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inconsideratekidney · 3 months ago

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10/22/24

good evening y'all,

question (/hot take?): do you prefer toaster ovens or air fryers?

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i'm curious why people put stickers on poles and other public structures. why do they waste good stickers on public spaces? sure i don't want a furry sticker or an anime one, but someone does, so why do people throw them up everywhere? i'd say keep them if you bought them! i know some are advertisements, but i see the same furry wolf sticker every week and do not need to see it. if you like it, keep it or advertise it on your own belongings, not on a public space.

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can you get along with someone who is very similar to you? do you just get someone that is very similar to you or do you clash and butt heads often? for me it depends on the person and the differences (wow, no shit!) but like seriously, yeah.. if our differences are that we both share the same trait, but in different ways, then yeah we're bound to actually be more different, but when we both have the same personality and humor is works out nicely. it's either water and oil or bread and butter. now i want some bread and butter, ooooh, no i want garlic bread.

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how does one achieve that tomboy aesthetic, while also maintaining femininity? i've had this problem since elementary school, believe it or not. i can't tell if people think i have it all together fashion-wise cuz i don't. i often see people wear similar things every day and have a general style--even if that style is extraordinary and extravagant or if they're gender fluid--i still see somewhat of a pattern, but what do they think in their heads? i'm constantly annoyed when a fit doesn't eat and also isn't comfy. it irks me that a fit is just mid and plain and stupid. when i put effort into it and it just looks like i did nothing or like i cant match a style to my body type. i still don't know what my body type is and what style would look best.

i did actually find myself recently thinking of friends and others i see on a regular basis and what clothing i would put them in or what i think would look best on them and it's honestly so much fun, until i can't focus on it for very long. i cannot daydream or fantasize on purpose which is rough when i actually have cool ideas. i wish my brain let me focus on one thing, then i'd have more to write about in this section. womp womp.

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one second i crave chocolate, and the next i crave cheese. what is up with that?? i really want one of those cheddar baked-on bagels ever since i saw someone eat it yesterday. i know i won't like it, but i want to have it. i also really love brie now. has anyone else been getting those cooking videos where all they do basically is bake garlic and smear it on bread with brie or make pesto and smear that on, drizzle a shit ton of olive oil at like every step and tons of salt and pepper at the end. crazy how at one point i saw so many of those videos and they just stick with me. love them, but they do bamboozle me. one account can just label themself as a cooking channel, but mostly post the same garlic recipe five thousand times. i will like every single one they post, but will still be annoyed they know how to get people like me. i am still shaking my fist at the stupid good algorithm.

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i wrote something yesterday while walking to class and added a bit more to it:

something about the warmth of the wind and the liveliness of the swaying flora around summoned her attention to the auburn leaves and singing fronds about. suddenly the depths of the internet mattered no more than benign particles floating just out of sight. her gaze traveled to the earth around calling out for one glimpse of recognition. one existence waiting peacefully to be noticed and appreciated by the bumbling folks who don't often pay any mind to the beauty around them. only then when her breath come back into her body did she realize she had forgotten everything prior to this moment. she took it all in, breathed in and out, and continued about her day.

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it is a struggle for me to not pick up leaves off of the ground lately. i'm kinda addicted to leaves rn. got a whole bunch of them sitting on my window sill..i'm not kidding, there's probably at least 20 or 30. and i love them all. all so beautiful in their own ways even with their "imperfections" which are totally perfect to me. i love every leaf i see on the ground, but especially the vivid orange and red ones. i do love a good brown and green leaf as well tho, gotta represent my favorite colors.

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anyshways, i felt like this was a good blog. it felt genuine and not over the top ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

tldr?: it didn't feel that long, but there's always someone who thinks it is

toaster oven or air fryer?

stickers in public

opposite persons

tomboy/feminine style

food...

something i wrote

leaves!!!

idk if these tldr's are useful or not, but i like summarizing and it keeps me on track knowing i gotta write one so i don't go on and on. maybe i should put these at the beginning, but i don't wanna. >:(

guten tag,

kD >:p

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defiantsuggestions · 3 years ago

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I feel like I can't really say I was abused because it's not as bad as it used to be. When I was younger I wasn't allowed to eat until the house was spotless, my dad regularly hit and spanked me and put me in a headlock when I did some normal little kid thing like refuse to take a nap, I would walk into my room and find my stuff destroyed and thrown around because my dad was angry, my dad even tried to exorcise the "autism demon" out of me, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

As I got older it evolved more into just verbal stuff. Slurs, insults, screaming, gaslighting, etc. Not that that stuff didn't happen when I was younger as well, it's just that by the time I was about 15 he stopped causing any physical harm to me. And he says I deserve it all and everyone else has it much worse and no one else would be able to love me or put up with me and I still believe it most of the time. I did some really dumb things when I was younger (as in 12/13) that my dad still holds against me in any arguments we have.

Anyway, sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be upset because he's at least changed a bit; and his parents were abusive, so I feel like I owe him sympathy.

Sorry this took so long to answer, it's a lot to cover and I have a few things I want to say.

1: if you are uncomfortable with the term "abuse" you don't have to use it. Go at your own pace, it's up to you. However, you do need to recognize the harm caused in order to process your trauma.

2: if you're asking for permission to call this abuse, ("I feel I cant say I was abused" reads more as not being sure if it counts than it reads as discomfort to me, but I wanted to cover that base too), then yes, what was done to you absolutely counts as abuse.

Abuse is what happens when someone with power hurts someone else, routinely, and the victim is unable to escape due to financial reasons, due to law, due to physical restraint, or due to conditioning.

Abuse can be physical. Abuse can be sexual. Abuse can be emotional and mental. Abuse can be financial.

A parent routinely doing things that hurts their child, for example, is abuse. It is impossible for the child to get away. There's a power dynamic being exploited and nothing the child can do about it.

To use another example; a romantic couple is abusive if one holds all the financial power and verbally assults the other on a regular basis, ignoring all protest because, well, they have the financial power and their victim can't leave. They can scream and yell insults all day, utterly distroy their partners self esteem, and there isn't a way to escape that.

Another example; a teen in school getting bullied by other teens. The other teens have numbers, and the victim is legally required to be there, and if the adults don't do anything about it and just let the victim suffer then that victim has suffered abuse.

3: if an abuser grows less abusive over time, or otherwise stops being abusive altogether, that doesn't make their previous actions no longer abusive. Your dad stopped hitting you- that doesn't make the fact that he used to hit you go away. Destroying your things, the physical assault, refusing to feed you. These things don't stop being abusive acts he did to you just because he's no longer doing them.

4: Verbal abuse is abuse. Screaming slurs at you and claiming you deserve it and gaslighting you is abuse.

5: Saying that no one else would be able to put up with you or love you? Abuse. My abusers used to do that, my abusers would threaten to throw me out on the streets whenever they were in a bad mood, to make me so afraid of abandonment that I'd put up with them and stop complaining. It's abuse. And it's awful, completely awful that he says those things to you. The fact that you believe it, that's something he did to you. He made you believe it. It's not true, there are billions of people out there and he has no fucking say in who would love you or not.

6: Being a victim of abuse is not an excuse to be abusive yourself. I was abused heavily, for decades, for what will ultimately be half of my overall life. If I go out and beat up a child and claim that I'm allowed to do it because I myself was abused, I'd be a terrible fucking person.

Your father being a victim himself in no way excuses his treatment of you.

7: You are not obligated to feel sympathy to your abuser. You do not owe someone who hurts you sympathy. If you feel sympathy regardless, if it is not something you can help feeling, remember that factually he does not deserve sympathy and you owe him nothing.

You're allowed to feel sympathy if that's what you feel, but don't let it cloud your judgment of what he has done.

8: You deserve to be upset. You have every right to be upset. I don't care that he's improved. He physically abused you and he is currently emotionally and verbally abusing you and the fact that you want to think it's okay that he does this is a symptom of being abused since childhood. He did this to you.

9: trying to exercise the "autism demon" out of you is shitty and ableist.

10: Overall, the things that your dad has done and is doing to you are, frankly, unforgivable, and you deserve to be angry at him for it. You deserve to be upset.

What you deserve, anon, is to be treated better. You deserve to be safe and loved and away from his abuse. He hurts you, regularly. Screaming slurs and insults and gaslighting you is hurting you. You don't deserve to be hurt. You deserve to be treated better than this, anon.

And I'm so, so sorry you've been treated this way.

You deserve better.

#defiant answers #cptsd vent #tw: ableism #tw: slurs

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hyotenhyakkaso · 4 years ago

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LETS TALK ABOUT VERSES

Verses: (Alphabetical order)

A Place In This World Verse: Jou’s babu years to just before he joined a gang

Number One Verse: Bleach verse lmao

Did It To Myself Verse: UNKNOWN FASJLDFKADS J

Everybody’s Lonely Verse: Jou’s alone in the world and questioning himself and every relationship he’s had. He figures he’s better off alone and everyone’s fine without him so after a vacation he decides to disappear for good. Leaving no trace or evidence that he’d been there at all, like he’s been erased from existence altogether.

Every Heart Verse: InuYasha Au

Fly away Verse: Breath of the wild Au

Hiding In Your Hands Verse: (Main Verse): Jounouchi Katsuya is a part snow leopard due to unfortunate circumstances in his childhood. The rest is history however. ..... Yet, while the Duel monsters world is safe, the real world is not. Jou takes it upon himself to make sure that gang activity doesn’t skyrocket and take down those he sees as a threat to the population. He also adopts four children, Pit, Dark Pit, Jaden and Nimue. Finds a brother in Sora and a sister in Elsa and Anna. His life is weird but its his.

Icarus Verse: Jou works for Kaibacorp for shits and giggles and messes with Seto. He thinks they’re friends while Seto is trying to get used to this. (Exclusive Kaibacorpbros verse)

Killing Time Verse: Literally just crossover verses lmao

Leave Out All The Rest Verse: Oops, Jou fell too deep into his gang life again, he becomes a gang leader and eventually dies from it. He’s shown that he does have loved ones that love him back. The spirit that helps him lets him turn back the clock and fix whatever mistake he made. Endless loop until he figures out what he did wrong and how to fix it.

Loser Baby Verse: Everything from the original deleted blog falls into this verse unless stated otherwise.

Mr Sandman Man Me A Sand Verse: Absolute crack/chaos

Never Get Used To People Verse: Insane Jou au????? Maybe??????

Ready Steady Go! Verse: Fullmetal Alchemist Au (Will eventually be fleshed out when I figure out wtf is going on)

See Me Through Verse: Kingdom Hearts Au taking place in canon. Between the regular villain of the month episodes, Jou’s fighting his own monsters. Literally! Set with his keyblade Starset, he tries

Thank You, Next Verse: He fully comes into himself in this au and quits the gang life for good. He goes to college and goes into car manufacturing business.

Who is In Control? Verse: Jou never leaves his gang leader position, never makes friends with Yugi or Tristan and eventually becomes a bigger problem than Hirotani. No one’s sure who is worse, their previous leader or their current one. The blonds tendency to get himself into danger more often than not nearly get him killed on a regular basis. And he’s starting to realize he doesn’t care if he does.

Verses I’m not sure fall into the above categories or into their own categories: (To be discussed with muns)

Right Here Verse: Exclusive verse with Mutogamingco

Be Somebody Verse: Exclusive Verse with Game-weaver

I’d Lie Verse: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I dunno yet but its like- Exclusive verse with Dungeondicediva

Lullaby for a stormy night Verse: He pretty much unofficially adopts Pit and Dark Pit as his sons and raises them alongside a goddess- (Yeah he’s questioning himself too but he wouldn’t change it)

Shipping Verses:

Monster Verse: Exclusive shipping verse for atlantis-prince. However this also contains Atem’s, Mai’s, Joey’s and other’s fights with Jou about getting together with the evil boi. I need to start containing this to this verse, its starting to bleed into other verses- Namely Hiding In Your Hands.

Must Have Been The Wind Verse: Exclusive shipping verse with Darkheartedprince (?)

Once In A Dream Verse: Exclusive shipping verse with Soraofdestinyislands

The Drug In Me Is You Verse: Exclusive shipping verse with Thiefakefia

Watermelon Sugar Verse: Exclusive shipping verse with Lightheartedwarrior

You Can’t Fight the Moonlight Verse: Exclusive shipping verse with World-duelists: ~I’m in love with the goddess who lives down the street the girl may work at wafflehouse but she dunnt miss a beat (Jaden)~ ~ I want you to remember this when you put yourself down I cannot fear my future now that I have you around (Joey)~

Character Tags:

Atem (millennium-puzzle-spirit): ~I’ll carry you home no you’re not alone keep marching on this is worth fighting for you know we all have battle scars (Atem)~

Atem (Sennenpharaoh): ~See that line well I never should have crossed it stop right there that’s the very moment that I wish that I could take back (Atem)~

Akefia (theifakefia): ~Your secrets keep you sick your lies keep you alive Snake eyes every single time you roll with crooked dice (Akefia)~

Aizen (Bleachintothemultiverse): ~The world you once created inside your dreams is brought to life as it now leads you and I across the distant sky! (Aizen)~

Bakura (tenacioustheif): ~We could set the world alight there is so much you could be if only you'd join me we’d make one hell of a team (Bakura)~

Byakuya (Bleachintothemultiverse): ~Thousands of cherry blossoms dwindling in the light though I can’t hear your voice keep what I say in mind (Byakuya)~

Dark Pit (WinglessArcher): ~You’ll be in my heart no matter what they say you’ll be here in my heart always (Dark Pit)~

Dartz (Atlantis-prince): ~So I will talk to you the only way I know how to I’ve said my speech through sharpened teeth (Dartz)~

Elsa (Iskrone): ~You can lift your head up to the sky Take a deeper breath and give it time You can walk the path among the lines (Elsa)~

Hanataro (Bleachintothemultiverse): ~Though a thousand words have never been spoken they’ll fly to you crossing over the time and distance (Hanataro)~

Jaden (World-Duelists): ~Live in the now and break your confines take ahold of this precious time glory days cause your life is not to trade (Jaden)~

Jaden (Tenebrosity-bulwark): ~Cause now again I found myself so far down away from the sun that shines into the darkest place Im so far down away from the sun (Jaden)~

Joey (Luckyredeyes): ~I’m alive oh yeah between the good and bad’s where you’ll find me reaching for heaven I will fight and I’ll sleep when I die (Joey)~

Joey (World-Duelists): ~When darkness turns to daybreak go out and see for your sake the people of this world may share your pain (Joey)~

Joey (brooklynxsweetheart): ~ I see your monsters I see your pain tell me your problems I'll chase them away I'll be your lighthouse (Joey)~

Mai (ohmaiwhathavewedone): ~Hey sister do you still believe in love I wonder? Oh if the sky comes falling down for you theres nothing in this world I wouldnt do (Mai)~

Mana (mahoushoumonster): ~Cause you cant jump the track we’re like cars on a cable and lifes like an hourglass glued to the table (Mana)~

Mokuba (Kaibacorpbros) ~Daydreamer kidnap me take me back all the way back to them days runnin around in a gown and a crown barefoot (Mokuba)~

Nimue (Tenebrosity-bulwark): ~The most powerful thing you own is your voice scream above the noise that you’re perfect as you are even when times are hard (Nimue)~

Otogi (Dungeondicediva): ~Here’s to us here’s to love all the times that we fucked up here’s to you fill the glass (Otogi)~

Pit (WinglessArcher): ~Come my child stay with me I’ll protect you and your dreams. Rest my child ‘neath the tree like it’s branches reach for me (Pit)~

Seto (Kaibacorpbros): ~Icarus Icarus why you so serious serious? You know you gotta let it go cause you're flying too close (Seto)~

Sora (Asorableisms): ~Though we don't share the same blood. You're my brother and I love you thats the truth. (Sora)~

Sora (Soraofdestinyislands): ~When I’m awake I hide all the chains so you aren’t afraid I can’t stop I cant break I carry the weight for you (Sora)~

Yugi (Game-weaver): ~I'm just the boy inside the man not exactly who you think I am trying to trace my steps back here again so many times (Yugi)~

Yugi (Mutogamingco): ~I wanted to be like you I wanted everything So I tried to be like you and i got swept away I didnt know that it was so cold (Yugi)~

Updated when new verses form!

#Verses #~THIS IS WHAT YOU ASKED FOR~#~IVE DONE IT.~#~AT LEAst the ones I remember~#~Should probably have a parallel Jou verse but my mind is blanking out on songs. I'm gonna count this as done~

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piamii · 5 years ago

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Taking a mental health day from work today but was really conflicted about how to word it.

Last year I took a few mental health days but there were 6 of us so maybe it was less conspicuous

It’s only me this year and I for some reason keep feeling this push pull with my supervisor to be close and honest with her

Last night I was feeling ok about work. But after once again not sleeping properly I feel like somethings up with me

I’m feeling all the ways I used to feel about my mental health

Being small is not okay, it’s not okay to let go, I’m responsible for all of my clients progress and safety

Which is true in a way but

I also have beeen thinking about the difference between me and my supervisor

She’s the only person I see on a regular basis. Like I see her 4 times a week

So I don’t know how to be myself, a postdoc

I keep comparing myself to her

I wondered to myself would anyone else take a mental health day in my position?

Who cares, others aren’t me

It’s like I forgot I’m extremely sensitive and have been sobbing every day and not sleeping well at all during the weekdays

My nutrition and hydration and shit has been ok, so I’m not getting sick which is the weird part

Im so incredibly emotionally constipated

There are so many incredibly destructive thoughts in my head right now that haven’t been addressed

Things have just gotten increasingly harder for a long time now and I can’t tell where adjustment starts and my dysfunctional mental state ends

Is it really ok for me to say work is too much?

Does it make me pathetic?

Didn’t I feel this way in all previous years too?

2nd year, it wasn’t like this but at least I was more honest with myself about how anxious and nervous I was about work. I definitely took it easy and complained more often. I slept poorly frequently on clinical days and would feel really angry about it. I don’t think I got sick more than once that year

3rd year i wasn’t sleeping quite as poorly but still had sleep problems, hated my commute. That was the year I kind of had to start blocking people out of my life, like not completely but was so down and exhausted that I couldn’t function socially outside of work and school. I didn’t get sick much tho. Definitely noticed SAD symptoms starting this year but to be honest felt somewhat depressed on and off through early winter until spring which is I guess the colder darker months in OR. I think I had some SI but it was towards the end of winter

4th year was when I had more somatic issues. My sleep was honestly not bad that year comparatively speaking but when m and I broke up during internship application season I had a bunch of health issues that resolved shortly after my interviews ended. Tbh internship interviews were a nice reprieve from the dark slump that probably would have hit me if I had just done school in the winter. I had my first sinus infection in spring and went to see Slushii anyways Hahahha.

Internship year... I had a sinus infection too and got a cold maybe 2 other times. Last year was the most I’ve ever gotten sick. I took a mental health day maybe like 3 times and actually used sick days too. I want to say this was the hardest year for me mental health wise until this year in terms of symptoms but the best in terms of self care. By like April/May I was feeling really good about life. Maybe it’s the weather here too idk

This year feels so much harder than the other years combined. I’ve used one sick day and two mental health days and I’m having a hard time understanding where I’m at mental health wise in conjunction with who I need to be to do well at work. It feels like I’m growing at an unmanageable pace. I’ve had the most frequent SI I’ve ever had in my life which is somewhat alarming to me. I’m safe don’t worry but I’m just saying the thoughts coming into my head. My sleep is getting reallynfucked up over these last 2 weeks. I sleep like a baby on the weekends which makes me feel like it’s stress related. On one hand I’m acclimating to this insane amount of stress and on the other hand it feels like every day I’m being stretched open and carved out.

I’m not even ruminating that much before bed anymore. Like I’m not actively distressed like I used to be when things hit me hard last year. I’m just constantly unhappy and anxious this year which I feel like is my lot in life right now. My self care has gotten much better last year and this year, but this year it’s been harder to find ways to relax. Things went downhill really fast, when the seasons finally changed here and I started seeing 4 of my clients in the field. I am most definitely consistently working over 40 hrs a week now. I tried really hard last year to work less whenever I could and honestly the agency was pretty good about giving us a reasonable workload. But now it feels like I’m meeting the real world, where work just comes at you and never says sorry. You had to do extra and stay longer this week? Sucks for you. You have to completely uproot your already untenable schedule because one of your clients has really a really complex risk presentation? Welp that’s the price of doing this work.

Like when I was told the weeks here typically don’t go past 40 hrs I feel like I was lied to. I feel alone and singled out bc I’m the only postdoc this year. I want to know how C felt 2 years ago. If there were 2 of us I feel like I’d be having an okay time. Can you fucking believe they had a hard time building to full caseload last year? It cannot be just me in this position. I want to give up every day.

I don’t feel protected I don’t feel like I can ever let my guard down. There is no one I talk to regularly that I can be honest with. I don’t have the energy to relay this information to the people I do talk to regularly which at this point is my supervisor and M. And like hell im going to tell my supervisor this stuff.

Is this the real world?

Something tells me it is, but I have to find a way through it somehow

I’m still debating about this one client. She’s on my mind a lot and I’m scared which is probably a parallel experience to what her family is experiencing.

The fuck you mean our ethical duty? What am I supposed to take away from that convo? I know I have my own voice and opinion but that made me feel really bad for not doing exactly as you said. I know I tend towards the anxious paranoid side of things but that really scared me because instilll can’t think straight about this client and I sure as hell cant go to you.

The relationship between e and I has changed too, I think she’s overwhelmed too

Something that keeps popping up over and over again is- how fucking awful it would be for a client to complete suicide

I know it happens and it’s time I face that this could happen

It’s a terrifying thought and I almost don’t want to tell anyone that I’m having it

It feels shameful and dangerous to think about, because if I can’t handle it who could?

Who can contain this for me and tell me it’s okay? I don’t want to fucking hear that I should do more

It’s a complex mess of emotions inside my head. I understand why I would need to do more in this situation but there’s no room for it. I want help in trying to balance but my schedule is already unbalanced and bringing me into a dark place emotionally.

What if because I took today off no one sees my hospital patients all week?

Friday is going to suck ass if that’s the case

I could ask my supervisor directly to see them

But I want to be small today

And that would take a lot from me

How does the psychology service work at the hospital during Xmas break?

Uhhhh....

Shit.

I’m scared for some stupid reason that someone will make me stay during break or I’ll have to work some crazy stupid long hours on Friday

I hate ongoing patients bc they still need to be seen but it’s kind of your choice whether or not to see them

It’s like adding an automatic to do to the list every time I’m there but the task takes 2 hrs at least

I’m always scared I have to stay late at the hospital, luckily the latest has been 6:30 but I’m terrified every time I go in that it’s going to be longer

This is new for me and it’s ok to get freaked out

To not have a clear idea how much I am going to work each day and each week really puts me off

I feel pathetic because aren’t there a lot of jobs that are unpredictable like that? Especially once you become salaried ?

My stomach is starting to hurt

It’s weird because I haven’t gotten any somatic symptoms this year but I’ve also been sobbing my eyes out every day so maybe that’s why my body is feeling okay. I haven’t really cried the last few days because I’m just very tired of crying at this point, so maybe that’s why my stomach has been hurting a bit more

Every time m says something nice to me, hell anytime anyone says something nice to me I start to cry and I’m just so fucking done with crying and feeling out of control just to have nothing change and things even get harder at work

Fuck!!!!!

I haven’t properly dealt with this terrified feeling

I have to tell myself this feeling is informative but separate from reality

I’m so fucking scared.

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bennett-fan · 6 years ago

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What is a smartwatch?

Isnt it funny how it seems as soon as every few years a additional fragment of tech comes along and runs the combined gamut. That is manufacturers later Samsung, Motorola, or Sony scramble every higher than each other aggravating to get the best product to market. Most of them believe the thesame formula and press on it a bit here and there, but its not enormously often a company comes going on subsequent to something essentially unique.

Then once more unique is relative. endure smartwatches for example. I tend to bow to they are extremely unique for one simple defense (and well get to that in a bit), even though others think they are merely a gimmick- a current fad if you will.

5 swap smartwatchesI genuinely understand they are unique because of how popular smartphones are today. Just allow a venture out into the world and observe how many people use their smartphones constantly. One situation we tend to reach later than you have one is for eternity check it for notifications. We all reach it its a habit thats unconditionally hard to break. Thats where smartwatches come in and its along with why I think theyre unique, they can cut beside upon this infatuation to be tethered to a smartphone clearly because they come up with the money for that visual stimulation for you.

One of the most fascinating things that a smartwatch can do, or most of them can anyway, is be close to directly to your smartphone and display notifications, updates and messages right from your wrist. That means you dont even habit to tug your smartphone out of your pocket to check your latest email. You can simply point of view your wrist and glance next to real quick, leaving behind you later the opportunity to remain social or focused on what youre doing.

Okay, so that seems a bit silly later you think nearly it. Theyre helpfully a piece of wearable tech which achievement following a smartphone and eliminate your dependency on tech. The matter is, smartwatches can complete consequently much more than that. Which brings us to our first point, what are smartwatches and what can they do?

What Makes a SmartWatch Smart?

The first issue youre probably going to ask is what makes them suitably smart, right? in imitation of smartphones and smartTVs, smartwatches are considered to be smart because of the features they have to offer. They complete appropriately much more than a within acceptable limits watch, which has a certain strive for to keep track of time.

Its hard to portray smartwatches in their entirety without moving on smartphones too. At this narrowing in time, until a company comes in the works following a enlarged solution, most smartwatches must be paired like a smartphone in order to get the full experience. This is because a smartwatch all by its isolated is truly just nothing but a watch as soon as the talent to manage simple apps.

samsung galazy gear smartwatchThats not to tell a smartwatch isnt useful if you dont have it paired to a smartphone, it just means a lot of the unique functionality is removed from the equation. taking into consideration I said above, thats because a smartwatch generally augments your smartphone by displaying messages, notifications and updates in a more accessible manner.

Most smartwatches have a small capacitive touchscreen display, approximately identical to what youd find on the latest smartphones albeit in a much smaller form factor. Depending on the brand or model of the smartwatch, it operates just next a smartphone. You can install apps on it, customize or personalize it, or just view notifications in realtime.

Of course, some smartwatches dont have a touchscreen, and others have significantly less functionality. It just depends upon the model and brand. For example, the Pebble smartwatch (which first appeared upon the crowdfunding platform Kickstarter) offers all of the above. while the Martian Victory on the supplementary hand is a within acceptable limits smartwatch later a extremely little LCD screen that deserted displays simple notifications.

They change in price and functionality, but theres something approachable for everyone in terms of what you desire out of a smartwatch.

What are the Most Common Uses of a Smartwatch?

Because this ask is enlarged answered considering a immediate and simple bullet list, thats what Im going to use.

Receive and view notifications, messages or updates in realtime right on your smartwatch display Install apps tailored specifically for your smartwatch to move on functionality (only upon prefer models and brands) Personalize or customize the general screen melody and style (for the most allowance this has to reach like visual elements onscreen much next how you personalize your smartphone homescreen, icons, etc.) Keep track of time View manual updates or keep happening bearing in mind important meetings and tasks (select models and brands only) Looking good, or gone a unquestionable geek (depends upon how you see it and what model you select) Listen to music or collision and grind down (depends upon the model) What a Smartwatch Cant realize Well

You cant evaluate a smartwatch without after that outlining what they are not talented of doing, as a result over heres a bulleted list.

Smartwatches are not good for recommendation consumption, that is you dont want to use them to entrance extended text content or news Handle smartphones tasks and functions directly, or in extra words dont expect to be practiced to reply messages, emails or feint similar deeds right from your smartwatch Use apps designed for a smartphone, because most apps infatuation to be tailored specifically for the smaller screen and being activated from your wrist Snapping photos effectively, even if Im certain someday smartwatches will increase inline cameras (everything does these days) I dont see a practicable pretension to take on images later your wrist Play games, in my guidance touchscreen controls are difficult sufficient to direct forget having to distress a virtual joystick on such a little screen like one hand Offer unbelievable style, dont acquire me wrong there are some astonishing looking smartwatches out there and some of them even get beautiful darn near to mammal stylish (I personally love more minimalistic style watches), but a bulky wristwatch just isnt trendy to most Please keep in mind that the points made above are generalized. Not everyone will take over in the manner of them and some may have a alternating opinion, which is fine. allow the latter tapering off approximately style, for example. I personally have no concentration in style nor accomplish I care whether or not a smartwatch looks good. In fact, I tone that some of the watches see damn good, even sitting on a wrist. That mammal said, this list offers more of an mean entre to what smartphones cant do.

All Things Considering, Should I purchase a Smartwatch?

To be perfectly honest, no one can in point of fact reply this question but you and its legal of all things not just smartwatches. I wholeheartedly suggest work a fair amount of research into a supplementary piece of tech taking into account a smartphone or smartphone since admin to a local buildup and plopping down the cash. There are consequently many rotate brands and models to pick from, and thus many every second functions that they can total or not count up at all. You want to pick the model and brand thats right for you.

Worse yet, salesmen at most retail stores have some idea of what a product can complete but youd be hard-pressed to locate a valid expert. Admittedly, even someone subsequently myself who is high and dry in the world of technology, gadgets and computers doesnt know every there is to know. That is because there are correspondingly many brands, models, or product types there is no habit to know absolutely everything.

To put it bluntly, an Apple guru wont be competent to accustom the assist of an Android device and vice versa (unless of course they use both platforms upon a regular basis).

The dwindling here is that you desire to see at the strengths, weaknesses and features of every models and pick the one that fits your needs best. Looking at the points made above, attain you think a smartwatch will be worth your money? pull off you tone that a smartwatch can attain what you want it to? If the reply is no, and you want a particular feature or play in that hasnt been implemented still then you should retain off.

The technology will help in the coming years, and that means smartwatches will build up to the lessening where they can accomplish more than whats listed here. keep this information in mind later than once your neighboring purchase, and you cant go wrong.

#smartwatch #watches #watch

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braindumpsterfires · 6 years ago

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“Like cubic zirconia, I only look real. I'm an imposter. The fact is, I am not like other people.” ― Augusten Burroughs, Dry

I got pretty good at faking it, I guess. There was a time when “are you okay?” was a pretty often question I’d hear from the few people I had in my life. I’d zoned off again, disassociating. Maybe somebody glanced my way weird and it seemed they could be judging me. There goes my mood. The only thing I can do is look away and stay quiet, legs shaking, goosebumps all over... Nausea so bad I can’t help but gag from time to time... Sometimes I’d answer the question, often to be dismissed as “just being sensitive” or “nervous” and just to “forget about it” and “focus on something else.” They didn’t get it. Not to get into the gross details, but my bowels have been greatly effected by my illness, and I had thought it was “just nerves”. It had happened as long as I can remember. I was an “anti-social” kid. When I was real young if you’d talk to me and you weren’t somebody I’d see on a regular basis, I’d lose my shit. Not like literally... But, I couldn’t handle strangers. I’d start to freak out and cry and shut down. I wouldn’t communicate with them. I didn’t know what anxiety was then.

Mentally ill meant crazy... I wasn’t crazy, and I knew that then. To me that’d mean I would hear distinct voices or do weird twitches or hoard or something like on TV. Like One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. Because my thoughts didn’t match up with what I felt mental illness meant, I had accepted I was just “sensitive”, “shy”, “quiet”, “weird”, “moody”, “dramatic”, “obsessive”, “manic”, “hard to love”, “exhausting”, as I was told time and time again. Left undiagnosed, it only got worse and worse. Life didn’t know it had to be a little gentler with me. That I was sick. The adults in my life pushed me harder when they needed to sit me down and talk with me and just try to understand that my brain is different. They couldn’t see my brain was sick and needed help.

I’d grab hold of anyone who would give me the time of day and wouldn’t let go unless they rejected me. I thought love meant somebody who could tolerate being around me and say what I needed to hear at the time to soothe the fucking demon that is my illness. I got into relationships with people I should’ve kept as friends. I misinterpreted connections and charmed my way into the situations I thought I needed... to feel something. Something to fill the void of emptiness I had felt for so long. If it meant me having to do all the work in the relationship, I did it. That’s why my name is still on a house that I will receive no equity in when sold, despite the fact I paid the mortgage for a long time. Hell, go back even further... I was married at 19. I’ve often considered having a child with partners in the past with a direct goal in my head that that meant they wouldn’t leave me ever. That’s an unhealthy way to think. But it isn’t my fault... All I can say is, I’m sure glad somehow nature was kind to my broken-brained self and kept me fairly safe. I have credit card debt. But I don’t have any STDs or diseases, I don’t have any kids... The divorce actually was finalized (forced by a partner at the time, but it was the push I needed to get it done, so whatever.)

It’s not easy to sit here today and accept the fact that all the people I’ve had hate in my heart for for so long just didn’t know how to deal with me. I can’t blame them completely, though I’ve pushed a large portion of my insecurities on them and their actions in my life specifically. They say a lot of recovery begins with forgiving people. Forgiveness is a concept I haven’t explored much, not when dismissing my feelings as not real is far less anxiety-inducing. I mean sure, some who have meandered in and out of my life deserve to stay gone, because their actions, while overlooked at the time, can now be looked back on as unforgivable. In no way blaming myself, the thought does occur to me that perhaps my chemical imbalances are the spark of many of the traumas I’ve experienced. I don’t give those people that much power, honestly. It isn’t “all their fault.” What I am saying is if I caught this thing before it ran my life for this long, things would be way different. My life has been quite the cocktail of undiagnosed, ignored, dismissed mental illness and life events that would devastate a person who would be considered, generally, mentally healthy... It’s no wonder everyone is in awe of how much shit I’ve experienced in 25 years. I’ve lived through things many people probably never even will experience, and 90% of it was set into motion by my mental illness. It strapped me to a bad situation and wouldn’t let me leave until I couldn’t handle it any longer. Cutting the ties had to be very abrupt and as impersonal as possible, (cant handle somebody being mad at me...) Getting out meant sending a text or even an email, then throwing my phone across the room, ignoring the world for as long as possible. I know breaking up that way is the asshole way to do it. But I literally couldn’t handle that kind of pressure with another person.

Weed wasn’t a thing then, I was too afraid because I had been raised to associate weed with prescription pain pills... They were evil, and had made it so my childhood was never stable and I lived in a car for a minute and never had my own room and spent 7 years sleeping on an area rug on a living room floor. And no one paid attention, so I stayed unhealthy mentally. And it got worse. And worse.

As I think so deeply about it, things make more and more sense. These deep inner thoughts about MYSELF seemed so foreign before. Maybe I could imagine it for a flicker of a second, but then the lack of self worth would come into play and I’d obsess over how poorly I did something or how those in my life didn’t truly love me and that I felt so empty and bored and just wanted to feel...something. Faking love is fucked up. It’s fucked up to have done it a lot throughout your life. I’m done with that shit...

I believe the mental illness itself has been passed to me from my mother. My dad was mentally healthy, aside from abusing alcohol for a time (which he sought AA for because of me and recovered from and remained sober from when I could walk, on.) My mother abused sleeping pills at the end. She killed herself accidentally... She just wanted peace from the disorder that she never was allowed to understand. But I can see it now. I won’t let myself not get help for this. I want a life worth living, damnit. For once in my life I fucking feel like I deserve that. And that’s a really, really new and cool thing for me.

I don’t feel empty today. I’ve had fun and have been pinpointing things I enjoy that make me, well...me. It started out with spending a good portion of my day with W, and that friendship is going along real well. It’s cool being able to share my sudden self discovery with somebody like I was able to last night and today. I’m totally ready to develop more healthy friendships. For the first time I want to put myself into social situations on purpose. I want to interact with likeminded people and have fun. That sounds so obvious as I reread it to myself... But before this breakthrough I really couldn’t enjoy that (masks are great coping mechanisms, fooled ya.)

And if love finds me eventually, that’s cool. I do hope it does. But for now, I’m just going to keep being me, especially now that I have stuff I genuinely want to experience and do now. I see how I’ve forced things I didn’t even want in the past, just to have someone, and I won’t do that shit again. I hope certain people stick around, but I’m not bending over backwards for people who don’t deserve it anymore.

I suddenly want to start creating things again... building models, reading, photography... I’ve wanted to look into going back to school, but always dismissed the thought because the impulsive decisions I’ve made in my life never allowed me to do things for me. Or, rather, I could have... If I had the self confidence and love for myself to want things for myself enough to push on. Instead I’d do what I needed to do to keep my partner and my routine, even if it meant exhausting myself and forgetting what “relaxing” even felt like. I could lay around all I wanted, but my brain wasn’t like a dog. It wouldn’t sit or stay or anything else. It did what it always did... Negative thoughts, obsess...obsess...obsess....

When I’ve slept for 13 hours straight or spent a day doing absolutely nothing, I’m not being lazy. My body isn’t tired. My soul is. But my levels must be okay because I like doing things again today. The depression is gone, (for now. I don’t expect to be happy forever, that isn’t realistic, nor should it be.) It’s very brief departure made me go and get medicated that day in 2015 saved my life, I think. For a moment I cared about myself and wanted to try. Something then must’ve given me hope. What I had accepted before as character flaws that I was stuck with were really mental issues that I now see and understand and accept, and, better yet, now can manage properly. The next step is getting diagnosed by a specialist (a second opinion), and perhaps talk to a therapist, (at least until my thoughts are sorted.)

I guess I’ll allow myself to research this a bit more before I go do something else. Or maybe sleep... It is 12:17 AM and, while without anxiety and actually happy, I’m exhausted from how much deep soul-searching I’ve done the last 24 hours. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I’m excited about life. The thought of “I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to exist anymore” seems kinda insane to me right now. There’s so much out there I haven’t seen or experienced yet. Like so fucking much. And well, I’m kinda cool. I’m starting to like myself today. I won’t say love... We’re just seeing how things go. Baby steps. One day at a time...

-AEL

#bpd #mental illness #borderline personality disorder #depression #anxiety #life #therapy #actually borderline #borderline #mental health #journal #healing

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she-rules-her-own-world · 7 years ago

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Dear Mr Rawr Rawr

Are you proud of us? Do we still make you smile when we do something great?

Out of the four of us... only two of us talk on a regular basis. I liked keeping up with the rest of them but i guess they didnt do the same with me.

H has a almost 2 year old? Thankfully she left her baby daddy. She deserved somebody so much better than him. But we dont talk with her anymore. I know you didnt like her that much but i am sure that you still watch over her.

A is pregnant. But i am sure you have been watching over her too. She is still one of my close friends but i know she can lead a better life. Im scared that all she is going to be is the country boys perfect wife. Barefoot and in the kitchen pregnant... i dont want that life for her. But she doesnt have a GED and that worries me. I want her to get it. I do but i dont have the authority to push her to do anything anymore.

Your actual daughter.. shes a trip. She has been since you have been gone... cant believe its been 6 years already. We all miss you like crazy.. Im probably always going to write these letters because i loved talking to you. I’m sorry i blocked your daughter on facebook and instagram. I couldnt handle it. I tried reaching out to her after her fight with A but i guess that she just doesnt want to deal with me. I dont understand how she works... Constantly cheating on her boyfriend... i dont know. Its funny to think that the three of us were thinking about getting tattoos together this time a year ago. Funny how life throws curveballs at you.

Maybe one day we will all be talking again... I dont think it is going to happen for a while since they kicked A out for not finding a job.. and since her, A and TJ and some other kid got herpes... and tj and her fell in love. Wow our friend group is a mess.. Can you believe that? lol probably considering we were a mess when it was originally just the 4 of us... wow 3 of us dated the same person...

Then theres me. I dont know how much you keep tabs on my life.. Im not dating my highschool sweetheart anymore... we broke up my sophmore year in college... I had a fling with one of my guy friends... which is why i broke up with J. he ended that fling second semester. Then i started a best friend flirtatious ship with my other guy friend and that lasted a while and we were dating for a bit too but that ended because i said no too much and he needed sex.. Can you believe that? Im sure you know this and have known this since i was the 10 year old hanging out at your house.. Im asexual. Which means i dont have sexual feelings towards people... it doesnt mean that i dont have sex. Because i have... but some of my friends think that i have just had bad sex and thats why i dont like it...

I dont think that is the case at all.. Im just not a sexual being.. i never really have been. I dont like thinking about other people doing the dirty. I dont like putting that label even on myself.

Did you ever see me as uptight? i hope not. because i dont think i was.. I was too self aware to be uptight. Your wife called me uptight and that she was happy that i was finally “letting loose” im not sure if that is really how i feel though...

Last summer was a show.I was trying to find myself in places that i couldnt. I still had people surrounding me and pressuring me to do things.

I hope this summer is different in the way that i can actually find myself.. that i actually figure it out. Figure out what i want to do with this stupid math degree that i am pursuing. With the science literacy minor. I hope that i can accomplish that this summer. I hope that you are still watching over us with all that love that you had. I wish that one day i will get to meet you again and you will say you are proud of all of us even though we did some pretty stupid shit.

we all miss you

love

Nikki

#mr. rawr rawr #rawr rawr #rar rar #miss you #one day #i hope to see you again #thank you #i like writing to you #even if you dont get them #i like letters #i can explain myself better in them

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anathemanonymous · 4 years ago

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Spilling it in the first person: truths I need to accept

Well, it's not going well. I feel like I am not moving forward,but backward. I held myself back by trying to do the right thing.

I gave you the whole house in trade for my freedom. There was no end date on the agreement. It simply stated you would get the property and all the responsibility of the associated bills. It also stated you would agree to hold me harmless.

Well, that didnt happen.

I'm still stuck 4 years after leaving. The attorney told me not to pay off the foreclosure but I did. Twice. I stopped the process of filing contempt in August. She was livid. She offered me the option to have you removed from the house and I could keep it. Well, I had just signed the apt lease. A one year contract. How was I supposed to afford two house payments? I didn't want that responsibility. I left the house to prove I wasnt married to this man for the money. He refused to leave. So I did.

Both our names remain on the title. Bank cant take me off. You refuse to sell. You cannot afford to refinance.

What are you trying to do here?

As I am being held in place by obligation you insist upon complaining about how it is my fault that you are suffering. How you are refusing to cooperate. Refuse to work or pay bills. Refuse to accept that I left. Refuse to reach out or grow in healthy ways. Refuse to stop drinking or doing drugs. Refuse to try to improve our shitty relationship. Refuse to reach out to your own child. Refuse to sell the house. Refuse to clean it. Trick me into calling off the attorney at the last foreclosure: you say you will pay me back the $5500 and we can fix up the house. I tell you how uneasy I feel about this deal. You tell me to trust you.

I clean and clean on my days off work and you sit and ridicule and drink. You tell me it's no rush. You literally have no money to fix it up. I have gone round and around with Fred at the agency to get him to agree to put the house on the market and how we need to sell to a qualified buyer. How to ensure no consequences from this home being doomed. How to do the right thing. How to honor the promises to the agency and to the bank. Its ridiculous how often I've triaged with your mother. How many phone calls and notes kept on the research of creating a plan to salvage the property and you.

And you. I have given you money. I have paid your debts. I have taken you to the doctor. I set you up for evaluation of ADHD. You cry about your health. You cant get off the couch. You cry about being broke, depressed with no reason to live. When I speak to you, you continue to put me down, to accuse me of never caring. You accuse me of malicious crimes against you for the past 16 years. You claim I just used you. My entire life was built around supporting you. You accuse me of going against you deliberately. You blame for your behaviors of rude comments and refusals to cooperate or participate in anything related to parenting or household chores or budgeting or my feelings. I was threatened by your recklessness. I was doomed to being overly responsible but got nothing but contempt in return.

There wasn't peace. There wasnt love. No support. Constant arguments and blow ups. Constant strife. Constant pain. Carrying your weight twice my size. Trying to rape me. Trying to negate me. Trying to minimize me. Criticizing every fucking thing I did or said or believed. Faking it in front of your friends and parents. Giving nothing but expecting me to provide for your every need on a whim. Needing help with your business books, spending hours only to be discredited and rejected. You put your shit first. You blocked my path with your messiness. You left it all up to me but gave me no credit, no control and no power. Then accuse me of doing the same to you. You ridiculed my hobbies, my goals, my dreams. You chose your friends over me. You drank to the point of black out every day. You stopped working. Your buisness partner abandoned you even after he stole from the business account, you kept him around. You kept giving him your share of our household bills instead of pay our bills. So I paid. You stole my tax returns for years. You were rude and inconsiderate toward how any of your shitty choices affected me and our family. You have withheld love and given only pain. You ignored my feelings and needs. And now you complain and claim to suffer worse than me?

What about me??

To top it off: after moving out and returning on a regular basis to check in with you even as you deliberately were harming me financially and emotionally...I get hate when I remove the loaded guns in the house bc you're suicidal from all the drugs and no sleep and not eating and not working and I worry and I feel sorry and I want to keep things normal so I see the mess and try not to do the cleaning, the yardwork.

I play with the dogs and feed them and you always leave when I arrive ...or start an argument until you chase me away.

After 4 years of being ridiculed and blamed....instead of being heard and validated.

I have to actually accept that you are openly and intentionally holding me hostage financially and emotionally. You admit it on text. Your mother claims you were just drinking and you didnt mean it. What will it take to justify my actions?

Its been 4 years of waiting on pins and needles. Of not breathing. Or being stuck. Not to mention the 7 years before I left the house. Trying to fix things.

Looking back, I've never received emotional support from you. Other than to stay away from my family.

I have a hard time accepting the fact that you didn't improve yourself when I left. You got worse. You stopped trying long before I left. And I hoped you would recognize how awful you'd become. I was risking a chance that you would change into a responsible adult. Learn to care for me in real ways. Appreciate me, quite frankly. I was looking for appreciation. Recognition. Acceptance. Acknowledgement. The elements of love.

I left because there was no love.

It was the right thing to do.

Unhealthy relationships are meant to fall apart.

Blame me or blame you. It doesn't matter. It takes two to have a relationship. It becomes one sided.

Wait. It was always one sided. I wanted to believe it was a mutual relationship. I dreamed it. I created the illusion of it. But it could not be felt. Bc it was a mirage. It only looked like something real. It felt empty. Like a shell. Like a home without a foundation. Ready to fall apart like a Hollywood studio prop.

I was lying to myself the whole time.

The only way out now is to tell the truth. To let shit fall apart by not adding to it. To stop putting in.

But it feels wrong to let my house go into foreclosure. It feels wrong to file with a lawyer. It feels so wrong to do nothing to help, on purpose. Yet it is the right way. Right? This world is absolutely ridiculous. Just fucking back breaking and disheartening. People are so viscous. Banks and lawyers. Without hearts. Empty motherfucking shells of humans.

I knew the truth but didn't want to face it. Denial is so powerful. It can change the way you see things. Or exclude what you do not want to see. Or feel.

I wanted to believe love could make my dream come true, become real. Make me real.

All the proof was in your actions. Fighting me every step of the way. Calling me crazy. You're right. It is crazy to live that way. I agree.

So if it's TRUE : then I have to accept the reality that you don't care about me. Either you cant, or you are just unwilling. You say you love me. But what does love mean? It seems you only care that I care for you. How much I can give and prove that I care. Prove by sacrificing my needs, time, money, energy.

Every fiber of my being is going against the fact that the only way out of this situation is divorce and foreclosure of my home. Abandoning you. Why does it feel unethical and immoral? Huge conflict within.

I tried to help you and to salvage my credit, I have spent over $15,000 to bail it out . ..because I'd already put so much into it that I want to keep on the same path. I dont want a different anonymous path. I want to stay where its familiar. But then again, why? I've never been happy on this path. From experience, moving on does not guarantee happiness either.

I'm standing my ground. I'm honoring my values of integrity and refusing to tolerate abuse and nonsense.

But yes it's hard to move on bc I am ever-wanting to keep convincing myself and the world ...proof of how mature and dedicated I am, of my own goodness, my own kindness, my own value.

If my value rests on a successful career in marriage then I have discredited myself. I have failed to be a quality product. Yikes.

..because I hid behind it, and I'd do anything to keep up the facade. I am afraid to be seen as alone, maybe. I am afraid to stand up against the abuse bc it means I have failed. That I am faulty. Not worthy. Maybe I asked for it. Or deserve it.

Shame is a terrible feeling.

By the virtue of which I choose to honor, I thereby become less valuable. I protected your reputation. I kept silent. I protected my own reputation as well. Now I am throwing it out the window. Breaking a promise to myself to never do that again. Yes, I have experienced this all before. Many times. Throughout my lifetime. I had to destroy my own identity.

Because I could pretend I belonged. I could pretend I had a healthy relationship and family. But the sacrifice was too much. And I was so off-balance. I was shut off. Closed down. Depressed. Sick.

You refused to lie for me. So I left. We dont have to keep pretending to play house. Maybe that disappointed me. You want to play cops and robbers. I refused. Lol. Whatever.

And maybe the ultimate cage I try to break free from is being forced to stay small, a repeating pattern from throughout my entire childhood. It is the shame I carry. The unworthy nature of my wounded inner child.

When confronted with opening up I remain skeptical and scared. I beat myself up. I feel rejected, disillusioned, hurt, betrayed, and I am ashamed of showing that I am being harmed. I am am afraid to speak up. When I do, I get shut down by you, your family, my attorney, the court, society.

This triple whammy has knocked me off my feet every time I try to stand up. I feel insulted by the slights of neighbors, the sounds of the outside world. I speak up against emotional manipulation and I feel the feather of rejection like a sledgehammer.

... I am accused of being crazy. I post on social media. I get very little support. The message I'm receiving is: your perception is inaccurate, we all have a human right to happiness and respect but you should be ashamed of exposing yourself like that. It makes you look vulnerable, it tarnishes our code of taboo subjects, think about your reputation, bc we as a society are not comfortable with displays of vulnerability. Call a hotline or something.

You know what? I dont need a fucking hotline. My counselor didnt even recognize me during our last phone session. Fuck this system. I'm on my own. And if I have to become more viscous and bitter to fit in, I prefer to stand alone.

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mikecardenmpreg · 7 years ago

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recovery, etc.

so its been just about a year since i got back into therapy and i just want to say this because i didnt make it clear enough when it happened. when i went in for my intake session last december, they wanted to hospitalize me. like. that day. right then. they didnt even want to finish the interview. they just wanted to admit me. because people reporting numbers like mine were in hospitals on suicide watch. they did not want me to leave the premises. i had to assure them that i wasnt going to kill myself (even though i knew that wasnt a promise i could make). i had to sign a CONTRACT promising i would not kill myself before my first therapy session. the intake specialist was skeptical but he let me go (though he had no idea how i was able to function on a daily basis - jokes on him though because i wasnt functioning at all). he had a look in his eye that told me he wasnt sure letting my leave was a good idea. when i went to my first therapy session with ann a few weeks later, she also wanted to hospitalize me and again i found myself assuring someone i didnt know that i wasnt going to kill myself (and that still wasnt a promise i could make). a year ago i was so sick that i was nearly hospitalized for my own safety and for the safety of others. i smiled and joked and laughed through it all. i reblogged relatable sad posts. i tried not to make it seem like it really bothered me. but i was barely hanging on.

i got my diagnosis on december 13th. i didnt talk to ann much but i told her just enough for her to deduce i had bpd. its something i knew for at least two years. i sat with my knees to my chest the entire session, uttering a few words here and there, picking at the fraying knees of my jeans. she took notes. she told me my numbers were concerning, that people with numbers like these are generally in inpatient care. i stared. nothing behind my eyes. i was a shell. she said “hopefully next time we meet youll be more comfortable with me and we can talk some more”. i felt like an asshole for sitting there and wasting her time. i thought i was a lost cause. i thought there was no way i was gonna get better.

and for the longest time i didnt. i was hurting so much. i was separated from all my friends and still dealing with the aftermath of not one but two absolutely devastating (at the time) rejections. i wanted to kill myself so badly but didnt have the means to do it efficiently and effectively (ive always been too scared to actually try to kill myself in case it didnt work - something ive told my therapist). i felt like the biggest fucking loser. i remembered the summer of 2012 and thinking (back then) that there was no way i could feel worse than i did then. i was wrong. how i felt in december 2016 through january-march 2017 was the worst ive ever felt in my entire life. looking back its mostly static. dont remember a lot of it. all i remember is being angry and suicidal and wanting to hurt everyone around me.

in april i started dbt. it took awhile for me to get into the class. ann had me take other classes to help cope with my other problems (anxiety mostly) and helped me process some of my issues until i could get into dbt. borderline is a little out of her area of expertise but she knows how to listen and is very very good at validating all my little hang ups (i love my therapist).

it took me a few weeks to see the value in dbt. for the first few months all it did was dredge up old shit and trigger me until i was hollow and numb. every week it felt like i was being ripped open and flayed. every week i got to relive a different traumatic memory. every week i disassociated to keep myself safe in this room of strangers (who were also disassociating to keep themselves safe). (disassociation is not a healthy coping mechanism)

but then i went on medication for my depression and anxiety and the combination of that, dbt, and regular therapy sessions actually began to like work? like? thats wild? and i started to see changes in my life because i was learning how to communicate appropriately and deal with my trauma effectively. and i stopped dwelling on the things that made me feel bad and started diving in to the things that made me feel good. i started spending more time with friends and reaching out and actually putting an effort into being a better friend. i started being honest and open with my parents about my progress rather than being super secretive and hiding things. and somehow the constant stress dreams and nightmares and violent thoughts and suicidal ideations stopped. i was finally able to enjoy things again. i was even able to spend time with my parents and actually enjoy it. hell i even looked forward to seeing them and talking to them (which is a really fucking big deal).

there have been slip ups along the way. things have happened that have really bent me out of shape. but i was able to deal with those things and recover. last december i was prepared to ruin every relationship i had. i told my parents to not come to my graduation. i almost deleted all my friends phone numbers and unfollowed them on all social media so i never had to speak to them again. i was ready to isolate myself from everyone so that when i killed myself (which i was getting ready to do) i wouldnt hurt anyone.

im not gonna say that i cant believe that person then and the person i am now are the same people because i can absolutely believe it. there are times when i want to go back to my old ways because regressing is a lot easier than constant progress. and getting better doesnt always have 100% positive results. ive learned a lot about myself and others along the way. ive had to sever ties. ive learned that some people arent capable of change. ive learned that sometimes taking a break from the people you love the most is the best thing you can do for yourself (and for them). ive had to have hard conversations because getting better has forced me to learn that you gotta actually work for what you want.

i havent been perfect this whole time either. i still havent learned how to value my own feelings over the feelings of others or how to accept that other people care about me. im sure some day i will. a year of therapy isnt going to fix everything. but some day ill have a breakthrough.

the whole point of this though is that if i can make it through my darkest moments and turn my shit around....anyone can. but its important to know beforehand that its a process. nothing happens overnight. nothing happens in a month. recovery is something you have to work at day and night for the rest of your life. its something you have to want. it doesnt come easy and its not pleasant. its not all soothing baths and flowers and handwritten journals. its crying and screaming and addressing your past traumas and welcoming them into your home like theyre family (and then accepting that they happened but not letting them dictate your every move). its being honest - brutally honest - with not only yourself but with others. its letting go of people you love and learning to exist in the void of loneliness (until the people you love learn to accept the new you). its showing up every week (or month or whatever) and saying something for once, even if you think its stupid, even if you think its irrelevant. recovery is ongoing. im about to finish my first year. i still have a lot of work to do and im actually kind of excited to do it? which is cool considering my contingency plan has always been to kill myself.

anyway. i just wanted to say that. i dont pat myself on the back very often but ive accomplished a lot this last year. and not gonna lie but ive referred to myself as “most improved patient” in my head multiple times these past few months. im in a pretty okay place right now. im glad im still here (despite the world getting worse literally every day). im glad i have people i can share that with. and i hope some day soon i can return the love and support ive been given tenfold :)

#suicide mention #long post #very long and personal post

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alicedoessurveys · 7 years ago

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loooooong survey

Childhood

Did you spend your childhood time with mostly real or imaginary friends?: real. I spent most summers/half terms with my cousins and my neighbour’s grandkids. Did people consider you an odd child?: not odd, just shy Do you have memories that go back to when you were only a few months old?: nope Do you remember any thoughts you had when you where very young?: not really nope

Were they intricate or simple thoughts?: probably simple but I can't remember

If you answered “intricate”, give an example of one of those thoughts: n/a

Were you dreams very vivid as a child?: yes, still do. I also used to get really bad night terrors a lot as a kid What is the strangest memory you have from early childhood?: can't think of anything strange.. Were you a child prodigy or did you display any gifts at a young age?: I drew a lot, but I was no prodigy What was the most “grown-up” thing you ever said as a child?: I have no idea What were your favourite TV shows in early childhood?: I grew up on Fairly Odd Parents, Rugrats, Tracy Beaker Were you afraid of monsters?: yes, especially zombies Did you believe that fictional characters were real?: yes Were you more quiet and artistic or loud and physical? quiet and artistic Issues and stuff Do you eat meat?: yup, but only beef, chicken and bacon/sausage If you do, what is your justification for it?: I dont feel I need to justify it, just like I wouldn't expect a vegetarian to justify why they dont eat meat. each to their own. If you could legalize 3 things in the US, what would they be?: I dont live in the US, I dont really know their laws and I dont really care Do you believe in the death penalty?: nope Did Mumia do it?: do what..? If you had a choice, which country would you have chosen to be born into?: I like that im English, I just wish I was born in a different part of England cause Birmingham is a shit hole What are your opinions of Michael Moore?: I dont know who that is Describe your feelings about marijuana legalization: I think it should be for those who need it for medical stuff Red, White and Blue is a ghastly color combination, right?: nope What television news coverage do you detest the most?: all of it, I dont watch the news What will you do if Bush is re-elected? Im British, I dont care Which state do you think will drop off into the ocean first?: idk Who do you consider “American Heros”? I feel like these questions are very aimed at Americans Completely Obtuse And Silly Questions Have you ever taken something apart just to see how it worked? yes Do you ever yell at the television while you are alone? Reason?: not yell, but talk to the telly yeah. and not even just while im alone. Name a few things (if any) that you bought on Ebay recently: I cant remember the last time I bought something off eBay Are the Muppetes sinister? Think about it.: nope... o.O Do you watch the Science Channel (Discovery) on a regular basis?: no ive never watched it Ever gotten into an “in person” argument with a total stranger? Discuss: yup. basically I was at this event thing where they had boats and pretty floating lights and shit on a river. we had waited all day to see them and when they were finally coming past we couldn't see them because it was so crowded and there was a “security guy” stood in the way. There was kids infront of me who kept saying they couldn't see because of him so I yelled “MOVE” and he turned around and started arguing with me. Long story short, he eventually moved out the way and found a space where he wasn't blocking anyones view and the people around me thanked me. I felt so awkward after cause im not a confrontational person at all but I was so tired & irritated that I just snapped. Sugar or Honey?: Sugar What’s on your desk right now?: im not sat at my desk atm How many e-mails do you recieve a day?: about 20 Do you think that time travel is a possibility?: no Are you slightly addicted to online tests and surveys?: not addicted, I just enjoy doing them to pass time San Francisco or New York City?: ive never been to either, but I would like to go to New York What are your favorite color combinations?: grey and light blush pink looks nice Close your eyes and type the first random image that pops into your head: I cant because im listening to hairspray so thats all I can see right now Do you enjoy night or day better?: depends what im doing Favorite animal: Dogs Have you ever been to a protest?: Nope, but ive ended up in the same place as a protest was taking place and it was horrible Aggravated a cop on purpose?: No Ever gone train hopping/ridden the rails?: Nope If you could choose a time period in which to live, which would it be?: I’m fine with this one Ever put your hand through a window?: no List a few words you hate the sound of: the c word And a few you like the sound of: idk Are you sick of this survey yet? not really Emotions And Such Have you attempted suicide more than once?: No Cutting?: Yes Do you get violent when you are angry?: Not with people, just with myself or just like throw stuff on the floor like a brat Which emotion are you most consumed by?: fear Are you highly emotive?: Yes Do you discuss problems or keep them to yourself?: keep them to myself, and if I do discuss them I downplay or make jokes Do you fall in love easily?: not in love, but I do fall for people too easy What age/year was the most difficult for you?: around ages 19-now How do you channel your anger/sadness?: shut myself away and cry Ever been addicted to alcohol or drugs?: No

Ever been homeless?: No List a few simple things that make you happy: playing sims, Tumblr, theatre When were you most recently your happiest?: hanging out with nick and Addison the other day Do you consider yourself empathetic?: yes Friends Do you have friends that are drastically different from each other?: my main group of friends is only like 3 people and they have their differences but not drastic differences List a few key traits that all of your friends have in common: my friends are all into gaming, watching films & eating Do you keep in touch with friends from high school?: yes, two of my best friends are from school Have you lost touch with many of your friends?: almost everyone I become friends with end up losing touch in the end but ive been friends with Addison for 10 years and Rhys for 20 years Are they mostly local or long distance?: local When you go out with friends, what kinds of things do you do?: usually go to the arcade, cinema and get food Have you ever been betrayed by a close friend?: yes If yes, are you still friends with that person?: no Are your friends mostly your age, younger or older?: rhys & Addison are 23, nick is 25, I am 22

Do you have a hard time making friends because most people bore you?: no, I have a hard time making friends because im socially awkward Do you like to hang out with friends one-on-one or in groups?: groups, it takes the pressure off in conversations Which of you online friends do you have the most in common with?: I dont have any online friends Family Are you close to your family?: yes What traits are you glad you inherited from them?: faithfulness & a good sense of humour What sitcom does your family most remind you of?: I cant think of anything other than that me and my mom are a lot like Miranda and her mom from the sitcom ‘Miranda’ Does your family live locally or far away?: local Have you ever stopped speaking to someone in your family?: yes Have either of your parents died?: no, thank god Is your family very much like you or are you opposites?: a lot like me How many siblings do you have?: one older sister Has your family ever thrown food at each other?: yes, every christmas season we throw chocolates at each other from the Quality Street or Roses tins Are the holidays a nightmare or a time of joy?: I love Christmas Day and I normally love christmas shopping but this year I found it all very stressful because I was so busy at the theatre and I had no money to buy gifts Do you look like your parents?: ive been told I do List one interesting fact about your family: apparently my dads side of the family is descended from royalty Lovers Gay, Straight, Bi-sexual or no idea?: Straight Married/partnered?: Single Ever gone out with someone you were embarrassed to be seen with?: no Ever broken someones heart?: someone I “dated” in infant school told me when we reunited in senior school that I broke his heart. but I didn't actually do anything so I dont know where he got that from How many serious relationships have you had?: none Have you ever lusted obsessively over someone you knew you couldn’t have?: not obsessively lusted, but I have fancied guys that I knew nothing could ever happen. Do you believe in the theory of soulmates?: yes Ever cheated?: No Been cheated on?: No Thrown someones stuff out on the lawn/stairs/etc.?: Nope Had your stuff thrown out on the lawn/stairs/etc.?: Nope Most important emotional qualities of a lover?: someone who makes me feel happy and can make me smile, makes me feel comfortable, is caring, trustworthy, honest, affectionate Most important physical qualities?: I dont think physical qualities are super important but I do fall for peoples eyes & smile Food & Drink Non-alcoholic beverage of choice: cherry coke or caramel hot chocolate Alcoholic beverage of choice: cider Foods you crave on a regular basis: chocolate

Salsa and Chips or Pita and Hummus?: neither Meat or Tofu?: Meat Soup or Salad?: soup Soda or Juice?: Soda Can I get you anything else?: You didn't get me anything..? :’) Favorite candy:: chocolate in general Favorite food to make: lasagne

Food brand that you hate?: idk Do you try to buy all organic?: nope Favorite fast food?: mcdonalds Final Questions Ever had a great song ruined for you after it was used in a commercial?: yes

Ever yelled at an SUV?: nope A Hummer?: Nope Ever faked being sick to get out of going somewhere?: yes If you could turn back time and change one thing, what would it be?: stay in college Bambi or Nemo?: Nemo List 3 things that are worrying you right now: 1, money. 2, a meeting I have to go to next week that im absolutely dreading. 3, I have this constant annoying anxiety that tells me my friends dont actually like me and that I get on everyones nerves. Do you think you’ll ever have children if you don’t already?: not my own now, but I hope to adopt Do you think there is life on other planets?: no Have you ever broken a leg or arm?: nope Would you rather stay in the house or do things outside: depends on my mood David Letterman or Jay Leno?: I dont know who they are Last words?: Bye

#survey #long

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groundramon · 7 years ago

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17, 30, 36!

17: Favorite singer?GHAHH I’m so bad at singers/bands, I basically only listen to the same thing for like a week straight and then never listen to it or the artist again BUT I have a very nostalgic connection to Sabrina Carpenter and her voice is nice so I guess her. (I’m not mainstream trash but I’m lower than that, like I have no standards and whatever doesn’t hurt my ears is a-okay with me)

30: Meaning behind your urlTeam Capumon was actually an old story of mine! Pokemon is such a big part of my life that it’s essentially a personality trait of mine at this point, but two subsets of Pokemon that I’ve always been huge into are PMD and the “beta” behind-the-scenes stuff. Barring Porygon2 because I love Porygon2, Kurusu (the beta starter from the original demo of GS) is my favorite Pokemon and would easily beat out my current favorite first-stage starters and may even beat out my favorite starter line of all (Charmander’s) depending on its evolutions. BUT Team Capumon went back further than that, to designs that were used before Pokemon was even known as “Pokemon” - back when it was called “Capsule Monsters”. There’s more information on that here. The characters were based on Original Nidorino (which fuck bulbapedia, he’s clearly a totodile line-inspiring design. I refuse to believe that his color pallet isn’t blue with a yellow underside and red horns tbh) and Dragon4 from this bulbapedia page. The characters were named Scales and Shard respectively. I drew Scales a LOT as a kid, and my first drawing of him (or rather, what would become his character) was one of the first drawings I was truly proud of. I could actually draw him pretty decently on a regular basis, although I unfortunately cant say that about him anymore xD I had a hard time drawing Shard though so I didnt draw him as often. I actually have some art of Scales on my computer (no finished art of Shard though, unfortunately - or none that I can find anyways) so at the bottom of this post I’ll attach my most recently finished drawing of him! It wont go under the answer for this question for some fuckin reason so I cant put it here :UBut anyways, Team Capumon was my main project back when I joined a site that was all too powerful in determining the direction of my life from that point on - Animal Jam. I couldn’t think of a good username for my account, but then I thought of my story, and I used that name - because then I wouldn’t have to put a number after my user and SCREW NUMBERS (idk ive always had a weird thing about not using numbers in usernames unless its for a specific aesthetic). Animal Jam launched my existence on the internet first onto Scratch and then onto DeviantArt (both caused by the same three people, who I’m still in contact with to this day!) so it just felt logical to use TeamCapumon for everything after Animal Jam, plus it had a nice ring to it that I really liked. (Fun fact: those same three people who convinced me to get a Scratch and then dA are the same three people who gave me my nickname “Stormy”!) Another two fun facts about Scales in particular: 1. I have a plushie of him, made by myself! Unfortunately it’s falling apart, but oh well xD I also made a plushie of Kurusu very recently (who, ironically enough, I’m planning to make into a PMD character from my CURRENT PMD project, a group on dA. We allow [certain] beta Pokemon there because I’m biased.) The Pioneers Guild in said PMD group is also founded by a Feraligator and a Charizard possibly named after and loosely based on Scales and Shard! And 2. Speaking of characters based on Scales, Scales has a character/evolution line inspired by his design in Oneiromon! Scalesdramon from Oneiromon, Mich’s adult form, is based on Scales.

36: Favorite food?OH FUCK THIS IS HARD vvvv man my dad’s french toast is the bomb, but I cant say french toast is one of my favorite foods or even very high up my list because most people would say my dad makes french toast wrong bUT ITS ALL OF YOU WHO MAKE IT WRONG. THE WORLD IS WRONG AND MY FAMILY (except my mom bc she likes regular french toast better) IS RIGHT, SCREW YOU. But basically to get an idea of what I mean, my dad’s french toast is less sweet with syrup on it. You eat it plain, and putting syrup on it is a disgrace (//glares at my mom)But idk if thats ABSOLUTELY my favorite and my favorite probably just depends on the day. Other things I really like include popcorn shrimp, blackberry frozen yogurt, pirate’s booty, and probably brown sugar cinnamon poptarts but i havent had those in years bc i ate them too much as a kid. Like they became such a staple of my life that I cant call them my favorite anymore. Also fruitloops are like the thing I eat literally every single day (unless we’re out or i randomly decide to eat lucky charms instead - heaven forbid the day we’re out of both bc ill just starve for breakfast i guess) but they’re far from my favorite.

Picture of Scales:

This picture is fairly recent btw, I was NOT drawing that well when I was 12 xD this drawing is from mid 2016, so I was 15 at the time. Also this was traditionally drawn with pastels! Idk where my pastels went but I really enjoyed pastels and how they made my art look, so I should go looking for them again…(then again lately my hands have been really dry and i can hardly sketch let alone use pastels bc sensory overload and I hate how paper feels against anything dry, OTL)

#thanks for the ask!!!#stormy answers

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nicophantom · 6 years ago

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My parents are really controlling. Like its Impossible for me to do anything without having a panic attack because they’re always tell me what I’m doing wrong all the time. When I was little (from age two and up, about the time my brother was born) I had really bad nightmares and I would wake up screaming but I wasn’t allowed to leave my room at night or turn on any lights and my parents wouldn’t come to me, so I would sit in my room screaming and crying for someone to comfort me. My parents would come in my room and yell at me for waking them and my brother up and eventually I just learned to be quiet and cry to myself. They always told me that I was just practice for taking care of my little brother so they knew what to do and what not to do, after my brother was born I was just kinda there, another mouth to feed, they told me they loved me but after my brother was born I kinda stopped believing them, they always favored him anyway.

when I was older they refused to put me in a public school so they put me in a private school with help from my grandparents who helped pay for it, but everyone in my school hated me except my two best friends, a few older kids, and my first grade teacher. about half way through second grade my parents pulled me out of school completely. I was cut off from my peers, I wasn’t allowed to leave my neighborhood, my parents have to know where I am at all times, I am home schooled with my brother even though my mom is not qualified for the job and she doesn’t even know anything about what she is teaching us and we barely have an education. All the stuff I know is self taught and by brother is dumber than a box of rocks.

My mom always makes everything about her and what she wants and no one else maters, it’s her way or the highway and no one but me and my aunt has a problem with it, no one ever calls her out on it, my mom acts all lovey dovey and gets me stuff and takes me to the movies, etc, in public but turns around and is terrible to me in private. And I hate it.

I try not to provoke them but my parents are always yelling at me, telling me what I do wrong, I get threatened to get my things taken away on a regular basis, they threatened to leave me with nothing but some food, water, clothes, and a blanket in my room and take everything else if I didn’t behave when I was younger, my parents used to threaten to take my bedroom door off its hinges when we still lived in an actual house, we live in a thirty foot trailer now.

I would sell my soul to go to an actual school, to feel loved unconditionally, to be ‘normal’. But instead I’m self taught, I’m yelled at, threaded, punished, hurt(on rare occasions), friendless, and I have lots of things wrong with me. I’m fifteen and I have severe anxiety, I don’t trust anyone, I get depressed, can’t eat anything without feeling like I’m going to throw up because of anxiety, I have panic attacks often, i have separation anxiety, I have zero social skills, I push everyone away, I have social anxiety (basically just lots of anxiety in general), I have ocd because they always forced me to try to be perfect and make things perfect, if someone moves without warning I flinch, if someone yells or there’s a loud noise I have an anxiety attack. I feel worthless, stupid, unwanted, my parents basically stock me on a regular basis, they don’t trust me, they go through my stuff, they blame me for everything that goes wrong, I can’t make any of my own choices, etc, I can’t even be myself around them, and I sure at hell cant come out to them! They hate the lgbtq+ community and I’m panromantic and non-binary/gender fluid. I’ve been a good kid all my life but they still think I’m demon Spohn so I was like “fuck it they think I’m a bad person mind as well act like an asshole” and to make all of this worse I feel like they treat me like this because of me. I feel like it’s my fault.

The only good things in my life are my friend, my aunt, the stories I write on Wattpad (there really shitty), the books I read 24/7, anime, musicals, etc. 💔😒😭😔

So my dad took away my laptop because I wouldn’t give him the password. I wasn’t even allowed to type it in, he demanded to know the password to my personal computer because he thinks I’m “ doing things I’m not supposed to do. ” My sister is not, and never has been, held to the same standard when it came to passwords on her own phone etc. But my parents always suspect me of being “up to something” and will randomly ask to use my computer/ know the password, and when I say no, they get mad at me. In the past, they have taken away my devices and looked through them, which cased me a lot of anxiety and is part of the reason I don’t like it when people use my computer or go through the camera roll on my phone. Even as I type this, I’m being asked what I’m doing. If you think parents demanding to know the passwords to their child’s personal devices is a breach of privacy please reblog

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phoenixrocket1987 · 8 years ago

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A Nod to the Fatherless

Part of why I am writing this blog in general is to put my thoughts out there and to hopefully help people along the way. Not knowing my biological father is not a new phenomena. It is something that many have dealt with and I am no different. So here is my story. My biological is alive and I do know what he looks like and have even spoken to him on the phone a couple of times. Growing up was always a little different for me. I had a mother who assumed both roles of mother and father, a grandmother, uncle, and grandfather. We all lived together and in different combinations from time to time. To say my family was abnormal and non nuclear would be an understatement. I was always a jealous kid. Jealous of those who had dads and more importantly good meaningful relationships with them. I had fatherly type figures in my life. My uncle and grandpa would assume those roles at times as they were needed, Im not sure if they even knew that or were just living their life. My uncle had a daughter who my jealousy was displayed toward on a more than regular basis when she was around. She would come to stay with us for 45 days every summer, and my job or so I made it was to make her life a living hell. Now at the time I didn't know that what I was feeling was jealousy. My actions I still feel terrible about to this day. If she would talk to the family now I would apologize. I lost my uncle in 2000 and my grandfather in 2004. Both hit me very hard, I was 13 and 17 respectively. It was after my pas death that I listened to other family members and decided that I needed to seek out my biological. I called him, he was more receptive than I thought but when I asked why he wasn't around he told me to ask my mother. I had, and that was the problem. I was willing to hear his side of the story. My parents were young and dumb they had me when I was 18 I believe. Both too young to have kids. That's not to say you cant be that age and have kids but they weren't ready for it I don't think. So his answer was disappointing to me since I had talked to my mother and she had always been open about the situation and still is to this day. The emotion that I struggled with the most was anger. It is something that I still struggle with to this day. I have a much better handle on it than I did in years past. It was hard for me to deal with the situation. I would ask myself "what did I do wrong?" Or "What is wrong with me?" For those that are reading this that are in the same situation know that none of it is your fault. You did nothing wrong. I struggled growing up being in situations where dads were around. Particularly when it came to sports. I always had support of some kind in the stands but it always bothered me a little when kids would be greeted by their dads after a game with a "great job," and though I got those it never really held the same as if a dad would have told me the same thing. It is because of these feelings that I lashed out all through my youth. I would get mad, argue, hit things, fly off the handle. When I was confronted with the cause of it and eventually broke down to say it was because I didn't know my father I was always told things like "You're better off without him," or "You shouldn't worry about that," these are great in theory and easy to say by anyone but no one understood how I felt. There were times that I felt alone, felt wrong, useless, and a number of any other negative emotion that you can think of. I know my family thought they were helping by telling me not to worry, but that didn't make my feelings go away, those were just words. My mom dated and even married at one time but those guys always went away, after I would get attached. Sometimes I would blame myself not understanding that what happened between adults was between adults and didn't have as much to do with me. So here is what I have learned in 30 years of living. While I am no expert on this topic I have dealt with it for my whole life. My feelings are what they are. There is nothing that can change that but time and forgiveness. To answer the question you may be asking, yes I have forgiven him but not in the traditional sense. I have not vocally said to him yes I forgive you. I have just gotten to a point in life that I do not worry about it, because I gave it power over me. In taking power over the situation there was a sort of forgiveness that took place. I don't let it bother me in the ways that I did when I was younger. I have 2 siblings through him that I have met and gotten to know. It is awkward for a number of reasons but I have always wanted to know them since I knew of their existence. I also never held anything against them because he was a dad to them. But they had nothing to do with the situation. I am glad that they have accepted me and allowed me into their life. After years of talking to those I trust and reading others experiences I learned that it wasn't my fault and I am and will continue to be ok. I do now have a wonderful stepfather who I get along with greatly. While I may never understand the relationship between a father and a son I am glad he is in my life and I have someone I can talk to. The situation is what it is and I know that one day I will be an amazing father because I don't want any kid to have to deal with what I have dealt with. That is the greatest gift that my father could have given me. To those who may or may not be reading this. Those that may be in a similar situation or just want to talk about it. I keep my inbox open for you. Please don't hesitate to reach out.

#fathers #father #fathersday #fatherless #nofathersday #depression #anxiety #positivity #help

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namjoonbby1 · 8 years ago

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Betrayal

Pairing - Hoseok x Reader

Genre - Murder AU

Word Count - 3k

Part 4/?

Synopsis - When y/n’s husband is accused of murder she’s sure he’s innocent. But as detectives find clues that point to him as the perpetrator, will she stand for her husband or against him?

A/n - Idunno if anyone reads this but if you do enjoy (:

Preview Part One Part Two Part Three

Masterlist

suspicion

a feeling or thought that something is possible, likely, or true.

Trust is one of the most important things you can have in a relationship. Without it, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship.

I wish I could say that things got better when Hoseok picked me up but it didnt. At least I was able to sleep, as soon as we arrived back to our house I passed out. I was drained and my bed never felt so comfortable. In the morning Hoseok woke me up, letting me know that he had the maid run me some warm bath water and breakfast was being made for me. The bath was relaxing, I was able to clear my mind even if just for a second before Hoseok came into the bathroom with a cup of coffee in hand.

"How are you feeling this morning?" He asked handing me a mug full of the black liquid and sitting in the love seat I had in my bathroom. His eyes furrowed a bit as if he was worried but also upset.

"I'm fine just a little headache." I answered taking a sip of the coffee. It was bitter and disgusting, I hated black coffee and my husband knew that. I wasn't sure if he was punishing me for getting so drunk or if he just wanted me to sober up. Maybe both.

"I'm so sorry that my actions caused you to feel the need to get so drunk. Ive never seen you like this before." He said. He seemed extremely apologetic and my heart hurt a little.

"I just, I just thought I was over what you did to me. But now it feels like I'm reliving it, and I thought I could trust you but I can't."

"I'll do whatever I need to do to regain your trust. I may have not been honest about how many times I was with her, but I want to be honest about everyting moving forward." He said.

I wanted so badly to believe him, to put all of my faith in him and never think about the situation again. But we had tried that. I thought that I knew the whole truth and was blissfully unaware that I was in fact, being decieved.

"Okay. What else do you want to tell me?" I asked.

"Well I wasn't completely honest about where I was the night Mina died."

"Where were you Hoseok?" I asked sternly.

"I went to meet her." He said.

"You cant be serious?" I said rubbing my head. I thought that my headache was fading but it had only gotten worst. The pain was a pulsating ache and everytime I would look Hoseok in the eye my head would throb.

"Im serious. She sent me a text saying that she needed to talk to me about something important. I went to meet her at a location she sent me but she never showed up." He stated.

"Hoseok why would you try to go and meet the woman that you cheated on me with?" I was really trying to understand his logic at this point. I never asked him to stay away from her. He was the one who told me he wanted to stay away. So why would he feel the need to sneak around and meet her. Was he seeing her again?

"I know it was stupid. I was worried because she never called me, she never even talked to me. We both agreed we wouldn't talk to one another after the affair and I worried that something was wrong if she was suddenly requesting to meet me."

I thought about it for a while. That's why he was running late to meet up with me the night of the charity event, because he went to meet her. What else could he be hiding? I wondered.

"What else are you hiding from me??" I demanded an answer.

"Jagi, that's everything. I swear." He said grabbing a hold of my hand. "I'll never hurt you again."

I closed my eyes taking in a deep breath. I wished I could believe him, that everything could just go back to how it was a few days ago but I couldnt, we couldn't.

"I just need time."

"Okay, I understand that." He said.

After exiting the bath, Hoseok finally went to work and I had the house to myself, with the exception of our housemaid. I went to look for her, I wanted to apologize for all the craziness that's been going on with the police coming over and what not. Our home usually wasn't this chaotic.

I saw her as I entered the kitchen, and she noticed me as well greeting me with her warm smile.

"Feeling better Mrs. Jung?" She asked. I wondered if I still looked like hell, considering how drunk I had gotten last night I was sure that I did.

"A bit, Mari how is everything going?" I asked sitting down at the kitchen bar as she continued to clean and then pausing to answer the question.

"I'm okay, Mrs. Jung. How is everything?"

"It's a little hetic right now but Im managing. I just wanted to let you know that we have officers coming over again later today. I wanted to warn you ahead of time so that you weren't alarmed."

"It's no problem, I knew that they cops would have to interrogate Mr. Jung after everything." She stated and her sentence caught me off guard.

"Everything?" I wondered what all she knew about this entire situation.

"Yes well since you and Mr. Jung were really close to Mrs. Kim." Close? I'm not sure if I would use that word to describe Mina and I's relationship, especially after the affair.

"I guess you could say we were kind of close to her. It's just so unfortunate that this happened to her." Even after finding out that her and Hoseok had seen eachother on a regular basis I still felt geninuely bad about the gruesome way in which she died.

"Yes it is, do you know how Mr. Jung is going to be prosecuted?" She questioned causing me to look at her as if she had lost her mind.

"Prosecuted? Why would Hoseok be prosecuted."

"I just thought, I thought that... " She started. But stopped as if she was afriad to speak. Any thoughts I had that Mari didn't have an clue about the situation were quickly cast out of my mind. She knew something, possibly more than I and I needed to find out what.

"Mari, I'm getting the feeling that you know more than I do. Please tell me everything that you know." I begged.

"But Mr. Jung instructed me not to tell you." She said. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. There was some type of secret that my husband had instructed our housemaid to keep?

"He did what? Listen Mari, I promise he won't find out about this conversation. But now you need to tell me everything."

"Okay." She stated sitting down next to me.

"It all started a couple of months ago. Mina would come over often and Im sure you are already aware of what they would do. But lately they would aruge a lot, I overheard Mrs. Kim say that she didnt want to be involved anymore because she loved her husband. But Mr. Jung was very upset and he told her she had no choice but to continue seeing him."

My heart was hurting and I was struggling to keep up with what Mari was saying without changing my demeanor and expression because I honestly was hurting and disgusted all at the same time. Mari noticed and stopped talking.

"Im fine, please continue." I spoke.

"The last time it became violent. I believe you were out taking care of business when she came over. I tried not to easedrop but I heard Mina crying. She was saying that she was sure she was pregnant and knew that It had to be Mr. Jung's child. He become so upset, I could hear them shouting from the living room. He told her that she needed to get rid of the child or else he would."

"Oh god, no." I breathed out in total distress.

"Mrs. Jung please don't tell Mr. Jung. That night when he had seen that I was in the kitchen and had heard everything he warned me against telling anyone. He said that he would let me go and I can't afford to lose this job. I have a family to provide for." She reasoned.

"Don't worry." I said softly taking slow and steady breathes to calm down, you aren't going to be fired. I really appreciate you letting me know all of this Mari." I said forcing a smile to reassure her.

I let Mari go home for the night, she usually stayed in home with us but her husband and children lived on their own so she would occasionally go visit so I decided that it would be best for her to do that. When she was gone I took out my phone to call the detectives who were assigned to Mina's case and they told me they would be over shortly.

The time I waited seemed to go on for forever. And while I waited for them I thought over and over again about Hoseok. Was he really capable of killing someone? I believed he was the most warm hearted and caring person on the planet. He hardly ever raised his voice and was so mild tempered. The person that Mari described to me when she went over his conversation with Mina was not the Hoseok I knew. He seemed harsh and aggressive and I didnt know what to think.

A year ago I would have said that there was absolutely no way my husband would be capable of hurting anyone. But lie after lie he was breaking my heart and losing my trust and I didn't know what to do or how to feel.

The more I thought the more I wondered if I was making the right decision in acting so fast to reach out to the officers. I didn't know what I was doing or if I was making the right decision. The doorbell ran interrupting me mid thought and I knew that there was no more time for pondering. I needed be an adult and handle this situation so I calmed myself and went to answer the door.

I filled the officers in on every unpleasant detail that the maid had shared with me. I hated to do this to my husband but Mina was pregnant and her murder was gruesome. Whomever was responsible for that, may it be Hoseok or whomever else needed to be held accountable.

After hearing everything that I had to say the detectives said that they needed to do a search of our house so I waited anxiously until they were finished. Namjoon returned with something that was in a plastic bag. I could not tell what It was from a distance but as he got nearer I realized that It was a hammer and my eyes widened.

"Mrs. Jung, are you familiar with this?" He asked giving me a closer look and as I inspected it I saw very visible blood on it and my heart rate started to increase.

"I um - I think that could be ours. Where was that?"

"It was in hidden in your fireplace. We believe that this could be our murder weapon and based on this and your statement today we are going to preceded with an arrest."

My hand quickly covered my mouth and a stumbled back, Namjoon reached out to help me. "You are going to arrest him?"

"We have the murder weapon and plausible cause. We are going to get a warrant and we should be back shortly."

This was all happening so fast and before I knew it the detectives were leaving, and I was staring out of my dining room window waiting for my husband to arrive home. His car pulled up moments later and he entered the house taking off his shoes and heading towards my direction

"There you are baby. I've been trying to call you to see if you had eaten. I picked up take out." I heard him place something on the table but I didnt turn around I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.

"Are you still upset?" He said approaching me from behind and wrapping his arms around my waist. I finally spun around to face him my eyes were watering and I knew that he could tell something was up.

"Y/n, are you crying? Baby I know you are upset with me. But please don't cry. He said wipling away at my tears.

"Did you - do it?" I finally managed to say.

"Did I do what?" He asked genuinely concered.

"Did you kill her Hoseok?" I asked.

"What?" Hoseok said as if I was telling some sort of joke and he couldn't understand the punchline. "You aren't serious are you?"

"You cant lie to me anymore, you have to be honest now." I said through tears.

"I didn't kill Mina!!" He yelled and I immediately shut myself off. I didn't want to hear the lies I just couldn't take it anymore, so I remained silent fixing my gaze back on the window.

"Look at me y/n. You have to talk to me." He said but I continued to ignore him.

“Turn around and talk to me.” Hoseok demanded as I looked out of the window. I didn’t want to look at him, if I did I knew that I would be moved by his soft features, the face that I had fallen in love with.

“What have I done to you? What could I have done to make you believe that I could be capable of doing something this horrible?”

“Look at me!!” Hoseok yelled as he hit the dinning room table causing a glass to fall and shatter on the floor. I jumped in fear from his actions. In the entire time I had known him I had never been so afraid.

I felt a wave of relief but also nervousness as I heard police cars in the distance. The cars approached our mansion and I saw that the gates were opened and they were coming in. Moments later they entered the room.

“Jung Hoseok you are under arrest for the murder of Kim Mina." Namjoon said.

"What the hell is going on?" Hoseok yelled.

"You have the right to remain silent anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law.”

“Did you do this?” Hoseok asked as the officers started to secure handcuffs on him.

The look that he gave me wasn’t one of anger. I think that I could have handled that a bit more. The look that he gave me was one of pure hurt, it was as If I had taken a knife to his abdomen. I felt absolutely horrible and refused to look at him.

“Y/n please look at me.” He said as he was being dragged out of our house by Taehyung and another officer.

I couldn’t bring myself to look at him and I could only look out of the window. I watched as they dragged him to the car and before they put him in the back seat he looked at me and I that’s when the tears I held in started to pour down my face.

I let out a loud sob breaking down and Namjoon just stared at me as if he wasn't quite sure what to do. He finally walked closer to me and after what seemed like minutes of uncertainty he pulled me into his arms allowing me to sob on his chest.

We stayed like that for a while before I calmed down a bit and was able to sit on the sofa.

"I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but regardless of what happens you are a very brave person y/n." Namjoon stated.

"Brave? All I did was turn in my husband."

"You are seeing that Mrs. Jung's family gets justice for her murder even if that means that your husband is taken away from you. That's bravery y/n."

"Well thank you."

"If you need anything, anything at all." Namjoon said placing his hand on my shoulder. "Don't hesitate to give me a call."

Namjoon left and I was alone. Being alone is the worst possible thing to he when you have so many thoughts in your heard. Because you have no one to distract you from everything you were thinking. I tried to turn on the Tv just to have some sort of Distraction but I just stared at it blankly as I pondered my current situation.

Was Hoseok going to be convicted for Mina's murder? If so how long would he be in prison? Did I need to call a lawyer to get divorce papers? And how is Jin going to feel when he finds out that his best friend possibly murdered his wife?

So many questions, so many thoughts. It was all too much and I wanted nothing more than to run away but I couldn't. I couldn't change anything about my current situation and it left me to wonder

Is life going to get any better?

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