#i started crying just THINKING about my dog
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RANDOM HEADCANONS COD MEN
warnings : suggestive
- i love the gaz one i wrote for this hes so underrated and cute, i need to start writing for him
tomorrow my birthday!! very happy
- includes task force 141 (kyle ‘gaz’ garrick, johnny ‘soap’ mactavish, simon ‘ghost’ riley, john price), könig and keegan p. russ
gaz would be obsessed with subway surfers. 2am, you hear him raging beside you in bed. ‘kyle, baby, what happened??’ ‘i was so close to beating my highscore!!’ it becomes a full on addiction. its unhealthy. its truly frightening to see your kind boyfriend become a man possessed when he looses. but its all worth it when you see the glint in his eye when he says ‘i beat my high score, y/n, look’ and showing you his phone all proud awww hes so cute im crying omgomg
soap would most likely be obsessed with some random popstar. im thinking ariana grande. he would constantly tell you facts about them, ‘did you know that ____ used this inspiration for this album cover?’ and, for his birthday, you’d HAVE take him to one of their concerts. im just imagining his face when he sees the online tickets, his jaw dropping and him kissing you all over saying ‘thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou’
keegan is such a dog person. he loves dogs. whenever he sees one, he always gives it a treat and plays with it. especially after working with an animal as reliable and loving as riley, he wants to have a dog with you. sometimes, when you guys are out shopping, you’ll go see the pet store with him and play with the animals there. while you’re talking to the fishes, he’s with the dogs. while you’re separating two kittens from play fighting, hes with the dogs. speaking of kittens, i feel like he loves black cats aswell. hes so totally black cat bf omg
könig loves minecraft. will always play it- usually in creative mode so he can make a universe for you and him where you guys have lots of farm animals and cats. he most definitely is on the verge of tears when one of his wolves die, and you have confront him and tell him to take a break from playing for a minute. has beat the game hundreds of times but will never ever get bored of it. sometimes you play with him and you pick flowers for him while he actually focuses on killing the ender dragon.
ghost is SO SO good at bowling. he’ll recommend going on bowling dates so he can impress you. if you dont know how to bowl, youre in good hands. he’ll angle himself behind you and help you get the best shot. you’ve never seen him not get anything other than a strike, he’s too good!! defo will say ‘if i get a strike, i get lucky tonight with the missus’ knowing theres no way in hell he wont miss a single pin.
price is really good at pool. whenever you guys go to shitty bars, he’ll lighten the whole place up with his incredible pool skills. lowk starts gambling with the other players when they start betting. whenever he wins, he shows you off to everyone, pulling you close and saying ‘this is my good luck charm, everyone’ and kissing you on the cheek.
#cod#cod x reader#könig x reader#john price x reader#captain john price x reader#simon riley x reader#simon ghost riley x reader#kyle gaz garrick x reader#kyle garrick x reader#johnny soap mctavish x reader#johnny mactavish x reader#keegan russ x reader#keegan p russ x reader
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Thinking about Wade waiting for a package so when there's a knock at the door, he jumps up all excited.
Before he can even open the door, Logan's nose is scrunching, petting their naked rat dog in his lap. Snfsnf..
Scott?
Coming out of the bedroom, he leaves the puppy on the bed.
It's not Scott. It's worse than that.
There, standing in his door frame is Nathan. He's holding a bag and gave Wade a type of flowers He's never seen before. They smell like warm melted sugar and perfume. Big, and almost resembled a tiger lilly except the coloring is off. Red and black instead of orange and a brown shade.
Wade is standing here, looking up at him with a frown, playing with his sleeves, grabbing his own hand, biting his tongue enough to bleed. Logan could smell it.
Wade was staring at him, silent, his eyes glistening like glitter in oil.
He can hear Mary barking in their bedroom. She didn't like men very much. Esspecially when they smelled like Scott.
"...."
"You don't have to say anything right now, Wade.." Nathan starts, lifting up the bag. "Just...came to give your clothes back... they don't smell like you anymore.."
Tears start to form in his eyes, not blinking. Still staring. As if in disbelief of what he just said before Logan came out.
Logan appears by his side, looking up at Cable with a soft, possesive glare, like a dog whos unfriendly to men and might bite.
"What the fuck did you say to him?"
When Wade didn't take the bag of clothes, Nathan's arm dropped, looking away from him.
"Hello, Logan.."
By now, Wade still hasn't said anything, but the tears rushing down his face were enough to trigger Logan's protection mode.
"What. Did. You. Say!?"
"I don't believe I was talking to you.." Cable mutters, this time their eyes connecting in that stare offish sort of way.
"Does it look like I care!?"
Word's ring through Wade's head. Words that might sound innocent but held a whole new meaning behind them. The flowers, the clothes, These meant nothing compared to them.
'My daughter is all grown up.'
Why would anyone walk through a door with even a hello and say these words as if to quickly establish the intention of his visit.
Yeah, Nathan visited like twice a year, ussually once at Christmas with his father and to visit his new little sister Rachel, but once not. Once, alone, and in his new apartment.
Wade had purposly moved to get away from the memories (and mildew) of him. The little life that they built together for a few months.
Got a new mattress even. One softer. Less springy. Used, yes, but so much comfier. You know what they say about those new matresses. Too hard. No one to wear them in. So, at least now, when he slept, he could feel the warm, soft embrace instead of a hold hard metal one.
... This isn't about matresses..
And yet, after everything, he kept coming back like a stray mutt wanting fed. Haunting him of everything he wanted in his youth but couldn't have.
'I'm sorry, Wade.. But I can't abandon my daughter'
'My daughter is all grown up.'
Now, He knew he was delusional. He knew he was dilerious even, but this? Oh, No, honey. There was no way around this. Because THIS 'between the lines' notation was actually a huge bright shining flashing sign.
The olive branch of 'Let's get back together'. Painted in gold and put on a pedestal... just to tease him.
Shaking his head, Wade had blocked out the argument before but came back to "He's his own person. He can talk to who he wants."
"No the fuck he can't! Not if they're just going to hurt him!"
"Im not going to hurt him, Logan."
"What do you call this!?"
Wade's tears hadn't stopped, his eyes red from crying, and all he could do was whimper and stare, his visson blurry.
Even when Cable WAS his, he was barley home, returning at nights and leaving again before dawn. Time cop things I guess. Sometimes he wouldn't return for days.. bringing in perks, setting things right within the balance of time, killing bad dudes, visiting his daughter, etc.
And while Wade didn't blame him for this, he didn't want that anymore. He could barely handle it back then, and now? That Logan had conditioned him with morning lovings, smothering him in the sunnight that came into their room, peppering kisses all over him, whining when Wade left the house and always scooping him up to go to the bedroom when he returned.
How he made him breakfast after holding him for hours and held his head so nicely when he gave him shower head. THE shower head. My bad. To save water, you know? It's expensive in New York, sue me.
The way he cared for puppins and fell asleep during some dumb documentary. How Logan held his hand to go grocery shopping and went as far as telling the X men that they were married, and they could kick rocks if they didn't like it.
It was... nice.. to be wanted. To be loved and to settle down. Not a lot - just about as much as Deadpool COULD settle down. He's been shown the light of routine affection, and he was not about to go back to cold nights alone, wondering when he'd come back.
It's not that he didn't love Nathan. No, the oppisite, actually. But they didn't work. As much as they clicked and how much fun he had with him, He couldn't take another heartbreak.
"T-this isn't fair.." he chokes out.
Mid argument, Logan turns. "What's not fair?"
"Breathe, Wade." Cable says, having put the clothes down, pushing it up against the side of the couch.
Taking a deep breath, it's pushed out of his lungs the moment it comes in. "It's not fair!"
Backing away from the both of them, he's holding the flowers so tight that the stems are breaking. The tears become thicker, heavier, his heart beat pounding in his ears.
"I did what I was supposed to do!! I grew up! I moved on!! I-i settled down, Nathan!! I'm married!!"
Both went quiet, an obvious frown and a concerned look plastered onto their faces.
"Why'd you leave me if you just wanted to come back? I didn't do anything wrong!! I thought you liked me! You said you loved me!!" He was shouting, sobbing, and clearly stressed out.
(And all because he thought the amazon guy was here.)
"Wade, calm down. Breathe."
"Don't you tell him to calm down! He's allowed to be pissed. You up and left him."
"For my daughter! Yes, I did-"
"So shut the fuck up!"
Breathing heavily, Wade began to pace, hugging himself and the flowers, crushing them to death, a metaphor to his desire for the future man.
"I-it's not fair!! You chose what you chose, and now you have the nerve to come back and ask me to throw everything I made for myself away! For you!? But you wouldn't do that for me!"
Now that he thought about it, this was his first time fully processing and letting out his emotions since the breakup. He was angry and grieving.
Nathan nods softly "I know and I wouldn-"
"Am I fucking finished talking!? Huh? No! So shut the fuck up!" He had spent years shoving deep down, trying to burry the anger alive.
Logan has been there. He knew this feeling all too well. But seeing Wade explode like this was kind of terrifying. He always knew Wade had that fire in him, What he didn't expect was for Wade to throw the bouquet at him. Him out of the two.
Swallowing, he scrambles to pick them up, not sure if Wade simply missed or if he wanted to keep them or not. The crushed petals on the floor were the pieces of Wade that Logan couldn't glue together, but that was fine. He loved him none the less.
"And you!"
"Me?"
"I should gut you right now for ever thinking I would leave you! I'm a grown man, I can handle myself! I-i'm allowed to cry! I don't need you to fight my battles for me. Just pick me up when I fall. Got it!?"
Logan nods quickly.
"Good!! Cause I will! And you! You should have thought about this when you abandoned me. I've tried to be your friend, I will still be your friend, but I won't let you come here with your stupidly gorgeous future flowers and think I'll bend over like a fucking bitch for you. You lost that chance!" He says, throwing his hands up and pointing at him angerly.
Nathan was going to mutter how he didn't see him like this, but was too afraid Wade might stab him, so he just nodded subtly.
"Now. Get the fuck out of my house." The growl is through grit teeth.
"But I really think-"
"I don't give a rats ass what you think! This is MY life and I'm tired of people thinking I care what they think. Now, I'll talk to you about this later when I don't feel like gauging out your only good fucking eye. Got it? Good. Nice seeing you. Bye!"
Turning on his heel, Wade goes towards the bedroom, leaving Logan to glare and start to snarl.
"Logan! Come! Nathan, leave my fucking clothes and close the door on your way out! If my dog gets out im gonna be one pissed off cunt!" He screams, now holding puppins who was desperate to lick the tears and snot from his face.
Giving each other a look, Cable picks up the bag and Logan is quick to come when called, giving him a final 'Fuck you' with a claw before he left.
Mr. Space cops eye's roll, shaking his head as he headed out.
Hearing the door clicking, Logan watches as Wade snuggles up in the blankets, hugging himself tight. He was seething.
"....you wanna talk about it...?"
"...." clacking his nails together, Logan put the flowers in a tall cup, filling it half way with water and put it on the dresser before coming to sit on the edge of the bed.
He was right.. the flowers were beautiful. They still were, even now that they were all broken and crumbled... this isn't about flowers.
Wade huffs, making a whining growly sound.
Logan nods, understanding but he's rarely been on this side of the argument. Ussually its him being all growly.
"..Im proud of you, Wade.."
The words are like an instant pull of a trigger, sniffling before breaking down again, starting to sob. This time, less angry and more mournful.
Logan sighs, crawling close to him before pulling him into his arms, rubbing his back.
Puppin's whines, wagging her tail.
"..I-it's not fair...t-the one time I do the mature thing.."
"I know... you love him. It's hard."
"I-i did.." Wade whispers, his chest tight with various emotions.
Logan knew because this was the exact feeling he felt with Scott. He thought they fit, but I guess not cause he went off and married Jean instead, and still sometimes told him things that made his chest tighten with painful grief of what they could have had, and only toyed with him when he felt convenient.
Like father like son.
Even if it felt so right to be wrong, how good it felt to be given the attention, it hurt so bad when it ended.
And that kind of hurt took decades to go away...
Luckily, Wade liked this mattress more and wasn't planning on getting rid of it so long as he may live.
#you guys love pain in the morning don't lie#deadpool and wolverine#poolverine#logan howlett#wade wilson#deadpool#wolverine#deadpool 3#deadclaws#nathan summers#cable#cablepool#mary puppins#finding home au#finding home#cablepool break up#deadpool 2#SoundCloud
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my top shows of 2024 (better late than never)
1. jack and joker (act surprised)
this was my first ever thai show and GOSH was i in for a ride.. i legit started watching this for fun because i saw an edit and i found the name ‘joke’ very funny… oh how times change.
this show was made for me, it’s perfect to me, i can talk about it forever and i will.
2. peaceful property
to think i almost didn’t watch this because the poster didn’t interest me 😭
but this is so underrated i think? it was everything to me, each story was special and made me feel so many things. the phoomvicha episode made me cry the most, along with ep 8 😞
3. last twilight
this is the 2nd show from P’Aof that i’ve seen and i think he’s gotten a spot in my favourite directors list. definitely not without faults, but still unique and beautiful and i loved it. also cried a hell lot… and i hope i can get mhok’s fart proudly shirt one day.
4. let free the curse of taekwondo
my first ever korean drama and it will not be the last!! i loved this so much, i only wish it was longer. i’m patiently waiting for all my exams to end so i can watch all of hwang da-seul’s filmography.
5. i hear the sunspot
so many firsts in this post- this is the show that introduced me to the world of asian bl… my first ever asian drama <3
i love kohei & taichi with all of my heart and although they seem to be the kings of miscommunication, they found each other in the end. and i desperately want to try that burger.
6. interview with the vampire s2
iwtv is my kind of crazy, i love them all 🤲
not much to say about this one but it’s one of the 3 shows i’ve given a perfect 5/5 rating so far. (others are j&j and derry girls).
7. the on1y one
patiently waiting for season 2🥹
these two had my entire heart 😭😭 something about this show that makes me feel so much comfort… and it’s gorgeous so that’s a plus. (my first ever taiwanese drama- sorry)
8. takara’s treasure
this was just so cute 🥹 they’re adorable and it’s just a light and fluffy show and i love that. i took care of an abandoned kitty for a while and named her takara because i considered her my treasure lol.
9. 23.5
loser lesbians <3333
if onsga and aylin had a daughter, it would be me. 100%. i love milklove and i’m impatiently waiting for whale store xoxo. and i love how view is like the girl version of mark pakin because i adore her and keep seeing her in random stuff i watch.
10. see your love
this was just so fun🥺 the best 20 mins i had every wednesday for 12 weeks. both the main leads and johnathan & xin jia have my heart, along with shu he and shaopeng’s parents. i love amazing supportive parents in bls 🥹🩵
some other favs under the cut :)
non 2024 shows i loved-
moonlight chicken
i need more series like this because 🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵 it was so gorgeous omg and it was too short 😞😞
when i watched the first ep i didn’t think i’d like it but still continued and i’m so glad because it only got better and better. and i hope whoever decided to make earthmix firstkhao gem4 sing the moon represents the heart never has a bad day in their life. i love it so much.
the best story
when are we getting the dew story yinwar?? 😭🥺 if i had a nickel for everytime war cried after seeing yin with a girl, i would have 3 nickels. maybe more if i start counting their music videos
cherry magic thailand
i wanted more taynew after peaceful property and damn!! karan was whipped 😭 it’s funny how his thoughts were like that when he had a gaystraight face the entire time
other 2024 shows that i enjoyed:
sugar dog life
i love shows that involve cooking and i love characters who bond over food. so obviously i loved this. similar to takara’s treasure, a feel good show.
caged again
it got a bit messy around the end and the story took turns i wasnt expecting, which was fine, but i felt it was different from the premise if that makes sense? i loved it still and i would definitely like to see more of ben & jay.
my love mix up th
i randomly watched this on my period and honestly it made me laugh so much so i’m biased 😭 some stupid stuff did bother me but overall very slay <3 i’m glad chokun has a main role now, after this & peaceful property ��
#top shows 2024#mine#jack and joker#peaceful property on sale#last twilight#i hear the sunspot#let free the curse of taekwondo#interview with the vampire#the on1y one#takaras treasure#23.5#see your love
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Oh you know just me crying about Ryker and our relationship one day and moving to praise and giddy on the next.
Despite all that I overthink and worry over. We are starting to have more and more brilliant training sessions.
I've been working hard to change how I approach training sessions and working with Ryker. Praise and play actually are very high motivators for Ryker. Higher than Aayla. Probably higher than food is for him. He wants to be goofy and bouncy, so let's be goofy and bouncy.
I think with Aayla I did so much more goofy play with everything I taught her for the first three years of her life. I had just wanted a hiking buddy to train tricks with. Then I got into sports and figured that out. I had so much I taught incorrectly or sloppily that I had to go back and retrain a lot of things.
So I didn't want to make that mistake with my next dog. But I swung too far in the other direction, being too serious about training the little details. While I was trying to train everything with positive reinforcement and shaping, it was too much for Ryker in too serious of an environment. He found no joy, then got stressed and it all unravelled.
So here is to finding the middle ground. Focusing on foundations and working towards correct skills while incorporating a lot of play, goofiness and fun. More toy and play rewards, less food rewards.
#dogblr#dog#dog training#dog sports#competition obedience#retrieves#ryker#mixed breed dog#cattle dog mix#year 1
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i know theres not much of a fandom here for the will of the many but ,,,.., i just finished it and.,,,,, im in shambles. life is moving around me and I'm still in shock. I have things to do but i cant even think. what,, am i supposed to do. just go on? pretend im okay with this till the next one comes out??? I FEEL LIKE A ZOMBE. I FEEL LIKE NOTHING MATERS. ALL I FEEL IS-
i dont think ive ever been hit by a book hangover as much as this like wtf even was that /pos HELLO??? CAN ANYONE HEAR ME??? LKSJFLSKJBFLKSJBFLKSBFK:BSF:KBSF:KJBHSF:KJ
#the only way forward is to live in a state of denial#i need someone to talk to abt it but every time i even think too hard i start to shake like a wet dog#please please if you come across this in the void somehow and havent read it PLEASE give it a shot#actually pro tip- dont fucking do that#the will of the many#james islington#already read the one and only fic thank you for your service 🙏#I wanna chat spoilers but honestly i dont even know where to start#if [redacted] doesn't come back its on sight#give me my scrungle or give me death#when i tell you i was ugly crying its an understatement.#SPEAKING OF#[redacted]/vis would have been cannon if the author wasn't such a- [GUNSHOTS] (/lh)#hi hello its been a day but im back bc i cant stop thinking about this#“im going to make sure you burn for this” okay and im just supposed to be okay?? after all that??? IM JUST SUPOSED TO MOVE ON?????
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I’m gonna be out most of the day bc I’ll be helping my dad with a big shopping trip plus being out after, so I’m going to be super duper exhausted
I don’t do well in crowded or loud places in the slightest, I get woozy and tired and I feel miserable or like I’m gonna pass out, and if the shopping isn’t gonna make me wanna cry, the outing after will bc it’s gonna be packed with lots of noise and people
I don’t say this because I want to complain, I just wanna give a super quick warning that I might not be active tomorrow as well as today bc when I get exhausted, my mental health tends to decline as well ;-;
so- a bit of a warning that I may poof a bit (sorry! 😣)
#But yeah :)#hopefully I’ll be able to sleep it off tonight but since school is tomorrow might end up still tired and stressed (ᵕ—ᴗ—)#lol I’m trying not to complain or make a stink about it whilst still being informative—#Edit: uh so I don’t know what’s wrong with me this morning#But it’s already starting to go to crap unfortunately#Hgnhh I wanna talk but I keep telling myself it’s selfish to talk about how I feel#Idk I’m just messed up man#Feel like crap#eating earlier didn’t help it just made me feel worse#I don’t wanna go shopping or to the outing :(#But my dad said he needs help#And I don’t think I have a choice for the outing#And school tmrw :(#I don’t wanna do this I really font#I think I’m breaking down#Yeah I’m breaking down#<- that’s dramatic I’m sorry#Edit 2: if I trigger myself so badly that I have a really quick and strong breakdown will that make me fine for the rest of the day#Bc omg I have things I need to do! I can’t mope around and be dramatic all day!#I hate this! I don’t want it! Literally any other day would have been doable!#I can’t just ask my dad to stay home from the outing either because then that would entail me explaining why I don’t wanna go and I’d cry-#-in front of him and I don’t wanna cry in front of people#I hate this so much#i wish I could just poof into nonexistence#🌾#<- atp it’s a vent#Edit 3: I’m trying really hard ace but petting my dog isn’t working
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Hi Pia! You said that you need another vacation after this vacation, so I am not sure, how puppy situation, even if it partual custudy, affecting you ( may be you in panic when he is there and then recovering when he is not, and then round and round? ), but really, If you need another vacation, I hope you know we will be here to support you for it!
It's been nearly 4 weeks now since we got Toby so I feel like I can talk about this with a bit of a clear head.
(Talk of like an actual PTSD meltdown beneath the read-more, including self-harm mention - nothing graphic. There's zero obligation for anyone to read this, especially for folks who don't think authors should ever be honest about being people with issues):
So, I've been kind of quiet about aspects of this, but I have like severe treatment-resistant PTSD and C-PTSD, and puppies specifically are one of my triggers (especially if I'm responsible for them). The reason for that is kind of awful, and I don't really want to talk about some of the things I've experienced/been through that led to that, so let's just move onto the next part. You're kind of right anon, there has been panic while he is here lol.
As a result, I had a severe meltdown the first time I tried to adopt a dog many years ago now. Could not last 24 hours, needed weeks/months to recover.
But I've always wanted to share my life with a dog and I've been in a somewhat better space over the past year or so, and I thought I could maybe handle it better. I told myself 'if I can just get through that 24 hours I'll realise it's okay and it will all work out.' Anon I cannot tell you where this thinking came from, but it was wrong. Idk why past me was kind of naive enough to think this way but here we are.
No, after that 24 hours, it got temporarily better, and then I slammed into consecutive meltdowns, each one worse than the next, until the people around me were afraid for my life. I am still recovering from some of the harm I inflicted on myself during the last three weeks and likely will be for some time to come. The combination of a really intense PTSD relapse, as well as not being able to handle (as an AuDHD person) intense changes to my schedule basically compounded and I broke.
I made the decision to rehome Toby, and first contacted the people around me. Glen's mum said she wanted a dog, and had been specifically looking into dogs like Toby anyway, and so we decided this would be best because then I could still be involved (I love Toby to pieces).
After getting some space, I finally started to adjust, and have gone back to having Toby about 4~ days a week, with a view to going to about 6 days, with one day spent with my mum, or Glen's mum.
Today is the first day I was able to handle having him on my own for around 9.5 hours. And I'm here and able to write about it, so that's progress. He'll be here all day Sunday, and then Tues-Weds-Thurs-Friday. And from there a decision will be made as to where I'm at with my mental health etc.
I'm a bit more hopeful now that I might be able to keep him, but my PTSD is still very very bad. I'm having some nights where I'm simply not sleeping until 7.30am (even if he's not here), and my hypervigilance is crazy. Like, I am having so many auditory flashbacks it's stupid. So this is why I've been saying this break hasn't been very restful or productive. Because my mental health tanked like I detonated a landmine inside myself.
I didn't actually plan the two week break for Toby! That was just a coincidence honestly.
Unfortunately I have a lot of health conditions that respond very poorly to stress, so I'm dealing with those now too. And then additionally, in all of this, I had a breast scan / mammogram / ultrasound that has confirmed a suspicious lump I found a couple of months ago (breast cancer runs in the family), and I suspect I'm going to need a biopsy. I'll find out on Monday if that's the case. That's been in the background and hasn't been helping.
There's some other stuff going on that's not really worth talking about because these are the main things, but that's a good picture I think. It turns out 'just getting through the first 24 hours' doesn't magically make a severe PTSD trigger go away. And that forced exposure is not 'exposure therapy' - that's just reinforcing a trigger.
Anyway! I feel like I'm through the worst of it, and I am seeing glimpses of how my life could be richer if I keep getting through this. But...that's why I think another break. *smiles tiredly.* I have to wait a bit now for the PTSD / C-PTSD symptoms to settle down, and I also need to see what's kind of worsened after this. Realistically, with a relapse to this degree, it could take between 3-6 months to really start recovering, or to at least get back to where I was before December.
I hope with all my heart I can get there with Toby by my side. I love him so much.
(I want to add that Toby has never ever been in a position of harm at any point, and in fact I probably put myself in harm's way for his sake, because I wanted to provide solid continuity of care - in case anyone was worried about that).
Er so yeah! But I've picked up my writing again this week and have been able to do some like...things I'd been neglecting, and I feel more human again, I just hope I get some sleep tonight
#asks and answers#personal#tobermory the cavoodle#that's also why i haven't always consistently been sharing photos#realistically he's spent about 4 days away from us?#and that alone has been enough to kind of help me sort my head out#when i realised it was PTSD that helped too#because i've been able to spot the severe hypervigilance for what it is#and sometimes just being able to name a thing helps#and finally intensive training with toby#has adjusted some of his behaviours very quickly#and he is now a very calm and well-behaved dog already#we just need to do more separation training and then i think i will finally start#settling a bit more#our vet's super happy with where he's at#but...um...you know it's never nice to make your mum cry#because she's scared for you :(#administrator gwyn wants this in the queue
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I cannot survive this day lol
#it’s only noon and I need to go to bed immediately and start over#our one triumph today: at the dentist he had his first truly epic blowout - we’re talking poop all up his back inside his onesie#no changing table in the bathroom#and my mom had taken the car so no access to the more elaborate changing setup in the car#so I had to change him on the floor using the three remaining wipes in the pack#while he screamed like he was being tortured and kicked poop everywhere#but we did it we made it and then he chugged a bottle of milk like a soldier who’d just survived his first skirmish with the enemy#I have to take ruthie to the vet in a couple hours but she’s started acting fine today so I’m afraid I’ll be wasting a huge amount of money#meanwhile Pip has started vomiting everywhere#but I think he’s just stressed about baby/sudden change#naturally though I had to have a huge crying jag in the bathroom about the fact of his mortality#anyway friends I’m hanging in there#I need to just simplify simplify simplify#I will lie down for a bit now#then I will try to walk the dogs so it’s out of the way#need to leave by 2:30 to get Ruthie in#and I can listen to a hockey podcast and feel more human on the way#then once that’s done I can just do nothing tonight if I need to#my mom is leaving around 4 for the evening but#I’ve mixed the formula and cleaned all the bottles so I think I can just like#hopefully lie around with the baby#the other thing I need to do is write my mom a thank you letter before she leaves#I just haven’t had the energy but maybe I can ask her to take the baby for an hour tomorrow#and sit outside somewhere and work on it#postpartum tag#today has just been a higher difficulty level lol but I’ll have other kinds of days too#all will be well
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{ I know me saying this doesn't matter since I'm barely here to begin with, but I likely won't be here for a while because my dad just asked me how I felt about getting a puppy that my sister keeps trying to talk my mom into and I hysterically bursted into tears due to me remembering the way our previous dogs died. It obviously had a much bigger impact on me than most thought and now I'm just terrified to have any new pets because I literally cannot handle them dying. }
#tw; pet death mention#{ I didn't expect to hear about this AGAIN. }#{ This is the second time my sister is trying to convert my parents to get another dog. }#{ And as much as I want one because I love animals... I can't. }#{ I just can't because I keep thinking about our other dogs and I start crying. }#{ It's been years and yet it feels like it happened yesterday. }#{ I cannot handle another pet death especially since our final dog Lola is already basically at that point. }#{ She's so old but I'm so scared to find her dead one day. }#{ I literally craddled my brother's dog's head in my lap when he died. }#{ Same with Shelby's body and Morgan's head. }#{ I CAN'T do this AGAIN. }#tw; negative#tw; venting#tw; vent#✠ [ ' ʙʟᴏᴡɪɴɢ ᴏғғ sᴛᴇᴀᴍ. ' ] - ✡ ʀᴀɴᴛɪɴɢ/ᴠᴇɴᴛɪɴɢ ✡#✠ [ ' ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴᴇ ᴡʜᴏ ʟᴇᴀᴅs ʙᴇʜɪɴᴅ ᴄʟᴏsᴇᴅ ᴅᴏᴏʀs. ' ] - ✡ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴏғ ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀ ✡
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i don't know what i'm feeling, everything feels like too much.
#randomly dog days are over by florence + the machine was stuck in my head#and that song always makes me think of my dad because he says he played it a lot when i was a baby and it's 'my song'#so then i started thinking about being little and just being happy and everything was so simple#and idek what's going on in my life i don't know who i am i don't know who likes me and who hates me i can't stand this feeling#literally just have been lying here listening to dog days are over and crying and wanting to go back and wanting everything to stop#but it will never stop i can never go back#i'll never go to school with most of the people i love most ever again#i feel wrong i feel like i'm not supposed to be here#i'm crying so hard rn i feel like i might throw up but i can't i can't be loud or else my parents will hear me and see me crying and i can'#go through everything again#i can't do this
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Simply not having a wonderful Christmas time. I was up all night last night because my dog got sick from a treat we gave her and was puking a bunch :(
#she seems to be doing fine today thank god. thought we were going to have to call the vet but she hasn't puked since 4:30am#and she's acting normal today & kept her food + water down. i 100% freak myself out & worry too much about everything#b/c i was like oh god what if she has a blockage i haven't seen her poop yet today even though my bf told me he saw her multiple times#so then i started googling about gi blockages in dogs & reading reddit posts of people whose dogs died or had surgery b/c of it#got myself WAY too worked up over it & was crying all night. then i went outside & watched her poop very normally at like 4am#so it's like ok clearly she's not blocked up & i'm just jumping to the worst case scenario like i tend to do about everything#DO NOT buy petsmart merry & bright treats. i'm so upset at myself for it. i was like oh haha treat shaped like a drumstick that's cute#but then reading reviews on their website so many of those treats have reviews from people saying they made their dogs sick#like oh cool i should have fucking read that before buying the treats i feel so stupid & bad like I KNOW BETTER wtf was i thinking#like i just would not be able to forgive myself if she had died from it or had to have a surgery to remove a blockage#but anyway thankfully she seems to be back to her normal self today although a little tired but not lethargic tired just regular tired#b/c we were up all night. she's back to herding the cats & barking at everything & all her usual goofy behaviors#actual thing i said last night: 'i lost my dad right before christmas i don't need to also lose my dog right before christmas'#p
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it’s kind of wild that you don’t realize how depressed you were until you start feeling better
#does this make sense to anyone else#i’m like currently coming out of a funk#even my therapist told me the past 6 months is the most depressed she’s ever seen me (i’ve been seeing her weekly for 3+ years)#and literally these past like 2-3 weeks since i put my resignation in at my old job#i have had so much energy and motivation#today i walked both dogs and went on a walk with baby girl after daycare#i went to the local nursery and bought mums & pumpkins#i brought out the interior fall decor from storage and put it around the house#like obv i have extra time bc i have some time off before i start my new job#but like!!!! i haven’t *wanted* to do anything for so long#like i was just completely apathetic#i’m gonna cry thinking about it#but it feels so good to feel like i’m turning a corner#hi if you read this far ilysm i am kissing you on the mouth
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Guess the fuck who started their morning with a panic attack
#i call it a level 8 based on my experience#could've been worse#my dog was in pain so I panicked about tgat#she's at the vet now and i know its in good hands but i'm still anxious#she's my whole reason to live so I just hope she gets better#i'm lonely now :(#but i'm doing better too just crying a bit but I guess that's understandable#they think she had a back injury and now I'm just standing here thinking of a whole plan to get ramps on every single furniture#anyway one hell of a way to start your thursday#🥨🪶#out the window with my plans of making the school homework today#i don't care about them at all when she's far away and i'm worried as all hell#grades be fucked I can re-do a semester but not re-do my time with her#oh well thought I'd tell yall so I don't go crazy all on my own here
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I've never heard of emts working only at events? What's that like for you if you don't mind my asking?
Yeah, there are ambulance companies that staff certain events, but there's some event specific companies out there lmao. For me specifically, it's almost entirely college events, whether it's happening on a campus or not. It's not great, usually pretty boring, but it's better than being on an ambulance or in a hospital. We do get actual emergencies sometimes, but usually it's just getting drunk people to the tent or giving out water and bandaids lmao. Again, boring as fuck, but I chose this over working on a 911 rig, so that's on me 😔 if I'm being so real tho, other than my coworkers, the best part of the job is the food lmaoooo it's so good and all the food trucks/food booths give discounts or free food to us depending on the location and event. And there's almost always a ton of downtime, so I basically just get paid to sit there and vibe for the most part
#not snz#when i say i love my job i mean i love very specific parts of it lmao#idk if I've said it here before or not and this is gonna sound so bad coming from someone working in healthcare#but i don't like patients lmao#i love the book stuff and i love everything in theory and i know how everything works and I'm very enthusiastic about it#but man do i not like patients ahskaksk#there are exceptions obviously but those are few and far between#it's why i love being an emt at my fire station bc we don't reslond to medical calls#like I've done medical calls there for the public but very rarely bc people either approach us or we stumble upon them#so i really only do my emt things on the people i know and i love that#i love my coworkers so I'm always happy to make sure they're okay and help them out when they're not#but i feel nothing for the public and i didn't realize i genuinely couldn't care less about them until i started doing my clinicals#it's just awkward and I'm not invested in them i just like figuring out what's wrong with them and interact with them as little as possible#again there are exceptions and i do like some of the patients but generally I'm just trying to hand them off asap#so yeah i do like working events bc the alternative is being confined to a tiny box or trapped in a hospital#i like being outside and being able to walk around the place and do things if i want to#and obviously i adore my partner#and even on the rare occasions i work with someone else all day i love my other coworkers too#and i mean yeah this might be more boring than working on an emergency rig However#it pays so much better#like why do y'all think my medic partner works there lmao he's actually good with patients and prefers the ambulance#but the pay in the field is shit so he gets paid way more working events than he would at the three letter company#insane actually that he makes over ten dollars more an hour working chill events than he would being overworked on a rig#anyway i digress#I'm looking into pathology assistant school rn bc there's like no patient interaction there but i still get to be nosy#so that's perfect for me lmao#everyone keeps saying i missed my calling as a vet tho like i don't cry when a dog dies in a movie lmao i wouldn't survive#working with animals would be amazing but the only thing that really gets you money is being a vet#so that can be a hobby
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Wow this sucks
#I’m literally gonna cry wtf#I’ve been trying to get back into writing so I was going through some old journals and reading the poems I wrote back in 2015#and I left my favorite pages sitting on top of my notebook on my bed and my family’s dog came in while I wasn’t looking and destroyed it all#like they’re completely gone#some of the few pieces of writing from my teenage years that I’m actually proud of and wanted to revisit and it’s completely destroyed#I’ve found 2 scraps and they’ve got about 4 words in total#this was multiple pages full of writing#this is so discouraging I don’t even want to write anything now#like I started taking an online poetry workshop last week trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and maybe possibly move in the#direction of trying to get some of my poems put out there#and I’ve been in a huge writing slump for the last like year#and I was hoping this might get me out of it but now I don’t have any motivation to do it#I just wanna cry#I can’t go back to being a teenager again I can’t rewrite the way I felt back then#and now it’s really gone forever#I’m so sick and im working 3 jobs and I just want to be creative again but I’m tired#and I’m about to get hit by this giant hurricane#I’m really overwhelmed I think this was just the straw that broke the camels back#brb gonna go cry myself to sleep over lost poetry#sorry this is me venting feel free to ignore this#vent post#will probably delete after I’ve gotten more than 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep
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and loving you was easy, it was you leaving that scarred
#I'm actually extremely ugly sobbing at 4am yall and it's all cause of this lyric stuck in my head#and I keep thinking about b99 as that lyric because one of my biggest fears is things ending like things could be anything#and b99 has genuinely become my comfort show like I was dreading it ending since I started watching s4 bro#but now I'm on s8 and I REFUSE to watch the last two eps just so it's like it never ended for me yk and I'm alr rewatching it#heh its giving Amy being like “I'll just never open it that way I'll never get rejected”#like this is the logic I'm using for this rn#like I thought I was sad about young sheldon ending but no this is wayyy worse#genuinely hate this like wth#and on top of that it's the fact that Andre and the dog that played cheddar have passed so it's even more sadder#and oh no I'm crying again#brooklyn nine nine#jake peralta#b99#amy santiago#terry jeffords#gina linetti#charles boyle#raymond holt#rosa diaz#norm scully#michael hitchcock#brooklyn 99
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