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emachinescat · 4 years ago

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By Night My Mind

A Tales of Arcadia: Wizards Fan-Fiction

by @emachinescat

@febuwhump day 19 - sleep deprivation

Summary: Sequel to “Dying Is Easy.” In the aftermath of the final battle against the Arcane Order, Douxie is plagued by guilt and nightmares about his part in Merlin’s death, and decides that he’s better off staying awake, which his battered and weary body does not take well. Written for Febuwhump on Tumblr. Day 19: sleep deprivation

Characters: Douxie, Archie, Jim, Claire

Words: 4,719

TW: None

Notes: Sequel to “Dying Is Easy, Living (Without You) Is Harder,” and set in the same universe as “That I Could Fear a Door” and “Lest Back that Awful Door Should Spring.” In this version of events, Douxie doesn’t have to leave with Nari, and is trying to adjust back to life in Arcadia after the events of “Dying Is Easy.”

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- From “Sonnet 27” by William Shakespeare

Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed,

The dear repose for limbs with travel tired;

But then begins a journey in my head

To work my mind, when body’s work’s expired…

Lo! thus, by day my limbs, by night my mind,

For thee, and for myself, no quiet find.

The night after his battle with the Arcane Order, Douxie slept more soundly than he could ever remember. His near-death experience had left him with a litany of aches, pains, cuts, bruises, a couple of fractured ribs and a lot of unanswered questions - it should have been impossible for him to survive a fall from that height; every bone in his body should have been broken, and no one knew how he was still alive - but still he slept, his final meeting with Merlin and the restored Morgana fresh on his mind and a soothing balm through the night.

The trouble came the day after, when he nodded off while curled up on his couch with The Sword in the Stone distracting him from some unpleasant thoughts and a nagging guilt that had begun to crop up, slowly but steadily, over the course of his day. No one knew that the hokey, mostly plotless Disney movie was his favorite, and he preferred to keep it that way. It had always amused him, Merlin as a bit of a crackpot and Arthur a poor young boy running around after a magical master who only halfway knew what he was doing at any given time - it reminded him of himself, and of home.

But he was exhausted from the muscle relaxer he’d been prescribed when Jim and Claire had practically kidnapped him and forced him to let Jim’s mom, a doctor, examine him, and he fell asleep right when Mad Madam Mim issued her challenge to Merlin and for a few wonderful moments, there was nothing, and he could rest.

He woke with a yell only minutes later (Merlin was now turning into a germ to outwit the atrocious purple dragon), fighting desperately against the effects of the muscle relaxers that were already trying to pull him under again. He couldn’t even remember what it was that woke him, what he’d seen in his dreams, but it didn’t matter. Whatever it was - and he had a good idea - it left him trembling, short of breath, on the verge of tears.

“Douxie?”

Archie padded into the room and hopped up on the couch beside his friend, eyes full of concern behind his glasses.

“I’m fine, Archie. Just a nightmare.”

“I miss him, too,” the cat said solemnly, reflective gaze compassionate and sad as he observed his human friend. “Perhaps we should talk--”

“Talking won’t bring him back,” Douxie snapped, and Archie flinched back the tiniest amount and fell silent, looking more like a chastised pet than Douxie had ever seen him. The wizard sighed. “I’m sorry, Archie. I just don’t want to talk, that's all.” He rubbed the furry head with distracted affection, then moved from the couch and pulled up a hard-backed kitchen chair, and sat in that.

He didn’t feel like sleeping so much anymore, even if the burning of his eyes told him otherwise. He turned off the movie - it suddenly held no appeal. The Disney+ main screen took its place, and he clicked on something at random. He was so caught up in his bleak mood and dark thoughts that he didn’t even realize for a solid ten minutes that he was watching Hannah Montana.

***

Dr. Lake called him at five and asked how the muscle relaxers were treating him - “Are they keeping the pain and back spasms at bay? Are you taking them with food? Have you been able to rest?” Douxie placated her with lies on all accounts, but the truth was that he was sore even with the medicine, he hadn't taken it with food because he couldn't bring himself to eat, and every time he closed his eyes he felt the unfathomable pain of being run through all over again, or, worse, he saw Merlin kneeling over him, sacrificing his life for Douxie’s stupid mistake, and that wasn’t worth any benefits rest gave him.

***

He did finally fall asleep that night around eleven, not by choice - he’d been forced to take another muscle relaxer when the pain in his ribs and back crescendoed to nearly unbearable levels, and the drug worked quickly despite his best efforts to stay awake.

The dream was, at the beginning, not good, but not nightmare material, either. He found he was reliving his final conversation with Merlin, in that Nowhere between life and death where his mentor had waited patiently for him to arrive before moving on at last, after 900 long years.

At first the conversation was much the same as it had been, and Douxie found a thread of comfort in Merlin’s reassurances - I told you, my boy, I chose to die for you. I want no part of a world without you in it. And I am happy, reunited with my dear friend and first apprentice, ready to step into the next chapter.

But this time, right before Merlin stepped through the door into the light, he turned and contemplated his grieving apprentice with a cold look. “Although,” he said, accusation seeping from every word, “it is true that I wouldn’t have had to give my life for you if you hadn’t bungled things up so much in the first place.”

Douxie felt his heart stutter to a stop and he stammered, “W-what?”

“Couldn’t leave well enough alone, could you?” Merlin hissed, his eyes flashing dangerously. “It was my fight. And if you were going to interfere, why not cast some other spell that kept us both out of harm’s way?”

Floundering for any purchase on solid ground, Douxie finally managed, “I didn’t know how - the magic, it just responded -”

“You were always good at making excuses, Hisirdoux,” the wizard snarled. “The faith I thought I had in your abilities was obviously misplaced.” A terrible, eternal beat of silence. Then - “Perhaps I should have let you die after all. It’s no more than you deserve.”

“But Master -”

“I’m done with you.” With a dismissive wave of his arm, Merlin stomped into the waiting light of the unknown, muttering, “Might as well enjoy your life since you ended mine to save it.”

And Douxie was left alone in the between-space, and the tower crumbled around him in time with his soul, and he let it bury him, book after book crashing on his head, and he hoped that this time, he wouldn’t wake up at all….

It’s all my fault.

He woke up crying, not screaming, and shortly after he flushed the muscle relaxers while Archie wasn’t looking (the wise familiar would most certainly have not approved), splashed his face with icy water, and grabbed his well-read copy of The Catcher in the Rye and forced his eyes across the familiar words in a vain attempt to distract him from the loathing and pain and guilt that screamed through his aching head and pounded out a tattoo of shame that persisted through the lonely, sleepless night.

***

Two days later, he returned to work, and his manager stared openly at his disheveled appearance. Douxie had slept a grand total of four hours since he’d tossed the pills, and those had been intermittent catnaps that his body had forced him to take. Eventually, though the thought of using his magic made his skin crawl now after what it had done to Merlin, he conjured a simple alarm clock that sensed when he fell asleep and screeched metal core at him every time it happened.

He knew he looked bad - he’d seen a glimpse of himself in the mirror before he left. His face was thinner than usual, pinched in pain that tylenol just wasn’t cutting through - but anything else would make him fall asleep. Although all of the bruising was centralized around his back and chest and invisible beneath his rumpled t-shirt, it looked like he’d been punched in both eyes, with the dark, puffy circles accenting each one. He’d been too out of it to properly bother with styling his hair, or brushing it, if he were honest, and he was pretty sure he was wearing two different combat boots. They were both black, though, so maybe no one would notice. He didn’t have the energy to care if they did.

“Damn,” said his manager, Jeff. “I think you came back from sick leave a little too soon, man. You look awful.”

Douxie shrugged, not trusting himself to speak. He’d been screaming from one emotion to the next with no warning ever since he woke up, and even though he felt rather empty at the moment, he knew it was distinctly possible that if he opened his mouth he might start crying against his will.

“I think you should go back home. Have you seen a doctor?”

Douxie grunted in affirmation.

“Go home until you’re feeling better, Douxie. Seriously, man, you have to take care of yourself.”

The hollowness inside of him filled with irritation at the dismissal. “I’m fine,” he growled sullenly.

His manager blinked, surprised at the tone. Douxie had always been a model employee, respectful and fun to be around.

“You’re going to scare customers away,” Jeff insisted. “You can’t wait tables like this - people will be afraid you’ll give them whatever plague you’ve come down with.”

With a snarl, Douxie spat, “Why can’t things just go back to normal?” He stormed out before his bewildered manager could answer.

***

The next afternoon, someone knocked at his door. He cast a suspicious side-eye at Archie, who sat innocently on the table, tail tucked contritely around his carefully arranged paws as he studied Merlin’s magic book, the one Douxie had refused to touch since returning home. Archie had disappeared for a short time earlier, flapping out of the window in dragon form and saying that he was just going for a short flight to clear his head. Now Douxie wondered if the dragon had actually gone out and told someone of his worries about his wizard familiar. After all, Archie had been on his case constantly over the past few days, practically begging his friend to sleep, to eat, to talk, and Douxie always ignored him and had even yelled at him on a couple of occasions.

Douxie was picking at a bowl of dragon-popped popcorn listlessly, the small desire for food that he’d felt earlier having been immediately usurped by a fresh waves of undulating guilt and devastating emptiness. A smattering of empty cans - soda and energy drinks - lay crumpled on the coffee table around Archie, and the dregs of his latest cup of coffee were still warm. He seriously considered just ignoring the knocking until whoever it was went away - they’d promised to give him some time to recover, after all - but then they started ringing the doorbell and his head already hurt so badly it made his stomach curdle, so he made the tremendous journey to his feet. He swayed, his limbs like pool noodles, head swimming with dizziness at the effort to stay upright.

Each step toward the door - that incessant, too-loud doorbell was going to drive him mad! - was a hard-fought battle, and by the time his hand reached for the doorknob, he felt like he was going to be sick, and his vision was blurred, and he was having trouble remembering why he had gotten up in the first place.

Then the doorbell rang again, and a muffled voice called his name from the other side of the door, and he remembered.

It was Claire and Jim. The moment they laid eyes on him, their expressions went from concerned to relieved to something Douxie couldn’t quite identify but that might have been a kind of shock, or even horror.

“Douxie!” Claire half-shouted, and Douxie fought the urge to cover his ears as her voice, normally pleasant and soothing, tried its hardest to split his head in two. “What happened?”

Douxie squinted at her in confusion. Shouldn’t she know what happened? She had been there, for parts of it, at least. She’d heard about the rest. He could barely stand up straight anymore, and his eyes started closing of their own accord. This had happened so many times before, but as soon as sleep started to stake its claim, the memories and nightmares and things that might have been memories followed, mixing up into a blur that he couldn’t navigate, and then his magic alarm clock would blare, and he would wake up, and drink another Mountain Dew or Monster or cup of coffee, and try to do something to take his mind off of sleep and pain and Merlin. Then the whole process would start over again.

This time, it didn’t look like he would make it back to the couch before he passed out - the arduous trek to the front door had drained him, made him breathless and dizzy - and he was toppling forward, trying to force himself to wake up, battling sleep and the panic of sleep, or worse, hitting his head and being knocked out and forced to sleep.

“Whoa!” He startled awake to a hazy reality as Jim caught his stumbling form and propped him up the best that he could given how much taller Douxie was than him. Distantly, Douxie heard, “Claire, help me get him inside.”

And then Claire slung his other arm over her shoulder and they half-supported, half-dragged him back into his house, and though his eyes were on his couch, he realized that they were taking him past it, further into the house, in the direction of his bedroom, and he began to struggle against them.

“No, not there,” he gasped, knowing that if he had a mattress under his body and a soft pillow under his bed, there would be no way he could resist the siren call of sleep. He’d been avoiding his bed for days now.

But they didn’t listen, and soon they helped ease him onto his bed, perpetually unmade, and he scrambled up clumsily into a facsimile of a sitting position and shook his head to clear it of the gummy cobwebs that infested it. Archie, having followed the trio closely, literally hovering right over their shoulders, perched on Douxie’s desk and kept his lamp-lit eyes on his human, watchful and protective.

As soon as their charge was no longer in any immediate danger of hurting himself, Jim pulled out his cell phone. “I’m calling my mom.”

“No, no,” Douxie said, forcing his burning eyes open as far as he could and making a feeble swipe at the phone in his friend’s hand. Jim hesitated, his thumb hovering over the send button.

“You are obviously not feeling well,” he said. “And you look sick. You need to see a doctor before --”

“I’m not sick,” Douxie explained, trying to project an air of wellness that he couldn’t even muster within himself. At their doubtful looks, he clarified, “Just a little tired.”

“You don’t look like you’ve slept in a month!” Claire exclaimed worriedly. “We promised to give you a few days to yourself to heal and rest, not turn into one of the living dead!”

“It’s only been a few days,” Douxie assured her. “I just need to sort some things out in my head, that’s all. Then I’ll sleep.” It was a lie, but he needed them to believe it, needed them to go home and go on with their lives and not sit here worrying about him - or worse, try to make him sleep. He appreciated their concern, and was touched that he had friends who cared so much about his well-being, but they had more important things to deal with - Jim’s transition from being half-troll to enslaved hulk troll to fully human and the loss of his amulet, for starters. And he had made this mess on his own, this was his fault, so if his punishment was to never sleep again, it should be his to bear alone. He didn’t deserve to be worried about, he suddenly realized - that was the crux of why he wanted to be left alone so badly.

“A few days without sleep will wreck you, man,” Jim said seriously, his blue eyes offering nothing but concern. He did pocket his phone again, though, for which Douxie heaved a sigh of relief. “Trust me, I know.”

Douxie didn’t know the details, but he had heard stories from Claire and Toby about how Jim had, over a year ago, willingly gone into the Darklands, a hellish nightmare-scape beneath the skin of this world, and Claire had told, her own eyes haunted, of how he had come back not himself, traumatized, and how he’d barely slept nor ate and had become a shell of his former self.

So he asked, voice far more unsure than he felt comfortable with, “How did you move on? How did you get back to normal?”

He hated himself for sounding so weak. He’d lived 701 years. He’d lost people he cared about so regularly that he’d eventually tried to avoid personal connections. Such was the curse of being a wizard, and being functionally immortal. The world around him would turn, but he would not age - or rather, he would age slowly, at the pace of his own choosing - and people would die, wars would rise up and die down, and still he would live, watching it all, alone. That wasn’t true. Even if Merlin had been entombed for much of that time, he hadn’t been dead, not really. The knowledge that he would see his mentor again had kept Douxie going during the loneliest of times, during the most devastating losses.

And, of course, he’d had Archie, a constant companion who even now had done everything he could to help his friend, and when that hadn’t worked, when Douxie had been too stubborn to listen, he’d taken it upon himself to gather more of Douxie’s friends and staged an intervention. If Douxie hadn’t been so exhausted and his mind hadn’t been so muddy, he might have been grateful or touched by the gesture and loyalty, but right now, he just felt irritated, like his privacy had been infringed upon.

Jim blinked. “Well, uh,” he stammered, glancing at Claire before continuing, “it took time, first of all. But, honestly, it was my friends. But it took talking to someone who had gone through the same thing as me, who understood what I was going through, to first start the healing.”

Douxie shook his head. “Everybody loses people,” he said slowly. “But this feels different.”

“Just because everyone deals with loss doesn’t make your experiences any less important, Douxie,” Archie said sagely. He was the only one in the room who had a true scope of all the heartbreaks Douxie had accumulated over his centuries of life in a world of short-lived mortals.

“It’s not that.” Douxie was desperate now for them to understand the truth. Then maybe they would stop being so kind to him. Dream-Merlin had been right. He didn’t deserve it. “Don’t you see? It’s my fault Merlin’s dead. I killed him.”

Jim froze at his words, looking like he’d just been struck across the face. For a moment, Douxie wondered why he reacted the way he did, but then remembered that Jim had been the one to hold Douxie down when Morgana was going to kill him. He hadn’t been in his right mind, had been enslaved by the Arcane Order, but still, he had, in a small way, been the reason that Douxie had been forced into doing the switching magic that he had. Still, Douxie could find no ill will in him against the Trollhunter. He’d not been in control of his own mind. Douxie had.

“I am so sorry,” Jim started, but Douxie immediately cut him off.

“It’s not your fault. You weren’t you. But me…”

“You have to see the truth,” Jim insisted urgently, now moving to take a seat on the bed next to his older friend. Sure, they hadn’t known each other all that long, but going through the things they had and saving the world together tended to bring people closer together rather more quickly than usual, in his experience. “It wasn’t your fault. You did everything you could to save Merlin. You took a sword in the gut for him.” Douxie flinched internally at the reminder of the agony, the feeling of dying, the cold and the dark.

“Yeah, Douxie,” Claire chimed in. “You’re a hero. You saved him.”

“If I’d had more control over that magic, if I’d channeled it a different way or done a different spell, then we might both be alive.” He was so tired, but the conversation held him in its grip, and he couldn’t sleep anyway, he’d go back to the sword and Merlin’s death and the wizard’s tower where Merlin would tell him again that he’d failed.

“Douxie, you’re the one who’s been teaching me more magic!” Claire reminded him. “One of the things I learned from my Shadow Staff - and that you’ve continued to show me - is that magic is emotion. You can’t always control what magic is going to do when you are in a moment of fear or anger or desperation. Magic reacts to your emotions. And Jim’s right. What you did was very brave and selfless.”

“That’s why Merlin gave his life to save you in return,” Archie added. “That, and because he loved you, very much.”

Douxie felt the sting of hot tears carving pathways down his face and didn’t bother to wipe them off. He felt like having a full-on temper tantrum, flopping onto his stomach and screaming and sobbing and slamming his fists into the ground and letting his magic explode out of him with all the force of the emotions and exhaustion that had built up inside. He knew if he did that, though, he would just end up hurting someone else.

So he asked a question he was ashamed to ask, because it made it sound like he blamed Merlin instead of himself, “If he loved me, why did he leave? Why didn’t he let me make my sacrifice? It was like what I did didn’t matter. I saved him because I don’t want to live without him, but that’s just what he forced me to do.”

Archie flapped off the desk and landed on the bed on the other side of his friend. Placing a paw on Douxie’s leg, he spoke gently, as if to a lost child, “Merlin was a great wizard” -- Douxie sobbed -- “but he was also very selfish sometimes. That comes with great power and an ego left unchecked paired with a very long life. Merlin saved you because he couldn’t bear to think of a world without you in it. Nor,” said the dragon, nuzzling Douxie’s elbow affectionately, “can I, for that matter.”

“But if I --”

“No buts,” said Archie. “This was not your fault. And I know Merlin told you the same.”

“He did,” Douxie admitted. “But then he didn’t. Every time I sleep, I see him, and he tells me… he tells me that I f-failed, that he’s d-dead because of me, and that I don’t deserve to live.”

“Oh, Douxie,” Claire breathed softly, sinking down into his desk chair.

“That’s not Merlin telling you that,” Jim spoke up. Something raw lingered in his eyes. “It’s the lies you are telling yourself. I know because for weeks after the Darklands, I…” He cast his gaze briefly at Claire, and even in his semi-conscious state, Douxie got the feeling that he hadn’t even told his girlfriend this before. “I had dreams every night of Claire, Toby, Blinky, Aaarrrgghh, everyone telling me I should have stayed in the Darklands. Should have died there, because I wasn’t strong or brave enough, and I went in alone and betrayed them, and that they were better off and happier without me. For a while, I believed them.”

Claire was crying quietly now, her hands pressed against her lips.

“But then,” Jim continued, “the more time I spent with my friends, and talked to them, I began to be able to separate their truth from my own lies. Like I said earlier, you really need to talk to someone who gets it, you know. And even though we’ve experienced a lot of the same things, it’s not me.” He looked pointedly at the small black dragon who was currently in the same place he’d always been - at Douxie’s side.

“I miss him too.” Archie repeated his words from a few days ago. “And I am here for you, Douxie.” He must have seen the doubt festering in Douxie’s eyes and he reassured, “I do not blame you for what happened. No one does. The Merlin in your dreams is not real. He is spitting your own self-doubts and guilt right back into your face, but deep down, you know the truth. The real Merlin told you. Jim and Claire told you. And I am promising you - Merlin died because he chose to in order to save you because after all he had seen and done and all the years he’d lived, the one thing he was terrified of was having to light your funeral pyre. And Merlin never did anything he didn’t want to do. No one could have stopped him from making that choice.”

The words struck something deep inside of Douxie, and he felt the tiniest fraction of weight shift in his chest. “M’be,” he slurred, so tired that his friends were all now blobs of blue, black, and purple. A giant bruise. He chuckled, a bit madly.

“Okay, Douxie,” came Claire’s voice, distant and very close at the same time. “I think you really need to lie down now. You’ve been awake for too long.”

She and Jim helped him lie down. Weakly, he protested, “I cn’t sleep.”

“You can,” said Jim. “Take Archie’s words with you if you end up facing that dream-Merlin again. Remember that we’re here for you. None of us will leave you while you sleep, okay?”

“Yeah, we’ll be right here when you wake up, and if you have nightmares, we’ll remind you of the truth,” Claire promised.

“And I will guard you,” Archie vowed, retaking his cat form and curling up protectively over his closest friend’s heart. “You are safe here.”

Douxie could resist the call of sleep no longer. He closed his eyes and let it take him, and he felt the warm weight of Archie on his chest and the presence of his friends around him and the slightest of smiles curved his lips as he drifted off.

***

Thirty seconds after Douxie grew still upon the bed, his three friends let out a collective sigh of relief.

Thirty seconds after that, Jim and Claire let out a collective yell of shock and Archie leapt to his paws, hissing and arching his back, as a giant, misty alarm clock appeared out of thin air and started screeching a terrible cacophony of wailing guitars and screaming vocals at top volume.

“What the--?” Claire shouted over the racket, slamming her hands over her ears.

“I forgot,” Archie called back, “he cast this spell to wake him up when he fell asleep.”

And yet, this time, Douxie still slept.

“Can you turn it off?” Jim yelled.

“No, only Douxie can undo the spell.”

Jim considered this for a moment and shook his head. “Let him sleep. He needs it.”

And despite the loud, jarring music, he, Claire, and Archie kept their promise and stayed faithfully at their friend’s side until, four hours later, he woke up long enough to blessedly vanish the clock.

Then, like a little boy with a teddy bear, the already fading Douxie pulled a startled Archie into his arms and held him tight, curling up on his side with his furry prize. Although uncomfortable in his new position and robbed of his draconian dignity, Archie snuggled in and purred, content to listen to the steady breathing of his deeply sleeping familiar.

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86-was-his-year · 5 years ago

Text

Say My Name | Park Seonghwa Smut |

Warnings: Dom/sub relationship, swearing, selfcest (basically fucking yourself you'll see), oeal (female receiving), anal, male x male, voyeurism, hair pulling, chocking, use of belt as leash (?), crying (again), orgasm denial, orgasm control, Seonghwa being a dom, consensual non-con (but like not?? Idk if this falls in that category,everyone agrees but like non-verbally? Gonna put it here for the peeps who can't read things like this it's okay and of you need to talk I'm here), brief violence

Summary: Seonghwa has to beat his dark alter but it's not in the way you'd expect.

A/N: if you're not comfortable with selfcest you don't have to read and if you don't know what it is then I suggest you look it up so you know if you want to read this. Idk it's been stuck on my head lately and I wanna share my wonderful ideas with you!!

Everyone had a dark alter. You could meet them anywhere, at any age, and at any time. No one knows how it happened but the elders speculate that sometime somehow our two universes collided and pushed our dark alters into our world. There was chaos at first, no one knew who was the dark and who was the good many people went mad. People became obsessed with getting the dark alters into their own universe, scientists even dedicated their lives to it.

The dark alters roamed our world until we found a way to get them back. A man found his dark alter and fought him making sure that he made the dark alter recognize that he was the fake, that he was the copy. And he disappeared the dark alter went back into his own plane and the man was free, but that was ages ago it passed into legend and most people who met their dark alters never lived to tell about it, the dark alters taking their place in our universe.

I met my dark alter when I was a child at the age of 10. My parents were shocked but they couldn't help. To get rid of my dark alter jihad to make her see that I was the real one. I had to make her see that I had a real identity and she didn't belong here. My ten year old brain could only think of one thing that could take her down. A game of rock, paper, scissors. It was a risk but at the same time I was the reigning champ in my 4th grade class.

Well, the game went by easily. Loser had to say the winners name to show that they were the real identity and she faded away like dust blown off an old book. After that I was never the same. I became the youngest female to defeat her dark alter but if I was being honest the publicity and fame didn't make it worth it. Watching myself fade away like that is something I would never forget the pain in her face as she grasped her throat was something that has haunted my dreams almost every night. I was depressed and couldn't regain the happiness I had felt before watching her die, before I met Seonghwa.

His dark hair and dark eyes lured me in and ever since I've been in love with him. We met in freshman year of high school immediately bonding over a certain teacher we hated, convinced that she was actually the dark alter. No one with such a pretty face should be so evil. We figured out that We had most of the classes together and became friends, rumors spread and people talked and it all came back to us in the form of blushed cheeks and quiet giggles in class.

We went to college together and had been dating ever since we occasionally had our fights but who didn't. We always loved each other in the end and then we met his dark alter. Seonghwa had lost his cute boyish charm and was a man, the dark hair was no more and blonde hair took it's place. I personally loved it and I think he knew because every time his roots came in he would touch them up and make sure they were blonde as well.

I was walking around campus when I saw a familiar blonde boy walking with a girl. She was someone that Seonghwa and I had always hated. She had made fun of our relationship a multitude of times and I could feel the anger well inside me as I saw him slip his arm around her shoulder.

"Hey, Y/N!" I heard Seonghwas voice and looked further up. He was still talking to her but I couldn't hear him. A hand wrapped around my shoulder and turned me around. I saw Seonghwas bright smiling face and I immediately knew what was going on.

"S-Seonghwa?" My heart dropped when I saw the worry in his face.

"What's wrong babe? Are you okay?" His hands went up to my face and looked into my eyes. I could feel them start to well up, he would have to go through what I went through. He would have to defeat his dark alter. Once you see them one cannot live while the other walks in the same plane. There was a chance that I could lose him.

"I-He is here." He looked over at the pair and they haven't moved. Still talking and giggling together.

"Who is baby?" He was rubbing the fresh tear from my cheeks.

"Y-Your alter." I instantly saw his eyes darken. He looked around the hall and immediately sad him leaning against the wall, twirling the girls hair in his finger. He looked back at me before pulling me in for a tight hug. I could hear his heart beating against his ribs. He knew that he could lose, that I could lose him and we were both scared.

"It's okay baby, go home." He rubbed the back of my hair before pulling away. He handed me his bag and escorted me towards the door.

"Seonghwa what about you?" I turned in his grasp and stared at his dark drown eyes.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of him and he home before you know it." He pecked me lips and help the back of my neck. "You go straight home, do you understand me?" The authority came out in his voice and I bit my lip.

"Yes sir." He knew it was the only way to get me to do the things he asked and I knew I couldn't deny him in this state.I gave him one more kiss and walked out the doors to my car, regretting every step I took. Knowing that may be the last time I ever see him again.

The house was quiet. I had set down my stuff long ago and I was on the couch finishing some homework. It had been 2 hours since I last saw Seonghwa and my heart raced as I thought of what is happening to him right now. He could never walk through that door or he could but it could be the wrong one. Not my loving Seonghwa but his alter, someone who I wouldn't want to be face to face with ever.

Tears filled my eyes as I shut the book I was working on. I couldn't lose him, not to someone like that. Just as I was thinking about going to the school and finding him the door latch clicked and the door opened harshly.

"Seonghwa?" His hair was disheveled and he had small amounts of blood on his grey sweater. But that wasn't the worst part about it. He went further into the house dragging his alter by the hair. His nose had traces of blood on it but that's the only thing that was wrong with him.

I watched as the scene played out in front of me. Seonghwa shut the door and slammed his alter up against it. The shock I'm the dark alters face was evident. He thought that he was going to win the fight and here he was, pressed up against the door like an animal in a steel trap.

"You thought you could beat me?" Seonghwas voice was rough and scratchy. His hand slammed on the door behind his alter and I could see the fear in the alters eyes. The way he acted in the hall was nothing like I saw now. The wave of confidence had dried out and he was in the low tide.

"I-I" the alter had nothing to say his face winced in pain as Seonghwa pulled in his blonde locks. The alter grabbed at Seonghwas wrist and shuddered.

"Are you liking this? You like me pulling on your hair? Roughing you up like you deserve?" He took his hand from the door and put it to the alters throat and that's when I lost it. I was standing up at this point rubbing my legs together to get any kind of friction at all, the scene that was taking place too much for me. I whimpered and they both seemed to remember that I was here.

"Seonghwa?" I gasped out and he turned to me. His eyes dark and his face set, his dom face. I almost immediately wanted to call to my knees but I held myself up as he walked them both over to me, his hand still in the alters hair.

"Look baby, he submitted just like you did." He leaned into the alter pulling his head up to look Seonghwa in the eye, "all he needed was a few hits and he was on his knees begging for it to stop." Seonghwas mouth was so close to his alters that I could almost feel them on my own. He was teasing the alter and it was so fucking hot. The alter opened is mouth and fluttered his eyes shut. Seonghwa brushed his lips over the alters before pulling away the later trying to follow before Seonghwa pulled back on his hair, getting a tiny hiss out of the alter.

"Sir?" I watched as he turned to me, his aura demanding submission.

"I want you to go into the room, strip, and sit on the chair. Keep your legs apart." I shuddered as he grabbed my chin gently kissing my lips before setting me on my way. "As for you, I'm going to fuck you. Hard." I heard his words as I walked to the bedroom and I found myself moaning to myself. I was in for a show.

The cold air wasn't something to be desired but I heard them wrestling around in the living room and I began to pout they were doing something in there and it sounded like fun but I stayed with my feet planted to the floor as I imagined the scene that would happen in just a few minutes. He was going to fuck himself and I couldn't be more excited.

The footsteps became louder and louder and I gasped when they entered the room. His later was in nothing, his cock spring out onto his stomach leaking precum all over. Seonghwa had his shirt and his shoes off leaving him in nothing but his black jeans. The sight made my mouth water and I couldn't help the twitch in my leg as I saw what Seonghwa had done to his alter. His heavy black belt was around the alters neck and he was using it as a leash, the poor doppelganger looked helpless as Seonghwa pulled him along.

Seonghwa turned and looked at the man, he was shaking and I don’t think it was form the cold. His thighs and stomach tensed and relaxed in a spastic movement like he didn’t have any control over his body as Seonghwa rolled is hand around the belt, pulling the boy closer and closer to him until their naked chests were touching. The alter sighed at the contact and Seonghwa chuckled darkly.

“What a pretty boy,” He traced his forefinger along his jaw and held his chin in between his fingers. “Are you going to be a good boy for me?” Seonghwa yanked on the belt and the alter came forward before he was pushed back by his chin.

“I-I’ll be a good boy for you.” His voice was broken the weak sound of it had Seonghwa smirking.

“Wow, using his words. Y/N? What do you get when you behave?” He turned to me and that caused the alter to look at me as well. Two of the same face looking back at me yet one was significantly more wrecked than the other.

“A reward, Sir.” I put my hands on my thighs and dug my nails into the soft flesh there. Not touching myself was proving way harder than I thought. Seonghwa smiled at me before turning back to the alter.

“Good girl. You get a reward.” Seonghwa tilted the boys head up once more and planted his lips gently on the alters. He let out a breathy whine and it went straight to my core, the sound coming form the alters mouth desperate and choppy. The alter placed his hand on Seonghwas bicep and he pulled away ‘tsking’ at the boy.

“Please?” The alter leaned up again only to be stopped by Seonghwa.

“No touching, remember?” He gently took the alters hand off of his bicep and put it behind his back, the other following shortly. “Stay.” He ordered the dark and went back to his lips. He grabbed his jaw and tilted his head to get a better angle. The sound of their hard breath and the slight mashing of teeth and lips had me aroused all over again. Seonghwa was soft with his kiss yet I could feel the intensity from all the way on the other side of the room.

Seonghwa let the belt go and trialed his hand down the alters chest, flicking his nipples to get another heavenly sound out of the other boy. He smiled into the kiss and continued downward, scraping his blunt nails onto the boys torso. The alter let out a shocked gasp before searching for Seonghwas lips again. He seemed drunk off of his kiss, wanting more even though he already had what he wanted. It wasn’t until Seonghwa touched his cock that the alter backed away. Seonghwa was quick to grab the belt and bring him back in.

“What did I tell you to do?” Seonghwas voice was dark and I could tell that he wasn’t happy with the boy moving. I winced at his mistake, it was rookie but it was one that could easily be dismissed as inexperience. I know I did it in the beginning.

“You told m-me to stay.” His voice was shaky and his breath was increasing by the second.

“And you didn’t.” Seonghwas jaw was sharp and focused, he was gritting his teeth at the alter and I began to roll my hips as I watched it flex.

“But you-”

“Are you shy because I touched your cock?” My thighs twitched at his words and as I looked over them so did the alters.

“I- You.” He took a deep breath before continuing, “Yes, sir.” He looked at the ground like he was ashamed.

“It’s okay, pretty boy. Just relax.” He led the alter towards the bed and he sat on it, face to torso with the alter. If he bent down just three inches the boys cock would be in his mouth and my breath hitched at the thought. “Hands behind your back. Now, stay still. I’m not telling you again.” The soft encouragement in his voice was gone and he was commanding once again. He gripped his cock again and the alter whimpered, his fingers squeezing his forearms for support.

Seonghwa smirked up at the boy and I could see the enjoyment in his eyes. The little sparkle that popped in them when someone followed his orders correctly. He was stroking his cock firmly drawing it out as the alter whimpered and cried out, the sound of his precum sliding in between Seonghwas fingers became addicting. The boys whimpers got louder and louder, my whines following his.

“Are you going to cum?” Seonghwa stroked the boy faster, appearing to help him reach his high.

“Yes, Sir. I’m gonna fucking cum!” His cries filling the room. Seonghwa pulled off of his cock and put his hand on his thigh.

“Hold it. Don’t cum.” The alters cock was red and engorged. It wanted to release so bad and by the way he was rolling his hips into nothing he was almost there. Seonghwa had this evil power of knowing exactly when to stop touching you if he didn’t want you to cum. He’s done it to me multiple times and I could only empathize with the alter. The pain of not being able to cum when you know you could just unload is the hardest thing.

“Please, Sir. Please let me cum.” Seonghwa was moving his forefinger around his head pulling his finger off the watch the streams of precum connect his finger and the boys cock. The alter seemed out of breath and desperate as he pulled his hips away from Seonghwa only for Seonghwa to pull his hips back and continue his torture

“No,” Seonghwa stood up and cupped the boys jaw once again tilting his head before kissing him, his favorite distraction. “I want you to lay on the bed hands and knees. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.” The dark alter hiccuped and let his hand fall to his sides. Seonghwa walked over to me and grasped my chin smiling when I looked up at him.

“You’re being such a good girl today.” He bent down and kissed my lips tenderly. “Keep it up for me.” I nodded and he kissed me one last time before moving back to the bed. The dark alter was positioned exactly as he was told. Hand and knees with the belt dangling between his neck and the plush covers of the bed.

I watched closely as Seonghwa got what he needed form the bed side drawer. Lube and condoms. He was possibly the most responsible dom I’ve ever met and I smiled as he put them on the bed neatly before stripping completely. The control this man had amazed me sometimes, his cock was hard and at attention but it wasn’t red and touch starved like the alters was. I guess that was one thing that separated them.

“You have to relax for me baby boy.” Seonghwa was behind the boy, lube in one hand while the other rubbed up and down his back. The boy had his head down and was breathing shakily. He nodded his head and let his back arch instead on holding up like he was. His head came up and we made eye contact. The blush on his cheeks was amazing and I watching his eyes roll back as Seonghwa inserted the first finger.

“F-Fuck.” It was like the alters voice went up 10 whole octaves, nothing compared to Seonghwas dark tone that he was using throughout the night.

“You’re being such a good boy for me. Just relax let yourself feel it.” He was rubbing up and down the alters back, encouraging him to do the best he could while rewarding him for his efforts. Seonghwa had picked up a steady pace and the boy didn’t care what he looked like anymore. He was moaning and fucking himself back on Seonghwas fingers, his cock twitching and his voice raising every time Seonghwas hit that special spot inside of him.

“Can I have your cock, please?” The alters voice was sharp and cut off by moans but he made his sentence out. His eyes were permanently shut for the time being and I watched as pleasure rolled off of his face every time Seonghwa pulled out and pushed back in.

“You want my cock? You think you can handle it?” He was teasing the alter but he was also stalling. He wanted to make sure he was stretched out even before he tried to put his cock anywhere near his ass. The alter was getting impatient and Seonghwa would let that happen as long as it didn’t go to his head.

“Yes, sir I want your cock. Please.” The alter whimpered as Seonghwa pulled his fingers out. The alter was a panting mess, his eyes were glossed over and I wanted nothing more that to come over a tell him how good he was doing. Seonghwa was gently rubbing the swell of his ass and I guess that was acknowledgement enough, I watched as Seonghwa rolled a condom on his eyebrows drawing in the middle of his forehead with pleasure.

“Are you ready?” Seonghwa was asking a serious question but it had a teasing lift to his voice to keep the mood up. The alters back was arching and shaking at the same time. He was trying to run away from the feeling but he was also trying to go towards it, his thighs trying to push together.

Seonghwa was the master of going slow, letting whoever he was fucking to adjust to him however long they wanted. It was no different when he was fucking his dark alter he let him take some deep breaths before putting the head of his cock against the alters puckering hole, pushing in when he felt the alter was ready.

“Fuck!” The alter let out a loud yell and threw his head up. It was hard to tell whether it was from pleasure of from pain but Seonghwa stopped and rubbed the boys back encouraging him to relax once more and let Seonghwa continue. It was so hard to see but I could tell that Seonghwa bottom out when he bit his lip. He doesn’t like to let out moans when he’s in charge showing that the person didn’t make him weak even if they did. The alter shuddered and let out the most beautiful sounds. I couldn’t help but close my legs and hope that it would give me some type of friction.

“Baby, what did I tell you to do?” Seonghwas voice wasn’t strained or held back and I whimpered at the feeling in the pit of my stomach.

“To keep my legs open.” I complied and opened them back up, putting them on the arms of the chair this time.

“So good for me.” He looked down to the area that his dick and the alters ass met and pulled back just a bit before slowly pushing back in. The alters arms began to shake and he just gave up his face falling into the mattress as Seonghwa continued his shallow thrusts. His whines and whimpers were concealed by the thick cover on the mattress and I guess Seonghwa didn’t like that because he bent down and grabbed the alter by he hair, pushing his head up and his back automatically went into a smooth arch.

“Fuck, I can’t take it. Please I want to cum.” His voice was high and whiny, the sound of him crying out echoing around the room.

“Oh baby are you crying?” Seonghwa pulled back again and then pushed forward, moving the alters whole body as the sound of skin slapping on skin continuing to echo around the room.

“Yes, I need to cum please fuck me.” His words were coming out short and jumbled.

"You shouldn't be crying we barely begun." The alters eyes rolled back into his head and his cock began to leak profusely.

"Please, please, please!" His begging was only getting him so far, Seonghwa was a sucker for begging and I could tell it was really getting to him. His speed picked up and the alters breath began to hitch in his throat.

"You want to cum?" Seonghwa slowed down again and was lightly rolling his hips into the alter.

"Yes, please Sir! I want to cum so bad." The alter looked up at me almost begging me to let him cum and I gave him him a sad smile.

"You gotta do one thing for me," Senghwa pushed in quickly and the alters jaw fell open, "Say my name." The alter gasped and went to look back at Seonghwa only to be stopped by the hand in his hair.

The alter swallowed and nodded and that was Seonghwas invitation to start pounding into the boy, his hips meeting the alters ass with such force. Seonghwa pulled him up by his hair and put one hand around his throat while the other went straight to his cock, stoking it smoothly.

"You can cum, baby. You did so fucking good for me." Seonghwa bit the alters shoulder and the alter finally released.

"Seonghwa!" His voice was broken but he said his name. Seonghwa pulled out and peeled off the condom before throwing it in the trash bin by our bed. The alter was laying scrunched up in the bed as he began fading away. His eyebrows went together and he sighed before completely disappearing.

"Fuck," Seonghwa ran his hand through his hair before looking up to me. "You're glistening, sweetheart." I looked up at his smirking face and blushed. I felt so vulnerable as my juices flowed put of me and onto the chair.

"It hurts." I put on my best whine for him and he shook his head while getting up and and walking over to me.

"It does, doesn't it?" I nodded and he grabbed my chin, images flashed in my head of Seonghwa grabbing his alter by the chin and I whimpered. "Would you like your reward?"

"Yes please, Sir." He chuckled and let me stand up, the feeling of my thighs touching has my head spinning. It was giving me the friction I wanted and I indulged in the feeling. The room was hot and both Seonghwa and me had a thin layer of sweat on our bodies. I mean Seonghwas was a little more understandable because he just fucked someone into oblivion, literally. As we laid on the bed I thought more and more about the dark alter. The way his face scrunched and he just disappeared.

“What’s wrong baby?” Seonghwas head was already in between my thighs and he placed light kisses on my calves and thighs.

“Do you think he’s dead?” I took a deep breath as Seonghwa nipped at the soft skin of my thigh. He nuzzled his head into my leg and looked up at me.

“I think he’s okay. I think he’s back where he belongs now.” His dominate persona was gone and it was the loving Seonghwa. He didn’t let his loving side come out when we were in the bedroom but I think he could tell I was struggling with the alter and he just wanted to be himself.

“How do you know that for sure?” I asked while grabbing the sheets under my fingers.

“I can feel it. He’s okay, I think they were just here by mistake. A chance meeting." He kissed up my thighs again and my breath hitched.

"Please make me cum." The confirmation that the alter was seemingly okay helped me relax and I gripped the sheets below me. I had been waiting for him to do something the whole night and I was aching at this point.

"You don't have to hold it today baby. I give your permission to cum." That meant I was a really good girl today and he was impressed. Getting permission to cum beforehand was the biggest acknowledgement of my good behavior and was indulging in the non verbal praise.

Seonghwa went right for it, giving my clit small kitten licks before finally just going at it. The sounds were the dirtiest things ice ever heard, Seonghwa moaning against my clit as his tongue smeared my juices everywhere. It could be something out of a porno and I bucked my hips into his mouth. He gave my clit a light nip and it had my eyes rolling backwards, it was a warning for me to calm down and stay still but it felt so damn good. He wrapped his arms around my thighs and pushed them open more while holding them down, giving him better access to his work. After all this time watching him fuck his alter I could burst, the vibrations and the sucking of my clit al.kst pulling me off the edge.

"Please please please. I'm so fucking close. I need to cum please, sir." I knew I had his permission but I couldn't help but ask. It was so ingrained in my brain that, 9 times out of 10 I wouldn't cum without it.

"Be a good girl and cum for me. You can do it." He stopped briefly to encourage before going back a nipping my clit before sucking on it and that's what pushed me forward. It needed that one bit of praise, that one bit of encouragement and I could do it.

My vision went white and I squeezed the sheets with all the strength I had left. After an hour of sitting with no friction the orgasm tore me apart. I could feel myself screaming and I could feel my legs shake around his head. As he continued to push me through my orgasm, pulling every ounce of pleasure from me until I was flinching and bucking my hips from the sensitivity.

"You're such a good girl." He kissed up my body until he found me lips, slowly molding then together until I could taste myself in his lips. I moaned and my legs closed around his hips, the throbbing of my clit making it hard to focus.

"I'm sleepy." The orgasm had drained everything in me and I just wanted to sleep. He chuckled and got off of the bed letting the cold air assault my most sensitive areas. He came back from the bathroom with a pair of boxers on, and washcloth, and an extra t-shirt. He wiped me up gently even though I closed my legs around his hand a couple of times, and put me in his t shirt before covering us up.

"Good night, baby. I love you." He whispered into my ear as he pulled me closer to him, my head on his chest.

"I love you too."

It was a good night but the thought of the alter swam around into my mind, clouding my dreams with the thought of him and Seonghwa.

#Seonghwa smut #ateez smut #ateez x reader #park seonghwa x reader #hala hala au #park seonghwa #yeosang #mingi #jongho #san #wooyoung #hongjoong #yunho #ateez

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nico-idc · 4 years ago

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random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that. Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently.

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why.

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now.

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

youtube

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression.

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory.

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions.

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”.

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt.

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first.

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

#cussing tw #swearing tw #tw suicide mention #tw self harm #tw eating disorder #vent post

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havntednlost · 5 years ago

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The main problem: my mother.

Her and my social life.

She's my fucking hell. Since I was born. She never allowed me to do anything along with my father (that was waaaaaay more possessive and jealous when I was a child while now with my little sister he's all like "do whatever you want it's fine").

She never respected my privacy. My spaces. My decisions. My opinions. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion. I wasn't allowed to speak when she decided something. I wasn't allowed to choose my friends. I wasn't allowed to speak to some people I defined friends because they weren't okay for her. She'd always decided who I had to talk to and how I had to behave. She always shushed me when I wanted to say something that she thought could've been against her decision. I grew up with her ideas, with her ways of talking and acting. She was manipulating me, creating a copy of her. She wanted to see her in me. (You failed. Ops?🤭) And I was always alone. I never had friends. The only friends I could make were people with disabilities. Because others couldn't stand me. Others hated me or made fun of me. Since I was 6 (elementary school) to being 10 I only talked to people who had difficulties at school or were handicapped. I felt like they didn't judge me. And I felt like they were okay with me being their friend.

What does not having friends has to do with my mother?

Well easy: my social life was in her hands. And that's why I never had anyone by my side. Because no one was okay for her. Only one or maybe two people. And I never complained about it. Because she made me grow up like that. I had to shut up and just do what she said. In my childhood I remember disobeying just a couple of times to my mother. Consequences? Being hit. She slapped me in the face so hard she made me cry. Once she slapped me in front of my classmates in that way. My teacher told her it wasn't necessary and mum just used a polite way to say "fuck you I am her mother and I decide how she has to grow up". My teacher had to shut up while he was caressing me and making me calm down. In that moment I forgot I was in class. I must remember being in my teacher's arms and feeling safe, far from my mum's hands. I was 8 if I'm not wrong.

So, elementary school ended. Middle school started. First year. Me, still with the mentality of a child. Naive. Too innocent and silly to understand the world I was going to face. Middle school was the worst period of my life. I've been bullied all the three years.

First year: Afraid. Always defensive. But willing to be a perfect student just as I was at the previous school. It was just me and other four girls (way smarter than me because they didn't live like they were perfect dolls to keep in a house-cage) and then 15 boys. One of them had a crush on me. I rejected him. I got no will to talk about that embarrassing story. After that also this boy + all the girls made fun of me and bullied me and called me names like: horse, camel, annoying, stupid and stuff like that. I was absolutely not used to being talked to like that, consequently it was one of the first traumas I've experienced in first person, without having my mother "by my side" "to dEfENd me". First year ends and I made no friends.

My parents decide to move to another city. Caserta. Close to Naples. I spent two years there. It was a fucking hell. People there were like... the plastics of mean girls. We were 10 girls and 13 boys. Way better, I thought. Ugh, I was wrong. Boys were terrible, worse than the ones at the other school and girls? Damn, they were all Regina George. It was when my depression symptoms started, along with anxiety. They talked at my back, saying bad stuff about me. How I found out? My mother was going through my chats (without me knowing, of course) and she called me to tell me. I read the group chat. They started saying "Is Maria in this group? No? Are you sure? Yes". So after establishing that I wasn't there they started saying things like: Oh luckily she isn't. She's so annoying. Why the fuck did she came to our school? Couldn't she stay at her old one? She's so ugly and stupid. No one can stand her. No one wants her. And she thinks we're her friends! 😂😂😂 She thinks she's better than us! (totally untrue) She's no one. etc...

Now imagine me crying while reading everything because I didn't expect it.

My mother: Didn't you expect all of this? It was obvious.

Well sorry if I was too stupid because I grew up thinking people were good and I would've faced a world full of roses and love.

I just told her I didn't. Your fault, darling.

Day after. My mother goes to school and talks to my teacher about it. My teacher defends me and helps me with that and the thing is solved. But my classmates just hate me more and more. And they just keep bullying me but more subtly so that no one notices. But I was a bit smarter because I had my cousin (I will dedicate another post to this special person ❤️) that was helping me to go through all the shit and giving me advice.

Middle school ends.

I am not homophobic anymore (like my parents taught me to be). I start having doubts about my sexuality but ignore them. My depression gets worse and worse.

My mother gets worse and worse. Starting to prefer my two brothers and little sister over me for everything. I was needed just to clean the house and to be yelled at for wearing always black, being unsocial, always staying on my own in the dark, always with my phone, always listening to music, always being sad or angry, never smiling, staying up after 10pm for watching TV series or reading, not studying much etc...

(Want a hint my dear mother? I was/am depressed.)

In this period I start having suicidal thoughts. Still because of my parents. My cousin supporting me and telling me is silly and that there are other options.

We move back to Naples.

I am now 14.

Highschool starts. First year is shit because I get bullied again but I start making friends. A group of 7 people (me included). My mother says they're okay. Fucking finally.

Alessia, Gabriella, Chiara, Simona, Sara, Andreea (romanian). Fucking amazing friends. Disgustingly amazing.

My grades are low. My parents keep hating on me and yelling at me for that. But my friends support me.

In the meanwhile I get to know a girl on the Internet. We become close friends and that develops in feelings. We start a relationship. Let's be clear. It wasn't. It was just based on the fact that we had the same problems and she gave me a lot of affection, and I thought it was love.

One day my mother takes my phone, again, without me knowing, and reads all of my chats.

She finds out about this girl. I was terrified and so I confess. My first coming out. She says nothing. She goes to my dad and tells him. My dad yells "Go away! Go away from my sight!" and I go to the kitchen terrified. Crying and sobbing. We sit. Me, my mother and my dad. They start talking to me. A sum up:

I don't remember how my mother started talking. I removed it because it was traumatic, all I remember is her saying shit about that poor girl.

I say "Mum, what's wrong with gays? They're just like us"

Mum slaps me. Hard as fuck. I was shook. Scared. Hurt. Confused.

After that they start talking about how wrong is being gay, that God doesn't accept it, that it's not natural, that it's just a phase, that only animals have gay sex and that's why we humans are different from animals that must follow their instincts. They keep repeating the same things in different ways for 3 hours. I am not kidding. 3 hours. From 3pm to 6:30pm only talking about this. (Want to know what I've done all this time? I just nodded. I kept on nodding because I was afraid to talk.)

Mum deletes and blocks every number and friends from Internet and takes my SIM card and puts it in her phone so she can check all my chats from her phone. She throws my phone away breaking it.

Nighttime: No sleep. Everytime I fell asleep I had nightmares so I woke up. Sobbing. Crying. I can't fucking breathe. A fucking hell.

Morning: I wake up totally empty and with a dead face. My parents are in the kitchen. They warmly say "good morning" and ask me to sit. I sit on the couch. They ask me "how are you". My answer: HOW AM I?? HOW AM I YOU FUCKER?????!!!!! YOU'RE REALLY ASKING ME HOW ARE YOU WITH THIS NONCHALANCE???? FUCKING KILL YOURSELF. My actual answer:.... i'm tired.

I don't remember anything else after that. Trauma I guess.

I am not a psychologist but I'm pretty sure I'm fucked up.

So after this happens I tell everything to my cousin. She doesn't believe that. She actually doesn't. She was too shocked to believe it. Haha, same sis. I don't either.

So, it takes a while for her to process everything and that's when our friendship starts for real. (We were good friends since I was 12. We grew up together, but there has never been an actual friendship because of how I was as a child. A pretty horrible child.) She starts helping me with my mother and all the stuff. We start getting closer and closer as time goes by and as my mother keeps being a bitch.

Second year of highschool.

My fucking favourite. It was such a good time. My grades weren't the best, my depression was fucking me up more than ever, my anxiety was kicking me out, but.. I had my friends. With a new entry. Simona. Yeah another one. Alessia changes school. So it's still 7 of us.

I swear if it wasn't for my friends that year and my cousin. I would've killed myself. Going back home from school everyday was basically going back to hell every fucking day.

dude: go to hell

me: awww where do you think i came from honey?

Then... that summer comes. Summer 2018.

I argue with my friends because of my parents, giving them the fault of everything. I keep them away from me. My mother gets even worse. She's against me like I am her enemy. She yells at me for everything. Every single thing.

me: *wakes up*

mother: WHY DID YOU WAKE UP GO BACK TO SLEEP AND SLEEP PROPERLY LIKE A LADY YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

She separates me from my cousin because she talked back at her (after she said bad things about my cousin's mother at her face) and here, another trauma. She calls me whore, liar, bitch because I didn't defend her like my cousin did with her mother (sorry but i hate you bitch). She says it's all my fault because I told my cousin everything about the bad things she did to me. That day goes away and my mother calms down and says it's not my fault but my cousin's because she's a bitch. I have no chance to talk to her for a month then we finally meet when my mother isn't at home. Since then we talk without no one of my family knowing. (It will be 3 years this summer, she never knew we do. How stupid can she be thinking I wouldn't talk to my favourite person ever because she said so).

September comes. Back to school. Third year. No friends. Low grades. No will to study. No will to live. But my cousin has my back. She keeps me alive, in fact I tried to kill myself multiple times. I failed. (Now I'm happy I didn't.) I pass that year. Not after another trauma. I seek for help at school. My teacher tells my mother about it and tells her that I am bisexual, atheist and I'm not okay in my family.

Thanks for ruining me, teacher. I expressively told her not to talk about it with my mother buuuut okay.

Quick sum up: I come back from school, my mother is crying. She starts saying things like "You don't want me as a mother? You don't like me? You hate me?" and I said no (not knowing that she knew what I said at school). Then the evening she walks to me and sits near me.

"Tell me the truth"

I was obviously confused. So she confesses what she knows. I was expecting the worst. It ended up with me talking to my uncles because my mother was "tOo hUrt" to talk to me.

"It's just a phase." "I hated my parents too." "You're too young to say these things." "You can't say you're bisexual if you never experienced anything."

It ended up with me faking a hug and "I'm sorry mum, I exaggerated." (obviously it was just to make everything stop).

bonus

me: *wants help to fight a difficult situation*

mum: *gets to know about it* YOU HURT ME YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH.

also mum: *reproaches it to my face everytime she's mad at me*

Fourth year starts. This is my year. This year. 2019/2020. It started perfectly. Good grades, my friends are back.

We move again. Tivoli (Rome). I am fucking happy with that. Expect for the fact that I can't meet my cousin anymore. But of course we can chat. Secretly on Telegram. Because my mother doesn't know what it is. Also, she stopped checking my phone, finally.

So, now. I'm 17, fourth year of highschool. Here I have no friends because they all suck. I miss my friends from Naples. And I wish I was free from my parents.

Some parts are not detailed. This because I will dedicate to them other posts otherwise this one would've been waaaaaay longer. And it's already too long.

No one will read these long posts but in case you're doing it, thank you ❤.

#my mother is satan #i hate my mother #my parents are crazy #fuck my parents #fuck my family #depression #anxiety #no social life #i have no social life #i have no friends #it's all my mothers fault

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livcosmos · 5 years ago

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Queen of Air and Darkness booktalk

Well, I am directly going in with the spoilers so if go read it and then come back to discuss, it was AMAZING so just read it.

SPOILER ALERT

So I don't even know where to start it had it all I cried a lot I laughed I was emotional, happy, sad, frustrated, angry I felt it all it was just wonderful, amazing and great. I took a lot of notes while reading and I have a feeling that this is going to be a very long review so let's get started.

So let's start with the beginning, we started where we left Lord of shadows and oh boy that was painfull, seeing Jules so hurt was so so sad and it was so unbearable but I am happy Emma was there, ah I just love them I love Emma so much and I love Jules even more but I have to say that Jules has done some bad shit in this book and I wasn’t there for it, I was so so excited to be reunited with him after I read Lord of Shadows and had to do that reading pause because of school I was so excited to see him again but no... half of the book Jules was not Jules and jgjhgkggk but we will get to that later. So, Jules, it was so heartbreaking to see him like that and all the other Blackthorns deal with Livvy’s death but also Izzy as I wrote in my review for Lord of Shadows I was so afraid to see her suffer for her dad and we got to see that and it was so so sad, I love Izzy so much and I want her to be happy. But I am so happy Simon was there, Simon is amazing he is the sunlight that shines throw the dark he is always so funny, I want to hug him I am so happy he is there for Izzy. And from that scene, we moved on to Julian and Emma and I was like I love you guys but what in the world are you doing are you out of your minds?? Jules, I know you are in pain, your sister has just died and everything but we don't need you to take a shower with Emma it is so inappropriate to do that know and besides there is the curse and... I was happy but also sad when he left, happy because of the course and sad because he just let Emma there and went to a very dumb thing and that was to go to Magnus so that he can put that to spell on him and hgjhkgjhg I know in the end it was a good thing because if Magnus wouldn’t have done that the curse would have happened to soon but from that moment on Julian was no more my Jules and he was so mean and I couldn't handle him actions I just couldn't it was too much. When he killed Dane I seriously started to think that maybe he was like that the whole time and I was just blinded of love for him but when he was back to himself again I was again in love with him and I forgot everything but anyway that was so hard to deal with and poor Emma he hurt her so much while he was under the spell. Another emotional moment for me was when Jem came to the funeral and talked to Emma, I think it is not a secret anymore that Jem is my biggest love. I read his name and I immediately started crying I just couldn't help it, and when he told Emma that Tessa was pregnant I was crying, even more, I am so incredibly happy for them, I love them so much I can't even put into words how much I adore them. But you know who else I love? Cristina omg I love her so much I think I said that before but in this book I loved her, even more, she is just so amazing and even though it is so wired I ship her so much with Kieran and Mark and I never thought that I would ever say this after what happened in Lady Midnight but I have not only forgiven Kieran for what he has done but I really started to like him and also Mark I was unsure about him but now I can say I like him. They are both so so adorable when they don't know things from the normal mundane world and the scene with Dru and Kieran when they talk about his feeling was so funny. Mark and Kieran are so great. And I really hope things work out between them and Cristina through all the distance, I think Kieran is a great King but I also want him to be happy so I am very curious to find out how things are looking in the Wicked Powers. I know I sais I wouldn’t read them but know I am not so sure anymore because this book didn’t feel like an ending there are so many things that aren’t solved jet and I am not sure if I can handle not knowing what will happen. Oh and Mark I am so happy he is going to New York with Cristina to be part of the Shadowhunter and Downworlders Alliance that is so incredibly cool and I am so happy for him. And that I mentioned the not really ending part I also would have loved to get more informations about the Rosales family and the Eternidad how it came into the family and also those time stopping necklaces why those Cristina have one? There are so many questions. I am checking the notes I took while I am writing this and I just saw a note referring to the scene where Julian kills Dane and I have to quote myself here because it is so accurate: “Jules killer, not my Jules missing Jem hate the new Julian freaks me out”, nothing says better what I felt when I read that part then this. Now I am jumping up and down my notes and I coming off-topic so the next thing on the list is Dru. Oh, that girl gave me a hard time so I disliked her so much, in the beginning, I thought she was so so mean to Helen and she was treating her so bad when Helen only deserves the best and I was so angry with Dru. But with the time I started to understand her, not like her just understand why she has done and said some things and besides she was pretty cool at the end where she got Jamie, Diego, and Jia out of jail and in the scene where it was her idea to talk to Jules and Emma even though they could have killed her and the others. So, Jamie, I have to say something about Jamie and that is, that I love him. I really love Jamie I think he is so cool and funny and everything but I don't want him to be with Dru I know that there is the possibility for them to be together in that Wicked Powers and I am not there for this relationship I don't know it is just that I love Jamie and I don't like Dru. But there is also Tavvy I love him he is so sweet, I want to hug him. I also like that he is playing with Rafe and Max I am happy he has friends his age and I am also very excited to see him when he is a little older when he is 15 or 16 I think it would be so interesting. Now let’s talk about Horace oh this guy gave me a hard hard time, I am asking you how can you be like that? How can you be such a horrible person how? When Dianna had her incredibly badass moment where she cut his hand of I was so happy I love Dianna and she was so incredibly cool at that moment ( and besides I loved her relationship with Gwyn in this book even more than in the last one) and that’s what he gets if he is being such a terrible human being. And his daughter is as bad as him omg she freaked me out so so much she is such a bitch like omg Emma showed her mercy twice and what is she doing exactly she stabs Emma in the back. You don’t do that what kind of Shadowhunter is she, what kind of human is she you don’t stab someone who is defenseless in the back you just don’t do that. And who gave her the right to take Cortana I mean she clearly wanted to be like Emma and she thought that if she has Cortana she would be like her or what? No, my dear Zara if you have Cortana you are not even nearly as good as Emma. The moment when Cortana flew into Emma’ s hand was the best moment it was so amazing I was like there you have it you bitch, take that Zara. And that we talking of flying weapons, Gwyn also had a similar moment with his hatchet and I remember laughing out loud at that moment because it made think of Thor and how Gwyn is like a weird version of him I don't know why but I thought it was so funny. Alright so back to Julian and Emma in Feryie, so fake Julian lied to Emma and he has a copy of the black book and he wants to bring it to the Seelie Queen and oh boy I knew from the first moment that that was an incredibly bad idea of course she was going to betray them what was Julian thinking I mean hello again we are talking about the Seelie Queen. I am so happy Nene helped them she was so nice and I am happy that she is free now. So Jules and Emma are at the Unseelie Court and see Annabell and Ash so first of all Annabell she just annoyed me this whole book she was just there to make trouble every time she showed up I was like why are you still here you are just here to be annoying why don’t you die I hate you? But I must say I would have liked to see how she was when she was really alive you know, that would have been interesting and I would have also liked to know what went through her head when she murdered Robert and Livvy like why did she kill them? So and there is Ash, I knew the day had to come when the son of Sebastian and the Seelie Queen finally appears and I have no idea what to think of him, at first I liked him he seamed nice and he reminded me of Sebastian and I was like omg because even though Sebastian was so incredibly evil and mean, he is kind of my favorite villain of all time, I kind of always liked Sebastian, I know that's wired. (And then there was Sebastian of Thule and I was like how could you ever think of Sebastian in a good way are you crazy?) So Ash I still don’t know what to think of him I mean the ending of this book was so weird and open like now he is with his evil mother and evil Jace and hjgjgkhgg evil Jace wants Clary and this all can’t be good and as I said this book didn’t feel like a finale. What is going to happen? Is there going to be a fight between the two Jace’s what will happen there are so many questions! And that I mentioned Jace you know I live him and Clary extremely much and I was so incredibly happy to see him and Clary, to see that they are ok and to know that thanks to their angel blood they could use steles and seraph blades in Fearye and I more than enjoyed the parts from their point of few because I missed them so much I forgot how much I loved them it was like coming home again. And my book also had the short story where Clary is proposing to Jace and oh my goodness my heart it was so incredibly emotional I cried. It was also so emotional to see how much time has passed, through how much they have been through and how things changed. That short story was everything ist was beautiful and I am so happy that everything is ok and that there are engaged and ah I love them. Now let's talk about that battle in the Unseelie Court because in my opinion that was the best battle of all time it sounds so weird to say it but I enjoyed that battle. It was so nice to see them all fight together, to see Jace and Clary fight again and there was Kieren killing his dad and I don't know I thought that battle was so cool. And omg Julian fighting that strange rider with the figurine that Simon gave him was the best thing, it was so funny. And I forgot to mention how funny it was when the Unseelie King was like here I have an exact copy of the Black Book made by a powerfull named OfficeMax, that was so funny. But to get back to the battle when Julian and Emma jumped through that portal I was like are you two you crazy??? How many things can go wrong in one book who many? From that moment on I was trying to get used to the feeling that nothing is going to be good anymore but luckily we got through it all. It is so amazing how Cassie makes a problem that brings other thousend problems and you think that nothing is going to be good ever again that the sun will never shine again and then she just solved the problem in the easiest way, the easy way that was always there in front of your eyes but you never saw, that amazes me. So I know there was a lot to deal with in that battle but I am still asking myself why didn't someone take the King’s Krown I mean I am sure there was time and if someone would have done that, that would have spared us the whole thing with Kirean’s brother beeing the King and everything. But it was interesting anyway to see things from Manuel’s point of few, to see what he thinks but I am still asking myself does he still have that thing with Ashe’s blood in it that he took from the King because we know that that demon at the end hat a similar thing around his neck but was it really the thing with Ashe’s blood because I don’t think so. Manuel seems like he would keep something like that for himself and if he still has it I am afraid of what he is going to do with it. But now before we get into the Thule story I also wanted to mention that I really like Alenie she was so cool through this whole book and it is so lovely how she always supports Helen with everything and the way she handled the kids was so funny and her idea to save the Downworlders was so cool and funny, Alenie is just great. And I also have to say something about the Cohort, so I have no idea how these people could think that doing such horible things will do them well they were only distorting themselves their world, what they wanted to to to their world was just awful I mean burining down the Borcelindforest, wanting to separate themselves from the Downworlders almost tarting a war end everything that is so so horrible.The Cohort just angered me the whole time because of what they were doing and deciding they are so horrible. When they said they killed Kaelie, the waitress from New York I was so sad and angry how could they do such a horrible thing like that?

And how can I present to you the world gets down and so does my soul in Thule. I don't even know where to start because this Thule section had me crying the whole time. I start with the easiest thing and that is that I was more than happy to have my Jules back to have the Julian with emotions and the nice and lovely Julian that I love back that was very good and I was very happy about it and I was also happy that from there on we got more from his point of few because while he was without emotions we only got a tiny part from his point of few and I missed him so I was also happy so because of that the first note I took after the arrival in Thule was “Jules is back love love love things maybe better so happy Jules back omg” and than “Kind of like Thule” only to keep on reading and realizing that Thule is horrible so I wrote “Hate Thule hate what happens there”. But to take things in order so we meat Livvy from Thule end even though I was happy to see her this version of her was so so different from our Livvy so that I didn’t really like Thule Livvy I mean yes she is a cool badass there but I just missed the true Livvy. But Cameron was great I liked Cameron and I would have liked to see more of the Cameron from our world. It was so incredibly sad when they looked at him in Silent City it was so terrible. And omg the story that Livvy told Jules and Emma about what happened to the Blackthorn family was even more heartbreaking and it made me realized how bad Sebastian is and how bad things would have been if he would have won the battle it is so scary to think about that.But the ting that really broke, I was sobbing I was on the floor crying was the fact that Jem was death there, that he never got to be Jem again and that Tessa was suffering and when Tessa died, those things where way too much for me I know I can hardly handle only reading Jem’s name imagine how I felt when I read that sentence where Tessa says that Jem is dead, it was more than heartbreaking it was pure torture. And omg we saw Raphael, I love Raphael I was so happy to see him but it also made me very sad because I knew that the real Raphael isn’t there anymore. EAH and we saw Maia with Bat there and in the real world and eah eah eah I am still mad at her because of what happened to Jordan I will never forgive her I so so dislike her. What happened with Jordan from Thule anyway it would have been interesting to find out. But there was in Thule this beautiful scene with Julian where he started to draw again and he said those beautiful things about art, his words followed me from that moment on what he said was so beautiful. I love him so much. When they got back home from Thule I was so happy to be back home in the normal world I was so happy everything was there even though they weren't perfect I was more than glad to be back where Jem and Tessa are alive and where things are as good as they can be. But I was sad that Julian was under the spell again and that scare he made himself on his arm was so ugly end it broke my hearth that he had done that to himself so I was so happy that Magnus made it disapere. Omg so I love, Magnus I loved Magnus before but after those books, I love him, even more, he is one of the best persons. I wanted to talk about this late but I am doing it now, so Alec’s and Magnus’ wedding was so emotional I was once again crying it was so beautiful and I was so happy to finally see this wedding and to see them so happy. But I have to say I was really really sad, that Jem and Tessa weren't there at the wedding I mean Tessa is one of Magnus’ best friends they lived together and they have been thorough so much together why didn’t they go to the wedding WHY??And I am more than proud of Alec that he is now Consul there is no other person that is better for this job I have so much faith in him. I am also happy that Diego is going to be the new Inquisitor but I personally would have liked Diana to be the new Inquisitor but Diego is going to do a great job so it’s alright. And Ragnor is back as I aid he would be in my last review and I am so happy about it I am happy for him Magnus and Caterina, that they are reunited again but I have a question why was he hiding? Where was he this whole time why didn’t he communicate with Magnus and Caterina? I would like to know those things. Let’s talk about Ty and Kit now because I didn't say anything about them and there is a lot to say. So let's start with the fact that I now like Kit as you might remember I said I wasn’t sure what to think of him but now I am ready to say, that I like him he is funny and great.The whole storyline with him and Ty was so heartbreaking. I felt so sorry for Ty it was so sad to see what he went through how he was so convinced that he is going to bring Livvy back and it was so sad to see him doing all those things he normally wouldn't do, I really thought he is going to stop all of it after he read the letter from Livvy from Thule but unfortunately he didn’t and he had changed so much and I missed the old detective Ty and I wanted to hug him and tell him that everything is going to be ok and it was so sad because Julian wasn’t there for him and when he came back from Thule he had no emotions and Ty wanted to talk to him but he brushed him off omg that was so sad. And poor Kit should have stopped him, it broke my heart to see how much he loves Ty and how Ty is only concentrated at Livvy and won't see what Kit is feeling.The scene where Livvy first came as a ghost was so so sad. And at the end when Kit was watching from the distance and how he didn’t want to say goodbye that broke my heart one more time it was so sad, those two need to be together. But I was so happy that Jem and Tessa are now Kit’s parents I am so happy, it means that we are definitely going to see Jem and Tessa in the Wicked Powers and omg that is so exciting. And it is so sweet that Kit said through the book a few times that she would like to have a sibling and now he is going to have one that is so nice and sweet. When Tessa asked him if she wanted to move with her and Jem, I cried because that was so emotional it was such a nice and sweet moment. Omg, I didn’t talk about Kit’s powers omg that scene where he saved Emma was so cool and I am so excited to know more about his powers they are so interesting. I would be so interesting to see how the Seelie Queen would react if she finds out who Kit is and I am so excited to find out what will happen, is there going to be a fight between Ash and Kit? Is Kit going to be the new King so that Kieran can live a happy life with Cristina and Mark? (Bye the way I forgot to mention how sweet it was from Adaon to give Kieran his cottage so that he could meet Cristina and Mark there.) And what are the consequences of bringing Livvy back? And even though I am not happy about how things ended between Ty and Kit I am happy that Ty is at least now a little more aware of Dru and now they can be there for each other. There was something that I didn’t know I was missing until it was there again and those things are the conversations between Emma and Mark, they had so nice conversations in the past book and I really enjoyed them but now they only got to talk to each other once and that is a little sad because I love their friendship, I love to see them together. When Julian gathered everyone together so that they can discuss what they are going to against the Cohort was so emotional it was so beautiful I had tears in my eyes and wanted to hug Julian so so so hard at that moment because he is a genius he is a freaking genius, he had planned everything so perfectly and he is so so smart and it was such a nice way to honor Livvy and ah it filled my heart with even more love for him. And the scene where they were all around the campfire, eating smores, that was another amazing scene I loved it so much again it made so emotional it was so beautiful and funny and heartwarming it was so adorable. Omg, the scene in the Silent City where Emma wanted to break the Parabatai rune was so intense and what Julian said to her was so beautiful and emotional, Julian always has the right words. I was so worried this whole time that tey were going to break all Parabatai bounds and I am so happy they didn’t I am so happy things worked out in the end so well. When Emma was dying and Julian said those beautiful things to her I was crying so so bad because they were so beautiful and it was so beautiful and sweet that after they turned back to normal they were holding hands. I am more than happy that they can now be together, I am so happy that Julian can finally take a break from being a father, that he can love his life and be a normal boy his age. The scene after they woke up, when Jem told them what happened was so emotional I was so happy I couldn't believe it, I was crying tears of happiness for them, it was so beautiful see them so happy. Ah and besides I love how even though Jem is not a Silent Brother anymore he still mind of is because he is always helping them and everything that is so funny, he is such a sweetheart I love him with all my heart. And I have to be honest I would have liked the family to find out about Julian and Emma before the Parabati bound was broken, I would have liked to see how they all react and I would have also liked Livvy to know about them she would have been so happy for them. It was very scary to see Julian and Emma turn into those things but when the whole family and friends came to talk to them it was so beautiful I know I am using the word beautiful way to much but is the word that bests describes the situation it was so beautiful and emotional and what Tavy said omg I was crying again. They are a family full of love above everything. And the most I love the friendship between Cristina and Emma. When they were getting ready for the party it made me cry because it was so nice I hope they remain best friends forever because their friendship is so beautiful and I love it. So as I was saying before Julian is more than a freaking genius with all he had planned, omg that scene where Manuel broke into the camp to kill Jace and Clary and they were just chilling there playing tic tack toe that was so amazing, my baby had everything planned perfectly. But omg why did we had to kill Julie, I liked her and oh poor Beatriz and Simon it’s so sad that she had to die. I don't understand why she and John had to die it’s so sad. But all in all, I have to say that that ending battle was very cool, omg it was so funny to see Simon fight, I don't know I am not that used jet to see him as a Shadowhunter and its just funny to see him fight as one. And I forgot to say that I think that Hypatia Vex is pretty cool, I liked how she helped them in the battle and I hope to see more of her in the future. Ok this review is literally so chaotic I am sorry but I have so much to say and as much as I am trying to them in chronological order I just can’t I am sorry but if you have come so far with reading you deserve an award, keep on reading I am almost done. So I also wanted to say how much I loved the relationship between Diego and Jaime they care so much for each other and it’s so nice and as I mentioned before I love Jamie. Oh and hahaha that scene where all the blackthorns gathered together to go to Julian and Emma, where the world was literally going down, I loved how Mark was just casually there saying to Ty that he did some very nice shots, it was so funny. And there is also another thing I forgot to mention in the beginning, so how weird is it that Ty’s phone was connected to Julians like he said that everything Julian had on his phone he had it on his to I mean like what if Emma would have sent Julian a text that was only meant for Julian if you know what I mean and Ty would have got it to ??? It’s so weird! So and now the end, the thing that happened with the Cohort, that they have Idris now, I have such a bad feeling about it can’t mean anything good they are going to do something and something very very bad is going to happen, it’s going to be very dark and twisted and I am very anxious about what will happen in the Wicked Powers. And I am not sure anymore if I wrote this earlier but it was interesting to read that ending part from the Seelie Queen’s point of few it was interesting to slip a bit inside her head.

And know the conclusion so I loved this book and I am very happy with the ending that Julian and Emma got but there still are so many other unsolved things and I need some answers. I loved that ending with the party and the wedding, that was so beautiful and in general this book had me crying almost the whole time but it was a painful but good crying. I more than enjoyed reading it and it was very hard to let go of it because I don’t want the thing to change and end in general so it was and it is hard to let go. And I am now thinking that even though I said I wouldn’t read the Wicked Powers, maybe I am going to read them because I need those answers. The story isn’t finished jet. Omg, I forgot to say two other things, so the first thing has something to do with Kieran. Kieran called Cristina a quite a few times a Princess, what is it with that? Is Cristina a real Princess, does it have something to do with her family? And the other thing is about Cortana, I would have liked to know more about what it can do, I mean hoe was it possible that Cortana send Duredal to Emma when she needed it? And it says that Cortana absorbs everything she cuts, did it absorb something from the Black Book? Why could Cortana cut the Mortal Sword why was that possible? Again there are so many questions I need an answer to but I think for now I just need to be content with what I have for now. It was beautiful and amazing and full of love and pain and everything it had everything and if I could I would like to erase my memory so that I can read it again without knowing what is going to happen. I loved it, but my favorite series still remains The Infernal Devices because I know why.

#the dark artifices #queen of air and darkness #qoaad #JULIAN BLACKTHORN #emma carstairs #tda #tid #tmi #jem carstairs #tessa gray #Jace Herondale #clary fairchild #cristina rosales #mark blackthorn #in love #amazing #the mortal instruments #the infernal devices

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