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tl-notes · 4 years ago

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Kobayashi’s Maid Dragon S2 Episode 2 Notes

Here’s some notes for episode two, too, if you’d care to join me.

The “stay quiet” here is 大人し[い] otonashii, which takes the word for “adult” and adjectivizes it. It’s a common word with a variety of meanings, such as when something is “behaving” properly and not raising a fuss (from children to computer code to a chronic disease to political forces, all sorts of things) or when something comes across as “mature” (like a clothing design or a young person).

In this case the idea is that the dragons had chosen to “behave” and mind their own business, which (they seem to assume) led the humans into underestimating them and deciding to attack. (”Stay quiet” probably does a pretty good job of getting that across, but just to fill it out.)

This is 残念ながら zannen nagara, or “unfortunately...”.

The reason I bring it up here, is that it’s not a particularly intimate way of speaking and leans somewhat formal—potentially implying Ilulu has no more close relatives left to give her this news (and/or maybe her family’s social position is one where other dragons had to treat them with respect).

The second line here is 平常心を保つよ、私は, which is a fairly strong declaration of intent. I kind of feel like “I need to keep a clear head” sounds less confident, like convincing herself “ok bad situation, but if I just do this I’m fine.” In contrast, the Japanese imo is more of a “[Ilulu can do what she may,] but it won’t get it to me either way.” Just a mild point of characterization I suppose.

Just for clarity, she does use the word 雄 osu here, which is the more biological term for “in a sexually reproducing species, the one that produces sperm,” rather than a more gender-based term.

The TV show, シャシャシャシャキーン Sha-sha-sha-shakiin, is a combo reference to irl Saturday-morning kids’ variety show じゃじゃじゃじゃ～ン Ja-ja-ja-jaaN and weekday-morning シャキーン! Shakiin!.

The former’s name comes from the Japanese equivalent of ta-dah!, while the latter’s comes from the ”sound” for becoming alert, going from relaxed/sleepy/bored/etc. to “wide awake let’s go.” (though not necessarily sleep/wake related)

If you’ve seen these two emoji:

(´・ω・｀) (｀・ω・´)

The one on the right is the “シャキーン” one, and is the contrast to the gloomy one on the left (ショボーン shobon). Or these, going from asleep to awake:

( ˘ω˘ )ｽﾔｧ… (｀・ω・´) ｼｬｷｰﾝ

In manga and stuff you’ll also see it used for e.g. someone drawing/brandishing a sword, striking a cool poses with a lens flare, things like that.

I think it gets translated to metallic-y sounds in English fairly often in those cases (like drawing a katana, or a mecha pose), hence the translation above.

The verb for “frolic” here is じゃれる jareru (no relation to jajaan above), which is like to play/mess around, typically in a physical sense. For example it’s used in the compound word じゃれ合う jareau, which is often used in the same way English might say “playful wrestling” about kids or animals.

Though the word Kobayashi uses is actually a different じゃれる compound, じゃれつく jaretsuku, which is like playfully/affectionately grabbing/cuddling up/etc., (also primarily regarding kids or animals). There’s a bit of overlap with some of the uses of あまえる amaeru mentioned in the last episode’s notes.

Assuming I had the visuals, I’d probably just write this as “Please not on my lap...” or similar. (Kobayashi also uses a different verb conjugation for Tohru vs. Kanna in this scene, ~つくな vs. ~つかないで; Kanna’s being more plead-y compared to Tohru’s more “cut it out!” feel, hence the “please.”)

“Contact” here is “skin-ship,” a portmanteau-esque combination of skin and kinship or relationship. It’s primarily a Japanese word (you won’t find it in English dictionaries typically), but it was apparently coined by an American speaker at an international WHO seminar in 1953 (from which a Japanese attendee brought it back to Japan and it was later popularized).

The original use of the word was in reference specifically to parent-child physical intimacy, but as it became more widespread in usage the meaning extended to all sorts of relationships, from the platonic to the romantic.

One reason, presumably, that the term caught on so powerfully in Japan is that it has historically been a very touch-adverse culture (at least compared to say the US), and this extends even to parents with their children after the first few years. You’d see (and still see) psychologists recommend “more skinship” to people, for example.

The relative lack of skinship may partially explain the head pat thing mentioned in last episode’s notes (e.g. when you want to touch your kid, but hugs aren’t on the menu) and things like the old “hand-holding is lewd” meme. (Note this isn’t just me getting all orientalist here; there’s been a good bit of research on the skinship gap, and how it may be shrinking, by Japanese scholars.)

This line is also a bit of foreshadowing that Tohru has realized Kobayashi’s... situation already.

The Japanese here is 心と心でつながった後は体ですよ, which I only really mention because I kinda felt like the English’s “Now...” implied she was saying they only recently ‘connected their hearts,’ which I don’t feel from the Japanese wording and would say is probably not how Tohru thinks. E.g. more of a “Our hearts are already connected; now it’s time for our bodies!” kinda thing.

This 3/3 is March 3rd, which “equals” ♀ because that’s the date of Hinamatsuri, sometimes also referred to as Girl’s Day. The third day of the third month was originally a holiday brought over with the Chinese calendar, and it morphed from a more spring/peaches holiday into it’s more girl-oriented version at some point in the Edo period.

One of the highlights of Hinamatsuri is the doll displays, as pictured in this short bit with the Saikawa sisters. There are various types of displays, but this sort of staircase arrangement is the most common I believe. Each level has a certain type of doll that goes on it, with the top level having an “emperor” and an “empress” doll—which is the pair Riko replaces with dolls of herself and Kanna.

There’s some similarities between these doll displays and stereotypical Christmas trees: a family is likely to have a set of ornaments/dolls they mostly reuse each year, you put them up some time in advance of the actual holiday, then get lazy and leave them up too long put them away for a year after it’s over. A lot of businesses and such will put up displays as well.

“The judge in the underworld” is left vague here and isn’t a specific reference to anything, but is generally in line with the typical “image” of what happens after you die (setting aside actual religious beliefs) in Japan.

Please see the documentary series Hoozuki no Reitetsu for more info.

As of right now in the anime, Ilulu has only shown up twice, and only once of those when Kobayashi was alone. The implication seems to be that there have been other Ilulu encounters that we haven’t seen.

Also, for clarity, the Japanese is 私が一人の時にいつもイルルは来るから, which is more of a “whenever I’m alone Ilulu shows up” than a “she only shows up when I’m alone.” (The English could sorta be read either way I think?)

This bit is それだけじゃないって、争い以外もあると思ってくれているからだ。私はそんなトールを信じているから…　だからその為にイルルと和解したい

The main point of contention I have with this English is that it implies Kobayashi wants Tohru and Ilulu to make up. However, I’d say this is more Kobayashi wanting to come to terms with Ilulu herself (and just by extension Tohru/the other dragons/maybe other humans).

That is, by making peace between herself the human and the “hostile” dragon Ilulu, she’d be helping prove Tohru’s belief correct—and she has faith in Tohru that it is (see also last season finale).

(Notably while Tohru is Chaos faction herself, there’s not really been another Chaos dragon yet to be convinced like this. Kanna is no-faction, Fafnir is technically no-faction even if Chaos-ish, Quetzalcoatl is an observer, Elma is Harmony, and Tohru’s father is an exception on multiple levels.)

Without getting too deep into the “why,” one quick thing I’ll point out is that she says 和解したい wakai shitai, not してほしい shite hoshii or させたい sasetai etc., meaning it’s something she wants to do herself, not want/make someone else do. Generally speaking you can’t use the ~たい “want to” form for anyone but yourself (you don’t know what anyone else is thinking, after all), unless quoting them, asking, or in the ~がる “seems to want to” form.

This is a 防犯ブザー bouhan buzaa, a crime-prevention buzzer, also known as a personal or self-defense alarm. They emit a very loud sound when activated. The idea is you, well, use it like she does here, when someone is trying to do a crime to you.

Since most Japanese children walk to school, it’s extremely common for these devices to given to students (either by parents or a gov’t body). It’s technically recommended for adults to carry them too, though the advent of the mobile phone has driven down carry rates.

This particular one was probably purchased in episode four of season one, if you want to rewatch and see why!

This is 私にぶつけたい気持ちでもあるの？in the Japanese.

The verb for “tell” is ぶつける butsukeru, an evocative word meaning ~to slam against (somewhat similar to “vent” in English when used with emotions/feelings).

The “something” is 気持ち kimochi, ~emotion/feeling/thought.

So the Japanese here feels a lot more expressive than "something you want to tell me,” I would say (that could just as easily be a translation of 話したいこと). That said it’s not an easy thing to express in English within the confines of the format here, especially if you want to keep the “target = ‘me’” part.

It might feel somewhat like “You got something bottled up you wanna hit me with?”, though I doubt if I’d use that either.

As a side note, the manga has Kobayashi say an extra line after this, about being the “main tank” to take her “hate” (Japanese for “aggro” in MMOs).

A small note that “that girl and that boy” is あの子とあの子 ano ko to ano ko, so no gender specification in the Japanese (it’s a good language for talking about people without specifying a gender!).

“Next time” here is 今度 kondo, which is an interesting word because you can situationally use it for “recently,” “this time,” “next time,” or “soon.”

The reason I bring it up here is the English “next time,” personally, leaves me thinking “Was there a previous time? What ‘next’ do you mean?”—just a heads up that that’s not really an issue in the original line.

Also: this whole extended scene with Kobayashi saving Ilulu is one of the “many senses” mentioned in the episode title. (see also episode one notes re ikemen)

As an aside, this "play” is じゃれ合い jareai, the noun form of the jareau that was mentioned in the above “frolic” note.

If you were wondering: “Do dragons use paper?”, the word here is 形骸化 keigai-ka, (almost) lit. ~reduced to bones, meaning something that once was strong/effective is now basically just a formality. It’s similar to the phrase “dead letter” in reference to old laws that aren’t really enforced anymore.

So two potential points of ~lore relevance~ here: 1) the rules probably used to be enforced, 2) we have no evidence (either way, from this) that they actually have them on paper somewhere.

こりゃトールの父ちゃんは本格的に優しかったみたいだな

This might just be me reading too much into the English (again), but one difference in nuance between these two lines is that the English has Kobayashi implying Tohru’s dad “seemed” kind (which implies he’s not really kind, just kind in contrast to this villain), while the Japanese is more taking this as evidence that Tohru’s dad was actually being kind (see also last season finale).

For those wondering if the みたい in that line would imply a “seems”: it sort of does, but it applies across the whole observation here. I.e. “seems Tohru’s father was genuinely nice” vs. “making Tohru’s father seem genuinely nice” (which I’d guess would probably use 優しく見えてくる or something).

When you see “underestimate” in anime, most of the time it’s なめる nameru. It comes from the verbified archaic adjective 無礼し nameshi, meaning a combination of looking down on, acting rude towards, etc., and uses the same characters as “rude” (though often written in hiragana/katakana).

It also is a homonym of the verb “to lick,” so “Don’t underestimate humans” sounds identical to “Don’t lick humans.”

“Functional member of society” is 社会人 shakaijin, ~lit. person of society, which is a very commonly used word to refer to basically anyone who is an active member of society. It includes homemakers, so it’s not strictly “has a job at a company,” but in many contexts it’s used like “people with jobs” versus “students and NEETs.”

(Not that there’s anything wrong with the translation, just some extra context.)

A technique reminiscent of this shadow puppet silhouette style was also used in Hyouka, another Kyoani show and one directed by the late Series Director Takemoto Yasuhiro.

I kind of feel like yelling “Stay with me!” at someone injured is something you do when they’re in danger of fading away, not when they’re waking back up? Maybe that’s just me.

The Japanese is お気を確かに o-ki wo tashika ni, a polite (since Tohru almost always speaks kinda formally to Kobayashi, as part of the maid thing) way of saying “pull/hold it together,” and is used in a variety of situations.

Kanna’s line is a question (e.g. like “are you okay?”) in the Japanese here, whereas the English sounds more like something you say to someone who’s injured to try to reassure them.

This line is その子離れようとしないんです sono ko hanareyou to shinai n desu.

The English is a pretty literal translation: hanareru is the verb for leaving/separating (in some senses), and the ~you conjugation means “try to ~”. However, that conjugation also has a second use in just indicating intent—especially when used in the negative, like here—so e.g. “She didn’t want to leave your side,” or “She wouldn’t leave your side at all.”

（◎Д◎）

Just in case: this is an emoji for expressing shock.

One thing that is left out of the English in this line is the だけ dake, “only.”

So Kobayashi’s not necessarily surprised at this by itself, but in contrast to the fact that Tohru says she probably can hide her claws/tail (so why not this too?).

The base phrase Tohru is saying here is 私たちの仲じゃないですか, which roughly means “that’s just our relationship,” and is used commonly when being thanked for doing a favor for someone close. It’s similar in meaning to something like “hey of course, no problem, I know you’d do the same for me.”

Tohru puts a little spin on it by adding the “eternal” to make it 永遠の仲, which is a separate phrase that means probably what you’d think it means.

This quick cut to Tohru’s feet and the light “foot pop” motion... I have a hard time believing it’s anything but the director trying to give some subtle “goodbye kiss when leaving for work” vibes, even if they aren’t literally kissing. Just me?

Here she says あのトール ano Tohru, lit. “that Tohru,“ which in this sort of context carries a meaning similar to using an italicized “that” in English: not just any Tohru, but that Tohru, the famous one. The implication is that yes indeed Tohru is well-known among other dragons—and known to be quite strong and merciless.

It’s not a particularly big deal, but technically this is 人間と, i.e. Living with.

The ball hands thing is generally thought of as “Doraemon hands” in Japan. Doraemon gets the name from the food “dorayaki,” but “Dora” is also how you pronounce the first two syllables in “Dragon” (ドラゴン doragon).

Keep this in mind.

挨拶 (あいさつ) aisatsu, often translated as “greeting(s)”, is a lot bigger of a thing culturally for Japan than it might be for where you live. Though translated as “greetings” it also includes farewells and more. Basically a general term for “in X situation, say Y” style semi-set phrases.

In more traditionally minded companies, for example, employees are often expected to give a rote ohayou gozaimasu when they arrive (even if they think no one is around to hear it), and may get chewed out for not doing so or half-assing it. Then when passing someone in the hallway etc., an otsukare-sama desu, and yet another phrase when leaving for the day. Also the ittekimasu and itterasshai (when leaving home/saying bye to them) or tadaima and okaeri (returning home/welcoming back) that probably many anime-watchers are familiar with. Even itadakimasu is an aisatsu.

Obviously every culture utilizes “greetings” like this, but in Japan they’re pretty heavily ritualized and treated as a cornerstone of human relations, a key part of showing respect for your fellow humans (even people you hate!) and ensuring the smooth working of society. It’s not the thing they chose to have Tohru put first in her “living with humans [in Japan]” notebook for nothing!

The English “the” is a popular word to use in Japanese as an intensifier, similar to how it’s used in a sentence like “this isn’t just an [example], it’s the [example]!”

It’s usually pronounced “za” and often written that way in katakana (ザ) for this usage. (If you type “za” in a Japanese IME, most will offer up “the” as one of the options to convert the text to, even.)

The word she says here is 喝 katsu, which, in this sense, is a stereotypical thing for a Zen teacher to say to a student as a stand-in for explaining some deep Zen concept that words can’t describe. So here, it’s kinda like “Yes this may seem contradictory, but really it’s just too complicated for you! No more questions!”

Obviously that’s oversimplified and it’s used in other ways too (see Saikawa’s father during the sports festival), but just for the purposes of this joke, there you have it.

The word used in the Japanese here is 建前 tatemae. If you’ve ever studied any Japanese, you’ve likely heard about honne vs. tatemae, your inner feelings vs. the front you put up for social reasons.

People new to the language are sometimes prone to approaching that distinction with “well why doesn’t everyone just honne all the time, why play games?”, but of course almost everyone splits themselves like this. You probably hate your boss, but you also probably don’t tell them that to their face to avoid getting fired. Or maybe you have some family members you can’t stand, but act nice around anyway because it’s not worth the trouble to start fights.

Japan just put names to the idea, and maybe leans a little more toward encouraging tatemae in more situations.

This is せいぜい悩むんですね.

せいぜい seizei as an adverb means doing something to utmost extent one is capable of. You’ve likely heard it from a villain somewhere saying something like “Struggle all you like, wahaha!”.

Though it’s not necessarily down-talky like that, in modern times that is the trend (you can use it for yourself no problem, but if used to talk about someone else’s actions it may come off as belittling). Tohru, as one of the strongest beings in the setting and with the pride to match, uses it a lot.

悩む nayamu is to worry, fret, ruminate over (some difficulty etc.).

The sentence in general is one that is highly context dependent, but here it’s Tohru thinking to herself, somewhat impressed, that Ilulu is actually putting serious thought into the question of what she wants to do with her life.

And, as the background suggests, finding it surprisingly adorable/admirable; up until just a few days ago, Ilulu was known as one of the most extremist Chaos faction dragons obsessed with nothing but destruction, yet look at her now. In a way, Tohru’s taken over an older sister kind of role for her.

(For the curious, if the ね was dropped or swapped to a よ here, that would imply she was directing the comment “at” Ilulu, rather than saying it in observation.)

The word here is 契る chigiru, which usually means to swear/pledge (e.g. swear a pact, pledge your love), but can also be a somewhat fancy word for having sex, especially of a married couple.

I feel like I personally would have used more of a euphemism for the translation.

The phrase here is ダメの助 dame-no-suke, where dame is no/bad/can’t do/useless, and (no)suke is a common ending to first names; both actual names and sort of on-the-spot nicknames; someone looking sleepy might be called a 寝坊助 nebou-suke in the same way as “sleepyhead.”

Or, as here, sticking to the end of things for comedic effect or as indication of a panicked/confused thought process.

（ ° ρ ° ）

Just in case: this one is also expressing shock, but a kind of dumbfounded shock. The ρ is a drooling, slack-jawed mouth.

In the next episode preview they talk about where Ilulu will sleep, since they don’t have room for another bed. Ilulu wants to sleep in the closet—or more specifically, the 押し入れ oshi-ire, which is a particular closet layout you’ll find in many Japanese bedrooms.

The typical difference is that an 押し入れ was originally designed for 和室 washitsu, traditional-style Japanese rooms with tatami floors, primarily as storage space for folded-up futon/blankets/pillows, as you would put those away during the day to free up space. Thus they typically are rather wide, mildly deep, and have a waist-height, solid horizontal divider capable of supporting a lot of weight.

They actually are pretty okay for sleeping in if you’re not claustrophobic or tall.

Anyway, I bring this up because you know who else very famously sleeps in one of these? That’s right: Doraemon.

#maidragon #kobayashi's dragon maid #kobayashi-san chi no maid dragon #miss kobayashi's dragon maid #anime #translation notes #season 2

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imlostinsantacarla · 5 years ago

Note

How do the gang (individually) react to a SO who's affectionate and supportive

heya hun! i’m so glad you’ve requested this, it was fun to write. i added tim and curly too bc they deserve some love also. i hope that you like what i came up with! - admin kat 🌙❣

HOW THE GANG REACT TO HAVING A S/O WHO’S AFFECTIONATE AND SUPPORTIVE:

Darry: doesn’t always seem like it but he doesn’t ever take your affection and support for granted, although he may come across as cold. he’s a tad bit overwhelmed when he comes home and you plaster yourself to him like glue, he can even appear irritated but he knows that you’re just showing you love him in the only way you know best. he just wishes that you’d give him a minute to get through the door and shower first before you latch onto him. nevertheless, darry is genuinely over the moon when you support him, his brothers and the gang. his hearts wells up like the grinch when he finds the meaning of christmas! it’s in the little things like when you patch steve and soda up after they’ve gotten into a fight with soc’s. helping ponyboy and johnnycake study on the living room floor. talking dal out of some real dumb shit. even by sitting at the kitchen table with him and sifting through all the bills. he turns into the biggest sucker ever when you do this stuff. all the little things you do never get’s overlooked by him. it definitely helps ease his stress knowing that his partner supports him no matter what.

Sodapop: genuinely loves you even more for both of these endearing qualities, if that’s even logically possible??? he loves that your affection and attention is on him 25/7 and when you give it to him... boii is like !!!!!!!!!!!!!! he just knows you love him so much and he’s so excited by it. your support really reinforces it all the more if i’m honest. soda actually balled once about you supporting him bc he opened up to you about a dream of his which was to open up an auto repair shop with steve and you were like “cool stuff man let’s do this!”. and he was believing you’d knock his head in like dar would, but he just was star struck with you. steve had to calm his ass tf down bc soda’s a gREASER AND GREASERS DON’T CRY IDK WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!!! but yeah, he thinks he’s so dumb and stuff, but to have you support him and lift him up makes him unbelievably happy. 11/10 a happy boiii.

Ponyboy: totally gets all blushy when you get affectionate with him in front of others (namely the gang) bc they tease tf out of him. those boys never let him live shit down like that. it only makes you pinch his cheeks and wiggle his face in your hands and that’s when two-bit can’t stop laughing and has to tell the others. he’s a bit sour afterwards but there’s no hard feelings. boii is s o f t as hell for you and loves your affection and support. you never fail to brighten his day tbh. he wants your attention on him 25/8 like soda and becomes a pouty baby when you don’t give him it. and your support? *chef kiss* makes his whole world better bc despite the fact he’s not tough and all, but more sensitive, you’re there for him through it all. did i mention he get’s butterflies and his heart gallops- pls don’t shoot me it had to be said!

Steve: loves it even when he says he hates it. steve loves your hugs, kisses, the way you play with his hair when you cuddle, you name it. just not when the guys are around. gotta keep up the greaser image *finger guns*. you tend to show up at his work with lunch and he’s got complete heart eyes bc you’re all over him. there’s no way in hell soda lets him live that ish down lmaoo. you support him more emotionally and mentally though, which he’s so grateful for because things with his old man can get pretty bad at times and he needs someone like you to bring his big butt down to earth when he’s all high on anger and frustration. like, he’s super hurt when it comes to his dad, so he’ll be ranting and raving up a storm and you’re listening but bleary eyed bc he woke your ass up as 3 in the gODDAMN MORNING and he’s talking about how his life is so shit and you come out with “well i’m not going anywhere but if you don’t get into my bed and let me sleep i’m gonna beat your ass with my pillow”. he’s stunned? bc first of all, you’re a freaking pip squeak compared to him who can’t even hurt a fly, but there’s another part of him that’s taken aback bc you’ve literally opened up your world and door to him for anytime. would 10/10 recommend this joyful boi.

Two-bit: honestly, can’t seem to get enough of you, particularly your affection, but namely your support. it’s kinda a tie can’t you see?? he’s not even annoyed or abashed when you go heavy on the affection, even in front of the guys, if anything, he’s gloating about it and hanging off of you just as much, if not more! if anyone teases you guys or makes a comment he’s got some snazzy comeback, two’s riddled with them. i swear they fall from his mouth like casual small talk. kinda starts fist fights with steve a lot when he does bc our stevie-boi is a bit sensitive. he literally somehow falls in love with you even more bc you’re supporting him positively to cut down on his drinking, get on with his school work a little more, etc. like how can he possibly deserve this literal angel that is you? he probably cries when you’re not looking. i’m not even kidding. probs just bursts into tears and pony and johnny are like you ok mannn???

Johnny: blushes the most out of everyone when you give him affection, especially when anyone’s around. he’s such a happy smol bean and he just loves you with his whole heart and universe like omg! your support means the world to him, he’d cry and be so messed up without you. but you still make him cry nonetheless. but they’re happy tears, i promise!! like he’s so astounded bc you let him stay at your’s bc your parent’s understand the situation and let him come round whenever he wants. you make sure he’s well fed and get’s a good amount of sleep in a place that’s not the lot? you complete him. you make him see that he’s more than just some kid with a bad home in a bad neighborhood... he can be anything and anyone as long as you’re by his side. the little butterflies he get’s when he sees you- !!!

Dallas: not so happy about the affection part in front of others (unless he’s jealous and wants to prove to everyone you’re his) just bc it’s uncomfy for him and he ain’t used to it. but that’s not to say he doesn’t enjoy having you all over him! bc if it was up to him he’d have you all over him every second of every day if he could. ;) in private though he’ll gripe about how mushy you are, reluctantly leaning into your embrace or letting you kiss him. like you’ll want to cuddle or hold his hand and he’ll eventually relent, muttering about broads and stuff. he only makes it seem like he hates it but he actually loves it to pieces. and when you play with his hair??? mmmmmmmm boi is putty in your hands. but seriously, your support means a lot to dal, it shows that you’re loyal to him and if you’re loyal to him he’s loyal to you. like the way you show up at the cooler to visit him brings such a huge smile to his face. no broads done that for him before. treat dally with care bc this boii is sensitive. 12/10 a happy duck.

Tim: kinda iffy about the affection. he’s a tough son of a gun and can’t have everyone knowing he’s got a partner that hangs onto him like a fly does to honey. he loves it though, really, especially when people are looking at you in interest, it serves a purpose then. he’s also in love with when you do it to freak out curly. it honestly made him cry of laughter once bc curly was about to yack in a garbage can. fun times man... fun times. anyway... your support is super wonderful for him. you visit him in the cooler a lot when he goes in, which he didn’t expect bc most people he’s dated never did that or were too mad to even show up. but here you are. you also take care of curly and angela like your own, opening up your door to them and him. he’s got a soft spot for you okay? it’s especially so bc his home life is so bad with his step dad and mum chucking things left right and center, then everyone else joining on in. it’s a tiring place. if he looks back... he doesn’t know how in the hell he survived without you before you came along and wouldn’t know how to go on without you by his side to help. but tell no one that okay? s o f t b o i v i b e s

Curly: mad happy like. until someone fucking mentions it that is. then he’s all talk and trying to get you off him. you roll your eyes bc curly’s really more talk than action and most people know it. but nevertheless, he wants everyone to know you’re his so loves it when you hang onto him like a vice. he’s not really had much affection in his life, so it’s new but he can’t seem to get enough of it. deffo a happy puppy when he gets the affection and attention. and curly’s not all that smart either, but having your support helps him to see that he just see’s things differently from other people and that school isn’t everything. and that’s okay tbh. however, you don’t support his bad behavior but you also know that you can’t change him unless he wants to change himself. he’s only just starting to get these boundaries, just give him a chance. loves your cuddles bc he can fall asleep and he always has a tough time falling asleep bc he doesn’t feel like he can trust anyone other than his brother and sister. and now he’s got you. thank god! literally the sweetest chick ever

If you enjoyed this please heart, reblog and follow for more. 🌙❣

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ineverhadmyinternetphase · 7 years ago

Text

In My Way - Chapter 23

AO3 link, First Chapter

Genre: Chaptered. Actor!Dan AU, fluff, bit of angst, slow burn, getting together (eventually)

Summary: Fiction. Daniel Howell is 21 and Britain’s newest star. He’s just been cast in the much-anticipated film adaption of Last Man Standing, the popular teen fantasy novel with a huge fanbase hanging off his every tweet. In other words, Dan has made it big.

Phil Lester couldn’t care less. He’s a stressed out PHD student working part time at a bookshop while he struggles to get into post-production. He’s 26 and still lives in a tiny flat on the fifth floor of a building with a lift more broken than it is in use. He loves books, but he thinks big film adaptions screw with the plot too much.

Needless to say, Phil is less than impressed when Last Man Standing is getting filmed in his hometown. And he certainly doesn’t want anything to do with obnoxious, arrogant, so irritatingly perfect leading actor Daniel Howell.

Warnings: Swearing, Ace!Phil, Bi!Dan, slight a- and bi-phobia, discussions of sexuality

Word Count: 5000-6000 per chapter (ish)

A/N: I just wanted to say, before we get going with the chapter, thank you so much for 3000 kudos! That is crazy!! I never expected an ace fic to get this much love. Thank you to everyone who has read so far (and sorry for making you wait so long for this update) but I come bearing good news! I have now finished this fic!

The last chapter will go up on Wednesday, and the epilogue on Friday, and then this fic will be done ^_^ thank you for your patience with me!

Massive thanks to @agingphangirl for helping me out with this chapter, and of course to my lovely beta Meg @mecaka who's going to look this over for me ^_^

---

The week leading up to the premiere was nothing short of hell for Phil.

He started the week by having to head back up to Manchester, leaving Dan behind in London again, and Phil was really, really starting to hate having to say goodbye. Train stations were becoming an all too familiar surrounding, standing there in public staring at Dan longingly, unable to reach out and take him into his arms, having to make do with whispered goodbyes and promises to be back soon.

It was the last time, though, Phil reminded himself. The last time he’d have to make sure not to be publicly affectionate with Dan.

That was such a strange thought. Phil was still blown away sometimes that he even wanted this – for the first time in his life, he wanted to be with someone. The prospect of an actual relationship still terrified him when it reared up in its pure form, but then he just had to remember that it was only Dan, and everything felt ok again.

He would always want to be with Dan, he suspected. Everything was just easier to cope with when Dan was in the same room as him.

When Phil got back to Manchester, it was to an untidy flat that he’d left in a stress-muddled mess, notes for his PhD thrown about everywhere, and no food in his cupboards. Phil cursed his past self who hadn’t bothered to have any foresight past going back down to London and seeing Dan again, which had, of course, been his priority at the time.

It was a good priority, but now Phil was left in a mess again.

There wasn’t even any real point trying to tidy up – his viva was in four days’ time, that didn’t give him long to look over the rest of his notes and frantically try and prepare. This was the last time he’d ever need to work on something for his PhD, or education in general if he was able to get some work. In London, perhaps, if his tentative plans for the future somehow magically played out.

Phil bit his lip, recalling the rather strange conversation he’d had with Dan in relation to his possible idea of moving to London. It hadn’t gone anywhere near as well as Phil had hoped. Dan had been about to tell him something, Phil was sure, right before Tyler walked in, but – well, Phil had no idea what that might have been.

Some reason he had for not wanting Phil to move to London?

No, Phil tried to quench that doubt the minute it arose. Dan had made it clear enough he wanted Phil around him, and had told Phil more than once to quiet his insecurities surrounding that. Plus, Dan was actually planning to publicly announce Phil as his partner at the premiere in a week’s time – it was difficult to imagine anything more permanent.

Phil smiled at that image, pausing just before ordering takeaway for the night. He was caught somewhere between excited and terrified at thoughts of the premiere. On the one hand, he struggled through any kind of public event at the best of times, and this would be something quite different – a lot more spectacular than he was used to. Phil was really not the kind of person to attend premieres. He’d never in his life imagined he’d get there – although he’d always had an interest in the film industry, it was definitely from behind the scenes.

The idea of going to such a glitzy event on the arm of Daniel Howell himself sounded like it had to be happening to someone else.

But on the other hand, Phil knew Dan now – he knew what a lazy sod he could be, how Dan didn’t much like public affairs any more than Phil did, how they’d be leaning on each other to get through it. Plus, he would quite like to meet back up with Xander and Louise and the other people from the film set, the place he’d first met Dan, back when half of Manchester was clogged with the road closure.

Phil remembered how annoyed he’d been initially upon hearing the news of the set in his city, and grinned. That had changed rather drastically. And now, here he was, almost to the end of his PhD with the tantalising possibility of a shining future with Dan stretching out before him.

---

Two days before his viva, Phil met up with PJ for lunch. He hadn’t seen PJ in far too long, and he needed a distraction to quiet some of his greater nerves that were building more and more the closer it got to his final assessment. Plus, he really wanted to tell PJ about his and Dan’s plans for the premiere before they happened. The last thing Phil wanted was for PJ to read about him in a paper before Phil got the chance to talk to him.

PJ, it turned out, was busy himself packing up ready for moving to London. In all the excitement of his own life, Phil had almost forgotten about PJ getting his job down with the film company that Xander worked for, and so of course he was relocating.

Phil hoped to be joining him, if all went well. But he wasn’t sure how much to say for now. Everything felt so tentative still.

On the other hand, PJ was his best friend; they’d been close since their first term of uni. If there was anyone Phil could trust to confide in completely, it was PJ.

“So how’s packing going?” Phil asked, sipping at his coffee.

PJ swallowed his bite of sandwich and ran one hand through his curly hair. “Don’t even ask, seriously. I forgot how much stuff I have. And do you have any idea how expensive it is to hire removal vans to London?”

“I can imagine,” Phil agreed with a pained smile. “But you’ve got a place down there?”

“Yeah, not a great one but it’ll do.” PJ sent Phil a sly smirk. “Nothing like the place you’ve been crashing with Mr Daniel Howell, I suspect.”

Phil, much to his horror, felt warmth spreading up the back of his neck. “Hey. It wasn’t that flashy.”

That was a lie. Dan’s flat was pretty fancy, with his wage packet and Tyler’s combined they managed a pretty nice spacious place in the centre of London.

“Yes, well, mine’s barely bigger than a room and I’m lucky to have it,” PJ grumbled. “I hope you’ll come to visit me as well as that actor of yours, though, Phil.”

“Definitely,” Phil promised. “It’ll be weird without you here. Who am I going to drag out for lunch when I’m panicking next time?”

PJ fixed him with a soft, knowing look.

Phil shrank a little under that gaze.

“It isn’t just me in your life now, though, is it?” PJ asked smugly. “I called it, you know. When I saw how you were looking at him.”

Phil could feel the tips of his ears going red, heat still creeping up the back of his neck. “Was I that obvious?”

“Slightly.” PJ grinned at him. “I thought I must be seeing things at first though. Never seen you like that before.”

Phil half-smiled back. PJ knew him better than most – he was right, Phil hadn’t really acted like this before. Dan just… kind of came along and took over his world. Phil hadn’t been expecting that. If he looked objectively at the past few months of his life, he hardly even recognised himself.

But he felt good. Like he was moving forward. And he wanted to keep Dan around.

“About that, actually,” Phil began, his words getting thicker. “I, um. Maybe you won’t be the only one moving to London soon.”

PJ looked up, surprised, half-way through taking a bite of his sandwich.

“I’m thinking about it,” Phil admitted. “Maybe. Things with Dan, they’re – well, like you said, I haven’t really ever done this before. But they’re pretty great, if I’m honest.”

PJ grinned around his mouthful. “So you’re coming down too?”

“It’s something I’m thinking about,” Phil answered, nodding. “Quite seriously thinking about.”

PJ’s grin widened. He put down his sandwich and clapped Phil’s shoulder, harder perhaps than necessary. Phil’s shoulder ached. “That’s amazing! We’ll be a proper team, I’m glad, I need your help down South.”

“So you think it’s a good idea?” Phil asked a little shyly. “Me moving down too, I mean?”

PJ levelled him with a serious look. “I think that the fact you’re considering it is sign enough.”

Phil tilted his head. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I know you, Phil.” PJ was still looking at him seriously. “You don’t like change, you don’t like moving. You stayed close to home for a reason. So the fact you’re thinking about up and moving across the country – well, Dan must be pretty special.”

Phil bit his lip. The way PJ phrased that had nerves spiking back through him again, as if hearing so starkly just how drastic his plans were made him reconsider exactly what he was doing.

PJ caught the look and sent him a questioning stare. “Are you worried about it?”

“Well, a little,” Phil admitted. “It’s a big move. It’s kind of scary.”

PJ nodded, but he was smiling again. “Which is why the fact you’re even considering it tells me it’s a good idea. You’re ready for something new, mate. Have you thought about what you’ll do?”

Phil nodded slowly, remembering the research he’d done into editing companies, the bookmarks sitting unopened on his laptop, the emails sent and not yet answered. He had options. He had a favourite company all ready to call up, the one he’d told Dan about what felt like ages ago now. It wouldn’t take much to send off an application. He was qualified, he knew – or he would be, once his viva was out of the way.

The knowledge that his viva was only two days away sent nerves clenching in Phil’s stomach all over again.

But PJ seemed happy for him – and that was important. One more step in the direction Phil thought he wanted his life to take now. Not much longer and he could potentially have everything he’d once dreamed of.

If everything went well. If Dan really did want him to move down to London. If he wasn’t hiding anything.

But he couldn’t be. Phil would know.

---

“So I told Tyler the hot water isn’t running right because my shower was freezing this morning, and he completely blew up at me!” Dan’s tone was a familiar whine down the phone, keeping Phil company as he sorted through some of his extensive notes. Preparing for his viva had been driving him insane, so seeing the incoming call from Dan cheered him up no end.

He wondered if his heart would ever stop flipping over when he saw Dan’s name pop up on his phone screen.

“So what did he do to you?” Phil asked, amusement hiding behind his tone.

Dan huffed. “He didn’t do anything. He just told me that I should probably call the landlord if I had a problem.”

“I mean,” Phil said as blandly as he could, “You probably should.”

“Yes, but what if I don’t want to?”

“Not really a good enough excuse, is it,” Phil chuckled.

“You’re laughing at me.”

“Maybe a little.”

“Rude.” Dan huffed. “How was your lunch with PJ?”

“Nice. Good, actually.” Phil straightened up, leaning back against his bookshelf. “I wanted to talk to you about that.”

“Oh?” Dan sounded interested.

“Yeah. PJ’s getting ready to move, you know.” Phil fiddled with a pen lying on his desk. “Got a place in London.”

“It’s so good Xander liked him enough to hire him,” Dan agreed.

“Yeah.” Phil glanced at his desk, where his laptop still sat open on the email he’d drafted, a reply to the company he’d already expressed an interest with. His CV was attached. His portfolio was ready. All he had to do was click send.

But first—

“So PJ liked the idea of me possibly moving down there too.” Phil got the words out quickly, like nails through his teeth, a pool of nerves still tugging at his stomach.

There was a brief moment of silence.

“So it’s actually possible?” Dan started talking quickly, his words running together like they always did when he got excited. “You’re seriously thinking about it? And it wouldn’t be too far, your family – I always said I’m not going to take you away from them if you don’t want to, and your home’s up there, and—”

“Dan,” Phil interrupted firmly. “Do you want me to be in London?”

The answer was immediate. “Yes. Please.”

The words, simple as they were, were enough to calm the unsettling flutter swirling around in Phil’s stomach. He took in a breath, leaned over, and hit send on his computer. “Then I’m looking into making that happen.”

Dan drew in a sharp, excited breath. “Really? Like, actually, in real life, really?”

“Yes.” Phil bit back a grin. This was more the response he’d expected, more of what he wanted. Dan being excited, unafraid to show it (to Phil, at least) and full of eager ideas.

“Fuck, yes, you could stay with me and Tyler. If he ever stops grouching about the hot water. Or, actually, better idea, he can grouch so much he leaves and then you can just move in with me.”

“I don’t want to start this by kicking out your best friend,” Phil laughed, but he couldn’t deny the sharp little buzz starting to sing under his skin. The casual way Dan had said move in with me. Like it wasn’t even a question. Like of course they’d end up together.

“But the rest of it?” Dan wheedled. “How soon are we talking? Are you just going to stay here after the premiere?”

“I don’t think it quite works like that,” Phil answered with a grin still fighting its way onto his face. “I mean, I still have to pack up my stuff and somehow get everything down to London. Never mind I’d quite like to wait until I have confirmation of somewhere to work, I only just applied.”

There was a hesitant silence.

“You applied somewhere?” Dan’s voice was still excited, but more cautious. Phil supposed he was nervous on Phil’s behalf. “Where?”

“The place I told you about before.” Phil leaned over, read off the name of the person he’d contacted. “I literally just sent them my info. Keep your fingers crossed for me.”

“I will.” Dan’s voice had gone a little funny, maybe the reception was bad. “You’ll walk into it. With your reputation, how hard you’ve worked.”

“I don’t have a reputation yet.” Phil gave a cynical laugh. “But I have lots of official-sounding letters after my name, so maybe that will help?”

“I’m sure it will.” Dan still sounded subdued. “Tyler just got back, I’ll call you back later?”

“Sure.” Phil glanced back over to his abandoned viva notes, knew he really needed to go through them properly again. “Good luck with the hot water.”

“Thanks, I’ll need it,” Dan answered dryly, and then hung up.

---

In London, Dan stared at his phone for a couple more seconds before running in a panic into the kitchen, where he could hear Tyler unpacking some shopping.

Tyler took one look at his face and glared. “No, Howell, I am not calling the landlord about anything ever again, not after you swore it would be your turn next time!”

“I’ll do it in a sec,” Dan waved him away, pointing dramatically at the phone in his hand. “We have a situation.”

Tyler looked from the phone, to Dan, and back to the phone again. “You can’t have broken that too, surely.”

“No, no.” Dan flapped his free hand. “Phil.”

“The man you’re hopelessly in love with, yes,” Tyler agreed slowly, raising a brow. “What about him?”

“He’s coming to London.”

“Now?” Tyler looked surprised. “I mean, not that I’m complaining – I could do with more time to get his shirt fitting properly…”

“No, no, not now,” Dan spat, ignoring the tug in his chest that wished that were true. “Like, forever. In the future.”

Tyler looked at him blankly. “…I’m not getting the panic here.”

“He emailed them!” Dan’s voice was getting shrieky. He made Tyler flinch. “The company! The one you made me tell about him!”

Tyler blinked, still staring. But then his eyes widened in understanding.

“Exactly!” Dan’s tone was still much more high-pitched than it should be. His breathing was quick, panic clouding his thoughts, and none of his years of actor training could teach him how to calm down.

Tyler raised a hand, palm out. “Hey, woah, woah. I didn’t make you do anything, Howell.”

“You were there!” Dan ran a distressed hand through his hair. “You could have stopped me! Fuck, I knew it was an awful idea, I knew—”

“Wait,” Tyler said, eyes wide as he stared up at Dan. “Wait a minute, calm down. You said he emailed them, right? So does he know?”

Dan let out a panicked breath, fingers clenching in the hem of his baggy shirt. “I don’t know. He didn’t say.”

“Maybe he knows and just doesn’t care, then?” Tyler squeaked hopefully.

Dan let out a sardonic laugh. They both knew Phil well enough to know that couldn’t be true – they both knew that Phil wouldn’t just accept Dan putting in a good word for him without complaint. Phil was too fucking pure, had too much integrity. He wanted to get in of his own volition, manage his own progress, be completely assured that everything he did was from his own hard work. And he was good, he’d be able to go far.

But Dan had scuppered all of that for now, hadn’t he?

“Shit, I fucked up,” Dan half-whispered, his hand back in his hair and tugging, hard. “Shit. I shouldn’t have – I never should have done it.”

“You were acting in his best interests,” Tyler tried to placate him.

Dan levelled a glare his way. “We were.”

“Yes, yes, ok,” Tyler admitted, paling considerably. “Fuck, don’t tell him I had anything to do with this.”

Dan arched a brow. “Are you scared of him?”

“He’s way bigger than me!” Tyler bit his lip. “I don’t want to get punched.”

“Phil wouldn’t punch a beetle,” Dan disagreed, with wry experience. When Dan had found a bug in the bathroom once and promptly started screeching, Phil simply befriended it as he scooped it up and showed it to the door. “Besides, he’s going to be too concerned with yelling at me to do anything about you. And then never speaking to me again. Fuck.”

“It won’t be that bad,” Tyler reassured, even though he didn’t look particularly sure about it himself.

Dan looked back at him, not answering. The silence was heavy, and Tyler didn’t look convinced either, but Dan chose to believe his words, at least for now.

“It won’t be that bad,” Dan murmured, turning back to his room, and hoped with every bone in his body that it would be true.

---

The day of Phil’s viva, Phil was a shaking, trembling mess. But he got through it. Somehow, with a quick call to his mum beforehand where she told him to pull himself together, and a whole barrage of encouraging texts from Dan that blew up his phone to the point where Phil actually had to turn it off before he went in, Phil made it.

They tore his argument to shreds, of course, but (as much to Phil’s surprise as anyone else) his theory actually stood up to their inquisition. They liked it, he thought. At least, he left the room with a smile on his face, feeling more confident than he had in quite a long time.

And that was it. His education complete. All that was left was for him to receive his marks and then he’d be graduating.

Phil felt a strange, gaping sort of emptiness at that thought. The relief would come later, simmering deep in his bones, but it hadn’t quite sunk in yet. He was free. Endless time on his hands, freedom to do as he pleased.

The only thing still holding him to Manchester was his work at Lilith’s bookshop, and he hadn’t had the heart to tell her he’d be moving yet.

Never mind the fact that he didn’t actually know for sure if he was moving. No word back from the editing company he’d emailed yet.

Phil didn’t have a huge amount of time to mope, though, not when the premiere he was attending with Dan was happening this weekend. It left him with far too little time to pack, to clean up the mess that was his apartment after weeks of living among scattered notes and countless books, all preparing for his viva. Which was now done. He was free.

He could feel it starting to sink in as he set about clearing up his things, carefully tidying away all his notes back into his filing system (Dan used to make fun of his folders, calling him an old man. The memory brought with it a wave of fondness and the urge to send Dan a bunch of texts, which Phil followed through on even though he knew Dan was currently in a meeting with his agent). It felt strange, in part, to be packing up the last four years of his life into folders, but Phil didn’t feel as empty as he thought he would.

He may just have been too busy freaking out about the premiere, of course.

He passed the rest of the week in a blur of packing and panicked calls to Dan, during which Dan attempted to soothe him, and one very bizarre occasion where Tyler called him, saying he’d stolen Phil’s number from Dan, to have a very serious discussion about the pairs of shoes Phil owned. Turned out there was a lot to think about when wearing an outfit to a premiere.

The weekend rolled around too soon, and Phil felt horrendously unprepared, but he still got on the train and spent the entire journey on tenterhooks, eager to see Dan again.

Dan, of course, met him at the station, and greeted him with a quick but fervent hug before pulling back nervously.

“Hey,” Phil reminded him gently, leaning into his side. “Last time we’ll ever have to hide it, remember?”

“Yeah,” Dan agreed, and sent him the sunniest, widest smile Phil had seen in a while. Phil’s stomach tugged. “True. That bit, I’m excited for.”

“Only that bit?” Phil teased mildly, letting Dan take a bag from him as they walked side-by-side out of the station. “Not the part where you’ll get to show off in front of a crowd of screaming fans?”

Dan shuddered. “Don’t remind me.”

“You’re the one dragging me to this thing, I hold every right to remind you.”

“Ok, first of all, you agreed to join me in this hell,” Dan reminded him, elbowing Phil’s side. “And secondly, you’re the only thing that’s going to make this bearable, so please kindly shut the fuck up.”

Phil, despite himself, snorted. “So polite.”

“As much as you deserve.” Dan elbowed him again, then took hold of his arm to lead him out of the station and to a waiting car.

Phil stopped, looked at it (it had blacked out windows) and then sent Dan a questioning look.

“Sorry.” Dan grimaced a little. “With the premiere coming up and all, interest has spiked a bit. It’s safer to travel this way.”

“Oh.” The cluster of nerves gathered in Phil’s stomach set alight again. He took in a breath. “OK. That’s fine. Yeah.”

“You sound anything but fine,” Dan chuckled, and then took his hand and led him gently forwards.

They put Phil’s bags in the boot and then climbed in the back, and the driver politely nodded to Dan before setting off. “Back to your flat?”

“Yes please, James,” Dan answered, and Phil held back a laugh at the uncomfortable look on Dan’s face. He knew enough of Dan now to believe that Dan disliked having a driver almost as much as Phil felt uncomfortable sitting on the fancy white leather seats.

The drive did give them an excuse to sit close and hold hands, though, which Phil wasn’t exactly complaining about.

When they got back, Tyler was in waiting for them and had cooked an extravagant meal. Phil was still a little scared of him, so clung close to Dan’s side from the moment they stepped in lest Tyler jump him with more questions about colours and styles and the way he wore his hair.

He couldn’t help but compliment Tyler on his cooking, though, after a few bites of the steak.

“It’s my dream to be a house husband one day,” Tyler sighed thoughtfully in response. “This is just practice for when I cook for my family every night.”

“You hardly ever cook for me,” Dan griped, leaning over Phil to get some water.

Tyler smiled at him sweetly. “That’s because, Howell, you’re an ungrateful lazy disaster of a human. You’re just lucky I like your boyfriend.”

Phil choked on his glass, but Dan just snickered.

“And you two had better keep it down tonight,” Tyler added seriously, sending both of them a sharp, knowing glance that instantly made Phil uncomfortable. “I know you must have missed each other, but no funny business, at least not loudly. I need my beauty sleep.”

“Oh, we won’t talk loudly past ten,” Phil assured him.

Tyler snorted. “Adorable. That’s not what I meant, Phil.”

Phil blinked for a moment, confused, and then his eyes went wide.

Dan was sitting beside him and reached over instantly, a reassuring hand on Phil’s knee and a calm voice as he said, “Shut the fuck up, Tyler.”

“I mean, I won’t blame you,” Tyler added, still tucking into his side salad. “A week’s a long time, you’ve missed each other, I get it, but I don’t need to hear any unnecessary noises, alright? No mental images that will scar me for life.”

Phil was politely choking through Tyler’s words. He cowered down in his seat so low he wanted to disappear, could feel the hot redness spreading across the back of his neck and to the tips of his ears.

He knew what Tyler was talking about. Or, at least, he thought he knew.

“Um,” Phil managed to squeak, and Dan sent him a sharp look.

Phil looked back. “Should we tell him?”

Dan couldn’t keep the surprise from his face, even as he schooled his expression into a calm, blank one. “That’s up to you, Phil. It has to be your decision.”

Phil bit his lip.

Tyler looked between them, confused. “You know, I’m getting used to you two speaking in your own language, but if this is about me…”

“Sorry,” Phil said quickly, flicking Tyler a glance. He still felt like his face was on fire. “Um. There’s something – I should maybe tell you.”

Tyler quirked a brow at him.

Dan squeezed Phil’s knee, leaning into his side. “You sure? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“No, I – I want to.” Phil sat up a little, squaring his shoulders. “It’s not even that big a deal, it’s just – Tyler, you don’t, like, ever have to worry about those, um… noises. Like you were talking about.”

Tyler’s brow rose even higher.

“I’m asexual,” Phil blurted out, the word releasing something wound up tight in his chest. He swallowed past the nervous lump in his throat. “Um, so. That’s. Like, that’s – not a thing that’s ever going to happen?”

It came out more like a question. Why did it have to come out like a question?

Tyler was staring at him with his mouth open.

Dan, of course, came to the rescue. He leaned into Phil’s side but kept his gaze flickering back to Tyler, even as Dan nonchalantly continued eating his steak. He spoke between bites. “So yeah, you get your peace and quiet. Doesn’t mean you get to just walk into my room whenever you want, though, that rule still applies.”

Tyler blinked, finally. He was still staring at Phil. “You’re what, exactly?”

Phil floundered under that gaze. “Umm. Asexual. And sex-repulsed, for that matter, but like – mostly just asexual.”

Phil had done his research. He was more comfortable with his label now, and where he sat on it, but that didn’t really make saying it out loud any easier.

Tyler was still gawping at him.

“Close your mouth,” Dan told him, reaching for more salad.

Tyler promptly snapped his mouth shut, only to open it again a second later. “Asexual?”

The back of Phil’s neck was on fire. “Um. Yes.”

“Huh.” Tyler sat back, eyes still fixed on him. “Funny. I’ve never met one in real life before, I always just kind of assumed it was made up.”

Phil, despite himself, flinched. He didn’t know Tyler that well, true, but he hadn’t expected such avid confusion in his tone.

He should have expected it, though. He wasn’t normal. He knew this. Tyler’s reaction was just further proving it.

Dan, however, was looking at Tyler through a sharp-eyed glare. “Well, it isn’t. And now you have. So.”

Phil shrank in his seat.

Tyler closed his mouth again, looking between them still, from Phil’s determined slouch staring down at the table to Dan’s sharp glare that didn’t leave Tyler’s face.

Wisely, Tyler decided to change the subject.

“Ok, well…” he trailed off, still looking at Phil with something like confusion in his eyes. “Ok. That’s fine, I guess. Um. Both your outfits are laid out for tomorrow, put them on early so I can get started on your hair and make-up, alright?”

At that, Phil’s gaze snapped back up to Tyler, eyes widening. “What was that, sorry?”

Dan elbowed his side lazily. “Don’t worry too much. Tyler’s insistent, but he’s good.”

“Exactly, and I can’t let you go walking down that red carpet without looking stunningly attractive. Everyone’s going to want to have you.” Tyler paused a second. “Or, well – um. However you want to look. Either way, you’ll be hanging off Dan’s arm all night, I’m going to make you look like the perfect couple you absolutely are.”

Nerves curled up like ashes rekindling in Phil’s stomach at that mental image. Him and Dan before all those cameras, all those people watching him, judging him, and he had no doubt that not all of them would look upon him and Dan favourably.

He didn’t voice these thoughts until much later, after dinner was cleared and Tyler settled on the sofa while Dan and Phil retreated back to Dan’s room, the door shut, them sprawled out across the bed.

“It’s a big thing you’re doing, after all,” Phil confessed quietly into Dan’s neck, Dan’s fingers soothingly stroking over his back. “No one is going to look at us the same. What if people react badly? Twitter’s already crazy enough, but this is like, the actual newspapers and stuff. What if—”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” Dan interrupted smoothly, his fingers pressing into Phil’s spine, “Before you freak me out more than I already am.”

Phil looked up, brow wrinkling apologetically. “Sorry. I don’t mean to do that, I’m just…” he sighed, rolling further into Dan’s body, concentrating on his warmth.

“Scared?” Dan finished for him, voice so soft it was barely a murmur. “Because that makes two of us.”

Phil winced. He reached out, arms wrapping around Dan, and rolled them until they were both on their sides, facing each other. He used one finger to gently trace down Dan’s cheek, pressing once where his dimple usually sat, and then cupped his face with his palm. “It’ll be alright. We’ll do it together, and afterwards, it’ll still just be us. That’s what you told me, remember? We’ll just be us.”

Dan’s brown eyes looked back at him, full of insecurity, but his grip tightened around Phil’s fingers. “You promise?”

“I promise,” Phil answered easily, and pressed a small kiss to the corner of Dan’s mouth. “We’ll still be us, whatever happens tomorrow.”

Dan curled into him like a pretzel piece, long and gangly and he was definitely kneeing Phil in the stomach, but Phil dealt with it for the feeling of being able to wrap his arms tight around Dan and hold him close.

Phil clung to his own words as he closed his eyes. Dan would still be his come morning, come whatever happened after the premiere. Whatever people would think of him, some nobody hanging off The Daniel Howell’s arm. Dan would still be his, whatever people assumed. That would be enough to get him through tomorrow.

---

Despite all his reassurances to himself, Phil woke the next morning with a tight ball of nerves coiled in his stomach.

He went through the motions of getting dressed with his throat closing up and nausea roiling beneath his skin, tingling. One glance at Dan told him Dan was in a similar state, except Dan was better at hiding it – his face smoothed out impassively, hard-to-read. It wasn’t for nothing that Dan was such a successful actor at such a young age.

Dan helped Phil into his dark gold jacket and then wrapped his arms around him, just hugging him for a moment. “It’ll be fine. We’ve got this.”

Dan’s voice was steady, which was a reassurance, but Phil was still jangling with nerves as he turned in Dan’s embrace to face him. “Have we? Honestly? Because I don’t feel like I have a clue.”

“Oh, same,” Dan said, and laughed. “I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing, but – but this will be so worth it, Phil.”

Phil bit his lip, took in a breath. “No more hiding.”

“No more hiding.” Dan leaned into him, his head resting on Phil’s shoulder. “I just want to hold your hand on the street, why is this so hard?”

Phil gave a low chuckle. He wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist and pulled him closer, pressing his face into Dan’s viciously straightened hair. “After today, it will be. Then you can hold my hand all you like.”

“I’m never going to let you go,” Dan answered determinedly. He still looked pale when he drew back, though, and Phil didn’t miss the taught thinness of his lips. Dan might be doing a good job of hiding it, but Phil could still see the nerves.

He leaned in and kissed Dan softly, eyes falling closed for just a moment. Dan melted against him in just the way Phil was growing used to, the way he missed most when he was alone in Manchester wrapped up in his bedsheets, and kissed back with a soft sort of desperation.

It was a long moment before Phil drew away, and then they turned to face the day together.

The hours passed all-too-fleetingly for Phil’s taste. He spent most of the day sat in a chair in the kitchen surrounded by products he had never heard of before (Tyler improvised the kitchen table into a make-up desk, complete with several mirrors that Phil tried to avoid looking into). Dan was by his side, grumbling at Tyler good-naturedly and every now and then prodding Phil with his foot when he wanted to get more attention, which Phil was happy to give even with the nerves that seemed to jump tighter and tighter with each passing minute.

All too soon, he was standing with Dan by the door with a car waiting downstairs, Tyler flitting about putting final touches to their looks.

Dan took both Phil’s hands in his in the last moment, turning Phil to face him. He looked beautiful like this, Phil admitted – Tyler had done a perfect, subtle job, and Dan was practically sparkling.

His eyes, though. His eyes were what drew Phil the most, dark and serious but lit with something that might just be excitement.

“You sure?” Dan asked, fingers tightening around Phil’s. “Now’s the time to back out.”

Phil swallowed. He stood up a little straighter, feeling awkward in his suit and with his face caked for the first time, but – but here he was at Dan’s side. Dan’s date to a film premiere.

Phil certainly hadn’t imagined this outcome the first time he came across Dan in rainy Manchester, however many moons ago that was. It almost felt like a different life.

He looked Dan right in the eyes and said, “I’m ready.”

Tyler cooed, breaking the moment, and Phil almost glared at him, almost.

Dan, however, just rolled his eyes and pulled Phil in for a careful hug. Phil leaned into him, breathing in his familiar smell, settling his nerves for the final time.

Dan opened the door, and they stepped out together.

The car was waiting downstairs, sleek and black just like the one that had picked them up from the train station. Phil was glad of the tinted windows the closer they got to the centre of town. The crowds outside the car were insane. Phil had been prepared, of course he had, he knew that going to something like this involved lots of people – he’d seen it on tv – but nothing had quite prepared him for the reality of it.

The reality of the cameras he could already see flashing outside the window, the rows and rows of people, and they weren’t even at the red carpet yet.

Dan, ever the attentive boyfriend that he was, slid his thumb across Phil’s fingers where their hands were joined in the back and leaned his head against Phil’s shoulder. “It’ll be quiet once we get into the actual cinema. It’s just the walking in that’s the nightmare.”

“The red carpet, you mean.” Phil’s voice came out sounding far more strangled than he’d expected.

“Yeah. That.” Dan managed a chuckle, somehow. Phil wished he knew where Dan found his calm from. “I’ll do all the talking, though, promise.”

“So I’m just here to smile and look pretty?” Phil did his best to sound affronted. “Is that all you want me for, Howell?”

“Yeah, totally, you’re just here to make me look good.”

“You don’t need any help with that.”

“Shut up.” Dan nudged him with his shoulder. “I’ll be talking about you, anyway. The whole time. Finally get to not shut up about you.”

Phil couldn’t hold back a smile at that. He leaned into Dan, letting out a soft sigh. “Am I really worth all this, Dan?”

Dan wrapped a long arm around Phil’s shoulder and brought him close into his chest. “You’re worth all of this and way more, Phil, and you know it. I’d turn my whole life upside down for you. Well,” Dan let out a soft chuckle, shaking his head, “You kind of did that yourself, actually.”

Phil sent him a curious look, nestling happily under Dan’s arm. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, like,” Dan flicked his hair out of his eyes and leaned into him. “I never imagined doing this. Always figured I’d keep as much to myself as possible, stay firmly at a distance, that sort of thing. But then you showed up and made me want to change it – like, you made me want to publicly bicker with you on Twitter and post photos of us everywhere and I really wasn’t expecting that. Never mind all of this,” Dan waved a hand irritably at the cameras flashing outside as the car edged closer and closer, “You made me feel something I never expected to. Pride. Pride in you, and, because you seem to like me, pride in myself, too. That’s what I feel the most right now, even if I’m quietly dying inside. I’m proud of us.”

Phil bit his lip, hard. He swallowed.

Then he leaned in and kissed Dan swiftly, on the lips, even when Tyler had warned them against doing that for fear of smudging their make-up.

When he drew back, Dan looked the best kind of startled.

“I love you,” Phil said, hurriedly. “The most. You know that, right?”

Dan let out a quiet laugh, but he squeezed Phil’s hand tight. “Yeah. Me too, Phil, fuck – you have no idea.”

“I have some idea,” Phil disagreed quietly, and squared his shoulders as the car rolled to a final halt. “You ready for this?”

“As I’ll ever be.” Dan drew away from him, turning to face him. “Did you smudge me?”

“No,” Phil answered (well, he couldn’t see anything out of place, even if he wasn’t an expert).

“Then let’s go.” Dan squeezed his hand one more time, turned, and pushed the door open, helping Phil out after him.

The sound of the screaming crowd was instantly overwhelming, closely followed by the brightest flashes of light Phil had ever seen. He squinted instantly, shielding his eyes, legs trembling with the fear that crept incessantly through his veins.

For an instant, he was frozen.

Then Dan was there, gently taking his hand, and Phil failed at resisting the urge to lean into him.

“We’ve got this,” Dan murmured to him, squeezing his fingers, and Phil swallowed and found his feet.

He nodded once, looking into Dan’s serious gaze, and summoned up a smile which Dan briefly returned.

Together, they stepped into the lights, hand-in-hand.

#phanfiction #phan fluff #phanfic #actor!Dan #student!Phil #iwritephanthings #inmyway #I have no self-restraint and I am posting now

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exid-though · 7 years ago

Text

An ask turned into an essay/presentation and I’m hoping MBTI blogs don’t block me for this here’s EXID’s possible MBTI types!

Before anyone who actually knows about MBTI types more in depth jumps on me for how poorly done this is, I’d like to request you do better. That sounds hella sarcastic but like legit I’m curious about what someone else would think about this especially someone who knows a lot bit more so like actually correct me on something or give your opinion like fr I’d enjoy it. I don’t word things well, I don’t say things well. But like?? power through? you can figure it out it’s not a puzzle it’s just poorly written so play English teacher and work through it.

Solji- ESTJ

The first thing that we (we being @lencoexid and I thank you for helping me/co writing this basically) decided was that Solji has a higher Te (look at me picking up the lingo?). The girl was voted the scariest member just because she’s very about her business I guess you could say? That’s not the best way to put it but anyway, she comes off as “scary” because she’s very quick to remind the girls that she’s not only the leader but also the oldest and she knows best, not because she’s actually being mean or anything but just because she wants to help and keep them doing what they’re supposed to be doing. But also Jeonghwa helps. She’s later. Anyway.

One website says

“Dominant Te types may come across as bossy or know-it-all-ish, even when they genuinely mean well.“

and another says:

“Te involves the outward expression of rational judgments and opinions; TJs literally think (i.e., make judgments, conclusions, and decisions) aloud. Te is more fact-oriented than Ti is. STJs, in particular, see the world as composed of discrete, black-and-white parts. This allows them to institute clear definitions, objective standards, and measurable goals. While Ti is forever backtracking to question and clarify underlying ideas and assumptions, Te is more positivistic and forward-moving, working to improve definitions, plans, policies, classifications, procedures, etc. It carefully spells out how to get from here to there, using as many maps, labels, and instructions as necessary.”

Solji is very sweet of course we love her whatever but she also comes across as bossy sometimes and as lenco pointed out, even Heeyeon said she also likes to do things her own way. She made Jeonghwa mad in that infamous Showtime fight because she kept teasing Jeonghwa about how slow she was washing the food and telling her to do it faster. She, like the true mom of EXID that she is, took the knife from her and showed her how to cut the food faster, too. Like literally just showed her “you can cut two at a time, see?” and Jjong was just like -_-. To Solji, this wasn’t being bossy or anything, she just had a better way to do it that was more efficient and she wanted to show her younger friend who was wasting time, but Jeonghwa was young and sensitive so she got angry lmao

Then we had to decide if she was more of a secondary Si user or Ni and Si seems to fit better.

“SJs do not venture out seeking novel sensations, experiences, or material goods. Instead, they prefer a more routinized and predictable lifestyle, functioning more as “homebodies.” ISJs may also fail to notice external details to the degree exhibited among ESPs. Unlike SPs, who are oriented to the present moment and the current trends, SJs rely on information from the past to inform the present. They grow attached to past ways of doing things, compelling them to conserve and protect traditions or conventions. Because of their concern for the remembered past, Si might be considered more abstract and less concrete than Se is.”

Solji also has moments where she goes on about things and she gets very excited when thinking about possibilities of what she could be doing, even when it’s small and just a game EXID are playing, she really seems to enjoy banter and clever thinking like an Ne might?

“When orating, NPs may not always seem to “have a point” as they haphazardly move from one idea to the next. Ne is more divergent and expansive in nature than its introverted cousin, Ni. NPs feel compelled to outwardly explore all the options and possibilities, making it difficult for them to draw firm conclusions or make confident decisions.”

In romantic relationships, Solji says she actually prefers someone who will lead her and someone who’s cold on the outside and warm on the inside. If that means anything to you mbti smart people.

"I like the manly types. Rather than a man who affectionately takes care of me well, I like the type who will lead me."

"You must like the 'tsundere (cold on the outside, soft on the inside)' types. A blood type-B man (stereotyped to be coarse and bad-tempered)." Solji said that was correct.

LE - ISFP

This woman... her and Solji. Elly is almost definitely an IXXP to me because idk just her general self. She’s very “free” ig, she doesn’t like schedules, she likes to do whatever more on a whim but less so than Hyelin I think. But she has said specifically that she doesn’t like to go by schedules and prefers to be more in the moment.

She has multiple interests but she only goes into them a little bit? The members said (on NCT night night I believe there is a thing in my drafts anyway also it was technically 2 votes for Elly and 2 votes for Heeyeon actually) that she knows a lot and it’s almost weird that she knows the things she knows and Jeonghwa explained that Elly knows about a lot but she knows things in the way that she “knows a little about everything” so like she’s smart in the way that she has a broad range of general/fundamental knowledge on random things. Jeonghwa also said she’s the type that keeps up with trends like in fashion and also just regular trends like slang and other internet things. She’s into fashion. She isn’t the most empathetic member but she did once say that when she isn’t writing songs about her own experience she’s writing about others so that might be something? She’s very blunt and she thinks it’s easier and better to just be open about what you’re thinking and feeling so time isn’t wasted.

“I hate complicated things. That's such a waste of time."When asked what kind of love she wants to try, LE said, "A both placid and raging love," then added to everyone's amusement, "I like skinship,"

then she also said:

“It’s been a long time since I’ve had a boyfriend so I can’t remember, but I don’t get nervous around guys that I like. I like to play hard to get and make them chase me instead. That makes me feel a sense of achievement.”

I think she’s more Se than Si because she definitely seems to be more of an outward sensations type of person, with trends and fashion yeah but also she said she likes skinship and she’s pretty physical even if she’s not athletic. Like she doesn’t like working out but she likes the idea of extreme sports (note the “idea of” part lmao thank you @lencoexid) she likes video games, she likes to think about the way things physically feel like she’s a very Se person to me.

I was having a hard time figuring out if she was more Fi or Ti but we do really think that she’s more Fi after thinking about how she is towards her friends and her relationships more. Ti would be too logical in her judgements of things and she seems more like a feeler when it comes to things around her. SO I’m going with ISFP.

Hani - INTJ

idc what anyone says (I say that now but like it’s so easy to change my mind you could literally just be like “well what if Hani is this because of this” and I’ll be like shoot you’re right) but anyway I could see Heeyeon being a dominant Ni user and also she’s not an extrovert like Heeyeon would be the last member I’d believe is an extrovert I’m serious e to i in EXID goes Jeonghwa/Solji/Hyelin>LE>Hani don’t argue with me. Or do idc but like I’m not wrong on Jeonghwa and Heeyeon. (like I once saw someone call Ahn Heeyeon an ENFP? nahh) but also idk

I think she shows more of a Te then Fi than the opposite (Fe then Ti) so I’m going with INTJ I think.

Anyway, Heeyeon is super logical and detailed. Think about what made EXID so famous in the first place, Heeyeon literally taking actual written notes of what exact angles make her look best while performing. Her selfies are really popular (because she’s gorgeous?duh) and when she talks about her selfies she says they’re great because she took note of how she looks prettiest when her head is tilted at a 45 degree angle. Who measures that? Who? Nerds. That’s who. Hot nerds. Nerds trying to make sure their popularity stays up and they have no weaknesses. Scary hot nerds.

She takes notes in her notebook (which they all call her death note) of like everything she possibly can? Her calories, her workouts, any new findings in her selfie angles, and when people make her angry. She literally writes down the date and what they did and everything. She’s like the scary anime kid that comes out of the shadows and pushes their glasses up and says something weird then writes in their notebook. Kyoya Ootori she’s Kyoya from Ouran High School Host Club. My husband and my wife I have a type.

But then here’s the thing, she also really feels the need to have people like her? Like she used to diet and gain and lose weight (she’s not anymore thank God) and she got in trouble and was criticized by netizens for “just saying what she thinks will make people happy in that moment” which is honestly pretty true but I think it might’ve only really been true for that time. That was back when she had just gotten popular and she was still getting used to it and she was on so many shows right after doing nothing but eating ramen all day basically so I honestly think she could’ve just been worried about EXID’s fame and her image and everything because lately especially now she’s more like she was back when they were promoting Every Night like she’s very openly braggy and less anxious so I think it could’ve just been a stress and anxiety thing? Because now especially with the other girls she seems much more open about the other sides to her personality so I still think she could be an Fi not an Fe.

She also said when talking about what she’s like in love and all:

“I would say I’m a stronger type. I have charisma. I hear that a lot actually haha.”

She also seems more Se than Si but I can’t place exactly why. @fizzybubblespop also said that they’d say she was an INFJ but she seems so “present” that having Se as her last function doesn’t seem right.

I kinda agree but I also think it makes sense since she is a bit wired and outward and everything but she’s much more of a person who needs to sit and think about things a bit, spacing out sometimes and stuff. I could see Se over Si for sure but like lower than things like Ni and Te to me.

Hyelin - ESTP or ESXP

Hyelini hea lini hey lini hey jenny idk umm I think she has a higher F something and she’s a perceiver but I’m not sure on much else. She’s probably an extrovert to me but I also could possibly see her as a social introvert? She said on Showtime that after spending a lot of time with people she needs to spend time alone to relax for a few hours. But @lencoexid did point out that it’s more likely that it’s her attention shifting and her getting bored or tired of that situation and wanting something else.

I had never even thought of Hyelin as an ESFP before until lencoexid brought it up and I was like hmm? and when you think about it it could actually work well.

So, ESFP starts with Se, the extroverted sensing function. On this website they explained Se like this:

“Extroverted sensing is focused on taking in the world as it exists in the present moment. It is highly in tune with the sights, smells, sounds and general physical stimulus that surrounds it. Extroverted sensing lives and thrives in the moment, more so than any other function.”

Hyelin is someone who is a regular at bars and actually said she drinks for the feeling of being drunk. She said she doesn’t see the point of drinking if you’re not going to get drunk. She also traveled all the way to Jeonju randomly just to go to a specific restaurant there that she likes.

The problem here though comes when you get to the 2nd function which is Fi. To me, she seems more Fe. She had a secret job when EXID was broke, she was actually kinda uncomfortable when Solji and Jeonghwa had that argument in Showtime and she tried to make jokes about it and diffuse the situation it seemed.

She said when she’s in a relationship:

“I am really the submissive type, when I am in the wrong I bow down to my boyfriend and apologize right away, (hehe) but when I know that he is lying then I become more of a strong unni style.”

And so she seems pretty Fe when I think about it compared to Fi, she seems more about group harmony than her own inner feelings even if she is blunt and everything, at the end of the day she has many friends who all are very different (Shinsadong Tiger said in an interview once that Hyelin is friends with everyone and is even friends with a politician), she works to keep her friendships with people from her childhood and she doesn’t like when things mess with that. Remember when she just grabbed a mic and said “Minhyuk and I aren’t dating” because she wanted to end rumors before they got big? She’s very blunt and “crazy” and wild and she’s very into being the humorous one of the group that makes everyone laugh but she’s also very open and straight-forward when she doesn’t like something or when something is messing with the dynamic, you know?

Now, ESTP has Se>Ti>Fe>Ni and lencoexid and I both agree that between the two, Hyelin seems more Ti than Te (Te is more Solji’s thing lbr).

Jeonghwa - ISFJ or XSFJ

I think she has high Fe and probably dominant Fe because the girls are always saying she’s so empathetic and she’s so good at relating to people’s feelings, etc. Heeyeon said she was jealous of how empathetic Jeonghwa is, when Heeyeon was trying to explain herself Jeonghwa jumped in and helped her out (I can’t remember what it was but it was on a radio show and she kinda explained for Heeyeon), she’s very open about how she feels about things and what she thinks of things (all of EXID are pretty blunt but especially Hyelin>LE>Jeonghwa), she’s also the one that takes charge even though she’s the youngest to try to keep things under control just a little but she’s still kinda sensitive? She also likes planning things and sticking to a schedule as she said on NCT night night, her and Heeyeon like sticking to plans and Elly and and Hyelin like to go with the flow. And with ISFJ and ESFJ Si is high (1st or 2nd) and this website says this about higher Si users:

“SJs do not venture out seeking novel sensations, experiences, or material goods. Instead, they prefer a more routinized and predictable lifestyle, functioning more as “homebodies.””

Then it says this about high Fe users:

“FJs, especially EFJs, are quick to outwardly express their feelings, opinions, and grievances. Fe plays a prominent role in attuning to and empathizing with others’ emotions. It allows FJs to recreate another’s emotion state within themselves, allowing them to literally feel what the other person is feeling. FJs also work to meet others’ needs and to maintain harmony in the external environment. They ensure that everyone is getting along and is well cared for. At the same time, since Fe is an Extraverted Judging function, there are times when FJs are compelled to sacrifice external harmony for the sake of asserting their judgments. FJs also enjoy giving counsel and advice, especially with regard to people-related matters.“

She’s the most social and empathetic but she also prefers staying at her house and reading and her favorite author is Alain de Botton (which I think she said on Weekly Idol?) and that guy is a philosopher.

“de Botton deals with the process of falling in and out of love. De Botton wrote a sequel to Essays in Love, published in 2016, titled The Course of Love.”

“In The Consolations of Philosophy, de Botton attempts to demonstrate how the teachings of philosophers such as Epicurus, Montaigne, Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, Seneca, and Socrates can be applied to modern everyday woes. The book has been both praised and criticized for its therapeutic approach to philosophy.”

In The Architecture of Happiness[11] (2006), he discusses the nature of beauty in architecture and how it is related to the well-being and general contentment of the individual and society. He describes how architecture affects people every day, though people rarely pay particular attention to it. A good portion of the book discusses how human personality traits are reflected in architecture.

etc.

So this girl loves people, is social, also prefers to stay in and read (philosophy), is empathetic, blunt, likes schedules, mischievous, studies English and Chinese just cause she wants to improve in those things (she’s also an idol so there is a bit of a responsibility to do that but she doesn’t have to), etc. Like. Someone who knows MBTI well come type her instead cause idk. To me she’s either ISFJ or ESFJ and she seems more extroverted to me it just seems like she’s got a higher Fe than Si and so on than the other way around, but I think that’s more up to just how you perceive her I mean she is an idol and I forget a lot so ISFJ or ESFJ.

I’ve learned a lot. Thank you for your time. Also Solji’s was the hardest and the mystery woman needs to come back so we can look into this more, agreed? Agreed. @solji when did you become so hard to figure out you’re louder than Jeonghwa sometimes

#but it'd be better if someone who actually knows more on this stuff did this #it was just an ask that turned into an essay that isn't that great but is decent enough ig #if you think so #could be better worded but I'm not a writer #**clearly**#lencoexid helped a lot though #so thank you #Solji's is the one I'm less sure on like idk why but the others I see a lot more #but ik this isn't well done but like here's my (and lencoexids) opinions?#should I make little edits #I'm bad at that stuff so like I shouldn't but I kinda want to now that it's in my head #it's lencos fault #maybe i should #they'd be kinda ugly but like maybe I should just for fun #I'm bored and it'd be something to do #exid

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punkpoemprose · 7 years ago

Note

At 11:11 on a random 1975 day, clouds were accompanied by storms of lightning and thunder. The stars in space were long gone since the sunrise, and there you stood, wearing a flower crown of fairy lights and daisies, not to mention overalls and combat boots. Your messy bun had been secured by bands and you were painting old books on white bedsheets, using oil paints. Your eyes were full of love, stark against the winged eyeliner. And when you were done, you left the beaches behind.

Okay, so first of all nonny this was so creative and brilliant that I hope you save it. Not only was it a great way to send me so so so many prompts at once, but it’s beautifully poetic as stand alone writing and I spent so much time just reading it over and over again! Well done and thank you so much for the asks!It’s kind of a lot so most of the answers are under the cut!

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.I won’t patronize you with world peace or anything like that because we all wish for that. My first wish would be for all of my friends to live close. My second wish would be that my loved ones would always be safe/happy/have everything they want and need. My final wish would probably be for one of those big beautiful Victorian homes and the means to fix it up the way I want (I actually love home repair and such). These would all bring me so much joy!

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?Yesterday I spent the day at the mall with a very good friend and had a ball, came home to a delicious shrimp etouffee my mother made, enjoyed a dinner conversation with both of my parents, had a wonderful video chat with my boyfriend after dinner, and had a sleepover with my little cousin that involved me drawing her riding on a unicorn. So all day yesterday was a happy memory!

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?I’ve had many a pixie cut in my day. I don’t know that I’d ever shave it all off or anything though.

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?One song. As much as I love music, I love my family and friends more. One song I could deal with, but I refuse to pick one loved one over all the rest.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?I’ve never technically been either, but I accidentally swore in front of a little kid in Disney Springs while tipsy on vacation. I’m pretty boring honestly!

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?Kill. Even if it’s someone I loathe.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?Probably fairly recently. I cry a lot. The last time I really remember though is I teared up a lot when I got on a train back home after spending a couple days at my boyfriends. I cry every time I have to leave him/ he has to leave me. Hopefully we’ll be living together soon!

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?My college desk was quite organized and lovely. My home desk is a bit of a work in progress right now, but the main drawer is beautifully organized!

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.One of my favorite quotes is Oscar Wilde’s "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."To me it’s the ultimate “the world is shit, but if you can find one thing to reach for and care about, living is worth it” and that’s how I like to live my life, always looking forward to something and always working on something. It keeps the dark out.

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?In my head: currently doing soOut loud: probably about an hour ago. I’m always singing to myself, I would be now if it weren’t for my parents being asleep and I’d hate to wake them.

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?This is kind of crazy, and it’s a long-ish story, but there’s this whole mystery in my life about a pearl necklace someone gave my dad that he gave me and he’s forbidden to tell me who gave it to him, so like any other person with a cool life mystery, I’d naturally like to crack it. So I’d like to know who gave it to my Dad.

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?So far, probably getting my bachelors degree, but not really because of the degree itself, but because of how proud it made my family.

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?I’ve thought about this one a lot. I’d pay off all my debt as well as my parents (thankfully it’s not all that much). I’d buy my dad all the fun tools/ machinery he’s always wanted as well as paying for all the stuff my mom would want done to the house. I’d buy one of those Victorian houses I’ve always wanted and would fix it up. I’d pay up front for my boyfriend and my own master’s degrees, my brother’s bachelors, and my Dad’s bachelor’s/ my mom’s Masters (they’re both nervous to go and if money wasn’t the problem I think they’d enjoy it). I’d invest in a bunch of start ups, buy derelict property and fix it up then rent and sell to low income families, and donate a bunch to my favorite charities. And then I would work in a library for the rest of my life, live within my means and continue to be charitable.

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?Yes and no. Indiscretions and momentary lapses in judgement, yes. Chronic rudeness and causing emotional scarring, no. I think it’s an okay way to be. I wish I could forget the stuff that bothers me, but I don’t think forgiving is necessary all the time, so I’m happy with the way I am.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.In the words of Cinderella, “Have courage and be kind.”

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.Fall Out Boy got me through my preteen and teen years, connected me to a lot of my friends, and is still a band I like to listen to (their newest album isn’t my jam as much, but the old stuff speaks to me). They were also the first concert I ever saw with my boyfriend and I remember just being full of joy singing my heart out with him, soaking wet as they performed a second encore in the pouring rain.

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.I already answered this one, but just to name one quickly, I’m quite proud of my home made Hermione costume.

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?I’m very very open with both my parents so they know everything pretty much (I tattle on myself, haha), but I guess I wouldn’t want my mom to know about the days where I don’t eat (Dad gets that it’s more that I forget than anything weight related, mom worries that I have body image issues) and I wouldn’t want my Dad to know about my sex life (he knows I have one and that’s enough for both of our liking, but I can talk to my mom about it).

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?Reading or tv, brushing my teeth/ washing my face/ etc., putting the dogs in their area, heading up to bed and doing a bit of typing/tumblr/youtube/ something, putting on an oversize t-shirt, and then crawling between the covers and passing out.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?Jokingly I once said it would be “Not Becky“ because for years people confused my friend Becky and I (I’m talking from elementary school through college and probably still today).

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?I’d love to head up to Niagara Falls for a weekend (it’s like 3hrs from where I live by car) with both my parents, my brother, my boyfriend, and maybe my brother’s girlfriend. It seems like it would be fun to see the falls and maybe go to the Ripley’s museum on Clifton Hill. I loved that place when I was a kid!

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realize you’re in love.I’m in love with my boyfriend of six (nearly seven) years. At first it was the new tingly sort of feeling when I realized I loved him. Everything made my heart warm and my head feel fuzzy and we were very very very overly affectionate in the beginning. Now though when I realize I love him and he loves me (it’s weirdly like a realization to me every single day) it’s just a comfortable feeling, like a nightlight that’s always on and you just notice the glow sometimes and smile about it.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.Everything is going to get so much better in life. Don’tsweat the small stuff. You’re going to make mistakes and don’t be afraid ofthem, I think you turn out okay even with them. You are so loved, now and in thefuture. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I know you’re afraidto ask because people tell you you’re smart and you don’t want them to thinkless of you, but smart people ask for help too, so don’t worry about it. Nomatter what I love you and am proud of you!

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?I also answered this one, but the short answer is blonde, shoulder length and wavy!

#aesthetic asks #thank you!#this was fun!#Anonymous

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onceuponakdrama · 3 years ago

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So I Married an Anti Fan KDrama Review

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Bingo Card for So I Married An Anti Fan

Synopsis: Hu Joon is a top star. Geun-Young is a magazine reporter. For potential news material, Geun-Young decides to attend an opening ceremony for a club. There, she witnesses top star Who-Joon's violent behavior and she also vomits on him by accident. This leads to Geun-Young losing her job. Geun-Young believes Hu Joon was behind her firing and she decides to do something about it. Every day, Geun-Young demonstrates in front of Hu Joon's management office. She begins to receive media coverage on her demonstration and soon Geun-Young becomes famous as an anti-fan. A PD approaches Geun-Young about participating in a reality TV show. The concept for the show revolves around a top star and their anti-fan living together. Geun-Young is in financial difficulties and accepts the offer. Meanwhile, Hu Joon is offered the same reality TV show and he accepts to improve his image.

Overall Main Plot: Rating - 7 out of 10

I feel that this a drama with a simple plot line. For this drama, I think the main plot would be considered Hu Joon’s career, along with how it overlaps with Geun Young and with the whole romance aspect into consideration. I think I was fairly invested in it because it was also about an idol’s life and how that affects others in their life, from a company perspective and in the perspective of the people. It felt kind of generic though, in the sense that I was more interested in the romance than anything else because this is a romance drama. I think I started tuning out as things were escalating to be too much and Jae Joon was slowly starting to take over the plot line. There was also too much of a focus on their past as trainees and, while I get that it’s important, why were there so many flashbacks about it? I also didn’t understand why Jae Joon was so obsessed with Hu Joon when he had his own business to run. I have more notes on him in the next section on the characters, but his motivations and role in the main plot didn’t make much sense to me. There’s also a couple of other notes on the main plot that I did not like.

Geun Young’s Hardships: I did not like how often Geun Young got the short end of the stick. Throughout the beginning, she kept suffering and, while it made me feel bad for her, I kept wondering why she had to keep suffering. I also did not like how the writer and PD of the show kept making her look like the bad guy when she was justified in her anger. While I know it wasn’t totally Hu Joon’s fault for Geun Young getting fired, he definitely did push it. After she did the show too, she wasn’t as protected after the episode airings and then that just piled on her frustrations with his so-called fans. I just felt really bad for her and I felt like there should have been a balance for the both of them to talk about why things went so wrong for her to be deemed the anti-fan and how he keeps stirring the pot.

Concept of Fans and Anti-Fans: this gets to my second point. I didn’t like how they grazed over the fans attacking Geun Young. I get that they would be mad that she tried to “poison” him, but it was old vitamin packets.... that wouldn’t really lead to death, but more like stomach problems. She really didn’t want to physically harm him because she has enough human decency. On the other hand, I also hated that Hu Joon didn’t really protect her from his fans. Even though, they were deemed as enemies, it’s basic manners to defend her from that because she really didn’t deserve it.

Characters: Rating - 6 out of 10

↣ Lee Geun Young [played by Choi Sooyoung]: if I’m being totally honest, I only watched the drama because I found out our girl, Ms. Sooyoung, was in it. And I loved her character. I think I just empathized with her a lot and felt bad for the bad things that kept happening to her. Her character was one that I was able to root for and wish that things would be better for her. I just really wanted a good ending for her and hoped that she would be able to stomp on those who kept trashing her. There wasn’t anything major, I just wished better for her and I thought it was great how she turned out to be a writer rather than a reporter.

↣ Hu Joon [played by Choi Tae Joon]: I actually did not like him for a while. He felt so two-faced and I was afraid that this would be a drama that he would treat the main female lead badly and would continue that way as they were dating and have it be labeled that tsundre behavior. I think I started to warm up to him as the drama progressed (prob episode 7-ish) and he became so affectionate and loving and trusting (and clingy) towards Geun Young. I felt bad for him too, realizing how his past kept coming back to haunt him—whether it was Jae Joon, In Kyung, or trying to find his father. Even as things progressed, it wasn’t his fault for the way things turned out. I think one note I had about him was just that I wished he had been more sympathetic towards Geun Young as she was expected to be to him and everyone else.

↣ Choi Jae Joon [played by Hwang Chansung]: oh my god, his character felt so unnecessary. I think the only time I liked him was when he got along with Geun Young to hate on Hu Joon; it was a cute platonic relationship. Other than that though, there was nothing worth redeeming him. There was supposed to be this character arc, but I couldn’t get over the fact that he hit In Kyung and did all this insane possessive stuff. I wanna say it’s almost like he was mentally ill, but it seemed more like toxic masculinity. Sure, there were abandonment issues and he saved In Kyung from getting hit, but that did not excuse any of his actions. I don’t think the two should have ended up together because it felt too much like a toxic relationship and they needed to heal away from one another.

↣ Oh In Hyung [played by Han Ji An]: I think I just felt really bad for her character. There were so many hardships she went though: her career, her relationship with Hu Joon and Jae Joon, the lack of support from her company, etc. She just felt like a victim of emotional abuse and I hate that she went back to him because she had nothing. I wish there was more perspective on her and why things many have turned out the way that they did. She was the one who had the least amount of development and it was hard to understand her and the things she did. While I get that she’s a side character, I felt like there should have been more.

Personal Notes: I feel like this is another drama with a good main couple, but everyone else feels problematic. Other than the manager, I wasn’t really interested in the others and their b-plots. I couldn’t feel bad for the CEO because he was acting so shady. The writers and directors of the show were also kind of shady because they kept making Geun Young look bad and didn’t understand why there was so much backlash against Geun Young. This is a more light-hearted drama, so it did feel much fluffier between the main characters.

Romance: Rating - 9 out of 10

Okay, the romance for this drama was actually top tier because I’m a sucker for enemies to lovers, but only the ones that make sense and don’t include things like bully/victim dynamics. This was a slow romantic development, but when it happened, it was so easy to root for them and their happiness. There was a lot of miscommunication, but that was before they started dating—after they started dating, they trusted one another and were able to communicate and wait for one another. Once they got together, I anticipated the scenes they were in and I’ve seen so many gifs of their cute moments together. They are absolutely adorable. The reason why it isn’t a 10/10 is probably just how sad Hu Joon is—in the sense that he doesn’t really have other friends and it really seems like he depends a bit too much on Geun Young and it was kind of cute but also kind of sad. Other than that, I loved watching their relationship blossom and their moments together as a couple because they are a good demonstration of a healthy relationship where they talk things out (when they can) and trust one another, despite what other people might say.

Second Plot/B-Plot and Secondary Characters: Rating - 7 out of 10

I wasn’t super interested in the sub-plot. At first, I was curious with the whole past with Jae Joon and In Kyung, but, like I said, as it progressed, I lost interest and started skipping around their scenes. I didn’t like how the drama kind of shifted the focus towards them and they made their way into the main plot as the drama was ending. It just felt like too much. I was a bit surprised at the side romance of the writer and the PD, but it was pretty cute to see. I did like Geun Young’s friends and how supportive they were. I liked how they kept those ties throughout the entire drama too because some of those tend to dwindle in some dramas. They were cute and they tried their best to be there for her. I also mentioned the manager in an earlier section and he’s probably my favorite secondary character. I just felt bad for him third wheeling, but he did seem to be entertained at the whole situation.

Additional Notes:

This drama was a pleasant surprise. I watched the movie (the one that starred EXO’s Chanyeol) and it was (in my opinion).... so bad. I felt like this was a better adaptation of the why this story is told. I rooted for the couple more; I liked the character development; there was a better way of incorporating things about an idol life without feeling forced.

I was reading through the blogs and they were all making fun about the OST and how they kept using one song by “Hu Joon.” I was also thinking about that throughout the drama because his company kept saying new release or something, but we never heard those songs and it felt like he only had one song. It was just something that made me laugh, especially since it’s kind of like a meme for those who watched this drama. There’s also the off-sounding flute that plays when Hu Joon does something stupid and I thought it was funny.

Overall Rating: 7 out of 10

Recommended?

↣ Yes: this is a good romantic comedy drama (if you ignore the subplot with Jae Joon and In Kyung). The romance is great, in which you would really root for the couple and they have such a good relationship; it’s a bit more of a slow burn, but it works since it’s an enemies to lovers trope. This drama is also a good and entertaining adaptation, whether or not you were a fan of the movie. This drama also has interesting side characters that aren’t super antagonistic; again, it’s a bit more fluffy and feel-good in comparison to other dramas.

↣ No: this is a drama that is very idol-centric and it includes a lot of “trashing” of the female lead. There’s a lot that the female lead has to deal with and it’s really unfair until the second half of the drama. Because this is a bit more of a slow burn drama, you could also get frustrated easily with the romance. There’s also the toxic side characters that feel like there’s no real purpose to them. The side plot also twists in a way that focuses on the side character and male character’s relationship towards them and it gets kind of complicated. It’s also a bit more old (in a cliche way) because it was filmed earlier and released later.

#so i married an anti fan #kdrama review #kdrama recs #spoilers #mine

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ineverhadmyinternetphase · 8 years ago

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In My Way - Chapter 20

AO3 link, First Chapter

Genre: Chaptered. Actor!Dan AU, fluff, bit of angst, slow burn, getting together (eventually)

Warnings: Swearing, Ace!Phil, Bi!Dan, slight a- and bi-phobia, discussions of sexuality

Word Count: 3000-5000 per chapter (ish)

A/N: Aaaaand I’m finally back. I’m just going to go ahead and say updates will forever be slow for this fic :P BUT it’s only 25 chapters, so we’re getting there! Just five to go now (well, four and a sort of epilogue thing). Thanks to everyone sticking with this story/commenting/sending me messages about it, that means an awful lot <3

Also massive thanks once again to @mecaka for betaing this despite drowning in her own schoolwork!! You are the best <33

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Dan looked good.

Phil had to admit it, begrudgingly. He was curled up on his bed with his laptop open under the covers, buried deep in his own blanket fort, watching the interview Dan had given that morning to promote the premiere of Last Man Standing. As he’d promised, the media attention was definitely growing leading up to the premiere, which was apparently going to be a big sparkly event attended by all the most prominent members of the film industry. There was even Oscar talk.

Ordinarily, Phil would have been grumbling about a big film company profiting from one of his favourite books, but, well. That would be slightly hypocritical, seeing as he’d watched most of it being filmed, and it looked good.

Plus, they had Dan, so. It was bound to be a success.

Dan in the interview looked smooth and comfortable, exactly in his element. Gone were all of the awkward mannerisms that Phil knew he had, aside from the way his fists were clenched over the skinny jeans he was wearing (black, of course). Dan also had his public voice on, sounding smooth and suave and nothing like the stuttering and rambling rants he went on in Phil’s presence.

Phil was slightly proud of that. That Dan was solely his.

Not three minutes into the interview, Phil’s phone buzzed with a series of texts.

Dan: are you watching it

Dan: you’re watching it aren’t you

Dan: tell the truth do I look like an idiot

Dan: hated the seat they put me in it felt like a thousand bees stinging my butt

Dan: as you would say

Dan: Phil this is killing me are you watching

Phil rolled his eyes, but it was hard to deny the affectionate little flip his stomach did. The Dan currently blowing up his phone notifications also didn’t sound much like the Dan in the interview, who was cool and joking and just the right side of confident. Phil struggled to believe he’d ever thought of Dan as arrogant. Now he saw it for what it was – nerves making him talk a lot, and a deep-set fear that he really wasn’t good enough for the life he’d found himself in.

Phil planned to take every opportunity to reassure Dan that he was perfect exactly as he was. Starting with a text back.

Phil: Yes I’m watching it cool your beans

Dan: Well am I doing alright have I fucked up yet

Phil: As if. You’re the epitome of professional. Plus you look cute

There was a beat before the next reply, which had Phil gnawing nervously on his lower lip. Ridiculously.

Dan: You have to say that (but thanks <3)

Dan: Call me after?

Phil grinned at that, texting back immediately of course. Calls would do, they were the best thing they had right now, and Phil had to admit it was a little ridiculous, the amount of time he spent on the phone to Dan. Whenever he wasn’t working at the bookshop or working on his thesis then he was on the phone. He hadn’t called his mum all week, but he’d called Dan at least twice every day.

Did he have a problem? Was this level of co-dependency normal in a healthy relationship? Phil honestly had no clue, what with having no scale or measurement or any previous experience to relate it to, but it didn’t feel bad. Quite the opposite. What felt bad was not talking to Dan, when the gaping hole he’d carved for himself in Phil’s life and then unceremoniously abandoned started to itch and ache and fray at the edges.

Phil turned back to the interview, but it wasn’t long before he found his attention drifting. He got caught up in the crinkles that were just a shadow at the corners of Dan’s eyes, the hint of his dimple appearing on his cheek, the way his hair was ever so slightly wavy from the heat of the lights. These were all things Phil knew well, had studied in their private moments, but – it was different, seeing them up on a screen like this.

Sometimes, because Phil hated himself, he’d search Dan on google images. The pictures that showed up were always heavily choreographed, shot in some fancy studio or other, or screenshots from his films. Phil’s favourites were still the screenshots from Reckless, the film he’d loved for longer than he’d known Dan, and that was weird to think about, to look back on a time where he’d loved one of Dan’s characters but not known Dan himself. It made something funny twist inside Phil, something almost like nostalgia. He longed for Dan in every way he knew.

Which was why, as soon as the interview was over, Phil was pulling up a skype tab and calling Dan.

Predictably, Dan answered straight away, still in his rumpled pyjamas with his hair a mess. “It was awful, wasn’t it, don’t sugar coat it,” he said before the screen had even loaded properly.

“It was the worst thing I’ve ever seen, how dare you ever appear on television,” Phil deadpanned.

“Shut up.” Dan glared at him, flopping over on his bed and dragging the laptop in closer. “Ugh, I’m the worst.”

“You are,” Phil agreed mildly.

“The lines were all wrong, they didn’t ask the questions in the order they told me, and I swear the interviewer wouldn’t stop looking at my left cheek – like just my left, why was she so obsessed? – and—”

“Your dimple is there,” Phil stated, as if it was obvious.

Dan shot him a slightly startled look.

“What?” Phil answered defensively. “It’s a nice dimple.”

“Glad to hear you approve.” Dan was smiling again, which was good, though he still looked a little bit distressed. “It was terrible.”

“You were perfect, as ever,” Phil assured him gently. “It’s as if you’ve been doing this for years.”

“You know I have,” Dan grumbled, but he looked mildly placated. He gave Phil a soft smile, one that just hinted at the creases at the corners of his eyes. “Missed you.”

“Me too.” Phil dragged his laptop further under the blanket fort with him, missing having something to wrap his arms around. He felt kind of hollow. “This whole being apart thing isn’t going too well.”

“For me neither,” Dan agreed. He looked a little shy through the grainy, pixelated screen, and the picture wasn’t clear but Phil thought he was maybe a little pink. “It’s almost the weekend, though.”

“Does that mean you get a breather from all the interviews?” Phil asked.

Dan nodded. His eyes darted up to meet Phil’s, and then away again, and he was squirming against the bedsheets. “I could. Um. I have some free time, so like… I could come up and visit.”

Phil’s eyes widened. “Don’t you have to be in London?”

“Well, I’m supposed to be.” Dan made a face, hastening to add, “But, like, I could get out of it for a weekend. There’s this thing where I’m supposed to be picking out a suit, and a few invites but I ignore them all anyway, and—”

Phil tuned out for a moment. Dan could be back here, actual and tangible and real, a person with a presence and a warmth and a scent, and Phil could have that. Phil could have him back. For however short it might be, Phil could have him back.

“But you aren’t supposed to leave London,” Phil interrupted Dan’s rambling.

Dan looked a little bit nervous. “Uh, yeah, but like I said, I could get out of it—”

“What if I came down to you?” The words were out before Phil could catch them.

Dan blinked, lips twitching as he stared straight through the camera. “Like, you’d visit here?”

“I mean, I could.” Phil hesitated, tracing every flicker of emotion across Dan’s face, worried he’d missed something or accidentally put his foot in it, or something. “I mean, my thesis is due by the end of the week so I’d have to leave Friday evening at the earliest, but—”

“But you’d come down to London?” Dan was staring at him with something like awe through the screen. It was a look Phil was having to become accustomed to, but sometimes it was a little hard to be looked at like he was the most amazing thing in the universe. Dan just thought so much of him, when Phil really didn’t think he was that special at all.

It was Phil’s turn to smile a little shyly at the camera. “Yeah. I’d come down to London.”

Dan’s entire face lit up.

“I mean, if I was welcome,” Phil hastily added, “And assuming everything goes well with my thesis, and you wouldn’t mind, and Tyler wouldn’t mind, then yes. I could stay the weekend.”

“Of fucking course you’d be welcome,” Dan answered, his voice light. “Tyler’s actually been bugging me about meeting you properly for weeks.”

“He’s met me on skype,” Phil said defensively. There was a little knot of worry balling up in his stomach. He’d never really met anyone from Dan’s world – not properly, aside from Louise perhaps. But Tyler was an old friend of Dan’s, someone important to him, and he actually scared Phil a little bit. Tyler was just very… exuberant.

“Yeah, but he says it isn’t the same.” Dan rolled a bit on his bed, curls flopping into his eyes as he peeked up at Phil. “I have to say, after this I’m inclined to agree with him. Not having you here isn’t fun.”

“I know,” Phil agreed. He cuddled up a bit smaller in his blanket fort. “But this weekend?”

“This weekend.” Dan’s face lit up again, all bright smiles and twinkling eyes and the crease of his dimple appearing again. “Five days. You’ll come down Friday evening?”

“Booking a train right now,” Phil agreed, and clicked straight over to the site to do so.

Why was finishing a thesis so hard? Phil had made a big mistake. Why had he stayed in education so long? Why hadn’t he gone out and got a proper job like PJ and the rest of their uni acquaintances? Literally no one else had stayed on to do a PhD apart from Matt, and he’d randomly decided to become an accountant four months in because it was too much hard work. Phil had made an error of judgement.

Well, at least, he thought so when he was busily reading through his entire thesis for the seventh time, furiously editing as he went. It had to be perfect. He was sending it off to be bound today, and it had to be quadruple checked for any errors and all his reasoning had to be perfectly outlined. His viva would happen afterwards, after all, and then he’d be sat down in a tiny room with two experts who were going to question him intensely on every single aspect of his thesis. And if he didn’t pass that, then he wouldn’t be graduating.

So his thesis was important.

Dan had already phoned him that morning, but Phil had actually hung up because he was too stressed to listen to Dan tell him about calming breathing techniques and ways to find inner peace when he was drowning in rows and rows of paper.

Phil’s phone buzzed just as he was figuring out the final bits of formatting, and he glanced down without really caring to see, to his surprise, a twitter notification from Dan.

@danisnotonfire: guys pls send @amazingphil some love his final day working on his thesis is here

Something in Phil’s chest tugged.

He hadn’t been expecting something like that. Today of all days, when he was stressed and cranky and he knew he’d been short with Dan on the phone earlier, but rather than getting upset and mad, Dan had instead done this. It was clingy and sweet, and Phil had a feeling that Dan just wanted to get attention from him somehow. But Phil was rather flattered by that thought. Especially when it resulted in this kind of sweetness.

Suddenly, Phil missed Dan even more than usual. He was glad he’d booked those train tickets earlier – just one more day and he’d be back in Dan’s space.

Slowly, he abandoned his laptop and instead scooped up his phone, glancing down to see a stream of replies already flooding in. Dan and he had calmed down a bit on twitter recently, tending towards texting and skyping each other instead of publicly announcing things (plus they weren’t in the same city anymore, which meant spontaneous photos had had to stop). But the same old people were back, replying once more to Dan’s tweet and tagging Phil in every response.

@dansfans123: @amazingphil good luck omg that is so exciting

@phantrash4ever: look at @danisnotonfire being a supportive bf gl @amazingphil

@dangirl98: @danisnotonfire @amazingphil thanks for brightening up my twitter again missed you guys

There was a dusting of something warm fluttering in Phil’s chest from all these messages. People on the internet who he didn’t even know were wishing him well – people who’d been following him for a while, sure, but no one he knew personally. He’d always thought they were just following him for his sneaky creepshot photos of Dan, anyway – he’d never expected to get this kind of support from them.

It was a surprise, but a welcome one.

With a little smile, Phil reached for his phone and sent a quick text to Dan before he went back to battling with his thesis.

Phil: thank you <3

Dan: no problem now go back to work

Phil did so, but it was with a smile on his face.

---

His thesis was over.

Phil was sweating when he finally sent the email with the finalised copy to the people who would bind it for him. He felt like he’d just run a marathon. Well, more like ten marathons back to back whilst being chased by a rabid baboon, but the fact still remained that he’d made it. His thesis was done. The biggest part of his PhD was finished, actually finished, and he thought he’d maybe even be proud of it after a few hours’ sleep and a shedload of coffee.

As it was, he sat grinning at his sent emails for probably too long before he finally set about the rest of his day.

Clearing away the giant piles of books was rather like saying goodbye to old friends. At least he could finally give Lilith back a lot of the books she’d lent him over the past four years, and maybe even actually get back to doing a few shifts at the store rather than spending his entire life buried in his documents. He’d missed the shop. Everything always felt peaceful there (never mind that it also contained some rather fond memories of Dan).

Speaking of Dan, Phil was going to have to start packing. He was heading off to London that evening, after all, a thought which had a tight little knot of nerves and excitement balling up inside his stomach. He was so excited to see Dan again, there was no denying that, but there was also the tiniest hint of fear tied in with everything else.

Well, maybe not tiniest – more like a growling monster threatening to grow bigger with every moment that Phil spent thinking about this weekend. Being with Dan again would be wonderful, yes, but there was everything else that came with it. Being in a big city, one Phil had only visited a few times before, away from his family and friends and everyone who knew him and made him feel safe. Aside from Dan, of course, who for some reason was the only person who Phil would move across the country for, because he made him feel safe.

Temporarily. There was no guarantee this was going to last, but… Phil would be lying if he wasn’t thinking about the future a lot while he set about throwing things into his suitcase.

Dan was a haphazard packer, but Phil was anything but. It was a difference he’d noted when Dan was first preparing to move back to London, once the film set up here had finished. For weeks afterwards, Phil’s flat had played home to a constant stream of Dan’s possessions that had taken up every corner of his flat, watching with despair as Dan threw them casually into his many cases. Dan had simply laughed at him, calling him overly worried, until Phil ended up walking away with a despairing shake of his head, letting Dan create whatever mess he desired within Phil’s life.

When Phil packed, it was ordered. He had everything folded up into neat little piles, and then proceeded to worry that he didn’t have everything he needed, or that he’d overpacked for just a weekend. But it was a weekend with Dan. It had to be perfect.

Phil was just putting in his favourite Stephen King book for the fifth time when his phone rang. The caller ID said Dan with one of the derpiest pictures Phil had taken during their Twitter creepshot war, so Phil was already smiling as soon as he hit ‘answer’.

“Did you hand it in?” Dan asked immediately, as soon as the ringing tone stopped.

Phil let out a loud sigh. “Do you have so little faith in me?”

“I don’t know, with the panic you were in earlier I had no idea,” Dan defended himself.

Phil couldn’t even be mad. He was already smiling just from hearing Dan’s voice, and he caught himself pressing his phone tighter to his ear, as if that would somehow make Dan be closer. “Yes, I handed it in.”

“I knew you could do it.” Dan sounded smug. “And you were sooo stressed about it.”

“I’m the one who’s entire life is dependent on this going well,” Phil grumbled. “I think I can be allowed to stress.”

“Of course, you’re absolutely right, stress is of course allowed.”

“Are you being sarcastic?”

“Would I do that?” Dan chuckled. “Have you packed?”

“Staring at my suitcase right now,” Phil promised, settling on sliding the Stephen King book back into its bookshelf. He wouldn’t need it in London when there was a Dan to keep him occupied.

Dan made an odd sort of squealing noise down the line.

Phil grinned. “Same.”

“I’m going to be waiting on the platform when your train gets in,” Dan promised, and there was so much eagerness in his tone that it made Phil’s chest tug.

Every the practical one, though, Phil answered gruffly, “Isn’t that impossible? You won’t have a ticket, the barriers—”

“Do you think barriers can stop Daniel Howell,” Dan scoffed. “Speaking of which, we should talk about what might happen.”

Phil arched a brow. “That sounds serious.”

“It is, kind of.”

Phil stepped away from the suitcase in favour of settling down on his sofa cushions, feeling the sofa groan as it took his weight. Everything in this flat was old – he’d been here almost four years, it was tired and full of nothing but his student life. Hardly a home, really.

Home was the other person on the phone.

“I’m just aware that there may be… people on the platform who might… recognise us.” Dan sounded sheepish, a little nervous even, but his words were a bit of a relief to Phil. Phil had been imagining all sorts of bad scenarios from the moment Dan said it was serious – like, hey Phil, actually I don’t want you to come to London at all, see you never again!

But that didn’t seem to be the case. Dan would probably laugh at him if Phil admitted to even thinking that in the first place.

“Oh.” Phil sighed, but tried to keep the levels of relief in his voice fairly normal. “Well. Ok then.”

“That’s all you’ve got to say?” Dan was torn between sounding amused and annoyed.

“Well, what do you want me to say?” Phil scratched at his hair. “I mean, I’m kind of used to the idea that being around actual Dan Howell means people are going to stare.”

“But are you ok with that?” Dan sounded concerned, more than Phil had been expecting. “I mean – we haven’t properly talked about it.”

“We can talk about it tonight, if you like.”

“That’s a bit late.” Nerves were evident in Dan’s tone. “I mean, like, we’ll have already been seen out in public, probably. But I really want to meet you at the station.”

Phil deliberated over that for a while, considering what Dan was really getting at. A part of Phil wanted to tease Dan for thinking he was important enough to be spotted even on a quick trip out to a train station, but the other part of Phil knew that Dan was probably right – hardly a day passed when Dan wasn’t getting photographed with some fan on Twitter.

Phil wasn’t jealous. Not really.

He also wanted Dan to meet him at the station.

“We can talk about it tonight,” Phil decided. “And you can meet me at the station. Nothing too bad can happen between the station and your place, right?”

“...Right,” Dan agreed after a moment, if a little hesitantly. “You’re sure?”

“Positive,” Phil said, a lot more decisively than he felt.

---

The closer the train got to London, the more Phil’s nerves increased, until he felt rather like there was some kind of giant fluff monster trying to fight its way out of his stomach. Leaning his head against the cool window helped to settle his nausea some, but Phil was still feeling distinctly less than well as the train started to slow on its approach into the station.

Dan would be waiting there. On the platform, if he had indeed managed to wangle his way past the security barriers without a ticket (Phil wouldn’t put it past him, that face of his was annoyingly charming). Either way, very shortly Phil would be back in Dan’s space, and he was – honestly, he was terrified.

It had never felt this difficult in Manchester. There, Phil was at home, he’d never been the one to move into Dan’s world. No, Dan had always been the one visiting Phil, invading his spaces with his breezy charm and hasty personality, eyes dark and usually glittering with some annoying plot or other. Phil had got used to it, having Dan around, and not having him around left this awful ache that just kind of congealed inside Phil’s chest.

But this – travelling to Dan’s space, preparing to see him again – this was also just terrifying. Phil knew, logically, that he was being irrational – this was still just Dan, after all, his Dan – but that didn’t stop him from rolling around in nerves. Dan was Daniel Howell, so far out of his league it was basically a joke. Surely in these few weeks apart, Dan would have realised that he could have so much more than Phil could give.

He told you you’re enough, Phil reminded himself. He just wished that was easier to believe.

The train pulled to a halt. Phil got shakily to his feet (his knees were actually trembling, what was this), scooped up his rucksack, and joined the throng of people battling their way off the train and onto the platform. He felt awkwardly tall, as ever, and wished for Dan to be there to at least match his ridiculous height.

It took what felt like ages to get off the train, with all the commuters going to London, and the platform was crowded when Phil finally stepped down onto the concrete. The noise of the crowds sounded like a faded buzz to Phil, though, who was already scanning the crowd for another awkwardly tall, fringe-bearing human who would probably be lurking in a dark corner somewhere.

Sure enough, one glance around the station revealed a black-clad figure sequestered away under the stairs, near the lift. Phil was breaking into a smile before he realised. Dan looked just the same as ever – his Dan, not the Dan that appeared in TV interviews. No, this Dan had his head down and his fringe falling into his eyes, his shoulders bent in posture almost as bad as Phil’s own, hiding away from the crowds other than quick darting looks he sent towards the train.

One on such quick darting look, he caught sight of Phil. Phil’s smile widened instantly, and he lifted one hand in an awkward half-wave. It was different, seeing Dan here, in public when they were deliberately meeting. It made Phil almost… shy.

Dan, it seemed, had no such qualms. The minute he caught sight of Phil, he was striding across the platform with purpose in his steps, but a smile just gracing the corner of his lips. Phil reached for him automatically as soon as he was close enough, but their conversation earlier was enough to make him hesitate – what if there was someone watching? So in the end, Phil ended up just kind of tugging on the edges of Dan’s sleeves in lieu of actually holding his hand.

Dan grinned and tugged on Phil’s sleeve in return. “Hi.”

“Hey.” Phil was a bit breathless. “Wasn’t sure you’d charm your way onto here.”

“Never doubt my charms,” Dan admonished him, giving another tug on Phil’s sleeve. He was smirking, that stupid expression that made him look arrogant, but Phil could read the slight nerves dancing behind his eyes.

Phil could understand that.

“You’re ridiculous,” Phil ended up telling him. “And a pain, and I thought I’d never see you again.” He tugged once more at Dan’s sleeve, and then took one more step forward, right into Dan’s space. They weren’t touching, but Phil could finally breathe him in again, cement the fact that this was somehow real.

Dan was smiling, holding back a grin if the tightness to the edges of his mouth was anything to go by. He ducked his head a bit, nudging in closer, and murmured, “Of course you’d see me again, you spork.”

“I don’t know,” Phil confessed quietly. “Figured you’d have found someone more your level down here in the big city.”

“Better than you northerners,” Dan agreed, but he tightened his grip on Phil’s sleeve anyway. “Come on. I want to take you home.”

Phil could feel the tightness in his chest already receding just at those words. That fluff monster of nerves that had been trying to fight its way out of his stomach all day finally disintegrated, slowly, leaving him relaxed and feeling secure again.

So, with another deep breath, Phil reached out and took Dan’s hand in his own.

He felt Dan startle a bit, saw the way Dan turned his head with a questioning glance to Phil, but Phil just nodded his head firmly. “Home. Take me there.”

A beat of silence followed, but then Dan’s face relaxed into his open, easy, crinkly-eyed smile – Phil’s favourite. “Alright. Home.”

He kept his hand in Phil’s as he led him out of the station.

---

In all the nerves about getting to London and seeing Dan again, Phil had kind of… forgotten that Dan had a flatmate.

Tyler Oakley was larger than life, bouncing around the room like an excited weasel and leaving a whirlwind of order in his wake. The kitchen was so clean it almost sparkled, the sofa cushions were plumped and soft and arranged with aesthetic looking cushions, and the whole place smelled like flowers and lemon.

Phil blinked upon walking in, and then turned straight to Dan. “There is no way this is your doing.”

Dan looked vaguely affronted, which honestly just made the whole thing better.

Tyler shook Phil’s hand enthusiastically upon meeting him, looked him up and down in a way that made Phil shift a bit uncomfortably, and then turned to Dan with an approving nod. “I give you leave to like him.”

“Bit late for that,” Dan answered wryly, giving Phil’s hand in his a squeeze. “But thanks.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Phil added stupidly, and then wanted to burst into embarrassed flames.

Tyler, thankfully, just smirked at him with that odd thin-lipped smile, eyes twinkling. “And if you can put up with Dan for multiple hours when he’s working on set, then I know you’re already a saint, so.”

“I am not that bad,” Dan huffed.

“No?” Tyler turned to Phil. “Did he do that thing to you where he fell asleep in random inconvenient spaces?”

Phil arched a brow. “Yes, actually. In my bookshop.”

Tyler sent Dan a triumphant look. “And get you out walking at random hours so he wouldn’t have to be lonely?”

“I got many 5am calls,” Phil agreed with a heavy sigh.

“I hate you both,” Dan announced. “Officially.”

“Ooh, we’re terrified.” Tyler winked at Phil, and then proceeded to flick the hob on.

Tyler was a good cook, to add to his many talents, and he didn’t mind wittering on about nothing important while Dan and Phil curled up together on the sofa. Phil listened occasionally, feeling a bit bad about ignoring someone he’d only just met, but it was hard to focus on Tyler’s stories about stage make-up when he had Dan crawling rather determinedly into his lap.

“Do you mind,” Phil grumbled, but Dan just hushed him and got settled a bit more comfortably.

“There,” Dan said, with great satisfaction, and laid his head on Phil’s lap.

Phil pretended to grumble for a moment more, but he couldn’t keep it up for long when Dan was wriggling about and warm and here. They were in the same space again, and Dan had wasted absolutely no time crawling back into Phil’s space, attaching them together firmly and simultaneously quieting all of Phil’s fears that this wouldn’t last, that he wouldn’t be enough.

It didn’t take long for Phil’s fingers to find their way into Dan’s hair, which only made Dan melt more against him. When Tyler next turned around, it was to find the two of them cuddled up close, hands held, Dan’s head in Phil’s lap, Phil leaning down over him with the softest little smile on his face.

Tyler smiled at both of them, and went back to cooking dinner.

Having Dan back in his space was the best thing Phil had ever felt. He’d known he’d missed Dan, but it hadn’t quite felt as real or visceral as this before. When he had Dan’s hair under his fingers, Dan’s breath warm against his wrist, the warm weight of Dan’s torso sprawled across his lap, it was hard to remember what the empty space without him there had felt like. The unsettling ache that had burned its hole into Phil’s chest was placated somewhat when he had Dan so close.

Even when they ate, Dan made sure to keep touching Phil whenever was possible – a brush of the shoulder, a quick grip to his finger between courses (because Tyler was ridiculous and had cooked a full four courses, despite Dan insisting it wasn’t necessary, Tyler said he wanted a proper greeting for Dan’s Boyfriend). Phil appreciated it, even if the way Tyler’s gaze lingered on the two of them occasionally made him uncomfortable.

Phil tried to put it to the back of his mind. It was easier to do that than he’d imagined, what with Dan still insisting on lying on him at every possible opportunity.

The meal went well, and Tyler was surprisingly easy to get along with. At first, Phil found his brash, quick nature a bit difficult to get along with, but Dan and Tyler had a sort of easy banter that it was easy to listen to, so Phil fit himself in around that (and tried not to get jealous of how easily Tyler was able to tease Dan. Phil wanted to do that, too).

They cleared up together, but then Dan tugged at Phil’s hand rather determinedly and turned to Tyler, saying rather firmly, “We’re going to my room now.”

Tyler arched a brow at the both of them. “Will I need earplugs?”

Phil sputtered, but Dan spoke over him smoothly enough. “Don’t be a shithead.”

Tyler shook his head, backing up a bit to wave them on through. Phil did everything he could not to meet his eyes. He was sure his cheeks had gone a disgusting red colour, but Dan was still tugging on his hand, so he felt slightly more sheltered than before. Besides, he was quite looking forward to curling up with Dan without worrying about what Tyler was doing.

Heading into Dan’s room was oddly familiar, if only from the background to many skype calls. Phil instantly recognised the black and grey pillows on his bed (so depressing and so typically Dan trying to be cool), the soft fluffy blanket he had thrown carelessly across his bed sheets, the shelf in the corner of the room that housed many anime DVDs as well as a few of Dan’s own films.

Phil grinned a bit when he saw them. “A fan of yourself, are you?”

“Shush, someone has to buy them,” Dan grumbled. He’d already sprawled himself across his bed and was making grabby hands at Phil, accompanied by a pathetic little whining noise.

Phil bit his lip to try and hide his grin. “Are you trying to tell me something?”

“Stop being a dick and get over here,” Dan grumbled. “It’s been ages.”

Phil would have argued, but he was really itching to be back with Dan again too, so he just let out a put-upon sigh and crawled up onto the bed with Dan. Dan immediately attached himself to Phil, which was really quite ridiculous seeing as they were both tall lanky humans who didn’t really fit, but Dan was insistent and Phil wasn’t complaining.

They ended up a tangle of limbs, Dan sprawled mostly on top of Phil with his head nestled on Phil’s chest, just over Phil’s heartbeat. Phil wrapped both his arms around Dan’s back and squeezed, placing his face into Dan’s hair for just a moment.

“Missed you,” he confessed, which made Dan give a little wriggle against him.

“Missed you too,” Dan answered in his softest inside voice. Looking down at him, it was hard for Phil to imagine this as the same human who’d been smooth and suave in an interview on TV just a few days ago.

This Dan and Daniel Howell didn’t always match up in Phil’s head.

But he would learn. And besides, Phil really quite liked this Dan, so he squeezed him tight again and nestled his face into Dan’s hair.

“You’ve done nothing but cling at me since I got here,” Phil remarked casually into Dan’s hair.

Dan made some kind of muffled snorting noise into his shirt. “Are you complaining?”

“Never.”

“Good.”

Phil chuckled softly, jostling Dan a bit, and squeezed him close.

Dan blinked up at him, a question furrowing his brow. “So earlier, at the station, what did you mean?”

Phil tilted his head. “Uh, you might have to be a bit more specific?”

“When you said you thought you’d never see me again.”

Phil bit his lip. “Oh. That.”

“Yeah.” Dan shoved at him. “That. I wanted to ask you all through dinner, but—”

“Tyler,” Phil supplied wryly.

“Tyler.” Dan agreed. “So what did you mean?”

Phil let out a sigh. He debated for a moment just how honest to be, how much he should let Dan in. But Dan had already seen everything of him – and Phil had literally travelled across the country for him. It should be safe enough, shouldn’t it? Phil should feel secure enough to say this.

And the odd thing was, he did. With Dan there, back in his arms, it was much easier to feel secure.

“I don’t know,” Phil finally murmured. “I just – when you were in Manchester, right there every day, it was easy to think about this. About you. But when you were gone—”

“Are you saying you never thought about me when I was gone?” Dan demanded indignantly.

“No, no, of course not – I mean – you were always on my mind, but in a bad way.”

Dan squawked.

“Not bad bad,” Phil hastened to rescue the conversation. “I mean like – it was hard to imagine it had happened at all when you weren’t there.”

Dan tilted his head up enough to send Phil a hard stare.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Phil defended himself. “It was easy to imagine you never looking at me twice again, you’re actual Dan Howell.”

Dan continued to stare at him, though the look had turned into one of consideration. Thoughtfully, he answered, “We really need to work on your insecurities.”

“Thanks,” Phil grumbled gruffly.

“And you’re an idiot,” Dan added casually as if Phil hadn’t spoken. “Do you really think I could look at anyone else when you’re just sitting around in the north waiting for me?”

Phil hid a smile in Dan’s hair. “It just didn’t seem believable when you were on TV instead of sprawled all over my lounge.”

“I do not sprawl.”

“What are you doing right now?”

“Not sprawling,” Dan grumbled, even as he shifted to be more comfortably settled on top of Phil.

Phil chuckled, squeezing his arms tight around Dan’s body. “If you say so.”

“Can you be quiet now,” Dan mumbled into Phil’s shirt, wriggling and stretching out and burying his face more firmly into Phil’s shirt. “Only get to have you here for so long, would rather not spend that time together bickering.”

“So you want me to be a faceless lump for you to sprawl on,” Phil deadpanned, chuckling again when Dan whacked at him. He pressed his face back into Dan��s hair and breathed him in, and really, he wasn’t complaining about this either.

Dan was right, after all. They only had this weekend, and Phil would really like to just hide from the rest of the world for a little while and focus only on having Dan back in his space.

Next Chapter Here

#phanfiction #phanfic #ace!Phil #bi!Dan #actor!Dan au #iwritephanthings #inmyway

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