#i remember that one time a kid asked me for genuine advice that would actually help her improve

[cangrellesteponme]

i feel like i'd be the worst art mentor bc most of my advice can be boiled down to "don't be dumb, use your eyes", "if you don't understand it, you can't draw it", and "bitch just study realism already". all of this is true but hearing it makes people give up lmao

[gay-dorito-dust]

Can I please request Bill thinking he finally found a human who won't betray him, someone he really enjoyed the company of (but would never admit to that because Bill) only to find them trying to destroy the portal?

This is long as shit, be warned and I tried to keep bill in character as much as possible but he might be ooc at some points.

Your first meeting with Bill was one he didn’t expect. When faced with something you know isn’t normal, the response Bill was expecting was you running away until you were out of sight, talking off the ears of anyone who’d head your warning but you instead smiled at him.

‘Nice bow tie and top hat sentient triangle.’ You said.

‘The names Bill Cipher, so you can stop calling me that name, I find it rather insulting, and thanks! I dress to impress but most people just run away or scream bloody murder to appreciate my effort to look presentable’ he replies, finding himself a new human pet to play with after swearing to himself that Sixer would be the last, Bill was a liar and he knew it, messing with humans and destroying their physique was the most genuine fun he’s had in a long, long while.

This was merely the begging of yours and Bills weird friendship and it was only going to get weirder from this point onwards.

Being friends with a sentient triangle dream demon was…a experience indeed as you’d often wake to him floating above you, drinking something through a silly straw and wearing a hat unlike the usual slim black top hat he wore, only to find out that he had somehow snuck several chicken into your room that had scaly dragon legs and could breath fire.

That took a while for you to get ride of them with a wooden broom and not have it set on fire when the chickens retaliate with fire.

‘How did you find such things?’ You’d ask Bill when sitting down to eat breakfast.

He shrugs. ‘You search for a realm that swaps certain anatomy of animals and play a demented game of mix and match to see what monstrosities to humanity could be made and bingo! Infinite possibilities of scaring or scaring people for the rest of their lives! ha ha!’

‘And chickens with dragon feet and could breath fire is your go to choice, wasn’t there anything else you could’ve chosen from?’ You inquired as you took a bite of your breakfast and immediately grimacing when you felt something was off.

‘Oh sure there was and- oh you’ve found where I put my mealworms from last week.’ Bill casually told you as he plays with his silly straw while you spat your breakfast out into a nearby bin, wiped your mouth before pushing the plate away from you as your appetite was ruined.

'glad to be of help. buddy.' you replied as you decided that it would be best to wait for bill to disappear before attempting to eat and or drink again.

As the weeks progress Bill found himself enjoying your company more than he originally suspected, sure you were fun to mess with and play impractical pranks on from time to time. However -and he’ll never admit this ever- he had come to actually enjoy spending time with you and getting to know you outside of his personal human plaything.

Bill begrudgingly remembered your least favourite family member and why, your favourite colour, your first pets name and so much more that he would deem unimportant; to things that were deep and personal to you such as your fear of being alone or not taken seriously enough. To which he offered some -albeit questionable- advice.

‘Listen if everyone takes themselves seriously or someone wants everyone else to take them seriously, then who’s going to laugh at kids when they fall over, or at people who make an fool of themselves as they fall upon their own sword of hubris.’ Bill tells you once as you both sat on the roof of your home, star gazing.

‘And what am I meant to take away from all that ?’ You asked, not understanding what he was getting with this.

‘Don’t take yourself too seriously or expect others to either when you know that version of yourself will be someone you’ll sooner regret wishing for.’ Bill responded.

‘Do you miss home?’ You then asked him out of the blue and Bill couldn’t help but be a little taken aback by it.

‘Home..’ bill trailed off as he took his hat off, reached a hand inside and pulled out a glowing atom, the remains of his home. ‘This is what remains of my home.’ He tells you rather sombrely, remembering the last time he told a human of his origins, only for him to dedicate himself into destroying him.

‘I’m..I’m so sorry I didn’t-‘ you’d tried to apologise but bill held up a hand as he returned the remains of his home back into his top hat before putting it back on his head.

‘It’s fine. I was bound to tell you about that sooner or later.’ He waves his hand but you could tell you struck a nerve.

‘Sooo…what happened to your home, only if you don’t mind me asking.’ - you

‘It was destroyed by a monster.’ Bill answered with a distant look in his eye.

‘As stupid as this will probably sound to you but you’ll always have a home with me, I hope you know that.’ You told him with the most genuine smile across your face and Bill couldn’t help but feel…touched by your words. He’s thrown and done everything to push you to the brink and all you’ve done was withstand him and his shenanigans all the while standing your ground.

‘You’re a strange human and your sentimentality makes me physically sick but…I guess I appreciate the thought.’ Bill had to force himself to say, he might as well have swallowed down stones with how hard it seemed for him to say anything remotely considerate. You were quite possibly the only human that showed him kindness and compassion and that made the dream demon feel weird and out of his depth.

Now that Bill was thinking about it not once had you ever given him a reason to distrust you, sure he was suspicious of you at first, but overtime you have proven yourself to be the most trustworthy person in his long, long life. You had made him feel unlike anything he’s felt before and that made him on edge, just in the case that he was being lured into a false sense of security later down the line, but nope you didn’t do such a thing and stayed open and honest him no matter what.

It almost made bill feel bad about the shit he put you through but soon he’d come to regret saying these words, for not even a week later and Bill caught you red handed destroying his portal after searching the house for you when you didn’t greet him like usual.

‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!’ He screamed, his body burning brightly at the betrayal you’ve just committed, was everything you said a lie? Were you just as good at pulling people along as he was? How long have you been waiting for this exact moment to get back at him?

‘What does it look like, I’m destroying the portal.’ Your reply was stone cold as you continued to dismantle the portal piece by piece while Bill shouted profanities at you.

‘YOU LIED TO ME!’ - bill

‘That’s cute coming from someone who takes sick enjoyment in breaking every human he comes across, pushing them into utter madness with no remorse!’ You chuckled humourlessly as you looked at the dream demon who looked about ready to either cry or combust.

‘YOU LIED TO ME!’ Bill repeated as his anger only grew stronger the more he began to think back on all of your heart to heart moments and wonder whether they were fake too? Did you not mean it when you said that he had a home with you?

‘I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell you the whole truth.’ You retorted. ‘Now are you going to shut up and kill me or keep ranting on how I somehow betrayed you because either way I don’t care.’ You added as you watched the triangular demon closely.

‘Kill you? Oh no sweetie, you’ve just earned a fate WORSE THEN DEATH! Eternal torture until you speak the truth and then torture you so more because I find your pathetic humans pain funny!’ Bill laughed maniacally. ‘And to think I was starting to like you, you just had to go and stab me in the back!’

You shrug, trying to hide how scared you were in this moment, knowing that even if you did scream for help it would be far too late by the time Ford, Stan or either dipper or Mabel to save you and you were okay with that. ‘First time for everything right?’ You asked with a smile. ‘I’m sure you’ll get use to it sooner or later.’

Bill’s eye was wide and looking maniacal in the moment as his voice was oddly and unnervingly calm that it froze your blood. ‘You humans might act brave in the face of danger, but what I’m capable will have you wishing you never picked up that wrench or tried playing the hero. For playtime is over.’

[raccoon-in-the-danger-room]

Logan, Laura, Russell, and Wade are such a wild found family combo wombo.

Wade is the dad who's always wanted kids but doesn't know how to actually handle them and would gladly encourage the kids to disembowel or burn their high school bullies, no questions asked. He forgets to pick them up at school most of the time, but always shows up at PTA meetings because he remembers that one teacher they off handedly complain about. Whenever he packs them lunch, it's definitely not healthy, but he makes sure there's a lot of it so they never feel hungry. When he hears that they have a crush on someone for the first time, he pulls them aside to have the most insane and cringey but thorough sex ed class they've ever been in -- it ends with him giving them both condoms, dental dams, and a coupon to Adam and Eve. He absolutely loooooooooves being a Karen when it comes to school. Every staff member there thinks he's the worst parental figure they've ever met, but they can say whatever they want. Cause when he does manage to pick them up on time, Laura and Russell have the biggest smiles on their faces as they bum rush him into a big group hug.

Logan is the dad who never really wanted kids but is so good with them because he wants them to be better than him. Also helps that he was still a teacher in The Worst Timeline. Whenever they need genuine advice, they turn to him. Sometimes he rambles or tells a weird anecdote before getting to the point, but he gives his honest advice about whatever they're going through mixed with some wisdom from Charles. He's really good at observing his kids -- knows their tells when they're lying, knows the signs of when they're hangry instead of actually angry, can tell the difference when they're silent or when they've become nonverbal because something really bad happened -- and adjusts accordingly. When Laura starts speaking in rapid, rabid Spanish he'll grab her hand and squeeze it gently so she can calm down from an anxiety attack. When Russell starts impersonating Wade (more than usual) and deflecting questions about how school's going, he'll take him to their favorite burger joint to eventually talk about his bullies. He stays up late, wearing his old man glasses, to help the kids with their homework because he "has insomnia anyways" so he might as well double check their work. He's especially good at history.

I think they all really love each other so much. Don't even get me started on Laura and Russell's sibling relationship. I could write a whole separate post about them and how Russell has such a HUGE big brother complex, is always hyping Laura up at her sport matches, or how Laura always protects Russell at school and he doesn't even know about it.

Anyways, I love found family and I think they're the wackiest bunch of them all.

[pupyuj]

[cw: g!p liz, pregnancy, breeding kink, lactation kink]

i wasn’t meant to write anything for this bcs i was literally just sitting eating breakfast this morning when the thought of baby daddy jiwon graced my brain and i laughed at it for a second but then it got serious so now ya’ll have to indulge me bcs??? 🤤🤤 also not me saying that that one baby daddy yuj was the only time i’ll write abt pregnancy and yet here we are…

kinda long bcs i rlly loved the fluffy stuff so hehe have fun 💖

we’re all thinking about the same thing, right? your chaotic mess of a girlfriend jiwon feeling as if her whole world was turned upside down when you sit her down and give her the news in the morning where the two of you were supposed to go on a cute picnic date 😭 you can’t tell me she wouldn’t sit there for at least half an hour taking everything in, merely just staring at the wall with her mouth hanging open for so long you thought it would get stuck that way 😭😭 and ykw you were worried for a bit!! the two of you certainly didn’t plan on this happening and this was the clear result of both of you forgetting to use protection that one night where you were just eager to feel the other’s skin,, you half expected jiwon to be angry and lash out at you but no! ofc weird ass jiwon takes a deep breath before pulling you up to your feet and hugging you 🥺

she figured that the news was even harder on you since you were the one carrying the kid,, and being the amazing girlfriend she was, she prioritized your feelings over her own,, comforting you, whispering sweet nothings in your ear when you broke down in her arms not bcs you were upset abt being pregnant or anything but bcs you were just relieved that jiwon wasn’t going to abandon you 🥺🥺 and you’d still go on that picnic date with her! it would be awkward at first but best believe she’s promising to be there for you and with you every step of the way whether or not you decide to keep the baby 🥹💞

i believe in the ‘jiwon would be a wonderful soon-to-be-daddy’ agenda! due to her genuine fear of fucking shit up, she’d probably read countless parenting books 😭😭 sure she knew how to take care of a little kid or two but not a baby! let alone one that she made! she’s reading books, getting ahead of the game and researching and possibly buying all the stuff your kid needs, asking her parents for advice… jiwonie just wants to be the perfect partner and parent 🥺💕 you’d find her in the kitchen one day practicing how to make milk—as in making sure it’s the correct temperature and that it tastes good.. don’t ask her how many times she has actually finished a whole tiny bottle of baby milk 😭😭

and now to the nasty parts! ☺️ if i remember correctly i said this same thing about baby daddy yuj (🤤… sorry—) but jiwonie would sometimes find herself staring at you and thinking back to the night she got you knocked up! it would be worse with her though—unlike yujin’s massive ego showoff, she’s more… dreamy about it? 😭 like she’s really basking in every detail of that night from the stumbling-into-your-bedroom shit while giggling, practically ripping each other’s clothes off while making out, jiwon surprising you with her hidden strength when she suddenly just pushes you into the bed and quite literally gives you the best fucking of your life?? all that of that along with seeing that growing bump in your stomach and your now swollen tits heavy with milk, well… nobody can blame jiwon from getting hard on the spot!

also becomes a clingy perv 🤤🤤 obsessed with backhugging you randomly and kissing your neck bcs it makes you giggle bcs ur ticklish and she loves hearing you laugh BUT ALSO you whimper and get goosebumps all over your skin so it just… turns her on so much 🫣 loves caressing your little baby bump while she half listens to you yap about your day and half touches you all over 😳 you don’t notice what she’s doing until one of her hands is squeezing your inner thigh and the other is making its way up to your breasts,, “our kid’s very lucky.. they have the prettiest mom in the whole world.” and she’s leaving marks all over your neck and shoulder while she feels up your soaked panties… 🫣🫣

jiwon’s a love-maker so expect to be gently fucked while standing by the sink! has definitely memorized each and every spot that has you scratching her arms and curling your toes so you were just completely at her mercy the entire time! the contrast of jiwon telling you the sweetest and prettiest things in your ear while she softly fucks you into an orgasm that has you seeing white?? see, she’s all hot and sexy while fucking you but then you turn around after getting situated and you see a wet spot in the middle of her pants.. even she would laugh and cover up her red face 😭 but she can’t help it okay?! it’s totally normal for someone to cum while fucking their partner.. jiwon just happened to be so stinking cute while doing so that you can’t help but take her to bed afterwards 🤭

now as we’ve established before, jiwon’s always taking care of you and that pretty much tripled every time you wanted to do something ‘drastic’ in terms of sex!☝️ jiwon is always careful when in bed with you, only choosing positions that were safe and comfortable for you even if they weren’t for her! even if you have her rolling her eyes to the back of her head while you ride her, jiwon’s still looking out for you! whether it may be asking if you’re okay, if anything hurts, or just singing your praises to ease you 🥺🥺

jiwon’s so weak against dirty talk too?? 😭 especially when you tell her you want to make a big family with her bcs she knows that means you want her to get you pregnant over and over and yk what that does to her brain?? it almost literally shuts it down bcs she gets sooo turned on at the idea 😵‍💫 sometimes she even thinks about it when she’s cleaning up the house or at work and has to run to the bathroom bcs her fucking cock just wants to burst out of her pants 😭 baby can’t control it, she always needs you :((

ah yeah and the moment your tits start leaking?? it’s so over bcs you’d think that jiwon wouldn’t get even more obsessed with you than she already is but you’re so wrong‼️‼️ teases you and calls you ‘mommy’ a lot while licking and sucking away at your breasts.. and eye contact is a must bcs she loves the flush on your cheeks as you watched her lap all of your milk up! 🫣 and she definitely makes a joke abt being the one to drink your breastmilk if your kid ever gets tired of it but the two of you know damn well it’s not just a joke 🤭 jiwon also loves massaging your breasts to ease the tension in your shoulders and god her dick just gets so fucking hard when she feels her hands get wet w your milk 😵‍💫

in all of your years dating jiwon you never could have guessed that there was a gentlewoman in her! definitely the perfect balance of being a good mommy and a very charming daddy 🥺🥺 speaking of which, her knees turn into jelly whenever you ‘jokingly’ call her ‘daddy’ in and out of bed 🫣 she’s the cutest baby daddy ever 💕

[willsimpforanyone]

Hello! I'm not sure if you are taking requests right now, but I'd you are could you do something with a daughter of medusa who us almost or fully blind and everyone avoids her except for percy who has a crush on her? Can end however ypu would like :).

And remember to take of yourself and drink water!!! ❤️

thank u my lovely <3 hope u enjoy

i do have bad vision but i am not blind, so i apologise for inaccuracies,

-----------------------------

medusa was blessed with a daughter

gorgeously thick, curly hair, strong as hell, brought up by your mother as best she could

she was so happy when you opened your eyes as a baby and no one you looked at turned to stone

her curse was not yours!

it only took a moment for her to realise her curse had a different effect on you

you were not cursed, but as a side effect of being medusa's child, you were almost completely blind

growing up, you never realised there was anything too different about you

why would you? your mother raised you and she kept her eyes covered most of the time, she knew how to live as a blind woman in a seeing world

things got worse as you got older, and around 10 years old is when it got really bad

the monsters were relentless, and even medusa hiding you away didn't seem to help with the nightmares

so, when you were 12, she brought you to the camp

chiron was hesitant, but knew you meant no harm - you were a scared, lonely kid, like so many others before you

kinda for the first time, you were interacting with people who could see

it wasn't hard to guess who your mother was, and apparently that was enough for the other kids to reject you immediately

you learned to wear sunglasses or some kind of fabric over your eyes, otherwise some kid would start screaming

the first couple years of teenhood were rough

of course. you learned to live with it

you learned to become incredibly spacially aware, to be able to walk into a room and know exactly how many people there were and where they were standing

there were some kids who were alright, some from the athena cabin were civil despite their mom being the one who cursed yours

occasionally, though, there was a kid called percy

a son of posiden, who you were suitably wary enough of (again, considering the story)

he came to camp a little before you did, and was off on a quest when you actually arrived

it was an odd introduction

"hi, i'm percy, i kinda killed your mom"

you had shrugged, fingers still trailing over the book in front of you

"i know. she sent me an iris message from the underworld. it's not the first time someone's killed her, she'll be back in a few days"

the silence that followed was one of awkward expectation, and you snorted a laugh. "dude, chill out, i don't care anymore"

he'd hesitantly accepted your acceptance and had left, and you'd thought that would be the end of it

to your surprise, he would come back and talk

a friendship blossomed over the next couple years, something that was new to you

you genuinely liked him

he didn't ask questions about being blind all the time, he didn't scream when your sunglasses slipped down your nose, he seemed to automatically let you know what he was doing and where he was in your space

with him came grover, the somewhat nervous satyr who calmed down once annabeth, percy's other friend, slapped the back of his head when he asked if your hair was just a bunch very thin snakes

this was more friends than you'd had in your life, and it was kind of incredible

annabeth got some books in greek braille, and together you discovered that it was easier for you to read - the ancient greek hardwire was still very much present in your brain, even if you couldn't see the letters

percy, however, went the extra mile every time

every activity you were hesitant about, he was right there with you, describing the new areas, offering to help but never touching you or giving advice unless you asked first

any time something changed with the camp, whether it was a part of the forest or the layout of the camp itself, he'd go with you to explore the differences to change the mental map you had in your head

late nights were reserved for sitting together around a campfire, maybe with grover and annabeth, maybe not

but they were a time for you to ask questions instead

what colour were the new swords? what does bronze look like? is the red of the strawberries as sweet as they taste?

he would answer as best he can, trying to explain from every angle, like trying not to use other colours to explain another colour

one night, in your fourth year of camp, you got up the courage to ask him the question you'd been wanting to ask him forever

"percy? what do i look like?"

there was a pause, and you knew he had turned to look at you by the rustling of his hair

...a minute passes, and you shift in your seat

"you don't have to tell me, it's fine, forget i asked-"

"no!"

he interrupts you, blurting out a protest a little louder than he intended

he continues, clearing his throat

"no, i just- would it be okay if you took your sunglasses off? so i can give you the best description?"

in answer, you slipped off your sunglasses, hanging them in the neck of your t-shirt

all you could see was a faint warm, orange-yellow glow from the fire

percy takes a breath

"okay, here goes- you're beautiful. i-i know that isn't much but... you look warm. like the feeling of coming back to our cabin at the end of a really good day, tired but happy, and everything is quiet and calm and cosy and you know you're gonna sleep so good. you look like sunsets over the sea, like someone has managed to set the horizon on fire but, y'know. less dangerous than setting fire to things."

you laugh, subconsciously leaning against his shoulder with your heart trying to keep pace with the butterflies in your stomach

"yeah? i look warm?"

his voice is almost a whisper

"right now, yeah. the firelight is reaching out over the grass to touch you, preferring to have you warm than the trees around us. if we were regular teenagers, we could be telling scary stories"

i rest my hand, palm up, on his knee, a silent way of telling him to give me his hand

he does so, and i link our fingers together tightly, a 'thank you' that we don't need to hear

"percy?"

"yeah?"

"what do you look like right now?"

another pause, and he squeezes my fingers gently

"i think... right now, i look like i'm completely in love with you"

my head lifts from his shoulder, head turned to him as if i need to hear him better, like we aren't side to side, holding hands

"you... what?"

he breathes a shaky laugh, and i feel his hand move to pause just over my cheek

"sorry, that wasn't a great description, but i couldn't think of anything else to say. can i put my hand on your cheek?"

slowly, i nod, feeling his warm palm settle against my skin, his thumb brushing over my cheek

"please say no if you don't want me to," he whispers, voice nervous but also filled with hope

"but can i please kiss you?"

i don't need to be able to see to know how big he smiles when i say "yes"

------------------------

i hope that was okay? i tried my best, if anyone has an issue with it or wants me to correct something, let me know!

[salaimoi]

first story from my new, ongoing series: talk to me nice. feel free to leave any constructive criticism! (I can handle it, unlike Gojo)

"Look, I didn't ask for your stupid advice, so don't pretend like you know everything."

Gojo hissed at you, nearly popping a vein from how smug you were being right now.

The only thing you suggested was that he stop dressing like somebody’s grandpa all the time – he had a physique carved by the gods themselves, why not put it to use? Such a waste, honestly.

"Mm~ whatever. So sassy," you replied, followed by an eye roll violent enough to nearly cause your eyes to fall clean off your skull. “Ever heard of constructive criticism?”

"Yeah, yeah. You know, instead of just giving me advice all the time, why don't you compliment me for once? You know, say something nice about me — it's not that hard. "

"Me? Compliment you? Gojo please. Unless you wire me every single yen in your bank account, you won't hear a single praise come out of this mouth.”

Even though he himself felt very frustrated right now, he couldn't stop himself from enjoying the banter – so much so that he would begin to grin as he tried to control himself from bursting out laughing. You were playing a dangerous game here because he could actually make this deal happen, and you were perfectly aware of that — but despite that, you were still trying to push his buttons and he’d make you eat your words because of it.

"You know what, I think I will actually do just that. So let me ask you, what happens when I send over every yen in my bank account, will you genuinely compliment yours truly?" he smirks in that usual arrogant manner, growing more and more interested by the second. "I better get my money’s worth, you know."

Still thinking he was bluffing, you replied, "Obviously. But you only get one compliment."

"Humm~ fine, and it better be the most heart shattering compliment in the history of compliments — soul crushing even. Now, I'll go ahead and transfer you the money," he paused for a moment before remembering something rather important. 

"I need your bank account number to wire the money."

"W-wait … you're not serious are you?”

"Why would I lie? I’m serious about this and you'll also be serious about your part, got it? So I need that bank account number now."

"Are you insane!? I was only kidding, genius!"

"Maybe I am, but I'm doing this because I really want your compliment. So don't try to discourage me because for every minute we spend arguing here, I'm losing my patience.”

And it wasn’t like he needed your flattery; he just wanted to hear you sing his praises as a contrast to your usual behavior. You were always so cold and apathetic around him, but he knew that wasn’t the real you — and he took it upon himself to reveal the side you buried under that stoic facade. 

“So just tell me your bank account number and I'm going to transfer the money to your account right now — the full 59 billion."

Your body froze in utter shock as you realized he was dead serious. Straightening yourself on the mattress, your mouth hung wide open — staring at him in disbelief. The realization of it all was enough to cause one of your eyes to twitch in perplexity.

"Gojo you must've lost your mind if you think I'm gonna accept that,” you scoffed at how insufferable he really was, but secretly loving every second of it. "Who in their right mind would spend ¥59 billion on one compliment?"

"Only people who can afford it, of course,” he smirks cynically, tossing his phone up into the air just for it to land right back onto his palm. “If you ask me, ¥59 billion is too small a price for a compliment directly out of that pretty mouth of yours.” 

“You’re insufferable. For fucks sake, you should have a mental disorder named after you.”

“But you can't actually deny that I'm pretty charming, can you? You might not show a hint of  affection, but I think it's pretty obvious that you like my insufferable attitude. Or are you gonna deny that you don't?"

He unlocked his phone, opening the banking app and going into the transfer section.

You didn’t hesitate to smack the phone out of his hand, causing it to fall down on the bed. 

"Satoru, are you even listening to me!!??"

"Heh~ you're actually quite impressive when you finally get serious. You were really quick there with that tiny hand of yours.”

“This tiny hand of mine will be enclosing around your neck until you’re out of oxygen if you continue to act like an unsupervised child with access to money.”

His expression was thoughtful for a few seconds before he pointed at you, flashing his pearly whites.

"You know, you're actually pretty attractive when you get all aggressive like that. It really looks cute on you. I don't know if I can actually handle someone who's this much of a pain in the ass but still has a cute side to her."

He chortles, leaning back on the headboard before continuing, "See? That’s how you compliment someone, wasn’t that hard now was it? Now you do it.”

Your eyes narrow, two fingers rubbing at your temples as you contemplate the situation.

"You know what. Fine. If you want to recklessly spend your money like this, I'll give you what you want. No comment until I see that money in my bank account, though."

This reply made him burst out laughing, his grin becoming a bit bigger and he began to speak with a playful tone.

"Alright, if you say so. But just remember, it'll be too late to back out after I've already sent the money…”

[One new notification: direct deposit from Gojo Satoru received. New balance: ¥59,000,000,000.024.]

"..."

“Don’t you have anything to say?”

"...you have nice eyes?"

"..."

"..."

“I want a refund right this instant, y/n.”

[wekiamo]

fell harder pt 2

skeet ulrich x fem!reader

a/n: here goes part 2! this is a lil longer than my fics usually are, i hope thats not a problem! have fun reading 🤍 BTW SKEET IN THIS GIF BYEE that man is something else

pt. 3 & masterlist

warnings: swearing, fluff

you didn’t get to sleep a lot at night. maybe it’s the anxiety you’re feeling, knowing that today you were going to meet almost everyone you were going to see very often from now on. it’s not a big deal for you, the only big deal is that in “everyone”, skeet ulrich is included.

you fear you’re gonna get nervous and say something weird, act weird making him dislike you. if that was anyone else, it would be okay. but imagine skeet ulrich disliking you? that’s what you think for almost 5 minutes after getting up from bed, while looking at yourself in the mirror.

you figure out you have to convince yourself that he’s a normal person just like you, and that there’s nothing to be scared about.

“yeah, it’s not a big deal. so what if he doesn’t like me?” you tell youself, before opening your fridge and grabbing an apple. you continue talking “i shouldn’t care about what he thinks of me. he’s a human like anyone else, so i’m gonna act like i always do. that’s it!” you sound more convinced than you thought you would be, and that makes a smile grow in your face.

you jump happily around the house, until you get to the couch and throw yourself on it. you turn on the TV and you start watching some kids show, too busy biting your apple to change the channel.

it’s silly, but you find yourself not wanting to change it, so you just keep watching it until you’re done with your apple. you turn off the TV, and start feeling sleepy.

you close your eyes slowly, and then you fall asleep.

—

“damn, that was the best nap i’ve took in such a long time” you say, before checking what time is it.

it’s 4 pm. you remember you didn’t ask dave what time you’re supposed to show up to dinner, then you make your way to your room to get your phone.

“Hey Y/n, meet us at 7. I can pick you up if you want to” 2:20 pm

“smart guy” you think “it’d be cool if he picked me up. meeting someone for the first time in their car would be a… would be definitely a new experience”

“hey, sorry for taking too long, i took a nap” 4:07 pm

“but yes! imma send you my address rq hold on” 4:07 pm

you send him your adress.

you’re hungry.

it’s time for Topanga’s Burgers - your favorite place in the world. well, not really but thats what you call it. actually, it’s just your favorite place to eat burgers. its really near your house and that makes you love it even more. you have befriended literally all the workers there. you love the fact they’re all kind and they really like what they’re doing, you really appreciate it. it makes you remember of how amazing would it be if you had a job you’d love doing. and your last job was definitely not something you loved doing, in fact, it was the complete opposite. you quit it not too long ago and you were living with your savings and your mom’s salary. she lives with you, but she’s on vacation now. anyways, Topanga’s Burgers definitely gives you motivation to keep working hard to get where you want.

you take a bath, put on some clothes you like, do your personal hygiene, and you leave your house.

“y/n!!” a worker greets you with a big smile on her face, leaving the cashier area to come and give you a hug.

“keisha! hey, how have you been?” you hug her back tightly, happy to see her again.

keisha is a 40 years old cheerful and awesome woman. she’s probably one of the most fun friends you have. she also gives you amazing advice about literally anything you ask her about. she’s the best

“i’ve been worried about you. it’s been 3 days you’re not even coming to greet us anymore!” she says, with a genuine look of worry in her eyes. that statement of hers make it pretty obvious you come here a lot.

“yes, and i’m sorry! but i got some pretty good news”

“save it just for a minute” she says, and turns around to call the rest of the workers to hear the news you have “guys, come here! y/n’s back with good news”

everyone in the burger shop starts looking, but you don’t really care. it doesn’t embarrass you anymore.

you greet everyone coming your way as they make a circle and adjust to it, to hear the news.

“come closer” you say, and they do.

“you know when i auditioned for scream 7, right? so… i did it”

“YOU GOT THE ROLE?” keisha screamed, as some other workers gasp.

“I DID” you reply with a big smile and a happy nod, as they start jumping and screaming in excitement as you do too.

“you’re not so useless, are you?” tom joked, and everyone laughed including you.

“but seriously now, who’s going to be working with you?” tom asked in a curious tone

“there’s someone special. really special”

“hurry and give us a hint” said angelica, a funny old woman who works as a cleaning lady.

“okay, okay, you’ll have to get it right. it’s this really hot middle-aged man who you all know i always had a crush on”

“no way. skeet ulrich? he’s going to be in scream 7 too?”

“yes ma’am!”

“guys, didn’t scream end in the third movie?” linda asked.

“shut up linda, let her speak” the old woman shushed her daughter, making everyone let out a laugh

“and i’m going to meet him. today”

“wait the shootings are already starting?” tom asked you.

“no, it’s just that the cast is going to have dinner together today. and i’m going to meet SKEET ULRICH”

“tell us more. where’s it gonna be?”

“i’ll tell you all after you take my order, ‘cause im like really hungry… please?”

keisha comes running to the cashier area, to get your order. there’s another man there too in all black with a black cap too, kind of covering his face - he's probably waiting for a while now since the workers were all in a circle screaming and jumping few seconds ago.

you watch keisha greet the guy and take his order, walking to the cashier area to stand right beside him.

as she’s there taking notes of his order, he looks at you and pushes his cap up, while you turn your head to see him. you’re now able to see his face.

“oh my fucking god” you think.

“hi, i’m skeet. what a funny coincidence! we’re filming scream 7 together, right?” he greets you with a handshake and a grin, as you turn your body to him and not just your head

keisha gasps. she starts laughing at your face as she goes to prepare his order.

there’s no fucking way. skeet ulrich is right in front of you and 100% heard you saying he’s hot and you have a crush on him. your cheeks turn red.

“hello” you say stuttering a bit “i’m y/n y/l/n, it’s nice to meet you” your hands still in his. his touch is warm and you find yourself not wanting to drop it. but you did, before it makes the situation awkward.

it’s not like you love him. it’s just that you’ve had a crush on him for the last 15 years. not a big deal… right?

you remember your own words.

i shouldn’t care about what he thinks of me. he’s a human like anyone else, so i’m gonna act like i always do.

“that’s it” you finish your sentence once again, but this time not out loud.

“so…” he starts

“here’s your order, sir. sorry for the wait, again”

“it’s okay, don’t worry about it. i was called hot, you know”

he really heard you. “shit”, you think to yourself

keisha laughs. you eye her, looking done and she covers her mouth to stop laughing.

“i’ll wait for you”

“nice. he wants to sit with me. how awkward is that going to be?” you think, but you stop quickly “no. it’s not going to be awkward. once again, he’s just a normal guy who’s talking to me! nothing more than that”

“like always, please”

keisha nods, still with a smile in her face stopping herself from laughing again. she goes to the kitchen and start preparing your order.

“listen, i’m sorry. can you pretend you didn’t hear me? please?”

“right ma’am. you didn’t lie, though. i am indeed hot”

“hey!” you reply, chuckling.

“sorry, sorry. but you laughed”

you start talking to him, waiting for keisha to come with your order. she’s usually really fast with your order, but today it’s taking a little too long.

she’s definitely doing it on purpose for you to keep talking to him.

you’re really enjoying it, though. he’s a nice guy and you’re a nice girl, a perfect match. you seem to get along really well. you notice something quickly - his moves are gentle and not too fast. you’re the complete opposite, but you love it when people move calmly like this, it comforts you, you have no idea why.

keisha gives you your order as you thank her and gives her a smile.

“let’s go ma’am” he smirks at you, guiding you to a table.

“you come here often?” he asks, obviously making fun of you

“take a guess” you say and you both giggle.

“is it going to be your first time?” he asks

“hm?”

“playing a part in a movie”

oh.

“ah yes. i’ve never been part of a movie before. i’m really nervous about it to be honest. i’m not sure if i’ll be able to do my best”

“don’t worry, it’s not rocket science. all you’re going to do is pretend to be someone for a while”

“are you sure that’s all?”

“well, i told myself that exact same thing for every role i played and it went great”

“i’m talking to billy loomis right now, so i guess i’ll have to trust you.”

“yes, i’m a middle aged hot man, you should trust me”

you both laugh and he starts again “jokes aside, i’ll always be on set. if you need some advice, just call me and i’ll help you, ok?“

“thank you skeet. i really appreciate it”

you kept talking to him until you were both done eating.

somehow, this guy makes you feel comfortable around him. maybe it’s just your daddy issues, but you doubt it. this man has something in him that feels just right.

“we gotta go now. we have dinner with the cast, remember?”

“am i gonna have to see you again?” you joke as you get up and he does too, and he gasps ironically

“the middle-aged man here did not like it!”

“oh stop it” you say walking beside him to the exit and he chuckles softly.

“you want a ride home, kid?” skeet asks you, as he turns to you.

“no thanks, i live near here. you can go”

“okay then, see you later tonight!” he waves tilting his head and smiling softly as he enters his car. you wave back.

“wait”

“yes?”

“do you want me to pick you up for dinner?”

oh god. you wanted to say yes, but what about dave? wouldn’t he be upset?

“i’m sorry skeet, dave’s already going to pick me up” you say, with sort of a sad tone, trying not to upset skeet.

“it’s alright. dave, huh?” he smirks at you

“do not.” you reply quickly, raising your eyebrowns and lowering your head

“okay, okay” he laughs “see ya!”

you smile in response.

in 3 seconds, you’re going to process everything that just happened.

3,

2,

1.

“no way” you say out loud.

someone touched your shoulders behind you, making you jump with the unexpected touch, relaxing right after you see it’s angelica

“little girl you better tell me everything” she said with her hands still on your shoulders.

[jiyansthesis]

oooo can I request angst w keith? Maybe unrequited love ? Like reader and keith are childhood friends or sthm.

I ACTUALLY HATE WRITING ANGST. but it has to be done. i'm finishing writing a smut for him so 🙏I'LL TAKE THIS ONE. hint of klance?? really implied klance??. tbh i might make a second part if enough people want it

not proofread/really short because im ass at anything other than romance and smut

today was the day.

you straightened up from where you were sitting on your bed, holding a little letter in your hand. a letter you would give to keith if you were too scared to even say it straight to his face.

"i like you." it read. you slightly cringed at how it sounded like a middle schooler's confession letter.

but it was straightforward and got the point across. if it backfired, you could always make up some crazy backstory to the note, but you were sure it wasn't going to get to that point.

you were hoping it wouldn't.

you and keith have been basically tied together for as long as you could remember. you went through elementary school, middle school, and even the garrison academy, until he eventually dropped out.

somehow you had managed to follow him into space. a chance of fate, that one night you managed to follow lance and hunk and pidge.

now basically a medic, since you weren't meant to be a paladin and this was the best job you could fit into. and so far, you've been having the time of your life for the past few months.

of course, that didn't mean you were entirely relaxed all the time. it seemed way too often that one of the paladins have to come to you to fix up an injury they had received, either on a mission or even just practicing. keith was your most normal visitor, and you definitely weren't complaining. (but you were always worried for him.)

letting out a huge sigh, you stand up from your bed and make your way to the door, it sliding open once you were in close proximity. you began sweating as thoughts raced through your mind.

what if he genuinely doesn't like you like that?

what if this ruins what you guys have been building up for years?

what if this disgusts him and he never talks to you again?

what if he does something worse than him saying "no"?

you shook your head. you weren't too confident, but you also weren't going to dampen your mood. all you have to do is go up to him, hand him the note, and wait.

you were about to go search for keith, when it turns out you didn't have to move at all. he was making it down the hallway, and he perked up a little when he saw you standing there.

"hey, i have a question," he sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck when he had finished jogging towards you.

he noticed the envelope in your hands, but paid no mind to it as you gestured for him to come inside your room.

"so, what do you want to talk about?" you held off on confessing, opting to hear him out first since he did come looking for you, and you were curious. you placed the envelope on the drawer, right next to a picture of you and keith as kids that you had always kept on you.

he slumped onto your bed, letting out a big sigh as you could see he was struggling to find words for what he wanted to say.

"i don't know what to tell lance."

"tell lance?" you questioned. maybe he needed your advice to just talk to lance about something important.

"well. . ." he hesitated.

"you can tell me anything, keith," you made your way over to him and sat next to him.

"i don't know how to tell lance i like him."

you sure as fuck weren't expecting that.

your jaw dropped, and keith watched as you turned away from, not wanting him to see your glossy eyes.

"w-well." your voice cracked, you quickly covering it up with a cough. "sorry, allergies."

when you finally faced him again, you saw him looking at you questioningly. "you alright?"

"yeah, yeah." you rubbed your eyes as if they were itchy, playing into the 'allergies' cover-up. at least he won't ask why your eyes were red and teary.

(but you knew he was smarter than that.)

"hm, well." you tried not to think about it too hard, lest you start tearing up again. "just be bold and do it. you miss all the shots you don't take."

very ironic.

he grunted as he sat up. "as if i haven't been telling myself that for months.

months?

you've been pinning for a man who's liked someone else for months. all those years of childish infatuation down the drain. all the years of thinking about a future with him.

you wished you never met him.

quickly standing up so he wouldn't see the tears threatening to fall, you excused yourself.

"i have to use the bathroom. sorry keith, i'll see you later." right before you left, you turned your head at an angle so you could see him from the corner of your eyes.

"and remember, what could go wrong?" everything went wrong for you.

but you couldn't be mad at him. you were mad you didn't see the signs. it's not his fault he wasn't in love with you, and there was nothing you could do to change that. the most you could do out of love for him is hope that him and lance get together.

the door shut behind you, leaving a very confused keith on your bed.

he also made his way to the door, trying to build up confidence to ask lance out. his eyes trailed to the picture of you and him, and he smiled. he loved you like a sister, and couldn't imagine losing you, although you did seem a bit more distant after he. . .

he realized.

looking at the letter you left on the drawer, he saw that it was addressed to him.

he didn't bother opening it, because he already knew what was in it.

"fuck," he ran a hand through his hair. you were the last person he should've asked for advice. rushing, he went looking for you.

you on the other hand were in a random hallway, rubbing your wet face to make it look as presentable as possible before you went to the training deck to work out all your feelings. is it a healthy coping mechanism? probably not. but you didn't care.

how did you not see the way the two of them interacted? they were obviously a lot closer than with the other paladins. you were stupid.

never would you ever be blinded by hopeless love ever agai-

"something wrong?" you lifted your head to see shiro gazing at you worriedly.

part 2 with shiro!?!?!?

[spectator-zee]

Hey there! I saw you've been starting to expand your own rewrite so I'd thought of a few questions or you! Now I'm not fully versed in your Wish AU, but I'm genuinely curious. So here we go:

How did you come up with the idea of your rewrite? Was it from watching the Disney movie or other people's rewrites?

How does SFTS!Asha interact with other Wish AU Ashas?

Same as #2, but with Apollo and the other Starboys. 😂

How long does your storyline go on?

Uhhhh.... Any Angst, I'm still new to it. 😅

How many songs are you including in your rewrite? Do they include A Wish Worth Making, or This is the Thanks I Get or perhaps an original song?

Is there a Flazino in your rewrite?

When can we expect the first chapter?

Are all 7 Teens included in SFTS, or is it reduced? Or are they just wiped from existence? 😂

Out of questions, but I want to give you a hug:

Good luck on your stuff! 😎

1. How did you come up with the idea of your rewrite? Was it from watching the Disney movie or other people's rewrites?

I got inspiration from both my mutuals, the movie, some tropes i love from watching different anime and reading multiple Webtoons.

So my little wish au was born. It was initially was just going to be my little secret, just drawing my own version of Asha and Starboy and writing down some ideas for the AU whenever I have ideas for it, but when @signed-sapphire tagged me to recreate my Asha and Starboy on this picrew they found, well-

I was forced to reveal my two kiddos 🤧

(Just kidding Saph ily platonically-)

ANYWAYS-

Lots of stuff changed compared to the first draft too.

I actually had two other wish AUs before the current one i have right now.

One is a sort of villain AU of Asha and Starboy, where i named that Starboy Alzir. (I can't remember why i named that guy like that tho)

And one where Asha is the thought to be dead princess of Rosas turned vigilante of some sorts, also with a Starboy (also named Orion). The guy was WAY less traumatized than the current Orion, Good for him!

2. How does SFTS!Asha interact with other Wish AU Ashas?

The Kingdom of Roses and Thorns 🥀(by @your-ne1ghbor) My Asha enjoys spending time with Neighbor's TKoRaT!Asha, they would probably talk about hobbies and what they do to alleviate boredom when confined inside a castle. Though my Asha mostly focused on her job of doing paperwork and castle finances and whatever the heck a princess's job is inside the castle idk. Imagine Navier from Remarried Empress, i definitely got inspired by her a lot when it comes to my Asha.

The Fallen Star 🌠 by @signed-sapphire She would probably not get along with Saph's Asha very much, she'd also try to reel TFS!Asha back whenever she's being rude to someone.

I feel there would be a scenario where TFS!Asha would be ranting to my Asha about the TFS!Seven teens for not appreciating their perfect and benevolent princess and my Asha would just be looking at paperwork and be like-

"Mhm" "Yes, that must be awfully tragic"

My Asha would NOT be listening at all LOL

Reach for the Stars 🌌 @oh-shtars At this point she's not surprised that there's an AU where she's a servant instead. She'd also be kinda akward towards her. since most of the castle staff in my AU knows of her existence but hasn't seen her personally or thinks she's intimidating/standoffish and she'd try her best to not "scare" RFTS!Asha.

Aled Wish au 🏙️ by @uva124 They'd bond over coffee and overworking maybe?

The Kingdom of Wishes 🌟 by @annymation She'd ask advice on how to draw other people, as she only knows how to draw herself, her surroundings and some animals.

Wish Granted @rascalentertainments She can't tell if WG!Asha doesn't like her or not because of her sarcasm. Though she thinks that WG!Asha probably already doesn't like her due to her being adopted by the Royal couple.

The Wishing Kingdom 🏰 @chillwildwave She'd relate on to her not being good at magic and both of their Magnificos berating them for not being good at it, she'd try to teach some of the spells she learned by herself to TWK!Asha tho.

The Assistant and the Star 📚 @tumblingdownthefoxden If she ever hears about TaatS! Asha was being stalked, she would have been pretty pissed and if she had the authority, she would have had them arrested and served prison time or community service.

Cause..im pretty sure that STALKING SOMEONE THAT IS THE KING'S APPRENTICE ARE PROBABLY GROUNDS TO SOME PUNISHMENT AT LEAST

3. Same as #2, but with Apollo and the other Starboys.

The Kingdom of Roses and Thorns 🥀 With Neighbor's TKoRaT! Star, Orion sees him as his first Starboy friend, his homie, his first partner in crime! Whenever he wants to hang out with someone (that isn't Asha), he goes to find him first...and drags him along with his shenanigans

The Fallen Star 🌠 With Saph's Cielo, he now has a pranking buddy! (Besides TKoRaT!Star of course) He does get concerned that he trusts so easily towards strangers. But good thing he's a living lie detector and he'll look out for any bad guy that wanna take advantage of him....aaand cue him shooting an arrow at TFS!Mag. Sorry Saph-

Reach for the Stars 🌌 Sueño my boy, Orion would play music for him whenever he sees Sueno is upset or uncomfortable to calm his nerves. When he heard about how he got imprisoned by Magnifico and got his magic drained for years...well, let's just say he had a violent reaction and RFTS!Magnifico is going to be a pincushion once Orion gets his hands on him--

Aled Wish au 🏙️ Wish Uva's Haedus, he had to do a double take cause he can sense that Haedus is pretty powerful. But after getting over that, he thinks that he's really cool to hang out with. Orion would also love Naos and Nembus, he'd try to teach them how to perform spells that they can do even with weak magic.

The Kingdom of Wishes 🌟 He'd be in awe over Aster's cool cape and question how the heck did he manage to defeat his Magnifico. He'd also applaud that Aster was ready to square up against his Magnifico too, i still remember the swords he made out of stardust, even though it didn't hurt Magnifico, it was still one of my favorite moments.

Wish Granted 💫 WG!Star!!!! i love this little bundle of Joy, Orion would have a bit of a hard time keeping up with Star's energy at first though. He'd also be pretty protective as Star doesn't seem to recognize how dangerous his royal couple is.

The Wishing Kingdom 🏰 I remember wave mentioning that Antares has a tendency to lie a lot. Due to a past experience, Orion manifested the ability to tell when someone is lying. Whenever Antares lies about something, Orion...would not call him out on it, in public at least. He'd first yank him somewhere private and ask if he's okay and that he's here if Antares needs someone to talk with.

The Assistant and the Star 📚 He can heavily relate with having healing powers yet not being able to save people who they needed to protect. (I love Altan's backstory btw) On a less angsty note, They'd bond over being the only Starboys having fluffy fur on their outfits. Orion would start a "Starboys with Fluffy fur on their outfits" club, only with two members at the moment :')

4. How long does your storyline go on?

In universe it would either be a few months or a year at most.

Cause I feel like it would be like an anime/cartoon(??) series with episodes in it to show dynamics of side characters with one another, or Asha and Orion shenanigans, The Royal couple shenanigans, even an episode dedicated to Asha's owl and Amaya's cat just having beef with each other. Asha and Orion needs time to establish trust with one another over time. Gain allies to stand against the King and Queen, Make the people doubt about the Royal couple, Arc where Asha gets to explore outside the castle walls!, Asha having her first public appearance, episode showing what happened to Rosas' previous King and second prince, Orion backstory, 7 teens POV, all that fun stuff.

(Disclaimer: I am NOT writing all that- I have NO writing experience whatsoever, my au is just a fun little concept that i would just either draw out or share little fun facts about whenever inspiration strikes)

5. Uhhhh.... Any Angst, I'm still new to it. 😅

Magnifico gifted Asha a crown made of thorny vines for her birthday, she still wears despite it being hurting because it's the only crown she has. And to remind herself that a princess's job is a heavy/painful burden.

6. How many songs are you including in your rewrite? Do they include A Wish Worth Making, or This is the Thanks I Get or perhaps an original song?

I don't really plan on Writing this au, it's more like a fun concept that i would share fun facts of or draw occasionally. But if there would be music in it, it would include most of the Songs that are already in the movie except:

• I'm a star • This is the thanks i get • Knowing what i know now

and i would replace them with songs like:

• Wouldn't you like

(Because i freaking LOVE Epic the Musical okay? and Orion would be the type to sing a happy tune with some sinister lyrics sometimes lol)

Here, Orion makes an offer of partnership between him and Asha, he'd be her ally in the quest of preventing Magnifico and Amaya's plans, he also sings some of their crimes during the song too

"She can turn you into an animal that would end up on a plate! "She can all but make you fall in love, like you're on your hundredth date! "He can turn into a monster! And he'll grind you to the bone" "They have all the ways to haunt ya, if you take them all alone!"

He sings these crimes that they they have done in a catchy tune so Asha won't get too spooked but he makes sure that she understands that those two are definitely dangerous and you should be very cautious around them. Because they have definitely done these acts, and would definitely do it again to any person who would oppose them.

• They're only Human

Here the Royal couple sings a duet, looking down on the people that are so far beneath them. Also I'd imagine them singing the Annapantsu and Caleb Hyles Cover instead of the OG version (I still love the og tho)

Not entirely sure what rebellion song I would replace "Knowing what I know now" though

And if there would be an Original song, it would be a song about Asha singing/comforting Orion because he's having a mental breakdown. Singing to him along the lines of- "Deep breaths" "Count with me" "And Repeat"

Idk I'm not a songwriter

And it would be named something like- "Don't blame yourself" or "Things that weren't your fault"

And at some point, Orion would sing this back to her, like a reprise of sorts when she's the one who needs comforting

p.s. I just realized that "Here comes a thought" from Steven Universe would be a perfect alternative instead oh my god-

7. Is there a Flazino in your rewrite?

Oh yeah he exists, Asha gave him a raise once, surprised that he didn't quit being Magnifico's magic apprentice since all the previous ones quit and was never seen again (She's secretly investigating where they are as she caught wind of their families being worried sick about them). Flazino didn't know why his salary increased and who did it, cause it's definitely not Magnifico or Amaya, but he's grateful to that person.

He also goes around Rosas to help with his magic, as he's one of the only people in the kingdom authorized to use magic. (Being Magnifico's apprentice and all)

8. When can we expect the first chapter?

I'm not really a writer, so i actually plan to show some happenings in my au with drawings once motivation strikes once in a while, or if some people asks me about stuff about my au cause i don't really talk about stuff unless someone asks me about it

9. Are all 7 Teens included in SFTS, or is it reduced? Or are they just wiped from existence? 😂

They exist! They help their parents who work at the castle, like an internship of sorts so they would take their places once they have come of age. (This might change in the future who knows)

10. Out of questions, but I want to give you a hug

❤️❤️❤️HUG!! ヾ(≧ ▽ ≦)ゝ❤️❤️❤️

[phr3ia]

Before It Ends (Jiyan x Fem!Reader) [Chapter 9 - A New Beginning] SMUT/LEMON/MATURE

"Good morning. Jiyan greeted warmly, a gentle smile gracing his lips as he gazed into your eyes with a look of admiration. He tenderly brushed the strands of hair away your face, leaning in to place a gentle kiss on your lips." Good morning. " you smiled back at him. "Since when?" you asked, your curiosity piqued as you sought to know the moment he began to fall in love with you.

Jiyan's gaze softened as he drifted back to memories of ten years ago. "You were very loud and aggressive, challenging everyone to a spar, including me. I remember being intrigued by your enthusiasm." Jiyan chuckled, recalling your past memories together. "During our training, you often struggled with your defensive stance. I remember that after your break, you'd always approach me, asking for pointers. Even after my shift ended, we'd often retreat to the training grounds, just so you could master it. You used to call me 'Old Man' because of my sage-like advice. I realized then that I wanted to help you succeed, not just because I needed to, but because I genuinely cared for your progress. When I first saw you in the training hall, with your bold and outspoken nature, I knew in that instant that you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It was honestly a love at first sight." Jiyan admitted with a heartfelt smile.

You blushed as you listened, grateful to finally know the root of his affection.

" How about you? " he asked. It was pretty obvious how much he wanted to hear your answer.

"I had always thought that yearning for your company was just a natural feeling, but I just realized yesterday that I had fallen in love with you a long time ago. Do you remember escorting me to the infirmary during the first day of our training?  I watched as you wrapped my injuries with bandages. You took matters into your own hands without hesitation, tending to my bleeding wounds instead of waiting for the medic to arrive. You took my breath away when you did that." you confessed.

"I was taken aback when I finally realized it yesterday. I suppose I'm just a bit slow when it comes to these kinds of stuff."

"Well." Jiyan chuckled at the memory. "You could say that I did my best to hide my feelings from you. It's a relief that I can finally express my emotions without the fear of rejection. I've always been careful to not compromise our friendship, but now I can openly show you how much you truly mean to me."  He brought your hand to his lips, planting a gentle kiss on your knuckles. "I promise that from now on, I won't hide anything from you. I want to experience each moment with you, with no secrets between us."

You nodded in agreement, a soft smile gracing your lips.

Jiyan cleared his throat, shifting the topic, slightly embarrassed to bring it up. "Do you think you would ever consider starting a family, with children, someday?" He knew it might be too early for such a question, but he couldn't help but wonder.

You looked thoughtful for a moment before responding, "I have dreamt about having a family. A few kids. A big one, actually."

"Having a family with you, Jiyan, would be a dream come true." you added.

"Then we'll make it happen. No matter how high the cost, I'll do my best to live for each moment, to build a life with you. To see our children grow up, and share the love we have with them." He promised, a fierce determination in his eyes to protect the future he envisioned with you.

Jiyan's promise gave you more reason to master your abilities.

" And you'll always have my support." you replied, clasping your hands with his.

"By the way, aren't you supposed to be back at the base this morning?" you questioned, furrowing your brows in concern.

"Well, I actually completed the missions ahead of schedule so I could have a few days to spend with you. Rest assured, my Lieutenant is handling things efficiently." Jiyan reassured you with a smile, easing your worries.

Jiyan rose from the bed, his naked body emphasizing his chiseled physique under the clear light streaming in through your window.

You couldn't help but blush at the sight of him.

Seeing your cheeks turning red, Jiyan smirked mischievously. "We still have enough time to enjoy each other's company. What do you think? Can you handle another round before breakfast?" He suggested playfully, his toned body glistening in the daylight.

His gaze lingered on you, giving you the option to choose, before he turned away, heading towards the bathroom to freshen up.

Feeling the urge to take a shower, you opted to join him in the bath.

You quietly watched him from the corner of your eye as he drenched himself with the warm water. Once he noticed your presence, the playful spark in his gaze intensified.

Without giving you time to react, Jiyan grabbed your wrist and pinned it high above your head. He pressed your body against the cold tiled wall, sending shivers down your spine. His lips trailed along your jawline and to your neck, his tongue flicking out to graze your exposed flesh. Jiyan's mouth traveled downwards, finding your nipples with his searing hot breath. He took one into his mouth, sucking hard while pinching the other, his fingers tracing patterns on your belly. You moaned as his hand drifted lower, sliding between your legs. His fingers found your folds, wet and ready for him. He inserted them inside of you, moving with unrelenting rhythm as the water from the shower splashed against your skin.

But then he abruptly pulled his fingers out of you, leaving you wanting more.

"Do you want it rough?" he asked. His voice was husky as he whispered the question on your ear. Jiyan doesn't mind going with your preference, driven by  love rather than mere desire.

"Y-Yes."

You never expected that Jiyan harbored this side of him. He appears as a completely different person when it comes to sex.

Jiyan made you kneel. He spread your legs apart with his foot. "Suck it, I want to feel the back of your throat on my cock." His voice laced with desire.

You hesitated for a moment before complying, wrapping your lips around his throbbing shaft. Eagerly, you took him in, savoring the taste of his pre-cum. Jiyan groaned, gripping your head to take control of the pace, forcing you to take him deeper.

Your moans mingled with his heavy breaths as he slammed his cock in and out of your mouth.

With a harsh growl, Jiyan hoisted you up. "Spread your legs." Jiyan ordered, not leaving room for objection.

In one swift motion, he entered your dripping wet vagina, his cock stretching you wide open. You gasped, your legs wrapped around his waist as he began to pound you, his tempo rigid and unforgiving.

With a loud smack, Jiyan slammed you against the wall, reclaiming your body. His thrusts were aggressive, wild, and filled with an animalistic need. Your moans and screams echoed in the shower, tearing the steamy room apart.

Jiyan's muscles tightened with every powerful thrust, the water raining over your bodies. Your nails dug into his back, matching his ferocity and desperation.

The intensity of Jiyan's love for you was evident as he ravished your body. Your soft cries, tinged with pleasure, turned into ragged moans that hung in the air. Jiyan's kisses became fierce, claiming territory in the form of hickeys that bloomed like bruised roses on your neck, chest, and shoulders.

He was delving so deep into your core, your body convulsing with each merciless thrust. You clung to him, your nails leaving trails on his back as your legs shook helplessly. The water stream fell on both of you, stinging, but you were too lost in the frenzy to notice.

Lost in the thrall of passion, Jiyan clenched his jaw, tightening his grip on you. The quick, deep thrusts were forcing you closer and closer to a cataclysmic peak.

You couldn't take it anymore. Tears slid down your face, as you succumbed to the ecstasy, your walls clamping down on Jiyan's cock. The sight and feel of you orgasming sent waves of raw desire coursing through his body.

Jiyan moaned, feeling his climax approaching. In one last, powerful thrust, he spilled his seed deep inside of you, your legs trembling as you both reached the end of your orgasm.

After his release, Jiyan smothered your face with fervent kisses, breathing heavily. His chest heaved, causing your body to quake with each motion.

"I will never let anyone touch you." he declared between breaths.

After showering, you both went downstairs to prepare breakfast.

"Just bacon and eggs?" you asked, but before Jiyan could respond, the voice of Chixia startled both of you.

"AHHHHHHHH!!!" Chixia exclaimed, pointing at the General as she noticed both of you with wet hair. Although fully clothed, it was pretty obvious what had happened earlier, particularly with the hickeys prominently visible on your neck.

And it wasn't just her. Mortefi, Baizhi, Yangyang, and Rover were also present as well.

You froze and felt your cheeks flush with embarrassment. Unsure of how to react, Jiyan quickly took charge to spare you from the awkward situation.

Jiyan swiftly pulled you against his side, his arm wrapping around your waist, pulling you into his protective embrace. He met each of their expectant gazes, giving them a confident smile. "Yes, we're together." Jiyan stated, the pride in his voice evident.

Your heart swelled at Jiyan's public declaration. It was strange to be in such a situation, especially with your fellow comrades present, but Jiyan's boldness assured you that your relationship was going to unfold with nothing but love and support.

Their faces turned red as well, except for Mortefi.

Chixia, recovering from the initial shock, exclaimed, "Congratulations, General Jiyan and Doctor! Both of you make a beautiful couple!" The others followed with their congrats, cheers, and slightly teasing remarks.

Rover let out a hearty laugh, a smile spreading across his face as he said. "Congratulations, both of you. We're happy for you."

Seeing the validation of your relationship, your nervousness receded, replaced by the warmth of Jiyan's affection.

"By the way, how did you all get in?" you wondered.

"You left the front door unlocked." Rover replied.

"Ohh..." you were too occupied entertaining the General last night.

"Why are you here then?" you inquired, feeling confused.

"I messaged you this morning, Doctor, informing you that we would be visiting to seek your approval for the medicine distribution in Peach Blossom Town. Your authorization is important for us to begin the mission." Rover explained, scratching the back of his head.

"Is he joining you as well?" you asked, pointing at Mortefi, which surprised you since he wasn't the type of person to accompany a group of people.

"Yes!" Chixia responded with a beaming smile.

You gazed at your stepbrother, who appeared visibly troubled, but you dismissed it, thinking that maybe he is in a bad mood again.

"Okay."

Rover handed you some papers to sign, and after that they left, thanking you with a smile.

Jiyan spun you around before planting a gentle kiss on your forehead. "Now we can have this day to ourselves. No missions and no work, strictly leisure." His playful tone implied that he had more than one thing in mind.

════•⭐•════

End of Chapter 9 🥀...

[deadmomjokes]

as a teacher, hearing about the way you communicate so clearly and thoroughly with your child is so inspiring. I wish more people had resources on how to communicate with kids like you do.

I'm very bad at taking compliments, so I'll just say "Thank you" and also qualify that she makes it pretty easy. She's very smart and has always, from day one basically, needed to know the reasons behind everything. In other circumstances, she would probably be called "stubborn" or "defiant." But the thing is, I remember my own "stubbornness" growing up, and it was almost always the result of me not understanding why things were the way they were. From a young age, I hated with a burning passion the "Because I said so" thing. So I determined that I didn't want to do that when/if I had kids of my own.

My daughter is very bright and curious and makes that easy for me. Her "why" phase was/is pretty specific, which is helpful in keeping ahead of the frustration-induced rage-meltdowns. (Not all of them, of course, because some concepts are really hard to grasp even as an adult, let alone when you're 4 years old and everything Feels Too Big.)

But I also made a conscious effort to start practicing early, before she could talk or push back on a lot of stuff. It felt so weird and silly at first, but I basically narrated everything I did with/around her, and put a reason for it. So a trip to the store sounded like this:

"We made it to the store to get our groceries, so we have yummy food to eat. Let's go inside and get a buggy--that's where we'll put all the things we get, because we can't carry them all in just our hands. I'm going to put you in the buggy, too, right here in this seat, that way you can see what's going on but I have both my hands to push the buggy and grab the things we need. Here, look, some bananas! Let's get some of those because you love to eat them. Oh, no, sorry baby, we can't eat them right now. This stuff isn't ours until we pay for it at the very end-- that's the part with the beep-beeper and the bags. When we get home we can have some of the bananas, because then they are our bananas." Etc, etc, on and on.

People looked at me like I was nuts. It felt a little nuts at times, especially before she could respond verbally. But it worked. It built a habit for me to give a reason for why I'm doing things, or making her do things. More importantly, I feel like, it made me stop and question when I didn't have a good reason for my answers or behaviors. Like if she comes up and asks to blow bubbles outside, and I go, "No baby, not right now," she can be like "why not?" And I have to look at myself and my reasoning. Is it because I'm actually busy or we're genuinely about to do something else that precludes the 5 minutes it'd take to do bubbles? Or is it because I just don't feel like it? It's not fair for "I don't feel like it" to supersede her desires for connection and entertainment all the time. (Sometimes you're just worn out and don't have the bandwidth for it, and that's valid. Parents are people too! But it can't be all the time, yk?) So if I don't have a good reason why not, I let her know that I thought about it more and changed my mind, and off we go to blow bubbles.

I also heard the advice, idk where or when, that you need to practice on your children what you want from them. So if I want my child to be kind, I have to be kind to her, in ways that she can see and appreciate. If I want her to know it's okay to change your mind, I have to point out when that happens for me, like in the above bubbles example. If I want her to be a decent human being who respects others, is empathetic, appreciates the efforts of others, speaks kindly, thinks about how her actions impact those around her, etc... You get the idea. It starts with me. And I try to consciously remind myself of that fact.

It's not always easy, because kids aren't always rational (but to be fair, neither are adults lol). And what is rational to a 4 year old is not always the same as what is rational to me, the adult with almost 3 decades of experience more than her. So sometimes it's like explaining to the wind why it ought to blow in a different direction. But the longer I get to know her, the more I'm able to pick up on the way she sees things, her personal defaults, the way she talks around concepts she's not sure about, etc. It's part of what's cool about getting to be her parent. I get such a close-up view of this little person becoming a little person, and it makes me stop and think about things I have taken for granted for a long time.

I'm rambling again, but I have developed a lot of Strong Feelings about the way kids are treated and looked at in general, and a lot of determination to do better for the kids I get the privilege of loving.

[fibula-rasa]

Watch More Movies Notebook: September ‘24

(and a few things from August because I didn’t have the time to update last month!)

This month's blog journal features two contenders for best new-to-me films of the year (from Argentina and Brazil respectively), a handful of Depression-era shorts that range from absurdist comedy to Jungian fable to psychological actuality, plus one for the Sad Clown Hall of Fame (I've decided that's a real thing). Also included: a round up of recent posts and a preview of what's coming up this month.

Favorite New-to-me Films of the Month

(listed in order pictured above, L to R)

As always, if any other films catch your eye, but you need specific content/trigger warnings, feel free to ask and I’ll try to oblige!

READ on BELOW the JUMP!

I, the Worst of All / Yo, la peor de todas (1990)

[letterboxd | imdb | kanopy (US)]

María Luisa Bemberg’s film adaptation of Octavio Paz’s study of the life and work of Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz. Sor Juana was a 17th century polymath from (what is now) Mexico and the film recounts her struggles to continue her work and her relationship with the vicereine of New Spain.

This is easily one of my favorite new-to-me movies of the year so far. Biopics often feel formally stodgy to me, but Bemberg’s film is highly visual and plays with time, space, and symbolism, revealing emotional truths in ways that avoid going artificially melodramatic. The relationship between Sor Juana and the vicereine unfolds beautifully and both actresses, Assumpta Serna and Dominique Sanda, are fantastic. I would recommend checking this one out even if you haven’t read any of Sor Juana’s work—in fact, watching this movie will likely motivate you to get reading! 

——— ——— ———

La cartomancienne (1932)

[letterboxd | imdb]

An experimental short about a lovelorn young woman seeking advice from a fortune teller. Jerome Hill’s first directorial outing is a Jungian fable peppered with references to supernatural folk beliefs. It’s evocatively constructed and has a great rhythm to it (paired with Hill’s original score). It’s a real gem!

——— ——— ———

Little Geezer (1932)

[letterboxd | imdb]

Theodore Huff took a mess of New Jersey ragamuffins, dressed them up as grown ups, had them act out half-remembered scenes from pre-code crime movies, and gave us the gift of Little Geezer. I found it genuinely funny, but, even if you don’t vibe with Huff’s sense of humour, you might get a kick out of how clearly the kids enjoyed playing gangsters or the shocking novelty of the kids smoking, drinking, carrying tommy guns, etc. Greta Garbage’s impression of Garbo was surprisingly great though??? Might not recommend this one as freely as the two above as Huff so densely packed Geezer with references you may need to have seen all of the movies referenced to pick up what Huff is putting down.

——— ——— ———

The City (1939)

[letterboxd | imdb]

A short, five-part documentary about American city planning produced for the New York World’s Fair of 1939 might be a hard sell for some, but with its truly outstanding creative team, The City is more compelling viewing than you might assume! The City was conceived by housing advocate Catherine Bauer, written by documentarian Pare Lorentz (The Plow that Broke the Plains) and Lewis Mumford, directed by Ralph Steiner (H2O, Mechanical Principles, Surf and Seaweed) and future MoMA director Willard Van Dyke (Hands), assisted by Henwar Rodakiewicz (Portrait of a Young Man in Three Movements), and scored by Aaron Copland. I might have some personal bias here as I grew up in NJ and have lived in New York and Pittsburgh, but as a modern viewer, I found The City to be an interesting window into the past.

——— ——— ———

White Paradise / Bílý ráj (1924)

[letterboxd | imdb | Watch at Národní filmový archiv]

Looks like Christmas X Criminals also has a tradition outside of the English-speaking world! Anny Ondra plays Nina, a whimsical young orphan under the guardianship of a nasty tavern keeper. On Christmas Eve, Ivan, a man framed for a crime against Nina’s parents, escapes prison to spend one last holiday with his ailing mother. Together, Ivan and Nina with the aid of a travelling puppeteer uncover the true bandit, exonerating Ivan and freeing Nina.

Bílý ráj is a charming film shot on location in the Šumava forest in Bohemia. Don’t be put off by the overly literal English translation of the title, the connotations are off by modern standards! This will be a solid recommendation for the coming winter months and I’m thinking about putting together a little list of some of the best Christmas X Criminals movies out there. If you have any underappreciated/underseen instances of the trope please suggest them to me! Bonus: it has a wonderful poster!

——— ——— ———

Seeing the World, Part One: A Visit to New York, N.Y. (1937)

[letterboxd | imdb]

This cheeky short by Rudy Burckhardt is a mock travelogue about visiting New York City. Referencing both Traveltalks shorts and the city symphony films, Burckhardt playfully jumbles genres and the film’s acerbity doesn’t overstay its welcome with a ~10 minute runtime. Also, Seeing the World features Joseph Cotten’s first screen role!

——— ——— ———

The Golden Clown / Klovnen (1926)

[letterboxd | imdb]

The great Gösta Ekman turns in one of the best silent film performances I’ve ever seen in this. Ekman plays Joe Higgins, a talented young clown in a travelling circus. Joe is in love with Daisy, the stunt rider and daughter of the circus’ owners. A twist of fate results in Joe becoming a top performer, headlining his own theatrical production in Paris. Unfortunately, Joe becomes a workaholic and Daisy gets romanced on the side by a caddish fashion designer. Both of their lives fall apart after they decide to divorce. A.W. Sandberg does a phenomenal job of heightening personal tragedy to an epic scale. I was astounded at how smoothly Ekman performed twenty years worth of aging in two hours. As much as I enjoyed this film (and cried over the finale), it did leave me wondering if they make movies about happy clowns? CW/TW for suicide.

——— ——— ———

April Fool (1924)

[letterboxd | imdb]

An occasional habit of mine is to watch silent comedy shorts during my lunch break. One afternoon this month, I watched three Charley Chase/Jimmy Jump shorts. They were all winners, but April Fool was my favorite. On the first of April,  Jimmy Jump gets blindsided by pranks when he arrives at work. Jimmy swears he won’t get pranked again and makes a bet with his coworker (Noah Young). Chaos ensues. The other shorts I watched, Publicity Pays (1924) and A Ten-Minute Egg (1924), were also good, though not as tightly constructed. Publicity Pays features an especially sweet and well-behaved monkey BTW.

——— ——— ———

Footnote to Fact (1933)

[letterboxd | imdb]

A harrowing short by Lewis Jacobs documenting The Great Depression in New York City. Originally intended to be part of a series that wasn’t completed, Footnote to Fact survived on its own (thanks to Anthology Film Archives) as a stream-of-consciousness rhythmic portrait of the quotidian horror of the Depression. Honestly, I can’t believe I hadn’t seen this earlier, but I’m glad to have finally remedied that.  Worth checking out, if you’re in a place to handle it. TW/CW for suicide and depictions of real dead animals (in a butcher window).

——— ——— ———

The Hole in the Wall (1929)

[letterboxd | imdb]

After a major train accident, The Fox (Edward G. Robinson) and his crew are forced to rework their phony psychic scheme. When Jean (Claudette Colbert) knocks on their door, fresh off a prison sentence for a crime she didn’t commit, she takes on the role of their faux medium. Jean has her own revenge plot in mind: kidnapping the granddaughter of the rich woman who framed her. 

I came across this movie when reading about Robert Florey’s feature films and I’m glad I did—as a big fan of both Robinson and Colbert. Robinson doesn’t have all that much to do in the movie, but he’s very charming in it. Colbert gets the most to do with the conflicted Jean—a woman who chooses a life of crime only after a life of crime was chosen for her. But, the real reason this overlooked pre-code made this list is that the climax of the film was such a shock to me! I won’t give it away in case you decide to check it out yourself, but I never anticipated that!

——— ——— ———

Quilombo (1984)

[letterboxd | imdb | kanopy (US)]

I’ve had really great luck working through my watchlist lately. Yo, la peor de todas is certainly on my best new-to-me list for the whole year and so is Quilombo! Quilombo is a fantasticized telling of the true story of Palmares, a free community of escaped slaves in colonial-era Brazil. The film primarily focuses on the events surrounding the fight to remain free of Portuguese authorities while Ganga Zumba and later Zumbi led the settlement. As I’m not Brazilian, this history was largely new to me and it’s been enriching to learn more about it. To me, this film seems like a great entry point. It’s stylish in a meaningful way, has a fantastic soundtrack (which I’ve already listened to twice since watching the film), and the production design, editing, and performances are all super. Also, Quilombo is a film worth studying if you want to see how a filmmaker can artistically condense a large span of time to fit feature length without awkwardly hopping along a timeline of events like a slideshow brought to life.

——— ——— ———

Monthly Round-up

In case you missed it, I spent the better part of the last few months constructing and heavily researching “Cosplay the Classics: Nazimova in Salomé.” There were so many compelling avenues to go down that I split the cosplay into two and a half parts!

Part One: “The Importance of Being Peter” covers Nazimova’s creative decisions in adapting Oscar Wilde’s play for the silent screen—illustrating both her filmmaking techniques and her keen awareness of her core fanbase: young/independent women.

Part Two: “Artists United?” details the struggles Nazimova had in getting Salomé released and finding its audience. This part describes how the American film industry was growing and changing in the early 1920s and how Nazimova’s independent productions fit into (or didn’t fit into) that landscape. I also aimed to complicate the oversimplified narrative of Salomé as a flop by collecting and analysing data surrounding its release in comparison to her Metro films.

Part Two Point Five (a.k.a. Cosplay the Classics: Post-script) will be up soon. It’s a slightly shorter piece covering Salomé’s place in cinematic Orientalism. Stay tuned!

——— ——— ———

Since the last notebook installment, I made themed gif/still sets for:

The Golden Clown (1926)

Salvation Hunters (1925)

(which I talked about in the last installment of WMM Notebook)

Danse Macabre (1922)

Yo, la peor de todas (1990)

A Day in Santa Fe (1931)

(which I talked about in the last installment of WMM Notebook)

I also made some gifs of my Salomé cosplay, because I was so pleased with how the wig turned out I needed to show it in motion!

——— ——— ———

In addition to the follow-up to “CtC: Salomé,” I’m working on a quick how-to rundown of the cosplay, in case you need some Halloween inspiration! 

I’ve also got a slate of spooky-season appropriate gifs/stills to post here on tumblr for October. 

Until next time, Happy Halloween and Happy viewing!

——— ——— ———

☕Appreciate my work? Buy me a coffee! ☕

[salumial]

GIANT FIC INCOMING OF THE BAND GETTING BACK TOGETHER. Takes place three months after the episode “Bully-ieve It or Not”. This one’s called “Bittersweet.”

Time it’s been since I last saw Pesto:

Three months

And it’s felt very… weird. Unusual. I would see him almost every week, and be bombarded with dumb shit like him calling me an idiot or making fun of me in some way I’ve heard time after time. Or the other cases, the actually infuriating ones, like helping me and Linda out with some sort of advice, or… even saying something mostly kind. Because I could never really trust him with stuff, so who’s to say he wouldn’t be tricking me? The only time he’s ever done something I know he was doing both for himself AND technically for me was at that yacht thing. Every other time… I don’t know.

I mean, let’s say he was, I still don’t want to deal with someone constantly stealing my ideas, so it makes sense that the last time I spoke to him was telling him I don’t care anymore. It seals it off. Sets in stone, I’m done.

Right?

But I… not that it doesn’t feel great to not have someone doing all of that… it’s weird. It feels like something is missing, is it supposed to? We used to spy on eachother for hours, with the feelings of mutual hatred. But now… I’m catching myself looking over these last few weeks, and feeling… bittersweet. Mostly bitter. Which is so weird, because why? It doesn’t make sense to me. And I never told him he couldn’t just come over and say hi. I just feel like-

“You’re looking over there again.” Linda says, as I snap out of my dramatic tangent and back to the main menu.

“What, huh? I was?” I say, very much lying because I know damn well I was.

“Bob, yea, you were, very… depressing like.” She explains, as though this is something I’ve done before.

“Huh…weird.” I say with the squeak in my voice that shows I’m lying.

“…Bob,”

“What?” I turn to her dramatically anxious as I was about to slink into thought.

“…are you ok?” She asks, giving me her loving supportive look, as I give her one back.

“No, yea. I just…” …it’s been weeks, she’s noticed for a while now, I should tell her. “…I’ve been looking there for a while now, and I don’t know why!”

She looks at me and smiles, then looks to the other joint.

“…maybe you miss him.” As she says that my mind races,

Miss him? NO,

“NO, what? No.” I say fully offended by the idea. She scoffs at that,

“Oh really? Bob, you’ve been looking over there after a week of him not coming over.”

…what?

That long? I’ve been doing it that long?

“Really?” I ask, confused as she rolls her eyes lovingly.

“Yes, and I think, if you really do miss him…”

Oh, she’s gonna tell me to go talk to him, I know.

“…you should decide if you actually want to see him.”

…what?

“Wait, you’re not gonna encourage me to go over there?” I explain, bewildered and… secretly kind of annoyed, like if she did I could act like I begrudgingly don’t want to but… that isn’t an option. I have to decide- wait, hang on. I’m mad she isn’t tell me to? I WANT to?!

“No, that’s your business! I’d totally get if you don’t want to talk to him again.” She explains, as the thought of that… makes me extremely uncomfortable.

“…” I say nothing, as she just smiles.

I think she knows what I’m gonna do, although I’m not so sure myself.

“…I would think about it.” She says going into the kitchen, leaving me alone to stew in the decision…

…why would I want to be friends with him? Why do I miss him so much? Is it because it was comfortable? The same? And now us not talking is disrupting it? I remember though so clearly at the beginning of our rivalry not wanting to ever talk to him, wishing I didn’t have to. So… It can’t be that right? What is it?

…he was honestly… someone who did know me. Very well. I heard that he actually helped Linda and the kids with my 47th birthday… and gave them the idea to fix it up for me specifically.

And… he did tell me he was proud of me once. Genuine pride. Like, he actually teared up. I thought he was kidding. But maybe he wasn’t… maybe he does… care about me?

…

…man,

I miss the bastard, don’t I?

He was so annoying, but I remember it letting me get out steam, that had been in me for weeks on end.

Being able to yell and argue, get it all out, have pissing contests… maybe we can have that in a

healthy way.

…dammit. I miss him… I’ve got to go over there.

Jimmy POV:

“Jimmy?” Trev asked, trying to get my attention as I look over at Bob staring at my restaurant for the 100th time. I mean, why? What’s he being so nosy for, I thought he didn’t care about what I’m doing anymore.

…although I get it.

“Yea?” I ask kind of annoyed but trying to be nice.

“…do you mind if I ask… are you and Bob?…” he stops mid sentence for me to give the go ahead,

“…no speaking, yea.” I answer as he looks quizzically at Bob.

“…why is he?…” he asks, gesturing towards Bob eavesdropping.

“I don’t know. I really don’t. It’s perplexing me.” I say with a hint of drama, arms crossed as Trev chuckles.

“…maybe you should go ask?” NO.

“No? No no.” I say very defensively “There’s no way, he doesn’t care about anything I’m doing, so I’m returning the favor.”

“But… he does, he’s staring right at the restaurant.” He points out as I huff.

“Ok, yea, but he still decided he doesn’t want to talk to me.” I say, as Trev says,

“…no he didn’t. He said he wasn’t gonna let you get to him anymore.”

…

“…I’m gonna guess he meant both.” I assume as Trev rebuttals.

“How would you know? You haven’t asked him.”

I’m starting to get kind of mad, but am trying to be nice.

“I don’t think asking him if I should talk to him is the best idea, he already seems to want nothing to do with me.” I say with a hint of… bitterness.

Trev keeps on,

“Or maybe you haven’t tried.” He said that with such sassiness I couldn’t help but be a little mean.

“Ok, no, listen, if he doesn’t want to talk, he doesn’t have to, alright?” I say, as my annoyance starts to sound like anger.

“But how would you know?” Oh this is pissing me off.

“I do.” I lie.

“You can’t lie, c’mon man.” After he says that, I can’t hold back my anger as well I was because some sneaks out. I turn around to meet his face, but never make eye contact.

“I’m not lying, because I know he wants nothing to do with me! I wouldn’t blame him.” I express emotionally, not loud though because we’re in public but I say it with… bitterness. A lot of bitterness, man that’s gross.

…oh. Hey wait. That wasn’t supposed to come out. I wasn’t supposed to say that. The end of it.

Trev looks at me with a stunned look, which switches to one that… wait, hang on.

He looks like… that was his plan, which is why he was asking so many- GASP.

“You sneaky bastard!” I say, with a tint of joke so he knows I don’t necessarily mean to insult him. But I am super mad right now though…

“That’s how you feel about it, huh?” He says, with concern for me but also a smirk which pisses me off more.

“What are you, a therapist? Go away, will ya?” I say, as he smiles at me and accepts.

He walks into the kitchen as I’m stuck looking at Bob stare at the restaurant. It’s started to feel eerie, which is kinda funny to me because it’s Bob but something more frightening started to happen.

He started taking off his apron, and walking to his door. With his eyes still on the restaurant.

I start panicking immediately, speed walking to the kitchen making sure I keep an eye on him to see where he is.

“TREV!” I shout as Trev turns his head dramatically and starts walking to me.

“Yea what?!” He says, visibly taken aback.

“Bob is walking over, right now.” I panicked, as all the other workers I have started staring at me.

“…mind your business, everyone!” I shout with the same joke tint as they all start laughing to themselves. I love them, but they piss me off.

“Bob is coming over?” He asks, trying to match up with my nervousness. He fails, but I appreciate it.

“Yes, I need to hide, where should I go?” I ask extremely serious as he chuckles.

“You’re not gonna talk to him?”- he says, as he’s starting to look over at the wall window.

“NO, I’m not! I’m not, I’m hiding, where do I go?” As I ask the second time. I try to get his attention because its been taken by something in the window.

“Jimmy.” Trev says my name so numbly my nerves start to rattle, doesn’t help that he’s still… wait…

“What, what is?-“ I stop talking as I look through the window and see Bob. Sitting on the corner of the bar. Not even knowing I’m back here.

My anxiety SKYROCKETED UP.

“…oh NO NO NO- FUCK, where do I HIDE?” I ask whispering, hands at his shoulders as he looks at me annoyed.

“For the love of God, Jimmy this is your chance! Do you want to talk to him?” He asks me that so securely I forget I even was feeling anxiety. He’s never sounded so sure before, and he’s been plenty annoyed at me to points like this.

“…” I look at Bob, then him, then the ground, with the same worried expression as it turns to..

…relent. Because I know what I have to do, no need to be a wussy about it.

“…yes.” I say, eyes closed, completely giving up. My dignity doesn’t matter right now.

I have the chance. To fix this shit. I’m gonna.

“Then go go!” He says, patting me on the shoulder and pushing me out of the kitchen. Like PUSHING ME like a conveyer belt.

“AYE WHAT THE HELL!” I yell as I push back, “I can walk out myself.”

We are right next to the door.

“Alright go ahead.”

“I will.”

…

…

…

“…I just need a minu-“

He starts pushing me out of the door immediately, as I argue and push back. Damn he’s strong.

He pushes me out into Bob’s peripheral, as his hearing seems to notice my voice.

“Dammit, Trev!” I say, slamming my foot on the floor in anger, not realizing how stupid of an intro that was.

“Jimmy?”

Oh crap.

“Bob?- BOB!” I say, acting like I didn’t know he was already here. I put my game face on, but try not to say anything mean… as I start to think about how many times I’ve done that… no wonder he cut me off.

“Why’re you here?” I ask trying to sound neutral as he looks at me with…

Warmth? What the hell? He isn’t smiling or anything, he looks like he’s seeing… and old friend.

…it’s making me want to cry. I’m not gonna! But it’s feeling like that.

“I… well… uh…” he starts stutter, looking away with nervousness. What’s that about, what does he want to tell me?

…it’s taking a lot of me not to say something stupid. It’s kinda something I have to unlearn.

“…yea, what’s up?” I say, hoping that helps.

Instead of him saying anything, he just darts his eyes to me in surprise.

“Wait, you’re not gonna make fun of me? I just stuttered three times.” He points out as I start to feel like shit. How many times did I do that? He snapped out of his nervousness because he caught that?

“Yea, uh…” I start to feel my pride shrink, the embarrassment rise…

I stay steady. I’ve got to tell him.

“…I’m not doing that today…”

…c’mon, man, spit it out!

“…or anymore.”

Bob’s eyes widen, then start to squint at me with distrust, which makes me feel so much worse… what he adds doesn’t help…

“This isn’t a prank is it?” He asks so defensive I feel my heart wretch. How many times did I make this guy feel like that? I love this guy so much, I made him feel like that for this long?

…should I tell him that?

Trev has told me saying what’s on my mind in order to fix something is a good idea… usually when me and this guy fought… should I do it? I already have nothing to lose when it comes to my ego. I don’t care about it anymore, at least I’m trying not to. How could I have anything to hold onto though! I made a man I consider a friend feel like this… for years…

“…Jimmy?” He asks, as I haven’t spoken in like five seconds, his eyes squinting to ones of curiousness, but softening on the distrust, and moving to… concern. For me.

Even though I’ve been nothing but horrible to him… he’s still concerned for me…

…I feel something fall from my eye.

“…Oh, oh God, Jimmy, are you ok?” He questions turning his whole body to me as his face shifts to a worried look.

I know that look.

It’s the look everyone gets when this happens,

I’m about to cry.

“…can we go to the alley and talk for a minute?” I ask sounding very much anxious, as Bob agrees completely. I really don’t feel like I deserve to be the one crying, but here we are.

“Yes, yea, let’s go.” He says agreeing completely, getting up and following me to the alley.

This is wild. Bonkers.

Bob POV:

Jimmy started tearing up, and I don’t even know why. And now we’re outside in the alleyway of his restaurant. What is he gonna tell me? And also, what am I gonna tell him? That I miss him? That I want to hang out? That these past few months have felt off? That is a lot to lay on a guy who might just hate you, I can’t be sure he doesn’t.

He looks visibly distressed, as though he’s holding something in, and yea I bet, he was about to cry. Why though??

“So… I wanna guess this isn’t a prank, after…” I start to talk, but stop at the middle as I know I don’t really need to say anything else…

Jimmy doesn’t even look at me yet, he’s just looking at the ground, fist held to his mouth, covering it. He looks so… sad?

“…you alright?” I ask as he-

“No, I’m not, at all.” He says, as his hands meet his hips, staring at a very interesting pebble on the ground. His eyes are filled with tears.

Damn… and I thought I was going through the works.

I should tell him I’m not doing too well either.

“…me neither.” I say, followed by him meeting his eyes to mine, surprised.

“…why’re you not?” He asks, I ask.

“Can I ask you first? You look very… not happy, I want to know why if it’s alright.”

After I ask, I get the saddest look from him, looks like it’s filled with guilt. It makes me feel so bad, he looks so fucking sad dude.

After a minute, he answers.

“…I’m so sorry.” He- what?

“You what?” I can’t help but ask him what… what?

“I’m so sorry, for everything.” He says as he sounds like he’s trying to keep a professional voice and demeanor, but is too broken up to keep his voice from trembling a bit, “…you deserve an apology.”

I’m lost for words, he just apologized to me?

…

Wow.

“I was terrible to you, and… It should be said, that I was awful and I’m sorry…” He tried looking me in the eyes but glanced away a second after, eyes absolutely filled with tears.

…that’s… incredible. He’s actually apologizing to me? For everything?

…

“I shouldn’t be reacting like this to apologizing, I’m sorry, it doesn’t make sense.” He says, looking at the wall of his restaurant angrily like he’s mad at himself. “What were you gonna say?” He asks, I answer.

“…I… think… I think I miss you.” I say, trying to be as honest as possible. I think I can trust him now, after seeing how broken up he is… this feels surreal.

His demeanor changes as his eyebrows rise, his eyes grow, seeming to try to find the right words. This DEFINITELY through him for a loop.

“…you miss me?!” He asks, bewildered I even said that, as I start to chuckle a bit out of nervousness.

“Yea, I guess… these past few months of us not seeing eachother has felt… off… and don’t get me wrong, not being pranked or ridiculed has been nice but” I joked on the last bit, only to look up and stop in my tracks, as I see Jimmy’s face.

Absolutely stained in tears.

My eyes widen, I’m lost for words, keeping eye contact with Jimmy.

“…why?” He asks so earnestly a bewildered look flew over my face.

“Why? What do you mean?” I’m so confused as to what he meant by that.

“…why? Why do you miss me? How could you miss me? I was terrible to you!” He announced angrily, doing the Italian hand thing like he was mad at me for missing him.

…WHAT?

“What do you mean, “How could you miss me?” I don’t know!” I yell as his eyebrows dart down, I know he’s about to say something very out of no where.

“You want an answer to that? No common sense! I’m so angry that you’d even put your guard down around me!” He shouts, seeming to be trying to criticize my actions like… a true friend.

“…you’re mad…that I’m trying to be a friend to you? Do you know what you’re acting like?” How does he not realize-

“A friend, I know! Because I can’t believe you’d do something that could end up harming you again! You don’t even care?” Man he’s really mad at me, he’s pacing around.

“I do! I’m not an idiot, if you started again with your old b.s. I’d turn the other way.” I argue as he rebuttals.

“Then turn the other way!”

“You aren’t doing any of that right now! Why should I?” I can tell he’s getting angrier, but I’m not relenting.

This actually kinda feels like how we used to be, except we are arguing about my well being… it’s different… feels better.

“You don’t know whether or not I’ll fall right into old habits! How would you know?”

“If you did I’d cut you off, I’m not an idiot! And you don’t seem like you’d do that, don’t you know what you sound like right now?-“

“YES, I DO, LIKE I CARE ABOUT YOU.” After he shouts that, he looks stunned at himself. Like he wasn’t supposed to say that so boldly.

His anger filled expression and intense demeanor changed to a quieter one… as sadness is starting to peak through. He crosses his arms, and looks away.

“…you’re making a terrible decision. I…” his anger flows off his face from the incoming sadness.

“…your time is better suited for something else. Go back to your restaurant.” He starts to walk back to the entrance, but there’s no way I’m leaving this.

I run up, grab his arm gently, as he turns his whole body dramatically. He looks like an angry cat.

I look up at him, trying convey a look of care, although I’m not very good with expressions.

He looks at me, face softening. I think it worked. I should say something now.

“You… you care so much about me… that you are willing to cut ME off? Of talking to YOU?”

He looks at me, then away, then only looks through glances. His face conveys unbridled guilt.

“…I know it sounds stupid to you, but… it’s a terrible decision to want to be friends with me…” His face morphs, and grows more angered. But not at me.

“…I was an idiot,” he starts up again, eyes filling up again, “I don’t blame you at all when you cut me off-“

My eyes grow wide, as his close in untamable guilt. He really thought I…

“…I never cut you off.”

Jimmy POV:

…what? Trev was right?

I open my eyes and see Bob’s confused and concerned expression. It makes me feel worse… because how could he not cut me off?

“You never cut me off? That wasn’t cutting me off?” I ask without any anger, just confusion. He looks at me in his supportive friend way he does.

“No, I just said I wasn’t gonna let you get to me anymore, I wasn’t cutting you off. You took it as that? And respected it?” He asks, starting to smile.

“…of course I’d respect it, if I didn’t I’d be a bigger asshole.” I say as he smiles bigger. The fact that he’s still trying to become friends with me is so infuriating. Why won’t he get that it’s a terrible decision.

“…can I ask?… you’ve cared about me for a longer while, I just never noticed?” He asks as I-

“Well how could you notice? I was so shitty to you I don’t even blame you for tackling me into open water that one time!” The joke landed very well despite me being super serious, because Bob started chuckling.

“Oh…no, yea, I’m so sorry-“

“Don’t be!” I interrupt, doing the Italian hand thing, “It was an understandable thing to do, after having a man prank and ridicule you for years! On another note, you’re not convincing me this is a good idea for us to talk again!”

“Jimmy, again, are you not realizing you are turning a new leaf right now?-“

“Just because I am right now, doesn’t mean it’s a good decision to be friends with me.” After I say that, Bob’s eyebrows bend to an annoyed look.

“Why? Do you think you’re gonna revert back to your old ways? People can change, you’re doing it right now.”

“Just because people can change, doesn’t mean they deserve a second chance!” I didn’t yell that, but it almost feels like I did.

I look away from him, to the ground. I see another cool pebble. Not relevant.

“…you don’t think you deserve a second chance.” He doesn’t ask that, just states it. He knows it’s true. I know it’s true.

“…yes… now go back.” I don’t look up, I just brush his hand off my arm and go to grab the doorknob of the back door.

Until I feel a pressure on my shirt sleeve. He grabbed it.

“Nuh uh.”

Excuse me?

“The fuck you mean “Nuh uh.”?” I ask, almost completely sounding like I’m giving up, keeping my head down as I know what’s coming. He just won’t STOP.

“No, I’m not going to go back, you want to know why? Because I want to be friends with you! I miss you, I’ve missed you for months! We’ve been at this for what, feels like fifteen years, and have only grown closer each day! You know more about me than my oldest best friend, and we were high school friends!”

…wow.

This monologue is making me dizzy. Not in a bad way. Because I’m getting so much whiplash from this I’m gonna need a damn pepto bismal. And I feel like it isn’t even over. He’s missed me for months?

“I know you were terrible to me, but you were still a friend… I know you helped plan my one birthday, and that ended up being higher than most of the ones I’ve had, top five. And having you out of my life for three months has screwed with my head, and I’m not joking, you must’ve seen me looking over more than one occasion.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at his joke.

“Yea, no, I saw you a couple times.” I say looking at him making sure I don’t make him feel bad by saying “yea no, you did it constantly”. He smiles at me after, and I feel my mood start to switch.

“The only reason I never reached out was because I didn’t think I could trust you, but I wanted to try anyway, because I missed you. And seeing you completely turn a new leaf and be this worried about me, not making fun of me at all, and being this open about everything… is giving me the trust, you are earning the trust right now, Jimmy.”

…that hurt.

“…” I don’t say anything, I’ve got nothing but the same arguments I know he won’t listen to. I don’t believe that I deserve his trust, but he’s gonna disagree. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to convince him, and I definitely am not gonna be mean to him again.

“…I’m not sure if you got it yet, but I’m not giving up, I’m gonna become your friend.” He jokes as I start laughing quietly.

After a moment, I start to realize… he’s not letting up. He’s not gonna let up. He’s gonna keep fighting for this, and as much as I think I don’t deserve this, he does. He deserves to have me as a friend, at the very least as an ally, if he wants to.

I sigh, completely giving up because I don’t have a choice, as I look down giving him a knowing look and see his face light up.

It makes me extremely happy.

“That’s a sigh of defeat! I won! WE ARE FRIENDS!” He yells as I start chuckling.

“Yay, now what do we do with this now?” I say very out of energy, as this has been very draining, but it seemed to do the opposite for Bob.

“…wanna go over to my restaurant? Linda will be so happy to find out we’re friends, she’s always liked hanging out with you.”

Now that makes me wanna cry again.

“…yea, yea we can.” I say, trying not to cry. I think Bob noticed, because his face was so filled with happiness and warmth.

“Alright, are we going through your restaurant?” He asked kind of like he knows we are infamous for our rivalry. It would be kinda fun to keep people thinking that. I give him a look of “…nah.” As he shared with me that same sentiment.

Bob POV:

“…wanna go around the back?” I ask. Jimmy looks at me with a silent agreement of not wanting to break the town lore.

“Yea” he agrees.

“Alright.”

I still can’t believe it. We’re friends. I’m friends with my old rival. Who was also kinda my friend back then. It happened. We did it. We made it. We’re here.

It feels… man, I lost the word, I was saying a version of it a while ago.

…

Man I’ve missed him.

[pseudowho]

mrs haitch i need advice😕im in university and i called this business two weeks before i got here that i was interested in working there and they said to come by once i moved in and i did. i filled out an application and they said they would call me. they never did so i called them and they said a couple applications got shredded and that mine mightve been one of them. but then the manager said to come by and bring my social security number with me which basically implies i got the job. so i went today and told her ‘hey you basically told me i have the job so im here to work’ and she told me that they already hired people to work the only times im available to work and i just dont know what to do. i have terriblr luck with jobs (i didnt have a job the whole summer except for the last couple weeks) amd i know if i keep applying i might get one but no guarantee. i dont know if i just dont have enough experience (which i dont get how im supposed to get any if no one hires me) or what but i desperately need a job and im just stuck. obviously if this is too much you dont have to bother with it. i totally understand but you are a very wise woman and i thought to ask you for advice/your opinion on this.

I understand, it's okay. The job market is thoroughly shit here in the UK, and I believe it's the same in a lot of western countries at the moment.

With the 'not enough experience' schtick, which I fucking hate by the way, I feel like you might have more luck either swinging just below what you're looking for, or just above.

For the 'just above', consider playing the long game: think outside of the box with which jobs you might be able to get, if you have just a little extra something. Could you look into babysitting-- perhaps there's a fairly easy to get certification in basic childcare? Could you look into tutoring-- lots of parents are looking for University students to tutor their kids in basic subjects, because they could often get away with paying you a little less than a 'formal' tutor. If it's cash in hand, as well, this benefits you.

For the 'just below', aim for the kind of jobs that 16-18 year old kids go for, pre-University, if you're not doing this already. They're used to people with no experience. Any hospitals near you looking for cleaners or porters? Any hotels near you looking for cleaners or porters?? Try not to exclude a job just because of an initial 'ew' feeling. Branch out a bit.

The next bit of advice is quantity quantity quantity-- if you see any job which even remotely looks like you could do it, apply. Something's got to stick eventually.

The next one is fairly old-fashioned but I'll be honest, I've seen it work; take a walk around the local town. Scope out the businesses with an armful of your CVs and your best brave smiling face. You are genuinely more memorable as an actual living, breathing, smiling person than you are as some faceless document sent their way. In an age of companies being shedloads of CVs and job applications in such a competitive market, perhaps staying local and personal will help you stand out and work in your favour.

Phew...I think that's all I have really.

Remember, consider asking @mrhaitch who has actually helped students your age to do exactly this kind of thing.

Focus on getting into a job, and doing well at it. Then you'll have experience and income, and it's proven to be easier to find another job when you already have a job.

All my love, and good luck,

-- Haitch xxx

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi, I feel your blog is a really really safe place, I'm one of your mutuals and I just wanted to say thank you!!!

And I just had a question about my sexuality. I liked a boy when I was like 16 and he was my best friend. I think we liked each other but then I got bullied and he, including the whole class, stopped speaking to me. And I miss him everyday, but then I'm looking back and I realised I didn't like him like a girl, I had always thought that I was boy liking a boy, and I don't know how to explain, but I've always felt gender fluid, but with him I wish I was a boy. Idk, maybe I'm overthinking it. But yeah, I wish I could understand what I'm going through... but I felt he understood me, and yeah, looking back, I wish things hadn't turned out the way it did, but yeah ...

And even with my guy friends, I always felt like a boy being their friend, even though some of them had a crush on me, I never felt what I did with the other guy ... they were just jormal guys to me, and I never felt anything more than friendship...

I always wanted to be a boy as a little kid, and I love it when people mistake me for one, but there are days when I wished I was more feminine... idk, really. I feel like I'm such a mess.

Sorry for the rant. Omg it probably doesn't make sense. But yeah, thank you for listening.

Hi!! <3

First of all, please don't apologize!

Okay, so let's look at this from two separate angles, because remember that sexuality and gender are two separate things.

Gender:

So I am reading between the lines and it seems like (correct me if I am wrong) you are currently identifying as a girl to your friends?

But yeah, based on what you are saying, that might not actually be so. Here is something to consider: there is a difference between femininity and being a girl. Boy can dress feminine!

Based on this, I wonder if you are possibly genderfluid or a (trans) boy? I can't decide that for you.

How do you feel when you think about either of those labels? Does it feel more genuine to say 'I'm x and I'm a boy' or maybe something else? What pronouns feel the most genuine? Try it out! Remember, you can always redefine yourself based on experience and self-discovery. And you can take your time figuring it out.

Maybe start by asking a trusted person to refer to you a certain way and see how it feels. You've got this!

Sexuality:

A lot of people say that gender and sexuality aren't linked at all, but they are a little, right? Because if you identify as a girl and you like boys, that would be different than if you identify as a boy/not a girl and you like boys.

It seems safe to say you like boys, yeah? And judging from most of what you were saying before, you were pretty sure about that. It seems, then, that you're probably questioning your gender more than your sexuality. That just make you wonder about how to label your sexuality.

But remember that you don't owe anyone a label. You can take your time figuring out your preferences and gender and just settle with "well, I know I like boys" for now. That should be enough for anyone interested in you.

I think once you figure out your gender a bit more, it'll be easier to figure out a label for your sexuality. But for now, my advice is to focus on you. Figure out what feels real and genuine. And remember you don't need all the answers.

Remember, I'm here if you need to talk and all of this is completely normal and it DOES make sense!

<3

[furiousgoldfish]

Hi, general TW for physical abuse, mental/emotional abuse, sexual abuse, mental health topics (just to be safe). Apologies for the length.

(i sent this twice in case the first one didn't go through, I know sometimes long asks disappear in the system. If you got two please ignore this one, thank you for understanding)

This is.. going to be odd but I'm the person that sent the ask about learning how to be more like a typical human after being semi-feral? you asked a few questions and I can answer them, and maybe get some advice too on it as well. Sorry if this is disjointed, I'm in a bad head space right now but I haven't seen your inbox open in a while so I wanted to answer you while I could.

You asked me about how I survived. And honestly it was mostly because I didn't have an alternative. For physical abuse, I developed a high pain tolerance and don't much have the ability to cry or react to pain. I genuinely don't understand why people describe certain things as being painful, I can handle punches, cuts, etc without reacting.

For starvation my body has stopped reacting to hunger. I haven't felt hunger in many many years, and even then it was a rare occurrence. While it's most likely that I have stunted physical growth because of malnutrition, I can go days without eating without feeling any negative side effects. This is similar with water as well. I can go over a day or two without water and still be okay, actually most of my childhood I drank some water in the morning and then didn't drink anything until 5pm.

As for everything else, I wasn't really allowed to express emotions growing up after my birth parents. While my birth mother would sometimes beat me just to see me cry because she thought it was funny, in the foster home I spent the most time in any reaction from me that wasn't positive or praise was considered problematic. (more about the foster home later)



I'll also add that one of the things that kept me alive, ironically, was the thought of how easy it was to die. The first time I tried killing myself was when I was 5, where I had trained the dog I was living with to lay on a pillow wherever it was put. I'd then lay down and get the dog to lay on that, effectively suffocating me. The dog left after attacking a different kid (who tried killing it) and I was removed after.

My entire childhood I planned my own suicide in all sorts of ways. I've tried stealing and taking pills, I used to keep cups of bleach by my bedside to trick myself into drinking it, I tried laying on streets so cars would crush me, all the way to more elaborate plans I won't share. I don't remember when I started self harming, however I always was sneaky about it because I was always under what was called "arm check" watch. So it stuck mostly to things I could get away with.

I, though I don't know why, have an unnaturally high tolerance to medication, drugs, anaesthetics, and alcohol. I need 3 to 4 times the regular dose of medication for it to impact me, I've never been put under anaesthetics because they've never been legally able to give me a high enough dose to knock me out, and though I've been pressured to drink by adults when I was younger I've never gotten drunk, not even when I was a teen and drank a whole 6 pack.

This has stopped me from overdosing many times, because I've reached the point where I've taken enough medication to actually overdose but didn't. Perhaps this is due to overactive survival instincts, perhaps it's a bizarre quirk. Perhaps my birth parents used to drug me and I gained an early life tolerance. But in summary, only the idea that if I were to die it would be under my own terms was what kept me alive. That and spite, and a fear of abandoning any current foster siblings or pets that I protected from foster siblings that tried killing/maiming them.



To answer you about alters, I'm not entirely sure if I have fully formed alters or not? While my dissociation isn't as bad as it was when I was younger (I'd zone out to the point where I was completely gone for hours. No matter what anyone did I wouldn't react at all) and I eventually learned how to at least move and somewhat speak when it happens.

I do have like a co-host? There's two of me inside my head, and majority of my communication in life has been us talking to each other. However I think it's important to mention that when I was 6 there was a shift? I'm unsure how to word it but this is the closest way I can put it: when I was 6 the original person of the body died and left us two behind.

We had completely different interests, reactions to things, thoughts and dreams and everything. It's to the point that I was moved to another foster home because I was no longer the kid the previous foster parents wanted. And it felt like we had to re-learn how everything worked all over again, because I only knew how to survive.

Every few years that "rebirth" cycle happens again, and the two co-hosts seem to shut off for a bit and then turn back on, but when they turn back on we loose sense of "us" and have to relearn a bunch of things. And not just small things, but big things like school concepts, social rules, what is and isn't acceptable to speak about, how to properly move our body, all of that. Everything feels brighter and more real for a week or two after before it goes back to being dull.

But after that we're still like a new duo living in the head and living in this body. We may have different interests and do differently in school, and I have no clue why it happens. If it is all alters, maybe we're stuck in a perpetual loop of being born, barely surviving, and dying over and over again. It's the only way I can keep track of periods of my life, on which 3 or 4 year period certain iterations of us control the body.

I guess this sort of internal cycle also adds to me not feeling like a real person, because I often loose all the person-ness I've gained and have to read-build my illusion of humanness all over again. What comes naturally to me isn't what a human should be like, and it's unsafe for me to ever be me, at the very least until I can someday find a place safe enough to live.



My main reason for learning how to speak, even though it physically hurts me to do so for any length of time, was so I could learn how to beg people not to kill me. As soon as I sensed adult disappointment I would crouch on the ground and cover my head and beg the adult not to kill me, which got me moved from another foster home after the school called the foster parents too many times asking why I did that.

Eventually I learned that doing that would make people more likely to kill me, so my general perspective of the world my entire life has been "everyone in the world belongs on a ranking system of how much power they have over another person. Teachers and parents have the most, while kids older than you will always have more power. I have less ranking than everyone else around me, so any hurt done to me will always be acceptable. If someone kills me it's well within their ranking to do so." I still struggle to not have this outlook, as I'm used to being treated as more of a pet or novelty than a person.

I don't know if that answers your questions, but that's the best I can do. If there's any more questions you have I can try answering them whenever I find your inbox open again.



Here's the more about foster care, and what I have some questions about. I've mentioned this to someone once, and they said it sounded similar to human trafficking? though I consider it normal.

In the one foster home I stayed at, the one I stayed at the longest, was one where every child that went there had a "ranking". For some extra context: every child there was a legal orphan, all through having birth parents so bad they couldn't stay with them.

The ranking system was based on how "adoptable" the child was. For instance, if you did well in school, didn't have attention put on you, stayed quiet and followed chores and "requests" at the foster home, and basically did what you were told you'd keep a good ranking. This also included not reacting to any trauma you have, not mentioning previous parents (foster or birth), and basically being a child that raised themself. HOWEVER it didn't matter what happened at home, just keeping up appearances and not bothering the foster parents.

While at that foster home over the years I had over 8 foster siblings, though only 5 of them stayed for longer than a few months. When I was 6 the boy already living there tried, and likely succeeded at some point, raping me. The only reason why he was ever caught (he was left home alone with me to babysit, despite him being no where near capable of doing so.) was because a new girl (around 8) had moved in and caught him in the act. She had just come from a place where she'd witnessed rape and freaked out enough that they eventually moved the boy.

Even though she saved me then and at times acted like an older sister, she also was... not happy with her life. She tried killing me multiple times, usually through drowning (both when we were left alone and her telling babysitters that I could swim and putting me in situations where I'd nearly drown). She also tried attack me with a knife a few times, however all the cabinets and drawers in the house were locked so it was rare for her to get anything too sharp.

She also had been planning to murder our foster parents and blame me for it, however someone reported her for trying to get a teacher to have sex with her when she was 13 and got sent away. There was another boy that lived there around my age a few years later that also tried killing me multiple times, usually through strangulation, pushing me onto the road, trying to hang me a few times, attacking me with a knife, and in other ways. He was rather sneaky and had been 2 weeks away from being officially adopted by the foster parents before he tried threatening someone on the school bus.

He had threatened people before and had never actually attacked someone at school, but the bus driver had gotten mad enough that he was suspended. Our foster parents only called him "devil child" and terminated the adoption process and sent him away, despite him doing that and worse to me for years at home.

I had a few other foster siblings similar to that, two other ones that showed sexual interest in me. One simply harassed me while the other raped me nightly for years before eventually being sent away because 3 foster kids at once was "too financially difficult" (even though the foster parents were paid to care for all of us, covering school supplies, clothes, and more. The only clothes I got were the clothes of older foster siblings, sometimes even stuff from previous foster kids I'd never met that was kept in garbage bags in the attic).

There's a lot more I could add, like how in that foster home I was often put to work in their construction business, and how the foster mother was grooming me to have a "special" relationship with her, and more, but first I want to talk about the foster home.



So the ranking system was used not only to basically tell us foster kids whether we'd be able to still stay there/not get abandoned again. It was also used to consider how "considerate" our removal would be. If you had a poor ranking you'd get insulted and lose certain privileges, and if it got bad enough the foster parents would refer to the kid as "devil child" (regardless of age).

A "considerate" removal was where a foster kid would be told they'd be removed a few weeks or months in advance, a bad removal was being kicked out suddenly with all the things you were allowed to keep in garbage bags.

Part of the "considerate" removal (and what the person said sounded like "human trafficking") was the videos we had to make. We would make videos about us doing homework, our likes, us doing chores, stuff like that. A sort of general introduction to the kid, and why anyone watching would want to foster/adopt that kid. These videos would show off all the best qualities of a kid, be burned onto a special CD with the kid's legal name on it, and then played to groups of potential foster/adoptive parents.

The foster parents and the potentials would meet in a room and watch the disk, and whoever was interested would stay behind and ask the foster parents more questions. Whoever was the kid that was staying at the foster home the longest would go and act as a sort of "fact checker" of sorts, because "children are worse at lying".

That, after a few years, ended up being me. I've been in many meetings with groups of adults I don't know and asked about how good my foster siblings were, and sometimes even asked which potential foster parents I liked the most, which would get taken into consideration on which potential foster/adoptive parents my foster sibling(s) would go to.



I'll admit to being selfish and not wanting them to leave, even if they had hurt me. It hurt more having to lie about where I was, but it hurt more seeing adults I mildly recognized come to the door and take my foster siblings away. I always tried to get my foster siblings controlled in some way to avoid them having to be removed, which often made them more mad at me and more likely to lash out, but we'd all been abandoned and I didn't want them to be abandoned again. But perhaps they were luckier, because they got to move out.

Those foster parents of that foster home has a copy of every CD made for all the foster kids, though there's a few that didn't get time to make CDs before they were kicked out. It was all through our local child protective services, but I wasn't allowed any internet presence and few photos of me which means there is a possibility that I was kidnapped (or "misplaced") in the system.

Those foster parents were also... not great. It turns out that the foster mother had had her own biological children removed from her decades ago, and they couldn't have biological children of their own. They wanted a child to replace the one they couldn't have, and were cycling through children until they found one easy enough to control (i remind you children all with birth parents abusive enough that we were all declared legal orphans).

I ended up being controllable enough, though that was also because my social worker abandoned me and I had no outside contacts and a panic-attack inducing fear of adults. Eventually they adopted me and changed my name to one of the foster mother's birth child's names. They forbade me from learning anything about my past OTHER than whatever terrible things my birth parents did.

Unless I was physically working for the foster father (construction business he mostly ignored me. By the time I was 7 I was tiling bathroom floors, and by the time I was 9 I had helped (without ladders or any safety measures) put roofing on roofs). He ignores my physical ailments and always changes the topic whenever I mention anything that isn't "positive" or school, so we lack much of an emotional bond. However he also has never hurt me physically, touched me in any way, or purposefully made me cry. He does ignore everything the foster mother did.



The foster mother had wanted a "special" relationship, and I don't know what else to describe it. Once I knew enough language to speak and make up stories she was telling me about her own trauma and the trauma of her self-help-group/clients. (The foster parents didn't want a disabled kid so I was forced to do home schooling over the summers to "make up" for "my defective brain". They weren't trained and it got ugly many many times because of my brain damage and general inhumanness. Due to the treatment of my birth parents I have brain damage that no one ever checked up on.)

I was raised on stories of rape, abuse, murder, and trauma. The only TV I was ever allowed to watch was construction-work related stuff (so I could better help in the business) or shows with murder. The birth mother would pit the other foster kids against me because I got the "special privilege" of being allowed into the foster mother's office (the only time we ever would see her, other than watching tv._

This "special privilege" included her removing her shirts so I could give her back massages (starting when I was 7), and her telling me about her clients/friends. It also included her sharing her delusions in a religious sort of way, and training me to "be more human".

No matter what i did I could never fully please her, because no matter what I do I will never be a real human. I was never allowed therapy and was the closest thing to therapy I've had was those "Special meetings" with the foster mother. And there the core lessons for me was the following:

No matter what I do, I will ALWAYS be worth less than everyone because I am fundamentally inhuman.

Everyone else is always telling the truth compared to me, because I'm fundamentally incapable of experiencing reality.

Everyone plans out their life before they live it. That means that I planned out every single thing that ever happened in my life. That means I wanted every bad thing that happened, and there was no one to blame but me.

That it's not actually that hard to hide a body, and if I try talking to outsiders I'll learn that first hand (this was partially why the foster mother had me watch so many murder and murder mystery shows. It was a reminder of how she could point out all the mistakes the murderers made, AKA how easy it would be for her to kill me and get away with it).

My life is a mistake, something that should have never happened, and if I talked to other people I'd only spread my curse them to be like me.

Never talk about what happens at home. Or your life.



When I was 17 the foster parents moved me to another place in the country where the nearest towns were over an hours drive away and the nearest town with police was 2+hours away. And where the age of adulthood was older than 18, all so I couldn't legally leave them (they have made far far too many stalking, kidnapping, maiming and more threats because they "love me too much to let me go"). And in general keep me as isolated as they could, a thing they've done since I was placed in their care.

There's so much more I could talk about, but this is already far far too long, so I have a few question I hope you could answer?

First, I'd appreciate any reaction or thoughts you could share, I find it helps give me an outside perspective from someone who doesn't think all this to be normal (and therefore more comfortable than the alternative).

Second, would the CDs and method of foster children getting new foster/adoptive parents be considered similar to human trafficking? I really don't think it is, but that comment the person made has stuck with me, and I wanted to get someone else's opinion (it's... not something I can just go and ask someone)/

Third, is it normal for parents (foster, adoptive or otherwise) to want you to raise yourself? I basically was feeding myself (making meals, packing lunches, etc) since I was 7 and helped my foster siblings do so too. I helped do everyone's laundry since I was 6 (my foster siblings and I were so small that just for one basket all three of us would have to grab on and drag it upstairs lol) and have continued to do mine and the foster parents's laundry since. I never got homework help, never did outside activities that would require the foster parents taking me places, I spent all my time in a forest (sometimes camping in it for weekends until I was old enough to be taken seriously if I complained about living conditions (around 13?). etc

Fourth, is it weird that I was required to do so much construction work? I've helped with the demolition and construction of many houses since I was 7-ish, ranging from taking down walls to plumbing to electrical wiring, creating walls, tiling, carpeting, roofing, making decks, etc etc etc. For a few years my bedroom was also used as a tool storage area, with tons of saws, knives, and tools all over the place. The foster mother was well aware of my suicidal tendencies and she would tell me to do it, put my in situations where I could do it, shame me for being "like that", and only cared if it ruined the foster parents' combined reputation.

Fifth, is it wrong for me to be upset at the idea that the only reason why I've ever been considered a wanted child (or wanted in general) is because how my trauma manifested as internal reactions rather than acting out (aka making me more controllable)? I should be happy that I had so many chances at having a family, even if I never stopped feeling like an orphan, right? (sorry, I've been thinking about this a lot for a while. I can't help but feel mad at the friend I have and school peers in the past because they never had to struggle at just the chance for family. They take it for granted. It's unfair.)



Last, does this fall into continued emotional and/or psychological abuse? Compared to my birth parents and other foster parents they seemed amazing to me, however from reading about other people's families I realize that my foster/adoptive parents sound equal or even worse (NOT to make it a competition, I mean "worse" in the sense that I didn't know those things were considered abusive, NOT that other people "have it easy". pain is pain, and no one likes being hurt.)

For instance, for a few months the foster mother was in the hospital and the foster father went to work and then went to the hospital, only coming home to sleep and make sure there was food for us to eat. I thought they were both at the hospital. We had no baby sitters, even though the oldest kid was 8 and the youngest was 5. Or the time that the foster mother threatened to break down my bedroom door and beat me because I was sick and didn't want to go out somewhere that gave me migraines. Or the many times the foster mother would keep insulting and berating me until I cried, but if I ever said anything I was "defending the fact that all I want to do in life is to suffer". Or how much the have laughed at me for trying to explain to them that I need psychological or physical help (the hardest I've ever seen them laugh is when I told them I was suicidal as a kid. They made jokes about me killing myself and how for months after). Or not being allowed water, or having food withheld, or how the foster mother's delusions have grown to the point that for years I've been denied not just the idea that I'm human, but the idea that I'm a living individual.

According to her I'm an extension of herself without autonomy or personhood, no one but her exists, everyone in the world is an illusion, and far far more. Constantly having to not just listen to multiple hour long rants and having to repeat/speak about how right she because she'd remove my access to water or food or online school (this was during the pandemic, which for me was 3 years straight of being in a new place knowing no one and left with 100% of my interaction being her or the foster father. Those years of psychological mind tricks (I have no clue how to explain it, brainwashing is the closest thing but I don't want to say that in case I'm wrong) definitely not done me good.



(That's also ignoring what happened at other foster homes I've lived at. There was a foster father that was... too "loving" towards young children, another who would lock me in a closet if I was in his eyesight too long, and a foster mother that had gotten frustrated at me for only meowing and hissing as I was had been beaten so many times I was afraid to try learning how to speak so she threw me outside to live with the dog. She'd clean me up and say I was telling stories if I said anything about it through my limited language skills, basically just wanted the money).

Apologies for how long this is, I completely understand if it takes you a long time to answer, or if you choose not to answer at all. Thank you for what you do for everyone, and thank you for taking time to answer everyone's stuff. I hope you have a good day and a good life.

Thank you for answering all of the questions and explaining to me how you survived. I appreciate all of the time you spent explaining it, and everything you said makes sense to me. This is going to be a long response as well, so I'll put it under 'read more'.

The way you survived is something I wouldn't even think possible, your entire body has adapted to the point where all of your senses have turned off, almost permanently, in order for life to still be possible. It is scary to know that this can even happen, and I hope dearly that this doesn't mess up your health (and I want to say, quality of life, but, uh.) I am sorry the lack of nutrition stumped your physical growth.

While your endurance over pain, hunger, and resistance to medicine might seem impressive, it is a sign of how harsh and dangerous your environment was, and how far you had to adapt in order to survive. It's understandable that it's very hard for you to relate to other people, when you're adapted for much different circumstances of life.

It's also incredible you managed to survive at all, and it makes sense you were always look for a way out, it would not have been possible to survive what you did, without hoping that you could end it. It is devastating what you felt compelled to do, but I'm going to try and stay collected to answer this, because I don't feel like you're looking for a display of emotions.

What you describe as co-hosts in your head, that definitely sounds like alters, but I've never heard of a case like yours, where they're shutting off, dying, and then regenerating and re-learning everything, in order to survive. Again, it makes sense with your living circumstances, that it has to be like that, anyone would burn out and shut off in any way possible, and you have to go thru that cylce in order to keep being alive. Still, I'm very sorry that you have to suffer thru this, and struggle to keep any personality you develop. It sounds like your personality forming was shattered into pieces, and it might take a long time to start recovering it, if it's even possible (I'm not smart about this, I really can't say.)

It would make sense that it stops you from feeling like a person though. I doubt there's a lot of people you can relate to, or even talk about this.

I said I would stay collected writing this, but when I read that you learned to speak only to beg people not to kill you, that felt like a physical blow. I had to close my laptop and take a few minutes. That proves unimaginable cruelty and life danger from humans that you had to endure, and your instincts had to over-write everything, even pain, in order to give you a slight chance of survival, and I know that this type of danger erases everything, your personality and sense of self, until there's nothing but pure survival instinct and it takes over.

People who called the foster parents asking why you did that, likely also understood what kind of cruelty trauma this implied.

The ranking system you described, it makes sense. It's not supposed to be like this. In a humane world, we do not have a ranking system, we are, in theory, supposed to all be equal, and none of us is supposed to do harm to another, thats the theory that society's foundations are set on. There are laws protecting it, or at least in theory, there are laws protecting people from the greatest harm. However, what you experienced from society was not like that. A lot of society is not like that. There are people who are intent on building a hierarchy everywhere, and they do feel entitled to do harm to anyone they set on a lower level. It happens in systems of corporations, education, economy, government, family, any system where there are people with authority over other people. And you have experienced the absolute worst of the worst of it. So you had to pick up their rules, the rules of those who need this hierarchy in order to get away with hurting others, who feel entitled to it and constantly need victims. Me and most other people are disgusted by it, and a lot of people want to believe that people in authority would not abuse the authority to cause harm, but by vast majority, they do.

The reason why this hierarchy is so prevalent among children, is that children are always the most vulnerable demographic, being small, defenseless, and in complete power and dependency of others. So they are the ones who get hurt first from the hierarchy system, who are most likely to fall victims – and not only that, but children will mimic whatever behaviour is presented to them, so they will mimic the hierarchy as well, and continue building it among themselves. This also means that the bigger, more aggressive and opportunistic children, will abuse smaller, more scared, more vulnerable, and more sensitive non-violent children. It is not how things are supposed to work, all children are supposed to be protected and safe from abuse. But you have lived the reality of it, and you know how the system works. Anyone who wants to do harm, will pick someone who can't fight back, and who will not be believed, and they can do to this individual whatever they want to, leaving this person with trauma to recover for ages. This isn't right, it's not humane, normal, or compatible with human life, it's an evil hierarchy that not all humans subscribe to. But it is, in the systems that people with power abuse, extremely common. And utterly devastating to live thru, as someone with no power over anyone else.

And I know that the rule 'anyone who kills you is well within their ranking to do so' feels incredibly true (I've felt this in my family as well), but it is not. Nobody's ranking gives them an authority to end your life, or to take it from you. Nothing can grant people the right to do this. What they're doing is getting away with it, when they shouldn't, and they have no right. This is people acting out of their right, out of what is normal, allowed, or humane. I know it doesn't sound real when so, so many people have done this to you, have tried to kill you, and acted like it was the most normal thing imaginable. But all of this was wrong. I'm sorry if what I'm writing right now is painful, I'm not sure how much I can say without making it worse – if something I said feels bad, feel free to disregard it completely.

*

I think the ranking you describe in your foster care is built in an inhumane way. Rewarding children for being extremely convenient, hiding trauma, hiding emotions, obeying and doing work, and punishing them for any actual normal child behaviour, like being openly traumatized, in pain, defiant, acting out, that's not done in child's benefit. Children deserve better than to be suppressed and play pretense in hopes that someone will some day find them worthy of love. It also invites foster parents who only care about 'keeping appearances' and nothing else to benefit from this system. I want to believe there are foster parents who'd want to help a child recover and live a happy life, and not just to have a convenient person who obeys them in the house.

I am so sorry about the amount of sexual violence, murder attempts, and abuse you had suffered in your foster home. I can see you're writing about it as if it's nothing, so I can assume this was very normal and common for you, and not something devastating and life-damaging (you've been thru worse at that point, so it's no surprise that this doesn't come to you as a huge deal). I'm glad you noticed that it is incredibly hypocritical of the foster parents to send that boy away for threatening someone at the bus, when he'd been doing way worse to you for ages – it had only mattered to the parents when someone else was involved, while you were treated as if your experience didn't matter, and he was again, allowed to do anything. This is wrong, and he should have been sent away for hurting you right away.

I can also kind-of, understand that you bonded strongly with your foster siblings, even if they were hurting you or trying to kill you. Your sense of bonding at this point is so strong, because your survival within the community depends on you having someone on your side, at least a little, at least sometimes. And murder attempts are so common for you, it doesn't seem like a deal breaker, what you needed was someone to make life a little more livable, and despite all the harm, your foster siblings still were that for you. So you didn't want them to go away. That is human and normal. We humans will pick abuse and harm over being completely neglected, alone and isolated. I think your reaction was completely understandable.

It is terrifying to find out that foster homes have removals of kids in such brutal and punishing manner. This is cruelty to children, and I didn't know how horrid the reality of it was. I am so sorry that you were forced to live in such a place.  

About the human trafficking claim, the thing is that the ranking system they had for you, and the videos, do sound extremely oppressive and messed up, almost like they were training you to be obedient and then creating a catalogue for potential 'owners' to watch. It doesn't sound like something loving parents would want to do when picking out a kid, they'd want to spend time with the kid, get to know them personally, not hear about 'qualities' and watch a video that proves obedience. Coupled with the fact that after you were adopted, you were forced to work from the age of 7, and construction work as well, makes it sounds extremely like human trafficking to me. I mean, it's not a 100%, because I assume even in these circumstances, it's possible for a kid to get adopted without necessarily being put to work for no wage (which is human trafficking, being put in a position where you're forced to work to survive, often in bad conditions and without money, or benefits, you only get your life), but the situation they set up sounds like it was made specifically to attract traffickers – in this case, people who wanted a child laborer, with a promise that the kid would be extremely well behaved, obedient, and would do any work required of them. While for complete diagnosis of human trafficking, the foster home would have to take money from the parents in order to take the kids – and I don't know if this is the case or not, I'm not knowledgeable about how foster systems work, it's possible that the money exchange is secretly taking place, or that the person who set it up this way did it on purpose, and is financially benefitting from kids being given to those who are most likely to use them for free child labour. So what I think is that it definitely does cause human trafficking. It created the perfect setup for it and it attracts people who can pick out who they want for free labour. If anyone reading this knows more about it, or could give a better analysis of this, please do. It does look like trafficking to me. Not even necessarily because of the CD's, more because of the obedience training and hierarchy, but the CD's sound so cold and alarming and not like something genuine adoptive parents would want to experience.

It's alarming to know that your foster parents changed your name, modifying your entire identity, and forbade you from learning a lot about your past. It sounds like they were set on controlling who you are allowed to be, and who they are in the story (it's probable they were trying to build a story of saving you, from your horrible birth parents, they would surely look good in comparison no matter what they did, given how extremely you were abused in the past.)

The fact that you worked construction, without any safety measures, without protection or any regulations or rewards, proves that this labour was extracted from you in return for your life, which is trafficking. Even your physical illnesses and pains were ignored. This is something that would be brutal even to an adult to endure, and is generally considered a cruel and unsurvivable thing to go thru. I can tell that after your past, a person who doesn't physically hurt you or make you cry is a big improvement and gave you a sense of physical safety, even if you were required to constantly offer labour in return for life, at least it wasn't pain, damage, life threats and murder attempts, so it makes perfect sense that this just felt, a little off! It's extremely common for victims of abuse, to continue going thru life while suffering some lesser amounts of abuse and thinking it was nothing, or it's no big deal, because we're so used to horrid treatment, anything better than the worst seems like a walk in the park, and we're just grateful that things aren't worse for us. So your reaction to it is completely logical. It's only in the context of looking at it from the eyes of a not-abused person, that it looks pretty horrifying, having to work construction as a child, with a person who fails to have any bond with you, while having effectively no caretakers, nobody to emotionally rely on, all while just being grateful things aren't worse.

Your foster mother was parentifying you, meaning she wanted you to take care of her, instead of it being the reverse. It's disturbing that they called your brain 'defective', because it's anything but that, your brain is one of the most brilliant masters of survival, you should be given a lot of credit for going thru all of what you did, and ending up this intelligent, coherent, communicative, clear and understanding. I understand you had to become this way out of necessity and because you had no other choice, but I believe you should still be given credit that you did all that, despite how little you had to work with.

It's also disturbing they only allowed you to watch construction and murder, it's like they wanted your entire world to be reduced to working, and knowing that you can be killed at any minute, it's almost like a threat and a blackmail in order to keep you obedient and working at all times – not that they needed to, you were already in so much terror it was unlikely you would disobey.

The 'special privilege' your mother was claiming to give you was really just parentification, possibly emotional incest (asking massages and expecting you to emotionally cater to her needs). It's very likely that she could be narcissistic. The core lessons she taught you were so dehumanizing and put you in a position where you could only have worth as much as you can be of use to her – which is how narcissist view others. This is not normal or common. You were human the entire time, more human than she was.

You are more than capable of experiencing and effectively describing reality, the way you described it here to me is both eloquent and easy to understand, regardless of how horrifying and dark your reality is. You are good at expressing what happened, and at analyzing it as well. So why would she set rules that would blame you for everything bad that ever happened to you, when you had absolutely no control over it? In order to be able to do more bad things to you, and never be held accountable. She also wanted to keep you silent from ever telling on her (if you talk to others you'll spread the curse) and if you are inconvenient or troublesome we can kill you (it's not hard to hide a body). I feel like you already understand that all of the rules are only self-serving for her, and made so that again, she'd have so much power over you, she could get away with anything.

But in reality, all of those core values are bullshit, and only a cruel, inhumane and evil person could ever impose that on a child (or any other person, really).

I know it can feel devastating that even after all that abuse, you ended up in another threatening, dangerous and exploitative situation, but again, this is pretty common for victims of heavy abuse, that we often find ourselves in some other version of abuse, and usually we go bit by bit until we reach a healthier stage. You can move on from this and find a better environment that will value your humanity in a real way. You were never anything other than human, but you were put in a lot of situations that made it hard for you to feel that, or rather, too painful to feel it. It's easier on the heart to believe you do deserve all this, and that you are to blame, rather than to think that you were a helpless, blameless kid subjected to cruelty for no other reason than someone wanted it, and could get away with it.

To answer your questions:

Even though your life is so dark, I find myself relating to the parts of the story, which scares me, but also gives me hope that you can find a way to freedom, even with a situation this dire. I can tell that you're calm and collected thru it all, which I admire, but it also makes me think you are completely numb and dissociated from the pain you're experiencing, so that you could talk coherently and calmly. However, you're asking for an outside perspective of someone who doesn't think it's all normal – while I don't think it's normal at all, I might not be the best outside perspective, since I'm also viewing it from the lens of abuse. I think true outside perspective would be to be completely and utterly horrified, shocked, devastated and shaken by everything you've been thru, which I do feel as well, but I'm not going to be of much help if I give in to feelings.

The CD's themselves, I don't think are a proof of trafficking, though they are weird, cold, and combined with everything else, do play a part in enabling the trafficking. It is good to ask questions, there are people who know and understand far more about human trafficking, and you should keep asking, and pointing out what feels off to you. You did end up in a situation where two people with absolutely no desire to care for a child, have gotten a child who was sure to obey their orders, work for them for free, take care of one of them emotionally, and endure dehumanizing and threatening environment. This is a form of trafficking – and I should say, trafficking doesn't always feel like you're trafficked. It feels like 'this is just what life is and I should be grateful that it's not worse, because I know worse, I could be dying on the street right now, but if I do this I'll be allowed to live'. And I believe that you are in this situation, and it's not your fault, and there's not much you can do about it immediately.

I don't think its normal for any kind of parents to expect you to raise yourself. That is just severe neglect and parentification (expecting the child to act the role of a parent or a caretaker). You should have had meals and clothes provided to you, you should have had actual care and gentleness and opportunity to talk about what happened to you and what is bothering you. And you should have never been give to people who would mess you up even further, do damage to your brain, threaten you or try to convince you that you're not human. You should have gotten help with homework and everything else. You shouldn't have been put in a situation where you're responsible for the care of very young children when you were 6. You should have been taken places and given happy experiences. You should have been given good living conditions and peace of mind. You should have been told that you're a good child, that you're doing well, and that everyone wants you around and is proud of you.

I'm curious about the forest, because I love the forest, does it feel safe for you to be in the nature? I want to be in the forest forever.

4. And your fourth question about the construction work – no, thats trafficking. Your room should not have been used as a storage either. You were used as a free worker and a servant, and not treated as a child there to be cared for and healed from sever trauma. Also your foster mother pushing you to suicide, thats hateful and gross. It should have never happened.

5. It's not wrong for you to be upset. You were wanted as a free worker because they realized it would be easy to threaten you into obedience, and that you're way too scared of adults to ever disobey, or complain about anything. Your trauma put you in a situation where you would once again, be exploited. It's also normal for you to still feel like an orphan, since none of your parents did any caretaking, or took the role of actually parenting you at any point, they did not build a bond with you, they only kept using you, and you had no idea of knowing that this wasn't normal, or that it was neglect and abuse. It's normal to be mad at other people who take their families for granted, when it's something you sacrificed everything for. It really is not fair.

6. You did well to figure out that your foster parenting experience is not normal, that could not have been easy. Compared to your birth parents, I believe, anyone would seem amazing. Just less violence and less murder threats is amazing compared to constant attempts and constant violence. The only way you could have judged them is by comparison, and your birth parents were off the charts, most cruel and vicious beings imaginable. And I appreciate you pointing out that you're not making a competition out of it, it's true, we're not making a competition, but we can say one type of abuse is more life threatening than the other, and that different abuse brings out different kinds of feelings and consequences, and that some types of sever abuse, make other types seem invisible, harmless, no big deal, or even amazing.

What you describe about your mother saying 'all you want to do in life is suffer' and laughing at you for needing psychological and physical help, even when you're suicidal, is once again, hateful and cruel behaviour, and nobody should have done this to you. Accusing you of 'wanting your suffering' is insane. Laughing at a suicidal kid is inhumane. That is not funny, to normal humans it's devastating.

Your mother treating you as an extension of herself sounds a lot like she's trying to achieve enmeshment and engulfed relationship, like what narcissistic mothers do, because she wants you to be bonded to her, but in a way that you care for her, while she doesn't care for you. This isn't fair, and it's not normal. You are not an extension of anyone, you are yourself, and you have the right to do things that benefit you, and only you, and it does not make you selfish. You also have the right to refuse the things that hurt you, and everyone should respect that. Removing access from food, water or online school, is violation of your human rights, and not a punishment that is normal, or legal to use. I am so sorry you were alone with them and brainwashed for so long. I feel that you are so incredibly intelligent that you will see thru it, and I'm sure you're right to say it. Being isolated with people who see nothing human in you, would brainwash anyone.

Again, I am so sorry for what everyone have put you thru, they had no right. The other events you're describing are also horrifying and sound too painful to bear. You were treated worse than people treat animals, and they could have not do any of this to you, and they would have been just fine. It was their choices to do this.

Thank you for reaching out and for answering my questions, I knew it was selfish of me to ask, but I'm glad you got back to me and responded. I hope my answer helps you a bit, and you can keep talking to me if you want to. I'll try to open my inbox sooner this time.