#i think i might have bpd instead of my diagnosed mdd

[crazgreenenvy]

Okay so this is legit though. I have proof of this and it's a long story so buckle up:

TL;DR - A therapist and psychiatrist were treating me for a disorder nobody believed I had, but by bringing up my friend's suggestion I was able to get tested for and treated for the right disorder and now I'm closer to a functional human being.

I was diagnosed with MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDER and GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER back in the day as a young adult, and I was on some good anti-depressants and had some panic attack meds and I was in a good place, feeling a-okay! But after giving birth to my kid none of my normal anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds worked. Because I was diagnosed with MDD and GAD before pregnancy they had me seeing a special postpartum depression psychiatrist and therapist (2 ladies)- which is like whatever because there was no indication I had postpartum just 'always depressed and freaking out' which had nothing to do with new baby. The post-partum therapist they had me seeing was even like 'it does not appear you have post-partum depression...' but, I get it, doctors need patients and I was a walking sign for 'this lady might have issues adjusting to parenthood' because of my earlier diagnoses. So, whatever, I accepted it and went to these sessions like 2-3x a month.

The issue comes in because they didn't want to up me on to some of the hardcore meds for depression and anxiety that they give to people with disorders like Bipolar and stuff, so I kept getting worse and worse psychologically. I even went to the local psychiatric emergency room one night after class (grad school).

Well, one day I'm heading to my post-partum therapy sesh and I'm thinkin 'this shit ain't working. I wanna drive off a bridge and it has nothing to do with my kid- I love my kid. I wanna be around for him, but my brain says nononono get rid of yourself'. I remembered one time talking to a friend who had been diagnosed wit BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder (also now called EDD- Emotional Disaffective Disorder, and some other shit I can't remember). I think to myself, 'hey, friend said we're real similar and maybe I have it too and I should get checked for BPD.' so I go to my post-partum therapist and say 'hey I know we've been doing this CBT and stuff an that's great but I want to talk to you about something. I have a friend that has Borderline Personality Disorder and she told me after she got diagnosed that all she could think about was that I probably have the same thing, because we use a lot of the same coping mechanisms, we think similarly, and we've got the same proclivities for self-harm and self-destruction. I'd like to get tested for this.' I shit you not that therapist pulled out a book and quizzed me right then and there and said 'yep this says you have 7 of the 9 qualifiers for BPD, so it's likely that's your diagnosis'.

Now I won't edu-macate you all on BPD diagnoses, but basically this personality disorder affects how you process and understand emotions. People with BPD likely have a 'safe' emotion that is your go-to, and for me that was 'numb' or 'unfeeling', which is very common for people with BPD. My other safe emotion? Anger (usually directed at myself). BPD also makes your emotional responses either really low or really exaggerated. Basically, if a person with BPD is confronted with a situation that would elicit a normal emotion (you failed your test-> queue sadness; bought the wrong size sheets -> queue annoyance; ricotta in the lasagna -> queue disgust) but they're not comfortable with that emotion or cannot qualify that emotion and understand it, they'll go to a 'safe' emotion. So if I failed a test, instead of getting sad I'd get pissed, hate on myself, wreck shit, and try and self-exit, etc. Another example: I once bought new sheets and they were one size too small so instead of, idk, returning the sheets, I had a panic attack, sat in a fugue state for 45 minutes, then tried to self-exit. Another time, my partner and I made a frozen lasagna for dinner and I found out it had ricotta cheese in it (which I absolutely despsie) so I got pissed, started sobbing, had a panic attack, and threatened to self-exit. (This was all before I was diagnosed with MDD and GAD, so I wasn't medicated at ALL at this point). This is just a simple explanation, it's really more nuanced, but just know this is how it went for me!

So, I get my therapist to go 'yeah you have BPD we should verify this with the psychiatrist' and get an appointment booked with the psych. I go in and tell her 'me and therapist were talking and I think I have BPD and want to verify' and lemme tell you this psychiatrist looked at me like I was INSANE like 'no you don't have that, it's post-partum'. We went around in circles for like 15 minutes before I brought up what my friend had said and THAT is what made her change her mind. The validation from someone random person in my life that she'd never met somehow made her go 'hmm, okay yeah your symptoms and behavior do align with BPD more than post-partum depression'. GIRL.

I knew immediately I didn't wanna be with that psych anymore- therapist was okay really nice, but not going to help me in any way- however she did help me find a place that specialized in working with people with personality disorders. That LITERALLY saved my life. BPD coupled with the insane situation I was in (which I won't get into but let's just say premature baby+grad school+new city+racism yay!) exacerbated my depression - because I could not process my emotions for the situation. I kept going back to 'I'm the problem, I should exit the situation'. To a post-partum specialist that looks like post-partum depression. To everyone who knew me it looked like something else, something related to but bigger than my previous symptoms before I was diagnosed MDD and GAD.

Jump cut to 2 years of intensive Dialectic Behavioral Therapy, a new anti-depressant, and I LIVE BITCH. I LIVE because of a FRIEND recognizing my symptoms and pointing me in the right direction. I LIVE because a therapist was willing to listen. I LIVE because there are resources out there for people with personality disorders that teach us it's okay to feel and it's okay not to feel. Simply by saying 'my friend thinks I have this disorder' instead of 'I think I have this disorder' I was able to get the treatment I need.

FFS doctors need to start listening to patients.

TL;DR - A therapist and psychiatrist were treating me for a disorder nobody believed I had, but by bringing up my friend's suggestion I was able to get tested for and treated for the right disorder and now I'm closer to a functional human being.

This ABSOLUTELY works.

I have used this for many years. Definitely b do it.

[hop3wrlds]

it’s so pathetic how i do this every single time i experience success — i black out , ruin everything , & by the time i’ve realized what i’ve done it’s already too late . the hole i’ve dug myself is too deep to get out unscathed . & so then i lay for hours & sob & scream & complain as if i didn’t do this to myself . i’m embarrassed & humiliated . what kind of person is so flawed like this ?