#i swear ill go back to posting my normal fandom shit

[hyacinthmenace]

[blackjackkent]

Jaheira is Not a Deadbeat

I am, as always, deeply in love with the kids' ambient dialogue while waiting for Jaheira to come inside. And it's time for me to have Opinions.

FIG: I saw her! I swear! RION: Are you sure? Maybe it was just a laborer holding a shaggy grey mop! FIG: Be serious, Rion! Who puts braids on a mop?

FIG: She'll be here any second. Maybe she's sneaking! RION: Doubtful. We'd hear her knees cracking.

And of course my favorite:

RION: Enough, Fig. There's no point getting your hopes up. She'll be back when she's back. FIG: You don't think she will! RION: I know she will. But we'll wait a little longer, if you like.

😭😭😭😭

Rion absolutely knew perfectly well what she was supposed to do from Jaheira's instructions. She just didn't want to. She's been hanging on to the desperate belief that Jaheira was going to walk through the door and make it unnecessary - and, as it turned out, she was right.

OK, fuck it, I'm doing a post about this now. :P

Despite what the Tumblr BG3 fandom would have you believe, Jaheira is not a "deadbeat mom." Is she a parent with emotional constipation issues and way too much time at work? Sure. But so are plenty of other parents on both Toril and Earth. It's SUPER clear from the way all the kids (including Rion) talk to and about her that they LOVE her and she has been an enduring presence in their lives, and that her recent disappearance was both unusual and devastating. 

There are books she reads the kids up in the bedroom! Fig is so excited to announce she's back, indicating that the absence is not a normal occurrence! Jhessem has convinced herself they share a bloodline! Jord got to go to the market with her as a boy! These are not the circumstances of children who do not give a shit about their parent or vice versa!

The devnotes about Jord’s conversation in particular do not show a picture of a man with ill-will towards a mother who felt it customary to abandon him:

JORD: I tended to it. I just let it... thrive in its own independence. You know, same way you raised us. (Devnote: Well meant potshot at his mother, no malice in it) JAHEIRA: I raised you to be a sweet and kind boy. What happened? JORD: I watched what you did instead of listening to what you said. (Devnote: Amused, gently mocking his mother) JORD: This house has taken in a lot of children over the years. Mother dear was sometimes more commander than, well... mother dear. (Devnote: Smiling, explaining why he and Jaheira trade barbs. No criticism, just understated affection)

It is, perhaps, worth noting at this point as well that Jord - and Rion, and Fig, and even Jhessem - speak with that teasing, mocking tone towards Jaheira… but so does she - towards the people she cares most about, including you as the player. The kids are acting as they have learned, and words like this can and should easily be read as gestures of affection. And they clearly trust Jaheira enough to bring this playful rudeness to the fore without fear of it being misconstrued or turning into hostility.

And if they are like Jaheira in this way, they’re also not going to be comfortable showing the real depth of their feelings in front of you, the player character - who is fundamentally a stranger who has just walked into their house. Why would they? Jaheira clearly doesn’t; indeed, even her more serious conversation with Rion only takes place outside where even the other children aren’t listening. 

Perhaps most significantly, I truly don’t understand how anyone can interact with Tate for even a moment and think that Jaheira does not have a deep, if often unspoken, bond with the kids she raises:

JAHEIRA: I hope you were hibernating, little cub, I can’t think of another reason you wouldn’t come down to say hello. TATE: Jaheira! I d-didn’t… didn’t w-want to see if you were r-really dead. They said… JAHEIRA: Who said? TATE: Jord and Rion. They didn’t think I c-could hear… JAHEIRA: You little sneak-thief. Well, they were wrong. Look! Not dead! I just… had a few adventures.

She is so soft and gentle with him in a way that she is with no one else, a way that indicates that she knows him and how his personality is different from the others. And he in turn has clearly been utterly devastated by the idea that she might be gone.

Take, as well, the evidence provided by Minsc when he is present in these conversations! There’s plenty of evidence to indicate the degree to which Minsc is guided by Jaheira’s behavior - to the degree that a doppelganger wearing her face was the key ingredient to binding him temporarily into the Cult of the Absolute. And Minsc - far more comfortable with emotion than Jaheira, at least in some ways - is clearly very affectionate with the kids as well:

FIG: STAND ON YOUR LIVER! MINSC: It is stand and *deliver*, little Fig. Though I think I like yours better. You bellow like a true berserker!

JHESSEM: A fine day to you, saer. Are you known to this court PLAYER: Eh? JHESSEM: Ugh - play along, would you? MINSC: Lord Boo is most pleased to make your acquaintance, my lady! Word of your grace has spread far and wide among the hamster houses. (Devnote: Swooping in to preserve the child's make-believe after the player ruined it.) JHESSEM: Enchanted!

MINSC: Boo is also very well! And happy to see *you*, Rion. RION: And I him. Enough that I’ll let him keep his lumbering, sweaty steed inside.

Would Minsc have taken it upon himself to have such a comfortable relationship with these children if Jaheira did not? I doubt it. He’d be friendly, certainly, but this familiarity goes a great deal beyond that.

And as for Rion herself - it's definitely reasonable to assume that she's had a strained relationship with Jaheira as she's grown older. (I have a lot of headcanons about this for my specific worldstate canon, but even just sticking to the game canon, it definitely seems like that's the case.) But leaving aside that - can you blame her for being upset at this particular moment?

As far as Rion knows, her mom was recently emotionally devastated for an indeterminate reason. (Minsc's apparent death. None of the kids are surprised to see him arrive, so clearly none of them knew he was supposed to be dead - but also there's no way that Jaheira didn't look afterwards like someone hollowed her out from the inside.) Then, without further explanation, she disappeared for what appears to have been several months (again, clearly not standard procedure), and after weeks of no contact, sends a seven-word message indicating she is about to die.

How exactly is Rion supposed to feel at this moment? This is an incredibly emotionally fraught circumstance, and if it's precisely representative of her overall relationship with Jaheira I will eat my hat.

Also - much is made by the game, by Rion, and by the fandom about that seven-word message, but if you try to chastise Jaheira about it, she gives further context:

PLAYER: Only seven? That’s cold, Jaheira. JAHEIRA: The cleric who cast the Sending was wounded. Should I have sobbed on her shoulder?

Jaheira was caught in a no-win situation. Trapped in the Shadowlands, a terrifying ordeal all by itself, with a gaggle of Harpers she had to protect, many of whom had apparently been injured by their encounter with Ketheric Thorm. If the only cleric she had access to was wounded, this was before they reached Last Light and met Isobel. 

Jaheira had ZERO reason to hope at this point - but she also still felt her own inescapable responsibility towards the people under her command. To send a longer and more emotional message would have been to put strain on her injured comrade and also risk making it very clear that she felt the situation was hopeless. The Harpers very well might have broken and scattered, condemning themselves - and, frankly, many others, given their crucial contributions to the final Act 2 fight - to death.

And then she lives, against all her own expectations, and returns to the city. And her dialogue reflects her conflict over this fact as well: 

JAHEIRA: I have given you much reason to think that Harpers hoard secrets like precious stones. But I promise you, this was not some intrigue. Just, ah… plain and simple foolishness. As if by keeping clear of my family, I might keep them clear of the cult in turn. And if this fight were to go against us, well… they had already done their mourning. Why visit it on them twice?

She then goes on to discuss the city and her place in it - and relates it directly back to her kids as well.

JAHEIRA: I was wrong to think I could keep my children from this fight. They’re Baldurian born and bred - the only damned reason I root myself in this place. This city is a cesspit. An open sewer of the soul, that taints us with its filth and churns us out when all that is good has been stripped away. It also happens to be their home - and so it is mine. Ugh. That might be the first time I have said that out loud.

If Jaheira wanted to disappear and leave her kids to handle themselves, she would have done it a long time ago. It wouldn’t be hard; she is fully capable of vanishing into the wilderness never to be seen again - and in truth, there’s every reason to believe she would be considerably happier to do so… except that it would mean leaving her children behind. They “root” her in Baldur’s Gate despite all of her previous inclinations and everything that comes naturally to her, and everything she does is guided ultimately by the need to protect the city because it is their home.

And that, my friends, is love, a love that she shows even if she does not know how to voice it.

TLDR: Jaheira's absence in the Shadowlands was definitely not a normal occurrence, and her kids clearly love her deeply and were devastated by her apparent disappearance. That she is a woman who keeps herself far too busy with work and has no idea how to express her own strong feelings does not, has not, and never will make her a "deadbeat."

[ashdumpsterpile]

ASH’S TMA HURT/COMFORT/FLUFF REC LIST 

For the gays. (And @damcrows who’s been dead for the past 24 hours. Rest in peace babe. Read some gay fic. Deny the inevitability of canon. <3)

___

the end, but the start (of all things that are left to do)  by @ajkal2

Jon wakes up.

aka. mag200 tore out my heart

(Very smol, very short, very spoiler. Def recommend for anyone who just finished the podcast.)

remind me how to smile by @tamerofdarkstars

Jon is probably fine, just hiding out somewhere while the whole murder thing blows over and that's... fine. Martin is fine with that explanation. Really. He's got plenty to distract himself - like listening through the entire What the Ghost episode library, for example. Or watching Georgie Barker's Instagram livestreams.

(Yea this was in the last rec list, but you don’t understand THE ADMIRAL GIVES CUDDLES)

Chamomile by Dribbledscribbles

Whatever the ex-tea was, if it really had ever been that last bag of chamomile Martin claimed he’d found tucked in the back of the cupboard, it was fast now.

Martin had tried catching it, chasing it, blocking its way with shoebox lids and plates and an upended footstool, but the thing was just too quick. Jon knew as well as Knew that he might have left off the attempts completely if not for the creature’s preferred game.

The game was, See How Many Times I Can Push Martin Towards Cardiac Arrest Before He Comes at Me with The Broom.

(Scottish Honeymoon Era. Adorable and weird. A vampire gets harassed.)

hey stranger by @ennuijpg

It’s a late night Tesco run, how eventful could it be? It’s not like Martin is going to run into his boss who’s wearing something absurdly different from usual and get the most acute form of whiplash possible from seeing him, right?

(Martin runs into Jon at the grocery store and has an existential crisis.)

roses roses, roses. by @judesstfrancis

Rose scented laundry detergent. Running into Jon in the breakroom. Running into Jon on his way back to his desk. Rose scented detergent. Running into Jon. Roses. Jon. Roses, roses, roses. 

(Canon enemies to friends to lovers au-ish. Martin POV. Very pining much sweet.)

go softly by doomcountry

And there is nothing else besides this. 

(More hurt/comfort than fluff. Scottish Honeymoon Era. Mild eye mutilation.)

Not Alone by @backofthebookshelf

After the coffin, Daisy and Jon are both fragile. They hold each other up. 

(Post-buried Jon&Daisy starter pack. Very hurt/comfort.)

trust my love by antlsepticeye

“you… you’re real, aren’t you?” jon whispers, the fog slowly dissipating from his mind. “it is not a trick?”

“i’m here,” martin says softly, reaching up to grab jon’s hand that was resting on his cheek, intertwining his fingers with jon’s and squeezing. he moves jon’s hand to martin’s chest, resting it over his heart. “you’re alright. i’m alright. take your time, love. let’s just take some deep breaths, okay?”

(TOUCHSTARVED JON HAS ENTERED THE CHAT.)

reaching out by Athina_Blaine

By the time things settled, when Martin had finally managed to crack through his cold shell, feel some of his old self returning to him in bits and pieces, they had found their little routine.

One that had the two of them sleeping in the same bed, making breakfast, going to the mart. Where Jon reached for his wrist while they slept, and Martin luxuriated in the gentle warmth of his fingers.  

But not one where Martin reached back. One that had Martin kissing Jon awake or taking his hand over the breakfast table, because ... Martin never had the courage to try. And then it never became a part of the routine.

And Martin desperately wanted it to be.

-

Martin and Jon have an important conversation.

(More Scottish Honeymoon Era for the soul. Hurt/comfort/fluff.)

Belabor by @janekfan​

Jon's given the position of Archivist and is falling apart at the seams. Tim and Sasha are upset and playing games. Elias is overbearing and manipulative.

And poor Martin is stuck cleaning up the mess.

(THEE first fic I ever read for tma. Season 1, hurt/comfort/fluff, and hints of Jmartin. janekfan is the absolute master of seasons 1-3 hurt/comfort. This is my favorite, but pls check out the rest of their fics.)

tea, blankets, and a damnable stubborn attitude by ivelostmyspectacles

“Are you really gonna stay here and pester Jon all evening?”

“I’m not pestering him,” Martin retorted, sounding vehement if not busy going through the cupboards. “I’m heating up soup.”

“Oh, you might as well make him another cup of tea while you’re at it.”

“Oh, good idea.”

Jon shot Tim a withering look.

(The one where Jon is ill, Martin makes tea and they watch doctor who together. Fluff 1000%.)

A Kind Hand by @voiceless-terror

Jonathan Sims was adjusting just fine, thank you very much.

In which a minor workplace spill causes Jon to realize that he might have friends.

(Ah yes, the other master of seasons 1-3 fic aka voiceless-terror being my other fav author in the fandom. This one is also season 1 hurt/comfort/fluff.)

A Weather In The Flesh by @cuttoothed

"There is a span of years where Jon doesn’t touch anyone other than the occasional hand shake. It’s not so bad. He’s never been someone who’s needed physical affection."

*

Jon has never been any good at making people want to stick around.

(More touched starved Jon! Much hurt/comfort!)

Something Old, Something New by @cirrus-grey

Months have passed, and everyone is doing better than they were. Daisy and Basira are getting married, Melanie is feeling her old self, Georgie is as much herself as she has ever been, and even Jon has stabilized on his wild fall away from humanity. Everyone is doing better.

Well. Almost everyone.

(Daisy/Barsira wedding! Melanie is a bitch and we love her! Jmartin dance! Post-canon (almost) everyone lives!)

The Weight of Love by @voiceless-terror

Jon is a restless sleeper. Martin attempts to adjust. 

(The fic where Jon is literally me and Martin attempts to sleep for 1k words.)

The Art of Conversation by @voiceless-terror

"Do you ever stop talking?"

Jon has a complicated relationship with words. Difficulties come and go.

(Jon has adhd and Martin is in love.)

Novelty by @backofthebookshelf

Jon experiences A Sexual Attraction; Martin has A Concern. They figure it out.

(Any fic that explores the ace spectrum is a 10/10. We stan all ace interpretations of jon on this blog.)

Half a Hug by Dathen

I know you weren’t going to hurt me, I trust you, he said again and again. And then a different kind of fear shone through, hollow and echoing: “Please don’t stop touching me."

-

Or: Life is hard when you're touch-starved but have trauma related to your closest friend.  Spoilers through TMA 132.

(Honestly bless every author who saw jon&daisy and was like. They’re siblings. No I will not elaborate.)

the loneliness never left me (but i can put it down in the pleasure of your company) by Athina_Blaine

It was about Martin making Jon feel safe, treasured, and loved. And it had been so, so long since anyone made him feel that way.

And, in the face of it all, Jon was starting to flounder.

(At this point I just need to make separate rec list for Scottish Honeymoon Era.)

you can watch me corrode by scarletfish

"So, how long have you been pulling this shit then?"

"I… excuse me?" Jon’s indignant, certain she can’t mean what he thinks she means.

"When was the last time you ate?"

(Georgie decides Jon and Melanie need a normal day off. Jon learns that he and Melanie have more in common than he thought.)

(Look, Melanie isn’t my favorite person in tma, but she and Jon are like THE SAME PERSON and I adore fics that elaborate on their relationship.)

Out of the Wind, In From the Cold by @ostentenacity

There are two bedrooms in the safehouse, and two beds.

For a moment, Jon considers asking to share, but decides against it with a wince. “I really loved you,” Martin had told him. Loved. Past tense. And Martin doesn’t exactly have a lot of choices right now in terms of company; it would be cruel to demand he play at feelings he no longer has just to make Jon happy.

(For a moment, Martin considers asking to share. But he dismisses the idea with a shake of his head. Jon has already done so much for him. Martin isn’t about to ask for more, especially not when it’s something he doesn’t really need. He has his right mind back, and he has Jon’s friendship. That should be enough for him. It’ll have to be.)

---

Jon thinks that Martin doesn’t love him. Martin thinks that Jon doesn’t love him. They do not, of course, discuss this. Unrequited love is already awkward enough, right? No need to dwell on it.

(THEE SCOTTISH HONEYMOON ERA FIC. IT’S ABOUT THE PINING, BEING MUTUALLY OBLIVIOUS AND FALLING IN LOVE. 10000/10.) 

I Do by @voiceless-terror

“I, um- this was supposed to be a lot more romantic, I swear.” Martin looks down at the dirty bar floor. “I had it all planned out, I-I was going to take you somewhere nice, and then we’d go for a walk in the square- I’ll still do it!” He hurries to explain, as if that’s the most pressing part of this situation. “It’ll be really nice, I’ve already hired a photographer-”

In a fit of protectiveness, Martin proposes to Jon.

(Everyone lives, Martin accidentally proposes and Jon is crying in public.) 

________

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #400

“it’s an age-old story: the first will be last, and the last will be kings  /  the small will be great, and the great will be weak”

Who was the last person you sincerely thanked? My mom; I thank her every time she cooks for me/us, and I really do mean it. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed as a guest at someone’s house? Somewhere around a month. What was the last thing to really surprise you? My brother has a fiancee and is having another son! :') Have you ever found out that you have been sleep walking? No. Have you ever tried making something from one of those short cooking videos? How did it turn out? No. Have you ever written a review for a product you bought online? No. What was the last thing you had the urge to do? Idk about anything notable. Is there anyone you feel that takes you for granted? No. What is the last thing you had a craving for? A donut. Do you ever read the comments on social media posts? Sometimes. What was the last thing you felt like you wasted money on? It's so rare that I buy things with my own cash that I really don't know. What was the last thing you wanted to buy, but couldn’t afford? Venus' terrarium on my own. Mom has to help me with buying it. What is a recipe you’d like to try to make for yourself? I don’t cook, so. What goes through your mind when you look back at old photographs of yourself? More than anything, I get sad over how much weight I've gained. I was so healthy once upon a time. It also just makes me miss my childhood. What was the subject matter of the last email you sent? I believe it was about setting up an appointment with my therapist. How do you get your news? Facebook articles, really. What do you think about lizards? I love them! I was that kid that always tried to catch them when I saw 'em. Now I just observe because I don't want to terrify them by trying to pick them up. Have you ever done consumer testing (testing products before they come out on the market)? If not, would you ever want to? No, but sure, I'd do it. Have you ever received anesthesia or morphine? Both. The time I received morphine, it did jack-all for me. If you had to choose which video game to be in, which would it be? Hmmm... I would say Azeroth from World of Warcraft, but too much shit goes down, ha ha. Perhaps the top of the temple in Shadow of the Colossus? So long as I could have someone I love with me, I'd be in Heaven. Although... I doubt there's WiFi there, so I might drop that answer, lmfao. I really don't know. Between the two, would you rather live in a place where it’s only night or where it’s only day? Day. I need the natural light of day sometimes, and if I wanted to sleep, I could just find shade. If you had to be an actor/actress in a movie, what genre of the movie would you be best at? Fantasy. Out of fire, earth, water, wind, light, and dark, which element appeals the most to you? Dark. What’s one thing that you wish was real? Friendly dragons, haha. Is there anything (show, comedian, etc.) that you constantly quote or make references to? No. What’s your favorite Disney Channel movie? I have absolutely no idea. I don't even remember almost any of them. What’s your favorite holiday? Christmas. Do you ever have to do yard work? No. Do you have any live versions of songs in your music software? Yes. Did/do you listen to Britney Spears songs? Yeah, sometimes. I genuinely don't mind her. Do you still make Christmas lists? Yeah, because I'm asked to. Do you watch the show Dexter? Never seen it. Which musical instrument do you think sounds the prettiest? I'm torn between the violin, harp, and piano. Is your mom or dad the older parent? Mom, by a year. Do you and your parents like any of the same bands/singers? A lot, actually. Is there any food in your bedroom? What? I have these tictacs I keep in my purse in case of a dry mouth. Medication makes me have that severely, and my psychiatrist recommended me to always have a hard candy available to suck on since it forces salivation. Do you know anyone who has road rage? Who? My younger sister, badly. How far away do your grandparents live from you? They're all dead, but they lived in far away states. Do you know anyone who wants to be the president one day? No. What kinds of chips are in the cupboards? None. It's a bad idea to keep chips in this house, haha. Do you have your mom's or dad's hair? Well, I was born with dirty blonde hair like my dad, but my hair is thick and more similar in color now to my mom's before the cancer completely drained the color. If you were going out with your celebrity crush, what would you wear? OH MY GOD LA;KSDJFAKLWJE I DON'T KNOW I LOOK AWFUL IN EVERYTHING. Have you ever cried when a teacher retired? Teared up, yes, multiple times. Do you swear and yell while playing video games? I might swear under my breath, but that's the extent of it. If you were adopted, would you want to know? At this point in my life, I don't really know. I kinda find myself leaning towards no. Has a best friend ever ditched you for a girlfriend/boyfriend? Pretty much. Do your pets chase after bugs? Roman sure does. When’s the last time you were so excited you couldn’t sleep? Why? I want to say that was the night before I was getting my tattoo redone. Do you own any flip-flops? Yeah, considering they're like... all I wear, ever. Did you ever really believe that the stork brought babies? I don't believe so, no. Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.) It was the only lucid dream I've ever had and I'm not complaining about it lmao. Have you ever had a dream that upset you or made you cry? Oh I'm sure. Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it? Not to my recollection, no, and I don't believe you should ever adopt that mentality and say that to someone. Do you own a laser? No. Is there anything you like to put on a sandwich, that some might find odd? Nah. I do enjoy a layer of potato chips on some sandwiches, like ham and cheese, but I know that's like an actual thing some people just like. What colour are the shoes you wear most often? They're black flip-flops. When was the last time you were required to put on a mask? In the morning when I go to the TMS office. And what colour was the last mask you wore? It's one of those normal blue and white medical ones. The last time you were in a queue, what were you waiting for? To see the woman who would give me my APAP mask. Have you had your Covid vaccine yet? Which one, if you have? Yes, Moderna. If you've had your vaccine, did you experience any side effects? None for the first shot, but my second shot bruised badly and I felt seriously shitty the following day. I was perfectly fine afterwards, though. Can any of your friends sing well? Which one has the nicest singing voice? Sara has an AMAAAAAAAAAAAZING voice. When was the last time you wore make-up, if ever? What shades/colours? I don't even remember, but I'm sure it would've been black. What is something that seems popular, but doesn't interest you personally? Fashion, various TV shows, etc... Are you clumsy or graceful? I am STUPID clumsy. Like it's just ridiculous. Do you like gloves? I like fingerless gloves. Does your sibling(s) have braces? My older sister did as a kid. Do you ever say "OMG" in person? No; it's a random pet peeve of mine, "Internet talk" irl. What was the last thing your parents got mad at you for? Dad, no idea. Mom, uhhhh. Not "mad," but "annoyed" probably better fits how she felt about me leaving the heating pad I use for my cramps on the floor. Do your pets have favorites? I'm definitely Roman's favorite seeing as he is my literal shadow, and I'd assume Venus trusts me more than anyone else, but realistically, she's in contact with almost no one else, so. Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Why did you break up? The first guy to have the title of "boyfriend" was Aaron, and I broke up with him 'cuz I just wasn't as romantically into him as I thought I might be. It was puppy-dog love, and I feel I knew that. My first *real* boyfriend was Jason, who broke up with me because my mental illnesses began to affect his wellbeing. Which I now accept is fine, but he seriously coulda gone about things differently... When was the last time you got a new bed? Is your bed comfy? Late into my teenage years; idk the exact age and don't feel like doing the math. Teddy kept peeing on the bed to where it was just unrecoverable and needed to be thrown away. My current bed is comfy enough. What kind of games did you play on the playground when you were younger? My absolute favorite was digging tunnels in the sandbox, pretending to be a meerkat. The only trend I ever created, haha, seeing as my classmates got into it with me, allowing us to make huge tunnel systems. It was really cool. I also liked playing 4 Square (which I now don't even remember the details of) on the basketball court. Do you remember the first time you ever drove a car? Who were you with? Yeah, my driver's ed instructor and the guy who was on the same route as me. What’s your favorite thing to do when drunk? Would you do this sober? N/A Are you a fan of dogs? Do you have any as pets? I'm picky with dogs. I like interacting with any dog, but I don't plan on ever owning another. I don't like how hyper they can be, and I prefer more independent pets, like cats. Basically, I'll be hyped to meet a random dog on the street and give it some loving, but I don't want to take it home to be my own. Are you an elitist (even a little bit) when it comes to anything? What? No. I cannot stand elitists. Is just being fond of something enough, or does it take more than that to be a ‘real fan’? And I hate gatekeeping in fandoms even more. There are varying intensities of "being a fan," but regardless, if you like something, congratulations, you're a valid, "real" fan. What type of fabric is most comfortable for clothing? I don't pay attention to this, honestly. If you wear one – bras with or without a wire? I'll wear either, but without is way more comfortable. If you wear one – are you able to find cute bras in your size? God no. What length do you like your shorts to be? I don’t wear shorts. What was the last disappointing movie you saw? Warcraft, but not because it was bad. I've talked before how in the theater, the orcs' voices were just so fucking baritone that I couldn't understand almost ANYTHING they said. Kinda ruined the experience for me. What was the last disappointing book you read? Don't recall. Do you ever watch compilation videos? Of what? Very rarely. If I do, they're mostly of animals being silly. Favorite Disney character who isn’t royalty? Probably Dory, but idk. There's WAY too many options to fish through.

[migleefulmoments]

So... Abby responds to her family's intervention by obediently telling them she'll stop (ie. lying to them). She then immediately tries to find ways to keep the blog in secret, hiding behind various usernames, lurking on her coven's blogs, more time deleting posts from both blogs we know about. Meaning, instead of getting help, she spends even MORE time online engaging in more batshit crazy crap to cover her ass. Yeah, sure, that doesn't signal dire need for mental health intervention AT ALL.

It looks like that is what is happening.  We will have to see what the future holds. What does Abby do? 

So far the fandom is flailing. Cassie got a couple of anons- one that reads like those anons Abby used to send herself as it covers all the issues they are most upset about so perfectly well (My comments in parenthesis and italicized:: 

Anonymous asked: Even if I am unsure about CC itself, I don't buy M*arr*n. I just don't. And the other side is using doxing and the fact that you and others say things they don't like about M as an excuse to do so and as a way to detract from the fact that their couple goals have some pretty big, glaring plot holes in their love story. I've not seen anyone on this side of the fandom out or dox anyone publicly as a way of humiliation. M gave up her privacy by dating D, but Abby didn't and they were wrong. Period. 

cassie1022 answered: Nonnie, I swear every time they diagnose us as mentally ill or say we’re bitter hags, an LGBTQ angel gets his or her wings. We all know my beliefs, but there are MANY people that are like you and don’t know for sure about CC but sure as hell know Miarren isn’t a normal, healthy relationship. (Funny thing, I don’t remember anyone diagnosing Cassie as mentally ill. Cassie is alwasy the wallflower that nobody wants to dance with and she tries so hard to be part of the fun people. Last week she was sad because I hadn’t sent her a “hate” message (See comment in last post below) 

Even if I remove D from the situation, I would still think M is a lazy, spoiled toddler with no discernable work ethic coupled with a superiority complex that rivals the Cheeto in Command of the US.

You are absolutely correct. Our fandom just wants to be left alone. We don’t send hateful asks to the other side. We don’t have to. They feel they have the right to dox CCers because they don’t like what we say about M, a woman that would light a cigarette from the flames engulfing them and not call 911 to help them. I mean, honestly, it doesn’t get much lower than mocking someone’s death. Plus, as you correctly said, M put herself in the spotlight “dating” D. If she didn’t want that attention, she would have stayed in the background. There are plenty of celebrities married to non famous people and we don’t see them at every event like we do M. (It is BAFFLING to me that they can’t comprhend something as simple and obvious as the reasaon they “see Mia everywhere” is because they fucking stalk her and they hyperanalzye every photo Darren is in looking for her. If they started stalking Ben Feldman they would see his wife just as much as they see Mia).    

Bottom line is what they did to Abby was deplorable, but, just like their kween, they feel justified in doing whatever they want. This isn’t the first time they’ve crossed a line with regards to my friend, but it was the worst.

notes-from-nowhere Anon, they love to throw the guilt of their actions on our shoulders, it’s how they justify what they do to themselves. They need us to be the bad guys otherwise what is the only option left? (I never know what the hell Notes is trying to say- throw the guilt of our actions on their shoulders? I’d love an example of that. I can’t imagine what guilty action I put on their shoulder. As for needing them to be the bad guys or what do we have left? OMFG are you kidding me? We critcize the cc fandom for being misogynistic, homophobic, bullies who attack  Mia, Darren, Ricky and their own Nonnies. They have viscioulsy attacked people in their own fandom who dared to question them. But the biggest reason we push back is because THEY LIE. All the damn time. So what do we have left? Being on the right side, being correct, not lying, not needing to lie, and the joy of watching Darren live his best life)   

Leka got a couple of asks but her answers were weak, confusing and pointless. It’s clear she isn’t ready to take over as their leader. She repeated Abby’s main talking points, tried to use big words to sound smarter and basically ended up not making a lot of sense:

Anonymous asked: I could be wrong, and I hope I am, but I think the character on the HW poster holding the girl is D's character, it would fit if you look at the other guys on the poster, maybe this is already the first hint to show D's character is not gay and so technically not breaking the no more queer roles rule his team set for him. It won't make it any better because it's still a career on the bag of LGBTQ+ people with it's teams but it's technically not a broken rule. I just really need for things to change, I want them to so bad, it kills me seeing someone so kind in a situation like that, and I truly believe D is one of the kindest people in that horrible town. He deserves better than M, I wouldn’t even mind if he goes onto another beard but she and RR just need to go. I really think it’s crazy people still think everything HW is real and PR relationships don’t exist, I wished that place was just better and had a moral compass, people deserve more it kind of shows just how jaded this situation has made me, I can’t even enjoy amazing promo material without directly twisting it into something negative, I don’t want to be this way and if I feel like this I can’t even imagine how D must feel. He is stronger than I’ll ever be living through hell every day, even if he’s not ok he’s still here and holding on, I don’t know if I could in his position. Sorry for the long message and the unneeded negativity, I guess I just had to vent a little

*********************************

Leka answered: So let’s look at the way HW is described:

“Each character offers a unique glimpse behind the gilded curtain of Hollywood’s Golden Age, spotlighting the unfair systems and biases across race, gender and sexuality that continue to this day. Provocative and incisive, HOLLYWOOD exposes and examines decades-old power dynamics, and what the entertainment landscape might look like if they had been dismantled.”

I do consider this the very intriguing thing about the news. (And it just goes to show that believing everything you’re sold is being utterly and completely ignorant.) Let’s say you’re right because ofc it’s possible. How does R/aymond fit in here? Given the excessive way team shit has pushed that article, a technicality won’t be good enough. There has to be a better plan. This doesn’t match what’s been said in his name.

What I think is this doesn’t necessarily have to mean much. You know very well what you see doesn’t have to be the (full) truth. That doesn’t just apply to the real HW. Especially considering the time period of this show. And let’s not forget the pap pics we got at a gas station. This doesn’t rule out SB as an inspiration. I would advise anyone to read up on him. We don’t know at this point. As we keep saying, the best thing to do is to wait and see. I’m certainly interested in finding out more.

As time goes on, the danger of this situation keeps becoming even clearer to me. D deserves much, much better. He’s incredibly strong, but the most toxic person in his life needs to go and she’s more than welcome to take the jumping jackass with her. That’s definitely the most important thing right now. (I’m curious what the danger of Hollywood is?)

awesome-fanfictionada: @leka-1998I’m just wondering - it must have been D who got himself this job on HW, right? Couldn’t this have been done on purpose to counter that ridiculous statement - which wasn’t even accurate, if the source was that interview where he stated that he wouldn’t want to be a casting director? Could in this case RM be a friend?

leka-1998:  @awesome-fanfictionada Yes, he did that himself. Again. And he said the show’s been sold late in 2018. According to an article that came out later, it happened in February 2019. Not true.

HW has been a thing before that statement was made, which is indeed very different from the answer D himself gave during the interview. That’s what makes the article seem like sabotage by team shit. And standing in RM’s way is never a good idea. So while I will obviously never like him, I’m reserving judgment on his current role until we know more.

Anonymous asked: The underlying issue in general is really that social media has made it so people think they get an accurate glimpse into the lives of celebrities, when in reality social media, like everything else that is publicly released about them, is used as a marketing tool. People are actually more inauthentic than they've ever been because they feel pressure to maintain a certain image for social media at all times. So anyone who decides D is living honestly, it's because they want to believe he is.

Leka: True, nonnie. Just look at the text lines that are becoming more popular again. Not nearly as genuine as people want to believe. In D’s case, what has to be brought up? M. Oh Halloween and her amazing shopping skills praised on SM. The work fam honeymoon pic promoting the place they stayed at. Coa/chella for the H&M ad. Mardi Gras posted shortly after the mockery to promote the designer. I could obviously go on. Most of what we see on SM shows the person the 10 year crew wants him to be. And what looks like a split personality if you compare certain posts. Which brings me back to ‘they want to believe’, as what you’re saying clearly isn’t a secret. Anyone can choose to ignore it but at this point, if that’s the case even though you’re more or less paying attention, it’s really a conscious decision.

Oh btw, there’s a HW IG account now and it already has a D follow. Imagine that. R/oyalties co-stars, anyone?

Flowers didn’t get any asks. Amazing since she has more followers than I do and she bragged about getting more “notes” than me.  She did answer azscc who posted an odd rant that baffles me.  Who the fuck is azscc and who is posting anything about her? I realize I am not the only person in this fandom posting about ccers But I just checked all the blogs that I know of and nobody is talking about her; 

azsc  its so weird how chillarrens call me a bully while i only say something rude towards them if they write bullshit towards me. and its just ironic how chillarrens go around calling people bullies while they are the reason why tons of cc accounts use their accounts private or don’t post their opinions and etc. the real threat to the fandom are people like you. so instead of going around throwing shit on people and calling them “mental, delusional...” get a life. no cc believer goes around hunting for chillarren pics and insult the account owner so why don’t you all grow up and realize no one has to agree with your opinions. every crisscolfer blog/twitter page/insta acc basically stan accs never asked for your opinions on their pages so why don’t you just let it go? no one cares about what you all say or do so why are you forcing it this much?

call me a bully i am pretty much okay with that. its obvious that people are unable to understand basic sarcasm and irony and i am not judging because to actually understand what people say you have to at least have an average IQ level. and if you don’t have it, it’s okay but that doesn’t mean you can twist people’s words and post them all over the internet. but its lowkey really funny that i only had my instagram acc for something like 4/5 months and i received over 300 hate/insult/blackmail/death wish messages and etc. and who are you people to call us bullies? (Nobody is a Chillarren. Darren and Mia are married and Chris and Will are in a long-term relationsihp,  Nobody has to “ship” them in order to believe they are together. In America, we accept that when someone introduces their wife or their boyfriend they are telling the truth. It is customary to address that person as their wife or boyfriend respectively. The crisscolfers on the other hand, must use a fandom ship name because they are shipping two people who are not in a relationship and never were. All evidence indicates Chris and Darren are no long friends; they are nothing more than former co-workers-friendly and polite when they see one another but no longer involved in one another’s lives. Chris and Darren both have denied (more than once) that the were ever in a relationship).  .   

flowersintheattic254 I have never in my whole time here posted an anon to a Miarren account. I have no desire to. I’m confident in my beliefs.

The interesting thing for me is that I’ve been here for about four years now and in that time I’ve seen the head of the fandom disappear, other people disappear because their families have been doxed, established long-term cc blogs with a wealth of history deleted without warning. I myself have had my daughters threatened.  This sort of stuff doesn’t happen anywhere in the fandom but here here. If we are a bunch of delusional crazy middle-aged women then this shouldn’t happen. (Who was doxed? Who dissappered? It’s all “liar liar” with everything ccers say. In the last 4 years Abby has been the only leader of the cc fandom. Michelle left between 4 and 5 years ago because her outrageious cc comments threatened her ability to raise money for her little Klaine-fanfic rip-off movie. I vaguely remember someone asking flowers how her daugther’s would feel if they read what she writes- hardly a threat. If there was something more she never posted any proof. As for blogs being deleted- so was D-Criss News.  It happens. The only cc blog that I know of that disappeared was DisneyPrincessModelWorld’s original blog which had was a hot mess of lies and catfishing. She visciously bullied Mia. Hardly someone to mourn their blog being deleted). 

It’s shocking that an actor may lgbt causes such drama. (HUH?)

Flower’s comment is so disingenuous. While it is technically true -she hasn’t sent me anons, she HAS instead publically ridiculed me and frankly, I can’t see how that is any different? I’d say it’s worse because they wanted their followers to see what they wrote and the only way to ensure that is to post it on their blogs. Flowers and Abby posted many public “Michy” posts.  Here is her most recent: 

flowersintheattic254Oh and I guess Michy sent us all some hate today.

I guess I have way more followers than you and only about 4 that send hate. You haven’t for ages.

I think I have over 70,000 hits currently to my blog. I must be saying something interesting.

He’s been married allegedly for a year and people still doubt. That’s gotta hurt you. Anyway......

✌️

ajw720 Michy told me today today that the outing couldn’t possibly be promo, because JS was only cast in September!  What a moron who clearly doesn’t know how HW works.  Sweetheart, it was ANNOUNCED in September;)

I was waiting for a few more months, but in 4 years, since i have been tracking, i have almost a million! (976,695 to be precise).

It is amazing that so many people care about what us bat shit crazy, irrelevant, psychologically unstable, threatening, hateful tin hats have to say!  And that does not include people reading on their dash or that hit you on the app!  So yep, Michy, clearly what we are saying is being monitored by someone.  And clearing making people think!! But you keep wasting your time writing for your audience of 4:)

cassie102 I feel left out, Michy didn't come at me today. Must hurt like hell knowing you're a joke that perpetuates a bigger joke.

leka-1998 Birds of a fake feather flock together. When the right person says tomorrow’s Christmas, tomorrow’s Christmas. Get ready, everyone.

If I narrow it down to the last six months, about 10,000 btw. Hm strange.

flowersintheattic254 @ajw720 the number of hits you have give me oxygen. If Michy thinks they are haters then she is delusional. People know when they are being sold something fake and they look for answers.

[izzy-b-hands]

Fictober 2019, Oct. 31st, “Scared, Me?”

Fanfiction

Fandom: Queen (band) 

Pairings: None

Rating: T or maybe M due to the threat of violence and general frightening nature of the situation in this fic??

Warnings: mentions of violent death, and general danger from an intruder. Some swearing, um.... think that’s the worst of it tbh. This one ended up a lot tamer than it could have been re: spooky scary stuff.

1,623 words

I’ve really wanted to write a fic about Duckingham Palace, but I wanted this one to be scary, since it is being posted on Halloween. This fic let me get both of those things in.

“Scared, me? Not at all!” his voice echoed through the dark and silent house.

“I think we should be, maybe,” Roger whispered from the nearby closet, where he was huddled with Brian and John. 

“All this supposed intruder has done so far is turned out the lights. We’ve navigated this house drunker than a skunk with the lights out. This isn’t an obstacle,” Freddie replied, picking up his coffee cup from the end table near the couch he was sat on. 

“Freddie, I’ve tried calling the security desk, and they aren’t answering. Please, get in here until I can get them to respond,” Brian added, the poof of his curls the only thing visible from where he was crouched at the back of the closet. 

“This is all very silly; we’re going to be fine. Come out of there!” Freddie scolded playfully. “Besides, you know what all of us in there at once means?” 

“That this closet is too small for all of us?” John asked, peeking out around Roger.

“That this supposed scary killer or whoever you’re all so terribly afraid of can easily kill all of us at once,” Freddie continued. “Apart, one of us might just survive to write an album about the experience.” 

“That isn’t funny,” Brian replied. “Get in here; I can hear footsteps!” 

“Poor thing, look what years of rock music have done to your ears. Hearing things now!” Freddie sighed.

Roger pushed the other two back further into the closet as he dove back in, while a dark figure crept into the room.

Freddie turned his head, eyes straining to see in the dark. “Oh, what is this shit?” 

The figure stopped creeping and stood up straight, turning it’s mask-covered face to look at Freddie. “Excuse me?” 

“You fucking heard me. With a black robe and the stalking about. What the fuck is that?” 

“I-I’m the terror...” 

“You’re shit,” Freddie scoffed. “Come on out and see what you’re all so afraid of! Say hello!” 

“No! Stay put! Fear me!” the figure commanded.

“...no, I don’t think we will,” Roger said, leading the way out of the closet. 

“Yeah. Nice try, but...well, seeing you in person...no,” John said, shaking his head as he joined Freddie on the couch. 

“I could kill you all!” the figure shouted as it pulled out a knife from some pocket of its robe. 

Freddie set down his cup, sighed, and walked up to the figure. “With just the one knife?” 

The figure looked down at the knife. “Y...yeah?”

Freddie smirked. “You’re killing Queen, or trying to, right? I should hope you’d know that we go out in style, not all with the same filthy knife.” 

The rest of the guys giggled as they settled into their chosen seats, any panic evaporated. Freddie was in full performance mode now, and the intruder hardly stood a chance if just this bit was shaking him.

“You...you can’t make demands when you’re about to be murdered!” the intruder stamped his foot. 

“Fuck off,” Freddie laughed and went back to the couch, dropping back beside John as if it were any other night in Duckingham Palace. 

The intruder stood, staring as they all got properly comfortable, as if nothing had happened, the lights were still on, and all was normal. 

“You may as well sit down and take off that mask. Make it easier for the guards when they get here,” Freddie said. “Brian, have they answered?” 

Brian was back at the nearest telephone, and dialed the number yet again, but shook his head after a moment. “Still not picking up.” 

“The line isn’t dead, they are,” the intruder spat. “How else do you think I got this far, this close to you? Don’t you get it yet, you spoiled fucking rock-”

The punch Freddie threw, up from the couch and in front of the intruder in the blink of an eye, in a boxing stance like it was second nature, laid the intruder out flat on the carpet. 

“Haven’t done that in awhile,” Freddie mused as he dropped back to the couch. “Brian, call the police, will you?” 

“Already done,” Brian replied, looking slightly pale at the sight of the splayed out intruder. “Should we check on him? Roger, you go do it.” 

“Why me? I’m not any better equipped to do that than you, you go do it!” Roger protested. 

“Well...you were going to be a dentist!” Brian protested right back. “That’s the closest to a doctor we’ve got right now!” 

“Ah yes, and we all recall the many dentists that populate and care for emergent patients in every emergency room around the world. No actual doctors, because ‘a dentist is close enough’!” 

“Stop arguing, and just look! I mean, I don’t exactly want him up and raring to kill us, but if he’s hurt-” Brian insisted.

“I’m just gonna go see about getting the lights back on,” John interjected quickly, moving from the couch and around the body in search of the circuit breaker panel.

“You are technically Dr. Brian May, or will be once you’ve got your studies done! You look at him!” Roger shouted. 

“I will be a doctor of space-related things, like space dust and cosmic bodies, not the human body!” Brian shouted right back. 

“You really ought to just get up,” Freddie said to the body, which had been occasionally twitching with the apparent effort of trying to pretend to be knocked out.

The intruder stayed silent, and kicked a leg out at him. 

“That’s just childish,” Freddie chided.

“This was my claim-” the intruder started.

“Claim to what?” Freddie interrupted. “Claim to sick and twisted fame? All you’ve done is hurt people, good people. How will the families of those guards feel, what horrible pain. All because of you.” 

“I-”

“How dare you even deign to try and be proud of or defend what you did and tried to do here. You deserve whatever pain comes your way as a result of your actions here,” Freddie said coldly. “And the universe will see to it, I’m sure. You disgust me.” 

Brian and Roger had stopped arguing, listening and watching as Freddie glared down at the intruder. 

“I...I’m so-” the intruder was difficult to hear, so quiet and broken his voice was now. 

“Don’t even dare. An apology does nothing, means nothing. Not to me, and not to our dead security guards and their families,” Freddie interrupted brusquely. “Better you had found that conscience and caring long before you killed anyone, but fat lot of good it does for anyone now.”

The intruder sat up and stared at the floor, his knife forgotten where it had fallen. “That punch hurt really badly, you know.” 

Brian and Roger shared a glance. Of all the stupid shit to say...

“I’m not a man for violence, but you say one more fucking word and I won’t hesitate to lay you out again. You think that first punch hurt? I wasn’t even putting any effort into it,” Freddie said, terrifyingly calm as he sipped at his cold coffee, staring the intruder down as if he might just use his gaze to destroy the man. 

The lights blinked back on, and John returned just as sirens started to near. 

It was all waiting and watching then as police and procedure took over. The intruder was silent the entire time, even as they gave their statements, only nodding or shaking his head in response to any questions from the officers. Finally, he was taken out of the house and away to a waiting police car. 

The officers assured them the house was clear and safe, and that a few officers would remain on watch on the property so they could go to sleep without worry. 

But none of them moved from the living room. 

“Thank god the family and friends hadn’t joined us out here yet,” John finally said, breaking the silence that had enveloped them once the police had all gone. 

Brian nodded. “Never been so glad the family is back at home.” 

“Still can’t believe you wanted me to check him over,” Roger scoffed softly, no venom or ill-intent in his voice. 

“You know I would have helped you,” Brian replied. “And we only would have had to check him if he wasn’t getting up, and in the moment it seemed Freddie had really done him in...” 

“I know,” Roger said, and the silence fell over them again.

“It’s funny, in a terrible way,” Freddie broke the silence softly. “Whole thing has me too damn nervous to sleep now.” 

The resulting gentle laughter was a relief to them all, as much as the pack of cigarettes that was opened and passed around with shaking hands from all.

“Only nervous now that the killer’s gone?” Roger smiled weakly. “Bloody hell, Freddie.” 

“That was a hell of a hit you gave him,” Brian laughed. “Dropped like a stone, my god.” 

“Stop,” Freddie shushed them with a wave of his hand. 

“No, it was amazing! I mean, you said you weren’t really thinking about it, weren’t putting effort into it, but he went down! I can’t imagine if you’d been really trying to put him down,” Brian said. “And even after, keeping him down with words!” 

Roger nodded. “Artfully done.” 

John sighed. “Suppose we may as well stay up a bit longer, out here together. I mean, if we can’t sleep, maybe we can work.”

No more was said of sleep after that, the adrenaline of the night’s events still lingering. It didn’t matter if any of the resulting songs from the late-night session would be good, or right for the album. It was simply enough to be awake and in the safety of one another’s company.  

[apprentice-nylah]

So since I didn’t catch that we finally got Book XXI - The World until now... I’m doing my usual first impressions of playing through and my thoughts. Since (I think?) this is the end of Nadia’s route, I believe I’ll do an overall thoughts in a different post later on when I’ve digested everything. 

Both my thoughts on the Upright ending and Reversed ending are under the cut. I play through Nadia’s route only. But this is a much longer than normal post. And it goes without saying, but a lot of spoilers under the cut. 

Upright Ending

- ITS FINALLY HERE?!?@?!??@~

- Backroom of the shop but in red... okie

- oh is this uhm.. when the apprentice first got revived? 

- snow

- oh what did nadia legit visit the apprentice when.. wait... 

- okay so basically you can only pick “youve come to the right place!” even though theres an option for “wait this isn’t right.”

- YoU’Re hEr FiAnCe!!!

- NO YOURE PERFECT FOR HER

- is it going to be the fool card???

- ok the high priestess, I can accept that

- THE LOVE OF MY LIFE (can you hear me screaming irl) 

- this is all the devils fault so “the devil will pay for this”

- aw nadia gushing about the apprentice is so cute

- “I’ll always find you.” fuck ye

- uhm.. apprentice wise probably “id turn into a phoenix.” 

- lived on the moon.. “i’d live there too.” 

- it was cheesy but u loved it anyway

- im actually squealing irl about nadia

- winkie sprite again ;0

- back where it started then eh

- “it has no power” 

- renovating it would be a nice touch i think

- death 

- “this IS a pickle” 

- a ruse cruise l0l

- “you’re right” can’t believe i’m taking advice from death

 - letting go of the past

- i don’t want to worry u queeeen

- this scene is familiar from asras route i think though i didn’t play it to this point, just have seen screenshots of it

- aw nadia

- that “back off zombie” option just reminds me of that heath inspector spongebob episode for some reason, but i’m going with “i wouldn’t say that”

- you could but u won’t

- “emotionally traumatizing zombie card” lmao

- ooo his thone room is kinda cool art wise

- i still love the devils art even tho i kinda hate him

- “do you ever stop talking” theres no other option to choose obviously

- nadia lecturing the devil is everything

- mortals but the apprentice is basically the fool so idk how true that exactly is

- WE WON

- what kind of person exactly WAS nadia if her family is this shocked that she wants them to visit, jeez

- fashion show lmfao

- natiqa gunna stay oo

- aw muriel and asra is still cute as fuck

- awww the baker getting to be procurator. thats also cute as fuck

- volta as official taste tester l0l

- portia totally has a crush on nahara and no one can convince me otherwise

- “i’m not ready to leave” 

- i swear they keep mentioning things on fire and although shes prob referring to the one we were there for, theres always so many stories involving the satrinavas that include setting things on fire and i want to hear all the stories

- “lets bother valerius” we owe him for it still

- “he deserves it” my thoughts exactly

- YOU BET I REMEMBER IT

- “what we’ve done!!”

- sprite artttttttt

- eeeeeee.

I do feel like the ending is somewhat anti-climactic. I would have loved to see the wedding and all that cute shit, but perhaps it could be a tale later on. Or it also gives fandom creators some room to let the imagination run wild and that’s always a positive thing as well. 

I haven’t looked around much, but i think theres some discourse about the endings, though when is there not discourse in the fandom lmfao. I will say that i think this does really play into what I said before that the upright ending and route playthrough is all about change. This is the person Nadia is capable of being at her best and her reversed ending the person she could be if she had stayed on the path she was set on. (or at her worse, if you prefer that). 

as said, I think I’ll put an overview thoughts in a different post, but I think book XXI was a pretty decent wrap up, though obviously I wish there had been more of it. 

Reversed Ending

- I’m still like.. not as mad about the reversed ending as a lot of people seemed to be, but also i agree with the apprentice. PANIC

- okay im really keen on domination and shit but being a possession of another person is really a no-no for me. but i get it nadia... this isn’t ur best u

- the devil really has a fetish for red, don’t he

- I think this place is never gunna let u go anyway tbh

- learning more about the devils nature and knowing that nadia is eventually gunna be the devil is just like... why.

- “which would u prefer” 

- u bet im gunna be fucking cheeky

- “ill obey” ig. idk what the “right answer” is so...

- say nothing

- nadias eyes are fucking creepy like what

- tbh i can’t believe this somehow backfired on the devil like... i didn’t think he was actually this stupid

- “its beautiful” 

- okay her devil sprite is hot asf. i admit it. 

- “of course’ 

- so valarius rules vesuvia now?

- its kinda of sad to see her relationship with the high priestess gone

- okay, also a hot CG

- “gimme!” tho i’m sure shes gunna make me beg or something wild

- “let me thank you properly” 

- kiss every inch of her

- thats kinda sweet in a weird sort of way

- “youre mine” 

- they fucked didn’t they

- youre going to free her... >.>

Okay, i have... thoughts. While I’ve said that I do believe that the Reverse ending is supposed to be Nadia as the person she was at the beginning of the story (or at least in some ways with some of her less desirable traits amplified to the max), this just seems... weird after playing the Upright ending. 

Obviously this makes sense if you played the route as a reverse ending. The apprentice is super dedicated to Nadia that they’ll follow her blindly, even if it means harming other people. You fail to see her faults and instead just tell her that people who criticize her are wrong. But like I said, I think the Devil honestly being that idiotic that he actually gave her the power to defeat him is just wild. In a way where there has to be a lot of suspension of disbelief for that to be a thing. But okay. This is where we are. 

I do think a lot of the domination/physical scenes with Nadia were super hot and wish we had gotten a bit more in the Upright ending, but since I have both endings, I can live with getting the emotional lovey stuff in one and the steamy physical stuff in another. THat’s fine. Also, I really do love Nadia’s Devil sprite. The art is great for it. 

Anyway, those are just some thoughts I had on my first play through. I’ll probably do a full reflection tomorrow when I’ve sort of had more time to process my feelings. As for what I’ll do with the Arcana now that Nadia’s route is over... I’m not sure. I’m not super hot on Portia, though I like her. Just not in a “I want to romance her way.” Maybe I’ll play through Muriel since I think he’s sweet and I thihnk his story will be super interesting. And As much as I hate Lucio in this route, I’m kinda of interested in how they’re planning on writing his route. 

[pyro-yoshi]

Demonic Possession Style - a Walking Dead sick fic

You know how I’m all about OC sick fics? I still am, don’t you worry. Its been years since I’ve written a puke without plot for a fandom. Well, I broke that streak and wrote some fan fiction. I felt the internet needed some Walking Dead emeto, so I wrote this. Negan gets super sick and profusely pukes his guts out all over the place, several times, and his fellow Saviors take care of him. The amount of puke is fairly exaggerated, as Negan throws up A LOT. Likely more than is humanly possible. Why? Because I am into that.

This is pretty long. At a little over 5000 words, I do believe this is the longest sick fic I’ve written. I enjoyed writing it, hopefully you’ll enjoy reading it.

He’d felt a bit off all day, but it wasn’t until he disemboweled Spencer that Negan felt a sharp stabbing pain in his own gut. If that wasn’t ironic he didn’t know what was. Perhaps it was some sort of phantom sympathy pain, but then again the very idea of that was stupid.

Just like Spencer.

Negan would be the first to admit he was a cocky bastard, but he absolutely couldn’t stand people like Spencer, overly privileged shits who skated through life using their good looks and daddy’s credit card to get whatever they wanted. Having to talk one on one with Spencer was bad enough, but once he’d expressed his wish to kill Rick and takeover as the new leader of Alexandria, Negan had officially had enough of him and offed him right there in the street.

While tormenting Rick was one of Negan’s favorite hobbies, he also harbored a fair amount of respect for the ex deputy. Rick Grimes was a natural leader, he organized people, and most importantly, he was a go getter. He got shit done, and Negan liked that. Plus, he liked Rick’s kids a lot. Carl was a badass, and baby Judith was the cutest damn thing he’d EVER seen. Earlier in the day, he’d spent a good half hour cradling Judith, bouncing her on his knee and being silly with her while Carl kept his one remaining eye intently trained on him.

But Spencer, that asshole, wanted to murder Rick and leave Carl and Judith without a father, and Negan simply wasn’t going to tolerate that bullshit.

He felt a twinge of nausea as he watched Spencer drop to his knees, holding his own intestines in his hands. It wasn’t the blood and guts that was bothering him. Living in a post apocalyptic world, nobody batted an eye at bloodshed anymore. Killing people was just a part of life now.

No, this was something else. Before Spencer had approached him, Negan had made himself at home in Rick’s residence and cooked a massive amount of spaghetti for himself and his guests. Olivia hadn’t eaten a single bite, Carl had just picked at his and Rick didn’t even show up. Rude. Negan wasn’t the type to let food go to waste, especially not now, so he’d eaten almost the entire pot himself. He ate all of the rolls too, and washed it down with a couple glasses of lemonade. He’d probably just eaten too much.

More abrupt, intense pains almost made him wince, but he brushed them off. Instead, he stood over Spencer, who was rapidly bleeding out, and addressed the crowd of Alexandrians who had gathered around him.

“Look at that! He did have guts after all, they’re right there! I’ve never been so wrong in my life!”

The crowd stared, but nobody moved. They wouldn’t dare try anything, not with Arat ready to unload her pistol into anyone dumb enough to do something drastic.

“I just did your community a favor!” Negan ignored the horrified looks some people were casting him and continued. He motioned to Carl, who was glaring at him from his porch. “Kid, that douchebag just told me he wanted to kill your dad. Now I don’t know about you, but I think that’s really shitty.”

Turning back to the crowd, he carried on, ignoring the stomach pains and slight nausea he felt. “That’s right people. Spencer the dickless there wanted to take out your fearless leader! You should all be thanking me.”

A stronger wave of nausea took him by surprise, but he played it off and continued swaggering around Alexandria, Lucille in his hand as always. He supervised as his men wandered in and out of various homes and took whatever they felt like taking in addition to picking up this week’s offering.

Under normal circumstances, Negan would be bummed that he wasn’t going to see Rick on this visit, but as time wore on, he found himself caring less and less as he gradually began to feel worse. He could somehow still taste the spaghetti, and he felt overly full and excessively bloated, which left him in a great amount of discomfort. It got to the point where he almost sighed in relief when his men decided to load up and go back to the compound.

The drive from Alexandria to the Savior's compound was usually an hour there an hour back, a little more if they had to clear walkers from the road on the way.

Negan wasn’t sure if he’d make it through the whole drive home. He was in the passenger seat of the front most truck, and he’d long since given up trying to get comfortable. No amount of position shifting seemed to ease his rapidly growing queasiness, and rolling down the passenger window to get some fresh air hadn’t helped worth a damn. He sank down into his seat and sighed as he placed his right hand on his upset, overly bloated stomach. The truck driver gave him a questioning glance but didn’t pry.

To say he felt like dogshit was a massive understatement. Every bump in the road made him feel even worse, and by the time he arrived back at the compound, he felt well and truly sick. He felt bad enough that he let his guard down and dropped the sarcastic, confident personality he usually displayed in favor of being quiet. He thought back to various times he’d been sick with a stomach bug or food borne illness in the past, and those instances had all started with bloating and sharp abdominal pains.

He felt hot and feverish in addition to feeling sick, and as he stepped out of the truck, a dizzying wave of vertigo washed over him. He groaned softly and Lucille almost slid from his grip.

He was definitely sick, no doubt about it. All he wanted was to retreat to his room and curl into a ball of misery on the bathroom floor. He knew that’s what he’d end up doing, as he was really starting to feel like he was going to puke. He wasn’t the type to fight it, he’d much rather get it all out and feel better, at least temporarily.

Of course, Negan’s escape plan was thwarted. He had only made it several yards away from the trucks when Simon came out of nowhere and flung his arm around his shoulder.

“We’ve got a problem, and I know you’d want to hear this from me. We’ve got a snake in the nest.”

Negan looked at him, but it took him a moment to find his words. “What happened?”

“I caught said snake, Toby, trying to leave us with weeks worth of stolen food. He stole from all of us and thought he could get away with it! Unfortunately for him, I’m exceptionally good at discovering pests. We decided to heat up the furnace to teach him a lesson. Dwight’s getting the iron ready, but being the big man himself, you get to do the honors.” Simon explained.

Before Negan could protest, his right hand man lead him into the factory. Arat followed, and everyone else trailed behind them on her command. Truthfully, ironing Toby’s face was the last thing he wanted to do right now. With every step he took, he was hit with an intense nausea peak and came closer to losing it. At this point it wasn’t a matter of if he was going to throw up, it was when. He knew he had a 100 percent chance of seeing his lunch again, and probably soon at that because he felt like he could hurl at any second.

Simon lead him to the railing of the balcony overlooking the common room, and he felt acid creep up his throat as he looked down at the crowd of his lieutenants and workers below. They were all kneeling and bowing like usual, save for Dwight who was heating up the iron, and Toby who had been stripped to his underwear and bound to a chair. Normally Negan relished the sight of his loyal cohorts bowing to him and loved leading them in a charismatic manner, but today he just wasn’t up to it. He straight up felt too sick to give a traitor the iron.

Alas, he couldn’t not do it either. Toby had to be punished, but Negan wasn’t going to bother with taunting. He’d wordlessly give this guy the iron, then lock himself in his ensuite bathroom and spend the rest of the day puking his guts out.

He sluggishly descended the stairs, and he could feel everything in his stomach unpleasantly sloshing around with each step. He stopped in front of Toby, but another wave of vertigo hit him and he had to shut his eyes and brace himself with Lucille to avoid falling over.

Toby was panicking, as victims of the iron always did. He looked up at Negan, pleading.  “I-I’m so sorry sir! I’m stupid, I’m an idiot, I’m a fuck up, just please don’t do this! I’ll never break a rule again! I swear! Please!”

Simon grinned manically and leaned over the bound man. “Toby, Toby, Toby. It sure is a shame it had to come to this, because before your fuck up today, you did a good job here. I liked you. But, you must be a lot dumber than you look if you thought you could get away with that. The thing is, we don’t take too kindly to thieves around here.” he spoke in an upbeat manner, but the aura of threat was there clear as day.

Dwight removed the glowing, red hot iron from the furnace with a long metal pole and extended it to Negan. Toby, who was near tears from the anticipation of that nearly molten metal being pressed to his face, was practically howling with fear.

Negan didn’t take the iron. He was overwhelmed with nausea, and he could taste the acid that was threatening to shoot up his throat. Lucille was limp in his grip, his mouth flooded with saliva and he moaned as he a felt a hot, burning sensation rapidly start spreading through his gut. That could only mean one thing. He was going to puke, right here, right now, and there wasn’t a single thing he could do about it.

His followers had suspected something was off upon noticing how quiet he had become, but by now nearly everyone had realized that something was amiss. Arat cocked her head and gave him a questioning look, and many others followed suit.

Simon turned away from Toby and rose a brow at Negan. “What’s going on with you? Is there something I should know about?”

“I..I...oh fu-” Negan was cut off mid sentence by a retch. He felt his stomach contract and before he could even move, a torrent of vomit gushed from his mouth, missing Simon by an inch and hitting Toby square in the chest.

“Holy fuck! What the hell Negan?!” Simon leapt back to avoid getting nailed. Several other people flinched back as well, and even Arat looked shocked.

Toby audibly cried out in revulsion as the chunky brown substance slid down his torso. “Oh god! He just puked on me!”

Negan clamped a hand over his mouth and turned away from the man, but it was no use. Puke spurted from between his fingers and dripped down onto his nice leather jacket before he gagged again and completely lost control. Lucille clattered to the ground as he puked all over the floor, splashing the feet of one of his guards as he did so.

Dizziness swept over him and caused him to lose his balance. He dropped to his knees and moaned as he clutched his stomach with both hands. A second later he erupted with more chunks, making the pool in front of him bigger. Another copious wave comprised of spaghetti, rolls, lemonade and everything else he’d eaten came up, and before he could even recover from that he vomited again.

Everyone was staring at him in shocked silence, and no one wanted to go near him for fear of getting puked on.

Negan’s eyes were starting to water from the force of his retching, which he found humiliating. He wasn’t embarrassed about throwing up in front of everyone, because he couldn’t help it. However, the idea of involuntarily crying in front of them was very off putting. He was given a second to catch his breath before his stomach lurched and he continued to puke profusely on the concrete floor. Just when he thought he had nothing left inside him to bring up, he’d be proven wrong seconds later.

A flash of light suddenly brightened the room, and he realized that someone had just taken a picture of him. He didn’t have time to be angry about it though, as an agonizing jab of pain tore through his abdomen. He retched noisily as a small amount of putrid tasting liquid flowed from his mouth, and it was immediately followed by a mouthful of something that tasted even worse.

This was pure agony, Negan wouldn’t wish it upon his worst enemy. Sure, he’d eaten a lot, but this was ridiculous. Was he actually going to puke himself to death as everyone looked on in horror? Were his actual guts going to come up next? He briefly wondered which of his organs he’d see first.

Fortunately he never got the answer to that question. When nothing else came up after thirty seconds, he figured he was finally done. There was a lingering string dripping from his mouth, so he spat it into the lake of puke in front of him.

“Fuck,” he exclaimed. It was all he could think to say.

When he looked up, the first thing he saw was Eugene looking at him. The portly scientist was holding a camera and gazing at him with his usual stony faced expression.

“I apologize for the photography,” he began. “However, I must admit that I am thoroughly, utterly, downright impressed by what you just did. Never in my entire life have I witnessed someone throw up like that. Hell, I didn’t even know it was humanly possible for so much vomit to come out of one person. Thus, I felt it was necessary to document it in the name of science.”

Negan truthfully didn’t know what to say to that. For once, he was at a loss for words. Then again, he did see Eugene’s logic. If he didn’t feel absolutely godawful, he’d be impressed with himself too. He scanned over the damage he did and realized Eugene was right. He had produced an insane amount of puke. Not only did he basically destroy the floor and Toby, it was all over himself too. It was on his jacket, his right hand, his pants and his boots.

As he knelt there, the situation was quickly becoming awkward because everyone was still silently staring at him. He felt someone grip his arm and help him up, and he wasn’t surprised that it was Simon. Of course it was. Negan could always count on him.

Arat stepped up next. “What the fuck are you all staring at? Back to work!” she commanded firmly. At her order, people began to disperse.

She stalked over to Toby, untied him, then pushed him down and threw a mop at him. “Clean this shit up.” she motioned to the huge mess Negan made. “If I’m not satisfied, you’re losing all your points.”

Despite feeling outright terrible, Negan smiled at that. He could always count on Arat and Simon to take charge and get stuff done. Not only that, but people listened to them.

Negan was rather unsteady on his feet, but he insisted that he didn’t need any assistance. He wasn’t an elderly woman who needed help crossing the street, he was a grown ass man. He could take care of himself. Still, Simon followed him anyway to make sure he didn’t pass out, which Negan was secretly grateful for. He’d never admit it though.

Once they arrived at the door to Negan’s bedroom, Simon addressed him.

“So, I’ve got to ask,” he began. “Should I head down to Alexandria and pick up that priest? The one with the creepy smile? Father Gabriel, right? I think an exorcism might be in order, because that was seriously some demonic possession style level shit back there!”

“Simon, I feel like shit that took a shit, ate said shit, and puked that shit right back up. That’s what I feel like right now.” Negan ranted. “But if I suddenly start speaking ancient Latin or bringing Rick supplies instead of taking them, then by all means, summon the preacher.”

His mind flashed to Rick, and he wondered what the man would think of him now, pitifully sick and covered in his own vomit. Rick would probably get off on it, or at least laugh hysterically. Maybe he’d even swipe Lucille and use her to put Negan out of his misery.

He sent Simon to find him some anti nausea medicine, or at least some Pepto Bismol, then slunk into his room. A hot shower was in order. When he wasn’t feeling well a long hot shower usually made him feel better, even if the relief was only temporary. He rinsed his mouth out to get rid of the acrid puke taste, then strode over to the shower and cranked on the hot water.

A scalding hot shower followed by a nap sounded like heaven. Hopefully he’d feel a little better afterwards, or at least well enough to drink some water. He didn’t want to get dehydrated. He looked at his reflection in the bathroom mirror and was taken aback at how pale he was. He almost looked dead. Maybe he should have Simon fetch Father Gabriel after all.

He chuckled weakly at the thought of himself tied to a bed as Gabriel stood over him, thrusting a crucifix in his face and shouting “DEMON! Exit this man’s body! The power of Christ compels you! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!” It would be pretty badass.

The water coming from the shower was so hot that steam was rising from the shower head, but that’s exactly what Negan wanted at the moment. He stripped off his soiled clothes and stepped in. Once the water hit him, he relaxed and felt a tiny bit better. He’d be fine in no time.

The shower had helped for all of twenty minutes. The relief he’d felt gradually faded away once he’d shut the water off, stepped out and changed into clean clothes. The nausea slowly came crawling back, wrecking havoc on his insides once more. It wasn’t long before he felt genuinely nauseous again.

At the moment, Negan was sitting on one of the small couches in his room with his head in his hands and a plastic bucket between his feet. As sick as he felt, he was stuck in that awful limbo where he wasn’t sure if he was going to throw up or not. He considered using the old finger down the throat trick but wasn’t sure if it would help much. Chances are he was going to feel absolutely terrible until whatever was causing this was filtered out of his system.

There was a knock at the door, and before Negan gave permission, it swung open to reveal Simon and Eugene.

“Hey buddy! How are you feeling?” Simon beamed at him.

Negan only groaned in response. A pink object was thrust in front of him. It was a bottle of Pepto Bismol.

“Here you go. Pepto Bismol, just as requested. I even got you a wine glass so you can drink it in style.” Simon added.

Eugene, who was holding a container in his hands, stepped towards Negan.

“It is my understanding that you likely cannot retain food and will not be able to for roughly twelve to twenty four hours. However it is imperative that you stay nourished, so I have taken it upon myself you offer you some leftovers. Sardine macaroni, made by yours truly.”

The scientist removed the lid and held the steaming bowl out to Negan.

The yellowish grey macaroni was loaded up with shriveled, oily sardines and the occasional fish eye or fin sliver here and there. Negan stared at it with repugnance for a second before the overwhelming fish smell coming from it flipped the switch on his nausea and triggered another vomiting episode.

Negan gagged and bent forward as he threw up all over the floor between his feet, somehow missing the bucket completely. Acting quickly, he picked it up and held it in his lap, getting it in place right in time to send another wave of puke splashing into it. He just barely got it all inside.

“Damn. How do you have anything left inside you?” Simon commented as he looked on with amusement. The expression on his face implied he was enjoying the show, perhaps in a very inappropriate way.

Eugene gave him a strange look as he realized that the lieutenant seemed overly interested in watching the lead savior puke his guts out. He couldn’t decipher why someone would get exited about that, but then again he had many odd quirks of his own.

Negan was too busy throwing up to notice that, so he responded by raising his middle finger at Simon. It was all he could do at the moment. His whole body lurched as an agonizing retch tore through him and more brown liquid poured from his mouth. By this point it was all liquid, except for a few solids that had been lurking in the very bottom of his stomach. It tasted truly awful and burned his throat as it came up. He heaved twice more before he was done. He had filled the bucket about a third of the way, and set it on the floor when he was sure no more was coming.

He flopped back and let himself sink into the couch. There was no word in existence intense enough to accurately describe how bad he felt. He didn’t know how it was possible, but he somehow felt even worse than he had before. The nausea wasn’t subsiding, his throat felt like it was on fire, his head was pounding, his eyes were watering and he still felt dizzy as well. He shut his eyes and remained silent for a minute before finally speaking.

“Eugene,” he began, gesturing at the offending bowl of sardine macaroni, “Get that shit away from me, or else I will projectile vomit all over you and you’ll be washing my lunch out of that fine mullet of yours.”

Eugene, not wanting to risk damage to his hair, promptly closed the lid on the bowl. “Fair enough. Sardines are a very particular brand of acquired taste. But if you ever change your mind, the offer is still on the table.”

“I think my face says it all when I say I’m a bit confused. Tell me, what would possess a sane man to think that sardines belong in mac and cheese? Why would you do that?” Simon asked him in a bewildered fashion.

“Because I like sardines.” Eugene explained. “Wether you find them palatable morsels of mercury infused goodness or downright appalling is irrelevant. Because at the end of the day, I did not make this for you.”

“Hey! One of you two assholes want to get me some water? Or are you just going to let me die?” Negan piped up from his position on the couch.

As if by magic, the door opened up again, this time signaling Arat’s arrival. She was holding a couple bottles of spring water. She looked from Negan to the partway full bucket to the puke on the floor and cringed a bit.

“You look like shit,” she said bluntly. “You’re not going to die on us, are you?”

“I might, Arat. I might. I am completely fucking out of commission. You’re in charge until I get better. These two,” he gestured to Eugene and Simon, “are going to take care of me.” Negan explained. He was laying on his back now, with half closed eyes.

Arat blinked in surprise. “Really?”

Negan nodded. “Go ahead. Pick up Lucille. Just remember to treat her like she’s your best friend in the whole world, and everything will be great. She’s a fickle mistress. She won’t tell you if she gets thirsty, so that’s up to you to figure out.”

The woman walked over to where Lucille was propped up against the wall. She picked the bat up, gave it a few test swings and smiled.

“Nice. I can see why you love her so much. Don’t worry, I’ll treat her like the magnificent lady she is.” Arat complimented. Though what she didn’t say was that she planned on referring to ‘her’ as ‘him’ or ‘Adrian’ as long as the bat was in her hands. She swung Adrian over her shoulder and gave Negan a bottle of water. “Here. Get better, and don’t die. This place needs you.”

With that, she turned and sauntered from the room.

The cool water felt amazing running down Negan’s irritated throat. He could feel the cold travel down his throat and spread through his stomach. Unfortunately, the euphoria was quickly replaced by nausea as his body swiftly began to reject the liquid.

“Oh god fucking damnit.” He bolted upright, swiped the bucket from the floor, and promptly threw up all the water he just drank.

Eugene awkwardly stared at Simon, who was starting to fidget as he watched Negan puke up all the water. It dawned on him that the other man was not repulsed, but aroused, which puzzled him greatly. He chose not to comment on it for the time being, but decided to amuse himself with a little experiment. He took the bucket away from Negan, who collapsed back onto the couch.

“Caring for others is not exactly my forte. I’ve always stayed in my own lane, and looked out only for me, myself and I. You could say that I’m selfish and be correct in that assumption. However, you have provided me with safety, shelter and all the ingredients I need to make my infamous sardine macaroni. Thus, after I dispose of the rather revolting contents of this pail I am going to scrounge around for some books. Medical books, to be precise. After reading up on the subject, I will do my best to lead you to a speedy recovery.”

Negan felt far too bad to even consider protesting as the scientist left the room, leaving him alone with Simon, who was doing his best to hide the very obvious hard on he had. He’d never hear the end of it if anyone found out that he got off on watching Negan vomit. He deliberately thought about unpleasant things, such as Fat Joey doing jumping jacks naked, to ward off the arousal. It worked.

Like Eugene, Simon wasn’t exactly the world’s best care taker. But, Negan was both his boss and his best friend, so he was going to try even though caring for people, or even just being nice, wasn’t in his nature. He practically had to drag Negan off the couch and onto the bed, as the other man wasn’t putting in any effort what so ever.

“You are way heavier than you look.” he panted as he dropped Negan onto the bed.

Even though he felt worse than he’d ever felt in his life, Negan managed a small snicker. “I wanted to see if you’d actually pick me up and carry me.”

For the next half hour or so, he remained sprawled out over the bed as Simon stayed with him and made sure he was alright. He laid motionless, completely unmoving until the urge to puke wormed its way back yet again. He didn’t even curse this time.

Actually getting up and walking into the bathroom was going to be the difficult part. He had no energy at all, as even moving his head was a strenuous task. By the time he managed to partially sit up, it was already too late. He clasped his hand over his mouth, but it did nothing to stop the acid that was starting to rise. He retched and yellowish bile cascaded over his fingers and onto the white T shirt he was wearing. Having accepted defeat, he rolled onto his side and puked all over his bedsheets. He didn’t even try to get off the bed. Well past the point of caring, he simply laid there as waves of bile gushed from his mouth. In the midst of heaving he heard a sharp gasp come from beside the bed, then what sounded like no followed by a string of obscenities.

Negan dry heaved a couple times, then moaned and curled up into a ball. He didn’t even care that he was covered in his own vomit for the second time today. Nor did he care who saw him or who knew. He, the big bad wolf, had essentially been reduced to a defenseless pup and he felt too shitty to give even a fraction of a crap about it. Hell, Rick could be standing over him, Lucille in hand, about to give him a taste of his own medicine and he wouldn’t care. That’s how awful he felt. The nausea was finally beginning to recede a little, but he was in a lot of pain due to the sheer amount he had thrown up over the past couple hours. He thought he may have broken some sort of world record. He felt like he had at least a dozen acid tipped knives stuck in various places around his guts and throat. Even breathing hurt.

“Am I dead yet?” he groaned hoarsely. His voice was somewhat muffled as his face was buried in one of the pillows.

“No.” Simon looked flustered but also concerned for Negan’s well being. He awkwardly shifted position.

“How about now?”

“No.”

“Simon?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you just cum in your pants?”

“.......n....yes.....”

“I knew it.”

Simon wasn’t a prudish or easily frazzled person, but he suddenly found himself unable to look at Negan and wished that a walker would sneak up on him and rip his throat out.

“I don’t blame you,” Negan said deliriously. He was so exhausted and worn out that he was falling asleep despite the intense pain. “Because....”

He trailed off for a second, on the verge of sleep.

“....every fucking thing I do is hot.”

[entireoranges-creativity]

Rumors

Title: Rumors Fandom: Figure Skating Ship: VirtueMoir Note: Ok so this one of those stories where I had no real plans I just wrote and let my muse lead me where it felt necessary. It lead me here ... to be honest I’m not sure if I’m that happy with the results. But I figured I might as well share it. Disclaimer: This is a fictional story based on real people if that makes you uneasy don’t read. Also do not link on any sites without my permission.

“Shit. Shit. Shit.” Scott eyebrows perk up and a smirk develops as he listens to Tessa mutter with growing frustration from across the room as she scrolled through her cellphone.

“What’s up T?”

“Oh nothing. Well besides the fact I’m apparently pregnant. Of course your the father.” He chuckles shaking his head.

“Yeah yeah we already knew that. Isn’t our secret love child like five by now? God we’re horrible parents!’ Rumors had always been circulating over their relationship status. Assumptions, stories, and boldface lies were attached to both their names. Scott always rolled his eyes at them and never really gave them consideration. The ignore it they’ll go away mindset. T

‘I mean its the same shit as always. Twisting everything around, adding inflection that clearly wasn’t there. Most people don’t believe that stuff. So what’s the difference this time Tess?”

“The difference is I threw up during a performance about three weeks ago? Remember?” How could he forget? She had literally vomited on him during one of their lifts. Scott’s memory was full of happy and blessed memories with Tessa; that was not one of them.

“Yeah I am aware of it. You had food poisoning. I told you that fish didn’t look right.” Tessa glares at him; she was really getting tired of him bringing that up.

“According to the internet that was just a rouse to cover up the fact that I’m actually pregnant. Based on the assumption we all eat the same stuff while on tour and since nobody else got sick then the food narrative poisoning is a lie. Oh and because I haven’t discussed what happened besides the initial tweet people think I’m hiding something.”

“Yeah because it’s perfectly normal for people to discuss in details pouts of food poisoning and getting violently ill in public. Seriously Tessa don’t let it bother you. Like all the other rumors it will end. I mean I can sorta see these kooks believing we’re hiding one kid. But two? We’d be arrested!” He raises from his seat and walks over to her placing a hand on her shoulder.

“It gets frustrating. Tiresome I suppose is a better description. It’s hard to live when every move you make is underneath a thousand microscopes. The worst part is that no matter what I say about any subject or personal opinion someone out there will think I’m lying.”

“As I said most people out there don’t believe that shit. And I have a feeling a lot of those who do post those idiotic rumors and strange pieced together speculations deep down they realize its just a fantasy. A bit of fun.”

“Yeah but it’s starting to leave the fan generated social sites and some more reputable sources are starting to ask questions and make assumptions.’ Tessa drops her head and sighs. ‘I’m just emotionally exhausted from all of it. I’ve tried being nice, have been brutally honest, just plain ignored everything. Its never the right approach. How does it not get to you?”

“Because I have better things to worry about. It helps I don’t pay attention to shit like this.’ He leans over and taps her phone. ‘You should too.” She scoffs.

“It’s not that easy Scott. The world now runs on social media. You gotta take the good with the bad. I just wish the bad wasn’t so shitty. Ugh sorry. Guess I’m just having a bad day.” Scott squeezes her neck.

“Don’t worry about it. You’re allowed. Hey!” Tessa squirms in her seat to face him.

“Yes?”

“A bad day? Feeling moody?”

“I never said that.”

“You didn’t need to.” Tessa tries to glare at him but soon begins to smile; she couldn’t actually refute what he said.

“Fine whatever.”

“I know its not that time of the month.” He had her cycle memorized by the time she was seventeen, sometimes more aware of its upcoming arrival then she is.

“Is there a point to this?”

“Maybe you are pregnant!” Scott gasp dramatically.

“Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious.”

“Just one question whose the father?’ Tessa shakes her head returning to attention to her phone. ‘Well? Who’s ass do I need to kick?”

“Don’t you have anything better to do?”

“No, not really. Seriously though who would it be?” She turns the phone back to the home screen and repositions herself again to look at him.

“Scott I’m not pregnant. I haven’t even had sex with anyone in....well whose counting! So why the question?’ He shrugs and suddenly becomes obsessed with looking at his feet. ‘Scott? Look at me.” After a few moments he does.

“What?”

“Why do you have this weird desire to know who’d the father of my fictional baby would be?”

“I don’t. I was just messing around.” He gives a strained laugh and playful swats her back.

“Stop lying. You really do suck at it.”

“I’m jealous.” He mumbles.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m jealous.” He says louder.

“Of what?!”

“Nothing.”

“Jesus Scott! Are you actually jealous of the idea I had a child with someone else?! A child that does not exist?!’ He just shrugs again. ‘And people actually think we have a relationship! God you can’t even tell me how you feel!’ Its at that moment Scott seemingly springs to life leans down and kisses her, hard, passionately, and almost desperately. Tessa responds by jerking away and to her feet.

‘What the hell Scott?!” The reality of what he did washes over him. He had no right to do that. To treat or anyone else for that matter like that. He was raised better then that.

“God T I’m sorry.” He wants to say more, she deserves more but nothing comes to mind.

“Scott I can’t do this. I really can’t. I feel like I’m drowning and you’re holding me under the water. You scoff and laugh at these bullshit rumors of babies and quick kisses during performances. You say or do nothing to help end them. Your silence speaks louder then you realize. Leaving it up to me to try to extinguish the flames. Meanwhile I have no idea how you really feel!”

“You’re better at that stuff. With the rumors and speculation aspect I mean. If you want me to get more vocal in trying to stop them I will. I can become a first class dick.” Tessa’s eyes soften. She knew he’d try but he didn’t have it in him to be a dick.

“I just don’t want all the pressure on me. These rumors are about us. Or maybe there not rumors?” He throws his head back and laughs.

“So you are pregnant!” She rolls her eyes.

“Scott....”

“I know. I know. Sorry. You should know how I feel.” He takes a step towards her.

“How? How am I supposed to know? You never say anything and when you do its like you’re reading from a script. You flirt, you kiss me! You say during press conferences you want to possibly pursue a relationship, but then you never discuss it with me! You get jealous over the idea I’d have a child with someone else. Then go back to making jokes. Scott I thought the fans on social media made my head spin but its you.” Scott runs his hand through his hair his eyes returning to the floor.

“I can’t discuss how I feel because I don’t know how I feel.”

“Stop lying.”

“I’m not!” She this time moves forward until she’s able to press her finger into his chest.

“Then stop hiding. Talk to me Scott.”

“I don’t want things to change.” His voice is soft.

“What would make them change?” She knew but she was gonna make him face it.

“If I admit I like you. If I admit I love you. If I admit the idea of you with another guy kills me. If I admit I can’t be strong enough for you. You’re right I back away from these rumors, I don’t help when I force you to handle everything. And I know the pressure is killing you. Tessa? What if that reality can’t hold up to what we have now?” She moves her hand up and caresses the side of his face. He leans into the touch closing his eyes.

“We won’t have to hide anymore. We won’t have to dodge the rumors.” He reopens his eyes.

“It could fail.”

“We have never failed at anything. I love you Scott. Simple as that. But if you truly are not ready or willing for this I understand. Life will continue on as it always had. I’m sure within the next ten years we’ll be up to four kids which are surprisingly never seen!”

“Prodigy ice dancing kids.”

“Of course.”

“All with your green eyes.” Tessa blushes.

“I’m okay with the fantasy. If that’s all you want Scott.” He shakes his head.

“I’m not. I want the reality. I want you.” He leans in and kisses her again. This time a real gentleman kiss.

“I still can’t believe you were actually jealous of a rumor.” She mutters a few seconds later after the kiss ended.

“I still can’t believe you ate that fish.”

“I swear to God if you bring that up one more time this will end before it begins!”

“Duly noted. So what now?” Tessa shrugs.

“I suppose we just do what we always do. And right now I’m thinking I could use some dinner. Interested in joining me?”

“Of course. I heard of a really good sea food pla...”

“Scott!”

“What? I didn’t say fish!” She throws her head back and joyfully laughs.

“Fine. Yeah sounds good.”

+++THE END+++

[lilietsblog]

my mirai nikki liveblog notes from last night

yandere is a gross and creepy fandom trope beloved by gross and creepy fandom dudes but I really like Mirai Nikki and personally Gasai Yuno, and I hope she finds some stability in her mind orrr she could kill either herself or Yukki to get the other to be the god of time and space and I'm honestly not sure which of those would be a healthier decision or more fascinating to watch. but i dont want this ending bc of the cop )= (my taste in anime is impeccable)

I like how Yukki is still majorly creeped out by Yuno, even if making out with her is no longer even a Big Thing for him

WHY DID THIS THING JUST HAPPEN THIS IS LIKE THE WORST POSSIBLE SCENARIO HONESTLY WHAT THE FUCK I like the girl just snapping photos of everything I aspire to be this chill

Yuno if you fuck up Yukki's friendships because you are jealous I'm going to be very cross with you that's exactly what you're going to do isn't it I mean you've been 100% right about Tsubasa and you've been actually very charismatic with Yukki's mom but I can just feel the trainwreck coming

huh, they all end up just hanging out together, that's surprisingly nice I'm glad things other than blood and carnage are allowed to happen in this anime it won't last long will it

shine shine shine wow Yuno maybe chill

Mao and Hinata, I swear I'm going to remember this

HINATA PLEASE OH PLEASE DON'T GET MURDERED BY A SERIAL KILLER WHAT THE FUCK ANIME WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME THESE THOUGHTS DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE HAVE ME BE RIGHT ABOUT THE FORESHADOWING

okay what followed was teeth snapping not blood from a bitten throat so maybe she won't die after all thank god

NO HINATA WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO GET EATEN ON PURPOSE YOU ARE THE PUREST CREATURE IN THIS ENTIRE ANIME PLEASE DONT DIE

guys you are discussing it with them walking right behind you how well have you thought this through I guess they were further behind?

I SURE HOPE RUNNING CHANGED THE FUTURE AND SHE IS STILL ALIVE

Akise is another Diary owner isn't he

I feel Yukki on his Definite Overload With Everything

I sure hope those are not Akise's dogs that Akise deliberately set on them to engineer this situation

hm well at least this is not personally Akise, doesn't mean he's not affiliated with this guy at the very least they seem to share hair color

I love Mary tho

hmmm this might actually not be the guy with the flesh eating dogs, these look different okay I'm holding off on further speculation right now and giving it a tentative 50/50, as well as to Akise turning out to have been behind the attack

okay what the FUCK that looks like Hinata

fuuuck i am SO tempted to like Akise but that would also come with a sore wish to have him Join The Team and I hoped that for Tsubasa too >_> my heart can't take it

...that feeling when Yuno is being the Voice of Reason

aaand it's gone

shit I hope Yukki figures out what to do about this shit situation because I'm out of ideas HEY NICE PUTTING THAT DIARY TO WORK I SURE AS SHIT HOPE THERE WON'T BE AS MANY DEAD BODIES AS WITH THE SIXTH THO TO BE FAIR THEY WERENT NAMED CHARACTERS I HOPE THESE KIDS' PLOT PURPOSE IS NOT TO DIE POINTLESSLY HINATA WAS ENOUGH OF A SACRIFICE WHICH I WAS RIGHT ABOUT BTW DEPRESSINGLY ENOUGH STILL DIDN'T EXPECT THIS THO this anime just kind of keeps escalating in ways I fail to expect time after time

please Yukki don't tell them about your diary there's nothing about that that's not a bad idea don't drag them into this aaand of course that's what you're doing and once again, Yuno is me

aaand there's Mao isn't there fuck not the one I was expecting at least thank you Akase for it not being you

okay Hinata is alive that's fair enough except she won't be for long will she why must you take away Pure things from me anime why ugggghhhh

a Breeder's diary??? oh right dogs whew

oh my god Akise too????? okay this is kind of hilarious now I hope they go for a reverse of the temple thing and he actually gets to join the squad I guess the girls were doomed because of Yuno anyway but he has a chance

so I think Deus rigged this whole game specifically for Yukki his random observations diary made the future diary a very interesting idea and a very powerful tool but then Deus threw a bunch of various... interesting characters into it, and I imagine physical proximity (or ability and willingness to get around fast) and, ah, interestingness of character were the main criteria, and he went for ANY kind of diary at all, which made most of theirs much less potent

another thing I'm thinking is I've been noticing the small child holding hands with ?parents? in the end credits for a while, and it looks like Hinata, and she might be an important character

maybe this anime just burned through a few expendable characters at the beginning to set up the situation and create the athmosphere, and the main plot is going to be about a bunch of high schoolers after all, because that's just how anime rolls - high schoolers would be the major characters out of the whole bunch of diary owners

so maybe they're not all dying next episode is what i'm trying to say

Murmur is amazing btw

hum so Akise got his diary late? or does he not have one after all oh my god I love Akise so much already his expression here like 'i can't believe i'm going along with this' and yet he's going along with this like sure ok

aaand SUDDEN DORK MODE oh no I have a new favorite character please don't turn out to secretly be a mass murderer that's all I ask ;~; hum might he not actually have a diary after all dammit these are supposed to be post credit scenes not revealing plot twists I'm just confusing myself at this point aren't I

lol oh my god they thought Akise was a diary owner but he's just a guy who's good at investigation isn't he

or is he??? godfuckingdammit I need to stop doing this to myself theorizing is a bad habit that I get way too into I don't like bumpy rides of plot twists I like being able to follow what the fuck is going on )=

yeah he does not have a diary nor any idea what's going on does he lol I called it seconds before Yuno caught on it's kind of interesting how it seems her job is to be the genre savvy one, whose usefulness is however kind of fucked up by her brain cockroaches

Yuno??????? why are you doing this HE IS TRYING TO WIN BACK YUKKI'S DIARY WHY WHY WHY HE IS ON YOUR SIDE DOn'T FUCK UP HIS GAME

I guess she caught on that he was bluffing but??? ??? ???

and Akise's just going nuts and laughing because what else is left to do honestly

Akise why are you so fucking likable how dare you I'm actually angry at this development HAVE A FLAW DAMN YOU I CANNOT RELAX BECAUSE OF THIS SHIT I CANNOT TRUST WHAT I AM SEEING THIS FUCKING ANIME

oh man I thought they were lesbians when Mao first brought up that she's taken, but this is V Cute

oh my fucking god Akise have you MISSED Yuno's thing in your investigation or are you doing this ON PURPOSE

wait what just happened was that yandere on yandere combat or what

Mao what the fuck were you doing

Yuno you are an ASSHOLE I hope everyone other than Yukki keeps just ignoring everything you say and do

I love this one normal guy who's kind of a dick and just reacts normally to things and his contrast to Akise whom I love

honestly Yukki I agree I think I DON'T WANT TO is the only argument Yuno can be receptive to

oooor that only makes things worse huh Yuno honey please settle down believe in Yukki a little more than that

oh hey good solution even if it's just getting yourself deeper in I guess in a BLOOD DEATH situation it's kind of the best available option

"You don't want me to hate you, do you?" A+ game Yukki hit her where it hurts aka explain basic facts of human relationships >_>

aaand yep he's freaking out because he doesn't even like her that way and he's getting deeper and deeper in )=

oh my god Hinata's dad do you realize you've GIVEN HER YOUR DIARY YOU DUMB FUCK ALL ANYONE PRESENT NEEDS TO DO TO KILL YOU IS BREAK IT

uuunless that was a lie huh can't deny that possibility

lol Akise also has voice of reason tendencies <3

hum okay dammit I liked the cop a lot then again Akise is like him+ as far as having an Awesome detective character goes and Yukki has a Squad his age now I'm surprised by how well this went actually

another episode and I'm going to sleep (yes i'm aware these are Cursed Words but what if I'm lucky)

Yuno? Uh, are you okay?...

see the thing is I really can't find a way to apply to this anime the standards of 'healthy relationship with a mentally ill person' because PEOPLE ARE DYING AND EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE LET'S PUT THAT OFF UNTIL THE FUCKING GAME IS OVER like Yukki can't just ditch Yuno because she keeps fucking saving his life??? and Yuno can't just resolve to Not Murder because that keeps fucking saving both of their lives??? they can't do what would have been the Reasonable Thing To Do under normal circumstances because these SURE AS FUCK AREN'T NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES

oh please girl are you sure anyone's MAKING you do anything

wait what the fuck is going on here oh it's Murmur fucking around isn't it yep there it is

hum

okay I'm not sure what's happening like, what? seriously? what the fuck

okay so that's what happened huh that still leaves a lot of holes but okay

uh Akise why what makes you think this is a good idea I mean I've noticed you don't exactly have conventional emotional responses to fucked up stuff either but like seriously

oh Yukki you're starting to become more OK with murder that's just the world you live in huh

awww he cares about her when they are one on one as much as he cares about EVERYONE which he does because he is wonderful and I love him it's just in mixed company that Yuno's stalkerish shit gets lower priority to everyone else's normal shit and Yukki is 100% right in that

aha I'd been wondering whose last name I forgot

ahhh so that's what he was doing that makes more sense than him being a shipper on deck -_- just throwing Yukki under the bus for the sake of investigation that's p much normal... by this anime's standards...

also holy damn Yuno you can work when you try hum self-induced amnesia or something? that's almost a sensible coping mechanism I'm glad the anime is actually paying attention to that

augh what the fuck Kurusu why do you gotta hum and there's that other detective uuugh this anime has way too much going on I guess it IS 11 pm and I HAD decided to go to sleep after this

[ancientcalamity]

『                     193 out of 200 followers...                          Pfft, close enough! Hello, everyone!     Thank you all for following me. I'm grateful and... it's been many     years since I last made a Follow Forever or anything like this;     been years since I've trusted people enough to really bother,      so it was hard for me to do. There's going to be that bias list below,     the different people I know/have come to know/am in the process     of getting to know and that have changed me for the better I guess     you could say? So, to all of you, even if you aren't on the list, 

                                    thank you.

I’d like to put a warning here that it gets pretty personal below the cut, so for a tl;dr of the names, they are as follows: 

@guidcnce

@blessedbisha

@divineveena

@hafuriyuki

@calamitouscyan

and last but not least, @shinxki. 

Not only are they extremely skilled as writers, they’re extremely wonderful people altogether. 

Now...

                      If ya continue to read, it’s yer choice now.                                            It’s long.     』

As a child to early teen, I'd gone through multiple different types of abuse ranging from sexual to mental and while I'm not a coo-coo person going out to murder random people (lol) or anything like that, I do have mental illnesses and I've had physical disorder(s?) that I'm still going through/getting past thanks to my history. 

           Each day, I feel horrible waking, honestly.

Don't feel worth it. I'm obnoxious. I'm pushy. I'm clingy. I'm a creep. Still getting to know myself as a person. Still getting to understand emotions again. Still getting to being normal in some way. Still trying to get to the point of not blaming myself for any and everything bad that happens to me or my loved ones.

Those sorta things and of course the other usual stuff besides depression.

Anxiety.

Mild schizophrenia.

Extremely mild dissociative disorder.

aaaaand lastly paranoia.

I don’t think I’m too ‘out there’ with my mental issues and I think I’m sane enough to handle myself out in the world so yeah. My eating disorder isn’t here any longer but I do forget to eat by accident (woops!) so my anemia decides to go 

and so, I, in return, go

“-dies-”

I came to the Noragami roleplaying fandom on October 22nd, 2016, but I wasn’t really... out there and not known to much of anyone. I didn’t post for long periods of time, too, and I just sorta accepted it cuz ya know? I was new. I met a few blogs here and there but low and behold that didn’t work out but I’m pretty used to having shit go down the drain for me. It wasn’t odd or anything for me and for a bit I’d though about deleting, remaking, and going to another fandom. 

Fast-forward to late November-beginning December and I get a follow back by @guidcnce. “Whoa! Cool! A Kazuma! Holy shit a Noragami blog is following me!” I said, getting overly excited as I ate my Oreos that day-- “Lemme check out their blog!” 

Lil’ ol’ me goes to see the blog, I’m happy, excited-- and my eyes fall on @calamitouscyan, @divineveena, and @hafuriyuki.

“....Shit.”

“Okay, so 1.) There’s another Yato and holy fuck, his blog is great, 2.) There’s a BISHAMON ( @divineveena ) but she talks to @calamitouscyan too (fuck me sideways) and 3.) A YUKINE! ( @hafuriyuki ) YAAAA- fuck he tALKS TO @calamitouscyan too?!?!? HOW FUCKING FAMOUS IS THIS DUDE?? Shit, they must’ve been here for such a long time, shit shit shit shit shit--” 

Insert panicking and anxiety filled Cel here! -pops party streamers- WOOOOOOO! Yer not good enough!! Fuck yeah! You got people that’ve not only been here WAY longer than you but your blog LOOKS LIKE TRASH AND SO DO YOUR ICONS! NICE!

Yooooooooooou suuuuuuuck!

I suck it up, keep my emotions to myself and wing it with @guidcnce; I got new followers, I meet with OCs and canon rpers, I talk and plot with people, things goin’ great! Kazuma’s bitch ass is being one of the nicest people I’ve met and holy fuck if it wasn’t for them being so nice/lenient with me I wouldn’t-- WAIT. THAT’S NOT IT!

DID YOU KNOW MY YATO IS NOT A /NORMAL/ YATO??? NO?

...

why the fuck are you reading this then?

Go read my About and Rules, you fucker I swear to GOD I WILL FUCKING END YOUR LI- 

....

..........

...moving on.

Kazuma had the NERVE to not ONLY reply to my starter with them in canon (well written canon might I add if you don’t follow them you might wanna do so cuz ya know they’re great and stuff and mhm good shit-- A-ANYWAYS-), but also responded to my character AS IF THEY WERE IN THE SAME VERSE AND WORLD AND SPEAKIN’ NORMALLY-- I just...

I WAS EMOTIONAL OKAY???? I STILL AM. 

I STILL AM DAMN YOU. 

...They didn’t just treat me right when we met and talked in private but they did so in rp and... I think because of them I started to open up more. Finally, I got in gear with my blog and icons and every thing in general for Tumblr. I made a brand new follow post and I was excited and--

....why are @divineveena, @calamitouscyan, and @hafuriyuki following me??? ........no. 

no.

no.

NO.

NONONONONONONONONONO-- 

I’M NOT READY FOR THIS WHAT IF THEY THINK I’M SHIT WHAT IF THEY MOCK ME WHAT IF THEY TALK ABOUT ME THEY SEEM LIKE FRIENDS I’M NEW WHAT IF-

aaaaand here goes panicking Cel x2.

These people are following me, reblogging from me, SENDING ME ASKS--

I get invited to a group of other people and... I’m afraid. Skeptical and looking back at it, I still am sometimes but... that’s something for another day. 

@calamitouscyan, @divineveena, and @shinxki are the main others there and it feels like going to a party in the Office and you know how everything is awkward? Yeah that. 

There are a few others that I’m sad to say are no longer there but... I don’t hate anyone. Was raised differently than that. 

A month goes by and I feel better to talk to others, a few events have happened, and it looks like I have a brand new roleplay partner! Not only did @calamitouscyan and @shinxki include me in something I never thought I’d do- having an OC shinki, a LIVING-- ...dead? ... breathing? ... 

fuck it, whatever-- AN OC SHINKI THAT WE LITERALLY FIGHT TOGETHER, but they were supportive during the whole time. @hafuriyuki joined us soon and both of the shinki got along and just...

Everyone was together. An actual family and a group. @calamitouscyan turned out to be another ‘self’ (DICEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE) ((don’t ask, they’ll get it)) in not just rp but /outside/ it too because of our cultural similarities and it moved to the point I showed a game I was playing and they joined. THEY JOINED AND WE DANCE TOGETHER IN GAME!

I’M NOT KIDDING, LOOK!

I have a friend to play with! 

Outside of the game, @divineveena ruins my FUCKING life because we managed to make a relationship for Older!Yato and Bishamon, you wouldn’t be able to tell that they tried to kill each other at one point. 

A BrOTP to such a point-- ugh it’s been years.

YEARS.

Trusting people has not been something I do and after YEARS of agony she managed to be my literal best friend and it makes me want to cry.

FUCK WE CAME UP WITH STUPID AS FUCK ‘CRINGE’ MEME ICONS. SHE HAS ONE OF BISHAMON. HERE’S YATO.

It’s AMAZING.

The amount of memes we make it fuckin’ stupid. I love it.

and now there’s another Bishamon- not giving me two of the same type of person but a Bishamon who’s tragic and heartbroken and has problems @divineveena but another who’s ALSO tragic but also healing and softer. @blessedbisha

She has tried her fucking hardest to bring up spirits and cheer up others and just do what she can for each of us- she’s like a mom. I’m Satan of the fandom so someone has to even out my evil deeds- 

SERIOUSLY, though, when things are down and horrible, they keep moving. 

It’s encouraging. 

Both of them. 

They both try so hard for everyone, even in the worst times. 

Even though I know @divineveena more, I highly doubt @blessedbisha is less caring and both of them fuck up my life as Bishamons because...

ya know.

Bishamon likes beating me up and                       ruining my day SO YEAH.

....then there’s @shinxki.

I believe I met her around two or three months ago, after meeting the other Yato and Bishamon. 

.......

...............

-deep breath-

When I ‘like’ a friend or someone it’s not /that/ type of crush. Not lovey dovey so don’t go cringing away from this post just yet. 

                It’s like...  earlier I said I get clingy; I’ve been abandoned before, multiple times, whether it be for my sexual orientation, my race, my gender issues, my mental issues, my bluntness, or whatever the fuck else people have blown up on me and told me before they left, I’ve been dropped and left. Even recently, when I first started this blog, someone did it within a week because I left to give them space after we had a disagreement. It’s still affecting me, even now. I don’t...

I don’t do well with people hiding things or forgetting me or leaving me behind. I have the phobia about being forgotten or abandoned. It’s full blown and it isn’t pretty. I hate it, but when there’s someone who puts effort into me or something I like and at the same time they talk to me about their issues and don’t hide those things from me and trust me and want to actually bother with me and put up with me and it’s just

-rambling- 

IT’S LIKE

“THIS IS MY FRIEND. THIS IS /THAT/ FRIEND. THIS IS THE MAJOR FRIEND. LOOK AT THEM. LOOK. DO YOU SEE THEM? THIS IS THE BAE OKAY LOOK.”

I guess what I’m saying is she’s close. She means a lot and I’m grateful that she

-puts up with me -likes me as a friend -is my shinki -is my ship-friend -is honest with me -is blunt -goes off on me -snaps at me -gets mad at me -doesn’t put me on a pedestal -doesn’t hide things from me

the list goes on but I guess you get the point.

......When I was either 11 or 12 or somewhere near that age, I made a promise to myself, not a nice one and the date of that promise is coming but/and for the first time in a long while, and I mean years again, I don’t know what to think about it and I’m not sure if things will end up going to that point. 

To be fair, the only thing I really want now is a job and to go to school. I have a great mom and I actually have friends so... that’s all I want and... 

...I think I’d be okay if I had that. 

Maybe a therapist and/or a counselor again, too (lmao)...

but... I have these guys to thank for helping me get as far as I have. My life only seems like it’s a downward spiral but they all make me so happy and I owe a lot to them. I’m brash, harsh, blunt, depressed, anxious, and all around a not very pleasant person to be around and all of them try for me and each other. ...They all put themselves down or they’re unhappy in some way and it hurts, because they mean so much more than that and I don’t know what else to do for them. 

I’m a person behind a computer screen so...  -shrugs- 

A ‘thank you’ isn’t really enough. Not a simple one, anyways. 

You each mean a lot to not only me but others and I want you and other people to know that. I’m not dead yet, so ya have to be doin’ something correct, right? 

...

I’mma stop rambling and leave this here for you all, alright?

                              𝑚𝑎𝑦 𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑓𝑎𝑡𝑒𝑠 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑡𝑤𝑖𝑛𝑒.

                                                                  - 𝖈𝖊𝖑.

[jbankai89]

The Stag and The Snake Part I, Chapter Six - Complications

My good friend and braintwin @kuriquinn suggested I try posting my actual fics on Tumblr, rather than just linking them, so I'm giving it a try. For those of you following my work on AO3 or AFF, these will be reposts until I'm caught up and everything is posted. :)

Title: The Stag and the Snake

Author: JBankai89

Status: Complete, Part 1: 12/12 Part 2: 22/22

Rating: Part 1: PG-13, Part 2: NC-17 Fandom: Harry Potter

Pairing: Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin

Achievements: None

Warnings: Violence and Gore, Violent Sexual Assault, Minor Character Death

Summary: Vernon Dursley is enraged with the prospect of raising a boy he never wanted. Petunia recalls something that might help them get the child out of their hair more quickly. Overcoming their recalcitrance for anything magical, they invoke The Rite of Betrothal. Who will Harry be forced to marry, and will he be able to cope with all the demands it will entail?

Word Count: Part 1: 46 772 Part 2: 85 442

Other Links: AO3, AFF, LJ

Notes: Please note that this fic also contains Evil!Snape, which is a trope I hate, because Sev is my favourite character, but for the purposes of this story, he worked best.

This fic is based on the story of The Swan Princess, which I will be following the canon of in conjunction with the HP canon. Canon divergences include Voldemort is definitely dead, Lucius Malfoy is a bit OOC, and Sirius did not go to Azkaban. Because most of the story takes place before and after Hogwarts, a lot of the Hogwarts years are glossed over. I tried to keep the links and stuff organized how they did it on the old LJ group MyChemicalSlash, so I hope this is clean enough for you guys to follow easily.

Previous Chapter

Fic Masterpost

Chapter 6 – Complications

The trip home had been less than fun.

“What did he mean, Sirius? What did he mean?” Harry had asked in a tone nothing short of panic, “I don't have to come back, do I? Draco's mean! I don't want to be his friend!”

The poor boy was practically in tears by the time they crossed the threshold, and Sirius felt utterly helpless as he watched the little boy cling to his hand tightly, his knuckles white, and he seemed to be teetering between a deep desire to vocalize his distress, and genuine fear of being reprimanded for doing so. Remus gave Sirius a significant look, to which he nodded minutely.

“Come on Harry, you'll feel better in the morning,” Sirius picked him up, and Harry's little arms instinctively wrapped around his neck, and he pressed his head into Sirius's shoulder. The soft sniffling of the little boy trying to keep himself from crying almost broke him.

Being a parental figure to the child of his postmortem best friend was exhausting on many levels, especially considering that though he and Remus had spent the better part of the last five years preparing to take Harry in, Sirius had been wholly unprepared for the little James doppëlganger he had been confronted with.

The illusion had been crushed almost at once as Sirius saw almost nothing of James in him, save his appearance. Instead, Sirius found a deeply sensitive boy who had been deprived from any form of comfort or love for far too long. It pained Sirius more than he thought possible, and he absolutely hated having to push Harry into this.

After he tucked Harry into bed, Sirius joined Remus on their sofa, and he pressed his fingers into his temples with a soft groan.

“That was about as fun as arm wrestling a grindylow,” he muttered while he took a steadying breath, and raked his fingers through his tangled hair. “God, the poor kid. After all the shit those muggles put him through, I hate making him do this.” He looked up then and saw a small roll of parchment in Remus's hand, and smiled bitterly. “More good news?” he asked, and Remus's mouth twitched; Sirius couldn't tell if Remus wanted to smile or grimace.

“Dumbledore blocked our Petition for Adoption. He says because of Lily's protection Harry gets...there, it would be ill-advised for him to no longer consider it a home.” He sighed, and reached out to lace his fingers with Sirius's. “He also said that he can confirm, with absolute certainty, that Voldemort is definitely gone, though,” he said while his mouth broke into a small smile. “So that's something.”

“Then why would Albus want to keep sending Harry back to those abusers if Voldemort's gone?” He knew the man was brilliant, but sometimes his thought process utterly baffled him.

“Many Death Eaters are still at large, ones that would mean Harry harm if he were to stop considering that place as a home.” Remus sighed and dropped the letter onto the table, then his fingers moved to rub the bridge of his nose with his index finger and thumb. “And now that the Courting has officially begun, Albus is extra concerned for Harry's safety. The undercover Aurors in place, the extra protective enchantments around the Malfoy Manor as well as our own flat...it may not be enough to ensure that Harry will be completely safe.”

“And then there's Snape,” Sirius said, his voice surprisingly level, despite the fact that the idea of his presence earlier that week filled him with almost overwhelming anger and disgust.

“Albus swears up and down he was on our side.” Remus reminded him patiently, though his expression showed that he was uncertain whether he entirely believed it.

“He may have been allied against us in getting rid of Voldemort, but that doesn't mean he's a decent human being by any means,” Sirius muttered. “The git was infatuated with James, and it got out of hand pretty damn quickly.”

“It seems my recollections of our school days blocked that bit out,” Remus mused, while he reached forward and poured them each a healthy measure of muggle whisky. “What happened?” Remus asked as he pressed the glass into Sirius's hand, and he knocked back the drink before he began.

“I don't know all the details, James wasn't exactly eager to share that, erm, experience with me,” Sirius said with a frown as he tried to get his thoughts in order. “I know Snape had been friends with Lily growing up, and they stopped talking to each other after fifth year, you know, when he called Lily a Mudblood?” Remus nodded, but remained silent while he waited for him to continue.

“Well, in sixth year, James was cornered by Snape. I don't know everything, like I said, he wasn't keen to discuss it. Suffice it to say Snape cursed him, and attempted to...well...” Sirius grimaced. “I think if James had been anyone else, Snape may have actually managed it, but James got out of there no worse for wear. He told me what happened in confidence, but I don't think it ever happened again. It wasn't hard to miss, how the little greaseball stared at him after that. I think it took all of James's willpower to refrain from tormenting the git, and, of course, Lily would never forgive him if he started that up again.” Sirius shook his head. Even after all these years, he still couldn't fathom why Lily was ever friends with someone like Snape.

“And here I thought he was just jealous that James had gotten close to Lily,” Remus said with a small frown. Though his tone was even, Sirius could see the absolute disgust written all over his face. “But be fair, even Severus wouldn't do something like that to a child.”

“Wouldn't he? He's not exactly the picture of mental health.”

“I don't think it's something we'll need to worry about, at least not yet. We could send an owl to Albus and request that he keep a close eye on things after Harry starts at Hogwarts, make sure Severus doesn't do anything...untoward?” But even as he spoke, Remus seemed to sense that it would be a useless endeavour.

“Albus has a soft spot for him, I think. I feel like it might be a safer bet to tell Harry...well, not that, but just ask him to be extra cautious, at least when the time comes.” Sirius helped himself to another shot of whisky. “I don't know why he trusts the man so completely. There's got to be a reason, but I don't like the idea of Harry going anywhere near him.”

“There won't be much we can do about that in the long run,” Remus said, still maintaining his almost infuriatingly level tone of voice. “I understand your feelings towards Severus, but especially under Albus's watchful eye I don't think he'd try anything, even if he wanted to.” He grimaced a little, “I just hope that we're overreacting.”

Sirius set down his glass, and removed his hand from Remus's. He pressed his hands into his face with a heavy sigh, before raking them through his hair again.

“I don't know, Remus,” Sirius muttered, “I just want him to have something as close to a normal childhood and adolescence as he can, given the circumstances. His life has been so effectively fucked up already, I don't think he'd be able to cope if Snape...”

“Slow down,” Remus said, and despite the subject of their conversation, he heard the man chuckle. “You have a father's love for Harry, of course you want to shield him from all the evils of the world.”

“Oh? And you don't?”

“You're his godfather. I was close with James, but you were like a brother to him. I see myself more in an uncle sort of role.” He winced a little at the title, and Sirius wondered if Remus was thinking of Vernon. “Don't mistake me, I care for Harry, but you're like the family he's never had.” Remus smiled slightly, “I have no desire to wedge myself between the two of you to satisfy my own cares that I carry for him.”

“You're too good for me,” Sirius said, smiling slightly, and reached out to squeeze Remus's hand.

“I know.” They both laughed.

It took Sirius a long time to get to sleep that night.

The whisky had helped relax him, but his mind was still overrun with worries. Was he overreacting to the whole Snape thing? No matter what anyone said, the way he had glared at Harry had deeply unsettled him. Sirius was certain that this wasn't the end of it. Harry was growing used to his life here, but Sirius hated to shatter his new sense of security when they had to hand him back to the muggles. He had no illusions about what was likely to happen, and he was certain it would take some weeks to put Harry back together when they were reunited.

Sirius rolled over and relaxed into Remus's warmth as he fell into an uneasy sleep.

~*~

Over the following few days, they made no mention of Harry's expectation to meet with Draco the following year, and both Sirius and Remus struggled with the temptation to over-indulge him.

They took Harry out everywhere—parks, cinemas, shopping malls, and burger bars. Harry was still extremely reluctant to ask for things, no doubt a tendency he had learned at the hands of his loving relatives. Sirius tried to drop hints that he would not be reprimanded for asking for things that he wanted, but they seemed to go over the boy's head. For the time being, he and Remus had come to a silent agreement to always ask him, “would you like some more?” and “Would you like to pick out a toy?” No matter where they were, intent on making sure Harry realized that if he wanted something, he could ask for it.

They did their best not to overdo it, and it seemed Harry also thought along the same vein.

“I don't want to be selfish,” Harry had whispered hesitantly to Sirius one evening as he was being tucked in, “I don't want to be like that.”

Harry looked genuinely frightened as he said it. Sirius assumed that his cousin had been doted on by Vernon and Petunia more than just a little, while entirely excluding Harry. The thought made him feel almost sick with anger, and he struggled to keep his expression neutral for the boy's sake as he looked down at him.

“Asking for things doesn't make you selfish, Harry,” he said gently, though the fearful look in his eyes did not fade right away. “You're allowed to ask for things that you want. Selfishness means wanting more and more all the time, and no matter what you have, you always still want things.” He paused, and he watched the boy work through what he was being told. “Remus and I don't think you're selfish, Harry. I don't think you ever could be, so try not to worry about it too much, all right?” Harry smiled sightly and nodded. Sirius stood and watched as Harry took his glasses off and rested them gently upon his night table.

“G'night, Sirius,” Harry said, yawning a little.

“Goodnight, Harry.”

Sirius stepped into the hall, and shifted the door until it was almost closed. He leant against the wall, watching Harry for a few moments with a small smile. As expected, Harry grabbed his glasses, crawled back out of bed, and pulled out his rucksack. He heard the sharp gasp of shock and watched as Harry pulled from the bag an enormous pile of muggle storybooks. Sirius watched with a small grin as Harry touched the covers of each one, looked inside, and went on to the next. He knelt next to his bed for a very long time, just staring at the surprise.

Sirius had felt that Harry might be embarrassed if he knew that Sirius knew. Instead, he had left for a few hours with a small wad of muggle bank notes, and bought as many storybooks as he could. True to their word to Dumbledore, they were trying to keep Harry's contact with the wizarding world to a bare minimum, but Sirius refused to let Harry go through his childhood feeling as if he didn't deserved to be doted on by his guardians.

His work done, he walked quietly out to the sitting room where Remus was waiting.

Next Chapter

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[anxietyandtrees]

I’m just going to be real here, right now, this is the real Kinsey speaking...not talking about fandom bullshit or anything, but the shit going through my head. 

I swear, depression eats away at your head, eats away at your motivation and rationality. It switches up moods and kills anything positive within seconds.

Now here comes the real honesty here. The shit I would never post on my other personal page that is pretty much saving face for me. I think about killing myself everyday. Yes every fucking day. It might be a shock to some on here or you might be in the same boat as me. You might not even have thought about it in your life and I’m happy for you, truly I feel like that must be bliss. 

though I do not act on it, I hope and pray to the universe that by some chance something would fall from the sky and just end me already. Now for the remaining rational thoughts I have left, I am fully aware that it’s my depression making me want to end myself. The days I am mentally balance I think about it maybe one, almost in a reminiscent sort of way where I think “remember how yesterday you were in the bathroom putting mascara on you thought I want to die, but that would be more expensive than living?” sort of thing.

It hurts

It stops be in my tracks and makes me stay in doors.

It makes me keep a shitting retail job for 5 years when people constantly tell me I am more qualified for a better paying job, but guess what I don’t think I am. I may have B.S. in Sociology and a minor in English, but I don’t feel qualified to even have a relationship at this point. What I’m saying it’s hard to move forward with depression, anxiety also has a ways of grabbing onto you ankles and keeping you lock into place. It’s hard.

People don’t understand and it’s not up to them to understand. I get that, but that is what makes it frustrating...they don’t understand therefore  a negative outlook paints itself over mental illness and you’re left looking like a “Loser” or a  “lazy” person...with no way of backing yourself. Whatever you tell them they won't get and it’s exhausting trying to tell them. 

this lacks structure and I apologize for that, but my head lacks structures and doesn’t process information like it used to. 

I just wish I could be normal. I wish I was dating. Wish I didn’t have to worry about finding a job with health insurance and already had one that gave it. I wish I could have my life back, start over at 6 and things be different.