#i see them as both romantic and/or (queer)platonic but still undeniably devoted to each other in a sus way

[camthecatchameleon]

Exactly one person was interested so I'm spilling my guts on the coalecroux sun/moon topic @cthulhusstepmom

This is referencing this post I made earlier this week where I drafted a Gideon/Kremy masquerade pair outfit, with Kremy as the sun and Gideon as the moon.

See, just based on general vibe and character design alone, you'd think that Gideon would be the sun and Kremy would be the moon. And you wouldn’t be… completely wrong in my eyes.

Because here’s the thing. Neither of them are the sun.

Gideon had nothing before Kremy. He had a tainted childhood, a traumatic adolescence, and escaped that with only his manacles, the clothes on his back, and whatever sanity he had left. He was literally at rock bottom before meeting Kremy. Kremy was probably the first person since the train to treat him like a person instead of a tool. (Which. Yeah, Kremy exploits Gideon pretty often but like. Obviously it's leagues better than the train. But that’s a different conversation.) Of course he's the moon to Kremy’s sun. Of course Kremy fucking LeCroux with his put-together demeanor and charismatic personality and fancy high-class image, of course he shines brighter than Gideon. Of course Kremy's the sun.

However, on the flip side, Kremy would never see himself as the sun. He’s a warlock who deals in shadows and underhanded deals and hidden lies. He keeps himself unnoticed by deflecting everything, by lying and telling half-truths. And yet here’s Gideon, loud and proud and, literally, so bright. He’s everything Kremy never will be, big and strong and unafraid to jump directly into whatever conflict’s afflicting them. Of course Kremy’s the moon to Gideon’s sun. How could he not be? Gideon’s a fire genasi for fuckssake, and Kremy’s just a shadow warlock. Of course Gideon’s the sun.

They are both the moon, but they are also both the sun. It just depends on perspective. Personal perspective: Neither are inherently the sun, but see the other as the sun in their eyes.

Do you see what I meant when I said it’s complicated? 

The reason I specifically chose to draw Kremy as the sun and Gideon as the moon is because I’m a fan of contrasting or complementary colors. That’s it. That’s the whole reason. And yet, because of the way I am, I decided to delve deeper into the topic while I was drawing. It didn’t help that “The Moon Will Sing” by the Crane Wives was stuck in my head at the time.

[gascon-en-exil]

Considering the undeniable fact that Edelgard was written for men and not them, what do you think that says about her lesbian fans? Are they following the wrong character? Or better question, does she truly have a significant sapphic fandom to begin with?

This is a difficult question for me to answer directly, because I'm not a lesbian. I've gotten a variety of comments from queer women addressing issues related to this on my relevant videos, with the range of responses being overall mixed. Even those who can enjoy Edelgard as a bi option (and/or her other F/F prospects) are usually still aware of IS's blatant misogyny in the way they handle their female characters, and acknowledge that these conversations are useful to have.

I think Monica's writing in Hopes sums up very well just how little the writers of these games are thinking about lesbians when they craft these characters and situations. Monica's attraction to Edelgard is treated as one long joke at her own expense, one that Edelgard appears to humor at best but never really understands. It's especially galling because this is the same game that takes a remarkably sober approach to Shamir's attraction to women, both in general and to Catherine specifically. There's also the matter of the M/M subtext, which as ever exists in a blind spot of straight male writers. With Dimidue alone, we have a situation where men are saying stuff like "You are irreplaceable, cherished" and "I cannot know happiness without you by my side" and holding hands and each other's gazes for something like fifteen seconds in an animated cutscene...and still expect us to believe that that's only platonic devotion. (As far as lord + retainer ships go, hold up Monigard and Dimidue side-by-side, and it's very obvious that IS is laughing at the former and isn't aware that the latter could even have romantic dimensions.)

The majority of IS's sapphic material exists in a different, though comparable blind spot: that lesbians exist as profitable titillation for straight men, and are always subject to the male gaze and the potential interposition of a male proxy for the audience (the Avatar, usually) because women's attraction toward one another isn't something to be taken seriously. Out of the various examples of F/F subtext and text in the entirety of FE, I feel like I could claim Heather from Radiant Dawn as maybe the only instance where the writers were thinking of actual queer women - and even then Heather is still mostly mild comic relief.

(As far as "following the wrong character" goes re: the fandom faction wars, there's always been the consistent irony that Rhea is subject to much of the same open objectification, ex. her summer duo alt with F!Byleth, and even gets to be a same-sex S rank as well. Humorously, this parallel or its implications is pretty much never brought up whenever Rhea's getting roasted as the Worst Ever.)

It's difficult to tell exactly how much of Edelgard's fanbase is sapphic. Of course Tumblr and AO3 skew queer as a rule, but those are just two sites; there's also Twitter and Reddit and SF and GameFAQs and 4chan and art sites like Pixiv and DeviantArt. We also know for a fact that at least two of the most prominent and combative elements in the pro-Edelgard side of the fandom are straight/bi men producing F/F Edeleth fanwork...which I remark on only as a counter to the frequent accusation that Dimitri fans are all horny fujoshi. How that does or doesn't play into what you're asking is hard to say - although one of them tends to get rather pissed when anyone brings something like that up and may still be stalking my blog.

It'll be interesting to see what troll anons I get now.

[microsuedemouse]

man it has been a MINUTE since I made my own post about anything fandom-related on this website but @suzirya is blogging about The Old Guard and I haven’t seen anyone else talking about it really and I’ve got. some thoughts

I had literally never heard of this movie at all until a few nights ago when we were eating dinner in the living room and my dad pulled it up and said ‘hey I want to watch this’ and played the trailer for my brother and me. We were pretty much like yeah, sure, we all enjoy a good action flick, and aside from my other brother (who was occupied with D&D) it ended up being the whole family watching it. and I enjoyed it WAY more than I’d anticipated, especially for something I’d never heard about.

if you don’t know what I’m talking about: drop what you’re doing and go watch The Old Guard on Netflix. (it’s a Netflix original so yes it will be there.) it’s a very fun and good action film based on a series of graphic novels about a small group of immortals trying to do what’s right. there are many selling points but one of them is that it will be very good for your little gay soul, bc Charlize Theron stars (in a character with no explicitly-stated romances but lots of relationships that will make you Feel Things) and two of the other main characters are two men who met during the Crusades and are just amazingly in love with each other. And not in a vague way that the straights can interpret as Powerful Friendship. They are explicitly in love with each other and so devoted and ugh.

ANYWAY. putting the rest of my chattering under a cut bc spoilers and also I’m a wordy piece of shit

1 - early in this movie I was thinking about how glad I am that Charlize Theron has stepped into this role of like... cool female action star, but also, her characters are never super sexed up. almost any female characters I can think of in action movies, if they’re part of the action rather than victims/bystanders, are always made sexy. even when they’re Strong sexy, they’re still... a lot sometimes? I was thinking especially of some Angelina Jolie stuff, Scarlett Johanssen, etc. there are probably lots of exceptions to this that I just don’t know but still - we’ve had Theron in several roles like this recently, and appearance-wise she’s treated with the same respect as her male counterparts, which is so fucking cool and also such a fucking relief. we all love beautiful ladies, obviously, but it’s so SO good to see our female heroes just doing their jobs, without us ever being made aware of their sexuality.

and as the movie went on this was hitting me more and more, and I was also thinking it about... everyone? like. the other female lead, played by KiKi Layne, was arguably more feminine than Theron but not any more sexualised. even once she’s out of her army fatigues she’s dressed with practicality in mind, and again, we never have her female-ness pointed out to us. and I was so about every bit of that. both objectively and as a person whose relationship to female-ness and femininity is kind of weird, it’s such a good thing to see leading women whose gender and appearances and bodies aren’t being focussed on that way.

and as a sidebar to that, while I wouldn’t describe any of the prominent male characters as unattractive by any means, none of them were like... Marvel-actor hot. and I just, idk, especially in action/superhero movies, that’s refreshing to me. a lot of them looked like Regular Dudes in a way that I find very appealing.

2 - can we TALK about Joe and Nicky. holy shit. my brother and I kept leaning over to each other to be like ‘if anything happens to either of them I’ll riot.’ I MEAN.

we got a genuine, explicit, on-screen established romance between these men. it was not implied, it was not just how the actors played it in the hopes that people would catch on - it was right there. they hold each other to sleep, they kiss each other with such love, they talk to other characters about how much they adore each other. they met during the Crusades. they’ve been in love for centuries! and they’re so sweet, so devoted, so adoring! and they never have any arguments or tension to further the plot (one of my personal most-hated plot devices in any story with an established relationship). they just spend this movie loving each other, protecting each other and their weird little family, doing anything they can for each other. they’re taken prisoner and spend their time awake joking and making each other smile. and the one singular bit of casual homophobia they encounter on-screen is met with a declaration of love so heartfelt and intense that the guy who made the shitty comment literally doesn’t know what to say - which is a brief but extremely good scene in the movie, imo.

oh, also worth noting: this romance is biracial and interfaith (inasmuch as either of them may be men of faith after being alive for centuries). just to add to how good this is to see on-screen. all of this on top of them being IMMORTAL AND UNKILLABLE. NO GAYS BURIED HERE

2.5 - can I talk for a second about how goddamn much I love seeing non-hetero romance in genre fiction!!! I know it’s getting easier to find, but still. genre fiction is very much my domain and I love seeing queer romance there, especially when it’s simply an accepted fact and the characters’ queerness isn’t central to the story. narratives about queerness are good and important and serve a function but most of them aren’t really my thing, personally. a story that’s about all kinds of other things but also has queer characters there, being themselves, being in love, is so 1000% my shit.

3 - also? Charlize Theron’s character, Andy?? fascinating from a queer perspective. she doesn’t have any explicitly-stated romance with anyone, but her relationships with other characters are so compelling and so interesting. The backstory about her and another immortal, Quynh, very very distinctly gives you the impression that they were women in love. everything about Andy’s guilt and bitterness over not having been able to find/save Quynh feels so much like there was a romance there. it could have been platonic or familial - they were together, without anyone else, for centuries at least, and therefore obviously developed a very deep love - but the way Andy talks about Quynh it feels so much like there was something left unsaid, or unresolved.

also, her scene with the clerk in the pharmacy. oh my god. this woman clearly recognises that whatever is going on with Andy, something is wrong, and she offers her help, no questions asked. she takes her into the back room and patches up her wound. this scene has such an inherent intimacy because of the close quarters and the privacy and the act taking place, but... there’s also this really interesting connection happening between them, where they recognise something in one another but don’t state it. (personally, I couldn’t help wondering if the clerk was a domestic abuse survivor, maybe? but there are so many ways you could interpret her character from her behaviour and dialogue in that scene, and I’d love to see other people’s takes.)

and then on the other hand you have her relationship with Booker, who’s been with her the longest out of any of the living immortals. they’re incredible. their relationship is so, so interesting and well-depicted! they have such chemistry, that you can easily read as romantic or platonic. they’ve been together for so many hundreds of years and they work together, trust each other, with such a deep understanding and love and respect. and it never quite tips over into the romance you kind of think it will, which imo only makes it that much more compelling - there are so many directions you could take that dynamic.

4 - and then on the topic of Booker: I am SO into the way his betrayal was handled.

he did, undeniably, betray the others. there’s no argument on that fact. his motivations were understandable (and heartbreaking), even to Andy, though certainly not an excuse. so yes, they were furious with him. reasonably so! but... that didn’t actually break their relationships with him. they didn’t leave him behind in the lab, even if in some ways they might have wanted to. and in the ensuing battle, they were still able to work together and trust each other as they always have. the damage done to their larger relationship was put aside to be dealt with after all of this, as it should be. and even when they did deal with it, what they agreed on was just a century of exile from their group. given the lives they’re all living, that seems like such a mild sentence.

but to me, it makes so much sense. again, these people have lived for centuries, and there are so few of them. they need each other. the bonds they’ve formed over all this time together - the trust, the love, the sense of family - would not only be vital to both their survival and their sanity, but also incredibly difficult to truly break. what he did would seem unforgivable from an outside perspective, and even after that century passed I’m certain he’d have to earn back their trust and respect, but it makes absolute sense that they’d be willing to take him back one day.

god. GOD. I’m sure there’s more I could talk about but this is what I can think of right now and I’ve been typing for like forty minutes probably so I’m done for now but.

god.

this movie and its characters GOT ME, guys. I’m really in it. ugh UGH

[candicewright]

Kindly requesting that analysis on wangxian being peak romance and how it compares to queerbaiting please 🙏 🙏 🙏

Hello, anon! I am very genuinely happy that my rambling thoughts interest you in any way (because I have a lot of thoughts) so here is my analysis as promised. It is veeeery long (almost 2k), sorry about that but I’ve really been looking forward to talking about this for a very long time. In the end, it isn’t so much about how Wangxian is peak romance and more about the censorship and how it compares to queerbaiting, I may have to do another post about that later on. Without much further ado, here it is!

The Untamed’s tasteful censorship vs. BBC Merlin’s queerbaiting and why I prefer one over the other.

I know most people follow this blog for Merlin and believe me when I say that I love this show more than I can say because it has quite literally changed my life. But The Untamed has opened my mind to a whole new world (insert Aladdin’s A Whole New World here) and it has given me a lot of perspective on a lot of things.

I often joke with my friends saying that my first consideration when choosing a new show to watch is saying “is it gay?” which is not far from the truth, but it’s also not the complete story. What I mean is that I ask myself “does this show have a relationship that I think is worth getting invested in?”. Yes, t usually happens that those are not heterosexual romances, but what can I say, I’m queer and I like my emotional support fictional characters to be so too. This is the exact reasoning that led me to Merlin. I saw a couple of videos about them on youtube and immediately found their dynamic compelling and their story beautifully tragic. But like with most shows these days, the writers failed (among other things) to make their relationship explicit. This has happened with every show I watched after Merlin too; The Witcher, Sherlock and Good Omens being the most notable ones. 

You can argue if they are or are not queerbaiting, I at least think Good Omens isn’t, but again, it is pretty subjective.

But i had grown so accustomed to this type of media that I fully went into The Untamed expecting something similar.

And oh boy was I wrong.

Now, the case of The Untamed is a curious one because it is supposed to be a love story between two men due to being based on a BL novel, but because of censorship, it had to be very toned down. I found this out right before actually watching the show while doing some preliminary research and while it did change my thought on what I was getting into I truly thought they would just erase the entire relationship and try to hide it behind straight relationships like in most other shows I had watched.

But that was absolutely not the case, to my endless relief and joy.

But how? How did they get away with censoring all the explicit aspects of a romantic relationship while still managing to tell a wonderful love story? And how does this compare to the queerbaiting of a show like Merlin?

Warning: I will be using different parts of both shows and probably some of the MDZS novel to illustrate my point, so there will be spoilers.

The initial accidental chemistry + innuendos vs. The establishment of the very clear enemies to friends to lovers trope

I’m going to use Merlin to compare and contrast this because it’s what I know best and the other show I've given a lot of thought to.

Merthur and Wangxian are both similar and different dynamics in the way they’re written and it was one of the things that drew me into The Untamed in the first place. Both stories begin with our main duo meeting and instantly disliking each other, ending up in a fight. And while they both set the story up to lead to a more intimate bond being created between the pairs, there’s something very different from the start.

Merthur is deliberately set up to be a close friendship and all innuendos and chemistry are accidental (in my opinion and only at the start). Let me explain.

The concept for Merlin clearly started with the idea of how the story would change if Merlin was a young boy arriving in Camelot instead of an old powerful sorcerer. Then they made the main plot to be his destiny/friendship with the young and arrogant Prince Arthur. I truly believe that the first innuendos were not what they intended and that all chemistry and sexual tension between the characters comes courtesy of Colin and Bradley and how undeniably good they look on screen together. Fans then started speculating (as we always do) and then the production team decided to run with it, making it almost a recurring joke when it shouldn’t have been. Had they treated that developing relationship seriously like what they were hinting it was, the show would have been very different.

The Untamed on the other hand, is everything but accidental. What they’re doing is deliberately establishing the enemies to friends to lovers trope from the very beginning. It’s not an accident that during their first fight on the roof of the Cloud Recesses Wei Wuxian tells Lan Wangji that women would find his true character very disappointing and that no one would want to marry him. he says so several times in fact and this is clearly both to highlight the change in their relationship as well as to say that Lan Wangji is not at all interested in the opinion of any female (or anyone besides Wei Wuxian for that matter). This is the same stuff we see in mainstream straight romances: one of the characters saying something to the effect of “who would want to date them?” only to end up involved with the other at the end of the story.

You could argue that Merlin does something similar with the conversation between Merlin and Kilgharrah where Merlin is affronted by the idea of having to help Arthur where he says “There must be another Arthur because this one’s an idiot...If someone wants to kill him, they can go right ahead. In fact, I’ll give them a hand.” but the difference between these two is that Merlin is hiding behind the guise of destiny and friendship to make these parallels while Wangxian is deliberately and clearly in a romantic context.

The deliberate continuation of the subtext vs. The suggestion of something more

The accidental nature of the subtext doesn’t last long and in true BBC fashion, it turns into full-on queerbaiting real fast. Again, you can argue endlessly about when the deliberately suggestive comments start, but by the end of the show, we know for a fact the entire production staff and even the staff were aware of the effect and reception their show was having. This was no longer an innocent mistake on people reading too much into it, it was a very purposeful narrative that they were pushing without ever truly committing to it. This is what got fans going crazy over “poetry” or lines like “you’re the only friend I have and I couldn’t bear to lose you”. These are all very intentional choices they made to keep their devoted fanbase interested and while we’re all very thankful for this material it really keeps us wondering what it could have been if they had taken that extra step.

The Untamed can’t take that step because of the censorship laws, but it’s still much more daring than Merlin ever was. While Merlin keeps the soulmate aspect of the Merthur relationship a suggestion, The Untamed outright says it, which was baffling to me. It even does it at a pint where the first kiss happened in the novel, which you would think makes it less romantic. But that's absolutely not the case because of both the non-consensual nature of that original kiss and because of how heartbreakingly beautiful the replacement scene is. Not only that, but they also keep all the elements you could expect to see in any pre-relationship stage of a developing romance story: endless amounts of mutual pining, not-really-unrequited love, jealousy, panicking at the sight of your crush (yes I’m looking at you 15-year-old Lan Wangji) and even some fun in vino veritas moments. They even have a son together! It doesn’t get more clear than that!

This is all the way the show has of suggesting something more without outright saying (even though it’s a pretty not subtle way of suggesting it).

Merlin, on the other hand, keeps trying to deny the romantic nature of the Merthur dynamic, which brings me to my next point.

The introduction of a female love interest as an excuse vs. The awareness that the audience understands the relationship in the way it's meant to be

Now, this one really bugs me, because of all the ways they could have done this they truly chose the worst and destroyed Gwen’s character in the process. 

In my opinion, the writers could have done a few different things. They could have fully developed the Merthur relationship as a romantic one while keeping Gwen’s role as a queen and creating a much more satisfying character arch for her, maybe even getting her together with Morgana or Lancelot. They could have focused on the Awen romance and therefore lowered the suggestions of romance between Merlin and Arthur, once again creating a much more enjoyable subplot for Gwen, though it could have also meant sacrificing the very powerful bond between the main characters. They could have even taken advantage of Gwen’s crush on Merlin in the first season and gone on the full-on polyamory direction! That would have been much better! Instead, they halfassed the romance between Arthur and Gwen and made it just...meh. Not that Angel and Bradley didn’t do a great job, it was more of a writing problem than a them problem.

The Untamed (despite the rumours and possibilities of a Wen Qing/Wei Wuxian relationship) decided to just run with the not really platonic relationship between Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian, making them the complete focus of the story while still upholding the censorship laws. What I think the biggest difference between the two shows is, is that one runs on assuming the audience is stupid while the other one assumes the audience is smart.

Let me explain once more.

The Merlin writers clearly thought that by introducing Gwen as the love interest to Arthur he would just become what? Magically straight? As if we hadn’t seen the last four seasons of sexual tension between him and Merlin? The audience was not fooled for the most part, but some people did fall for this, coming with the argument “But he’s married to Gwen so he’s straight!” as if being gay or straight are the only two possibilities but oh well.

The Untamed does quite the opposite. It relies on the fact that the audience is going to catch onto the romantic aspect of the narrative without them actively saying anything because we are Not Dumb. It also does something that I think is quite beautiful which is leaving it up for interpretation as far as whether it’s platonic or not and even more touching is the way the story has resonated with the ace community (that is according to what I’ve seen, please do correct me if I’m wrong) by focusing on their emotional and intellectual connection instead of in their physical and sexual one.

This is why, in the end, I prefer what I call The Untamed’s tasteful censorship over Merlin and other shows’ blatant queerbaiting.

I feel the need after all of this to state that Merlin is still my favorite show of all time and that this is not by any means me saying that Merlin is absolute trash or something like that. There’s also a lot more that I think can be said in this conversation, so please feel free to tell me what you think and if you’ve ever encountered something similar to this.

Also, if I made any mistakes or wrong points, please don’t be shy about telling me!

I hope this rant was at least somewhat interesting and that you found it satisfactory, anon!

[holmesoverture]

Sink or Ship - Stateside Holmes (Jonny Lee Miller & Lucy Liu)

And now for something completely different.

**And kinda spoilery for the first three seasons, so reader beware.**

I waited a long while to try Elementary because it’s set in New York.  I know, it’s silly, but taking Holmes out of England is like taking Batman out of Gotham City.  Sure it might be fun to go hang out on the moon or Mount Everest or the Jersey Shore for a while, but a permanent relocation to any of those places is just weird.  

And yes, Elementary is very much unlike any other version of Sherlock Holmes I’ve seen (he has tattoos???  I’m????), but it’s still Sherlock Holmes—still brusque, still obsessive, and still blindingly intelligent.  It’s really amazing how flexible this character is.  

Unfortunately, for all that Elementary has carved itself a unique place in Holmes history, it still falls prey to a number of tired and even offensive tropes that have plagued other versions.  In particular, they depict Holmes in as aggressively heterosexual a manner as I’ve ever seen.  To reinforce this narrative, Watson, despite being otherwise quite smart, is prone to believing Holmes was in love with every woman who has ever been important to him. The writers do know that a man can admire/care about/be grateful for a woman WITHOUT there being any romantic or sexual feelings between them, right?  Having Watson constantly assume otherwise makes her look like an idiot when the entire point of the show is that she is not.

They even pull the same “Sherlock + Irene 5eva!!!1!1” stuff that virtually every other non-faithful adaptation has shoved at us. (Well, kinda, but they were in love and in a relationship is my point.)  I like Irene, but the endless parade of acephobic clowns who portray her in the same myopic way are making it very difficult to keep doing so.  

And yes, Elementary is acephobic.  Within the first five minutes of the pilot, Holmes tells us that he thinks sex is gross. For one glorious half-hour, I thought they would give me as close to an asexual Holmes as I could expect in anything not written by me, Doyle himself and the occasional fanficcer.  Then they make a screeching 180 turn and start down the road of “Ha, I knew you were lying about the asexuality thing!  What else could you be but a tragically scarred heterosexual?!” Why is Watson always such an acephobic douchebag?  I EXPECTED BETTER OF YOU, LUCY LIU.

But let’s focus on the positive things, of which there are many.  How devoted Holmes and Watson are to each other, for instance.  For Watson, Holmes starts out as nothing but another assignment, but by the middle of the first season, she’s giving up her financial stability because her new friend needs her, dangit.

For Holmes, Watson starts out as nothing but an unwelcome intrusion, but the more he lets her into his world, the more he comes to rely on her, both for professional assistance and emotional support, as one of the only friends he’s ever had.  It even gets to the point where Holmes occasionally interferes with her life when he’s afraid she’ll leave.  Obviously that’s not okay, as Watson makes sure he understands, but it does show how strongly he feels about her, even if it takes him a season or two to express those feelings in a healthy way.   Their relationship develops slowly, which makes sense given Holmes’ reticent nature, and it’s all the more meaningful because of all the hardships and screw-ups they have to endure to truly connect.

But connect as what?  Good question.  Took me a while to figure out which reading was right for me, but I finally got it.

I would interpret this Holmes as demiromantic, i.e. he only experiences romantic attraction once an emotional bond has been formed.  He’s undeniably a sexual being, but there’s no romantic attachment between him and his partners; it’s just sex.  His whole life he’s had a grand total of, I dunno, three? meaningful emotional relationships with people, one of those being with Watson.

I also strongly suspect that Watson is demiromantic too, or maybe even aromantic.  None of her romances work out (though that one time her bf ended up in witness protection had nothing to do with it), and Holmes himself observes in The Adventure of the Nutmeg Concoction that she should stop trying to force herself into the mold of conventional relationships because she’s not designed for it.  Even when her relationships go well, she isn’t happy with them, and in The Female of the Species she admits defeat, saying that she is ready to fully throw herself into Holmes’ “world.”  Textually, she’s talking about the detective work. Subtextually, she’s realizing that she was either mistaking her friendly/sexual feelings for romantic attraction or deliberately trying to convince herself she is capable of romantic attraction at all, and that she is now ready to accept herself as she is.

So if they’re both demiromantic, the potential may be there for a romantic relationship to form, but as of season four, I don’t see them that way.  They are undeniably each other’s best friends and mean more to each other than any other person has or ever will, but there is no indication here that I can see that their feelings go beyond (queer)platonic.  And honestly, I kinda like them that way.  It works for them.

SINK OR SHIP?: I hereby christen this ship the SS Queer Biffles.