#i saw that one whump list post and literally have not stopped thinking about it for 3 days straight

[spuddy-potat]

so i just binged 4 seasons of natsume yuujinchou and lemme tell you guys i am feeling So Normal about it. like genuinely really average. not a single deranged thought or feeling to be found here. you guys I Feel So Insanely Normal About This Anime

[susiequaz12]

Carrot Top- 10: A Lesson

Yes it’s three am. Yes I have to work in the morning. But, I wanted to get this edited and posted, and I got it posted. So woohoo! I was also really excited for this chapter, so even though it’s a tad longer than the other ones, I promise it’ll be worth it cause there’s some good stuff at the end. (I hope it’ll be worth it anyways.)

As always, if you have any questions about the world, powers, characters, or wanted to be added to the tag list, just let me know! Also general disclaimer, I did a bit of research for this. I do not know how accurate any of it is, so bear with me that this is fictional and that I have absolutely zero real medical knowledge of how things work. Thanks!

Tags: @imagination1reality0, @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi, and @thehopelessopus

CW: crushing, restraints, panic, strangulation?, unable to breathe, defiant whumpee, possessive whumper, dehumanization, broken bones.

Masterlist can be found here.

- - -

Andrew had gotten used to the shallow breaths. He’d gotten used to the sharp pains that would flare up in his chest every now and then, before dying down to a dull ache. He got used to the thought that Splice wasn’t going to come back and relieve him from this. 

 He couldn’t tell how long it had been since he was left alone. He was nearing the verge of passing out. Of succumbing to sleep and letting his chest fall, no longer struggling to breathe. 

He was so tired. His body exhausted.

But somehow he received a rush of energy as soon as he heard footsteps approaching.

“Well, I’m ready to continue. I had to go finish my dinner of course. It had gotten cold unfortunately.”

When Splice came back, Andrew almost wished that the man would have just left him alone. Then at least he’d be able to suffer in his own embarrassment and pain, instead of showing that vulnerability he clearly felt.

The man stood to the side of Andrew, just barely within his vision.

“So? Any thoughts you’d like to share?” 

Andrew clenched his teeth, and kept his mouth shut.

The man melted into a puddle again, forming another clone like before that wandered off to grab some heavier weights.

“You know, I have plans for you.” 

Andrew stared up at the sky as Splice spoke, trying to drown out his voice. He didn’t really have anywhere else he could look, but at least the clouds were nice. The sun was slowly starting to sink over the horizon, making the air slightly cool, but not enough to be chilly.

The man continued to speak. “These plans could make you something great. That could help you be something better, more powerful, something like me. But they’ll only work if you cooperate. I hope you know it is for your own good. You can’t be successful if you’re rude, and don’t do as your told.” Splice glanced over as his clone came back, with a wheelbarrow full of more rocks and weights. “Ah good, it’s back.” 

Andrew’s eyes grew wide once more as the air was forced out of him when another large rock was placed right on top of his chest. 

Splice walked up to the side of the concrete slab, Andrew tried to look at him through his peripheral vision. 

He began rearranging the rocks and the weights. Most of them had been placed directly on the center of his body, his torso, but Splice began to spread them out.

Andrew didn’t know if that was better, or worse. He could breathe a little easier, for sure,- but the added weight to his arms and legs as they were outstretched away from him seemed to just add injury to insult. 

“You know, there’s something so satisfying about this method of discipline.” Splice stated. “It’s slow.” 

“It’s not discipline, it’s torture.” Andrew groaned.

Splice ignored the comment by placing a large rock atop Andrew’s shoulder before continuing to speak.

“Did you know, that in a slow progression the human body can withstand about 400 pounds per square inch.” He glanced at his clone as he began to place more rocks up and down the boy’s legs. “What would you say we were at by this point?” He looked as if he expected his clone to answer, before responding to himself. “I’d say we’re near 300 pounds by now.” 

Splice bent down to pick up a weight at the same time as his clone, and in a tandem movement, they placed the weights on top of the boy, one on the upper and one on the lower parts of his abdomen. Andrew could literally feel his ribcage and his bones creaking underneath all of the weight. It was getting harder to breathe with each passing second as he tried to find enough release for his chest to expand as he breathed. The clone added smaller weights to the boy’s arms and legs as the man continued speaking once again. 

“With a slow progression of suffering, it lets you sit and stew with your thoughts. You have to deal with the guilt of what you did wrong, and with the thoughts of how you could do better. You’re forced to sit there and feel sorry for what you have done.” Splice moved towards where he could stand directly above Andrew, and stared directly into his face. 

“So carrot top, have you thought about things? Considered anything that you’d like to say?”

But I didn’t do anything wrong.

I shouldn’t have to apologize.

I’ve no need to feel sorry.

Despite the pain coursing through his body, the thoughts running through his brain overpowered what he knew would be the logical thing to say. But he could only think of the words of one man, when he was put in a similar situation as Andrew’s.

So despite the pain, he said it anyways.

“More weight.” 

Splice shook his head. 

“Alright then.” 

Out of the corner of his eye Andrew saw Splice heft up an object from the ground. It wasn’t a normal rock, but a cinder block. A heavy rectangle of not stone, but solid concrete. About three times the size of any previous weights that had been added so far.

“I mentioned that the body can withstand a lot of pressure when added slowly, correct? Well I can’t imagine what it would do with a sudden forty pounds thrown on top. I guess we’ll have to see hmm?” 

As he finished his words, he gripped the edges of the cinderblock in two steady hands, and then swung it over his shoulder before slamming it down into the pile of rocks and weights on top of Andrew’s chest.

There were a few things that could be heard once the cinderblock crashed down. 

First was the thud from the impact and the rattling of the rocks as they jostled around each other in the pile. 

Second, if you were close enough (like in Andrew’s case), you could hear the loud, undeniable cracking of his ribcage. It collapsed inside of him, bones and ribs folding like a paper fan, or cardboard inside of his body. 

And third, barely audible, was the most pathetic, strangled scream, followed by wheezing attempts at breath. 

His breath grated against the sides of his lungs as he tried to force the air through his body. His eyes started glazing over, losing focus and vision, while his torso screamed at him to be relieved from the pain.

The clone seemed to be moving on autopilot as it continued to add smaller weights to Andrew’s legs, and up and down his arms, but the boy could barely feel it. 

“Well, a lot harder now, is it? Reconsidering that apology now, are we?” Splice stated.

That apology. 

Andrew had forgot. 

Amidst all his defiance and struggle, he had nearly forgotten that the whole point of this was to get him to apologize. A minuscule glimmer of hope shined through as he realized that there was a way out of this. A way to breathe again, a way to sleep, a way for Splice to just stop. 

But the thing was, Andrew couldn’t. 

It wasn’t necessarily a matter of his pride and his sense of dignity, but more of a matter that he physically could not apologize.

His lungs barely moved enough to get air through so that he didn’t suffocate, but he couldn’t imagine how difficult it might to get the words to form. All he could focus on was the fact that he was literally being crushed, and that his own ribcage could kill him at any moment by puncturing those vital organs that the very ribcage was meant to protect.

And that’s when the panic set in. 

That’s when Andrew realized that he had no control over what would happen to him anymore. That he had no power to stop it, or to keep himself from dying as his own body turned against him. He’d been in a lot of terrible situations. A lot of pain, and sorrow and bad luck. But not once had he actually thought that he was going to die. 

Until now. 

If the boy already couldn’t breathe, the panic and anxiety that set in made that struggle ten times harder. 

He barely registered that he was still conscious as he heard voices. He barely registered that Splice had been speaking. 

And he barely registered that he had managed to nod his head when Splice asked him if he was sorry. 

And all at once the weight was lifted.

Together, Splice and his clone shoved the board off of Andrew. It slid from the table onto the ground with a heavy thud, all of the rocks and weights tumbling everywhere.

The sudden absence of all of the weight was almost just as painful as having the weight on him in the first place.

Andrew’s chest heaved up into the air as he automatically sucked in deep breaths, soaking in as much oxygen as he could.

And then he was greeted with the most incredible amounts of pain he had ever felt. His heart seemed to stop, his brain stopped working, his lungs screamed. Every single organ and muscle and limb and cell and inch of his body cried out with Andrew as the tears poured uncontrollably down his face.

His attempts at breaths were interrupted by hiccuped sobs, harsh groans, and whimpers of pain. His body was still in a state of panic as every part of him screamed danger. As his mind screamed that he was going to die. 

He was going to die by being crushed by a pile of rocks.

Oh gosh, how was he not dead yet?

Splice quickly registered Andrew’s fear and vulnerability as soon as Andrew felt it. His arms and legs were still tied down to the corners of the table and he laid there, spread out like a frog in an anatomy class, ready to be dissected.

The man reached over and put a hand on the side of Andrew’s face. The boy flinched and let out a sob at the touch. 

“N-no, please, don’t-” Andrew began to murmur. He couldn’t help the pleas that flew from his mouth as he tried anything to avoid any further pain. To avoid any further fear and torment. He felt desperate. He was terrified, and exhausted. Exhausted of fighting, of trying to stay strong, of trying to stay sane.

It was safe to say that Andrew broke. Figuratively, and literally.

Splice’s hand traveled down the side of the boy’s face, going to rest at the base of his neck where the collar sat. He hooked a finger around the metal ring in the center of the leather strip. 

Just that slight tug, not quite harsh enough to pull, was enough to send Andrew into another panic.

“No!” He cried breathlessly. His mouth moved, forming the words he wanted to say, but barely any sound came out of his mouth. “Please- don’t, I- I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I, can’t, I- p-please, no, I’m sorry- please-” 

Splice stood back. He kept his finger around the collar, but stood further back enough to look at the boy. He felt somehow, proud, amused, and satisfied, all at the same time.  

“Wow.” Splice stated. He was breathless. 

The boy was so incredibly vulnerable right now. Like he’d do anything for the sake of avoiding more pain. 

And even though Splice knew he needed to take him to rest and let him be healed, he wanted to take advantage of this vulnerability while he had it. The man kept one hand on the collar and the other went up and ruffled through the boy’s fiery hair. 

“Don’t worry, we’re almost done.” Splice chuckled as Andrew tried to pull away from his touch. 

He wasn’t going to have to hurt him any further, as long as Andrew cooperated. But the boy didn’t need to know that.

“You’ve done well with your manners.” Splice began to say. “You’ve apologized- good. But there’s another lesson that I want to introduce you to, while I have your attention. It’s a simple English lesson, really.”

The man’s grip tightened around Andrew’s curls, and the boy let out a sob, followed by a wheeze and a whine. 

“I’ll introduce it to you today. I expect you to know it well the next time you are asked about it. Understand?” Splice asked.

Andrew responded with a whimper.

“I need to know that you understand what I’ve taught after I’ve given you the lesson. I need you to understand, that you’re no longer your own person anymore. As far as I’m concerned, you never were. You belong to me now.” Splice turned Andrew’s face to look directly into his, forcing the boy’s eyes open. 

“I. Own. You.” 

Andrew choked back a sob, shutting his eyes tight as Splice began to teach.

“In English, there are five different W questions that can be asked. Once you are familiar with them, I expect you to answer them with the most exact accuracy. Every time. Failing to do so will result in punishment of course.”

Splice looked down at Andrew and when the boy didn’t respond, he continued.

“The first is Who- Who do you belong to? The correct answer is me. I control you now, understand?” Splice took Andrew’s silence as understanding, and continued. “Next is what. What are you?” The man’s hand moved from Andrew’s head to below his neck. He began to trace the lines around his chest, feeling where the ribs were cracked or broken. Sensing the painful breaths of each struggled attempt to get air into the broken body. “The answer to ‘what’, is a tool. An object. Something that I get to use how I see fit. Understand?” 

Andrew gasped as a finger pushed into the side of his ribs. His eyes grew wide and he let out another series of shaky sobs, finally managing to nod his head in response to Splice.

“When and Where are next, but they’re pretty simple.” Splice stated. “When, is whenever I want. For the rest of your life. Where, is here.” 

The man grabbed Andrew under the chin, forcing him to tilt his head back to look at him in the face. Andrew’s eyes had begun to droop, drifting off, unfocused. Splice slapped the side of his face a couple times less than gently.

“Stay with me now. We’re almost done.” 

It took all of the boy’s remaining energy to keep his eyes open.

 “And last, is Why. Now I especially want you to understand this one. ” The man gripped underneath the back of the boy’s head, tilting it up to look at him. 

“The answer to ‘why,’ is because you deserve it. It’s because you are worthless. You are only what I say you are, and you deserve everything that will be given to you.” He released the grip on Andrew’s head and placed his hand in the middle of his chest instead, right on top of the boy’s sternum. “Now. Do you understand?” 

Andrew’s body was wracked with pain and sobs as he cried helplessly on the concrete table. He choked on his own voice as he tried to form an answer, but all that he managed to do was squeak out a breathy yes, and nod his head. 

Thankfully, that was a good enough answer for Splice.

“Good. Now I would test you on this right now, but I want to give it time to sink in.” Splice’s hands moved to the bindings that were keeping Andrew’s arms and legs outstretched, carefully releasing them. 

The boy made a feeble attempt to pull his arms back down towards himself, but found that they were exceptionally weaker than he thought they would be. Splice lowered his arms to his sides, as he lay there in his pain, both physical and emotional. 

As Splice sat him up on the table, the boy turned to dead weight in his arms. 

All the jostled movement of his limbs and bones had flared too much pain throughout his body. Andrew’s eyes fluttered before they rolled back into his head and he flopped backwards against the man’s chest. His head fell down towards the ground as Splice slid him off of the table. 

The man scooped the lanky boy up into a carry, his long limbs draping over the man’s arms looking more like a pile of broken branches than a boy.

They walked back into the  building as the sun began to set. 

“Come on carrot top, let’s get you patched up.” 

[greensaplinggrace]

ok another clack fic cuz cloud whump is the best and there’s never enough, so “please don’t cry” and “don’t ever do that again” from prompt list where cloud is still emotionally inept but zack is always there to help him feel and comfort him🥰🥰

Soooo...this took a very dramatic turn and I’m sorry! I actually have another version of this fic more along the lines of what you asked for in the works, so if you want me to tag you when I post it I can totally do that XD. I’m sorry it took me so long to complete this prompt! Life has been a bitch and I didn’t want to force it, you know?

“Please don’t cry” / “Don’t ever do that again.” (From This Here Prompt List)

*TW for violence and minor emetophobia

-If you want to send in a prompt, the guidelines are HERE and HERE!

---

Dusk has settled well over the city when the register rings shut for the final time that night. Sealing away the money he’d just counted should not be as satisfying as it is, but Cloud’s more than eager to end his shift. Eight hours is a misery but ten is exhausting, and every muscle in his body aches with the need for plush sheets and the warmth of his heating pad.

Today is Zack’s day off, which means he’s going to want to take the scenic route as he walks Cloud home, but there’s no way in hell Cloud is walking three miles today. He wants his binder off and his packing out. He doesn’t know why he’d thought packing on a busy Saturday was a good idea, but he’s starting to regret it.

Kicking the cup-holders into place, Cloud checks over the fridge and the oven before finally flicking off the last of the lights. There are some dishes still in the sink, but it’s only a couple of plates and a mug. Not enough to bother with, and hopefully not enough to piss Barret off come morning, though Cloud can never be too sure when it comes to the man.

Sometimes, he feels like Barret is warming up to him. Other times it’s like the man has an “I hate Cloud Strife” tattoo painted across his face. Cloud’s long since stopped trying to impress the guy in favor of actually being himself, and the recent response has been a whole bag of mixed signals. The only consolation is that he seems to hate Zack more. Which is why Zack has been permanently banned from visiting Cloud on morning shifts and instead been delegated to walking him home after closing. An entirely useless endeavor, considering Cloud can take care of himself, but Zack mostly does it to keep him company than out of some strange sense of duty, so he lets it slide.

A loud pounding on the door signals Zack’s arrival, and Cloud only makes another cursory sweep over the kiosk before hanging up his apron and grabbing his things from the back. As soon as he heads for the front door he sees Zack, face pressed to the glass and waving wildly, an eager smile splitting his face in two.

Warmth wells in Cloud's chest at the sight, along with a faint of tinge of exasperation at the other man's antics. He sighs and rolls his eyes enough for Zack to see it through the smudged windows, pushing the door open so hard it has him bouncing off the glass.

“Ow! Hey!” Zack huffs, rubbing at his nose with a pout, and Cloud casts him an unimpressed look.

“Tifa’s going to have your head for messing up her window.” The door shuts behind him with a bang, rattling against a gust of heavy wind, and Cloud burrows into his scarf with a shiver. He fumbles for the key with gloved fingers and uses his other hand to pull the scarf tighter, scowling into the soft fabric when Zack only grins.

“Don’t worry! She won’t ever know it was me.”

“Yes, she will.”

“Wh- how?! Nobody saw me.”

Cloud raises a brow at him before turning to the door, fighting with the lock for a good three seconds before it budges and clicks into place, and when he turns back around it’s to see an expression and complete and utter betrayal on Zack's face.

“You would tell her? About me, your own boyfriend? What happened to bros before hoes?”

“Tifa is my bro.”

“What, so does that mean I’m your hoe?”

Cloud’s lips twitch into a smile, and he hides his blush in the folds of his scarf as he grabs Zack’s hand and powers down the sidewalk. “Let’s go.”

“Yeesh! Calm the death grip, piña colada.”

“Absolutely not, Zack.”

“It’s a cute pet name.”

“It’s not a pet name at all.”

“Well, you’ve vetoed literally every real one in existence. I have to get creative.”

“There’s not a creative bone in your body, soldier.”

Zack tuts, tone suddenly serious in a way that has Cloud feeling guilty for snapping, and slows his walk drastically. He tugs at Cloud’s hand as he does so, and Cloud’s forced to either drop behind or risk losing him. Reluctantly, Cloud falls back. When he reaches Zack’s side, the other man is quick to give him a sideways look of concern. “You’re in a mood. Bad day at work?”

“It’s not a mood,” Cloud hisses, because the tension just won’t leave, heart pounding and ears ringing. Zack’s hand tightens around his for a while, thumb pressing into his palm until he’s gentling.

“I know,” Zack eventually says, “those were the wrong words. I’m sorry.”

Cloud glances away. “‘S fine.”

“Did something happen at work?”

“Just-” Cloud exhales loudly, pulling Zack closer as they turn a corner, “-long day. And a Saturday, so…”

“Your chest hurt?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay, then how about we talk about the awesome day I had at my work!” Cloud hums his assent, leaning into Zack all the way as he relaxes into the sound of Zack’s voice. “A vet came in for Collie today, and they were the perfect match. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a dog and a woman fall in love faster in my life. I mean, I’ll be sad to see her go, but she’s still got regular checkups for a bit, so I can spend some time with her for a little while longer. Not to mention Cissnei is an amazing person. I mean, she’s rough around the edges - sure - but who isn’t?”

“I have no idea who that is.”

“Oh! She’s the vet. Just came back from a real bad tour and she needed a trainer with good ethics - that’s me - so she dropped by and almost instantly bonded with Collie. It was so heartwarming. Wait, I’ve got a picture here…She wouldn’t let me take a video but...”

Zack trails off as he searches for his phone, and as much as Cloud loves hearing about Zack’s passions, he takes a relieved breath of fresh air at the break. 

It’s quiet out. Cold and biting beneath a clear sky, and Cloud peers up to blink at the lack of stars and natural lighting. A thick glow isolates the moon above him, created by the ever present lights and sounds of the city, and he feels a longing pang for home. He tugs at Zack’s hand and leans even further into him, pressing his face against the warmth of Zack’s coat, and listens to the rising curses with a contented curl of amusement.

Maybe he won’t go straight to bed, after all.

Steps echoing down the abandoned inner roads, they turn another corner and start towards their apartments. He glances up at the other man through his lashes, reluctant to part completely and abandon Zack’s heat. Snuggling would be nice, he decides. Cradled in his boyfriend’s arms as they warm up beneath the covers. Maybe he could even convince Zack to give him a massage. 

Cloud hums, opening his mouth to ask if Zack would like to stay the night, but before he can so much as get a word out a bruising grip wraps around his wrist. All thoughts of home are wiped clean from his mind as he’s ripped from Zack’s arm with a startled yelp. He twists and drives his head viciously backwards into his attacker’s nose, only managing to feel a brief sense of satisfaction at the ensuing snap and scream before hard metal collides with his head in an excruciating explosion of pain. He gasps and chokes out a cry, legs buckling as his mind splinters in agony.

“Cloud!” Zack’s voice rings painfully in his ears as his hand is wrenched to the other side of his chest, an arm encircling him and pulling him back into another body.

He flinches at the feeling of a cool metal circle coming to rest against the side of his head, whimpering as he’s shaken violently, head flaring enough to make his stomach lurch. “Zack.” His voice cracks on the word as he blinks stars from his eyes, Zack’s wide blue eyes coming into view before the pure, unadulterated horror of his expression does. Cloud’s stomach lurches again and he heaves, struggling weakly against his captor’s grip.

“Hey!” The gun digs painfully into his skin as the man shakes him again. “Quit your damn struggling before I decide you ain’t worth my time.”

“No! No- don’t-” Zack sounds on the edge of panic, and something somewhere in Cloud’s hazy mind tells him he should comfort the man, but no words can find his lips. “Don’t hurt him, please. What do you want? I’ll give- I’ll give you anything, just-”

“No…”

“I said shut the hell up! You think I’m joking?”

“He’s- he’s out of it, man. Come on. Just tell me what you want. Don’t- don’t shoot him, please. Is it money? I’ve- I don’t have a lot, but- but it’s all yours. All of it.”

Cloud whines out a protest, awareness trickling back slowly. Zack is strapped for cash right now. He wouldn’t survive dumping all of his money. 

“Tell your bitch to shut the fuck up!”

“Hey, calm down man, okay? Here- here’s all of it just...” There’s a thump on the ground in front of them, and what ensues in the most excruciating and awkward bend in the history of Cloud’s life as the guy reaches for it, never once taking the gun from his head. Then there's a scoff, and Cloud knows - knows - what he’s going to say before the words even fall from his lips.

“You think this is enough? The hell do you take me for? Give me all of it!”

“That’s all I-”

“Does your boy have anything on him?” The man’s shaking now, voice wavering on the edge of hysteria, and the tremor of his gun has Cloud swallowing tears of fear. “‘Cause if he’s hiding nothin’-!”

“No, he’s fucking broke, just-”

“I saw you walkin’ along all comfortable! Give me your fucking phone and...and that necklace.”

Cloud’s stomach drops with the words, panic rising high and heedy in the back of his throat. The necklace - Angeal’s necklace. No way. No fucking way.

“Um...the- the necklace, right.” It’s weak and strained, Zack biting his lip to hold back tears, and something in Cloud’s heart breaks. 

“Don’t. Zack, don’t-” his words are cut off in a cry of pain as the gun comes back down on his head again, and there’s piercing, splitting noise like gunfire that has Cloud jumping, bucking against his captor in pure terror as Zack yells.

“Holy shit. What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“I told him to stay fucking quiet! The next one goes through his head.” The grip tightens around Cloud until he can hardly move anymore, gasping for breath as the tears shake from his eyes. “Now give me the damn necklace. Now!”

“Okay..okay, I’m giving you the necklace.” Zack’s sounding really agitated now. In a different, very dangerous way that says he’s about to do something stupid, and the thump of Cloud's heart against his ribs is more deafening than the gunshot ever could be. 

Zack is going to endanger himself. Zack is going to do something. Cloud’s mouth feels gummy but he can’t move and he can’t speak and his head feels like it’s on fire. Through the blur of his tears he sees Zack shift, hand coming up to his neck, and he feels his captor freeze against him.

“What are those?”

“They’re my tags, man. They’re...completely worthless.”

“You were in the army?”

“Special forces.” The hard edge to his tone is enough to chill even Cloud, who’s known Zack for years and who’s seen him smile like the very heart of the universe itself. For his captor, it seems to have an even worse effect. One of high, panicked breaths and the uneasy waiver of his gun. 

Cloud sees Zack’s face harden before he charges. Sees him tense and move in the split second the gun is away from his head and it’s like the world comes crashing down around him. “Zack! Don’t-”

His voice breaks as he’s pushed aside, the breath forced from his lungs when he collides with the ground, head searing. A gunshot cracks through the air and there’s a shout, fists against flesh and another shot, this time with a scream, and Cloud tries desperately to push himself up and see what’s happening but the world spins sickeningly and he vomits onto the dirty concrete with a gut wrenching sob.

Then there’s silence. A loud thud that makes Cloud’s veins run cold and his stomach quiver again.

“Cloud.” A hand pushes through his hair, soft and gentle and Zack, and Cloud lets out a sob of relief. He collapses into Zack’s hold, shaking against his knees and encased in his arms, and claws desperately at the fabric of his pants. Burrowing his head into Zack’s thigh, Cloud sucks in a deep breath and exhales with the force of every line of tension wringing his energy dry.

“Zack,” he breathes, “Zack, you’re alive.”

“Yeah. Yeah. I’m so sorry, Cloud. I should never have let you get hurt like that, I- I- Hey…hey, please don’t cry.”

Cloud shakes his head and chokes out another sob, because God - God - he’d almost lost him. Almost lost Zack. And the tears won’t stop spilling from his eyes even as Zack runs a hand through his hair, up and down his back soothingly. Even as Zack curls around him like he’d never let Cloud go.

“You almost died- you almost-” and then there’s anger, stark and hot as he raises his wet face to glare at his stupid fucking boyfriend, “-don’t ever do that again.”

Zack smiles weakly, wiping at his own eyes with his shoulder, and the glint of his tags - the glint of Angeal’s necklace - makes Cloud’s shoulders seize again as a fresh wave of tears comes. He clenches his eyes to fight it and ducks his head down again, Zack’s words vibrating against his cheek as he speaks.

“I could say the same about you. Fuck, Cloud, I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my life.”

“I doubt it.”

“No, it’s true. It’s- It’s really, really true.”

Cloud lets that sink in for a second. “Oh.”

Zack cracks out a laugh, forced and loose and relieved all at once, and exhales as his shoulders droop with exhaustion. “Yeah, oh. Never again, Cloud.”

Cloud sighs and closes his eyes, letting the world take him.

“What about damsel in distress?”

Cloud opens his eyes again with the single minded purpose of burning a hole into Zack’s waist. “What do you think?”

“Eh…” Zack smiles nervously and scratches the back of his head. “Too feminine?”

“Too ridiculous.”

“I did just save your life.”

Cloud scoffs and doesn’t say anything for a while. Then, “you’re giving me a massage when we get back home.”

“Sweet Apple Pie, I’ll give you a thousand massages once we get back home. But we aren’t getting home until you’ve been to a hospital.”

“Ugh.” Cloud pulls a face, though for the pet name or the idea of a hospital, he doesn’t know.

Zack takes his response with the usual amount of grace. “You’re going to the hospital if I have to haul your ass there by the seat of your pants,” he huffs, “and I’ll call Tifa to make sure you don’t struggle.”

“We should probably call Tifa anyway.”

Zack sighs lengthily, petting a hand through Cloud’s hair as he tilts his head back to look at the sky, and Cloud relaxes into the touch with a pleased hum. There’s the occasional zing of pain when Zack skirts around the lumps on his head, but the pain fades into a dull background noise over time, as they sit and drift into the quiet of the night.

The ambulance arrives not two minutes later.

[mrs-mikko-rantanen]

Uhm, my day was decent? I mean aside from the fact that mornings exist and I did not want to wake up in time for my shift at work. But. And the end of the day when I have literal hours to do stuff after.. it works out cuz. Usually I get off and its oh shit I have enough time to halfway emotionally recharge and then its time for bed.

But. I got in and E^2 had put like. My name down on the schedule, and. That was great really. And we had this sheet for sign up of, basically what areas you want to be personally responsible for. And I signed light and it was great. And I dont think anyone really noticed cuz the manager wasn't there and no one else really looked at the schedule or anything else. But. It made me happy.

Still haven't gotten my name tag changed and honestly I dont think I'm going to. Cuz. I feel like I'm just being a bother asking again. But. It is what it is I guess.

I got off at five and its now nine and ive just been vibing in the car listening and singing to Spotify since I got off just trying to keep the sad at bay. And I should probably go home but. I dont want to. Cuz I know I'm just gonna wallow in the sad and self destructive tendencies if i go home.. If I ask nicely will the fae take me in as one of their own and I can become a cryptid in the woods?????

I have a three day weekend coming up and im considering doing a touch up on my hair since its really washed out. But I cant decide if I wanna keep it fully red or try and do like an ombre double tone thingy.. but I'm not sure what other color I'd try to do to the tips? Idk

I kinda wish my hair was longer so I could do like. The galaxy hair thing? Where its various shades of purple and blue and some pink and it looks different depending on how you style it. But I also know attempting to grow my hair out longer than I already plan to is a bad idea, cuz the sides and back are already getting too long and I hate it. But I wish I could do fun stuff with it too

Oh well. The duality of man i guess..

Uhm. I bought a giant plastic egg the other day, that reminds me of a dragons egg kinda. And I'm trying to decide if I should keep a hoard of dice in there or a hoard of crystals. Cuz. Dice and the clacky math rocks. But. Also shiny crystally gems

Speaking of dice I also really kinda want to try and get into a dnd group, but social anxiety and I have zero idea where to start with that so. That's fun.

Im currently resisting the urge to go and get more holes and metal in my head too. I just. The red hair makes me feel cool and powerful and I wanna look punk and

Sorry I've been rambling for like half a novel. I'll stop now before I get annoying. I mean I definitely already am. But you asked for asks and distractions and 👉👈 I love you

Id ask about your day but you seem to want a distraction from that sooo. How about, got any fun headcanons to share??

Thats awesome on the name front!!! I saw that and I got really excited for you when you posted the picture this morning, honestly I think you should bring up the nametag again, esspecially if its showing up on the schedule too. (Oddly enough I kicked around the idea of using a new name with friends and sruff today which is weird mostly bc like i like my name irl, its fairly androgynous and it makes me happy and i love my online name bc it means me :))

My vote is two tone!! I almost did a pink/purple ombre with my hair this round so I say do ittttt (that's also what I say about the extra holes and metal. Do itttttrrr)

That would be a hard choice but u do really like the idea of a giant dragons egg full of dice ngl. I need to find some people to play with too. I'm trying to get b and c in on something but idk if its ever really gonna pan out the way I want it too. My town actually has a pretty active dnd community but I am way too new and way too socially anxious to ever join something like that so I feel you there.

100% not annoying, each paragraph made me smile more. :)

My day was actually mostly ok, i just sorta ruined it with Danny at home. I just pointed out that the idealized dream band life that I wanted and thought I had was what she got and that it made me kinda jealous and she pointed out (correctly) that I'm jealous of so many aspects of her life that she now has a list of things she can't talk to me about for fear of setting me into a spiral and just. Yeah. That wasnt fun.

But work was ok. The kids all were really tierd so there was a fair bit of crying going on, but the weather was really nice so we got to go outside with them for a long time and that was very nice. I also got some really sweet cuddles from a few of them that made me very happy.

Oh! I also have a funny story about them!! So I was squatting (my main position is almost like Spiderman bc I'm down on the kids' level but i can also get up and move if I need to pretty quick) and one of the girls goes and gets a book, then stands right in front of me and points at the floor and says "sit" in the most authoritative voice I have ever hear from a 1 1/2 year old 😂 as soon as I sat down she was in my lap and opening the book so I could read to her.

As far as headcanons.... Sadly my brain is bouncimg mostly art ideas for the Tamgled au and not anything of substance so I may take a crack at that later. Otherwise I keep thinking about whumped up Will crying on the floor and Maurie finding him. Really I'm just thinking about Maurie and Will being bros. A lot. So much. God I love them.

[willow-salix]

F, Y and Z please from the writer ask list

You're getting me back for mine, aren't you? Lol

F- How long have you been writing fan fiction? Since around 2009, I wrote one mega fic which was around 60k long and was a complete book re-write of a true blood book. Then role play fan fiction for years until I got brave enough (or stupid enough) to do TAG.

Y- What is your favourite genre to write?

Paranormal romantic comedy is my genre. Mostly funny fluff with a dash of angst sprinkled in now and then to shock people into remembering that I can be serious now and then.

I guess for me writing is escapism so I like it to be mostly happy so I'm happy writing it. I tend to take on my characters feelings while writing it and writing too much drama and whump can make me depressed and it's harder for me to write, I get bogged down. The whumpy, emotional chapters are the hardest for me and take longer because I have to pace myself and do then bit by bit so I don't get too sad or low.

Z: Post an excerpt from your first fic or your last. Well you've just read my last, so let's see if I can dig out any of my first... Its gonna be awful...

OK, backstory of the book is that some witches came to cause trouble and put a spell on the local head vampire, Eric. In the original book it was Sookie that found him, but obviously I changed it so that a witch could be involved, that and I totally love Eric (I obviously have a bit of a thing for blondes that I didn't realise). This is from chapter 4, it's first person, I hate it, but I think we can kinda see where Selene got her sarcasm.

I was driving along at a good pace when a new song came on the stereo, I smiled as it was one of my favourites ‘Somebody’s out there’ by Triumph. I was singing along when my eyes caught a flash of movement in the distance.

I slowed the car down a little and looked more closely, waiting for the animal or whatever it was, to jump out into the road in front of me.

What I didn’t expect to see was the sight of a half naked, very tall man, running like crazy down the side of the road. I stopped the car as quickly as possible and jumped out.

I called out to the running figure, noting that he had long blonde hair and was very pale.

‘Hey there mate, are you ok?’ He whirled around and faced me, standing in a crouched position. He had huge white fangs glistening in the moonlight. I gasped in shock. It was Eric.

‘Hey Eric, calm down sweetie, it’s just me. It’s Tansi.’

I opened myself up and tried to feel what he was thinking. I was shocked to pick up confusion, fright and nervousness. Why the hell was Eric scared of me?

‘Are you ok darling?’ I took a step closer to him with my hand outstretched to him.

He seemed to think for a second and then stood up out of the crouch; his fangs withdrew a little but not quite.

‘Do I know you?’ He asked quietly.

‘Of course you know me, you doughnut.’

‘Who am I?’ Oh Goddess I though, is he for real? Does he not know me? Did that explain the confusion?

‘Eric, sweetie, what happened to you?’ I stepped closer still and he didn’t move away this time.

‘Who is Eric?’

Oh lordi, what was going on?

I was shivering in the cold and realised that Eric must be colder than I was; he wasn’t wearing a shirt or coat and didn’t appear to have any shoes either.

I sighed making up my mind in that one instant; I would have to take him home with me.

‘Come on babe, you are coming home with me, I can’t leave you out here on your own, you’ll freeze and you don’t seem to know who you are, let alone how to get back home’. I closed the distance between us and took his hand, he gripped my hand like it was a lifeline and allowed me to lead him to my car.

His hand was very cold and he had goose bumps on his arms and chest, his nipples were very erect and seemed to be watching me. I shook my head to clear my, slightly naughty, thoughts and took off my cape and draped it around his shoulders and wrapped it around him as close as possible. It was way too small on him but would do.

I got him in the car and did up his belt. He looked me straight in the eyes.

‘Do I really know you, do you really know me?’ He looked so lost, the

poor lamb. I impulsively gave him a half hug as I finished doing up his seatbelt.

‘Yes I really know you, and you really know me’. I shut his door and went round to my side and started the car. While I was getting myself sorted out he was staring at me very intently.

‘Did you call me Eric?’

‘Yes that’s your name’

‘And yours was Tansi?’ He frowned a little at the strange sound of my name.

‘Yes Tansi, its short for Tanzanite’.

‘It is a very beautiful and unusual name’. He gave me a small smile, so

I gave him a very big one in return.

‘Well Thank you, I don’t like it much, but it can grow on you’.

We drove in silence for a bit longer before I gave into my curiosity.

‘Eric, what were you doing out here, and why don’t you remember me?’

Eric seemed to shrink into the seat a little.

‘I don’t know, I don’t even know who I am’. Oh shit, I thought, this is very bad indeed.

‘Well try not to worry too much babe, I’ll look after you’. We were pulling up to my house now. I parked and came round to open his door. I held out my hand and was relieved when, after a moment’s hesitation, he put his hand in mine. I curled my fingers around his and gave a little pull to get him out of the car. I kept his hand in mine as I lead him into my house. He hesitated but I pulled a little more firmly.

‘Come on. Eric, I want you to come in with me and be safe and warm.’

My words had the desired effect and he followed me into my living room.

I flipped on the lights and finally got a good look at him. I didn’t like what I saw. He was wrapped in my too small cloak, and appeared to be only wearing a pair of filthy jeans. His hair was dirty and matted with Goddess knows what. I sighed and held out my hand to him again.

Come with me’ I lead him to my bathroom and started the shower.

‘You get undressed and get in while I get you some towels, I wont be long’ I turned to give him some privacy when he grabbed my hand.

‘Don’t go, stay with me’ Eric looked so lost that I melted.

‘Ok stay there for just a minute I’ll be right back, I promise’ I patted his hand and extracted myself slowly from his death grip on my arm.

Thankfully he let me go.

I ran to my bedroom and grabbed some towels from the linen closet, an old pair of sweats and an oversized t-shirt I used as a nightdress and as an after thought, rummaged in my bottom draw for last years bikini, just in case.

I ran back and found him in exactly the same place he was when I had left. I was a little worried at how much he seemed to cheer up when I stepped back into the room.

‘Come on now babe, slip out of those dirty jeans and jump in the shower, I want to get you clean’. I eeped and quickly span round to face the door as he took me literally and dropped his trousers onto the floor.

‘Come in with me’ he pleaded. I sighed.

‘Ok get in and I’ll be right back’. I stepped out the door and quickly shucked my dress and pulled on the bikini. This was not the way I had thought I would be getting Eric in my shower with me, but there was no way

I was going to take advantage of this troubled man in the room behind me.

I stepped back into the bathroom. He was in the shower just standing under the spray, he looked up as I got into the shower behind him. I was pleased to note that he looked a little disappointed that I wasn’t as naked as him.

‘Now no funny stuff’ I warned him as I reached for the soap and began to wash him all over. My fingers seemed to sink into the thick muscles of his back and I had to tell myself very firmly to keep my mind on the job as I fought the urge to lick his back.

He sighed as I worked the soap over his shoulders.

When his back was as clean as it was going to be and I had managed, with a lot of prayers for prizes for good behaviour, to carefully avoid looking at his fabulous butt to closely (a quick glance was all I did, I promise), I turned him around and began to work on his chest. The air left my lungs in one big whoosh as my hands slid over his nipples and down over his stomach. I took my hands away, afraid that I would lose my self control in one feel swoop in about 10 seconds time.

‘You can finish off while I have a wash’ I handed him the soap and turned my back and concentrated on washing off the smell of the bar from my skin. I gave him a few minutes more and then turned round to face him.

I risked a quick glance down and almost felt my knees collapse when I saw just how happy he was to be in the shower with me. My girl pride picked up a notch but I squashed any thoughts of reaching out and feeling just how happy, and grabbed the shampoo from the shelf.

‘Turn around’ I commanded and when he did I reached up and applied a generous amount onto his hair. I rubbed it in gently, taking my time working it through the tangles and getting all the dirt out, until it was squeaky clean.

I helped him rinse the soap out and then set to work on my own. He reached out to help me, but I pushed him gently away. I love having my hair played with and I knew that if he turned those big, sexy hand loose on me, I would never be able to leave him alone, and he would find himself on the floor with a pair of very long legs, attached to one very horny woman, wrapped firmly around his waist. He looked a little put out but allowed me to finish on my own.

I turned off the water and got out, wrapping myself in a big fluffy towel. I handed one to Eric and watched as he wrapped it around his waist, leaving his chest bare, wet and very inviting. I had to take a deep breath. I have a thing about bare, wet men that was not helping my resolve.

I grabbed the clothes I had picked up for him and practically shoved them into his arms.

‘You get dressed and I’ll meet you in the kitchen’ I squeaked out, my voice a little high. I turned away and scuttled out the door to my bedroom to get dressed into the frumpiest pyjamas I owned.

Gahhhhh I cringe! I cringe so much! This is awful, Wills! What have you done? Do you want some crackers with that cheese? Fucks sake.

[ineffablecolors]

CS Fic Rec Monday

So, I haven’t had the time to do this in awhile but I’m gonna stick with my theme-based rec lists. This week:

Fics that are always at the back of my mind.

Summoning Love by @bleebug [AO3 for easy access to all parts] - Recently I’ve started thinking that either disaster witch Emma has put a spell on me or demon Killian has possessed me (wouldn’t that be nice) because I literally constantly remember this fic out of the blue and just sigh wistfully and go re-read it and sacrifice a virgin or two in the hopes of more. What is even worse(better) the artwork that goes along with it is so freaking amazing!! I had it as my phone home screen for ages and I need to put it back cuz it’s definitely the favourite one I’ve had. It’s just... @bleebug is the full package and so is this verse and I don’t think I’ve managed to even scratch the surface of how much I love witch!Emma/demon!Killian.

Pay It Forward by @acrobat-elle [AO3] - Listen, I think I should be given some sort of award for holding on until my second #csfrm to mention this one. I mean it’s beautiful and so damn real and just so... ugh, so realistic and brutally honest. But really, I don’t think I can really properly explain why I love this fic so much. I feel like I have decided that it will forever be my precious on and so it shall be.

Deeply Loved by @emn1936 (anyone know if they are on tumblr?) - So a few months ago I put a search post out for this fic because I keep losing it (worry not, it is now in my favs on ff.net where it belongs) and I keep remembering it and wanting to reread it. And when I say keep remembering and rereading I mostly mean the whole scene between Killian and Emma at Granny’s. Guys, you know I like my man being treated like he deserves but what I love equally as much is when Emma acknowledges when she hasn’t done that and makes amends and ugh, that scene in his room at Granny’s where she is kneeling by his chair is searing into my mind forever.

Cassé, Retrouvé, Sauvé by @killian-whump - if you do whump at all, you gotta do this whump!! It has it all - the physical torture, the psychological trauma, the shame and humiliation, the hurt and comfort, the rescue and recovery. Just... ughhh! It’s both a fantastic Killian whump piece but also a fantastic CS piece and I think about that scene where Killian is first found and rescued probably more often than is strictly healthy. But I won’t tell, if you don’t.

OK, this last one is both a rec and a search because I cannot stop thinking about it but I also cannot find it (I’ve been trying for the last hour, I’ve scoured @killian-whump and @sherlockianwhovian‘s blogs :D).  It’s very firmly in the whump category - Killian is rescued and brought to the hospital but Emma shows up there he doesn’t want to see her and freaks out at the very mention of her name. After scouring his captors’ records they figure out that they made him think that he saw Emma and Henry being killed in front of him and... I can give more details for anyone willing to get the literally gory details. I think it was a 3-parter and ugh, someone please?

thank you so much to @wyntereyez and @hollyethecurious for opening my eyes! I’m such an idiot. of course it would be @killian-whump. I scoured your “hospital” tag but completely forgot to look in “mental hospital”. please, excuse my blunder, love!

[snowbellewells]

A few favorites of mine...

Largely due to a post made recently by one of my Tumblr friends, I got to thinking about some of my OuaT fan fiction stories which have not been as widely read or commented, but which were still dear to me - or that I was proud of - in one way or another. Some of them are older and only on ff.net (which could be part of the problem, as I think I gained more readers when I joined Tumblr).  Still, I thought I might make a post and detail what these lesser-read fics of mine were about and why they were special to me.  Maybe I would find them a few more readers.

Here goes something... ;)

The first one on this list is a Ruby-centric one shot.  Maybe because there’s not really a ship (at least not a still possible one?) even mentioned this has only ever received literally ONE comment, but I stubbornely feel I did a good job and enjoyed working on the characterization of a character I loved but don’t get as much opportunity to write for.  It’s called “Always Running”.

The second one I’m going to mention is one of my favorites of all the fan fiction stories I have written. It’s a holiday story, and I was pretty proud of how I wove elements of A Christmas Carol into the OuaT world for Emma to come to an important realization of the heart. I wrote A LOT of fic in the break between 3a and 3b, and that’s the starting and ending time frame for this one: “Ghosts of Christmases Past”

“Villain’s Happy Ending” is another one that I have always been (maybe overly?) pleased with. I am always thrilled with any new review or mention it receives, and so I am adding it on here in the hopes of it gaining more. It’s also one of the first multi chapters I wrote for “Once” and one of my earliest attempts at some whump, before I really knew what that term was. This was also written while we were waiting for 3b, so the Wicked Witch is not necessarily true to Zelena at all - we hadn’t met her yet.

My next overlooked fic is the one shot I posted for Self Promo Sunday this past week. I was late getting it up though, and almost no one saw it. Granted there’s not a romantic pairing, so maybe that’s why it has such low readership, but I have always liked the friendship and the mother-son aspects I worked on in it.  I also wrote it in a fit of missing Sheriff Graham - so there’s him in there too,  if that’s your thing. (Hunted Believer and Swan Believer, no real romantic ships involved)  It’s called “She’ll Be Back”.

“Cold as Stone”  This one is a 3-parter that I wrote when we were anticipating the Snow Queen in 4a. It doesn’t end up being much like the Ingrid/Snow Queen we got (though I enjoyed her a lot), but it does incorporate the original fairy tale’s plot in a way that I thought was very intense and affecting for Captain Swan - plus there’s some action, some good Daddy!Charming and still present Ruby as added bonuses.

This little one shot was written around Halloween and fits into 5x02/5x03 area of the show’s timeline.  I’ve just always been fond of it, though it’s a bit wistful and melancholy for sure.  It also delves a bit more into the town doing more fun, normal, everyday things instead of just constantly fighting baddies, so there’s that, if you want to check out: “Still Here in Spirit”

“Got My Angel Now” is another one shot that I have always been fond of, for whatever reason. It’s Camleot set, though it goes divergent somewhere around “Siege Perilous” (5x03).  Arthur is certainly still treacherous, but it takes a much different turn than it did in canon. There is some whump mentioned, but it’s really more the aftermath that we’re seeing - so hurt/comfort really (which is one of my many fic weaknesses!)

Oddly (for someone who doesn’t even like Halloween that much!) this is another Halloween-themed fic.  I just really had fun writing this, highlighting fun, domestic and community things Captain Swan and friends might get into left free of monsters for a stretch of time at once.  I especially enjoyed incorporating Belle, Henry and Violet into this prominently, and I’m hoping a few more folks might see it this time around: “Moonlit Ghosts”.

This next one is another MC, and it largely focuses on my favorite headcanon couple Liam and Belle.  I shouldn’t act like it has no feedback at all; there around 30 comments on it on ff.net.  But for how much work it was, I would love to have a few more folks discover it. it was a unique challenge to weave together more action, a divergent storyline from about 5x15 or 5x16, and to feature two characters that I don’t usually write (one being a person we have very little to go on).  I was really pleased with the results, so I’m hoping someone else might enjoy. @hollyethecurious made me a GORGEOUS cover/picset for it a while back, so I’m going to shamelessly use it again here to lure you into “Looking for a Heart (that’s not walking away)”...

And last but not least, I’m going to mention my alternative take on the season six finale “Quietly Breaking, Breaking the Chains”.  I was just so proud of this one, for lots of reasons, and I wonder how many people ever even saw or read it.  It (I think) puts a lot more Captain Swan and Captain Cobra back into the finale, which I think it needed.

I’ll stop there, but hopefully a few of you will like this - tagging some friends who might have missed these: @searchingwardrobes @whimsicallyenchantedrose @laschatzi @kmomof4 @hollyethecurious @spartanguard @therooksshiningknight @bmbbcs4evr @jennjenn615 @gingerchangeling @mayquita @charmingturkeysandwich @linda8084 @effulgentcolors @ilovemesomekillianjones @resident-of-storybrooke

[televinita]

Books Read in 2019: The Why

In a tradition I accidentally started for myself and now quite enjoy, at the end of the year I look back at my reading list and answer the question, why did you read this particular book? 

Below, the books are split into groups by target readership age, plus nonfiction at the end. This year I have added the category “how I heard of it” as well, because I just think that info is neat.

FICTION

The Visitor - K.L. Slater. 2018. Read because: Ten episodes of The Good Cop weren't enough, so I tried to find something w/ similar characters, and this looked kinda like "TJ as a slightly more withdrawn weirdo." By the time I realized it wouldn't work due to being British, I was too excited by the prospect of a thriller to stop.

How I heard of it: Googling keywords

Like the Red Panda - Andrea Seigel. 2004. The back cover and first few pages reminded me of a friend I had once.

How I heard of it: Library

The Lost Vintage - Ann Mah. 2018. What's that? You've got some secret family history/a mystery from the past to be solved using old personal papers, including a diary? My jams.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls (4th ed.) - Emilie Autumn. 2017. I googled for books that promised unique formatting/art design, and Emilie Autumn has always been an intriguing enigma to me.

I Heard the Owl Call My Name - Margaret Craven. 1967. I know this title, but not why -- when I tripped over it in the teen* section and saw how tiny it was, I decided to find out what it was about. (*it's there because it's often taught in schools. It's here because its intended audience is adult.)

Escape - Barbara Delinsky. 2011. Went looking for an audiobook -- the cover with a woman standing on a small bridge amidst the woods drew me in (I can't find that cover on the internet though), and the idea of abandoning responsibility and driving off to a small town sounded like my dream.

How I heard of it: Library

Saul and Patsy - Charles Baxter. 2003. Another search result from my attempt to cast Josh Groban in a novel -- Midwestern-set and a man very much in love with his wife, no worries about the relationship being wrecked? Sweet! (though ultimately, I had to mentally recast)

How I heard of it: Googling

California - Edan Lepucki. 2014. Needed an audiobook. The title and green forest cover caught my eye, and the off-the-grid life + promise of a mysterious and possibly suspicious settler community described in the plot appealed to me.

How I heard of it: Library

The Lost Queen of Crocker County - Elizabeth Leiknes. 2018. Woman moves back home to rural Iowa in a book described as a "love letter to the Midwest"? Look at all these good choices.

How I heard of it: Library

All The Things You Are - Declan Hughs. 2014. Was looking for a different book w/ this title, but saw Spooky Dark House cover + wild summary and wanted to know how that could possibly happen / what the explanation was.

How I heard of it: Library catalog

Tumbledown Manor - Helen Brown. 2016. Cover love. A book about restoring a historic family manor?? BRING ME THERE.

How I heard of it: Library

The War Bride's Scrapbook - Caroline Preston. 2017. IT'S LITERALLY A SCRAPBOOK. I loved her other one like this.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day - Winifred Watson. 1938. Rewatched the movie and needed to relive an alternate take immediately (especially for more Michael).

How I heard of it: special features on the DVD

April & Oliver - Tess Callahan. 2009. This just screamed "(slightly less storybook) Ned/Chuck AU!!" [Pushing Daisies] at me. There was semi-platonic comfort-spooning in the second chapter, COME ON.

How I heard of it: Half Price Books

A Short Walk to the Bookshop - Aleksandra Drake. 2019. This looked like an even more solid Ned/Chuck AU, missing only the childhood connection/age similarity, with bonus fave keywords anxiety, widower, bookshop and dog.

How I heard of it: Googling

Girl Last Seen - Nina Laurin. 2017. Recently watched "Captive" and wanted a story of the aftermath from the captive's perspective.

How I heard of it: Goodreads (specifically, I looked up an older book by this title intending to check out related recs, but this came up first)

The Road to Enchantment - Kaya McLaren. 2017. Gorgeous cover/title + "single [pregnant] woman inherits late mother's ranch" = an alternate life I want to try on.

How I heard of it: Library

From Sand and Ash - Amy Harmon. 2016. Love between childhood best friends who can’t (well, aren’t supposed to) touch? Sounds like a Ned/Chuck AU to me!

How I heard of it: a book blog post

My Oxford Year - Julia Whelan. 2018. Always here for age-appropriate student/teacher romances -- I had this one saved for a while -- but read now specifically to cast David Tennant.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

The Reckoning at Gossamer Pond - Jaime Jo Wright. 2018. There's a mystery from the past being solved in the present. Also, "inherited hoarder's trailer" made me v. curious about what was inside.

How I heard of it: a book blog post

My Husband the Stranger - Rebecca Done. 2017. It's Find Books That Remind Me Of David Tennant's Roles Month, and this was my crack at "Recovery."

How I heard of it: Googling

The House on Foster Hill - Jaime Jo Wright. 2017. Fixing up a spooky abandoned historic house + solving a mystery from the past in the present!

How I heard of it: a book blog post

Broadchurch - Erin Kelly. 2014. Fell in love with the show, had to immediately relive it in text form.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

The Vanishing - Wendy Webb. 2014. Spooky historic mansion from a reliable author for the spookening season.

How I heard of it: looking up the author’s back catalog

The Scholar - Dervla McTiernan. 2019. The Ruin - Dervla McTiernan. 2018. "Hmmm looks kind of like (Irish) Broadchurch but where the detective character has a girlfriend to fuss over and worry about. Nice." Read out of order because the second one had more girlfriend content, and enjoyed it enough to go back for book 1.

How I heard of it: Googling

The Day She Died - Catriona McPherson. 2014. The cover looked perfect for the Spook Season/gloomy weather. Sign me up for insta-families and murder mysteries w/ MCs in possible danger any day.

How I heard of it: library (literally because it was right next to McTiernan)

Still Missing - Chevy Stevens. 2010. Collecting base material for when I play this scenario (abduction/prolonged captivity and its aftermath) out w/ TV characters I like.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

This Is How You Lose The Time War - Amal El-Mohtar & Max Gladstone. 2019. It sounded EXACTLY like a (genderbent) Doctor/Master or Crowley/Aziraphale relationship.

How I heard of it: a book blog post

The Tale of Halcyon Crane - Wendy Webb. 2010. Wanted an audiobook and I like this author (esp. for spook season).

How I heard of it: author’s back catalog

The Child Garden - Catriona McPherson. 2015. I liked her previous book and this setting looked even spookier and more atmospheric.

How I heard of it: author’s back catalog

Quiet Neighbors - Catriona McPherson. 2016. One last dip into this author...because what part of "woman gets a job organizing the books in 'the oldest bookshop in a town full of bookshops' + an old cottage to stay in" does not sound like my dream life?

How I heard of it: author’s back catalog

Doctor Who: The Nightmare of Black Island - Mike Tucker. 2006. After 2.5 months in a Ten/Rose spiral, the time was nigh to pluck one of their novels I didn’t get around to reading back in my original fandom heyday.

How I heard of it: can't remember

Misery - Stephen King. 1987. I just woke up one day and decided I was in the mood to try this infamous mother of all literary whumps.

How I heard of it: can’t remember

The Whisper Man - Alex North. 2019. Went looking for books that would remind me of the father/son dynamic in "The Escape Artist."

How I heard of it: Googling

Open Your Eyes - Paula Daly. 2018. Second crack at a "Recovery"-shaped novel (it failed instantly because I didn’t take the possibility of diversity into account, but suspense is still a good genre regardless).

How I heard of it: Googling

The Last - Hanna Jameson. 2019. "Dystopian psychological thriller" + the gorgeous hotel on the cover.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

------------------

YOUNG ADULT

Blood Wounds - Susan Beth Pfeffer. 2011. Established quality author + (what I thought was a) thriller premise.

How I heard of it: author’s back catalog

Beware That Girl - Teresa Totten. 2016. I wanted an audiobook, and contemporary YA options are limited at the library. The mystery/thriller aspect sounded good enough to spend 8+ hours with.

How I heard of it: library

Trafficked - Kim Purcell. 2012. I am mystified/intrigued by domestic/non-sexual slavery, and have not seen the topic covered in YA.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Wild Bird - Wendelin Van Draanen. 2017. I have long been fascinated by teen reform camps for girls in the wilderness.

How I heard of it: library

The Year of Luminous Love - Lurlene McDaniel. 2013. The Year of Chasing Dreams - Lurlene McDaniel. 2014.

The library didn't have Girl With the Broken Heart, but it did have a fat duology featuring similar elements of horses + tragic illness, and a trio of friends that called to mind Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

The Pull of Gravity - Gae Polisner. 2011. I was looking for quality male friendships, but the male/female friendship + road trip in this search result sounded like I could cast them as teen versions of Survivor contestants. I forget which ones.

How I heard of it: Googling

The Summer of Jordi Perez (and the Best Burger in Los Angeles) - Amy Spalding. 2018. Established quality author + bright cover, cool title, burger quest, MC's love of fashion and job in a clothing store, and summer in L.A. setting

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Tiger Eyes - Judy Blume. 1981. Found out Amy Jo Johnson was the mom in the movie version, decided to read the book as prep since once again, I knew the title, but not why I knew it.

Darius the Great Is Not Okay - Adib Khorram. 2018. I turned the internet upside down in search of books with quality male friendships, and was pointed here.

How I heard of it: Googling

Big Doc's Girl - Mary Medearis. 1941. Went looking for vintage stories of simple country girls who reminded me of Katharine McPhee's character in The House Bunny. (spoiler alert: this was not it even a little bit, why did I think it was)

How I heard of it: Googling

With Malice - Eileen Cook. 2016. Always here for random teen thrillers, including a fictionalized version of Amanda Knox.

How I heard of it: library

The Girls of No Return - Erin Saldin. 2012. Like I said, I'm big on girls reform camps in the wilderness.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Hope Was Here - Joan Bauer. 2000. Needed an audiobook. This one was short and by a proven quality author.

How I heard of it: library

Rules of the Road - Joan Bauer. 1998. Best Foot Forward - Joan Bauer. 2006. Bought the first super-cheap a while ago because of the cover/road trip aspect/fascinating first few pages; read NOW to keep the Bauer train rolling, followed immediately by its sequel.

How I heard of it: Goodwill/Goodreads

Now Is Everything - Amy Giles. 2017. Interesting format, sympathetic-sounding main character (edit: What Makes You Beautiful - Ha Ha Ha version.mp3), potential for a sweet and protective romance.

How I heard of it: library

Radical - E.M. Kokie. 2016. Survivalist/prepper teen?  Intriguing and underrepresented concept in YA.

How I heard of it: library

Hit the Road - Caroline B. Cooney. 2006. “It's spring, which means it's time to think about road trips.” Plus I just read a fun teen + old lady on the road book (Rules of the Road). It's thematic.

How I heard of it: library

I Am Still Alive - Kate Alice Marshall. 2018. I dig survival stories, especially in the wilderness, and this one was well recced.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

The Caged Graves - Dianne K. Salerni. 2013. Spook cover!! I MUST KNOW WHY THERE ARE CAGES OVER THESE GRAVES.

How I heard of it: library

Fancy Free - Betty Cavanna. 1961. Found cheap and will read this author always.

How I heard of it: antique store

Once And For All - Sarah Dessen. 2017. Stubborn determination to complete this author's canon and literally no other reasons.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Wired Man and Other Freaks of Nature - Sashi Kaufman. 2016. People in the Goodreads reviews were mad that the guys were so close yet not gay for each other. That's the very specific male friendship wheelhouse I've been looking for! Plus I know this author can write teen boys in a way I can tolerate.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Field Notes on Love - Jennifer E. Smith. 2019. Needed an audiobook and this was on display at the library; it looked cute and fluffy and I was ready for an antidote to the Dessen book.

How I heard of it: library

Midnight Sun - Trish Cook. 2017. Needed an audiobook and sick!lit seemed the most reliable of my options, given that previews for the movie had looked okay and it was real short.

How I heard of it: library

9 Days and 9 Nights - Katie Cotugno. 2018. Sequel to a book that drove me insane, but where I loved the writing style and was frustratingly fond of the characters so I Had 2 Know what happened next.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Your Destination Is On The Left - Lauren Spieller. 2018. Attractive cover + keywords like "nomadic RV lifestyle," Santa Fe, post-high-school YA, and internship

How I heard of it: library

Weird Girl and What's His Name - Meagan Brothers. 2015. X-Philes?? In MY modern-day YA fiction?? (with a side of inappropriate age-mismatched relationship?)  My interest is more likely than you'd think!

How I heard of it: library

All Out of Pretty - Ingrid Palmer. 2018. Attractive design + arresting first page piqued my curiosity

How I heard of it: library

Hitchhike - Isabelle Holland. 1977. Vintage book w/ a puppy on the cover, by an author I like.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Send No Blessings - Phyllis Reynolds Naylor. 1990. Reread from high school after it came up on the What's The Name of That Book? discussion group; felt a strong pull of positive feelings but couldn't remember much.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

The Year of the Gopher - Phyllis Reynolds Naylor. 1987 Wanted better understanding of the source material before reading an essay about this book and the above in Lost Masterworks of Young Adult Literature.

How I heard of it: another book

Up In Seth's Room - Norma Fox Mazer. 1979 There was an essay about this in Lost Masterworks too. I had read it a long time ago and remembered NOT liking it, but figured I might as well revisit it to review on Goodreads.

How I heard of it: library

Blizzard's Wake - Phyllis Reynolds Naylor. 2002. Happened to be on the shelf when I checked to see what non-Alice books of hers the library had in stock, and figured as long I'm on a Naylor kick, this might as well happen. Mainly ‘cause I saw "deadly blizzard" on the back and was like "WOW this seems useful for my hurt/comfort scenario stockpile."

How I heard of it: library

A Whole New World - Liz Braswell. 2015. Seeing the new Aladdin trailer blew up my heart with FEELINGS for the original, so I went looking for a YA retelling. Can't believe I found an actual Disney-based retelling.

How I heard of it: Library catalog

After the Dancing Days - Margaret I. Rostkowski. 1986. The connection between Roy and the little girl in The Fall reminded me of this book, so I reread it specifically to visualize Andrew as Lee Pace.

How I heard of it: Library

There's Someone Inside Your House - Stephanie Perkins. 2017. I'll read most any teen thriller you throw at me. The more murders the better.

How I heard of it: Library

All the Forever Things - Jolene Perry. 2017. Loved the author's writing style on a previous book, but couldn't stomach the love triangle. Wanted to give her another chance.

How I heard of it: Library

Aristotle and Dante Discover The Secrets of the Universe - Benjamin Alire Saenz. 2012. Been on my TBR for a while because quality male friendship; read it now to see if I should keep or get rid of the dollar store copy I bought. (answer: get rid of. it's good but not amazing to me personally)

How I heard of it: Goodreads

The Hollow Girl - Hillary Monahan. 2017. Violent revenge fantasy against rapists? Especially to save the life of a guy you like who was brutally beaten during your assault? Heck yeah.

How I heard of it: Library

The Opposite of Love - Sarah Lynn Scheerger. 2014. The hurt/comfort potential was off the charts and it vaguely reminded me of Ryan/Marissa (the O.C.).

How I heard of it: Library

Sophomore Year is Greek to Me - Meredith Zeitlin. 2015. It just looked light and cute, like summer.

How I heard of it: Library

Girl Online On Tour - Zoe Sugg. 2015. Girl Online Going Solo - Zoe Sugg. 2016. Two sequels to a book I enjoyed.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Plague Land - Alex Scarrow. 2017. Plague Land Reborn - Alex Scarrow. 2018. Always here for illness-based apocalypse/dystopia. Would have finished the trilogy but library doesn’t have book 3 yet.

How I heard of it: Library

Pretty Fierce - Kieran Scott. 2017. Spy daughter of spies running for her life along w/ doting boyfriend (named Oliver, a name that has never let me down in fiction)? The ship radar is sounding OFF.

How I heard of it: Library

The Leaving - Lynn Hall. 1980. Will read any LH book, but this one was small and easy to take on an overnight trip plus everything about the summary and first couple of pages drew me in.

How I heard of it: author’s back catalog

Speed of Life - J.M. Kelly. 2016. Beautiful cover, blue collar family, unusual premise (twin sisters co-parenting the baby one of them had, no dad in sight), and I love stories where teens are (essentially) head of household.

How I heard of it: Thrift Books

Freshman Year and Other Unnatural Disasters - Meredith Zeitlin. 2012. Looked light and cute, because it's back-to-school time and lately I've been enjoying study blogs from people just starting high school.

How I heard of it: Library

The Land of 10,000 Madonnas - Kate Hattemer. 2016. Unsupervised teens a-wanderin' through Europe? Sign me up for that vicarious wanderlust.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

A Thousand Boy Kisses - Tillie Cole. 2016. A romance w/ astronomical hurt/comfort potential. (spoiler alert it’s too sickly saccharine even for me)

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Hooked - Catherine Greenman. 2011. Random reread of a book I had come to believe should have been 4 stars rather than 3, but couldn’t remember well enough to feel confident in changing the rating without checking first.

How I heard of it: Library

Appaloosa Summer - Tudor Robins. 2014. Horsey YA + after years of it being on my TBR, the author saw me post about this fact and offered to send me a free paperback copy for review.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

I Stop Somewhere - T.E. Carter. 2018. I too identified as a girl my classmates would never notice was missing (moreso in college, but still). Plus it's getting close to Halloween, so time for spooky/true-crime-esque reads.

How I heard of it: library

What Waits in the Woods - Kieran Scott. 2015. An ideal spook setting for the spook season!

How I heard of it: Library

Illuminae - Amie Kaufman & Jay Kristoff. 2015. The formatting/art design just sounded cool and unique.

How I heard of it: a book blog post

Boot Camp - Todd Strasser. 2006. I went to the library to check out a different book of his, but this caught my eye because WHUMPITY WHUMP (with a side of pining for the teacher he had previously been in a relationship with).

The Last Trip of the Magi - Michael Lorinser. 2012. Picked up cheap at a book sale for the struggling-to-survive-a-winter-night-outside aspect.

A List of Cages - Robin Roe. 2017. Male friendship loaded with hurt/comfort.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

-------

MIDDLE GRADE

Sparrow Road - Sheila O'Connor. 2011. The setting -- an artist's retreat at an old mansion on sprawling estate grounds formerly used as an orphanage -- captivated me.

How I heard of it: a Little Free Library (outside of a mansion repurposed as an art council's center, actually)

Annie's Life in Lists - Kristin Mahoney. 2018. I LOVE LISTS.

How I heard of it: library

Hope is a Ferris Wheel - Robin Herrera. 2014. Still grinding my teeth over Dessen's Once and For All, I was desperate for a sweet middle grade story to refresh my palate. Gimme that bright cover. Ooh, and a trailer park kid?

How I heard of it: Library

The Education of Ivy Blake - Ellen Airgood. 2015. Prairie Evers - Ellen Airgood. 2012. Also intended as a Dessen antidote, I picked up the sequel first due to the incredibly charming excerpt on the back, and then fell so in love with the character and writing style I needed more of her world.

How I heard of it: Library

When You Reach Me - Rebecca Stead. 2009. Rave reviews from friends; mystery aspect sounded intriguing.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Counting By 7s - Holly Goldberg Sloan. 2013. Picked up cheap at a fundraiser garage sale I wanted to support; seemed easily readable.

Summerlost - Ally Condie. 2016. Young!Ned/Chuck AU?? (spoiler alert: maybe if it wasn't so boring)

How I heard of it: Googling

Where The Heart Is - Jo Knowles. 2019. "Country girl taking care of the animals at a hobby farm across the road" = the childhood dream and also I wanted to ignore the summary and hope I could still get a Young!Ned/Chuck AU. How I heard of it: Library

The Wizards of Once - Cressida Cowell. 2017. Twice Magic - Cressida Cowell. 2018. First one: David Tennant reads the audiobook, and literally no other reasons.

Second one: Ah heck turns out I kind of loved how David Tennant read that audiobook and want more.

How I heard of it: Library catalog

My Sister Lives on the Mantelpiece - Annabel Pitcher. 2011. David Tennant reads the audiobook, and literally no other reasons.

How I heard of it: Library catalog

----------

NONFICTION

Seinology: The Sociology of Seinfeld - Tim Delaney. 2006. It's sociology, it's Seinfeld, what's not to love?

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Survivor: The Ultimate Game - Mark Burnett. 2000. At the beginning of the year I was obsessed w/ this show like never before, so a detailed recap of one of its seasons seemed like the ticket to complement that.

How I heard of it: Googling

Jungle: A Harrowing True Story of Survival - Yossi Ghinsberg. 1985. Loved the movie, wanted to relive it in text form.

How I heard of it: special features on the DVD

Lost Masterworks of Young Adult Literature - ed. Connie Zitlow. 2002. There was an essay about Send No Blessings in here. If that's the kind of book this book is about, I wanna hear all about it.

How I heard of it: Library catalog

Animals in Young Adult Fiction - Walter Hogan. 2009. From the same publishing line as the above, which I loved, I figured this was even MORE my specialized reading niche.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Phantoms of the Hudson Valley - Monica Randall. 1996. When I have I ever NOT wanted to read about grand mansions of yesteryear -- especially if some are abandoned ruins?

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Seven Cats and the Art of Living - Jo Coudert. 1996. Picked up cheap at a library sale because cats (and the cute author-illustrated cover painting).

Psychic Pets and Spirit Animals: True Stories From The Files of Fate Magazine. 1996. Random reread of a childhood favorite.

How I heard of it: B. Dalton's (THAT’S how long I’ve had this book, y’all).

Extreme Couponing - Joni Meyer-Crothers with Beth Adelman. 2013. Who doesn't love saving money? But I am not very coupon-savvy and wanted to learn.

How I heard of it: Library

Cabin Lessons: A Tale of 2x4s, Blisters and Love - Spike Carlsen. 2015. Having the money/skill to build my own cabin on MN's north shore is a fun daydream.

How I heard of it: Library

The Little Bookstore of Big Stone Gap: A Memoir of Friendship, Community, and the Uncommon Pleasure of a Good Book  - Wendy Welch. 2012. Opening a used bookstore is my impractical dream too.

How I heard of it: Library

Belonging: A German Reckons With History and Home - Nora Krug.  2018. Illustrated memoirs are always awesome.

How I heard of it: Library

The Astor Orphan: A Memoir - Alexandra Aldrich. 2013.

Rokeby was one of the estates that fascinated me in Phantoms of the Hudson Valley, and the content of this one took place around the same era that book was written.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

I'll Be There For You: The One About Friends - Kelsey Miller. 2018. Am I going to turn down "a retrospective" about one of my favorite shows?? I am not.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Season Finale: The Unexpected Rise and Fall of the WB & UPN. 2007. Recommended after the above because I love hearing how network TV stations are built in terms of programming decisions.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

Paperback Crush: The Totally Radical History of 80s and 90s Teen Fiction - Gabrielle Moss. 2018. Take how I reacted to Lost Masterworks of Young Adult Literature, and multiply it by "fully illustrated with brightly colored pages." These are the kind of books I’m familiar with and always down to talk/hear about, but hardly anyone else is.

How I heard of it: Goodreads

[justsomewhump]

Popping in to post this quick whump-without-plot thing. Only warnings are kidnapping, bondage and implied torture (I know, I'm shocked too). AU.

Word count: ~1.4k

Killian moaned softly as he stirred awake. The pain from being suspended came first, feeling as if a million nails had been stuck into his arms and legs. Then came the feeling from the cuts, the bruised and swollen parts, and he shivered - something which only caused even more pain as his body begged to stretch, but he couldn't do anything short of that.

He'd been forced on his knees, and both his arms had been chained to and hanging from a bar just behind his head. His legs, which he hadn't stretched in hours, hurt so much less compared to his arms, which he could only relieve if he pressed his neck against the bar and tried to stretch them - but the chains around them didn't give him much freedom.

He opened his eyes, devastated to see the sky still dark outside the window. He must only have slept for an hour or so, then. He wasn't surprised.

For the millionth time he tried to stretch his neck and look at the bar behind him, trying to find any weakness there might be in it. He flexed his arms, chain rattling against metal, but as any other time, nothing happened. If anything, him having only one hand always made his captors more creative with bondage.

He sighed and looked ahead, deciding to try and stretch as much of his body as he could. He flexed his thighs, whining softly as the pain in his muscles became less tolerable, but he moved on to stretch his torso forward. He swallowed a scream, the reminder of boots kicking on his chest and stomach protesting the movement, but he kept on until he felt a little less drowsy, a little less tense.

Of course, if he judged by the number and severity of his injuries, he was sure his body wouldn't relax until given proper time to heal, and he was certain this was a frail hope now. The stress position only made things worse.

His body shivered again when he heard footsteps outside his door. Light, slow and confident, they stopped in front of the door and he saw the shadow cast on the light that came under the door.

He swallowed hard. His suspicions of who it was were confirmed by the fact that nothing was said before the door was unlocked. That man didn't need permission from the guard to go check and maybe torture their prisoner further.

The door opened, filling the room with sudden light and Killian squeezed his eyes shut, to his chagrin. Considering how long he'd spent in dark places before, both literally and figuratively, one would think he'd welcome any light in his life. Even if at first it felt he was given light and hope so suddenly he didn't know what to do with them, he eventually knew to accept them.

But this time, light didn't mean freedom, it didn't mean happiness. It meant more pain and more despair.

The light in his room was warm, unlike the white, cold lights that he was accustomed to in the rebel base. If it weren't for how unkempt the place he was currently kept in looked and how the floor was decorated with splotches of his own blood in front of him, he might even have felt the warmth seep inside him.

Mr. Gold was a refined man, but when it came to torturing people he didn't hesitate literally getting his hands dirty. So instead of pulling the chair from the corner, he simply knelt in front of Killian, looking at him. Killian held his head as high as he could with the bar right behind it, and he stared into Gold's bloodthirsty eyes.

"Your foul lot hasn't replied to our messages," Gold said.

"Good for them." He knew he would die in there anyway; he couldn't help feeling grateful his weakness and obsession with getting revenge on Gold wasn't threatening their cause.

Gold smiled; he hadn't expected a different reaction. "We could torture you until the end of your days. We could start cutting parts off and sending them off to your friends. They could watch hours upon hours of videos of you screaming in pain." Gold leaned closer, and it was all Killian could do to not flinch away. "We could break you in all sorts of ways, and they still wouldn't give up."

"The rebellion is worth much more than one pitiful soul," Killian said in an unsteady voice.

"I couldn't care less about what your pathetic excuse for an uprising is worth."

Before Gold could say anything more, Killian interrupted him. "Pathetic? That’s what you came to think of your own people?"

"You’re not ‘my’ anything," Gold retorted. "You rebel scums never accepted me, as much as I was like them. They try to scream about equality but they can't see injustice when it's happening right in front of their eyes."

"Quite easy for you to say, after you murdered and terrorized your way to the elite."

"Oh, so that's what it is." Gold smiled. "Suddenly I'm the one in the wrong. I guess that makes you feel better for how weak you were. For how, while I fought for what I deserved, you were too incompetent to protect the ones you loved, right?"

"Shut up."

"And don't try to claim the high moral ground. I know you're guilty of as many crimes as I am. It's your pretty face that bought you the trust of your people. We're both charismatic in a way. It's just that you use it to make up for your weaknesses, I use it to make my life better."

"And ours worse."

"Of course. Why would I ever think you lot deserve anything better? Especially if people like you are the ones that got what I didn't get?"

"Look who's talking. You're the one in the fancy suit, I'm amongst those suffering under the tyranny you're imposing."

"What was it you said to me, when we first met? 'A man unwilling to fight for what he wants, deserves what he gets'?" Gold waited a beat before he added, "I wanted a better life and I fought for it. Now that's suddenly wrong, because it doesn't suit you?"

Killian had been awful back then, and he knew it. But he'd rather Gold thought Killian had double standards than ever admitting the truth, pretty much apologizing to him after everything. So he stayed silent, and Gold seemed pleased with himself.

Indeed, Gold looked over at him, then slowly put his hand on Killian's head. He grabbed a fistful of hair and pulled, causing a gasp from his unsuspected victim.

"Tell me," Gold said, "doesn't it disturb you that no one cares enough for you to save you?"

"They'll never give the information you want. It's too valuable."

"More valuable than your own life, eh?"

Killian swallowed hard. "Always."

"And doesn't that hit a spot in you? A lonely, abandoned soul like you-"

"Shut up."

"... made himself into an expendable weapon for the resistance... are you happy with how you have no one to care for you? No one in your stupid headquarters getting upset while watching the videos of you screaming in pain? Even knowing that we can keep you here for as long as we want, and do whatever we want to you?"

"It takes desperate people to rise against tyrants," Killian said with vigor. "I wouldn't be resisting if I was happy with my life. But how would you know?"

"Hm. Indeed. You have this unstoppable bug in your brain that just asks to destroy everything that opposes you... I instead chose to take advantage of it, so I do guess your mileage may vary. But I am quite satisfied with your answer," Gold said, letting go of Killian's hair and standing up. "Though a little disappointed with how you avoided mentioning Ms. Swan."

What? How does he-

His tortured soul didn't seem to be able to keep a poker face anymore, if he judged by Gold's short laugh.

Bloody hell.

"I wish I could say I was interested in details of your personal life with her."

"It's not-"

"But as the subject is literally on the end of the list of things I'm interested in, I'm satisfied with what little we know." Gold leaned down towards Killian. "And even the thought of her heart breaking, her mind going crazy while watching you suffer... that's enough satisfaction for me."

Killian looked at him speechless, fighting back tears.

Gold didn't wait for them to fall. He knew very well what he'd done, evidence was redundant.

So he simply walked out, leaving Killian back in the darkness that somehow felt heavier, more terrifying than before.