#i received my scores from them in an official email and was told that i can use these scores anywhere yet for some reason they dont show up

[chaninfused]

Of course it isn't, why on earth would it be your fault? Unless I'm misunderstanding the situation, it's your school that's messing up, not you. You even reached out to them so you can't say that you haven't been trying! I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm trying to force positivity on to you, it isn't my intention to pretend like everything is fine and dandy and you definitely have every right to be mad and frustrated but please also remember that it's out of your hands, you aren't to blame -🌷

the thing is

[writernada]

10 Times Yuzuru Hanyu Was Inspiring

Yuzuru Hanyu (26 years old) is a Japanese figure skater. He is a two-time Olympic champion, two- time World champion, Four Continent champion, four times Grand Prix Final champion and five times national champion. He is the only male skater that has achieved a grand slam (won all major competitions in both junior and senior circus). In 2018, he won the People's Honor Award given by the Japanese Prime Minister and became the youngest recipient of this award. He also won the award of the most valuable skater at the International Skating Union Awards for the season 2019-2020. Since his debut in the senior circus in 2011-2012 and until now, Yuzuru's performances have always made a great impact on the audience; allowing him to have the biggest fan base ever in the history of figure skating. His fans are not only from Japan but from all around the world; including other skaters and coaches. The reason behind all of this love is that Yuzuru touches the hearts by performing like an artist, hitting every note, being super passionate about what he does and combining a competitive spirit with a sport soul. On top of all of that, he has an ability to inspire people. His road has never been easy. It is full of injuries, surgeries, illnesses, strong competitors, mistakes and losses. However, he always perserves, pushes through his limits, overcomes adversity and rises in an inspiring way.

Here are the ten times Yuzuru Hanyu was an icon of inspiration:

1- Winning his first medal in the World Championship in 2012 despite having an injury and low stamina.

In his debut in the World championship (senior circus) in 2012, Yuzuru (17) sprained his right ankle during the official practice the day before the short program. His foot swelled up but he decided not to withdraw, taking into account all the effort he has made for this competition and all the people who came here for him (coach, mom and officials). He went ahead and competed. He was ranked seventh in the short program, third in the free program and third overall, winning the bronze medal.

Yuzuru commented on that competition in his autobiography book "Aoi Hono ll":

"Because I was injured the day before the short, I felt that even in that kind of situation 'I landed my quad, I did well’. I felt that I had worked really hard by myself. However, my mother told me, "That is wrong.” Getting injured was my own fault, but there were many people who helped and supported me. That is the reason why I could come to this point. Until about 9 o'clock that night, we were talking about this while having dinner, and in the end, I realized that my thinking was wrong."

Yuzuru was about to get full of himself and let arrogance take over him. However, his mother helped him stay grounded. Thus, he was able to face the free program with a humble attitude. He put out a passionate performance that many people still remember until this day and consider as one of their favorites. During that performance, he tried not to put a lot of pressure on the injured foot so he shifted all the pressure on the other one until it got exhausted and gave up on him. As a result, he fell all of a sudden in the middle of the performance, but he managed to get up right away and perform a great jump right after.

In his autobiography book that was mentioned earlier, Yuzuru talked about this fall and said: "Later, when I watched the videos, I saw that the fall did not take up much time. I was standing up again quickly. But to me, it felt like a long time. When I fell, the feeling was like flying mid-air. Like this (he re-enacts the fall in slow motion), 'ahh, I am stumbling~~’ (laughs). After the fall, I was thinking 'what should I do from here’, many thoughts circled around. Thinking that I won’t make it in time for the next axel jump, I shortened the path by going straight instead of curved. I can jump even a 3A+3A (in practice), so I thought I will be alright. (laughs)”.

One of the most exciting moments during the performance is when Yuzuru shouted out aloud before the choreographic sequence. The shout seemed like a great expression of the emotions of his character (Romeo). It made him look like he was totally into character. However, he clarified that it was unintentional. He said: "I felt like I couldn’t breathe, so I thought, for now just let the breath out. (laughs)"

Yuzuru is known to be suffering from asthma and because of it he had a low stamina at the time. However, even after finding out that the shout wasn't done to express the character's emotions, viewers still find it impactful because it is a genuine expression of Yuzuru's fight against his limits.

That night, Yuzuru made a name for himself internationally. He shed tears of happiness after getting his scores and so did his coach. He also got praised by the winner that night who said: "the one shining the most is Yuzuru".

2-  Breaking a World Record and winning gold in his first participation in the winter Olympic Games.

At the age of 19, Yuzuru participated for the first time in the Olympic Games. Young male skaters like him who participate for the first time usually don't dare to dream about winning. The big scale of the competition gets athletes nervous and shaken, even the great and experienced ones of them. Therefore, the young newcomers usually consider their first participation as an experience to have under their belt while preparing for the next Olympic. However, Yuzuru was determind to win. His choreographer at the time, David Wilson, talked about his intense determination in an interview: "he wrote me an email letter that was so touching. He was like please help me do this because I'm ready. I'll do anything. I will die. I'll do anything to be the Olympic Champion. I don't want to wait until 2018. I want it now and I'll do anything. I'm willing to die for it. Anything you tell me, I'll do it but help me."

David Wilson talking about Yuzuru's determination to win the 2014 Olympics

Yuzuru performed a marvelous short program and came out of the rink saying: "I did it!" to which his coach replied: "you certainly did". He broke the world record in his first participation at the Olympics despite his young age. He did get nervous and made mistakes at the free program. However, what he did in the short program was enough to bring him the gold medal and make him achieve his childhood dream.

Yuzuru (11) saying that his dream is to win the Olympics

Yuzuru performing his short program at the 2014 Olympics:

Other Skaters reacting to Yuzuru's World Record at the Olympics:

The moment when Yuzuru finds out he won the  2014 Olympics:

3- Continuing to compete after a pretty bad collusion with another skater during Cup of China 2014:

In 2014, Yuzuru took part in Cup of China, which is one of the events of the Grand Prix Series. Yuzuru was in second place after the short program and during the 6 minuets warm up before the long program he had an accident. He collided with the Chinese skater Han Yan. They were looking at opposite sides and couldn't see each other until it was too late.

Yuzuru talked about the incident in his autobiography book and said: "My stomach hit the ice (when I fell) and so it felt like I received a body blow. My stomach was hurting so much; I could not breathe nor get up. Then, when I tried standing up, my chin was hurting and bleeding. My head was panicking and I didn’t know exactly where all the pain was coming from."

After a few minutes, Yuzuru stood up on his own despite the arrival of medical helpers. He preferred to exit the rink on his own instead of being carried. Backstage, he was examined and given first aid by American doctors.

The Collusion incident at CoC 2014:

In his biography book, Yuzuru gave some details about what happened backstage after the incident:

"I really gave a lot of trouble to the people around me. They told me ‘Don’t compete’. The doctors also said, 'It is not a concussion, so it is possible to skate but we do not recommend it.’Coach Orser also said, 'Now you don’t need to be a hero. You still have more after this, you still can do a lot as a skater.’But 'it has nothing to do with that. I will skate because I want to go to GP Final.’ I think I might have said that to him in Japanese. I wanted to go to the Final somehow. Here, 5th or 4th place is good enough, I can get 1st place in the next competition, so for now I just want to remain connected. If I compete at GPF, I definitely want to have a second consecutive victory. I also want to win the triple crown again (Worlds, GPF, Nationals). I had those kind of thoughts. Now when I look back I think, 'ah I skated well’."

Yuzuru decided to skate his free program and the people around him respected his decision and allowed him to go. He made sure to meet Han Yan before competing again and they exchanged apologies. After that, Yuzuru showed up in the rink with a bandage on his head and a small band on his chin. He skated his free program bravely after making some changes on the layout to adjust to his condition. He fell on five jumps but did full rotations and got grades for that. He also was able to land some jumps in the latter half of the program, which got him extra points. After the performance, his coach Orser was worried about his feelings if he gets a bad score for falling five times so he was preparing him mentally by saying stuff like: "scores don't matter. What matter is what you did out there" but it turned out Orser had nothing to worry about as Yuzuru received a high score. Yuzuru was so surprised and relieved when he saw his score and he burst into tears after holding on for a long time. He won the silver medal in that event.

Yuzuru performing his free program and receiving his score at CoC 2014:

After the competition, American doctors prepared the massage room to do stitches for Yuzuru. He received 7 stitches on his chin with anesthetics and 3 staples on his head without any anesthetics, which was really painful to him! The next day, he traveled to Japan for a medical examination in a trip that he described as hell. The result of the examination was "head contusion (or bruise), chin contusion, abdominal contusion, left thigh contusion and right ankle sprain’.

For ten days, Yuzuru was unable to walk and the recovery took more time than expected. Every time he finds himself able to walk, he would go to the rink, but once he steps his foot into the rink the pain comes back. He thought that he would never be able to skate again, felt so depressed and wanted to quit skating all together. However, his mother told him "how about just giving it a try anyway? If you skate just a little on the ice every day with the intention of rehabilitation, the situation may change for the better" her response surprised him because she never tried to stop him from quitting in the past whenever he said he wanted to quit. With that new attitude of his mother, Yuzuru became optimistic about being able to skate again, and found the willpower to try and even aim to win at the next competition of the Grand Prix Series, which was NHK.

At NHK, Unfortunately, Yuzuru wasn't able to present great performances and once he finished his free program he thought to himself: "ah, the final is gone!" he thought that all his efforts in Cup of China were for nothing, but luckily, the total of his points combined from the two competitions made him the last qualified skater for the final. Thus, he was able to take part in the final, presented great performnces and won the gold medal after all the struggles he went through.

4- Winning at Nationals 2014 despite bleeding and needing a surgery:

After the short program at the Grand Prix Final, Yuzuru felt some kind of pain in his stomach whenever he stretched or pressed on it. He thought that it must be a damage in the muscle tissue but after the free program, he found something that looks like a Ping Pong ball sticking out beneath his navel. It was so painful to the extent that he couldn't sleep on his flight back to Japan. When he landed, he went to the hospital right away and was told that he might have Urachal Remnant Disorder. He was given some antibiotic and sent home because his condition wasn't bad. However, once he returned home, and got into the shower, his navel burst and started bleeding. He went back to the hospital and it was confirmed that he has Urachal Remnant. He needed to undergo a surgery but he couldn't afford to have it any time soon because the Japanese national competition (All Japan) was a few weeks away. He was determined to attend it so he decided to bear with the pain and delay the surgery. Without telling anybody about his problem, he attended his trainings after wrapping himself with gauze to prevent blood from staining his clothes. That didn't work out well and blood still got to his clothes so when it was time for the competition, he was worried that his costume might get stained. To prevent that from happening, he put a strong tape on top of the gauze, which was painful, but did the job. In this condition, Yuzuru took part in the Japanese national competition, and despite a few mistakes in both of his programs, his endurance of pain didn't go in vain, and he actually won.

Yuzuru commented about this situation in his book by saying: "It was painful to bend forward and backward, but I tried to do whatever I could in that situation. I even did the Ina bauer, but I could not arch back at all. In fact, I also intended to do the biellmann spin! However, when I started the spin, I changed it into an A-line"

Yuzuru performing his free program and putting his hand on his stomach while leaving the ice during All Japan 2014:

5-  Rising from fifth place to first in the World Championships 2017:

At the World Championship in 2017, Yuzuru made some mistakes in the short program that left him sitting in fifth place behind his rivals. The gap between him and the first place was around 11 points. He was so disappointed in himself but didn't give up. He wanted to go practice harder. However, his coaches stopped him from overworking himself and made sure that he takes a good rest and goes through a normal practice. After that, he collected himself, focused, stayed calm and presented one of the greatest performances ever. It was flawless and magnificent. His coach Brian Orser said that he felt privileged to have witnessed this performance. Yuzuru got a very high score that made him scream and left him on the verge of shedding happy tears. His coach Brian Orser was speechless while his other coach Tracy Wilson had her mouth wide open in astonishment. With that, Yuzuru was able to rise from fifth place to first and win the championship.

Yuzuru performing his free program and receiving his score at the WC 2017:

6- Winning the second Olympic title right after being away from the ice for 3 months due to a severe injury:

Before the beginning of the Olympic season, Yuzuru was done with his preparation very early and was all ready to compete. His coach Brian Orser couldn't believe how smoothly things were going and felt a little uneasy about the fact that Yuzuru was ready very early. His worry wasn't pointless because soon enough Yuzuru sustained a severe injury. It happened during the official practice before NHK. Yuzuru was practicing (4Lutz) which was a new jump he has been practicing that season. He landed the jump in a wrong way causing ligament damage to his right ankle. The injury forced him out of competition for the rest of the season.

Yuzuru's fall and injury at NHK 2017:

Yuzuru disappeared and was away from the ice for three months. During that time, he didn't make any T.V appearances or interviews. Thus, nobody knew anything about him and his condition. His participation in the Olympics and the mere ability to perform again became uncertain. A lot of people doubted he would be able to comeback. However, he showed up at Incheon Airport in South Korea surrounded by guards and declared that he was ready to compete and that he believes he has the potential to win more than any other skater. After that, he avoided talking to the press until the end of the competition.

Yuzuru's arrival at Incheon Airport to participate at the 2018 Olympics:

According to his coach, Brian Orser, Yuzuru returned to the ice only six weeks before the Olympics and had to relearn everything and take baby steps to be able to perform again. He was practicing strokes, single and double jumps while watching his training mate and rival, Javier Fernandez, do a full run through of his programs with triples and quads. Yuzuru was able to land triples only three weeks before the Olympics and started landing quads just two weeks before the Olympics.

During the official open practice before the competition, Yuzuru made sure not to reveal his abilities and current condition nor his planned layout. He simply did some strokes and single jumps then left the rink. He chose his layout after studying his rivals and calculating how many points he would potentially need to win. He did his calculations on an app that he developed as part of his studies at the university.

In the short program segment, Yuzuru put out a great performance that was so close to the world record (which he holds). He won first place at this segment. Seeing the results, he felt relieved and assured so he allowed himself to reduce the difficulty of his free program. He was one-step away from winning the Olympics again. He needed to put out another great performance during the free program, and fortunately, that's exactly what he did. He performed a memorable free program filled with emotions, and once he finished, he screamed: "I won. I won!" which was true! He became the first skater to win the Olympics consecutively in 66 years.

Yuzuru's free program at the 2018 Olympics:

The moment that Yuzuru is announced as the winner of the 2018 Olympics:

7- Receiving the gold medal on crutches during Rostelecom Cup 2018:

After winning the Olympics, Yuzuru decided to pay tribute to his role models in figure skating; the Russian legend Evgeny Plushenko and the American Johnny Weir. He chose one of Plushenko's programs as his free program and one of Weir's as his short. He adapted the programs to his own style but still kept some touches from the original ones. Since it was a tribute, he decided to perform his free program in the hometown of his Russian idol and in front of his people. That is why he chose to participate in Rostelecom Cup, which is one of the events of the Grand Prix Series, and is held in Russia. He performed a great short program and everything was going well until he injured his right foot again during the practice before the free program. He was advised to withdraw. However, he absolutely wanted to perform his tribute to the Russian legend, Plushenko, in Russia. He has prepared a lot for this performance and came all the way to Russia to do it so he didn't want all of that to be pointless. He decided to take strong painkillers and perform his free program. He lowered the difficulty of the program and then presented a great performance in front of the Russian crowd that brought him the gold medal. After the performance, he started moving on crutches and admitted that without the painkillers, he wouldn't have been able to skate. He received the gold medal that night on crutches with fans cheering for him and holding up signs that says: "Yuzu we love you from all over the world".

Yuzuru receiving the gold medal on crutches at Rostelecom 2018:

8- Conquering his fears during the season of 2019-2020:

Yuzuru has suffered from a lot of injuries throughout his career. More than once, he thought that he is facing the end of his career because of an injury. Therefore, his main goal during the season of 2019-2020 was to finish the season without injuries. He finished his first two competitions safely and arrived at Japan to participate in NHK, which was his second Grand Prix assignment. Many of his injuries happened in his second GP event and he was conscious about this fact. He was afraid of getting hurt again and was visibly shaking before the beginning of his free program. As a result of his nervousness he missed a combination. However, he pulled himself together and improvised a new combination to recover the points he missed. He thought of the new combination, calculated its points and made sure that it's not repeated all while performing amazingly. Once he came out of the rink, his coach Ghislain gave him a hug and said: "You know what? You conquered your fear!".

Yuzuru shaking before performing his free program at NHK 2019 + full performance:

Yuzuru continued to overcome his fears in the final of the Grand Prix. He was setting in second place after the short program and the gap of points between him and his rival was big. He felt that winning may not be possible this time; nonetheless, he still wanted to do his best and give a respectable performance. He decided to raise the number of quad jumps in his program to five for the first time ever in his career. In addition, he declared that he will bring back the quad Lutz, which is the jump that caused his injury before the 2018 Olympics. It's a jump that he never dared to perform again in competitions since that incident. However, he overcame his fear and performed a flawless quad Lutz during the free program with four other quad jumps in the GPF, challenging not only his fear, but also his stamina that has always been an obstacle for him. He did not win the gold medal, but won his own fight against his fears and limits as well as the hearts and respect of the audience.

Yuzuru performing quad Lutz+ full performance of the free program at GPF2019:

9- Winning the bronze medal in the World Championship 2021 despite an asthma attack and many other hurdles.

During the 2020-2021 season, the whole world was going through struggles because of Corona Virus and Yuzuru was no exception. He had to train on his own in Japan all year long away from his coaches and physical therapist in Canada. He prepared new programs for the season with his choreographers by receiving videos and training accordingly without any supervision. During the season, his hometown was struck by an earthquake twice. The last struck happened right before he traveled to Stockholm to participate in the WC. According to him, the inside of his home was a mess and he couldn't use the train to go to Tokyo and board the plane as planned. As a result, he arrived to Stockholm one day later than planned, thus, he had to change his training plans as well. However, his coach Brian Oreser said that Yuzuru is not the type of athlete who gets phased by such problems and he was right. Yuzuru did perfect run through of his programs during his official practices. He also performed his lively short program very well and won the small gold medal of the segment.

Yuzuru performing his short program at WC 2021:

Yuzuru was all set to win the World Championship for the third time, but something unexpected happened before the free program. He was supposed to start warming up one hour prior the turn of his group (the last group), but he was nowhere to be seen at the venue until it was almost time for the last group to compete. His coach Brian Orser said that he was worried and didn't know where Yuzuru was. He asked the head of the Japanese team but they simply told him: "He is somewhere else". Brian kept on going back and forth between the rink where two of his students were competing and the warm up area where Yuzuru was supposed to be, but Yuzuru did not show up. After Brian's students finished their turn, it was almost time for Yuzuru's group so Brian went to the locker room to see if Yuzuru was there. Usually, Yuzuru would put his skating boots in the locker room before the six-minuets warm up of his group and Brian would come to carry his tissue box, and then they would head to the rink together. However, Brian didn't find Yuzuru in the locker room. Yuzuru was caught on camera sitting on a chair at the warm up area, resting his head on the wall and looking exhausted while taking off his mask impatiently. At that time, the announcement of Keegan Messing's score from the group before the last one, could be heard in the background.

Yuzuru at the warm up area before skating his free program at the WC 2021:

When Brian finally found Yuzuru at the warm up area, he said that he knew something must have happened to him but he didn't ask him about it. Instead, he tried to encourage him by saying energetically: "Let's go!"

Yuzuru showed up at the rink without styling his hair unlike the norm. He made a lot of mistakes in the first part of his free program as if he was not the same person who did a perfect run through one day ago. He said that he suddenly couldn't find his balance but he did try his best. He explained that with every mistake, he tried to at least not fall. Later on, the Russian media reported that the Russian doctor who was accompanying their team at the competition said that Yuzuru has had an asthma attack right before coming to the venue and has asked for his help. Yuzuru never talked to the media about what happened before the free program and why he was late. When he was asked about his asthma he only admitted to feeling a little asthmatic after the free program. Despite all of that, Yuzuru managed to win the bronze medal and contribute in securing three spots to team Japan at the Olympics.

The mystery of what happened to Yuzuru before the free program would have stayed unsolved if it wasn't for the Russian doctor. The reason is that Yuzuru doesn't like to make excuses for himself. He once said in an old interview that he used to make a lot of excuses for himself when he was young but then he realized that real strong skaters don't do that and that he wouldn't learn anything if he keeps on making excuses. He took the renowned Japanese skater Mao Asada as an example when she competed with a bone fracture without uttering a word about it. That must be the reason why he never takes his asthma as an excuse or talks about it.

10- Achieving his childhood dreams one by one:

Since ever Yuzuru was young he declared that he wants to be the Olympic champion and he wants to land a quad Axel. He went on to achieve his Olympic dream in 2014; making history by being the first Japanese male skater to win an Olympic gold medal ever. However, he said that it’s not over yet because the plan in his head is to win the Olympics twice. He kept on improving himself and walking towards his dream while making a lot of sacrifices and overcoming injuries. At the end, he achieved his dream and made history once again by being the first skater in 66 years to win the gold medal at the Olympics consecutively. He then made a statement saying that he feels happy and that this happiness is what he gets in return to the sacrifices he made. After that, he said that he feels freed from the pressure of having to produce results. Thus, he announced that he is going to skate for himself from then on. It was time for him to start focusing on the other dream of his childhood which was the quad Axel. He made it clear that landing it in a competition is his next goal and didn’t allow himself to get swayed by what others are doing or what competitions he is losing. He stayed focused on his goal and is reported to be getting closer to achieving it.  

Yuzuru's path has never been covered with flowers. It was hard and painful most of the time but yuzuru always turns the pain into success and fulfillment with his perseverance, becoming an icon of inspiration to many people. We wish him a lot of happiness and success in the future.

Translation of Yuzuru's book is from:

https://bit.ly/3vSGgBz

[sweetestlamb]

Put On A Show

Summary: Cha-young goes to her high school reunion and brings a certain mafia guest. 

Author's note: I heard someone wanted a on top and in control CY so here it is! I already had this idea about a HS reunion so I simply combined the two ideas and got this smutty brainchild. This is rated E for extremely dirty so read at your own discretion, I planned on writing more fics of them pining but I really do love a women in control so I took a break from my cockblocking to fill this prompt. Hope you enjoy ;) 

Dear class of 2005,

That time has come once again, our class reunion! This year's reunion will be held in the Phoenix Hall in honor of us all rising from the ashes of this pandemic and being reborn stronger than ever before! Tickets available for purchase below. There are separate tickets for food and drinks and this year's theme will be luxury: a life of decadence. We look forward to seeing you all.

Cha-young skims the email that had initially landed in her spam folder, only the name of her old high school attached in the subject line catches her attention enough to make her open the otherwise nondescript email.

Another high school reunion.

She had been evading these gatherings like the plague itself, ever since the last time she'd made the mistake of going to one. She had just landed her job at Wusang Firm and finally felt confident in herself, in high school she'd always been the loud one and the weird one but now she was a lawyer and a damn good one if she said could say so herself. Nobody could dismiss her now or jokingly remind her of the bowl cut she had sported before, she was always the butt of their jokes and she was tired of feeling small beneath their condescending thumb. She finally had something worth bragging about. 

She'd stepped in with a smirk on her face, tight black dress and heels clicking as she walked waving at people she knew but didn't deign important enough to stop her entrance for a chat. The buffet table was her sole destination but she'd been intercepted by familiar annoying high pitched voices, Chang Ae-ram and Bom Min-he, the popular girls in her school and the banes of her existence both rushed over to her with drinks in their hands.

They never had anything kind to say to her and seemed to seek her out simply to put her down or remind her of how much of a “pathethic loser” she was in high school, as if she hadn’t been the one living her life. 

The verbal sparring began almost immediately, with them all battling for lead in the "my life is going great" contest, coyly listing their accolades and accomplishment and assertively she told them both about her new job at one of Korea's most successful and well known law firm.

"Oh." Ae-ram answered with a tight smile that pulled her surgically enhanced face into a wrinkleless grin. 

Score.

She sipped her drink feeling victorious as they both avoided her brazen eye contact. She had just opened her mouth to make her leave when a vindictive smile stretched over Min-he's face, "A job is so important but what about a family? Surely you don't plan on dying alone, how come you never bring anyone with you? We're all so sad that you don't have anyone still." She gripped the stem of her wine glass at the fake concern, suddenly the group was larger and everyone was congratulating Min-he on her engagement, the other woman waving the huge diamond on her finger in her face.

It was so vapid and stupid and she knew that it didn't make her any less of a woman that she didn't have a man but those words still burned. She had noticed that everyone was paired up and she was one of the only people who came alone, she'd been seeing someone before the reunion but at her mention of the gathering he had told her that "things were getting too serious for him" rolling out of her bed while tugging on his underwear and that had been the last she heard from him.

She'd spent the rest of the night on the outskirts avoiding her college mates and later stumbled out on her heels unsteady from the amount of liquor she'd consumed.

That had been her last reunion. She'd pointedly ignored all the invitations since then, the shame of that night still stinging all those years later. They only served as a reminder that she still had no one and regardless of how successful she was at her career she would be deemed undesirable by others.

It was such a fucking joke but she couldn't shake the insecurity despite knowing how false it was.

The sound of keys jingling near the front door knock her free from her reminiscing and she spins around to the sight of Vincenzo struggling to squeeze through the entrance with several bags in his arms, he never wants to make more than one trip- the overachiever. She nods her head in hello before trudging over to him without closing her laptop, greeting him easily with a peck on the lips freeing a few bags from his hands.

"Did you get my cookies?" She asks again despite the various text messages she had sent reminding him about her sweet treats, he rolls his eyes at her again swinging another bag into her waiting hands.

"Here. When I told you to text me necessities, cookies are not what I had in mind." He flicks her forehead lightly silencing her cry of pain with a follow-up kiss to the spot, she grumbles but stuffs the soft baked chocolate chip cookies into her mouth, cheeks puffing out like a chipmunk hoarding food for the winter.

Smooth as a well-oiled machine they put the groceries away, the sound of cabinets opening and closing the soundtrack for their movements. When everything is correctly put away, she makes her way back over to her laptop only then remembering what she'd been doing.

She stares at the screen contemplating her next move before she feels a familiar heavy weight on her shoulder, his breath is hot on her neck when he speaks, "What are you looking at?" He barely waits for her reply covering her hand on the sleek mouse, scrolling down to read the entire email. She waits anxiously in her seat as he reads the words out loud, obviously she had thought about him when she first received the email but her last experience had made her nervous about asking him to attend.

They hadn't been officially dating for long. They'd been too focused on taking down Babel and the aftermath had left them both with unanswered questions about the nature of their relationship. 

Only this time when she asked him the same question she'd been asking since he crash landed into her life unexpectedly, after everything  was over, he'd looked over at her and said in a small voice "Not if you want me to stay."

She'd been a coward and he had taken her silence as rejection and it had taken a dramatic and honestly cliché airport interruption, complete with her pushing past airport staff and screaming his name crying as they told her that the plane to Malta had already taken off.

She'd returned to her house with red rimmed eyes that widened into huge saucers at the sight of him in front of her house, large suitcase beside him.

Gasping she ran into his arms, as terrified as she'd felt that fateful night so long ago in the underpass. 

"I couldn't go."

He tugged her closer, burrowing his face in her thick hair and breathing harshly his voice was raw and rough like he'd been crying too.

"Because of me?" She asked shock laden in her words and that's when he drew away to stare into her eyes and with a defeated nod he said, "Because of you."

The rest had been history. He came inside with her and he hadn't left since.

"Are you going?"

She stills at the inquiry, head dizzy from the memories racing through her mind.

"What?"

He places a finger on the computer screen, "This reunion. Are you going?"

She feels a small sting in her chest at his words, with a sad smile she starts to shake her head in decline but then he chuckles, "We should go. I'll be your arm candy." He teases wagging his eyebrows in her peripheral.

Oh.

"You want to come with me?" She repeats stunned by his casual offer, this seemed huge for some reason and she could feel her heart pounding erratically in her brittle chest.

He finally straightens up walking off to the kitchen grabbing a cup, pulling the fridge open.

"Yeah I mean unless you have another boyfriend you want to bring with you."

She laughs at his joke but internally her blood sings, she didn't want to get her hopes up but now she can barely contain her happiness.

She can always count him to have her back.

Slamming the laptop shut she circumvents the chair running over to him, he looks at her with a raised eyebrow prying the cup of water from his hands she pulls him down into a grateful kiss. He hums low when she slips her tongue into his lax mouth, this kiss vastly different from the peck she'd greeted him with at the door.

She can taste the caffeine on his tongue, the strong flavor of his favorite espresso swirling around her taste buds, pushing him firmer into the counter she laps at his mouth eager for a deeper exploration. He melts under her touch letting her manhandle him and move his head as she sees fit, his complete surrender makes her hot under the collar.

It's with reluctance that she pulls away from his addicting lips.

She smirks as he sways into her body as if intoxicated.

"Sorry. We have to go soon, it's game night."

It's a weekly tradition at the plaza, tonight they're playing Taboo, it had been announced in the group chat that Mr. Nam had forced them to join. It was chaotic with so many different voices there but it made her feel warm, like they were their own little family.

He groans disappointed but nods slowly, adjusting himself discretely but not enough for her vigilant eyes. She stares at the hardon visible through the thin material of his sweatpants.

"Let's go before you get me any more excited." He grumbles, picking up the snacks he'd purchased for tonight. She smiles triumphantly at his back still in disbelief that she has that kind of power over the great Corn Salad, Vincenzo Cassano.

Game night is a success, filled with laughter and playful arguing. They all work together in pairs and their team loses horribly with her accidentally shouting out all the taboo words every time it's her turn. Mi-Ri and Larry Kang- from the dance studio make a great team using dance moves and inside jokes to solve their words in seconds much to everyone’s shock, they both adamantly deny any change in their relationship at the groups subsequent teasing.

Nobody believes them. 

Just like they hadn’t believed her and Vincenzo. 

They get home at midnight and both collapse before they can finish what they started earlier in the kitchen, but cuddling is great too. He’s always the little spoon. 

The reunion isn't a point of conversation again and she almost forgets about it completely until it's Saturday, the day of the event and she wakes up alone. It's not totally abnormal with him being a morning person but she still groans in annoyance at his disappearance. The bed is so cold without his body letting off heat like a human furnace.

The sun is high in the sky when she finally pulls herself out of bed much later, 12:45pm according to her phone and she sits up with a full body stretch, body popping and cracking.

"Vincenzo? Are you here?" She calls out to the empty house, receiving no reply.

With a sigh she goes to shower and brush her teeth, he should be back soon from wherever he went.

When she finally comes out of the bathroom, a cloud of steam following her she pauses at the package on the bed. A huge white box catches her eye, the gold silken bow striking across the large rectangle. Taking a closer step she runs a finger across the smooth material in wonder.

There's a note and immediately she recognizes the distinctive penmanship.

Open me.

Not needing to be told twice she tugs the bow watching it unraveling before lifting the top of the box, peering inside with glowing eyes.

She lets out a soft gasp at the sight of the piercing white material that is almost perfectly camouflaged in the matching box. She lifts it with awe, watching material unfurl until she can see it clearly. It's a dress made from expensive fabric based on the its luxurious feel in her hands and her eyes widen at the cape that hangs lower than the dress itself.

"He was listening to me."

She remembers her group chat with the ladies from the plaza, sending them different options for her reunion and letting them help to pick it her outfit. She wanted something that would garner attention but that still felt like her, and that's when she'd seen it. The new Alexander Wang collection, all white blazer dress with a cape and button details, it looked like luxury and she knew it had to be hers.

The ladies had all been in agreement sending her thumbs up emojis and demanding that she purchase the stunning dress. She'd quickly added it to her cart but much to her dismay as she'd been entering her card information, that dreaded message popped up at the top of her screen.

This item is no longer available. Sorry, try again. 

Her heart had sunk and despite Miri's computer savvy and Yeon-Jin 's online shopping prowess they had not been able to locate the dress on any other site. It was sold out, everywhere.

Or so she thought.

Wordlessly she slips into the dress and surprisingly it fits like a glove, as if it was tailored just for her but that can't be.

"I'll zip that up for you."

She jumps at the dark voice behind her and then a chill runs up her spine at his fingertips on her bare back. He slides the thick curtain of her hair to the side to zip it up the rest of the way, their eyes meet in the full length mirror across the room.

"You look beautiful." He compliments easily, eyes caressing her body from her head down to her bare toes.

She feels like a goddess under his eyes.

"Where did you get this? It was sold out everywhere." She stares at him in wonder and he smiles at her gaping mouth, "I called in a favor. I knew a designer who owed me a favor." He shrugs as if it's nothing that he knows designers who are connected to the Alexander Wang, she's still not used to his influence.

Wait.

"Do you know Alexander Wang?" She shouts in surprise spinning to stare at him and his easy smile and open hand gesture is enough of an answer.

"I got your measurements from Mr.Tak. I wanted tonight to be perfect for you."

Her nerves have been shot all week, it's true that they haven't discussed the reunion at all but that doesn't mean it hasn't been on a mind even haunting her dreams.

She didn't want to be embarrassed again. She knew that she shouldn't let them get to her, she didn't have to prove herself to anyone but for once she just wanted to make them all eat those condescending words. She wanted to show them that she was the same weird girl from high school but she was even more now, also a successful woman and there was nothing wrong with being both sides of those coins. 

Without her even saying one word he'd been able to detect how important this night was for her.

"Thank you." She breathes tears glistening on her eyes, he wraps both arms around her waist beaming at her in the mirror.

"Don't thank me yet you didn't even see the shoes yet."

Without waiting for her answer he steps away to lift a pair of sparkling shoes from the box, the red soles immediately notifying her of the exorbitant brand.

She gapes at the shoes and then a smirking Vincenzo and then back at the shoes, "Are you crazy? Are those Louboutin's?" She asks the obvious question turning the shoes over to stare at the vibrant scarlet soles. A certain Bronxite’s voice blaring in her head about blood shoes. 

"They did say the theme was luxury. I thought these were just right for you." Squealing like a kid in candy store she sits down on the bed with both shoes in hand, but before she can slip them on he's lowering himself to his knees. The sight is enough to stop her in her tracks, her traitorous imagination running wild at the implications and possibilities. When he takes the shoes from her loose grip she merely watches as he slides the shoes onto her feet, just like the dress they too fit perfectly.

"I feel like Cinderella." She chuckles trying to break the tension and the swell in her chest but his bright smile only makes her chest constrict tighter, she doesn't know if she'll survive tonight.

"Hong Cha-young!" She freezes at the sound of Ae-ram's squealing voice only pausing for a moment before turning with a tense smile.

Here we go.

The woman is flagged by her usual posse and parrots, who are always ready to echo her biting remarks and she gulps down her dirty martini needing some liquid courage.

As if sensing her unease instantly Vincenzo takes the hand that was artistically placed in the pocket of his fitting white dress pants and curls it around her waist, grounding her with the simple touch. She turns to him and he greets her with a calming smile that she can't help but return.

I've got your back. He says with only a slight lift of his lips.

She takes a deep breath.

Ae-ram's smile dims as she gets closer to them, her eyes honed on the hand on her hip and she leans fully into the warm body pressed against her side.

Min-he speaks first, an equally constipated smile on her face, "Who's this? You've never brought anyone before. Is this a work friend?" She almost rolls her eyes at the ridiculous question, as if work friends would be this comfortable with each other. They're already finding excuses, grasping at straws and creating complicated solutions for something that is easy to understand simply because they don’t think she’s worthy of attention. That large hand tightens lightly before a light chuckle reaches her ear, “Vincenzo Cassano, lawyer and the lucky man who gets to call her my mine.” She fidgets in his hold blushing at his bold introduction and watching all eyes widen at them, nobody speaks at first clearly in shock at the revelation. 

“Vinshenzo? What kind of name is that?” Someone harps from the back of the crowd and she feels her hackles rise, yes she might have struggled with the pronunciation of his name at first but it felt petty and intentional right now not an honest mistake like her mispronunciation had been. 

But before she can unleash her anger, another old classmates breaks the tense stalemate.

“Oh you’re the Italian lawyer I heard about on the new, who took down Babel! Great job!” 

She had also helped with that, them being a team but nobody seems to care about that all focusing on Vincenzo, all herding around her Italian like he’s a celebrity and she watches shock as he easily wins them over. 

“Sì, ero io. Il piacere è tutto tuo.” Yes that was me, the pleasure is all yours. 

The group minus Ae-ram and Min-he all oh and ah at his effortless Italian despite having no clue what exactly he just said, she too is clueless at the quickly stated sentence but the mischievous smirk on his handsome face informs her of all that she needs to know, he is mocking them right to their faces. She hides a smile behind her hands, pretending to cough into her fingers. 

Wordlessly, the group separates based on sex-she watches helplessly as Vincenzo is tugged away in a boisterous discussion about the state of Korean football- and she is left alone with those harpies but unlike the other reunions suddenly she is the most interesting woman there, regardless of Ae-ram trying to steal the show with pictures of her new full breed dog. She watches amused as the other woman is pushed aside and she is accosted on both sides, questions firing off like rockets. 

“Where did you meet him?���

“Does he have a brother?”

“When are you getting married? You have to marry him!”

“Does he always smell that good?”

She turns flabbergasted to hear that question coming from Ae-ram’s right hand woman, Min-he and Ae-ram glares at her looking betrayed before she storms off with her professional head shots of her dog. She expects Min-he to trail after the spiteful primadonna but to her shock the other woman moves in closer, joining the firing brigade with their million questions about the handsome Italian. 

They all settle down when the man they are so curious about returns, hand back on her waist like that its resting place. 

Her ears ring from their coos and shrill “awws” but she leans into him nonetheless happy to have him back, already exhausted dealing with these people. 

Then she notes that the tone of the questions suddenly shift as they begin to bombard the Italian Korean all at once. There are....more flirtatious when speaking to him and she feels her blood curl at the unprecedented change. 

“Are all Italians this handsome?” Her eye twitches at the bold inquiry, subconsciously she feels her eyes narrow into slits as she glares at the woman who was brave stupid enough to ask that. The bitch blanches at her sneer but still flutters her eyelashes at Vincenzo waiting for his response, she clears her throat loudly answering for him, “He’s one of a kind and fortunately all mine. “ She can feel the smug bastard preening next to her practically buzzing from her compliment, and she quickly makes their escape, “Please excuse us.” Vincenzo smoothly tips his drinks at the women, “Addio,” he bids farewell in Italian arm still hooked around her waist as she sashays away, Louboutin's clicking on the marble tile floor. 

The scrap of Italian leaves them all in a frenzy, whispering wildly behind them. 

She drags them to the bar, ordering two shots of soju and another dirty martini ignoring his examining stare. 

“You’re enjoying this aren’t you?” She already knows the answer to her question, it’s written all over him and she tries to stifle the jealousy that wants to rear its  ugly head. 

He looks over at her with a lazy grin, trying to appear innocent. She isn’t fooled for one second. 

“Me? I’m not doing anything. I’m only here for you.” 

She scoffs at him, staring at his annoyingly handsome face and his gleaming white suit he discarded the jacket earlier and his arms have been distracting her all night. 

“You love the attention.” 

He rubs his neck before turning to her fully, leaning on the bar counter. 

“What? Are you jealous of the attention I’m getting? isn’t that why you brought me to make you look good?” 

She wants to deny it and laugh at him, but even now she can hear the voices in the distance all intrigued by the Italian and the bartender’s eyes linger just a minute too long as the smooth Lawyer throws his free shot back in one fluid motion. She should be used to it by now, everyone in a ten mile radius getting a hard on for the Korean Italian. She understands why he gets all this attention, he is gorgeous that was one of the many reasons that she had fallen for him too but sometimes it can be intimidating to be with someone that so many others desire and so obviously too. 

She wonders if she even deserves him. 

Was she enough for him? 

“What’s going on in that pretty little head?” He taps her on her forehead dragging her from her self-deprecation. “Do you know why they’re all so mean to you?” He suddenly asks and she stares at him before shaking her head no. 

Probably because she’s a hot fucking mess. 

“They’re jealous of you.” 

A burst of laughter slips free at this speculation and she watches as his face tightens, “You really don’t know do you?” His voice is liquid fire, smoky and dark like the tendrils from a cigarette. 

“What are you talking about?” She manages to get out despite being lost in his voice. 

“How sexy you are.” He leans over to whisper directly in her heated ears, she moans lightly at his breath on her skin. 

That is hardly ever a word that she has heard used to describe her, Hong Cha-young. 

Clumsy. Forgetful. Selfish. Loud. Demanding. Too Much. 

Those words she had heard all her life but never sexy. She was too strange to be sexy. 

“You’re smart and beautiful and you have a successful career. You aren’t afraid to be yourself and now you have me on your arm. You have everything and they wish they were you, they’re jealous.” He repeats firmer this time, rubbing a large thumb across her bottom lip and grinning down at her with barely contained glee. 

She starts to deny his claim but then she looks behind her and sees nothing but a sea of envy, women and men both looking at them and she notes not all eyes are on Vincenzo a few men seemed lost in the low cut dip of her dress and the miles of naked skin on display. 

She gasps at the hard line that pokes at her bottom when he leans into her back, standing flush her back to his front. She shivers when he leans down to breathily say, “Everyone is watching, why don’t we give them a show?” 

This is not like her, at all. 

She has never been a fan of public displays of affection, even screaming at horny strangers in the past to get a room but she feels all that restraint leave her body at his challenge. Driving her body back into his jutting erection she slowly grinds in perfect rhythm to the song playing over the stereo. 

She feels seductive as the music curls around her and she lifts her arms to wrap around his neck, bringing him ever closer and pushing back harder delighted at the groan that escapes his lips. He is coiled tightly behind her but he doesn’t move a muscle letting her have complete control over their interaction and she has never felt more powerful. Continuing to sway she leans back when he tightens his grip around her waist, mewling as his nose rubs at her earlobe and letting out a soft gasp when he blows on the tender flesh. 

When she peels her heavy lids open, there are so many hungry and watchful eyes on them. 

Ae-ram looks scandalized and she can see the woman pointing at them but she can’t hear a word that she’s saying the blood in her ears is too loud, drowning out all other sounds. 

It must be the liquor in her veins because seeing all the voyeurs only makes her bolder, before she can second guess herself she spins around much to Vincenzo’s chagrin but she silences him with a finger on his lip. 

“Follow me.” 

He arches a thin eyebrow but eagerly obeys her command when she tugs him in the direction of the bathroom. 

She hears several gasps behind her as she tugs open the door stepping inside, dragging him right behind her the silence is deafening when he closes the door behind them, turning the lock with a metallic snap. 

Her breath comes out in hurried puffs. 

What the fuck am I doing? She asks herself, wondering if this is what people call an out of body experience. 

“We don’t have to do anything. Their imaginations will do the rest.” 

He’s giving her an out. 

Gripping his hands tighter, she pulls him over to the toilet which is thankfully clean using her feet to slam the seat down before pushing down him to sit. He looks up at her with inquisitive eyes, waiting for her next move but lets himself be manhandled the second time this night. 

“Thank you for everything tonight,” she covers his mouth with her hands as she climbs into his lap, whatever words he had on his tongue evaporate when their groins meet. 

“I know I don’t say this enough, but I love you.”  

She has only ever said it once before and he’d been sleeping, they both knew he wasn’t truly asleep but he let her pretend and she appreciated it but there was no way she couldn’t say it now, tonight. He had been her prince charming when she had expected nothing. 

“Are you serious? You say it to me in her-” She pops open his pants button cutting off his stunned response and he stares at her, making her feel hot. 

“Talk later?” She begs and her request is backed by her hand disappearing through the slit in his pants and wrapping around his dick, the hot muscle twitching fiercely in her hold. 

He chokes out word that sounds like a jumbled “yes” and that’s all the consent she needs to stroke him harder, using his precum to glide her hand down from the tip to the base and then back up again, he lets out a punched out groan at her purposeful handling of his imported goods. 

Shifting back marginally, she gives herself more room tugging his pants down further to get a better look at the pretty pink cock, it’s standing at attention and weeping for her and rubs harder twisting in a corkscrew motion on the mushroom head much to his pleasure, he thrusts up into her hand and immediately she lets go. 

“Please,” he whines so prettily and she tsks at him, “Don’t move, you can only take what I give you. You said you were mine right?” 

She doesn’t know what has come over her but seeing all those women and men lusting over her boyfriend makes her want to remind them and him, just who he belongs to. 

She expects him to put up some sort of fight, instead he nods eagerly at her command stilling his hip and she can see the strain in his white knuckled grip on the toilet edge. 

“Good boy.” She praises and notes with stunned satisfaction the way his dick jumps at the praise too, interesting. 

She starts with a light pace, stroking with the barest amount of pressure before she starts to grip him tighter when he groans at the dryness of her hands she leans over to spit on his head, this makes him hiss and fight to stay still in her grip she rewards him with a kiss to his flushed red head. The wet sounds of her hands stroking his hot meat fills the small space of the bathroom and lifting one hand she grabs his tie using it to yank him into a hard kiss, he opens up for her immediately letting her tongue explore his mouth. 

She has never seen this mafia man so docile, it’s like seeing a lion behave like a house cat. 

With a hard suck at his bottom lip, she breaks their kiss leaving them to pant into each other’s mouth harshly. 

She didn’t know how far she actually planned on going but now nothing seems like enough, she needs more. 

Staring deep into his eyes, she stands up releasing her grip on him and he sighs watching her confused before she slides both hands under her dress and slowly pulls down her panties, they are tiny, white and lace, matching her bra and he looks mesmerized as they are pried down her legs. 

“Are you sure?” He’s still checking on her and she smiles at him, stepping out of the panties and cheekily putting them in his pocket, “Give them safe for me,” she doesn’t give him a chance to reply before sinking back down onto him, his dick is hard and thick but she’s so wet that he glides into her like they are two matching pieces of a puzzle.  An erotic puzzle. 

“Fuck!” He shouts when he bottoms out and his cock is completely encased in her tight walls, his voice echoes off the bathroom walls. 

She grabs his tie, making his eyes pop open and she watches amused as he sputters as she stuffs the expensive material into his mouth. 

“You’re being too loud.” She teases remembering all the times he had been the one admonishing her as she screamed beneath him. 

“You’re enjoying this aren’t you?” He echoes her words from spitting out the tie and she can’t deny it, so instead she rocks forward taking even more of him simultaneously shoving the wet tie back into his mouth listening to his barely muffled grunts. She rises up on the tips of her toes, her red bottoms giving her that extra bit of height, his hard tip popping free with a wet squelch before she slams back down onto him titling her head back and moaning to the ceiling. 

He’s being so good, not moving at all simply letting her fuck down on him and she can tell his control is slipping every time he grips her waist too tightly, painfully. 

She continues to ride him, chasing her own pleasure and whimpering when his blunt head slides across her engorged bead, rocking vigorously up and down as she feels the end drawing near. She tightens her hold on his shoulder, using him as leverage to ride him faster, his thighs tense under the weight of her body and her rapid pace. 

The wet smacks fill the air filthily and she feels dirty, absolutely nasty but instead of shame an intense wave of pride barrels over her. 

“You’re mine.” She whispers out loud to herself but he misinterprets the words and eagerly nods at the statement thinking she wants him to declare that he’s hers, “Yes I am yours, all yours,” and she loses her mind, pistoning herself rapidly on his lap before pleasure surges through her body, starting in her toes and curling up her thighs and she rocks her nipples into his chest through their layers of clothes, she muffles her cry in his throat roughly pulling at the skin there to silence her deafening screams. 

It’s only then that he breaks the rules, reaching up to grab her shoulders and yanking her down to meet his vicious upward thrust and waves and waves of thick streams fill her up until she feels it leaking at the sides. 

There is no sound besides their louds pants. 

Then two loud knocks make them both jump from their wrecked state, his softening length falling from her grip. 

“This is the only bathroom.” A voice calls out disgusted and with a gasp she stands up straightening her dress and running a hand through her hair before realizing that it’s still sticky, great. 

Vincenzo is a puddle on the toilet, legs spread apart and softened dick not yet tugged away, he looks like sin reincarnated and it takes everything not to initiate another round. 

“Come on lover boy,” she tugs him up pulling him up and zipping up his pants, then she moves him over to the sink washing her hands and making him do the same. Their eyes meet in the mirror and that’s when she sees much how debauched they truly look, when he turns to look at the hickey she sucked into his pale skin while trying to be quiet she finally feels the ability to be embarrassed returning. 

it’s huge and red, almost purple, covering the thick column of his throat and he winces when he rubs at it. 

“I’m sorry, I got carried away.” She apologizes but its for naught because he grins at her proudly, “You were just claiming what’s yours.” 

His words light another fire under her skin and it’s only the pounding on the door that stops her from jumping him again. 

When they finally pull the door open, none other than a blanched face Ae-ram is on the other side. The woman looks shocked to see them both standing in front of her and the gears begin to slowly turn and a bright blush rushes up her unnaturally high cheekbones while color evacuates the rest of her face. 

“Are you serious?!” 

She doesn’t stay to hear the rest of the woman’s snide remark, all eyes are on them as she walks over to the bar to grab her discarded purse and Vincenzo’s jacket, the bartender winks knowingly at them looking equal parts aroused and jealous and she chortles, winking back. 

He hands them two shots, “It’s on the house,” he looks them up and down languidly licking his lips and she slams back the bitter liquid before turning to Vincenzo, his lips are shiny and now wet under the bright lights. 

“Let’s get out of here.” She slams the shot glass on the counter, pulling him out the door. 

He hastily swallows his drink, letting her tug him out the door into the cool night air. 

“You didn’t let me answer you before, but me too.” 

She looks at him from the corner of her eye, the wind causing her to sober up and it takes a minute to understand what he’s talking about. She shifts awkwardly when she ultimately realizes nodding while looking away, their cab is three minutes away. 

“I love you too, Hong Cha- young.” 

As if she didn’t already know. It was too obvious after tonight. 

[sturchling]

Salt-Fic September Day 26: Abandoned

Marinette was numb as she realized what had happened. This was horrible. The class had abandoned her in Gotham, alone. To think everything had been going well. The class had been nicer to her, and Lila wasn’t actively trying to ruin her time on the trip. In retrospect, that should have been Marinette’s first clue that something was wrong. She couldn’t believe this, and it had all happened in the course of two days.

The class was trying to come up with a place to go for the end of the year trip. Lila had become the class representative a few months back, when the class had started to believe the worst in Marinette. Lila had turned this into a class discussion in the guise of including the whole class in the decision. In reality, she didn’t have any good ideas and just wanted to steal someone’s idea to avoid the class’ irritation. But no one in the class had any good ideas either. Marinette sat in the back of the room just listening to the chaos of the class’ discussion.

 While she may not be the class rep anymore, she still doesn’t want her friends to be disappointed by the class trip. She had found an amazing opportunity for the class. The Wayne family was sponsoring a trip to Gotham for the class who submitted the best video essay about their collective accomplishments. Marinette spent several weeks on it, but she was able to submit a video to the contest.

 A few weeks passed and Marinette received an email from the contest. Her submission had won the contest! She was thrilled. She was excited to tell everyone, but then she realized that she shouldn’t. With the way the class thought of her now, they would likely immediately reject the idea purely because she suggested it. Instead she sent the information to Mrs. Bustier and asked her not to say who won the contest. Surprisingly, she agreed to her request and didn’t say anything.

 Lila had no idea who won the contest, but she didn’t care. This was perfect. Lila immediately claimed the credit for winning the contest. “It was hard to write the essay through the pain from my sprained wrist, but I did it for you guys.” The class fawned over Lila, thanking her for her dedication. Meanwhile, Marinette just rolled her eyes. The information Mrs. Bustier sent the class specifically said that it was a video essay contest, not a writing contest. How could the class not realize this was a lie? They had the proof right in front of them. But that wasn’t important, at least the class would have a nice trip.

 That was how the class had ended up in Gotham. The trip had been going surprisingly well. Marinette had expected that Lila would hog all the attention and the class would treat her as coldly as they had back in Paris. But instead, Lila was quieter than normal and the class was chatting with her again. Marinette had hoped that meant that they had realized that Lila was a liar and were willing to be her friends again.

 Marinette was having a great time on the trip, when she met him. He had tan skin and dark hair. He was sitting in one of the halls of the Wayne Enterprises building the class was touring. He was sitting on a bench and reading a book. Marinette had been looking for a quiet place to sketch while the class ate lunch and decided to sit next to him. When she sat down, he gave her an incredulous look, as though he couldn’t believe she sat there. Then he just turned back to his book, and ignored her.

 Time went by, and the two just kept reading and sketching in quiet. Eventually though, the boy’s eyes found Marinette’s sketchbook again. He stared at the sketch which appeared to be an outfit based off Robin’s costume. “Your work is exquisite. Very detailed.” Marinette was startled by the sudden noise. “Thank you. That is kind of you to say.” “Is it based on Robin’s costume? Why did you choose that costume?” Marinette went on to discuss her process for this design. The conversations continued until the end of the lunch for the class. When the class gathered outside of the cafeteria, Marinette had to leave. But before she did, the boy, who she now knew was called Damian, asked her, “I apologize if this is too forward, but would you care to have dinner with me tomorrow night?” Marinette agreed eagerly and was looking forward to seeing Damian again.

 Marinette had no idea who exactly Damian was until later that night while speaking with Alya. “Girl, you scored a date with Damian Wayne. So, its tomorrow night? What time?” The girls spent several hours discussing the date. Alya wanted all the details. It felt like old times, before Lila ever appeared. Marinette enjoyed this time with her best friend. Alya even helped her get ready for the date, choosing an outfit and how she should do her hair and makeup. Marinette had no idea what Alya and the rest of the class was really planning.

 The next night was one of the best nights in Marinette’s life. Damian had arrived early and endured some teasing from Alya and the class as Marinette finished getting ready. They left and had a wonderful dinner. Damian even took Marinette for a walk in a nearby park, while his brothers watched from the roof tops to make sure no rouges got any funny ideas. Marinette had a wonderful time. Damian dropped her off back at the hotel, and even walked her to the door to her room. Marinette was in such a happy mood. That was until she opened the door to her room after Damian left. The room was empty. All of Alya’s things were gone. They had been sharing a room. Marinette’s things were still there, but Alya’s things were gone.

 Marinette searched the whole hotel, but didn’t find anyone from class. She went to the front desk and asked about her class. The person working the desk looked at her in shock. “You are still here? Your class already left, said there was some emergency in Paris.” Marinette panicked, expecting a bad akuma and checked for news on her phone. But there wasn’t anything. Instead, there was an unread text.

You shouldn’t have messed with Lila. Maybe this will teach you a lesson. Have a good time getting home.-Alya

Marinette couldn’t believe it. The class had abandoned her in Gotham.

 She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know how to get home. She didn’t have money to get a plane ticket, and the class must have done something to her original ticket. She called her parents and they got her a ticket for the first available flight, which wouldn’t be until tomorrow evening. Marinette spoke with the hotel staff member at the desk, to see about staying in her room one more night. But they told her that someone else had already checked into the room for the night. Her stuff was brought to her from the room and she didn’t know what to do now. She had no where to stay for the night.

 Marinette realized she had only one option. She gathered her stuff and went to the Wayne Manor. When she arrived, she was greeted by an older man who stared at her inquisitively. “Good evening. I was having dinner with Damian earlier tonight. Something has happened and I didn’t know where else to go, may I please speak with him?” The butler looked at her warily, but did let her in the manor. He led her to a parlor and went to fetch Damian.

 A few minutes passed and he returned with Damian following with a confused look on his face. “Marinette? What happened? Why are you here?” Marinette explained everything that had happened since Damian dropped her off. “So, they just abandoned me here. I already have a flight booked for tomorrow night thanks to my parents. But I don’t have anywhere to stay tonight. I’m sorry to impose, but I didn’t have anywhere else to turn.” Damian was furious. How dare the class do this to her?

 Alfred had gone to get Bruce and fill him in on the situation. Bruce came into the parlor as well, to see Damian comforting an upset Marinette. Bruce approached the young couple, “Of course you may stay here tonight Marinette. After all, my family sponsored your class’ trip. That makes you my responsibility until you return to Paris. Make yourself at home. Now, I think I will go call your parents and tell them you are staying here with me.”  Marinette felt at ease, knowing that things were being handled.

 Marinette was returned to Paris in the morning, but she never returned to Francois Dupont. Her parents pulled her out of that school immediately after they learned their daughter had been left behind. She was now enrolled in an arts school that Chloe and Adrien had transferred to before everything in Gotham had happened. She also spent a lot of time in Gotham when she was on a break from school. She had to visit her boyfriend obviously. While Damian wished she had transferred to Gotham, he was happy that Marinette was in a better school. Marinette was happier than she had been in a long time.

  Lila ended up being exposed a few months after the Gotham incident. Marinette never got the details of how it happened, she only found out because the class showed up to try and apologize to her. Marinette stopped them, “I accept your apology, but I can’t fully forgive you. You abandoned me in one of the most dangerous cities in the world. You didn’t care at all what happened to me. I had no where to stay that night and no way home. I could have been really hurt. I’m sorry but we can’t be friends anymore, I can’t be friends with people that would do that to me.” The class didn’t like it, but they accepted it. They knew what they did was unforgiveable.

 While Marinette had been beyond hurt by what the class had done, she wouldn’t have changed anything about the trip. She learned who her true friends were and who wasn’t. She had also met Damian, who she had grown much closer to over the months after the trip. She was the happiest she had ever been and was glad that everything had happened the way it did. She was living an amazing life, with friends and family that cared for her and a boyfriend who truly loved her.

Hope you guys liked it! @maribat-central-official

[vtforpedro]

long, long health update - tw in tags please read them

I am going to speak very frankly about suicidal ideation; please don't read further if this is triggering for you ;3; but please know that I love you I had my follow-up appt with my neuropsych on monday to go over my results and whatnot. it was virtual, and I was in the middle of a head episode and I told her I wasn't doing well, but within about 5-10 minutes, she was saying I should probably go to the ER lkajflaj I guess it looked pretty bad lmao anyway I told her all the reasons I couldn't. medical trauma, being dismissed b/c I have doctors who manage my headaches, and I know it's not life-threatening even if it is 10/10 agonizing, so why are you here. they're so dismissive. she said that they have medication to possibly help break the cycle of constant migraines but I've been treated with those before and they didn't do shit migraines are secondary to iih. it's the iih that needs to be fixed ._. she said I still deserved to not suffer and that the ER is very strict about keeping covid patients away from other patients and I didn't have the heart to tell her they intubated a covid patient 10-15 feet away from me last time I was in an ER 😭 anyway so the results. she said she wasn't worried about anything going on that was concerning or indicating something wrong in my brain. I DID score quite a bit lower for someone my age on information processing (which is exactly what I said I was struggling with to my two neuros who were both like ehhh) and some issues with memory but they weren't super specific and so it could be something neurological, could be my migraines and constant agony lmao, could be my Emotional State. could be all of them at once, I suppose ;) she went into more detail about some of these things but it was the two questionnaires I filled out that were HNNN. so once all the data is entered from like 300 questions it shows a good look into my personality and perceptions and all that and it makes a cool little graph (OR SO I THOUGHT). the kind that looks like mountain peaks. so she points at the one that is waaay higher than the rest and nearly touching the top of the box and she's like 'do you see this one' me: yeah 😬 her: this is your feelings and ideations about suicide me: 😬 😩 😬 her: when I see a score this high, I stop what I'm doing and I call the police to have them escort you to a hospital me: 😬😬😬😬😬 her: but I didn't do that. because when we spoke in office you told me you felt this way and why you don't do it. you told me it's something you've lived with for a long time and the pain you are suffering is what makes it so bad. and I trust you me: 😭😭😭 okay her: do you see this line down here? this is people who have suicidal ideation recorded on this test. you scored 98% higher on suicidal ideation compared to people reporting suicidal ideation HNNNNNN. she said it probably wasn't surprising to me and asked me if I was safe again and all that. I assured her I was and said in my previous appointment; I've had suicidal thoughts since I was like 12? maybe earlier. there have been very few times in my life not surrounded by abuse and trauma so I'm never really free of it. I've had four traumatic incidents causing increasingly horrible episodes of ptsd in nine years. all through my 20s. still here woo, lol and she said she knew that and had a patient not long after my first appointment who had similar circumstances in their life. and they told her it's almost a comfort having it. cause I was saying it's in the back of my mind at all times and I won't do it, but yeah, it's always there. anyway she said they said the same thing; it's always there, always in the background as 'hey I'm an option!' even though we aren't going to harm ourselves. it's a comfort knowing there is an option even if we plan on never using it? idk it just spoke to me and I felt it in my soul we talked about some emotional stuff after and I cried and it was a thing. it felt really good to speak to a psychologist who, just as she was in the first appointment, seemed genuinely concerned and wanted to help

me. I told her I was ready for therapy and she said she'd already looked for therapists for me lkasjdlkja and gave me a group that I emailed yesterday. I don't think they'll take my insurance but she said to message her through the portal if they don't and she'll try to find someone who does I don't remember if I mentioned it, but since she knew about the head shit before I met her, she dimmed her office lights without asking if I needed it and like as soon as we started the virtual visit, she leaped up and dimmed them and said she should've thought about it before the appt 😭 (I keep my brightness really low on my computer and use the warming feature 24/7 on comp and phone and my apt is really dimmed but it still helped a lot when she did it) she kept saying 'you did nothing wrong. it was the choice of others to do what they did. you don't deserve to carry their choices. you deserve to be able to hand it back to them. you don't deserve to be in pain. you did nothing wrong. you deserve to be free of what they did and you deserve to not suffer in such physical pain' I'm so wary of doctors but I really like her and I feel fortunate to have been referred to her ;3; speaking for a long time and especially emotionally is hard for me, so I might try to do two sessions a month once I find a therapist and see if I'm ok with that. trying to keep everything virtual while delta is out there I read her report and her official diagnosis is uhh really strong for major depressive disorder, severe. and severe ptsd with disassociative symptoms so!!! I claimed both of those on my disability application and the person handling my claim told me when I had this appt to call and let her know because she wanted the info. I signed a release the day I was there when I told my neuropsych that cause MH stuff is different than other medical records. she said she faxed it to the woman handling my disability application but I was gonna call her and ask if she received it and also tell her I have a new neuro so she will probably request his stuff too I called today and her voicemail box is full so lol try again later today's been awful. last night was horrible. got a bill for over $800 from my colonoscopy/endoscopy even though I asked numerous times if insurance was covering it and was told yep, every penny. so I was on the phone with insurance and the surgery center for 45 minutes. insurance seemed confused af but the agent I spoke with got some help from people who handle this stuff I guess finally she told me not to pay it, they're going to send them a letter to get it sorted (idk if this means I won't have to pay it at all or if they're going to try to make it that way. but I think govt insurance, which is what I have, works differently. like doctors kinda have to follow what they say vs. the other way around) and not worry about it for the next 30 days. I'm still gonna worry about it lmao they used a nice scare tactic on the bill that this was the 'LAST AND FINAL NOTICE' despite the fact they've never sent me anything else. my mom and the insurance agent said nah that's just what they do to scare people into paying fuckin love america <3 land of the free. the american dream! greatest country on earth 💜🖕💜 I just don't want it to go to collections and have to fight credit bureaus to get it off my credit so it's not destroyed |: anyway my head hit like 10/10 bad while I was on the phone cause of the talking a lot and trying to PROCESS INFORMATION and stress and also the fucking hold music, which I have to hear in some way b/c I gotta know when they're back on the line hnnnnn bad day. it's 1pm and bad, bad, bad day. bad month all around. I want this shit to stop anyway. I'm sorry about the suicidal ideation talk, but it's important to talk about that stuff. it can get severe but it can also get better. it does, eventually, even if it comes and goes. it always does get better I'm sorry, I also really needed to get this down somewhere. feel like I'm going to explode emotionally AND physically and I need to talk about it. hopefully

soon I'll have a therapist to talk to so I can get a lot of this stuff worked on. got my whole life to chat about so it'll probably take a long time but I'm willing to let it lmao therapy doesn't usually work for me anymore but idk I've had a lot of shit happen in less than two years so maybe it will this time I'm trying! I really am trying if you read this rambling monster, thank you. love you all and please stay safe

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

Cristina Scabbia x Diablo: Inside metal and gaming’s most devilish crossover yet

Outstanding hack-and-slash remaster Diablo II: Resurrected isn’t just about polishing up the beloved original’s relentless fire and brimstone. In a striking collaboration with Lacuna Coil songstress Cristina Scabbia and bizarro YouTube star Mark The Hammer, it’s inspired the latest crossover between video games and heavy music, too…

When Cristina Scabbia first picked up the joypad, she had no idea she was steering herself onto a path that would still be throwing up juicy side-missions three decades down the line. A young teenager in northern Italy during the mid-’80s first generation video game boom, the future Lacuna Coil frontwoman didn’t have the spare cash for the cutting-edge equipment of the time, whose 128-colour palettes and blocky two-dimensional sprites felt utterly futuristic. When a local friend powered up David Crane’s 1982 masterpiece Pitfall! on their Atari 2600, however, it opened the doors to another world.

“I’ve been a gamer for quite a while,” her eyes light up at the memory. ​“I love video games. I love what you can learn from them. I love the stories they tell…”

Few games are as darkly compelling as Blizzard Entertainment’s legendary Diablo series. Bringing to life the dark fantasy realm of Sanctuary – a midpoint between the High Heavens and Burning Hells – its trio of classic titles chronicle the eternal conflict between mankind and the demonic legions led by Diablo, fearsome Destroyer Of Souls. When David Brevik’s original landed in 1996, it was a literal game-changer for the industry, raising the bar in terms of depth and detail, storytelling and character-building. 2000’s Diablo II raised it again, still revered by hardcore gamers as the greatest action-RPG of all, while 2012’s Diablo III brought the franchise into the modern era.

Fittingly, it’s against that shadowy backdrop that Cristina joins us today, to discuss Start Again, her musical collaboration with the minds behind thrilling 3D, HD remaster Diablo II: Resurrected.

Speaking from her high-backed gaming chair in front of an impressive PC set-up this morning, she looks ready for battle. A laid-back, dressed-down counterpart to her imposing onstage alter-ego, she is surrounded by stacks of proudly-displayed paraphernalia, from a plushie of Gremlins’ Gizmo and photos of her band, to figurines of her favourite virtual characters, spare controllers, and the ubiquitous energy drink refrigerator.

Anyone familiar with Cristina’s Twitch streams wondering if this might be a carefully-arranged studio space should think again. ​“It’s actually part of my living room,” she laughs. ​“There’s this big table that was supposed to be for dinners with friends, but as we would go out to eat instead, I decided to use it for something that I like, and filled it with computers, monitors and consoles.

“It’s where I play. It’s where I stream from. It’s the safe space.”

Diablo’s heroes work best when joining forces, and 30 minutes further north, in the town of Saronno, we meet Marco Arata – AKA YouTube sensation Mark The Hammer – Cristina’s collaborator on Start Again, and a playful like mind. ​“I was three years old when I first played on a Game Boy,” he smiles into the light of a bank of monitors, ​“and I never stopped.”

For readers not in the know, Mark is the uber-talented multi-instrumentalist who’s gained a reputation for uploading incisive, tongue-in-cheek videos to YouTube like Irritating Guitar Lessons and How To Create A Black Metal Song… Without Any Talent. Learning piano aged eight, he quickly graduated to electric guitar, bass and drums. He’s since been picked up as the live guitarist/keyboardist for Italian pop-hip-hop icon J‑Ax. The main Mark The Hammer YouTube channel has more than half a million subscribers, while its English-language alternative boasts close to 100,000.

Both accomplished, analytical, artistic minds, it feels key to Start Again’s success that the duo see gaming as a chance to switch off – less interested in graphics and game engines than narrative drive and world-building.

“Whenever you listen to a song as a musician, you have your brain working, thinking about what exactly is going on,” explains Mark. ​“I’m a big fan of acting and drama, too, and the same thing applies when you watch a movie. But when you pick up that game pad, you’re able to relax and [switch that part of your brain off]. It’s the only thing in my life that I can really say is completely relaxing.”

“I know that some people prefer creating groups or being part of a competition,” agrees Cristina, noting that Diablo, in particular, fits her play style ​“but I’m more of a selfish, solitary player. I don’t want to feel that competition while I play. I want to be able to relax and do things at my own pace, to have my own rhythm. I don’t necessarily think of games as an escape. For me, it’s a different world that I want to be part of, [parallel to] the real world. It’s not that I want to [run away and] live in the video game world. But when I’m playing, I want to stay there, I want to focus on what’s happening – I want to absorb all the vibes. It’s not just something that you’re watching: you’re part of it. You can choose your character. You can increase your power. You can pick your path and select your sides.

“There are things about this world that non-gamers could never really understand…”

Like all the best quests, it began with a message from out of the blue. Mark recalls the sense of absurdity, watching an email drop into his inbox that he couldn’t quite believe was real. “I remember opening the message and seeing that it was an opportunity to write [a song inspired by Diablo II] for the release of Diablo II: Resurrected. Oh, yeah, and you’ll have Cristina Scabbia from Lacuna Coil doing vocals. I was just like ‘What?!’”

Having dropped video game soundtrack cover albums Hammer Games Vols 1 and 0 in 2015 and 2016 respectively, Mark had pedigree in the field, but he struggled to comprehend the opportunity for such a high-profile collaboration.

“This is the game that I bought as a 14-year-old when it first came out back in the year 2000,” he fishes out his original CD-ROM jewel case for an unsubtle flex, ​“and you’re asking me to write an official song to go with it? That in itself is mind-blowing. But to be able to do that with the greatest singer in Italian metal?! I thought it was some sort of strange spam at first. When I realised that it wasn’t, it became amazing on so many levels.”

Not a huge fan of YouTube (nor, presumably, of the hack-and-slash sub-genre), Cristina’s manager didn’t quite know what to make of the invitation. Fortunately, having followed one of Lacuna Coil’s old guitarists through a laptop screen and into Sanctuary all those years ago, and already a fan of Mark’s videos, she didn’t take much convincing.

“I was just like, ​‘Mark The Hammer? I follow him!’” she grins. ​“Then, when they told me the project was to write a song for Diablo II: Resurrected, I immediately said yes. If you look back at interviews that I did years ago, whenever they asked me what dream I had or what is missing from my body of work, I’ve always said that I’d like to write something for a video game. When this came along, it was like, ​‘Hello…’”

Cristina admits that she struggled with writer’s block over lockdown. Having watched her native Italy become one of the first countries crippled by the spread of COVID-19, she was unwilling to create music with the power to transport her back to those most troubled of times. Compared to the glacial pace of the music industry over the last 18 months, however, dropping in at crunch time in a massive game’s release schedule came as an invigorating change of pace. The first message exchanged between Cristina and Mark was on August 23, with the song due online to coincide with Diablo II: Resurrected’s launch exactly a month later.

“When you have a deadline, it can either throw you down or really speed everything up and add an excitement,” Cristina muses. ​“For us, it was definitely the latter. We were perhaps a little bit tense about not knowing each other. Any time you’re working with someone new, you ask yourself these questions: ​‘Is he going to be nice? Is he going to be an asshole? Is he going to have the same ideas that I have? The same creativity? The same speed?’

“As soon as we started to text, though, I realised that Mark was really relaxed, really funny. He’s like me. We would send and receive messages in the middle of the night, and get immediate replies. It was like we’d opened the floodgates on an ocean of ideas.”

A high level of fandom was pivotal. Diablo’s angels and monsters – Greater and Lesser Evils – seem like characters lifted from metal album covers to begin with, and the chaotic action that spills from the streets of Tristram and the slopes of Mount Arreat that go down into the depths of Hell could hardly be better suited to metalheads who’re never happier than when throwing down in the pit. Cristina and Mark’s preferred player classes – Sorceress and Barbarian, respectively – even mirror their onstage personas. To simply phone in the sort of crowd-pleasing banger either of these musicians could write in their sleep would be to do the project a deep disservice.

Cristina reckons that if Diablo were a band, it would be either Judas Priest – all OTT outfits, pointy edges and demonic imagery – or Rammstein, spewing sheer pyrotechnic bombast. Mark contends that the larger-than-life, battle-obsessed aesthetic of Iron Maiden might be a better match, pointing out that many of the most monstrous iterations of Ed The Head wouldn’t look out of place in its deepest dungeons. We’d argue that the ominous, folky atmospherics of peak Opeth even more closely evoke the playing experience, echoing Matt Uleman’s iconic original score.

In the same way that Diablo II: Resurrected marks an upgrade for players in 2021 while maintaining the original’s dark heart – dynamic lighting, three-dimensional rendering and high-definition presentation bringing the action sharply up to date – this song needed to pay respect while still packing enough heft to make an impact on metal fans in 2021.

“Diablo is such an iconic game,” nods Mark. ​“I knew the original score. I knew the original atmosphere. I knew where it had to go, more or less. But it was a challenge to make something new while paying respect to the original. There were parts where I wasn’t sure where I was going, but as soon as Cristina got really into the project and added her vocals, it felt like everything [clicked].”

“Mark’s involvement was crucial,” Cristina presses. ​“Looking at that original soundtrack, I was thinking, ​‘This is such a classic – it’s so iconic – but it’s not singable.’ It felt like putting a voice over the top would ruin it. But as soon as I heard the music that Mark had written, it changed everything. He made it singable. He created so many different parts, that offered so many different scenes, so many different moods. There are atmospheric parts, but there are also heavier parts. It’s like a journey, from beginning to end…”

Part sweeping re-score, part fan’s perspective love letter, part limb-swinging metal banger, the finished track feels like a striking bridge between worlds. Is the aim for fans who’ve yet to discover the pleasures of metal or gaming to be able to walk across it?

“The worlds of metal and gaming have always been strongly connected,” reckons Cristina, highlighting the fact that they’re both tightly-knit outsider communities fascinated by the dark and fantastical, which can appear intimidating to outsiders looking in. Although she and Mark will happily welcome new fans, the main priority was to write a great song, hopefully tightening the bond between communities that already exists. ​“It’s a lifestyle,” she gestures. ​“If you see a metalhead, there’s a strong chance you’ll be able to talk about games – or vice-versa.”

Indeed, the lines have increasingly blurred over the last couple of decades. Countless rockers found their way into the world via the legendary Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater soundtracks. The Guitar Hero franchise brought songs as unusual DragonForce​’s Through The Fire And The Flames, Lamb Of God​’s Laid To Rest and Slayer​’s Raining Blood – not to forget Lacuna Coil’s Closer – into the non-metalhead sphere. Celebrities as high profile as Tenacious D​’s Jack Black have spearheaded their own digital-metal crossovers, while Avenged Sevenfold​’s M. Shadows cropped up as a playable character in Call Of Duty: Black Ops 4. Gamers have even increasingly taken to wearing branded T‑shirts a la those of their favourite bands, enabling them to recognise each other on the street.

On the other side of the coin, bleeding-edge artists like The Armed, Refused and Run The Jewels have recently been inspired to write specifically for games. Svalbard​’s Serena Cherry just started a one-woman black metal side-project called Noctule, dedicated to her favourite epic RPG. Hell, Cristina even tells us that pounding compositions by djent-influenced video game soundtrack maestro Mick Gordon are amongst the most listened on her personal playlist.

It’s down to a change in perspective, Cristina reckons, where intelligent eye for detail is now considered every bit as cool as a debauched hell-raiser attitude. Games’ intricate storytelling and epic design are recognised as on par with the finest parts of cinema, and e‑sports competitions regularly boast larger prize pots than those of their athletic counterparts.

“I was always part of the nerd world,” she says, with more than a hint of vindication. ​“A few years ago, it felt like it was almost something to be ashamed of to admit that you’re a nerd, as if you had this weird, ridiculous aura. But now, everybody – all these people who were never interested – seem to want to be involved in this world. I [sometimes think], ​‘Nah, you need to prove you’re really into it…’”

She’s not kidding. As if that massive cache of gaming equipment – from the original PlayStation to countless Game Boys and computer components – wasn’t proof enough, Cristina has even appeared as playable character The Shadow Sorceress in Iron Maiden’s ever-evolving Legacy Of The Beast mobile game. ​“It was such an honour, such a pleasure to create my own character and give all the directions for the outfit, which was basically the outfit I was wearing on the last Lacuna Coil tour before lockdown,” she grins.

Going even geekier, Lacuna Coil also just launched their own Horns Up tabletop card game, where players must fight their way to the front of the stage. ​“It’s something we’re all really interested in, but particularly our bassist Maki [Coti Zelati],” Cristina continues. ​“Every card is related to metal clichés. We even gave our fans the opportunity to see themselves on one of the cards…”

Although Lacuna Coil maintained their high-drama presence with September 2020’s Black Anima: Live From The Apocalypse stream and June 2021’s live album of the same name, Cristina was keen to use the time off to introduce fans to her character away from the band, emboldened to set up her own channel on Twitch.

“I just wanted to learn new things which could enrich my baggage of knowledge,” she enthuses. ​“I’m already singing, already writing, but I don’t want to fixate on those. Life is made up of so many different things that can enrich my music and my creativity. I was already a Twitch user, watching other people play games, but I didn’t know what my purpose was. I almost felt scared at first. I am a singer. I am somehow an entertainer. I like to talk, which is clear. But it’s different when you’re talking to a lot of people for a couple of hours – or more!

“Eventually, I decided to keep it as informal as I could so that people could see how Cristina is at home. Cristina isn’t just the singer of Lacuna Coil: I have a house, I have a life, I have passions, I have my own personality. I just wanted people to discover that. Luckily they also like this quirky side of me, which feels like the opposite that dark goth lady that so many people know. As much as I didn’t have purpose in the beginning, there’s now such a strong community every time I go online – such a clean place to exchange good vibes!”

Even the persistent undertones of sexism and misogyny that have plagued gaming, she pushes, are a speed bump to be put in the rearview, comparable to what she experienced when first making her name in heavy music.

“In metal, I encountered the same problem,” she explains, bluntly. “[Women becoming a major presence in the community] was something new, and when something is new, people have suspicions and doubts. They don’t know how to deal with it. But there are a lot of female gamers now, and a lot of females in metal. It’s been normalised, which it should be, because games and metal are for everyone.”

As the world comes back up to speed, hectic schedules mean that attention is turning away from screens, and back towards studio and stage. Mark is churning out more and more top-class YouTube content. Cristina has a packed diary, with a tribute concert for late collaborator Franco Battiato at the spectacular Arena di Verona this week, and another secretive collaboration in the works, not to mention writing for Lacuna Coil’s 10th LP, which has just begun – her creative fires reignited by bringing Start Again to life.

Having dipped toes in the video game world, though, they’re both keen to return.

“I really hope we do,” Cristina says. ​“As a fan of video games, it’s such a great chance to bring together these different passions in your life. There are so many different things I’d like to do, and places I’d like to explore in this world, but time is limited!”

“I loved the challenge here, and the process of collaboration,” nods Mark. ​“If we could work together again when it comes time to make Diablo IV, that would be amazing. I’d love the opportunity to have my own playable character in an Iron Maiden video game, too, but I’m not sure that’s achievable!”

“I thought the same thing,” grins Cristina, ever adventurous, as we wave farewell. ​“Never say never!”

Diablo II: Resurrected is out now on Nintendo Switch, PS4, PS5, Xbox One, Xbox X/S and PC.

[kimjoongs]

—ateez college au series [cs]

i imagine san to be a photography major

he has a very creative eye and looks at the world through a different kind of lens than everyone else

he’s been interested in photography ever since he middle school when he went to a photography exhibit on a field trip

san is a very expressive person and he wanted to somehow transfer his emotions into something tangible

and what better way to do that than through photography?

san has two cameras: film and digital

in high school, he didn’t have enough money to buy a professional camera so he just stuck to his phone camera

but when he got a job and collected enough money, he went and bought his first camera, the film one

you best bet san treasured it more than anything

he tried his best not to use it as much because there’s only a limited number of film and buying more was e x p e n s i v e

but when san graduated high school his parents gifted him with a digital camera too

wherever san goes, he’s always taking pictures, whether it’s on his phone or cameras

he usually uses his film camera for more personal things, like pictures of his family, friends, or places that are important to him, and he either hangs them up in his apartment or turn them in for assignments

and he uses his digital camera for editing purposes, like double exposure or halftones

his roommate, wooyoung, serves as his personal model from time to time

“hey wooyoung stand by that tree for a sec, i wanna get a picture” “omg wooyoung wait sit still, the lighting is so good here” “WOOYOUNG GET YOUR ASS OUTSIDE IT’S GOLDEN HOUR”

wooyoung is annoyed bc of this sometimes, but as soon as he takes one look at his roommate eagerly bouncing on the tips of his toes, camera clutched in his hands, he can’t bring himself to be upset about it

also the one time san submitted a photo of wooyoung for an assignment he received a perfect score on it so—

one time wooyoung asked san if he ever modeled for his own photos, and san said he’d much rather be behind the camera than in front of it

except for the photos his parents made him take when he was a kid, san never really liked having his picture taken

he always felt more comfortable taking someone else’s

oh and also because san doesn’t let a n y o n e touch his cameras, not even wooyoung

there was a time where wooyoung offered to take san’s photo for him and he practically leaped away when wooyoung reached for his camera

everyone in the fine arts building knows who san is because he’s always running around taking pictures

their campus always has a bunch of stray cats wandering around, and if photography wasn’t san’s weakness, then it was cats

“omg wooyoung look there’s a cat i need to take a picture of it—” “san you’ve already taken twenty pictures of the same cat, let’s go before we’re late to class”

san is also such a friendly and gentle soul, so it wasn’t hard for him to charm all of his professors

one professor in particular became really fond of san because he reminds him of himself when he was younger

he became sort of a father figure to san and even offered to give san tips on how to take better photos

he also gave san permission to go into the darkroom after class hours or on the weekends should he need them

you can imagine how much san took advantage of that (in a good way ofc)

if san wasn’t running around taking pictures, then he was probably in the darkroom developing them

for a few months, san was pretty much the only person who used the darkroom after hours, so he never really bothered knocking on the door before entering

but the one time he didn’t, he almost ran into someone on the way in

at the sight of someone else in the darkroom, san let out the loudest shriek, jumping backwards and hitting the door

you flinched at san’s shriek and stumbled backwards, catching yourself by grabbing onto the edge of a table

for a minute, the two of you just stared at each other, still in shock

san snapped out of it first

“oh my gosh, i am so sorry. i didn’t mean to scare you. i thought no one else was in here, ahh so sorry i should’ve knocked”

your heart rate finally went down to normal, and you straightened yourself up, giving the sheepish boy in front of you a gentle smile

“no it’s okay, don’t worry about it.”

san practically sighed in relief when he saw that you weren’t mad at him “well, now that we’ve officially scared the crap out of each other—” he stuck his hand out, flashing you a dimpled smile “i’m san, it’s nice to meet you”

your lips quirked up and you took his hand in yours, shaking it firmly “i’m y/n, it’s nice to meet you too”

and that was how san, a photography major, met you, also a photography major

apparently the two of you had managed to charm the same professor, and he gave the both of you access to the darkroom

you found out that san lived in the same apartment building as you, you being on the 3rd floor and him on the 2nd

the two you became fast friends due to your shared love photography

during visitation hours, you’ll either be in his apartment or he’ll be in yours

wooyoung, who isn’t a photography major, sometimes looks at the two you with the most confused expression because you guys will start firing off, using terminology that he doesn’t understand

sometimes if it gets too much, he’ll call yeosang and beg him to get him out of there

one time when you came over, you noticed the wall above san’s desk was practically covered in pictures

most of it was of people whom you assumed were san’s family, but you noticed wooyoung in a few of them, and then there were 6 other boys pictured too whom you weren’t quite familiar with

“hey san, are these friends of yours?” you asked

san looked up to where you were pointing, and his expression immediately softened

“yeah, that’s the gang. i use that wall to hang pictures of the people who are important to me”

your eyes widened, you weren’t expecting san to share that personal piece of info with you, but it made your heart warm nonetheless

“you’re such a sap san,” you teased, poking him in the arm

he rolled his eyes at you playfully, shoving your shoulder gently “shut up and get back to editing your photos”

for the next few months, your friendship with san grew tenfold

the two of you would often meet up after class just to hang out or grab some food

you both began to value the other’s opinion and would sometimes email or show each other photos you each took, asking what the other thought of it

you thought that having another person aside from a professor view your work, especially someone as passionate as san, made you improve

san always gave you his honest opinion, even if it wasn’t what you wanted to hear, but you were grateful nonetheless

one day, san was given a project by one his professors to photograph the same person or object for a whole month

and usually san would go and ask wooyoung, but he decided to change it up this time

so one day when the two of you were having lunch, san turned to look at you, his face set in a serious expression

“y/n, i have a very, very important question to ask you”

you raised your eyebrow at him, not used to seeing san’s face so serious

“what is it?” you asked, sitting up straight

“so i have a major assignment for class where i need to take pictures of the same person or object for an entire month, and i was wondering...if you wouldn’t mind being that person?”

your eyes widened, and san took this as a bad sign because his face immediately went from being serious to panicked “of course i’m not going to force you if you don’t want to!” 

san looked up at you, patiently waiting for your response

it’s not that you didn’t want to, it’s just... “why me?” you asked

one corner of san’s lips quirked upwards, making his dimple appear

“why not?” he replied

“i’ve just...i’ve never really modeled for someone else’s pictures before,” you said sheepishly

san waved a hand at you “you don’t have to worry about that. trust me, i’ll make you look absolutely breathtaking” he flashed you a playful wink, and you rolled your eyes

“okay fine, i’ll do it”

and for the next two weeks, san has been snapping pictures of you left and right

most of the pictures he took were candid pictures, which you didn’t mind...until he took a picture of you eating your sandwich mid-bite

“san delete that right now!”

“nah y/n, i’m putting this in the blackmail folder”

“CHOI SAN”

tbh you thought being san’s model would feel awkward, but he actually made you feel super comfortable

he would always tell you that you were doing great, giving you a thumbs up after every picture that was taken

you enjoyed having san be your hype man, he made you feel really confident in yourself

during one of your sessions, san wanted to get a few posed pictures instead of candid, so he took you to one of the open fields on campus

it was the middle of autumn so the trees were a beautiful shade of bright oranges, maroons, and vivid yellows

san told you to stand underneath one of the trees

“okay so for this one, i want you to look away from the camera, and i’ll snap a couple photos, yeah?”

you nodded your head and proceeded to pose against the tree, eyes focusing on anything except the camera

meanwhile, san was moving back and forth and side to side, trying to capture multiple angles, some close up and some farther away

“alright y/n, for these next ones i want you to stare directly in the camera. you can choose whether to smile or not, okay?”

san readied himself, placing the viewfinder over his right eye

through it he could see you, still posing nearby the tree

however, san’s many years of experience with photography wasn’t enough to prepare him for what was to happen next

because as soon as your eyes made contact with the camera, there was a soft gust of wind, soft enough to carry a few fallen leaves and have them float around you

caught off guard by the sudden flurry of leaves, a quiet gasp left your lips, and then your eyes scrunched together as you let out the softest giggle

and then click

san’s finger froze on the shutter button, his mouth gaping slightly

he slowly lowered the camera from his face, eyes glazed over and mouth still open

you hadn’t noticed him take the picture, too focused on playing with the leaves flying around you

san tore his eyes away from you for just a moment, glancing down at his camera to check the picture he just took

what he saw made him choke on his breath

because there you were

he captured the picture at the exact moment you had burst into a bout of giggles, the multi-colored leaves were blurred near the edges, framing your face perfectly

the sun hit the surface of your skin perfectly, highlighting your features

your eyes were scrunched shut and your lips were quirked up, displaying the most perfect smile

for the first time in his, choi san was rendered...speechless

he had never seen something so...so...beautiful

“san?” your voice knocked him out of his stupor, and he whipped his head up to look at you, only to be rendered speechless again

you were staring at him with the softest of gazes, a gentle, serene smile on your lips

“how’d the picture look?” you asked curiously

san didn’t say anything, but his mind was racing with a billion thoughts

his lack of a response made you nervous, and you frowned “did...did it not turn out well? was it because i wasn’t looking? i’m sorry i can take it again if—”

“no!” san interrupted, standing up quickly

“no y/n, it was...it was perfect,” he breathed out

the look on his face and the tone of his voice were enough to make your cheeks flush a deep, deep red

you’ve never seen or heard san sound like that

it almost seemed like he was...he was...

“o-oh, do you mind if i see it then?” you asked, taking a small step towards him

san had allowed you to see the pictures, and you were amazed at how well they turned out

you turned to san and gave him a playful smile “wow, you were right. you did make me look ‘absolutely breathtaking’”

you were expecting san to scoff or say smth along the lines of “i told you so”

but he didn’t

instead he looked at you with the most sincere expression on his face, and he said “no, you did that on your own”

the sky was beginning to darken, so the two of you decided to head back to your apartments, bidding each other goodbye at the elevator

as soon as san reached his apartment, he practically shoved the door open and ran inside, scaring the shit out of poor wooyoung who was watching a movie in the living room

san didn’t even bother sending his roommate a greeting, opting to flee to his own room instead and slamming the door shut

he immediately whipped out his camera, took out the memory card, and inserted it into his laptop

the pictures he took of you earlier popped up on the screen, and san’s eyes immediately scanned for the one he wanted

once he found it, he enlarged the photo and, for the third time that day, choi san was rendered speechless

his chest began to hurt, and he reached up, clutching at the fabric of his sweater right above his heart

now...san had always had an inkling in his mind that he may have the tiniest crush on you

but he always waved it off, claiming that he just really liked you as a friend

but after what happened today, he can finally confirm it

choi san liked you

and they weren’t the trivial kind, the ones that lasted for only a moment and left soon after

no, these feelings burned with longing

but unlike most people, those who chose to deny their feelings and keep it to themselves, san was the complete opposite

he wasn’t the type to shy away from something, or in this case someone, who made him feel such strong emotions

he was going to do something about it...and he knew exactly how to do it

for the remaining weeks left in the month, san still took pictures of you for the assignment

but it was different this time

instead of his usual loud exclamations he used to hype you up, it was replaced with the fond smiles and eyes practically dripping with adoration

you didn’t know how to feel about this new development, but that didn’t mean you didn’t like it

it was nearing the end of the month, which meant that san’s project was reaching its end too

the two of you were having lunch together, just chatting about random things, when san suddenly pulled out a slip of paper from his pocket, handing it to you

“what’s this?” you asked, taking the slip of paper and reading it

“it’s an invitation. my class is putting on an exhibit to showcase the photos we’ve taken the past month, but it’s a private event so only people who were given invitations are allowed in.” san leaned forward, gazing at you with a soft twinkle in his eye

“will you go?” he asked

you nodded, smiling “of course, i’ve been waiting to see how the pictures turned out!”

san laughed at your enthusiasm, but he could feel the pounding of his heart going a mile a minute

a few days later was when the exhibition took place, and you arrived at the gallery, decked out in the fanciest clothes you could find

after the guard checked over your invitation, you walked inside and was surprised at the sheer number of people who were present

you looked around, searching for the familiar dimpled smile you’ve grown very fond of

“well, well, well look who finally showed up” 

your face broke out into a smile when you saw wooyoung walk up to, dressed in a fitted button up with black slacks

“damn woo, first time seeing you in something other than a hoodie and sweats,” you teased,

wooyoung rolled his eyes in response, but he held out his hand for you

“come on, sannie is waiting for you”

you happily placed your hand in his, eager to see san’s display, and wooyoung couldn’t help but chuckle at your enthusiasm

he led you around the exhibit, carefully maneuvering around the large clumps of people until he finally stopped at a door

wooyoung opened it and gently tugged on your arm, moving your body in front of his

you looked over your shoulder at him, confusion written all over your face “wooyoung what are you—”

but before you could finish your sentence, wooyoung shoved you the rest of the way in the room, flashing you a wink before closing the door, leaving you standing in the darkness

“wha—jung wooyoung!” you reached for the doorknob, about to yank the door open

when the lights in the room suddenly switched on

you gasped, stepping back from the door and whipping your body around

what you saw made you freeze

because displayed on the walls of the room were blown up pictures of you

some were candid, and some were posed

it took you a second, but then you realized: these were the pictures san took of your for his project

you carefully walked towards one of the pictures posted on the wall

you remembered when it was taken; it was when you and san went to a cat cafe near the school

you were sitting at one of the tables, playing with a cat that decided to jump up on your lap

san thought it would be the perfect opportunity to snap a picture of that moment, and so he did

as you walked around, the memories of the past month with san started coming back to you

once you reached the middle of the room, you noticed a picture that was significantly larger than the rest

you let out a soft gasp

it was the picture san took of you in front of the tree a few weeks ago

you could hardly believe that the person in the photo was you

“which one’s your favorite?”

jumping at the sound of an oh so familiar voice, you peered over your shoulder only to see san leaning against one of the walls

he was decked out in an outfit similar to wooyoung’s, with his hair slicked back

needless to say...he looked amazing

you breathed out a laugh, fully turning around to look at him “it’s hard to choose. i just look amazing in every single one”

san’s smirk softened into a smile, and he pushed himself off the wall, making his way towards you

“which one’s your favorite sannie?” you asked

san bit his lip, cocking his head to the side

“hmm...i’d have to say all of them”

you giggled “is that so? why do you say that?”

san glanced over at you, and you almost choked on your breath at the look on his face

it was the same look he always gave you from behind the camera: pure, pure, pure adoration

you’d be lying if you said your heart wasn’t racing a mile a minute

san reached over, taking your hand in his and locking your fingers together

your eyes widened

san took a small step towards you, internally sighing with relief when you didn’t back away

you just stood there, waiting to see what he was about to do next

“they’re all my favorite because....” another step closer “...because you’re in them”

and that was the exact moment your heart stopped

san chuckled softly at your frozen state, and he brought your joined hands up to his lips, pressing a soft kiss on the top of yours

you swore your legs were about to give up

“people are about to come in any second now to see my display, but if you’re willing to wait for me until after, then i have something really important to tell you,” san said

you were at a loss for words, your mind stuck trying to process everything that just happened in a span of two minutes

just as san let go of your hand, the door to the room opened and wooyoung’s head popped in

“hey san, are you ready? people are waiting”

flashing you one more smile, san swiftly turned on his heel and nodded, gesturing for wooyoung to let people in

as soon as the crowd started filtering into the room, you were broken out of your frozen state by wooyoung gently pulling you to the other side of the room

and for the rest of the night, you stood in the back corner with wooyoung, quietly watching san walk around and the room and chatting with the people as they observed his work

you admit you were kind of embarrassed at the amount of people who were just staring at your pictures posted on the wall

wooyoung would notice and he’d tease you about it

after a while, the exhibition finally came to an end

wooyoung had left a few minutes earlier, which left only you and san in the room

as san made his way over to you, you averted your eyes to the ground, suddenly feeling awkward

but then you saw san extend his hand out towards you

“let’s talk outside,” he said softly, quietly encouraging you when you were hesitant to take his hand

once the two of you were outside, san led you to a nearby bench

despite his confidence from earlier, you could tell san was nervous now, from the way he was biting his lip and fiddling with your hand, which he was still holding

you waited patiently for him to speak, choosing to ignore the way your heart was about to explode inside your chest

after a few moments, san took a deep breath and looked directly into your eyes

“y/n...you know how much our friendship means to me right? when you and i first became friends, i was so happy to have finally met someone who shares the same love and passion for photography as i do. i truly enjoyed every moment we hung out together, and i especially enjoyed having you as my model for my project...”

he squeezed your hand, and you squeezed his back, urging him to continue

“and during the entire month where we spent every single day together, it made me realize that...i wanted us to be something more than...more than just friends. so what i’m trying to say is, i really really like you y/n, and i was wondering if we could give ‘us’ a try?”

it was completely silent for a few moments, but as san gazed at you with the most hopeful look on his face, and you couldn’t help but let out a breathless laugh

you honestly didn’t know what you were feeling, all you knew was that it was warm and comforting and that the only person who could make you feel that way was...san

“choi san, you are just as expressive with your words as you are with your photos,” you laughed, and you swore you’ve never seen him smile so big

“s-so does that mean...?” he trailed off

you smiled back at him, squeezing his hand once more “yes san, i am willing to give us a try”

now let’s just say, being in a relationship with choi san was so...refreshing

in the beginning of, you were kind of worried that things were going to change between the two of you

but when you saw san the next day, he greeted you with his usual sunshiney smile and that’s when you knew things were only going to get better from that point on

san is normally very touchy, but now that the two of you were dating, he became extra touchy

whenever the two of you are together, he’ll always have an arm around your shoulder or waist, or he’ll be holding your hand

he just feels more at ease if he’s holding onto some part of you

but of course he’d stop if you told him you were uncomfortable

also san would take a picture of you every chance he could get

the camera roll in his phone would just be pictures of you

he even made his own folder with just your pictures but would he ever tell you??? psshh no

one time wooyoung caught a glimpse of it and he snatched the phone out of san’s hand so quick, yelling that he was going to show you

when you came by their apartment that day, you walked in on the two of them in the middle of a wrestling match

wooyoung managed to toss the phone to you, and you caught it, checking to see what the two of them were fighting about

once you saw what it was, you blushed so hard and san groaned in defeat, rolling off of wooyoung and onto the floor

as you scrolled through the folder, you started to pout

“saaaan some of these are so ugly why do you still have them?”

your boyfriend whipped his head up so fast, and he had the most offended look on his face

“excuse me?? are you doubting my photography skills?”

you shoved the phone in his face “san this is literally a blurry picture of me mid-sneeze how could this possibly look good?”

but what he doesnt know is that you also have your own folder on your phone with just pictures of him in it

omg when the professor found out that the two of you were dating, the hugest grin broke out on his face and he was just oh so happy his two favorite students were together

when you and san are in the darkroom together, he’ll sometimes walk up behind you and just wrap his arms around you while you were developing your pictures

you’d always complain, claiming that he was distracting you, but tbh you secretly enjoyed it

you and san haven’t had your first kiss with each other yet, and that was because you were both too hesitant to be the one to make the move first

until one night

san had invited you to his apartment for a movie marathon since wooyoung was spending the night at yeosang’s

whilst san was getting the tv set up, you were sitting on the chair at his desk, mindlessly just looking around

you’ve been in san’s room countless times at this point, and pretty much everything looked the same since the last time you’ve been in there

but when you looked up at the wall above his desk, the same wall where san hung up a bunch of pictures of his friends and family, you noticed that there was an extra picture right in the center

your heart skipped a beat when you realized that it was the same picture san took months ago, the one where you were standing underneath the tree

you remembered what san had told you the first time you asked about the wall: “i use that wall to hang pictures of the people who are important to me”

san was too busy fidgeting with the tv to notice the look of pure joy on your face

“okay everything’s set up,” he turned towards you “y/n what movie do you wanna—mmph!”

san’s question was cut off by you throwing yourself into his arms and slamming your lips into yours

he staggered backwards, caught off guard

san was frozen for a few seconds, but then he relaxed and began to kiss you back

it was your first kiss with him and vice versa, and you could practically feel your heart getting ready to burst

when the two of you pulled away, san leaned his forehead against yours, a smirk tugging at the corner of his lips

“not that i’m complaining, but what was that for?”

you smiled at him “i’m just happy that i’m worthy enough to be put on your wall”

san’s face dawned with realization and he let out a breathy chuckle, tugging you closer to him and wrapping you up in a hug

“you were always worthy enough, it just took me stupidly long to realize it”

oh yeah san loves that picture of you so much that he made it his lockscreen and wooyoung wouldn’t stop teasing him about it for weeks

ofc you made him your lockscreen too

now don’t get me wrong, san is the absolute best hype man you could ever ask for

but sometimes a hype man needs their own hype man

so on days where san isn’t feeling like his usual cheerful self, you step up

now you’re the one feeding him compliments and giving him the warmest hugs

and when that doesn’t work, one of san’s weaknesses is kisses so you’ll cup his face in your hands and just plant the tiniest kisses on his cheeks, nose, chin, forehead, and eyes

it usually gets him in a giddy mood and he’ll eventually start giggling halfway through

when you see him crack that first smile, you get all excited and he just stares at you with the fondest expression on his face

san also likes it when you play with his hair, so he’ll lay his head on your lap and that’s when you know to just weave your fingers through his dark strands, occasionally massaging his scalp

you laugh because san reminds you of a cat whenever he lays on you

speaking of cats, the two of you practically adopted all of the cats that wander around campus

the two of you are honestly just so domestic and soft, everyone at your university practically melts when they see the two of you walking around holding hands

overall just a wholesome wholesome relationship

[yellowvixen]

I was hesitant to post this here, but I wrote a 20020 fic about Nick and Manny! It’s also on my ao3 (link in my carrd) and I’ll reblog this with the link later, as well. 

-

21079

January 1st 21079

"17 minutes and 39 seconds. We can make that."

"Yeah, yeah I know. I know. I just want to be sure, y'know, we could-"

"I'm not waiting another sixty odd years," Nick huffed. "We can make it now."

He could almost hear Manny chewing his lip over the phone, and stifled a bubble of hysteria in his throat. They'd spent a millennium training for this, and still Manny worried.

"It's winter though, surely it would be easier to wait until at least spring?"

Nick groaned. "So a few months?"

"Yeah, til March maybe. We can wait a few more months. We've waited for a thousand and fifty nine years."

"Fuck. Ok." Nick paused. "So..."

Manny hummed, spurring him on.

"Have you decided who's running?"

"Nick!" Incredulous laughter. God he wanted to see Manny laughing, in front of him, not via video. Wanted to trace the lines around his mouth, kiss the crows feet by his eyes, run hands through his hair- "You're asking me? Is that how this is working now?"

Nick tucked a leg underneath him as he spoke, contorting himself into his desk chair. "Well, yeah. Me running off without asking is what got us into this mess in the first place."

"Oh, don't you start that again," Manny said, sounding mildly annoyed. "You saved us. We scored because of you! The biggest score in centuries!"

"Yeah..." Nick sniffed. "Still. I've said it before, you should make this call."

A pause. Manny's breath was just about audible. "I... if I run we can start playing again. Properly, I mean. But... Oh fuck my battery's about to run out."

"Charge your goddamn phone! When will you learn!"

"Never."

Nick snorted, smiling. "You ass. What were you gonna say?"

"Oh uh-" Manny paused, and took a deep breath. "Can I be selfish?"

"Please."

"I want you home."

-

March 6th 21079

Nick's belongings were packed, ready to be driven by van to Manny's house - their house.

He'd been living alone for the past few centuries, in any flat he could find that was available on the field, moving about the country almost aimlessly. Sometimes people would recognise him. Once Manny had scored, their story had been released to the public, leading to a lot of questions.

"Do you think you guys can pull something like that off again?" No.

"If you had only found one ball, would you have gone to all the trouble?" Probably, yeah.

"Don't you want to see your husband?" Of course!

"Why keep playing?"

Nick couldn't answer that one. Neither could Manny, really. They could never find the right words. He supposed it was because they had been a part of this game since it started and they'd wordlessly decided to continue until it ended - if it ever did.

No point thinking about that now, Nick decided. He had told Manny that he would make the run in the morning, around 8. It was 7:30.

He checked his phone again. The last text he'd received had been from the movers, informing him they'd be at his place in a few hours. They had been all too happy to help when they learnt who their client was.

"You don't need to be there, we'll pack it all up for you! Seriously."

"You sure? I mean-"

She had laughed at Nick's insistence. "Yes, I'm sure. Just leave the door unlocked. You've planned this run for so long, I'm not about to make you wait longer."

Nick was grateful. He reckoned he wouldn't have minded just dropping everything, leaving his current flat full of furniture, but hey. It was a good desk chair.

So here he was, at the edge of Boise State's field. Nothing on him to weigh him down: no bags of footballs, no guilt. Well, no fresh guilt anyway. Just his phone in his pocket and a good pair of running shoes.

"You got this," he whispered under his breath. He took out his phone and sent a quick text.

"On my way."

-

FROM: ADMIN

TO: NAVARRO, NICK

NOTICE OF TRANSACTION

Dear NAVARRO, NICK,

This automated message serves to inform you that the Bowl Game’s officiating system has detected that you are located out of bounds, and have not returned to the field of play within ten (10) seconds. In accordance with Bowl Game rules, you have hereby automatically exercised your option of one (1) second of out-of-bounds time (OBT).

This 0:01 of OBT was awarded on

JANUARY 1ST, 21031

and was exercised on

MARCH 6TH, 21079

According to our records, you have

49

seconds of OBT remaining. Failing to return to the field of play before remaining OBT is expired will result in an automatic and permanent ejection, without exception.

If you feel you have been sent this message in error, please contact a Bowl Game official.

-

"BZZT."

Another email. Probably should have turned off notifications, Nick thought. Oh well.

He felt like he was flying. The thump of his feet on the rough ground, the cool morning air chilling the perspiration on his face, the thousand year pause of his heart finally over.

He was almost home.

"NICK!"

He grinned wildly. He was so close, Manny was right there , only a couple hundred yards away.

And then Manny was running towards him, and he'd done it, they'd done it, they were together again- hugging so tight Nick could barely suck air into his still heaving lungs. He shoved Manny back.

"Wait, we're in the field right? We're- we're not still out of bounds are we? I didn't expect you to run too-"

Manny grinned, grabbing Nick's hands, pulling them in a circle, spinning.

"Yes! Yes, we're here, you're here!"

Nick laughed breathlessly, stumbling slightly from the exertion and dizziness. Strong arms held him up, pulling him close for another hug.

Clinging on, Nick could feel the sting of tears begin to prick his eyes and shoved his head into Manny's neck, sniffing wetly.

"Fuck, I missed you."

Nick pulled back, Manny's arms still tight around his waist. Moving a hand to cup Manny's cheek, he sighed deeply and closed his eyes as they rested their foreheads together.

"Man, you smell like sweat."

"Hah, no shit!" Nick chuckled.

They untangled their arms and started walking slowly, hand in hand.

"Well, the shower is available when we get there." Manny swung their arms slightly, grinning.

"Yeah?" Nick side-eyed him. "D'you get it fixed yet?"

Manny studiously looked away, biting his lip to stop himself laughing.

"...No."

"No?! What do you mean, no? It's- it's been- it's been years-" Nick dissolved into laughter, unable to fake anger. Sniggering beside him, Manny squeezed his hand. He squeezed back.

"Maybe now you're back, you can get it fixed."

Nick pretended to think about it.

"Nah."

Manny gasped in mock surprise, using his free hand to try slap Nick’s head, who batted it away.

"What a hypocrite!"

Nick stuck his tongue out. "You love me."

"I do. And you love me."

[chuckepisodes]

Chuck vs. The Alma Mater Part 2

You were all in Casey's house now. Chuck was pacing back and forth while you were standing by the couch. Casey and Sarah were at Casey's desk looking over stuff. "So you don't know why I'm in the Intersect." Chuck stated. "Well, you didn't appear on the NSA radar until after Bryce sent you the Intersect." Casey said. "Same with the CIA." Sarah added. "Why don't I find that reassuring?" Chuck said staring at them. " The files that you saw were of you in college, right?" Sarah asked. " Yes, yes. Wait, what about Professor Fleming? I was in his class, he was CIA. Could that be it?" Chuck asked. "That's what I think." you said. "If we can find Fleming, maybe he could give us answers." Sarah said. " Okay. Let's do that." Chuck said agreeing to this idea. "It won't be easy." Sarah warned. " Intel suggests the professor's being hunted. The NSA interviewed one witness who ID'd a Magnus Einersson. He's an Icelandic spy." Casey said as you and Chuck walked over to them as Casey showed you the file of the spy on his computer. " I'm sorry, Iceland does espionage?" you asked, a little amazed. " Magnus buys and sells intel to the highest bidder. And Iceland isn't officially aware of his activities. It says here the crossbow is his weapon of choice." Casey explained "Oh, what, slingshot's too ineffective?" Chuck asked sarcastically.

Chuck was at work, chilling at the Nerd Herd desk, when he looked up and saw you coming in, on your break. Chuck smiled and waved you over. "Hey Y/N. What's up?" "Well...after all that I just wanted to check in on you and see how you were doing. I mean we haven't had a chance to talk about all of it yet and you know you’re my best friend and I care about you so...yeah. How are you?" Chuck smiled warmly at you. Things like this are just some of the reasons he falls in love with you more and more everyday. "Well uh...I don't know. Everything with Stanford and my professor being in the CIA this whole time and me being already apart of the Intersect? It's a lot to take in and I don't know how to feel about it honestly." "Fair enough." "What about you?" "What do you mean?" "Well after hearing all that, do you wonder if they may have been looking at you?" "I mean...yeah I guess. I mean I know that email was not meant for me but the fact that we are the same when it comes to that and can handle it as well... They must have known and been looking in on me too." Chuck nodded. "Do you still have your student ID to see if you flash on yourself?" "No... I got rid of it a long time ago. Guess I'll never really know right?" "Yeah..."

Casey then came walking up to the desk. "You didn't offer to kill Harry for Anna, did you?" Chuck asked "What?" you asked Chuck confused. "I'll explain later." "No. Why, you want me to kill him?" Casey asked. "No. No, just curious." "We just got a hit off a traffic camera in Hollywood." Casey said handing Chuck a photo. " That's Fleming." "Thanks intersect. You saved me a lot investigative work there. The DMV told me that." " Wow. Sarcasm, what a surprise." "What did we say about sarcasm Casey?" you said looking at him. "We located car Fleming's driving, local address. We're bringing him in a. s. a. p." " What do you need us for?" Chuck asked. " Yours is a friendly face. Professor sees you Chuck, he'll be more inclined to cooperate. Maybe Y/N's will help too. Copy?" "Yeah, except that I wasn't the professor's star pupil." "And he doesn't know me." "We leave in three." Casey said walking away. You turned back to Chuck and sighed. "What are we going to do?"

FLASHBACK "As you're aware, you scored perfectly on your midterm exam." Professor Fleming said. " Yeah, yeah. Well, I was up all night studying. It was a monster. No offense. " Chuck said. "You even aced the last section. Encoded images." " Yeah, those were just kind of a shot in the dark. " "You may be aware, I keep an answer key to every exam locked inside this office." " No, no, I wasn't aware of that." Chuck said honestly. "Really? Then how do you explain the midterm answer key... being found in your fraternity room? " "I'm sorry. You searched my room?" " We received the tip from a student this morning." " What? You got a tip about my room?" " I need to know how you broke into this office and stole the answers, Chuck." " I didn't steal anything." Chuck said getting defensive." I don't have to, I'm acing your class. " "Exactly. The student also claimed that you're selling copies. " "What?" " I know you're a scholarship student and Stanford is a very expensive school." " Look, whoever gave you your tip was lying. " "Our source was Bryce Larkin. Your roommate." Chuck was stunned.

Present Time

Casey was waving you both over. Chuck sighed. "I don't know. Come on Y/NN." he said softly getting up from his chair, and walking out with his hand on your back as he lead you out.

You were now all in the Nerd Herder, outside Professor Fleming's house, keeping watch. "We'll extract the professor as quickly as possible." Sarah said. " You'll keep watch? " Casey asked. "If we flash on any bad guys, one of us will call." you said. " Everything looks quiet, but..." Sarah started. " We know, we know, stay in the car." Chuck said. "Okay, good. Let's go." Sarah said. You got out of your seat so Sarah and Casey could get out of the car. Once they were both out, you sat back down in the passenger seat. You both watched as Casey and Sarah walked into his house. Not long after though, Chuck noticed the professor walking up. "It's Fleming." Chuck stated. "What?" Chuck pointed at the mirror where you saw the man walking up. "Are you sure?" "Definitely." Chuck looked over one more time then decided to get out of the car. "Professor Fleming! Hey!" Chuck shouted going after him. You got out of the car as well following them. Fleming turned around and saw you both and freaked out and ran. You and Chuck started to run after him too. "No, no, no, wait, professor, it's me, Chuck! Professor, stop! We're here to extract you! Glass Castle!" That made him stop and turn around to look at you both. " I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. But it's- It's Chuck. I was in your Psychology and Symbolism class at Stanford. I don't know if you remember me." "Chuck Bartowski. Of course I remember you." " Ha, ha. I guess it's not every day you kick a guy out of school, huh? At least, I hope not." The professor then looked over at you. "And this is my best friend, Y/N." "Nice to meet you Y/N." "You too." "So you're, uh, with the Agency now. Why didn't you say so?" " I don't think we're supposed to, really." Chuck said. "Oh you are too miss?" "Yeah I am too." you said, nodding your head. " Well, we have code phrases. Didn't they train you?" looking between the two of you. " We mostly just stay in the car." Chuck admitted. " Next time, if it's a dangerous situation, say, "Are you coming to the toga party? "" " "Are you coming... ? " A real code phrase. I like it. That's awesome." "What are we doing? Who's bringing me in?" Fleming asked. "Oh, right. Yeah. So Sarah and Casey will do that." you said. " But, um, I was wondering if I could ask you something first. Why did the CIA have a file on me at Stanford?" Chuck asked. " I'm sorry." All of a sudden, Fleming just fell forward onto Chuck and he quickly grabbed him, thinking it was a hug. "Oh, hey. Hey. Hey, hey, buddy. Let's not beat ourselves up. You know, the past is the past. Okay. Look, we didn't really know each other that well at college. And this is a little awkward, so..." Chuck said feeling uncomfortable now. As Chuck's hand went down his back though he felt something sticking out of it. "Oh, boy. " "What is it Chuck?" you asked concerned. You looked over and saw the harpoon in Fleming's back. "Oh God." You quickly went to Chuck's side to help him. "Hey, hey, hang in there. Hang in there." Fleming's weight became too much though and Chuck began to fall over bringing you along with them. " I put in- Give this to Bryce Larkin." Fleming said handing Chuck a piece of paper. " Bryce? Bryce Larkin? What-? What did Bryce have to do with this?" All of a sudden the man with the crossbow came over and he harpooned the paper out of Chuck's hand, making you scream a little when you saw how close it came to your head. "Ah. Ah. We are nobody, I swear." Chuck said. The man grabbed the paper and walked away. You then heard Casey and Sarah walk out of the house. " Casey, come on! Over here!" you yelled. "Man down, man down! Help me!"

You and Chuck were back at his place now. You were both in his room, sitting on his bed, trying to process all that happened. You knew this was hitting Chuck more too and you wanted to be there for him and to keep him company. All of a sudden you both heard a whistle and looked up to see Sarah and Casey staring in the window. You decided to get up and let them in. "I'm sorry, guys, but we have to talk." " Okay." you said as you went to sit back down beside Chuck. Sarah took the comfy seat in front of his bed while Casey took the chair by the window. "So how was the hospital? Is the professor gonna be okay?" Chuck asked. " They're putting him into surgery now. " Sarah said. "We can't talk to him, sort this mess out. You sure it was Magnus you saw?" Casey asked. " Gee, I don't know, Casey. How many psycho archers do you know?" Chuck said sarcastically." I asked Fleming about why I was in the Intersect. Should've brought him to you, sorry." " It's not your fault." you said. "I keep thinking about what he said. Why would he want me to bring those numbers to Bryce?" Chuck asked. " Bryce must have been one of his CIA contacts. Fleming was probably never told of his death." "List off the numbers you remember. " Casey said. "There were like 10 of them. A couple of nines." Chuck started. "Five, definitely started with a two." you added. " That's it? You two have a computer for a brain and that's all-?" " It was a very stressful situation, okay? We watched a guy get skewered by a crossbow." Chuck shouted. "Look, Fleming knew something. Before he fell, he said, "I'm sorry. " Why would he say that?" " I don't know, Chuck." Sarah said. "Yeah, well, I think he might know why I'm in the Intersect."

It was later in the day now and you and Chuck were still chilling. You decided to walk over to Ellie's room and see what she was up to. Chuck walked in and you just chilled by the door. Ellie turned her head to look at you both. "You guys okay?" Chuck walked over to Ellie's bed and fell forward on it. You couldn't help but stifle a laugh when you saw that. "It's not late for you to change your mind about revisiting the old alma mater. And to cheer on for yours Y/N" she said as she was packing her suitcase for the weekend." Spending time with me and Devon." "Oh, please." Chuck said looking up at Ellie. "You just don't wanna be stuck in a car alone with Awesome's frat buddies." "Maybe, or maybe I'm your sister and I care about you, and you too Y/N." she said turning to you quickly before turning back to her brother. "And I think that going back to Stanford would help you to move on." "I love you, sis. And I'd take a lot of bullets for you... but five hours in a car with Awesome and his bros, that is asking too much. Besides, if I came, you wouldn't have room for your fun old foam finger." Chuck said grabbing it and pointing it in Ellie's face which made her laugh. "Stop it." "What is this?" " I don't know, but look at what I found." Ellie said holding up a book." See this?" " It was in my old college stuff. "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. "" "You still have that Chuck?" you asked amazed. "Yeah... Kinda forgot." " You want me to return it to the Stanford Library for you? " Ellie asked. "No. No, I'd kind of like to finish it. See how it ends."

" That book is like four years overdue." "What do you think Stanford's gonna do, huh? Expel me?" Chuck said jokingly. " Come on Y/NN." he said leading you out of Ellie's room. "I'll talk to you later Ellie." you said waving at her as she waved back. As you and Chuck walked down the hall, he looked at the book and stopped in the middle of the hall. You looked at him a little confused. "You okay Chuck?"

FLASHBACK Chuck and Bryce were having an intense game with nerf guns in the library. "You're a dead man, Chuck Bartowski." Bryce shouted, hiding. " All right. Come on, Bryce. Give it up, buddy. I know you're out of ammo, I've been counting." Bryce then appeared behind Chuck, hands in the air. "Buddy. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You wouldn't fire at an unarmed guy." " I might. It's hardly sportsmanlike." Chuck said with his gun pointed at him. "What's this?" Bryce said turning to the books on the shelf. He pulled one book out. "Gynecology for Geeks. You read this?" " No, is it a good read? " Bryce then fired his nerf gun and got Chuck on the forehead. "Got you. Larkin over Bartowski again." Present Time

"Chuck?" He then turned his head and looked at you. "I know what the numbers mean Y/N." "What?" "The paper. I know what they mean."

You and Chuck were now over at Casey's place once again.

"I know what the numbers mean. They're for a book in Stanford Library. Bryce had a place where he would stash stuff. He told Fleming about it. Fleming must have left the intel there for Bryce." Chuck explained. "It's a matter of time before Magnus figures it out and beats us to the book." "Bingo." " Unless we can beat him to it." "Bryce kept his stuff on the third floor. There was a turn..." Chuck was now struggling to remember." There was a turn... I'd have to be there to remember." You looked at Chuck wondering where he was going with this. He looked at you then back at Casey. "I can't believe I'm about to say this, but we have to go  to Stanford." "What?" you asked shocked. "Cool." Casey said.

[ehstarwar]

the gentler gamester is the soonest winner (4/4)

“Dr. Skywalker, you have two PhD’s. I think the scanner, a widely used form of communication, is well within your capabilities.”

He humphs unceremoniously at this. When he finally turns to face Rey, he’s wearing a sly grin that usually means danger, but Rey has learned that some things are better left unexplored.

-

Rey gets some unexpected help from an unexpected source.

-

Rating: Teen and Up

Word Count: 2k

Read on AO3

Notes: please accept this chapter as an apology for last chapter. i do it for the reylos (´ｖ｀)

Chapter 4: when the battle’s lost and won

-

The thick, fraying carpet gave a repulsive squelch beneath the soles of Rey’s rain-boots. She doesn’t know how it’s possible for so much rain water to have made it down the hall and into the professors offices, but she’s thankful for the protection of her walmart-brand rain boots regardless. 

The rain outside was quickly turning into a wintery mix as night drew closer and Rey wanted to make it back to her apartment as quickly as possible. This was the last stop for the semester, picking up her final project results from Dr. Skywalker’s office. She knew the grade already, had for the last couple days, but his notes did occasionally provide some much needed insight.

Her attempts for him to send it to her via email had been quickly vetoed with a succinct: 

No. =P

Sent from my iPhone

It was hard to resent a man who used outdated emojis and brought her expensive coffee on occasion, so she chose to let it go.

Dr. Skywalker’s office was in a perpetual state of disarray, but it had a nice homey feel to it. Rey had spent her fair share of course verbally sparing with Dr. Skywalker in here; enough to be comfortable opening the door and heading in.

“Hi, Dr. Skywalker,” She says, peering over the mountain of paperwork to see him.

“Rey! You braved this weather just to get you final back?” He asked, not looking away from his computer screen. 

“I wouldn’t have had to if you’d just emailed me, like I asked.”

“I would’ve had to use the scanner.”

“Dr. Skywalker, you have two PhD’s. I think the scanner, a widely used form of communication, is well within your capabilities.”

He humphs unceremoniously at this. When he finally turns to face Rey, he’s wearing a sly grin that usually means danger, but Rey has learned that some things are better left unexplored. She eggs him towards her visit.

“So… my final project. Do you have it… somewhere?” She asks.

“Oh, yes,” He looks at a stack of papers roughly 2 feet tall, pulling out a packet from the middle section, in a stunning display of balance and perception. She’s also learned not to ask Dr. Skywalker more questions than necessary. “But first I’d like to discuss your performance this semester.”

Rey frowns at this. “My performance?”

He nods.

“Was it unsatisfactory?”

“Of course not. You’re one of my top students.” Rey would prefer to be The Top Student, but she’ll settle for this. 

“Okay then; what about my performance?”

“You had so much energy leading into this semester, but it seemed to plateau after the midterm. Were you unhappy with your score? Or maybe with another class even?”

Rey wasn’t unhappy with her score on his midterm; it was an A- and she agreed with all the points he knocked off and even appreciated his input going forward. Rey wasn’t unhappy with any of her other classes, either. A mix of A’s and one lowly B (curse you BioChem II), but was overall happy with her academic performance. 

Her unease and general displeasure the past few weeks stems from the Event She’d Rather Not Talk About, as she’d taken to calling it. 

Alternatively, Ben.

Maybe she didn’t know him that well; maybe she spent the majority of their relationship dreaming about pushing him out of a seat that was hers; maybe he was right when he said that it wasn’t okay for them to get together. Maybe all of those things were true, and Rey accepted this.

But it sill hurt. 

She’d spent the rest of the weekend moping about it, refusing to like a stupid meme Poe shared with her on insta. By Monday, she was still in the dumps, but decided that no man who could kiss her then leave her within the span of 10 minutes was deserving of her tears. Even if that man had lips that tasted like pure sin and hands she could still feel the ghost of on her hips. 

She had purposely come to class barely on time for the rest of the semester, to breeze past him, not sparing him a second glance, and sit in her officially-official seat in the back. She definitely didn’t stare at the back of his head and ruefully realize that the one opportunity she’d had to feel his hair beneath her fingertips had slipped away. 

Rey had thrown herself into her schoolwork, using this lack of a significant other as an excuse to be the best student possible. Even if her social life (the minuscule one she had) had to suffer because of it.

“No… I just wanted to focus. Put my head down, petal to the metal, other clichés like that,” Rey says. 

“So no problems? Not even… socially?” Dr. Skywalker was many things. Brilliant, charitable, occasional areshole. Subtle was not one of these things.

“I met your nephew. But I think you knew that.”

“As a matter of fact, I did!” He looks like the cat that caught the canary and Rey is beginning to think that is a set up of sorts.

“What did Ben tell you?” Rey asks, afraid of the answer but still desperate to know. 

“My nephew is not one for over-sharing, if you can imagine, so you can imagine my surprise when three weeks ago, I receive an email from him. It takes him about… four paragraphs to get the nerve to casually tell me he’s met a student of mine, and another two for him to casually ask how you are.”

Rey’s heart drops.

“What did you tell him?” She asks too quickly, earning a pointed stare from Dr. Skywalker.

“I told him that if he cares about you enough to email me, one of, if not the, people he hates the most, he should man up and ask you himself.” Rey frowns. She’s not sure what she’d expect him to tell Ben, but that just seemed so… rude.

“Surely there was a better way to phrase that.”

Dr. Skywalker observe her for a moment. “You think I was too harsh?” He asks.

“Well… yes. Ben was just being nice. You should’ve taken it as a compliment that he emailed you at all. That was… probably a big step for him.” Rey is sure she’s pouting, even if she’s not sure why.

“Hmmm… I agree.” At that, Dr. Skywalker checks his watch, then hands Rey her final, notes and all, without anything further.

“So… that’s it?” She asks, tentatively taking the packet. 

“That’s it.” He’s turned his attention back to his computer screen and Rey feels like she’s being brushed off.

“Okay, then. Well… have a good holiday. I guess I’ll see you in January.”

“See ya round, kid.” He says as she leaves his office. 

Rey will have plenty of time to pick apart this interaction and let her mind spiral with this particular form of oddness from her mentor much later. Preferably when she’s back in her warm apartment, face mask on, wine in her hand, and safe from the winter storm that brewing out side. She makes it about twenty feet from Dr. Skywalker’s office when that plan goes down the drain.

Sliding in front of her on the linoleum floor, is a dripping wet, out of breath, dressed in black Ben. 

He stops a few feet away from her, and Rey is in such a state of shock that words aren’t forming right now.

“Rey,” He says. God, she’d forgotten how good that voice can sound. He walks towards her until she can feel his heavy exhales of breath on her face. 

“It is,” Ben lifts his wrist to check his watch, “5:04pm. All final grades were submitted online at 5pm.” He says this with such determination, and Rey cannot fathom as to why.

“Okay..?”

“I finished putting everyones grades in about twenty minutes ago.”

“Congratulations?”

“Do you know what that means?” He asks her. If she thought she was confused by Dr. Skywalker’s odd behavior before, it is nothing compared to what she’s feeling now.

“I don’t know what that means, Ben. Care to enlighten me?” Her words are harsh but she’s a little fed up with this family’s shit.

“As of four minutes ago, I ceased being your superior in any way.”

“Well… good for you, I guess.”

“It also means that I can ask you out. On a date. With me. If you want.”

Rey’s body goes rigid. Realization dawns on her like a tidal wave and she feels so utterly stupid for not realizing it sooner. She stares at Ben for a few moments (mostly because she can), taking in his giant, brooding form, that she’s never liked quite as much as she does in this moment. Ben clears his throat and she realizes she’s been quiet for too long.

“Yes!” She screams. “Yes, I’ll go on a date with you. Yes, yes, very much yes-”

Ben is kissing her with a ferociousness that takes away Rey’s breath. His lips are still so surprisingly soft, and his hands still so magnificently large as they up her cheeks. The kiss is tender and sweet, yet hot and desperate all at the same time, and it makes Rey feel more justified in her moping since their last kiss. 

Her hands rest on his chest and his forehead goes to rest on hers as they catch their breath. Someone, she doesn’t know who, starts breathlessly laughing, and soon enough they’re both clinging to each other to keep their knees from giving out.

“You ran all the way from the Fine Arts building?” She asks, lips brushing against his on every syllable. 

“Yeah.”

“How did you know I was here?”

“Luke emails me that the girl I’d be too stupid to loose out on was in his office.” Rey can’t help the grin she thinks will permanently be on her face. 

“He’s a very smart man, your uncle.”

Ben hums in disagreement, “You’re smarter.”

He kisses her again, slowly this time, like he’s mesmerizing every nudge, every slide, every movement they make together. It isn’t until an all-to-familiar chuckle pierces the silence that Rey or Ben look up. 

Rey’s cheeks instantly redden, just like Ben’s ears. 

“Just don’t do anything unseemly in the shop!” Dr. Skywalker shouts as he exits the building. Rey drops her head to Ben’s chest, feeling comforted by the deep rumble of laugher she feel there. He wraps his arms around her then, and she doesn’t care that he’s wet; she’ll hold him as long as he holds her.

“Ben?” She says, muffled by his chest. “I’m really glad I stole your seat.”

Rey doesn’t have to she his smile to know it’s there. “Me too.”

-

“Excuse me, but I think you’re in my seat.”

Rey whirls around, feeling very dramatic in the large, leather chair that probably cost as much as a car. She sees a very welcome sight; Ben, standing in the doorway, in a pristinely cut suit, wearing the comma-shaped cufflinks she got him for his last birthday.

“Now you have the guts to tell me to bugger off.” She jokes.

“Did I tell you to move, Ms. Niima?” He asks teasingly, using his best Professor Solo voice.

“No, I don’t believe you did, Professor Solo. Or is it Dr. Solo?” Rey asks, sitting up straighter. Ben comes around the large oak desk, depositing another cardboard box filled with books older than the university on it. 

“I think I’ll make a special exception for you Ms. Niima. Can’t have a big-whig Lead Engineer of Resistance Enterprises, calling me something so… stuffy.” They’re both grinning at each other now, liking this vanilla role-playing too much.

“What should I call you then?” She asks.

Ben suddenly grabs Rey’s legs, picks her up, spins around and deposits them both in the chair so that she’s seated comfortably on his lap.

“I think you can just call me… fiancé. For now, at least.”

Rey doesn’t think she’ll ever get over the way his eyes sparkle when he looks at her like that. Like she’s the greatest thing he’s ever seen and that he’d fight the whole galaxy just hold her like he’s doing now. 

“That sounds perfectly acceptable. You can just call me your seat thief.”

[medschoolash]

Do you mind sharing more your road to medical school? Only if you’re comfortable of course?

yeah sure anon! I’ve actually never written my full story on here or anywhere so I’m glad I get the chance to do it now and hopefully this encourages someone else to keep pursuing their goals or dreams. 

Warning this is a long story . 

so I graduated with a degree is biology back in 2012, it took me 5 years to finish that degree. I was initially a biochemistry major and I changed halfway thru, which put me behind a semester. The semester I was supposed to graduate my depression, something I had struggled with since childhood but never quite acknowledged, had worsened to the point that I could barely function as a student, so I ended up failing every class I took that semester which meant I had to comeback for another semester. 

My final semester in undergrad I prayed everyday for just Cs, that’s what I needed to graduate and that’s all I really wanted because I had zero energy to invest anymore. God heard my prayers and I finished the semester with straight Cs. 

this is the face of a depressed girl who had finished an academic journey well below where she’s used to being but who is grateful she even got to finish at all.

It’s safe to sat that after my terrible academic performance my medical school chances were shot to hell and my confidence in my ability to actually be a doctor what almost zero. I was an amazing student in HS, won every award imaginable, was student of the year, etc but undergrad just didn’t go that way for me. I started off strong and gradually declined as my mental health problems became worse and worse. So to finish the next part of my academic journey at such a low place academically was a blow to me. After graduation I had to make a decision about what I would do next. I thought about doing a post bac program but I couldn’t mentally handle more school and I had zero desire to get a masters in biology when I was so miserable as a biology major.

I ended up deciding to take a year off after graduation. I have amazing parents who support me so they were okay with my decision. I didn’t work or attend school and at times I felt like I was just wasting my life but I did do a lot of soul searching and I discovered what I was really passionate about it life. That time off gave me a chance to mentally rest and recover from a very hard phase of my life. It gave me the freedom to get to know myself better without the pressures and responsibilities of life. I was always aware that this was a privilege that a lot of people don’t get which made me extremely grateful for it. During this time period I was introduced to the field of public health. My best friend had left some months before to pursue a Masters degree in public health and she mentioned she felt I would like it. During my break I looked into it and I learned that it was the perfect combination of all that things I was passionate about at that time: medicine, community, service, and advocacy. The more I explored the field and myself the more I became sure that this was the next step in my path, that this would be the place that I could fine fulfillment while also doing something that could potentially made me a better medical school candidate. while I researched school I started a community health initiative through my church, volunteered in my community, and did small things that made me feel like I had purpose and was making some sort of difference in the world. 

One night when I was up at 3am binge watching the early seasons of game of thrones I saw an email about a school in California that offered a Masters of Public Health degree via their School of Community and Global health. I had always wanted to live in California and the school was perfect for what I was looking for so despite knowing that my grades technically weren’t what they needed to be for a graduate program (yes my undergrad GPA that THAT low) I applied to the school. I even took a huge risk and applied to ONLY that school because that’s how much faith I had about this being the next step for me. It was stressful waiting to hear back from the school and I had many moments of doubting if it was the right decision. I applied to the school in early 2013. The end of July early august approaches and I still haven’t heard anything back even though school starts the first week of September. All of my friends and family knew I would get in but I was seriously doubting. They believed in me so strongly they even gave me a surprise going away party before I even got accepted. 

My dad later encourages me to call the school so I call, fully expecting to hear that I was rejected. At the end of that phone call I learn that I had gotten into the school but I never received my acceptance letter because there was a mix up in their office with the reporting of my GRE scores. I cried as soon as I was told I was granted a conditional acceptance so I barely even processed that it was conditional and not full right away. Either way I was just happy that my faith had paid off, I was going to be attending a school in my dream area and studying something I was passionate about. 

I had less than 1 month to move halfway across the country which was hectic but my family was amazing and made the quick transition a breeze. In August 2013 I moved and once  I got there I now had to finally force myself to deal with the fact that I had a conditional acceptance looming over my head and if I didn’t perform up to par I would be dismissed.  This was also a very  expensive private school that is a part of a very prestigious consortium of colleges that based on stats I shouldn’t have even been accepted into. So  I couldn’t afford to fail at this.  This was stressful at first because my confidence in myself academically still wasn’t great after my experience in undergrad. Long story short tho, I needed to maintain at-least a 3.3 my first semester in order to be granted full acceptance and continue in the program…. I ended up with a 4.0 that first semester. I shocked myself with my performance and doing that well really gave me a much needed boost of confidence. After this first semester I slowly started to allow myself to really dream of medical school again and believe it was possible.

My Graduate experience ended up being exactly what I needed. I met amazing people while in my program, got to experience an amazing city like Los Angeles, and I started to really understand what kind of physician I wanted to be going forward. It was during this program that I realized that there was more to medicine than the science and that It should take more than just perfect grades to call yourself an MD.  I learned that I needed to be a doctor that their patients could trust, that could see the bigger picture outside of just their disease, that could advocate for them, that could treat them with respect and understand everything that affects their quality of life like income status, race, educational background, access to affordable transportation, food and healthcare, and health policy. This is where I decided that I wanted to be a primary care provider instead of a neurologist, where I finally found what my purpose truly was. It wasn’t to just be a doctor for the sake of being a doctor, it was to be a true servant of the people on a community level and global level. 

Despite all this amazing growth and the amazing experience, during my final year my depression and anxiety started to rear it’s ugly head again. It was even more dejecting this time around because I was so happy, so content, living such an amazing life but no matter what I seemed like I couldn’t escape. At the end of 2014 I had health issues that made my mother fly out to California for a week to take care of me and I had huge mental breakdown in February of 2015 (I wrote about it on here before). I remember crying to my friend in the UK about how I was tired of the up and down and how I felt like it was just hopeless for me at this point. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t leave my house, couldn’t make myself eat. Even a small task like combing my hair, brushing my teeth, or putting on proper clothes felt like a chore that I couldn’t do. It was the worst I had ever been.

Once again my academic performance started to suffer again. The only thing that really saved me was the fact that I was pretty much done in the classroom at this point.  I was mostly working on my internship with the exception of one elective class . That’s the only reason my GPA didn’t take a huge hit but my internship was threatened every week. I worked for an amazing organization in LA county that was dedicated to serving the health needs of the incarcerated population. My preceptor was so flexible and amazing that when I told him I had issues with anxiety that were preventing me from coming to the office he helped me arrange working from home. He did all he could to help me finish even when I missed deadlines, appointments, etc because I couldn’t leave my house. More than once he had to be firm and tell my that If I didn’t do better I wouldn’t be able to continue but he always managed to find some grace to extend to me. His final act of grace was granting me an extension on my internship year. 

Basically what happened was by the time the beginning of May 2015 rolled around I did not have the hours to complete my internship. This was okay from a school perspective because it meant that I could still walk, but from an internship perspective I was very behind, well behind my initial contract and they didn’t have to extend it to allow me to finish. My preceptor sat me down and wrote out a plan that would require me to put in very strict hours until October of that year and if I finished by that deadline then they would sign my paperwork that would allow my degree to officially be conferred by the university. I was so grateful for the grace that I cried in his office.

I walked for graduation in the May 2015 ceremony got the summer off, then returned to california to complete my internship and my capstone. 

this was me on graduation day, 3 months after a major mental breakdown

Nothing but the grace of God got me through those months after my breakdown and the next few months. I mustered up every piece of energy and courage I could find and finished my Internship by my deadline in October and my preceptor signed off. My final project was designing an in custody Hepatitis eduction program to add on to their existing HIV education program, something that I am extremely proud of doing since LA county has one of the largest prison populations in the entire world and the vast majority of those incarcerated are black people. 

Immediately after my internship was done I went through a very trying family issue that once again sent me into a spiral. I had initially planned on staying in LA to work in public health until I decided to apply to medical school but after talking to my family I ended up deciding that moving back home near my family would be the better option so I left a city I loved and returned to my parents house. While home I decided that I was tired of not getting help for my mental health issues so I made the decision of finally get into therapy. I made the decision because I knew I could never be a doctor unless I got help. I also made the decision because I was tired of being held back in life because of it, because I was tired of having every good moment tainted my illness, because I knew I couldn’t keep living the way I was living. 

The beginning of 2016 was so hard because therapy, though helpful, opened up so many old wounds. I was often drained after my session (I would walk around whole foods for an hour buying random stuff after each session just to get some of the weight off my shoulders before returning home) but the experience was so freeing that I kept going and I could see the improvement. I learned so much about myself and why certain things have repeated itself at every stage of my life. I learned so many valuable skills and unlearned so many harmful thought processes and behaviors.For the first time since I was a child I finally felt like a free person, not like a walking pit of achievements and expectations, not like a sick person, not like a person just going thru the motions. This helped me finally decide that I was ready to purse medicine again.

My initial plan was to apply to medical school while I was in my graduate program so that I could stark right after graduation but I was so paralyzed with depression and anxiety I would stare at my MCAT book and just cry for hours because I didn’t feel good enough, I didn’t feel smart enough, I didn’t feel worthy enough, and I didn’t feel strong enough to even take that exam let alone actually be a real doctor. So I put it off. I remember being in my therapist office crying because I wanted to be a doctor so badly but It felt out of reach with my grades and history. The day I finally found the courage to schedule my MCAT exam I actually cried as I pressed the process button. I remember sitting in my therapist’s office crying as she smiled and encouraged my for having the bravery to face something that brings me so much anxiety and for having the courage to keep going forward despite the uncertainty. 

If this was a Disney movie I would have scored super high on my MCAT and then been accepted into my first choice school but life isn’t a Disney movie. 

I was scored barely high enough to be competitive but not high enough to offset my academic history so I was rejected in my first round of medical school applications. Prior to therapy I would have completely crumbled and given up, but because I was so much better at that point, so much stronger and braver I cried my initial tears and sat down to restudy for the MCAT again two days later. I was determined to do better, to cope better, and manage my life better. I started yoga, kept going to therapy, and spent time with myself and my friends and family and really finally healed and grew as a person

During this time I prepared my second round of applications for medical school, I applied to over 16 schools with the full knowledge that my application wasn’t as competitive as it needed to be but knowing I had what it took to be a good doctor and somehow it would work out for me. I retook the MCAT and got literally the exact same score as before lol I took that as a sign that I didn’t need to put my faith in an arbitrary measure of intelligence that actually had no bearing on whether or not I would actually make a good doctor or do well on the boards (research backs this up) and instead that needed to put my faith in myself and In God. 

During my previous round of applications I heard about IMG medical schools and I started an application for one school but never finished it because I remembered the stereotypes about IMG students and how they weren’t respected in the states or didn’t make it. During my second round of applications I ended up talking to an associate that was at a small Caribbean school. She told me about her experience and really made me open minded about pursing this alternative path. After doing lots of research I learned that the school I almost applied to at first is one of the most respected IMG schools out there and has given thousands of students the chance to be physicians. 

I decided to apply just before my US medical school rejection letters started coming it. There were a few times that I started to feel like I would never get in or if I did I would be making a huge mistake by going. shortly after sending my application I started a job in a hospital emergency department and while there I learned that 2 of our main ED doctors were actually IMG graduates. I also learned that the hospital had two residents from the school I applied to. This was so encouraging to me because it showed my that I wasn’t wrong. IMG grads can make it, and they aren’t any different from any other grad. They have MD behind their names and perform their jobs just as well as anyone else. The IMG docs were getting the same respect and salary as the Stanford grad on staff. None of that truly mattered, what mattered was can you do your job and do it well. 

What a lot of people don’t tell you about IMG schools is that yes a lot of people attend because they have a rocky academic history, but many attend because they were excellent students but US schools just didn’t have the space for them (google how much of a physical shortage US hospitals have because US schools can’t meet the demand with their low acceptance rates). Many attend because they decided to be doctors later in life and had huge gaps between degrees that US schools found unattractive. Many of them are good enough to be excellent doctors, they just needed the opportunity to do so, I was one of those students. 

After getting rejected by all 16 schools I applied to I ended getting into my current medical program BUT it once again it wasn’t a complete acceptance. I was granted conditional acceptance into the school of medicine, the condition being I had to pass a strenuous hard sciences program with a 3.5 GPA (well above the GPA requirement actual first year medical students need to pass into the next term) AND I had to pass a comprehensive exam at the end of the program with at least a 75. This brought on so much anxiety because if I failed to meet this high standard I would not be allowed to continue and my medical journey would truly be over. Most of the students who get placed in this program don’t pass because it’s that hard. I had 6 different classes, the most credit hours I have ever taken at one time in my life, each with their own exams and class requirements. This was truly the test that would show how much I had grown because this was the most pressure I had ever faced. I was walking into a program thousands of miles away from my family and friends on a secluded island and being placed into a situation that could trigger every single one of my issues. Instead of quitting before I even started I decided I was going to do it, I was going to mass no matter what, I wasn’t gonna let anything stand in my way. I felt like this was what all my suffering had prepared me for, this was what all the delays was for. It was to get to a place where I felt strong enough to give this my all and perform as well as I knew I could. 

My time in the first program was hard. I missed my family, I never felt like I could take breaks, I cried so many times because there was so much doubt and pressure at times. I cried before my first round of exams in the program thinking I would do terribly and I ended up getting As on every exam except one. This helped my confidence tremendously and I finally started to believe deep down inside that I could do this. By the time my program had ended I had lost friends because grades made them withdraw or because of petty reasons and I had a relapse with anxiety that sent me to the department of psychological services once a week for 2 months. But through it all I made it though a program where 150 people started, only 90 made it to finals, and only 50 of those 90 passed (many on appeals) with All As and 1 B and an A on the comprehensive exam. 

I did that, I worked my ass off in a foreign place and I performed at a level that I didn’t think I was even capable of for a long time. I passed with flying colors, I passed with no doubt that I was capable, that I was strong enough to endure this process, that I could achieve every dream that felt our of reach for so long. 

This is the face of a person who worked so hard for so long, who battled so much and finally got to wear the coat that she felt so unworthy of for a long time. This is the face of someone who earned her place at the table that no one can ever take from her. 

and this is the face of the girl who based on undergraduate grades and probably every statistic out there shouldn’t have gotten into medical school but who just finished her first official term as a medical student with an A average and  in the top 10% of her class. This is the face of a person who is as happy as she’s ever been and as whole as she’s ever been. 

[tinylorando]

Translation of “Team Brian III”

-- from section 9 & 10 in chapter 4, talking about the conversation in Brian's first meet with Yuzu (at apartment lobby) after 2017 NHK, and how Yuzu made training plans for himself before being back to the ice (x)

Yuzuru appearing with being on the crutches

How serious Yuzuru's injury was, no one knew the truth. After being injured in NHK Cup, Yuzuru went to the hospital in Japan to do MRI, but then he immediately returned to Toronto. The entire treatment was received in Toronto.

After realizing the injury was quite serious, the first thing Yuzuru did was changing his plan. "Recover first", "listen to doctors' advice and patiently receive treatment". He put these two things in the first place of priority, temporarily removing the stuff like training and competition from his mind.

Yuzuru reanalyzed current condition, thinking about what he could do to control the situation at hand. In other words, instead of "the problem occurred, and what should I do", it was an image like "I meet some difficulties that need to overcome, and I face some challenges that need to exert my abilities". I'm the same about this point. When dealing with something, I’d like to use the word "challenge" rather than "problem" because it makes you feel positive and be able to do one thing in a bullish mood.

Normally, I always say to everyone, "Team Brian's friends don't have PROBLEM". What we have is CHALLENGE. Yuzuru's challenge is recovery, paying all effort to cure his feet. Because he understood this subject, rather than remaining in Japan and taking a rest, he returned to Toronto first, thinking of doing as much as possible for the Olympics.

According to Yuzuru's report, the situation was "It will take about six weeks to return to practice. Only the ankle is partially injured, and there is no problem with the knee. To not increase further burden on my feet, now I'm using a STICK while walking". For this reason, first I decided to discuss the schedule with Yuzuru again, so I visited the apartment where he lived. In my office, there were lots of mail items sent from Yuzuru's fans. The fans who worried about his injuries sent many letters and gifts to him. The floor of my office was full of them, so I visited him as a way to give him these items.

When I was waiting for him at apartment's lobby, Yuzuru appeared by turning from the corner of the elevator. I was extremely shocked at that time. I never thought what he used was CRUTCH. Because what he wrote in the e-mail was "stick", so I thought it was only a degree of needing some necessary support. At that time, Yuzuru's ankle was fixed, and he could not walk on his own strength, so he came with being on the crutches.

Seeing his appearance, I couldn't help saying "OMG, what's going on! Isn't it a serious injury?" Yuzuru sat in the chair in the lobby and looked calmer than I expected, then talking about the next thing. He talked about how bad his ankle condition is, until what time he was not able to practice on the ice. He also said he would try his best to do some preparation like image training and muscle exercise.

However, I noticed this Yuzuru wasn't same as the Yuzuru who had always been strong. It seemed like he was being afraid of something or felt uneasy. Carrying the mission of winning at the Olympics, at the same time he had to change all his plans due to the injury. Even for people like Yuzuru, it was commonplace to become more sensitive/neurotic than usual.

Therefore, I said the following to him.

"You practiced a lot this summer and did open practice on media day in August. At that time, Yuzuru was already prepared for the Olympics, wasn't it? You had been accumulating practices from July to early August, and you were ready by only using six weeks, right? Because you completed your preparation so early, we were all a little worried about it. In other words, with only six weeks, Yuzuru can complete all the preparations. Performing with music and accomplishing all quads, you just need six weeks to reach this state.”

Actually, during the open practice in August, I saw the situation and took some notes in my mind. "It's quite early to reach this condition. Yuzuru is able to arouse the state to this level in just six weeks. Conversely, because of the ability to reach the peak in only six weeks, if you did high-intensity practice for two months before the Olympics, there would be a possibility of missing your peak state in official competitions. Therefore, facing the Olympics, starting the final adjustment in January will be enough."

Hence, I continued saying to Yuzuru.

"Participate in the show during spring, take a break, then rework programs, and move forward at full speed in the next six weeks. It was your original plan, right? In that open practice (media day), your performance was terrific. So, it's still in November now, and there're three months away from the Olympics. Even if step on the ice in January, there're still six weeks left. Judging from Yuzuru's physical condition, after returning to the rink and training on the ice, it will take about five to six weeks or perhaps five weeks at most to complete the preparation. So you will be in time for the Olympics.”

Yuzuru listened to me quietly. It seemed the word "six weeks" was engraved on his mind. So I continued.

"It's really nice you have done lots of hard training this summer because those practices are all deposited in the bank now. You have already completed all necessary training and immediately packaged and deposited them into the bank.”

At that time, I felt Yuzuru seemed to smile a little. So I asked Yuzuru again, "What is your goal?" Then he responded immediately, "Win at the Olympics". I said: "Got it. If it's your dream, the possibility of achieving it is very high." I added: "I don't know if you will break the record, and I don't know if it will become the highest score in the world, but you can win."

Yuzuru looked at me with serious eyes. I also seriously looked at him and said those words.

"So let's focus only on winning and find out what we have to do in order to win. If so, we may not need 4Lutz. No, there will be no 4Lutz. Depending on the recovery of your feet, perhaps you are able to jump it, but you can win even if no 4Lutz included. You have skating technique accumulated over the past six years, as well as outstanding jumps and choreography. So you can win. Don't need 4Lutz if your pride permitted. In this way, you can aim at your goal."

Then Yuzuru said, "I successfully jumped once." So I said, "Aw, indeed you made it once. You have succeeded. OK. Checkmark. Let's delete 4Lutz from your To Do List!"

Yuzuru looked relatively relieved a lot. I'm not sure whether this feeling came from the confidence of "Perhaps I can win", or the sense of relief from “It's still possible to win”. I guess his actual mood should be very complicated, but I told him the two keywords "six weeks to be in time" and "No 4Lutz". That was all I could do at that time, or it was enough for me to do these two things.

Visualize images of jumps and spins in mind

Two weeks after the conversation, I visited Yuzuru's apartment with Tracy. To our surprise, Yuzuru has already begun to do as much as possible toward the Olympic Games. He also became back to that confident and motivated Yuzuru as usual.

In Yuzuru's words, it was "visualization". In other words, he did a lot of practice like doing image training while watching the videos. Watch past videos many times and put those images in the body. Yuzuru has done lots of this training for a long time, and it was a very effective practice that in order not to forget the feeling of jumps. While receiving treatment, he also developed some land training plans for the part outside the injury and completed them.

One thing I must tell everyone here is that the treatment, rehabilitation, and strategic plans for the Olympics were all made by Yuzuru himself rather than us. Yuzuru developed these plans independently based on the advice of doctors and physiotherapists. He was able to overcome the difficulties and walked through that extremely hard road to the Olympics. It was not our credit. After the injury, Yuzuru tried his best to set foot on the Olympics stage. He independently made various plans and actually implemented them. By constant conversations with himself, Yuzuru became stronger both mentally and physically.

Looking at Yuzuru being strong again, we also became optimistic and discussed plans for the Olympics. Yuzuru said that no matter how fast, the day of returning to practice on the ice should be in December. Until then, he would not appear in the cricket club and wanted to concentrate on the care and training that was decided by himself. Because the treatment had been left to doctors and physiotherapists, certainly I said "OK" for Yuzuru's plan.

When asked about the injury degree, he said it was all concentrated on the right ankle area. It was the salvation that at least there was no pain in his knee. If knees were injured, he could not make it in time for the Olympics.

November and December passed without Yuzuru appearing in the club. However, he kept in touch with me during that period. What's the condition of the foot injury, what kind of training is he doing, and what did doctors say. Without the time for his favorite games, without having a leisure time for daze and relaxing, he truly did the 24-hour image training. From bystander's view, it seemed he was only standing or sitting there, but Yuzuru was constantly visualizing images of jumps and spins in his mind. He had been doing image training to make his body not forget those feelings.

Yuzuru spent the two months in a very intelligent way. I felt very reliable to see his growing and becoming a mature young man. Every time I opened the email sent from Yuzuru, I felt like seeing the light of hope for the Olympics.

[atheistforhumanity]

My Summary of The Mueller Report (part 1)

Introduction

After digging through the entire Mueller Report, I found myself facing surprises that exceeded my preconceptions and some that contradicted my preconceptions. I can say definitively that reading the Report has solidified the belief that Trump’s campaign acted unethically and against the interests of the United States, but I can see why there have not been indictments drawn.

I’ve decided to break this review up into three pieces. Part 1 will focus on the question of collusion with Russia, part 2 will focus on obstruction of justice, and part 3 will be an analysis of why no charges have been filed.

Collusion

Before talk about what happened during the election, we need to acknowledge that before Trump even announced his candidacy he was attempting to expand his business into Moscow, with a Trump Tower and other business ventures. This gives Trump believable motive to cozy up to Russia and have a vested interest in improving relations with them, as he has openly talked about since he began running. Not only did Trump have an interest in Russia, but people in Russia already had an interest in Trump. Before the Campaign, a real estate agent emailed Cohen and wrote of an alliance between Trump and Putin for political purposes.

It’s not clear how connected this person actually was or how influential this was in sparking Russia’s interest in Trump politically, but it sets an ominous background against the shady actions in 2016.

Also, back in 2015, another man named Klokov offered to Cohen to set up an in person meeting with Putin. Cohen turned down this meeting because he believed Sater’s connections with the Russian govt. were good enough.

Now we need to talk about the word collusion and define what we are talking about. The colloquial term is used to describe any type of cooperation between two parties. Many Trump supporters have been retorting that collusion is not a crime. That’s technically true, the crime is called Conspiracy Against The United States. These words, collusion and coordination, are extremely important to the questions we are asking, and the Report states that neither of them “have a settled definition in federal criminal law” (Mueller Report, V 1 p. 10). The report stresses the importance of agreement to solidify conviction, meaning that the Office had to prove that both parties literally said, “yes, let’s work together for a common purpose.” This is the most frustrating part of reading the report, because it clearly sets a high bar for the standard of guilt, and the Trump campaign is bumping that bar, but never passing it. The Report does recognize that both parties saw the advantage they would gain from each other and acted accordingly to benefit from the other, although this was without any formal agreement.

What I’m going to show you from this point on is a series of actions that were deliberately taken by the Trump campaign to both improve relations for an officially unspecified reason, which is likely Trump’s desire to expand his business, and to benefit from the illegal actions by Russia against the U.S..

George Papadopoulos

Evidence of Russia’s hacking become noticeable around mid-2016. At that same time… 

Papadopoulos was not a coffee boy. He was hired by the Campaign as an energy consultant and frequently traveled over seas for the Campaign. While in England, a Russian operative named Joseph Mifsud took a special interest in Papadopoulos purely because of his position in the Trump Campaign. As you’ll see, Russia tried to make contact with Trump through multiple back door efforts. Mifsud told Papadopoulos about the stolen emails long before the information was public. Papadopoulos babbled to an Australian diplomat, who called the FBI. That is how the FBI turned the their attention to the Trump campaign, and it was a damn good reason. In Papadopoulos’ confession, he swears that he never old anyone about the stolen emails, and officials in the campaign stated “with varying degrees of certainty” that he never told them (Mueller Report V1 p. 101). I don’t believe that for one second. I think it’s reasonable to assume Papadopoulos would run back to the Campaign with this juicy information to score major kudos.  Papadopoulos did say he attempted to barter a meeting between Trump and Russian government officials through Mifsud, but that meeting never ended up happening. This is not the only time a middle man was used to try set up a meeting with Trump that failed. Incompetence may be a significant reason that he’s not being charged.

This is incident one where we have the two parties discussing working together, but failing to show that an official agreement for the Trump Campaign to work in coordination with Russian hacking was made. This is the very thin line between unethical but legal, and conspiracy.

Carter Page

The first thing you need to know about Carter Page is that he acknowledges in his confession that he knew he was dealing Russian Intelligence Agents (Report, V1. p. 105). Equally important is that Page had lived and worked in Russia for a number of years, and he volunteered to work on the Trump campaign with the express goal of helping Trump improve relations with Russia. He literally got the job by emailing his thoughts about Russia-US relations and suggesting that Trump should meet with Putin. Remember, several other agents are trying to connect Putin to Trump through different channels at the same time. Naturally, Trump made Page his official expert on Russia. Seriously, that was his main function.

Page was invited to speak at the New Economic School in Moscow in 2016. The NES revealed to investigators that they only invited Page because of his connection to Trump. Once there, Page made contact with several old associates and key members of Russian Intelligence that also pop up in other Trump Campaign contacts.

So here we have Trump’s Russia expert in Moscow and admitting he knew he was talking with Russian Intelligence, and his time, conversations, and actions during that trip are largely unknown and unexplained. We do know, however, from Page’s emails that he was feeling out Russian support for Trump.

This alone is not illegal, but what is concerning is that an official agreement to coordinate efforts could have been made between the Russian government and the Trump campaign during this time and we wouldn’t have the solid proof. So again, we come just short of crossing the line of conspiracy. It’s worth noting that the FBI did investigate Page for potentially discussing sanctions with Russia while Trump was still a candidate, which would have been a violation of the Logan act. Unfortunately, that investigation was stonewalled due to lack of sources to uncover his actions in Russia.

CNI and The Mayflower Hotel

The Center for The National Interest is non-profit think tank with clear ties to the Russian government. The president of CNI is a Russian man named Dimitri Simes. Simes and the CNI were in close contact with several members of the Trump campaign, including Sessions who used to serve on the board of CNI. In late April, CNI hosted an event at the Mayflower Hotel that served to personally connect Trump with Ambassador Kislyak, who is known to do Intelligence work for Russia. Nothing explicitly illegal happened at this event, but it was another example of Russian agents making connections with the campaign and an opportunity to discuss coordination with Russia. Everyone involved claims that no such discussion took place. However, these are the same people who were caught multiple times lying about ever having met with any Russians at all ever.

Trump Tower Meeting

Everyone is very familiar with the Trump Tower meeting. What is important about this meeting is that it is the clearest example of an agreement to work together for a common goal, which is what needs to be demonstrated for a conspiracy conviction. We know that Trump Jr. gets an email offering illicit information on Hillary Clinton from the Russian Government, and he eagerly accepts. Even though Trump said he did not know about the meeting, Goldstone clearly states that he would share this information with Trump as well.

At the meeting Russian attorney Veselnitskaya claimed to have information about dirty financial activity by the Clintons. The only reason that Trump Jr. did not take this information and make use of it is because Veselnitskaya was unable to provide any proof of her claims. Trump Jr. even exclaimed, “what the hell are we doing here?” They then moved into talk about the Magnitsky Act. That is not innocent talk about adoptions. It’s talk about a very serious law that restricts Russian business activity outside of Russia. This is not the first time talk of “repairing” relations has come up with Trump Campaign members. It’s very clear that Veselnitskaya intended to offer dirt on Hillary in exchange for action on the Magnitsky Act. To be clear, Trump Jr. never refused to help with the Magnitsky Act, in fact he told them the meeting had been a waste because had no lawyers present. This implies that they may have discussed action if they had been aided by legal counsel.

While Trump Jr. may not have taken that information, he and other members went to that meeting with Trump’s knowledge with full intention of cooperating with the Russian government, and benefiting from the cyber attack against our nation. Remember that from both Papadopoulos and Page, the team very likely knew this information came from the stolen emails. I’ll talk about the legality of this meeting in part 3.

Republican National Convention

This is an event that I don’t think receives enough attention. In July of 2016, after Trump has won the candidacy for the Republican party, there was a convention to discuss and vote on the 2016 platform Republicans would run on. During this convention, a provision involving protection for the state of Ukraine and other language involving Russia was weakened. Specifically, U.S. action to protect Ukraine from further invasion was changed from responding with “deadly” force to “appropriate” force. That may seem like a small deal, but it’s a significant change. What it does is make the wording vague enough so that the Republican leader can determine what response should be made, and that response can obviously be virtually nothing.

This is happening literally at the same time that Cohen is still pushing for a Trump Tower in Moscow, along with other business expansion. This is also, after Papadopoulos and Page have made contact with Russian operatives, and after the Trump Tower meeting.

That’s important to consider because on the surface there is nothing illegal or improper with altering your platform, they have the freedom to run on any policies they want. However, if you could prove that policy changes were being made to help a foreign enemy that just attacked the United States out of an agreement to work with that hostile power, then you’re talking about conspiracy. Members at the RNC involved with the committee that made those changes made official statements to the Office that they were under the impression the changes were made at Trump’s request. A campaign member told a Republican committee member that he was on the phone with Trump as he told her to make the changes. The campaign worker later denied saying this.

Paul Manafort

I’m not going to spend a lot of time on him, because I think everyone is familiar with Manafort’s deep connections to Russia. What is important to know in the context of collusion is that during the campaign, during the hacking and manipulations efforts by Russia, throughout the time meetings took place between campaign officials and Russian agents, Paul Manafort had instructed Rick Gates provide a man named Konstantin Kilimnik, a former Manafort employee in Ukraine with ties to Russian intelligence, polling data that the campaign collected, as well as other updates on the campaign.

The polling data is very significant because the Office could never determine exactly what Manafort’s motivation was or what it was ever used for. Theoretically this could aide in hacking efforts, or simply in misinformation efforts across social media. It could be still be used for future purposes. It’s worth noting that Manafort’s lawyer tried to have this information redacted. Also, Manafort met in person with Konstantin Kilimnik,twice during the campaign, and their discussions are unknown for two reasons. The Office was unable to access all of Manafort’s electronic communications and Manafort refuses to talk, unlike some of his colleagues. Once again, we have direct interaction and coordination between the Trump Campaign and Russian intelligence for unknown purposes with no legitimate alibi. 

Lastly, I want you to know that months after the election, after Russia clearly helped Trump get elected, Konstantin Kilimnik emailed Manafort to discuss ways that Trump could help Russia. (There’s more to this, but that’s the short version)

Campaign Efforts To Obtain Clinton Emails

Before Russia blatantly offered to provide information they claimed was from Hillary’s emails, Trump was determined to get his hands on them. The Report clearly states that Trump directed his staff to obtain Hillary’s stolen emails. Flynn took charge of this task and contacted two people, Barbara Ledeen and Peter Smith. Ledeen had apparently been working on obtaining Clinton’s private emails all the way back in 2015, and knew that they had been hacked by Russia. I find this astonishingly suspicious, yet even the Mueller Report doesn’t explain how she could have known this.

Smith is an even more suspicious character. In 2016, after Trump announced publicly he wanted Russia to release Clinton’s emails, Smith began an interesting journey to obtain them in coordination with the Trump campaign. It was confirmed that Smith was in contact with a couple high level staffers such as Flynn, though they didn’t necessarily control him. Smith oddly boasted many times that he was in touch with the hackers that committed the attack on our systems. After a series of bartering and back door deals, Smith came up empty handed. His connections were never verified, but he represents a high profile effort by the Trump Campaign to obtain stolen materials on an attack against the United States for his benefit.   

Conclusion

Obviously this is not all the details pertaining to collusion, that section is half of the entire report. However, these highlights make some significant points. First is that Trump always had motivation to ignore wrongs committed by Russia for his personal benefit. The second is that Russia made several attempts to, in many cases successful, to befriend the Trump campaign and work together in some fashion. Third is that Trump and members of his campaign showed no aversion to working with Russia when they privately and publicly knew Russia was launching a cyber-assault on our country, and were eager to benefit from such actions.

I argue that the willingness to coordinate is quite obvious and that Trump and his staff acted in complete disregard of any ethical or legal standards. The “smoking gun” that would be needed to prove agreement on the cyber-assault itself and reciprocity could very well lie in one of many connections between campaign staff and Russian intelligence agents, which cannot be explained or justified.

As I stated in the beginning, it is clear to me that Trump, even without proving formal agreement, acted in a mirror fashion with the Russian government for both of their benefit at the expense of the American people. I can see why Mueller could not point to the extremely narrow standard of evidence needed to make a conviction of conspiracy, it in no way excuses the actions by Trump and his staff.

[sandrachile]

A Zero Waste Wedding in Pittsburgh

If you have been on Facebook lately, you have probably seen videos of turtles tangled in plastic, birds whose stomachs are full of plastic, and reports about Global Warming.

Whether your political inclinations deny or are against global warming, the truth is, our planet is polluted, and right now, you are either part of the solution or part of the problem, there is no middle ground.

But the problem is that when it comes to bringing environmentalist values to wedding planning, if you are not in California, or don’t have a 6 digit budget, it becomes a little hard, and you might end up giving up for the sake of the circumstances.

So I want to show you, where you should be focusing your energy and resources, but first, let me introduce you to the “Buyerarchy of needs” which will be inspiring our whole journey, and I hope you look at this, read it, meditate on it, and then apply it.

1: Focus on the things that don’t cost you anything, pick a vibe, a feeling as the guidance for your wedding day. 

If you look around for wedding day inspiration, everything is based on color palettes, flowers, or decor. However, since we are trying to be intentional and not use as many material things during the wedding day, it is better to base your inspiration on intangible things rather than material things, instead choose to get inspired by feelings, or the vibe you want your wedding to have. For example, the vibe for the image below was: contemporary, artsy, and fresh.

2: Focus on finding the core vendors for your wedding

(Yes, before setting up a date or even the location). Once you pick the vibe, you will need to gather the elements that will bring your vision together. But Unless you are working with the proper people, translating a concept to reality within a budget, can be hard. So, before even selecting the date for your event or the location, we highly encourage you to select the group of humans that will bring this to life. The core vendors are: Wedding Planner Venue Caterer Officiant Photographer Since the “ethical” journey begins before the wedding day itself, when reaching out to vendors, ask them upfront about what environmental practices they have in place. 

Asking this up front will set the tone for the rest of the planning process, and if this is something that is not present in their practices, your question will surely push them in the right direction.

3: Where and When?:

Choose the date and the venue.

Whether you decide to marry at home, or in a big space, there are some things that you need to take into consideration, such as accessibility for your guest, location of your party hub, weather, and of course, environmental practices. 

If you go for the most popular choice, a venue, ask them and yourself the following questions:

Does your venue send all the garbage to a landfill, or does it have any recycling practices in place? Do they offer furniture, or do you have to rent these items separately? Does the venue have decorative elements, or is it a plain room that needs a lot of stuff to look good? Does it offer in house booze/catering, or can you bring your own?

So many questions, right?

From the low waste perspective, it is a priority to choose a space that offers dishes, cups, and straws that are not plastic. 

(I doubt you want a turtle in the Caribbean to swim among the straws from your wedding day, right? … #justsayin)

4: Let’s tell the world: The stationery (Oh poop! When things get real)

Although an online invitation is often times more eco-friendly, in practice, not everybody is a fan of receiving an email, and being inclusive of older generations who are less e-literate, is a good way to honor them. So when it comes to papers, what alternatives are low waste?

The invitation is the first thing your guests see, it sets the mood for the day, it tells your guests whether joining is going to be worth it, and it announces what kind of party this is going to be. Once the invitations are sent, things get real, and telling your guest that this is an environmentally friendly kinda day deserves to be announced in an environmentally conscious way. Here is where the value of a designer that can custom work for you is a thousand times better than printing some DIY, but make sure the designer is open to working with eco-friendly papers. 

Have you heard about paper made out of elephant poop?

When it comes to being low waste, there is nothing better than options that ethically made, creative, and contribute to giving opportunities to economically and socially marginalized groups. So do your research in regards to papers, and if you are feeling like DIYing, you can DIY the envelopes from the newspapers at your grandma’s house.

PS: Oh! And forget about RSVPs! Nowadays everybody texts, so you can use an automated text message RSVP service which is the easiest way to gather replies from your guests, and automatically organizes and counts for you. SCORE!

(If you never saw paper made of poop, now you did | Stationary by the kick ass: Fresh Cut Prints )

5. Creating a wedding atmosphere: Decorations

One of the things about low waste, is that sometimes it might be a little on the plain side, so for a wedding, which we want to look special, we really have to put thought into what we bring in. 

Using what we have, or what you can realistically keep afterward is key. So, first, my biggest and probably most overlooked decoration element that is also functional is: LIGHTS!!! I’m not talking about regular light bulbs, but lighting can make an amazing decoration, which afterward leaves zero trace.

Another suggestion is to use real plants as a decorative item. Not only they will give you a decoration the day of your wedding, but will decorate your house for the years to come, and imagine having the same plants that witnessed you saying “I do”, witnessing your anniversary year after year!

"Did you know that glass can be recycled forever and ever?"  -- FUN FACT

Another element that is overlooked but it is quite easy to make, and to compost afterward is dry flowers. You can actually invest time in planting your own and meticulously dry. Finally, for any other need, hit your local thrift store! You would be surprised to see the amounts of linen available there.

Oh! And also… keep an eye on the dumpster! Someone else’s garbage always has the potential to be your treasure.

5. Time to get pretty

An element of your wedding that takes a lot of mental energy, a big chunk of your money, and it makes a massive statement in regards to the environment is fashion. And if you want to make a statement, the options for your outfit are: Ethically sourced. Wear your own. Make your own outfit. Or Vintage. This groom decided to wear his own clothes, and the bride opted for the vintage.

The statement piece for the bride was her earrings, which were upcycled. Altogether their outfits were around $30, which allowed more $$ to be allocated for other services.

As you can see, going this route is a great way to maximize your budget, but if you feel uncomfortable with the idea of wearing a vintage style of clothing, you can always purchase vintage garments and budget for the services of a seamstress that can transform your vintage piece and gives it a modern twist.

6. Beauty

I have to be the first in recognizing that zero/low waste and the beauty industry are not the best of friends. Beauty is perhaps one of the most forgotten subjects when it comes to thinking low waste wedding, maybe, because it is not you using that bottle of shampoo that will end up in a landfill, you don’t think much about it. Nowadays there are many makeup products companies using cruelty-free and vegan options (yay). But I learned from Becky, owner of the hair salon that does my hair, Tula Organics, that certain brands go to the extent of manufacturing products with 100% wind power, and they purchase carbon offset credits to balance any climate impact of their aerosol hairsprays.

She also told me about Dragon Master Foundation, a charity organization fighting to find a cure for cancer, and to whom you can send personal care and beauty containers to be recycled. This is an amazing initiative, to make the world greener and fight cancer at the same time.!

In summary:

A low impact, environmentally wedding is not unrealistic. Even if you don’t live in California, it is totally possible right here in Pittsburgh, and even with a small budget. All you might need, is to think through and plan with time, along with a good group of ethically minded wedding vendors.

Supporting Cast: Planner & Aesthetic designer: Devoted To You Events @devotedtoyouevents Florals: greenSinner @greensinner HMUA: Tula Organic @tulaorganic Venue: Kingfly Spirits @kingflyspirits Lightning: EF Lighting @eflighting Plants + Greenery: City Grows @citygrows Photographer: Sandrachile @sandrachilep Invitation Fresh Cut Prints @freshcutprints Paper Mr Ellie Pooh @mr.elliepooh Cake: Mediterra Cake House @mediterracakehouse Jewelry/Accessories Adaptive Reuse @christineterrell Calligrapher- Scarlet Day Calligraphy @scarletdaycalligraphy

[lesstestingmorelearning]

Story #27. Teacher: ‘Shut this toxic testing regime down!’

Have you ever felt you must speak up, speak out, and speak for, those who have no voice and have been forced into a complicit silence? Have you ever felt that by using your voice to advocate for others, it would create self-harm? Have you ever concluded that, regardless of the consequences, a knowing silence was too unbearable when you look at your reflection in the mirror?

If so, you will understand why I have no choice but to speak up for the students and their families in my community that I cherish so deeply, to speak out against the harm an educational system that I value as the foundation of a democratic society is causing, and to speak for the students and their  families.

School officials in my district are demanding that students MUST participate in MCAS. Students and their families are being told that they cannot refuse to participate in a high-stakes testing system that is rooted in racism, that is using test scores to privatize public education and that uses test scores to weaponize our communities around white-privilege and socio-economic injustice.

I find myself, once again, in an MCAS quagmire, a yearly struggle between the obligations of a contract and my moral obligations to protect those I serve.

Just last week, I was highlighted in the  school’s weekly  communications to parents for the engaging videos  that my fifth graders created to study for the Science MCAS. Concurrently, I risked my job security by refusing to sign into Test Navigator when a  student in my homeroom was told that participation in MCAS was mandatory, in opposition to an explicit  opt-out letter by a parent.

This struggle between the teacher I am meant to be and the educator who is forced to comply or be fired has been a recurring theme every Spring. With each testing season, the grit and rigor around the testing regime increases, schedules at my elementary school are uprooted for more than two months, and every April, I encounter a child who is traumatized by anxiety from the six days of high-stakes testing.

In the past ten years I have spoken up for the democratic right of parents to refuse the test. I have spoken out against special education professionals being reallocated to proctor a test instead of providing direct services for students on IEPs, and I have spoken for those who were silent as they cut themselves, overmedicated themselves,  or tried to escaped the testing room because they were  so distraught and overwhelmed by the demands of the test.

Just last year during the testing season, I refused to sign an indemnity agreement with Pearson, a billion-dollar testing company. This agreement forced my silence and loyalty to a third-party, for-profit, global testing company over my contractual responsibilities to safeguard my students.  I was informed that if I didn’t sign this agreement with Pearson, I would be terminated. I signed the agreement under duress, and filed an unfair labor charge. Last fall, the Massachusetts Department of Labor Board heard the case, and the Department of Elementary and Secondary Education agreed to withdraw this agreement.

I pushed through the fear of job security and I spoke up, out, and for the students that I love. I spoke up, out, and for the educators who cannot afford to lose their jobs and who are being victimized and bullied by a punitive evaluation system that has silenced them into submission and compliance. I spoke up, out, and for those who cannot give voice to their testing truths.

This year, I am speaking up for the family of a student who received this email communication from their building principal last week:

Dear Ms. (name withheld)

Unfortunately, there continues to be misinformation about MCAS participation.  The DESE does not have an opt-out provision.  Every student is required to participate in MCAS. ____ will be presented with an exam in the same manner as all other students and the expectation will be that she participates to the best of her ability.

Thank you,

(Building Principal’s name)

I am speaking out for a student and family who feels intimidated, bullied, and shamed for choosing not to participate in a test that they believe is racist, that they believe causes emotional harm, and that they know produces severe anxiety for the test-taker. I am speaking for the students in my community who have every right to opt out of a test with the same privilege and regard that families in communities of affluence, like Hingham and Brookline, are afforded.

I am speaking out, up, and for an immediate call to action that demands that students and their families be regarded as more than a score. I am speaking out, up and for the democratic right and academic freedom to refuse an authoritative demand to ‘participate to the best of one’s ability’ in a test rooted in racism, and that has created a two-tiered system of economic privilege.

I am speaking out, up, and for the schools ALL students deserve that I hope others join me in a collective scream to…’Shut this toxic testing regime down, it is harming students and their families!’ – Deb McCarthy, Teacher, Hull

[leviathangourmet]

In the highly controversial area of human intelligence, the ‘Greater Male Variability Hypothesis’ (GMVH) asserts that there are more idiots and more geniuses among men than among women. Darwin’s research on evolution in the nineteenth century found that, although there are many exceptions for specific traits and species, there is generally more variability in males than in females of the same species throughout the animal kingdom.

Evidence for this hypothesis is fairly robust and has been reported in species ranging from adders and sockeye salmon to wasps and orangutans, as well as humans. Multiple studies have found that boys and men are over-represented at both the high and low ends of the distributions in categories ranging from birth weight and brain structures and 60-meter dash times to reading and mathematics test scores. There are significantly more men than women, for example, among Nobel laureates, music composers, and chess champions—and also among homeless people, suicide victims, and federal prison inmates.

Darwin had also raised the question of why males in many species might have evolved to be more variable than females, and when I learned that the answer to his question remained elusive, I set out to look for a scientific explanation. My aim was not to prove or disprove that the hypothesis applies to human intelligence or to any other specific traits or species, but simply to discover a logical reason that could help explain how gender differences in variability might naturally arise in the same species.

I came up with a simple intuitive mathematical argument based on biological and evolutionary principles and enlisted Sergei Tabachnikov, a Professor of Mathematics at Pennsylvania State University, to help me flesh out the model. When I posted a preprint on the open-access mathematics archives in May of last year, a variability researcher at Durham University in the UK got in touch by email. He described our joint paper as “an excellent summary of the research to date in this field,” adding that “it certainly underpins my earlier work on impulsivity, aggression and general evolutionary theory and it is nice to see an actual theoretical model that can be drawn upon in discussion (which I think the literature, particularly in education, has lacked to date). I think this is a welcome addition to the field.”

So far, so good.

Once we had written up our findings, Sergei and I decided to try for publication in the Mathematical Intelligencer, the ‘Viewpoint’ section of which specifically welcomes articles on contentious topics. The Intelligencer’s editor-in-chief is Marjorie Wikler Senechal, Professor Emerita of Mathematics and the History of Science at Smith College. She liked our draft, and declared herself to be untroubled by the prospect of controversy. “In principle,” she told Sergei in an email, “I am happy to stir up controversy and few topics generate more than this one. After the Middlebury fracas, in which none of the protestors had read the book they were protesting, we could make a real contribution here by insisting that all views be heard, and providing links to them.”

Professor Senechal suggested that we might enliven our paper by mentioning Harvard President Larry Summers, who was swiftly defenestrated in 2005 for saying that the GMVH might be a contributing factor to the dearth of women in physics and mathematics departments at top universities. With her editorial guidance, our paper underwent several further revisions until, on April 3, 2017, our manuscript was officially accepted for publication. The paper was typeset in India, and proofread by an assistant editor who is also a mathematics professor in Kansas. It was scheduled to appear in the international journal’s first issue of 2018, with an acknowledgement of funding support to my co-author from the National Science Foundation. All normal academic procedure.

Coincidentally, at about the same time, anxiety about gender-parity erupted in Silicon Valley. The same anti-variability argument used to justify the sacking of President Summers resurfaced when Google engineer James Damore suggested that several innate biological factors, including gender differences in variability, might help explain gender disparities in Silicon Valley hi-tech jobs. For sending out an internal memo to that effect, he too was summarily fired.

No sooner had Sergei posted a preprint of our accepted article on his website than we began to encounter problems. On August 16, a representative of the Women In Mathematics (WIM) chapter in his department at Penn State contacted him to warn that the paper might be damaging to the aspirations of impressionable young women. “As a matter of principle,” she wrote, “I support people discussing controversial matters openly … At the same time, I think it’s good to be aware of the effects.” While she was obviously able to debate the merits of our paper, she worried that other, presumably less sophisticated, readers “will just see someone wielding the authority of mathematics to support a very controversial, and potentially sexist, set of ideas…”

A few days later, she again contacted Sergei on behalf of WIM and invited him to attend a lunch that had been organized for a “frank and open discussion” about our paper. He would be allowed 15 minutes to describe and explain our results, and this short presentation would be followed by readings of prepared statements by WIM members and then an open discussion. “We promise to be friendly,” she announced, “but you should know in advance that many (most?) of us have strong disagreements with what you did.”

On September 4, Sergei sent me a weary email. “The scandal at our department,” he wrote, “shows no signs of receding.” At a faculty meeting the week before, the Department Head had explained that sometimes values such as academic freedom and free speech come into conflict with other values to which Penn State was committed. A female colleague had then instructed Sergei that he needed to admit and fight bias, adding that the belief that “women have a lesser chance to succeed in mathematics at the very top end is bias.” Sergei said he had spent “endless hours” talking to people who explained that the paper was “bad and harmful” and tried to convince him to “withdraw my name to restore peace at the department and to avoid losing whatever political capital I may still have.” Ominously, “analogies with scientific racism were made by some; I am afraid, we are likely to hear more of it in the future.”

The following day, I wrote to the three organisers of the WIM lunch and offered to address any concrete concerns they might have with our logic or conclusions or any other content. I explained that, since I was the paper’s lead author, it was not fair that my colleague should be expected to take all the heat for our findings. I added that it would still be possible to revise our article before publication. I never received a response.

Instead, on September 8, Sergei and I were ambushed by two unexpected developments.

First, the National Science Foundation wrote to Sergei requesting that acknowledgment of NSF funding be removed from our paper with immediate effect. I was astonished. I had never before heard of the NSF requesting removal of acknowledgement of funding for any reason. On the contrary, they are usually delighted to have public recognition of their support for science.

The ostensible reason for this request was that our paper was unrelated to Sergei’s funded proposal. However, a Freedom of Information request subsequently revealed that Penn State WIM administrator Diane Henderson (“Professor and Chair of the Climate and Diversity Committee”) and Nate Brown (“Professor and Associate Head for Diversity and Equity”) had secretly co-signed a letter to the NSF that same morning. “Our concern,” they explained, “is that [this] paper appears to promote pseudoscientific ideas that are detrimental to the advancement of women in science, and at odds with the values of the NSF.” Unaware of this at the time, and eager to err on the side of compromise, Sergei and I agreed to remove the acknowledgement as requested. At least, we thought, the paper was still on track to be published.

But, that same day, the Mathematical Intelligencer’s editor-in-chief Marjorie Senechal notified us that, with “deep regret,” she was rescinding her previous acceptance of our paper. “Several colleagues,” she wrote, had warned her that publication would provoke “extremely strong reactions” and there existed a “very real possibility that the right-wing media may pick this up and hype it internationally.” For the second time in a single day I was left flabbergasted. Working mathematicians are usually thrilled if even five people in the world read our latest article. Now some progressive faction was worried that a fairly straightforward logical argument about male variability might encourage the conservative press to actually read and cite a science paper?

In my 40 years of publishing research papers I had never heard of the rejection of an already-accepted paper. And so I emailed Professor Senechal. She replied that she had received no criticisms on scientific grounds and that her decision to rescind was entirely about the reaction she feared our paper would elicit. By way of further explanation, Senechal even compared our paper to the Confederate statues that had recently been removed from the courthouse lawn in Lexington, Kentucky. In the interests of setting our arguments in a more responsible context, she proposed instead that Sergei and I participate in a ‘Round Table’ discussion of our hypothesis argument, the proceedings of which the Intelligencer would publish in lieu of our paper. Her decision, we learned, enjoyed the approval of Springer, one of the world’s leading publishers of scientific books and journals. An editorial director of Springer Mathematics later apologized to me twice, in person, but did nothing to reverse the decision or to support us at the time.

So what in the world had happened at the Intelligencer? Unbeknownst to us, Amie Wilkinson, a senior professor of mathematics at the University of Chicago, had become aware of our paper and written to the journal to complain. A back-and-forth had ensued. Wilkinson then enlisted the support of her father—a psychometrician and statistician—who wrote to the Intelligencer at his daughter’s request to express his own misgivings, including his belief that “[t]his article oversimplifies the issues to the point of embarrassment.” Invited by Professor Senechal to participate in the proposed Round Table discussion, he declined, admitting to Senechal that “others are more expert on this than he is.” We discovered all this after he gave Senechal permission to forward his letter, inadvertently revealing Wilkinson’s involvement in the process (an indiscretion his daughter would later—incorrectly—blame on the Intelligencer).

I wrote polite emails directly to both Wilkinson and her father, explaining that I planned to revise the paper for resubmission elsewhere and asking for their criticisms or suggestions. (I also sent a more strongly worded, point-by-point rebuttal to her father.) Neither replied. Instead, even long after the Intelligencer rescinded acceptance of the paper, Wilkinson continued to trash both the journal and its editor-in-chief on social media, inciting her Facebook friends with the erroneous allegation that an entirely different (and more contentious) article had been accepted.

At this point, faced with career-threatening reprisals from their own departmental colleagues and the diversity committee at Penn State, as well as displeasure from the NSF, Sergei and his colleague who had done computer simulations for us withdrew their names from the research. Fortunately for me, I am now retired and rather less easily intimidated—one of the benefits of being a Vietnam combat veteran and former U.S. Army Ranger, I guess. So, I continued to revise the paper, and finally posted it on the online mathematics archives.

On October 13, a lifeline appeared. Igor Rivin, an editor at the widely respected online research journal, the New York Journal of Mathematics, got in touch with me. He had learned about the article from my erstwhile co-author, read the archived version, and asked me if I’d like to submit a newly revised draft for publication. Rivin said that Mark Steinberger, the NYJM’s editor-in-chief, was also very positive and that they were confident the paper could be refereed fairly quickly. I duly submitted a new draft (this time as the sole author) and, after a very positive referee’s report and a handful of supervised revisions, Steinberger wrote to confirm publication on November 6, 2017. Relieved that the ordeal was finally over, I forwarded the link to interested colleagues.

Three days later, however, the paper had vanished. And a few days after that, a completely different paper by different authors appeared at exactly the same page of the same volume (NYJM Volume 23, p 1641+) where mine had once been. As it turned out, Amie Wilkinson is married to Benson Farb, a member of the NYJM editorial board. Upon discovering that the journal had published my paper, Professor Farb had written a furious email to Steinberger demanding that it be deleted at once. “Rivin,” he complained, “is well-known as a person with extremist views who likes to pick fights with people via inflammatory statements.” Farb’s “father-in law…a famous statistician,” he went on, had “already poked many holes in the ridiculous paper.” My paper was “politically charged” and “pseudoscience” and “a piece of crap” and, by encouraging the NYJM to accept it, Rivin had “violat[ed] a scientific duty for purely political ends.”

Unaware of any of this, I wrote to Steinberger on November 14, to find out what had happened. I pointed out that if the deletion were permanent, it would leave me in an impossible position. I would not be able to republish anywhere else because I would be unable to sign a copyright form declaring that it had not already been published elsewhere. Steinberger replied later that day. Half his board, he explained unhappily, had told him that unless he pulled the article, they would all resign and “harass the journal” he had founded 25 years earlier “until it died.” Faced with the loss of his own scientific legacy, he had capitulated. “A publication in a dead journal,” he offered, “wouldn’t help you.”

Colleagues I spoke to were appalled. None of them had ever heard of a paper in any field being disappeared after formal publication. Rejected prior to publication? Of course. Retracted? Yes, but only after an investigation, the results of which would then be made public by way of explanation. But simply disappeared? Never. If a formally refereed and published paper can later be erased from the scientific record and replaced by a completely different article, without any discussion with the author or any announcement in the journal, what will this mean for the future of electronic journals?

Meanwhile, Professor Wilkinson had now widened her existing social media campaign against the Intelligencer to include attacks on the NYJM and its editorial staff. As recently as April of this year, she was threatening Facebook friends with ‘unfriending’ unless they severed social media ties with Rivin.

In early February, a friend and colleague suggested that I write directly to University of Chicago President Robert Zimmer to complain about the conduct of Farb and Wilkinson, both of whom are University of Chicago professors. The previous October, the conservative New York Times columnist Bret Stephens had called Zimmer “America’s Best University President.” The week after I wrote to Zimmer, the Wall Street Journal would describe Chicago as “The Free-Speech University” based upon its president’s professed commitment to the principles of free inquiry and expression. Furthermore, Professor Zimmer is a mathematician from the same department and even the same subfield as Farb and Wilkinson, the husband-wife team who had successfully suppressed my variability hypothesis research and trampled on the principles of academic liberty. Surely I would receive a sympathetic hearing there?

And so I wrote directly to Professor Zimmer, mathematician to mathematician, detailing five concrete allegations against his two colleagues. When I eventually received a formal response in late April, it was a somewhat terse official letter from the vice-provost informing me that an inquiry had found no evidence of “academic fraud” and that, consequently, “the charges have been dismissed.” But I had made no allegation of academic fraud. I had alleged “unprofessional, uncollegial, and unethical conduct damaging to my professional reputation and to the reputation of the University of Chicago.”

When I appealed the decision to the president, I received a second official letter from the vice-provost, in which he argued that Farb and Wilkinson had “exercised their academic freedom in advocating against the publication of the papers” and that their behavior had not been either “unethical or unprofessional.” A reasonable inference is that I was the one interfering in their academic freedom and not vice versa. My quarrel, the vice-provost concluded, was with the editors-in-chief who had spiked my papers, decisions for which the University of Chicago bore no responsibility. At the Free Speech University, it turns out, talk is cheap.

Over the years there has undoubtedly been significant bias and discrimination against women in mathematics and technical fields. Unfortunately, some of that still persists, even though many of us have tried hard to help turn the tide. My own efforts have included tutoring and mentoring female undergraduates, graduating female PhD students, and supporting hiring directives from deans and departmental chairs to seek out and give special consideration to female candidates. I have been invited to serve on two National Science Foundation gender and race diversity panels in Washington.

Which is to say that I understand the importance of the causes that equal opportunity activists and progressive academics are ostensibly championing. But pursuit of greater fairness and equality cannot be allowed to interfere with dispassionate academic study. No matter how unwelcome the implications of a logical argument may be, it must be allowed to stand or fall on its merits not its desirability or political utility. First Harvard, then Google, and now the editors-in-chief of two esteemed scientific journals, the National Science Foundation, and the international publisher Springer have all surrendered to demands from the radical academic Left to suppress a controversial idea. Who will be the next, and for what perceived transgression? If bullying and censorship are now to be re-described as ‘advocacy’ and ‘academic freedom,’ as the Chicago administrators would have it, they will simply replace empiricism and rational discourse as the academic instruments of choice.

Educators must practice what we preach and lead by example. In this way, we can help to foster intellectual curiosity and the discovery of fresh reasoning so compelling that it causes even the most sceptical to change their minds. But this necessarily requires us to reject censorship and open ourselves to the civil discussion of sensitive topics such as gender differences, and the variability hypothesis in particular. In 2015, the University of Chicago’s Committee on Freedom of Expression summarized the importance of this principle beautifully in a report commissioned by none other than Professor Robert Zimmer:

In a word, the University’s fundamental commitment is to the principle that debate or deliberation may not be suppressed because the ideas put forth are thought by some or even by most members of the University community to be offensive, unwise, immoral, or wrong-headed.