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rwbyremnants · 4 years ago

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=Chapter 36

In no time, the three of them were in the backyard. Ruby looked nervous to the point of nauseated, but she was trying to be good about masking her nerves. And failing.

“What’s going on?” Yang finally hissed.

“Yeah, and why am I here?” Weiss asked. “Seriously, I thought you would only want your sister’s advice.”

The small girl squirmed, fidgeting with her fingers. “Well… jeepers, I think you’re really swell, Weiss, and you’re so nice to me! And you helped me and Yang start talking again, so it seems to me like you’re great at advice, y’know? A-and I thought it made sense to ask you! But if you don’t want me to ask your advice about stuff anymore, that’s fine! Really!”

“Why don’t you tell us what the problem is first?” Yang chuckled, cuffing her around the chin.

“Okay. I… yeah.” Taking a deep breath, she steeled herself. “I d-don’t know what to do about Homecoming!”

“Huh?”

“The dance! Remember? The… one you asked Weiss to?”

Rolling her eyes, she said, “I know what Homecoming is. What’s your beef with it?”

“Penny. She asked me, and I kinda… shot her down, but I didn’t mean to! She just really caught me off my guard - since I don’t even think girls can go with other girls. But now she kinda thinks I don’t want to go.”

“Ohhhhh,” Weiss breathed, nodding in understanding. “Yeah, I remember that now.”

“Right!” Pulling at her hair, she started pacing as she went on, “And now I wanna make it up to her in a really big way! But… this isn’t my thing, y’know? And I don’t even know if I like her in that way, but she seems to have caught it from you guys.”

Unable to help herself, Yang burst into laughter, doubling over and slapping her knee. Ruby pouted, and Weiss patted her arm gently until the Dragon could manage speech again. “CAUGHT! Like it’s… the goddamn measles!”

“Well, she did! Seeing so many girls dating? Y’know?”

“Ohhhh… oh boy, that was great.” Straightening up and wiping her eyes, she said, “You’re a big tickle, Sis!”

“Forget her,” Weiss sighed in mild annoyance, patting Ruby’s shoulder now. “I think it’s very nice that you want to go with Penny… assuming there’s no fella who’s caught your eye?”

“Not really,” she admitted with a little shrug.

“Then there’s no reason you two can’t go as friends. If she wants to think of it as a date, that’s fine, right? Just… tell her you have bad breath if she wants to make out.”

Yang snorted. “You don’t even have to do that. Okay, here’s what you’ll do…”

As she whispered into Ruby’s ear, Weiss tried to busy herself with staring off into the clouds. The whispering went on, and on, and on, and Ruby only nodded and breathed a little “Ohhhh” or “Yes!” to indicate she was listening. Eventually, she decided the two sisters needed this time to conspire and made her way back into the house, knowing she would scarcely be missed. They could always track her down later.

“Why the long face, Little Weiss?”

She squirmed. “My father was the last one to call me that.”

Kali frowned, setting the pie that had just come out of the oven down in the middle of the dining room table to cool. “It will never be uttered again.”

“No, no, I… it’s alright. You mean it very differently than he did.”

“Naturally.” She came over to drape her arm around her shoulders. “What was the matter before you came in here, then?”

“Nothing, actually. Today has been… very nice. All up and down the map! I just felt a little left out trying to keep up with Ruby and Yang. And I know that’s stupid,” she hurried ahead, making sure she got her words in before Kali’s rebuttal.

“Of course it isn’t stupid. Erroneous, maybe. But your feelings are your feelings.” When Weiss still didn’t look convinced, she guided her over and sat her in a chair. “You’ve had Yang all to yourself all day, and now you don’t, so you’re sad. But that will pass.”

Nodding, she stared down at the table for a second. Then something strange came to her; something she wasn’t sure she should say. But she began with, “Mrs. B?”

“Kali,” she corrected gently.

“Kali. Um… I know Blake has been weird about it, but… I think it’s a kick that you and my mother are becoming friends. And I can tell she’s really happy, too.”

The older woman blinked a few times before her lips twitched into a small smile. Weiss knew that one; adults always smiled like that when their children were being good in a “cute” way. “Thank you.”

“Ugh… fine, nevermind.”

“No, no, I mean it.” She took Weiss’s hand and squeezed it gently. “I actually do appreciate you saying so. You’ve already pointed out how strange it would be if I stopped flirting with you to flirt with your mother, and I can’t disagree, but… as of right now, I really am just happy to be there for your family. And having your support in that only makes me even happier.”

Allowing her lips to twitch into a smile, she breathed in relief, “Good.” Then she patted the back of Kali’s hand. “Where’s Blake, anyway?”

“Out with Emerald and some of the others. I’m not sure. Would you care to help me with my pasta? It’ll be time to get dinner going soon.”

“Yeah! I mean, we have to pull our weight around here.”

“That wasn’t why I asked,” she laughed, glancing up as Willow entered. “Ah, good ‘morning’ in the afternoon.”

But Weiss’s mother was busy breathing in deeply, eyes closed in bliss. “That… smells… divine.” The other two only giggled in bemusement as they all headed into the kitchen.

------------------------------------------

The rest of their Saturday was fairly uneventful and dull, but highly pleasant. Yang and Ruby stayed for dinner, the latter mentioning that Uncle Qrow had only been planning to open some cans of tuna for them that night - which made Kali turn her offer into an outright command that she not leave only to head toward such a disappointing fate. Blake turned up halfway through and wolfed down some food, making some excuses not to hang around with them more and heading up to bed.

When Weiss tried to ask what that was about later, she only whispered that she wanted to be left alone. She almost felt like pressing the point - since they had been making such great progress lately. But Blake insisted that nothing was wrong, she just wasn’t up to speaking a great deal. Nothing more to be done from that point onward.

The next day, Weiss strongarmed Yang into getting together with Pyrrha so they could all study again. The redhead was one of the most patient teachers she had ever known - and she wasn’t even an actual teacher - but even she seemed to find Yang’s inability to grasp certain concepts a bit taxing from time to time. However, through dogged determination and their combined efforts, they all managed to help prepare Yang for the upcoming test.

Not that Yang’s frequent bribes of kisses helped. Weiss only succeeded in fighting her off most of the time, and no amount of throat-clearing from Pyrrha seemed to put her off it. At least she seemed to be moderately less queasy about things like that now.

Which Weiss asked her about a bit later, when they were taking a break.

“Am I what?!”

“Are you interested in Cinder?” she asked again, voice steady and bald of any deception. “Honestly.”

Clearing her throat, Pyrrha smoothed her hand over her hair as they fished the bottle of milk from the refrigerator. Mrs. Nikos had made a fresh batch of cookies that would go nicely with that. “You’re wrong, Weiss. I… know how it looked, but I don’t have those sorts of feelings for women.”

“Then why do you look so nervous when I ask about it?”

“Because I- I’ve never been accused of liking someone!” she burst out anxiously. “Cinder’s affections feel so strange, I- my stomach twists into knots when she touches me, but not in the good way you’re implying. Not the way it does when I see Jaune smile in class. It’s more like I feel… afraid.”

“Alright, alright,” Weiss tried to reassure her, a hand raised as the other held the glass steady for Pyrrha to pour. “I didn’t mean to pry. Honest! But you know how it looked at the hospit-”

“Yes! Yes, I… I know. But surely you understand that I only wanted to… to make Cinder feel less wrong, less… oh…”

“Sad?”

Pyrrha nodded, setting the bottle back in the ice box. “Sad. I’m sure you felt the same way I did. It simply isn’t right for a woman so full of confidence to be so broken. Don’t you agree?”

“I do. Seriously… that isn’t the part I’m wondering about. I knew why you did it. But once it was happening, and you were sitting next to her on the bed…”

“Yes.” Her wide eyes turned to Weiss. “What about it?”

“Then… you looked as if you were enjoying yourself. You just wished you weren’t.” Their gaze met, both of them uncertain. “Were you?”

The room fell silent for a few seconds. Pyrrha looked down into her glass of milk but didn’t respond, didn’t elaborate. Now Weiss felt awful for having brought it up at all. She was honestly hoping that a little gentle nudging might help Pyrrha come clean, or at least settle any fears the two of them might have been wondering about. Instead, it just seemed to awaken them afresh.

“Pyrrha, I’m really sorry if-”

“Hey, what’s taking you two cats so long?” The instant Yang stumbled into the room, she sensed the bleak atmosphere in the room and flinched back. “Whoa… why do I feel like I goofed in coming down here?”

Pyrrha favoured her with a practiced smile. “It’s nothing. Just getting distracted; I’m sorry. Here, take your glass; we… we won’t have to carry so much this way.”

She took it, shooting a confused look at her girlfriend - who had no great idea of how to respond exactly. She wanted to make amends for pushing too much. Even now, she still wanted to know if Pyrrha really didn’t like Cinder in a way beyond friendship, or if she was merely afraid of enjoying those frequent advances and wanted to cover those feelings so completely that they would cease to exist for all intents and purposes. If so… lying to herself was only going to hurt her in the long run.

But most of that was speculation. And Weiss cared more about supporting her friend than digging for the truth. She just wasn’t sure how best to go about supporting her in this situation anymore.

------------------------------------------

Monday morning brought school, and even more confusion about everything. Blake had been quite sullen and distant again the night before, but that morning she was all sunshine and rainbows, telling Weiss she looked nice and that she hoped they would all have a nice day in class. Pyrrha also acted like nothing had happened between them the night before, just plastering on her patented “politician smile” and greeting everyone cheerfully. In contrast, the normally-chipper Ruby was walking around in a cloud of uncertainty, acting jumpy - as if someone would spring out from inside of a locker and demand to know her true feelings about Penny.

Life was kooky.

The only thing that did make sense was Yang being in a fantastic mood. Their skinny dipping session had seemed to ease a lot of her anxieties and sorrows about other situations - such as her mom, and the fate of the Dragons overall. She locked arms with Weiss often and they chatted about fun, light topics. It was just what they needed.

Unfortunately, Ruby didn’t make good on any of her plans that day. Weiss asked what they were but Yang remained tight-lipped; she said it would be much more fun as a surprise when it went into effect. But it seemed they weren’t going to get that surprise today.

They were going to get another.

“Hey, kiddo,” Qrow called out as he strode over from the parking lot, his white-and-grey suit standing out like a sore thumb on the campus full of boys in sweater-vests and tweed sportcoats, polo shirts and lightweight jackets. The wave was casual. Yang tensed, but Weiss tried to remain calm; she wanted to see how this might go.

“Hey, Uncle!” Ruby piped up, grabbing him up in a hug. “What’s up? Am I not catching the bus?”

“Not today. Gotta head over to a neighbouring town for a run. Need my copilot.”

Her smile only widened at the prospect. This girl really did seem to love living with him as much as Weiss loved having her own mother back in her life. “YAY! Road trip, road trip!”

“Pipe down,” he rumbled in his gravelly voice, tousling her hair. The girl only giggled. Then he glanced over at Yang, face becoming somehow yet more passive than the already-nonchalant expression of before. “Yang.”

“Qrow.”

“I don’t believe we’ve been introduced,” Weiss shoehorned herself in, reaching out a hand. Hopefully, it might diffuse the tension. “Weiss Schnee.”

“Yeah. I know. Schnees have been runnin’ this town for years.” She drew back the hand an instant later. He hadn’t even glanced at it.

“Hey, lay off my girlfriend,” Yang warned him.

“Ooooh,” he breathed with both hands raised in false fear. “I’m shakin’. And shocked ya turned out just like your mom.”

Yang’s face darkened with anger. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Chasin’ skirts instead of chasin’ fellas. It’s…” He paused to choose his words carefully. “...a crazy coincidence, don’t ya think?”

“Mom doesn’t chase anybody. You know that. She doesn’t even go out anymore, she’s always working…” Her lips shut and she turned to march away, then thought better of it - but only enough to force herself to stand there with her back to Qrow and Ruby, arms folded over her chest and entire frame seething with barely-restrained rage.

“Sure, kiddo, sure. Been a while since I even talked to her.”

“That’s your fault. You picked your side, and you… you picked wrong.”

“Yang,” Ruby whispered, but Yang sighed in annoyance and she fell silent immediately.

“Really believe that, don’t ya?” he asked with a slight edge of biting humour. “Little spitfire. Too much of your mom, too much of your dad. Or maybe just enough.”

Folding her arms tighter, the Dragon grunted, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothin’. C’mon, Ruby.” But just as they began to stride away, Weiss hurried to circle around behind them, blocking their path. “Excuse us.”

“No.”

“Wanna try that again?”

“I said, ‘no’!” She stamped her foot as she went on, “You and Yang are going to talk, and if I have to… to kick you in the shins until you stay, I will! Don’t think I won’t!

Looking distinctly unimpressed, the man grunted, “Yang, do you wanna tug on your little girl’s leash here?”

However, Yang sighed in defeat, rubbing at one side of her face. “No… trust me, it’s not gonna make any difference. She gets something in her head and there’s no stopping her; we might as well accept it. What do you want us to do, Weiss?”

“Talk. Now. Is that really so crazy of me to ask? Really talk, don’t just say a bunch of mean things.” When nobody answered, she rolled her eyes and turned back to Qrow. “Let’s start with this: what did you mean by ‘just enough’ of her parents? I think you were going to say something nice.”

“You think all you want.” But of course she still wasn't moving. He rolled his eyes and said, “Fine, fine. I was gonna say… this is stupid.”

“No argument here,” Yang said with no hesitation. But before Weiss could protest, Qrow was actually answering – and it was a genuine answer.

“You got your mom's spunk. And that fierce loyalty that almost nobody really sees. She could have dumped you out in the streets, but even though she's about the worst candidate for a mother I've ever seen-”

“Forget this! I don't need to hear you talking about her like-”

“Wait, wait,” Ruby spoke up, finally seeming to catch on. She and Weiss shared a little smile. “I think… you should let him finish.”

Qrow looked a little ruffled by all the attention, but was trying to hide it behind a veneer of disinterest. “Like I said, she’s no prize as a mom. And she knew it. Always knew it; that’s why she gave you up in the first place. But after you two lost Summer… she took you in anyway. Takes a lot of guts to do something you don’t think you're any good at for somebody else because you’re the only name in the hat - and she’s been doin’ it for years and years. Because she doesn’t turn her back on family unless they give her a good reason. Real loyalty.”

Yang’s mouth just barely uttered an “Oh.”

“And as for Tai… he was kind of a flake, still don't know why he twenty-three skidooed on us. But he had a lotta love in his heart for his friends, family. Strong and didn’t know the meaning of ‘fear’. And, uh… I think you got a lot of both of ‘em. That’s all.”

“O-oh,” she breathed again, and this time Weiss noticed her eyes were watering. But she turned away, arms tightly folded over her chest. “Fine.”

“Yang,” Weiss insisted very quietly. But Yang didn’t budge. So she turned to Qrow and nodded at him. “Thank you for saying that.”

One hand waved it off while the other fell to his almost-niece’s shoulder. “Eh. C’mon, Ruby, we’re burnin’ daylight.”

“Okay,” she said quietly, favouring Weiss with an uncertain little smile. “See you later, okay?”

“Yeah. See you, Ruby.” Once they were out of earshot, Weiss stomped over to Yang and seethed at her back for a few seconds. “You could have at least said ‘thank you’ instead of ‘fine’.”

“Wh-why should I thank him? He just… still didn’t… what a big clod.”

Her arms wrapped around Yang’s waist, hugging her from behind as she shivered with unshed tears. “I know, I know. What a meanie, telling you that you’re loyal, and brave, and you have a big heart. How dare he!”

By that point, Yang was truly sobbing, and she turned to hold her girlfriend as close as she could, needing the creature comfort. Weiss did her best not to let her shock at this release show; just held her, petting over her back and hair and giving her the chance to have all those feelings. They stayed like that until Blake happened along and asked what the matter was, to which Yang completely sidestepped before rushing off to get home.

“That girl is just weird,” Blake remarked with a small shake of her head. “Mondo strange-o.”

“Yeah. So, um… do you think maybe her mom would let you come over now? Because it still seems like she’s being stubborn about houseguests. I think that stinks.”

Her shoulders raised up and down within her leather jacket, staring off after the blonde driving away on her motorcycle. Wistful but resigned. “Nah.”

“No?”

“Probably not. But I see her enough in school. And when the Dragons hang around, too, I guess.” When she saw Weiss squirm, she sighed and rolled her eyes. “You can stop now. I’m not a charity case, and I’m… okay with how things turned out. So enough with the babysitting. I’m fine, Weiss.”

She bit her lip for a second, indecisive. Then she finally hugged her around the middle. “I’m glad. Because I’m a Dragon now, too, remember? If you’re in pain, then I’m-”

“I get it,” she laughed weakly. “Let’s go home, you weird hug-monster.”

When they got there, they saw a few more bikes parked in the drive than were normal. And Weiss was just beginning to get familiar enough with her fellow gangsters to tell which bike was whose.

“Salem? And Vernal, and… and that is Cinder’s bike, I think, but she’s not even out of the hospital yet!”

Blake shrugged as she left her helmet on the handlebars. “We really need to get that new Shopkeeper’s set up. Somewhere.”

As she could have expected, Salem was seated in the living room with Kali and Sienna, discussing things in hushed voices. Weiss noticed her own mother was conspicuously absent; that would have worried her, but Kali looked far too calm for it to mean anything dire. Probably had her hidden upstairs.

“Ah, there are a few of our babies,” Kali said with a half-smile. “Good day at school?”

“High Dragon,” Weiss said with a slight bow in her direction. Salem barely tilted her head downward in recognition. “Where’s Cinder?”

Almost as if summoned, Cinder appeared from the dining room with a glass of iced tea. She was still heavily bandaged, and leaning on Emerald for support, but she looked a little more hale and hearty than she had the last time they saw her. Flirting with two women at once had done wonders for her complexion.

“Schnee,” she rasped with a slight smile, which Weiss returned.

“Fall.”

“Belladonna,” Blake grunted in mild annoyance at being ignored. Cinder smirked. “Now, what’s this all about? I didn’t know we were having a pow-wow. We would have told Yang.”

Salem waved a hand of dismissal. “This is not an official meeting, Blake. We’re discussing how to proceed.”

“He’s got a little too many higher-ups backing him to rub him out now,” Kali warned her, sounding as if she had already made that point before but was trying to rearrange her words so that they would be more convincing. Weiss’s gaze sharpened on the older women. “There’s no way it wouldn’t lead back to us - even if we asked the boys to do it instead.”

“Agreed. However, we may not have much choice; if we languish here while our enemy amasses yet more power, we may find the option vanishes from under our noses. He’ll be out of reach soon.”

Cinder spoke up, surprising them all. “Make it quick. Hell, I’ll do it - sweet revenge.”

“Wait, wait,” Weiss interrupted before Kali could speak again. “What is it we’re talking about? Who needs to be… you know.” She had a suspicion, but wanted to confirm.

Salem blinked at her a few times before she answered. “You haven’t heard? Our timetable has been… truncated.”

“I haven’t. I mean, apparently.”

For a moment, no one answered. Then Kali stood and crossed to her small television set, turning the dial to get it warming up. Within several seconds, they were staring at a black-and-white image of a newscaster with a handful of papers, gazing into the camera and trying to be serious without being dour, square jaw outlined in strong relief above his suit.

“...within these past weeks, with the fire at the abandoned building as further proof of criminal activity. Mr. Schnee says that he hopes his term in office as mayor will usher in a new age of peace and prosperity for the city of Vale. Now here’s Lisa Lavender with the weather…”

#princess and the dragons #freezerburn fanfic #rwby fanfiction #rwbyremnants

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maiuoart · 5 years ago

Text

Massive DragaSwap Asks!

Heya, Folks! Got a massive information dump for the wonderful DragaSwaps!

@rofa1309 Ohboy! This is actually my favorite, because Azure actually sleeps hilariously and adorably!!

Azure sleeps like a literal egg; Meaning he curls up, arms under his head, hands cradling his skull slightly, while his wings completely cover and wrap around him while his tail’s magic goes out, leaving him with his boney tail nub!

Though it would be a hell of a lot easier if Azzie would just... Y’know, move his horns like his brother?? Like, keep them back or position them some DIFFERENT way?? He prefers to never move them, but that’s alright... He seriously loves curling up and being literally compacted. I wouldn’t be surprised if you had him in your home, you’re trying to look for him; And here you haven’t found him ALL DAY... But you open a closet door, and here you just see something that shouldn’t be there... Low and behold, it’s fucking Azzie sleeping like an egg in your closet xDDD

Abyss? He sleeps easily with his ability to move his horns. Normally ends up sleeping on the magical-substances, honestly! Doesn’t hurt him though, he’s so used to sleeping on them, on his hood, but it does shock him awake when he’s able to pinch his hood magic.

However if they really could; They could turn their magic off within their horns (And other spots containing their magic) but they only do this when regenerating from fights!

Oh, the brothers would be very cautious if it’s a new person their meeting! Actually, they have to be; They wouldn’t dare go near someone/thing/monster without fully understanding the situation at hand. So basically, that won’t happen... At least... With Azzie.

However, if you’ve already known them for a bit but not much or something to that affect;

Azure would be watching your moves and curious of what you may be staring at.

He’ll focus really hard on whatever spot you’re daydreaming at and trying to see if he finds the appeal of... What is that? A rock? Why? What’s so special about it? And he’ll literally get closer to you to try and view what you are; And if you jolt when he gets too close; He’ll probably be so focused on the spot himself he’ll either; -Not notice you jumping, with furrowed brows and trying so hard to figure out the meaning behind your staring at a thing -Or if you make a noise; He’ll accidentally hiss and jolt himself before asking you questions!

Abyss, well...

Truth be told, he’d keep staring at you. He’s the jokester, so he’ll begin to make small tail movements around your direction and keep playing around like that until he finally gets a reaction from you. Either his tail, flaring his hood a bit, ‘sssss’ing softly or the like; And when you jolt? He’s going to rightfully laugh and chuckle, make a few jokes where he can.

If it’s a first time meeting; He’ll stay hidden and keep a close watch on you. Though, he’s the more curious one, ironically; Had to be, after Azzies accident. If you’re, lets say... About to fall off a cliff or something; He might help ya out but without showing himself. If he somehow ends up doing so, however; He would be as tense as you. His hood would flare, his eyes would darken as his eyelights would turn to tiny slits, waiting for you to make a move first... If you showed that expression though, he would relax a bit and chuckle, then start telling you to watch where you step and quickly get you both back on the ways you were heading.

But, if you catch this boy in his Feeding Frenzy... Walking in on him while he’s Eating; Could literally be anything, but he would become more than aggressive. With his mind on the concept of Food only; you better turn right around as soon as you hear his rumbling and warning hiss he will no doubt do. He’s... Very feral when in this area. His Food, His Feeding; You better pray he has a full stomach so he doesn’t chase after you.

Lord only knows what the fuck he’d do if he managed to still be hungry!!

@inkswirl Both brothers would be... Well! Very enthralled with that!! After the whole jolting and semi freaking out because you had somehow came right up and asked them, anyways!

After the shock;

Azure would fluster a bit; Never had a picture taken at all or had someone wanting to look at him like they didn’t want him dead or something! Though he’d be super flattered, he would actually try and say he isn’t that interesting due to all the low self-esteem in his mind raging, perhaps trying to get you to draw his brother instead??? But all in all, if you were a bit more insistent, he would ask shyly if he could see it afterward.

Abyss wouldn’t care at all which way it would go; You might get a bit annoyed with the picture taking, though... Film is easy to convert, especially with Magic Waves he would give out and basically say he isn’t doing anything when you become frustrated at the camera for not being able to take ‘Good Pictures’ of the brothers... Even Azzie is disappointed, but Abyss wouldn’t care. No photo evidence. Yet, you sketching them? Yeah, he’d be all for it and sit and sun bathe, take a nap while you do your thing; Because it’ll be drawn, so theres no real danger in it.

@desithecubi They both are flattered and say you’re mighty adorable, too!! Thank you for the hugs~ ♥

Both of the guys would prefer night; But thats due to the fact they’re nocturnal! Though if they could, especially Azure, he’d try to become a day-bird... He HAS tried, but it’s failed so much... Doesn’t stop him though! He turned to half/half while Abyss is all for the night.

There are rare days though they’ll be up during the days; But that’s probably due to work or someone disturbed them! Or their minds won’t let them rest~

Yes! Both brothers have the ability to merge or camouflage with their backgrounds/surroundings! However, it takes a bit of time for it to completely cover them, so they have to be stealthy... It’s quick to disappear, though! It’s due to so much magic within that makes up their horns and everything, that it’s used to help them go basically invisible! It’s why their so rare for; No other Monster in their area can do this, making them the perfect candidates for being Protectors!

That’s actually two different terms of Hunter;

Azure's meaning is he literally Hunts for food and patrolling around. His brother is whats called a Watcher, where he stays in place.

Hunters for Humans is what I have called the Mages right now; They’re out to get any Monster they can; Whether it be for Magic, Dust, whatever treasure they can get their hands on, or even just for kicks. It’s literally like those people who have a lot of money and hunt Lions or other rare breeds of animals and some WILL kill for sport.

I have already answered this one, @blacklynx14!

Here ya go! ♥

Actually!! This is slightly flipped; Both the brothers are constantly out in the Forbidden Forest making rounds and making sure trespassers are taken cared of. Mainly with kindness, but they both aren’t scared to get forceful! The Monsters where never Underground and don’t plan to be; Though, ironically most would prefer it rather than being up in the open due to previous attacks way back when they could remember by Hunters. It would be hella-lot safer, that’s for sure! But ever since the Brothers were put as Protectors, everything has been... Good?? Better??? It’s seriously nice; Even though some may not be very welcoming to them :’)

Nah, the Royal Guards are deeper within the Forbidden Forest. What Azure and Abyss are? Their much higher than that, so they have no need for it! But, most of the RG’s are very jealous, because the two get to see from outside the Forest, basically!

But when the brothers get bored and feel no other living forces around? Well, Abyss is the Sunbather. But if he sleeps for far too long, Azure will actually come and push him or have a bottle of cold water to wake his brother up!

Azure likes to;

-Soar in the sky high above the trees, will even go into the Mountains for a while! He’s the explorer and enjoys to sight see. Sometimes, he’ll even travel as far as he can go before the beads on his outfit warn him to turn back. -If he’s able to find any small creatures; He ends up so side tracked playing with them, he doesn’t realize he’s been gone for hours! Especially little cougar cubs and baby bears... And he becomes great friends with a lot of the woodland and other creatures! At least they don’t judge him... -If it’s super late at night and there hasn’t been any humans wandering within their territory for a long while; He’ll actually go to the Village of a particular one to make sure the Humans are alright. There is a certain Human too he enjoys to hang out with, or... Did.

Abyss enjoys;

-To literally stay in one spot and laze about. And if he can easily catch critters that go in his path, he’ll eat them out of boredom. -He seriously loves pranking his brother, but he has a dark twist to it. Azzie is and has been sick of his humor though. -One of his favorites is to eat squirrels and chipmunks in front of Azzie and Azure’s actual reaction is getting Pissed The Fuck Off and Abyss loves it. (No, worry not; The Animals don’t suffer long. Abyss makes sure it’s quick.) -He... Will watch his stomach digest his food when he’s extremely bored. It’s like watching tv for him. -Go into their Village and talk with other Monsters and just try to have an enjoyable time. Sometimes it’s hard, but at least a few of them don’t mind what he is!

For the Ask they were talking about; Go here!

Ohhhh, you got some pretty cool hobbies, Rofa!! That water painting sounds super relaxing and ultra pretty ♥ But Hobbies for the boys, huh?... Well, lets see...

Azure is the one who ventures, so hiking is his main thing! But if not hiking, he really does enjoy to cook~ Feeding animals is also his ordeal, while learning from the humans of their medication things! He’s very curious how they heal!! Not to mention, want to heal animals, as well!

Abyss is the one who’s all about making clothing from furs and hides. You wouldn’t think he’d be the one to make clothing or anything, but he’s gotta do something productive so his brother doesn’t yell at him... He’s also the fire maker, a bit of a pyro, and enjoys to cook, too. Very big foodie, always looking how to get herbs or learning how to cook; But he’s also good with working and construction types. Building firepits to camps, he’s very much the builder despite not looking like it!

I have not really thought of them quite yet; So if people have ideas for them, I wouldn’t be opposed to hearing you out!!

And because it’s a Swap verse; Yes! My Grillby would be a Gillby, the Water Element!

Yes, actually!! A very good relationship; Abyss and Asgore get along very well together. It’s actually because Abyss shows interest more in the Monster heritage that Asgore is happy to have him in their area!

But, that brings up the question for Azure... Toriel is fine with both the boys; But Asgore might be very weary of Azzie due to his interest in the Humans and then how he got hurt. Still though, he watches out for both of the Brothers and makes sure their alright! He’s still a loveable Goatdad! Just questions Azzie’s place sometimes...

#DragaSwap #DragaSwaps #DragaSwap Asks #rofa1309 #inkswirl #desithecubi #blacklynx14 #Rofa; You're the one most in these and I appreciate all the deep questions you had!!!#Maiuo #MaiuoART #Goodlord so many questions but i LOVE IT #I didn't know whether to answer them seperately or not but #Eh #Oh well #Mai replies #SO MUCH

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haec-est-fides · 4 years ago

Text

Filodox’s Trials of Apollo Reactions [Part I]

Welcome to part one of a reflective journey through Trials of Apollo ft. my original ebook annotations! I’ll be your host, 2020!filodox.

For this first episode, we’ll be going back to May 2016, the beginning of it all: The Hidden Oracle.

Annotations for this round are brought to you by 2016!filodox.

Is there anything we should know before we begin, 2016!me?

2016!filodox: I swore on the Styx never to read another Riordan book after he killed Octavian. And yet here we are.

... Alright then! Let’s get started.

But first, a more detailed overview on how this series will work: I will excerpt bits and pieces of the books based on what I highlighted / annotated on my first read. Beneath each quote, I will share what I wrote in the annotation. Below that, I will (occasionally) laugh at my past self, clarify the note, or say how my view has changed.

I encourage questions, comments, and concerns (of which there may be many), so go ahead and use that replies feature if you feel so inclined! However, these are just my opinions and (occasionally) emotional reactions, so no hate pls. <3 (Or, if you do send hate, pls make it funny.)

Now, diving right in with Riordan’s dedication!

To The Muse Calliope. This is long overdue. Please don’t hurt me.

2016!filodox: Hurt him. He didn’t even name the chapters.

As you can see, I had yet to experience Lester’s haiku and was already mad based on the table of contents alone. I went into this series very salty...

I inflicted a plague on the Greeks who besieged Troy.

2016!filodox: At least he did something right. Once.

I was just,,,extremely ready to die on Octavian’s hill. (Though I was a huge Troy / Aeneas stan before all this, just to be clear.)

Is anything sadder than the sound of a god hitting a pile of garbage bags?

2016!filodox: I actually find this particular god crashing into a dumpster quite amusing.

I also blamed Apollo for what happened to Octavian. I think that had a lot to do with how Apollo acted on Delos in Heroes of Olympus, basically disowning Octavian and whining about how some “creature” scammed him? That was bullshit. Apollo needed to own the fact that he blessed Octavian, but he just abandoned him and denied all the blame. TL;DR I had a grudge, okay?

My mind stewed in confusion, but one memory floated to the surface -- the voice of my father, Zeus: YOUR FAULT. YOUR PUNISHMENT.

2016!filodox: Wait, is this bc everyone blames Octavian and therefore Apollo? Bc lol but also no?

*cough* Octavian did nothing wrong 2k16 *cough*

Zeus will reconsider, I told myself. He’s just trying to scare me. Any moment, he will yank me back to Olympus and let me off with a warning.

“Yes...” My voice sounded hollow and desperate. “Yes, that’s it.”

2016!filodox: Apollo is a self centered frat boy, I forgot...but it is slightly...endearing? *narrows eyes*

Ah, how close I was to stanning Lester in the first chapter, when he was at his most “goddy”. You know, I actually made a rule for myself when I started reading Trials of Apollo that I would not under any circumstances stan Apollo. That was a naive goal, because it was never really a danger.

Regardless, Zeus had held me responsible for Octavian’s delusions of grandeur. Zeus seemed to consider egotism a trait the boy had inherited from me. Which is ridiculous. I am much too self-aware to be egotistical.

2016!filodox: I am going to Murder him.

*chef kiss* the hypocrisy ! the lack of self-awareness !

“I just...I assumed -- I hoped this would be taken care of by now.”

“You mean by demigods,” Percy said, “going on a big quest to reclaim the Oracle of Delphi?”

2016!filodox: That sounds like a decent quest, or you know, QUESTING FOR THE SIBYLLINE BOOKS

I’ve always said I can see the future but an inch to the left. Also, I don’t like Ella.

It warmed my heart that my children had the right priorities: their skills, their images, their views on YouTube. Say what you will about gods being absentee parents; our children inherit many of our finest personality traits.

2016!filodox: AND HE’S MAD ABOUT OCTAVIAN?!

I mean ?

Apollo, when Austin and Kayla show ambition: THEY GOT THAT FROM ME <3

Apollo, when Octavian (or Nero, or Caligula) shows ambition: srry i don’t know him ??

He had a weak jawline, an overlarge nose, and a beard that wrapped around his double chin like a helmet strap. His hair was curly and dark like mine, except not as fashionably tousled or luxuriant. His lips curled as if he smelled something unpleasant. Perhaps it was the burning seats of the bus.

2016!filodox: Nero ???

Not quite sure how to feel looking back at this moment. Call out post @ myself for instantly recognizing Nero, when afaik this scene was before we had any hints that Roman emperors were even a plot point? But here’s the thing: I don’t remember why I could recognize him so easily. I don’t remember where 2016!me obtained this ancient Rome knowledge. A mystery.

On another note entirely, did Nero really like,,,astral project into Apollo’s fever dream to address him directly? Because Rhea does. And sometimes Python does. But Nero? Can he do that?

The man laughed as flames licked at his purple sleeves. “You’re not sorry yet, but you will be. Find me the gates. Lead me to the Oracle. I’ll enjoy burning it down!”

2016!filodox: I too enjoy burning things down. # Nero confirmed

My only comment here is “oh you sweet summer child,,,”

Oh. Perhaps some of you are wondering how I felt seeing [Will] with a boyfriend rather than a girlfriend.

2016!filodox: No, actually. I wasn’t wondering. I was plotting how to kill you, them, and quite a few other people. Do you think I could trade you for Octavian?

Oh man, back at it again with the salt. XD

I could only remember my conversations with Octavian, the way he’d turned my head with his flattery and promises. That stupid boy...it was his fault I was here.

A voice whispered in the back of my mind. This time I thought it might be my conscience: Who was the stupid boy? It wasn’t Octavian.

2016!filodox: I can’t really...explain my emotions upon reading this. I’m still not quite okay, but this...it’s bittersweet in a way. I don’t know if this is a poor attempt at a proper closure, the author’s way of beating a dead horse, or just a way to make Apollo seem pitiable. Whatever it is... Octavian was important enough to remain in Apollo’s mortal memory. He somehow made promises to a god and had Apollo wrapped around his finger. And despite being so much like Apollo, the god blames him. Like everyone blames him. But Apollo also realizes, accepts on an infinitesimal scale, that “it wasn’t Octavian”. He wasn’t perfect, but neither is Apollo. Apollo is (at least) subconsciously admitting his own guilt in the whole affair.

...yeah. I will note that this bit isn’t meant to develop Octavian, but rather uses Octavian as a prop to support Apollo’s development? Which is why it still stings. Like thanks, I guess.

“Your judgement in the past has been...questionable. I wonder if you have chosen the right tools for this job. Have you learned from your past mistakes?”

2016!filodox: Nero has made plenty of mistakes to learn from

Love how I just assumed it was Nero back in chapter 10 and went with it, zero hesitation. Also love how I heard Python say Nero has made mistakes and went “oh absolutely”. In fact, here’s something funny in retrospect that will become more and more apparent: I did not like Nero in 2016. Or, at least, I thought I didn’t. There’s something really odd going on here that baffles me, looking back...

“A triumvirate is a ruling council of three,” I said. “At least, that’s what it meant in ancient Rome.”

“Which is interesting,” Rachel said, “because of this next shot.” She tapped her screen. The new photo zoomed in on the building’s penthouse terrace, where three shadowy figures stood talking together....

2016!filodox: Is it bad that I’m smirking? Because it’s getting interesting ~ *clear malicious intent*

Wow, edgy. Triumvirates are just a neat, Roman thing and I stanned.

“The last triumvirate I dealt with included Lepidus, Marc Antony, and my son, the original Octavian. A triumvirate is a very Roman concept...like patriotism, skullduggery, and assassination.”

2016!filodox: THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL EVERYONE. MODERN OCTAVIAN IS A VERY GOOD ANCIENT ROMAN. POLITICS, ESPECIALLY SHADY AF POLITICS AND POWERPLAYS, ARE QUINTESSENTIALLY ROMAN. Also, I’d like to note that it’s confirmed, in this universe’s canon, that Augustus was a son of Apollo.

Ohhhh, wait. I think I’d watched the HBO series Rome by 2016, which would at least partially explain my ancient Rome knowledge. (Amazing tv show btw!)

“He heard them talking in Latin.”

“Latin? Were they campers?”

Pete spread his hands. “I--I don’t think so. Paulie described them like they were adults. He said one of them was the leader. The other two addressed him as imperator.”

2016!filodox: !!!! (obligatory 💕)

I was such a simp for Latin in high school. And the Roman Empire. Still am, but hey.

“The Beast is planning some kind of attack on your camp. I don’t know what it is, but it’s going to be big.”

2016!filodox: Runs in the family I guess

The Octavian / Triumvirate parallels are everywhere... 👀

“The emperors made themselves gods. They had their own temples and altars. They encouraged the people to worship them.”

2016!filodox: # deify me

*smacking my past self with a stick* You stop that! Edgy child!

Anyway, a much better point here is like,,,the Imperial cult was huge in the ancient Roman world. Looking at Apollo’s explanation here, why did only the “worst” three emperors get to be immortal? Did famously “good” emperors like Augustus and Marcus Aurelius have the option of becoming minor gods, but they chose Elysium or something? Are there slightly less infamous emperors just hanging around anywhere as minor gods? A lot of Roman emperors live on in human memory is all I’m saying.

“Wait!” Will said as I reached the door. “Who is the Beast? Which emperor are we dealing with?”

“The worst of my descendants.” My fingers dug into the doorframe. “The Christians called him the Beast because he burned them alive. Our enemy is Emperor Nero.”

2016!filodox: I honestly can’t believe it took this long to reveal this? Was anyone surprised?

Nero’s reveal is rather late in the book compared to Commodus, Caligula, and even Tarquin iirc? But it makes sense, being the first book of the series. Also love how 16-year-old me was like “this reveal is silly because everyone, like me, recognizes Nero on sight” and didn’t question that assumption at all.

“Germani.” Instinctively, I moved in front of Meg. The elite imperial bodyguards had been cold-blooded death reapers in ancient Rome. I doubted they’d gotten any sweeter over the centuries.

2016!filodox: BITCH. See? This is why I love Rome. They knew what they were doing.

Ngl, as someone of Germanic heritage, I felt really represented by the Germani, which is hilarious on so many levels.

He tried to compensate for his ugliness with an expensive Italian suit of purple wool, his gray shirt open to display gold chains. His shoes were hand-tooled leather, not the sort of thing to wear while stomping around in an ant pile. Then again, Nero had always had expensive, impractical tastes.

2016!filodox: I don’t exactly like Nero, and actually think he was quite the shitty emperor, but I guess I mildly respect and “like” him on principle (in this book at least).

OH YOU SWEET SUMMER CHILD. I was so convinced that I didn’t actually like Nero, despite all of the lowkey evidence to the contrary? Who hurt you, past me? (Lmao, it was Tacitus, Suetonius, and Cassius Dio.) My working theory is that I was too much of an Emperor Augustus stan at the time to admit liking Nero. It’s hysterical. Look at me equivocating like a champ.

I’d been so proud of my son, the original Octavian, later Caesar Augustus. After his death, his descendants became increasingly arrogant and unstable (which I blamed on their mortal DNA; they certainly didn’t get those qualities from me).

2016!filodox: I’m glad Apollo and I can agree on something. Augustus was amazing and those who came after him...significantly less so.

See! The propaganda really got to me, what can I say?

Nero clasped his hands as if in prayer. “Oh, my. It seems we’ve had a slight miscommunication. You see, Apollo, Meg brought you here, just as I asked her to. Well done, my sweet.”

2016!filodox: This was obvious but I still find it...gods, the only word I can think of is “delicious”

. . .

“The Beast killed my father. This is Nero. He’s -- he’s my stepfather.”

I could not fully grasp this before Nero spread his arms.

“That’s right, my darling,” he said. “And you’ve done a wonderful job. Come to Papa.”

2016!filodox: Okay, but we should have known this since it became apparent her weapons were Roman. Also, oof. Also also, WHY did Riordan feel the need to add that last line? Why?

ASDFGHJKL: I CAN’T

“After the fire, we’ll rebuild,” he said. “It will be glorious!”

2016!filodox: The amount of times I have used this very logic is worrying.

For (some) context, Firelord Ozai is my favorite character from AtLA. <3

The scene might have been funny except that the Germani were now back on their feet, five demigods and a geyser spirit were still tied to highly flammable posts, and Nero still had a box of matches.

2016!filodox: Oh, I find this plenty amusing!

The emperor stared at his empty hand. “Meg...?” His voice was as cold as an icicle.

2016!filodox: The various ways his tone / voice have been described throughout this conversation are just 💕

*looks at camera like I’m on The Office*

Seriously, though. Nero’s voice is like the central descriptive element of his character because he’s so manipulative. It’s really cool and a great use of detail.

[Meg] turned to Nero. “You told me never to lower myself to my enemies’ level.”

“No, indeed.” Nero’s tone had frayed like a weathered rope. “We are better. We are stronger. We will build a glorious new world. But these nonsense-spewing trees stand in our way, Meg. Like any invasive weeds, they must be burned. And the only way to do that is with a true conflagration -- flames stoked by blood.”

2016!filodox: Real 👏🏻 Gods 👏🏻 Require 👏🏻 Blood👏🏻

I was way too enthusiastic about this whole situation, wasn’t I?

Nero grinned. “Good-bye, Apollo. Only eleven more Olympians to go.”

2016!filodox: Wait, shit, WHAT

Having read Tower of Nero, this probably had something to do with Python interfering with the Fates, huh? But does that mean it’s more Python’s plan or Nero’s? If this was Nero’s plan (with his 12 kids literally replacing the Olympians) that’s,,,really fucking bold.

Then I heard the screaming from Camp Half-Blood.

2016!filodox: Music to my ears ~

I’m presenting every edgy detail of my annotations so I have a proper case file when I inevitably have to face the question “On a scale of one to ten, how relatable is Emperor Nero and why should you have realized it’s a ten sooner?”

In a flash of silver light, the camp’s magical barriers collapsed. The Colossus lurched forward and brought his foot down on the dining pavilion, smashing it to rubble like so many children’s blocks.

2016!filodox: Payback! Dear gods, I can’t stop smiling! I’m just like “YES!” I know this will all probably get fixed or whatever but I’M HAVING A MOMENT.

I’ve learned to appreciate the small wins. <3

Percy grabbed one of the crown’s sunray spikes. He sliced it off at the base, then jabbed it into the Colossus’ forehead.

2016!filodox: As much as Nero is FAR from my favorite, I really don’t like defacing ancient (or replicas of ancient) statues and art...

This is where I just start laughing at myself tbh. I was so insistent on not liking Nero. Like, I sound like I’m in denial. Peak equivocation. What happened to that heart emoji a few chapters back? Why did I suddenly make it about *checks notes* ancient art? Updated translation: nooo don’t ruin the Colossus Neronis it’s so sexy aha

Just as the [arrow] reached its apex and was about to fall back to earth, a gust of wind caught it...perhaps Zephyros looking kindly on my pitiful attempt. The arrow sailed into the Colossus’ ear canal and rattled in his head with a clink, clink, clink like a pachinko machine.

2016!filodox: HOW MANY EX MACHINAS IS THIS ?! The dryads, the arrow, Percy, the enchantment, and THIS ?

One of my criticisms of Trials of Apollo in general is just that the stakes are so much higher and Riordan usually solves that problem by having his heroes win on long odds. The chances of them succeeding at like,,,anything they attempt are astronomical, but of course they manage. It’s not surprising but it does get a little tiring.

“Yo, Nico,” Leo called, “please tell me that’s it for the physical abuse.”

“For now.” Nico smiled. “We’re still trying to get in touch with the West Coast. You’ll have a few dozen people out there who will definitely want to hit you.”

2016!filodox: Oh I’d love to hit him. With the flaming, Imperial gold payload of an onager. Preferably WITHOUT the Pontifex Maximus attached to it -- unless of course you mean the false pontifex, Jason Grace.

Leo was the salt in the wound for this one, ngl. He rekindled my undying ire over Octavian’s death. As I said at the beginning of this, I was extremely ready to die on Octavian’s hill after Heroes of Olympus. That sentiment sticks around for a while...

And we can call that a wrap!

Though it may seem like it, my annotations are not, in fact, a compilation of Nero’s greatest hits. There are a lot of scenes of his that I love (naturally) but I didn’t have anything to say about them when I first read the series. Maybe I’ll share those another time.

In any case, I hope you got something out of this ridiculously long post! Until next time! <3

#trials of apollo #toa #filodox!#I don't know what any of you were expecting but this is what I've got #no these are not all of my annotations #I tried to pick the best ones #oh also #I'm sorry to everyone with hard copies of the books #since I have ebooks it's no problem to search for quotes and page numbers are imaginary #if you want me to put chapters with the quotes I can

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levyfiles · 5 years ago

Note

helloooo!!!! since you are my fave blog about shyan content, i must ask: what are your favorite fics???

AHhh! I–OK well, Lately I’ve been finding more and more fics that fill my heart right up with every gorgeous headcanon there is, but If we’re talking all-time favourites, I have finally compiled a List from the moment I started reading shyan fic in 2018 of fics that have ruined my life; all of them here in no particular order.

Be All My Sins Remembered by spoopyy

Summary: In every lifetime, they find each other.

Review: This fic manages to take you on a long journey through what feels like a series of AUs and they all weave in and out of the wealth of their relationship with some vivid descriptions of the historical settings their journey takes them through. As someone who grew up reading Anne Rice’s epics through historical events, this fic is right up my alley. A vampire Shane passing through the wave of human society’s climb searching for a reincarnated Ryan again and again, trying to hold on to him and keep him through great tragedies and timeframes that just don’t let them be together. This was one of the first fics I read when I was only a lurker and to be quite honest, I need to give this one a nice re-read, maybe for the book club which would be loads of fun. Either way, 10/10. Would be Hurt in the heart again.

Perfect Fit by @beaniegara

Summary: There’s a legend that says anyone able to take all of statue Shane’s cock will summon the god to the mortal realm. Given the statue’s excessive size, no one has ever succeeded to prove or disprove the story.Until Ryan that is.

Review: Listen. You wanna talk actual fandom legends. This fic is one of them and it pulls out all the stops on being delicious and evocative. Also features one of my favourite incarnations of size queen bergara. Good stuff and you’re really rooting for Ryan in this lol.

Everything’s Weird and We’re Always in Danger by the beethechange

Summary: Ryan perches on the edge of the bed, an indistinct shape that Shane can only just make out in the dark, so he turns the lamp back on. He wants to see Ryan’s face, wants to know that he is alright. Ryan’s cheeks are damp, his hands fisted in the hideous flowered duvet.

“It won’t go away,” Ryan says miserably. “I’ve been like this since we got here, basically, and it won’t fucking—”

“Ah,” Shane says. “Well, you know, sometimes fear…adrenaline…they can affect people. Physically.” He waves his hands indistinctly crotchward. “It’s a, a scientifically known phenomenon.” Shane feels a little better staying in the realm of scientifically known phenomena.

Review: Word of advice. You see a fic is authored by beethechange, run don’t walk because you’re absolutely always going to be treated to the best of banter, the best of prose, chemistry, organic execution and feels right up the bottom end of your heart. This fic, this changed everything I thought I knew I wanted out of a bed-sharing fic. It’s got a little bit of two treats here. You got a sex-pollen-esque situation mixed with bed-sharing and holy fucking damn that is more than you think you deserve, but read this because you do deserve the best of the best. The build up, the dialogue, the surprisingly hilarity of it, the hotness woah, and The Aftermath. When you think you know what you’re in for, you’re wrong and you’re most pleasantly surprised. Get this fic in your life and honestly? while you’re at it, you could do a clean sweep of every fic in her list of works and while my less than adequate reading time management may still be short on some of her most well-recommended pieces, I have an adamant faith that Bee doesn’t disappoint. Go get y’all juice.

Maelstrom by thewindupbird

Summary: Here’s the thing about driving halfway across the country to see someone. You can’t really deny, after that, that you’re pretty much head over heels for them.

Review: Listen. One morning on a day off, I just laid in bed and read this– all 40k+ words– while lying there clutching my pillows, hurting and loving every moment of it. The descriptions of Americana, the slow steady metronome rhythm of Ryan’s feelings as frightened and helpless as they feel when you’re relating deeply to them juxtaposed with the deep-seated struggle of understanding what it is to be with someone you love so much but your mental health is burning quiet holes in your ability to express it in a way that can be understand. Ryan’s fierce determination, breaking through the silence of their non communication is really Everything to me in this fic. i think I really left my heart in the scene in Shane’s parents kitchen. That finished me. Read this fic and understand the deep relief you get when you’ve finished a fight with someone you fiercely care about and they understand you and you understand them and it’s OK; it’s gonna be all right. Augh.

A Burial on Box Hill by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: The Celtics believed that the yew flower symbolized both immortality and death. Meanwhile, for centuries, the buxus flower was seen as a symbol for safe passage into the afterlife.

Or,Shane and Ryan were never the same after investigating the Black Forest of Germany alone.

Review: Let me just quote my bookmark comment here. Usually I flee from tragedy like a cat spotting a cucumber but the brevity and the prose dragged me in and now I’m a functioning mess. Bless this fic. Oh my god it’s short and reads like one of those quick horror stories you’ll read to your friends just as the scary stories are transitioning from the urban legends to the ones that feel real. Big warning for main character death but still read it if you appreciate a good story told.

Body Farming by shiphitsthefan

Summary: Failed suppressants and a surprise heat: the worst of cliches, and here Ryan stands, living the trope on location with the alpha he’s hopelessly in love with. Even worse, they’re spending the night in the famous Bell Witch Cave, completely alone and with no way to contact the outside world.

Ryan knows he can survive and keep his preheat a secret, as long as Shane will stop being so protective and concerned. After all, it’s not like Shane wants to bond with him.

Right?

Review: Now judging from the reactions of many people I’ve spoken to, big heavy ABO kink is not popular here but guys, GUYS. This one. Let this one in I promise it is not what you think it is. The dynamic is organic and the worst side of the trope is subverted in all the best ways and lord help us, the smut is hot, like swelteringly smoking. It’ll stay with you.

Believer by cellard00rs

Summary: Some demons and otherworldly creatures love climbing up the power ladder. Shane is not one of these. He likes where he is (thank you very much) and has no interest in moving up. All he wants is to give his friend Ryan a nice birthday gift. So, naturally, everything goes to hell.

Review: This fic is another fandom legend. When I think demon!Shane. It’s this and one other one that always pops right into my mind. This was my first exposure to the bureaucracy meets the supernatural!Shane trope and I was sold from the get-go. The Shane in this fic is everything I imagine a demon!Shane is and his ginger care for Ryan, the concept of their bond and how even though Shane is a demon and responsible for keeping the supernatural a firm secret from Ryan and the rest of the world, his skepticism is relayed through his status as a demon. I want to talk more about it but I think so much of the enjoyment comes from the surprises as the plot unfurls.

Heartbeat by quackers

Summary: So the guy Ryan sits next to at work is a vampire. That’s no big deal, right?

Review: I could talk your literal ear off about this fic. Vampires, man. I love the trope; you don’t know me as a person if you don’t know this at least. And this fic kept me fed all damn year. It was a readable garden. If there is one thing I can guarantee about quackers’ work, it’s that their world-building is a festival of detail. The realms and alternate universes they work with while still managing to keep Shane and Ryan’s voices so familiar and real is a talent not attributed to your everyday author. This fic propelled me into wanting to write more and more because quackers makes stories so much fun! Reading their work is, to me, not unlike the feeling I got when I was younger and finding series that speak to my need to escape this crummy existence, made me want to believe in fun spicy things like a vampire that lived through centuries, cynical but still searching, navigating a world where people are still people, adjusting to differences and prejudices, finding comfort in a guy that understands that and more. I’ve talked about this fic in more than a few different posts so I’d just be reiterating a lot of things I loved about the more historical aspects of Shane’s journey, the way Ryan is so firmly curious and inventive in ways to connect with Shane. Look, even if vampires aren’t your thing, I can promise that if you visit quackers list of work, you will find something for your supernatural-lovin’ palate that speaks to a gentler side of your own curiosity about monsters and the jocks that love them. lol.

I’ll Crawl Home by carrieonfighting

Summary: “Shane was almost unnerved by how quickly he’d settled into this body, this name, this life - his friendship with Ryan was the most time he’d spent with any human before, and yet the man fascinated him.”

Review: This is the second fic I think of when someone says the words ‘demon!Shane’ to me because ohhhh my word, this fic is a masterpiece. I really am hard pressed to find anything better than the feeling I get when I think of demon!Shane headcanons interwoven with the irl Buzzfeed reality and the idea of the Ryan as we know him being protected and watched and loved so deeply by a demon that found him so long ago and wanted nothing but to protect him. I feel an almost vicious glee reliving that moment when Ryan and Shane are on goatman’s bridge and man, I just really love canonical fic mixed with a slight twist. The writing in this makes it work so well with lines that still haunt my heart and soul like “Ryan liked popcorn. So did the demon. Genuinely, not just out of a desire to please the human – he liked the way it crunched between his vessel’s teeth. There were some aspects of taking a corporeal form that were…nice; laughing, coffee, feeling warm. Ryan made him laugh.” FUCK! The beautiful agony of it, watching the demon fall in love with Ryan through the eyes of his vessel. Just stark with pain and unspoken, well-written angst and pain with a perfect ending, I wouldn’t change for anything. I love this for us as a fandom and will always love that author crafted this piece and shared it with us. (Also every time I hear Work Song by Hozier, I think of this fic again and sigh).

Like I said at the beginning, thanks to @skepticbeliever-bookclub I’ve been discovering and re-discovering some fics I hadn’t had the chance to read and or have never even heard of before and my bookmarks list is growing with each new week. So if you get through this list and need more in your life, here you go. Every fic in my bookmarks deserves the community’s attention. If I can just make one special request of you guys? If you do happen to click any of these and enjoy what you read, please take the time and tell the author what you loved about it. It really changes the game out here for fanworks and fan-creators like you wouldn’t even believe and the people who shared these works with us worked hard to make the stories what they are and put a great deal of emotional investment in sharing it. Share more than your silence in return.

Hope you find something you like here, nonnybabe..

#shyan fic #shyan #skeptic believer #recs #love tag #Anonybae

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inknose · 5 years ago

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mdzs read diary part IV, the end

It’s inspiring how much self care wwx is gonna finally get now that his husband will go along with whatever he does, so he’s gotta look out for lwj’s well being if not his own. that is emphatically the STUFF

dragging my hands down I face as I read this, after all these chapters of getting up close and personal with ghouls bleeding from every orifice, slaying ancient beasts, rebelling against the entire cultivation world, the two of them are absolutely paralyzed by middle school crush sleepover math

chicken

he actually drew kissy doodles .... he....

IDK I THINK I JUST DOCUMENTED THIS PART CUZ I WAS STILL SCREAMING you cant expect me to have very useful things to say at this point

this is torture you are both so mushy you are so GONE

This part really stood out to me, it’s an attitude I feel like wwx implies with his inner narration a few times but most clearly says here: he’s not one for allowing himself to exaggerate how bad his circumstances are/could be even a little bit - he’s already lived through some extreme low points and found a way to keep going, so he never makes sweeping statements about what he couldn’t live without (Inner JingYi: you’re supposed to say you’d be lost without him here!!!) Instead he seems to accept as a given that being alive doesn’t guarantee him any pleasantness or joy at all, and as a result his feelings toward being in TRUE LOVE are surprisingly pragmatic, but also colored with such gratitude. There are a lot of things in the novel that struck me, like this, as being just a little to the left of familiar tropes/sentiments, and were more touching for it. Whether it be the influence of culture difference as opposed to what I’m used to reading in most western romance stories, or MXTX’s unique outlook, or a combination of both, it was really refreshing and made me pause over it. Not “I can’t imagine living without you” but “I could be living without you, but instead I get to be with you and I think that’s the best thing that could happen.”

ADJFDKFJ THE UST BEING SO STRONG THAT EVEN THE VILLAIN COMMENTS ON IT IN THE MIDDLE OF EXECUTING HIS EVIL PLANS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT WILL NEVER FAIL TO MAKE ME LAUGH MY ASS OFF. hes like god damn! here I thought I had problems

it was at this moment that I realized we were doing this Now... I’m still recovering. What a scene. I am so glad I saw the most incredible fanart soon afterwards, bc the fact that someone has already drawn a perfect comic of this part means I don’t have to

I love you so much, you are so annoying, you are perfect... I like how he’s been experiencing openly requited love for all of ten minutes but he’s already figured out how to weaponize it to piss people off

doing!!! his!!! job!!!!!

ahh... it’s a really good story. JGY is a great character. One of the most interesting differences for me between drama watching vs. novel reading experience is that without an actor to bat his vulnerable doe eyes at you and smile faintly with his cute dimples, the book does not go much out of its way to try to lull the reader into a false sense of security around him or *endear* him to you the way the show does. But just by seeing events through wei wuxian’s POV, its still enough to evoke pity or understanding towards him. The overall impression is a bit more detached though, there’s less emphasis on the spectacle of how he could manipulate everyone closest to him and more of a general feeling of resigned tragedy that everyones the worst on this bitch of an earth.

I CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU FOR EVEN ONE MORE SECOND!!!!

I clearly paused to take note of less and less parts at the end & the extras due to: a) too excited to reach the end b) too spicy to photograph and c) too sleepy cuz I kept reading in the middle of the night. but I absolutely took the time for Bro We Are Teens appreciation corner:

I’d absolutely read 40 more extra chapters of their monster-of-the-week field trip antics.

god... poor Jin Ling now basically has to deal with divorced parents that talk shit about each other to him whenever he is saying with one of them. except they are both his uncles. just a disasterhood of all uncles from start to finish. AUUUGH wei wuxian and jiang cheng have fucked me up completely, I dream of them reconciling but I also REFUSE to believe it would ever be easy. let me know if theres a fanfic that absolutely tortures you for decades before they hug

HAHAHA oh no this man ain’t making it to immortality thats for damn sure. HE’S JUST GONNA TRY AS HARD AS HE CAN HIS WHOLE LIFE NOT TO LOOK AT HIM BUT THEYRE *MARRIED* SDLKFJSF ohhhh it’s too funny, like... the mundane domestic family drama IN the fantastical swords and sorcery setting is what really ratchets up these things from amusing to fucking hilarious I think

aaaa the end... final random thoughts? No not final, I would like to please keep discussing at length and exhaustively, all the time please - CQL has gotta be one of the best TV adaptations I’ve seen. ANY adaptation of anything would be lucky to be so good!! reading the novel has just made me appreciate it even more.

- I don’t think I can do justice to what I find most fascinating about comparing the two versions briefly, to do that I need to get drunk and ramble at my friends for hours but... the condensed version is something like this. Really all the significant differences between the two versions (besides the ones which can be attributed to censorship and therefore aren’t worth discussing) are a side effect of the structure of how the story is told - there’s barely anything changed arbitrarily. Aside from having a cold opening, the drama sticks to a very linear version of the story, and I think for a TV show or film, that’s probably the best way to do it. We see everything, we get shocked and tricked and betrayed and surprised along with the characters, we feel the biggest impact at the climactic scenes having experienced all the build-up. The novel on the other hand is not only much more non-linear in WHEN we learn bits and pieces of information, but that information is also obfuscated under wei wuxian’s multiple layers of Unreliable Narratoritis, which are as follows: 1) difficulty remembering things because of personality/avoiding painful memories/actual memory loss, 2) No Homo Goggles still on, and 3) a wry sense of humor that makes the reader unsure of how much they can trust his attitude toward things, especially near the beginning. The experience of reading is a puzzle the reader has to mentally piece together through all of the above listed camouflage, and the puzzle itself is a three-sided mystery: One - How Bad of a guy was Wei WuXian really, and how exactly did all the bad stuff in his life go down; Two - wangxian epic pride & prejudice gambits; Three - political murder mystery. (I love stories like this btw... though I fully admit I’m glad I watched first this time bc it might have taken me a long time to tackle otherwise.) Because of this, where the drama wants to pull you in and submerge you in all the most potent emotional parts, the novel in direct contrast deliberately side-steps around these things and asks that you hurt yourself by filling in the blanks. In fact the more intense emotions and painful memories involved, whether it be his relationship with jiang yanli, his DEATH, the darkest days of war times etc, the more the novel evasively withholds details. I actually really like both styles of storytelling but each one is obviously way better suited to its medium. ANYWAY.... THATS BASICALLY WHERE MY BRAINS AT WHILE IM READING GAY SWORD WIZARD BOOKS

- The extras are so saturated with domestic married bliss that it’s a good thing I stopped taking pictures because I’d just take a picture of every page. this is too much for me to take... I did jump the gun a few times and read a few fanfics while I was still mid-read of the book (I tried to hold out but alas I am mortal) and at one point after finishing I was like “wow what fic was it in where lwj says something cute and wwx kisses him in public but they’re in the corner of the restaurant so no one really sees... OH NO WAIT that was actually in there.” and ... and that’s the LEAST OF IT... *stares into the distance* theyre married wow

- I ofc couldn’t help but see a few vague blogs beforehand so honestly I was braced for something like, wildly ooc for the sake of porn to happen in the extras... I definitely appreciate how the incense burner porn interludes could be uhhh a lot for many people and not my personal cup of tea in terms of smut however [here follows the words of a poisonous frog who has dwelt her whole life in the rainforests of BL] the concept is also surprisingly SWEET SDFLKJF like wwx sees lan wangji’s darkest mixed-up violent teenage fantasies and he’s just like aww babe you had a crush on me!! just... good for them

- I swear I’m not gonna rehash every cute married thing they do but wei wuxian grading papers in the tub........................rEALLY GOT ME

- I want to Draw - ok thats enough if I keep going I’ll just write “wei wuxian grading papers in the tub” seven more times probably

#mdzs readthru #this obviously has many spoilers

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dualumina · 5 years ago

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Day 1: 3rd of August (Monday) Who are you? What’s your Zexal story?

Ohhhh… fine I’ll cave. I might lose followers for this, but whatever. Easy come, easy go, I guess. (checks count for future reference: 34 👀💦)

I don’t know what the general mentality of tumblr is concerning this subject but… sigh, here goes nothing. This is going to be a long post.

MENTAL HEALTH-RELATED TRIGGER WARNINGS AHEAD

I learned early on that my imagination was the safest place I could be in, and for a time, the only environment I had any semblance of control over.

As I hit my adolescence, I realized that the environment around me was worse than I’d initially feared. On my own, I knew I wouldn’t make it, so in the only place of safety I’d known all my life, I sought help. Wished for it, dearly. In any shape or form.

It took some time, but, help did come.

At first, I would dream of them. Always a boy around my age, always different in appearance, but every time, they were familiar to me. Their mannerisms, their personality. I didn’t know anyone in my waking life like this person; they were unique, despite having no appearance, or name, to call their own.

These dreams of the two of us together would consist of us doing incredible things, sometimes dangerous and exciting, other times calm and serene.

I looked forward to these dreams, considering the alternative was… the nightmares.

Always myself, alone, chased like someone’s prey, with no one to help. Constantly… struggling to stay afloat.

The dreams gave me life, and hope, while the nightmares would take those same things away. It was always a gamble when I closed my eyes, but, my curiosity to know more about the dream boy made me willing to place down my bets.

At some point, I started writing my own stories, putting my imagination into a physical form. I’d been drawing since as long as I could remember, but this was my first time putting a story to the drawings.

I soon realized that my stories contained interactions between characters, and while I could imagine the grandest mountains or the tiniest insects, my ability to imagine connections between others was lacking. My solution to the problem ended up being to treat the interactions between characters like actors rehearsing a scene together.

I would play one character, and… someone… played the other character.

It’s odd I never put much thought into this.

Years went by, many stories were written, many more never made it onto paper, but one thing was certain; I became very good at these “practice conversations”.

It’s now 2013, and after graduating high school, I experienced my second depression. My best friend was growing distant, I could tell it was only a matter of time before the “end” in “friendship” was fulfilled, and I wasn’t looking forward to going to the local college in the slightest. I had no idea where my future was going.

In my daze, I happened to notice a familiar name in the list of shows airing during that time; Yugioh. I remembered once watching DM and GX excitedly before, though never had much interest in 5D’s. Zexal it was called, might as well see if it’s any decent.

Hearing this protagonist’s voice was akin to listening to a blender for no reason, but at least he was interesting to watch. That blue character beside the new “Yu” though… why is his crotch glowing like that? Apart from the holy crotch… “he” does look cool, and he seems to have an interesting story to him. I’ll probably tune in again if I happen to see it in the channel listings.

I didn’t see many episodes of Zexal around this time, maybe five at max. I could tell that the dubbers had butchered this poor show, but it wasn’t until later that’d I’d feel compelled to seek out the sub.

This is where I suspect I may lose followers.

Considering the entertainment in my small town was limited, and I had essentially lost the one person I’d normally hung out with, the internet became my new pastime.

And by accident, I was introduced to the concept of tulpas.

I’d consider myself a nerd for psychology and other things involving the brain, so upon my discovery of this concept I did a bit of reading on the subject. “Mental companions with their own autonomy” as the subreddit described them. Neat.

I had no interest in trying to make one for myself.

But suddenly, I had one.

It didn’t help that this tulpa decided to assume the form of Yubel in that moment. Suffice to say I was convinced my imagination had finally gone off the rails and was trying to trick me into thinking I had one of these tulpa things.

I tried ignoring them. That failed, as they were exceptionally chatty, and curious as to why they were suddenly there. I should mention, that this occurred around midday, so my hope that they’d go away after I went to sleep was still several hours away.

Suffice to say, after I woke up the first time, I realized they weren’t going away.

Time went by, and they’d dropped the Yubel form, which certainly helped in getting me to stop thinking that there was a chance that they were actually a demon. Now I had a new problem.

They’d chosen Astral’s form.

By this point I had no idea what to call them. Astral? Yubel? Tulpa? They didn’t like any of those names. Oh, apparently they’re a he, alright sure, I guess.

“So what name do you want then?”

He thought for a moment, before this naked-blue-floaty-elf-creature-living-in-my-imagination responded very matter of factly with, “Clay.”

That certainly wasn’t a name I would have chosen for such a being, but that was one of the things that helped convince me that perhaps this… entity, does have thoughts that are separate from my own.

This tulpa territory was very unfamiliar to me, as it would be several years before the realization would dawn that the dream boy, the other “actor”, and Clay were one and the same. At the time, I hesitantly trusted him, but the depression kept me doubting this “stranger”. I asked him at one point if I could put him through a few “tests” just to see how much Clay was both apart of and distinct from my imagination.

At first the tests were simple, like what happened if I pictured a rain cloud above Clay, would he get wet? (he did) Several similar, harmless, tests occurred. However, I was getting frustrated; Clay’s reactions were ones that I’d expect. Part of the purpose of these tests was to determine just how autonomous Clay actually was, or if he truly was just my puppet on strings.

I proceeded to do something I’d immediately regret;

Imagining a handgun into my “mental self’s” hand, and I shot a bullet towards Clay.

Either he dodged it or I intentionally missed. It’s been too many years to remember for sure. Probably a mix of both.

The reaction I witnessed from Clay that day cut straight to my core. The poor guy was in tears, scared out of his mind, and questioning why I’d do something like that in stuttered words.

I learned three things in that moment:

1. If I ever set my mind to it, I had the capacity to kill Clay.

2. Despite his appearance, Clay possessed real human emotions.

3. I could never bring myself to try and kill Clay.

After apologizing repeatedly and consoling him to the best of my ability, I made a promise to him that is now quite literally tattooed on my skin; I will not kill you, and I will not kill myself, for my death is your murder.

This promise, and my inability to bring myself to harm another sentient creature, would be the same thing that prevented me from doing several irrevocable acts. If I harmed myself, I was harming Clay, and I couldn’t bring myself to do that.

While I could draw Clay to help with visualizing him, I quickly found that I needed some sort of reference to improve. Just some sort of a base so I knew which elements to add to make my drawings more “Clay-like”. Eventually the obvious answer came; I needed to watch Zexal, or more specifically, I needed to watch Astral.

Clay originally looked identical to Astral, but with time he modified his appearance to be something unique to him, even if one could still see the Astral inspiration behind it.

In a truly “chicken or the egg” situation, as I watched Zexal I saw similarities in the relationship between Astral & Yuma and Clay & myself. It wasn’t long before my interest in keyshipping spawned due to both the warm fuzzy feelings I’d get for being reminded of the person who’s supported me for 7 years (and counting), and from the memories of such a wholesome (and potentially gay) partnership in an overall compelling shonen story.

An older photo, but still one of the better ones I’ve done of the guy. Like the shapeshifter that he is, both the wings and tail can appear and disappear as he pleases. Generally, Clay keeps them both hidden for convenience.

Seeing as it is a side view, I’ll clarify that all of Astral’s markings and piercings are GONE, the sort of exception being the “fake eyebrow” markings which Clay did keep (which are indeed markings rather than actual eyebrows).

And no, none of Clay’s appearance I have direct influence over. At one point I implored him to wear clothes, which Clay did try doing briefly. …That didn’t last long though.

@zexalmonth

#zexal month

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lightsandlostbells · 6 years ago

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Druck season 2, episode 2 reaction

Carmen might as well become the sixth ranger of the girl squad.

Episode 2

Clip 1 - Last-minute gift options

Mia’s reading in bed. Seems like a nice, relaxing afternoon. She checks her phone, where are messages from the girls. They’re talking about the meetup at Hanna’s place, which will include a Secret Santa. Mia is suddenly not relaxed, because she forgot to get a Secret Santa gift. D’oh!

Making it even worse, she had drawn Kiki’s name! Better get her something good to make up for your fight, Mia.

She goes through her drawers and her books, searching for a last-minute gift that she can hand to Kiki. One option is The Little Prince. Another is “Eating decently” and ohhhhh boy, as much as I think Mia might want to give that to her, I’m sure she knows it’ll cause drama. (Also, another nod to Mia has dealing with eating-related issues herself.)

She goes to her computer and types in “printable gift cards for a friend” which might be kinda on the nose since I’d probably just type in like “(store name)” and find a gift card from an actual shop, but I get what she means. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I was kinda wondering why she didn’t haul ass to a store to pick out something quickly, so I looked it up, and most German shops are closed on Sundays, when this clip aired. There are eight Sundays a year when Berlin stores can be open on Sundays, including that Sunday (December 23) but they’re only open from 13:00 to 20:00, and Mia has to be at Hanna’s at 12:00. The more you know, for people from cultures where this isn’t the norm! Germans, feel free to weigh in or correct me.

I actually loved this small scene, though. I like that we’re seeing Mia not on top of everything, since the Noora characters are so frequently presented as something like an ideal girl. In Eva’s season she’s the cool new girl that Eva’s desperate to befriend, in Sana’s season she’s the perfect pretty blonde Norwegian (viewed with frustration by Sana, but also supported by the narrative). In Noora’s/Mia’s own seasons, we’re obviously getting a look into their less perfect parts, seeing them from a different POV, but this moment with Mia feels very mundane, like I don’t recall Noora flubbing like this, just a simple common mistake. Other than forgetting to fix her lipstick after William make-outs. Speaking of...

Clip 2 - That lipstick’s gonna bite Mia in the ass

The girls are drinking mulled wine and doing their Secret Santa. Hanna opens her gift. It’s a stuffed camel. Carmen?? The legend herself???

Actually it’s Carmen 2.0! This one less used, which I’m sure Hanna appreciates. Hanna can’t climax when she tries to get herself off, she has trouble relaxing (a throwback to that S1 scene where the girls help Kiki relax before meeting with Alex, as is Carmen of course) so Carmen 2.0 is a tool to help her. Lmao, well, that’s actually a thoughtful present. Nice work, Sam!

Kiki had drawn Mia for Secret Santa. She got her a nice red lipstick. It’s about three times as expensive as what they meant for Secret Santa, but Kiki just had to get it for Mia, it suited her so well. Mia protests a little, but Kiki says it’s also an apology for being so bitchy. Ouch. Just rub it in a little for Mia, making it worse that she forgot Kiki’s gift.

She puts on the lipstick and the girls approve. You know that lipstick is gonna come back to haunt Mia. I can see it happening: either Mia gets the lipstick smeared over her mouth after making out with Alex, or Alex gets the lipstick smeared over his mouth and Kiki sees it.

Mia hands Kiki her gift certificate. It’s a generic shopping voucher for 10 euro. Kiki is polite, but seems disappointed at such an impersonal present. Should’ve gone with The Little Prince, Mia!

Kiki’s gift was more than the agreed amount, because she wanted to get Mia a present that was perfect for her. Mia’s gift was the minimum amount and showed the minimum thought. I’m sure if Mia had remembered to do Secret Santa ahead of time, she would have gotten Kiki something better, but from Kiki’s perspective, I wonder if she has doubts that Mia cares about her as much as she cares about Mia. Combine that with Mia clearly disapproving of some things Kiki is doing - even if Mia has good reasons for that, I can see Kiki perhaps not feeling that Mia likes her very much right now. Not that she hates her, but that Mia doesn’t respect Kiki or take her seriously. Which is never going to feel more evident to Kiki than when she learns about Mia and Alex, probably.

Clip 3 - Christmas Eve dinner

Mia sits on the couch as Hanna and her dad get ready for Christmas Eve dinner. Hanna’s dad is impressed that Mia seems to know a little about art, like wow, one of Hanna’s friends is interested in something besides Instagram! Well, I like Hanna’s dad, but I’m sure her friends can talk about other stuff if he asked them their thoughts.

Hanna and her dad get into a spat where he complains that she talked to him for five minutes but spent 3 hours looking at Instagram, and she snarks back that the food must have cooked itself. I love bearing witness to other families being passive-aggressive to each other, it doesn’t make me squirm at all! I’m sure Mia feels the same way!

Mia brings up that the Banksy campaign that the dad mentioned involved posting people’s reactions on Instagram. So, a nice attempt to bridge Hanna and her dad’s argument. (She also said that she didn’t like to cook at all, and while that may be true, it also feels like trying to downplay herself to play up with Hanna did.) Hanna is happy, but pushes it too far by telling her dad he doesn’t know anything. Her dad meanwhile says that Mia used an argument and didn’t get offensive.

I’ve been in this situation before, where a friend’s parents were far more polite to me than their own kids since I was a guest, and man, it can be so awkward, because you don’t want to offend the parents but you don’t want to hang your friends out to dry. Mia handled it pretty well, I think. Though this setup makes me think again of how Mia is the golden girl, loved by parents, too (except her own), much like that group chat where she was told she could be anything while her friends were all getting microaggressions from advisers.

The tension worsens as the phone starts ringing. I think it’s the dad’s new wife who’s worried about the kid being sick? Hanna gets up and walks off. I’m on team Hanna’s dad here if a relative is is ill; however, I get why Hanna would react like this. She cooked and set up the meal apparently, and her dad instead goes to talk to his “new” family, which is already a sore spot. Dad follows her, leaving Mia alone as he and Hanna argue. Ohhhh my God, I have been in Mia’s position before and it’s the worst. I get that sometimes shit just happens but it always annoys me when people can’t save their petty, recurring arguments for when the guests leave. It puts everyone else in an uncomfortable position because mostly you sit there in silence, wanting to leave. Unless suddenly they want you to weigh in and take sides and THAT is the worst.

Axel texts Merry Christmas to Mia. Mia doesn’t answer at first, but then looks at her phone again. It’s Axel in a red and white striped sweater, with Toilet Sam and his family. That’s a nice detail, that Axel is tight with Sam’s family rather than his own. I always felt we needed more of glimpses into the William/P-Chris friendship since honestly that seemed to be the best, most stable relationship in his life. And I know we didn’t leave Alex on the best terms, but the Waldo reference is genuinely funny, sorry.

Mia asks if he got adopted, and Alex says, I wish, which is a nice little hint at his shitty family. Toilet Sam’s family seem like a cute, happy bunch, by the way!

When she explains her situation, Alex asks whether she’s a Christmas refugee, too. Again, a nice observation, that both he and Mia come from bad and negligent family situations. (One of my favorite tropes is when people who have crappy family situations manage to create a functioning home in each other. I don’t think Axel and Mia are going to scratch that itch due to the other drama with them and their overall dynamic, but I enjoy that concept).

Mia says if he says they should look for other similarities between them, she’ll report him for harassment, which I think is a nod to the singalong scene in season 1. Alex is like, should we joke about something so serious? He says they can find more serious topics to joke about on a date, Mia is like, nope! Hanna and her dad come back, with their argument resolved (for now) and everyone sits down to have a happy Christmas Eve dinner.

Why did Mia engage in this conversation with Alex? I mean, we know that despite herself, Mia is into Alex. Her disgust and irritation at parts of him are real, but you can’t deny that she’s also contacting him to continue their debates (the Israel discussion was continued via text message). And I think in this instance, her being an outsider in Hanna’s home, and dealing with this family argument she’s not part of, where she’s hungry, might actually push her to answer Alex just so she’s not sitting there bored and frustrated and starving at the table.

I have to say, if you take this scene alone, out of the larger context of Mia and Alex and Kiki and everything that goes with that situation, there are some good moments in their conversation. The Waldo reference is cute and we saw a point of connection between Mia and Alex both being Christmas refugees. But ... Alex is with Kiki at this point, and he’s asking Mia for a date. He’s approaching it easily, with flirting and jokes. That’s incredibly shady of him, it’s hurtful to Kiki. Even if he’s not obligated to have a serious relationship with her, he does owe her respect. There are some aspects where I think Alex has improved on William’s behavior, but this isn’t one of them; this is actually worse, because while William used his contact with Vilde to get Noora into the date, he wasn’t actually hooking up with her at the time. Alex has some sort of arrangement with Kiki going on and he’s still doing this. It’s very dishonest and shows a lack of respect for Kiki’s feelings.

And now Mia is engaging in this flirtation! She knows this isn’t right, she has to, but she’s not ignoring him. She can probably justify it in her head as innocent, but we know it’s not. This is wrong of her. Even apart from the flirting, she knows that Alex is willing to throw aside Kiki just like that. Shouldn’t that reveal enough about his character? If she thinks Alex is making Kiki’s eating issues worse, what about this proof in front of her face of just how easily he’ll discard her?

Clip 4 - Mia’s parents

The clip is called “Hetero Hans,” lmao.

I super dig Mia going for her phone and sliding across the floor in her socks.

She gets a video call from her parents. It’s friendly at first and then they start getting passive-aggressive.They guilt her about not being with them for Christmas, they complain about this becoming an argument again. You can tell this is a usual cycle for them. Kind of interesting how Hanna’s dad praised Mia while he and Hanna fought, and here’s Mia fighting with her own parents. That’s pretty typical for families, but I think Mia’s issues are more severe than usual. Obviously most kids don’t move away from their parents like Mia did unless there’s a big reason.

Mia tells them she spent Christmas with Hanna and her dad. When Mia has to remind them who Hanna is, Mia’s mom says, Oh, the chubby one! Mia gets upset and says Hanna isn’t chubby, but even if she was, what kind of statement is that? Things get tense again and Mia is going to end the call.

You know, Mia’s parents should probably know to be sensitive about this issue considering Mia’s ED. Unless they don’t know about it. Whatever the case, you can imagine that these kinds of comments perhaps encouraged Mia’s eating issues.

Mia’s parents complain that she always does this and attacks them. They said it was embarrassing when their friends or whoever learned they didn’t celebrate Christmas together. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but it’s telling that they’re embarrassed because other people learned they don’t celebrate together, rather than being hurt about Mia not wanting to be with them. It seems more about their public image than their connection to their daughter.

Hans goes into the bedroom looking like Clark Kent. He does an Eskild-worthy pop round the door and flings himself onto Mia’s bed.

Hans had to dress “straight” to visit his family. He’s out to his family, but it’s too hard to be his usual self (flamboyant) in front of his older and right-wing relatives, so he’s “straightened” himself up. If he looks more stereotypically hetero, he can avoid the conversations about why gay people just can’t be normal. So there’s no stress. Hans has been delivering this in a more light-hearted way, but it’s clear there’s some sadness involved, that he’s out of the closet but still can’t be himself with his family.

Wow. I really love this detail. Not that it’s great for Hans, but that it’s a great observation about how one of the ways gay people have to deal with homophobia - he has to be a more “respectable” gay person who tries too adopt more “straight” mannerisms and style. It goes perfectly with Eskild’s Pride speech from S3, when Isak tries to do the same thing and distance himself from those super gay guys with their tights and mascara, although Isak himself has those hangups and with Hans it’s more about self-preservation - he clearly doesn’t want to do it. I already can’t wait to see Hans and Matteo interact more, I hope Druck gets to S3 so we can see Hans’ take on that speech.

Also, Mia’s parents asked who that was, which might have been because they didn’t recognize Hans in his hetero ensemble, but also maybe because they’re so out of the loop they don’t know the guy their daughter is living with.

Hans plays it off again, though, and he and Mia hug. Awww. Nice parallel to their family situations in this clip - Mia also has to “play nice” with her folks. They’re castoffs as well. I’m sure they’d rather celebrate Christmas with each other rather than their parents.

Clip 5 - Alex’s gift

The girls go shopping after Christmas. It’s almost comically picturesque how they walk together arm in arm. Sam and Kiki are even skipping!

We see Kiki looking in the lingerie shop window and gesturing, probably telling Sam about her plans to bra shop when she gets her breast implants, as it turns out.

Apparently the girls are going to Hanna’s grandma’s cabin for the week of New Year’s. Nice! I guess that’s how we’re getting the slumber party scene.

As they’re walking by the lingerie shop, Sam asks Kiki if they should go in, since she’ll be needing new bras soon. That gives the other girls pause. Sam thinks she might have given away Kiki’s secret. Kiki tries to go away and change the subject, but Amira grabs her arm and wants to know the secret. Little detail, but Kiki suggests they go to another store because “Alex doesn’t like her perfume.” And it just makes me so deeply sad, because on the one hand, stuff like this sometimes gets brought up in relationships, and if your perfume irritates your partner, it’s not entirely unreasonable to stop using it when you’re with them. But I also know how thoroughly Kiki values Alex’s opinion, how she wants his approval, so in context of everything else, it’s Kiki trying to change herself based on what Alex likes, not what she does.

Mia even jokes that Kiki better not be getting breast surgery, and Amira laughs with her. However, it’s no joke, as Kiki says that Alex got her a voucher for breast surgery for Christmas.

That sound you heard was the RECORD SCRATCH in my head. It reverberated internationally.

Mia is like … seriously? I can tell that Kiki really doesn’t want this conversation with Mia in particular. It’s telling that Sam was the only one she’s told; she probably knew the other girls might not be so receptive to the gift. She says that she and Alex were talking about body parts they didn’t like, and he said he wanted better beard growth, and that she’d like to buy new breasts. She forgot about the conversation until she got the voucher a few days ago. Kiki knows that the girls don’t seem cool with this, but she points out, it’s a little bit cute, right? Mia is like, sure, “cute.” When Hanna asks if Kiki is really going to do it, Kiki is like, “NO! …. Well, why not?”

Sam is all on board with this plan. Hell fucking yeah, that’s an expensive surgery, go for it! Kiki points out it’s even cheaper if you use your own fat and ohhhh fuck, that’s even worse. I bet that seems like a 2-for-1 deal to Kiki: get rid of the fat from somewhere else on her body, her stomach or thighs or wherever they’d take it from, and put it somewhere more “acceptable” like her breasts.

Mia has more questions, but Kiki says that she’s 18 and can make her own decisions, and that she’s not doing it for Alex but for herself. Mia responds that Kiki is doing it because men talk us into believing that big breasts are beautiful. Kiki says that women talk about it too, Mia says yeah, because men convinced us of it.

Amira intervenes and says that she’s on the side of women, and if a woman wants to change something about her body, then it’s her body. Her cousin had lip surgery, for example, I guess because she had a complex about it? I mean, then you should ask why she had a complex about her lips in the first place, and where that dissatisfaction came from.

Mia says she doesn’t reject plastic surgery in general, but she wants them to see what Alexander is doing. Before Mia can explain more, Amira more or less cuts her off and is like, it’s cool he’s paying!

Hanna tries to put a stop to this argument and suggests they continue shopping, but Mia lingers behind as the girls go ahead. There’s a nice shot of her in front of the lingerie shop window, with the mannequin in the bra hovering over Mia’s shoulder. Kinda like a weird angel on the shoulder. Those breasts are prompting Mia to take action, basically.

Mia texts Axel and calls him out for the gift. Axel’s like, what’s the big deal? It was her wish and the doctor is his uncle. She yells at him to stop, she knows what he’s doing. (A Santa walks by behind her, lmao.) She says he’s only doing this to provoke her. Alexander replies with a 🤔 emoji.

After clarifying that Alex will end this thing with Kiki if Mia meets with him, she agrees to meet with him on Friday. Mia looks off screen, toward Kiki up ahead, before she types her decision.

Ohhhhh boy what to unpack here.

There was a lot of discourse and discussion following this scene. I’m not sure I can add anything that hasn’t been mentioned. When it comes to feminism and plastic surgery - and makeup, and anything else to do with appearances that mainly affects women and achieving the ideal, or at least a more appealing look - there’s this complicated mix of personal feelings and individual choices versus societal norms and patriarchal pressure. Because while Mia may be confronting Kiki in a way that’s unlikely to be productive, she’s not wrong about the influence of society on body image, particularly the influence of patriarchy on what women “should” look like. It’s not fun to think about our cosmetic choices being influenced by forces other than ourselves, but it’s a necessity if we’re going to talk about feminism and body image in a way that yields constructive change. I like to paint my nails. No one’s making me do it. But I also didn’t get that idea in a vacuum. And that’s a fun thing that I do to my appearance, not something I dislike but feel obligated to do. I also pluck or wax the hairs on my face. I inspect my chin multiple times a day. My tweezers get used almost as much as my toothbrush. No one is holding a gun to my head when I do this. But I know it’s not acceptable in society for a woman to have hairs on her chin or above her lip, and that I would be judged if I went out and had stubble. I could face negative effects in a professional setting. If I grew up in a society where women’s facial hair was seen as normal as men’s and they walked around with it, it’s doubtful I would go through the pain, or the time and money consumption, of plucking or waxing, because it wouldn’t occur to me that there was anything wrong with having facial hair in the first place.

And I get where Amira is coming from, because regardless of societal norms, we also have individual choices. Shaming or judging one woman for her choices, even if we think they go along with the demands of a sexist system, is not going to dismantle the patriarchy. Mia’s approach is not the best; she would be better off treating Kiki as an individual, asking her why she wants big breasts, rather than going at this from the more confrontational angle about societal sexism that’s going to likely make Kiki dismiss her comments and put her on the defensive. I mean, no one wants to be told they’re brainwashed by the patriarchy, lol. The way Mia reacted was probably exactly what Kiki expected and dreaded. But I also think Amira’s comments are on the simplistic side, overall.

In the first season, Amira actually takes the opposite stance from Kiki. When Kiki sends nude pics to Alex, Amira objects strongly, and when Kiki says that women can do whatever they want with their bodies, attributing it to feminism, Amira says it has nothing to do with feminism. Now, you could take that as some kind of character progression (and I would hope that this isn’t the case, because there are some dodgy implications there) but I think maybe it’s just inconsistent writing. They might have needed someone to stand as a “voice of reason” besides Mia, taking the opposing side, and the other clear voice of reason in the group is Amira. I do appreciate the attempt to show the issue as nuanced, but I’m not sure how much I buy the execution. Getting one’s body permanently modified via surgery is even more drastic than sending nudes to a guy - I get that maybe there are differences in the situations that would lead someone to think the first is empowering while the second is foolish, but I’m not sure Amira would jump so strongly on Kiki’s side, other than to prevent a fight from breaking out in the squad. I hope that maybe later we can hear more of her thoughts on the issue, in detail.

Also, Kiki has very specific issues regarding her body, that are more than just wanting breast surgery. Mia is not going to expose her in front of the other girls about her eating cotton pads and working out too much. Amira doesn’t seem to know about any of that; I wonder if she’d be so quick to say it’s Kiki’s choice if she was aware of the full context of the problem.

Something else I want to add: Alex is the one who gave Kiki this gift. It’s a man giving the woman he’s hooking up with - but not dating - a voucher for breast surgery. You can’t ignore that it’s Alex’s gift in particular, and you can’t ignore the potential gender politics, which Mia is absolutely going to be aware of. Does Mia think Kiki will feel pressure to go ahead with the surgery, in order to keep Alex’s interest? Or the fact that he gave her such an expensive gift, will that add to the pressure? Does she think there’s something selfish behind the motivations, like Alex is giving Kiki a gift that he will end up, well, “enjoying”? What about the fact that Alex barely knows Kiki and they’ve hardly been dating, and he’s giving her this rather extreme present based on one conversation? Alex is giving Kiki a very expensive, permanent body modification. It’s her choice to go through with it, but there’s still a lot of baggage attached to him giving it to her in the first place.

If I look at this from the most charitable perspective toward Alex, best case scenario is that he remembered this conversation, thought, “Huh, that’s something she’d like,” pulled some strings with his uncle, and gave it to her without thinking of any of the implications. Like he just thought it was a nice, normal gesture, and wasn’t thinking about anything more complex than that. And honestly, I feel like that was his canon intention. Because any other motivation feels kind of evil - it’s fucked up if he did that to piss off Mia, it’s fucked up if he did that for his personal enjoyment. I’m not a fan of his but that’s something that I don’t think they’d depict, no matter his other faults.

I wrote another post about this but, while I don’t approve of his gift, it probably feels to Kiki like Alex got her a voucher that was very personal, based on a conversation they’d had about their body insecurities, whereas Mia got her this cheap generic voucher with no thought put into it, like Alex’s voucher probably seemed even better on top on that. Mia complaining about his gift is not going to land with her when Alex seemingly put more thought into his gift than Mia did. I wonder if that’ll get thrown into Mia’s face.

You know whose opinion I’m also kind of interested in? Hanna’s. Because while Hanna has not been shown to have body insecurity on the level of Kiki, we do know that she was apparently bullied for being “the fat girl” before she befriended Leonie, as she told Leonie in season 1. Hanna here also seems to have reservations about Alex’s gift. I don’t know if they’ll feature her take on the issue, but it’d be nice to know.

Clip 6 - The date

We see Mia has her own little slogan taped onto her wall, “Follow your heart but take your brain with you.” Which seems like it’s going to be a big conflict of the season for Mia.

Mia gets ready for her date with Alex, including putting on the lipstick she got from Kiki, yikes! I guess that’s a reminder why she’s doing it, or why she’s telling herself she’s doing it. We see her glimpsing at herself in the mirror but it’s not a good full view of her, it’s filmed so she’s not centered, which I supposed is to make us feel how off-balance and out of character she feels doing this, or how she’s questioning herself.

Just a side note, but I like how casually and comfortably Mia has dressed in much of the season so far. Here she’s in a hoodie and jeans. Maybe it was because Noora always looked like a style icon - don’t get me wrong, I loved her outfits - but I like that Mia dresses down so much and is not just copying Noora’s wardrobe. It’s another thing that makes her seem like her own character.

She gets a text from the girls, who are looking to hang out. Kiki mentions that Alex said he was hanging with his friends tonight. OK, so he lied to Kiki. Not surprising. Not great of him. (Not great of Mia, either, to be clear.)

Mia doesn’t respond. Not that lying is great, but just tell them you have cramps or a migraine or something. I think the og girl squad were setting up these Friday plans earlier during the week so it was harder for Noora to make up an excuse to get her out of these plans, but spur of the moment hangouts on Friday? You can just say you don’t feel well.

Hans comes in as he’s gotten word from Mia’s friends that they want to party, too. He asks what they’re doing, Mia says she has a date and stops Hans before he can ask Mia’s friends for more details.

Mia makes him swear not to tell anyone, Hans says he’s swearing on his mother’s life. Mia says to swear on something that’s important to him, and so he swears on his own life. Lmao. That’s funny, but kinda sad in conjunction with the “Hetero Hans” clip, you have to wonder if he has that bad of a relationship with his parents.

Mia mentions the guy Kiki’s having a thing with and Hans knows it’s Alexander immediately, so he probably heard alll about the guy from Kiki when they were partying last week, lol.

Mia explains to Hans how she’s going on this date with Alexander for Kiki, so Kiki doesn’t get hurt further, and Hans is like … but won’t she get hurt if she finds out about this? Mia says she’s not gonna find out, it’ll be one date with this jerk and that’s it. Hans laughs to himself like he knows better as Mia leaves.

Mia bikes to where she’s meeting Alexander. I wonder if maybe she didn’t want to meet him at her own place, because then he would know where she lives? Alex pulls up in his fancy car. They debate a bit because Mia doesn’t want to get in the car, Alex wants to take her somewhere far away, then Mia just wants to go somewhere near, etc. Not a great thing for him to pressure her to go somewhere with him!

Mia says, OK, but I drive. LMAO. That’s actually great. Though I was waiting for her to drive off with his car at some point.

It’s not a very scenic drive, which is fine. The music is a little eerie and the camera is focused on their faces, with some shots of the street that are focused oddly upwards rather than street level. It adds to the uncertainty of the situation.

They go to what looks like a random building? Mia wants to know why they’re there, Alex just wants her to come with him, Mia argues, he’s mad that she’s mad. Dude. You’re taking a girl to an undisclosed location when she didn’t want to go with you. Just give her the details already.

She asks him if they’re going to see his dealer, and he says nah, he lives somewhere else. Lmao, I think he’s kidding? I think.

Mia’s like, let me guess, we’re going to the rooftop and there’s an amazing view. Alexander’s reaction makes her think she is right. She’s like, aha, you thought showing me the city and the bright lights would make me forget that you’re an asshole! It’s funny and all but it’s kind of frustrating that this season is pointing out the bad boy romance cliches at turns while still indulging in them. (That was a problem in Noora’s season, too.)

They get in an elevator. Alexander is kinda grinning/smirking behind Mia, I guess because she figured out his plan for the date, but also because she still got in the elevator with him.

Sure enough, it’s a rooftop with a view. Alex offers her cocoa and she turns it down. I want to point out the full context of this gesture, which was ignored in the original Skam; that if you got pressured into going on a date with a guy (especially one who didn’t take no for an answer, as with William) and he took you to a deserted location and had a drink prepared for you, it would seem extremely fucking shady and you would not want to drink that. I wonder if that’s why Mia rejected the drink at first, or if she just didn’t take it on principle of rejecting Alex. (I’m not saying Alex, or William, is a date rapist. I’m saying that I think this fear would be completely reasonable to have. In fact the later part of S2 even suggests that maybe Noora’s drink was drugged by Niko, though it’s never confirmed, so it’s not an angle to dismiss, when that very topic comes up in the season.)

Alexander tells her about this house being built by his great grandparents. He drops in that his sister loved this place, but Mia doesn’t follow up on that (or the past tense, I guess) and grills him on him sharing this information with her, as if it’s going to change anything.

He has the audacity to call her mean, Lmao, shut the fuck up, dude. You told Kiki she wasn’t worth it. You pulled that shit with who knows how many other girls. You’re on this date while ostensibly having an exclusive thing with Kiki. And you’re going to call Mia mean with a straight face?

Mia says he’s blackmailed her into coming, and ugh, I hate to say anything in his defense when he’s pissing me off, but the thing is, while Alex did present this deal, he didn’t pursue her like William did, to where she was telling him no and dodging his texts and comments. He brought it up after she started contacting him. And from what we can tell, he didn’t start this thing with Kiki because he wanted to get at Mia (HOPEFULLY) whereas William was talking to Vilde again to mess with Noora.

He brings up one semi-decent point, because Mia says he was continuing to hit on Mia behind Kiki’s back, so she had no choice but to go on this date, and he points out that she could’ve just told Kiki about him hitting on Mia behind Kiki’s back. And I do agree that this was also an option that Mia could’ve and should’ve taken. But also ... this is him blaming Mia for not telling Kiki about his own shithead behavior. ‘Gee, Mia, you could have just told Kiki that I’m flirting with you!” How about you don’t flirt with her in the first place? Creep.

Mia argues that she doesn’t want Kiki to be hurt. Well, she will be hurt either way, if Alex breaks up with her or if Mia shows her Alex’s texts or whatever. I think Mia doesn’t want to be the bad guy, to a degree.

Alexander pulls the exact same bullshit that William did, about wanting to hurt Kiki before, about Kiki hitting on him and not giving her any expectations, about seeing it from his perspective because Mia was mean to him. About Kiki’s self-image not being able to be destroyed with one sentence. alsdjfalsdvaasdflkasd;f why why why must we redo this scene each time with the male love interest being such a defensive dong

I already complained about this scene when I reacted to Skam France’s take on this clip, and man … it makes me so exhausted having to repeat these same points, because they don’t fix the scene to be less infuriating. So I’m going to recycle a lot of what I said in that review, because it still applies here.

Alex is trying to get Mia to see his POV, but there’s a strong sense here that he doesn’t consider Kiki’s POV when it’s inconvenient for him to think about her feelings. The hypocrisy is all over the place.

Alex brings up that Kiki pursued him. This is such an asinine defense. He didn’t have to sleep with Kiki. He could have ignored her advances and let her down before anything happened. He’s not required to hook up with any of the girls who want him. What happened between them was consensual, and therefore he needs to take responsibility for his role in what happened. Like are we supposed to think Kiki put a magic spell on his dick and he was powerless to do anything about it?

Alex did not owe Kiki a relationship. But he does owe her respect. He disrespected her by ghosting her and by making a cruel comment to her. Notice he didn’t start acting like a jerk until after he got what he wanted from her. Then suddenly he has to be mean to her, because he has to drive her away. Okay, if the problem was Kiki pursuing him, why couldn’t he be mean to her to drive her away before he slept with her? I mean, he was helpless to Kiki’s advances, right? Not that this would have been great, either, but isn’t it just so funny and coincidental that he became a jerk after they hooked up and not before? He’s trying to justify his actions when they’re as simple as the dude wanted to get laid, nothing more, nothing less.

Also, Alex being like “you insulted me in front of my friends, Mia” when a) there was one other dude, lmao b) YOU DID THAT TO KIKI. YOU INSULTED HER IN FRONT OF HER FRIENDS.

Finally, this garbage about not being able to ruin Kiki’s self-image with one comment. I do agree that Kiki’s issues are much larger and likely started before Alex. But he’s dead wrong about one comment not mattering. One comment can matter a ton. One cruel comment can stick in your brain for years. It can make you hate things you didn’t know you were supposed to hate. It can drive you to do things that you wouldn’t have done otherwise, things that wreck you. Where do you think people get many of their insecurities? And just because it’s “one comment” doesn’t mean it’s okay to say it! What kind of jackass do you have to be to believe that? You’re implicitly excusing every terrible thing you could say to someone. I mean, it’s just one comment, so it won’t matter, right? And this is the guy who has the nerve to tell Mia that she’s mean. Lmao.

By this logic, if someone throws an Islamophobic or racist comment at Amira, it’s not their fault if that affects her self-image, because she must have some deeper issue inside. If someone uses a homophobic slur around Matteo, it shouldn’t matter if it affects how he sees himself, it must be a problem with him, not the person using the word. This was enraging about Skam and William because we literally saw how the comments of others affected their self-image. It isn’t even limited to Vilde or Kiki. Sana gave a whole speech about how she was angry so much because she didn’t fit in anywhere! Isak felt insecure about being gay because of societal attitudes towards gay men and tried to distance himself from people he thought fit gay stereotypes! Eva was affected by people slut-shaming her to the point where she wanted to switch schools! Fuck, Noora had a previous boyfriend who treated her like crap and that contributed to her eating disorder. Mia likely heard all kinds of comments, like her parents’ casual fat-shaming, that ended up contributing to her eating problems. And yet we’re also supposed to believe Alex/William has a point here, as if we didn’t frequently see his argument flat-out contradicted? No thanks.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think Alex/William necessarily has to be saying all the right things. But my issue is that his POV here is not challenged. It’s actually framed in a way that makes it seem like Mia concedes that he has a point, with her taking a sip of the cocoa she had previously turned down. Now we don’t know how this will play out with Alex, because who knows, maybe they’ll change the narrative so it’s not the same as with William. But if it follows the same path, William never comes to change his mind about Vilde after this point. He never reconsiders what he said here. That’s why it’s so frustrating, because it’s like we are supposed to think he’s right.

GOD I HATE THAT MIA IS SILENT ABOUT THIS. I hate hate hate that we can’t get a Noora to point out the obvious flaws in his bullshit! And I get that characters don’t always know the right thing to say. But I am flabbergasted that we have to watch these outspoken young women be stunned into silence by this guy’s supposed logic and rightness, when nothing he’s saying makes any sense, nothing he’s saying is defensible, everything he is saying can be easily torn apart as self-serving apologia for his mistakes.

And note again, nowhere is there actual remorse in his statement. With Alex it’s not as bad as with William, because Alex’s previous apology to Kiki wasn’t part of a bargain to get a date. So that seemed genuine, while William’s was rendered hollow by the deal and his lack of regret during this scene. But still, it would be nice if Alex had said that he wished he hadn’t approached it that way with Kiki, that he wished he could take back what he said, or that he was sorry, just to enforce that he learned from that incident and he’s not just standing here defending his ass.

Mia takes a drink of the cocoa, I guess as a conciliatory gesture. He asks if she wants a warmer cup and she says she likes it cold, and the way that it’s filmed, it’s kinda meant to represent this thing she has going on with Alex: she could have someone warmer but is going for this cold dude instead.

Mia asks the obvious question. If he wanted to get rid of Kiki so bad, why is he spending time with her now? But Alex is distracted by his text message, takes the cocoa and pours it out (lmao, let her finish the fucking cocoa, let her drink it in your fancy-ass car if you want to be a standup dude) and says he has to go, so that’s still a mystery for now. God, if the answer does turn out that he was trying to get Mia’s attention ...

Mia says that she’s fulfilled her part of the deal and he says yes, she has. So basically, he better break up with Kiki shortly.

We get some of Druck’s awkward slow-mo at the end, lol. One thing they haven’t improved between seasons!

This is one of my least favorite scenes in the entirety of Skam and unfortunately, they didn’t change enough here. All I really enjoyed was Mia driving the car. Disappointed they had Alexander spew the same dumb points. Disappointed they didn’t incorporate more of the changes they’ve made so far this season. It’s too bad because I’m still on board with a lot of the other things they’ve done.

General Comments/Social Media

I really love Mia this season. Last season I started on the fence about her; I was on board with all the other girls, but Mia’s performance didn’t quite sell me on her at first. Noora is supposed to have a certain fierceness and Mia didn’t seem quite as convincing with Noora’s lines and actions. She ended up growing on me a lot based on the writing of the character. This season I’m totally on board with Mia, and I think the actress has been doing a solid job. I buy her having doubts and being torn over her friend. I think they leaned into her a lot as her own character, certainly having similarities with Noora and going down some of the same path, but also being her own person with her own beliefs and personality.

Also, the majority of the scenes have been different from the original S2 so far. Some of that is necessity, being set around Christmastime means they have to account for the holiday, and of course we’ve still gotten some of the big clips from Skam - Mia’s date with Alex was extremely similar to the original. But I love that so many of the clips are different and unique to these characters. It’s much easier to judge the story and characters on their own terms, and despite not being the biggest S2 fan (understatement), I find myself really engaged with following the story in real time, because I can’t quite predict what’ll happen next. I hope we keep receiving brand new scenes rather than copies of the originals.

Sam and Kiki partied all night with Hans and had a great time, apparently. But Kiki was working out hardcore the night after the party … girl. Did Mia’s comments get to her, and make her want to push herself even further, as a kind of defiance?

The girls work out their New Year’s plans. Alexander is having a party, but Kiki asked him and he didn’t respond. HMMMM. Kiki thinks he must be super busy. I think he’s super shady. Which one of us is correct?

The girls talk about how this might be their last chance to do something before graduation, and don’t you DARE do that to me, Druck. I see those subscribers increasing, those views going up. Don’t stop when you’re gaining so much steam we’re all sweating.

When the girls make resolutions, like more sex and more pizza, Kiki’s is “more Alex” and AHHHHHHHHH no thank you. Girl. No.

She also brings up how it would take much shorter to get to Alex’s place than the cabin, and Amira is very tired of her Alex references, but Kiki tries to play it off like she’s joking. Pretty sure she’s not joking. Pretty sure this is a very bad sign of how things will go down once she learns about him and Mia.

Okay, Kiki’s issues run pretty deep, and having the validation of men is absolutely not the solution to her eating disorder or low self-esteem, but I’m praying for someone to dangle Carlos in front of her to distract her from Alex, much like you would distract a cat with a bit of string. Pls pls pls give up on this dude. Get the D from elsewhere.

Mia mentions that she could drive in that text so it was a little foreshadowing to her driving Alex’s car, I guess.

Hans partied with the girl squad while Mia was out with Alex. He loves them! How sweet. And when he says, “Your girls are the fucking best!” Mia replies, “I know!” Awwwww!

There’s also a text between Alex and toilet Sam, where Alex says he wishes Sam repeated the year so Alex wouldn’t feel so lonely. There’s something potentially interesting in exploring Alex as the king as the school last year vs him repeating the grade without his friends, a loser, but I’m not sure we’d go into it. Like I’m already bleh with him, but I don’t mind more introspection into his character that’s not “he’s actually right with his dumbass excuses.”

Samuel says he saw someone named Björn at the kebab shop near Alex’s place. We don’t know who Björn is. I’m guess that’s either Alex’s brother or the equivalent of the Yakuza guy. I’d prefer it to be his brother. The Yakuza storyline has always felt awkwardly integrated into the story, detached from Noora’s perspective, and contradictory to the supposed values of the season.

There are a couple group pictures of the girl squad sans Mia, for various reasons, so I wonder if we’re going to focus on her being an outsider in the group as she keeps secrets about Alex, or later when Kiki finds out about her and Alex.

There were various Christmas posts showing the characters being merry and festive, it was fun! Perhaps my favorite was Jonas showing off his grandmother.

Matteo continues to post mostly memes rather than anything personal. Matteo probably had a shit Christmas, too.

I’m not German so feel free to correct me on anything context I may have missed.

If you got this far, thank you for reading!

#druck reactions

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fialleril · 7 years ago

Text

Replies to ‘Flowers for the Emperor’

So I’m hideously behind on my replies. (Seriously. So far behind that the folks I’m replying to probably don’t even remember what they said, lol.) But dang it, I’m getting them done! Eventually.

I’m gonna do a post for each fic I owe people replies to, so I don’t spam people.

Here’s the replies for the last DAV fic, Flowers for the Emperor.

@w3-4r3-th3-f1r3 said

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD GUYS GUYS THE FLOWERS OH MY GOD

OHHHH MY GOD I LOVE THE IDEA OF THE WHOLE FLOWER LANGUAGE BEING WRAPPED UP IN FOLK HISTORY SO MUCH

AND THAT POOJA COULD RECOGNIZE AND UNDERSTAND IT BECAUSE SHZ KNEW THE STORIES THATS SOMETHING THAT MAKZS MY RESEARCH-HAPPY HEART FUCKING SOAR I SWEAR TO GODDDDD

and Leia’s line, “and we’ll have flowers”.. I PUNCHED THE AIR SO HARD I HURT MY ELBOW BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I HEAR HER SAY THAT CLZAR AS DAY IN MY HEAR. AND IT WAS GLORIOUS

Thank you! :) Apparently the moral of this story (and arguably the entire DAV universe) is that it pays to be a nerd. The revolution is fought (and won) with folk tales and poetry and flowers.

@threadsketchier said

#I HAVE NEVER HIT REBLOG SO HARD IN MY LIFE #i'm so thirsty for naberrie family fics #& my thirst is slaked #night: made #crack!fic goals #majestic #*flaming elmo gif* #it's ok that we're still not at bespin #because we get more quality content like this #the family that slays together #say it with flowers #that may be my new tag for this lol #lastly #YAAAASSSSSSSSSS

Ha ha thanks. :) This fic basically turned into a vehicle for all my Naberrie headcanons, with a side of double agent Vader shenanigans, so I’m glad you enjoyed that.

Also “say it with flowers” sounds like a catchy advertising slogan and now I’m picturing Darth Vader doing TV ads, so thanks for that.

@miriannemiri said

fabulous! absolutely fabulous! the way he told her to get out was fabulous and just all the inside jokes possible with this and the way he almost tested her the first time! Also as someone who used flower language in literary analysis while getting my master's this just tickles me fabulous addition

Oh my goodness, I’m delighted to get a seal of approval from somebody who actually knows flower language!

I imagine the scene just after the end of the fic is Pooja telling Ryoo all about the different bouquets, and Ryoo cracking up laughing at each one.

@themoosejthm said

#A NEW FIC #AND IT'S SO FUCKING GOOD #READ THE THING #ALSO THAT FAM REUNION IS GOING TO BE AWKWARD AS FUCK #we also see more of Anakin being an awkward duck and just...swanning away from conversations midway through them #the language of flowers on naboo is also a thing of beauty #also it was really beautiful how present Padme was in this piece even though she's been dead for years #just...FIA AT IT AGAIN WITH THE GOOD FIC

Yessss, I’m so glad people are commenting on awkward turtleduck Anakin. He’s so awkward, but he gets away with it because people are so terrified that they think he’s being intimidating, when in fact he just...doesn’t know how to end a conversation.

Padme keeps popping up in dreams and memories because the idea of writing a story without her in it at all is just too terrible to contemplate.

@stereden said

#when someone who married into your culture knows your flower language better than you Palpatine it may be time to admit that you're an idiot #can I just say how much I adore the idea of Ekkreth basically telling Palpatine TO HISFACE that he's acting against him and will kill him #FOR PADME #and using Padme's culture to do so #imagine Anakin and Padme spending time together and Padme teaching him about Naboo and her traditions #and Anakin tells her stories of Tatooine #because for all that he hates the planet and what it represents #he learned a lot there #and in his darkest hours it's those lessons he remembers and uses to free himself #one story at a time #one bouquet at a time

Thank you for these lovely tags!

Palpatine is a Serious Galactic Political Force, the inane superstitions and provincial traditions of villagers and slaves do not concern him.

By the time Pooja sees her first bouquet, Anakin’s been sending them for several years already and got his delivery down to a science, but I think the first time he sent the flowers he actually thought that Palpatine would be able to read them, and he fully expected his Master to take his anger out on him, even if he didn’t suspect Vader as the sender. Anakin was just too depressed to care. But then to his surprise it turned out that Palpatine couldn’t read the secret language of his own people (which, to an Anakin who’s now thinking largely in Tatooine terms, is practically a moral judgment itself). And once he knew he could get away with it, he got really into it.

Both Pooja and Anakin think of the bouquets as Padme’s flowers, though for different reasons.

kiralamouse said

Y’all, if you aren’t reading Double Agent Vader, you’re missing out. It’s fractally beautiful, the little details mirroring the big picture mirroring the middle-ground means, that injustice must be shattered (and shall be, by the reassembled broken bits reforged into immutable objects). Also, secret admirer flowers being secret death threats. Details.

#best au #incidentally thanks fia for the fact that i can no longer not see your religious worldbuilding in canon #no seriously thanks #this fills the hole so perfectly that canon has yet to contradict

Thank you so much for this really beautiful image, wow. I’m flustered.

Also delighted that you like the Tatooine culture. :)

@thecookiemonster77 said

#!!!!!!!!!! #EEEEEEEEE DAV UPDATE!!!!! :DDDDDDD #IM YELL #I love ani what a nerd #*enters conversation* *doesn't know what to do* #*scuttles away* #same ani #same #but also!!!!!!! padmes family!!!!!! pooja!!!!!!!!!!!! #and flower fic!!!!!! #I'm so excited the hate bouquets became an official part of this installment omg #ani u nerd #I'm just. so in love w how they throw their disdain in palatines face #literally #like???? I just love their resistance and how they take whatever humor they can get #and!!!!!! using tales and flowers for rebellion!!!!!!!!!!! #dex as a part of the rebellion!!!!!!!!! #ITS WONDERFUL

:D I’m so glad people enjoyed awkward!Vader because honestly, he’s so much fun. A giant terrifying nerd. Someday in the future, once a lot of things have come out, Pooja is going to tease him so hard about this.

There’s an old saying that the thing that infuriates the Devil most is being laughed at. I feel like that’s true for Palpatine, as well. Of course, right now he doesn’t realize he’s being laughed at, but there’s a certain satisfaction in that, too. And it keeps people going. Laughter is important for a rebellion.

Also I am literally incapable of not name-dropping Dex at some point in my AUs, so the biggest surprise here is that he took so long to show up.

@fairandfatalasfair said

This was fantastic.

I love the parallel between Ryoo’s research and the traditional stories of Naboo, ignored because how could romantic poetry be relevant? and the insignificant folk stories that inspired Anakin’s change of alleigance.

I love the awkward conversation between Pooja and Anakin, and her complete unpreparedness for being questioned on the floral arrangements by the emperor’s right hand. (I’m not totally sure whether he’s reminding her not to give away the joke, or just checking whether she shared her aunt’s interest in flower language, or something else entirely, but regardless it’s a delightful exchange.)

I love the flower Pooja leaves behind - a last message for the emperor. It’s so in keeping with the rest of what we see of her in this, very different in tone from the gloating, personal hatred of Vader’s bouquets. That principled declaration of unflinching intent to see democracy victorious, hidden in something fragile and beautiful and insignificant, is exactly what she’s been doing here all along. And Palpatine will never know.

#Stories are important

#And everyone knows this except Palpatine

#I'm not even going to go into the dramatic irony because at this point that's just the defining reality of the AU

#But it's still simultaneously delightful and also killing me

#because Pooja's like inches from putting together who sent the flowers and misses it because it just seems too implausible

#okay maybe I'm going into it a little bit

#anyway beautiful story

Thank you for such an epic comment!

This entire AU is not so secretly centered around the power of stories to inspire and create resistance, so I’m glad people are enjoying that. :)

Also I imagine that to someone like Palpatine, things like flower language and folk tales and poetry are all considered childish and feminine, and therefore unimportant. So there’s a double sense of enjoyment in seeing those things lead to his downfall.

Anakin originally approached Pooja in that awkward exchange because he wanted to see if she really understood the meaning of the flowers - and if that meant he actually had an audience for them now. (Anakin’s a little bit of a showboat, tbh, and he hasn’t really been able to exercise that tendency in a long time. Sending messages to Palpatine that the Emperor can’t understand is satisfying, in its way, but it’s much more satisfying to known someone else does understand.)

Only once he’s confirmed that yes, she definitely can read the message, he has no idea how to end the conversation. So he just kind of...leaves. Like the awkward duck he is.

I’m glad you like Pooja’s flower at the end. :) And the important difference, ultimately, between her (and Leia) and Anakin. Anakin’s doing this in some sense for Padme - she loved the Republic so he’ll fight to bring it back - but ultimately, he still doesn’t really believe in the ideal of the Republic, and democracy is still a pretty meaningless concept to him. He’s out for a personal revenge, and he is actually invested in the Tatooine revolution, but the Rebellion as an organization is a lot more abstract to him.

Pooja, though, is really Padme’s ideological heir, even if she’s crafted her public image to be Padme’s opposite. She is fighting for democracy, for a core set of principles, for the ideal of the Republic she genuinely hopes to create.

@astudyinimagination said

#dammit uncle ani pls talk to your niece like a normal person#honestly when everything finally comes out this is going to be the most awkward family reunion in history#in other news#yes that is a washington post reference#i couldn’t resist#and of course the naboo have multiple flowers representing democracy#of course they do#the lyane rose is the flower padme’s parade dress in tpm is made to look like#also i’m continuing my one person campaign to write fema baab as a master spy#in all universes apparently#and finally it’s possible the bits with mon mothma at the end#conflict in minor ways with rogue one

Well, for starters, this is an AU so if anybody minds that it conflicts with Rogue One, that’s just… silly. (And I adored the movie and I ain’t bothered. ;) )

YES ANAKIN TALK TO YOUR NIECE AND DON’T BE SO RUDE. PADME IS PROBABLY FACEPALMING. HONESTLY, ANAKIN.

And what I probably should have started this sort-of review with is that I’m SO GLAD that one tumblr post snowballed into something that made you want to write something as glorious as this. Thank you so much for actually doing it!

AND POOJA IS SO AMAZING. I just… I love the potential of Padme’s nieces as characters. I bet they were amazing. <3 And I love the way you flesh out the Naberries. *gives them all some much-needed hugs*

Oh yes, and the way that this fic is predominantly female characters is lovely. That’s always a plus. :) (Mon Mothma was great. I loved her. And she’s totally enjoying the knowledge that Darth Vader sent an important message through flowers. :D )

I love Pooja’s assessment that Palpatine had never forgiven Padme for being a better person and not being as ambitious as he was. That’s great. :D

I love Leia and Pooja being friends (oh my gosh, they’re cousins and they don’t even know it and cousins who are good friends is a thing I love). And Leia being so gleeful about her bestie’s symbolic shenanigans is wonderful. (I just… it’s odd, maybe, but I just feel like Leia and Anakin are sort of besties—they have a lot that they share with each other that they can’t share with anyone else. They’re unknowingly biological father and daughter, basically adoptive father and daughter… and they’re besties. And that makes me so happy. :) )

“One day we’ll tell all the stories again. And we’ll have flowers.” —I LOVE THIS LINE.

I have to admit, I wouldn’t have thought that there could be a purge of Senators when the Senate is abolished, but it makes sense. And honestly, that part was truly scary in a way that I haven’t felt from any fics in a long time. Maybe because it was a little more real? Pooja’s amazing, but she’s not Force-sensitive and she doesn’t exactly have the Skywalker luck to get out of Situations. (Heck, maybe it even connected with some old recurring nightmares of mine subconsciously, now that I think about it.) That was genuinely scary. *shivers*

So thank goodness Anakin could give Pooja that message, and thank goodness Pooja and her handmaidens and her family got safely away! Here’s hoping she and Anakin saved a lot of lives!

Oh my goodness this comment is epic! :)

Anakin’s always had an awkward streak, but combined with the additional awkwardness of interacting with someone he hasn’t seen in years, who happens to think he’s dead and to be terrified of the person she thinks he is...and then on top of that the realization that, having determined she can indeed read the flower message, he has no idea where to take the conversation next.... Welp. Better to just nope on out of there.

(Also Darth Vader is frequently awkward in the movies and I feel like fandom doesn’t talk about that enough, so I’m on a quest to write awkward!Vader as often as possible.)

I’m glad you enjoyed all my Naberrie headcanons! I had lots of fun with them and I really need to write them more.

Mon Mothma was great. I loved her. And she’s totally enjoying the knowledge that Darth Vader sent an important message through flowers. :D

She so is. Honestly she’s probably hoping for The Reveal just so she can finally tell people this ridiculous but true story.

I love Pooja’s assessment that Palpatine had never forgiven Padme for being a better person and not being as ambitious as he was. That’s great. :D

Thanks! I suspect Pooja is right on the money, too, though of course she doesn’t know that Palpatine also has the joy of tormenting Anakin with his endless parties on the anniversary of Padme’s death. But I think he’d have done the same thing even without Anakin, because he really did hate Padme on her own account.

Pooja and Leia already having a pretty close friendship is going to make at least one part of The Reveal easier. And yeah, I think Leia and Anakin do see each other primarily as friends, with a father-daughter dynamic because it’s a friendship with that level of age gap. It’s not unlike the relationship between Shmi and Anakin, actually: a parent-child relationship that’s really a partnership, a relationship between equals. Leia calls Anakin her teacher, and he does consider her his student (though he’s never actually used that language), but the relationship doesn’t look anything like any teacher-student relationship in his experience. He’s not her master, and neither of them have ever called her his apprentice. He doesn’t give her orders. He doesn’t tell her not to ask questions. They’re friends.

My headcanon for this ‘verse is that the entire Senatorial contingent of the Rebellion got out before Palpatine dissolved the Senate, so this operation, at least, was a resounding success. :) And while Palps must think that someone tipped them off, it certainly couldn’t have been Vader, who was light years away chasing down Princess Leia above Tatooine, and who has always hated politicians anyway.

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esseastri · 7 years ago

Text

Megan Reads Oathbringer (part 7)

blerg, I wanted to hit page 500 in the last chunk o’ liveblog, but alas. We continue on. This book is just too dense, the liveblog posts are too long and I will continue to mention that in every one of these posts, ‘cause it’s wild just how much is in here!

Part 7 encompasses pages 476-557 (previous parts)

OOOOOOOH JASNAH POV!!!!

hey, her art bubble is the old Shallan art bubble. that’s...boring. why doesn’t she get her own?

I’m emotional about Taln forever and ever

Jasnah being paranoid about her safety and assassins and stuffing her ventilation shaft with cloths is...so... You don’t expect Jasnah to be scared, but here she is. It makes perfect sense--she got stabbed through the chest, of course she’s scared--but she’s so poised and in control, you just don’t expect it.

OMG Jasnah had back up files of her notes!!! That’s brilliant.

spanreeds are so cool

do we know which type of spren Ivory is? if we do I don’t remember.

just keep reading, Megan, they’ll tell you. Inkspren. ...of course.

also, I’d been wondering how Jasnah was “broken”--since all the Radiants are--and somehow I never expected childhood illness. that’s a logical breaking point, but I never even thought of it.

THERE WAS A JASNAH AND HOID’S MOST EXCELLENT ADVENTURE!!! THERE WAS!!! I’VE BEEN ROBBED!!!

but also, wtf did she learn, what did she learn from him. I’m guessing it’s the same thing the Stormfather refused to tell Dalinar... about all ten orders returning.

god, I really, really hope that my theory about them replacing the Heralds is wrong. I don’t want that. ..

(It’s a good theory though; the first new members of the ten orders all make a new Oathpact at the end of the fifth book. the back five are about their first time breaking and the first Desolation post-this one. It’s awful and I don’t want it, but you gotta admit, it’s an interesting theory, at least in a meta way.)

also I’m sad no one likes the honorspren. Syl is such a good. then again, she’s different than her peeps, she always says.

gaahhh, the Moash chapters are killing me every time I see that patchless shoulder I just die a lil bit inside

“Compared to bridge duty, this was paradise.” I’M CRYING??? This is so, so much the ‘I did that, so I can survive anything’ mentality and I’m cry.

okay, but can all of the Fused use all of the Surges? or do they all do different things? Do they have the equivalent of radiant orders?

(I’m going to be so excited if Moash gets a spren, but I feel like he maybe has to take responsibility for his actions first...)

aaahh Moash is taking the Kaladin route of “I don’t care about these people but storm it, I’m helping them anyway”.

OH SHIT Those are the ones who Kaladin helped, aren’t they... they brought “a false god” that was Kaladin shit shit shit they are getting punished for him. He would die if he knew, oh god.

AAAHH MOASH IS A GOOD “You’re becoming like us” Ohhhh goooddd yep. yep. wow. Be better. Do better. The theme of this book, and I love it. I LOVE MOASH AAHHH

punk!Dalinar not being allowed to fight is wild.

OOOHH THEY DIDN’T TELL HIM HE’S BEEN HURTING PEOPLE?? WHY!!!!?? YOU GOTTA TELL HIM HE’S DESTROYING PEOPLE’S LIVES BY BEING A BLACKOUT DRUNK AND FIGHTING PEOPLE

THAT’S NOT A GOOD THING AND HE SHOULD KNOW THAT

his name means “born unto light” oh my god that’s delightful oh my god

ohno. you should not send Dalinar back to war, u should keep him at home and maybe find him a therapist to talk to him about the Thrill...

FLYING KHOLINS AHOY!!

“something profoundly disconcerting about being out on the ocean” disconcerting? You’ve misspelled exciting.

They are holding hands while flying that’s adorable

I love that it’s “Elhokar’s team” when we all know Kaladin will end up in charge, much to Adolin’s chagrin...

No comment on what Dalinar’s hair looks like all windswept, obviously that means he’s been windswept into full greaser-style pompadour.

“shellheads” really? wtf. you didn’t call them that before. it’s only after they gain sentience that you give them derogatory nicknames?

High King Dalinar founding his own kingdom is wild to think about...

All of Navani’s scribes and engineers are so excitable. I love it.

Dalinar sneaking about without guards is nervewracking. Pls be safe, buddy.

“what else were important lighteyes going to do with unmotivated children?” Uuh...motivate them? Don’t just throw them aside to the church and expect them to drain resources by doing nothing for the rest of their lives? Find some way for them to be productive members of society? Why is this such a hard concept?

Fucking lighteyes

“He was RURAL Alethi he CAN’T be a HERALD” fuck off, Kadash. Kaladin is from a backwater and he’s a Radiant. And Taln wasn’t a king. We know this.

“No spiritual basis for rule” seems like a good thing to me...separation fo church and state and all that...

Something I’m not surprised that Vorinism sucks ass at caring for the mentally ill...

Yeah, ok, but who cut Taln’s wall from the outside? one of the other Heralds? Someone who still has their honorblade? Or some...Diagram/Ghostblood/SonofHonor mofo who realized before we did that Taln is a Herald? I’M CONCERNED FOR MY ANCIENT BROKEN SON

“Lately, he didn’t much like himself.” Noooooo, Moaaaashhh!! I still like you! A lot!!!

I am absolutely delighted that the Fused point their toes when they are flying. My synchronized swimming ass is just...DELIGHTED

“You don’t farm an apocalypse.” heheheh

The tavern is called the Fallen Tower? really? Dalinar’s army fell at the Tower... and Bridge Four saved them. really.

omg noooo noooooooooo no

nooo

nooooooooo

that’s

a lumberyard. and

ladderruns. that’s the same damn thing oh god

no, I don’t want this.

Let Moash Live 2k17

There’s a weird trend of swapping PoVs in the middle of a chapter. I’m not used to it.

“They acted like they owned her already.” I mean...they kinda do, Shallan. You kinda fucked up with them.

“without her having to remain at the meeting” hon, you are needed at the meetings for reasons other than your mapmaking skills??

“I am my own woman” teeeechnically, you’re...what, Taravangian’s subject now? Right, he’s in charge of Vedenar.

Evi deserves better than punk!Dalinar. Him yelling at her because she invaded his manly man-space is gross and he should stop

Navani just chilling with Evi and Ialai is wild. I legit can’t imagine them all getting along.

Also, I love that Renarin’s name is just a name. I love the convoluted meaning of nothing. it’s great.

Evi is a Good and she! deserves! better!

oh god babies

tiny, tiny babies

Evil flying chulls!! Tiny Adolin is too cute oh god

Just writing down that page 519 is the glyph alphabet. That’s important, you know. :)

NanKhet’s list of assassination attempts and then his like... banquet of executions. is some Greek mythology shit up in here. That’s #yikes

Pastry chef scholar man! I love it! I love that there aRE people in Vorin lands who don’t adhere to Vorinism’s gender roles, people who think gender roles are for squares.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend has waaay too many names. Nakku, Nalan, Nale. This is why I just still call him Hello Darkness.

“Did you misplace her?” One does not simply misplace Lift.

They keep talking about how Thaylen City was super wrecked by the Everstorm and that’s fair, but like...has anyone heard from Shin? Talk about being unprotected for a wrong-way highstorm...

Jasnah reflexively sucking in Stormlight the second Amaram appears in the doorway is Big Mood.

“Other than the fact that you are a detestable buffoon who acheives only the lowest level of mediocrity, as it is the best your limited mind can imagine? I can’t possibly think of a reason.” GOD FUCKING BLESS.

“Give me an excuse. I dare you.” BIGGEST MOOD EVER OH MY GOD

yeah, you run away. fucker.

“The Windrunner” “the flying bridgeman” “brightlord broodingeyes” HE HAS A NAME, LADIES. He has a name.

I’m super tired of everyone--especially Jasnah--underestimating and disregarding Renarin.

And then he goes and does COOL SHIT LIKE FIND THE RESONATING LIBRARY!!!!??

Also, Jasnah can infuse gems with light? wacky fun.

oohh LIghtweaving isn’t just light it’s “and various waveforms” Renarin’s LIghtweaving is super different from Shallan’s isn’t it!!? I can’t want to see MOAR SURGES

Nooooo, Moash.... you gotta do the Kaladin thing! You can’t let go! Look at you, you are already helping the people he helped. You can’t stop yourself any more than he could. You’re not here to let go. You’re here to remember how to care.

Moash bby, I know you are prone to stupid decisions, but please...please don’t do anything stupid...

.........like that.

okay, creepy flying in charge lady. is creepy.

Okay, teaching the parshmen how to spear is good? sort of? from a certain point of view.

Ooooh Rlain pov!!! That’s new and interesting.

you know why is he here? How did he not get eaten by the first Everstorm?

HECK YE ALL FIVE LADY SCOUT WINDRUNNER SQUIRES HEEECKKK YYESSSSS

THEMS MY GIRLS

“He loved them because they did try.” Aaaahhhhh

“That’s like...extra manly.” I’m not sure that’s how being gay works, but I’ma roll with it. :D

“I guess it’s just a thing men say. Can you tell me how it feels?” “I can try.” KALADIN IS A GOOD WHO IS TRYING VERY HARD AND RLAIN IS ALSO A GOOD WHO IS TRYING VERY HARD AND I’M EMOTIONAL

I am so glad they are Trying Together.

That is an interesting question...did the magic stagnate them? stop people from being interested in finding non-magic ways of doing things? not just steel, but like...idk, indoor plumbing and better ways of farming, or anything that a Soulcaster can do. Why would you need better ways when you have the magic way?

It’s a very Harry Potter Wizard Wolrd mentality, tbh.

Oh shit, the Recreance was 2k years AFTER the Heralds bugged out and broke the Oathpact? That’s a long time for them to keep going without their leaders? and then to suddenly stop after all that time? whyyyy

what did they learn? about their spren? Jasnah knows.

Oh no!!!

nooo

he can hear the spren dying!!!???? OH NOOO

OH SNAP

WHAT

UM??? WHAT

THE FUCK?

HOW DID HE HACK DALINAR’S VISION?? WHERE DID HE COME FROM? HOW DID HE GET HERE? HOW DANGEROUS IS HE IN THIS FORM? HOW IS HE HERE?

WHAT

HAPPENING

god, how many times did Dalinar rely on the Thrill? that’s got to leave some kind of bond, some connection. Something Odium can exploit.

God, it’s still really weird to think of Odium--the bad guy--as light, gold, white. it’s refreshing, but also wtf

Ah, fuck off, you’re not a god. The Shardholders are not gods. They’re just dudes with extra powerful magic. Ask Sazed.

God, okay, the STormfather is so. scared. wtf.

Oooohh, he hasn’t gotten Cultivation yet. She’s hidden and he’s bound--not very well if he’s here now, but still.

Can she help us?

Why does he...have to kill people? Is it because he’s the avatar of hatred of something else?

...interesting. Passion.

..........interesting that the Thaylens worship the Passions.

Also, I resent that if he’s All Sorts of Emotion/Passion, there’s the implication that all emotion eventually leads to violence, and I RESENT THAT SO HARD

oh snap, Cultivation is the Nightwatcher? What? I did not expect that...

goes further to the None of the Three Shards Are Good or Bad

though Odium might be lying...

what the shit

was that the Odium hell planet?

Did....did Lift just... scare him away?

I’m increaingly thinking shes got a bit of Cultivation in her. She’s not just a kiddo, and not just a Radiant, there’s something funky going on with her, and I think it’s something powerful enough to scare Odium.. hm...

EEEEYYYYY END PART TWO!!!!!

eww gross, Taravangian AND Venli? Bad interludes are bad. Where’s Szeth? I miss him.

#op #Megan reads OB #Oathbringer spoilers #I was sick so I missed a few days of reading whoops #and then I was on a plane #and as we all know from previous experience some of my best liveblogging is done on planes :D #Stormlight Archive #Oathbringer #Brandon Sanderson

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selfsustainability-blog · 6 years ago

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[24/10/2018, 18:47:33] donSELZ: so taking care of yourself enough that you are able to take cate of others [24/10/2018, 18:47:42] donSELZ: care* [24/10/2018, 18:49:12] Ella: Yeah kind of But I don’t think take care is the right wording but it’s along those lines I just don’t know the right words now ahah [24/10/2018, 18:49:51] donSELZ: yea, it's just cause what we are talking about is essentially self care [24/10/2018, 18:50:25] donSELZ: and the idea that we have to take care of our own situation before we are able to extend ourselves to others [24/10/2018, 18:50:46] Ella: Yeah [24/10/2018, 18:51:45] donSELZ: i remember Jihye was talking about how that might be seen as selfish/unkind and not wanting to compromise being the compassionate person that she wants to be/is [24/10/2018, 18:52:34] donSELZ: but we shouldnt be compassionate to other people at the expense of our selves [24/10/2018, 18:52:57] donSELZ: we have to be compassionate and kind to ourselves first [24/10/2018, 18:53:32] donSELZ: but also just as much as we should be kind and compassionate to others [24/10/2018, 18:54:35] Ella: Yes and I think when I say take care of others it’s more of a help others be self sustaining so helping them find the tools and stuff that work for them that help them be self sustaining [24/10/2018, 18:54:49] Ella: Mentally and physically [24/10/2018, 18:54:52] donSELZ: yeah, i fot thT [24/10/2018, 18:54:54] donSELZ: that* [24/10/2018, 18:54:57] donSELZ: got* [24/10/2018, 18:55:09] Ella: Okay cool I think that is better working than take care [24/10/2018, 18:55:19] donSELZ: okie doke [24/10/2018, 18:55:26] Ella: Wording [24/10/2018, 18:55:28] donSELZ: i use care because even though that is specific to you [24/10/2018, 18:55:56] donSELZ: care is more general so it includes and relates to what everyone in the group is talking about [24/10/2018, 18:56:09] Ella: Ahh yeah that makes sense [24/10/2018, 18:57:24] Ella: And I think the potential unkindness of being selfish is a real fear/anxiety of many people [24/10/2018, 18:58:44] Ella: I guess that there are ways to counteract it in life where you try and communicate with people around you as best you can so that they understand and don’t just think you are being mean. And it’s a shift in perception. If you have been brought up with the idea that selfishness is bad it’s a difficult thing to pivot your thinking around [24/10/2018, 19:00:12] donSELZ: yeah it's hard to change your mindset because you see how people react to you when you take away your hand inorder to help yourself up first [24/10/2018, 19:00:34] donSELZ: and seeing how people react makes you question yourself [24/10/2018, 19:00:48] Ella: Yeah it’s uncomfortable [24/10/2018, 19:01:00] donSELZ: even though your wanting to protect yourself first is right [24/10/2018, 19:02:24] donSELZ: but yeah it is uncomfortable which makes it harder to internalise the idea that caring for yourself first is a good thing and a really important thing [24/10/2018, 19:05:26] Joy: Its kinda the starting point of my study. It can told as 'unconscious anxiety I feel as associating with people' and ' having emotional security as being a selfless but selfish person' [24/10/2018, 19:06:19] Ella: I think there is also a really interesting aspect which is narcissism and certain aspects of care is celebrated. Such as financial success but your mental health isn’t. Just look at the amount of you tubers and other social media type people who are loved/revered and they are selfish people. (They are also disliked) [24/10/2018, 19:06:29] Joy: Omg your idea helped me a lot to get through the part I was struggling with. i will upload my idea as soon as possible. Im adjusting it now. [24/10/2018, 19:06:39] donSELZ: wooo [24/10/2018, 19:06:58] Ella: Okay cool 😀 looking forward to reading it x [24/10/2018, 19:07:42] Joy: Yh it suggests another way of interpretation on the term but relevant to it I guess [24/10/2018, 19:07:56] Joy: 😍 [24/10/2018, 19:09:50] donSELZ: selfish means "lacking consideration for other people, concerned mainly with one's own profit or pleasure" [24/10/2018, 19:10:20] donSELZ: but what you guys are describing is not about lacking consideration for other people at all [24/10/2018, 19:10:41] Ella: Yeah so it’s more like perceived selfishness rather than actual selfishness [24/10/2018, 19:10:59] donSELZ: youre talking about caring for yourself but why does that automatically mean you dont care about other people [24/10/2018, 19:11:07] donSELZ: it's not a this or that thing [24/10/2018, 19:11:24] donSELZ: they can co exist [24/10/2018, 19:12:15] donSELZ: yeah it is perceived selfishness, but yeah that's why i prefer using the words self preservation [24/10/2018, 19:15:07] Ella: Okay yeah that makes sense

I guess because of the culture we have been brought up in it’s a binary and you are one or the other so to occupy two things that is slightly contradictory on the surface is hard for people to wrap their heads round [24/10/2018, 19:15:32] donSELZ: yesss i love this, we're relating to risk group [24/10/2018, 19:15:45] donSELZ: i wrote a bit about it in my essay - the binary [24/10/2018, 19:15:54] Ella: Ahh cool! [24/10/2018, 19:15:55] Joy: Thats the part I donno how to deal with. Bascially selfishness has a negative idea basing on social term. But i guess we all dont take it negatively including me. The point being is i wanna say being selfish in a certain level isnt a harm in community but there is a fine line between being selfish or being self-centred(not sure if it is a positive way of saying selfish person) person [24/10/2018, 19:15:59] donSELZ: i will copy and paste here [24/10/2018, 19:16:37] donSELZ: yeah i understand that, and i dont see it as negative in the way that you are using it at all [24/10/2018, 19:17:04] donSELZ: but because when you look up what the word selfish means [24/10/2018, 19:18:31] Joy: Yhh i just think that when we have a talk with people, it will be essential to explain about how we define selfishness in our theory X [24/10/2018, 19:19:16] donSELZ: i think i the word selfish is bound to be negative because what we are describing doesnt mean what the dictionary says selfish means [24/10/2018, 19:19:22] Ella: Yes I think that is a good idea and then coming up with a couple of key questions that we would find helpful to discuss [24/10/2018, 19:20:27] Joy: Yh ture. [24/10/2018, 19:20:30] donSELZ: what we are talking about is self preservation, which we can say is a type of selfishness that doesnt negate caring for others [24/10/2018, 19:20:42] donSELZ: from my works in the past i used this quote a lot "Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare" [24/10/2018, 19:20:53] donSELZ: by Audre Lorde [24/10/2018, 19:21:15] Ella: Andre lorde is a boss!!! [24/10/2018, 19:21:29] donSELZ: which helped me a looot with the ideas around caring for myself and not feeling like that makes me a self centred type of selfish person [24/10/2018, 19:21:41] Joy: Fab. I will look for Audre Lorde!! [24/10/2018, 19:21:48] donSELZ: awesome [24/10/2018, 19:26:56] donSELZ: “the binary femininity/masculinity also supports other binaries by making them appear natural or legitimate as well. Other binaries that follow from our examples might read as follows: home/work, private/public, and passive/active. In each of these binaries, the first of the pair is gendered feminine while the second is gendered masculine” – (pg. 2, French and Bliss 2006) [24/10/2018, 19:27:35] Ella: I feel like I have seen this quote somewhere before [24/10/2018, 19:27:44] donSELZ: lool well you read my essay [24/10/2018, 19:27:47] donSELZ: so it might be that [24/10/2018, 19:27:48] donSELZ: hahaha [24/10/2018, 19:27:50] Ella: Ahh yeah hahahah [24/10/2018, 19:27:54] Ella: 😂😂 [24/10/2018, 19:28:14] donSELZ: this is what i wrote about:

Often, self-care is seen as a private act that only stays internal. However true self-care naturally externalises itself often. Self-care is an intimate act with yourself that then affects the you outside of yourself. It swims back and forth between the ‘public’ and the ‘private’, but this is not always realised. It is bound by the traditions of the binary that we see our world in; derived from the gender binary of man or woman, and so we also see self-care in the binary of either public or private, but like gender the public and private also exist on a spectrum. [24/10/2018, 19:28:15] Ella: No I think it might of also been referenced in a book about metaphors that I have [24/10/2018, 19:28:27] donSELZ: hahahah yeah probably [24/10/2018, 19:28:43] donSELZ: ohhhh hahah was it the book you borrowed me this summer [24/10/2018, 19:28:51] Ella: Yeah ahah [24/10/2018, 19:31:32] Joy: Loool it seems like its my turn😂😂😂 i am still writing....sorry.. give me 5mins guys X [24/10/2018, 19:31:46] Ella: Haha it’s cool take ya time x [24/10/2018, 19:32:01] donSELZ: 😂😂😂❤ [24/10/2018, 19:47:37] Saamiyah: I think for me, the way I’m thinking of it is being selfish in some aspects of my life like only doing thing that may only benefit me. [24/10/2018, 19:48:35] Ella: Like what [24/10/2018, 19:54:37] Joy: Self-sustainability and Selfishness or Selflessness

My study mainly looks at being self-sustainable in regards to individual acts in society. Living in society requires us to adapt ourselves in an environment and live interactively with elements surrounding us, such as social life, cultures, regulations, and so on. When it comes to dwelling in a community, we easily find ourselves following the flow of society and hard to assert ourselves due to the care of how to be perceived and considerate attitude towards others. This tendency has existed since the first time human start to live collectively and reciprocally; it results in the concept of natural attitude to associating with environments. What is the natural attitude in the context? The term can be explained as the attitude (tendency) generally making a beneficial consequence to everyone. We have been learnt to be kind and selfless to people is essential, which causes resistance to selfishness and taking the word negatively. Besides, as there is a guideline of attitude to assimilate society, the unconscious anxiety of making a decision on an individual's action deeply place in their mind. [24/10/2018, 19:54:57] Joy: I havent finished it but i realised my 5mins was too long loooool [24/10/2018, 19:55:34] Joy: Please understand my grammartic errors 😂😂 [24/10/2018, 20:00:45] Ella: Ahah it’s all good.

So looking at the fear around becoming self sustainable and te perceived selfishness that entails whilst also adapting and navigating all the other human experiences of culture, relationships, law etc [24/10/2018, 20:02:03] Ella: @447473131379 can you elaborate on what you were saying? [24/10/2018, 20:07:06] Saamiyah: I think what I’m trying to say is that because I was bought up and live in a world where we have to constantly think of helping others, that when I want to do something they may only benefit me or saying “no”to people whether it be family or friends, it’s seen as a negative thing. So I want to explore the idea of doing things/saying “no” that may only benefit me (I don’t know what) [24/10/2018, 20:07:20] Saamiyah: Without feeling guilty [24/10/2018, 20:08:46] Joy: Exactly! [24/10/2018, 20:21:23] donSELZ: this relates so much to what im looking at! [24/10/2018, 20:23:08] donSELZ: that unconscious anxiety is what manifests the "looking glass self" [24/10/2018, 20:23:58] donSELZ: the looking glass self states that our self-views form as a result of our perceptions of other people’s opinions of us [24/10/2018, 20:25:19] donSELZ: and that unconscious anxiety of being seen as selfish starts to manifest in our minds as a "truth" even though it is not true at all [24/10/2018, 20:26:09] donSELZ: because of the hyper awareness because of the unconscious anxiety of how people might perceive it we can start to believe that about ourselves which becomes unhealthy [24/10/2018, 20:26:28] donSELZ: the guilt becomes unhealthy [24/10/2018, 20:36:00] Joy: It summarises what i want to say!👍 [24/10/2018, 20:38:42] donSELZ: :D

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2centsofsilver · 7 years ago

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12/4/17 - U of M

I'm here today. Sitting on the futon at CAPS. I'm waiting for a massage chair. I just high-tailed it like a mad woman out of the SSW. Kathryn Irish walked out the front entrance with me while I looked straight ahead. "I'm just gonna look straight ahead," I said "Not looking at anybody." "I do that too sometimes," she said. I gulped. We opened the door, passed through the upstairs commons, infiltrated with students in chairs. I looked ahead and then downward. Who recognized me? Surely they knew me.

We walked out the front door. We thanked each other for meeting and then we split. I high-tailed it down South University, faster than normal, because my heartbeat was pounding. "Who can see me? I hope they saw me with Kathryn Irish. I hope they didn't see me. I hope they're watching."

I walked fast, harder, harder. I had my stomach sucked in, flaunting my black feather Carly, teal Lindsey, and black scarf. I had done my makeup extra beautiful and straightened my newly colored hair dyed pink, red, orange, and purple. I had my hippie purse swung over my left shoulder, carrying my black winter coat in my left arm, laptop bag swung over left shoulder. No sunglasses today - facing the sun with pride.

Approaching the Law School, I look to my right. Along the sidewalk near the Art Museum, I see a bright green coat. They're walking with someone. "Anyone could have that coat," I tell myself. "Could be anyone."

They're walking across the pedestrian crosswalk of State St, turning into South U, same side of the road I'm on. She's walking with an African American girl. Green coat and Jahda. I was right. Savannah and Jahda. "What are you going to do?" I thought. "This is good," I thought. "All you wanted was for her to see you, run into you, see you doing well and thriving," I thought. "We're just gonna take it as it comes."

I look up, surely they see me. I look down toward my phone. Start randomly swiping. They are closer. I look up. They're smiling, so I smile. "This may be okay," I said to myself. "Savannah's smiling at me even though she's not talking to me."

"Hi Friend!" Jahda calls out. "Heyyyy!" I said, still walking with Katie-Class. We all come to a slowed halt.

"I like your hair!" Jahda yells. That made me feel good. "Thanks!" I smiled. I glanced at them both. Jahda was talking and I didn't mean to, but my panic started inadvertently toning her out. "What do I do?" I thought. Big frog in throat. Gulping. Dry throat. Can't swallow.

"Savannah."

She looks up at me, sincerely.

"Can we talk."

She's looking at me.

"Please."

She's looking at me.

"I'll send you a message," she says.

I look at her, never dropping eye contact.

"In person," I say. "Please."

It was like my world, everything going on around the outside world had froze. I wasn't breathing. I was looking at her, hoping. Praying.

She looked away, up, and around, thinking, pondering, giving in.

"I'll send you a message about scheduling a time to meet."

BOOM.

Glory!

I smiled. "Ok!" I said. I was radiating.

I put up my hands, slowly nodded, pausing the conversation briefly -

".... At, your, own, convenience. Your own space. I know you're busy."

"I'm so busy," she said. "This time in the semester, everything is crazy right now..."

"I know. I know. Everyone, is telling me all about it. I know."

There was a pause. I looked at them both. I can't remember if anything more was said. I began starting to get ready to walk again, shuffled my stuff. They started walking a few steps too. I turned around.

Like old times, I go, "I just met with Kathryn Irish!" Savannah gave me a look. Her usual look. That look we both share for Kathryn Irish like, "Wtf. Oh god."

"For 2 hours!" I shout.

Intensified look. Mouth open, rolling her eyes.

I think we all said bye and maybe, "We'll talk soon."

I continued to high-tail it. I was happy, yet distressed, knowing there's still a high chance to receive a message like, "Listen Katie. I don't think it's a good idea to talk in person. I think you're a great person, but we need to be done."

I also knew that her wanting to originally message would ABSOLUTELY yield that. But I hope she's willing to give me a chance.

I was crying in my car on the way here; well, on the way to the park-and-ride; over messages received this morning from someone else, after staying up till midnight writing an amazing letter and sending it in faith.

I talked to Rachel till nearly 2-3am. She asked if I've ever considered CoDa - Codependents Anonymous. I said I hadn't heard of it. We talked about my recent C-PTSD diagnosis and how it overlaps with codependency. I asked her how she could tell so immediately, after only brief sharing of information, that I suffered from codependency.

"I'm very perceptive," she said. "And I know a lot of people who went through the program. I'm also on the empath spectrum."

I got so excited!

"Omgggg, same here. Are you a psychic empath? I was going to ask you that earlier; I could tell. I am too."

"No I'm not. I've honestly never heard the term."

"Empath? Spiritual Empath?"

"No, Psychic Empath."

"Same thing, really. There's a really good article or 2 out there, I'll find them. The psychic part sounds crazy maybe. Idk. Depends what interests you and what you're open to. Spiritual empath is a better term. More comfortable.

I'll find them and send them to you. Basically being able to sense how others are feeling or feeling as if you know others well upon first encounter. If you google 'signs you're an empath' you'll have some good finds."

"I'll look into it," she said.

I asked her whether CoDa was religiously/spiritually oriented.

"Oh yeah, there’s tons.

"Yes, it’s a spiritual program. Whether that’s religion, and a certain god or deity, or just something greater than you like nature or the group."

"Ohhhh okay," I said. "I have a really strong spiritual connection to nature, but I'm not really connected to a god or deity. I'm not religious so I wondered whether it would involve turning away from depending on others and depending on god.

I have a spiritual connection to nature and then also loved ones in heaven.

I mean, I guess you could also say I turn to 'the universe.'"

"So my higher power is the spirit of the universe. I say God for short. It's very similar."

"That's awesome," I said. "Sounds peaceful."

"Knowing I’m not in control.. yeah, it is 😊"

"Interesting. I haven't explored spirituality very much. That's a larger than life concept though for sure. I feel like it would take me a long time to grasp that. I'm interested in exploring Buddhism."

"It's worth it," she said.

At 12 noon today, I met Rachel outside the SSW. She missed her morning class, but still met me at noon. We went off to the side and stood. I was nervous. It was the first time I'd seen her since she told me we could have sex.

She told me she couldn't sleep last night with the GOP Tax Plan, and thus decided to miss class. She began vaping, and we talked about the tax plan.

Alyssa showed up and began walking over. I quickly mentioned to Rachel, "So I sorta arranged this with 2 different people in case someone forgot..." Rachel laughed.

"This is Rachel, this is Alyssa," I introduced them to each other. We all talked a bit. "I'm so nervous!" I said.

"Awww you'll be fine. You can do it," said Alyssa.

"Did you meditate?" asked Rachel.

I sorta laughed.

"No, I didn't have time to meditate before this or last night.."

She laughed.

"You ready?" they asked.

"Um, yeah, so like, what should we do? What do you wanna do?"

"It doesn't matter," they both said.

"It's up to you," I said. "Should we all go up?"

"Yeah! Let's all go up," they said. "It's gonna be okay!

"Can we take the elevator? I'm not climbing steps," I said. They laughed. We opened the door. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed the highly infiltrated upper level commons. I hoped someone I know would notice me, supported on both sides, by friends. One- a girl I almost had sex with. The other, a new friend. Both supporting me. I was safe.

We walked toward the elevator, stepped inside. It went down first, then back up to 2. The doors got stuck and wouldn't open. "Omg this is my worst nightmare coming true," Alyssa said.

"Should we go up to 3 and then down the stairs?" someone asked.

"Let's try it again," both Rachel and I said.

It worked that time. I read the office number, 2764, from the email. Rachel led the way. "It's so confusing up here," said Alyssa. "I know," I said, "Easy to get lost."

Rachel found it Nd immediately popped her head in.

"Oh, hi!" exclaimed Kathryn.

"I'm sorry I wasn't in class. I couldn't sleep last night with the GOP Tax Plan," said Rachel.

Kathryn was super intrigued and understanding. I then hugged Rachel and said thank you. I hugged Alyssa, said thank you. "You're gonna be fine," they both said. We said goodbye. I walked in.

"Hi!" I exclaimed.

"Hi! Omg! It's so great to see you!" exclaimed Kathryn.

( TBC. )

---

5:08 PM = Saw Savannah outside SSW. I was approaching yet again and didn't know what to do. I already saw her once. I miss her so much. I just. I felt compelled to approach her. I had nothing to say, but had just spent the last 3 hours struggling through somatic trauma in Michigan Union.

"Savannah."

Didn't hear me.

"Savannah."

Didn't hear me.

"Savannah."

She turned around, just sorta looking at me. I stumbled.

"Um. Sorry. I just thought I would say hi. Because I was walking past you."

"Hi," she said. "What have you been up to?"

"Um. I had a meeting with Kirish today for a few hours."

She nodded.

I looked down. My voice was shaking and I was ready to cry.

"And um. Then I went to CAPS."

I looked up at her.

She was nodding and smiling like she genuinely cared maybe.

"And that's about it," I said. She nodded supportively and then was looking all around, car to car, in a hurry, saying "That's actually my uber, so I gotta go," (pointing and rushing), "But um, I'll get a hold of you when I have some free time from school and everything." "Yeah, okay, sounds good." And she went and caught her uber. I was frazzled and in a state of episodic shock having approached her without a purpose. I immediately got very depressed after that. I crossed the road. I couldn't go back behind me because Rachel was out there. She may have seen the whole thing. Alyssa and Erin had to have been out there. At least 3 separate 521/511 classes had just let out. All FLO members were there for the meeting which evidently was cancelled (reason why I was headed that way). For all I know, Kathryn Irish could have been out there. Max, easily. Brendon, Erica, Shelby, Erin, Alyssa, Rachel, Autumn, Amanda, Mitch, Kari, Danny, I'm sure they were all out there. I saw Haley!!! She was on the phone, but we both said hi. That was so nice. I miss her. I came that way knowing FLO had cancelled, but I wanted to be amidst it all. I wanted to feel a part of it all. I also did not want anyone to see me. After that, I didn't know which way to turn. Couldn't look behind me at all those potential people. Almost went to Espresso Royale, but didn't WANT coffee. Could have hit the diag, but WHY?? Could have gone to Gamma, but already established with Tyler I had no reason to. I was trapped. It occurred to me maybe she thought I went to CAPS to see a therapist, especially after receiving Max's letter. How much did she know????? Did she know they deleted me on FB? Was she apart of that decision? Did she support it? Does she want to do it too? Will she? Did she know I replied to their letter and send it last night? Had she read Max's letter? Did she read mine? Did she know Max and I communicated this morning? Did she know I still talk to Rachel? Did she know about Portland? Does she know how much this hurts? I ended up just walking back around like a moron, actually following her, but way behind, maintained a distance. She got into her uber, it took off, and I continued walking with blisters to the bus stop by the libraries I saw Autumn and stopped. I missed two 62's in a row. We talked about how things have been going. I was extremely distracted and anxious. She got on her bus and I walked back to the actual stop. I waited a while then realized I didn't want to stand on a crowded bus, so I walked BACK to the Union and waited for the next one. I cried very softly. Held myself. When my bus came, I got on and cried a little more. I stared into space after that and went away for the rest of the ride. By the time we got around to the libraries, we were packed. But my feet hurt from these boots. And I have a hole in my sock rubbing my foot raw on Central Campus. Now I'm in my car and have been for a half hour writing this in the State St. P&R lot. I'm about to head home and blog some more. I'm trying to tell myself I'm proud because had I not gone today, I never would have bravely approached Savannah. She knows I struggle. I'm sure she sensed anxiety and shame on that second encounter and she is genuine. I like to think she still cares even when mad at me. So I'm not too worried about her still thinking about this as deeply and thoroughly as I still am. It affected me strongly. I think it's what Amy calls a flashback maybe. I'm proud of myself for openly putting myself through the depression and fear involved in the day. I'm proud of meeting with Rachel, Alyssa, and Kathryn. I'm proud of myself for the winter of 2005, spring 2006, summer 2007, fall 2007, all of 2008, all of 2009, summer 2010, fall 2010, summer 2011, fall 2011, Western, summer 2013, fall 2014, spring 2015, spring 2016, fall 2016, summer 2017, fall 2017, and now.

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