#i remember really enjoying 4 & 5 previously but i think i'm well rested enough on the rewatch to be like. these writers. chickenshit

[darkfinch]

for any fellow lethal weapon witnessers: from what i can tell, episodes 123 are viewable-if-not-great media, 456 are [deep ominous silence], 789 are varying levels of watchable to surprisingly very enjoyable

i sit on the precipice of starting another trio of episodes with such fear and concern in my heart

[bakusquadup]

(omg i hit send accidentally!!! I'm so sorry!!) hi!! i noticed your writing's incredibly good and i couldn't help myself from requesting! i was wondering if it was okay to ask for a scenario of bakugou's s/o being insecure of how great uraraka and him are getting along and just overall really insecure about her?? and one day she misunderstands something she sees going on between them? and she becomes a zombie (+)

Hey friend! I’ve been planning to answer this ask for awhile now because GOD I LOVE ANGST. Fluff is great, but I thrive off angst, so I’m excited to write this. Also, I deleted the first message you sent awhile ago because it was cut short, so I don’t even remember if you accidentally did it off-anon anyway! Anyway, enjoy! (It’s about 2.5k, so it’s more fic length than drabble)

-Shelley

Bakugou Katsuki

“Don’t think you’ll get away with that next time, Round Face.” You rounded the hallway corner to overhear your boyfriend intimidating Uraraka; except, he didn’t sound threatening in the way he usually did, voice loud and coarse with a handful of curses thrown in. Instead, Bakugou spoke in a goading, playful manner. You felt your chest clench in protest and your muscles tighten in fear, but you fought off the jealousy, knowing it was completely unnecessary. Bakugou cared about you and Uraraka was your friend. They’d never do anything to hurt you. Your anxiety could just shove it.

You’d been resisting your jealousy over Uraraka for a few months now. Once second year started, the two had gotten much friendlier than first year, actually capable of holding continuous conversations without yelling – a feat for Bakugou with anyone. Once the sports festival passed, the two became obsessed with rematches and you felt that there wasn’t any room for you to fit in the middle of their relationship. You worried Bakugou was pulling away from you as well.

“Hmmmm,” Uraraka hummed to herself. “I’m pretty sure I will.” She giggled and spun around on her heel, leaving Bakugou to sputter a few words of disagreement before she was gone. He shook his head slightly.

“Katsuki!” you called out, walking toward your boyfriend. He turned to you, slanted grin leftover on his face from speaking with Uraraka. Your chest tightened again. “What were you two talking about?” You did your best to smile warmly and angled your head slightly in curiosity.

“Oh,” he paused, “nothing. Just something about training.” Hoping that he would explain further, you raised a brow. He opened his mouth for a moment, considering, but then closed it again, like a fish gulping water. His eyes darted up to the clock behind you. “Shit! We’re going to be late!” He snatched your hand from beside your thigh. He ran down the hallway and you stumbled after him. Guess that was all you were going to hear on the subject. It was probably nothing.

No, you trusted Bakugou; it was definitely nothing.

Later that day, you meandered down the hallway, heading back from Recovery Girl after receiving minimal injuries in training. The school was mostly empty as everyone had gone back to the dorms for the night. The late afternoon sun streamed through the windows, a golden glow being cast into your eyes and distorting your vision in a butterscotch hue. Still, it was warm, so you walked slowly. You had an exhausting day and fatigue was creeping up on you to begin with, the sun pulling it out faster than before.

“I don’t know how to say it.” Your boyfriend’s voice ripped you from your daze. “I just…I’ve never said it to anyone before.” You slowed to a crawl, sneaking toward the open door where the voice was coming from, quiet so as not to give yourself away. What was he talking about? And to whom?

“It’s okay.” Uraraka’s voice. There was the tightness in your chest again. You shook your head, attempt to expel the negative thoughts, but remained hidden outside the door, hoping to hear something that quelled your anxieties. From inside the room, you could hear Bakugou side.

“Okay, okay…fuck, I can do this,” he muttered. “Here goes.” A long stretch of silence. “I love you.”

Your stomach dropped. Your hearing went fuzzy as your mind went blank and the ringing drowned out any thoughts you may have had. You didn’t think. You couldn’t. Instead, you walked your numb body out of the building.

When you pushed the doors open, the sun which had previously felt warm and comfortable, was now harsh and blinding. The sounds of cars racing by and students milling about sounded loud and grating, yet simultaneously muffled by your buzzing ears. Suppressing your desire to cry, you shuffled your way back to the dorm.

Once in your room, you slinked your way to bed, fell face-first into the pillows and screamed. Not a real scream, but the kind of scream one does when they need to cry, but the tears won’t come out. The hoarse, choked scream that could only be heard by those listening very closely.

You rotated between crying, the hoarse screaming, angrily forming texts to Bakugou, and watching TV shows in an attempt to distract yourself. It wasn’t until just before two in the morning that you managed to finally sleep, having not been productive all night.

You awoke to find yourself still wearing your clothes from yesterday, your blanket and sheets on the floor, and your head twisted at an uncomfortable angle atop your pillow. Sitting up, you put your hand to the back of your neck and rolled your head around in an attempt to prevent further discomfort. While doing so, you caught sight of your clock from across the room. 4:15. After all the drama last night, the crying, the stress, the obsessively writing and rewriting – and eventually deleting – angry texts to Bakugou, you had been hoping you would be able to stay in bed late. Two and a half hours was hardly a full night’s rest.

Might as well use the time you had. You knew that sitting around trying to fall back asleep wouldn’t do you any good because you would just wind up thinking back to yesterday. You wanted a distraction for now.

Throwing your legs over the side of the bed, you felt the full weight of your fatigue as your creaky limbs settled back in place and your shaky lungs struggled to breathe normally. You stumbled about in the dark over to your dresser, pulling out a pair of joggers, a sports bra, and a long-sleeved t-shirt. Hopefully, that would be warm enough for the weather. You put the clothes on and snagged your phone and earbuds from your desk, heading out.

As you walked down the hallway, you were careful to move as quietly as possible – partially because you didn’t want to wake anyone, partially because it was late and you weren’t supposed to be leaving the dorm in the first place. You slipped down the stairs, swiveling your head as you went, just to be safe, but soon found yourself standing in the chilly morning air.

The moon had already set for the night, so the sky was pitch black, an expanse of inky abyss with the occasional light spot of the stars. It was cold – colder than you had anticipated – but you weren’t going back in for a jacket. You figured that the jog would warm you up, so you put in your headphones, queued up your exercise playlist, and cranked the volume way up. You bounced on the balls of your feet, then set out. No better way to fight off negative emotions than loud music and endorphins, right?

A little after 5, your phone buzzed.

You paused for a moment, leaning onto a tree and pulling it out of your pocket. Your breathing froze for a moment when you saw the text.

Bakugou Katsuki: I know it’s fucking early, but are you up? Thought you seemed weird last night, are you good now?

Something about seeing his name on the screen just made you lose it all over again. A sob welled up in your throat and you had to fall to the ground, nails digging into the crown of your head. You ripped your headphones from your ears, suddenly unable to stand the upbeat music. You sat there and you cried.

A week later and your routine had remained pretty consistent – maybe not healthy, but consistent. You had class, anxiously stressed about Bakugou, went to bed too late, woke up too early, went for a run before everyone else woke up, took a shower, did what homework you could manage, then stared blankly at the wall until class. Rinse and repeat. All while avoided both Uraraka and Bakugou, too afraid to hear what they had to say.

That Thursday, your class was set to do a battle-royale style training session. Every student for themselves, the goal is to be the last student standing. People get out by having their bandanas stolen – similar to flag football, or the like – that they must keep on their person. It had been announced a few weeks ago and you had been excited for it, but you weren’t particularly excited about anything the past week. You were mostly floating through the school day.

Still, you decided that you would go all-out. Running seemed to be a mostly effective distraction method, so a training session would probably be the same. You just had to ensure you stayed away from Bakugou and Uraraka.

“Everyone has five minutes to find a place to start,” Present Mic stood in front of the class in the training arena. Everyone was dressed in their hero costumes and chattering excitedly to each other. “Remember, that anytime you take someone’s bandana, you must tie it to yourself somewhere and others may also steal that one from you. Any bandana stolen is an out. If you get out, return here.” You glanced away from the hero for a splint second to look at Bakugou who was on the other side of the pack. Noticing her was looking straight at you, you averted your gaze back to Present Mic. Bakugou would most definitely be angry about that, but you weren’t up for interacting with him just yet. “On your marks…” You prepped yourself to make a run for it. “Get set…” Knees bent, ready to go. “Go!” Everyone raced off in different direction. You chose to head toward a large building, give yourself room to blend in and sneak around. It would give you more opportunities to activate your quirk.

Once inside, you tucked yourself just beyond the entryway, ready to reach out and touch any passersby. After a few minutes, Kaminari darted by and you managed to graze his shoulder with your fingertips. Snapping, you activated your quirk. Kaminari froze, then spun around a few times, disoriented. Your quirk deprived a person of all their senses. The only requirement to activate it was that the person be touched first. The effects wore off depending on how much of them you touched and for how long, though.

“[Y/N]!” he yelled at full-volume. “That’s not fair!” Walking up behind him, you grabbed his bandana and snapped again to undo your quirk. He pulled back, surprised by your sudden appearance next to him. “I was really hoping to last longer…” He pursed his lips and raised his brows at you. “Give me a do-over?”

“Not today,” you said, already tying the stolen bandana to your arm. “I’m playing to win.” Leaving Kaminari to find his way back to Present Mic, you sprinted through a few back alleys to find a new hiding spot. Your muscles cried out in fatigue, probably from the extra running every morning, and your head went spinning in a series of sharp headaches. Fighting off the pain, you kept running. You slid behind a dumpster near the center of the arena.

You only had to wait there a moment before your next victim ran by. You managed to hit Mineta square in the back and made quick work of him, just as you had Kaminari.

That pattern continued through two more students, but the sprinting was starting to get to you. Pausing for a moment, you leaned against a wall to catch your breath, chest heaving with the labor of inhaling.

“[Y/N]?” Jumping upright into a defensive position, you turned toward the source of the voice. Uraraka stood at the end of the alley, brows furrowed in worry. She took a few cautious steps toward you. “Are you okay? You don’t look great.”

“Don’t move!” you yelled back. “Both our quirks require touching the other person and we both know I’m more agile than you.” You slowly backed up. With each step, Uraraka matched it with her own. “Don’t follow me!”

“[Y/N], I’m not trying to take your bandana.” She took another step. “I’m just worried about you. You look like you haven’t slept in days.” Step. You were frozen in place now. “Bakugou and I haven’t heard a word from you in a week.” Step. “What’s wrong?” Step.

You broke from your statuesque position, bolting forward at her. Crouching low, you aimed for just to her left. Prepared for her to fight back, you geared up to sweep her legs with one of your own. To your surprise, however, she remained where she stood. Your leg shot out and she tumbled to the ground, but the moment carried you with her.

Hitting the ground, you let out a sharp cough as the air was forced from your lungs. Your hand lifted to cover your mouth and when you looked back at it, your palm was painted with red. You knit your brows and turned to Uraraka.

“Oh my god, [Y/N]!” She rushed over to you.

“No…get back…” you managed. Why was she so concerned about how you were now? You sniffed. Your nose was running. Were you sick? You wiped it with your blood-covered hand only to find even more blood streaking across it. What was happening? You looked up at Uraraka. She wasn’t looking at you.

“What the fuck did you do to her?” Bakugou.

And you were out cold.

You blinked at the piercing fluorescent lights above you, the sharp white color hurting your eyes. No headache though, only squinting eyes. Had you been sleeping? How long were you out? It was probably a blessing, even if you had missed the training session, you were starting to suffer from the insomnia.

Groggily, you turned your head to look around the room. To your right, Bakugou sat in a plastic chair, scrolling through his phone with a scowl twisting his expression.

“Katsuki?” you mumbled. He jerked up from the phone, turning his head to you so fast you thought he would get whiplash. His scowl melted away for moment, but then it was back in an instant.

“What the hell were you thinking?” he practically yelled. Recovery Girl swiveled around in her stool and shushed him before turning back to her computer. “The old lady said you probably had barely been sleeping and tape-face said he saw you sneaking out in the mornings to go run.” You flinched. His expression softened in return. “And I haven’t heard from you in days. What has been going on with you?”

The tears welled up in your eyes before you could stop them, spilling warm streaks down your cheeks.

“I just… I heard you talking to Ochako in the classroom last week.” Why were you telling him about this now? “I heard you tell her that you-” You were cut off by another sob, broken and airy. “You said that you love her.” Bakugou’s eyes widened slowly as understanding rushed over him.

“No, no, no.” He spoke the words quietly with a pause between each one, half for you, half for himself. “You moron. That was meant for you.”

“What?”

“Round face was just, um,” he rubbed at the back of his neck, “helping me be comfortable saying it.” His face was turning red, something that you had never seen from him, and he mumbled the ends of his sentences, trailing off in embarrassment. “I’m not the best at, uh…conveying my…my feelings.”

“Oh, God,” you whispered. Another sob welled up in you, this time not out of sadness over something Bakugou had done, but shame at yourself for acting in such a way. “Katsuki, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, idiot. Especially when all you did was hurt yourself.” He gestured to the room around him. “You got yourself here.”

“I feel like such a jealous moron.” Letting your head fall into your palms, you heaved out a sigh. “Do you still want to date someone like me?”

“‘Do I want to date someone like you?’” he repeated back. Prying your hands away from your face, he cradled your palms within his larger ones. “I love you.”

[mental-health-advice]

I don't feel alive anymore. My memory gets worse and worse. Everything seems unreal... Like if I had fallen into coma and I'm only dreaming the rest of my miserable life. I haven't got emotions or an identity anymore- except anxiety, depression and 'emptiness'. I lost my empathy and my will to live. And the worst: I have no one that can drag me out of this sea. And suicide won't solve anything. It won't work. The nightmare will never end.

Hi lovely,

Thank you for getting in touch with us here at MHA! I’m really sorry to hear that things are so tough for you right now and it is having such a negative impact on your daily life, I know how tough this can be. I hope I’ll be able to give you some advice and information on how to start dealing with this!

First of all, I am so so sorry that these thoughts have caused you issues with suicidal thoughts.  I do need to say that if you ever take any action to end your life or seriously hurt yourself, then please call your local emergency services (e.g. 911) for immediate medical attention. If you are reaching a crisis point and are in danger of harming yourself then try to get yourself to the ER, or to somewhere safe and contact someone who can come and help to keep you safe. You can also always  contact a helpline or web counsellor for 24/7 support. I want you to know that you are definitely meant to be part of this world, and you bring love and happiness that the world would greatly miss if you weren’t here. You are so loved

I also think it may be a good idea for you to create a safety plan. This is a plan containing all of the things you can do whenever you feel yourself reaching a crisis point. For example, who you can call, grounding techniques and distractions that are effective for you.  We have an outline for a plan on our printables page here. Something which you could incorporate into your plan, or make completely separate, is a list of your reasons to stay; this could be tiny things, all the way up to big reasons, but they all count towards why you deserve to stay and find happiness! Here is our list of reasons to stay, maybe somethings on here will give you some ideas, love. There are so many reasons for you to stay

I am not a professional and cannot diagnose you, but from reading you ask and how you describe your symptoms, I do just want to share some information about a condition with you... Derealisation is a type of dissociative disorder, and can be experienced alone as a condition. However, it can be linked to many other mental health issues, for example anxiety or schizophrenia. It can also be related to changes in medication or the use of drugs/alcohol, and can be caused by overwhelming levels of stress. I am not a professional and can by no means tell you what is causing this condition for you so I really recommend that you go and talk to a professional about this as they will be able to diagnose you if applicable and help you to figure out what is causing you to feel like this. A doctor would be a good place to start. There are tests and scales used to determine if a person suffers from dissociative disorders (which are listed in the DSM IV). They can also refer you on of further treatment like talking therapy; this can help you to feel more attached to yourself and separate some of the things that aren’t real from the true things. Our page about getting help is here, and hopefully will help you feel confident enough to ask for help.

I’m also linking our page of grounding techniques here; these may be useful to you when you are going through a period of dissociation. An example of one of these techniques would be to:

Describe 5 things you can see

Describe 4 things you can hear

Describe 3 things you can feel

Describe 2 things you can smell

Describe 1 thing you can taste

I have found practical techniques like holding my hands under really cold running water to be particularly effective; it may take a few tries before you find a technique that works for you, but try not to give up, and keep persevering. These techniques can help you to stay connected to reality when you feel yourself getting particularly lost, and can even be useful to bring you back to reality once you have already entered a dissociated state.

I also recommend journalling. This can be from really in depth writing about everything that happened during your day, or just a couple of sentences to help you remember the main things that were going on that day. That way whenever you feel very spaced out and have forgotten what you you have done previously, or want to look back on a good day, then you can use your journal to help you.I have also found creative things like drawing and painting to be helpful whenever I am struggling with derealisation; because I have created that piece of art, I know it is real and that helps me to recognise things that are real around me. Maybe that is something you could try to? I doesn’t have to be art, it could be cooking/baking, or writing, or music!

Self-care is really important for you right now. Try to take at least an hour or two a day for yourself; fill that time with doing things that you enjoy and make you feel relaxed and at peace. For example, I take the two hours before I go to sleep and try it fill that time with things like art and music, I’ll also take the time to have a bath, wash my hair, look after my skin, etc. Practising self-care also involves things like making sure you are getting enough sleep, eating well, and staying hydrated.

Again, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this right now and that you are feeling so low - but I promise you, things will get better and you will be able to be happy one day, these negative feeling will pass and you will come out the other side stronger than you ever thought possible, and we’ll be here to support you every step of the way! Please don’t give up, love

Take care!

‘‘Fall down seven times, stand up eight.’‘

Rhiann xo