#i really want to kill myself rn im so over the edge rn i just keep thinking of my mom and why i cant kill myself yet

[huntsman-ash]

RWBY V8E4 LiveThoughts

And were back at it again, this week with turkey and Italian preserved sausage as a snack! Lets see what RT has for us this week.

Oh, 20 minutes. Are they normally this long?

Oh, wait, the openings almost 2 minutes long. Thats more like it.

And now to Robyn and Qrow. Seems Robyns actually liking Qrow a little bit now. 

Guess the cells aren’t secured if a fly got into Schnee’s. This a “Fly on Mike Pence’s face” reference?

Qrow sounds more growly again. Did he get smacked back two seasons by Clover dying?

If by “darkness” you mean “Tyrian” then, yes. Also dude, its Clover. He was shit anyway. All the Aces are shit. Dont feel too bad about him.

And he’s got a point too. If Clover had thought with his head instead of his dick (yes, Im sure they were gonna fuck, Fair Games totally a thing), he probably wouldnt be dead now, and Tyrian would be the one with the sword through his chest.

But of course this is RWBY and V7/8 so things cant go their ways.

Ouch. Deep thoughts of Qrow. And some interesting stuff from Robyn too. I still think I’d prefer hopeandharmonizing’s Briar, though.

Marrows glare gives me life. Hare’s just a moron right now though, but thats no real surprise. She’s immature emotionally.  Honestly, shes...kind of like a less bad version of our current President. Always has to be the best at everything, fastest, leader, whatever.

Thats probably why this is grating on her so much. Even though shes TECHNICALLY the Ace’s leader now (I think? Seemed like she was Clovers lieutenant, so by rate of succession she’s in command now)

A glance at the little floating control pad... “Clerance access only”. Okay, that...seems weird. Shouldnt it say something like authorized personell only? Maybe it means access by clerance only or something.

Then Robyn’s name, and then process ID 4591-27. No idea what thats useful for but its there.

Also Marrow seems to be the only competent member of the Aces rn. 

Ah now we get to see some of the hills around Atlas. For those of you who have seen my headcanons on the Hunter-Killers and their base of operations, Fortress Academy, its out in these hills somewhere.

The music sounds like a boss fight.

The screen on Ren’s hoverbike reads “HVB Rhino” and “HD5800″ I can only assume HVB stands for “hoverbike” and Rhino must be its name, like how the dropships are Mantas. No clue what the number is. 

Also apparently the cold in Solitas is so bad it corrupts machinery?

Ahh, good, some action. Lets see what we get now. Ohh, teamwork. And again, signs that aura allows you to move faster and farther than a normal human

Heh, it really is like a boss fight, like the chase scene at the end of the first Viking level in For Honor.

Oh, and it can call for reenforcements literally out of nowhere? Or is the whole tundra of Solitas just CRAWLING with Grimm?

Yes, yes it did just call for backup, Yang. Maybe these are all forward scouts and ambush units from the Grimmstorm. They did say its the biggest...

Another banger from Casey Lee Williams...

What the hell happened in Solitas to cause this geography? Seriously, its a line of bridges over a gap in two cliffs...that cant be natrual, not that equal in distance.

Man, those bikes didnt even last half an episode...I guess thats fair, they are facing obsurd odds. Or maybe they just want Yang to be the only one with a bike.

And there goes the dropwall. Woops.

Also you can just kinda see it but they bounce off the rock and thats why they slow down. Useful.

Also this part with them falling off the edge reminds me of the ending cutscene of Halo 4s Forerunner level, where Chief flies out of a portal and almost goes sailing off a cliff in a Ghost.  Except here, the bike stays on the land and THEY go off the cliff.

I paused at just the right time cause YANGS FACE XD

Holy shit what are Ren’s weapons cables MADE OF? The one atop him is holding him AND the weight of his two teammates. And the one below has both Jaune and Yang. No sign of slippage or breackage at all. 

Ahhh there’s the whaleship (Monstra? Fuck it Im gonna keep calling it the whaleship). So yeah my headcanon now is the mountain its right next too is Menachite, where Fortress is. 

Oh hey back to the Schnee manor of all things! Does...this mean military invasion of the Schnee grounds. Hey Whitley. Lesbians are here. 

Someone make a video cut of Weiss banging on the door to the “Knock knock open up the door its real!” part of that one song.

Hehehehhe. Nice Weiss.

Also convenient about the house staff. Good thing RT doesnt need to animate them or Willow now...

I hope the staff took some of the silverware and some paintings on the way out.

Why is MAY the one carrying Nora.

Ah so now they’re stuck out there with no cell service. Hehe.

Ah okay so the cold in Solitas DOES eat aura. Good, my headcanon still kind of stands. 

I wonder, does wearing proper cold weather clothing (like bundled up stuff) help? Or does it cut right through...

Why is JAUNE the one hauling the bike? Isnt Yang the strongest? Or maybe they take turns.

Ahhh inter-team talking. Also, outpost. Hmm. Atlas one? Overrun if I had to guess. Unless he saw Fortress. Which I doubt.

I do love the circling shot here, with the light on Yang’s hair and the shadows on Ren. Its...really artistic and emotional. GREAT WORK RT. 

Rens got points. And hes saying stuff I myself have been saying for ages, which is good. I wonder why this is how Ren is now...working with the Ace Ops? Being afraid of loosing Nora? No one tell him what happened last episode.

Also, Jaune’s hair seems to have gotten less crazy in recent episodes. It looks less like a banana and more like a close tactical cut.

Yangs got a point.

Ahhh and now we get to see the inside of the whale. 

SALEM FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP SHOWING THE FUCK OFF. SERIOUSLY. WE GET IT. 

...this is gonna be a really criingy torture section, isnt it.

Someones gonna take that “hound didnt break you” line in the WRONG direction 

It is amusing the only thing holding Oscar down is the Hound actually. 

Ah so they’re still searching the remains of Beacon.

Also I like how Salem calls them “her forces” as if its anything but a random bunch of expendable monsters. Like, bruh, you cant search anything with THAT.

Ignoring the boring chat between these two, notice how the Hound’s shoulder literally flexes and shifts when Salem touched it. I dont think this thing is solid at all aside from the head and the bone claws...the whole thing is just amorphous Grimm material that can adapt to whatever situation it requires. A specialist unit. A...Hunter hunter.

Yo what the fuck was that. Magic? Huh. Did we actually SEE magic for once in the show? Only took us 8 FUCKING SEASONS...

Doesnt seem to be anything but an energy blast/pain never firing though. I assume his auras still gone, cause its completely singed his shirt, but it didnt do much else.

...Im not impressed.

She really needs to stop touching his face, its creeping me out.

HAHA SHE CANT DO IT HERSELF SHE HAS TO RELY ON HAZEL BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. I think we know where she stands now, doesnt she...say what you will about her letting Hazel have his vengeance (which is very valid, even he admits hit), but me? I think she A) cant actually beat up on Ozma herself because she still cares and B) shes almost out of magic too. Its weakened as the Gods have been gone and shes been forced to rely on the Grimm and on pawns. Basically, once she and Oz are both gone? That’s it for magic. Remnant will belong to the Grimm...and to technology. 

At which point without Oz around to hold them back Atlas is going to go fucking BONKERS and basically ensure the Grimm get pushed back into a corner and then finally permenantly STAMPED OUT.

More Whale insides. Seems like most of its empty grandious spaces. Or possibly muscle? Hard to tell. Either way theres a lot of open air in there...with tight corridors. If you fired a thermobaric warehead into one of the chambers the resulting blastc could possibly blow the doors off and send a raging fireball through the entire thing...Hmm. Filing that away for later.

NEO IS SO SHORT ITS FUNNY TO ME. I know its just positioning BUT SHE LOOKS EVEN SHORTER IN THIS SHOT THAN USUAL.

More note on the Hound; the “flesh” around its right shoulder spike actually sinks down when it stops moving. Its neck shifts and moves too, like the material isnt solid, but recirculating.

I also dont see any eyes. And it looks like it has some kind of...forehead mouth? Def looks like teeth down the ridge of its spine.

Oh boy yeah that...whole thing is basically melting in on itself.

I wont lie; hearing Cinder get berated by CORTANA (and yes, I still hear Cortana in Salem, espeically now that the two characters are kind of one and the same, both megalomaniacal leaders of giant armies, bar the fact that one of them is about a TRILLION times more dangerous than the other because one of them has access to Guardian Custodies and the other one is...well kind of lame and has to have beefy dudes beat up on small children etc) is pleasing to me. 

Get fucked, Cinder.

And THERE is Cortana again too.

Neo Marry Popins’s Ya’lling is fucking CUTE. And I love her little smirk.

Wait the whale’s that close?

..oh my...hold on.

...thats it. THATS ATLAS’S AIR FLEET!?!

12 AIRSHIPS? 12? EXCUSE ME!?

ARE YOU LEGITAMETLY TELLING ME THE BIGGEST MILITARY ON REMNANT HAS FEWER AIRSHIPS THAN THE SMALLEST NAVY ON EARTH HAS FRIGATES? YOUR FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT? THERE HAS TO BE MORE SOMEWHERE. THIS IS A JOKE, A STRAIGHT UP FUCKING JOKE.

...

No, thats...thats it. Thats Atlas’s airfleet. 12 tiny vessels. I swear it was bigger last season...

...HA! HAHA! HA! Oh, Ironwood, and Atlas as a whole...you deserve everything your about to get. I hope you die SCREAMING, and that when your bodies fall bleeding and shattered to Mantle, the people down there will realize that, no. You cant just assume Hunters will do all the work for you

THIS IS REMNANT. ITS KILL OR BE KILLED. YOU EITHER MAKE A FORCE POWERFUL ENOUGH THAT THE GRIMM RUN FROM YOU  OR YOU DIE INSTEAD. ATLAS FAILED. NOW THEY SUFFER.

Emerald stop simpin.

Also that is...the SHITTEST outpost...I have ever seen in my life. My overall thought process of Atlas is...sinking even LOWER than before. 

Though it seems more like a waystation. Bed, Dust, some dudes coat on it. Dead heater. Its probably a rest spot for Specialists out in the tundra.

Ren does the emo sit. Lol. Yang even says it. Brood himself to death.

Alright whats this now...something forcing itself out of the tundra?

And thats it for today! Cool ass concept art at the end there too. 

[tfw-no-tennis]

hunter x hunter thotz so far

soooo ruth and i started watching hunter x hunter woohoo finally! we’re like 10 or so eps in so i decided to collect some thots below on what i think so far (i havent rlly been spoiled so im interested to look back on this once ive watched more)

first off i love gon sm, hes immediately so endearing...hes just a baby!!!! just a little baby boy!!!! hes just so cute and good, im so not ready for him to get put thru the wringer later on as ive vaguely heard happens

the first few episodes were really fast paced which i enjoyed and thought was for the best. the characters came thru really strongly and i feel like we heard juuuust enough about the setting, premise, and what a hunter is 

i wasnt expecting leorio and kurapika to show up in the FIRST EP lmao that surprised me. i love so much how the three of them like IMMEDIATELY became a family unit in like 3 eps lmaoooo it was like ok here are 2 parents and their son bam. also leorio and kurapika having a showdown on the boat (which didnt end up happening) was a wild ride 

i have like zero fucking idea what a hunter is and the more they attempt to explain the more confused i get. its honestly kind of hilarious how little sense it makes. to be clear this doesnt detract from my enjoyment of the show at all (if anything it adds to it)

oh my god fuckgin hisoka is the worst he hasnt done much but i hate him so much already. good villain writing/design so far, hes so hateable

ruth every time hisoka shows up: WE HATE UR PUSSY BIIIITCH 

the character design in this show is....a lot lmao. ruth and i decided its a cross between soul eater, jojo, and one piece in terms of aesthetic. the designs are certainly unique and so many of them are just so ugly hvbjafdbdskgs it reminds me of that post thats like ‘masterpost of jojo characters who look busted as shit’ lmao

i already love this show a lot tbh like the way its structured so far has been kinda atypical for a shounen, at least in terms of fights - we really havent seen a lot of fighting yet. also nen hasnt shown up yet and its reminding me of stands not becoming a thing in jojo until p3 lmao 

anyways in litrally ep1 i already loved the 3 main characters we saw...leorio is a wild dude, i love him sm, especially as a fellow medical binch who wants MONEY. like, thats literally me. and kurapika is also wild, like damn they rlly just dropped their backstory in ep 1 huh. like we rlly are jumping right into this 

also when leorio said he was a teenager i was like WHAT???? just like evryone else which YEA omfg. i cant believe hes that young lmao. kurapika too

so leorio is one of those 19 yr olds who looks 40 and kurapika is the type of teen who looks like a 12 yr old

and KILLUA i love him sm also....hes an adorable assassin catboy and hes perfect. i love how quickly he and gon hit it off (tiny bfs.....) and how hes just like, this extra as hell 12 yr old with a SKATEBOARD and ASSASSIN SKILLS and then he sees gon and is like guess im gonna fall in love 

i gotta talk abt gon again i just love him. hes so polite and cute and kind and good, i just love him...wht a good protag. his motivation is just wild too, hes like well my dad abandoned me to go off and be a hunter (which he isnt even mad abt, what a nice lad) so im gonna do that to see what the deal is

i love how gon (just like the audience) doesnt really know what a hunter does/is and just goes into the exam totally blind lmao. also the fact that his skills seem to include jumping good, being speedy, having the energy typical of a 12 yr old, being a weather sniffer, being nice, and having good instincts/constitution as a result of having eaten random grass and forest shit growing up...amazing. 

is this gonna turn out to be one of those things where its like, wow theyve been using nen this whole time without realizing! tht would honestly explain a lot lmao 

i really enjoy how like....semi-normal the power levels are rn? while also being all over the place and wack as fucks obvs (like hisoka dissolving that guys arms in his first appearance was A Lot, as well as all the card stuff hes done..). like the part wher that blue guys (evil franky one piece) punches the ground and it leaves a crater and everyones like !!!! wow wtf thats unnatural! that literally threw me off bc that kinda thing is so normal in anime lmaoooo. but i like that thats the starting point bc it leaves a lot of room for power escalation w/out it getting too out of hand 

specifially our protags are starting out pretty low on the Shounen Badass scale - especially gon (and leorio, tho i kinda predict he wont be as fight-y? what with him being premed)

i find it kinda hilarious how killua hasnt done too much (aside from murdering those 2 randos in like half a second) despite being so clearly skilled...like when they have to do the 5v5 fight thing in the tower, i wouldve thought hed be the first up cause hes so badass but nope

actually thats what i find interesting - i was expecting all 5 (or maybe 4, we’re in the middle of leorio’s ‘fight’) of the fights to be physical smackdowns but so far nope, theyve been very cerebral. that bodes well, w/how smart the fights have been, bc i doubt the fights will get stale tht way 

tho they might be kinda frustrating sometimes - there are times when u DO just wanna see a good ole fashioned shounen beatdown yknow. but we do get enough of that now (and im sure we’ll get plenty more) to satisfy (like kurapika decking fake-franky) 

oh also the opening. its so charming and cute and i love the song...its also so hilariously basic and classic - like one of those typical 2000s anime openings where theres stock run cycles of all the main characters and theres a little animation of all the characters fighting together (and that fight doesnt actually happen, its just for the op) 

also love that leorios the only one who doesnt fight in the OP, instead getting saved from death by gon lmao. im curious if he’ll end up fighting at all (i assume a little?) and if he’ll use nen (probably healing type nen?) 

also i already wanna fistfight ging for abandoning his perfect angel son. also leorio is literally gons dad already, they even look alike wow 

that guy hanzo has done basically 0 things so far but i rlly like him already, im curious if thatll change. also sorry for calling u ‘hanzo overwatch!?!?!?!’ upon first viewing my guy 

tonpa is str8 up so annoying pls leave u pathetic loser 

tho it cracked me up when he and Evil Mr Clean were facing off and starting getting all detailed/shaded and i was like o shit is he actually badass. are we abt to see like a nen battle or st. but no....lmaooo

i found it interesting that leorio didnt really admit to wanting to be a dr at first...hes such a good dude, he kinda just let kurapika think that his motives were superficial and greedy when in actuality theyre selfless

also wanting to be rich can be a rlly interesting character motivation and i love when its done right

oh my god i cant believe it took me this long to mention the hilariously edge ED....like holy shit, its so 2000s, the song sounds like its been re-recorded like 40000 times bc of how bad the audio quality is, or something, idk how to describe music but its hilariously specific in tone and its rlly funny to see shots of the main characters smiling while this screamo whatever plays in the bg....wow. 

also s/o to killua for being king of edgy with that ‘tear of blood’ shot

i rlly like how much of the plot, especially the early hunter exam stuff, is moved along simply by gon being a good kind polite boy. 

love the fact that he and leorio and kurapika (and later killua) all team up without even saying anything...i love that, most shounen would have them be like ‘che, i cant team up with anyone, i have to prove myself ALONE or my victory wont be EARNED’ or w/e idk. who knows that might happen later but rn i love how they all effortlessly work together (and how they all contribute - without each other they would have all failed at different points) 

oh man also killuas first appearence was so funny when he drank a bunch of tonpas poisoned drinks and was like [smirks] tch, loser, im immune to poison. get dunked on. [skateboard away] i love him so fuckgin much 

omfg that part where killua looks all shoujo/kawaii and is talking abt how hes gonna kill his family or w/e and gon is just like ^_^? i love they

HOOOOLY FUCK I ALMOST FORGOT, BUT 65% OF THE REASON I MADE THIS POST WAS TO MENTION HISOKAS THEME LMAOOOOO his music being like fuckgin, spanish guitar/traditional mexican type music is sooooo goddamn funny to me for some reason, like the first time it played i was like ok whats going ON with this spanish guitar lmao but then i figured out that its his theme and god thats so funny 

hisoka is also so fuckign jojo like he could so easily be in jojo. he and dio would be the fakest best friends ever and would constantly try to kill each other on the lowdown and shittalk each other constantly in private but be super sweet to each others faces. also they would hatefuck. no im not taking criticism bye 

i rlly love everyones backstories also, and i find it interesting that weve gotten to hear/see at least some of all 4 of the MCs backstories. theyre all compelling and interesting and i cant wait to dive in further 

also calling it now but kurapika is totally gonna get way too absorbed in revenge and get fucked up/disregard their own life (maybe in the style of robin in one piece?) we’ll see but i feel like it aint gonna end well. i could be wrong, i really havent been spoiled at all, thats just my guess 

hbahjfbshjf the ep that was called ‘hisoka x is x sneaky’ was SO funny that reads like a dora the explorer ep title 

also i had no idea the ep titles were formatted like that w/the x’s and thats rlly funny 

ok but the part where leorio - who seems to be pretty bad at fighting - tries to fight hisoka - whose literal first appearence involved him effortlessly dissolving a dudes arms - is so fucking funny. leorio rlly b a premed w/no brain cells....same bro. 

also i loved the Cutthroat Kitchen portion of the hunter exam and how not a single contestant was any good at it lmaoooo. do they not have the cooking channel in hxh-verse earth 

ok i love how the main characters are all intuitive in different ways depending on their own skills, like how killua can immediately guess that kurapika has never killed anyone before after they didnt kill evil-franky

kurapika joined killua in the Edgy Corner during that part also. like, they both have legit reasons to be edgy, but the shots of kurapika sitting in the darker tunnel part was kinda funny

also killua, a literal 12 yr old, calling out kurapika for being a murder virgin was pretty hilarious 

ok also i didnt know that madhouse animated hxh which is rlly funny but w/e i love the animation especially the occasional chibi parts and the facial expressions (like killuas ‘i love murder’ catboy expressions) 

oh also when killua murdered those 2 guys and his hand was all vein-y and his nails were pointy, his hands looked like hisokas do...i wonder if thats a legit connection or it hisoka just b getting his nails did 

kurapika talking abt how even seeing a regular spider makes them rlly angry was both very sad and kinda funny. kura u have so many issues god bless 

kurapikas smackdown on evil blue franky was fuckin dope tho. and the red eyes reveal was SPOICY 

rlly love how the individual fights highlights the characters strengths/morals/motivations/whatever....the writing is already really strong tbh 

ugh ok ive ranted enough this is a Lot lmao its so disorganized but w/e 

basically i love this series so far and im rlly curious whatll happen next. also everything seems pretty chill and upbeat so far (relatively) and i know this shit gets dark and im NOT FUCKING READY. 

til next timeeee

[jawnjendes]

the fog will clear up | shawn mendes

chapter 13/?, university au, shawn x goth oc

AN: sry its short and definitely a filler im sry its boring but it helps build up stuff thatll happen next ok ok im sry

*let me know if u wanna be added/removed from the taglist

masterlist | playlist

Annalise woke with a start. She was wide awake immediately. There was no room for sleepily rolling around the sheets, her eyes weren't heavy like always. She didn't know what dying and coming back to life felt like, but she was pretty sure it felt something like that. She had a weird urge to go for a jog.

Staring at the ceiling, Annalise reached towards the nightstand next to her, intending to grab her phone. Her hand touched the bottle, and she picked it up anyway, reading the prescription label.

Annalise Flores SERTRALINE 50MG TABLET Brand name: Zoloft

"You don't waste anytime, huh?" she murmured before setting it back down. Then, she grabbed her phone and checked the time.

8:47am. A new fucking record. Annalise rolled out of bed, unable to stay still.

In the 2 hours she had to kill before work, she tidied up the dorm, ate a decent breakfast, took a shower, and got started on the course work she had to make up. The energy levels were through the roof, she had never been so on edge and productive at the same time. Why wasn't she put on sertraline sooner? Sure, she felt hyperaware and borderline anxious, but that was apart of the process of getting on a new antidepressant. She was getting things done this way. Sure, she jumped when the lock on the door jiggled, but she was up and running anyway!

If she wasn't, she wouldn't have seen Stella entering the dorm. She was surprised to see Annalise on the couch, looking like a deer in headlights.

"Oh… I thought you were asleep. I'll, uh, I'll come back."

"No, wait!" Annalise sounded a little too frantic, but it did stop Stella from leaving. "Uh, come sit down! Please!"

Stella narrowed her eyes slightly as she went to the couch. At least she was willing to listen.

"I, uh, I'm sorry," Annalise began, rubbing the back of her neck. "I'm sorry for what I said. A stupid guy isn't the only good in my life. I have you. You matter to me, and I'm sorry for making you feel like you don't." She really couldn't stop herself from rambling. "I miss you. I miss seeing you here between classes, and I miss your optimism because a bitch could use some of that. And, and I'm sorry for the negativity I've brought in here. I'm working on it now, I swear. Just… come back. Come home… because bro, you're my wife, dude."

It could have been funny, but there was nothing funny about the way she said it. Her eyes were wide and pleading, and she was rubbing her hands together. Stella merely blinked her hazel eyes, nearly overwhelmed by that string of words.

"Look at you, expressing your emotions," she said after a while. "I can see why you hold it back."

Annalise nodded rapidly. "It's my first day on a new medication. Got me all sorts of hyped up, but I'll mellow out in a couple of weeks. And I'm taking therapy seriously again!"

Stella was surprised. "Oh, I see. Well… I've missed you too. Bro…"

"Bro?"

"I'll come home too. Camila's bed is too small for the two of us."

"Bro…"

"I know. I have to update you on all that."

"Br-"

"Okay!" Stella broke out a smile and stood up. "Dame un abrazo, puta."

That was much easier than Annalise had anticipated. She stood up and hugged her best friend, relieved. Stella wasn't one to hold a grudge, nor was she as stubborn as her roommate. It was another person to cross off the list.

~

Shawn had social media mainly to get his music out there. Yes, he interacted with his friends on Snapchat, and some fans on Twitter. Most of the time, Shawn just tweeted when he had new music coming out. He didn't check any of his social media very often, not even to stalk Ann's accounts because she was rarely on her's. He didn't even have his notifications on, purely to keep himself from the possibility of getting too attached to the opinions of random strangers online.

That was why he woke up that morning to a number of texts from Camila.

"SHAAWWNWNN"

"SHAWN IM LKTERSLLY BALD RN"

"CHEKC UR TWITTER RIGHT NOW!!!!!!"

"YOIR FOLLOWERS!!! AAHSKSKSK"

"SKSKSK SHAWNMM IM SCRAMING"

So to Twitter he went. Shawn rubbed sleep out of his eye as he went to his profile. He had around 10k to begin with, that he built up on his own over the last couple of years. He nearly dropped his phone on his face as he read the new number.

50.2k

"What… the fuck?" he breathed out as he sat up in his bed. He scrolled through the list, making sure this wasn't a series of spam bots.

His mentions were just as wild, and it explained the sudden blow up.

@hollaestor: @shawnmendes hiii bella told me to follow you

@samxriv: @shawnmendes i am free to hang out on tuesday to hang out when i am free

@gisellenjh: @shawnmendes bella sent me here and im glad she did! loving your music!

And there were plenty more like that. There were so many tweets, Shawn couldn't even get through all of them. It was making his head spin. There was only one Bella he knew about too… He just couldn't spell her last name. Thankfully, her handle was just @bellasanti, and it was the first one to pop up when he typed it in the search bar.

Right under Bella Santiago's name and the blue checkmark were the two little words: Follows you. Shawn refreshed the page ten times before it sank in. This YouTuber, who has over 2 million followers, somehow found Shawn's music… and she liked it. She liked it enough to tweet about it… 3 days ago.

@bellasanti: underrated spotify artists: @shawnmendes. give him a listen. send him some love. truly talented guy💖

Shawn had only overheard Bella's videos when Ann was watching them in the other room. He never really watched any of her content. But he wanted to pass out at the fact that she took the time to listen to his music and tweet about him. He wanted to jump on the bed. He wanted to call-

He texted Camila back. "Wtf why did no one tell me sooner?? This is so crazy!!!!!"

"We thought you knew and you were keeping it from us!! LMAO congrats rockstar!"

He couldn't believe it. His follower count was rising. He was getting emails from Spotify saying his songs were being added to many different playlists.

@shawnmendes: @bellasanti wow thank you so much! Love you bella❤

He deleted the last bit before tweeting it. Holy shit. Shawn lied back down on the mattress, completely breathless.

How does someone like Bella Santiago find Shawn out in cyberspace? What Spotify rabbit hole did she go down that led her to him? How many of his songs did she listen to? How many songs did she save to her library? How many of those playlist emails were from her? Shawn had so many questions.

~

There were two things Annalise noticed when she was out on the courtyard after Biology. The first thing was a table on the side of the walkway, with a handmade banner hanging off the front. It read in big letters: Shawn Mendes: Live at The Cameron House. Brian, Alessia. and Camila were all sat on the same side at this table, talking to a student who was interested in the little display.

"The lounge called back," Annalise muttered to herself.

The other thing Annalise noticed was Patrick sitting under a tree nearby, reading a book. She went to him first.

The last time she had spoken to Patrick was when they cut up flowers together. He was never one to explicitly state when something has upset him, and he has seen Annalise in a depressive episode before. Annalise knew him well. Patrick kept his distance because he didn't like the negativity around her, and he couldn't afford any more of it himself.

"Hey," she greeted.

His blue eyes tore away from his book to meet her gaze. "'Sup?"

"Trying to be less fucked in the head," she told him.

Patrick nodded in approval. "Cool."

That was all that was needed for the two of them. Content, Annalise turned and went for the table. A small line had formed when she wasn't looking, so she waited behind the last person. However, with three people running the thing, Annalise got to the front fairly quick.

"Oh, she actually showed up," Brian chimed, amused.

"Meaning?" Annalise asked.

"Thought you were too pissed at Shawn to care about his show, that's all."

She swallowed the pit of annoyance, discovering that even more people knew about that. Brian is his friend, though, of course he'd know.

"Selling tickets or something?" Annalise turned her attention to the two girls.

"Yeah! Ten dollars a piece!" Alessia explained.

"Cool, I'll take one."

Just as she opened the flap on her book bag, Camila spoke up.

"Wait. I'm pretty sure Shawn said he wanted to buy you your ticket himself."

Annalise rolled her eyes. "Well, he's not here and I can do things for myself." She pulled out her wallet and paid her own goddamn ticket.

Camila breathed out a laugh. "Are you ever gonna let him do anything nice for you?"

None of your fucking business.

A new thought occurred to Annalise. "Why are tickets being sold for this show? Aren't his gigs usually free?"

"There's more production going into this one," Brian told her. "The lounge gave him the option to make it a ticketed event, and we need to make back what we already put into it. So now, it won't be a performance, it'll be Shawn's performance."

Shawn already knew how to make an audience his bitch, but…

"Alright then." Annalise shrugged and then accepted her ticket and receipt from Alessia.

The ticket alone was already quite extravagant. There were little red roses designed around the edges. This boy really loved his fucking flowers.

"I'm guessing rose petals will fall from the ceiling or something?" she guessed with a chuckle.

"I was given strict orders to not spoil anything," Brian told her, folding his arms.

The two had a mini staredown until Annalise shrugged again. "Whatever."

Then, Camila piped up again, suddenly excited. "Ooh, Ann did you hear? Bella Santiago followed Shawn on Twitter!"

"She what?" Annalise stupidly replied.

Camila practically squealed. "She gave him a shoutout too! He's blowing up on Spotify! Isn't that awesome?"

Annalise wanted to say something, but her brain wasn't quite caught up yet. So she just walked away.

The other three students watched her leave. Needless to say, they were confused.

"Is she ever gonna be happy for him?" Alessia wondered.

"I think she was excited?" Camila said tilting her head.

"I can't believe Shawn is going through all this trouble for that," Brian said with a scoff.

"I can still hear you!" Annalise called over her shoulder as she kept walking.

All three of them went red in the face, embarrassed. Brian would have made a comment about her being a vampire with supersonic hearing, but he didn't want to be called out again.

_______

taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou  @ilsolee @mendesromano @1-800-khalid-mendussy @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @goldenmndes @shawnvvmendes @shawnsunflower @shawmndes @ruinhoney @someoneunimportantxx @calyumthomas @yourdeflightfullyleft @havethetimeeofyourlifee @wronglanemendes @chillingbythesea @softmendesss @mutuallynotmutual

[popatochisssp]

So rn im completely enamoured and taken in by your swapfell boys, but it just tickles my funny bone how edgy Mal's name is because it literally means 'evil' in spanish but he's such a good man. Also very high key just want to smother Rus in soft love and caresses, even though he might want something rougher, aah...

But the more i think abt Mal’s name the sadder and angstier it gets?? And then your world building makes me think of these two kids doing sad, dubious things bcs they gotta to live?? popato ur au will kill me one day

(I’m assuming you’re the same anon, or else two anons who have very similar feelings lol)

Thank you! I’m super fond of these boys myself!

At least Mal’s nickname is something he’s decided he’s okay being called but that doesn’t make it much better, does it? Convinced that he’s evil or at least the closest practical thing to it when really, he’s just somebody who cares about his family and everything he’s done, he did to protect it, or to get strong enough to protect it…

And Rus, sweet angel boy that he is, he hates all the violence and scary shit, he just wants snacks and hugs and probably a really fluffy blanket to cuddle up in… but he’s gotta be constantly alert and ready to run at a moment’s notice, or maybe even fight if somebody doesn’t give him a choice, god he hates it, he’d probably just give up if Mal wasn’t around doing so much and trying so hard to make sure things are okay for them…

But! Here’s the bright side!

There is no AU of mine that doesn’t get up to the surface, and once there, monsters experience immediate improvement in their daily lives, no matter what universe they’re from!

It’s not perfect, nothing ever is, but humans really seem to frown on most public forms of violence, and most of the time, they actually even enforce this ‘peace’ thing??? The ideal here seems to be that everybody gets a fair shot at survival, even the weak, and there’s things like playgrounds and public transportation and adaptive devices for the differently-abled and that’s wild…

And no matter how warlike or militaristic a ‘fell ‘verse is, monsters just don’t have the kind of population to oppose the human majority– they have to assimilate, or at least try to!

And for Mal, that means  s l o w l y  toning down his paranoia because statistically, there’s fewer places where it’s socially acceptable to just start a fight with the intent to kill. There’s still dangerous places but for the most part, it’s actually…safe up here? More or less, at least… Maybe he can relax and not be constantly on edge and fighting…

While Rus, meanwhile, gets to slowly figure out how this ‘being independent’ shit works because hey, there’s a lot of nice people up here! The human internet isn’t only trolls trying to lead you wrong like the Undernet was and he can look up tutorials to stuff and ease into social interaction through a screen and also! He can actually…show his art to people? And they like it??? The surface is fantastic, this kinda world is like a dream to him, he loves this place!

It might take awhile to get over all the insecurities and anxieties and complexes they’ve accumulated over the years, but they will heal from the scars their Underground left on them! It’s only a matter of time. :3

[ujuro]

as it is halfway through the year i have decided to do my  fave songs so far (i wanted ten but ehhhhhhhhh fuck that)

in no particular order:

Apink-Eung Eung: i was wondering if their concept change followup would be as strong as im so sick and wouldya look at that this song is good AND hella interesting. im still not down with the disrespect ifans give apinks past songs but im becoming more and more happy that a 2nd gen gg is successfully creating a new life for itself

Dreamcatcher-Piri: every new dreamcatcher title track has dethroned the last one as my fave so even though rn im like THIS IS AMAZING AND NOTHING WILL EVER TOP IT EVER ill probably eat my words pretty soon. Anyway this is amazing and nothing will top it ever. shout out to diamond and atwnol as well duh

(g)i-dle- Senorita: while i was originally pretty pissed at this song for the drawn-out end section that doesnt use the great chorus, this song is still greatly replayable and has wormed its way into my heart. i listen to it all the time

dia-woowa: the fact that this song wasnt a massive hit is a CRIME. an x-treme gameshow bop, and who knows how many times ive played it. i dont even know how to explain my love for this song other than it just bangs REAL hard

clc- no and me: i dont think i can really rank these two songs apart from each other. just two really solid hard-hitting songs that work with the ideas of “girl crush” and “empowerment” without falling into the annoying and grating parts that those songs often have. the styling, choreography, and execution is way above groups that are much bigger, and i just love clc

wjsn- 12 o’clock: it is blasphemous to say that i like this song more than cantabile and you got? maybe. Does not change my opinion tho. its just so...bouncy. i love it. this entire mini is amazing though.

Monsta x: stealer: ITS SO DRAMATIC. shout out to mx for being the only bg that is consistently wack and interesting i love them so much.

everglow- bon bon chocolat: this song still goes just as hard as it did when it came out. the truest banger released this year. with this and moon (also a fave), i cant wait for more.

im-scent: admittedly i do not listen to horizon pretty much at all but scent is just so good. a perfect melancholy little creation. and NO im not just saying that cause im biased i just really like this song

oh my girl: the fifth season: like many others, during the first verse of this song i was like this is it? really? but then that bomb of a chorus drops and this song becomes next level. it speaks for itself really. this album is also really good, though ive been in the mood for hype songs lately so checkmate speaks to me the most of the b-sides lol

bund-i mean bvndit- dramatic: i really liked hocus pocus as well but this song has a slight edge to it that made me really interested in the group. despite being a pretty standard trop house-style song, it just flows so well

favorite-loca: for me, the spanish trend is pretty hit-or-miss (as in i mean i only like it when ggs do it lol). but this song also has an amazing chorus that carries it

momoland- im so hot: this song is fun as hell fite me. sucks that momoland is in such a load of shit with members not appearing tho cause i love and would die for my girls. mld ent and the wack brigade of stan twitter momoland haters can fite me too. 

fromis_9- love rum pum pum: im so predictable. retro pop sound=i love it. fun is nice but its a bit much ya know.

cherry bullet’s entire love adventure single: i really like really really despite it being kinda generic and something that i should scoff at, but ruddy and ping pong are even better? i didnt expect to like this groups music so much but their songs so far are charming i love my girls. 

wjsn- lets dance: IM PREDICTABLE AND LOVE BANGERS’

hong jinyoung-rain of tears: SHUT UP I LOVE THIS SAD TROT BALLAD

twice- hot and breakthrough: new concept twice can kill me and id say thank you

yunho and boa- swing: im so glad that i force myself to listen to as many releases as possible because i probably woulda skipped over yunhos solo album but then i woulda missed this song and holy fuckin shit yall its another banger i love

red velvet-sunny side up: well duh

also the entire fuckin mini i made mini by idle and no1 by clc cause this is long but i just realized id have to list all of the bsides on them too fuck

shout out to my sexy girls girl crush and camila. In fact shout out in general to every sexy dance team and gg that gets more fancam views than your faves. Ive grown way attached to all of them honestly lmao

i feel bad not listing songs by them as like a TOP fave because theyre both my ult groups but despite being good overall the only standouts i really like from loona and izones minis are colors and highlight. butterfly really grew on me, but i often wake up at night in a cold sweat thinking about how loona as a group may never put out a song i like more than egoist or eclipse or love cherry motion or oecs mini

also shout out to moonlight by geegu because im just shocked they came back at all and only lost 3/9 members too. same with leggo by wannab though that song isnt as good. tmi by hot place as well for eurodance wack. 

if you have made it this far you can now know the real song i have been listening to the most over the past week or so and that is time bomb by icia. i could go into detail and try to explain myself but i shall not. i love this fuckin song. in fact ive been more into ultra nugus than my faves lately. thank god for ultra nugus. 

the end

[bl00dh0rs3]

I posted 12,237 times in 2022

That's 3,423 more posts than 2021!

250 posts created (2%)

11,987 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@ /edge-lorde

@ /hannahblock

@ /utopians

@ /megatronismegagone

@ /tezzbo

I tagged 1,341 of my posts in 2022

#horse.txt - 128 posts

#wizardposting - 38 posts

#vent // - 22 posts

#six eared macaque - 9 posts

#man - 8 posts

#sun wukong - 8 posts

#jttw - 7 posts

#please - 7 posts

#yeah - 7 posts

#jackart - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#this design was kinda thrown together randomly but im ngl. kinda digging it. i see you with that little ponytail sir i see you i see you 💅

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

If Empires s2 Mythical J. Sausage was a romance trope. He would be a purebred Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

Tell me this isn't some Grade A, Typical Sausage Behavior.

Tell me it's not. You can't.

21 notes - Posted November 29, 2022

#4

I seriously cant stop thinking about the six eared macaque like this is a Problem. Just the whole PREMISE behind the character. Like on a basic literary device level hes just a glassic evil twin/doppleganger--he exists in the story of the Journey to the West to be a metaphor for all of SWK's worst traits and impulses--hes what SWK could be if he wasn't actually trying (at least a little bit) to be a good Buddhist on this taxing roadtrip to India with his companions. They are repeatedly described by the Buddhist concept "being of two minds" (one being baser/simple/the one youre Born with, and the other more. Conceptual and heightened but to a negative degree, i suppose? The translations im looking at rn are rather vague but thats ok i get the feeling its kinda meant to be), and SWK killing him can be interpreted as him finally surpassing as well as accepting those darker parts of himself, and melding his two minds into One. So like the SEM EXISTS to further SWK as a character, obviously.

BUT. HES ALSO GOT ALL THIS OTHER SHIT GOING ON THAT ISNT NECESSARY RELATED TO HIS CONNECTION TO SWK????

Like the fucking six ears! I feel like im going crazy im just repeating the same shit over and over but i seriously CANNOT get over the implications of how his powers of hearing are defined. LIKE

KNOWLEDGE OF PAST AND FUTURE? COMPREHENSION OF ALL THINGS??? AM I FUCKING MISSING SOMETHING HERE??????

The absolute fucking TRAGEDY of the sux eared macaque being set up with these INCREDIBLE powers and existing in name as a play on a very interesting phrase (“The dharma is not to be transmitted to the sixth ear [i.e., the third pair or person]” (fa bu zhuan liu er, 法不傳六耳)), ONLY TO THEN BE LIMITED TO EXISTING SOLELY FOR SWK'S BENEFIT. And the consequence of him trying to OWN this connection by taking SWK's title and completing the Journey on his own is. Being fucking murdered.

Literally rolling around and flailing violently on the floor. What the FUCK man.

24 notes - Posted November 9, 2022

#3

I really need a name for this au. Anyway i nailed down their color schemes (flats and some character design-y thoughts notes below)

Aw man im really about to go in on this here, ok--ill stick to just design stuff and a bit of Their Deal^tm for now! ill explain the au in full some other day, with a more polished drawing.

Alright so. I am still doing research, its ongoing, but i think ive decided that, in this au, their relationship is something more akin to... in a past life they were the same, but for spiritual development reasons, the qi that made That person split, and went on to reincarnate as Them--narratively this is going to make them function like. Just normal Foils lmao--just with an added umph of it being somewhat literal for them, in the scope of their world, if that makes sense! I dont want to put myself in the box of calling them brothers, bc it just irritates me, but they are Not going to be romantically involved in this au either--SWK has enough trouble in his weirdly uneventful but still tumultuous love life as it is (👀 at Erlang and ZBJ), im not going to torment him by adding his evil clone to that list LMAO. Also LEMH aromantic as hell bc i said so.

Also their both trans thats very super important. Trans monkeys forever obviously

Anyway, So theyre still sort of "the same person", yet not, as they had still Never properly met (until Liu'er chapter)--their both incredibly similar and incredibly different, due to the imbalance of the energies within them and the actions they took for the majority of their lives. SWK is the yang, extroverted and bold and destructive and take-no-shit, while LEMH is the yin, (at least in this story) by being reclusive and a bit of a pushover for the longest time--the, erm.... Outburst, being the result of built up resentment and imbalance within himself spurning him to overcompensate for what he was lacking. It's kind of complicated and intricate and i like it that way if describing it is kind of rough Pfft--but anyway!

Point is, i wanted ALLLL that to be reflected in their designs by giving them plenty of Contrasting but Complimentary, and even sometimes juxtaposed details! The incorrect yin yang belt buckles/brooches are the most obvious one i think, next to the general warm vs. cold color palettes--then there's Liu'er being shirtless and with shorter hair, just to bring a sense of masculinity into his appearance, counterbalancing the fact that he's otherwise very feminine and in line with his Yin nature. Id say i made SWK's hair longer for the same kind of reason, but given that long hair isnt seen as inherently feminine, mileage can vary on that--if one reads it that way then yay, fun detail, and if not, then you still get to be looking as a SWK with long hair, and thats always a win in and of itself.

The red parts of their face are also matching--SWK's making up the over eye and LEMH's the under eye, to visually indicate the "this is the same person split in two" dealio. I also tried to make SWK appear a bit more Rounded and Soft, curving his cheek tuffs and little beard In a bit more (belying a gentler nature and other. Yknow, Round thoughts underneath his theatricality (contrasting with his yang-ish behavior), while LEMH's is sharp and feathered out (bringing to mind hostility and action and other Sharp thoughts, equally in contrast with his usually yin-ish nature).

They were initially going to both have the fillets on their heads, for reasons Like the ones above, but without a shirt Liu'er torso was feeling empty and i felt like he needed something to break up the grey of his fur--so, necklace. Hes bouta get choked tf out dont worry about it ❤

Uhhh thats all i can think of writing down right now, feel free to let me know if any of it is kind of Eh, constructive criticism and all that--if you saw any typos no you didnt, thank you for coming to my ted talk and have a groovy day

27 notes - Posted December 2, 2022

#2

Thinking about au where Liu'er joins them on the journey to the west instead of being killed immediately..... something something swk denying himself and begging the Buddha to destroy SEM for him but obviously he wont because thats Him thats His vices personified its His responsibility so now. Hes being forced to confront his worst self on the daily in order to learn to accept and control it.

Something something swk turning to Tang with bags under his eyes after stopping SEM from doing something Awful and asking "was i really this difficult when we first started out?"

63 notes - Posted November 11, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I have so many fucking. Posts i want to redraw as Them. But for now all i have is. Zhu Bajie.

284 notes - Posted November 25, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[chrisevansluv]

This just makes me want to kill myself 🤷‍♀️

Another anon:

"i kinda want to slit my wrists :/ this can’t be happening rn lucy :( im so sad"

***

This is just dumb drama. And I'm not trying to come off as rude, but if this type of drama really got you over the edge like this, I recommend you to step back as soon as you can, for your well-being

[princeyadon]

im like 80% unhappy w my entire plot outline for ask-andante but ive sunk so much of myself into it that i cant stop now---

ill never reboot a blog. i wouldn't just up and delete 3 years worth of posts and myself learning because im now unhappy the more i learn abt storytelling

id have to start over again anyways and build up everything again, and tbh, i dont even have that kind of time.

im hoping the blog i do after will be better paced, better planned out, and have more substance in the content

and ill be the damn first to gripe on my blog and its content

mini spoilers, most of which will be brought up in canon sometime this week or the next anyways

As much as I wouldn’t rewrite my entire story, nor would I reboot the blog, I’d fucking loooove to retcon specific posts. I’ve gone back and actually edited a few but I still don’t appreciate the way they portrayed characters.

ask-andante’s biggest short-coming is where i decided to start the story (an unfortunate result of planning on just having a comedy blog that id abandon in a week). it’s much later in his life and all the learning and excitement and character development andante’s gone through is already over. i understand this to be a major reason for why the side characters tend to be much more interesting than him, as they’re growing and learning, and are willing to learn. andante’s personality type is kind of hard to play as a main character.

i also know celtia’s sudden turn to be honest is still really.. sudden. it kind of comes from no where when you read it. i really really want to address this w him before i close his arc, so it can at least be explained. i think i might be able to find an opening for it in an ask soon.

andante would especially do better if he had someone to play off of, someone he likes to interact with... but unfortunately w the way ive set everything up, if he did have someone like that on the blog (as in a character of mine and not someone else’s), things would go much differently and i dont feel like rewriting everything.

i could potentially find a way to insert a character like this, but id have to write them out and develop them, along w backstories, motivation, goals, future, and even just a reason to be friends w Andante. Celtia’s reasonings make more sense. He wasn’t aware of what Andante was like, and w him using Aroma Therapy, never got to see that his dangerous side was serious because he would diffuse situations before they could escalate. Save for the DJ post, and attacking him. He did mention he was going to leave if it happened again, I suppose. But that’s who Celtia is, he’s starved for attention and approval, the whole reason he disguised his looks was because he wanted to be perfect and attractive, he wanted that approval from people. He figured Andante was just some edge lord who would come around, and he was so desperate to have that.

A lot of Celtia’s older posts are too edgy and I’d love to rewrite those so he was less like Andante abt the whole thing---to put it one way. It was understandable he was having panic attacks, and was extremely defensive abt his Perfect Presentation being destroyed after he had won friendships and approval from askers. But I just really don’t like the way he comes off in them. I wish he looked more frightened, rather than angry. I also wish I hadn’t supported the fuckin ship so much, i went back and deleted a lot of the boyfriendy tags, but admittedly there was a bit of pressure from the community. Nothing direct, i cant pin this blame on any one person and i never will as it was my fault, but i noticed how many more notes the andanstilbe posts got and how many people liked the ship that i kept forcing it, hoping to receive that approval myself

Back again to a character for Andante to play off of--w his next few major arcs, it’s even harder to get a character in that balances out Andante while also positively interacting w him. Andante’s goals aren’t good goals, and he’ll go through any length of sacrificing others for them, and getting a level headed, down to earth, or positive/upbeat character not to try and stop Andante would be difficult without coming up w some strange reason why they don’t. If anyone tried to stop Andante, he’d kill them as they’d be “betraying” him... you can see why writing Andante’s interactions can be fuckin difficult, because of the way he is from recent events (which will have a portion of an arc dedicated to those events), he is much too quick to cut ties and literally kill people because he’s afraid of betrayal/heartbreak.

Overall, I worry for the content of the blog to be just another boring gore fest or whatever, with no real character development or world development tied into it. Actually, it’s literally just one arc that I’m worried for because of this, but I don’t want this arc to ruin a lot of the “story” I have set up.

I also don’t like how everyone is all talk, and there’s nothing actually going on. I get that it’s because Celtia’s arc is going on rn, and his is just getting into his past before he’s gone... which, it can’be helped too much that it’s all talk since it’s going back into the past and all... but that’s what this whole blog has been.

i guess i could pull a 2yr anni, and instead of just regular flash backs and all talk, we actually go back to those eras and have them as semi interactable. I really need to take into consideration the format i am using to tell this story, the fact it’s an ask blog and interactive and not a comic or whatever. But characters would all need to be like voices or doubts, or generic characters from the time period--depending on where these events take place.

I could always have that happen and then only specific times in the past are interactable, and every now and then it breaks away into something streamlined... As much as I’d like to not create a barrier between plot and asks anymore than I have in the past, I can’t have everything weirdly interactable you know?? If it’s a past event that’s already happened? But it’d be better than the character staring at the floor talking like it’s ask-a-therapist over here

i wish i could rant more abt my own fuckin blog but id be getting too into major spoilers over it.

at this point, im just happy if the blog serves as a fun read rather than anything serious, and is good entertainment value. it’s my first story ive even tried to go through with, and i should respect that a bit more and accept it for what it is, and when i try again i will have put these ideas to better use.

[grayson-dolans-dangly-earring]

It Started With A Treehouse (G.D.)

I havent written any Grayson smut in forever soooooo here take this garbage lmao

@scuteedolans @dangly-feather-earring-dolan @pinksnapbackbullshit

              Ethan, Grayson, and I had been inseparable for our entire lives. We grew up as neighbors, the twins ran into my backyard and climbed into my tree house scaring the hell out of me when we were five years old and the rest is pretty much history. Our parents became friends, we went on vacations together, we were babysat together, and we got along great so we basically grew up in each other’s pockets. As we got older the twins grew like weeds and bulked up quite a bit. There was no denying that they were handsome young men, I just wasn’t attracted to either of them. Or so I thought.

                As time went on, I realized a little part of me always loved Grayson a little bit more than Ethan. I always gave in to him, whether it be where we went to eat or what game we played. All he had to do was look up at me through the thick fringe of his eyelashes with those big hazel puppy dog eyes and my resolve would crumble in an instant. His face would split into a beautiful grin, flashing his brilliant white teeth, and I’d melt. Of course, to his face I would scoff and pretend to be irritated but I was never really upset. I don’t think I ever could be.

               It was late on Saturday night, and my phone rang with a text message.

*Group Chat*

G: hey sluts, movie night?

E: first off, rude. second, no.

Me: why not E? hot date tonight?! Lmaooooo

G: yeah right, Y/N. maybe with his left hand.

Me: EW

E: HEY LISTEN I COULD GET A DATE IF I WANTED ONE

G: suuuuuure ya could buddy.

E: I don’t see you on many dates dear brother so….

Me: OH SICK BURN BABY

G: you two are the worst

E: aww ya sad now?

Me: yeah gray, ya gonna cry?

G: fuck offfffff. Is anyone coming to watch this fucking movie with me or what????

E: I already said no, dingus. I’m sleeping at Aaron’s house tonight

G: so you DO have a hot date!

Me: don’t let things get too sexy tonight E!

E: you are both monsters.

Me: gray I’m in for a movie if you want. As long as its nothing that sucks.

G: do my choices ever suck?????

Me: um remember the 4th of july with the twizzlers and half a bottle of fireball???

G: I MEANT MY MOVIE CHOICES NOT MY LIFE CHOICES Y/N.

Me: mhmmmmmm

G: I came out to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked right now.

E: gray that was lame

Me: you are LITERALLY a living meme

G: yeah but you love me baby!

E: I don’t!

Me: yeah yeah whatever I’ll be over in 5

G: YAY!

               I put my phone in my pocket before I slipped my shoes on. I called out to my mother to let her know where I was going on my way out the door. I walked across the driveway and into the Dolan’s front yard. I didn’t bother knocking and I just walked inside. I knew everyone else was gone because the only car in the driveway was Grayson’s. That’s when reality hit. I was alone with him in this big house. Why the fuck was it so hard to breathe all of a sudden? I needed to relax and act normal. I could not let my minor crush come bubbling to the surface right this very second.

               “GRAYSON BAILEY DOLAN WHERE YOU AT?!” I shouted from the front hallway. “I’M IN HERE!” I heard him yell in response from the living room. I grinned and started running. When I hit the living room I dove over the arm of the couch and tackled Grayson onto the cushions. “Y/N what the hell girl?! Are you tryin to kill me?” He said while laughing. His laughter shook my body as I was still on top of him. “You know I like to make an entrance.” I said while climbing off of him. I flopped onto the couch next to him with my feet in his lap. “Go ahead G, fire it up!” He chuckled while pressing play on the remote.

               About an hour into the movie, I started to get tired and uncomfortable because of the way I was sitting. Grayson’s large hand wrapped around my ankle. Still staring at the screen, he said “Stop squirming.” My heartbeat quickened just a little and I let out a fake irritated sigh. He patted his thigh and said “Come on.” I smiled a little and rearranged myself so my head was resting in his lap. Grayson knew this was my favorite way to lay but he also knew I always fell asleep like this too. Sure enough he started stroking my hair and in a matter of minutes I was asleep.

               About an hour later I started to wake up but Grayson was still stroking my hair so I didn’t open my eyes. Call me selfish but it was soothing and I didn’t want him to stop. I cracked one eye open and his phone was close enough to my face that I could read his texts. Now I didn’t want to spy but teasing Gray was kinda my favorite thing and if there was something funny in his texts I could use against him, you can bet your ass I would. He was texting Ethan and the hand that wasn’t stroking my hair, was flying over his keyboard.  It took all of my strength not to shiver while reading his conversation.

G: e I need help

E: whats up bro?

G: im freaking out. Y/N’s head is in my lap

E: dude this isn’t new. she does that all the time

G: e you KNOW this is different. You know how I feel about her!

E: yeah and that’s why I went to Aarons! Man up!

G: I don’t know what to do! God damn it I want to touch her so bad

E: okay well don’t be weird about it. Just like touch her arm or something idk man!

G: ethan you have no idea what she does to me I cant fucking breathe rn

E: well im going to leave you to it FIGURE IT OUT BUD!

G: ETHAN NO

G: ETHAN I SWEAR TO GOD

G: FUCK

               He clicked the power button on his phone and threw it onto the other side of the couch, and his head dropped back, a sigh escaping his lips. Now that I knew he wanted me just as bad as I wanted him, I pulled the courage from inside of me and decided that I was going to make the move to go further. I pretended to still be asleep and I rolled over so my face was inches from his toned stomach. I could hear him gasp above me and I bit back a grin. I stretched out like a cat as his hand ran down my spine. I slowly dragged my hand over the growing bulge in Grayson’s jeans. A groan spilled from his lips and I could feel his body tense up. I slowly blinked my eyes open and grinned up at him. “Are you sure sweetheart? Because if we do this, you gotta be sure.” He asked quietly. I could see the hope shining in his eyes and a shy grin appeared on his face as I nodded.

               As soon as he had confirmation that I was okay with this, a fire ignited in his eyes and his hand traveled down between my thighs. He began rubbing small tight circles over my clit through my leggings. All reasonable thought flew out of my head at the feeling of his fingers on my most sensitive area. My hips bucked against his hand and moans spilled from my lips. “These need to come off.” Grayson said, pulling at my pants. I stood up and removed my leggings, feeling exposed. “C’mere baby.” He said, grabbing my hips and pulling me into his lap.

               Grayson tucked his head into my neck and nipped at the sensitive skin. My hips began to grind down onto his thick thigh and I couldn’t control my sighs as my clit rubbed against the denim of his jeans. At this point I was so turned on I couldn’t see straight. “Fuck baby. You like riding my thigh? Does that feel good?” Grayson growled, his hands guiding my hips back and forth on his leg. “Yes! Hngg-oh my god Grayson!” I whined out. One of his hands left my hip and snaked down to rub me through my panties. He pushed them to the side and sank 2 thick fingers into me. I gasped at the intrusion and he grinned me, knowing exactly what he was doing to me. I tipped my head down and sealed my lips with his. He pumped his fingers in and out of my dripping center and my mouth fell open. He slipped his tongue into my mouth and I could feel that heat coiling in my belly.

               Grayson withdrew his fingers from my pussy and brought them up to my mouth. I sucked his index finger into my mouth, wrapping my tongue around the thick digits. I looked into his eyes as I continued sucking and he let out a low hiss.

               “That’s it. Enough fucking around.” He growled as he flipped me onto my back. Grayson stood up and unbuckled his pants, yanking them down along with his boxers. He pushed my knees apart and settled between my thighs. “Please Grayson. I need you.” I whined, on the brink of tears. “Shh don’t cry baby. Daddy knows what you need.” He whispered, lining his length up with my entrance. He pushed into me slowly, giving me time to adjust to his size.

               Grayson pulled out almost all the way and slammed back in, an animalistic sound ripping out of my throat. He began thrusting into me at a near punishing pace and I couldn’t contain the sounds spilling from my lips. “Please Daddy! God you feel so good! I can’t hold on!” I screamed. “Yeah that’s right baby. Tell me how good you feel. Tell me how much you need my cock.” Grayson grunted into my ear, his warm breathe fanning over my heated skin. “Ugh-Gray you feel so good inside me. Your cock is the best I’ve ever had! I’m gonna come!” I whimpered in response.

               His hand gently tightened around my throat, beginning to cut off my air supply. He kept thrusting quickly, his face twisting and contorting as he chased his release. His hand kept tightening around my throat and the air was getting thinner and thinner. The lack of oxygen made my blood feel like it was boiling and my clit was throbbing. Just as my vision started to darken Grayson removed his hand and used it to rub my clit in tight circles as I sucked in a huge breath. The sudden intake of oxygen mixed with his touches threw me right over the edge as I exploded around him. “FUCK!” Grayson shouted into the empty room as my pussy continued to flutter around him. After another half dozen powerful thrusts he stilled inside me as his orgasm washed over him. After he spilled his seed inside me, he collapsed on top of me, his head on my chest.

               “Wow. Y/N do you know how I’ve wanted this? How long I’ve wanted you?” He whispered into my damp skin. I ran my fingers through his messy hair and whispered back “I’m guessing, as long as I’ve wanted you?” He was quiet before responding. “Y/N please don’t tell me this was a one time thing? I want you to be mine. Like, forever ya know?” Grayson said, lifting his head to look me in the eyes. I cradled his face in my hand. “I’ve been yours since you and your idiot brother stormed my treehouse when we were five years old Grayson Bailey Dolan. I’m not going anywhere.”

[maetaurus]

this post is not gonna make sense and it’s gonna mention anxiety, depression, panic attacks, rape, and drug abuse. so here’s your warning. and suicide

so last night i had my second ever panic attack. i’ve had a lot of anxiety attacks which i was confusing with panic attacks but after last night i know the difference. last night’s wasn’t actuallly that bad. it only lasted for about five minutes and i was able to calm myself down pretty easily. but it made me think about my first panic attack. it happened so many years ago but i remember it so clearly. i was at C’s house and it was late at night and we were sitting on the couch and suddenly i could feel my heart racing and i didn’t know why. i felt like i was suffocating and i thought i was having a heart attack. i felt so antsy and i couldnt calm down or explain why. so i said i was going to take a shower because i thought i was having an asthma attack and cold showers help. but after my shower i didnt feel any better so i desperatly asked C to go outside with me. eventually he agreed and we went on the back porch. i was still panicking and couldnt calm down. i think eventually i did and we went back inside but for the rest of the night i felt so on edge and jumpy. then eventually i went to bed and that was the only night he didn’t rape me before falling asleep together.

moving on quickly before i have a flashback. anywasy last night wasnt bad but it triggered memories of my firs tanic attack and that made it worse. last night i thought that my new dose of antidepressants was effecting me and i was getting anxious from it. and my first panic attacjk i thought it was befcause of the drusg C gave me. so thats another connection i guess.

anyways onto another topic. so dan’s video. i loved it and it was great and i’m produ of him for being honest but also it sucks. ive always seen adn as someone on the same level as me like hes experiencing the things i am and he understands. but now its like oh hes better now and hes happy and hes fine. while im over here stuggling. like the meds werent working and i fele really depressed rn like really really bad and it sucks and all i wanna do is cry and isolate myself because nobody understands me. sure im happy for dan but also i efeel even more alone now. like everyone elese is getting better except for me. im the only one that cant function normally. it sucks. it reallly sucks. idk what to do or how ot get better. i hae so many responsibilities and i just cant do them. i thikn all these years of depression have just spilled out. like i was holding it back for so long because i had to but now i dont have to and i hit a breaking oiint and now its really bad and im scared ill be like this forever and il never ever get better. like  i ont find a med that works and i wont get a job or pay off my stuen t loans or move ou or anything. honestly sometmes i think killing myself would just make it all easier. because all of that would go away and i wouldnt have to be depressed or anxious anymore and my responsilities ould go away. i wouldnt keep letting people or myself down. it would just all stop. i want it to stop. please make it stop.

[imsarabum]

Responses to {Part 26} I Won’t Stop You // Jeon Jungkook, Vampire!AU Asks~

Please ‘Keep Reading’ to find my response to your ask ^^ As always, I have copied and pasted all asks into this post in regards to last night’s chapter to avoid clogging up people’s dashboards and to avoid spoilers for those who may still wish to read the chapter. Thank you ^^

(I have also included asks that I received in the hours before IWSY was posted ^^)

Anonymous said: I was having a really horrible day. And that's when I realized IWSY is getting updated tonight and it hasn't been as bad as a day as expected!^^  On a side note, do you like 2PM? I just wanted to see possibly. If you do, what is your favorite song? Thank you for being so awesome! 💕😘

I’m sorry you are having a really horrible day *hugs* but I hope IWSY can make you smile a little bit! And yes, I like 2PM, but is it bad to say that my fav song was 10 our of 10? LOLOL I still listen to it occasionally :3

Anonymous said: can't wait for the new iwsy chapter :)))

Yay I hope you enjoy it!!

@hemhings said: I won't be able to read I Won't Stop You tonight because I'm on nightshift, I'm so upset about this!😭😭😨

Awww babe I’m sorry you’re working nightshift! :( that really sucks ugh :( but don’t worry my love, Jungkook will still be here for you when you get home!! :3

@ktaegyo said: okay i just had my first part of final exams today and I fucked it up but then I stumbled upon your story and read all 25 chapters at one go lmao. bless you, thank you for making me feel better. I love you

I’m sure you didn’t fuck it up my love, I’m sure you did the best you can do! *hugs* but I’m really happy that IWSY made you feel a little better, and I love you too :D

@fangirlunnie said: IWSY can have hundreds of chapters and I wouldn't get tired of it 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻

Oh god I don’t think it will have hundreds of chapters xD But it is turning out to be quite long! I never expected the story to take my to all these different places and ideas xD But thank you so much beautiful :3

@adoppelna14 said: Every Tuesday I have this strange urge to tell you that I am waiting for the new Chapter of IWSY😂 and it's no joke. A lot of times I look at the date and I'm like, Oh no it's not Tuesday yet. And every Tuesday morning it's like, why can't it be night already?😂😭

Please never lose this strange urge because I really love seeing people get excited (cos I get excited too!!) hehe ^^ I really hope you’ll enjoy this one ahhhh c:

Anonymous said: Bc i live in the Netherlands i have to wait till 10:30 bc the time is 1 hour behind, but still I always stay awake for IWSY and I always go to sleep after i read it bc Tuesday is the longest school day i have whaha

Awh bless you that’s so late for you I’m sorry! :( But I hope that tonight’s chapter will be a good one :3

Anonymous said: iwsy is literally the highlight of my day... no lie. my university classes have already stopped for the summer so i have nothing to do today.. and iwsy hasnt come out yet.... so all i did was nap. i woke up, checked the time in the uk, went back to sleep, and checked the time again. you got yourself a dedicated reader here!!!!

You’re literally so cute I’m screaming xD But I’m so jealous that you’re already finished Uni for the summer! I really hope you like tonight’s chapter :3 thank you so much for reading IWSY!!

Anonymous said: IWSY has reached its final ark right? I'm so exited for the last chapters. ^0^

Maybe, maybe not! You’ll just have to wait! :D

@warriorinhealing said: Can I just say I'm literally sitting at the edGE OF MY BED just waITING for IWSY to update 😩 this story is so good and my friend got me into this and I don't regret(okay kinda of bc my emotions are played a lot in this story) and I jUST !!! 😭�� I don't ship chim and tae but this story makes me wonder if I should and I love yoongi but this story makes me waNNA FITE HIM SO HARD and I want him to cATCH MY H A N DSS !!! and you just write so good 😭 sorry that this is long, I'm vvv emotional

Ahh you’re so cute thank you so much! I’m really happy that you got into IWSY and that you’re enjoying it :3 Tbh i ship tae with everyone lmao he’s so loveable and full of affection ^^ I hope you’ll enjoy tonight’s chapter my love!! thank you so much :3

Anonymous said: First of all, i'm going to calmly say that you are a wonderful writer and that new chapter is no joke. I also want to say something else. Pardon my french, but:  WHAT THE FUCK?  I almost started sobbing.... But its fine... Ill just wait another seven days to see what happens.   [I've never cried from fanfiction before so this was a nice surprise. Thank you for being such a great writer and continuously uploading IWSY. Just thank you~💕]

Hehe :3 thank you so much for saying that ahh~ i’m so happy you read it and liked? it! lolol :3 thank you so much dear!

Anonymous said: fuck.

same tbh

Anonymous said: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

YES

@jauntyjin said: IF U KILLED JIMIN ILL BE SO SAD

WHERE DOES IT SAY JIMIN DIED

@talkmemeytome said: Omg im ACTUALLY crying at iwsy youre such a great writer oh gosh

aaaaaaaaah thank you so much yay!!

Anonymous said: I AM SHOOKETH. OH MAN. THAT WAS SO GOOD. YOU'RE PLAYING WITH MY HEART STRINGS. JESUS

You’re so welcome hehe~ thank you very much!

@mysr3 said: Sara!!! Am so MAD at U rn!! That Yoongi bite not supposed 2b on Y/N ahh😖what!!! Am so upset Omg! Ok I know u r the queen of Cliff hanging but this is just the most painful one I ever had! Glare hard at u girl! Nice chapter! My emotions r all over the place again thx to u! Can u spare us n give us reassurance that everything will b okay! Plzz I need this! My tears keep on falling TT Thank you! I Love U n Ur Blog❤️❤️❤️ but should I continue LOVIN U after this hmm 🤔 Hav a good Day Sara! ❤️ Ps I like how u portrayed Y/N to b kind of bad ass this time! But Jimin!!!! Why~

It’s okay~ everyone’s mad at me :( Don’t cry! Keep reading! hehe :) And Y/N has always been bad ass ^^ But she definitely went overboard and couldn’t control her anger in this chapter I think^^ thank you so much for reading my love!

Anonymous said: 😯🙁😢😭😵😱  ☝basically how i felt while reading this chapter haha BUT DAMN NOW I REALLY NEED TO KNOW HOW THIS WILL TURN OUT I NEED NEXT WEEK TO ARRIVE (but also no because it'll be one week less to my finals) can't wait for updates!!! Hope you have a great week 😘

Next week isn’t that far away! and same I feel you i have so many tests and finals and assignments that I feel like crying forever lolol thank you so much for reading my love!

@ayedemi said: i'm crying istg, i need more of IWSY, i'm in London with school next week and i will miss it bc they don't know for sure if we have wifi ): but i wanna say ILY byeee ♥︎

Ooooh I will also be in London next week! *shifty eyes* hehe but I hope you’ll enjoy IWSY if/when you get a chance to read it :D

Anonymous said: I know I just forgave you for playing with my heart but now I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take it back becaUSEWHYDIDUKILLJIMIN?!WHYDIDYOUKILLTHEMOSTPRECIOUSTHINGINMYLIFEHUH?!HEWASJUSTAYOUNGVAMIREANDYOUJUSTWERELIKETIMETORUINTHEFUNSORRYMATE?!IFONLYICOULDKEEPMYSTUPIDMOUTHSHUTANDNOWJIMINISDEAD!!!IMSUPPOSEDTOWRITEAPAPERTHATSDUE T O M O R R O W AFTERREADINGTHIS?!THISISTOOMUCHFUDGINGANGSTFORMYPOORFLUFFYHEART?!IHAVEMORETOSAYBUTIMRUNNINGOUTOFCHARACTERSSOILLENDWITHTHIS-IH8USOMUCHRIGHTNOW!HMPH- Vampnip anon

Question; where in the chapter did it say Jimin died *confused face*

Anonymous said: ... .... ..... ...... I Hate  You So Much Right Now HOW.COULD.YOU.DO.THAT.TO.ME Is it sad that I don't actually care about my character I'm just really sad about jimin 😭

no Jimin don’t dieeeee!

@ohheyitsebonyrose said: Omgg Sara!!!! That chapter I'm actually crying! T-T you're such an amazing writer! It's my 18th Birthday tomorrow (well for me; April 13th) and I go see Got7 next week I'm so excited!!!

Happy Birthday to you my love! I hope you have an amazing 18th birthday AND OMG YAY YOU’LL HAVE AN AMAZING TIME! I’m also seeing GOT7 again in May and June and I can’t wait sdfghjk they’re literally the only thing that is stopping me from drowning myself somewhere lol. Thank you so much for reading IWSY my dear, it means a lot to me :D

@sundaymorningblues14 said: I have never felt this amount of anxiety over a fan fiction. But I made it through, and even though my poor heart is beating way too fast right now, I am happy I didn't stop reading it.. Thanks Sara x

I am glad you didn’t stop reading ^^ because everything will turn out just fine!! Thank you so much my love, and I hope you have a wonderful week~

Anonymous said: DUDE THAT CHAPTER I'M ACTUALLY CRYING REAL TEARS RIGHT NOW THIS ISN'T A DRILL HOLY SHIT DUDE I CAN'T TAKE IT I JUST

This is not a drill - this is a real emergency

@im-that-chesire-jax said: OH MY FUCKING GOD IM IN TEARSSSSS

*hands you a tissue* because same

Anonymous said: THAT ENDING! NO! I AM ACTUALLY IN TEARS,, holy crap you're so good at writing i admire you! also! how many chapters are left?

Thank you so much my love! You’re so kind to me :D And I have no idea, I’m sorry!

Anonymous said: NO GOD PLEASE NO. YOONGI DID NOT DO THAT. THIS STORYLINE IS SO CRUEL.

The world is a cruel place my friend

@animeimmortal said: DO YOU MIND WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO KILL JIMIN AND LIKE WHAT WAS THAT ENDING. MY SON IS DYING RIGHT NOW WHAT HAVE YOU DONE LIKE WHAT IS THIS I Don't know what I was expecting tbh bUT IT WASNT THAT THou I was expecting a fight to break out and the detailed descriptions? Amazing I love reading them they make the whole thing seem so real you're so tale ted aNYwAY MY SON IS DYING THERE OMG WHYTYYYYY ❤❤❤

Where does it say Jimin died? :o hehe thank you for liking the detailed descriptions and i’m really happy it seemed real to you ^^ NO JIMIN DON’T DIEEEEE! Thank you so much dear ^^

@jeonjungkooksshi said: You're an amazing writer! IWSY IS AMAZINGGGGG and the latest chapter... ughhh too much for my weak heart! LOOKING FORWARD TO NEXT WEEK!! <3

*blushes* thank you so much my love c: that means so much to me!

@the-golden-jhope said: I WANNA FUCKING DIE YOU CANNOT END IWSY LIKE THAT IM CRYING OH MY GOD I CANT WAIT A WEEK

1. Don’t die pls - 2. I just did~ hehe THANK YOU for reading :D

Anonymous said: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IWSY PT 26 WAS SO SPICY!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN UNNIE!!! fuck i hate cliff hangers but, in this case it's totally understandable. omo, my hearteu my hearteu. Unnie, do us all a favour, STOP MESSING WITH OUR BIAS LIST!!! lol, You deserve around of applause. Can't wait for Tuesdays!!!! hwaiting!!!!

Hot hot spicy! hehe thank you so much for reading the update and I’m glad it brought you pain/pleasure ^^ hehe

Anonymous said: BSKSKSNDND MUMSY IM ACTUALLY CRYING AT THIS IM SCREAMING WHY WOULD YOU OH GOD IM IN NEED OF SERIOUS COMFORT WHY WHY WHY IM SOBBING NDKDKKDEM I CANT EVEN BREATHE I'M CRYING IM NOT READY FOR NEXT WEEK IDKSKEND MUMSYYYYY WHYYYYYYYYY

*comforts you* shhh it’s okay~ it’ll be over soon~~ hehe thank you for reading it my love!!

@deangetoutofmyspleen said: oK i'm crying like a little bitch yet again bc of IWSY. the pain is highkey worth it though i'm in love with this story. if i owned a time machine i'd go to next week fr

it’s okay I cry like a little bitch every day~ it’s gr8 hehe ^^ thank you for being in love with iwsy ^^ i’m so happy that you’re enjoying the updates lovely!

@platinumbreak said:  Thank you, you made me lucky haha my exams went well. I hope yours will too. I talked about your writings to a friend and she has been reading it for 3hours straight, she is not even answering anymore haha Ps: This chapter is just amazing thank you for writing and making our life happier haha ×

I’m so happy i could give you a little bit of luck! and I’m glad to know that your friend has seemed to immerse herself in the story too :3 I hope she likes it! thank you very much for reading!

Anonymous said: I'm not even gonna begin to lie, there's actual tears in my eyes after ch26 like, fuck it has me so emotional I'm such a soft pillow I just want everything to turn out okay Jesus Christ I'm sitting nd crying why u gotta do this to me

trust me,I was crying when I wrote parts of that chapter ^^ hehe~ *hugs you* thank you so much for reading the update!

@killingalltheflowers said: Omg this chapter was too much. HOLY SHIT YOU KILLED JIMIN, MY LOVE. YOU MONSTER (I still love you) A-AND NOOO NOW THE READER IS GOING TO BE BOUND TO YOONGI. UGH I- I CANT. I'M SO UPSET ABOUT EVERYTHING. YOU FREAKIN GODESS OF FANFICS. T^T Also this chapter was gorgeously written.. T^T

Where does it say Jimin died?! lol ahhh I’m definitely not a goddess but thank you so much for reading and enjoying the chapter, it means so much to me :3

@oramleon said: sara i'm fucking crying right now what the HELL was that update??????????? WHYYYYYYY

I’M SORRY OKAY

@theninjachan said: "Yoongi smiled – baring his teeth and gums as if he found something to be terribly funny."  YOOO I THOUGHT OF YOONGI'S GUMMY SMILE IN THIS LINE AND CAN'T HELP BUT GIGGLE BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT I AM TEARS RIGHT NOW THIS HAS BEEN YOUR MOST HEART WRENCHING CHAPTER YET. I NEED A MOMENT.

Yoongis gummy smile melts my heart every single time fuck-- TAKE YOUR MOMENT ITS OKAY I UNDERSTAND hehe but I hope you enjoyed it my love ^^

Anonymous said: sara you KNEW everyone was gonna be upset what do you mean "some scenes may be upsetting" i was balling my eyes out the entire time

Shit u rite~~ BUT I HAD TO WARN OKAY YOU CAN’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF

@moonlighthollow said: OMG NO NO NO WTF NO PLEASE OMG  OK I'm done..😐 I'm an emotional wreck😭 she can't just..... yoongi can't just... oh geez i don't even know what to say  AND JIMIN😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Why u doin dis to me ? My poor heartㅠㅠ (i love your writing tho♥)

Shhhh it’s okay...shhhh now *hugs* eheh thank you so much for reading this chapter even if it was a little sad!

@doubletroublesince1994 said: OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU DID NOT OH LORD HELP ME BREATHE I DID NOT EXPECT THAT HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN BECAUSE HELL I DIDNT ANTICIPATE THIS IM SHOOK

I’m glad I could surprise you in the worst way c: hehe thank you for reading once again my love!

Anonymous said: Hi, how many chapters will IWSY have? 💕

I’ve answered this question a million times before and Im sorry but I have no idea! :D

@wearelivinglegacies said: I'm NOT OKAY OMG I'M SO CLOSE TO CRYING RN LIKE WHAT AHHHHH FIRST JIMIN AND NOW Y/N!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I'M SO ANGRY AND SAD AND THIS STORY IS SO AMAZING THANK YOU, BUT ALSO WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEE???????? I can't wait for the next part this story has me on the edge of my seat 😭❤

I apologise for any hurt I’ve caused hehe~ thank you so much for being on the edge of your seat, and thank you so much for reading too! :D

@noceurash said:I knew bad things would happen in this chapter but I'm so... gffhu DEAD INSIDE,, my poor sweet boy jimin (I have such a soft spot for this boy why would you hurt me like this ;^;)) and tae too aaah my heart is breaking. Not to mention bby namjoon not wanting to hurt anyone im crying inside. You've hurt my soul this chapter. It's so good ((hurting me but good)). I hope you have a lovely day~~ I love you!!! <3

All the soul and heart hurties :c hehe i hope you’ll have a lovely day and I love you too! thank you so much for reading the new chapter sweetie!

@wastedtaehyung said: WHAT THE FLIPPJNG FUCK DOFMDCKMS KWEKSLXKQOS (Y/N) AND JIMIN WHAT WOFMWKDK APLDLQD NOW I HAVE TO WAIT NEXT WEEK WIFNSKDMSKSKWMS FUCKFKCMSKLAXMLWFKLW

you’re welcome :3

Anonymous said: nOOOO SARA NOT JIMINNN T_T. i expected it but you still got mehhh feeeeeels. your stories are just so emotional and thats exactly whats so great about them ;-;. ive always thought about how these ideas pop up in your mind. :3

:3 i’m so happy that you find it emotional to read, because i find it emotional to write! as for ideas, they just come to me randomly? dreams, through lyrics and poetry I write, i don’t really know^^ thank you so much for reading dear :D

@bekzzz said: Holy Shit. Just.... holy shit. Tuesday can't come fast enough!

hehe thank you so much my love!

Anonymous said: straight up forgot that iwsy was coming out today 😭. I'm moving houses so everything is super stressful but i read the chapter and suddenly I am at peace. -tall anon

i hope moving house goes quickly for you! stress is no good~ thank you so much for reading the new chapter tall anon! ^^

@m1n-yoong1 said: The amount of times I've gasped and screamed reading IWSY pt 26 is unreal, your writing always amazes me and I look forward to the next chapter 🙌🏼🙌🏼💖💖

awh thank you, that was so sweet and you made me smile ^^ thank you so much for reading the new chapter love!

Anonymous said: damn sara these cliffhangers tho 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻

u know me xox

Anonymous said: I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you 😡

It’s okay. I hate myself too.

Anonymous said: There was a part where you mention how she was essentially able to give life and it was in italics so she can bring Jimin back to life, right? Also if Jungkook marked her in some vampy way, does that mean that Yoongi's plan won't work? Please say yes! 🙏 Joon is gonna be okay too, right? I don't like death. Death is sad. I don't like being sad.

When Jungkook said he marked her, it was sexual innuendo as in - he has already gotten her pregnant ^^ hehe I hope everything turns out well in the end c: ~ thank you so much for reading!

Anonymous said: I'd like to assume that Yoongi can still be redeemed, because o love each and every one of them. That seems a bit too unrealistic, doesn't it though. 😔

We’ll just have to see what happens! But just remember that it’s not real haha Yoongi’s image is just being used for a character I created! It doesn’t depict him in any way ^^

@thenotsogrownupeldest said: I was screaming reading the ending of IWSY latest chapter! I even wish I was some kind of supernatural being that can intervene that heartbreaking scene and save both jimin and y/n.. you my friend, are a terrific writer. I love you but I slightly hate you right now for the ending. I need a moment to calm my non-vampiric soul from this intense scene.

Jump into the story and save everyone! hehe ^^ thank you so much and I love you too (even tho you slightly hate me) c: i’m glad you liked? the update!

Anonymous said: HOW COULD YOU

WHAT DID I DO

@wanda-rog said: I'm speechless...I really wasn't expecting that...Jimin better be okay next week! You're so good at leaving us all on the edge! I bit all my nails reading that chapter and now I can only hope for Jimin to survive and WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE BABY AND IS NAMJOON OKAY AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN OVER ALL, angst aside that was a really cool chapter I'm seriously looking forward to next one, thanks for always updating on time and lengthy chapters too, you go Sara xx

I hope he’ll be okay too! hehe all the questions, hopefully you’ll get answers soon c: thank you so much for enjoying it and reading the new chapter dear, it means a lot to me ^^

@coppertopging said: Omg i totally forgot it was tuesday until i saw your update! This chapter had soooo much going on!! I have so many questions, but got so many answers, but I can't help but want... no... NEED more of this story! Is it terrible that i just never want it to end?!

trust me, al the days have merged into one for me. I have 4 assignments due and numerous exams to have and I’m losing my grip on reality lolol please kill me :( thank you so much for reading as always dear, it means the world to me.

Anonymous said: Holly Tony Molly SARA DA FEELS ARE SO STRONG stop making me cry why did u kill Cristian Chim Chim :/// I just cant wait for next week arggggh *sobs* I freaking love how all of this is so angsty 💞 --wifey anon

hello wifey anon! Where does it say I killed Jimin? ;o thank you so much for reading my love!

Anonymous said: [[SCREAMING]]

*whispers*

Anonymous said: [Error 404] u cant kill chimchim u just cant why ?!😞😞

Where does it say I killed Jimin? ;o

@jynxy24 said: What. The. Hell. Shit feelings. What are feelings anyway? Do feelings even exist? WHY THE HECK YOU GOTTA DO THAT SARA WHY?! I'm happy that Namjoon is good. WE WERE CORRECT!! And damn, badass reader omg. I MISS BADASS VAMPIRE MOM!! Also, if Yoongi frickin doesn't turn good at the end, Istg Sara. Anyways! Thanks for the greatttttt chapter! Stay awesome :3

FEELINGS DONT EXIST :D hehe thank you so much for reading the new chapter ^^ i’m really happy you enjoyed it Jynxy :D

@shineeshawol204 said: So I just read chap 26 of I Won't Stop You, first of all, bitch - I mean that in the nicest way possible - second of all, your writing style is phenomenal! During the fight scene I was letting out audible gasps as the events were unfolding and I feel like I am actually watching it. There's zero gaps in your writing, I am left without questions (other than why bis, ugh the pain I feels) as to what's happening and just ugh, wonderful. Also my friend i sent it to is only on pt.3 and I need someone

Ahh thank you so much I’m so glad you enjoyed the fight scene! I had such a fun time writing it tbh lol to hear you say that there’s no gaps in my writing, it’s really a massive compliment to me. it’s always something i’ve been afraid of happening so thank you so much! thank you a million times ^^

@cheeto-puff-gem said: what the FUCK WHY THIS WHY T H I S

I DON’T KNOW WHAT

Anonymous said: OH SHIT Y/N IS GOING TO BECOME A VAMPIRE (stares intensely at April 18th on the calendar AKA NEXT TUESDAY)

but what if SHE DIES

Anonymous said: ONCE AGAIN YOU GOT ME ALL THE WAY FUCKED. ONE JIMIN NOT DEAD. IF HE DIE IMA LOSE MY SHIT AND TWO Y/N NOT GONNA BE YOONGI'S SLAVE CUZ SHE BELONGS TO JUNGKOOK. it's midnight and I'm laying in the bed crying RN cuz like why? Why you do these things? 😢😢😢 My soul is hurt. I feel as though the world needs to end because Lil mochi is dying and WHAT ABOUT THE FETUS? Baby fetus me is in there like wtf mom calm ya tits and where's my dad? You keep hurting me w/ cliffhangers but I love u 💜~LilKookieAno (cont.) P.S. on a real note I'm dead ass when I say the baby should be named after me. 💜 ~LilKookieAnon

Don’t worry baby fetus i’m sure you’ll be okay! hehe hopfully everything will work out okay in the end :D i love you too sweetcakes~ thank you so much for reading part 26! i hope you enjoyed it even though it was an emotional one :3

@blryface said: I'm honestly so shook at part 26. Like, oh my god I'm speechless. You're such an amazing writer and I anticipate every Tuesday when you update! I can't wait to see how things turn out but DAMN YOU GOT ME FUCKED UP

ahhh thank you so much honestly ^^ i’m so happy you liked it and that you look forward to new updates my love! and i’m sorry if i got you all fucked up hehe

Anonymous said: NO NO NO NO SARA WTHEFUCKWHY TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW IM GONNA AAAAAAA

I called you an ambulance!!

@sunnyoongi2 said: I JUST FINISHED THE NEW CHAPTER OF IWSY AND IM SO HURT I LOVE IT SO MUCH IM CRYING JIMIN!!! NOOO

hehehe thank you so much for reading!

Anonymous said: HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK JIMIN OH MY GOD IM CRYING BUT ALSO NAMJOON AND IM SO TIRED IT'S TOO LATE ON A SCHOOL NIGHT TO BE THIS EMOTIONALLY DISTRAUGHT OH MY GOD

GO TO BED YOU NAUGHTY CHILD!

Anonymous said: NUH UH HONEY. That is all. (In response to IWSY Part 26)

UH HUH HONEY YES MM

Anonymous said: OH MY GODDDD. IWSY CHAP 26 GOT ME SCREAMINGGGG!!! THANK YOU FOR THE UPDATE 💜💜💜

AHH YOU’RE WELCOME AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!

Anonymous said: WAIT WHAT

*waits*

Anonymous said: Yeah just slap me right into the feels take my heart will ure at it whats the point of living if softie Jimin is dead 😩

Where does it say Jimin died?!

Anonymous said: What is this pain that I feel in my chest?

Life

Anonymous said: my poor hearteu

*comforts you*

@lostheretics said: oMg iM HAVING A HEART ATTACK WTF YOONGI???????????? I NEED HELP IWSY IS KILLIN ME

hehe~ you’re welcome for the heart attack! :3

@koreaisanaddiction said: SARA NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! not thatt!!!!! im so sad!!!!!!!(cont.) I THINK I KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!!! I HAVE THEORIES!!!

*sneaky laughs* I guess you’ll just have to wait to see if your theories are correct! ^^ thank you for reading lovely :D

Anonymous said: you ripped my poor soul in half with iwsy why, why must you bring pain and do this :(   poor jimin my heart

I apologise for all the pain :( but I hope you’re still enjoying the story my love!

Anonymous said: I just cannot with chapter 26, this feeling is so indescribable, no words can explain the pain when I read the last few paragraphs, OMG NO PLEASE DONT TAKE HER AWAY FROM JUNGKOOK PLEASEEEE!!!! ಥ╭╮ಥ

Hopefully everything will be okay!! Thank you so much for reading my love ^^

Anonymous said: oh my gosh Sara chapter 26 was so saddening but so good!!! JIMINNNNNN please tell me a miracle will happen and he won't die!!! and let's hope the mark made by jungkook makes a difference and it is strong enough to overcome Yoongi's... I don't want evil yoongi to become my master T.T btw I've written in a couple of times as anon, but how about I label myself as bunnykookie96 from now onwards :D yes, I'm a 96-liner. may I ask what's your age too? ^^

The reference jungkook made to a ‘mark’ was a sexual innuendo because he got her pregnant haha ^^ and yay bunnykookie96! I am also a 96 liner~ my birthday is 12th of January!! :D

Anonymous said: IDC ABT Y/N RN WILL JIMIN MAKE IT AKSKSKKSKK PLEASE OH MY GOD I STILL NEED TO SEE THAT VMIN SIDE STORY

I PRAY THAT ALL YOUR WISHES COME TRUE GODBLESS

Anonymous said: im fucking having theories in my head right now loool but i cant put it into words i will wait for the next chapter to see if im right hoho and btw is this ending? :( i feel like im reading a book holy shit i dont want it to end :((

I can’t wait to see if your theories will come true!! And nope, not yet. There’s still a bit to go~ But I’m glad that you’re not getting bored of it! I was afraid that people might get bored of it because of the length of the series haha :( thank you so much for reading!

Anonymous said: HOW COULD YOU DO THAT JIMIN WHHHHHYYYY the tears currently streaming down my face could create a lake for him to relax in LIKE WHHHYYY DID U DO THIS TO ME WHY COULDNT YOU JUST TAKE ME INSTEAD he was so young so bright so precious just full of love I'm so sad WHY JIMIN!!! New drinking game!! Drink an entire bottle of wine everytime you cried during this chapter ☹️

Jimin you should have stayed out of it!! Take him? Where did he go? Who said he’s dead? ;o hehe~ thank you so much for reading the chapter my love ^^

Anonymous said: I just looked at a picture of Min Yoongi the love of my life and I? Got mad at him?? Like??? You asshole???? Why couldn't you just stay in the basement of your god damn mansion and let everyone live happily????? Like damn I had to remind myself that I'm not dating a vampire and Jimin didn't actually get stabbed and that I need to stop reading outside because I look crazy crying on a park bench THANKS SO MUCH SARA YOU REALLY STABBED ME IN THE HEART THERE

Awwwwh no! Don’t be like that~ that’s not how Yoongi is - I’m merely just using his image to fit a character that I made! Yoongi is a sweet person for sure :D hehe i’m sorry if I made you cry :( but i hope you enjoed the chapter nonetheless ^^ thank you so much!

Anonymous said: Omg ch 26 was brilliant! All I can think about is what's going to happen to y/n's unborn baby ahhhhhhh >.< my heart goes out to jungkookie, his biggest fear became true. I really loved this chapter and the loved the way you conveyed namjoon's struggles! On another not,I really admire you for updating on time! Thank youuuuu for writing an amazing story that contrary keeps us on our toes. I love it and hate it at the same time lol.

Thank you so much my love! that really means so much to me, you’re so, so sweet thank you so much *hugs* I really hope you’ll enjoy the rest of the story and I’m glad you liked this chapter ^^

@dont-hyuck said: Fuck I'm trying so hard not to ugly sob after this chapter ooooohhhhhh someone help ease my aching heart 😭😭😭😭💔💔 I hope everything ends up right at the end I am so attached to this story it is one of the most wonderful things I have ever read and I mean that with my entire being. Please don't ever stop writing I love you so much 😭😭😭😭💖💖💖💖💖💖

I was ugly sobbing while I was writing it haha :( I hope everything ends up all alright too! awwh thank you so much my love, you have no idea how much your words mean to me! I don’t ever plan on stopping so you don’t have to worry :3 thank you and I love you too my dear!!

[thegeminisage]

since i FINALLY finished the comic page im gonna make the poor choice of playing zelda ALL NIGHT get ready for The Longest Post which is full of Big Super Spoilers

since lynel thoroughly kicked my can last night i need defense food and preferably stronger weapons

i technically already had more than enough shock arrows to proceed but i wanna kill him!!!!

LMFAO I JUST COOKED SOMETHING THAT GIVES ME 21 EXTRA HEARTS...HOLY FUCK

okay but in all seriousness i only have like 3 defense things........

i guess i'll try it fuck i dont feel like scouring the world for ironshrooms rn

ok. slept on the bed to get my stamina wheel & 3 hearts, will use my 21 hearts when those run out, got 3 defense things for about 14m of defense, I Can Do This

really i wish i had a one-handed weapon, two-handers are so slow :/

well here we go again :|||

lol why does my heartrate always go up for shit like smh.....

getting better at dodging

ooh he hates my ice arrows

HAHAHA I MOUNTED HIM

maybe i can get a snapchat pic

YES i did i didn't attack him in that perfect moment but hey some thing are more important

NOOO FUCK I DIED

I FORGOT TO REFRESH MY DEFENSE ELIXIR BC I HAD GOTTEN UP AND FORGOT IT WAS ALMOST OUT

JESUS FUCK

im so fucking annoyed lmao i was so close

oh well at least now i can use that whole mount

aaand again

oh. im out of ice arrows.

YIKES i forgot to refresh my thing again just for a sec and almost died

YES i got a perfect dodge purely on accident NICE!!!!

i can see everything from shatterback point, even naydra, but im too scared to jump while the beast is down there

no yk what fuck it. im turning this paraglider around

first tho i really wanna wait to see if i can catch another rainbow...they were so pretty and i lost the other pics i took when i died ):

oh!!! there it is!!!!! and i was just about to give up

ah it last such a short time - but it comes at the same time every day, around 4:05

i'm sure it won;t appear here anymore after the divine beasts knocks it off with the water though, haha

okay.......time to dive

/saves first

AHAHAHA I DID IT

WOW THAT THING IS SO HUGE UP CLOSE BYE

i mean it didnt even move im just Scared. ok

duuude i gave the lynel pic to the lady and got swim pants?! FUCKING SICK where do i get a helm

okay time to go free the divine beast!!

haha wait i came out here without defense stuff. i didn't cook anymore

oh well yolo

or actually this is a game so i live as many times as i want #determination

i do still have some extra hearts left, and stamina, and some healing items, and even some electricity elixirs, sowow!! okay! still huge!!!!!

ah i love sidon so much

he tries so hard and he's so ready and he loves his people so dearly

i bet he's gonna die lol

if it's like, a sage thing, maybe he has to replace mipha if she really is gone

jesus please don't die sidon PLEASE

OH MY GOD I GET TO RIDE ON HIS BACK?

JFC THIS MUSIC IS SO COOL!!!! AAAAKDSHFGKLJ

OH MY GOD HE'S TALKING!!! IN THE FIGHT!!!!! IM CRYING THIS IS SO COOL SKDFHBG

oh my gos he's talking he's talking there's voice acting im literally dying i cant handle!!!!!! this!!!!!! i lvoe him so much

omg omg

dude that was SO cool

and link got to ride on his back and then say goodbye!!! and sidon BELIEVES in him!!!!!!!!!!

god i wish i had gotten the helm before i did this haha i looked up the location but i don't think i can back out now

MIPHA?

MIPHA IS TALKING TO ME??

I CAN HEAR MIPHA'S VOICE

I'M CRYING I KNEW SHE WAS STILL ALIVE

i feel like she's about to die like the old man like Move On but

to see her again!!!!!!! im so emotional

oh my god oh my god

no okay i can leave and i need a second too im gonna go get the helm

apparently theres a quest you can do that doesnt give you the helm but tells you where to find it? but i can do that later rn i just want complete armor

alright nice full set hell yeah

HOLY fuck i was paragliding back and i tried to paraglide over the divine beast and it fucking OBLITERATED ME jesus CHRIST

dude there are these absolutely freaky eyeball things you gotta shoot to get rid of gunk and the music gets all creepy near them lsdksjfgh

oh no i found the cockpit but it's all closed up...is her corpse in there? her ghost? oh my god it says the terminals are unactivated

i'll be honest im a BIT stuck here i hate to have to use a guide, but

NO wait oh my god my runes!!! dumbass

i can lift the bars lol

oh my god the CONTROLS are on???

I CAN MOVE IT?? HOLY SHIT

this map is fucking 3D a 3D map!!!! in the other games they were flat holy shit!!!!

i can even see it moving on the minimap!!! holy FUCK

LMAO i was trying to move this crank with stasis and all along i needed to use magnesis. jesus

uh the music got freaky as fuck after i did the first terminal??? no?? thank you????

LOL YOU GOTTA RIDE THE TRUNK oh my god. oh my god.jesus christ

i am so small. it is so big. oh my god

I FEEL UNSAFE!

who is the boss of this dungeon? there's gotta be a boss

don't tell me i fight it

or the undead mipha

jesus god

i have had to ride this trunk 3 times now and i am not at all comfortable

reminds me of the big windmill in mirror's edge

okay yep i did all the terminals and now the music is downright terrifying!!! nice good Okay

HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT BLUE LIGHT

MIPHA?

NOT MIPHA!!!

"my demise 100 years ago" is she Really gone

omg no mipahs talking to me as i fight!!!

im straight up gonna look up what to do im too weak and defense-potionless to do this the hard way

ooh motherfucker doesnt like my shock arrows and lynel bow ahaha

huh that was actually like SUPER easy compared to some of the other stuff i've done

eeeewwwwww

MIPHA? ARE YOU ALIVE OR DEAD IN THERE? oh god oh god

holy fuck

i straight up just cried

she's a spirit and i thought she was gonna like, move on? which is sad enough

but no she's hanging around to pilot the divine beast from the afterlife

she even talked to it i was so sad it's been her only companion for a century of course she fucking talks to it

and i was staying strong!!! i was!!!!!

but she talked about how she wished she could see her dad again and i cried lmao why does this game give me dad feels of all things

i hope she gets to see her dad one more time too i'm so sad she's really dead and not alive like link

jesus fuck

oooh dorephan's talking about the master sword...gimme gimme gimme!!!

aww he was nice to sidon as everyone should be!!!!

holy shit he's really big?? i didn't realize it but he's like twice link's height JESUS

man. i am fucking wrecked lol

time to...explore...the rest of the province...i guess

i got a trident but i can never use it bc it will break. it was mipha's!!!!

on the other hand all three pieces of armor, my shield, weapon, AND bow are all zora themed i took a pic of myself to remember it by lol bc they will all break

i wonder where i should go after this...?

my brother went up to death mountain but i kinda want to do something different so we have something to tell each other about

but i kinda want to do the same so we don't spoil each other

i also REALLY wanna do the southeastmost province for some reason, all that water

tbh tho im getting ahead of myself i still have lots of this left to cover

it's getting harder to tell where i've already been, haha - when the things had borders and there was less visible that was easier

ooooh mipha's ability brings me back from death and she speaks briefly to me ;_; and it's active again in 23 minutes nice!

so i guess each champion gives you a different one and you can chose which to have active but tbh this one seems like it's gonna be the most helpful already

aww i did a little quest in kakariko to root out a theif and i love the way they built up dorian's past that's so cool

i think i was supposed to be able to pick up that yiga dude's sword tho and it glitched on me bc i was too fast :/

ugh i'm doing this oen shrine puzzle where you have to mount a male deer

and i finally mounted one after losing 10000 times and it was past some hills it wouldn't climb down

every time i find one thats close enough they fucking bolt im so fed up :|

and my sheikah sensor isn't picking up any more so i must have literally scared away all of them. fantastic. what a huge waste of time!! guess i will go somewhere else!

also can't solve the puzzle on how to open the shrine at veiled falls so im just batting a thousand today so much for sidequesting tbqh

FOUND A BLUE MANED LYNEL

SO MUCH NOPE

urgh and a blue hinox

exploring might not be worth my time either tbh

yeah no that's two shrines i haven't been able to open and this has stopped being fun, got one more ridge to explore before im done with this province - and some weird islands waaaay out there too but idk if i can get to them yet, and i'd just as soon wait until i unlocked the one next to them

yyyeah looking at them from here it makes much more sense to explore them when i get to that province

at least im all done with this one!! still plenty of sidequests and stuff, but those i can come back t more easily...it's harder to remember which terrain i have and haven't covered when i don't do it like this

i was thinking about how big the divine beast was when i saw it in the distance and

this sounds nuts but i bet im right - what if that flying island thing is a divine beast. WHAT IF

and that is The Day's Liveblog, more tomorrow, except probably not much bc of stream

[vampmilf]

ALRIGHT THIS IS GONNA BE A PERSONAL RANT ABT STUPID STUFF 

theres several things that reeeeally piss me off rn

a) everything

b) im literally 24/7 annoyed, stressed out and pissed at everything, no matter how ridiculous and stupid the reason. cloud in the sky - annoyed af. text message makes my phone buzz - shut tf up. single drop of rain lands on my face - wtf is this shit. idk why but im constantly on edge and pissed abt everything. and the worst??? im so pissed abt being pissed that i get even more pissed at being so pissed all the time. aaaarrrgghhhh

c) i seem physically unable to just chill tf out. not even sport works? usually when i go ice skating for 2 hrs im relaxed and happy when i go home. last monday they were open for 4 hrs but i was just still so frustrated idek man, i went home and had sore muscles but i was STILL on edge. its so annoying.

d) i feel like my moods just been dropping constantly ever since the ED clinic declined me. bc im “not stable enough” well guess what bitch, i was trying to get into a clinic program to GET more stable. but ok, fuck you too, i guess?? i was just so looking forward to it and i guess i had my hopes up too high for that goal and when it didnt work i just ... didnt have a clear goal? does that make sense? i had the hospitalization as a goal point for spring and then it didnt work and i was like “um ok lol so what do i do now ...” and idk. its just so frustrating to hear that you cant get the thing youre trying to get to get better. and especially bc like ... i kind of had it fixed in my mind that i could go to clinic in late spring or summer, and then get back on track and start work or an apprenticeship in autumn and now im told i have to go to a borderline clinic for impulse control and THEN go to ED clinic and well if i do both it will cost me AT LEAST til winter which means ill have to wait another year to start apprenticeship and can only do it in 2018. i know that ofc health is important but honestly how does anyone expect me to find a job with three years of nothing?? and if i tell a future boss i did three years of clinic and therapy to suppress the urge to kill myself i sure as hell wont get a job lmao. and the job market does get any better either, its getting worse every month, if i wait too long i wont get a job like ... ever. i feel like i have the choices of 1) get healthy and stable, then fail to get a proper job, get super depressed bc im a failure, kill myself in 2 years max 2) get back to job life as soon as possible, be overwhelmed with everything and kill myself in 2 years max wow thats just ... great. insert the whatsapp hand clapping emoji bc i dont have that on my keyboard

bonus point: 

e) i was scared to live completely on my own bc then i would have nobody to watch over me as in; watch out for me to not cross any borders and do whatever the fuck i want. ive had my own place since september and my fear has proven justified. ive only ever cut in places i could easily hide so my mom, sisters, or dad wouldnt see, thighs, upper arms, hips, ribs. this winter i didnt have to hide anything and i didnt give any shits. i cut a lot on my arm, landed myself in he emergency room almost every second week and like. didnt matter. i was wearing long sleeves anyway. i saw my fam like once or twice a week only for a few hrs and my best friend i didnt have to hide it from bc she knows that shit herself and desnt judge me a bit for it. but ... i didnt care at all and now, NOW that summer is arriving im super hyped for summer bc i love everything coming to life, but .... yeah, what am i gonna do abt my arm? its not exactly subtle and if this summer is gonna be anywhere near as hot as last summer, its gonna be super obvious if i wear long sleeves. and ill probably die of heat stroke too. neither my dad nor my sisters have ever seen my self harm scars. hell, my dad asked me last summer really concerned if a scratch from a fence was a self harm scab. the scar from that faded within a few months, my sh scars are huge, theyre stitched, theyre stretched, theyre uneven and stick out, theyre ugly afs fuck. i feel nauseous even thinking abt their LOOKS, i dont want to have to explain or justify or idk just even talk abt it. i dont want them to see. and i hate hate HATE myself so much for not giving any shits abt it during winter bc now ill have to pay the bill and somehow figure out how to deal with it. it sucks. honestly i would very seriously rather cut off my arm and explain THAT rather than the scars. i hate myself so much for this and im so disgusted at the fucked up way of thinking i have bc im just so messed up and gross and disgusting idk what the FUCK is wrong with that.

yeah anyway i picked up a weak bee today and put it on a flower today, which i hope helped it a bit and it lifted my todays mood. thats all. 

[survivormuxloe]

Episode #4: “I said I was ready to flip but is there even any room to flip?” -Rhys

Okay so, a few things to go over.

Tribal went swimmingly once again. Although I was worried of a potential idol play AND a potential tie, Jose went home. Not necessarily the GREATEST move for my game since I got along with him more than Mo, but it's not that big of a deal.

On the other hand of the spectrum...TRIBE SWAP AND I COULDN'T BE MORE STOKED for it. Myself, Mo, Felix and Ahrre hold the majority on Merica with Wes looking in. I'm hoping we can pull off a win at the immunity challenge anyways cuz IT'D BE NICE TO FRIGGIN WIN FOR ONCE, LOL. But if we lose, it wouldn't be too big of a deal.

o no bby... i've been separated from my other half </3 but i'm here for a switch up.... i love that there are 3 tribes now and the swap was very mixed up, like every tribe has a unique dynamic so i'm v intrigued. my tribe has 4 from og Sewyn with me, Rhys, Jones, Madison along with Tobi as the lone og Mercia hmmmm. hm. Tobi is not a stranger to me so that is a door that is open... I haven't talked with Madison at all yet oops, and only a little bit with Jones. Honestly a lil nervous about what will happen and bihhh SO happy i have an idol that no one here knows about.... i'm definitely ready to get this game shaking whewwwww

SOOOOO WE JUST GOT SWAPPED... FUCK!!! MY!!!! LIFE!!! LIKE THIS HAPPENED WHILE I WAS DOING MY FUCKING TAR LEG.. LET ME TELL U.

LIKE.. RYAN IS STUCK WITH THE FUCKING JONES/MADISON PAIR... IM STUCK WITH THE LINUS/MALIK PAIR WHO IDK IF THEYRE GUNNA KEEP ME.. and michael and danielle like who.. aLMFJBFg. like im gonna be fine with a social game w/ michael but idk how imgunna talk to danielle.. she seems kinda gamebotty and she messaged me IMMEDIATELY to say heyy and im like.. chill out sis

ughghghghghghghg im actually gonna kill myslef but ive been through worse.. i just hope that ryan/rhys keep themselves safe ):

I MADE IIIIIIIIIIIIT WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EVEN THOUGH I HAD TO VOTE OUT MY CLOSEST ALLY TO SAVE MY OWN ASS I COULDNT EVEN TALK TO HIM BECAUSE I FELT SO GUILTY. Second tribal in a row where my name was read, I just wanna he immune and not have Anna read my name that would be fucking phenomenal. It’s pizza night and I got a fucking blister from pebble stuck in my sock so my toe hurts but we got cheesy breadsticks so it’s all good.

Of course I’m in a tribe with 3 people I didn’t talk with. And tobi. I said I was ready to flip but is there even any room to flip 🙄.

So like... this swap... haha... im the only one from my old tribe in the new sweyn.. haha... love getting swapfucked haha... but like lowkey i think i can work this out so like ryan already came to me and said he wanted to work together which is AWESOME (if he's telling the truth that is) because we have played together in the past (but like... i blindsided him... so not such good history..) and like i think i can work on jones too (we literally played an org prior to this together... i voted her out too...) so maybe im okay??? okay so this might be totally like... completely off.. but madisin (medicine?) said she was gone for 5 hours and like... idk it could be an indication that she might be a more inactive player compared to most and I could possibly use that to my advantage to find a crack but like idk I feel like there's a big chance im gonna be unbelievably swap fucked and im not gonna get to merge but all i can do is try my best in these immunity challenges (but not too good hehe) so that i can avoid tribal council

Hi I have more than one thing happening so I’ll sum up the smaller things in bullet points then go on my paragraph long rants: - Jose got voted out and I’m sad I hope he wins fan favorite - two of my favorite people irl, Mo and Madison, BOTH have strikes and I’m sad :c Time for the rants: SO I think the most important thing that happened was a tribe swap? And it’s like,,a double edged sword Bc I’m on a majority tribe with it sweyn, BUT a good ally of mine, Scott/Scoots/Scooty was SWITCHED onto another tribe and that makes me sad :c he has all my castle info, and I have all his and we were working well together :c at least he’s on a sweyn majority tribe NOW ON THE OTHER HAND in Scooty’s place,,,Tobi joins the tribe!! Which is honestly really great when it comes to being friends, but like,, game wise tobi is so scary. I’m obviously not gonna rely everything I do based on what happens in previous orgs, but scooty said he plays the same way a lot. So that could be messy/lying constantly as far as I know. I don’t want to vote him out yet though, so hopefully we can keep winning immunity and keep him safe? I’d hope? BUT If we do go to tribal council, I think my first vote would go to Madison. I love her to death outside of this game and she does really well in orgs, but I know she’s not mentally in it rn to put her heart into it. BUT she did give me an idol clue!! Which is always great, but she hasn’t really put a lot of effort into everything else challenge wise so I feel like she’d be pretty expendable if that makes sense. I think right now the most exciting thing for me right now though is just the fact that I, for ONCE, have options. Which is GREAT and that’s all I have to worry about. Wish Sweyn luck in the live tribal!!

FUCK ME. Damn luck has not been in my side this game damn so now it’s 3 vs 2 and I’m in the seeming minority so my best move right now is to turn it the fuck up and be a social butterfly make the connections and hopefully make it further along or at the very least make them go after dani first. I’m also gonna try my bestest to find the idol so hopefully me and dani can make it further.

Okay so I already feel closer to Toby that everyone else on my tribe what. Legit talked to him for 2 hours but had more of a conversation with him then, compared to everyone else On my tribe.

don’t know if I ever put it in but when I first got on the swapped tribe, I thought I was likely alright! I got Scott and Linus on my tribe, and the lovely big tuna. So to me it’d make sense to gun for Michael to go, but he’s kinda nice so idk if I want to try that. And then earlier I was one post away from giving us immunity, and I feel bad that I couldn’t do that. I just hope I don’t go home for this or anything.

Okay. So the challenge starts yeah. Everyone is here besides madisin. Not surprised she’s never here. But wait, didn’t you message Ryan and Jones. Oh they left me on read. Can’t say I’m surprised.

Madison and Jones completely fuck that challenge. Then me and Ryan go out consecutively at 9th and 8th. Like fuck. I want Tobi to be safe. I don’t want him going home.

Somehow this fucking legend pulled something out of his ass and he slayed the other tribes cause fuck. He won immunity and reward.

Yet to know the reward. But Tobi made it seem like he didn’t want to go to tribal. Fair enough, reasonable. But it was him sounding like he didn’t want to loose someone in the tribe. Maybe that’s me being paranoid as fuck but it makes me wonder if my tribe r active and just don’t talk to me. So hmmm let’s hope I’m not being silly and blind

OMG IT FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD TO WIN IMMUNITY FINALLY. I'm so proud of my boy Felix for coming clutch for our tribe. If we had lost, I'm pretty sure Wes would've been gone, no question. But I'm glad to finally be safe for once.

Linus quits.

[survivorathena-allstars]

Episode #11: “I Love a Good Heist” ~ Will

It fucking worked and I want to redact everything bad I just said.

i'm none of them saying anything to me yet and I'm also me not seeing this coming when Will was all of a sudden not in favor of the telling duncan to idol plan lmaoooo gg

is no one going to message me!! i am so freaking upset right now and i kinda just want to explode but really no one is going to try to justify themselves to me, i'm a little disappointed tbh and i got to learn how to win a fucking immunity for once 

AMANDA AND HER MOTHER ARE ICONS I JUST GOT MY SECOND IDOL, I DO NOT DESERVE THIS

I'm so mad right now I want to SCREAM, why the HECK did I get that many votes, something isn't adding up and I'm just so frustrated. Also who made me the glee parchment, if you're reading this TELL ME it was the only thing good about tonight I am really just SO DONE WITH ALL THESE SNAKES. I'm being so extra right now but these people make me want to throw my laptop into the road. 

Cameron told Emily to vote Duncan :) We love a snake within our alliance :) I love a good heist :)

emily is a queen again btw, I love her

i don't know why i'm so salty

HOLY CRAP WE DID THAT! Duncan didn't play his idol and I'm literally crying. We killed one of the biggest threats in the game. And I was behind it. What. the. fuck.

fskhjf god the lady at the dining hall asked me how i was and on the outside i was like "good" but on the inside im like "playing virtual editions ofr trash reality shows on the internet with strangers I have never met has left me feeling like i want to cry bc ppl lied to me have u ever been lied to how did u get over it and also can i please have some chicken nuggets" jesus and then someone talked to me and i didnt know how to respond bc i was having an EPISODE in the dining hall it's fine this is fine ________________________________________________________________ let the ass kissing begin

I'm gonna confess tomorrow, but I have become aware.... of some shady stuff, and am now in a really good spot... or at least I think I am

OH MY GAWD NO IDOL PLAY. ARE YOU MCFUCKIN KIDDING ME!? I dont want to say that I am large in part why Duncan is @ Ponderosa right now BUT WIG WOW IS THIS THE BIGGEST MOVE IVE EVER MADE IN A GAME OR WHAT. ALSO i'm here for weasel discourse: [1/11/18, 10:48:07 PM] Dana Barry: because clearly we both bein sneaky weasels [1/11/18, 10:48:54 PM] Owen (Crossroads Host): kfashj who the bigger weasel [1/11/18, 10:49:01 PM] Dana Barry: OWEN PLEASE [1/11/18, 10:49:12 PM] Dana Barry: LETS NOT COMPARE WEASEL SIZES [1/11/18, 10:49:15 PM] Owen (Crossroads Host): OMFG [1/11/18, 11:12:14 PM] Owen (Crossroads Host): I’m gonna go eat now I’ll be back later [1/11/18, 11:31:53 PM] Dana Barry: pls eat my weasel friend ________________________________________________________________ https://vine.co/v/hWVwWE6UFqa/embed/simple Me when the people of this game give my dumb ass power and I crave more because I'm a goblin. 

This was recorded before the vote im SORRY im a flop 

It's time to strike at Owen. He's onto us. We're making big moves left and right, and he knows that we're going to get targeted as threats soon if we're not careful. He said we have to get rid of Ruthie and Kevin, otherwise people are going to start thinking about taking them to the end. Of course, that's my plan. I think I want to sit with Ruthie and Ali/Dana at the end. Will, Emily, or Owen would surely beat me. I'm here, masterminding moves, deciding whether or not someone easy goes home, and someone is going to target me soon. My idol can only save me for one round, and I need to make sure it's a good one. Lily was a good move. Duncan was a better move. Owen could potentially be the best move. Then I know my core four is completely loyal to me and only me. This is my ideal boot list now: Owen (10th) Ashvika (9th) Kevin (8th) Zach (7th) Emily (6th) Will (5th) Dana (4th) And then a final three of Ruthie (3rd), Ali (2nd), and myself (1st!) That's all. Love you. It's time for me to go focus on winning again.

Boy I'm mad. Duncan was the one person who I could put some trust in--and even then there wasn't much--and now he's dead. Now I feel like my game's already gone through the gutter and there's no hope left. Shoutout to Ali and Cameron specifically for both telling me "Oh yeah I'm sorry for not keeping you in the loop at the first vote, I promise I'll do it this time?" Then, what did they do? Not that. I'm...mediocrely okay with Ali because like Ali's nice and a sweetheart (actually I'm kinda mad at Ali because I pm'd him asking what happened like immediately after tribal and he never responded even though he's talked multiple times in the tribe chat...wig). But Cameron??? This is the third time. We've voted together once, at the Madison tribal, even though you've told me multiple times you want to work with me. I was okay with being 'left in the dark' with the Lily vote because I wasn't actually in the dark. I feel like this was a chance for him to prove his word to me, that you do want to work with me. This was the chance to make or break my trust. And both times I've come to him before the vote and he's basically said 'oh yeah it's still this way like we said haha.' And then??? It isn't lmao. Like if you don't want to work with me, cool! I understand that the game rolls out that way! But don't come to me with fake promises then, saying you want to work with me, only to actually vote with me 3/4 times. At some point no amount of apologies will make up for your actions. I don't know if I've reached that breaking point, but it's getting close. I get that I started the merge on the wrong foot, and that I should've voted Lily instead and sticking with Ruthie was a mistake. I know I got myself into this mess but I'm just annoyed and frustrated. I've been perfectly honest with everyone about who I'm voting for each round, and I get silence and vague responses in return. If I feel mad enough tomorrow I might try going for Cameron since he has an idol. Or at least like throwing his name around and spilling that fact. But who knows who knows he has an idol though. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, I might get home which I honestly wouldn't be super upset at this point and I would get to be a bitter juror too! 

I love Dana

I am an Owen stan again too, I love him. I need to confess more, because it might be big move season this round, but I also don't knowwwwwww. AHH, I hate this yikes. I just get scared by Dana/Will/Cameron as a grouping, with Zach and Ruthie is already 5, which is scary

i have realized i'm quite irrelevant in this game and basically out of the loop without duncan because all these supposed idols that everyone has keep popping up left and right. i feel like my time is coming soon 

"Who do you trust the least" "Who is most likely to flip on their alliance" "Who is ruining their own game" "Who is at the bottom but doesn't know it" "Who is going to go home for being the biggest threat" "Who is going to be blindsided by their alliance" literally they wish they were as relevant as me huh ________________________________________________________________ Actually though, I am going to make sure every one of these comes true. Let's see here.... "Who do you trust the least" "Who is most likely to flip on their alliance" "Who is ruining their own game" "Who is at the bottom but doesn't know it" "Who is going to go home for being the biggest threat" "Who is going to be blindsided by their alliance" Flipping on my alliance? Easy. If they insist, that's what I'll do. I will reallllly make it clear that they were right in trusting me the least :) And! They'd better hope! They take me out! For being a "threat" because if they do NOT, I am going to make sure each and everyone one of them is GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They better not feel comfortable for even one second bc if there's one good thing to come out of this, it's that I no longer feel comfortable at all and hopefully me playing on edge will end up better for me. I just had an hour long call with Ali and we basically like....discussed everything. I don't know if I can trust him, but I sure as hell can't trust my alliance to take me to the end, so what have I got to lose? I told him I know about his idol, which I think was a move to hopefully get him to open up to me. And he told me that the merge idol has been taken from the shore. I'm assuming Emily, Ashvika, Cameron, or Ruthie have it bc they searched there before Ali. Ashvika I straight up asked and she said no.... I have a bad feeling Cameron is sitting on two idols rn and I don't know if I can handle it. But I was like.... idk I said a lot of things to Ali and I meant them. He said he felt like he didnt have a number one, and I told him we could be there for each other. He has a spot in my final three now whether he believes it or not and I would gladly sit at the end with him at this point. But we need numbers and we need a play. It feels so soon to try to flip on will dana Cameron but like..... If we wait until next vote to idol someone out, and Ruthie/Zach are glued to them, then at final 8 it would be four on each side (assuming I can get emily and ashvika to be with ali and I, and Kevin leaves at 10 which idek if it is happening). So that makes me think like....okay so maybe a move needs to happen at 10 that puts Kevin, Emily, Ali, Ashvika and I in a majority? But it's so fricking risky bc idk if they're going to come after me or come after Kevin or Emily or....idk. It's going to be rough as hell. But I'm ready. I don't know if I'm going to win this season, but I sure am going to try my hardest to change it. ________________________________________________________________ (On the other hand I love Dana, Wil, Cameron, and Zach as people so idk I'm stressin mad rn.)

Here's my long confessional like always explaining the events of last round and then the progress for this current round. So last round was just a mess. I brought up to Dana the night of immunity results (congrats Will you freak) that Duncan is a threat. He has an immunity idol and a hideout advantage, if we don't do it at 11, he'll be free till technically final 8 without being targeted. In addition, it limits our options down the line. Dana agreed and said it wasn't bad, and ended up running to people with this idea without crediting me. Grrr. It's fine. Dana, Will, Cameron all excluded Owen in this plan and I believe think they orchestrated it themselves when in reality it was kind of my idea but they pushed it forward so it's whatever. I called Emily in panic because I didn't want to exclude her and little do I know that Cameron already informed her of the decision before I finalized mine. In the end, Duncan leaves 8-3. Post-vote, I am trying to reestablish any trust I have with Ashvika. I can sense she doesn't trust me which is completely reasonable and fine, but I am wanting to work with her. Kevin is irrelevant but I want to talk to him and form a good connection with him. Now, this vote. Cameron was my target. Will talked about how he wanted Cameron out to Dana who obviously relayed that information to me, and I think Owen was fine with doing it too. I am also trying to formulate connections with Owen despite the fact that he knows I blatantly lied about the Duncan vote and all. However, Cameron won immunity, so good job to him. This means that my target probably shifts to one of two people. First is Kevin. He's kind of an easy vote, a person who wasn't really around and is definitely the most inactive. If we need an easy tribal, it's him. Ruthie's another easy vote but right now is not her time and I genuinely love her, but I do enjoy everyone so I can't use that. I'm not sure how likely this option is. I think I could get it rolling if need be. My second is Ali. This is just because recently i've felt really distant with him. I think I can trust him, yeah, but from what I know Owen is fine with him leaving and it's like... yeah. I think Ali should go relatively soon. If the votes are on him i'm most definitely going to vote him out unless i'm frightened of an idol play. I am honestly kind of scared of the alliance consisting of Cameron/Will/Owen/Dana + Ali. It's like... they're turning on each other briefly. Cameron is rubbing people the wrong way, which I love him and all truthfully, but he is kind of aggressive with dominating votes and spearheading decisions, which I think is ending up biting him in the ass. I truly think he'll be one of the next couple of votes. Ali is like the alliance's +1 so if they can vote him out, i'm down with that too. Ashvika, Emily, Ruthie, and Kevin are kind of on the outs of that alliance (with me of course) but more distant than myself. I need to utilize those bonds to kind of renege the major alliance cause I don't feel like being cut near the end. No ma'am. So having Ali leave this vote, then Cameron next vote, followed by Kevin leaves a final 7 of Ashvika/Ruthie/Owen/Zach/Dana/Will/Emily. In this scenario it's like... it gets hard. I want to work with Emily, but there are so many people here that are such strong contenders. Owen, Dana, Will and Emily are all phenomenal players, and i'd love to consider myself amongst those people too (PARTICULARLY IN THIS GAME! NOTICE THAT I LOVE THEM ALL AND THINK THEY'RE ALL GREAT BUT IN THIS SPECIFIC GAME THAT'S MY VIEW ON STANDINGS). I don't want to be goated, which I potentially could be since i'm acting weird and dull this game, so maybe I could swap Kevin in the final seven and drop another big threat, like Ashvika or Owen. The people who I trust the most right now are Dana and Emily. I trust Owen to an extent, and I really like talking to him. Ashvika and Kevin and Ruthie are just meh, I don't trust them. Cameron is to a degree but he's sketchy. Will is just... ugh MSDGLKDSG I love him I think he's so funny but he probably hates me. Ali is trustworthy but I feel like that's relative amongst all. I really don't know who i'd like to sit against in the final three (or two but likely three). I've reached my goal of jury and 100 days so i'm content, but I want to win. I think my best chances would be against Ruthie and Kevin, but I don't know. Dana needs to go soon too. Like, maybe final 4-7 is when i'd love to see her leave because I bet everyone views me as her bitch and sure, I kind of am at the moment, but that's partially strategy. Everyone thinks i'm her +1 so to those that like her, i'm safe. They know they can use me. Then to others, i'm the weaker of the two and therefore they have no valid reason to target me unless they want to weaken her, in which case bye bye. This game is so complicated and votes are NEVER decided until last minute which is bothersome but kind of fun. I think I have a high chance of leaving at this upcoming tribal truly, or at least receiving votes, so i'm excited to see what's to come. Hopefully i'm still here but if now, it's been a great season and i'm glad I got the chance to return and hopefully make y'alls slightly proud wooh!

Okay lots to confess I wish I confessed earlier in the round so I wouldn't have so much to recount. So anyways, the Duncan vote happens, and it still makes me sad. I will never understand why he felt so betrayed by me and kinda continued to throw my name out there because I wanted to go far with him. Also I called with Emily after the vote and I already knew at this point she leaked me idol (which Emily *why*). I dont understand why everyone felt so betrayed by me, when I was trying to loop everyone in? It doesn't make any sense. Anyway, I called with her and we seem good again, and I do want to work with her moving forwards. ________________________________________________________________ I spoke with Ashvika and explained why I voted Duncan, and I think she is the person I wanna work with most now, like Id love to go far with her, because I am an Ashvika stan. Touchy Subjects was very interesting, Will guessed me for a lot of the negative game ones which suggests he doesn't have much faith in my game and I got who does everything think has an idol, blind to manipulation, who is gonna need to be apologised to, who is getting blindsided. Lots of very scary ones. So... I'm nervous. I'm also nervous becuase I called with Owen yesterday, and as normal, I said waaay too much to Owen, and while I wanna work with him going forwards, I also think he could easily say what I said to LWD and get me out. ALSO IN OTHER MC'FREAKIN NEWS: I HAVE ANOTHER IDOL. AND NOBODY IS EVER FINDING OUT. I am using the fact that everyone says I leak stuff (because I do) and "leaking" that shore 23 is empty, so that nobody thinks I have it. I wanna use the other idol soon, so nobody thinks I have one teehee

Okay the gag is Duncan and I apparently got found out or were suspected or something so congrats to them for sleuthing successfully but also according to Ali people thought Ashvika and I were close??? Which??? Isn't true??? I hardly even know her??? sjlks Anyways I love these Touchy Subjects answers they make me feel really good about myself. I basically threw the challenge because I didn't feel like I had a good chance of winning anyway, and I'm not really in the position to offend anyone lmao which is evident by the answers. Apparently people trust me the least even tho...I've told pretty much everyone who I'm voting for in the last round. On an exciting note people want to vote for me tonight! At this point just take me out of the game and catapult me into the sun. I'm ready for it. The one person I wanted out of this game won immunity so. I don't know what my plans are but accepting death seems like a good idea right now.

This jury is literally gonna be pissed at everyone so I need to start doing whatever I can to make them think we're close, that we're friends. I'll talk to Kevin about Netflix, I'll tell Ashvika she's a queen, I'll give Owen a backrub idgaf but I need to make sure Cameron looks worse than I do. None of them think Ali's done anything, and Dana...they think she's cracked too. The only person I'm okay with beating me is Dana and that's that.

Something good happening at tribal council? For once there's even a possibility. After chatting with Owen we're trying to start something. Him Ashvika and I all voted for Ruthie last round, so if we stick together that's 3, and we're hoping for at least 5. Our best bets are Emily and Ali. I have no idea if this has a shot of working tbh but I feel like tonight's all or nothing. Unfortunately we can't get Cameron. I tossed around Dana or Zach's names to Owen but like, whoever Ali and Emily (or whoever we can get) want to vote, we'll vote. I don't know how solid the majority alliance is, or who's in cahoots with who, so this is a very...fragile, could-break-at-any-moment plan. If there's any way of convincing these two, the Touchy Subjects answers show that they're not safe if they stick with that side. Time to actually talk to them though and see what's up tho ahhhh ________________________________________________________________ I told Ali Duncan said Dana said Cameron had an idol. Ali revealed that he voted for Duncan because he was telling people Ali told him about the idol. Ali then said to me "I knew he was covering for someone it must be Dana." The gag is I honestly don't know if it was actually Dana skdkdkf I remember her name in the conversation we had but like??? But if it convinces Ali then it works for now

Why did I put Owen to be blindsided by his alliancE? bc I’m his alliance And I’m gonna blindside him

So Owen voted for me not Emily hmmm Maybe he was the one that made the pretty glee voting thing What’s that paper called again? Omg yes parchment 

I’m really scared for this tribal. Owen, Ali, and I have made an alliance and are talking about voting with Kevin and possibly Ashvika. I want to pull in Zach and maybe Dana, but the problem is,,,,, Owen and Ali and Kevin want to vote Dana. I want Dana to stay. I don’t know why. I think I’m just bein gay. I want Will out tbh. And I would’ve wanted Cameron if he wasn’t fucking immune but NO of course I have to be HORRIBLE at tie breakers!!! I’m really shocked by some of the things I got in touchy subjects like wtf man. You’ll enjoy voting me out? You wish you had gotten me out pre-merge? You have to apologize to me after this game? Interesting. This is one of those Touchy Subjects results that I realy wanna take notes about. Usually I don’t take them too seriously but I’m #offended. Ugh I really want to work with Zach but I’m scared of Dana and him being a duo sort of like how Lily and I were a duo I guess? Ugh. I don’t know how to like,,,,, get around that. There’s a lot to figure out about this vote. But I think we can get something going. All I know is that I’m not really feeling like voting for Kevin tonight. ;-) we’ll see what happens

I am LITERALLY a rat and I feel guilty but if this works out then it's fine. I'm fine. Everything will be fine. I need to keep people in this game around me and I'm gonna take heat for it and Cameron might idol me out but like....oh well. ________________________________________________________________ Basically the pieces came together, Emily Ali and I made a chat and we all like fkshd worked on getting Kevin and Ashvika on board. Emily thought she could play a vote negator to make it 5-4 but she cant use it yet SO instead I was like ok I'll try to get them to split the votes somehow and both Will and Dana suggested it anyways kfadsjh lmao so hopefully it's like..... 5-3-2 tonight. I wanted it to be Dana at first bc if it does somehow tie 5-5 I felt like Ruthie would flip and vote Dana but not Will, but maybe now Zach would flip and vote for Will idk probably not. Also I still love Will :'( this game will feel weird without him but he's a huge threat. So is Cameron and Dana tbh like everyone is lowkey trying to press their own agenda and I think they're getting weary of one another but....idk. I feel like I need to do this now bc it'll be me actually taking things into my own hands rather than Kevin leaving and me relying on dana or will wanting Cameron out whenever they decide. I wish Will didn't have to go and if this all blows up on me then fine but like...yeah. god. ppl are gonna be upset with me, wigs all around ! ________________________________________________________________ THE ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER IS CRYING BUT THE DEVIL ON MY SHOULDER IS LAUGHING im so ugly i cant wait for this to go wrong and then ppl laugh at me for being an idiot when they read my confessionals after ________________________________________________________________ Lowkey it seemed too easy to get will and dana to want to split the vote and now Ali has disappeared too? I feel like Ali spilled and now theyre all just gonna vote for me but if thats the case then oh well I was never gonna win without trying to get trust in people

STOP STRESSING ME THE FUCK OUT good bye dana barry .

Finally a vote where I know what’s happening and the people that control everything... don’t. I’m excited! My first blindside where I’m on the like... right end? Wow. I love taking matters into my own hands. Will made an Azores alliance and I feel HORRIBLE because I’m voting him out this round lmao. And Cameron made an alliance with Will and Cameron and I just GOD at his is going to be hard because I could be ruining some potential allies... but also... who cares? I’m making a move, y’all! If it doesn’t work out, then so be it. But I’m putting my trust into Owen, Ali, Ashvika, Kevin... people that I really didn’t expect to work with all together but I’m thankful nonetheless. I’m also thinking this group of five is good because Kevin, Ashvika, and Ali will be easier to beat in the end? I think? Idk. I’m trying to think ahead as much as I can, and weakening Cameron & Co. is the first step to that. I feel guilty but this is what I have to do to win. It’s All Stars, Emily! ALL STARS! GET UR HEAD IN THE GAME!

I made an alliance with Will and Emily. I want Will to think he's my #1. He's not. I told them we're winning. We're not. Well... they're not. me: this alliance is winning Me: knows that neither of these two can make it to the end

Kevin is voting me yikes.com. I'm getting idoled out yall and it has been fun. Ashvika and Kevin have idols and I get majority = HELP ME PLEASE AMERICA. I'm on call with ASHVIKA and she says THEY ARE VOTING OUT WILL. WHAT DO I DO PLEASE. AND APPARENTLY IF THEY DONT VOTE FOR WILL THEY ARE VOTING FOR ME. If this is all a scare tactic.... it sure is working!!!! More to come later I have 20 minutes to entirely flip this vote ladies. Mama IS staying tonight know that!

OKAY SO! I voted for Ashvika. Why? Well, two or three reasons. 1. I've voted in the majority. Every time. I can't do that. I will become a target and I want to look like I'm being bobo the fool. 2. If someone (Ashvika) plays an idol on Kevin, it burns her. Also, it protects us (Me, Ali, Dana, Will, but the latter 3 because I'm safe) in the event that someone does idol Kevin. Also, I'm so glad I won immunity. It's a bad time for me personally and this made everything easier. Thank you, survivor gods. Thank you.

kevin and ashvika couldnt keep their mouths shut and now I'm getting idoled out. it's been real xoxoxo

I'm literally about to go home, but at least if I do I was able to crack the code and see it coming first. Kinda like Margaery in GoT, she saw it coming but she was just a little too late to stop it. ________________________________________________________________ Well I mean like I called it so y'all aren't as slick as you thought, there just really wasn't anything I could do. I got outplayed by snakes who were willing to throw away the last ounces of respect I had for them, but like I would've done the same and just been more respectful about it. And if you think writing "I hope it's a tie" in your voting confessional absolves you of anything you gotta like...use your brain sorry, if you don't want someone to go home you don't vote for them - it's not that hard! But it's been a fun game and this isn't the last of me (sorry if you wanted it to be). Cast me in your games more often I'm fun!!! xoxo

Will becomes the 11th person voted out of Athena All Stars in a 5-3-2 vote, and the 3rd member of our jury. You can see Will’s preseason interview here.

[agent-kentauris]

d194-199

some of these days are reposted but, um. im really tired RN and i also edited a bunch of these and they are allpart of the same thing (rome museum mission) so...sorry!

-------------------------

Thursday, 3/20/2008, 16:50

Museum of Art

Rome

-------------------------

Getting a hold of my new PDA took an hour; sweeping the museum took a couple more. Fast-talking my way past a guard, and then checking out the ‘off limits to the public’ areas took another few.

I was halfway through an archived collection of old, dark paintings when Mina called.

“I’m in the museum,” I reported.

She hesitated, then the PDA screen froze, and video feed of the safehouse appeared.

“Mike, I just picked up something on the cameras…”

Madison, standing in front of the window, cradling her phone to her ear. At the front door, two armed men in suits and black gloves carefully pushing the door open.

Move, I willed her, already a knot in my stomach telling me it was pointless.

“It’s Marburg’s men,” Mina narrated, also pointless. I had eyes. “They have Madison.”

One man swung his gun at her, shouted something. She gripped the phone harder, lips moving rapidly.

“How,” I asked.

Mina hesitated again, a small intake of breath while the gunmen in the safehouse fired a warning shot over Saint James’ head. She jerked back. Afraid.

“She was calling the cops. They traced it.” Mina explained.

Madison dropped the phone. They approached her carefully. The feed jumped to them strong arming her out of the door.

Mina’d done some editing.

“When?” I asked.

“An hour ago.”

“Where’d they take her?”

“I don’t know,” Mina said. “But, Mike, we need to-”

“The mission, I know.”

People you care about will start to die.

She’d be fine.

She would be fine.

I’d honestly believed she would make it out okay. Somehow.

“The cops?” I asked.

“I’ll keep an eye out.”

“Thanks,” I said, and disconnected.

-

The rows of paintings never ended. The first time I found one of Marburg’s men standing at the end of an aisle, I thought things might be close to being over. Then I found another, and another, and I realized it was never going to end.

“Four hundred feet north,” Mina instructed. “No, Mike, other north.”

“Hard to tell in here.”

A yellowed light flickered overhead.

I ducked past another cross aisle, then doubled back. A few yards away, a wooden door was ajar, hard blue light showing through the cracks. A voice issued precise commands, faint at this distance, clearer and clearer as I got closer.

“And for all those who weren’t paying attention at the briefing,” the man said, “We have an insider man at the museum giving us access to the tunnel system that’s normally used for moving relics in the middle of the night.”

“Relics like your mom?” someone challenged, to light laughter.

“We show up,” the first man said impassively, “in the middle of the museum at Sigma point and move through at H hour plus two. Each team is responsible for keeping the museum crowd under control. Yeah, yeah, Jenkins, we know a night time mission would be easier, but the man upstairs wants broad daylight. So, he’ll get broad daylight. Again, do not, under any circumstance ditch your equipment thinking the blast will destroy the evidence. We’re counting on the authorities being able to analyze the slightest scrap of incinerated material, thus Vulture team placing the bodies. Stow your gear, and drop nothing.”

“That’s what she said.”

“Minimum safe distance, Jenny, is half a klick. I would suggest you get even farther away, as there’s going to be lots of stone thrown about the area, but you could use some stones, buddy.”

More laughter.

“Nice try,” said presumably Jenkins.

I went in shooting. If there was anyone in earshot, I hadn’t seen them. In the small space, with their weapons holstered, their guard down, laughter on their faces while they were talking about domestic terrorism? The four of them didn’t stand much of a chance. One got off a couple shots at me, but that was it.

“Where are the tunnels?” I asked Mina.

She searched while I picked my way over the bodies, towards the laptop hooked up to a projector.

“Working on it,” she said.

They’d left it logged in. Two clicks, and I had access to their email. Team movements, reports, encoded-

Madison.

Her name was in the middle of the email. I had to reread the first few sentences over and over before I could make myself understand anything.

From: Ops Team To: #JollyRoger Subject: Live Asset

Attn,

Slight change of plans. We have a live asset with us today, just in case our interloper shows up. Madison Saint James is to be taken to the evac point Phi and held until go code Orange. If she makes too much noise, she is to be sedated. Under no circumstance is she to be injured unless you hear a change of orders (and that comes from Marburg). If anyone tries any funny business with the live asset, they will be killed (Marburg’s words, not mine).

-Ops Team

The guilt ballooned up. If I’d let it, it would have taken over.

This was my fault.

She wasn’t to be injured.

She wasn’t.

“They’ve got Madison somewhere,” I reported. I pushed the guilt aside. Save it for later. Promise it that it could have me, later. Once I had her back.

I’d thought…well. They said she wasn’t to be harmed. I didn’t have time to do anything but believe it.

“Understood,” Mina said. “Sending the tunnel schematics to your phone. Get out of the archive, and go left.”

-  

The stairs down to the tunnels were damp and empty, except for the corpse of a museum security guard, lying half on the stairs and half on the landing above me.

“Mina,” I asked. “Is there anyone still in the museum?”

“It’s normal hours,” she reminded, a note of curiosity in her voice. “A few tour groups…security guards. It’s a light day for tourists, but that’s still a lot of people if the bombs go off.”

“I won’t let it happen.”

It didn’t look like the security guard had gone peacefully. Two bullet wounds in the chest, one across the temple. Someone had been in a hurry.

And had gone upstairs.

So the team had split. Why?

Footsteps, from up the stairs. I took a few steps back, and hidbehind the door.

A low grunt, and the sound of a body being dragged.

“Fuck this,” someone grumbled, in a whisper.

I peeked out. One of Marburg’s men was staring directly at me. He blinked, looked down at the body, and when he looked back up he was facing the barrel of my assault rifle.

He spread his arms, dropping the body. Then he pointed upstairs.

“Rifles make a lot of noise,” he said casually, and shrugged. “Sure you wanna do this?”

“Where’s the bombs?” I asked.

“There’s an exhibit in the North Wing on the Jingkang incident. There might be a few fire lance replicas there,” he said innocently. “Is that what you’re looking for?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I-” he said.

Muffled sharp gunshots from far up the stairs.

He went for the pistol on his belt. I shot him twice.

“Mike,” Mina radioed, “you need to hurry.”

There were too many stairs to run up them all, but no time to walk.

“What’s going on?”

“It…sounds like Marburg’s men are attacking the security guards.” she said. “Security’s outnumbered, they’ll be slaughtered.”

The lobby was designed to be pretty – a massive marble hall with arched ceilings and heavy staircases and large expanses of intricate marble tilework marking off café sections and waiting sections and a place for tourists to wait in line. I don’t think the designer had accounted for pitched battle. With no cover, and with Marburg’s men coming down the staircases, and with the element of surprise, security hadn’t stood much of a chance. Five of them were already on the ground, only a couple breathing. One guard had taken cover behind an errant and empty display case. She was firing at a man on an upper balcony clear across the room. Another guard was crouched in the café behind an Ale Salute vending machine, ducking out with a shotgun every few seconds to fire uselessly at the two men proceeding down the central staircase. A third slammed into the wall next to me, wrestling desperately with the arms around his throat.

The guard saw me. Marburg’s man didn’t. I dashed forward and locked the VCI in a chokehold. He dropped the guard and started tearing at my forearm with his nails. I yanked him back a step, the guard reached out and stole the man’s pistol from his belt, and then put three rounds in his chest. I dropped the body and we both traded a silent thanks at one another.

Then the guard stiffened and pointed over my shoulder. We hit the ground beside the dead VCI, and I winced as several rifle rounds imploded the marble wall above my head.

The guy on balcony was fumbling with a reload. The guard beside me got back to his feet a split-second before me, but I was faster with aiming. Our shots hit at the same time. The man on the balcony slumped against the stone balustrades. His rifle fell over the edge and clattered on the ground.

“Grazie ancora,” I said, out loud this time. He nodded back, mouth set in a grim line.

The guard behind the display case, free from the danger of Balcony Man, pulled out her radio and shouted into it. She and the guard in the café advanced at the same time centering and firing at the men coming down the staircase in one smooth motion. They didn’t need my help.

The shooting was over, for the moment.

They all turned at looked at me.

“Uh…” I said. I didn’t look the least bit official. I’d come from the goddamn tunnels with a bright gold assault rifle and I was in civvies. They looked at me all the same.

“Evacuate the civilians,” I ordered quickly, in Italian. “About half a, uh…”

Fuck was the word for klick? Fuck was the conversion rate?

“Half a kilometer,” I said. “Got it?”

They nodded, and scattered.

“Stay together!” I yelled at their backs.

The main staircase ended in a split, the East Wing to the right, and the West Wing to the left.

“Mina,” I asked, “you have any-”

The PA system in the hallway let out a small, rattled electric shriek, then settled into a staticky transmission.

“Agent Thorton,” Marburg announced magnanimously. “You made it – good, that makes things interesting. We have Madison. She’s being held in the west wing of the museum. My men have orders to execute her.”

He paused. The urge to shoot out the PA system was growing.

“That where your bombs are, too?” I challenged.

“No,” he said, “the bombs are with me – at the Crusades exhibit. You won’t have time to reach both. Either way…”

He paused again, the smile aggravatingly audible. “Someone dies.”

“Your right about that, Marburg. Why don’t you stay put, I’ll be right there.”

“Left or right, Thorton – your choice. Madison – or coming after me and the bombs. There’s not time for both.”

The whining static cut out, immediately followed by the whining static of my earpiece.

“Mike,” Mina said. “Madison – she’s in the wing to your left…but the Crusades exhibit is in the wing to the right.”

“I know,” I said. “I get it.”

If he was telling the truth. If he had her.

I assumed he was trying to play me. Like everyone else had been, lately.

“Which was should I go?” I asked.

“I don’t know, Mike – you’ll have to make the call. But I don’t think Marburg is bluffing.”

I did.

Or maybe it’s just what I’d wanted to believe.

-----

The East Wing was full of old Italian art, renaissance, by the look of it. I didn’t have much time to check. I was too busy dodging bullets and in one case, a throwing knife with the VCI’s wing and stars laser-etched into the blade’s base.

Another one sliced through the air and embedded itself in an already tattered canvas. I put the last of my rifle rounds into its owner’s chest, and took the knife with me. The edge cut through the edge of a painted blue robe a figure playing a lute. The canvas made a small tearing noise as I tugged the knife free.

Mina hadn’t said a thing through the whole fight, and she didn’t now.

----

“I’m picking up some interference on the channel,” Mina reported, shouting to be heard over VCI machine pistol fire. “And judging from the frequencies…there’s some proximity mines near your location!”

“I’ll keep an eye out!” I shouted back, trying to watch both the blatantly obvious yellow blinking mine on the column above my head, and the VCI approaching behind it.  

I had two seconds after jumping up and grabbing it to fling it towards the VCI, and dive away.

----

The smoking autoturret finally detonated, sending the throwing knife implanted in its guiding camera whizzing halfway across the room. The hilt was scorched, and the blade still radiated heat when I retrieved it.

-----

Security was dead. They’d clearly been left where they landed, falling down the marble stairs in the room. A few had made it to the centerpiece of the Crusades exhibit, a collection of massive brassy gold statues of elephants. There were bullet holes in the columns around the edges of the room. Indicators, maybe, of who they’d been fighting again.

The VCI were gone now. And when I approached the crates stashed in between the elephant statues, I could see why.

2:59:14.

The counter was decreasing rapidly. Another second ticked off.

The mess of wires the counter was nestled into was connected to a hell of a lot of crates.

Half a klick my ass.

“Three minutes,” I reported.

“Get ready for evac!” someone else shouted.

Too late, I realized several balconies were overlooking the center exhibit. And that’s where the VCI has decided to camp.

I fell, tucking myself behind the nearest crate of high explosives.

It didn’t help. They’d seen me.

Several bullets pinged sparks of the side of an elephant statue.

“Mike?” Mina asked.

“Working on it.”

I fired blind. No screams, still too many bullets coming for me. They fired, and I fired back. The timer counted down. We were going to die here. I didn’t know a thing about bomb defusal, not this kind, not – and Madison – and they kept shooting.

My rifle jammed with a sharp, harsh click I could feel in my bones.

Calm down.

“Mina,” I said, “Give me thirty second intervals – and in about a minute, I’m going to need you to talk me through defusing this.”

“Two minutes, thirty seconds,” she said. “Get me a picture of the detonator.”

“Copy.”

Clear the rifle. Hope it wasn’t serious. Tap the magazine back into place, rerack and fire over my head. It’s working, someone screams, dive roll out of cover while you still have a chance. Take cover again, this time behind the crates with the detonator. Fire. Stop, take the picture. Send it. Back to firing.

“Receiving,” Mina said.

Sneak a glance up. Nearly lose your head for it. Quick, think. There were two in front of you, for sure. But they’d be looking…

Turn around. He’s staring at through pistol sights. Hope his range is worse than yours. Swing around, fire at the same time. Are you dead? No? Good. Is he? Good.

“Two minutes,” Mina said.

“Two minutes, boys!” I shouted up at the last two. They might leave. They didn’t. Dedication, great.

Less shooting at me, though.

“Run while you still can!” I advised. “Half a klick! Think you can do that in two minutes?”

The shooting stopped slowly.

“Marburg will never know!” I said. “Unless you really think I can defuse these in, what? A minute thirty?”

“One forty-five, actually,” Mina pointed out.

They took off.

What were they thinking of me, right then?

“One thirty,” Mina said. “Are you ready?”

The first detonator was blinking, counting down quickly.

“Ready,” I said.

“We’re lucky. Do exactly what I say, quickly. We should have time.”

“Got it.”

“These are…” she said, then paused. “No, the design number don’t matter, just – okay. There should be four black buttons on the side. There should also be at least two wires on the left– three? Is it two, or three?”

“Mina?”

“Sorry, hang on.”

“Uh,” I said. “There are about a dozen wires.”

Silence, except for the detonator beeping. 59…58

“Mina?”

“Hang on.”

“We don’t really-”

“Okay,” she said calmly. “Forget the wires. There’s an override code that should reset the time. And another one to…I don’t know. Glitch the system, or something.”

“Should?”

“We can debate later; just do it. Leftmost button twice, third four times, second once, first twice-”

The beeping was almost drowning out her voice. “Slow down, Mina.”

“I can’t. Keep up.”

I tried, I really did. I got to the last one and was half sure the museum was going up then and there. It didn’t. The detonator skipped from 28 to 0, I had a miniature heart attack, and then the detonator switched off.

“Okay…” I said slowly, “I think-”

“There should be a second one in the opposite corner,” Mina informed me.

The heart attack was slightly less miniature, this time.

Running through the statues took three seconds; finding the seconds detonator another two. 23, 22-

“Hurry,” she said, repeating her instructions all over again and this time, I didn’t bother asking her to take it easy. I finished with all of one second to spare. It felt like an eternity. An empty one. No thinking, just sitting back against the dead crates, sliding to the ground, breathing. Not believing it was over. Who would I have to fight, to stop them from coming back? And just turning the things back on again? Fuck. They’d know by now, know the bombs hadn’t gone off, they’d be on their way back. Maybe I could organize security, or something, maybe – Madison had called the cops, though. They could-

Madison. Marburg had her. Marburg had her, fuck, fuck, where? Outside the museum, maybe? Anywhere in Rome. Anywhere in the world. I-

Footsteps. And her voice.

“Mike!” she shouted, talking fast, sounding stained. “Get out of here! Marburg is-”

Across the room and up the stairs, A VCI man in a suit caught up with Madison. He got her head in a lock and forced a hand over her mouth. Marburg strolled in behind them.

“It’s over!” I said. “Let her go!”

Madison mmphfd through the VCI’s hand. She struggled with him, even when he tightened her hold. She did. She tried.

Marburg gazed down at me. He took in the dead security guards, and the dead screen on the detonators, and the rifle strapped on my back.

He smiled.

“Do as he says,” he ordered, with a dismissive wave.

The VCI man pushed Madison away. She stumbled. She looked back over her shoulder at the lot of them, the VCI guard, and Marburg, and another one walking in. The two guards stared ahead impassively. Marburg kept his eyes on me.

Madison was looking at me, too. She was. How was I supposed to look away?

I nodded gently. She took a step, wrapping her arms around herself. She was wearing the same salmon colored blazer she’d been wearing the first day we met. She looked cold anyway.

I took a step towards her, and one of the guards pointed his shotgun at me. Madison shook her head. She looked backwards at Marburg again, then started down the stairs. She tried to smile at me. She didn’t have it in her; I didn’t either.

I was looking at her. I didn’t see it happening until it was too late.

“Deus Vult,” Marburg said quietly, the black and silver pistol in his hand.

He didn’t recoil with the shot. Neither did Madison. It seemed like just a noise, like we’d all agreed to pretend we heard a gunshot at the same time. The pistol shot sound happened, and Madison stopped walking. Her eyes widened. She looked down at the growing bloodstain showing through her jacket. She looked back up at me, with confusion, and questions, and uncertainty, and then her eyes went unfocused.

Her knees buckled, and she fell onto the stairs. Her body went limp, and slid a few steps more.

It only took me seconds to reach her. It didn’t matter. She was already dead.

Marburg sighed. “You brought it on her,” he said.

She lay facedown on the marble. I couldn’t bring myself to turn her head. Couldn’t touch her, couldn’t comfort her – not that she need me too – did she? Need me? Still?

I didn’t know if she believed in an afterlife. It hit hard. I didn’t even know if she wanted to be buried, I didn’t know anything about her-

Except that she wasn’t a spy. Couldn’t have been. Not with the way Marburg had- not with the way he- she couldn’t have been, couldn’t have been anything but afraid and calling the police to- and I- this was my-

No. “You pulled the trigger,” I growled at the fucker on the stairs. I had my rifle. One of Marburg’s men put a warning shot past my side.

Marburg had his pistol in hand and a neutral smile on his face. “Don’t blame me,” he said. “You made your choice.”

“Don’t give me that third party bullshit, Marburg. I’m-”

No. No, he wasn’t getting out of it that easy. No cops. No police. She’d wanted it but that, that was…over, or…should be? I didn’t know. I didn’t care. I was going to kill that son of a bitch and I was going to do it now.

He looked at me with raised eyebrows and an air of impatience.

He deserved to know. Deserved to feel it coming. Deserved to know.

“I’m gonna kill you,” I told him, smiled when he didn’t react, because it was going to be all the better when his new reality suddenly sunk in. “Quickly. Which is more than a coward who shoots women in the back deserves.”

“I may give you that chance, Thorton,” he said, clasping his hands together in front of him, gun disappearing into a holster. “If only to further your edu-”

His guard’s shotgun blast went wide. He hadn’t been expecting me to move backwards. An angry, impulsive rush up the stairs, maybe, and- and I almost did, it would have been so satisfying, but I had to live if I wanted to kill him. Backwards it was, dashing back and falling into cover behind a pillar, a wide view of the stairs and the body at the base- and-

Marburg’s men came hurrying down the stairs, laying down cover fire with shotguns. I shot blind. They survived it.

“I’m impressed,” Marburg shouted over the constant sound of shotguns, layered one after another, and return rifle fire, frantic, ill-timed, going to get me killed if I kept up like that.

“You stay focused,” he rambled, “carried out your mission, disarmed the bombs…”

I ducked back as a shotgun blast caught the edge of the pillar, and blew apart the outer layer of wood.

“…and left her for last. I didn’t think you had it in you.”

“Mike,” Mina warned, “he’s trying to provoke you.”

I didn’t care. I wanted it. I curled a finger around the trigger-

“Mike,” she said stern, absolute, angry.

Swallow the feeling. Force it down. Try to breathe-

“Oh, the choices an agent in your line of work has to make everyday…” he mused. His shoe soles tapping as he went down the stairs. If he touched her, if he so much as went near her…

“Did you think you had time? No, no, no. No, I was quite clear with you about that. You knew, Thorton.”

Another cold Thorton from Mina. A shotgun round from a VCI – Deus Vult – from a guard.

More of his footsteps.

“Maybe you thought you could be a hero, save her…”

He didn’t know a goddamn thing. I was going to tear the sick fucker apart.

“Agent Thorton…” Mina said.

His footsteps stopped. I glanced out in between shotgun shots. He was standing next to her body, pistol pointed at her head.

He glanced over at me and tsked. “It doesn’t work that way,” he said.

A round from a shotgun forced me back into cover. There was a single pistol shot, and I knew, I knew-

I came out shooting. He smiled. There was an awkward hole in the marble beside her body with the bullet casing right there, and he smiled.

“Shit, Mike, fuck-” Mina swore. “Get out of there!”

It didn’t matter. If they hit me. So long as I got him. And I did. I had him. He was smiling and he didn’t expect it, underestimation, distraction? Who the fuck knows, I had a line on his forehead and a finger on the trigger and in the distance, faint sirens, Madison’s sirens.

I froze.

I was going to choke. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t even see him. Except I knew I had the shot, I knew I did, I had to have had it. And I didn’t do it. I sat there shaking because the rifle was so damn heavy in my hands.

He smiled even more.

“I’m going to enjoy killing you, Thorton,” he said, and ran.

NO.

I went after him, the shotgun guards ducking out of cover. One went down, doubled over, the shock of taking a frisbeed assault rifle to the stomach, the other surprised enough for a second that I had a chance to tackle him, pull his shotgun free, bash his nose in with it and send him running in the opposite direction at gunpoint. The other one shot at me with my own damn rifle, the shots going too far to the left. I yanked it out of his hands.

“It does that,” I said.

I added several shots at his feet, and he ran too.

There were heavy metal security doors closing at the top of the exhibit. Marburg was already through them. I slid through at the last second, nearly having to roll.

The autoturret wasn’t smoking anymore. The room almost looked peaceful. Columns and art and pots on stands. It should have been full of tourists this time of day.

Noise from the back of the room, near the main exit to the exhibit.

“I expected more from a self-appointed hero,” Marburg said, voice echoing, sneer audible. “You are disposable and obsolete.”

I crouched beside the nearest cover, a large column with a painting on the other side.

“Says the corporate tool who answers to Leland,” I told him, concentrating, listening. Triangulating.

“I work for Halbech. You…”

He laughed. I could almost see where he was standing, almost…

“You’re a man without a country, Thorton. You’re me, twenty years ago.”

“What’s that in dog years?”

“Even if you escape, I know how your story ends.”

Got him.

“Keep talking,” I said. “Lets me know where to shoot.”

“Enough of this,” he spat, with sudden venom.

Let this work. Please.

I picked the right column, decorating it with rifle rounds, but he went running and I couldn’t do it. I fucking- I had him, I swear I did but I was dizzy. He ran off with only one token shot back at me, ran off and through the next security door, and I couldn’t and I was cursing myself because I was halfway across the room and I was never going to get there, and I was never- I tried, though, I-

“Mike!” Mina said, cutting through a steam of angry curses.

“Dammit, he’s getting away!”

“There’s nothing you can do now, Mike,” she said placatingly, gently, giving up. “Get out of there.”

She was right, and if I could stop feeling sick for a second I could move- I could-

“There’ll be another time,” she promised.

Right. And that was a fucking promise I could hold on to. This wasn’t it. I was going to kill that son of a bitch, I was, I swore it. I promised.

The sirens were louder now. The tunnels were still intact. An escape route.

I glanced back at the closed security gate leading to the Crusades exhibit. I couldn’t even go back to-

Don’t think about it, I thought.

Don’t think about it.

Just…don’t.

Okay.

I won’t.

“Heading out,” I told Mina, and headed for a side exhibit. “Get me direction to the tunnel.”

“Got it,” she said.

I ignored the sound of relief in her voice.