#i think i'm having the paper issue because usually i've got the back of the page kinda holding it down

[alackofghosts]

i've drawn not one but TWO cylvas that refuse to be photographed right :')

[thatdisasterauthor]

I am so fucking exhausted right now. I really felt like I was starting to get my feet under me over the summer, and now I'm back to barely keeping my head above water, and I'm just so done with this bullshit.

I start my full time dispatcher job in maybe Marchish, but the permanent pay fix didn't go through so we've got another year or two of regular pay plus a retention bonus, then my pay might get slashed by 30-50% because I highly doubt the incoming administration is going to be any more favorable to wildland firefighting than the current one.

And I don't even know how the hell I'm going to make it to Marchish without dipping into my top surgery fund because $164/week in unemployment is a fucking joke. I would've been better off if they'd just never taken the damn unemployment taxes out of my paycheck in the first fucking place.

And top surgery! My original date for it passed the other day and it hit me like a fucking truck. I've been so damn uncomfortable ever since and I just want to rip the damn things off. But I have no fucking clue how I'm going to afford it now.

And then there's my books. If the tariffs get passed my main method of publishing, the one that brings me the most income, is down the drain because there's no way I can afford to work with my printer in China if there's a fucking 100% tariff, and there literally aren't ANY printers in the US that offer all the features I need. (And if they claim they do, they're usually just a middle man for working with a Chinese company anyway.) I can still publish in other ways, but it won't get me as much money.

And having a literary agent has honestly been a bit of a clusterfuck for various reasons I'm not going to get into, so any sort of traditional deal is seemingly more and more off the table.

And I gave my dad an ultimatum after the election that I was deeply dissapointed in the fact that he voted for Trump AGAIN, and that if he wasn't willing to work on his racism and other issues I needed to take a step back from having a relationship with him. He never replied and hasn't talked to me since. Haven't spoken to my mother in years. Which just leaves me and my little sister, so I've really got no support network to speak of.

And then there's applying to a PhD, which I want to do so, so badly, but I just can't fathom how I could do that and afford it. The program I'm aiming for is paid, but not even close to enough to support the cost of living where it is, let alone the cost of moving over there.

And I think I need to finally pursue a formal ADHD diagnosis so I can get meds, but I can't do that until I start my new job and get health insurance. And, honestly, I'm really wary of getting a formal diagnosis anyway with the incoming administration. It just feels like something I don't know if I want on paper with all the crap they're trying to pull. But I cannot keep rawdogging this shit without meds.

And you know what? I'm fucking tired of being single. I'm tired of fighting this shit alone. But as an ace, autistic, queer person in a very conservative area (and the fact I can't afford to go out and DO anything) meeting someone is pretty out of the cards, given I have no interest in long distance relationships.

Just.

Ugh. So fucking tired.

I'll make it through, I always do, but man, I am tired of it constantly being a battle.

[fuck-customers]

This situation truly felt like the closest I've ever gotten to reenacting the L vs. Light from Death Note battle lmaoo I kept my cool and plausible deniability, but I was dying laughing internally.

(I think I've won the battle, btw. I'll have to wait and see. There's more to this war, though)

So, for background (and I've complained about this on this blog several times...sorry) my moron boss refuses to put price tags/signs on the products in the store, especially at the register. Considering I work in a retail store...this is obviously a problem. So I've made several attempts to get products priced, in varying degrees of extremity.

1. I made handmade signs/tags out of receipt paper/scratch paper and put them on the products around the register. (Candy, toys etc.) Braindead manager took them down.

2. All but 4 of the shopping carts at work are broken, but customers are stupid and still try to drag them halfway through the store and then abandon them or somehow blame me personally for them being broken. So I put signs on the broken ones and blocked them off. Dumbshit managers keep unblocking them and then customers try and fail to use them and abandon them throughout the store, rinse and repeat daily.

3. I then got the idea to go over my manager's head, but without having it fall back on me. Write to corporate. I originally started snatching receipts to leave negative reviews on the store survey, but that seemed to be a dead end, as the SM and DM are the ones who are supposed to read the surveys, but appear not to, as not a single thing was fixed in over 6 months of "customers" complaining weekly. (Usually at least 1 every 2-4 days)

4. I found a clearance price gun and tagged everything with it, even if it wasn't clearance. One way or another, it had a price on it, right? Of course the braindead moron took them off.

5. I then found actual price tags that were technically for different products, but had the same prices as our current candy, so I tagged the items with that. (For example, we'd have a tag for chocolate that we no longer carry that was $3.99 and we have some current chips on the shelf that are $3.99, so I'd just put the old tag for the current candy, since all customers need is the dollar amount and blacked out the old product description) These lasted longer than the previous attempts, but were ultimately taken down, but this is (hopefully) the turning point.

6. Just to really make sure something would change, a month or so after reusing old price tags, I (simultaneously, while also putting up old tags) made several fake emails posing as disgruntled customers and emailed corporate complaining about the lack of prices and the broken carts (among other things) at my specific location. (I did not name any specific employees or throw anyone under the bus. I just complained about the appearance of the store and any mention of employees was simply left at "the cashier" "the manager" etc. with no personally identifying info) I did this on the feedback section of the company website as well.

This all came to a head today when the braindead's mini-me (the ASM) pulled me aside before I clocked in today to basically call me out. She said that she knew that I was the one who put the handmade tags and also put "broken" signs on the broken carts and blocked them off. I, of course pretended not to know about it, because I'm not THAT stupid. But I'm not in trouble, because she has no real proof. (It was very much "I know that she knows and she knows that I know she knows lol) Anyway, she says (and we'll see about this) that new carts have been ordered and are on their way and also that she had to go around and undo all the tags (oh boohoo, she had to do her job, poor her) and will be putting real, correct tags on the products.

We'll see. In the meantime, "customers" are still going to leave bad reviews and contact corporate until changes are actually made for real. There are still other issues that need to be fixed, but are not as important as the lack of price tags and carts. (Such as the lack of price checkers, the shit radio music, the lack of employees, the dysfunctional inventory system, the bare shelves, the disorganized store, etc.)

Posted by admin Rodney

[hooksbooks]

Renegade Exchange '24: Her Kingdom As Great

I participated in @renegadeguild's typesetting and bound fic exchange, in which we trade typsetting/bound fic wishlists with other participants and then typseset/bind at least one fic from their list and send it to them.

This post is about the first fic I bound for @celestial-sphere-press: Her Kingdom As Great by MarbleGlove.

I was excited to see this fic on my requester's wishlist, because I've read this series in the past and really enjoyed it. I liked the imagery of the golden wheat berries from the Nearly Endless Plains being used in embroidery on clothing, so I wanted the cover to feature embroidered wheat sheaves.

My first step was to work on the book cloth. I knew I wanted something tan that looked kind of hand-woven, so I went to the fabric store and got some linen-look fabric that I liked. I also experimented with three different ways of making it into bookcloth: backed with tissue paper filled with Heat'n'Bond (right), filled with a 50/50 mix of starch paste and matte acrylic medium (bottom), and filled with the paste/medium mix with a piece of tissue paper on the back (top).

I ended up liking the last option the best, though it meant the fabric lost the slubby linen-like texture I had selected it for. I wanted to go all-in on the tan wheat-tone theme, so I also printed the text on cream paper instead of white (the right typeset in the picture above).

I also added a tan bookmark, embroidered on gold headbands, and added an oxford hollow (although this book is a bit too thin to really need it).

When I went to cover the book, I had every intention of using gold HTV foil. However, I didn't take into account how the beads would inhibit me moving the iron around like I usually do with HTV (to avoid issues with the steam holes). It didn't end well. In fact, it ended very horribly.

The foil only partially stuck, and when trying to use the tip of the iron to apply heat only on the bits that hadn't stuck, the iron left a big black stain on my bookcloth. Luckily, it came out pretty well with a bit of baking soda on a nearly-dry toothbrush. I ended up asking a neighbor for some gold paint and using some regular vinyl as a stencil, which worked out OK. I found out later that it works better if you put down a layer of acrylic medium or the like first to avoid bleeding around the edges, but you live and learn.

Technical details:

Quarto size (quarter-letter, about A6)

Sewn on tapes

Sewn-on made endpapers

Chisel-trimmed

Rounded but not backed

Sewn-on endbands

Sewn-on bookmark

Oxford hollow

The tapes are frayed and glued to the exterior of the boards

The mull is also glued to the exterior of the boards

Full bookcloth cover

Things I especially liked about this bind:

The embroidery. It turned out pretty much exactly how I had envisioned it

The filled bookcloth. I don't think I'll do it by default, but I liked how it turned out and I like having it as an option in my back pocket

Things I'd like to improve for next time:

The title. I don't mind the paint rather than HTV foil, but I didn't love that it bled under the edges of the stencil. Next time I'll try using acrylic medium to seal the edges first, and see how that turns out.

The endpapers. I've been applying my endpapers with the covers open because I was concerned that they'd pull weird and possibly rip at the hinge. Unfortunately, this causes a big wrinkle in the endpapers that does not look nice. I figured out while doing the back endpaper that it actually is just fine to apply the endpapers as I close the covers on them because of the way I taper my boards and glue the mull on the outside of the cover.

Overall I'm moderately pleased. It's the highest-effort book I've made so far, and it turned out nearly how I had envisioned it with only minor issues.

[fountainpenguin]

Riddle watches New Wish - Post #20

Best of Luck

With a title like "Best of Luck," this sounds exactly like an Anti-Fairy episode. I'm intrigued.

I love how Cosmo and Wanda's house can be wherever it needs to be, including inside Hazel's desk.

I wish we would've had that lore in the OG series, because it makes a lot of sense (and makes the concept of riding around with your godkids and sitting in elementary school all day less boring). I think I'm yoinking this for 'fics.

I like how they still have old-fashioned desks in the future. I've never had these desks.

Peri and Dev are together again... Peri's trying his best <3 I like how Dev is a grump. That feels right.

"Peace is boring and lacking in swag." - Dev Dimmadome, 2024

I love him.

I enjoy how that random horse has been here for tons of episodes. It's just silly.

I really like Winn. They have so many happy things to say about life and their friends:

"Pulling out paper, even though you'd used it to defeat your previous 3 opponents?? /smiles and clutches hands to chest while shaking head. "Inspired."

They deserve to be the cool kid everyone likes and wants to befriend. I support it. I hope they have a really nice life and many joys.

Hey, wait a minute! I WAS right about Winn only having freckles on one cheek. I think it just flips sides when they turn.

Peri in his debut: I'm gonna take you from Dev to Dev-ine!! Dev now, on the heels of a massive meltdown: What happened to you 'taking me from Dev to Dev-ine?' I don't FEEL very Dev-ine >:( Peri: :')

I enjoy the detail of Dev pushing his shades back on his nose after throwing his head back and then snapping it forward. They didn't even fall down or reveal his eyes, but it was the correct move for him to do.

I like how every time Dev moves his head, his shades catch the ceiling lights.

Ohhh, when snooty Peri comes out, you've gone too far!

... I was wrong!! Dev just raised his voice and Peri crumpled. I love him.

That music sting, tho...

For some reason, that last one gives me bigger "Oh, that's totally Poof" energy than any other screenshot I've taken? idk why; I don't remember Poof getting angry often.

Hang on- I watch Season 9 a lot. Let me check my usual highlights...

... ah. I don't like what this says about me.

-> omg, his staff is based on his rattle! I didn't even notice that until now!! That's so clever!

There's something really funny about posting this picture right before jumping back into my liveblog.

Anyway, Peri is trying SO hard to explain the rules... He looked like he was about to cry and then he snapped; let's see where this is going.

OHHHH, he's quitting! I knew it~! He can't handle the pressure. He's too baby!!

I cannot believe this man lasted 4.5 months on the job. Every time he showed up, he was upset.

Peri: You know what, Dev? I'm DONE. Dev: Well, I'm done-ER! Peri: I'm the done-EST! Dev: Stick a fork in BOTH OF US, THEN!!!

Neither of them is okay.

And he's got tears down his cheeks... Freakin' GEEZ, Dev! You snapped him like a twig.

I'm glad he's having a hard time adjusting to being a nice person. lol. It really underscores why he's so mean at the start of the series.

The fact that he had no issue taking off his shades after befriending Hazel in "A New Dev-elopment" (even willing to go to school with them off and talk nicely to his teacher that Monday, regardless of the fact that this was his first time in the series doing that and people might've talked about it) gives me the inkling that he probably HAS tried being nice in the past, and he doesn't MIND being nice... until he's hurting, and then his self-defense mechanism is to shut down and wall everyone out.

He WANTS to be "a happy kid." He just keeps getting bit every time he places his trust in someone. Including Hazel (in his POV) since he couldn't move past his "Wait a minute... Did you WISH for us to be friends??" meltdown in spite of the good times that came from that wish.

He tried so hard to see the good in his dad in "Lost and Founder's Day." Even when his dad snapped at him for asking if he could help and told him to go "Eat a lizard."

Even when his dad blatantly used electricity to shock people's brains and Dev very clearly had issues with it. He tried SO HARD to turn it around to "Oh, so you can help kids!!"

He even tried to see the good in Vicky [before she entered the house] when Hazel tried cheering him up with the thought of, "Well yeah, maybe you didn't want a princess cosplayer at your birthday, but she might be a really COOL party princess!"

He just keeps trying and has such high hopes and patience despite getting nipped every time he speaks up and reaches out. That's why he stayed un-miserable for so long before tipping over and getting Peri assigned to him. Tell him how high to jump and he'll do his best without even asking "How high?"

So he took that leap with Hazel. And the floor went out from under him.

I read once that if your natural response is to close off when you're struggling and/or just handle everything yourself even if it's a lot, it indicates your past experiences of reaching out yielded no help, so it's hard to see the point in asking others for help in the future.

I don't have the place I read this on hand and I didn't dive for the sources back then, so take it with a grain of salt, but it's all I've been thinking about while watching Dev in this show.

btw, I had to rewatch part of "Lost and Founder's Day" to grab that screenshot, and it's hilarious to me that even when he's talking to his own son, Dale still introduces himself as "Dale Dimmadome, owner of Dimmadome Global." He's just like his dad.

Okay... Blue smoke? Anti-Fairy time??

OHHHH, it's the man of the hour!! Welcome back, loser!

I love the little shift of him flexing his wing. I like how similar the wing is to the old show (Black with blue markings).

Eric Bauza, is that you?? Score!

Okay, I looked it up to see if that was true and first of all, yes it is, and second, he's also credited as Peri's VA, so I love that! I hadn't bothered to check who Peri's VA was, but that literally makes so much sense; their parents have always shared, so of COURSE they'd share too. That's so smart...

Hm... Can't say I'm the biggest fan of Foop's name changing to Irep and I'm not sure I like his design, but maybe it'll grow on me.

That said, the name change is a really clever way to get Irep to explain the lore of how he's the opposite of Peri without being info-dumpy.

I'm glad he kept his facial hair. And he's got big boy fangs! I miss his F-shaped hair curls, though, or maybe I need a better angle.

Hey, he has a dark jacket like the lab coat I gave him in my high school design. I wasn't far off!

No freckles, but in OG canon, they only really showed up when he flushed, so no surprise. I don't expect to see them, but it would be funny if he did flush and they were still there.

Also, I really like the ultraviolet glow of his crown. That makes so much sense.

Insert joke about how Anti-Fairies used to be invisible to the naked eye until Season 5

... He is actually REALLY cute. He looks a lot like his old self.

Are other Anti-Fairies also going to have square heads? I don't mind Foop having a square one if all his species does, but I'll be a bit surprised if he's the only creature with a cube head.

I think it's funny that they took away Peri's eyelashes when he grew up, but left Irep with one. That feels incredibly right.

I love his unique scruffy eyebrows. That's cute.

Irep, who previously had such a traumatizing experience as a godparent that he spent that episode screaming and crying, his magic souring in a range of colors all the way down to green in one of the only appearances of green magic in the series, and literally almost gave up on life before he gained the courage to lash out at Vicky despite knowing full-well his magic would immediately backlash and torture him for it: "I am once again ready to take responsibility for a mean human."

This only exacerbates my analysis of Peri not being ready for godkids and that's flippin' hilarious.

The nerd finally put on shoes!!

Dev wished for it to be tomorrow, so now it's tomorrow (waning crescent, of course).

No Dev-Irep sleepover? Robbed >:(

??? Obsessed with Hazel walking into school chatting about what she spent her night doing. I love how this means Irep just... yoinked Dev forward in time.

/horse in the hospital voice: I didn't know he could do that.

This episode's set-up & plot is just great in general.

Everyone else has gone to bed and Dev's had no sleep or breakfast. He needs a snack.

Ooh, wait- what? Mace wand!! ... I don't think I'll keep that in my canon, but that's a clever way to parallel Poof's staff. It's funny to me that the posh British boy did not get a staff. He WOULD like bashing people with the mace, huh?

It delights me to see Irep left-handed. He's been a leftie since the day he was born, all through to Season 10 :')

I like how Irep started crying when Dev told him he was "better than Peri." I mean... He's not wrong- that IS literally all Foop-Irep has wanted to hear since the minute he was born.

He is literally the same person he's always been. lol.

"Best of Luck" & "Two and a Half Babies"

I wonder if he's still claustrophobic, because that was, like... his big thing after escaping Abracatraz. I doubt it will come up (and he's much older now), but since he's an antagonist, I assume he has a weakness, and that would be an interesting one to bring back.

-> Actually if I'm remembering right, it was his alternate personality's phobia (Foop vehemently denying it while his alter literally screamed at the top of his lungs and doubled down), which is definitely implyin' somethin' about which of them remembers Abracatraz better. Hmm...

FINALLY! I don't think we ever got to see umbrellas open indoors as a form of bad luck in the OG series. It's one of those tiny questions always floating in the back of my mind, sdklfj.

I like how Dev still went to class. He has rule-breaking magic at his fingertips and this is where he's spending his time.

I guess it's not like he can leave the school; his whole goal is to get in that schoolwide Rock, Paper, Scissors competition.

I like Hazel eating from her popcorn bucket of 4-leaf clovers.

is Irep going to try to poke her and then, like... break out in hives or something? lol.

[dogloveri23]

Don’t leave me…please

Pairing: Suguru Geto x reader

Warning: Angst,heartbreak

A/n: I regret ever picking up jjk. I love the anime but it tears me into pieces more than my own writing. Anyway expect some angst in the coming days.

"If I left for good, would you be sad?", You heard Suguru ask. His eyes didn't seek yours like they used to. Instead, they remained fixed on the roof of your bedroom. It was out of the blue.

You'd been enjoying the comfortable silence between you both as his head rested idly in your lap. Drinking in each other's presence and enjoying the silent company. The empty cups of tea sat on your desk and the scratches of pencil against paper filled the room

"What kind of question is that, Suguru? You aren't planning something stupid, are you? Leave the stupid plans to Satoru," you scolded with a small smile on your face and yet his expression remained the same. Stoic. You glanced at him briefly before adjusting the nose on your sketch of him.

"Why? Because he's the strongest?", He asked.

Your eyes widened as you watched him, your once busy hands freed up to stroke his hair. He seemed to realize the impact of his actions a few moments later and shot you a small smile. It was too late. You'd seen straight through him. He had been bothered by something but you'd never expect it to be about Gojo.

"You're both considerably strong Geto. Who's stronger doesn't really matter as long as you're both safe. But to answer your question...if you left... death would be my only solace."

His breath hitched as the subtle rising and falling of his chest stopped. His head snapped to look you in the eyes finally. His black eyes stared into yours.

"Don't say that."

"What?"

"Even if I left, I don't want you to stop living, ever. Do you understand?", He asked, his usual softness replaced by complete firmness.

You swallow harshly and send him a small nod. At the time it was an odd conversation between you both. It made no sense to you but he was your senior, you didn't think anything of it. You were a first year and yet you'd captured him entirely. Whether it was your sound course technique, your cute doodles or your ability to bake, you wrapped him around your finger.

The subtle glances you shot his way and the sly jokes you make, all of it made him love you even more.

"Stay safe. Don't be too hasty, don't get too close, okay?", He instructed as he got up from your lap, so you could get ready. It was your first solo mission and he was meant to head to a village to resolve issues there.

"Suguru, I'll be fine."

"Just come back in one piece okay?"

"I will," you said, smiling brightly at him.

If you'd known what would happen in that village, you'd have kissed him. You'd have forced him to stay. You'd have admitted you loved him there and then. You'd let him hear it from your own lips and absorb it into his soul. You'd have done everything in your power to stop him and take on the mission yourself. You wouldn't be storming past a crowd of people in Shinjuku trying to reach him.

"Geto, please stop this!"

"I'm sorry. But this is where our paths must differ."

"Geto, please! Please don't do this", You yelled to him causing him to stop.

He allowed you to close the distance between you both till you were standing in front of him. He had looked worse. Worse than he did before. He looked like he slept less than he did before.

"God. I've missed you. I really have," He said.

"Geto, please... come home."

"I can't", He said flashing you a smile. The smile you'd always loved, especially when he directed the smile towards you. But you didn't want it this way. Not in this situation.

"Why? Why can't you! Don't you care? About Gojo? Shoko? me-"

"I care more for you than you can imagine."

"I don't-"

"I love you. I love you, I want you to be alive. That's part of the reason I'm doing this"

"Killing an entire village, I don't understand Suguru"

He laughed softly. His hand reached out to yours as he brought it up to his lips and pecked it. They were soft, you'd always imagined what it would be like to feel them against you but it wasn't like any of the fantasies in your head. It was more solemn. His hand rested under your chin as he tilted your face upward.

He paused as his eyes scanned your face. He was drinking in your appearance, every detail of how you looked and every memory of how you felt. He revelled in them because he wasn't sure when next he'd see you. He didn't want you to meet the same fate as the others. If killing all non-sorcerers was how he was going to stop it. He would kill them a thousand worlds over.

He brought his face closer to yours as his other hand rested on your waist. "I love you y/n. I always have. I always will. My actions don't have to make sense. Just know that I'll always think of you, I'll always only want you. Stay safe till I come back."

His lips collided with yours before you could respond. They fit together perfectly like it was always meant to be like this. You and him together. His lips accommodated yours, they danced alongside yours to a song that only the both of you knew. It was perfect. He was perfect for you.

He broke the kiss apart slowly and pecked you once more on the forehead before turning to leave. "I love you too Suguru...Don't leave ...please," you whispered as he made his way farther and farther away from you and into the abyss of the crowd. A small smile on his face and his mind filled with memories of the both of you.

[drop-dead-dropout]

Fuck's a pro shipper?

We've got a new one boys try not to scare em off /j

Okay but seriously, I'm more than happy to explain. I assume that if you're asking this question you're not aware of the proshipper vs antishipper, uh, "conflict", I guess. So, here is what both of those terms mean, to the best of my descriptive abilities:

Antishipper (often just "anti"): someone who vaguely believes that consuming problematic fiction (usually specifically problematic sexual fiction like lolicon or incest) is either a true reflection of them as a person or a corrupting force that will cause them to play out these desires in real life, onto real people. Basically, if you read age gap, you touch real kids in real life or secretly want to.

Proshipper (sometimes "profic"): someone who does not believe the above, and believes that fiction is not the same as reality because it doesn't harm anyone and therefore people should be left alone as long as you have no reason to believe that they would ever do something like that irl. Often hand in hand with things like anti censorship, kink positive, etc, though being a proshipper does not necessarily mean you have a problematic ship or kink yourself (example: me).

You're probably asking this question because you saw me day in my bio that I am a proshipper. I've tried to stay neutral in this initial description, but obviously I probably didn't manage to be completely unbiased considering that I believe myself to be right (most people do) so if you want to ask further questions after this that's perfectly fine. That being said:

Why am I a proshipper?

So, to understand this, let's first look over the issues within both communities— every group has issues, after all.

What problems do proshippers have?:

- sometimes 4chan assholes co-opt the label "proshipper" just because they're lolicons, even though there's good evidence to suggest that they would do or even have done criminal sexual acts in real life, or that they possess actual csam (child sexual abuse material, a term being used in favor of "cp" these days as porn implies consent). Proshipping has nothing to do with the harmful idea that you should be allowed to exploit and abuse real children.

- there are still many gray areas which proshippers themselves don't agree on. For example: I've seen a bunch of arguments about if writing fanfiction of live action shows or movies changes the equation. The general consensus of proshippers is that writing fanfiction of a character played by a child actor is definitely a more delicate situation and should not be sexual as it's inextricably tied to the image of a real child, but there are others who believe differently.

- I'm genuinely struggling to come up with more of these. Um, sometimes lolicons are really shitty people, like in point 1. This isn't SUPER relevant though cause in reality the overlap between predominantly queer or female proshippers and Reddit incels who just wanna jerk off to a petite anime girl is pretty small, though I'm sure it exists somewhere .

Now, what problems do antis have? (Fair warning, this is gonna sound even more "biased" but I hope my logic is still sound from the outside :p):

- I don't have any statistics on this (haven't exactly been many research papers on fandom drama), so you're going to have to trust me when I say that antis are absolutely NOTORIOUS for extreme harassment campaigns. The first time I was exposed to the word "antishipper", it was attached to a story of a former animator committing suicide because antis had gotten them fired by "exposing" their porn alt on Twitter and they could no longer afford medication for their disability. So, hell of an intro!

- their opinions are, in pretty basic ways, not backed by science or even practical common sense. The human brain can distinguish between fiction and reality after around age four or five

and people certainly aren't trying to hand nsfw content to children that age so I think it's safe to say that the people who are reading these things won't be "confused" by them or whatever. Also, even just using your brain and talking to these people, you find out most of them project onto the YOUNGER character.

- they claim to support victims but often simply don't. I won't keep dragging threats into the spotlight because I know there are probably antis who aren't as violent, but it's honestly astonishing to me how often they jump straight to wishing death and terrible things on people, and this has included more than once telling a rape victim they hope they get assaulted again just because they're a proshipper. See, a lot of these "taboo" sexual fantasies like age gap and incest actually themselves stem from a traumatic experience, and any therapist will tell you that fiction is a much healthier way to explore intrusive thoughts and urges than more dangerous coping mechanisms like self harm or substance abuse. And when confronted with this, in my experience and many others', antis will simply ignore that fact or say that the therapist is some sort of evil enabler.

-the general cognitive dissonance of believing an incest fanfiction will make you "forget" that incest is bad vs being fine with horror movies and slashers speaks to a deeper and honestly kind of worrying anti-sex mindset. I'm not sure I'm qualified to tackle this particular topic, but I definitely agree that it's a thing; after all, I have no idea how else those two things could coexist.

Anyways, I'd like to close this off by saying not everyone is as crazy opinionated as I am, I'm just autistic and like talking lol. A lot of people who id as proshippers just have a sort of minding their own business, ship-and-let-ship mentality, and a lot of antis are unfortunately just teenagers who were told proshipper = evil pedophile groomer and thus they put "proship dni" in their bios just cause they don't know and don't really care what it means. It is undeniable that many antis are kids themselves, and that does worry me, because fandom drama (especially Twitter fandom drama) is dangerous and vitriolic and also they're putting extremely serious threats on their digital footprints at the tender age of 14! But whatever, I'm not their parents, that's just my worry. Sorry for rambling this long lol, I wouldn't blame you if you dropped out halfway through but this is basically my summary of this whole thing. Do with this knowledge what you will! Or, you know, don't! I'm not a cop!

[snek-panini]

The last of my Binderary books, #10 and #11, are here! This is The Mathematical Improbability of Reaching the Stars by cassieoh and D20Owlbear and it is another very long fic that I had to split into two volumes. It's a wonderful Good Omens human!AU with believable relationship development and very likeable OCs. I like to go into summaries at this point in my binding posts but I have trouble pinpointing the reason I like this one so much. It's just compelling and I like spending time with these characters. It reads like an original story and yet it's undeniably a GO fic. I don't know how else to phrase it.

I had a major disappointment with the bind, though. As you can no doubt see in the photos above, there was major glue leakage when I did the htv and it ruined my book cloth. That's a homemade paper-backed cloth and it's this wonderful textured green fabric (I think it's polyester but it's shiny and lightweight) but it did not like that silver foil htv At All. Really sad that it turned out like that. The silver leaves were also an absolute nightmare to weed. So many teeny tiny pieces, and I had to do four of them. I stand by the design, it's very pretty and I still think it fits the book, but I have got to find another option for putting titles on homemade cloth. I've done five of them now and I have this issue every time.

More photos under the cut! It is still a very pretty set, even with the cover issues.

You can see the fabric texture really well on the backs, and there's no glue issue there either. Part of me wishes I'd left the front covers blank like the backs. I love how the spines turned out; that's black faux leather and it always takes htv like a champ. I like how I did the titles here too. I really wanted them on the spines but it's such a long title that I'd have had to scrunch it down really small to make it fit. Weeding tiny text is always a pain and it limits the fonts you can use and still be legible, but splitting it up like this? Love it. Looks so good on my shelf.

Silver foiled edges! I had trouble getting the foil to stick, like always, but I ended up sort of layering it over the unstuck parts and got this kind of patchy look that I love. Handmade double core endbands, and this is one of the most complex patterns I've done in endbands so far. I love them and think they came out really beautiful.

The endpapers are this beautiful chiyogami leaf pattern. I bought these for this fic before I'd even started typesetting it because I knew they'd be perfect. Chiyogami is my favorite thing to use for endpapers lately, I love it so much.

I went really simple on the typeset here. It's a contemporary story, as opposed to a lot of the historical and fantastical ones I tend to bind, and I thought the sleek typeset suited it. I'm not as in love with the title page as I could be but I do like it. It's about the text, not the flourishes, once you get into the meat of the story.

One fun typesetting thing I was able to do with this one happened in the headers and footers. Usually I do page numbers at the bottom, author's name on the top left and title on the top right, but the combination of two authors and a really long title meant the headers got really unwieldy. They were too long and bled into the body text. So I split them up like this, and I love it! Looks so sleek. I've been looking for an excuse to do it like this again on other typesets but it hasn't fit anything yet.

And that's that! I asked for author permission for these but never heard back, so I hope they're both ok with what I did. I'm overall pleased with the results (and in love with parts of it) and I know what I still need to work on.

This is the last of my Binderary books! 11 is too many! I'm never doing that many books in a month again! Now I've got everything posted I feel like I can move on to new projects, though it may be a bit before I have any new books to post. I've got a format experiment in mind.

[useless19]

Do you think Bowser has hinted at marriage once in awhile randomly or do you think he's chilled out about rushing things finally. Sure he was pretty dead set on marrying the Princess not only from his own interests and political benefits but prehaps abandonment issues caused him to see marriage as mostly a way to insure himself they wont leave him since it a final say writen on papers? (divorce exist but if you got unspoken issues the smaller details are usually ignored)

Honestly I've always been fascinated by peoples take on Bowsers possible attachment or abandonment issues

He absolutely has.

"Or I could just lock you in the dungeon when it's time for you to go back," Bowser said. He laughed when Luigi started to protest. "I know, I know. No kidnapping. It was a joke." -Bowser, in the middle of planning Luigi's kidnapping.

I imagine a lot of the earlier proposals got passed off with a similar 'I'm joking' sort of thing. But because Luigi's still got fairly low self-esteem, he takes Bowser's word when he brushes off Luigi's bemusement with a 'I'm not being serious' or the like whenever Luigi comments on a pretty place and Bowser hints that it might be a good place to have a wedding.

Ultimately, Days!Bowser had a (at his best) distant dad, a mum who died when he was barely old enough to remember her but not young enough to have not remembered her at all, and some relatives who couldn't be around very often for their own safety. And then he only reinforced that by kidnapping people. So yes, he sort of thinks that marriage will make someone stick around (and it did during the main plot!).

(I considered going for a Bowser who lost both his parents at a terribly young age (playing into the fact that some of the Yoshi games refer to him as King Bowser, even though he's a pretty young kid), but a Bowser who has literally never been accountable to anyone is going to be different to the Bowser I was putting together for Day 7/9.)

Anyway, this means it comes as a shock the first time Bowser goes all out on a proposal. Luigi is not a fan of surprises or being the center of attention, and Bowser's not going to half-arse something as important as a proposal. It'll be loud, there'll be a crowd, and Luigi's going to have the frightful time of figuring out how to say 'no' without Bowser assuming that's the end of the relationship. (He doesn't do great).

Luigi escapes the resulting fiery chaos and retreats to his room. He feels awful and has some miserable thoughts on whether or not this relationship is viable if they keep having stuff like this happen. (It's not been that much that often, Luigi's just spiralling here). He gets ready for bed automatically, but doesn't get any sleep.

And trying to figure this out turned into just writing fic... It's first draft, but here you go.

Luigi yelped when his bedroom door slammed open. Bowser stomped in, only to stop short when he noticed Luigi.

"Knock, please," Luigi said.

"You haven't escaped yet?" Bowser said.

Luigi clutched the heavy book he'd been trying to use to send him off to sleep. "Do I have to escape?" he asked carefully.

"Not yet," Bowser said. He began to pace around Luigi's room.

Luigi put the book aside and laced his fingers together. It was hard to even know where to start. How were you supposed to tell your partner that you weren't ready for marriage when they so obviously were?

"I'm sorry I messed things up," Luigi said.

"You should be," Bowser snapped.

Luigi flinched. Bowser stopped pacing and took a deep breath.

"I'm furious," Bowser said on the out breath.

"I'm sorry, I -"

"You said you wouldn't leave without telling me why," Bowser said, looming over Luigi.

"Do you want me to leave?" Luigi asked.

"What? No!"

Luigi patted the bed next to him. Bowser huffed. Instead of sitting next to Luigi on the mattress as Luigi had intended, Bowser slumped to the floor and leant his head on his folded arms on the bed.

"I don't want to leave," Luigi said.

"Then why didn't you say yes?" Bowser asked, a note of hurt in his voice.

"Because I don't want to get married yet," Luigi said. "It's a lot to say yes to. It's a huge decision."

"Figures I managed to bag the one mushroom person afraid of commitment," Bowser grumbled. "What do you think a relationship is except a precursor to marriage?"

Luigi hadn't considered it like that. "I don't know. There's still a lot we haven't talked about with... us and everything it entails."

"The proposal can be a surprise but the engagement shouldn't be," Bowser said.

Luigi blinked in surprise. "Exactly. Where did you hear that?"

"Can't remember." Bowser shrugged, knocking Luigi off balance.

Luigi lifted his hand to put it on Bowser's arm then hesitated. Would his touch even be welcome right now? When he dropped his arm, he caught sight of Bowser's red eye watching him.

"Hate me so much you can't stand the thought of touching me?"

"No." Luigi braced himself. "Do you hate me?"

Bowser closed his eyes. "I asked you to marry me a few hours ago, what do you think?"

"I think a lot of people would hate someone for saying no."

Bowser huffed and reached out to pat Luigi's leg. If he wanted to hurt Luigi, it would have been so easy, but he didn't. Luigi reached forward and threaded his fingers through Bowser's coarse hair. Something he hadn't realised was tense relaxed as Bowser gave a rumble of contentment.

"Was it just a no?" Bowser asked. "Or was it a not now? Because it felt like the former, but you waffled a lot before you got there."

"That's it exactly," Luigi said, relieved beyond measure at finally getting the right words. "I don't want to get married now, but I might change my mind in the future."

The lateness of the hour hit Luigi and he was unable to stifle his yawn. It must have been gone midnight by now. Tomorrow was looking better than it had been, but too little sleep wouldn't help anyone.

"We should probably try to get some sleep," Luigi said, untangling his fingers from Bowser's hair with a pang of disappointment. "Would you stay with me, tonight?" he blurted out before he could wimp out of asking for what he wanted again.

"In here?" Bowser waved at Luigi's quite-big-for-Luigi-but-small-for-Bowser bed.

"If that's okay?"

Bowser crawled onto the bed. There really wasn't much room for Luigi, but he'd spent enough time in too-narrow or too-short beds on adventures that he could probably doze off. Bowser curled his hand around Luigi's body. Luigi put his hand over Bowser's finger.

Heavy, absurdly long breaths were becoming a welcome sound to drift off to. Luigi snuggle down, enjoying the extra warmth a fire-breathing Koopa added.

"How long will it take before you're ready?" Bowser asked in a tone that he'd probably meant to be casual but missed by miles.

How long did it usually take before people were comfortable taking the next step in a relationship like this? Luigi had known people with whirlwind engagements who would have had a kid already on the way at this point, and others who had been together more than five years before they even hinted at marriage.

And it didn't matter how other people did it, Luigi had to figure out what worked for Luigi.

"I don't know," Luigi said. He clutched Bowser's fingers. "If I try to pick a date, then I don't know if I'll be ready by then and the extra anxiety over whether or not I'll be ready by then will probably just make it take longer. And I don't think you'll do very well with a specific date to get your hopes up for."

Bowser grumbled unhappily, but didn't disagree. Luigi rubbed Bowser's claw with his thumb and was relieved when Bowser gave him a gentle squeeze in return.

"I can promise that when I'm ready, you'll be the second person to know," Luigi said.

"After Mario?" Bowser said, disgruntled.

"After me," said Luigi.

Bowser laughed sleepily.

[inmate62763]

Like your blog! Do you think you will ever go back to prison?

I read somewhere that in HMP / British prisons you get a "Welcome pack" when you first enter the prison and get processed. What does that mean and what does it include? Hope you don't mind me asking but I don't know much about UK prisons

Hi. Thanks ever so much. I'm very pleased you like my blog!

Yes, I know what you are referring to. Things vary a bit depending on which prison you end up in over here in the UK but generally it's the same sort of things you will receive. Please bear in mind that the things I am about to list apply to when I was in prison 8 years ago so what I describe may have changed a bit now but it will be mostly the same sort of stuff.

One of the questions you get asked when being processed at reception and intake is wether you are a smoker or not and this will determine what type of welcome pack you get. For instance I was and still am a non-smoker so I had the non-smokers welcome pack which consisted of a toiletries bag with soap, toothpaste, toothbrush, hand towel, hand sanitiser, roll of toilet paper, tea bags, coffee sachets, some cartons of long life milk and some suger sachets. Also had a phone card with £3 worth of credit on it and your prisoner rule book. You also get issued with your own plastic plate, cutlery and mug. The smokers pack is virtually the same but you get less tea bags, coffee etc in that pack and you get some vape sticks instead (used to be tobacco and papers but replaced with vapes now). Even if you don't smoke I advise you to still ask for the smokers pack because vape products are a extremely useful form of currency in prison. I regularly bought vape products from the prison canteen list / commissary because of it being a useful form of currency even though I didn't smoke.

The other things I got at the same time as my welcome pack was my prison clothing issue. This consisted of the following:

1 x short sleeve HMP prison stripe shirt, 1 x long sleeve HMP prison stripe shirt, 2 x green t-shirts, 2 x HMP prison blue denim jeans, 2 x grey sweatpants, 1 x grey sweatshirt, 5 x white boxer shorts, 5 x white socks, 1 x wolly hat, 1 x outdoor jacket. A little tip with HMP prison issue stuff... always size up one size with the prison issue jeans and shirts. They always seem to be a bit smaller than the size they should be. I was a 32 inch waist and when I tried to put the prison issue 32W jeans on I couldn't even do up my button and zip on them so size up one usually. Same applies with the shirts because they shrink a bit in the wash. In some UK prisons these days you can also wear items of your own clothing with certain restrictions and this will be explained to you at intake but back when I was in prison a few years ago I was in prison issue stuff.

As for the question of if I will ever go back to prison, the answer is probably not even though I admit I do miss it sometimes. My life is completely different and settled now and I've not been in trouble at all since my release 8 years ago so no I probably won't ever go back but can never say never as you never know what life throws up!

Thanks for the questions and if you need further information please message me.

Best wishes.

62763.

[thelampisaflashlight]

A Little Thing

[Very short. Dew learns he's a dad and takes things in stride. Mentions of a baby being in the NICU.] Below the cut.

Dew stares at the incubator, watching a tiny hand wrap around his finger.

"She's so small..." he whispers, awestruck, and the nurse beside him smiles sweetly.

"Strong though. Very strong." she assures him, "She's getting better at eating on her own."

"...And her mom?" he asks, gasping when he feels the tiniest squeeze on his pinkie.

"She looked well." she informs him, looking down at the clipboard in her hands, "...She hasn't changed her mind though. She signed the papers this morning and-"

"...When can I take her home?"

The nurse hums thoughtfully.

"I can't guarantee it will be soon, but she has been looking better over the last day or so." she says, "If she manages to get through her next couple of feedings without issue, she should be able to go home as early as this Friday, so long as she passes the car seat test."

"...And if she doesn't?" Dew frets, "What happens then?"

"She'll stay here a little longer then."

"I see... Did..." Dew wets his lips, "Did her mom... did her mom give her a name?"

She shakes her head.

Dew looks down at the baby.

His baby.

At her little, scrunched up face, at the little birthmarks that sit either side of her forehead where she'd have horns if she were a full ghoul kit, and at the subtle point to her ears....

He laughs.

"I can't think of a single name." he runs his free hand over his face, "I didn't... I haven't brainstormed a single one."

Dew tries not to overthink things, tries to focus on what the NICU staff told him, but it's hard not to when he's here, home, in the kitchen, while the baby is back at the hospital.

He feels like he's left a piece of himself back there.

An important, precious piece that he needs to get back as soon as-

"Dew? Dewy? Why're you pacing a bag of potatoes?" Swiss claps his hands, drawing Dew from his thoughts.

"...She weighs 6lbs." he mumbles, hefting the bag, "She weighs 6lbs. Swiss, that's not a lot, but I keep... I keep thinking. I keep thinking how that's not a lot..."

"She...? Who? Dew, bud, are you okay?"

"...I went by the hospital earlier." he says, "She's 6lbs."

"Oh." Swiss' eyes widen, recalling what Dew had told them a month ago now, "Oh, wow, that's... that's earlier than..."

He clears his throat.

"She though? You've got a daughter then?"

And that makes Dew pause.

"Yeah... Y-Yeah, I've got a daughter." he sets the bag down, feeling a little lost without something in his arms, "Swiss, I'm a dad."

Swiss wraps his own around the shorter ghoul, rubbing his back

"You're a dad."

Dew's eyes water as he settles into the embrace, sniffling.

"I'm a dad."

.

.

.

It takes about a week before his daughter can come home.

She wails most of the car ride home, thankfully, Dew isn't the one driving -Swiss is, because he offered first, much to Cirrus' disappointment, because, "I can only bring one other person into the NICU-"...-, so he can focus most of his energy on soothing her, which goes better than expected considering she's asleep by the time he gets the car seat unlatched and brings it stealthily (Again, Swiss is a real champ for this one, distracting curious siblings and other clergymen as Dew tries to sneak an entire living creature inside the building undetected and unbothered.) down to the ghouls' den.

The others are already waiting for him when he arrives, sat in the common room trying desperately not to get up from their seats to steal the baby greet him.

"She's so little..." Rain breathes, cradling Dew's baby in his arms on the couch.

"She gets that from her daddy." Swiss jokes, earning a small slap on the back from Cirrus, "Sorry."

"She's big for a kit." Aether hums, brushing a hand over the loose, black curls on the baby's head, "That's probably why she came so early... kits are usually half her size when they're born."

"What did you wind up naming her?" Sunny asks, turning to Dew, who is anxiously waiting for his friends to return his baby to him, which they do, once Swiss nudges Rain to give her back.

"Lily." Dew says, adjusting his grip, "...I thought, I thought it was kind of cute."

Dew flushes when the others coo.

"So, are we still going through with the plan?" Aether asks and Dew nods.

"Plan?" Cumulus raises an eyebrow, "What's this?"

Aether moves to sit beside Dew.

"Well... someone will need to stay home with Lily when tour starts, because a tour bus is no place for a newborn, let alone with a bunch of sleep deprived musicians..." Aether begins, "And you all know I've been wanting to take a break from traveling so much, and Dew's contract is still ongoing so... We're gonna co-parent?"

"You sneaky little-" Cirrus huffs, turning to Dew, "When were you going to tell us this?"

"I was going to tell you a little later on, but, well..." Dew dips his chin towards the baby in his arms, "...timeline jumped forward a bit."

"...And Mountain is okay with a baby living in his room part time?" She questions, looking to the tall ghoul, who has yet to say anything beyond a very tiny, "Hello" upon getting his turn to hold Lily.

"What's one more flower?" Mountain shrugs, "I already share a room with one baby-"

"Hey."

"-Point is, I'm fine with it." he says, "...Besides, I'm sure we're all going to wind up babysitting this little one from time to time, so I might as well get used to a bit of crying. Again, from Dew, not the baby-"

"I don't cry-"

The others look at him.

"-often. I don't cry often."

"..."

"It's hormones."

"..."

"...I hate you guys."

[honeybee-bard]

Writing Interview Tag Game

My internet is finally back! Thank you to @nyx-knox for the tag. It's a long one, so buckle the fuck up y'all.

When did you start writing?

I'm the child of two English majors and I wrote little stories in my journals as a kid, probably as young as five or six. I started writing fanfiction specifically when I was about 15 and wrote Ed Sheeran smut and putting it on tumblr, which I absolutely should not have been doing for internet safety reasons but what's done is done and tbh it was some solid writing. I then stopped writing for an entire decade due to mental health issues. I started writing my Falling Star fic in...April, probably? So between that and my WIPs, I went a decade without writing and then suddenly pumped out a couple hundred thousand words in less than six months. Go big or go home I guess!

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

Honestly, not really. I'm a slut for spawn Astarion smut what can I say.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

There are none I can remember ever being compared to, but there are lots of other fic writers that I try to learn a little from each time I read their work.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I still live at home, so my writing space is at my gaming PC at the desk in my bedroom. The entire place is a huge mess and tbh it stresses me out a little but I have a lot going on right now so it is what it is. There's usually coffee and/or weed within arm's reach when I'm writing.

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

Something that's really surprised me in my return to creative writing is how easily inspiration has continued coming to me. Sometimes I worry that I'll lose it, but I keep having more ideas than I can get onto paper, and I've just barely begun exploring writing characters other than Astarion and Wynlana, so I think I'll have enough inspiration to continue writing for a very long time.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

Smut! So much of it! And it doesn't surprise me in the slightest because I am a terrible, horny little goblin bastard.

What is your reason for writing?

I love my job (I work in early childhood education), but I realized it was at the point where it was taking over my entire life. I went on medical leave after having top surgery, and I decided to spend a lot of the time writing. Having a creative outlet has been very good for me, and the added motivation of people actually liking it has been a huge confidence boost.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

One of the first comments I got was complimenting my prose and how everything flowed and I think about it nearly every time I write. Those had been some of my biggest concerns that delayed me posting the first few chapters of the fic, so that comment really meant a lot.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I'd never really thought much about this tbh. I think a lot about how my writing will be perceived, but not so much about how I as a writer might be perceived. I care way too much about what people think of me irl so it's a nice break tbh

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I'm a stubborn bitch which means I'll keep rewriting and reworking a scene until I'm truly proud of it. There have been scenes I've had to change significantly or cut for various reasons, but not many I've scrapped entirely. I'm very persistant.

How do you feel about your own writing?

Honestly, pretty confident! I thoroughly enjoy re-reading what I've written, and all of the feedback I've gotten so far has been positive. It's been a boost to my irl mental health to have something I both enjoy and am good at outside of work, and it's nice for it to be something lower stakes than "keeping 5+ toddlers at a time from trying to kill themselves in the most creative ways possible". I love them, but it's a lot of pressure!

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

Everything I write is something I've decided I might enjoy writing, but sometimes I write something and get really excited knowing my readers are going to love it. The other day I was editing an emotional scene and couldn't wait to show my beta reader because I knew she was going to love it.

No-pressure tags (sorry if any of you have done it already and I just didn't see lol): @bardic-inspo @pinkberrytea @locallegume @marlowethebard @kimberbohwrites

[inkedwingss]

the observer effect (notes to myself)

I've been super busy with my job, and I've also been working on a bunch of personal artistic projects at the same time. Of course, I feel productive, but exhausted and kind of rushed, which I don't like. To me, slow living is not a trend, but a need for which concept I'm constantly going back to— because I truly believe the post-modern schedule is one of the biggest issues we have as human beings right now. Everything is too much, too fast, and the current global mental health conditions can confirm.

We need time to process, feel and be sure of stuff. Thinking through life and choices, meanings and feelings takes time.

Today, after printing zines and drawings (testing and experimenting), I was happy, but anxious. Everything is going as I planned, but I have so many other ideas I want to try, ideas that I might prefer, and things I want to refine. It's not only perfectionism: it's respect for my own creative process, a unique, valuable, and authentic process that will determine my quality, how my message is delivered to my audience and the endurance of what I created. I don't want to be trapped by the fast paced culture that doesn't let us develop the bare minimum skill before trying to make money!

I don't remember where I saw this, or who said it, but it was basically an artist saying how much early exposure can kill the development of skill, that artists are actually supposed to have time away from everything and everyone, time to mess it up and experiment, time to have a mentor maybe, but if not, time to be away from observant eyes and be on your own. ''In physics, the observer effect is the disturbance of an observed system by the act of observation.'' Anyway...

Of course, there is also a bit of perfectionism (that I believe all artists must learn to master, which I still haven't been able to do): '' Maybe... This looks shit and I'm being an idiot. I can see too many mistakes. I need to work harder. Do I even have the time for this? It's going to take ages until it's good enough. For every test, I'm spending my paper and ink! Well, if I want to make any money so this is worth it, I better hurry up!''

So... Another observer is bad, but as my own observer, I am also not very good. Great.

Do you know who is a good one at this? My husband. He just leaves me alone, because he knows I hate people looking over my shoulder as I create something. He gives me space. He doesn't make a big thing out of it, so I'm not embarrassed or pressured by the ''talented, amazing artist'' mask.

When he got home today, I ran to him, as I usually do, and I shared everything I had done. He was excited and appreciative (he is not the kind of person who will compliment just for the sake of ''making you feel good'', and I adore him for that — because I know he is being honest and that means I can be truly authentic, I can question and challenge myself instead of living for pleasing others, which he never—thankfully— allowed me to do). While he was sharing his perspective and making me feel more confident than ever, he said something like:

''You can keep experimenting for as long as you like! I know you enjoy exploring and refining, so you can just try everything until you feel sure!''

My inner child pouted (and so did I). He smiled.

''Even if I make no money out of it?'' I had to ask.

''Of course. Even if you never, ever make any money. I just want you to be satisfied with what you do. You don't need to rush.''

No, but seriously now: that made me cry. I guess I will be taking my time! He hugged me and I said thank you for holding this space for me and all the things I carry, for helping my creativity to be free, tax-free, and to develop naturally, without the pressure of making a profit, of instantly making it work. I do love taking my time, but I also need to point out that having this man who can smell the raw, secret and invisible conditions of my soul from miles away is literally the best thing ever.

He never allows me to lie to myself and to hide, and believe me... I've tried. Resisting is only worse. At some point, I will have to descend into my most vulnerable room, in the underground of my mind palace, and he will be there, sitting, drinking his tea, calmly waiting for me to arrive so we can clean the messy room together.

With that said, I will just be grateful and go back to my creative space, inside this safe frame his masculinity created for me, which is the definition of provision and protection, and I will keep enjoying my process in my own time. No pressure. No rush. Just delight!

(The right observer will disturb you right).

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[grandmascookbook]

New Recipe- Banana Blueberry Bread

(Recipe as always in the image desc.)

When my husband went to mail the cookies for my dad and brother, the kind lady at the UPS store asked him to pass along the message I bake some for the employees. I know she was just being cheeky, but the idea of baking a bunch of cookies and walking them through the local businesses was too exciting. I don't drive, so the shops I can walk to mean a lot to me. Besides, what's the harm in giving back to my community?

But before I could delve too deep into that, I had to do something I'm very bad at: taking care of my own first.

So that meant taking care of the overripe bananas in the kitchen and baking something for me and my husband to enjoy. I never eat the cookies I bake for others usually- this year only differs because I've never MADE these cookies. But banana bread is one of my favorite baked goods to keep in the house as it makes a fantastic breakfast and freezes wonderfully. So I popped up Grandma's book and found this recipe! The type face and paper quality hints this was either my young grandmother's but more likely HER mother's recipe!

Everything came together well but I have to admit... my brain was scrambled. I was already thinking three recipes ahead. Ended up putting in an extra half cup of flour and only 1 and 1/4 tsp of baking powder. The flour issue seems entirely negligible thankfully- I get the idea maybe my grandma and her mother were packing in flour when measuring it, not scooping. Not sure where the lack of baking powder is going to show...

Banana bread can be finicky with me sometimes but this came out looking STUNNING. Easily the prettiest loaf of anything I've made before!

I can see little banana chunks through the seam and the cooked loaf as well. Now the recipe instructs me to wait before trying it, a whole day even, but we will see how long my restraint lasts... in the meantime, I've got more dough to make.

[mistymeow69]

Hi! Im doing a research paper on transracialism, diaracial, ect! If you could pls answer a few questions it would help alot!

How did you find out you were trace? How does being trace affect you? Do you experience racial dysphoria and if so how does it affect you? And what are your overall experiences with this identity?

Thank you

Hello! I'm sorry for taking so long to respond to this, despite using it for a while I'm not too familiar with Tumblr so I didn't even know this was an option for a while, and I still don't know if you'll be notified that I'm responding to it now 😭 but anyway I'll answer below the cut!

"How did you find out you were trace?"

Well, it's kind of complicated. When it comes to being Japanese, I've always had a "feeling" my whole life. I didn't always know what it was, or that it was me being trace, but it was always there in the back of my mind. I won't get into dysphoria too much since that's its own question. But when I saw Japanese culture, Japanese people, etc. I felt... whole. I've always felt like there was something missing from me, I've struggled with identity issues my whole life but considering most people don't believe you can change your race or ethnicity, I never thought it could've been that. I believed I was what I was born as, and that's that. It couldn't be changed. But that didn't take the feeling away. I was obsessed with Japanese culture, I couldn't get enough, I wanted to learn Japanese and move to Japan. But unlike how it'd usually be for someone who just really liked another country's culture, somehow, that wasn't enough.

I started interacting with the "weeb" community, believing I was feeling what they did, but that felt wrong too. Once people started explaining to me why, I became scared of myself. It was because of the stereotype surrounding non-Japanese people who loved the culture, mostly because of the behavior of "weebs"; ignoring the history and culture that isn't pop culture, fetishizing Japanese people, etc. I was so horrified of becoming that type of person, especially in native Japanese people's eyes, that I pushed down all of my interests. I pretended I never loved the culture, I stopped learning the language. I told myself it was weird for someone like me to have fallen so hard for a place like that. I told myself it was unattainable, but it never took away the pit in my chest. It just contributed to the depression I've had my whole life, forcing myself to stop loving the things I do.

Then, in late 2022, there was a trend on TikTok that started; "RCTA", you've probably heard of it; standing for "race change to another". This was my first exposure to the trace community. Everyone else hated them, so I tried to as well. But I'd secretly scroll through the videos, and eventually I stopped trying to conform, I came to terms with myself and accepted that this was what was "wrong" with me my whole life. I made a secret account, it was my first time calling myself Japanese. It felt weird since I wasn't used to it, but... good. Right. Who I really was. The same feeling as when I was first called by he/him, as a trans guy. There were a couple times where the hate got to me, and I convinced myself I wasn't actually trace and that it wasn't real, but it always bubbled up again. Because it's not a mental disorder, or a fetish, or something I'm simply interested in, it's who I am and always was. Everything finally made sense.

"How does being trace affect you?"

I can't say it's the best experience, but it's an undeniable part of me nonetheless. It's made many things hard for me, even though I'm more used to calling myself Japanese now I still get scared. When I make online friends, all I can think about is if they'll find out that I'm not native, and think I'm weird and leave me. Or if I call myself Japanese before or after showing someone my face, if they'll be able to tell that I'm not native. Japanese people often have a more "western" look than other East Asian countries, and many people who are ancestrally mixed don't look like their races at all. But it's still a possibility, sometimes it makes me wonder if I even deserve friends. If identifying how I want is worth the risk of losing everything. If maybe this is all stupid, and I should leave it behind. But every time I try, it just hurts so bad, that I'd rather be alone forever than be with people who don't love me for who I am. Although I've had people accept me before, and to be fair I feel this about a LOT of things due to just general insecurity. But I think things would be easier if I had just been born Japanese.

"Do you experience racial dysphoria? If so, how does it affect you?"

Yes, and it affects me pretty severely. Though I'm often too scared to reach out to anyone about it, because I don't want to look silly. Ever since childhood, whenever someone calls me my deadrace, I feel a sting in my chest, I get a headache and I start to feel cold and dizzy. The same feeling I get when I'm called a girl or my deadname. Even when I pushed myself down, I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep, wishing I had just been born as a Japanese boy. If I didn't have to do any transition, or learn any language, or move countries, or deal with all of the criticism. Things would've been so much easier. Regular people don't feel that. Weaboos don't have mental breakdowns over the fact that they won't ever be able to be themselves to the full capacity they desire. Even to this day, I look in the mirror and pick apart my features. My huge nose, my double lids, etc. the only things that bring me a little bit of peace is to focus on my features that do pass as Japanese, such as my pale skin. I just wish there was more research and awareness around diaracialism like there is with transgender people, because I know there's nothing I can physically do to make myself look more Japanese. I know, who I am on the inside, I'll never fully be on the outside. It hurts the more I think about it, I hate it so much. I'd give anything just to be reborn. Or at least not feel this way.

"What are your overall experiences with this identity?"

Well, I think I've already explained the majority of it. There have been many hardships, but there is also good. I've come out to people, such as my mother and (now ex) girlfriend. They both supported me, well, kind of. My ex was actually very abusive, I hadn't realized until it was too late and she leaked private information about me, including my trace identity. But honestly, I think it gave me the push I needed to stop caring about what other people thought. I call myself Japanese as if I were native, I have the culture and language all around me. I study whenever I can, although I don't have much time or energy because I'm disabled, so I make sure to be kind to myself while also fulfilling those needs. There are communities where I can talk to people just like me. Ever since I accepted myself, even if I can't always be open about it, I've felt so much more like myself. Although I won't pretend that I sometimes get scared and have doubts and run away, I don't regret identifying this way. Because I didn't choose it, it's just who I am.

I really hope this is helpful, I love sharing my experiences with people! Hopefully I'm not too late and this isn't too much, I'm kind of tired right now but I kept forgetting to respond to this so I made myself suck it up and do it (⁠^⁠～⁠^⁠;⁠)⁠ゞ

[imaginidol]

Kyungsoo: Recording My Thoughts Out Loud

"Could we maybe try that line again?" You speak into the small microphone that projects your voice into Kyungsoo's recording booth. He scrunches his face in annoyance, though he is not annoyed at you particularly.

"Okay, ready," he signals a thumbs-up in your direction, and you replay the soundtrack from the demo's pre-chorus.

You and Kyungsoo were currently recording his lines for one of EXO's B-sides for an upcoming comeback. The only issue was that, surprisingly, Kyungsoo wasn't performing as well as he usually did.

"I started thinking of you, but not in the same way that I used to," Kyungsoo sung, pouring his everything into the lyric. He finished, let out a grunt, and motioned for you to re-record it again.

And so, you did.

Followed by another grunt,

and one last re-recording after that.

He was flustered, and you could see it. For a moment, you watched fondly in awe as he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, completely focused on his own thoughts as he wrote something next to the lyric pages in front of him, quietly humming the tune of his adlibs in strive of perfection.

At this point, you weren't even sure if keeping him to record so late at night was truly a mishap or a blessing in disguise.

"I don't know," he muttered into the microphone, "if this even sounds good. This line, right here. What do you think of some improv?" He bit his lower lip, then shot his eyes up to make straight and sudden eye-contact with you, which made your heart skip a heavy beat and force you out of your daydreaming.

"Oh, uhm, okay. What did you have in mind?"

He cleared his throat. "Give me a few minutes, let me try to figure something out," he smiled once he got your approval.

Once again, you found yourself secretly admiring the sight of a deep-in-thought Kyungsoo humming different harmonizations that would better suit the line he was assigned.

"Hmmm-hmmmm," you could, through your own pair of studio headphones, quietly listen into his voice as he did so.

Shit, he sounds so fucking beautiful, you thought quietly to yourself.

"Hmm, hmm, hmm," he continued on, unaware of your admiration.

I could listen to you aaallllll day, you smiled sheepishly to yourself, putting your fingers over your mouth to hide your now obvious blushing. I need to calm down, I can't be unfocused right now!

If anyone ever finds out I'm crushing badly on this fucker, I'll probably get fired or something. Maybe. I've only been here a week. I'm not about to find out.

But who knew... Kyungsoo of EXO is so unbelievably attractive... and he doesn't even try!

His quiet but thoughtful personality, matched with an angelic voice...

Fuck, I love my new job.

"Okay," he shifted his focus back to you, "I think I got it now."

You proceeded to finish recording the rest of his lines flawlessly, and his contribution certainly gave the song more of an EXO vibe than it had before.

"Okay, I'm going to look over the adlibs for the bridge, and then the outro stuff," he smiled. "One minute, please."

"You can have all of my damn time if you want it," you muttered quietly under your breath, once again enjoying the sounds of his harmonization through your headphones.

"This line..." he examined his papers, singing up a scale to slowly make his way to the high note he needed to reach.

"Come with me 'cause I need you right... nooooooooooooww!" He closed his eyes as he gracefully reached the most beautiful vocal note you'd ever possibly heard.

"You're so fucking HOT for that," you whispered into your hand, covering the stupid smile that spread vulnerably across your face.

He tried it once more, this time probably more perfect than the last, if that was even possible.

"I need an inhaler," you giggled and whispered quietly to yourself, "because this man sounds prettier than Baekhyun. Than fucking Baekhyun!"

After about ten or so minutes, you finally ended the recording session, giving Kyungsoo a big thumbs-up as you proceeded to save the computer audio files appropriately while he gathered his things in the booth to leave.

"Well done today, Kyungsoo," you said as encouragingly but also professionally as you possibly could. You were still working, after all, and had to respect him regardless of being co-workers, a fan, a mutual, or not.

"Thank you," he smiled at you, and you offered a smile back as he motioned his way to open the door for you both to exit the recording room.

"Oh," he turned to look at you, placing one hand against the doorknob, "I have a quick question."

"Sure," you looked up at him as you finished zipping up your coat.

"Do you really think I'm better than Baek?"

Your heart dropped. No wait, your face dropped first. Matter of fact, you almost nearly collapsed at the words that slipped his mouth.

"You-- what?"

"Baekhyun," he said, a gentle smile with perfect teeth now spreading curiously over his face. "And I'm hot too, apparently."

"I'm-- WHAT!?"

He let out a comfortable laugh as you felt your face redden, your palms dampening intensely, and your heart practically racing out of your chest.

"You know," he said, motioning towards the desk of the computer and pointing toward a small switch on the left center of the audio console. "This right here mutes your mic. You mute it and unmute it when you want to talk to me in the booth. I think I forgot to show you that when I went over this console's basic things, but I figured you'd find it since you're a session recorder, after all. I guess not."

Shit, you defeatedly cover your face in total embarrassment.

"I'm so sorry, Kyungsoo! I'm really taking this job seriously and I'm not some creepy crazy fan--"

"Don't worry about it," he laughed, wrapping a gentle arm around your shoulders and bringing you into a hug.

Fuck, you thought as the scent of his elegant cologne hit your face.

"I won't tell anyone," he winked, "just as long as you promise to keep doing it. But just with me."

You smiled awkwardly, nodding at his request.

Well, now he just knows what he's doing. And he's good at it.

"Let me walk you out to your car tonight."

Offering you his sweetest smile and gentlest hand to grab, he opened the door for you and, like the gentleman he was, allowed you to walk out first.