are the ones missing out on me.

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In the end, because I persisted that I didn’t want anything less than the SP2 from the other reality, the 3D caught up to that and SP2 from this reality really became the person I fell in love with and embodied it. And in the end, after many difficulties, we started dating. I did tell him about the law and about the reality shifting, I even told him that I really want no less than true love and devotion from him like his counterpart. And honestly… I am really happy right now. 

The only issue we have is that we are currently in a long distance relationship since he lives 3 hours away from me. Communication is great, understanding is quite good, he really loves the same things as me and we take good care of each other without any weird power dynamic play or minimizing each other’s experiences and feelings. Apparently, he had a similar experience to mine when it came to Ex!SP and we have been trying to be each other’s supporters in our growth and healing. Plus, he has become a good manifester himself!

As for SP1 and the microcheating friend, SP1 is currently avoiding people because people are going after him for lying and illegal activities and the microcheating friend is desperate to get SP2’s attention but after she openly bullied me out of jealousy from the attention that SP2 was giving me even before we dated, he is not paying attention to her and people are avoiding her for her public outburst.

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With this, I just want to teach other people to please assess their feelings and experiences first before manifesting an SP who’s an ex back. I really encourage therapy, doing research about trauma bonds and even joining communities that are really helpful with your mental health journey before even thinking of manifesting someone back. Are you doing it out of pity? Out of loneliness? Out of memories? Is it because of social pressure? You have to ask yourself those questions first before even thinking if it’s worth it, especially if YOU CAN EVEN HAVE YOUR DREAM RELATIONSHIP. Don’t put your SP on a pedestal and don’t settle for less. 

And with all tough love intended, why cry over not having a text when you can have a man literally kissing your feet? Seriously. I know it’s tough having to try and fix yourself but if you do, your reality will fix itself as well as soon as you know for sure. You cannot have consistency from the law if you’re not consistent with your wants and needs.

I’ll talk about my shifting experience, toxic friendships that can hinder your manifestation journey and other things in another post. Thank you for your time and happy manifesting!

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꒰ Always & Forever — Chii ꒱

[actualbird]

4th anniversary card spoilers - I have so many questions and thoughts

- is the luke praying card set in a dream? Everything is floating which I find interesting (I wonder if it will be a flashback to when he got his diagnosis or something)

- there seems to be significance with the key. Luke never takes it off and now hes holding it in his hands. Maybe this is symbolism of accepting the past (and freeing himself from the “burden” aka the heavy metal key around his neck) and letting go. I’m sure he’ll still wear the key if this is true but I think symbolically freeing himself from his past trauma is nice

- obviously we don’t know the story BUT the last time luke and mc were in an aquarium it was to cure mc’s insomnia and a lot the story was alluding to Luke’s past. There was also a moment where luke is curled up in the corner when mc wakes up and it’s never really touched on after luke tells mc he’s fine. So maybe they go to the aquarium as part of the “freeing oneself from burdens” thing or to help luke if he’s not well physically/mentally. I hope he sees the jellyfish again and instead of being sad about their lifespan feels happier that they can live in the present (he literally talked about not dwelling on the past and living in the present in third anniversary and I was like “wow luke this is amazing growth!!!”

- if there’s a fight or conflict between luke and mc I hope they work through it together rather than luke leaving (as in what he did 1st anniversary). Because then it symbolises the growth and is really nice for him story wise. I’m down to see Aaron involved doing his “not a step dad but the dad that stepped up” stuff too!!!

- where is peanut!!!!!

- finally it’s not quite related to the anniversary but I’m still kind of sad they never really did much with the terminal illness/3 years part of luke that was so integral to him before mc and luke were dating. It looks like we’ll get it again but I hope they at least make it clear by saying “hey he IS ill but it isn’t terminal” because not only is this more realistic but we really don’t get much chronically ill representation in media, specifically dating games. Like Luke’s representation stands for a lot and I think there’s so much that can be done if they keep his illness a central part of his character!! (Think: MC takes care of luke when there’s a flare up and hey, maybe it results in a date being cancelled but the moral of the story is that love and care are more important!! Or MC and Luke go to the hospital for his routine checkup and luke brags because his ecg score is amazing. Or even luke having anxiety and doubts regarding his illness and they talk it over)

Sorry this is so long I had to word vomit my thoughts but TL;DR I hope it has the initial angst followed by comfort. Like eating something spicy and having milk to soothe it

i think it either might be a dream or it might be some kind of artistic rendition of his experience!!! because artem has a similar vibe to the 1st cg of his card, he is in the OCEAN

ohhhh thats an interesting take on the key!!! personally i dont think it represents burden, i think it represents rosa and his feelings for her because she was the one who gave it to him

what i DO think represents his past trauma and baggage are his NSB dog tags though, and they seem to be a key part of the story (since it was shown in the pv and is even his event badge) so im excited to see

YESSSSS I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE AQUARIUM, i hope returning there shows how much luke has grown, that he sees the place with a renewed perspective on his life

i really hope theres a fight between (i just love it when they butt heads JKBLSKJFLD) them but yES that they tackle it in a more mature way. luke has come a long way from anniv 1. also super down to see aaron in this card, i love aaron, i will never be not happy to see aaron

and ABSOLUTELY yes about how his illness was kinda forgotten for a while. aside from main story (which is an alternate timeline) and ssr dream of benji, his illness was just.....not brought up. im glad theyre finally FIIINALLLYYY bringing it back to luke's route, and im also in agreement with hoping that his illness transitions from terminal to chronic. the representation would be wonderful and it would be very very interesting to see how he and mc tackle it and love each other through it. also, your scenarios for this are so wonderful ;-;

im hoping for a delicious hurt/comfort anniv 4 card!!!

[adarkermiserablecrow]

I finally watched 6x11, 'In another life' and boy did some writer put their whole pussy into this one.

And I have Thoughts about this which I am gonna share with the class, because I have been crying/yelling at my tv/hysterically laughing for 45 minutes now, and if my neighbours are going to hate me, the least I can do is hop on here and be annoying.

It got really long and ramble-y so I'll put it under a cut.

1. Coma Buckley family: I think it's really interesting that, in the beginning, it's implied that the buckley parents dote on evan to daniel's detriment (''oh i didnt know you remembered he had a brother") but not neglecting him like they neglected Buck irl. Daniel seems well-adjusted, implied to be a caring doctor ("maybe you should listen to your patients") but also a bit aloof, oblivious (not noticing anything weird about doug - a bit more on that later). It does seem like a picture perfect family, on its surface, with bickering siblings and family dinners, but it sets up a very important theme that runs throughout the episode: this dream life, buck being a teacher and on good terms with his parents and having his brother be alive, comes at the expense of his ability to help. First and foremost, his ability to help his sister escape, offer safe haven, because in this reality he never left PA. And later on in the episode, people insist that he has the ability to fix anything in the coma, but that was disproved at the very beginning when he tried to help maddie and failed, and failed to get daniel to help. From the get go, we see that even in here, not everything is fixable, and we're told this later on as well, when bobby says 'you cant bring me back to life in this dream'. The point here is that at the beginning we're dealing with buck who wants the happy family he never knew as a child, the neglected kid who wishes his parents would be the kind of people that they were in the dream, happy and involved in his life. But at the end, having been through the rest of the dream, it's his parents in their new shiny caring version that try to hold him back, it's his parents dragging him down. But, this is his subconscious, so in reality, it's that wish of having a happy family and the resentment towars his parents that is dragging him down, and he recognises that, and he forgives them, because thats the only way he can move on, return to life. Many people complain about the parents' redemption, and maybe ill change my mind when i watch the rest of the season, but I dont think it was a redemption for them. It was all on buck, he forgave them, he chose to move past it, and let them into his life. In the end, back in the real world, his parents still don't really listen to him, when he says his apartment is fine, he does not need a couch. Buck tells maddie he doesn't mind them. That doesnt mean they're meant to have changed, Buck is the one who changed. And, the choice to go hard on the father/son dynamic with bobby, and buck telling daniel his family is different out there, adds a layer: he doesn't really view them as his parents anymore. He doesn't get hung up on it now, but he lets go of the idea that they would ever be the doting family he needed as a child, and recognises that he found that family elsewhere. He accepts them as people in his life, and rejects them as parents. It ties into Chimney's storyline with his own father, how Chim and Buck both move toward forgiveness, and it also ties back to the sperm donor storyline and the argument between chim and buck's fathers. The point of the buckleys' 'redemption' is that buck forgives, even if he does not forget.

2. Buck's other fixes: it has been established that this all happens in buck's subconscious. The way he slowly realises the impact his life has had on others is just... The starting point is maddie and yeah I said that already, but then he finds chim and hen pretty much the same, and he assumes the only person he's ever helped is maddie. But then he finds out about bobby and eddie, and it occurs to him for the first time ever that he helped them too, got them out of a tough spot. It's not a sure thing that things would have turned out that way in buck's absence, but the point here is for him to realise that he helped, he was needed. It's particularly strong with Bobby, who appears like a little psychopathic gremlin in the dream, drinking here and there and guzzling down pills, and essentially tells buck that, in the dream, he can fix almost anything. And it all snowballs into buck realising he helped bobby, essentially by annoying him. And it's so important that at the end of the 'i made you mad and i made you laugh sometimes' speech, bobby calls that 'being buck', because it's essentially saying that buck helped bobby just by being himself. Again, this is the way buck's mind conjures it up, but it's no less important that he comes to the conclusion that being himself was enough. That he doesn't need to be someone else to help the people he loves (and to me that sentiment calls back to s4, him climbing that crane to protect everyone, and bobby saying that's who he is - not a compliment).

3. Eddie. This part may be the buddie shipper in me getting high on copium, but I think eddie's absolute absence from the dream was connected to him never stepping foot in buck's room irl, except to bring in chris. I mean, in the coma buck was with chim, irl chim is by his bedside. Coma, he's talking with bobby, irl bobby has busted out the rosary beads. It wasnt a hard rule as far as I can tell, though we know buck had some awareness of the room and the goings on, he could hear them (thats why i think the copium might play a part in this paragraph). But also, it feels so important that the people who tell buck explicitly to come back and get better are essentially proxys. Athena on behalf of bobby and Chris on behalf of eddie. And, in the coma, Eddie does not physically appear, but he is the first flash of irl buck remembers (not chim, but eddie's 'go get em') and also, of course, the last 'fix' of buck's, bringing the total of people he helped in a big way to three: maddie, bobby, and eddie. Doesnt really tell us anything about buddie, but it does reinforce the strong relationship between the characters, platonic or not. (Also, eddie 'pain is weakness' diaz crying even a single tear in public feels like a Big Thing).

4. Daniel. Honestly? The chase in the end of the episode and the subsequent argument between buck and daniel (who, yes, is also buck, but ill keep calling daniel to avoid confusion) might be one of my favourite scenes in the entire show. Maybe one of my favourite scenes in any tv show ive watched. First off, that part of buck represents essentially every self worth issue he has. It's the part of him that is the most broken, tells him he isn't needed, isn't wanted, he's spare parts that turned out defective (a sentiment buck has expressed out loud in s4 and it was the 118 reassuring him he is much more than spare parts). And all of this stems from buck's childhood, so it makes sense that it took on the appearance of daniel, since daniel was the source of it all, through no fault of his own, even long before buck knew of his existence. It's daniel's death that brings on the grief that swallows the buckleys and leads to buck's childhood being the way it was. Things would have been different had daniel survived, or so buck believes. Beyond that, daniel's ignorance of maddie's situation reflects on buck blaming himself for not seeing that his sister was suffering (which buck even says out loud in the kitchen scene in this episode). And, when the switch flips, daniel becomes buck, the part of buck that is broken and hateful not to others but to himself, buck borrows a lesson from bobby and manages to break free of his own low self worth. I dont think thats the end of that, but buck's jourmey this episode was all about realising that he is needed, so he could look in the mirror in this scene and say no, you're wrong, they don't want me gone, they care about me. And, as someone who deeply relates to having that voice in your head, and to buck in general, it's so powerful to see a character manage to overcome that. It's so powerful to see buck, textbook people pleaser that he is, realise that he's talking to himself and say 'oh you're me. I dont have to feel bad about not listening to you', and use the first real artifact of firefighting we've seen in the coma dream to break free and return to his life, his real family. And, oliver stark's acting in this scene, whew - buck being confused and emotional but still relentless in pursuing his goal, and the other buck being cold and cruel and also relentless in his insistence that he is just not worth it, not needed. Just - chef's kiss. I cant really explain how much that scene spoke to me, because it is tangled up in how much I relate to buck as a character, and thats a whole other can of worms.

5. Random things. I appreciated that the traumatic events that happened to buck over the course of the show were at least acknowledged. Given that most of the other characters (barring chim, I think) have had storylines about dealing with trauma, it's a bit glaring that buck never really did. Sadly, I think it's too late for that now, aside from if they do something with the lightning going forward. But I am glad they were mentioned, because the man went through a bombing and a tsunami within six months of each other, and it was never really talked about. The bombing led into the lawsuit plot and then was resolved, and the tsunami trauma storyline was about chris (not complaining, it's just how it was). I do wish those traumas had been explored, but I really do think we're past that point and am happy we're at least acknowledging them. (Also, the implication that the tsunami left him so deeply traumatised that it's present in his parents' coma house, supposedly a safe haven from everything real, as a ferris wheel that 'doesnt fit with anything' because trauma stands out in your mind, im-).

Another thing is the lighting, the cold, grey hues of the real hospital, versus warm colour in the coma dream which gradually gets colder the closer buck gets to waking up, and the return of warm lighting in the end, when buck wakes up in the hospital and his family is there to see him. Also, people irl dressed in drab, muted colours, vs. the characters in the dream being more vibrant, esp buck in that green sweater which btw was a gold star choice from the costume department.

Basically everyone put their whole pussy into this, from the writers to the crew to the actors, and while it's not the only time this has happened, I'm really glad it did.

The end. Pretty much. Ive probably managed to forget some things, and maybe I was Captain Obvious abour others, and wrong about some, but this episode made it right to the top of my list of favourites right away, and it'll probably keep me up tonight lmao. Thanks for coming to my TED talk, hope it made sense.

[dustyy-angel]

Ahhh I think you're one of the best persons!

Um im mad that im being ignored. That im being valued as less important.

Idk it just makes me feel like nessie all over again like that I had found this super cool person and come to find out she/they idk know we're stringing me along for years and hated me and was telling other friends all these lies about me and it hurt bad and like the messed up thing is there's times I still miss them and want them back even though they're toxic and after more a year and I was like oh ill never fall into that again and all the newsies people are great they would never do what happened with nessie or brenden dbsvx idk im just hurt and sad and bring irrational probably

Anon you are literally one of my favorite people and I don't even know who you are yet haha :)

And ya know anon, I actually went through something very similar to that start of last year. (Bit of a rant below to cut)

I had this big friend group and it was my 3 best friends and my boyfriend and then like 5 or 6 other people who I was also really close to and then one day my best friends girlfriend moved to our school and started causing lots of trouble with our group and I tried to fix everything as much as I could and it worked out fine for a few months and then one day out of no where the entire group just "decides" that they don't want to be my friend anymore and they all sent me these long texts with all the reasons I was apparently a bad friend and giving examples of things that literally never happened and even sending fake screenshots claiming they were from me when they weren't and I lost literally every friend I had including my boyfriend in like a 4 day period.

It really really fucked me up but I also sometimes find myself missing them and wanting to apologize to them and beg them to be my friend again even tho they all ended up being terrible people. I still have dreams (more like nightmares) involving my ex pretty often and it's just really sad because he was literally perfect all the way up until that final few days :(

But yes I'm sooooo glad that I got on Tumblr and found there was an actually active newsies fandom because everyone here is so lovely and I've met so many good and cool people like you on here <3

[honourablejester]

Rat friends are forever friends.

I had an interesting dream last night. The details have gone a bit blurred on me after waking, but the essence of it was … a con? I think a con, I can’t quite remember what the intended/promised result was going to have been. I don’t remember how it started or what was meant to be gained by all involved. I just remember how it finished.

Three conversations, that the … character, I suppose, that I was inhabiting … had with the other three erstwhile members of the ‘team’.

The first was a woman, very cold, and concerned in an icy sort of way, warning him/me to be careful. We’d successfully inserted her into a position of power. Actually, I think that was the underline point of the con, though I don’t think it’s what we’d been sold on. We were supposed to get her in. Once we had, though, we couldn’t be her concern anymore, because she’d been put there for a purpose, and she had much bigger, more dangerous things to be worried about. We’d put her in to start taking down something that was a threat to all of us. There was, very much, an implication that regardless of anyone’s feelings, good or ill, we likely wouldn’t be seeing her anymore, unless things went very wrong, or very right.

Which was why, I think, she wasn’t overly worried about having cheated two of us, myself included. She was confident that either I’d understand what it was for, or that she’d shortly be somewhere I couldn’t do a whole hell of a lot about it. Which, as it happened, was fair. And why she’d spoken to me, and not the fourth member of the team. Which I’ll get to in a second.

The second conversation was with an older man, a slim, good-humoured, ratty sort of dude. And this one, this is the one I remember, that stuck with me out of the dream and kept it in my head. He’d gotten the money. She’d gotten the power and the actual point of the mission, and he’d gotten the money. He was cheerfully planning to leg it to another country and leave the rest of us to manage however. I think I suspected that she and him were old friends, and that getting him the money and getting him out before whatever she was involved in went down was at least part of the point. They’d cheated us, the pair of them. Left me and our fourth in the dust. But he was so friendly about it. Not in a false way, but in sort of compartmentalised ‘business is business’ sort of way.

He wanted to know if I’d be okay once he ran. I said I’d be fine, I had a friend to help me. He was delighted, wanting to know if that meant I’d properly hit on a lady we’d met during the con. Actually, I’d properly hit on the killer for a rival team we’d beaten to the punch. He was doubly delighted, not least because it meant I’d actually have capable protection. He apologised for leaving me to tie up loose ends and sort myself out, but he’d never doubted I was capable.

And then, he made an offer. A friendly, entirely genuine offer. If I needed to bug out later, and so long as I wasn’t trying to kill him, I could look him up. He’d give me somewhere to land. Because the job had involved leaving me in the lurch, but that was just the job. He figured we were friends, so if I needed it down the line, he’d give me a place to land.

Because yes, he was the biggest rat in this mess, but he was a rat friend, and rat friends are forever.

And then he bugged out, and she climbed her deadly tower, and they left me to tell the fourth member, the killer of our team, that they’d done so. Leaving us with nothing.

Because they’d been planning, friend or no friend, to leave me to deal with the loose ends. Whether that meant killing him, or getting killed, or finding my own way out of the mess.

As it happened, our killer was tired, and largely not surprised, and willing enough to just sit and commiserate about it. I hadn’t ever planned to even try to kill him, and probably he’d known that, so he wasn’t going to take anything out on me. But still. They hadn’t known that, though they likely could have guessed too. They’d left me very much in the lurch. Carrying the bag.

And, for whatever reason, I didn’t mind.

Rats or no, they were rat friends. And rat friends are forever.

Sometimes I very much enjoy my brain. It tells me stories in the form of dreams, a lot. I loved the tone of this one. This sort of weary ‘what can you do?’ vibe, in a world where betrayal is inevitable, but not necessarily cruelly meant. The job is just the job, and the rats are friends as much as they’re capable of, and that friendship matters regardless. Heh. Maybe more so, because you know the betrayal wasn’t cruelly meant, and it doesn’t mean help is forfeit in the future.

So, yeah. Sometimes your friend is a dirty rat. But that’s all right. He’s a friend regardless, and rat friends are forever. Heh.

[qvirkycrxxtvre]

it’s weird, May has a lot of personal holidays but in specific today is my ex DaddyDom’s birthday.

I don’t intend to make regular posts but I do find myself thinking thoughts and needing to vent them somewhere. This blog is pretty anonymous idk might as well ramble here

Tumblr is where I come to read fantasy and listen to the occasional audio. It’s wild to me that some of y’all get to live and experience your fantasy’s IRL. Idk. I’m possibly jealous?

I had my chance at that, the relationship rooted in a sexual fantasy. I was 18. I didn’t go through with the dream of forever with him. By 19 I was so so hard headed and unable to free myself from my biological Father, my online DaddyDom and I ended in flames.

“We are the poster children of why the severely mentally ill should not be allowed to date the public” being a direct quote

I wouldn’t actually be able to have a boyfriend or move out of my Father’s backyard shed where he kept me until I was 23. My current husband had to rescue me from there.

I’m 26 now. My husband takes care of me. I am thankful. I know there are husbands like my Father. I will never leave my husband and have committed myself to this lifetime to him.

I have given him one child. It’s too expensive to have another… and also incomparable.

My husband not only has a low sex drive but he also has erectile dysfunction so whenever we do get the chance, it’s for about 30-45 seconds of thrust before he blows. No foreplay to make the best of it, we just have me read things until I’m ready.

I’ve never had an orgasm with another person involved. I had my own issues orgasming by myself and my husband being completely inexperienced also has not aided.

That’s fine, I don’t consider myself someone who needs sex to feel loved. I know what I signed up for when I chose my husband.

Tumblr just brings forefront the ideas of like

I’m losing out on my childbearing years. I think about the family my DaddyDom and I dreamed of. I think about how there’s men on here seeking that kind relationship.

Tumblr has also awoken new fantasy’s in me. One’s where I wouldn’t be to blame when finally living the dream. Kidnapped, kept secret to breed by Daddy at home.

If I’m ever discovered it’ll be joyous because I wasn’t a woman who ran away, I’d be a victim. It wouldn’t be my fault for the trauma my disappearance caused.

Just for a few years. Until I can’t have babies easily in the same bed we made them anymore.

Sorry my ramble gump had faded and imma take a nap. Fuck it. I’ll post this. The thoughts are incomplete but they’re there.

[nicegaai]

Ch 7:

(i ragequit halfway thru rereading this chapter bc i decided i hated it and everything in the world and etc <3 its literally fine tho. im going to finish this reread bc i said i would and i WILL. and i keep daydreaming ab this universe lately. i miss them.)

Ohhh this is where I took a big break between chapters and I was never sure the flow between them made a ton of sense… idk I guess because the two of them had a good talk and then immediately Emil dreamed about sucking oniichan off…..

Ohh this is so silly… Emil my boy.. this is so awkward for sig what are u doooooing <3

HMM. There are edits I want to make here. I didn’t need the last sentence. I used to like it, now I don’t . :/

OH!!!!! I did write Leon into this!!! Id forgot! I had several scenes with him i cut out bc I just didn’t want to write them..

ohh my god I duplicated a whole paragraph. This has all just been an elaborate exercise in embarrassment. I can’t believe I got away with this.

Wow </3 if u think about it, Sig wanting to fuck Emil sooo bad actually saved him from the gay incel lifestyle. It could have been so much worse for my boy <//3

Oh. The transition made me gasp. Gagged me a bit. Get it boysss. Wild Fucking Scene between these three. Idk what to say to this. Op you have problems.

Another error to edit :-/

CRAP DUDE I LEFT IN NOTES THAT WERE FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DID I NOT SEE THAT. I can’t take it anymore im so madddddddd 

Actually this whole chapter is my least fav yet. SIGHH. I wanna go in and edit dialogue again bc this just. ughh. Ive changed I could do him better this time

(I actually walked away here for like 4 hours. Maybe im just at the anger stage of grief. )

Ok forget Sig, Berwald would not say that either. What is any of this? Why is any of this. Mannnnnnn get me out of here!!!!!  Haha wait I can just skim read. Its fine.

(It was not fine. I rage quit again and started again the next day.)

IM SORRY FOR THE NEGATIVITY ALL OF A SUDDEN I don’t know what my problem is. It’s Sunday now, back at it. Im gonna finish this reread TODAY so I can START WRITING !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hm yeah this scene really didn’t play out as well as I hoped it would. I wanna throw up and cry but its good im good its good I am good … Its not good and I don’t know why it not being good is fucking w me this bad lmao

(RIGHT HERE is where i quit for like a month and im back again let's see if i freak out a third time<3)

so i guess this is why books go thru multiple rounds of edits. i understand now. writing is a mess and i came at this thing overconfident i could hammer something out on the fly,,,,,,,,

i will allow myself to go in and do rewrites and scene rearranging and such AFTER i finish the last chapter ONLY. thats my new motivation to finish this. and i will finish it. i will. i say this bc i really do fucking hate this scene and i want to do something violent to it in the rewrite phase sooo bad ill tear it to bits ill kill it dead #positivethinking

actually fuck this its my reread. i dont HAVE TO read this scene. aaaaand skip (<- liar who continues to skim and cringe)

ok scene over i lived. back to my darlingbabyboybabybooboobear

it was a mistake to involve characters that i dont want to throttle and soak in milk and slam against the wall. the writing only gets good when iceland is there i think & the rest is filler. the quality fr jumped about 3 levels this is so funnyyyyyy. im not hopeless after all ...!!

im going to squeeze emil until his head pops like a zit

im going to scream i m going to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD ARE THEY FUCKIN IN THIS CHAPTER? OH MY GOD ARE THEY? WAIT THERES STILL LIKE 1/3RD LEFT TO GO I DONT REMEMBER THIS ARE THEY GONNA --

im only getting more intrigued. what is this. whats happening. are they fuckin or nah

i love typos theyre eachand every one my special little friend *shaking w barely contained rage(

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i do not remember where this is going but i hope they fuckin oh my god oh my god im kickin my feet and gigglinggggg aiigieieghhghe

hes a nervous little thingg ...... uwa.. moé ... <333

this is stupid and indulgent but i live for emil reacting to things.

make another edit here i think emil could be reacting cuter. future me, make the gayboy MORE moe please tttthnak you

i made a stupid noise when they kissed im weak i a m a weak man. also i knowwww they fuckin now but i dont trust that the sex is going to be well written i know it wont be.

already i am disappointed. and i know why cuz i can feel exactly where i struggled w the eroticism of the peenus and im reading this like. yeah i didnt enjoy writing that and its coming across to the reader alright. or to me at least with my criticism goggles on. god the next few chapters are going to be so much worse. but i think i can make it work. theres. i have. ..im seeing visions from fujoshi jesus

oh no i squee'd .. theres not another word for it. AHH!!!! i fucking squee'd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ]IM KICKING M Y FEET AND STUFF WHAT denice got me rolling around schoolgirl style . im a full on mess i love them sm ,THIS IS SO SILLYYYYYYYY I LOVE THEMMMMMMMMMMMMM WHAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im actually enjoying this so much i love denice.....

BWAHHHGHHH

EAUEGHAEUEGAHGAEHGA

projection in my fanfic? nooo neverr,

HES SOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE EMILLLLL BABYYYYYY I WUV UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

kicking my feet again aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

fav chapter ending ive ever written in anything ever. so good. what a horrible piece of shit i hate him. i hate all of this. something something my twisted mind. one more chpater ill read idk tomorrow maybe the next day.....well goodnight

im attempting my fic reread today. im announcing this bc i will be liveblogging to keep my morale up, NOT THAT anyone cares but i personally need this, like ill only commit to do the thing if theres an imaginary audience holding me accountable. & i like to have fun :3

anyway. captains log, its a beautiful sunny july weekend. i just finished my morning coffee, and, i am dreading this so much. i dont like rereading my own writing but i shall get over it. ok here we go.

Þetta Reddast vagueblogged directors commentary edition

Ch 1:

*opens fic and starts convulsing immediately* god i wish i smoked weed rn. i cannot chill out ever for the life of me

My Mission For Today Is: to remember what plot threads I’ve left hanging so I can resolve this story properly. And also try n remember where the flow is going. I have the end plotted out, I just am a little lost … it’s been a while :-(

------------

Abrupt beginning!!!! I’m not mad because I have . I HAD. Almost no writing experience when I started this. it isn’t ideal but I refuse to be one of those fanfic writers that starts rewriting early chapters without finishing the last ones. Ive never seen one of those types actually finish a longfic. …I’d already rather yap than actually read LMAO AHH

Oh this is worse than I remember. thats cool that s great ok alright *coughs up blood*

"20 somethings" WOW I really did not know where I was going with this when I started huh

LKJSDLKSJDLGKGDJSLDGJK ??? Who authorized this. Who let me cook. What the hell

I could write this better now. I could edit this into something beautiful. <- devil on my shoulder

FORGOT I WAS MAKING RICE BRB

"generously offered nothing to the exchange." wait STOPPPP. I’m so funny

GRAMMAR ERROR DETECTED why is there two periods. I’ll be coming back to fix that …………………. :-(((

Fuck. This is a lot. Marge Simpson Hiding Her Face dot Png

Oh this is stupid this is gayyy this is fukcinnn . Who fucking did t his. What was wrong with me,. This is so good actually. what was i ONNNN. 

Im gonna throw up and I don’t know if thats like/. A complimentary thing or if im just cringing that hard . Im feeling emotions. I love my OTPs..OT3~5? I love them so so much

Ok as much as im like “eww bad writing” this is .. dare I say, rly good in places. Not to suck my own dick but maybe all hope isnt lost and imposter syndrome is an illusion

Grammar mistake #2. Goddddddd. they should ban me from the archive for this

EMILLLLL EMIL EMIL EMIL HIIIIII BABYYYY EMILLL I LOVE UUUU AWWHUUGHH everyone clap for my bewoved baby bruvver right FUCKING now

Urghhh gritting my teeth… Im fully expecting the flow of events to start not making any gd sense. There’s no way this came together the way I hoped in my head and .... For real I was never able to read this all the way thru. this is my first time, lol. and it was all disjointed on the authorial end to say the least. Im scared T-T

Jlxjvklsdkjfsjlkdkjlsjklkljzsdkjlgaskljdgjklasljkgdljkasljkdgjklasjlkdgljkaskljdgjakl?????????? 

Im not liking the ratio of dialogue to whatever the other stuff is. scene-setting I guess. prose maybe. i could have dragged this out way longer... By which I mean made it a more satisfying read. But WHATEVER !!!! 

TIMO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TIMOOOOOOOOOO NUMERO UNOOOO DO MUNDOOOOOO I really need to utilize him more. As soon as I finish this fic I need to write a Timo POV spinoff where he gets cancelled on furry twitter for proshipping in real life

Hmmmm chapter ending didn’t hit as hard in practice as it did in drafts. Oh well. God damn that was a lot to happen in one chapter LMAOO???

OH SHIT MY RICE IS STILL COOKING —— 

[arosebyan0thername]

Wow found a fanfiction I started writing when I was 16 and the entire premise was pretty much just the two characters deciding theyd each kill themself if the other died?? Can I get a yikes in the chat boys

[jupitermelichios]

So I’ve been playing a lot of skyrim lately, because it’s video game comfort food, and I decided it was time for my Redguard Dovahkiin to settle down. (Actually I specifically just wanted to be able to adopt some of the random orphans you meet because I felt guilty about them, but you need to be married before you can do that so that there’s someone at home to take care of the kids while you’re off galivanting).

So I travelled around a bit, chatting up likely looking npcs until I found one I both liked and didn’t feel guilty about marrying (I feel bad if I marry one of the warrior adventurer types, making them be a stay at home mum) and settled on an obnoxiously cheerful argonian called Shavee because her life was frankly shit, and I thought she’d probably be good with kids.

So off I go to Riften to the Temple of Mara to arrange the wedding. I book it in for the next day, realise I didn’t bring anything nice to wear, and spend the night before the wedding robbing every house in the city in the search for something to wear. Eventually decide everyone in Riften has terrible fashion sense and break down everything I stole into raw materials and use them to craft myself an outfit and some jewellery that i’m pretty happy with. I even carefully pick out my fanciest looking sword to wear.

(don’t know why I bothered, frankly, shavee turned up wearing a shirt covered in suspicious stains and weilding a pickaxe, it’s like she doesn’t even care about this marriage)

(also for comedy purposes, bear in mind I play with survival mods that mean my character needs to eat and sleep to live, and I literally spent the entire ingame night on this and forgot to eat and drink anything either and then just downed four bowls of wolf stew right before entering the temple so I didn’t starve during the ceremony. also I discovered during the wedding that I am dying of rockjoint, which I contracted from sleeping in a pile of hay on the floor of a skeever infested cave, so even being six foot tall and jacked can’t make up for the fact that I am exhausted, running a fever, and probably covered in wolf which I spilled because my joints are slowly atrophying, and even the fanciest clothes in the world aren’t going to cover that up)

so I enter the temple, and my finance is there, and Lydia my housecarl, and some random NPCs the game thinks are my friends because I did fetch quests for them

One of the random NPCs is Lisbet. Atfter I did her fetch quest, I then did another quest in which I discovered Lisbet is secretly a cannibal and part of a demonic cult that worships the daedric prince of decay by kidnapping priests, sacrificing them, and then eating their corpses. Raw. I think the raw meat is the sticking point for me here honestly.

I ultimately decided not to sacrifice the random priest to a daedric prince in exchange for one magic ring and all the raw human I could eat, because frankly, that doesn’t sound like much of a deal to me. I was expecting there to be some kind of dialogue choice where I could nope out at the last minute, but it turns out there isn’t one, so after they drugged the priest and tied him to the altar, I just got out my sword and started swinging.

I killed most of the cult (including the town butcher, because I had brought meat from him before and was extremely pissed off that he might have been secretly feeding me humans) but a couple of them got away, which I figured was fine because they weren’t trying to kill me.

Except it turns out, if any of them escape, then every time you see them in the future there’s a random chance that they’ll fly into a violent rage and try and murder you.

Lisbet is at my wedding. Lisbet decides that clearly me marrying this random argonian woman with two lines of dialogue is the happiest day of my life, and she cannot allow me that happiness, when I’ve taken so much from her.

So she tries to kill me. Only she can’t, because I’m stuck in a pre-rendered wedding animation, and also she’s sitting next to Lydia, my faithful retainer and owner of a really big axe.

It also turns out that Lisbet is essential, meaning she can be knocked unconcious but not actually killed because she’s needed for some quest or other. And the minute she wakes up from unconciousness, she tries to kill me again, so Lydia knocks her unconcious again, and I’m stuck, I can’t move, because I’m supposed to be in the wedding animation.

Except Shavee has, not unreasonably, see all this and decided that she doesn’t like me enough to risk getting murdered, and has done a runner, leaving me at the altar, but more importantly, leaving me trapped in a broken pre-rendered animation, so all I can do is stand there at the altar, staring at the space where my fiance was supposed to be, listening to the sounds of Lydia trying and failing to beat a cannibal to death behind me.

Okay, I think, clearly this wedding isn’t going to happen, I’m going to go for the registry office option and complete the wedding using the dev commands. I do this. The priest gives me a wedding ring, and I can finally move again. I chase after Shavee, who has an impressive turn of speed on her, and eventually catch up right by the city gates. I try to talk to her.

Apparently using the console has completed the wedding for me, but not for her, because she still only has the same 2 lines of dialogue she usually has.

Clearly this is working, I can’t leave my kids with someone who can only say 2 things and doesn’t even know she’s their mum, that’s irresponsible.

I try loading from inside the temple. I get the same problem.

Eventually I figure out that I need to use the dev controls to disable Lisbet’s entire existence in the universe.

Shavee and me get married. As the priest reads the vows, I stare at Shavee and wonder why she couldn’t even be bothered to put on a clean shirt. I wonder what kind of mother she’ll be.

Once the ceremony is over, and I’m happily married to the dirty green lizard of my dreams, and we’ve agreed that until I can make her recognise my extremely nice modded house exists I will share her single bed in the unheated flophouse in Windhelm she calls home, I re-enable Lisbet, because I’m worried I’ll forget if I leave it too long.

Fun fact about skyrim, it loads in quite a lot of npcs and objects by dropping them from the sky. I have no idea why this is the case, but it’s objectively the funniest way to load in objects.

I re-enable Lisbet. She falls from the sky, clips through the roof of the temple, and lands in the pew beside Lydia, stands up, draws a knife, and is immedately beaten unconcious.

I no longer care, because Shavee now has all the exciting new spouse-only romantic dialogue options like “Could you cook something for me” and “have you made any money lately”, and I know she’ll be a great mother.

I limp to the door of the temple, while around me the guests not involved in the Lydia-Lisbet murder cycle scream and duck for cover.

I open the door to the temple, immediately collapse and ragdoll down the steps, which is how I discover I am dying of rockjoint.

I limp to the orphanage down the street, adopt two kids, and then finally remember that I’m carrying garlic bread, which as we all know, cures all known illnesses.

When I emerge back into the street, full of the joys of motherhood and garlic bread, I find the town in disaray. Lydia is chasing Lisbet through the streets with an axe and a dragon is circling overhead, burning npcs to death. People are running for shelter, screaming, while the guards try to take down an entire dragon using only the worst bows and arrows in the game.

I decide that as a parent, I have to think of my own safety first and leave them to it.

I head out of the city, intent on returning home and figuring out why Shavee refuses to move in with me. A man hanging around the stables challenges me to a boxing match. For want of anything better to do, I agree.

Halfway through the fight he dodges at the wrong moment and I punch one of his horses in the head.

Two guards attack me while I desperately try to surrender. My kids will miss me, but I’m prepared to go to jail for my horse crimes, I’m an honest citizen. Also my horse crimes seem somewhat less important than the dragon.

The guards refuse to accept my surrender. I am stabbed to death. As I collapse in front of the indifferent horse, Lisbet exits the city, followed by Lydia. The last thing I see before I die is Lydia swinging her axe at Lisbet’s face.

[wheredidhiseyebrowsgo]

Don’t know if you’ve been asked this before, but do you know any sterek mental institution/ eichen house fics?(preferably where they’re both admitted there or meet there but any is fine) thank you! :)

Yeah.

Asylum by Rollyzen

(1/1 I 1,067 I Not Rated)

Schizophrenia. That's what the "doctors" said he had, and once you have a name and an illness, no one listens. Except maybe the hot nurse who's possibly a werewolf.

they were watching (while we froze down below) by rlbcaged

(1/1 I 2,521 I Not Rated)

Derek gets lost in the routine of watching the man’s hollow cheeks, his paper-thin wrists, and the dark blue crescents hugging up to his eyes. The way one bony hand lifts his spoonful of oatmeal to his mouth without shaking in the slightest, while the other occasionally taps a rhythm into his sweatpants-clad thigh. One finger lifting and falling, then the other, repeating the cycle until they’ve all tapped. Then he does it over again. It took Derek a long time to realize the man was counting his fingers.

Derek watches the man. The man watches him right back.

Roses, Begonias, and Very Bad Escape Plans by Sleepyspacesocks

(5/5 I 10,067 I Mature)

Stiles is a magical plant boy who gets sent to the Eichen house after a disaster involving the Nemeton. There he meets Derek who can't stop thinking about his new roommate. Together with Isaac and Boyd the two of them find a pack and plot to escape.

Those You've Known by LessonsFromMoths

(5/5 I 15,520 I Teen)

Derek is an FBI agent undercover at Eichen House, an asylum for the criminally insane. He's investigating some odd suicides and a staff death and needs some inside information. This Stiles character seems to know quite a bit, but he seems a little too unhinged for Derek's taste...

“I don’t believe I ever told you my name, Derek,” he stuck his hand out. “Stiles Stilinski, former student at Berkeley. Pleasure to meet your acquaintance.”

Derek squinted. “I never told you my name.”

“You didn’t have to,” Stiles said nonchalantly. “The voices tell me all I need to know.” Derek wasn’t sure if the guy was just messing with him or not. “Tell you what. You tell me what’s wrong with you and I’ll tell you what’s wrong with me. Wanna trade secrets?” He looked eager, as if he already knew Derek’s secret and was greedy to have his suspicions confirmed.

Derek mulled it over for a second. “Aggression, arsonist tendencies, and depression.” Derek said, standing and crossing his arms.

Stiles whistled. “Whoo Derek Hale, you have some real issues.”

Escape From Eichen by MelodramaticSalad

(24/24 I 139,993 I Explicit)

There's a reason why we have dreams we can't remember. What if those dreams had the possibility to show others and ourselves what our innermost desires were, even if they were completely unknown to ourselves? That is, until it was time for them to surface. It was 2018 when this new technology was first released to the public, four years ago. A company called the Eichen Corporation started up and had three very distinct things that they specialized in.

Derek Hale found himself trapped in an Eichen facility by mistake, he was completely normal, there was no reason for him to be there. One thing was for certain though, he was going to get out of this place, and he was going to take them down.

AND

@the-inquisitive-hobbit suggested this one too.

Across a Certain Threshold by ketren

(15/15 I 76,126 I Teen)

Derek and Stiles meet in Eichen House: a love story.

(Or at least it would be, if Derek didn’t basically turn feral at the drop of a hat. Or if not for the strange darkness stalking Stiles through the halls. There’s more going on at Eichen than meets the eye - and if they’re going to find a way out, they’ll have to do it together.)

AND

Anon suggested this one.

Outrun Your Ghosts by wangler

(9/9 I 19,148 I Mature)

When Derek Hale arrives at the Beacon Hills Young Adult Rehabilitation Center, he plans on keeping his head down and serving the rest of his time in minimum security peace. Stiles Stilinski changes all of that.

[honeypiehotchner]

kiss me on the mouth and set me free (Damon Salvatore x fem!Reader) -- one shot

Hi my lovelies! I know this is not my usual content whatsoever, but I’ve been watching TVD with my best friend (@treat-winchesterswith-kindness​) and she was begging for a Damon smut, so this is the result. And I have to say...I enjoyed the hell out of writing this one xx.

Beta’d by @treat-winchesterswith-kindness​ and @a-radical-notion <3

Warnings: (Birthday) SMUT! (Slight) virginity kink, Daddy kink, unprotected sex, fingering, oral (f receiving), biting (of course), size kink

Damon’s fingers touch gently underneath your chin, tilting your head, forcing your eyes to meet his. Not for compliance, he’d never do that to you. But for attention, for focus, for sincerity. He wants you to know his true intentions, the kind that only you can see when you’re looking into his eyes.

The usual mischief isn’t there. Instead, swirling in his eyes, are the softest emotions you’ve ever seen. The most genuine. The warmest.

Slowly, you nod. Your silent, willing compliance. Your silent, please.

As he leans forward to connect your lips--

“Good morning, sleeping beauty.”

Your dream is ripped right out from under you by the smirking vampire standing in your bedroom. “Damon, what the hell?” You sit up in bed, rubbing your forehead. “What the fuck do you want?”

“Yikes, what’s with the attitude? My feelings are fragile, you know.” He grabs a pillow off your floor and hugs it to his chest as he quite literally falls onto the reading chair you have by your window.

Your only response is a glare.

“Come on, do you not know what day it is?”

“No,” you mutter, dropping your hands onto the bed in defeat. “What day is it?”

His expression is surprise, sadness, and unamused all at once. “Your birthday.”

“Oh,” you chuckle. You guess that is today. You’ve been so busy lately. You knew it was coming up, but you weren’t aware it was coming up this quickly. And now it’s here, and you have no plans.

Or at least you thought you didn’t have plans.

“Up, up, up,” Damon orders, waving his hands at you as he stands. “We’re celebrating, you’re not allowed to say no. Up.”

One thing you’ve learned about being friends with Damon Salvatore is that once he’s set in his ways, he isn’t budging. So, despite feeling like lead has been injected into your bones, you let him drag you out of bed -- literally. He reaches both hands out and you accept, wrapping your fingers around his and allowing him to tug you to your feet.

You and Damon have always been close. More than close, actually. You’ve never kissed or anything, at least not on the lips. He kissed your forehead once when you were sobbing over something. You kissed his cheek once in public when a guy wouldn’t stop hitting on you. And the two of you have held hands before, but more as an “I don’t want to lose you” measure in large crowds. You love concerts, and Damon does too (especially rock) but he hates the crowds because he hates losing sight of you.

You wouldn’t be surprised if everyone just assumed you and Damon are dating. You know the two of you aren’t -- because he’s definitely had sex with other women while you’ve been friends with him -- but you also know his behavior might lead others to believe otherwise. You also know that’s kind of his whole intention.

He’s protective. It’s what he does best. When you’re next to him, no one who isn’t your friend will look at you. And when you’re not with him, you’ve noticed the number of people who approach you with ill intentions has considerably decreased.

Once you’re known indirectly (or directly, you guess) as Damon Salvatore’s girl, no one comes near you. Exactly how Damon likes.

You don’t mind it. You hate being bothered. You’re surprised you let Damon bother you for as long as you did before you caved. You can’t lie, you liked it. You liked him. You still do.

But Damon isn’t the settling down type. He’s not the type to be monogamous, at least not from your experience. You do wonder at times what his goal was whenever he’d tell you about his sexual encounters. It wasn’t like he was bragging, but you couldn’t help but feel like he was trying to get a reaction out of you.

So, obviously, you didn’t give him one.

Damon doesn’t always get what he wants. He just thinks he does. And you like to make him believe that.

“Are you ready yet? I’m starving,” Damon calls from the hallway.

You roll your eyes. “No. And you can’t be starving, you’re dead.”

“I know,” he smirks, sauntering into your room. “Look at you.”

“Look at me?” You scoff. “I wore this outfit last week.”

“Yeah, but you look...hotter, I don’t know. Maybe it’s your birthday.”

You roll your eyes again, a habit you do most often when you’re with Damon. “Whatever. Where are you taking me?”

“Oh, just, all your favorite places.”

“You’re full of shit, Damon.”

+++

After a full day of doing all of your favorite things, most of which Damon hates, by the way. You have no idea why he’s been entertaining you all day, but you’re assuming it’s only because today is your birthday. He’ll go back to his usual self tomorrow and hang out with you only when it doesn’t involve things he hates doing.

“Which one of your comfort movies are we watching to end the day?”

You eye Damon skeptically from the kitchen. He’s currently on the couch, flicking through Netflix lazily.

You don’t want to question any of this until tomorrow, so you tell him which movie to queue up, and you hear him muffle a groan.

You return to the living room with a giant bowl of popcorn, plopping it in the middle of you and Damon. He presses play on the movie, and you eat your popcorn with a smile.

Of course, you should’ve known it was too good to be true for Damon to keep his mouth shut all day because about halfway through the movie, he drops the bomb you had been waiting on.

“So...you’ve really never had sex?”

You roll your eyes, but don’t respond.

Earlier today when the two of you were walking around, Damon kept pointing out cute guys. And they were cute, you’ll give him that, but you had no idea what his deal was. After five or six guys are pointed out, Damon asks you, “Come on, you’ve never had birthday sex? A one-night stand on your special day?”

You had laughed and shoved his arm, and confessed, “I’ve never had any sex, period. So no thank you. Can we please go?”

You knew it was way too good to be true when Damon dropped the subject immediately and moved on, letting you drag him away to your other favorite spot.

Of course, you should’ve known he was only waiting for the right time. You did know. Which is why you haven’t answered him right now.

But he keeps going.

“What about held hands? Kissed anyone on the lips?”

“First of all, you’ve held my hand, and second of all, of course I’ve kissed someone on the lips, I’m not a nun!” You lie.

He looks skeptical. “When was it?”

“I was…” He gives you the look harder, not compelling you, but might as well have been. “Fine. I’ve never had sex, and I’ve never had my first kiss. Are you happy now?”

“Of course I’m not happy!” He gives you another look, this one like you’ve gone batshit crazy. “You’re missing out on one of life’s greatest experiences!”

“And this is exactly why I never told you,” you toss a popcorn kernel at him, watching it bounce off his forehead. He looks up at it, but he doesn’t blink. “Not everyone thinks sex is all there is to life, Damon.”

“Okay, that’s not what I meant--”

“That’s exactly what you meant.”

“I just mean if...you’re waiting…”

“Please, stop. Talking.”

“You don’t need to wait.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Because I’m right here.”

You stare at him blankly. “What?”

He shrugs nonchalantly like he’s not the biggest manwhore around. “I’m here.”

“You’re joking. Quit fucking with me.”

“I’m not fucking with you-- Well, at least not yet--”

“Oh my God, shut up!” You laugh, swatting at his arm, hating the way you’ve gone hot all over.

Damon Salvatore is attractive. Scratch that-- He’s more than attractive. He’s the kind of attractive everyone says they want in a guy, but obviously, it’s too much to ask for, so they settle for a little less. You can’t ask everyone to look like a God, but Damon does -- though you’ll never let him hear those words leave your lips. Never.

The prospect of having sex with Damon has crossed your mind more than once. Probably a thousand times, if you’re honest, but you always knew it would never happen. He’s Damon Salvatore. First of all, he doesn’t do anything besides casual sex, and second of all, you’re pretty sure his sex only includes experienced partners. You don’t exactly fit either of those criteria.

You never even thought he looked at you that way. You figured if he had, he would’ve made more jokes or insinuated things. But he never has with you.

“I’m being serious, you know.”

At this point, fifteen more minutes of the movie have gone by. But you haven’t been paying attention.

“Can I ask why?” You say, keeping your eyes focused on the TV screen.

“Why what?”

“Why now? Why are you suddenly interested? Because if it’s just to get your dick wet, I will kick you out.”

“What do you mean suddenly interested?” He counters.

“What do you mean?” You fire back, finally looking at him. “The whole time we’ve been friends, you’ve had more one-night stands than I can count. You never flirt with me. And just today you were trying to find someone for me to have birthday sex with. Are you serious?”

“Okay, yes, I have had a lot of one-night stands, and yes, I was being...obnoxious today, but I have flirted with you.”

“Since when?”

“Since every day I’ve known you!” He cries. “Did you not notice?”

You slump back into the couch cushions. “Well, I guess not.”

More minutes pass. The movie plays and you try to pay attention, silently wishing the couch would swallow you whole right now. This shouldn’t be embarrassing, but it is.

“I’m not saying you have to have sex tonight, but whenever you’re ready...I’m here.”

“Of course you’ll always be there for that.”

“You know I didn’t mean it that way,” he says, and you would’ve brushed him off again if he wasn’t looking into your eyes so deeply, and reaching for your hand. Not in a way that insinuates anything, but for comfort.

Silently, you turn your hand over and let him hold it. “What if...What if I’m not ready for sex yet, but…”

“But?”

“But…” You sigh, averting your eyes back to the movie. “What if I want you to kiss me?”

“I can do that.”

You nod, but you don’t move. Your hand stays gently held in his, your eyes glued to the movie. You suggested it yourself, yet you’re nervous.

Distantly, you hear the bowl of popcorn moving to the coffee table. You feel the cushion beside you dip slightly as Damon scoots over. And then…

“You’re going to have to look at me if you want me to kiss you.”

You feel his fingers gently lifting your chin, turning your gaze toward him.

“Are you sure?”

You roll your eyes, not as harsh this time because you’re too busy buzzing with the fact that his fingers are still on your chin. “Just shut up and kiss me.”

“Okay, okay,” he teases, his thumb stroking your jaw.

He moves slow, not wanting to rush you, but he moves so slow that you wish he’d use his speed. Before you can make a comment about it, though, his lips are finally on yours.

Kissing isn’t what you expected. But since it’s with Damon, it’s amazing.

He still moves as slow as possible, his hand moving from your chin to your jaw, cupping your face, pulling you closer. You have no idea what to do with your hands, so you leave them in your lap, curled into fists.

Damon pulls back, pecking your lips once, then twice, before finally pulling away.

“How’s that for a first kiss?”

You don’t bother responding. Instead, you grip his shirt in both hands and pull him back to you, kissing him harder. A growl releases itself from the back of Damon’s throat, his teeth nipping at your bottom lip in retaliation.

You open up for him instantly, fists releasing his shirt when his tongue strokes into your mouth gently. His hands find your waist and squeeze, massaging your skin, tugging you closer until there’s practically not even a centimeter of space between the two of you. You wrap your arms around his neck, a small whine leaving your lips when he pulls back.

“Damon…” You whisper, your vision hazy, but in the best way.

“Look at me,” he says softly, his lips ghosting over yours.

You blink slowly, looking back into his eyes. “Hm?”

“Do you want more?”

You nod pathetically, still annoyed with him for stopping.

“Words, little one,” he taps your nose with his index finger. “What do you want?”

“More,” you say almost instantly. “I need more, Damon.”

“More it is,” he smirks, giving you what you need.

You inhale deeply when he kisses you, and when you exhale, your breath fills Damon’s lungs. Your fingers thread through his hair at the base of his skull, your arms keeping you steady around his neck. His lips devour you in every form of the word, claiming you, coaxing you to open up to him. His hands tug on your hips, pulling you into his lap, straddling his legs.

Your comfort movie plays on the TV in the background, the volume turned down, but still there. Somehow, it makes more of your nerves melt away. Damon’s touch makes the rest of them disappear.

Damon pushes your hair back from your face as he holds you captive with his kiss. Another nip to your skin and he pulls back.

“I want more,” you blurt, “but I’m not a one night stand.”

“You are most definitely not a one night stand,” he replies softly, pecking your lips. “If you want more, I’ll give you more.”

“Give me more,” you all but demand, rocking your hips. “Now.”

“Ah, ah, ah,” he tightens his grip on your hips, stopping your movement. “Just because it’s your first time doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you want.”

You fully stop your movement out of surprise and annoyance. “Why not?”

“Because…” He thumbs the pout from your lips. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

“Damon,” you groan. “Just because I’m a virgin doesn’t mean I haven’t fingered myself.”

He chuckles lowly, grabbing one of your hands and lifting it up into view. “I am a lot bigger than your fingers, princess.”

You shudder at the nickname and fail to hide it.

His usual mischievous smirk stretches across his lips. “You like that?”

You nod. No use in trying to hide it.

“Princess,” he murmurs. “What do you want?”

“Fuck me,” you say proudly, already tired of the teasing.

He smooths his hands down your arms. “That’s not asking nicely.”

“Please, will you please just fuck me already?”

“Nice of you to say please,” Damon replies, pressing a kiss to your lips. “But I need to get you ready first. Don’t pout, kitten. Come on.”

He shifts his weight to lift you up, laying you back on the couch. Slowly, your pants are dragged down your legs. You wait for him to take your panties, too, but he doesn’t.

You lift your head, but Damon stops you before the comment leaves your mouth. “Patience, princess.”

You throw your head back into the pillow with a groan, one that quickly morphs into a moan when he mouths your clit over your panties. His tongue darts out to tease your hole through the fabric, smirking into your pussy as you squirm. He thumbs your clit before massaging your lips.

“There we go,” he murmurs. “I can feel you getting wet, and that’s what we need, Princess, I don’t want to hurt you...not unless you ask.”

A flash of a wet dream you had a few nights ago, where Damon’s mouth was in your neck, his teeth breaking skin only barely, but enough to taste.

“Did you just get wetter? Oh, Princess…”

The sound of ripping fabric fills your ears when Damon’s teeth tear your panties away. The sudden cool air on your wet pussy causes your hips to buck, and Damon’s hands promptly push them back down.

He crawls up your body, briefly paying attention to your collarbones and neck, daring to nip there, but not breaking the skin, and leaving as quick as he came.

His entire body covers yours as he leans down, pressing sweet kisses to your lips, smirking when he finds your lips already parting for him. And when your hands find the buttons on his shirt, he chuckles, but keeps kissing you, fiercer now as you unbutton every last one, leaving his shirt hanging wide open.

“You feeling good?”

“Do you really need to ask?”

“Just checking, baby,” he coos, kissing both of your cheeks, then your nose.

He slides back down your body, settling over your hips. Now, without the barrier of your panties, you can feel his breath on your pussy. Before you have time to process that feeling, though, Damon is diving in headfirst -- literally.

Damon is not a stranger to going down on a woman, and it’s actually his favorite thing in the world to do.

He doesn’t even try holding you down. One arm is stretched across your hips, while his other hand is busy massaging your lips, coating his fingers in your wetness. You expect him to thrust his fingers into you then, but a loud moan has you looking down to see Damon’s fingers in his mouth, tasting you.

He opens his eyes and catches yours, smirking around his fingers as he pulls them out of his mouth. “You taste good.”

You scrunch up your nose, earning a laugh from him.

“I’ll make you taste one day, kitten, you might like it.”

“Hmph.”

“Don’t start pouting now,” he says, keeping his eyes locked with yours as his fingers trail down to your entrance. “Just one for now, Princess,” he whispers, spreading your lips and pressing in.

One isn’t much, so all that you feel is pleasure and heat in your core.

“More,” you whine, lying back down, breathless. “Please.”

“There’s my good girl,” he coos, kissing your hip bone. “Asking so nicely. I’ll make you feel good, don’t worry.”

Another finger enters you and it is a bit of a stretch, but still not much. He was right, his fingers are bigger than yours -- and you’re sure his cock is bigger, too -- but it’s still not enough.

“More,” you cry, the word breaking into a choked moan when he scissors his fingers, opening you up.

“There it is,” he smiles, leaning down to flick your clit with his tongue before sucking gently on the bundle of nerves. He continues scissoring his fingers until he hears your moans growing quieter, and that’s when he adds a third finger.

Now you feel the stretch, but it isn’t painful. Your moan is louder than you expect, your back arching off the couch, and Damon swears for a second he might’ve stumbled upon an angel.

A small whimper leaves your lips when he curls his fingers, pressing into your g-spot ever so slightly. Not hard enough for immense pleasure because he doesn’t want to wear you out immediately, and he knows you aren’t used to that level of pleasure -- not yet at least.

He pauses his assault on your hip bone, never biting hard enough to leave a mark, to return to your clit. He’s not sure if you know it, but you’re close. He can feel your walls fluttering and squeezing his fingers, the tell-tale signs.

Once you feel his mouth back on your clit, sucking and nibbling gently, you’re blinded by the pleasure that crashes into you. It’s as if the skies opened up and struck you with lightning straight from the sun.

When Damon moans into your pussy, the vibrations send waves of pleasure through your every fiber, and you have no choice but to cum all over his fingers.

Something you do when you’re pleasuring yourself is you stop almost immediately, but Damon continues, milking every last bit of your orgasm until you’ve calmed down. He leans his head on your hip while he continues massaging your walls until he can pull his fingers out without hurting you or startling you.

The emptiness you feel when his fingers leave you is a little startling, but only so much so that you need something else inside of you. Which is why while he’s busy sucking on his fingers again, making a complete mess, you’re sitting up and tossing your shirt over your head.

“Woah,” Damon says around his fingers, his eyes widening when your bra comes off, too. “Hello.”

You almost glare at him. “I need you inside of me.”

Damon raises an eyebrow, licking his lips. “Pardon me?”

“Please,” you groan. “Please, I need more, I…”

“Shhh,” he shushes you, his fingers massaging soft circles into your thigh. “Are you sure?”

“Yes. Please.”

He nods. “Lay back, Princess. I’ve got you, don’t worry.”

You obey, mostly out of exhaustion than compliance, and Damon knows that. You’ve always been a bit of a brat, but he’s seeing even more of it tonight.

He makes a show of shrugging off his shirt, watching you watching him, your arm bent underneath your head to prop you up. One leg is up and the other is down, and you look like Heaven.

Damon undoes his belt and tosses it away, taking note of the way your eyes follow it all the way to the floor. You don’t even look back to him until his pants are hitting the floor, and him stepping out of them catches your attention again. Black boxer briefs are all that is left, and they’re barely containing him.

He loves how intently you’re watching him. The genuine curiosity sparks in his eyes when he pulls his underwear down, kicking them aside. You blink slowly, marveling at the sight of him. He’s...pretty.

“Like what you’re seeing, baby?”

You nod slowly. “Mhm. Taste?”

“Next time,” he promises, kneeling on the couch, pushing your legs apart. “Tonight is all about you, Princess.” He presses a kiss to your lips to seal the deal, and you accept it, reminded of how empty you feel now that your legs are spread again.

You go quiet when you feel his cock nudging your entrance. He stretched you, but he feels so big.

“Is it...Is it gonna fit?” You ask, your arms wrapping around his neck again for support.

“I’ll go slow,” he murmurs, kissing your forehead, cheeks, nose, and chin. “You tell me when to stop, okay?”

“Okay.”

He kisses you again, sweeter and softer this time, but it’s only a distraction for when he initially enters you. He could tell you needed the distraction, and he was correct.

When you begin to feel him, your nails scratch his skin and he stops, staying there, waiting for your word.

He goes slow as promised every time you ask for more, and stops whenever you say so, or when your whimper is louder than expected.

Soon, though, he’s fully seated inside of you, and you feel sufficiently full. At peace. And ready for him to fucking move.

“Move, please, Damon, I need you to--”

He pulls out slightly and snaps his hips, knocking the breath out of you. He watches your face, but there are no traces of pain, only pleasure.

A rhythm slowly forms, one that you enjoy, until you need more and when you ask for more this time, Damon doesn’t hold back.

So much so that it forces a new name from your lips.

You didn’t mean to say it, but when he stops moving out of surprise, you can’t help but whine it once more. “Daddy, please.”

“God,” Damon groans, dropping his head into the crook of your neck. The rhythm this time is slow and dizzying. “Say it again.”

“Daddy,” you whimper instantly, bucking your hips, pulling him in deeper.

“Just like that,” he murmurs, lips ghosting over your vein. “You have no idea how hard it is not to just…” He pauses, letting his teeth graze over the sensitive skin there. “And when you call me that…”

“Daddy…” You cry out, feeling him nudging against your cervix.

“My sweet little girl,” he breathes. “Letting me take her virginity. That’s my Princess, my baby…” His teeth graze your skin again, teasing you, and then…

“Please,” you mumble, closing your eyes. “Do it.”

He freezes, and you feel it, but you’re tired of him freezing, so you wrap your hand around the back of his head, pressing his mouth into your neck.

“Do it,” you repeat, even more breathless. “Please.”

Damon can’t resist, not when you feel this good wrapped around him, when you’re begging, when you’re pushing him closer, yearning for it.

He speeds up his rhythm, chasing his high. He doesn’t trust himself to cum with his teeth in your neck, but he can cum right before, and sink them in while you’re cumming. The pain won’t be as intense while you’re mid-orgasm.

Almost as soon as you feel Damon’s seed spilling inside of you, your back is arching, your own waves of pleasure shooting through your body, your second orgasm of the night capturing you. And when you least expect it, because you assumed he had decided against you, Damon’s teeth sink into your neck.

It’s a feeling you’ve never felt before, but it’s one you’ll be asking for more often.

Your body relaxes, Damon’s now half-hard cock sitting snugly inside of you while he drinks from you, and when he finally is done, you’re floating blissfully.

You catch only a glimpse of his face before it returns to normal, and he kisses you gently to get your attention.

“How was your first time?”

“Amazing,” you murmur, scratching gently at the base of his skull. “Really...amazing.”

“Do you want me to move?”

“No,” you shake your head. “Stay.”

“Okay, well I need to pull out of you, but then we can cuddle.”

“Fine,” you huff, dropping your arms from his neck.

Slowly, he pulls out of you, leaving you empty once more, despite the pleasure still thrumming through your body. “You can warm my cock another time, okay Princess?”

“Hmph.”

He stands and shakes his head. “Alright, it’s nap time for you.”

You look up hopefully. “Bed?”

“Yeah, come on.” He slides his arms underneath your legs and back, lifting you up bridal style.

You’re asleep in his arms before he even makes it to your room.

[rubysunnday]

it’s a love story

a/n: this is a looonnnggg one, but i enjoyed writing it a lot. Thank you to @gryffindors-weasley who’s stories have inspired this one - if you want more sweet Colin please go read their stories!

words: 3,703

summary: Y/N has loved Colin since they were children but it was one-sided. She was content to stand aside and watch Colin move on without her. Until Marina.

Unrequited love hurt.

It was easy to lose yourself in night-time fantasies of a life with the one person you loved - dreaming of your wedding, your house and the day they confessed their feelings to you.

Y/N had loved Colin ever since she’d been a child. It’d started off as nothing more than platonic love - they’d been best friends since childhood, and they’d stayed close over the years as they both grew up and turned into something that vaguely resembled adults.

She’d never revealed how she felt to him. Y/N didn’t want to tell him and run the risk of ruining their friendship. She simply stood aside and watched him flirt with and at almost every woman in London. It never bothered her - it was how Colin was. He flirted and played around but never settled.

Until Marina.

Y/N hadn’t thought twice about how he flirted at Marina. Admittedly, it had hurt to see how close they’d been at Daphne’s wedding party and how besotted Colin seemed to be with her. But Y/N had just thought Marina was another passing fancy who would be married and vanished after the season ended.

But the garden party changed that.

She hadn’t wanted to go. Ever since Daphne’s wedding she’d been keeping her distance from Colin and the Bridgerton House in general, not wanting to set herself up for anymore heart ache and pain then what she was mentally prepared for.

As her carriage pulled up to the gardens, Y/N felt her hands begin to shake. It was ridiculous how nervous she was - nothing had even happened yet! She was just nervous to see Colin and have to disguise her feelings from him and Marina.

Before the wheels of her carriage had even stopped rolling, Eloise ran over and flung open the door, looking up at Y/N expectantly. Benedict reluctantly chased after his sister after his mother shoved him in Eloise’s vague, general direction.

Eloise squinted up at her, attempting to read Y/N’s mind. “Nope, you’re not running away,” she said, reaching up and grabbing her friends’ hand and practically pulling her out the carriage, sensing Y/N’s desire to be anywhere other than there.

“Oh, Eloise, don’t start,” Y/N complained, barely catching herself on Benedict’s outstretched arm as she missed the step entirely and lost her footing.

“If I have to suffer, you have to suffer,” Eloise replied, almost pouting.

Y/N sighed, still clutching Benedict’s arm as she regained her sense. “Eloise, I don’t want to be here. I can’t cope with... well, that,” she waved a hand in the vague general direction of where Colin was.

“And I can’t cope with my mother doing what she does best,” Eloise shot back, snatching Y/N’s hand and pulling her into the gardens. “Now, come along, dear Y/N.”

Not trusting her friend, Y/N grabbed Benedict’s hand and dragged the man along with her, ignoring his muttered complaints as he reluctantly followed after his sister.

Everything seemed to be going fine. Y/N hovered around Benedict and Anthony, making small talk with the two and strategically avoiding looking at or being in the vicinity of Colin and having to talk to him.

Every time she looked over at him, he was with Marina, smiling dumbly at something she’d said and looking stupidly doe-eyed at her.

Marina hadn’t done anything to Y/N and was probably a lovely person, but she still infuriated Y/N beyond belief for no reason at all. Her mere existence irritated her.

Benedict looked up, having asked Y/N a question that had been met with silence. He noticed her staring at Colin and nudged Y/N’s arm. “Stop staring.”

Y/N blinked and turned her head away from Colin, plucking an invisible thread off the cuff of her dress. “Thanks,” she muttered quietly. She hadn’t realised she’d been noticeably staring.

Despite never saying anything, both Eloise and Benedict - and presumably the rest of the Bridgerton household since neither sibling could keep their mouths shut - knew about Y/N’s unrequited love for Colin.

When they’d been children, Colin and Y/N had gotten ‘married’ in the back garden of Bridgerton House. It’d been a big event involving all the family and the staff and had ultimately ended in the two getting a ‘divorce’ that evening when Colin threw a carrot at Y/N. But it’d been obvious even then how perfect they were for the other.

Y/N looked up as someone gently knocked their knife against their glass. Her heart almost stopped when she realised it was Colin and that Marina was standing next to him looking very pleased.

“May I have everyone’s attention?” Colin asked as silence fell over the gathered party.

Y/N was trying not to think the worse. She could see the confusion on Anthony’s face at what his brother was about to do but Y/N knew, deep down, what was about to happen.

“I would like to make a small but important announcement,” Colin continued, practically beaming. “I have happy news to impart.”

Y/N could hear her heart beating. She knew what was coming. There was nothing else that Colin could say that would make sense and that would make Marina smile so much. She unconsciously reached out her hand and grabbed Anthony’s arm, squeezing it tightly.

“I have asked Miss Marina Thompson to be my wife, and she has accepted.”

Everyone around them gasped in delight. Benedict was smiling, Lady Featherington was beaming, and Anthony looked like he was about to throttle someone.

Y/N felt as if her entire life was falling apart in front of her. She’d lost the one thing that meant everything to her to someone else. Her grip on Anthony’s arm increased and he looked over at her.

“Smile,” Anthony whispered, despite his own surprise and anger. “And go congratulate them.”

It took a moment for Y/N’s mind to realise that Anthony had even spoken. But a moment later she nodded, plastered a smile to her face and approached Colin and Marina with false joy and gratitude despite the fact her heart was breaking apart inside her.

For the rest of the week, Y/N stayed at home. Despite the invitation being extended to her to join the Featherington’s and a few of the Bridgerton’s for dinner, she declined it, unable to bear the pain of seeing Colin and Marina stare lovingly at one another.

The seventh day of hiding dawned annoyingly early and Y/N, who felt as if she hadn’t slept in months, found herself pottering around her house with no purpose in mind.

“Miss Y/L/N.”

Y/N turned around to face her butler. “Yes, Simmons?”

“Miss Eloise Bridgerton is here to see you, ma’am. She’s refusing to leave.”

Y/N sighed and pursed her lips. “Of course, she is,” she muttered. “Where is she?”

Simmons gestured to the lounge and Y/N headed down the corridor towards the room.

“Eloise, I swear -” Y/N cut herself off abruptly at the pained yet excited look on Eloise’s face as the woman ran up to her and all but crashed into her.

“The engagement is off,” Eloise said all at once, her excitement overtaking her need to speak.

Y/N blinked. “I - what is off?”

“Colin and Marina Thompson’s engagement,” Eloise said again, elaborating a little more. Y/N blinked again. “What?”

Eloise grabbed Y/N’s hand and dragged her into the living room, thrusting the latest Lady Whistledown into her hands.

Y/N hadn't read it in the past week - every page being focused on Colin and Marina and how happy Daphne and the duke had seemed. Every description of anything related to love added insult to injury.

She scanned it quickly and stared at the words with wide eyes. The paper fell from her hands as she looked up at Eloise.

“She... she’s pregnant?” Y/N whispered, almost not daring to say it. “What, when, how - I mean, I know how but...”

“I didn’t know how,” Eloise admittedly sheepishly.

Y/N’s head shot up, Colin and Marina forgotten. “How did you not know? You grew up with three older brothers!”

Eloise shrugged. “It just... never came up. Anyway,” she fluttered the piece of paper in font of Y/N’s face, “Colin’s free.”

“Eloise -”

“What? Y/N, there is nothing standing between you and Colin.”

Y/N sighed and slowly sat down on the sofa. “Eloise, your family’s reputation is... in a treacherous position. If I’m seen flinging myself at Colin to try and benefit from this... I’m not that sort of person. Maybe in a few weeks when its all calmed down...”

Eloise looked her friend up and down. She sat down next to her and took her hand. “Okay. I don’t agree with it but, okay.”

Over the next few days, Y/N began spending more time around the Bridgerton’s, visiting their house like she had before Colin’s proposal.

All of the Bridgerton’s, bar Colin, knew why Y/N had vanished for a few days but said nothing of her sudden re-appearance. Y/N put it down to feeling ill - she tried not to fall apart when Colin asked after her with concern in his voice and worry in his eyes.

“I’m fine now,” Y/N told him, smiling. “Just a blip.”

“Good,” Colin replied, matching her smile.

Y/N sipped on her tea, casting her eyes down as she felt her stomach flutter at the sight of his smile - even if it didn’t reach his eyes. “Are you attending the Queen’s garden party tomorrow?” Y/N asked, setting her cup down on its saucer with a soft clink.

Colin nodded. “Daphne and the duke are back in town... so, yes, we’re all going to be attending. Are you...”

“Yes, I’ll be there,” Y/N replied, trying not to smile at the palpable relief that appeared on Colin’s face at her answer.

Despite everything that had happened over the past few days, Colin and Y/N’s relationship hadn’t changed. Yes, Y/N was still longing after someone she would likely never have but she’d missed her best friend too much to sulk in her own misery for much longer.

The day of the Queen’s Garden Party, Y/N joined the Bridgerton’s, walking in with the family, her arm in Colin’s.

“Isn’t this lovely?” Violet asked, smiling as she put her arm around Hyacinth. “All of us together again. And Y/N.”

Y/N laughed. “Thanks, Lady Bridgerton.”

“Yes, it’s lovely indeed. We should tempt scandal more often,” Colin muttered. He grunted lightly as Y/N elbowed him in the stomach. “Ow.”

“Hush,” Y/N replied. She was highly aware of everyone staring at them - a given considering the scandal that Marina had brought down upon the Bridgerton’s.

After a few minutes, and after the Queen had accosted Daphne and the duke, Y/N wandered off from the Bridgerton’s, mingling with the other guests and indulging herself in a glass of lemonade and a biscuit.

“Oh, Miss Y/L/N!”

Y/N closed her eyes at the shrill, grating voice of Cressida Cowper. She was the last person she’d wanted to see let along speak to. Y/N plastered a smile to her face and turned to face Cressida.

“Miss Cowper, how are you?” Y/N asked.

“I’m wonderful, thank you. I just wanted to know what you think you’re doing,” Cressida replied, her tone cheerful but the words sounded and felt forced.

Y/N frowned. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean, Cressida.”

“Mr Bridgerton - Colin, I mean. You’ve been fawning all over him since the news about Miss Thompson broke -”

“I haven’t been fawning, I’ve been trying to be a good friend,” Y/N replied slowly, her frown deepening.

Cressida waved a hand dismissively. “Yes, yes, but we all know that your ‘friendship’ is a disguise for your unrequited love for Mr Bridgerton.”

The empty glass in Y/N’s hand all most fell to the floor, but she kept a tight grip on it as she looked at Cressida. “Excuse me?”

“Well, it’s well known that you are in love with Colin and that he doesn’t know. And if he did, well, that would be your friendship over, wouldn’t! Perhaps you are even Lady Whistledown and wrote that article on Miss Thompson to have Colin all to yourself.”

“I don’t know what you’re implying here, Cressida -”

“Oh, I’m not implying anything, Y/N,” Cressida replied, smiling slyly. “We both know the truth about your relationship with Colin. I just can’t imagine how hurt he would be if Lady Whistledown turned out to be you. Besides, it’s not like you actually think he could possibly love you? You don’t deserve him.”

“Is everything alright, Y/N?” Colin asked, stepping into the conversation and putting a hand on the small of Y/N’s back.

Y/N turned her head away and, despite the tightness in her throat, swallowed and smiled. “Yes, Miss Cowper was just leaving,” she said firmly.

Cressida all but stamped her foot as she turned and flounced off. Colin watched her go and then turned back to Y/N, frowning in concern. He was no stranger to the stings Cressida and her mother often gave out to the Ton.

“What was that about?” Colin asked. “I didn’t really hear much -”

“Nothing,” Y/N cut in. Colin’s hand was still resting on her back and she could feel the heat of his hand seeping through the light pink silk of her dress. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t just be friends and pretend her feelings didn’t exist when they did.  She took a shaky breath in, clenching her lace gloved hands tightly as they shook. “Excuse me.”

Ignoring Colin’s worried and hurt expression, Y/N stepped away from him and walked off towards the back of the gardens in search for some peace and quiet.

Y/N found a small side garden amongst the hedges and darted into it, kicking the small white picket fence gate shut behind her - forming a very pathetic barrier that Colin could probably climb over.

Cressida had always had the ability to get under her skin. Normally she would simply forget and move on with her day but everything Cressida had said - minus the Lady Whistledown accusation - was true.

She didn’t deserve Colin. That was partly why she’d been so content to let him marry Marina - because she didn’t deserve him. And why would he love her? Compared to Marina and every other women Colin had flirted at or with, she wasn’t much of anything.

“Y/N?”

Y/N closed her eyes at the sound of Colin’s voice, mentally wishing him away. She refused to turn around and face him - she could feel the emotions beginning to win over her and could feel her eyes burning.

“Y/N, what’s wrong? What did Cressida say?” Colin asked, walking up to her and putting a hand on her back where the fabric was nothing more than a sheer covering.

Y/N could feel the heat of his skin and the soft skin of his hand and suddenly wanted him to just go away and never speak to her again because it would make things so much easier.

“Nothing that wasn’t true,” Y/N said softly, a stray tear escaping her eye and dripping on to her cheek. She felt Colin still and knew he’d heard at least some of what Cressida had said. “You heard, didn’t you?” Y/N asked quietly.

Colin didn’t answer for a moment. “I... I heard the last few sentences.”

Y/N laughed humourlessly. “Of course, you did,” she said, her laugh mixing with sobs. She turned around to face her best friend with tears in her eyes.

Colin looked at her, stunned by the broken expression on her face. In the years he’d known her, the only time he’d seen her that broken had been when her mother had passed away and she’d sobbed into his arms all night. “Y/N/N...”

“No,” Y/N stepped to the side, away from Colin’s outstretched hand. “No, I’m sorry.” She inhaled sharply. “I can’t... I can’t do this. I know - I can’t.”

Colin lunged forward and grabbed Y/N’s wrist as she turned to go, yanking her to a halt and forcing her to look at him. “Y/N, wait.”

“What, Colin? So, you can make fun of the fact that I’ve been on love with my best friend since I was sixteen?”

“No, I just... I need an explanation - I need someone to explain because my head is spinning,” Colin replied. “I don’t understand.”

Y/N sniffed, looking down at the grass. “You own my heart, Colin,” she said simply. She looked up. “When I dream of my future it's with you. You are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with - the one I see myself loving until I die.”

Y/N paused, swallowing down the tears that wanted to fall. She had to say this now, to get it over with and make it clear. Even though it was physically hurting her. “And I know you don’t feel the same way so, we can just leave this here. Nothing else has to be said about it. I’ll leave and we don’t have to speak of this again - or even see each other if that’s what you want.”

Colin said nothing. He was too stunned and surprised by the sudden confession and the events of the past few days to form a sentence. Y/N nodded sadly, taking his silence as her answer, and left the gardens.

She tried to hide her tear-stained face and broken heart as she emerged back into the main party. She’d arrived with the Bridgerton’s and had no way of getting home without them. Y/N spotted Anthony near the entrance and quickly made her way over to him, desperate to leave before anyone cornered her or spoke to her.

“Anthony,” Y/N said softly, nudging his arm.

Anthony turned around as the people he had been talking to walked off. It took him all of thirty seconds to take in her teary eyes, her shaking hands and the broken look on her face. “Y/N...”

“I’d like to go home, please,” she said quietly, her voice breaking on the last few words.

Anthony, to his credit, didn’t ask why. He nodded and took her arm, steering her out the garden. He caught Benedict as they passed, the two sharing a quick and quiet conversation. She caught the pitying stare Benedict gave her, the simple action making her tears free fall once again.

The carriage they had arrived in wasn’t waiting out front for them. Anthony looked around for it but saw no sign.

“I’ll be back, are you alright to stay here?”

“I’ll be fine,” Y/N replied, nodding.

Anthony squeezed her shoulder and walked off with a determined stride to find their carriage.

“Y/N!”

Y/N closed her eyes and turned around. “Colin, don’t -”

Colin skidded to a halt in front of Y/N, scattering the pebbles of the driveway with his sudden stop. He was panting, as if he’d ran from the garden to the driveway without stopping.

“Just, listen,” he said, cutting her off. “I... I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know what to say.”

“I know, you don’t like me, it’s fine -”

“Will you,” Colin walked forward until he was inches away from her, “just listen?” He took her gloved hand and held it in his. “I didn’t say anything because you caught me entirely off guard. The past few days have been chaos and I need a moment to think. Because the last thing I expected was you to declare your love to me in a garden on a random Thursday. The truth is, Y/N, is that I have loved you ever since we had our wedding in the gardens of my house.”

Y/N let out a snort of laughter despite her tears. “I thought you didn’t want me,” she said softly, looking up at him. “Why would you? I don’t deserve you -”

“That,” Colin said, putting a hand on Y/N’s cheek and wiping away the tears with the pad of his thumb, “sounds suspiciously like the words of a Cowper. Y/N, I love you. I thought you didn’t want me!”

Y/N laughed tearfully and leant into Colin’s hand, still resting on her cheek. “We’re idiots.”

“That we are,” Colin agreed, nodding. “Y/N... the way I feel when I’m with you... there is nothing on this earth that is comparable. I’ve been waiting my entire life for you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I thought Marina would be the one to make me forget you but every time I looked at her... I thought of you. I thought about how much I want to kiss you -”

“Then kiss me,” Y/N said, her voice not much more than a whisper. “And make it a good one, Colin.”

And suddenly his lips were on hers and there was a hunger and a need as he kissed her. His hands wrapped around her waist, pulling her against his chest. Y/N’s hand went to the back of his head, her fingers combing through his curls. She could feel his heart pounding and could feel the warmth from his skin as his hand moved up her back.

It was years of waiting and pining and wanting the other. Y/N needed Colin like she needed to breathe, and Colin needed Y/N like he needed water to live.

Y/N reluctantly pulled away from Colin, her hand still in his hair. She rested her forehead against his. “I love you.”

Colin rested his forehead on hers. He closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them again, staring at her. His hand was on her waist and the other one was on the back of her neck, stroking the skin gently. “I love you too.”

“So... are we organising another wedding?”

Y/N dropped her head on to Colin’s shoulder at the sound of Anthony’s voice and groaned loudly.  “Seriously, Anthony?!”

“You two kissed in the driveway,” Anthony pointed out, crossing his arms and attempting to look intimidating despite the stupid grin on his face. “Now, are we going or staying, because I’ve still yet to find our carriage.”

“We can stay,” Y/N replied, her hand entwined with Colin’s. “And when we walk back in there, we’re going to break the Ton.”