#i remind her abt this once every month btw
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thinking about the time a friend was studying for her history exams with me, read the part about what countries her home country colonised and then looks at me and mouths âsorry for what my people didâ
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trolley problem
in which fem!reader has been gambling with her life and spencer reid is more than a little concerned
flangst, hurt/comfort warnings/tags: passive suicidal ideation from reader, she keeps risking her life, that really grinds Spencerâs gears, established relationship, existential dread, existential euphoria, lots of stuff about grief and death and self worth, not advocating for this, pretension from the author, blasphemy probably?, reader gets fuzzy from prescribed painkillers, arguing, hospital stuff, mention of sleep paralysis involving spiders, reader gets shot but sheâs fineee, I pander to intro to philosophy takers, bau!reader, neurodivergent coded reader, if sheâs not exactly like you Iâm sorry, bean soup a/n: one day youâre in a writing slump literally the next you are in your notes app for six hours writing whatever the fuck this is but I think I love it even tho itâs weird and I hope u like it too!! btw this was gonna be called cotard's syndrome but then I never once talk abt cotard's but if u care that might be interesting context for the motif of not feeling human/alive, WC 3K
Spencer hasnât spoken to you since the doctor left the room five minutes ago.Â
The air is antiseptic as you take it deep into the hollows of your lungs and trap it there for a moment, trying to optimize oxygen intake without actually having to breathe very often. Hospital smell is as universal as it is suffocating. It reeks of everything but deathâflowers, blood, bleach, vomit. A humiliating, desperate scramble to defy the very thing that defines mortality. Itâs pathetic. It reminds you of the worst instances of failure and loss and denial in your life. It curdles your blood. Literally rots you from the inside out.Â
Youâve had ample time to ponder that smell over the last few months because you keep ending up here, and some time ago you decided the institution of the hospital is inherently absurd. Itâs stupid to think you could avoid the one absolute condition on your corporeal form: impermanence. It is the only thing that is promised, and people still waste their lives away running from it. It is the ultimate self-fulfilling prophecy.Â
So around the time you acknowledged that hospitals are simply monuments to the self-importance of man, you gave up on trying too hard to preserve yourself. Youâve seen death too much and too often. Youâve tried staving it off with prayer and the miracles of modern medicine, and it never matters in the end because itâs all magical thinking anyway. All the wallowing and the bargaining and pleading never got you anywhere.Â
Youâve accepted that from the moment you were born, you were marked for death.Â
But youâre not a complete nihilist. Youâre not even totally resigned to the abject certainty of deathâbecause youâve found a loophole.
Everyone has as many chances at escaping death as other people are willing to offer them at the cost of their own lives. Not many people are willing to make that tradeâsomeone elseâs life for their ownâbut youâve decided you are. Because if not you, then who?
Itâs not that you donât see the value in your own life, as Spencer keeps making it sound. Itâs just the opposite. You understand that youâve got an extremely valuable resource, and you donât just have to sit on it. There are things you can do. Choices you can make. Ways to defy death.Â
Just⊠not yours.Â
Or maybe youâre just in deep denial.Â
Either wayâthis is a philosophy your boyfriend intentionally refuses to understand. He gets mad, or some kind of upset, every time you try to explain it. Usually he ends up leaving the room close to tears. You never feel good about it.
Right now heâs presumably trying to give you the silent treatment and not doing a very good job.Â
âStop holding your breath. Why are youâstop that.â
Spencerâs frowning, skin sallow and milk-blue under fluorescent lighting. Purple seeps from around his eyes like spilled wine on a white table cloth. Your stomach turns.Â
âSorry.â
He doesnât tell you not to apologize. You donât expect him to.Â
âWhy are you doing that? Does something hurt?â
Other than your entire bicep being on fire due to the 9 millimeter Luger it recently came into contact with?
âNot really. I just donât like the smell of hospitals.â
At that, he gets stony again. Like, Medusa stony. You feel a tightening in your chest that has nothing to do with a lack of air. His arms are crossed. A silk lined blazer drapes over your lap, and you wonder if heâs cold in just that white button up. Itâs translucent in this light, like onion skin, or maybe something less organicâthe folds and wrinkles look like fabric, but lots of things look like something they arenât. In the PietĂĄ, Jesus lounges dead on his motherâs lap, his cheek pressed to her arm like either of them have warm flesh, and her skirts drape from her knees and fall to the ground in delicate folds just like Spencerâs jacket and looking at pictures of it you swear you could find comfort there tooâbut if you wanted to make space for yourself next to Jesus youâd have to do it with a chisel and mallet. Youâre starting to think thatâs what itâs going to take with Spencer, as well.Â
âSo stop walking into active gunfire. Youâll spend a lot less time here.â
Every deep sigh (of which there have been several) calcifies you further. Ironically, you never feel less alive than you do in a hospital.Â
âI didnât walk into active gââ
âIâm not debating it with you. Itâs not a discussion.â
âSo youâre just going to be pissed at me for the rest of forever? I mean, if itâs not a discussionâwhat are you gonna do? Break up with me?â
You feel yourself dripping poison in the well. Even as you say it. As his head tilts toward you slowly and intently from his spot against the wall, and his warning gaze is cold and unforgiving and weighs 3.35 tons.
âDonât.â
âDonât what? Talk?â
âDonât try and manipulate me by implying that there are no options between permissiveness and dumping you!â
âIâm not manipulating you. And I donât need your permission to do anything.âÂ
The first part is an incredulous scoff as well as a blatant lie. You are manipulating him. Chisel and all. At least, you were trying to. It clearly doesnât work very well. His jaw clenches. Â
âIs this worth it to you? Fighting with me like weâre children solely so you donât have to take accountability?â
âAccountability for what? I made a choice. I donât regret it. Youâre upset because I did my job.â
A beat.Â
Silence always makes you feel the gravity of your words.Â
âDo you believe that?â
His voice softens so much, so quickly, it splinters down the middle.Â
Youâve never been known for your light touch. For someone who sees eviscerated bodies nearly every day, and prides herself on her evolved understanding of mortality, you often forget other people are not, in fact, impenetrable marbleâthey are flesh and blood and bone, and youâve splattered yourself in the evidence of that.Â
âWhat?â You murmur. You easily turn timid, when youâre afraid youâve been too heavy-handed. Spencerâs seen you sob over the birds who hit the windowpane and never reappeared from the shrubberyâtheir delicate wings, their little beaksâhe didnât mean to, Spencer, and now heâs dead! Heâs seen you spend forty minutes catching a spider with a cup and an envelope rather than smush it, even though you have reoccurring episodes of sleep paralysis wherein a giant arachnid is sitting on your chest, hissing and clacking its pincers. He knows you are, at your core, kind and good.Â
Itâs a little scary for someone to know that about you. Itâs a little scary when you see your own vulnerability reflected in their eyes and the way they speak to you, the way you see it in him now.Â
âDo you believe that the choices you make regarding your safety donât concern me at all?â
âTheyâre⊠my choices to make,â you whisper, but youâre less sure than you were a minute ago.Â
âIâm not talking about thatâIâm talking about how it feels like you are trying to kill yourself every time weâre in the field.â His voice shakes. You swallow. âYou have been hospitalized for four serious injuries sustained on the job in the past five months. Every time I bring it up, youâyou talk about life like itâs optional for you. Like youâre not only willing to give it up but are actively looking to throw yourself in harmâs way every chance you get. You think that doesnât terrify me?â
Thereâs a small chip in the paint on the wall next to him roughly the shape of Africa.Â
âItâs not like that. Iâm⊠Iâm just having an unlucky streak.â
He snaps.Â
âLuck isnât going to get between you and a bullet. Ever.â
âItâs my job, Spencer.â
âNo. It is a risk of the job. Not a defining feature or requirement. But you keep running toward gunfire like you have a quota to meet.â
âSpencer, Iâm not doing it at you. Iâm not trying to get myself hurt.â
âWell it doesnât really feel like youâre trying to avoid it, either,â he shoots back immediately, and you feel the anguish radiating from him until it lodges in your own chest, like it was always yours. Maybe it was.Â
You want to make it better, but you donât know how, and even if you did, heâs pushing off the wall and crossing the room toward the door.Â
âWhere are you going?â You call, a little too desperately for your liking.Â
âYou need to eat something.â
Which translates roughly to heâs pissed and upset and he needs to leave the room. Youâve done this song and dance before.Â
However, food and an absence of him are contenders for the absolute last two things you want right now.Â
âSpencer, please donâtââ
But the door is already whooshing closed.Â
You stare at the grey and white checkered floor. Light bounces off the waxen reflectionâsome sort of parallel universe you canât reach, perhaps. The whole room is desaturated. A mechanical humming threatens to drive you insane. It doesnât feel like a place for living humans. Youâre not convinced you are one.Â
When he comes back, maybe ten minutes later, nothingâs moved at all. In fact youâre not even sure youâve been breathing.Â
The door closes as quietly as it opens.Â
This time, wordlessly, Spencer comes to you. You see his shoes firstâhis serious adult shoes. You wish he was wearing his Converse.Â
Then you see the bottle of apple juice heâs cracking open for you. Blue lid. Same kind you always get.Â
âYou didnât bring food.â
âYou wouldnât have eaten it.â
Fair enough.Â
You take the bottle with your good arm and sip shallowlyâall that adrenaline and the subsequent interpersonal strife has left you nauseous. The drink is too sweet. It clashes with the tang of metal in your mouth.Â
Still, you drink enough to satisfy him, and then youâre tossing his jacket aside before balancing the bottle between your thighs so you can screw the lid back on. He doesnât go back to the couch or his spot on the wall.Â
Spencer doesnât pull away when you lean into him, but it does take him a moment to reciprocate. Youâre still grateful all the same when he cradles the back of your head to his stomach like youâre made of porcelain.Â
âI donât think you understand how upset I am,â he says quietly.Â
Only Spencer Reid could be furious with you and still hold you like this.Â
âIâm sorry,â you murmur.Â
âThatâs not good enough. You need to stop risking your life like that.â
He doesnât get it. Your brows flutter as they try to furrow but even holding that expression saps you. Maybe the pain meds are finally kicking in.Â
âI just wanna help people.â
âThat doesnât explain to me or justify your urge to do it at the cost of your own life. We all want to help people, angel. The whole team. Thatâs why we do what we do. But we donât run into shootouts. We donât split off and provoke people with guns when weâre unarmed and unprepared.â
âBut it worked. She got away.â You feel a spark of fulfillment at the memory of Gloria Sanchez in JJâs arms just before the ambulance doors had slammed you into your first cage of the night.Â
âWe donât know if he was going to kill her. He might notâve fired at all if you didnât go running toward him. That wasnât strategic, it was reckless and irresponsible and you know that. I know you do. So something else is going on.â
The pressure in your nose that usually precipitates tears comes as a surprise.Â
âI justâif thatâs how I can save someone, why shouldnât I, you know? Why do they have less of a right to live than I do just because theyâve been deprived of the choice? If I have a choice, and they donât, I should choose to⊠to help them. Thatâs my job.â
For a long moment, you listen to your own breath, muffled by Spencerâs shirt, and the mechanical humming, and something dripping, and the low, buzzy chatter of nurses far down the hallway.
When Spencer next speaks you get the sense heâs holding a lot back. His voice is taut enough it wavers slightly. Taut enough that if he werenât speaking so quietly he might be yelling. Itâs like pinpricks all over your bodyânot enough to hurt, but enough to make sure youâre paying attention.Â
âYou canât help anyone if youâre dead. Do you understand me?â
And yes, in theory, you do. But that doesnât negate your original point. It only takes one life or death moment for you to utilize the most valuable resource you have. What happens after is no longer your concern.Â
âOn the psych evals you helped develop it asks if you think itâs appropriate to sacrifice the one to save the many. The answer is supposed to be no. If you say yes you get flagged. The FBI frowns upon⊠lever-pullers. And thatâs exactly what Iâm doing if I let one person die when I couldâve potentially saved them.â
âProtecting your own life is not pulling the lever. What youâre doing isnât smart or morally righteous. Youâre just throwing yourself across the tracks, too. If you were to fail a psych eval right now it would be because youâre passively suicidal. And you know what? The FBI also tends to frown upon self-immolative delusions of grandeur and girls who like to play sacrificial lamb.â
ââM not a⊠sacrificial lambâŠâ
âNo,â Spencer agrees quietly, stroking your hair. âYouâre not.â
And you canât react to the fragility in his voice, or the content of his words, and the fact that when he says it he means something differentâyou canât do anything about it. You can only catalogue it. You can only know that he loves you, and feel a little guilty about it.
Some time passes. You donât know how long he remains standing so you can doze against him. He does not smell like the hospital. Heâs the antidote for whatever grief they distill from widows and orphans before aerosolizing it through the whole place.Â
âBaby?â He asks eventually. You know the lilt of it. Heâs been thinking.Â
âHm?â
He hesitates.Â
âCan we talk about you maybe taking some time off of work?â
âYou heard the boss,â you mumble. âI canât come in for at least a week.â
âI mean beyond that.â
You intend to respond, but by the time you open your mouth youâve lost the prompt in all the brain fog.Â
âYouâre so comfy,â you murmur dreamily. âThank you for being mad at me.â
If he responds, you miss it.Â
Youâre imagining the bed waiting for you at home, once the doctor is done observing youâwarm, neatly made. Blankets woven with soft fibers. A mattress that will sink under your weight. You think of Spencer, whoâs shaping himself to you, Spencer, who intentionally inhales when you exhale at night to make room for the rise and fall of your chest against his. You think of the imprint of his buttons on your cheek. You are both flesh and blood and bone.Â
Strange, pill-induced half dreams and visions and memories take over. Youâre in that alleyway again. That man fires. You donât blink or scream or feel.Â
Just before the bullet makes contact youâre standing in front of the PietĂĄ. Itâs massive. Spencer is there, too, holding your hand.Â
You canât actually see him, only, you know heâs there. You feel his warmth, his presence, when he leans over to whisper in your ear. The way you know him goes beyond sight.Â
The PietĂĄâmeaning the pity, in Englishâis 6â7â and six feet wide. It weighs 6,700 pounds. Michelangelo had to quarry the block of marble himself. He was only 25 when he finished. The Basilica keeps it behind bulletproof glass.Â
Jesus and Mary behind bullet proof glass.Â
God. Whoâd try to kill Jesus a third time? Heâs already dead.Â
Besidesâtheyâre both made of stone. Bullets would probably just ping right off of them. Or maybe theyâd shatter just like you did.Â
Probably not though. Youâre not actually made of marble. Youâve no idea what it feels like to be a statue and get shot at. You sure know how it feels as a human, thoughâand it feels like shit. You donât really know why you keep doing it. None of your reasons are good enough for Spencer, and heâs, generally speaking, pretty smart about some things.Â
Maybe youâre tired of being human.
Maybe youâre tired of sleeping on your arm funny and waking up to a hand in your bed that doesnât feel like yours and remembering all the hands youâve held moments before they couldnât hold yours back. Or tired of those moments where you are being held and itâs so unbelievably perfect and then someone has to let go, or when someone you love hugs you goodbye and you realize that there will always be a final I love you, or simply getting older and watching potential life paths fall away like rotten fruit to the ground. Maybe life is sometimes so good it hurts and you canât bear it. So you tempt fate. You walk a tightrope because even if you fall and it canât ever feel good againâat least it canât hurt either. At least you wonât lose anymore.Â
And yet.Â
It does feel good, sometimes. Sort of often, actually. Even when itâs awful.Â
Dead Jesus and Mary, with their marble skin and their bulletproof glass and their holiness and their virginity and all the other things they have that you donât. Nobody can hurt them anymore. Not ever.Â
Maybe thatâs something you envy.
But you doubt theyâve ever been so terribly, wonderfully alive as youâve been, or as comfortable as you are like this, leaning into Spencerâs warmth and his softness, in the hospital, or the Vatican, or your dreams. Your bicep was ruined but itâs healing. You are capable of ruin and rebirth in the same lifetime. In the same day, in the same hour.Â
You doubt that in 520 years, behind bulletproof glass and unyielding, eternally flawless skin, theyâve ever felt as invincible as you do now.Â
You doubt they ever could.Â
#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid fic#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x fem!reader#spencer reid x y/n#spencer reid x you#spencer reid angst#spencer reid fluff#spencer reid#criminal minds x reader#criminal minds imagine#criminal minds fic#criminal minds fanfic
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Do you have any hcs abt Last Legacy modern au?
Sorry for the wait! I just write very slow đ„șđ btw I am still writing other requests! I'll post them as soon as I finish writing âšđđ And YES I still take requestsđđđ
Lol btw I haven't played the catboy Felix tale yet but found his delicious CG. Also, there might be typos etc. My dyslexia was a hoe for the last couple of days (_
Last Legacy Modern Au Headcanons
Sage
Lmao the first time you went to his place you faced with an ancient-looking old computer that he found in a garage sale
"It still works"
"Sage with its monitor alone you can heat your entire house in winter"
"Aye, but I don't have to use that to get heated if you catch my drift."
Let me give you a concept: thrift store dates
You took him to a thrift store once and thought it might be fun
But at the moment you entered the store Sage found a damn fake fur jacket and gold sunglasses
He will buy anything with a famous brand logo and say it is original and is an antique
But he'll only do that to annoy people
Mostly.
Sage cares about his looks but doesn't go crazy about it
Before dating you he just lived his life like a street kid like in cyberpunk 2077
Sage and Tulsi grew up in slums and then Sage got an apartment so that Tulsi could grow up in a safe environment
He didn't go to college but made sure that Tulsi did
Sage basically works as a mercenary in the modern au as well
He travels a lot and has to disappear for a looong long time
Tulsi is used to it but you aren't
Once you two are in a relationship and he feels ready to settle down he might get a job closeby to your shared house
You made him realize that he needs his family around him
And now he is not alone to carry all the burden by himself
He knows that if he can't make it in time you will be there to help out Tulsi or take care of all the work for him
He feels lighter around you
Also, he makes many people jealous on the streets lol
Whenever you two are on a date no one can believe that you, a literal divine being, could look at a Boku no pico catboy maid-sama man like him.
He is also jealous of you
But never possessive
He likes to send you out of context memes in the worst possible times ever
Like you got Luigi and Mario animations, doing the waltz, with the Britney Spears' Toxic song during the busiest hour of your shift
He also texted "This us"
The audacity
Sage would also LOVE video games
Especially Final Fantasy games
But he suck at playing them so he makes you play instead
And he'll give instructions too
"I saw a checkpoint in the other room babe,"
"Love, I gotta run away from the boss right now."
"It's not the boss, bosses have their boss rooms. This is an obstacle"
Sage also suck at filing taxes
So good luck with that
I can see Sage having PTSD treatments because of his traumatized childhood and the life he had to live until now after settling down with you
You convinced him to go to therapy and Tulsi backed you up
So he will take medications every day
At first, you had to remind him a lot, but then he just made it an addiction and now doesn't need reminders
He was never happier and finally had a taste of a healthy and caring relationship with you
He is also not so terrible with putting the IKEA furniture together.
Felix
He got expelled from Harvard.
Then his rich father had to convince the headmaster to reconsider the decision and Felix ended up with suspension instead smh
Felix's grades are great but he has disciplinary issues
I can see him majoring in criminal justice and mortuary science
Or maybe just mortuary science
Escell was very disappointed in him.
He is also famous for dating with the valedictorian among Harvard graduates
Then they broke up and you yeeted yourself in his life
Or he yeeted himself to your arms
He literally dramatically fell one day and you happened to be close to catch him
Then the Titanic music played in the background with the slow summer rain fell down to your heads
You are hot so he was flustered
Like he internally screamed when he fell in your arms
Or shall I say fell in love?
You two then started as friends since not too later he found out that he might actually have a chance with you after you mentioned your love of video games and romance books
After starting to date he confessed that he has an AO3 account asddgf
Rime was a burden too
He was the one who broke Felix's heart
But still wanted him to only love him and him alone
Then you were like
"Hoe listen to me..."
Rime hot
But no
Felix cried until morning the day you fist fought Rime in the grocery store parking lot
AAHGDHFA
Scylla secretly approved your determination that day and watched the fight afar
Escell got drunk and Florian came home the day after for everyone's explanations
The deeper your relationship got the more a part of his family you become
I mean every Friday it was now a routine that Felix and you attended family dinner
No one even asks anymore they just put your plate down and Escell hides his most expensive wine bottles from everyone
Felix is not good to live in his own house though
He always lived with someone in the house so he wasn't alone
Ever.
When you moved into the same house with him Felix was relieved
You two will be emos together and watch fifty shades of grey movies during the quarantine
Please ask Felix if he thinks the movie is interesting, he will avoid you all day long
Then become a blanket burrito at night lmao
Oh btw he might tell you random facts about mortuary
Like you are in the shower and he comes in to brush his teeth
Then he'll tell you a fact you didn't have to know then leave
"Truly fascinating, if you ask me."
He is also the type to text you from the other side of the room
Or call you from the other room to ask you if you can bring him something to eat
Felix would also love to go to the farmers' market too
"Finally some quality food."
Whenever you two go on a vacation together
lmao someone ALWAYS takes his hand and reads his palm
Only to be ended up getting scolded and getting a proper palm reading from Felix
Anisa
Call her and ask if she wants drive tru
"Love, it is thREE IN THE MORNING, I have work tomorrow-"
"So two? Or nah?"
"Get a coffee."
Actually, she wants a cookie but won't admit it
She knows you'll get her a cookie
You always get her a cookie with coffee
Anisa might be a great investigator if you ask me
If not a detective or a police chief or lieutenant
But I think she would work in law enforcement
Or she might also start her own company and rise as well
Unlike Sage and Felix, Anisa will not live in the same house with you before she decides to settle down for good
It's not because she doesn't want you around her
But because she is always at work and doesn't want to leave everything to you to handle at home
But she is always with you on her day offs
Will call you once a day at least
Text you during her breaks or whenever she can
If you can show up at her workplace during the lunch break she will take you to the nearest coffee shop
"Their coffee is not nearly as good as yours, but among other shops, this is the most drinkable one."
She will spoil you during your dates!
She likes to see you smile and will do anything for you to have a good time with her
So expect sweets, movie nights, amusement park dates, or just traveling during both of your yearly week/month offs/breaks
She won't admit it but likes it when you try to match your clothes with hers
She will know your favorite everythings lol
Take her to a dinner date and she will be so happy and feel spoiled
She will let you paint her nails
Let you get all the hot water in the shower
Will let you wear her clothes
Pillow fights are allowed every now and then
When she gets sick she'll try to power through but likes it when you baby her
Whenever you get sick she will try to not fuss over you but every 15 minutes she'll ask to take you to see a doctor
She is a cereal gal
You might have to drag her to bed many nights because she will take work at home
Oh my god, do play dungeons and dragons with her
If you visited somewhere she has never been she will ask a lot of questions about your trip
Likes to binge a tv series you two found online
Also enjoys just silent but comfortable moments with you
When you read your book she will gaze at you
All heart eyes
Will put her favorite picture of you two as her profile picture in her social media accounts
Will like your every post
ALWAYS TEXTS BACK TO YOU. ALWAYS.
Never leaves you on read/seen
She will either give you a proper text or just let you know that she is busy at the moment
Also if you come home later than her she will ask if you want her to prepare anything special you want for dinner
otherwise, she'll do dishes that you both like anyway
If she is late, she'll call you to ask if you need anything from the grocery store, etc.
#last legacy#felix escellun#fictif last legacy#fictif games#sage lesath#fictif#fictif felix#fictif sage#sage last legacy#felix iskandar escellun#felix headcanons#last legacy sage headcanons#sage lesath headcanons#anisa headcanons#anisa anka headcanons#last legacy headcanons#some writing
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someone will ache for your soul // np
warning; a lot of language iâm sry, argument btw best friends, talks abt a shitty ex bf but thereâs nothing explicit
summary; in a world where you acquire tattoos across various parts of your body once you fall in love with someone, you have to hide yours from your best friend.Â
word count; 6.7k+
a/n: kind of a soulmate au but not really i guess? i saw this prompt somewhere online and idk where itâs from so the general idea of gaining tattoos from those you fall in love with is not mine but the rest of the fic is. okay thx bye(:
add yourself to my nhl taglist!
When you were younger, you loved it. You loved looking down at your ankle and seeing the small butterfly just beside your ankle. Youâd had it your whole life, though you still werenât entirely sure how a tattoo grew up with you, but you accepted it. After all, itâs all that you knew.Â
Everybodyâs born with a tattoo on their ankle, a small tattoo that has theirselves embedded into it. However, the older you get the more you realize that itâs not the tattoo youâre born with that makes the biggest impact on you, itâs othersâ. Every time you fall in love with somebody, your skin makes room for their tattoo on it. Your momâs tattoo, a small star on her left ankle, shined bright from its place on your fatherâs wrist, somehow separate from the couple tattoos he collected over the years.Â
You remember the day you found out about the tattoos, perched in your momâs lap and listening to her talk to your aunt about it. You remember tracing their tattoos with your small fingers while they told you various stories about their loves and how they grew up collecting tattoos on their skin. You were scared, asked your mom what happened if you never got any more than your single tattoo on your ankle. She told you that you would, that anybody would be lucky to collect your small butterfly somewhere on their body.Â
You remember the day you got your second tattoo, the paper plane that sat on the back of your left shoulder that now held the role as a painful reminder of your first love. You loved Cory, but the time for the two of you had come and gone. The paper airplane, though never in your line of sight, was still a painful reminder of the times you shared with the boy and how he broke your heart at the end of it all just before moving to college.Â
You had to go through senior year alone, newly broken up with and with your best friend hours away from home. You couldnât blame Nolan, not when he was out doing the thing he loved so much. Being in Brandon was good for him, it was all that he wanted, and it wasnât all that far away from Winnipeg anyways. You still drove out to see Nolanâs games, even if it ran up the miles on your car and had you spending late nights driving back home by yourself. You wouldâve done anything for Nolan, and it truly showed during your senior year.Â
Nolanâs draft day was a rude awakening for you. You jumped up when his name was called, hugging him as tight as you possibly could before hiding your giddy expression behind your hands. You were excited for him, even if he was going all the way out to Philadelphia. You wanted him to be happy, and you could tell within seconds of his name being called that he was going to do just fine in Philly.Â
You didnât notice until you got home and your heart sank into your stomach. Your adrenaline high had worn off, and the reality of everything around you began to sink in. You knew what it was the second you laid your eyes on it, black lines etched into the skin of your sternum. You thought it was an odd placement, though it was hard to miss it when you stepped out of the shower and it stood tall and proud and ready to be found.Â
You knew what it was, youâd seen the shape etched into Nolanâs ankle far more times than you could count. It mocked you, the snake coiled up the same way your memory sketched it out in your brain, and now it was imprinted perfectly into your skin. You touched it, rubbed it, tried to wash it off. You had just taken a shower, just washed the day off of you and down the drain and now you were standing in the middle of a hotel bathroom, rubbing at the spot between your breasts mercilessly. This couldnât be happening, not to you, not when Nolan was about to move thousands of miles away from you.Â
But it was happening, because the black line that followed no real pattern never faded, despite the skin around it turning raw from your insistent attempts at washing it off. It was here to stay, no matter what happened in your life down the road. It didnât matter that you had no heads up, no warning that you were falling head over heels in love with your best friend.Â
You knew it wouldnât wash off, but that didnât stop you from trying. These tattoos were forever, you knew that. You learned from a ripe, young age about obtaining your loveâs tattoo. You learned about it growing up, you talked about it with friends and family, hell this wasnât even your first tattoo that wasnât your own. You knew the drill, you knew the routine, but that didnât make it any easier to deal with.Â
You were 18, watching him sign contracts and make agreements of his big move in a few short weeks. You couldnât believe it, that you were losing him in a time like this. It made dropping him off at the airport all that much harder, cheeks wet and eyes bloodshot as you clung to him for dear life. You knew his parents wanted to say bye, that his sisters were waiting patiently while you cried into his shoulder, but you couldnât let go.
He didnât know about the snake on your sternum, nor did you plan on telling him. You couldnât drop a bomb like that on him just before he moved to a different country, finally living out the dream heâd had ever since you could remember. Nolan wasnât Nolan without hockey, and you were aware of that. You were painfully aware of that.Â
So you didnât tell him.Â
You spent too many nights curled up in your bed, clinging to your pillow to muffle the whimpers and whines that pushed through your lips and out into the air. You tried to ignore the sinking feeling in your chest at any given moment, and you did everything in your power to keep everything under wraps. You couldnât tell anyone, no matter how bad it hurt to be in love with your best friend that now lived so far away from you.Â
It was hard, hiding it. You had to hide it from your family and friends, and sometimes that was easy. During the cold months you were seemingly off the hook, but when summer rolled around and your friends dragged you out to the lake every chance they got, you were in a bit of trouble. You had to carefully choose what bathing suits you wore and had to make sure nothing slipped or faltered throughout the day.Â
Youâd made it three years without a slip up. Even on nights when Nolan came home and you were mere inches away from him, you couldnât find it in you to tell him. Even when he was curled up into your side and holding you against his chest in the most comfortable way, you couldnât say anything. You couldnât make a move on him.Â
And now you were in Philly, standing in an arena that had you shivering but smiling brightly from the opposite side of the glass. You smiled every time Nolan skated by, even more when he assisted Travis in the first goal of the game and scored one of his own late in the second period. You were buzzing, adrenaline pumping and excitement shining deep in your chest. Watching Nolan do what he loved would never get old, not when the smile he wore was enough to wash away any fear or worry youâve ever had.Â
You remember nights when you couldnât sleep and Nolan would hold you. You remembered nights when you were crying over the phone to him and he snuck out of his room and into your own. You remembered fights you had and the way he made you walk home one night after one of your bigger ones.Â
You were walking out of TIm Hortonâs, mere feet away from Nolanâs car before you tumbled into an argument youâd been trying to avoid for a few days now. You were dating Cory at the time, and Nolan couldnât believe you were telling him that you couldnât go to his game on Friday night, regardless of the fact that youâd promised him for weeks now that youâd be there. It was hard for you to catch games during the week, but this one was on a Friday night with plenty of time for you to finish the school day and drive over to Brandon.Â
But now you were telling him that you couldnât go, and no matter how sorry you were, Nolan couldnât forgive you. He said youâd blown him off for Cory more times than he could accept anymore. You had to call your sister, figuring she was the only one that would pick you up and give you a ride home without threatening to leave you in the parking lot in favor of beating Nolan to a pulp.Â
None of that mattered though. None of it mattered when you were faced with the boy youâd fallen in love with doing the thing he cherished most. When he left the locker room with a smile brighter than any of his teammates had seen in a long time that was directed straight at you, you knew none of it mattered.Â
Your feet left the ground, hanging in the air while your best friend clung to your frame tightly. He thanked you for coming, told you that he scored the goal just for you, that he scored every goal for you. You figured it was the adrenaline talking, that he was just basking in the big win against their biggest rivals. That plus the fact that Nolan could barely come to terms with the fact that you were here all for him.Â
Youâd been in Philly before, had visited Nolan a few times over his years with the Flyers. Youâd met practically everyone there was to meet and had gotten fairly close with his closest friends by default, seeing as they were always around when you were. Everything was going well this time around, everyone was having fun and getting along and it almost seemed like nothing could fall out of place.Â
You were standing in the kitchen with Nolan and Travis when Nolanâs name was called, beckoning him out into the rest of the house while you and Travis rallied drinks for the group. He tried to ignore them, tried to help you pile up on wine and beers for the rest of the group but Travis practically kicked him out of the kitchen. Travis said he could help you, that the two of you didnât need Nolanâs help and that someone else clearly did.Â
It took all of five minutes for Travis to spill red wine all over your shirt. Thankfully for him, the few glasses youâd thrown back throughout the night washed over any sense of anger or annoyance youâd usually pick up and you simply laughed it off. He felt so bad, begged you to forgive him and let you buy him a new shirt, but all you did was insist that he find you a new one for now and that you could figure out the rest of it when the two of you werenât tipsy and surrounded by your friends.Â
Travis ducked out of the kitchen for a second before turning back up and leading you into a hallway on the other end of the house. He told you that Claude never really let them wander his house without a little supervision, claiming that they break everything that they touch, but this was a special case. Claude loved you, and he wasnât going to let you walk around with a wine stained shirt for the rest of the night, especially when itâs Travisâs fault in the first place.Â
You laid back on the bed in the room you were unfamiliar with, smiling up at the ceiling and humming to yourself while Travis dug through Claudeâs closet.Â
âI know Ryanne has a stack of those shirts somewhere.â he spoke gently to himself, refraining from throwing clothes all over the room and instead digging for one through multiple piles. You laughed to yourself, not even sure if he knew that you could hear him.Â
âJust pick one, Teeks!â he huffed and chucked one at you, laughing loudly when it landed directly on your face.Â
You whined and sat up, reaching for the hem of your shirt without much thought surrounding the subject before peeling it off. All you could think about was how sticky your stomach had gotten from the red spot.Â
It was the small gasp that got you, the one that brought you back down to Earth and tore you out of your wine-induced haze. It was Travisâs eyes locked in on the spot in the middle of your chest that triggered every panic siren in between your ears.Â
âIs that-â
âTK you canât tell him.â you rushed out, pushing yourself to stand up as you pressed a bright orange Flyers shirt against your chest. Your hands were shaking, and Travisâs eyes were glued to the spot of the tattoo even without being able to see it anymore. He knew what that snake was, he knew it all too well. Heâd known Nolan for a long time now, and heâd seen the snake enough times to commit it to memory.Â
He was sure you had Nolanâs snake in the middle of your chest, and now Travis knew you were in love with Nolan.Â
âTrav, Iâm serious.â he shook his head, trying to clear himself of the intrusive thoughts and nodded gently. He couldnât tell Nolan. He wasnât entirely sure how he was going to keep that from him, especially when he had been looking for your tattoo on Nolanâs skin for years now.Â
Travis wasnât dense. He saw the way that Nolan looked at you, heard the tone he used when he talked about you. He saw how excited Nolan got when he knew you were about to fly into Philly, and he saw how upset Nolan got when you left. He might not have been the brightest bulb in the box, but he knew that there was something lying under the surface of you and Nolanâs friendship.Â
He tried to have this conversation before, had tried more times than he could count at this point. The only difference now was that there was hard proof, there was evidence that he was right all along. But now he couldnât use that evidence, not when you were looking at him with wide eyes and begging him to keep it between the two of you.Â
âFine, but weâre talking about this before you go back home.â you nodded, figuring that it was good enough for you if it meant he never told Nolan about it.Â
Except, there was one small problem.
The door swung open, dark and narrowed eyes landing on you and Travis, less than a foot between the two of you with you topless, a single shirt held between your hands and in front of your chest.Â
âMy best friend?â the disappointment in his voice tugged at your heart and punched you in the gut simultaneously. The guilt hanging in your chest was barely justified, given this was one large misunderstanding, but the look on Nolanâs face was enough to have your shoulders falling.Â
âNolan, itâs not-â
âMy best fucking friend? Of all people you had to choose him?â his eyes were wide and glued to yours, anger mixing with disgust in the back of his mind. He couldnât believe youâd do this to him.Â
âPat, you donât understand-âÂ
âFuck you.â Nolan spoke slowly and clearly, shooting Travis the sharpest glare he could produce. His voice sent a chill down your spine, unsure if you had ever heard him speak with such malice. âBoth of you.âÂ
Nolan spun on the balls of his feet and left the room, but you didnât let him get far before you were following him. You tugged the shirt over your head, not even bothering to turn back to Travis to apologize before you were running after Nolan, calling his name down the hallway.Â
âNolan, please-â
âI donât want to hear it, honestly.â he threw over his shoulder, but you werenât accepting that. You werenât going to let him walk away right now, not when you didnât do anything wrong.Â
âJust listen to me!â you stopped walking, stopped running. You stood in the middle of a hallway that had pictures lining the walls around you. Smiling faces and cheery laughs suffocated you in a time where you stood toe to toe with your best friend, the same one who was looking down at you like heâd never known you. âYou donât get to assume things and just walk away!â
âYeah, well you donât get to come out here after not seeing me for six months and sleep with my best friend! You donât get to do that to me! You donât get to use me to sleep with professional athletes.â any words you had swimming through your mind halted at his accusation. They fizzled out, unable to produce a coherent thought after you heard your best friend accuse you of using him.Â
âAfter all this time, you think iâm using you? You think that I came here to sleep with Travis?âÂ
âYou want to know what I think? I think youâve always used me. You used me to escape your awful boyfriend in high school and you used me to leave home when things got bad. You used me to get over your shitty boyfriend when he left you in the fucking dust and here you are now, using me to sleep with my best fucking friend.â you were in shock, lips parted and throat constricting as you tried to let his words sit.Â
âIf you wanted to whore yourself out to NHL players, you shouldâve just said so, puck bunny.â The nickname weighed heavily in your chest, bringing you back to a time where Nolan went on and on about how much puck bunnies got under his skin. It brought you back to a time when Nolan would never call you that, would never even put you and the name in the same conversation.
âPatty!â Nolanâs eyes left yours, casting over your shoulder and locking with another pair that he might have been more furious at. Sure, he was angry at you. He couldnât believe youâd do something like this, not after growing up with him just a few houses down. He couldnât believe youâd stoop this low, but Travis? Travis knew how Nolan felt about you. Even if he didnât admit it, even if heâd never say that was all true, Travis knew. He knew better than anyone how Nolan felt, and that made it all the more worse.Â
âDonât talk to her like that.â you bit down on your bottom lip, hard enough to sting slightly but you couldnât look away from where your eye level left you. You couldnât look up at Nolan, not when he was this angry at you, and you surely couldnât look at Travis. You knew thatâd only make things worse.Â
âNow you get to tell me how to talk to her? Does that mean the two of you are a thing now? Thatâs funny, seeing as you have a girlfriend, Teeks. Didnât know you were into home wrecking, y/n.â
âFuck you.â you spoke softly, not even sure if he had heard you before he looked down at you with a puzzled look stretched across his face.Â
âSo I can pick up TKâs sloppy seconds? No thanks, angel.â you shoved him then, shoved him hard. He didnât move much due to the way his feet dug into the ground and he had muscle on you, but you got your point across by the force delivered to his chest.Â
âYouâre a dick, you know that? You walk into a room and think you know everything thatâs going on, but you donât, okay? You donât know what happens when youâre gone. You donât know what happened in there or what happens at home when youâre here. You donât know anything, okay?âÂ
âThatâs bold, given that I just walked in on you topless, seconds away from kissing my best friend, y/n-â
âIs there a reason you feel the need to keep reminding me that Travis is your best friend?â
âBecause I need you to know that youâre not.âÂ
The world titled on its axis then, the rude awakening youâd walked into becoming all too much for you to handle. With the realization that Nolan wanted nothing to do with you, you nodded once and walked around him so you could leave. It was only then that you noticed the audience youâd gathered, the better half of the Flyers roster circled around the room with a few of their significant others. You flashed everyone a pained smile and thanked Claude and Ryanne for inviting you before leaving the house.Â
You werenât even down the driveway when your lungs gave way, gasping for air while tears streamed down your cheeks. Your heart hurt and your stomach turned, and you knew it was going to be a long night.Â
âYou really are a dick.â Travis was going to walk past him, was going to avoid the lot of people and follow you outside. He knew you didnât know where you were, nor did you have a way to get to or from anywhere else. You could order an uber to Nolanâs, but then what? Kevin might let you into the apartment but where would you stay? On the couch in a living room you werenât welcome in? Not likely.Â
âIâm the dick? You know how I feel about her!â
âNothing happened!â
âBullshit, TK! I know that look on your face and I know that she sure as hell looked embarrassed-â
âI spilt wine on her shirt, you fucking idiot! I knocked into her when we were in the kitchen and I made her entire glass of wine spill down the front of her shirt, so I went to get her another one. I didnât want her to sit in a soaking wet, stained shirt for the rest of the night so I went to get her another.âÂ
âAnd she changed in front of you because-?â
âBecause she was drunk and knew I wouldnât make a move on her. Because she knows that I respect you and care about you far more than I care about making a move on her. I donât look at her that way, Pat. You know I would never do that to you.â Nolan sucked on his teeth then, casting his eyes away from Travisâs and looking down at his feet.Â
âDo I?â Travis scoffed then, not bothering to give Nolan a response before walking past everybody else and out to his car.Â
After a few minutes of driving around, he found you at the park just down the street, leaning against the chain that supported the swing you sat on. He couldnât see your tears from his car, but he could see the way you flinched when he shut the car door behind him.Â
âYou okay?â you shook your head, eyes filled to the brim with tears that blurred your vision and broke Travisâs heart.Â
âIâm in love with him, Teeks. I love him more than anything in this entire world and he thinks Iâm using him. He t-thinks- he thinks I-âÂ
âHey, itâs okay.â Travis pulled you onto your feet and into his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around you in order to attempt to calm you down.Â
âHe thinks-â your sobs rang through the air, piercing through Travisâs heart and resulting in him squeezing you tighter, letting you get all of it out while no one else was around.Â
âHe doesnât think that. He knows youâre not using him, he just canât bear to think about you with anybody other than him.â you shook your head, not allowing yourself to believe Travis, even though he knew Nolan pretty well. If there was anything to know about Nolan, you or Travis would know about it.Â
âHe loves you, okay? He loves you more than he knows how to handle and he canât handle losing you before heâs even had you.â you flinched when a car backfired, jumping inches off of the ground and making Travis laugh gently from beside you when you let out a shaky breath of relief.Â
Your eyes found the familiar car drive by, slowing down the slightest bit by the park only to take off towards the entrance of the neighborhood quite quickly. You knew it was Nolan, you knew that car by heart.Â
You ended up on Travisâs couch the night, wrapped in a warm pair of sweatpants that Travis threw in the dryer for you before giving them to you. You tied the drawstring in a tight knot so theyâd stay up and pulled on a hoodie that he offered to you shortly after. He listened to you reminisce on all of the memories you had with Nolan. He learned more about his best friend and who he was growing up, but also learned a fair amount about you as well.Â
He felt for you. He couldnât believe Nolan said all of those things to you, but he also knew that Nolan must not be doing well right now. He texted Kevin when he got back to his apartment, saying that you were safe with him, and that heâd text Nolan but didnât for obvious reasons. Kevin assured Travis heâd let Nolan know you were safe, despite Nolan not asking about your well being. Not that he hadnât thought about it, but he figured if he asked heâd be left with a less than likable answer.Â
Nolan didnât sleep well that night, replaying how bad he fucked up over and over again in his mind. He didnât believe you at first, didnât even believe Travis when he told him what truly happened. He did, however, believe his captain when he said that Travis asked him for a shirt for you just a few minutes before it all happened. Ryanne brought out your wine soaked shirt after the two of you had left, and despite Nolan coming to terms with the fact that he was wrong, he couldnât forgive himself for the things he said to you.Â
He couldnât believe he accused you of it all before going on to accuse you of using him for your benefit. He knew it was stupid, since youâd been around far before the NHL. you were there when he got drafted, you were there when he was named captain of the Wheat Kings, and you were there when he almost quit hockey when he was younger. He remembered having you by his side through everything growing up and even now, even while living so far away from each other. If he called, you answered. If he needed help, you helped him. Hockey had nothing to do with that.Â
He looked down at the butterfly on his thigh, the one that took residence right beside another one of his tattoos, one that he had to keep hidden from you for well over two years now. He traced his finger over the small image, let his mind wander over all the possibilities of where yours could be if you had a snake somewhere inked into your skin. Itâs a thought he often had, wondering where youâd want it, if youâd want it.Â
By the time Nolan came to his senses, it was too late. Heâd already gotten through an entire practice and by the time he got back, by the time he got home, he realized you were gone. Your things that were piled into a corner of his room were gone. The jersey heâd given you for the game against the pens was folded up nicely on the pillow of his bed and a sticky note with your unmistakeable handwriting on it left a hole in his chest.Â
Iâm sorry I ever made you doubt me.Â
He couldnât reach for his phone fast enough, couldnât call you enough times to break your voicemail box. He called Travis, pained to hear that you were already on a flight back to Winnipeg. He wanted to leave, wanted to drive to the airport right this second and catch a flight back home to tell you heâs incredibly sorry, but he couldnât. He had a roadie in a few days and a game tomorrow night and he couldnât just leave.Â
He did his best to contact you, tried to call every person in your family and was disappointed every time. Even when both of his sisters sat down and called him to collectively tell him that he was the biggest idiot either of them had ever met. Nobody could believe Nolan blew you off like that, not even Nolan himself.Â
He knew he fucked up, but he hadnât realized how bad he fucked things up until one of your friends from back home posted a picture of you on social media a few months later. It had been at least four months since heâd spoken to you, since he saw you. It had been too long of him having nothing but the sliver of content he got from social media. He hated that his friends had chosen your side in the thick of it all, though he guessed it was easier to do that with him in Philadelphia and the rest of you in the same place.Â
But it wasnât until a picture of you with a wide smile and a new bathing suit popped up on his phone that he knew the true weight of the situation in front of him. There you were, in a baby blue bathing suit that showed the same shape between your breasts that heâd grown up with beside his ankle. His tattoo was committed to memory, ingrained into his brain with no room to forget about it, especially when he saw it on you, etched into your skin the same way it had been etched into his.Â
He thought back to the paper airplane on your shoulder, the mark that had haunted him for years. He hated your boyfriend, hated the sight of his tattoo on your skin. He hated everything that had to do with the sheer thought of you with somebody else, even if he didnât know how to deal with that. And now, with his thumb sitting on the butterfly on his thigh and his eyes on the snake on your sternum, he knew he had to fix this. He knew he had to fix things because these tattoos, though permanent themselves, didnât guarantee him a life as your boyfriend, nor your husband.Â
Nolan remembered a time when he thought these tattoos were stupid. He remembered when he thought it was a thing for soulmates and you told him that thought was wrong, that it just reminded you of a love you felt, even if it was eventually lost. He remembers you telling him that you were scared youâd never be loved forever, that you were scared to only be loved momentarily.Â
But that wasnât the case. Nolan would never stop loving you. He couldnât forget about the way your laugh brightened his day without question, or the way your nose scrunched when you laughed. He couldnât forget about the way you bugged him for ice cream on a bad day, or how good you looked with his name and number stretched across your back.Â
He couldnât remember a day he wasnât in love with you.Â
So Nolan flew to Winnipeg the second the Flyersâ season was over. He didnât bask in getting knocked out of the playoffs like some of the other guys, didnât dwell on the loss in the sixth game of the series because he couldnât. He couldnât dwell on a loss when he was so focused on trying to prevent a second one.Â
He had called everybody he could think of once he got off the plane. Some didnât answer, some didnât know the answer to his question, and some just flat out refused to humor him. You werenât home, he knew that much by the absence of your car in the driveway and your sister telling him that you werenât there, and that she wouldnât let him inside even if you were. It wasnât until he rounded a familiar corner after a phone call heâd been thankful for.Â
Jordan told him where you were, unable to lie to his childhood friend when you were hanging out with everyone. You were wearing a bathing suit again, though it didnât matter for a while. The sun was high in the air and you werenât the only that had shed yourself of your coverup earlier in the afternoon. You were playing basketball with Jordan, oblivious to the fact that heâd given you up just ten minutes prior to the gate door swinging open and Nolan letting himself into the backyard.Â
Your eyes found him easily, as if he was a magnet you could never repel. Your shoulders fell for a moment, your instinct of wanting to comfort him seeping in before you could tell it not to. Of course you kept up with his team, watching every game you possibly could until the very last one. You knew heâd been knocked out of the playoff less than 48 hours ago, and you had no idea he was coming home.Â
You hadnât realized the weight of the situation until you noticed his eyes locked in on your chest. You folded your arms over your chest in an attempt to cover the snake, but it didnât make Nolan look anywhere else.Â
âWho told you I was here?â your voice was soft. You knew he didnât drive around the entire town looking for your car, though you werenât sure it was something too far out of his reach. Nolan would do just about anything to get something if he wanted it bad enough.
âBo did.â you glared at the boy not far from you, the one that you shouldnât have trusted with something like this in the first place. You shouldâve known Jordan would do something like this.Â
âPatty, what the fuck?â
âJust shut up, Bo.â Jordan rolled his eyes and tossed the basketball to Nolan who smacked it away and into the grass.Â
âWell, I donât want to talk to you.â you tried to stand your ground, even with Jordan giggling to himself before walking over to your friends not too far from where you currently stood.Â
âJust give me five minutes.â
Nolanâs eyes bore into yours, the same pair of bright blue eyes that you had been avoiding for months. You wanted to answer every call and every text, but how could you? How could you pick up the phone and listen to his voice through the speaker after all heâd said to you in front of his entire team. And then on top of it all, he left you stranded in Philly, in the middle of a city, country even, where you had nobody to turn to and nowhere to go.Â
âI know you donât want to talk to me-â
âThen leave, Nols.â he shook his head, taking a step towards you. âI donât want to talk to you.â
âI know I hurt you-â
âYouâre right! You hurt me! You hurt me so bad Nolan and I canât go through that again so if youâre here to let history repeat itself, then can you just go?â he shook his head, firmly planting his feet into the ground and refusing to move.Â
âI know you donât want to see me or listen to me or give me the benefit of the doubt but I need you to hear me out.â you sighed, letting your arms fall to your side. You werenât sure how he seemingly broke down all of your walls without even lifting a finger. You watched his eyes flick down to the image on your chest, you even let him raise a finger once he stood in front of you and trace the shape of the snake. âIt suits you, yâknow?â
âDid you really come all this way to tell me that this suits me?â there was a hint of amusement in your voice, enough of it to bring a smile to Nolanâs lips.Â
âI know I fucked up-â
âBig time.â you cut him off, shooting him a gentle smile and nod that told you youâd stop interrupting him. âSorry, continue.â
âI know I fucked up and I said a lot of shit I didnât mean and thatâs not an excuse but- look, I know i shouldnât have said all of that shit. I shouldâve believed the two of you. I shouldâve believed you when you told me nothing happened and I shouldnât have said you were using me. I know youâre not using me. There was no way you couldâve known that I was going to be in the NHL, and you wouldnât have stuck around all this time just to be a puck bunny.âÂ
It wasnât like you to forgive all that easily. You drew lines in the sand and refused to let someone fuck you over twice. You werenât big on second chances, especially when you thought people didnât deserve them. You were a straight shooter, no bullshit. But those walls cracked for Nolan, they fell for Nolan. None of your boundaries were drawn in place with Nolan in mind. He had broken down every wall, overstepped every boundary since the day he met you. You couldnât block him out, couldnât lead him out of your life.Â
As much as you hated to admit it, you needed Nolan Patrick. You were in love with Nolan Patrick.Â
And the little butterfly on his thigh told you that he loved you all the same.Â
Your lips turned up at the sight, your eyes locked in on the place where his shorts had ridden up and the small image danced happily on his skin.Â
âHow long have you had that?â you pointed down at it, barely noticing the way his eyes stayed trained on you through the entirety of the situation. You were looking at his tattoo, but he was looking at you. He was always looking at you, which only made it that much more surprising that he hadnât picked up on the snake on your chest.Â
âSince before I got drafted.â he spoke softly, hitting you with a force you didnât know existed. You were floored by the realization, somewhat thinking that heâd only had it for a small bit of time. Youâd seen his thighs, seen his tattoos and youâd never seen the small butterfly etched into his skin.Â
âHow long have you had that?â his finger traced over the snake one more time, sending a chill down your spine that you had felt more times than you could count when you were around Nolan. It was a feeling that was never expected but always welcome.Â
âDraft day.â you breathed out, feeling the weight of the world lift off of your shoulders. You were finally admitting it, finally letting the love of your life know just how long youâve been a mess for him. Little did you know how much of a mess he was for you.Â
âIâm so sorry, y/n.âÂ
âItâs okay.â you spoke softly, a smile gracing your lips at the realization that things were falling back into place, even after all this time of not talking to him.Â
âItâs okay?â you nodded, taking another step toward him so you were chest to chest.Â
âAs long as you donât fuck it up again.â he let out a small laugh, his hands finding the sides of your face just before pressing his lips to yours.Â
âI wouldnât dream of it.â
-
italics mean it wouldnât let me tag you!!
nolpat tag list; @extratragicâ @babytkachuksâ @teenagekookâ @stfukieâ @kiedharaâ @sadcupofcoffeeâ @sidscrosbyyâ @rebel-without-care @baby-cat-nol-patâ @creator-appreciatorâÂ
tagging the himbos as well; @bricksatlandyswindowâ @damndunnerâ @anxietyandtacosâ @sortagaysortahighâ @dmonchldâ
#nolan patrick#nolpat#nolan x reader#nolan patrick x reader#nhl#nhl fic#nhl imagine#hockey fic#hockey#hockey imagine#philadelphia flyers#flyers
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ê° HIM TALKING ABT YOU ê±
...a nct dream 2000 line + mark reaction <33
a/n: hello most of this is crack enjoy, also i did not proof read so if smths not spelled right im sorry </3
< MARK >
okay so basically
he was facetiming one of his friends
when his friend heard you grumbling in the background
you were half asleep
cuddling mark while he was on the phone
the friend on the phone went
âheyyy y/nâ
you yawned
and waved to the camera
âtheyâve been sleeping all day, bro, i canât get them off (;ÂŽàŒàș¶ÙčàŒàș¶`) not that iâm complaining butâ
you shifted around
âtheyâre cute but theyâre kind of.... annoyingâ
you knew he joking
regardless
âHAHAHAHAHPLEASESTOâ
âwhat happened markâ
âY/N STOP TICKLING MEHAHAHAHâ
long story short mark had to hang up the call
mightâve started tickling you
as payback
but who knows
no but he definitely tickles you as payback
i make the rules
im the author
*bites lip*
ok next member
< RENJUN >
on renjuns dj show
(bear w me i know it ended like 4 months ago)
before he played the next song
he said âthis next song reminds me of my s/o y/n :]â
you were watching the radio show at home
like you usually did
you watched in shock
bcs
ppl didnât rlly know you were together
and he just went along w it rlly nonchalantly
once the song ended
he went
âi hope you enjoyed the song as much as i did, as it reminds me of the time i get to spend with my favorite person ( Ë ÂłË)â„ïžâ
after that everything went back to normal
well not for long
but still
renjun called you after the show
ây/n i donât care if people know about us, what are they gonna do??? kill me???â
thats the spirit
< JENO >
jeno is sometimes a very
clueless person
so when a girl offered to be his partner in science class
(one thats had like a big fat obvious crush on him for the whole semester)
he didnât rlly bat an eye
jeno and the girl planned to go to her house to work on the project that saturday
but jeno ended up being late
really late
the girl called him
âoh god that was today? me & y/n have been watching frozen can i get a raincheck or somethiââ
âjeno this is so not fair. you need to help me àČ _àČ â
âokay but y/n fell asleep on my lap im really gonna need that raincheckâ
âoh wow. whatever. have fun.â
âi will! iâll see you on mondââ
she hung up on him
he was so confused
the girl was so mad on monday
she kept staring at you in the halls
whatever at least jeno likes you ÂŻ\_(ă)_/ÂŻ
< HAECHAN >
he was going clothes shopping w jaemin and renjun
and for basically like every article of clothing
he went
âthis reminds me of y/nâ
or
âthis would look so good on y/n :(â
renjun rolls his eyes after almost every time he says that
so did jaemin
haechan calls you
in the middle of jaemin paying for his items
ây/n my love look this reminded me of you, do you want a green one or a blue one?â
âHAECHAN WHY ARE YOU ON SPEAKERâ
âSHUT UP RENJUN I CAN BARELY HEAR Y/N OVER YOUR YELLING...... repeat that for me y/nâ
renjun facepalms
jaemin facepalms
the cashier facepalms
even the man ïżŒ
â...they said they wanted the green one btwâ
< JAEMIN >
jaemin was at work
he really missed you
so he was just kinda
impatient to get out
no like
he was checking the clock every few minutes
âis it 6:30 yet? no? fuââ
his manager walked in
anyway
once the clock struck 6:30
he took off his apron
and did a little dance as he stepped out of the counter
âany plans for this weekend, jaemin?â
âyup, i am spending it w my amazing wonderful awesome cool great pretty/handsome incredible stunning s/o ( Ë ÂłË)â„ïžâ
he walked out of the door and did a little dance
while his coworkers watched him leave
to say they were jealous would be an understatement
he went home and payed you lots of attention
like
a lot
:â)
âĄ.ïčïčïčïčïčïčïčïčïčïčïčïčïčïčïčïčïčïč.âĄ
-> hello! tysm for reading :P
-> i hope you enjoyed :]
-> if you want to, you can request smth !!
-> ALSO WE HIT 100 FOLLOWERS WOO
~ with love, huangbae :)
#nct#nct dream#nct dream reactions#nct reactions#nct imagines#nct dream imagines#nct fluff#nct dream fluff#mark#mark lee#mark lee fluff#renjun#huang renjun#renjun fluff#jeno#lee jeno#jeno fluff#haechan#lee haechan#haechan fluff#jaemin#na jaemin#jaemin fluff#nct dream reaction
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BEHIYE SYDIN. â± robin.
she + her / twenty- seven / penned by vic
" what motivates me - hatred? or is it love? "
⚯ application ⚯ pinterest ⚯ dynamics ⚯ stats ⚯ timeline
TW: PARENTAL DEATH, ILLNESS , IMPRISONMENT, SUICIDE IDEATION
ps.: this is very long!!!! if you w ant just hit me up on discord and i'll just tell u all and yea :)
bio summary ???
dam bby girl all these red flegs looking heart shaped tbh teehehee
i'll get back to this later i am very sleepy
behiye sydin daughter of mister rich and miss face of turkey - what could go wrong??? more like what what could go right
from the go her parents marriage, although very stable and healthy, was a big scandal in the country - her mother was extremely famous and her father extremely wealthy, with a questionable ethical background. she did get pregnant before they came out to the public on their relationship, only announcing the marriage and her daughter due four months from them.
fast forward ten years, behiye only has the recollection of gathering the dust of what was once her mom after touching her and her ability activating - it is still a repressed memory of hers, the details are not reliable at all, and she does change the story frequently.
( her mother was actually terribly sick and slowly dying... it was a mess but i will explore soon )
her father upon discovering that his daughter was 1) A WITCH!!! and 2) a KILLER WITCH??? decided what a very influent and rich father would do <3
he locked her up in their state!
think of complete isolation with staff suspecting that you a nihilum, rumors about your mom's sudden death and the sealed casket, a child who is clearly traumatized by all of the recent events and is not dealing well with it!
and she can kill things without even knowing btw
three years of complete hell in which her father, if coming to visit, completely avoided her. he returned letters and post cards, he didn't call nor pick up the phone. she was left to die there.
so she took drastic measures and managed to convince him to set her free! in a very healthy way
now cut to a girl who's 13, never loved, only set free by her father after a couple NON INTENTIONAL casualties, and mainly because she looks exactly like his wife love of his life (and bc she pretended she was gonna turn herself into dust <3) and we expect everything will go well!
except that of course it didn't.
his neglect never changed - and the shame took over once behiye slowly noticed that eun-ha was the one. even though she was hi trophy, even though she was what her mother was, she was just another trinket of his that was supposed to have stayed in the cage only if she wasn't a threat to her own role to be played.
that was just the beginning of another round of torture - only this time was the unfold of a girl who was completely unfit for the dream she was so sure it belong to her. and her cousin made sure to remind her of that, every single time.
so yeah she is not very okay nope but she is a fun time!
her desire, what she asked for the beast, was to be the rightful owner of everything that was her by birthright - but mostly, she wanted to take from her cousin the one thing she had in the bag tbh
has no idea what she is gonna do because one thing abt behi is that this girl is tactless af!
oh but theres gonna be a cute twist to achieving what she wants!!!
she's an actual nightmare.... im so sorry in advance she is just yeah
fin of the tl dr but actually being too long as well
HEADCANONS???
outside she's the picture perfect but on the inside......
nobody will be spared. maybe two people. three if it's a wednesday.
obsessed with cleanliness and organization because things need to be very neat and organized in order for her to feel like not everything that surrounds her is crumbling downÂ
has a very sensitive nose, feels extremely bothered by anything that smells slightly out of what she can consider pleasant. but doesnât feel disgusted (?) more like as if she's very bothered in a sense by the smell of anything that could be dying
undefined
buy things and gets rid of them before they get too old, sometimes untouched
it's quite funny since she doesn't care about death itself, her problem lays within the whole process of u know what....
has a very sensitive relationship with food, does not eat red meat because it stays in your system for too long. prefers liquids. drinks lots of juice, smoothies, and lots of alcohol.Â
does lack a lot of motivation, does NOT!!! dream of labor! collects jewelry (deep down she thinks she could be a jewelry design)
behiye never really excelled in anything academic because she was always compared to her cousin (even herself did that) but she is very athletic!!! strong as well and good in martial arts
giving clean girl patrick bateman vibes are you picking those up as well......
amma crellin and jinx were her inspo <3 lowkey sasuke??w idk why don't ask me
give her ATTENTION!!!!
her special skill stealth cognizance means that she plays dumb and gets the intel! she is a master emotional manipulator, and she has the looks and the privilege of such so!
i can't think of anything rn i will edit this and make it make sense later.
ilu if u read it all
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AGREEEE, WORKING OVER THE WEEKEND IS THE WORST esp since im in uni full time and i work 9-5 on the weekends which means... no breaks for me ever.. đ„Č
MASSIVE CRUSH ON OIKAWA OMGGG I SUPPORT THIS!!!!! but i am unfortunately much older than 15 and still enamored by 2d men đ lifeâs rough like that HDJWKDJ YES ATSUMU CAUSES PROBLEMS ON PURPOSE.. HES THE WORST!! btw.. ive heard that the oikawa to atsumu stan pipeline is very real... so if u get to s4.. u may develop atsumu brain rot like me đ_đ
OOO alright run on, extracurricular, vincenzo, true beauty, love alarm, & perfect crime. NOTED!! ive actually been meaning to watch extracurricular for a while now, it looks so interesting!! now that it has the wincore seal of approval i must watch đ€ OMGG SAKURADA DORI I SAW HIM IN ALICE IN BORDERLAND!! super good show but really gore heavy at some points đ
ahh ok thank u for the reccs, ive been thinking about starting demon slayer too!! shoplifters sounds really interesting :oo crime??? i havent watched a full movie in a while so i will def check it out!! THESE R ALL GOING IN MY NOTES APP.
NEXT YEARRR omg it sounds far away but i know time passes so quickly nowadays so I WILL WISH U LUCK ONCE AGAIN đ i hope u update us when the time comes!!
UGHWHHD EVEN THIS SYNOPSIS IS MAKING ME MISS UR WRITING?!? I LOVE THE WAY U WORD IT... âgiven a choice to pretend, you find that jaehyun is the lesser of the two burdens to bearâ AHHHHHHH omg âheâs in a relationship and doesnât rlly care about the soulmate systemâ THIS IS ALWAYS SUCH A PAINFUL SCENARIO IN SOULMATE AUS PLSS!!! Wait is the soulmate of yn gonna be an oc/vague character or another member :O EITHER WAY... PAIN! THIS IS GETTING ME SO EXCITED AND U HAVENT EVEN MENTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT JAEHYUNâS LIKE IN THIS FIC YET
RUNWAY CHARACTER CAMEOOOS YESS I LOVE RUNWAY YN!!!! i actually reread it last night and ugh i was reminded how much i love yns personality... just the process of experiencing all tht self doubt with them!!! so real & makes u root for them :â)
âif jeno plays edward i need him to that apple scene like taemin didâ WHHHHHWJDJJWJDBW THIS MADE ME CHOKE ON THE WATER I WAS DRINKING LMFAO
GODDDD THESE TROPE/MEMBER PAIRINGS, HARD AGREE HARD AGREE!!! HAECHAN AND RENJUN ARE E2L 100%!!!! i think bc the ppl in the bff2l category cant convincingly hate yn back LOL
âgets complimented on his lyricism often but like every songâs about youâ STOPPPPP HES SO PERFDCT FOR THIS TROPE!!!!!
OMG I SEE EXACTLY WHAT U MEAN ABT SICHENG IN ROYALTY/CHAEBOL AUS... i think like u said itâs because of his poise & the way ppl are generally in awe of him but also bc of his reluctance to open up!! more reserved until he trusts u... funny and kind but sometimes perceived as aloof... those r some prince tendencies! âwhat are corporate businesses but modern day kingdomsâ LMFAOOWJDJ SERIOUSLY THO
âmans really said i will not give you any onscreen idol personality to work withâ HDJWJDJWJSJ LITERALLYYYY this is why i have trouble reading jaehyun fics sometimes bc sometimes they can feel âinaccurateâ but its mostly just bc thereâs no Standard Personality Stereotype to go off of. but a random & uncommon trope i think heâd pair well with is exes to lovers!! Yes im basically just a jaehyun + angst advocate.
âi think most of them would pair well with bff2l??â FACTTTTTTT and no im not just saying this bc its one of my favorite tropes.. heh... i think i told u this before?? but ur like the main reason i started enjoying e2l!!! i didnt like it before bc i love the PINING in bff2l but then i started reading ur works n was like OH SHIT! THERES LOADS OF PINING HERE TOO...
i think yangyang is not bff2l or e2l, he is in his own category which is Annoyer2Lover HDJWKDJ ex: troublemaker, wasted nights
OMGGGG I DID NOT EXPECT ROYALTY AU TO HAVE SUCH A LARGE LEAD IN THE SURVEY??? and cryptids is so low đđ cmon guys, vampires r fun!!!
WE R LITERALLY WRITING ESSAYS TO EACH OTHER RN BUT I LOVE IT đ„șđ„ș its a such a nice break to read ur response when im burnt out from studying!!
OMG IM GOING THROUGH #moonwrites AND IM LITERALLY AN IDIOTTTT IVE BEEN OFF TUMBLR FOR SO LONG I DIDNT REALIZE THAT ROMEO ROULETTE HAD A PREVIEW OUT????
âAnd I get what out of this?â âMe?â IM IN LOVE WITH THIS CHARACTERS PERSONALITY ALREADY LMFAOO
ââand when this whole game youâre playing is over, youâre going to say I rejected you.â ?!?!???? THE WAY JAEHYUN IS A LITTLE SHIT! THEIR PERSONALITIES ARE BOTH SO FUN PLSJWJDJEJ IM MORE EXCITED NOW!!
pls disregard the part in my last ask where i asked abt romeo roulette.... i had no idea all of the information i needed was sitting right in front of me đđ
- tata
WHAT 9 TO 5 ON EVERY WEEKEND???? the system has failed you this honestly feels like a villain origin story đ when does it get better???
ALSO let me answer the other asks separately for better readability lol we really out here writing essays GOOD THING i have practice writing but like. this is infinitely better to write đ„°
PLSSS SOMETIMES I WILL SEE AN EDIT/TIKTOK OF OIKAWA AND BE LIKE DAMN I REALLY NEED TO CATCH UP I MISS THIS MF also are you daring me to ruin my life for 2d men bc i will do it without hesitation. wait till i watch hq again and get that atsumu brainrot with you he seems annoying enough for me to like ^_^
AND YES PLS I WAS SO ABSORBED IN IT!! extracurricular was the most gripping show iâve watched in a while like yes enough teen romance give me two unhinged teenagers doing crime đ€© AND OMG??? THATâS WHERE WE SAW HIM TOO and although niragi was literally vomit-inducing human trash, sakurada dori is like. a good actor. except i hated coffee&vanilla which starred him it was literally so cringe i couldnât đ i blame the writers for that though. IM EXCITED FOR S2 OF ALICE IN BORDERLAND THO i really like horror (and i can tolerate gore if ive been desensitized enough) and like i read the manga too!!! the games were really interesting (although morbid).
đđ MY NOTES APP IS FULL OF RECS FROM FRIENDS ALL OF THEM HATE ME FOR NOT WATCHING THE SHOWS BUT LIKE. i binge 3 or 4 at a time and strike them off and then go 6 months without watching a single tv series hhh.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I SURE WILL UPDATE !!! itâs so exciting to think about grad school sometimes :33
AHHH IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE IT AND THE PREVIEW TOO SGSDJKDS thereâs a few differences in the actual fic i think bc i changed up the language (and i dont remember what else bc i refuse to look at my writing) JAEHYUN RLLY IS A LITTLE SHIT heâll be like hm yeah im pretty chill :) and then proceed to beat yn at her own game at times. (she wins mostly dw) the fact that i made her soulmate cha eunwoo like girl if i were you iâd crash their relationship đ„± (jk) but like. jaehyun too is đ€© despite being dry af
ASDKDSKDS YOU REREAD ALL (ALMOST) 19K WORDS ??? IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE THAT FIC SM AAAAHHH IM FEELING LIKE AN ACTUAL AUTHOR đ„° i loved runway yn too they were like boss attitude with 20% anxiety.
LOOK JENO BETTER BE PULLING MOVES LIKE THAT TO IMPRESS THE GIRLS đ€ if he hits himself in the forehead with the apple, bonus points bc that was true comedy (as invented by taemin)
AND YES. LIKE I KNOW MARK HATED DONGHYUCK SO MUCH HE WANTED TO LEAVE SM BUT LIKE HEâS TOO NICE WITH EVERYONE ELSE đđđ i cannot picture him pissed off apart from that summer fight </3
thinking about dejun getting rejected by a girl he wrote a song for. rip brother.
IM GLAD YOU PUT THAT INTO WORDS BC THATâS EXACTLY WHAT IT IS!!! heâs got all of these regal qualities but heâs still human ykyk so it makes for the most amiable person on earth đ i love this characterization of him!!
oof exes to lovers with jaehyun... i had a similar idea a while ago (with theme song sincerity is scary by the 1975) that i discarded bc i donât think iâm cut out to write that đ (YET) so i will keep this is mind. u r so right about jaehyun feeling inaccurate bc itâs like heâs very mild in personality onscreen sometimes?? so him having strong personality traits makes me go đ€đ€ that man is overreacting. (jkjk but like you get the idea)
WAIT RLLY OMG BC OF ME???? i would never enjoy e2l irl bc irl dudes are đ€ąđ€ą and if they annoy me i will end them. but in fiction the mutual pining and initial disgust at yourself for liking the other??? helllooo đ€©đ€©đ€© especially if itâs in a romcom style <3 bff2l is also better in fiction bc if the relationship doesnt work out irl and the person become uncomfortable with me i will just get annoyed jskshdl
LMAO YOU ARE SO RIGHT ABOUT YANGYANG HEâS JUST THATâą DUDE skgkhs he feels like someone fun to hang out with but he would annoy you the whole time. also he is cute đ„°
AND EXACTLY!!!! IM HAPPY FOR ROYALTY AUS BUT CMON. LOOK AT THOSE VAMPIRE TEETH. feel like media ruined vampires for people đÂ
THIS IS SUCH A NICE BREAK FROM STUDYING HONESTLY!!!! im like working on two semi-large projects AND studying course and out-of-course material simultaneously so my brain is a little fried. thank u for this đ
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lady gaga voice slowly fadin in: ju-Das juda-ah-ah⊠this depressed goblin bastard is honestly my fav male muse like i dnt typically stick w male muses tht long i struggle bt................. iâve played him the longest of them all n always seem to return to him. jst cnt stay away. way 2 attached to this absurd little man. itâs nai btw!!!! (josefine on the main). launches right in to judeâs intro without further adieu..... (u can also find his playlist here) đ§âđš
ădouglas booth & cis-maleă⟠hayward , jude, the senior radcliffe studentâs records show that he is a pisces and 23 years old. he is studying ART, living in moris and can be protective, laidback, nonsensical & apathetic. when i see him i am reminded of wearing a faded smiley face sticker on your forehead while receiving a serious lecture, saying âfuck offâ to inanimate objects, lead marbles instead of eyes. âœănai & 23 & gmt & she/her.ă
he pinterest:
me in the voice of a card magician performing on the street: round up round up pick a pinterest any pinterest!
ta-da itâs aesthetics:
lead marbles instead of eyes, a stolen hearse careening down the wrong lane, wearing a faded smiley face sticker on your forehead while receiving a serious lecture, bags under the eyes that are so big they could pack enough clothes for a three week vacation, a cigarette wobbling from your bottom lip as you squint against the sunlight, passing out on a strangerâs rooftop, placing sunglasses over the eyes of a biology lab skeleton, gangling around the place like shaggy minus his scooby snacks, saying âfuck offâ to inanimate objects
about tha Bitch:
born in sheffield in england, bt they went back and forth between there n san fran a lot
jude was an unhappy accident. his parents never rly used protection bc they were super Liberal n Au Naturel n believed in the pull out method bc⊠they were maniacs. bt then the ONE time they used a condom in an effort to b safety conscious it broke n henceâŠ. jude was born
they just kind of ran w it bc they had such a passionate relationship tht they were like What The HellâŠ. may as well! itll be fine weâll learn to be good parents n love him like normal ppl do
spoiler alert: tht didnât work out
they were ok to him like they werenât fully Bad bt they just found him to be a massive burden n hindrance to their plans. pretty absent n irresponsible. they literallyâŠ.. had sex all day every day n acted like a pair of teenagers. it ws a super weird environment for a kid to grow up in bc he literally had no role models or⊠guidance orâŠ. anything rly. occasionally theyâd joke around w him or pretend they properly knew what grade he was going into but for the most part they just Didnât Care the way parents shd. they lost his birth certificate n dnt remember what they put as his middle name so heâs jst kind of like hmmmm............. n gives himself a diff one every time ppl ask. past variations hv included: jude pauly hayward, jude maureen hayward, jude van winkle hayward. says all of these w a very straight face
despite this he does hv some nice memories w them. usually he definitely sees them fr holidays. frm being rly young their christmas tradition hs been to get a bunch of chinese food like a Banquet Feast n spend all day smoking n drinking into the early hours. perhaps not the healthiest or most responsible bt đ jude rly likes it itâs kind of the one time of yr he feels he has a proper family
they r both suuuuper into the arts. rly good sculptors bt they paint too n they actually own a successful gallery in sheffield n san fran
(trauma tw) as a result he grew up around a lot of creative n sometimes pretentious ppl. the friends of his parents were more present in his life than his ACTUAL parents bc they were always jetting off to diff countries to scout out new pieces fr their galleries n just have a gd time in beautiful places withoutâŠ. the annoyance tht ws being responsible n looking after someone. tbh some of his parents friends were rly damaging too btâŠ.i wonât go into that just yet. it doesnât rlyâŠneed properly explaining bc jude never talks abt it anyway n itâŠ.is rather triggering so iâll jstâŠ.leav it for now tbh. basically they just were Not Nice n jude had a lot of bad memories he keeps repressed bt he also??? has some gd ones..... it was a strange environment bt heâs a survivor
(death n grief tw) he hd to do community service bc he kind of⊠hd a bit of a breakdown before the funeral of his elderly neighbour who bsically raised him bc her kids rly didnt care abt her they jst wanted her inheritance?? so he⊠stole the hearse w her casket still in it n ws jst like⊠drivin around the place sort of⊠tryin nt to cryâŠ..KJJFHSFKJGHKFG i mean. it isnt funny its actually sad bt :/ in a very bizarre n jude way. he gt caught n taken in fr questioning bt her son kind of realised hw⊠broken up abt her death jude ws n had a heart n didnt press charges. regardless he stil hd to do community service bc it ws like taken seriously even tho it ws his first proper offence. doin it rly exhausted n depressed him so when he wsnt doin tht he ws just hibernatin in his roomâŠâŠ. this ws like 4 months ago nw............ just some fun lore fr u all
bc of how he ws raised he has a p cultured taste. he luvs classic lit n p much anything artsy. he can play piano 2 n sometimes gets rly high n thinks heâs mozart level gd at composing heâs jst going fking wild on the keys in a trance...... i mean heâs gd bt⊠chill
heâs rly sarcastic n so deadpan like heâll say smthn completely ridiculous bt heâll say it w his whole chest so sincere.... itâs rly hard to tell when heâs joking or serious honestly. has an overflowing secret sketchbook n if he cares abt someone heâll probably secretly draw them. does NOT share these drawings w the person he hates being openly sentimental. at heart he is jst a very Sad Boy w lots of repressed issues like depression genuinely just does NAT giv him a single break bt he plasters over this w wise cracks n never discusses his emotions ever. heâs actually p decent or at least tries to b. heâs kind of like tht bit in superbad where michael cera gets rly drunk n makes a toast to women like tht energy...........
he has rly bad insomnia so he like never sleeps idk how heâs Alive straight up. please go to bed sir............. he always has rly sleepy eyes n rubs them tiredly mid conversation. he smokes a lot of weed to try n compensate fr this n make him tired bt he still struggles a lot
ANYWAY that aside heâs at radcliffe doing art, focusing on fine art like painting is............... the thing he luvs most...... his style is kind of.......... taking normal things n painting w surreal colours.... he likes A LOT of colour in his paintings which is kind of a stark contrast to his personality bc his worldâs so.... washed out n grey............ lovs art n philosophy n literature n photography n music....Â
ummMMMMmm honestly idk iâm blankin on what else to say. ull find him smoking weed reading an american classic or gnawing at his thumbnail n getting charcoal smudges on all his clothes. wandering the streets in plaid pj bottoms n dr martens eating frm a cereal box without care in the world. heâs p broody n scruffy n heâs mostly here fr a laidback time....... doesnât rly like when ppl take themselves too seriously........ likes strange ppl thinks the world is mde richer by them n likes when ppl can jst bounce back jokes at him without being like erm. u dont make sense mate. bc frankly he can come up w some strange stuff sometimes.............. talking to him cn b like navigating a dark n bendy road without a flashlight.......Â
(drugs tw) once did shrooms n woke up naked in the woods curled up in a pile of leaves. to this day he recounts this as his werewolf transformation. hs no idea hw he ended up there n when ppl r like are u not. concerned jude. tht is so strange? he jst shrugs like.............. dunno....................... suppose iâm jst a werewolf upon occasion. so casual abt it. jst truly does Not care abt most things at all..... almost to the point tht itâs concerning (sometimes way past the point tht itâs concerning too :/)
this is the desc on an aesthetic i mde of his style once n sums it up well!! âadditionally: too many pairs of trousers, a hideous amount of white t-shirts all somewhat stained with charcoal, a jumper so thinly knit it almost looks sheer, chipped teale nail varnish, a cream corduroy jacket with a cigarette hole singed onto the cuff, vintage wiry reading glasses he almost never wears, a freshly rolled cigarette behind his ear, a thrifted t-shirt with a warped bart simpson wearing a stethoscope with the caption âbard knwos cardiologyâ and two crops hacked that way with kitchen scissors that he sometimes wears to paint.â
EXPERT at rolling spliffs like jst. mkes them so precise n neat....... itâs his super power. his fav thing to smoke frm is banana flavour papers.................... linking 2 this heâs like. bad w emotions bt he does try..... once his friend (maggie) ws sad so he brought her a spliff wrapped in grape flavoured paper bc itâs her fav fruit n jst like. wordlessly gave it to her. itâs the thought tht counts.....
PLOTS!!!!!
plays bass in a band which cld b a fun connection to get together??? i picture the music being like surf rock type like........... mac demarco...... bt he also luvs elliott smith n glass animals n the cure n metronomy n neutral milk hotel n talking heads n radiohead n mazzy star n wolf alice...................... idk jst like.... within tht ballpark i suppose i imagine it being................
mayb ppl he shares classes w?????? iâd like someone tht does a similar course n they hang out tgether when it comes to trips fr the module to museums or exhibits or wtever................ they both stand in front of paintings analysing it rly wrong n saying stuff like hmmmmmmmmm....... i do declare i see a, uh..... large phallus protruding from the centre of this image...... moves something in me.......... n some elderly person looking at it besides them is like Ergh. sickened n disgraced. leaves w a brow severely furrowed
someone he smokes w on the moris rooftop late at night when he cnt sleep??? mayb theyâre up n cnt sleep either fr whtever reason n itâs become an unspoken kind of ritual where they always clamber out n find each other there n jst wordlessly keep them company
jude is kind of like. protective almost to a fault sometimes........... mayb some guy heâs punched......................... if they hurt someone he cares abt........... typically it wld hv been a girl he ws kind of like. affected by his first relationship bc she had a bad home situation n ever since jst wnts..... to Protect itâs kind of like an automatic instinct ingrained in him nw đ all sounds very noble n well bt sometimes it cn b a bit of an escalation i wnt lie
perhaps a few hook-ups??? jude doesnât tend to sleep w ppl he rly knows bc he just..... likes it to b an impersonal thing doesnât like getting attached fr various reasons so mayb they only kno each other via this OR mayb he bent his rules a bit..... cld either work seamlessly or hv added drama if one side hs mre feelings or whtever
currently living in moris w 2 roommates bt iâd love some neighbours perhaps..... mayb someone tht lives directly nxt door to his room n is like ://// bc he plays music loud n weeds always drifting frm his window n mking their room smell if theirs is open too................. or mayb they get on..... mayb thereâs a rly mean seagull tht lands on a branch n poos on pedestrians n they both commentate on it frm their windows like david attenborough...... theyâre like heâs at it again. theyâve named him n everything
HONESTLY anything if u have an idea hmu iâd love 2 hear it.......... rubs my hands tgether in excitement to plot up a storm w u all
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You talk about Lyss a lot, and you mentioned once that you like to talk about your friends. What makes her so great and what do you love about her? (Sorry if this is weird I just find it really sweet when people gush about their friends)
I KICK OPEN THE DOOR
HOLY S H I T MAN THIS IS THE QUESTION IâVE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE FOR
i paused my episode of the adventure zone to answer this question
so uhhh basically lyss gets me a lot? like. i think a small part of it comes from the fact weâre both around the same age, weâre seniors, weâre sorta in that âoh my fucking godâ mindset when it comes to high school but like
she cares a lot. sometimes itâs not blatantly obvious and sometimes we have our moments where we upset one another - but what friendship doesnt have those moments? the important thing is we apologize and move on and we donât let things tie us down.
i feel safe opening up to a lot of my friends, but lyss is one of the few that i always go to first because - for one, sheâs in my timezone and i donât have to worry about too much - sheâs there and she knows iâll be here for her when she needs it too. itâs not a relationship of only giving - we give and take from one another and we donât let things boil over to the point where weâre hurting from one another.
i donât feel shitty when i talk to lyss - and if i do, she tends to help me through my stupid depressed thoughts and realize that i can move on from this. sheâs such a loving person for the people she trusts and cares for, but she doesnât take shit if youâve hurt her friends and that really means a lot when iâve gone through a lot of friendships where iâve been sorta left behind once they get tired of my mental bullshit. sheâs here.Â
uhhh and now for what i love abt her and ill go past âeverythingâ and go into specifics
lyss has a fucking baller music taste. she made this playlist a while back and sometimes i listen to it since its rly rly nice and she talked to me abt how she makes her playlists and like. im a music goblin who just throws shit into a playlist and throws it on shuffle every time i listen - but she puts so much care into the little things and she makes playlists like mixtapes and theyâre so so so fucking rad, man
sheâs gorgeous btw. like, donât let her tell u otherwise!!! shes so so so fucking pretty and she reminds me of dodie and my lil heart always goes !!!! when she sends selfies to any gc (it does that w other pals too but i just need 2 gush abt how pretty lyss is) lIKE I TEND TO NOTICE EYES THE MOST AND SHE HAS RLY RLY PRETTY EYES
thats rly gay but anyway
we just have good times tbh. sometimes if weâre on vc together, itâs always suuuper calming and its rly nice! some of my friends naturally talk a bit louder so it can get kinda graining if im having a rough day and lyss and i sometimes go off and talk w another pal whoâs quieter later on if we need to have a softer time. like, i get frustrated when im talked over like⊠repetitively but lyss always listens??? and that means a lot considering a lot of people dont let me speak or forget abt me in my daily life so
sheâs just a super lovely person and iâve told her multiple times that like⊠finding someone whoâs the embodiment of love is rare but sheâs definitely love through and through. the last month or so has really brought us together and iâm not an extremely religious person but i thank god a lot that i was given the chance to meet her. sheâs my partner in crime and i would fight any assholes for her
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can you explain a little more about your system? when did it start, how did it start? how often do your alters come out, etc. i'm really interested in learning more. (sry if this is offensive, it is not my intention in any way).
Sorry againfor the late reply anon but as you will quickly notice, I have a lot to say about our system because itâsthe best thing that came out of my traumas and I love talking about it. Nothingoffensive in your questions, Iâm more than happy to reply! Reply under the cutthough, because itâs quite long.
Itâs hardfor me to tell how or when it began. I wish I could explain but itâs very messyfor myself and since dissociative amnesia is a possibility for me as well,remembering the very beginnings of mysystem is really hard.
Iâll try to keep this as short as possible so to be clear: I think the wholesystem thing manifested itself when I was still a child, but I donât remembervery well, and anyway I was too young to know the terminology, too young to even be aware that systems existed, so I canât say much about that time of my life.I just know that I wrote in my diaries that I wasnât alone in my head, morethan once, so something was already up back then, but I didnât document itenough to say more about it to this day :â/The whole system thing became very clear when I was 16/17. It was very hard atfirst, because I had no knowledge of systems, OSDD or DID, and I just felt likemy whole being was shattered, tore apart between incompatibles personalities.It was a very rough time. But then I found resources, I understood theconcept of systems/fragmented personalities and that helped a lot. I couldfinally acknowledged my alters as what they actually were (their own person,and not a âpartâ of me) and that was incredibly helpful. It took me months tolearn to properly interact with them (at first, only Geodosia and Wenn werearound) but we got there and we were a balanced but tiny system of three members.Then Bee happened, a year later â and a few months afterwards, Dollie happenedtoo. The last alter that âetchedâ is Ink â she appeared during the year, Januaryor February I think. But when youâre familiar with the whole process, it getseasier â itâs always a bit confusing at first (I personally always feel like myown personality is gone and replaced by someone else but then as soon as I canidentify the new presence as their own person, it gets easier.)Â
So, yep,basically: very confusing beginning, very messy and scary sometimes, but now itâsa lot smoother and incredibly helpful. I consider myself a lucky host â my headmates are here to help me and we all play a role in the system to make it so itremains balanced for everybody. Actually, thatâs my role. Making sure every newalter feels welcome (Dollie for example was seen as a danger at first and Wennwas wary â but I took the time to understand her better and now sheâsan important part of our system and even has a sisterly kind of bond withWenn!!)
Wenn is theprotector. She takes care of us, warns us about people that could be dangerous.She is the âguts feelingsâ, basically. Very instinctive, but also very wise andprotective.
Geodosia isvery benevolent. She is often around when I have good times and feel powerfulbecause she herself is a ball of energy in expansion. Geodosia representsendless potential and itâs very soothing to have her around when you think youwonât be able to achieve anything, ever. Sheâs very soft.
Dollie isthe trauma-holder. Sheâs⊠weird, and not social at all, and she straight upcomes from our csa so⊠but sheâs also very caring and she is here when Iâmneglected by my peers (especially my mother). Sheâs also here when I havenightmares. She takes care of me in a very sisterly/tender way and I love her alot.
Bee is achild! Very!! Excited!!! Child!!! Bee loves life, Bee loves everything andeveryone and they are unabashed to be so full of love and excitement. They helpa lot with my avpd (a disorder based on shame, obviously) and they are also rlyfunny. Very adorable child. Unlike the others, Bee loves to front! They loveinteracting with my friends and other people, they are very social :>
And Ink,our youngest member, is⊠the tears alter? She cries a lot. She cries with mewhen I cry. I have a very vivid picture of the headspace when it happens: we areboth sitting at the foot of her bed and we hold hands while we cry together. Itâsvery comforting and just like Bee, she reminds me that sadness or melancholiaare not to be ashamed of. Bee and Ink are siblings btw, and they complementeach other very well. They are happier together, too :â>Â
That gotlong sorry dksdksd I love my headmates I love them so much I could talk aboutthem for hours!!!! So Iâll just conclude by replying to your last question: theheadmates that come out the most are Wenn, Dollie and Bee. Geodosia is veryquiet, often dormant (unreachable) (tho she used to front by the past) and Ink has a very specific purpose so sheâsnot around as much as the others. (I donât think she wants to anyway).
But itâsalso something that varies â lately my system as a whole has been very quiet.At other times, they are here a lot. I love it more when they are aroundbecause I love their presence and company but I understand that sometimes, theycanât be here. Systems are not clear-cut science, itâs hard to know whatâs upwith them sometimes. But I know that even if my headmates go quiet sometimes,even for a long period of time, they will eventually come back and itâs a verycomforting thought :â>Â
Ok I hope Ireplied to your questionsâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠim sorry it got so long I got carried awaydksjdksd but thank u for giving me an opportunity to talk abt my system, I loveyou for being interested in it!! Of course this is my experience as a host, and systems are, like many other things,spectrums so my experience remains very personal.I hope you have a niceday/night anon, thank u again for asking abt my system
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