#i remember freaking out seeing how much attention the callout got. i was thinking that she was finally being killed

[arsen1cs4ng0]

a year ago yesterday, my groomer was nuked by me + a handful of guys from the chip + TF2 fandom. she was not spared

[katpapple]

A Test of Courage

A Test of Courage

A Banri x Kat fanfic

This is a self ship fic, uwa. Hope you like it! qwq

Focus was drawn to the tv screen as the competition occupies his attention. Well, most of it anyway. Banri’s brow furrowed, his eyes narrowing with a frustrated growl. Itaru on the other hand had a completely stone faced expression, magenta irises honed in on the fight as he won the match once again. The younger man let out a sigh of defeat, rubbing his temples in small circles.

“Dammit…” He muttered. Banri’s skills were rusted. Though they shouldn’t have been; he practiced fighting the character Itaru was good at with her, after all. What was causing him to feel so distracted? His mind was drifting all over the place to so many different thoughts, but it always went back to those smoky blue eyes - that rosy cheeked smile - and those wavy blond locks. The image left a lasting imprint, one that was shaking him to the core. 

“Wow, your game was off today,” Of course Itaru noticed. “Alright, spill it. What’s going on?” And go figure he would want to know what’s on Banri's mind. This made the Autumn Troupe leader groan as he was trying to find good wording.

“It’s nothin’. Must be an off day for me.” Yeah, no kidding. He was just reiterating Itaru’s point. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk, it’s just that the words were escaping him. He didn’t wanna sound like a fool that wasn’t making any sense. Though right now, it felt like nothing was making sense to him. Why did he feel this way again?

“You like Kat a lot, don’t you?”

“Huh?” The brunette took a glance at the man sitting next to him.

“I think it’s pretty obvious at this point that you like her in a romantic sense. Your expressions seem so much more soft and doting around her. Plus, Kazunari said you two eat lunch together more often at class now.”

Shit. Banri’s cover was blown. Light brown strands were slicked back through his fingers as he tried not to keel over from the blatantly humiliating callout from Itaru. Now he remembered why he was so off today. It was Kat; She was all Banri could think about right now. He thought about playing it cool, feigning ignorance, but that wouldn't work. Not when Itaru knew him well enough to pick up on his mood just from his performance when gaming. A disgruntled sigh left slightly chapped lips, and Banri rested his chin in the palm of his hand.

"I don't know what it is about her, but-" He paused. "Whenever I'm near her lately, I kinda freeze up and I can feel my face getting warmer." Honestly, it pissed him off a little. He thought he sounded so stupid; getting this flustered around a girl he'd known for about a year now made him feel like some sort of protagonist from a romance anime. Even now, he felt his face rise in temperature, and he could deduce that his cheeks were definitely flushed. God, he felt so hopeless.

"Wow." A reaction that caught the young man off guard.

"The hell do you mean by that?" The question caused Itaru to chuckle, a smile decorating his face with mischief.

"Sounds to me like your life's not in super ultra easy mode anymore, am I right?"

The worst part was that Banri couldn't disagree.

"Ha ha, very funny Itaru," He replied in a mocking tone. "Though, I ain't gonna say that you're wrong. Cuz you're not."

"Well, if I'm not wrong, what's stopping you? Are you scared of rejection?"

"Ha! Scared of rejection? I'm Banri goddamn Settsu," He said that with a smile that so painfully indicated he was scared. "I can bet if I confessed to her right now, she'd be-"

"Banri, I know you're lying." That sentence… Why did it cut so deep? It shouldn't. It was true, of course, but the fact he wasn't able to get away with it made him feel like a deer in the headlights. An anxious pang in his chest only grew as Itaru continued.

"Just like always, you're afraid of losing. Typical Banri mannerisms for you, I guess." 

"A'ight, ya don't have to rub it in, bastard…" Both men let out soft laughter. Though Banri's was born out of fear. It pulsed in his heart, every scenario in his head playing out with the worst possible outcome. These feelings of longing- of teenage anxiety- of a racing heartbeat and lovesick laughter- all of it was so foreign. So exciting. Yet all the same, incredibly terrifying.

"It's just… she's such a cool person, y'feel me?" Banri started. "I mean, she's smart, she's kind, and so freaking talented on stage. And whenever I see her smile and gush over something she loves, her face lights up and it's just so fuckin' cute." At that moment, he snickered, looking at Itaru eye to eye for the first time in that conversation. "And, shit, don't get me started on how her occasional moments where she gets a bit flighty and airheaded make me so damn happy. Like, she can be so mature and caring, but also a bit of a klutz who doesn't always think things through, but also super passionate and energetic, just-"

"Your perfect girl, right?" Banri nodded in agreement with Itaru's statement. In all senses, to Banri, Kat was perfect. Even with all the little flaws and quirks, like her occasional bursts of temper, the way her face flushed tomato red when embarrassed, it was all lovely to him. The two of them got along so well, but he remembered that it’d be likely she’d just like to be friends. 

“I wanna tell her. I want her to know how much she makes me smile, man. I want her to know how god damn beautiful she is. But I don’t wanna make things awkward between us either, y’know?” This elicited a tired look from Itaru.

“Dude, it’s gonna be awkward within the first stages of dating anyhow. Better to tell her and at least get your feelings out and face rejection rather than keep going down this back and forth with yourself.”

“Well how the hell am I supposed to do that?!” The blonde shrugged.

“Meh, I dunno. Never dated anyone so I’m useless in that department.” That just turned Banri’s frustration into desperation.

“At least give me something, dude!” An eye roll from Itaru.

“Look, the best advice I can give is ask to talk to her and see where things go from there. Tell her how you feel about her. Y’know, regular confession stuff.”

“Guess that’s a start…” That unfortunately didn’t do much to settle the nerves from the realization that- oh no- he had to confess to the woman he’s slowly grown to pine for this past year and a half. This wasn’t going to be easy, he knew that for sure.

The next morning makes itself known to Banri from the sun’s rays tickling his face, and the absence of Juza’s snoring. It was the weekend, so he didn’t really have anything to do. Accept… he DID have something to do. Something he desperately didn’t want to do, but wanted to do at the exact same time. He could smell breakfast from his room. Pancakes and bacon. It distracted him from the nervous sensation in his stomach.

After a quick shower, he walks down the stairs, sleep still leaving him in a daze as he reaches the dining room. Pretty much everyone was here, save for Itaru and Masumi who were sleeping in. Kat was on the couch, sketchbook in her hands as she waited for Omi to finish breakfast. She looked up from the paper in Banri’s direction, and gave him a soft smile that melts him into a puddle of happiness.

“Morning, BanBan.” BanBan. A nickname she gave him that she used for some lighthearted fun. It caught him off guard, and he thought it was silly, but after a while, he really grew to love it. It was a nice little term of endearment to the both of them. Though mainly, she was too cute to say no to. Her laughter whenever she used it was enough to get him to laugh along from how infectious it was. Banri sat next to his fellow classmate, and gave a half smile in return.

“Mornin’ Kat. Good to see your face. Always brightens my mood.” A light giggle and a faint hint of blush on those already rosy red cheeks caught Banri’s attention. 

“Aww, look at you being all sweet and charming today. Who are you, and what have you done with Banri?”

“Pfft, wow, rude.” The two of them laughed quietly so as to not disturb everyone else. Lord knows Sakyo would be up their asses for it later if they were too loud. “For the record, I’m nice and charming all the time. I’m Banri Settsu after all.” That got Kat to snort.

“Oh my god, that’s so corny, I love it.” Banri chuckled at that. 

“Yeah, it was, my bad.” Then the fear returned. He could hear his heart beating like a hammer, and his hands quivered ever so slightly. “Hey uh… after breakfast, could I tell you somethin’ at the park?” Kat raised her brows inquisitively.

“Huh? Oh, sure!” On cue, Omi called everyone to the dining room. Breakfast was ready. Kat set down her drawing supplies, and made her way to the table, Banri following suit behind her. Today’s breakfast was simple, pancakes, bacon and hard boiled eggs. Kat smiled happily; they were some of her favorite things to eat for breakfast.  Banri sat across from her, the both of them eating in silence aside from occasionally joining in for small talk with others at the table. Though Banri had a hard time eating at all. The anxiety from what he would have to do later made his appetite seem smaller today. He excused himself after only finishing about half his plate, which surprised everyone at the table. He gave a quick tap to the young woman’s shoulder. 

“Just meet me there, ok?” A nod accompanied by a hum of confirmation from Kat was Banri’s cue to leave. His shoulders tensed up as he left, putting on his shoes before starting a jog to the park. The whole time he ran, he could feel his resolve waver more than it already was. ‘What if it isn’t worth it? What if she’ll feel uncomfortable?’

‘What if we’ll never be the same after this?’

It scared him so bad. And it manifested into tears threatening to spill and pour down his cheeks. His mouth felt dry, his breath laboured as he sprinted frantically to the park, stopping in his tracks at the park’s fountain before it all broke loose. Choked sobs left him as he tried to catch his breath. His lip quivered as tears rolled down his cheeks. Banri tried to collect himself, wiping his eyes and nose, and steadying his shaky breath. This break in confidence made him feel so stupid. He felt ashamed for being so afraid. He felt even more stupid because he knew Kat would ask what’s wrong. He didn’t want her to worry. He wasn’t used to it. His parents never paid much attention; he was perfect at everything. Right now though, he was far from that supposed perfect man he was. He was vulnerable; he was second guessing himself. If Kat saw him like this - all clumsy and anxious over a confession - what would she think of him? 

“Banri?” That voice made his heart sink. He felt like he was in such deep shit right now. His blood ran cold, but his face was red from crying.

“Banri, are okay? Oh god, were you crying?” Her worried tone made Banri feel so secure, but it was so odd to him. The young man wanted to brush it off, say it was nothing, but that was a lie he knew she’d see through. ‘Fuck it,’ He thought. ‘Might as well follow through on what you told yourself you were gonna do Banri.’

“Yeah, uh… I was.”

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

“Nah, nah. Well, I mean- I guess? I just- I dunno, I kinda got something on my mind and it’s really stressin’ me out.” A hand came to Banri’s back; a reassuring touch to let him know he was ok. 

“Do you wanna talk about it? I’m always here for you, BanBan.” That smile that followed her words felt so warm and welcoming. And the way she said ‘BanBan’ was so different from any other time she said it. In most instances, it was used to joke around with him when they were messing around being idiots together. Here, it was affectionate, and born of concern for her friend’s well being. Somewhere in his heart, Banri felt it wasn’t ok to be open with her despite her reassuring he could tell her. But right now, he didn’t care about his worries. His brain was silently screaming at him right now to get it out, to just go for it even if you two just stay friends. That was ok with him. It may be a bit awkward for a while if she doesn’t reciprocate, but that wouldn’t change how much he liked spending time with her as a friend to begin with. Worries be damned, he supposed it was at least worth a shot.

“Yeah, thanks.” Deep breaths. In and out. “So, I’ve kinda debated back and forth since the last week or so whether or not I should tell you this, cuz I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. But I wanted to tell you how I feel about you, cuz I have a lot on my mind about a lot of stuff. Ever since we started hanging out over the past year, I’ve kinda started to feel really anxious around you. My heart races, my face gets all red and shit, and I start losing my words.  I really don’t wanna beat around the bush with this but I- I really like you. Like, romantically.”

Silence. It hung over for about a couple seconds, but to Banri it felt like a fucking eternity. At this point one could drop a pin and it would be heard that was how silent it was at that moment. But shock filled the young man’s sapphire eyes when Kat took his hand and held it. She cast a little glance, before looking away with a timid smile. She looked like a blushing bride. Banri didn’t know what to do he was so nauseous from the anxiety, but somehow, gently reciprocating the touch felt so natural and normal. Their eyes finally met, and Kat had a really goofy smile. It was lopsided, and one could tell she was happy but also really nervous. Her face was red, which was unsurprising given she’d get like that when she’d be caught singing by the other company members.

“Y’know, I uh… I’ve kinda wanted to tell you the exact same thing so I’m like, really happy right now.”

“Wait, really?” Kat nodded fervently.

“Yes! Y-Yes I- God, I’ve felt so scared too cuz I really didn’t wanna make things awkward between us if you didn’t feel the same way, But you’re just really fun to be around, you’re really handsome, and I love watching you act cuz you try super hard, and it makes me wanna try just as hard too! A-And I really wanna make you as happy as you make me, so… um…! Yeah, I-I really like you, like, a whole lot!”

Banri’s eyes widened in awe. Was this real? Was this a dream? He wasn’t sure, but a big smile spread across his face, and he started to laugh in relief.

“Holy shit, can I hug you please?” She nodded, and Banri hugged her so tight. He felt so happy. It may have been silly of him to cry tears of joy, but nonetheless he did. Just when he thought the tears had dried up, the euphoria made all the emotions rise up to the surface again. He pulled back to look at Kat, and she was crying too. Looks like she was just as scared as well. It made him feel a little better about everything. Banri tenderly brushed his thumb across her cheek, wiping away her tears.

“God, I knew you were adorable, but do you have to have such a cute smile?”

“What can I say? I guess I’m like your little ball of sunshine.”

“You’re damn right about that,” Banri placed a featherlight peck on the cheek. “I love you so much, Kat.”

“Love you too, Banri.”

Those words made him happy. So, so happy. Right now, time stood still. He wanted to stay like this. To stay close, in a warm embrace, pressing gentle, nervous kisses to each other’s lips. And right now, in this little moment, they would stay like this for at least half an hour. Banri vowed to himself, as they both stayed comfortable in that blanket of love, that he would make her so damn happy. Lucky for him, he was already well on his way.

[fightingdiamond]

KCON LA 2017 fanaccount!!

part 3: Astro!!!!!! 

I saw pictures on twitter of Hoshi leaving LA!!! He looks a lot better already!!!! I'm so glad~

Ahhhhh we're almost getting to the end 😔 I felt like I didn't even do much at the convention, just a lot of waiting in lines and walking around the expo hall just looking, but I was pretty sad for it to be over. Next time I go, I'll definitely try to attend more panels and other actual events rather than just waiting around 😂

After seeing VIXX by chance on Saturday, as soon as I could on Sunday, I went to the Toyota booth and asked when Astro was going to show up. They kept telling me Astro was coming at 2 and (in my head) I was like umm sweaty their fan engagement is at 2???? But eventually they told me Astro was gonna come right after their fan engagement ended, so it'd be hard to get a good view of them at both the fan engagement and at the booth. I'd already walked past the audience line for Astro and around noon it was so long already!!!!! I was so shocked, I didn't know Astro had so many fans???? Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of my babies, but I was so surprised!!!! Eventually I decided I was just gonna wait in the audience line and try to get as good a view as possible, and to hightail it outta there as soon as the hi-touch started so I could try to get a good view at the Toyota booth. 

Arohas (Astro's fanclub for those who don't know) are so sweet!!! They're the nicest people I met all weekend, oh my god. The people near me in line were so friendly and down-to-earth - like, I was pleasantly surprised at how critical they were of problematic fandom happenings and how they didn't let their passionate love for our idols blind them to the respect that our idols deserve ❤️ Astro are pretty young, I think Rocky and Sanha are both still underage? We struck up a conversation about that really quickly, and about how frustrated we were with people who sexualize underage idols (not just Astro but also Seventeen, NCT Dream, etc). It was so lovely, I wanted to cry a little bit 😍 I love Arohas! A lot of the fans I talked to were also pretty young, so I was even more impressed at how mature they were!

I also met an Aroha who's also a Wonwoo stan! Her name is Mia, she's the same age as my sister and is literally so precious ❤️ she reminds me of my sister but without any of the annoying parts 😏😏😏 Arohas and Wonwoo stans are so precious and need to be protected at all costs 😌😌😌

I didn't get that great of a view of the fan engagement but it was awesome just to be there! I'd already seen VIXX and Seventeen up close the day before so it was okay that I didn't get to see Astro too close; next time I would love to be closer to them, but it was really nice to be able to see them with my own eyes at all 😍 Eunwoo is so tall????? And Rocky is so gorgeous 😍

I filmed the whole engagement so I'll just throw out some things I remember!

-Eunwoo's eyes literally sparkle??? I don't know how he does it!!! He's so beautiful, oh my god. I read comments on the internet saying that Eunwoo was even more beautiful in real life, and I....have to say I kinda disagree? Those comments must've come from people who didn't already think Eunwoo was the most beautiful person they'd ever seen, because I think he is and I honestly don't know how he could be MORE beautiful 😅 the only thing I have to say about seeing Eunwoo in person is that he literally has the sparkly anime eyes going on, but in real life somehow 😍

-Sanha is so freaking tall! LOL

-Jinjin looked really soft with his bangs down, it was so cute 😌

-when they got the part-switch mission from rolling the die, I was squirming in anticipation already!! But then Eunwoo said, in freaking absolutely perfect English, "do you guys know our title track Confession?" I SCREAMED SO LOUDLY OMG I love Confession so much!!!!!! 😍 it literally powered me through studying for my biochem final 😂 AND THEN. AND THEN!!! ROCKY STARTED SINGING!!!!! I almost cried, I've been waiting my whole life to hear that boy sing and it was absolutely perfect 😍😍😍 I would sell my soul for Rocky to get more singing lines!!!! And Jinjin sang the chorus of Confession and that was equally amazing, oh my god. Then Eunwoo and Moonbin rapped and ahhhh they were so cute!!!! I love Astro!!!! I'm gonna be honest here, I'm sometimes disappointed in their live performances on music shows but I'm so baffled now as to why they sometimes don't sound good, because they all sounded perfect at the fan engagement???? Eunwoo and Moonbin were asked to sing their favorite pop songs too and they both sang Justin Bieber and freaking killed it!!! All of Astro's voices are so strong and perfect and literally they could be the next power vocal group???? Why hasn't this happened yet?????? They're amazing ❤️❤️❤️

-Rocky did a sexy dance and I almost felt bad cheering because he's underage but he was really feeling it, I just couldn't deny him the fun he was having! 

-they were asked to say what they thought they could do better than the member to their left and they were all so savage LMAO

-at one point they were picking the next member to roll the die and some fans started chanting MJ! MJ! and the chant caught on - it was so cool seeing how the fans all came together to support each other and our boys ❤️

-at the end the maknaes (Sanha and Rocky) rolled favorite pop song again so the MC was like ahhh, do you guys (the fans) just wanna see a sexy dance? And there was this collective uproar LOL I don't know how much of it was encouraging the sexy dance and how much of it was refusing, but the MC caught on to the correct answer clearly because he was like, ok, just do aegyo then! Thank you to the powers that be for protecting my babies 🙏🏽

When they started announcing the hi-touch, Mia and I left and hurried to the Toyota booth. She stayed outside the expo doors to try to see them walking in, and I rushed inside to try to worm my way close to the booth. I'm not kidding, I seriously sprinted! The things I do for Astro, I swear 😍

I think I ended up probably four or five rows from the front? But because I'm so short it really wasn't close enough 😭 my sister needs to come with me next time, she's taller than me 😭 I could see the boys when they came into the booth, but they didn't notice me even though I was screaming for Eunwoo and Rocky 😅 I also hadn't brought a sign or banner or anything, which probably would've helped them notice me 😂

They played a little trivia game with us and took some pictures with lucky fans, and then they were off again 😭 I met up with Mia outside and we exchanged videos! It made me realize that mistakes were made on Saturday haha 😂😂😂 I had had a pretty good view of VIXX walking in, but I was silly and got caught up in the moment and tried to go inside the expo and see them at the booth, but there were already way too many people there so I barely saw them. I should've just stayed in my spot outside and waited for them to come back out! I might've even been able to get Hakyeon's attention then 😭 oh well, now I know for next time!

I went to a panel about LGBT kpop fandom, which was obviously super cool! Lol something that sticks out in my memory is when they opened it up for questions and one person was like, "so you know that whole no homo thing that some idols do?" And I was like, is this a JB callout post because same 😶

And then.....it was over.....😓 all in all it was a great first KCON! I spent a lot of money but that's ok, I'm not planning to do something like this again for a loooong time 😅 

I'll post some advice and tips too~