#i swear we're actually friends
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i have spilled so much ink about gawyn but really i only need 2 passages to explain why he is Like That
1. My blood shed before hers; my life given before hers...That was the oath he had taken when barely tall enough to peer into Elayne's cradle. ... Gareth Bryne had had to explain to him what it meant, but even then he had known he had to keep that oath if he failed at everything else in his life. (LOC prologue)
2. From Morgase, Queen of Andor, to her beloved son, Gawyn. May he be a living sword for his sister and Andor. (ACOS prologue)
like yeah, no wonder he does what he does in AMOL. people will be like "gawyn is so stupid for not thinking about the fact that his death would hurt egwene" as if he's being maliciously stupid and careless, when in fact, he has such little self-worth that he genuinely does not consider himself a valuable human being whose loss would impact anyone or anything. his life given before hers. a living sword. this has been his mindset since toddlerhood and nobody ever noticed it enough to try and counteract it. gawyn is exactly what rand would have been like at the last battle if he hadn't had a mental health intervention.
#SAD ABOUT GAWYN HOURS#god i would die if the show portrayed the oath-swearing onscreen as a flashback cold open. it is THE formative event for his character!!#gawyn trakand#wot#wot book spoilers#gawynposting#gawyn and rand really are foils in so many ways#the way they are objectified and viewed as weapons (by themselves as well as by others)#but gawyn has been raised that way since birth whereas it's a new thing for rand#so rand has childhood friends & family & memories to remind him that he IS a person. gawyn doesn't.#his own mother taught him to view himself as a sword for others' use (but she wasn't being malicious that's just what being a royal is)#and then if you look at some of gawyn's behavior it's SO similar to how rand behaves#what really struck me is during the coup when gawyn shuts down and becomes very cold and emotionless#and min and readers are like 'oh my god he's a sociopath'#but he's actually deeply traumatized and shutting off emotions as a coping mechanism as we've seen rand do COUNTLESS times#but we're in rand's head and we're not in gawyn's so we have more sympathy and understanding for rand#'how can the other characters who don't have the benefit of seeing inside rand's head misinterpret his trauma behavior as assholery?'#well
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in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....
#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know 🤭#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space#like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else#other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh#to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn#i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding#and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt#unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow#and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation#abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol#and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever#and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress#i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes#like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up#a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl#ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs#im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> 🛌#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo#.diaries#zzzzz
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saw someone unironically saying "rhinedottir fed nigredo to durin to make nigredo grow better and stronger because durin's stomach is actually nurturing like hummus 😊😊😊" god if you're up there can you revoke this person's rights to speak about rhinedottir, or any morally questionable girlboss for that matter. if you can't accept that a lady had her son swallow her other son whole then just move onto characters who are actually nice instead of rewriting the actually not so good characters to fit your imaginary narrative better.
#rhine rambling tag#rhinedottir#i swear to god no one has it worse than rhinedottir fans we're in the FUCKING TRENCHES#if it's not people claiming rhinedottir is gonna be an eden or black swan or mobius or whatever honkai girl expy#or saying she's a descender because of that one “flower that is not of this world” line WHICH WAS DEBUNKED SINCE 2. FUCKING 3#its people doing olympics levels of mental gymnastics to convince themselves and everyone else that she's not a horrible person.#SHE IS. THAT'S LITERALLY THE WHOLE POINT#god. reminds me of an ex-friend of mine that was 100% convinced scara was a psychopath who would turn evil and sadistic after 3.3#and downright saying that the “little doll” story should have been deleted because it didn't fit THEIR interpretation of scara#that was based entirely in wishful thinking and poor misconceptions that have been cleared up PATCHES AGO.#but they just COULDN'T accept that scaramouche wasn't this inherently murderous goth sadistic mommy kinda character#and called ME and MY FRIEND *DELUSIONAL*#last time i spoke to them they said that neuvillette would never cry because he uhh didnt understand his emotions??? WHAT#THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS MAYBE IF YOU WERENT BUSY CRANKING IT TO SCARAMOUCHE IN NURSE LINGERIE YOU'D ACTUALLY KNOW WHO THE CHARACTERS **ARE**#aight that was quite the tangent#ok new tag#rhine hating
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perhaps growing up in a house full of people with cat behavior (and also plenty of cats) has. stunted my ability to interact socially like a normal human being
#by which i mean myself and everyone in my family with whom i spent the majority of my time arouns growing up#are all extremely used to and comfortable doing our own thing completely separate and independently from one another#much like a cat; 'being in the same room' but not interacting otherwise is a perfectly good social scenario for us#like i swear when i was at home last week other than preparing or eating meals#everybody in the house spent 90% of the time just. doing their own activities.#completely separately and with no expectation of 'needing' to do activities together#of course i like a good social activity from time to time. but i also very much enjoy Existing neadby a social groupmate#without actually doing anything Together. and i think perhaps. that is not normal#and that i can come off as cold and aloof and unfriendly that way.#but idk. if we're friends then just Hanging Out nearby and not doing anything more than that is still Something to me. idk#i wanna talk about me
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big public fb page: i told a friend from another country that we're waiting to have rockets thrown at us and she said we're crazy
comment 1: she's right
comment 2: she's right
comment 3: she's right
comment 4: we are
comment 5: she's right
comment 6: she's right
[and so on and so forth for 100+ comments]
#how about you. my friends from other countries. do you think we're crazy#btw when i say waiting for it's not like in a good way it's the assumption that it'll happen basically 😭#normal country :^)#so normal in fact that today on the bus i had to calm myself down saying no terrorist will go on the bus to start stabbing/shooting#bc there were barely any people on it and it won't pay off for him. lol.#that is because there was indeed a stabbing terrorist attack yesterday morning. roads were super empty for a sunday i swear#normal experiences normal existence normal life :^)#(apologies for being whiny when others def have in way worse and for some directly bc of us.)#(imo these sentiments don't actually conflict. and i want to complain. sorry)
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I SWEAR I KEEP TRYING TO DO ART BUT THEN SOMETHING GETS IN THE WAY AND THEN I PROCRASTINATE AND THEN SIX MONTHS PASS
#this has been happening for like TWO YEARS BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I AM TRYING.#my usual art motivation (my webcomic idea) has been put on hold for a bit and because of that i forgort... everything#my will to draw specifically#but in my defense i have been writing k*arlach / oc indulgences and i've been VERY focused on finishing it#i also got a marketing manager (my friend <3) to help with advertising my comms and stuff so uh... look forward 2 that#i might need to start posting all of my art on a sideblog so she doesn't have to log into my main though#so there might be some changes#but i promise i want to do art!!!! but there's always something to do first and then months pass :(#or i get the urge to draw and then life is like ''have a cancer scare'' lmao...#(ended up being cancerous actually </3 but because it's skin stuff it was easy to remove)#(but that really took the piss out of me for most of july... not to mention that ffxiv released a new expansion and i have been...#having a good time with my new friends doing content and stuff!) i also made a friend irl after like 3-4 years of total isolation#we feed ants and watch them move around together and comment on their behaviour patterns...#but like when i say this takes literal hours.#we just sit out there and talk about random shit and watch ants walk across the floor. both of us hate ants btw.#like we don't like having them ON us so it's a bit like playing with fire.#but anyways yeah i've also been really low energy recently too bc of the heat and burnout from college...#but the good news is that i'm transferring in fall to a much more relaxing college & courseload!#i'm hoping it'll stop me from feeling so... awful ?? i guess ??#like i was taking classes i didn't need to that were really difficult & punishing#not to mention extremely boring & hard to pay attention to when dealing with literally anything. i did not want to be there.#my next college is much more interest-oriented so i will finally be able to take classes i want to and learn from them...!#and then maybe i will feel a bit more in control of my life / more encouraged to draw#anyways thank u for reading my ramble. hoping it all comes together soon.#i need to do a lot of work but most of it is so i can sell commissions again#but once the karlach fic is done we're so back on the webcomic train !!!!!!!!
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Look! It's the fucking Sorcerer who definitely isn't the embodiment of chaotic neutral! And definitely didn't die I mean... Got yoinked by outlaws in our like, 3rd session! (This was months ago btw, he's fine now! Or well, more like, for now)
#dnd#dnd art#dnd character#dnd charcter art#dnd sorcerer#my friend's oc#my artwork#my art#artistsupport#artsits on tumblr#fire#we didn't start the fire#but he certainly did#his name is Auburn btw#my character punched him :D#deserved tbh#hes so silly#the fact that in our party we're basically all elves except 2 dragonborns (I think?) and a varian human???? (I'm also not sure about that)#Dave if you somehow see this post#no you didn't#HE BURNED A FUCKING TOWN TO THE GROUND LAST SESSION Y'ALL#Dm I'm so sorry#I swear to the Gods... this guy is gonna get us arrested#I love you bro but PLEASE#I have no idea ho my character is the most sane one here#Auburn you fuck I know BURN is literally in your name... BUT YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO BURN THIS SHIT TO THE GROUND
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same soup... different day
#hello it is sarah in the tags again#i feel like i tell myself i'll actually use this as a blog and then i forget and then i remember and then i forget again#venting ahead if that is not ur jam (talking to the 2 followers who actually see my posts)#i like tumblr because it;s so removed from my personal life that it feels really like a place i dont have to be anything for anyone#anyway i've been wondering if i should go back to therapy again but i feel like they might get tired of me because i keep bailing and comin#back like an addict lol like i swear i'll commit this time! sike. ghost be upon ye#anyway this time i'd come in for the big D#i don't like the floor it just feels closer to being six feet under and a bit like where i belong#i feel like a great number of things have happened in the past year and i've met all of it with a very lukewarm sense of dread and anxiety#its not even about feeling happy i dont even think i can feel shaken by anything. i feel like people see my apathy and think it's confidenc#anyway im not going back. they always say the same thing. can't do shit about shit life syndrome. and i don't want pills i'm so sick of the#isn't it something that i'm especially depressed the day before i start my new job? it's a tradition at this point. cheers#isn't it cruel that everyone in my life seem to put me on some kind of bizarre pedestal and no one questions my decisions or authority and#i battle with myself to figure out if i'm doing the right thing (no one will tell me the truth they are all scared of me getting angry)#was talking with a friend about how it'll be if i join their group project in a module we're taking soon.#and she's like well isn't it obvious? everyone will just listen to whatever you say and we'll end up doing well.#no one would challenge you because you're always right. and it's like.. yeah. i guess. okay. (hate that i know she's not wrong)#lol can u tell this is why house is kind of getting to me. learning lots of things about myself watching that man commit medical malpractic#anyway. i didn't ghost my therapist this time i remember now. she left the clinic lol she asked me to connect on linkedin. that was amusing#i always feel like the therapists here never know what to do with me and i kind of have to hold their hand a bit through my psyche#also they seem to be a bit at awe of me which is a bit annoying. and i know that definitely sounds like Issues but it's just like#ugh not you too. please stop i'm sick of it i'm sick with it. i don't want you to be inspired by my awful life and how i handled it#and i have nothing to say for it but... *gestures vaguely* of all of this
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another little personal spiel that im adding in the tags, ignore me if you're not interested~
#c.speaks#THIS GUY HOLY SHIT#he makes me feel so delusional i swear to god#he really#GAH#he was putting in so much effort to talk to me one on one#like every time it felt like the conversation would end#he would lean closer to me and say something that would make us talk longer#and he kept up eye contact almost the entire time and the only reason it wasnt the whole time#IS BECAUSE I KEPT LOOKING AWAY#when i said bye to him i could hear him telling his friends about me 😭🥹#we only see each other like every few weeks#and we're not the really the closest okay? he knew one of my cosest friends longer than he knew me#and i talk more to his best friend who's like a big brother to me#so i didnt think im someone he'd want to hang out with one on one#or tell his friends about#and okay i have liked him for a bit now#and im the one who usually initiates our conversations and they didn't used to last as long as a while ago#but recently he's been the one doing that and holding me in conversation for as long as he could#guys im delusional#i cant believe i actually have feelings for a man#SEND HELP???#im done im crazy#good night
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desperate to make a swearing compilation of Y7's eng dub
#snap chats#see thats what my five year old brain likes about the eng dub- japanese doesnt really have heavy swear words like that#it HAS swearing of course but.. just doesnt hit the same as a good ol fat Fuck yk. american ass statement but ill deal with it later#i was playing y7 with my friend the other day and every time we heard ichi say fuck we cackled#not because we're 12 and we laugh at cursing- i actually get annoyed when my friend curses so excessively LMAO#BUT NO ITS CAUSE SOMETIMES KAIJI JUST PUTS HIS WHOLE HEART INTO SAYING FUCK AN ITS REALLY FUNNY#and in my brain i have that scene of aoki yelling 'fuck' in the elevator saved as an eternal reaction clip to things#its so fuckin funny idc#i prob wont tho because. Thats A Lot Of Footage LMAO#but just know ichi tellin the soapland owner from chap 1 to fuck off and ichi goin What The Fuck after adachi says he tracked him tickles m
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I am so excited to write today!! 🥰🥰
#I am clawing at the walls!#jet lag cannot conquer me I am stronger than it#I had such a bad time in the airport like 9 hours of delays. Plus 3hrs to get home once I actually arrived in England.#eeewww.#and my cousin is really unwell so I am babysitting her kitten for the time being#cutest cat in the entire world I swear#she's so shy but so snuggly#I thought she would take a few days to warm up to me but no#girl has been climbing all over me#we're friends#sunny speaks
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i have been both friendzoned and infinitely affirmed of our mutual growing affections for one another in one fell swoop by my coworker. i need her BAD
#'we're gonna make such good friends' yeah and i love sunsets and just compared you to a sunset and you said you knew i was different when#i ran up to you at work begging you to come quick and look at the sunset the first time i met you and well i smiled at you a lot#but you smiled back#you smiled back yes you did#and today you gave me a hug. whatevwrrrr#TWO hugs actually man what the hell and you reached out for it! i didnt ask for it!#im God's most specialest little dykey dishwasher and im gonna get this girl i swear
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today in "was all that research really necessary for a single chapter of fanfiction?": happy birthday song in sweden, birthday traditions venezuela, birthdays venezuela, venezuela christmas traditions, venezuela states, venezuela coleo, venezuela map, caracas botanical garden, venezuela fruit, sweden holidays, caracas mountain, venezuela music, reggaeton, venezuela surfing, venezuela spices, feast of immaculate conception, sections of a church, catholic school sweden, how to celebrate feast of immaculate conception, venezuela catholic hymns, gay anthems, archdiocese, archbishop, quesillo, venezuela happy birthday song, traditional dancing caracas, caracas fauna, caracas animals, dinner for one, happy new year in swedish, caracas sunset time, swedish new years traditions, venezuela new years grapes, venezuela new years suitcase, population of caracas, population of stockholm, venezuelan dishes, empanadas, hallacas, macarronada
#i swear i'm doing actual writing amidst all this research#we're over 11k for this chapter#i'm hoping hoping hoping to get it done tomorrow but more things keep developing as i write it#i hope my beta friends will be honest if there's stuff i need to cut lol#i just want to get this chapter to y'all because you've been waiting so patiently
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Something I've noticed from subbing to just a couple of very small patreons (like fewer than 50 members) is how SHY people are about talking to the creator that they are paying! What's up with that? I wonder if it's because most of these patrons come via tumblr, where there is the culture of talking in the tags/reblogs and comments being your "outdoor voice"/basically it being RUDE to talk to people.
I think that's fucked up, especially in the context of artists (just to be clear every time I say artists that is inclusive of writers). Like these are people that are making a thing and showing it to you, they don't just want silent nods of approval by way of reblogs/likes. They want FEEDBACK. They want CONNECTION. I think a fundamental part of creating and sharing art is the goal of connection. And I don't think people realize how truly disheartening it is to post something and then get completely silent likes/reblogs.
For the love of God they are TALKING TO YOU. TALK BACK!!!!
#i love you arts-i-enjoy where i can post thoughts direct from my brain and trust that no one will ever see it 😌#this post brought to you by: me#i get we're on tumblr where most of the interactions we see are people saying the most batshit things#but literally just be nice and respectful and i swear to you i promise you people will be happy you commented#talking in the tags is good!!! i do that a lot on art and stuff! but also on platforms like ao3 or patreon where the only option is comment#DO THAT. THAT IS WAY BETTER THAN NOTHING.#maybe im projecting but i Always love it when people talk to me as long as they are kind#i just. think we could be nicer to each other. and make each other happier#also thinking about the times ive trained people are my job and my friend who is a Trainer for their job#and how absolutely soul crushing it is to talk and talk and know that people are there and are choosing not to talk back to you#like the people in training that just. laugh at my dumb little light hearted comment. i owe them everything#oof throw back to the day i spent 8 hours training 15 people in a class together and i think the whole time 2 of them came of mute ever#destroy your voice and also your enthusiasm with this one easy 8 hour trick! you will want to sleep for three days!#god im such a fucking people person how did i ever think i was a hardcore “”“”introvert“”“”#nooo baby youre just completely socially isolated and depressed meet some people you actually like and you will see the light baby girl#this week is gonna fucking kill me. my last local friends are moving to a different state. im gonna be alone. in florida#gahhhhhhhhh#anyways yeah talk to people about the stuff they make itll enrich both of you <3
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Reading through notes on posts we disagree with and getting increasingly frustrated by them is. A bad habit. That we really need to try and break.
#we saw a post talking about discord vent channels#and like#yes we get the sentiment#but also#please don't generalize for fuck's sake#because gods dammit for a LONG time they were the only place we had to actually fucking talk about and externalize shit#and while public servers having them can be a bad sign#they are not universally bad.#And neither is asking friends for emotional support.#EVEN IF TEENS ARE THE ONES DOING IT#Y'ALL PUT SO MANY GODDAMN EXPECTATIONS ON US#WE'RE EXPECTED TO BE AS MATURE AS ADULTS AND YET HAVE ACCESS TO SO FEW ADULT RESOURCES IT'S LAUGHABLE#WE'RE EXPECTED TO DEAL WITH ACTIVE ABUSE OR TRAUMA ON OUR OWN#AND IF WE DARE TRY AND ASK FOR HELP FROM PEERS#IT'S CALLED VARIOUS DEGREES OF “CRINGE” OR “PROBLEMATIC”#I swear to the gods y'all just don't want to fucking think about teens Existing#y'all fucking treat us like we're zoo animals sometimes#“let's gawk at the human with half as much life experience as me for being immature and not knowing how to deal with their feelings!”#Adults get to have fucking peer support groups.#Adults get to have spaces where they can vent about their problems#but the moment teens try to do the same?#It's suddenly a huge fucking deal#this got really venty#because this is something we care a lot about#teens shouldn't have to lie about their age to get help for shit#teens shouldn't have to lie about their age fucking PERIOD.#We shouldn't have to pretend to be an adult to have our opinions and feelings taken seriously#fucking block us if you think otherwise#because we don't respect you as a person if you disagree with that
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18, 43, and 78 for the Fanfiction Writer Asks?
Oh my god Jpeg!!! Hi!!!! Thank you for the ask 💖💖💖 Sorry in advance for turning this into an essay but hopefully you enjoy it and thank you!!!!
18 - Do you enjoy research? Which fic of yours required the most research?
Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't, honestly. It tends to feel like homework sometimes, but I'm a huge reader and I love reading comics. It's just hard for me to find time between working full time and the D&D campaign I'm writing/DMing and the academic article I'm writing and being in a relationship and figuring out grad school/future stuff. Basically, I'm a really busy person but I just want to read and write fic all day 😭
As for which required the most research that I've already started posting, I'd have to say Know Yourself. I had to read Battle for the Cowl, and I still have to read Final Crisis (is that a spoiler? 👀). I basically did no research for Rooftops & Bookshops (I feel like it shows) but I did read quite a few summaries.
But the fic with the most research I will have to do is definitely the fic I'm going to talk about in the next question, for which I'll have to read Red Robin, Under the Red Hood and some of Tim's Robin run. Probably more, but it'll be worth it.
43 - Is there a trope or idea that you'd really like to write but haven't yet?
YES. So many. I want to write one bed and also time travel and also identity reveal (thank you jaytimweek for forcing me to do it providing me with the opportunity). I actually have two ideas for identity reveal, one of which will hopefully be up for jaytimweek. The other identity reveal is definitely going to be my next long fic. I already know it'll be near 100k words and I PROMISED myself I wouldn't start working on it until Know Yourself is fully posted except for the epilogue (so a few months 😭). The identity reveal longfic is also going to be a soulmates fic 😈 and I think it might technically not be a love square but also it sort of will be? OKAY IF I SAY ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT IT IM GONNA SPOIL SOMETHING NEXT QUESTION
78 - What motivates you during the writing process?
Honestly, I feel sort of shitty being like "people's reactions," because I shouldn't base my worth as a writer on how many kudos/comments I get, etc., etc., and no one reading this should feel any pressure to comment if they don't want to, but when I get to see how someone reacted to my work??? OH that's the stuff.
I tend to be my own worst critic with everything, but especially my own writing, so every time I see a new comment, I have the urge to run to my computer and write. I basically get high off comments, especially when it's from authors I love to read!!! (@ you jpeg. Detective Timothy Drake and the Mysterious Case of the Unclaimed Dildo lives in my head rent free. That fic is a masterpiece.) There's just something about knowing that a writer I love enjoys my work. It really makes me feel confident in my writing, which makes me want to write more.
Also serial commenters!! I'm looking forward to what you think of every new chapter. Also people who just comment ahsjslakhdslkab or second kudos or a heart emoji. And people who post those really long comments theorizing or asking questions or copy/pasting quotes with their reactions??? My favorite. Satisfies the desire I have to watch everyone read my work so I can see them react to it.
Basically, knowing that people are enjoying what I write and want to read more is honestly the biggest motivator for me, which is why I tend to post chaptered stuff. I need the push to keep going, or else my piece would rot in my drafts (like some of my unposted works that I'll resuscitate one day)
Also if anyone reading this has ever commented on one of my fics, just know I think we're besties now. Come say hi. Even if you haven't commented and just want to motivate me to write more! Come say hi!
#batsasks#I was so totally normal about you sending me this ask I swear#<- lying#i still get super excited when you comment on my fics 😂#which is especially funny because I know you sent me one like last week I haven't responded to yet because every time I sit down to#answer comments I get distracted actually writing#so yeah thank you thank you thank you!!!!!#we're friends now I don't make the rules 😊#okay I'm going to go finish writing chapter 5 of Know Yourself now#it's almost ready for betaing!!!!#i want to have it up by next week!!!!
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