#i sometimes look at the stuff i post here and wonder how i possibly am able to make everything so inconsistent

[idkwhatever580]

Baby No!

Pairings: Natasha Romanoff x Reader

Prompt: Reader finds a mug identical to Natasha's favorite mug and starts plotting...

Warnings: Fake tears, broken glass, swearing, kind of mandala effect, karma? (I don't believe in karma, but it's the easiest way to explain it.

A/N: Hey guys! I feel like I haven't made a serious post in forever and I am having some serious writers block with the requests (I'm so super-duper sorry about that) But I always feel like after writing a few pranks, I get into the gist of things again. However, I might be fooling myself this time since I think I have a 2,000-word essay due next week that I haven't started on and a 1,000-word essay possibly 1,500 words due the following week, so yeah. T-T

Also, this was inspired by that one masc lesbian tiktoker named Alaire. They make a bunch of videos reenacting scenes with their girlfriend who has only ever dated men. They always go like "baby no!" when their gf is crying or about to cry lol.

It was just a normal day for you, driving home from buying groceries and you impulsively decided to stop at your local thrift store to see if they had anything new.

They knew you buy name and saved what they thought would interest you because you frequented their shop so much. You literally got first pick on most of the items they had solely because they love you so much.

So, as you stroll in, you smile and wave at the owner who waves back and nods her head to signal that there is new stuff in the back waiting for you to inspect.

You smile and walk right past all of the racks and shelves that you've sifted through a hundred times before, and you walk into the back and wave at Mary, the sorter.

You walk to your section that they labeled and you immediately frown, you spot a mug that you know.

It's Natasha's favorite mug. The mug has cute handle and was the only one that you could ever find. So, you walk over to it and pick it up wondering if it ended up in the box of things that you donated, possibly on accident. Although you could have sworn Nat was using it just the other day.

You roll your eyes picking it up and remembering that you have cold groceries in the car, you decide that you need to go. While taking it to the register, you decide not to mention anything to Kevin, the cashier, because they would probably give it back to you for free and you hate to leave them without buying a single thing.

You pay for the mug and take it home. Once you get back, you quietly wash the mug and go to put it in its usual spot, but you find that the mug is already there. You have a moment where your brain is stuck trying to put the pieces together, but when it clicks that you just bought a duplicate to the unique mug that Natasha loves so dearly, you start plotting.

You smirk and run upstairs knowing that Nat is in training for another hour or so and you quickly grab the fake blood from your period prank with Nat.

You know that Nat will probably come in on the first floor, and you chill in the basement, where Nat has coincidentally found her mug from you forgetting to put it back after stealing it. You check the time and calculate how long you have.

15 minutes... that's enough time for you to glue a fragment of the dupe coffee mug to your hand mostly carefully so you don't actually cut yourself and pour the blood in a way that it is dripping down your arm from your hand.

Once you are sure it looks amazing from every angle, you smirk and set up the camera. Which probably would have been easier to do with two hands but whatever. You like to do things the hard way sometimes.

Natasha comes in and yells out, "Y/n! I'm home!"

You yelp out pretending to be startled by her voice and you drop the mug on the floor.

Natasha hears the familiar crash of shattering ceramic and runs down to check on you saying, "Y/n? Are you alright?"

You fake a worried face and tone, "Yes! I'm fine baby! Just whatever you do, don't come down here!"

She frowns, "I need to make sure you are okay, I'm coming down okay?"

"Baby No!"

It's too late, she is already rushing down the stairs to check on you, the first thing she sees when she scans the room is you cowering in the middle of the floor with shattered ceramic pieces all around you and one big shard in your hand, "Y/n! Oh my god!"

She runs over, careful not to kick any ceramic pieces around, and carefully takes your hand in hers, "What happened detka?"

She looks into your eyes and you make your lip quiver and your eyes fill with tears as she tries to hush you, "No baby, its okay, please don't cry."

You let a few tears slip and say, "but- but you- I-" Your eyes widen as you look down and say, "Nat please don't be mad!"

She furrows her eyebrows reaching in the closet quickly to grab a first aid kit as she sits you on a table to assess your hand.

You frown and rush out, "I was drinking with your mug and then you scared me, and I dropped it and broke your favorite mug!"

She freezes when she realizes exactly what mug you have stabbing into your hand right now, but only briefly. She quickly composes herself and shakes her head, "I don't care baby, mugs are replaceable, you are not."

You quickly smirk at the camera when she looks away but recover when she comes back. She sets up her stuff and stops to look up into your eyes, "Detka? I know this isn't your first rodeo, but this is probably going to hurt like a bitch. I still need you to sit still though, okay?"

You nod your head as she starts to carefully wipe the blood off to try and assess the wound and how many stitches you'll need.

She frowns, "This looks like it should be deeper, but I think it is only superficial. That is a good thing, it means you might not have to go to Bruce, but I'm going to need to take the ceramic shard out before I make any final decisions."

You nod your head, but as she goes to pull it out slowly you yelp and pull your hand away before she can even touch it, "I'm scared! What if I bleed out?"

She shakes her head and holds yours in her hands, "You're not going to bleed out, I promise. If I was worried about that, I would have already taken you to the Med-bay, okay? I just need you to trust me. Take a deep breath, okay?"

You inhale and exhale slowly, and then bring your hand over to hers and nod your head.

When Natasha pulls the cut shard off of your hand though, she sees that it was glued on, and your hand underneath it is completely fine. When you see confusion cross her features, you start giggling, and not long after you are laughing your ass off.

She makes the connection, and her face drops to a glare. "Are you kidding me? I was so concerned about how the hell you even got a piece of ceramic this big into your hand in the first place, and you were just pranking me the whole time?"

You giggle and nod your head, but you forget to tell her about the duplicate mug scenario, so she frowns and says, "Did you seriously break my mug for a prank?"

After thinking about it, you decide to double prank her and nod your head laughing even more, but you realize you crossed the line when she drops down and slowly starts picking up every piece she can, and she starts trying to place them together.

Obviously, this doesn't work, and it crumbles to pieces again, but she sniffs a bit, and you realize the gravity of the situation. You place a hand on her shoulder, and she shrugs you off, so you try to talk to her, "Baby? I'm sorry, okay? I didn't realize it meant that much."

She shakes her head and mumbles out, "My sestra got that mug for me. It was the second thing she ever bought for herself once she got out of the red room, and she gave it to me. She- she's going to be heartbroken when she finds out it's broken. I'm heartbroken that it is broken." She lets a tear fall and then composes herself.

"Wow, I- I never knew, I'm so sorry. Can't we just find one on ebay or something?"

Nat lets out a frustrated huff and stands up and she starts cleaning the glass off the floor as she rants, "No! I can't find one on ebay, don't you think I've tried? Don't you think I know how clumsy and stupid you are, and was trying to be prepared for a situation like this to happen because you never ever listened to me when I told you not to touch my mug, but you're Y/N so you have to break the rules! I just didn't realize that the reason I would need such a duplicate would be because you are so careless and awful that you'd break this!"

Your jaw drops a bit at her rant, and you try to find words as Nat huffs and starts calming her breathing. You are a little hurt by her words which, on one side, you don't have a right to be hurt because you are the one that wanted to do a prank, but on the other hand, Nat just admitted that she never initially trusted you with her mug which really hurts. "I- I don't know what to say..."

Nat sighs and mumbles, "Look, I'm sorry, okay? I am just frustrated and I-"

You put your hand up to stop her and move to open a drawer and grab the original mug. You hold it in your hands, "I found a mug that looked exactly like yours at the thrift store today. I thought it would be some harmless fun to smash the duplicate one and prank you, but I'm realizing that I may have taken it too far."

You try to not let the fact that you are incredibly hurt show, but you are not the black widow or anything, so you just start on your own rant. "I know it was heartless and cruel of me to play this kind of prank on you. In my defense you never told me the story behind the mug, so I didn't realize how much it meant to you. Now... I am very sorry that I broke the duplicate on purpose, but here is your precious mug that you clearly don't trust my clumsy ass with. And most of all, I'm sorry that you never trusted me enough with it in the first place, so much so, that you thought you had to find it online so that I wouldn't hurt your precious mug."

You softly, but firmly, push the original mug into Natasha's hand and step back. You turn to go upstairs and inevitably lock yourself in the bathroom or something, but Nat says, "Y/n wait! I- I didn't mean it, I was just angry, okay? People say things that they don't mean when they get angry."

You huff and turn around and hold up your pointer finger, "No Natasha, you’re lying to me, want to know how I know that you are lying? Natasha Romanoff does not say hurtful things when she gets angry. Maybe I do, maybe Yelena and Tony and Steve and Alexie and so many others do, but not Natasha. No..."

You pause and start using every name in the book you can come up with, "Natalie Rushman stays calm and collected when she is angry, Fanny Longbottom takes a step back and thinks before she speaks, Natalia Romanova is calculative and smooth with her words. So, no... Do not tell me that MY Natalia Alianovna Romanova has suddenly had a change of heart, and suddenly starts spewing nonsense that she doesn't mean when she is angry, because that is a lie. The Nat I know, has more self-control than anyone on this earth, the Talia I know does not say something that she doesn't mean unless she knows I will catch her joke or understand her sarcasm, the Natty I know doesn't lie for things like this. So don't go and say something just to make me feel better after you spoke your truth, even if it did hurt my feelings..."

You take a deep breath and look deep into her eyes, "And before you say it, I know I have no right to be hurt over how you felt when I broke your mug, but you and I both know it goes so much deeper than just a mug. I get why you were angry and frustrated, I really do, and I understand why you said those hurtful things, you had every right to do it. Those hurtful things were at least truthful, I just wish you didn't feel the need to lie to save my peace. I wish you'd have told me that you didn't trust me with something that meant so much to you. It probably would have saved a lot of hurt."

She opens and closes her mouth to try and come up with something. Anything. She sighs eventually and nods her head, “you’re right. I should have just told you, it’s no excuse but I thought it would be better if I kept it a secret, but now I see that I was wrong. I'm sorry baby."

You hum and say, "Honestly, I'd have done the same thing. So, sorry for getting all pissy about it, you were just trying to look out for me, but unfortunately it was a lose-lose situation for the both of us." Thankfully, your ADHD brain jumps topics swiftly when there is an awkward pause, and you say, "I'm hungry. Are you hungry? Let's make dinner!"

You both go upstairs and start cooking y'alls dinner and live happily ever after. ;)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Hey guys, so this has been in my drafts for a few weeks now, and I am just really trying to get it out to y'all, so it is super rushed at the end. I honestly don't even remember where I was going with it, but I had enough to bullshit it. I hope y'all like it!

Also, I am going to stop writing for a while, I think college is really catching up to me, and honestly, I am only apologizing to the people who I promised I'd write their fics. I really got in over my head and I am so so sorry. If I end up writing those fics, it is definitely going to be a surprise for the both of us. I might write a few things every now and then, or if your request can be shortened then I might do that. BUT that is only if I am inspired to write. Once again, I do apologize for breaking a promise, but I have to prioritize myself and I can't apologize for that.

Also Also, I have not been super active on tumblr recently, so if I don't reply or I am not interacting with your posts as I usually would, I am okay, and I pinky promise I am not going to do anything concerning. Maybe I break my normal promises, but you best believe I hold true to my pinky promises.

Masterlist

Taglist

@ilovesnat @ihartnat @marvelnatasha12346 @moistblobfish @justarandomreaderxoxo @lovelyy-moonlight @symp4nat @ale-estrabao @mrsrushman @kkreader78o @cheekysnake

[worldsover]

Will we ever get a sequel for Heejin's birthday fic? Just asking btw

Sorry. I am allergic to completing tasks to 100%. For example, as I mentioned in its author notes, there was never even meant to be a sequel since this was supposed to be one story, but instead I posted the incomplete version because the alternative was no story for her birthday. That being said, I do at least have a bit more written, so the same thing applies here: it's unfinished, but at least it's something?

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Heejin Birthday Fic cont.

~2.5k words, incomplete draft of the continuation to Transcendence/Pareidolia ft. Heejin

This wasn't fun. Well, it's a little fun. All the games the two of you play.

The best/worst part are all the videos she sends. She starts with the typical: eating an ice cream cone, having cream drip on her fingers; covering herself with oil and rubbing it over her entire body; holding a vibrator to her clit, waiting for your text about what position you want her in; showing her sopping pussy from various angles, and you can tell exactly which angle she sent you and why.

And then her videos get dirtier. There's Heejin on a vertical video, sitting on her bed, dildo deep inside her pussy, just talking. She talks about how she imagines your cock sliding in and out of her pussy, ramming her g-spot and fucking her senseless, while your fingers rub her clit and your mouth suck her tits. You would fill her up with your cum, dripping out of her pussy, down her legs. Then she would get the taste of your cock as she cleans it with her mouth, and how the cum mixing with her juices would taste even better as she slurps it all up. Heejin has a gift for describing things with vivid detail. You never realized just how eloquent her tongue could be. You can't wait until it's on yours again.

There are the times you meet and end up making out and nearly fucking, but you manage to stop. You keep each other on the brink. Sometimes you want to rip each other's clothes off and ravage the other right then and there, and your hearts would race at the thought of all the consequences and dangers involved with doing it outside. But you had to be patient; you were the one who suggested waiting, after all.

But the weeks pass, and you grow restless. You can't wait to claim Heejin as yours, in the most intimate way possible.

And finally, October 19 arrives.

✦✧✦✧✦✧

The restaurant is a small, cozy establishment, with warm lighting and ambient music. You and Heejin are dressed in semi-formal attire, and you admire how beautiful she looks in her black dress, with a slit up the thigh that shows off her perfect legs. You're both a little giddy with anticipation. You feel like it's Christmas, ready to open the ultimate present, even if she's the birthday girl here.

As you sit at the table, Heejin's phone lights up with birthday messages from her friends, and you can't help but wonder what they would think if they knew about you two.

"Wow, you're popular."

She giggles. "I know, it's silly. But, it's kinda sweet."

You take a sip of water. "You know, Heejin, it's been fun, these last couple of weeks, edging. I've never gone this long."

Heejin scoffs. "You're one to talk. It's been hell for me."

"I believe you."

You start to eat your food. The flavors are rich and savory, and the portions are generous. The two of you chat about the usual stuff, like work and your family and the newest set of anime coming out, but no matter how you try, you can't resist being glued to her every touch. Her finger absentmindedly twirls around a strand of hair. Her thighs shift in her seat. A napkin wipes the side of her mouth. The candlelight, and the warmth of the establishment makes her glow, and you're hopelessly under her spell.

Of course, her heel brushing against your inner thigh doesn't help.

"You seem tense," she says.

"Great observation."

"You know, for some reason, I don't feel that full, even after all I ate."

"You wanna go to another restaurant or something?"

Heejin rolls her eyes. "That's not what I'm hungry for."

Your mouth rounds to a circle.

She rubs her heel on your pants. "What?"

You throw the napkin on the table and stand up. "Excuse me, I have to use the restroom."

Heejin bites her lip as you walk away. You enter the bathroom. It's its own individual room, fancy and well-kept. You walk up to the sink and splash cold water on your face, sighing.

You use the toilet. Then, you use your phone to find the nearest hotel and its nearest vacancy. Can't even wait to bring her home. You text her your plan for the night.

Seems even that is too much waiting. A knock. She texts you back.

> open the door.

You gulp. You do, and Heejin steps in, her breathing erratic, her smile mischievous. She pulls you by your tie for a kiss, shoving you against the door. Your tongue and hers are tangling, and you reach for her breast. Your knee is lifting her skirt, and she's grinding against it.

"Heejin," you say, "we gotta, we gotta go somewhere else."

"I can kneel here." And she does just that. "We can make this quick."

She unbuckles your pants and frees your cock, your limp-cock instantly hard in the warmth of her mouth, instantly in the back of her throat.

"Heejin, no, wait, we were saving..."

Pop. "Oh, what, like you don't wanna blow your load down my throat and cum all over my tits and face?"

She's pumping, her fingers slick and tight around your shaft, your cockhead rubbing against her face. She sucks on your balls.

"I bet you'd absolutely ruin this fucking dress with your load."

In the next five minutes, Heejin proceeds to slather your cock in her spit while sucking you down with best blowjob you've ever received. Her lips and tongue are tight, and the heat of her mouth and the vacuum of her suction feels so divine around your cock. And her moans, oh, fuck, how you missed her moans around your shaft. The vibrations tickle your skin and your nerves. You're thankful for the door and the weight of your body preventing the two of you from collapsing, because the pleasure is making your knees weak. And if that wasn't enough, Heejin is relentless in her dirty talk and her sucking.

"God, your cock is fucking amazing. I wanna drink your cum forever. I wish you could shoot your cum deep in my pussy, fill me up. I can't wait to get your cock in my cunt."

She bobs faster, deeper, sucking more intensely. You're about to burst. She knows. Heejin reaches between your legs and squeezes your balls.

Then, she pulls back. Pop. "So, where's the hotel?"

✦✧✦✧✦✧

You pay for your meals, and then you're on the way to the hotel. It's a short taxi ride away, and the two of you keep your hands to yourself.

Once you're in the elevator, you hold Heejin's waist, and she faces you, giggling.

"What?" you ask.

"Nothing," she says. "Just… happy."

You lean down to kiss her. "Have I told you enough that you're the prettiest girl on the planet?"

"A couple times." She kisses back. "I don't mind you telling me more."

You brush strands of hair away from her face. She puts her hands on your face. Your hand slides up her waist to cup her cheek. She runs her thumb across your bottom lip.

Ding. The elevator doors open, and you step into the hallway. Your room is a few steps down, and you unlock the door.

It's a basic suite, and you don't waste time, dropping your stuff, locking the door, and moving to the bed, pushing Heejin down and kneeling to her height.

She giggles. "Gotta catch up, huh?"

You slide her shoes off her feet, then your own. Then, you slip your hands under her dress and hook a finger on her panties, moving them down her legs. All the while, she takes off your suit jacket and undoes your belt. You move Heejin's panties completely off her ankles. They're soaked. She lies down on the bed.

Your cock is throbbing, but you can't stop staring at the view.

She blushes. "N-no, no more edging. Please. I need to cum, so, so fucking bad. I need you in me, right fucking now."

You swallow. "Don't worry. I'll be inside you soon enough. Just, lemme get a good look of your body first."

Heejin smiles. "My body, huh? What, what's so special about it?"

"Everything."

You're on top of Heejin now, caressing her face.

"Everything," you repeat. You lower your head. "Especially your eyes." You lower your head again. "And your lips." You kiss them. "And your neck." You kiss. She moans. You continue kissing downwards, licking along her collarbone, nibbling on the side of her throat, biting her shoulder. Then you lick the valley between her breasts, pull down the neckline of her dress, and lick circles on her nipples. You hike up the hem of dres to reach a hand to her pussy. "And, this." You rub her lips.

She moans. "What… about that?"

You crawl lower, your face between her legs. You spread her lips, already wet, and you stick your tongue inside her hole. "The prettiest pussy I've ever seen." You lick up her slit.

Heejin grabs your hair and pulls you. "I'm sorry, but I can't wait anymore. Fuck me."

You wipe your mouth. "Yeah, yeah, sorry."

"Just… put it in me already."

You get on your knees and rub your cockhead against Heejin's lips, smearing pre-cum. You rub it around her clit, and she shudders, whimpering.

Heejin pushes on your chest. "Wait, hold on, sit up. I wanna watch. Please. Your cock… entering me. I can't wait to see it."

You nod. Heejin sits up too. You grab Heejin's thighs and spread them. Your cockhead rubs against Heejin's entrance again.

"Holy shit, holy shit," she says.

You lick your lips. You push your cock into Heejin's hole, and your head is swimming in her heat, her wetness. Her pussy is already sucking you in, and Heejin is already moaning, and her whole body is already trembling.

"Shit, Heejin, you're already going to cum?"

She nods. "Yes! I'm sorry, it's just, you're finally, finally inside me. I've dreamed about this, so many times, and now it's happening."

"Me too. It's fine, it's fine." You pull back, and then you thrust again, a bit deeper, and Heejin shudders again. "Holy shit."

You pump slowly, Heejin moaning louder and louder, her pussy squeezing you tighter and tighter. Your grip on her thighs is tight, and you push her down, burying your cock deeper. Her back arches, and you start thrusting faster. You grunt. Heejin's pussy is milking your cock, sucking you deeper, and you're pounding her cunt, her moans and your grunts filling the room, until she lets out a scream, a high-pitched, satisfied noise, and her walls are convulsing. And just as you said, you empty your load deep inside her, rope after rope, a thick batch of semen pooling in her hole and leaking past your shaft.

"Holy… shit," she says. Heejin's trying to catch her breath. She looks up at you, a slight smirk on her face. "You're still hard, right?"

You look down. You're still hard.

Even though her legs writhe and her toes curl, she fucks herself into your shaft, covering it in more and more cream.

"Fucking, hell, Heejin, just like that?" You clench your jaw.

"Yeah. Yeah, we just started. I love watching you pump your cock in and out of my pussy, seeing it get all sloppy."

You chuckle. "Slut."

"For you." She wraps her legs around your waist, her arms around your back. "Wreck me."

You can do nothing but comply. Heejin's eyes roll back, her lips tremble, and her nails dig into your back, and you fuck her, you fuck Heejin, hard. Using your own creampie as lube, your cock plunges and slams inside Heejin's pussy, over and over. You pick her up from the bed and pound into her as you carry her around the room, making loud wet slaps fill the air. Then, you set her down on the desk, gripping her shoulders, and the room shakes with your thrusts.

Heejin screams and babbles. You're about to cum again already, and so is she. You love her expression, like she's completely drunk to your cock as she loses herself to the pleasure of it stuffing her, pushing your first creampie out just to fill her up again. You're sure she can feel your heartbeat from how far your cock is in her womb. You slow down, then you pull out. Heejin's pussy is drooling cum, and she lies flat on the desk. Your head is so light that you only just now realize you're still cumming, so you jack off onto her body, mainly covering her dress in cum, though some of it reaches her chin. Heejin promptly licks that clean.

"Why," she says. "Why'd you stop? You're, you're still hard. Please."

"Turn around. Get on your hands and knees."

She obeys. "Yes, sir," she says, and you like the way she says that.

You grab Heejin's waist, and then you slam into her pussy. Your pace is just as brutal as when you started the night. Turns out that edging for weeks, then cumming inside a woman's tight pussy, then pulling out and painting her in your cum is more than enough to keep your cock rock hard, and Heejin is more than eager to have your cock pounding her hole as many times as you want.

After the fourth round, your fifth climax, Heejin is a mess on the bed, and so is your cock. It's covered in her cum and your cum and some of her saliva, and her tongue is lazily circling your cockhead while she rests her head on your thighs.

"Do you, do you want to keep going?"

Heejin nods. "Why? Are you tired?"

"I mean, I'm pretty sure I have another few in me. But my abs are killing me."

"Oh yeah? You should try doing planks."

"The way you do them? Yeah, ri—" You're interrupted when Heejin climbs up your body and grabs your cock. You flinch. "No, wait, wait, wait. Wait, Heejin."

"Are you afraid?"

You gulp. "Very."

"I promise it won't hurt. It'll be fun."

When Heejin says it, you believe her. "Fine. Go for it."

Heejin grins. "Awesome." As she positions herself over your shaft, the creampie you filled her with starts to leak onto your stomach, and she holds your cock to point it up towards her hole. She lowers her pussy, and your cock enters her again. She rides you, holding your cock by the base so that the entire time, you feel the entirety of her tunnel envelop you, and your cum is squishing all over her insides.

✦✧✦✧✦✧

If I do get around to finishing the story, I will probably delete this and the initial version of Transcendence, post the full version instead. Big if.

[pub-lius]

hiiii :3

i just read your response to an ask about your reason for disliking ron chernow’s alexander hamilton book, and i wanted to ask if i can still use it as source for some info. i’ve done my fair share of research on various topics and my opinions/what i’ve read differentiated strongly sometimes from what he wrote, but some things are just hard to come by (as somebody not from the US who doesn’t have local resources and has to rely on stuff i can find online). what do you suggest i do if i want more accurate info? i know the founders archive but other than that i haven’t found a lot of trustworthy sources concerning the amrev that aren’t $300 textbooks?

idk- sorry this is really long :,) i’m not sure in im making any sense haha

Girl have you seen the length of my posts? This is not long at all, and you make perfect sense.

And if you have seen my posts, you may notice that Chernow is my most frequent citation because of how valuable his biographies are as sources. He does intensely thorough research and his index and bibliography are so extensive, I can’t even make a joke about getting them as a tramp stamp.

Chernow is a great source and I do recommend any starting Hamilton scholar to get a copy, if you have the means and patience. The downfalls of it are its a hard read and his personal interpretations are heavily skewed and biased in various directions, which is only different from other historians because he doesn’t give proper evidence and substantiation to these claims. All you need to have in order to recognize this is basic critical thinking skills. Tl;dr: Chernow is a great source, he’s just fucking annoying and I hate him.

One very good thing about Chernow is that his book is so (painfully) extensive, that it can serve as a source for more than just Hamilton, so there’s no shame in using him as a source for *checks notes* how the island of St. Kitts and Nevis was formed from a volcano, if you’re into that.

I see your inability to access US propaganda and I raise you youtube documentaries. That may sound crazy, but you can put it on in the background and cross reference between them (usually repeated details are closest to the truth). They can also be entertaining, especially if they’re from the 80s (i love the 80s). Additionally, if you’re looking for archives, @maip--macrothorax can tell you all the benefits of Internet Archive (if they aren’t too busy borrowing all of the books on there /lh). You can also find a lot of things on the Library of Congress’s website, and also my favorite governmental department:

THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE!!

Go to the national park service, it includes all the battlefields, important buildings, where important buildings used to be, the houses of historical figures, and really pretty parks (also like mount gaymore (rushmore) and shit but wtvr). They have tons of information and great archivists and librarians and i long for their jobs. Also, American Battlefield Trust, Mount Vernon, The Museum of the American Revolution, etc. also have great sources and tons of information- along with wonderful reenactments that they have on youtube!!

I also do my best to make these sources as accessible as possible, so if you do some perusing you might be able to find some of this stuff here, but I am always happy to answer asks with links or research though I am very slow (sorry). And of course, my dms are open and I probably wouldn’t be totally infuriated if you found me at my local library and asked for directions to the non-fiction section. I am the personal librarian of tumblr.com, so ask away and I’ll be there!!

[salchat]

So, here's another Dean. This one's in neocolor crayon, which are very soft crayons - you can use water with them, but I haven't here, because the paper's newsprint and it would fall to pieces very quickly if I used water.

While I was drawing, I was pondering various arty matters. Mainly, how some art/craft posts - mostly on Facebook rather than here - irritate the hell out of me. You know the ones. Where there's some amazing piece of art/craft, but the caption is something like, 'please be kind - it's my first time!' When it's blatantly not their first time, unless art and craft is just plain easy, which it isn't. Anyway, I'm not sure why people make those posts - for others to comment how amazing they are? I suppose. But it must be pretty hollow to receive such compliments. Unless it really is their first time. And even then...

So, anyway, it made me think, why do I post my art? What exactly do I get out of it? Do I do it to receive validation in the form of compliments? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, but I just wanted to be really honest with myself. And also, why do I make art in the first place and why this particular type of art, drawing the same characters over and over?

Well, I think I draw for the same, or similar reasons that I write - because it's my own world, that I can control. There's comfort there, isn't there? And comfort in the characters I draw and write about - they're not called comfort characters for nothing, after all. And they're beautiful, aren't they? They're just damn beautiful. Why wouldn't I want to draw them?

So, I guess I want to pour my love into creating something beautiful, or as near beauty as I can get. And I choose to do that with my crayons or my charcoal or my pastels because I love those things too - their colours, the way they spread, the way you can make big, soft marks or sharp, dark marks, the way you can smush them around with your fingers, the way you can just mess about and sometimes it doesn't work and sometimes you get an amazing effect that you didn't know was possible. I love drawing randomly, roughly, searching and searching until I find what I want.

But why post online? Hmm... Well, yes, it is nice when people think what I've created is technically skilful. I have an ego that likes to be stroked, same as anyone else. But if that was the only reason, I'd probably cheat. Some people do. And if that makes them happy, who am I to criticize?

Anyway, I think what I'm after is connection, which is in no way an original thought. That's what makes fandom so wonderful, isn't it? The way you can find connections with other people all over the world. I think when I post, I'm looking for people who love the same kinds of things that I do - the same characters, obviously, but also the same kind of approach to art. The colours and the roughness, the playfulness and the 'continuing mission' to find beauty. I think I post in the hopes that someone will see my art and think, 'hey, I like that.' And that they'll feel a little spark of joy.

I think that's what all our fan creations are about. You get the firework of joy and excitement that goes off when you create your story or your picture and then, around the fandom world, other people get a spark struck from your joy. Which is pretty flowery stuff, but, hey - I'm a writer, aren't I?

That's enough rambling. Nearly. Because I also want to do the thing I often do, which is totally anti the 'it's my first time!' kind of posts. This is very far from my first time and I want you to see the crappiness of my progress shots, because it's important to know that there's almost always a lot of crappy stages before you reach something you consider beautiful. Not perfect. I'm not after perfection, which is impossible anyway, and I would never say any of my stuff is perfect because it's far from perfect and I don't want that - I want life and humanity and striving toward something.

I'm gonna shut up now, because there are burgers to be cooked and chocolate cake to be eaten, and hey! Doctor Who's on soon! Bye!

[tkaulitzlvr]

loved your new fic :) was wondering if you could possibly make a part two of it that would just be the morning after with lots of fluff n cute stuff as they just got back together?

obviously it’s absolutely your choice & there is no rush at all <3

SORRY (2) - T. KAULITZ

synopsis: for the first time in over a month, you wake up beside tom. at first, you are unsure of what to make of the situation, tom quick to reassure you.

content: fluff

a/n: thanku so much!! part 2 to this - i feel like i hardly write fluff and all my page is smut (it gets a little boring sometimes) so decided to write this req to compensate for the lack of fluff i post. this is something a little short, but hope u enjoy!! 💞

warmth. the first thing i am able to register when my body begins to stir, eyes fluttering open and shut on the verge of consciousness is the heat that envelops my skin. the feeling is foreign, almost new to me, though somewhere within the haze i find the familiarity of it all, gaze slowly falling downward to find a pair of arms wrapped securely around my waist, the person who they belong to also just as close, soft breathing tickling the skin of my neck as his head rests beside it. i probably would pay little attention to the increase in temperature as i wake, if i hadn’t done so alone the past month, usually greeted with the harsh realisation that tom wasn’t mine anymore - until now.

but i don’t feel secure, nor happy, that i wake up beside the man that i love, as i had thought i would if the day ever came that i managed to get him back. instead, i feel strangely out of place, thousands of questions circling my mind as this situation leaves me more confused than ever. sure, i remember the night we shared, the passion, the raw emotion - it is one that cannot be mistaken for anything but truth, because if tom was lying about what he had told me, then god, he’s a pretty fucking good actor. hell, even i couldn’t brush his words aside ‘they weren’t you’. how could i? he had told me exactly what i wanted to hear, and yet i lay here, not as ecstatic as i should be, my heart failing to burst with joy at the sudden confession that he still loves me. he knows that he leads me blindly, his words sweet as honey, meaningful as gospel, igniting the dull flame within me whether they were true or not - i am far too devoted to consider their credibility.

tom however, clearly isn’t overthinking half as much as i am. his mouth agape, obnoxiously loud snores escaping from it, his body tangled within the sheets and my own - he probably wouldn’t notice if a burglary happened right next to him. hesitant to wake him, the idea of facing the awkwardness that will arise from whatever happened last night makes my stomach churn with utter dread. so i lay silently, eyes fixed to the ceiling, looking for any distraction from my wondering mind, though the quiet doesn’t help, fuelling the ‘what if’s’ that continue to give me nothing but a massive headache, eager for the remedy that is his consolation.

the secure grip around my waist begins to tighten, too much for it to be accidental. silently praying that he is just stirring in his sleep, my body stays still, head betraying my mind as it slowly turns to face him, only to be met with his own eyes fluttering open, a low groan leaving his lips as he stretches out.

“morning leibe.” he states so nonchalantly it is almost like we had never broken up, his lips nearing my own as they attempt to pull me into a kiss. i turn my head, slightly hesitant to melt into his embrace, unsure of what we are right now, the questions in my mind far too important to be ignored, even when his lips are so close to mine, soft and pink, almost gravitating me toward them against my will.

his eyebrows furrow at my rejection, arms slowly moving away from my waist, instead resting a gentle hand against my hip as he speaks. “what’s wrong? did i do something?”

my heart breaks, tugging at the strings at his confusion. honestly, he hadn’t done anything wrong - not right now anyway. i don’t know what we are, and that thought scares me, more than he realises at first glance. i have always been this way, liking answers to be clear, on paper, with zero doubt of them being interpreted differently. so this situation is a nightmare come true, tom’s intentions, though seemingly clear last night, still a hazy blur amidst the thoughts piling in my mind. and i hate leaving him in the dark, though he is unconsciously doing the same to me right now. but i know that it isn’t fair to shut him out as i always do, deciding to speaking my feelings, whether things end well or not.

“i just- i don’t know what we are. did you want me for a quick fuck last night, or-”

“you really think i want you for a quick fuck?” he asks, voice low and soft, lacking any anger within it as i had expected. instead, he remains calm, hands tentatively reaching upward to cup my cheeks, my entire face resting within his heavy palms. his thumb slowly strokes the skin next to my lips, face inches away from my own as the soft breaths escaping his mouth fan against my cheeks.

my silence speaks volumes - letting him know how confusing this whole thing is to me, though it seems the lack of clarity is clearly one sided: tom’s brows furrowed, eyes slightly narrowed as his mouth parts, little sound escaping from it. but my silence, whilst surprising to him, is equally precious, because it buys him time to continue. his hold on me strong, yet his words slow and soft as they pour from his lips turn out to be the most beautiful - and somehow reassuring, contrast imaginable, especially when in this moment, i desperately clutch onto any comfort that he shows. and, luckily for me, he intends to remind me that my worries are mere delusions - his confession music to my ears.

“schatz…c’mon, you know you’re more than that to me.” he seems at a loss for words, tongue swiping nervously across his bottom lip between words, knocking the small metal ring that adorns it to the side, playing with it in an irregular motion, his eyes just as skittish.

silence indulges the room as he awaits my response, his eyes scanning my expression almost desperately, the same way i had looked at him moments ago, the roles reversing far quicker than i had expected. he is waiting on me, seeking my reassurance, his statement coming out as more of a question, though it seems directed to the both of us. he is asking himself the same thing - soon realising that he is equally as keen to receive consolation as i am.

“i don’t know it’s just- weird, i guess? i’m not over it. i tried to act like i was, but look where i ended up, at some shitty club with a random guy at my hip.” each words that falls from my lips becomes harder to say, soon realising that this is the first time i have spoken about how i truly feel after we parted. feelings change, people move on and time continues to run its course, but none of that had happened, my soul just as empty as it had been the second he left. my expression mirrors my emotions, tears soon building around the brim of my eyes, threatening to spill from them with another word. but i take that chance, knowing that i am in far too deep to keep anything left unsaid - especially when he is here, and i have him listening, really taking in my words, instead of brushing them off as he did before. “and i can’t go through having my heart broken again. once was enough, don’t break my heart again, please.”

“baby…” he trails off, his arms wrapping tightly around my trembling frame, body following as it presses against mine, soothing me in the way i wanted, no, needed. truthfully, my confession couldn’t be taken as a complete surprise. i know it, and tom knows it too, his brief silence proving that he wants to try, the small circles trailed along my back temporarily taking away the pain, giving him the time to think about what he is saying, to properly consider his choice of words, rather than spewing out anything that will console me.

a minute passes, heavy breaths escaping from my lips, masked within the small sobs soon mixing into the soft air until they eventually turn into silence, my eyes soon drying, thin red lines stretched across the sea of white surrounding my irises, in place of the saltiness of my tears. it is at that moment when his face appears from my shoulder where it had once been resting, lips nearing my cheeks as they slowly, oh so slowly, begin kissing away the remnants of dried tears, gently making any evidence of my sorrow disappear, replacing them with the tender consolation of his company, though now it is beyond that - his kisses show far more than the reminder that he is here with me, they show that his love is there too, far stronger than his presence alone.

“i love you. i love you so much. never doubt that for a second. when you think you’ve lost everything, you’ll never lose my love for you. i could live a thousand lifetimes, and it would still be you.” it is clear that he means it this time, but if his words themselves hadn’t made that obvious, then the kiss that he places onto my lips afterward reaffirms their truth, compelling me to kiss back as soon as i am able to process the feeling of his lips, soft and pillowy, on my own.

this is love. not two people pretending to show affection, blinded by lust over true passion. because before tom, i realise that i had no knowledge of the word. the way his lips move slowly against mine, no sexual intent behind the kiss, drives me further and further into the abyss that is his love, devoted to him whether it is good for me or not. i am far too blind to be able to distinguish between right or wrong, my heart and soul in total agreement that he is the one, regardless of the fact that moments ago, i was unsure. all it takes is his reassurance, his lips on my own, to understand that nobody else is capable of making me feel this way.

seconds feel like hours, the entire concept of time slipping away as i latch onto him, lips becoming pink and swollen as they collide messily, unable to part despite the feeling of breathless that soon takes over. it didn’t matter, none of it did, because tom is my oxygen, and as long as i am able to feel his soft lips on my own, nothing else seems important. moments like these are unable to be recreated, heat rising between us, yet the distance only decreases, until my body is on top of his, tangled within the sheets, kisses soft despite the strong hold he maintains on my hips.

even when our lips separate, our foreheads remain rested against each other’s, content smiles spread across our faces, nothing needing to be said as our expressions sum everything up. his hand moves upward, running softly through my hair, removing loose strands that had found their way onto my face, tucking them slowly behind my ear. for the first time, i am not worried. i don’t waste a second considering ‘what if…’ or ‘what about…’, because it doesn’t matter to me, and once a peaceful silence envelops the both of us, it quickly becomes real, all of it - from the soft kisses, to the sincere confessions: love, there are countless ways to display it, but nobody seemed to get it right, until tom.

his fingers jab playfully into my sides, disturbing the peaceful moment, though it doesn’t alter my mood, a wider smile spreading across my face as i squirm above him, hitting his chest whilst small giggles leave my lips. in one swift motion, he manages to flip us over, somehow dragging the covers over the both of us in the process, his body now on top of my own. the same smile that fails to falter on my own face now spreads across his, though it doesn’t last as long, his mouth opening to speak whilst his hands run up and down my waist rhythmically.

“how does breakfast sound? whatever you like.” he lifts up, moving off of me and to the side, bringing my body closer to him, his arms snaking around my waist comfortingly, lips placing a quick kiss onto my forehead. “let me take you out today. shopping maybe? or what about that pizza place you like?”

“hm, i’ll take you up on breakfast. but can we stay here today? i’m tired, and i forgot how comfy your bed is.” i chuckle quietly, allowing the soft sheets to envelop me further, consequently snuggling closer into tom’s embrace, his body accepting my proximity as he wraps his arms tighter around me.

he laughs lowly at my words, nodding slowly against me, his head tilting to the side as his lips plant a firm kiss into my hair. “sure, anything you want schatz.” i smile contently at his response, sighing softly in relief, closing my eyes at the feeling of peace that soon takes over, careful not to take any of it for granted, relishing every second that i remain within his arms.

and he sticks to his promise. our bodies remain tangled together, wrapped up within the sheets until the familiar blend of oranges and pinks leak through a small gap in the curtains, casting its light throughout the room, somehow highlighting tom’s features in the most beautiful way possible, from the soft pools of brown that are his eyes, to his skin, so smooth it resembles silk itself, the golden rays melting onto his lips, still a light shade of red, decorated with the small metal ring that i have seen so many times. it is perfect: sharing ‘quick’ kisses - though they never ended that way, tom insisting on deepening them until we had to pull away, warm and breathless, meaningless conversations, soft laughter sounding throughout the room, filling the thick air with a reminder of our love for each other. the day ends the same way that it had began, my legs tangled within tom’s, arm draped lazily across his chest, his fingers running soothingly up and down my waist, lips planting quick kisses wherever they are able to gain access to. and, like clockwork, those lips utter the same words they had just hours ago, with the same truthfulness behind them as the first time they had been spoken, only this time, i am certain that he means it.

“i love you, schatz.”

requests are open! keep sending them in!!

[btstulip]

Wait, what did I just watch?!

When I first became interested in BTS, it was because my Facebook algorithms thought I might be interested in them and kept showing me fun videos. They were not wrong and I got sucked into watching BTS more and more.

As you can imagine, I quickly started getting fed videos of popular ships... mostly Taekook. Being new to BTS (and K-Pop and "ships" for that matter), there were definitely moments that I could admit looked like the actions you might see between romantic partners and it did get me wondering if any of the BTS members might actually be together. But I also knew close friends could sometimes look like a couple to people that don't understand their relationship. I have friends I kiss and cuddle with, but never once did I plan to date them. Add to the fact that I originally assumed some of this was just fanservice, something I no longer believe after much research here on Tumblr convinced me that BTS doesn't participate in traditional fanservice after their early debut stage. I knew it would take a lot to convince me any relationship was more than that of two very close people that cared about each other very much.

So I watched these Taekook and other videos with a lot of skepticism. I dismissed many of these videos right away as just playful people that enjoyed skinship with someone they were close to. But a couple caused me to find longer clips to check context. Most of these looked like nothing when played at full speed, uncut/edited, or with conversation context. And the more I watched of BTS, the more I could see how close and unique each of their relationships were. I loved how much they cared for each other and I wasn't invested in any of these guys having more than the close family relationship I could see they all shared. Still, I was curious if there was something all these fans knew about Tae and Jungkook that I didn't, so I kept looking.

I should add here that I was only days in to my BTS obsession research at this point. I had lost more sleep than I want to admit watching "one more video" for hours at a time desperately trying to answer the next burning curiosity, but still, I had only just started learning about the members of BTS. At this point, I absolutely believe all the BTS members care deeply for each other. They are family and have a bond I don't think any of us can really understand. These are 7 individuals that each share a unique bond with each other and as a whole. I don't think any relationship "competes" with another and each should be honored.

Though I wasn't expecting to be convinced that any of these members were actually dating, my desire to put context to these cute clips I kept seeing made me want to understand their relationships more... especially Tae and Jungkook because my video feed was FULL of these! I often found tumblr posts explaining the moments/relationships that gave me clues and insights about the members that I didn't have yet. The arguments I read for Taekook seemed possible, but I was sure there were similarly convincing arguments for all the ships. So I decided that I had to research the other ships to either prove or disprove that Tae and Jungkook actually had something extra.

I decided to start looking into Jimin and Jungkook. At the time, I just picked that "ship" first. But I am sure it was because I had already noticed how close those two are. Most of the stuff I dismissed, especially anything on stage. But I kept reading and watching "evidence", rinse and repeat. Definitely cute moments, eyebrow raising moments, some super questionable stuff on stage (2018 I am looking at you!), but I saw that stuff with Taekook too. I saw GCF Tokyo mentioned several times, how Jimin and Jungkook went to Tokyo together and Jungkook made a music video. And somehow this was amazing "proof", so I decided I should look that up.

The skeptic I am, I started watching and saw two guys that are very close, on a trip together, having fun. Lyrics talking about being there for each other. So cute! They are so close and this shows how much Jimin's friendship means to Jungkook. I loved it, but I could not understand how this was the ultimate proof everyone accepted. And then, 3 minutes in, when the video was almost over and I had basically decided it was about a beautiful bromance, it happened...

Boy, I'm holdin' onto something Won't let go of you for nothing I'm runnin', runnin' just to keep my hands on you

Eyebrows raises, well that is definitely romantic. And then, seconds later, my brain broke...

There was a time that I was so blue What I got to do to show you? I'm runnin', runnin' just to keep my hands on you Runnin', runnin' just to keep my hands on you

My jaw was on the floor. What did I just watch?!? That wasn't "proof", that was PROOF! There was no way to spin that other than a full on love confession. Did he actually do that? I can't believe any member of a K-pop group would do something so loud that is almost impossible to take any other way, unless you cover both eye and plug your ears!

I needed confirmation. More context. I read blogs all about GCG Tokyo and they delivered. Jikook fans gave me even more details, things I didn't understand because I was a BTS newborn (still a baby, maybe toddler, but growing quickly). Solo trip together on personal time, big deal. Jungkook recorded and edited the video, releasing it only a week later. Wow. Jungkook is a perfectionist that cares about his art and chose the song for a reason. Check. The song is by an openly gay artist? Why are we still discussing this?!

Still, I wanted an outside perspective. One not looking for this video to confirm anything with little context. So I made my sister watch it. Told her it was these two guys went on a trip together and one recorded and made this video. What did she think? "It's a love confession." Two of my kids also agreed... the third is a teenage boy that is horrified that his mom is obsessed spending all her time watching BTS and he refused to see it as anything other than someone saying "you need to be there for me too".

I suppose it's possible this was just about friendship. I suppose I could be wrong. I'm not Jungkook and unless he tells us, I will never know. But unless Jungkook denies it directly, you CAN NOT make me believe that video was anything other than one person telling another that they love them.

Sorry this post is SO LONG! I didn't expect it to be this long, but it was super fun. Thanks for sticking around and reading my TMI. <3

[yuukei-yikes]

Hey vinnie! Really love your comics! I was wondering, what's your process when it comes to drawing them? Do you come up with dialogue first or draw the figures and piece together the dialogue, and how do you go about doing layouts?

this ask reminded me i have a whole ass "process vid" of THIS COMIC from over a year ago where u can see exactly what i do to plan that comic lol this is embarrassing i never thought id share it so do NOT be mean

i was curious myself how it looked which is why i made it heh this is 50 min of footage in almost 2 mins and idk why my superhero movie is the song of choice this is from a while ago OK... u can see i literally have no idea what im doing i just DOODLE i just go for it

i talk some more under the cut i <3 art but i am a serial doodler

i use the power of imagination a whole lot bc i have a pretty busy life so when i get an idea im like working it out in my mind as i live my normal ass life. when i actually do sit down to make it, first i sketch it all and will usually write certain bits in each "page"

its pretty similar. but as u can see i tend to skip some dialogues that im like. meh ill figure it out later. i just write what i know i wanted to add. and then i figure out the rest when i get to it, or i even change up what i already got, which results in it not being super planned. for example here i made ayano repeat "this is something..." in both her dialogues and i didnt realize until i finished and read the whole thing over but i was lazy to change it heh... but that was bc i write as i go and u can tell in mistakes like that.

as for layouts... erm i barely make actual layouts. this is kind of the same process for everything LOL except sometimes i feel like making actual boxes to put the characters in, but otherwise u can see that the majority of my comics are just all over the place like this. during the sketch i do separate it but then i try to divide it with only the speach bubbles. the layout where i put little boxes is when i dont mind making many pages, bc it fits less stuff.

otherwose i tend to do stuff like this:

which looks a lot more crowded. the reason is, i post here and on twitter (more amphibia on twitter) and since u have a limited amount of pics u can post (here in tumblr it used to be 10 pics), i wanted to fit as much as possible in only 1 page so it wouldnt be too many pics, and it morphed into this sort of layout that i became used to.

im a Go For It kinda guy when it comes to drawing. i like doodling and sketching and going with whatever i got first. the only reason i dont start the comic right away and even do the sketching first is bc i want to figure out where ill put everything, not so much bc im worried abt the art looking better in one or the other. as u can see the art is very similar in both cases

[perplexingluciddreams]

Today is Mum's birthday!!

Sister is home from uni and she brought me my snack! (And she came into my room yesterday to say hello but I was stuck in my focus so I couldn't make myself look at her or give much attention ☹️). I got a hug!! 😊🥰 She is very cool with an awesome t-shirt and nose ring and beautiful hair. She always looks so put together and lovely. I love her so much.

I have settled into routine of wearing AFO braces on non-bath days. It is too much to do it every day, but I really want to do it... and the only way it is possible to keep up with is if it fits in my routine. So I told Mum all that and she suggested that I only wear them on non-bath days (because bath is very tiring and requires resting afterwards that whole day).

Mum got me new knee-high black socks! (for under braces). They are bamboo and completely seamless (necessary for sensory). They feel super soft and wonderful. I have major sensory issues with socks and shoes, but these socks is the best feelings socks I have maybe ever worn. And that is saying really a lot from me!

The velcro bits (for the elastic strap going over the top of my foot) kept falling off. Dad tried to fix it once but the glue didn't stick because the plastic of the braces is too smooth - it just popped right off again. He has fixed it better now and hopefully 🤞🏻 they will stay now!

I have been trying very hard with something else new - wearing sports bra. I need help with putting it on, but because it is "post surgery bra" with zip at the front, I can wiggle it off without taking t-shirt off (which means I don't need help for that!).

My chest is large and heavy. Causes a lot of pain and discomfort (both sensory and physical muscle pain). I am trying to make this less bad by spreading out the weight of my chest using sports bra. It is sensory very hard, and my ribs really really complain about the pressure of the band. But overall I think it is helping.

I am also looking online for other bras that could help... but finding any that fit my sensory needs as well as the size of my chest and the amount of support I need... it is fucking tricky, I'll say that. Also, any other ones that I see that look semi-promising, I would need much more help getting on and off.

I am used to getting help, and it is fine. I don't care about Mum seeing my boobs - she already helps me bathe and dress and sees me fully naked every other day (and half-naked all the days in-between) and all of that. Privacy is not the main "issue" here. And it is not really a huge "issue" at all.

But sometimes it is nice to have small little things that I have a wee bit independence with. It might not seem like much of anything to most people, but the fact that I can undo the zip on my bra, under my t-shirt, and have the motor planning and dexterity to pull my arms inside the t-shirt to wriggle out of the bra and then put arms back through the right holes - that is pretty huge for me!

It makes me feel more confident and capable. I don't have much confidence or self-belief. In part due to being as disabled as I am, and becoming more and more aware of my impairments and things I can't do, as I have gotten older.

So when there is added in a new thing in my routine, that requires more help... I just have feelings about it, I think. Especially because the gender stuff and dysphoria complicates things. And because it is yet another thing I am asking Mum to do, and I sometimes feel guilty and shameful about that. I don't really know what I am trying to say.

Regardless of the ramble above ^, I am very proud of how hard I am trying with these two new things. They are things that I can already feel the positive effect of, even though it is difficult to tolerate and takes so much brain capacity. I am really putting in so much effort to do good things for my body.

It is hard when something doesn't feel good or nice in the moment, but I know it will have positive later effect. I have trouble brain connecting the future effect with the current present unpleasantness. But I am doing it anyway, and for that I am proud and impressed with myself.

[thelittleangel]

Blind Date

tags: Castiel x male reader, fluff, angst, male reader,

warnings: possible OOC, angst, reference to past relationships that weren't great, reader gets stood up.

taglist:@agroovygoose @pumpkinhead666 @waywardseraph @wraith-posts

Part 2

When I agreed to do this, I didn't think there’d be this much waiting.  I thought he would have been here by now.  But sitting at the restaurant for thirty minutes seemed to me like he wasn’t coming.  

I made a deal with myself to wait another ten minutes and if he didn’t show up, I was going home.

Another five minutes, I sat, tearing up napkins.  

Three minutes pass.

“Screw it.” I mutter.

I grab my coat, dropping 5 bucks on the table.

On my way to the door, I bump into someone.  Turning to say “excuse me.”, my eyes meet with a familiar shade of blue.

“Hello.” 

“Hey, Cas.  What are you doing here?”

“Dean asked me to pick something up.  What are you doing here?”

“Nothing anymore.”

His lips shape into a frown.  “What’s nothing?”

“One of my friends set me up on a blind date.”

“How did it go?”

I breathe out a heavy sigh. “It didn’t.”

“He didn't show up?”

I shake my head.  He looks at me with what I guess is pity, and then back at the tables.  

“I’m sorry.”

I smile at him and shake my head.  “Don't be, it's not your fault.”

“May I sit with you?”

I look at him in confusion.  “Aren’t you picking something up for Dean?”

He smiles gently at me, “it can wait.”

I smile back at him, “Pie?”

He nods. “Pie.”

He gestures to the table I was just sitting at.  I look at the table and then back at him, “you sure?”

He nods.

I walk to the table, setting my stuff down.  He sits across from me.  We just watch each other awkwardly.  I don’t know what to say to him and I doubt he knows what to say to me.  I look down at my hands.  

“Why do you go on these dates?”

I breathe out a sigh.  “I honestly don’t know anymore.  I never have any luck, and when I do hit it off with someone, they never contact me again.  And I don't know if it's me or if it's just….”

We sit in silence for a moment, and I lean back into my seat, wallowing in sadness and self-pity.

“Can you look at me for a second?’

I look up at him, sure that I’m going to get some kind of stern expression and aggressive words to stop with the pity party.  And I know he wouldn’t do something like that, but it’s just a common occurrence that I've learned to expect from everybody.  But no, his expression is kind, his eyes are gentle.

“Even if you don’t can’t find someone who will love you right away, please don’t give up hope.  There are still people out there who care about you.”  

“I don’t really have a lot of people in my life, Cas.”

“You have Dean, and Sam, and you have me.  You have your friends.  Your family.  You’re not alone.”

“It feels like I am sometimes.”

“Because no one’s interested in you romantically.”

“Yes.” 

“How do you know that’s the case?”

“Because they never make an attempt to contact me after the first date, so I'm just left to wonder what I did wrong.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.  You just haven’t found the right person.”

I look down at my hands again.  He covers them with his own.  I look up at him again.  There’s sympathy there.  

I squeeze his hand and then let go.  I grab my stuff and head out.  

As I'm walking to my car, I hear footsteps behind me.  I turn and I see Cas.  

I force a smile onto my face.  “Hey Cas.  What’s up?”

He looks nervous.  I unlock my car and open the door.

“Before you left, I wanted to give you something.”

“What is it?”

He shifts his weight from one foot to the other.  “It’s a surprise.  I’m going to have to ask you to do something strange.”

I can feel my eyebrows scrunch together in confusion.  “Like what?”  

He looks away.  “I need you to close your eyes.”

“Are you sure you can’t just tell me?”

He looks back up at me, his expression serious.  “I’m sure.”

I sigh, closing my eyes.

I hear a shift, like he’s moving, maybe adjusting his coat.  He takes a step.  

I shift from one foot to the other.  Waiting. 

I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder, and I jump from the sudden and unexpected touch.  “Cas, what are you-”

His hand moves to my face, his thumb brushing my eyelashes gently.

He takes a step closer.

I feel his lips brush mine.

My eyes open wide, and I take a step back, but I realize it's all for nothing, because there’s no one in front of me.

[justporo]

Hey Poro. I don't recall you ever talking about your Tav. Do you have any posts about them or any cool info you wanna share? (Saw you were open to asks, so I thought I'd drop one hæhæ)

Oh yes, hello! I guess you're right. And that although she's the Tav in most all of my stories (especially my longform fics).

So let me introduce my wonderful girl to you. And yes: her name is indeed just Tav. Don't come for me - I didn't plan for any of this but now here we are. I am just Poro and she is just Tav.

I'm always happy about questions about my girl tho - I do have a background story and all flashed out for her. I just... never talked about it??

Oh, and she's been my profile pic from very early one, I am still in love with the wonderful drawing @azaani-art did of her!

Full Name: Tav (yes, that's it, maybe she takes on Ancunín sometime, eh?) Race: Woodelf Class: Ranger (Urban tracker background) Height: 5'5 Pronouns: She/Her

More about her personality and backstory below the cut!

Personality: She's witty, rebellious, will stab you if the need arises or pickpocket all your gold if you're mean to her. But she still believes that there's ultimately good in the world. A hope that sometimes makes her take stupid and naive risks. And never has she experienced a love like she has with Astarion - and she's sure she'll never will again. Might be it started as a silly crush because she never experienced someone giving her this kind of attention, but now... She'd kill for him and die for him - although she'd very much prefer the first.

Story: Tav was the daughter to a loveless affair of a very high-up wood elf noble, her father, and her high-elf mother from Baldur's Gate. Immediately abandoned by her mother after birth on the steps of a cloister in the city where she spent the first few years of her life. A life where she was treated harshly from the very first steps on she could take. So still being a child, she fled the abuse and started to live on the streets of Baldur's Gate where she not only had to grow up quickly but learn how to be proficient with sleight of hand, stealth and running away as fast as possible when the former two skills weren't enough. She always did what it takes even though it meant making objectively stupid decisions. She's hardened, cold, with a sharp tongue and violent if need be to those she perceives as a threat because you had to be if you didn't want to be taken advantage off as a woman. But this also means she's made herself unapproachable, so never really has she experienced someone giving her attention for anything but her skillset, complimenting her, wooing her. But to those she perceives as her friends or close ones she's a helpless people-pleaser and pushover rising from a desperate desire to not be left alone again; deeply believing she's only worth as much as she can be of use. She joined a band of thieves for which she and her friends she found there took on highbrow heists - until the day Tav was taken and a parasite in her brain but much more a sassy vampire shook her and her beliefs to the core.

A few more funfacts:

the piercings she has, she's done herself (thank the gods she didn't die of an infection

the tattoos she has she had done very young when she felt rebellious after she first found out about her real father - back then she thought it would make her look fierce; now she knows it was a little stupid but they're a part of her now; Astarion likes to let his thumbs run along them and calls her his "little fiend"

her main role during her thieving times was stakeout and keeping an eye on the others from above with her bow - during long and boring stakeout times she picked up drawing as a hobby: she just drew what she saw, so she could keep an eye on stuff but also busy herself

the scar is from her time when she first fled the cloister and joined a group of street kids (all boys) and she was repeatedly forced to show how brave she was; always having to be at least twice as couragous as the others just to make up for her being a girl

she has a definite problem with authorities

and she could probably drink you under the table

she's not good at taking care of herself, so Astarion calls her his street cat - and has to teach her a thing or two about self-care

[not-tomorrow-satan-blog]

Just as a side note to everyone (I don't know who sees these, who reads them, and who cares. I also don't care how many people see and read these. If you're having a good day, that's awesome and I'm proud of you. Definitely keep scrolling, because a lot of my stuff cam get depressing. If you're having a bad day and need someone to tell you they're proud of you, that's what I'm here for.)

Anyways, if you've seen much or any of my posts, you'd probably get the impression that I'm fairly mental health focused. I am. I advocate strongly for positive mental health, especially online where anonymity is prevalent, because I know how bad mental health can get. I've been depressed (still am), I've had anxiety, I've wondered what's wrong with me because I can't fit in anywhere. I've dealt with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (not a great combination with depression), childhood emotional neglect, parentification and villification at the same time, somehow. I've looked at my future and asked myself, "I don't have anything to look forward to, so why do I care if I'm alive?"And answered that with "I don't. I really don't care if I'm alive or if I'm dead. I'll feel nothing either way". I've looked up the dosages of medications and prescriptions that could kill me. I've dreamed of falling asleep and never waking up. I've cut myself and hurt myself, emotionally and physically, because I thought that all I would ever amount to is a burden on others and a waste of time and energy. Hell, I still sometimes wonder what the point of being alive is (thankfully, it's less of a "I want to die" and more of a "Is there a purpose to it all, or are we just the newest dinosaurs, waiting for our asteroid,". All this is to say, I get it. I might not understand exactly what you're going through (there's some things that I will just never experience and so all I can do is offer support), but I get exactly how draining it is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, when every step you take seems to create a new obstacle for you to climb. That's why I make the posts that I do. If, when I was in my worst possible mindset, someone created something that I could look at and go "I'm not alone. I'm not exaggerating or spiraling or catastrophizing. Other people experience it too, and they understand." I probably would have still struggled, but not the way I have. I might not have wondered whether I'm exaggerating my mental state or my earlier years and gaslit myself into almost quitting therapy. So these posts are for anyone and everyone that needs a reminder to breathe, needs a distraction during stressful times, or even just needs an anonymous shoulder to cry on. I'm always here if you guys need something. I can't talk politics, religion, or anything else, for my mental health, but if you guys need to rant or talk through anything at all, I'm here.

As always, I'm proud of you. I hope to see everyone tomorrow. Be kind to each other, be kind to the earth, and most importantly, be kind to yourselves. I hope you either have a good day or a better one.

[anarchytaco]

NSFW Alphabet for Painis Cupcake

Here's what I have to say for myself:

Soldier is already hot on his own. Guro/cannibalism is pretty solid too (as long as it stays FICTIONAL). Then there's Painis Cupcake, who is an embodiment of both of those things.

This is not a joke post. Sorry to those of you who were hoping for that.

I'm highly doubtful that many people are going to relate to this. Sometimes, though, a woman has to get things out of her system.

18+ only: MINORS DNI

For AFAB readers

As weird as it may seem, the reader character is in fact consenting.

WARNINGS: cannibalism (reader character is being eaten alive), canon-typical violence, guro, gore, violent seggs, broken bones, "Dead Dove" stuff here

DISCLAIMER: I do not condone real-life acts of what's depicted here.

You've been warned. Good luck, everyone.

Aftercare

With splattered blood and tissue being all that remains of you, Painis takes his time licking the mess up. Once the floor and walls are spotless, he folds in his limbs before falling asleep in middle of his lair.

Body Part

His penis is his favorite physical trait; that could be why he calls himself "Painis Cupcake". Your flesh is what he most craves. Its unique tang and salty smell has him drooling. None of his previous meals have reached the same level as your taste. He's also quite curious about how your muscles and inner fat provide your skin with a certain shape. "How will she look", he wonders, "Once I've stripped away all her flesh?"

Cum

Painis pulls out and spews out enough semen to fill an entire bath tub. He rubs it into your skin, then shoves it far into your holes and down your throat. This helps enhance the flavor.

Dirty Secret

If possible, he'd only nibble a bit off you per day, so that he can savor you for a long time. Unfortunately, his hunger is just too strong.

Experience

Due to his unknown past, it's hard to say if Painis has had any sexual experiences. With his powerful hunger drive, it can be assumed that sex is a rarity at the very least. Nevertheless, you get all these trembling orgasms from him. How is that possible? Well, the key here is that you're the perfect meal to fuck.

Favorite Position

Painis has his own version of doggy style. It starts out normal, before he cracks your spine and twists the upper half of your torso to face him. Now he can easily gaze upon your ass and tits at the same time. He'll then twist his own body around yours as he pounds harder.

Goofy

He demonstrates his seriousness through his sense of enthusiasm. In other words, your body causes him to spiral on this passionate craze. This where he'll say (and this is a real Soldier voice line): "I am going to claw my way down your throat and tear out your very soul". Then, he attempts to literally force his hand all the way down your esophagus. Of course, though he has extreme flexibility, he's still too big for you to swallow whole. The next best thing was to plunge his fist into your chest, which is the usual assuming location of the soul.

Hair

It's the same as I think it would be with Soldier: a full brown bush. Does a monster wash down there? I couldn't tell you.

Intimacy

The monster massages all of your muscles, wasting no time to tear away the clothes hiding your meat. He then licks every inch of your skin, starting from your cheek and ending with the soles of your feet. It's a part of his method for patience, which works for the most part. However, he sometimes can't help but to chomp down and slurp up some bitter-tasting blood.

Jack Off

Painis isn't really the type to masturbate. His fulfillment of eating someone takes off what tension is usually relieved from jacking off; it's a form of self pleasure.

Kink

He's got a thing for blood play, and not just because it smells and tastes good. It's quite arousing for him to smear your tits and thighs with your own blood, then leave red handprints on your ass. Blood likely isn't the best lube, but he coats his cock with it anyways.

Location

His home: that RED spawn in 2Fort is where it's at. Painis receives a testosterone boost knowing damn well how his lair is one of the most feared places. It's like a bear cave, but so much worse. In your case, however, it's the best place you could've possibly walked into.

Motivation

Your scent draws him to you. It's a combination sweet, salty, and tangy; this indicates a unique flavor of which (as mentioned earlier) he's never experienced. You are a nice break from the thousands of plain tasting people. He'll never forget about this moment.

NO

Bro isn't not going to eat you, nor will he wait long to start the process of eating you. Again, however, he'll try to savor you for as long as he can.

Oral

Though it's nice when his cock is warm and wet, Painis is one who prefers to taste. Any juice your slit leaks will be lapped up by him. He fists you in order to reach any fluids that lie deeper in. It's so tasty, his flexible self will even suck his own cock once you cum on it (the Jack Off headcannon still applies here, as this is an at most rare thing for him to do).

Pace

This is the slowest Painis has ever been with his food. From an outsider's perspective, however, his pace lies between fast and slow; a "medium-fast". The whole ordeal will last for twenty minutes maximum.

Quickie

Restating what's been already said, Painis is quite used to "quickies". Usually, he'd finish devouring someone in just a few minutes. Of course, he also generally doesn't have sex with his meals.

Risk

Other than being more sensual with you, Painis is not looking to stray from what he knows. What he already enjoys has done him much good. As far as he knows, no new thing can be better than this.

Stamina

Painis has a supernatural level of physical strength. If it weren't for his hunger, he can mess with you for hours, hardly losing any energy after each orgasm.

Toy

There won't be any toys here. Painis doesn't need them, and neither do you.

Unfair

He's not one to tease much either, at least not on purpose. Thanks to your desperation, you might grow a little impatient with how he takes his time.

Volume

In addition to his cracking limbs, Painis will breathe quite heavily. Occasionally, he might quietly chuckle or groan. Overall, not super loud.

Wild Card

To better remember you and your taste, Painis will keep your shattered skeleton. When he's not out hunting, he'll be in his lair licking your broken skull or gnawing on your cracked femur.

X-ray

His cock would be a bit thicker than average, extending to about six inches. It's a little bigger than Soldier's.

Yearning

Again, his sex drive is overpowered by his insane hunger drive. It's not something he thinks about all the time, even after he met you. He's thinking more about your taste than how good your pussy felt wrapped around his cock (he loved the sex, by the way).

ZZZ

This was tackled a bit in "Aftercare". Experiencing a sense of peace after eating the best piece of meat God created, Painis curls up and falls asleep almost immediately.

[revenantghost]

Hey! So i must i adore you analysis on Wolfwood as you compared his story beats to maximum and how they got changed, something that I dont really see people commenting on

I must say however, do you think vash and wolfwood are bound to have the same kind of relationship they had in trimax? I adore stampede like crazy and was enjoying it so much until around ep 10/11 where it got cleared they were very much going a seemingly different route than what we thought. And to be honest the moment i saw they pumped Knives and Vash dynamic like crazy got me thinking tristamp will be completely about them and not also Vash and WW/others (which i think is as important as K and V for trigun to work out) or tristamp will be mostly Vash and Knives and WW and Livio.

You seek to have a super optimistic (lol) look for s2 and beyond so i wonder if you think (either by beats laid out by tristamp, maybe i am too blind or pessimistic to realize them) there may be something similar to vash and wolfwood’s relationship in trimax???

Oh man, thank you so much!!! I’m honestly so happy that people even read that rambling because it’s been driving me absolutely bonkers. (I’m just gonna link that post here in case anyone’s interested)

But tl;dr: I think that it’ll be similar! Honestly, I think the Vash and Wolfwood dynamics have to be similar, because that’s such an integral part of Trimax. I jokingly called it the Vash and Wolfwood show to a friend when I started reading it—and yeah, that sums up a lot. Though I REALLY see your worries about this. I think we got a much heavier dose of Vash and Knives to really make the stakes super personal, but I have a feeling Knives will fall into the more distant role he takes in Trimax because, as he says, Nai is dead. Long live Knives.

Tristamp season one is a prologue, confirmed by the team very purposefully calling the continuing work the final phase despite saying the sky is the limit on future content depending on fan support. It speed ran a lot of stuff, and I think that was knowingly done because the staff has stated multiple times that they needed everything to be as perfect as possible, but they didn’t know how it would do. I don't even know if they thought they could do a second season. Trigun has historically not been popular outside of the cult following ’98 had in the west—Trimax was just an afterthought that many fans hadn’t read before Tristamp grabbed us all by the throats.

To touch on the other relationships, I like that Tristamp is that it's already expanding on characters that I felt could have spent more time in the spotlight. Like, I'm very eager to see where they take the girls! Because Meryl’s falling into the same role but with a vastly different career in this, and she’s already way more present . Why are they following Vash? How present will the girls be? MILLY!!! With Meryl ripping down Vash’s wanted poster at the end of season one, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s her mission to clear Vash’s name, and hijinks ensue. She already has deeper ties to Wolfwood than any other version before, which makes both of them stronger for it. I’m nervous to see how this all plays out because change scares me and I love this story so much lmao, but I do think it’s good! I already went off about how I love how important Meryl already is in the story, she’s a foil to Vash and the faith in himself he never had, and I feel like that only strengthens and reflects against the foils Vash and Wolfwood have going on. And Milly! I’m so excited to see where they go with her.

But this does change everything with Wolfwood. I keep thinking that Tristamp has changed Wolfwood fundamentally and keep needing to go back and rewatch because he is Wolfwood. He’s younger and rougher around the edges, but he’s still that moron I know and love. (Sometimes I’ll be reading fic and I don’t even realize that the person’s only seen Tristamp because they just get him and the dynamic right—Orange is doing a good job even if it scares me deeply lol)

I do have complete faith that they need to and will let Vash and Wolfwood’s dynamic shine just as brightly as it does in Trimax. I think, actually, a lot of that comes from outside of the text, though I could probably do another rewatch to pick up on all the loose threads they’re laying down to grow Wolfwood’s character and his dynamic with Vash in particular.

First, a new bit of info I saw recently is that the director, Kenji Muto? Apparently hasn’t even seen ’98, or at least hadn’t seen it as of making season one. Of course there are other writers on staff, and the crew has admitted to being huge Trigun nerds, but if your only exposure to Trigun is Trimax??? Wolfwood is massively important to Vash. Doing that dirty would be greatest sin you could make against this franchise.

Second, Nightow is so involved in creating this. He was involved way before most manga authors are brought in on anime, and even said that pretty early on he basically gave it his blessing and said that they got Trigun. (Though he still approved everything from then on as well.) And Wolfwood and his story arc in Trimax is so powerful and so moving. Nightow obviously had some significant investment and emotion in it, in Wolfowod and Vash’s relationship and journey. Like, I cry at things sometimes, generally just ooze tears, but Nightow and this damn manga made me sob. I can’t imagine he would tell the crew they understood Trigun without Wolfwood’s character and his ties to Vash being a priority. I know typically Japanese creators won’t throw shade at adaptations like we see in Western realms, but I rarely see the level of enthusiasm Nightow has for this project.

Okay, because this is getting long, and I’m getting into Trimax spoilers next, putting this next bit under a cut, continue at your own risk.

It’s actually funny, because for the end of that Wolfwood post, before I started my rewatch for it, I originally had a pretty specific prediction about what would happen. Then the ‘sky’s the limit’ on future content came out, and idk what to expect. I thought that the next season was going to be the Vash and Wolfwood show ala Trimax, we were going to fall in love with Wolfwood, and we were gonna have him couched at the end of that season. Because the couch is so essential, it’s so critical, but my god do I want this man to survive the narrative, if only once, and have it mean just as much. (Can you tell I’m torn on this every second of every day of my entire life) And after writing up that whole post I’m even more confused because I have no idea where the fuck they’re taking him. But at the same time, we have major plot threads tying us to that scene so much earlier. The vials existing way earlier, Livio and Razlo being introduced, that line about grieving but still deserving to smile and eat that Wolfwood gives Vash in the episode he’s introduced??? We're making everything more coherent and tied together, and fuck, we're screwed.

For now, all I’ve got is that I think some shit is going to happen to Wolfwood during our two-year time skip, maybe something with Chapel, idk how they’re going to inevitably use Livio against us, but we saw a softer Wolfwood in Tristamp. He needs to harden to be who we know. Orange said they’re going to be more like their other selves here, and though Wolfwood already has some faith in Vash, but he does not have faith in humanity. That’s the growth we have yet to see, and that’s what is really at the core of their relationship and development. It’s still there.

Many people who read Trimax are absolutely gutted and wrecked by the couch. That defines a lot of readers’ experiences—Wolfwood’s character arc is an absolute masterclass in writing a satisfying and meaningful conclusion for a character. So for them to change this much about someone who is that important, they have to have a plan, and a damn good one for Nightow to sign off on it. I’ve seen folks talk about how apparently the team spent the most time working on Knives, Vash, and Wolfwood’s characters (this one I haven't seen a source for), but as you said, we can already see it in the brothers’ relationship. They have a plan for Wolfwood. It’s only a matter of time before we’re wrecked by it.

Yeah, they are gonna keep doing stuff that you or I won’t agree with, or that we think could be better. Every version of Trigun is pretty flawed in certain ways imo, even though it might be beautiful or a favorite piece of media. But all of the concerns of mine that Orange could answer in the first season, they did so with flying colors and blew me out of the water. So don’t get me wrong, I’m scared. I’m so fucking terrified. Both Vash and Wolfwood are my favorite characters in Trigun in such different, integral ways to me. I love them deeply. And Orange is changing so much.

But Orange adores Trimax as much as I do. Nightow is 500% on board. So I’m biting my nails about it, but I choose to have faith. We’ll get wrecked by this adaptation, and I’d bet money on it if I had any lol

OOF, THAT WAS LONG. I hope this was actually helpful/useful and not just incoherent feral rambling!

[fuck-your-proana-blog]

Your account inspired and motivated me to unfollow the bajillion pro ED tags I was following, unfollow/block all those pro ED accs I was following, and block all the pro ED tags. I feel so strange (/pos) and free. My dash is filled with stuff that ACTUALLY made me happy rather than sad. I ate peanut butter on toast today and it was scary but it was so so good I had forgotten the taste but!! I remember it now!!! I’m crying tears of joy. Thank you so so much.

I'm so damn proud of you! I've been there, and it is definitely a freeing and new feeling after suffering for so long. Knowing there aren't any REAL "rules" about what you can and can't eat is an amazing feeling. Peanut butter toast is way too good to not eat; I have it often in my recovery because peanut butter is such a wonderful food that is meant to be enjoyed by everyone, as long as they're not allergic of course- I eat peanut butter almost every day now. Just today I had a food I've never eaten prepared by myself as I still have some "fear food" issues, but it was one of the best things I've ever eaten- even over a year into recovery I'm still discovering new foods to enjoy the freedoms of eating, and I laughed and enjoyed the cooking process with my husband and we were both dumbfounded by how good it came out- so don't give up because it keeps getting better the more you recover and allow the freedoms you were missing out on back into your life!

Recovery is full of celebrations, milestones, freeing feelings, and great accomplishments. There will be some hard stuff too though, so remember these great feelings when the hard days happen. I definitely have more good days than bad due to recovery though; that's for sure! Try to journal these happy and positive feelings to remember if you find yourself having an upsetting day down the road(on paper if possible so you can read it without the computer/phone- there will be days it's best to stay off the Internet). Not trying to scare anyone, but not every day will feel as great since EDs are seriously mental illnesses with many symptoms to face in recovery.

I need to warn you though, and everyone reading this here on Tumblr, that NO tag is 100% safe- selfish pro anas post in the recovery tags too, so I do suggest stepping away from Tumblr sometimes- get back out into the "real world," spend time with family, friends, pets, etc- enjoy the outdoors, do some fun movement; not to burn calories, but just go for a short walk outside if you can or sit in the sun/shade and just enjoy the world around you. Experience the world pro ana was trying to take from you by trying to force you to spend all day looking at disturbing images and repeating cruel mantras that urge you to suffer- life was not meant to suffer from- it (and definitely food!) was meant to be enjoyed by us all.

Stay motivated in recovery, and feel free to message me any time- I am disabled so I am usually at home around my phone and answer messages pretty quickly as long as I'm not having a health crisis (unfortunately my body got pretty damaged by my ED, so I will always have reminders of what my ED has taken from me and appointments to go to for various chronic conditions).

Wishing you all the best, and have fun as you rediscover the freedoms of eating what you want without punishment- I'm still making new discoveries of "food joys" all the time!❤️

[marveinator]

Bad Idea Bella Ramsey x fem!oc (original character)

inspired by "Bad Idea" by girl in red (after part one) masterlist

This story is complete imagination and how Bella acts here is probably not how they would act irl. They/them pronouns used for Bella. pairing: Bella Ramsey x fem!oc (Mina Willow Lane) word count: 2.4k summary: You and Bella have been childhood friends, but broke off contact because of their acting career. Will your paths ever meet again? a/n: I´ve had this obsession with girl in red for a while now and of course with Bella so... here yall go! I hope many people read this story, because I am again putting my whole heart into this. And I figured since I basically already read all the Bella fics existing, I´d just write my own. Enjoy! I will try to make the chapters as long as possible so that I don´t have to post so many parts and yall can read the story faster! (Don´t be mad I simply but Pedro in the hashtags because he´s a part of the story) chapter warnings: nickname calling, ig that´s it? next chapter: Bella and Mina decide to go to a party as friends- but are they leaving it like this again?

I closed my laptop. I had just finished watching an interview of Bella Ramsey and Pedro Pascal. Not only because I was so interested in the series "The last of us", but also because… well. Long story.

I knew Bella. Well, at least I used to. I don't know what they´re like now…. but I'm trying to find out by watching all these videos about them. I miss our friendship a lot.

When we were little, our parents were very good friends and so we always played together. However, when they turned 11, their career went on and on and we broke off contact. They were too busy and now we really had no contact at all, especially since their new series.

I read through the comments under some tiktoks about them and realized how many girls admired Bella. Not only because of their acting, no, also as a person. For whatever reason, I felt an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I wanted to go out and scream loudly "I know Bella Ramsey in person!" just so- I don't even know why. I knew all these girls probably had no contact with Bella, and to be exact, I was one of them too.

It just hurt to lose friends. I missed how Bella would still send me videos every now and then of them practicing their guitar, or when we would have a pie-eating contest together when we were 8. I missed their brown eyes and their beautiful hair. Which, as I had now noticed, was a lot shorter.

But Bella was without a doubt still beautiful. Even more beautiful than I remembered, to be exact.

Sometimes I wondered if they still knew that I even existed. My Bella would never forget me, they were outgoing and cheerful. But were they still like that? What if they had changed? I probably wouldn't even find out.

I turned over in my bed with a sigh. For a few months now, I no longer lived with my parents, but in a small apartment on the outskirts of London.

I grabbed my phone from the table besides my bed and decided to go a bit on Instagram. Only to find a new post of Bella on my home feed. They posted a few behind the scenes pics of their new short film “Requiem” which I had obviously already watched. I sighed and liked the post.

This is how it had been for years. I went on their Instagram, liked the new posts and it went unnoticed by Bella. Of course, they probably got thousands of notifications a day, but still, it made me a bit sad. Almost seemed like they completely forgot about me.

Sometimes I wanted to post something just to see if they would like it- but on the other hand I knew that if they wouldn´t, I´d be heartbroken.

I sighed and switched off my phone, after seeing it was already 11 pm. Usually I stayed up longer, but today I felt extra exhausted. Which didn´t make any sense, I mean I stayed at home the entire day.

That´s what I do most of the time. Normally I work at a small café, but it´s currently closed because they are fixing some stuff in there. I´ve been looking for a new job for the few weeks while it´s closed, but everybody said they only would accept me if I would stay. And I love the café I work at too much and having two jobs isn´t an option right now, so- whatever.

The boss said they´d probably open again in 2 weeks- which was 3 weeks ago. I honestly didn´t know what to do because I did slowly run out of money… I just hoped they would open as soon as possible again.

*1 week later*

I didn´t even know if it was legal that I wasn´t even paid while the café was closed (because that seriously wasn´t my fault?) but I managed to handle everything and was back at work again now.

I wiped all the tables clean; we would open soon. I already saw some people outside patiently waiting, so many loved this place.

Not going to lie, I mean the drinks were good, the workers were friendly, and the little muffins were worth coming here.

After we finished preparing everything, I nodded at my coworker Jamie, and he opened the door.

3 hours later the whole café was full, except for one table. This was good, maybe I would get a lot of tips today. I thanked an older couple who just paid and went over to the next table. “Hey, what can I get for you?”, I asked as I looked up from the wallet where I had just put the money in. You gotta be shitting me.

“Mina? Oh my god, you´re the last person I thought I would see here!”

It was Bella.

Bella fucking Ramsey was sitting on the table in front of me.

What is this, a fucking movie? I surely doubt that.

“Hi, Bella”, was all I managed to say. Bella smiled from one side to the other and happily jumped up from their chair to hug me. It hit me all of the sudden and so I awkwardly hugged back. Bella seemed to notice that I was quite surprised about their sudden action, because they replied with a short “Shit, sorry, that was a bit- out of nowhere…”

They sat down again and looked up at me. We were almost the same height; I was just a little bit shorter. I know, I was tiny or something. Sorry.

“Uh- how have you been? Oh wait- I´m probably interrupting you and your work- uh… Can you recommend anything that is vegan?” I looked at them. Seeing them in real life after such a long time was insanely weird but amazing at the same time. “I´ve been alright I guess, and no worries, they won´t mind if I stay here a minute longer than I should. Well, we have normal juices that are probably vegan, but also, I love the vegan version of our hot chocolate or the iced coffee”, I replied.

Bella smiled again and nodded. “Choose one of those for me, I don´t mind which one, it´s your choice.” I agreed and went to get them a drink. I decided to serve them the iced coffee, I loved it a lot. When it was done, I made sure to decorate it a bit, just because it was for Bella. I know, you shouldn´t prefer any customers, but… could you blame me? I just met my childhood best friend (who is also like- really famous now) after years of no contact again.

With this in mind, I went over to the “boss” of the café, Brian. “Hey, uh, would you mind if I-“ He nodded, without even letting me finish my sentence. “You´re free for today, I figured out it was them.” I had told Brian everything about Bella because overtime we grew closer. Not in any romantic way though, I mean he was a 45-year-old married man, and I was definitely a lesbian (he also knew that). I smiled as I thanked him before running of to Bella (not forgetting their iced coffee of course).

I asked if I could sit down a bit, and they said yes. “So- you just got free for today? That easily?”, Bella asked as I gave them their iced coffee. “Yes, but, it´s only an exception, because well, we haven´t seen each other in such a long time and… yeah- “, I answered.

“I missed you, Mina Willow Lane. I´m sorry I didn´t stay in contact with you, I was just so… busy with work and I know that´s a shitty excuse because I mean almost everyone our age works and you should never leave your friends behind”, the brunette across me explained. “I just felt like it would be easier for the both of us that we weren´t in contact that much anymore because I knew that if we stayed best friends, you would be pulled into the spotlight too and I knew you wouldn´t want that.”

I looked into their eyes and tried to smile a bit. “I know… still. You just like- vanished. I´ve missed you like hell too though, Isabella May Ramsey. Don´t ever leave me like that again, or I swear to god I´m gonna get more mad than last time”, I explained. Bella laughed and nodded. “Do you maybe… wanna hang out a bit? I´m not working for a few weeks and we could- get to know each other again, I mean it was a long time, right?”

I decided to agree with Bella and later that day we went for a walk outside.

“You know, I live in this hotel and the people there are like sooooo rude. I´ve been trying to find a better one for weeks. But they have so many good vegan food options, that´s the main point why I chose it”, they explained while walking next to me. I was so happy we were finally together again; I had missed them so much I almost went insane.

“You could stay at mine, I mean, I still have a guest bed left, and it´s just a tiny apartment, but I could make you any vegan food you´d like-“, I said without any hesitation.

Bella Ramsey POV

I stared at Mina. Was she serious about this? Oh.

"I mean, yeah, I'd love to.... But I really don´t want to get into your way of living-", I replied to her offer. "Keep it down Bella, you're not going to get in my way or anything. Besides, if you live with me, we can spend more time together, I mean you owe me that somewhere after all...", said the girl walking next to me with a grin on her face. I couldn't stop smiling either, we had seen each other for the first time in years and had only been walking for 1 or 2 hours- but I already never wanted to leave her again.

I had to admit, I had missed Mina a lot. Sometimes I even went to her Instagram account, but they didn't post anything there and so I couldn't even know what she looked like now. But when I saw her in front of me today, I recognized her immediately. She hadn't changed a bit. Her hair was still long and dark blonde, her eyes green. Her style was a bit different, but I wasn't complaining, I was convinced that she looked good in everything she wore.

"So... you get your stuff, and we meet at mine again?", Mina asked, nudging me out of my thoughts. I nodded and we parted ways again.

As soon as she was gone, everything was different. I immediately missed her laugh, her beautiful green eyes and her unique way. I hated myself inside that I had pushed such an amazing girl away from me.

Just as I was packing up my things in my hotel room, my cell phone rang. Pedro.

"Hey Pedge, what's up?", I picked up. "I just wanted to check up on you, you haven't called in a while..." I had to chuckle, Pedro worried about me so often, for no reason. But I was grateful to have him, he was almost like a best friend by now- or more likely an annoying MUCH older brother. (To be honest- most of the time it was a father-daughter relationship, with me being the dad of course-)

"You're not going to believe this. I met her. Let´s keep it short and sweet, we uh- move in together?" Pedro stared at me (he just loved video calls, okay-) "You what?!" (A/N: I swear I wrote that and had Bill's voice in my head...)

I just grinned a little sheepishly and stared at Pedro.

"I'm so happy for you. You had missed her so much, and now you're going to see her every day for a while.... But- Bella. Keep me up to dated... if- you know- anything happens-" Pedro said with a wink. I just rolled my eyes.

I had probably told him about Mina almost every day, so now he thought I wanted something from her (in a romantic way). Sure, I loved her, but she was really just a friend- (A/N: Adrien Agreste who?)

"Pedro please, nothing special will happen between the two of us," I replied dumbly. After a while I hung up again, I finally had to finish packing.

Mina Lane POV

Nervously, I bounced around my apartment while waiting for Bella to arrive. Everything was clean, I had put a new bar of towels in the bathroom, picked out a few vegan recipes, and prepared the guest bed for them. The guestroom was right next to mine, and about the same size.

Sure, why had I left this room vacant when I lived alone? Well... just in case an old friend would show up here once-

Suddenly I heard the doorbell ring and I pressed the door opener, so that the front door opened downstairs. Now I had only a few seconds until Bella would stand in front of me, with their luggage, ready to move in for a few weeks. Everything had happened so fast, I couldn't even believe it yet.

When there was a knock on the door of my apartment, I felt goose bumps rising all over my body. Carefully I turned the door knob to the right and opened the door. Bella was dressed differently now, they had gray sweatpants and a dark green sweater on, much more simple and comfortable - but still beautiful.

"Hey, come on in," I said and accompanied Bella into the kitchen. It was an open kitchen overlooking the living room (A/N: Here a plan I MADE of the apartment, so that you can imagine it better &lt;;3).

"Cozy in here," Bella said with a grin on their face. I had to giggle and showed them around.

"There's only one bathroom, unfortunately, but it's between our rooms, so I hope that's okay-", I explained. "Oh love, don't act like I'm a complete stranger, we've definitely had sleepovers, so if we ever run into each other in the bathroom at night, I think I'll be able to handle it-", Bella grinned. My face turned red. Not only because of the nickname, but also because of the way they looked at me. What was wrong with me?

"Um yeah... I think it´s pretty late already, I picked out food, plain pasta with tomato sauce, hope that's okay..." Bella nodded and thus I started cooking the food while they settled into their new room. This was going to be a few interesting weeks....

[silvershayde]

(crash lands in ur inbox) merfolk lore 👀 i am here to bombard you with questions

1. I think the mammalian skin + tropical coloration is very neat, but is the coloration only gradients/simple solid divides (ala orcas), or is it possible for them to have patterning?

2. Is the coloration of their tail determined separately from the coloration of their upper body?

3. ARE there common upper body/tail "type" combos? ex. "hedgehogs tend to have more dolphin style tails etc."

4. Thinking about the glitter thing their skin have 🤔🤔🤔 I wonder if it's like. an evolutionary thing that makes them harder to spot underwater

5. Is the back fin size indicative of anything or is it just biological rng???

6. are they affected by pressure changes?? what depth zones do the merfolk usually hang out at?

YES QUESTIONS!!!!

Okay okay so!

I imagine them only having the gradient/ solid divided. The only time patterning would possibly occur is if they aren’t fully Merfolk (e.g. crossed with a Sirelian or maybe even a Melusine. Not the Nymphs/Nereids though but that’d make more sense once I post about them)

Yes, the colouration of the tail is independent from the body, like the classical mermaid design. Reason being is that it’s one of the visual identification markers that someone should focus on if they want to know if they are looking at a Mer or a Sirelian. So Sirelians would have tails that are coloured similarly to the upper body, not Merfolk.

Honestly I haven’t thought about common combos being a thing. I was just gonna go with what kinda vibe the character had lolol. For example I paired up Skylar’s with a dolphin because I wanted her to be fast underwater (for lore reasons).

I guess you could say it’d help them be harder to spot since the glitter thing only works when there’s light shining on the tail. So you’d only be able to see the shine relatively from above or if they are out of the water completely, never from below.

So I wanted to follow the whole dorsal fins are bigger on males thing but I also know I’m probably not gonna follow it that well. But there is genetic rng regardless of whether I follow that rule or not.

The max I’m running with is the Twilight Zone, no Mer would choose to live past that or try to dive past it, lest they succumb to the ocean pushing them down. This is also the reason why I’m still on the fence about the whole gills situation. Anyway, you’ll mostly find them out in open waters but sometimes you might find some colonies near coral reefs and the like.

Oh!!! Also I saw you asked about how sidefins would affect maneuverability and such in your tags and yes!! It does!!

The way I imagine it for Mers is similar to the spine thing Toothless has from httyd 2. In the movie those extra spine things helped with making tight turns and such. I imagine the pectoral fins that Merfolk have help in a similar fashion, and can additionally act as an emergency break. Though not having them doesn't mean they can't do those tight turns and emergency break and stuff, its just that its easier for those who have them to do so!

Heheee I like answering questions if you got anymore HIT ME with them!!!!!