#i still feel the loss. but i'll try to celebrate the joy he brought as well.

[husbandhannie]

now that i've had a day for this to sink in, here are some of my not-so-jumbled thoughts.

i didn't really know much about moonbin. i didn't follow astro closely, and i didn't follow moonbin's activities either. which probably explains why i had a muted reaction to the news. it's a horrible tragedy and a loss to the world, but it didn't affect me as much, y'know?

i woke up today feeling fine, read taemin's message, and cried.

i knew a bit about moonbin. i thought he was a really good dancer, and i've seen some of his covers because he was so satisfying to watch. i remember watching a variety show episode with astro on it, and how it cheered me up on a depressing day. i thought his voice was lovely, and i remember thinking that he'd crush a solo. it's a loss to think that he's not there anymore, and that all the joy he could've given to the world stopped at 25 years. it hurts to think of that loss.

i've been putting off catching up on astro's stuff for a couple of years now (they have a big history and it's a big project). i think i'll do it now. and catch up on moonbin's subunit, and anything else he's done. it seems like a good time.

he won't be creating anymore joy in the world, he's dead. but everything he created is still out there. i'd rather spend my time celebrating his life, than feeling the loss of everything he could've been.

[roselen-mylady]

In Another Life

Bucky Barnes x reader ° part nine

Summary: Waiting 88 years to find your soulmate? It was cruel. But it was a cruel fate Bucky would have to face whether he accepted it or not. Bucky was a tortured man all his life and he wasn't even granted the solace of having his soulmate at his side. All he had was the promise of one in another life. They were separated by two different times.

But the pain in their lives were connected.

Y/n had been alone ever since she could remember. All she could depend on was the soulmate that was destined to be at her side. Yet when the snap occured she lost him.

And Bucky never got to meet her.

After a successful run of the machine, Clint was a firm believer in time travel. Though he had only briefly visited the past, hearing his daughter's voice for a moment had locked in his devotion. Tony, Rocket and Y/n all shared a mutual relief and joy from such a break in science yet their celebration couldn't last long. 

With the time travel machine completed, the team they had managed to pull together gathered to come up with a plan. Finding the infinity stones, something Y/n had taken upon herself to study the past few weeks, was difficult especially when they had to find an exact moment in which that stone was accessible.

They spent hours talking to one another about what they knew about the stones. It was frustrating not having all the information and they even found themselves strung out across the floor or furniture in thought. 

"Guys, what about New York?" Y/n questioned, laying with her head on Nat's stomach while Tony was at her side. 

"Wait, yeah. Pick the right year and there are three stones in New York." Nat agreed. Tony shifted beside Y/n making her groan as she involuntarily moved to accommodate him. 

"Shut the front door." Bruce gasped, peeking up at them from the ground. Y/n looked up at Nat sharing a proud smirk with her as the two men discussed the discovery. 

Eventually they figured out a plan, one that got them all the stones. Steve, Tony, Bruce and Scott would go back to the Battle of New York in 2012 to get the Time stone, Tesseract and Scepter. Nebula, Rhodey, Nat and Clint would travel to 2014 to get the Orb in Morag as well as the Soul Stone in Vormir. Y/n wasn't sure where that was but she was grateful she didn't have to go to such a menacing sounding place. Thor and Rocket opted to go to Asgard in 2013 to extract the Aether from a woman named Jane Foster. All the while, Y/n would stay in case something went wrong so she could bring them back. 

The GPS tech Tony had made was given to each member and when activated it gave them suits able to withstand time and space. After a little tinkering with Tony she managed to help give each suit its own quality which matched the wearer but all sported the famous Avengers symbol. That she made sure of. 

"Five years ago, we lost. All of us. We lost friends...we lost family…we lost soulmates...we lost a part of ourselves. Today, we have a chance to take it all back." Steve began, sharing a short glance with Tony then Y/n. She was nervous. So painfully nervous. If this went wrong, they had nothing to lose anyways. This wasn't what worried her, however. What if they did succeed? What if her soulmate came back? Was she ready for that? 

"You know your teams, you know your missions. Get the stones, get them back. One round trip each. No mistakes. No do-overs. Most of us are going somewhere we know. But it doesn't mean we should know what to expect. Be careful. Look out for each other. This is the fight of our lives. And we're gonna win." Y/n watched from the control panel as they all formed a circle on the machine. 

She had heard speeches from him before but never one quite like that. Saving people brought out another side of him, one she admired greatly. 

"Whatever it takes. Good luck." Steve said, sharing a look with Tony. They were friends in that moment and they allowed themselves to put their past behind them. 

"He's pretty good at that." Rocket nodded in approval, earning a thrilled nod from Scott. 

"Right?" Scott exclaimed, unable to contain his excitement. Steve sighed giving the two a stern look but Y/n knew he was only embarrassed. She shot him a playful wink, smiling at the grin that appeared on his face from it. 

"All right. You heard the man. Stroke those keys, shrink." Tony called over to Y/n. She shook her head, giving him a short glare to which he only chuckled. 

"Trackers engaged." Y/n announced. Tony gave her a nod and she couldn't help but feel a little pride. She had never thought she'd meet her idol let alone become so close with him. And though he'd never admit it, she could tell he'd grown used to her presence during their weeks together. 

"You promise to bring that back in one piece, right?" Rocket said suddenly, eyeing Clint threateningly. Clint's face was pale and he obviously seemed nervous with what they were doing as he stared down at the shrunken Benatar in his hand. 

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I'll do my best." Clint said, giving Rocket a forced reassuring smile. Rocket seemed unconvinced as he crossed his arms. 

"As promises go, that was pretty lame." He mumbled, looking over at Y/n to back him up. She offered him a shrug, double checking projections of the controls. 

"See you in a minute." Nat joked to Steve, an excited smile falling on her lips. She was the happiest Y/n had ever seen her now that there was a chance of bringing everyone back. The whole plan had brought everyone together and made them hopeful and Y/n refused to think about what would happen if it didn't work. It had to.

The team allowed their helmets to come forward, each with a matching expression of anxiety yet determination. They had all felt responsible for the death of the world but they were certain they'd fix it no matter what. And from her point of view, it terrified her. If there was one thing Y/n knew, it was that desperation made people do dire things. 

"Good luck." They all activated their trackers and Y/n pressed the green button to send them off. Each shrunk and disappeared into the platform of the machine, leaving Y/n alone. She shifted her gaze to the timer beside the button as it counted down from 60 seconds. 

The minute was agonizing as she watched the small dots of where her friends were through their trackers. It was horrible just being able to watch and hope that nothing happened to them. 

As it reached the final few seconds she realized that was the case as Steve and Tony jumped to 1970 making her heart stop for a moment. What was she supposed to do? Could she bring them back from the control panel? Had they run out of fuel?

Thankfully, all her panicked thoughts washed away as the group returned, noticing Steve and Tony among them with a sigh of relief. But by looking up she missed the blinking red light where Nat's tracker once was. 

The machine powered down and they retracted their suits, looking around at one another for the stones. Y/n let out an airy laugh, glancing down at the control panel to shut it off but the single light made her heart stop. It blinked slowly sending an overwhelming amount of despair through her as the room was filled with excited and even disbelieving comments. 

"Did we get them all?" Bruce questioned, looking around at their hands. Most were quiet after going back in time but as Y/n looked up at Clint she realized he'd been quiet for a different reason. 

"You telling me this'll actually work?" Rhodey asked, scoffing at how the insane plan was actually coming together. Yet no one answered him as Y/n walked over onto the platform, pacing toward Clint. 

"Clint, where's Nat?" Y/n demanded, her voice trembling. The fear in her tone sent the same dread the two felt through everyone else and they all stared at where Nat once stood in dismay. Clint fell to his knees, his expression numb and his eyes red. 

She couldn't be gone. There was still so much Y/n hadn't said. So much she hadn't thanked her friend for. There were too many good things that Nat still deserved. But she was gone. 

"Where is she?" Y/n asked, once more, tears stinging at the corners of her eyes.

Everyone knew what had happened even if Clint refused to speak. Tears fell down Y/n's cheeks and she turned away, finding Steve at her side to pull her into his arms. She cried softly into his chest, hearing Bruce behind her fall to his own knees and pound a fist into the machine. 

•••

It took a very long time before Y/n or Clint spoke again. Though Y/n hadn't known Nat as long as Clint had, Nat had been one of the only people Y/n had left. If this worked, Clint could have his family back but Y/n would still only have the people in that room. And even they had lives they'd return to. 

As Y/n sat there on the dock listening to the soft sound of water as it peacefully splashed, she realized why she should've never helped. Everytime she tried to help, something went wrong. Everytime she tried to be something she wasn't, someone lost their life. She couldn't do this anymore. 

She'd sat through the discussion they'd had about Nat and how she'd given her life for the stone. It wasn't fair but Y/n knew Nat made the choice. She did exactly what Y/n had feared and she felt like an idiot for letting Nat go. She could've said something. 

Once they'd left, Y/n stayed behind knowing she wouldn't be able to face anyone for a while. She'd dealt with loss before and from a psychiatrist standpoint she usually handled it exceedingly well. But this time was different.

"Hey." Steve spoke softly, sitting beside her. She didn't reply but Steve anticipated this, allowing her to sit quietly. 

"You know it's not your fault. Nat made a choice." Steve said, trying to give her a little solace. Y/n shook her head, groaning at how much guilt weighed down on her. 

"No, it is my fault. Nat's life ended when the snap happened, I should've known she would've done anything to fix it." Y/n said, wiping her eyes hastily. Steve cautiously put his hand on her shoulder, having never seen her like this. It was awful seeing someone he had watched help hundreds of people, himself included, break before him. It felt awful being unable to do anything to help her in return. 

"There's no way you could've known." He murmured his voice barely above a hurt whisper. She shook her head again, standing up suddenly and pointing to her chest. 

"I did, though. Deep down I knew but I was so caught up in being a hero for you and everyone else, I forgot to do the only thing I'm good for! I can't do this, Steve!" She cried. As much as she fought it, her tears returned out of frustration, these burning down her raw cheeks.  

Steve believed in her and that's why he wanted her to stay but she had crumbled under the pressure and now Nat was dead. She couldn't be the hero he and Nat wanted her to be and she refused to jeopardize the plan with her presence. 

"I'm leaving. I'm sorry but I just can't do this anymore." She said void of emotion as she pushed past him to walk off the dock. Steve stood, his heart racing and his eyes watering as he watched her storm off. He wanted to apologize, say anything to make her stay. He had dragged her into this afterall. 

But something she said had stopped him. 

"I never asked you to be a hero." He blurted making her freeze dead in her tracks. Her blood ran cold and she slowly turned to him, confusion creased in her brow. 

"What?" She questioned, not daring to look back. Steve took a cautious step forward, his own brow furrowing as he tried to piece together what she had said moments before. 

"I never asked you to be a hero, I just asked you to be there for me." Y/n flinched, realizing what she had said. Then her promise to Nat resurfaced. The last thing Nat had asked of her was to tell Steve of her past. And she couldn't even do that. 

"Forget it." 

"No. Please, Y/n. What have you been hiding? There's so much about you I don't know and I never asked because I trust you but I need to know now." Steve demanded, staring at her back as she refused to turn to him. "You're one of the last people I have left, I have to know I can trust you!" Steve pleaded. 

It was too late now, Y/n knew that. Steve was set on getting an answer and he was never one to give up. But she desperately needed him to. Her past was terrible, sure, but there was so much that came with it. 

Did she only become his friend because she was SHIELD once? Was he a mission? Did she even care about him? These were questions she knew he would ask and she couldn't bare to lose him because he believed that yet again someone close to him was only close because he was a job. 

"You can trust me!" She insisted but it went through one ear and out the other. 

"Prove it. Tell me the truth." Steve begged. "What was so horrible that you have to bury it all inside? What are you so afraid of?!" 

That was the last straw. The thread she'd been clinging to snapped and she now fell into the despair and guilt that had consumed her all those years ago.

"You wanna know about my past?!" She snapped, turning to face him. "I was naive and righteous! I was smart, so smart that I thought I could be a hero too!" Y/n shouted, frustrated tears welling in her eyes. "I joined SHIELD and worked with Fury to become the next generation of avengers. I trained and worked and fought to be like you! To be a hero! But you know what it got me?!" The question was harsh and Steve flinched at it. He'd never seen her erupt like this before. Never saw her break or scream until her lungs were sore. 

She was done. Done hiding, done running. She was tired of hating who she was. Tired of being unable to forgive the mistakes of a child. 

Steve was silent. It was a lot to process, she knew that but his silence unsettled her. There was no set response she was expecting from him but no response at all was definitely not something she foresaw or wanted. She wanted him to yell back. To hate her for keeping it all from him. Or even to demand she leave. Anything but silence. 

"I put a target on my back and those I loved. My brain was used for HYDRA without my knowledge and when I was finished, they killed my family and tried to take me." She finished, tears rolling down her cheeks in a pitiful way. It was weak and pathetic but she couldn't help it. Not once had she ever confessed the full truth before. Never had she unleashed everything that ate her up inside. 

"They sent their favorite assassin that day, the day I lost everything. I nearly died." She confessed, her voice on the verge of breaking as sobs racked her shoulders.

Not a word was spoken but he moved. He stepped forward, grabbing hold of her and pulling her to him. There was more silence. But she was okay with it this time. Steve had said a lot in his lifetime. But with Y/n actions spoke louder than words. So that was what he did. 

And in that simple hug he was able to tell her it was alright. The guilt and shame she'd felt towards herself was enough and honestly Steve didn't feel the same. He felt sad. Sad for her. 

"Who did HYDRA send?" 

He hadn't meant to ask. It was the least appropriate time to do so but it had been drilling into his skull since she'd first mentioned the organization he'd been fighting all his life. 

He needed to know. To confirm what she'd told him, even if he feared the truth she'd offer. 

"The Winter Soldier."

Part ten

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Hey guys! I'm not dead and sorry for not updating this for so long! I've been so busy working on my other book and I finally found motivation to work on this one so I hope you enjoy🤟 Comment if you wanna be added to the taglist

[feathers-scales-and-tails]

Lately I've seen a lot of posts talking about the environmental impact pet cats can have. And while this is absolutely excellent that awareness is finally being brought, I have yet to see a single discussion about pet dogs. Many don't know but they can be just as destructive as cats if allowed to wander unchecked! I'd really appreciate if you could take the time to read this or share it please! So cheers, I'll try not to drag this out too long.

Dogs just like cats, massacre animals simply because of instincts, they're bored, or because it's just fun to kill. Despite it being illegal in Queensland, Australia where I live to allow a dog to leave its property unsupervised, it is common place to see it happen anyway. Local councils are slack with pet cats and dogs so even if their wandering is reported often no punishments are enforced upon owners. Majority know how harmful a single cat can be; my backyard population of Eastern Water Dragons (5 adults, estimated 13 babies) was slaughtered by my neighbours cat. That damage has never reversed and to this day, roughly 8 years after, I have never seen another Water Dragon in my yard. Yet mention a dog and people will bite your head off with "dogs are angels" and "my dog would never kill"

We don't often hear about dogs killing wildlife although it does happen, considering they don't drag the kills back home likes cats do. Often dead possums and kangaroos will be abandoned wherever the dog killed them, unbeknownst to the owners. However what we do hear about commonly, is livestock.

Ask any farmer in Australia and they will tell you that they've had stock massacred by dogs, occasionally feral but usually pets. Feral dogs don't like light and are usually smart enough not to jump into a paddock where they'll be trapped and prone to discovery by humans. Pet dogs don't have this fear, and are often found covered in blood and gore surrounded by bodies.

Here are some of the stories I was told just from last year. Warning I have included very graphic descriptions so if you don't want to read feel free to skip. I'll summarise at the very end of this post how many stock died for you without the details.

12+ sheep (he stopped counting it was too distressing for him but estimate is around the 20 mark) attacked by dogs. 5 were still alive when he found them, 2 passed away as he went to get his knife. He had to finish 3 off. He doesn't know what time they were attacked but considering most of the blood was dry it was likely many, many hours ago. The dog wasn't caught but it was likely a pet one considering none of the carcasses were consumed at all and the owner lives close to both a university and a town where there are many pet dogs.

23 sheep including lambs and pregnant ewes massacred by two pet dogs. 11 were still alive when found and most needed to be finished off. These dogs had obviously taken great joy in chasing the sheep since all injuries sustained were to the rear with absolutely no scratch on the front end of the sheep. It's likely they chased them, grabbed them and pulled them down, them let them back up and repeated until the sheep collapsed from blood loss and exhaustion. Several of the sheep were missing the tendons in their legs and these tendons were found flung across the paddocks. The two dogs responsible were found on the property, they were playing with a deceased lamb. Throwing it in the air and shaking it. When they caught sight of the farmer approaching them they ran over for pats. I'm unsure what happened to the dogs? I believe the farmer found their owner and gave them a serving but allowed the dogs to live.

3 calves attacked by dog/s. Culprits weren't caught so this one could have been feral, but considering nothing was eaten again doesn't seem likely. 2 of the calves were found deceased, one with chunks taken from both sides so big you could stick your fist inside apparently. The other one was missing her ears and tail but had no other visible injuries asides from tears at her heels. She likely died from shock. The 3rd calf was found still alive, lying on its side with its intestines hanging out. The dogs had crippled its back legs so it couldn't stand or run and then torn open its stomach. It appears that they may have been going to eat the organs but were disturbed or scared off? This calf was shot.

7 sheep killed, 3 pregnant ewes and 2 lambs. I wasn't given details of how they died, or if any were found still alive, however I was told something which is incredibly upsetting. The dog that did this was their own. She was their pet German shepherd who had previously chased sheep but never attacked them. They rehomed her somewhere without other animals.

37 chickens. Once again no details but it was the neighbours pet dogs.

An alpaca who was guarding his herd of sheep died valiantly defending them from two dogs.

Somebody's entire flock of 10 sheep. They'd not long gotten them and since they were pets they were obviously crushed. Dog wasn't caught but was likely another pet considering the lambs bodies appeared to have been shaken around like toys.

That was all during 2018, last year. Please note that if vet treatment was feasible, a lot of these animals would have received it. Their conditions were so poor that there would've been nothing a vet could do asides from euthanasia. Although vet euthanasia is more humane and nicer than a slit throat or bullet through the skull, rural vets often aren't nearby so can take several hours to arrive. Although some cases would come down to money (a vet callout fee is around 100-200 bucks) majority were because these people didn't want to leave their stock in pain while they waited for vets to arrive (they likely would have died before the vet arrived anyway). So please don't come at me about how them putting their stock out of their misery is abuse or anything like that because it's an awful thing to go through and was not a decision made lightly.

All of this I only know from talking directly to the farmers (I'm involved in agricultural shows particularly the sheep and poultry sectors). Two of those people I mentioned are friends of mine. I had SEEN that first examples sheep on the Friday. He'd taken me down and showed me all of them. By the Monday, I think it was? Over half of them were gone. There was one little girl I fell in love with and joked about taking home with me. It crushed me finding out she was one of the ones he had to finish off, left there god knows how long in agony. I'll attach a photo of her because she deserves remembering.

That's livestock, I dread to think what dogs are doing to our local wildlife. Here are a couple cases I've heard about this year for wildlife. Descriptions are brief and not gory.

Pet dog killed a blue tongue lizard found in their yard. She also maimed another one which they got off her and took to the vets (likely euthanised)

Pet dog jumped and pulled a Ringtail possum out of a tree on an early morning walk. Owner got the possum away from it but she was pretty maimed, she was euthanised at the vets.

Pet dog kills big Brushtail possum it found crossing through the yard at night.

Pet dog on a walk takes off on owner chasing a wallaby. Leash wasn't securely being held so is pulled from the owners hand and the dog runs off into bushland after the wallaby. He came back after 10-15 minutes of calling him, muzzle covered in blood. It's unknown what happened to the wallaby.

Oh so many snakes killed by dogs.... people like to brag about their dogs killing snakes so I've probably got 30 stories of this for you. "He was guarding his family like a good boy" "only good snake is a dead snake and (dogs name) here knows it!" "Better the snake than me" "one less snake! I think that's celebration. I hope he gets more"

That last one in particular makes me incredibly angry. Vast majority of snake bites are because people either try to catch or kill the snake, if left alone we wouldn't have as many 'vicious snake attacks' as we do. Many dogs die annually or require antivenon due to being bit while mauling snakes. It's not that hard to train a dog not to touch wildlife.

I think it's great we're becoming more aware of the environmental impact cats have, and are hopefully becoming more responsible cat owners. However education also needs to be raised on how destructive dogs can be. We need to ensure that we're responsible owners and do everything we can to minimise the impact our pets have on both wildlife, and other people's pets.

Livestock summary: 12+ sheep killed, 23 sheep killed, 3 calves killed, 7 sheep killed, 37 chickens killed, 1 alpaca killed, 10 sheep killed. And not a single one was eaten, simply killed for sport.

Here's that gorgeous girl I said I'd attach a photo of, may she rest easy now.