#i swear to god mental health professionals only care about the mild and super severe cases

[borderlinebastard]

so. I’m in a bad mood today because 

a) my sleep schedule is so fucked up I woke up at midnight and couldn’t go back to sleep the entire night 

b) got into a fight with my sister on messenger (or rather, it was me getting furious at something horrible she said, and her acting like I shouldn’t be angry and that her flawed logic is Right) 

c) hadn’t eaten all day 

d) I haven’t been taking my meds e) I’d been really socially anxious after nearly knocking something over in a shop and the cashier pressuring me to buy items in sets

and I went to an appointment, with a guy who’s supposed to help me improve my confidence/work skills. it was such basic and boring stuff it made me want to rip my eyes out “what are your skills? are you organized, adaptable, and good at communication? how do you think you can apply these skils :))) “ 

I started struggling to answer because I don’t have skills, all I’m good for is sitting around stuffing my face, not doing jackshit.he catches on and suggests that I go to an anxiety management group instead, that trying to do confidence building was “too much for me” and that it “requires a positive mindset”. like why do you think I’m here!!!!!? my self esteem is shit and you’re supposed to help me improve it! bullshit is it too much for me, it’s the only thing I’m doing! it’s a half hour session once a month! he said “I can tell you’re feeling this frustration intensely” so, wuh-oh, guess this was a scary BPD rage!

the fucking kicker is that, just like the psychotherapist who dumped me last year because he didn’t know what to do with me, at the end of the appointment guy said “I’m not kicking you out.” YES you fucking ARE. if you have to say it we already both know it’s true! I’d seen him for THREE APPOINTMENTS, I got upset ONCE, and already he doesn’t want anything to fucking do with me!!

this shit happens all the time, and I’ve never gotten a full course of help or therapy because of it. “I don’t think this is working, you need more help than I know how to do, try something else.” and I get passed around and around, nobody can help me, I’m not getting better even when I try to fucking apply what they say.

then in the anxiety management course, which was directly after my appointment with the guy, they went over the basics of anxiety. understanding what the physical responses to anxiety are, we did a meditation. the entire time I wanted to throw a chair at someone. 

the guy booted me out for this? I probably know more about anxiety than the course leaders do! I compulsively research about it thanks to my OCD!! THIS IS EXACTLY THE INFORMATION CBT FORCE FED ME AND IT DID NOT HELP ME. I HAVE LEARNED THIS. I KNOW IT OFF BY HEART WHY THE FUCK AM I BEING FORCED TO RELEARN STUFF THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR ME????

people say they want you to recover, but in order to do so you have to already be halfway there and do the hardest part by yourself.