#i spent like 9 hours making these. i got lost in the sauce

[heuldoch7b]

🥰 hark! warhammies stamps upon ye!! i hope you enjoy, no worries about credit, do whatever you want with these!

more stamps here and here

[butmakeitgayblog]

So MBFW Clarke is the most obssessed after Lexa's tits, cause of course (please correct me if I'm wrong). Which of your Clarkes is the most obssessed after Lexa's ass?

Ok well see, it's not so much that Clarke is obsessed with Lexa's boobs specifically (I mean she is, but that's never been her #1 attraction), rather it's that they've become this fucking taboo.

Because she has seen Lexa's chest a million times throughout her life. Her and Lexa's boobs: very old, dear friends. Her and the girls have always been like this 🤞. At one point she used to fondle those things to her little bi-heart's content. She's spent many, many hours appreciating their supple but modest glory with her hands and, whew, very much with her mouth.

But that was before Lexa got the damn piercings.

Yes she's seen her naked approximately 1.2 million times over the last 9 years, but Clarke has not gotten to experience the full breast breadth of enjoying Lexa's chest since she got those attractive little suckers.

She has felt them pressed against her back while they sleep, she has felt them pressed against her own chest when they hug, she has even skimmed a fingertip or two around the edges under the duty of being a good friend checking the area out for infection (no really 👀). She has seen them in the flesh and in too-tight shirts and in the silhouette of every dress that fits like a second skin.

But she has never fully gotten to experience them 😩

Like what the fuck? What the fuck?! She has tasted every inch of Lexa's body, and that is not hyperbole, and yet this one (well two) goddamn thing just taunts her. And then she just gets lost in the gay sauce of wondering how different Lexa's nipples would feel against her lips, her tongue and teeth, with the piercings versus without. She knows Lexa's nipples have always been more sensitive than her own, so like... what would the piercings do for her now? Would she have to be more gentle? Or would it be rougher? Could she actually manage to make Lexa come just from playing with her nipples like they'd tried a few times before?

There's just so many questions and no goddamn answers because she's not allowed to find out.

So it's not an "obsession".

It's simply a point of pride.

And also scientific research.

It's a war on her dignity. Dammit.

[thefriendlypoet]

6/28/24

Therapist said I need to recall my happiness more than negativity.

Thanks to Inside out 2, like Riley, my imagination isn't being used for good. Not truly. I am angry that I have to work for my happiness. I'm angry that it felt like i found it, and then i ruined it. Can't change the past. But i can keep moving forward.

My unbending unyielding undying belief, that i lost sight of for a couple days, is that everything happening is a temporary feeling. It's a passing wave. It's transient. There's nothing to fear, even in the worst situations. Remembering that, this isn't permanent.

We'll keep working on analyzing ourself. But for now:

Week of 6/24-6/28

I had a serious talk with dad and it went surprisingly well without discomfort or issue. I had a delcious dinner with my madrina, my tia. Watching my cousin 11 yrs old play basketball was awesome. I connected with my padrino, gil. Got to see Erik at the end. Encourage him. Connected well and a lot with brenden. The mystery was solved that my mom took my hat. She got it back from brenden.

Monday was dance. I dont remember what i did form 4-6 but by the time i got ready for dance it was awesome. Danced well with nadia. Practiced with Latia. Did well during freestyle. Classes are were and always are great. Dance makes me happy. I need to practice more. I will.

Wednesday got confusing. I got to talk to Julian about death, conciousnesnsss, thoughts, existence. So we're going to have a sleepover and go to church together. Hopefully i go to church. I will. So Wednesday, I did the laundry. Showered, and spent time with Adrian. We ordered dinner. The chicken was delicious. Really fucking delicious the Grecian sauce. I love there fries. MY favorite in the city. And the fruit punch soda. Then, it was great being with Adrian. Seeing him interact with me. Play with me, seek ways to communicate to me, not just words. We watched AOT together. It was wholesome. and it was dope talking about the show since we know how it ends.

Thursday was disappointing. I wasphysically/mentally tired at the end of the work day. I slept for almost 3 hours in my car after work in the parking lot. I didnt go to the gym, which made me feel, which meant i had, failed. I was hurting, feeling that i cant control my mood, and as a result, i cant control my life, or reach my goals, and then felt eceedingly ordinary when ive been building confidence for weeks so hard that i could be someone. that i could achieve even 1 of my dreams. Failing to go to the gym made me feel like i cant achieve any f my dreams and i'll be down here with no potential.

But with an improved mood, thats not true. i have to understand that my mood will in large determine my thoughts. And they are not true. They are temporary.

I was not tired. I chose, 50/50 real close to a no, to go dance. And im glad i did because it was fun. The morning started with a headache i wasnt used to. I was upset. But by the grace of God, some propenal and gabapentin later, i do feel better. I actually feel kind. I feel oozing a flow stream of kindness, compassion, and desire to share good with others. to hug, and to express love. the day will end well. I promise. My 2010s music is fire by the way.

Development of Consciousness I changed my mind. I developed a model of reality that was soothing calming grounding and assuring. peace inducing. i was free. seeing things as they are. unbounded. free of chains, and see people, rather than reacting people. Undertsanding trhat all concioiusness is my thought judgment and experince. theres lomst glass betweeen us. and it was like being a kid. unhurt by the world. and with it, unambigious shifts have been occurring in the people around me, coinistently. matrix glitches. they'rehappening.

maybe i am changing the fields around me. i hope so. i want to leave this world for something better. though i dont know what better is. i will search for it. i'll know it when i find it. but this isnt so bad. its not so bad.

6/28/2024 9:49am CST Chicago, Illinois

[crying-in-a-stall]

Incorrect Sanders Sides

Virgil: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat? Roman: >:O language Patton: Yeah watch your fucking language Janus: OKAY WHO TAUGHT PATTON THE FUCK WORD? Roman: 'The fuck word'. Logan: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time Roman: Oh my god they censored it Remus: Say fuck, Logan. Virgil: Do it, Logan. Say fuck.

Virgil: Well, aren’t you all a rag-tag group of adventurers with unclear goals and good hearts! Oh, let me guess: you’re out to save the world! Roman: Well, actually, that sounds like a pretty fair assessment. Janus: More or less, I guess... Patton: That sounds awesome! Let’s do that! Remus: I’m new here, but I am open to the concept. Logan: I thought that’s what we were doing, guys, come on!

Roman: Hewwo. Patton: Hihiiiiii! Logan: Greetings, Humans. Janus: Three kinds of people. Virgil: I want pudding. Janus: Four kinds of people. Remus: WHAT’S UP FUCKERS? Janus: Five kinds of people.

Logan: Just be yourself. Virgil: 'Be myself'? Logan, I have one day to win Roman over. How long did it take before you guys started liking me? Patton: Couple weeks. Remus: Six months. Janus: Jury’s still out. Virgil: See, Logan? Virgil: 'Be myself'. What kind of garbage advice is that?

Virgil: Croissants; dropped Roman: Road; works ahead Remus: BBQ sauce; on my titties Patton: Shavacado; fre Janus: Miss Keisha; fuckin dead Logan: Logan, grumpy: I didn’t understand a single word of that and I hate every single one of you.

Patton: We need to distract these guys Remus: Leave it to me Remus: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss. Logan, Roman, and Janus: *Immediately begin arguing* Virgil, watching in horror: Oh this. I don’t like this. I don't like this at all.

Virgil: Rules are made to be broken. Logan: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken. Patton: Uh, piñatas. Remus: Glow sticks. Janus: Karate boards. Roman: Spaghetti when you have a small pot. Virgil: Rules. Logan: …

Logan: Dumbest scar stories, go! Roman: I burned my tongue once drinking tea. Patton: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and burned it. Remus: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade. Janus: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand and I got a really bad burn. Virgil: … Virgil: I have emotional scars.

Logan: Anyone d- Virgil: Depressed? Roman: Drained? Patton: Dumb? Remus: Disliked? Janus: Distrusted? Logan: -done with their work... what is wrong with you people …

Patton: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life Virgil: Self-esteem, haven't seen you in years! Janus: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this! Roman: I knew I lost that potential somewhere! Remus: My moral code, is that you? Logan: ... Patton: I was just gonna show you this cool trunk my mother left me but do you guys need a hug?

Janus: Nothing in life is free. Patton: Love is free! Roman: Adventure is free. Logan: Knowledge is free. Virgil and Remus at the same time: Everything is free if you take it without paying.

Patton: What does 'take out' mean? Logan: Food. Roman: Dating Virgil: Murder Remus: IT CAN MEAN ALL THREE IF YOU'RE NOT A COWARD.

Remus: I’ve done a lot of dumb stuff. Janus: I witnessed the dumb stuff. Virgil: I recorded the dumb stuff. Patton: I joined in on the dumb stuff. Logan: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!!!

Janus: What did you guys get in your yearbook? Roman: 'Prettiest Smile' Patton: 'Nicest Personality' Remus: 'Most likely to start a bar fight' Virgil: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'

Logan: There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do? Virgil: Have everyone stand. Patton: Bring three more chairs! Janus: The most important ones can sit down. Remus: Kill three.

Logan: Good morning. Patton: Good morning. Roman: Good morning. Thomas: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit. Virgil: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS

Patton: What if the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything? Remus: Pregnancy tests are Maybe Babies Janus: Socks are Feetie Heaties Virgil: Forks are Stabby Grabbies Remus: Defibrillators are Heartie Starties Virgil: Nightmares are Dreamy Screamies Janus: Stamps are Lickie Stickies Logan, annoyed: You are disappointments Roman: Why isn’t the statue smirking at me? Logan: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it. Patton: Three of us saw it, Logan. How do you explain that? Logan: *points at Janus* Sleep deprivation. *points at Virgil* Paranoia. *points at Remus* Delusional personality disorder. And you just believe everything, Patton.

Janus: Favorite horror movie? Remus: It Logan: Saw Roman: Annabelle Virgil: High School Musical. After watching it I spent all my middle school years terrified that the entire school would start singing something and I’d be the only one who didn’t know the lyrics

Virgil: We need more help. Maybe I should call my friends. Remus: ... Your what? Virgil: My friends. Janus: Are they saying “friends”? Remus: I think they're being sarcastic. Janus: No, no, no, this is delirium, they've cracked from being awake all night. Hey, Virgil! All of your friends are in this room. Virgil: I have other friends! You asked me to make new friends, I made new friends! It was a task. I complete tasks.

Patton, trying to convince Virgil to join the group: You know... I thought it'd be good to have someone come along who's really... strong! Roman: And grumpy! Logan: And oblivious to reality! Virgil: …

Roman: You lying, cheating, piece of shit! Virgil: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD Roman: I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING PATTON WITH ME Logan, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.

*Patton is cooking* Roman: Any chance that’s for me? Patton: It’s for Logan. I’m planning on making some bad choices tonight, and I need them on my side. Virgil: I never realized the forethought that went into being a disappointment.

Patton: Hey, is Roman sleeping or dead? Virgil: Hopefully dead, I hated their guts. Logan: Yeah, so did I. Roman: Okay first of all, fuck you-

Virgil: Is stabbing someone immoral? Janus: Not if they consent to it. Remus: Depends who you’re stabbing. Logan, who was dragged into the dark sides meeting: YES?!?

Janus: Self care is actually getting into fights with randoms in dark alleys. Patton: No, self care is stuff like taking a bubble bath, or putting on a lot of makeup if you like it, or taking a nice warm nap! Logan: Self-care is any necessary human regulatory function which is under individual control, deliberate and self-initiated. Janus: Self care is the burning heat when rage washes over you!! Virgil: Self care is when you feel the bones crack under your powerful fists!! Roman: Self care is the fear in your enemies’ eyes!!! Remus: Lmao self care is taking your birthday cake just so I can eat the frosting. Patton: If you touch my birthday cake I’ll make you eat your hands.

Roman: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of Nachos. Logan: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard. Virgil: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any Nachos? Patton: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.

Roman, banging on the door: Virgil! Open up! Virgil: Well, it all started when I was a kid... Logan: No, they meant- Patton: Let them finish.

Janus: Come on, I wasn’t that drunk last night. Virgil: You were flirting with Remus. Janus: So what? They're my partner. Remus: You asked me if I was single. Virgil: And then you cried when they said they weren't.

Store Worker: Would a ‘Janus’ please come to the front desk? Janus, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem? Store Worker: points to Remus and Virgil Store Worker: I believe they belong to you? Remus and Virgil, simultaneously: We got lost :( Janus: I didn’t even bring you guys here with me-

Janus, driving Remus and Virgil: So how was your day? Remus: We almost got surprise adopted! Janus: What? Virgil: We almost got kidnapped. Janus: Oh, okay. Janus: *slams on the breaks* WAIT WHAT?!

Janus: Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container. Remus: The cow??? Janus: What? Virgil: Remus, W H Y?

Roman: Virgil, my old arch enemy. Remus: ... I thought I was your arch enemy? Roman: I have a life outside of you, Remus.

Remus: How's the sexiest person here~? Janus: I don't know, how are they~? Remus, flustered: I- Virgil, from across the room: I'm doing great, thanks!

Patton: Are you the big spoon or the little spoon? Virgil: I'm a knife. Roman, from across the room: They're the little spoon.

Roman: So, what, now I’m just supposed to do anything that Logan does? I mean, what if they jumped off a cliff? Patton: If Logan were to jump off a cliff, they would’ve done their due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Logan jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff. Roman: You jump off a cliff! Patton: Gladly. Provided Logan did first.

Janus: I know you snuck out last night, Remus. Virgil: Play dumb! Remus: Who's Remus? Virgil: NOT THAT DUMB!!!

Roman: Fitness tip, never stop pushing yourself. Logan: Some say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Why not keep going? Virgil: Why not 9? Why not 10? ]Janus: Strive for greatness. Roman: Next time you’re working out do 15 push ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Patton, from the background: Eat a whole cake instead of just a slice. Remus from the background: Burn your ex’s house down. Roman: You can do it. I believe in you. Thomas: There were so many mixed messages in that I can’t-

Remus: I can’t believe you live nearby, and you won’t let anyone crash at your place. Virgil: You people already know too much about me. Janus: I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won’t let any of us crash at your place.

Virgil: Janus, can I talk to you for a second? Janus: Yeah, what’s up? Remus: Lemme guess. You and Roman are having problems and you want me to teach you how to kiss? Virgil: What? No, stop that. I know how to kiss. I’ve read books.

Remus: In my defense, I was left unsupervised. Janus: Wasn't Virgil with you? Virgil: In my defense, I was also left unsupervised.

Remus: Okay, help me please! Virgil: Got two words for you. Janus: I bet they won't be helpful. Virgil: Your problem. Janus: I was right

Virgil: So are we flirting right now? Roman: I AM LITERALLY STABBING YOU Virgil: That doesn’t answer my question

Patton: Where are you going? Remus: To get ice cream or commit a felony, I’ll decide on the way there Patton: Can you get me a strawberry cone? Janus: Can you kill Virgil? Virgil: Can you kill Roman? Roman: Can you kill Janus? Logan: Can you not commit a felony?

Logan: It’s dark in here Patton: Don’t worry fam, I got this Patton: *Stomps their feet* Patton: *Sketchers light up*

Logan: So what do you do? Janus: I work in genetic research, and I'm currently trying to eliminate all Cancers. Logan: Wow, impressive. Janus: Then I'll move on to Leos.

Remus: Don’t worry, I have a few knives up my sleeve. Roman: I think you mean cards. Remus, pulling knives out of their sleeves: No, I do not.

Virgil: We went through an entire character arc during quarantine Janus: We all became more evil if you’re curious Patton: We're still in quarantine, don't worry, there's time for a redemption arc still! Remus: I’m going to get worse on purpose

Patton: Am I in trouble? Logan: Take a guess. Patton: No? Logan: Take another guess.

Patton: Oh just so you know, it's very muggy outside Roman: *holding in a laugh* Logan: Patton, I swear, if I step outside and all of our mugs are on the front lawn... Virgil: *Sips coffee from bowl*

Virgil: You kill people for money?! Virgil: Can I pay you? Janus: Virgil no- Remus: And all this time I’ve been doing it for free like a chump!

Roman: What are your goals? Thomas as Patton: To pet all the dogs. Logan: No, fitness goals. Thomas as Patton: To be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs.

Patton: I've already sent good vibes your way… they’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them. Virgil: This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.

Virgil: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my paranoia. I'll wait. Patton’s Card: FAM - ILY Virgil, tearing up: Okay.

Logan: I actually have a black belt. Roman: In what, karate? Logan: No, from Gucci.

Remus: Am I going too far? Janus: No, no, no. You went too far about seven hours ago. Now you're going to prison.

Patton, motioning to a Halloween display: All these ghosts! All these ghosts! I still can’t find a boo. Logan: Babe, I’m right here.

Remus: You think I really give a fuck? I can’t even read.

Virgil: Okay okay stop asking me if I'm straight, gay, bi, whatever. I identify as a FUCKING THREAT. Roman, from across the room: You tell ‘em, babe!

Roman: You can de-escalate any situation by simply saying, 'Are we about to kiss?' Remus: Doesn't work for getting out of speeding tickets, by the way.

[marvels-writings]

Pasta and Surprises

Maria Hill Masterlist

Requested by Anons: 9 from things I’ve said prompt list with hill?? 

9: *saying something they are proud of*

“Not even an ‘I’m proud of you’ or a ‘nice job’?”

“You didn’t say either of those when I made you dinner without burning it.”

“You’d gotten take-out.”

“I still didn’t burn it while microwaving it.”

And

29 from things I’ve said list with Maria hill

29: “I have a crush apparently and it’s really confusing and I don’t like it.”

Word Count: 1,057 (fluffy)

A/N: I swear this is telepathy, I wanted to write for Maria yesterday then i got 2 maria hill requests

The background noise of the TV playing barely heard over your crush’s rambling about her most recent project as sunlight from the setting sun illuminated the room. It wasn’t like you didn’t want to listen to the brunette, you just didn’t understand what she was talking about.

Instead, you settled with watching her talk, watching the way her eyes lit up whenever she spoke about her favorite part about the project. Maria was never one to ramble uselessly in front of others, she was always to the point and strict. Not around you though, around you, the facade melted into the person you had fallen in love with.

“Not even an ‘I’m proud of you’ or a ‘nice job’?” Maria asked, tilting her head to the side once she was done rambling. You shrugged and rested your head on the back of the couch, smirking at her lazily.

“You didn’t say either of those when I made you dinner without burning it.” You commented, memories flashing through you.

It was common for you to try to make her eat or drag her out to restaurants when you knew she hadn’t eaten. Yesterday was different, she had spent months working on a project and she finally finished it. So, you decided she deserved a treat, originally, you’d planned to cook her something. But getting her favorite food seemed like a better idea.

“You’d gotten take-out,” Maria remarked, a small chuckle escaping her lips as she reached forwards to switch the TV off, interest lost. You shrugged and stretched, sitting on the couch for hours tended to make you feel decades older.

“I still didn’t burn it while microwaving it.” You quipped easily, trying in vain to defend yourself. Maria laughed and got off the couch, moving into the kitchen to make something.

The brunette wasn’t the greatest cook, but thanks to you, she had learned to at least make pasta. Which was what she had started making, the ingredients for carbonara were set out on the kitchen counter while you brought your speaker. Your favorite music started playing through the compound as you danced around while cooking with your crush.

Cooking was something you didn’t have time for often, you tended to cook with Maria more often than not. Sometimes, you even managed to fool yourself that it meant a little more than just friends helping each other cook. The trick didn’t last too long though, you always came back to reality soon enough.

Once the sauce was done and the pasta was set to boil, you propped yourself up on the counter and watched Maria monitor the noodles. Her blue eyes scanned the pot repeatedly, watching for any bubbles, it was a boring task but she was utterly concentrated. Despite your usual nature, you seemed quieter recently, the change was barely noticeable, you didn’t expect anyone to pick up on it.

“You’re quiet,” She remarked, stirring the noodles lightly. “What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing.” You replied, a little too quickly for your liking.

The brunette raised an eyebrow and turned away from the noodles to face you. Her raised eyebrow almost taunting you to try to keep your secret. The silence began to become overwhelming, you sighed and leaned back slightly.

“I have a crush apparently and it’s really confusing and I don’t like it.” You stated as if it was the simplest thing ever.

The way you said it almost made Maria not believe the words slipping from you. You had a crush, it couldn’t be here if you were telling her about it, at least that’s what she thought. Her silence caused you to tilt your head to the side.

“Oh,” She stated, turning back to the noodles.

Noticing they were done, she took them off the stove and drained them quickly before adding them to the sauce. Her normally steady hands shook as she did so, causing some of it to spill on the sides. Cursing quietly, she quickly grabbed a wipe to clean it.

“Now you’re unusually quiet.” You remarked slyly, masking your emotions the best you could while helping her clean up. Maria didn’t reply to that, the lack of a sarcastic response worrying you.

“Who is this ‘crush’?” She asked, trying to keep you from probing further. 

You bit your lip slightly, carefully wording your response in your head. Maria glanced at your lip, a light blush tinting her cheeks as she threw the paper towels in the trash.

“She’s the most wonderful person I’ve met,” You answered, a smug grin on your face. Maria didn’t notice the emotion behind it, instead choosing to direct her attention towards the pasta she was making. She knew you liked girls, but it still gave her a little hope that it might be her.

“Do you think she likes you back?” Maria asked, still focused on the sauce even though you sat on the counter right next to the stove. Your knee brushing her elbow lightly as you dangled your legs below you.

“I hope so,” You remarked, leaning forwards, courage and adrenaline clouding your better judgment. “Or else she would kill me for doing this.”

A frown ghosting her face, the brunette turned to ask you what you meant when your lips brushed hers. The soft-touch igniting a plethora of butterflies in her stomach as she jumped back in surprise. Terror replaced your once relaxed features as you leaned away.

“I think she’s going to kill me.” You remarked, sliding off the counter with the intent to run away.

It made sense a little too late for Maria, when she understood she was your crush, she grabbed your wrist before you could run away. You turned to face her sheepishly, biting your lip nervously. Maria’s eyes glanced towards your lips as she licked her own nervously.

“I think your crush would like to take you out,” Maria replied, a grin quickly covering her face. She watched your face light up in the brightest smile she has ever seen. There were no sarcastic responses as you threw your arms around her neck and hugged her tightly, kissing her cheek before moving towards the food.

Making pasta was something she made often with you, but it had never ended like this before. But Maria wouldn’t have it end any other way, especially not without you.

A/N: Tell me what you think!

Tag List: @capcarolsdanver​, @versdan​, @lesbian-girls-wayhaught​, @lovebotlarson​, @dhengkt​, @hstoria​, @natasha-danvers​, @veryfunnyal​, @xxxtwilightaxelxxx​ , @ophelias-heart​  , @never-didbefore​ , @justarandomhumanhere​, @the-most-unicorn-of-them-all , @thatssocamryn​ , @lesbian-x-blackwidow​ , @wlw-imaginesss​ , @hcartbyheart​​ , @summergeezburr​​ , @imnotasuperhero​   , @a-stressedstudent​ , @aaron-despair​ , @rooskaya-yelena​ , @thewitchandtheassassin​ , @wannabe-fic-reader​ , @izalesbean​, @higherfurther-romanova​   let me know if you’d like to be in any of my tag lists!

[3monthsineurope]

September 13, 2021

Monday was an earlier day. Haley and I got up around 7:30 and she did a little packing. We went over to Mom and Dad’s room around 8 and then all walked to breakfast. It was another hot day! For breakfast I had some French toast, cereal, and hash browns. Of course we all had coffee and water, and Mom had an omelette. We didn’t spend much time at breakfast, because we were getting picked up at 9 by Lomas Travel.

We went back to our rooms and finished packing and I washed my face. Haley and I both went without makeup, then brought all our stuff over to Mom and Dad’s. They filled up half of my medium Away suitcase, and we called it good. Haley found a frog in their bathroom, haha! We grabbed all our luggage and rolled down to the lobby. Mom and I checked out for our rooms, and they cut off our all inclusive bracelets off. Overall, I really liked the Allegro Cozumel! The service was amazing and the hospitality was unmatched. I would definitely stay there again.

Lomas Travel picked us up right at 9, and we headed into town. I had the great idea of parking Dad at Starbucks, with all of our bags, so we weren’t carrying around five roller bags. Dad was okay with the idea because his back was still not feeling great. Our driver dropped us off near the Starbucks and Haley treated us all to coffee, thanks sis! We met another guy from Lomas, who gave us our ferry tickets to Playa del Carmen. We left Dad with his paper and a magazine and all our bags, and the three of us set off to explore the town.

We saw a “Cozumel” sign and a tour guide took a really cool panoramic photo for us! We spent about an hour and a half walking around the shops. I got a visor to wear at the pool and Mom got some stuff for her friends. Haley got a little purse and we got a few things for Dad, too. It was really hot, so around 11:15 we went back to Starbucks to meet up with Dad. We all used the bathroom and Haley got a snack.

Next up, we rolled our luggage down the street to the ferry dock. This ferry was much busier than our first ferry, almost everyone had luggage! We waited in line for a while, then started boarding at noon. We dropped our luggage and got tags for them, then found a row to sit together inside. I blogged some, but it was a pretty short ride, about 40 minutes. The water was pretty choppy, though. We grabbed our luggage and tipped the guy who helped us once we docked at Playa del Carmen, then headed to our meeting point to meet with Lomas. Our guide helped us to the place our taxi was picking us up, to take us to the Krystal Grand Hotel in Cancun. We had to wait a few minutes, because our ferry actually arrived late, due to the choppy weather. Mom went into a convenience store and bought us some water and peanuts for a snack. After a bit, our new Lomas driver arrived.

This time we were traveling in style, we had a large SUV with “The Luxury Collection by Lomas Travel” on the side, which was pretty cool! I sat in the back with Mom, and blogged a bit. Dad enjoyed talking to the driver, who was really kind. I was starting to feel a little weird, so I stopped blogging and then we arrived at the Krystal Grand Hotel! Cancun definitely had a different feel than Cozumel did, we were in the touristy area with tons of hotels and restaurants. Our driver helped us with all our bags, then we headed to check into our rooms! Thankfully, I was feeling better after getting out of the car.

We checked in and found out that our rooms were separate (much to Dad’s dismay), but they were right next to each other! This hotel was a huge circle with a hollow inside. Mom and Dad’s room was ready, so we went up to the ninth floor. Their room was really nice! We hung out there, then Mom, Haley, and I went downstairs to see if our room was ready. We were met by a hotel employee named Arturo. He helped us cut the line and get our keys, which was really nice! Haley went up to our room to shower, while Mom and I talked with Arturo about some plans we would like to make. I really wanted to go to Chichen Itza, which is old Mayan ruins. He ended up giving us a speech about getting a “membership” to their VIP hotel, Altitude. Mom and I really weren’t interested in that, so we ended the conversation and headed upstairs.

I checked out our room, and Haley told me Dad was supposed to be in his room. I knocked for a bit and he wasn’t there! I got a little worried because of his hurt back, I didn’t want him to be laying on the floor in pain! Mom and I looked around the hotel and found him coming in from the pool, phew. Turns out he went for a swim and checked out the ocean. I’m just glad he was okay! We stopped at the cafe in the lobby and grabbed us all some bottled water and a few snacks to tie us over to dinner. The three of us went back to our rooms, and Haley and I put on a little make up. I booked dinner for us at the Asian restaurant, for a teppanyaki style dinner (also called hibachi, like when they cook in front of you at Benihana).

The four of us headed down to the pool for a few hours before dinner. Haley and I went to the swim up bar and we just lounged around the pool for a while. There were umbrellas and waiters getting everyone drinks and it was just really nice out. Mom left before us to go shower before dinner, then Haley, Dad, and I went up and changed before dinner.

We all headed to dinner and had such a fun night! We had a waiter who kept Haley and I’s wine glasses full, and a chef that really entertained us while cooking at our flat top table. First up we were served miso soup, then sushi. Both were super tasty! All the while, our chef was putting on a show, cooking up fried rice and then pork, beef, and chicken. He really chatted with Dad, and kind of flirted with Mom, making a heart out of fried rice for her, hahah. Next up was the meat, and all the food was so tasty! There were some sauces for us to try, and none of us could finish our whole meal. We had some ice cream for dessert, I had green tea which was really good! While at dinner, Dad went to the bathroom and Arturo found him! Oh no, he wanted to sign us up for the “membership”. He had waited for hours to find all of us. Dad told him we weren’t interested, but told him Mom and I would talk to him in the morning—ugh.

After dinner, we decided to walk around the touristy area, outside of the hotel. We ended up walking down the wrong street, but it was nice to walk around and see some of the other hotels. It was still really hot out! We decided that the next night, we would go down the other way, which seemed to be more touristy. After our walk, we went up to the rooms. Dad iced his back, while Mom, Haley, and I went to hang out. Haley and I got a few glasses of wine and the three of us hung out in a cool bar, looking outside. Someone was even teaching a dance class out there, at like 10pm! The three of us had some really funny conversations, then called it a night, around 11. We got all the way up to our room, when I realized that my key had slipped under the chairs we were sitting on! Woops! We went back to the bar and Haley had to crawl through the wall to get it for us, hahah! We all said goodnight and Haley and I watched some TV while we were falling asleep. Unfortunately, I realized that I had lost my small stuffed turtle, Flipper. Ingvar got him for me for our first anniversary, from Hawaii. I looked through all my things and realized I probably left him in the sheets at the Allegro, Cozumel. I was really sad, but I couldn’t do anything about it. Haley was really sweet and cuddled up to me since I was missing Flipper (and Ingvar, hahah). It was still a great great day in Cancun, though! :]

[im-immortal]

tagged by: @neversleepingever

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line. Then tag 10 of your favorite authors!

[ i’m gonna go strictly off AO3, based on last updated/completed, and stick to the twd tag, which means all bethyl ]

1) Let us always find each other - She ran. And ran and ran and ran. Possibly for miles.

2) Don’t Make Me Haunt You - Beth’s mother had always told her that she’d been a very chatty baby.

3) In Toto Corde - His kisses were like steel against her skin. Metal pressed to soft satin.

4) thirsty - Daryl couldn’t keep his hands off Beth.

5) lost in the sauce - Daryl spent over twelve deliciously forbidden hours with Beth.

6) Moonlight Sonata - Daryl Dixon was ten years old the first time his life got turned upside-down.

7) just a little crush (teenage hormones) - “Oh no—no no no, c’mon! Don’t do this to me!”

8) Most Wanted - It was the way he moved.

9) risk it all - It all started with a drunken message.

10) When The Clock Strikes 12 - Maggie’s New Year’s Eve party had been a tradition for the last five years.

11) picking @ scabs - It was those big, blue eyes.

12) The Crow’s Song - The funeral home became… blurry.

13) Crossing Galaxies - “Humans are just… so strange.”

14) Breathe. Please. - Daryl had always been a little paranoid.

15) Business and Pleasure - The beginning of summer arrived in Georgia alongside relentless rain and overcast days.

16) Yellow Bikini - The sun was shining. The humidity was high. Sweat clung to Beth Greene’s skin and slowly rolled down the nape of her neck.

17) Dirty Fingernails and Dried Blood - I don't know if this will make much sense anymore.

18) Blind Memories - It had been three weeks since she returned.

19) Bloodlust - His breath was hot in the darkness.

20) Carnival Games - "Beth, are you ready?!"

I guess the pattern I see is a lot of scene-setting. I try to open up with something intriguing, whether it be dialogue that’s about to be explained or just a description to get the setting clear in the reader’s head. I definitely focused more on outer things in my earlier stuff, and shifted to inner workings in my later stuff, as I can see here.

As for my favorite opening line... I guess I’d have to choose The Crow’s Song. Although it’s a close tie with Most Wanted and risk it all. I can’t explain why. Those are just my faves.

tagging: @courtneyshortney82 @hanorganaas @kit-kat21 @littlelindentree @galadrieljones @raginglittlehurricane

[musicanddancingthroughlife]

Shklance - Courting

I worked hard on this one, guys. Hope you like it; I think it’s one of my favorites :)

Pretty sure next week I will be posting an MCU story, because I have a finished one in my files and it’s midterm season so I’ve really not had a ton of brains left to write haha. I do still have one that I’m working on, and then I think I actually finally figured out what I want to continued my necromancer!Lance story, so hopefully I can work on that this week and have it ready to go soon. But really, this is me apologizing cause I’m really not sure how much new stuff I’ll get written, but midterms should end this week :)

--------------------------------------------

           Really, in hindsight, they supposed it was kind of obvious. All it took was a few study dates with Lance, the last of these ending with Lance realizing he was late for work and rushing out of their apartment, so distracted he didn’t even realize that he’d hugged Shiro (who had just returned from fetching him a glass of water) and kissed Keith on the cheek on his way out, leaving both of them standing there staring at him like idiots.

Shiro recovered first and glanced quickly at Keith to see if he’d noticed. He chuckled at the look on his boyfriend’s face. “You know you’re smitten, right?”

           “Oh ya, like you’re not?” Keith shot back. Shiro sighed.

           “I never said I wasn’t, Keith, would you relax? I was just making an observation.”            “Just making an observation, my ass,” Keith muttered mutinously. There was a pause, and then Keith relented. “What are we gonna do?”

           “We court him.”

           Despite the tension in the room, Keith found himself bursting into laughter at that. “Court him?” he sputtered, “What the hell century are you living in, Shiro?”

           “Oh shut up!” Shiro snapped, his cheeks and the bridge of his nose flushing a deep red. “He deserves to be treated well!”            “Well that, at least, I can agree with.” Keith finally managed to calm himself down, and then he moved toward Shiro. “What about us?”

           Shiro looked down at him blankly. “What about us? I know for a fact you don’t want to be wooed, and I don’t need to be courted, plus we’re already dating.”

           Keith stared at him. “But what if he—”

           “Keith,” Shiro broke in, now chuckling himself, “we’re courting him together, you got that, right? It’s both of us or neither of us, ya moron.”

           “…Oh. I didn’t… didn’t know that was a thing.”

           Shiro gave him a bright smile and pulled Keith into a hug. “That’s okay, but I think we’ve got something to teach you about polyamorous relationships before we even try to court Lance, don’t you think?”

           “Fine. But after that…”

           “Yeah. After that, we make our move on Lance. Promise.”

             It took some time, but soon enough Keith had been educated on the how’s of polyamorous relationships, and they had worked out a game plan to get Lance’s attention. It was a simple plan: Lance had mentioned wishing he had the time to relax that weekend. They knew he had several tests over the course of a few days, and that he had been working more hours than usual that month, in the hopes of saving enough money for tickets back home during their upcoming break. The problem was, Lance hadn’t had a chance to clean his apartment, and so was planning to use his weekend to catch up on those things. But Keith had pointed out how much Lance’s work seemed to be suffering during their study sessions, his normally correct work somehow coming out wrong 9 times out of 10, and his beautiful penmanship nothing more than chicken scratch. Shiro had responded by sharing that Lance had looked especially tired the last couple of days especially, his normally soft and shiny hair greasier than they’d ever seen, and dark shadows under his eyes.

           So that productive weekend he was expecting (but they knew he was also dreading)? Not happening. They would take care of it for him, and then make sure he got the relaxing weekend he was so desperately craving (even if he wouldn’t say that he was).

           Now, neither of them were entirely sure how they were going to get into Lance’s apartment, but Keith was confident he would be able to manage fairly easily.

           Unfortunately, Shiro was a jerk and also a fun-sucker, and he wouldn’t let Keith break into Lance’s apartment (even after promising that he “wouldn’t damage anything and would be super, super careful, c’mon, Shiroooo!”), so they wound up going to their local Lance expert.

           “Um, no offense, cause I love you guys and you’re both absolutely my friends, but like. Why do you need a key to Lance’s apartment?”

           It may have looked like Hunk was including both of them in his question, but Keith knew, okay he just knew that Hunk was eyeing him suspiciously. He huffed. He’d only dumped chocolate sauce on Lance the one time, and it had been a complete accident. It’s not like he spent all his free time trying to figure out how to make Lance’s life miserable! He was too busy dreaming of hugging him, and kissing him, and bringing him food and gifts… Oops. He’d zoned out again.

           “…trying to help him, I promise, Hunk. He just seems like he’s under a lot of stress, and we want to try and take care of some of it for him,” Shiro was saying.

           Hunk bit his lip, a flash of something in his eyes. Keith was curious, but before he could say anything, Hunk had set his jaw, determination in every single one of his features. “Don’t worry about a key, you guys will manage.”

           At that, Shiro and Keith exchanged confused looks, but before Shiro could ask, Hunk was already marching away. There was a moment of silence, and then…

           “Cool, I still get to break in!” Keith cheered.

           Shiro sighed.

           Okay, so yeah, Keith had figured breaking in would be easy… but not that easy.

           “What the hell?!” Keith stared at Shiro’s hand in shock, still resting on the knob of the completely unlocked door to Lance’s apartment. “What is he doing; that’s not safe at all!”

           Shiro was inspecting the door frame and the knob, and after some fiddling he said, “I think the lock is busted.”

           “…What?”

           “He didn’t do it on purpose, Keith,” Shiro said, moving further into the apartment and looking around curiously. His heart sunk as he took in their precious boy’s living space. “Damn he’s been struggling a lot more than he let on.”

           Keith followed, and he was sad to see that Shiro was right. The kitchen was bare, a small number of dishes stacked in the sink, and none remaining in the cupboards. Keith left Shiro inspecting the kitchen to go take a look at the bedrooms. In one, most of the walls and shelves were bare of any personalization, although there were some pictures of their friend group and some of Lance’s family and childhood friends slapped up haphazardly near the bed. The bed itself was perfectly made and even slightly dusty, as if Lance didn’t sleep there often. The other bedroom was even more empty than this one, and how long had Lance been without a roommate?

           Keith wandered back towards the kitchen. “Shiro… how many hours did Lance say he was working, again?”

           “…30…”

           “And how much do these apartments cost?”

           Shiro crossed his arms. “More than he’s making with just his shop at the coffee shop. Unless he has a roommate.”

           Keith gestured back down the hall at the bedrooms. “Well you can rule out the roommate.”

           “…well, shit. No wonder he’s so tired all the time.”

Keith huffed. “What are we gonna do, Shiro? We can’t let him keep doing this to himself!”

           Shiro’s face was twisted into a grimace, eyes lost in thought. Then he sighed, letting his arms fall to his sides, body loosening its tense stance. “Let’s just… Let’s do what we came to do, and we’ll talk to him when he comes home. Maybe call Hunk and talk to him first. But, I promise, Keith, we’ll figure out a way to help him. Maybe see if he wants to move in with us, since we’re off campus and have a little more room. We’ll figure it out.”

           Keith nodded, relief shining in his eyes as Shiro took charge, easily directing their cleaning efforts as they bounced ideas off of each other. Keith was a big fan of having Lance move in; all they would need was a bigger bed! Shiro had shook his head and laughed, a counteroffer at the ready.

           “Keith, we can’t rush this. Lance is a proud guy; he may not want to move in with us right off the bat.”

           “But—”

           “Oh, we’re definitely going to offer it to him. You and I usually share a room anyway, and he can have the second bedroom. But he might prefer to stay here and have some independence. Then maybe we could offer to help pay the second half of his rent. Or even just sneak some groceries into his apartment. Just keep an open mind, okay?”

           Keith was quiet for so long that Shiro was afraid he’d upset him somehow, so he abandoned his current task of organizing all the homework and textbooks that had been scattered around the floor of the living room area (glaring at the blanket and pillow on the couch, because he was pretty sure those meant that Lance had been sleeping on the couch more than his own bed and that was a horrible thought).

           “Keith?” he called.

           When he was met with more silence, his worry only grew, until he turned the tight corner and found Keith sitting on his butt in front of some cabinets. Keith looked up at him, tears in his eyes and all but wailed at Shiro, “He doesn’t even have any food in here!”

           Shiro closed his eyes and forced himself to take a deep breath.

           Yeah, they were going to be having words with their boy, this was just unacceptable.

[serrj215]

2nd Room

There was so much to do, too much to do. Raven was starting to regret refusing Bart's and Conner's offer of help. They would have been moved in less than 30 seconds. Of course it would take days to figure out where everything was, and if Bart’s room in the tower was any indication she would be finding her clothes in the dishwasher.

Moving is exhausting despite mystic talents or super powers. It was a mental drain trying to figure out where everything went, where it was supposed to go and what they were missing. Raven had spent half an hour trying to place a small protective statue of Athena. A house warming present from Donna Troy. It was a lovely piece but there was no obvious place to put it. It was the same story with an area rug given to them by Wally and Linda West. It was thick and well made, and it was obvious that Linda picked it out. It was still rolled up leaning against the statue of Athena.

It took Raven hours trying to get the kitchen in order. It didn’t help that her boyfriend's packing style was a little haphazard. She had found most of the utensils in a box labeled bathroom, and the mugs were hidden under Garfield's anime dolls, no sorry figurines he was sensitive about that sort of thing.

It also didn't help that their friend Victor had given them every kitchen gadget known to man as his housewarming gift. It was very sweet of him but Raven was not sure if she trusted herself to operate a microwave, let alone a blender with 26 different speed settings.

Garfield had been a whirl of green energy since she had said "Yes" and agreed to move in together. He had started packing before they even found the apartment. Then he insisted on loading and unloading the moving truck himself. Every time she got close to lifting a box no matter how small or light he was there. "I will get that for you Rave" She started to wonder if he suspected. Maybe he knew on some unconscious level.

Still even without the heavy lifting it had been an exhausting day and each room still had a small mountain of boxes. Where did either of them get so much stuff?

"VICTORY!" Garfield shouted

"And who have you defeated?" Raven shouted back though the apartment as she opened another box labeled kitchen to find two spatulas and a bunch of video game cartridges.

"Come to OUR bedroom and look!" Gar had been doing that all day. It was not the kitchen it was 'our kitchen', not the bathroom it was 'our bathroom'. You have never met someone so happy to be sharing a space.

Raven walked into the bedroom just in time to see her boyfriend flop onto the bare mattress of the newly assembled bed. Once settled on his back he lifted up a small brass L shaped tool and threw it across the room behind a mountain of boxes he had hoped never to see again. This was his 5th attempt to turn a box of wood and steel into a bed.

"I never thought I could hate a piece of metal so much. " he said breathing hard like he had just ran a mile full out.

"Well it's finished. Congratulations. " She said leaning over him.

"Not Yet!" He reached up and pulled her into the bed with him.

"What are you doing!"

"Testing phase, the most important part of the process." He said with a laugh as they tossed together for a moment settling with Raven lying on her side resting her head on Gar's shoulder.

"Satisfied?" She asked pushing her hair out of her face.

"Not even close." He said pulling her closer starting to kiss down her neck. The warmth from his lips flooded into her and started stirring something.

"Not now." she groaned out reluctantly pushing him back a bit. It was sometimes too easy to give in to him. Raven knew if she did they'd be spending the rest of the day “testing” their new bed instead of getting anything done. "We still have to finish unpacking."

He groaned and let his head fall back. "I know we still gotta get the living room setup, the Wifi, we got to find out if the neighborhood pizza place is any good."

She craned her head to look him in an eyebrow raised.

"What? A guy has to eat, and we haven't hit the grocery store yet all that’s in the fridge is water and empty ice cube trays".

She thought for a moment. “The Thai place up the street, it's menu has a big vegetarian section.”

Garfield ears perked a bit. “That does sound good” He sat up a bit in the bed. “I could go for noodles and peanut sauce”

“That and you eating a little less bread a grease might be an idea.”

“We have been moved in for 17 hours and you're trying to change me already?” he said with a laugh.

Ravens arm wrapped around his chest “I just want you around for a while, I promise Pizza is in our future just not tonight. “

"Speaking of the future, what do you want to do with that spare room?" He asked. "I mean we could just do a guest room but maybe a home gym would make more sense?"

"We do still have the Tower for that, I did have another idea."

“You're going to let me turn it into a man cave?” He said with too big a grin to be taken seriously.

“As much as it appeals to me to sequester you, your xBox, your plastic anime girlfriends and eventually Victor so the rest of the house is available for my own peace and quiet, no. “

Garfield tried to hold back a laugh. "How about Raven’s little library. Get some comfy chairs, floor to ceiling shelves for your books, a sign on the door that says SHHHH, the whole 9 yards. All the peace and quiet you could want."

"Tempting, but not what I had in mind.” She squeezed him a bit. He could live there just wrapped up in her.

“Raven, this is our place, You tell me what is going to make you happy, I am just so glad that you are here with me. “

"A nursery" she said quietly.

"You mean like plants?" His mind immediately jumped to an image of a room full of lush green and potted flowers.

"No Gar, there is something that I need to show you.” Raven said getting up. She straddled his waist”

“Oh I like where this is going”

Raven ignored the obvious innuendo and placed her hands on either side of his face. Her eyes closed “Azerath Metrion Zinthos” she chanted opening up a pathway between her and the man she loved. It was not the first time that Raven shared something like this with him. It was another way for her to be close to someone, and it was time to share a secret she had been keeping. Garfield got lost in the sensation and the rhythm of her words, his own lids fell.

Thoughts and images poured into Garfield mind. Playgrounds,joy, stuffed animals,excitement, names,trepidation flashed at random then he felt it. There was another presence, un-directed curious and simple. When Garfield focused his other senses came along. Raven’s familiar scent had changed, intensified in some ways softened in others. Her skin had taken on more color, he had written it off as some extra time in the sun but then he heard it. The gentle but regular thumping of a small heart.

His eyes shot open and his surprise the shock breaking the link. “Raven you're pregnant? I mean that's what I felt right! You...we... are going to-” his voice started shaking.

“Yes Gar.”

“We're going to have a baby?” he said just above a whisper.

“Yes Gar”

“I am going to be a dad?”

“That's generally how it works. “

Garfield was still as a statue for a moment. Then it happened. Raven didn't know what she felt more the tidal wave crash of emotion or the fierce hug wrapped around her. He buried his face in her neck.

"Baby!" He declared “Rave, I didn't think we could, I mean, I thought that this was impossible." His voice shook. “You are going to be a great mom!”

Raven’s arms came around him. “Thank Azar, I wasn’t sure how you would react.”

“I have never felt something so big in my life!. I want to tell everyone, I want to go out and get toys and diapers and you're going to, and things and that things and-” He was talking too fast and his mind was jumping to a dozen places at once.

“Slow down.” Raven said softly one of her hands slowly stroking the back of his head. She kissed his forehead.

He wiped his eyes with his hands, trying to steady himself. The last few minutes was like getting hit by cold lighting. He wanted to tell Vic, and Bart, and Conner, the justice league, he never met Darkside but if he did the first words out of his mouth would be “Me and Rae are having a baby!”

Then a horrible realization hit Garfield square in the face. “SHIT!”

“What’s wrong?”

“The kid is going to need a crib, and a changing table and a dresser, I am going to have to find that damn Allen key” Garfield said flopping back into the bed.

Raven gave a small laugh. “Yes our child will need those, later. Right now can we just enjoy the moment?”

“Your right, we need to celebrate.”

“Gar, the aprt-”

“Can wait!” He sat up taking both her hands. “The boxes are not going anywhere. Let me take you to dinner tonight. Then maybe we can open Dick’s housewarming gift.”

Raven was almost afraid to ask “What did Dick get us?”

Gar’s face broke into a smile a wild look in his eyes. “Satin bed sheets” he said before pouncing on her. The next thing she knew, Raven was on her back. His hands quickly ran under her shirt to do deliciously sinful things. His mouth biting that one spot on the base of her neck taking a sledgehammer to her self control.

“Gar” she moaned out. “What are”

“Trying for twins.” He said before capturing her mouth with his.

@westernfan1​ Requested this story and asked for it to be based on the Geoff Jones version of the characters. This was an interesting challenge for me since most of my stuff I write I base on the TTA universe borrowing from other cannons when I need to and where it doesn't conflict.  So I do hope you all enjoy it and please be forgiving if a few details are a little off. 

I would also would like to thank @loubuggins​ who gave me a dissertation worthy of university admission on this subject.  Thank you Lou in my mind you are the foremost expert on Jones version of Beast Boy and Raven.  

[quarantingz]

slow mornings, impermanence and turning 21

10 April 2020 9:32 am (but I started writing this 30 minutes prior)

I’m currently sitting out on the deck, listening to Leon Bridges and Khruangbin’s Midnight which has quickly become one of my favourite tunes for slow mornings like this. I made myself a flat white, without which any morning would feel not empty but lacking. Of energy and warmth. Cathy and I decided to deviate from our usual Karajoz beans and opted for a more economical 1kg bag of this Italian brand of coffee beans so we don’t have to keep going back to the supermarket which to be honest I didn’t even mind. The sole fact that it was an outside activity and I could be in the presence of and observe other human beings for an hour made it a nice pasttime.

I’m looking up at the sky, noticing the shade of blue change from minute to minute. It’s a lighter shade compared to how I saw it two minutes ago. Almost reminiscent of a classic light wash pair of Levi’s denim jeans. I’m staring specifically at this spot between two neighbouring trees where faint clouds have now come into view like smoke wafting from a chimney. I look to my right, eyes fixating on the rows of houses stacked on top of each other just beneath the horizon, framed by power lines that stretch from one end of this distant street to the other. Although from my vantage point it looks like I could walk over to the said street in less than five minutes if I jumped over the fences of the houses that block what would otherwise be a straight path, unguided by concrete roads.

Now Lovely Day by Bill Withers is playing from my Spotify playlist titled ‘21st at the park, eating Mediterranean food’ and I look up at the aforementioned spot in synchronisation with this bird landing on a lanky branch, perched there for a moment. Just as the song switched to Here Comes The Sun by The Beatles, it flies out of my view. A random thought comes to mind: how many times have I seen the same bird without knowing in my existence? Last year in September, we lost our cockatiel Coco who took flight when he saw his chance. Cathy had him on her shoulder when she sneezed and startled poor Coco and sent him flying over to the garage door which was open and out he went. Just like that. Never to be seen again. I was doing work in one of the studios at uni with my friends, WE533 I think that was, when Cathy delivered the heart-wrenching news to me via Instagram. I started crying, to everyone especially Cullen’s surprise. He thought it was the workload stress getting to me and in true Cullz fashion says, “Chill, we good.” I hadn’t cried in front of them before and I chose to do so over a bird. But Coco wasn’t just a bird, we had him for 4 years but I guess birds were meant to fly. Not domesticated and caged throughout their rather long lifespan. About 30 minutes after I let my guard down in front of them, Cat, Shannon and Cullen started dancing. Moving their feet to a non-existent beat in the middle of the room. I was laughing then. One of those sincere, loud chuckles where your mouth contorts into a grin so big your face hurts.

I needed to mourn over my loss even for just a moment, a step which I think we shouldn’t try and skip in times of grief. Whether it’s a breakup or realising you just poured down the pasta water you were supposed to save to help thicken the sauce for your pasta al limone down the drain. Coincidentally, In My Life by The Beatles started playing and it occurred to me how crazy it was that I pieced this birthday playlist together as if I knew I was going to be sitting here a day before turning 21, reflecting on my morning and now inevitably my life as a whole.

There are places I'll remember All my life, though some have changed Some forever, not for better Some have gone, and some remain All these places had their moments With lovers and friends, I still can recall Some are dead, and some are living In my life, I've loved them all

21 is a pivotal age in one’s life, or at least society made us believe that it is. I don’t know what else this year has in store for me but right now I’m more hopeful than ever. Three days ago I was wallowing internally over the fact that my initial birthday plans were all for naught as not even my parents are going to be here to celebrate it with me. But on the same day and in the same hour, I read this article on how companies like Dyson and Ford who don’t design or manufacture medical devices are having to respond to the increase in demand of mechanical ventilators by outputting their own versions. And just like that, my birth week didn’t seem to matter so much. I didn’t seem to matter. I am but a speck, a crumb (ha!) on this planet where countless of other (more important) events are all happening at the same time. This thought brings me comfort more than anything else. At this point I don’t even know where this entry is going as I haven’t attempted to write something ‘postable’ in a while. I guess what I’m trying to get at is that we or at least I need to stop living under societal as well as my own pressure. Since I was little, I’ve always carried this notion with me that I needed to always be striving to achieve something, whether that’s an A+ on a project or a perfectly browned crust on practically anything I bake. In response to Alyssa’s most recent blogpost (that’s right, we’re bloggers now!) why can’t we [I] just do things just cause? Or without there even being a cause. Just do. To be honest right now I’m rummaging through the drawers in my brain for more words to at least try and write an ending to this that makes sense. In doing so, I’m going against exactly what I just said before. Merde.

I guess it’s all human nature. Sometimes I feel too much, my cup filled to the brim and spilling out onto the surface in a messy puddle. Other times I feel nothing at all, staring at nothing and thinking about nothing in particular. Humans are ambivalent, I suppose. I felt alive, empowered and motivated yet light and calm when I first started writing this in my physical journal. Now I’m sitting typing away on my laptop two hours later wanting this entry to mean something. But maybe it doesn’t have to like Alyssa said. With or without readers I’ll just treat all of this as practice. Besides, what got me to put my thoughts into writing in the first place was this line in a book I should’ve taken my time with and not rushed to finish (again, pressure on myself):

“Writer’s block isn’t hard to cure. Just write. Write poorly. Continue to write poorly, in public, until you can write better [...] Do it every day. Every single day. Not a diary, not fiction but analysis. Clear, crisp, honest writing about what you see in the world. Or want to see. Or teach (in writing). If you know you have to write something every single day, even a paragraph, you will improve your writing. The resistance, of course, would rather have you write nothing, not speak in public, keep it under wraps [...] Write like you talk. Often.”

Except I actually don’t talk often which I realised a long time ago. I’m trying to now though as I get older. As cliche as it sounds, this year brought me new lessons as I encountered new people. From guys I’ve gone on a date with to the product development engineers who are also pro badminton players I met at work, they taught me that I need only to be myself around people. And I mean really unapologetically myself. Without comparing myself to anyone else which I spent a lot of time doing in my formative years. Instead of a photo, I’ve decided to share my birthday playlist and use it as the cover of this entry as it includes (almost) every song I’ve ever loved and abused by playing repeatedly throughout these years. So I guess I present to you: the soundtrack of my life. 🙃

Now to carry on with my day and make my own rendition of the Mediterranean food I was supposed to have with my friends and family tomorrow night for my birthday... 

- p

[snow-slayer]

A Bunch of Good Things from 2019

*I don’t do things consistently, so there’s chunks of time I just forgot to write. So the blank spaces are days where I could not recall the exact good things that happened.*

January 1: Started the year off right by hanging out with @nah-young, eating some delicious leftovers from New Year’s Eve and working on a puzzle. Also caught a shiny Delibird in Pokemon Go as the first catch of the year.  2: Had a headache at work, but went home to take care of myself. Dad and I talked for a long time about money and taxes without arguing. I have also discovered a future hobby I want to get into: 3D printing. 3: I cranked out four solid hours of studying. I’m going to ace the Auditing section of the CPA exam. I feel it in my bones (especially when I finally stood up and stretched). 4: My ‘other mom’ (one of my best friend’s mom) took me out for a belated Birthday lunch to our favorite Thai food place, and I enjoyed more mango sticky rice. It’s one of my new favorite desserts. 5: Did some epic New Year cleaning. Caught up on laundry, filed away my 2018 paperwork, and did some 2019 taxes. Finally on top of things! 6: A puzzle day! I connected a big piece of the sky to the side on the Lion King puzzle. I’ve still got a lot to go, but progress is being made. 7: As usual, I both surprised and pleased the teller at the bank when I moved some money from savings into my IRA. They wanted to know if it was for tax year 2018, but I could tell them last year was maxed out and it was for 2019. 8: Got to practice my training and supervising skills with @arrowhearts.  9: Spent the night at Lucy’s (she’s a cat). She’s the sweetest cat though, and was cuddling in my lap for so long! She even held my finger with her paw for like ten minutes. I love her. 10: It’s been forever, but I finally sat down and played some video games. I’m replaying Arkham Asylum again and really just exploring every nook and cranny I can find. 11: Might have started a new Francis story line ... Whoops :) 12: Helped Jane clear an apartment and acquired many new tools and art supplies to use. 13: Snow! It was snowing before bed, but I still woke up at 5 am to about 4 - 5 inches. Activated my dad gene and started shoveling at 5:30 am (sorry neighbors to the house I was dog sitting at). It’s so pretty out! 14: A quiet day, but I did some work for Jane and gamed some more. Can’t wait to start Arkham City when I get 100% on Arkham Asylum! 15: I took my coworker a basket of fun snacks from Lotte for her Birthday. She’s so excited to try them all! 16: Donated blood today and when I went to get dinner on the way home, I got a free salad! The entree was already free and I ordered a side salad. I pulled out my wallet to pay, but the coupon covered it, too!  17: Treated myself to breakfast on the way into preschool (my new volunteer place since the teacher I followed to several elementary schools is now at). Also ate some amazing home cooked food for lunch with @nah-young before going out for ice cream. 18: Did some very early spring cleaning to prep for my next yard sale and straighten up a bit. 19: Beat the storyline and finished gathering all of Riddler’s trophies in Arkham Asylum. I do still need to finish up the additional content for 100% completion. 20: Working with Jane to help clean out an apartment again and got stencils to use for my art (the ones with shapes of different sizes). I had wanted to get me a set, so I really lucked out. 21: Started reading a book for fun. Lol, I forgot that I can still read non-accounting things for fun. 22: Sent out 1099s at work. It’s always a dreaded part of the year, but it’s taken care of! 23: I started uploading my old Franmouche stories to AO3. I forgot that I’d written 185 pages of them. At least if someone else likes my rarepair, they have lots to read. No guarantees on the quality, but there is quantity. 24: Made fun penguin cutouts for the preschool class I volunteer at. Then studied for nine hours on campus. A busy, yet productive day. 25:  Finished watching all my lectures for the next portion of the CPA exam! So much auditing knowledge!!! 26: Panic alleviated. My check engine light had been on for a few days. Usually it’s just a gas cap issue so I was worried, but after readjusting the cap again (which usually fixes it) and an oil change, the light went out! 27: Played some Pokemon Go for four hours with @arrowhearts and Lyla. No Kyogre, but at least we each got a Groudon. Plus, the weather was beautiful for this time of year. 28: I found a dollar today while sweeping the parking lots with my dad! I’m gonna be riding this wave for a week. (Fun fact: my dad and I used to go bike riding on Sunday afternoons/evenings in the local parking garages and look for pennies. We’d always get bragging rights when we found a quarter or more. We still get excited and tell each other of the day’s finds when we find a few coins while we’re sweeping). 29: Had a bit of a headache, but managed to get through it so I could finish the workday. Then I get some well deserved rest. 30: Met up with @nah-young for some fries and ice cream! 31: My annual physical went well! Took care of a couple test we’ve been putting off, too, and they weren’t quite as bad as I thought they’d be.

February

1: I had such a productive day in the office, even for a Friday. Special thanks to @arrowhearts for helping me move all (24  years worth) of our files. 2: Started off the day a little rough and feeling low, but I decided to go up to campus, and I’m so glad I did. I was able to help a bunch of people get to their destination. Also hung out with @nah-young and @arrowhearts in a sketchy room. 3: Technically today (starting at 1 am). Had a great talk with @nah-young about a lot of things including our friendship. Successfully avoided the Super Bowl (which I heard sucked, so that was a good use of my time). 4: Had a really good conversation with my dad for almost an hour. We had some fights earlier in the year, but it was nice to be able to connect some. 5: It’ll be silly to look back on, but I thought I lost a reference letter for a scholarship applicant, but realized I could find it on our shared drive. Such a relief! 6: I tried Duck Donuts for the first time today. One of our board members brought me and a coworker a half dozen each. 7: Caught a Miltank in Pokemon Go! I thought I missed my chance, but there was a special running, so I got it. 8: Just heard we got a new boss at work, so it’ll be nice to be full staffed again. 9: Started working on a painting for @arrowhearts. It might be my first completed artwork of the year. 10: A lazy day, but I flipped through a book on home decorating. You know, to plan for my future house. 11: Officially started working for Jane’s business. We’ll see how it goes, but at least it’s an extra couple of hours per week. 12: Finished a dog sitting job, and I’m super thankful to be sleeping in my own bed again. 13: I gave Lucy, the sweetest cat ever, a piggyback ride and it was the cutest thing ever. I was on my knees and forearms trying to get Lucy to boop my nose when she just climbed on my back and sat down. I rose up on my knees and hands and she did the “i’m not so sure but I’m going to stay here” stand and let me crawl across the floor a while before finally jumping off. I love this cat. 14: Took the auditing section of the CPA exam. I feel much better about this one than I have about the other two. We’ll see on the 26th. 15: Such a busy day at the office! It was productive, but just a lot of work. 16: Even though I just too the other exam, I managed to get a lot of studying done. 17: Mamaw and I got to chat and work on the puzzle for a while. It was nice to hang out with her since I haven’t done son in quite a while. 18: We had some really good food at our investment club meeting today. Sheppard’s pie (like meat and mashed potatoes), salad, this great cracker dip (I have no other details other than feels like sharp cheddar finally shredded with a hint of spice in some sort of sauce). 19: Our new executive director started today. I think I made a pretty good first impression! 20: Started playing Arkham City again. We had a snow day and even my office closed, so I made the most of my day. 21: Lol and today I finished the main storyline of Arkham City. Accidentally, because I was doing side quests, but Batman got mad when I tried to go finish some before the last mission. 24: I am obsessed with Excel, but I figured out a formula so that it would total certain categories even if they weren’t in order. Plus I learned how to make a drop down menu (on two versions of Excel). Guess who’s budget looks beautiful! 25: I caught a Latias in Pokemon Go. Not having much luck with the water legendaries. I wonder if they don’t like me because we picked the grass starter. 26: I passed the Auditing section! (and instead of keeping it quiet, I made a point to tell some people). Then @nah-young and I went to dinner to celebrate our successes of the day and just have a nice chat. 27: Good news: I starved off a migraine that was starting on Feb 26. Maybe this new method will help them from getting bad. Just took an Aleve with some hot tea. 28: Went on a Pokemon run, and I found $20 blowing across the yard when I got home! A nice find for the year.

March 1: I’ve been really getting into “Ghost Story” by Peter Straub and had so much time to just sit and read while it rained. 2: I watched “Spiderman: Enter the Spiderverse” today. An epic movie and I highly recommend it! I also have several new costume ideas... 3: Officially started working on my Library Comic Con cosplay. There’s not much to show, but it was nice to start costuming again. 4: Hiked up to the nearby bubble tea. It was good! I got a mango green tea creama. Next time I know I have to mix it up before I start drinking it. 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: Started replaying Castlevania IV. It’s been a while since I beat it, so hopefully I can still finish it! 11: I have proven myself an Excel deity. Well, at least Jane thinks though. She needed a spreadsheet for something and had some ideas so I whipped it out in five minutes flat with a bunch of formulas she didn’t even know were possible. I’m quite proud of it. 12: Lol, speaking of excel, I was geeking out over my budget with one of our board members. She was showing me how she built her itinerary in excel for her next trip and I got to show off my budget. 13: 14: 15: It was fake St. Patrick’s day at work, so I got to show off my green Riddler suit. Apart from being mistaken as dressing like a leprechaun a few times, I received a bunch of compliments on it. I’ve gotten a lot of use out of that suit jacket. 16: Tagged along with @nah-young to her grandfather’s birthday party and watched Bohemian Rhapsody. Apart from the timeline inaccuracies, I really enjoyed it! Look at that: two new movies in one month. 17: First big leaf job of the season. I guess the first major landscaping job. Dad helped out, so it made life easier. 18: Investment club meeting went well, and I ended up staying late to chat and help clean up, but it was enjoyable. Also had some great tiramisu from Trader Joe’s. 19: 20: 21: It was a downpour today, but I also made a 20 minute Costco run. Parking was great, the lines were short, and I managed to balance everything without a cart. Success! 22: Finally got around to doing invoices. It’s such a weight off my chest to take care of them. 23: I had the house to myself, so got ample studying done, played some pokemon, and treated myself to some bubble tea. Got myself a bunch of good pokes from Community day. 24: Another lovely day to sit and hang out with @nah-young. I always enjoy our hour long conversations just sitting in my car in her driveway. I also finished the lectures for the BEC portion of the CPA exam. 25: I found a gift card loaded with $30 today. It had been thrown into the dumpster, so a little gross, but it washed off nicely. 26: Ran up to the local library to turn in my books (look @arrowhearts, I did it the day before they were due and didn’t have to make a midnight run). I wasn’t going to check out more books since I already had some checked out from another library visit (I go to many branches due to my job and often check out a book or two, resulting in cycles of books due at different times), but I did anyway. I started reading Area X, too, and so far, I’m really enjoying it. 27: Our family’s accountants think I’m a bit weird because I was so excited to get my tax papers back even though I owed money. I was just like “cool!” to all the facts and things on my sheets, which is apparently not what they’re used to, but one of the new tax laws works in my favor as small business income is taxed at a lower rate or something. 28:  29: 30: I love Annihilation in the Area X series! I haven’t plowed through a book that fast in years. 31: I was catching up on my business spreadsheets and it turns out I had the most profitable March since I started my business :)

April 1: No April Fools jokes, which is always a huge plus. 2: 3: 4: Took the BEC section of the exam and then clocked in a bunch of hours for the Foundation. Jubilee is almost here!!! 5: 6: The Jubilee is over!!! What a relief! A lot of things went well, and I heard it was a lot of people’s favorite. Not sure what actually happened because I was stationed at check in/out all night, but hopefully the silent auction results are good. Huge shout out to @arrowhearts and @nah-young for getting me through the night! 7:A quiet morning of returning the Jubilee to the Foundation. Plus some other landscaping. 8: I know everyone at work is saying I should take time off, and I didn’t, but I’m actually feeling blessed that I have the physical and mental stamina to keep working on things. Plus, I need to catch up with post Jubilee stuff. 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19:  Got to talking with my art dealer for a long while and we exchanged headcannons and ideas. 20: Had a nice Pokemon run with @arrowhearts‘ dog. Plus, enough work to keep me out of trouble X) 21: A very busy Easter. I moved a huge mound of mulch. It was half the size of my car. Hopefully the home owner will like it. 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: 31: I’ve been feeling behind, but I finally knocked out a really important thing at work today. Got our annual applications in!

May 1: 2: 3: My gauntlets for my comic con costume look so cool! They’re a little stabby (there’s staples on the inside, although I should be able to tape it down for safety), but overall look cool for a first draft. 4: A long day, but I feel like I was really able to help my friend and her family, which is nice considering how much they do for me. 5: The event that happened wasn’t good, but I’ve been humbled as to how well our house was kept and motivated to try and become more organized. 6:  Dad and I were chatting today, and we could even touch on topics in a civil manner. It was quite nice!  7: Just found out I passed the BEC section of the CPA exam! I’m 75% CPA!!! And no cavities were found after my dentist appointment :) 8: Frantically working on my costume, but my head piece looks really good! 9: Mom even chipped in to help. We rigged up a steampunk mask I have (which doesn’t fit on my head right) so that I can actually wear it. 10: I’ve been fasting for Ramadan and I think my body and I are finally on the same page. It was a rough start this year, but I’m looking forward to focusing on being thankful for what I have and working on self discipline. 11: Library Comic Con! My costume is a bit rough, so no final pictures, but I have plans to make it better! 12: It was a busy Sunday. Lots of lawns, but thankfully the weather was cool. 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: Had a nice meeting with my boss. I keep feeling like I’m not on top of things or she’s disappointed, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Plus, she said I did great at the finance committee meeting, so that was nice. 18: Although I scared everyone I worked with all day, I was able to donate blood even though I had been fasting.  19: I saw the tiniest inch worm while I was pulling weeds today. It was more like a quarter inch worm and it was just trying so hard to climb up my arm when I found it. I also saw the first lightening bugs of the year. As a bug type Pokemon trainer, I’m quite pleased with all of this (less so with the mosquitoes though, as I got my first bite of the season). 20: I have found a nice way to keep cool at the property Dad and I work at. I’m allowed to douse my head, neck, and hat with the hose, and man does it feel good! 21: I received many compliments at the executive committee meeting for all my hard work on the budget, the Jubilee, and finance committee. 22: Caught up on reconciliations at work (finally). It’s been just a nightmare, but I’m happy they’re done. 23: Another me day. I’ve been taking Thursdays off and got to game for a bit but also accomplish a lot of laundry and studying. 24: Had a good meeting at work to discuss the future of the nonprofit I work at. Plus I finally made a phone call I didn’t want to make. 25: Went to a foam helmet making class with a coworker. I’m super excited to start trying out this style, and I think the sample we made in class can easily be used to make a helmet for Vile. Might have purchased a few things to go with it :) 26: Found a new drink that I love from Kung Fu Tea! Also got to rewatch Coco, which is always good. 27: Part of my afternoon spent working with Jane was changing her screen saver. It was set up for one photo of pictures, but some were so fuzzy, so we set up new pictures and I got to add my fuzzball to the reel. 28: I visited one of Jane’s friends to discuss dog sitting and we had such a nice conversation afterwards. 29: I found a four leave clover today while mowing lawns. It’s been years since I’ve found one, so that was exciting. 30: I plowed through about 6 hours of studying for the FAR portion of the CPA exam. Only two more lectures and then onto multiple choice! 31: Filled out a form at work (finally). Now I just have to hope my boss will sign it and have it notarized.

June 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6: Took the (hopefully) last CPA exam. It was nice as I spoke to an elevator engineer before the exam and it helped to calm my nerves a bit.   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: Wasn’t sure what day to put this on, but @nah-young and I hung out for hours just sitting and chatting on the cats’ back porch. 15: Successfully navigated into DC with the help of @arrowhearts (and had an interesting laugh about her being my son...? Oh well, at least we got to give the people sitting outside a show as we left the building with two rollie office chairs each). 16: Started working on my Halloween costume. I’ve abandoned the idea I originally had and will be switching to a different Mega Man X character (fun fact: it was a costume I originally intended to make before being introduced to Scaramouche back in 2017) 17: It was a scorcher, but had a slurpee for the first time in almost a year. I’m so thankful for the 7-11 within walking distance of where my dad and I work on Mondays. 18: I’ve officially passed the CPA exam! Now onto the next steps... 19: I have been struggling with telling people good news, but I did make an effort to inform some people about me passing the exam. 20: Told some more people about the CPA exam and just trying not to stress. I got celebratory milkshakes for my family after dinner. 21: My coworkers are so sweet. They brought me in a cake and we had a mini celebration. 22: 23: 24: 25: 26:Found a praying mantis while mowing. She kept standing where I wanted to mow, so I got to pick her up and put her somewhere safe (with lots of snacks for her!) 27: 28: 29: So glad I went to see Detective Pikachu with @nah-young and @arrowhearts! I really enjoyed it! 30: 31:

July 1: A new fiscal year! I did manage to get a good bit done on my latch hook. 2: A sudden thunderstorm took me off the weed pulling job early (i.e. a perfect opportunity to read). 3: It was quiet in the office. Too quiet ... yet super productive! I processed so many gifts and letters. 4: I don’t really celebrate, and spent a lot of it working, but played some pokemon in the rain. It was a warm day, so the cool rain felt so refreshing! 5: A jammed packed day with trashrooms, a bank run, and more pokemon quests! I completed another 15 and hatched a new pokemon. Plus I finished another book: Dr. Death. 6: A busy day, but I was able to finish everything so I can take the next day off completely (for once). Again, apologies to @arrowhearts  for dragging you out and getting caught in a downpour so I could get some bubble tea! 7: 8: 9: 10: Unboxed my unicycle! Not sure when I’ll ride, but it’s ready when I am. 11: 12: 13: 14: The vanity is back in my bathroom! Dad’s renovating it, and it’s been a slow process, but I finally have a sink! 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: Spent a few hours working on cleaning the basement, and I’m finally seeing some of the fruits of my labor. 21: 22: 23: 24: Officially finished the Vile helmet! 25: Just started a new dog sitting job, and the house is right on top of a pokestop. Guess I’m going to have a full item bag again! 26: Finally got myself a memory stick for my PSP. I’m replaying the Maverick Hunter X game ... because I can! 27: Got three team rocket grunts in one day at the one stop. 28: Plowed through the Vile portion of Maverick Hunter X. Lol, I probably make it harder on myself since I only use my favorites, regardless of if they’re good against the boss. 29: Had a huge crab and shrimp dinner at Jane’s house. 30: Hung out and ate delicious homemade butter chicken with my best friend’s mom (she’s basically like my other mother). We laughed and chatted, showed off our latest projects, probably kept the neighbors up, and just had a good time until like 2 in the morning.  31: Welp, it wasn’t a raid day for armored Mewtwo, but @arrowhearts and I did defeat more Team Rocket Go grunts in the rain.

August 1: Chatted with @nah-young for a few hours and I’ve got a new place to eat on my radar! 2: I kept feeling like I was letting my boss down because I couldn’t answer her questions/didn’t understand, but she insisted I was handling myself well, and found the information she needed later. Plus, she’s very complimentary of my work and appreciates my transparency and work ethic, both of which I work hard on and value. 3: 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: 31:

September 1: 2: 3: It’s official! We’re having a Halloween party at work. If my new schedule turns out, I’ll be at work on that day and will show off a costume. Not sure if it will be the one I’m working on, but I can always recycle an old one. 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: I had such a good ripstik run. @nah-young and I practiced for a good while yesterday (and she did her first trick, too!). I guess it’s nice to see the fruits of our practice since we’ve been working off and on for about a month. 16: Had the investment club meeting at my house. I didn’t get to cook everything, but I picked the recipe and it turned out well! 17: I finished “Every Tool’s a Hammer” by Adam Savage (from Mythbusters) and I really recommend it. It’s such a great book for anyone who makes or creates. It’s a fun read and chocked full of helpful hints. 18: I decided to start reading the Naruto series. I’m enjoying it so far! Now I just have to wait for the next to volumes to be available from the library. 19: I started replaying Scooby Doo and the Cyber Chase. It’s amusing, although I’m a little rough. 20: 21: 22: 23: I’d been on the fence about taking a vacation early next year because I want to save up for a down payment, but after talking to my dad, I decided I’d do a little something. I still need to work out the plans (and make sure the people I want to visit are free), but I’m looking forward to it! 24: 25: 26: There’s a chance I might be going full time at my office job, so dad encouraged me to take the day off from trash rooms. I still got up early, but knocked out a bunch of chores, finished Scooby Doo and the Cyber Chase, finished a drawing, and cleaned in the basement a bit. 27: Lol, I just realized I have three cycles of books checked out again. I started reading The Wicked Years series. I’m trying to set aside time each night so I can read a chapter or two before bed. 28: I made the pattern for my gauntlets! I’m actually trying to do it the right way and making measurements, creating an accurate template, and just generally taking my time. 29: Part 2 of the gauntlets: They’re made! My template worked and I spent a couple of hours slowly forming and shaping them. I still need some practice on the gluing component, but at least they feel sturdy. 30: Started replaying DK 64 again. I really love this game. Besides Gauntlet Legends, it’s probably my favorite N64 game we own. 31: Got rained out at work, but managed to take it easy in the afternoon and just generally keep ahead with laundry.

October 1: Today officially marks the first day of working full time at my office job. They added ten hours a week, so now I’m working 4 days at 10 hours each. It’ll take a little adjusting. I’m happy for the extra hours! 2: I sent out invoices on time for once! 3: It was my fuzzball’s 16th Birthday today! Someone also brought in some really yummy snacks to work that were leftover from a meeting. I also managed to create templates for the leg gauntlets and cut them out of  foam. I’m just rolling with the motivation now, and would like to have Vile finished by Halloween (keep reading to find out if it was finished). 4: Really just having a good time playing DK 64. Knocked out Gloomy Galleon, so all that’s left are my favorite levels! 5: 6:   7: I have leg gauntlets formed. Lol, I guess I should look up the name... All that’s left is the chest plate and cape! 8: I lucked out! My coworker can’t go to a book signing even this weekend and asked me to get her book signed since I’m going. It was the perfect opportunity to get my hands on a copy of “Where the Crawdads Sing” which I wanted to read before this weekend. 9: Making some headway on the costume again! Arm and leg gauntlets have the plating and base coat of plastidip. 10: I finished “Where the Crawdads Sing” within 48 hours of having it my possession. That’s such a huge accomplishment to read something so quickly and eagerly! 11: I was plowing through my to do list at work. I knocked out 11 items. Woo! 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: My Halloween costume is finished *gasp* before Halloween! Barely, but it counts. 31: I won the most creative costume at work! Well, tied for first, but that’s cool.

November (whoops, I really forgot to write this month) 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: 31:

December 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: My coworker is back! She had been on extended leave for a while, but now she’s back. She bring such a positive and fun attitude to the workplace. 13: 14: I’m officially 25! I worked a few hours in the rain, but got a lot done (and saw Lucy, my favorite cat I cat sit). Instead of going to a steakhouse for dinner, which I’m not a fan of, we ended up going to somewhere I did enjoy. Overall, it was a nice and quiet celebration. 15: 16: 17: I finished the Naruto series today! It was a good series, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Going to take a manga break to work on a few novels I have checked out and then  decide which series to start. 18:  19: A busy day again. Knocked out two leaf clients for the year and went to see three bands perform at a local music club. I stayed out way too late, but had a great time hanging with a friend, one of the performers, and the performer’s friend. 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: Hung out with my brother and grandmother. I crushed them in several games! 25: Went to my coworkers in the afternoon and dueled for the first time in quiet a while. They wiped the floor with me, but I had fun with my deck destruction deck. 26: 27: Ended up hanging out with Jane for a while and just chatting about everything. We’re seeing eye to eye on a lot of things, so it was nice.  28: Finished my leaf jobs for the year! Time to relax. 29: 30: 31: Welp, ended up being sick and missing out on the intended New Year plans. I guess I did start the year with a migraine, so here I am ending it with one. After I rested up, I did start playing my favorite video game. Plus, I frantically read “Hey, Kiddo!” before the end of the year

Notable stuff

Highlights: Passed the CPA exam Officially hired full time

Books read: “Ghost Stories” “Every Tool’s a Hammer” “Where the Crawdads Sing” “Wicked” Naruto series “Hey, Kiddo!”

Movies watched: Spiderman: Enter the Spiderverse Mary Poppins 2 The Princess and the Frog Pokemon Lucario

[itsok2bunstable-blog]

This has got to be the worst year of my life. The stress felt like I could be buried in it. Every day the work piled higher and higher, until eventually it felt like Mount Everest was standing on my chest, making it hard to grasp even the smallest breathe of air.  

“This just isn’t going to work out anymore”

I woke from my daydream to stare at the all too familiar face in front of me. The storm gray eyes I fell in love with six months ago, when I first laid eyes on the man in front of me, now all they did was make me feel sick. Like I was about to lose the walking tacos I had for lunch right here right now.

“But why?”

All I wanted was an explanation. Sure, lately we have both been so busy with our intense schedules that seeing each other became difficult. Not to mention the undeniable difference that’s been going on between us since he started working with that new girl who transferred into our school a month ago. I could have seen this coming if I paid attention to the obvious signs. That, however, does not mean that this felt any better. In fact, currently my heart felt like it was slowly being pulled out of my chest, so slow that I could feel every tear from an artery, every movement of the clenched fist around my pumping heart, squeezing it so tightly that I just wished it would stop pumping blood through my weak body.

“It’s not you...”

The over used words of every ending relationship rang through my ears like a siren, never ending and only getting louder. The words Jessie said sounded muffled, like he was talking under water. I caught some things, like how he’s been seeing that new girl and falling for her with every time they met. The world around me seemed to spin all except for the boy in front of me, I realized in this moment that he was not a man, but a boy posing as a man.

“Ariel, please don’t put this on yourself. We just didn’t work out, friends?”

From there I only remember bits and pieces, I remember saying okay. I remember walking to my house and briefly waving at the few people I passed by. I somehow manger to keep the building tears at bay until I reached my small apartment. As soon as I unlocked the door, my knees buckled sending me crashing to the floor, the sobs shook my chest as they came out. This is what they call an ugly cry. Soon enough I was coughing with every breathe. All the promises of forever, all the I love you’s, the talks about our future together, all meant absolutely nothing now. All of it was one gigantic lie. It felt like someone placed a fifty-pound weight on my chest, making it almost impossible to breathe. Almost being the keyword, I could still manage small gasps of air, just enough to keep me alive. All I could feel as pain, insane pain.

           After two hours of nonstop crying I finally settled from an outrageous sob to a soft tear cry, and was able to call my best friend, the only other person that knew about her panic attacks other than the boy she just waisted six months on. Cody rushed over, of course with my most favorite comfort items, including a blue fuzzy blanket from his house, a cheesy chick flick and curly fries from Arby’s with Arby’s sauce. I couldn’t help but close my heavy eyes as he ran his fingers through my thick black hair.

“Hey, don’t fall asleep on me yet punk, we haven’t even gotten to the overly dramatic breakup”

I let a small chuckle from my lips, there’s a possibility he’s watched way too many of these movies with me. I pluck a fry from the container before submerging it into the sauce and throwing it into my mouth where I relished in the sweet and spicy combination before saying my first words all night.

“Thank you for coming”

My voice sounded so weak and hoarse that I cringed, barely recognizing my own voice. Even after years of this, I still felt so embarrassed allowing anyone to see me this weak.

“Hey, it’s kind of my job considering I am your best friend”

I offered a weak smile in his direction. Our moms were best friends since high school, they somehow managed to get pregnant at the same time. We were raised together, even though he is two days younger than me, since someone just had to take their sweet ole time to come out. We were raised together, family vacations, family dinners, tons of sleepovers, any huge event basically was spent together. Through the years we developed a close knit of friends, his football friends and my lacrosse friends meshed well and once we got to high school it wasn’t just us, parties, hanging out, we were typically always in group of six with our closest friends. Still, we always managed to make time for just us, even if it was just helping my mom make dinner before Friday Family Night. However, when we were 15 my world came crashing around me. My loving mother, who had been fighting leukemia for three years suddenly took a turn for the worst and lost her long battle. At her funeral I had my first ever panic attack, people who I never met were approaching me and telling me how much I looked like her, how sorry they were, that at least I got 1 years to be her daughter and remember the lessons she taught me. It all became too much to handle and before I knew what was happening, I was shaking, feeling ice cold, my world was spinning, and it became so difficult to breathe. Cody, who hadn’t left my side all day immediately picked up on his and carried me outside, where I cried on is shoulder for a solid 45 minutes while he held me and didn’t say a single thing, he just let me cry it out. That was the first of many, very quickly out tradition became Arby’s fries and a movie, sometimes three however many it took to make me feel better.

“Where’s your mind at chicken?”

The nickname I haven’t been able to shake since we were 13 when I refused to jump off a cliff into the local river makes me roll my eyes.

“Well unlike you I’m watching the movie.”

Small white lies to keep him from knowing how often I think of my mom usually work and keep me from having to explain these things, in truth though he knows without asking, it’s like this unspoken truth between us because I know he thinks of her as well. Before I can even register what is happening a pillow is hitting my face. As a child I always ought a pillow fight would be soft and not hurt, because pillows are soft and tender and there’s no way they could hurt. Man was I false, my face stung from the zipper of the cushion hitting my cheek and I’m sure my face insanely turned red after the impact. My moth dropped, forming an O as I mincingly shot the death glare at Cody. I grabbed the closest pillow too me and swung it with all my might in his direction. His eyes widened and he flinched before I even made contact, he held out his hands in the hopes to deflect the object now flying at him. The pillow made contact in the most epic pillow swing ever seen on this planet. As I wound up for hit number two, because let’s face it who ends a pillow fight at just when hit he yelped,

“Mercy! Mercy!”

I couldn’t help but giggle at his big baby eyes, starring up at me begging me to end this pillow torture.

“I hit harder than you youngin”

He narrowed his baby blue eyes at me and wined.

“Only by two days”

This got me to giggle because he sounded exactly like he did when we were eight, that same little voice that cried to mom anytime we got into a fight or he scraped a knee riding his bike.

“Oh, hush up. Look it’s the breakup”

We watched as Savanna broke up with John through a letter after not talking to him in months, we watched as he threw all the letters into a fire pit and his best friend approached him. That’s when we learn that she was engaged to another man and planning on getting married to him.

“Well that was shitty.”

I most definitely agreed but at the same time he chose to reenlist after 9/11 without even really discussing the option with her. I could only imagine how it felt knowing he might never come home, especially after 9/11.

“I mean she definitely could have done it better, but he did reenlist”

As we continued to argue about the Nicolas Sparks movie, I couldn’t help but think about Jessie. Fr the past few weeks anytime I tried to reach out he was always too busy to hang out yet was able to make time for this new girl.

“He was probably with her every time.”

My own voice made me jump as I realize I said this personal inside thought out loud, meaning Cody most definitely heard it. Since Cody got here while I was an absolute mess I wasn’t able to tell him at happened. Once I got calmed down enough, he knows not to ask because nine times out of ten it sets another attack off just thinking about the trigger.

“What?”

I turned so my body was facing him and as the tears slowly fell down my cheeks, leaving wet trails behind their path, I told him the story. With Cody I don’t typically hold anything back, he’s always been my safe space, my go to for rants and I know anything I do say is between me and him.

“I’m going to kill him”

Was his only response after I finished, I gave him a soft smile after wiping the last of my tears away.

“As sweet as the offer is, we both know he would probably pummel you.”

His hard expression turns soft before he sighs and rubs his face with his hand.

“Your right on that, but he deserves something after the pain es caused you. I am not okay with that; you’ve been through enough already. Stuff he knows about, yet he continued to do this.”

Instead of responding to this, I crawl into his lap and burry my face into the nape of his neck as he wrapped his arms around my waist. The best thing about Cody, is he’s been in my life for so long now that this doesn’t feel awkward, the hugs don’t have meaning behind them other then offering a safe place for me in my weak moments. We stayed in this position, with me silently crying his shoulder until the movie ended. When the credit scene rolled, I jumped up from his lap, wiped my tears, and told him I had an idea.

Walking into Jessie and the psychology blonde having sex is not exactly what I was expecting when we got to Jessie’s house. When Cody pulled up and I noticed that the door was wide open, somehow, I didn’t see the beetle parked next to Jessie’s 2004 light blue Mustang. I walked through the kitchen, not hearing a single sound until I reached the living room. Where the blonde was on her knees, with Jessie’s back facing me. My mouth dropped as I witnessed him pull her hair something, he had done to me a million times. Cody touched my arm making me jump in place before awkwardly clearing his throat. The girl screamed and grabbed a t shirt in attempt to cover herself. Jessie however turned around completely unfazed and turned around with a cocky smile.

“Oh hey, you should have called”

My eyes were still focused on the girl desperately trying to cover herself, as if I didn’t just get a full show of everything, she has to offer a few minutes ago.

“I tried. Three times”

My voice comes out so steady and clean it shocks even me.

“Oh sorry, I’ve been a bit occupied”

Jessie scratched the back of is head, trying to seem guilty but enjoying this moment all too much.

“Put some pants on jackass.”

Cody’s voice wakes me from my zone, and I can feel his thumb moving up and down on the small of my back a slight comfort in this crazy moment. Him being here makes all this a bit easier to handle, because I know if it was just me, I would have lost my stuff the minute I walked into this room. I watch as Jessie grabs his shorts from the ground and slides them on effortlessly, as if his is ex-girlfriend of not even a day walking in on him having sex with another girl happens often.

“Come get our shit”

Without another word, I pivot on my heel and walk back through the kitchen and out to Cody’s Nissan Altima. I popped the trunk and start throwing Jessie’s things onto the street. Before I reach the fourth box Cody came from behind me and grabbed my hands. Jessie was behind me desperately trying to gather the things that have fallen out from the boxes.

“Let me do it.”

I sheepishly manage to nod my head and step back as Cody unloads the last two boxes. As this all unfolded Infront of me my mind went completely blank. My head tilted back, and I saw the stars of the night sky. Suddenly the toll that today has taken on me takes full effect and the exhaustion takes over. He didn’t even wait a day; we broke up a total of six hours ago and she was already over here. He same girl he broke up with me for.

“Come on.”

Cody’s touch startles me from my thoughts, and when I look back down from the sky, I realize it’s just me and him alone in the empty street. Cody’s soft hand guides me to the passenger side of the car, where he opens the door and allows me to slide in. My whole body feels numb, every limb of my body feels heavy. My head rolls back onto the seat cushion as Cody starts the car. I can feel my eyelids getting heavier with every blink I take and before I know it, they become too heavy to even open. The last thought that crosses my mind before sleep finally takes over is,

He’s been sleeping with her this whole time.

[coolknowledgeispower]

Social dictators Cristiano Ronaldo- El Rey

It’s very important to comprehend the magnitude of social influence and how SOME people take charge whilst others remain in a herd. This is not to say that the herd do not have the power to wake up, they certainly do. It is not a person’s fault to idolize another person, it is the extent to which that person will go to make this idolized person different from him/her. That is important.

Social dictators, especially in the 21st century, dictate and work in cohesion with brands to sell their products. They are the medium- social media is an instrument to relay the message. We have multiple biases and one goes by the name of, association, which is within our psyche. Stereotypes are one of these associations, and with the work of social dictators, the public makes a connection/association with their products and thus consume more of their goods. For example, Cristiano Ronaldo’s partnership with Nike. Cristiano is widely popular and his success in the football world has given him access to lucrative deals with other brands. Ronaldo according to Business Insider generated 500 million dollars in value for Nike from his social media properties in 2016. He also received a billion-life pact contract in 2016. We will also be evaluating his present-day scores; previous statistics were recorded in 2017. . His accumulation of prosperity and attention, success in having his own shoe line and sales that come from it, this is a stem that is the root of this contract.

Ronaldo reached 262 million followers on all his socials: 120 million followers on Facebook-fact; 122 million as of 2019, falling below Facebook at number 1 with 214 million likes, and 2nd Samsung at 160 million likes. Checked it myself as of 9/28/19 at 10:30 A.M. This is amusing. There is no other human with such followers or likes until 7th place. And of course, Shakira with 100 million likes. Big entities such as Real-Madrid at 4th, not surprised there.

Real Madrid is a historical city and team; however, they had not won the prize that every team in every European league is eyeing. The Champions League, since the 2001-2002 final. Ronaldo has 4 UEFA (Union of European Football Associations)Champions League titles under his belt. 3 won in a row. He also won 15 trophies in his time in Real Madrid from 2009-2018. In the football realm, its either Ronaldo or Lionel Messi, who is also considered one of the best in the world. I would say many people know Ronaldo because of his large following and possibly because he knows English, he is able to connect to more people. But that is just a bias I could be showcasing.

Transitioning back to his socials: Twitter followers equal to 80.1 million followers and Instagram 185 million followers. Now, the projections of 2017 statistics said 262 million followers in the social sphere. 2019 accumulative as of today, 387.1 million followers. Mind-boggling, Nike understands the height of Ronaldo’s success, furthermore. According to Forbes, Niall McCarthy reiterates on the fact that Juventus benefitted before Ronaldo had arrived to the club. The bare news that circulated after the transfer was accomplished, saw Juventus share increase by 40 percent. Consequently, Juventus socials were flooded by 1.5 new million followers in one day. Business Insider, reported 520,000 Ronaldo Jerseys sold in 24 hours. That is worth 62.4 million in revenue and the football clubs receive 10-15 percent of the revenue, so Juventus got about 6-9 million dollars.

Ronaldo has an influence wherever he goes. You can say that money does fall from his tree. 2 years ago, Ronaldo posted 347 pictures that included the Nike logo or mention, and this generated 477 million interactions.

This is a transaction of social influence into monetary power.

Ronaldo has amassed quite a following, let us try to understand why that is from a psychological perspective/philosophical perspective.

 Medium is the Message

Marshall McLuhan in his interview, recorded in 1977. “…When you trigger these vast media that we use, you are manipulating an entire population…” We have different avenues to lose ourselves into provided by the big corporations. In George Orwell’s famous book 1984. His belief was that the practice of hedonism was on the rise through a consumable western society. We have different brands and they each have customers. This in turn would decrease the freedom of western societies. The impediment of freedom to venture towards self-reflection, our leisure time spent in finding ways to better society, Theodor Adorno from the Frankfurt School explains this well. The School of Life on YouTube goes in-depth with this notion. Becoming the herd, rendering individuality by a consumable collective. This is what I call the matrix. Orwell believes this nature in society(hedonism) makes people less resistant to change, Aldous Huxley-in his book Brave New World had his own interpretation: this could be used as a tool to oppress, Academy of Ideas on Youtube explains, “… because people will willingly forgo freedom for sensory pleasure and endless consumption, ‘ (side note- one quotation mark is input from the understanding put forth, carry on) bringing us back to Ronaldo’s influence by the number of followers he has’… if a society can be structured so that people can devout much of their time to pursuing pleasures, gratifying materials wants and even drugging themselves to escape reality...” There was a lot of worry about how the future of technological/ media improvements would have on the masses, used as a tool to spread ideological thoughts whilst unknowingly becoming part of a system. If you’re to respond to this paragraph sir, what would you say, ‘Well, this is true. I believe we should understand the pessimistic side of situations and find a solution to these circumstances. Although association and grouping of people are in our DNA as we are social beings, we cannot escape if one is not willing to. Furthermore, one needs to be strict with oneself, abide by some rules, discipline. A few philosophies I like to follow are stoicism and epicureanism. These thoughts on the way of life have stopped me from getting lost in the sauce/illusion. In addition, it’s also important to understand, these media have created different approaches in making money, and some capitalize on it, and it’s a bonus when one is being successful.’

Group Psychology

Edward Bernays developed a theory called group psychology. In his book, Propaganda, released in 1928 *clears throat* ‘the minute people who have a deep sense of knowing how to control the masses through symbols and manipulation of habits... a constitution of people who control a country’. Bernays developed complex manipulation techniques used by companies to sell products. Sigmund Freud thoughts on group psychology, “concerned with the individual man as a member of a race, of a nation, of a caste, of a profession, of an institution, or as a component part of a crowd of people who have been organized into a group of at some particular time for some definite purpose.” Group Psychology tries to understand the psychology of people once they are branded as a group, the habits, thoughts, behaviors, how do they alter once involved in a crowd.

There was a survey done reported by Business Wire, it was working around the understanding of group psychology. Customers are influenced more by influencers than the brand itself. I remember watching a video of an influencer, and he was saying that. His followers do not purchase products in the ads that he puts on his videos, but rather products that he uses genuinely in his life.  In the United States and United Kingdom, influencers have had an impact on how consumers’ purchase:  “44 percent of all respondents said they have considered purchasing a product or service based on a social influencer post; 31 percent said they have already purchased a product or service based on an influencer post, and 24 percent said they have recommended a product or service based on an influencer post.”

 I’m ready to gobble all your feedback, toodles

[pyrogina]

my keto experience

Intro/TL:DR

As a preface I can report that I lost 17lbs in 30 days while strictly adhering to a keto diet.  I'm a 34 year old canadian woman who works from home as an artist and a huge helping factor for me was the freedom to stay home on the bad days and the ability to purchase fresh meats and vegetables on a weekly basis. This is a really tough diet but if you put the right pieces in place, it might work for you too.  Additionally, I am NOT a dietitian/nutritionist in any way, shape, or form.  Everything posted here is from my own experience and a modicum of research on the net.  Please double-check my facts before you begin this diet for yourself.

Is keto for you?

The first and hardest question to ask yourself about a ketosis diet is, Can I Endure this? And you should not feel any guilt if the answer to that question is no, because this is a very invasive and aggressive diet that will cause you physical pain even if just for a brief amount of time. Similar to vegetarianism, or is extreme cousin, veganism, a keto diet involves cutting out large swaths of the food pyramid to facilitate this diet. This does not mean going hungry, the foods that are removed will be replaced with other foods, only without any (or minimal) artificial or natural sugars. Sugar is just a chemical, which doesn't sound like a huge sacrifice, right? Most adults don't bother adding sugar to anything other than tea or coffee, but sugar is much more deeply rooted in our lives than you may realize.

Carbohydrates can be found in virtually every type of ready-to-serve foods: breads, wraps, pastas, fried snacks, hors d'oeuvre (these are examples of things I ate before this diet). All of these delicious and very satisfying foods have a fiber content and sugar content. You're still allowed to consume these, and I encourage you do so, but make sure to monitor the grams of total carbohydrates you consume that day. During this diet you will only be allowed to consume 20 grams (to 50 grams, depending on your body and personal needs) a day. remember this. Those 20 grams of carbs maybe the difference between you having a normal day and one of the worst days of your life.

Before I chose to begin a keto diet, I had been exercising casually (as before I was sedentary, more details on this later) and consuming about half as many carbohydrates as I had normally done in my life before. During the two years I was living this way, I was able to lose approximately 20lbs (from about 230 to 210).  If you're starting your diet or lifestyle change from scratch, maybe try starting here first.  Its significantly slower (10lbs in nearly a year), but it will not cause any pain or significant inconvenience.

What’s the big deal?/What to eat?

Sugar is a chemical, and more than that, its a drug that your body has been dependent on since you were a wee baby in your mama’s belly.  Sugar makes your brain work and when you mess with your brain’s intake of the all-important-life-sauce it goes into panic mode. In the first 2-3 days (up to 6 if your me!) you will literally, physically go into a state of depression.  Many had described it to me as ‘keto flu’ but as a survivor of 2009s Swine flu, I can most assuredly tell you that keto is much, MUCH worse.

First, my appetite became very finicky (and i'm already a very picky eater).  I had no desire to eat the genuinely tasty keto meals that my boyfriend had lovingly prepared.  I didn't want to draw, and I wasn't even in the mood to play easy video games.  All I felt like doing was crying or sleeping (which I did, for 9 hours in the middle of my 3rd day).  This is why, whenever I speak to someone who’s even moderately interested in this diet to BOOK TIME OFF YOUR JOB!!! It’s inconceivable to me to be forced to face other human beings in this state of physical distress.  You need to pamper yourself while in this state in order to endure it and ensure your success.

There was one more bump in the road around the one-week point but i'm fairly certain it came down to a combination of dehydration and moodiness (period) so perhaps that was an outlier.  Either way, water is the key when you start feeling shitty.  Get yourself a nice BPA-free water bottle that you're comfortable carrying around and keeping full of fresh water.  Once your body is in ketosis (you can check using those little paper sticks you pee on from the drug store, wash your hands!) you will get tired and moody the very instant you become hungry at mealtimes.  Sometimes you don't even feel the familiar hunger pangs from your previous diet and mistake it for just a general bad mood. Always have a sip of water, babes; that’s your brain telling you to hydrate.

Alternatively, after eating a keto meal you still may feel hungry or unsatisfied, even sad (longing for your favourite dessert).  This is where those 20g of carbs come in pretty clutch.  Finding your perfect portion of reward may be impossibly difficult, I can only tell you what made me feel better when I got the cravings.  Blueberries are quite sweet, they have a lot of natural sugar, but a handful of them sufficed as an incredibly sweet treat (some keto dieters have proclaimed that ‘regular things taste much sweeter than before’, I didn't experience this). Minigo/iogo yoghurt cups are fatty and sweet and work as a decent replacement to ice cream (count the carbs!).  On extra tough mornings (in addition to bacon and eggs! Totally keto!) we would split a cavendish oven-fried hashbrown (about 15g; 7.5g split between my partner and I).

There are a surprising amount of natural foods that are not keto, but in careful proportions, can be incorporated into a daily keto diet.  Most every fruit (that I checked) is very sugary but can make for a nice dessert.  Certain vegetables like carrots or potato have too many carbs to be anything more than a boost when you feel shitty. Red onions have a very small amount of carbs (sugar and fibre work together to your benefit!) and server to replace pasta as a side to a nice steak dinner.

On that note, you need fibre to make your BMs move.  Cutting carbs from your life means your number 2’s go bunny mode…. Take a sugar-free metamucil on any day where you have more meat during a meal than other types of food, or the toilet will be a nightmare.

Meals:

Cutting away pastas, breads, and other sides seems like an insane task but with some discipline and creativity, it's quite manageable.  Breakfast didn't change much: eggs any way (sunny side for me, cheddar omelette for my BF) with bacon or sausage. Lunch was some combination of chicken breast and various salads (so many salad dressings are low or no carb! Read the back!). On steak night, we replace noodles with sauteed red onions fried and seasoning.  Snacktime was usually pre-sliced cheddar cheese (go NUTS that shit is A-OK!), unsalted peanuts (other nuts have marginally more carbs, almonds and sunflower are moderate, check what works for you), or small amounts of beef jerky.  Accompany those snacks with a big drink of water, or if you've had enough of that, certain drinks are acceptable like tea or coffee (with sweetner and high fat milk, skim milk is too sugary), diet sodas, sugarfree drink mix (migo, nestea).  Just remember water, water, water.

Is it worth it? Pros/Cons

Cons:

-HURTS LIEK DRUG WITHDRAWL (you're literally coming down from the lifelong chemical addiction of sugar.  It hurts like Trainspotting)

-MEAT (you will be consuming a lot of animal product)

-POOP (even when you have your metamucil, the toilet can take some time)

-SWEETS (the cravings for your favourite yumyums will almost never stop, it takes monk-like discipline)

-BORING (you can't go out and enjoy meals/drinks with friends and family without them or the restaurant making odd or even crappy exceptions.  Keto menu options are slowly becoming popular though)

-TIRED (the first week or two will be very tedious and you won’t have any energy, even your favourite hobbies may seen unfulfilling for a time)

-ALCOHOL (basically none, unless you like vodka and sugarfree mix, you'll get drunk a lot quicker and end up feeling shittier without carbs in your body to process the liquor)

Pros:

-INSTANT RESULTS (in my first week i lost nearly 10lbs, and then two for every subsequent week. note that, just like any diet, there will be bounce-back)

-APPETITE LOSS (once you get into the swing of this, after the 2 week mark, you’ll find you no longer are pained when your hungry and the bigger cravings subside)

-BUDGET (this is a bit of an odd one and may not necessarily reflect your cost benefits.  Before engaging in this diet, my BF and I discovered we were spending too much money on restaurants and leaving the food in the fridge to waste.  This was primarily because we were too lazy to cook.  Getting off our asses and cooking 6 days of the week made an immediate impact on this for us.  If you already do that, this won't apply.  Concurrently, we spent more money at the grocery store ensuring we always had fresh meat and vegetables; this did net us positive)

-REWARDING MEALS (having to stop and think about what it takes to make a tasty and satisfying meal has forced us to look at things in a different way.  Making yourself and your partner a healthy, supremely tasty meal gets those endorphins peaking)

-EXERCISE (Unnecessary! Your choice! Just note that building muscle increases your weight as muscle weights more than fat)

My fave meals:

-Coffee (reluctantly replacing 1tsp of sugar with a fairy-dust sprinkling of sweetner cos i HATE sweetner, its 20-30x stronger than sugar so you only need 1/20th as much)

-Eggs and bacon!!! (sausage sometimes too)

-Garlic grilled chicken with spinach salad (onions, sliced almonds, feta, dressing)

-Steak and red onions (meat rare and onions grilled with seasoning)

-Spicy ground pork tacos (replace the taco/burrito with large boston lettuce leaves, shredded cheddar, green onions, diced tomato, dab of ranch sauce)

-Baked chicken breast stuffed with ricotta and spinach, topped with parmesan

-Slow-cooked pulled pork slathered with sharp cheddar (just eat with a fork!)

-Baked shrimp with garlic butter and parmesan

-Jalapenos stuffed with ricotta, cream cheese and cheddar, then wrapped in a strip of bacon (great late-night snack)

-Even changing the texture of a cheese can change the taste of the meal.  Shredded cheddar adds a salty bite to a lettuce wrap, grated parmesan can trick a baked chicken breast into thinking its breaded.  creamy cheeses can replace other baking sauces entirely.

-Diet pops (make sure its 0 sugar!), and tea/coffees with sweetner are fine, they do contain a lot of sodium though, make sure to drink 1-for-1 with water (meaning: every diet coke or tea you have, accompany it with the same amount of plain water so your body can process it and pee it out).

Variations/Control:

Vitamins: It should be noted that I take a daily multivitamin (C3+D) as I generally don't get enough sun or fruits.  I highly recommend you take these just in general. They help keep skin soft and blemish free (I initially began taking these because of acne on upper arms and it cleared within days).

Activity: As briefly mentioned earlier, I began shifting from sedentary (not moving much, sitting for hours a day) to a more active lifestyle about 2-3 years ago. This entailed a personal regimen of making an attempt at physical activity approximately half the days of the month (period week was generally excluded).  Every other day I would attempt one of the following: walking at least 2km, 15-20m of floor exercises (‘lady push-ups’, sit-ups), 15-20m of time on the indoor bike, or an hour of house related chores (lifting, laundry, cleaning, anything that involves getting sweaty).  In addition to these, yoga is peppered into my lifestyle as frequently as possibly, particularly in the morning before breakfast. On days where i'm unable to exercise, I at least attempt the basic yoga poses to stave off my (no-longer chronic) back pain.

[lindoig4]

Chicago - Part 2 - 12-15 July

12 July

We ordered breakfast from room service again – a smaller single serve, but again, we could not eat it all between us!

We walked downtown to where we were to join an architectural tour on the river.  It was hot and the walk was quite a way, but interesting to see so many things so different from Oz – and some that reminded us of previous visits to the US.  We were a bit early for the tour so sat in the shade and had a drink before joining the rapidly forming queue.  We were in the queue for a while before we discovered that we had to exchange our pre-purchased voucher for a ticket at an office a little way away.  We had been anxious to board early because there was very little shade and the sun was really burning – so I raced back to swap our voucher and that took longer than expected.  I ran back to rejoin the queue and Heather wasn’t there.  I was starting to get a little concerned when I heard her calling me from on board the boat.  They had come down the line while I was away and told Heather to go to the very front (still don’t know why unless it was our advanced age – most people were quite a bit younger) and then ushered her straight on board.  Then they saw me coming and ushered me on board too – just ahead of the hordes of other people in the line.  Maybe there are advantages in looking old, hot and bothered!!

The tour itself was quite fascinating, but the guide/raconteur spoke a little like a machine gun and pumped out so much information that I was quite lost 15 minutes into the tour.  The boat took us downstream to where two more rivers flowed in forming a big Y that has become a symbol of the city.

The river itself has an intriguing history in that it used to flow the other way - into Lake Michigan.  In the early days, the abattoirs and other dirty industries were in that area and all the waste was dumped into the river, blocking it and polluting the lake quite horrendously.  To resolve the problem, they dammed the river near the estuary and dredged a huge channel to make the river run in the opposite direction to pollute St Louis instead.  There were lots of big court cases to try to reverse the decision and to make Chicago pay compensation but there is still a deal of ill-will over the issue 100+ years later.

Despite not remembering much of the commentary on the tour, it was a great way to see a lot more of the city and its buildings.  We got a lot more history and numerous amusing anecdotes along the way, but recounting them here (even if I could recall them) probably wouldn’t make much sense out of context without the buildings in front of us. We took lots of photos and many of the buildings have fascinating histories or stories about them and it was quite an entertaining 2-3 hours.

Our tickets entitled us to a free antipasto plate at a nearby restaurant and we were desperate for a very cold drink so took advantage of it - and enjoyed watching a bit of baseball in the sports bar into the bargain.

Refreshed and revived, we took a circuitous route back to the hotel, stopping for another drink when the going got hit and hard again.  We then went out again to acquire some victuals to get us through the night and came back with a pizza (not really like a proper Aussie pizza) but nonetheless tasty and nourishing and we ate it in our room and washed it down with our bottle of Aussie red.  (Incidentally, pizzas are called pies over here!)

13 July

We had a wrap for brekky (bought it on our way home yesterday) and spent the morning in our room sifting photos and writing up our blogs.  I even had some bills to pay!

We gave lunch a miss because we had our pub crawl tour early in the arvo.  We caught a cab outside the hotel to go the mile or so to the tour rendezvous.  Big misteak!  Gridlock and detours everywhere because of the Taste of Chicago food festival that is on until Sunday and is based just across the road from here.  The cabbie tried really hard, but we could easily have walked the trip in half the time.  We rang to say we would be late but actually got there just before proceedings really started.  Average speed roughly 2 Kph!!!  But the driver was really on our side, did a few interesting manoeuvres to speed our trip and then wouldn’t take a tip at the end of the ride.  Unusual, but really nice!

The walking tour was really interesting. Our guide (Jen) melded architecture (which she teaches at University), social history and plain old good fun (sometimes perhaps a little fanciful) and was always entertaining. We stopped at several places while she talked about the buildings, their history, the architecture and their place in the social development of Chicago and I found the context quite fascinating.  Just as San Francisco’s present was heavily dictated by its Earthquake and fire history, the Great Chicago fire is one of the overwhelming factors giving rise to the city as it now is.

It was supposed to be a tour highlighting the seedier side of Chicago, particularly back in the early 1900s, featuring Prohibition, crime, political corruption, Al Capone and so on and she brought it alive for us with her anecdotes (some of which may have contained an element of truth).  I just suspect that Chicago really was a good deal more seedy that her more extravagant stories – a lot of fun and definitely some ‘seed’ but I don’t think she wanted to leave us with the impression of how bad it actually might have been.

We stopped for a drink and mini-burger at the Billy Goat pub (rich and evocative of the time), followed by a drink and some locally-special crisps in a wonderful bar in the old rebuilt Lawry Mansions and finally on to the Intercontinental Hotel for a drink and the most delicious toast smothered in blue cheese sauce you can imagine.  I take that back!  It was so good you simply couldn’t imagine it!!  The tour lasted almost 3 hours and it was fun and educational from go to whoa.  Highly recommended!

After walking back to the hotel, we relaxed for an hour or two and went out to find a restaurant for dinner.  After walking quite a way, we eventually opted for some Chinese takeaway, just as they were closing, and took it back to our room.  Not quite what we intended, but deliciously spicy nonetheless.

14 July

Today we had breakfast just down the road, then hopped on the Hop On Hop Off bus for a loop around the city.  It took almost 2 hours to complete and the temperature was in the low 30s so we were hot and sticky before we returned to the start of the ride.  We had a milkshake near the bus stop but decided not to brave the heat for another trip to any of the other places along the route because our ticket gave us the second day free and we thought we would fill in part of tomorrow doing that.

Despite the heat, we strolled…….  We called in at an interesting pub for a cold one on the way home.  All pubs seem to be interesting, rich in history and character, decorated in ways that probably reflect local pride and culture and the range of available embrocations seems endless.  As it turned out, this was the pub we set out to find before settling on our takeaway the previous night. It was just a little further along from where we walked - under the El.

Chicago has the El – an elevated railway with the famous Loop around the main Downtown area and with 8 or 9 lines running off it to all points outside the city – all colour-coded to make it easier  to find your way.  We have read quite a few Sara Paretsky books and the El and the Loop always feature in them, so we decided to ride the Loop just for fun.  We were told how to do it – catch one line out and another back so we could go all the way around – so we did, but we went quite a few stops further than we had to but it was hot outside and not quite as bad inside so it was worth it.

Then back to our air-conditioned room for an hour or so before we went out for dinner.

It is the Taste of Chicago food festival here at present (finishes tonight!) so we went across with the idea of sampling a few goodies and checking out the scene.  Well, let me tell you that being a couple of older people in a massive, crowded throng of hustling bustling young things all bent on feasting and having a good time is just not my thing.  They had maybe a couple of hundred stalls selling food and drinks of all descriptions (plus dozens of non-food stalls) and approximately ten million hungry families eager to stoke the internal fires - it was not a happy place for me.  The event closed numerous streets around the hotel and occupied several complete ‘city blocks’ of what was otherwise roadways and parkland and it was really a matter of shuffling along wherever the crowds went and hoping that we could work our way to the edge of the human torrent to where the food was.  You first had to line up to buy strips of 14 tokens at $10 per strip and then use them at the stalls to make your purchases.  Each serve was priced at from 4 to 25 tokens (that I saw) so you had to juggle your choices to ensure you had enough tokens - or lose you place in the queue while you trekked off to buy more tokens.  We ended up with 3 dishes for 42 tokens and escaped back to our room to eat the spoils and drink our bottle of Aussie wine.

15 July

Checkout day today, so after we finished a few Sudokus, it was breakfast, repacking, showers and a bit of tidying up and then sorting photos and writing until noon when we had to be out of our room.  We cloaked our bags and walked down to the HOHO bus-stop and hopped on for the ride around to Navy Pier where we had decided to have lunch.  It was in the mid-30s but felt even hotter to us so we were very glad to get inside the Pier buildings where it was cooler.  We checked out the shops and food court but settled on a slow pub meal in air conditioned (relative) comfort.  Then we strolled through the rest of the complex into a huge cool glassed-in atrium with trees and numerous clever water features (a bit like Crown used to have) and then out into the Fun Park with a Ferris wheel, a couple of merry-go-rounds and some good views of the Lake - if you could tolerate the Sun!

We hopped on a little free trolley for a 2-3 km ride to State Street and back before catching the HOHO bus home. Big problem!  Our ticket was not valid!  It seems that we were sold the ticket for the wrong bus company yesterday and despite having ridden on that bus before, we were told we had to ride a different bus - and the last full route for that one had finished for the day.  When that bus did arrive, it was only going one more stop and would then finish until tomorrow.  The driver and guide saw our disappointment and asked where we were staying - 7 stops (at least 4-5 miles) further along.  The driver and guide had some secret adventure ahead of them so offered to get us to our hotel, despite the problem.  They then also picked up 2 more stranded passengers and dropped them a few stops along - but delivered us to the door of our hotel.  Not to the nearest stop – absolutely to the front door.  It was so hot, we thought they were angels and had no compunction about giving them a tip!

We had time to kill so sat in the hotel foyer - and froze!  From about 40 degrees outside, the A/C was set to about 15 inside and it was blasting straight down where we were sitting.  We rugged up and sat there for an hour or so until we could get into the restaurant for dinner.

We took a cab to Union Station and found it crowded with hundreds of Amish folk - at least we think they were Amish from their odd ultra-conservative clothing, beards, hats and so on.  They are obviously in a number of families or clans, each with its own uniform.  We had a few of them on our Zephyr train so maybe there is a convention on, but it is a bit disturbing to see so many very young bonneted short-haired girls in long black dresses, each with several kids in tow and all the guys standing around with their strange hats and peculiar beards.

[yoongiinspired]

Crazy -Jin Angst/Fluff

Trigger Warning- depression themes

Summary- You’re in a low mood and you can’t handle it when Jin shots at you for breaking his cookie jar. Time to go

Admin- SquishyMinMin

You didn't know what was wrong with you. For the past two weeks you had been feeling sad, but there was no reason for it, you life was going okay and you had everything you needed. You even had the best boyfriend in all the world...you and Jin had been dating for just over five years now. Jin knew you had your ups and downs and he tried his best to help you through it when you were having a bad day. But you worried that as days had now turned to weeks he was getting annoyed with your constant state of laziness. You rolled over as you still lay in bed, not wanting to look at the time since you knew it had to be late afternoon by now. You had been drifting between sleep all day, constant short dreams playing in your head as your sad state festered. You hadn't gotten up for breakfast, you hadn't gotten up for lunch and as it neared dinner time you found that you still didn't really have the energy to get up yet. You let out a huge sigh as you finally rolled over to look at the time. 5:45pm...it was worse than you thought. Groaning as you counted to three in your head you pulled yourself up. You should really at least make dinner for Jin, he'd been making all his own dinners and even making extras for you, though you'd never managed to eat them. This is literally the least you could do in return. Heading towards the kitchen, not bothering to change out of your pyjamas, you sleepily drug your feet across the wooden floor. You could make him a stir fry or something...you knew you had plenty of vegetables, maybe you could even make some black bean sauce if you could be bothered.  You opened the fridge and found everything you needed for the stir fry but unfortunately Jin wouldn't be having any sauce...in fact he probably wouldn't eat any of it and would just make himself a much better dish. You were just wasting ingredients on burnt rubbish that no one would want to eat, or at least that's how you saw it. Despite your thoughts you carried on making the meal, cutting up the veg as small as you could, not really caring that your speedy work made you cut your hand every now and again. You were the one doing it wrong, you deserve the punishment. It was as if you were drunk on your own sadness, blinded by the fog of depression that was forming in front of your eyes and you couldn't breath anymore. Shaking hands finally were unable to grasp the knife anymore, bleeding fingers making everything slippy while staining whatever they touched, the air you sucked in just wasn't filling your lungs as you started to hyperventilate. Why was this happening? What was wrong with you? Was all you could think as you desperately tried to hold yourself up, knocking the food and cutlery all over the floor as you did. Though through the madness, the clatter of falling objects woke you from your hazed state long enough to know you needed to sit down. You must have spent an hour on the floor, vegetables splayed out around you as you finally calmed your breathing, blood dried and the food definitely spoilt from being on the floor. You'd clean this up and go back to bed, you promised yourself as you slowly lifted off the floor, crouching down and cleaning the mess you had made afterwards. Jin didn't have to know. You'd just clean up and act like nothing happened, you nodded to yourself as you turned to the bin. But that's when your heart dropped. Lying on the floor in pieces was the Mario Cookie jar that Jin’s mother had just bought him. He loved it so much. The way his face lit up the moment he saw it mirrored the face he made whenever he pulled a cookie from the jar. And you'd broken it. You'd ruined the only thing bringing him any joy. As you stared blankly at the broken crockery on the floor, you were hit with more panic as the sound of keys in the door sounded. Jin had had the longest day, he kept forgetting dance moves and no matter how much Tae helped him he just wasn't getting it. Usually the thought of coming home to your smiling face would bring him some joy, but recently that hadn't been the case. You were distant, not greeting him at the door, not smiling at him the goofy way you usually did. It made him worry. As he slid the keys into the door he had no idea what to expect on the other side, a happy Y/N, a sad and detached Y/N. He let out a sigh as he opened door, but what lay on the other side he didn't expect at all. Lying on the floor in bits was his favorite cookie jar, food all over the floor as you just stood in the middle staring at him with a hand full of vegetables. And he couldn't handle it anymore. “Y\N! What the hell!?” He shouted as he walked further into the kitchen towards the carnage. You just stood there staring at him with glassy eyes, silent as you couldn't think of anything to say. “Look at the mess you've made!” He scolded as he looked at the floor “first you won't talk to me about what's wrong and then you throw all my stuff on the floor!? You're such a mess!” He threw his hands up in the air in defeat before leaving to get the dustpan. As Jin went round the corner you took your chance. You just couldn't watch him be so upset because of you, so trying to dodge as much broken crockery as you could you ran for the door. Not bothering to get shoes or a coat you just left the apartment. Running away from all your problems. When Jin came back into the kitchen he was surprised to see that you were gone, it wasn't like you to just hide or leave, but then again you weren't being very much like you. Assuming you were still in the apartment Jin bent down and began sweeping up the broken Mario jar. At first he didn't see anything out of place, just the aftermath of what he assumed was your clumsiness. It wasn't until he reached the vegetables, knife and chopping board that were still on the floor that he got confused. Why were they covered in blood? “Y/N?” He called out for you as his heart began to beat slightly faster. When you didn't reply he quickly headed towards your shared bedroom. “Y/N!” He called out again, this time louder and more frantic. He checked the bathroom, living room even the kitchen again but there was no sign of you. “Shit.” How could you have been such an idiot? It was almost 9 o'clock of course it was going to be freezing outside. And no shoes was possibly the worst part of it all as if your spiralling mind wasn't enough. You were going crazy. Outside wondering the streets of Seoul in your pyjamas with no shoes. Jin was one lucky guy you thought as you turned towards the park, hoping to doge the judging looks people were giving you. Couldn't they tell you were already having a bad day? You just wanted to find a bench and resume the eternal snooze you'd been having all week long. No Jin being angry and no you there to annoy him. Just sleeping to avoid the fact he'd probably leave you after this. After finding a bench around the centre of the park you decided to settle down, curling up and trying your best to keep warm. Guess you could just pretend to be homeless now. Jin had been searching for hours, scouring the streets looking for any sign of you but finding nothing. He was ready to cry. He didn't understand what was going on and he just wanted you to be okay. Tired and feeling useless, Jin turned to the park, the last place he'd check before he called your parents and friends to see if you were there. If not then he'd have to phone the police. running over the strangeness of it all in his head “hey yes police, I yelled at my depressed girlfriend and she ran away and now I've lost her.” He muttered to himself  as he couldn't bring himself to laugh, not believing you were really feeling that awful. It was then, that after stopping to scan the benches in the middle of the park that he saw a small curled up ball asleep on a bench. He knew it could just be a homeless person but he couldn't help dashing over just in case and as he did his heart broke. There you were, shivering in your sleep with tear stains on your cheeks and dried blood coating your hands. Despite his broken heart Jin knew he needed to get you inside. Hooking his hands underneath you he lifted you up carefully, making sure you were stable before walking home with you in his arms. In your sleep you nestled towards his warmth, unconsciously trying to escape the cold. “I'm so sorry Y/N.” Jin said as he kissed your sleeping head.