#i struggle too much with my body that it paralyses me to do even exercise

[kikiswords]

the ways in which the body can trick you (i feel shit about my body rn)

[futurebicon]

No Control Part 5

Might be last part I’m not 100% sure. Sorry it took so long I had no idea how I wanted it to go

“Hey”

Leo jumped slightly at Logan’s words. The medicine had helped but he was still too quiet and unsure.

“Are you okay?” Leo started at the heart monitor expecting it to go straight like it had before.

~~~

“Caps doing okay?” Logan asked when his boys came back and he had got off the phone with all their very concerned families.

“He has a lot of trouble talking and can’t remember what some stuff means. You can tell it’s killing him.” Finn told him.

“Damn.” Logan shook his head.

“What’s that look for, love?” Finn brushed his hair off his face.

“I just- my injuries are so fucking small compared to his. Fuck, having to take it easy for a few months when he had an entire organ removed? Just feel bad.”

“You know that the minute he has a full understanding of what happened he’s gonna think that he should of been the only one that got hurt.”

Logan chuckled a little “Yeah probably.”

His eyes landed on Leo who was sitting on the other side of his bed. He was playing with the strings of Logan’s hoodie, mixing them between his fingers. He would glance up at Logan, dart his eyes over all the machines, then go back to looking at the hoodie.

Logan swallowed down the odd feeling in his throat. “Leo baby.”

“Hmm.” Leo’s head shot up.

“You okay, love?”

“Yeah. I’m okay.” His voice was shy.

“S-sure?” Logan coughed.

“Logan?” Finn asked.

“I’m okay.” Logan told him before looking back at Leo and reaching his arm out.

Leo stared at his hand and looked up at Logan.

“I know I scared you but I’m okay now. I’m okay.” Logan extended his hand more.

Leo nodded slowly and took his hand.

“See? I’m okay.” Logan squeezed his hand.

“I love you.” Leo said and squeezed back.

“I love you too.” Logan smiled at the glimpse of the real Leo. “And I love you.” He turned to look at Finn.

“I love you too.” Finn smiled. “I love both of you very, very much.”

Logan went to say something but the odd feeling returned.

Leo’s hand shot back to his chest as soon as Logan started coughing.

“Lo, baby?” Finn said. “You okay?”

“Finn?” Leo’s eyes were wide and terrified. “Finn what happened? Is he okay? What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything, love.” Finns heart broke at the state of pure terror his boyfriend was in. “You didn’t do anything but I don’t know what’s happening. Do you want to get a nu-”

Logan’s coughing slowed as his heart machine started beeping faster and faster.

The line went flat.

Next thing Leo knew someone was grabbing him as he screamed and kicked and tried to get them to let him go.

He didn’t fully know why he was doing it but he couldn’t stop it.

“Let me go!” Leo’s scream was shrill as he punched Dumos arms. “Let me go! No!”

Dumo was pulling him away from the bed where doctors were surrounding Logan and machines were making too much noise.

Finn was screaming and trying to get out of Kunys grip. The rest of the team jumped in to help keep the two distraught boys away from their boyfriend.

They didn’t know what exactly happened except that they were in the waisting room down the hall from Logan’s room. Then Finn and Leo’s screams echoed throughout the hall, alarms started going off, and doctors sprinted past.

“No. Please, no.” Leo sobbed. Both of them still trying to get out of the prison of arms even though the door was closed.

“Come on. Come on. He’s okay. Breathe, Leo.” Dumo tightened his hold as the pulled them into the private waiting room.

He gave up and slid down the wall.

Finn kept trying to get back.

Leo stood up and grabbed his boyfriend. “Finn, please calm down. Please.” He sobbed. “Please Finn.”

“Listen to Leo Finn.” Reg gritted. Half the team now having to keep him back.

He was barely even screaming anymore. Just broken sobs as he thrashed around.

His body relaxed enough for the arms to let him go but his mind was still in fight mode.

“What Leo?” He snapped, making Leo flinch back.

“Y-you’re scaring me.”

“I’m scaring you?” Finn scoffed and walked closer to Leo. “What the fuck isn’t scaring you?”

“Finn.” Regulus warned.

“No. He was scared to fucking touch him. You wouldn’t fucking touch him and you have the audacity to say I’m scaring you.” He set his face and punched Leo lightly. “Stop acting fucking childish and get the hell away from me.”

~~~

“I’m okay. The meds they gave me helped.” Leo nodded.

“Can you hold my hand?”

Leo froze, memories threatened to flow back.

“Hey. None of that.” Logan stopped him. “I’m right here. I’m okay. Just hold my hand.”

Leo hesitated, touching their skin together with a flinch.

“Relax, mon amour.” Logan said softly, making Leo let his impossibly tight muscles relax.

“Look at me.” He tore his eyes away from the heart monitor. “I’m right here. I’m so sorry I scared you but I’m right here.”

Leo nodded with a small smile and let himself fully relax for the first time in hours.

++4 Months Later++

Remus sprinted into the living room at the sound of glass shattering. “What’s wrong? What’s wrong? Hey, talk to me, baby.” He grabbed onto his doubled over, sobbing boyfriend. “Baby please.”

“I can’t-” he stopped and let out a scream. “talk”

“Baby” Remus felt bad that he felt relieved over the fact that Sirius was upset instead of hurt. “I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine how hard it is for you.” He pressed kissed to his forehead and rocked them back and forth.

“Feel -" He punched Remus's chest and screamed.

Remus hated how powerless he felt because this wasn't an injury that you could bandage. Not like his leg or even his spleen.

There was nothing you could do for this injury except wait.

He's been going to physical therapy but the ones for his brain were he had to read kindergarten papers did more harm than good. He always refuses to talk the next day and has banned Remus from the therapy room, hating that Remus sees him struggling.

This wasn't the first time everything has gotten so pent up and he couldn't use words so he screamed.

The first fight they got into after the accident, about Sirius hiding how much he was suffering, Sirius terrified Remus when instead of saying the word his mind was trying to form, he gripped his hair and fell to the floor as he screamed. He had thrown Remus's phone across the room when he tried to call 911, Sirius not giving him any answers for the behavior.

He hated talking around the team. He rarely did. The only persons that's heard his voice more than 5 times an hour has been Remus.

It's been 4 months since the accident and his speech hasn't improved. The doctors weren't quiet with their whispers.

Sirius didn't talk for a week when Remus tried to bring up what they would do if it didn't get better.

The first thing he said when he talked again was a chopped up "I will get better" and just like his ankle he was trying.

He was trying so, so hard.

After that day he did everything he could to get his speech back.

He would go over sentences with Remus for hours until he could get his mouth to form them half fluently.

The first full string of words he said was "I love you." and they both collapsed into sobs because he hadn't been able to say that for four months.

A 'love' was enough to know what he was trying to say but for Sirius it didn't hold the same meaning.

And not being able to say it the way he wanted only lead to him being frustrated when he said it the only way he could. So 'love' was only heard during the rare times of quiet between them.

While watching a show that didn't trigger a paralysing headache, or while Remus made him lunch and danced around in the kitchen to quiet music. Or, the rarest of them all, when they laid panting in the sheets.

Sex was next to nonexistent. The first time was two months after the accident. Dr. Gemma had given them the go ahead and Sirius was more than eager. "Damn -sponge- baths." He laughed that night. Remus was hesitant, very hesitant. But the sex still felt amazing even though it was slow and gentle. Sirius noticed how hesitant he was, of course he did. He brushed it away in the heat of the moment but the next morning he brought it back.

"I- won't- break." His sobs added even more time between words. "Stop- treating- like I- will." Remus held him as they talked, really talked for the first time since the accident.

About the accident, about how Remus felt, about how Sirius felt mentally, how he felt physically, and how his brain injury was affecting them both.

Remus stopped Sirius when he started to get frustrated about his speech. "I want to hold you." Was his excuse even though he had been holding him the whole time.

Sirius would smile and continue once he had a better understanding of how to form the words he was trying to say.

But sex was the least of their concerns right now. With practices, therapy, games, doctors visits, team gatherings, court meetings, and the obvious soreness from practice and pain from a nearly fatal car crash, it really wasn't their biggest concern.

“Shh, my love. I know it’s hard but it’s going to be okay.” Remus said softly. “You’re going to be okay.”

“Hate-” he screamed again in frustration.

“Shh, I know. I know. Shh. You’re going to give yourself a headache, baby. You’ve got to calm down.”

The words held little meaning. The 30 minute long breakdown ended in an hour long paralyzing headache.

+++

“Guess who was cleared for exercise.” Logan shouted when he threw Dumos door open.

The team all cheered around him.

“Gonna get sick of it in a week.” Kasey teased him.

“Probably but oh well.” He flashed a bright smile.

“Congrats.” Sirius nodded.

“Thanks Cap.” Logan clapped him on the back. Sirius had been cleared last month and Logan had been whining every sense.

Team parties had changed drastically since the accident.

No longer loud and obnoxious, no one wanting to trigger a headache.

Drinks were rare. Neither of them were allowed alcohol with their medications.

Everyone had gotten used to talking slower so that Sirius could understand them. Sirius never said anything when they were talking too fast at first but a look from Remus reminded them. And even if Remus got caught up in the conversation at glance as Sirius’s downfallen face let them know.

So they settled into the new environment even finding it comfortable.

“Can you get me one of those?” Sirius asked Remus quietly, pointing at one of Celestes cookies.

“Sure, ba-” Remus stopped. “Say that again.”

“Can you get me one of those?” Sirius gave him a confused look before his eyes went wide. His words flowing easily.

“Say something else.”

“What else? Oh my god I can talk.” He flung himself onto Remus.

They clung to each other tightly. Both of them laughing wetly with tears as Sirius chanted “I love you” over and over again. And Remus whispered it back.

“What? What happened?” James asked.

“Say their names.” Remus spun Sirius to face them.

“Dumo, James, Kasey, Logan, Leo, Finn, Walker, Kuny, Olli-”

Everyone cheered at the heightened speed, not super fast but still not forced and stuttered like before.

“Told you you would get better.” Sirius whispered to Remus as the team surrounded them.

@lumosinlove

Not proof read and rushed I’m sorry

[spaceace314]

Anxiety attacks

Trigger warning: This post will talk in depth about anxiety attacks. If you suffer or have ever suffered from anxiety attacks, this post may be triggering for you, so feel free to skip this post and look at some cute puppies instead. Also, trigger warning for mild accidental self-harm in one paragraph, which will be stated at the beginning of the paragraph as well in case you need to skip it. If you do choose to read on, please please please be safe.

Disclaimer: This post will be based on my experiences of anxiety attacks and my experiences alone, and will therefore not be representative of everybody’s experiences. Some people have anxiety attacks far far more severely than myself, and others have very mild anxiety attacks, but they are all completely valid and I don’t want to downplay anybody else’s problems. Also, any advice I may give may not help everybody because, again, this is based on only my experiences and I’m not a mental health expert. If you do need help and advice about anxiety issues, I would strongly recommend seeing a professional.

General warning: This is a loooooooong post. Sorry in advance.

I think that’s about everything. Onwards with the post! *clears throat*

I have been having anxiety attacks on and off for at least six years. They can vary in frequency from being months apart to happening almost every day. Currently, I’m having about one anxiety attack a week due to the stress of being back at university.

Because I’ve been having anxiety attacks for so long, I pretty much recognise the symptoms by now, to the point where I can tell a few minutes in advance if an anxiety attack is coming on. I have, on a handful of occasions, been able to sense an anxiety attack coming and stop it from happening, but most of the time they’re pretty difficult to stop, so I mainly focus on working out how to survive them and what to do afterwards, and over my many many years of experience, I’ve picked up several tricks and techniques. So without further ado, here’s my Super Useful Guide On How To Survive An Anxiety Attack.

Spaceace314′s Super Useful Guide On How To Survive An Anxiety Attack

Step 1: Recognising when an anxiety attack is about to happen

There are several warning signs that I notice before an anxiety attack starts. First and foremost, watch out for any potential triggers. For me personally, being in enclosed spaces, feeling trapped, or having to perform a task under pressure can often trigger an anxiety attack, so I’ve learnt to take extra care in exams and on trains and stay tuned in to my anxiety levels. 

Anxiety attacks can often start in your mind, in the form of thoughts spiralling out of control. If you catch yourself getting worked up by your thoughts, or having unrealistic thoughts about theoretical scenarios where everything goes wrong, you need to act fast to stop yourself from spiralling out of control. Rationalising your thoughts can sometimes help, which you can do by addressing each worry and calmly and logically, assessing the likelihood of it coming true (which will be very very low), and if it would actually be as bad as it seemed (eg failing a test won’t end the world). If this doesn’t work, you can try distracting yourself, maybe listen to music or message a friend, or if you’re nearby friends or family, go and talk to them if you feel comfortable doing so, because they might calm you down and help ground you.

The next sign I tend to notice after the spirally thoughts is that my breathing will start to go funny. I’ll be feeling worried and then suddenly realise that I stopped breathing at some point and that I currently can’t take in any air. This can be absolutely terrifying, especially if you’re not used to it, but you need to stay calm. There are many breathing exercises that you can try, and my personal go to is 4-7-8, which means breathing in for 4 seconds, holding your breath for 7 seconds, and breathing out for 8 seconds. Focusing on your breathing can also have the useful side-effect of distracting you from your anxious thought spiral, which is super-duper helpful for avoiding an attack. 

There are lots of other physical symptoms, such as increased heart rate, sweaty palms, being unable to sit still, being close to tears or crying, feeling suddenly hot, feeling suddenly sick, and loads more (anxiety attacks are so fun). Keep an eye out for these signs, because being able to sense and prevent an anxiety attack is a lot better than having to suffer through one. But if you can’t stop the attack, move on to step 2.

Step 2: Preparing for an anxiety attack that you can’t stop.

So I’ve had situations where I can sense an anxiety attack coming that I can’t stop, but I’ve at least had a couple of minutes before it builds up to the point where it takes over completely. This time can be extremely important. 

Firstly, get yourself into a safe environment. For example, if you’re cooking and feel an attack coming on, turn off all of your cooking stuff (hob, microwave, oven etc) so that you can leave it for a while without risking your own safety. Chances are that you won’t be able to take care of things if something boils over whilst you’re busy hyperventilating, so for your own safety (and peace of mind), just turn everything off. Unless you’re using a slow cooker, in which case it’s probably fine. 

Next, find somewhere comfortable, preferably sitting down, where you can wait out the anxiety attack. A comfy chair won’t stop you from panicking, but it’s more comfortable to cry your eyes out in a nest of blankets and cushions than sitting on a cold kitchen floor. If you’re having an anxiety attack in a public place, try to find somewhere quiet where you can sit for a while. Also, if you can grab something to distract yourself with (like your phone or some fidget toys), then do. Having something else to focus on can help to keep you grounded and lessen both the intensity and length of an anxiety attack. Once you’re in a safe environment, just try to stay calm (which is easier said than done, I know), because you might just have to wait it out, but it will pass.

Step 3: Surviving the anxiety attack

Are you sitting comfortably? Then let’s begin. At some point, the anxiety will take over. I generally find myself unable to talk and struggling to breathe, and most of the time I’ll cry silently and uncontrollably. When I first started having anxiety attacks, which generally happened during tests, they would be completely paralysing to the point where I could literally have my pen in my hand and resting on my test paper and want to write a single word, a single letter, to just move my pen downwards, but be completely unable to. The paralysis still happens sometimes, but it isn’t anywhere near as regular as it was and it isn’t quite as bad any more. Anyway, these symptoms can be absolutely terrifying, and it can feel like there’s no way out and the anxiety attack will never end, but I can promise you that it will end eventually. You need to keep breathing, breathing is very very important, and try to stay calm. I know how terrifying it can be not having control of your own breathing, but remember that it can’t kill you, because you’ll literally pass out before your body lets you suffocate. (Is that comforting? I was aiming for comforting). My point is, you’re gonna be okay, and the not-breathing thing, although terrifying, won’t cause you any actual serious harm. You’re safe and it’ll all be okay, I promise.

(TW: Accidental self-harm description start)  Also, you may, without realising, start to cause yourself harm if you’re too zoned out to think properly, so it’s important to keep an eye on what you’re doing. If you notice that you’re digging your nails into your palms and leaving marks, or that you’re scratching your arms until they turn red, try to stop yourself. This can be super difficult, especially when your brain is most decisively Not Cooperating with you, but you still need to try. It can help to have something to fidget with, like a tangle or a stretchy stress toy, but literally try to do anything else with your hands, even if you end up scribbling on a piece of paper then snapping your pen in half, because making sure that you don’t get hurt needs to be your priority. Keep yourself safe. Also keep breathing, that’s real important for staying alive and all.  (Accidental self-harm description end)

Some people will focus on one particular thought and use it as an anchor to reality, like their cute tiny little puppy being adorable and cute and looking up at them with soft loving puppy eyes. Some people might have a mantra that they repeat, such as “nothing is as bad as it seems” or “I will get through this” which will remind them that they’re gonna be okay. Different things work for different people, and it can just be a case of trial and error to find out what works for you. One thing that works pretty well for me is the 54321 grounding exercise, where you name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This basically reminds your brain of the reality around you, which can stop some of the anxious brain-spiralling from happening and keep you calm (or, y’know, calmer). Also keep up the breathing thing, that’s still important. 

Distracting yourself with other stuff or talking to people can also help you to keep calm, which will make the anxiety attack slightly easier to manage. But it is also, rather unfortunately, often just a waiting game. I often find that my anxiety attacks trail off after about 20 minutes, but I’ll experience waves of anxiety (like, I’ll be fine, a minute later I’ll be panicky and cry again, a minute later I’ll be fine, a minute later I’ll be teary, etc) for several more minutes. But the attack will sort itself out, if for no other reason than you’ll exhaust yourself and your body will calm down in response to that. You just need to keep calm and keep breathing and remember than anxiety attacks don’t last forever and that you’re gonna be okay. Everything will be okay. You’ve just gotta keep breathing for, like, 20 minutes, then everything will all be okay again.

Step 4: After the anxiety attack

So you’ve survived an anxiety attack, and now you’re sitting down, wrapped in blankets, your face covered in tears and snot, and all you want to do is go to sleep and hide from the world forever. But first, you need to take care of yourself. Drink some water, especially if you’ve been crying. You’ve been out of it for a while, and humans need water to survive. If you’re feeling hungry (and you really might be hungry, anxiety attacks take a lot of energy), then grab yourself a snack and eat it slowly. You need to stay calm, so try to take things slow if you can. And then, once you’re all okay again physically, take a long long sleep if you need (or want) to. Anxiety attacks are exhausting, and a good sleep will do you the world of good. And even after you feel all better again, after you’ve drunk water and eaten food and slept, be sure to be gentle with yourself. Anxiety attacks are horrible, and you need to take proper care of yourself because your mental health and wellbeing is extremely important, you are extremely important, and you deserve to be happy, or at the very least, have not-terrible mental health.

~~~~~~~~

Le fin. (That’s French for the end. I think.)

~~~~~~~~

Anyway, thanks for reading my (extremely long) post. If any of y’all suffer with anxiety issues or anxiety attacks, I hope that you know that you’re not alone, and that there are people who can help and support you. And if you don’t have anxiety attacks, then maybe this post helped you get an idea of what they are and how the can affect people.

I love you guys, stay safe out there.

[asynca]

Hey auntie whats a good way to start to enjoy what I look like. I've been working out and have love some weight but eveytime I look in any mirror I wanna smash it I hate how I look. And I feel nothing I'm doing will fix. I feel like I look so gross that I shoudnt even go out in public.

Oh man. How long you got? I had eating disorders for years and yoyo-dieted between extremely thin and obese multiple times. 

There’s no point in me giving you a stock-standard answer you can google; I”m sure you’ve already done that. So I’ll just talk about myself! Always fun. 

For me, the turning point came slowly over time, and had to do with my health. 

As I age, little things go wrong with me. My knees click (I have to be careful of injuring them when I run now). The joints in my fingers hurt in the winter (I type too much), and when I don’t exercise, my blood pressure is crap, so I have to exercise. My cousin, who is 5 years younger than me, has stage IV bowel cancer and his hand got paralysed in one of the operations to remove it. My dad has heart problems. My mum has foot problems and struggles to walk now (a problem, as she loves travelling). Every day, I’m reminded that I’m mortal, and slowly, slowly, my body is falling apart. When I got raced to hospital, these things were all I could think about, and the only thing going through my head was, “I WANT TO LIVE! I DON��T WANT TO DIE!” 

The experience of desperately not wanting to die (something I’ve actually had several times…. whoops), changed my perception of what I am. 

My body’s job is to keep me alive so I can continue to enjoy my life. All these bullshit other functions we assign it (for example, looking nice for other people) are a waste of head space. 

My body is mine, it’s not shaped at all the way I think it should be, it doesn’t have parts I feel like it should have, but it’s all I’ve got, and I’m going to make the best of it and attempt to enjoy my life. My body is mine to live in. 

The whole time I had this external way of looking at my body (”How do people think I look?”/”Am I pretty enough/handsome enough?”), I wasn’t living inside my body and enjoying what it can do for me. Every time I catch myself saying ‘they probably think I’m…..’ or ‘Wow, she’s way prettier that me’ or ‘I look bad in this’, I interrogate that fucking thought. My body isn’t for other people, it’s for me. It’s for helping me taste wonderful food, listen to music, travel to beautiful places, hug my wonderful wife. It’s not for someone else to look at and go ‘pfft’. Because even if they DO think that… whatever? It’s not going to make this chocolate taste any worse. Hugging my wife tonight isn’t going to suck more just because some chick doesn’t think I’m hot enough. Their opinion of me means nothing. 

No matter what my body looks like, and no matter what someone else thinks of it: it has value. It’s keeping me alive. It’s helping me enjoy my life and achieve the things I want to achieve. 

So. Everytime you catch yourself wondering what other people think about you, cut that thought short.

Instead, focus about how you feel right now, in your body. 

I’m serious. 

Get out of the screen you’re looking at, focus on where you are and how you feel. 

What do your clothes feel like? Are you hot? Cold? Hungry? Look around you. Where are you and how long have you been here? Spend a moment existing in your body. That’s what matters. Being IN your body. Not imagining how it looks to others. 

When you catch yourself wondering what other people think of your body, come back out of your head and focus on being inside your body and concentrate on the feedback it’s giving you. Think about how you feel physically. Normal? GREAT! You’re at least somewhat healthy! Time to use this body to enjoy yourself. 

You may think you’re fat and ugly - but even if you are, who cares? Your body can still do amazing things for you and give you an amazing life. It’s still an absolutely unparalleled piece of evolutionary genius that you have the opportunity to control for ~84 years. It’s incredible, and it’s all yours. Don’t let anyone take that away from you, and don’t try and take it away from yourself. 

Your body’s job is to be the vessel through which you relate to the world and have amazing experiences. When you practice enjoying your body and taking care of it, you’ll stop seeing it as something you have for other people, and start seeing it as an incredible gift that’s going to bring you many amazing experiences for the rest of your life

[jasmint-greentea]

2020

I’m so immensely grateful for my leave in January 2020, to begin this year with a huge red reset button. Reflecting on my past 1 and a half years of working, I’ve begun to feel overstretched, overworked, and overdrawn. There were too many a time I’ve caught myself feeling like I’m giving into deficit, and losing the very joy and excitement I once had regarding medicine and the promises of being a healthcare provider. Serving was less a calling and more a motion I had to bulldoze through to get to my bed at the end of the day.

The past 1 week of intense self reflection has honestly allowed me to return back to a discovery of God, of me, of family and friends. I now see 2020 with a 20/20 vision that I’ve casually forgotten to behold. With a new set of prescription glasses to reset and remove all the dust, gunk and despair I’ve smeared across my old pair. Dear Jasmine, this is written for you. For you to remember through trying times what you need is always the same - to return your vision on His heavenly throne.

1. Do not hurry

I was forced to confront the greatest enemy to my spiritual life since I’ve been working - hurriedness - in the past week. As I slowed down my pace of life, I found my insomnia and anxiety seeping away.

Truth be told, I’ve been battling with a lot of anxiety attacks and insomniac nights recently, and I was struggled to unravel and pinpoint the underlying cause.

Since working, I’ve noticed my kanchong-ness multiplying a million folds, as work always prioritises efficiency and outcome above all. All the while with a million pushes from everywhere (my boss, my colleagues, my nurses, my patients, my own expectations) - each one with a different voice screaming at me with their own objectives and demands. Though I pride myself in being a highly efficient individual, I’ve found my own mental and spiritual life crumbling under its weight. It has also strained a good many of my relationships, as the once chill Jasmine is now angry and impatient, snapping at any situation that isn’t ideally optimised.

Corrie ten Boom once said, that if the devil can’t make you sin, he’ll make you busy. Both have the same effect of cutting ourselves from God with distractions.

When asked, “how’s life”, how many times have I answered with “busy”?

God is not a God of hurry, He is a God of slowness because He is love, and love has a speed that is opposite of what we expect - and that’s why we often wait upon Him. Similarly, God walks with us, not runs with us. He chooses to be slow so that there is love, joy and peace (which beyond emotions, are actually conditions of the heart). Where we hurry we lose those gifts. After all, when describing love, it is first patient before it is kind. And joy and peace comes with being present in the current moment with gratitude and total surrender to His will and timing.

Often this hurry translate over to a hurried pursuit of completing goals in life too - be it residency, finding a partner or finding fulfilment, I find myself upset in the waiting. And until I truly learn to slow down and enjoy the process of intentionally seeking God first, to journey with Him to the end point, I don’t think neither the journey nor the gift with truly give me the satisfaction I so desire.

2. You’re in God’s good hands

Another thing I’ve come to discuss intensely with my brother on this trip was my guilt and belief that I could alter the plans God have for me. As if a measly human that I am is more powerful that the mighty God that He is, in shaping my life and what it will be.

Perhaps because I’ve often felt that if I had done things differently, that the outcome of my life may be less miserable as it is now. Perhaps "he" would have stayed, perhaps I would have known the residency I wanted, perhaps I would not have chosen medicine, perhaps…

And the guilt of feeling that a bad outcome was a doing of purely my disobedience, a punishment of some sort, had been a lie that I’ve gobbled up to the point I’ve forgotten to speak God’s word into my own life. This was accompanied by a growing insecurity in the wisdom of my decisions, and I often find myself spending more time questioning a situation, than committing to a decision.

Hence I had to remind myself that it is not by my works that I’ve received God’s love - but by Jesus’s blood; that it is not by my hands that my life unfolds - but in the Potter’s hands I am made; and that the evil in my life can still be used - as all things the devil meant for evil, in His hands is worked out for good.

This knowledge of the supremacy of God’s power freed me from the fear that my life was an endless series of my poor decisions, and instead helped me reset and focus that so long as I dwell in the presence of the Lord, He will take the good and bad parts of life and weave it into His greater storyline.

Perhaps more than anything, the fears from my past relationship experiences have greatly paralysed me from believing or pursuing a new one. So the knowledge that the previous outcomes were Godly intended has freed me from the anxiety of the decision making process. Knowing that even if I choose a different lover, a different career, a different church, nothing would separate me from the goodness of God - so long as I love Him first.

Lastly, it made the burdens I’ve been caring so much lighter. For God appealed to us to come and find rest in Him for our souls, for His yoke is easy and His burden is light This was a verse I believe I’ve used multiple times in my old blog entries, yet each time I feel I see it with a fresh light. This time, I saw how God knows that life is an unending series of burdens. Yet what we need isn’t an escape from that weight, but a way to carry it with ease and joy when we cultivate a spirit of restfulness.

I need not fear that any outcome of my life was determined solely by my actions, I need not constantly fear that history will repeat itself. And that I can move forward courageously to embrace the present and face the future with anticipation and trepidation of seeing all things work for His good.

3. Live intentionally, to put God first

An culmination of the above points, I would say is the pursuit of God first.

To not let the business of life, or the lies ingrained into our minds, keep us from the pursuit from the one thing that truly matters - God.

In all things, I needed to intentionally pursue Him first - be it a new relationship, my own relationship with my body, with friends and family, my career, my service in church; as long as my vision is not directed on Him, my path will always be wrong.

At age 25 with no dating experience, the fear of becoming a spinster with no children is a very true dread. Yet if I tear my eyes away from God, to find a man to replace Him, that would always be the wrong answer. I’ve decided that this year, I will literally “pursue” God first by dating God.

You might think, what do I mean by that?

I want to pour out my heart, my soul, my dreams, my ambitions, fully into the pursuit of Christ. The love I once poured out to chase a man, I now pour into chasing the one who loved me first. To truly seek to know and be known, to love and be loved by God. After all, if I don’t know the Maker, I won’t know the one He has made for me.

If I want to find someone who loves God first, and burns with passion for Him, with a heart of mission to serve His kingdom, I would also want him to see that we could be a dream team. And so, in order to find someone like that, my eyes has to be on the greater prize of Christ. Likewise, why would such a man choose me?

Similarly in my career, if I don’t put God first, I am by default placing my work as an idol in my life. Rather I need to learn to be like Daniel, to stand strongly in the intention of living for God and God only - even if it took him to the pits of fire or the lion's den. To make wise decisions that reflect the quality of God and His steadfast faithfulness, all the while serving an earthly king and putting his hands to the toil. I think that’s the Jesus way of living - a servant, a leader, but firstly, a son.

I’ve put down practical ways and goals such that the above can be fulfilled in work, and not resound like an empty gong.

Every morning, set aside 10 mins to just bask in the presence of the Lord, and meditate on God’s truth. Wash out all the lies that has creeped into your heart and renew your mind to His Word every morning.

During work, do not rush, do not hurry. Be present to your patients, your colleagues and yourself. Love is first patient, before it is kind. Learn to be patient, and to not let the hurriedness of working carry you away from the 2 greatest commandments of love.

If extra work is given to you, take heart that God will carry the weight with you. And his yoke is easy and His burden is light, for it is a team effort, and you’ve got God on your side.

Plan joy. Always include in Sabbath (a day of rest and reset), holidays, and things that will bring you joy in your life. Acknowledge and respect that you need “me time” too. Do not apologise for choosing joy, we are not meant to always work.

Exercise for you own a temple of God, and you need to keep it worthy for Him. Three times a week, choose to go outside to exercise, and take the moment of pushing your body to remember the good good God who gave you a life to live.

Do not worry, off all electronic devices by 9pm, and end the day with a prayer of thanksgiving. Remember that as long as we stay in God’s presence, His divine plan is already in action. There is nothing in our lives, good or evil, that will not all work into His greater narrative for our lives.

Date God first. He is the reason we love and we serve. Even in church, at work, with family, or friends, always go back to Him and choose God first. Don’t let the business of work distract you from the reason we work to begin with - for God and with God.

Forgo distractions (mindless Youtube and Netflix surfing), that only serve to fill time with an empty void, and a false pretence of “doing something”. Instead choose hobbies you want to invest in to bring you closer to God - exercise, music, reading, writing, painting. And learn to find God in the stillness of being present.

All the blessings for the upcoming 2020, and I look forward to the many testimonies this year will bring.

[thehouseonthehill]

Fear Release

I’ve passed my official due date. Friends have been messaging asking if there is any news and saying things like ‘I bet you can’t wait to meet your baby’ and ‘you must just really want it out now’.

But I confess that most days I’ve quietly thought ‘not yet, please don’t come yet, I’m not ready’. Of course I’m excited to meet this little person who is constantly wriggling around inside me and kicking me, but I’m also terrified. Terrified of giving birth and scared of how life is about to change.

BFG is also oscillating between excitement and fear. Most of the time he is calm and reassuring, constantly telling me that I can do it and that all will be well. But sometimes he wobbles too. The other week he saw me lying down stroking my bump and suddenly said, ‘I can’t cope. Keep it in’.

Just when I think I’m calm and ready, I become seized by panic and anxiety. I worry that I can’t do it, that the baby will get stuck as my body becomes paralysed by fear, that my heart will give up through strain and exhaustion, that I’ll pass out, that I’ll lose too much blood.

Where does all this fear come from? It might go right back to my very beginning, if we are the stories we tell ourselves. My Dad has always described my birth as like a scene from the horror film Alien. My Mum had a caesarean and when she was sliced open, he says that I sat up inside her stomach covered in blood and seized the doctor’s finger with my eyes wide open. He’s told this story at dinner parties and it is even written in my Baby Book. First impressions? Mum wrote ‘Beautiful’. Dad wrote ‘Alien’.

So there is the first seed, an indelible image of my own dramatic birth. In adulthood, I collected birth stories with macabre glee, pushing friends and family to share intimate and horrifying details, relishing the drama. When I fell pregnant, I googled risk factors for every conceivable problem. What are the chances of: dying in childbirth, having a stillborn baby, needing a caesarean, tearing from a vaginal birth, being incontinent after a vaginal birth, permanently losing feeling in your spine after an epidural? And on and on. I have imbibed too many terrifying tales and sordid statistics.

What to do with all this fear? Early on, I turned to hypnobirthing, reading three books on the subject and taking a course. The premise of hypnobirthing is simple, based on the premise:

Fear = Tension = Pain

The more you panic about contractions and try to resist them, the more you will be working against your muscles and the more painful and prolonged the whole process is likely to be. Hypnobirthing is about trusting your body to work naturally and instinctively to birth your baby. It aims to keep your conscious mind out of the way in order to let the body do its job as efficiently as possible. Breathing exercises help you to stay calm and supply your muscles with plenty of oxygen. Our tutor told us that women in comas can give birth - it can all happen without you consciously doing anything.

As I’m not in a coma, the challenge is to keep my mind out of the way. I have a very active mind. Hypnobirthing involves self-hypnosis to reprogramme your brain to eliminate fear and think positively about birth. Whilst I believe the theory and plan to embrace the breathing exercises, I have struggled with re-programming and switching off my conscious mind.

In our classes we’ve watched videos showing hypnobirthing mothers giving birth. These women ‘breathed’ their babies out, without screaming, without being told to push. They maintained a state of controlled calm, even though you could see the discomfort on their faces. It is a world apart from the dramatic births typically depicted on television. We sat silently watching these incredible women whilst the camera zoomed in on the baby coming out. However calm the women were, there was the inescapable reality that these babies were being squeezed out from a small space. After the video our tutor asked us what we thought of what we’d seen. We all sat in awkward silence for a while. The expectation was for comments along the lines of ‘she was so calm, she didn’t scream, it’s amazing’. But instead my friend broke the silence confessing, ‘I don’t want to do it’. My thought exactly.

In class, we’ve done relaxation exercises. One exercise involved trying to lose feeling in your hand, and then transferring that numbness from your hand to your face. BFG achieved this. I didn’t and immediately thought, ‘I’m going to feel everything, there is no escape’.

I turn to my hypnobirthing affirmations, which I listen to lying in bed:

I put all fear aside as I prepare for the birth of my baby

I’m relaxed and happy that my baby is finally coming to me

I’m focussed on a smooth, easy birth

I trust my body to know what to do and I follow its lead

Each surge of my body brings my baby closer to me

I look forward to birthing with joy and ecstasy

Intrusive thought: No, I can’t go this far. I can’t look forward to birthing. I still fear it. I find the other affirmations helpful. I repeat them to myself. I shut my eyes, breathe deeply in and out, feel my lungs and diaphragm inflate, try to think positively. But I haven’t let go of all the fear.

Some friends took a class where everyone wrote down their birth fears and then a shaman ritually burnt them all. I don’t have a shaman. But perhaps writing these fears here will prove an exorcism of sorts. I hope so, I can’t carry them anymore. And I do want this baby to come soon, before the medical professionals intervene and induce my labour. So, once more, with feeling:

I put all fear aside as I prepare for the birth of my baby

[hyperesthesias]

Loki x Sigyn

Love Never Dies | Part IX

Rating: G

Words: 2.193

Summary: Loki tends to a recovering Sigyn, but how much is he intent on hiding from her?

Notes: these two are my weakness, that’s all i can say. it reminds me of one of the first fics i wrote of them, but i’m so happy to tweak things into a richer plot that incorporates the mcu. enjoy! ♥

“How is that, my dear?” Loki asked his wife, spooning a drink of bone broth into her mouth as she sipped it quietly. 

It was all she could do to nod in agreement, and she pushed herself to grant him a smile of happy approval -- though, it seemed to come out as more of a grimace. 

Nonetheless, he recognised her efforts and smiled in return; a joyous, yet melancholy smile, he took in a deep breath and dipped the spoon back into the bowl. “You have done well to drink what I have given you,” he commended her, “I know you haven’t much of an appetite of late.”

“How can I refuse you?” Sigyn wheezed, her smile growing as she drank the next spoonful obediently. 

He only chuckled, knowing his wife well -- and while she had a deeply rooted desire to please, she was as stubborn as she was gracious, at times. “Easily, I’m sure -- and I would have not the mind to disagree.”

This garnered a small chuckle from her, where it expelled into a minor coughing fit -- a pained contortion gripping her features, she grappled with the disuse of her lungs, her hands immediately going to her chest, where they were met with the healing bullet wound.

Loki immediately set aside the bowl of broth and helped her sit up further, and lean forward, as if to help her breathe easier. And while she struggled to fight with hers, Loki found he was holding his own breath, stuck in a ball in his throat -- as if it would stop altogether if something happened to her once more.

Eventually, Sigyn took in a slight gasp of air that seemed to satiate the heaping vacuum within her -- for the time being; where she fell backwards into Loki’s arms and he guided her gently back against the vastness of pillows he’d set up for her. Another, less assured, breath came from her as she relaxed upon the headboard, her dark eyes seated at the canopy over their bed. Colours seemed brighter than she remembered, depth and circumstance seemed to be more prominent to her, and everything was more vivid than she had imagined. And she’d always had a bright and lively imagination. Everything around her seemed to be nearly too much to handle; the daylight that bled from behind the balcony curtains making her to wince, though they were shut tight; the scent of the broth on the tray several feet away from her, ringing in the forefront of her head; and the periodic thunder of the guards’ boots a calamity in her mind. She’d begun to wonder just what type of dream she’d awoken into, and how long she would stay. But her only consolation throughout her supposed fantasy was the loving and tender presence of her beloved, Loki, a constant at her bedside. 

For so long she had been his pillar of constancy, a faithful nurturer, and a shield of sorts -- enemies from far and wide having hunted him for many a millennia; poison seeping through the sheer fabric of reality that separated her havenous Realm from the rest of the Nine, all the while she had stayed it from him. A barrier of his for and from the outside world. She had never expected any thing in return -- to be so, and to do so, had been her choice and an honour -- she asked only to be loved, and loved she was. Purely and thoroughly, every part of her, even the parts she did not like, or did not want to even admit. He took every piece of her and made her known, and cherished every darkened corner of her heart, to the brilliant light that shone almost too much for others to bear. He’d loved her, he always had -- and this she knew.

She had not expected him to return the favour of such constancy; but as she lay there, watching him stir her bowl of broth -- she wondered, even if she believed it a dream, why she had not. To the ends of the Realms he would go for her, this she knew, and this she never used against him.

“Would you like more?” he asked in a whisper, motioning the bowl toward her.

She only shook her head. 

“Very well,” he agreed and set it aside back onto the tray. “Forgive me being the cause of your outburst,” he said and began to replace the covers over her. “I did not mean to disrupt you.”

She shook her head again. “You did not. It is...good exercise...for my lungs,” she smiled as she spoke, never placing undo blame on him, but cupped her hand around his face, brushing her thumb against his cheek.

He found he could not resist her, the power she yet held over him blanketing upon him all at once, and he was paralysed there before her, in her grasp. His face nestled against her the palm of her hand, and his eyes fluttered closed as he took a breath -- a real breath, not a breath of fear, neither agony, nor irritation, or simplicity, but the first real breath he felt he’d breathed in years. A swath of perfect freshness refrained through him and inch by inch he felt as though his entire body had become anew simply because...she touched him. He knew he did not deserve it, and the one spot where her hand remained, he felt an odd deadness -- where he remembered and pictured all those who’d sacrificed their lives for her. He determined then he could never tell her, never admit to her the consequence of her return; for she was a goddess -- pure and refined, unblemished and untainted -- and such a vile creature of death as he could never dwell in the presence of a goddess.

He opened his eyes, not realising he would meet hers -- but her gaze on him was steady, as was her hand. He knew those eyes -- dark as the dead of night, yet, unlike the night, nothing could hide within them. She saw all, especially in him. Try as he might’ve there was little he could keep from her, but this secret, this secret of war and decay...he intended never to relinquish it.

“Loki...” she breathed again, her hand growing weak as it slid down his features; he caught it, and held her hand within his as he beckoned closer to her, ready to kneel at her side if she so required it. “I know there is much...you are -- hiding from me,” her breath erratic, her speech betrayed her condition.

He expected her to say more -- but what more was there to say. It was the truth, and of that, and much more, he was ashamed. His lowered his gaze, feeling not even worthy to look on her as she did on him. Teeth gnawing at the insides of his lips and cheeks, he thought for a moment, gathered his words -- chose them wisely, if he were to be judged by his Queen, the goddess. 

“It is as you say. I have much to hide,” he decided to admit that which he could not keep from her for the time being, but that did not mean he had to divulge details -- especially not now. He finally looked up to her again, the glimmer of day catching her brightness, illuminating so that he was certain she was a star, herself. But he steeled himself, lifting his chin, biting the inside of his lips once more before he nodded. “I have done many things -- not all of them virtuous, or even, perhaps, redeemable. But they are done, they dwell in the past -- my foremost concern of now is...you,” he persuaded, reaching out to her with his other hand, hesitating to touch her should he defile her in some way. 

She only hummed with a knowing smile reaching up her paled lips. “Then it is that bad,” she surmised, edging her face towards his fingers, as if to call on his wanted attention.

He only let a breathy chuckle as he watched her. But her grin soon turned into a furrow of unsuredness, and he mirrored her complexion: “What is it, my love?”

“How long...has it been?” she asked, a hoarseness nearly masking her question.

Loki had been expecting this question for some time, anticipating his answer -- the gap between time growing larger and larger since her absence. Such things would be difficult to explain, this he always knew but...now as he saw her, lying there, reduced to being entirely dependent on him for the time being, he had little heart to lie to her, especially when she looked him in the eye.

He looked away again, unsure how to answer, and placed her hand back on the bed as he cleared his throat. “Some while,” he finally decided.

He told her nothing, and yet everything all at once. This was no dream, she concluded -- this was very much real, and the pain that proceeded to chip away at his countenance, not even that could be clearer in some mind’s view. So many thoughts bombarded her at once: what happened to her people? Who was leading them? Were they well? Did they think her dead? How long had Loki been alone? Loki does not do well alone. What had happened while she was gone? What did he do? She had not been there to protect him this time, she had not been the shield, the constant. She had been...

She had been...ill? Unconscious? ...Worse?

Her sights had not left him as she watched the suffering unfold on him, and she realised it had been much, much worse. And when her gaze finally parted from his figure, she looked down at the wound upon her chest, as though she were seeing it for the first time. There was no possible way she could have survived the blow -- the bullet had gone straight through her. She remembered now.

She remembered being on Midgard, on a goodwill mission, to announce the presence of their realm to the others -- but something had gone terribly awry: they were met with such hostility, her guards eager to protect their Queen, the Midgardians eager to protect their world. A haze over the scenario clogged her memory, but she remembered the shadow of Loki in front of her, the sound of an explosion, the bullet firing, ripping apart the air, and then...

...Ripping into her chest.

Pain. All she remembered was pain after that. A vague memory of Loki coming to her aide, his arms wrapped around her, the coolness of his tears against her face, then black.

As though she had been inserted into a long, dreamless slumber. 

Her eyes passed to her love once again, and she saw now the suffering upon it was not only grief, but guilt. A horrendous amount of it. He could not protect her, he had failed, she had perished and he was left alone. For all this, of course, she did not blame him -- but that did not mean he did not blame himself. 

A softness bathed her features as she thought on such things and as she observed him, and there came from her a tenderness, a love inexplicable -- for she recognised both the selfishness in his motives, and yet the purity in them, too. She rolled her hand off the bed once more, where it landed on his. 

He started, briefly, but quieted when he saw her hand reach for him, and a pained smile emerged instead. He stroked her hand, smooth as spring petals, caressing each finger with a gentleness reserved only for her. But eventually, his eyes wandered to hers, where a shadow of knowing became him. “You’ve figured it out,” it was more of a statement than a question or assumption.

She didn’t say anything, but feebly wrapped her fingers round his.

“Will you forgive me?” he asked, choosing not to look at her again.

“Yes,” she answered.

He scoffed. “You know not all that I have done. Will you forgive me then?”

Her hand clutched to hers just a little tighter, and her sight focused on him just a little harder, as if to call his attention to her, and her words were just a little firmer: “I already do.”

Loki sat there, unsure what to do with himself. She granted him forgiveness and refuge within herself once more, and he had nothing left to offer her -- no station, no place of hiding save for his suite, nothing. Yet he loved her, intensely, dangerously so, and for that, he would trade nothing. 

He tried to hide the emotion that overtook him, refusing to look at her still, hoping to keep himself from her, but he failed, as he often did. He did not outburst, he did not plead nor weep -- he simply lay his head beside her and held her hand. Offering himself as the most he had.

And she accepted with grace.

[manoniswriting-blog]

Interactive Story Telling’s Exercise

. wrote this as an exercice.  Here’s what we had to do : Write a story with 3 different characters. The 3 of them had to be linked by one event. So here’s the story of Valentina, a Scientist stranded in a planet, Jien, an old merchant in a Spacial Station and Saech, a young woman sent by her people on a exploration. All of them have to face an Alien Invasion.  Trigger Warning: Mention of Death / Blood  Sci-Fi                                      ____________________________ Vocal Board Journal: November 28th, 2154 of the 57th Interstellar Council.  In M31 Galaxy  .It’s been five days now… They should have picked me up long ago. I tried to contact the spatial base yesterday, but all that signals were automatics ones, with their crappy robotic voices. First of all, we are in the 22th Century, robots’ voices should have evolved and shouldn’t sound like the 21th century’s ones ! It’s won’t cost that much to Sterra to engage an Android to replace those old, cold ancient robots’ voice ! But now, that’s not important,what’s important is that the spatial station didn’t respond to my call. Most of the time, the reparations when the antennas are destroyed, due to the multiple  asteroids waves that constantly crashed on the station take from 4 days to 2 weeks if the antennas are critically damaged. When i last contacted the base, one month ago, they warned me about a small asteroid wave, but nothing too serious to totally destroy all the antennas. I will retry tomorrow. Maybe it’s just wrongly put ElectoLight Signals . Vocal Board Journal: November 30th, 2154 of the 57th Interstellar Council. In the M31 Galaxy .Still Nothing. Not even the robotic voice now… This is really strange. I tried yesterday to project my signal on the nearby planets but no communication … Only Statics. My Radio-Electrolight-Catcher doesn’t catch any echoes, which is unsettling. Most of the time, those same echoes falsifie my own results, due to their powerful and invasive behavior. Stress is slowly rising right now. It’s been 5 months that I’m here alone. I purposely cut myself from the Universe in order to focus on my work. But now what should I do ?  What if  a interstellar krach happened, paralysing the whole system ? Or worse… A Solar explosion, frying all the electronics ? If that’s the case, I’m protected by the strong magnetic field and the heavy atmosphere, that might have blocked all the radiation of a solar explosion… I found a old Teleporter in the storage room on the base, maybe left here by the previous inhabitant of this stranded base. I will sacrifice some of my equipment to repair and upgrade it. I hope that it won’t take long, my rations are shorter and shorter everyday. Vcal Board Journal: 3th December, 2154 of the 57th Interstellar Council. In the Intergalactic Spatial Station. If someone hear this entry… The Intergalactic Spatial Station have fallen… Everyone is dead… An unknown hostile race have conquered it and killed everybody… I arrived on the IGSS one day ago… And now, I’m going to Die… To everybody still alive in this galaxy… Don’t respond to the Alert signal from the Station, they will located you and then…and then… Just...  Good Luck out there… Jien G. out .A loud noise, probably a gunshot only broke the calmness of the vocal entry .                                                  ____________ The ash and creaking fire rising from the newly crashed ship weren’t what woke up the young explorer. It was the raging sound of wild Dyavdras devouring their prey that tore Saech from her sleep. The sound of heavy steps, the paralysing sound of their growls and their skin-chilling grunts coming from their giants mouths. As soon as she put her hands on her gun below her pillow, she heard gun fires. Gun Fires ? She was alone here… Or was she ?  The adrenaline rushing through her veins, one hand gripping at the knife at the belt, the other on her gun, she quietly stepped out of tent, hidden in a rock cavity, torn by the wind and the sand from Evda. She froze when she found a heavy-wounded Dyavdra in front of her refuge. It seems like it wanted to take shelter in her cavity but couldn’t reach it.  If Death is near, may you reached the doors of heaven or hell , before Death drags you there by itself. The old voice of her teacher broke the silence of Saech’s mind. Even if these deadly creatures have devoured many of her people, a life is a life. When the Dyavdra spotted the explorer, it tried to stand up, but the blood running down its face and body, couldn’t allow the beast to hold its defensive stance too long. Without showing her fears, Saech slowly sat down next to it.  “ You serve to your purpose well, creature of the Nature. May your spirit rests in The Goddess arms and your body nourishes the God of Fertility. May your travel toward heaven be peaceful and without hatred toward the one that ripped you from this life. Forgive me for hurting you in order to free you from the pain that now fills you. May your life be better in the Siari’s Heaven. “  Saech’s hand gently reached toward the Dyavdra’s head, and was surprised when she heard what she guessed was purring. She closed the beast’s eyes and took her knife. With a swift motion, she planted her weapon deep is the creature’s thoat. With a last rush of life and a growl, the beast’s last breath escaped from its mouth and lost itself in the blackness of the night. The young explorer stood up swiftly when she heard incoming steps. She hid behind a rock, and waited. What she heard wasn’t what she expected, a strange language, not used to be heard around here.  But something didn’t feel right... She stayed hidden a few more seconds when a large shadow announced the arrival of someone. When the shadow was visible, she jumped, knife on the throat of the threat. When she landed on it, she saw the United Galaxies Badge on the shoulder of her prey, and quickly rose on her feet, dropping her knife and putting her hands in the air.  “ Galactic Soldier, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I wasn’t expecting someone here, and since i saw the Dyavdra i thought it was a Kaetechi’s attack”  The soldier stood up with some difficulties. Blood near the mouth and on the body armour. Green piercing eyes. 

“ Alkya S.T Sony, Soldier of the United Galaxies… Whoever you are, i’m begging you... i need shelter and medical attention.” Without any hesitations, Saech reached for the Soldier’s arm, put it behind her head, taking some of the weight, and leading the wounded soldier toward her shelter.Saech didn’t have time to ask questions to the slightly older women. After giving her the medical attention needed to the soldier, she quickly fell asleep. Two broken ribs, a twisted ankle and some bruises near her forehand and shoulders were taken care of but drastically drained the explorer’s health pack. Any way, a life is a life, as her education taught her. Today, she took away a life and protected another one. She hoped that the Goddess smiled upon her in that struggle-full and will give her less stress in the upcoming days. She was busy keeping the fire burning to notice the soldier failed attempt to stood up. It was only when Alkya’s tried to suppress a grunt of pain that Saech turned herself, rushing to the soldier’s side. “Don’t move soldier, you will hurt yourself more than needed. You have two broken ribs so stay down. My name is Saech, explorer from the Sand’s Traveler. You are safe with me. I heard your name was Alkya, soldier from the United Galaxies. What happenned to you ? “ Alkya was breathing heavily due to her wounds. She looked at Saech, green eyes shining with the fire’s light. Her voice was quieter than earlier .“ You heard well, Saech, I’m from The UG… Nice to meet you, and thank you very much for the shelter and the care. You saved my life, and for that I thank you.What happened…  My ship was attacked while fleeing the Norgaks and I crashed my ship trying to safely land it” The confusion and interrogation could be visible in the Sand’s Explorer eyes . “ You...don’t know what happen ? “  the Soldier voice was almost inaudible. “No… I was sent three weeks ago to find a new location for my people. I was heading back when a storm cut my journey. I took shelter here and I planned to continue to my town tomorrow. “ The silence took place after Saech’s words. The woods in the fire was the only thing slightly breaking the calmness of the moment. Before Alkya’s voice rose. “Two week ago, the UG received a large amount of distress signal coming from the farthest border of the Cluster. We thought it was maybe a rebellion since the tension there was increasing day after day. We were wrong… A new race had breached the cluster, but after a failed contact attempt, the Norgaks, as they called themselves, swore to destroy every life in this galaxy, to “ erase the illness to replace it with greatness” … They killed every being that they crossed… Every other world have fallen under their will… Theka.. Dagre’v…Even  The IGSS … and this planet too… I was here during the attack of the Sand People’s city… They fought well... I’m sorry.  “ Saech was quiet. All of them, lost. Anger. A few weeks, they were alright. Now they are not. Hatred. Tears. Arms reaching toward her and pulling her. A soft prison, keeping her grounded to reality, a soft prison drowned in tears, a prison made of scars, of hard military training and attempts to follow her parents’ step. Mumbled words reached Saech’s ears.  “ If we are the only ones left, at least, we are together… “ 

[timetraveldazeus-blog]

End of 2017/Start of 2018 Reflection

1.1.2018

To sum it up - life is not easy!

Back in the days, I put a lot of value on 心靈強大. To me, it mattered a lot whether one could see beyond their personal petty troubles, and extend their horizon to something bigger than themselves. This year especially, I have been thinking otherwise. There have been so many, so many changes both internally and externally, to a point that I feel like my values have changed. Despite so, I conclude that no matter what we do, 心靈強大 is a necessity. It is not merely reserved for working with vulnerable people. 

The biggest achievement must be coming to Myanmar and surviving this year. The days where I dream of working in developing country are long gone, now that I am actually living here. Some career highlights have been working on this social protection policy project, meeting high-level government officials but also some community-level groups and involving in a one-of-a-kind mobile money project. I have traveled to Nay Pyi Taw, Dry Zone, Ayeyarwaddy, Shan State for different purposes. For GPY, I still remember waiting for the Minister multiple times to approve the capacity building trip. Although I am not the main founder of GPY, I am quite proud of its achievement in pulling in so many resources. My part has been mainly getting the Yangon delegation to Hong Kong. July in Hong Kong was a great month. Because of GPY, there was also a unique opportunity to get involved with a facilitation between Octopus and local companies. Sometimes I think that it is quite a treat, to represent Octopus and talk to the Chairman of local businesses. Nothing came out of the deal, but it was quite good to get involved in it. Then there has been social innovation and start-ups, an area I became interested in. I joined many events in Yangon, and thought long and hard about possible projects, and I also actively looked for jobs by setting up meetings with Phandeeyar, Building Markets, One Acre Fund, Proximity Design, Jobdoh, etc. All were promising at first but nothing came out of them. I guess the fact that it didn’t work out with them is a blessing in disguise, as I came to the realisation of how I really should work on my own projects/business. 

And that’s where the change comes. To start off with, this year has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, mainly caused by myself. The fact that I have always wanted to work in development has made my first 2 months here very blissful and exciting. I really was trying to act the opposite from a typical ‘foreigner’. I wore longyis, respected local colleagues and my circle was pretty much revolving around HelpAge. Although HelpAge is not ActionAid or Oxfam, all the initial work seemed exciting to me. But later, somehow, I start to really resent the organisation structure, the working culture, the people and development in general. I don’t know if it is because HelpAge is a not a good learning organisation, but I guess I have really been disappointed with my ‘supposed passion’ for development work. Sure I know how bizarre it could be, but being in it is another thing. Even till now, I seem to not care anymore that I have spent a lot of budget on hotel and airfares, whereas this would have been something I could be very sensitive. Then I went to many events outside of work - including social innovation, business, entrepreneurship. This is also how, slowly by slowly, I start to compare myself with a lot of people. I would always look at other’s LinkedIn profiles, and lament how so-and-so could be working at a managerial level at such a young age, or how I should be an entrepreneur. It seems like I was obsessed with the title and the glory that come along with these, but not knowing much about the background of these people or what their jobs entail. For a very long time, I would wake up everyday with the first thought in my head - what am I doing? What are my passion and purpose? Little by little, the passion that has guided me seem to slip away, and even the values I held onto so dearly seem to change. I do not know if this is a good thing, as change is sometimes necessary, but it does frustrate me. It seems like I was always looking for something to start, yet the overthinking does not lead to anything concrete. I still battle with this intense feeling of insecurity that I try to shake off. Towards the second half of the year, knowing that many opportunities I tried to pursue did not work, I wanted to see if I could start my own business. Who would have thought that I would become interested in business? I always brainstormed idea with Snow, from artisan, to on-demand cleaning service, to education platforms. Also, via my other work, and also from joining UNLEASH, I got interested in technology too. Somehow, Ayo set up a stage for me: for-profit education consultancy business, and an edu-tech platform. Who would have thought so? From development to social enterprise to traditional business/startups, in the mere span of one year. Yes, it is good exposure, but I also know how scattered my mind is. Towards the end of the year, I felt quite stressed with different targets, and being all over the place - both body and mind. So I think, if I ask myself about the main thing for the next 3 years, it would be focus and commitment. To focus not only on 1-2 projects, but to say no to events and people that do not matter much. As for commitment - it is about enduring the discomfort, and to not give up, and to go for the long haul. This goes for relationships as well.

As for my internal values, I know they somehow changed, but fundamentally I hope they will not change. I still think my biggest gift and value to the world is encouraging the vulnerable - whether they are emotionally vulnerable or just at a difficult point in life. Can I do this through business? Can traditional business help to pull in more resources? I really think that it’s not effective being an NGO staff anymore! 

Some harsh realisation

- I can’t finish projects - they have all been one year at the most. I think it is about not being able to deal with discomfort and face adversity. It could also be boredom. No matter what, need to focus more. 

- Deep insecurity - this has manifested recently with my dating life. I started dating a young, 23-year old who has very shiny extrinsic qualities and is actually a good person. But the process has manifested my insecurity, realising myself how much I need to let go of certain expectations especially during the beginning, and just observe. 

-FOMO - I have been running around the whole year, meeting people and going to different events. I haven’t really rested. Yet when I have time, I waste a lot of time. There’s a lot of time in a day, need to know which ones are wasting my time? Shouldn’t go to events for the sake of FOMO. 

- Deep anxiety - about my future, whether I would succeed? Whether I would ever find love? Whether I would even be married? Where would I be? 

- I overthink like mad - this can be seriously crippling and self-paralysing. 

But despite all these, I have been incredibly grateful for the following: 

- Involvement with interesting projects - e.g. government policy, GPY, mobile money, Octopus, UNLEASH

- Changing to business field gradually - allowing more exposure and knowledge, and possibly deeper impact. Most importantly, learning new skills and building networks that would open new doors. 

- Relationships - genuine friendship with Snow is one of the biggest blessings of 2017, as well as meeting people like Myo Thaw. They show me the Myanmar that many foreigners wouldn’t have known. I also got to date David Aung, who has broken my ‘dry spell’ and given me the experience of dating here. My old relationships are also worth mentioning - Alice visiting Myanmar, and also Ayo, Jimmy, Shormi, Ada, Charlotte, Melanie. They all are here when I need them. Mostly it has to be Snow though, who has shown me the deepest kindness. I will not forget her wiping off my tears last night while I was in her bed, as I told her about my insecurity and struggles.

- Family - V is getting married, and they really have shown me, unconditional love. At times I am not reciprocating as much as I should be, but deep down I reflect on how grateful I am.

- Really getting to know more about Burmese society 

- Knowing the importance of accepting myself and to keep going

For 2018 

- Take better care of myself - eat better, exercise more, sleep earlier - literally! I may have insecurity issues that cannot be fixed immediately, but these actions could help me. 

- Self-compassion and mindfulness - really taking care of my thoughts and noticing the thought patterns. To pat me on the back every night reminding myself that all is ok, to accept myself, and to carry on despite setbacks. 

- Discipline - to not join so many events or gatherings, especially those that use a lot of time and even traveling. 2017 has been about exposure, so I went to China for a transportation conference and even Denmark for UNLEASH. No regrets but 2018 should be reserved for more ground work and focus at 1-2 things. 

- 1-2 things at a time - I tortured myself a lot in 2017 on multiple priorities - e.g. needing to find a long-term partner, start a business and find more time for family and other things AT THE SAME TIME. It is not realistic and puts a real strain on myself. If I want to concentrate more on work these 2 years, then let it be. I shouldn’t pressure myself to find a partner and expect to become fully adult within a deadline. 

- Just do it - 2017 has been a lot of procrastinating, thinking about what I want to do and worrying about my skillsets. Truth is, one just have to do. I need to accept that at the moment, there is not one thing I really want to do, but it doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t start pursuing what’s in front of me. Do what’s in front of you, don’t wait for a passion to magically arrive. 

- Live your life - in terms of dating, I have always been insecure. Dating reminds me to be at peace with oneself - to communicate your vulnerabilities despite how uncool it may be. The true ones will stay, and others will leave but it doesn’t actually matter. It also reminds me that we cannot control a lot of things, but only the way we live our lives - to have standards. On a more practical note, it is better to allow both sides to build emotional intimacy before physical intimacy. I learnt the hard way. 

- Owning oneself - 29 is not scary, I am me. Even when I am 33, I could still embrace my unique experience and believe that I am one in a million.

-Acceptance - just accept the lonely, awkward, inadequate feelings. That’s actually ok. 

- The inevitability of failure - it is safer to assume that things are bound to fail, but we should do it anyway. Most importantly though, it is about just trying it - no regrets despite failures. Also one of my mottos of life.

- Be determined to change - Have the belief that it is possible to be positive, to succeed, to be able to do things. And to know that it is possible to minimise the anxiety, overthinking and insecurity. Believe that the best is yet to come, and I am constantly improving in a zigzag manner.

- Just be a better person - this goes for anytime, any field. 

But this is me, I always have to learn the hard way. I always value experience so much that it hurts. But happiness is not about magically waking up tomorrow and feeling great, it is about getting through despite the issues and challenges. It is about not waiting to be perfect, but to just get on with it first.

That’s it... Give Myanmar 2 years and see.