#i saw this also happened in my post from the 2nd time i got covid

[majorbitchwillgraham]

This might be the 3rd time I have covid.. I couldn't find an antigen test and my parents low key said I was exaggerating lol, but it could also be a normal flu, I actually don't know.

But the cases have grown in my city with different friends telling me there have been cases at their workplace

And it feels similar to the 2nd time.. maybe I will try to find a test. Meanwhile I don't know, I just have been feeling bad for 4 days now 🙃

[splashstar01]

Unofficial "Gayness Levels" of my 7 TOP TIER fave-of-all-time slash couples

(that I’m doing purely to pass the time whilst sick with covid, don't be mad at ratings, I adore them all & tried to be as non-biased as possible, looking purely at canon moments!! xD)

I TRIED NOT TO SPOIL ANYTHING. PLEASE DO NOT SPOIL.

Warning: This post is anti-Hinny & anti-Arwen. If that triggers you, don't read. In actuality, I don't hate Ginny or Gwen. Ginny got better in HPCC after she was no longer an annoying teenage girl, and Gwen is my fave girl! But I ship her with Lancelot, not Arthur! ;~;

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I will give spoiler warnings, as there are ships where the spoiling just had to happen in order to fully rank them. :| I will give ample spoiler alerts!

I worked diligently for hours each day since coming down with covid (after the 2nd day, because before then I was too weak to move). 

I tried making sure each ship had a proper fighting chance. My ships are like my children lol. X3 I went into this working from the top down, with assuming the best of them and trying to find evidence for why they were 5 stars in each category!! I wanted all my ships to get 5 stars across the board. But I also had to be partial/realistic, supporting the 5 stars with evidence, or lack thereof, in some cases.

Ships on the list (in no particular order. No, really, I used a randomizer to pick order lmao):

Renga

Drarry

Hannigram

Destiel

Asheiji

Merthur

Scorbus

Anime: Sk8 the Infinity--Renga (Reki & Langa)

Pros:

Deep Emotional Connection 

Affectionate 

Strong Chemistry

Semi-Canon Status

“During his beef against Shadow (a rival) in episode 1, his skating when he’s just coolly, narrowly avoiding rocks in that long 18-second cut, and his final jump, I fell in love with him just as Reki did when he saw Snow (Langa's skating name)!” ~Utsumi (creator)

Cons:

Lack of Explicit Romance: While the emotional and psychological depth of their relationship is clear, there’s no explicit romantic resolution in the canon yet (we only just got done with season 1). Fans are left with a lot of subtext, which, while meaningful, can be frustrating for those seeking concrete confirmation of their relationship beyond friendship.

One-Sided Vulnerability at Times: While Langa expresses his admiration and need for Reki in more overt ways, Reki tends to hide his struggles and insecurities, which at times creates emotional distance. Their dynamic leans more towards admiration and personal growth than deep codependence.

Ranking Renga's Gayness:

Touchy-Feely Levels: ★★★★★ 

Their frequent proximity and shared physical activities, like skateboarding and emotional hugs, show a lot of closeness. Their body language often communicates a sense of care. Skating together in such intimate, trust-filled moments adds a subtle layer of physical intimacy. While there aren’t overt romantic physical gestures, their body language and frequent proximity (like skating together and often emotional literal flying-bodies-on-the-ground hugs) show a lot of closeness. Their skateboarding together, sharing intimate experiences like teaching and encouraging one another, could be interpreted as a form of touch. But also once they shared a skateboard ;) Like, how gay is that? rofl xD

Emotional Intimacy: ★★★★★ Their emotional connection is the heart of their relationship. They provide each other with significant emotional support, and the anime highlights moments of vulnerability, particularly as Reki works through feelings of inadequacy while Langa seeks connection. Langa, a former snowboarder, relies on Reki to rediscover his love for -boarding (now skateboarding) after moving from Canada, while Reki finds confidence in Langa’s presence and validation in their friendship. Langa’s conversation with his mom, where he blushes while discussing his crush on Reki, further highlights the depth of their emotional bond. Reki and Langa openly support and encourage each other, creating a strong foundation for emotional intimacy. They have a close, supportive friendship with many moments of emotional vulnerability. Their emotional bond is built on a strong foundation of deep mutual care and admiration.

Obsession/Codependence: ★★★★☆ There are elements of obsession, especially on Langa’s side, as he becomes fixated on skating with Reki and their shared bond. Their relationship also affects their self-worth and happiness, which speaks to a subtle codependence. Langa cannot perform well without Reki, who is his main reason for skating. When they drift apart, their emotional turmoil is palpable, especially for Reki, who struggles with feelings of inadequacy. They lean on each other for emotional support and personal growth, though for Reki it doesn't cross into full-blown obsession or unhealthy codependency. Because the obsession/codependence is a little bit 1-sided, they get 4 stars instead of 5. 

Sacrifices: 5/5 ★★★★★

Reki sacrifices his time and energy to help Langa become a better skater, even when it impacts his own self-confidence. Meanwhile, Langa shows his deep affection by trying to bring Reki back into the fold after they drift apart. Both make sacrifices to maintain their friendship and emotional bond, though these are more emotional than life-threatening. Reki sacrifices his confidence and emotional security for Langa's sake, as he struggles with feelings of inferiority. Langa also makes emotional sacrifices by never flaunting how much better of a skater he is. Langa also takes Reki’s jealousy without retaliation or anger, only deep sadness. They each compromise and grow from their relationship, making personal sacrifices for the sake of their bond. While their sacrifices are more emotional than physical, they’re still significant.

During this fight, it was even raining. What a het trope, lol. Fighting in the rain... XD This was completely intentional.

Chemistry: ★★★★★ Their chemistry is undeniable, with a mix of playful banter, deep emotional support, and moments of jealousy and longing. Whether skating together or simply interacting, their dynamic is magnetic, and their friendship feels full of unspoken tension and affection. The chemistry between Reki and Langa is electric, with strong emotional tension and moments of clear admiration. Their relationship balances moments of fun and lightheartedness with deep emotional conflict and resolution, making their connection dynamic and impactful. The fact that fans—and even the creator—acknowledge Reki’s love-at-first-sight moment highlights the romantic potential. The dynamic between them is filled with tension and warmth, as they balance moments of fun, teasing, and heartfelt connection. Their bond drives much of the emotional intensity in the series, with their skateboarding journey acting as a metaphor for their relationship. (The show is mostly about their relationship, with skateboarding as a side/distraction lol)

How Canon?: ★★★★☆ 4.5 Renga falls into the semi-canon category, with the creator’s commentary and Langa’s blushing reaction to his mom asking about his feelings for Reki. The romantic subtext is strong, and there’s creator intent to show Reki and Langa’s relationship in a romantic light. The creator openly discussed Reki’s admiration for Langa from the start. However, despite these clear hints and the romantic subtext, there’s no explicit confirmation of their relationship on-screen, keeping it from being fully canon for now. Nonetheless, the anime provides more than enough material to consider them as a semi-canon romantic pairing.

During episode 8, while Langa's mom was asking him about why he seemed so down in the dumps, his mom related his story to an experience she once had, presumably about his dad. Because of that, she tells him it would be better if he was honest about his feelings. She asks him to confirm, (in both English and Japanese dubs), "You like this person, don't you?" Langa replies with a shocked yet toned down blush, and eventually Utsumi (the creator) confirmed he does romantically like "this person" (Reki). During that same episode, in the original Japanese dub, his mom says it as "Sukina ndesyo?" which translates to what the English sub or dub said. The word "Suki" In Japanese means "like", however, in contexts like this, it translates to "romantic love."

Final Summary:

Touchy-Feely Levels: 5/5  ★★★★★

Emotional Intimacy: 5/5 ★★★★★

Obsession/Codependence: 4/5 ★★★★☆

Sacrifices: 5/5  ★★★★★

Chemistry: 5/5 ★★★★★

How Canon?: 4.5/5 ★★★★☆

Total: 4.75 out of 5 stars

2. Series: Harry Potter--Book!Drarry (Draco Malfoy & Harry Potter)

Both original Harry Potter book artwork by Jim Kay.

Before reading the books, I thought Drarry was a total crack ship & I didn't like movie!Draco. I thought he was a simple bully. I read the books for Snape x Lily. But Snily ship sunk faster than the Titanic, and in its place was this glorious OTHER! Drarry actually has a ton of textual evidence/support & I couldn't deny the gay anymore lool.

Pros:

Obsession & Codependence

Chemistry

Sacrifices

Tons of Intimate Moments (in the official last installment, the play HPCC--Harry Potter & The Cursed Child (which focuses on Harry & Draco's sons Scorbus (who is also on this list). Most of the fandom hates HPCC, but it's the book with one of the best drarry so I'll gladly take it lol.)

JKR (the TERF) randomly hates Draco, & she hates the ship. BUT: I compiled the Drarry Bible, a 98k word doc of all the Drarry scenes/how they are accidental literal soulmates! Read first if you're mad about smthn I said (even if you've read the series—many Drarry shippers have been stunned by its contents). I have text proof!

Cons:

Never becomes canon—it's mostly fan interpretation of the canon text where JKR accidentally writes them out as utterly in love. I was never looking for the gay with Drarry. I disliked Draco, I was there for the Snily. Why would I want Harry with his bully? The gay ran me over.

Very little physical intimacy, though the emotional intensity is powerful and the times they do have physical intimacy are very profound.

Obsession & Codependence:

"Harry, however, had never been less interested in Quidditch; he was rapidly becoming obsessed with Draco Malfoy." ~Harry Potter & the Half-blood Prince

Rating: 5/5

Obsession levels are extremely high for both characters. Draco spends a good chunk of the series fixated on Harry, while Harry reciprocates by fixating on Draco’s every move (even when he's not being suspicious, which is most of the time). The fact that they stare at each other, know each other’s habits, and even unintentionally hurt themselves due to this obsession solidifies this. Codependence emerges in how much they seem to thrive on this rivalry and attention from each other. Their mutual fixation and obsession with each other feel incredibly intense, with shades of romantic tension, especially given how the entire school, even staff, pick up on it. Their obsession feels very queer-coded, even if not canonically romantic.  Draco spends five out of seven books completely fixated on Harry (even in books where he's not like The Half-blood Prince & Deathly Hallows, there's still plenty of gay)! And Harry is obsessed with Draco in return.

From the Drarry Bible:

They are constantly staring at each other for no good reason (like all the way across the Great Hall during lunches). They shout at each other all the way across the Great Hall too, making their obsession obvious for the whole school (because the whole school has same lunch period). They are literal walking encyclopedias of the other. Draco talks about Harry constantly to anyone who would listen (Harry is his favorite topic...), and thus the whole school knows about his big gay crush on Harry, including the staff, his parents (especially his father who told him to STFU about Harry since he was talking about Harry literally all summer lmao), and even Voldemort was highly suspicious in the last book, to Draco's father's horror. Harry is equally obsessed over Draco, so much so that he gets hospitalized because he’s thinking about Draco too much during a Quidditch match and gets hit. Also, the staff, Draco’s mother, and Ron’s dad knows about Harry’s crush on Draco (Ron’s dad is amused by it)… Draco is so obsessed over Harry that he makes ‘Potter stinks’ badges and charms enough for all 3 Houses and gives them out for FREE! (He's his own personal Harry Potter fanclub..) And Harry, despite pretending to be furious, secretly kept one! (He brought it home and kept it under the bed with the rest of his special souvenirs from school lolololol I can't even with this!) Their last encounter before that school year was out (his only time to be able to have taken a Potter Stinks badge) was even another argument with Draco on the train.. Lmaao! And all along, little did Draco know, Harry had a badge tucked away on his person. And brought it home with him. And it still works even years later because that’s how much care Draco put into making them (who does this??) And there’s no way you would put all that effort into doing it for someone you’re not totally crushing on but talk about constantly and watch all the time and use every excuse in the book to try to talk to.  Like one year he even faked an arm injury and then later admitted to Harry he was just trying to get Harry to help him out in their class. So he kept complaining until Snape finally gave him Harry as a lab partner. XD This gay, I swear.

2. Chemistry:

Rating: 5/5

The enemies-to-something dynamic creates a palpable push-pull tension. Draco’s teasing and Harry’s confused reactions lead to charged moments, and their chemistry seems more alive than with other characters. The emotional and physical energy between them is notable and strong. Draco teases Harry constantly because he's upset Harry rejected his friendship (this was confirmed by Draco himself in his confession to Harry in HPCC). Harry confusing anger for arousal (he'll be "mad" but stares constantly, never agree with Ron when Ron makes fun of Draco's looks or wishes ill on him, & immediately perks up at any mention of Draco's name bc Draco is also secretly his fave topic lol). Draco’s teasing, and their back-and-forth feels emotionally charged and reads like many classic queer-coded rivalries.  The push-pull, enemies-to-something dynamic is strong. Draco and Harry have a charged energy whenever they’re around each other. As Draco smirks-winks at him, Harry sometimes acts the part of the 'blushing maiden' with Ron to defend him. His face flushes, and he gets really quiet sometimes. One time Harry was standing towards the front of the school and all the other kids were standing too, but Harry was wondering where Draco was, so he turned his head and looked for him as Dumbledore was speaking, and Draco was sitting instead of standing, and staring straight ahead. So Draco obviously sees Harry just try to find him and Harry just turns back to the front after finding Draco (which totally gave himself away). That's like, so fucking embarrassing. JKR said Ginny was meant to represent his dead mother Lily, which is why like Lily, Ginny has flaming red hair. (Kinda creepy to make the wife physically look like the mom, but okay.) Not to mention, with Ginny's family, which is Ron's family since Ginny is Ron's little sister, the family basically adopted Harry in as their own, making them Harry's first 'real' family. This suggests that his connection with Ginny is more about emotional security than romantic passion, which explains why he's never truly as obsessed with her as with Draco. Their het romance was so sudden and lacking in passion that some fans theorize Ginny used a love potion. (Literally, Harry had a bigger girl crush on Cho than he ever did Ginny.) Harry & Draco’s obsession with each other is love-potion extreme all throughout the series (the way Harry would be with Draco would almost feel like the way Ron would describe his feelings this one time Ron accidentally took a love potion). In HPCC, they are friends and without even being there for their intimate 1v1 talks, they must be acting so friendly because Ron points out that they’re so “chummy-chummy” now! And their Quidditch matches became like their impromptu dates that they both looked forward to. (Harry was hospitalized bc Draco was skipping his matches that year, so during a match with Hufflepuff, he was thinking about where Draco could be and that's when he was hit. (Everything I say are book passages--feel free to search them up in the Drarry Bible above.)

3. Sacrifices:

Rating: 5/5

Both make significant sacrifices for each other, risking not just their lives but the well-being of loved ones. Draco’s risking the lives of himself and his family’s for Harry is particularly telling given JKR confirmed that nothing is more important to him than family (except Pottah I guess *snicker*)! While Harry repeatedly saves Draco, even risking the lives of himself and his two besties who are like his own family (of course Harry is an orphan and has no living blood relatives except the Dursleys, so the few found family he has are everything to him…..) During the Battle of Hogwarts, Draco saves his life from his two friends, screaming “DON’T KILL HIM! DON’T KILL HIM!” (Draco rarely ever screams) and of course when Draco needs rescuing immediately after, Harry is the first one there!! Even as Ron screams that if they die, he’ll kill Harry lol. So Harry risks the lives of his two best friends to fly back in and rescue his big gay crush. He rescues Draco while his friends get Goyle. Harry honestly didn’t give a shit about Draco's friends, he was going straight for Draco. If he’d really cared about rescuing the one in most need, he would’ve gone for Goyle first who was in much worse shape….. Or Crabbe. Crabbe ended up dying in the fire. 😓

Though this doesn’t cement a romantic relationship, the emotional investment is high. Sacrificing one’s life or risking safety of other loved ones for each other shows deep emotional ties. The risk-taking for each other’s sake has undertones of devotion that could easily be read as a more-than-platonic connection. Harry's repeated acts of saving Draco’s life, even putting his best friends at risk, and Draco's willingness to risk his family's safety for Harry, show a profound level of sacrifice. The fact that both characters are willing to risk everything for each other, including their lives and the well-being of loved ones, underscores the magnitude of their sacrifices and devotion. Draco’s intense vulnerability in HPCC further emphasizes the depth of their emotional connection. Draco shows an intense vulnerability in the final book, opening the door for an emotional connection for HPCC. Unlike the movies, he never goes to Voldemort’s side in the end. He chooses Harry’s side, even though Harry’s side isn’t his parent’s side. He does this because he soon realized in book 6 that he can’t stomach violence (unlike James Potter—Harry’s violent bully of a father who was planning the murder of a fellow student but backed out last minute), but also I’m sure Harry being over on that side pushed him over the edge.  Even during the duel from HPCC, where Draco initiated it as he was trying to get Harry to allow their gay sons to be together, Draco didn’t really want to hurt Harry. His attack spells were mild, much less lethal than his spells during school in their duels (like, Harry used two spells: tickle & forced dancing... while Draco used spells that shoved Harry and etc etc.. it was all very mid).

4. Emotional Intimacy:

Rating: 5/5

So Draco always wants to use every excuse to talk to Harry. That's why every single year on the train (except the 6th book, there was no 7th year since Harry went on the run that year), Draco would go meet up with Harry to talk to him before school starts probably because he missed him over the summer. awwwww LOL. And in the year Draco didn't go to him, Harry put on an invisibility cloak and went to Draco, because Draco, a 16 yo kid (mind you, in HP, 17 is legal adult age), went shopping without his mother! And this going shopping alone made Harry so suspicious of Draco and Harry's two friends were with him the whole time, but neither of them thought it was that suspicious and they literally get so sick of Harry talking about Draco non-stop that year that they tune him out. Harry proceeds to use a magical map to track all of Draco's movements that year, going as far as ducking into bathroom stalls to check where Draco is. LMAO! These boys will be the end of me... -,-; HPCC adds fuel with their intimate conversations where Draco confesses his true feelings about their school rivalry—that he just wanted to be besties with Harry & was jealous of Ron & Hermione because they got to be Harry’s friends while he had to force his way into Harry’s life through mean teasing just to be able to talk to him! Their interactions go far beyond what we see in Harry’s interactions with many other characters in the play, and now that they’re adults and civil, the depth of their bond escalated like wildfire, which leaves the audience wondering how much closer they would get after the play when they’re now actual friends! Considering their innate obsession with one another and need to be close….. And the fact that Harry and Draco are both pretty queer-coded gay men.... (The books are told from 1st POV so we know exactly what Harry was feeling and who he kept staring at, and he was definitely never staring at Ginny....)

Emotional intimacy is often a hallmark of romantic or queer connections. The vulnerability Draco shows and the fact that he was so obsessed with becoming friends with Harry shows a deeper connection than rivalry. In HPCC, Draco admitted to Harry that he was never jealous of his fame, just his friends. Naturally, Ron got to be friends with Harry, so that's why Draco had such a hatred for him.

Harry knows Draco better than anyone else, even though Draco is really good at hiding his feelings with occlumency (the magic of closing one's mind against mind reading, which requires a strong ability to hide feelings). Harry is the only one who can still see past it despite the fact that they’re not even friends. Likewise, Draco knows Harry really well and is the only one to know Harry well enough that he knew Harry wouldn’t attack those students in Chamber of Secrets during a time when most of the school suspected Harry. He also knew that Harry wasn’t the heir of Slytherin despite most of the wizarding world, including his dad who he idolizes, thinking Harry must’ve been some dark wizard in order to blast Voldemort away as a baby. 

In HPCC, Draco was the one who was most worried for Harry when Harry volunteered to go confront Voldemort (I cannot make this up, he was literally panicking like how he does in fanfics.... llol like aww so sweet), and Harry was the one Draco was most worried about, despite the fact that Harry was the head of the DMLE (Department of Magical Law Enforcement—Head Auror) AND the only one to have repeatedly gone face to face with Voldemort & lived of all the people there (Ron, Harry, Hermione, Draco, and their gay 14 year old sons). 

Harry worries endlessly about Draco when he knows Draco is in a tight spot. They are soulmates, one half of the same whole. They are the only two who really know what the other went through in regards to Voldemort. Harry saved Draco in more ways than one. In HPCC, they had far more special moments with each other than with literally anyone else in the play, far more than Harry with his wife (Draco’s wife died of illness at the beginning of the play). 

In the books, Harry was never really attracted to any of the girls. His biggest girl crush was Cho (crush on Ginny/wife doesn’t even come close so the fandom never talks about her because there’s barely any book quotes to bounce off of!), but even that crush paled in comparison to his obsession over Draco. Even though Cho's table was closer to his, he'd never look at her during lunches... He'd look right over her to look at Draco.................. YUP. This is why Drarry is such a huge ship. JKR was not subtle.... yet she claims Drarry is all in our heads! In Harry's internal monologue, he was mostly checking out other guys, but mostly Draco. Literally all the guys he thought were handsome had Dracos’s eye color! 🤔 Sus much? LMAO. There was no guy he found attractive that did NOT have Draco’s eye color.

In HPCC, Draco was so quick to forgive Harry (he was mad enough that he went to Harry's house and started fighting him and they fucked up the kitchen by throwing chairs etc.. & generally reverting back to their schoolboy days!!! lmao), even though Harry never apologized! They have such soft spots for one another, and Harry is always just as fast to forgive, esp in school. v_v

The depth of their connection is highlighted by their intimate conversations in HPCC, and in all the books, their deep understanding, and concern for each other. Their interactions go beyond typical rivalry, displaying vulnerability, trust, and a soulmate-like bond. The way they save and forgive each other, along with their unique understanding of one another’s experiences w Voldemort. Everything thus far suggests an extraordinary level of emotional intimacy that Harry doesn't even have with Ron. Ron and Harry are like, BFFs, but Draco is like the boyfriend/lover. Different types of closeness. They have a profound, unspoken connection where they are drawn to each other like moths to a flame, coupled with the significant moments shared between them.

In the main books, Harry went to fight Voldemort with Draco’s stolen wand that he didn’t officially win in a duel. Wands are a wizard’s heart & soul. And also Draco’s wand was unicorn-core, meaning it’s extremely loyal. Harry shouldn't have been able to get it to work, but Draco’s wand was friendly towards Harry, unlike Draco’s maniacal aunt Bellatrix’s wand. So, because Draco’s wand, along with Harry, defeated Voldemort, Harry was basically fighting Voldemort with Draco’s heart and soul. Aawweeeee. Gayeest battle lmao, and just like that, DRARRY saved the day/world! The wand was only friendly with Harry because it could sense that Draco truly cared for Harry…. 😏 In HPCC, Harry and Draco talk as friends for the first time, and Draco stops calling him 'Potter,' while never once using Ron's first name lol. Draco is also the only one able to get through to Harry on a topic that not even Ginny or McGonagall could. They bond and their moments together are so electric, unlike any other relationship in the play aside from their gay sons.

5. Touchy-Feely:

Rating: 2.5/5

There’s little physical touch beyond duels and Quidditch, where Draco’s physical attacks seem to have an undertone of excitement (like literally in HPCC.. where Harry used a tickle spell on Draco and also a dancing spell....LMAO XD like.. bruh... just ask him for dance lmao). Physical intimacy is minimal but emotionally charged. The touchiness is more indirect, stemming from aggressive physicality, but in the context of their obsession, it seems like Draco gets some satisfaction from the physical encounters. When Harry rescued Draco from the fiendfyre, Draco was “holding Harry so tightly it hurt” and shouting in his ear. ;) lmaoooo. How.... intimate.

While physical touch is minimal, the moments that do occur are emotionally charged and hold significance, particularly in the context of their interactions. Draco would always try to hit him during their Quidditch matches because he seemed to get off on any sort of touch with Harry. The touch is more about tension, aggression, and heightened emotion rather than tenderness, but it still conveys a sense of intimacy, especially in moments like the fiendfyre rescue.

6. How canon? 

Rating: 2/5

While Drarry is not canonically confirmed as a romantic relationship, the strong obsession, chemistry, and emotional intimacy make it a compelling interpretation for many. Their secret love is definitely real in their world, since JKR wrote them that way--as closet gays by total accident, but the official canon does not explicitly confirm their romantic connection. ;_;

Final Summary:

Chemistry: 5/5 ★★★★★

Obsession & Codependence: 5/5 ★★★★★

Sacrifices: 5/5 ★★★★★

Emotional Intimacy: 5/5 ★★★★★

Touchy-Feely: 2.5/5 ★★★☆☆

Canon? 2/5 ★★☆☆☆

Total: 4.08 out of 5 stars

3. Show: Hannigram--(Hannibal Lecter & Will Graham)

Pros:

Obsession & Codependence

Intimate Moments

Chemistry

Sacrifices

When asked about the relationship between Will and Hannibal: "For me, Hannibal has always been a romantic horror story. Even from the get-go of the series." ~Bryan Fuller (Creator)

Cons:

Not the touchiest duo in terms of physical affection—this is all about the mental, emotional, and psychological tango.

Chemistry: ★★★★★ 5/5 The chemistry between Hannibal and Will is both terrifying and compelling. Their intellectual sparring, emotional vulnerability, and seductive manipulation create a deep, electrifying connection. Even without explicit romantic actions, the tension between them is palpable in every scene, pulling them together in a destructive yet irresistible bond. Every glance or exchange feels weighted with unspoken desire. Their chemistry is magnetic and dangerous. Every scene between Will and Hannibal is charged with tension. Their chemistry builds on manipulation, psychological games, and seduction, creating a connection that feels as inevitable as it is destructive. Even without traditional romance or intimacy, their bond is electrifying and nearly impossible to look away from. Electrifying, built on mutual manipulation, psychological chess, and seduction.

Emotional Intimacy: ★★★★★ 5/5

Hannibal and Will's intimacy comes from their deep psychological connection rather than physical affection. Their relationship is built on understanding each other's darkest desires and fears, allowing them to share a closeness that few could replicate.

Though physical touch is rare, the sheer intensity of their mental and emotional intimacy makes their relationship profoundly intimate. While Will and Hannibal’s relationship isn't traditionally physical, their intimate moments are charged with emotional depth and psychological intensity. They share many intellectual exchanges that build the feeling of closeness. They even ‘adopt’ a daughter together and Hannibal planned to have them all run away together. They have an intense intellectual intimacy.

Obsession & Codependence: ★★★★★ 5/5 Hannigram is defined by mutual obsession. Hannibal’s fixation on Will is all-consuming, while Will is constantly torn between his own fascination and fear of Hannibal, creating a dark, codependent relationship where both seem incapable of letting go of each other. Their love becomes destructive but undeniable, spiraling into mutual obsession. They are unable to escape each other, deeply intertwined in a codependent relationship. Their unhealthy dependency elevates their connection to an extreme, spiraling into an all-or-nothing love that leaves no room for anything else in their lives. Off the charts! Hannibal’s love is an all-consuming, dangerous obsession. Will’s constant mental push-and-pull with Hannibal’s influence shows a deep, dark co-dependence.

Sacrifices: ★★★★★ 5/5

*SPOILERS FOR ENDING IN THIS SECTION OF SACRIFICES*

Both Will and Hannibal are willing to sacrifice everything for the other—morality, lives, innocence, and even their own sanity. By the end of the series, they are both willing to kill for each other (Hannibal even kills someone he loves deeply for Will), and the finale showcases that ultimate willingness to die together with the cliff scene—where they metaphorically and literally fall together—marking their ultimate sacrifice for their bond. It’s the kind of all-consuming bond where nothing is off-limits. Will sacrifices his sense of self. Hannibal sacrifices his plans, resources, and carefully cultivated image just for Will. Will, despite being a force for good, is willing to compromise his values, embrace darkness, and sacrifice the safety of others for Hannibal.

Touchy-Feely Levels: ★★★★☆ 4.5/5 They share many sensual moments that add to the relationship's intensity. When Hannibal and Will touch, it's brief but deeply charged, loaded with meaning. Not to mention, they almost kissed in the series finale! The physical touches between Will and Hannibal are subtle yet charged with deep emotional and psychological intensity. These touches include Hannibal’s caring, almost possessive gestures like touching Will's face during so-called “medical examinations,” symbolic dream sequences where they merge together, and the highly intimate moments like when Hannibal cradles a wounded Will or helps him to his feet after a fight. They excel in emotional and psychological closeness, and when the physical aspect is present, it feels like an event—transformative, even. While not overly frequent, these moments reflect their complex, entwined relationship, blending care, control, and fascination.

Their almost-kiss:

How Canon: ★★★★★

Creator Bryan Fuller has confirmed that Hannibal was always meant to be a romantic horror story, and the series shows that explicitly by the end. The romantic subtext becomes full-on text, particularly in the final two seasons, with both Will and Hannibal entangled in a twisted, deadly love story. There’s no ambiguity here—by the end, their love is openly acknowledged by the characters, even if it manifests in the most dangerous of ways.

Final Summary:

Chemistry: 5/5 ★★★★★

Emotional Intimacy: 5/5 ★★★★★

Obsession & Codependence: 5/5 ★★★★★

Sacrifices: 5/5 ★★★★★

Touchy-Feely Levels: 4.5/5 ★★★★☆

How Canon:  5/5 ★★★★★ 

Total: 4.91 stars out of 5.

4. Show: Supernatural--Destiel (Dean Winchester & Castiel)

Pros:

Sacrifices 

Chemistry

Obsession & Codependence

Intimate Moments

Cons:

*Spoilers for the end*

Dean’s side of things is a little more ambiguous despite Cas’s confession. Plus, they never fully addressed it beyond that.

1. Chemistry: ★★★★★

Level: 5/5

*SPOILERS*

The chemistry between Dean and Cas is electrifying, built on years of longing, emotional tension, and deep connection. They have 12 seasons of unresolved tension, with countless lingering looks and longing stares, moments of vulnerability, and emotional conversations. It's the kind of chemistry that often leaves viewers wondering why they haven't kissed yet. The show builds their interactions like a slow-burn romance that plays on subtlety and emotional depth, though it’s more about their soulful connection than physical. Cas’s confession solidifies what fans had known for years: that their bond went beyond simple friendship. The way Dean and Cas interact, often like a long-term couple with unresolved feelings, makes their chemistry undeniable, even though it took seasons for the show to confirm it outright.

Literally all the characters thought they had a thing for each other. LOL. Many joke that they are boyfriends and "attached at the hips."

2. Emotional Intimacy: ★★★★★

Level: 5/5

Their emotional intimacy is high-level. They are a very serious couple with deep emotional issues that they have to sort out. (Like long-term husbands do. V_V) This ship is a deeper/more serious pairing for sure, though they do have moments of humor. Dean allows Cas into his guarded heart, which is no small feat, and Cas is always there for Dean through every moment of vulnerability. Their deep conversations and emotional moments reveal layers of feelings that go beyond mere friendship. We finally got the canon confirmation of Cas’s love for Dean after over a decade of so-very-obvious pining, making the relationship feel even more profound and intimate.

3. Obsession & Codependence: ★★★★☆

Level: 4/5

Dean and Castiel’s relationship is incredibly co-dependent. Cas literally falls from heaven for Dean and sacrifices everything—his family, his angelic duties, even his life—multiple times for him. Dean is deeply torn between his responsibilities and his feelings for Cas. They constantly come back to one another after fights and disagreements (where 95% of the time, Dean is in the wrong), with Dean repeatedly apologizing and choosing Cas, and of course, Cas always is very willing to take him back and accept his apology, even after this one time when he beat Cas to a bloody pulp and almost stabbed Cas to death. Dean later got flashbacks of this, as it traumatized him. (Dean was not in a good place. He was battling the Mark of Cain, which he willingly took on to save the world, as he, being so selfless and self-sacrificing, tends to do.) Their obsession with each other drives many of the show's conflicts, creating an undeniable codependency. They often live/travel together and are total husbands! Their lives revolve around each other. They (along with Sam) raise an adopted newborn son together in their bunker/permanent home, and the son calls them his “three dads.” 🥺 Very domestic! (Their infant son is 2 by series finale but chose to come into the world in the body of a 27-year-old man—the same age as Jensen/Dean in season one, because he knew otherwise he wouldn't be safe. GOOD CALL!) The only reason they lose a star is because Dean will always put his brother Sam above all else, so Cas will never truly be his number one. Meanwhile, Cas’s entire character arc revolves around Dean, while Dean is constantly torn between the mission and his feelings for Cas.

4. Sacrifices: ★★★★☆

*SPOILERS FOR THE END IN THIS SECTION*

Level: 4/5

Cas repeatedly sacrifices everything, including his angelic status, heaven, his powers, his family, and eventually, his life, all for Dean. Dean, in turn, sacrifices his emotional barriers, constantly letting Cas in despite the risks to his heart. Dean shows sacrifice in his emotional openness. Cas’s ultimate sacrifice, confessing his love and then dying whilst saving Dean’s life, is the culmination of years of devotion. Castiel’s sacrifices are larger in scale than Dean's, often costing Cas everything. Castiel's arc is defined by his devotion to Dean, making him one of the most selfless characters in the series. Cas literally died for Dean—multiple times. Cas throws away all of heaven/his family that he’s known since the beginning of time all for Dean. Dean has repeatedly shown emotional vulnerability and trust towards Cas, which is significant given Dean’s mega-guarded ‘macho’ nature. This emotional openness often puts Dean at risk of emotional pain and betrayal (Dean has secretly cried many times over Cas, and this man doesn't cry!) Dean has said that he considers praying to be begging, but yet he prays to Cas all the time, especially when they can't be together, or are in the middle of an argument and are physically separated. Dean’s dedication to Cas sometimes strained his relationships with others, including his brother Sam, and led to conflicts. But because Cas’s sacrifices are far more extreme and Dean’s sacrifices are much less, they get 4 stars. Ultimately, Cas overwhelmingly sacrifices more with much less in return.

5. Touchy-Feely Levels: ★★★☆☆ 3.5/5

Level: 3.5/5

Dean and Cas have an intense emotional connection, and although they aren't the most physically affectionate, there are a number of moments of close physical proximity, like when they hug (which they do five times!), or their many lingering touches, pats on backs or shoulders, eyesex, longing stares, one time Cas even showed up on Dean's car naked and covered in bees (LOL), but they lack the constant hand-holding and easy constant physical affection or constant physical proximity that might we see with some other slash ships. This is likely due to the show’s ambiguity surrounding Dean’s feelings. Their relationship thrives on emotional and psychological closeness, rather than touch. Their connection is more about the soul than the body, though the longing gazes certainly count! 

6. Canon?: ★★★★★ 5/5

*SPOILERS IN THIS WHOLE SECTION*

Cas’s love for Dean is explicitly confirmed, which cements the ship as canon from Cas’s perspective. While Dean doesn’t reciprocate in words, his emotional reaction and devastation suggest strong feelings of reciprocation. Dean’s side remains just slightly ambiguous onscreen (us shippers see it plain AS DAY especially with all the parallels to them being an epic romance!), and Misha Collins (Castiel) was quick to confirm that:

"Dean was always too shocked in the moment to respond." ~Misha Collins

While the show stops just short of fully embracing the romance, the confession is a pivotal, iconic moment. The confession remains one of the most iconic moments in the show.

Final Rankings:

Chemistry: 5/5 ★★★★★  

Emotional Intimacy: 5/5 ★★★★★ 

Obsession & Codependence: 4/5 ★★★★☆ 

Sacrifices: 4/5 ★★★★☆ 

Touchy-Feely Levels: 3.5/5 ★★★☆☆ 

Canon? 5/5 ★★★★★ 

Total: 4.41 stars out of 5

5. Anime: Banana Fish: Asheiji (Ash & Eiji)

Pros:

Themes of Healing and Redemption

Tons of Emotional Intimacy

Obsession/Codependence

Many Sacrifices

Loads of Chemistry

Cons:

Lack of Explicit Physical Canonization: While the emotional bond is undeniable, the relationship is never physically explicit in the traditional sense. For fans looking for more open romance or physical intimacy between characters, the lack of canonized romantic development might feel unsatisfying.

Ratings:

Touchy-Feely Levels: ★★★☆☆ 3.5/5 stars

They have notable moments of physical closeness, such as tender/supportive hugs and the kiss that totally took Eiji by surprise (to pass a secret note to him), when Eiji helps get Ash into the shower, and they occasionally touch lightly, but it's not the primary focus of their relationship. Their bond is more about emotional connection and shared experiences.

Emotional Intimacy: ★★★★★ 5/5 stars

Extremely high levels of emotional intimacy. Their relationship is built on deep emotional support and understanding, making it a core aspect of their connection. Ash and Eiji share a profound emotional bond that transcends traditional definitions of friendship or romance. Eiji represents a source of light and peace in Ash’s dark, violent world, while Ash becomes Eiji’s protector and emotional anchor. This deep emotional intimacy is one of the most compelling aspects of their relationship. Ash allows himself to be vulnerable around Eiji in ways that he does with no one else. Eiji becomes the only person Ash trusts entirely. Eiji feels safe with Ash, even when surrounded by danger, showing how much faith he has in Ash's abilities and care. Eiji symbolizes hope and healing for Ash, offering him a chance to escape his tragic life. Their relationship serves as a narrative of redemption, as Ash, who is accustomed to violence and manipulation, finds unconditional love and acceptance in Eiji. Their love, while not super explicit, is often interpreted as deeply romantic by fans due to the intense emotions they share. Their relationship transcends labels, making it a beautiful representation of love in its purest form—one that defies societal conventions. Their emotional connection is profound. Ash and Eiji share a deep bond characterized by mutual support, understanding, and a strong emotional connection. Their intimacy is central to their relationship.

Obsession/Codependence: ★★★★★ 5/5 stars

Asheiji involves strong codependence with significant emotional impact. Their connection is deeply entwined, and they are both obsessed with each other to the extreme. All Ash can think about is Eiji, which leads to enormous consequences. Eiji for his part, loves Ash and obsesses over him endlessly. They demonstrate a significant level of codependence. Ash and Eiji are deeply intertwined in each other's lives, and their relationship profoundly affects their actions and decisions.

Sacrifices: ★★★★★ 5/5 stars

They make notable sacrifices for each other, showing dedication and commitment. Their sacrifices are substantial. Ash was willing to send Eiji away for his own safety despite Eiji being the only light in his life, but Eiji didn’t go, risking his life by choosing to stay. They’ve both put their lives directly in danger for the other. Both characters make considerable sacrifices for each other. Ash’s actions are often influenced by his desire to protect and be with Eiji, while Eiji shows remarkable dedication and commitment, despite the dangerous circumstances. Eiji takes care of Ash when he’s unwell or hurt. At one point, Ash tried to shoot himself dead to protect Eiji but unbeknownst to him, there were no bullets in the gun. Eiji jumped in front of a bullet for Ash once, landing him in the hospital. Ash’s fierce protectiveness over Eiji is a central element of the ship. This dynamic creates powerful, emotional moments throughout Banana Fish, where Ash goes to extreme lengths to ensure Eiji’s safety, showcasing the true depth of his feelings.

Chemistry: ★★★★★ 5/5 stars Their chemistry is compelling, with a blend of tenderness and intensity that defines their relationship. They are magnetic, built on emotional vulnerability, trust, and a shared experience that pulls them together in powerful, often understated ways. Their chemistry is notable, with a mix of emotional depth and connection that drives the narrative. Their interactions are charged with both tenderness and intensity.

How Canon?: ★★★★★ 5/5 stars

Their relationship is confirmed as canon by the creator, making it a deeply acknowledged romantic connection. It was heavy subtext in the anime, but in the manga Garden of Light, it became explicit. While not explicitly sexual, it is recognized as a deep, romantic soulmate connection.

In the manga, Sing Soo-Ling (creator) states in the short story “Garden of Light” that they truly loved each other and were soulmates.

Final summary:

Touchy-Feely Levels: 3.5/5 ★★★☆☆ 

Emotional Intimacy: 5/5 ★★★★★ 

Obsession/Codependence: 5/5 ★★★★★

Sacrifices: 5/5 ★★★★★ 

Chemistry: 5/5 ★★★★★  

How Canon?: 5/5 ★★★★★ 

Total:  4.75 out of 5 stars

6. Merthur (Merlin & Arthur Pendragon) 

Pros:

Extremely Touchy-Feely

Sacrifices 

Chemistry

Obsession & Codependence

“I think it’s a love story, it absolutely is a love story.”  ~Julian Murphy (creator)

Cons:

It quietly went canon, with no obvious love declaration or successful kiss onscreen.

Chemistry: ★★★★★ 5/5 stars The chemistry between Merlin and Arthur is undeniable and electric, with an unspoken bond that far surpasses all other relationships, including their other romantic ones. Their banter, loyalty, and constant presence in each other’s lives create a compelling and often flirtatious dynamic. Arthur lights up around Merlin in a way he never does with anyone else, including his wife, Gwen. The high school AU vibes are real—they bicker, laugh, have a deep emotional connection, and have an undeniable pull towards each other. The tension between them, combined with their loyalty and the way they light up around each other, creates an undeniable spark that draws viewers in. Their palpable tension makes their relationship feel very much like a secret castle romance, which is what it basically was as confirmed in the commentary. Their unspoken understanding and constant presence in each other’s lives create a chemistry that’s magnetic and endearing. Unspoken yet undeniable. Well, others speak of their bond, just not them most of the time (though in their intimate moments, they do, too!) Like Princess Mithian once commented saying to Merlin, "Arthur values your opinion above almost all others."

And after seeing them together for only a few days, Merlin's mother says:

The great dragon Kilgharrah has always said that they're two sides of the same coin, and that they make each other whole. So it's confirmed that they're soulmates, literally half of each other. Their bond is one of loyalty, humor, and an endless, deep connection. They are like a cutesy/angsty high school AU of secret gay boyfriends. The whole castle is aware of Merlin’s ‘other woman’ status and they treat him as such. 

2. Emotional Intimacy:  ★★★★★ 5/5 stars

Merlin and Arthur’s relationship is defined by an unbreakable bond that transcends friendship, with deep emotional intimacy, playful chemistry, and mutual reliance. They constantly bicker, but their loyalty to each other is unwavering, with Merlin secretly sacrificing everything to protect Arthur, while Arthur depends on Merlin for emotional support and guidance, often treating him as more than just a manservant. However, the secret of Merlin’s magic creates a subtle yet significant barrier in their relationship. While Merlin sacrifices everything for Arthur, he can never fully trust him with the truth about his identity. This adds complexity to their bond, highlighting how the political climate of Camelot and Merlin’s fear of rejection prevents their relationship from reaching its fullest potential of emotional honesty. Merlin’s secrecy prevents the relationship from being entirely transparent, meaning Arthur doesn't fully know who Merlin is. While Merlin harbors this secret, Arthur bares his entire soul to Merlin, his best friend, and tells him everything. He trusts Merlin with his life, and Merlin trusts him (aside from the magic part). This limitation keeps them from achieving the ultimate level of emotional closeness, despite their otherwise strong connection. From lingering gazes (SO MUCH EYESEX--there's 23 minutes of eyesex in a 65 episode show), and shared vulnerabilities (Merlin does share his vulnerabilities with Arthur, just not the magic), their connection feels deeply personal. They are each other's #1 best friend. These moments go far beyond any other relationship either has in the show, creating a profound, unspoken closeness that is intimate in both the emotional and physical sense. Arthur tells Merlin everything, unlike with his sweet wife Gwen. He is able to truly be himself around Merlin. For Arthur, due to the way he was raised, everything has an order. With Gwen, he is always super formal/polite. Basically, she is not his friend. He has put her squarely in the "wife" category. Merlin is supposed to be put in "servant" category but Merlin becomes his actual dearest best friend, a category none of his knights touch, since his knights are put in "knights" category. He expects his knights to die for him, he expects Gwen to always be supportive & loving. He expected Merlin to listen to him and respect him, but Merlin is, as Arthur puts it, "Well, you've been terrible. I mean it. Worst servant I've ever had." Even being such a terrible servant, Arthur refuses to fire him, even upset when Merlin goes missing so they find an actual GOOD & perfect servant, George (who hilariously even dresses up as Merlin).

So as Merlin keeps from Arthur the most vital thing about himself, Arthur confides in him more than anyone else, showing trust and vulnerability that he doesn't share even with his wife. He calls Merlin his friend. For context of how special this is, he doesn't even consider his knights his friends.. Even in season 4 finale (14 episodes from the series finale) he told Merlin that Merlin was still his "only friend." The physical comfort and emotional intensity between them, along with creator and cast commentary referring to their relationship as a love story, suggest that their bond is romantic in nature, even if it was never fully confirmed on-screen. Even though for most of the show, Merlin keeps such a vital part of himself from Arthur, since in the end, he did reveal himself (& I'm rating based off of how the relationship left off), these two get a full 5 stars.

3. Obsession & Codependence:  ★★★★★ 5/5 stars

Merlin and Arthur are inseparable, spending almost every moment together. Arthur relies on Merlin for everything, from making major decisions to simply getting dressed in the mornings (I truly wonder how he did this before Merlin. One time when Merlin was gone, Arthur had to ask the Court Physician for help with putting on a shirt & he ended up getting stuck in it, then ripped the shirt......... -______-;). As his wife Gwen was helping him with his armor, Arthur said, sounding very frustrated and like a petulant toddler, "I want Merlin back. Where is he?" ;u; Merlin feels the need to follow Arthur everywhere, even while gravely injured. Merlin was still begging not to be taken back home despite barely being able to speak, but thankfully after Lancelot took Merlin and the two made their way back, Merlin was able to heal himself midway. Then he and Lancelot caught up with Arthur and the other knights again!

Arthur relies on Merlin more than any other person, often over his more experienced knights or even his wife. Their bond is so strong it becomes unhealthy. Their trust and devotion to one another are undeniable. Arthur’s dependence is extreme. Arthur literally takes Merlin on his dates with him and Gwen and even had Merlin hide behind curtains for when he proposed to Gwen. -______-; This is NOT NORMAL. That song "Me you and Steve" is literally THEM (and comments all agreed that animatic is basically the show in a nutshell--it even uses actual show scenes)! Poor Gwen. ;u; Arthur couldn't remember the anniversary of his wedding even though Merlin reminded him the day before, and also, regarding his courting of Gwen:

"He sends Merlin to gather flowers for her, to prepare the date for them, etc. It's not genuine, and this is a boring and chemistry-less relationship. I especially laughed when there was a plot of Gwen being basically replaced by an evil twin. Merlin noticed it almost right away while Arthur didn't, even though they spent weeks together, sharing a bed, having conversations, and so on. He didn't realize the love of his life was replaced!" ~K_S_Morgan

The fact that Arthur instantly knows when Merlin is upset but doesn't notice that his wife hates him for weeks.... He noticed and counted how many days since Merlin smiled! This King has priorities I guess…. LMAO! It shows he's not super oblivious, he just pays attention to things he cares about..... Whenever Merlin is more withdrawn, Arthur always notices and tries to cheer him up. He clearly wouldn't notice if it was Gwen.

You know who would have most definitely noticed 100%? Lancelot!!! Lancelot loved Gwen like Arthur could never. *now I'm trying to not cry* Lancelot and Gwen were soulmates in the same way Merlin and Arthur were. Lancelot would've put her first in all things he did. He was loyal to Arthur because of Merlin, so he would've most definitely put her above ALL else if they'd been allowed to be together. But the show forced her character to stay with Arthur, a gay man, simply because that's the way it was in the legends. Otherwise, the showrunners put zero effort into making their love story believable. It was obvious the aim of the show wasn’t Arthur/Gwen, but Merthur. They said it themselves. They showed a bit of Gwen/Arthur because it is an important part of the legend, but otherwise, that was it. No effort otherwise. Such a disservice to their characters.

Once, when Arthur was on a nice romantic picnic date with Gwen, he told her that he always wanted to run far away from Camelot....... and then he said, "Of course, I'd take Merlin with me." WHAT THE ACTUAL FLUCK. He never once implies she would go with him. Who says this to their date? ???? ??????????? Its just common courtesy to say at least your date can go too lool. but he was not having it XD Once she's queen, all the courting is out (because he was doing such a stellar job at that lol). He settles into the boring married couple routine, and season 5 is also when all gay breaks loose. (He and Gwen got married in the last episode of season 4.)

Arthur and Merlin’s obsession with each other is off the charts. Arthur listens to Merlin more than anyone else. Merlin stopped Arthur from marrying Princess Elena after Gwen, who Arthur was in the talking stage with at the time, tried unsuccessfully to stop it. Literally one word from Merlin was all it took for Arthur to stand the princess up at the alter. 😐 Arthur’s reliance on Merlin is intense, and they clearly cannot bear to be apart. This is Sam/Dean Winchester-on-steriods codependence. Their bond is a constant force in the show, making it central to the plot and their lives.

They are utterly devoted to one another, and Arthur trusts Merlin more than anyone else. These two spent BY FAR the most time together of all mentioned ships. They could not live w/o each other, codependent to extremely unhealthy levels. They had to spend practically every moment together good grief. Very angry/upset when apart for even just a day. Especially Arthur. Arthur is always shouting at Merlin to be next to him when he notices Merlin has lagged behind, even when they're in the castle, and Merlin would roll his eyes but have the biggest most dopey grin and run after him. They are always at each other's sides, even on epic quests that require Arthur to go  "alone and unaided." Merlin is like an extension of himself, ofc Merlin would go! LOL. If I could, I'd give them 10 out of 5 stars for obsession tbh.

*SPOILERS FOR THE END* Arthur literally cannot function without Merlin. His obsession with Merlin's presence, combined with Merlin’s unwavering loyalty, creates an intensely close and often codependent dynamic. In many ways, Merlin needs Arthur too, and without Arthur, Merlin just wanders until he's able to be with Arthur again, no matter how many hundreds or thousands of years pass. Merlin will wander around that same lake where he put Arthur to rest. ;~; If that's not codependent, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS! Not to mention, in that lake/Avalon, Arthur is just waiting for Merlin to need him again so that he can come back to life. CODEPENDENT TO A TEE! Merlin is 100% dependent on Arthur to feel whole again, because canonically, they are two halves of the same coin.

4. Sacrifices: ★★★★★ 5/5 stars

Both Merlin and Arthur make profound sacrifices for each other that go beyond typical devotion. Merlin sacrifices everything—his entire life’s purpose, dreams, chance at a normal life, his humanity—all for Arthur, consistently putting Arthur’s safety above his own happiness, goals, and desires to end the ban on magic (lifting the ban was supposed to be more important than Arthur, his ultimate goal of the series was to lift the ban in order to unite all of Albion, but Merlin never got the memo). Merlin sacrifices his emotional well-being by living in secrecy even though it causes him personal pain.

Arthur, in return, sacrifices his pride, royal expectations, a sense of propriety, and adherence to social norms by elevating Merlin to a position of trust and power that goes far beyond what is appropriate in the class-strict society they live in. Arthur often treats Merlin as his equal and his life partner despite the massive class divide. The level of trust and emotional vulnerability Arthur shows toward Merlin is profound, especially in trusting him with decisions that even his knights and advisors don’t influence, showing how much he is willing to sacrifice for their bond. Arthur was willing to sacrifice everything his father had warned him about magic and lift the ban, if only Merlin had agreed (naturally he asked Merlin for his opinion on such a serious topic)! But unfortunately, since Merlin thought doing so would cost Arthur his life, Merlin with great sadness, said that all magic was evil. 

Arthur’s vulnerability and complete trust in Merlin challenged everything he was raised to believe, and Merlin consistently chose Arthur over his own needs. This was the ultimate demonstration of mutual sacrifice.

One time Arthur was forced to order Merlin back to Camelot bc Merlin couldn't even walk due to his injuries. Arthur was not happy about having to send him away and seemed pretty distraught, eyes red-rimmed and tearful. Arthur almost abandoned the quest, even though one of his knights reminded him that if they abandoned the quest, hundreds more would perish. If not for Lancelot offering to take Merlin back, Arthur would have abandoned the quest, sacrificing hundreds of his people's lives, all for Merlin! When Arthur finds out the truth about Merlin’s magic, he wasn’t angry about the illegal magic, he was only hurt that Merlin felt he couldn’t trust him. Despite the imbalance in the scale of sacrifices, both characters show an overwhelming willingness to give up significant parts of themselves for the sake of the other (if Arthur had known about the magic sooner, he would’ve been able to do his part in sacrificing more for Merlin). Merlin constantly sacrifices everything for Arthur. Arthur sacrifices his royal status by treating Merlin as a trusted confidant/"husband"/"other woman", so much so that his actual wife becomes more like the mother he never had (he gives her chaste kisses, doesn't let her truly in like he does Merlin. At one point she casually says, "Arthur never tells me anything.”) Merlin, a mere servant, starts ordering the knights around as early as season 2, something that only the ‘other woman’ would ever be able to do! This swapping of roles challenges social norms and his strict upbringing, where his father drills it into his head that royalty cannot consort with those of lower rank. This bond often puts Arthur in vulnerable positions where he places Merlin’s advice above that of his much more experienced knights and advisors, despite the fact that Arthur is always calling Merlin an idiot. If idiot, why listen to all major decisions? Arthur is clearly smitten. 

*SPOILERS FROM HERE ON OUT IN THIS SECTION*

The final sacrifices they both make: Merlin waits over a thousand years, five hundred for Arthur to rise again for him, since after 1500+ years, Merlin's the last remaining piece of Albion. And Arthur is in Avalon, waiting for the day Merlin will finally need him again. 😭 (In the show, they have ghosts, & Merlin put Arthur’s body in the lake with Freya, whom Merlin was still able to talk to now and then.)

5. Touchy-Feely Levels: ★★★★★ 5/5 stars

There’s a clear sense of physical comfort between the two that you don’t even see in Arthur’s canonical romantic relationships. The contrast between Arthur's comfort with Merlin versus his awkwardness around his wife Gwen suggests that Merlin and Arthur share a deeper physical comfort level.

Merlin and Arthur's "touchy-feely" levels are high, with frequent touches--from regularly bathing Arthur to falling asleep next to him, moments of deep physical proximity, like humping each other while making highly suggestive noises then falling asleep curled up together in that net, constant touching through roughhousing, close physical proximity, and they even held hands a total of six times (in 1 scene, it was 4 times in one setting as they were fleeing). Even though they only hug once (Merlin: "Hugging is… for amateurs?" Lmao. Versus what else they do, yes, yes, *Arthur cracks his knuckles* Arthur: "Hugging very much is for amateurs!"), with constant physical contact reinforcing their emotional connection, their touchy-feely levels are some of the highest (all they need to do now is copulate tbh 🥴 which they will guarantee do once Arthur is out of Avalon and back with Merlin!)

Here they humped each other to sleep (the close-up shots were super sexual too, but I wanted to post this panned-out view so yall can see what they were really doing):

^Merlin needed to get some keys so he decided the best way was to pull Arthur's pants down. LOL. The fandom collectively agrees he didn't really need to lick his lips, pull Arthur's pants down, and wrestle him in front of the council to get them........

Merlin also bathes Arthur regularly. We have zero canon proof other than assumptions that his wife's ever even seen him naked... Cue the scene where he walks out naked expecting Merlin but sees Gwen, his actual fiance, and the first thing he says is (notice he's covering himself with a pillow presumably because she's never seen him unclothed):

And then afterward, he basically runs away. He isn't a teenager but a grown ass man. Gwen is supposedly his "one true love." Make it make sense. He used to always sleep shirtless but once he married her, he only slept with his shirt on…… How.. strange. It’s really no wonder Gwen never got pregnant in all the four years they were together. There's a random rumor that she was infertile, but I've watched the show multiple times and never is this supposed "infertility" mentioned (if it was, I'd know). I think they simply were not sleeping together due to the king being a flaming homosexual for his manservant. (literally who is surprised?) Merlin & Arthur only hug once throughout the series, but the other things they do more than makeup for their lack of hugs. Oh, & Arthur is absolutely fixated on Merlin's butt and Merlin is fixated on Arthur's crotch.... (I have pages of tags just of all the times these two were fixated on one another's butts & crotches..) These two have serious issues and need to just fuck it out already.

and it's like, "Merlin, my eyes are up here" (but why such a bulge???)

^Pantless Arthur's like, 'Stop checking out my cock, now lemme see dat ass. ;)' Sometimes I can't believe this is a real show.

6. How Canon?: ★★★★★ 5 of 5 stars

*SPOILERS IN THIS SECTION*

The romantic subtext is undeniable and supported by cast and creator commentary confirming the love story. In the very last episode, Arthur mouthed 'I love you' along with the two almost-kisses (first time they were staring at each other's lips & the show's default romantic theme song was playing in the background--music choices are always intentional; second time Arthur was dying & he tried tugging Merlin's face in, but he died mid-kiss).

^they were staring at each other's lips and the show's default romance theme song was playing.. This was also the final episode, & afterward, the showrunners confirmed they were a love story.

Julian Murphy, one of the creators, openly refers to the relationship as a “love story between two men,” to which Katie McGrath (Morgana) responded, “You maybe just confirmed what a lot of people [shippers] thought.”

Alexander Vlahos (Mordred) referred to their love as a "brilliant love story" and an official ad for the DVD boxed set said, "There's much to recommend about this mythical hokum, but it's the droll, sweet love story between Arthur and Merlin that compels in the BBC's excellent fantasy series." Droll means 'funny' so it was essentially calling the show a romcom between Merlin & Arthur. 😂 Which perfectly describes it, actually!

Summary:

Chemistry: ★★★★★ (5/5 stars) Emotional Intimacy:  ★★★★★ (5/5 stars) Obsession & Codependence:  ★★★★★ (5/5 stars) Sacrifices: ★★★★★ (5/5 stars) Touchy-Feely Levels: ★★★★★ (5/5 stars) How Canon?: ★★★★★ (5/5 stars)

Total: 5 out of 5 stars

7. Scorbus (Scorpius Malfoy & Albus Potter)

Based on the new script developments:

Pros:

Deep Emotional Bond

Mutual Dependence

Intimate Moments

Affectionate Banter and Chemistry

Queer-Coded Subtext

“One of the most notable changes is the shift in the relationship between Scorpius and Albus from a close friendship to a romantic one, making 'Scorbus' canon. John Tiffany, the director of the play, has been involved in these updates…”

Cons:

Not Fully Canonized:

While the emotional bond between Scorpius and Albus is incredibly strong, it is never explicitly confirmed as romantic in the play itself. This can be frustrating for fans who wish for a more overt romantic resolution or confession, especially given the chemistry between them.

Albus’s Emotional Immaturity:

Albus is a more emotionally volatile character compared to Scorpius. He can sometimes be reckless, brooding, and push away those closest to him, including Scorpius. This emotional immaturity occasionally creates tension between them and could be seen as a barrier to a healthy romantic relationship.

Viewings inconsistent:

The play can change depending on the night or how the actors feel a certain day. Because of this, you never know what could happen on any given day, which means that the Scorbus might be amazing (like an almost-kiss) or it may be more toned down and not include that.

Touchy-Feely Levels: ★★★★☆ 4 of 5 stars

The way they prioritize each other gives strong undertones of romantic affection. They share moments of physical closeness, such as hugging, forehead touches, very occasional hand-holding, and other comforting touches, that emphasize their romantic friendship and emotional bond.  In some viewings, Albus is seen to almost kiss Scorpius but Scorpius is always oblivious to this and moves away!

2. Emotional Intimacy: ★★★★★ 5 of 5 stars

They are extremely close and are each other’s #1. They comfort each other during difficult times and tell each other everything. They share everything, providing each other with comfort and support. Their deep emotional bond is a key component of their relationship. Their bond is characterized by deep emotional intimacy and affection, which are key elements of a romantic friendship. They provide each other with significant emotional support throughout the play.  Scorpius and Albus continue to share a very deep emotional connection. They are each other's confidants, supporting one another through personal struggles—Albus' difficult relationship with Harry and Scorpius' grief over his mother and the rumors surrounding his lineage. Albus' refusal to abandon Scorpius in times of crisis continue to be strong indicators of their connection.

3. Obsession/Codependence: ★★★★★ 5 of 5 stars Their bond is intense and inseparable with significant emotional dependency. They exhibit classic signs of codependency, feeling deeply affected by any separation. They are consistently the most important person in one another’s lives. Their bond is intense, much like classic codependent ships. They both cry when they’re no longer allowed to be close, despite being 14 years old (too old for this kind of behavior, honestly. I mean, can you see Ron and Harry behaving like this during their 4th year..? Because quite frankly, I can’t.) They share an emotional bond, which is an essential part of their journey. They rely on each other for emotional support, making their friendship the most important relationship in the play. Their relationship is a bit codependent, especially since Albus tends to rely heavily on Scorpius for emotional support. Their closeness is endearing, heavily relying on each other for validation and comfort.

Actual line from play:

4. Sacrifices: ★★★★☆ 4 of 5 stars They are willing to make significant sacrifices for each other’s well-being, including risking their safety and affecting each other's lives through time-traveling adventures. Scorpius sacrifices a lot more for Albus though. He allows Albus to rant about his dad, all the while, he’d just lost his mother. Scorpius follows Albus blindly into immense danger because he loves him so much. Albus sacrifices a good relationship with his father to keep seeing Scorpius. Ultimately, they’re both willing to risk everything for each other, but because Scorpius sacrifices quite a bit more, they get 4 stars.

5. Chemistry: ★★★★★ 5 of 5 stars Their chemistry is undeniable with a lot of emotional depth and moments of longing and vulnerability. Sparks fly at every sweet interaction between the two completely fluffy boys. The tension is less physical and more about their shared experiences and emotional vulnerability with each other. Their banter, affection, and overall chemistry carry through. Their interactions are filled with humor and warmth, which gives their relationship a unique charm compared to others in the series.

6. How Canon?: ★★★★★ 5 of 5 stars

Their feelings are confirmed by the playwrights and the script changes suggest romantic implications, including how Albus even comes out to his dad in the end confirming his love for Scorpius. The playwrights have said that the only reason they're not in a relationship is due to their ages (the characters are in 4th year whilst most romance in Harry Potter happens in 6th year). The playwright has stated that the queerness is very real. This is a queer high school love story in its early stages. ❤️ It's heavily implied that they oh-so-obviously got married (because in HP, marrying one's high school sweetheart is the norm) & therefore (& I'm sure they will just be thrilled!) Harry and Draco will be related through marriage at last (though not exactly in the way I want). 🫨

Overall Summary: 

Physical Intimacy: ★★★★☆ (4/5)

Emotional Intimacy: ★★★★★ (5/5)

Obsession/Codependence: ★★★★★ (5/5)

Sacrifices: ★★★★☆ (4/5)

Chemistry: ★★★★★ (5/5)

How Canon?: ★★★★★ (5/5)

Total: 4.66 / 5 stars

FINAL WINNERS (decided ties based on how on-screen the canon material was + how much trauma was endured):

WINNER: 

🥇 Merthur Takes the Crown! 👑✨🎉

(Arthur Pendragon x Merlin - Merlin)

🏆🎉 All Hail the Kings of Gaydom! 🎉🏆

^Just fuckin kiss already dear gods.

In an epic showdown of ships, where love transcends timelines, magic, and destiny itself, Merthur has claimed the crown as the Gayest Ship in our tournament! 🌈💖

Ok, so this is my OTP, but I really was being partial!!

This ship truly has the full package:

Devotion spanning thousands of years. (The only ship of the list this canonically applies to.)

Humor (the show was labeled a "romcom between Merlin & Arthur" by that aforementioned ad).

Playfulness (lots of boyish roughhousing because Arthur's a jock who likes to mess with his dorky nerdy boyfriend who was 16 in the pilot episode--these two were young!)

Never-ending loyalty

Life/death sacrifices

MOST OBSESSIVE SHIP!!!! (like, way more than Wincest, which is saying something. 👀)

MOST SEXUAL SCENES. 💦 This ship is most definitely the ship with the most sexual/touchy-feely scenes (which is why I have so many gifs of them doing sexual stuff.... I can't find those gifs for the other ships except Hannigram maybe?), which always ups their chemistry. ;)

Tears. So many tears. From us, from them. This is such a tearful and powerfully poignant ship of epic proportions.

Makes you feel good because they are SO FUN together! Their dynamic is extremely entertaining to watch.

From birth—Arthur and Merlin were destined to be soulmates. Whether it's Merlin saving Arthur's life (for the hundredth time!) or Arthur secretly cherishing every snarky comment and stolen glance, their bond is the definition of legendary. Their love, though unspoken in so many ways, has always been undeniable to us and the rest of the castle (knights and all--EVERYONE noticed, even visiting royals). We all saw through every swordfight and sassy banter to the truest love story of the series. ✨

This win celebrates their journey from servant and prince to something so much deeper. Through battles, quests, betrayals, and everything Camelot threw at them, they always prioritized each other, proving that magic isn’t the only powerful force—it’s love. 💫

Congratulations to Merthur for showing us that destiny was never just about a kingdom—it was about the undeniable connection between two hearts. Let the celebrations in Camelot begin!

Long live the once and future kings of gay ships! 👑🌈

Runner Up: 

🥈💀 Hannigram: Dark, Delicious, and Dangerously Close to Victory!

(Hannibal Lecter x Will Graham – Hannibal)

🔪✨ They love each other... to death. ✨🔪

They say love is a dangerous game, and no one plays it quite like Hannibal Lecter and Will Graham. In our tournament of ships, the twisted, tantalizing bond of Hannigram slashed its way to a close second, proving once again that darkness and desire make one hell of a pairing! 🌹🔪

From mind games to dinner dates (where the menu is… questionable 🍽️👀), the chemistry between these two transcends morality, sanity, and the human heart. It's a dance of obsession, control, and unrelenting affection—one that left us all on the edge of our seats, breathless and horrified in equal measure.

While their love may be unconventional, what could be more intoxicating than two minds so perfectly, terrifyingly in sync? It’s a relationship where murder, manipulation, and unspoken devotion go hand in hand—and we wouldn’t have it any other way. 🖤

Hats off to Hannigram for being the ultimate runner-up, and for reminding us that love can be as beautiful as it is monstrous. This ship may not have taken the crown, but it has our hearts in its deadly grasp forever. 💀💕

Cheers to the killer chemistry of Hannigram! 🥂

Bronze:

🥉 Asheiji: A Tender and Timeless Love

(Ash Lynx x Eiji Okumura – Banana Fish) 🍌✨ Asheiji takes the spotlight! ✨🍌

Bronze goes to Ash Lynx and Eiji Okumura, who remind us that love can be both gentle and profound. Asheiji shares a bond that transcends words—it's a love that knows absolutely no limits. From their subtle touches to the emotional vulnerability they share, Ash and Eiji's relationship radiates a pure, heartfelt beauty. Their connection is super wholesome, filled with longing, mutual trust, and an unspoken love that breaks barriers and leaves a lasting impact. Their love is eternal, and the legacy of their ship lives on in our hearts. 🌸💫🌈 

the rest of the gays:

4th place: Renga (my newest ship!)

5th place: Scorbus (fluffiest!)

6th place: Destiel (1st ever slash ship!)

7th place: Drarry (2nd fave OTP in last place 😭 Aw well, their soulmate love is real/true in their world at least)

Final Ranking:

Renga (4.75 stars) – Deeply emotional and supportive where mutual admiration and personal growth define their close, semi-canon bond.

Book!Drarry (4.08 stars) – The ultimate “could-have-been” with palpable tension.

Hannigram (4.91 stars) – The ultimate psychological obsession.

Destiel (4.41 stars) – Finally canon but with some loose ends.

Asheiji (4.75 stars) – Profound, romantic connection marked by intense devotion and soul-deep love.

👑 Merthur (5 stars) – The devotion and unspoken romance are too deep to ignore. 🥳🎉

Scorbus (4.66 stars) – Emotionally intense, codependent relationship with strong romantic undertones.

Phew! That took almost a whole week. O-O Thanks for reading! =D I’d like to always update this list, so if you have any points to add, DM me & I'll see about incorporating it in! I recently updated this to where I rank based off of where the relationship left off in canon!

[glassprism]

hey there! i just read your post about musical bootlegs, and you mentioned that some filmers just disappeared. do you have any examples? i'd love to learn more about the history of bootlegging

Oh, that would probably be a really long list. I'll just note some of the most well-known ones that occurred during my time trading (so post-2011), whether within the trading community or in Phantom. Keep in mind too that some filmers disappear for a long while only to make a return; I won't be listing them since they're still around in some form. I'm also not going to name many of them because, well, safety, but you might be able to tell who they are based on the bootlegs I list as theirs.

One of the first is a filmer who filmed, among other things, the last show of Phantom's 3rd national tour, the video of Chris Mann and Katie Travis in Phantom, and the complete video of Dallas's modernized version of Les Miserables. They're well known to me because they actually posted their releases on Tumblr for a time, only to get harassed out because people kept yelling at them for bootlegging or selling bootlegs. They disappeared shortly thereafter; not sure if it's related to what happened to them on Tumblr, but it was a loss because I believe they were situated on the West Coast, whereas most other US filmers are in the East Coast, around Broadway, so we lost someone who could film productions in LA, San Francisco, and the tours.

Another who disappeared shortly thereafter was someone who was, well, a prolific filmer of many shows on Broadway and occasionally tours all over the US and was active since at least the mid-2000s. If you've watched, I don't know, the Cooper Grodin restaged tour videos, the original Broadway cast of Hamilton, the original Broadway cast of the 2nd revival of Les Miserables, any of those, you've seen their videos. From what I've gathered, they experienced some personal issues that caused them to take a break from filming and they have not returned since.

Also happening around the same period of time was another, mainly Broadway-based filmer who also did a few videos on the West End. (They filmed a video of Ben Crawford with Ali Ewoldt as well as the video of David Thaxton and Kelly Mathieson.) My recollection is that this person experienced a lot of leaks of their videos, causing them to take stricter and stricter measures in an effort to stop that, which culminated in them leaving altogether. Them leaving along with the two above contributed in some part to the dearth of bootlegs you see in the... late 2010s or so, at least with Phantom, because they were some of the most prolific filmers around. It wouldn't be until after COVID-19 that I saw a resurgence of filmers on Broadway.

Going back in time a bit! If you ever look at trading lists, you might see that there are a lot, and I mean a lot, of videos from the Broadway production of Phantom from 2012-2015 or so. That's almost entirely due to two filmers who were also very active on Tumblr and were based in NYC and went quite often to catch various understudies, swings, and unusual cast combinations. Both have since left filming, though in their case, it's at least partially because they're working in the theater industry in some capacity now.

And onto more depressing cases... there were a couple of filmers based in Europe, I think Germany or Austria, though they definitely made trips to other countries. They filmed several of the Phantom Hamburg revival videos, a lot of Elisabeth videos, and a number of the West End Les Miserables videos (if you see one that's heavily focused on Anton Zetterholm - yeah, that's one of theirs, that filmer was a fan). Unfortunately both were... I think either arrested or had their homes raided (or both) and collections confiscated, and while I think they were released, you can bet that put them off filming.

Finally and most recently, that I know of, the filmer who got the one complete video of Jonathan Roxmouth in the World Tour was caught and has not done any filming since, obviously. That was a shame as well because they had been planning to get more videos of the World Tour with the various alternates and understudies, but of course that never happened.

So that's a few, there's way more around, but I was just trying to think of some of the most prolific recorders around.

[4uru]

My personal problems:

My clusterfuck of a rant (ft. Cassandra clare)

Buckle up besties bc im about to trauma dump. Like actual baby gay trauma.

(@faithfromanewperspective you wanted to know, i dont think i can freestyle angst on an ask like i can on a post so here it is)

Tw: incest, gender dysphoria, homophobic parents, sexual assault.

In our country you have to give a board exam (goverment??? Exam??? Similar to SATs) at the end of your 5 grade. So you need a primary school certificate (PSC)

After my PSC, my parents fixed up my Tablet. And went to work., i sat on my leaving room couch with blankets and pillows for a whole month (there was a dent on the couch when i actually got up for 6th grade) and i surfed the internet in those weeks.

I saw the malec video on yt ( i didnt click on it and didnt think much of it)

So my friend told me to watch anime. Somehow searching 'anime' on yt lead me to an anime 'Super lovers' (yaoi, pseudo incest, pedophilic and rapey everything under the sun you can find, its in super lovers) also i was like 11. 5 years old at this point. I have no concept of whats right or wrong. And bc of these animes (theres so much of it) i thought incest was fine. I also got into Todobaku and bakudeku. And thats part was fine i was mainly watching edits on yt. Then i started reading yaoi mangas and wattpad stories and gacha vids (And yes incest is still featuring on these stories for the most part)

Somewhere along the line, i was like, this feels weird (it was a particularity bad wattpad story with incest i think) i was already consuming gay content for months by then. (I still hadnt started 6th grade mind you.) and my standard for content increased a bit. And i stopped engaging with incest fics and mangas completely. After i distanced myself from it i realised how fucked that was and moved on from it.

But i still engaged with gay content. Somehow i stumbled upon the malec vid again. I watched it. (The first time im seeing live action gay ppl on screen) then i got into thai bl. ("Love by chance" was my first) the thai bl scene was a bit better. Around this time i read bl, watched bl and started to research about gay culture and what not. I figured out i was attracted to girls before i even went back to school

When i went back to school I became friends with a girl (lets call her bunny) I knew bunny since 5th grade but i didnt talked to her that year. she was smart and cool and i had a bit of crush on her from afar.

(5th grade before gay awakening) One time in my school bus while guessing one of my "friends" crushes i asked if he had a crush on bunny, he laughed, i "joked" if i was a boy, i would grow up to marry her. That 'friend' emptied his water bottle on my head as a response.

In 6th grade, the first week (maybe 2nd /3rd January), bunny and i got selected for a group project along with other friends. Me and another friend went to bunny's house for the project. The other friend left. After that friend left bunny and I started to unpack our traumas for each other. Family troubles and what not. I (being the dumb bitch i am) told her that i liked her (and also the water bottle thing) and that i liked girls too (at this point I identified as bi)

In class 6 and of fuckery happend, but me and bunny became bsfs so fast, with in a day. And we were inseparable. I asked her out and she laughed in my face. And we laughed about it years later too. 6th grade ends with her being made at me for smth i didnt even do wrong and some other shit with out toxicest friened. (We werent hanging out by the end of the year)

(Also i finished all off the percy jackson and percy jackson spin offs in 6th grade) and i also told my dad that i liked girls too. He conveniently forgot it for the nest year.

I come back for 7th grade knowing I was bi or pan (couldnt decide which i identified with the most) i start hanging out with a group of boys. Then covid happens.

Lockdown at the begining was fine (terrified but fine) around the second month of lockdown some genderfuckery started to happen. I would forget my own gender (round the time i was falling asleep or waking up). I started consuming for trans stuff around this time. And i journaled on my sketchbook with doodles and cried on it. I had terrible dysphoria. And i didnt even have a name for it in the begining. And one day the pain became too much and i broke in front of my mother. I came out to her. She ignored me. (Muslim parents) she said i was just a tomboy and "theres nothing wrong with me" and other stuff. I was sure i was trans. And non binary (trans tiktok helped with that bit).

My dysphoria became worse as time went on. Just before time of my birthday. My step mother bought me some books i asked for (queer books) and it had Chain of Gold She saw that it had just come out and thought i would like it. So i was reading chain of Gold. And i didnt get shit. I maybe read 100 pages before i decided that i needed context. I went on goggle and searched the best ways to read cassandra clare books in order and they said that Series wise is best. So i started City of bones (worse mistake of my life)

It was on yt so i started with it first. I already knew before starting that jace and clary werent related and incest might come up. (I didnt know it was that levels of fucked in the books) i just saw a pinterest meme where it was said rather jokingly.

Anyway i finished the whole part one and two of The mortal instruments. I read it for Malec bc they were the only gay characters. I have 101 problems with this series but my most major one was Malec. So at this point in my life i was a closeted trans, (multispec) queer kid Something about reading Queer characters tell each other horrible things about bejng closted and bisexual made me hate myself more. Malec didnt not develope my internalized homophobia, it definately fueled it tho. After my birthday i got grounded (my parents found out the queer content i was engaging with. It was very traumatic. I came out to them and my dad to my face said that i am not queer, instead i am fetishizing queerness and i was engaging in perversion.)

Alot happend many times my parents tried to distance me from queer culture and media but gave up.

As 7th grade ended me and bunny reconnected (shit also happend when my mother read our chats)

Around 8th grade i cried and begged to my mother that i am not going to change and all that jazz, she didnt say anything. But she became more on gaurd, she would analyze my interactions with other girls differently (one time while riding in her scooty, i was in the back said and waved to a girl that was starting at me for some reason) my mother told my dad that shes afraid im flirting with girls AS IM ON THE SCOOTER WITH HER-

In class 8 bunny pulled some shit (i explained it in another post i think) also i finally watched the shadowhunter series show malec healed the wounds that book malec anf my parents left. I was for the most part okay i think (academic studies were my biggest problem)

In class 9 around second half of the year i joined tumblr (helped my mental health immense, finding other gay ppl) and i asked for a book from my step mother (it was a bangla book about a trans girl) my dad delivered it to me. And said that he got that i wasnt going to change (BC LORD KNOWS THEY TRIED) he told me to study well so i could go live abroad bc this country will have me dead. I agreed and took the book (i couldnt finish the book, it was too dark for me at times, i gave the book to bunny).

Bunny and my relationship is vented about in another post. I wont get it.

So my problem with cassandra clare happens for three major personal reasons, one of them i didnt even mention bc i still feel weird about it.

1. The Malec part.

2. The incest part : reading TMI made me relive that first part where i engaged with incestuous content. And just disturbed me to my core this time around EVENTHOUGH I HAD A MILD HEADS UP i didnt know the extent of its fuckery. I dont know why but it just turnt the disgust at incest meter up the roof. Like completely fucked my brain and i wasnt okay. (I was 13/14 my birthday fell in the middle)

3. The sexual assault of Aline.

(Tw: my SA)

As a child (9/10 yrs old) i was assulted in an crowded elevator, my dad was in the elevator, i didnt not see the assulters face. I just remember being sqished against the wall, with a mans hand jammed between my legs. I rember trying to flatten myself against the wall to get away from the hand but it woulnt stop. The hand was knuckles deep between my thighs. I didnt see the mans face. I dont rememeber what he looked like from the back. After we got out i told my dad. He barely reacted and said 'people are assholes'. I told my mother about it.... Earlier This year. I thought if i had told her, she wouldnt let me hang out with dad anymore. He was so nonchalant about it that i thought i was over reacting.

Reading the Aline SA scene fucked me up. It was the first time i had come across an SA scene in a book, before that it was lightly mentioned. In the Aline scene, my mind visualised the whole thing. And it nearly drove me to a panic attack. I was 13 at this point. And in the books it was never brought up again, like it was no big deal. Like it was normal. It was for shock value. And i fell for it.

And the rest of the tsc is still bad writing and i hated it. But tmi fucked right up mentally and yeah. I have other posts explaining my journey with it, under the tag auru's tsc rant. Those explain it better.

[dropintomanga]

October 2024 - An Amazing Month for Manga

Hey everyone, I've been out and about this whole month because of manga-related events.

I got a chance to check out Kodansha House, the pop-up experience that was in my home of NYC. And it was everything I hoped for. There was a lot of display of art from series like Akira, Initial D, Attack on Titan, Vinland Saga, Witch Hat Atelier, The Flowers of Evil, and Blue Period.

Not only that, there were goodies on sale, a bubble tea pop-up, 2 Initial D: Arcade Stage cabinets, a manga library full of Kodansha titles to read, and a 2nd floor for events with free concessions.

I got a chance to watch the Blue Lock: Episode Nagi movie to celebrate the launch of the manga spinoff in the U.S.. It's a nice change of perspective and it definitely pleased fans of Reo Mikage x Seishiro Nagi. The English voice for Yoichi Isagi, Ricco Fajardo, was also in attendance and did a Q&A about what he loves about Blue Lock and voice acting in general.

Before New York Comic-Con happened, I went to the Anitomo Manga Matsuri at the 53rd Street New York Public library and attended a manga publishers panel. Representatives from Viz Media, Yen Press, Square Enix and Kodansha all recommended titles worth reading in shonen, shojo, LGBT+, horror, series with anime tie-ins, and Spring 2025 picks. There's a lot of titles worth reading and I can't name all of them here. But popular titles like The Summer Hikaru Died, The Guy She Was Interested In Wasn't Really a Guy at All, Kagurabachi, Frieren: Beyond Journey's End, Blue Lock: Episode Nagi, The Apothecary Diaries, The Fragrant Flower Blooms with Dignity, and Dragon and Chameleon were featured.

There was some online commentary about The Fragrant Flower Blooms with Dignity being listed as a shojo (it's published in a shonen magazine) and someone at the panel did raise a point about a neglected manga genre that still hasn't received its great moment yet (I might get to this in a future post). All in all, I enjoyed the intimacy of this panel as there wasn't a large crowd and everyone immediately felt the energy of talking about manga with experts that know it well.

And while I didn't go to New York Comic-Con, I did hear that anime and manga was front and center still despite major comic publishers not being at the event. A lot of the buzz came from Japanese-related businesses, so it's nice to hear.

Finally, I got a chance to see Makoto Yukimura of Vinland Saga fame. What a guy. I remember when Vinland Saga was first licensed here in 2013, not many people gave it a chance. Kodansha USA representatives at the time said the manga was struggling sales-wise and were relying on buzz to get new volumes published. Then an anime adaptation finally came 14 years after the Japanese manga debut and fans finally saw how great the series was. Yukimura was very chill and hilarious. He said he strives to be like Thorfinn as best he can. I got a chance to tell him that my favorite character is Hild an I'm looking forward to seeing how Yukimura ends the manga because the endgame is not too far.

Anyway, October was fun. I hope there's more Kodansha House events in the future in other places. Other North American metropolitan areas deserve a pop-up experience like Kodansha provided. It's an intimate setting for a community of fans that continue to demand the best from manga publishing folks. Everyone looked to have a great time, whether it was riding Kaneda's famous bike to dressing up as a Titan lording over a town to playing Initial D to reading manga.

I'll say this - despite manga sales not as high as they once were during COVID, manga is here to stay. We're still in a golden age of manga here. Enjoy it while we still can!

[miikaji]

fun fact! 😌✨

my pfp is me from the loona concert last year! i was looking at my recent concert selfies and thought “damn... i do be looking cute sometimes” lol

^ LOONA + KCON 2K22 ^

i wanted to be as colorful as possible when i went to see them! this was actually my day 2 look (see day 1 below). currently, loona is honestly probs one of my ult girl groups of the 4th gen. idk how but i ended up falling in love with a LOT of their discography a little after their official debut. when i heard about their tour (and that chuu wasn’t going to be participating...) i KNEW i had to go. i didn’t want to chance not seeing my girls on their first, and possibly only, tour. i bought VIP and everything for BOTH nights i went....

^ Day 1!!! I’m actually pretty happy I took photos of the few freebies I got (because usually they get destroyed at some point in transit back home... which happened lol)

(backside)

(frontside)

ALSO!!! I met a Once before going to the venue and she gave me some freebies from when she went to Twice’s most recent concert. She only had a few but let me pick out a Momo, Jihyo and Chaeyoung pc 🥺💕

THEE ENTIRE DAY 2 LOOK!!! lol this was the only full lewk snap I got of it. YES, I did wear crocs. The crocs were on my feet when I went into the venue. I made a mistake wearing playform sneakers the day before and I learned the error of my ways. I was SOOOO much more comofrtable night 2 bc tbh I sweated a lot in line day 1 and didn’t have things to freshen up from what the sun had caused. Peep the bags of shit by my feet lol I was READY with extra deo, deo spray, body sprays, wipes, hydration items... ALLTHAT

You see that? That’s me in pure bliss. I was closer night 2 as well?? My feet were still hurting??? My body was in pain??? But Loona cured all that??

night two was the only night i had the photo, but i will literally never regret spending the money i did to have this experience... got to do hi-touch both nights! i didn’t intend on this post getting so long lol but since i’m remembering it all now i remember how lip went “your hair!” when she saw me lol. vivi and yves were like so enthusiastic too when it was my turn... it was so fast though, even though i did it 2 nights in a row, its still like a blur of how crazy pretty they are in person 😭 i thought that was gonna be the last and only time i’d see loona.... then kcon happened 👁👄👁 LOL!! Sadly, for a friend of mine, my homie who was at the con got sick with Covid and didn’t want to waste the night 2 concert ticket... SO SHE GIVES IT TO ME FOR FREE?????

^ my ass RUNNING to the floor bc WTF???

LIKE??????

^ me turning my lightstick green for NCT since I don’t own NCT merch

SPEAKING OF THAT LIGHTSTICK. I ALMOST FORGOT. Shoutout to that random attendee who just gave me batteries for my lightstick once I got to the floor? Kcon was literally at the end of the month (Loona’s concerts were on the 1st and 2nd of the month) so my batteries were def dead lol. BUT BLESS THEM!!! 😭 It was so fun. i screamed a lot.

(also also i can’t believe i was attendance for the iconic “RUN TO YEW” from stacy bskfjkfn)

^ MCR 2K22 ^

BRUH.

First off, this was my first trip to Vegas?? I might make a whole entire separate post for the Vegas pictures and tings (because I wanna document for myself). All I’ll say for this is even with my fro fro out and lazy make up, I still felt very cute seeing MCR for like the 10th time uwu

. . .

AND WITH A HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND WHO LITERALLY NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE??? WHAT???

I MISSED YOU KURT AND I HOPE IT WAS A NIGHT TO REMEMBER SHFBNHKSDBNFSJKNF

^ MM@TA 2K23 ^

OKAY THERE’S SO MUCH I COULD SAY BUT LEMME JUST SAY THIS. I GOT TO SEE THEIR SOUND CHECK?? (See Below)

Literally life changing experience omg hsnfknsjf

Currently, Meet Me @ The Altar is like THEE band for me. Their music is so good?? I knew I HAD to see them!!!!!! 🥺🥺🥺🥺 I’d write more but my brain is shutting down LOL!! I will say, I was kinda sad I couldn’t get my hair done before the show. Them braids was my b-day braids and the way my part looked like moses parted the seas once it was this concert date (mid March, bday was in Jan). So I included a pic below of this actual lewk in all its glory lol.

Bday was lit lol. Edith and I had a moment. I was UP front. TOUCHING the stage. She may or may not be my hair inspo lol

^ RICO NASTY 2K23 ^ THIS YEAR IS LITERALLY INSANE WITH THE CONCERT LINEUPS???

So lemme just say this... bc there was a lot going on for this hbfkdjs

FIRST OFF. PEEP THAT MY HAIR IS BLUE.

I had to get rid of the green and get my hair braided again. My mom mentions “oh hey children I’m getting this life changing award from my sorority and its SUPER IMPORTANT that you show up. this means SO MUCH TO ME.” so me being the OG i am i decided to get my hair done in the colors of her sorority (blue and white, I wanted to get silver but didn’t have enough for the other hair shfnksf). She goes “oh you don’t have to do the blue” and I’m just HUH???

COME TO FIND OUT.

SHE WASN’T GETTING NO AWARD.

MY DAD FINISHED SCHOOL AND HE WAS GRADUATING.

lol but it was cool i actually ended up liking the blue.

ANYWAY.

I was also very excited for this show BECAUSE of the fact that its been FOREVEEEEER since Rico went on her own solo tour!!!!!! Like I love you Rico but I can’t justify paying music festival money just to see YOU do a set for a set amount of time like no. I wanna spend hours with you. So much so... I went to TWO Rico Nasty shows 🧍🏾‍♀️

low quality pic of my messy make uwu

i WISH i was smart enough to check monster energy’s ig. this tour was sponsored by them and when i was in line, they were snapping pics of fans who would accept a free monster (i didn’t want to die so i said yes to the monster lol). rico’s folks also took pics but i have noooo idea where those are... my fit was so cute too 😭  even tho... i’m noticing i keep wearing that same damn pink crop cardigan 💀

^ rico’s reaction when we all started screaming every word to iphone 🥺💕

man.. i was out of BREATH this whole show the way I was jumping and yelling all the lyrics hsnbfksdjnf. my feet were fucking SCREAMING in pain. i felt so bad to the people who were trying to talk to me bc the way i was mentally checked out whenever there wasn’t music going hgbnksnjfd night 2 was WORSE for my feel and social battery but omfg i’d still do it all over again lol my crocs sadly could not save me either show

^ TWICE 2K23 ^

FIRST OFF.

THANK YOU TO MY FRIEND TRIN.

FOR LITERALLY BUYING ME A TICKET TO SEE TWICE THE DAY BEFORE THE SHOW???? 😭😭😭😭😭

My first time finally seeing Twice and you wanna know what I SEE the second I enter the venue?!??!?

HELLO???

LIKE?!?!?

THEY’RE INSANE FOR THIS

LOL

(also thank you for sticking with me if you got this far i by no means meant for this post to be so long hsfkjnf i wish i could have added this videos but i guess the gifs will do)

i didn’t document a lot of the freebies but i did get a LOT!! and the once i met at the loona concert was also here and gave me a LOT of pcs!! 😭💕 (ty kelsey ur like the sweetest hfbksdnf)

my view

the views of me

sadly no full fit pics but a lot of people complimented my outfit 🥺💕 next concert i’m hoping to attend is aespa bc they will be here in a few weeks and the nosebleed seats are like so cheap??? i’m going.

also

i’m seeing beyonce?? with my mom? on beyonce’s birthday for my mom’s birthday gift??? btw my hair is gonna be pink next so i can’t WAIT to see what i do for lewks for these shows uwu

[bambaooo]

2022

i doubt anyone is still on here anymore lol. shit, i barely am, i saw the las thing i posted and i dont even remember when it was lol

but yeah, 2022 was a wild ass year. alot has happened, and probably the most eventful year of my adult life thus far. 

soooo, in january was my last month of work at my job at the time. I was put in a weird position where the contract I was working for ended early and i was laid off. i feel like any other person would have been freaking out, but luckily i was still finishing up my last semester of grad school. For the first time since graduating undergrad was basically free any not working. coming from me, ive since i was in highschool I was always the type of person to want to work work work and make bread. So basically from once i could work when I was 16, i was working every chance i could get until this month. I looked at it as my opportunity to finally take somewhat of a break from working cause I know I wouldnt get an opportunity like this again. 

Although i did have hella plans for the next 6-8 months after finishing my job, i still had grad school to finish so basically from February to like Mayish I kinda just laid low and just took hella walks, worked out, and did school. i was going to sleep pretty late every night, waking up whenever and just going with the flow. there were some events scattered here and there like family parties, Allison’s cousins’ wedding in march which was fun. 

But come end of April into May, is when the real fun shit began. Went to the first of many muisical preformances. the first one was Brian McKnight which was wild. He is hella good live. and then shorly after I finished grad school.  First I finished grad school with two fucking masters degrees. One witha  4.0 and the other with a 3.9. I want to take a moment to realize how wild that is. In undergrad I legit was on academic warning and have a 1.7 gpa LOL. shit was wild. But also early on in May we went to see jame arthur in silver spring which was fun. Around mid May I went to Miami fora  day trading conference, definately a wild expereince. I learned a lot, but also met a lot of cool people. First solo trip and it was fun. A few weeks later went to my friends wedding wehre i got to catch up with other hommies and it was chill. 

Before we knew it, it was June. Something in the water was definiately something to remember, dope to see all these live performances and just be out and about. Glad to have experienced once while it was in DC for probably the only time ever. And literally a day or two after I went to trip 2 of the summer to Massachusettes for adrians weddings. First time doing a road trip like that, and it was pretty fun. Being with old friends, in a new area, just enjoying life. I was able to eat edibles, get drunk. and try lobster by itself for the first time ever and it was a good time. Stopped by in jersey on the way back and went to jersey smorgasburg and it was dope! it just kinda sucked a little while after, cause I found out i had covid a day or 2 after coming back from from the trip. but luckily it was very mild and was good to back by 4th of july. 

After a few more weeks in july, i was on my way to SoCal. 2nd a last solo trip. this trip was probably one of my favorite trips I have taken in my life to be honest. teh weather was good, was able to go to the OC fair, smorgasburg LA, and went to a reggae festival. I know the way I am with island music might seem a little weird to people, but shit, that festival was fun af. Going to concerts by yourself is fun af. Also while I was there i got to meet up with some VCU hommies and my cousin! 

After getting back home it was only a few more weeks until the last trip of the summer. Me and Allisons first trip of the year to Miami after her semester ended. It was fun too cause i didnt really go to the beach when I went in May. And I got to eat a bunch of food that I didnt get to eat the first time too. Its honestly just nice to hangout and do what we normally do, but in a different environment. 

A few weeks afterr we did a little trip to RVA/charlottesville. Allsion got us tickets for WIcked and it was dope. We were able to explore around richmond, and I got to show allsion on my favorite places to eat in rva. 

During this whole last few months from July to septermber I was consistently apply for jobs, going through interviews be lowkey being stressed about job searching. I was stressed, but not that stressed cause I knew id get a bite eventually but not knowing when was stressful. Luckily in september I got my first offer and was able to start my job in october. Fully remote and working in my field. 

October was a bunch of going back and forth between DC for work stuff and learning shit. November I kinda realized that I will have a lot of free time and that its gonna be alot of free time and pulled the trigger on fulfilling my lowkey dream of working in a grocery store. 

Holidays this year were very chill and nothing to crazy. Thanksgiving we bounced around between Allisons and My family. Christmas was more bouncing around MD and VA, being around familiy and enjoying ourself. It was honestly the first time in a while that Christmas felt like something worth celebrating. Also I actually reached out and caught up with friends. Like i feel like its very rare for it to happen, but getting together with my friends is something I will always enjoy. and tonight its NYE. My ass is at home, with no plans cause I got work a whole foods tomorrow and im completely okay with it. My life has been full of celerations and family and im okay with going into the new year chill. 

2022 has honestly been such a blessing. Going into the new year, many people want to exceed what they did in the previous year, but im already at the point that I am accepting that this past year was just so crazy that 2023 might just be a chill year. I remember I had a year i called teh “rebuild” in like 2017 or 2018, when it came to lifitng, but this will be a different type of rebuild, financial and health rebuild. I want to get my money right and get back lifting again.

but yeah, 2022 has been just full of blessing and i am fortunante to have been able to do the things that I have been able to do this year. Unlike 2022, I do not have any big plans for the year, and whatever happens will happen. Im excited for it, and am ready for what ever comes back at me. 

[h-pelessly]

August 22, 2023

I opened my earlier text from this month and I don't feel like it does this month justice so I will run a recap of this whole month in a new post. This month was a busy one for me because I had more social events than not. I've cancelled on plans and scheduled hang outs for next month because I feel like I'm burnt out. Which is kind of funny because I haven't read a lot (I was in a slump) and I still haven't found a new job. Obviously, the month hasn't ended so new stuff might pop up but so far, this is what have happened.

On August 2nd, I had a job interview in person with a place searching for a Receptionist/Admin Assistant in Irvine. The drive there wasn't as bad and I kind of liked the feel of the place. I feel like the interview wasn't bad and I felt like I did kind of well, but they had me role play customer service. I feel as though I choked because I was put on the spot which is the only downside of it, but I think that's what didn't land me the job because I was well dressed and I was early. I even bought a blazer for this occassion. I thought it was annoying that they made me have an in person interview if it wasn't that serious and they ended up ghosting me so that was slightly annoying. I don't regret it tho. I felt like I did decent so it's their loss tbh.

On August 9th, Tim and I attended David Alvareeezy and Hunter March's Crowd Pleasers live show in Los Angeles. It was kind of a spur of the moment thing for us. We did think about going the day before because we realized that Tim was conviently off that day. David promoted the event in previous Youtube videos but we didn't think too much of it because we're like yeah it could be fun, but we weren't going out of our way to plan it into our schedules because we didn't think it'd be too fun. Anyways, it was a spur purchase but we really enjoyed it. We arrived an hour before the event which was pretty weird for us, but there's a parking lot across the venue for $20 all day so that was kind of cool and quick. We got into line and I really had to pee, but we had an hour to waste so we were just fat chilling. I don't remember why I was annoyed at Tim, probably because he kept talking about how funny he is and how the Camboys and the group will notice him and get him on stage whatever the fuck, but I had to pee so I didn't need him to chatter my ear off. After getting our wristband, even though we didn't plan on drinking, we went inside "to the bar" because I had to pee lmao. There was an Asian guy staring at us that I was almost 99% was Vic, Jill's boyfriend, that helped us load the carpet into Tim's car, but apparently it wasn't and he was just weird. We got to our seats early because we were inside (boo yeah) and so we got really good corner seats and were probably in the center of attention. All of David's friends came which I thought was very nice and cute. I waved at Rec, Brian, and we kind of talked to Marcus. Lowkey I think our interaction with Marcus was awkward but I think he was drunk so it be like that. We also saw the SuburbTalks pod people, and VIET, he's so effing small like it was NOT what we were expecting at all. Anyway, the whole show was really fun and cool-- I expected it tbh because I do enjoy David's content. And at the end of the day, Hunter RT'ed my tweet because I was real and tagged him hahhahhahah.

August 12, I attended Christy's wedding. She apparently is related to me but I swear I have never seen her ever. I have a post about this day so I'm not gonna say anything else. Next time, I wish Tim comes with me because it was so fucking awkward. I have another wedding to attend in October so hopefully he comes thru. ALSO, they said the groom tested positive for COVID-19 and will be double masking, but mf was NOT masked at all and was diddly-daddling.

August 16, we went to Wild Rivers, a waterpark, with Fermin, Kevin, and Jaz!! I was kind of iffy about it at first because I was like yeah, going to a waterpark is fun, but like why would we go and be judged. ME ESPECIALLY because of how I get with water. And then we found out it would only be the three and us, I was like, bruh, this is going to be awkward. But I'm glad we went bc it was super fun and a much needed break. The first ride was iffy bc I had to strain my back to hold onto the handles because I was sitting next to fucking Kevipoo. But after that, the rides were fun. A lot of yt ppl were there which made it weird, but we didn't really care after we had our fun. We went onto a ride where this girl was trying to cut us in line because she claims "we were walking slow" like girl I'm sorry are we trying to have fun or are you rushing somewhere HMMM. And her bf or whatever was like "it's ok!!!!" I'm like bitch u can go in front of us fucking rude ass because you are NOT ruining my vibe rn. Anyway, she was a basic ass yt girl and when I looked at the guy, I thought he'd be at least like TALL, but mf was a basic yt nerd as well. I'm like WITH YOUR ATTITUDES AND YOU WANNA BE UGLY TOO LIKE the scale of hotness and craziness is not helping you. I kind of felt bad for judging him because he didn't do anything, but by association, the attitude is yours too and the math isn't mathing. Being in line next to them was freaking annoying as well. Then we went to the wave pool which was a pain in the ass, but I feel like we stayed there the longest. My yitties came out a few times which I knew was gonna happen. Idk why Tim was so shocked like we were HIT. Fermin let Tim and I go, and somehow, we floated all the way to the end of the pool and I, being the small ass, slipped past the rope, and the lifeguard FUCKING blew her whistle at me twice. LIKE IM TRYING TO GET OUT ITS NOT MY FAULT PEOPLE PUSHED ME. anyway, I was fucking mad and freaking out so yuh. But we had our fun at the waterpark.

August 17, Tim and I went to Universal's Studios. We arrived pretty late tbh, and didn't get to go on 2 rides that we usually go on, but it was okay. The park also was closing early.

August 19th, I was supposed to go to McKayla's birthday, but I didn't. McKayla is Julie's niece and she was turning 1. I was in the mindset of going and got up early to go, but after awhile, I'm like yeah I don't wanna drive to Irvine and interact with people. So I bailed out on that hehehhe ooopsies.

So that's my month so far. Until next time.

Books I read this month;

The Nanny by Lana Ferguson (5.5/10) I didn't like this book as much as I thought I would/Tara did. The MMC has heterochromia eyes, which make me think of Luna so it made me feel a bit weird. Also, he was VERY dirty mouthed for a father which there's nothing wrong, but the fact that his little daughter was sleeping next door while he did this gave me the ick. The OF aspect for the FMC made it confusing. Not really, but it forced the book to feel modernized and I didn't especially like that aspect. I didn't connect to the characters as much as I did for the other nanny/single dad book and I was highly disappointed. I was attached with one line to the FMC's best friend.

Disrespectfully Yours by Jennifer Chipman (5.5/10) I thought this would be an interesting read based on the name. However, the book dragged on and I wasn't attached to any of the characters. At first, it gave me the Hating Game vibes and as much as I liked the book, I didn't like how it was kind of a copy and paste situation how they have a retreat and the MMC was attached by hip to the FMC. I don't think I knew the tropes correctly because I was taken for a loop when they started a FWB thing. I didn't like it at all. I did like how the FMC was tall and not the usual damsel in distress vibe, but that's kind of it. Also, the friends of the FMC has a cute group name which I really liked. I MIGHT read one of the earlier books just because of the professor x grad student vibe, but not so sure if it will drag on like this.

Consider Me by Becka Mack (4.5/10) This book was an absolute drag. I only picked it up because people said it was a similar vibe to Garrett Graham from The Deal, which is true, but this girl had absolutely nothing. I went on Goodreads and people were annoyed with the book because the FMC was a pick me girl, which I agreed, knowing how hard it was to read and how I disliked her. I don't know like she had no original personality like the FMC from The Deal. Yeah, the MCC was a golden retriever and all, but like he had no personality rather than make her happy. I mean, good for her and all but that shit's BORING. Give me SOMETHING. Although this book was the absolute drag through the mud, I kind of liked one of the side characters that was in the book. He also has a story, and the FMC of that book has a spicy personality so I might bite.

So Not Meant to Be by Meghan Quinn (8/10) Tara said it was too early for a reread, but it is what it is. I read it while reading Consider Me so it was a nice pallet cleanser. However, reading it a second time, I realized how annoying the FMC is, which is why the rating decreased. I still like certain parts aka JP CANE, but the FMC is so fucking annoying and keeps comparing herself for no reason. Like love yourself a lil.

Reverse Pass by Maggie Rawdon (7.8/10) This was such a cute idea. It was a pallet cleanser from Consider Me. It was short and simple. I enjoyed how much the MMC was considered a player hence why he's a sport player, hehhehe, but he was such a simp for his childhood crush, sister's best friend. He was such an innocent puppy for her that it was cute. The FMC was okay the whole book just towards the climax, she got annoying as she was stringing everyone along by not telling the truth of everything that has happened to people in her life. Other than that, I'm glad I picked up this short read. And the spice was such a fun idea to try hehhehehohoho.

The Score by Elle Kennedy (7.3/10) This took me longer to finish it than The Deal, but it was a cute little rom-com read. I loved the main characters together but didn't have the affection I had towards them like GARRETT GRAHAMS. We loved a reformed playboy book and this was exactly it. It made me cry, but that's pretty much because of the situation I was in when reading it. I did like the MMC's way of life which is a good thing to carry into real life, but also, we can't afford to make mistakes like pretty rich boy from Connecticut. I do not like how standalones connect because the FMC was best friends with the FMC of the Deal, but I guess that is what's supposed to happen. I like how in Breaker Cane's book, the FMC was HIS best friend and slowly comes around to the other FMCs of other books. This one is like stays in the group which was eh, but I liked the vibe of this book. Also, Tim bought me the physical copy so I was reading off that hehhehhohoh. They didn't really have a bad breakup scene or anything and I felt as if it was difficult for the author to end the story if that made any sense. Overall, a cute quick read which I need.

The Sacrifice by Shantel Tessier (4.8/10) I took a chance on dark romance and absolutely hated it. I wanted to give it a 4.5, but I gave Consider Me a 4.5, and this was not on the same level. Granted, I skipped through a lot of the text because I truly didn't enjoy it, but the ending had a twist to it like a thriller/mystery that kept me going. I told Tara about how bad it was because it was too unnecessarily spicy and dark, and she recommended me to DNF, but my go-getter attitude would not let me DNF so I toughed it out. I'm glad I did because I found out the ending and the story kind of made sense at the end. I hated how much the FMC cried-- it was like a wattpad story of damsel in distress with lots of sex. Bruh.

Random Encounter by Allyson Lindt (6.5/10) I took a chance on listening to audiobooks and explored a new trope, reverse harem, which honestly I didn't even know what it meant. But this book is written by an indie author, which I loved. The idea of having multiple partners sounds fun, but also it was too much for me. I'm surprised an indie author wrote this book because it wasn't at all bad, and the idea was new-- maybe it's because it's a new idea to me, but I didn't dislike it. I found myself into it and learning new things along with the FMC. I was a bit confused at parts, and the problem causing the 3 to break up was absolutely the most childish thing to complain about, but I get it. It makes a little bit of sense, but I wish it wasn't the problem that divided the 3 because they're grown ups. Overall, I will do more audiobooks.

[thegeminisage]

birthday meta for the birthday boy <3

[this version of the meta is behind a cut. if you’d prefer the no-cut version, it’s here.]

a fun little fanon from Ye Olde Days of spn (when seasons 1-5 were airing) was that sam always had the absolute worst birthdays. a big part of this is because sam’s birthday is in may. supernatural tends to align itself with “real time,” meaning that they like to use either the date the episode was filmed or the date it aired as the in-universe date, even when two canon dates conflict each other. (they’re so intent on doing this that they pretended the gap years between s5 & s6 and s7 & s8 right out of existence - season openers also usually tend to pick up right after season finales in-universe but still somehow be set several months later.) that means sam’s birthday tends to line up with the airdates on either season finales or episodes right before the finales, which means that every time sam gets a year old, shit hits the fan. 

here’s a list of things that did happen or could have happened on some of sam's birthdays:

0-22: we don’t have much in the way as far as concrete dates go for preseries stuff, but it’s perfectly possible sam walked out all that bullshit the day he turned 18, even if i prefer to think he left at age 19 as that aligns rather tragically with some adam-related canon.

23: we don’t have any dates for the end of s1/opening of s2 either, but it’s likely that sam’s birthday took place between 1.20 (dead man’s blood) and 2.01 (in my time of dying). he could have been doing anything from hunting vampires to saving one of YED’s special children to almost shooting his possessed father to getting hit by a semi to using a ouija board to talk to his not-quite-dead brother.

24: here’s where the real fun starts >:) sam died in cold oak in 2.21 (all breaks loose pt 1) and in the episode he says he’s 23. but according to the lore (extra-canonical material), dean made the deal to bring him back on his 24th birthday...

25: ...which means that on his 25th birthday, he was forced to watch dean get dragged to hell...

25b: ...except that sam had TWO 25th birthdays, because mystery spot took place in february, and sam lived in an alternate timeline where dean stayed dead for 6 months, putting him well past may 2nd. which meant that the first time he turned 25, he was actually getting tortured by gabriel. while his brother was getting tortured (or torturing someone else) in hell.

26: 4.20 (the rapture) took place in very late april/very early may (the wiki says may 3, but that’s just a guess), and 4.21 (when the levee breaks) picks up immediately where it left off. so it’s not only plausible but EXTREMELY LIKELY that sam was locked up in the panic room suffering withdrawals when he turned 26, dude

26b: ...except that in 11.17 (safe house), bobby and rufus’s half of the episode presumably takes place at the same time during season 4, and he mentions sam and dean are in reno?? so you know they could have been doing that instead.

27: we have no hard and fast dates for the end of season 5, but it’s my personal headcanon that sam’s birthday took place during 5.22 (swan song), and he beat the devil and leapt into hell on the day he turned 27 - because at this point, why not. however, his birthday could also have taken place during either 5.20 (the devil you know) or 5.21 (two minutes to midnight), meaning he was reconfronting his old college pal who turned out to be a demon brady, or helping bobby and a human cas destroy the factory with the croatoan virus.

28: there’s a gap year between s5 and s6, so sam’s 28th birthday took place while he was soulless, hunting with the campbell family...

28b: ...except spn likes to say “a year passed” without adding one to the calendar, so sam ALSO had a 28th birthday during the airing of s6. there’s some conflicting information about s6′s timeline, so this could have happened anywhere from 6.18 (frontierland) to 6.21 (let it bleed). sam could have been doing anything from time traveling to fighting eve to grappling with cas going dark side to rescuing lisa and ben.

29: sam’s 29th birthday almost definitely took place during 7.20 (the girl with the dungeons and dragons tattoo), during which he met charlie. in case you’ve forgotten, that was actually a great day for him - in a moment of true little brother antics and justifiable homophobia, he got to laugh at dean gay flirting with the security guard.

30: there was another gap year between s7 and s8, which means that sam spent the big three-oh with amelia richardson while dean and cas were in purgatory. he got to have a picnic!

30b: ...but since spn ignores gap years, sam ALSO had a 30th birthday during s8 (a big season for him). there isn’t an exact date for the episodes leading up to the finale, which takes place in late may, after sam’s birthday, so his birthday could have taken place in either 8.21 (the great escapist), where he nearly died of his trial-induced fever and confessed to dean that he always felt unclean, or during 8.22 (clip show), where he met sarah blake again after nearly a decade, only to have her die right in front of him.

31: the s9 timeline is pretty vague, but the best guess for this one is 9.18 (meta fiction), in which sam finally gets to confront gadreel, the angel who possessed him and killed kevin with his hands

32: the s10 timeline is also short on dates, so sam’s birthday could have taken place anywhere between 10.16 (paint it black) and 10.21 (dark dynasty). a few possible things sam could have been doing: dealing with a hunt involving soulless people, helping cas and bobby break metatron out of heaven’s prison, catching up with charlie and giving rowena the book of the damned, battling the cursed werther house (don’t click that unless you’ve seen the episode, the twist is TOO good), reuniting claire with her mom, or building charlie’s pyre.

33: the last quarter or so of s11 happens really quickly sequentially, every episode picking up soon after the last one left off, which means that sam’s birthday either took place at the very end of the season or the beginning of s12. it’s most likely he turned 33 either the day dean saved the sun and sam himself got shot and kidnapped by toni bevell, or a few days later when he was being held captive and tortured in her basement.

34: unfortunately, sam’s 34th birthday almost definitely took place during 12.21 (there’s something about mary). i was really hoping it’d be 12.22 so he could be kicking the bmol’s asses, learning lucifer was back, and hugging mary, but no...instead he was mostly likely learning that ketch had had eileen killed. 

35: because of some weird canon, the timeline for season 13 is actually batshit insane and makes no sense whatsoever, which means sam’s birthday is really early this season - either during 13.17 (the thing) where he rescues his brother from a frisky tentacle monster or 13.18 (bring ‘em back alive) where he hangs out with gabriel and cas in the bunker. since that’s garbage, you’d be forgiven for ignoring canon and pretending sam’s birthday fell on one of the following episodes - 13.19 (funeralia) is very touching, as he and rowena clash and then make up with each other; 13.21 (beat the devil) has sam capturing lucifer, then dying and getting revived and captured by him; 13.22 has sam getting a little revenge by leaving lucifer for dead; 13.23, of course, has lucifer finally dying for good.

36: there’s no dates whatsoever on the back half of s14, so theoretically sam’s birthday could take place in any episode after 14.13 (lebanon). the likeliest and COOLEST candidate is for sam to turn 36 during 14.20, in which he shoots god himself point blank. other admittedly inferior  scenarios include his stint as justin the 50s househusband, mary���s death, or putting jack in the ma’lak box.

37: we saw this birthday happen onscreen during 15.14 (last holiday) at a party thrown by mrs. butters. unfortunately, not too long after that, she wound up torturing him by pulling out his fingernails.

38: that’s this year! because the timeline of s15 is also so weird and vague, partially fucked up by covid changing the shooting/airing times, and because sam’s birthday is SO early in s15, it’s possible that he has another one this season, right at the end, or maybe post-canon, which means............................................

...................................................that he’s spending it with dean and jack and the newly revived eileen and cas, in the bunker or somewhere else he feels safe and loved :)

happy birthday, sam winchester <3 after all the unhappy ones...u deserve it

[spn masterpost]

[ibroughtyoumybullets]

You said not to ask so please ignore this if you don't want to explain, but could you elaborate on your March 19th / May 1st theory? thanks!

ahfkafhksfh yeah no problem. its not a theory its just ... brain worms that have taken a specific shape but thats not new this is just the latest form. under a cut because i hate like. getting peoples hopes up over something ive entirely made up

greentext format but make it wordy

> i think frank has been like. suspicious lately. i dont know how to explain it beyond that. he’s done a LOT of press-but-not-press in the last month or so. sure, he’s definitely bored and stuck in his house like the rest of us, and he had a new EP come out, and the EP is technically the reason for the press. but it also ... isnt. like the bulk of it has been AFTER the EP came out, and none of it has been wholly focused on the EP. and to me, at least, it feels like, i dont know, easing the band back into public consciousness thru a press circuit without the band ACTUALLY doing a press circuit because MCR been pretty hard and fast about the ‘we dont need or want ur press’ when it comes to the reunion. 

> continuing off the last one, in the ... jim ward interview he did, i think? one of the more recent ones, at least - he got asked about his writing process and mentioned working with gerard in present tense. very very likely it meant nothing at all, but also like ... i dont trust him LOL part of me thinks it was on purpose. Im just suspicious of him after the broken clock thing. 

> not only did frank mention working with gerard in the present tense, for Months now, but especially during his recent mini press tour, frank has been really vague but consistent in talking about working with people on music remotely. id have to go looking for it and i dont feel like it, but it’s been something along the lines of ‘working with new people And people you know’. suspitcheous. 

> ONTO GERARD. Gerard like never uses social media. but then a couple days ago he pops up to mention franks EP (which is sweet) and makes sure to sign it so its like, obviously not something his social media manager wrote up for him. and in that post he mentions being down in the lab. and LORD KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS besides the fact that he’s working on something. but hey, its gerard, when isnt he. 

> But Gerard’s also doing that charity stream on the 2nd. and we havent seen gerard in MONTHS. since august, maybe? and he’s not just speaking, hes PERFORMING. besides the shrine show, the last time he performed was for the muppet charity thing with ray in 2016, and before that, it was the last hes alien leg in 2015. None of us even expected him to perform when it got announced - it had to be confirmed by the event organizers. and that just ... pings something in my brain, same as franks little press tour. It’s gerard emerging from his cave, Being A Musician, you know? 

> SPEAKING of the last time we saw gerard, he teased us back in the summer by mentioning that he has something he’s been working on thats not comic book related that he cant talk about. maybe its a fucking line of hot sauces or a tripp collaboration. 

> Or maybe its music. 

> this is where we depart from reality a little bit more: 

> this has been trotted out again and again on here as a talking point, and i dither between agreeing with it or not, but: MCR spent two years planning their return. they had a plan, for whatever the fuck was supposed to happen - even if all that was supposed to happen was the tour. 

> and their plan got pissed on, doused in gasoline, set on fire, extinguished, and thrown into the mouth of a lion. But They Had A Plan. And theyve been fucking radio silent except the hipdot collab, and before that, rescheduling shows. I ASSUME their almost-year of silence has been them, in part, reformulating their plan. Changing whatever it was going to be to fit the new timeline, or making a back up plan in case things get worse. 

> But the original plan had them all free - as far as we know - after november of 2020. so they wouldnt have had active MCR stuff happening for the national anthem comic book release, the electric century album + comic release, the you look like death tua comic release. But those things still happened, because they didnt require having to be in the real world where the plague is. 

> so, what the worms hinge on, is that whatever the New Plan Is, Whatever They Are Doing Now, it involves waiting until all their obligations and projects that SHOULDNT have interfered with MCR stuff - but had to the potential to because of covid - ended. 

> and thats now. thats the next couple weeks. you look like death just finished up, mikeys album and comic are out, and national anthem finishes up in like a week in a half. 

> and then theres nothing (that we know of) until the rescheduled shows happen, or *knocks thrice on wood* they have to reschedule again. 

> and this is where we really enter crazy town:

> so i was thinking about all of these things, and the imagery / themeing for the return (what little we got of it) and how a year ago everybody was pulling out the wheel of the year trying to figure out what they would do next, and when. 

> and March 20th (i know i said march 19th originally, i’ll get into that) is Ostara. 

> if youre not vaguely witchy, its basically a festival for the spring equinox. light and dark are in balance, yadda yadda yadda. and i could go into full on insane depth about the black and white aspects of the return, the witchiness of an offering + a summoning but i wont. it boils down to: its the closest festival to when all of MCR’s calendars are clear as far as we know, and its almost a year to date of when they had to reschedule the shows. 

> and March 19th is a Friday. which is new music release day. Ostara / the equinox are technically on saturday, but its at 5am on saturday morning so ... technicalities. 

> so the worms in my brain say new single on march 19th. or Something on march 19th. or 20th. one of those days. 

> and the worms in my brain also say MCR are a bunch of cruel little shits, and theyre gonna make us wait before they give us anything substantial. 

> so we move to May 1st. 

> May 1st is also known as May Day, also known as Beltane. (We’re back to the wheel of the year for this one) Its the halfway point between the spring equinox and the summer solstice. And its a Saturday. which is NOT new music release day - but hey, its close enough. 

> may day is also like, similar to halloween / samhain in that the veil is supposed to be thinner on those days, and i think theres a connection the imagery and over-all plan wise between coming back on halloween, and possibly doing something on mayday. i dont think they just came back on halloween as a birthday present to frank. 

> so second single on may day, or album? or announcement that theres gonna BE an album? maybe they wont give us a single on ostara but just tease us with something. i dont know. but i think theres something here. 

> im aware this was a lot of words and i basically gave you nothing, but i can only give you what the worms give to me. 

> sorry for being the way i am. hope this helped. 

[yeahimaloser]

Demon Love

Incubus/demon!Hawks X introvert!reader

First, I wanted to say thanks to everyone who liked my first ever post on here, don’t worry I’m still working on part 2! Thank you all so much!!

Alright, because today is in fact Halloween I decided to do an Incubus/demon Hawks. Basically, Hawks was your only real friend, but he convinces you to go out on halloween to a random party, where Hawks tells you something important…

Ok so in this story there is mention of a party and I wanted to make it clear I do NOT condone going to a party in a pandemic. Please just pretend that covid doesn’t exist in this time line ok :)

Also I did upload this earlier but something went wrong with it so im re-posting it sorry!! like I said I low key new here.

Warnings: cursing, light angst, some fluff

Enjoy! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You didn’t really like people. Not all of them, but most were just so… annoying. Most days you just wanted to roll up into a ball and watch a bunch of anime. But, you were so lonely. So, it was a battle in yourself, you didn’t want to be lonely and yet you just didn't like people.

That's when Hawks came into your life. When you came home and saw a demon laying on your couch, you freaked out. But then you two got down to talking and he told you why he was here in your home.

“Well, to be completely honest I just got bored. And well, I thought someone who was so lonely, and yet craved human affection would be the perfect person to crash with.”

And so it began, to call your friendship weird would be an understatement. 

And yet, you both found comfort in each other. You would rant to him about people that pissed you off and talked about your favorite shows.

And he would tell you about how boring he found his life, how dumb he thought other demons were.

You two were not lonely anymore, you had eachother now.

One day, you two were just mindlessly watching anime and talking, when all of a sudden Hawks paused the show and turned to you.

“Hey, I heard about this human halloween party,” he looked at you with his stunning eyes. In fact, you would argue that every part of Hawks was stunning. His beautiful blond hair, his angelic wings, and even his demonic horns.

You gave him a questioning look, “ok?”

Hawks rubbed his neck, he never really said anything about you not having a tone of human friends. If he didn’t like it he sure as hell didn’t express it to you.

In fact, you thought he preferred it. He wasn’t needed or anything, but you got the sense he did enjoy your presence. 

If he didn’t then why would he stay up till 1 a.m with you as you both watched old anime re-runs and laughed so hard about random shit. 

For once in your life you allowed yourself to feel comfort in another person. Well, maybe not a person per say. But still, you deeply enjoyed Hawkses presence, so much so you found yourself falling in love with him.

In fact, you remembered exactly when you feel for him.

You weren’t having the best day, you came home exhausted and just totally drained. 

You walked through the door and Hawks immediately picked up on the fact that something was wrong with you.

So when you sat down he asked you about it, and you just burst into tears.

That was the first time he held you, you felt so safe in his arms. The sensation was like hugging a warm fire. He just felt so warm.

After you finally calmed down a little, Hawks tried to get you to talk to him. He made terrible jokes just to get your mind off it. He even offered to cook you dinner. 

But instead you just buried your face into his chest, not wanting to leave his warm embrace. He gently stroked your back, trying to soothe you. 

After so long of knowing Hawks, you realized you didn’t really know him that well. you looked up at him and finally asked, “Hawks, why did you really come here?” 

Hawks was taken aback by your question, which was understandable since the question came out of nowhere. But he relaxed with a sigh. Maybe it was because of how long and how hard you sobbed, but he seemed to pity you a little bit. Still holding you close, he said, “well, from where I’m from I’m actually the 2nd highest ranking demon. But I don’t know,  everything moved so slow for me. I mean, I wasn’t completely lying to you when I told you about how I was bored and wanted someone to talk to. But really, I don’t know I was just kinda… drawn to you.”

He smiled down at you, making you feel right at ease…

And then you feel for the stupid demon.

“Why are you bringing this up,” you asked defensively.

Hawks just gave you that stupid smile, that stupid, heart racing, beautiful smile. “I don’t know, I just thought it would be fun.”

You gave him a questioning look. To which he proceeded to boop your nose, “really, Halloween would probably be the only time I could ever go out into the human world with you.”

The bastard had a point. But still, you got a bad feeling…

“You promise you're not up to anything?”

He put his hand to his heart, “you have me word.”

You smiled at him, “ok yeah. Maybe this’ll be fun, ohhhh what should my costume be? Wait, how will we get in? Also, how did you find out about this party?”

He just gave you a silly laugh at your questions.

But little did you know, he was planning something.

And little did you know how sorry he was for it 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You and Hawks went as demons.

Mostly because you at least wanted to be careful. But also because you two thought it would be fun.

And although it was, you did end up burning yourself with a hot glue gun trying to get the wings to look like Hawks’s. To which Hawks told you that he would finish the wings.

“You burned yourself!? Here give me that,” he snached the hot glue gun from you. Before you could tell him off he said, “demons can’t burn dummy. Now go finish up the rest of the custom. I don’t like seeing you hurt.”

That last statement made your heart race a little. 

You shook your head and tried to get back to work.

So yeah, here you two were, in a random party with people you don’t even now.

At first, you just clung to Hawks, not wanting to leave his side, too nervous to talk to anyone else. But Hawks seemed like a social butterfly with everyone around him. But you weren’t too shocked about that. The man just had a way of making everyone around him like his presence. 

But you? You just wanted to leave. The party was loud and so… so full of people.

“Come on dove, go out and meet some people.”

You looked at him quizzically, “Why would I? I have you dumby.”

And with that, you went off to get some punch and maybe some snacks.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hawks sighed, he really didn’t want to have to do this. But he knew this was the right thing, the right thing for the both of you.

As you went off to go get punch, Hawks turned around to leave.

He wanted to stay, he wanted to say goodbye, he wanted to hug you close to him one more time.

But he couldn’t. And he knew that.

But that didn’t mean he wasn't unbelievably sad to leave you.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You couldn’t find him anywhere.

And now you were panicking. 

Did something happen to him? Was he hurt? No he was a demon, and he was the 2nd highest demon. He could take care of himself.

So then what? Where was he? Did you do something wrong?

Eventually you just left. In fact, you practically sprinted home. Maybe he was at home, maybe he just got tired and forgot to tell you. Yeah, that had to be it!

Just as you rounded a corner, you heard him, “What are you doing?”

You turned towards him, and gave him a relieved look, “Oh thank God, you had me scared for a sec-”

“I asked you a question,” he said, cutting you off.

It was then when you realized his expression. He looked down right pained, like something was hurting him.

“Hawks? Are you ok? I came looking for you,” now you were getting even more concerned.

He gritted his teeth, “Yeah, well I didn’t ask you too.”

You were taken aback, Hawks had never been mean to you ever. Even when you two argued, he never got this mean. 

He continued, “Seriously, just back off ok? Go and make really friends. I don’t want to be some fake friend to you.”

“What,” the hurt in your voice seems to pain Hawks even more. “Why are you doing this? You are my friend. What are you talking about? Did I… did I do something wrong?”

Hawks clenched his fists, “No, that's not-”

“Then why?!” the hurt in your voice even surprised you, “I thought we were so close I-”

But Hawks cut you off, not with his words but with his lips. He held your head, kissing you deeply. You were shocked by just how warm his lips were. It was almost like he lost himself in your lips, so when you made a muffled sound it seemed to bring him back to reality. 

He opened his eyes and pulled away, he could see how completely shocked you were.

He took a shaky breath, “I- I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that.”

You were still shocked but managed to speak, “what the Hell... you can’t just tell me you don’t want to be friends and THEN KISS ME!” now you were screaming. “MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND,” you screamed at him.

Hawks was taken aback, but held his ground, “I don't- I don’t want you to get hurt. I-I need to leave, but I didn’t want you to be lonely again. I want you to have someone. I want you to be happy”

Your anger soon boiled down to confusion. “What,” you asked him.

“I- I’m hurting you so much just by being here,” he paused for a second, “I didn’t mean to fall in love with you, but I couldn’t help it! When I first came here, to this stupid world, It was out of per bordem. But then I found you and I guess I just fell in love! But I can’t be in love with you, it could never work. A demon and a human, please, don’t make me laugh. I would be putting you at so much risk. Ane even if we wanted to be together, I mean the odds are imposi-”

Now it was your time to kiss him. And as soon as you did? It was like he melted right into you. Holding you close to him as you combed your fingers through his hair. He hugged you closer to him as you did so. The sensation was damn near intocacting. When the two of you had stopped, you were both out of breath.

“I love you too,” you stated. Hawks looked up at you, eyes filled with shock. “And I don’t care, screw the odds, who gives a damn.” you smiled at him.

Hawks just laughed, “After my whole little speech that's what you took away from it?”

But you just smiled lovingly, “Sorry, I guess I just don’t give a damn.”

For a few seconds he didn't answer, but then he smiled, “Well if that's the case, then I’ll tell you my real name, It’s Keigo, Keigo Takami.”

You sighed, “Keigo huh,” you leaned in, your lips hovering softly over his, “I love it.” and you kissed your demon love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is this cringy?? Probably, but I enjoyed writing it so I hope you enjoyed reading It! 

Have a fun and SAFE Halloween!! <3

[nashmusings]

【Book Review】 Small Notebook Usage Techniques to Help Your Live Your Days The Way You Want, Everyone's 74 Usage Examples

If you're a weeb (odds that you are, reading this blog), you'd know that JP titles are no fucking joke. In this post, besides reviewing the book, I'll be talking about some of the take-home messages from the book and anything of interest that stuck out to me. I'll also be looking at this book through the lens of a bullet journal user.

What's the book about?

It's actually the 2nd in a series called the "Small Notebook Usage Techniques", this one collects 74 examples from other small notebook users, the first one was solely by the author sharing his usage examples and MO. This one does have a taste of the author's, Takahashi Takuya (herein Takahashi), own usage and his MO. This book was published in Late Feb of 2021, and so it's very COVID-19-centered. As with Covid, everyone was locked home and overwhelmed by the changes the pandemic wrought. And so, this book was sort of written with that in mind, to 'reclaim' back our lives through the mighty small notebook.

Why a small sized notebook?

A small canvas has its own charms and perks, one may argue that an A5 book is the way to go. With a smaller space, you don't feel pressured to finish up the entire page to avoid wastage. And it's the 'perfect' size for one 'subject'. Not to mention that it's small-enough to be forked out anywhere or on the go so that you can quickly jot things down that comes to mind. Takahashi's MO on small notebooks does share some parallels with bullet journalling, in the sense of brain dumping all that you have onto the page. Numbered pages are essential, as well as an index. Here are the spreads that are under the "Takahashi-Style" spreads.

A to-do list & idea memo that grants you the ability to observe everyday happenings

A to-do list with a reward system

A grid that allows you to see everyone's roles (for work hierarchies and the like)

A memo that grants you the ability to deepen your understanding on a particular thing

A themepark-like route for going about meetings

A personal manual (referential spread)

Whiteboard-like usage (braindumping)

Inventory list

Namecard scrapbook

Running record

Uneasiness/worry memo

Cooping memo

Emergency contact memo I'll be going through a few of these spreads which I found interesting and that I found especially useful for the small notebook format, as some of the spreads can easily be compiled in a bullet journal. The book comes with lots of visuals and sample diagrams so I'd highly recommend you pick up the book. Every spread in the Takahashi-Style makes use of a header with a date to it and have it underlined (at number 1).

A grid that allows you to see everyone's roles (for work hierarchies and the like) sample page

1. The to-do list & idea memo that grants you the ability to observe everyday happenings

The to-do list will be comprised of 1 daily page, and here you write down all your tasks for the day. The idea memo section is made so that there's as little friction as possible by using the last page of the book, you can always rotate the book vertically to get your page spread orientation right. This memo section is just a list, with the date of when the idea was written and a bullet point of what the idea entails. You can always attach the page number to the heading when you explore that idea in detail in the front section of the book.

2. A to do list with a reward system

This one is fairly straight forward. Construct a to-do list of what needs to be done in the day and then make a margin at the bottom of the page with the heading "reward" and leave a checkbox next to it. Set yourself a rule, if you've managed to complete the urgent or all tasks, get yourself that 'reward' and check it off once you receive it. The reward can be something as simple as a desert or whatever you consider rewarding.

3. A memo that grants you the ability to deepen your understanding on a particular thing

If you heard or saw about something, odds are that you don't really understand it from the getgo. Especially now in the context of the pandemic where the rules set by the government regarding infection control ever changes day by day. Takahashi recommends taking memos on such things (but of course it can be applied to any topic at hand) to deepen your understanding on the matter. So the spread starts with the heading of the desired topic and you write down notes or details of said topic. A bullet point format would be things look cleaner and easier to refer to later in time.

4. Uneasiness/worry memo

When going about our daily lives, we come across many things that induces stress in us, as well as making us uneasy or worried about. In order to sort through our murky thoughts, it's best to get it all down on paper. By making these worries visible to the eye on paper, you're able to gain a 3rd person view about the matter. In doing so, you'll be able to see the ways of resolving the issue or making sense out of it, rationalizing it. You can always use the left side of the spread to list down the issues and the right side the solutions to said issues.

5. Cooping memo

In this spread, you list the number of things or ways to help you detoxify your stress away. By listing them down ahead of time, you save your head the trouble of trying to find such information since you're going through a stressful time. It could be something as simple as getting your favourite drink or going to that special place to even ordering that favourite dish of yours. Whatever works for you, it can be in any scale.

My way of using a small notebook

"Small notebook 1"

Any of these spreads can be implemented into the bullet journal but I'm quite particular and I like having excuses to use more stationeries and hence I got myself a passport-sized Traveler's Notebook.

Index page, with the page number and it's respective heading Unfortunately due to Covid, my living conditions changed for the worse, forcing me to live with a relative who practically takes a dump on my own mental health. And thus, I use writing as means of therapy and a way to sort out my thoughts. So, I use my small notebook as a means of understanding a mental health issue, breaking it down and thinking of ways to solve it. I also use it as a space to break down my monthly finances and stick in reminders for altered budgets cause on one unfortunate month I had to spend more because of emergencies.

I just dump down my troubles and add explanations to it to gain some perspective

I'll give this book a 7.5/10. It has a LOT of sample usages from many users but quite a number of them are common spreads that you'll find in the bullet journal community and thus I personally felt that my money was partially wasted. I quite like the idea of having a notebook small enough to be easily pulled out whenever I'm out and about, so this book opened my mind quite a bit in that regard. I'd recommend this book if you're a fan of Japanese stationery and would like to see how the locals use their notebooks.

I hope this post was of help to you. The book is sadly only available in Japanese. There are ebook versions for sale as well. AmazonJP (Kindle ver available): https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/4768314570/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_dp_937X6D1FFSBBQKB0ZTAN RakutenJP (no Kobo ver available): https://books.rakuten.co.jp/rb/16607928/

[inevitably-johnlocked]

I don't know where you live and actually, it doesn't matter.. but here where i live you become a direct contact of someone if, by the day they tested positive, you saw that person once in the past 3 days (with no masks, somewhere not in the open).. plus, is safe to have a covid test after a week from meeting them, less if you start having symptoms of course.. double vax doesn't protect, unfortunately, from getting Omicron (if the second jab happened +4months ago). Stay safe, good vibes to you!

(referencing this post)

Hey Nonny!

Ah, live a couple hours from Canada's biggest hotspot for Omicron right now, so I mean... it would only be a matter of time I caught it. I haven't gotten symptoms yet, but I also have chronic bronchitis that's always worse in the dry weather of winter, so it's a matter of "is this my normal cough or covid cough?". My friend only found out their coworkers were positive literally a couple days after we hung out, so I guess that's how they caught it.

And yeah, my last vaxx was in July, and it's near-impossible to get a booster here right now, which is fucking ironic because we're the city that distributes all the boosters but literally there's a waitlist until MARCH to get a fucking booster within the city itself, because there's STILL a waitlist for 2nd doses and boosters for the vulnerable. It's stupid.

And yeah, the vaxx only prevents serious illness, which is why I got them as soon as I was eligible. It took a lot of coaxing to even convince me to spend time with anyone because I'm super neurotic about catching it (suffering a sickness alone is nightmarish), but let my guard down because I'm tired of just... shutting myself away from people. They had a test before we met up and it was negative, so who knows.

I'll go take a test probably mid-week (we got together last Wednesday) if I'm feeling a bit off, but yeah. Thank you for the good vibes, my friend! <3

[onslaughtsixdotcom]

Scaling Up Dragon Heist

Around April or May of 2019, I started to run Waterdeep: Dragon Heist, one of the official WotC 5e hardcovers. I’m still not done with it, although that is largely the fault of COVID and my own extensions to the campaign. 

I think Dragon Heist is one of the better 5e modules by WotC. I think it’s got a strong playground for the characters, and Waterdeep has 30+ years of publication history to draw on. The release of the module also heralded in a HUGE amount of third party extension content, including the famous Alexandrian Remix. I hadn’t heard of this before I started running my campaign and having ideas about how to do it, so it didn’t influence me--although I’m sure we came to a lot of similar conclusions and ideas, based on common perceptions of what the actual flaws are of the module.

Still, despite those flaws, I think they help the module rather than hinder it. It gives the DM a shitload of room to improvise and draw in the margins, rather than some other 5e adventures which feel like they can’t be fucked with in the least.

Here’s the kicker: I started my adventure at level 4. We had a pre-existing party that I had run through the classic N1: Against the Cult of the Reptile God. (Fun fact: A map that I drew is the 3rd Google Images result for that. Woah.)

The party spent a few real-world weeks traveling across about 7 days of overland travel where I ran some drop in one shots; including Mike Krahulik’s Dusk (a Twilight parody) and a really fun 2 hour diversion where the players saw an ancient blue dragon take off the roof of a church during a wedding. Then they arrived in my city: Dawnharbour.

I don’t run the Forgotten Realms. I find it not to my taste. Most of the names suck. The lore is invariably boring or weird, and not the fun kind of weird. I was going to run Dragon Heist, and I was going to put it in my own city. I gave the players some justification previously for why they would want to go there: The cleric’s sister had been kidnapped by the Cult of the Reptile God and turned into a Yuanti; a snake person. The bard had stolen a golden statue of the Reptile God and wanted to melt it down and plate his violin with it. I told the cleric that they would need a high level magic user and someone in Dawnharbour could probably help them; ditto the bard needing a highly skilled magical blacksmith. The third player didn’t really care where they went since he was on the run from his home country. So, off to Dawnharbour. They reached level 4 when they got to the city.

I won’t bore you with the rest of the details of my city or everything I changed for the campaign. Instead, I’ll talk up some hard and fast ways to make the adventure work for a higher level party. Most of them revolve around the encounters. I’m assuming the party will start around level 4 or 5.

Chapter 1

The book opens with the players in the Yawning Portal, a famous tavern with a big ass well to a megadungeon underneath. (More on this later.) They’re hanging out doing whatever when a troll and some stirges pop out of the well. The book says that the players get attacked by the stirges while the owner of the bar, a typical Forgotten Realms 15th level Fighter running a fucking bar for a living deals with the troll.

A troll is CR 5. They can handle a troll. If they can’t, you have a bigger problem.

Next up the book leads them to a Zhentarim warehouse. When they get there it’s abandoned and there are (ugh) 3 Kenku. Kenku are like tengu if they sucked. They’re bird people who can only speak in mimickry, like parrots. They can only repeat words they’ve heard before. This is stupid as fuck (especially when a player wants to be one) but more importantly, they are incredibly weak. I think the kenku are just hanging out or they got captured by the Zhentarim who left them there after they bail or something like that. Whatever.

I put the Zhentarim there instead. I put like 20 Zhentarim. I used the Spy statblock; they don’t have a lot of CR and at level 4 or 5, the players are real slice and dicey about killing them. They can basically carve through two of these dudes in a turn. It was *really* fun to just have the players mow down these mooks. They used the 2nd floor to their advantage, casting Grease on the stairs and creating a bottleneck and then picking them off with ranged attacks and spells. I think I might have given the Zhents 1hp and treated them as minions (see 4e). 

I think I had the police show up after they were all dead; someone heard the commotion and called the cops. I think I also put an NPC there; I shuffled around a bunch of the NPCs the module uses. (They got their quest to save Volo from Bigby in the Yawning Portal; instead of finding Volo here, I think they found my equivalent of Renaer Neverremember.) There was a day’s break between this and them going into the sewers in the next part.

The sewer introduces the Xanathar’s minions. I believe a Duergar is actually there and I took this as a sign--I made most of Xanathar’s mooks Duergar, and then decided--this dude is a Beholder and he has a Mindflayer for a lieutenant. The Xanathar’s forces should ALL be classic D&D dungeon monsters, like rust monsters and umber hulks and ropers. This gives you a wide variety of weird shit you can throw at your players at different CR levels, and the idea of a gangster Beholder who thinks hiring a bunch of umber hulks to go shake down a local deli is fucking hilarious. But, it doesn’t make them any less dangerous. Throw some umber hulks or something in this lair. Go nuts--the weirder, the better. Xanathar’s crew should have no qualm about hanging out with a gibbering mouther or a carrion crawler.

Chapter 2

Chapter 2 is the least developed chapter in the book. It also revolved around a bunch of Forgotten Realms faction nonsense that I wanted nothing to do with. I used this time instead to formally introduce the Xanathar, the Cassalanters and Jarlaxle. After they foiled his plans to rig a goldfish competition (think a dog show but for fish), the Xanathar became convinced the players worked for the Zhentarim and invited them to have a sit down about their intentions; if they worked for the Zhents he wanted to formally declare war. The players hated the Zhents--they killed an NPC they liked back during N1, partially to set this all up. Xanny was cool with that.

The Cassalanters were a way to introduce a new player. They call up the Blackstaff to say, hey we have a magic item, can you send a guy here to deliver it? (Magic item possession is illegal on the streets in my setting, but if someone important hires you to transport it, then you can do it. This makes being a courier a very lucrative job; lots of people are just carrying around other people’s stuff for a living.) They almost immediately knock out the new player sent to pick up the item, and replace him with their dofflegagher. The idea was that the dofflegagher player would then infiltrate the Blackstaff’s organization.

Blackstaff is no dumbass and hired a random dude off the street--my new player. Then, Blackstaff hired the rest of the party to go rescue him--mostly as a ruse to snuff out the Cassalanters and get evidence that they were shitty.

When they encountered the Cassalanters, I used a Cambion; one of their servants turned into him. This guy slowly became a recurring lieutenant; he was basically the Goldar for the Cassalanter’s Lord Zedd and Rita Repulsa. At the time, I hadn’t read any lore for Cambions; I’m not particularly concerned with monster lore the way the guys who make the game write it. I literally thumbed through my deck of monsters, saw this winged devil horn dude, and said, “Right on, he looks like he’ll work.” A Cambion is CR5, more than suitable for the encounters the party will have with him over the next few levels. The Fiendish Charm ability is fun and can really fuck with the players; I ruled, of course, that anyone under its affect would obviously be free if the Cambion was killed. Even after it was killed, he just kept on coming back, because he’s from Hell and killing him on this plane doesn’t really do anything.

As the players continue to face the Cassalanters, a go-to seems to be spined devils. This is fine but not very powerful for a level 4, 5, 6 party. Therefore I suggest supplanting it with barbed devils. They’re CR5. Adding one or two of those to an encounter with spined devils can make this a real fun encounter that isn’t too horribly overwhelming, especially if at least one of your martial characters has a magic weapon (which they fucking should; they’re level 5!)

IMO you can also introduce Jarlaxle in this chapter; a fun way is through his Zardoz Zord persona. It could simply be that Jarlaxle knows Volo (or any other NPC the players know) and wants to invite them to a free meal to get to know them. In my game, Jarlaxle operates openly as himself (I found it would just complicate things if he was someone else) and invited the players to his yacht shortly after they met the Xanathar, to formally tell them all about the Vault of Dragons, the Stone, and how everyone they have met in the city is after it.

Chapter 3

I am not the biggest fan of this part of the module. I think nimblewrights and similar creatures are really dumb and don’t fit my D&D world. A lot of the stuff in this chapter is investigation stuff, and you can play that out however you like. It doesn’t drastically need scaling up, though you may have to account for something like Zone of Truth that they might not normally have access to. It also helps if you do the opposite of the book, and make the police a bunch of shitheads who don’t care about the city--this way the players are actually motivated to help. I’ve seen a LOT of posts that open with “the fireball happened and my players shrugged and said they would let the police handle it.” Horrible! The police should either be incompetent, apathetic, or (best case) both. They don’t care who did this and if they did, they wouldn’t be able to catch them. Now it’s completely on the players.

IMO it also helps if you do the leg work to make the NPC someone they actually care about. In the book it’s an NPC they’ve never met but they have a mutual acquaintance through--it would be nice if they get invited to a dinner with this NPC or something similar prior to this. Or, change it to be any NPC they like who you don’t mind killing. Hell, they’re level 5 or 6 at this point--if they got a cleric, they can even cast Revivify and wake the dude up. They could even cast Speak With Dead and immediately find out who blew him up or what he was doing here!

Moving on, there’s the Gralland Villa. I retooled the name to actually sound like a good name; sue me. 

The book has a bunch of Zhents hanging out here. A simple way to make this dramatic and hard is to pull the trigger and make the players fight their way in. The stone is right here at the villa and they need to steal it. Sounds simple enough.

Things got complicated for my party when a recurring NPC appeared. She was an ex girlfriend of the bard in our party; they were both Tieflings. She now worked for the Zhentarim and was basically their second in command. And she was here to steal the stone, come Hell or high water. The bard, still in love with her, was perfectly content to let her steal it and even cover her getaway. The rest of the players, not so much, but when the chaos was ensuing and she was literally running past them with the stone in hand, made the decision that it was smarter to try and help her escape and then figure out how to get the stone from her later, than try and get it from her now.

This led literally directly to chapter 4.

Chapter 4

By now it’s obvious: I used all 4 bad guys.

I ran through the chapter and picked the coolest maps and best encounter ideas, including the rooftop chase, the theater, the sewer and the courthouse. I weaved them together carefully, and all the changes I had made to the groups paid off when they entered the theater, chased by barbed devils and our Cambion friend, only to have an Umber Hulk with the Xanathar’s logo painted on his face crash through the stage, flanked by two Duergar. Add in some Drow gunslingers and it was a fucking party.

(the large hexagon is where somebody cast Darkness; the big scuffed circle is a grody spot on my grid tiles. I still need new ones...)

The courthouse had a great scene where the Cassalanter dofflegagher impersonated the chief of police, interrogating the players for the code word to activate the stone (I added one; who cares?) until the real chief of police showed up! The players had to do an entire encounter with this guy while handcuffed; thank god for verbal only spells, right? 

From here the stone ended up with the players, and then it ended up with Jarlaxle who they are working for. Jarlaxle attuned to it and told them the Vault of Dragons is inside Undermountain; 3, 5 levels deep? Who knows? And it requires 3 keys: The Crown of Asmodeus, the Ring of Winter, and the Robe of the Archmagi.

I gave these 3 magic items to the Cassalanters, the Xanathar and Manshoon. This is a pretty common hack and it means the lairs in the book actually get used. I made up one of the magic items (Crown of Asmodeus) and stole another from a module I don’t intend to run as written (the Ring of Winter is, I believe, in either Tomb of Annihilation or Storm King’s Thunder). They’re fun!

So the rest of the campaign has been the players bouncing between going deep into Undermountain, the megadungeon underneath the Yawning Portal, and going to the 3 different villain factions to steal their shit. 

The villain lairs are NOT statted for level 5 players AT ALL. The players have no hope of actually killing ANY of the villains at level 5; to fight the Xanathar is a pure TPK at level 5. But at level 8, like where my players are now? One of them died and then got Revivified; the others all survived or made their saves when they were hit by death or disintegration. (In the spirit of the Xanathar, I rolled every eye beam randomly, rerolling if I had used that ray in the last round.) That’s about the best you can hope for with a Beholder IMO! 

The rest of the lairs you can mostly run as-is. Any very low CR mooks, basically anything lower than 1 or 2 CR, I would probably replace with a higher CR variant. We’ve already discussed what you can replace them with above, and if you’ve made it this far into the module, you should have a pretty good sense of what your players can handle.

[lovesaadiqa]

BBL Costs, Prep + Recovery

Im booked!!  I talked to a few friends who I know either got this surgery or is getting this done.  I wanted one since forever but I wanted my teeth done first.  The deciding factor came down to my birthday plans.  

Originally I was going to do a birthday tour.  First weekend of October in Miami for carnival, 2nd weekend in Atl for Freak Nik, 3rd weekend in Bahamas and finally Nola for the finale.  Well Nola was just hit with a storm so yeah that’s out. Once I totaled up the flights, hotels, food and spending money.. I was like hmm, I can get a fat ass and started this process.  Immediately looked into surgeon and Dr. Pena was my favorite, his bodies come out so mf snatched, he’s located in Columbia.  Columbian surgeons can take out way more fat than American doctors however, the fatality rate is stupid and ultimately the factor that made me choose an American doctor.  

The next step was choosing the surgeon for the body I have and the one I want.  I weigh 151 and im 5′6″ I’m considered a “skinny bbl”.  I started researching doctors in Atlanta (so I could recover at home) and Miami (like duh).  I chose to go with Dr. Desouza in Miami with CG Cosmetics for a few reasons.  First, I love the look of his skinny bbl’s on other women with the same body type, weight and height as me.  Secondly, he was having a special for the end of the year (lipo 360, bbl, jplasma for $6500 for the surgeon I wanted) this almost sold me but it was the surgery date!!  Jplasma is skin tightening procedure to help with loose skin, you can only get this with lipo.  When they perform lipo they created canals under your skin to remove the fat.. well those same canals are essential when getting Jplasma.

Ok so I decided on the surgeon, contacted the cosmetic group and had a consultation which is pretty much just front, side and back view pictures.. I think they use this to make sure you don’t need a tummy tuck prior to surgery.  They also asked me questions about previous surgeries and if i’ve ever had anesthesia.  The next step went pretty quickly, we talked about what would be lipo’d (abs, waist, back.. I wanted inner thighs, an additional 2k, but was advised to wait on my pre-op to decide), when I wanted to book and how I'd pay.  My consult was on August 30th.. I bitched up when she attempted to take my payment.  I am a money hoarder and spending that much money made me feel like I was being financially irresponsible.  I called one of my Aunt’s who I felt wouldn’t judge me and also give me sound advise.  We talked about my fears, why I was getting the procedure and of course money.  My Aunt gave me excellent advice, reassured me and is a professional CNA who offered to accompany me so yeah I dare not turn that down, lol.  August 31, 2021, I called my coordinator (the contact between me and my surgeon) and told her I wanted to book, she asked me when I’d be ready and I requested first available which was 9/20/21!! Excited is an understatement.. I'd be 24 days post op on my birthday.  After I calmed down I paid in full for multiple reasons:  had to in order to secure the date, all surgeries book in this year had to be paid in full, it was the only way to get the discount.. My coordinator gave me so much information I couldn’t see straight (I was also high as shit off life thinking about a fat ass and me in the same sentence).. she emailed + texted everything, congratulated me and we hung up.

I get the emails:  “raise you hemoglobin with these vitamins” I purchased vitamin C $2, folic acid $2, iron $3 and floradix $35 - amazon, I take them as directed on the bottle and start eating my ass off (just to give my surgeon more to work with, lol).  Talking to one of my gf’s I realize I have to be cleared for surgery?!?!  What?  I open my email and sure enough I have to have blood work done 15-20 prior to surgery, it was 9/3 and a Friday.. SHIT!! I fly over to an Piedmont Wellstreet urgent care facility as recommended by my friend (she started this process as well so I was crazy grateful for her experience and that she shared it with me).  Urgent care was full but opened the next day, my ass was in that line at 7:32 am, I was the 13th person in line and they opened at 8.  I get to the desk and my appointment is at 10:30 and I'd have to pay the office visit fee to be seen, it was $155.  I came back at my allotted time and was told how much all of my labs would be.. $302.  My labs were to be processed and faxed to my surgeon by 9/9 because Labor Day weekend so.. yeah.  

I discuss accommodations with my Aunt and realize it’s cheaper, safer and more beneficial for me to go to a recovery house.  I search high and low baby and most of them were booked.. found one regardless with lymphatic massages included called Flawless Recovery House.  This wasn’t my 1st-6th option but the one with availability on my surgery date so I paid a deposit to hold onto my spot.  Total was $1312 for 5 days with 5 massages, I paid a $200 deposit.  Next, I booked my flight, round trip $116 with Delta.  My surgery date is on a Monday, I have to have my pre-op done on the Saturday prior so I booked a hostel from the 18th-20th on booking.com for $66.  I know I could have gotten an airbnb or hotel room but I wanted this experience.  I want to go to Amsterdam and stay in a hostel so I need to know what to expect.  Also I cannot party, smoke, drink or eat before surgery so fuck it.. a hostel will do, lol. 

I smoke big fucking weed and watched someone else’s bbl journey today and realize if I fail the drug test, my surgery will be cancelled and it’ll cost me $1500 to reschedule.  Boy the shit sent me into panic mode like I've never experienced before, only to find out the weed isn’t the issue nicotine is, it slows down your heart rate.  I can smoke weed just not out of a wood or a rillo and nicotine takes 3-4 days to get out of your system so a bitch barely made it.  I just won't be smoking until I get back home lol.  Just to be super informative no alcohol, diabetic meds, cocaine, pcp or anything that will fool with your heart or makes your bleed.  Today is 9/11 and im one week out from my pre-op... my body is a joke cause I haven’t gained a single pound and normally it’s nothing for me to put on weight.  I took my acrylics off, when you’re put to sleep they monitor your oxygen levels with those clamps they put on your fingers and they aren't the most accurate when you have on dark polish or acrylics.  I also cannot wear lashes cause when they go to fill this ass in I'll be laying flat on my face.  I mean my hair didn’t have requirements but I figure since im naked I might as well be bald.. y'all should see me rn, I look very much like a young man but im hype.  I’ll be back later to tell y'all what I pack and purchase prior to my flight.  Imma put the dates at the end of each update.. today is 9/11/21

My surgery group send me list of supplies  that I would need and the cost came to roughly $1100.  Naive me was definitely going to purchase everything on the list from them until I saw Leslie’s (@prettyhaute - on ig) bbl vlog.  I went on amazon and got away with murder.  Below I’ll list what I purchased and the price I paid versus what the surgery center was quoting me.

Faja - I paid $74.69 - Quoted $160.50 || BBL Pillow - $26.99 - Qouted $42.80 || Arnica pills - $8.95 - Quoted $37.45 || Compression socks - $13.99 for 3 - Quoted $10.70 for 1 || Foams - $17.99 for 3 - Quoted $64.20 for 3 || Scar Cream  $$29.82 - Quoted $80.25 || Arnica Gel - $7.92 - Quoted $21.40 || 

There a shit ton of items on the suggested list that I didn't purchase but way more items that wasn’t on the list I still need for instance:

Crocs, benadryll, robe, adult diapers, straws, earplugs, liquid iv, stool softener, antiseptic body wash, avocado float, back board, urinal, pineapple juice, throat calm, 3 moo-moo’s and a massage roller (the crocs are the only thing on this list that cost more than $20).  My flight is at 7:15a tomorrow and im so damn nervous but excited.  I will spend Saturday and Sunday gallivanting around Miami and then body , ody, ody, ody, ody, ody.  I still have to send my entire itinerary to my aunt but I think im all set.  9/17/21

Pre-op was packed but I went on Saturday and was in and out in an hour.  I was charged for a covid $80, 3 post-op massages $150 and a drug test $20.  I went over my clearance paper work with a medical assistant who also took 9 before pics of me.  Keep in mind, your surgery can be cancelled or reschedule if all of you labs aren’t at the surgery center on pre-op day.  I cannot stress how important it is to take your labs with you!!!  Mine were faxed over from urgent care but I was also provided copies which I took with me.  The photos were sent directly to my surgeon to analyze before surgery.  From my knowledge, I was also to be fitted for my faja but that never happened, do NOT leave pre-op without a faja!!! I paid for 3 massages from CG totaling $150 which I regret badly.  I do NOT recommend getting massages from the surgery center.  There are 4-5 different surgeons performing surgeries on any given day and they do at minimum 4 surgeries per day, that’s at least 15-20 different girls with the same surgery and post-op date.  CG had 2 massage therapists to drain 15-20 girls.  I was drained for 9 mins, your drain massages should last at least 45 mins for maximum drainage.  I only used 1 of the 3 massages I paid for and was denied a refund.  That is a huge downside to CG once they have your money good fucking luck getting it back! Ps. Ellie was a royal fucking cunt!!!!!  She told my medical assistant that I didn’t need a faja so I was never fitted for one and woke up out of surgery with a binder on versus a faja like I should have.  I wanted to slap the shit out of her and took the charge on the chin but I wanted my surgery so I refrained.. I was put on a 12 hour fast and contacted an hour after pre-op with my surgery address and time.  My fast started at 7pm the day before surgery and my surgery time wa at 6:30a, there was a $300 for showing up to surgery late.  All I could bring to surgery was compression socks and a faja (that I didn’t have), I was instructed to bathe with dial (the orange one) before surgery to make sure my incisions weren’t infected, no lotion, perfume, deodorant, makeup, nails, lashes, no jewelry/piercing or hair products and no personals ie, purse money, wallet also you will need a companion or surgery will be cancelled.  I’ll upload all my paperwork at the end.   Surgery day arrive at the surgery center at 6:15 am how about the entire fucking staff was late!  Bitch I was outside in Miami alone with compression socks on and a moo moo, LIVID.  No one arrived until 7:10 am, baby I wanted to kill everyone but fuck it, it was go time.  I’m escorted to a room, changed into a paper gown, piss tested, my labs were reviewed again and finally my surgeon comes in!  We were in the exam room alone which was weird cause I was asshole naked but he kept it 1000% professional, he asked me what I wanted and I say “the fattest ass” he looked me dead in my eyes without a single hesitation and said “it’ll heal like a diaper”  LMAO.  I showed him areas that I wanted lipo’d to death and he marked me up, I didn’t aka e picture of my mark ups but shit was rolling by then, he walked out I put my paper gown back on and the anesthesiologist walked in.  I expressed my biggest concerns to him, I didn’t want to die and I didn’t want to wake up during surgery.  He explain why the drug test was so important because certain street drugs will have adverse effect with the anesthesia.  My anesthesiologist walked me up to the surgery room and I hopped on the table, they put massage boots on both of my feet and inserted an iv, the mask was put on my face and my heart rate went to heaven, I wanted to shit myself bro.  The anesthesiologist told me to make a tight fist, I asked what time it was, 8:08am.. I woke up to a nurse helping me into a wheelchair with a binder around my waist and I was scream crying because my entire body ached, I didn't know where I was and the anesthesia is no hoe.  I was escorted to my recovery house’s transportation van and taken to my damn bed.  

I chose Flawlesss Recovery House with Ms. Opal.  I paid a $200 deposit before 2 weeks before surgery and the balance the day I left.  I opted for a 5 day stay.  I loved it there bro and couldn’t imagine trying to recover at a hotel or air bnb!  There were nurses there 24-7, I was roomed with one other girl but the house had a total of 4 bedrooms, one of which no one occupied and the door was always shut but my room was the only room with 2 beds, the others had 3 beds.  I had a call button, it was love, the nurses came expeditiously when I rang it.  They made 3 home cooked meals per day and I don’t eat meat, they accommodated me with no hesitation.  I loved it man.  So couple hours after surgery I attempted to use the bathroom on my own and blacked out, the anesthesia is really fucking strong and took an entire day to wear off (for me), the nurses helped me pee in a cup until then.  Post op day 9/21/21, I went in to make sure I looked good, got a faja finally and received that lousy as drain.  Back to the recovery house I was able to walk finally w/o passing out and in went my foams, I also could pee by myself with the use of a urinal.  I was constipated for 2 days, first bowel movement was on post op day 2. I paid for an independent massage therapist named Tatiana, she used a ultrasound machine to massage me so I cancelled her.  When I took my faja off for my massage it was washed and dried by the time I was done, I took a shower and put my faja on with my foams.  I cancelled Tatiana because don’t let nobody use no machine on you until you are at least 2 weeks post op, hand massages only.  All the girls were getting massaged by the literal best massage therapist (in my opinion) her name is Brittany, I could cry she was EVERYTHING, I was tender but she put the painful massage theory to bed!  She taught me how to drain myself and how to open my incisions without the q-tip looking thing.  In 45 mins she drained 5 of those doggy pad things worth of fluid off of me.  I received 4 massages in 5 days.  I left on Saturday 9/25/2021 on Sunday, back in Atlanta, I received my 5th massage and that when I was told I have not one but 2 seromas.  I swear on everything I love it was because everyone wakes up from surgery with a faja on but not me (Fuck you Ellie, lil bitch) I had on a binder (its what they use for tummy tucks).  The lady who did my 1st massage in Atlanta was Bri, not gone post her ig cause she did a damn good massage but when I asked her to syringe drain me the good sis stuck this long ass needle in my seroma but could get the fluid out, cancelled her too (the massage was good asf tho but nah).  Tired and tried I bit the bullet and booked a packed with Dream Body ($455 for 5 massage, I think, don’t quote me look it up on there site and follow them on ig)  because they are the biggest name in Atlanta, Jayda Wayda goes to them.  The  most painful massage yet, yes Michelle lil ass is so strong but she will get the fluid up off you.  She made me tear up bad and no matter how much I screamed or even tried to push her off of me she understood the assignment, Michelle helped me get back into my faja after my massage and told me my faja was too big and to have it altered.  She recommended a lady on ig @siri2sir but to know me is to know I altered my shit myself.  Allow me to tell y'all, I look good asf!!!!!!! 10/4/2021 

[two-wheeled-therapy]

2021 - Let the miles begin!

8,774.  That’s how many miles I need to roll between now and July to meet my goal of 100,000 miles on my Voyager when she turns 10.  As I said in my last post; I have a plan.  And that plan is rather simple - Just Ride.  Any chance I get, I am going to ride, and ride as far as I can.  That is how on January 2, 2021, I have more miles racked up on my bike this year than I did until sometime in April of 2020. 

The weather was forecast to get up in the mid 50′s.  I called Mark and we planned a ride north to visit one of my favorite Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives places, Chaps Pit Beef; not the original, but the Franchise in Frederick, MD.  It rained all day here on the New Year’s Day, and in Maryland that rain fell as sleet, snow, freezing rain, so Mark suggested we ride south.  Mark was thinking we would ride to the Mongolian Barbecue place we like in Williamsburg, but I had other cravings, and set our sights a little further away.

I first experienced MidTown Eats in Newport News, VA several years ago when I was down there for a Task Force Meeting.  At the time it was a small hole in the wall in a strip mall.  I remembered I ordered the Chorizo Chop, which I thought was a burger made with chorizo sausage mixed in.  When it came out it was a full burger with a full sized sausage pattie on top.  Every plate that went past me bound for other tables looked heavenly, and I realized that no matter what you ordered, you were getting a great home made meal.  When I paid at the counter, I grabbed one of the business cards that were next to the register so I didn’t forget the place. Before putting it in the console of my car, I read it.  It had the name of the place on it with the owner’s name and the the titles beneath, “Owner, CEO, Head Chef, Cashier, Janitor”. My kind of place, serving my kind of food, and run by my kind of guy.

A couple of years ago I went to stop in at the strip mall and was saddened that it was closed.  At the time I didn’t realize that they were moving, but happily found that out a few months later.  Thanks to Covid, I haven’t been going down that way, so when Mark suggested we ride south, this place full of deliciousness immediately came to mind.  It’s nearly a 400 mile round trip for me to get there and back . . . While I don;t think this place has been featured on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, the next time Guy Fieri is in the area, he should check it out!  Definitely “off the Hook” and well worth it!

I called Bob and, never being one to turn down a good ride and good food, he decided to join us.  I mapped out the ride down to Mark’s and from there the ride to Mid-Town Eats.  It was 39 degrees when I got the bike out of the shed and headed towards Wawa to meet Bob.  The roads were still wet, and slick, and it was really foggy.  As I waited for Bob to get there I just happened to look up at the right time, as I saw the shadows approaching from above through the fog. As they approached they materialized; one was a seagull, but the one behind it was much bigger and much more majestic. As it passed directly over my head about 50 feet up I could see the full majesty of it’s white head and tail as it’s dark body cut through the fog.  We truly have a beautiful national symbol in the American Bald Eagle. We are lucky to have a nest nearby at the Manassas Airport and this one was out doing the morning rounds.

Once Bob showed up we realized that our proposed route to Mark’s over the back roads was a bit to risky with the fog, and the temperatures.  We knew that the twists and curves of the hills would be ripe with hidden surprises in the way of ice and other slick spots, so we went the most direct route from there (while avoiding I-95) and took Route 28S to Route 17S.  As we came to the light at 28 & 17 I knew we made the right decision as I put my left foot down and it nearly slid out from under me.  As we got closer to Mark’s, the fog burned off, and we dipped onto some back roads before getting to his place. 

Heading out, Mark led the way to get us back on 17S which we would take the whole way down.  17 Is a great road to ride this time of year.  Nice scenery, a few towns, and an easy road to ride in early January.  We pulled in just before 1:00PM, and I saw the familiar yellow Jeep of my nephew Erik.  You all may know him as “Disco” from some of my rides.  Erik had recently returned from a deployment with the Navy. Knowing he was in the general area, and knowing he was a foodie like me, I had invited him to meet us there.  It really was good seeing him again - I’m glad he is safely home.

There only was one table filled out of the 6-8 tables inside.  Our waitress brought out the menus, which were a little different than the last time I was there, paired down a bit, possibly because of Covid.  But there were more than enough choices.  I opted for the N’awlins Burger: Two blacked beef patties topped with gouda, caramelized onions and gulf shrimp, adding hush puppies as my side.  In short, I was blown away.  Mark also had the N’awlins Burger, Erik had the Smoked London Broil Rueben, and Bob went with the Philly.  We all agreed MidTown Eats was  - WELL WORTH THE TRIP!

After finishing it all off, we chatted a bit and caught up before departing.  Mark led us out and we continued down 17 to Route 60 where we headed west into Williamsburg and on up through West Point.  As we headed back towards Fredericksburg, the sun started setting.  It was a brilliant red sky to the west.  We stopped for our last gas and to put on another layer as the temperatures were dropping as darkness took over.  After Mark turned off, Bob and I pointed our bikes home, briefly jumping on I-95 to make up some time and avoid the deer on the back roads.  I pulled off to fuel up at the Wawa as Bob continued towards his home.  I didn’t see the Eagle again, but I did look up and smile as I checked. 

When I tucked the bike away I had rolled 379 miles off of that 8,774 that I need.  With a low of 39 the temps hit a high of 61 along the way,not bad for the 2nd day of January.  Only 8,395 to go!

RIDE ON!