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hyotenhyakkaso · 4 years

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LETS TALK ABOUT VERSES

Verses: (Alphabetical order)

A Place In This World Verse: Jou’s babu years to just before he joined a gang

Number One Verse: Bleach verse lmao

Did It To Myself Verse: UNKNOWN FASJLDFKADS J

Everybody’s Lonely Verse: Jou’s alone in the world and questioning himself and every relationship he’s had. He figures he’s better off alone and everyone’s fine without him so after a vacation he decides to disappear for good. Leaving no trace or evidence that he’d been there at all, like he’s been erased from existence altogether.

Every Heart Verse: InuYasha Au

Fly away Verse: Breath of the wild Au

Hiding In Your Hands Verse: (Main Verse): Jounouchi Katsuya is a part snow leopard due to unfortunate circumstances in his childhood. The rest is history however. ..... Yet, while the Duel monsters world is safe, the real world is not. Jou takes it upon himself to make sure that gang activity doesn’t skyrocket and take down those he sees as a threat to the population. He also adopts four children, Pit, Dark Pit, Jaden and Nimue. Finds a brother in Sora and a sister in Elsa and Anna. His life is weird but its his.

Icarus Verse: Jou works for Kaibacorp for shits and giggles and messes with Seto. He thinks they’re friends while Seto is trying to get used to this. (Exclusive Kaibacorpbros verse)

Killing Time Verse: Literally just crossover verses lmao

Leave Out All The Rest Verse: Oops, Jou fell too deep into his gang life again, he becomes a gang leader and eventually dies from it. He’s shown that he does have loved ones that love him back. The spirit that helps him lets him turn back the clock and fix whatever mistake he made. Endless loop until he figures out what he did wrong and how to fix it.

Loser Baby Verse: Everything from the original deleted blog falls into this verse unless stated otherwise.

Mr Sandman Man Me A Sand Verse: Absolute crack/chaos

Never Get Used To People Verse: Insane Jou au????? Maybe??????

Ready Steady Go! Verse: Fullmetal Alchemist Au (Will eventually be fleshed out when I figure out wtf is going on)

See Me Through Verse: Kingdom Hearts Au taking place in canon. Between the regular villain of the month episodes, Jou’s fighting his own monsters. Literally! Set with his keyblade Starset, he tries

Thank You, Next Verse: He fully comes into himself in this au and quits the gang life for good. He goes to college and goes into car manufacturing business.

Who is In Control? Verse: Jou never leaves his gang leader position, never makes friends with Yugi or Tristan and eventually becomes a bigger problem than Hirotani. No one’s sure who is worse, their previous leader or their current one. The blonds tendency to get himself into danger more often than not nearly get him killed on a regular basis. And he’s starting to realize he doesn’t care if he does.

Verses I’m not sure fall into the above categories or into their own categories: (To be discussed with muns)

Right Here Verse: Exclusive verse with Mutogamingco

Be Somebody Verse: Exclusive Verse with Game-weaver

I’d Lie Verse: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I dunno yet but its like- Exclusive verse with Dungeondicediva

Lullaby for a stormy night Verse: He pretty much unofficially adopts Pit and Dark Pit as his sons and raises them alongside a goddess- (Yeah he’s questioning himself too but he wouldn’t change it)

Shipping Verses:

Monster Verse: Exclusive shipping verse for atlantis-prince. However this also contains Atem’s, Mai’s, Joey’s and other’s fights with Jou about getting together with the evil boi. I need to start containing this to this verse, its starting to bleed into other verses- Namely Hiding In Your Hands.

Must Have Been The Wind Verse: Exclusive shipping verse with Darkheartedprince (?)

Once In A Dream Verse: Exclusive shipping verse with Soraofdestinyislands

The Drug In Me Is You Verse: Exclusive shipping verse with Thiefakefia

Watermelon Sugar Verse: Exclusive shipping verse with Lightheartedwarrior

You Can’t Fight the Moonlight Verse: Exclusive shipping verse with World-duelists: ~I’m in love with the goddess who lives down the street the girl may work at wafflehouse but she dunnt miss a beat (Jaden)~ ~ I want you to remember this when you put yourself down I cannot fear my future now that I have you around (Joey)~

Character Tags:

Atem (millennium-puzzle-spirit): ~I’ll carry you home no you’re not alone keep marching on this is worth fighting for you know we all have battle scars (Atem)~

Atem (Sennenpharaoh): ~See that line well I never should have crossed it stop right there that’s the very moment that I wish that I could take back (Atem)~

Akefia (theifakefia): ~Your secrets keep you sick your lies keep you alive Snake eyes every single time you roll with crooked dice (Akefia)~

Aizen (Bleachintothemultiverse): ~The world you once created inside your dreams is brought to life as it now leads you and I across the distant sky! (Aizen)~

Bakura (tenacioustheif): ~We could set the world alight there is so much you could be if only you'd join me we’d make one hell of a team (Bakura)~

Byakuya (Bleachintothemultiverse): ~Thousands of cherry blossoms dwindling in the light though I can’t hear your voice keep what I say in mind (Byakuya)~

Dark Pit (WinglessArcher): ~You’ll be in my heart no matter what they say you’ll be here in my heart always (Dark Pit)~

Dartz (Atlantis-prince): ~So I will talk to you the only way I know how to I’ve said my speech through sharpened teeth (Dartz)~

Elsa (Iskrone): ~You can lift your head up to the sky Take a deeper breath and give it time You can walk the path among the lines (Elsa)~

Hanataro (Bleachintothemultiverse): ~Though a thousand words have never been spoken they’ll fly to you crossing over the time and distance (Hanataro)~

Jaden (World-Duelists): ~Live in the now and break your confines take ahold of this precious time glory days cause your life is not to trade (Jaden)~

Jaden (Tenebrosity-bulwark): ~Cause now again I found myself so far down away from the sun that shines into the darkest place Im so far down away from the sun (Jaden)~

Joey (Luckyredeyes): ~I’m alive oh yeah between the good and bad’s where you’ll find me reaching for heaven I will fight and I’ll sleep when I die (Joey)~

Joey (World-Duelists): ~When darkness turns to daybreak go out and see for your sake the people of this world may share your pain (Joey)~

Joey (brooklynxsweetheart): ~ I see your monsters I see your pain tell me your problems I'll chase them away I'll be your lighthouse (Joey)~

Mai (ohmaiwhathavewedone): ~Hey sister do you still believe in love I wonder? Oh if the sky comes falling down for you theres nothing in this world I wouldnt do (Mai)~

Mana (mahoushoumonster): ~Cause you cant jump the track we’re like cars on a cable and lifes like an hourglass glued to the table (Mana)~

Mokuba (Kaibacorpbros) ~Daydreamer kidnap me take me back all the way back to them days runnin around in a gown and a crown barefoot (Mokuba)~

Nimue (Tenebrosity-bulwark): ~The most powerful thing you own is your voice scream above the noise that you’re perfect as you are even when times are hard (Nimue)~

Otogi (Dungeondicediva): ~Here’s to us here’s to love all the times that we fucked up here’s to you fill the glass (Otogi)~

Pit (WinglessArcher): ~Come my child stay with me I’ll protect you and your dreams. Rest my child ‘neath the tree like it’s branches reach for me (Pit)~

Seto (Kaibacorpbros): ~Icarus Icarus why you so serious serious? You know you gotta let it go cause you're flying too close (Seto)~

Sora (Asorableisms): ~Though we don't share the same blood. You're my brother and I love you thats the truth. (Sora)~

Sora (Soraofdestinyislands): ~When I’m awake I hide all the chains so you aren’t afraid I can’t stop I cant break I carry the weight for you (Sora)~

Yugi (Game-weaver): ~I'm just the boy inside the man not exactly who you think I am trying to trace my steps back here again so many times (Yugi)~

Yugi (Mutogamingco): ~I wanted to be like you I wanted everything So I tried to be like you and i got swept away I didnt know that it was so cold (Yugi)~

Updated when new verses form!

#Verses #~THIS IS WHAT YOU ASKED FOR~#~IVE DONE IT.~#~AT LEAst the ones I remember~#~Should probably have a parallel Jou verse but my mind is blanking out on songs. I'm gonna count this as done~

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piamii · 5 years

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Taking a mental health day from work today but was really conflicted about how to word it.

Last year I took a few mental health days but there were 6 of us so maybe it was less conspicuous

It’s only me this year and I for some reason keep feeling this push pull with my supervisor to be close and honest with her

Last night I was feeling ok about work. But after once again not sleeping properly I feel like somethings up with me

I’m feeling all the ways I used to feel about my mental health

Being small is not okay, it’s not okay to let go, I’m responsible for all of my clients progress and safety

Which is true in a way but

I also have beeen thinking about the difference between me and my supervisor

She’s the only person I see on a regular basis. Like I see her 4 times a week

So I don’t know how to be myself, a postdoc

I keep comparing myself to her

I wondered to myself would anyone else take a mental health day in my position?

Who cares, others aren’t me

It’s like I forgot I’m extremely sensitive and have been sobbing every day and not sleeping well at all during the weekdays

My nutrition and hydration and shit has been ok, so I’m not getting sick which is the weird part

Im so incredibly emotionally constipated

There are so many incredibly destructive thoughts in my head right now that haven’t been addressed

Things have just gotten increasingly harder for a long time now and I can’t tell where adjustment starts and my dysfunctional mental state ends

Is it really ok for me to say work is too much?

Does it make me pathetic?

Didn’t I feel this way in all previous years too?

2nd year, it wasn’t like this but at least I was more honest with myself about how anxious and nervous I was about work. I definitely took it easy and complained more often. I slept poorly frequently on clinical days and would feel really angry about it. I don’t think I got sick more than once that year

3rd year i wasn’t sleeping quite as poorly but still had sleep problems, hated my commute. That was the year I kind of had to start blocking people out of my life, like not completely but was so down and exhausted that I couldn’t function socially outside of work and school. I didn’t get sick much tho. Definitely noticed SAD symptoms starting this year but to be honest felt somewhat depressed on and off through early winter until spring which is I guess the colder darker months in OR. I think I had some SI but it was towards the end of winter

4th year was when I had more somatic issues. My sleep was honestly not bad that year comparatively speaking but when m and I broke up during internship application season I had a bunch of health issues that resolved shortly after my interviews ended. Tbh internship interviews were a nice reprieve from the dark slump that probably would have hit me if I had just done school in the winter. I had my first sinus infection in spring and went to see Slushii anyways Hahahha.

Internship year... I had a sinus infection too and got a cold maybe 2 other times. Last year was the most I’ve ever gotten sick. I took a mental health day maybe like 3 times and actually used sick days too. I want to say this was the hardest year for me mental health wise until this year in terms of symptoms but the best in terms of self care. By like April/May I was feeling really good about life. Maybe it’s the weather here too idk

This year feels so much harder than the other years combined. I’ve used one sick day and two mental health days and I’m having a hard time understanding where I’m at mental health wise in conjunction with who I need to be to do well at work. It feels like I’m growing at an unmanageable pace. I’ve had the most frequent SI I’ve ever had in my life which is somewhat alarming to me. I’m safe don’t worry but I’m just saying the thoughts coming into my head. My sleep is getting reallynfucked up over these last 2 weeks. I sleep like a baby on the weekends which makes me feel like it’s stress related. On one hand I’m acclimating to this insane amount of stress and on the other hand it feels like every day I’m being stretched open and carved out.

I’m not even ruminating that much before bed anymore. Like I’m not actively distressed like I used to be when things hit me hard last year. I’m just constantly unhappy and anxious this year which I feel like is my lot in life right now. My self care has gotten much better last year and this year, but this year it’s been harder to find ways to relax. Things went downhill really fast, when the seasons finally changed here and I started seeing 4 of my clients in the field. I am most definitely consistently working over 40 hrs a week now. I tried really hard last year to work less whenever I could and honestly the agency was pretty good about giving us a reasonable workload. But now it feels like I’m meeting the real world, where work just comes at you and never says sorry. You had to do extra and stay longer this week? Sucks for you. You have to completely uproot your already untenable schedule because one of your clients has really a really complex risk presentation? Welp that’s the price of doing this work.

Like when I was told the weeks here typically don’t go past 40 hrs I feel like I was lied to. I feel alone and singled out bc I’m the only postdoc this year. I want to know how C felt 2 years ago. If there were 2 of us I feel like I’d be having an okay time. Can you fucking believe they had a hard time building to full caseload last year? It cannot be just me in this position. I want to give up every day.

I don’t feel protected I don’t feel like I can ever let my guard down. There is no one I talk to regularly that I can be honest with. I don’t have the energy to relay this information to the people I do talk to regularly which at this point is my supervisor and M. And like hell im going to tell my supervisor this stuff.

Is this the real world?

Something tells me it is, but I have to find a way through it somehow

I’m still debating about this one client. She’s on my mind a lot and I’m scared which is probably a parallel experience to what her family is experiencing.

The fuck you mean our ethical duty? What am I supposed to take away from that convo? I know I have my own voice and opinion but that made me feel really bad for not doing exactly as you said. I know I tend towards the anxious paranoid side of things but that really scared me because instilll can’t think straight about this client and I sure as hell cant go to you.

The relationship between e and I has changed too, I think she’s overwhelmed too

Something that keeps popping up over and over again is- how fucking awful it would be for a client to complete suicide

I know it happens and it’s time I face that this could happen

It’s a terrifying thought and I almost don’t want to tell anyone that I’m having it

It feels shameful and dangerous to think about, because if I can’t handle it who could?

Who can contain this for me and tell me it’s okay? I don’t want to fucking hear that I should do more

It’s a complex mess of emotions inside my head. I understand why I would need to do more in this situation but there’s no room for it. I want help in trying to balance but my schedule is already unbalanced and bringing me into a dark place emotionally.

What if because I took today off no one sees my hospital patients all week?

Friday is going to suck ass if that’s the case

I could ask my supervisor directly to see them

But I want to be small today

And that would take a lot from me

How does the psychology service work at the hospital during Xmas break?

Uhhhh....

Shit.

I’m scared for some stupid reason that someone will make me stay during break or I’ll have to work some crazy stupid long hours on Friday

I hate ongoing patients bc they still need to be seen but it’s kind of your choice whether or not to see them

It’s like adding an automatic to do to the list every time I’m there but the task takes 2 hrs at least

I’m always scared I have to stay late at the hospital, luckily the latest has been 6:30 but I’m terrified every time I go in that it’s going to be longer

This is new for me and it’s ok to get freaked out

To not have a clear idea how much I am going to work each day and each week really puts me off

I feel pathetic because aren’t there a lot of jobs that are unpredictable like that? Especially once you become salaried ?

My stomach is starting to hurt

It’s weird because I haven’t gotten any somatic symptoms this year but I’ve also been sobbing my eyes out every day so maybe that’s why my body is feeling okay. I haven’t really cried the last few days because I’m just very tired of crying at this point, so maybe that’s why my stomach has been hurting a bit more

Every time m says something nice to me, hell anytime anyone says something nice to me I start to cry and I’m just so fucking done with crying and feeling out of control just to have nothing change and things even get harder at work

Fuck!!!!!

I haven’t properly dealt with this terrified feeling

I have to tell myself this feeling is informative but separate from reality

I’m so fucking scared.

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bennett-fan · 6 years

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What is a smartwatch?

Isnt it funny how it seems as soon as every few years a additional fragment of tech comes along and runs the combined gamut. That is manufacturers later Samsung, Motorola, or Sony scramble every higher than each other aggravating to get the best product to market. Most of them believe the thesame formula and press on it a bit here and there, but its not enormously often a company comes going on subsequent to something essentially unique.

Then once more unique is relative. endure smartwatches for example. I tend to bow to they are extremely unique for one simple defense (and well get to that in a bit), even though others think they are merely a gimmick- a current fad if you will.

5 swap smartwatchesI genuinely understand they are unique because of how popular smartphones are today. Just allow a venture out into the world and observe how many people use their smartphones constantly. One situation we tend to reach later than you have one is for eternity check it for notifications. We all reach it its a habit thats unconditionally hard to break. Thats where smartwatches come in and its along with why I think theyre unique, they can cut beside upon this infatuation to be tethered to a smartphone clearly because they come up with the money for that visual stimulation for you.

One of the most fascinating things that a smartwatch can do, or most of them can anyway, is be close to directly to your smartphone and display notifications, updates and messages right from your wrist. That means you dont even habit to tug your smartphone out of your pocket to check your latest email. You can simply point of view your wrist and glance next to real quick, leaving behind you later the opportunity to remain social or focused on what youre doing.

Okay, so that seems a bit silly later you think nearly it. Theyre helpfully a piece of wearable tech which achievement following a smartphone and eliminate your dependency on tech. The matter is, smartwatches can complete consequently much more than that. Which brings us to our first point, what are smartwatches and what can they do?

What Makes a SmartWatch Smart?

The first issue youre probably going to ask is what makes them suitably smart, right? in imitation of smartphones and smartTVs, smartwatches are considered to be smart because of the features they have to offer. They complete appropriately much more than a within acceptable limits watch, which has a certain strive for to keep track of time.

Its hard to portray smartwatches in their entirety without moving on smartphones too. At this narrowing in time, until a company comes in the works following a enlarged solution, most smartwatches must be paired like a smartphone in order to get the full experience. This is because a smartwatch all by its isolated is truly just nothing but a watch as soon as the talent to manage simple apps.

samsung galazy gear smartwatchThats not to tell a smartwatch isnt useful if you dont have it paired to a smartphone, it just means a lot of the unique functionality is removed from the equation. taking into consideration I said above, thats because a smartwatch generally augments your smartphone by displaying messages, notifications and updates in a more accessible manner.

Most smartwatches have a small capacitive touchscreen display, approximately identical to what youd find on the latest smartphones albeit in a much smaller form factor. Depending on the brand or model of the smartwatch, it operates just next a smartphone. You can install apps on it, customize or personalize it, or just view notifications in realtime.

Of course, some smartwatches dont have a touchscreen, and others have significantly less functionality. It just depends upon the model and brand. For example, the Pebble smartwatch (which first appeared upon the crowdfunding platform Kickstarter) offers all of the above. while the Martian Victory on the supplementary hand is a within acceptable limits smartwatch later a extremely little LCD screen that deserted displays simple notifications.

They change in price and functionality, but theres something approachable for everyone in terms of what you desire out of a smartwatch.

What are the Most Common Uses of a Smartwatch?

Because this ask is enlarged answered considering a immediate and simple bullet list, thats what Im going to use.

Receive and view notifications, messages or updates in realtime right on your smartwatch display Install apps tailored specifically for your smartwatch to move on functionality (only upon prefer models and brands) Personalize or customize the general screen melody and style (for the most allowance this has to reach like visual elements onscreen much next how you personalize your smartphone homescreen, icons, etc.) Keep track of time View manual updates or keep happening bearing in mind important meetings and tasks (select models and brands only) Looking good, or gone a unquestionable geek (depends upon how you see it and what model you select) Listen to music or collision and grind down (depends upon the model) What a Smartwatch Cant realize Well

You cant evaluate a smartwatch without after that outlining what they are not talented of doing, as a result over heres a bulleted list.

Smartwatches are not good for recommendation consumption, that is you dont want to use them to entrance extended text content or news Handle smartphones tasks and functions directly, or in extra words dont expect to be practiced to reply messages, emails or feint similar deeds right from your smartwatch Use apps designed for a smartphone, because most apps infatuation to be tailored specifically for the smaller screen and being activated from your wrist Snapping photos effectively, even if Im certain someday smartwatches will increase inline cameras (everything does these days) I dont see a practicable pretension to take on images later your wrist Play games, in my guidance touchscreen controls are difficult sufficient to direct forget having to distress a virtual joystick on such a little screen like one hand Offer unbelievable style, dont acquire me wrong there are some astonishing looking smartwatches out there and some of them even get beautiful darn near to mammal stylish (I personally love more minimalistic style watches), but a bulky wristwatch just isnt trendy to most Please keep in mind that the points made above are generalized. Not everyone will take over in the manner of them and some may have a alternating opinion, which is fine. allow the latter tapering off approximately style, for example. I personally have no concentration in style nor accomplish I care whether or not a smartwatch looks good. In fact, I tone that some of the watches see damn good, even sitting on a wrist. That mammal said, this list offers more of an mean entre to what smartphones cant do.

All Things Considering, Should I purchase a Smartwatch?

To be perfectly honest, no one can in point of fact reply this question but you and its legal of all things not just smartwatches. I wholeheartedly suggest work a fair amount of research into a supplementary piece of tech taking into account a smartphone or smartphone since admin to a local buildup and plopping down the cash. There are consequently many rotate brands and models to pick from, and thus many every second functions that they can total or not count up at all. You want to pick the model and brand thats right for you.

Worse yet, salesmen at most retail stores have some idea of what a product can complete but youd be hard-pressed to locate a valid expert. Admittedly, even someone subsequently myself who is high and dry in the world of technology, gadgets and computers doesnt know every there is to know. That is because there are correspondingly many brands, models, or product types there is no habit to know absolutely everything.

To put it bluntly, an Apple guru wont be competent to accustom the assist of an Android device and vice versa (unless of course they use both platforms upon a regular basis).

The dwindling here is that you desire to see at the strengths, weaknesses and features of every models and pick the one that fits your needs best. Looking at the points made above, attain you think a smartwatch will be worth your money? pull off you tone that a smartwatch can attain what you want it to? If the reply is no, and you want a particular feature or play in that hasnt been implemented still then you should retain off.

The technology will help in the coming years, and that means smartwatches will build up to the lessening where they can accomplish more than whats listed here. keep this information in mind later than once your neighboring purchase, and you cant go wrong.

#smartwatch #watches #watch

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she-rules-her-own-world · 6 years

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Dear Mr Rawr Rawr

Are you proud of us? Do we still make you smile when we do something great?

Out of the four of us... only two of us talk on a regular basis. I liked keeping up with the rest of them but i guess they didnt do the same with me.

H has a almost 2 year old? Thankfully she left her baby daddy. She deserved somebody so much better than him. But we dont talk with her anymore. I know you didnt like her that much but i am sure that you still watch over her.

A is pregnant. But i am sure you have been watching over her too. She is still one of my close friends but i know she can lead a better life. Im scared that all she is going to be is the country boys perfect wife. Barefoot and in the kitchen pregnant... i dont want that life for her. But she doesnt have a GED and that worries me. I want her to get it. I do but i dont have the authority to push her to do anything anymore.

Your actual daughter.. shes a trip. She has been since you have been gone... cant believe its been 6 years already. We all miss you like crazy.. Im probably always going to write these letters because i loved talking to you. I’m sorry i blocked your daughter on facebook and instagram. I couldnt handle it. I tried reaching out to her after her fight with A but i guess that she just doesnt want to deal with me. I dont understand how she works... Constantly cheating on her boyfriend... i dont know. Its funny to think that the three of us were thinking about getting tattoos together this time a year ago. Funny how life throws curveballs at you.

Maybe one day we will all be talking again... I dont think it is going to happen for a while since they kicked A out for not finding a job.. and since her, A and TJ and some other kid got herpes... and tj and her fell in love. Wow our friend group is a mess.. Can you believe that? lol probably considering we were a mess when it was originally just the 4 of us... wow 3 of us dated the same person...

Then theres me. I dont know how much you keep tabs on my life.. Im not dating my highschool sweetheart anymore... we broke up my sophmore year in college... I had a fling with one of my guy friends... which is why i broke up with J. he ended that fling second semester. Then i started a best friend flirtatious ship with my other guy friend and that lasted a while and we were dating for a bit too but that ended because i said no too much and he needed sex.. Can you believe that? Im sure you know this and have known this since i was the 10 year old hanging out at your house.. Im asexual. Which means i dont have sexual feelings towards people... it doesnt mean that i dont have sex. Because i have... but some of my friends think that i have just had bad sex and thats why i dont like it...

I dont think that is the case at all.. Im just not a sexual being.. i never really have been. I dont like thinking about other people doing the dirty. I dont like putting that label even on myself.

Did you ever see me as uptight? i hope not. because i dont think i was.. I was too self aware to be uptight. Your wife called me uptight and that she was happy that i was finally “letting loose” im not sure if that is really how i feel though...

Last summer was a show.I was trying to find myself in places that i couldnt. I still had people surrounding me and pressuring me to do things.

I hope this summer is different in the way that i can actually find myself.. that i actually figure it out. Figure out what i want to do with this stupid math degree that i am pursuing. With the science literacy minor. I hope that i can accomplish that this summer. I hope that you are still watching over us with all that love that you had. I wish that one day i will get to meet you again and you will say you are proud of all of us even though we did some pretty stupid shit.

we all miss you

love

Nikki

#mr. rawr rawr #rawr rawr #rar rar #miss you #one day #i hope to see you again #thank you #i like writing to you #even if you dont get them #i like letters #i can explain myself better in them

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anathemanonymous · 4 years

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Spilling it in the first person: truths I need to accept

Well, it's not going well. I feel like I am not moving forward,but backward. I held myself back by trying to do the right thing.

I gave you the whole house in trade for my freedom. There was no end date on the agreement. It simply stated you would get the property and all the responsibility of the associated bills. It also stated you would agree to hold me harmless.

Well, that didnt happen.

I'm still stuck 4 years after leaving. The attorney told me not to pay off the foreclosure but I did. Twice. I stopped the process of filing contempt in August. She was livid. She offered me the option to have you removed from the house and I could keep it. Well, I had just signed the apt lease. A one year contract. How was I supposed to afford two house payments? I didn't want that responsibility. I left the house to prove I wasnt married to this man for the money. He refused to leave. So I did.

Both our names remain on the title. Bank cant take me off. You refuse to sell. You cannot afford to refinance.

What are you trying to do here?

As I am being held in place by obligation you insist upon complaining about how it is my fault that you are suffering. How you are refusing to cooperate. Refuse to work or pay bills. Refuse to accept that I left. Refuse to reach out or grow in healthy ways. Refuse to stop drinking or doing drugs. Refuse to try to improve our shitty relationship. Refuse to reach out to your own child. Refuse to sell the house. Refuse to clean it. Trick me into calling off the attorney at the last foreclosure: you say you will pay me back the $5500 and we can fix up the house. I tell you how uneasy I feel about this deal. You tell me to trust you.

I clean and clean on my days off work and you sit and ridicule and drink. You tell me it's no rush. You literally have no money to fix it up. I have gone round and around with Fred at the agency to get him to agree to put the house on the market and how we need to sell to a qualified buyer. How to ensure no consequences from this home being doomed. How to do the right thing. How to honor the promises to the agency and to the bank. Its ridiculous how often I've triaged with your mother. How many phone calls and notes kept on the research of creating a plan to salvage the property and you.

And you. I have given you money. I have paid your debts. I have taken you to the doctor. I set you up for evaluation of ADHD. You cry about your health. You cant get off the couch. You cry about being broke, depressed with no reason to live. When I speak to you, you continue to put me down, to accuse me of never caring. You accuse me of malicious crimes against you for the past 16 years. You claim I just used you. My entire life was built around supporting you. You accuse me of going against you deliberately. You blame for your behaviors of rude comments and refusals to cooperate or participate in anything related to parenting or household chores or budgeting or my feelings. I was threatened by your recklessness. I was doomed to being overly responsible but got nothing but contempt in return.

There wasn't peace. There wasnt love. No support. Constant arguments and blow ups. Constant strife. Constant pain. Carrying your weight twice my size. Trying to rape me. Trying to negate me. Trying to minimize me. Criticizing every fucking thing I did or said or believed. Faking it in front of your friends and parents. Giving nothing but expecting me to provide for your every need on a whim. Needing help with your business books, spending hours only to be discredited and rejected. You put your shit first. You blocked my path with your messiness. You left it all up to me but gave me no credit, no control and no power. Then accuse me of doing the same to you. You ridiculed my hobbies, my goals, my dreams. You chose your friends over me. You drank to the point of black out every day. You stopped working. Your buisness partner abandoned you even after he stole from the business account, you kept him around. You kept giving him your share of our household bills instead of pay our bills. So I paid. You stole my tax returns for years. You were rude and inconsiderate toward how any of your shitty choices affected me and our family. You have withheld love and given only pain. You ignored my feelings and needs. And now you complain and claim to suffer worse than me?

What about me??

To top it off: after moving out and returning on a regular basis to check in with you even as you deliberately were harming me financially and emotionally...I get hate when I remove the loaded guns in the house bc you're suicidal from all the drugs and no sleep and not eating and not working and I worry and I feel sorry and I want to keep things normal so I see the mess and try not to do the cleaning, the yardwork.

I play with the dogs and feed them and you always leave when I arrive ...or start an argument until you chase me away.

After 4 years of being ridiculed and blamed....instead of being heard and validated.

I have to actually accept that you are openly and intentionally holding me hostage financially and emotionally. You admit it on text. Your mother claims you were just drinking and you didnt mean it. What will it take to justify my actions?

Its been 4 years of waiting on pins and needles. Of not breathing. Or being stuck. Not to mention the 7 years before I left the house. Trying to fix things.

Looking back, I've never received emotional support from you. Other than to stay away from my family.

I have a hard time accepting the fact that you didn't improve yourself when I left. You got worse. You stopped trying long before I left. And I hoped you would recognize how awful you'd become. I was risking a chance that you would change into a responsible adult. Learn to care for me in real ways. Appreciate me, quite frankly. I was looking for appreciation. Recognition. Acceptance. Acknowledgement. The elements of love.

I left because there was no love.

It was the right thing to do.

Unhealthy relationships are meant to fall apart.

Blame me or blame you. It doesn't matter. It takes two to have a relationship. It becomes one sided.

Wait. It was always one sided. I wanted to believe it was a mutual relationship. I dreamed it. I created the illusion of it. But it could not be felt. Bc it was a mirage. It only looked like something real. It felt empty. Like a shell. Like a home without a foundation. Ready to fall apart like a Hollywood studio prop.

I was lying to myself the whole time.

The only way out now is to tell the truth. To let shit fall apart by not adding to it. To stop putting in.

But it feels wrong to let my house go into foreclosure. It feels wrong to file with a lawyer. It feels so wrong to do nothing to help, on purpose. Yet it is the right way. Right? This world is absolutely ridiculous. Just fucking back breaking and disheartening. People are so viscous. Banks and lawyers. Without hearts. Empty motherfucking shells of humans.

I knew the truth but didn't want to face it. Denial is so powerful. It can change the way you see things. Or exclude what you do not want to see. Or feel.

I wanted to believe love could make my dream come true, become real. Make me real.

All the proof was in your actions. Fighting me every step of the way. Calling me crazy. You're right. It is crazy to live that way. I agree.

So if it's TRUE : then I have to accept the reality that you don't care about me. Either you cant, or you are just unwilling. You say you love me. But what does love mean? It seems you only care that I care for you. How much I can give and prove that I care. Prove by sacrificing my needs, time, money, energy.

Every fiber of my being is going against the fact that the only way out of this situation is divorce and foreclosure of my home. Abandoning you. Why does it feel unethical and immoral? Huge conflict within.

I tried to help you and to salvage my credit, I have spent over $15,000 to bail it out . ..because I'd already put so much into it that I want to keep on the same path. I dont want a different anonymous path. I want to stay where its familiar. But then again, why? I've never been happy on this path. From experience, moving on does not guarantee happiness either.

I'm standing my ground. I'm honoring my values of integrity and refusing to tolerate abuse and nonsense.

But yes it's hard to move on bc I am ever-wanting to keep convincing myself and the world ...proof of how mature and dedicated I am, of my own goodness, my own kindness, my own value.

If my value rests on a successful career in marriage then I have discredited myself. I have failed to be a quality product. Yikes.

..because I hid behind it, and I'd do anything to keep up the facade. I am afraid to be seen as alone, maybe. I am afraid to stand up against the abuse bc it means I have failed. That I am faulty. Not worthy. Maybe I asked for it. Or deserve it.

Shame is a terrible feeling.

By the virtue of which I choose to honor, I thereby become less valuable. I protected your reputation. I kept silent. I protected my own reputation as well. Now I am throwing it out the window. Breaking a promise to myself to never do that again. Yes, I have experienced this all before. Many times. Throughout my lifetime. I had to destroy my own identity.

Because I could pretend I belonged. I could pretend I had a healthy relationship and family. But the sacrifice was too much. And I was so off-balance. I was shut off. Closed down. Depressed. Sick.

You refused to lie for me. So I left. We dont have to keep pretending to play house. Maybe that disappointed me. You want to play cops and robbers. I refused. Lol. Whatever.

And maybe the ultimate cage I try to break free from is being forced to stay small, a repeating pattern from throughout my entire childhood. It is the shame I carry. The unworthy nature of my wounded inner child.

When confronted with opening up I remain skeptical and scared. I beat myself up. I feel rejected, disillusioned, hurt, betrayed, and I am ashamed of showing that I am being harmed. I am am afraid to speak up. When I do, I get shut down by you, your family, my attorney, the court, society.

This triple whammy has knocked me off my feet every time I try to stand up. I feel insulted by the slights of neighbors, the sounds of the outside world. I speak up against emotional manipulation and I feel the feather of rejection like a sledgehammer.

... I am accused of being crazy. I post on social media. I get very little support. The message I'm receiving is: your perception is inaccurate, we all have a human right to happiness and respect but you should be ashamed of exposing yourself like that. It makes you look vulnerable, it tarnishes our code of taboo subjects, think about your reputation, bc we as a society are not comfortable with displays of vulnerability. Call a hotline or something.

You know what? I dont need a fucking hotline. My counselor didnt even recognize me during our last phone session. Fuck this system. I'm on my own. And if I have to become more viscous and bitter to fit in, I prefer to stand alone.

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mikecardenmpreg · 7 years

Text

recovery, etc.

so its been just about a year since i got back into therapy and i just want to say this because i didnt make it clear enough when it happened. when i went in for my intake session last december, they wanted to hospitalize me. like. that day. right then. they didnt even want to finish the interview. they just wanted to admit me. because people reporting numbers like mine were in hospitals on suicide watch. they did not want me to leave the premises. i had to assure them that i wasnt going to kill myself (even though i knew that wasnt a promise i could make). i had to sign a CONTRACT promising i would not kill myself before my first therapy session. the intake specialist was skeptical but he let me go (though he had no idea how i was able to function on a daily basis - jokes on him though because i wasnt functioning at all). he had a look in his eye that told me he wasnt sure letting my leave was a good idea. when i went to my first therapy session with ann a few weeks later, she also wanted to hospitalize me and again i found myself assuring someone i didnt know that i wasnt going to kill myself (and that still wasnt a promise i could make). a year ago i was so sick that i was nearly hospitalized for my own safety and for the safety of others. i smiled and joked and laughed through it all. i reblogged relatable sad posts. i tried not to make it seem like it really bothered me. but i was barely hanging on.

i got my diagnosis on december 13th. i didnt talk to ann much but i told her just enough for her to deduce i had bpd. its something i knew for at least two years. i sat with my knees to my chest the entire session, uttering a few words here and there, picking at the fraying knees of my jeans. she took notes. she told me my numbers were concerning, that people with numbers like these are generally in inpatient care. i stared. nothing behind my eyes. i was a shell. she said “hopefully next time we meet youll be more comfortable with me and we can talk some more”. i felt like an asshole for sitting there and wasting her time. i thought i was a lost cause. i thought there was no way i was gonna get better.

and for the longest time i didnt. i was hurting so much. i was separated from all my friends and still dealing with the aftermath of not one but two absolutely devastating (at the time) rejections. i wanted to kill myself so badly but didnt have the means to do it efficiently and effectively (ive always been too scared to actually try to kill myself in case it didnt work - something ive told my therapist). i felt like the biggest fucking loser. i remembered the summer of 2012 and thinking (back then) that there was no way i could feel worse than i did then. i was wrong. how i felt in december 2016 through january-march 2017 was the worst ive ever felt in my entire life. looking back its mostly static. dont remember a lot of it. all i remember is being angry and suicidal and wanting to hurt everyone around me.

in april i started dbt. it took awhile for me to get into the class. ann had me take other classes to help cope with my other problems (anxiety mostly) and helped me process some of my issues until i could get into dbt. borderline is a little out of her area of expertise but she knows how to listen and is very very good at validating all my little hang ups (i love my therapist).

it took me a few weeks to see the value in dbt. for the first few months all it did was dredge up old shit and trigger me until i was hollow and numb. every week it felt like i was being ripped open and flayed. every week i got to relive a different traumatic memory. every week i disassociated to keep myself safe in this room of strangers (who were also disassociating to keep themselves safe). (disassociation is not a healthy coping mechanism)

but then i went on medication for my depression and anxiety and the combination of that, dbt, and regular therapy sessions actually began to like work? like? thats wild? and i started to see changes in my life because i was learning how to communicate appropriately and deal with my trauma effectively. and i stopped dwelling on the things that made me feel bad and started diving in to the things that made me feel good. i started spending more time with friends and reaching out and actually putting an effort into being a better friend. i started being honest and open with my parents about my progress rather than being super secretive and hiding things. and somehow the constant stress dreams and nightmares and violent thoughts and suicidal ideations stopped. i was finally able to enjoy things again. i was even able to spend time with my parents and actually enjoy it. hell i even looked forward to seeing them and talking to them (which is a really fucking big deal).

there have been slip ups along the way. things have happened that have really bent me out of shape. but i was able to deal with those things and recover. last december i was prepared to ruin every relationship i had. i told my parents to not come to my graduation. i almost deleted all my friends phone numbers and unfollowed them on all social media so i never had to speak to them again. i was ready to isolate myself from everyone so that when i killed myself (which i was getting ready to do) i wouldnt hurt anyone.

im not gonna say that i cant believe that person then and the person i am now are the same people because i can absolutely believe it. there are times when i want to go back to my old ways because regressing is a lot easier than constant progress. and getting better doesnt always have 100% positive results. ive learned a lot about myself and others along the way. ive had to sever ties. ive learned that some people arent capable of change. ive learned that sometimes taking a break from the people you love the most is the best thing you can do for yourself (and for them). ive had to have hard conversations because getting better has forced me to learn that you gotta actually work for what you want.

i havent been perfect this whole time either. i still havent learned how to value my own feelings over the feelings of others or how to accept that other people care about me. im sure some day i will. a year of therapy isnt going to fix everything. but some day ill have a breakthrough.

the whole point of this though is that if i can make it through my darkest moments and turn my shit around....anyone can. but its important to know beforehand that its a process. nothing happens overnight. nothing happens in a month. recovery is something you have to work at day and night for the rest of your life. its something you have to want. it doesnt come easy and its not pleasant. its not all soothing baths and flowers and handwritten journals. its crying and screaming and addressing your past traumas and welcoming them into your home like theyre family (and then accepting that they happened but not letting them dictate your every move). its being honest - brutally honest - with not only yourself but with others. its letting go of people you love and learning to exist in the void of loneliness (until the people you love learn to accept the new you). its showing up every week (or month or whatever) and saying something for once, even if you think its stupid, even if you think its irrelevant. recovery is ongoing. im about to finish my first year. i still have a lot of work to do and im actually kind of excited to do it? which is cool considering my contingency plan has always been to kill myself.

anyway. i just wanted to say that. i dont pat myself on the back very often but ive accomplished a lot this last year. and not gonna lie but ive referred to myself as “most improved patient” in my head multiple times these past few months. im in a pretty okay place right now. im glad im still here (despite the world getting worse literally every day). im glad i have people i can share that with. and i hope some day soon i can return the love and support ive been given tenfold :)

#suicide mention #long post #very long and personal post

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alicedoessurveys · 7 years

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loooooong survey

Childhood

Did you spend your childhood time with mostly real or imaginary friends?: real. I spent most summers/half terms with my cousins and my neighbour’s grandkids. Did people consider you an odd child?: not odd, just shy Do you have memories that go back to when you were only a few months old?: nope Do you remember any thoughts you had when you where very young?: not really nope

Were they intricate or simple thoughts?: probably simple but I can't remember

If you answered “intricate”, give an example of one of those thoughts: n/a

Were you dreams very vivid as a child?: yes, still do. I also used to get really bad night terrors a lot as a kid What is the strangest memory you have from early childhood?: can't think of anything strange.. Were you a child prodigy or did you display any gifts at a young age?: I drew a lot, but I was no prodigy What was the most “grown-up” thing you ever said as a child?: I have no idea What were your favourite TV shows in early childhood?: I grew up on Fairly Odd Parents, Rugrats, Tracy Beaker Were you afraid of monsters?: yes, especially zombies Did you believe that fictional characters were real?: yes Were you more quiet and artistic or loud and physical? quiet and artistic Issues and stuff Do you eat meat?: yup, but only beef, chicken and bacon/sausage If you do, what is your justification for it?: I dont feel I need to justify it, just like I wouldn't expect a vegetarian to justify why they dont eat meat. each to their own. If you could legalize 3 things in the US, what would they be?: I dont live in the US, I dont really know their laws and I dont really care Do you believe in the death penalty?: nope Did Mumia do it?: do what..? If you had a choice, which country would you have chosen to be born into?: I like that im English, I just wish I was born in a different part of England cause Birmingham is a shit hole What are your opinions of Michael Moore?: I dont know who that is Describe your feelings about marijuana legalization: I think it should be for those who need it for medical stuff Red, White and Blue is a ghastly color combination, right?: nope What television news coverage do you detest the most?: all of it, I dont watch the news What will you do if Bush is re-elected? Im British, I dont care Which state do you think will drop off into the ocean first?: idk Who do you consider “American Heros”? I feel like these questions are very aimed at Americans Completely Obtuse And Silly Questions Have you ever taken something apart just to see how it worked? yes Do you ever yell at the television while you are alone? Reason?: not yell, but talk to the telly yeah. and not even just while im alone. Name a few things (if any) that you bought on Ebay recently: I cant remember the last time I bought something off eBay Are the Muppetes sinister? Think about it.: nope... o.O Do you watch the Science Channel (Discovery) on a regular basis?: no ive never watched it Ever gotten into an “in person” argument with a total stranger? Discuss: yup. basically I was at this event thing where they had boats and pretty floating lights and shit on a river. we had waited all day to see them and when they were finally coming past we couldn't see them because it was so crowded and there was a “security guy” stood in the way. There was kids infront of me who kept saying they couldn't see because of him so I yelled “MOVE” and he turned around and started arguing with me. Long story short, he eventually moved out the way and found a space where he wasn't blocking anyones view and the people around me thanked me. I felt so awkward after cause im not a confrontational person at all but I was so tired & irritated that I just snapped. Sugar or Honey?: Sugar What’s on your desk right now?: im not sat at my desk atm How many e-mails do you recieve a day?: about 20 Do you think that time travel is a possibility?: no Are you slightly addicted to online tests and surveys?: not addicted, I just enjoy doing them to pass time San Francisco or New York City?: ive never been to either, but I would like to go to New York What are your favorite color combinations?: grey and light blush pink looks nice Close your eyes and type the first random image that pops into your head: I cant because im listening to hairspray so thats all I can see right now Do you enjoy night or day better?: depends what im doing Favorite animal: Dogs Have you ever been to a protest?: Nope, but ive ended up in the same place as a protest was taking place and it was horrible Aggravated a cop on purpose?: No Ever gone train hopping/ridden the rails?: Nope If you could choose a time period in which to live, which would it be?: I’m fine with this one Ever put your hand through a window?: no List a few words you hate the sound of: the c word And a few you like the sound of: idk Are you sick of this survey yet? not really Emotions And Such Have you attempted suicide more than once?: No Cutting?: Yes Do you get violent when you are angry?: Not with people, just with myself or just like throw stuff on the floor like a brat Which emotion are you most consumed by?: fear Are you highly emotive?: Yes Do you discuss problems or keep them to yourself?: keep them to myself, and if I do discuss them I downplay or make jokes Do you fall in love easily?: not in love, but I do fall for people too easy What age/year was the most difficult for you?: around ages 19-now How do you channel your anger/sadness?: shut myself away and cry Ever been addicted to alcohol or drugs?: No

Ever been homeless?: No List a few simple things that make you happy: playing sims, Tumblr, theatre When were you most recently your happiest?: hanging out with nick and Addison the other day Do you consider yourself empathetic?: yes Friends Do you have friends that are drastically different from each other?: my main group of friends is only like 3 people and they have their differences but not drastic differences List a few key traits that all of your friends have in common: my friends are all into gaming, watching films & eating Do you keep in touch with friends from high school?: yes, two of my best friends are from school Have you lost touch with many of your friends?: almost everyone I become friends with end up losing touch in the end but ive been friends with Addison for 10 years and Rhys for 20 years Are they mostly local or long distance?: local When you go out with friends, what kinds of things do you do?: usually go to the arcade, cinema and get food Have you ever been betrayed by a close friend?: yes If yes, are you still friends with that person?: no Are your friends mostly your age, younger or older?: rhys & Addison are 23, nick is 25, I am 22

Do you have a hard time making friends because most people bore you?: no, I have a hard time making friends because im socially awkward Do you like to hang out with friends one-on-one or in groups?: groups, it takes the pressure off in conversations Which of you online friends do you have the most in common with?: I dont have any online friends Family Are you close to your family?: yes What traits are you glad you inherited from them?: faithfulness & a good sense of humour What sitcom does your family most remind you of?: I cant think of anything other than that me and my mom are a lot like Miranda and her mom from the sitcom ‘Miranda’ Does your family live locally or far away?: local Have you ever stopped speaking to someone in your family?: yes Have either of your parents died?: no, thank god Is your family very much like you or are you opposites?: a lot like me How many siblings do you have?: one older sister Has your family ever thrown food at each other?: yes, every christmas season we throw chocolates at each other from the Quality Street or Roses tins Are the holidays a nightmare or a time of joy?: I love Christmas Day and I normally love christmas shopping but this year I found it all very stressful because I was so busy at the theatre and I had no money to buy gifts Do you look like your parents?: ive been told I do List one interesting fact about your family: apparently my dads side of the family is descended from royalty Lovers Gay, Straight, Bi-sexual or no idea?: Straight Married/partnered?: Single Ever gone out with someone you were embarrassed to be seen with?: no Ever broken someones heart?: someone I “dated” in infant school told me when we reunited in senior school that I broke his heart. but I didn't actually do anything so I dont know where he got that from How many serious relationships have you had?: none Have you ever lusted obsessively over someone you knew you couldn’t have?: not obsessively lusted, but I have fancied guys that I knew nothing could ever happen. Do you believe in the theory of soulmates?: yes Ever cheated?: No Been cheated on?: No Thrown someones stuff out on the lawn/stairs/etc.?: Nope Had your stuff thrown out on the lawn/stairs/etc.?: Nope Most important emotional qualities of a lover?: someone who makes me feel happy and can make me smile, makes me feel comfortable, is caring, trustworthy, honest, affectionate Most important physical qualities?: I dont think physical qualities are super important but I do fall for peoples eyes & smile Food & Drink Non-alcoholic beverage of choice: cherry coke or caramel hot chocolate Alcoholic beverage of choice: cider Foods you crave on a regular basis: chocolate

Salsa and Chips or Pita and Hummus?: neither Meat or Tofu?: Meat Soup or Salad?: soup Soda or Juice?: Soda Can I get you anything else?: You didn't get me anything..? :’) Favorite candy:: chocolate in general Favorite food to make: lasagne

Food brand that you hate?: idk Do you try to buy all organic?: nope Favorite fast food?: mcdonalds Final Questions Ever had a great song ruined for you after it was used in a commercial?: yes

Ever yelled at an SUV?: nope A Hummer?: Nope Ever faked being sick to get out of going somewhere?: yes If you could turn back time and change one thing, what would it be?: stay in college Bambi or Nemo?: Nemo List 3 things that are worrying you right now: 1, money. 2, a meeting I have to go to next week that im absolutely dreading. 3, I have this constant annoying anxiety that tells me my friends dont actually like me and that I get on everyones nerves. Do you think you’ll ever have children if you don’t already?: not my own now, but I hope to adopt Do you think there is life on other planets?: no Have you ever broken a leg or arm?: nope Would you rather stay in the house or do things outside: depends on my mood David Letterman or Jay Leno?: I dont know who they are Last words?: Bye

#survey #long

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phoenixrocket1987 · 7 years

Text

A Nod to the Fatherless

Part of why I am writing this blog in general is to put my thoughts out there and to hopefully help people along the way. Not knowing my biological father is not a new phenomena. It is something that many have dealt with and I am no different. So here is my story. My biological is alive and I do know what he looks like and have even spoken to him on the phone a couple of times. Growing up was always a little different for me. I had a mother who assumed both roles of mother and father, a grandmother, uncle, and grandfather. We all lived together and in different combinations from time to time. To say my family was abnormal and non nuclear would be an understatement. I was always a jealous kid. Jealous of those who had dads and more importantly good meaningful relationships with them. I had fatherly type figures in my life. My uncle and grandpa would assume those roles at times as they were needed, Im not sure if they even knew that or were just living their life. My uncle had a daughter who my jealousy was displayed toward on a more than regular basis when she was around. She would come to stay with us for 45 days every summer, and my job or so I made it was to make her life a living hell. Now at the time I didn't know that what I was feeling was jealousy. My actions I still feel terrible about to this day. If she would talk to the family now I would apologize. I lost my uncle in 2000 and my grandfather in 2004. Both hit me very hard, I was 13 and 17 respectively. It was after my pas death that I listened to other family members and decided that I needed to seek out my biological. I called him, he was more receptive than I thought but when I asked why he wasn't around he told me to ask my mother. I had, and that was the problem. I was willing to hear his side of the story. My parents were young and dumb they had me when I was 18 I believe. Both too young to have kids. That's not to say you cant be that age and have kids but they weren't ready for it I don't think. So his answer was disappointing to me since I had talked to my mother and she had always been open about the situation and still is to this day. The emotion that I struggled with the most was anger. It is something that I still struggle with to this day. I have a much better handle on it than I did in years past. It was hard for me to deal with the situation. I would ask myself "what did I do wrong?" Or "What is wrong with me?" For those that are reading this that are in the same situation know that none of it is your fault. You did nothing wrong. I struggled growing up being in situations where dads were around. Particularly when it came to sports. I always had support of some kind in the stands but it always bothered me a little when kids would be greeted by their dads after a game with a "great job," and though I got those it never really held the same as if a dad would have told me the same thing. It is because of these feelings that I lashed out all through my youth. I would get mad, argue, hit things, fly off the handle. When I was confronted with the cause of it and eventually broke down to say it was because I didn't know my father I was always told things like "You're better off without him," or "You shouldn't worry about that," these are great in theory and easy to say by anyone but no one understood how I felt. There were times that I felt alone, felt wrong, useless, and a number of any other negative emotion that you can think of. I know my family thought they were helping by telling me not to worry, but that didn't make my feelings go away, those were just words. My mom dated and even married at one time but those guys always went away, after I would get attached. Sometimes I would blame myself not understanding that what happened between adults was between adults and didn't have as much to do with me. So here is what I have learned in 30 years of living. While I am no expert on this topic I have dealt with it for my whole life. My feelings are what they are. There is nothing that can change that but time and forgiveness. To answer the question you may be asking, yes I have forgiven him but not in the traditional sense. I have not vocally said to him yes I forgive you. I have just gotten to a point in life that I do not worry about it, because I gave it power over me. In taking power over the situation there was a sort of forgiveness that took place. I don't let it bother me in the ways that I did when I was younger. I have 2 siblings through him that I have met and gotten to know. It is awkward for a number of reasons but I have always wanted to know them since I knew of their existence. I also never held anything against them because he was a dad to them. But they had nothing to do with the situation. I am glad that they have accepted me and allowed me into their life. After years of talking to those I trust and reading others experiences I learned that it wasn't my fault and I am and will continue to be ok. I do now have a wonderful stepfather who I get along with greatly. While I may never understand the relationship between a father and a son I am glad he is in my life and I have someone I can talk to. The situation is what it is and I know that one day I will be an amazing father because I don't want any kid to have to deal with what I have dealt with. That is the greatest gift that my father could have given me. To those who may or may not be reading this. Those that may be in a similar situation or just want to talk about it. I keep my inbox open for you. Please don't hesitate to reach out.

#fathers #father #fathersday #fatherless #nofathersday #depression #anxiety #positivity #help

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namjoonbby1 · 7 years

Text

Betrayal

Pairing - Hoseok x Reader

Genre - Murder AU

Word Count - 3k

Part 4/?

Synopsis - When y/n’s husband is accused of murder she’s sure he’s innocent. But as detectives find clues that point to him as the perpetrator, will she stand for her husband or against him?

A/n - Idunno if anyone reads this but if you do enjoy (:

Preview Part One Part Two Part Three

Masterlist

suspicion

a feeling or thought that something is possible, likely, or true.

Trust is one of the most important things you can have in a relationship. Without it, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship.

I wish I could say that things got better when Hoseok picked me up but it didnt. At least I was able to sleep, as soon as we arrived back to our house I passed out. I was drained and my bed never felt so comfortable. In the morning Hoseok woke me up, letting me know that he had the maid run me some warm bath water and breakfast was being made for me. The bath was relaxing, I was able to clear my mind even if just for a second before Hoseok came into the bathroom with a cup of coffee in hand.

"How are you feeling this morning?" He asked handing me a mug full of the black liquid and sitting in the love seat I had in my bathroom. His eyes furrowed a bit as if he was worried but also upset.

"I'm fine just a little headache." I answered taking a sip of the coffee. It was bitter and disgusting, I hated black coffee and my husband knew that. I wasn't sure if he was punishing me for getting so drunk or if he just wanted me to sober up. Maybe both.

"I'm so sorry that my actions caused you to feel the need to get so drunk. Ive never seen you like this before." He said. He seemed extremely apologetic and my heart hurt a little.

"I just, I just thought I was over what you did to me. But now it feels like I'm reliving it, and I thought I could trust you but I can't."

"I'll do whatever I need to do to regain your trust. I may have not been honest about how many times I was with her, but I want to be honest about everyting moving forward." He said.

I wanted so badly to believe him, to put all of my faith in him and never think about the situation again. But we had tried that. I thought that I knew the whole truth and was blissfully unaware that I was in fact, being decieved.

"Okay. What else do you want to tell me?" I asked.

"Well I wasn't completely honest about where I was the night Mina died."

"Where were you Hoseok?" I asked sternly.

"I went to meet her." He said.

"You cant be serious?" I said rubbing my head. I thought that my headache was fading but it had only gotten worst. The pain was a pulsating ache and everytime I would look Hoseok in the eye my head would throb.

"Im serious. She sent me a text saying that she needed to talk to me about something important. I went to meet her at a location she sent me but she never showed up." He stated.

"Hoseok why would you try to go and meet the woman that you cheated on me with?" I was really trying to understand his logic at this point. I never asked him to stay away from her. He was the one who told me he wanted to stay away. So why would he feel the need to sneak around and meet her. Was he seeing her again?

"I know it was stupid. I was worried because she never called me, she never even talked to me. We both agreed we wouldn't talk to one another after the affair and I worried that something was wrong if she was suddenly requesting to meet me."

I thought about it for a while. That's why he was running late to meet up with me the night of the charity event, because he went to meet her. What else could he be hiding? I wondered.

"What else are you hiding from me??" I demanded an answer.

"Jagi, that's everything. I swear." He said grabbing a hold of my hand. "I'll never hurt you again."

I closed my eyes taking in a deep breath. I wished I could believe him, that everything could just go back to how it was a few days ago but I couldnt, we couldn't.

"I just need time."

"Okay, I understand that." He said.

After exiting the bath, Hoseok finally went to work and I had the house to myself, with the exception of our housemaid. I went to look for her, I wanted to apologize for all the craziness that's been going on with the police coming over and what not. Our home usually wasn't this chaotic.

I saw her as I entered the kitchen, and she noticed me as well greeting me with her warm smile.

"Feeling better Mrs. Jung?" She asked. I wondered if I still looked like hell, considering how drunk I had gotten last night I was sure that I did.

"A bit, Mari how is everything going?" I asked sitting down at the kitchen bar as she continued to clean and then pausing to answer the question.

"I'm okay, Mrs. Jung. How is everything?"

"It's a little hetic right now but Im managing. I just wanted to let you know that we have officers coming over again later today. I wanted to warn you ahead of time so that you weren't alarmed."

"It's no problem, I knew that they cops would have to interrogate Mr. Jung after everything." She stated and her sentence caught me off guard.

"Everything?" I wondered what all she knew about this entire situation.

"Yes well since you and Mr. Jung were really close to Mrs. Kim." Close? I'm not sure if I would use that word to describe Mina and I's relationship, especially after the affair.

"I guess you could say we were kind of close to her. It's just so unfortunate that this happened to her." Even after finding out that her and Hoseok had seen eachother on a regular basis I still felt geninuely bad about the gruesome way in which she died.

"Yes it is, do you know how Mr. Jung is going to be prosecuted?" She questioned causing me to look at her as if she had lost her mind.

"Prosecuted? Why would Hoseok be prosecuted."

"I just thought, I thought that... " She started. But stopped as if she was afriad to speak. Any thoughts I had that Mari didn't have an clue about the situation were quickly cast out of my mind. She knew something, possibly more than I and I needed to find out what.

"Mari, I'm getting the feeling that you know more than I do. Please tell me everything that you know." I begged.

"But Mr. Jung instructed me not to tell you." She said. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. There was some type of secret that my husband had instructed our housemaid to keep?

"He did what? Listen Mari, I promise he won't find out about this conversation. But now you need to tell me everything."

"Okay." She stated sitting down next to me.

"It all started a couple of months ago. Mina would come over often and Im sure you are already aware of what they would do. But lately they would aruge a lot, I overheard Mrs. Kim say that she didnt want to be involved anymore because she loved her husband. But Mr. Jung was very upset and he told her she had no choice but to continue seeing him."

My heart was hurting and I was struggling to keep up with what Mari was saying without changing my demeanor and expression because I honestly was hurting and disgusted all at the same time. Mari noticed and stopped talking.

"Im fine, please continue." I spoke.

"The last time it became violent. I believe you were out taking care of business when she came over. I tried not to easedrop but I heard Mina crying. She was saying that she was sure she was pregnant and knew that It had to be Mr. Jung's child. He become so upset, I could hear them shouting from the living room. He told her that she needed to get rid of the child or else he would."

"Oh god, no." I breathed out in total distress.

"Mrs. Jung please don't tell Mr. Jung. That night when he had seen that I was in the kitchen and had heard everything he warned me against telling anyone. He said that he would let me go and I can't afford to lose this job. I have a family to provide for." She reasoned.

"Don't worry." I said softly taking slow and steady breathes to calm down, you aren't going to be fired. I really appreciate you letting me know all of this Mari." I said forcing a smile to reassure her.

I let Mari go home for the night, she usually stayed in home with us but her husband and children lived on their own so she would occasionally go visit so I decided that it would be best for her to do that. When she was gone I took out my phone to call the detectives who were assigned to Mina's case and they told me they would be over shortly.

The time I waited seemed to go on for forever. And while I waited for them I thought over and over again about Hoseok. Was he really capable of killing someone? I believed he was the most warm hearted and caring person on the planet. He hardly ever raised his voice and was so mild tempered. The person that Mari described to me when she went over his conversation with Mina was not the Hoseok I knew. He seemed harsh and aggressive and I didnt know what to think.

A year ago I would have said that there was absolutely no way my husband would be capable of hurting anyone. But lie after lie he was breaking my heart and losing my trust and I didn't know what to do or how to feel.

The more I thought the more I wondered if I was making the right decision in acting so fast to reach out to the officers. I didn't know what I was doing or if I was making the right decision. The doorbell ran interrupting me mid thought and I knew that there was no more time for pondering. I needed be an adult and handle this situation so I calmed myself and went to answer the door.

I filled the officers in on every unpleasant detail that the maid had shared with me. I hated to do this to my husband but Mina was pregnant and her murder was gruesome. Whomever was responsible for that, may it be Hoseok or whomever else needed to be held accountable.

After hearing everything that I had to say the detectives said that they needed to do a search of our house so I waited anxiously until they were finished. Namjoon returned with something that was in a plastic bag. I could not tell what It was from a distance but as he got nearer I realized that It was a hammer and my eyes widened.

"Mrs. Jung, are you familiar with this?" He asked giving me a closer look and as I inspected it I saw very visible blood on it and my heart rate started to increase.

"I um - I think that could be ours. Where was that?"

"It was in hidden in your fireplace. We believe that this could be our murder weapon and based on this and your statement today we are going to preceded with an arrest."

My hand quickly covered my mouth and a stumbled back, Namjoon reached out to help me. "You are going to arrest him?"

"We have the murder weapon and plausible cause. We are going to get a warrant and we should be back shortly."

This was all happening so fast and before I knew it the detectives were leaving, and I was staring out of my dining room window waiting for my husband to arrive home. His car pulled up moments later and he entered the house taking off his shoes and heading towards my direction

"There you are baby. I've been trying to call you to see if you had eaten. I picked up take out." I heard him place something on the table but I didnt turn around I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.

"Are you still upset?" He said approaching me from behind and wrapping his arms around my waist. I finally spun around to face him my eyes were watering and I knew that he could tell something was up.

"Y/n, are you crying? Baby I know you are upset with me. But please don't cry. He said wipling away at my tears.

"Did you - do it?" I finally managed to say.

"Did I do what?" He asked genuinely concered.

"Did you kill her Hoseok?" I asked.

"What?" Hoseok said as if I was telling some sort of joke and he couldn't understand the punchline. "You aren't serious are you?"

"You cant lie to me anymore, you have to be honest now." I said through tears.

"I didn't kill Mina!!" He yelled and I immediately shut myself off. I didn't want to hear the lies I just couldn't take it anymore, so I remained silent fixing my gaze back on the window.

"Look at me y/n. You have to talk to me." He said but I continued to ignore him.

“Turn around and talk to me.” Hoseok demanded as I looked out of the window. I didn’t want to look at him, if I did I knew that I would be moved by his soft features, the face that I had fallen in love with.

“What have I done to you? What could I have done to make you believe that I could be capable of doing something this horrible?”

“Look at me!!” Hoseok yelled as he hit the dinning room table causing a glass to fall and shatter on the floor. I jumped in fear from his actions. In the entire time I had known him I had never been so afraid.

I felt a wave of relief but also nervousness as I heard police cars in the distance. The cars approached our mansion and I saw that the gates were opened and they were coming in. Moments later they entered the room.

“Jung Hoseok you are under arrest for the murder of Kim Mina." Namjoon said.

"What the hell is going on?" Hoseok yelled.

"You have the right to remain silent anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law.”

“Did you do this?” Hoseok asked as the officers started to secure handcuffs on him.

The look that he gave me wasn’t one of anger. I think that I could have handled that a bit more. The look that he gave me was one of pure hurt, it was as If I had taken a knife to his abdomen. I felt absolutely horrible and refused to look at him.

“Y/n please look at me.” He said as he was being dragged out of our house by Taehyung and another officer.

I couldn’t bring myself to look at him and I could only look out of the window. I watched as they dragged him to the car and before they put him in the back seat he looked at me and I that’s when the tears I held in started to pour down my face.

I let out a loud sob breaking down and Namjoon just stared at me as if he wasn't quite sure what to do. He finally walked closer to me and after what seemed like minutes of uncertainty he pulled me into his arms allowing me to sob on his chest.

We stayed like that for a while before I calmed down a bit and was able to sit on the sofa.

"I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but regardless of what happens you are a very brave person y/n." Namjoon stated.

"Brave? All I did was turn in my husband."

"You are seeing that Mrs. Jung's family gets justice for her murder even if that means that your husband is taken away from you. That's bravery y/n."

"Well thank you."

"If you need anything, anything at all." Namjoon said placing his hand on my shoulder. "Don't hesitate to give me a call."

Namjoon left and I was alone. Being alone is the worst possible thing to he when you have so many thoughts in your heard. Because you have no one to distract you from everything you were thinking. I tried to turn on the Tv just to have some sort of Distraction but I just stared at it blankly as I pondered my current situation.

Was Hoseok going to be convicted for Mina's murder? If so how long would he be in prison? Did I need to call a lawyer to get divorce papers? And how is Jin going to feel when he finds out that his best friend possibly murdered his wife?

So many questions, so many thoughts. It was all too much and I wanted nothing more than to run away but I couldn't. I couldn't change anything about my current situation and it left me to wonder

Is life going to get any better?

#hoseok #jhope #jhope fanfic #jhope fluff #bts #bts fanfic #THE BANGTAN BOYS #bangtan sonyeondan #bangtan fanfic #bts army #bangtan smut #kpop fanfiction #kpop scenarios #kpop imagines #jungkook #taehyung #namjoon #bts v #BTS suga

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a-panda-reads-act-omega · 7 years

Text

ACT OMEGA PART 10

THE 26/10/16 UPDATE

WOOOOOOO DOUBLE FUCKIN DIGITS YO. This is fantastic. So last time we left off, Dirk and Jake were gay and dumb. Now we are getting into the most anticipated interaction yet, Rosejade. Listen you people, you have no. idea how much I ship Rosejade. It ship it a l o t . . . Oh man it’s really cute. BUT Um YEAH LETS READ IT.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Jesus christ this is too cute. Jade is so fucking happy to see Rose aaaaa.

And Rose is just like “jesus jade dont knock me over”

ROSE: -Oof. JADE: nice to see you rose!!!

YES. YES it is.

Oh my god help its too cute. I love their droopy lil pajama sleeves, it really makes this so much better and im not sure why.

ROSE: (... Nice to see you too, Jade.) JADE: bark!

Goddammit. Ok its clear I have a problem here, Jade is too fucking cute.

Alright thank goodness, those cute detailed panels were a little too much for me. John’s creeping in the background, and Dave’s hanging out with Karkat. Jade doesn’t seem happy?

JADE: (oh my god im so sorry) JADE: (i cant believe i just did that!) JADE: (thats so embarrassing...)

Jade shut up it was cute.

ROSE: (No harm done.) ROSE: (It’s endearing, in a way.) ROSE: (Though perhaps the charm might simply be a patented Jade Harley trait.)

God, YES. Now Rose is complimenting her, and its probably in a platonic sense considering she has a girlfriend but JEEZ I ship it.

ok I hope my shipping of this doesn’t come off as annoying.

JADE: ..dawwww! :) ROSE: (But you might want to keep your voice down.) ROSE: (I’m not sure why it’s become so quiet, but I am perfectly willing to preserve this lull in activity.) ROSE: (Especially in order to sustain the pleasant conversation we’re currently having.)

Yes it is very pleasant. Very very.

JADE: oh ok! JADE: whoops JADE: (i mean) JADE: (ok) ROSE: (Now that our vocal chords have been successfully wrangled, we can get right into the thick of it.) ROSE: (It seemed like you had something to ask me when you approached.) JADE: (oh um yes i did!) JADE: (but im kind of unsure how to ask...) ROSE: (In moments like these, I think the best advice I can give is to say “fuck it”.) ROSE: (And do it anyway.) JADE: :o

great advice Rose. NOW Jade, what did you have to ask? It’s probably gonna be something extremely platonic and irrelevant to my ships, but you know what I can dream.

JADE: (well geez when you put it that way!) JADE: (heh...) ROSE: (Well?) JADE: (oh right yeah) JADE: (soooooo)

hrnK help

Oh. Right, it’s the Earth. So what did you need to ask then? What would Rose know about the Earth?

JADE: (i was wondering what you thought we should do about the earth!) JADE: (john said that taking care of it is supposed to be my responsibility) JADE: (and looking at it right now... isnt it a bit more uh) JADE: (watery, than it should be?)

Yeah, it is quite watery. this is the post-scratch earth I believe, so that would make sense. I think, at least. I never know with all this time shit.

ROSE: (It certainly looks that way. It's just another unfortunate consequence of the scratch.) ROSE: (Though I think it might be a slight improvement over the barren ball of basalt our earth became after that cataclysmic meteor shower.) ROSE: (We’ll just have to make do.) JADE: (so thats it then?) JADE: (we just) JADE: (give earth an orbit around a new star or something) JADE: (and find an island to live on?) ROSE: (That does seem a suitable course of action.) ROSE: (We might want to do something about all that ocean, though.) ROSE: (At the very least to make the planet somewhat more aesthetically pleasing. Sprinkle a few continents here and there, you know.) ROSE: (No offense, but one measly island will doubtless get boring after a while.) ROSE: (Let alone be capable of housing what will hopefully one day be a thriving multi-species civilization.)

Oh yeah, there’s gonna have to be a lot more land for all that LIFE. Do they have a way of making more land though? It’s probably not gonna be a problem, it’ll just be interesting to see how they do it I guess.

JADE: (hehehe!) JADE: (i guess youre right about that!) JADE: (although...) JADE: (i kind of wonder about all of our planets here in the medium) ROSE: (What about them?) JADE: (i went through all that trouble to bring them here, and now were just gonna leave them behind?) JADE: (why dont we bring them along?) JADE: (personally im a little attached! :P) ROSE: (Personally, I would rather not.) JADE: (aw) JADE: (well why?)

But Rooose, your land is so pretty! How would you just give that up?

ROSE: (They’re essentially just an overly grandiose and complicated puzzle designed for preteens, presented as personalized celestial bodies.) ROSE: (Some of them even have giant snakes inside them. Ew.) JADE: (pfffft)

pfffft. Those snakes were awesome. And even if they are just a puzzle, that doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate what they are aesthetically! I mean, come on Rose. You gotta stop resenting things for what they’re supposed to be!

JADE: (wow rose i sure did miss you a whole lot)

JADE: (you always have such a smart and funny way of putting things!) JADE: (but will the denizens really still be there if we take them with us?) ROSE: (It was a joke, Jade. One of the many that I dole out on a regular basis, as the shrewd yet whimsical person you say I am.) ROSE: (They’ll likely vanish once we exit the game for good, whether we bring them through to the new universe or not.) ROSE: (They’re game constructs. I can’t see them serving much purpose past the end credits, so to speak.)

Wellll, I don’t know about that! I mean, yeah, they are game constructs and all. But like all the consorts, I think it’s safe to say they’re sentient as well! Sooo... Hm. Why would Jade’s Denizen have wanted her to take them all in the first place? I mean, to save them from Jack I suppose, but what’s the point if they would die from the big “your winner” screen at the end anyways?

JADE: (oh... well that makes me wonder) JADE: (what about the sprites? theyre game constructs too right?) ROSE: (That is a decent point.)

That IS a decent point. I dont wanna lose Jasprose or Davepeta.

Also. Has anybody wondered if there could be a Jasprovepeta^3? Because THAT, would be pretty great.

ROSE: (The kernels, at the very least, are absolutely nothing more than game constructs. They are a core mechanic of the game in their relationship with the maturity of the battlefield and the power of the black and white monarchs, and they don’t even have consciousness.) ROSE: (The sprites, however... well.) ROSE: (I’m not sure.) ROSE: (It’s highly likely they’ll be able to continue existing indefinitely, all things considered.) ROSE: (Though ultimately, it’s up to them whether they’d like to take a stab at life beyond Sburb.)

Well I dont see why they wouldn’t! Aside from maybe Erisol.

Pfft

ROSE: (Hopefully at least ONE of them will remain here.) ROSE: (Far, far away.) ROSE: (Never to be seen again.) ROSE: (Or be mourned.) ROSE: (At all.) ROSE: (Ever.) JADE: (um???) ROSE: (Nevermind that.)

NO dammit, Jasprose cannot stay behind. She needs to continue to exist and be part of this story because she’s greAT! Though she did say she was no longer interested...

JADE: (okay well) JADE: (im still kind of unsure about all this...) ROSE: (We’ll figure it out, Jade. There’s really not much to worry over.) JADE: (well... what about uh) JADE: (repopulation?) ROSE: (Like I said. We’ll figure it out.) ROSE: (Some ectobiology will likely be involved.) ROSE: (Which we will all be able to discuss as a group when the time comes.) ROSE: (Rather than right this second.)

Something wrong Rose? You’re kinda seeming a little impatient.

JADE: (um...) JADE: (rose, im sorry, i dont mean to make you mad)

Oh, Jade noticed too

ROSE: (I’m not mad.) JADE: (you seem a little mad!) ROSE: (*sigh*)

Out with it, Rose. Tell us what’s going on in that brain of yours.

JADE: (i just really want make sure i do my job right) JADE: (im supposed to make sure we all have a proper place to live!!) ROSE: (You’ll do just fine, Jade. You’ve always done your best at every task you’ve tackled, and what small miracles you can accomplish with hardly any effort are a reflection of how truly capable you are. We all have faith in you.)

Oh jeez.. Is it just me, or is Rose kinda seeming resentful towards Jade’s achievements. I hope that’s not the case.

JADE: (thanks, but...) JADE: (is everything okay?) JADE: (you dont sound all that enthusiastic) JADE: (did i do something wrong?) ROSE: (No, no.) ROSE: (This is all me.)

Come on rooose, tell us

ROSE: (I missed you Jade, I really did. But seeing you again now brings back unpleasant memories.) JADE: (oh) JADE: (you mean like your mom...?) ROSE: (Less the incident itself and more the horrifically immature child I behaved like back then.) ROSE: (Never was my childishness more apparent than with how I treated you.) JADE: (what! what do you mean?)

Hmm... thinking back at it, Rose sort of did treat Jade as just this object of mystery. Dave was always suspicious of her too, but Rose was seemingly always trying to point out when Jade said something that didn’t add up.

ROSE: (I was never a very good friend to you, Jade.) ROSE: (There were, and perhaps still are, some things about you that made me feel...) ROSE: (Insecure.)

Hmmm again.. I could understand insecurities in the past, but now Rose is practically on the same level as Jade. Is it a personality thing? because that doesn’t seem likely.

ROSE: (And, well. I was very petty, and allowed myself to wallow in jealousy while shoehorning you into another of my many imagined rivalries.)

Oh, damn. I guess I should have suspected something like that, considering how competitive Rose really can be when it comes to just about anything.

JADE: (you were jealous?) JADE: (of me???) ROSE: (You were bubbly and cheerful. Genuinely likeable, unlike me. Legitimately smart, where I more often than not felt the need to pad my intellect with random facts I learned on the internet. You had a multitude of talents and seemed to be able to do almost anything with hardly any effort.) ROSE: (Not to mention, I was under the impression you could see the future.)

DammIT, this is a large part of the reason I wanted them to interact. there was so much misunderstanding between them before, and once Rose finally knew how Jade did the things she did, it just went.. unmentioned.

JADE: (oh yeah... ugh, i thought i was soooo smart :\) JADE: (just thinking about all those dumb vague hints i used to drop makes me cringe!!)

I mean, it’s not like you didn’t always do what was best for your friends. Come on! You gotta feel a little smug when you understand all of the complicated bullshit about sburb. Even though you didn’t, in the end. you still thought you did. Plus you were 13. Nowhere near as mature as you are now. Which I suppose can be said for everybody, really.

JADE: (i totally get it, rose. im really sorry!) ROSE: (Please, don’t be.) ROSE: (Without the haze of envy blotting my vision I can see you for the charming, likeable, caring girl you really are and always have been.)

AGh, dammit this is putting me back into shipping mode nO!

ROSE: (I’d like to think I’ve done at least SOME maturing over the last three years.) ROSE: (Now I’m the smug one with clairvoyance. My, how the tables have turned.) JADE: (welllll...) JADE: (you were always a LITTLE bit smug :P) ROSE: (Oh, only a little?) ROSE: (You flatterer.)

fuCKINg. KISS.

Ah, shit. thats the end of their interaction. NEXT UP, we goooot... Calliope and Jane! Sweet. And as it seems to be the pattern we are following, we get a sneak peek at their conversation in this update.

JANE: (Pssst!) JANE: (Callie!)

And that’s it. ALRiGHT, sNEAK PEEK OVER.

This was a really fun Rosejade conversation though. We got to learn more about how they felt about eachother in the past, and how those feelings have changed since. And not to mention, some plot details on the plans for the new Earth.

And since I still suck at ending these things, ten parts in, ill seeya next time. might be today again, whon knows. maybe ill go for 5 updates in one day.

#homestuck #homestuck liveblog #ROSEJADE #ROSEJADE IS LIFE #HELP #act omega #HEELLP #ACT OMEGA Liveblog #aAAAA #hs act omega #DSAKkjdsan #hs act omega liveblog

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einardivon · 4 years

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I Feel This Need To Disconnect, Why?

I have this thing, this thing that’s building up inside of me but i haven’t quite figured it out yet. Maybe I have but I’m afraid to admit it because I may not know what to do with it once I have it or maybe I really just haven’t figured it out yet. Its complicated, but is it really? The one thing I’m sure of that’s stirring inside of me is the need to disconnect, for real. The need to go into self isolation, for real. Ironic isn’t it, the more I am put into self isolation due to this pandemic, the more I feel the need to disconnect from this world. Fairly enough in this time and age, you cant help but feel very connected to the world with every single passing moment and yes, it is of tremendous benefit, we all know it. Every information you need is just a touch away. Every single human being you want to talk to is just a call away. Then why do I have this urge to escape this reality? After some mind boggling I may have two basis as to why I am feeling this way.

The first basis is that the world is very loud in my mind. It feels as if my mind is a magnifier. It always seems to magnify whatever that is happening around me so even though it may not be of such a big deal in reality but in my mind it is, especially if it is something that concerns me. On the contrary though I am a very chilled out person. I take things one thing at a time and don’t rush into conclusions or decisions. I don’t usually make a big deal out of anything in particular, rather I’d think carefully of my next steps and approach whatever it is meticulously. However, I will not say that it does not affect me. As much as I am calm and collected as in I don’t make a big deal or big fuss out of anything, I cannot say that I am not overwhelmed by it. I am still very much affected by it. I get anxious, worried, concerned, distressed. My whole being becomes very disturbed and it feels as though I’ve lost my peace of mind and I don’t like not being at peace. This is probably why I like being by myself alot because when I’m with me, away from all the outside stimulus I feel this sense of peace within myself and this sense of control over my current state and current environment where nothing affects me, nothing overwhelms me and even if there is I’ll still be able to handle it without losing that peace of mind, meaning to say everything around me is of little importance compared to my peace of mind. None of that task I have to complete before 5pm, or that meeting I’ve to prepare for in 10 minutes, or that call I have to make or that email I have to send or that item my mother told me to get, or that homework I’ve to help my brother with, or that party I have to get to with my friends. All these obligations and expectations that’s constantly bugging my mind, that I’ve to constantly do and constantly meet where failing to do or meet them would distress me because I have now let down those people I care about and those people I look up to. I told myself I was going to be a reliable and supportive person to all these people that matter and now I’ve let them down, now I have disappointed them and in a way I have let myself down. I have let myself down because as all these obligations and expectations are projected upon me ever since I was a child until now, an adult, there was never the question of whether I genuinely wanted to do it or not. There was never the question of how wiling am I to do it. It was always, you should do it, you are required to do it or you must do it and if you look really closely into most of the things we are required to do, the reason has always been because it is the right thing to do. How did it come about to be the right thing to do? Society. Who exactly said it was the right thing to do? Nobody knows or it could be many individuals if we were to go deep into religion and all that but I am not going there. So then a question arises, what if I do all these right things but I do it just because I have to do it because everyone says its the right thing to do and yes I do believe it is the right thing to do although I don’t feel like doing it, in fact I don’t want to do it at all, am I still doing the right thing then? Am I still doing the right thing despite my inner motive not being right and my inner motive is no longer genuine? Because what all these social norms, rules and laws are actually saying is this, and let me quote Alan Watts as he puts it very beautifully in one of his lectures, “You are required to do something which will be acceptable only if you do it voluntarily.” So, am I doing it because I want to be a good person and because a good person does all these right things or do i actually want to do it? If all these social norms, rules and laws were to not exist, will I still want to do it then? So as I grew up, I’ve taken all these obligations and expectations upon me and have made it my own. I have taken it all and formed an image or a self-concept of myself where I told myself that I do all these because I want to do it, not because they all tell me to do it (directly or indirectly) because it just feels wrong to not want to do those things that they all say is right, because I might just become a bad person if I don’t want to do all those things that are right and I want to be a good person because being a good person is the right thing to do. Hence, not meeting these obligations and expectations would result in disappointing myself because I failed to live up to my image and my self-concept, i failed to live up to who I think I am and of course that wouldn’t sit right, and that’s where you start beating yourself down and all that.

So you see, when I am on my own, in my own space, doing my own thing that has the least connection to all outside stimulus, there is no one and nothing projecting these obligations and expectations on to me and so there isn’t any of those surfacing inside of me as well. When I am with myself, free from the outside world, I have no expectations of myself, I have no obligations of myself, I have no wants, I have no needs, and when you have no expectations of any sort, you’re at peace. Well to say that I have none at all would be inaccurate because to get rid of all that completely would be impossible for a regular person like me and that would require another journey on its own which I am not going to talk about here. To be more precise, I have the least expectations of myself, the least obligations, the least wants, the least needs or rather all of those which are very much in my control when I am with myself. Hence, everything flows accordingly for I have the least of all that, so everything is met. Because the self-concept I have of myself when I am alone is very simple, I am whoever and whatever I want to be and feel like being. It is very true and raw and honest and I allow myself to be that way because there’s nothing tying me down or holding me back. I am who I am, I am what I feel, I am what I think and I do so unapologetically for I do not have the need to satisfy or live up to anything at all. I am free. However, for as long as I am living in this reality, exposed to all these ideas of what life is, of what happiness is, of what success is and of how I should live my life (directly or indirectly) I can never truly be free. Sure, I can get a day off with just my mind and my own space and achieve that peace of mind but I’d always have to come back to this reality and be once again in that mess I talked about in the first place. The peace of mind I attained was temporary and I find myself constantly seeking for it and I find myself wanting to disconnect from the world for it is the cause of turmoil and the limitation to achieving my peace of mind. I’m seeking for a permanent state of mind where I am in constant peace. I may not know it yet, maybe I’ll get it when I detach myself from the reality of the world or maybe it is something I have to search within myself, maybe there are somethings in me I’ve yet to accept and yet to look at it from another point of view and when I do I’ll be able to realize what peace of mind actually is and how can I really attain it despite living in this reality. I’m sure there’s a long way ahead of self discovery and I am very much ready to dwell into it. As I age, I’ve come to realize how important peace of mind is to me. I must’ve felt this a long time ago but I could only make out of it recently. I realized that my inner peace is a much more important feeling than the feeling of happiness. To be more accurate, my inner peace is my happiness. The second basis that I thought of is that I have a lack of purpose. Everyone is put into this world for a purpose and similarly I have a purpose too, just that I haven’t found it yet. My purpose may be bigger than what it actually is, at least that’s what I keep feeling lately. As much as I’m very drawn inwards, I’m also very drawn to people in a way I want to bring the best out of people, uplift them, help them, encourage them, thus I constantly have this strong feeling that my purpose would revolve around this. To inspire people and help them realize things and get them out of dark pits and horrible experiences and to just relate to them and allow them to relate to you. If I were to live the rest of my life only striving for things and achieving things for the sole quality of my life and my close ones, it would be a very selfish life and I don’t want to live a life like that. This is just my humble opinion and I am not at all projecting this onto anyone out there. This is probably why I constantly have this need where I want to do something that would bring a positive impact to people. It doesn't have to be thousands or millions of people, just one will do, but much more than the quantity of the people I’ve affected I’m more concerned about the quality of the impact that I have brought upon that particular person. Just knowing that the person is in a better state of mind, a better state of life would just make me feel very very grateful and just feel more whole. But of course I have yet to find my purpose in life yet which may also be that very thing that is building up inside of me as I mentioned at the start of this article. Whether these two basis equally contribute to this feeling I have or one is stronger than the other or they are related to each other, I have no idea, really. But I still have a long long way to go, in discovering myself or finding my purpose in life but what I know is that I am not going to rush it, I’m going to take it one step at a time or rather hand in hand and who knows, achieving one might lead me to the other and I more than ready to dwell into it.

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beimanorthrun-blog · 5 years

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Best gay dating sites usa

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yourcertainstudentlight-blog · 6 years

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Which Insurance is Cheaper, Motorcycle or Car Insurance?

"Which Insurance is Cheaper, Motorcycle or Car Insurance?

I don't have a License for Either Yet, and I already Know You Need one for the Other (License), but I was just Wondering which Insurance would be cheaper If I would get both Licenses roughly in the same time. The Bike is Likely a Ninja 250 and the car is Likely a Mitsubishi Eclipse 98 RS. Manual for Both Vehicles.

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://financeandcreditsolution.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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Can you write off the cost of a car AND the auto insurance on your taxes??

Motorcycle insurance quote - Progressive?

I only need insurance on my bike for like a week and progressive only gives me the option to either pay the full 12 month cost ($255) up front now OR 2 payments a year which is $135 up front right now. Im not paying $135 when im only going to be riding it for a week...?

Which Insurance is Cheaper, Motorcycle or Car Insurance?

Commercial Vehicle Insurance in the UK?

A business starts a delivery service and employs several drivers. Now each driver has their own personal insurance policy, but this will not cover them for business purposes. What would be the options for the business owner? Would the business buy a policy to cover the employees and their individual vehicles? or would they have to buy a vehicle solely for business purposes for the drivers to use? In addition, what companies are there that offer such commercial vehicle insurance for delivering purposes and what would be a ballpark figure for such a policy? extra credit for in depth answers. Thank you!!""

How much will car insurance cost me a month?

Maine, 16 years old, 11 (almost 12) year old car, 4.33 g.p.a.,female, driver's ed course taken. About how much will my car insurance cost me a month? Thanks.""

Should Insurance companies be forced to protect against preexisting conditions? Buy Ins after car gets stolen?

How much would that add to the insurance premium if they had to pay out for preexisting conditions? What if you totaled your new corvette and bought insurance the next day. How soon before the insurance companies went bankrupt and we had to go to the government option. (Where you would be forced to drive a Yugo in order to qualify).

Does drivers insurance increase if you move?

Hey, question says it all, my fiancee was told that once we move our drivers insurance rate will increase, is this true? We're living in Maine and only moved a town over, we didn't move to another state or anything like that. Anyone know? Thanks!""

Do you have health insurance?

If so, How much is it per month? How old are you? What kind if deductable do you have? feel free to answer also if you do not have insurance, also do you suppport Obamacare?""

Licence wrong date when applying for insurance?

when you get a quote along the way it asks you to enter when you recieved your licence. what if i put 2-3 years old when in actual fact it is only 2 months old. Will the insurance company find out that i am not telling the truth or can i get away with it? Do they check my licence to see when i got it. thanks.

What is the average auto insurance increase with one DWI?

Exchange insurance/registration info...?

It's about my friend hitting a parked car again. The other party got his insurance+registration, should my friend get their's even though no one was in the car? thanks""

When asked for your insurance in a car that's not yours..?

Just recently I took a vacation down to Galveston, and on my way back I got a speeding ticket in Ennis. Thing is, I was in my boyfriends mom's car and I didn't have my insurance. So I gave him the insurance for the car that I am not covered on. So my question is, is her insurance effected because of me? and When taking defensive driving should I put my insurance down for getting the ticket off my record?""

What insurance can i get ? need advise?

i am 17 years old and i got a truck and im going to get my license in a few days how can i get insurance for my truck and what will be the cheapest price ? i need advise on what i should do and how i should get insurance like should i get it under my dads insurance or how ?

Which insurance company is the cheapest for a 2002 toyota echo?? Thanks again Dan?

Its for basic coverage

My employer expects me to utilize my personal car insurance for renting cars for business purposes.?

Why should I carry the responsibility? My car insurance would go up if I am in an accident or the car is stolen. Am I being unreasonable? There is no coverage through my company AMEX card, I checked. I do not want to be a problem employee but I do not see how this is fair.""

Color of the car for insurance purposes?

Does the color of the car have anything to do w/ the price you pay for your insurance? I have heard that bright colors make your insurance rates higher.

Best child Plan or best insurance plan or Mutual funds ?

hi iam 30 year male from india working in merchant navy..i want to invest for future of my child through monthly investment of Rs.5000..please suggest me right way to achive my goal of getting good amount when my child reaches age of 18...i already have LIC jeevan anand..with cover of 10 lakh..and i am also depositing 70.000 p.a in P.P.F...so where u should think i invest to get maximum returns..??

About how much will motorcycle insurance cost me?

i am 18 and have been driving for around 1 and a half years (car) and would like to get a motorcycle, i've never missed a payment, have never been in an accident, and have taken the msf course my first bike will most likely be a used kawasaki vulcan 500cc or a used yamaha vstar 650cc""

Which insurance is better?

which insurance is better blue cross and blue shield or aflac, what is the difference between them""

INSURANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

How much would insurance cost on a 700 dollar rent appartment?? roughly.. for a calm project.

Best first car for insurance?

What car at 17 will have the lowest amount to pay on insurance?

Car insurance cost?

How much will car insurance cost if I'm a 19 year old girl, who is a full time student with a 3.3 GPA. I'm also a new driver and recently got my license, which means I ...show more""

Car Insurance For 16 Year Old Female?

How much would monthly car insurance cost for a 16 year old female living in Louisiana approximately?

Muscle Car Insurance Rates?

Well, I'm an 18 year old male and I've managed to stumble across a 1970 Plymouth Barracuda being sold for a reasonable price and in pretty good condition. It's been my dream car for a while and I was just curious if I can get some estimates on how much I'll be paying for car insurance? I live in British Columbia Canada if that makes a difference. I've taken driving school and I've heard good grades can lower rates as well, which I have. Oh yeah, its got a 440 4 bbl :). Thanks""

""Need help to find a boy car for around 1000 or below, something cheap on insurance and also a bit sporty?

i know sporty and insurance dont go together well but am sure there are some cars that are fast and boy racer cars that arnt tooo expensive to insure

What is Private Health Insurance?

My work provides me with insurance that covers medical and some RX. Is this considered Private insurance? Or is Private insurance when you go and purchase the insurance on your own?

What's worse for a teens insurance a luxury car or sports car?

I've been wanting to get a civic for a first car so I thought maybe a 2000 civic si and then realized I liked the 7th gen civic coupes alot more so when I went to get an insurance quote every company is telling me its about $400 a month even on my dads insurance. Because I'm a second driver in the house I become the primary driver on the civic by default and I don't have a choice. The insurance company says that the si is a sports car for them and apparently has a high chance for teens to get wrecked in. The 7th gen that I'm talking about was an 02 civic si veloz and I was told a non si 03 civic coupe would still be in the late 300's /month for me. I'd be okay with 200's/month if possible. So now I'm thinking of going to Hondas luxury side. I did want a fully loaded civic which I guess isn't possible because they didnt come with leather seats so I thought I'd go team Acura late 90's/2000 1.6 el the car would be a fully loaded sedan, manual transmission, sohc engine (not exactly built for speed) it would also have an alarm system that the civic didn't. I don't think there are as many teen ricers in acuras since the aftermarket is limited for some things as not everything is swappable with civic parts. so for a new driver would it be any difference to go from a 2 door si to a 4 dour sedan with a base motor? the only thing is that the insurance would probably classify it as a luxury vehicle and say its expensive to repair and what not. your thoughts?""

How much will car insurance be for a sixteen year old girl who lives in California?

My parents don't have the money (plus they don't want to) to pay for my insurance, so even though i'm turning seventeen this year, I still don't have my license. I'm trying to get a job, though, and was wondering if anyone could give me a ballpark for how much it'll cost a year...I get good grades, I know some places will give you discounts if you have good grades...so yeah. :)""

Which Insurance is Cheaper, Motorcycle or Car Insurance?

Why is auto insurance through Geico so cheap?

How much aproximately will my car insurance be for a peugeot 306 for a new driver?

the car is 1.4 engine size and a 1999 model

Pregnancy and health insurance questions:?

I found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant, and have my own health insurance. What I would like to know is if I want to get on my husbands insurance for the new year will I be able to? Or will I not be able to get on his insurance because they will consider it pre-existing condition? His insurance is better than mine. My baby is due the end of April.""

When does health insurance expire when you move out of state?

Suppose you have health insurance in New York, and you plan to move to California. Before the actual move, you drive a vehicle across country, get a California license, register your vehicle, and register to vote. Then you fly back to New York for four months. You go to the doctor, and your NY insurance pays up. But then you get a letter from the insurance company, sent to the CA address but forwarded to NY, saying they heard you'd moved, so your insurance will be cancelled. You write back, telling them their information is premature, and that you'll change insurance when you complete the move. After four months, you complete the move to CA, and two days after your arrival, you start feeling woozy -- feverish with occasional headaches -- requiring bed rest and lots of fluids. If this doesn't clear up in a day or two, you'll want to see a doctor. Will you be covered by the NY insurance, given that you haven't had time yet to get CA insurance?""

Help with Car insurance?

Hi I am wanting some help with Car and Car insurance. I am 17 years old and soon I will be taking my 1st driving lesson. I hope to be passed by September 2014 fingers crossed. However all the buzz of driving hits you hard when you look at insurance and you think. How can I get 3000 to 5500 just like that. Well I have been saving my money and only have 500 pound. I have a birthday in march and Christmas is soon so all the money I get I will save for insurance. Now to the main bit. My brother is going to be giving me is Citron C2 because he is getting a new car in September I was thinking is it possible for me to get cheap insurance some how. the main reason because I don't want to be pay 3k out. My brother had to pay this but now is insurance for the C2 is very cheap. I was wondering when he gets is new car if he also puts insurance on the C2 and me as the second driver and I pay him money every month or something. Or is there anything else I can do? Thanks Kieren

Car insurance on first car?

i'll be turning 17 soon and my parents and i have been talking about a car for me. my dads over 50 and has a perfect driving record...if i were to buy a car but put it in his name, would I save a lot on insurance? and then i could just drive it? would that work""

Cheap health insurance in Pennsylvania?

Which companies have good coverage in Philadelphia, and have affordable plans (~60-70 bucks). I'm looking at moderate deductible plans with copays for doctor office visits. Also, ...show more""

Where can i get the best & affordable health insurance?

company does not provide it anymore. where can i get the best and affordable health insurance that i pay for myself. thanks

Best way to insure multiple cars?

I have six cars that need to have at least liability insurance. Some of these cars I drive very seldom and it is a pain to have to pay for individual insurance on each car when I can only drive one at a time. Is there any way I can get a blanket liability policy that would cover me no matter which car I drive? It seems silly to have to insure the car rather than the driver.

What is the cheapest car insurance in Florida?

I'm 20 and I'm with Allstate they have me paying $1000 each 6 month for Insurance too much money they killing me help.

""On average, how much does it cost professional liability insurance for a CPA?""

I want to start my own CPA practice. I am 50 yrs old. I want to know what costs are involved in the process. I am not aiming to nothing complicated. Just an accounting practice. How much does it cost, on average, the professional liability insurance for a new CPA?. I will be just myself. Thank you.""

""BMW 318i 53 reg, insurance new driver?""

Parents may be buyign a new car, how much would it cost to insure a new driver on a bmw 318i 53 reg, about 30000 miles. Insurance would probably be on parents policy, 30+ years no claims, safe driving etc.""

I crash today i have no insurance and my car is under my bfs name and insurance..so i just gave the insurance?

to the guy that i crash..hes going to call the insurance..im scared i havent told my bf and i dont want to..do i need to file something i dont really know im scared plz help me and i wanna know how much is goin to be

Auto insurance company that wants me to pay upfront?

I need general information concerning auto insurance complanies that pay claims directly to the driver. They want me to absorb all costs (repairs, rental, etc.) and then they will issue me a reimbursement check. I don't want reimbursed for something that their insured driver did to me! I just want them to cover all costs associated with the claim! What, if any, legal action can I take to have the matter proceed in my favor?""

So many health insurence companys .I need to find a good health insurence I would like your help for a good co

health insurence and dental,with eye glass too .I want my own instade of through a company as a employee""

How can i make my car insurance cheaper?

im finding it more expensive this year than in 2010 to buy my car insurance and yet that was closer to the claims i've had to include (one in july for an sp30 speeding and the other for a none fault accident in my unoccupied vehicle in october). i dont understand this at all and its really bugging me as im finding it hard to get a decent quote. my car also has a rear spoiler which was there when i bought it which is also causing me hassle. is there anything i can do to get the best quote for my car, i'm going insane lol. im in the uk also""

Does any1 know what the cheapest insurance is for someone aged 17-19?

Rental car insurance?

Recently, I had a car accident. The car I drove was fine however the back of right bumper of the parked car was cracked and torn off. I was reversing parking and accidentally pushed the gas pedal hard. I talked to the owner of car and he said he will contact his insurance. The car I was driving was a rental car from hertzondemand.( Insurance was covered in the rate) Hertz said I have to submit the collision report from police station. I am seriously horrified of thousands of dollar that I probably have to pay. I do not own a car nor automobile insurance. But I do have an amex gold rewards which has Damage Insurance but I dont think it covers for the car I hit as well. I have been reading XII.LIABILITY PROTECTION under terms and condition over and over again but it gets me more confusing.https://www.hertz247.com/alberta/en-...20of%20Alberta Am I gonna pay for $250 and rest of them will be taken cared by hertz? Can someone clarify XII.LIABILITY PROTECTION?""

How can I take the insurance of my car off my parents name?

Okay sooo, my dad has never been a good father figure until i turned 16. I'm now 17 and have a car that i bought and i have the title and loan in my name. He is the co-signer. He also pays the insurance. I have a boyfriend and he doesn't like it when i have a boyfriend. He thinks i'm too young for one. My mom and him are divorced and i live with my mom. She doesn't care that i have a boyfriend and lets me go over to his house and go on dates, etc. He doesn't approve. So he threatened to take my car away if i don't be home when he says. My home is my moms house. I have more of a right to listen to her than i do my dad. She thinks so too. He says since he pays the insurance he should be able to take my car away if he wants to. I offered to pay my own but he won't let me because then he won't have anything to hold over my head. How can i get my own insurance and take it off his name without him knowing until its done?""

Does anyone know a car insuarance provider that is cheapest for young drivers?

I am getting a car soon and i was wondering is there a particular car insurance companies that is cheaper for young drivers? (I'm 17)

So is the car insured or the person? can i deliver pizzas on someone elses insurance/car ?

hi i have been given a good opportunity to start working and a great friend willing to lend me their vechicle to deliver pizzas, reall good friend. the car is insured and i live with friend if that makes a difference anyone know for sure ? Do we got to let the insurance company know or what ??""

How much money does car insurance go down when you turn 17?

I'm 16 years old and turning 17 in a few months. I am currently paying about $435 for insurance in a 6 month period. Will that rate decrease when I turn 17, not having any tickets or accidents?""

Can someone help me get a insurance quote ?

im 16 and my mom said that if i wanted to drive, i would have to buy my own insurance. but the thing is i cant find any sites that tell me how much i would have to pay as a starter , and then pay monthly. the car that i want to drive is my stepdads 2000 Bonneville. idk what else it is but it looks just like this. VvV http://www.autoworld.com/news/Pontiac/2000Bonneville.jpg i just want to know how much i would have to pay (:""

Avg auto insurance for 18 year old?

i just got in accident and i won't be on my parents policy anymore i used to pay 350 for 6 months and thats a full cover now i am 18 year old male who got in accident only one car was totalled and no other cars were involved so whats the avg 6 month full cover auto insurance will be? i got some quotes and i got prices from 1000-4000$ for 6 months one more thnig the car is 2007 pontiac G6

""What is the best learner motorcycle, cheap on insurance and good quality?""

I am looking to learn how to ride a motorcycle and am looking for a bike that is easy to learn, cheap to run, cheap on insurance and a good ride. Are older bikes cheaper? Are some brands better on insurance than others? Thanks.""

Which Insurance is Cheaper, Motorcycle or Car Insurance?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/compare-online-life-insurance-quotes-adrian-rivas/"

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queenviolist-blog · 7 years

Text

Adeline’s Story

Life is like a crazy amusement park ride. It has its ups and downs. The joys, sorrows, and everything in between. With every decision, or lack of, your life changes. There is a quote I once read, it said You are always one decision away from a totally different life. The thing is.. With Adeline, I never had a choice.

I had always wanted to have three kids. When we played “House” at school and even at home, I gathered three baby dolls and said I would be a mommy to three babies. I don’t know why, but three just seemed like a good number. As I got older, I ended up having two of the three kids I wanted. But not who I wanted them with. The guy I married was one of the biggest mistakes of my life and I was glad to have that part of my life behind me. When I first found out I was pregnant, I called the baby “Lil Seed” cuz it was my little love seed, and was about the size of a seed at the time. Then the Hatchimal craze started. My kids were crazy about those things. After being exposed to that term on a daily basis, trying to acquire one, I decided to call the baby Hatchimal because after all, it was a creature that had not yet hatched lol. I had a “regular” pregnancy and besides the extended morning sickness (until the eighteenth week), I felt like everything was fine. Up until my anatomy scan, everything was fine. I was good, and baby was good. I didn’t find out the gender of my first two until they were born, so at the anatomy scan I initially declined to know, but later asked the ultrasound technician to put it in an envelope in case I wanted to do anything later. This is the first time I felt like something was “off” The tech was very concerned with the placenta and the umbilical cord. She left the room to go talk to the doctor. After the doctor came in, I was informed that I had what was called a Velamentous Cord Insertion. This is basically where the cord does not attach to the placenta as it should (in the middle), but mine had attached on the side and had a portion of blood vessels exposed. I was explained that it wasn’t a big deal, but that it may lead to a growth restricted baby in some cases. Otherwise, it didn’t present a danger until delivery, where the cord may be prone to rupture during childbirth and the baby may bleed out. Of course, they didn’t tell me all that. I read most of that info online. I couldn’t stop thinking about that. I felt like as if a death warrant was issued with my daughter’s name. The next few prenatal visits were uneventful. I discussed my dropping iron levels. Wondered how Anemic I would get. It was nothing new, I was anemic on and off. I always worried about the umbilical cord. That thought was in the back of my mind. But time and time again, I was assured I was fine. I learned that Hatchimal was in the 25th percentile for her weight. Normally, babies should be in the 50th percentile. Not too big, not too small. I was told that since I was petite, my baby was small too. This is why I hardly showed. I tested slightly higher than normal for my one hour glucose test. I blamed it on the cereal and milk I had the morning of the test. I had forgotten to fast, so I ate a small bowl of cereal. I was scheduled to take the three-hour glucose test in late March just to assure that I didn’t have gestational diabetes. I can’t remember at what point, but curiosity got the best of me one day and I opened the envelope and saw the ultrasound pics. At the end, I read “It’s a Girl!” on a pink sticky note. I was ecstatic. I wanted a girl soo bad. I had two already and a third one would fit right in. I don’t know why but the thought of having a boy made me shiver. I couldn’t see myself as a “boy mom.”

I remember the day of March 28th. It started like any other. I took the girls to school and then came home looking for energy. I picked up the girls from school and decided to take them to the pool after school. They swam around happily. I reluctantly got in because the water was really cold. I hate being cold. I noticed that Hatchimal was more sluggish than usual. Normally, this baby would kick me HARD when she was hungry. I wasn’t even hungry yet and she would be moving in there. I would feel her knees and elbows. As soon as I ate, she would calm down. She showed me who’s boss. But on this day, I figured she was sleepy. After washing her baby clothes in Dreft, and sorting them by size and putting them away, I laid down in bed. It was 1030pm when Delilah came and jumped into bed with me to tell me goodnight. I scolded her for being up an hour and a half after her bedtime but still hugged her and rubbed her head. She asked me if she was gonna be a good sister, and I said she was. She told me she would help feed her and give her the green soothie paci and love her so much. At that point, I felt Hatchimal move. I asked if Delilah wanted to feel and she agreed. She put her had on where Hatchimal had moved and Delilah’s face lit up. I sent her to bed. As she left I got an overwhelming feeling of sadness. It came out of nowhere. It kind of freaked me out. I rubbed my stomach and told her to go to sleep too. I feel asleep about thirty minutes later.

I woke up on March 29th to go use the restroom. I noticed I had really bad back pain. I got myself ready because I had the extended glucose tolerance test. Yuck. I hauled ass on Bloomingdale and made it there 6 mins late. Lovely. I hate Bloomingdale traffic. I was poked before taking the sugary drink. I thought “Ok. One of four pokes done” I took the drink, and sat down. They alternated the arms for the blood draws. Four in total. The last test I winced when the needle went in. I remember an ultrasound pic where Hatchimal was wincing. I wondered if I looked as cute as her wincing. I laughed, but thought “I will get pricked however many times I need to as long as you’re healthy Hatchimal” I went to eat at a smoothie place. Ate a sandwich and a smoothie. It was then that I realized I hadn’t felt her move at all that day. I googled it and it said that glucose tests have different effects on babies. I thought it was odd bc I figured that all that sugar would of made her hyper and not sluggish. It wasn’t until 3pm that day that I was laying in my couch that I thought, Have I felt her move? I called my OBGYN and they advised me to go to L&D. I decided to wait because I was soo tired from the testing and didn’t want to take the drive to TGH. I laid there thinking she was asleep anyway, and I think I dozed off too. About 9pm, I decided to go to L&D. I had Braxton Hicks contractions but it was normal due to me being a few days shy of 8 months. I sat in her closet and played with a clear marble that I found on the carpet. I pretended like it was a fortune telling ball. I finally gathered my purse and keys and left. I got there and they recognized my because I had been there four days prior due to feeling “shitty” I wanted a blood transfusion but they said my levels weren’t low enough. I changed into a gown and waited for the nurse. She came in and put the blue strap on and located my heartbeat right away. She then grabbed the pink strap and put it on my stomach. Nothing. She moved it around and nothing. She said that it was maybe bc of how the baby was sitting. She put more gel and moved it around. Nothing. Silence. I felt my face get hot and my heartbeat thump in my neck. Loudly. She left saying that she wanted to get an ultrasound machine to get a better look. She came in with the ultrasound tech. They put more gel, and started the machine. At this point, I have tears welding up in my eyes. To say I was terrified was an understatement. They put the wand over my belly and I saw her. Right away I knew she was gone. I saw her chest and no flickering of her lil heart. They moved the wand around. More people came in. I looked at the Tech’s face. She was biting her inner cheek. I could tell. Her eyelids flickered. Unlike my daughter’s heart. She bit her lips. Pressed them. Then someone else took over. They told me to turn to my side. Then back to my back. By now I have tears running down my face. Finally, after what seemed forever, and after a room full of specialists, the older woman said. “Im sorry. There is no heartbeat” Just like that. No heartbeat. I was stunned. It took a second to scream “Noooooo..My baby” and they all said they were sorry for my loss. I yelled “My baby CANT be gone” I lost it. I cried so hard I had eve liner and mascara all over my face and gown. I told them this was the fourth baby that I lost, and a nurse started crying. They all left one by one until the original nurse asked me what I wanted to do. I could go home and sleep and then come back in the morning after I was rested and ready. Can you believe that? First of all, I wouldn’t of been able to sleep at home knowing my sweet baby was gone. Second, I would of never been “ready” to say goodbye. How do you say goodbye to someone you have never said Hello to? I said I had to go home and get a few things and I would be back within the hour. I left. When I got home, I realized that all along, I had had premonitions and feelings like something had been off. That was maybe why I wanted to get my hospital bag ready with such urgency. Why I felt like I was running out of time, even though I knew that I had eight more weeks. I sat in Hatchimal’s walk in closet. I grabbed the marble that was still on the floor. I looked at all the boxes of diapers she had. The bathtub. Her soaps and lotions. Bottles. Her clothes. I didn’t even know what to take to the hospital. Should I pack clothes? A pacifier? She was gone but what if I wanted to take a picture with a pacifier in her mouth. Then I wondered what she would look like. She was gone. Would she look different than a live baby? I had never seen a dead baby before. I gathered what I thought I would need and left back to the hospital. It seemed so surreal. Going past downtown. Knowing that it was a one-way trip for her. Once I got back to the hospital I grabbed all my stuff. My photography equipment. My purse. Robe. And a makeshift diaper bag with her stuff. I was moved to the Labor and Delivery rooms instead of their L&D triage. They started an IV and put me on Cervadil, which is a labor inducing drug. I tried to get some sleep because besides the Braxton hicks contractions. My body wasn’t ready to let her go.

It was March 30th now. I tossed and turned. Couldn’t sleep. Got 30 mins of sleep. I felt the contractions but they were mild. I spent the whole day waiting. Waiting for the medicine to do its job, and make me contract. Waiting to meet my sleeping angel. I labored and waited.

March 31st made its arrival. It was 9am and the four doses of Cervadil had no effect on me. Was it possible my subconscious was telling my body to fight it off? I wanted to stay pregnant forever. To have my baby with me. I was still in denial. I was placed on Pitocin since they wanted to speed things along. They gave me the strongest dose they could give. It brought my contractions to 2-3 minutes apart. I was starting to finally feel them. Savages. Just like that, I went from having no pain to moderate pain. I wanted to be as alert and awake as I could be for when my baby got here. I declined an epidural. I never had one, and I figured I never will. Around 1030am I started feeling unbearable pain. I inquired about pain relief that didn’t involve an epidural. They suggested nitrous oxide. It was quick. Easy and the drowsiness wore off a minute or two after I took the mask off. I agreed. It didn’t get rid of the pain but “took the edge off” so I was content. I was checked and was barely at 3cm dilated. The pain quickly came in waves. I looked at my phone and saw that I had 5 seconds of where the pain would build up. 30 seconds of sheer excruciating pain. 5 seconds of the paid going away and 20 seconds of relief. I looked forward to those 20 seconds. I wondered why this was more painful than what I remembered. The only difference was that it was an induced birth, and induced births hurt more bc of the synthetic drugs. Also, she was breech. She was butt down and her head was up. Basically, sitting on my cervix. Her feet in her face like always. At around 11am, I was screaming in pain. The laughing gas did its job for 30 mins but was no longer effective. I was barely 3cm so the nurse suggested something in the IV to put me to sleep since I had to reach until 10cm. I did say yes or no just kept crying. I wanted the pain to stop. At 11:10 she came in with the drug and put it in the IV. I was barely feeling the effects of the coldness coming in through the IV. I was still in pain. I lifted my head and I felt a pop and my water break. (I had never had my water break with the other two; they broke it for me minutes before their birth). I felt a gush of warm fluid come out as well as immediate relief. She was half out. Within my next contraction a few seconds later, she was out. I saw the shock in the nurse’s face. She said, “But you were 3cm dilated!!” She called a code and suddenly the room was filled with specialists. The room was so silent. No cries. No gasps for air. It was a reverent moment. She was finally here. Born at 11:15am. I tried to keep my eyes open but I was very disoriented. I was dizzy and tired. I immediately regretted taking the IV drugs. But who knew that five minutes later I would have her? The things with drugs are, that not just because the baby is born do they stop working. I remember a nurse coming over and saying about something about the umbilical cord. I heard the word “knot”, and “base of her belly” I blacked out.

When I woke up, I was handed her by the nurse with such care. I was still very drowsy and disoriented. I took her carefully. She was perfect. I didn’t cry. I just stared at her. Looking at ever feature. Her eyelashes. Her nose. Her long fingers. Long arms and legs. Tiny toes. I smiled because her beauty blew me away. She had curly hair!! (Mine and the girls are straight hair) I kissed her and just looked at her. The nurse took pictures. They asked me her name. Adeline. Her name was Adeline Yesenia. We had picked the name that same morning. She was no longer Hatchimal. She was now Adeline Yesenia born on March 31st, 2017 at 11:15am weighing 3lbs and 2oz and 17” in length. I was proud.

That day went by fast. I slept most of that afternoon. I was still drugged. Exactly what I didn’t want to happen. I hated that part of my decision. Nurses were in and out checking my temperature and blood pressure. I had extensive bloodwork done. I wondered how much blood they had taken. I felt weak. My friend Gloria came to visit me. I love her. My mom and sister came as well. Even Monsignor Diez came to see me. I will never forget the uplifting conversation we had. I had my baby Baptized. Her baptism was beautiful. I recorded it. I felt like my duties as her mother were satisfied. She was the newest member of the catholic faith. My mom and sister were her Godmothers. I took lots of photos with my own equipment. I also requested a photographer to come in. She was inexperienced, was only there for two months. Nonetheless, I wanted as many pics as I could because I would never see the chance to see her grow up, and photographer as much as I would have liked. I chose a package. I went to sleep for the night.

April 1st, I wanted as much time with my baby as possible. I spend the day changing her outfits and photographing her. I It wasn’t until 8pm that they were ready to discharge me. I had already made preliminary plans for funeral arrangements. I did not want to leave. I wanted to leave with her in my arms. I wanted what every mother wants when they give birth. I wanted my baby home with me. As the time was approaching, I grew more emotional. I was dreading it. I laid with her, Looked at her. Tried to remember her. I didn’t want to forget her. I looked at her curly hair again. Oh, that hair. I kissed her cold little hands. She smelled like Baby Magic. The original one. I looked at her tiny fingerprints. She made a huge impression on me. She left her print in this world. I finally wrapped her in her blanket and put her in the bassinet. Then I was taken by wheelchair out. Leaving behind a piece of my heart. A part of me. I remember the ride home. I felt so empty. There was a truck in front of us with baby feet and angel wings. That baby had passed away at 2 months. How horrible. I got home and I was greeted by my neighbor and mom. They stayed with me for a bit, then they left. I started shaking uncontrollably. I think I was moaning or grunting. I couldn’t stop. It was like spasms or chills. I don’t know. I went to bed and kept hallucinating. I thought I saw demons amongst the shadows. At one point, I gasped. I fell asleep quickly. I woke up to cold chills, then night sweats. That lasted about a week. I had nightmares. When I was awake, I was too sick to get out of bed. The thing with the body is that it doesn’t know that your baby died. My breast got engorged fast. That was painful. I was so sore. I decided to pump. I had two pumps that were waiting to be used. So, I used them. I felt a lil better. I pumped for about a week. It helped me feel better. I refused to go back to the ER for my fevers. My daughter was at the morgue in the same hospital. Plus, going back would bring too many memories of days prior. I spend the first few days planning Adeline’s funeral.

I ended up having her funeral services on April 7th. Ironically, that was the day I had made an appointment to go back to Meet A Baby to see her “one last time” before she came into this world. I did see her “one last time” but at the funeral home. Not what I was expecting. During the viewing, I took her out of her casket. I wanted to hold her and kiss her one last time. I stayed up there talking to both priests Father Eugene and Father Diez. We had her funeral service and then went out to bury her. I think I was in so much shock that I couldn’t cry. When it was over, I got home and just reflected on her short life. Eight months. From the time, she was created (Yay. Happy Birthday to me!) to when I laid her to rest, it felt like it was too short. My due date was Memorial Day. May 29th, 2017. She never made it. The next few weeks were a blur. Fighting for my benefits I was entitled to. Darn insurance companies. All those years paying my premium. I learned that (Pending the Autopsy Report) Adeline passed away due to an umbilical cord accident by “Hyper-coiled Umbilical Cord” causing fetal hypoxia. Basically, she spun around in there so many times that the umbilical cord couldn’t withstand the torsion and she passed away due to asphyxiation because her blood and oxygen supply were compromised. The Velamenous Cord Insertion did restrict her growth and she had more room to move around in there. Who knew that the cord that were supposed to extend life from me to my child is what failed her. That lifeline, and bond is what ended her life. Have you’ve ever wondered how fragile life really is? It’s extremely fragile. Adeline taught me to appreciate life. Never take it for granted. To laugh until you cry, and cry until you can no longer. She taught me to love unconditionally. She taught me to trust God more than I ever knew. And to look forward to the next day. Because another day gone, is another day closer I am to seeing her again. So, no.. I had no choice to see her go. If it were up to me, I would have wanted her here. I would have given my last breath in exchange to see her take her first. I had no choice to feel this heartbreak, but the choice I did have was to look at the bright side in life. Because, I believe, that is what she would have wanted. I love you Adeline. Thank you for everything.

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