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shoko-komi · 11 months ago

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This special edition of The Komi Report is split into 2 posts. This is Part 1. Click here for Part 2

Hullo! Welcome to the mildly anticipated 2023 Annual Edition of The Komi report! What awaits you below the read more mark is the ultimate retrospective on this year in Komi Can't Communicate. What makes it ultimate? As far as I'm aware, it's the only one of its kind. So I win by default.

I've spent the past week re-reading and ruminating upon the 50 chapters of Komi that came out in 2023, and I've done my very best to boil it all down into the ultimate mega-report!!! It's a long one, so only open it when you're ready for a read!

CONTENTS

1. A Letter from the Editor

2. 2023 in Review

3. The Emoi Awards: (My) Top 5 Chapters of the Year, Most Emoi Moment, Funniest Joke, and Reader’s Choice

A Letter From the Editor

Dear Reader,

It's been a long time since I tried to engage in fandom. People with whom I'm not already acquainted vex, confuse, and frighten me. So rather than seek out community, I'm inclined to keep to myself and my close inner circle of friends. You might say that Alice can't... Alice can't com... communi........

But I love Komi Can't Communicate so very much. Getting my little dose of emoi every Wednesday is the best part of my week. So, to extend the fun and keep myself from bursting; I started making reaction posts, called them The Komi Report because I like to play pretend, and here we are now!

The Komi Report is consistent only so far as it's always unfocused. I get so wrapped up thinking about the things I want to say that I forget to say most of them. I'm scattered, I'm overly harsh, and I'm awkward. However, I amuse myself tremendously. So it's alright in the end.

I like to imagine this is some big, serious publication with a large readership. That's far south of true. But there are a small handful of people who interact with the Report on a regular basis. By my personal standards, that puts me on par with the editor of the New York Times.

So my hearty thanks to anyone reading this special edition of The Komi Report. I have endeavored, in my silly little way, to stir up a few silly little emotions in your heart. If I succeed at that, then I’m satisfied indeed.

I wish you happy holidays, and a very happy new year.

2023 in Review

Alice,

The Komi Reporter

In my mind I break Komi Can't Communicate down into three major sections based on Komi's three years of high school. Her first year is the Bronze Age, second is the Golden Age, and third (which is still, of course, ongoing) is the Silver Age. By this naming scheme I don't mean to imply that one year is better than the other. Only that each of them represents a distinct period of Komi's narrative and for Tomohito Oda as an artist. Talk to me about that sometime; I'll talk your ear off.

Here I've attempted to break 2023 down into its major constituents as well. It's messy, considering the meandering nature of serial fiction like this, but I think I've done a decent job. How exciting for me.

‘Kawai’ encompasses both her story arc and chapters wherein she features predominantly. ‘Kissy Kissy’ and ‘Rumiko’ explain themselves. ‘Emoi surprise attack’ lumps together Ogiya, Emoyama, Fuki, Yadano, and Michita's story beats because I think they're identical in tone and intent. And ‘Komi and Hiki Reunite’ gets its own colour because I love Hiki Komorebi. And I can do whatever I want.

RIP the younger siblings. Shosuke, Hitomi, Ai, and Sanjuro-Rokuro appeared only very briefly this year. Fingers crossed they get some good moments in 2024.

To reflect on 2023 as a whole, I will discuss my general thoughts on each of these segments individually; bar Hiki and the assorted miscellany, for that would require talking too much about individual chapters and would derail everything and plunge us into a lake of fire.

Kawai

Reddit is a hostile and alien environment to me, but I like to peruse r/komi_san every now and then to see what people are saying. The Kawai-heavy months were particularly fun, because Ms Rami dominated conversation and polarized the entire subreddit into petty arguments, the likes of which I still chuckle about. There were Kawai haters, Kawai lovers, Kawai haters who compared her to Yamai, Yamai lovers who tried to turn those comparisons into a positive. It was chaos.

(Link)

Me? I'm a Kawai stan for life. I'll say it at every opportunity; I love when Komi shows off her passionate side – stubborn as a mule, jealous, competitive, and a little domineering. The study camp arc brought those parts of her right out. So, although I didn't find Kawai all that interesting as a character at first, I was enjoying myself.

An old flame of Tadano's - mentioned for the first time in a passing joke long, long ago - appears unexpectedly. She's like an evil dimension Komi – down to the way her shining silver hair contrasts with Komi's dark black-purple. There's no actual risk of her stealing Tadano away, but she undermines Komi's confidence and challenges her openly. A challenge that's impossible to resist.

They spar back and forth. Kawai has the advantage in athleticism and intellect. But when they come to the final portion of the quiz game, Kawai's self-centered attitude is her downfall yadda yadda etc. etc.

Then.... then.... they have that talk on the beach...

...where she reveals her batshit insane long-term plan to watch over Tadano from afar; become the perfect bride-to-be in secret; then appear when the moment is right, drive away all competition, and sweep him off his feet??? Ice-cold kuudere/yandere bitch queen. Be still, my beating heart 💞.

But she has the self-awareness to see things clearly – As she talks to Komi she begins to realize how her attitude has steered her wrong. She sees how Komi and Tadano have something real; how she's been fooling herself all along. Kawai admits that she was behaving poorly and concedes defeat. Growth!!!

I'm going to backflip across the room. I felt like I had achieved nirvana the first time I read this.

I see in Kawai a girl who's been isolated for so long – stuck in an absurd romantic fantasy as a coping mechanism – that she has no concept of how to engage with people casually. She was a lonely child, her parents died tragically, and then she was raised by people who didn't know what to do with her. She seeks meaningful connections but has an extreme, intense personality and abides by an overly literal definition of what makes a ‘family’. Thus, her behavior is overbearing and, at times, inappropriate. But she means well.

Also, she's the best new character since Rumiko and she should never change ever.

One of her lackey's has a big, gay crush on her...

...and I hope Kawai notices her some day.

I saw many people who were frustrated with how heavily Kawai featured in the first half of 2023. I for one think we need more of her. Much, much more of her. I choose not to address her... interesting relationship with her relatives. One must turn a blind eye now and then.

Kissy Kissy

Every romance story faces a serious problem when the lovebirds finally hook up. How do you retain romantic tension once they're formally together? Many stories don't. This is perfectly fine if the story ends at the confession of love, but if the story continues then there needs to be a deeper foundation to the relationship than will-they-won't-they tension (or you can contrive a reason to split them up again).

Komi Can't Communicate has not suffered from loss of romantic tension!!! Wahoo!!!!!

I was stoked back when it became obvious Oda was going to bring Komitano together so soon before the end of the series. I had no doubt the romance would remain compelling - Komi and Tadano are just plain old nice to see together; whatever they might be doing.

So to find out they'll be dating for an entire third of the series??? Yes please. In the english translated tankobon, the love triangle ended in March with the release of volume 23. So we got Komitano officially dating in print; then a few months later, in the weekly chapters, they kissed for the first time. What a year!!!

Tadano is boundlessly patient and thoughtful, and he understands Komi's needs with intuition that crosses the border into mind-reading. He became her first friend motivated only by an earnest desire to help, and never demonstrated jealousy as she became increasingly independent from him. He's a pleasant fellow; faithful, gentle, and kind.

Komi is.... well, she's Shoko Komi

The build up to it is so sweet. A festival date with just the two of them~ She's wearing the dress he chose; he's wearing a shirt with buttons on it (a step up for these shonen romance boys).

Then it goes terribly... and you'd expect these two stress machines to be panicking. But no, they've grown so much and bonded so deeply. They laugh it off in the rain and retreat somewhere dry for a smooch or two... 🥰 kyaaaaaa ✿!!! Emoi!!! And they're both crazy flustered about kissing... but Komi gets assertive... she's kinda like that asldnalsjdnja

The romance is alive. And between these moments, I just like seeing them together; no matter what's going on.

Rumiko

Way back when Rumiko was introduced, she was like a revelation. Her strong, unique personality and chemistry with the rest of the cast made her an instant series staple. Introducing a new character for a long and complex love triangle plotline was a tricky proposition, and Oda managed it with a stroke of genius. Such a stroke of genius that everything before Rumiko's intro feels, in retrospect, like it's missing something. Which is not to say that pre-Rumiko KCC is bad, or that Rumiko should have entered sooner. No. Everything about the way she was handled is perfect...

...up to a certain point. On a tangential note: if you think Rumitano should have been the outcome of the love triangle (hello! you know who you are :3) I can't honestly say I disagree. I don't agree. But I also don't disagree.

(Ch. 285)

(I like Rumitano and Komitano equally. And RumiKomi) But all of this is just lead-up to the matter at hand.

What's pertinent to this 2023 review is the way Rumiko has been handled post love triangle. During moments of passion I've blamed it on Wakai monopolizing her time, but that's unfair. Wakai is just fine. His will-they-won't-they plot with Rumiko is just fine. I do enjoy it at times. What gets on my nerves is how reduced Rumiko feels. At some point Oda decided she's ‘girl who makes unsightly facial expressions’ and that's so much of what we get of her when we get to see her. Her personality has been somewhat squashed.

Couple that with how the focus of her plot with Wakai is primarily on him. She feels like a side character now, when in the past she was effectively a third protagonist. It was inevitable that she step down from her peak of prominence as her role as rival-in-love came to an end, but... idk. She's Komi's best friend (Tadano doesn't count). She’s the Rumiko Manbagi.

There are moments where Rumiko's personality still shines. During her date with Tadano in particular (which was a breath of fresh air). I also enjoyed her summer festival date with Wakai (Accidentally calling a girl ‘mum’ on the first date? I'd die). Those moments are lovely. But feel diluted...

^^ In this moment I felt like her relationship with Wakai might become really interesting akoakjsndnasd

I said up above that I think KCC is in its Silver Age. Well, there's a major reason why. The magic isn't lost, but it's faded ever so slightly without the golden lustre of our favourite gyaru's hair......

But who knows what'll happen next? Oda surprises me constantly, and I think that's one of the things I love so much about this series. Right when he starts to lose me, Oda reels me back in. A comeback for Rumiko could be right around the corner.

Emoi Surprise Attack

This is the loosest of my categories. What can I say? I'm a loose girl. No... uh... pretend I didn't say that. It's true, but this isn't the time or place.

These stories are related insofar as the last few months of 2023 have been a grab-bag of minor characters receiving surprising and heartfelt little stories. Ogiya, Emoyama, Fuki, and Yadano were joke characters who never seemed destined for serious attention, but every one of them came out swinging and hit a home run... wiht our hearts............... they sent our hearts into the stands.........

Michita is new, and I hope we see her again soon.

Anything more I have to say about these chapters would require talking about them individually, which is beyond the scope of this section. So let's do a lightning round:

Ogiya – PHENOMINAL

Emoyama – PHENOMINAL

Also, Hello Moromi-san. Is there a woman in your life? Can we be Mrs. And Mrs. Emoyama?

Fuki – PHENOMINAL

Yadano – PHENOMINAL

Michita – PHENOMINAL

AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGG!!!!!!!!! (cry of Emoi)

There you have it.

----------------------------------

So ends the overview!! If you're bothered I didn't talk about something in particular, don't worry; the Emoi Awards get more specific. There's sooooo much that I left out in the pursuit of brevity.

I want to make a special note of the reveal in Ch. 407 – Interview. Komi plans to study International Communication in university. I was anticipating the reveal of her course of study, and I wasn't disappointed. It could not have been anything else.

My overall feeling about the series at the moment? Great!!!! I complain bitterly at times (I'm a whiny, weeny windbag) and I'm at my harshest when I'm forming first impressions. But going over 2023 and remembering all the good times brought into perspective how much fun it's been. It also really put into perspective how much Komi has grown as a person. She’s so confident now compared to where she started from...

So... yeah!

And now the contentious business begins...

The Emoi Awards

Paam pa du paam!!!!! (that's fanfare)

Now it's time to get granular. This is the cream of the crop. The best of the blessed. The chapters and moments that had all of us laughing, giggling, chuckling, guffawing, weeping, sobbing, and crying.

My opinions about Komi Can't Communicate are perfect and definitive, so if you disagree with me about any of this... argue vehemently with me. I'm not joking. Don't be mean to me or I'll cry, but do please tell me your opinions! The more you talk to me about Komi, the more powerful I become. Mweh heh heh heh heh heh

Here are the categories:

(My) Top Five Chapters of the Year

(My) Top 5 Chapters of the Year

Most Emoi Moment

Funniest Joke

Reader’s Choice

I did NOT expect this to be so hard. I had to firmly limit myself to only five choices... and I was tearing my hair out. This mANGA IS SO GOOD ARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

Listed in order of publication (love has no hierarchy. Except in kink).

1. Chapter 392 - Kawai is...

Kawai spends the entire study camp being a fierce enemy to Komi, then stays up late and has an emotional heart-to-heart on the beach with her, then runs 20kms all the way home... and by noon the next day she's in Komi's house to propose marriage. And she's already been to Tadano's to do the same. Bisexual, polyamorous, and a serious go-getter. When Kawai wants something, she spares no expense.

My regards to the future prime minister of Japan. It's a shame Rumiko didn't think of this first.

But seriously, though; I laughed out loud the whole way through this chapter. I was delighted to no end. If I ever doubted Tomohito Oda's ability to surprise me, that doubt was erased forever. Kawai was a good character, in one fell swoop she became legendary.

I love you, Kawai.

2. Chapter 406 - My Name is Kuro

Maybe I'm biased about Rei Natsukido. Maybe I'm biased because this was the first chapter on which I made a Komi Report. Either way, I'm biased and okay with that. Having Rei and Mira around for a visit all the way from America was so much fun, and we got the return of Komi Can't Communicate's #1 best character – Princess Elizabeth Alexandrine Georgine Jeanne Catherine Christiane.

I love that Mira acts all cool and distant but can't stop herself from becoming invested. I love how passionate and imaginative Rei is about the game. I love how Komi is just along for the ride and she's having a blast. I love that Komi is playing a boy character.

(Ch 169 – Playing With Dolls)

And I love their funky plush toys.

I love you, Rei and Mira.

3. Chapter 410 - Cicada-rrounded

Hiki Komorebi is yet another S Tier character. Unrelated to that; her height is so funny to me. She looks crazy tall next to the other characters - she even has a complex about it - and then you find out she's only 180cm. Japanese people are short.

Anyway,

Cicada-rrounded has this complete twist in the middle where it goes from a heartwarming reunion to a battle for survival against icky bugs. Komi and Hiki meeting again was built up for so long, and it's a beautiful moment,

and then it gets de-railed immediately in the best and funniest way possible.

I would go so far as to say this is a perfect chapter of Komi Can't Communicate. It's equal parts sentiment and comedy, and kills it on both fronts. If I had to pick a #1 favourite from these 5? I might maybe possibly be inclined to consider this one.

I love you, Hiki. Also Akira

4. Chapter 411/412 - A Two Person Summer Festival Stroll/The Second Time

I already gushed about these two in the overview section. What more is there to say? Except that it's a little annoying how Tadano remains so timid about romance stuff; but it gives us so many opportunities for assertive Komi to come out, so that's alright.

Komi is kinda like that... aosjkdoaksdokansdnajiosd. Get it, girl.

(Ch. 427 - Cool)

I love you, Komi and Tadano

(This special edition of The Komi Report continues in Part 2)

#komi can't communicate #komi san wa komyushou desu #komi #komi report #the komi report #komi shoko #shoko komi

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hek4te-x · 2 years ago

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I'd love to know more about your take on Tamlin. I wouln't say I love him, he's done a lot of stupid shit. But I don't think he's as bad as people make him out to be. He's just a bit dumb sometimes lol.

Ohohoho, this is fun. (Edit after writing: sorry, it got really long, I didn't even get to the part where I talked about the tithe and the rest.)

I guess most of my liking for him comes from the fact that he was a character that was screwed up by S/JM. We all know the bad shit he has done to Feyre, locking her up, slut shaming her, etc, but then I remember Tamlin from the first book and he seems like a completely different character from the rest of the books.

He was retconed SO MANY TIMES.

He did offer to help Feyre to read and write, but that dumb bitch refuses rudely every single time claiming she didn't need his help. Tamlin sent her away when he thought she would be in harms way after he hadn't managed to get her to love him too, but she went UTM out of her free accord. He did try to help Feyre at UTM even after being sliced open with ash wood and bleeding all over the carpet and being week, with her understanding he couldn't do a lot, just for her, a book later, say he didn't help.

People love to bring up the way he acted UTM when than man was being watched and harassed every single second of every day, there wasn't a way for him to help Feyre without being killed or getting her killed too. So he sent Lucien, who he knew would be able to get to her. People forget that Rhysand spent 50 years gaining some sense of thrust from Amarantha to act so freely with his time.

No one talks about how he probably, and very realistically, was also super fucking traumatized by his life and what had happened UTM. He love Feyre. He watched her being demeaned and defiled every day by a man he shared history with. Watched her die. All the while not being able to do anything or he'd risk her safety too. It isn't far off to see why he thought that she was better safe locked up then out there to the shit storm that exists outside. What he did was messed up, but he thought it was the only way.

Then we all know how suddenly he became irredeemable on the later books bc S/JM has the habit of showing you explicitly who you should like and who you should hate. Oh, Rhys? You should like him, look at his tragic past and trauma that made him act like a dick to everyone and feel entitled. Oh, Tamlin? No no, you should hate him, look at his tragic past and trauma that made him act like a dick to everyone and feel entitled.

Rhys has done worse to Feyre than Tamlin, but it is ok because at the end of the day it was all justified. Him using her as a sex symbol was justified bc he did what he had to do. Him hiding her own high-risk pregnancy that would certainly kill her was justified bc he did what he had to. Him locking the IC inside Velaris at the risk it would be exposed if they left was fine bc it was justified. Him threatening to kill Nesta after she revealed to Feyre abt the pregnancy is ok, I guess bc he was angry.

Tamlin and Rhysand have almost done the same things. The difference is, Tamlin's actions weren't justified via a 6 page text block telling detail after detail how his life sucked ass.

#acotar #a court of thorns and roses #tamlin #a court of silver flames #pro tamlin #anti sjm #not really anti the characters bc i still hold them dear to my heart

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cielpansyhive · 1 year ago

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I haven't checked my stats on AO3 in a year or more. I know people rank things different ways. Some people go by hits, others kudos, some by comments, bookmarks, subscriptions, ect. You get the picture. Hits are tricky, I've heard of people getting hits by bots. Which throws everything off, you see 50 hits and zero kudos, like, "fuck, these people read and hated it?" Maybe, but also it could have been a bot. For me hits can be more discouraging than helpful. I go by everything other than hits. So, with that in mind, I want to talk about my most successful works. (This is in no way meant to be me boasting. I'm a small-time writer. My point is, if I can do it, YOU can do it.)

I believe my most popular work is Revamp, it has the most subscriptions and comments. It's the work I'm known for. It's a little on the lower end for kudos and bookmarks, but it's not finished. The very fic people know me for is also my first work. (Because of this I'm working on revising what I have before updating another chapter. No worries, it's not abandoned and never will be.) That said, I was terrified to post it originally. Not only was it my first but there were maybe ten other fics at the time with trans Ciel and that was it. I didn't know if there was a reason for that. Lack of interest? People getting hate? I was clueless. But I had a story to tell so I sucked it up and posted and I'm glad I did! I've talked to so many people and befriended some because of that fic. I take forever to update and people still get excited over it when I do update. It really means a lot! My life changed because of posting it and it gave me the courage to pursue writing and share my stuff.

My highest bookmarked and work with the 3rd most kudos is a smut one-shot (That Butler, Sensitive) that I was worried would be "too weird" for people. I know way more people who think hand kinks are weird than ones that are neutral or into it. It was another I was reluctant to post and bam people loved it. I'm still shocked by the feedback.

My highest kudo work, the first couple chapters were awful. They were quick little things I wrote for tumblr, I got enough feedback I decided to post them on AO3. Chapter 1 I wrote drunk, I'm not even joking. Did I have fun with it? Yes. Was it to my standard? Fuck no. I have since revised the first two chapters. The third chapter, Sebastian is so OOC, but once again I did have fun with it. The last chapter has figging, a kink I don't know anyone of really having...at least in my personal life. The work as a whole (Canon Divergent SebaCiel) is just fun debauchery. In the beginning it was difficult for me to post smut. It was difficult to write too, I'd get stuck in my own head. But if you write whatever thoughts flow out, it's so simple! Because I became more comfortable, I was able to write my second highest kudo work (Clathrus Archeri) that was inspired by a fungus. Yep, we get that freaky with it. My readers enjoy it, it's all good.

My fourth highest bookmarked and fifth highest kudo work (Relax) is one that I stated was "the worst smut I've ever written." It was extremely self-indulgent but at the same time I spent so long editing it that at the end I hated it. I thought in comparison to my other smut it was low level. It also had trans Ciel, so I'm glad one of my works with him made it in the top 5. Yet, I wouldn't have that had I not posted.

While most of my works are obviously Kuroshitsuji, I do have works for Voltron too. I have almost zero interactions with the Voltron fandom. I will reblog things and read (kudo, bookmark, subscribe), but besides comments on my own fics I haven't talked to anyone. A big part is that I'm shy. Another is that I'm too old for fandom drama, ship wars, and what have you. If someone wants to chat with me, I'm glad and I will talk, but I'm not putting myself out there. The same will go when I start posting Vanitas no Carte fics. I'm very ship and let ship and that will piss off some people. It's easier for people to approach me rather than me trying to figure out if someone will hate me for my ships or not. Okay, very long intro for my next point. My third highest subscribed work (Atlas Ocean Rescue) is for the Voltron fandom. They don't know me from anywhere, exception the kuro people that also like Voltron, but apparently my work has readers. This fic is super self-indulgent, I love mermen okay? I'd say overall my Voltron works aren't doing too bad considering I basically just post and run. As anxious as I get to post anything, posting for another fandom was really hard. There wasn't the pressure of people knowing my work, but there's the very real feeling of, "oh fuck, this could flop terribly." A few Voltron works have already surpassed my "worst" Kuro works...so success? I think so!

For anyone who read all my nonsense, you get a gold star. I hope you also noticed the patterns here. That is, write for yourself and your audience will find you. Don't censor yourself, be true to you and go with the flow, have fun! Write characters how you want to write and read them. Indulge in your kinks, I swear you aren't the only one that has them. Step out of your comfort zone every once and a while. If you post a fic and it flops, so what? It's not the end of the world. What if the fic you think will fail ends up being your best one? You'll never know what will happen unless you post it, it might surprise you. As your skills improve it's okay to go back and revise and edit. But don't let your skill level hold you back from posting in the first place, we all have to start somewhere. You can engage with fandoms as much or as little as you want. (I do encourage reblogs, kudos, bookmarks, ect.) But if you are too shy to talk or don't know anyone in a fandom, don't let that stop you from creating for that fandom. If you only have one work in you for a fandom, do it! If you have multiple? Do it! Rarepair? Go for it! Someone else will probably thank you for it! Vent writing? Dead dove? Extremely therapeutic for you and for others that are more so readers than writers. (Note writing dark stuff just for exploration and entertainment is fine too!! Horror is a well-loved genre for a reason. Fiction is fiction.) Bottom line: don't let you get in the way of yourself.

Will you get hate? You might, I won't lie. That said, people troll everything, any hate you get just shake it off. Odds are it's nothing personal or about your writing, it's they don't like the ship, or any AU, or the dynamics with smut, or the kink, or they're phobic, or if you write intense stuff it's too dark of content for them. If you tag things, it's on the reader if they ignore the tags or they purposely expose themselves to content they know will upset them. I highly recommend if you are concerned about hate, only let registered users leave comments. That's what I do with all my fics and I have had zero negative comments. People are less likely to leave nasty comments if they have to show their face, it's so much easier for them on anon. Some hate I've got on here (tumblr) could be from AO3, but I honestly think it's mostly just other tumblr users that have never read anything of mine.

I'm not as active as I once was on here. It's been years since I updated or posted a kuro work on AO3. I don't have the spoons (energy) to do as much one-on-one as I used to, but know I am cheering on all the creators, new and old. I am here if anyone needs some extra encouragement. But honestly, just write. Even on the off chance you're the only one that likes your work, you have at least one fan. If you don't write for yourself, then who are you writing for? I swear readers can tell the difference when you write something you're into verses something you think will be good, but you don't care about as much. Your best writing is the writing that YOU would read. Don't focus on what you think others will think. Your people will find you.

We all start as that person that's afraid to post our works, it's natural. Tackling that fear was one of the most difficult but best thing I've done for myself. If you want to post, do it! 💖💖💖

#personal #AO3 stats #writing pep talk #fuck do I ramble or what #this is directed at writers but can be said for all creators #do what makes your heart happy

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starcorpscommander · 1 year ago

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Project: Wingman Starters, Crimson 1 Edition

Feel free to change any references to locations/factions as appropriate.

Machine of the Mantle:

We’re spent on fuel and ammo, give us a reason, HQ.

Roger, tally ho, let’s chase these dogs off.

If you’re unable to fight, disengage, I don’t need mercenary trash getting a lucky shot off.

Don’t get cocky, cornered animals tend to lash out.

Cold War:

I’m on the leader, the one with the crown.

Do you even understand what you’re doing?! You’re getting in the way of world peace!

Tell them we have them, just keep sending reinforcements, don’t take this from me!

Return:

Unsurprising, they always return to the scene of the crime.

______, engage, avenge this land.

Sheep are to be protected and yet wolves like you have to be fed, do you see the problem here? We're the sheepdogs.

Come back here, you've made this personal.

I should've killed you when I had the chance.

If I had killed you over Yellowstone, this war would have been over by now. It was a mistake, I intend to correct that.

You know, they used to call me obsessed. Now, they call me their solution.

At the end of the day, you're just a criminal looking for your next handout.

You've taken too much, you'll lose everything in turn.

The world will prove you wrong even if you win this war, but it's not like you'll live to see it, mercenary.

Just think, how many have you killed?

You're wild dogs, of course!

Kings:

You're a slave to history.

Even after Calamity, you fight against the only order that can guarantee the safety of your people.

You solely are responsible for this.

What do you have to show for yourself, merc, blood? Gold? A broken throne?

I will bury you so completely, the earth will turn over a thousand times before your body is dug up.

You can't run, you can't hide, you made this decision long ago, you can't back out of this deal!

I'm Cascadian, you think I take joy fighting over my homeland, killing my own countrymen?!

If you never showed up, I never would have lost all that I have!

Me and you now. No distractions, no wingmen, no war, just me and you, whoever wins is the best pilot.

Every safety's coming off, no second chances.

"Monarch," you use the name of a king, but what do you rule over, the dead?! The Federation fought for peace in this war and you denied them that!

The people of Cascadia, do you know what you've taken from them?! Their homes! And for what, to secede from the world?!

What, you think you can fight this war again in 50 years' time, do you really think history will see it your way?!

You don't even care why you're here!

How does it feel to not have a country, to not have borders to define yourself against the world?

The Calamity erased mankind once, our chance to start again, this is how you've dealt with it?!

You drove me to this...this death and destruction over the Federation, millions of lives lost... So many ghosts... Kill me...or be killed!

This is my home!

Here we are, fighting for Cascadia's soul.

That's the deal you made, right?

What happens when you shoot me down?! Can you even think?!

What will you return to?! Where will you go?! We both know how this ends!

Kill me, kill me and see what happens to this world!

Either way, your life ends today!

And my squadron, do you think they deserved it?!

The Federation might try to forget about you, but I won't, this is for the good of the world!

Come on, come in for that kill, you dog!

______, when you hear the thunder... ...when the storm...comes for you... ...remember me.

#ask meme #inbox meme #rp starters #sentence starters

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louisupdates · 2 years ago

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COSMOPOLITAN

BY FRANCESCA SCRIMIZZI (28.11)

(translated into English)

Looking over the stairs of a building in Corso Matteotti in Milan, two steps are enough for me to appreciate a confused and amused echo of fresh voices thundering in my direction. It approaches like a round hum that follows the structure of the stairs. It presses on regardless of my presence, whizzing fast next to me while I remain motionless on a quay. I realize, only later, that these are fans of Tomlinson, with autographs of their favorite singer in hand, obtained after who knows how many dreams and waits. Time stretching back to 2010, the year in which Doncaster's promising footballer presented himself to X-Factor UK, [Louis] did not pass the auditions but rather than be accompanied to the door, he was invited by Nicole Scherzinger, guest judge of that edition, to take part in a group in the company of other boys from different corners of the UK whose names will be destined to resonate. As it ironically turned out, One Direction did not win the reality show, but will eventually be confirmed to be the flagship product of the talent show by far, as were Måneskin, the great second place winner of the eleventh edition of XF Italia and now on the podium of the world. Within a short time: 50 million albums sold, titles such as Top New Artist according to Billboard, four BAFTAs, and in 2014, according to a list drawn up by The Sunday Times, One D would be the richest boy band in the history of British music, with a fortune of about £14 million each, receipts from both music and the sale of highly demanded merch.

But like any story, whether it's of love or professional intent it matters not, the breaking point came: in 2015 Malik left the band, and in March 2016 the rumors of the alleged dissolution of the band found confirmation, with the members announcing that they are taking a break until a date to-be-determined. From here the solo careers blossom, with Tomlinson founding the independent record label Triple Strings - (from which he was released in 2020) - with Steve Aoki - the single "Just Hold On". From here on, several tracks followed, such as the singles "Just like You" and "Miss You", and two albums, Walls and Faith In Future, released in November 2022. Meanwhile, Louis’ private life also was percolating, with the birth of a son to American fashion designer Briana Jungwirth, and two major losses, of his mother, who was struggling for months with leukemia, and sister Félicité, who died from a cardiac arrest at age 18. I spent an important time interviewing the 30-year-old boy whose eyes shine and who now comes straight at me, welcoming, melancholic, happy. This is Louis Tomlinson, an artist with a never-never-forgotten past and a bright future that is told through some titles from his new album.

Faith in the Future. An eloquent name. Where did it come from?

'I already had the title of the album in mind before anything else. So it dictated the mood to what I wanted to say, create. You usually write a few songs before thinking about the title of the album, but it was a nice way to do it, different, compelling. It gave me a very clear path of what I wanted to say, in terms of the intentions of the album. I was then trying to create something that would be nice to hear live since fans’ reaction to the past shows were incredible, surprisingly welcoming. Now I want to match these feelings, this enthusiasm, I would like to double that extraordinary feeling.'

Bigger Than Me. At the moment, what’s bigger than you and what do you want to overcome?

'During the lockdown I stopped to think and reflected on my career as a whole, thinking about the shows, songs and the meaning they can have for other people. And for a long time it was not easy to realize the impact this has had on people's lives. There were moments when I was on stage and it all looked bigger than me. In those moments a lot of things go through my mind. I think about trying to do everything right and being a perfectionist and everything. But when I get off the stage every night, I have the feeling that, thankfully, most of the people present had a nice evening. So, despite whatever crosses my mind, it's very easy to be too analytical as an artist and performer. And actually all of this is much bigger than what happens in my head.'

What would you recommend to a person who, like you, stops too much to think? Where and how can this virtuous circle be interrupted?

'I would say try to take every day as it comes, trying to live the moment a little. Because it's very easy to get caught up in the anxiety of the unknown. But if you have even a shred of faith in that future, everything will be fine.'

Chicago. What are the cities that make you feel at home?

'No place is like Doncaster, where I grew up. I spend a lot of time in Los Angeles. My son lives there, so of course there is that feeling of home due to having an important person in a very specific place. A place I always go back to, then, for whatever reason, is Barcelona. I had some good experiences there, good times. I think it's a fantastic city. I've never lived there, but I go through it often and will continue to do so.’

The Greatest. What's the song of your life, the one you always come back to?

‘Instinctively I would tell you ‘Super Sonic’ by Oasis.’

What about your biggest fear?

‘Some time ago I would have told you the fear of getting old. Now that I'm more mature, I would say it's that I can't make more music. It's all I have, everything I can do.’

And the greatest hope for the future?

‘To continue to do live music shows, meet my fans, engage in tours around the world.’

The greatest advice you can give to those who would like to become an artist, tomorrow.

‘I think when you start working as an artist it can be difficult to understand who you are specifically. This is a process, but it is much easier to work backwards starting from who you are not. And it's something I've always found very powerful: working backwards in this way. It gives you a clearer image of who you are as an individual and as an artist.'

And you, what are you not?

‘An asshole. I think. I hope!’

#louis tomlinson #cosmopolitan italia #28 november 2022 #faith in the future: promo #faith in the future: italy

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ladyazulina · 4 months ago

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Azu is Talking — A Little Too Personal at the End

This week, the dental pain I have been updating you about has been decreasing. Slowly but surely. I was able to stop numbing my mouth to fall asleep earlier in the week, so that’s… good? I guess? It’s still hurting, but I see even the smaller of steps as progress, so.

This Creative Monday was… intense, to say the least. Fortunately, the mechanic of this game seems to be coming pretty nicely. Wordy-wise, at least. I easily spent the whole afternoon working on it, seven hours. From late morning to right into the evening, with a long break to prepare and eat lunch (watching a series episode~) and a shorter one to have a coffee.

My eyes were tired of seeing words and I still wanted to try to add something to the [REDACTED] adventure, ‘cause that goes whenever I can, remember? And I did, though very little, and my eyes ended up also hurting after that. I still have just a bit more than two weeks left to work on it. Not sure how many words missing just yet. But with just an hour or so to end my working hours, I wasn't really sure about my odds (I did the add-up with five minutes to spare). Don't have to rush and worry about it just yet, but the sooner I can end it, the better I will feel. And I always want to feel the better.

That’s not what usually happens on Tuesdays… Particularly this one. When reading a book in which you have 50+ favorite highlighted quotes, Review Tuesday becomes a nightmare.

Read this week’s review:

Posting each and every one of those quotes individually (because I want to 😭) is a heavy job. I can try to quell it a bit by listening to music and reading those quotes during the arduous posting to remind myself how much I loved that book, but it still leaves a toll. Especially if after the first massive posting on Tumblr, I'm doing the same on Patreon, repeating it on Ko-fi, and doing it once more on Co-host! Doesn't surprise me that it took me a whole day. But a whole day trying to post a review was going to easily become a killer instead of a cause of excitement. That's why I rebranded my Ko-fi and the way I shared the reviews on Co-host! Now it's a headache, but a headache that takes a slightly less amount of time and leaves me with enough left to try to fix the rest of my day. Or madden me even more, who knows?

Iron Valley, Linney's Campaign, is being live every Tuesday.

Yeah, kind of that is what I meant. Not only that, though.

I started the day by sharing everywhere I could the second post of Linney’s campaign on Iron Valley. Then I worked on posting the review of the week. All those reviews are from books I read in 2022 and 2023, I haven’t had that much of a reading spur this year mostly because I wanted to slow down and read some books I wanted outside of ARC and Beta picks. It hasn’t worked like that, if I have to be honest, but it’s like I needed the rest. I am still reading (or trying to 😬) for the teams I am already a part of, just took a year’s pause from actively looking and pursuing new teams to apply for.

After that, anyway, I had a really motivating brainstorming session with a trusted friend 💙 (my heart aches for being able not only to say but also believe that I have friends I can trust) that led me to dive for almost six hours on the [REDACTED] adventure. I was satisfied (and oh so tired) for basically finishing it with a little more than two weeks before the deadline (being aware of the time was, is, and will still be jamming my head), but I still have to make a few editions to make it the best I could. I feel so low-key hyped.

Working Wednesday, though, didn’t have much of ‘Working’. I started the day with a power outage and that wrecked my plans, even if they were really not that time or head-consuming. I could have finished with my Collaborative Writing Workshop later on, but I wasn’t feeling it. Had enough of a time figuring out what I was going to eat and how I was going to dive into the darkness of a kitchen I had even in the brightest of hours (and I had, for a change, the brightest of days so far lately). Fortunately, the power came back for a little bit to let me fix my breakfast. And then came back again so I could fix my lunch (really, really thankful for that). It went out for a little bit again when I was prepping my dessert (the first time in a long time, I can get accustomed to that 😏). But so far it held. Still have no idea what happened that day (to warrant the power outage, I mean).

So, when I finally was able to settle, it was already time for the coffee break (sacred, do not disturb), and I felt so out of sync that I just made some last-minute editions and called it a day. I added a few more things to my schedule (’cause I just remembered), but so far it could have totally gone as an UnPlanned Resting Day. I took a book from my small, brand-new, growing, personal library collection and read for hours. I don’t remember when was the last time I read a physical book I physically held in my physical hands (my last birthday doesn’t count because the book wasn’t mine yet and I was in a bookstore 👀), so it was nice. Now I just have to finish it. Preferably before the end of the month. Hopefully more on that next week 🤞

Backstage Thursday was… backstaging, ba dum tss 🥁 I did an orderly move of tasks to help me manage a bit better few certain things outside my thematic days. Like an edition I had to start because of me getting into a new project… as an editor. It took me longer than I expected, but I had so much fun starting to dive in there and I’m loving a lot the setting and the concepts and I’m into the idea that my ‘boss’ is such an easy-going person, it will be hella fun to work with them. I did my scheduled task as well, and also had to reject a possible paid project because I didn’t find myself fit enough for it. Mature decisions. I’m growing way so fast 🥺

I also found a solo TTRPG game I could playtest the week after next. I know I ‘should’ have finished the previous one by now, but life happened. Anyhow, I’m happy and excited for the new game. I really can’t wait. I’m surprisingly content as well with the subjects I was able to grab for my incoming semester. I had to withdraw all of them last semester, so I wasn’t sure how things were going to go on this one, but I even found a virtual class! It’s the best of the best of what I can get. I will totally talk a lot more about my college life after the semester starts in three weeks anyway, so let’s wait until then.

On Secret Friday, though, I was not having it. I woke up in a m o o d, that much I noticed. Last week I signed up as a player for an incoming charity weekend stream to raise funds for medical aid for Palestine by playing TTRPG games. I woke up that day overthinking the help I could give as a player with my need for accommodations. If I haven’t said it yet, I’m hard of hearing and that is such a Big Thing™ in my life… at least for me. All the session zeros and games seemed to be taking place on voice channels on Discord, and Discord doesn’t have yet closed captions integrated (w h y?!). The session zero for a game I wanted to play was taking place that day, so my mood wasn’t helping. It was pushing me to just withdraw altogether, not wanting to be a bother by switching the calls to Google Meets, which could be a problem during a live stream if none of us had a paid account cause Google would be kicking us out every hour. For a game of at least three hours. I… I wasn’t having it.

Fortunately, it did not have a grasp of me. The session zero was held on Google Meets, and the organizer said we would have an account with a Google free trial, so it shouldn’t be able to cut us out during the stream. I had a lot of fun meeting the cast and was glad of hadn’t listened to my head. Now I can formally invite you to accompany us from August 2nd to August 4th on Desis & Dragons’ Twitch channel, we will be playing a lot of games with huge diverse casts for such an amazing cause.

Still on that same Secret Friday, I was also having sad feelings, finding an article in my inbox that very morning that started like this:

Living with hearing loss impacts every aspect of my life. It shapes how I communicate, navigate the world, and connect (or, more often, don’t connect) with others. During Disability Pride month, I find myself thinking lately about unexpected support — the small, impactful ways people have shown up and advocated on my behalf when I couldn’t. There’s my wife, of course, who helps translate basically everywhere we go, and who’s learning ASL with me so we can communicate a little easier. — Pride and Perseverance by AnnaGrams.

As I said, I was having feelings, and I was already a filled well, so I was overflowing. That start hit me somewhere and thought about approaching the author, Anna Pulley, but I was at a loss for words.

I tried to do things that day, but nothing (apart from the session zero) seemed to be working for me, so, understandably so, I just let it be. My partner spent a lot of time with me and, after the session, we had our coffee break (I started having coffee breaks thanks to him) and a few hours watching a series.

I partly knew what I was feeling, so when I didn’t wake up on Playful Saturday feeling better, it didn’t surprise me. It took me a while to figure out what it was though, but after the first harsh wave, I noticed there is only one thing able to destroy me completely overnight. The hormones were shifting to prepare for the period.

What’s the problem with it? The feelings, thoughts, and emotions I have been feeling for the last decade around the hormones have been extremely radical. I don’t consider myself an impulsive person… in this sort of thing, at least, but the intensity that overcomes me has been huge enough to scare me. Of myself. For myself. I’ve been fighting depression all my life and earlier with this I noticed it is something that affects greatly my style of life. Very few people believe me, not the ones who could help me do something about it though. Yet. So it hasn’t been funny.

After communicating with my partner, he decided it best to keep me in his line of sight. So dear friends I also kept in the loop were checking on me. I felt a prisoner of my own body (though this happens often and not only because of this particular matter) and a hostage of my own mind. I made the smarter move, but it was a difficult day.

Reaching the evening, my partner started looking for activities to actively distract me. We ended up playing a few (many) puzzles from Baba is You. It was highly stimulating and I ended up deeply engrossed, so much so that when he had to leave me to spend time with his family, I shifted the attention toward the TTRPG game I’m playing. Instead of the four parts I used to go over in the previous weeks, I was only able to focus through one and a half of another, but so far that was more than I expected to do that day. Depending on how this new week goes, I may or may not finish this first campaign there. I’m excited.

The excitement doesn’t break through this mood that’s bringing me down, but now that I recognized it, it’s slightly easier to fight it. Just slightly. Being able to differentiate when something comes from you and when it comes from the liar you have as a brain makes it all a bit less strenuous. And, sometimes, that’s all you need.

I’m only playing in one game so far next weekend, but nonetheless, I hope to see you there. Until next week 💙

#AzuIsTalking #weekly update #weekly blog #blog #personal blog #weekly log #personal life #accountability

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xeccentric · 5 years ago

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Ahsoka is back!! ❤️❤️❤️

youtube

#star wars #the clone wars #ahsoka tano #anakin skywalker #fanvid #sw tcw #ahsoka #anakin #snips and skyguy #i love the new episode so much!#ahsoka is still babey #i now ship her with trace #anakin and ahsoka and now confirmed siblings #i spent way to long on this edit but it’s only 50 seconds long ;;

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alicepire · 3 years ago

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Some thoughts on the Supergirl finale:

-Alex I get that you’re ready to let the whole world burn to save your daughter, but your daughter is in the world. Why not spend a couple of minutes coming up with a plan?

-sure, I can buy that the US government has a special satellite that can harness the power of the sun. Go off. But that whole “the sun will take six months to recharge.” “But we need the sun for crop growth!” Conversation is one of the funniest things I’ve seen on TV all year.

-ok, so Kara spent 3:55 charging from the sun, a process that takes 4:00. But because she stopped it with seconds to spare before the end, she somehow didn’t absorb all the things that she already seemed to absorb, as implied by the brain CGI, and the sun no longer needs six months to recharge? None of that made sense and was a very weird bit of filler. Also why did she need to recharge with the sun over the middle of downtown? And why did it make the cars crash?

- ahh yes. I see we’ve decided that Kara doesn’t inspire hope and only solves things with her fists, disempowering people by helping them. How very “government handouts are bad” and “we didn’t watch season 1” of them.

-why did Lex and Nixly turn into Voldemort?

-so Brainy needs to go to the future to join with the big brain. Since the future is in the future, why can’t he live a long life with Nia now and then time travel to the right future moment to join with the big brain after 50 years?

-“Monel died on the way back to his home planet”. I love that he was included and that they shut down all possibility of Karamel. Actually good.

-nothing about the resolution of Lex and Nixly made sense, nor was it enjoyable. The whole thing felt like they made a list of phrases and themes they wanted to touch on, but didn’t think about how to cohesively include them so they made sense. I can understand wanting to pack a finale full of everything meaningful, but that needed a couple more rounds of edits.

-the wedding was beautiful and I love them

-if they couldn’t do Supercorp, then that was a good way to leave them

-why the fuck would a journalist who loves being in the field and investigating stories want to be an editor in chief? She’ll write an op ed during election season and times of great national crisis and nothing else.

-Cat’s first scene was awful. The other two were on brand.

- overall, the episode reminded my why the show needed to end, with the occasional glimpse of why I loved it.

-if Kara couldn’t end up with Lena (and have the requisite multi-episode arc to make it authentic) I’m glad she ended up being comfortable with herself and didn’t get stapled to some random dude. That was great.

-Lena can’t be in a relationship until she learns to not put her shoes on the furniture.

-why do all the lesbians get married outside now? I say this as a lesbian who got married outside, but it’s one hell of a trend this year.

#supergirl #supercorp #supercat #Supergirl spoilers #Supergirl finale

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unpopularwiththepopulace · 3 years ago

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Don’t I Get a Dream for Myself ? – Bernadette Peters and the 'Gypsy' Saga

Gypsy. It’s perhaps the most daunting of all of the projects related to Bernadette Peters to try to grapple with and discuss. It’s also perhaps the most significant.

For someone notoriously guarded of her privacy and personal life, careful with her words, and selective of the questions she answers, the narrative around this show provides some of the most meaningful insights it is possible to derive in relation to Bernadette herself. The show’s ability to do this is unique, through the way it eerily parallels her own life and spans a large range in time from both Bernadette Peters the Broadway Legend, right back to where it all began with Bernadette Lazzara, the young Italian girl put into showbusiness by her mother.

The most logical place to start is at the very beginning – it is a very good place to start, after all.

(Though no one tell Gypsy this, if the fierce two-way battle with The Sound of Music at the 1960 Tony Awards is anything to be remembered. Anyway, I digress…)

Gypsy: A Musical Fable with music by Jule Styne, lyrics by Stephen Sondheim, and book by Arthur Laurents, burst into the world and onto the New York stage in May of 1959. After closing on Broadway in March 1961, Ethel Merman as the world’s original Mama Rose herself led the first national tour off almost immediately around the country. Just a few months later, a second national touring company was formed, starring Mitzi Green and then Mary McCarty as Rose, to cover more cities than the original. It is here that Bernadette comes in.

A 13-year-old Bernadette Peters found herself part of this show in her “first professional” on-the-road production, travelling across the country with her older sister, “Donna (who was also in the show), and their mother (who wasn’t)”.

The tour played through cities like Philadelphia, Chicago, New Haven, Baltimore and Las Vegas before closing in Ohio in 1962. Somewhat uncannily, its September 1961 opening night in Detroit’s Schubert Theatre even returns matters full circle to the 2003 revival and New York’s own Schubert Theatre.

Indeed this bus-and-truck tour was somewhat of a turning point for Bernadette. She’d later remember, “I mostly thought of performing as a hobby until I went on the road with Gypsy”.

But while this production seminally marked a notable moment for the young actress as well as the point where her long and consequential involvement with Gypsy begins, it’s important to recognise she was very much not yet the star of the show and then only a small part of a larger whole.

Bernadette was with the troupe as a member of the ensemble. She took on different positions in the company through the period of nearly a year that the show ran for, including billing as ‘Thelma’ (one of the Hollywood Blondes), ‘Hawaiian Girl’, and additional understudy credits for Agnes and Dainty June.

The above photo shows Bernadette (left) with another member of the ensemble (Sharon McCartin) backstage at the Chicago Opera House as one of the stops along the tour. Her comment on the stage of the Chicago theatre – “I’d never seen anything so big in my life!” – undeniably conveys how her experiences were new and appreciably daunting.

Along the tour, she assumed centre-stage once or twice as the understudy for Dainty June, but playing the young star was not her main role. Unlike what more dominant memory of the story seems to purport.

Main credits of June went instead to Susie Martin – a name and a tale of truth-bending that’s now well-known from Bernadette’s concert anecdotes. While performing her solo shows as an adult and singing from Gypsy, Bernadette has often been known to take a moment to penitently atone for historical indiscretions of identity theft or erasure where her mother long ago conveniently left out the “understudy” descriptive when putting down Dainty June on her resumé, in an effort to add weight to the teenager’s list of credits.

Whatever happened to Susie Martin? – many have wondered. Well, she soon left the theatre. But not before appearing in two more regional productions of Gypsy and a 1963 Off-Broadway revival of Best Foot Forward with Liza Minnelli and Christopher Walken.

Bernadette too went on to other regional productions of Gypsy. She spent the summer of 1962 in various summer stock stagings with The Kenley Players, like in Pennsylvania and Ohio, and this time she did indeed get to play June.

Above shows photos from different programmes for these productions. While some may have featured odd forms of photo editing, they at least also bring to attention Rose here being played by none other than Betty Hutton.

The two women couldn’t have been in more different positions when they coalesced in these rough-around-the-edges, small-scale productions. A young Bernadette was broaching summer stock in starting to take on bigger roles in the ascendency to her bright and long career. Meanwhile, Betty found herself there while navigating the descent that followed her sharp but fickle rise to Hollywood fame in the ‘40s and early ‘50s. Top billing Monday, Tuesday you really are touring in stock after all.

While details aren’t plentiful for these productions, it was recounted Betty apparently struggled in performing the role. And understandably so. Following the recent traumatic death of her mother in a house fire, and the birth of her third child shortly before the shows began, it’s not hard to see why her mind might have been elsewhere. Still, she was apparently impressed enough by the younger actress who turned in one of the show’s “creditable performances” to make comment that she would’ve liked Bernadette to play her if a movie were made about her life.

Bernadette might not have done this exactly, but she did go on to revitalise Betty’s best-known movie role, when stepping into Annie Oakley’s shoes in the 1999 Annie Get Your Gun revival. With Bernadette’s first Ethel Merman show under her belt, the ball was soon rolling on her second.

The 2003 production of Gypsy was imminently beckoning as her next successive Broadway musical and it was Arthur Laurents who lit the match to spark Bernadette’s involvement. Laurents, as the show’s original librettist, drove the revival by saying he “didn’t want to see the same Rose” he’d seen before. Going back to June Havoc’s description of her mother as “small” and a “mankiller”, and Arthur’s take that Bernadette sung the part “with more nuance for the lyrics and the character than the others”, the choice of Bernadette was justified. Moreover, “Laurents – whose idea it was to hire her – [said] going against type is exactly the point,” and Sam Mendes, as director, qualified “the tradition of battle axes in that role has been explored”.

So Bernadette also had her own baseline of innate physical similarity to the original Rose Hovick, in addition to her own first-hand memories of the women she’d acted alongside as Rose in her youth to bring into her characterisation of the infamous stage mother.

But there was a third factor beyond those as well to be considered in the personal material she had access to draw from for her characterisation. Namely, her own real life stage mother.

Marguerite Lazzara did share traits with the character of Rose. She too helped herself to silverware from restaurants, and put her daughters in showbusiness for the vicarious thrill. Marguerite had “always wanted to become an actress herself”, but had long been denied her desire by her own mother, who likened actresses to being as “close to a whore as you could be without, you know, getting on your back”.

In that case, to “escape a housewife’s dreary fate in Ozone Park”, Marguerite channelled her latent dream through her pair of young daughters instead, shepherding them out along the road. Thus was produced a trio of the two children ushered around the theatre circuit by the driven mother, forming an undeniable parallelism and a mirror image of both Bernadette’s reality and Gypsy’s core itself. Bernadette didn’t see some of these familial parallels at the time when she was a child, considering “maybe I didn’t want to see” – “didn’t want to see a mother doing that to her daughter”.

It was coming back to the show as an adult that helped Bernadette resolve who her mother was and some of the motivations that had propelled her when Bernadette was still a child. She realised, “I think she thought she was going to die very young”, as her own father died young. So “she was rushing around to get as much of her life as she could in there”.

When she herself returned to the production in playing Rose, Bernadette conceded to sometimes bringing elements of her mother and her driven energy into her portrayal, and admitted too she looked “like her a lot in the role”. You can assess any familial resemblances for yourself, from the images below that show a young Marguerite next to Bernadette in costume as Rose, and then with the pair backstage in 1961 in a dressing room on the tour.

Marguerite was ambitious. From her own personal position and with the restrictions imposed upon her, it was ambition that materialised through her children. Irrevocably, she altered them. She placed Bernadette on TV as a very young child (“I was four when my mother put me in the business”); changed her daughter’s surname (“She told me my real name was too long for the marquees,” or really – “too Italian”); doctored her resumé (“Somehow the word ‘understudy’ vanished. ‘No one will know,’ said Marguerite”); and lightened her hair (“She’d say, ‘Oh, I’m just putting a little conditioner on it.’ But slowly my hair got blonder and blonder!”). All in the hope of giving her child a more favourable chance at the life she’d always wanted for herself.

On paper, a classic stage mother. “When I was a kid, she fulfilled herself through me,” Bernadette would say. “She put me into show business so she could get a taste of the life herself.”

But it’s important to consider Bernadette often qualifies that her mother wasn’t as brutal as Rose, nor was she herself as traumatised as June.

Bernadette didn’t begrudge her mother for her choices – at least by the time she was an adult, she’d rationalised them, explaining “naturally it was more exciting [for her] to go on the road with me than staying home and keeping house”.

As a child, Bernadette hadn’t necessarily wanted to be on stage, but there was a sense of ambivalence – not resentful belligerence – as she “didn’t care one way or the other” when she found herself there.

Like June, Bernadette may have been entered into and coaxed around a path she hadn’t voluntarily chosen. But unlike June, Bernadette had a deal with her mother that “she had only to say the word”, and she could leave.

Most crucially, she never did.

But that’s not to say Bernadette was enamoured with acting from the beginning.

She seemed to feel ‘outside’ of that world and those in it. And others saw it too.

It was in 1961 in Gypsy that Bernadette first met Marvin Laird – her long-time accompanist, conductor and arranger. The way he put it, he “noticed this one young girl, very close with her mother” who, during breaks, “didn’t mix much with the other girls”.

Beneath the effervescent stage persona, there’s a quieter and more reserved reality, and a sense of separation and solitary division.

When asked by Jesse Green in 2003 for the extensive profile in The New York Times if she thought her experiences on the road in Gypsy were good for her at that age, she gives a curious, somewhat abstract, predominantly dark, potentially macabre, response. He wrote:

She doesn’t answer at first but seems to scan an image bank just behind her eyes for something to lock onto. Eventually she comes out with a seeming non sequitur. “I didn’t know how to swim. I remember, in Las Vegas, I fell in, once, and they thought I was flailing, but I felt like: ‘It’s pretty down here!’ I might have been dying and I was thinking: ‘Look at the pretty color!’ And suddenly my fear of water was gone, and I could have stayed in forever.” After a while, I realize she’s answered my question. Then she dismisses the image: “But I had to get my hair dry for the show that day, so up I came.”

I’m still not entirely sure I know what she’s trying to convey here. My interpretation of this anecdote changes as I have re-visited and re-examined it on multiple occasions at different time points. It’s arguably multiply polysemic.

Was she simply swept up in a moment of childlike distraction, lost in the temporary respite alone away from the usual noise and clamour? Was she indicating comprehension that her feelings and perspectives came secondary to any practical necessities and inevitable responsibilities? Was she using the water to depict a muffling and fishbowl-like detachment from others her age who got to live more ‘ordinary’ lives in the ‘normal’ world above that she felt separate from? Was she referencing the pretty colours she saw as a metaphor for show business and how she became bewitched by them even despite potential dangers? Was she trying to legitimately drown herself, or at least exhibiting an ambivalence again as to whether she lived or died, because of what the highly pressurised demands on her felt like?

The underlying sentiment through her response in answer to Green’s primary question was that, in essence – no. Being a child actor was not “over all, a good experience for a youngster”.

Acting might have been something she fell in love with over time, but not all at once, not right from the beginning, and not without noting its perils.

It was a matter of accidental circumstance that landed Bernadette in the show business world to begin with at such a young age in the first place – “I just found myself here,” she would offer.

Her mother, who was “always crazy about the stage”, “insisted” that her sister, Donna take lessons in singing, dancing and acting.

A further point of interest to note is that, although it was Bernadette with her new surname who would grow up to be the famous actress, look to the cast lists from the 1961 touring production of Gypsy that featured both sisters in the company (see photo below) and you’ll find no ‘Lazzara’ in sight. Donna too, appearing under the novel moniker of “Donna Forbes”, had also already become stagified (nay, ethnically neutralised?) by her mother. As such it is clearly demonstrated that Marguerite’s intention at that point was to make stars of both her daughters. Correspondingly so, when her sister returned from her performance lessons some years before, “Donna would come home and teach me what she had learned,” Bernadette remembered. She may have gotten her “training second hand”, but the key element was that she got it.

For Bernadette, it was a short jump from emulating magpied tricks from her sister as well as routines from Golden Age Busby Berkeley musicals on the ‘Million Dollar Movie’ in front of the TV screen, to her mother getting her on the other side of the screen and actually performing on TV itself – belting out Sophie Tucker impressions aged five for all the nation to see.

The photos below show Bernadette in performative situations at a young age (look for criss-crossed laces in the second for identification).

“At first, as a toddler, Bernadette enjoyed performing; it came naturally, a form of play that people inexplicably liked to watch.” It was “just a hobby” and she “wanted to do it”.

But while she may not have detested it, she didn’t entirely comprehend what was going on either. “I didn’t even know I was on TV,” she said. “I didn’t know that those big gadgets pointed at me were cameras and that they had anything to do with what people saw on the television set.”

When she started gaining more of an awareness of how “such play [was being] co-opted for commercial purposes”, she grew less enthralled. “She didn’t care for the bizarre children, accompanied by desperate mothers, she began to see at auditions: ‘They spent their whole time smiling for no reason, you know?’”

Being a child who had become sentient of being a child performer began to grow wearisome and grating to the young girl who had her equity card, a professional (and strange, new) stage name, and an increasingly long list of expectations by the time she was nine. There’s a keen sense she did not enjoy being in such a position: “I wouldn’t want to be a child again. When you’re a child, you have thoughts, but nobody listens to you. Nobody has any respect for you”.

Gypsy did indeed mark a turning point for Bernadette as mentioned above – but not just in the way that seems obvious. Looking back at it now, it does appear the monumental turning point at which she started appearing in significant and reputable productions, beginning what would be the foundation to her ‘professional’ career. However it was also the turning point after which she nearly quit the business altogether.

When she returned from performing in Gypsy, Bernadette felt like she’d had enough. One way of putting it was that she “then retired from the business to attend high school”, wanting to have some semblance of a normal scholastic experience “without the interruptions”. But whatever dissatisfaction she was feeling as an early adolescent on stage, she didn’t resolve at school – going as far as saying that while at Quintano’s School for Young Professionals, “she was in pain”.

“When you’re a teenager you’re too aware of yourself,” she recalled. Being a teen and trying to come to terms with of the expectation of the ‘60s that “you are supposed to look like Twiggy, and you don’t, you feel everything is wrong about you”. Everything “was all about tall, skinny, no chest…[and] hair straight”. Little Bernadette with her “mass of [curly] hair and distracting bosom”, as Alex Witchel put it, was never going to fit that mould. “That was not me,” she stated. “At all.”

Her self-consciousness grew to the point that it became overwhelming and asphyxiating. “I was trying desperately to blend in and be normal, but that doesn’t allow creativity to come out,” Bernadette said. “I knew I was acting terrible. The words were sticking in my mouth and all I could think about was how I looked”. It was hard enough just to look at herself (“I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror”), let alone to have other people gawk at her on stage. So she stopped trying. She “didn’t work much from age 13 to 17” in the slightest. Bernadette would later reflect in 1981 in an atypically open and vulnerable interview, “I was very insecure. Insecurity is poison. It’s like wearing chains”.

It was a combination of factors that helped her overcome these feelings of such toxic and weighty burden to draw her back into the public world of performing and the stage. “The two people who helped her most, she says, were David LeGrant, her first acting teacher, and her vocal coach, Jim Gregory.” Jim helped with “[opening] a whole creative world for [her] with singing”; and it was David who’d give her the now infamous and often (mis)quoted line about individuality and being yourself.

Having these kinds of lessons, she reasoned, was “really a wonderful emotional outlet for a kid of 17”. The process of it all was beneficial for her therapeutically – “you have a lot of emotions at that time in your life, and it was great to go to an acting class and use them up”. And Bernadette felt freer on stage than she did out on her own in the ‘real world’, saying “[up there] I don’t have to worry about what I’m doing or saying because I’m doing and saying what I’m supposed to be doing and saying”.

Finally then and with considerable bolstering and support, she grew comfortable with the notion of being visible on stage and in public, and realised she was never going to blend in as part of the chorus so it was simply better to let go of such a futile pursuit.

David LeGrant’s guiding advice to Bernadette (“You’ve got to be original, because if you’re like everyone else, what do they need you for?”) wasn’t just a trite aphorism. For her, it was a life raft. It was the key mental framing device that allowed her to comprehend for the first time that she might actually have intrinsic value as herself. And that it was imperative she let herself use it.

She had always stuck out, yes, but she had to learn how to want to be seen – talking of it as a conscious “choice” she had to make when realising she did “have something to offer”.

Thus soon after Bernadette graduated, she stepped back into productions like in summer stock and then Off-Broadway as she made her debut at that next theatrical level at 18. It wasn’t long before she was discovered in what’s seen as her big break in the unexpected smash hit, Dames at Sea. And so Bernadette Peters, the actress, was back. And she was back with impact and force.

Besides, as she’s also said, she couldn’t do anything else – “if I ever had to do something else to earn a living, I’d be at a total loss”. An aptitude test as a teenager told her so apparently, when she “got minus zero in everything except Theater Arts”. So that was that. Her answer for what she would’ve done if she’d never found acting is both paradoxically exultant and macabre – “I don’t know, probably shot myself!”

Flippant? Maybe. Trivial? No.

Acting is thus undoubtedly related highly to Bernadette’s sense of purpose and self-worth. This is what makes it even more apparent that a show with such personal and historical connections for her, as in Gypsy, was going to be so consequential and impactful to be a part of again as an adult and perform on a public stage.

She’s called inhabiting the role of Rose in the 2003 revival many things: “deeply personal”, “life changing”, “like going through therapy” – to name a few.

In interviews regarding Gypsy and playing the main character, when asked what she had learnt, Bernadette would frequently say something like, “It taught me a lot”. Pressed further about specifics, her answers often hem close to vague platitudes as she maintains her normal tendency of endeavouring to keep her privacy close to her chest.

On one occasion, she actually elaborated somewhat on what she’d learnt, giving a fuller answer than the question is normally afforded anyhow. Beyond all it revealed to her about her mother, she extended to admitting “my capacity for love and my capacity for anger” as aspects in her that the show had permanently altered. Moreover, Rose to her was undoubtedly the “most rewarding and fulfilling acting experience” she had ever had.

But while such deep, personal and emotional depths and memories were being stirred up beneath the surface in private, she was getting vilified in public singularly and repeatedly by New York Post columnist, Michael Riedel.

Even before she’d set foot on stage, Riedel set forth in motion early in the 2003 season a campaign of vocal and opinionated defamation against Bernadette as Rose that she was miscast, insufficiently talented, and would be incapable of executing the role.

Too small, too delicate, too weak, too many curves (and too much knowledge of how to use them). Not bold enough, not loud enough – not Merman enough. Chatter and speculative dissent begun to grow in and around the Broadway theatres.

For such a prestigious and historic musical theatre role, it was always going to be hard to erase the large shadow of an original Merman mould. Ethel was woven into the very fabric of the show, with the rights to Gypsy Rose Lee’s memoirs being obtained at her behest in the first place, and the idiosyncrasies of her voice having been written into the songs themselves by their very authors.

To step out from such a domineering legacy would be a marked challenge at the best of times. Let alone when battling a respiratory infection.

Matters of public perception were certainly not helped when Bernadette then got ill as the show started its preview period and she started missing early performances.

Nor did it help with critical perception that the Tony voting period coincided so synchronously with Gypsy’s first opening months – giving Bernadette no time to recover, find her feet, and settle more healthily into the show for the rest of the run before the all important decisions were made by that omnipotent committee.

The tale of her illness is actually undercut by a more innocent and unsuspecting origin than you’d expect from all the drama and trouble it engendered. Bernadette decided nearing the show’s opening to treat herself to a manicure. In the salon, she was next to a woman very close to her with a frightful sounding cough. Who could’ve known then that this anonymous and inconspicuous lady through a fateful cause-and-event chain would go on to play such a part in what is among the biggest and most enduring Tony Awards “She was robbed!” discourses? Or even more broadly – in also arguably playing a hand in the closure and financial failure of an $8.5 million Broadway show after its disappointing performance at the Tony Awards that ominously “[spelled] trouble at the box office” and led to its premature demise?

Bernadette did not win the Best Actress in a Musical Tony that night on June 6th 2004. The award went instead (not un-controversially) to newcomer Marissa Jaret Winokur for Hairspray.

She did however give one of the most indelibly resonant and frequently re-referenced solo performances at the awards show just before she lost – defying detractors to comprehend how she could be unworthy of the accolade with a rendition of ‘Rose’s Turn’ that has apocryphally earned one of the longest standing ovations seen after such a performance even to date.

Even further and even more apocryphally, she reportedly did so while still under the weather as legend as circulated by musical theatre fans goes – performing “against doctor’s orders” with stories that have her being “afflicted with anything from a 103-degree fever, to pneumonia, to a collapsed lung”.

Seeing then as unfortunately there is no Tony Award speech to draw on here, matter shall be retrieved fittingly from that which she gave just a few years earlier in 1999 for her first win and previous Ethel Merman role in Annie Get Your Gun to wrap all of this together.

As has been illustrated, there are many arguably scary or alarming aspects in Bernadette’s Gypsy narrative. There’s undeniably much darkness and an ardent clamouring for meaning and self-realisation along the road that tracks her journey parallel to the show. But unlike Rose’s hopeless decries of “Why did I do it?” and “What did it get me?”, there was a point for Bernadette.

As her emotional tribute in 1999 went: “I want to thank my mother, who 48 years ago put me in showbusiness. And I want to finally, officially, say to her – thank you. For giving me this wonderful experience and this journey.”

Whatever all of this was, maybe it was worth it after all.

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meichenxi · 4 years ago

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Hey, could I ask you how you do shadowing? Like the different ways you do it? You mentioned in your tag that shadowing is good and I'd love to hear how you do it! I do not attempt shadowing much so I don't really know what helps, etc. ToT (my studyblr is rigelmejo)

Hellooo! Thank you for the interesting question!

Tbh I think I do it fairly basically - I don’t use any particularly fancy software, but software like Language Learning with Netflix has certainly made it easier. There’s a whole video on how to get the most of it here: [on mobile, link didn't work - How to study Chinese with Netflix! by Chinese Zero To Hero] (I’d recommend checking out all of their videos actually, they’ve done a bunch of livestreams recently and they place a lot of emphasis on shadowing + the course they are trying to sell you is…actually phenomenally good)

(Also, I have to preface this by saying that I have been very lucky in terms of pronunciation: I learnt about 80% of my current vocabulary by ear without characters or pinyin. I have been in China for eight months in total, and while I didn’t speak Chinese for all of that, I was constantly soaking in info on natural sentence intonation. I still often don’t know officially what the tone of a vocabulary item is, especially if it changes tone like 教, 为 or 相, but I don’t get yelled at so I have definitely internalised a lot of those changes. I definitely would have more trouble with this if I hadn’t had that experience - my other areas are waaaay weaker because of this though- my reading SUCKS lmao and I can literally handwrite about ten characters)

Anyway. How I shadow:

1) Quite simply by playing the line, and repeating it with all the emotion it has!! I usually use Netflix or Viki for this. I try to do it as fast as possible, and if I can’t do the whole thing, I ‘chunk’ it: if I were doing the sentence 我们还不知道他会不会来, I would start from the end with 他会不会来, then 不知道他会不会来, and then the whole sentence. Notice that this isn’t breaking it down into words or even grammatical phrases, but intonational phrases: it would be perfectly sensible to just do 会不会来 without the 他 but realistically, since this is a question, it’s likely that a strong stress will be placed on the first 会, and you wouldn’t be able to replicate that without also included the more weakly stressed syllable before.

2) I locate (intentionally or subconsciously) the main locus of stress within the sentence, and I focus on that accordingly. Tones may become less extreme if they are not stressed, and may become more exaggerated if stressed. This is always a good exercise. I accompany this with physical actions - I throw my hands down, I sigh, I groan!

3) I put away the text, and don’t look at the tones or even my computer screen - more on this below.

4) Finally, when I think I’ve got it reasonably accurate, I’ll record them speaking the line into my phone with an appropriate pause for copying and play it back to myself at various points throughout the day.

5) I then go and find other words with the same tone contour to slot in, and copy it again. After that, I find words that are slightly different tonally and pop them in too.

6) I finally do fun things like hold a conversation with myself. This can be really simple phrases imbued with some kind of emotion - 这个女子到底是谁呀？为什么不认识我？应该是新手吧。You can do this either really informally, or very formally, or both - trying to speak in the latter way is very fun! So then it’d be idk something more like: 那位姑娘是何人，来��何处？This is fun because you can really slow down your speech and sound as elegant as you like!! (this will sound stilted if you do it for modern speech, but it’s a very fun exercise)

Choosing your media!!

1) Don’t use donghuas. Seriously. The voice actors usually speak at a ridiculous pace and not with the same range of ‘normal’ intonation

2) Your Chinese is definitely good enough to recognise when anyone is quoting poetry or speaking in a paricularly sexy literary way so, uh…don’t do that. That rules dramas like Nirvana in Fire OUT.

3) Modern dramas and reality TV shows CAN be great, but they can also be quite intimidatingly quick and almost too mushy at times. I’d recommend informal speech in guzhuang dramas more, because they have professional voice actors and extensive sound editing, meaning that although it might be fast and the vocabulary harder, it’s actually much more accessible and easier to copy. You don’t want to be stuck with the awfulness of 50% failed foreigner and 50% 12 year old boy who can’t enunciate properly!!

4) CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON WISELY. I try to find characters that speak in a dramatic, whiny or childish way. This is so important! There’s literally no use copying Lan Wangji unless you want to be able to have that particular cadence and tone of voice you get reciting poetry. Childish/whiny/dramatic characters on the other hand stress some words very strongly, and rush others together - this is great for hearing what actual real speech sounds like. Whininess wins. In The Untamed, characters like Wei Wuxian (not yllz!wwx but just…regular wwx), 一问三不知 Nie Huaisang, Jin Ling, and Jingyi are all great. Also Jiggy, who is just very extra constantly and speaks much slower as well, which really helps. In SHL characters like Gu Xiang are good.

5) CHOOSE YOUR VOICE WISELY! If you are really aiming to copy them 100% (which you should try at least sometimes), you want somebody with your pitch range to sound normal. I have a sort of party trick in Chinese that because I’ve spent so much time listening to women in guzhuang dramas I can change my voice and sound like a) a scheming concubine with honeyed words, or b) the voice of the Beijing metro. My teacher found it hysterically funny. But it’s not my natural voice, and if I speak like that for too long it hurts. The women usually are too high for me, and the big burly manly men too low - so I’d recommend finding a man with a higher voice, or an older woman (like some of the female characters in Nirvana in Fire). Again, sorry that this is mostly the Untamed (I’m just most familiar with it) but the voice actors for Wei Wuxian and some of the juniors (+jiggy) has a higher voice. Likewise Chengling in Word of Honour.

On intonation in general:

- The thing is that whilst shadowing is useful it requires prior ability in a whole bunch of other skills that you can train - it relies on your ability to accurately mimic pitch, emotion and other contrasts. Training this in ANY language, including your native one, will help your ability to do this in Chinese - so I’d recommend spending a fair amount of time practicing shadowing (or speaking just after somebody whilst listening to a string of text, like monolingual simultaneous interpreting) in your native language too. Any training copying accents or mimicking other people is going to similarly help, regardless of the language.

So, with that in mind, further tips:

1) Hum / try to copy the intonation without any words. What this does is force you to pay attention to what the intonation actually is, versus what you may think it should be.

2) Don’t look at the text! Do! Not! Look! At! The! Text! If you look at the characters or pinyin you’re telling yourself ‘ok this is a third tone here’ etc, but you want to override the part of your brain that has gotten into bad habits and is supremely self-confident in how you’re pronouncing the third tone, and actually just go straight back to mimicking.

3) Don’t be afraid to do it with vocabulary that is way beyond your level. Actually, I find this can sometimes be helpful, because you don’t have a prior idea about how a particular tone pair should be useful - and you don’t know which tone you should be producing.

4) Learn vocabulary by ear - listen to a vocab podcast or even make one yourself (I often do this; I record my daily Anki and listen back to it through headphones copying throughout the day - if you’re not confident in your pronunciation you can get Google Translate to do it). Similarly, pick unknown vocabulary out of a longer segment and remember it, trying to internalise the tones instead of figuring out which tone it is.

5) Find emotional sentences, and copy them with emotion. This is SO CRUCIAL!!! We remember things when we relate to them, and when we imbue them with emotion - and it also helps in hearing exactly how an angry second tone sounds, for instance.

6) When you’re copying, look up, and imagine you are having an actual conversation. Carry yourself with conviction and poise!! Really try to whine like wwx or slime like jgy. After a couple of turns copying them, try to turn off the audio and keep delivering it in the same manner.

7) Swap individual words out. Once you have a line properly figured out, swap a word or two that has a different tone pair, and focus on delivering it with the same pattern of stress.

8) Finally, practice doing this in your native language too!! It’s a skill that we don’t use often, and it can be trained. Some people are terrible at it at first go even in their native language, but you can work on it!

About intonation in general:

1) I think a lot of pronunciation problems with people sounding unnatural or stiff ultimately come down to a fundamental misunderstanding of what intonation looks like across different languages. In English we mark it by pitch: and we are so used to the rhetoric that Chinese has ‘tone’ and not ‘intonation’ that we try and focus on blindly copying every single word textbook perfect without listening to how it actually sounds.

2) Chinese does have intonation!!! Except that, unlike English, when you stress a word, the pitch doesn’t change, but the tone contour is exaggerated - basically the only time you will ever hear a full third tone is in isolated or very exaggerated speech. If you have a Chinese friend, get them to record a sentence like the English ‘I didn’t ask her to steal his rucksack’, and put stress on the different elements of it - I didn’t ask, I didn’t ask, I didn’t ask, and so on. Notice and copy how the tones change. When shadowing, you should always be paying attention to where the stress is in the sentence: when you speak by yourself, practicing saying a sentence neutrally, and then with stress on one component, the next, and so on. If it feels unnatural, it’s because you might not have practicised like this before - it’ll get better!

Hope that’s somewhat helpful / interesting!

- 梅晨曦

#chinese #chinese langblr #langblr #chinese studyblr #studyblr #learn chinese #study chinese #chinese vocab #lingblr #askies

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tsukiihime · 4 years ago

Text

Heartbreak (Bakugou x Reader), (Shinsou x Reader) Part 2

The second part to the fic I wrote, this will probably be my last post for another week since I have school to catch up on. Enjoy!

Word Count: 3.4k

Warnings: Angst, a bit more fluff on Shinsou’s end, drinking

Taglist: @sugarandsoft

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

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It’s three in the morning, and Bakugou can’t sleep.

He’s beyond pissed at himself for staying up this late, but he can’t help it - he’s been in bed since nine and he can’t get you out of his mind. He hasn’t been able to stop thinking about you since you stormed out of the apartment. He regrets not chasing after you, he loathes himself for being such a dick and he hates himself for even letting his stupid agency dictate his personal life. He wants to tell you so bad that you’re wrong, that beating Deku doesn’t mean a damn thing to him if it means he has to lose you. He wants to hear your voice so bad it hurts. He knows you’ll be going to Shinsou - you always do when you have a bad fight. He knows you’ll be safe there, but he feels like such a fool. He let you walk out in the rain on your own. What a hero he turned out to be.

Bakugou spends the night alternating between flipping through the endless channels on the living room TV and staring at the ceiling. Every time he closes his eyes he sees your face - anger boiling your blood, disbelief painting your features as he fights with you, tears staining your cheeks. He feels sick to his stomach imagining you walking in the cold as you leave the apartment, sniffling as you make your way out in the rain. He wants to call you to explain himself.

But he doesn’t. His pride won’t let him.

It’s his pride that makes him trudge out to bars with Denki, Mina, and Sero the next day after you leave - he needs alcohol in his system to numb himself from the thought of you. Anyone will do if it warms his bed and makes your face disappear for even a second. God, he never thought he would be so hung up on you. He downs beer after beer, dances with woman after woman. Names and faces blur together as a cacophony of voices plays in his head.

He ends up taking someone home that night - he couldn’t remember her even if he tried. He takes her back to the apartment you shared and pushes her onto the bed you shared. He kisses her collarbone and up her neck, but he’s aiming for your favorite spots instead of hers. The image of you overlaps with her, and he sees your figure beneath him instead of some stranger. Maybe it’s the alcohol, maybe it’s his broken heart playing tricks on him.

He kisses her, imagining it’s your scent he’s breathing in rather than the vanilla and booze she smells of. He pictures your arms wrapping around his neck, your lips on his. She says his name, like honey on her lips, whispers it into his ear. And if he tries hard enough, he can twist her voice in his head to sound like you.

“Katsuki, I love you.” He hears it over and over, sees your smile and hears your laugh. “Katsuki, I love you.”

He makes her leave after that. She’s upset but he is too - an argument ensures and she storms out, leaving behind her underwear in her hurry to leave.

He doesn’t notice. He’s too busy thinking of you.

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It’s been three weeks since your breakup with Bakugou.

The news stations and gossip websites have been flooded with reports of Camie and Katsuki - neither have said anything about their relationship and the speculation of if they are or aren’t a couple is driving everyone wild. Thankfully, the people who were leaving awful comments have long since left you alone, prompting you to turn your Instagram to private and changing your username so they can’t find you easily.

You’ve been avoiding social media like the plague, ignoring all television interviews that involve either Bakugou or Camie - you’ve learned your lesson from the night of the Hero Rankings. But you’re only human after all, and the one time your curiosity got the better of you, you dove into the comments on a tabloid’s website to see what the public was saying.

It doesn’t escape your notice that the comments are much kinder - it ranges from well wishes to remarks about how they wish they could replace Bakugou or Camie in the relationship. No one mentions you, which you are grateful for. You know the media thrives off of drama and rumors, so you’re content to have been forgotten about in this narrative.

Shinsou’s been treating you like normal - another thing you’re grateful for. He is kind without being overbearing, and he gives you distance while also being there for you when you need it. You’ve migrated from sleeping on the couch to crashing in his bed, and more often than not you fall asleep to the smell of his body wash as you lay on his chest.

You wonder what Bakugou would say if he saw you. He knew how close you and Shinsou were and still are, but anyone could think that you and the purple haired man were lovers. Here you are, getting upset at your ex-boyfriend for having a woman over two days after the breakup, when you are falling asleep in the arms of another man - even if he is your best friend. You wonder if that makes you a hypocrite. Your emotions are in chaos, all jumbled and confused. You miss physical intimacy and a part of you wonders if you’re just using Shinsou as a replacement. “It’s better to sift through these feelings when I’m calmer”, you think to yourself, “I’ll come back to it when I’m in a better place.”

Otherwise, you’ve been steadily making your way back to a normal life - work, school, and your personal life all seem to be peaceful and you’re content in a way you hadn’t been for a long time with Bakugou. Of course, the wounds of the breakup are still healing, but you’re doing a lot better from three weeks ago, when you couldn’t even bring yourself to get out of bed. Shinsou has been making sure that you eat properly and that you take care of yourself. Now that you’re out of that post breakup funk, he notices that you’re cheerful and upbeat - a good sign that you’re slowly recovering from your heartbreak.

Today, you’re home alone while Shinsou patrols the city - he’s promised to pick up dinner on his way home so you don’t have to cook. He’s looking forward to tonight - you’ve finished all of your school work for the weekend and you’re off from work until Monday. He’s eager to come home to you, he’s turned down his coworkers invitations to drink so he can spend the weekend with you. He’s picked up food from your favorite Mexican restaurant, and he’s stopped at the grocery store to get your favorite flavor of ice cream - the one that’s almost always sold out.

He arrives home to see you lazing about the house - you’re laying on your back on the couch, holding your pastel Animal Crossing Edition Switch with a bag of chips resting on the table next to you. Your eyebrows are furrowed together as you focus on beating the shit out of a boss in Cuphead - a game you and Shinsou spent hours playing when it came out trying to pass the incredibly difficult levels. You’re wearing Shinsou’s favorite hoodie again - you might as well claim it as your own already you wear it so much - and your fuzzy cat print socks match with a fluffy cat ear headband that keeps your hair out of your face. Your face is recently washed and slightly pink, and he can smell your favorite coconut body wash from where he’s standing. He waits until you lose the stage (let's face it - there’s no way you’re beating that damn clown boss without his help) and he makes his way over to you, leaning over to look down at you as you exhale in annoyance at your loss.

“Hey there, I got dinner. Also nabbed some dessert for you - ready to watch nothing but ghost stories for the rest of the night?” You stretch out your arms and legs, groaning as you move to stand from the couch.

“Only if you promise to sleep next to me until I see sunlight again.” You hate ghost stories - you can handle scary movies about murderers and clowns but you don’t mess with ghosts. The only reason you’re watching tonight is because you know it’s Shinsou’s favorite and he always watches your nature documentaries even though you know deep down he probably doesn’t enjoy them as much as you do. You saunter over to the kitchen, and prop yourself on the counter facing Shinsou as you pull a taco to your mouth. “Ugh, even though the Exorcist was made like 50 years ago it still gives me the creeps. I can’t believe,” you take a moment to drink some water, “that you can watch her crawl backwards down the stairs and not piss your pants.” Shinsou lowly chuckles, giving a teasing smile as he unwraps his burrito.

“It’s ‘cause I’m not a chicken.” You roll your eyes and snort.

“Whatever Mindjack. Not everyone can be as fearless as you.” He smirks as you swing your legs, turning your full attention to the taco you have in front of you. “Hurry up and finish so we can do a facemask before our movie marathon. You didn’t forget about that did you?”

“‘Course not. You wouldn’t let me forget even if I tried, since you’re such a nagger.” You pout, hopping off the counter to wash your hands. Shinsou spends a bit too much time admiring how small you look wearing his hoodie - enveloped in something that belongs to him makes him swell with pride even if it’s wrong of him to think so. He wonders when he started to feel this way towards you, when his love changed from a close friend to an admirer. When he remembers his life, you are always there with him. By his side like a part of his body, always around when important events pass by, always by his side when the going gets tough. It’s not as if he’s always been pining for you - he’s brought other girlfriends around before even if the romance fizzles out before long - but recently he’s noticed you in a different light. Your bedhead and your sleeping face are just as cute to him as when you have your hair done and makeup on. Bringing other men over was never a problem, you’re his best friend and your happiness was always the first priority. But now, he finds himself annoyed at the mere mention of possible partners. You have no shortage of those - you’ve always been able to draw people to you as nerdy as you are - and the green vines of jealousy wrap around his heart every time someone gives you a gift on Valentine’s Day or someone asks you out for a coffee. You usually turn them down since you have so much to focus on, work and school makes you a busy woman after all. But he can’t help but be irritated at the stares you get in public sometimes - as beautiful as you are, you would think that you’d notice the way others look at you. He’s always loved you, but now he feels this once platonic love changing into pure romance, he aches for you like he’s never had before - longing for your touches, your hugs, your feather light kisses on his forehead when he’s having a tough day. The guilt he feels every time he holds you close like he did when you were kids, when you lay your head on his chest and he plays with your hair. To you, it’s still the action of a best friend, but to him it’s something he’d do for a lover. And yet, you’re oblivious, as dense as a rock but he loves that part too. How infuriatingly adorable you are sometimes.

“‘Toooooshi~”, You wave your hand in his face as he comes back to reality. You raise an eyebrow. “Are you okay?”

“Never better.” Your arms cross as you stare at him, suspicious that he’s hiding something from you.

“You ready? I got everything set up.” He nods, and you turn to walk towards his bedroom.

Shinsou’s room is quite neat, a black bed in the corner next to ceiling to floor windows that gives a pretty good view of the city. He scored a good location in spite of his modest salary - he’s in it for the heroism and the good deeds, not the money. He may not make as much as Bakugou, Todoroki, or Deku, but he does alright. His capture weapon and artificial vocal cords mask rest atop his bookshelf, populated with picture books of you and him in your younger days, as well as a Polaroid camera you left with him when he went off to U.A and you stayed in Saitama. Next to the parts of his Hero costume is a picture of you and him on a trip to the beach - one he treasures above all else. In it, he holds you bridal style as you both smile from ear to ear at the camera. You’re practically glowing, wearing a bright yellow bikini set with a see through beach coverup wrapped around your hips, sunglasses resting atop your head. Shinsou recalls how you nagged him to actually swim with you, and you pretty much forced him to wear those green swim shorts - this picture was before he decided to run with you in his arms to the water.

He sees your presence everywhere he looks in his room. After he reassured you that you weren’t a burden, you’ve basically turned his home into your home as well. The bottom half of his bookshelf is claimed as yours - it’s filled with your favorite stories, and your collection of Switch games is stacked next to the shelf neatly. Your laptop rests on his bed (you were no doubt doing homework before you got distracted and started playing Cuphead before he got home) with your Geology textbook open and notebooks filled with notes and highlighted phrases. Your clothes have been hung up in his closet, with your makeup and perfumes taking over three-fourths of his bathroom counter. If anyone else came to visit, they’d think you two were an item.

But alas, you two are not.

You push your schoolwork and computer aside to make room for you and Hitoshi, making your way towards the bathroom to grab a basket of skin care products and face masks. Shinsou knows how much you care about your skin - and by extension his skin - and he watches as you walk from here to there gathering what you need. You turn to him with a huge grin on your face as you hold up a matching cat headband in the color black, something you picked up from the store before you came home last week. He sighs, but turns around anyways to allow you to pull his lavender hair back into a loose ponytail and place the cat headband on his head before turning back to face you.

He looks so silly wearing it, but for you, he’ll do anything. You grab your phone and open the front camera, sticking your tongue out while grabbing Shinsou’s face, squishing his cheeks as he makes an annoyed face at the camera. After taking the photo, you upload it to your now private Instagram and send the picture to Shinsou who does the same. He’s always been a private man, so you don’t worry about the public getting a hold of the photos and trying to make a story out of your life like with Bakugou.

Tossing your phone aside, you motion for Hitoshi to turn towards you, propping yourself up on your knees in front of him as he sits cross legged. You giggle as he looks back at you, reaching to grab a jar of your favorite moisturizer and opening it. The smell is familiar to him - you always smell like it at night when you watch TV while sitting next to him in the living room. You start to apply the product to his face, careful to keep it out of his eyes and mouth. “You need to take better care of your skin ‘Toshi.”

“I know. I’ve been putting sunscreen on like you’ve asked.” He’s not lying, it’s become a part of his routine ever since you suggested it.

“Good. You better be taking the time to eat properly at work too. I know you’re sleeping normally again since I’ve been here, so I won’t lecture you on that.” You glance at his arms, covered in scattered scars from run ins with villains.

Most people look at heroes as an invincible force, unstoppable like All Might. Others may see Mindjack, but you just see Hitoshi Shinsou, your partner in crime.

“Thank you Hitoshi...for everything.” You blurt it out before you can stop yourself.

“I didn’t know this facemask meant so much to you.” You punch him in the shoulder as he laughs.

“‘Toshi, I’m serious. Look at all you’ve done for me. You let me crash here, listen to me complain, make sure I’m okay...without you, I probably would still be lying in bed all depressed.” You wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug. “I have to say it before I never get the chance to. You may be Mindjack, a hero, but you’re still Hitoshi to me. You do so much for me and you put your life on the line for others every day. I watch you and I’m proud of the boy who proved everyone wrong when they said you had a villain’s quirk. You being here for me after everything with Bakugou and always being there for me growing up makes me realize how much you mean to me. You’re my hero, ‘Toshi. But I need you to stay safe. Look at all your scars...” You pull back from the hug and grab his arms, running your fingers over his scarred skin. You’ve always known Shinsou’s job is dangerous - he’s a hero after all, he saves people. But he’s also your best friend. He’s a selfless man, a kind man.

You love Shinsou. You truly do, he is someone you can never lose. To lose him would be to lose a part of you.

He says nothing in response, so you continue. “Remember that time you fought that villain in the subway? All the news stations said that the tunnel was going to collapse and I just felt like my heart was going to burst. I saw you getting trapped and I felt like…”

You trail off, feeling the familiar sting of tears as you hold them back. Hitoshi gazes at you, lilac eyes boring into your own. “I felt like my whole world was ending. When you came out alright I thought I would faint. I was so scared ‘Toshi… scared you wouldn’t come back. I don’t want to lose you.” Shinsou grabs your cheeks, gently moving his hands so you face him. He wipes a tear from your eye.

“I’ll always come back to you.” You close your eyes, and press your forehead to his.

“You better. I’ll be waiting.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bakugou wants to be anywhere else but here.

He’s at Kirishima’s apartment - he’s been dragged out of his house by Mina and Kaminari for a night of drinking, with Sero and Jirou also coming along for the ride. The blonde would rather be in bed, wallowing in his misery, but his friends won’t let him stay inside. So he pouts in the corner, arms crossed and a permanent scowl painting his features. Kirishima gives him a knowing smile, and mouths “I’m sorry”. Bakugou clicks his tongue and looks away, grabbing his phone in order to distract himself from all the noise.

He would rather die than admit it, but he’s been looking for your Instagram ever since you left. You must’ve unfollowed him or even blocked him - he can’t find a trace of you anywhere. He hates this pathetic side of him, one that makes him seem like a stalker, but he has to know you’re okay. If his pride won’t let him call you, then he needs to know you’re okay.

To his surprise, you pop up on his feed. He immediately inspects the photo of you, and breathes a sigh of relief to see your face. Your tongue is sticking out all playful, beaming as you hold Hitoshi’s face for the photo. You’re wearing that cat headband you always use when washing your face, and he can tell you’re almost ready for bed. He smiles solemnly, vermilion eyes staring at you, so far away.

He notices you’re wearing one of Shinsou’s hoodies and his blood boils at the thought - he knows you are friends but he hates the idea of anyone else having you - although he shouldn’t be one to talk after bringing home that girl from the club. He hates himself for doing it. He stares at your face before standing, saying a curt “I’ll be back” before making his way to the balcony. His friend’s voices fade as he stands outside overlooking the city, and he makes sure the coast is clear before dialing your number.

Fuck his pride. He has to hear your voice.

#bnha x fem!reader #bnha x you #shinsou x reader #bakugou x reader #bnha angst #shinsou x you #bakugou x you #katsuki bakugo x y/n #hitoshi shinso x y/n #mha x reader #my writing

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jamespotterthefirst · 4 years ago

Text

Most Beautiful (Ethan x MC)

Book: Open Heart Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x f!MC (Dr. Lilac Allende) Word count: 600 Summary: Their first morning together. Set after the events of Ch. 15, Book 1 Warning: Alluded adult content

Prompt: #48. “You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” 50 Ways to Say “I Love You” prompts

Ethan tore his eyes away from his bedroom ceiling as she stirred next to him. Halfway between sleep and consciousness, she mumbled something against his chest and he grinned, grateful she was still half asleep and unable to see. Her warm hand settled on his chest, right above his beating heart. It was a wonder that its fierce rhythm, pounding against his skin like a drum, was not enough to jolt her awake.

It was the first time they awoke together, after a long night (and morning) of getting lost in one another. The blissful hours spent worshiping every inch of her body would remain embossed in his mind for the rest of his days, he was sure of it. Now, in the pale gray light of the dawn, the reality of their situation started to slowly settle into place like a thick, suffocating fog.

Despite how lost to the world they had been only hours prior, there would still be a trial. The fate of the career she had worked so hard to attain would be decided soon. And regardless of her loving reassurances, Ethan still felt responsible. If he hadn't failed her… If he hadn't fallen in love with her… None of this would have happened.

Yet, his stomach swooped when her bare body scooped closer to his, seeking the comfort that was hers and always would be. Feeling selfish, his eyes hungrily fell on her peaceful, sleeping face. He traced every detail from the graceful slope of her nose, to the rosy pout of her lips—lips that were currently curling into a sleepy smile.

“I can feel you staring, you know.” Her voice was thick with sleep.

Ethan laughed softly, unabashed at being caught. She opened her eyes to peer up at him, only to beam and join in on his amusement.

“Good morning,” she said, sitting up on the bed. Ethan missed the warmth of her body at once.

“Good morning,” he replied, still admiring how lovely she looked by morning light. This had become his favorite way of seeing her.

Lilac, on the other hand, must've guessed where his thoughts were because she blushed and jumped out of bed in a haste, pulling the sheets to cover her body. She stopped in front of the mirror mounted above his dresser and groaned when she took in her reflection.

“Oh God, I look like a mess.”

Her fingers moved to comb out the messy knots of her hair. It was a shame because it was the sexiest part about her current appearance. Ethan was behind her in seconds, his arms embracing her from behind, his fingers skimming the exposed skin of her thigh.

“Why didn't you tell me I looked like this?”

“Like what? Like you spent the whole night in my bed?”

Lilac had no reply. Probably because he was currently distracting her by kissing the column of her neck.

“Besides,” Ethan said in a low, husky murmur against her throat. “I was too distracted by what your mouth was doing the first time you woke me up.”

Now that he mentioned it, that occurrence was probably how her hair got into its current state. Ethan's fingers had gotten lost in the silky tendrils as she worked, slightly pulling when she had added her tongue to her movements. The mere memory had his body ready for her again.

In the reflection, Lilac looked hazed by his kisses but still unconvinced. His hands settled on her hips as he gently spun her around to face him.

“You,” he started, kissing her forehead, “are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

Her blush deepened as she searched his eyes. When she found only unshakeable honesty there, she smiled and kissed his cheek.

“You don't have to say that to get lucky,” she teased.

“That's not why I'm saying it. And I'm already lucky.” To prove it, he held her tighter.

It was her turn to kiss his neck. She made a deliberate movement to let the sheets covering her fall to the floor. “You're about to get luckier.”

****

50 Ways to Say “I Love You” prompts | Prompts Masterlist

A/N: Because in my vision, these two had multiple rounds that night (but more on that later).

This one was requested months ago. I wrote it then and never published it. I’m sorry whoever requested it. Sometimes anxiety and self-doubt are a bitch.

To be published soon:

Ethan babysitting (request)

Setting up Naveen (old request)

“Don’t move - I’ll get it for you” (request)

“You don’t have to pretend with me” (request)

WIP:

Admission (Pictagram ch 13)

By Morning Light (Part 3 of As Long as You Love Me So)

various 50 Ways to Say ILY requests

Untitled Ethan x MC sm*t

Perma Tags (All Works/Edits)

@openheart12, @takeharryandgo , @aestheticartsx, @rookie-ramsey , @utterlyinevitable, @doilooklikeiknow, @snesdudes, @paulfwesley, @nikki-2406, @mvalentine, @casey-v, @blossomanarchy, @rookieoh, @lucy-268, @maurine07, @bellcat2010 , @iemcpbchoices , @potionsprefect , @heauxplesslydevoted , @writinghereandthere , @schnitzelbutterfingers , @gryffindordaughterofathena , @lovingramsey , @dr-ramseys-rookie , @udishaman , @forallthatitsworth , @canigetanawwjunk, @thegreentwin , @blainehellyes , @parkerattano , @lady-calypso , @nazarihoe , @rookiemarsswiftie , @queencarb , @fayeswiftie , @trappedinfanfiction , @alina-yol-ramsey , @chasingrobbie , @ashiiknees , @professorkingslay , @whimsicallywayward15 , @mysticalgalaxysstuff , @red-rookie , @bluebellot , @ramseysrookiex , @i-bloody-love-drake-walker , @interobanginyourmom , @mercury84choices , @drariellevalentine , @caroldxnvxrs, @gardeningoumet , @enmchoices, @ethanrcmsey, @lilypills , @choices-lurker, @riyana , @mj-angels

Except Bryce x MC: @openheartthot , @casey-v , @binny1985 , @tsrookie, @perriewinklenerdie , @drakewalkerfantasy ,

@choicesfanaf (except Bryce x MC/ Blaine x MC)

Open Heart- Ethan x f!MC Only

@octobereighth, @helloblueeyedcat , @genevievemd , @stygianflood , @ohchoices, @choicesaddict5 , @aworldoffandoms, @mysticaurathings , @myusualnerdyself , @ruinedbypixels, @custaroonie, @caseyvalentineramsey, @jooous, @aarisa-frost, @sizzlinhcashherohumanoid , @oldminniemcg

Unsorted tags (Assumed Ethan x MC)

*Please message me if you want to be moved or removed <3

@kites-in-our-skies, @kingliam2019, @cinnamonspongecake, @ethxnrxmsey, @missmiimiie, @jens-diamondchoices,, @apphia12, @kalogh, @binny1985, @queenbirbs, @honeyandsunfl0wers, @newcolonies, @lilyvalentine, @rigatonireid, @nooruleman, @lonely-mxxnlight, @shadynaturehilariouscookie @togetherwearerapture, @rookiemarsswiftie, @hatescapsicum, @choices-lurker, @kiara-36, @junehiratas, @danijimenezv, @macy-ray85, @adrex04, @sanchita012, @overwhelminglyaquarius , @scorpiochick8, @skylarklyon, @starrystarrytrouble, @a-crepusculo, @quacksonlover , @ramseyandrys, @whatchique, @varikasnuori, @dimitriwife, @shanzay44, @fabi-en-ciel, @trebondialanna, @ashiiknees, @alookseeblog, @whimsicallywayward15

@emotionalswift2, @lion-ess24,

#open heart #ethan ramsey #ethan x mc #playchoices #My writing #request #choices fanfiction #ethan ramsey fanfiction #open heart fanfiction

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jademakean · 4 years ago

Text

Clouded Sea

JJ Maybank x Routledge!Reader

Warnings: Death, Thalassophobia.

Not edited

･*:༅｡.

It had been a while since your brother’s disappearance. You don't recollect how you reacted to the newfound information, in the beginning, your overwhelmed mind blocking out the details. What you do remember is how you spent days in your room mourning until you snapped out of your trance.

Just because they didn't find the boat doesn't mean they aren't alive.

It's John B, he knows how to get out of difficult situations.

He's okay

Of course, your slight change in attitude received attention from unwanted locals, you seemed more eager to leave the house, you didn't cry anytime you came back to the Routledge house, there weren't dark circles under your eyes anymore and it wasn't too long before they understood what you began speculating.

Delusion ran in the family

The pogues were the ones to understood your situation the quickest. On the rare location, John Bs name was mentioned, you spoke of him as though he were still alive. Barely phased by the fact that your brother wasn't around anymore. They also noticed how you'd run off right home to check the mail after hanging out with them.

At that point they began to pity you, believing that you were in denial and becoming obsessed-which you were- they discussed it amongst themselves trying to finds ways to bring you back to reality.

JJ was a different story, he became more distant and quiet. Mostly hanging at his house with his god-awful father. Doing his best at ignoring you because you'd just remind him of his second greatest loss.

As time went on you got some clarity on your surroundings. JJ behavior mostly.

You weren't sure how to approach him at first, he must be having his own battles that didn't need to be brought up, maybe he'd shut you out even more if you tried to ask him how he felt. So you decided to be casual.

You remembered how you had asked him to teach you how to surf before John Bs disappearance. You never learned how because of your fear of the ocean, and it had gotten worse due to this past event.

Sweat began to gather on your forehead due to the blazing sun up above. You readjusted you loose shirt, hiding your plain bathing suit. You knocked on the metal door, nervously waiting for who you were looking for and as you were about to knock a second time, a very tired JJ appeared with squinted eyes as the light hit his face.

The air left your lungs momentarily. You hadn't seen his face in a long while but he was here now, in front of you.

You snapped put of it when he whispered your name "What are you doing here?"

Taking a deep inhale, you smiled charmingly. “I came over to get you. You promised me you'd teach me how to surf last year, remember?” It was your fault for holding the plans back for so long, the thought of swimming above water clouded with sand was terrifying to you.

You walked past him, grabbing the beach towel on the floor and some sunscreen. “Right now?”

You answered with a smile “Of course! Better sooner than later. I'm tired of holding our plans off, we should just get it done and over with.”

“That's not what I mean.”

You stopped rummaging through the towels. It was easy to tell my the sound of his voice that he was still struggling immensely, it was also laced with confusion on how you aren't in the state of mind he is now.

“There are barely any waves today. I checked and there aren't many people either, it might be because it's a Wednesday.” You changed the attention the topic was directed to smoothly

“Y/n..”

You interrupted him by grabbing his hand, leading him to where his surfboard was abandoned for these past weeks. “Lets go, the sun is about to set.”

As you previously mentioned moments before, the sea was still. The sun warmed up everything beneath it, almost making you excited to get in the chill water.

Once you reached the shore line JJ began making little mountain of sand beside you “What are you doing?”

“You have to practice on sand before trying the real thing." He sighed.

“Actually-” you caught his eyes “-I was thinking that maybe you could help me get more comfortable with being in the water? I feel like that's the overall most basic step, you know?” You laughed lightly trying to cover up the anxiety spiralling in your head.

And thats what happened for the next few days. You started off small, allowing the water to reach your knees then moved on to mid thigh, and that alone lasted about 20 minutes. However, you didn't mind. You were able to talk to JJ more, which was hard.

It seemed like there was something on his mind that was one fake smile away from being revealed.

You both began meeting by the beach at 4:P.M, you'd stay for a few hours before he'd start help u balance yourself on the pile of sand with his surfboard.

It was all going well. You were always a quick learner when you got excited over something. JJ on the other hand seemed to become slightly closed off, like the only thing set on his mind was to teach you surf and nothing more. Limeted physical contact, no unessesary comments, no jokes.

Oh, how much you missed jokes. You hadn't heard one from him since your brother's disappearance. Your hopes of peeping one from him was slowly dimming away.

"Alrighty! I think I'm ready to sit on the board, maybe go farther out this time. A two in one." You smiled. While pulling down your shorts you decided to keep your shirt on. You excitedly took JJ's hand before guiding him to shore.

The water was cold, as usual, but you didn't feel as hesitant to enter it like before. It was an improvement that you were glad to notice.

Since you had a later shift at work it was already 7:50 P.M and the sun was starting to set, making the sky was a beautiful mixture of gold and blue.

You snapped out of your trance once you felt JJ's hands on your waist.

You were suddenly flustered by his action, and even though he was just helping you get on the board, he hadn't been very physical with you those past days. His a action was simply unexpected.

"Thank you." You said sitting up straight.

There was complete silence between the both of you. The only sounds heard was the waves clashing together gracefully, peoples distant voices and seagulls flying over their heads. This was the normal routine between the two of you, no talking, just the patiently waiting for your fear to disintegrate into ashes until you're able to swim without a care in the world, just like all the Pogues.

You missed them, truly.

There weren't anymore meatups at the Chateau or watching them surfing from your spot in the sand, sunbathing while drinking fresh juice.

"Do ya want to make plans with the gang? We could eat dinner at the diner, and maybe sleepover my hous-"

"What is wrong with you."

JJ interrupted you with a harsh tone, causing your smile to falter. "What do you mean?" You asked, calmly adjusting your body so you could sit with both of your legs on one side of the board.

"You know exactly what I mean." He looked into your eyes this time. And it's now that you have no choice but to look at his face that you notice the dark undereyes, dry lips and messy hair.

He wasn't taking proper care of himself, he probably couldn't if he tried. It was obvious your brother's disappearance took a toll on him. "How do you do that?"

"Do what?" You asked, slightly afraid of his answer.

"How are you so okay with everything. I remember when you were locked in your room for weeks on end, and one day you just- came out. I didn't even see you and from what I heard it seemed impossible to be true. But then you just showed up at my door with no warning, with this big smile on your face and- I don't understand. He's your brother." His tone became more exasperated as he let out all the words that had been running through his mind.

"JJ, I'm not gonna stay sad all summer just because John be isn't here. I'm sure he wants me to do what makes me happy and keep taking care of myself. Plus, he's-"

"Stop talking about him as if he's alive!" JJ interrupted once again "He's dead, don't you understand? He's not coming back, or gonna send you some letter. He's dead."

His harsh tone made you feel as though he was purposely trying to hurt you. The worst part is that that's not the case. He's trying to make you see what he sees. "He's not dead."

There was a slight pause, he looked at you as if you were crazy.

"He's not. There's no body, so until I see one he's not dead. He's smart. He's got Sarah, they got away from the police and are probably in some island enjoying themselves."

"You've gotten comeplety insane! Do you hear yourself? You sound exactly like him when your dad disappeared, and you know damn well how that went."

His hurtful words ignited anxiety within your heart, making it feel heavy and sensitive. You were starting to feel too much and you didn't know how to stop it.

"I know he's alive! You'll see. He's gonna send some sort of signal, ofcourse we couldn't just show up out of nowhere when the police is looking for him. Since when does a disappearance automatically mean they died?"

JJ's eyes darkened, he was done with this game. He had to witness JJ obsess over his dad's disappearance only for him to be hit with utter disappointmen, he wasn't gonna allow the same to happen to you. "Face it. Your brother's dead, there's nothing you can do to change that."

His words hit you like a wave, his harshness making the agonizing emotion worse than ever thought possible.

It was so hard to keep hoping. It was exhausting.

"I don't wanna be alone"

Your words came out quiet and shaky. Once JJ looked back at you he took notice of the fact that your eyes were casted down, glossy and relaxed to the point where it seemed as though there was no emotion behind them.

The thought of not being able to hug your brother again- not having anymore long converstation about your future or simply seeing him from afar as he tried to outsurf JJ- was a thought that you refused to accept. However, you had begun douphting yourself and JJ finally saw through that crack.

His tense shoulders dropped, guilt sinking in knowing you were hiding the way you truly felt deep down.

"He's not dead, okay?"

JJ gazed at your expression swallowing the shame building up your throat before nodding his head. “You're right, he's not dead.”

He slowly approached you and got between your legs, wrapping his arms around you. “He's not dead.” You collapsed against him, resting your cheek against his collarbone.

Teardrops fell onto his golden skin, the feeling resulted in a shiver, running through his body as he hugged you tighter.

John Bs disappearance was harsh on everyone who truly knew him, and some learned how to hide it better than others. All that everyone slowly began understanding is that you were all one family and should watch out for each other.

“Do you wanna go grab a bite?”

You could almost laugh at his poor attempt to be casual, but you settled with a smile, pulling away from him while wiping your own tears with your arm.

JJ ran his thumb underneath your eye before kissing your forehead. “Come on, we can listen to Bob Marley on the way there if you want.” He snickered as he guided your surfboard towards the beachfront. You sighed, liking the feeling of the water moving underneath you as he pulled you to shore, observing the fish beneath you.

The sun had already set and all that was leftover of the sky was a pinkish-blue.

You could finally feel the sand beneath your feet. You watched as JJ walked off, grabbing his bag and shirt.

“Here.” He tossed over his top and your flip-flops as he slid in his. “Arent, you gonna be cold?” You asked knowing the shit that laid in your hands was the only one he had.

“What, would you prefer to walk around in your soaking wet shirt? Because I think that'd do more damage to your health than me going shirtless.” He teased with a raised brow.

You paused for a second allowing the realization that you are in fact soaking wet to sink in “Yeah you're right. Suffer.” Your approving sentence got a laugh from him.

You gaped at him. This was the first time you heard him laugh ever since go started talking to him again.

A smile made its way to your lips “Alright, I'm ready.” You stated after pulling a new shirt over your body. “My tapes are in the outside pocket.”

He pulled out the Bob Marley cassette from the bag before sharing an earbud with you. You accepted, untying your dry hair and finally setting it free.

The walk was peaceful, a comfortable silence falling over the both of you. The smell of pinewood from the trees was calming as you walked past the forestry area of the island.

You and JJ would always use this path after a beach day with the pogues. You would separate yourselves from the group so you could discuss about his job, home life, aspirations. Those were all things he never felt very safe discussing about with anyone but you. John B knew, but they didn't have the sort of relationship where they could switch to sensitive topics easily.

JJ liked how listened. You didn't look at him while he talked about such things, knowing he would feel intimidated by your gaze. The way your body slightly turned to him to show that you were paying attention. Most of all how you communicated with him first. When discussing about his father, you would ask if he needed a listener, a solution, or comfort.

Most of the time he would ask for you to simply allow him to rant, however, there were many times where he would ask for you to comfort him, just so he could receive the soothing sensation of embracing you tightly.

During every hug you shared, we're mere seconds of pure relief, relief that there was someone out there who knows about every aspect of his life and is yet to view him as weak.

“I’m really glad you got me put of the house. I hadn't surfed ever since he disappeared.”

It was as if the path you were on gave him the courage to speak with confidence. “And I'm sorry I was so harsh on you. I didn't mean to. I've just been feeling so much and I got so frustrated when you didn't seem as miserable as I am, I should've never been so insensitive.”

You knew he had a hard time apologizing to people, it made him feel vulnerable and he wants to have the upper hand in every situation. He likes being in control to compensate for the how much of it he lacks at home.

You looked over at him before smiling. “I love you too, JJ.” You ruffled his hair playfully before hugging his side as you walked.

JJ returned your smile, grateful for the fact that you resorted to a light-hearted response instead of a heavy one.

Time passed quickly and before you knew if you had arrived at the Chateau. JJ took a deep breath, his nerves increasing. He hadn't seen any of them, just as he hadn't seen you during those long weeks. How would they react seeing him there, let alone seeing the both of you together with smiles on your faces.

You squeezed his hand gently. An encouraging gesture to give him some strength.

You led him inside, the yellowish lights contrasted the night sky beautifully and as you both sat around the wooden table, you removed the earbud from your ear, which prompted him to follow your actions.

“JJ?” You heard Kie from behind you. Once you turned to face her she looked as though a miracle just occurred before her eyes.

Before your brain could acknowledge she dropped her notepad and hugged you both with the strength of an amazonian. “I missed you guys.” she mumbled into your hair.

As you were about to respond you felt more weight on you “We missed you guys.”

You giggled, now aware that it was Pope who was crushing you.

It had been so long since you had all shared such a heartfelt embrace, and you weren't going to let each other go for a while. You were all family. No matter how far you are or how long you don't speak to each other. This is what a true family was, and soon enough you were all going to be together again, as one.

“We missed you too.”

#jj maybank x reader #jj #JJ maybank #jj obx #jj x y/n #jj imagine #jj maybank angst #obx #outer banks #jj maybank imagine #jj x reader

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iraprince · 4 years ago

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hello! do you have any advice for switching from traditional art to digital? (i recently ran out of supplies so im relegated to my computer lol) i hope youre having a good day!

i sure do!

first off i really recommend clip studio paint, but i also recommend u wait for it to go on sale. it goes 50% off a few times a year, so imo it’s worth waiting, but it also is usually on sale for only a few days so u have to stay on top of it. they usually announce on twitter etc. the tools don’t make the artist and obviously it doesn’t Really matter what program u end up settling on, i’ve just been really pleased with CSP and i wanted to recommend it

second: nothing that u can do with digital art programs/tools is cheating and it took me way too long to really internalize + understand that. copy-pasting stuff instead of redrawing it, using symmetry rulers, using transform/ctrl+T to stretch or squash slightly off anatomy instead of starting over -- when i was first getting into digital i A. didn’t know u could do this stuff and B. felt weirdly guilty doing it once i figured it out, as if i was a worse artist for using the tools that are literally built into the software or that it was lazy or dishonest to do so. that, it turns out, is bullshit. any drawing is just a constant series of decision-making and a lot of digital tools just help u make or retract or edit those decisions faster than traditional does. it’s not better or worse, it’s just different, and it’s worth ur time to figure out which of those differences are the most convenient and useful. this stuff exists for a reason! use it! save ur wrists and ur patience and ur time!

figure out file organization early, because it’s something u don’t have to deal with irt traditional art and so it probably won’t come naturally, but it also makes ur life harder to have a desktop swarming with wip files that are all titled “kjsrhrfgdhgj.psd” or whatever. some ppl sort into folders by date; for me it works better to sort by content (i.e. i have folders for tvrn stuff, patreon stuff, different fandoms, dnd/ttrpg stuff, “misc ocs” for characters i don’t draw much and “misc fandoms” for one-off fanart that doesn’t merit its own folder, etc etc; this is what makes it easiest for me to find stuff, but ur system might end up different.) i admittedly still name my files keysmashes if it’s personal stuff rather than work/commissions, but at least it’s all sorted into a category where i can quickly find it again anyway

also, u can hybridize traditional and digital! i frequently like my traditional pencil lines better than what i can do digitally, so i often scan them in, turn them into lineart, and color digitally (here’s a tutorial on how i prep that). but even if u don’t have a scanner, a carefully taken phone photo with high contrast can still be used the same way. i tend to lay my sketchbook flat on the floor in front of a window, squat down and hold my phone as level as i can while i’m taking the pic, and then i blast it in my phone’s built in gallery editor (highlights/shadows and contrast) before sending it to myself and doing the same thing w tone curve/levels in csp. it’s not perfect, but it’s presentable, and it can be a good way to ease urself in if ur feeling frustrated w the learning curve on digital draftsmanship.

oh, and this tip is really small but it’s ended up being rly helpful for me: resist the urge to zoom in way past 100% scale view just bc u can. if there are times where u absolutely need to, sure, whatever, but there’s no point in regularly tweaking tiny things pixel by pixel at 250% zoom bc nobody who looks at ur art is gonna see that and ur just bloating ur own time spent on things and creating unnecessary stress for urself!! if 100% zoom doesn’t give u the control u want, that may just mean u need to work larger to begin with.

set up a comfortable workspace with a Good chair. look up proper posture and try to stick to it. i know we’re all gay and it sucks to sit in a chair properly but otherwise ur gonna hurt urself. take even more frequent breaks than u do when drawing traditionally! screen bad!

also, if ur tablet has a way to calibrate pressure, try that out. a lot of them are set in a way where you have to press really hard to get full line width and over time it can really seriously strain ur wrist; u can’t manually set pressure in traditional tools (besides like. using softer lead i guess lmfao) but u can with tablet pens and u should try it, bc if u can use a lighter touch overall it really goes a long way towards preventing injury in the long term.

this is all the stuff that came to mind immediately; i’m sure there are tons of basics i haven’t covered, depending on how much of a transition this is for u, but there are a lot of tutorials out there written by ppl more patient and more educationally-oriented than myself so you’d be doing a better service to urself seeking those out than if i were to try to clumsily emulate them lol. good luck + have fun!

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duchesschameleon · 3 years ago

Text

what if - chapter 9

summary: a long lost letter leads to an adventure in Italy for three people who find love and healing along the way. a letters to juliet au

pairing: Aaron Hotchner x GN!Reader words: 3.9k a/n: the last chapter. thank you so much for your patience everyone, this has been a labor of love and just so much fun to write! thank you for sticking with me as I wrote and finished my first multi-chapter fic and thank you for reading it. the comments and excitement helped so much and all the cheerleading. a special thank you thank you thank you as always to @qvid-pro-qvo for being my beta and holding my hand so often throughout this series. I love you so much you wonderful human. so here it is!

what if masterlist

You land back in New York two days after leaving the Bartolini house. Pushing all thoughts of Aaron aside, you focus on finishing the story. When you aren’t writing or editing it, you talk to your old boss, Paul, about coming back to work. When you tell him you’re working on a story, a rough draft really, he asks to see a snippet of it. And when he reads the first few paragraphs, he’s hooked and offers you a job.

Settling back into the routine of work helps you forget about Aaron, put the whole thing behind you. You focus on writing new stories and finishing up the edits on Dave and Carolyn’s story. When you hit a point that feels good, you send it on to Paul before you second guess yourself.

If you hear Aaron’s voice calling you scared when you hesitate on hitting send, well no one has to know.

It takes a few weeks after that for Paul to call you into his office and discuss the piece. At this point, you’ve been back in New York for almost six weeks and while Aaron still worms his way into your thoughts, your heart no longer squeezes every time he does.

You sit in one of the chairs opposite Paul’s desk. He’s silent as he reads, focused on the paper in his hand. Your hands are fidgeting, picking at invisible pieces of lint. When he finishes he leans back in his chair and twists to look at you.

“So that’s it?” he asks, eyebrows raised.

“Do you not like the ending?” you ask slowly. Immediately, he’s shaking his head and placing the papers on his desk.

“No, the ending’s fine. I just want to know what happened to the people. Are they still together, and what about the friend, Aaron?” Paul asks. There’s a flash of heat in your chest at the mention of Aaron, but you ignore it.

“I don’t know,” you answer slowly, “I didn’t really keep in touch.” You shrug and look down at your lap. You don’t elaborate that it was your choice to not keep in touch, a choice made to protect your heart and feelings. Right now, you aren’t certain how smart a choice that was though.

Paul hums and looks back at the papers, a silence falling between you two.

“Do you have any advice?” you ask tentatively.

“I think you should buy stock in Al Italia,” Paul snorts, “because all the ladies are gonna be flocking to Verona after they read this.”

You blink your eyes, his words swirling through your head. “You’re going to publish it?”

“Yeah I’m gonna publish it, it��s a good story,” Paul says matter of factly. “Do you got anything else for me?”

“No, not at the moment,” you laugh out, “but I’m working on a few things. I’ll send them to you when they’re done.”

Paul nods, dismissing you back to your desk and working on the next piece. Your mind is reeling, overwhelmed by the fact that you’re going to be published. There’s an excitement bubbling in your chest and you’re bursting to tell someone the good news. You pick up the desk phone, fingers dialing the familiar number on autopilot. The phone is ringing when your brain catches up to your actions and you slam the phone back into the receiver, tears immediately welling in your eyes.

You’d dialed your partner’s work number. The partner who’s buried six feet under and isn’t here to share in these successes with you. Who will never know that you are going to be published, that you’re fulfilling your dream.

The realization that you don’t have someone to share this news with overwhelms you. You push your chair back and rush out of the office, needing fresh air and a walk to clear your head.

As you walk, couples pass you by. Young, old, all holding hands and bending their heads towards one another as they talk over the general noise of the city. Everywhere you look, you see couples smiling at each other, sharing news.

You’d had that once.

Looking around at the couples - the ones who have clearly grown old together, the ones who are just starting out on their journey, the ones who found each other later in life - you wonder if you’ll ever have it again. If you’ll ever have someone you want to share your news with, revel in successes together, hold you when things don’t go according to plan. A voice in the back of your head whispers Aaron.

You almost had it with Aaron.

He was so excited when you shared your writing with him, he wanted you to publish it. He’d been incredibly supportive and kind the entire time you spent with him. You remember the lightness you felt in his presence, how comfortable the two of you were.

And yet you’d run scared from it. You were too afraid that it was too soon, too soon to jump into something like this, to feel this way about someone. So you ran back to New York without a word.

In hindsight, it’s not the smartest decision you’ve ever made. Running away from your emotions, not saying a word to Aaron, leaving Italy alone, it’s left you with a hole in your heart. If possible, an even bigger one than what was there before. Your happy ending had been in reach and yet you’d left it behind.

As you walk back into work, you’re left with one stark realization - the only other person you can think to call with your good news is Aaron.

You love Aaron Hotchner. In fact, you’re in love with Aaron Hotchner and you want to call him and tell him that you finished the story, that you weren’t too chicken to show it to someone, and it’s going to be published.

But you can’t do it. You can’t bring yourself to call him, to admit that you were wrong to leave. So you just sigh and tuck into your work for the rest of the day.

A week after Paul agrees to publish your piece, the receptionist calls your name as you walk into the office, beckoning you over to her desk.

“I’ve got these messages for you,” she says handing you a piece of paper, “oh and this came too.” She hands you a white envelope and you turn it over, looking for the return address.

Siena, Italy. Dave and Carolyn.

You thank the receptionist and hurry to your desk, putting the envelope away for now. You focus on writing, looking over some edits for your finished piece, and push all thoughts of Dave and Carolyn aside. You don’t touch the envelope, don’t look at it, until it’s time for your lunch. You walk to the small park across from your office building and sit at a table, placing the letter and your lunch down.

You stare at them for a minute, trying to decide which to open first. Eventually, your curiosity wins out and you open the letter. There’s a piece of cardstock inside, written on with beautiful calligraphy, inviting you to Dave and Carolyn’s wedding. The letter must have taken some time to get to you, the wedding is this upcoming weekend. You push logistics to the back of your mind and look at what else is in the envelope.

It’s a folded piece of paper, old and stained. You recognize it from when you pulled it out of the wall in Verona. Dave’s letter to Juliet. You read it again, hearing Dave’s voice in your head. The longing, the uncertainty of if he was making the right choice comes through just like it had the first time you read it. You sigh and look up when you finish it, your eyes landing on an elderly couple walking hand in hand through the park.

It hits you all of a sudden, why Dave sent you his letter. You’re repeating history, leaving Italy without saying anything to Aaron and cutting off all contact. Dave has known the entire time that there was something more to your hard-won friendship with Aaron.

He knew you kissed Aaron that night. He told you as much when he saw you the next morning.

And now he wants to make sure it doesn’t take you 50 years to tell Aaron you love him, to get your own happily ever after. And for once, you’re going to listen.

You book your ticket when you get back to the office, tell Paul you’re going to be out of the country for the weekend, and then you walk out.

You haven’t been to the cemetery since the funeral, but you feel drawn to it. You don’t have anyone to actually talk to about your plans, but something about this feels right. So you walk the path to their grave and sit on the ground, silence and grief hanging over you for a moment before the story spills out. All of it.

When you finish, you feel lighter almost. It was good to talk about your plan out loud, even if the conversation was one-sided. That lightness gets you through your haphazard packing and airport security and then, you’re back in Italy, driving from Rome to Siena.

It’s different this time, in the driver’s seat, but you find the house pretty easily. Your suitcase is in the trunk and you have no idea where you’re staying tonight, but that’s a secondary worry to finding Aaron. You plan out what you want to tell him - that you were scared, uncertain, and you regret walking away. You want this with him, you love him.

Carolyn’s house comes into view and a smile tugs at the corner of your lips. You park the car out of the way and see the crowd of people near the small building that’s being used as the church for the wedding. Your eyes dart around the unfamiliar faces, looking for a certain pair of brown eyes.

Aaron sees you first and calls your name, surprise coloring his voice. “I, I didn’t know you were going to make it.”

“Yeah, I got the invitation earlier this week and just knew I had to come,” you say, smiling at him. His suit is a stark difference from the polos and t-shirts you were used to seeing him in, but he fills it out well.

“Where are your bags? Do you know where you’re staying?” he asks, catching your attention again.

You shake your head, “No not yet.”

Aaron’s brow furrows as he thinks for a minute. “Well, you’ll stay here then. Carolyn wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“And how is the great Carolyn?” you ask.

“Even better than advertised,” Aaron answers, shooting you a small smile. He opens his mouth to speak again but is interrupted by a blonde woman coming up behind him,

“Aaron, you have to get inside, it’s almost time,” she says, placing a hand on his arm.

He starts, checking his watch. “Oh, shoot yes. Okay,” he says, fumbling to check something in his pockets.

“Everything okay?” you ask and Aaron’s head shoots up, looking at you and then back at the blonde woman.

“Oh, yes,” he says and then straightens, placing an arm around the woman. He introduces her to you as Jess and then he’s saying your name but you can hardly hear him through the rushing sound in your ears.

Jess. His ex Jess. The one who broke up with him a year prior. You ran away, and Aaron ran back to Jess. You force a smile on your face, shaking her hand, trying to match her enthusiasm.

“Oh, Aaron’s told me so much about you!” she exclaims, smile blindingly bright. You nod and take a step back, looking around and trying to find some excuse. Jess turns back to Aaron and whispers something to him and then they’re both heading into the church. You take a steadying breath, willing the tears pricking at the corner of your eyes to not fall.

When you feel more steady, in control of your emotions, you walk into the church. You find the secretaries of Juliet quickly and greet them, happily accepting hugs and kisses on the cheek. When you look to the altar, you see Dave standing in front of the priest with Aaron behind him as his best man. Dave catches your eye and smiles at you, winking. You return his smile, though you know it doesn’t reach your eyes. Aaron’s looking at someone in the front row and you can see Jess’ hair, so you look away. No need to look in on their happy moment. You sigh and push your emotions down. It’s Dave and Carolyn’s day, you’re here for them.

Everyone shifts, looking at the back of the church and you see Carolyn walking up the steps, holding her son’s hand. Your smile grows wider as she walks down the aisle and finds you, reaching out to pat your hand.

It’s a simple ceremony, short and sweet. And then you’re in Carolyn’s backyard at a table with the secretaries. Everyone’s exchanging stories and drinking wine and soaking in the afternoon sun, the company, and the happiness of the day.

There’s a small band playing some music while you all eat and you look up to the head table to see Dave, Carolyn, Carolyn’s son, his wife, Aaron, Jess, and a young boy. Based on how he’s seated between Aaron and Jess and leans on Aaron, you assume that’s Jack. You smile, seeing how easily the three of them get along, like a proper little family. Jack is so comfortable with both of them and Aaron has his arm across both their chairs, his smile wider than you’ve ever seen it.

Your gaze gets pulled away from Aaron and Jess as Carolyn stands up and stops the music. Everyone’s conversations quiet as they shift in their seats, looking up at the head table.

“Mi famiglia, grazie a tutti per essere qui oggi,” she says, “thank you all for being here today, for all your love and support for my husband and I.” She smiles and raises a glass, an action mirrored by others, before sitting.

Dave stands up and clears his throat, taking a piece of paper from his jacket pocket. “Nearly fifty years ago, I left Carolyn and ended up in Verona, uncertain if I’d made the right choice. I wrote a letter to Juliet before I went back to the States.” He takes a deep breath, playing with the edges of the paper. “And two months ago, I got a response. If it’s alright,” he says, finding you in the crowd, “I would like to read that response now.” You nod at him and he gives you a smile, unfolding the letter. “Dear Dave, ‘what’ and ‘if’ are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don’t know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it’s never too late.”

Your mind wanders as Dave reads the rest of the letter. Just as you believed two months ago, “what if” is the scariest phrase in the world. And with Aaron sitting in your line of sight looking happy with Jess, it haunts you. It overwhelms you.

As Dave sits back down and kisses Carolyn, you stand and slip away from the reception. It’s too much to see Aaron with Jess, to see him happy with someone else.

You're gathering your belongings from where they’d been placed in an upstairs room when you hear your name. Aaron’s calling it out, and you walk to the balcony to find him. He’s on the ground, head whipping around. You walk towards the end of the balcony and lean on the railing, calling out to him.

“A balcony. Of course,” he laughs, looking up at you. “What are you doing up there?”

“I’m. Um. I’m gonna go.” Aaron frowns up at you and you take a steadying breath. “I thought I could do this, could be here, but it’s really painful.” You catch a glimpse of his frown deepening before you look up at the sky, trying to hold back tears and keep yourself together. “I realized when Dave sent me the invitation that, well, that I’d been lying to myself. I didn’t think it would happen so fast but,” you pause and take a breath, trying to make sense of the words jumbling around in your head, “Aaron, I love you.” Aaron’s face relaxes at your words, his eyebrows lifting and raising, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. You return the smile before sharply inhaling and continuing to speak, “And I guess I thought that there was a chance you feel the same but it’s obvious you don’t so, I’m just going to go. I have to leave.”

“Wait, what do you -”

“You should go back to Jess, be with her, Aaron,” you say, biting the inside of your cheek. “You two look happy together.”

Aaron’s eyebrows fly towards his hairline, eyes open wide. “Jess?” he asks. “Why would I want to go back to Jess? She’s Jack’s aunt, Haley’s sister!”

“You dated your dead wife’s sister?” you exclaim, a little shocked and horrified.

“What? Oh! God, no,” he says, running a hand through his hair. “No, there are two Jess’, there’s Haley’s sister Jess who’s helped me out with Jack ever since Haley died and there’s the Jess I dated last year who I’d completely forgotten about,” he explains, walking closer to the balcony. You duck your head, cheeks heating up with embarrassment. “More importantly, there’s only one of you.” He smiles at you, a true genuine one and it pulls another smile out of you. Aaron takes a step back and looks around fervently. After a minute you hear a small grumble as he takes off his suit jacket and starts climbing the vines snaking up the house.

“Aaron, what are you doing?”

“I told you before, I don’t mind a little dirty work to get what I want,” he says as he climbs the last bit of the vines, head now almost level with you. You let out a small laugh, remembering your conversation about Romeo and Juliet at that bar in Siena. “Now. I also told you that I believe in making your intentions clear and not leaving any room for error, right?” You nod, biting your lower lip. “I haven’t exactly done that so far, so to clear the air, the Jess who is here in Italy is Haley’s sister. I have not been nor have I ever wanted to be involved with her. She helps me look after Jack and is family. She’s basically my sister at this point. Okay?” You nod again, holding back a smile as Aaron focuses on holding himself up, arms clearly working hard. “Now, you live in New York City, a fine city -”

“Hey!”

“Just let me speak,” Aaron bites out, breath becoming more labored. “And I live in DC, with Jack. A three and a half hour train ride is a lot to ask whenever I want to see you, and I can’t uproot Jack at his age. So tell me what I can do to help you move to DC.”

“Aaron,” you whisper, “what are you saying?”

“I’m saying,” he says, arms starting to shake with exertion, “that I want this to work between us. Because the truth is, I am absolutely, truly, madly, in love with you.”

The tears spilling from your eyes are happy ones, a smile splitting your face as you look at Aaron. “You are?”

“I love you. And I’m gonna -”

Aaron’s cut off by a vine snapping, and his arms giving out. He shouts, falling to the ground and landing on his back. You hear his groan and spin around, running downstairs and outside, flinging yourself onto the grass beside him.

“Aaron! Aaron, are you okay?” you ask frantically, looking over him for any obvious injuries.

“I - I’m okay,” he coughs out. “Just winded.” He blinks a few times and you sit on your knees by him, hands hovering over him. “Did, did anyone see that?” You look around and see that Dave and Carolyn are walking towards the house but you bite your lip and look back towards Aaron, shaking your head to save his pride. “Good, good.” He closes his eyes again and lets out a groan.

“Are you sure you’re okay? Can you move?” you ask again.

Aaron opens his eyes and surges up, his hand cupping your cheek as he kisses you. “Does that answer your question?” he asks, leaning back slightly. You nod and move in to kiss him again. This kiss is urgent, Aaron immediately drawing his tongue across your lips, deepening the kiss. You open your mouth and kiss him hungrily, desperate to feel him close to you.

“Dad, Dad!” you hear and Aaron pulls back from you.

“Jack?” he asks. “Jack!” he says as the young boy in question crashes to the ground by Aaron.

“Why are you on the ground?” he asks, hands planted on Aaron’s chest.

“Well buddy,” Aaron says, sitting up a bit and moving Jack to sit by his side, “I fell. But I’m okay.” Jack nods and rests his head on his dad’s shoulder. You smile and shift to give them a little space. Aaron’s hand falls to yours, stopping you. He tugs on it a little and you settle next to Aaron, legs stretched out beside his. “Jack, there’s someone I want you to meet.” Jack looks up at you and then back towards his dad. Aaron introduces you, and you smile at Jack. He waves, a little shy. “This is my friend I was telling you about, the one who writes and who helped Uncle Dave and I find Carolyn,” Aaron explains.

Jack’s face lights up with a smile, excitement overtaking his whole face. “Did you finish the story? Can I read it? Dad said you’re a really good writer,” Jack reports rapidly.

You laugh and nod your head. “I did finish the story Jack, and you will be able to read it because it’s going to be published.” Aaron’s head whips up to yours and you nod, reassuring him it’s the truth. “But I might be able to get you an early copy if you want.”

“Oh, I think we’d all love early copies,” you hear Dave say. You look up to see him and Carolyn arm in arm. They both smile at you and your cheeks heat up again.

“I’ll make sure to get those for you.”

“Good, good. Now, how about we rejoin the party? I think we can pull an extra chair up to the head table,” Dave says. You nod and stand, reaching back to help Aaron up. “And we can probably get ice for your back, Aaron.”

Aaron huffs out a laugh and pats Dave on the shoulder. “So there were witnesses. Maybe I have to hand it to Romeo. Just talking saves you the embarrassment of falling from the balcony.”

You all laugh as you walk back towards the party, Aaron with one arm wrapped around you and the other on Jack’s shoulder. You lean against him, feeling a lightness in your chest and hope for the future once more.

taglist: @qvid-pro-qvo @averyhotchner @kelstark @hurricanejjareau @oreogutz @whentheautumnleavesfall (message me to be on future fic taglists, I will probably be writing more romcom aus and I have fic for a few other fandoms!)

#aaron hotchner #criminal minds #letters to juliet #aaron hotchner x reader #gender neutral reader #gn reader #letters to juliet au #my writing #fic stuff #what if tag #criminal minds fanfiction #aaron hotchner fanfiction

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