#i say as if this is the mona lisa and not a silly little fan doodle

[mousekink]

life in the phouse: wad edition

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bonus:

[portypaper]

My 10 favorite things of 2022

10 - mcdonald's fan owns burger king in epic video

Sometime in 2018 I discovered the comedian/actor/writer Connor O'Malley's youtube channel filled with some of the best cringe comedy vidz I've ever seen. One of my favorites being "mcdonald's fan owns burger king in epic video" a pretty self explanatory video where O'Malley plays an angry McDonald's fan trying to fuck over Burger King and try to convince the customers to go to McDonalds. Around the time I discovered the video my friends had a little get together and I made sure to show everyone there the video, shit was just that good dude.

Unfortunately because there is this little scene where just a little bit of king of the hill porn is shown, I think it was hank hill wackin' his willy silly or some shit and because of that those FUCKERS at YouTube took it down, basically destroying the Mona Lisa of cringe videos. Now normally a video uploaded by a notable person getting deleted would be no big deal, it's like I was told as a kid "stuff on the internet lives forever" so I could probably just find a reupload of it on another site right? I ended up not being able to find any reuploads dailymotion, vimeo, or even porn sites.

Every few months something would come up that would remind me of this masterpiece and I'd start searching again, of course never finding anything except dead links, a single clip, and posts asking what happened to the video. That was until 4 months ago when I found this, some mad man actually had the full video and shared a full download. After 4 years I was finally able to watch one of my favorite cringe videos and brother it was even better than I remembered it being, if you're a fan of cringe stuff please do yourself a favor and watch it.

9 - Showa-Era Godzilla

As a teenager I started to notice a handful of people that I looked up to and thought were really cool mostly had a lot of the same interests, one of them being kaiju films. So sometime during Q1 of 2022 when I found out that almost every showa-era godzilla film was free to watch on YouTube I binged em with some of my friends.

Honestly the whole thing was a bit of a blur, like we were doing 2 or 3 a day for a week but I can say (with the exception of Son of Godzilla) they were all a really great time. If I had to choose a favorite I think Invasion of Astro-Monster takes it easy, small part because MF DOOM sampled it in the greatest opening track ever but, also because everything about the film is just so cheesy and charming, the costumes the sets just looking at it all makes me want to finally bite the bullet and make a cool low budget sci-fi movie.

I feel like I should explain the appeal of Godzilla since as an outsider I never really got it but I still feel new to being a fan and might not explain it the right way so I'll just say to check the films out yourself, aside from Invasion of Astro-Monster I also really fucked with Godzilla vs. Megalon and Terror Of Mechagodzilla. Godzilla vs. Megalon has Mr. Zilla himself teaming up with a neat lookin' robot Jet Jaguar and Terror Of Mechagodzilla has a great mixture of main character doing shit and big monsters fighting so nothing really feels like it drags on for too long.

8 - Norm Macdonald - Nothing Special

It's been too long since I watched it for me to really remember anything other than how much I enjoyed it so I'll just write down how I felt instead.

One thing I'm sure you've worried about is legacy, how you'll be remembered or if anyone will even care about your leaving. Something that really felt good about this comedy special was after the jokes were over we got a half an hour of Norm's comedy peers looking back at just what a funny and great person he was, a person who would hide his battle with cancer just so no one would worry. I don't really know what people think of me but I hope I end up being looked at the same way people look at Norm.

Oh also if you've never heard any of Norm Macdonald's comedy there are a whole lot of compilations of his stuff on YouTube, and also obviously this comedy special but I'm a bit unsure if this would be a good first watch since it's the last we'll ever get.

7 - King of Fighters XV

I've had a small problem with fighting games for the last 10 years, I love em but since I started getting into them there always felt like there was something off to where I couldn't fully click with one, like I could still enjoy the games I played like Street Fighter V or Tekken 7 but I just never felt like I got into a nice flow with them or if it was a game I clicked with it wouldn't last very long (R.I.P. MvCI)

Then late last year some friends were hyping up the next KoF game to me, I'd been burned in the past by taking one of their recommendations before so I wasn't super interested at the time then fast forward to February 2022 I was feelin pretty bored and decided to just say fuck it and buy King of Fighters XV and brother this shit just clicked instantly, the execution is a bit tighter than what I've gotten used to from modern fighting games but it all just feels so good I don't even mind when I accidently drop a combo. Oh my god and the characters fucking rule there is this one dude who has the Android 16 dunk and MvC ironman's unibeam. My favorite dude is the one who looks like a phone game icon and has a shit ton of grabs

This is easily the best fighting game of 2022, sadly the only bad thing about this game is the online matchmaking is pretty broken like the game plays like a slideshow with my friend who lives down the street but it plays perfectly with my friend who lives a few miles away. This game is a hardcore recommend if you're willing to risk the possibility of the online being dogshit with one of your friends.

6 - Zero Escape: Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors and Zero

I've never really been a visual novel guy, the whole genre just felt like reading a book with extra steps. Then after trying to watch some stupid ass death game anime that just wasn't clicking I said fuck it I'll just play this to get my death game fix.

I actually tried to get into this game about 7 year ago? I remembered reading about it in Nintendo Power back in the day and decided to pick it up, unfortunately I tried playing it during a very stressful time and after playing the tutorial I put the game down intending to come back once things started to feel normal, anyways 7 years later I started up the PC port and had a lot of fun. The puzzles were clever and I had a great time trying to figure out if one of the characters were working behind the scenes of this death game.

I'd like to share more but I also really don't want to spoil this game so I'll just say "Snake" is the best character in the game :)

5 - Wolfenstein: The New Order

At the end of 2021 I was looking back at the games that releasing during the year and got really bummed, it really started to feel like games were just getting worse. Either stuff was coming out blatantly unfinished like Battlefield 2042 or It was just a flash in the pan game like Back 4 Blood or Halo Infinite that I couldn't even run on my little 1060. Games just started to feel so disposable and greedy, what was the point in installing the hot new thing when it took over a hundred gigs of space and wouldn't even last long enough to even be remembered? So at the start of 2022 I said fuck it I'm done with video games until I realized how boring life was so I said alright fuck it if the new shit sucks I'll just play the old shit.

I randomly decided to play Wolfenstein: The New Order and dawg this shit is one of the finest single player first person shooters I've played, everything about it was just so perfectly crafted. It's a game you can beat in a day and 100% in two, the guns and ammo is perfectly paced where I felt like I was always getting a fun new weapon to use on the nazis, and the story has just the right amount of silliness to keep my attention the whole time. If you felt the same way as I did at the start of the year please play it, or check out your backlog to find a gem like this.

4 - The Rehearsal

Have you ever wished you could go back in time and fix a mistake you've made? Well Nathan Fielder's The Rehearsal is sorta like that, Fielder being the absolute insane crazy person he is helps people rehearse things they're scared of doing, like in the first episode he meets a dude who lied about having a master's degree to his bar trivia friends and has him go through every possible scenario so he can confess to his one friend who he is certain will not take his lie well.

Some other stuff happens too, but this show left me fuckin' mouth agape in complete shock multiple times an episode and I don't want to spoil some of the absolute insane shit that happens in this show, so just trust me when I say this shit rules and you've gotta watch it, also watch Nathan for You if you haven't.

3 - Cyberpunk Edgerunners

Dawg, Edgerunners is the best animated project I watched in 2022. If you've watched it I don't need to say shit because you already know this shit rules, if you haven't watched it you should watch it. I think in the future when we look back at animation that dropped this decade we're gonna be remembering Edgerunners as one of the best of the 2020's. When I was watching there were just so many "holy shit this is so beautifully animated" moments, the story isn't anything super groundbreaking but god it's just so pretty and the characters are so charming.

2 - Pulp Fiction

Good Movie. Everything I want to say has been said by people way smarter than me so yeah, good movie is all that needs to be said from me.

1 - JPEGMAFIA

I'm no Fantano so I can't really properly explain what it is that made me love this dude's music so much but I randomly stumbled upon him in March and he's slowly been growing on me more and more til I eventually ended up just playing all his stuff on repeat for days without listening to anything else. Instead of going on and on I'll just list some of my favorite for you to check out.

BALD!

HAZARD DUTY PAY!

FREE THE FRAIL

THOT TACTICS

JESUS FORGIVE ME, I AM A THOT

I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT TIL MORRISEY DIES

1539 N. CALVERT

dude is just great and I wish I discovered him sooner.

Thanks for reading sorry if I explained myself poorly hopefully my writing will get better by doing this more alright I'm gonna go piss and play cyberpunk xoxoxo 😘😘

[ryqoshay]

How to Handle a Nico: Useless Leaves?

Primary Pairing: NicoMaki Rating: G Words: 576 Fandom: Love Live Parent Fic: How to Handle a Nico Time Frame: Sometime after graduating high school Event: Promptober 2022 Event Source: Idol Fanfic Heaven channel on Discord Prompt: Useless

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Author’s Note: Bonus 2nd entry for Oct 18th

Summary: Nico and Maki collect some leaves

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“Ne, Nico-chan, this one kind of already looks like a face.” Maki said, holding a leaf out for inspection.

“Agreed.” Nico nodded before chuckling. “The kids might end up squabbling a bit over that one. Good find, Maki-chan.”

The redhead smiled at the compliment, added the leaf to her bag, and went back to scanning the scattered leaves on the ground for other good ones.

“Ya know,” Nico spoke after a moment of comfortable quiet between the two friends, “Nico is actually surprised Maki-chan agreed to help her with this silly little project for the kids.”

“It’s not silly.” Maki stated, suddenly solemn.

“Eh?” Nico was caught off guard by the tone shift.

“Art is art. It is never silly or useless.”

“I didn’t say useless…?” Geez… Did Nico accidentally touch on a nerve?

“Art is a way for the artist to explore both themselves and the world around them.” Maki continued somberly. “And, if they’re willing to share it with others, it can be a medium through which a connection is made. Sometimes, works can continue to resonate with people for years, even centuries after the artist created them. You should know this, Nico-chan, as your artistry as an idol on stage has connected you with many fans. And your songs will continue to inspire fans long after you retire.”

“Maki-chan, I…”

“Time spent with art is never wasted.” Maki didn’t seem to hear Nico’s interjection. “I may never be a professional pianist, as I dreamed I would as a child, but I will never regret a single moment I spent playing. Nor was my time wasted when I was merely clanking away at the keyboard because my hands were too small to make normal chords.

“No artist starts painting the Mona Lisa or playing Étude Op. 10 No. 4; we all start with smaller, simpler things. And to that end, even if your siblings never become famous artists, they will still look back and remember fondly the time they spent making simple leaf art. And they will remember the connections they made with the big sister they adore and look up to.”

That last bit got to Nico, and she felt a bit of moisture gather in her eyes. Just a bit, though. And she quickly wiped it away when she believed Maki wouldn’t notice.

“You’re right, Maki-chan.” Nico said after a moment of awkward silence between them. “I didn’t think about it that way. Well, I sorta did, as I do want my siblings to have fun and spend some quality time with Nico and Maki-chan. Surely, Maki-chan knows how much they adore and look up to her as well.” She reminded, earning the blush in response she expected. “But I never thought to compare it to me as an idol, or Maki-chan with her piano.” Or still as a school idol. She added silently.

“Anyway,” Nico checked her bag “I think we have enough to keep everyone occupied for the evening. Shall we head to my place then?”

Maki nodded.

“Right, when we get there, Nico will start preparing dinner and Maki-chan can start making stuff with the kids.”

“Alright. Oh, and, uhm… Sorry, for ranting like that…”

Nico shook her head. “Maki-chan has nothing to apologize for.” She assured. “Nico is sorry she made Maki-chan think she thought art was useless, because as Maki-chan rightly pointed out, it isn’t. Now, enough of the serious stuff. Let’s go have fun with art!”

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Author’s Note Continued: I had to write this chapter to get back some fluffy happiness that I lost while writing the last entry; I’m so sorry, Maki... Also, the last entry didn’t qualify for my personal challenge of including last year’s prompt, so I made sure to include it here.

[margle]

heyy fellow crj stan here!!! i saw her live in 2019 and she was fantastic. whats ur fave song? its kind of silly but feels right and tiny little bows are my faves haha. oh maybe also bucket.

heyyy! ive been a fan since around emotion but i still havent heard her live im so jealous

cool choices! i rarely listen to kiss and tug of war so i dont listen to the last two very often. but ive been playing dedicated on repeat lately. thank you so much for giving me an excuse to talk about crj <3

my faves from each album that i regularly listen to:

emotion:

i mostly listen to emotion in one go without any skips. as a result i dont really have a favourite. but ive been listening to never get to hold you a lot recently because it feels like a bridge between the emotion era and her newer work.

emotion side b:

cry. it's simultaneously melodramatic and earnest in a way that only carly can do.

dedicated:

i'll be your girl. i love this song soooo much. the kinda ska inspired instrumentals + the darker subject matter make this such a unique song in her discography.

everything he needs. i love it when she gets silly. fun!! again, one of the most distinctive things about crj is how earnest she always sounds. also, i love the original shelley duvall version.

dedicated side b:

fake mona lisa. this could be my favourite crj song. i love the theme and lyrics. i prefer songs with more abstract lyrics that kind of wash over you. this track fits the bill perfectly and also is really fun to analyse. it is too short though!

now i dont hate california after all. this is a polarising song but i personally love it. i like quite maximalist pop with lots of texture - the watery sound effects are so cute. i love the theme and lyrics - the idea of falling in love with a place because you become besotted with someone. it feels refreshing - learning to become uncynical.

(summer love and this is what they say are also great)

the loneliest time:

sideways. cuuuuuute. crj makes music to smile to. the sparkly instrumentation and lyrics would sound cheesy from another artist but crj just puts her heart into everything.

bends. dreamy and smooth. music to listen to on your bed in complete darkness. again, pretty and abstract lyrics. (though i dont like the "blue eyes" line because it kind of pulls me out of the song)

western wind. same reasons as the one above. but this time it's music to listen to in a summer field at night. also i love the motif of california in her music.

so nice. one of the rare times you can use "saccharine" as a compliment. i have to be in the right mood for this one but it's just so delightful.

(all three bonus tracks could make this list but i cant separate them)

the loveliest time:

shadow. this is one of her best songs. im in love with the lyrics. im in love with the instrumentation. if i could recommend anyone a crj song, it would probably be this one. thearchitectureofthisconnectionisyourreflectionisalwaysfollowingme...

kollage. crj makes music that feels like floating in the middle of a lake. i sound like a broken record but i just love the way she uses words. it feels so effortless. it doesnt feel like she has sat down and laboriously written them down - it feels like she is just speaking spontaneously. in a poetic but simple way. (Living with uncertainty like nothing really matters / Passed the future on my way to work / And found myself back in bed with you)

aeroplanes. this is like 3 songs in one. i like the off kilter beat.

weekend love. this song has a special place in my heart. i like the way the meaning of the song (about looking back at an affair), feels like it is looking back at the album and finding closure. it feels comfortingly mature (Got me so high but everybody comes down) (Alright, guess it was a past life / I haven't seen you around / But it's alright, I'm alright, ah / Soft light hits me on the high line / So go on fooling around / I'll be alright, I'm alright, ah)

[morbidlongings]

write a fluffy sapphic oneshot with whatever characters you want

... please ?

i'm really shitty at writing fluff but ... here's a little piece about a movie star, her best friend, and a pair of mirrored, heart-shaped sunglasses <3

The girl considers herself a collection of fragmented pieces of poetry.

Her name is Kat and her smile is glamorous. Her hair is dark and pinned into retro waves, sometimes tied behind silk scarves and other times beneath fascinators and felt hats. Her lips are red, her clothes are vintage, and her lovers are many.

But right now Kat isn’t a movie star with an award-winning smile. The top of her convertible is down and her dark hair is being whipped in the wind; her red lips are split into a wide, uncharacteristic grin. Beside her, her best friend is laughing, honey-colored hair streaming like a golden banner behind her as she whoops and sings along with the radio, a girl as full of the sun as Kat was with the moon.

Elise’s lips move along with the lyrics of the song, her hair getting caught on her glossed lips as the wind off of the Pacific ocean tosses it. Her eyes are half closed with ecstasy, her mascaraed lashes fanned across her lightly freckled cheeks like feathers. Kat smiles, her hands on the wheel. Elise could always make her smile.

She is a collection of fragments of poetry, pieces that yearn to settle her head on Elise’s shoulder, to have Elise’s fingers tangle in her own, pieces that imagine Elise doing carelessly, casually intimate things. Adjust the scarf settled in Kat’s hair, clasp a necklace around her neck, smile up at Kat from their bed in the morning, her mouth a rosebud and her honey hair spun sunshine.

Elise sings a lyric, her eyes closed and her hand over her heart. Her blouse’s sleeve slips off of her shoulder - Kat, without taking her eyes off of the highway in front of them, reaches over and tugs it back up. Elise’s hand catches her own, brown eyes like coffee meeting hers. There is something in Elise’s eyes, Kat notices. Her breath might have caught in her throat.

Your glasses are ridiculous, is the only thing Elise says. Her coffee eyes glitter. Kat scoffs a laugh, extracting her hand from Elise’s and steadying the steering wheel. In the rearview mirror, Kat catches Elise’s eye.

Her sunglasses are out of place on her, an icon painted in vintage clothing and red lipstick and glamor like an Old Hollywood starlet. Kat had bought them with Elise months ago, when they had gotten drunk and went to a drugstore to go shopping for orange juice and miscellaneous groceries. A stupid thing, a silly thing, a reckless thing that only two drunk girls in their early twenties would even dream up.

Elise had picked the mirrored, heart-shaped sunglasses from a cheap display and crookedly pushed them onto Kat’s face. Kat had drunkenly laughed and bought them, then and there. Seven-dollar sunglasses on a million-dollar face. The next morning, waking up beside Elise hungover and feeling nothing like a movie star, Elise had put them on Kat’s face again, gently pushing her hair behind her ears.

Kat’s heart might have stopped.

What was it that the articles said about her? Her lips are red, her clothes are vintage, and her lovers are many. How many men had she fucked, women she kissed in bars and alleys and in the dark, people she had left heartbroken and hanging? How many lovers has she kissed and tossed aside, pinning her dark hair back and putting on another layer of lipstick, putting up wall after wall after wall? The industry was brutal, and Kat had to be even more so if she wanted to make it out alive.

They fucked her because she was beautiful and powerful and cold. They fucked her because if they did, maybe that made them beautiful and powerful too. They fucked her because maybe it gave them power over her, made them hope that they could thaw Kat Carter’s cold heart.

But Elise is singing, a living sunbeam who’s been beside Kat’s side for almost two decades. She catches Kat looking at her and offers a glittering, glorious smile - Kat smiles back, genuinely laughs, says you have hair caught in your lip gloss before turning back to the road. The Pacific Coast Highway is long and winding and beautiful. Ahead of them, the sun is setting; maybe Kat and Elise will park the car and go to the beach, chasing the sunset like they had when they were children.

Park the car, Elise says, her eyes crinkling in the corners. Kat wants to smooth the creases out with her fingertips. There’s a scenic outlook there, Elise points. Her nails are painted dark purple, slightly chipped. Always chipped. The sunset is beautiful.

Kat parks.

Elise steals Kat’s hair scarf, tying the pink and gold silk over her hair. Kat beams. Before she opens the convertible’s door, she slips a tube of lip gloss out of her purse and holds the applicator to her rosebud mouth - Kat makes to open her door, but Elise’s hand on her cheek stops her.

Wait, she says, voice teasing. Hold still.

She uses the mirrored, heart-shaped lenses of Kat’s cheap drugstore glasses to apply the gloss to her mouth. Kat’s flushing, her heart beating out of her chest. Elise’s hand is still on Kat’s cheek, her sweet coffee eyes focused as she swipes gloss onto her lips. Despite herself, Kat can’t stop watching.

Strawberry, Kat says, her voice hoarse. Your gloss is strawberry, right?

Peach, Elise replies. Her smile turns devilish. Want to try it?

Yes, Kat wants to plead. She’s never believed in any God, but she wants to sink to her knees right here in her old silver convertible off the side of the PCH and beg. Yes, she wants to pray, let me kiss the gloss off of your lips and taste it, drink in the taste of you like sweet nectar. I never believed in any God, but please.

Peaches are my favorite, is Kat’s only reply. She swings her door open and steps out, her loose dark hair in beachy waves across her shoulders. Elise’s honey hair looks almost strawberry blond in the sunset, two strands pulled in front of her face beneath the scarf. Her lips shine in the light, flecks of glitter and a sheen of gloss. Kat wants to kiss her so badly it’s a tangible ache.

Fragmented pieces of poetry, like this moment. Peaches and gold leaf; sunsets and the California coast; rose-gold, dying sunlight turning the cold gray water into a Monet painting. A beautiful girl, roses and honey and sunshine, smiling at Kat with nothing but affection in her eyes.

Maybe Monet’s paintings had been chasing this.

Kat had fallen in love countless times, on film or in secret or in front of flashing, merciless cameras. But here, she falls in love with the same girl again and again.

It’s always Elise. When would it - why would it ever be anyone else?

Her lips are red, her clothes are vintage, her lovers are many. But here and now, her lips are red, her clothes are off the sales rack at a department store, and her lovers are but dust in the wind. She is Kat Carter, movie star and heartbreaker, and she is in love with stardust.

The poet longs to be the poem, the painter to be the painting. Kat longs to be what the sunset was to Elise. She was completely mesmerized, honey hair fluttering in the wind and her eyes turned towards the water. Kat stands next to her, puts her hands on the outlook’s stone railing.

Elise’s hand gently covers her own. It’s beautiful, she says, her arm pressing against Kat’s. Kat wants nothing more than to hold Elise’s hand, press her fingers to her mouth, put her arms around Elise’s neck and thread her fingers through her hair. It makes her ache, the yearning.

She is beautiful and she is untouchable. She is light on water, a mirage shimmering on burnt asphalt roads, the flick of a paintbrush that gives a painting life; the Mona Lisa’s smile, the look in the eyes of the Girl with a Pearl Earring. She is a breath, a heartbeat, a single step away.

Elise looks over at Kat. Her brown eyes don’t turn gold in the light; Kat has never wanted them to. Her eyes don’t need the romanticism of light eyes to be beautiful. They are deep and dark and rich, slivers of dark chocolate and the depths of the Pacific at night, the exact shade of freshly-brewed coffee in the morning and glittering like the city of angels at twilight.

Kat takes the step, raises a shaking hand and places it on Elise’s cheek. She is gilded in dying sunlight, gold and gloss and peaches and silk. Her lashes are lowered, shadows streaking the rich brown of her irises. Elise’s lips part, and she places her hand at the nape of Kat’s neck, idly twisting one of her dark locks between her fingers.

Suddenly there is hardly any space between them, just Elise’s faint freckles like constellations that Kat could never see and her parted lips, covered in glittering peach gloss. A breeze stirs up Elise’s honey hair, and she briefly smiles as she extricates a few strands from her lips where the gloss caught them. Kat’s heartbeat is on the high line she once saw in New York.

The sun sinks below the horizon. In the afterglow, there are two silhouettes in a scenic outlook on the PCH, beside a silver Mercedes convertible, so close that there was only a sliver of sunset behind them. Kat almost wants to laugh; her movies could never fabricate a moment like this. She didn’t think that a camera could pick up what a moment like this meant.

Elise’s mouth curves into a smile. You’re beautiful.

When her lips touch Kat’s, it’s barely a brush. A butterfly’s touch, there and gone. And then she smiles against Kat’s red lips and kisses her, harder, her other hand buried into Kat’s dark hair. Kat’s fingers are twisted in Elise’s not-quite-strawberry-blond locks, brushing bits of hair away from her face as the wind blows harder. Elise laughs, comes up for air, kisses her again.

And Kat, Kat is flying. She has played lovers and the loved, had played at love herself for a year or ten. But nothing could ever come close to this. It is every swig or shot of liquor, every minute spent burning rubber and soaring just past the speed limit on the road, every reckless decision or movie premiere or brokenhearted ex-lover Kat has ever made, attended, or left behind.

In that moment, the girl is no longer pieces of fragmented poems. She has found her other half and been rendered, even for just a moment, whole.

[amwritesitall]

Audrey Tindall Playlist

Masterlist

With Audrey’s playlist a lot of this is based on vibes, so I’m just going to put a little excerpt from the song :)

Playlist link

“Biggest Fan” by Voxtrot

I've never had much hope for my insecurities, but I love that you do. And everything that I lack and could never be, The other half is you, it's always been you. So hold on, hold on this means a lot to me. Cause I know, I know that you will always be. The one, the one, the one that I can count on for anything, anything. And I'll always be your biggest fan, and I'll always be your biggest fan.

“I Think We Danced (But I Can’t Be Sure)” by Ran’d

Go put your best dress on I'll meet you at your door And maybe tonight's just the night to take chances I've waited this whole week To sweep you off your feet And I swear I won't let you go 'til we're dancin'

“Pretty Girl” by Clairo

I could be a pretty girl Won't ever make you blue And I could be a pretty girl I'll lose myself in you 

“Falling for U” by Peacy!, mxmtoon

But I can't help it I'm falling for you And I can't quit it 'Cause I'm stuck on you And it might be pathetic and you might be skeptical But I just want to be with you 

“Cleopatra (Acoustic Demo)” by The Lumineers

I was Cleopatra, I was young and an actress And you knelt by my matress And asked for my hand And I was sad that you asked it, as I laid in a black dress, with my father in a cascette, I had no plans, And I left the foot prints, the mud stained on the carpet, and it hardened like my heart did when you left town But I must admit it, that I would marry you in an instant, damn your wife I'd be your mistress just to have you around

“Fool” by Cavetown

Call me on the phone at three, I talk to you while half asleep Complaining 'bout your mother so I take you to the cemetery Rant to me I like the sound, I like your voice, I like your mouth

“Astronaut Kids” by Hotel Fiction

Cause I don't need to be an astronaut who sails the sea As long as I can just hold you forever And I know I'm too old to dream and I should try to be something real And I don't need to be the man inside of the TV As long as I can just hold you forever, And I know I'm too old to dream and I should try to be something real

“Mona Lisa” by Valntn, Peter Fenn, Tray Haggerty

She's a Mona Lisa Everyone's lining up to see her There must be something 'bout her features You'll find her beauty goes much deeper Once you get to meet her

You see her walking down the boulevard She got the posture of a superstar She looks so fly in those Gucci Slides I wonder what she hides, under her disguise

“All My Loving” by The Stairwells

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you, Tomorrow I'll miss you; Remember I'll always be true. And then while I'm away, I'll write home ev'ry day, And I'll send all my lovin' to you.

“Silly Girl” by chloe moriondo

'Cause I'm just a silly girl in a stupid dumb old world I'm just a silly girl in my stupid dumb old world And he was perfect He was supposed to be

I made him perfect 'Cause I wanted him to be

“Crush” Tessa Violet

You make it difficult to not overthink And when I'm with you I turn all shades of pink, I wanna touch you but don't wanna be weird It's such a rush, I'm thinking wish you were here

“Crush Culture” by Conan Gray

Crush culture makes me wanna spill my guts out I know what you're doing, tryna get me to pursue ya Crush culture makes me wanna spill my guts out Spill my guts out, spill my guts out

“Classy Girls” by The Lumineers

She spoke of places I had never been That she had traveled to And we slow danced along to faster tunes

And I made her laugh, I made a pass I showed her my half-dollar ring She said, "That's pretty cool But classy girls don't kiss in bars, you fool"

“Build Me Up Buttercup” by Lara Anderson

Why do you build me up buttercup, baby Just to let me down and mess me around? And then worst of all you never call, baby When you say you will but I love you still I need you more than anyone, darlin' You know that I have from the start So build me up buttercup, don't break my heart

“Girlfriends” by The Academic

She's only 20 and she's driving a Bentley She's only 20 and she's driving me crazy I'm coming up, she's coming down I let your feet touch the ground She's my girlfriend

“as good as it gets” by sophie meiers

I remember the way the light fell On your shoulders that day I remember the face you made When you got the call Just throw your hope away

I type out too many messages A million things I wish that I could fix I wonder if this is as good as it gets As good as it gets

“Channel Orange In Your Living Room” by Charlie Burg

But now I can't stop thinking about you Each moment passes and my thoughts return to you And the memory of us too As we listen to Channel Orange in your living room

Even when you're away That album makes me feel like you stayed To listen now would make me a fool again for you

“Sea Sick” by binki

Sunken overboarding, I'm so sick of floating At least I'm sinking right beside you See there's no one like you It's not an obsession I just need to find you 'Cause

You could be my sunshine even when it's grey

“7PM” by Lilacs, Lizzy McAlpine

I don't usually do this But baby tell me that you love me and prove it I'm just so far away it's easy to lose it So tell me you're mine, oh I'm so stuck and I need you to pull me back out Say you love me and maybe I'll stop having doubts

“PlantedInMyMind.Memo” by Charlie Burg

You're stuck in my head But I only think of you Will we be together soon? I'm thrown on the wayside You're planted in my mind But I don't wanna be ok without you

“24 / 7 / 365″ by Surfaces

Met, this girl down by the vine Had long tan legs and big brown eyes Seemed the type I would wanna make mine

She said, I can tell you're not my type You're Mr. Wrong, I'm Mrs. Right This could never be what you wanna be tonight

“She Will Be Loved” by Maroon 5

I don't mind spendin' everyday Out on your corner in the pourin' rain Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay awhile And she will be loved, and she will be loved

Tap on my window, knock on my door, I Want to make you feel beautiful I know I tend to get so insecure It doesn't matter anymore

“Hey There Delilah” by Plain White T’s

Hey there, Delilah Don't you worry about the distance I'm right there if you get lonely Give this song another listen Close your eyes Listen to my voice, it's my disguise I'm by your side

“If I Die Young” by The Band Perry

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger I've never known the lovin' of a man But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

“Be My Mistake” by The 1975

I shouldn't have called 'Cause we shouldn't speak You do make me hard But she makes me weak

And don't wait outside my hotel room Just wait 'til I give you a sign 'Cause I get lonesome sometimes

“Letter From Last Summer” by Charlie Burg

I can't remember the name of the place Where I bought this backpack But I know it was somewhere with you in a city Where memories live of our love

Don't be a nuisance Just kiss me for longer 'Cause we have been crying as much as we've laughed Read aloud the letter from last summer So I can recall why I wrote it to you

“INC.” by Dori Valentine

My lady don't care 'bout no money She love me 'cause I'm cute She think I'm pretty funny now And all of the times we going broke It mean nothing to me now 'Cause she say that she want me She loves, loves me She loves me

“Burn Slowly/ I Love You” by The Brazen Youth

I love you like the forest loves the rain Like the water loves the drain, I love you

I love you like the wind, it loves to scream Like the child loves to dream, I love you

“Pretty Face” by PUBLIC

Do you know her? The girl that looks to you And would you love her The way that she loved you?

Such a pretty face You see her walking around It's the middle of the night And nobody makes a sound Says that she can do it but is she lying?

“Electric Love” by Mikaela Astel

Candy She's sweet like candy in my veins And baby, I'm dying for another taste

And every night my mind is running around her Thunder's getting louder and louder Baby you're like lightning in a bottle I can't let you go now that I got it

“Alignments” by Paige

I'm a liar if I told you I was coping To be honest its hard I'm a child if I cry over the small things Slowly breaking apart

And I won't blame the alignments for this one Eventually the bad days come And we run don't we?

“Just Like A Movie” by Wallows

Sneaking out, I'll try to meet you there White lights, now we're running down the stairs Everybody's wasted, throwing away their lives It's all the same 'cause no one ever tries

Through all the sounds that we're laying on the ground Don't ever care and the rest is hidden now How can it be that we are just the same? Or can it be that, can it be that?

“Million Bucks” by Smallpools

I used to be a skeptic non-believer But now it's changed, you're worth your weight in gold The richest love ain't growing on the trees out here But confidently, I can say I'm sold

Stay all-in right now Salt drips from her brow No more days without Makes me feel so right I can do no wrong We'll keep going strong

“So Far Away” by Carole King

So far away Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore? It would be so fine to see your face at my door And it doesn't help to know that you're just time away

Long ago, I reached for you and there you stood Holding you again could only do me good Oh, how I wish I could But you're so far away

“Beautiful” by Jessie Mueller, Beautiful Ensemble

You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face And show the world all the love in your heart Then people gonna treat you better You're gonna find, yes, you will That you're beautiful as you feel 

“Explain It at the Coffee Shop” by Ashton Edminster

Take my hand And hold it tight Look at the paintings I'll be your guide Don't stop looking in my eyes Are you cold Do you want to sit down I've been here a million times So I know my way around Don't stop looking at me now

“My Dude” by Litany

I hope you don't think I'm being cruel Only I'm a better match for you Oh what I'd give to be in her shoes Don't you know that

I really like you And if you liked me too I could be your girlfriend You could be my dude

“Runaway Man” by Olivia Willhite

So, baby, glide Right through the sky 'Cause you didn't look back when I said I loved you Baby, goodbye And leave me with a sigh You'll eventually hit the ground, and even then I'll be waiting for you

“Calvaire” by spill tab

Chiant tu m’exaspères Quand tu pars et tu me déserte Pres de toi chui jamais fière On finit toujours en guerre

-

You might like:  Sally McKenna Playlist or  Sarah’s AHS Characters (+Alice and a Ship) as Songs I’m Vibing With

[swimmingafterdark]

a fools guide for not wanting to die anymore

* (i dont want to die anymore, here is how i did it) *

1. never make a suicide joke again. im not fucking kidding around. you need to make an effort to change how you think about things. its okay to mess up or slip up, but everytime consciously think to yourself or even say outloud “that is not funny and i shouldnt be joking about something so serious”

2. you know what, fuck it no more self deprecating jokes. no more “i suck” or “im not worth it” or whatever we arent doing that anymore. even if you are joking, your brain and soul do not know the difference. your brain and soul still believe it, and it keeps up the cycle. it doesnt mean you cant make fun of yourself, just work to do so more positively. (example: when i draw a picture i dont one hundred percent like, instead of saying “my art is trash” i replace that with “you know i think its time we replace the mona lisa” you make a joke but you still build yourself up.)

3. manifest success,

4. come up with goals even if they are silly or trivial

5. if you see something you like, say it out loud i dont care what the circumstances are. you walk down the street with your friends and someone walking in the other direction has cute pants you say it out loud, to your friends or the stranger i dont care. it doesnt matter how spastic you look it will help. compliment everything you see, at least 4 per day.

6. care more

7. get close to people. the more people you care about the better

8. hug more

9. kiss more

10. when you have intrusive thoughts, picture an edgy angsty 13 year old and tell them to go somewhere else

11. cut out negativity. take negative energy out of your life. you dont need it anymore. (evolving, involves eliminating)

12. lean on the people who care about you. (dont feel guilty about it, they love you, its okay)

13. try something new, as much as you need to remove energy you need to gain good energy. i recommend creating things or exercise whether its writing or doodling, or taking your dog for a walk.

14. drink tea and wake up early.

15. (the earlier you go to bed the better,) nothing good happens after 2 am.

16. interrupt your anxious thoughts with “what if everything works out” & “what if i end up okay”

17. find something you kinda want to do. whether its a city to travel to, or a small local band playing a show in your city, get your ass out of the house and experience something

18. get your ass out of the house. thats its own statement

19. the clock doesnt stop, if you give yourself time, things will change. this much is inevitable. if you want positive change you have to work for it.

20. the way things are talked about isnt usually the whole story. people love to talk about caterpillars becoming butterflies as if its just that easy, but in reality, in those weird little cocoons, a caterpillar completely dissovles itself into acidy goo. if you are a mess right now, if you feel alone in your bedroom in the dark late at night, acknowledge your goo, keep going.

21. meditate.

22. start small and build up.

23. work on your imagination, practice.

24. go outside when it rains (i cant explain this one, just do it)

25. if you want confidence and dont know how to get it, a really good way is to start with other people. walk into class and tell someone how pretty their hair is or take the time to notice how well the barista made your coffee. when you start seeing everyone as beautiful, at some point youll realize that you are everyone too.

26. listen to your parents favorite music, and if you dont like your parents try a friends.

27. crying is cleansing, dont be afraid to let loose

28. cleaning is cleansing, clean your room, dust your windows and fans, vacuum the carpet.

29. always look for pretty things.

30. if you feel guilty venting or ranting about things, ask your audience if they are in the space for it. if they say yes, great you’re good to go, if not you understand it isnt the best time. by asking this, your buddies will see that you are willing to respect boundaries as well as understanding their emotional needs.

31. stop making excuses

32. cry for help without guilt tripping or humor coating. its as simple as that.

33. practice moral honesty. tell people the truth, try not to hurt them.

34. you cant heal in the same environment that made you sick, get out get space.

35. if you cant say something out loud, understand that its okay, write it down.

36. stop knocking on doors from the past.

37. find one thing that brings you joy

38. chase joy forever.

39. dont waste one second.

40. tell people you love them/appreciate their presence in your life.

41. tell more jokes, even corny puns.

42. laugh at everything, even if its forced.

43. find something you can have faith in, and fall in love with it. (G-d, the Universe, Music, Science)

44. you cant take a bath, drink lemon water, and do a facemask to cure your depression, but that doesnt mean you shouldnt do those things.

45. eat your fruits and veggies

46. hang out with your mom (if you dont have one or like yours, make friends with a cool adult as a parental figure & hang out with them. it might sound weird but it was one of the best things i ever did. i love you kel)

47. put twice as much fabric softener in your laundry as you need (&dont forget a dryer sheet for the ol razzle dazzle)

48. change your bed sheets every week

49. drink more water

50. stop apologizing

51. rebuild in private

52. if you dont know who you are, honor this moment, you get to create yourself from scratch, take the time to create someone you would love

53. read more books

54. strip down, and look at yourself in the mirror, picture yourself covered in scars, picture your skeleton, and picture yourself decomposing in the ground

55. learn to be okay with being alone, but dont get too comfy

56. work harder to be mature

57. it only matters how you see you, not how they see you.

58. i know this is a lot, step by step you can do this

[bramblepaws]

ok fuck it im putting all of my thoughts on Daybreak into One Post

spoilers 4 the whole show, under a cut cuz it got looooooong

i went into the show not knowing Jack Or Shit about it, just read the phrase “apocalypse in LA” and dove in. 

i did NOT like the potty humor because i’ve never been a fan of that particular brand of humor, but tbf all of the humor in the show felt Very High School

actually almost all of the everything in the show felt very high school. i thought it was a great way to delve into how crazy high school can be. the show was just “this is high school, only exaggerated”; raised stakes, stronger cliques, more extreme consequences to not working with the social ladder. 

i liked Josh despite myself, and thought it was good that the show was self aware about him... he had his own rose-colored glasses on and didn’t handle things at ALL in the way he should. i’m glad he acknowledged that he wasn’t a nice person for a good chunk of things... i do wish there had been more about him being, like, actually charismatic or something, because him “inspiring” people to do things felt a little forced near the end. 

i’m also glad that they framed his quest for Sam as something that was flawed, because she’s a human being, and he was a dick!! he’s very much a stupid teenage boy about everything and i liked that too. felt more real. 

OH another thing i liked about Josh -- he was so observant! like they made jokes about him not being very smart, but like... he recalled SOOO many things from brief interactions with people, like who was allergic to peanuts or who had magic the gathering cards, etc etc. it was very cool. 

Wes was the character that pulled me through most of the show, honestly. i didn’t care at all about Josh’s quest for Sam Dean -- but Wes’s whole deal? i was dying to know what his secret was. and when the Turbo thing came out? hell yes. hell fucking yes. AND THE FACT THAT THE TURBO THING HAD DEPTH? HELL YES--

i wish that they had gone further into Wes’s whole dichotomy between pacifism and violence, because to me it felt like they presented it As A Thing and then never really went past scratching the surface. THAT BEING SAID, i REALLY enjoyed that they gave Wes actual character. he had different interests!! he didn’t feel like a stereotype!! his relationship was handled exactly the same as a straight one, which was SUCH a breath of fresh air. oh my god i was so happy when no one made any part of a big deal about the fact that it was the two football jocks -- the only issue was that one of them was a murderfiend. and frankly i loved the episode that delved into their relationship in the past. it made both of them feel more real. i don’t know how i feel about post-apocalypse turbo, but i hope that Wes continues to keep him steady. 

i have no particular strong feelings about Eli. i liked that he and Josh got along, the scene with Josh chasing him through various flashbacks was HILARIOUS, and when he kicked the bucked i was like “oh that sux but i can frankly say i did not see it coming, so, nice”

ms crumble was one of my favorites, honestly, i loved her character so much... i loved her episode with the various tv show scenes. it was such a creative way to show how confused and jumbled-up her thoughts and memories were. i did think, in the beginning, that they were going to lead up to her and mr burr reuniting and becoming a couple, and i am SOOOOO glad that they went a more interesting route. the dynamic between the two of them was horrible and that’s Exactly what i wanted. i was so glad to not only see Burr devolve into someone i hated, but that he had been hate-able from the start!!!!! it was a very good slow reveal. 

but the episode on ms crumble where she talks about being an adult and fucking up and not knowing what to do, but like, she still has to be an adult in the friendship between her and a literal child? hell yes. loved that shit. we stan a legend--

i also REALLY liked Mona Lisa and the cheerleaders....... i want to see! more! of them! mostly mona lisa!!!!!!!!!!!! 

finally i must. talk. about. Sam Dean. i had 0 interest in her for a good chunk of the show, and then episode 8 came for my THROAT and i STILL haven’t recovered

she said all of the things that i felt, so strongly, when i was a little older than her. not that i was like super sexy or popular, but the whole... slut thing, was very Big as a topic for me. but it was just so!!!!!!!!!!!! H!!!!!!!!! her episode and ms crumble’s episode felt so REAL. love the complexities they gave to these women and i love how they established them as both women and people dealing with multiple things... loved that we got to see Sam Dean as her own person, rather than just someone that Josh was projecting things onto

i actually would much rather have Sam as the protagonist. i want more of that complexity! i want to know how she ACTUALLY feels about everything! i want to see her learn that her projection of herself DOES say something about who she actually is, and that she can’t expect people to know her if she doesn’t let them. i want to see her open up! i want to see her understand that she is part of the problem, that she pushes people away and gets angry when they react to something SHE chose to do! she wanted to make the video! she asked josh to film it! she did the whole performative act! and yet she says things like “i wish you hadn’t posted it” and “that isn’t who i am”... it is! it is. it’s part of her. and she’s pretending like it’s not because that’s easier! it’s easier to say “no one knows who i am” and want to keep it that way, because then nobody can get in and hurt you. i want to see all of this. i want to see her gain self-awareness about the whole deal and i want to see her understand that she hurt josh, too, and that he was worse about it but she played her part. i want to know who her parents were and i want to know why she slept around. i want to know why she agreed to help out mr burr in the first place. and i want to know WHAT the hell she was thinking when she climbed onto that truck and sat in the throne, because it doesn’t seem to fit her character at the moment but maybe she’s just throwing spaghetti at the wall, trying to see what sticks. am i a slut? am i a nice person? am i a warrior? am i a leader? am i evil? who knows! i contain multitudes! 

anyways i liked episode 8 a lot. it was definitely my favorite. it had the added bonus of showing the most on-brand first-time sex-scene that ive ever seen in my LIFE, AND it made me love sam dean. 

all in all the show pleasantly surprised me in a lot of ways. i thought it was going to be a silly, over-the-top apocalypse teen show. in the start it reminded me of a nickelodeon show with ferris-bueller overlays that was following the trend of every other post-apocalypse show. but it gave actual depth and meta-commentary to characters i did NOT expect expansions for. it made Wes and Ms. Crumble and Sam Dean feel real, when they could have so easily been cardboard back-drops framing Josh’s story. it was well done and well worth the watch.

[theexistentiallyqueer]

Okay so I’ve been thinking about that really bad Hot Take that’s been circulating about fanfiction. And it’s been kind of simmering in me. The root of the problem with it isn’t so much that it diminishes the quality of fanfiction so much as the way it characterizes two completely different genres of media.

Preface: at no point is this ever, ever, ever a diatribe or condemnation against fanart or the work fanartists put into their work. This is about the value that is ascribed to visual art vs the value ascribed to literary art. I am trying to talk specifically about the denigration of literary art in fandom spaces and the way it’s been recently, in a very popular tumblr post, martyred at the expense of queer and disabled writers and writers of color.

Fanart (as a collective genre, according to that post) - Good, artistically-driven, pure, wholesome. Fanartists draw for the sake of becoming better artists, and every work a fanartist draws or creates is made with the goal of becoming a better artist. Fanartists never draw anything that is base, silly, shippy, or smutty; if there is pornographic art, it isn’t pornographic but Erotica. There is no such thing as low- or middling-quality art, because all artists are striving to sharpen their skills and become better artists, and there are no fanartists who draw just for fun or shits and giggles. Fanartists achieve fame purely on the merit of their own artistic ability. There’s no room to criticize fanartists who attempt to cis-wash trans (or trans pesenting) characters, or fanartists who blatantly, frequently, and with frankly no impunity (as their art is reblogged, and reblogged, and reblogged) whitewash characters of color.

Fanfiction (as a collective genre, according to that post) - Smutty, ship-fodder, audience-pleasing trash. Fanfic writers write for the sake of expressing their inner boners or enacting their internal fantasies. No fanfic writers seek a sense of growth in their writing or work to improve their writing in any way. The only reason any works of fanfiction are popular is because they cater to the readership’s base instincts, and the True Authors, the Really Daring authors who write Real Literary Content, are cast the wayside.

It’s such a two-dimensional view of the situation--and it doesn’t even take into account edited content, such as gifsets, which makes up a huge portion of fandom content and has been a type of content, along with fanart, that fanfic writers have long voiced their (our) upset about getting more active & polarized attention than written works. It presents this dichotic view of fanart good/fanfiction bad. Which is also incredibly ugly and disturbing when you consider the fact that fanfiction is the earliest form of curated fan content, and fanfiction itself is inherently transformative in a way that fanart and edits are not, because fanwork in general, and and fanfiction in particular, is inherently in and of itself the public (fans) themselves overriding the corporate-owned landscape with their subversive interpretations.

Like, I have seen not-good fanart. I have seen bland, unimpressive, generic fanart. There is fanart from artists who don’t have their own unique sense of style. Fanart from artists who are just starting out and haven’t developed their skills yet. Fanart from artists who draw as a hobby, and damn they may be good, but they don’t give a fuck about contributing to The Body of Artistry because they have bills to pay and career interests outside of art, and damn, they’d really rather draw these two characters making out, or blushing at each other, or straight-up fucking, than they would create something of Great Artistic Importance. That art gets so many notes. It is liked and reblogged and shared.

And that’s all valid, because art ISN’T A COMPETITIVE SPORT. I embrace fanartists who draw just because they want to, because they don’t care about quality or artistic ideals or whatever, and just want to draw someone being happy, or sad, or angry, or getting dicked down, or whatever!!! It doesn’t matter. Draw because you want to draw. Because your art is an expression of yourself that speaks of your experiences and transgresses the definitions of the world you’ve been told to adhere to. You make art for yourself, to say fuck the system!!!! We’re just the lucky souls who get to appreciate it afterwards.

The complaints that come from fanfic writers--and yes!!! I am one, so proceed with the accusations of butthurt--are that fanart and edits get more social media attention (in the forms of likes, reblogs, retweets, shares, etc.) than fanfic does.

And it’s a valid complaint! It isn’t rooted in some alien reality that fanfiction is inherently more base and less artistic than fanart. I’ve seen some pretty aesthetically displeasing fanart get a high reblog count. And I’ve seen some incredible works of literary attention get no recs, no likes, no comments. I’ve seen works of middling writers who have a lot of fucking talent and show it in their work, and yeah maybe they write porn, but their prose SINGS, and no one comments, no one shares it, no one makes their love of it public the same way they do the fanart, the same way they do the edits and the gifsets.

It’s rooted in two things:

1. Literature (which fanfiction is a subgenre of) takes time to appreciate. You can look at a piece of art and reblog it without thinking about it. It could be a work on par with the Mona Lisa, and you could still look at it without any aesthetic or artistic sense and say, “Hey, that looks pretty.” But you can’t read without thinking; reading is an active mental pursuit you have to engage with. (If you try to pull out Twilight on this point to fight me, I’ll fight you back. I’ve actively read Twilight. Even reading awful literature takes effort; arguably it takes more effort than reading something good).

2. Literature is hard to market with words, because when you’re trying to encourage other people to read it, you have to use even more words. You have to use words to convince someone to read even more words! Some fanartists draw comics or fanart inspired by fanfiction--I love those artists and they do more for us than they could possibly know--but for the most part, you can’t use visuals to show someone why they should invest their time in reading a thing. And unlike fanart--when it’s a tribute, when it’s a showcase of the character’s or characters’ canonical attributes--fanfiction can’t be green-stamped by creators, because fanfiction is inherently built in narrative, and canon-compliant or not, that opens the legal owners of the property up to legal disputes.

So much easier, then, to focus on fanart, which distribution and publishing companies love because they see free advertising in sharing it, to complain that fanfiction is a dispirited genre of unartistic creators who just want to read the queer version of a bodice-ripper.

And then we get to the question of: why is the bodice ripper so bad? Are you willing to critique Jack Kerouac and Charles Bukowski with the same derision you have for queer writers? Are you going to hold the wish-fulfillment fantasies and introspective examinations of sexuality in relation to gender, race, class, and physical ability written by writers expressing their own experiences as inherently debauched and debased because pornographic fanfiction is popular, but not hold George R R Martin to the same standard? Are you going to criticize the prejudices and disparities and biases in publishing that prevent marginalized writers from being able to break into the industry? 

Are you ready to combat the enduring popularity of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, which is overwhelmingly a series of heroism tales about shitty and mediocre white men?

Are you going to take aim at HBO for taking a fantasy series that, while still written by a sexist author who has a disturbing fixation on female sexuality has uplifted its female characters as heroes in their own right, and then drove it into the dirt to end on a note with the male “hero” murdering his female lover, an abuse survivor, after engaging her in an intimate kiss?

Did you take issue with the streaming blockbuster Stranger Things only confirming a character as canonically gay--after planning to have her be a straight romantic option for a major character--because the actress is the one who repeatedly badgered the showrunners about how she didn’t feel her character fit that role?

Are you invested in the fact that video games continue to be majority white, majority male, majority able-bodied, and majority inaccessible to disabled gamers?

You want to complain about fanfiction having too much porn and somehow that deligitimizes fanfiction as a genre as a whole?

Fuck off. There are hundreds, thousands even more likely, of other authors of equal skill to you or greater, who are struggling to have their works recognized in fandoms that don’t want to put the effort in to reading them, the effort into sharing and appreciating them. It’s harder to make someone care about a fanfic. You can reblog a fanart, and your followers will see the art itself right away. If you reblog fanfic, they have to make the conscious choice to engage with it. And none of that is your fault, because you can’t control how other people engage with fan content, but you can advocate, vocally, for the fair and equal respect for fanfiction and fan-written content. You can remind people, again and again, how fanfic writers do so much for so little.

But you want to come into my house and compare fanart to fanficton and claim one is inherently better? You’re the Banksy to my Catherynne L Valente, to my N.K. Jemisin, to my Seanan McGuire.

Start understanding the system is built against us all and start understanding why your battle is uphill. What’s oppressing your creative success is a white, straight, cis monopoly on what the good story, what the correct story is, limiting your options, tying you to a narrative you don’t belong to. Queerness and marginalization exist beyond what’s depicted in mainstream media, and fans expressing that through their own written content?

That’s us taking back the corporate-owned narrative for ourselves. It’s self-liberation through the written word. And yeah, some of it is porn.

It’s porn when it’s a drawing too.

[rainelot]

GCF in Saipan- A Rant as of August 2018 (Posted December)

(Out in December since I wanted to get a more objective view on things and to edit it slightly. This is just as a memory record anyways so)

When I made this blog, it was meant to be a blog to rant about anything Bangtan that interested me. However, I recently encountered one of the most frustrating, interesting, and baffling two days of my life and I needed to address the cause of this with a rant (that I doubt people will read). The cause: Jungkook’s GCF in Saipan.

WARNING: THIS IS ALL IN GOOD FUN. I claim no rights to what is true or not. Don’t take this too seriously please. Will have Koomin/Jikook references.

To start it off, I don’t like real people shipping. I don’t really care if others do it (as long as they remain sane and logical) but I personally didn’t enjoy doing it for one reason: I don’t know them personally, so it isn’t any of my business. I enjoyed their interactions with each other platonically, using what they gave us upfront as fuel, and whatever else that might be happening to purely up to them. For BTS, I never before cared much for shipping, and just enjoyed every interaction as it is.

Then I watched GCF in Saipan, the catalyst to my descent into a brief insanity. What I can say about Saipan is that it is a theorist haven, perhaps why I’ve become so interested now. By “theorist”, I mean NOT REAL, and my opinions should not be taken as fact. These are all just observations that I personally took from the GCFs.

Perhaps what I should say before going into Saipan specifics is that I watched Tokyo in my early days as a fan. I did not know the context of the song, I did not know Jungkook or Jimin well, so I didn’t think much of it. Of course, I acknowledged it was fairly romantic in setting, but I took it to be interpreted either platonically or romantically, and even now I don’t think too much of it. The video itself has a personal meaning to me: reciprocal love, any shape of it available, with little accents and layers that can be tilted and shifted for the viewer’s own interpretation (as all art). I don’t have too much to say about Tokyo itself, because of how straight forward it is. Saipan is the one that makes no sense if I tried to take it in upfront. I’m not very good at reading behaviors, hence my inability to see what others see as “moments”, but I have done some (very unprofessional) editing before and I absolutely love art analyzing, which the GCFs very clearly are to me.

For this, I will be isolating Saipan in a fairly tight bubble, with little unrelated topics. I won’t be including much outside Jungkook’s art (except in the skeptic area). Some previous GCF mentions/comparisons, some outside views strictly on the films as well will be referenced in the rant itself. Not going to include any deep reading into their overall relationship, mostly an analysis of the GCF.

I watched Saipan (at this point after being a fan for long enough to care) first thinking that something was off. Something wasn’t harmonious with each other. The second time I watched it, I realized the dissonance was between the film and the music. Together, it wasn’t coherent, which is different than all of his work so far. Tokyo, Osaka, even USA though being equally promo-related, they all had more to build upon meaning-wise, the perspectives matched within the film. Saipan’s song both in mood and in subject clashed with the film from beginning to end. Of course, all in my opinion.

Here is the song:

Now, before I go any further, I had an intensive discussion with a mutual on twitter, who is a multi-kpop non-BTS stan. She doesn’t keep up with Bangtan, but she likes some of their songs and is a casual listener. She is also somewhat experienced and knowledgeable in video editing and had very interesting input for the factor of “film sound”, the information from a document which she paraphrased. This was her input through the DMs:

“The Pacific Cinematheque has stated that there two types of sound in film, Diegetic and Non-Diegetic. Diegetic is the sound that we would also experience in real life. Non-Diegetic is any sound we don’t experience in real life like dramatic orchestrated songs or musical score or sound effects like the screeches in the shower scene Psycho.”

“So why do directors use sound? Well (and here it comes) it is to do any of the following 1. add mood 2. add atmosphere to a film. How? By adding these soundscapes that Accent or add another Layer of meaning to the film. The filmmaker wants the audience to perceive the scenes in a specific way, and sound/music leg scenes be seen in the specific way that the director intended. Silence in a film can represent something very important or a turning point. Music, specifically in film, has various uses, but most commonly it is used to “guide the emotional response of the audience”. Music is the clue in scenes, it’s like a huge signpost directing (pun cause the filmmaker is a director anyways off track sorry) the audience on how to react to a scene.”

“So basically what I am saying is that of course Jungkook is aware of the music he’s using in his gcfs, and he’s also aware of the reaction he wants from the films. He used that song because he wanted a specific reaction from the audience, he wanted us viewers to see what his intentions are and at this point I’m insane too cause all I’m thinking is that he wants us to react to Jimin and to focus on that.”

(I may or may not have told her multiple times through out my discussion with her that I feel like I’m going insane. I calmed down before writing this though, for the sake of making any sense and neutrality.)

These are just the basics. If you still aren’t convinced how important a song is in context to a film, then remember: before Jungkook even began making the GCFs, he was doing mainly covers of songs. And he said, specifically to the fans, that the lyrics of his chosen songs are important. He usually chooses them for a reason (what that reason could be, up to the viewer, since he doesn’t outright explain the choices).

So we established that first, Jungkook most likely chose this song with actual thought and intention put into it (again, take that intention with what you may).

Of course, what interested me was Jimin’s parts. Mainly because he is my son (even though I am fairly younger than him), and also because of the teaser Jungkook released shortly before dropping Saipan. Truth be told, I wasn’t really expecting the silly dance nor the punches to be included, as I thought that Jungkook only posted that to show Namjoon and the fans what was going on in the “behind the scenes” video Namjoon posted the day before. Perhaps a little blooper insight. So yes, I was surprised that the scene was included at all, much less becoming a gap-clip repeating between alternating clips of the group and other members. I was also surprised at the amount of time Jimin was shown, as after USA being a very equalized group video, I was expecting the same from Saipan. Similarly to USA, it was very work-oriented and promotional, and also both (definitely USA as from Namjoon’s Vlive) were most likely commissioned by Bighit.

Jimin’s dominates the bridge. By dominate, I mean he is the only one with a completely exclusive part in this particular GCF. Verse 1 was Taehyung, verse 2 was Hoseok, and the choruses are a mix. Jimin appears the most not only through adding up all the small clips, but because he takes up two solid blocks of the song, both with the same context and lyrics. The reason why the it’s hard for me to link the others with their individual parts is because of the way they were shot, the clips that were chosen, all very aesthetically pleasing but difficult to find depth or flow in. Jimin’s parts almost had a story line. This is important to me because of the lyrics, which we shall visit now.

First the meaning of the song. John K. in an interview: He describes the bouncy track’s meaning as “[about] evolving through young love, admitting to past mistakes and committing to giving someone the best possible version of yourself.”

To be honest, this song is not as ambiguous to me as There For You, Troye Sivan, Tokyo GCF. Sure, Troye Sivan is a gay artist, and the song lyrics are directed at a boy. But the lyrics themselves I do think can be taken in any shape of love. For Best of Me, this is not the case. I think Verse 2 is the clearest reason for this:

Waking up next to you

Got you back in my arms

Don't it feel like it use to

Like we were never apart

Never thought I would see you

Now we're loving in the dark

We can't fight this feeling

While I’m a staunch believer in lyrics being universally interpreted and available to all versions of personal view (take Osaka as an example, which is another fairly straightforward GCF), to make it simpler for myself right now and with the tinfoil hat on, I’ll stick with what the song can be most basically understood: lovers who are loving in secret, but wants to be let free.

Here comes a bit tinfoil (not really shippy, but more reading into what it could mean artistically. Purely subjective interpretation):

Now, without going into the ship or anything at all first, here is my artistic interpretation of Jungkook’s editing: the lyrics may be directed at Jimin, but I personally can also intemperate that Jimin in the video embodies the lyrics, or the lyrics embody Jimin in the video. Either way works for me. This is interpretation in the same way people interpret the smile of Mona Lisa (purely individualistic), and it doesn’t rely too much on Jungkook’s true intentions here. Again, I don’t claim any of this as the true meaning, as to me there is no true meaning needed for me.

In the video, Jimin shows the rawest actions. He barely pays attention to the camera half of the time, and when he does, it’s for the sake of the cameraman (Jungkook). This can be seen when in the second bridge part, he shows Jungkook his own camera just off screen, and during the second chorus, he high-fives Jungkook, just off screen once more. I believe Jungkook also chose these parts intentionally, especially the sneeze during the second bridge that he zoomed in on. No matter if the purpose was just to clown Jimin (also possible), it still leads an interesting narrative for me (I know I repeated this multiple times, but no, this may not be the intentions of Jungkook, and it is my own view on it as an art form). The lyrics “I don’t wanna hide no more” building up to “Imma let you get the best of me” was in sync with the way how Jimin bursts from a serious expression into a silly dance, with the silliness continuing later after the chorus and verse 2 into the second bridge. He is true to his actions, letting go of inhibition, essentially not hiding, lying, nor acting anymore. All genuine, silly, honest moments, such as the sneezing, the off camera action, etc.

The editing for the dance part is interesting too. As I said before, I wasn’t expecting it, so it was interesting when it seemed Jungkook added a separate track and layered other clips on top of the silly dancing. This one might be a bit of a stretch, but I can see it like the clips of the groups randomly were “hiding” the silly dancing. No particular meaning needed really, just a technique used in editing that, to me, matches the lyrics in an unintended way. Those were just my thoughts when considering the possibilities of the lyrics, and the visual is pretty cool in the narration. I know from experience that it’s much easier to layer clips (BTS eating) over a longer clip (Jimin dancing) rather than cut them individually to fit around each other. So that’s just a neat observation lol. 

Artistically speaking, Jimin is the only solid narrative and character within the video because there seems to be an actual correlation between the actions he does chronologically with the lyrics given for him. I find it interesting how he and the lyrics embody each other as the video went on. Again, my personal take on a work of art.

Now here’s the ultimate tinfoil-kinda-shippy part of my post. ALL PURE SPECULATION.

This video can be conceptually all about the “hidden”. Looking at this as a GCF, in comparison to his two earliest works, it is a lot more promotional, like USA (I actually have some thoughts on USA and Bangtan as well, and may think about writing a post for it. It’s not gonna be as bad as this one though).

Perspective of GCFs before Saipan:

Onto the subject of music perspectives, Jungkook so far as established a trend of using the perspective within the songs to be directed at the people starring in it, most noticeably in Osaka, with the way the lyrics were directed/about either Jimin or Taehyung’s roles/characters in the film from a first person perspective speaking. Tokyo as well with the last few lines of “running running just to keep my hands upon you”, showing the camera in the perspective of being behind Jimin as he got farther away with the first person pronoun. USA with the “we” point of view, which is then including the film’s perspective as part of the “we”, especially noticed when Jungkook goes to shake Zedd’s hand. I assume then that Jungkook uses the music choices as a way to direct to the people or to include himself in it at some points, rather than being a passive outside third person view. Now that GCF in Newark is out, that is even more obvious, though I also find Newark to be a diverging path in his medium exploration, so the perspective is more centered around himself rather than those around him. GCF in Saipan was made with the same format as those before it so my thoughts on its techniques are the same (I will be ignoring Newark for now since it’s format is so radically different, as well as the fact that its creation doesn’t affect his previous works).

This is important in the case of Saipan being very dissonant with the the perspectives of the film and of the song. Beyond my personal artistic perspective above (which, in my interpretation, I believe is another layer to the narrative, as multiple meanings within art is always the best). Say that the lyrics are from the point of view of the camera as a character in the film (Jungkook), which so far it has been for most of the GCFs. USA’s perspective made sense in that it was a group song, and it’s about a "we”, including Jungkook, reminiscing the old days. Generally equalized screen-time for each member, first person plural perspective, you get it. Sure, the tone and mood of it was off, but at least the perspective made sense. Saipan’s perspective and mood both don’t make sense. As a whole, Best of Me as a song choice doesn’t make much sense, given the perspective of it. Very different to USA, which I previously thought Saipan was going to emulate for reasons already stated.

Saipan is biased to Jimin based on the film and lyric placement, as previously stated, and so narrative-wise, it is also Jimin-biased. The song choice itself is also strange in that Saipan’s song is very clearly not a group song. It is a song with a “me” and a “you”. During the bridges, it’s even more clear how the “me” and “you” works. With the camera being the perspective, the “me” is the singer speaking, and the “you” (if we base this off of how Jungkook’s use of perspective works thus far) is directed at whoever is on screen. The same way Tokyo was directed at Jimin, and in Osaka, Jimin and Taehyung appeared whenever the lyrics were directed at them (Taehyung appearing at “he’s taking your side of the bed” so he is the subject of the “you” in that set of lyrics, similar to how “running running just to keep my hands upon you” in Tokyo, the “you” was Jimin. Again, Jungkook uses the camera as part of the narrative, hence the use of communication between camera and “actor”).

Well, you may ask, why isn’t anyone else’s part in the going to be the same? Especially Hoseok’s part, which to be honest, I’m surprised no one mentioned much? They mentioned how the song had questionably romantic lyrics, and everyone freaked out about how beautiful Hobi was in the video (same though) but his part coincided with those questionable lyrics I mentioned earlier. Why doesn’t that indicate Jungkook proclaiming his undying love for Hobi? Well, the main reason is most likely “selective context”. That part by itself could allude to that, but as a whole, the film focused on someone else. So this is an example of taking parts of something to make a different whole. That’s why the structure of Saipan felt different than those before it. Tokyo was linear, Osaka was alternating between two, USA was group, and Saipan is... weird.

So, during the bridges, the “me” is the “I don’t wanna hide no more, I don’t wanna lie no more” and the “you” is “’cause what I found in you is so real”. Depending on who the camera’s perspective is, this can be taken in many different ways. However, USA makes me believe that the camera itself is really Jungkook (as I always assumed so) and not the fans, a third person, etc. If the “me” is Jungkook, and the “you” is Jimin -  well, I did sort of lose my sanity for two whole days.

In short, for an entire two days I was convinced Jungkook was in love with Jimin or at least had some sort of romantic connection with him in some way. Not that they were in a relationship, I was feeling something much too sudden for me to give it labels, and much too isolated to consider any “big picture”. And I felt like I was going insane because of how out of the blue my own reaction was. As I said before, I’m no shipper. So it was shocking and a little terrifying when I was so convinced. (I am calmer now, and have a relatively more neutral stance on the pairing once more, thankfully).

The main reason why I was so convinced previously was because of one reason: with input from my perspective analysis, I believe the GCFs are from Jungkook’s point of view (as we all believe). With the song choice and the clips chosen, it was a surprise to me when I thought about the film more carefully. I don’t ship BTS because to me, those are outside opinions on what’s happening, behavioral analysis videos, coincidence theories, etc. Sure, they can be interesting, sometimes cute, but I don’t see any need to support or pay too much mind to it. With GCFs, it was different because this was not outside perspective. This was Jungkook. This was his video, that he filmed and edited and spent time on. Like with his covers, as he had told us before, they (could) have meaning. They (could) tell a story, that may change the way you view his work. So what exactly could he be trying to tell us has been interesting for me to interpret. Of course, I still don’t think it matters much to have an absolute “True Meaning” unless he gives out one, and even then, art is appreciated in many ways, with so many facets and personal subjective connections. I don’t think I’m right, just that it’s what I perceived. And for me, it took me off guard how disconnected from the rest of the film the bridges were. They were so different in mood, in style, the bias, the commutative narrative going on. I couldn’t understand what Jungkook was saying, unlike all GCFs previous where it felt more coherent and I could at least somewhat figure out his message. And while perhaps Saipan simply doesn’t have a message, that’s hard to believe with this ongoing narrative.

This basically comes down to the opposing ideals in my mind. On one hand, I would hate to assume anything about someone I don’t actually know, especially when it’s something so personal and not-my-business. On the other hand, I would hate to dismiss anything that could be meaningful from an artist who put a lot of thought and handwork into a project of their’s. Something my art teacher of four years told me before “don’t be scared of being wrong about reading into an artwork, because they want you to see the things you are seeing”. Perhaps it’s all on purpose without any personal meaning? Maybe. I’ll stick with the “meaningful narrative but not necessarily romantic” for my own safety.

Who knows? Here’s some counterclaims to cheer you up and help me regain sanity.

Speculative counterarguments with responses and more doubt and speculation (my irl friend helped to come up with some of them, just in case):

Counterclaim:The song is meant to be taken platonically, with more focus on literal meaning on the chorus parts “Imma let you get the best of me”, aimed at either the members or at the fans. The song may also be promotional due to it having the same name as one of their own song. This means the entire video was focused more on promo (like the end “Summer Package” text).

Response: Jungkook does care about lyrics, and even with promo possibly being the main focus (which I do think it is a big part of it), I don’t think he will choose a song with the same name at random. However, it is possible he wanted to choose a song with the same name (promo, personal reason, who knows) and also thought the lyrics applied minimally (and liked it musically). As I said before, I am a big “lyrics can mean anything” person, so taking romantic lyrics and using them for platonic or other situations is something I can see happening. So yeah. This is definitely possible.

Counterclaim: Jimin is focused on for the bridge part because of the lyrics “I don’t wanna lie no more” tying to his “Lie” solo from Wings (my friend is the one who came up with this one)

Response: This one I find there is a low possibility of. Mostly because even if that was the case, why would Jimin dominate the entire bridge, including the other lyrics? Jungkook could have easily edited in other members, like the mixture he does for the verses and especially the choruses. Just put in a little shot of Jimin at the lie part and move on. So, this is unlikely (along with the fact that I really doubt Jungkook chooses songs and clips based on that) Which leads to the next counter:

Counterclaim: Jungkook very simply enjoys filming Jimin most, due to familiarity and Jimin being more comfortable with it. He’s at the bridges for content symmetry and also because there were simply more footage of him because of ease and accumulation. He sees Jimin as a very fun and goofy person, so he used the funny clips. There is no deeper meaning behind Jimin’s shots.

Response: Sure, I guess. This comes down to “how personal are the GCFs for Jungkook?”, which I would personally say very much so but I digress. They’ve already proven that Jungkook enjoys pointing the camera Jimin a lot in recent interviews (5th army mainly). I still think the most questionable parts of the video was how Jimin was singled out at the bridge parts and what the lyrics could possibly mean along with that, but I won’t rule this one out for the sake of accumulating other possibilities, no matter how much I believe in Jungkook’s artistic vision and my innate enjoyment in getting random meanings out of everything for fun. Again, platonic intention is possible to me. You may disagree, and that’s completely fine. I’m still neutral about this, because hey, anything is possible. So don’t get too carried away.

Counterclaim: So what about Osaka, if you consider the lyrics literally? Does that mean Taehyung, Jimin, and Junkook are in a love triangle?

Response: Honestly, I would like to do a personal analysis of Osaka in a separate post in the future (if I have time). Here’s a taste of what I think of it in a shorter answer to Osaka in general: it is actually possibly my favorite GCF, reasons being that I adore the the little no-music cuts Jungkook did, and also because Vmin is one of my favorite relationships in Bangtan. Due to sentimental reasons, Vmin has a very special place to my heart. Osaka feeds that part of my soul I suppose. Now, about the lyrics and the supposed love training happening, the thing is that Osaka is very different from Saipan in terms of use of perspective, use of cuts, screen time, etc. Personally, I see Osaka as a film about the maknae-line as a whole, with a smidgen of Jimin-bias. I don’t see the film about a love triangle, especially not a romantic one. Hope I can make a separate post detailing this.

Now that I’m done, I want people to not overthink it too much (unlike me). Of course, Saipan for me personally was just incredibly interesting because of how off and strange it felt to me in comparison to the other GCFs, but in regards to shipping, don’t invest too much emotionally. Enjoy what you get from all members, get attached to a pair maybe. But don’t let it completely take over your life. I like the speculative agnostic approach best (similar to my favorite blogger in regards to KM). Sure, Saipan had me go insane for two days straight out of the blue, but coming down from the insanity was a learning experience, especially returning to my neutral stance, which I enjoy greatly.

Making this more clear once again: this is not a post exposing Jungkook or anything. I do not claim any of this as his real thoughts. In fact, I don’t even believe any of what I’ve interpreted entirely. Those to me are “possibilities” to be thought, but not to be declared as truth. I think I’m probably wrong about a lot of this. Since again, why else do people still question what exactly Mona Lisa was smiling so mysteriously about? (she knows something we don’t, as the critics say).

If you want a more impartial opinion on GCF in Saipan, I recommend this director's outlook. I recommend using a non-biased mind to read this non-biased outlook. It is very interesting by itself as a professional's opinion. Please do not take the post as fodder for ships nor the definitive meaning of Saipan (if there even was one, who knows). We will never know for sure unless Jungkook ever decided to explain it if he wishes to. And if he never does, that’s fine too. Distinguishing what is reality, what is our reality, and what is someone else’s reality is extremely important.

Thanks for reading if you did! Hope it wasn’t the most awful thing ever. Tell me what you think about my interpretation, my opinions, counterarguments and counter-counterarguments. I do like KM as a ship now in some way, but again, all in good fun, and I don’t really want to give the relationship any labels. I don’t really want to take any of this too far other than a long rant to let out some parallel universe thoughts.

This was made also before I really got into any KM speculation, and it’s all very interesting. But I currently don’t really want to form a solid opinion on anything, or read too deeply. Maybe I will, one day. Or not. Since like I said, I’m not good at reading people.

It’s very likely no one will even see this, but as a personal record of my thoughts, it feels good to put them down.

💦 ☔💦