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leeminuwu · 2 years ago

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MY HAPPY MARRIAGE | Gojo Satoru (2)

—In which the disgraced older daughter of a small clan gets an offer from the strongest sorcerer in the world, an offer she can't refuse, an unusual prospect of marriage.

TW : domestic violence, physical abuse, suicidal ideation, suicide, self harm, 18+ themes | minors dni

Pairing : Gojo Satoru X OC, slight! Geto suguru x oc, slight! Sukuna X OC

Part One

TWENTY YEARS AGO

THE FIRST TIME a young Gojo Satoru arrived at the Furukawa household, he was eight years old. A god amongst men. A prodigy of his clan. That is what he knew and it was also the truth. To be born with both six eyes and limitless at his disposal, he was a young god amongst Jujutsu Sorcerers. Hence, warm hospitality was something he didn't particularly worry about. He knew that everyone cowered at his feet to please him, especially if it was a family trying to climb the prestige ladder in the Jujutsu World. Much like the Furukawa clan. Yet, he found himself exasperated and frankly bored listening to the full discussions of the elders.

Despite all his powers, Gojo Satoru was still a child. He wished to play, and the gardens looked especially tempting. But a problem arose, who can I play with?. The youngest son of the house was a mere child of five, who seemed quite stupid for his own good.

If there were no chances of frolic, he decided to walk the gardens by himself. A decision, that earned him a sigh from his father and grandfather. I'll never be a bore like them when I grow up. He grumbled to himself, and skipped into the lush gardens that had bloomed under the spring's grace.

The gardens were certainly not as big as his clan's. The Furukawa household reeked of new money, and their pretentiousness of trying to come off as elegant sorcerers made Gojo Satoru bite back laugh. Yet the small garden helped him calm down quite a lot. The boy walked a far as he could from the house. A lot less people, a lot less cursed energy. He thought to himself. His eyes could detect the smallest amounts to cursed energy, and that day he had seen more than his fair share emitting from the house.

While he was grateful for his abilities. He often wondered, how the world looked like without all the curses in the air.

Lost in his introspections, the boy who could sense even the smallest movements around him, was startled by a loud thud.

"What the —" Gojo looked around him, only to find a girl positioned like a cat on her forelimbs, her yukata covered in mud.

Why didn't I sense her?

The young boy was irked by the girl's lack of presence and had decided to approach her. She'd clearly fallen off the tree, yet she'd not made a sound of pain and she'd continued to pick up persimmons off the ground.

"Oi, girl!" He'd called out to her, his cheeks puffing in annoyance. How did she not emit any cursed energy?

But the girl chose not to respond, as she continued to pick up the countless persimmons in her tiny arms.

"Hey, you—" he asked a little louder, the girl's ears perked up like a rabbit as she finally heard Gojo. His footsteps towards her had gotten louder.

"Are you talking to me?" The girl asked, as her eyes widened like a doe in the headlights.

"What is your name?"

"Furukawa Chihaya" The young Furukawa girl was still confused, the boy looked like a foreigner, with his white hair and and blue eyes and couldn't understand why a foreigner would speak to her in fluent japanese.

"But why do you—" before she could finish, the realisation dawned on her, making her eyes widened in surprise. The boy infront of her was no foreigner, it was the the prodigy, she'd heard about. He is like a god. She remembered her mother saying, as she wrapped her yukata that morn. "Kami Sama!" The girl exclaimed, bowing down abruptly as the orange fruits in her arms scattered on the ground once again, startling Gojo as well.

"Ha??" Gojo lifted his brow in confusion, "What are you doing? I am not a god, geez what a pain!" The boy spoke, running his hand through his hair.

The girl lifted up her head, only to restart picking up the fruits that had fallen down, "Mother told me to treat you like a one, because she says you are the blessed one" she said, while grabbing hold of the last stray fruit.

She turned to him and gave him a warm smile.

Gojo scoffed, "Yeah, whatever I don't really care" he cleared his throat and continued "Hey Chiyo, tell me something—"

"It's Chihaya actually—"

"Chiyo" He smirked, "Why don't you emit cursed energy, huh? Is this some sort of new trick that I don't know about?"

Chihaya tilted her head in sheer confusion. "I don't have cursed energy, Gojo sama" she stated in a matter of fact way.

"I don't believe you. That's not possible. Every human being emits cursed energy" More so, non curse users like her.

Chihaya smiled yet again, however this time her smile was melancholy. "I wish I had cursed energy, my father says my cursed energy is so less that he worries if I am even human" she chuckled.

Less? No. She didn't have any. He was certain of it. The girl was an anomaly.

"Does your cursed technique suppress your cursed energy then?" He asked again, just to be clear of the freak of nature that had taken a form of a young girl with chubby plush cheeks.

She tiled her head again, a confused look in her brown doe eyes, "I don't know what you mean"

Gojo felt like nature was playing a sick joke on him, making him come across someone who could evade six eyes with their lack of cursed energy. His anger diminished to amusement. What a strange girl. He took another look at her, her arms full of ripe persimmons as she looked around awkwardly.

"Do you want something?" She asked again, those same clueless eyes. Making the young boy realise, perhaps—that odd girl had been no threat at all. Perhaps his suspicions of her had been misplaced.

"You're so weird" Gojo cracked into a hearty laughter, "I never thought weaklings could be this entertaining!"

"How mean!" The girl lifted her cheeks in annoyance, and Gojo swore she looked as round as the persimmons she held. He pinched her cheeks, making her let out a small "ouch"

"I'll be taking some" the boy swiftly picked up two of the fruits the girl and gathered, and started to run away laughing about the whole ordeal. What a stupid, weird girl.

"Hey, give them back! I found them first!"

Chihaya ran behind him as much as her damned yukata allowed her to, dropping her collected fruits in the floor. The persimmons rolled scattered under the tree, once again.

_______________

PRESENT DAY

Years later, when Gojo Satoru returned to those shabby walls of the old Furukawa mansion, he had a characteristic smile on his face as he stood under the scrutinizing gazes the higher ups as head of his clan. Their faces veiled under the dimly lit room. It had been a while since as meeting of higher ups had occurred at the Furukawa household. It was an uncharacteristic destination, however it suited the main topic of contention for the day. The fate of Chihaya Furukawa.

In the dim room, Gojo could only make out the silhouette of Utahime. Whilst he felt Yaga's presence and stern gaze on him. Gojo was aware that his actions of transporting Chihaya to the Jujutsu High was a controversial one, however that day he was ready to face the music. He was ready to unveil what had occurred at the Chiba Montessori Academy, three days ago. After all, he never undertook actions were never without a reason.

"Are you aware about the number of casualties?"

"Of course" He replied, "I was the one who got her out of that fire after all" he continued with a finger to his chin "However, I believe the firefighters had already doused most of the fire that day"

"—20 children were injured and around of 2 staff were blazed" another added, prohibiting Gojo from digressing from the issue.

A small smirk formed on Satoru's face.

"But you probably don't care about that do you?" He questioned with a taunt in his voice. Earning a tsk from Utahime, who'd been escorting Gagkuganji at the council that day, out of sheer worry for her old friend.

Naobito Zenin appeared from the shadows, his disposition solemn as the Buddha, he was accompanied by Haruto Furukawa, his eyes devoid of any apparent emotion. Of course the head of the Zenin clan had to make his point. Especially since, he shared a cordial relationship with the leech of a man beside him. Haruto Furukawa carried a small diary with him, a decrepit object of old, as the man laid it forth on the small table that was kept at the centre of the dark room.

"This is my late wife's record" Haruto began, "She kept this diary to note down the various happenings of her daily life, this is but one of those several journals" He continued, as he stood under the dim light source that illuminated the room. Solidifying his position in the room full of esteemed sorcerer, his features from as a stern old judge, "As Yuki's husband, I believe I must atone for her crime against the Jujutsu council, for she and her esteemed family had hidden crucial details about their bloodline that could cause potential harm to the world at large" the man said, his voice strong as a horse, as his head bowed in shame.

It was the head of the Zenin clan who spoke up next, making the ashamed man, lift his head in surprise at the former's words.

Gojo smile grew. How unusual.

"Let me be clear as crystal" the man sighed, not a single emotion betraying his obdurate voice, "Chihaya Furukawa's body bears the mark of the unfortunate Machi curse sorcerers have been investigating for a while, her body is a bomb waiting to go off on the entire Jujutsu World" he continued, his dark eyes burrowing holes into Gojo's form, however the whole ordeal was merely amusing to him. "We are of the knowledge that Suguru Geto is trying to get through to her as well—hence, taking her in, would be a fallacy on your part"

"I am well aware of the risks" Gojo remarked.

"Are you?" It was now the head of the Furukawa clan who spoke, his voice bellowing with caution, "she is a vessel to a powerful sorceress Lady Akane, and we saw how she burnt the entire school. You are but playing with fire Gojo kun"

"See this is where you're wrong Furukawa san, Chihaya is not merely a vessel is she?" Gojo turned his eyes to Utahime who shifted uncomfortably. "I am sure there are those who are aware of the true nature of her power"

"She—" the woman sighed, insufferable brat. All the eyes had turned to her. "According to the brief research we conducted post the incident, we have suspicions and assume that she is not merely a vessel. If we are to look into the records of the Machi clan then, she is Akane herself. We can say that there was some reincarnation ritual involved before her death that bound her to the Machi bloodline. It is just that, her body hasn't been awakened yet, however, the incident at Chiba was a grave sign that her body may have finally started to awaken"

"Is there any confirmation regarding the nature of her power?" An elder asked from the shadows, his voice heavy with contempt. "Lady Akane was a sorceress of malice. While her vessel might be a much easier to eradicate. Reincarnation rituals are troublesome things"

Before Utahime could answer the elder's queries, a rather proactive Gojo Satoru, turned all eyes to his form with a chuckle and his rather animated style of walking and hovering hands to explain the ordeal. "It's difficult to break the cycle of birth and death, if she has bound herself to the bloodline. Killing her would risk a rebirth in the future in the same bloodline, perhaps a more distant relative who'd be much harder to track" Gojo stated in a matter of fact manner. His dark shades, sliding down his nose to reveal a mysterious glint in his eyes.

"We are still looking into the probably of the reincarnation ritual, there is hardly any proof for that. She might just be a vessel" Haruto Furukawa remarked, "I have sent Makoto and his cousins to seek out the records from the Machi household"

"Quite an elaborate way to say that you've sent out your son to kill your late wife's family" His playful eyes darkened as his lips upturned into a wicked smile, Gojo's hands were tucked behind his back as his six eyes burrowed holes into old Haruto's tainted soul.

The air in the roomed seem to thicken with the young sorcerer's accusation. Silence spoke the truth.

The tension was evaded as soon as Naobito Zenin cleared his throat.

"Vessel or a reincarnated sorceress, it would be dangerous to let her free nonetheless. However, the council is also well aware that killing her would only transfer the curse to some distant blood relative of the Machi clan" he continued, his eyes on Gojo as he spoke "keeping her in this compound of Furukawa estate itself is a good decision. As long as the transformation isn't complete"

Utahime's hands balled into fists. She couldn't believe that the higher ups would choose to keep her locked up with her scum of a father, rather than find a solution for her issue. Gojo could sense the woman's frustration, however he chose to wait before delivering his proposition.

"She is a walking hazard. Staying at home would keep her bounded" Haruto added curtly.

The head of the Gojo clan bursts into a laugh, holding onto his stomach, earning a glare from his old teacher, "You're funny old man, I thought you didn't have any sense of humour to you!"

"Excuse me?" Haruto Furukawa rolled his eyes in exasperation.

As Gojo compose himself, he grinned widely, his shit eating grin making most of the attendees groan internally, "Say, Chihaya—who is barely a grade 4 sorcer now, would atleast triple in her cursed energy output as Akane is awakened. Let's say she even ends up being a special grade 1 by the end of it. I doubt you or your son are even strong enough to handle her" he continued, as he walked towards the older man, his voice lowering in a sinister tone, "and what if Geto were to find? Would you be able to stop him?"

"We are willing to give our lives to end the witch who has bought immense shame to our name" Haruto bellowe with an unyielding resolve.

Gojo's eye twitched in annoyance. Bastards.

"And if situation calls for Geto Suguru to seek Chihaya out, we will not hesitate to end her life. Even if her awaking is not complete"

"Admirable" Gojo said with a tight smile. "but foolish"

This is not the time for me to be angry.

The voice of an older man resounded with reason, Gagkuganji, a man who remained a staunch follower of the higher-ups seemed to aid Gojo's cause, even if he was not aware of it, "Do you have a better alternative?" He continued, "Is it not better for a family to deal with the misgivings of their own blood rather than involving outsiders?"

"Precisely!" Gojo exclaimed, his swift change on time, startled Haruto Furukawa, much like the others present in the room.

"Matters of old curses should be solved within families" Gojo grinned turning to Haruto, the abhorrent grin resuming onto his features "Hence I present you with a prospect"

"A prospect?" The older man inquired, almost fearful of the next set of words that would spill out of Gojo Satoru's lips.

"I will marry your daughter!" Gojo exclaimed, pointing his slender finger at the older man, as his crystalline blue eyes peaked from the back of his glasses that had slid down his now slightly. His mouth was wide with a toothy grin and Haruto Furukawa swore he could hear his wife mocking him with a laugh from her grave.

The council erupted into murmurs.

Gojo Satoru had expected shock, but not such a lukewarm response to his proposition. Little did he know his sole, supposed, ally in that council, Utahime was seething at the young sorcerer from across the room.

"Nonsense" Haruto continued, after refusing simply as he waved his hand. "This is not the time for your frivolous propositions"

Gojo let out a hearty laugh, worsening the air of sheer gall that stopped the murmurs of the Jujutsu council

"Yet it is perfect opportunity" he said after composing himself, as he turned to the council, "I wish to take responsibility of Chihaya's life. I will wed her at the earliest date and then she will be under my care" walks around the room "If Akane chooses to evolve through Chihaya, I will make sure to end her life after the awakening and break the curse, so that it is no longer transferred to another faultless child"

Haruto gasped. Throughout his years in the Jujutsu World, the last thing he'd want to do was welcome a conceited Gojo into his family. His eyes shifted to Naobito Zenin, who stood with a poker face, contemplating on the whole ordeal.

"Why is it that the great Gojo Satoru chooses to take upon himself the matters of the Furukawa household?" The Zenin headman asks, with a hint of venom in his voice.

"Because I am the strongest" he stated with a smirk as he turned to meet Yaga's gazs, his voice lower than before "Only I can keep her out of Geto's reach"

Whilst his words were firm declaration to the entire council. Yaga could almost sense a hint of sincerity in his old student's voice.

________

GOJO SATORU HAD received an earful from Yaga post the council meeting. However his perils were far from being dismissed. As he teleported back to the Tokyo Metropolitan Jujutsu High, he felt a rage filled surge of cursed energy almost smacking him at the back of his head. An attempt, that had been promptly blocked by the likes of his infinity once again.

"GOJO SATORU, YOU PIG!" Utahime screamed as she almost pounced on the younger man with her cursed energy. "I'm not going to let you honey trap my bestfriend"

Gojo let out a laugh, turning to meet the livid eyes of his senior.

"That's a lot of concern for someone who abandoned you and Shoko on a breezy August morning" he chimed in, clearly grinding the woman's gears.

She let out a tsk in annoyance to his words. Why did he have to bring that up. She wondered.

"She was going through a lot back then. I could never be mad at her for leaving us out of the blue. Especially with her father and her engagement—"

"Yeah, yeah save the sob stories for the reunion" Gojo faked a yawn, irking the woman yet again. This brat.

"For the record, I am not honey trapping her" he smirked as he continued, with his hands tucked behind him, "I am just keeping her away from Geto"

"It's rich of you to think that she would just go with him if he called for her" Utahime scoffed. As the evening breeze around them seemed to become chilly. Gojo's eyes turned to see the light clouds that formed a haze in the sky.

"It's hard to let go of one's first love" he said with a small smile on his lips.

Utahime could only stare at him in disbelief.

"I don't think she's particularly hung up on him after all these years"

Gojo chuckled. "You'd be surprised by how one continues to cherish their youth"

The older woman groaned. Gojo Satoru was making no sense, let alone, speaking like his usual self. She knew Geto Suguru was a sensitive topic for him but who knew he could speak in riddles for his sake. She rubbed her temple furiously in confusion. "What is the point? You plan to kill her anyway don't you? I never thought you'd make it easier for Jujitsu council to carry out sentences for once"

"She won't have to die" he said with a confident smile.

Utahime was dumbstruck. Gojo Satoru seemed to have lost the last bit of normalcy.

"You're telling me you'll break that thousand year long curse?!" She exclaimed in disbelief, her eyes widening in surprise.

"Ding ding ding, Correct answer! You bet I will find a way!" Gojo grinned ear to ear.

Under the soft moonlight, Gojo's words seemed the most unrealistic promise shed heard all her life. A plea of making the impossible come true. She wanted to punch the man for playing with her friend's dimming life, yet, that night, much to the woman's dismay, Utahime was presented with a flicker of hope, which she would nurture for a while.

Thank you for reading. Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist :)

#jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen imagines #gojo satoru x you #gojo satoru x oc #gojo satoru x y/n #gojo satoru #gojo x y/n #jjk gojo #jujutsu kaisen fluff #jujutsu kaisen x reader

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rhapsodyred-writes · 7 months ago

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Thanks for tagging me @rhodophoria! I hope you're okay if I answer this on my writing blog!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

Currently, ten.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

115,657 and good lord that's so much higher than I thought it would be.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Right now, just Undertale. It's been a long time since the hyperfixation has grabbed me hard enough to inspire me to write fic for anything but Undertale.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Across Enemy Lines (256)

When corporate doesn't understand family (35)

this is personal (23)

the Joy in the Slow (21)

Stars and Scars (15)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Not really? I probably should, for more interaction. I just get a little hidey sometimes, and I never really know what to say back.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably When corporate doesn't understand family, but since it's a collaborative work, I can't really take credit for the ending. I don't even think I was expecting it.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hmm, hard to say. Tempted to say Neutral Evil with a Protective Streak.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Nope.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

On occasion. I have a strange relationship with writing my own smut, so most of what I write will never be posted for others to read. For those following AEL, though... >:3c

If I'm writing smut solo I try to keep it short and sweet. I have a tendency to gloss over details because I get very embarrassed writing intimate details. With a good writing partner I can be a bit braver though!

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

In high school I started (and never finished) a crossover-self-insert fic of myself and some friends, with all the fictional boys we were collectively hyperfixating on. If I finished it, it would have been a disorganized mess. /lh

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I'm aware of, but I don't think I'd be against it.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes! I'm co-writing a fic currently! Also, everything on my AO3 is co-written lol. A lot of my solo writing is here on this blog! (Most of it doesn't count as fic though, because it circles mainly around my OCs.)

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

These days, it's almost all character x self. I don't ship characters together as much as I used to, and have been finding much more satisfaction in selfshipping lately!

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

There are any number of abandoned WIPs I'd like to pick back up, but know I won't or can't, for any number of reasons. Sometimes it's hard to do collaborative work on something when the hyperfixation yanks your writing partner in a different direction.

16. What are your writing strengths?

When I get in the groove, the words flow like spilled ink. Sometimes that translates to beautiful flowery prose, or contemplative introspection. I can write paragraphs of introspection and observation and not realize how much I've written where nothing has actually happened.

Also dialogue! I once had a school teacher tell me I was really good at dialogue, and that has stuck with me since.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Most of it boils down to making myself sit down and actually write. If I look at writing as a chore, my brain will refuse to do it, and while this isn't technically a writing weakness, it is something that very often keeps me from writing.

Timing is another thing. Remembering how much time has passed in universe, or what is a reasonable amount of Things to do in one in-universe day.

Also commas. I tend to write like an 18th century poet in that I use way more commas than are strictly necessary.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I have conflicting feelings on this. On one hand, I love for people to be able to showcase that a fic is taking place in a certain part of the world based on language. On the other hand it reminds me a little of flipping to the back of a classic novel for end notes that give historical context to what I'm reading. It's good to have that context, but flipping to the back of the book to understand something takes me out of the experience.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

The very first? That would probably have been Harry Potter, and I would have been about 12.

But the first fanfic I wrote was about my kindergarten best friend's imaginary friend, who was an anthropomorphic cat who wore his hat backwards, and I thought he was sooooo cool. (Technically I dictated it to my mom, who then wrote it, but it still counts.)

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Across Enemy Lines, and not only because I'm dating my co-writer. Our writing styles flow together so well, and it's been so much fun to work on!

Tagging @lady-of-disdain and @feral-fantic, but no pressure! Only if you want to do it!

#not writing #tag game #red talks #this was fun!#thanks for the tag

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bluejaybytes · 8 months ago

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can I get umm. honesty, love and kindness for Parker?

HONESTY– What kinds of small lies do they tell others? What lies do they tell themselves? What is the biggest lie they’ve told?

She enjoys lying to SPECIFICALLY Tess for fun. Her favorite game to play is stealing shit from Tess just to see how long it takes for her to notice.

Beyond her just causing problems on purpose, Parker lies about... a lot of things! A lot of the stuff she's not telling the truth about are just things she's neglecting to say rather than outright lies, but like, she refuses to tell ANYONE about what her homelife was like or why she ran away as a teenager, and once she deserts, she doesn't tell Jake any of her reasoning why or even about the fact she abandoned her girlfriend at the time with no warning. For the outright LIES, that's also a pretty major one. During the time Parker was planning her desertion, she not only didn't tell her girlfriend, Molly, about the fight she had with Tess that started it, but she outright lies to Molly and says that she and Tess are on good terms, despite the fact that Parker's entirely checked out of their friendship at this point.

Another very big incident of her lying is actually AFTER she's sanitized and subsequently brought back, which is that she doesn't tell Jake she remembers physically attacking and attempting to kill him. HE has no memory of this, as the event resulted in severe memory loss on his behalf, but SHE does, and instead of telling him, she tells him she doesn't remember what happened after her sanitization, or what happened to him after that. This, of course, comes back to bite her in the ass, but if I don't stop myself now this will just end up as an incredibly long(er) essay on What The Fucks Up With Parker. Moreso than it already is

For lies she's telling herself... everything! To be fair, the majority of the things you could categorize as "lies she's telling herself", she GENUINELY has no idea that she's deeply mentally ill, she JUST assumes this is the normal response to the things that happen to her. There are a FEW she's more actively repressing however, namely, she doesn't tell Jake about Molly until she absolutely has to, and she's largely in denial of just how badly Molly (and Tess as well) would've taken her desertion. She tries her hardest to convince herself that their reaction MUST'VE been "They're mad at me but will move on soon", and not the intense and extreme heartbreak BOTH of them felt in the aftermath of everything. Turns out NO ONE benefits from this! Wow!

LOVE– What attachment styles do they experience? How involved are they in their friends, family, and loved one’s worries, hopes, or goals? Do they turn to their loved ones for support? Do they let people who love them help them?

Parker is both VERY clingy and VERY attentive to her loved ones, ESPECIALLY her various partners. Despite her lack of emotional maturity and regarding self-introspection, she's shockingly quite good at being a reassuring and kind person towards the people she's close with when they need it... with some exceptions. She thinks about her partners CONSTANTLY, and will ALWAYS go out of her way to be there for them, it's just that she really doesn't always know how to actually DO that. She still tends to be pretty abrasive and rude even around the people she loves, but they will have gotten used to that already to have even been CASUAL friends with her, her roughhousing is just part of who she is, and they can tell the difference between her being a dick because she's just Being A Dick, versus when she's doing it in a more playful manner.

She worries about her loved ones... a fair amount, though she really doesn't treat Tess at all the way the should, failing to recognize when her playful prodding ends up hurting Tess more than just being a game of theirs, which is a large reason as to why their friendship disintegrates the way it does.

She just straight up HATES being cared for beyond just basic "being cared about". She views herself very much as a protector of the people she cares about, and also as someone who's very self-reliant, so any time she's in a situation where she needs support, she's NOT going to tell anyone, and when she's forced to take it, she's going to feel MISERABLE about it. She wants to help HER partners, not the other way around. She figures she knows what's best for herself, and that she can handle all of her problems by herself. If her loved ones need her help, she'll be there as soon as she can, but she will NOT ask for help under ANY circumstances

KINDNESS– Do they go out of their way to do favorable acts for other people? Do they treat themselves?

People she cares about? Absolutely! Otherwise not at all. Unless she sees some sort of direct benefit to herself or some form of bragging rights, she's not going to. That said, part of this is also just that she tends not to really pay much attention to people around her that she's not already close with. If someone directly ASKS her to help with something, she might with no benefits to herself, but she's never going to notice someone in need of help otherwise. This DOES get better with time, as once she's surfaced and recovered a bit, being around the others helps her learn to pay attention and watch out for the people around her, but even then she still doesn't tend to rush to help someone out of her way

#sorry i went on forever. Parker Moment.#i care her. very much.#parker is... very much a hypocrite. so so much. she has so many double standards that she doesnt even realize she has #WHAT NO EMOTIONAL MATURITY DOES TO A MF!!!!!!!!!#my OCs #the squits

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ziracona · 1 year ago

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Gnawing biting scratching at your walls WHAT THE FUCK ZIRA THAT SCENATIO SOUNDS SO COOL poor j&j tho :( and yeah julie definitely came across as self aware with her dissasociation and idk if ill articulate this properly before sleeping but with the way u wrote and spoke about her its seemed like julie's spent a lot of her life in fear or unloved/mistreated/uncared for by partners or parents until the rest of the legion and later on jeff. It seemed like she became pretty present in The Big Escape chapter where she kind of snapped out of it due to (possibly?) Feeling fear again but also guilt towards jeff. And then later when realizing she was 'losing' susie. I am rotating the legion in my head rn

She has. She’s a very interesting and complex person. She mentions that she didn’t love Frank until the moment he killed a man for her, because she knew then that he was completely at her mercy, and he’d done it to himself in an unrecoverable way, by choice. Which made her believe he truly did love her. But also because she could tell he wasn’t sure what she’d do, which meant he saw her as a real, complete person, not some idea of one. For Julie, Frank is the first person who lets her be every part of her, and values them, even the scary ones or the bad ones. He does this often in an unhealthy way, absolutely, but it’s a crucial thing for others to allow you to do, and I think a lot of us would take a bad version over none at all. (In fairness to Susie, Susie did sort of that too, but Susie excused away any flaw or darkness as really something else. Frank saw the hungry, vicious part of her ready to eat a heart if pushed to return fire just the way Julie saw it, and liked it because he had it too.)

So she’s got an extremely complex relationship to herself. All of Legion handles Jeff wanting to take them in differently, with some amount of guilt (sincere remorse from Joey and worry it’s not enough, Frank’s statement it’s too late for them and this is wasted effort, and refusal to believe the situation), but Julie is the only one to reject the offer on Jeff’s behalf. She tells him if he keeps forgiving people like her so easily, someday it’ll get him killed. And pushes him several times to reject her, using his fear of her. She’s a very interesting woman. She’s also the one who tells Frank he has standards when he says he wouldn’t kill Joey for her, which he thinks is odd becuase that’s more basic humanness than any kind of goodness.

To Susie’s credit, though, and later Jeff’s, Julie was never as bad a person as she thinks she is. She is just afraid of herself, because she’s not at all like she’s supposed to be.

You’re right she has some moments she is much more clocked in—not always when she’s active though. During Kindred, she’s not when she’s fighting, not until Susie threatens to kill herself. No One But You has her at like 0% until she actively chooses to try and be introspective. Even then, she tends to pick things apart in her hollow way. Not because there is nothing there, but because she’s afraid to touch it enough to feel it real in her hands.

Oh and thank you! Yeah I loved the concept of that chapter.

#ask #sleepy anon #in living memory (fic)#in living memory #Julie Strand #dead by daylight

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maya-matlin · 1 year ago

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Hi Ashton! I'm committed to writing Zig/Maya fanfic this holiday season but need your expert analysis :) What do you think are Zig and Maya's major similarities? Their major differences? How do you see them spending their free time? What do you see them connecting most about and clashing most about? What professions do you see them pursuing --she'll be a cellist or music teacher maybe but what about him?! Do you see them as parents? Having pets? No pressure to answer but I live for your responses :)

Hi!! And ooh, that's cool that you want to write a Zaya holiday fic. I'd love to read it.

Hmm. You'd think this would be easy for me to answer, but I had to think about this. Honestly, I'm not sure Zig and Maya are all that similar. The main similarities that jump out to me is that both seem to value a relationship based on an emotional connection and friendship rather than a mostly physical one. Both are extremely loyal people and will do whatever they can for their friends and loved ones as well as each other. Neither is afraid to get involved, often being the one to step in to defend someone else.

As for their differences, Maya's more ambitious than Zig. By the time we meet Maya, her heart is already set on having a future in music. While her passion eventually shifted from being a cellist to wanting to be something akin to Taylor Swift, Maya always tried to put her dreams first. It's not that Zig is lacking in passion, but he doesn't have the confidence in himself to be successful. There are hints that he'd make a good chef and it's implied Zig continued to cook off screen during Next Class, but we never see any story line or moment that suggests he's all that passionate about cooking. It's just something he does and seems to enjoy, but it's never presented as his "thing" the way Maya has her music, Tiny has marine biology or Grace has technology (?). What's funny is that compared to a lot of characters, Zig has a decent variety of talents. It's just that they were eventually dropped or in the case of music, Zig was retconned into being a bad guitar player to make him look like an obsessive, pathetic boyfriend for wanting to join his girlfriend's band when he'd literally been the lead singer/bassist of Maya's last band. Zig is much more open about his feelings than Maya. Throughout their relationship (even before they were officially dating), Zig was the one voicing his wants while Maya was more hesitant and introspective. Maya had a tendency to go into denial if it meant her feelings would cause friction within her friend group. So in that way, you could say Maya is more selfless while Zig is a bit more self involved? He's more impulsive than Maya, not always seeing the bigger picture, while she seems to consider everything first. When Maya is hurt and upset, she shuts down, removing herself from the situation and refusing to engage unless provoked. Zig feels the need to overcompensate, sometimes acting like an asshole to convince the person hurting him that he doesn't care. In spite of all this, I actually think Zig is the more sensitive of the two and the more observant one. Maya's also sensitive and pays attention, but she sometimes misses the mark.

I honestly see Zig and Maya spending a lot of nights in their apartment considering Zig is such a good cook. They're not homebodies by any means, but they're happy to spend intimate nights alone together. They'd probably catch up on shows and movies they've been meaning to watch, listen to or play music, have a good conversation, or just end up having sex. When they go out, they enjoy live music and doing something more physical like going to the beach. According to the writers' Twitter, Zig and Maya learned how to surf, so maybe they're the surfing type of couple. They wouldn't be afraid to try new things or basically just eat their way through LA.

Mostly little things, honestly. There would be miscommunications from time to time or moments where they would get under each other's skin, but overall their relationship is pretty harmonious. Both seem pretty open to compromise and at their best, have a strong communication. However, Zig has some jealousy and insecurity issues that he needs to work through in order to be the best partner he can be for Maya. And considering the incident with Zoe in high school, Maya's going to have moments where she needs extra reassurance history won't be repeating itself. Really, I see both trying too hard to make sure everything is normal and they don't have their respective issues, resulting in things blowing up when they fail to be honest about their insecurities. Ultimately, I think they'll have a moment where they lay it all on the table and basically agree to voice these thoughts to each other, no matter how irrational. After that, I imagine things would improve.

In my mind, Zig eventually attends culinary school and becomes a chef. While cooking wasn't presented as Zig's passion the way music was Maya's, I think going into the restaurant industry makes a lot of sense for Zig. He'd really like the idea of people enjoying something he made.

Yes, they definitely become parents. Zig might have some fears over becoming a father due to his own parents basically abandoning him before his sixteenth birthday, not even coming back into his life during a literal life or death moment (I'm never forgiving his shitty parents for not coming to see their son after he almost died in the bus crash. No wonder he spent most of his senior year with Esme). But I also think Zig likes kids and would love the idea of starting a family with Maya. When it comes to Maya, kids were probably always going to be part of her future. She's a natural caretaker and comes from a very family oriented background. While I don't see her wanting to seriously think about becoming a mom until her career is more stable, she'd also love the idea of having a family with Zig. I feel like they'd be married for a few years before having their first kid, possibly at some point in their early 30's.

Yes, they'd have pets! Zig strikes me as a dog person, but I could see Maya loving cats and dogs pretty equally. Maybe they'd have one of each. Maya occasionally has to talk Zig out of adopting more pets.

#Zaya #otp: It felt like the world was gonna end #Anonymous #I tried LOL #Someone definitely could have answered these questions better than me

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17yearslatewithlattes · 2 years ago

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In an effort to keep myself sane in what’s clearly gonna be a series of John episodes I’m (mostly) condensing my John rage to one post. Just ignore me I’ve gotta get it out somewhere.

Every time I think I must be being too hard on John he makes the mistake of showing up on screen and I have to dig a deeper hole to bury my expectations for him

John: I need your help finding an incredibly dangerous magical gun.

Dean and Sam: Cool. Mind telling us it’s special powers so we know what to look out for:

John: No.

—

Okay I know this is the men refusing to communicate show, but even by spn standards John’s categorical refusal to give his sons basic information relevant to cases and their baseline survival is genuinely starting to feel pathological at this point.

At first I thought I was just being mean and petty by theorizing that it was a control tactic to keep them dependent on him, but I’m struggling to see any other explanation at this point.

Edit: Okay having watched the whole episode I suppose he’d say that absolute unquestioning obedience is the best guarantor of safety. If I put in the work of remembering that John was in the army I can dredge up some empathy through recognizing that this thinking was no doubt aggressively drilled into him.

That being said, that kinda authoritarian thinking does SO much damage wherever it’s found, and when it’s coming from a parent? Yikes. And it cannot continue to function without a high degree of arrogance, self-aggrandizing, and tearing down of those ‘under’ you (all of which we see John engaging in constantly). In John’s case it also requires a certain fundamental lack of curiosity and refusal to learn when the results are constantly exposing the fundamental flaws in the approach.

—

I will fully own that I’m being petty with this, but: I would like to observe that after however long searching for a way to kill the yellow-eyed demon, when John finds out about the colt it is %100 disconnected from any of the research he insists he’s doing. He pulled a letter found by his sons out of their hands and by pure chance it says ‘go here for the kill everything gun’.

Wait now I say that out loud I stand by it, that’s a solid point in the ‘John is a shit hunter who builds up his own legend by belittling his sons and taking credit for their accomplishments column.’

Here’s the petty part: maybe if John was capable of maintaining any relationship at all Elkins would have just told him about the gun instead of John having to wait all these years to learn about it by accident (through his sons being smart and good at their jobs).

—

Credit where it is due. I was pleasantly surprised by John’s talk with Sam about why he raised them that way and why he responded so horrifically to Sam leaving for college. There’s plenty I take issue with in the particulars of the speech, but when push comes to shove that was a lot closer to an apology and involved something a whole lot closer to genuine introspection than I expected.

He’s given enough reason to distrust him that I do think it may (at least in part) be a manipulation tactic; placating Sam so he’ll stick around until John’s had use of him. But I would like Sam to have that catharsis and will give John the benefit of the doubt unless he forces me to rescind it.

—

However, just in case I was considering softening towards John, the first thing he does after being nice to Sam for five seconds is use Dean as bait. I would like to observe that this is the first possible opportunity John has had during the show for using Dean as bait on a hunt and he is TAKING it.

—

I would like to note that John shows 0 interest in saving the vampire’s captives at any point of this episode. I mean he’d likely have gotten around it to (assuming he’d noticed they were there) but I don’t actually have any concrete reason to assume that without once again giving him the benefit of the doubt when he’s done nothing to earn it. Funny that

—

Minimal credit time part 2: This time when his son’s save his life John actually admits it instead of making them feel like it was was their fault he was in trouble in the first place. And look, going back to the authoritarianism thing, admitting that their disobeying an order had a positive effect, even going so far as to change his mind about his insistence on going it alone that he’s been so didactic about really does seem like a big deal to him, and as infuriating as his behavior has been this episode, taken by itself this episode really looks like it could be a turning point towards John learning to be a better father and building a more positive relationship with his sons.

Like really truly I like when characters learn and grow and I think it’d be awesome if Sam and Dean’s relationship with their father improved. If I hadn’t spent so much time in Supernatural tumblr I really think I’d be holding out a bit of hope for this man right now.

Unfortunately for my optimism on this point I have spent so much time on Supernatural tumblr

—

I have Thoughts about John’s relentless “it’s because I care about you” excuse for every action he takes. However they are still formulating and I have a funny feeling that it’s gonna keep coming up in the next two episodes, so I’ll let those simmer for now.

#spn watch #1x20 #dead man's blood #supernatural

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luuurien · 2 years ago

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RAYE - My 21st Century Blues

(Pop Rap, Contemporary R&B, Pop Soul)

Now an independent artist and in full control of her artistry, RAYE’s ambitious debut album is a messy but lovable collection of introspective pop songs where her many different goals coalesce into a larger whole that doesn’t quite ever make it clear what she wants to do. By trying to do a little bit of everything, My 21st Century Blues struggles to say much at all.

☆☆☆

Rachel Keen has done lots in her years as a musician, yet it’s not until now that she has been able to release her debut. Signed to Polydor at 17, they put strict limitations on what she could do with her career and refused to let her release her first album, trapping her in the world of singles and EP’s that stifled her artistry and made it impossible for her to gain enough traction to meet their qualifications at all. Now, after parting ways in 2021, she has the independence and power to release her debut album My 21st Century Blues, recounting everything she couldn’t say in her time with Polydor and what the future of her music as RAYE might look like. In concept, it’s a massively empowering and artistically exhilarating moment for Keen, her refusal to distort her vision for the industry leading her to absolute freedom and the ability to do whatever she likes in every part of her music and say whatever she’d like. In its full 47 minutes, though, My 21st Century Blues has trouble saying anything specific, Keen jumping from statements on her time under an oppressive label to personal struggles and her encounters with abuse to sweet love songs with abandon, touching upon many topics but never finding a throughline to connect them all. In turn, the album can be a bit of a drag to sit through even if its songs tend to be well put together and enjoyable to listen to, My 21st Century Blues presenting itself more like a collage of how Keen bounces between genres and ideas than anything else and losing out on the full emotional punch of many ideas when one is so isolated from the next (on occasion, the songs themselves are just kind of bad overall). It’s not a bad debut for Keen by any means, but she makes it hard to figure out exactly what she wants to achieve as RAYE in the future. In its strongest moments, Keen melds her detailed and passionate songwriting with production weighty and detailed enough to match it. Largely produced by Keen herself and pop heavyweight Mike Sabath, Keen takes advantage of his boisterous and dramatic style without succumbing to the pitfalls of the one-dimensional radio pop he’s previously had a hand in (you can find him on tracks like Meghan Trainor’s Wave and Shawn Mendes’ It’ll Be Okay). Keen’s often conversational vocal delivery in her songs lends itself to these thick, blurry blocks of instrumentation, the Ibiza house of Black Mascara darkened by a tense rap verse that directly confronts a man who’d spiked a drink in the past that brings depth and greater weight to the oppressive vocal layers and thumping four-on-the-floor, while breakout single Escapism indulges in whining G-funk synths and a fantastically heavy drum groove perfectly fit for the seductive and venomous bender she goes on after a breakup and the regrets that come the morning after, Keen’s range as a performer broader than most and allowing her to bounce around different genres without sacrificing her personality or storytelling in the process. Her writing can, at times, feel like it’s a hammer stamping every emotion straight down onto a song even when the production and her vocals imply subtlety and detail - I’m thinking particularly of Body Dysmorphia and how it discusses eating disorders so plainly even when the drowsy beat pines for something less linear and the self-described “...love song to {her} addiction” Mary Jane where Sabath’s minimalist production causes lines like “You're a stone cold bitch in the morning, aren't you?” or “And I bought three bottles 'cause I tend to drink you dry” to lose any impact when Keen’s singing them so straight - but overall the two of them find a strong balance between mainstream-friendly pop songcraft and the sinister energy Keen’s looking to unleash after years of being locked under a label. When she lightens up the production with pop soul numbers like The Thrill Is Gone and Worth It, it undeniably feels like a comfort zone and lacks much of the scene-setting the rest of My 21st Century Blues thrives on, but she makes great use of these smoother soul numbers to provide breathing room in the tracklist and show off her powerhouse vocals (especially in the finals chorus of Worth It). The unevenness in style and tone throughout My 21st Century Blues affects the album as a whole, but on a track-by-track basis and looking at Keen’s raw talent as a producer and vocalist, there’s lots to love about everything she brings to the table here. But this is still a 47 minute listen in full, and with that Keen’s broad stylistic strokes and scattered pacing throughout the album causes it to drag in ways that feel strange when much of the album is always steadfastly moving forward. There’s a disconnect in feel from track to track when it seems like each song doesn’t have much of a connection to the next, most notably in the core of the album where dark ballad Ice Cream Man is situated between the woozy pop soul of The Thrill Is Gone and spiky rap cut Flip a Switch, Ice Cream Man stuffed between two tracks with no relation to it and causing so much of its emotional weight to be smothered as a result, Keen giving you no time to process the story of abuse and reclaiming her power in one of the album’s most vital moments. Keen has referred to the album during interviews as “songs I’ve had for years but was never encouraged to share,” and though hearing so many sides of Keen at once is often beautiful, it turns the album more into a collage than a singular listen, fit for you to pick some favorites from rather than sit with from front to back when no one feeling is able to be engaged with for longer than three or four minutes at a time. These songs all feel particularly charged in their individual lanes - drama laden R&B, swooning pop, infectious UK rap - but My 21st Century Blues never finds a way to unite all these ideas under one goal, and when the topic matter and mood of these songs shifts so wildly, it’s difficult to gain much of an emotional connection to the album as a whole. For what it lacks in clarity and meticulousness, My 21st Century Blues brings vibrance out of every side of Keen’s artistry, showing off not only how comfortable she is in trying new things but how she can modulate between styles and keep the foundations of her music intact. She’s refused to let the industry mold her, and part of the joy of this album is hearing Keen prove to both herself and the label she left how invaluable her talents are and how much she can do when given the opportunity. She’s inventive in her approach to modern pop and R&B blends and how she can fuse those ideals into whatever she likes, be it brooding house-pop or a gospel finale about shaking ass, My 21st Century Blues encapsulating a little bit of everything that makes RAYE - that alone makes it more than worth a bit of your time.

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198d · 2 years ago

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i think its the love/hate relationship i have with therapy that makes online discussions about it difficult to digest, or at least in the sense of uhh the therapy speak topic. never feels like theres enough discussion about the limitations of therapy especially as it concerns people who are, in some way, alienated by society either through marginalization, class struggle, disability, etc.

trying to cope with an environment where you're repeatedly in stress just turns into a constant up-and-down compiled with shame for me anyway, like, 'im doing what im supposed to be doing so why is it not working'

not even to mention how common it is for these people, especially, to have therapy weaponized against them. i was lucky enough to have a therapist affirmative enough to gladly help me access hormones, but that was after a very troubling instance when i was 16 where my therapist outed myself to my mom and i just refused to see her anymore afterwards. trying to find 'the right one' is a crapshoot, and the bad experiences just compound the self-doubt and cynicism towards the institution of psychology as a whole

the distance that a therapist creates between a client, which is the healthiest way of going about it for both parties as a power-imbalanced, personal relationship is very Not Good (and god knows it can lead to vulnerable people being easily taken advantage of), can leave some with a misunderstanding or numbness towards the aspects of a real, fulfilling relationship with an equal party. this is where the tools we're taught for introspection can lead us to further alienation even from our peers.

even now as i'm trying to find another one thanks to how shit school is on my idiot brain, i already have to theorized about 'how im going to handle it'. having a difficult time forming attachments to people is a benefit in this situation (with therapy being both distant and temporary), but a detriment in every other aspect of my life, and knowing that makes it hard to believe that there will be a fulfilling way for me to change that part of me. perhaps thats why im more warmed up to the idea of psychoactive therapies outside of the typical 'heres an antidepressant' regimen?

I think knowing my roommates ex-partner for a while when they were still somewhat together, who is a therapist, has made me do a lot of thinking on it too. I don't think I have a place to confront it (difficulty with attachment == too much distance for me to have much to say), but I could tell when she utilized her therapeutic trainings as a way to hurt my roommate. and now that she (who is in her mid to upper 30s I'm pretty sure) is engaged to someone who was also in our friends circle (who is my age, and suffered from a lot of bad shit) makes me feel a lot more concerned about it. she resisted introspection on her willing and knowingly participating in adultery with a married man, and does not at all have any introspection on her alcohol consumption, and its like. yeah. these people are fallible, and that inevitably carries over into their work with some of the most vulnerable people.

social support systems have always been much more helpful for me, but again. attachment problem. i'm just constantly on the outside looking in when it comes to group situations. so idk, life sux smoke weed or whatever

tangential article(s) semi-related: https://internetprincess.substack.com/p/no-good-alone https://persinette.substack.com/p/less-tiktok-more-screaming

#born in hearts etched in cold

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clone-wars-retteyo-au · 2 months ago

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One fun yet tricky aspect of my AU (that I tend to do with worldbuilding cultures in general) is cultural/societal flaws, one of the biggest ones being a very "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" attitude that ends up causing issues. This results in a lot of issues related to mental health in which a large percentage of clones (particularly older ones) are bottling up their feelings despite having some absolutely insane amounts of trauma (I have a whole lot to say about how the clones compartmentalize trauma in general, but that's not the point here).

A big plot point in the AU is that, after many have settled down and created a new status quo within the peaceful era, an "epidemic" of sorts begins to appear that primarily targets the oldest generation of clones (AKA the ones who fought in the war). Aggression issues, reckless/self destructive behavior, "sudden" depressive episodes, intense mental breakdowns and psychotic breaks, etc.

Crime amongst older clones skyrockets in a way that appears almost unexpected, as many of these clones used to be relatively put together and level headed. It is eventually revealed that the biggest cause is that their mental blocks have started breaking down, and the pent up trauma is all surfacing at once.

Some members of the younger generation who have only know times of peace are a bit less emotionally constipated and realize that maybe these guys need some help, but even the older clones who realized that their situation was messed up absolute refuse to deal with any of their issues or go to therapy because why would they need that? There's some other stuff, but you probably get the point.

As a whole, I just feel like even the most introspective of clones who realize their situation was messed up don't fully think about how far down it reaches. Some might think that they are fully aware of their trauma, but in reality, they aren't actually as aware of all of their issues as they might like to think. Or even if they know that their situation was messed up, they don't really register that "hey, maybe that caused some issues in my brain. Maybe I should work on that."

I enjoy this fandom's overwhelmingly wholesome portrayal of the clones as individuals and as a community but ngl their upbringing on Kamino would foster a ton of toxic attitudes that I'd like to hear more people's takes on.

I think esp where mental health and performance issues are concerned the vibes would be RANCID. Again I love wholesome clones, and I'm not saying there wouldn't be any of those, but the Kamino cloning facilities are exactly the sort of environment that produces ppl who say shit like "everyone is doing this, why can't you?" or "just be normal" or "stop being depressed". Imo this kind of thinking would have a big impact on aspects of clone culture and community (since there's no such thing as a community without problems like that).

Imagine literally having the same DNA as everyone else but you're failing at something that millions of people with your exact "hardware" have perfected before. Both your creators and your own brothers just place all those "default" expectations on you. And how does that translate to the battlefield? You simply cannot show weakness bc at home, that would make you an inferior product, and on the job it would jeopardize your mission and everyone around you. You'd be stuck in an endless cycle of "man up and get your shit together" and more exploration of that would be fascinating I think.

Overall I'm advocating for more clones that kind of just turn out to be bad people bc it's not like goodness is coded into their genes. It's not like they were raised to be sweet and goofy, but a bunch of them just choose to become sweet and goofy people despite everything. Food for thought

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jaggedwolf · 5 months ago

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pll rewatch 2x14

The one where Spencer throws a trash bag at Emily

Because she does do that, and the bag splits open on Emily. Do you think Spencer and Emily discussed boundaries for this fight? Because I think they were just like HELL YEAH WE’LL GO ALL OUT ON EACH OTHER and Hanna and Aria shrugged since they don’t gotta do shit

Anw I love that they decide a brawl is necessary for the scheme.

Ashley must be so bewildered by the cold war going in her own house...did Hanna and Emily talk to each other normally in their bedroom or not even there?

Ezra is walking out of a bike shop and instead of paying attention to anything he is saying I am thinking about whether Paige goes to this bike shop and has had to run into her former teacher who had to de-escalate her dad that one time

Garrett: “You keep saying things to me like they’re supposed to mean something.” LMAO a classic Spencer Hastings experience.

In googling to confirm the spelling of his name, I’ve learned there is an actual person called Garrett Reynolds. He’s a BMX rider.

She reveals to him that she knows about the NAT club of creepy spying on high schoolers. God does she love poking an enemy

1 month timeskip! I believe we’re in January. No one is dressed for January in Pennsylvania.

Emily is once more denied swim team because of her community service record D: How much swim team time is she missing her junior year, she should be worried about getting any scholarships tbh.

Emily smacks Spencer’s Carson McCullers book out of her hands. To me this is foreshadowing.

Is it just me, or is Ella noticeably cool towards Spencer before this moment? Is that supposed to about the inter-liar fighting or because of her suspicion of Spencer/Ezra, because I’m a hell of a lot judgier about that if it’s the latter. Ella: very bad mandatory reporter.

Spencer prints PROPERTY OF SPENCER HASTINGS on the top corner of her book. Dork.

Toby is :( about the girls fighting and :( :( about Spencer’s refusal of his rocking chair gift which I’m sure she would appreciate at literally any other time

Spencer’s parents are out of town because Melissa has a medical thing. They really do not believe in parenting their teenage daughter huh.

The girls are so :D to see each other in the greenhouse and plot. Hanna is the one to express concern on using Emily as bait. Spencer and Emily are most into the plan.

I swear, Emily says “The weakest link wants some payback” with the sweetest smile in her face.

Later I’ll go “I wish the weakest link took some self-defense classes, or at least brought some pepper spray. Maybe a taser.”

Wow, a Toby-Emily interaction. I would maybe sympathize with him going “Don’t you shut me out too 🙁” if it wasn’t for the implication he’s spent the last month trying to reach out to Spencer while this is his first interaction with Emily since the 2A finale.

Love that all the boys are going ???? during this liar fight at the swim meet. Spencer is pretending to go full Ali here....I wonder how she feels about that...does she introspect about this or does she not realize till Toby mentions later

Why are swim meets the social scene of Rosewood High? I’m guessing the school is really fucking good at swimming, probably multiple D1 offers every year.

And not to judge but...why would Jenna go to a swim meet. That has to be one of the less interesting sports for a blind person, right, there's minimally interesting commentary if they even do that for high school meets.

My off-screen opinions of Paige is that even she cannot escape this gossip about the liars because (1) They literally got arrested and had to do community service (2) Emily and Spencer have been fighting in public for a month (3) They do this fight right outside the swim meet

One of her swim teammates is going to ask Paige hey what’s up with Fields weren’t you hanging out with her for a bit last semester and she’s going to BSOD.

Okay I have beef with Aria. She knows they have plans to meet up at the greenhouse. She knows they are using Emily as bait. She does not even think to tell Ezra to wait one more fucking day??? Did she think her parents were gonna throw her a goddamn parade for this news?

Probably, it’s Aria.

I do enjoy all the Montgomery’s reactions to the Ezria reveal though. Ella goes speechless and grabs on to Byron like she cannot process the information, Byron wants to beat up Ezra so bad, Mike does not want his dad to get in trouble and hey he’s the fuck up anyway, might as well punch Ezra.

Like, you know Ezra has not even been slapped in the face before, let alone punched.

Oh....it’s the beginning of my Toby dislike...it’s here...

I have a visceral hatred of him grabbing on to Spencer’s wrists and physically not letting her go while she’s begging for him to. Like yeah, I’m sure it sucks dude but you are actually broken up now! Even if you were together you don’t get to limit where she goes with your strength! Fuck off!!!

It’s the start of them making Toby more alpha bc I guess that’s hot to the teenage girls or whatever.

When I was a teenage girl and on this rewatch, the more alpha they made him the more I hated him.

There’s a great sequence before this when Spencer’s on the phone pondering if she needs anything, her gaze flitting from kitchen knives to fireplace pokers, and then going no, I’m good. Fantastic, no notes.

Isabel must have no self-respect. Why would you still marry a guy who slept with his ex-wife in the last couple of months before your wedding, and worse yet, move to the same fucking town as his ex-wife?? Why would you agree to this??

Then again we saw that original wedding dress, her having no self-respect would not be a surprise.

Emily is the most punctual of the liars. I bet this is not the first or last time this is true for her, given the other three, but this definitely ranks among one of the worst times.

Loved Hanna hitting A with the car, I completely forgot about that payback.

Damn A, you should use a hoodie with zipper pockets. Skill issue.

#pll watching #pll #mine #pll 2x14

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redtail-lol · 1 year ago

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I used to be really against self diagnosis until I actually self diagnosed with autism. Because I got to see self diagnosing from a very different perspective. I tried to hold onto my beliefs but I knew I had to let them go if I wanted to be true to myself. The more thought I put into it, the more things I'd notice in myself that I thought didn't describe me on autism tests or in the DSM-5, and the more comfortable I got with calling myself autistic, the more I knew. I've done my research. I've found myself to relate more to autistic people and the community than with any allistic people. Introversion wasn't even an experience I could fully relate to, because what caused my introversion was an alexithymic or subconscious form of social anxiety that I suspect is directly related to me having autism. I took multiple tests, twice taking one used in actual diagnostic procedures, and scored extremely high. The ones taken more recently had higher indications of autism than earlier takes, because my self evaluation skills are subpar and I'll notice that I do something that I had said I didn't do on the test literally the next day. I had immediately sought out a diagnosis when I had suspicions, and... I was dropped because the people who were seeing me realized that "hey, this kid is seeking an autism diagnosis and we don't have anyone qualified to give it!" I just got a referral from my doctor to a clinic really far away (because they're the only place in the western half of the state that doesn't have a waiting list of 2 years) this week, and it might be 9 months before I see anyone. I'm seeking diagnosis again because I will need one for college to get accommodations. But I've known from experience how stupidly hard it is to get a diagnosis, to even get an evaluation, and I've gotten to experience firsthand how it feels to know you have something, or are a certain way, even without having a doctor say you are.

At the end of the day, I think the only 2 people who can diagnose a person with any condition are doctors who have extensive knowledge of it, and the person afflicted. I also can't pretend like either can be imperfect and done based off of too litle information or misinformation. People on TikTok (it's always TikTok) watch just one short video on autism and say they're autistic without doing any further research, or take one little quiz and they think that qualifies as a diagnosis, but also doctors will have completely wrong information and refuse diagnosis because a person can speak, or thinks the lack of eye contact means they have ADD because they're not paying attention. Professional diagnosis isn't perfect either and can be done by wildly underqualified people. If a person has done enough research and introspection, their self-diagnosis is valid. If they're choosing not to get a professional diagnosis for any reasons, that's also valid, because there are downsides and difficulties and it's not always worth it.

If you really want to shout like I did "but what about the people who aren't doing hardly any research?" then the solution is literally just. Make self-diagnosis more well known and respected, and with that make it clear that self diagnosis involves research and a lot of time self evaluating. People who aren't doing any of that aren't really diagnosing. They're not comparable to people who know themselves best and did lots of research to arrive at this conclusion. More importantly, perhaps those people will feel like doing (and know they're supposed to do) more research and they can come to more informed conclusions about their own bodies and/or brains.

#long post #ramblings #redtails ramblings #self diagnosis #self dx #pro self dx #pro self diagnosis

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joeysthoughts101 · 1 year ago

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“I don’t want to (and I don’t need to)”

The world is changing. Social media has taken over. I don’t even know what the hell is going on anymore if I don’t check my social media accounts. But maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just not special enough for anyone to share anything personal with me first before sharing it with the world. And I guess that’s fine. I can accept that. But do I want to? Probably? It’s really just whatever. I hold zero resentment towards anyone if I was intentionally left out of any event or any conversation. Nobody needs to do anything to appease my strange desire to be secluded and invisible these days. I just like to be invisible. I don’t know man. I just don’t want to advertise myself as some sort of “cool guy” anymore and I sometimes find it very cringe that people do that on social media. Does that make me judgmental? Probably. But not for any other reason other than just wanting to be left alone. People might say, “It’s because you’ve gotten fat and you’re not as cute as you used to be. Your abs are gone and you have a fat face now.” Okay, fine. I’ll accept that too. But the truth is, no I’m not. I’m perfectly content with my weight and my looks as of right now. Right now. And if I say that out loud, would people believe me? I don’t know and I don’t care.

People change. I’ve changed. And this is me telling the world that I’ve changed. I used to rely on my supposed “good looks” and “hot bod” to get attention. I’m no longer that person. I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I’d rather have a nice juicy steak and lots and lots of creamy pasta goodness than eat a salad or count my calories. I just don’t want to do that anymore. And I don’t need to. And I love that about myself. I don’t want to go out to bars anymore either. I don’t need to impress anybody, and I don’t want to. Take me for who I am. Let me be the quiet one. Let me be the supporting character who rarely has a say in anything. Let me post and delete my content. Let me vent and let me make them disappear. It’s my choice just as much as it’s anyone else’s choice to share their personal situations on social media. Do you and I’ll do me. But that’s all it is. In my mind, it’s growth and it’s a personal decision I made to keep myself in a safe position in this “new” world. I refuse to conform.

But what the fuck am I even saying? Who am I even saying all of this to? I don’t know. I’m just talking to myself I guess. People like to insinuate that they know you and they get you by reacting the way that they do when you’re just saying things. When you just have an opinion that differs from the rest. But do they really know you? Do they really know me? Have they accepted the fact that people CAN change? That people can learn from their mistakes? That people can self-reflect and understand that they had to make a change to better themselves? Do they know all that? Do they accept all that? And does it matter? How do we move on if we continue to cling on to an idea that this person was ‘hella stupid!’ and ‘hella terrible!’, and has now actually made an effort to change for the better? Introspection is a hell of a drug, yeah? Because they now know they were a trainwreck in their past lives? In the stages of growth, regardless of how inconvenient or convenient it may be. Do people get that? Again, I don’t fucking know.

I just think that it’s a natural human thought process to never ever let go of how you knew a person, so it lingers. And subconsciously, we will never let go of that idea we have about someone because we probably have our own demons to conquer, so we deflect. And by deflecting, we are actually just instinctually protecting ourselves from feeling like a piece of shit, because oh shit, someone actually got smarter and more mature and I’m still in the same position I was 5 years ago. Our minds do whatever the hell we need to do to protect our own hearts and our own insecurities. So instead of seeing this change in another person, we would rather see this person as the person we used to know. But that person doesn’t even exist anymore.

And that’s what gets me.

#gay #gay thoughts #gay blog #joeys thoughts #thinking out loud #gaysian #gay blogger #blog

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flat-neines · 11 days ago

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Ok, I gotta elaborate on this.

As a fellow arospec person on this hellsite, I think that both Tamlin and Nesta being different gradients of aroace could be more compelling than the trash fire that's acosf and Tamlin getting a LI.

Acotar as a series is thematically supposed to be about love conquering all but fails to deliver on that theme on so many levels and different angles that you can't actually tell what you're supposed to be reading. (I've already made posts about how the series fails bc it wants to have its cake and eat it too. now isn't the time for that convo tho) And it's a damn shame that the series that insists on "make love not war" sucks at delivering the different forms and kinds of love that people can have and actively celebrate it. Like. This is a romantasy. It should be the bare minimum. (But alas)

On nesta:

So nesta being ace is kinda obvious to me because she, at her core, craves being seen and cared for who she is and not what she can do for others. It's probably one of the reasons why she reads romance novels most often in particular (instead of "I Am Totally Repressed And Horny And Can Only Think About How Horny I Am" bs) because seeing the heroines being saved or loved by the ML no matter how "difficult" they are is an escape from the reality she lived as a human and currently as a fae.

Her mother and grandmother groomed her to marry well for the reputation of the family her whole life and when that got torpedoed when they fell into poverty, she believed that being married off to Tomas Mandray and becoming his wife would ease her sister's burdens. There is no excitement like elain had for grayson. There's not even any sensuality or desire that could be pointed to. Marriage (and now mating) and all the things it entailed was expected of nesta. It was her job.

Also one of the few times that we see nesta express her dreams for the future, she says that she wants to travel the world and make a name for herself. There isn't any mention of settling down. Or falling in love. I'm not really sure if it immediately occurred to her.

Nesta, when not dealing with her poor mental health, often just seems very :/ about her own sexuality and is deeply uncomfortable with people wanting her to be hypersexual. You can attribute it a lot to her being a modest person (and her history with sa), but I find that a interesting facet of her personality and its notable that one of the core things that she does to cope (poorly) with her trauma is to become incredibly hypersexual.

She swings from two extremes, primarily because she has never been able to set boundaries in any of her relationships, and when faced with such an extreme violation (the cauldron), she goes the opposite way; possibly thinking that it would spare her more pain than whatever she's currently feeling.

(It is also weird that author lady straight up implies that nesta's (whose incredibly modest) one night benders are a form of sexual self-harm and then turn around to say "its not really a problem for nesta" with her characterization for bat boy smut. smh)

The intervention makes this worse. By the end of acosf, she never truly establishes any healthy relationships on her own terms (sans the valkyries, but that can be dubious) and internalizes the idea that her needs and wants are ultimately secondary to the ic's desires, and that she will (should) only be loved conditionally.

I do believe that if nesta was allowed to heal on her own, she'd be too apathetic the ideas of "one true love" and mating bonds for it to be used to control her. She would also be impossible to be used to seduce other characters, like eris, as she would just refuse to do it.

We never get nesta being introspective on her relationship to sexuality because author lady believed it was inconsequential to what she wanted to write despite it being a vital component to nesta's character arc (and cassian's to some extent)

And also obviously, it would've been more interesting that nesta's story was about her love for her sisters and friends; how much of a ride or die she is for her loved ones as she learns to love herself instead of having to earn the conditional affection of a man who doesn't even like her. We were robbed.

On tamlin:

He's a bit more complicated because I think I read him differently from most popular interpretations of his character and many of his relationships (as it has been said by others) with the cast reeks of repression and comphet at times.

I'm not a huge fan of mating bonds, and the way sjm writes about them, the relationships are strangled by the bond (feysand in particular) or magical eugenics at best, which is, uh, not good.

So tamlin getting a mate, even at the end of a potential hea feels off to me, especially considering how fucked up and skewed like 90% of his relationships are in general.

His parents (the initial blueprint any child sees for relationships) had an unhealthy relationship with each other, with his mother standing by as his father abused his sons and just the fact that he felt so unsafe that he decided that joining the spring court's roaming war bands was a better option. As much as I enjoy tamsand (sometimes), their relationship possibly has always been unbalanced; with rhysand being the older, more experienced one between the two of them and then the mutual loss of their respective families (starting with rhysand's mom+sister) , which rhysand blames tamlin for and makes it his life work to torment tam for as long as he lives for that transgression.

This spirals over to what goes down in the books, culminating in rhysand telling tamlin to kill himself despite tamlin ultimately being the bigger person and saving his life when he had every reason to leave him dead and buried.

(I do believe both tam and rice were the age of majority when they became friends, but rhysand more than likely was a good amount older than tamlin. Tamlin also might've learned about positive relationships while in the armies; which is something to think about)

Then there's aramantha and feyre.

Both relationships are also incredibly fraught for different but interconnected reasons. Aramantha, a known sadistic general of hybern (and a slaver) pursued him and then cursed him when her (predatory) advances were still rebuked, even after stealing the power of the high lords, becoming the queen under the mountain.

Over the next 50 years, he slowly loses his friends as they're either tortured or sacrificed for the sake of breaking the curse (something he did not want to do, they left willingly) and is put in the position of world's shittiest trolly problem: find and use a mortal woman to save his people (compromising his morals entirely to save his people) or give in (something that would not work, no matter what the strawman might say). This is exacerbated by rhysand, who uses his limited position to torture tamlin even more for the sake of vendetta (genius move there, riceman)

Because of these factors, feylin is a relationship haunted by the shadows of the mountain. They love each other, the curse couldn't have been broken if neither of them loved each other, but feyre also died for him because of aramantha. Immediately afterwards he also has to deal with rebuilding his court with little to no support system, the threat of hybern (to both the courts and to feyre) and once again rhysand trying to get his pound of flesh.

What he did to feyre was abusive, full stop; but by god, this guy was operating on negatives. There is nothing that could've happened that someone wouldn't get hurt at the time and it is a testament to his character that he realized what was wrong and not only apologized, but actively tried to rectify his mistakes.

This is a bit incoherent, but I wonder how much of the latter half of feylin is tamlin also going through the motions of what a romantic relationship is supposed. Pre mountain, he was a lot more carefree, but there was always the sword of the curse hanging over his head; and afterwards ianthe was also pressuring him to be more of a "proper" hl, leaving little space to even process... anything. How much of his romancing was because he thought he was supposed to do this? Did he want to go through with the wedding, with how miserable feyre was or did he do it to bring his citizens own morale up while protecting feyre ?(in a completely misguided sense) there are too many moving pieces that feylin operates in that discounting context when talking about canon but..... we don't really have his pov to confirm or deny anything, ugh.

Before I end up going off on tangents, I do think that similar to nesta, love (romantically) wasn't something that he wanted but an obligation and duty he had to fulfill as a hl. Any desires he had were ultimately secondary to his divinely ordained job and unessesary. He values his friends and citizens deeply and there's a strong case to be made that tamlin subconsciously doesn't make the same distinctions most allos make towards romance and platonic intimacy, further complicating any relationships he has.

Tl;Dr ace/aro hc's for characters fuck hard.

I think we as a collective are sleeping on ace!Nesta and aroace!tamlin headcanons

#i accidentally posted this before it was ready fuck #we've balling ig #pro nesta #pro tamlin #there's so many problems and issues that can be said abt the relationships in acotar #that an ace/aro read might not be canon #but it sure does make things more interesting #and highlights the core issues the “romances” have #i cannot see for the life of me cassian caring for nesta if she wasn't interested in having sex with him #and I have mixed feelings about tamlin mating bond theories #especially the aramantha one (as it doesn't make sense within the context of the series rules)#at the end of the day #this is still more just me messing around with hcs #fae briton (derogatory)#character thoughts #anti sjm #sjm critical

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ozzotter · 2 years ago

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For those who feel like they are weaker than the rest.

This post is for anyone and everyone who has ever been shamed by someone who has a great career, makes good money and lives a standard, set way of life. “Why can’t you just get over it?” For the longest time I felt like I was a failure of human life. Everyone around me seemed to be able to move through life with ease. Go to school, get a job with a large corporation, get a cushy salary, marry, buy a home, have children, you are all good.

I hated myself for not being able to just follow in these footsteps. Whenever I tried, I would have horrific emotional breakdowns and would be shamed for it by everyone around me. I fell into addiction and extreme isolation. I destroyed every relationship I had with anyone that cared about me.

I felt that if I couldn’t follow the path everyone else follows, that meant I was too weak to survive and therefore deserved death. I tried many times to kill myself. But there was a part of me that refused to be killed. A part that was absolutely convinced that there was something important for me to do in this world. Even if it didn’t know what that thing could be.

I looked at and judged myself by the metrics those around me were judged. How much I work, do people like me, how much do I make, how successful I am at conducting business, where I am at financially and professionally at my age, how straight I am, am I raising a family of successful children, have I broken the law or crossed taboos and gotten found out... and so on and so forth.

Needless to say, I failed at every single one of these metrics. I allowed myself to be abused, to not believe I had any rights, to deny myself help or medical care, to allow wage theft and keep forcing myself to fit into these boxes no matter how poorly I did at it and how much it hurt. I nearly died.

But slowly, and with a lot of introspection, curiosity, openness, dedication, self care, and a whole lot of cursing and defiance, I came to see why I had such a reaction to THE way of life that everyone else found so easy to follow. From an early age, my intuition told me that none of it worked in the long term. The environment I grew up in, and frankly, the environment most of everyone in the world grew up in, had a necessary shortsightedness built into it. Put all your disposable things in the garbage. Where does the garbage go? To the dump. What happens when the dump gets full? You make another dump. What happens when we run out of places to put dumps? That won’t happen. Ok, but the whole idea bothered me. Get a driver’s license and buy a car. Why? Because you need a car to go anywhere and do anything. Cars create pollution and rely on a non renewable source of fuel, what happens when we run out? We don’t think about that. You ask too many questions. Shut up and just do what everyone else is doing and you’ll be fine. What about all those people that are suffering on the street and have no access to housing, education or food and clean water? You work hard and follow the rules to not end up there. Aren’t they like us too? Don’t they have a place in society? No, in fact, I wish they would just kill them all, then we wouldn’t have any problems. The last one is something my mom said to me, paraphrased, but it captures the gist of the statement. We have to realize that these people that we deem as successful and doing the right thing follow ideologies that allow them to not consider long term global consequences as long as they are on the right side of the fence. It’s an easy ideology, you never have to think too hard. It allows you to wash your hands from the problem because that is just the way things are. It puts you on an automatic morally superior category, because you were lucky to have never been in the other category (neurodivergent, disabled, queer, the “wrong” gender, the “wrong” skin color, the “wrong” cultural ethnicity, mentally ill, etc etc) or your otherness has never been exposed or is tolerated because you fit enough boxes with a high enough score.

In some cases, they never have to change anything because their ideologies supposedly come from morally righteous mythical beings. They have been a set way for thousands of years, and because of this, challenging them is anathema, lest they lose their mythical power. Why should I care? If I follow all the rules, I go to heaven. To hell with earth! A lot of these even believe in an apocalypse. Why should they care? The earth will be destroyed anyways. A self fulfilling prophecy unfolding before our very eyes. The truth is, we don’t know what await for us in the future. We don’t have all the answers. Uncertainty is at best uncomfortable and at worst absolutely terrifying. So of course so many of us struggle with terrible anxiety and depression. Yes, we want to live lives where we have physical safety and where we have a community where we belong and where we have enough to survive and thrive. But at the same time, they way the current systems are set up, having all of this seems to almost always rely on exploiting other people’s vulnerabilities and destroying our planet’s capability to sustain life. We want to work. We want to help. We want to contribute. We want to compete. But not at such a staggering and unacceptable cost. So a lot of us feel trapped. Like there is no way forward that feels morally acceptable, so we sink.

So what gives?

Well, there are some good news, even among all these distressing facts. Practically, we have everything we need to create a harmonious and self sustaining society. So from a purely physical/practical point of view, this task is not impossible. Our biggest enemies are greed, isolation, hatred, and pride. Second, because of the way the system is indeed set up, there will always be less people at the top and more at the bottom. That means there is more of us, we just need to figure out a way to work together. So what can we do now?

I am not 100% sure to be honest, I’m just a guy on the internet. But what I do know is that we are going to have to try things that have never been done before and that we are going to make a lot of blunders and mistakes in the process. We cannot let this detract us from seeking change, the cost of not trying anything new is simply too high. I am personally staring with the most basic things. Building a healthy spiritual practice and building resilience to not fall in the face of adversity. Trying to spend my meager money on supporting local producers instead of giving gigantic corporations even more power whenever I can. This means buying less things, I am okay with this. And writing posts like this to inspire other who are struggling to take steps towards change. If enough of us starting enacting and demanding change, we can surely move towards a better future. One of my greatest inspirations is Dr.Brene Brown. Her books have inspired me and given me hope and understanding that change is possible. No matter how impossible it seems. Lastly, I want you to know that you are not alone and that you are valued. By caring about our world and others you display incredible strength in the face of apathy and conformity. This is not a weakness. What is truly weak and cowardly is to just shrug your shoulders and say “Meh, "insert excuse here”, so I don’t care.” People who think like this never have to lose anything to keep living a life of false safety. By defying the system we are not “entitled troublemakers”. We are risking disconnection, income loss, homelessness, abuse and harassment, violence, and for some even death. So keep being real and learning whenever you can. I value you, all of you. Hope this gave you some hope to keep going. P.S.(sorry for the poor grammar and punctuation, English is not my first language.)

#depression #hope #change #you are not alone #i love yall #brene brown

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