#i think i'll talk to my dr abt it tomorrow

[indigo-o]

The Pet clown

Pt 2

I think we know who it's abt lmao

Nikolai gogol x reader PLATONIC

And some fyodor

Reader is a teenager

Tw impatient stuff depression, fyodor drugging, sleep deprivation, those annoying blankets they give at mental hospital even tho it's like -1 degrees Celsius if you know you know, talk of death, yandere fyodor, Manipulation from fyodor, Nikolai gogol, I think that's it so yeah

Angst/fluff

I wish you were here, this room is empty. White walls, heavy doors, thin white blankets, and chained blury windows.

This thin gown can't keep me warm. I know him. He just wants what's best for me. I guess that even means putting me in this room. This room to keep me safe.

Safe from me. No possibility of me hurting. I'm to sick leave this bed and to tired to talk. He says I'm helping him.

Im helping him cleanse the world of evil. So I guess if my pain will save the world I'll stay in this room.

Everybody else deserves to be happy and well so I'll hurt for them. If one death would save the world I'd die.

My body's purple now.

I hear a click at the heavy door. To my surprise it wasn't a anemic rat, it was his pet clown.

"QUIZZZZZ TIMEEEEEE! WHY AM I HERE INSTEAD OF DOS-KUN?! I THINK I HEARD YOU SAY CAUSE HES HAVING FUN! CORRECT!".

I looked at him. My eyes were heavy. But he did bring some color to the room. I smiled at him.

I opened my mouth to talk but I couldn't.

"Oh dove you still can't talk! I forgot! Dos-kun told me to take you outside to have some fun.".

He lied, either were not going to have fun or fyodor didn't tell him anything. Either way I was going to have to walk. I knew I couldn't but I was going to try anyway.

Fyodor knew If I could walk I'd escape from him. So he kept me physically, emotionally and mentally sick. I would have no choice to stay.

As soon as I got to my legs I collapsed, but Nikolai caught me.

"Silly me I forgot you can't walk guess I'll carry you.".

He picked me up as if I were a little kid.

"D-dont dr-rop.". I manged to get out.

"Oh dove I may be crazy but not only do we need you, Dos-kun would kill me, but I want to protect you from harm. Not like you can protect yourself in this state.".

I looked at him. Then laying on him. We proceeded to go through his cape.

We were in what seemed to be his house/apartment.

He went to put me down on his couch but he's so warm.

"Wait w-warm.".

He looked down at me.

"I guess we can go out later.". He picked me back up and took me to his bed. Laying me down cuddled with blankets, pillows and now a pet clown. I shut my eyes and finally went to sleep.

I woke up to Nikolai looking down at me.

"Am I a good pillow?". I realized how I was very much on him.

I nodded my head.

"You want to go outside for a bit dove?". He was using a soft tone.

He wasn't ever like this

Maybe because I'm a teenager but I don't know.

He got up "You slept threw the whole night, but the good thing is we have a whole day today and tomorrow, you know why?".

He leaned in close "I lied Dos-kun is away and he doesn't believe in your freedom so I'm here to show him that you're a good kid who won't run away. You see Dos-kun takes away your warmth so you can't sleep making you so tired that's why you slept for so long he wants you to be weak, weak without freedom. I'm here to give you freedom. To fly like a dove.".

He went to his closet and pulled out some clothes.

"Here's so clothes to wear so we're not caught. That sounds weird. I my dear am a very wanted person so I must look different and you can't really walk let alone the sun should hurt you eyes so if I were to be caught you wouldn't leave be caught up in it.".

What ever he said I guess.

I changed and so did he and he look pretty different

He picked me up and took me to wheel chair that he some how got, but I shouldn't question it.

He placed me in the chair and we Leigt looked like sibling going out for fun.

"F-flowers please.". I looked to him.

"You want flowers we will get flowers.".

We went to florist.

"Hi! What flowers are yall looking for!". She sounded very happy.

"What do you want dear?". Nikolai asked

While I could barely see I knew exactly what I want.

"R-rose and Lillys.".

"Of course dear I'll get right to that!".

The rest of day was amazing

I got flowers, yummy pastries and other stuff.

Who knew a deranged clown could be so kind. But at last we came back to his apartment/house.

He made dinner for us and helped me get to the bed. He tucked me in.

"Good night dove.".

I woke up

Back in the room

The room with white walls, a heavy door, thin blanket and blury chains windows. But now there wad a desk but with roses and lily's on top of it.

I heard the door click. An anemic rat with his pet clown walked in.

"You've proven yourself for now, you may keep your roses and lily's. Nikolai may visit you now and then. One thing. You may not regain full energy but.".

He stopped his words and Nikolais smile grew.

"YOU CAN HAVE A NICER BLANKET AND I CAN READ BED TIME STORYS TO YOU ONCE A WEEK!".

He ran over to with a puppy dog smile.

"Don't make regret this.". The anemic rat walked away throwing the key at the pet clown.

That was alot longer than I expected but I hope yall liked it!♡♡

[assholemurphy]

i am incredibly sad that i only have like, 1 extra adderall left (i may have to find somewhere to buy more from, since i only get like, enough for the month with my prescription, the only reason i had extras this month is bc it took a week for me to be able to get my prescription filled, so i literally had to go a week w/o adderall and i don’t wanna do that again, ever, it was hell, esp bc i ran out of sudafed, too, that week) bc holy fucking shit am i awake. i’m getting so much done. i took a shower and then highlighted all of the units in my script, which is usually hard to focus on bc it’s so dull, and i got another 15 units done, so i’ve only got like 30 left and i’m still wide awake and focused AF. like, i’m p sure that colors have smells, but also, like, the world is so intense and amazing. i feel fucking fantastic. i kinda wanna go skydiving, but like, not until i get my hw done, ya know?

but i’ve got 30 more units to do, then i’ve gotta make a graph, but after that, i’m done with the project and can move on. depending on how i feel/what time it is when i get that done (bc if it’s past 3:30/4a, i can’t sleep, i’ve got to stay up bc if not, i won’t wake up in time for class, but also, if i still feel this awake, then there’s rly no point to sleeping bc i won’t be able to, anyway) i might sleep, or i might start working on my playwriting assignment (bc that’s due mon @ 2p and i’ve got to write 6 1-min monologues for my characters) and watch the first 30min of shrek: the musical (bc i gotta have that done by fri @ 9a bc we’re watching it in class and that’s where we’re picking up at since the audio wouldn’t work in class, so it’s hw to watch the first 30 of it, but we can watch all of it, if we want, idk if i will, i’ve got too much to do and if i watch all of it, then there’ll be no point of going to class bc i hate rewatching things bc i’ve got a damn near eidetic memory for movies/books and certain other things, depending on how much i’m paying attention, but almost always books/movies unless i find them boring and don’t care abt them, so it would be stupid to watch all of it and then be bored in class), then maybe read some of after the fall (the script i’m pulling my monologue from for acting i) and do the assignment that goes with that (bc it’s due tues @ 9:30a). after that i should do my therapy hw (we’re still working on stuck points and i’ve got like, 5 more sheets, maybe more, to fill out) bc that’ll be due at my next counselling appt, which i think is next week, i’ll have to call them, but it’ll take abt an hour and it’ll emotionally drain me.

i think that’s abt it for hw, tho, but all of that’ll take roughly 9 hours, which means i def won’t be able to do it all tonight, but i can get most of it done if i don’t sleep, which means i’ll have more time for sleep/writing/literally everything else on the weekend. i might even be lucky enough to be able to get drunk. maybe. i’d have to start drinking at like, 3p and stop at like, 6p for it to all be out of my system so i can get to bed by 2/3a. so that’s a maybe. but a nice maybe.

ofc, i’ve got non hw stuff to do, too. i’ve got to make a list of roommate requirements so i can start looking for a new one (i’ve also got to talk to goldilocks to see when she plans to move out, bc like hell am i moving out, all the bills except her half of the lease are in my name and most of the furniture (aside from her personal stuff and the coffee table) is mine and i don’t want to have to move ALL of it out and into a new place, plus it’s her decision to not be roommates, so it’s on her, not me, and i won’t budge, not this time). then i’ve got to get my study/organization binder made so things’ll be easier to keep track of. i’ve got to do some cleaning (taking out the trash, cleaning up my side of the living room (we didn’t divide it, it’s just where the couches are so we stick to our couches most of the time) and the coffee table). then laundry, gotta do laundry, i’m almost out of socks.

ofc, i might have to start on my part of the second part of the group project. i wanna design costumes for the play, if neither of the others is doing that, which i hope they aren’t, bc i don’t know enough abt any of the other elements of production to do something else. but if i have to, i can try to do sound, maybe, that’s my second choice. so, i may have to start on that this weekend. i’ll talk to hurricane bianca and tim the toolman taylor and see what they’re doing for it probs on fri if not tomorrow at rehearsal. then i can start on my part and get it finished ahead of time to prove i’m capable, when i’ve got my shit together and am not having a breakdown every week. then, after i talk to prof j abt what i’m supposed to do for the show (something with finding times for freeze frames and spotlights, which is fun, but i’m worried my comdic timing isn’t the same as everyone else’s bc i’m autistic, so my sense of humor is a bit skewed, ya know? but anyway, prof j specifically told goldilocks (who is stage manager, i’m one of two assistant stage managers) to have me do it, so i’m afraid i’m being set up to fail bc i know nothing abt theatre, rly, and i’m always paranoid abt these things, but i’m also kinda thinking it might be bc she actually thinks i can do it, which sounds unrealistic, but she’s not a mean person, so i’m willing to bet it’s that one. but i need to ask her what all she needs me to do, bc goldilocks has no clue, which was so fucking helpful, what a great stage manager she is (no, srsly, idk if i bitched abt this earlier or not, but she’s absolutely horrible at this shit so far and i can’t stand working under her bc i hate working under incompetent ppl bc i feel it makes me look incompetent, too, if the job isn’t done right, even if it’s not my fault bc i wasn’t in charge and i’m always, always terrified to look stupid or incapable in the eyes of others). so, i’ve got to ask prof j abt what all i need to do bc i’m p sure the advice given to me by the lighting tech (who is apparently a decent stage manager, tho i doubt it, truly, she doesn’t have the personality for it, she’s too pushy and it makes her hard to work with, but that might just be bc i don’t like her as a person, so i’m reserving judgement until i see her in the position) is wrong bc it makes no sense, is way too hard, doesn’t actually help with anything and gives me a headache (bc mapping out the goddamn blocking is impossible when the actors do diff things every fucking night, wtf??? do the same shit, you assholes! but it’s also useless bc it doesn’t tell anyone where the spotlights/freeze frames should be, and blocking isn’t my job, it’s the other asm’s (who i don’t have a nickname for, but will probs have before the end of rehearsal) so why she’s not doing it, idk???) so i’ll ask tomorrow.

so, i’m looking at 9 hours hw now, then 30 min of cleaning, 3 hours of other paperwork shit, and potentially 4 hours of hw and 2 hours of theatre stuff this weekend. which means i can get at least 10 hours of sleep per night and get some writing done, if i finish most of my hw now. i think that’s worth one sleepless night. it rly is. so, here’s to hoping for at least one day off this week.

but if i don’t sleep, i’ll probs crash after rehearsal tomorrow night, unless i can convince my friends to come over and hang out, since they won’t be here this weekend and i kinda need their help making the roommate requirement list bc otherwise it’s just gonna be like ‘can’t leave time on the microwave after they’re done using it’ and ‘must know how to use headphones when others are studying in the living room’ and ‘must not whine when i want to stay in my room and do work instead of being around them 24/7′ (tho, goldilocks doesn’t spend much time with me anymore, which is fine, i guess, but it’s a complete 180 from what she used to do and honestly, i’m offended bc i caved and started staying in the living room and now it just feels weird not being in the living room and idk what to do abt any of this). i need real things, too, like, big concerns that i’ll forget abt when writing it, and i need to know if my requirements are petty or things that aren’t specific to most ppl, just goldilocks. and it’d be nice to hang out with them and shit.

anyway, this is rly long and rambly, but i rly need to vent all of this shit somewhere, it helps me sort my brain out. i don’t actually expect anyone to read it and you can always blacklist my personal tag ‘iz says stuff’ if you don’t want this shit on your dash. but if you do read them, then you’re always welcome to come to my inbox and be like ‘quit bitching and get back to work, dumbass’ or something. 

[deadbeatbunni]

A vent, sorry

Today has been hard. I fasted for abt 3 days and then yesterday i had 280 cals, i was planning on abt 400 cals today but i 'binged' and had abt 1000 in total, and i only calling it a binge bc of the way i felt out of control when i was eating. I forget that extreme restriction makes you do this. I ate what would be a small meal for a normal person but my stomach had obviously shrunk and i felt full and sick. However it still just sparked that urge to keep eating, like my body was scared I'd never eat again (considering it tbf lol) I tried to purge but nothing came up bc of the specific foods I ate. I have felt sick for hrs and yet all i can think about is eating a whole pizza!?! Like it would be so hot and salty and cheesy and tasty. But i wont do it. I need to lose 3 lbs in the next week to be at my goal weight for this month and im sure I'll do it. Ive never been this terrified of gaining weight and ive had this disorder for years. i was fine eating this much and a bit more for 3 days in a row last week and somehow today feels like the end of the world

I fucking hate anorexia

Its not fucking fun, i am so ill physically and mentally

And I'm so ill that even though i just went through what caused this, I'm gonna fast tmr to fix the fact that i ate so much today. Because im stupid i guess? Maybe i shouldnt say that, ik its bc of the mental illness. Oh well, i told my boss im sick (not a lie tho) and i have tmr off

Probs gonna cut to get some closure for myself, and I'll try to keep reminding myself that it was OK to eat that food. If dr chris saw my cal intake for today he would tell me off and say its less than a toddler. This is good for my metabolism. I dont wanna go into plateau or that survival mode where some ppl start to gain from fasts. I even had healthy food like protein and fibre rich foods, and fresh veg, and lots of vitamins. I should try to be kind to myself like how I talk to others in this community

Tomorrow is a new day.