#i swear to god i cant wait to finish chapter 3 but it's been a trudging journey okay!! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lumothespadesman · 3 years ago

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Reborn

Chapter 3

Here we are again! Thank yall sm for the support once more!! Im really happy people like this idea :]

I finished this at 5am, this is a cry for help <3

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As they made their way over to the library, Charlie began to devise a plan in his head.

He had to get out of here. Condi and Bizly are likely not heard of here, as Fundy didnt seem to recognize them. But then why is he known? Did he have a life here that he couldnt remember?

His mental rambling was cut short when Fundy put a hand on his shoulder. "Now listen here," he muttered. "Whatever you told me about not knowing anything, you cant tell all that to him. Hes been in a really bad place since you went missing." The fox calmly explained. "And thats why I want you to just,, please play along. It cant be that hard, can it?"

Charlie rubbed the back of his head, furrowing his brows at him. "But... you said I acted differently. If were gonna make this convincing, what the hell am I supposed to do?" He remembered something along the lines of him digging himself into a hole, but... hes sure that wasnt all of it.

Fundy let out a long, silent groan as he tried to think of something. "You.... uhhh,, you always called him Quackity from Las Nevadas. Yeah! Thats the key thing. You need to call him that."

The two men were now standing at the door. But before they could finish up their plan, the door opened.

"Fundy I swear to god, who the fuck did you invite h-" a raven-haired guy stepped out his eyes immediately widening in shock as he looked up from the book he was reading. Fundy let out a yelp of surprise. "Oh- Quackity! Uh.." his brown eyes drifted from a surprised Charlie to the frozen man infront of them.

Quackity dropped the book he was holding. "S.....Slime?" He breathlessly whispered. Charlie looked down at the book. "Well,, thats a reasonable reaction." He felt a jab in his arm from Fundy as he said that.

Not even waiting a second, the short stranger sprinted forward, and tackled the God with a hug. "Oh my fucking god...." Quackitys voice cracked. "Youre,, youre back! Youre actually back!"

Charlie remaimed still, blinking. The last time he was hugged... god, it felt ages ago. "Its-" He looked back at the fox, who was furiously nodding. "Its good to see you again, Quackity from uh... Las Nevadas!" He was all for being a good actor, but when Its to decieve someone.. his skills start to lack a bit in that aspect.

"Im- Im sorry for not being able to save you back then." Quackity let go, wiping away a tear from his functional eye. "Those days were a fucking torture on me. And when I saw what you left behind, I thought I'll never see you again.."

The latter struggled to respond, confused by the new info. "Its,, okay..? Im not dead!" He actually died? What the hell did he leave behind?

"Fundy, where'd you find him?" The man now turned to the fox, who had his arms crossed the entire time. "Oh!" He started wagging his tail. "Well I was going to the forest to fish and stuff yknow, and I guess he just found me! He recognized me, so I took him here, knowing how happy you will be." He explained it proudly.

However, Charlie was frowning as the explanation went on. Hes,, making up half of the story. He also left out how they actually met. Though looking back at Quackity, he formed a genuine-like smile. "Thank you so much, dude." He simply said, turning back to the God.

"Welcome home, Slime."

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After spending some time around Quackity, they were now carrying stuff to a restaurant apparently? He had no idea why. "Jesus, so many things have happened since you were gone!" The raven-haired man rambled. "I exiled Purpled from here because of what he did, I renovated some buildings and Im already making more! I've also built more gambling machines after a while, youre going to love them!"

Charlies expression got more and more tense as time went on. He didnt want to lie to this man, he wanted to tell him everything that Fundy didnt.

And so he did. "Quackity," he called, making the latter stop talking. He looked back at him, with slightly widened eyes. "...yeah?"

"I have to tell you something." He bluntly continued, adjusting his glasses. "Im... not who you think I am, actually." He settled the boxes down, since they arrived to the restaurant. "....what do you mean?" The smile still hasnt washed off Quackity, as he did the same thing.

"I mean that Im not,, I dont remember ever meeting you, or being here-" Charlie swung his arm around, to show what he means. "My memories come from a completely place and time."

The shorter man didnt look convinced. "Wha- haha, what are you saying? You were completely fine until now!" This response only frustrated the latter further. "I was acting! Fundy told me to. He fabricated the story of how he found me. We actually had an awkward mishap before he brought me here." He stepped closer, putting his hands together. "Please, believe me. Im not the Slime you know, and I need to find my friends." Charlie pleaded.

Quackitys smile slowly faded. ".....oooookay, I think you need to get some sleep after everything that happened today." He grabbed the Gods arm, alerting him. "What?! No, you have to believe me! Im not Slime!" He exclaimed, trying to break free of the others grasp.

"The immobile state you were in definitely fucked you up, Slime-"

Finally, Charlie wriggled out from the grip, and took a few steps back. "Dammit Quackity, Im not Slime!" He snapped, immediately realizing his tone and brought a hand to his mouth. When... was the last time he snapped like that? Was it when Grizzly made the pickaxe squeaky?

However, his gut said to keep going, so he did. "Im literally a GOD trapped inside my... my own body for some fucking reason?? Im just really confused, okay?!" The man said all that in one breath, letting out a big exhale afterwards. To this, Quackitys motherly demeanor cracked. "Wait... really?" He narrowed his eyes at Charlie.

He couldnt utter a word by the way he was staring at him, so he simply nodded. The shorter man looked back at the boxes, pushing it to a better spot. "Okay, hold on a minute. Hold here for just a fucking second." He muttered, rushing past Charlie. "I gotta talk to Fundy." The latter heard him add.

"Wait- wait, no! Dont tell Fundy anything about-.." he rapidly turned around, but to his dismay, Quackity already left the scene. "About,, all that...." he quietly finished his futile sentence.

Well shit, what was he gonna do now? He just revealed what he actually was to a guy he barely knows, and now Its gonna spread like wildfire! Charlie put his hands on his face, trying to not knock off his glasses, and let out a sigh. He looked back at the restaurant they stopped at. Perhaps he can chill out there for a bit?

The god made his way inside after putting the box he was carrying next to the other one. Unfortunately, he wasnt alone. Another figure sat right at the first table, pretty close to the door. "So, I heard your conversation." The stranger spoke.

"Wh- really..?" Charlie widened his eyes. "Yeah, the door was a bit open, didnt you notice?" The other guy replied. Its true, the door was slightly open when he came in.

"Thats besides the point though." The stranger spoke once more, standing up from the table. Wow, he was... actually taller than expected. "I know who you are," he pulled his shark hood down, turning around to face the latter.

"..Charlie Slimecicle, was it?"

#dreamsmp #dreamsmp writing #c!slimecicle #slimecicle #c!fundy #dsmp fundy #c!quackity #dsmp quackity #quackity #c!foolish #dsmp foolish #dsmp fanfic #slimecicle cinematic universe #scu!slimecicle #las nevadas

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brelione · 4 years ago

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Love and Hate (The Best Boys)

dude come on. you said you’d upload the next chapter on christmas and now it’s been a whole week after and it’s still not out. :(, hi! when are you posting the next chapter of tbb??, tbb????, Are you posting the next chapter of best boys soon? I miss her, when will you be posting the next part of the best boys series??, Ok I’m over TBB I’m just gonna say she ends up with Blah Blah and they live happily ever after, the end. Thank you for the amazing read, it has been fun❤️, TBB is literally the last series I have to finish before I can finally peace out of the shithole that is the OBX fandom for good but like no rush or anything baby❤️,When do you think you’ll be posting the last chapters of TBB?, Hey queen how’s the writing for best boys going,

Series Masterlist

SHES HEREEEE

Yes, im aware this chapter is all over the place. I went through writing four different versions of this chapter and this is the one that I decided to go with. I know that this one is kind of a little ahfioshviowenvionae but it all comes together next chapter (I already started writing the next chapter). Im so sorry that this is so late. I’ve been having issues for a little bit. My grandfather and my dog passed away and I recently had a relapse and I think that’s why it was taking me so long. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter <3

Warnings:Nothing really, swearing and unedited. Also im sorry if you dont like this chapter but like....yeah.

You were awoken to the sounds of screaming.Topper ended up at the foot of the bed, Kelce still clinging onto you.Rafe was absent from his spot but the mattress was still warm and had a slight dent which let you know that he hadnt been gone long.

You had spent most of the night trying to find the perfect spot on the mattress, one arm thrown over kelce and your heel against the back of Toppers thigh.It seemed like it hadnt been a super long time since the sun had risen which meant that it was probably around seven in the morning by now.

Your heart was thumping in your chest, trying to pay attention to what the voices were shouting.Something about a mess and irresponsibility but you couldnt hear much besides that.Rafe stomped up the stairs, opening his door.He was shirtless, face red from yelling and his eyes slightly watery.You sat up, making Kelce grumble.

Rafe’s jaw was slightly dropped, his nose beginning to run and his body trembling.“Hey, what happened?”You asked, gaining Kelce’s attention.Topper’s eyes opened slightly, looking over at Rafe.The tall boy didnt say anything, he just dragged his feet across the room and sat back on the bed, mumbling.You were hesitant to grip his hand, squeezing lightly.

He just stared at a wrinkle in the blanket but the sound of something breaking downstairs told you that it had been more than just bickering.Kelce was worried, knowing that his parents had gotten home late last night and would see the mess he had created. “He doesnt want me living here anymore.”Rafe spoke up, a few tears rolling down his cheeks.

You pulled him closer to you, arms around his shoulders as he sobbed, your fingers rubbing against the back of his neck.He squeezed you tightly when he head footsteps coming up the stairs, silently praying to any god that would listen that it wouldnt be Ward.Kelce’s phone kept buzzing but he ignored it, knowing exactly what it was.

He knew that it was coming and he would be lying if he said that he didnt expect it, nervous the whole night as he waited for his phone to blow up.“What are you gonna do?”Topper asked.As much as you wanted to scold him for asking that when Rafe clearly didnt want to talk about it it was still something that you had also been wondering.

Rafe didnt answer, taking in a deep, shaky breath that hurt his ribs before picking up his head and looking over to his friend. “I dont know.”He admitted.His voice hurt your heart, the realisation kicking in that there wasnt really many places that he could go.

Kelce’s phone buzzed again, all of your eyes falling on him.He sighed, glancing at his screen.He had missed calls from his parents, dozens of text in all caps telling him to come home immediately. “They found the door.”He replied, keeping his voice calm.A new wave of silence washed over the room, not knowing what to say to that.

Your eyes watered as you remembered how simple life was a few weeks ago, all of you eating breakfast, watching criminal minds and laughing as Topper recorded it all on his snapchat.Now everything was completely falling apart.You didnt say anything, trying to think of a solution.Rafe couldnt go to Kelce’s house or Topper’s house since Topper’s mother had one of those security cameras outside of her home and she’d recognize him immediately.

She was still pissy about Topper’s accident, she’d explode if he let friends over. “SO what happens now?”Topper asked.You were all out of ideas.A simple drive or icecream or a movie couldnt solve any of this. “I mean...think about it.We’re adults, right?Child protective services cant stop us if we leave.”Kelce muttered.Rafe nodded, snapping his fingers.

“Yeah, yeah!You’re right.”He agreed, causing your eyes to widen.They were acting insane. They couldnt be serious about just getting up and leaving forever, right? “No, no hes not.We cant just-we cant just leave!”You exclaimed.They were actually going crazy.How could they even think like that? “Why?What do you have here, (Y/N)?”He asked.You paused, thinking about it.

You didnt really have anything.You had your house of course but other than that you had nothing but memories and your boys.You didnt want to admit that he was right, letting out a quiet sigh. “But leaving forever isnt the answer.”You muttered.Rafe rubbed your back, shaking his head. “Doesnt have to be forever, baby.”He answered.

“But- but just cause we arent kids doesnt mean we cant be registered as missing people.They’ll come after us.”You told them.You knew that nobody outside of this room actually cared about you enough to report you as missing but you were scrambling through your thoughts, desperately hunting for a reason to stay on the shitty island that you had learned to love so much.Topper shrugged, not really caring.

“Guys, guys. Okay, look. You’re all fucked, ill admit it. But thats fine! Are you guys forgetting that I still have a house- you guys can just stay there until this whole thing blows over just like you always have!”You reminded them, hoping they’d agree. “This isnt gonna blow over, (Y/N). I cant come back here.”Rafe told you, becoming aggravated.

“THEN MOVE IN! All of you guys, you can just move in, okay? You dont have to leave- I still have my moms money! We’ll figure it out as we go and…. And it’ll be fine.”You insisted. “Move in with you?”Rafe asked. You nodded, wiping your nose. “You practically live with me already, it wont be that different.”You told him, gripping his hand.

It was a messy blur as Rafe packed his things, grabbing anything that he thought could be important. A photo of his mother, his birth certificate and diploma, laptop and ipad, the Frozen ll record. Kelce and Topper just watched, neither of them ready for anything like this so early in the morning.

Maybe if you werent so tired and upset you wouldnt have said it, but here you were in Rafe’s truck, a dufflebag full of his things at your feet with the boys in the backseat as he drove to your house, a few tears rolling down his cheeks as the thoughts finally took over his brain. Kelce had got aggravated and shut down his phone entirely, staring out the window.

The last thing you were expecting was to come down your road only to see a car that was practically falling apart already in your driveway, a tall man with his hands over his forehead as he tried to look in your windows. “What the fuck….”Rafe muttered, reaching for the door handle when you gripped his hand. “Dont, we dont know what he’s doing.”You told him, hoping he’d listen.

Turns out he wasnt the one you had to worry about, Kelce swinging his door open and sprinting up your driveway before anyone could even stop him. Wherever Kelce went Topper went, the boy struggling to get the seatbelt over his cast before jumping out of the truck and nearly falling into a puddle. “ESCUSE ME! MR SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING LOOKING IN MY HOUSE?”Kelce shouted, purposely making his voice deeper.

The man turned, confused as to why two half asleep teenage boys were walking towards him. “Your house?”The man asked. “Yes, sir. You ever heard of a gay couple before?”Topper asked, making Kelce break character for a moment.

“Well, no, its not that. Its just that I thought this was someone elses house.”The man muttered, confused. You had slid down your seat, hoping that the man wouldnt see you. “He’s about to leave.”Rafe whispered.

“Who’s the other guy in the car?”The man asked, pointing to Rafe’s figure. Kelce glanced over at Topper with wide eyes, trying to think. “Our son.”Kelce replied, cringing the moment he said it. The man only looked more confused, looking between the two boys. “How old are you guys?”The man asked, clearly not buying their story.

“Excuse me? Are you saying that we’re too old to have a son? I did not spend years training for a medical degreee to have some random old man come and tell us how old our son can be!”Topper exclaimed. “I didnt spend years trying to find a surrogate and figuring out a way to make a robot nanny for this!”He sighed, trying his best not to smile.

“Could you please leave the property before we call the police?”Kelce asked. The man was beyond confused at this point, quickly making his way to his shitty car before slowly backing out of the driveway, eyes still scanning the area before he gave up and went down the street.

You let out a sigh of relief, moving to get up when Rafe placed his hand on top of your head to keep you down. “Hes coming around again.”He whispered to you, taking in a shaky breath and holding it in his lungs as the car passed a second time. Topper and Kelce were standing by the door, staring at Rafe almost as telling him to get out and make a run for it.

“Open the door in 3...2…”You didnt wait, jumping out and running towards the house, typing in the key pad as quick as you could, Topper’s hand pushing you inside. “Here he comes again!”He exclaimed, coming in right behind you along with the others before Rafe slammed the door shut and locked it, letting out a laugh.

“Oh god, that was scary.”He chuckled. Kelce and Topper nodded as well, eventually laughing. “Was that my dad?”You asked. “Maybe.”Topper answered. Now that you thought about it, your dad didnt same important. Nothing did. You lived on a huge rock that’s floating around space and you’re concerned about your dad when your boyfriends best friends are moving in.

“What’d you tell him?”You asked. “We told him that we’re a gay couple, Topper’s a doctor and Rafe is our child.”Kelce replied. You giggled, snorting. “I mean, as you should.”You replied. “Hell yeah.”Kelce grinned. Topper tapped at his arm. “Bro, you wanna get married?”Topper asked. Kelce laughed again, nodding.

“I’ll get baptised and get you guys married!”Rafe volunteered, all of you turning to look at him. “Did you just say baptised?”Kelce asked. Rafe nodded, eyebrows furrowing. “Is that not the right word?”He asked. Topper shook his head. “The word is ordained.”He informed the tall boy. “He’s trying his best.”You replied, sitting down on the chair that you werent used to sitting in.

“You think he’s gonna come back?”You asked. Topper groaned, sitting down. “Well, I hope not. I dont want my husband and I to have to fight him.”He grinned. You rolled your eyes, changing positions in the chair. “Did he look like me?”You asked, leaning your head against the arm rest, groaning when Rafe pushed your legs aside and sat down with you.

“Not really… he had rat tails for eyebrows.”Kelce replied, putting his fingers over his eyebrows. “Do I have rat tail eyebrows?”You asked, grinning when Rafe reached forward and poked your eyebrow, a chuckle slipping past his lips. “You wish.”He replied. “Fuck off.”You answered. “Dont be fucking rude.”He grinned, kissing you quickly before pulling away with a small smile.

You were shocked, trying to hide your surprise. It wasnt like you werent used to kissing Rafe by now, it was just that he had never done it in front of the boys before. They looked nearly as confused as you, the thought of Rafe kissing you in front of them never even being a concern until now. They were used to him getting most of your love and attention but that had just stirred something within them.

“So how are we gonna do this? I dont know about you guys but im not going back to my house anytime soon.”Kelce announced. Rafe lifted his head, looking over to the boy. “You could always sneak in your own window to grab your things...maybe wait until theyre at work. What about you, Top?”Rafe asked, turning his attention to the blonde boy.

“What do I have at my house that I need? Like, really need.”He asked, grinning when none of you could answer. “Problem solved.”He replied. “What time is it?”Rafe asked, breaking the silence. “Ten.”Kelce replied, closing his eyes as he leaned against the couch. “Im going upstairs to take a nap then.”Topper yawned, slowly making his way down the hall into the first floor guest room.

It was arguably the worst since it also worked as your moms office, a queen bed pushed into the corner. You wiggled out of Rafe’s grip, smiling when he whined. You went into the kitchen, grabbing a poptart. For the situation you felt rather calm, opening the silver package and taking a bite of one of the sweet pastries.

The energy in the house felt different than it had yesterday. You werent sure why, maybe it was just the comfort of knowing that the boys were going to be living with you now and you wouldnt have to worry as much about Rafe or Topper’s relationship with his mom.

“So how are we gonna handle this?”Kelce asked, confusing you. “The house, I mean. You have this whole house and like...30 million dollars. We can literally redecorate however we want, maybe even clean out your moms office if youre okay with it.”He suggested.

You nodded, the idea of getting the memory of your mother cleansed from your life sounded appealing. His excitement took over as he opened his amazon prime app, looking for new decor. “How do you feel about your moms room?”He asked, not wanting to push your limits. You shrugged, swallowing part of the pastry. “Shes not using it.”You replied, surprised by how morbid you sounded.

He simply nodded, shifting in his seat as he added things to his cart. “Can we redo your room? It’s been the same color since we were fourteen.”Rafe suggested. You shrugged, not really caring. You didnt spend a large amount of time in your bedroom anyways. You scrolled through your phone for a few minutes, seeing a little red bubble next to your messaging app that let you know that you had gotten a text. Curious, you opened it.

As soon as you saw who it was a pit grew in your stomach, eyes widening. It was her. “Sweet words, (Y/N).”The text read. You knew that it was your uncle just trying to mess with you but it still caused your anxiety to skyrocket, deciding to block the number and place your phone between your thighs, taking in a deep breath through your nose.

Topper dragged his feet, coming out of the room with a frown. “That’s the most uncomfortable bed in all of history.”He muttered, sitting down on the couch instead. “You can go upstairs.’You reminded him, feeling your phone buzz against your inner thigh.

He just hummed, leaning his head against the back of the couch. “How long was I in there?”He asked. “Literally not even ten minutes.”Kelce replied, still scrolling. “Did I miss anything?”Topper asked. You didnt reply, breaking off another piece of the poptart. “We’re gonna redecorate the house.”Kelce answered. Topper nodded, lifting his head.

“Does that mean that office too?”Topper asked. You nodded, staring at a spot on your carpet. “Does that mean we get to open the file cabinet in the guest room?”He asked, all of you looking over at him. The thought made you feel nauseous. Even if she wasnt here to yell at you you knew that opening the file cabinet would still scare you anyways.

“If theres a dead body in there I swear to god-”You muttered, earning a chuckle from Rafe. “A body couldnt fit in there.”he replied, making your eyebrows furrow. “How do you know where bodies can fit?”You asked. “No, no. Like, its not….well...maybe a raccoon body.”He admitted. “Rafe!”You exclaimed, smacking his thigh.

He rolled his eyes, pulling you into his lap. “There’s no raccoon body.”He answered. “I think theres a raccoon body.”Kelce replied. “Theres not.”You answered. Topper grinned, skipping into the room and beginning to open the cabinet, the three of you following him. “Okay, who votes raccoon body?”He asked, his hand on the knob.

Kelce raised his hand, grabbing your arm to make you hold your hand up as well. “Ready?”Topper asked before pulling the door open, looking into it. His face fell immediately, not expecting this. “What?”You asked, stepping past Kelce and looking into the cabinet.Guns were being held by small metal pieces, multiple clear bags full of plants and needles on the floor, bullets on sashes hanging with the guns.

The two of you just stared, ignoring Rafe and Kelce until they came up behind you, equally as confused. “What the fuck?”Rafe asked, seeing the bags. Kelce slammed the doors shut, locking it. “We’re not telling anyone about this, right?”He asked, looking at all of you. “What are we gonna do with all that? We cant just keep it here!”Topper argued.

Rafe shrugged, resting his elbow on your shoulder. “We smoke the weed and throw the guns in the river, obviously.”Rafe answered. “We’re not smoking weed, Rafe.”You answered. “Well your mom didnt have a liscense to carry, right?”Kelce asked. You shook your head, figuring it would be hung up somewhere in the house to remind you of the power she had.

“Right, okay. So we cant call the cops and we cant keep it here.”Kelce answered, clicking the lock on the cabinet. “What’d your mom even do for a living?”Topper asked. You frowned, thinking back. You never really knew what your mother did, you just stayed quiet and hoped you wouldnt make her angry. She’d disappear for months, money would appear in your bank account, she’d pay the bills aned thats all you needed to know.

She’d have long phone calls with people in her office, grounding you if you even dared to listen. “I dont know.”You replied, cringing at how stupid you sounded. “She has these cabinets all over the house, doesnt she?”Kelce asked. “The one in her room is actual files.”You told him, hoping that there were no sorts of hidden things in her room.

“Should we go check?” Rafe asked, out of the room with a grin before any of you could even answer. You sighed, slightly annoyed that he was treating this like a scavenger hunt. “Its been here this whole time, im sure nothings gonna happen.”Kelce assured you, patting you on the shoulder before his fingers tickled your arm and wrist, gripping your hand and bringing you upstairs.

“I ordered some tapestries, succulents, fake vines and some new blankets for our new movie room.”He told you, nearly slipping up. “Movie room?”You asked, nearly slipping on the stairs. “Your mom has a big tv, I figured it could be like a second living room if you’re comfortable with that.”He answered, pausing at the top of the stairs so he could wait for you.

Rafe was in your mother’s room, carefully pulling on the drawers, eventually finding out that the top one was locked. He looked over at you, silently asking if you knew where the key was. You shook your head, letting go of Kelce’s hand and opening the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet, the hairs on the back of your neck standing up.

Your mother kept most of your medical documents and anything like that to herself along with basically everything that proved you existed. Baby photos, ultra sounds, old school tests. “We could just move it into the other guest room.”Rafe muttered, hoping he wasnt making you upset. You ignored him, looking through all the little colored tags, your eyes falling on a silver tag, your eyebrows furrowing. No other ones had that color.

You picked it up, sitting down and reading it over. The words were all bundled together, ink scratches and smudges told you that it wasnt a serious document. The only word you could make out was ‘arsonist’. Nothing else was eligible. “Can we take it right now?”You asked, placing the paper on the floor and closing the drawer. Rafe nodded, Kelce grabbing one side while Rafe grabbed the other. Topper grinned, leaning against your mothers unused desk.

“I would help but my arms broken.”he laughed, watching as Kelce struggled, walking backwards. “Some moral support would be great.”Kelce rolled his eyes. You grinned, slowly clapping. “Great job, guys. You’re doing great moving that illegal file cabinet.”You held back a laugh. They turned carefully, shuffling as they eventually got to the guest bedroom.

“How do you feel about this?”Topper asked, sitting down on the chair. You sighed, shrugging. “I mean, you know. Its not that I dont love the idea of you guys being here but like… its the circumstances.”You answered, sighing when he pulled you closer with his good arm, rubbing your back. “Thanks a lot for this, though. Like in all seriousness im really grateful that you’re in my life.”He blushed, looking up at you. You smiled, kissing his nose lightly.

“I mean, I do provide you with half of the drama in your life.”You giggled, kissing him gently. “Where does the other half come from?”He asked. You shrugged, sighing. “Probably you.”You answered. “I cant believe you’d say that to me! You know im at a bad place in life and you put me in this terrible situation when you know that!”He fake cried, bursting into laughter.

“Kourtney dont laugh at me!”You exclaimed. You felt a vibration under your feet, hearing a loud, dramatic sigh and the sound of skin colliding. They had successfully moved the file cabinet, the door closing as their loud footsteps hit the floor as they entered your mother’s room again. Rafe took a moment to look around, sometimes forgetting that the room even existed.

It was the biggest room in the house, the ceiling going up at least twenty feet with only glass separating the room from the outside world. His mind wandered, thinking of all the fun nights the two of you could have in here watching the stars or listening to the rain.

The bed was large and still, the blankets and sheets unwrinkled and untouched. He understood why you were creeped out by the house now, feeling like he didnt belong in the room. You all took turns trying to figure out what the writing said, eventually deciding that it probably wasnt even in english. “Should we put it through google translate?”Rafe asked, staring at the paper.

Kelce shook his head. “Nah, its not reliable. I tried using it for spanish class in freshman year and I got detention.”He replied. “Well thats definitely not spanish. Maybe its like…. Ancient text.”Topper suggested, causing you to frown. “I highly doubt that my mother would know an ancient text.

Maybe we should just leave it.”You answered. Although you werent exactly satisfied with it you just didnt feel like spending your time trying to decode a random paper. They didnt seem satisfied either but didnt want to push you, putting the paper down on the desk where it would be safe from your footsteps.

Of course the boys just couldnt stay at the same place for long periods of time, deciding to suggest that you guys go out to a store to get some paint for the boring walls. You agreed, the four of you getting into your car instead of Rafe’s truck, locking all the doors and windows before you left.

Kelce didnt suggest a McDonalds run which caused you to frown, knowing that he was probably too stressed to want to eat. You guys went into Walmart with one goal, heading right for the paint section and looking at the wall of colors. “Lets get four colors and kind of just make it up as we go.”Kelce muttered, looking at all the different shades.

“We could all pick one out.”Topper suggested, reaching forward and picking a bright green. You agreed, picking a shade of light purple, watching as Kelce picked the color toffee biscuits and Rafe went for cotton blue. You doubted any of the colors would actually look good together but that wasnt the point of the project.

It was more about making the room look fun rather than nice. Kelce grabbed a few large paint brushes, the four of you leaving before you could get distracted by anything that you didnt need. Topper decided to get right to work, spilling some paint on the floor as he dragged the brush along the wall, creating bright stripes.

“I have an artistic vision! Trust the process!”He exclaimed, feeling your judgemental eyes on him. You didnt say anything, watching Kelce struggle to connect his phone to your speaker, playing the first song on his playlist.

Line without a hook. Topper looked over at you, almost like he was silently asking you if you had told the boys about his top secret playlist. You shrugged, not wanting to give anything away to the others.

“Oh my god, I love this song.”Rafe dunked his brush in the light blue, making a smiley face on the wall. “Can I paint an onion?”He asked. You raised your eyebrows, not understanding why he wanted to put an onion on the wall.

“Ogres are like onions! We have layers!”Kelce laughed. “Who is we? Are you an ogre, Kelce?”Topper asked, not taking his eyes off of the bright stripes, painting a circle on the top. “Topper Harry Katherine Thornton, are you painting a penis on my wall?”You asked, connecting the dots.

He grinned, ignoring you. “Of course not.”He replied, painting frantically so that you couldnt stop him, green drops rolling down the wall. You picked up your paint brush, painting two circles quicklly before pushing the brush into the center of each, laughing to yourself.

“Guys, really?”Rafe asked. “Cant we make the wall wholesome?”He asked. You shook your head, a smile on your face. “Says you of all people, Rafe.”You shook your head. “She got you there.”Topper replied, dragging the brush across the painting and blending it out so there was no longer a penis on your wall.

“What are you doing now?”You asked, wanting to one up him. “What are you doing now?” He mocked you. Somehow you ended up splashing Topper with paint and getting tackled into the mattress as he held the paintbrush over you, trying to get the bright green liquid on your face while you held his arm back.

“Im gonna murder you!”You laughed, rolling over under him so your face was against the mattress. “Im gonna paint your hair!”He laughed, holding the brush just above it. “Topper, dont mess with her hair.”Kelce took the brush away.

Topper groaned, falling next to you on the mattress. His eyes were closed, the sun from the window casting a beautiful glow over his face, a small smile tugging at the side of his mouth. You pressed a kiss to his cheekbone, your arm resting on his torso.

It didnt take long for painting to be forgotten, a few cheap bristles sticking to the wall with messes of colorful lines and unfilled shapes. The song changed, followed by a loud gasp from Rafe. “This is my favorite song!”He smiled, hitting his knees with his fists repeatedly.

He didnt know what about it made him so happy, whenever he heard it it reminded him of you guys. “You know what we should do?”Topper asked. “No.”Kelce replied while Rafe rewinded the song to listen to his favorite part again.

“We should make soup. Like, spicy soup with potatoes.”He replied, mouth watering. “We could just order soup.”Kelce replied, not in the mood to go downstairs and hunt for ingredients. “Order soup from where?”Topper asked. Kelce simply shrugged, shifting around and putting his arms under his body.

That had been a week ago. Since then a lot had happened. You guys had developed a system, Kelce could do his laundry on Saturdays, Rafe on Mondays and Topper’s just got mixed in with yours.

It was a love and hate relationship to have them there with you. You didnt regret your decision but sometimes things would get difficult. Grocery shopping was the worst since nobody could decide what they wanted and you had all agreed not to eat out as much.

“We need an actual meal, we cant just eat chips for everything.”Topper would grumble, realising he didnt even really know how to cook. That just lead to late flights of searching for recipes o pinterest and watching Gordon Ramsey tiktoks until they decided to try and make bake and shake chicken. That didnt really work out well, having to open all of your windows and get the smoke out of your house.

Then you guys decided to take a new approach, finding a ton of frozen pizzas and ingredients for sushi. Kelce was the only one who had any idea of what he was doing since he had always been talented in the kitchen, specifically with breakfast. That became more of a safe meal for you guys, making extra food in the morning to eat later for dinner until you got sick of toast, eggs and bacon.

Kelce ended up banishing you all to the pool so that he could decorate properly, vines hanging from the door ways and landscape tapestries hanging in your living room, hallway and your mother’s old bedroom. “How long do you think he’s gonna be?”You asked, floating on your back in the shallow end, letting out a yelp when Topper grabbed you and dragged you to the deep end.

“I dont know, probably like three days.”He replied, finally letting go once you were in the middle of the pool. “We could survive three days in the pool.”You replied, watching Rafe shake his head. “With my allergy to the sun?”He asked, making you turn over, going underwater for a moment. “You dont even sunburn.”You told him, splashing water in his direction before swimming away quickly so that he couldnt get back at you.

Kelce kept getting calls from his parents that were asking him to come home but he never did. They knew where he was, if they wanted him back so badly they’d drive over and take him away. “Guys, i’ve finished my creation.”Kelce announced, coming outside. “So we can come in now?”Topper asked, gripping the ledge of the pool and pulling himself out, falling onto his stomach as he struggled to get up.

“Yes, you can come in now! Hurry!”Kelce yelled excitedly before going back inside, waiting impatiently for you guys to hurry. Rafe helped you out of the pool, tossing you your towel so that you wouldnt trail water through your house. “Guys! Come on!”Kelce shouted again, the three of you walking across the hot pavement quickly.

“I’ll clean up the water after- just come see what I did!”He said again. You rolled your eyes, walking into the house. Goosebumps formed on y0our skin from the cool air, eyes widening as you looked at the kitchen. He had bought a plaid tablecloth for the table, vines hanging from the ceiling and doorways, a tie dye tapestry hanging in your living room. It looked like he had taken the time to wipe down every surface and vacuum any mess of broken spaghetti or eggshells that had been kicked under the fridge.

“Do you like it?”He asked, unable to read your shocked expression. “Kelce, im gonna be honest with you. I feel like im in pixie hollow right now.”You grinned, making him smile. “I think thats a good thing- but upstairs is better!’He exclaimed before making his way up the stairs. He was right.

There were marble heart shaped tiles hanging on the walls of the hall, a sign on the new hangout spot that was made out of drift wood. He opened the door, revealing bean bag chairs on the floor, a new carpet, a light yellow canopy hanging over the bed that had all new sheets and blankets on it as well.

He had even somehow managed to fix the paint on the wall so that there were different colored polka dots all over it. The boys seemed equally impressed, still taking it in. You hugged Kelce, not even caring that you’d get his clothes wet. “So I did good?” He asked, hugging you back. “You always do good.”You replied, feeling him hug you tighter.

“So you’re happy?”He asked, letting out a small sigh when you nodded. “I am happy, Kelce.”you replied, kissing him lightly. He smiled against you, taking in a deep breath. “I found a new recipe for fancy grilled cheese.”He told you, kissing your forehead. This was something that you loved about having them live with you.

@sweetlittlegingy @nicolefarley603 @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch @newsies-yeet @butgilinsky @jjjmaybank @gracelovesbroadway @one-stella @spn-marvel-nerd @lovelyelinor @chinamolina602 @sexytholland @28cnn @popcrone818 @fttayla @cherryobx @n1ghtsh4d3-67 @drewstarkeyobx @poguestyleskye @judayyyw @jjtheangel @jj-iz-bae@sunwardsss @meaganjm @sarcasticsagittarius1998 @natalie-kate-98 @nxsmss @broken-jj @joshy-obx @classygirlything @annmariek8 @stupidpendeja @killjoyybsinner @pink-meringues @outerbongs @copper-boom @httpstarkey @teenwaywardasgardian @simonsbluee @deionswannabegirl @jiaraendgame @khiaraaa-in-spacee @on-socks-off @abbiesthings @kindahavefeelingskindaheartless @dmonchld@annmariek8 @harryswigss @ibookofstars @lostaurorax @cheshirecat107

#topper x reader #topper thorton x reader #topper thorton imagine #topper thorton smut #topper thornton fluff #rafe cameron x you #rafe cameron imagine #rafe cameron smut #rafe cameron headcanon #kelce smith #kelce imagine #kelce x reader #kelce outer banks #the best boys

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lunarmessenger · 4 years ago

Note

hi!! i wonder if i could request a one shot angst with saeyoung. so mc have a huge anxiety and she always closed up everything even after she's with saeyoung. one day when saeyoung snapped at her out of stress, she end up missing for like around two weeks without any traces even saeran cant help saeyoung to find her

after searching for the whole times they end up finding out that mc got in accident and still in the hospital because her injuries was so bad and actually someone from rfa (u can choose who) try to hide this from saeyoung because mc told them everything

i know its quite hard im sorry 😭

ohohohoho anon you give me too much power for requesting an angsty prompt. i hope you enjoy, thank you so much for this request! I will have to split it into quite a few parts because otherwise...it’ll be much too long haha ^^;; - luna xx

p.s. sorry requests are taking so long!! the holidays have been insane, but i promise after christmas and new years i’ll go back to posting regularly!

warnings: graphic depictions of major injuries, mentions of hospitals, and mentions of mental illness.

word count: 1.9k

(pt. 2) (pt. 3) (pt. 4)

Hard Regrets (Pt. 1) - 707 x MC

Her nimble fingers switched on the heater as a cold chill ran through the house, hands reaching up to the small blanket she’d thrown over her shoulders. The soft patters of rain thumped against the roof of the apartment, the only sound competing with the rain being the soft clicks coming from Saeyoung’s computer and the flicker of paper as Saeran read through one of his many books.

She smiled fondly as Saeran’s eyes danced across each page, filling his mind with the story as he burrowed deeper into the couch. That smile faded as her eyes slowly switched to his brother, her boyfriend, the man hunched roughly over his desk as he typed furiously. Empty cans of soda and crinkled bags of honey buddha chips littered both his desk and his floor, causing her to sigh as she walked over to help clean up.

This project had ended up being one of his longer ones, tomorrow making it about two months since he was assigned the task by Jumin. She was used to seeing Jumin overwork Jaehee, but now that it was affecting Saeyoung the way it was...it made her anxious. Of course his exhaustion worried her, but he became much more irritable when he became fixated on an important project.

Within the past month he’d grown incredibly distant so that he wouldn’t have any sort of distractions, and that meant that she didn’t get to spend time with him as often as she wanted to. The last time she’d reached out to him he had glared at her, telling her that while yes, he loves you, he needed to finish this project.

“No distractions, MC.” She whispered softly under her breath, a reminder he himself had given her the last time she interrupted. All she’d wanted from him was a hug. She slowly approached, bare feet softly tapping against the wooden floors as she made her way over. She was a couple of feet away from him, stopping as she hesitated. Maybe coming up with some sort of excuse would help guide him away from his computer? It wouldn’t be seen as a distraction since it wasn’t selfish; more like a welfare check?

“Are you boys up for some tea?” Saeyoung didn’t move an inch, mumbling a rough no as he continued to type and click across the screen. She visibly deflated, the bags under her eyes from lack of sleep growing heavier from his rejection. He hadn’t even been sleeping in their bed lately; he would sleep right there, on that god damned desk of his. She was snapped out of her rejection at the sound of the couch cushions moving; Saeran gave a small smile as he book marked his page, placing the book on the coffee table as he stood.

“I would love some, MC. In fact, I’ll help you make it. Come on...” The soft tone of his voice was a nice contrast in comparison to the rough rudeness of Saeyoung, the weight on her chest slightly lifting as she walked with him into the kitchen. Saeran grabbed the tea leaves while MC weakly grabbed three glass mugs; despite Saeyoung saying he didn’t want any. She readied the kettle, pressing the on button and watching as the blue light illuminated the dim kitchen and the water slowly started to come to a boil.

“MC...I’m sorry that Saeyoung is...the way he is.” The sudden apology from Saeran made her eyes widen as she turned to look at him, parts of her long hair falling into her face as she cleared her throat.

“What? Oh, no I mean...I guess...” She tried to think of an excuse for him, tried to come up with reasons on why it didn’t bother her that he got so invested that he not only forgot about her and Saeran, but forgot to take care of himself. Her eyes grew hot with tears for a split second as she shook her head.

“I just, I don’t know what to do. I can’t be honest with him about anything, because the last time I tried he...” She started to visibly shake, the only thing keeping her together being the sudden tap of the kettle signaling the water was ready. When she’d interrupted him before he almost flipped the chair because he was so angry; her distraction had caused him to mistype due to ruining his focus; according to him.

The only people who knew how he was making her feel was Saeran and Zen; the thought of the two men’s kindness towards her when Saeyoung was the way he was when he was writing made a soft smile grace her exhausted face once again. Though she hated to admit it, sometimes she wondered why she had not moved on to either Saeran or Zen. Both men would treat her the way she deserved, and she knew that, really she did.

But Saeyoung...she just loved him so much.

The way he was when they first met; how he had tried so hard to push her away and he just couldn’t. Because he didn’t want to. She didn’t want him to either, and she stayed because she knew that he loved her. Something in him changed, she can’t really remember when it happened; it just did. When he got a new project it was like MC didn’t exist; and he acted like he didn’t treat her that way when it was finished. No matter how much she hated it, no matter how much it made her cry; she just couldn’t leave.

All because she loved him.

“MC...? Should we take these to the couch? Maybe I can read you a couple of chapters?” She was snapped back to attention by Saeran, giving a slight nod as he took two mugs and she carried the last one. The sweet smell of honey and chamomile filled her nose as she slowly walked over to Saeyoung’s desk, his body still in the same position she had left him.

“Saeyoung...” Her voice was soft as she tried not to startle him, her anxiety slowly building with the tension as Saeran noticed what she was doing.

“Wait, MC; maybe we should just leave the tea over here?” She paused furrowing her brows as she tilted her head and slightly turned towards him.

“Then how is he supposed to know we at least made him a cup?”

“MC—” She turned back around to continue walking when her foot caught on one of the empty cans, causing her to lose her balance as she let out a gasp.

“MC!” She tried to redirect the cup as it flew out of her hands, the hot tea splattering all over Saeyoung’s desk and computer. Her heart sank in her stomach as Saeran was instantly at her side, Saeyoung leaping from the hot temperature and the sparks that flew around his desktop as he yelled.

“Are you...are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?!” His voice boomed throughout the apartment as he turned towards her, golden eyes filled with rage as he loomed over her. He was so angry that he hadn’t realized her hand was red from being burned; she’d managed to get most of the tea spilt on her in an attempt to salvage his tea.

“Oh, MC...oh God you’re burned; we need to get you to a hospital.” Saeran helped her up but Saeyoung was quick to push them apart, getting in her face as he pointed at his desktop.

“Do you know how long it took me to figure that out, MC?! You’re so fucking lucky that I had a back up running at the same time because I swear to God...” His voice was low, teeth clenched and nose scrunched as he angrily glared at her. Saeran grabbed him by the hood, yanking him away from MC as she shook from his outburst. He has never physically grabbed her and yelled at her the way he just did.

She watched as the two brothers went head to head, noses almost touching as they screamed back and forth. It became too much for her as she got up, trying not to catch their attention as she slid on her shoes and slowly opened the door. The rain had started to come down harder, the wind howling as her loose bun instantly came undone and wildly blew her hair around her face.

She almost, almost second guessed her decision until the sound of glass breaking caught her attention, the mug of tea that was supposed to be hers now smashed in pieces by one of the walls. Saeyoung’s chest was heaving while Saeran got up from a squatted position; almost as if he’d dodged whatever Saeyoung threw.

Those pieces mirrored her heart; that mug was one that Saeyoung had bought her when they had first started going out. A picture of a cat had been printed on it, the cat making a winking face as the phrase I meow you! cradled the toon cat. It was one of her many prized possessions, and he had smashed it like it meant nothing to him.

That finalized her decision.

“What, Saeran? Stay out of this!”

“Are you so damn selfish that you haven’t realized that your girlfriend has burned half of her body to try and save your desktop? We need to get her to a hospital! Now!” He quickly turned to where she was squatting down by the wall, pausing when he realized that she wasn’t there anymore.

“MC...?” Saeran’s brows furrowed as he walked down the hall, leaving Saeyoung to cool off as he looked back towards his computer. The monitor screens were black as the tea slowly seeped into his keyboard and monitors. The more anger that left his body the more he’d realized what he’d done, his body slowly going into shock as he stared at the broken mug on the ground. The pink heart was in pieces, the larger part covered in brown tea as Saeran’s voice slowly became white noise in the background.

What had he done?

This entire time he’d been an absolute shit to his girlfriend; the one person who had supported him from day one. He slowly shuffled over to the broken pieces, socks growing wet from the spilled tea as he picked up the pieces.

“What have I done...?”

“Saeyoung! Saeyoung she’s gone!” He slowly blinked, not even bothering to adjust his glasses and messy red hair in tussles as he put down the glass and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“What?”

“She’s gone! Her phone is on the coffee table, and she didn’t take her bag! Saeyoung we have to find her; there’s a storm outside and she’s by herself!” Saeran was rushing to put on his coat and grab an umbrella, his boots clunking against the floors as he grabbed Saeyoung’s shoulders.

“Saeyoung, if you love her, you need to get off your ass now and help me find her. Now!” He slapped his dumbfounded brother, forcing him on to his feet and throwing a coat at him as he grabbed one of the many car keys hanging from the key shelf. Reality sank in as he threw on his sneakers, grabbing a beanie from the coat rack and tossing it on. He felt his stomach churn as his hand brushed against her coat and scarf, grabbing the scarf she always wore and wrapping it around his neck.

We have to find her, we have to find her.

I have to find her.

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leafs-lover · 4 years ago

Text

Because Two People Got Drunk: 13

Series Masterlist

A/N: Italics indicate flashback. I looked into dual citizenship and apparently they only allow it if the parents are married or the mother is Danish. Seems pretty ridiculous to me.

Summary: You and Fred return from the trip and your relationship has forever changed. Oliver takes his first trip to Denmark and you visit your grandparents for the first time since giving birth.

Warnings: Swearing, angst, a little heart break

Word Count: 6441

Chapter 13

March 19, 2022

“Geez" you say jumping up “you scared me.”

“Sorry, he was fussing so I tried to get him without waking you" Fred says as he walks out of the room. You look at the clock 5:06am. You walk out and see Fred heating up a bottle while holding Oliver in one hand.

“You have a game tonight; you want me to do this?” You say groggily.

“No, I’m up anyways" he says sitting on the couch to feed Oliver.

You grab a drink of water before heading off to the bathroom. You return to your room and doze off, barely hearing Fred when he returns Oliver to the bassinet.

You wake up a few hours later and pick Oliver up bringing him to the living room. You see Fred getting ready to leave for practice “you guys still coming to the game tonight?” he asks.

“Yeah of course we’ll be there” you reply. “Okay, tickets are on the fridge" he says leaning down and strokes Oliver’s head and gives him a kiss on the forehead before leaving.

You walk back to the kitchen “still ice cold” you mumble.

Later that night you dress Oliver in his Andersen jersey, while you wear dark washed jeans, with a long white cashmere sweater and a penguins toque, your hair curled. You bring the stroller this time making the trek from the garage much easier. As you walk in the woman are excited to greet you, but mostly to see Oliver not that you can blame them.

“It’s been so long Ollie boy" Christina exclaims as she scoops him up immediately.

“Yeah it has been a while” Kathy says pulling you in for a hug.

“Yeah things with Fred have been…tense.” You explain.

Kathy drags you to the bar and pours some wine “what happened? Last I saw you was after you came back from your trip and things didn’t seem good then.”

“I mean I don’t think he is as mad as he was then, or that he hates me anymore” you start.

“I don’t think he ever hated you. I mean he never talked about it, but he seemed upset not angry.”

“So the second night away we got drunk and were talking and laughing. Everything was going good and then we hooked up. And the next morning I woke up to him in bed beside me. I was wearing his shirt and I panicked.”

You wake up at 7:00 and Fred is still asleep, his arm is draped over your stomach as you lay there in his shirt. He is on his stomach, his hair splayed across the pillow.

What did we do? What about Ollie? How could we have done that? Millions of thoughts begin to run through your head. You lift his arm and head to the bathroom and wash your face attempting to calm yourself down before you decide to jump in the shower.

When you wake up Fred is gone and you smell coffee. You put on some leggings and a sweater and head to the kitchen and sit down at the island.

“Most people on vacation sleep in" he jokes passing you a coffee. You laugh lightly taking a drink as Fred sits beside you.” want to talk about last night?” he questions.

“Yeah we probably should" you respond.

“So it was -" before he can finish you cut him off “a mistake. It was a mistake” you say.

“We have a good thing going, and we wouldn’t want to complicate it” you further explain. Fred shifts to sit up straight.

“Yeah…I was going to say the same thing" he says lightly.

“Good. I’m glad we both feel this way.”

“Yeah. No, you know what? No I don’t feel that way. I don’t regret it. I don’t think it was a mistake.”

“Fred. I…we…I’m sorry.”

“No it’s fine. I’m going to pack we leave in an hour.”

“Oh my god I cant believe that happened" Kathy says.

“Yeah he hasn’t really forgiven me, or talked to me much. Unless it’s about Oliver he doesn’t talk to me, I feel like I’m on eggshells.”

“So do you regret it?”

“I don’t know, yes and no. Like I don’t want to complicate things for Ollie. It’s such a weird situation. I would love it if it worked out, but if it didn’t it could really complicate things.”

“How is trying with him different than dating someone else and it not working?”

“If I date Fred for a year and it doesn’t work and things get bad after the breakup it can affect our abilities to co-parent together. If I meet someone else and date them for a year and it doesn’t work out, it sucks and Oliver still feels that loss, but it’s not going to impact his life every day. Like I never have to see them again where I always have to see Fred.” You say as she nods “this whole situation is making living there so uncomfortable. I thought it would get better, that we would move past this but it hasn’t. I am looking at apartments now.”

“You’re thinking of leaving?”

“I think I have to. When I agreed to come we said we would address the living situation down the line if needed. I think we’re at that point now. It will be better for us to get some space and not be around each other all the time. I mean a year from now I’ll be back in Toronto working so it’s probably better for Oliver.”

You watch the rest of the game and the penguins lose 3-1. You bring Oliver down to the waiting area while waiting on Fred after the game.

He walks out and sees you, and pulls you in for a quick side hug “good game" you say. He doesn’t respond but instead grabs the stroller and leading you to the car.

The following morning you wake up around 7am with Oliver. After feeding him you make breakfast when you hear Fred walk into the kitchen.

“Morning" he mumbles, his hair disheveled from sleep. He pours a cup of coffee before picking Oliver up and cuddling him while drinking it.

“Breakfast will be ready in about 10 -" you start to say before Fred cuts you off “I’m just going to eat at the rink" he says before getting up and sitting on the couch with Oliver for some morning playtime.

The rest of your interactions for the next week are very short and awkward. You are beginning to feel like staying is going to hurt your relationship more, when he is on his next road trip you facetime Allie.

“I feel like being here is hurting us more than me being here. I feel like I’m only here because it’s convenient not because it makes sense.”

“You have to think about what’s best for Oliver, but it’s not like you guys are screaming and fighting. Maybe it can get better" Allie says.

“No were not even talking. I feel like we went through a break up, it obviously wasn’t because we weren’t dating but just because of the history it felt like that. In a normal relationship if you live together and break up one of you moves out.”

“If that’s what you think is best for him than that’s what you have to do. As long as his parents love him I think that’s what important. But you want to try and have the best relationship with Fred. You don’t think this can be salvaged? Like you can’t get back to a friendship or whatever you had before that night?”

“I don’t know, maybe with time. But I think if we don’t see each other every day it could help. Space apart might help us heal.”

There is a pause on the call “why did you walk away from him? I hear the way you talk about him, it seems like more than you let on.”

“I don’t know. I think I did have feelings or I still do but was scared to admit them I case I lost everything. But I honestly don’t know. I can’t tell you right now I want to be with him.”

You continue talking with your friend for a little while later until Oliver wakes up from a nap. Fred is on a 5 game road trip and he barely checks in with you. He sends you occasional messages asking about Oliver and you send him pictures or video’s but he doesn’t call or facetime.

When he returns it is after his last game around 3am. You are awake on the couch feeding Oliver when he walks in. He sits on the other side of the couch “ thought he was done with the multiple wake up calls throughout the night" Fred says.

“Yeah he didn’t eat a lot and had a bit of a fever yesterday. The fever is gone so I think he’s feeling better but now he is hungry” you explain “want him?”

Fred comes over and picks him up from your arms and sits down continuing to feed him. “Missed you little man" he says. You wander off to bed leaving the boys in the living room.

Later that day after lunch Oliver is having a nap, you finish doing some laundry and see Fred sitting on the couch on his phone.

You sit down on the other end of the couch, “can we talk?” you ask.

“Yeah, what about?” he asks not looking up from his phone.

“Us, and our situation” you say.

He finally looks at you “okay, what about us?”

“I just feel like things have been awkward or tense around us for the last month or so. Thought maybe we could talk about it.”

He puts his phone into his pocket and looks at you for a minute “Okay?”

“I am sorry for what happened last month.”

Fred scoffs “for what sleeping with me or what happened after?”

You stare at him and see the pain in his eyes “that’s what I thought. If you didn’t want to sleep with me why did you? You could have pulled away, could have stopped before it started. Instead you went ahead and now you regret this.” You don’t regret sleeping with him, but you don’t know how to explain it, just the timing wasn’t right. You just need time to sort through your feelings, time to process everything.

You stare at him for a minute. “Fred I am so sorry. I never wanted this to happen, I didn’t want to hurt you, and you need to know that. I just want what’s best for Ollie-“

“And I don’t?” his tone changes, you can tell he is becoming agitated.

“No I know you do” you say lightly. “I should have stopped us before we go carried away, and I’m sorry. I’m just wondering if we can move forward from here.”

Fred stares ahead not responding. After a few minutes you finally say “I think I should find my own place.”

This causes him to look at you, still speechless. Finally you continue “we said we would do this only if it made sense. We always left the option of me moving out on the table. I just think it’s best for Oliver if we aren’t around each other with this tension. I worry about it damaging our relationship to a point where we can’t recover and it causes us issues down the line. I think it’s better if we have space between us, can keep our relationship at its best so we can be the best parents for Oliver.

We can work out a custody arrangement. I will keep him when you’re on the road, and you can have him as much as you want when you’re home. And we can split the time in the summer. I will stay here for the rest of my maternity leave, and over the next year we can talk about how to make it work in two different countries.”

“You sure this is what you want (Y/N)?”

“I think we need this. I think we need space, it will help us. If we had of dated and had a kid and then broke up we wouldn’t live together so I think this makes sense.”

“Okay great” Fred snaps getting up and walking to his room.

April 17, 2022

You and Fred have been walking on eggshells around each other. You found a realtor and have been looking into some apartments but you want something close to Fred to make everything easier. You wake up on Easter weekend; at 7am with Oliver and begin the morning routine with him before taking him to get him dressed in a green plaid long sleeve shirt and overalls before putting bunny ears on him. You walk out and run into Fred in the hall who chuckles when he sees him “what does mommy have you wearing? You a little bunny?” grabbing him from you.

You hear him talking to him as he heads to the living room with him while you get ready. When you make your way to the kitchen you see that he has made breakfast for the both of you.

“Oh this is nice” you say sitting down taking in the spread Fred made. Bacon, eggs, hash browns, French toast, fruit and coffee all sit waiting for you.

Fred smiles as he hands you a plate as you scoop the food. “You didn’t have to do all this” you say.

“I know, I just thought we could have a nice family breakfast since I have a few days off before playoffs start and I get really busy.”

You smile lightly as you start eating “Oh this is so good. It’s been a while since you made breakfast.”

“Can’t have you expecting this every day” he retorts “it’s a lot of work” a small grin on his face.

“I give you a baby and you can’t give me breakfast every day. Seems a little unfair” you joke.

“You don’t get to play the baby card every day for breakfast.”

“No you’re right. I should save it for something big and important, not waste it on daily breakfast.” You laugh “so you find a nanny? I know you were looking.”

“Yeah I’ve been looking, but I didn’t see the need to lock someone up with the season almost over. I’ll find someone during the off season, but I don’t think I’ll need someone during the summer with no hockey.”

“Makes sense.”

“How is the apartment hunt going?”

“I’ve seen a couple, I’m trying to find one close to here. Just trying to find one I can afford in a decent neighbourhood. Haven’t seen any 2 bedrooms that kind of fit that mold but I will.”

“Oh well you know I will pay for it.” “What? Fred, you can’t”

“We should have talked about child support or something before. I mean since you’ve lived here I haven’t paid anything to you.” he says.

“I haven’t paid for rent or any bills since I got here. You have paid for all of his doctor’s appointments, and most of the groceries. I didn’t see the need to discuss child support when I have no expenses because you cover it all. When you’re on the road you even leave a credit card in case I needed something for him”

“Which you have not used once by the way” he says smiling as you roll your eyes. “If you aren’t going to be here with me I have to pay support.”

“I don’t want your money Fred.”

“Well you can accept my money or I will get a lawyer to draw up papers to force you to take it” he jokes. “But seriously I want to know you guys are okay so I am paying for your place, so pick whatever you want.”

You sigh loudly “no.”

“This is non-negotiable. How is this any different then you agreeing to move into my old condo in Toronto?”

“You’re impossible” you grumble as Fred continues to stare at you. You are aware that you aren’t going to win this argument “Fine. There actually are a couple apartments available in the condos 2 blocks over, my agent told me about. I didn’t look at them because they were a little more than I wanted to spend”

“Well see if you can go check them out? Playoffs don’t start until the 22nd, I just have practices right now.”

Your agent manages to set up the showings the following day. You set them up around Fred’s practices so he could watch Oliver but he insists on coming. “You really didn’t have to come Fred” you say pressing the button in the elevator.

“Just want to make sure you guys are going to be okay” he says as you walk in the door. It’s a 2+ bedroom, 2 baths. The main living area is open so you can watch Oliver playing while in the kitchen. There is a dining and living area, so large you can have a play area for Oliver without his toys overtaking the main area. There are lots of windows and in-suite laundry and ample storage, not to mention the gym and pool in the building.

It’s amazing you think to yourself. You would love to live here, but you don’t need this much space.

“I think it’s too big, too much I don’t need all this.”

“Well you are getting it, I’m signing the papers. It’s a great place, you deserve this. Besides I like that you will be close to me. We won’t have to spend our time sitting in traffic doing the exchanges and if something happens the other one is really close.”

You are trying to find an argument, because this apartment is more than you need, and more than he should be spending on you.

“I know you love it, especially your walk-in closet. I saw your eyes light up when you went in there” he says. “The closet is really nice, but I’m sure there are other places, that are maybe a little smaller that have nice closets too. I just don’t need all of this. It’s way too much” you say lightly.

“Nonsense (Y/N). I’m signing the lease.”

Before you can object Fred walks over to the realtor and signs a one year lease for you.

“Happy Father’s Day” you say as Fred opens the door for you and Oliver. He has a pair of khaki shorts and a white Nike t-shirt. His t-shirt is tight and you can see his biceps popping out of it, and it’s fitted to his stomach. You think about what is under his clothes. You have a gift bag in your hand and your son is resting on your hip. Fred lets you in before taking Oliver and pulling you in for a quick hug as you feel his muscular back as you grip him. You moved out on June 1st, and with the Penguins out of the playoffs you have been sharing custody of him since then.

“Hey buddy” he says kissing his forehead “I like your shirt” he says at the “Daddy’s little man” written across his chest. You walk into the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge when Fred comes in after you. “This is for you” you say setting the gift bag on the counter.

“You didn’t have to get me anything” he replies when Oliver crawls in and pulls on his leg. “Geez I forgot he is doing that, makes keeping an eye on him more fun.”

“Yeah he also can open cupboards. I have someone coming to baby proof my place tomorrow.”

Fred laughs picking him up and reached for the gift bag, reading the card that is signed with Oliver’s handprint before reaching in and pulling out a mug. He immediately starts laughing “Oh my god. This is awesome!” It’s a simple white mug that reads Your pull out game is weak

“I mean it’s not wrong” you say smiling.

“No it’s not. But my shitty reflexes lead to this little guy” he says laughing. “How is the new place?”

“It’s good, has a view of the sunset from the balcony so after he goes to sleep I can go out there and read. It’s nice”

“That’s good, we’re uh gonna head out to the park. Thought he might want to check out the swings, you want to come?”

“The swings eh” you say walking forward and grabbing Oliver’s hands “how can I say no to his first time on the swings?”

An hour later you all make the walk down to the park and Fred places him in the swing. You pull out your phone to videotape it. “He is either going to love it and laugh or it will be his worst experience and he will scream. What one do you think?” you ask him.

Fred chuckles lightly adjusting his hat, “I think he will love it, he’s tough, an adventure seeker. The real question is, are you ready mama?” You nod as Fred begins lightly pushing the swing. After a few pushes on the swing you see a huge smile spreads across his face before he begins laughing, his baby laugh causes a smile to spread across both of your faces.

“He loves it” Fred says as you continue recording.

You stay there a little longer playing on the swings and taking turns on the slide with him. You are preparing to leave the park, and Fred is buckling him in the stroller. He looks at you, and brings a hand up to your hair. He runs his fingers through, slowly pulling a leaf out. Your eyes linger on him a little too long before you whisper “thanks.” You walk back to his apartment where Fred makes some tea, using his new mug. “Can I talk to you about something?” he asks.

“Of course” you reply setting your mug down.

“So I was talking with my dad yesterday. We haven’t really talked much since last summer but I called him for father’s day. Afterwards I was talking with my mom and she asked if Ollie was going to come out with me next month.”

You take a sip of your tea as Fred continues “I planned on going out there for a week, but I didn’t know how you felt about me bringing him.”

“I mean yeah. We can swap some days around, it’s not a big problem.”

“Are you sure, we normally are doing every 3 days, this is more than twice that”

“It won’t be easy but it will be fine. He should spend time with his family.” “You sure you’re okay with this? You’re okay with me taking him out of the country.”

“I’m okay with it, assuming you want to do the 6 hour flight with a 7 month old” you say as you both laugh. “I’m sure he’ll have a great time, and if you want to extend it a little bit longer it’s fine.”

“Thanks but I’m sure 7 days will be enough time with him there. Does he have a passport?”

“Yeah I got him one so I could take him back to Toronto with me when needed. But he should also have a Danish passport, since he’s also a Danish citizen.”

“He’s not a Danish citizen.” Fred quickly says.

“What do you mean? You’re Danish and you’re his dad. He should have Canadian and Danish citizenship. Like a dual citizen.”

“Yeah so 5 or 6 years ago Denmark started acknowledging dual citizens by birth, but since his father is Danish and we aren’t married he doesn’t get to claim dual citizenship in Denmark. If we were married he would get both.”

“Hold up because were not married he isn’t considered to be Danish, even though you, his father, were born and raised there.”

“Yeah but if you were Danish and I was Canadian it would count.”

“Fuck that’s stupid. Don’t they know it’s 2022. People don’t need to be married to have kids, and dads can be single dads too.”

“Yeah I know it’s ridiculous.”

July 16, 2022

“Thanks again for being okay with this” Fred says while closing your door.

“You don’t have to thank me. He’s half Danish he should spend time there.”

“Still it’s a big ask for me to take him on a 6 hour plane ride across the ocean. I really appreciate you being so cool about this” he says kissing your forehead, his hands cupping your cheeks. You breathe in his cologne and laundry detergent, getting lost in it. You bring your hands up and stroke his forearms, getting lost in the interaction a little too long.

Fred looks around and notices another suitcase “you heading somewhere?” he asks pulling away.

“I’m going to Toronto for a few days to see my friends.”

“You could have planned it for another week and brought him with you.”

“I’m actually going to see my extremely judgemental grandparents, and I thought I’d spare him from their wrath.”

“I’m sure they aren’t that bad” he jokes.

“You haven’t met them, and be thankful for that” you say before looking at the clock. “You uh should get going before he falls asleep and you wake him up moving him out of the car.” You walk over and pick him up from his play mat. “Mommy is going to miss you so much little man.” You pull him in tightly to your chest placing kisses on his head “you’re going to have so much fun and I will see you so soon.” Tears begin to pool in your eyes as you keep holding him.

“You should take him before I lose it” you joke. Fred gives you a hug before leaving your apartment.

A few days later you arrive in Toronto. Your friends Carlee and Allie at the airport. “Hiii” you say wrapping them in a big hug.

“I really wish you brought Ollie” Allie says.

“I know, but he is having a great time in Denmark” you say pulling your phone out. “He has been sending me pictures and videos, multiple times a day” you explain scrolling through your phone.

“How long are you here for?”

“I have to be back by the 23rd, but I’m seeing my grandparents on the 21st so I may leave earlier.

After quickly stopping at Carlee’s apartment to change you all head out for dinner before going to a bar.

You put on a pair of white shorts with a red wine long sleeve body suit that has a deep v in the front with some booties. “Damn girl” Allie chirps when you come out of the bathroom.

“Yeah he has been crawling for a bit, he is starting to try and pull himself up. I feel like he will be walking soon which I am not ready for. Also he is making more sounds, I feel like he could start talking soon. Just getting so big” you tell the girls while out at dinner. “That’s crazy, how has Freddie been?” Allie asks.

“Oh he is amazing. He is the best with him, always playing with him. I think he wants to get him in hockey skates soon” you chuckle.

“But how are things with him?” Like with you two?” Carlee questions.

“They got awkward for a while, after we hooked up. But since I got my apartment things have been better. I think moving out was the best choice.”

“Why did you freak out after you hooked up?” Allie questions.

You take a sip of wine “I was worried about it not working. Or that’s what I told myself, I honestly think I just I panicked because I wasn’t ready to face my feelings.”

“What feelings?” Carlee asks raising an eyebrow.

“I think I was pretending they didn’t exist. Or I wasn’t ready to admit I had them, and I thought moving out would help me get over them.”

“Have you gotten over them?”

“No. And every time I see him all I want is to jump him. But I doubt he would go for it after what happened. And we keep having these lingering moments, looks or touches, that I feel like will lead somewhere but don’t.”

“Do you want them to lead somewhere?” Allie asks.

“I don’t know what I want.”

“Sounds like you need a man to distract you.” Carlee says as Allie smirks.

“Last time I needed a man to distract me I got pregnant” you joke.

You all make your way into the bar and start ordering some drinks before sitting at a booth. You are catching up, joking about the old times when your drink empties and you head to the bar. While standing there you smell someone’s cologne as you feel a body bump into you.

“Sorry” you hear the voice say “It’s really crowded tonight.”

You turn slightly and make eye contact with a tall good looking blonde man “no worries, like you said it’s really crowded.”

“I’m Taylor” he says sticking his hand out. You continue chatting as you wait for a bartender to serve you. After a few minutes they finally come and you order a drink for yourself and Taylor. Before you can pay Taylor puts a $20 on the bar.

“Oh you didn’t have to” you say smiling.

“It’s no problem. He wasn’t coming over to serve me, he was coming for the pretty girl. If you weren’t here I wouldn’t have ordered yet” a blush comes across your face. “What do you do?” he asks.

“I’m an environmental specialist for a consulting firm, you?” you feel his hand on the small of your back as he pulls you in closer to him.

“I’m a high school math teacher” he says “you want to dance?”

You agree and he leads you out to the dancefloor, his hands gently resting on your hips as you move to the music. You look to your friends and they nod in approval as you bring your hands to his shoulders. As the music continues you feel him close the gap, his hand now resting on your back, inches separating you two. You can smell his cologne and feel his breath on your neck, as he closes the gap. His jeans are now rubbing up against your pelvis, his hands shift to lightly cup your ass. You moan lightly and turn your head slightly to look at him and see his once blue eyes now dark with lust staring down at you.

“You’re so beautiful” he whispers before leaning down and kissing you. It starts off soft as he waits for your mouth to allow him entrance. You slide your hands into his hair and he deepens the kiss. Your mouth begins to allow his entrance, and you kiss for a moment. Your mind immediately goes to Freddie, Freddie and your son. Guilt washes over you causing you to pull away.

“I’m sorry” you begin stepping away. “I’m going through some stuff, and I thought I was ready to move on but I’m not. I can’t do this” and you walk away back to your friends.

“What happened?” Carlee asks as you slide in the booth.

“It didn’t feel right. I felt wrong for kissing him, all I was thinking about was Fred.”

_____

A few days later you are on your way to your grandparents place. You have been dreading this. You haven’t seen them since before you had Oliver, and you haven’t had a lengthy conversation with them in a few months. You arrive at their home and walk in greeting them both in hugs.

“Can’t believe you finally come visit and don’t bring our great-grandson” your grandma says.

“I know grandma but he is in Denmark with his father” you pull your phone out to show her some pictures Fred has sent you but she walks into the kitchen to finish making lunch.

“Can’t believe you let him go on a trip without you” you grandpa states.

“Well Fred is a great father so I have no reason for him to not let him go. It’s good for him to spend time with his dad.”

“It’s good for him if his parents are together” your grandpa quips.

“If his parents were in love then yes. But we aren’t going to be together just because we have a baby.”

“Well you shouldn’t have had a baby with someone you don’t love. Someone you aren’t married to” your grandma interjects.

Their judgement is one of the reasons why you don’t have the best relationship with them. They judged you for picking your profession, wanting you to be a lawyer like your father. They judged you for so many of your choices throughout your life. Your choice in friends, boyfriends and your love life was always an issue with them. They had some old school beliefs, even if you and Fred had of been dating before you got pregnant they wouldn’t have been accepting of the situation until you were married.

“Well I did grandma, can’t change that.”

“No” your grandpa says “but you could still get married now. Have you even tried to be a family?”

“It’s complicated” you reply. It’s not a lie, your relationship is extremely complicated. You are beginning to feel like maybe you should talk with Fred soon, and really explain everything that happened. Explain that you just panicked, not that you don’t want to try and see if you can be together.

“No it’s not” your grandma says “You should be with the person you have babies with. If you aren’t with them you shouldn’t have sex. We didn’t raise you to be so reckless.”

“Reckless? You guys judge me on one night. On one mistake, and I don’t even consider it a mistake because I got the most beautiful boy out of it. But I know that you consider it a mistake, that’s why I haven’t visited, and why I came without him. I spent my life being judged by you for not being good enough and I won’t have my son grow up feeling this way. I was never going to be good enough for you because my mom wasn’t good enough for my dad in your eyes.”

Tears are forming in your eyes as you continue. Your voice is now louder to an almost yell “Literally since the day I was born I haven’t been good enough for you. You hated how they raised me, how they encouraged me to make my own choices, be my own person. When they died you did everything possible to undo how they had raised me, to change me into your version of perfect.”

Tears are now rolling down your cheeks “This is who I am, you need to accept it. If you can’t accept who I am you won’t be a part of my life, and you definitely won’t be a part of Oliver’s life.” With that you storm out and get in your rental car and head to a hotel. You keep your sunglasses on as you check in to try and hide the puffiness of your eyes.

You arrive in your room and shower to try and calm yourself down. You stand in there way too long trying to de-stress and drop your blood pressure. When you get out you put on your house coat, can’t even bother to get dressed and open your tablet looking for the next flight to Pittsburgh.

You get a text from Fred and its Oliver sitting on the floor reading a book. Without thinking you press the facetime button, Fred answers on the third ring.

“Hey” he says with a big smile “how’s it going?”

“It’s alright, how is Denmark?” you say through a fake smile.

Fred walks over and sits beside Oliver “It’s been going great, everyone loves him.”

“Well how can they not? He is the best. What were you guys up to today?”

“Today was just a relaxing day with just us. We had the Uno tournament yesterday, and he was pretty tired so we are keeping it easy. We went to a park, had a nap and now we’re reading before bed.” You can hear Oliver babbling to himself as he pretends to read the book.

“Sounds like fun” you say trying to hold back a sniffle.

“Yeah. How’s Toronto? Aren’t you supposed to be going to your grandparents today?”

“Yeah I already did. It only lasted 10 minutes before I stormed out.”

“Went that good eh?”

“Yeah I’m looking to see if I can fly back tonight or tomorrow morning.”

“Wanna talk about it?” “Honestly no. I just wanted to see Ollie thought he could cheer me up.”

You talk for a little bit longer before he hangs up to get Oliver ready for bed. You manage to find a flight and fly back later that night.

Aug 3, 2022

You knock on the door. Fred was supposed to drop Oliver up the following morning but Fred asked if you could come the night before and gets him.

“Hey” he says opening the door. He is wearing navy dress pants with a white polo shirt tucked in. His hair is styled and you smell his cologne as soon as you walk in.

“Hey, you look nice” you say stepping in.

“Thanks” he runs his hand through his hair “I have a um…I have a date tonight.”

“Oh nice” you say unsure how to respond or how to feel.

“We were supposed to meet tomorrow but she switched her shift. Thanks for being flexible and being able to get him tonight” he explains.

“Yeah of course” you say picking Oliver up. “Have a good night tonight” you say as you walk out the door.

You buckle him in the car seat and start the short drive home. When you get home you sit on the couch holding Oliver in your lap. He is tired and almost asleep, you know that you should put him in his crib for the night but you can’t bring yourself to do it. Instead you sit there cuddling your son as tears begin to fall down your cheek.

I was too late, I missed my chance you think to yourself. You rock Oliver side to side as you quietly sob; you hope having him in your arms is enough to calm your emotions. You rock him until your sobs stop, long after he fell asleep.

Next Chapter

#Freddie Andersen #frederik andersen #Freddie Andersen Smut #Freddie Andersen Fic #frederik andersen smut #Frederik Andersen Fic #nhl smut #nhl fic #fred andersen #Fred Andersen Fic #frederik andersen x reader #freddie andersen x reader #fred andersen x reader #fredzilla #because two people got drunk #my writing

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walkerrenee · 3 years ago

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‼️‼️‼️

Aristotle and Dante Dive into the Waters of the World SPOILERS under the cut:

hello, this is just a random post to document my reactions as i read the Ari and Dante sequel, it's not going to be interesting just me screaming mostly but i might spoil something so beware.

start time: 1:55pm (pacific time) 10/13/21

1:56 pm - i've read the first page and am already crying, this is going fantastic

1:57pm - "i'm already home. i'm with you"

no🤍

1:59 pm - "i love the rain more than anything." "i know. i want to be the rain." "you are the rain, Dante."

CRYING SCREAMING THROWING UP

2:29pm - i have a feeling i'm going to be crying everytime a character is crying

2:34pm - hahahhahaha not religion i haven't worked through my religious trauma yet help

3:02pm - sometimes i relate so much to Ari it feels like someone crawled into my brain to extract my deepest thoughts

4:02pm - they way they have to pretend to kiss makes me want to fling myself off a cliff (:

4:14pm - A POEM SHUT UP

5:40 pm - I WANT TO KEEP READING BUT IM FALLING ASLEEP

6:07pm - UPDATE i've obtained caffeine and ordered Dominoes we're back in business I WILL FINISH THIS BOOK ASAP

6:21 pm - someone be my very own dante quintana please im emo

6:39pm - they just met emma and i'm bawling so of course my dominoes driver pulls up at this exact moment

8:11pm - ok i'm really slacking on reading, i keep crying and i feel like something not very great is gonna happen and i'm scared i'm not mentally stable enough for all this

8:18pm - idk if dante calling ari "aristotle quintana" was just a typo or not but i loved it lmao (also if it is a typo it's the 2nd one i've noticed smh they should have hired me to proofread)

8:21pm - "i used to think that she wanted me to be someone else. but it wasn't her who wanted me to be someone else—it was me"

OKAY NO NEED TO CALL ME OUT WTF

8:25pm - NO I DONT LIKE HOW THEYRE TALKING ABOUT ARI'S DAD AND FUNERALS NOPE THIS BETTER NOT BE SOME SICK TWISTED FORESHADOWING I SWEAR TO GOD

8:43pm - "if we're lucky. if we're very lucky, the universe will send us the people we need to survive"

riGHT i had to take a break to sob my eyes out at this part <3

9:57pm - i have only just officially made it halfway through the book, too much crying not enough reading

10:49pm - ok i took a break to paint my nails but i'm officially back on my bullshit pt.2 let's go

10:55pm - "to imagine a future for ari and dante was a fantasy. i did't want to live my life in a fantasy. the world i wanted to live in didn't exist. and i was struggling to love the world i did live in. i wondered if i was strong enough or good enough to love a world that hates me."

IM 3 PAGES INTO THE SECOND HALF AND ONCE AGAIN SOBBING

11:11pm - "but, for me, to love was one thing. to let yourself be loved, well, that was the most difficult thing of all."

HAHAskfsjutdbgsardzrizurzufxbigstk

11:58 pm - "i wondered why people felt they could speak for god."

i have no words tbh

12:07am - he's really going to kill Jaime off isn't he? I CANT STAND THIS FUCK OFF HASNT THIS FAMILY BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH I DONT CARE IF THIS IS HOW REAL LIFE IS IT SUCKS AND IM GOING TO CRY AND I HATE CRYING

12:18am - i mean i already knew bernardo was a piece of shit but god (also i'm glad the topic of the victim being transgender was handled better in this book, by ari mostly obviously. i hated how it was addressed and brushed aside in the first book.)

12:31am - alright i have work in the morning so i should probably sleep, i ended on dante saying the new year was going to be their best one ever so obviously in book language that means shit's about to hit the fan so i'll let future me suffer with that tomorrow (:

DAY 2

12:25pm - i am currently at work waiting for laundry to dry so i am ready for round 2

12:29pm - NO WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK YOU CANT JUST START THE CHAPTER ABOUT HOW HAPPY ARI IS AND HOW HIS MOM AND DAD LOVE NEW YEARS AND THEN FUCKING KILL HIS DAD IN THE SAME CHAPTER FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF

12:43pm - i hate it here i hate everything i haven't cried this hard in years whyyyyyyyg

2:30pm - WAIT A SECOND did he change ari's sisters names in the sequel? i literally just realized, i'm pretty sure he did, i dont have the first book by me atm but i'm almost positive. who tf let this get published like that im screaming

4:35pm - FUCK YOU DANTE I'LL KICK YOUR ASS I SWEAR TO GOD

4:43 pm- "he's not just some boy, mom. he's dante quintana."

SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE I'VE BEEN WOUNDED

5:02 pm - "i was going to ask you to marry me. but they won't let us do that. so i thought maybe it was best just to skip the wedding and get straight to the honeymoon." "have you decided where you'd take me?" "yes, i thought i'd take you to paris. we'll spend our time writing our names on the map of the city of love."

that's it. IVE FINISHED IT. and i'm crying and i loved it and i hated it and ari and dante grow old together in love and no one will convince me otherwise or take that away from me thank you very much. now i will live in a purgatory of numbness for the next week while i try and process this

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outrebanx · 5 years ago

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Dragonfly - Chapter 5

JJ Maybank x female!reader series

Summary: Things are weird between you and JJ for a few days, but all is forgotten when he turns up on your doorstep, covered in bruises again

Word Count: 3k

Warnings: ANGST - mentions of abuse and death, injuries, maybe some swearing I cant remember

A/N: I love writing angst as I can relate to it so much more and it helped my mood today isn’t great but I hope the chapter flows well enough and people like it - and as always feedback is appreciated :) (little flashback in italics)

Catch up: Chapters 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -

You woke up to the sun shining into your room, turning over you were met with empty space, you opened your eyes to see nothing where JJ had been laying the night before. You had agreed to go to John B’s together, why would he leave without telling you?

You sat up, not understanding why you felt so hurt at him leaving, you had helped him, and him you last night, but I guess now he was sober, he didn’t want your help. You couldn’t spend too much time thinking about this though, you needed a shower desperately and then you were still going to head to John B’s, whether JJ was there or not.

Only once you’d got into the shower, did your mind finally focus on the pain you felt in your arms, the one Rafe had grabbed now had a dark purple bruise covering a lot of the forearm, and the hand you had punched him with was also swollen and it ached. This was possibly the worst way you’d woken up in a while, but in all honesty you didn’t want to deal with your injuries or spend anymore time thinking about JJ. So you quickly finished your shower, wrapped a bandage around your hand, took some painkillers and got ready for the day ahead.

John B’s house was quiet when you got to it, most likely John B (and the others if they crashed there) were still asleep, and you didn’t want to wake them, so you made your way to the end of the dock where you sat and looked over at the water, lost in thought.

You had been looking out on a calm water, similar to the marsh you were looking at now, your mum at your side, sitting in silence whilst you both listened to the sounds of nature around you. The birds in the trees chirping their songs like they do every morning, the wind making its way through the trees, rustling the leaves as it went, and the early buzzing of the insects around you. This had been the lake where you’d had your moment with the dragonflies, it truly felt like a magical place to you, as if it was out of a fairy tale.

Your mum and you had spent many mornings like this, enjoying the calm before the day revealed what it had in store for you, it gave you a chance to breathe.

This particular morning, your mum had dragged you out of bed to go here with her, neither of you ever bothered getting your dad to come as he was the opposite of a morning person, and you kind of liked the ritual staying between the two of you.

You had been sat there for around 10 minutes before your mum started speaking, “No matter what happens in life never forget this place or what it means to us.”

You looked at her in confusion, “what?”

“Promise me, please, that you won’t forget this Y/N.” Her eyes seemed pained enough that you didn’t ask her anymore questions and said instead, “Of course I promise.”

At this response your mum had just wrapped her arm around you and kissed the top of your head, not realising you had felt a tear fall onto the same spot a moment later.

You were shaken from this memory when you heard someone call your name, their footsteps heading towards you. You cursed yourself for allowing your thoughts to move towards that memory, still not ready to face some of the pain you felt, especially in a place where someone could see, so with the footsteps getting closer you quickly wiped away the couple of tears that had fallen without you realising and turned to see John B approaching you.

You smiled at him, “Morning sunshine, how are you feeling today?”

“Better than expected actually,” he sat down next to you, “how about you? How’s the hand?”

“To be honest it aches a little,” you moved it in front of him, showing him the bandage, “but maybe worth it if Rafe feels worse this morning.”

He laughed, “God let’s hope so, I’m not sure his ego will easily recover from being hit by a girl in front of other people.”

You two fell into an easy silence for a minute or two before John B got up, clapping his hands together, “Right, I think it’s time we tried to wake up the others,” he held out a hand to help you up, “come on.”

You grabbed his hand with your good one and made your way back to the Chateau, falling back slightly when he first went inside, but you took a breath and went in.

The sight you saw made you smile, Pope was in an unnatural position asleep on the pullout with Kiara half off the other side, also sleeping peacefully.

John B was heading to what was probably the spare room, most likely for JJ, when you said to him, your voice hushed, “What’s the best way to wake them up without being killed?”

“No method I’ve ever tried has really worked so do what you want, but good luck and don’t let them kill you.”

You laughed, put your hand to your forehead and saluted him, “Yes sir.”

He was still laughing when he disappeared into the room, you looked down at the pair in front of you, assessing how you could wake them up. In the end you decided to risk their annoyance, as with the awkward way they’d been sleeping, there was room in the middle for you to jump.

You launched yourself onto the bed, falling down between them and jolting the bed enough that Kie fell off in shock and Pope managed to smack himself in the face. The anger on their faces didn’t last long as the cackle you’d let out at the scene you’d just witnessed was just as funny to them, so soon you were all sat there, Kie still on the floor, just laughing together.

“Why the fuck are you all so loud?” You heard JJ from the door, the silence died down, on your part it was from shock at how rough he looked this morning, you’d frozen when you’d seen the number of bruises on his face, and you dreaded to think what his torso looked like under the shirt he was wearing.

You made eye contact with him, before he could do or say anything though, you looked away, instead looking at John B who had given you a thumbs up for your method of waking up Kie and Pope. You gave him a big smile and bowed slightly, causing him to chuckle.

The rest of the day went by quite quickly, at first it was quite calm, the others recovering from the hangovers they had, luckily you’d always managed to avoid hangovers somehow, and then for the rest of the day you were all out on the boat.

Throughout the day you had felt JJ’s eyes on you, probably waiting for you to talk to him, but you avoided his eyes, still not sure you wanted to talk to him, especially with how your emotions had broken through your barriers that morning on the dock. On days that happened you were usually careful in avoiding any sort of emotional situation, and you felt like talking to JJ about why he had left without saying anything could become emotional, so even if it made you look a little bitchy, you did your best to avoid him.

Unfortunately Kie had picked up on how you were acting and pulled you to the side, away from the boys who were chatting at the wheel of the boat.

“Hey, what’s happened between you and JJ?”

“Nothing, I’m just not in the mood for his antics today.”

“Bullshit, you’re actively avoiding him, he has a face of a hurt puppy, the boys haven’t picked up on it cos they’re idiots, but I’m not.” She crossed her arms waiting for your answer.

“I don’t know why he looks like a ‘hurt puppy’ as you say, all I know is I let him stay round mine last night because I didn’t want him walking home in the state he was in, and when I woke up this morning he had already left, not even leaving a note.”

Kie was about to speak but you continued on, “and I’m being truthful when I say nothing happened, I’ve just had a difficult morning, and talking to him might make it worse, so I’m helping myself instead of him today. Okay?”

She gripped your hand, squeezing it slightly, “I can talk to him if you want?”

“No it’s honestly fine, I just don’t want to deal with him much today.”

“Okay then, we will relax together, and have a JJ free day.”

You smiled at her, thankful you’d met someone like her, someone who didn’t push too much and understood your wishes.

The rest of the day played out smoothly, JJ didn’t try and approach you, but the group as a whole had a good day out. Good enough that you were exhausted by the time you got home, quickly saying hi to your dad and avoiding him seeing the bruise on your arm, then heading to bed where you fell into a deep sleep very quickly.

—————

The next few days you were back at work, and you almost never saw anyone from the group, apart from Kie obviously, who you had a couple of shifts with, but you still hadn’t really spoken to JJ since the night of the Kegger. You now wanted to though, and it annoyed you slightly that he hadn’t tried speaking to you, probably thinking you’d still be slightly distant with him - but this whole situation was more due to him than you, you thought.

You decided that as you had a day off tomorrow, and were probably going to see the Pogues, you would try to talk to JJ then - at least try to get things back to how they were before the other night. The plan now made out in your head, you began to relax slightly, no longer feeling the awkward pang in your chest when you thought of him.

The rest of your work day went by without any issue, and by the time you’d had a pizza with your dad for tea, you still weren’t that tired, so instead of laying in your bed for another night in a row, you decided to go surfing.

The beach was quiet when you got there, nobody really out at this time, and you liked it. The night sky was reflected on the water, the sounds of the waves calmed your mind and heart, but it was only when you were about to step into the water that you realised the water might be too calm to surf. You didn’t want to go back home just yet though, so you left your board on the beach, and dove into the waves.

After being under the water for a minute, you resurfaced, treading water and keeping an eye on your position so the currents couldn’t move you too much without you realising; you stayed like this for a while, every now and then going back under water for as long as you could manage. Eventually your body began to tire, and you swam back to shore, grabbing your board from where you left it and got back into your car to head home.

—————

You were unlocking the door to your house when you heard movement behind you, you tried not to react, instead thinking about what you could use to protect yourself if needed, unfortunately all you had were the keys in your hand, so you turned around, ready to see what was behind you.

The sight was not what you expected, it was worse, you were frozen as you looked at JJ, blood running down his face, new bruises already forming over the ones from the other night, he wasn’t putting much weight on one of his legs and he had tears in his eyes.

Quickly shaking yourself out of the shock you had felt, you rushed towards him, “Holy shit JJ, what’s happened? Are you okay?”

His voice was gravelly, as if he’d been shouting, or screaming you thought with a shiver, “I went to your window but you weren’t there, so I waited here - I can go if you want.”

“Absolutely not,” you took his hand, already pulling him in the direction of your house, “I’ll clean you up again, yeah?”

You had turned to see if he was going to answer, but all he did was nod slightly, a tear falling down his cheek. The sight broke your heart and it took all your willpower to not cry as well.

He was silent - silent when you indicated for him to sit on the counter like last time, silent whilst you cleaned out his cuts and put ice on his wounds, silent when you led him into your room and sat him down on your bed. The only noises he ever made were sniffles or a hiss of pain when you cleaned out a bad cut.

You didn’t know what to do, whether you should ask him if he wanted to talk or to leave him alone completely. You crouched down in front of where he was sat, eye level with him, “Hey, will you be alright if I leave you for like five minutes? I’ve been in the sea so I kinda need a shower, but I don’t have to if you want me here with you.”

He looked at you, and shook his head and pointed back to the bathroom, showing he was fine with you leaving. You weren’t used to this quiet version of JJ, it unnerved you and made you want to break down in tears, but you couldn’t, at least not in front of him. So in the few minutes you were in the shower, you allowed a few tears to fall, heartbroken at the sight of him like this, but by the time you were back in your room, there was no sign of the emotions you’d let out, you were just ready to help him in any way you can.

He had settled down into your bed when you got back, the bruises on his chest obvious even in the dim light of your room, you made your way into bed next to him, laying on your side so you were facing him.

“You obviously don’t have to talk about it, but if you do want to I’m here for you.” He looked at you and the hand you’d held out for him to hold if he wanted it.

He put his hand in yours, still not saying anything, so you squeezed it and waited.

After a minute or so, he began speaking, “Um my dad did this to me,” you couldn’t help but let out a gasp at this, “he does it to me quite a lot actually, it’s why I spend so much time at John B’s - tonight it was because I wasn’t in the best of moods and didn’t get him a beer when he asked, so he told me how worthless I am, and that he wished I was dead.”

He sniffled, avoiding looking at you after what he said, completely unaware of the tears that were falling down your face, no longer contained by your resolve.

You squeezed his hand, “I may not have known you for a long time, but I know for a fact you’re not worthless, and the world would be an awful place if you were dead.”

He looked at you, likely still not convinced about what you were saying, so you continued, “You were one of the first people I met when I moved here, and because of my mum’s death, I wasn’t in the best of places, but everyday I have spent with you and the Pogues since have made my life a happier place again, you have especially had a part in that.”

You smiled at him, and to your delight, he smiled back.

You two lay like that for a while, holding hands in a comfortable silence. To your surprise it was JJ who broke the silence, “I’m sorry.”

“What for?” You looked at him confused

“For leaving the other day without telling you, I just panicked because you saw me vulnerable and you were being so nice, I didn’t want you to see me differently or something, so I thought I’d leave.”

Just as you were going to respond, he continued talking, “and then you wouldn’t even look at me the next day and I thought I’d really messed up, and I was going to talk to you, but I don’t know, I just couldn’t bring myself to.”

Before he could continue rambling, and making himself feel worse again you interrupted, “Hey, you hadn’t messed up or anything, yes I was a little annoyed at you leaving without telling me, but I knew you must of had a reason, and I was having other issues that day so I wanted to avoid emotions and stuff if that makes sense.”

“Yeh it does, maybe you can talk to me about that stuff sometime if you’re up for it, and I’m really glad I haven’t messed anything up because I think I might like you Y/N.”

You couldn’t help the smile that spread across your face, “That’s lucky, I think I might like you as well JJ Maybank.”

He pulled you closer, you put your head on his chest, careful not to hurt his bruises too much, and fell asleep like that, happy and content at the idea of being with the person beside you.

Taglist: @jellyfishbeansontoast @tangledinsparkles @k-k0129 @jjsbxtch @outerbankslove @obx-beach @emerald-xcd @danicarosaline @belledutchess @teamnick @justcallmesams @claryherondaleparker

#jj maybank x reader #jj maybank x y/n #jj x reader #jj maybank imagine #jj imagine #outerbanks fic #Outer Banks #obx fic #john b x reader #kiara carrera x reader #pope heyward x reader #john b routledge #jj maybank #pope heyward #kiara carrera #outrebanx #outrebanx dragonfly

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oh-theatre · 5 years ago

Text

Livin’ It Up: Chapter 3

Chapter title: Its All Coming Back To Me Now

A/N: New, bad, sorry. Comment? Sorry for short, important.

words: 1340

summary: return

pairings: Eventual logicality, eventual prinxiety, eventual demus, eventual Moceit (Which then goes back to Logicality and Demus)

warnings: Swearing, alcohol, underage drinking, drinking, parties, kissing, throw up, slight self harm, emotional abuse

Ao3 Link

“Ugh of course he did” Virgil sighs, throwing his journal across the room. Patton giggles still scribbling away at his homework. Virgil sits up, rubbing the nape of his neck with sympathy in his eyes. “Im sorry Pat, i know you wanted...not that”

“Hey its ok! I gave it a shot, plus the night I had was fun” Patton admits, he shrugs away his thoughts but finds himself doodling in the corner of his calculus work. “This is pointless” He shut his book away, returning it neatly to its spot on his desk. “My brain cant focus” He threw his eraser towards Virgil “Tell me about Roman” He smirks.

“Ok look nothings happened since the party” Virgil tells, and Patton listens, well until Virgil begins to ramble about their theatre project. His mind was in too many places at once, and he loved Virgil but once his gushing ended and his worries set in, Patton couldn't focus. His mind wandered to that fateful night, under the amber lights of a bustling evening.

“But they're so sticky” Logan scrunched his face, watching Patton thank the shop tender for his caramel apple. Patton rolls his eyes with a playful smile.

“Delicious is the word you're looking for” He corrects, Logan still doubtful. “Come on, take a bite” he offers, holding it up. Hesitant at first, Logan eyes it, was he examining the apple? Oh god, the way his glasses sat on his nose practically falling, Patton swears he could hear his heartbeat.

“Alright” He says, he holds his glasses, Patton strengthens his hold as Logan takes a bite out of the delectable treat. Logan's eyes quickly fly open, a surprise as he chews.

“Congrats Moreno! You're one of us common folk now” Patton teases, the wind ruffling both of their hair. Logan nods, taking yet another bite, Patotn didn't mind, he found the small chipmunk like chewing adorable. “Come on Simon, there's more to show you” He jokes, Logan takes his hand allowing the cheerleader to guide him. The apple was gone quickly but neither minded, it made their commute easier.

Patton had to wonder if Logan had ever been outside however, every little new thing sparked him, the bored robotic look in his eyes disappeared with a new flicker of excitement. Patton adored it. He grew fond of how Logan would fiddle with his fingers, it was soft.

“Just ignore them” Logan whispered as the pair walked towards a more quiet spot.

“Hm?” Patton hummed in response, a small skip as the gravel crackled below their feet.

“The girls and guys staring, just ignore them” And Patton had been. It was hard not to notice, each with daggers in their eyes but even if tonight was just a one time thing, or whatnot Patton was here to enjoy himself, enjoy the carnival he had spent weeks preparing and try something new. And it was nice, even if he did notice the winks Logan would throw out, the boredom as Patton chatted with people and the constant phone checking.

Its nice

It was nice

“So now im like i don't know! Should I dye my hair!” Virgil finishes, Patton coughs away his thoughts.

“I might have adhd but you can really go down a rabbit hole” Patton laughs, Virgil chuckles a flash of red on his cheeks. “Not a bad thing, and i think you should dye your hair if you want. No matter what you're gonna look great” Patton compliments. “Crap! We’re gonna be late” He checks his watch, morning homework sessions on monday were a usual. Except when they forget to actually get to school.

“Id say race you there but i dont wanna get there any faster than I have to” Virgil says, and with that they rush out the house.

~~~

“Does he have to looking so fucking cute” Logan spits, Roman stops his words instaly and looks to where an angry Logan glares.

“Uh Im sorry, imma need my friend back” Roman pokes, Logan turns to him, his eyebrows tightened. “Dude, what is going on with you” Roman questions, Logan slams the locker shut trying to distract himself from Patton and Virgil standing just a few steps down the hall at their own lockers. “Just a reminder that you-”

“Roman I am fully aware of what happened, I am also fully aware that the only reason Patton has not spoken to me is my own fault” Logan leans against the locker paralleling Romans pose. “However I am still infuriated that he looks that cute” Logan sighs. He wasn't wrong, even if Roman and Patton had their...issues he still knew his former friend. And Patton had an incredible eye for fashion.

And today was no exception. He wore a dropped shoulder cropped pullover, striped with white, pastel blue and pink, finished with a white collar. His light blue jeans sat comfortably on his legs cuffed at the bottom to show off his white sneakers. His belt was prominent and no mistake and his backpack slung over just one shoulder as he unpacked his belongings into his locker.

Objectively he was cute, but Roman was distracted by Virgil. He stood next to Patton talking away, his outfits always suited him and his defensive look only made Romans face flush more.

“Welp, you win some you lose some” Roman shrugs, patting his friend.

“I so appreciate the sentiment dear friend” Logan's sarcasm was not lost on Roman.

“Come on, you need some sushi in you” Roman takes his friend's shoulders, preparing to guide his friend towards the exit. Each has a free period that bleeds into lunch so why not take advantage?

~~~

“Is it bad that I want to wear Romans varsity jacket?” Virgil whispered as he darted his eyes away from the said jock who only stood a few feet away.

“No, it's adorable” Patton says, he organizes his things in his locker, ignoring as Logan and Roman begin to walk towards them. He knew rationally they were headed towards the exit but the small inkling of fear if they were to come up to him was still present. But quickly his mind was taken elsewhere with an abrupt cheer.

“One! Two! Three!” He hears, why was that voice so familiar? “Who missed me!”

“Janus!” Patton recognizes, he spins with unfiltered excitement rushing through the hall. Janus laughs as he sees his friend racing towards him wasting no time to wrap him in his arms and spin him quickly. Their embrace was pure elation, Virgil caught up to the pair with his own grin. They finally parted ignoring the crowd around them, specifically two boys who had decided sushi could wait.

“Buttercup!” He grins, Patton giggles delighted. He had missed Janus so much, and the sweet way the nickname fell only increased the buzz in his heart.

Someone else in the hall was not feeling the ecstatic energy. Logan glared his shoulders tightening under Romans hold. What was this envious sweat dripping from him as he watched Janus snake a respectful arm around Patton's waist, cupped to keep his gentlemans distance.

But Logan wasn't allowed to be mad

He saw Carly down the hall, she winked at him receiving a disgruntled scowl in return. He watched Brittany and Martin walk by him, each a flustered look.

And why should he care, he had the whole school, why did he need-

His thoughts were interrupted by the most intoxicating, sweetest sound to ever bless his ears. Pattons little giggle as he clutched to Janus for stability. He may have been seventeen but he towered over the boys, including Logan. Virgil seemed happy enough but Logan couldn't get over Patton. Patton stood blushing, his hand never left Janus’s side and he was...flashing the brightest smile.

Why did Logan want to be the one to cause that reaction

“Oh shut up moreno” He whispers to himself, swiping away from Romans grasps he shoots Martin a wink before making his way to lunch, a hesitant Roman followed.

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boomerang109 · 4 years ago

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*looks at my fic, which hasn’t been updated in 4 weeks (other than edits because i Didn’t Like It) and i’ve now driven myself into a horrible writers block immediately after outlining the entire thing possibly because i have outlined the entire thing and i forgot where i was going with this but am i sending it anyway yes i am please god tell me to write someone threw my motivation out the window and it’s all muddy now and i don wanna touch it oh god what even is that metaphor see what i mean about the writers block anyway ily cant wait for the next chapter of wwda get it out when you can don’t stress ily bye*

don’t tell me why my brain is like “yes we can answer this but we’ll combust if we look at any messages.” there’s no logic but i’ll get around to your messages and everyone else’s there. (to everyone waiting for like two sentence answers who’s seeing me post paragraphs, i’m sorry. the braincell does not function)

the way that i’m in YES! i can help! mode even tho i myself am lowkey in writer’s block which means i’m not qualified at all ajfhjghfgfdjghj

first of all: outlines are just to guide you. they stress me the fuck out too (which is why i’ve refused to put my wwda outline to paper, despite the fact that this means the timeline is absolutely fucked. like it’s in my brain, but if i put it on paper i’ll try to stick to it and i’ll freak out--see my month long break when i had an “outline” for chapter four). you can have goals for chapters (ie, lay groundwork for foreshadowing/character development/etc) but overall? just let yourself sit in front of the computer and vibe. don’t think about where you’re going, just think about where you are.

“i don wanna touch it oh god what even is that metaphor see what i mean about the writers block“ this? this is you judging yourself while you write and i don’t want to see ANY of that shit. writing is a process and editing is a thing, but when you’re doing your first draft you just gotta word vomit. sorry that’s a gross phrase but that’s what i do. and honestly? most of wwda is barely pieced together word vomit. idek why anyone likes it, but they do. and even if they didn’t--nothing would exist if you don’t put something to paper to start with.

apparently this advice doesn’t apply to everyone (i still can’t process @hella1975 ‘s writing technique like what the actual fuck) but for me one of the big things with writer’s block is starting where i want to start and just writing whatever fucking scenes i want. idk if that makes sense so i’ll put it into the context of wwda. so when i was still in my fucking intensive class i wasn’t writing cause i didn’t have time except for like a few minutes before bed at like 3am. now at 3am i’m not gonna write suki and azula being rivals cause i can barely handle that dynamic when i’m Focused. but at 3am i’m sad as fuck and i generally like to peruse the ao3 dadkoda tag, so instead i just wrote my own dadkoda scenes for much later (although they’re not actually that far off) in the fic. are they gonna need some editing cause i was just like ‘maximum angst even tho this scene is supposed to be about healing’? yes. yes i was. now the other day on the plane (when i really should’ve been working on an essay i didn’t end up finishing) i was like okay, i need to work on something actually relevant to chapter 12. but i’ve worked myself into a corner with my azula & iroh scene so i didn’t want to deal with that bullshit on two hours of sleep and also being called “miss” and other female terms in the airport got me all in the gender feels so i was like oh! i’ll write some more enby aang! and i wrote this like gorgeous passage or two on aang’s gender feels. and yeah, it probably makes no sense for aang cause i wrote it from a pov that was too much me and not enough aang, but the point still remains. i skipped to a part of the chapter that was important to me. and then i realized that aang could be having these thoughts in the context of another scene which led to . . . and there i was with somewhat of a complete thought for the chapter.

also along those lines, if you’re having writer’s block you gotta look at that block. what’s wrong? is there something wrong with the story up to this point? is there something you don’t like about where you’re going? is there something you really want to write that you’re not letting yourself write?

cause the thing is, we’re not professional authors. we’re fic writers. we do this for fun cause we love the characters. so if you’re not loving the characters for some reason, you shouldn’t force yourself. take the pressure off yourself. this fandom is so supportive, they’re not going to rush you (literally look at the fact that even as you say you’re excited for wwda you also tell me not to stress) and remember to apply that to yourself. it’s okay to need a break, whether that’s cause the vibes are off or cause you’re tired or any other reason.

i tried to write a bunch of different thoughts cause i know different things work for different people, i hope at least one of these ideas help. i literally haven’t looked at wwda even though i really want to be writing (and i still haven’t been reading fic). sometimes our brains just don’t cooperate. and yeah, i could sit here and yell at myself and go “what the fuck boom you’ve been looking forward to writing for literal weeks and now you have time and you’re doing other stuff what is wrong with you” and sometimes it’s really tempting to give into that. but the truth is i don’t usually do as much work as i did the past few weeks on as little sleep as i got so i’m really fucking tired. and so i’m giving myself a break. and i’m just not emotionally prepared to read fic cause--oh oops i hadn’t admitted to myself until right this second that i was avoiding fic cause i’m suppressing my feelings that kinda hurt wtf this wasn’t supposed to become therapy hour wtf. but as dumb as all that feels to put, i’m not gonna delete it cause i’m sure you’re gonna read it and say something along the lines of “it’s okay to rest and wait to read/write if that’s what you need!” cause you’re a nice person. so say those things to yourself IF that’s what you need. but if you’ve been sitting in bed for weeks and don’t have any reason not to write, maybe it’s time to word vomit. or if you have a problem with your story maybe you should look at that. just, do whatever works for you but be gentle with yourself. give yourself the same kindness you give others. whenever i’m not sure how to handle something (or how to treat myself ig), i’ll ask myself how i would give advice to a friend. so maybe try that. look at yourself, your writing process, your fic like it’s a friend’s and be like hmm. what would i recommend my friend do? and if weird rambley advice that probably displays my many years of therapy is helpful to you, then know my inbox (and my messages that i swear i’ll answer some day) are always open. i’m not gonna read this over cause i know if i do i’ll be too embarrassed to post so i’m just hoping it’s helpful. much love <3

#ask a boomerang #snakefarm tag #long post

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inknose · 5 years ago

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mdzs read diary part IV, the end

It’s inspiring how much self care wwx is gonna finally get now that his husband will go along with whatever he does, so he’s gotta look out for lwj’s well being if not his own. that is emphatically the STUFF

dragging my hands down I face as I read this, after all these chapters of getting up close and personal with ghouls bleeding from every orifice, slaying ancient beasts, rebelling against the entire cultivation world, the two of them are absolutely paralyzed by middle school crush sleepover math

chicken

he actually drew kissy doodles .... he....

IDK I THINK I JUST DOCUMENTED THIS PART CUZ I WAS STILL SCREAMING you cant expect me to have very useful things to say at this point

this is torture you are both so mushy you are so GONE

This part really stood out to me, it’s an attitude I feel like wwx implies with his inner narration a few times but most clearly says here: he’s not one for allowing himself to exaggerate how bad his circumstances are/could be even a little bit - he’s already lived through some extreme low points and found a way to keep going, so he never makes sweeping statements about what he couldn’t live without (Inner JingYi: you’re supposed to say you’d be lost without him here!!!) Instead he seems to accept as a given that being alive doesn’t guarantee him any pleasantness or joy at all, and as a result his feelings toward being in TRUE LOVE are surprisingly pragmatic, but also colored with such gratitude. There are a lot of things in the novel that struck me, like this, as being just a little to the left of familiar tropes/sentiments, and were more touching for it. Whether it be the influence of culture difference as opposed to what I’m used to reading in most western romance stories, or MXTX’s unique outlook, or a combination of both, it was really refreshing and made me pause over it. Not “I can’t imagine living without you” but “I could be living without you, but instead I get to be with you and I think that’s the best thing that could happen.”

ADJFDKFJ THE UST BEING SO STRONG THAT EVEN THE VILLAIN COMMENTS ON IT IN THE MIDDLE OF EXECUTING HIS EVIL PLANS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT WILL NEVER FAIL TO MAKE ME LAUGH MY ASS OFF. hes like god damn! here I thought I had problems

it was at this moment that I realized we were doing this Now... I’m still recovering. What a scene. I am so glad I saw the most incredible fanart soon afterwards, bc the fact that someone has already drawn a perfect comic of this part means I don’t have to

I love you so much, you are so annoying, you are perfect... I like how he’s been experiencing openly requited love for all of ten minutes but he’s already figured out how to weaponize it to piss people off

doing!!! his!!! job!!!!!

ahh... it’s a really good story. JGY is a great character. One of the most interesting differences for me between drama watching vs. novel reading experience is that without an actor to bat his vulnerable doe eyes at you and smile faintly with his cute dimples, the book does not go much out of its way to try to lull the reader into a false sense of security around him or *endear* him to you the way the show does. But just by seeing events through wei wuxian’s POV, its still enough to evoke pity or understanding towards him. The overall impression is a bit more detached though, there’s less emphasis on the spectacle of how he could manipulate everyone closest to him and more of a general feeling of resigned tragedy that everyones the worst on this bitch of an earth.

I CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU FOR EVEN ONE MORE SECOND!!!!

I clearly paused to take note of less and less parts at the end & the extras due to: a) too excited to reach the end b) too spicy to photograph and c) too sleepy cuz I kept reading in the middle of the night. but I absolutely took the time for Bro We Are Teens appreciation corner:

I’d absolutely read 40 more extra chapters of their monster-of-the-week field trip antics.

god... poor Jin Ling now basically has to deal with divorced parents that talk shit about each other to him whenever he is saying with one of them. except they are both his uncles. just a disasterhood of all uncles from start to finish. AUUUGH wei wuxian and jiang cheng have fucked me up completely, I dream of them reconciling but I also REFUSE to believe it would ever be easy. let me know if theres a fanfic that absolutely tortures you for decades before they hug

HAHAHA oh no this man ain’t making it to immortality thats for damn sure. HE’S JUST GONNA TRY AS HARD AS HE CAN HIS WHOLE LIFE NOT TO LOOK AT HIM BUT THEYRE *MARRIED* SDLKFJSF ohhhh it’s too funny, like... the mundane domestic family drama IN the fantastical swords and sorcery setting is what really ratchets up these things from amusing to fucking hilarious I think

aaaa the end... final random thoughts? No not final, I would like to please keep discussing at length and exhaustively, all the time please - CQL has gotta be one of the best TV adaptations I’ve seen. ANY adaptation of anything would be lucky to be so good!! reading the novel has just made me appreciate it even more.

- I don’t think I can do justice to what I find most fascinating about comparing the two versions briefly, to do that I need to get drunk and ramble at my friends for hours but... the condensed version is something like this. Really all the significant differences between the two versions (besides the ones which can be attributed to censorship and therefore aren’t worth discussing) are a side effect of the structure of how the story is told - there’s barely anything changed arbitrarily. Aside from having a cold opening, the drama sticks to a very linear version of the story, and I think for a TV show or film, that’s probably the best way to do it. We see everything, we get shocked and tricked and betrayed and surprised along with the characters, we feel the biggest impact at the climactic scenes having experienced all the build-up. The novel on the other hand is not only much more non-linear in WHEN we learn bits and pieces of information, but that information is also obfuscated under wei wuxian’s multiple layers of Unreliable Narratoritis, which are as follows: 1) difficulty remembering things because of personality/avoiding painful memories/actual memory loss, 2) No Homo Goggles still on, and 3) a wry sense of humor that makes the reader unsure of how much they can trust his attitude toward things, especially near the beginning. The experience of reading is a puzzle the reader has to mentally piece together through all of the above listed camouflage, and the puzzle itself is a three-sided mystery: One - How Bad of a guy was Wei WuXian really, and how exactly did all the bad stuff in his life go down; Two - wangxian epic pride & prejudice gambits; Three - political murder mystery. (I love stories like this btw... though I fully admit I’m glad I watched first this time bc it might have taken me a long time to tackle otherwise.) Because of this, where the drama wants to pull you in and submerge you in all the most potent emotional parts, the novel in direct contrast deliberately side-steps around these things and asks that you hurt yourself by filling in the blanks. In fact the more intense emotions and painful memories involved, whether it be his relationship with jiang yanli, his DEATH, the darkest days of war times etc, the more the novel evasively withholds details. I actually really like both styles of storytelling but each one is obviously way better suited to its medium. ANYWAY.... THATS BASICALLY WHERE MY BRAINS AT WHILE IM READING GAY SWORD WIZARD BOOKS

- The extras are so saturated with domestic married bliss that it’s a good thing I stopped taking pictures because I’d just take a picture of every page. this is too much for me to take... I did jump the gun a few times and read a few fanfics while I was still mid-read of the book (I tried to hold out but alas I am mortal) and at one point after finishing I was like “wow what fic was it in where lwj says something cute and wwx kisses him in public but they’re in the corner of the restaurant so no one really sees... OH NO WAIT that was actually in there.” and ... and that’s the LEAST OF IT... *stares into the distance* theyre married wow

- I ofc couldn’t help but see a few vague blogs beforehand so honestly I was braced for something like, wildly ooc for the sake of porn to happen in the extras... I definitely appreciate how the incense burner porn interludes could be uhhh a lot for many people and not my personal cup of tea in terms of smut however [here follows the words of a poisonous frog who has dwelt her whole life in the rainforests of BL] the concept is also surprisingly SWEET SDFLKJF like wwx sees lan wangji’s darkest mixed-up violent teenage fantasies and he’s just like aww babe you had a crush on me!! just... good for them

- I swear I’m not gonna rehash every cute married thing they do but wei wuxian grading papers in the tub........................rEALLY GOT ME

- I want to Draw - ok thats enough if I keep going I’ll just write “wei wuxian grading papers in the tub” seven more times probably

#mdzs readthru #this obviously has many spoilers

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kinktae · 5 years ago

Note

I’m so proud of you for not only finishing the masterpiece that is Bitchin *chef kiss* but also getting the final chapter out when you were hoping. Every little win should be celebrated so make sure to give yourself some credit x

bitchin 10 asks (finally!)

thefouranemoi said: just finished bitchin! it was soooooos soooooooooo good! im a sucker for a really good slow burn but this wasn't dragged out or overly dramatic. it was perfect and im so glad y/n and jk have each other. thank you for such a series!

sadlemonboy said: i read bitch’n 10 on the bus and was trying so hard to just not cry. i was so good i love it so much. just like thank you

Anonymous said: WHAT'S WITH YARA AND TAE??? ARE THEY TOGETHER??? WILL WE EVER KNOW???

Anonymous said: Buttt just out of curiosity what happened with Yara and Taee, did they became fvckbuddies or smth

forvever-ddaeng said: STOP IM FUCKING SAD ITS OVER :( WHEN I READ “I SLEPT WITH ERIK” I WANTED TO STAB MY EYES OUT LIKE WTF BUT THE PAPER WAS HONESTLY SO FUCKING CUTE IM SO HAPPY WITH HOW THIS TURNED OUT I LOVE YOU AND YOUR BRAIN 🥺 p.s. do you think you’d ever do a drabble or epilogue where we get more of yara and tae? Totally cool if you don’t want to I was just wondering

O.O

Anonymous said: BITCHIN PART 10 WAS SO GOOD!!!! I WAS CRYING LAST MIGHT, THINKING THAT Y/N AND JK WERE JUST GOING TO PART WAYS,,,,HEKDHBFKD FUCKIN HAD ME SCARED. OMG SUCH A GOOD SERIES!!!!! I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE.

Anonymous said: AHHH I LOVED BITCHIN SO MUCH!!! This has always been one of my favorite fics right from the beginning and probably will always be one of my favorites. You did such an amazing job. I’m sad Bitchin era is over but I’m excited for whatever era that will be next:) Thank you for writing this, ILY

Anonymous said: THANK U FOR BITCHIN IT WAS AMAZING

Anonymous said: Bitchin was one wild ride 😭😭 I loved it and can’t wait for more of your rewind series 🥺💕💕

Anonymous said: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💜💜💜😩😩😩😩- my reaction to bitchin final (for now)

Anonymous said: REST IN PEACE BITCHIN AAAAKAAKK.,?!@ FOREVER IN MY HEART GOD DAMMIT I CANT STOPCRYING ARE U HAPPY ROSE DID U LIKE CRUSHING MY FEELINGS LIKE THIS OIOOHNMY GOD 😭😭😭😭

jessiejellybean said: The only thing I can say about bitchin finale is GAJSOSLALHSISSAOWLLANSHSJAKA SERIOUSLY ITS SO GOOD THIS SERIES AS A WHOLE IS UNBELIEVABLY GOOD 10/10 WOULD RECOMMEND

Anonymous said: bitchin was so good😭 i am BEYOND devastated knowing that ill no longer be getting notifs on another update🥺it was so fun to be a part of this journey consisting of having to anticipate for another part to be posted for as long a month! but never have i regretted any second of waiting bcs the result came out so well written and interesting u might as well make it into a hard copy or a movie and get paid loads🤩 keep up the good work❤️

Anonymous said: Funnily enough, you were the first EVER bts blog that I followed because I thought you were funny as hell. Then, you posted part 1 of bitchin and on god I swear I signed my life away for bitchin!jk 🤡. I've officially lived through an era 🥺🥺. I'll miss them but I'll always be the biggest yaraxtae whore 🥵💦 -♒

sydney--chan said: This might sounds totally stupid or whatever, but bitchin' means a lot to me and I'm so happy that you decided to share it with us. Not to get all sad n shit but I started reading this during a really rough period in my life. This story allowed me to forget about all the stuff that was going on, even for just a little bit. This story means so much to me and seeing it end is like making me 😭😭😭 this is the perfect story and I love you and thank you for creating such a beautiful story

Anonymous said: THAT WAS SO GOOOOOOOD the way u wrote about jungkook’s feelings tugged at my heartstrings like my heart physcially legitimately hurt ur writing was so spot on!! all the details!! Totally worth staying up even though i have class tm

Anonymous said: miss rose i just wanted to stop by and say thank you for always giving us such masterpieces. as a jk whore (ot7 whore in general but ya know) bitchin was just *chefs kiss* i literally looked forward to Sundays bc I knew there was a chance a new chapter would be posted lol. I am sad to see bitchin end but am also suuuuper excited to support your new fics and anything else you come out with. you’re the best. love ya 💕

Anonymous said: Bitchin' 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I'm going to say this for the umpteenth time... IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD. It's one of the best fanfictions out there and I'm gonna re-read it at least five more times. Thank you so much for blessing us with this bounty! Take care! 💜💜

koru-rhi said: I should really be asleep but I had to finish Bitchin & I went back and reread it from the beginning to the end and I just want you to know how much I loved it! It was a beautiful smuttyfluffyangsty ride and I can’t wait to read more of your writing! I totally lost it at Everything I Didn’t Say 😫 btw.

Anonymous said: Wow bitchin is over... what is there to look forward to now on this app :(

Anonymous said: I AM NOT CRYING, YOU ARE ALL CRYING I CNA IT THE END DNDMSM MY POOR HEART. AGHHHH SNAMAMA PLEASE,WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME. YOU ARE KILLING ME. I DON'T KNOW IF I AM SAD OR HAPPY OR BOTH.

Anonymous said: UGH! bitchin 10 was amazing *chef’s kiss* I sobbed, I felt their earnest love for each other. A real roller coaster just like my emotions rn. Ngl I sound like a middle aged white mom giving a book review 💀 anygays I just wanted to say that I love ur stories and they’re always so well written

betysotelo18 said: Bitchin'...has me in tears! For some reason I thought this was going to have smut...Who needs smut! This was PERFECT! The damn piece of paper made tears roll down my cheeks! I loved every single chapter. Thanks for sharing

deewhalien21 said: Waiting bitchin part 10 was hell, couldn’t imagine living without them now😔 I’m going to miss them, like a lot. And thank u for good memories with these people mam, thank u for making me experiencing heart break that I could never have. I’m waiting another great stories❤️😔

lalumaia said: That was just perfect, Rose. Thank you, I love you

Anonymous said: hi, bitchin was soooo good and every time you uploaded i felt so happy and excited for the next one, thank you for all your work!

Anonymous said: when i saw the warning said “angst” i was so worried they wouldn’t end up together :( thank you for this rose this was such a beautiful story and experience!!! love u lots angel

Anonymous said: ROSE HOLY SHIT THAT WAS SO GOOD !!!!!!!!

unknowntalesx said: ROSE IM CRYING WHAT THE FUCK I LOVED THAT SO MUCH MY HEART WAS BEING SQUEEZED AND TORN AND I HAD/HAVE LITERAL TEARS RUNNING DOWN MY FACE

Anonymous said: OMG CANT BELIEVE BITCHIN IS OVER 😭😭 i loved everything from the beginning till the end 💜 THANK U FOR WRITING SUCH AMAZING STORY

Anonymous said: On god bitchin is the best series I’ve ever read on this app. The ending was great too! Just sad that it’s over :( thanks for writing it

Anonymous said: FAM YOU GOT ME CRYING IN THE CLUB WITH BITCHIN PT. 10! I absolutely adore your work so much and Bitchin was absolutely beautiful and so fantastic to read. I love it and you so much! Thank you for giving us something so beautiful ❤️ P.S. now take a long break girl because you deserve it

Hi friends! I can’t even begin to explain how much every single comment/like/reblog/ask in regards to bitchin has meant to me

#ask

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concentrateandpush · 5 years ago

Text

Unfortunate timings - (Chapter 1/6)

Jackie and Dylan have been together seven years, I'm so thrilled for them as they're due their first baby any time now! It's quite sweet, Dylan was 30 when he met Jackie, she was always into men older than her, he basically took her in and looked after her since. She's never worked a day in her life. They are the perfect couple.

"Izzy, IZZY?!" I hear Jackie shout from the living room, I stay with them a lot, were really close. I go into the living room and Jackie's on the birthing ball, with her legs as far apart as possible and amniotic fluid all over her feet, "Get Dylan, he's out the garden" she orders. I run out to get him and he knows by the excitement on my face what I'm going to tell him "She's ready, let's go!".

He's been so excited to become a father, he's always been a father figure to me really.. or an older brother. Though my Dad is around, he works a lot with the business. So. for most of my teen years, he would support me with Gracie and take me to check ups and such. Gracie is my daughter, I had her when I was 13, she was born as result of rape, but she's my daughter and I love her. That's when Mom turned to drink.. when I told her that I’d been assaulted.

"Dylan, my bag, my bag" Jackie screams as I shout a clear "I've got it" holding the bag in one hand and Gracie in the other. Jackie's always wanted me to be her birthing partner, we aren’t too close to Mom. She has problems with addiction and it's difficult to be around. Dylan walks Jackie out, helping her into the car whilst I get Gracie settled in carefully. "Oooh god, please, just get me to the hospital" she moans from the passenger seat as I sit in the back. "Ohh, OOHH, there's too much pressure!" She shouts, Dylan puts his hand on her thigh and comforts her "You make as much noise as you want sweetie, it's perfectly normal".

Anyone would be jealous of their relationship, he is so supportive of her, just watching her in pain, he feels it, he looks so different when shes in pain, like it affects him. The longer the ride goes on, the less she moans, I figure it's because she's getting used to it. "Any pressure?" I ask, she nods. I've been watching her contractions and turn to Dylan and whisper "foot down, dude".

I arranged for Gracie's grandmother to watch her whilst Jackie's giving birth, her Dad decided he didn’t want to be in her life, though his Mom, Carol, chose otherwise, she's waiting in the maternity ward to take Gracie out for the next day or two.

We pull up outside the hospital and I watch Jackie get out of the car "Lean on me" I tell her as I let her hold on to me to walk. Carol meets me at the door and I tell her to get Gracie from the car, where Dylan’s watching her, when we sign in. "Hi, Jackie Arnold, we called on the way in" I tell the receptionist. The nurse comes out and takes us to the room where I help Jackie dress in to her gown. "I really need to push" Jackie moans as Dylan walks in and holds her hand gently.

The nurse checks Jackie and nods "You're an 8 sweetheart" she says calmly walks back out, I swear they were more attentive when I had Gracie. "Not long now" I smile at Jackie as I rub her bump. Dylan has this weird thing where his nose flares sometimes, it's weird and he only does it sometimes, but he's doing it now. "FUUCCKK" Jackie groans as we try to help her, but I'm fully aware there's not much we can do. "Check me.. Izzy, check my dilation, you know how this works" she shouts at me. "She just checked you" I tell her but before I finish my sentence Jackie shouts "I need to push NOW".

The nurse comes in and tries to stop her from pushing, she wont listen, "Aaaahh it burns" she moans. "Listen, Jackie, you're going to tear your cervix if you don’t listen" the nurse tells her. "Something feels wrong" she says quickly. "It’s because you're prematurely pushing" the nurse says. "No, something is wrong" she replies. I look down and I see the blood, I turn to the nurse and whisper nervously “I think she’s haemorrhaging”.

The nurse looks at me and checks Jackie again, I see her fiddling with her notes and she looks over at me “It’s my first shift” she sighs and I hit the buzzer hoping someone else can come and help. Jackie looks up at me and the nurse bites her lip before looking between her legs “just push, don’t worry about the contraction, just push” she says sternly. “This isn’t right” I sigh before running out to find a doctor.

Dylan is just stood there unknowingly to him that this is serious. "Jackie, change positions, this isn’t working" the nurse orders. "I cant.. I.." Jackie says before she falls unconscious and I come back in with a doctor. The blood is pouring and I turn to Dylan nodding as the Doctor takes her away to perform an emergency C-Section. The nurse looks up at us guiltily before another official comes in and calls for her to go out to the hall.

The nurse comes out with the baby, she's a girl, she's beautiful. "Dad" she hands Dylan his brand new daughter. "Could we talk in here?" She asks the two of us and we get up and walk in, I put my hand on Dylan’s arm in a protective, maternal way, rubbing gently until we’re in there. We sit down and Dylan says excitedly "When can I see my wife?!". The doctors face was enough for me to know what was going on, I feel nauseous to the point I think I’m about to throw up. I start to tear up and shake my head a little.. Not my sister, Not Jackie.

"Dylan" I turn with tears running down my face. "What?" He snaps, I think he knows, I think he wants to avoid it. "Unfortunately, we were unable to save your wife Mr Arnold, she haemorrhaged and suffered a lot of blood loss, then went into shock. But, she passed peacefully" the doctor says but Dylan interrupts "NO, not Jackie, no, she cant be gone, she-" he breaks down crying holding his little girl. I know I have to be strong for him.

I kneel down and touch his knee "Dylan, its gonna be okay, I know how difficult-" he cuts me off "fuck off, just leave me alone, my wife, shes my wife". Dylan smashes things when he freaks out so I look at him in the eye and take baby from him as he runs off through the hospital, I sit in the office as I hear him punching walls on his way out. “I’m so sorry, he.. he hits things when he’s upset, never people, just things, he.. I don’t know. Are you sure she’s gone?” I ask crying hard and watch the Doctor as he nods apologetically.

I sit in the oversized hospital chair crying into my nieces pink blanket. "Are you going to be okay? Miss.." I cut the doctor off "Garcia", "Miss Garcia" he corrects himself. "I doubt it, though, I think there’s other people needing more support than me right now" I say softly before baby starts crying. I get up to rock her and the Doctor says "She wanted to name her, she decided on Maya" he smiles. I smile back and nod “Maya sounds about right”.

An hour has gone past and Dylan calmed down and came back to the room, foot tapping. "Maya?" He asks "That was my Mom’s name" he breaks down crying. I hold him as he cries and he nuzzles into me, "I'm here" I assure him. "Is Maya safe to leave?" I ask. The doctor says "Yes of course, there are some leaflets out on the-" I cut him off "Its okay, I have a 3 year old, I've done this before" I smile as he looks at me judging my age.

Once we’re at the car, Dylan attempts a few times to put the car seat in, but the isofix isn’t clicking into place. "Here" I push it in once and it clicks, he looks so low "Were in this together" I smile softly. "You'll never be her Mom" he snaps and then holds his head in his hands crying "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry". "Go sit down, I've got this." I tell him, knowing I can only make his day worse by telling him I'm pregnant.

#birth #pregnancy #longterm #chapterone #giving birth #childbirth

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iwannawritepls · 4 years ago

Text

Writing Update 05

Guess who finished. guess. go on guess. That’s right it was me!!

It was pretty intense because my playlist had finished and so I was sat feverishly typing the last paragraph out in silence and then when I went round for the final spell check I was listening to Achilles Come Down by Gang of Youths and it finished as I finished and it was a moment.

So so so. in total we have

69069 words (nice) and 102 pages spread over 23 chapters and 5 parts. I can actually go into the plot and stuff now too because I know what that is from start to finish. I won’t go into that here I’ll just talk about the last chapters. Buckle up this ones gonna be long.

Whence last we left off there were 17 chapters and now there’s twenty-three. Chapter seventeen also has an actual name too so yay.

Chapter 17 – Pinches of Catgut

Chapter 18 – Yours Forever, Echo

Chapter 19 – Ink’s Tarnish

Chapter 20 – Red Room

Chapter 21 – Crosshatched Scars

Chapter 22 – Chasing Sundust

Chapter 23 – Amen

Chapter 17 originally is now what chapter 18 and chapter 23 isn’t really an epilogue but it also is y’know? Like the last two chapters are the endings in their own right (I say as if I didn’t stop reading The Darkest Minds seven pages from the end)

But c’est la vie!

Chapter 16 (I can finally explain this stuff woo) we had the fallout to the guy’s being told they have to pay the devil – who isn’t really the devil and is actually a god in his own right but that’s beside the point – back for everything he’s done for them. this one focuses on Valentine and Albert having a bit of a moment where I realised ‘oh gosh everyone is a foil to everyone oh gosh’

Chapter 17 is kinda the same but from William and Basil’s side where they have their own conversation about who Will killed Charlie by accident….yeah…William is still baby he just killed someone that’s fine. This is fine.

Chapter 18 is where shit hits the fan because oh my god James is back!!!!! Idk if I mentioned this but James is Enoch’s dead bf who wasn’t dead at all and I’ve been hinting at it the entre god damned book. I almost didn’t include it but after a talk with one of my friends I realised that James’ being alive would bring in more tea than ever before and well,,,,,,why wouldn’t I?

Oh yeah James also tells Enoch that everyone is coming to find them.

The way I'm explaining this seems like stuff just happens, but I swear I do add threads throughout! I'm just disjointed in my thought process.

Chapter 19 is the beginning of the end. We have a rush to pack as they’re trying to get out and they would have more help from James but Basil doesn’t trust James, Enoch is drunk, William has lost a lot of blood and both Al and Valentine had been asleep so they’re slow and groggy and it’s raining because England and winter and the coast is just a great combination.

Enoch and James end up going ahead cus people are getting close and they need to get their stuff away from there. There were three cases left to tie but they didn’t have time so while James and Enoch go ahead the others are carrying the last three cases to the docks so they can tie and run.

Chapter 20 is where Enoch wraps his beef with Aristide up. kinda. He originally planned on just saying goodbye but then stuff happens and he feels bad for Aristide so he just gives him to the devil without the murder part of it.

Chapter 21 valentine kills his uncle and gets closure™

Chapter 22 this chapter is so good. I love it, I love it so much. I'm still kinda feeling funky about it because its got a flashback and the rest of the book hasn’t got anything exactly like this – unless you consider the small titbit in chapter 17 a flashback. But I really delve into Sebastian’s psyche and before then I kinda hated Sebastian but it feels like he's had a whole ass character arch and I love it. I really love this chapter so much.

And finally chapter 23 is them running and the last of the setup for the next book

I want to include memes but they’re all old stuff. If I have anything new, I’ll insert it if not I’ll keep 5 random facts about the boy’s as my transition.

Albert

When he was a bab he wanted to meet keats before he realised the mans is dead.

Can write in shorthand in both Russian and English just so long as he doesn’t focus too hard on it

Albert is his middle name, Lyonya is his first name

Is a cat person.

Orders the same meal at every restaurant even if they don’t serve it. if they don’t serve it he has a tiny crisis.

Also defo has one of the others order for him

Basil

Defo a gifted and talented student if he was alive today

He's technically an accountant and low key enjoys it

Can fight but is a pacifist by choice

Skipped class once and got bored and never did it again

When they were still at school he would look after the groups deeds to land and do all the legal stuff for them because they had no clue. He still has all of Valentine’s papers and so could technically steal valentines land and nobody would care.

Enoch

Isn’t gay is actually bisexual

Is really good at science but just doesn’t care about it

He ate leek and potato soup exclusively for three weeks on a dare

Once played Mercutio and tripped on stage. Managed to hide it pretty well but hasn’t lived it down.

Would live in an old theatre if he could just for the aesthetic and bragging rights

Valentine

His family is of German heritage

Bakes as a stress relief but gets hyper focused on one thing for ages (tarts is the big one of the year)

Is the mum of the group but wouldn’t ever admit it

Cannot do maths for shit. or much else. He can just speak a lot and paint.

It’s a continuous joke irl and in novel universe that he’s called Valentine, but his birthday is on February 15th because his parents thought it was still February 14th when he was born.

William

Allergic to honey but would eat it anyway

Joined classes three years after everyone else

Is the only one in the group that understands people

Has a really bad centre of gravity and falls over a lot

He's 6’7

Bonus – a wild Sebastian appeared.

Acts 50 is 20

Is just brine

In a constant state of identity crisis

Was he born or did he just appear fully formed? Nobody knows

Always stuck as Benvolio. No matter what. forever. He hates it.

Excerpts! –

“you are a walking disaster.” Basil sighed

“I'm your favourite disaster though.” He could hear the smile in Enoch’s voice.

I just like these lines. Nothing too deep just thought they were funny.

Basil placed a hand on his knee hoping the rain could drown out what the music that followed William could not.

My mans being a supportive friend

He finished pulling the manuscript together and reached for the box Albert kept all his current writings in. it was a small box with darker patches between the broken veins where ink had spit and flowed between the cracks.

i have nothing to say about this

They only had real tenderness with some of the fragile things. A school given copy of A Midsummer Night's Dream, a book by a man called Sashenka Potemkin, teacups with still blooming meadows painted onto them, a book about a monastery, a violin case that had nail marks embedded into the leather, an easel.

Y’know keepsakes are Important but if you’re running shouldn’t you pack light? Probably but these guys are sentimental bastards

The shops were alive with people, the two pubs were open and selling even the tailoress was in business. He wasn’t entirely surprised; worms came out during a storm. They thrived when the squawking of the gulls had disappeared.

We live in a society – Enoch 2019

The gate yielded under his hand, the closest he got to acceptance in the high walls. It seemed colder once he’d walked into the threshold, urging him towards the sickening feeling of unbelonging that sat in his gut. It made him want to turn away and never come back some of the time. How much he didn’t belong there.

Sebastian is yearning™

Basil reached into Albert’s pocket and pulled the crocus out. Albert didn’t react as he did so. he stared at it twirling it between his fingers staring at the petals and their untarnished glory despite having been used to kill them all at least once.

And while that isn’t the last line that’s the end of this. I'm taking a break from beginning anything big and while I want to move onto writing Adalius, Ariane and Adionis’ story I’ll wait for a moment before I do. just because I cant bring myself to think about how I'm starting this yet.

Anyway. That means no updates for at least 3 weeks. I know you’re all distraught. But yeah.

I hope you have a good day.

Thanks for reading this!

BYEEE!

#writing update #i finished something #its the end of an era #i miss my boys already #gosh #whats next #i dont know #i wanna take a nap #im gonna take a nap #thanks for reading this #and all of these #writingupdate #and i love my boys #sisyphus update

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darkfairy-tales · 4 years ago

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100 Degrees

Chapter Four (Final)

Hongjoong groans as he banged his head lightly on the table. Yeosang looked at his friend with a raised eyebrow. "You okay?" He asks. "Of course not. I want Yunho. I miss Yunho. It has been 4 fucking months. Do you think he forgot about me?" Hongjoong asks. He almost felt like crying at the thought. "I am sure he haven't." Yeosang says trying to comfort his friend. Hongjoong was about to whine again but was interrupted by Seonghwa and Wooyoung. "Did you heard? About the new transfer students?" Wooyoung asked excitedly. Hongjoong furrowed his brows. "New students? But like in the middle of the year?" He asked. "Well I know it's unusual but then it's not impossible." Seonghwa shrugs. Hongjoong nods as he leaned back down, sighing.

The bell rang shortly signalling that the class was going to start soon. Students in the class shuffled around and sat down in their designated seats. The teacher came in after a while. Hongjoong could see that the teacher had brought the new students with him. He couldn't see the faces of the students but he could see them standing outside. "Okay class. We are going to have 3 new students in the class. I hope you all will treat them nicely." He says then turning to signal the new students to come in. Hongjoong's breath hitched when he saw the three males walk inside. There stood Mingi, Yunho and San. Yunho looks around his eyes finally falling on Hongjoong. He smiled brightly.

Hongjoong was in a daze. His mind filled with questions? He felt like crying out of happiness. If the teacher and his classmates weren't there he would have run up to Yunho. He missed the taller too much. The three introduces themselves. San and Mingi was then assigned to sit together side by side. While Yunho went to sit just behind Hongjoong beside Wooyoung. "Oi bro you are Hongjoong's boyfriend right?" Wooyoung asked in a low voice. Yunho looks at him nodding happily. Hongjoong was frozen in his seat. Yunho smiled seepishly looking at the back of his small lover. The teacher opened his book and started teaching. But Hongjoong was lost in a daze the whole class. And also in other classes after that.

It was almost lunch time. 4 classes were already done. The bell rang loudly signalling that it was lunch break. After the teacher closed his book and walked out every students groaned standing up. Some walking out and some staying in. Hongjoong was about to turn around and speak to Yunho but stopped when he saw the popular girl of the class approached Yunho, her minion following her. "Hi. I an Mirae. It is nice to meet you. You are really handsome." She said in a sickly sweet tone. Hongjoong swears he felt Yeosang cringe beside him. "Uh Hi." Yunho says feeling awkward. "Wanna go out with me?" Mirae asks smirking confidently. Yunho raised his head at her words. He was about to answer something but Hongjoong cut in.

"How about you stay the fuck away from my boyfriend?" Hongjoong says calmly. "What? Your what? Boyfriend?" Mirae asks laughing thinking Hongjoong was lying. "Yes. Go find a boyfriend of your own." Hongjoong says standing up and facing the girl. "How about you go away Kim Hongjoong. And stop lying. Yunho would never date someone like you." One of Mirae's minion spoke up. Hongjoong sighed at her words. "I didn't wanted to do this. But you asked for it." he said pushing Mirae away but not too hard. He leaned down kissing Yunho. The taller tensed up for a second but kissed back holding the back of Hongjoong's head. Mingi and others hollering. Mirae huffed and walked way leaving them. Yunho giggled into the kiss. "You are so cute." he said when they pulled away from the kiss.

Yunho received a smack on his chest making him flinch. "You tall giant idiot! Did you know how much I missed you! YOU DIDN'T EVEN TOLD ME YOU WERE COMING! I THOUGHT YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME." Hongjoong fumed feeling tears in his eyes. Yunho pulled the smaller into his arms, hugging him. "I am sorry baby. I wanted this to be a surprise. And also I will never forget about you. You are too precious for me to just forget." He said. They pulled away from their hug, the taller leaning down to place a peck on the smaller's lips. Seonghwa coughed. "If you perhaps forgot we all are here. And waiting for you to finish this emotional and fluff talk." He said. "I am hungry." Mingi said. Hongjoong huffed at them. "Fine fine. Let's go." He said. All 8 of them walked out of the classroom and towards the cafeteria. Hongjoong walked beside Yunho, holding hands. "I am glad you came." He shyly says smiling up at the taller. Yunho smiled at him squeezing the smaller's hand lightly. "I will come back to you no matter where I go. You are my home Joongie." Yunho says and Hongjoong swears that Jeong Yunho might just be the best blessing he can ever get and he sure as hell was never going to stop loving the taller.

Previous Chapter

Hello people! SORRY so SORRY for not uploading but my god I got stuck in a sense. Well exams started. It sucked I barely find time to write this. My exam hasn't even ended I wanna cry. It's gonna end on 5th October. I cant wait for this stupid exam to just get over.

Anyways! I hope you liked this chapter. This is the final hehe. I am so happy. This story really got me happy. Thanks to Sunwoo covering "100 Degress" it gave me this idea!

Don't forget to like this and reblog! Thank you for all the support. Love you alll. You can check out my other stories too! Bye bye ❤❤❤

#ateez fluff #ateez scenarios #ateez #ateez hongjoong #ateez yunho #ateez yeosang #ateez mingi #ateez san #ateez seonghwa #ateez jongho #ateez wooyoung #ateez fanfic

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loudest-subtext-in-tv · 6 years ago

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A Study in Fate teaser

Here’s the first 2200 words of a novel-length fanfic that I’ll finish sometime this year. It’s a WiP on an atypical schedule: At a later date I’ll release the rest of the first chapter, but then I’ll release everything else all at once.

Some authors don’t like if you hassle them to hurry up, but I may find it motivating. I’m going to attempt to get better at answering my asks/comments so feel free to ask me things about this fic, but keep in mind there’s a lot of things I won’t answer. Please be aware that no one cares if you don’t like first person perspective.

Though a big aspect of this story is about how to manage depression, it starts in a relatively dark place and weaves in and out of it. If you can’t handle unresolved distant thoughts of suicide right now, maybe wait until the entire story is posted.

Finally, I am doing okay financially right now, but two of my fandom friends are not. If you’ve ever wanted to give me money, I now have a Patreon. Anything you give me will help me help them.

Description: After the events of The Empty Hearse, Sherlock struggles to figure out who he is now that John no longer seems willing to play a prominent role in his life. As his mind runs in circles trying to parse their relationship and determine who threw John in the bonfire, his world is shattered by an enigmatic visitor: himself, bearing bad news from the future.

Series 3 time travel remix; series 4 compatible.

Tags and warnings: first person present, agonizing slow burn, explicit but romantic, depression, suicidal ideation, NOT FLUFF, self-actualization

Read on AO3 or under the cut:

Chapter One - The Curtain Rises

One can’t get far without an organizing principle. Every man needs one drive to which all others are subordinate, a touchstone that seizes him with purpose.

I had one once.

Now I have chips.

Dreadful organizing principle, chips: once you’ve got them, there’s nothing propelling you forward anymore. Have enough of them and you hardly want to move at all. God. I was in the best shape of my life, body and mind, and now I’m turning into Mycroft.

Except Mycroft has already transcended these struggles — or so he claims. Yet again, I’m lagging behind on a path I never wanted to follow. Splendid.

Any moment Mrs Hudson will come out and start chattering away about you. That will set me back the rest of the day, yet I won’t ascend the stairs. Does no part of my mind demand control of my brain stem? I’m meant to be some kind of genius: Any visionary corner of my psyche eager to make something of me? No takers?

No. Life is now nothing more but the wandering of here to there. And thoughts like that are why everyone thinks I’m a baby, so for god’s sake stop.

I am all too stopped.

Depression is a dowsing rod: shows you where to dig. So: Why do I halt here, at the bottom of the stairs? Why can’t I face the only place I’ve ever belonged?

It’s not merely that you don’t live here anymore. Not quite. That would be too easy.

Where are you wandering now, John? You got off work an hour ago. No one's called to alert me you've been kidnapped, so there's one thing I didn't miss today.

Still figuring that out, darling. Off my game. Maybe was never on it. Against my better judgment I let romance rot my mind, and you're the one who's suffered most. But I've recovered from less noble chemical weaknesses than your company. Against all odds I still draw breath. If I make myself do nothing else, I will turn this around. I'll prove you can rely on me.

Any threatening emails? You don't just attempt to incinerate a man and move on. For god's sake, give me something.

Oh. A text. Not a threat; a video from the homeless network. Must have been delayed whilst I was on the tube.

There you are, alive and unwell, and here responds my heart but it's nothing. Mere streets away from me, and nowhere near her flat. Why do you do this, John? Is your phone broken? We could just talk about this. Give me another chance and I swear I won't come on so strong. I was too presumptuous when we last spoke weeks ago. I broke your heart, I'm monstrous; you're no longer fond. I get it.

You're no longer fond, but you're in need of a hit. Which is curious, you realize. You understand how a man would get the impression... But no. I won't presume. Life is boring and I'm dangerous and bless you, you need a hit. Just come get one. I'll pretend I'm managing, I'll find a way to switch on that whole persona for you and you can do your hero worship thing. I won't act desperate.

Just show up, and I will respect your wishes.

Do anything but pensively stop on the sidewalk in front of shops you have no intention of entering. It just screams, I'm distracted! Kidnap me! It's been an age and I know you despise me, but if you keep doing this I'm going to have to conduct surprise drills again.

Maybe you're trying to get kidnapped. I wouldn't put it past you. Maybe it would be charity to send a car around for you to blithely climb into. Do you even think about how that would make Mary feel, John?

Of course, it's me you're thinking about right now. The tension in your posture, the unconscious clenching of your hand, the conflict evident on your face even from this distance: definitely me.

You know, I wasn't the only one who presumed. The papers presumed, the entire British populace presumed, even your sister presumed and surely she'd -- No matter. You've made yourself clear. Just: spare a thought for "the best thing that's ever happened" to you. I've no talent for consoling women on my best days, and I'd hate to see how I'd fare in a worse state than her.

No, I don't know that. I don't know that I love you more than she does. She's never broken your heart.

Oh. Wait, why...? For god's sake, Pilar, why would you approach him? He'll notice.

Well. Can't complain about seeing your eyes more clearly. Not good for my recovery. And there, yes, you've noticed. Paranoia in full swing, hackles raised, and a step forward. 'Can I help you?' in your usual tone that fashions a threat from etiquette.

Not good for my recovery, no. The things you do to my blood, John.

'Got a pound?'

'For someone recording me?' You scoff, narrow your eyes. 'Are you...?'

'Say, aren't you John Watson?' Oh, clever girl. Look at him, pretending he's not pleased to be recognized.

Yet nothing is ever simple with you, John.

'Yeah.' You're either too smart or too suspicious for your own good. (Freud would presume. I'm only saying.) 'Did he...?' You look directly at the camera; at me.

Come on! You assume it’s me? When roaming bands of criminals have set you aflame? Oh here we go, that spark in your eye -- you're going all in:

'Did you put her up to this?'

Oh well.

'Who? What makes you say that, sir?'

'Uh, well he does it all the time.' I don't. 'You know what? Just send it to him.'

'Not sure what you mean, sir.'

'Oh,' you laugh, 'you're not sure what I mean. Stop bloody recording me.'

And that's the end of that.

So. Guess you won't be coming over this week either. Or will you? Are you angry enough to confront me? It's not stalking when it's for your own protection -- just ask my brother, John. God knows he could use the conversation.

I’ve got to find more discreet operatives.

> Next time don't be so obvious.

When did she send this? Ten minutes ago. No, if you were going to come over, you would have arrived by now.

I suppose you’ve already said everything you have to say. But not even a text for stalking, John? I thought we had a connection.

Or we did. Before Moriarty won.

Not your fault. All mine. I underestimated him, failed to foresee the lengths to which he'd go for his insane plan. Didn't realize how many pieces he'd put on the board. Stupid.

A ping:

i thought youd like it? before you whinged you cant hardly see him

It was only supposed to be months, John. Then dozens of pulled threads later and you'd already gone and shacked up with a woman! That's what I get for being thorough.

And not even thorough enough. But if I wasn't thorough enough then neither was MI6, John. If Moriarty still had operatives in London, that's on Mycroft. And me. But definitely on Mycroft.

I don't know. Hate not knowing.

Are we really never going to talk about this? I took down an international crime syndicate for you, and you broke up with me on your blog?

No, no -- sorry. I take full responsibility.

This is ridiculous. I don't know why anyone comes to me to solve their problems. I can't even make it up the stairs.

Ah.

That's it, isn't it? I don’t live up there anymore, either.

Yes. Everyone says you can find Sherlock Holmes just up those stairs, back from the dead and cleverer than ever! Like most things everyone says, it’s not true. I search for him in these rooms daily, and all the evidence points to this: Sherlock Holmes was a character created by John Watson. An exciting story. A fairy tale. (Dare I say a fantasy?)

People will believe anything you tell them, John, and they did. You were so sure I was a hero that even I came to believe it in the end. Now they only keep believing it because I lied. I was never steps ahead, never as infallible as you made me out to be -- and now that you've quit writing me I'll never be anyone at all.

But I'm doing it again. Getting histrionic. I'm not the first nobody to have his heart broken. They all get on with life.

Well: usually. Technically speaking, the most invested ones turn to murder or suicide. On the upside, murder is still in the cards: Assuming I can pull it together long enough to hunt down the appropriate parties, they are murderers and it would be doing the world a favor to murder them right back. In the course of any such investigation there will tend to arise situations in which I would have no choice but to murder them -- or, fortune willing, sacrifice myself so that you may live. Or both! Now that would be a power play: cleanse the board of evil, preserve the king. The ideal way to die may yet fall into my lap.

It's nice to have things to look forward to.

But say it doesn't pan out. Given my recent track record it would be foolish to place undue faith in my forecasting abilities, and after all, I don't know for certain this has anything to do with Moriarty's network. He pulled so many rugs out from under me I'm always half expecting yet another rug. I may grow as paranoid as you, John, with him skulking about in my head. For all I know everyone involved was in Moran's network, and I'm chasing after people who are already in custody. Maybe there's no grand end, no power plays, no relief.

That leaves suicide.

I'm not saying I will, John. I refuse to break your heart again. And it would be no way to honor the lengths to which you've gone to preserve my life. They're mere thoughts. They come and go -- always have, and I always haven't. I'm not going to do it, and if I am, I can always do it later.

But no appealing alternative has revealed itself. Only the obvious path for the invested: live like everyone else, and finally sever myself from aspiring to anything meaningful or exciting. Growing up, they call it.

Freud called it repression, so let's hold off on drastic measures. I made this life work before and I can make it work again.

Of course, that was easy for Freud to say: Being invested in life isn't an exercise in masochism when you have a lifelong companion. Not to be maudlin, John, but I wasn't making it work until you came along. Not truly. You were the gear that made it all click. I couldn't become Sherlock Holmes until you facilitated it.

It felt like the strength you granted me persisted during our years apart, but it's no surprise I drifted off course the moment you weren't at my side. That's not superstitious, John, that’s just a cold fact. You would have caught the little things I didn't. You would have kept my ego in check.

But what's done is done. I'll muster some strength for you. Reinvent myself again. Reorder my mind, keep myself off the needle and the pavement until I tie up these loose ends. Then... who knows.

Maybe someone else will come along.

Well. Feels good to laugh.

I’ve got to get on with it. Life may be a flight of uncarpeted stairs, but I'm sick of being down here.

'Going out, dear? John didn't call, did he?'

Will I always be this damned slow?

I sigh loudly, not that it will make any difference. 'No, and no.' You scowl like you do when I talk about him. 'Just getting in.'

You frown. 'But we were just talking.'

My heart leaps. 'You and John?'

'No, silly.' My heart falls. You tilt your head; smile. 'You and me.'

'You were talking. I was out.'

You shake your head and laugh, a cheery, infuriating tinkle. 'You had quite a lot to--'

'Mrs Hudson.' For god's sake, do not go senile on me. Not one more straw.

'Is it drugs, dear?' Terrible, hushed pity. Everyone always leaps straight to drugs! 'Oh don't get angry, I know all the signs! The nerve of him, putting you in this state. I'd say a few things to him, if only he'd come around once in a--'

Anything has got to be better than this.

'Project much?' The stairs are fine two at a time.

'I need those for my hip!’

'Adjust your dose! You're clearly...’ What?

What in the world?

'That would explain so much,' he says, and the room tilts.

Through the door. There I am. There he is.

Sherlock Holmes.

End notes:

In The Lying Detective, Sherlock tells Faith that chips are “the only perk” of being suicidal. In The Empty Hearse, he was eating chips when Mary told him John had been kidnapped.

John’s most recent blog entry before this story takes place is The Empty Hearse. It’s a mindfuck minefield for poor Sherlock, but we’ll get into that more soon. For now, know it contains this doozy: “Oh, and in other news, I’ve got engaged. But, it’s not something I’m really going to talk about much here. I want to keep some things private. I will say, though, she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Sorry, Sherlock :)”

I borrowed the name Pilar from Sherlock Holmes and the Baker Street Irregulars: The Fall of the Amazing Zalindas, a novel by Tracy Mack and Michael Citrin. I’ve never read it, mind, it just seems like it wouldn’t be the sort of thing Sherlock would assign to Wiggins, and Wiggins would never be so sloppy.

Sherlock is obsessed with Freud. One Freud reference in The Abominable Bride, which was constructed entirely from Sherlock’s drugged out brain, came from Mycroft, who asked John if he was aware of theories of paranoia. Freud believed paranoid people were closeted homosexuals, heavily insinuating that Sherlock believes John is a closeted homosexual. Freud meta to come later; he’s very important.

Freud was with his wife for 57 years.

“Life is a flight of uncarpeted stairs” is from the poem “Spring” by the early 20th century queer poet Edna St. Vincent Millay. She ended up dying of a heart attack that made her fall down the stairs, which is itself poetic. Though she was a woman, I think it’s realistic Sherlock would know about her: the Casebook notes that Sherlock reads the agony aunt columns in women’s magazines because they contain all of life and are pertinent to his line of work, and in the same spirit I’ve made him familiar with all old famous love letters, for which she’s renowned. We also know Sherlock is familiar with Shakespeare and moved enough to remember entire soliloquies, so there’s no way Sherlock could read “Spring” and not retain some of it — especially as John and Mary had been aiming for a spring wedding, and the poem references April, which is just wrapping up as the fic begins.

#tjlc #johnlock #fanfic #my fanfic #A Study in Fate #this was a nightmare to format on an iPhone

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