#i struggle to see josh as anything other than aries

[liminalweirdo]

very silly question for all my Super Dark Times friends, but do you think Zach is more Pisces or Cancer (or other)

[taetaespeaches]

“And all those fools out there saying romance is dead.”

taehyung x reader (or oc) genre: smut; fluff word count: 2.3K

a/n: Hi, lovelies! A while ago, y’all were wondering what Tae and Peaches were up to in the other shower when Min and Kid got caught fucking in the shower by Jungkook in “Keep it cute, Min. I’m not fucking you in the dorm shower.” And well, now you know... As always, I hope you all enjoy and thank you for reading :))

p.s. that moment from Tae’s vlive where he’s vibing to ‘BOP’ by DaBaby helped to inspire this. 

AS much as you wanted to laze around all day with your boyfriend, you really couldn’t call out of work again, no matter how adorable and convincing Taehyung’s whining was.

“I don’t understand why you can’t at least shower here,” your boyfriend called out over his shower playlist and the running water behind the glass. Giggling at his baby boy tone, you spit your toothpaste out into the sink.

“I don’t have clean clothes here,” you reminded him before rinsing your mouth out.

“So?” He was hardly even doing anything to convince you to stay and it was still almost working.

“So, I have to go to my place anyway, I might as well go now and just shower there,” you told him.

The song ended, the one second of time before the next song started allowing you to hear the man mumble, “no fair.” You could practically see the pout situated on his cute face.

Just as you turned to leave the bathroom to get dressed, ‘BOP’ by DaBaby started playing, the shower door immediately busting opened, your eyes finding Taehyung’s reflection as he stepped out bare ass naked and completely drenched, his long dark hair dripping all over the tiled floor. “Whooh!” He yelled, doing a little vibey dance move to the song, you immediately bursting into cackles.

Completely forgetting about your need to get to your place, you watched him in amusement as he got into the song, doing little arm movements as he grooved. When he raised his hand up, mouthing the lyrics, “what’s your name?” your eyebrows lifted, giving him an impressed look. Fuck, he’s hot.

Biting your lip, you watched as he came closer to you. “What are you doing?” You asked in a whisper, fully aware he had something up his nonexistent sleeve, you know, standing there in the bath room stark naked.

The man shook his head, feigning innocence as he continued to mouth random lyrics from the song. Pointing down at his dick, he smiled and mouthed the words of the song, “it ain’t free,” you scoffing.

Standing in front of you, he smirked. “I just thought, if you’re already wet,” he shrugged.  

“What kind of wet?” You teased, a chuckle slipping from his lips as he quirked his eyebrow quickly. “Taehyung, don’t you dare,” you warned, though a smile was forming on your lips. Before you could make a move, the man wrapped his arms around your body, pulling you against his drenched skin. Letting out a scream that melted into an amused laugh, you struggled against him as Taehyung pressed kisses all over face. “Tae,” you whined loudly through your laughter.

“My bitch got good pussy, fly her ‘cross the country,” he jokingly whispered along with the song next to your ear, you trying to shove against his chest as you giggled.

“Wow, and all those fools out there saying romance is dead,” you joshed, Taehyung giggling as he began dragging you to the shower.

“You’re coming with me,” he told you with a cute little laugh, you squealing in feigned protest. With his shirt still on your body, along with your underwear and sleep shorts, he hauled you into the shower and submerged you in the water.

“Taehyung no,” you whined, dragging out the words, your boyfriend smiling widely, highly amused.

“Ah, so wet,” he shook his head. “Better take this off,” he teased, pulling the wet t-shirt from your body as you rolled your eyes at him. He dropped the shirt in a water-weighted plop on the shower floor as you bent over to pull your underwear and shorts down your legs, kicking them next to the shirt.

“Happy now?” You asked, Taehyung instantly nodding. ‘Wifeable’ by Masego featuring Xavier Omar started playing, Taehyung doing a little shoulder dance to the beat. “I’m stealing a button down and some slacks,” you told him, Taehyung giggling.

“Fine by me,” he grinned, leaning in to catch your lips in a kiss. Despite your resistance to showering with him, you were the one to deepen the action, immediately curling your fingers into the wet hair at the back of his head as you pressed your body to his. Breaking away from the kiss, his hands settled on your waist as he shot you a teasing look. “Are you trying to have your way with me, Peaches?”

“Yeah, I am,” you giggled.

“What if I just wanted to sing with my baby in the shower?” He asked in pretend innocence. “That girl right there wifeable, she gon’ be my girlfriend,” he sang along to the song to emphasize his teasing.  

“Oh, was that your intention of getting me in here with you?” You played along, Taehyung chuckling as he kissed your lips softly.

“Maybe it was,” he suggested with a smirk.

Humming in thought you nodded. “Have your intentions changed?”

“Definitely,” he grinned before kissing you passionately, you moaning into the action.

However, when the song ended and Ariana Grande’s ‘Greedy’ kicked in, you pulled away with a gasp, Taehyung watching you in wide-eyed amusement as you sang the “ow” with Ari. As you started singing and dancing, moving your hips along with the song, Taehyung chewed on his bottom lip.

“I thought we weren’t singing in the shower,” he spoke up, nodding at your performance. “Not that I don’t love this.”

“That was before I knew you had this whole ass bop on this playlist,” you smiled before returning to singing.

“Get over here,” he practically growled at you, grabbing your slick waist making you squeal and giggle as Tae kissed your chest eagerly. Soothing his tongue over your peaked nipples, you bit your lip as you watched him. When he glanced up at you, meeting your darkened gaze, he smirked, trailing kisses up to your collarbones, placing seemingly innocent pecks all the way to your neck.

His mouth opened on the spot below your jaw, you licking your lips before letting out a heavy breath. “No marks,” you warned, Taehyung groaning but obeying as he trailed his lips up to your jaw before kissing your lips passionately. As you kissed him back just as fervently, Tae slid his hand down over your hip, dragging it across your thigh until his fingers found your center.

He circled your clit just a few times before slipping a digit inside, you letting out a quiet moan against his mouth, Tae smirking. Rolling his hips against you, you felt his hardened length grind against the side of your thigh, the moan that left your lips a little louder than the first.

As he chuckled at your anticipation, you smirked, reaching down to take him in your hand. Your boyfriend’s body jolted slightly at your touch, you giggling into the kiss.

“Sensitive this morning?” You teased, the man letting out a mixture of scoff and a low chuckle as he rested his forehead against your own.

“Just your effect on me, Peaches,” he smoothly responded, you grinning with an approving nod. Removing his finger from you, he thrusted into your fist just as he kissed you again. Placing his hand over top yours, you both guided him inside, you gasping at the stretch, Tae’s teeth lightly clamping over your bottom lip, tugging. He intertwined his fingers with your own as his opposite hand tightly gripped your hip.

Releasing your lip, he left a soft kiss to it before pulling back just enough to shoot you a smirk. “Feel good, baby?” He asked, you grinning as he slowly moved out, pushing his hips back into you just as slow.

“Fuck,” you whined while nodding, pushing your hips toward the man. “Faster.”

“Faster?” He asked, shooting you a teasing smirk. As he teased you, he reached for your leg, lifting it up as you bent your knee, Taehyung pushing the top of your thigh to your chest to allow himself more access to you. His hand firmly held your leg just under the bend of your knee. “You sure, Peaches?” He asked, his tone low and shooting straight to your core.

“Tae, just fuck me,” you complained, the man giggling as he snapped his hips hard, you letting out a moan at the action.

“Like that?” He asked, quirking his eyebrow quickly. Laughing at your boyfriend, you reached for the back of his head, pulling him to you so you could kiss him. His smirk melted into the meeting of your mouths, Taehyung swallowing your moans as he worked into you. Desperately, you clung to his shoulders as the water streamed down your bodies, your other hand squeezing his own.

Trailing kisses along your face, he lightly nibbled on your ear lobe before leaving a sweet kiss to the spot. “I love when you hold my hand like this,” he told you as you hooked your leg around his thigh, Taehyung pushing you against the shower wall, his hand sliding up your leg to hold your ass.

The soft indentation of his fingertips against your flesh had you groaning into his neck just as the song ended, an unexpected tune taking its place, you cackling loudly as Tae chuckled boyishly at the cheerful brass intro.

“No way,” you breathed out, Taehyung lowly singing along to Bing Crosby’s ‘Swinging On A Star’ near your ear.

“Or would you rather be a mule?” He sang along, you resting your head back against the wall both in laughter and pleasure as he continued the sinful movement of his hips.

“This is ridiculous,” you breathed out, Taehyung laughing in utter amusement as he rested his forehead against yours.

“Or would you like to swing on a star, carry moonbeams home in a jar, and be better off than you are, or would you rather be a pig,” he continued to sing, his lips brushing over yours, you lightly slapping his bicep in response as you smiled widely.

In an attempt to shut him up, you clenched around him, Taehyung cutting off his singing as he clamped his teeth down gently on your bottom lip, groaning in pleasure. “Fuck,” he breathed out, you kissing the side of his mouth softly as he increased the pace and intensity of his hips.

“God, you feel so good,” you whined, Taehyung squeezing your hand as he lifted it up and held it against the wall.

Letting out a shaky breath against the side of your face, he smiled, you wrapping your arm further around the back of his neck to hold him close, your fingers digging into the wet strands at his nape.

“Is it me or the song that’s making you feel so good, Peaches?” He humorously asked, you bursting into laughter as you dropped your face to his chest, Taehyung snickering with you, kissing the top of your head.

“Now that you mention it,” you teased, Taehyung thrusting into you harder as he chuckled. As the song slowly faded out, Rihanna’s ‘Bitch Better Have My Money’ started playing, you giggling as you looked up at your boyfriend, meeting his amused gaze. “Jesus, I’m gonna get whiplash.”

“Bitch better have my money,” Taehyung started singing before you grabbed the next line, through your voice was rather unstable and breathy.

“Y’all should know me well enough,” you sang, Taehyung smiling as you continued singing back and forth.

“Bitch better have my money.”

“Please don’t call me on my bluff.”

“Pay me what you owe me,” he sang with a little shoulder shimmy dance move.

“Ballin’ bigger than LeBron,” you pretended to shoot a basketball, Tae smiling widely at the action before quickly recovering for his next line.

“Bitch, give me your money,” he sang his eyebrows pulled together with some sass.

“Who y’all think y’all frontin’ on?”

“Like bra, bra, bra,” you sang together before falling into giggles, Taehyung dropping his face to your shoulder, lightly biting the skin with a groan. You could tell Tae was nearing the finish line as his thrusts became harsher and less controlled.

“Is it bad that I’m close?” He asked lowly, his voice thick, you smiling as you shook your head.

“No, me too,” you told him, kissing the side of his head. “Can you just help me out a bit?” You asked, pushing your hips forward to let him know you needed some extra stimulation. His hand let go of your own in an instant, reaching between your bodies to work your clit with his thumb, you moaning at the sensation. “Fuck, so close.”

Your words in combination with the way you gripped him had him approaching his high fast, quickly pulling out and finishing on your thigh. Your orgasm hit right after his, his fingers working you through it as he kissed you roughly, swallowing all of your sounds as they mixed with his.

Breathless and fucked out, he pulled away to look at you with hooded eyes, meeting your own. “You’re gonna be late for work,” he flashed you a guilty boxy grin, you rolling your eyes.

“They just expect it of me at this point,” you chuckled. “When I get fired you have to support me,” you added, Taehyung chuckling with a cute nod of agreement.  

“You know I will,” he smiled.

“Do you think the boys heard?” You asked, Tae’s beam widening before he dropped his face to the crook of your neck, giggling against the skin.

“Get ready for the teasing,” he prepared you before leaving a series of soft kisses to the bottom of your neck where it curved into your shoulder, you groaning. “Was it worth it, Peaches?”

“Always,” you smiled, kissing the edge of his ear before you reached for the shampoo bottle to the side of you, preparing to wash his soft locks.

As you went forth with your shower, actually just singing with each other as you washed one another’s bodies as you giggled loudly without a care in the world, the last thing on your mind was work or the other boys. All you cared about was Taehyung in that moment, and the pure happiness radiating from the both of you.

[aquaevans]

A Single String || Self Para

Who: Sam Evans, mentions of his friends and Mike Chang

Where: Eurus #201

When: April 28, 2019

General Notes: Mentions of past eating disorder, death and the grieving process.

”Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” – Vicki Harrison

There was something to be said for the grieving process. Everyone mourned in their own way. It was a journey that couldn’t be neatly wrapped up in a package and tied up with a bow. You could either rise above the pain and move forward or let it fester and keep you in a deep state that you couldn’t pull yourself out of. But it wasn’t always as clear cut. Sometimes you didn’t know you weren’t actually moving on until someone said so.

It wasn’t until Josh, Tara, and Erin were over one evening for a movie night that Tara herself brought it up. She had gone to use the restroom and come back, tentative, but speaking to Sam privately.

“I went in the wrong direction and…that room with the sign. I thought you didn’t have a roommate?” She had asked.

Sam blinked, having forgotten for a moment about that room, having avoided it for as long as possible. “I don’t. Um…back before I moved out of here previously, I did. Mike Chang.”

“The one who died in October?” She asked softly. He didn’t say anything, just nodded.

“Though truthfully…he had moved out of here just before…” He cleared his throat. “So technically because of that, when I finally came back here, he already left. So everything was empty when I came back.”

Tara nodded, looking back towards the hallway before looking at him. “You know, grief is a funny thing. You don’t realize you’re still holding onto someone who was already gone sometimes.”

Sam looked at her curiously. “What do you mean?”

“It’s been six months.” She gently reminded him. “You’ve already been through a different process of struggling. Don’t let the loss of your friend put you in that space again.”

He hadn’t even thought about it like that. Sam just didn’t want another roommate. He didn’t want someone taking Mike’s place. But was she right? Was he actually holding onto a ghost of someone who was no longer there?

Grief can wrap you up without you realizing it. It can take hold and fester, being silent until something or someone triggered you into seeing it was still there.

This had been a week ago when the conversation was held. Now, today, he was noticing for the first time what he was still doing without thinking of it. He would take out two plates when he ate, leaving one on the counter until he was doing dishes. There would be a bit more coffee in the pot than he actually needed, even though he knew Mike had preferred tea.

There was always a box of macaroni and cheese in the pantry, even though he didn’t eat it as often. He ate better now, he no longer skipped meals, but it was something he just kept in there for no reason. At least he thought there was no reason.

This particular morning, he woke up and glanced at the calendar. The notification on Facebook likely wouldn’t come, the page now a memorial for someone who had fallen. That was how he knew last year. But this year, he just remembered from having been thinking about it more, being present in his thoughts.

So when he woke up, he started off with tea and Mike’s favorite breakfast. But this time he only pulled out one plate. When he went out for a run, he listened to music he often heard beforehand. He exercised for a bit at Undique, doing some yoga stretches and silently pretending someone was with him.

He had the day off from work and the center didn’t need him today. So he went back to his dorm, looking around for a bit. It could use some cleaning. There was nothing left of Mike here, there hadn’t been when he came back. But he could still see places that held memories of items that had been there. A yoga mat, bed for Mei, furniture that was his.

It was, as Sam realized, his actual dorm now. The tiny dorm he stayed at before was bare, filled with nothing but a bed, a nightstand, a closet, desk for schoolwork. It had been a place of punishment and when he came back, he didn’t have a chance to fill it up before Mike’s death.

When Mike died, he didn’t bother buying too many things. He kept his own bedroom full of things that held his personality. A terranium from a friend, beads that hung low on the door frame, sparkling in the light when the sun shone though, and a space for Ari even though he preferred the upper edge of Sam’s pillow when he wasn’t in the grimoire.

The living room was simple, but nothing that indicated his own personality. The other room, empty, save for a white sign that closed it off from anyone who dared enter.

He activated his magic circle and moved his hand in a circle over the bucket at his feet. Soapy water, flow through the room, clean this space. He watched the water circle around, dipping up and down, never touching the carpet, but always cleaning, making the room sparkle and shine.

The dust that had settled on top of the television was whisked away, leaving behind nothing but sparkling glass. When the water slid over photographs that Sam had, he looked at one, of him and Mike at that masquerade ball. How long ago had it been?

The cleaning continued in the kitchen, pots and pans, the stove, microwave all free of cooking grease. Once he finished those two rooms, he decided to eat something. Opening the pantry, he looked at the macaroni and cheese. How long had that been in there? He remembered Erin had gone to get some then put it back, grimacing. When he looked at the date, he winced and tossed it.

And when he did that, he realized he didn’t actually want to eat any of it. It was there because he was holding on. It was a moment of realization that left him breathless and he leaned against the stovetop for a moment.

He looked down the hallway, knowing what he had to do next. At his feet, Ari seemed to sense what he was about to do and gently nudged his leg in comfort. A meow and gentle pawing at his leg had Sam bending low to scratch his head.

Sam took slow, sure steps to the hallway. To the right, his room. To the left, the other room. He stood in front of the room and stared at the sign. The sign that closed his room off to no one. There was no need to close it off anymore. He knew Mike had still thought him to be able to get better. Was he really doing that if he didn’t let go?

Taking the sign off of the door was a slow process, his fingers coming to rest just inches away before he finally removed it. He looked down at the words before crumbling the note in his hands. He opened the door, allowing himself to look over the empty room. All that was left was a bed and a desk, nothing that said anyone used to be here. That there didn’t used to be a life here that lived, that breathed.

The dust that caked the items in the room left Sam’s nose itchy and he began to utter his cleaning spell. But then he stopped himself. No. He had to do this himself.

The process of grieving was one you needed to do in the only way that you knew how. To help you move on and forward. He needed to use his own hands for this part.

He cleaned the desk, the mattress, window screen, and vacuumed the room. It was a process six months in the making. Doing this didn’t mean he was erasing Mike. He was just simply removing the last string dangling in front of him, eclipsing him from seeing the grief he had been holding onto.

He still didn’t know if he wanted a roommate. If that would be an option, but now he could at least make the dorm his. His friend would not have wanted him to hold on and allow the past to dictate his future.

Now that he was finished with this, he went into his own room and got on his computer. Moving to his Facebook account, he clicked on the memorial page and wrote a simple sentence. “Happy Birthday Mike. You’re still missed dearly.”

Goodbye my friend.

[closetofanxiety]

Slammiversary thoughts

“What’s Dresser of Unease doing in the Impact Zone??” (h/t @thedeathofscottywazz)

I have never ordered an Impact PPV before, and I did so this weekend based entirely on my desire to see the Su Yung match, my desire to see EYFBO on a big(ger) stage, and my curiosity about Tommy Dreamer and Eddie Edwards. That was enough to fork over $40.

I’m not really in the mood these days to do lengthy reviews or ratings, but here are some quick thoughts on what I liked:

Initial thoughts: I don’t know how many people the Rebel Center in Toronto holds, but the place looked full and the crowd was hot. Insanely hot. Multiple chants of “Impact Wrestling” hot. Toronto must be a hell of a wrestling town. Also, good production values and entrance packages, considering they’re working with like 1/100th of WWE’s budget. Josh Matthews is vastly more tolerable on commentary when he doesn’t have to do a shitty heel gimmick. Don Callis is also good when playing it straight and not chewing the scenery as he did in his ECW days.

Fatal Four Way: Fenix vs. Petey Williams vs. Bone Soldier vs. Johnny Impact

This was a good way to start the show. It was the definition of a spotfest, with no real story going into it (Petey Williams was a last minute substitution for a concussed Rich Swann). All these guys are good, even Bone Soldier, who is sort of the Brian Adams of the Bullet Club. Or maybe the Michael Wallstreet. I don’t know. Either way, lots of acrobatic stuff here, the crowd liked it, it ended just as it was on the verge of overstaying its welcome. This is Not My Thing, but it made sense as an opener.

 Tessa Blanchard vs. Allie

This was really good! Possibly the best Tessa match I’ve ever seen, and certainly the best Allie match. Really crisp, well-executed stuff here. One thing I liked is that Allie, whose character has gone through all kinds of hell and has supposedly emerged a changed woman, actually wrestled differently than she had before, with more focus and seriousness. That’s good storytelling. Tessa is really growing as an arrogant, entitled heel.

Tommy Dreamer vs. Eddie Edwards

A fun, violent brawl. Eddie Edwards has sort of struggled to define himself as a character, but he’s pretty good as an enraged New England townie who can’t quite articulate the source of his rage, so he lashes out at the people who are trying to help him. Maybe the highlight of this was Dreamer grabbing a replica ECW heavyweight title belt from a fan and waffling a bleeding Edwards with it. First blood of a crimson night!

Matt Sydal vs. Brian Cage

This is the only match that really didn’t do it for me. Cage has a time limit beyond which he is visibly tired, and this match exceeded that limit. A lot of it seemed like guys practicing spots on each other. It lacked the convincing meanness of the previous two matches. It also ended with Sydal possibly botching a shooting star press on purpose to set up the finish, but it looked hairy. I don’t want to see anyone get crippled on a wrestling show.

Su Yung vs. Madison Rayne

They have finally given Su Yung an entrance befitting her: carried to the ring in a coffin by the Undead Bridesmaids. Su is one of the very best characters in wrestling today, and I’ll happily watch anything she does. This was not a spectacular match; Rayne is just out of place in the New Impact. Her work stood out as being a step or two behind everyone else. The drama of a Su Yung match is seeing how much inhuman punishment she can take and still come back to horrify her opponent with her resilience, and Rayne is just not the kind of wrestler who can dish out offense on that level. She did, however, magnificently sell the Purge, passing out like a victim in a horror movie and then getting shoved in the casket. 

LAX (Santana and Ortiz) w/Konnan vs. The OGz (Homicide and Hernandez) w/Eddie Kingston

This was tremendous fun. Santana and Ortiz are young, athletic dudes capable of mixing it up with a nasty edge, while Homicide and Hernandez are insane middle-aged men with absolutely no regard for their personal well-being. A lot of great “holy shit” moments in this second hardcore match of the night, including Homicide, 41 years old, flying through the ropes and putting Santana through a table outside the ring. It ended with Santana throwing a goddamn fistful of thumbtacks in Homicide’s face, slamming him onto other thumbtacks, and hitting the top rope frog splash, again with the thumbtacks. After the match Kingston finally got involved, and there was a beatdown of the victorious youngsters and their decrepit manager.

Sami Callihan vs. Pentagon Jr.

I guess he’s Pentagon Jr. again? Is it weird that I now think Penta El 0M is a better name? Anyway, these two have a long-running feud across indies in North America, so my hopes were high, especially as this was a LUCHA DE APUESTA. There was zero chance Pentagon was losing his mask, but that sort of didn’t matter, as this was an insanely violent collision between two guys who, when they want to, are among the best brawlers in pro wrestling. Lots of blood in this one; at one point, Pentagon was using a baseball bat to hammer a steel spike against Sami’s skull. This was one of the rare “two wrestlers hit each other with steel chairs” spots where it looked as it would if two people having a legitimate fight were hitting each other with chairs. This had a power blinding. This had a referee getting his arm broken. This had run-ins. This had a crying, drooling Ohio psychopath being shaved bald by two masked men from Mexico. This was a trip to Memphis, baby. I loved it.

Moose vs. Austin Aries

I was really skeptical about this as the main event after the funhouse carnage of the Callihan-Pentagon match. But this really delivered. Far and a way the best Moose match I’ve ever seen, Austin Aries deserves a huge amount of credit for making his opponent look like a world-beater, while getting genuine boos from the crowd for being an arrogant veteran dickhead. There were a couple of great moments in this, like when Aries stuffed Moose’s spear and immediately rolled into the Last Chancery, and Moose hurling Aries off the ramp into the crowd. Great stuff from both guys. A title match that felt like a title match. There’s a non-zero chance I will go to the Impact Shop Zone or whatever the hell it’s called and buy a baseball cap.

[justinmoviereviews]

The Class of 2019

As always, just trying to catalog what I saw this year. Let’s do this shit.

1917 - Sam Mendes

I’ve never seen a war movie like this. I’ve never seen something that was so empty, so decayed and lifeless. Usually these things are about honor or brotherhood or whatever. This one was a horror movie. Gothic. Disturbing. And credit Dunkirk for helping everyone else realize that war movies should be told in the present tense.

Uncut Gems - Bennie and Josh Safdie

Good Time was better because it’s rawness was more painful. Because it’s kineticism was more sociological. Because it physically hurt to watch it. And because Robert Pattinson is a better actor than Adam Sandler (my sincere apologies). But these guys have figured out to a science how to film desperation and visceral consumption and need; they chronicle the ugliest parts of the mind and shoot them in the ugliest parts of New York. 

Little Women - Greta Gerwig

Oh no, I’ve lost interest in writing these. Greta Gerwig is sharper than the average writer, and is going to get a lot of mileage writing interesting female characters, which will keep me occupied way longer than, for instance, JJ Abrams writing Strong Female characters so he gets to keep his third house. But look for this refrain whenever I see good movies that aren’t really made for me, my favorite character here was Timothee Chalamet, popping up sporadically to mack (suavely!) on all three sisters.

Bombshell - Jay Roach

Structurally it’s a little bit of a mess, but Megyn Kelly playing detective to an internal corporate scandal works surprisingly well.

The Two Popes - Fernando Meirelles

Some nitpicks: this movie engages with the child abuse a little bit, but it doesn’t offer any resolution--how could it? The scandal is ongoing, and has mired the legacy of Francis, the good Pope, just like it mired his predecessor’s, the bad one. And some of the dialogue is a little trite; was Benedict this much of a close-minded conservative? Was he really this bad at selling his own vision of the church? I also wonder if movies seem smaller now that we’re watching them all on our TVs. But mostly I thought this was fantastic. I love movies about ideas centered around conversation, and this one does it with so much humanism. The Pope as a role is one of the most complex, elite and fascinating people on the planet. This movie comes so much closer to showing that than I thought it would.

Marriage Story - Noah Baumbach

A cursory search of images from this movie for this post makes me realize how well it’s shot--maybe this really was meant to be his Scenes From a Marriage. It isn’t--he’s not a good enough director to ever be Bergman, he’s too burdened by the things he likes and thinks about, like hipster references and witty repartee--but this is the best movie of his I’ve ever seen. Funny, sharp, and if it isn’t a universal depiction of the disillusion of love, it’s empathetic and compassionate about two characters he likes and cares about. Adam Driver is the best actor working right now. Scarlett Johansson can’t quite keep up, but who could?

Ford v Ferrari - James Mangold

Fast cars and the manly men who build them. This could have been better--the writing is a little too beholden to a generic structure that’s beneath the A+ power of Matt Damon and Christian Bale, who are, straight up, two of our finest actors. Ideally this flick just lets these two dudes dick around for 150 minutes. But fuck man, this shit rocks.

The irishman - Martin Scorsese

This is the calm gangster movie made by a bunch of men who haven’t had to hustle in 30 years. Scorsese is a smart guy, so he probably knows that a de-aged Robert De Niro isn’t going to be as resonant as some young hotshot trying like hell to make a name for himself. It makes the movie weirdly low-stakes, and it only truly comes alive at the end, when De Niro is looking back on his life and facing his regrets, like a man in his 80s ought to be. But look, Scorsese is one of the best to ever do it, and gangster movies are where he lives. If this is mostly a retrospective on four of the best careers to ever track through Hollywood, and I sort of think it is, it’s still got ten scenes that will stand up against any of our man’s best.

The Laundromat - Steven Soderbergh

Steven Soderbergh does The Big Short. Turns out he’s also pretty good at it.

The Lighthouse - Robert Eggers

Robert Eggers is a formalist who understands that movies can be about whatever they want as long as they look good and sound good. This is a movie about, I think, madness. Just madness, just the idea of being isolated and going mad. If you’re wondering, like I was, if that’s enough of a theme to hang a whole movie on (I mean, these things are expensive), well, I think the point of this one is that it’s weird as fuck, it looks real good and it sounds real good. 

Parasite - Bong Joon Ho

This movie is at it’s best when it’s at it’s weirdest. I like Bong most when he’s using a heightened absurdity to point out the ways in which our political systems are unforgivable. 

Motherless Brooklyn - Edward Norton

I know it was in the book, but the Tourette’s syndrome of the main character seems to me like a postmodern tic, like making a straight noir in 2019 wasn’t enough for a studio that assumed audiences would need some kind of a 21st Century bent. I don’t think it adds much to the story, so I want it out there that this is just such a good fucking straight noir. I would personally finance it if they made like three of these a year. 

High Flying Bird - Steven Soderbergh

Soderbergh is gonna need to get over his love affair with the iPhone camera--someone needs to remind him that movies can look a lot better than this--but this is the kind of movie that could have been and maybe started as a play. Things happen off camera and all you see is characters talking about them after the fact. But the writing is phenomenal. Snappy and smart. Maybe my favorite script of the year.

Joker - Todd Phillips

Upon further review, I think this movie never should have been made, but I do like it. I’m not a purist, frankly I think comic book movies are for nerds, but what makes the Joker powerful is that he doesn’t have a backstory. This movie isn’t good enough to justify giving him one, but it’s so ambiguous and strange that it doesn’t ruin anything either. I spent a lot of time wondering if the events of the movie actually happened, or if they were all in the protagonist’s head. I guess the answer is that it doesn’t really matter: if it all did happen it would destroy the throughline of the Nolan movies, and if it all didn’t it would make the movie kind of lame. Ultimately it’s a story about a discarded man who learns that evil gives him a control he never had before. That’s a heavy topic to make a movie about, and a better movie would have been heavier. But  it’s still an interesting watch, and Joaquin Phoenix goes to the places the movie itself won’t.

Ad Astra - James Gray

I have nothing against pretentious movies. Some of my best friends are pretentious movies! But if you’re going to be as solemn and portentous as this one is, I think your thesis needs to be a little more insightful than that love is important. This movie looks fantastic. It’s got killer monkeys in it, and an Apocalypse Now meets 2001 pedigree. It should have been a lot better.

It Chapter Two - Andy Muschietti

Ugh, this one was not good. The writing is pretty bad, storylines open up and fizzle out without going anywhere, the structure is simple to the point of being lazy. The first one was so good, and this is just a crappy cash-in. Oh well. 

Once Upon a Time...in Hollywood - Quentin Tarantino

Look, Tarantino is probably my favorite director. Pulp Fiction is the movie that first taught me to love movies, and he’s never in his life made an artistic choice that I didn’t intuitively understand. I don’t think anyone else has justified their otherworldly self-confidence more than he has. If other directors are more artistically or technically accomplished, I’d struggle to find anyone who better put the thoughts and images in their brain onto celluloid better than him. If this had been made by some new hotshot named Chris Anderson or something, I’m buying a poster of it and telling everyone who will listen about the breakout auteur of the decade. But for the first time in my entire life, I wondered what Tarantino’s point was. Why did he make this movie? The highlight, for me, is Leonardo DiCaprio, who since Django Unchained has apparently realized that he’s at his best when he’s hamming it up and having a blast.

Midsommar - Ari Aster

Two movies in, Ari Aster has mastered tone. My man is in control of his movie from frame one, and the result is that his stuff feels smart. This one wasn’t as wild or unexpected as Hereditary--in fact the most surprising thing about it is that it really isn’t surprising at all; it’s about a sinister cult in northern Sweden, and it hits all the beats that tagline would suggest. But that’s not the same as saying it’s predictable--he still has a gift for ultraviolence, and he hovers in a space that forces you to prepare yourself for anything. My only complaint is that I wish it had been more of a mindfuck. It’s ultimately a simpler movie than you might hope for. But this guy isn’t going anywhere. He’ll be on the prestige list for as long as he wants.

The Perfection - Richard Shepard

If Allison Williams is going to make a career out of deconstructing overachieving white girls, I don’t want it to get lost that she is also insanely hot. Like, just so hot. Anyway, this is one hell of a grindhouse flick, all the way down to being a little less pleasant than you’d expect or even really want. Watch it on a Saturday afternoon and feel a little queasy afterwards.

Avengers: Endgame - Anthony and Joe Russo 

Look, I don’t know what to say to you if you take these movies seriously. You probably wouldn’t like my blog anyway. I thought this was a really good ride. If you have problems with the plot holes or the character inconsistencies, I might recommend catching something other than the final installments of global franchises that are obligated to gross two billion dollars.

Us - Jordan Peele

If Jordan Peele were a quarterback he’d be Deshaun Watson--a top level talent who’s going to be relevant for at least the next ten years. Get Out was a statement, a cheap little movie from one half of a decent sketch comedy show that blew the doors off the tavern and walked in so much smarter and better than anyone was prepared for. But right now, sitting on my couch, Us is the movie I want to watch. It was never going to be as surprising as Get Out because this time out our expectations were so much higher. But this is the kind of movie I ultimately want him to make his fortune with--funny, scary, worth talking about afterwards. A horror movie from a guy with interesting ideas who’s been given the keys to do whatever he wants.

Glass - M. Night Shyamalan

I caught this bad boy in January. At the time I figured there was no way I’d remember anything about it by the end of the year. I don’t. 

[first-and-ten]

2017 Week 1 Preview

Welcome to the NFL season. Maybe it can keep your mind off the fact that the world is burning and drowning at the same time and nazis are everywhere and there is a racist sexual predator in charge of America and North Korea didn’t watch War Games as a kid and the bees are disappearing.

Teams on Bye: MIA, TB

KC 24 - 31 NE -- Game to Watch -- I’m choosing to view this as a good thing because one of my least favorite teams has to lose. Some people are pointing out that Andy Reid has a great record when he has more than a week to prep, but y’all, so does Belichick. There is precedent for the Chiefs kicking the living shit out of the Pats, but I don’t see it this time, not on the night where those jackasses get to bathe in their own self-importance and Super Bowl “highlights.”

JAX 20 - 27 HOU -- Lock It Up -- I’m by no means high on the Texans this year, and I don’t fancy their offense against the Jags D. But this is gonna feel like that Gleason game in the Superdome, and the Jaguars are good at fucking things up even when they are not astounding emotional underdogs. JJ Watt and Jadeveon Clowney will both be waiting to make Leonard Fournette’s NFL welcome not so welcoming. Maybe they’ll injure Bortles and Jacksonville will have to start an actual QB... If you can call Chad Henne that...

PHI 30 - 28 WSH -- Game to Watch -- -- Unpopular Opinion -- I spent the last year playing the Eagles on Madden franchise so you’ll have to forgive me if I’m a bit bullish on them. I may forget that in real life they don’t have 2,000-yard rusher and 3-time MVP Melvin Jolly in the backfield, or that Fletcher Cox has yet to be enshrined in the Pre Football Hall of Fame. In fact, Carson Wentz has zero Super Bowl rings, as opposed to the six he has garnered on my xbox! Still, the biggest factor for the Eagles last year was Lane Johnson. Before his injury they were 4-1, after they were like 3-8. That combined with Washington’s lack of pass rush means we might not yet have to worry about whether Philly can run the ball. The reverse is true on the other side: Washington’s stout o-line and the Eagles’ strong front seven cancel each other out, leaving Kirk Cousins throwing into an admittedly patchy secondary with no help from the ground game. I like the rivalry game, and I’ll give it to the up-and-comers.

NYJ 21 - 18 BUF -- Unpopular Opinion -- I know Tyrod Taylor technically cleared the NFL’s concussion protocol, but you can’t convince me he’s at 100%, or that the debut of the Rick Dennison offense in Buffalo won’t be a nightmare. This is exactly the kind of game the Josh McCown Browns would win, and it’s one I think his Jets will too. I just don’t see a lot of movement from Buffalo, whose list of weapons has been whittled down to two.

OAK 24 - 28 TEN -- Unpopular Opinion -- -- Game to Watch -- Time for Tennessee to Prove It. There’s no defense I would rather go against in a Prove It game than Oakland. I could easily see Marcus Mariota shredding them. If I wasn't a total whip I would be starting him this week in fantasy instead of Aaron Rodgers. Both of these QBs are young and coming off of injuries. I am excited by this. They also have aging runners trying to stave off younger bucks. I think if Marshawn is gonna be good, it’s gonna be early in the season. In the end, despite being outcoached, I think the Titans watch up great against Oakland and extract an important, top-shelf win at home.

BAL 23 - 27 CIN Such a close game I predict and yet I am not too interested in this game. We’ll see if Flacco is better, but anything else this game reveals could easily be a fluke. In the end, Cincy has dominated the Ravens at home for awhile, and I don’t like where Baltimore is at the moment. If the Bengals can find even one small area of leverage, they’ll find the win.

ARI 31 - 21 DET -- Game to Watch -- -- Lock It Up -- Low-key important game featuring two potential NFC Wild Card teams. The difference will be that one is a team and the other is Matt Stafford gunning his way to an exhausted .500+ despite having to max out the potential of the rest of the roster to get there. I think we might see a big game from Larry Fitzgerald. The Lions don’t seem to be set up to cover him.

ATL 26 - 20 CHI -- Survivor -- Some smart people think this is gonna be a tough out for Atlanta, and yet I give them my highest confidence Survivor designation. Am I stupid? Or am I just banking on Julio Jones making quick work of Chicago’s iffy secondary and Mike Glennon coming back to earth after an excellent preseason?

PIT 35 - 20 CLE -- Lock It Up -- Gonna add a name to the Cleveland QB Jersey of Doom! Kizer, your time on the clock starts now. We get a Joe Hayden revenge game in quick turnaround, and unfairly it will come against a Browns team that will be missing #1 overall pick Myles Garrett. That just bites for football in general. This will be LeVeon Bell’s first-ever Week 1 start, thanks to injuries and a league system that still for some reason punishes players for pot use. Who runs this thing, Jeff Sessions? Anyway, Bell might pass 100 yards by halftime. Something to watch, though, is that Roethlisberger historically struggles in Cleveland. I mean not as much as Cleveland’s quarterbacks do, but he does struggle.

IND 12 - 21 LAR -- NFL Title Belt (IND) -- The NFL Title Belt enters the season on inauspicious terms, ready to be wrested from Scott Tolzien’s hands by the Aaron Donald-less Rams defense. I will be shocked if Indy pulls this off, the only reason I don’t have it as a lock is that I don’t trust the Rams as far as I can throw them, or as far as Jared Goff could throw the ball last season without getting intercepted.

SEA 36 - 28 GB -- Unpopular Opinion -- -- Game to Watch -- I’m fucking excited for this game. You get the Bennett Brothers facing off in the middle of an emotional situation for Michael. You get Sheldon Richardson’s debut. You get Eddie Lacy’s revenge(?). You get the revenge game for the Packers’ stomping that was itself revenge for the NFC title game comeback AND the failed revenge for the Final Mary AND the Fail Mary itself. You get Aaron Rodgers facing an LoB that has no significant injuries for the first time since said NFC title game. Y’all, be pumped. The Seahawks will play passionate because of the Bennett stuff, they will refuse to let GB run, and they will execute their defensive scheme which we know can disrupt Rodgers when it’s done right.

CAR 29 - 27 SF This is a worrisome game, and if it’s SF’s I will be kicking myself. Cam is coming off an injury that lasted all offseason, their secondary sucks, Kyle Shanahan gets to debut his career at home, and the Niners have a weird streak of winning on kickoff weekend. The Panthers have to travel all the way across the country, and on top of that, don’t underestimate the memory of SB50. We saw how pumped the Broncos got playing here in the preseason. But just look at the names of the players and tell me again how San Fran pulls this one off, eh? If nothing else, Christian McCaffrey and Greg Olsen can blow this one open.

NYG 23 - 26 DAL Again? Yo, NFL, stop it with this shit. Look, I want to believe that the Giants will stymie the Cowboys AGAIN and Eli will take advantage of his new weapons and the Cowboys will be exposed, but I don’t think so. Mostly I just dread the coverage of Zeke. Can this just... Not? If Odell doesn’t play I might not even watch, even though it’s the only game today that I’ll be home for.

NO 31 - 27 MIN -- Game to Watch -- The return of Adrian Peterson! Which means he’s good for at least one devastating fumble and at least one run with 5+ broken tackles, along with something stupid he says to the media after the game. This is strength on strength for sure: the Saints offense against the Vikings defense should excite. It may be on the road but the indoor vibe of the Vikings’ stadium is Drew Bree's-Friendly. On the other side, both units have to be improved from last year to make any impact. I like the Saints’ multiple layers of defensive improvement better than the Vikings’ strategy of “throw Dalvin Book at the wall and see if he sticks” so... Whodat!

LAC 16 - 19 DEN -- Game to Watch -- So get this: Not only is this the first game to feature two black head coaches in their debut games, but those coaches GREW UP AS NEIGHBORS IN AURORA COLORADO and then were TEAMMATES ON THE BRONCOS. How on earth does that happen!?!?!? Anyway, usually I would pick a loss for either of these teams since they are new coaches who I don’t honestly have a ton of faith in, but they can’t both lose so I’m kinda gonna go with the It’s Easier To Coach At Home In Denver Than Away At Denver. As you can probably guess, that is one CJ Anderson TD and then four Brandon McManus FGs I have for Denver on the board, not exactly a runaway game. This is a low-key Mike McCoy re-revenge game, as he was stolen from DEN to HC in SD but then had to come back to OC for us after LA showed him the door. I’ll be interested to see how this whole team looks under new coaching, especially since I would at this point consider the Chargers more talented across the board. If we can’t stop the run (like last year) it’ll be tough to squeak one out. I know we have a lot of guys injured up front, but somehow I still like the pieces we’re gonna put out there, and by the time we’re running out of depth the Chargers will be gassed from the altitude. Either way, should be an interesting start (in primetime, no less) to both the Vance Joseph and Anthony Lynn eras.

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!

[thisguyatthemovies]

A matter of Hart

Title: “The Front Runner”

Release date: In theaters Nov. 6, 2018; on disc/streaming Feb. 12, 2019

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Vera Farmiga, Sara Paxton, Molly Ephraim, Kaitlyn Dever, Ari Graynor, J.K Simmons, Chris Coy, Alex Karpovsky, Josh Brener, Tommy Dewey, Oliver Cooper, Alfred Molina, Mamoudou Athie

Directed by: Jason Reitman

Run time: 1 hour, 52 minutes

Rated: R

What it’s about: The 1988 presidential campaign of former Colorado senator Gary Hart is derailed when he is accused of adultery.

How I saw it: Jason Reitman has made a movie about Gary Hart that doesn’t always involve Gary Hart. And that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

First, a history lesson. Hart was a senator from Colorado when he decided to run for the 1984 Democratic nomination for U.S. president. A progressive who appealed to young people, Hart nearly won the nomination but lost out when eventual nominee Walter Mondale broke out the “where’s the beef?” line from a popular Wendy’s commercial as a way of criticizing the lack of substance in Hart’s proposals. In 1984, a catchphrase was enough, and Mondale went on to lose badly (taking only one state and the District of Columbia) to incumbent Republican Ronald Reagan in the general election.

Hart later decided to not seek re-election as senator to put all his focus on a 1988 presidential bid. He was, as the film’s title implies, the front-runner until an anonymous tip called in to the Miami Herald suggested that Hart, who had run as a man of “family values” (Democrats could do that back then), was having an affair with a young woman. Reporters and a photographer from the Herald stalked the candidate at his Washington townhouse and saw him with the woman in question, Donna Rice. When the news broke, it spread like wildfire, and this was in a time before Twitter and before 24-hour TV news was a big deal. The tabloid press took over, and Hart, after denying the allegations and having his team do its best to spin or bury them, dropped out of the race for a while. He returned but withdrew again when he fared poorly in early primaries, despite polls showing much of the public was either sympathetic toward Hart or apathetic toward the scandal.

So how is “The Front Runner” not all about Hart? The candidate, played by Hugh Jackman (who is not at his best here and sometimes struggles to sound American), drifts in an out of the movie. Large chunks of it don’t have him on screen. And, perhaps oddly, those scenes tend to work better than ones that include a seemingly uncomfortable lead actor wearing a hard-not-to-look-at 1980s hairpiece.

Instead, several scenes, like in many a political movie to come before it, are about the backroom workings of a political campaign. And newsroom discussions. And, in this case, Hart’s marriage. And a noticeable effort to portray Rice (Sara Paxton) as the victim of the scandal (the real-life Rice and Hart continue to deny to this day that there was anything sexual about their relationship). A couple of times Rice reminds anyone who will listen that she is a smart woman and not the bimbo that became her public persona. Is she trying to convince the other players in the scandal or herself?

But mostly “The Front Runner” is about how the real victim was Hart’s campaign. Before his story broke in 1987, the personal indiscretions of presidents and presidential candidates were either ignored or covered up by the press (John F. Kennedy, for example). That gentleman’s agreement disappeared during the Hart scandal, and “The Front Runner” asks if questionable judgement and shoddy reporting techniques by the press led to the media feeding frenzy that contributed to Hart’s downfall. It all seems quaint 30-plus years later, when something can be dug up from many years ago, spread immediately on social media and have instant ramifications. You could argue the press was just doing what it was supposed to do in the late 1980s, but this film doesn’t make a strong argument for that.

“The Front Runner” is not a great film. It has a lot going on, and in the scenes in which campaign supporters and reporters and editors do their things, it gets quite involved and chatty. J.K Simmons as Hart’s campaign manager, Molly Ephraim as a fictional campaign supporter who takes Rice under her wing, and Mamoudou Athie as a fictional Washington Post reporter give strong performances in a movie that is otherwise solid and a bit of a curiosity but unremarkable.

My score: 64 out of 100

Should you see it? Not a must-see movie by any stretch, but if you like politics and are curious about an important moment in U.S. political and press history, check it out.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey God,

i feel really guilty right now.

to the point that i feel physically sick and could barf at any moment. i can already feel the stomach acids starting to burn my throat.

a part of me just wants to cry.

God, I’m losing sight of who I am in you.

I’ve been experimenting a lot recently and doing things that I thought were just me getting back to my roots and who I am but I’m realizing a lot of the things I used to do weren’t very pleasing to you. I do really enjoy stand up comedians and I think they’re really funny. And enjoying their blunt nature isn’t bad in it of itself. But they do curse. A lot. And use your name in vain. A lot. I don’t feel comfortable sharing that side of me and those interests with the people at church because a part of me knows it isn’t pleasing to you. It isn’t honoring to you. But because I can’t face that truth and reality of the situation, I just blame everyone else. I just say, “Oh, I have nothing in common with the people at Lakeview or Movement. That’s why we can’t get along. It’s their fault, not mine. They should try harder to have more things in common with me. I’ve already tried too hard and too much. I deserve to rest. I deserve to be served.” And things along those lines. Those aren’t all things I’ve necessarily explicitly said but they are definitely some of my inner thoughts that I choose to ignore but are definitely there. Of course I don’t get along with everyone. I have such a me vs them mindset and blame them for my pain and misfortune instead of just really genuinely caring for them and serving them. I can’t expect the community to get better overnight and magically get better at welcoming. Ideally, they already would have that personality and willingness. In this case, they don’t. And that’s okay. But I need to learn to humble myself and really invest in them as individuals to be more welcoming and accepting. i need to be a role model for them and encourage/challenge them to do the same. instead of just expecting them to act that way.

sidenote: i am really irrationally afraid that someone is going to break into my apartment when im not home and be hiding in my room or something and attack me or steal from me or other things to me. im really afraid someone is going to break into my apartment w/o me knowing and i’ll just come home totally unsuspecting and be susceptible to danger i dont even know exists.

but tbh, im also afraid of people breaking in while im home as well. im just really afraid of living alone, surprisingly. bc at least if theres two of us and someone breaks in, one person can help the other or call the police or help attack the perpetrator or something. if im alone, i have to struggle on my own. theres no one that’s got my back. i just need to do my best to survive in the moment. i would feel so much fear if i heard someone’s footsteps in my apartment or someone opening the door. i would probably turn off my lights and hide in my closet but be so on edge that i would be found out. i never want to experience that. ever. God, please make it so I never do. Please.

i feel kinda guilty rn bc i wanted to stay up to plan my class for kidsland today but honestly i just feel so nauseous and my throat feels so acidic that i think itd just be better if i slept now and planned my class tomorrow. i know i shouldve been/done a better job at preparing sooner but i didnt so here i am now.

------

i ended up falling asleep and just doing the research/getting my notes together this morning on the train and while at church before the teacher’s meeting

i was planning on staying up to do the design so as to not disappoint jenny and do the necessary research for my class so they have a good time and make the most of my opportunity teaching them but i honestly felt so nauseous and did barf a little last night. i knew it’d be better to just sleep and hopefully feel better in the morning and then work on my materials today. and i was right. i did feel better after sleeping and i was still able to get my materials together today.

so last night, i went to ari’s party and i didn’t think it would be like a college party party. i thought it would just be a small kickback with some friends where some people drank, some people didnt, and we just played games together all night long. i didnt think there would be so much booze, so many people i didnt know, so much talk about sexually immoral things, and feel so incredibly hated and persecuted and judged for my faith and how i carry myself. i knew people were judging me for leaving when they were starting their kink game. for judging me for not drinking alcohol. for not wholeheartedly agreeing with their beliefs that Catholicism is horrible and that God isn’t real. I was one of three straight, binary people at the party last night out of maybe twenty people. And as it gets increasingly harder to be a Christian, I feel even more and more alone from the people in Movement. And a part of me really wants to leave. I’ve tried and tried and tried so hard for so long to be a part of the community and in the end, it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Today, P. Josh preached about evangelizing and what it means to share the gospel. And then P. William introduced communion and challenged us and asked if we were serious about actually living this out and constantly sharing the gospel and being defined by this. And ultimately, I was too afraid. Thinking about myself in the room with everyone at the party last night, I felt so alone. And I didn’t want to lose them. I didn’t want to risk the community and friends I feel like I do have—especially with my co-workers who have been there for me during such trying times and have comforted me and accepted me as I am—for the sake of the gospel. I know this is something I need to do and should do and how God, you, have called me to live. But I couldn’t do it. Because without them, I feel like I don’t have anyone. I know that I need to just get over the Chinatown outing/trip that happened in April but I really was so incredibly hurt by that. Because it was honestly just hard for me to even give people the opportunity to come downtown again. To show that they do care about us and see us as a part of the community. And they were so seemingly excited to go too. So when almost no one showed up, I was honestly heartbroken. Them not coming and not telling us they couldn’t come just meant to me that we weren’t worth the time or energy to travel that far. Because we aren’t that important to them. We aren’t a part of the community. We’re on our own. And I know that Amanda has got my back and I do love her dearly. But she isn’t in Movement anymore. She graduated. She’s moving on. She’s in Catalyst now. And I’m on my own. And honestly, I don’t feel a community with Movement. Instead, I feel like I need to be strong for them and be someone they can rely upon and look up and trust to do what is right and lead by example. I want to leave Movement, and maybe even Lakeview now, knowing that I was able to disciple people well enough where I can trust that the community will keep growing in the right direction. That even when I leave, there will be willing people. People willing to put in the time and worth and effort and energy to make sure that they are a people striving to be more like Christ. Striving to make sure no one feels left out or left behind. Striving for a better future. And I know I’m only human and ultimately it has to be through God working in me for this to become possible.

But I know every single person in new MAST has a good heart. They do all want a better future. They want to build a community of acceptance and openness. I genuinely believe this as fact. But they aren’t there yet to make this a reality. I want to be able to stand firm in my faith and do what is right even if I am alone in doing so. Even if they would rather fit in with each other or take the easy way out, I want to be able to stand tall and strong. Even if I am alone. Even if no one is on my side. I want to continue to do what is right because I know it is pleasing to the Lord. Because I trust that He will move within their hearts and that they will eventually learn to also do what is right. But I don’t know if I can give up my friends at school, people I actually get along so easily and well with. People that have common, shared interests with me. We watch the same shows, have the same hobbies, like the same supplies. I have almost nothing in common with the people at Movement. I kind of don’t even really have anything in common with the people at Lakeview. And I have tried to find common interest. I tried to get into smash but I don’t really has easy/ready to access opportunity to play or practice smash regularly. I don’t play sports, nor do I really have the resources to engage in sports even if I wanted to. There’s not really a sports team or anything at my school. I tried to get into k-pop and other korean stuff and ended up just being ignorant and excluding the non-koreans in our community. i dont know what else to do.

and i know, having Christ in common is supposed to be the most important thing and of much greater value and importance than any of these other things in the world. But I really would like to have at least just one friend in Movement to whom I can talk to so easily and freely. Someone I actually have things in common with. Someone I can relate to. Someone who obsesses over the same things I do and shares common interest with me. Is that too much to ask?

Today, I left before P. William started communion. I really tried to stay but I knew I would feel way too much guilt to partake in communion when I myself was internally struggling so much with preaching the gospel. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make a false promise to God. And I didn’t want everyone to notice me in the pew not going up when everyone else did. So I left.

And I can just chalk it up to feel nauseous again or something which could totally pass because I actually was in the restroom for the whole time until I had to go and teach for Kidsland. But the truth is, I just couldn’t face it. I was too afraid. I couldn’t make that commitment to God. At least not then. And not now either. I just couldn’t do it. So like a coward, I left.

And I was really anxious about running into P. Josh or P. William again after that. I was even kind of dreading going into college hour because I didn’t want P. Josh to ask me why I suddenly left and just blatantly lie to his face. I couldn’t do that to him. I have too much love and respect for him. But I also don’t know if I can just be honest and tell him the truth either.

Even right now. I’m debating on whether or not to go to Jenny’s thing tonight. I don’t know if I’ll have the strength and energy to pretend to be totally fine and happy the whole time and like nothing is wrong when in reality, it feels like I’m drowning. Like everything is crashing and burning down around me.

But I feel like I’ve already told too many people that have asked if I’m coming that I am. I feel like I just have to go and get it over with at this point. I could still potentially bail on tonight and say I was feeling sick again. I don’t know yet.

I’m still trying to figure things out.

Please bring my clarity on what I should do, God. Please.

I don’t know how much longer I can keep living this life.

Why am I even here? Maybe I should just leave.

I was able to pretend like everything was fine during class today for Kidsland. I just hope I can do that for a longer period of time with the adults. As long as I just avoid everyone in Movement, I think I’ll be okay.

Sigh.

Okay.

I got this.

I just. I need to really pray and intercede on these things to God later. When I’m alone. I don’t want to tell anyone what I’m going through right now in fear that it’ll just end up being burdensome to them. P. Josh doesn’t need to hear this again or how I’m struggling with being a Christian at my school again.

I just feel so alone and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Honestly, even today during college hour, when P. Josh and Christine asked what we want out of these summer sessions, I wanted to say that I just want feel accepted and like I have a community and group of people I can rely on—especially as it gets harder and harder to be friends with the people at school and as they persecute God and Christianity in increasing amounts. But I couldn’t bring myself to say and confess that without feeling like I was going to cry. So I didn’t say anything at all and just kept my mouth shut.

I volunteered to share my life story next week. Hopefully I’ll be in a better place and more mentally stable to share then.

[first-and-ten]

Week 14 Preview

We’re stuck with Roger Goodell for at least another 5 years. #DarkestTimeline. My birthday is Sunday so this week had goddamn better be good. I demand at least one snow game.

NO 31 - 32 ATL $2 ATL +0.5 - Unpopular Opinion - - Game to Watch - Oh snap, we get one hell of a treat for Thursday Night this week! This division race is wide fucking open. The Falcons really need this one, though. If they lose, they’re clinging to a tie-breaker over the Seahawks and crossing their fingers. Meanwhile, both teams are getting their top cornerbacks back from injury. In the end, this is the first chapter of a top-shelf NFL rivalry in a new location: the giant robot’s colon that the good people of Atlanta paid for only to see a fucking car company slap its name on it. Anyway, if Marshon Lattimore isn’t all the way healthy Julio Jones will let us know quick, and either way I expect Atlanta to eke it out based just on team history. This one will come down to the wire, both this game and the NFC South.

GB 27 - 20 CLE $1 GB -3.5 - Lock it Up - - Game to Watch - You can be the Browns will show up for this game. Their offense is rejuvenated with Josh Gordon in the lineup and they’ll play at home against a Packers team that is highly vulnerable. This could be the week the Browns get back on track, encouraged by the ouster of Sashi. But I honestly believe the 0-16 is happening.

CHI 10 - 19 CIN $1 CIN +6.5 The Bengals are hardly world-beaters but without Leonard Floyd the Bears just have no teeth. It’s too easy for other teams to get down the field and score the very low number of points that puts games out of reach of the Bears. Of course, a few breakdowns and special teams flukes here and there are the Bears’ forte, so who knows.

IND 21 - 23 BUF $1 IND +3.5 - Game to Watch - This game will likely feature Nate Peterman again, but as of now the forecast calls for heavy snow in Buffalo tomorrow. I don’t bet against Shady McCoy in a snowstorm.

MIN 30 - 24 CAR $15 MIN +2.5 - Game to Watch - The Vikings wrap up their road trip against a Panthers team struggling to keep up with the upper echelons of the NFC. The Vikings are the uppest echelon of the NFC.

DAL 26 - 23 NYG $1 NYG +4.5 The Cowboys are the better team but they’re playing on the road and Eli is back which has some emotional weight.

DET 25 - 20 TB $1 DET -3.5 Matt Stafford will reportedly play, but I don’t trust his hand as far as any person can throw anything with a broken hand. I think Detroit will win because the Buccaneers are listless but I wouldn’t touch this game with a ten foot pole.

SF 28 - 23 HOU $5 SF +2.5 - Survivor - - Unpopular Opinion -  From everything I’ve seen of Jimmy Garoppolo, he’s exactly enough of a quarterback to be the difference in this kind of game.

OAK 17 - 20 KC $4 OAK +3.5 - Lock it Up - This game is not exactly piquing much interest. Marshawn Lynch is still exciting, but the Chiefs offense had something going again last week. I think they’ll keep that going with their OC calling the plays.

TEN 15 - 12 ARI $2 TEN -2.5 I have essentially no faith in the Titans, but I also have no faith in the Cardinals, so what I’m saying is this game doesn’t matter at all. 

NYJ 2 - 4 DEN $35 DEN +0.5 - Unpopular Opinion -  The Broncos wouldn’t lose on my birthday, right? They probably would.  Fuck.

WSH 20 - 25 LAC $1 WSH -6.5 - Lock it Up - Washington was a good enough team early on, but they have deteriorated and now they have nothing to point at to make me think they’ll beat LA.

SEA 17 - 13 JAX $2 SEA +2.5 - Unpopular Opinion -  - Game to Watch - A potential changing of the guard as the Jags are running the old Seattle defense better than the Seahawks are right now. But the QB position is the most important one on the football field, and the gap of talent there is so immense. Until proven otherwise, I have to go with the Seahawks.

PHI 28 - 21 LAR $25 PHI +2.5 - Unpopular Opinion -  - Lock it Up - - Game to Watch - How are the Rams favored?? This should be a fun watch but I’m very confident in an Eagles win. 

BAL 27 - 30 PIT $1 BAL +5.5 - NFL Title Belt (PIT) - - Lock it Up - - Game to Watch - The Ravens have momentum and the Steelers seem incapable of winning on more than a field goal so here’s this.

NE 45 - 6 MIA $65 NE -11.5 - Lock it Up - There are two places in the NFL where Tom Brady has a losing record: Denver and Miami. Look what good that did the Broncos this year.

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!

[first-and-ten]

Week 10 Preview

I know I kinda harp on this, but it’s a good time to mention that there is no real excuse for Colin Kaepernick not being signed. There are at least three teams out there actively destroying their chances of making the playoffs by refusing to bring him on. They say he brings discord, meanwhile Jerry Jones is suing the league in an attempt to oust the commish and his star player is on his sixth or seventh round of suspension/unsuspension/re-suspension for maybe committing acts of domestic violence. You know what Kaepernick and virtually all NFL players are not divided on? Veterans’ issues. They’ve all agreed not to kneel during the anthem this week, because this week it feels to them like the flag represents veterans. Need any more proof that the protests aren’t about dishonoring veterans?

Teams on bye: PHI, BAL, KC, OAK

SEA 23 - 17 ARI - Lock It Up - At this point I don’t know what to expect but I just can’t see Adrian Peterson carrying the rock 30+ times and that’s the only way the Cards win.

CLE 17 - 30 DET - Survivor - As someone who recently started a Madden franchise of the Browns, I feel Hue Jackson’s pain. We went 1-15 in year one, moved to Toronto, rebranded as the Huskies, hit on superstars with all three of our first round picks, started 8-3 and still lost 4 of our last 5 to miss the playoffs. It’s incurable.

NYJ 27 - 17 TB Josh McCown and Ryan Fitzpatrick will both be facing previous teams in this absurd matchup. Of course, between the two of them they’ve played for literally half of the teams in the league, so this was pretty much bound to happen. Anyway, the Jets have a defense and the Buccaneers don’t, and Mike Evens won’t even be out there, so yeah.

CIN 21 - 24 TEN This is a terrifying game to try and predict. The Bengals just put Jeremy Hill on IR and they looked totally inept against the Jags and they’ll be on the road, but the Titans have been one of the least convincing good teams this season. They came closer than anyone to losing to the Browns. But in the end, the Titans have won the games they should, and the Bengals are falling apart.

LAC 26 - 24 JAX - Unpopular Opinion - - Game to Watch - Another prediction I’m not at all confident in, but the Chargers have played well enough to keep the every-other-week pattern of Jags wins going. If this prediction goes wrong it will be because Phil Rivers throws a bad pick-6, LA can’t stop the run, and the whole team is caught sleeping on the time change. If it goes right it’ll be because the pass rush Makes Bortles Bortles Again.

GB 10 - 26 CHI - Lock It Up -  Oh boy, have the Packers fucked up. For the third season in a row, they entered the season with a chance to take the lead in the oldest rivalry in the NFL, and once again they will fail. Brett Hundley is like chum in the water for John Fox’s defense. I guess this analogy makes them sharks. There should definitely be an NFL team called the Sharks.

MIN 24 - 20 WSH - Game to Watch - If Washington wins this one I’ll be pissed. I had them winning, and then I thought about how lucky they got against Seattle and how injured they still are and I just... The thing that worries me most is that the slow rate of play necessitated by the marshy bog at Washington’s stadium really plays more into their strengths than those of the visitors. But Minnesota should not be overlooked. Case Keenum is officially starting over Teddy Bridgewater so even if things go wrong, they have a wild card to play.

PIT 31 - 20 IND - NFL Title Belt (PIT) - - Lock It Up -  Pittsburgh is coming off a bye, and my only worry is that they’ll come out sluggish. But even if they do, with Indy’s defense banged up on top of already being not very good, this one’s a very easy choice.

NO 25 - 28 BUF - Unpopular Opinion - - Game to Watch - This pick is either genius or total stupidity. The Saints have been amazing over the last month, but their one weakness is stopping the run, not to mention Drew Brees’ well-documented struggles in let’s just say “rugged” environments. The Bills were embarrassed by the Jets on Thursday night, but based on what they said it was more about it being Thursday than anything else. Now they have extra time to prep. 

HOU 13 - 35 LAR - Lock It Up -  Oh yeah, I’m sure Tom Savage will get it going against Aaron Donald and Wade Phillips.

DAL 27 - 20 ATL - Unpopular Opinion - - Game to Watch - Who even knows whether Zeke is playing anymore or not? You know what, it doesn’t matter, because the Falcons are too directionless to take on this team, no matter who’s running the rock.

NYG 21 - 9 SF Two of the more listless teams in the league. One is suffering the effects of a QB on the back end of his effectiveness, one from a series of QBs proving too green. I think it would be stupid not to toss Garoppolo in at some point, if not to start, if for no other reason than this may be the most winnable game the Niners will get. But I have little faith. This team is deep in the shit.

NE 30 - 14 DEN - Lock It Up -  Why would you put this game in primetime? I’m so mad. I feel like because we’ve played the Pats well before there’s extra pressure to keep it competitive, which we absolutely will not. We don’t have the guys on the field or on the headsets to make that happen. This will be an embarrassment.

MIA 10 - 14 CAR - Lock It Up -  Two lackluster offenses meet under the Monday Night Lights to duke it out. This could be a sneaky-bad uniform matchup, to go with what’s sure to be pretty blah play. The Dolphins should keep it close by the factor of their solid defensive front, but ultimately I don't see them winning. Which really should have been my prediction for the Raiders game last week.

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!