#i speedrunned this art in like a day that was exhausting

[sashiwash]

Fans Fantasy Fight comic strip 2!!

yes please ignore the fact that it looks totally different from the first i used assets for this one because i made them for animation

assets and comic drawn by me :]

anything for fantasy fight will be tagged with 'fans fantasy fight' cuz why not

[kittydoggie]

Day 2 of The Restructuring:

It is now evening. I am exhausted. I haven't gotten any drawing done, but I have cleaned an entire corner of my office. That means: going through stacks and stacks of old things that we had just shoved into boxes because we had no idea what we were doing when we first moved here. It's been like 2 years now. I've trashed a lot of e-waste (we had a fucking Tom-tom stashed in our stuff. Anyone remember Tom-tom? ) and other stuff that we just didn't need.

I would like to have things organized into sectors: hardware for home repair, art supplies, supplies related to resin and 3d printing. We have a lot of jewelry-making stuff, some of which is useless and taking up room, and some of which is very useful to me.

I'm may have to sacrifice my desk being near the door in order to set up the dark tent for the 3d printer. It needs to be both dark inside and have access to the fucking window so it can vent. I have considered setting it up next to the door (which has a little window in a perfect size), instead, and simply undoing the venting when not in use. I bought the stupid thing almost to make my wife happy. She thinks it's cute that I'm such a little mad scientist in my lair, with all the things I'm making all the time.

But goddamned if it's not a hassle getting the lair ready to deal with VOCs and ventilation issues. Ugh. I'm just in such a mood. At least I bought the fucker before shit hits the fan in regards to importing things.

I'm not ready for the economy to crash. I've even seen certain people (Musk and his wretches) saying that they intend to crash it to "reset things". If that's not an admission of guilt, I don't know what is. The popular idealogy among the elites right now is that democracy should die. It's been said by better than me that America is speedrunning Rome.

Romans knew lead pipes were bad for them, but they were convenient. I think about this a lot lately.

I didn't mean this to go so darkly. I guess I just wanted to see what writing a normal blog was like. How retro.

Here, instead, let's end it on something nice: I built a little shelf of those cube things next to my desk window, because it's the perfect height for my cats to sit and look outside. Nugget instantly understood that this was for her, and settled like a little princess on the cushion I put there for her. She sits there when I'm working.

I suppose that does answer my conundrum about venting- I couldn't possibly take her window from her, so I'll just set up the printer next to the door, with it's enclosure and possibly some extra safeguards against them hassling it. My office is quite large- it was obviously once a garage, in case someone is bored enough to have read my entire screed here. I could probably even make it two rooms, if I really wanted to do something heavy- however, there are more pressing home improvements for me to make.

For example, making my toilet stop screaming (cheap repair, but haven't done it yet from ennui).

[sad-leon]

Hello! I hope you're having a good day!

So many people in my life seem to be going through something right now, and I just wanted to give you an opportunity to share anything you might be going through. Good or bad, as specific or as vague as you're comfortable with. Or feel free to ignore if you'd rather not. No pressure at all!

I hope things are going well for you! But if not, I'll be sending prayers your way if you're comfortable with that!

I am... not.

and i haven't for a long time

I'll preface this entire post with a warning: THIS IS A VENT POST the only tags will be trigger warnings

I thinks i've said it once or twice, but I started school this year. This is my first year in college after taking a gap year and also telling everyon i wasnt gonna go. I know jack shit about what im doing and its fucking exhausting. Theres so many things that i feel like I should know but dont because all the college information given out in my highschool was geared toward the college in that town specifically, which is not the college im going to.

I've also moved. im entirely on my own, physically and financially. I just met with my job and am starting very soon which is not good because my sleep schedule is all wrong. I may be switching jobs soon, but i can't just quit becuase, like i said, im on my own.

and those are only the big two. lets speedrun this. my anxiety, my autism, i need new glasses, my feet hurt more than i think they should, im a system, my eating disorder, my aversions that make it hard to drink the water up here, the burnout, the exhaustion, executive dysfunction, i also likely have adhd which mean rsd. im touch starved and touch adverse

those are just what i can think of off the top of my head

but all of this had been leading to what might be a pretty nasty breakdown and soon.

im so fucking tired all the time and that makes it hard to draw, but thats one of my only ways to relax. i like playing mc, but i get bored easily and also i cant sit at my desk for long becuase it feels like my head is too heavy for my neck. it hurts. everything hurts and my job doesnt help me at fucking all.

i was able to draw tsob while dealing with most of my issues becuase all i had to worry about was work. looking at my current schedule, i can find the free time. the issue is using that freetime to draw and not just sleep or dissociate. finding home is very dear to me, but drawing it the way i am can be exhausting and i dont want to start hating it, so i just.. dont draw it most days

i stress constantly about how i appear on my blog becuase i want so badly to do this right. i want to be good at something, like, as a person, not just as an artist. but i hate myself too much to believe in any progress i make.

i know its the rsd mostly but i see groups and i feel gross. its not as bed now (any of you beans that have made it this far, ily /p) becuase i found a community i can actually interact with, but it still comes up, especially because i've moved away from all my irl friends and its so fucking hard for me to make them in the first place. like.. actual friends, not just people i can work with at school

if i keep going i'll probably talk myself in circles, so ill stop it here. theres a lot more but im not going to ramble about my suicidal, intrusive, or sh thoughts on this blog. this is a post to inform you guys of the state of mind im in. im lonely and sad and its all building up to a massive breakdown.

im not going to be leaving tumblr or giving up on my comic, but i probalby wont update as often as i did tsob. i just dont have the energy.

i also will probably post some of my traditional art cuz i gotta fill up a sketchbook for my animation class, so that also takes away from the time i use to draw digitally.

im so tired

[jayjaymorgan]

RexWalker Week - Day 6, Nightmares

Author’s Note : Speedrunning my last entries, part 2! Please remember that English isn't my native language, so there might be some mistakes and stuff. I hope you all like it, have a great day/night!

Taglist : @rexwalker-week

TW : mention of nightmares and torture (Anakin's past as a slave is brought up)

Anakin sat at the kitchen island, slumped over the counter, with a thin, plush blanket thrown haphazardly over his shoulders. Staring down at his mechanical arm, he couldn’t help but to fidget nervously with his fingers, twisting and turning them in various directions. The apartment was silent, the only sound being the storm raging outside, with raindrops tracing intricate pattern on the glass. The man sighed deeply, his breath hitching slightly as he closed his eyes, his shoulders dropping.

He was exhausted.

His eyes were dry and itchy from the lack of sleep, his body heavy and aching, his arm, or rather, what was left of it, sending waves of pain up his shoulder. A flash of lightning illuminated the room, casting eerie shadow on the walls. A clap of thunder followed, rolling across the skies with a loud bang. Anakin clenched his mechanical fist, the metal joints groaning under the pressure. Tears welled up in his eyes as he continued to stare at the artificial limb, that now felt more like a chunk of dead flesh he was forced to drag around rather than an arm. His eyes lingered on the spot where the prosthetic connected with his body, his stomach churning at the sight of the layers upon layers of scar tissue around its socket. Some from surgery, other from him clawing at the skin in frustration and pain. His mind drifted back to the moment he had received his prosthetic, the feeling of the cold metal being attached to his body, the unfamiliar weight pulling him down. The doctors’ assurances that it was state-of-the-art technology, designed to work and feel like a real arm. Yet, it felt foreign, alien, making the man feel like… he wasn’t whole. Anakin’s fingertips grazed the cold surface of his cybernetic arm, tracing the lines and curves with a mix of awe and resentment. It was a marvel of engineering, an amazing piece of innovation made to help and serve those in need, but also a constant reminder of his own vulnerability. A gust of wind rattled the windows, startling the man. He glanced outside, watching the lashing rain with a somber expression on his face. Lost in his own thoughts, he didn’t notice Rex standing in the doorway, until he spoke. “Hey.” his voice was soft and quiet as he approached, yet it still made Anakin flinch in surprise. The Jedi turned to face his partner, a pang of guilt piercing his heart when he caught a glimpse of the dark bruise on Rex’s face. He looked away, to try and hide the look of guilt and shame. “…hey.” he answered hoarsely. The clone moved closer, concern etched on his face upon seeing the tired look on the senator’s face. He reached out and put his hand on the man’s healthy shoulder, squeezing it gently. “You okay?” he asked. It made Anakin half scoff, half laugh. “I should be the one asking you that.” he humored with a tired smirk. “I can handle a bruise.” the soldier replied, his thumb lazily rubbing circles on Skywalker’s shoulder. Anakin sighed, leaning into the touch, his own hand reaching out to grab Rex’s. They sat in silence for a moment, listening to the raging storm. “I… I’m sorry.” Anakin broke the silence. “I’m sorry, Rex.” “Don’t be.” the blond man interrupted. “You didn’t mean to. You had a nightmare, you were scared and I shouldn’t have grabbed you like that.” The senator glanced at their intertwined hands, his heart heavy with guilt. “No, Rex, you were just trying to help. I lost control, I…” he paused, like he couldn’t quite remember the words. “…I hit you.” His voice was strained and shaky, like he was about to cry, as he once again glanced at the shiner on the clone’s face. He felt ashamed, stupid even. He woke up, screaming in terror, after a nightmare, and, in a blind panic, hit his partner square in the face when he tried to grab him.

The image of Rex, nursing his cheek and staring at him with confusion, hurt and betrayal was burned into his mind.

All of that, because he had a stupid nightmare. The one where he was reliving his day as a slave, the one where they cut of his arm off for trying to defend a kid from being whipped by his owner. “I don’t deserve you, Rex.” “Ani.” the man voice was still soft and quiet, but with a hint of firmness in his tone. He cupped Anakin’s face with his free hand, prompting him to look up. “Don’t you dare say that, Skywalker. It’s not your fault. I love you through the galaxy and back and I will not listen to that bullshit.” Before the senator could try to argue, Rex kissed him deeply, shushing him instantly. Anakin soon melted into the touch, wrapping his arms around the man’s neck, pulling him closer. “…now, let’s go back bed.” the soldier said once they parted, helping Anakin up to his feet. “You need to rest.” Skywalker just hummed, leaning into the man and hugging him tightly. “…I love you too.” he whispered, as the storm outside slowly quieted down, the rain no longer hammering against the glass.

[russenoire]

does anyone have a healthy relationship with making art?・part 1

and if so, what does yours look like?

art is one special interest of mine... among a dozen or so. and most of them i engage with to various unhealthy degrees.

for example, my japanese self-study looked like this for a while: several hours a day per week, including all-nighters poring over my own translations and grammar resources and doing anki speedruns. i'd asked my friends for a 7-month-long time out and took a vow of silence unless it was in japanese. i said that i'd surrendered to the language at the time, and i meant it. while i don't regret it, exactly, i seem to be constitutionally incapable of pacing myself over things i love, and i can flame out pretty easily.

every piece of art i have finished over the last year? has involved at least five all-nighter sessions. multiple forgotten meals. dangerously sore wrists. migraines from eyestrain and dehydration. body aches.

an idea seizes me by the throat. i begin the process of making it real... and cannot stop. at all. it will colonize my brain, robbing enjoyment and headspace from other important things that need doing until i can call it done. i've literally put off buying food because that feels like a chore and i could be drawing. housekeeping gets done in something like resentment, if at all. and then i can't bring myself to art again for months. because this shit is exhausting and because i actually can't ignore the rest of my life without guilt or terrible consequences. it's why i'm not as prolific as i would like to be.

after a lifetime of semi-confidence in my lineart, i only started learning how to paint less than a year ago. i am aware, painfully aware, of how much i still have to learn, but i can look at things i've finished and see more than 'mistakes' or 'flaws' now.

coloring can still take me forever, because it involves a lot of decision-making and feeling things out and tweaking until things feel right to me. sometimes they never do. i shelve work in the hope that i'll feel differently about it at some point.

i actually like the work i've made public. i'm proud of it. i hate that i felt like i had to turn into a machine to produce it.

though i know i'm not alone (thanks, duchess celestia) i feel naked and a bit ashamed mentioning any of this. i can hear the negative self-judgment coming a mile off and it's really easy for my brain to paste strangers' heads onto that critical voice i hear.

i don't know how not to be like this. i want to build a better relationship with creation so i can make more art.

[hollownoire]

I love insomnia. Sleepy? Yes. Tired? Very. Exhausted? Extremely.

Though no matter how I fuckin' time taking my sleeping med, or if I say fuck you to screens before bed, it just doesn't work. I need a hard reset, man, sleeping fucking sucks.

But I don't want it to! That's when I should be having dreams, that's when I should be fluttering off to dreamland on a chariot made of clouds and joy. I wanna close my eyes and fall asleep in minutes, seconds, not....HOURS?!?! I DONT KNOW ANYONE ELSE WHO JUST LIKE CANT SLEEP WHAT THE FUCK

ALL NIGHT BRO. ITS 5 FUCKING 30. HOW DO I TAKE MY SLEEP BACK?

Roll over, not comfy. Change positions, not comfy. Roll over. Roll over. Roll over. Curl up into the fetal position and pray to God my body realizes its time to shut the fuck up and go to bed, not comfy.

Melatonin? MelaNonin. Nothing. Nada. One. Two. Three, nothing. Take none, nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Weighted blanket? Nothing. Peaceful as a babe? Almost never, but still nothing.

Talking to my damn doctor, I'm losing my goddamn mind. My insomnia has never been this bad, hell, I thought it was normal to flip around fucking over and over again until morning. No! It's not! I'm just a goddamn skyrim draugr dissolving into dust with all my fuckin' bones hurting.

I'm fucking sleep deprived and I STILL CANT FALL ASLEEP? What kind of bullshit is this?

ALSO SOME MOTHERFUCKING TRICKSTER DEITY THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY TO GIVE ME THE WORST HICCUPS RIGHT AS I LAID DOWN

Well! No sleep for me I guess! I'll just stay up until I fold over like a melted fucking peep in the microwave.

My friend, the other day, after I got like four hours of sleep, was fucking with me saying that friend 2 was never there. Like in the call. I was talking to friend 2 for like 5 minutes straight, realized he wasn't there, and asked friend 1 where he went

He fucking said he was getting his doctorate in college, AND I JUST BELIEVED HIM.

Oh, yes, that makes sense. Friend 2 IS in COLLEGE afterall! Of course he'd be doing that right now!

BUUUUT then he asked if i was talking to him for the past five minutes, and he fucking gaslit me into thinking he was never there and I about had a goddamn panic attack thinking I was hallucinating. (It's a bit he does, it's funny, normally, this was just like too real to be funny in the moment, but it is pretty funny now despite it being like my biggest fear)

So....yeah. Shit myself goddamn sideways and now yet again sleep evades me expertly, and I'm pissed, uncomfortable, I just wanna sleep but the sun is peaking it's stupid fucking mug over the goddamn treeline and I want to go fucking throw hands with it and teach it a fucking lesson. I need like, TWO or THREE hours more of TOTAL DARKNESS or I'm gonna fucking scream!

I WOULD go to bed earlier but should this SHIT repeat itself I'd just be speedrunning Misery and Dissapointment.

Oh, what's that, you wanna toss and turn starting at 9 instead of 12 or 1? Be my guest! NONONO.

I'm gonna fucking flip through YouTube now. So fucking pissed. I have shit to do!!! My music! Art! I don't have time to nap, man, naps SUCK. Everyone fuckin' applauds sleepy-cozy time like it's a bag of chips WITH A SANDWICH but it's NOT. Its NOT!!!

It's like a fucking dark ritual you do when you failed to do the proper arcane invocation, and you close your eyes and it's shitty cause you don't fall asleep! It's just staring at my goddamn eyelids for thirty minutes until I give the fuck up.

OR, I COMMIT TO THE NAP, AND I WAKE UP IN DARKNESS AND HAVE TO SCOOP MY BRAIN BACK TOGETHER

Somebody, please, I need sleep Master's (or Mistresses I guess but that's...whatever) to fucking tell me how to sleep. Absurd. Yes. I've tried TURKEY, I've tried MILK, I've tried STRETCHING, I've tried GETTING UP AND COMING BACK LATER and NONE OF IT WORKSSSSS

PLEASEEEEEE

[girltober]

Long gender ramble incoming!

Been reading through my old posts and like... damn. I feel like the OG Girl Month may have lowkey been the happiest period of my life so far?

I felt so genuinely self-confident and loved and appreciated by my friends and... idk. It was just really nice. I want to try to get back into that headspace.

And like the experience of doing gender in such a casual non-committal way was SO liberating. Girlmoding then vs girlmoding now feels like the difference between doodling for fun and doing a Serious Art Project.

Like I'm locked in now. I've come out to my family, gotten an official HRT prescription and I've made trans friends who might view me differently if I detransitioned (I mean I'd hope not but idk). I CAN still stop whenever I want but it'd be kinda a big deal and a bit embarrassing, and I'd want to walk a careful line with the way I talk about it to make it clear that just because it was a phase for *me* doesnt mean you should assume that about anyone else...

Anyway I'm not saying I necessarily WANT to quit at this point but... idk I'm just questioning shit. Turns out you can't actually speedrun your full gender self-discovery journey in a single month who knew.

I have still been enjoying being girlnamed and wearing dresses, but its been sort of tinged by the stress/pressure/imposter syndrone sometimes. Like the difference between saying you like to draw and introducing yourself as an artist. I'm also kinda exhausted by the constant girlupkeep, and the less I do it the less girly I feel. Shaving - face or body- being the main one thats been grating on me more and more, but also my long hair has gotten more annoying as summer rolls on.

Anyway a couple of assorted personal gender theories that may or may not be true idk

I'm trans, I've just been demoralised as my naivite has been slowly stripped away and I've started to truly grok the struggle that being trans longterm actually means- warring against your own body and society alike

I'm genderfluid or genderqueer, and I'm frustrating myself by trying too hard to just be a woman. I just need to go with the flow and take gender day by day

I'm not actually trans, I'm just Cis+ /a crossdresser - wearing dresses makes me feel happy and confident, but in a completely different way to trans stuff. (Counterpoint: is there a meaningful difference? If I'm AMAB and like wearing dresses and using a girlname and girlpronouns then whats the point in quibbling over definitions?) (Also, is this theory motivated by my demoralisation in point 1 and is merely my brain trying to "dodge the draft" of the trans experience?)

My mental health has just been kinda shitty for unrelated reasons and gender is just a scapegoat. I should stop going to bed at 2am and clean my room and see if that fixes anything.

I should literally stop thinking about my gender and just wear and be what feels good. My gender is Nunya.

Relevant discussion with a friend from early December:

Actually while I was finding those images in my camera roll I saw this and it actually is such a good representation of my current gender experience:

TLDR: My gender is currently solidly in the "it is what it is" sector and the cure is shifting that shit up and/or right lol.

Anyway shits weird but I'll work it out. Worst case scenario I quit HRT at my 3 month checkup with little to no harm done to my body (and hopefully a permanent buff to my nipple sensitivity) and can look back on this fondly as a fun phase I enjoyed. No shame in trying new experiences and deciding they're not for you, nor in being mistaken and working shit out. 💙💜💙🤍🖤🤍

[westywallowing-archive]

some 4am dream team doodles from my comfort videos and streams

[brella-boi]

I can't believe the year has already gone. It went by so fast...

As per our tradition let's do a quick recap!

January: It was immediate work on new merch for a new years february update. This time it was focus on wooden charms.

February: I was ending my job contract that month, and didn't do much other than start listening to Lemon Demon and go a little insane.

March: Start of Merch and end of February I was doing donation commissions for helping Ukraine. Who knew this would be going on so long...

April: A month where I did NOTHING and I was a happy camper about that. Just straight up chillin

May: First time I decided to get out of my shell and start doing something fun with my life. I got my first car that month, and joined a local art group that sells art every saturday at a local park. The nicest people I hung around all summer, and this was the month where I worked on new prints to sell!

June: Preparations for artfight.... ref sheet hell.

July: Artfight

August: This was my holiday month!!! I barely drew because I also had a day job while on holiday. I was a wreck.

September: Back from holiday and out of a job again, I got to work on some new shop stuff in the meantime.

October: This month was a blur. I did some sketches here and there and worked a good bit on cosplay.

November: Everything Is On Fucking Fire. I may have skipped out on inktober and huevember this year, but I I did something so much worse instead. I was working day in day out this month without a moment break. I think I took maybe like 5 days off that entire month. It was neck breaking create new items for tabling at a con, neck breaking finishing kenku cosplay, and neck breaking family visit. Speedrun of everything. Im exhausted just thinking about it.

December: Month of strangling myself to do NOTHING. I travelled to america by myself. It's a tale and a half. I came home yesterday. I'm tired, I'm upset, I'm missing my luggage which has the kenku and other things I needed for christmas, I'm sick and my brain immediately wants to get back to work. Lord help me, two weeks was not enough with my friend to wind down

Here's to hoping that 2023 will be a better year. I've a lot of travel plans already, and I think art wise I just want to relax again. This year I've been breaking my neck over expanding my shop, and while I'll still like to make some new things, I'll be focusing on having fun like going to cons and tabling and meeting my friends. And have some time to relax and play games. I overwork myself way too much when given the time to do so.

Thank you everyone who have stuck around this year and hello to all the new people coming in!! I achieved my goal of drawing more bug themed stuff and will continue to do so! So here's to a whole new year in a week <3

[firstknightss]

its gwaincelot time

(footage of me linking this and turning incoherent thoughts to words)

so in s3 e13, we see lancelot getting slashed by one of cenred's men. since the soldier's immortal, lancelot can't kill him, but he sure can do some hefty damage to lancelot. the chainmail in the show, is shown to be quite useless ngl. it can stand some hits from swords and the like, but in the previous and further episodes, we see people being injured through the chainmail.

for arthur, his chainmail was quite steady, and the arrow that hit him in the ep before, probably hit a hole in the chain, creating a wound. but! this is arthur, the prince, and soon to be king of camelot, so obviously he has better chainmail

they were low on supplies when they minted the round table, so im assuming that whoever was wearing chainmail before, stayed in it. so arthur, percival, leon and lancelot stayed in their mail, whereas elyan and gwaine didnt and got new ones now. lancelot and percival had been living as mercenaries, which means that their supplies weren't as good as leon and arthurs. therfore lancelot and percy's armour was cheaper and lower quality

percival, of the two, is at the better objective advantage, as he's.....................tall.................so the places where his chainmail would have been the weakest (joints) was higher up, and harder to reach lancelot, on the other hand, is short as fuck. therefore his joints were lower and easier to hit leading him to get hit by the sword, in a battle which would have been pretty much a cakewalk for percival

also, we know, that the whole ordeal probably had a really bad effect on merlin, since he had to use powerful magic for a steady period of time. not to mention how tiring holding the dragon breath sword would have been. now there is no actual evidence merlin healed lancelot. (he sure could have. but for this hot take. im not gonna acknowledge it) and y'know what? fair? Merlin's gone through a LOT. and i mean a LOT. he probably had magical exhaustion another thing we know for sure, is that gwaine, however stupid u think he is, is quite competent. not only is he a really good fighter, BUT! considering he's got nobody to depend upon, and - most recently - in that slave trader situation, since he was his "best fighter", i assume he got injuries and probably fixed them himself. he's been around a Lot. therefore must. must have picked stuff up. jack of trades shit. i assume he'd be the second person you'd go for injuries, assuming merlin's incapacitated. its mostly just elimination than anything else arthur cant care for people for shit <3 gwen may be a seamistress but theres a line between sowing people up and fixing wounds. elyan may be a blacksmith, but again theres a line between mechanics and actually healing someone. leon - do u think he can heal people? look me in the Eye.

and percival. he'd be great for a mental health day, but not one for physical health ngl gaius is also there, but he straight up killed someone and he's quite old - so im gonna throw magical exhaustion at him. he did much less than merlin, but also age does add to it therefore, since the knights know gwaine is a bit of a "jack of all trades" thing, ofc they'd go to him for patchups

also ALSO reminder that gwaines one to have a proper Proper education because sure arthur has been "trained to kill since birth", and leon's probably trained to be first knight since birth. so they must have focused more on martial arts and swordmanship instead of like. actual studying.

but gwaines dad, hes probably a lower noble. so therefore, gwaine must have had more freedom to study like. whatever.

most of the medicine at that time was in LATIN. and seen as HERBAL. so gwaine could have deadass done the two subjects at school. like a latin 101 and herbology 101

now im gonna need u to hold these facts, and imagine a scenario

lancelot, probably tired as shit, a little feverish because who knows how good his shirt is under his armour, hobbling over to gwaine in camelot, after merlin and gaius r passed out

and then cut to tender scene where gwaine (who everyone thinks is like. beyond saving) softly patching up lancelot (who everyone thinks is like. the Purest)

and lancelot's like "oh gwaine!! didn't know you could do such work!!!" and gwaine's all like "ohh it's one of my MANY talents you dont know about [winkey face winky face]"

and its just shippy and cute

and also also. lancelot fevered. and gwaine offers to bunk w him. obv merlin would be a first choice, but hes. currently passed out due to exhaustion. so GWAINE it is

they dont have rooms yet so i assume they just sleep half in leons room and half in arthurs room

leons room contains lancelot and gwaine. leon very nobly offered lancelot his bed. and gwaine Jumps In like "dont mind if i do ;) "

and leons like.........okay

(leons going through somehting rn bc its hitting him that hes immortal. and he cant sleep. so he dozes off on the sofa, but NOT BEFORE looking over the two sleeping)

they wake up cuddling <3 :sparkles:

and leons like. in a very aro way. "fools"

and anyway they ride next to each other, when they get their horses the next morning. because sleeping next to another knight rlly speedruns a slow burn

tldr; i saw one scene where they rode together, therefore they must be gay

[queenoats]

tag game ♡

mentioned by @tearsofsyrup​, thank u my sweet!! 

i’ll tag @renthecupcake​ , @hansolmates​ , @ally-127​ , @johours​ , @4chai​ , @woozisnoots​ 

rules: questions under the cut!

how has your day been?

kinda exhausting ;_; i had to be in for work at fricken 5:30 this morning uhhh... i also managed to give myself a paper cut on my palm but with cardboard? and i got gum stuck in my braces so my toast tasted like peppermint and it was DISGUSTING! 

what was the last thing that made you smile?

THE WAFFLES I ATE FOR BREAKFAST <3 

what keeps you entertained these days?

well right now i’m working my way through teen wolf (again) and i’m thinking of rewatching the first few seasons of switched at birth. my friend also suggested i watch dark hero academia so... i’ve got a long list going... i’m reading coraline right now too which has been cool since i adore the movie!!

if you are in some kind of quarantine/self-isolation, is there anything you’d like to achieve in this time?

i haven’t been out a whole lot other than going to work and catching up with friends. nothing has changed much!! one thing i did want to achieve was learning how to make thread bracelets which i used to twine all the time. i started this week and even though the first few were a little... unattractive... i think i’m getting the hang of it! i’m one of those ppl who only does the speedrun like twice and then i think i understand all the physics behind it and dive in without anymore guidance (usually ends in me realizing i should’ve practiced more lmao - nvr lose the instruction card!!)

post a selfie! (only if you want to!)

i haven’t posted pix in such a long time!! DON’T PAY ATTENTION TO THE DUSTY SPOTTY MIRROR or the decorations i have been too lazy to take down or the terrible paintings from my childhood art classes but here is a recent one:

[gynandromorph]

i’ve been recovering for 2 months now which is cool, here’s what happent so far: -didn’t just double, didn’t just triple, didn’t just quintuple, moved my caloric intake up to TEN TIMES what it was at the beginning i never knew how many calories you actually need to recover, it’s really not as simple as just starting to eat food again -started gaining substantial weight only in the last week or 2 but before that, went through a long period of gaining and dropping weight made of pure water, lots of dehydration, drink a lot of fat and feel free to just go apeshit on anybody who tells you to stop cuz you definitely need it all the weight goes to your stomach first also ([spongebob voice] and then you blow up) which is like being in hell itself -heart still pounding randomly and regularly, can’t tell if it’s anxiety or genuinely something wrong, getting that checked out in 5 days at an appointment -wasn’t able to start falling asleep regularly until moving up to this calorie range i’m at now, i can still only stay asleep for usually 4-6 hours at a time if i eat like a thousand before going immediately to bed (thank god adrenaline has such a short half life lmao) -none of it has really felt “good,” none of it makes me want to joke or fake it till i make it or anything i just do my fucking job i haven’t been doing for years and then i go the fuck to sleep and when i wake up i do it again and maybe have some kinda episode in the middle of the day to speedrun the emotional part of this, there is no self fulfillment here it’s all just like “you fucked up, you fucked up so bad it doesn’t even matter how you feel right now you need to fix the most pressing DIE FACTOR FIRST SO EAT” but i’ve been feeling a lot more clear-headed, it kinda feels like moving around on land after u’ve been in a pool for like 3 hours or like u just got your new glasses prescription, really weird feeling sometimes -made a ton of ground rules to not fall back into other shit related to this, most notably not smoking, other ones being like “no more cutting” “no more procrastinating” “no more exercising” “no more self-insults” they’re all hard to manage in their own ways but whatever this isn’t something i can cherrypick the easiest parts anymore -haven’t been able to juggle art with recovering well at all it takes so much time and it’s so exhausting idk i’ve been drawing here or there though but i just ripped every coping mechanism i had to keep me focused on the art instead of my issues out from under my own feet so i feel like every time i open up to draw i just feel every stress pull at me or just some blob of overwhelming anxiety about not being good enough anymore but idk i’m really pleased about how much progress i made and i don’t think it’s over but i do feel a lot more confident about only needing till january to start touching work again. i’m glad i said i wouldn’t come back till i started producing shit unpaid first so i have that goal to meet before i can consider work again

[red-dyed-sarumane]

When I draw I make my best stuff when I throughly plan everything and take days to weeks to finish. Which is still exhausting so I wonder how do you keep yourself sane when doing art? I find myself bouncing around sketches and adjusting things here and there and whenever I try to focus on one drawing for too long I get impatient and start taking shortcuts. ;u;

im guilty of taking shortcuts too i like to speedrun art.

im not sure im the best person to ask about this i usually do my art in as few sittings as possible bc if i stray from it for something else chances are its not getting finished. what keeps me going is aside from maybe 2 things (i dont close lines so paint buckets hate me i have to fill in all my colors by hand & adding the first lines to hair) i find the whole process a lot of fun so it doesnt feel like a chore to do & most of the time i lose track of time doing it. i based my art style around what i thought looks good thats also fun to do if i dont have fun doing it i either will find a different way or just. wont. at all. also helps to be passionate about the subject material but i get that has a lot of variance.

sometimes tho i dont feel like doing everything all at once so ill just do whatever part i feel like. get an idea down one day. come back to fix it up. leave it until i really want to color. keep that on hold until i dont want to sketch i just want to render something. this is why i have like 13 wips all at the same point but shhh its fine.

if u really feel like u get stuck on a part for too long its okay to tell urself it doesnt have to be perfect, yeah u think if u just tweak it *this* way it'll be better, but sometimes perfectionism isnt right & u just gotta keep it in mind for next time u do something similar. i guess it depends on preference tho too i think im probably a quantity over quality person bc i have a lot of ideas i want to show rather than getting just one perfect. the cool part of art is that it can always be better & that means u get to decide when ur done just by if ur tired of it or not. its all up to u.

[pidgezero-one]

assorted thoughts about the state of my stream and discord server

haven't been doing the stream thing a whole lot lately, and that's mostly because of a couple of things

1) i've been very busy with commissions (see https://twitter.com/pidgezero_one/status/972189424955088897 for info) - this is good!

2) i've been kinda sick lately, symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome. don't think this is what I actually have, but it was wild to be sleeping 10-11 hours a day after 10 hours of commuting+working. my job is not physically demanding or mentally draining, and i'm fairly certain that my exhaustion was partially caused by other ppl's personal drama surrounding me. this is bad

so anyway, i've completely emotionally checked out of the situations contributing to reason #2, and it's a bad feeling, but i definitely feel healthier and less tired. but this in part led to me kinda reconstructing my discord server to:

a) be less "intense" of a social environment - not only was the serious talk channel being used in ways that are not really appropriate for a public stream discord (which I think contributed to an atmosphere which would be alienating to many members), it was also feeling kinda cliquey at times and it felt strange to me that I couldnt even keep up with my own server most of the time. i wanted it to be somewhere chill where anyone who watches my stream can contribute without having to be part of an established friend group, but at the same time the LAST thing I want is to discourage people from forming close friendships with each other (seriously, if that can happen because of a community I created, that's a personal victory for me)! finding that balance is an ongoing learning process I guess. i think removing the channel in question was prob the best compromise here.

b) include more dedicated channels related to my stream content. i've spent the last few days brainstorming sub perks and such and am kinda working on that in the background. chances are everyone in my discord is there because they either like my stream or like being friends with me, so it probably ought to be easier to find stuff in there related to my stream

i kinda hope that ppl who have been active there before and have fallen off will start to come back, but also that ppl who are active there wont feel like im trying to make our home a sterile place. just trying to find that inclusive balance

as for frequency/content:

i've got a ton more art commissions to do, but tonight i'll be resuming doing art streams. i think i've been burning myself out pushing myself to get through my entire queue before I even think about streaming, when in reality balancing my time throughout the week will result in higher quality work.

i'm on a huge smrpg kick right now, and that means running whatever category I feel like. that means i'm returning to any% as soon as I finish rebuilding my strat chart. I pbed culex RTA yesterday, I routed and ran an all bosses category for fun, and MOTS is the most fun ive ever had with speedrunning, but I do wanna go back to the real category as well.

early morning streams have been good to wake me up, for the foreseeable future this will just be idiot pills 1-10 as it's all I have time for in the morning. so far i've short-streamed every weekday at 6 am for two weeks and plan on keeping the habit up.

on the side i'm resuming dkc2 and AC. casually I wanna play the nier games, alttp, super metroid, ff9 in the nier (heh) future

a tougher topic: i'm not really sure where to go with the presentation of my stream. i've always just done, said, and played whatever I felt like. for the most part I want to keep doing that, but there are some overhauls i'm considering, namely i've been thinking for a while about making my stream more pg. i'm approaching 30 and many of my friends have young kids at home and i don't want to be off limits to them because i'm swearing too much or being inappropriate or whatever. at the same time, the viewers who built the community I already have, have done so and participated under my long history of relative lack of rules to enforce, which has been clearly enjoyable for them considering the wonderful support i've gotten, and I absolutely don't want to alienate them either. this doesn't have an easy answer and is something i'll have to think about for a while.

another thing that's been nagging at me for a while: meme typecasting! I get blamed a lot for "encouraging it", but if you really pay attention... read my tweet history, discord messages, twitch chat messages, etc, see for yourself there really aren't that many memes there lol. you know what it's like when you make 1 joke around somebody and then references to that joke become the only things they *ever* say to you, and then you don't know how to say "ok, that's getting kinda stale" without sounding like a jerk? this is how I feel when like I try to say something serious and am just met with a wall of emote spam or my sentence rephrased with a random word replaced with "dicks" for example. idk what I even do that encourages it, is it just the fact that I don't say anything when it happens? I really don't like to be the fun police and don't like to be a jerk about harmless jokes and just wanna be grateful that people enjoy saying anything to me at all, but man, being pigeonholed as something i'm very clearly not gets kinda tiring :( there's not really a good way to have everyone in the world understand the concept of moderation, is there? either way i don't really like when it gets outta control in my chat/discord, but that doesn't mean I want ppl to stop making those jokes *entirely*, you know? because I do the whole nonsense spam in chats too, but I also make it a point to know when it's too much and also have it not be the *only* thing I do -- it's harmless at the end of the day and people are just having fun, but still feels kinda invalidating when it's all the time lol

stream monster-y stuff also annoys me more than it should. ive thought several times about censoring "rip" and emotes like "NotLikeThis" from my chat lol. also not a big fan of ppl who go overboard with joking insults, theres maybe only 2 or 3 ppl who can do this with me and have me actually find it funny, and I doubt any of them are reading this. i just make a point of not responding to it because there's nothing to gain from openly getting mad about it

I have no illusions about obtaining partnership. it would be nice to have, but it's not something i'm actively pursuing or really care about. any changes I make to my stream/community are being considered for what would make it more fun for me and more accessible for anyone who likes me or the things/games I stream, and that's what makes it toughest

just some thoughts for now, i'm just gonna keep doing what I feel like doing going forward.