#i survived therapy. yay ]

[tiftaf-the-world-jumper]

Huh. Turns out shea butter is actually documented to soothe bruising.

That explains why my bruises from iv ouches feel better when I put my watermelon smelling shea butter on me…

[thebunnednun]

You're my Coffee Chapter list

Shouta Aizawa x Pro hero/Teacher! Reader

Summary:

After receiving a distressing call from a Japanese hospital, you learn your best friend Nemuri Kayama (Midnight) has briefly awoken from her coma and is desperately screaming for you.

She makes a final request: take care of her students if she doesn't survive.

So you pack your bags and move to Japan, only to find the students at U.A. High School traumatized by the Hero War. Aizawa is struggling to help them, and Nezu is overwhelmed trying to find therapists while managing international scrutiny over the students' involvement in the war. Aizawa panics when Nezu informs him of your arrival, as your hero profile is so blank he can't find decent information about you, despite your international headlines.

Your start is rocky, worsened by your initial deception of pretending to be his new student. The students are unsure what to make of you, but they’re drawn to their new, pretty art/history teacher and soon so is their handsome grump of a teacher.

With the media down his neck, Nezu offers you a deal: Get the kids to seek therapy, you to graduate with your psychology doctorate. Aizawa’s catch: If you fail or harm them, you walk away from being a therapist and hero altogether.

All while facing your own trauma, and the affections of those strange cats...

Spoiler: They're both ex villains thought to be dead and you gotta protect them from the hero committee while not slipping back into your 'old ways'.

Plus your past comes back to kill you!

Shit sounds fun, don't it?

At least that grumpy homeroom teacher has your back.

Tw: PTSD and mentions of violence, death, and mental distress. Heavy Angst and Comfort. Fowl language and descriptions of various crimes.

You made it past all that summary! Yay! 🥳

Status: Ongoing

Chapter 1: Who are you?

Chapter 2: First day's

Chapter 3: Detention

Chapter 4: To be posted once chapter 3 reaches 30 likes on here.....

Spotify link coming soon...

I own none of the art!

Taglist: @elarakive, @thealtofvalleyxdoodles, @naladrawssss, @bakugouswaif, @ivydoesit23 @zennypiee Lemme know if you wanna be added!

You can find the rest on my ao3 account by the same name.

If you enjoy please be sure to leave a like, reblog, or follow for more!

I love comments and I'm always down to talk about things or answer questions about the fic's! Love interacting with my babies!! <<33 :3

I've got other fic's in the masterlist too so feel free to poke around!

I try to update on a schedule, but usually it happens in the dead of night when the ninjas finally let me go.

I promise I bite~

Thank you for reading and see you soon my loves!!

(｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡ ~Angie

[eri-pl]

Lack of redemption arcs in the Legendarium

Surprisingly, I can't find many, if any at all.

I mean real redemption arcs ie character is evil / has done done serious evil at the start and they put actual work and things happen and at the end they're less evil and do less evil (or none at all).

(And ideally, they don't die at the completion of the arc but separately later or not at all.)

I don't mean things like "did evil things out of trauma it ignorance" (therapy or education is a different thing from redemption. All are great, but different people need different of those.) or "did one very minor thing and is sorry" (it's not an arc, it's something smaller). I mean the real deal.

There are implied redemption arcs (elves in Mandos in general), something that feels like a referenced arc but never described (Osse), a heavy edited story that at one point kind of feels like a redemption arc (Galadriel), failed attempts (all the baddies especially Smeagol and Mairon)...

I don't remember book Boromir well, maybe he... But he's not evil, just a little weak. He does very little wrong. He's more serious than makes bad choices.

Elu Thingol sort of has an arc on "don't be racist against humans" but then dies partially at being racist against dwarves so I'm not sure that counts either.

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, whose greatest crime is being a mean relative. I guess this counts?

Even in Numenor, nobody gets it.

I know it's a modern trend to give everyone redemption arcs, but I would expect, with all the talk about mercy and pity, to see some actual results, more results than "yay, we got the evil defeated because we were good to the bad guy". With all due respect. That's a big result too. But anyway.

I suppose Tolkien just didn't vibe with bad people. He survived the war and I guess it needed more... How to call it? More thinking on terms of "if you cross this line, you're lost". I know theoretically he didn't see it like this. But in practice, you may only go so far (and it's not far) until you're beyond repair.

I don't like it. It's not how the world works. I went further.

Also, another thing that irks me tremendously, but it's an observable rule in all Legendarium:

When your aesthetic is dark or wrong, you are beyond salvation.

You like industry? Bye. You don't like light? Bye! You look ugly (not plain, just ugly)? There might be a few exceptions of Elves who went through Angband, but generally: bye. You don't laugh and feel uneasy in company? Out to the void with you, go join Morgoth. You are depressed and not in a nice (Frodo) way, but in a cold way that makes you feel cynical? Bye. You live at the East and like sun more than noon? You're probably evil too.

I may be oversimplifying a bit, but not by much. It is a thing.

That's not how things work!!!

Seriously. I was there. I was all those things. I am dinner if then still and don't consider it a problem.

I hate this in the books. I love Tolkien's work and what he tried to do, but I feel like I'm some places he failed at it dramatically and the general feel it's not faithful to his intentions.

I hope this rambling is understandable enough, I'm bad at English, especially when ranting.

Luckily, there are fanfics

[bisexual-panic]

i was rewatching s2 ep5 of Loki (mostly because that episode really confused me) and noticed this

when Sylvie is listening to the depressing record about love her back is to the door HER BACK IS TO THE DOOR WHEN ALL THE SPAGHETTING HAPPENS

in case anyone has forgotten (or just had simply no idea what i’m talking about and honestly fair) i am freaking out because in ep3 of s1 Sylvie states that she never sits with her back to a door and at the start of ep4 it is shown in a flashback that she was kidnapped by the tva while her back was to the door. it’s presumed that is why she doesn’t sit with her back to a door (that and centuries of growing up and living on dying planets and chaotic endings)

there is so much this could mean. for starters she has finally gotten comfortable in her life that she will sit with her back to a door (she should still probably go to therapy but yay progress) but this is also heartbreaking because she had finally thought she didn’t have to run anymore and not have to constantly look over her shoulder, she was with someone she considered a friend and was trying to do the normal things she had always wanted to do. she thought she didn’t have to live in apocalypses anymore and she wouldn’t have to survive in places that were dying around her. and then it all got spaghettified in front of her and she had to run once again

[benevolentlibraryghost]

I wish this were a movie

Dear reader, welcome to my TED Talk on why this book is in many ways better than the movie. And also that I can understand why it wasn't turned into a movie. Warning: I will be discussing spoilers. You have been warned.

The story begins a few years after the events of Aliens, the second movie in the spectacular Alien™ franchise. Ripley, Newt, Corporal Hicks and a badly damaged Bisschop have escaped LV-426 on the ship the Sulaco. They are all in cryo-sleep, well, except for Bisschop of course. Because he is an android.

Something goes wrong with the ship's navigation system, and the ship enters UPP borders: Union of Progressive Peoples. Well, so much for being progressive; they are socialists/communists who refuse to upgrade their technology because of their strong hatred towards capitalism. When the Sulaco floats by, they enter the ship, looking for something to steal from the capitalists. They find a sleeping pod with half an android and an alien egg growing from its abdomen.

Yes. You read that right. In this book, Xenomorph DNA can mix with android DNA. Mind = blown.

Anyways; where there is an egg, there is an idiot human who is going to hang directly above it to inspect it. A facehugger attacks and clings to one of the communists. Who is called Boris. Irony. He is shot by his crewmates, who flee with the android. They take it back to their space station "Rodina", where they start extracting information from the androids database in order to grow their own Ovomorph.

Meanwhile, the Sulaco floats further into space, until it reaches Anchorpoint, a huge space station. A few marines and a scientist board the ship. They are attacked by drones (the young adult form of Aliens). Which left me wondering where the chestbursting took place, because the people in the cryotubes are still okay. Apparantly, the aliens are evolving. A fight takes place. Luckily, our characters in the cryotubes survive, though Ripley is in a coma.

Newt is sent back to earth, to try and live a normal life with her family. And get some therapy, maybe. Ripley is also sent somewhere safe. Hicks is left alone. He picks up a job and tries to process what happened back on LV-426. Bisschop is fixed with some cheap materials and sent to Anchorpoint. All is well.

Or so we thought...

Both Rodina and Anchorpoint manage to create Ovomorphs, though they are different from the ones we know from the first two movies. A bunch of capitalist pricks try to make sure that the process goes smoothly, while Hicks and Bisschop try to sabotage the mission. Though they don't succeed, the pricks regret their decision quickly when everything goes wrong. During a meeting, a capitalist Barbie starts convulsing. A hybrid Xenomorph emerges from beneath her skin. No chestbursting. She rips away her skin, and BOOM: alien. She was not impregnated by a facehugger, but infected in a different way.

Hicks is forced to go on another bug-hunt (yay.) with some other marines, who quickly die since they don't have as much experience with the aliens as our precious husba- HICKS does. Eventually, they decide to nuke the space station. They evacuate as much people as possible, but most die on the way to the lifeboats because a large group of aliens is following them.

In the end, Hicks survives with Bisschop and a very cute female scientist. I was under the impression that Hicks was in some sort of a relationship with Ripley, but I must have been mistaken since he forms a very close bond with the scientist. Anyway, the three are saved by the only surviving communist (everything went to shit at Rodina space station, too). Hicks wonders if he is ever going to get some peace. And Bisschop tells him that he is not. Happy end :)

I love the movies and the video game, Alien: Isolation. So when I saw this book in the book store, there was simply no choice for me but to buy it. And the other alien books that were underneath it...

The first few chapters had a heavy focus on the socialists and Anchorpoint racing each other to see who can use the Xenomorph as a weapon, first. In the end, neither succeeds, but this mirrored the Cold War in many ways. I thought that was a pretty cool aspect.

After a while, this focus shifts to Anchorpoint and we don't hear much from Rodina anymore. At first I thought this to be strange, but I didn't mind anymore when shit went down and there was so much action I couldn't put the book down. At some point we went back to Rodina and everyone was dead. It felt weird to not read about them for so long and then have their story end, but I think having updates on them would've made the book too boring.

I loved how the author took the time to let the characters reflect on what was happening. For example, in the final scene, where they fly away from the nuked station; normally, you hear some orchestra playing and you see tired characters wrapped in blankets, battered with bruises, half-sleeping and ready to go home. And as viewers, you would have to imagine what they were thinking, what this scene meant. I didn't have to do any of that with this book, because this final scene was an entire chapter of the characters reflecting on what had happened to them and what their future would look like. This reflection was a perfect ending to the book and left room for future books or movies.

Now, I will quickly reflect on my problem with the third movie. It is the fact they spent the entire movie Aliens saving Newt, even going so far as to enter the nest for her, but they kill her off-screen during the opening credits. WTjklfjdlfjd. Newt might not have a big role in this book, but her story was ended properly, with a little girl going home to her family, finally save from all the horror. Don't get me wrong, I do like the third movie. It's just that her death doesn't sit right with me and makes me annoyed every time I watch the movie.

Despite all the great points of this book, I have one major issue. The authors have tried to introduce so many new types of aliens: hybrid aliens, aliens bursting from your leg instead of your chest, multiple aliens bursting and aliens from lemurs (who would actually look very cute imo). There is nothing wrong with these types of aliens, it's just that so many are introduced in one story that it's hard to keep up. Especially when it is turned into a two-hour movie.

Well, to answer that one question; is the book better than the movie? Signs point to yes. It is hard to compare such different stories, but I am happy that both exist. I would have liked to see this book turned into a movie. It would treat us to a lot of action and badassery.

Rating: 4/5 Lemur Xenos

[confessions-official]

i hate beinng a zoophile. i dont wanna be attracted to animals. i mean, im not exclusively attracted to them but the thing is is that im a fictoaroace (i only have feelings for fictional characters) and im occasionally feel attraction for real people but most of the time my limited attraction is towards animals. i hate it i hate it i hate it i cant get therapy bc im a minor and i dont wanna tell my mom even though shes been very accepting and supportive of me and my normal therapist is in another country so yay... ffs i dont wanna be like this i dont abuse animals i would never EVER hurt an animal like that yet apparently im an "abuser" and "dog fucker" because i have feelings i never wanted in the first place. go fuck yourself if thats all you can think of people like me. none of this was my choice. none of this was any of our choices. im not proud of myself for being like this but im not gonna tear others who are proud of being zoophiles down because im not an asshole im just trying to survive.

 

[rollercoasterwords]

hiiiiiii!! i don't have the brain to do or watch anything atm but i would LOVE some movie recs please 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

YAY ok assuming this is coming from the 80s movie post so. here r some of my favorite 80s movies:

ridiculous campy fun:

earth girls are easy (1988) - fucking LOVE this movie!!! such a fun time. horny aliens crash their spaceship on earth + get taken in by a human woman. also it's a musical comedy + the aliens are played by jeff goldblum jim carrey and damon wayans

hell comes to frogtown (1988) - also. obsessed w this one. post-apocalyptic world where society is a matriarchy + humans need 2 repopulate. protagonist is a Manly Man who has been discovered to have a Mega-High Sperm Count, making him a government asset so a sexy military doctor locks him up in a chastity cage 2 conserve his precious sperm. also there are mutated frog people + they kidnapped a bunch of ~fertile~ human women to keep as sex slaves so Manly Man needs 2 accompany sexy military doctor + sexy soldier to go rescue the ladies from Frogtown so he can fuck them <3 also his name is Sam Hell. hence. 'hell comes to frogtown'

clue (1985) - based on the board game!! murder mystery comedy w wacky characters + an ending that is oh-so-fun

weird dark fantasy:

the company of wolves (1984) - the movie that inspired my 80s movie post 2nite <3 creepy fairytale retelling of red riding hood w a bunch of stories-within-a-story so that it ends up feeling like some sort of fever dream matryoshka doll

labyrinth (1986) - one of my FAVORITE movies of all time!!!!! david bowie is a goblin king who kidnaps the protagonist's baby brother as a favor 2 her + then when she's like actually i want him back he's like ok solve my maze then <3

return to oz (1985) - sequel to 'the wizard of oz' that is like. 10 times darker + weirder + creepier + definitely scarred me + my twin when we watched it as children lol. dorothy won't stop talking abt oz so she's taken 2 a mental institution for electroshock therapy. queue dramatic storm + sudden return to oz except the city is in ruins + dorothy needs 2 save the day

horror:

aliens (1986) - sequel to alien (1979) which just missed the cutoff for making this list + i also recommend--but u don't NEED 2 watch it 2 watch this movie. outer space creature feature meets slasher survival horror. xenomorph i love u <3

the thing (1982) - another sci-fi alien horror but this time it follows a group of researchers in the arctic who encounter an alien that can change shape 2 look like any of them. queue paranoia. there's also a more modern remake of this movie if i'm not mistaken

day of the dead (1985) - probably romero's least well-known zombie movie lol but a fun one nonetheless! good if u like 80s movies + zombie movies which. i do <3

the shining (1980) - oooh artsy spooky hotel horror.....a classic to be honest....

animated:

the last unicorn (1982) - ANOTHER favorite movie of all time for me!!!! unicorn who lives in isolation in a forest overhears two humans talking about how there are no more unicorns in the world + is like what i can't be the only one left...so she sets out on an adventure 2 try and find out what happened 2 all the unicorns <3 another movie that scarred me as a child bc of how creepy + dark it was

nausicaa of the valley of the wind (1984) - studio ghibli <3 this is one of my fave ghibli films. post-apocalyptic wasteland where giant bugs roam the earth....amazing

castle in the sky (1986) - more ghibli! girl w mysterious magic necklace meets boy who is searching for castle in the sky. also they are being chased by pirates + creepy government agents. FUN

kiki's delivery service (1989) - aaaaand more ghibli. teenage witch sets out 2 make her way in the world + encounters existential dread <3

classics:

heathers (1988) - veronica decides that she's sick of her mean-girl popular friendgroup + at the same time meets Mysterious New Boy. when she complains 2 him abt her friends he starts killing them <3

the princess bride (1987) - based on the book (which i also recommend!!); i feel like everyone knows this movie but. basically fairytale-esque romance abt a girl named buttercup who falls in love w a farmboy named wesley but then wesley gets murdered by pirates...or so it seems....

ferris bueller's day off (1986) - teenagers decide 2 skip school + run amok in chicago. wahoo!!

[karrenseely]

Emotional Regulation

So I have CPTSD. Everything I've read mostly points to this being a lifelong condition (yay :P) that is incredibly difficult for all of us whom suffer from it. I know it has been for me. I honestly don't know if I'd have developed it if my parents had been loving, supportive, and understanding like they should have. Because, even if they had been, I would still have likely had many many years of gas lighting from society, them, and my extended family to be a gender other than what I was. And that takes its toll on anyone's psyche.

But who knows, maybe if they'd been really supportive, then I wouldn't have had years of thinking I was crazy or shameful, maybe I would have transitioned really young as soon as I could tell them they were wrong. Then all I'd have to deal with is some body dysphoria. But then even that can take its toll as well. So I really couldn't say if I was destined to have this incredibly difficult mental health condition or not.

Either way, I really wish I'd had the loving supportive family every child deserves. I really wish I didn't find my psyche shattering as I grew up, getting stuck repeatedly at every traumatic event that I can remember, and actively forgetting everything I couldn't along with most of my other memories. Such that now, my memories consist of shattered disorganized shards scattered over the floor, most of those shards long since missing. It's really difficult to live when all you really have is now.

People talk about their childhoods like there's this linear well established timeline in their memories. It was a long time before I realized this was the typical way people remember their past. That for most people, they can remember approximately when such a memory occurred, in sequence with another. Even now, this is so foreign to me. I remember things in disjointed pieces, any one memory is not connected to any other. And few, if any, are connected to a specific time that I can locate.

Then there is the ability to remember what you did yesterday, or last week, or even last month in day to day life. That it's hard to know what's happened and what's been done recently. This was particularly bad when I was dissociating all the time, fortunately, therapy has helped with that part, and I don't do it as much and I can remember more of my day to day life. But even now, there are still significant holes in my memories of adult life. And admittedly as I struggle through my current flare of CPTSD symptoms, I sometimes wish I could dissociate like I used to so that I don't have to feel all of this horrible stuff. It hurts like hell.

If someone created the universe, they must be one of the most sadistic assholes to have ever existed, making it so healing is so effing painful, much less making thinking feeling beings feed off of one another.

In this journey of trying to heal, I've encountered many people talking about how, when we were abused as children we didn't develop our emotional regulation skills like normal loved, unabused kids do. I always found these comments or suppositions confusing. In large part due to the fact that I don't really understand what emotional regulation means. As a child, trying to survive, the only thing that worked, that made things even remotely bearable was dampening down on emotions until I didn't feel hardly anything at all. I wasn't particularly good at this, I still had feelings but they were distorted hazy half hearted things that would escape out, usually as anger, irritability, sadness, often fear, sometimes even joy would get out. But none were fully formed, or fully embraced, because if I did, then the pain would be in full force, the shame, the horror I constantly felt at what I was going through. So I did my best to damp down my emotions to almost nothing, and dissociate as much as I could so that I didn't have to feel or atleast remember feeling all those horrible things I felt. And the plus side to dissociation is that you truly only live in the moment. You can forget so much that way. You can ride the bus to school, but not remember any of it, just one moment you're at home and the next, poof, you're at school, and the next, poof, it's time to go home again and get on the bus, and poof the next you're at home again... you get the idea.

Emotions when all of the above were unsuccessful and I felt them anyway, usually it was the really really bad ones. And they were felt at 120% full blast. It was either 10 mph, or 120 mph. No inbetween. But people who talk about the ability to regulate emotions describe it as having inbetweens. Not having to feel the full blast, but not suppressing it completely either.

For the longest time when I encountered that phrase around emotional regulation, my mind just skittered past it, as it didn't make any sense to me. But I found myself thinking about it a couple months ago. And some kind fellow people with CPTSD pointed me to links that helped to explain the concept... except, those links were mostly just confusing. And unfortunately, my brain interpreted them as, "you are deficient, you're inability to regulate is your fault." Which didn't help. I honestly don't know if those explanations actually implied that, but it's what it felt like. Maybe because I didn't understand what they were saying.

Then... recently I returned to work, full time. And an interesting, if sucky, thing happened. I was fine at work, I could joke, I could laugh and have fun with coworkers and feel empathy for my patients and basically function somewhat like a typical human being in what I imagine is a healthy fashion. But as soon as I left work and went home, I had no energy left to keep the intrusive memories and emotions in check. And I would immediately start to crash. Spiraling down the rabbit hole of all those horrible memories. Nothing had specifically triggered them, it's just I ran out of spoons and they took over. I'd used up all my spoons at work.

Obviously, I'd overestimated my ability to return to full time work, but also it felt like there was an insight here. And it came down to my emotional bandwidth. If I had enough emotional energy, enough spoons, then minor triggers that normally would have lead me back down that lovely negative spiral, wouldn't actually set me off, and I could continue to function. And this was the neat part, I could continue to function without having all my walls slam down and turn everything numb. But, if I run out of that energy, if I run out of those spoons, then any little thing can set me down that self destructive spiral.

And the more I've thought about this, the more I think this is what people mean when they talk about emotional regulation. That most people have a large fount of this emotional energy to buffer against the extremes. And thus can handle day to day joys, stresses and hurtful things without completely falling apart. If this is the case then I guess I've developed some emotional regulation after all, though it's limited.

But why is it so limited? Why didn't I have any before? And the more I look at it. I see it in terms of bandwidth, energy, and/or spoons. Before, when I was having to live in survival mode, all of my emotional energy was being used to just survive. I was constantly in fight or flight. There was no energy to spare for nuance. My bandwidth was incredibly limited because so much of it was taken up with just surviving from one day to the next, with constant vigilance. But when we are no longer in those situations, and just as importantly, when we are not constantly flashing back to those situations, we start to have that bandwidth become available for the nuance. We can start feeling things in between because we have the energy to do so. It's no longer entirely about survive or die.

And that's the worst part about flashbacks. Even though I'm no longer in that constant life or death situation, those flashbacks have me believing I am. And contrary to popular media's depiction of flashbacks, most of the time it's not getting stuck in a living visual memory of an event. No, the vast majority of those flashbacks are emotional flashbacks. Getting stuck in the feelings of the event, the feelings I couldn't suppress anymore, the constant feeling of being in danger, of having my life, my very existence threatened, which brings on the constant sense of danger, of fight or flight. Which means, no emotional energy for anything else, except the extremes. Everything in my life currently can be perfectly fine, safe, wonderful even. But if I'm stuck in an emotional flashback, none of the current circumstances matter, because I'm emotionally back in survival mode, feeling constantly threatened, trying to survive, trying to decide if I need to fight or run. And if I'm stuck there... then there isn't any emotional energy left for anything else.

The really effing sucky part, is that often I don't know I'm in an emotional flashback until after it's gone away, and I can see looking back that how I was feeling didn't fit at all with what was actually happening at the time. I reacted to an outside observer in a rather extreme, or worse in a completely irrational manner. But then when I'm in the middle of it, I guess it's understandable that I have a hard time recognizing it, as all my energy is directed towards surviving, towards keeping the pain and my fears at bay.

So maybe emotional regulation is just having enough emotional energy to filter the experiences you're having into a much more nuanced pattern, rather than having to sort things into binary extremes of bad, not bad. And if that's the case, then maybe, just maybe, I am healing, because I'm starting to free up some of my bandwidth to start sorting out the nuances... even if I can't quite identify what those nuances are yet.

[thatdodoanonx]

Hey Dodo!!

I haven't heard from you in a bit, I just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing! I think about you regularly, and although I know it is a silly wish considering your circumstances, I hope you are doing well. And I hope that one day you will be safe and sound, and that that day comes soon.

I love you, truly

Hi everyone this not so quick update about my state, it has some heavy topics so I'm gonna put some trigger warning please keep that in mind and don't worry I'll get to everything eventually 

TW: Suicide, Self Harm, COSA, Religious Trauma, Abuse 

Now with that being said I wanna start by saying Hi, it's been almost a year since the whole thing happened, it was emotional rollercoaster but I can assure I'm still alive and start my journey to recover ❤️‍🩹 

Did I leave home?

No but my mom got a promotion out of the town and I only see her once sometimes twice a week, she did try to make me move with her but couldn't because of college (I only got one year left YAY!!) 

Is she still a pain ?

Yeah nothing changed about her she is still as controlling, she gave me back my phone but put a child lock on it so I won't be able to access any app except the ones related to college, and she gave me back my laptop (which I'm using to write this on it)

Ok now onto the heavy topics, I found myself relapsing into my old bad habit, cutting and biting myself until it bleeds I haven't done that since highschool,to put it blunt I didn't have irl friends or at least a support system, and metal health in my country is a taboo and being from a well known family in a small town isn't helping, so the idea of a therapy is out of the window, and being alone with my thoughts didn't help

And then my first attempting, idk why but I couldn't do it I guess I was scared, no one was home that day and even had razors but I couldn't. I was able to find my dad's old laptop and typed for suicide hotline and to my surprise there was. The lady on the phone helped me a lot because I was going through a bad panic attack. At the end of the call she told me to talk to my mom about it, she's a doctor after all and there's no shame in it, but come on now that's my we're talking about. I told her I'll try 

Fast forward: I was visiting mom in the city she's working now at, the job comes with a free rental apartment, anyway me and her had a heart to conversation and me being the idiot that I am thought about it was opportunity to talk about some childhood trauma, it's painful to talk about it but don't worry I'm coming with the term that it wasn't my fault. (I'll highlights the next paragraph so don't have to read it if it upset you I'm writing it so u can understand the context)

I was a victim of COSA (child on child sexual assault) by my cousin who is the same age as me (we both were 7 at the time) , she unfortunately had an early access to internet and would show me sexual images. I told my cousin about the bulling I was going through school because I like a boy and said I would marry him (which extremely forbidden in my Religious school) so my bullies made a rumor about me being a loss child and I would going out which older boys, the rumors were so bad one of the teachers pulled me aside and confronted me about it, she knew I was a good kid so there was no way.

I told my cousin about it, I trusted her and what do you she did? That's right she blackmailed and told me I didn't do whatever she wanted she would tell my mom about my secret. So there I was me and her in a small room at our grandma's house, things happened I don't want to recall and I don't think I'll be able. no matter how I begged and cry, I just kept numbing myself until it's over, this still habit I have , one the thing I do to survive 

I told mom about, my childhood trauma, my suicide attempt. she was understandly horrified, she tried to comfort me but this processed to say it was my fault that I let that happen, I told her I was scared and still a child 

Then I told that I was messed up and need a professional help to which she said "we don't need that I'll fix you myself"

The next day me and her got into a fight over something stupid to which she as always had to pull the secrets I told her against me "Why don't you fucking kill yourself already? You said wanted to do it, huh? Now it's your time at least you'll save a headache" she said that in front of my brother 

I know whenever she gets mad she would go so low but even that was low for her, that was the one time I trusted her with something so personal I never told to anyone and somehow she managed to shutter every lasting trust I had in her. Part of me still thought everything she would do was out of love, that was tough love and she only hurt me because she care but I guess at that moment truly open my eyes 

I came to her that night and told her that what she said really hurt me and I trusted her with something very personal to which she dismissed and said "oh [name] me and you know well that you'll never kill yourself, you're too coward anyway" 

Out of all the things she said to me that has to cruelest thing ever, maybe because part of me know she was right but I didn't think she would say it out loud 

After that everything went blur for me, summer course I started to see her less and less. In the few weeks without her were strange to say the least. I come home and it's... quiet? No shouting, no yelling, no screaming no nothing. It was weird, I didn't know what to do with that quiet, I felt if I relaxed to much she might jump out of nowhere and scream at me, but I have to say it was nice, I felt like I can breathe? Like no one is watching everything I do waiting for me to make a mistake. It is not ideal she still come every week but honestly it's better than nothing. I started to write a little in my notes every now and then, I even started to draw again. Both brought me comfort, and I even allowed myself to make friends, it's not a big group but hey we get along. There's on in particular friend group I'm close to the most, she's lovely, keep talking and texting me to check, I gotta say it was a bit overwhelming but I'll never tell her to stop because that's how she shows she care

Life has been slow lately, same old routine but I'm more happy and more idk calm? I mean a few months ago I thought I won't be alive today and what do you know! I turned 23 two mouths ago (happy late birthday to I guess?) I think that is a good a step for me start healing, it won't happen over night but I know it will be worth it 

Thanks to everyone on who still checking on me, I know it was a long update, but I'm thankful you took time to read it 

I hope there's a next, see you soon

-🦤

[distortiondragon]

survived therapy today. maybe i will eat smth more than a single small chocolate today. yay.

[starboodoesstuff]

Warning: rant incoming

Dude I am legitimately SO sick and tired of my parents basically telling me I'm lazy and pressuring me into getting a job, it's so damn exhausting.

Like, I get it. To even survive in this goddamn society you need a job. I GET that. But I legit only graduated just this year, and I'm only like, eighteen and a half.

And it's not like I'm scared. (I mean, I am, but that's not most of it.) It's just... I'm not exactly entirely neurotypical, and being incredibly anxious and depressed does not help matters either.

I legitimately think that the only way I'd be able to get and keep a job would be for me to be medicated in some way.

BUT. (There's always a goddamn but oh my god)

Due to not having an official diagnosis of ANYTHING, I can't exactly do that.

Me as I am right now, I'd flounder.

Call me a snowflake if you want, but I'm just being realistic here.

At some point I did get a therapy consultation, but even though I WANTED to stay in therapy, try and get help, my mom didn't want to go along with it, because 'if you need to talk to anyone, you can just talk to us' (meaning her and my dad)

So I never found out what was wrong with me, and I'm still in the same place I was then, if not worse.

And my mom doesn't believe that I need a diagnosis for my very likely ADHD and autism and who the fuck knows what else.

'As long as *we* know, we can use coping mechanisms to 'fix' it'

No. Just no.

She was told by some doctor or somebody that we didn't need a diagnosis unless we needed help, and my mom is incredibly stubborn and refuses help, so that's how that went. Yay.

Oh, and a diagnosis is SUPER complicated and expensive, apparently, so that's another reason.

It's just... I'm so tired. goddamn exhausted.

I'm not *lazy*, I just can't do any of this shit anymore.

Even if I did manage the miracle that is getting a job, it's unlikely that I'd keep it, because my brain is about as useful as if my skull were filled with goddamn scrambled eggs

I'm so fucking done

[jimmerzz0905]

mythical incorrect quotes because why the fuck not

(also there are some mentions of shit like alcohol and stuff under the cut so uhh)

Yawstrich: *tries to make the child laugh*

Anglow: *tries to play a game with the child to make them calm down*

G’joob: *gives detailed instructions to the parents*

Cherubble: *cries with the child*

Strombonin: *ignores the child*

Hyehehe: *is the reason why the child is crying*

—

Hyehehe: What's wrong with you?

Strombonin: Off the top of my head, I'd say low self-esteem, a lack of paternal affection, and a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression.

—

Strombonin: Happy Throwback Thursday. Here’s a throwback to when Yawstrich ate an entire fucking tube of lipstick.

Yawstrich, whining: But why would it be cherry-flavored if you can’t eat it?!

—

Cherubble: Am I a boy? Am I a girl? It doesn't matter. I'm going to burn your house down and then take a nap.

—

G’joob: And now for a gay update with Yawstrich and Strombonin.

Yawstrich: Getting gayer!

G’joob: Thank you, Yawstrich.

—

G’joob, holding in his laughter: Hey, how do you ask a glass of water what it’s doing?

Strombonin: A glass of water is an inanimate object. Therefore, it's incapable of having a thought process or understanding basic Monstrous.

G’joob:

G’joob: Water you doing?

—

Yawstrich: Oh, fiddlesticks! That really ruffles my feathers!

Strombonin: Please, just say fuck…

—

Cherubble: The last time I went to an urgent care clinic, I checked off 'excessive crying' on the symptom list, and then the nurse got really confused and said that was meant for babies.

—

Yawstrich: *texting* Hey can you pick me up I’m drunk.

Yawstrich: Oh you don't have to anymore. I'm home now.

Strombonin: Yes, I'm aware of that after dropping you off at home.

—

Hyehehe, with a headache: Advil me up, daddy.

Cherubble: I will short out the language centre of your brain if you say anything like that ever again.

—

Strombonin: I’m the sexiest bitch in this therapy waiting room.

—

Cherubble: Truth or dare?

Anglow: Truth.

Cherubble: How many hours have you slept this week?

Anglow:

Anglow: Dare.

Cherubble: Go to sleep.

Anglow: I don't like this game.

—

Cherubble: Today at 7 am, Hyehehe poured a Monster Energy drink in their coffee, said "I'm going to die" and drank the whole thing.

Yawstrich: I watched Hyehehe brew their coffee with Monster instead of water. Three cups in two hours. I think he’s ascended into the astral realm.

Strombonin: The survivability of the Monster race never fails to amaze me.

—

Hyehehe: And I’d love to be sorry for that, but we all know I’ve done much, much worse.

—

Yawstrich: Oh, Strombonin! We have a visitor!

Strombonin: Don’t tell me it’s Hyehehe.

Yawstrich: It’s Hyehehe.

—

Anglow: What time is it?

Hyehehe: I don’t know, pass me that saxophone and we’ll find out.

Anglow: *hands Hyehehe the saxophone*

Hyehehe: *fucking BLASTS the saxophone*

G’joob: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE FUCKING MORNING?!

Hyehehe: It’s 2 am

—

G’joob: That's it, I'm cutting off the internet!

Cherubble: No, please don't! I have a family to feed!

G’joob: …

G’joob: What?

Cherubble: I need to feed my Neopets!

—

Yawstrich: To everyone who has treated me poorly; I am sexier than you.

—

G’joob: I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.

Hyehehe: Mine just says "Hyehehe, no."

G’joob: I want you to apply it to every possible situation.

—

Yawstrich: I didn't drink THAT much last night!

G’joob: You were flirting with Strombonin.

Yawstrich: So what? They're my boyfriend.

G’joob: You asked if they were single.

Yawstrich: …

G’joob: And then you cried when they said he wasn’t.

—

Strombonin: Sorry I'm late to the party. I've been… doing things.

Yawstrich, entering dizzy and covered in kisses: I got caught up doing things too.

Hyehehe: Wow, Strombonin was late too! What a coincidence!

—

Yawstrich: You know what I asked Yool for Yay this year?

Strombonin: If you say me, I swear I’ll—

Yawstrich: You? What? No, I asked him for that cool Lego Ninjago set we saw in Target!

—

Strombonin: My life is a little too much panic and not enough disco.

Yawstrich: My life is a little too much fall and not enough boy.

G’joob: My life is a little too much chemical and not enough romance.

Hyehehe: My life is a little too much imagination and not nearly enough dragons.

—

and that’s it lol

[malicedafirenze]

so I finally got done watching S5 of The Dragon Prince and ghgnghghggngh why do I have such a mixed bag love hate relationship with this show (spoilers)

I want to love this show but there's so many things that just don't land and don't work, and yet here I am, hooked once again, because after 8 episodes of cringe humor and weird dialogue it fed me some crumbs of delicious Aaravos content.

I find so many of the accents so goddamn stilted and awkward. The french sun fire elves are the worst. I don't object to french-sounding elves in principle but dear lord does it sound unnatural and strained

SO much of the humor just does not land and the pacing of individual scenes is just ??? ATLA had some very kiddie humor here or there too, and I love the somewhat darker and more mature tone of TDP but jfc it feels like they need to hammer every joke home with so much time that you'd think they were planning for a laugh track

ep 8 and 9 were so much better than the whole rest of the season because once this show lets itself focus on action and drama, it's actually pretty fucking good, but for some reason you need to get through a first half season of awkward goofs.

Terry annoys me so much. Yay trans rep, but why the utterly random coming out out of nowhere (that was S04 I know but I watched it very recently okay) and his whole sounding like a therapist shit towards Claudia, like yes, it could be funny that this random wood elf does aroma therapy on his dark mage gf but everything somehow turns awkward in the execution

The library showdown was generally cool but the framing for why Amaya told them to leave without her was so fucking weird: you have this moment of Dragon Ex Machina, Zubeia wiping away the demon bears with ease, and then suddenly when Amaya is back in the frey after grabbing Bait, they're suddenly out of time and need to leave that instant??? Like I see what they were going for, obviously Zubeia was under real threat from the demon bears, but imo the framing/visualization of that threat did not work at all and I audibly went "WHY" at my screen at the random "you have to leave without me" thing.

That being said there's some shit that goes extremely hard and I'm here for it:

Rayla just fucking dismembering Claudia apparently wtf??

I enjoyed the sexy fish pirate man, I hope he survived getting eaten

I am an utter addict for Aaravos' voice and even the flashback repetitions in Janai's nightmares were legit enough to get my attention again

I am very excited for how someone is going to end up saving Viren's life against his will and I will gladly read fanfic of it

I had the 'our child' thing spoiled by being careless on tumblr but seeing it actually on screen was better than expected, love that for my OTP, toxic af parenthood is just what they needed

I really expected there to be more Aaravos since this show got renamed to Mystery of Aaravos false advertising smh.

They got creative with Dragon designs this season and I support that

out of all the things I found weird and cringe, I am 100% here for Zubaia getting randomly healed by a funky little gnome that calls himself the mushroom mage, 10/10 no notes

young viren hot

Rayla and Callum worked much better for me towards the end of the season when they got more comfortable with each other, love that for them, some delicious drama when the sexy fish man tortures them in front of each other, good for them, that's my shit

Considering all the things I liked about the last 2-3 episodes I feel nitpicky and weird for complaining about the first 7 or so but UGH it was a bit of a pain to get through them tbh. There is so much I deeply, deeply appreciate about what this show tries to do, as a high fantasy kids show with an overarching story, gorgeous visuals and explicit lgbtq and disability rep that I feel like an ass for complaining about it so much, but god damn there are so many things that are just unbearably cringe about it and OH MY GOD I just remembered the god damn "maybe you should express your love like a bee, here just move your tushy like that" scene holy FUCK can someone please give me an edit of this show with about three times the Aaravos screentime and all this second hand embarassment removed

[creations-by-chaosfay]

My ears are feeling significantly improved today. Yay! That means, after I return from pulmonary therapy today, I'll be spending time in my sewing room, cutting fabric for the new commission. It's a small one and will likely take no more than three days. Unfortunately, today is laundry day, so washing and shipping the commission won't happen until next week.

We have a dryer, but no washing machine. Laundry is done on Sundays or Mondays, depending on whether or not my husband has the energy to go to the laundromat. He's there for an hour, washing everything, then back home and we dry things one load at a time. Next year, we're hoping to purchase a Speed Queen washer seeing as those are built to last. They're the same brand that provides machines for most laundromats. The washer we had used died after just three years, bought brand new, and just five to six loads a week. The repairman who came over to fix it explained it's the same engine as the super expensive ones you find in most stores, and they're no longer built to survive more than five years, much like new refrigerators. He suggested a Speed Queen, and pointed out he doesn't get much work when folks use good stuff, but he would rather see people save money with good equipment instead of wasting money on something that will only break again and again and again. In our case, the water from washing flooded the engine, which is apparently a very common problem. Lovely.

Anyway, gonna finish getting ready seeing as we're leaving in less than an hour. Pics for the new piece will be posted either later today or sometime tomorrow.

[music-for-them-asses]

Any tips for surviving college?

It's taken me a few days, but I think I got all my thoughts together! I'm sorry if this runs kind of long--there's a lot I wish I had known before going to college!

Academically, my biggest tip is to get to know your professors. Go to their office hours if you need help with a paper or test. Hell, I went to talk to some of mine for fun. It shows you care, and they can help you with whatever you need for your paper/test/project.

Rent or pirate your damn textbooks, do not pay those vultures a single dime if you can help it. My library had a lot of my textbooks, so I was able to check them out for free.

It's OK to not finish in four years. Take your time if you can. I barely know anyone who graduated in the standard four year time.

That being said, if you can get out early, get out early! Take classes at a community college during the summers. I tested out of English with AP in high school and took dual credit courses as well.

Get a planner. I lived and died by my planners (undiagnosed ADHD at the time, yay!!!)

STUDY ABROAD IF YOU'RE ABLE!!! My biggest regret is not getting to study abroad.

Socially:

It's no secret that I struggled socially because I had an undiagnosed social phobia. However, I did pick up a few things. Like: If you're staying in the dorm, they will put on lots of events to bring residents together. It's a good way to meet people! Even if you go and stand like a bump on a log, chances are someone will talk to you.

If you're staying in a dorm, get to know your RA. They're your greatest ally against any assholes living in your dorm. If someone's music is too loud, they'll be the bad guy and make them turn it down. Also, they have good insight into college as well!

If you go to any parties, always go with a friend. Don't leave drinks unattended, and don't let others get you a drink that's been opened. Parties are fun but you still should be safe.

Also, my biggest tip in general is to see if your school offers counseling for students. They can't prescribe medication, but that's when I started going to therapy, and I wish I had started sooner.

If you decide college isn't for you and you drop out, just know that I'm super proud of you for trying. I also know a lot of people who did not finish their degrees, but they're still doing something with themselves and their lives.

I hope this helps! College was fun, but it wasn't my high point of my life. Don't let anyone tell you it is, because that's a long way down to go afterwards.

[nohara-rin-dot-mp3]

OOhhh Your Cannibal AU fic was very neat to read!! It's nice to see more insight into Rin, her thoughts, and her observations even if they're not entirely reliable. (I see u Rin, pointing out your apathy and lack of person, all the while feeling splashes of emotion and flashes of person-hood that contradict that... We see you!!!) Love the "what-if" type of feelings regarding Minato as well; logically, he likely wouldn't survive if he's not been drinking or eating for weeks, but then the storm passed days later after eating him... Could he have survived if they waited longer? Were his injuries really that bad? Was there some solution Rin could've thought of to help him, had she not been so apathetic? Was he comatose from an infection, and effectively living-dead the very moment that kunai lodged itself deeper into his spine, and nothing could've been done from the start? What-if....................

It's also really, REALLY funny to me just HOW EASILY her other teammates were on-board to start eating Minato, with very little prompting too! I'm not too sure if that's just because the Shinobi world in general is kinda blasé about that sorta thing, or if the entire team's moral compass is just super esoteric... It's probably the latter honestly! Rin did seem to feel some sort of camaraderie, comfort, and understanding for the first time in her life eating her sensei in a dank cave with her teammates, after all.

One other thing I'd be super curious to know is how Kushina would react to the news; from my understanding, she and Minato were already a steady couple for a few years, so I wonder how she'd deal with him dying so soon?

Very good fic and character study, I'm happy to have read it and I'd love to see more of this verse. A solid 10/10!! ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

yay!!! :D that's rin, my girl... continuously insisting that she has no feelings and is an empty shell of a person and then ignoring The Rage *whipes away a single glistening tear* she fascinates me.

the "what-if" is one of my FAVORITE aspects of the premise. like. no one has any way of guaranteeing that minato was really, truly, done for! there was a chance he would survive- a chance rin tanked because she really truly *doesnt* give a shit about him specifically, but you know. (imo rin has the potential to be a Great mednin but she doesnt tend to act quick enough to do anything/underestimates her abilities and then doesnt act. which is a result of her being forced into the position by the gender roles running rampant in ninjaville and her weird views about agency (if she was forced into doing something SURELY it is impossible for her to do it well)). but yeah rin's best bet WOULD have been to risk doing spinal surgery herself. she just didn't. it wasn't even too late by the time they ate him- thinking logically, the best option would have been for rin to do the surgery regardless of risk and if he dies, they eat the body, and if he lives, he can teleport them out to konoha! win-win! rin did not think of this because she had already disregarded "healing minato" as a plausible option. babygirl...

yeah team minato's moral compass's are WAY out of whack. i think we all know what's going on with rin. or at least most of it lmao. and kakashi is utilitarian to a fault on account of the trauma (many of these childrens personality traits are on account of the trauma). he Doesnt want to eat minato, but also he thinks what rin's saying is making sense, and since the only reason he can think of not to eat minato is just his own peresonal feelings, he sets aside his feelings to be a Good Ninja as is habit of his. get therapy boy!!! obito denies it at first, but also obito, for all that he stands out and fights with kakashi, is at his heart a people pleaser methinks. god i love the way all of them bounce off each other. the team minato dynamic really is unparalleled.

kushinaaaaaa my girl im so so sorry. on one hand obito brought you back some cinnamon. on the other hand. well. my take on her grief is that kushina has already lost a LOT. and she uses a kind of fake it till you make it attitude to deal with it. like an evil rin. *kushina voice: if i act happy around everyone surely this means that i am actually happy.* so while she is legitimately devastated by minato's death (i rag on the man but he IS a person, culpable to the system but not solely responsible for its flaws!!!!! i think his relationship with kushina is actually very sweet and far from the worst a ninja has ever had. i mean not to say its HEALTHY but its kind of close??? progress??) she kind of brushes past it so that she can GET BACK TO BEING HAPPY. this is not a great coping mechanism. but she can get in line for therapy. because there's a long long line.

i have been thinking of adding more to that timeline... i think it could end up being a REALLY interesting exploration of what would happen to team minato without the influence of madara/zestu/all that nonsense. (the answer is broken and dead. they're always gonna be broken and or dead.) i am a FIRM believer that regardless of weird plant guys interference team minato was destined for tradegy, on account of being shinobi. and it'd be interesting to explore. (my logic is that like,, they dont get assigned kanobi bridge w/out minato, so some other poor fool eventually ends up getting used as madara's pawn. taps nose.) thank you for the comment i'm glad you enjoyed!!!